#but i couldnt express myself through my art

[hoohoobeanie]

im sooo plts!spencer rn (stressing over a short film video assignment)

[aroacesigma]

okay massive loredump incoming so im terribly sorry if none of this makes sense lol

to understand valkyrie's dynamic in the most basic way possible, shu is an incredibly talented artist who might seem extremely standoffish and cold while also being very short tempered (especially during the earlier stories) but he is very tender to those who cares about. throughout his entire arc though he learns how to express those feelings better so its really sweet to see ^-^ he really loves antique dolls and admires any type of art form really. and hes a very big croissant enjoyer. currently in the story hes studying in france. and i dont care if its only like a silly gag in the game but you have to take shu having DID out of my cold dead hands. he sometimes speaks through the doll his grandfather gave him, mademoiselle.

and mika is, for a lack of a better word his biggest fan(tm). type of guy that would defend anything shu does on twitter lmao. but before getting into their relationship!! i need to gush about my silly first. mika is an orphan who ends up at yumenosaki because he remembers meeting shu when they were both kids and seeing shu perform once. and was like. "hey. i want to be next to him" and somehow??? got in???? but anyway. hes a very sweet guy but might sometimes come off as a bit of an airhead. doesnt help w the fact that he keeps saying hes dumb while that not being the case at all. he really likes plushies :3 he frequently picks up abandoned plushies and clothes from the trash to fix them up and everything. he also has a bit of a sweet tooth lol. but he prefers cheaper candy or sweets that are a little flawed like a cake thats slightly burnt and whatnot because he says that the nice ones make him sick.

oh wow this is already so long im SORRY but getting into them together, their entire arc is them growing and learning and trying to become the best versions of themselves as partners.

during ! era, the earlier batch of stories, when mika first joins valkyrie his relationship with shu is really not healthy at all. people still call them a proship sometimes because they will just ignore any development they had 💀 this was the time that mika was incredibly devoted to shu and very dependent on him. that his only purpose was to be shu's doll for him to control and lead him because he couldnt be trusted with himself or whatever. this being paired with shu's perfectionism resulted in this dynamic of a puppeteer and his puppet, basically. i will probably get to the war in another ask if you want me to bc. i feel like im rambling on too much nfmfnf <.< but after the events of the war their dynamic starts changing with time, in the later ! stories a few of them shows this switch to emphasizing mika needing to become his own person, and to live as a human instead of mindlessly following what shu says him to do. when we get to the !! era how much they've both grown is way more visible, by now shu has moved to france but visits japan frequently for valkyrie's activities or other things. shu cannot shut up about being partners in art with mika and is really proud of how far he has come. mika on the other hand, he really starts pushing for his own artistic taste more and also!! he calls shu out on his bullshit sometimes its really fun to read.

and if you want more tragic yaoi, id recommend listening to acanthe first and the lyrics then going onto le temps des fleurs, both have insane stories in the game accompanying the songs but i will . stop myself for now. all i will say is that the outfits in le temps des fleurs, half of it is supposed to be the groom while the other is the bride, so yeah theyre married to me now.

ohhhh theyre so silly. honestly love that character development for them <3 so glad gay marriage is real in enstars

[carpthecarp]

IM TWEAKING IM LOSING IT

I love art history so much. I dont want to give that up at all, but also I dont want to stop drawing. I love art so much. Growing up my siblings were so smart and gifted and I wasnt so I picked up and pencil and looked at comic book pages and Zelda art and copied them over and over again until it clicked. And for years I would do this, until I started drawing without reference. I started making my own characters and stories, and my own compositions and I started expressing myself through it and I HATED it because I was still inferior , I still wasnt the best, I still couldnt compare to them. But I also loved it SO so much. I loved the escape, the freedom, the passion, the love. And I still do. And I love its history too, I love seeing little pieces of humanity, pieces of peoples souls. I love how its changed over time, how art has always connected us no matter what. I love being a part of that, I love that pieces of my soul and my love will be left behind eventually. I love it so much, I love the rush of it, I hate the competitiveness of it, I love the love it brings me. Its connected me to so many people, ive learned so much from it, ive grown from it. Art has made me laugh, cry, scream, celebrate, love. And I wanted to give it up, because I felt like I sucked at it, but really I cant. I tried. But I cannot give it up, its such an important part of my life. And now i've set myself up for a future where I dont improve as much as I could, and where I dont do art at the level that i've always dreamed of, all because someone was better than me and suddenly I was 7 years old again trying to get people to choose me over my big sister, who got all the attention. GOODBYE. IM COOKED!

[rrxnjun]

(im really stupid but i hope u like this fanletter 😭)

hello <3 this is for my favourite writer on tumblr; to the the same writer who does not realise how much their works could mean to someone, the lovely @rrxnjun 🎀 !!!

so, i found your blog at the beginning ot this month– november, 2023, and now that the month's about to end, i have nearly finished reading all your nct works.

to me, this month is the most special one of this year. why? because i found your blog, your stories– some pieces of your mind. i found you through one of those nct fanfic recs, 'take the stairs - njm' being the first work i read from you. it was sweet, it made me happy. and then i read the other two parts of the 'simplify romance' series, which will always hold a special place in my heart.

this year has been the worst for me, with no one for me to lean on to, weird identify crisis shit, and losing myself in this tiring process of growing up. but you know what? you saved 2023 for me. when no one's words could speak to me, yours did. you make me feel a little less lonely.

im a silly teenager, who never read sad/mainly angsty stories before i found you because i was scared, i was confident i'd cry. and i did. i gathered the courage to read angst only because you'd written it, and it was so worth it. ive stayed up so many nights this month just to read your works in peace and privacy, hidden from my family, and then spend the days thinking about how you literally create art, and telling my bestfriends about it. you are blessed. you are phenomenal. no amount of thank yous or i love yous could be enough for me to express my gratitude. you've made me feel so at peace with my thoughts sometimes and you've made me feel like i'm not alone. you have magic in your hands. i owe you so much, i wish i could gift you something, but sadly im still a minor and theres a few years until i finish uni and then get a job, and then i promise i'll get you something, because i am so lucky to be able to read your stories for free. you deserve so much more than followers, likes and reblogs. each one of your fics have made me tear up and all of them are too special for me.

this month ive read all of your nct dream '00 line fics, and my favourite was 'happier than ever' which i finished a week ago— AND I SWEAR THAT FIC DESTROYED ME 😭😭😭 it had me bawling my eyes out for two hours on a school night i love it so so fucking much, i literally think about it daily and i told all my friends about it and im so in love with it, please tell me, for my inner peace that renjun and the reader ended up getting together and being fine because im gonna cry over it for the rest of my life IDC IF THEY DIDNT END UP TOGETHER please lie to me and tell me they did 💔💔💔💔💔😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

i want you to know, and to remember this whenever you feel even a little like giving up— you have magic, bar, don't ever let go of that magic.

your stories make me want to heal and to help everyone heal. to be loved and to love everyone. to be cared for and care for everyone. your magic helps me survive my days with a little smile. thank you so much for everything you've done for me, without realising you're helping me live.

every single word i wrote here– i swear on everything i have, i genuinely mean it. you are the best thing that happened this year :) i hope that one day someone will love you as much as i love your blog.

