#but he might be you know your average person getting accused of something he didn't do

[adora-but-ginger]

Aspersion

aspersion (noun): an attack on the reputation or integrity of someone or something; an accusation.

pairing: eventual spencer reid x gender neutral! reader

synopsis: in which spencer reid pushes a little too far

warnings: both spencer and the reader are assholes to each other a little, but it is justified! swearing (probs), typical cm violence and such, tension thicker than a cement wall

masterlist

word count: ~2.1k

a/n: hello and welcome to my first official criminal minds fic! all of the pieces in this anthology can most likely be read individually, but they will have connected themes throughout! please enjoy the first work in my "psych you out in the end" collection. want to be tagged? Let me know!

also casual reminder that this is glasses reid because i am gnawing at my enclosure over him

not proofread whoops

credit to gif owner!

It had been a long case. Five days in and little to no leads, yet a serial killer was still on the loose. This was your fourth case with the team now, most of which were still pretty apprehensive of your "psychological abilities." Penelope, who you've come to like the most, has been the kindest to you, even asking as far as for you to do her tarot. The rest of the team weren't as easygoing, but that wasn't the point right now.

It was of upmost importance to check out the latest crime scene, and you were paired with the hyper-suspicious Doctor Reid. He out of everyone trusted you the least, but now was the time to hopefully change that. He was a genius and you could read people, after all. You couldn't get a good read on him though, mostly because you two hadn't been around each other long enough to have more than a professional conversation. This was the first time it was the two of you, and you were going to make it count.

You could decipher anyone's aura, yet you were still a people pleaser. Ironic, almost.

"It looks like there was no forced entry, meaning that the unsub was someone they either knew or felt safe with." He darted his tongue between his lips after he spoke.

"Yeah, but aren't people in this neighborhood generally trusting? I think we should focus more on what he took." There was something itching at you about this scene, something that felt off.

You were a professional profiler, but you could just sense people's inner selves and auras--auras helped direct you into a person's mind and feelings. It varied per person and you weren't the best at explaining it, but you could tell a lot about someone if they even walked past you.

"Are you saying that the door might have been unlocked?"

"I'm saying it's a possibility."

Reid without a glance in your direction shook his head. "You know that's a very unlikely scenario, statistically women will secure their home much more than men, especially if they're living alone. Research also shows that when someone is under the impression that they can hold more than average strength either physically or mentally, they act out in irrational ways." He shrugged his eyebrows before murmuring quietly. "Like joining the FBI."

Did he just insult you? "Excuse me? Reid I'm just saying that we should shift our focus. Gideon said you had trust issues, but he didn't explain their severity." Had he really tried to undermine you in a way that he thought you wouldn't notice?

"Gideon makes decisions that could end up hurting the team more than helping them sometimes."

Okay now that was a diss. Wasn't he the one who hired Reid, too? You had dealt with people like this before, and you weren't going to let him get to you. "Let's just finish up and go meet up with everyone else."

--

The unsub was found and arrested two days later. Ironically, he was entering through unlocked doors, a detail that you were sure Reid was not too happy with when he found out. You were all on the jet ride home now, and would be here for the next few hours. This was the farthest case from Quantico yet, meaning the team finally had time to interrogate and learn more about you. Something that Emily and Derek were jumping at.

"Can you read my mind?"

"Can you tell what I want for dinner?"

"Can you tell when it's going to rain?"

They had both sat down across from you simultaneously, overwhelming you art first.

"Okay hold on." You threw your hands out slightly as a cue for them to stop. "Kind of, no, and yes--I check the weather station."

"Huh." Emily scrunched up her face, another question brewing. "So how does this psychic-ness work?"

You took a deep breath before starting. "I can just read you. Yes, like a profiler reads you, but also more than that. Profilers can only see the outside, but I can see the inside as well."

"Prove it." Derek crossed his arms. "Inside profile me."

Now that was a choice of words.

You held a finger up. "I will only if you promise to never say that phrase to me again."

He looked to Prentiss before a smile broke out. "Looks like they've got jokes, too."

A quiet laugh escaped you before continuing. "That I do. What do you want to know, Morgan?"

"My deepest-darkest secret." He said it in a joking manner, but you shook your head none the same.

"You don't want me to share that."

"I guess I don't. What do you really have for me, though?"

You took a second to really look at him, to see what he was hiding behind that smile--you were going to keep it light of course. You could look farther if you wanted, but the farther back you went the vaguer your readings were. "When were you going to tell everyone that you like Britney Spears?"

And just like that, you knew the two of them believed you now. Because the price on Derek Morgan's face was one that you wish you had a photo of. Emily's jaw dropped, eyes widening. "You refused to listen to her with me last week, traitor!"

Derek's mouth was also agape--he was flabbergasted. Eyebrows raised, he shook his head. "Fine, I believe you. Say no more. Please." His reaction made you chuckle, and it was all fun and games until Reid strode over, taking the seat next to you.

"You know, almost every public claiming psychic is usually a scammer or a fake. In fact--"

A groan escaped you. "Seriously? This again?"

"Yes! It was an incredibly irrational choice on Gideon to--"

The upbeat mood quickly dissipated, your temper going along with it. "Listen Reid, I don't need to explain myself to you. But, out of the kindness of my heart, I'm going to say this once." Emily and Derek''s eyes were bouncing between the two of you. "I don't announce it publicly, hence why "that is"psychic" is not my legal title. Second, I'm good at what I do, that's why I'm here. Believe me or not, but I can see right through you and your defenses."

The air took a tone that you didn't quite appreciate now, but he started this.

"You don't know a thing about me, in-in fact you don't know a thing about anyone, much less who I am." Annoyance was seeping through his words, and you were getting tired of his passive-aggressiveness. "You show up here being a so-called 'psychic'," his fingers went into air quotes at your title. "Yet you haven't done anything besides getting a confession out of one individual? Sounds like someone doesn't know how to handle being around actual profilers."

You wanted to slap the guy. But here you were again, taking the high road. "I'm too tired for this. If you want to doubt what I can do, fine. It's nothing I haven't dealt with before." You clenched your jaw and took a couple deep breaths to control your oncoming frustration. The conversation was over now, there was nothing left for him to say. How dare he insult your profiling skills too? How dare he--

"How have you been able to get this far lying?"

It was the straw on the camel's back, that line. He wouldn't drop it, and now he was going to face the consequences. You inched your head slowly to face his own, steadying your breaths even more, so you could make sure your words wouldn't get you fired this early on.

You looked into his eyes, really looking into him. The emotions he gave off, the way he held himself, his aura. If he was going to bash you for days in hopes of getting a response, he won. He was probably expecting you to give a grandiose speech on how you don't know what you're doing or how you just have really lucky guesses, but if there was one thing that you learned from people like him, it was that if they keep striking low, you strike lower.

Screw the high road, screw him undermining your talent, and screw people like him that thought they could get away with thinking their actions didn't have consequences.

You really saw him then, squinting slightly as you looked him up and down in the seat, the team around you remaining quiet as to remain listening to the rising tif. You could see right through him, see that he had some real parental issues, but had a overshadowing amount of loneliness surrounding his self, his mind, his body. It was vague, but it was there, and there is all you needed.

You leaned back as if to get comfortable, maintaining your eye contact. "When was the last time someone you cared about actually stayed in your life, Spencer?" You spoke nonchalantly, like you were discussing the weather.

You could feel the tangible tension that thrummed through the air from the two across from you at your words, and you knew you hit home. As to solidify your unanswered question, you saw a tiny twitch in his eyelid that responded more than any words could.

"Um Morgan? I think JJ called our names. We should go." Emily nudged the man and nodded to the back of the jet.

"What? No one has said anything. You're losing it, Prentiss."

"Derek, we're going." Her eyes went between you and Spencer to drive the point, and he finally picked it up after a second.

"Oh. Oh. Yeah, yeah I agree. JJ?" He called out. "We're coming!"

It was just the two of you now.

He broke eye contact with you after your words, and you moved in towards him as you lowered your voice to a whisper. "I see you for your inner workings, Reid. There's a reason I am good at what I do, and it is because I see you for how you see yourself. You do not want to make an enemy out of me."

His voice was caught in his throat for a second, mouth dropping slightly. He cleared his throat momentarily. "Are you threatening me?" Clear avoidance of your statement.

"No, Reid, I'm offering an olive branch. I suggest you take it." His silence prompted you further. "Besides your consistent digs at me, you're really good at what you do. Your brain quite literally runs a mile a minute, and my brain can see that. I am trying my best to chalk this all up to me being new, but I am really not appreciating all of this heat, it is extremely frustrating. You have your methods, I have mine. I'll give you some time to decide whether to accept this olive branch or not, but we would offer this team much more if you used those smarts of yours alongside mine, not against." Your chest was heaving slightly as the fire in your eyes blazed, but he finally got the message. "This will be the only time I'm offering this up." You turned away from him, needing a break.

You heard him shuffle and leave the seat next to you as you watched the clouds whiz by in the jet. It really sucked that he was cute too. All the adorable ones had to get you riled up, didn't they?

You felt a brief weight lift off of your shoulders as you heard Gideon speak to everyone on the plane about having the weekend off. Thank goodness.

--

That Monday you waltzed into the bullpen, a nice pep to your step after a break from everything. Iced drink in your hand, you set down your bag as you prepped yourself for the onslaught of paperwork awaiting you.

You had just gotten comfortable when you felt a tap on your shoulder and a familiar clear of a throat.

You swiveled in your chair, facing the tall man. "'Yes?"

"The oldest olive tree is known to be anywhere between two thousand to four thousand years old, but the specific age is currently being studied."

You took a sip of your drink as you looked up at him in confusion. "Good morning to you as well?"

He clenched his jaw quickly before continuing. "I''m saying yes. I accept the branch. It doesn't make sense to me and you infuriate me a little bit, but I want to work on it."

For the first time, but certainly not the last, you genuinely smiled at him.

And maybe he was losing all touches with reality, because he could feel his heart skip.

--

taglist: @alllriseabove @kitty-kei

[railingsofsorrow]

chapter II | solus

summary: “Right.” She says, locking eyes with him before she frowns, shaking her head. It's useless to try to hold a decent conversation with him. “Have a good day, Mark.”

And fuck you.

She closed the door as she left. Her mother always told her that violence in any form is not an answer to an argument. Well, Iris agreed with that, until Mark Dawson made her want to fucking punch him in the nose.

w.c: 1.5K

warnings/contents: language; toxic relationships; discussions about unfaithfulness; degrading someone during an argument.

A/N: this is only in Iris's point of view so you guys can see more into her character. the real action starts in the next chapter :)

navi

masterpost

series masterlist

whoever wants to be added to the taglist, dm me or fill this out.

LETTERS — [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9]

CHAPTERS — [1] [2] [3]

❝Solus❞

[adj.] ALONE.

Iris was a quiet person. Some might say it's because she's an introvert, others — like her parents — claim it is because she's always been like this. Quiet. Collected. Calm.

Those three adjectives defined Iris pretty well. She has been called quiet all her life. She remained collected over hard situations and she was always calm in moments that required a little bit more of her patience.

But there's something about quiet people, isn't there? Not only do they have the loudest minds, they can be cruel when angry.

Iris isn't someone who screams or who can get easily mad at people. But if she's being provoked for unjustified reasons, then she's not just going to sit by and watch it happen. No, her mother taught her better than that.

Mark got on her nerves today. Not just today, but he was making this an ongoing thing for a while now. Ever since they broke off their engagement, he's been an insufferable prick to her. It didn't make things easier that they work in the same university. Thankfully, both are from different departments.

Today, though, he's crossed a line. Throwing her students under the bus like that? It's unbelievable. Iris knew each one of her students, how dedicated they are and incapable of doing harm. Fabian and Meredith were two of her top students. Their grades are always above average despite the struggles they face every day.

Iris knew something was happening to Fabian after seeing his purple eye in one of her classes. He didn't talk to her about it and she didn't force him to talk either, it was his choice. Meredith only recently found out her mother had stage 4 cancer. She had requested a minute to talk to Iris after class, to explain that her recent absences were due to her mother's ongoing treatment. Both Meredith and Fabian found comfort in their friendship, despite not being enrolled in the same classes.

Now, the reason Mark had mentioned Meredith's name in the first place was because of Fabian. He often spent time in Iris' lab to review the subject or ask some questions, given that he showed interest in writing his thesis related to microbiology. Mark enjoyed knowing about his — now ex — fiancée's whereabouts, even though she spent most of her time in her lab, that is, when she wasn't teaching. During one of these evenings in which she lost track of time, Mark walked into her lab to find her and Fabian discussing extremophiles and their role in bioremediation efforts; they were at least seven feet apart from each other. Her night had gone south after that, he kept on accusing her of cheating and, in spite of the unreasonable claims and his alarming behavior, she figured it was just one of his many bad days.

Until his jealousy had gotten to the point where, besides her work, her well-being was also being jeopardized. So she put an end to it, she had to. But he clearly hadn't. “You're being ridiculous.” Iris burst inside Mark's office after her last class of the day with fury seeping from every pore in your body.

He barely looked up from his computer screen. “Are you back? I thought they were supposed to take you to the police station.”

“Why do you have to be like this? It's like you're being insufferable on purpose, to get a rise out of me. Is that it? Is that what you want? To provoke me, Mark?”

“My life doesn't revolve around you, Iris.”

Oh, that's very convenient.

“Then fucking prove it!” Iris roared, feeling her face heat up from how frustrated she was. She doesn't doubt there might be a vein pulsing in her temple about to pop. Quiet. Collected. Calm. That's what she's known for. “You've been watching my classes, accusing a student of sleeping with his professor, keeping tabs on me— what did you say again? That your life doesn't revolve around me? Your actions may prove otherwise, Mark.”

Mark glanced up at her. Silence tunes out each one of her thoughts at that moment. That look. That cold look in his fog-gray eyes that he carried whenever he was contradicted. It displayed his thirst for always being right. It had always scared her.

Iris does not lower her head, not like she used to.

“What?” Mark leaned over his desk slowly, narrowing his eyes. “I'm still convinced about Henley. You won't fool me. I know you cheated, Iris.” He scoffed, leaning back against the chair. “You just love playing the victim.”

Those are the moments that dawned on her, have I ever known you? Or have you been this kind of awful person the entire time and I was just too blind to see it? Maybe she didn't want to know the answer to that question. Maybe it is better that she didn't know.

“Right.” She said, locking eyes with him before she frowned, shaking her head. It was useless to try to hold a decent conversation with him. “Have a good day, Mark.”

And fuck you. She closed the door as she left. Her mother always told her that violence in any form is not an answer to an argument. Well, Iris agreed with that, until Mark Dawson made her want to fucking punch him in the nose. She can't believe she almost married him. “Where are those fine police officers, I'm ready to be questioned.” Iris was finishing up cleaning the mess she made on her counter while distracted when her friend's voice entered the room without so much as a greeting. She was used to it, Lindsay Taylor didn't need to verbally announce when she entered a room, her whole personality did it for her. “They're not police officers, Lind. They're FBI Agents.” Iris's lips lifted slightly in the corners in amusement. “Even better. Did you ever see them in those FBI vests on the news? God, it's tasty.” “Hey.” Iris threw a pair of her pale blue work safety gloves. “Behave yourself.” Lindsay caught the gloves because of her fast reflexes and gave her a wink, stepping towards the counter to check out the mess her friend had made. “What's this? Another anatomic bomb?” “Shut up.” Lindsey smirked, throwing back her shiny blonde strands to cross her arms over her chest. “Are you free tonight? Or are you sleeping over in the lab again?” Iris shakes her head, choosing the single response that seems more effective. “I'm going home.” She did not want to go out. All that Iris needed was to rest on her couch with a glass of wine while watching her favorite show on TV. “You okay, honey?” Iris turned off the water faucet and gazed up at Lindsay's concerned gaze. It immediately clicks in her brain. “Oh, no, I'm fine.” She's quick to brush Lindsey's worry off, knowing what it is about. “Did he ask you to come here and ask me that?” She offers Iris an eye roll, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as she moves away from the sink. “Yes, but I came because I'm your friend and not because of his possessive request. Figured something had happened.” It did. He happened. “Look,” Lindsey began, lowering her hands towards her wrists and playfully shaking her arms. Iris can't help the smile stretching over her face. “I want you to be free of these strains, alright? That includes going out with your hot coworker so you can have a couple of drinks and maybe have some fun.” Iris eyed her cautiously. “Your idea of fun is definitely different from mine.” Lindsay's grin was slippery, bold, and most definitely very suggestive. It was why most girls and guys fell at her feet after one glimpse in her direction. “Hear me out... You stay for an hour. An hour and a half at most,” she quickly added before Iris can complain. “And then I'll take you home.” Her expression softened for a moment, hands cupping Iris' cheeks fondly. Iris was always reminded of her mother when Lindsay did that. “You need to enjoy your life. You're single, healthy, and gorgeous. There is no need to refrain yourself from joy, yeah?” Her previous words from not so long ago rang through her mind. Don't let people who hurt you tear you down. He has no power over you anymore. “Okay.” Iris relented, causing Lindsay's mouth to split with the widest smile she had ever seen. Scary. “A couple of drinks and I'm off, alright? It's not my crowd.” The last thing she needed was a noisy place to spend the rest of her night. But Lindsey was right, ever since her relationship ended, Iris did buried herself in her work. Other than that, a few exchanges of letters with a certain FBI Agent have managed to bring excitement through her days, but maybe human interaction is also good, for a few hours. “You're amazing.” Iris sighed. “Yeah, yeah. I know."

━━━━━━━━━ ✉ ━━━━━━━━━

taglist: @lilyviolets ; @chayceschultz ; @cultish-corner ; @lover-of-books-and-tea ; @theonecalledrue

[papirouge]

I had bad experiences with some of those trad wife accounts on IG in the past as well, mostly how many of them downplay rape and consider a rapist to be a baby’s father when I had to correct them and call those men a criminal that should be locked up for the rest of their life for harming women. I’d get called a liberal a lot (lol) with that stance (I don’t know why they’re so willing to protect rapists) despite also wanting to fight for babies unborn and born and stronger criminal prosecution for rapists, but there was this weird underlying theme of submissiveness and how women needed men (even the violent and dangerous ones) with them that made every interaction feel like a fetish. Or that maybe their boyfriend or husband (with a rape fetish?) was actually running those accounts

With that other anon that felt defeated, I’d say to pick and choose your battles. I learned that mostly for online. It’s getting harder to ignore how many false Christians there are polluting the church with their degeneracy and violence. But their apathy and clout chasing on social media will produce no good fruits. We see that already with how many false Christians are rejecting Christs teachings for being too soft now. They want to create a new false idol out of their insecurities but out of the likeness of Christ yet, their idol will be vicious and cruel towards everyone that isn’t them.

You will know your people by their works. There are true considerate pro life Christians who will never forget Palestine and are trying to do something to help those there 💕🇵🇸 god sees our hearts and your intentions

Oh girl, I've been accused of being a leftist, a communist, an islamist, a conservative tradfem pickme, countless times... I'm too left leaning for the average Christian on this hellsite, but I'm not enough progressive to be accepted by actual leftist xD I'm not a political person anyway so I don't care the slightest about whatever people put on.

Yeah that anon felt quite defeated and reading my reply, I felt like I didn't encourage them enough (girl, if you're reading this I'm sorry 🙇🏾‍♀️). But the thing is, since I don't attend church I struggle to realize the extent of feeling letdown by their own local church community, which sucks. I'm a VERY individualistic person and know that we can't save people - only God does. You perfectly said it: we have to pick and chose our battle. Profess truth wherever we are, and let go if it's rejected

I'm a very small blogger and sometimes feel discouraged by people with much bigger communities but using their influence for the worst, bewildering young Christians, etc. But years ago, God clearly told me to "do my part". That's what I do. God keeps talking to me and reassures me He's still there so I know I'm good and He's still backing me up. That's why I'm so serene whenever people attack me for my theological statement. Whenever they do I'm like "when was the last time God spoke to you?" "When was the last time that you asked God to open your eyes and see the truth in who you are, whatever you need to fix in your life, etc.?" bc if you did, God would've shown you I'm right. I know bc God shown me through dreams/visions when some Christians with a public voice were anointed by him

"They create an idol out of their own insecurities"

You are absolutely right anon. That's one of the best indicator of genuine Christians vs opportunists. Opportunists won't be changed by the Word of God, they will twist the Word of God to fit their own bias. I don't know about you, but becoming Christian changed me. It changed some my beliefs to the core. But the opportunists? they will twist the Bible in any way possible to NOT change their ideological stand because they are uncomfortable with the idea of moving thrm5. That's how you have Christians defending murder, racism, stealing (not paying owed taxes), etc. They might read the very specific passage condemning such acts, they will constantly find ways to deny them. Interestingly, they will have no problem acknowledging other passage that confirm their bias, such as those condemning homosexuality or adulterers (very handy to dunk on sex posi women/liberals they obsessively hate)

"you will know your people by their work"

Yes, yes and yes💞 I think it's interesting one of the people (who got mad at my post calling out the hypocrisy of pro lifers sleeping on what's happening on pregnant women & babies in Palestine) told me that prolifers didn't owe me to speak up about what fit my politics, when first of all, caring about the wellbeing of newborn and mothers are the staples of the prolife fight -those are not my "politics"- so it makes sense to paint out the complacency of so called prolifers regarding the struggle of said mothers and newborns in a war ridden area🤔, but also, as a Christian, I believe we do owe something, not to me, but God.

The "Saved through faith alone" slogan unfortunately deluded Christians into thinking their actions, or lack, didn't have consequences. They do. Ananias and Sapphira were Saved - God still killed them for their disobedience. Jesus talked about "fruits" and Paul about different sort of crown we earn in heaven based off our work/how we conduct while on earth.

Resisting AND denouncing evil is part of the basic lines of being Christian. We're lucky the antichrist has yet to come and we can still freely condemn evil as we see it, but it's like it was already too much to ask for some.

God definitely listen to our prayers : a few days ago, there were call to pray for the rain to come so Palestinians can drink, and rain eventually came. God is good 💜✝️

[the-bau-quinjet]

Secret's Out

Summary: Request! Reid and Y/N are secretly dating, but their business doesn't stay their business for long.

Warnings: Criminal Minds level violence

Word Count: 2974

a/n: Thank you for the request! I hope you like it :)

Sorry this took forever! It took me a while to think of case details that I liked and then I kept rewriting parts. I think I'm finally happy with it though!

Masterlist

"Spencer!" You pushed him away. "The doors could open at any moment! How are we supposed to keep this a secret if Morgan walks in on us kissing in the elevator?" You raised a brow at him.

"On average, elevators travel at a speed of 200 ft/min or about 4 seconds per floor. Being on the fifth floor means we have about 20 seconds to ourselves." He smiled triumphantly.

"Yeah, until someone surprises us on floor 3." You rolled your eyes, stepping out of the doors once they opened.

"I can't help it. I'm just... really happy with you." He whispered softly.

"I'm really happy too." You smiled at him. You were about to lean in when the elevator doors opened once again to reveal JJ and Emily.

"Hey guys, ready for another case?" Emily glanced between you suspiciously, but thankfully didn't ask any prying questions.

"Yep, let's go!" You turned quickly, walking into the round table room without so much as a glance back at the three agents by the elevator.

"What's with her?" JJ questioned.

"Said she didn't sleep well last night. Must be all the caffeine." He held his own cup off coffee up in solidarity before also walking to the round table room.

"Alright, we've got 3 dead in Billings, Montana. All three were law enforcement, and all three were found this morning around the city." You listened as Penelope introduced the details of the case.

"Could be someone who feels the police didn't do a good enough job protecting a loved one?" You threw out a theory.

"Or someone who feels wronged by the criminal justice system as a whole." Rossi added on.

"Either way, they likely won't stop until we catch them. Wheels up in 20." Hotch rose from his seat as he spoke, wasting no time in preparing for take off.

You all dispersed briefly to grab your go bags, meeting back at the SUVs to head to the jet.

Once boarded, it didn't take long for the conversation to start up again.

"When we land, L/N go to the morgue. Dave, Prentiss take the first and second crime scenes, they're only a mile apart. Morgan and Reid, check out the third scene. I'll head to the precinct with JJ."

With Hotch's instructions set, you took what little time you had left on the flight to go over the causes of death.

-

"Anything stand out to you on the bodies?" You asked the ME after going over the blunt force trauma and bullet wounds.

"There's tape residue and bruising on the wrists and ankles. Based on the state of bruising, they were likely held for about 3 days before they were killed."

"Thank you for your help." You shook hands, pulling out your phone to call Hotch.

"Hotchner."

"Hotch, they were held for days before they were killed. How did nobody notice they were missing?" There was nothing in the reports that indicated the victims were reported missing prior to being found.

"We just found the same pattern. They all used vacation days for various reasons in the days leading up to their deaths. Meet us back at the precinct and Reid can explain the whole pattern."

"Okay, I'm leaving now." You hung up just as you reached the SUV. Throughout the drive, you couldn't stop thinking that something wasn't adding up.

The victims were taken in the same day. It didn't make sense for the unsub not to escalate. So, why aren't any officers unaccounted for?

Suddenly, a truck crashed into your SUV, sending you flying off the road. A figure dressed in black opened the door and dragged you from the car.

"Agent L/N, it's so good to see you again." A male voice spoke, but you couldn't place it.

He hit you over the head with a handgun before dragging you to his own vehicle.

-

"Where's L/N?" Emily questioned when her and Rossi returned from the second dumpsite.

"On her way back from the ME." Hotch answered. "Did you find anything useful?"

"They truly are dumpsites. Both bodies were found by dumpsters, sending a pretty clear message." Dave replied.

"Same for the third site." Derek added on.

"All three victims were single and took time off leading up to their death. Nobody would've notice that they were missing until it was too late." Reid supplied the final bit of information gathered.

Hotch's phone rang before anyone else could comment. The frantic sound of Garcia's nails clicking against her keyboard echoed through the phone. She was talking before anyone could greet her.

"You need to see this, check your tablets."

Confused glances were exchanged as everyone, barring Reid, opened their tablets. Reid glanced over Morgan's shoulder to observe as well.

A seemingly live video that Garcia received a link to was streaming to the tablets.

A single woman sitting in a chair could be seen in the frame. Her wrists and ankles were bound to the chair with thick, gray tape and a bag was over her head.

"Garcia, what is this?" Hotch asked almost immediately.

"I was emailed the link just now. It's not streaming anywhere else online." Her reply came quickly, the sound of typing still filling in the silence.

"Can you trace it?" Rossi questioned.

"I'm trying, but it's being routed through multiple proxy servers."

"Did the email say anything?" Emily chimed in.

"No, it was just the link- Wait. I just got another email." She paused as the new email loaded. "It's addressed to Reid."

Every set of eyes in the room turned to Reid.

"What does it say?" He felt the nerves beginning to grow waiting for Garcia to read the words aloud.

"Dr. Reid,

I hope you remember me. What am I saying, of course you do. I've got something of yours that you might want back. You see Dr. Reid, you and your team ruined me. My family, my career, all of it, just gone. I thought I'd return the favor. A person's phone can be so informative. Tell me, does your team know about your girlfriend? I've so enjoyed getting reacquainted with her.

Happy hunting."

Spencer's face went white as he looked at Morgan's tablet again. His thoughts were racing. How did he not recognize you before? Even with the bag over your head, he should've known it was you.

"It's her." His words were barely a whisper.

"This is your girlfriend?" Morgan gestured to the screen again. Spencer could only nod in reply, his mind unable to focus on anything except you.

"Reid, listen to me. You've got to tell us everything you know about her. We'll have to split up. You can go back to Quantico with Emily and Morgan, the rest of us will stay here to work on our current case." Hotch was already devising a strategy to work both cases.

"There's no need." His words made sense to him, but sounded cryptic to the rest of the team.

"Kid, of course there is. We'll help you get her back." Morgan placed a hand on his shoulder, effectively shocking him back to the present situation.

"There's no need to split up because she's here. She's in Montana." Before he could continue, everyone was asking questions.

"Give me a phone number and I'll get you a location." Garcia was already typing away again.

"Are you sure she's here?" JJ's brows furrowed. She did her best to hide the hurt of her best friend hiding his girlfriend from her, again.

"Why would she be here?" Rossi added.

"How did she get here? Maybe we can track the transportation and figure out means of abduction." Emily was the only one thinking about the case.

Like ripping off a bandaid, Spencer blurted out the truth.

"It's Y/N."

He was met with silence in the room as everyone absorbed the information.

Garcia caught up first, a sudden gasp sounding through the phone.

"So, then that's Y/N... in the video..." Her voice wavered.

As if a switch was flipped, the team was back on the case.

"Garcia, get me a list of anyone who would have a grievance with the team." Hotch ordered.

"Go through anyone who was falsely accused. Start with cases in or around Montana. He would want to keep this close to home." Rossi specified.

"We've only had one case in Montana since Y/N joined the team." Reid supplied the knowledge as it came to him. "A name, I need a name." He muttered to himself, pulling his hair as he roughly ran his hands through it and over his face. "Garcia, look into Jameson Braddock."

"Got it." She immediately began a background check, searching through case files and news articles for additional information. "i'll get back to you with locations." With that, she hung up.

"Fill us in, kid. Who is Jameson Braddock." Morgan lead Reid to a chair, gently easing him into it.

"Our last case in Montana, Emily and I went to interview a witness." Emily nodded, the memories slowly coming back to her.

"He wasn't very forthcoming, and then he tried to run." She added on.

"Exactly, except he didn't make it very fair. We arrested him, but it turned out he was only guilty of selling alcohol to minors. When word of his arrest got out, the whole town thought it was for the serial rapes and murders we were investigating even though it was never confirmed."

"By the time we corrected the media, it was too late." JJ supplied, also remembering the man.

"So, he killed three officers just to draw us out back out here?" Morgan refocused the conversation on the current case.

"It looks that way now. The media knew we were coming, so he must have as well." Emily theororized. "If he followed us from the airport, he would've seen Y/N leave by herself."

"He likely didn't know about your relationship until he abducted her and went through her phone." Hotch paced the room.

"He's flaunting his power over us." Rossi chimed in just as Hotch's phone rang again.

"Garcia, what've you got?"

"Three addresses in Billings, Montana. Jameson Braddock has been on a downward spiral since your last trip there. His entire life fell apart, like he said. Divorced, his wife moved to Nebraska with their two kids. He lost his job at the high school, and was evicted from his house when he could no longer pay the bills." She listed the information quickly.

"He has ties to three addresses. Nobody has moved into his previous house, so it's vacant. He's got a small apartment in the northern part of the city which he pays for through working odd hours at Taco Bell. Finally, he briefly worked security at a now abandoned warehouse."

"An apartment wouldn't be enough space to hold her without the chance of someone hearing. She's not there." Rossi eliminated the location as an option.

"We'll split up to cover the warehouse and the house-" Hotch began, but Reid cut him off.

"No, we shouldn't split up. She's got to be at the house. The warehouse has no connection to his previous life. He wants revenge for our perceived wrongdoing, he wouldn't make his last stand at a new location." Reid was already putting on a bullet proof vest. Despite how his mind was racing, he refused to show how afraid he was.

"You're sure?" Morgan asked, on the fence about committing to one location.

"Absolutely." With that, Reid was out the door heading for the SUVs.

-

"Rossi, Emily head around back. I'll take the front with Reid. JJ and Morgan, the side door." Hotch instructed the team to split up upon arrival at the house.

Reid wasted no time in approaching the house. He was confident you were inside, but he didn't know what was happening to you.

The main floor was cleared quickly. Again, the team split up to cover the upper level and the basement.

Knowing you were likely downstairs, Reid immediately started that direction, JJ and Hotch following him.

It wasn't hard for him to find you. You were still tied to the chair in the middle of the room, bag over your head.

Before anyone could stop him, Reid lowered his gun and ran to you. He gently maneuvered the bag off your head, stopping his movements only when he felt something press into his back.

"Dr. Reid. So kind of you to join us." Braddock spoke maniacally, pressing the gun against Reid's head.