(me when i talk about your work)

P.S. permission to take a screenshot of your blog and paste it to my scrapbook by which i can remember my teenage years that your stories mended, please?

thank you for reading, ily ❤️

- your biggest fan (hopefully no one's more dedicated!!) 💘

when i saw this in my inbox i got so emotional i couldnt reply immidiately because i genuinely wanted to sob. this is so so sweet and it mustve taken a long time to type out and i appreciate you a WHOLE lot, not only for this, but also for supporting me sm over the last month. :,)

take the stairs is a very sweet and fun fic and i am glad you found my blog through this one, haha. the simplify romance series holds my favorite fics and i PROMISE to finish jeno's entry at the beginning of the next year!! it HAS to be done. it means a lot to me that you took the time of your day to read my works and that you enjoyed them so much to let me know.

i am happy to hear that my work could help you through some hard times. as a reader on this platform as well, i do know that feeling very well and i could never imagine being that person to someone, but i am glad my words could be there for you when no one else could. hearing this makes all the effort feel worth it, and it's something i'll think of whenever im having a hard time with my work again. i also hope life is nicer to you in the future, and if you ever need someone, my inbox is always open.

having my fics be called art is something i never imagined could happen. it's beyond what i think about my work, but i am honored to hear this compliment, truly. despite being a writer i cant find the words to express my gratitude towards you and your supportive words right now >:( it does mean the whole entire world to me. please do NOT worry about "paying me back" or something, i do this because it's what i love doing and sharing my work with others makes me happy, so an ask like this is more than enough for me. you made me feel really appreciated and i will remember and treasure your kind words forever.

happier than ever is definitely a heavier read, since it's partly from personal experience, hh. i tend to project on renjun a lot so take this as a warning for my other renjun fics LMAO. TT this fic has a special place in my heart and hearing you talk so highly about it makes me all warm on the inside hhhhh my love langugage is words of affirmation stop this or ill cry. i enjoy leaving my fics open-ended to interpretation of the reader, so whatever you feels fits their story is how the story ends for you. <3

i will definitely use this ask as a reminder to not give up when i feel like doing so. it really brought me a lot of strength :) thank you for calling my writing magic. i never imagined someone describing it that way, but it does feel good to hear haha

knowing that my work helped somebody and made them heal and feel all sorts of emotions inside makes me feel at peace. thank you so much. SO much.

also u really make me want to bawl with that scrapbook comment. cant believe im an important part of someone's teenage years :((

once again, words cant express how much this means to me. thank you and i hope my fics continue to be a source of good things for you :) i will think of this often. ily

[purecantarella]

what was the moment i realized it ?

i've pondered that very question every night before i fell asleep...in some cases it was the reason i couldnt find rest in the evening. it wasn't just a simple moment; a snap of a finger. it was a culmination of every moment i've spent with you. it was every smile you through my way and my way only. it was the hours upon hours we spent talking about everything and nothing at once. it was when i pulled you in for a tight, unwavering embrace. it was every moment i was tempted to place my lips on yours, wondering what it would feel like. the thought alone balming my cheeks with an embarrassed shade of scarlet.

i have felt this deep feeling for almost a year, every moment i spent with you fanning the flame of dedication and devotion that will stay with me forever.

but it was in this moment, the most mundane afternoon...me waiting around in a common area of the campus in the hopes you might want to see me before class that made me realize it. i was minding my business, reading my book in a serene afternoon bliss. until this moment, these were times i soaked in the silence and momentary isolation from the world. i looked over at the blank space beside me and wished i could share this silence with you.

i caught myself imagining you were here, in the safe bubble i've always kept to myself. and it had completely dawned on me, "im fucked."

i've admitted it when i was swimming in alcohol, completely numb, but i've actively denied it for months on end. but now, with a hood of anonymity, i can confidently say it with no filter, no hinderences, nothing holding me back.

you're all i want. you're all i've wanted since the moment i met you.

it's a terrifying and abrupt notion, i know. i'm not the lovesick fool i was when i was younger. i've learned after years and years of heartbreak that not everything should be said. not every action the heart wants to take should be done. that the consequences come at the end of the book. but thinking of you. imagining what the mundane, the stressful, the ugly with you...it's not as daunting as is seemed.

you follow me on this account, you may see this or you may not. but i needed to get this out of my system. i needed to breathe it out somewhere. i needed someone to know. i needed this.

i needed it to be known just how much i crave your attention. just how much i thrive off of it.

my silence is not indicative that i have nothing to say, it only means sometimes i don't know how to express what i'm thinking without scaring you off, love.

you are the muse to my art. you are the reason i'm pushing harder and harder every semester. i want to be worthy of the attention and affection that you could give me.

i want you, my love. i adore you.

- r

[ronkeyroo]

We've never met.

Every once in a while I send you anons to let you know how much I appreciate your posts.

I fell in love with your art and skyrim posts, but I appreciate you talking about your health, too.

I can relate.

I think what I have relates to muscle tension. The pain is almost constant and I can feel myself getting worse. Being like this feels lonely. Nobody really gets it. What's it like being in pain like this. Or the dreadful feeling of feeling your body failing.

Thank you. Really, thank you.

Wish you the best. Hope you like the crabs 🦀

I may not know you anon, and may not be able to pinpoint which of the exact tenderness you've sent my way has been yours - But regardless I feel and appreciate you for it all so dearly much.

I never...Expected to mean so much to people over Tumblr the way I did in the short while I was here. My art, my passions, all of the sillyness and good times we've shared has been and become so incredibly meaningful for me; Getting to share those joys with you all, to connect with new people, to reconnect to the wonderlust of art and community after having that part of me wounded for so long - Its the very reason why every single time I fell under and lost my ability to have all that, I hurt so badly. It feels shameful to admit, like Im some broken, fucked up record...But god how deeply I yearn for all of this to stay, how deeply I wish I never got this sick that I can barely keep such an important part of my life alive for longer.

Not many know how fast my life has changed the past years, especially under the sudden sickness I've been diagnosed with. The struggles and victories alike i've went through as well as the magnitude behind everything I feel; So many things completely derailed everything into chaos, and yet I kept doing my best to shield everyone from the ugly parts of how badly it hurt me until I couldnt any longer. I've struggled with mental health my entire life to the point that living was nothing but survival, I never realized how badly I took my body for granted until the moment it couldnt carry me anymore, until It got so sick that I can barely get out of bed to pursue living itself. I cannot describe the staggering, paralyzing fear this breeds.

Anon, im so so sorry that you too share a similar pain, im aching and cursing that we and many others have to undergo such struggles. I agree with what you say, that this is a whole new different type of helplessness that not many people can understand...I can only encourage people developing a deeper sense of sensitivity around this subject, implore them to remember how important it is to give the right space and care for both body and mind. After everything I've been through, learning how strictly this pain forces us into self compassion, boundaries and self care...I just, I don't want anyone to have to suffer any unnecessary hurt again when going through something like this.

I wish us all every bit of emotional and physical resource, care and inner drive to take care and heal out of this mess. And once again - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for finding strenght and joy in one another, be in in my posts or my art or anything else we've gotten to share together in this corner of our messy, but loveable world.

Im sorry for endiing up with a wall of text Anon, i'm just...It truly, truly all means alot to me, and i wanted to take the heart to express that. Thank you for reaching out, hang on as well, and thank you for the crabs - I love those dancing silly crustations...🦀🦀🦀

[n9ph]

reposting the text i attached to this on my twitter, but! i wanted to draw a special pride piece of these two and me, and talk about how they changed my life, tw below for transphobia, and religious trauma.

(this is all copied directly from the twitter thread i made so, sorry for the weird spacing!)

i found out i was trans when i was 14, unfortunately my own home wasnt accepting by any means, and with that my family had found out i was trans multiple time, the second time completely breaking me to the point where i did everything in my power to not be trans.

which clearly didnt do anything for my mental, shortly after my family had found out the second time, i had gotten into fn again and jonesy absolutely changed my life, he helped me escape the shitty reality i was dealt.

jonesy is a character i will forever cherish, he brought me insane comfort in one of the most painful times in my life, drawing him, playing fn, and seeing others artwork of him, jonesy led me to meet amazing people who i am thankful to know today, one of those people-

being my own roomate who helped me escape my old household. (thanks a ton matt! youre incredible if you read this! :) ) funny enough, during this time, i had started fixating on angels a bunch cause i was drawing guernsey with wings. (insp by turphs art!)

in me doing my tomfoolery, i remember coming across an image of gabriel, and i stared at it for HOURS, and it just jump-started me fixating heavily on angels, looking through tags on tumblr to reblog stuff that fit that "aesthetic"

unfortunately, not a lot of neat stuff comes up when you look up angel on tumblr. its mostly women in lingerie with wings, yeah not what im looking for! and as i kept looking for neat stuff of angels, i couldnt get the image of gabriel out of my mind. (heres me talking about him.)