"Drop your weapon." Hotch commanded, but the man only cackled in response.

'Y/N... Y/N." Reid gently shook you in an attempt to wake you up.

"She can't hear you." Braddock singsonged.

"What did you do?" Reid tried to turn to him only to feel the gun press further into his head.

"Like I said in my email, you people ruined my life. They took everything from me, so I thought I'd try to return the favor." During his short speech, Braddock shifted just enough for JJ to get a clean shot.

He fell to the ground, gun clattering across the floor.

Reid moved quickly to remove the tape binding you to the chair while Hotch called for a medic in the basement.

The entire team watched as you were wheeled into the ambulance, still unconscious, none more scared than Spencer.

-

"She's going to be fine, Spence." JJ tried to reassure him, nonetheless his pacing continued.

"You don't know that. We don't even know what he did to her." He had one hand anxiously running through his hair, the other pinching the bridge of his nose in distress.

Just then, a doctor emerged from behind closed doors.

"F/N L/N." She called into the waiting room, slightly taken aback when the group of agents rushed to her.

"It was touch and go for a while, but she got here just in time." It was visible to even the least qualified profiler how relieved the team felt. Their previously tense shoulders relaxed, frowns turned to small smiles, wide eyes and raised brows pinched together with joy.

"What happened?" Emily posed the question everyone was thinking.

"In short, she was drugged. It's not clear what exactly was used, but it was likely a mix of drugs that attempted to stop her heart."

"Can we see her?" Morgan spoke next, cautiously eyeing Reid.

"You may, follow me." The doctor lead them through a series of hallways to your room. "She should be waking up soon."

With that the doctor left, allowing the team to file into the room. You looked strangely peaceful for someone who almost died.

"So..." JJ glanced between you and Spencer. "Girlfriend, huh?"

His eyes went wide. Instinctively, he turned to you for help, but you were still asleep. He opened his mouth to answer, but no words came out.

"Relax, kid." Morgan grinned. "We're happy as long as you two are happy."

Spencer smiled gratefully, looking at you with an adoring gaze. "We are happy."

"How long?' Emily gestured to your joined hands. Just before Spencer could answer, you groaned.

"I want to hear your guesses first." Your voice was raspy, but there was a clear smile on your face. "Also, what happened?"

The quickly explained the email Garcia received and the events that followed.

"Now that that's cleared up, do tell us how long you think we've been together. I know you've got a bet going." You narrowed your eyes, playfully glaring at each team member.

"4 months." Hotch begrudgingly admitted. JJ followed with 3 months, Derek and Rossi both betting 10 weeks, and Emily going with 6 weeks.

"Ha, you're all wrong." You smiled triumphantly, leaning closer to Spencer.

"Wait, we haven't heard from Garcia." Derek smirked as he rung her on speaker phone.

"Oh, my beautiful crime fighters. Y/N, are you okay?" Your smile widened at the concern in her voice.

"I am indeed, but I have a very important question for you." You glanced as Spencer briefly before continuing. "How long do you think Spence and I have been together?"

"Oh, I know this one!" Her excitement caught everyone but you off guard. "7 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days."

Spencer's jaw dropped as he stuttered out, "that's exactly right..."

"How'd you figure it out?" The group of profilers wore matching expressions of surprise as Penelope explained.

"Well, we had just finished testifying in the Bigelow trial. The whole team went out for drinks, and I could just see it in Y/N's eyes the next day that something wonderful happened. At first I just thought that she got some, but then I saw her and the good doctor in the kitchen getting coffee and I knew." Penelope's voice held a mixture of smugness and pure excitement.

"Babygirl, you didn't tell me?" Derek sounded genuinely offended.

"Y/N asked me not to." Even though you couldn't see her, you knew she punctuated the statement with a shrug.

"You knew, she knew?" Spencer turned to you in shock.

You nodded. "I could see it on her face the second I walked out of the kitchen. But she promised not to tell, so I didn't either."

"The two of you, thick as thieves." Rossi lamented.

"I love you so much." Spencer whispered into your ear as he pulled you in for a hug.

"I love you too." You whispered right back.

"Honestly, I'm glad the secret's out." You smiled at Spencer before looking at the rest of the team. "Although, I wish I didn't have to be kidnapped to tell you."

You spent a few more hours in the hospital before being cleared to go back to the hotel.

The next morning, you smiled to yourself as you were finally able to cuddle with Spencer during the flight home.

Permanent taglist:

@averyhotchner

@jesuswasnotawhiteman

@strawberryspence

@sebastnstn

Criminal Minds taglist:

@mac99martin

@goldeng1rl8

@measure-in-pain

[gainingfiction]

hi, this is the same anon from before (my favorite was big moments), i really enjoyed hot weather! joey as a character was really enjoyable, and i loved seeing him fall for ian. i'm always a sucker for genuine romance tropes applied to wg fiction. plus, big sweet charismatic but sort of ditzy jocks whose appetites dont slow down when they do and end up growing out of all their clothes and doubling their weight in the process... 🤤 BIG fan. this is likely antithetical to your writing process, but i'm almost curious what his weight was by the end. it didn't seem like he grew as much as an average character in your stories (not a complaint), but that might be because the narrative was so focused on making him likable and handsome that it didnt describe the exact specifics of his size. not a complaint though, i definitely had a crush on him that was stronger than just "he is a man getting very fat in my fetish erotica", so it worked a HUNDRED percent

side note, aside from the obvious (ie raul and enrique), do your characters have ethnicities? i only ask because i imagined joey as like, a more boyish winston duke, which i definitely enjoyed imagining and 3/4 of the way through reading i realized that his skin tone was never described. not an accusation of anything btw, im just curious about the less-described parts of characters in these kinds of things

(... yes i AM the kind of person who cares about ethnic diversity in amateur fetish erotica lmaooooo 💀if im gonna get off to men getting so fat they need several new wardrobes im gonna do it morally, god damn it!)

looking forward to whatever you post next!

Thanks for this awesome message, Anon! So glad you enjoyed!!

Sounds like we like the same tropes!! I’m a sucker for the “nerdy guy winning the (ex) jock’s heart”—maybe a bit of wish fulfilment on my end!

I did notice that "Hot Weather" ended up being a bit less descriptive and a little more plot-driven than some of my other work. I have a bit of a numbers kink (as you’ve probably noticed), I like scales and waist measurements and all of that fun stuff. But for this story I wanted to leave more to the imagination, and let the reader fill in as much as they wanted. So I left Joey’s weight ambiguous: we know he’s a strapping guy at 6’3”, so his starting weight could easily be close to 200 pounds. And we know that by January, he’d gained 50 pounds since starting his job sometime in the summer. The shorter timeline of this story also means that even though he gained quickly, he didn’t get to the size of someone like Daniel or Jason or Connor (at least not during the story). Other than the fact that he started gaining even more weight once he moved in with Ian, I thought I would leave his total weight gain an open question, as a sort of indication that Joey just stopped caring altogether.

As for diversity, I totally agree! It’s something that I’m conscious of and I’m trying to incorporate more of going forward. Lately I’ve been a little more vague with some of my descriptions, to leave readers more room to play out their own fantasies. So I’m thrilled that you imagined Joey as being Black! I’m not gonna pull a JK Rowling and start retroactively claiming diversity points, but I’m always delighted when readers draw their own conclusions: that’s one of the things I like best about gainer stories, you can imagine whatever type of guy you find the dreamiest!

As for characters of colour, I can’t speak for my co-author, but in writing “Lifeguard of Duty” I wrote Peter as being Korean (straight dark hair, his grandmother’s bibimbap recipe). And an upcoming story delves a little bit into the family life of a feeder named Ali, who’s Middle Eastern.

Thanks for reading! 😊 My next story, “All In a Day’s Work” is a little more experimental than some of the other stuff I’ve posted, but hopefully just as satisfying! Ideally I’ll have it online sometime in early-May.

[gyucore]

run to the shadows

pairing: soobin x reader

genre: angst (?), supernatural au

word count: 5.1k

warnings: swearing, blood and wounds, character death

synopsis: the city is on a lockdown. people with uncontrollable elemental powers are springing up left and right. the government is trying to capture every single elemental in the guise of protecting the citizens. much to your dismay, your fiancé, soobin, just had to be one of them.

The rays of the sunset left a warm sensation on your skin. The gentle breeze passing by gives you a moment of coolness that vanished as fast as it came. Children's laughter could be heard close by, their parents watching over them from afar. Sometimes, someone would pass by and greet you with a smile before continuing their way beside the calm waters of the lake. You look on to the horizon and gaze upon the direction where the sun had set, holding on to this scenic view one last time.

The blanket of the night sky soon came, a reminder that you had to quickly return home. You leave the lakeside with a heavy feeling on your chest— one that you can't seem to shake off. But there were more important matters to be dealt with.

"Hurry inside, sweetie, before the raiders come." You hear a mother say, ushering her child inside their car, her tone laced with worry as she made sure the doors were closed shut. "We don't want to be around when they capture the bad people."

Capturing bad people, huh. Even hearing the phrase was distasteful. One wouldn't expect for a government that's supposed to protect its citizens to go around doing something as inhumane as capturing someone and imprisoning them despite having done nothing wrong, and branding these victims as bad people just because they were forced into their situation.

Your thoughts fill with worry and the heavy feeling in your chest worsens. You're not sure whether this was the usual looming threat of having your life endangered, or the effect of having left your fiance's side after a huge argument. Part of you knows it's the latter.

"Soobin.." You sigh, your chest not feeling any lighter as you did. Scenes from earlier replay in your mind and you silently wish things had gone differently.

The walk home was quiet. Not a lot of people were wandering around at night anymore, even the questionable individuals that once littered the darker streets and alleys. Whether this was a good thing or not was up to how much the whole situation affected an individual.

In the more populated neighborhoods, the lights would be dimmed, the curtains drawn, the gates closed, and the windows locked shut. The clean asphalt beneath your feet soon met with bits and pieces of rubbish as you reach the farthest back of the neighborhood. The place was dark with most of the streetlight broken. You'd think that after a year, at least most of them would've been fixed but the government had a more important investment to focus on than providing their citizens the bare minimum security they at least deserve.

A creaking sound from the dark alerts your senses. Your hands come up in front as balled fists as you take a defensive stance, reminding yourself that if ever worse comes to worst, you had a dagger hidden in your pocket.

You make a quick scan of your surroundings, taking notice of every minute movement and sound your senses could pick up. No one. You'd like to think you were just being paranoid but you never know what might happen. Your heart beats faster in your chest as you go through ever possible scenario that might happen to you, or worse— to Soobin.

"Come out and face me!" You scream. Even if no one was there, no other person was living in this neighborhood that would bother to report a screaming maniac marching around their streets.

A few minutes pass and after checking each and every nearby nook and cranny, you slowly let your guard down. Perhaps you truly were just being paranoid. But who could blame you? The past few months hadn't exactly been the best. You've been in a lot of awful situations from having to hide for a week inside an abandoned theme park cave to nearly beating someone to death over food rations if Soobin hadn't stopped you.

It all started when one day, a phenomenon struck the city. Hundreds of people were turning up, reporting that they've been experiencing strange things with their body and surroundings. Eventually, it was discovered that they had somehow acquired the ability to manipulate the elements. The whole situation looked like it came straight out of a fantasy novel. But this wasn't your average story where the gifted ones get to go on crazy adventures to fulfill or prevent some messed up destiny. Quite the opposite actually.

The citizens with newfound abilities were tracked down to the ends of the city and captured. The government released a statement on how these citizens are no longer human. They were branded as monsters with uncontrollable powers that were planted in the city to harm the citizens, and eventually, the world.

They proposed a solution to lockdown the city in order to prevent the escape of these monstrous individuals and that they'd clear the streets at night from any and every individual who is suspected of possessing such abilities. Soon after, people were disappearing left and right. No one had been spared. They'd captured adults, teenagers, the elderly, and even children as young as a year old, and brought them into the holding facilities. Reports state that they were simply being held captive to enforce the necessary safety measures, but you knew all too well that they didn't stop there.

Experiments. They'd never admit to it but those that were heavily affected by these regulations knew that behind closed doors were vicious experiments being held in order to find a way to utilize these abilities for the government's advantage. One way to avoid this fate was to keep out of the prying eyes of the raiders, the ones in charge of finding and capturing the ability users.

"Y/N?"

Your eyes widen and you snap back to your senses, whirling around to see a familiar pair of eyes staring back at you.

"Y/N.." In an instant, you were engulfed in a tight hug. You feel his warmth slowly being passed down to you and for a brief moment, you allow yourself to melt in his arms. "You're safe.. I was so worried.."

You look up at none other than your fiancé, Soobin. Now that he was closer, you could see the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. It was clear that he'd been worried sick, and you were the same. A feeling of regret washes over you for ever leaving his side and causing him this much worry.

"Soobin, I—" You pause, forcing yourself out of his arms to look at the surroundings. "Let's talk inside. It's not safe out here."

Soobin nods, adjusting his hoodie as the two of you walk back inside your temporary base. The two of you had escaped into the lesser populated areas of the city to avoid public eye. You couldn't risk being seen by anyone at this state. Despite the government's unprecedented tactics, you hated to admit that they were right about one thing— most of the ability users couldn't control their powers, and unfortunately, Soobin was one of them.

Soobin paces back and forth in the living room, his mind racing with thoughts of worry. What if you had gotten mixed up into something dangerous while you were out? What if they had falsely accused you as an ability user? He wanted to scream the frustration out of his system, but he knew it wouldn't do him any good.

He regretted it. He regretted ever arguing with you in the first place. It wasn't even worth the risk of endangering both of you.

Soobin hated his newfound powers, hated how he had to hide in the slums of the city to stay alive, hated how he could never go out to see the world without putting his life at risk, and hated how you could only do so much to console him. How would you, an ordinary person, be able to relate to his worries? Eventually, he grew envious of how you could leave the house even if it was only to purchase groceries at a nearby store, and how you could bask in the warmth of the sun without having to worry about your abilities going berserk. All that pent-up emotion ended up with a huge fight. And eventually, you stormed out of the house.

Soobin had only come to terms with himself after watching you yell out in frustration before slamming the door behind and leaving.

It was you who had been by his side throughout everything. You didn't have a reason to hide, but you moved into the back of the city with him and catered to his every need. You held his hand at night when he feared he might go crazy in his sleep, and had been patient and understanding with him whenever his powers went haywire. You had protected him even when he insisted on being able to protect himself, and went to vast lengths to help him make it through until the end. Not once did you waver in front of him, and he felt so ashamed. How could he have let all those negative thoughts cloud his judgement?

Even now that he had risked his life and went outside to find you, he felt the regret deep inside his chest. Even now that he held you safely in his arms in the middle of the street, he couldn't let it go.

"Let's talk inside. It's not safe here."

Inside. It was for the best. "Okay."

It felt safer inside the house. The dim light coming from the living room lamp, thick walls, and drawn curtains brought on a familiar sense of comfort. Soobin had taken off his hoodie and tossed it aside, leaving him in his favorite loose white shirt. One thing you've come to notice even before your engagement was that he wore that specific shirt whenever he wanted some room to breathe. You hoped that he's had a good amount of that when you'd left him alone earlier.

Soobin makes himself comfortable on the couch next to the window, patting the spot next to him. You refrain from taking his offer. "Soobin, about earlier.."

“I'm sorry.” / “I'm sorry.”

Soobin looks up at you, blinking, and the two of you burst into laughter. After a while, he clears his throat and speaks up. You lean against the counter to hear him out. "You know, it's funny. Earlier I had this whole apology planned out in my head explaining everything— why I said all that stuff, and how I regret every single word. I wanted you to maybe understand where I'm coming from and how sorry I am but.." His eyes once again meet yours and as if a silent message had been conveyed, Soobin smiles. "Somehow, I feel like you already know."

You smile back, finally taking up his offer and plopping down right next to him on the couch. You rest your head on Soobin's shoulder, and he does the same. The warmth of his hand spreads throughout yours as he interlocks your fingers, bringing them close to your faces. The edge of your engagement rings glisten against the dim light, a promise of eternity with each other that would soon be sealed. An eternity in each other's embrace.

Before all of this had started, you had spent countless nights like this with Soobin, balled up together on the sofa or bed, and enjoying the warmth in each other's arms. Now, you'd barely spent the nights together. Rules had been established to keep you two safe from the prying eyes of the government, and naturally, there were also rules you'd agreed on to keep each other safe. One of those rules was that you couldn't sleep on the same bed. Soobin had no control of his powers and feared that he might hurt you in his sleep. You had tried it out once during the first week, ignoring the possibility. It didn't end well.

A knock on the front door breaks the silence in the room.

Soobin pulls you closer in his arms, an uneasy feeling settling in his stomach. A frown creeps up his lips as he leaned in closer to your face. “I know what you're thinking but please listen to me—”

“Soobin..” You look him in the eyes, holding his hand tighter. “I heard a noise on the way back. I think I might have been followed.”

Another knock sounds from the door, sounding more impatient than before

“In that case, I want you to stay behind.” Soobin says, letting go of your hand as he gets up from the couch.

“What? Why?” You follow right after, blocking Soobin's path to the door.

“You said you were being followed. If it's a raider then it couldn't have followed you to get to me when I haven't been outside in a long time.” Soobin sighs, walking around you. It wasn't news that raiders would falsely accuse random citizens as ability users for some short-term glory of having allegedly protected the city from these monsters. “I have a bad feeling about this, Y/N. I don't want you getting hurt.”

“And I don't want them to capture you.”

“They won't.”

“Soobin, please listen to me. You can't control your abilities yet. What if—” You were about to run after him when you notice you couldn't move. You look down and see that your feet had been bound to the ground by chains of ice. Since when had Soobin gained this much control over his powers? was the first thought that came to mind. He'd been training for a while but the results have been rather unhelpful. But not this time.

Soobin wasn't sure when he'd started feeling confident about his abilities, but he's sure of one thing. He'd use his abilities to protect what matters to him the most: you.

“Is someone there?” He asks before opening the door, heart thumping in his chest as he waited for an answer.

“Raid officer. I'm here to have a word, if I may.”

“In the middle of the night?”

“Justice sleeps for no one, sir.”

Justice. Soobin holds his breath as he opens the door, preparing himself for the worst. He comes face to face with a young man around his age— blond hair, clean and kempt raider uniform— he didn't look like the type to be fooled easily.

“What brings you here this late at night, officer?”

The officer smiles, straightening himself up. “Sorry for the disturbance. I'm Officer Kang Taehyun, and that's my partner, Choi Yeonjun.” He points at a pink haired officer with unkempt uniform, leaning against their motorbikes. “We'd like to ask you a few questions.”

Soobin agrees to their request, fully stepping out of the house.

“Full name?”

"That's.." Soobin hesitates, pondering whether he should tell him his real name or not. He notices the folder Taehyun was holding, and figured that the Officer might have already known his identity. He was testing him. “Choi Soobin.”

“A pleasure meeting you, Mr. Choi Soobin. You live alone?”

“Yes.”

The officer raises a brow. “I see. Any visitors over? A relative, or perhaps a lover?”

Soobin's heart races. He could spot the officer's partner at the back, preparing hid gear. He didn't like where this was going. “No.”

"Is that so?" The officer, Taehyun, breaks into a smile— cold, unsettling. He wonders if this smile was the last others have seen before getting sent straight to the facilities.

"This side of the neighborhood is pretty quiet, don't you think? No one else is living here except you."

"This place certainly has its charms." Soobin shrugs, trying his best to drive away suspicion. "I don't mind living alone and the groceries aren't that far from here anyway."

Officer Yeonjun steps in, gear in place and face unreadable. He nudges Taehyun to the side and takes over the conversation. "Listen, we'll make this quick for you. My partner and I spotted a suspicious woman walking around this area. No one else is living here except you. Do you know anything about her?"

There it was. Soobin supposes he couldn't have avoided the question any longer. "No, I don't. I haven't seen anyone nearby either. I was here at home the entire night, making dinner."

"I see." Yeonjun nods, his hand slowly reaching for something in his pocket. "You seem like a pretty agreeable guy. I'm sure you wouldn't mind if we checked inside to see if you're telling the truth."

"Not at all." Soobin grins, opening the door wider. It's not like he could refuse them in the first place. Raiders had been given the authority to search any premises without a warrant. He just hopes you had half a mind to hide yourself by now.

And you did. Both of you had prepared the house for circumstances like this. There was a trap door in the living room where you could hide in the case of an emergency. Soobin had melted the ice once Officer Yeonjun stepped in, and that was enough of a signal for you to hide. You couldn't afford to put Soobin in any more risk than he was already in.

Heavy footsteps liter the living room. Two, no, three pairs? That meant the two officers had gone inside with Soobin.

"Mr. Choi, would you mind showing my partner upstairs?"

"Of course."

You feel your pulse start to race. Soobin being alone with a raider was putting them in a stickier situation. If he loses control at any moment, this could mean the end of their lives. You couldn't help but peek through the hole on the floorboard. Only the pink haired officer was left behind to search the living room. You try to breathe quieter, hoping he wouldn't notice your presence.

The officer brings his hand to his ear, head shifting around as if making sure there weren't any witnesses.

"What is he doing?" You think to yourself, bracing for the worst.

"Taehyun's got him cornered upstairs. The girl isn't here. We'll proceed as planned."

You hold back a gasp and stumble back. A loud thump sounds upstairs followed by a glass shattering. Soobin!

The officer hears the noise and sighs, smashing his communicator onto the ground. He crouches down onto the floorboard and knocks twice. "Hey, I know you're there. Listen to me."

You don't respond, shock and fear stopping you from even breathing.

"This may be too much to ask, but please trust me. I'm part of the anti-faction unit that's here to support the ability users. My partner will capture your boyfriend and bring him to the facilities and I don't have a choice but to help him. I'll report you as a missing case so run away after my partner and I leave. There's no saving your boyfriend now so you could at least save yourself."

"Why are you doing this? Why can't you just save him?" You choke on your words, anger slowly rising. If he was here as an undercover agent then he could've at least saved Soobin.

"It's loo late. The facility's had an eye on him for months. If I do anything now, my cover would be blown. I can't have that." The officer frowns. You could see his fallen expression through the hole but that wasn't enough to calm you down.

"And I can't have Soobin getting killed." You snarl, hands balling into fists.

"He won't." The officer says before standing up. "They'll be down soon. Just do as I say and save yourself."

You feel your blood boiling. They knew Soobin was an ability user from the start and had used you as an excuse to lure him in a tight spot. Abandon Soobin? Not a chance. You didn't abandon him back then and you were sure as hell you wouldn't be abandoning him now when he needed you most.

"Move."

"Hm?"

The trap door had enough space to hide in, but that also meant you had enough space to make a running start. "I said move." You ram against the floorboard, knocking Yeonjun off and bursting the door open.

You were free.

"Soobin! Get out of there!" You scream the moment you got out, running as fast as your legs could carry you towards the stairs.

"Are you crazy?!" Yeonjun runs after you, breath hitching as he manages to grab your leg. "You could get killed!"

You kick Yeonjun's hand, causing him to stumble behind. "Soobin!" You scream, dashing upstairs. You make a sharp turn towards his bedroom and find him down on the floor, blood dripping from his hands.

Soobin looks at you, tears threatening to prick his eyes. "Y/N, get away from here!"

"Soobin.." Your gaze shifts from his worried eyes to Officer Taehyun's cold ones, looking at you like you were as significant as a tiny insect. It was only then that you realized what a mess the place was. The book case had been knocked over, sending the books scattering around the room. A huge spear of ice had bursted from the ground and crashed onto the glass window, coming in between Soobin and the officer.

"So, you were here all along?" Officer Taehyun scoffs, his tone as cold as his expression.

"Y/N, stand back. I'll handle this." Soobin tells you, wincing as he holds a hand towards the officer.

"You can't do anything to me." Taehyun smirks, crossing his arms. "You used up all your energy making this freak ice appear and for what? To buy time? You're the type who loses energy while using your abilities, so why not stop now?" You see him glance your way before snickering. "Is it the girl? Do monsters even have time for love?"

"Might want to check in the mirror." You slowly inch towards Soobin's side. "Who's the monster here? A guy who's just trying to live his life quietly, or the one who's had innocent blood spilled in his hands for countless nights?"

Taehyun's amused expression falls. "Last time I checked, none of them were innocent. And I'm not the one who conjured ice from the ground to harm an officer. Normal humans don't do that shit. Monsters do. Isn't that right, Yeonjun?"

Before you knew it, you were pinned to the ground. Yeonjun had crept up on you from behind while you were distracted.

"Y/N!" Soobin rushes after you but stops as Yeonjun takes out a knife and puts it to your neck.

"Move and I'll cut her." Yeonjun spits out his empty threats. You knew he wouldn't harm you. He just wanted to get out of this mess as fast as possible.

Soobin clicks his tongue, lowering his hands in defeat. Taehyun finds himself smiling at the entire situation. "There you go. And just when I thought you'd lost your common sense."

He walks over to Soobin, carefully maneuvering through the ice and shards of glass. "Come with us quietly, and we'll set her free. No scratches, no anything. Do we have a deal?" He takes out specialized handcuffs used to detain ability users and twirls it around his fingers.

"Don't! Soobin, please! There must be another way!" You scream, trying to break free from Yeonjun's hold but that only made him pin you down harder.

Soobin looks back at you and then at Taehyun, shedding a tear as he holds his hands out in front. "Keep your end of the deal. I surrender."

"No!"

"Quiet." Yeonjun puts the blade back into his pockets and puts his hand over your mouth. "Mmf!"

You felt powerless as you watch Soobin get handcuffed, his eyes never leaving yours— taking in your face one last time. "I'm sorry." He whispers.

"Oh, and for safety measure." Taehyun hums as he takes out a tranquilizer needle, stabbing Soobin on the neck. Soobin's falls on the ground, unconscious. "You can't be too careful with these monsters." Taehyun chuckles, bending down and hoisting Soobin up in his shoulders. He walks over to you and Yeonjun, leaving behind a few instructions for his partner. "Release her when I give the signal."

"My communicator's broken."

Taehyun raises a brow.

"It fell and got stepped on when this chick came out of nowhere and ambushed me."

Taehyun sighs. "I suppose we don't have a choice. Use my communicator." He uses his free hand to hand Yeonjun his communicator.

Yeonjun holds it in his hand and nods. You try to look over the door towards Soobin, but they were long gone. Yeonjun notices this and bends down, whispering.

"Listen. The plans have changed." He holds out Taehyun's communicator in front of you and smashes it to the ground. "Taehyun has no means of contacting the others for backup, and they can't hear us from where they're parked. We might be able to save Soobin." He loosens his grip and lets you go.

"What made you change your mind?"

Yeonjun sighs, helping you up. "We actually have a fighting chance now if we work together."

"What do you mean?"

"It's gonna take Taehyun a while to sort through the mess blocking the door."

"Mess? What mess?" And then it hit you. "You missed it up on purpose." That's why it took him so long to catch up.

Yeonjun takes out a gun from his holster and cocks it. "Listen carefully. We don't have a lot of time. Taehyun's has his guard down right now. I'm gonna sneak up to him and shoot hid arm that's holding Soobin. As soon as he drops him, I want you to grab Soobin and take him to the back. I'll meet you there."

You didn't exactly trust the guy but you weren't in a situation to be picky. "Fine."

"On my signal." Yeonjun whispers, taking a step forward from your hiding spot.

The plan sets in motion. The two of you sneak downstairs, peeking at Taehyun who's trying to sift through the broken furniture with one hand.

"Wow, looks like the girl got away. My bad."

"What are you—"

Yeonjun pulls the trigger before Taehyun could turn around, hitting the heel on his right leg.

"Shit!" Taehyun winces in pain. He reaches for his gun but Yeonjun was faster, shooting two other bullets through his other leg and his shoulder that's holding Soobin. He drops Soobin to the ground with a thud.

Yeonjun turns to you. "Now!"

You sprint towards Soobin's body, adrenaline coursing through your veins.

"Hold it right there." Taehyun pulls out a knife and holds it towards Soobin's throat. "One step closer and I'll kill him. Even if that traitor shoots me, I'll just use the last of my energy to slash his throat. You don't want that now, do you?" The look in Taehyun's eyes infuriated you. He looked so confident that you wouldn't dare take another step further, none of you would. And he was right.

Your eyes fall upon Soobin, your heart squeezing in your chest at the thought of losing him. All you could hope for was a miracle. To hell, it didn't even need to be a miracle. It could be a tragedy, a curse, whatever. Just let Soobin return safely in your arms.

You feel your hands heating up despite the cool air rushing inside from the open windows. A warm sensation fills your chest and you gasp for air. Taehyun and Yeonjun observe as you grip your stomach. You feel like throwing up. It felt like you've lost all control in your body. You were sweating from the heat, and the world looked like it was spinning out of control. Your vision clouds until a bright light flashes, stunning you for a brief moment.

"What's wrong with you?"

Your attention shifts towards Taehyun who'd spoken and all you could see was red. "Let him go."

Taehyun tightens his grip on the handle. "I didn't know this monster's life meant so little to you."

"Sorry to break it to you, but his worth is immeasurable in my eyes. I'd do anything for him." You narrow your eyes at his face. "Even if it meant I'd have to spill blood in my hands."

"Y/N, what are you doing?" Yeonjun asks, his tone laced with worry.

"Committing a murder." You answer, not bothering to look at him. "But not a crime."

In a split-second, the door behind Taehyun explodes, the flaming debris piercing Taehyun straight in the chest, miraculously missing Soobin. Taehyun's lifeless body falls onto the ground and Yeonjun takes cover from the explosion. You stay plotted at the same spot, scratches littering your sides as you nearly miss the flying debris. The fire slowly spreads throughout the living room and your legs give in as you drop to the floor.

You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding, your arms instinctively reaching towards Soobin. Drained seemed like an understatement. You could barely move. It was as if all the energy you had earlier had been sucked out of your body.

"Y/N, get a hold of yourself!" Yeonjun rushes towards your side as soon as the coast was clear. "We have to get out of here!"

The world around you darkens and your mind turns blank. You couldn't even think at this point. Soobin was right in front of you yet nothing of what has happened has processed in your head. In the end, all you could do was stare at his face as hot tears spilled from your eyes.

"Snap out of it!"

You feel a stinging sensation coming from your cheek and you look up at Yeonjun. The air rushes back up your lungs and you gasp.

"Listen to me. We need to get out of here right now. If the fire spreads throughout the house, we're done for. We either die in flames or be killed once the backup finds us. Can you walk?"

"Yeah.. I think I can." You try your best to answer. He helps you on your feet before rushing towards Soobin.

Yeonjun stumbles as he hoists Soobin onto his back. He looks at you, eyes determined. "We managed to escape now, but who knows what'll happen next. What do we do now?"

In the end, it all came down to this. Wherever you went, it was all the same. You and Soobin have suffered too much, and it was time to put an end to it. Strangely enough, the flames that had swallowed your living room didn't make you afraid. It made you feel powerful— powerful enough to make a change.

"I don't want to cower in fear anymore." You lock eyes with Yeonjun who earnestly gangs on to your every word. "We've hidden ourselves in the darkness in fear of being captured but I think it's time we use the what we're familiar with to fight them off— use the darkness to turn against our oppressors."

"So what do you suggest we do?" Yeonjun settles right next to you.

You face your resolve, reaching your hand to caress Soobin's sleeping face. "For now.."

"We run to the shadows."

[ambivalent-anarchy]

The Spidey Squad Playing Among Us

Masterlist

Welp, this game is all the rave all of a sudden and irdk how since the game's pretty much been here forever lol but it's still fun so I had to jump on the bandwagon and here we are! Make sure you check go out @chaoticpete's new fic. Anyways here it is! If this gets enough likes I might do an avengers headcanon too.

Thanks to @angelsparkers for helping me realize I wasn't writing complete garbage and helping me to get through it even though she didn't even know she was doing that. So yeah thanks for that.