he continued to sit in my mind for a while, as my interest in him grew, i would tell friends that i really badly wanted to watch tm/c but was scared due to eye horror, and in me expressing my interest in him.

my roommate had found out and was excited to know i had interest in it, and asked about us both watching it together (yet again thanks so much! :) ) and we ended up watching it together and OH MY GOSH i was absolutely amazed, he very quickly took over my heart.

shortly after that my family had found out that i was struggling with my gender identity they absolutely freaked out. it was my breaking point, i was fucking scared but i wasnt going to suffer any longer, if i was going to be in hell then i was going to be in hell comfortably.

during the months of having to deal with transphobia from my family daily, gabriel greatly helped me, i would draw me and him, to help myself feel better, he quite literally is an angel. any moment i was away, i was finding comfort through him.

after getting out of my old home and finally being comfortable being me, i realized that in a strange way, gabriel kind of helped heal so much of my religious trauma in such a short time, obviously not fully healed, but to a point where i am no longer in fear.

now its time for me to wrap this all up, thank you to all of my wonderful friends who stayed with me through it all, (specifically shouting out chicken, matt, and jim/vivus!) and thank you to jonesy and gabriel, who changed and quite literally saved my life. thank you!

[chronic-monachopsis]

this happens to me alllll the time (ppl reacting poorly to ur comic and not Getting It) like whenever i show ppl my art (bc They’re nosy) and they are so Perplexed and Weirded Out by it and it’s like ???? i get that it can be different to expectations or whatever but to dismiss any art (this esp happens to any art that makes ppl feel uncomfortable in Any way and that isn’t just ohh what a pretty picture :3) so wild to me like art is subjective and all but like ?? Look at it Look at what it’s Telling you, use a modicum of critical thinking i Beg.

also i fully believe all artists are freaks like u Have to be a little odd to dedicate so much of yourself to making things no matter what it is. i have also had people Get It in ways even i hasn’t thought of trust made me Think and Feel and dive deeper into my own art which is what it’s allll about !!

all that to say the girls that get it Get It and the girls that dont Dont. and the ones that do will eat it up (pun not intended). so dont let it get u down ! would love to see it when it’s available bc i also love a cannibalism motif <3

hope ur having a good day (and sorry for rambling lol) ! :)

hi anon !! First of all i would like to say. we have EXTREMELY similar typing quirks !?! and i couldnt help but notice ( not sure if it was intentional or not but i also do random capitalisation of words that i feel need extra emphasis, it confuses ppl at times LOL )

second of all, thank you for your thoughts, dont apologise for rambling! this is Ramble Central™ and now im gonna One Up you by rambling MORE than you heheuhuehe

anywho, YES. thank you for getting it! i think a lot of people get used to seeing art as solely decoration – like you said "a pretty picture". it is easy for some to forget that art is Also used as a tool of self expression.

i communicate best when i am creating, and oftentimes i will use themes that are unconventional? ( because i am pretentious )

Blood, Gore, Cannibalism, they are all visceral to look at. people will get weirded out and look away, tell me that im strange or that i should paint something prettier. and that can be very frustrating.

as an artist, i create for myself but i also seek understanding and connection through what i make. its the best line of communication i have, and to be misunderstood or judged through it feels disappointing !! ! i know lots of other ppl feel the same way.

if they didn't, there wouldn't be the Tortured Artist stereotype LMAOOoO

by the way there was no point i was trying to make here, SORRY LOL. i could talk for days about anything.. ! i plan on posting the comic sometime soon, maybe ina week or two when i have it finished ! :^)

[m00nlight-ramblings]

Hi there! just saw your post about the bg3 matchups so i thought id give it a try :3 (hope you dont mind me sending this as an ask, couldnt fit all of this into one comment lol)

i'm a 19 year old gay trans man currently studying art/Media Design. i have split dyed (lavender and black) hair and a mullet with v-bangs, a bunch of piercings too (and more to come)

i own a cat and a horse, those two are basically my children. Im super into fashion and makeup, Part of my local goth community and a big horror fan.

I'm a pretty artsy guy and absolutely love learning and trying new things, despite being very anxious i always need some kind of excitement in my life to be happy, i love to stand out and express myself through the way i dress and do my makeup, i have very strong opinions and will have long debates to defend them if people dont agree with them, i have a strong sense of justice but will only follow rules if i personally think theyre necessary, i'm very passionate about animal training (horses specifically) and have been working with horses for roughly 11 years, i'm usually pretty awkward when first Meeting people but i warm up pretty quickly, after that i'm super energetic and love to joke around (plus im a Master of sarcasm)

I'd pair you with Karlach!

You seem SO passionate about the things you care about, and will not back down from them, which is something that Karlach also does, and loves you for. Both of you together would be a powerhouse in debates - just constant good points being brought up, as well as supporting each other as you both just ruin your opponent in debate lol. Karlach also loves how warm and energetic you are, and loves to joke around with you - you two are constantly laughing so much that usually you go to bed with your stomachs hurting.

Karlach also obviously has such a zest for life, and loves trying new things, so often when you two have free time, you're off on adventures doing things new to both of you - to you two, there is NOTHING better than learning new things together! If you are ever experiencing some anxiety, Karlach will also be there to help you out - whether you need some jokes to laugh, or to be held, she will be there for you, to remind you that you are safe together, and that your anxiety will subside. We all know that even though Karlach is loud and fun, she has an incredibly soft and gentle side, and shows that to you often.

[froggowivdagudvibes]

Vent under cut, tw suicide

For at least a year now i have found it really hard to draw anything besides small doodles if one very specific oc (who actually came about because of the fact i couldnt draw).

I dont have the best mental health, and it goes especially downhill in the winter (like everyone ig), and in the past drawing has been a way for me to escape from everything.

As of about a year ago i have found it both emotionally and physically really hard to even just put a pencil to paper (when i say physically i mean i cant bring myself to move my hand). It now takes a few hours of mental preparation to draw anything, even the smallest things, besides pidge (the oc i mentioned i can draw).

This winter i think has been the hardest, loneliest few months of my life - at points ive felt suicidal, which is nothing new really but its been a lot more common than usual.

My 3 best friends are all incredibke artists and i feel like crying sometimes when we hang out cuz they just create these masterpieces, drawings i would spend weeks on and then never stop showing everyone i meet because im so proud that i actually drew something, and they woukd do all this in a matter of minutes.

And it feels so lonely cuz i cant tell them how i feel cuz it would just sound like im asking for attention and just now i did actually say something and i was shut down 3 times by people just saying "lol same".

No it is not "lol same". It is not lol, and it is not two fucking words, it is the reason i have nearly ended my fucking life and i cant say anything and im alone and all i really want is for someone to ask if im ok because then i can tell them, because if theyve asked then surely its ok to answer.

And i mentioned pidge, who is my only safe place. I draw pidge every chance i get because i can and i can escape into them and im always drawing dark things with them in and i guess my friends have just chalked it up to me acting really "edgy and emo" but what they fail to understand is that when i draw pidge smashing and tearing and breaking things, thats me. And when i draw pidge crying silently in the corner of a room, thats me. And when j draw pidge asking for death. Thats me.

What they fail to realise is thatthis is not an edgy act im putting on. Im tired and alone and i cant draw and everything is too much and the only way i can express myself is through my poetry but poetry isnt art and its different and its not what i need to do, what i need to do is draw, and even if i write my pain into my poems, which i do, no one ever gave a fuck about poetry in the first place and im still alone.

Im a lonely person with silent words and all i can do is sit quietly and weep.

[kenthenugget]

Brightline West will Change the Perception of High Speed Rail in America

(Yes I know this not related to art but I really wanted to talk about this)

Yesterday, it was announced that Brightline, a passenger rail company running higher speed trains in Florida, had received $3 billion of federal funding which will allow them to begin construction on their high speed rail between Las Vegas and Las Angeles area. And this will actually be a true high speed rail line with a top speed of 185mph (300kmh) on a dedicated right of way built in between the median of I-15. As someone who's been following this project and Brightline for 5 years, this news excites me because not only do I have the utmost faith that they'll get this project done within the 2 to 3 years projected, but I truly believe with the completion of this railroad, that public perception of high speed rail and passenger rail in general will change for the good. I know that's a loaded statement but here me out.