Peter

Crewmate: Peter is that crewmate that will 100% call you out on your bs, because he knows the game a little too well for you to be able to pull anything over him(because of all that free time waiting on patrol). You think all that stuff with the avengers didn't teach him strategy? Ha! This guy is PEAK detective. Gets his tasks done fast and when he's done is probably spending his time monitoring people on security or vitals. It only took him like 2 weeks to memorize all the maps and where everything is, so if you say you were in navigation, you better believe he's gonna ask you what task you were doing there. And if you don't answer to his liking, Peter will sound the "sus" alarm on you in two point five seconds and have everyone voting you out. He's probably the only person that could figure out MJ when she's the impostor. So if you're the impostor, watch your words and make sure your alibis are strong cuz little Petey ain't playin' no games. Definitely gets attacked from time to time by those people that are always like "sMaRt PpL rUiN tHe GaMe"

Impostor: He's pretty much the most average impostor. Sometimes he doesn't know what to say when people call him sus and he'll get voted out because he's being "too quiet" or because Ned keeps defending him. He'll mess up every now and then but for the most part, he's pretty decent. His style is usually to stay in the vents most of the game and kill when only one person's around. He probably bribes Ned to not rat him out by promising him that he won't kill him.

Name: It used to be just Peter, but soon he wanted an actual cool name so he chose Sherlock because of all the times when he was "too smart" and won the game too quickly and people would go "pack it up Sherlock" and vote him out.

Favorite color to be: It used to be red, but he quickly found that the more he was red the more people found him "sus" so now he's usually either blue or cyan

Ned

Crewmate: Pretty average crewmate. 80% of the time is covering for Peter, even if Peter is the impostor. Won't do much calling people out unless he's absolutely sure that he saw a kill or vent. Pretty chill and easily persuadable. You'd definitely want him on your team. If he ever gets wrongfully ejected he's the one that pitifully tries to plead his case saying stuff like "what???" and "guys it's not me!!!!" which doesn't really convince anyone and just makes him look more guilty. He'll still do his tasks after though.

Impostor: He's the impostor that doesn't want to be the impostor. If you're texting then maybe he can hold his own, but if you're doing voice chats, there's no way this guy is getting past ANYONE. He has so many tells that it's ridiculous. Is actually scared to vent too much because he's always paranoid that someone's gonna be right there when he jumps out. 8/10 the crewmates win when he's the imposter because he'll just kill like only two people the entire time or gets caught really early on.

Name: Probably some sci-fi reference like r2d2 or Potter

Favorite color to be: Yellow or white because he says those are the most "innocent" colors and he'll be less likely to get voted if he's those (not true but we'll let him believe it)

MJ

Crewmate: Suspicion times 100. Her motto: trust no one. Will get you kicked out in a heartbeat with a quick "trust me. if it's not them vote me next." An absolute unit but will never be caught getting emotional over a game. If she's ever wrongfully ejected her last words will be "whatever. go ahead. vote me and lose." She'll just come back in the next game with a vengeance and false accusations ready, not caring if the entire team loses because of it. She's especially dangerous to have because people usually trust her word. She always finds a way to seem the least suspicious. Though sometimes she'll get suspected because of her quiet nature. There's always that one guy that's ready to go "uR qUiEt ThAt'S sUs!!"

Impostor: If MJ is the impostor, you can just throw your whole phone away. You're not winning that game. Like, ever. She will do whatever it takes to win, even sell out her own her partner. On the off chance that you catch her being suspicious, she'll sabotage a bunch of things so that you can't call meetings and then she'll kill you when no one's around. She is ruthless and will hurt your feelings with the way that she will own everyone in the game. Hardly anyone ever expects her. Thrives on venting. You won't see her you'll just be doing a task and suddenly you'll be dead.

Name: Used to be just MJ but she got annoyed with all the people in the messages who always assumed she meant Michael Jackson or Michael Jordan so she changed it to Michelle

Favorite color to be: She literally doesn't care either way. Won't change the gameplay so why bother? Whatever color she ends up with she'll be fine.

Betty

Crewmate & Impostor: The most average player of them all. She wins some, she loses some. Nice partner to have though, because she'll never give you away. Probably the first to die most times. If she ever gets wrongfully ejected she's the one that uses her last words to say who she thinks it and doesn't even try to plead her case once it starts to look bad for her. She just finished the rest of her tasks.

Name: Probably either her name or some nickname or inside joke. Idk she just seems like the type of person to have a reference to something that absolutely nobody knows

Favorite color to be: Pink. Just because she likes pink.

Flash

Crewmate: Claims things are sus even if they aren't. Will totally be biased based on names. Anybody who knows him will never count him as a credible source. Gets voted out quickly alot because of how annoying he is in the game.

Impostor: He's the easiest to figure out. He's the impostor that obnoxiously accuses literally everyone else. And in all capital letters too. "ITS RED I STG. IF IT'S NOT HIM VOTE ME NEXT!" Calls everyone sus and always claims he's seen people running from the body. He usually self-reports and goes for the easy marks in electrical. He's not that good (even though he thinks he is) and it takes anyone with a brain to figure him out. Peter and MJ are bane of his existence in that game. If he gets wrongfully ejected he'll rage and probably leave the game like the little crybaby he is.

Name: Spideys#1 because he's really just THAT obsessed. Or when he's really feeling "teenage boy" he'll be cOchieman

Favorite color to be: Red because sPiDeRmAn'S hIs BeSt FrIeNd (ahahaha if only he knew)

May

She didn't know this game at all until Peter introduced her to it one day because he was bored. She LOVED it. He had to pry it out of her hands after she kept repeating "Hold on, one more!" So she downloaded on her phone and now she plays it whenever she's bored.

Crewmate: Average. Same as Betty.

Impostor: The way May can actually dominate being the impostor is sort of scary. And she'd always be the last person you'd expect because she just has that trusting vibe about her. Sometimes she'll mess up and give herself away, but for the most part, she's pretty good. Doesn't vent much. Just like Ned, she doesn't trust it.

Name: Madonna

Favorite color to be: She doesn't care much but she prefers to be purple, cyan, or orange

Funny Moment

《Peter calls an emergency meeting 10 seconds into the game》

- Michelle: what

- Betty: what

- Michelle: skip

- r2d2: bro already?

- Sherlock: okay everyone just listen

- k0chieman: bruh

- Michelle: okay listen to what

- Sherlock: flash what task are you doing

- Betty: alright were listening

- k0chieman: the divert thingy in navi

- r2d2: pete what is this

- Sherlock: yeah dude that diverty thingy is the second of two steps

- Sherlock: u never did the first

- Sherlock: which means ur an impostor faking

- Michelle: flash?

- k0chieman: no

- k0chieman: i did do it

- r2d2: the times low we gotta decide guys

- Sherlock: if you did it wouldve taken you 12-15 seconds to get there and were not that far in the game

- Sherlock: u cant already be doing it

- Sherlock: everybody vote flash

- r2d2: petes on x games mode

- Michelle: damn dude

- k0chieman: wtf parker

- Sherlock: bye dude

- Sherlock: worlds greatest detective strikes again

- Michelle: okay calm down pete

《couple seconds later》

. 　　　。　　　　•　 　ﾟ　　。 　　.

　　　.　　　 　　.　　　　　。　　 。　. 　

.　　 。　　　　　 ඞ 。 . 　　 • 　　　　•

　　ﾟ　　 Flash was An Impostor.　 。　.

　　'　　　 1 Impostor remains 　 　　。

　　ﾟ　　　.　　　. ,　　　　.　 .

Best Imposter Combos

Peter & Ned: Goes without saying. Nine times out of ten they're in the same room while playing this so they can just talk strategy to each other and take everyone out really quickly. Really annoying for everybody else, but they'll win so they're happy.

MJ & Peter: These two together are a force to be reckoned with. The second they see that they're both impostors they call each other up and get to business like they're on a mission. This stuff is serious. (More for Peter than MJ. She has to keep telling him that it's just a game.) He stays on security stuff, telling her when it's safe, and she racks up the kills. When things get heavy, they sabotage and then go on a spree. These two hardly ever lose. (When the whole squad is together whoever's in charge [if it's not Pete or MJ] usually puts the kill cooldown at max just in case these two get that they can't be at full power)

MJ & Betty: Betty isn't afraid to sacrifice herself so that they'll win and MJ is ruthless and quick with her kills. Both have the smarts to be able to be extremely persuasive and you'd hate for them to pick you to frame. Because being put against those two in the chatroom will lead you nowhere but abyss of space.

May & Peter: Parkers united. 'Nough said.

Tagging: @spideyyeet, @soft-petey, @spidey-reids-2003, @spidey-boy-89, @sovereignparker, @bubblebucky, @underoosjae

[exclamaquest]

I sent an ask recently and idk if it didn't go through or you answered it and I missed it but I was asking about your V3talentswap! specifically about Tennis Player Tsumugi and Detective Ryoma. I know you said in your TS!Tsumugi post that.... something bad happened to all her competition? what's up with that? (what happened to them? is she the culprit? is she a possible target?) Also I don't think you've said much specifically abt Ryoma so what's he like? what cases does he solve? Thank you!

sorry for not answering this earlier!! your original ask didn't go through, so thank you for sending it again :]

tsumugi is by all accounts a perfectly average tennis player! her athletic skills are firmly in the realm of plausible for anyone who's willing to put in a little work, her reaction time is normal, and her understanding of the strategy is abolutely average. she's not that much of a looker, either. the thing that sets her apart from her competitors is the string of accidents that tend to follow her around like a murder of crows. torn rotator cuffs, slipping on the court, a broken net in a racket...it's always something, and it always lets her come out on top. of course, nothing can be proven. and in another time and place, she might even be called the ultimate lucky student. but she's chosen to succeed in tennis, and so ultimate tennis player she is.

she's so honored to be there too!! she knows damn well she's not the general definition of ultimate, and she's very aware that she's at most mediocre at tennis. tsumugi's real specialty lies in tennis facts and history, and she'd be a shoo-in for ultimate commentator if she wasn't a total wreck when put on the spot (which isn't helpful when she's falsely accused of murder and breaks down during the trial). however, if you put on a rerun of an old game, she can give you a perfect play-by-play of what's going on in engaging layman's terms.

her outfit is super plain too! it's just a generic tennis outfit in white and baby blue, with a little visor that's got her old school's logo on it and a knee brace (she pushes herself practicing a LOT).

this just turned into me rambling about tennis tsumugi sorry i just love her a lot KGDKGD

ryoma solves missing person's cases most! he takes on others too, but those are the ones he feels most called to. within that, he specializes in missing children. he's extremely good at what he does, but the things he sees have hardened him. think sam spade with a whole heap of trauma and cynicism. sometimes he can't find the child, or has to tell the parents the worst news possible--and that's when he wants to quit so badly. but most of the time he gets to watch the smiles on their faces as their family reunites. and he knows he'll never have that, but at least he can give it to someone else.

[reading-writing-revolution]

This is long but an important insight..m.

Yu Li - Posted originally

February 8 at 8:09 AM ·

Thanks for speak out! Mario Cavolo

-------

加油中国！When the United States 2009 H1N1 swine flu emerged, an international emergency, a declared global pandemic, it eventually infected 60 million and initially killed a minimum of 18,449 cases that year. But the final story of the H1N1 global pandemic was far worse than that, with close to 300,000 deaths, according to the final tallies in 2012 reported by the CDC, as you will read below.

Which is why I am scratching my head at how bizarrely negative forces are attacking China and Chinese people as it engages a remarkably aggressive front addressing this Corona virus outbreak which started in Wuhan, central China. I am forced to ask and answer a few questions.

During 2009 H1N1 outbreak, I don't recall xenophobic anti-America attacks across the globe, do you? In fact, do you recall it took six months for the U.S. to declare a national emergency? Did any government from the onset in April 2009 through the end in April 2010, including the month of June, when H1N1 was declared an international emergency global pandemic, then send out a notice to its citizens that they should leave the United States? Close their borders to American travelers? Nope, not a peep.

Like I said, something's not right, folks. I am reading hateful vicious attacks on the Chinese government for their supposed intentional conspiracy to intentionally under report the number of infections, yet that is exactly and always the case with such flu outbreaks no matter what country and the CDC reports illustrate that crystal clear. The U.S. H1N1 swine flu numbers were vastly underestimated and updated three years later, because dear friends, that is the nature of such viral outbreaks which don't care which country they started in. There is never enough man power, there are never enough test kits, there is never enough medicine or medical supplies. China is not trying to hide these hardships, they are well known, they are being reported on the news daily in China. There are always people who die, thousands of them whom we'll never know if they actually died because of a particular virus. Those are the facts, not any problem unique to China's healthcare system or government.

Its not a conspiracy, its just tragedy.

According to the June 27, 2012 research report followup three years later, it gets much more disturbing when you learn about the CDC's final estimate of the H1N1 virus global death toll. You and I find at this at this article at the Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy website, the CDC's 18,449 total deaths number was "...regarded as WELL BELOW THE TRUE TOTAL, mainly because many people who die of flu-related causes are not tested for the disease." So during the 2009 outbreak, was anyone accusing the American medical and government authorities of hiding the numbers? Were Americans with hidden cameras strolling into the Mayo Clinic to PROVE how many people were really dying? The absurdity of these vicious attacks are that whether or not a person specifically does have the Corona virus or some other viral bug presenting as pneumonia, the treatment is the same supportive treatment anyway.

Something's not right here folks. The world should be applauding China's unprecedented, broad, aggressive response. (WHO officials and many other government and healthcare officials across the globe are.) I am on the ground here in China READ IT HERE watching with my own eyes and it is quite incredible by any measure, not to mention an enormous economic sacrifice.

Instead of looking at the will of an entire system of government acting faster than any other government on the planet could, we are one month later, still busy bashing a few local government officials in Wuhan who should have told us a couple weeks sooner. And yes, that is true those local officials screwed up. And by the way, those officials are in deep trouble for it. Just like the recent Puerto Rican politicians who are in trouble when we learned they didn't distribute hurricane emergency supplies that were sent to them to help during last year's terrible hurricane. A disgrace. Individual people screw up all the time and hopefully justice gets served later, but that's not an indictment of an entire country's government. Secondly, on this point, every provincial government has sent out a notice to its government officials pretty much saying that if they are stupid enough to do the same, they will face the wrath of harsh punishment. I don't doubt it for a moment. Lets contrast to what countless western politicians have gotten away with and remain in office to remind all of us that human error, stupidity and greed is not unique to any particular skin color or race or country. "What about..." reactions don't help.

And here's the mic drop for you: "The CDC researchers estimate that the H1N1 2009 pandemic virus caused 201,200 respiratory deaths and another 83,300 deaths from cardiovascular disease associated with H1N1 infections." Total: 284,000 deaths. Shocking, isn't it?

Was there a travel ban for any length of time to and from the United States?

Did China, Germany, Japan or any other country close their border to American travelers?

Today I noticed in the updates that following the United States Department of State policy suggesting U.S. citizens leave China, the United Kingdom embassy just released the same recommendation to subjects of the kingdom.

In 2009, did UK subjects in America get a notice from their kingdom to leave America? No.

Did the world suggest we isolate from America? Close the U.S. borders!? No.

Did Americans get xenophobically attacked and targeted by anti-American sentiments like the Chinese are experiencing now? Um, no.

Fascinating and disturbing to say the least. If you're an expat currently in China, unless you're in Wuhan, fact is that you're most likely safer and more peaceful and more stable by simply staying put than by leaving right now. You couldn't be safer than in this country, where almost everyone is staying home and dutifully isolating themselves with awareness. Not to mention that the Chinese government's decision to safeguard the society, the families, the people, is coming at a devastating economic cost in the hundreds of billions.

I have a friend in Mesa, Arizona. He told me earlier that the big popular China City buffet, a huge busy place, has no customers. Does that make any sense at all?

Let's test our ability to reason, to be rational:

If you were in Miami and you heard that there was a virus outbreak that started in Milan, in central Italy, would you cancel your dinner reservation at the Italian restaurant that night in South Beach? No. Would you buy a pizza next week at Joey's Pizzeria in Delray Beach?

If you were in Singapore and you heard there was a virus outbreak in Dallas, Texas in the central United States, would you stop going to your favorite local Texas southern BBQ restaurant with the owner from Houston, in Singapore?

Would you avoid olive-skinned dark-haired Italian-looking people on the street in Chicago? Would you avoid big guys wearing cowboy hats, cuz they're obviously from Texas in Singapore cuz there's a virus in Dallas and they might have just gotten off the plane? There's a strange senseless bullying extremism and activism in today's society and you should do your best to avoid it and not be a part of it. It is fomented by a small group of extremist activists while definitely not supported by your average mainstream person who is simply exhausted by their outrage-inducing antics.

Finally, here are some straight up, sensible accurate descriptions of this Corona virus which started in Wuhan, China. Its not called the China virus and neither was H1N1 called the America virus. Whether two weeks or two months from now, this flu season type virus will have passed and the joy of Spring will have arrived. Just like every flu season. However, don't misunderstand me. The extra caution and the remarkable response by the Chinese governments and people together to quell the spread of this virus was warranted because, yes it is correct that this corona virus is nastier than the usual annual flu bug, as was H1N1 in 2009. As of now, what we can confidently note the following regarding this Corona virus:

This Corona virus is highly contagious, it spreads quite easily. It binds to lung tissue and so in particular, likes to cause pneumonia, that's what infection of lung tissue is. That's more severe than a respiratory infection which is only in your throat or bronchial tubes.

The Corona virus currently has a 2% death rate. That's a lot higher, around 20x higher, than a more typical annual flu virus with a death rate of 0.1%. However, a 2% death rate is still much lower by comparison to the SARS virus which had a 9% death rate or the MERS virus with a really nasty 37% death rate.

The Corona virus is causing severe symptoms in 10-15% of cases. 80% to 90% of deaths from this virus are happening in elderly patients, mostly with other existing health problems, not younger people. That characteristic by the way, is in contrast to the America 2009 H1N1 swine flu virus which in fact had a higher death rate amongst younger people including children rather than those over 60 years old.

China identified and shared the Corona virus genome in record times, in only days and of course, immediately shared it with all international health and disease organizations. Medical researchers are already discovering that certain existing anti-viral medications seem to be effective against this Corona virus.

Its impossible not to marvel at China's broad and aggressive domestic response directed by the provincial level governments to restrict movement, restrict transportation, restrict business for a period of time combined with the voluntary dutiful cooperation of its 1.3 billion citizens who are in the majority quietly staying at home these weeks to let the virus pass; this model response is already being hailed by the international community as a remarkable unprecedented response setting a new standard in understanding what is possible for future outbreaks in whatever country they may occur. Is it inconvenient and costly. You bet.

Like I said, something's not right with the way humanity is responding to what's happening here. I haven't put my finger on it because well, its certainly complex and the world is upside down in many other ways that I also can't for the life of me understand or explain without ending up writing a very thick book.

But I do know this: It needs to stop. This vicious, political, xenophobic racist attacks and smearing of all things China needs to stop. Its really not helping anyone in the political corridors of Washington nor is it doing anything to help the man on the street who is just concerned with taking care of his family.

My family is originally from the Basilicata region of Italy, the little hillside Italian towns of Potenza and also, Grottola, which is just outside of Matera. They left their home country and moved to America where I was born, in Yonkers, New York. America became their home and it was my home until I left, too. Now over two decades ago, I left the United States, the country I was born in, the country that has plenty to admire and plenty to improve. But I left and I came to China and now China is my home. If you had asked me thirty years ago if this was my life plan on planet earth, I would have said you were nuts or a really bad fortune teller. But that's how it has turned out. I am truly blessed with my lovely Chinese wife and our family living here in Shenyang in China's northeast. You get my meaning? I am a mature adult like many with the powers of observation. I can easily see that whether we are talking about China or the United States or any other country, their societies and their governments have good points and bad points.

The xenophobia needs to stop now. Whether in a couple of weeks or months later, this nasty flu type Corona virus will begin declining and the joy of Spring will arrive. Between now and then if you don't have anything good, anything supportive to say about China or Chinese people, how about you just keep your mouth shut.

Mario Cavolo, Shenyang.

[tastefullynefarious]

Violent Delights

Chapter 2

Warnings: Still none? Oops.

Word count:  2,018

Note: I’m a little stupid and managed to lose this chapter twice... so like, I wrote this three times, I’m jut sick of it :))) may be a little all over the place. Not sure how well I’ve got across what I wanted... the last time typing this was a drag...

I feel the need to point out that real life Ronnie was bi, so there’s that... also married a few times?

The night was spent twisting and turning in her bed. She told herself for a moment it was because of the full moon, shining through the windows, but there was no reason to lie like that. Her mind was truly infested with thoughts of the man at the bar, from his fingers that were wrapped on his glass and the way they would look on her skin, to those plump lips of his. Would they be soft, or as hard as the rest of him looked? And his eyes! Damn those eyes, piercing through her until they reached her very naked soul.

She groaned and rolled on her stomach, shoving her face in the pillow. She wondered what would have happened had she stayed just a little bit longer. Would have he approached her? Or wait for her to reach him, pull her into his lap, his hand not discretely at all going under her rolled up dress, along her outer thigh. Sleep hadn't come easy that night.

She was not stupid, she knew who the man was. Anyone who lived in East End London for a couple of month like her would have heard something, anything, about the Kray twins. Some of her neighbors have even met them. Most of the stories weren't pretty though, but that was quite alright, wasn't it? She didn't fancy pretty, she ran away from it. The only thing she was weary about was the persistent rumor that he may not have been entirely into women. Could have she completely misunderstood that look he had given her? It was quite possible his eyes hadn't been on her, but on a young man who may have been seated just behind her, old lovers sharing an all-consuming glance. She might have been just an unwanted spectator, caught in the burning flame of their passion, only to be left behind, ever yearning to bask into that warmth again. At least once more!

There was no way of separating truth from fiction, though there was one thing most agreed upon: Reggie had a heart of gold while Ronnie had no heart at all. And she had known instantly under which brother's stare she had been under, be it from the glasses he was wearing or the fact she had seen Reggie once before, when Ron had been still in prison.

Prison!

She looked at her reflection in her small vanity, already setting her makeup for the night; heavy on the lashes to make her eyes bigger. What was wrong with her? On that afternoon she came to a revelation, a truth she had already known deep down, but didn't want to acknowledge: she was drawn to danger and it was not alright at all. But she couldn't help it. The thought that life wasn't a set of domino pieces, fated to perfectly fall one onto another with precision was intoxicating, it was like pure adrenaline pumped into her veins, instantly painting her small world in vibrant colors. Life wasn't perfect, it had ups and downs, beauty and filth, both equally important.

But these were criminals -gangsters - not some handsoe bad boys who could only hurt her pride by cheating. She liked to think she was fairly smart, and while not as beautiful as those Hollywood babes everyone was raving about, she was at least pretty. Still, she doubted her ability to talk or flirt her way out of a messy situation if any of the powerful men at the club would consider her a nuisance. She could turn up dead come morning, body left somewhere in a ditch, her killer never to be found. 'Such a shame. If only she hadn't left her home town', he papers would read.

So was the high worth the risk?

She slipped into the red dress with ease, the garment now new, but the perfect combination of classy and hot: hem barely passing her knees, long sleeves, but bare back, her favorite style. The problem with that kind of danger was that it was a bit like falling airplanes... or cancer. It was something very scary and very real, that you didn't quite take seriously until it was happening to you. People still traveled by plane and most did little to prevent the disease without reason. She gave herself one last look into the mirror she was ready for the night. Puling a coat over her shoulders and grabbing her purse, Trudy left her apartment with haste, before she could change her mind the millionth time that day.

The air was colder than the night before, a chill running down her spine despite her coat. Each step brought her closer to the club and with each step the excitement was bubbling more and more inside her. Questions were forming and were already replaced with new ones before she could find an answer to any. Would he even be there two nights in a row? If he was, should she approach him? Was that allowed? Should she try being flirty or try the blushing bride card? Just be herself? First things first, she needed a drink.

Ron had put together all there was about the woman by noon, with the help of Teddy. There wasn't much to her: average family, if only slightly above. Father was a war hero, retiring with a nice amount of money, but nowhere near the toppers in London. Mother was the picture perfect brunch-throwing house wife. An older brother, up to make a name for himself as a doctor. A younger sister still in college.

And then there was her, Trudy Walters, small town girl and middle sibling. Average grades in college, average job, set to marry an average guy. No wonder the poor thing ran away and never looked back, her brain was turning to mush from all the boredom. He flipped another page of the file he'd put together, skipping the information of her current whereabouts, address and workplace, his eyes landing on the picture clipped on the corner. She didn't look much, yet there was just something about her that made his thumb caress the black and white cheek.

"Personally, I don't see what's the fuss about her, Ron." Teddy glanced over his shoulder, his usual chipper voice laced with something else. He had the illogical urge to hide the photo away, despite the younger man being the one to have acquired it in the first place. Those pills they were making him take were surely at fault for his inconsistent behavior.

"I want her." The words slipped his tongue without regard and he cursed himself for revealing something so personal, even if it was just to Teddy. Stupid pills!

"Go get her then."

Ron lifted his eyes towards the bar where Teddy had gestured to, and sure enough there she was, almost as if pulled out of the picture, yet infinity more beautiful. That red dress, somehow proper yet still teasing. He wasted little time thinking his next move as he pounced towards his prey, but once before her, he faltered. He was not as charming as Reggie, nor nearly as handsome. Why would a woman like her accept to talk to the likes of him?

"Hello." Never had the greeting sounded more sinful from any lips, he was sure of it. He had the mind to bend her right there over the bar counter and slam right in her. He had to settle for just sitting in the newly vacated chair, the bloke previously there scurrying away when met with Ron's glare. The woman watched him from between her long lashes, waiting for him to reply. What would Reggie say to a pretty thing like her?

"You look lovely."

"And you look dangerous." Despite the accusation, there was still a smile playing on her red lips. "So what does the notorious Ronald Kray want with little ol' me?" 'Make you scream my name while the entire club watches' was the first thought that came to mind. But the way she said his name gave a momentary pause to the lewd images in his head.

"Ah, so you do know who I am."

"And you know who I am from the looks of it." She tapped a manicured finger on the file he hadn't realized he'd brought along. "Should I be scared, mister Kray?"

"Are you scared, miss Walters?" There was a small pause, the corners of her lips straightening just slightly as she thought it through. Her voice came out low, barely a whisper, the last word turning out into more of a gasp than anything else. It sounded divine.

"A little bit, yeah."

"Good, good. It would have been worrisome if you weren't." He had to look away from her, feeling his restraint weakening. Their mum raised both him and Reggie to be gentlemen, but she was so fucking tempting. Not his usual preference, but she wouldn't have been the first woman he had been attracted to, nor the last. Men were just a little harder to break and he did enjoy a challenge. Her voice brought him back to attention, but he still didn't look at her as he signaled the bartender for his usual drink.

"I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage. You seem to know a whole lot about me, yet all I know is your name."

"What would you like to know?"

"Do you enjoy being a gangster?" There was no need to think about the answer, but he did pause. For someone who knew only his name, she sure asked all the wrong questions.

"Fucking love it." She giggled, and it sounded loudly in hie ears, over the music. She had a nice voice, he decided. It was soft and calm, just like the rest of her looked like. She'd break so easily under him, like porcelain.

"Honest, I like that. You should not have to hide who you truly are for anyone, right?" At that, he sharply turned to look at her again, her words burning deep inside his mind. She jumped slightly in her chair as he caught her staring at his lips, her eyes falling on her lap. He smiled a little, as he continued watching her squirm in her chair under his gaze: the way she crossed her legs, the damn dress caught in the motion revealing a bit more skin, her delicate looking hand brushing her hair behind her ear, her cheek flustered red, so much prettier than in the photo. He might have just pulled her to him, hadn't they been interrupted.

"The meeting is starting in the back. Reg is looking for you." Teddy was besides them before he had a chance to reply anything to the woman. Ron considered being late to the damn thing, but how could he let Reggie face those jackals alone? He was entirely too trusting, his brother. He thought of leaving her there at the bar until the meeting was over, but there was no knowing how long or how well it would go. He found himself once more wondering what his twin would have done.

"Right, Teddy, will you see miss Walters gets home alright?" If he had anything against it, the boy didn't show it. If anything, he looked a little smug.

"Sure, Ron. Come on, darling." She got up without question or complaint and without meeting his eyes. His jaw clenched as she walked past him and he thought she wasn't even going go bid him farewell. But she stopped just within arm's reach and turned, her warm doe like eyes pinning him like daggers.

"Until tomorrow then, mister Kray." And then she left the club with Teddy, but for some reason still popped into Ron's thoughts. He wasn't sure how much of the discussion he followed that night, but made a mental note to talk with Reggie about those pills messing with his mind.

[sauveteen]

like this | s.m

note: so i had this idea, and it isn't really a one shot, just a... concept? if enough people like it/are intrigued i might turn it into a series of slow burn shawn and a soft boy in love. so please lmk if you'd like that! (:

if u like it, just reply & i'll add you to a taglist for chapters wayyy longer than this thingy

“Wha’ d’you mean Aayat likes Noémie?”

“What I just said,” Calum presses, “Aayat. Likes. Noémie. Do I need to spell it out for you? Like in those weddings, all glittery and big on a styrofoam heart? AAYAT WEDS NOÉMIE. SHAWN GETS ROYALLY FUCKED.”

“Shut up,” Shawn seethes, waving his hand around to dismiss his friend, “God, just fucking shut up, Calum.”

“Don't shoot the messenger, dude.”

“M’about to more than shoot you. M’going to…”

“Yeah, think it over,” Calum smirks, bringing his cigarette to his lips, “Your preferred mode of murder is probably tickling. Pussy.”

When Shawn smacks Calum on the head, he simply chuckles, taking a long drag and blowing the smoke back into Shawn's face, who makes a face and leans away, too wasted to do anything else. He feels faint, and not the I'm-drunk-off-my-ass kind, but the numb kind. Like that feeling you get when you know something has gone terribly wrong, and you know there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Nada. Zilch. Probably mourn, though, like Shawn currently is. And then decide to shoot the messenger even further, also like Shawn currently is.

“S’you're telling me..,” Bringing a hand up to his head, he runs a hand through his hair, pushing the unruly curls away from his face. He bites into his bottom lip, really craving another bottle of beer as he says, “That Aayat likes Noémie.”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” Calum mumbles, shaking his head, already regretting being the one who had to bring this up to him. All of his and Shawn’s friends had had a lengthy debate (sans Shawn, of course) about who would be the one to bite the bullet and just tell it to Shawn like it is. Calum, like the dumbass he is, had volunteered. Volunteered. The others weren't willing to do it even when threatened with a stick up their ass. “Yes, Shawn. The girl you're in love with likes your best friend. There, I said it.”

“Uhh..” Shawn scrunches his face, scoffing, “I'm not in love with her?”

“Sure, dude, whatever you say.”

“I am not in love with her. I'm not. I just… think she's cute. But I'm not in love with her.”

“Maybe saying it enough times will help you fool yourself, huh? Heard that's good strategy.”

“Oh my God, Cal,” Shawn’s head drops to his propped up hands as he mumbles into his palms, “Am I in love with her?”

“Would you get her name tattooed on your right ass cheek?”

Shawn lifts his head to give Calum a weird look, like this isn't something they've discussed before. Calum doesn't think Shawn remembers, though, because he was black out drunk when the gang had sat around a patio table and given their two cents about What is Love? Not like any of them had any sort of worthy experience, whatsoever, but it was fun while it lasted. Shawn's contribution had been on the wilder side, proudly claiming, ‘If I fall in love, I'll get her name tattooed on both ass cheeks.’ Calum’s glad he refrained from drinking that night.

“Would you?”

“No?” Shawn sounds unsure, eyebrows furrowed.

“Then you're not in love,” Comes Calum’s simple reply. He taps his cigarette on the lip of the ashtray, watching the gears slowly turn in his friend's head. He knows he should've broken the news at a better time — perhaps a time when Shawn hadn't downed two glasses of vodka and God knows how many bottles of beers, a time when he at least had some of his mental faculties together. Thing is, though, that Calum is shit with emotions. Had he managed to catch Shawn at just the perfect time and made him cry — which he really, really can't put past Shawn — then he would've also done the shittiest job at consoling his friend.