In the United States, we dont have any form of high speed rail. We have the Northeast Corridor, Brightline in Florida, and places in Illinois and Michigan where trains run faster than the national capped speed limit of 79mph, but not much in the way of true high speed rail like in France and Japan. In fact, we probably have the most outdated national passenger network in the world. That wasnt always the case, we used to have one of the best passenger trains in the world.....until the end of world war 2 however. With the rise of the automobile, car dependant suburbs, and a highway network, trains were seen as an outdated form of transport with the car being seen as the future. This wasn't exclusive to America though, as many 1st world countries 50s also had this mindset. To most, trains would eventually go the way of the canal.........that is until Japan stepped in showed the world that the train wasnt dead through the creation of the Shinkansen, the world's first modern high speed rail line. Many countries would follow Japan's example, including France, Germany, Italy, and others. But as for America.....its complicated. The high speed ground transportation act was passed in 1965 but not much came from it apart from Budd's Metroliner which couldnt meet expecations, and the UAC Turbo Train still holds the record of the fastest production train in North America at 170.8mph. Outside of that, we didnt really invest much into high speed rail and improving our rail system, outside of a few regions in the country. We continued build highways and sprawling suburbs. Because of this, by the 1990s we were far behind the rest of the developed world in terms of high speed rail. I mean there was the Acela Express, but its more of a high speed service than true high speed rail. And its because of this that the stigma of passenger rail being an outdated form of transport never went a way like it did in other developed countries, and honestly its even worse now since many of the people who were around during the glory days of passenger trains are no longer with us.

But why do we need high speed rail and, hell, better passenger rail? Arent passenger trains slow, dirty, outdated, and a boondogle for democrats to ship immigrants to low income people into the backyard of my mcmansion #notinmybackyard? (okay I promised myself I wouldn't get politcal here but the sad truth is that passenger rail in America is political, with the left being in support of it and the right being against.....its time like these where I do wish we had more than 2 voting options). The reason why need rail in general is due to the fact that options for traveling between cities are limited...outside the northeast. If you want go from Charlotte to Atlanta, Houston to Dallas, or Las Angeles to San Francisco, you either have to drive or fly. For driving, you're limited to one interstate between the cities and you'll mostly be in for a lot of traffic and headaches. For flying, you'll have to get to the airport, go through a painfully slow check in process where they have to make sure you're not terriorst, then you got into the fucking plane where you barely have any room and the window is so tiny, usually dealing with parents who cant shut their kids up unless they have an ipad in their face and Im pretty sure you can tell that I dont particularly like flying. These options can be pretty annoying but they're the best ones you got. Sure you got Amtrak but usually they only run one train between those cities with inconvenient hours and from some of them, Amtrak doesn't even serve them anymore. This is why a third option is needed. High speed rail and upgraded conventional rail can make these corridors competitive for travel, since they're too long to drive to short to fly. And it will be much more environmentally friendly as well which is a urgently needed in order to combat climate change. And one of those cities I mentioned (mainly LA and San Fran) are being connected by High Speed Rail at this moment.......and it wont be done until the 2050s at the latest... Time to talk about California High Speed Rail.

One of the biggest high speed rail projects going on the US right now is the California High Speed Rail, an ambitious project connecting Los Angeles and San Francisco with more connections in the future. You've probably herd of this project and if you have, it probably wasn't good. Despite being voted on in 2008, they havent really gotten anywhere in the past 15 years. Most of the construction is being done on an isolated segment in the San Jose Valley, a flatter and sparsly populated region with mid sizes cities, with little to no work being done in Los Angeles and San Francisco. The San Jose section is set to be done as early as the 2030s and is also over budget. Its this project that I feel has not only ruined the reputation of high speed rail, and added to the poorer perception of passenger rail in general. To most, high speed rail is soon as a boondoggle and a complete waste of tax payer money, and attempts to necromancy a form of transport that hasn't been relevant in the US since 1945. I know not everyone feels this way, but the truth is a lot of Americans are ignorant about passenger rail in general and cant really see the potential for it like most around the world do. And who can blame them! Like I said, the generation that believed in passenger rail, who around during its heyday are long dead, with the eldest generation having grown in sprawling suburbs and with car culture. They never got to experience what life was like before, and so base their world view on what they're used to, and passed on to future generations. Its why any proposals for high speed rail and improvements to rail in general have been shot down because they dont see trains as anything more than old fashioned, because thats what they're used to. That's what they are in most of the country. However, as stated in the title, I believe this can change, and it all starts with Brightline.

Brightline is a private passenger rail operator in Florida running higher speed services between Miami and Orlando. They've been operating since 2018 but it wasn't until September of this year that the Orlando extension opened. This rail line has been making headlines across the country with their sleek modern trains, efficient services, and changing the perception of rail in general. I've been following Brightline for a while and I cant express how blown away I've been. The fact that they got this project off the ground at all is an achievement, and the fact we have trains running at 125mph outside the Northeast is insane! Something like this shouldnt exist in United States. It should've been shot down thanks to NIMBYs and Republican Politicians, but they somehow broke the curse and actually brought a modern fast service that many people enjoy and is actually turning a profit. Its because of this that I have no doubt that Brightline will succeed in this recent project as well. Brightline Florida is good but its not high speed rail. Brightline's Las Vegas project is, and I am 100% confident that this will be the nations first true high speed rail line long before CHSR gets done. And when it does, it will change the perception of high speed rail in America as something that can actually be tangible, and not just a fantasy, and will help jump start and bring more confidence and support to other projects across the US. I think most people will look to Brightline when they think of High Speed Rail, and view the concept in a more positive light that California High Speed Rail will ever do. There has never been brighter future for High Speed Rail in America than there is today and I cant wait to see what's in store for Brightline and other future projects.

Also if you're a republican voter reading this, please dont get offended. Im just stating what I've seen and I know not ever republican thinks to the same

[notinterestedinyourstuff]

THESE ARE JUST ABOUT FEELINGS

1. since i listened to troye sivan strawberries and cigarettes, my feeling goes to taynew. while, thei have their own songs, jason mraz 'lucky' what can i say 'bout this song? the lyrics are all about them.

yep, nulis tentang mereka dulu lah baru real life. seeing them like watching alternate universe in real life. once, i wrote about romance feeling that i felt, which actually i watched them at that time.

watched them, on their real stories, not a series or fanfiction. been so long i lost interest for romantic things. the happiness, sadness, sacrifices, love languages, their ways to keep it personal but me as part of netizen keep digging our curiosity 'bout their life.

back then, before i fell this deep into them, i was like promised to myself to not gonna spend any penny for them. then, this year i spent around 6000 thb to see them again in bangkok.

so, the romance feeling i wanted to share was like...they gonna have series together again. one of the actor congratulated them, he is theearth, nuwi's ex partner in old serie. exact partner in work coz eventho earth was his couple (at that time) tawan wouldn't leave them alone. damnit tay tawan, you possesive bastard. like, earth knew that he couldnt be together with nuwi lah, walau company support them and they have fans tho, but universe like only blessed nuwi for tawan. the love songs i collect in spotify are mostly got from tawan's playlist for nuwi, well fans also have play list for theearth and nuwi which all of them are the broken heart songs.

cuma pengen nulis soal betapa mengirinya diri ini melihat dua insan yg kayaknya lagi kasmaran banget. well berdasarkan lurking di sosial media, diketahui bahwa mereka tampak sudah kasmaran sejak 2013. waktu itu usia mereka masih muda, masih mencari validasi, setidaknya itu POV gw. then reality came through their life, like salah satu masi khawatir tentangg society judgment. while the other one mungkin juga mau ikutan move on, tapi apa daya hatinya udah mentok dgn si satu nya.

2. next is about the chines' drama i watched. so nowadays i back to watch gongjun's series i've been waiting since last year. the legend of anle. not the gayes series, the straight one, but the feeling still the same. how i always feel toward chinese colossal drama, they do really act like a drama. but the feeling they gave to me as damaged as casual series.

just look at wenkexing's eyes..i got the feeling of the scenes caused of those eyes. i ain't an expert of art, but i can give plus one for this kind of drama. the aesthetic they brought to the audience with their culture is beautiful. i dunno how were they back then in real life. but the way they express the emotion, how they doin war with power and revenge, the blood, how they not afraid of the death as long as the sacrifice is worthy.

not forget to mention their costumes and design, i believe every country is beautiful. somehow, so far...i didn't get it from my own culture..i mean in the right way. 5555. it's just how they serve the audience.

well, i might be bias coz i only watched those which played by my faves. other than that, i might only know other actors from some variety shows.

3. recently, i read this book.

well, i wouldn't say this book is the best 5555, but it's something. maybe boring, but i try to keep following coz i got the point on each parts. i can feel her, thank god there's someone who has feeling, thought and somehow maybe personality like me. i mean, there are many type of people, and those who look like with the writer well we're in the same thought. so i'm not the only one. (of course fika, you not that special tho hahahaha). like, when everyone thanked to themselves for staying and struggling, the logic mind of mine said 'emang harus gimana lagi? kan emang kudu bertahan dan dijalani, ga ada jalan pintas, kalo kabur pun masalah lain pasti akan kunjung datang lagi. wong namanya juga hidup. kalo gada masalah ya baru namanya bukan kehidupan lagi. kita punya siapa lagi kalo bukan diri sendiri dan...Tuhan? yang membawa kita ke dunia ini. that's the logic mind loh ya yg bilang. kadang kalo lagi kalut ya emang susah juga mikir kesana.

kek si mba penulis buku itu. obrolan mba nya dgn si psikiater semacam validasi orang lain tentang kondisi mbanya-which is lil'bit similar sm gw. jadi gw cukup tau dan paham aja gimana menurut psikiater itu. sedikit banyak kek konsultasi via buku. iya gw tau ini ga dibenarkan, tapi kek tadi gw bilang cuma biar tau dan dikit paham aja, jadi gw kelamaan menghakimi diri sendiri.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Take that pain away

Fluff

Arthur x Reader

Word count : 1300 ish

Warnings : None ( Except mentions of a mental hospital)

Youˋve been staring at the blank page before you ,for who knows how long. It must have taken you all morning to come up with a silly little poem that clearly wasnˋt good enough. Nothing was good enough to express your love for him. Not even the most marvelous poems of your favourite writers could tell what you felt when you held him in your arms. You brought the pencil to the paper and wrote „When Iˋm holding you, Iˋm holding my whole world. And when the world is getting too mysterious to understand, I know that we still understand each other. Sometimes I think that I understand you better than myself. Itˋs like my mind was living inside your head before it got planted into me. And I let you bloom inside of me. My sunflower, my light.“

Before you put the page into the burgundy colored envelope, you drew two little stick figures holding hands but not without adding a red dot for a clown nose to one of them. You knew that Arthur loved these small details and since he was a child at heart, those two lovebirds would put a smile on his face.

His face! Oh how you yearned for the moment youˋll be holding his face between the palm of your hands again. It has been too long. The last time you felt the fine lines of his crow feetˋs beneath your fingertips, while you kept brushing your thumb over his beautiful yet tired face, wasnˋt how it used to be. Arkham state hospital was not a place to feel homey in. Even though Arthur was sleeping in the same bed for weeks, the sheets never smelled like him. His soft curls didnˋt smell like his Prell shampoo and even the brand of the cigarettes he smoked in there tasted so differently. It felt like glimpses of Arthur were taken from him. Waiting to find their way back home into your arms.

A look at the clock woke you from your daydreams. „God, itˋs time“ you said to yourself „Itˋs…..time!“ A smile crossed your face as you got up from Arthurˋs couch to get your keys. The act of smiling alone felt like part of him was there already. You couldnˋt even remember feeling a smile on your face. Not like that. Not a genuine one.

You couldnt even remember how you got on the bus, time was moving differently now. It had to. Every minute you had to wait until you could pick him up at Arkham was a minute too long. Your fingers kept tremblin while you watched out the window. Gotham city passing you by like all of this was nothing. This big city, the wide sky above, all those strangers and buldings. It was all non existing. The only thing existing was the vision of Arthurs head resting on your shoulder at the bus ride home.

Arthur was talking to one of the doctors when you arrived. All you could see from here was his back. His tiney frame which, no matter how fragile it might looked, always seemed like it was about to start dancing any second. The slightest movement coming from him was an act of art. Naturally like a waterfall. Step, step, step, floating into a world of his own.

He nodded, nervously running  his fingers through his slick back hair. Some dark strains almost reaching his sharp shoulders. You could see his blades stricking  through the fabric of his shirt. Oh! To touch him. To feel his bones against yours, his breath hot against your hungry kisses. To let his body fill your arms and let your heart overflow with love!

„Y/N“ he  whispered as he turned around to see you. A whisper that felt like a scream to him. A scream for love. „My god! Youˋre here. Youˋre finally here…. I was….getting nervous…I know you arenˋt even late but…Youˋre never late. Iˋm still getting nervous. Iˋm sorry Y/N…. Iˋm not makeing any sense do I ?“

Tears streamed down your face as you held him close to your heart „Arthur….“ .A name breathed like a prayer. Ghosting along his hollowed out cheeks. A slight sensation tickled your chin. He didn´t shave for three days. „You are making sense. You always do. You do to me.“

Arthur pressed his forehead against yours, eyes half closed. Seeemingly sleepy but blissed out.

„Letˋs go home“ he mublmed in his drowsy voice. „I canˋt wait to be home with you“. A shy smile appeared  when you grabbed his hand. Both of your hands a shaky mess. But somehow calm and peaceful inside. Like a thunderstorm harmonizing with the peaceful noise of pouring rain.

Arthur didnt let go of your hand once when you were sitting beside him on the smelly bus. He took the window seat but didnˋt even take a look at the city he was born in. Heavy eyelids being kept close as he rested his head upon your shoulder. Nothing could ever compare. The change in his breathing was noticeable on the sensitive skin of your neck. Arthur falling asleep on you like that was a gift, knowing he was always having troubles sleeping. Even sleeping pills wonˋt free him from insomnia. But now with you, he was at ease. For a moment , right there is a noisy city bus, he was allowed to rest savely upon your shoulder. And you knew this was your purpose. To be his rest. His save place. Now and forever.

Your hands unlocked when you entered his apartment. What a cruel act to unlock your sweaty palms. What a relief to watch him walk into the kitchen and drink a glass of water.

You stood there, in the rounded out doorframe, so unapologetically in love with the man in front of you.

His emerald eyes pierced you through and through as he chugged down the water.

„A penny for your thoughts“ you whispered, slowly walking up to him, reaching for his waistband.

 Arthur put the glass beside to hold your face between his gentle hands. Something he does when he was about to kiss you. Is it just you or did his eyebrows look even darker than usual?  

You let your other hand brush over the dark circle beneath his eyes. Was that a tear? He was so beautiful, so pure and raw… so real.

To be inside him now. Oh to switch bodies and know how it feels like to be and breathe in his body. To become him entirely.

Arthur slipped his tongue between your lips as he whimpered sweet nothings in your mouth. You tasted everything he ever felt. You became it.

He still didnˋt answer your question.

A penny for his thoughts.

The world for his thoughts.

Arthur led you to his worn out couch.

Those sheets. His skin. His bones pressing against your ribs. This was home.

The letter you wrote for him was still lying on the table. He will read it tomorrow, after youˋve been making love all night. After you illuminated him from the inside and after he made you the person you always longed to be.

„My love“ you  whispered between the kisses „I missed you so m….“

„Shhhht…“ he breathed heavily while you gently pulled his pants down.

„Just…mmmhh…just…“

You loved him.