Now, however, Shawn is barely conscious. Some of his words slur together when he talks, cheeks and the tip of his nose rosy and warm. His actions are delayed, soft, like you're looking at him through a vaseline covered screen. The realisation of what Calum’s telling him takes a while to settle in, and even then, he doesn't really grasp the concept in all its shitty, fucked up glory.

“And Aayat wants me to help her win over Noémie?” Shawn echoes what Calum had told him earlier, blinking dazedly to keep his eyes open.

“And Aayat wants you to help her win over Noémie,” Calum nods, confirming his worst suspicions, "She says no one knows Noémie better than you."

“S’fucked up, man,” Shawn mutters, running a hand over his face. He rubs his eyes while softly shaking his head, repeating, “S’fucked up. S’all fucked up.”

“I mean… it could be worse?”

Shawn's eyes fly up to meet Calum’s at a speed he didn't know was possible, squinted in accusation, “How could it be worse? Lit-eral-lly my worst case scenario. Sure, s’also the fear that I'm way out of her league… but this?” His head tilts to the side, helpless gaze focused on nowhere in particular, “Fuck, dude."

"Maybe this is for the best the best. You could try to.. woo her in the process?"

"Woo her with what? My lanky ass body and average personality? M'only defining character trait s'that I can whistle through my ears. And then there's Noémie... fuck. Mie's just.... Mie. I stand zero chance next to her?"

“I don't think you should be comparing yourself to your best friend. Kinda unhealthy.”

“And I don't care you what you think!” Shawn screeches, wagging his finger in Calum’s face, “I really don't. You've got me fucked up real good here, bud-die. Now shut up.”

“But like…”

“Wha’ d’you not get about.. shutting up?” Shawn mutters, “It's literally so easy. You just.. don't talk.”

“Shawn,” Calum exhales heavily through his nose, dropping his cigarette butt to the ground and crushing it under his shoe, “I know this sucks, but chill the fuck out for a second and listen to me. There's no point wailing like a baby if you won't even remember this tomorrow morning.”

“Morning,” Shawn echoes, muttering to himself, “I am mourning.”

“No — morning. Like sunrise, morning. Like AM morning.”

“Yeah, AM,” Shawn muses, “Aayat Mendes.”

“Sometimes I wonder why I bother,” Calum mumbles, and then reminds himself why. He bothers because he loves his friends, and he loves Shawn, and if ever found himself in a situation like this, he'd want his friends to try and console him. The only difference would be the fact that his friends are good at consoling, unlike Calum, who wants to punch anyone who shows any sort of emotion in the throat.

Sometimes he thinks his violent tendencies stem from being around a bunch of meatheads. And then he reminds himself that he's also around Aayat and Shawn just as often, and if their soft asses can't influence him, then nothing can.

“Hey, you,” Calum leans over the table, putting a pause in Shawn's mumbling by softly poking him in the chest, “Now you listen to me.”

Shawn gives him a half hearted hum in reply, pretending to focus his gaze on his friend while his mind wanders. Makes up scenarios. He almost throws up when a picture of Aayat and Noémie holding hands is conjured up in his head. Holding hands — not even kissing, or making out, or sleeping together — just holding hands like two middle schoolers too afraid to do anything else. Or two people in love — that makes Shawn's stomach turn. So yeah, perhaps he is a goner. Perhaps he will die alone with no one no to care for him. Perhaps Calum is shouting in his face right now, and so he really should try to focus.

“....And so what if they're sleeping together, you know? Fucking doesn't equal feelings, believe me—”

The scream that leaves Shawn's lips then has Calum tumbling off his lawn chair, chin hitting the edge of the patio table in the process. His body hits the ground with a loud thud, and groaning, he makes absolutely no effort to get back up.

Shawn's head peeks under the table, eyebrows on the top of his face. Pink, swollen lips parted in surprise. His grip on the table is strong, knuckles turning white in the process as he screeches, “They're also fucking?!”

“I thought you knew that!”

“Does my reaction make you think I knew that!” Shawn all but roars, nudging Calum’s shin with his pointy shoe.

“Everybody fucking knew!”

“Fuck this shit, Calum,” Shawn shakes his head, holding his hand out to help him up, “Fuck everything. And fuck Aayat.”

“Oh, we all know you want to.”

Shawn lets Calum’s hand go and watches his head hit the ground again, a loud shout of protest following soon after, “Dude, fuck you too!”

“Life already has.”

if you're confused please read this!

[crazy-grrrl-on-the-computer]

Ok I didn't understand anything of this Flight Rising business other than that it's about dragons so would you like to talk about your dragon au Kazutake and Wario? Maybe with 5, 39 and 45 and/or something else if you want to get something out :D

Bless your heart, truly! ;;3;;

Flight Rising is a dragon petsite (kind of like what Neopetsis except with dragons) that has a lot of really cool lore and worldbuilding,so it essentially became an outlet for another AU for me. //bricked Most of my lairconsists of Boueibu dragons and their children (because I have no chill), butthere are some OCs as well and they’re all extremely special to me~

I have a lot of posts in my FlightRising tag, which is pretty much all worldbuilding and character notes forthis AU, but if you want the gist of it you can read thefirst post I made about it (with a lot of helpful links introducing theconcept) and thisother post that kinda explains some more about it (with more helpfullinks).

In this AU, Chikuis a type of dragon called a Fae and Wariois a Mirrordragon. They are a mated pair and they’ve successfully had a nest of 4beautiful children whom they love very dearly~ Because that was part of my plangoing into this, Chiku is a female Fae and Wario is a male Mirror. (I chose thebreeds, but I let the genders and elements of the dragons for this AU bedictated by chance based on what was available in the Auction House at the timeand that’s how it turned out.) You can read more about them in their linkedbios if you’re curious. There isn’t much there at the moment, but it gives youa basic idea of their roles in the AU and how their relationship works. ^^

Also, I swear I didn’t forget about this. I was having sometrouble flexing my brain for Wario at one point, but @purplerose128 helped me figure it out.

Pleasesend me more questions about my dragons~

5. List 3 fears; one“surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear.

Chiku has many fears, but one surface level fear is probablybeing around much larger dragons. Faes are very tiny (one of the smallestbreeds) and she’s kind of easy for other dragons to intentionally overlook tobegin with… so it wouldn’t be too hard for a larger breed to accidentally sit/stepon her because they “didn’t see her” or something like that. Also, onthat note, Imperials terrify her because of their sheer size (considering theyare the largest breed, essentially giants compared to every other breed) and ifone sneezes or coughs in her direction she could get launched across theregion. (Also, I’m sure she’s lowkey-highkey scared of one accidentallyinhaling her.)

One of Chiku’s repressed fears, which became a deep darkfear for a while, was realized when she and Wario were planning to make a nesttogether. She had been terrified that she would never be able to find or have afamily that would accept and appreciate her. Her own birth family treated heras something flawed and abnormal, so who would even want her?

At first, she was thrilled and overwhelmed with joy whenWario expressed interest in starting a family with her because it was all sheever wanted. But then it started sinking in more and she began to fear that shemight not live up to Wario’s expectations of her as a mother. What if sheproduced an odd number of eggs and he got upset? What if there was somethingwrong with the children and he blamed her because she wasn’t as perfect as hethought she was? She had never been able to live up to anyone’s positiveexpectations of her before. All she ever did was disappoint and Wario believedin her so much that she was terrifiedof the risk of letting him down. But most of all, she was worried that thiswouldn’t be the happy family she wanted for herself, for her children… forall of them.

Of course, the fear subsided when she laid four eggs andeventually all of them hatched and Wario was happy even though there wasn’t aneven split of Faes and Mirrors, proving that Wario loved them anyway becausethe fact that this was their familymade it perfect. All fears reassured.

Wario, on the other hand, is afraid of curses and cursedobjects… which there just so happens to be plenty of in Sornieth. The clanhoard alone has a surprising amount of ominous trinkets lying around, some ofwhich no one is quite sure of the origin of. The energy emitting from themdoesn’t mix well with his own and he is put off by the knowledge that suchthings exist in a concentrated location. Every time someone drags one of thosestrange objects in from a day of gathering, he eyes them warily from a safedistance because it makes his skin crawl in all kinds of unpleasant ways.

Unfortunately, Wario has a similar background of not fittingin with his birth clan or his own breed. He already didn’t fit in with otherMirrors because of his quirks/habits making him practically impossible to workwith and his birth clan didn’t trust him for similar reasons. So, after acertain point, he just decided he was better off alone. He left them first before they could leave himand told himself it was his own decision, repressing a fear that he will be abandonedby any clan he tries to call his own in the process, even though he couldalready tell they didn’t want anything to do with him. Now that he has found aclan and a family that actually accepts him, this fear could creep up at any timebecause it’s there below the surface waiting to bubble up at the slightestdoubt that formulates in his brain.

But Wario’s deep dark fear that he hasn’t quite fully acknowledgedto himself yet is losing Chiku and being unable to see any beauty or balance inthe world again. Chiku hasn’t been a cure-all for his habits, but she has madethem easier to live with by being a positive influence on him. She calms hismind in a way just by being by his side. But in the back of his mind, he fearsthat maybe it really isn’t possiblefor him to feel this way forever – because how can he fight off the only thinghe’s ever known when it’s still very much a big part of his life? – and one dayhe might let his habits get in the way at the expense of his loved ones.

39. Have they everbeen accused of something they didn’t do?

Considering they are both oddballs of their breeds, it wouldhave been very easy to blame them for anything that went wrong, mostly due tocommunication issues.

In Chiku’s case, dragons of other breeds tend to ignore herand go out of their way to avoid interactions with her at all costs. Faes arehard for other breeds to understand to begin with because of their monotonespeech and all of their expression being conveyed with their crests, but Chiku beingeven more monotone and less expressive than the average Fae makes her almostimpossible to communicate with. Most dragons are unsettled by this and don’thave the time (or patience) to dedicate to figuring her out, so they just…don’t.

Other Faes tend to find her weird and unsettling because shedoesn’t communicate very well, so Chiku usually ends up feeling like she’sscreaming from inside a box and no one can hear her. No matter what she does,she just can’t get through to anyone and she kind of stopped trying after apoint, which just made things easier for others to say “oh, she’s not normal. she can’t even speak right. she must have messed upsomehow.”

As for Wario, he doesn’t get along with anyone. He doesn’tget along with other breeds, especially in mixed clans, because they’re all toodifferent in size, diet, and aesthetic sense (among other things). And thisunsettles him greatly because he can’t understand how creatures that seeminglydon’t mesh well would want to spendtime in the same proximity. But he doesn’t even get along with his own breed, which is very unusual for aMirror, since Mirrors prefer to live and hunt in packs together rather thanbeing alone… except Wario refuses to join a pack where the number is continuouslyshifting, and he doesn’t like constantly being on the move and having to buildtemporary lairs that break down too easily, and it’s impossible for him to bearound strongly aggressive personalities like his own without getting into afight… so he prefers to be alone than deal with the added frustration ofother dragons.

Mirrors that pick up on these quirks/behaviors of his tendto avoid him because they also would prefer not to deal with him on a regularbasis or at all. And other dragons find him unpleasant to be around: some areintimidated by his mere presence while others just outright don’t like hisattitude or think he’s too complicated to try reasoning with. And this makes Warioan excellent scapegoat for anything that goes wrong as well. Something weird orunfortunate happens to the clan hoard or one of the lairs? Just blame the angryguy over there. He probably got irritated and wrecked it to “prove hispoint” or something.

45. What is theemotion they most commonly experience?

For the most part, Chiku is overwhelmed with a forebodingsense of shame and hopelessness born from being “abnormal” and feelinglike she has no impact on the world around her. And Wario, being a naturallyaggressive and off-kilter individual, tends to be stuck in a loop offrustration and anger because seemingly everything agitates him. Once they getto know each other and become mates, they help each other work on these issues,but it’s still hard to beat. At least they make each other happy.

[the-sapphire-general]

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 2)

There was originally going to be just one part about what I think and feel about Sephiroth, but it turns out I have more to say than I thought I did. You can say I'm passionate about Sephiroth. Not a day goes by without at least thinking about him several times. Lol Anyway, if you haven't read my previous post, here's the link because I will describe things I have said in the first part in more detail.

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 1)

As I mentioned before, I can identify with Sephiroth. At first I didn't consider him an idol considering how different we are, but I realized about the similarities we have, even if those similarities can be different. I hate mentioning my former friend, but she used to be someone that took advantage of me, a lot of the time without my knowledge. So I know how Sephiroth must have felt after discovering that everyone lied to him about his origins. Now his situation was extreme compared to mine, but the key thing is we were both betrayed somehow. It's difficult to handle, and we both took it hard, with Sephiroth taking it farther than me. Betrayal, whether big or small or somewhere in between the two, isn't pleasant, especially if those who betray you are people you thought you could trust. I know what that's like, and it's not an easy thing to just brush off as if it were nothing.

To further prove how Sephiroth and I are similar is our personality traits. For starters, we are both quiet. Now it's hard to tell online if someone is shy or outgoing, but believe me, I'm one quiet girl. I'm real timid in real life. I don't think Sephiroth was timid, and I bet he was just sheltered growing up. Be honest. Hojo sucked as a father, and Sephiroth wasn't treated like a human being. So Sephiroth may have been socially awkward, which can appear as timidity or coldness. I'm timid and I can get a bit anxious, but I hide it really well. I'm not a social butterfly, and neither is Sephiroth, but that doesn't mean I'm purposefully ignoring others. It's just I'm not good at socializing. I am socially awkward myself and people have to get to know me to know the real me. Others saw Sephiroth as cold and distant, but they didn't even try to get to know him. Angeal Hewley and Genesis Rhapsodos saw past this and became his friends. Sadly others see me as cold and distant as well, and to be honest it hurts. I bet it bothered Sephiroth as well. Or maybe he didn't care, I don't know. I'll believe that it did bother him. Of course, despite our shortcomings, Sephiroth and I do have friends (well, Sephiroth used to have friends). I may struggle to be social, but I can bond with others. I mean, hello! I have my boyfriend, his friends, my family, my own friends, and my online friends. Sephiroth had a few close friends, but at least it's something. Angeal and Genesis. I swear, if things didn't get so screwed up, they would have been best friends forever. Heck, Zack could have been a great friend to Sephiroth if he was given the opportunity. In a way, they could have helped Sephiroth back in Nibelheim, but the damage is already done.. What I'm trying to say is I understand this real well because I've been there. It just makes me want to give Sephiroth a hug and possibly a kiss to comfort him and let him know that I care. Though he might be annoyed by my affection. Lol

The next similarity we have is we're intelligent. Unfortunately a lot of people don't see me as intelligent, but Sephiroth's intelligence is what has me striving to prove to others that I am all while improving my own intelligence. They just see me as a girl with average intelligence and I was once accused of being an idiot. I wonder if Sephiroth had naysayers always doubting him. Looks can be deceiving. I'm not what others claim that I am, and it's annoying. This brings me to my next point. When Sephiroth was still part of SOLDIER, others might have perceived him as so many things, which includes being cold and distant and such. I've said this already, but this isn't just assuming that someone is cold or timid or whatever personality trait. It's about others assuming things about others that may be false. Sephiroth didn't consider himself to be better than everyone else (prior to Nibelheim of course). Heck, he didn't even show interest in fame to the point that he allowed Genesis to take it, possibly unaware that he was jealous of him. Maybe he tried to do that to ease his jealousy. Though Genesis should have handled his jealousy better. Before you assume anything about a person, either get to know the person or keep it to yourself until you see who they really are. Otherwise, it can be damaging to them. It was to Sephiroth. Something tells me all those soldiers had mixed opinions about Sephiroth, many of them potentially formed out of false assumptions and simple ignorance. Okay I'm getting too deep into this due to my own personal experiences, so I will switch to the next similarity.