You loved him so much as his muffled voice whimpered

„.please take that pain away...“

 

And while you pulled him as close as your physical bodies would allow, you felt his mouth trembling.

„I will, Arthur. I will…"

...

Tag list

@jokerownsmysoul @ajokeformur-ray @jokerislandgirl32 @jewelzcullen @iartsometimes

[kingkatsuki]

heeey i have a question, idk if this is okay but please ignore it if it's not... *also this might be a little long sorry

so i recently read a manga "blue period" which focuses on art, finding their own art, wondering which type of art they fit most, expressing themselves, finding themselves, and a lot more, you should read it if you can! an anime adaptation is also up to date on oct! 💗 gosh sorry i really wanted to share this bc its amazing! uhm my question is... how did you find what you really liked? like for example writing, is writing just your hobby? how did you know it was just a hobby and not something that you wanted to pursue? i really like writing and drawing, i started writing since 6th grade and now i'm in college, you prolly thought im still writing but no.. i stopped in highschool because i didnt know the purpose of it, i always search for the purpose you know, even in math, the numbers you need to use, the variables, i need the purpose to be able to continue without difficulties, and if theres no purpose and just "just that" i find it difficult to move, just like in writing and drawing, i lost all motivation, i lost the emotions i used to have, i lost the feeling of joy when finishing a poem or a short story, and as for drawing, i recently discovered my love for drawing the last three years when i saw an art in an exhibit, i felt so motivated and inspired to draw, at first i traced other people's art, then tried to mimic the art that i traced, but i realized i approached it in a wrong way so i tried to start learning from the beginning, the shades, lights, perspectives, shapes, but in the end all i had was random sketches from a notebook using a pencil, i felt empty, i couldnt do much because we arent that rich to buy supplies, or to invest my time in it because i had a lot of things to do, so i stopped, again, i dont know where to start and how i can start, i dont even know if i actually like writing and drawing, do i rlly like it? am i just swept away because of the pandemic? or am i pressured to have something that i can say i like doing?

sorry for blurbing out, day's rough, you can ignore this, sorry for the time u spent 😩💀

I just looked up that manga and it actually really sounds like something I would enjoy so I'm definitely going to check it out, thank you for the recommendation!

I’m gonna pop this under a read more cause I got ridiculously long for no real reason too😂😭

I think for myself writing has only ever been a hobby for me, and in my mind it'll always just remain a hobby. I started writing when I was younger because the characters I liked in anime had virtually no OC/reader fics for them and I just wanted to have something to read for myself and give myself that comfort when I was a teenager. It helped that when I shared it that other people would comment and say how happy they were that they found the fics and how underappreciated the characters were and even though my writing sucked it just made me feel happy so I kept doing it. Even to this day I feel like no matter how many people tell me that they enjoy my writing and think I'm good at it I'll never really truly believe it, because to me I'm just doing something I enjoy. I don't think I could ever release a book or even write something good enough to be published, and thats totally okay because writing like this has helped me through so many shitty periods in my life that I may not have made it through without this release.

I feel like if you sit down and enjoy writing/drawing when you do it, it means that it is your hobby. No matter how good you are at it, no matter whether people like it or not it doesn't matter if you're gaining enjoyment from it. I think if you're just doing it to please other people or to say you have a hobby it isn't quite the same, and that could be why sometimes you feel almost obligated to do it? Writing/drawing shouldn't be seen as an obligation when you're doing it for free, and no one (including yourself!) should make you feel that way.

It actually sounds like you have talent, Anon! And that you enjoy drawing. Even if you're just tracing I would say thats completely okay and valid as long as you're not claiming the work as your own or trying to pass it off as such.

Even if its something you were just using to get yourself through the pandemic I think that's totally okay too. I've taken huge gaps in writing (I'm talking years) between fandoms, I stopped writing for a good 3/4 years at one stage because I just didn't want to do it. But no matter what it's always been there for me if I've wanted to return to it, and I think that's the main thing. So it sounds like drawing could be the same for you?💕

[bratz-kitten]

Hey girl, i need some advice and i hope you can help me. I don’t know if you’ve been through this but i guess so bc i saw some asks ago where you were talking about this and yeah

How do i deal with someone i love (ex partner) moving on so quickly and being with another girl?

And like, when that happened to you did you compare yourself to that girl? Because that’s also a huge issue of mine, im always comparing myself to her and stalking them like ugh HELP

OKAY FUCKING PREPARE YOURSELF

the first thing you’re gonna do is, hear me out: you’re not gonna get involved with ANYONE. not for a good while, not until you’re ready. trust me when i say that the one who moves on the fastest after the breakup is the one that’ll suffer the most. even though it might not seem like it now, even though he might be experiencing happiness right now, in some months reality’s gonna hit and it’s gonna hit him hard. why? because he didn’t process the breakup. he didnt allow himself the time to get over you and just moved on so he wouldn’t have to deal with the bad feelings. literally a few months after what happened to me, his best friend texted me saying how he tried covering up a huge hole with a quick bandaid and now he was realizing how it had only been a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

the second reason why you’re not gonna get involved with anyone else is because that’s what he’s expecting you to do. he immediately moved on to someone else in part to hurt you — and he WANTS you to move on with someone else so that he can feel the satisfaction of you trying to replace him. it’ll boost his ego and it’ll make it easier for him to warp his perception of you into someone who he doesn’t respect.

if there’s one thing i know is that men always come back, no matter how toxic or healthy what you had was. they come back when they sense you getting over them, they come back when they see how amazing you’re doing, they come back when they realize how much they messed up.

so what you’re gonna do is focus on yourself. im not just talking about a physical glow up, im talking mental. when i went through that i couldnt stop comparing myself to her, i used to have an amazing confidence but i let myself shatter it, constantly feeling like i wasn’t enough, like i wasn’t loveable, like i was replaceable just because he replaced me. you know what helped? working on my individuality. right now im focusing so much on developing my style, wearing things out of my comfort zone, things that make me happy, things that make me feel so sexy and confident. unique things. working on my makeup skills too and how to express myself with makeup. skincare and haircare too, there’s something so healing about taking care of yourself and being gentle and dedicating all the love and care you deserve and start seeing results. go watch hyram on youtube if you want to learn about skincare! it’s so much fun. about the mental part: astrology has helped me so much. you gotta be infatuated with yourself, with learning more about you and your past and your traumas and unhealed shit that you need to acknowledge and work on. also manifestation and saying daily mantras to myself about how pretty and smart and interesting i feel, and listening to music that makes me feel sexy. i find exercise boring bc i need to be constantly stimulated so what i started doing was dancing to just dance videos on youtube and now i cant stop LOL ITS SO FUN, gets my blood pumping makes me feel sexy when im dancing to rihanna songs AHDJDJDJ and makes me feel more energized. and for the love of god: PLEASE get a hobbie. you don’t need to do a lot right now, just ONE. hobbies give you so much self-worth and make you feel so capable and like you’re art creating art - i dont want to be cheesy but it is true that interesting people have interests, this is the time for you to get into something you’ve always wanted to do or that you used to love doing as a child but stopped because life got in the way.

i also want you to allow yourself to feel. don’t repress - whenever you want to cry, cry. whenever you miss him, allow yourself to. whenever you remember all the amazing things he did, or all the terrible things he did, or that YOU did, allow yourself to feel all that. time heals nothing, it’s you who’s gotta put in the work to heal yourself.

also, this is the time to focus on your friendships. join an online community or talk with your current friends, talk with them through what happened, be with people who can make you laugh just as hard as he did. communicate all that you feel to them, about your past, about how much you love them, doesn’t matter.

a thing that i did that helped so much was that i’d imagine him coming back and begging me to get back together with him, and i’d imagine being at a point that i felt so good by myself, that i was so confident and so focused on my shit that i’d tell him no. and eventually i became that girl, who was over him and deserved so much more than some childish kid who thinks i’m replaceable, and that’s exactly when he came back. so, please remember that just because you feel like he replaced you, it doesnt mean he did. you are irreplaceable, unfuckwitable, unlinkable, way too good for ANYONE.

and PLEASE STOP WITH THE STALKING LMFAO THAT’S THE WORST PART OF ALL, IT’S SO HARD TO STOP STALKING AND TO NOT ANALYZE EVERY LITTLE THING THAT HE LIKES AND TWEETS AND EVERYTHING THAT SHE POSTS BUT YOU’RE GONNA STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. you dont need to block them, there’s an option on twitter that lets you silence them so you’ll never see them on your tl, if it’s on other social medias where you can’t silence, unfollow and block. know that it doesn’t matter who’s prettier or smarter or hotter, SHE’S NOT YOUR COMPETITION. know that as much as you’re comparing yourself to her, she’s comparing herself to you ten times worse. sending your pics to her friends asking them if they think you’re pretty and shit. she’s not your enemy and it’s not her fault he’s an asshole. so you’ll just let them completely out of your life. also, out of sight out of mind. avoid seeing him. if you have work together or school together or ride the bus together or whatever, avoid all the places where you know he’ll be. make an effort to never be around the same places as him.

i wish you good luck my love, know that you’re the shit, literally the hottest and smartest bitch alive and that’s something he’ll never be able to take away from you. this is what helped me through the worst times, so take it with a grain of salt pls im not an expert. I LOVE YOU

[kweebtrash]

StreamHearts Timestamp 11:59pm

Title: Fuck It, I Love You

Pairing: Camboy!JohnnyxCamgirlOC (Rem)

Word Count: 3.1k

Genre: Smut/Fluff

Features: established relationship not a perfect sex life, heavy size kink, soft-ish dom johnny, petnames, teasing, fingering, unprotected sex, creampie.

Synopsis:

Though Rem is a smart business woman she hides behind a computer screen all day designing websites for large companies. However, when her day is done she’s still behind a computer screen but now showing the world how hard she can cum. She never wanted to be a camgirl but when financial duties called she took it upon herself to make it. The spotlight (and money) got to her and she expanded to showcasing her nerdy side; livestreams, lewd cosplay photoshoots, let’s plays, subscriptions, review, vlogs, tutorials, you name it. Her streams catches the attention of a fellow cammer, Johnny, who on a whim decided to message her. Both aren’t the sexed up dolls they pretend to be in the online life and instead ease their way into a relationship with not so perfect sex, mistakes, and total confusion.

A/N: This used to be on my Kofi which im closing down and just putting everything up on here. This isnt continuing.

Masterlist     Johnny Only Masterlist

~~

“I just want to tease the fuck out of you.” The words came out as as sultry whisper poured into my ear. His tongue trailed against the cartilage, leaving the skin heated and wet similar to the junction of my thighs. Johnny had been kissing me for god knows how long. I had become so lost in him; his words, his touch, his entire being beside me. I was helpless and unable to escape the intoxication though I never wanted to. His words, however, put me in a place of submissiveness where i feared his teasing.

“P-please don’t…” I whined as I chased his lips from a kiss he denied me. “Don’t tease me. I’ve been good.”

“Have you?” His eyes were heavily lidded, pupils dilated with oxytocin and endorphins. The thrill of my eminent destruction only added to the sparks between us yet I was dreading it entirely. “I saw what you were doing in your last stream. You got a bigger dildo, didn’t you?”

My face rushed with color as i averted my gaze. “W-well...i wanted to practice.”

“Practice for who, baby?” He smirked and pushed a few sweat drenched stray hairs away from my face.

“Y-you, of course.” We hadn’t fucked on camera yet. We had come to the consensus not to until we perfected the art of intimacy between us first. Though there was a small problem, or rather a large problem. The first few times Johnny had tried to penetrate me it was futile. The thickness of his head was no match for how small my hole was. No matter how many fingers he could attempt to fit inside me (barely two) to try and stretch me out or how much lube or cum i exerted helped. And so I took it upon myself to cast aside my six and seven inch dildos to try and accommodate for the moment where we would unite.

“Still too much, huh?” He chuckled lowly. I watched as his fingertips barely brushed against my skin as he made a ticklish trail down my stomach to the thin fabric of my panties. They slipped beneath the cotton and i instinctively spread my thighs. His middle finger pushed between my lower lips and circled my entrance languidly. “Why is my perfect princess so tiny?”

“I’m sorry,” I said with a heavy pang of guilt. I had constantly felt like I had ruined moments in our beds because my body wouldnt except him even if my mind and heart were yearning to have him so deep inside me that i could feel him in my stomach.

Johnny pressed a kiss to my forehead and smiled. “Don’t be. I love how fucking tight you are for me.”

I scrunched up my nose and pushed his face away playfully. “Don’t say such things. You make it sound pervy!”

Another chuckle. “I can’t help it sometimes.” He began to move his finger through me, gathering the wetness that had accumulated and spreading it over the most sensitive areas. “You know it turns me on to see how small you are.”

I pressed my lips together in an attempt to hide a mewl. I was lost on what I had wanted to respond with as my brain frizzled. “U-uh, um...I th-think your size kink is s-showing!” My stomach clenched when he dipped his fingertip in, alarming me. He shushed me gently, cooing at me to relax as he placed kisses and nibbles along the column of my neck.

“I got you, baby girl. You know i do.” I wrapped my arms around his torso and pulled him closer together so i could bury my face in his chest. His free arm snaked around me as well, settling on my shoulders as he gauged my reactions to his minuscule thrusts. I bit down on his collarbone as I rushed to rock my hips and let him know that I was able to take more. He pushed into me deeper, curling his finger quickly in an effort to make the sound of my natural lubrication bounce off the bright pink walls of my room. “Did you get all worked up just from me kissing you?”

He was proud of himself. I could always tell in the tonality of his voice. A certain cockiness that anything he did made me wet. It stemmed from the exchange of us watching each other’s streams. I had spent hours consuming video after video of him jerking off, fucking his own ass, and doing other lewd acts that got him tips in seconds. He, on the other hand, told me that he was more captivated by the faces and sounds I made and would prefer to just watch as he fucked me. It sounded silly to say since I had thousands of viewers and I masturbated on camera but I was still a shy person who preferred to metaphorically hide their head in the sand like an ostrich. Johnny intimidated me as many a times my face would be forced towards his and i was commanded to not dare look away. His deep brown eyes would peer into my soul, eating it up like a meal and leaving me an empty husk of a woman once I orgasmed at his hands. “Shut up.” I said through gritted teeth as he halted his vibrant thrusts.

His finger left me and instead disappeared into his mouth. With a slick pop he removed all of my taste from the digit and sighed as he gave me a once over. “Take these off.” He snapped at the band of my panties that he had stripped me down to during our initial makeout session. I hooked my thumbs into the waistband and wiggled them down before flicking them off my foot. Johnny spread my thighs wide, leaving me completely exposed. I went back to hiding in the crook of his neck, hoping he wouldnt notice if i distracted him with some bites. A harsh tap to my clit told me otherwise. I yelped and laid my own defensive slap against his chest. "Jerk!"

"Dont close your legs then." Johnny said sternly. I pouted, puffing out my cheeks as i rolled away from him, my arms across my chest. His large hand grabbed onto my hip and pulled me onto my back again. He didnt particularly like when i protested or became a bit bratty. A submissive princess was where he liked me to be at all times. Though now I wasnt even able to utter a word because he hooked his leg over mine, keeping my thighs separated while one hand grabbed both my wrists and pinned them above my head. His other hand was back to grabbing my face and forcing me to look at him. He'd be damned to hell if he didnt break that habit of mine. "The fuck did i just say?"

I flexed my fingers as i tried (and failed) to release myself from his grasp. "You said…" i looked into his eyes that had honeyed in the yellow glow of my bedside lamp. That was another weakness if mine, as if Johnny as a whole wasnt enough. His eyes in particular always destroyed me. I couldnt expressing the rest of my sentence, which was supposed to be a snarky retort, because of the intense hold he had over me. I was instead stuck nibbling at his bottom lip and whimpering for him to let me go. "I could touch you." I finally said in between small licks. "Youre hard."