Sephiroth and I hate certain people. How else can I explain my former friend that I have mentioned plus other people? Although Sephiroth took it to an extreme and hates everyone, I can still relate. Now it doesn't mean I will be as destructive and cruel as Sephiroth, but I can relate. Everyone at ShinRa treated Sephiroth like an experiment without his knowledge. He was never told about his origins. He never knew his parents. Then again, never finding out that Hojo is his father is a blessing (unless he somehow found out already?). He was deceived and manipulated ever since the day he was born. Correction, he was manipulated BEFORE he was born! He has the right to hate those who mistreated him. However, that doesn't justify any of the horrible things he did. Now my case is nothing compared to Sephiroth's since I was simply deceived by certain people, but my dislike for them is reasonable. Seriously, who would be able to let someone pretend to be your friend only to harm you emotionally and verbally, try to control you, spread lies about you, and basically destroy you? That's what my former friend did, and I hate her. All the bullies I've encountered throughout school? I hate them too. But that doesn't mean I would try to hurt them back because that wouldn't make me any better than them. I was given one opportunity to tell off my former friend online after I cut off contact for years. I told her to get well because she was sick, but she was getting better. She insulted me, not directly, but she did imply it. I was furious. But what did I do? I kept my mouth shut, told her to have a good life, and bid her farewell. Telling her everything that she made me feel and how much I loathe her would have only caused trouble, and the last thing I need is for her to stalk me online or try to pick a fight with me since she's freaking insane. She got angry over tiny things, physically assaulted someone just for being rude, as in getting into a conversation between the skank and someone else. Like what the fuck?! She could have told him to wait until she was finished. She was not psychologically well in my opinion, but I'm not one to confirm it because I'm not a psychologist. I thought she had changed but I was wrong. All my suspicions I had about her have been confirmed. Everything. And I vowed to never speak to her ever again. So Sephiroth and I may have handled our hate differently, but it still counts as something we have in common. Looking back, I see Sephiroth as an extreme version of my hate, anger, and pain, making me picture what I would have been like if I had taken it too far. It's a bit terrifying for me to imagine, and I am glad that I have more good inside me.

Now the next thing is something that still affects me to this day, and it's this. Sephiroth and I have felt like we were different, that we didn't belong anywhere. Having an identity crisis isn't fun, and Sephiroth is proof of that. He's not like everyone else. He's the only one with long silver hair and green cat-like eyes, he's part-alien, he's the strongest of all, and he always felt different because of this. I feel like I'm different because I'm not as outgoing as many people, I get worried about what others think of me, I'm not as confident in myself and my talents, and people don't pay attention to a wallflower like me. So I'm trying to improve myself and find my own place where I belong. Sephiroth found his, albeit in a rather dark way, but I have yet to find myself. But I know I will soon, and I have loved ones who can help me.

With all of this that I've said so far, Sephiroth means a lot to me. He means a lot to me more than I thought, and just by typing this, I'm realizing that he's a character that I love and admire in the exact same level as Sonic the Hedgehog. And as silly as it may sound, I get defensive when others talk smack about my favorite fictional characters like Sephiroth. Why? Because he's someone that I can identify with, regardless of the myriad of contrasting characteristics that we have. Opposites attract!

Now what else I wish to talk about related to Sephiroth...Well, there's his current self. I can hear those that say he's a cruel bastard that will kill you at first glance in milliseconds. My boyfriend and his friends think so. Well, you know what? It's bullshit. If that were true, then why didn't he kill Zack, Tifa, and Cloud immediately? Why didn't he kill Cloud and his team right away during numerous points in the game (other than the fact he needed Cloud to get the Black Materia for him)? Because he's not just a one-track mindless killing machine! This may be an unpopular opinion, but really, Sephiroth doesn't go just "Kill kill kill! Stab stab stab!". You kiss him on the cheek, stab. You compliment him on his looks, stab. You try to join him in his cause, stab. You try to have small talk, STAB! It's boring, predictable, and annoying. Do you really think I would do that on my Sephiroth blog? I would have grown tired of it! I deleted the posts about this, but do you want to know how many characters, users, or whatever I've had Sephiroth kill in roleplays???........One. That's right. One, a character that a friend roleplays as here on Tumblr, in a span of....a year-and-a-half, I think? If I had followed the "logic" of Sephiroth the utterly mindless killing machine and does nothing else, I would have had him impale over 1000 characters, users, anons, etc., maybe 10,000. You get my point.

This sort of thing strips everything about Sephiroth. He's cunning, arrogant, and manipulative, so of course I would have to implement that in his interactions if I want him to harm or kill a character, for example. And in some cases, I portray Sephiroth as just being intimidating, mistrustful, and bitter towards characters. In others, he is intrigued by who he's talking to, and he shows a range of emotions (as long as they fit him). I make him multidimensional. Really, try portraying Sephiroth as just a killing machine and nothing else and see how long it takes for you to get tired of taking out tons of people's muses in split seconds. I'm sorry if this portion became somewhat of a rant but it has been bugging me. Moving on to another Sephiroth subject.

Ahhhh, the theories. I almost forgot about them. Let's see, the lab rat theory is kind of possible, but ShinRa didn't blatantly abuse him. Otherwise, Sephiroth would have had serious psychological issues prior to Nibelheim. If he had endured severe physical and psychological abuse, he wouldn't be calm and collected. Of course he was abused to a degree, but the thing is he didn't know he was abused. He had no idea ShinRa used him as just a tool. That's clever of them. Cruel and despicable, but clever. They had to be discreet or else Sephiroth would have questioned their motives early on or tried to get away from them. Sephiroth was their puppet, which does explain why he referred to Cloud as his puppet. If others manipulated him to screw him over, he will do the same back at them. Sephiroth basically gave them a taste of their own medicine. Unfortunately, he takes it out on the whole planet. Think about it, though. He was deceived and manipulated by others, and this is his way of showing others that he will never allow himself to be controlled by anyone anymore. And this brings me to the next theory.

Jenova possessing Sephiroth is a famous theory and I don't blame people for believing and supporting this. I confess that I used to believe this theory as well, but as I looked back at the events of Crisis Core and Final Fantasy 7, it doesn't make sense. First of all, after being used by an evil company his entire life, why would Sephiroth allow himself to be controlled by an alien that arrived to the Planet millennia ago? Yes, he was at the library at ShinRa Manor for a week reading endlessly about his origins without sleeping, and possibly eating or drinking anything. Obviously that must have left him vulnerable, but I don't believe Sephiroth would have been brainwashed easily. He was controlled by ShinRa, and he wasn't going to allow anyone else to control him again, especially Jenova. Sephiroth was the one who controlled her, not the other way around. If Jenova had gained control, that would undermine Sephiroth's reputation as the main antagonist of FF7. He is the villain, the real villain, not Jenova. Sephiroth burned down Nibelheim. Sephiroth killed many people. Sephiroth killed Aeris (or Aerith) in FF7. Sephiroth summoned Meteor to injure the Planet in order to absorb its life stream to become a god. Sephiroth created the Remnants to achieve his goal to claim the Planet as his own, become an unstoppable god, and bring despair to those who stand in his way. It's all Sephiroth. And besides, Jenova is a parasite. I doubt she would have planned all of this before trying to destroy the planet. I also doubt she's even alive. Sephiroth is the master of his ongoing desire to take back what he believes is his planet, conquer it as a god, and destroy anyone who stands in his way.

Alright then, this post has gone long enough. Now I'm not sure if this is all I have to say about Sephiroth. Well, I assumed that I did’t have much else to say in the previous post, and look! Here's another one. I like doing this sort of thing. It makes me feel good and I just love Sephiroth. I could go on forever if I want, but I’ll end it here. I hope you liked this and if there’s any more things that I haven’t said here, I’ll make sure to do a third part.

[everydaychurch]

Beauty from Ashes (Part 1) by Warren

When I was a very young boy I was raised  in a dysfunctional home devoid of any resemblance of a consistent, safe, nurturing environment. I longed for what I believed to be a normal, secure life. This was all I recall desiring. I needed to feel wanted. I yearned for happiness. In comparison I was envious of the life my friends seemed to be experiencing. I Questioned why feelings of love were absent. Why wouldn't I be convinced that  I was a nuisance, a mistake, a catalyst that caused the battles my parents, myself, and siblings where dealing with? My parents were both over forty when I came into the world. Unplanned of course. I was told over the years my mom never loved my dad and their marriage was one of survival for my mother. She had no idea at the time he was a monster.

To keep a very long story short my life up to this point was a chaotic fight inside a landscape of insanity. I had no choice but to be tough  24/7. Always on guard and seldom without fear; I was ready to fight. 

I witnessed violent, dangerous, and threatening life moments no child, let alone adult should ever see. I was let down by most adults around me.I trusted no one; but I wanted to.

People in my realm of influence were far too concerned with their own traumas, especially my depressed, manipulative father. He died when I was 7.  My biological dad was physically, mentally, and sexually abusive not only towards his children but to other children as well. I never would ever know if there was a good side. He taught me to read at an early age I guess, and ride a bike, but heaven forbid if I did something he didn't like beyond his ever changing standards and emotional states. The challenge being  you would never know what that might be.

 I ended up being the peacemaker in the middle of the violence. I still find myself doing that as an adult. Always trying to appease everyone. You try to appease everyone you end up pleasing know one. Its not you job anyways. It’s something I am still working on.

I grew up in shame. I attended 11 different schools and moved far too often. Many fistfights, suspensions, and one sided counseling sessions with school principles. People were scared of me.  One school even brought in then U-dub Quarterback Sonny Sixkiller to talk with me. He had no clue what to do. I can still remember the look on his face as he walked back to his car. The look of defeat.   I punched a nun once who slapped me and wore it like a badge. I was in 4th grade.

Single parenting was looked down upon in the 1960′s. My hardworking, strong willed, New York native mom worked multiple jobs so I was often left on my own to fend for myself; even as young as 5 years old. It’s no wonder I later lived through my teenage years willingly participating in the old 1970′s adage “Sex,Drugs,and Rock and Roll”.  One week a rebel  and next week Young Life meeting guitar player. I wore my many masks well. I fooled many a parent, pastor, friend, and teacher - but I was a mess.

You see, even though life settled down somewhat when my mom remarried, I remained rough around the edges. I had a good man in my step-father. No telling how bad life would have gone without him in it, but I was still carrying a darkness and sadness inside my soul without support or skills to change my situation. Yet know one knew or wanted to know. It was enigma because on one hand I wanted someone, anyone, to notice but on the other hand making every effort to hide it.

As an above average athlete, with a strong mind, and a budding musical gift  I had no lack for popularity. A good fastball, straight A’s, and an electric guitar are great smokescreens This fueled my ability to cover up the deep rooted pain I carried. 

These young years were where my view of the world was shaped. Experience being the teacher that shaped my view of God. I think it can be said life events often do. Good or bad.

Strangely I think I always believed in God, even as a young 3 year old. I once viewed an old family 8MM movie my father filmed, since long lost, where at that age I stood on a box pretending to deliver a fire and brimstone sermon to the neighborhood kids. This was double interesting since my family certainly never regularly attended church and if they did it was Lutheran. 

So not a huge surprise, even though my beliefs were so messed up in regards to the nature of God I made a formal “Altar Call” commitment to follow Jesus at 13 years old. 

In the years that followed, as far as I was concerned, I failed with that commitment over and over again. It was a yo-yo faith at best. I truly in my heart loved Jesus, yet at one point I screamed at God with my hands stretched to the sky, “ You obviously don’t love me”. For me I was the dirty, ugly kid void of any understanding of security, hope, love, and joy. I certainly had no grasp of the true heart of God. Yet I still sought His approval and acceptance based on who I believed I was, not on how God actually sees me. I didn’t understand how the creator of the universe viewed me until much, much later in life.

I left home at 18 and joined the Air Force. Yo-Yo faith in full action. I had my periods of going to church and living by all appearances a Christian Life. I also had spans of numbing drunkenness and partying.

Marriage to Kathy was the next big life event at 20, then my daughters came into the world. I loved them at the time the best I was capable of. My wife was a trooper as our foundation was rocky from the start due to all the baggage listed above. She had her own issues to deal with as well. By the age of 25 I had 3 daughters, spent 3 years living overseas, bought and lost a home, had a car repo’d, and gone bankrupt. By the time I hit 28 life was better but far from whole. I knew as a family and as a person God was needed to intervene and I recognized I had to make changes, which I did. I recommitted my life to Christ. It was good. For a while anyways.

By 30 I was already studying and preparing for the ministry. I remember fondly the happy day when I knew I was called. Kathy was excited too, but the deep rooted issues in my heart were still hanging around. Our first step of entering church ministry was a huge failure, taking a horrible toil on my wife and daughters. Our marriage never fully recovered after that. We were living with an open wound. It was already on a cracked foundation even before ministry life began. There was always a limp. 

When stress comes into the game of life  whatever foundation your life has been built on will test how well your home will respond. Will it stand? Will it have devastating damage? Will it crumble to the ground?

For me, every time stress arose I entertained the old thoughts; God is punishing me. He hates me. He really didn’t call me. Its all in my head. In times like these its easy to start passing blame on someone or anything. Hear me when I say this; “that attitude only magnifies your problems”. However, Ministry could at times look incredibly successful in the middle of a mess and there were times when it was. But the truth is there was always a mask. There was always a skewed understanding of the nature and character of Jesus. I could preach the truth of Jesus to others, but not understand those same truths for myself. I knew things in my head that my heart could not grasp.

in 2010, after continued ministry struggle, I quit the pastorate. My marriage was hanging on a thread now. My adult children didn’t like or want to be around me. I was barely surviving as a person. Kathy was beyond her boundaries of reasonable relationship with me, I don’t know how she felt about God at this point, but I know she was disappointed. My own confidence in church life was broken.I think she felt the same.

I didn’t think my struggles could grow any larger than they were at this time. I hate to say this but oh how wrong I was. 

After leaving ministry I went back to college. Kathy had a good job. My kids were on their own. I had grandchildren. I certainly loved my family,  but...I was horribly shell shocked. Ministry had become my identity. I had no other developed work skills outside of church, music or military, I had to bring in some money while in school, but my honest attitude was any job outside of ministry was below me. Then it got worse; much, much, worse.

My heart was broke - literally. It was revealed that I had, unbeknownst to me, long term diabetes. Diabetes had destroyed my heart. After 3 heart attacks I was rushed into open heart surgery or die. This mess brought out the absolute worst in me. Anger, fear, accusations toward God. My boiling point had been reached. In my mind these latest events were nothing more than continued failure, more punishment. I was mad at God. My wife Kathy had had enough. On Valentines Day, only a few weeks after surgery she asked me to leave our home. I was homeless or living with relatives for the next 6 months.

I began working on myself. I didn’t walk away from God, even in my anger. It got better. I worked hard. Kathy and I reconciled. We moved east to Detroit where Kathy grew up. Life was getting better again- for a while anyways.

Unfortunately the damage ended up being too deep for her.Two people who I will always believe loved one another could not get past it. I didn’t want to give up, but after 3 more off and on reconciliations she no longer wanted to be married. I was served the divorce papers on my birthday while in the empty apartment I had just removed all my possessions out of into storage. I was soon to be homeless again. A few weeks later I lost my job, then shortly later lost my mother to a brain infection.

The worst time of my life ever.

But something was different. I didn’t go through the mental up and downs with God. My church provided some money for a Motel 6 where I could  stay and eventually I got an apartment. I was still working, as my termination date had not yet approached .I still secretly tried to win Kathy back. I just couldn’t fathom what had happened and my marriage ending in divorce. After realizing nothing was going to change I let go and came home to Seattle.

I also went to counseling during this time and that helped tremendously. I began the journey of dealing with the childhood abuse and divorce. Through counseling during this horrible period of time my perspective on God’s nature in the midst of pain initiated the early stages of change. Wasn’t perfect of course. I had some follies and made some serious mistakes, but God proved faithful and likely had a plan of fixing me long before I did,  He was determined to renew and restore my life. My expectations were far short of His. His ways were certainly not my ways.

After moving back home I was pursued by a couple of ladies and I entertained the thought of dating. Bad move. One of those follies I mentioned earlier. I soon swore off the thought of dating and women. I needed to focus on myself. I was still obviously wounded. I still had difficulty with church and anger to some degree. It didn’t help that I lived across the street from a church I was once was on staff at (it was the only apt complex I could afford) I had to look at that church every single day.

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2