"And? I get off on seeing you get off. I also get off on when youre a good girl for me."

"Liar. You love it when i misbehave. You always start moving the toys faster when i do." That was what he used when he really wanted to punish me; small dildos and vibrators in various settings and speeds, making sure i writhed and arched with every thrust.

"And what toy should i used on my babygirl tonight? What would get you all pink and squirmy for me?" He smirked and sucked my lips between his, lapping at the soft skin.

"I dont want a toy. I want you." I admitted.

Johnny sighed and pulled away from me entirely. "You know we cant. We've tried and we cant. I told you im not going to hurt you."

"I know!" I clutched onto his arm. "I know. But this time will be different. Im gonna do it."

He shook his head. "If i force it too much i could tear you. Rem, i'm seriously not going to try right now."

"Please!" I begged and looked up at him with puppy eyes. "Just one try, ok? Just one? You dont know how many times I've dreamt about you fucking me senseless. I just want you inside me so badly. I cant take it anymore."

He rolled his eyes, annoyed at my persistence. "Fine. Just one try. And i mean one."

I gave him a sweet kiss and pulled him on top of me. He settled between my legs which i laid on the outside of his thighs. He stroked the smooth and sensitive skin on my inner thighs as he trailed his thumbs upwards to spread my lower lips apart. His tongue darted out to moisten his lips as he drunk in the sight at my slightly flexed gape. "Are you sure?" He asked.

I pushed my hand between us and gripped the outline of his cock firmly. "Johnny I don't want you, I need you."

He went to say something again but snapped his jaw shut. Quickly, he discarded his boxer briefs and guided his swollen cock towards my entrance. Seeing him throb was another part of my guilt. He would leak and swell as we romped around and yet could only get off by a blowjob or a handjob. Sometimes he would thrust between my thighs or against my ass but I knew it was just barely enough for him. His cum didn't belong splattered across my skin; it belonged inside me, filling me to the brim and keeping me warm. I closed my eyes and let every bit of tension leave my body. If I could just get the head in, it would be smooth sailing from there.

A small push threatened the barricade of my tightness. The tension returned but only for a moment. I kept it shoved aside and focused on taking in the tip. I could feel centimeter by centimeter, gauging how far he could go, and when I found the glans stuffed inside me both of us shuddered hard. I covered my mouth as soon as I let out a sharp gasp. The feeling of being stretched burned and tingled and yet I took in the discomfort with a sense of gratitude. This was the farthest we had gotten and even if this was all he could get inside it was better than nothing.

Johnny's hands were trembling as he bruised my hips in the pattern of his fingers. "J-jesus...babe." He sucked in a harsh breath and swallowed hard. Beads of sweat had gathered at his brow and it was almost like he was losing control already. "God you feel so damn good. How are you even taking me?"

I held one of his hands and brought it to my lips, kissing the back of it. "You said it yourself. You saw me practicing on camera but you didn't see what I did when I was alone." I parted my lips then and ushered in two of his fingers, sucking slowly. I circled my tongue around the tips and swallowed all the way down to the knuckle all while perfecting by bedroom eyed gaze at him. His hips snapped as his body trembled, making me wince around his fingers. He had managed to squeeze in more of his cock and even produced some minuscule thrusts that had him looking like he was already prepped to go over the edge.

He gripped harder at my hip to the point where it hurt but I knew it was a sign of pleasure and that's all I wanted to give him. I mewled around his fingers and nudged my legs a little higher to rest by his waist. The adjustment built up pressure in the pit of my stomach and made my overstretched walls clench harder. Johnny groaned deeply and begged me to ease my hold on him but I couldn't. Even when I got used to the new addition of girth I was still suctioned around him. My face flushed as I heard his groans turn into growls. The muscles in his strong arms bulged as his shoulders caved in and an unexpected heat tsunamied into me.

My eyes widened at the revelation that he had cum inside me-the first time I had ever felt the sensation. It was strange and yet because it was Johnny it also felt...cozy in a way. A warm perfection that symbolized him succumbing to everything I had wanted to give him. Though one thing was for sure, I was surprised at how quickly it happened. I let his hand go and instead held onto my tummy that I swore was bulging slightly. Johnny ran a hand over his face and pushed his hair back but as soon as our eyes caught each other his face burned beet red even to the tips of his ears. "Do you...um, do you always cum that fast when you're in someone?" I tried to ask as politely as possible.

He pulled out of me and ran straight to the bathroom, slamming the door harshly. I frowned, realizing that the small comment had hurt his pride but I had to be honest that I wanted more from him. I sat up slowly and felt a rush of cum flow out of me, thicker than I expected. Him pulling out so swiftly left me sore and on wobbly knees yet I walked over to the bathroom, trying to keep my thighs pressed together so I wouldn't make an even bigger mess. "Johnny?" I asked as I knocked on the door.

"Go away." I heard him mumble.

"Johnny, why'd you run? Was it because of what I said? I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Go. Away."

I huffed and grabbed a hold of the door. I was prepared to force my way through but it wasn't locked at all. I stumbled as I stepped in and saw Johnny sitting on the toilet cover, head between his knees and arms dangling by his feet. "Johnny." I sunk to my knees in front of him. "Look at me, please."

"No." He replied, muffled.

"Johnny." I repeated, sternly this time. "What's wrong?"

"'M embarrassed." He mumbled.

"Embarrassed? How come?"

"I've never cum that fast before. Ever. I feel like a loser."

I pushed his head up gently and sighed. "Guaranteed I did want it to last longer but this was the first time you were able to thrust inside me. Maybe it was because of all that pent up energy from when you couldn't do it before. Orrrrr," I nudged his arm playfully. "I'm just that damn good."

"I don't need your cockiness now." He pouted cutely.

"It's ok, baby, really. We're still finding each other out. This is the first time anyone has cared about not hurting me. I'd take that over some idiot that would barge in any day. Please don't be embarrassed."

"Easy for you to say."

"You think I want to be this tight? Sure it sounds like a whole fantasy but being tiny sucks. I want to get railed until I can't walk but I cry as soon as something big comes near me."

"You didn't cry this time." He pointed out and I perked up instantly.

"Hey, you're right. I didn't. That's progress!" I smiled and gave him a small kiss in an effort to cheer him up a little. "And you know what this means, right?"

Johnny sat back against the toilet tank and let out an exasperated sigh. "What?"

"We can keep practicing." I rose to my feet and straddled his lap. "I know you like practicing."

Finally a twinge appeared at the corner of his mouth. He couldn't resist the thought of more touching, groping, kissing, and grinding. "Well...I guess you're right."

I peered down at his still mostly hard cock as curiously got the best of me. "You came but you're still hard?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes it takes awhile to go down. Sometimes I can squeeze another one out."

I lifted my hips and slowly sunk down on him, catching him by surprise. He jerked suddenly and held onto me tightly. "Re-Rem!"

"Maybe we can work on me taking all of you this time. And making sure you last longer."

"I-its your fault for fuckin' suffocating me!" He said through grit teeth. "Just like you're doing now!"

I wrapped my arms around his neck and grabbed a handful of his hair. "Don't tell me you cant take it, baby."

He licked his lips and fluttered his eyes shut. "You have no idea what you do to me Rem."

"You're wrong." I wiggled down more on his shaft, now about a quarter of the way down before the tingling started again. "I know exactly how you feel because you drive me crazy too. Especially now."

He buried his face in my neck, splattering kisses here and there. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

I giggled and squeezed him tight. "I love you, Johnny."

A silence fell over the room as that was also a first between us. I was afraid he wouldn't reciprocate the sentiment and felt my heart race. Now I was the embarrassed one yet I felt him smile against my collar bone. "Yeah?"

I nodded. "I-is that okay? To say that? I d-dont want to scare you off."

"I'm not going anywhere. Trust me. I love you too." I pursed my lips together to hide a squeal though I was too giddy to even think straight. I almost didn't notice Johnny standing up, myself now in his arms and our bodies remaining connected. "Can I show you how much I love you?"

"Please."