#but i don't have the brainspace to think about it too deeply

[22degreehalo]

[Okay so this started as a reblogged addition to this previous post of mine but then it got long enough to stand alone sooooo]

Okay actually to narrow this down a bit, there's something incredibly fascinating about the way that despite Ashley being the driving force behind most of the story, it's almost always Andrew who actually commits the physical act of hurting someone.

Because, yes, despite what I said above, that particular aspect of their dynamic is deeply gendered: 'bad women' are usually the ones who manipulate and connive rather than get their hands dirty directly (with the unintended side effect that we tend to not take it seriously when women DO take physical action, because it just doesn't feel as 'real' or 'bad' as when men do it), while physical aggression is limited to men.

But there's so much more to it. There's the way Andrew feels a need to protect Ashley, which takes from the way he was parentified by his mother into having to take care of her as an authority and guardian rather than just another kid in his own right. The fact that Ashley really did need someone to protect her, because... she was kind of badly lacking in social skills and emotional regulation, to the point of exhibiting sadistic tendencies even from a young age. (Or, I suppose I should say, sadistic tendencies that she never grew out of, due to lacking the normal emotional development that sees young kids develop that kind of conscience?) All of which made her, realistically, pretty darn unpopular!!!

But also... that is a manipulation tactic. It's one of the classic signs of a cult: pressure/coerce a member to engage in some kind of morally reprehensible action, and once that's happened, it becomes far far harder for them to get out. Partially because they've now badly severed any other outside support systems; Renee knew what happened with Nina, and even if she had more hope for Andrew than she ever did Ashley even after that, it clearly framed how she saw those two and their relationship after that point. And, y'know, there's the fact that Andrew is seriously worried that they'll be thrown in jail, which means that he can't tell anyone else what happened, or even let them realise 'how bad' Ashley is, or they might start remembering that missing girl Ashley always used to hang out with...

But also partially because it complicates any internal sense of being a victim of another person's abuse. How can you act like you're some sweet little innocent baby, pushed around by the big old scary abuser, when you yourself have blood on your hands? (Part of why I find it a bit... unsettling? How many people in the TCOAAL fandom sincerely spread that his relenting to Ashley's manipulation makes him 'just as bad'.) It creates an internal sense of guilt and 'need' to be punished, or to be controlled by somebody who can make the 'right decisions'. And it furthers a sense that there's 'no going back' - that there's no point in even trying to escape this relationship, because it's gone too far, and the victim has already given up any hope of having or deserving a life outside of it.

And that's related to something I've had bouncing around in my mind for a lonnnnng time, but still even now don't have the brainspace to fully unpack it. People talk a lot about the inherent trauma of being a woman living under the patriarchy, but I think we don't discuss enough the inherent moral damage of being a man under the same circumstances.

Men are raised to see themselves as aggressive; hostile; killers; predators. They're taught that any sex they get from women is at her expense, a deal that can only be made good by their being Successful Enough to 'earn' it. That success, of course, is zero-sum; men must prove themselves over other men competitively to 'win', whether by earning more money, being more dominant, or (in attemptively progressive spaces) by being 'nicer' or 'better feminists' than other men. Men are expected to sacrifice; to war, to defending the women in their life, to working themselves to the bone under capitalism where women are 'supposed' to rely on men, instead. And that 'protecting' inherently implies violence against other men: men are expected by default to be able to throw themselves into the fray and get beat up and beat up somebody else in turn, and if they can't, they're viewed as lesser; pathetic and selfish. Men aren't given any support system to NOT be capable of inflicting violence. No matter how pacifist or anxious or disabled they are, they are in and of themselves viewed as 'acceptable targets' of violence, due to a perceived inherent ability to enact violence themselves.

Of course Andrew is the one to pull the trigger most of the time. Of course he takes it on as rote, as just his expected part in their messed-up relationship. Of course Ashley gladly lets him, even when she's the one who really wants to see the victim hurting. Of course Ashley encourages him into it, making him part of her decisions, binding him to her in blood over and over again, and of course she then throws it in his face as him 'choosing her', because what can he plausibly say to argue against that? And, then, of course his 'decay' involves turning his violence against both Ashley and himself, because he's too far gone to turn back now and become the monster Ashley was trying to turn him into.

AGAIN, I don't mean this as anti-Ashley; I think this is a super insightful display of both gender and abuser dynamics, and as I've said above, there are a whole heck of a lot of reasons why Ashley is the way she is. Also, fucked up and unjustifiably bad female characters are good sometimes!!

Just. Ashley does, canonically, encourage Andrew to engage in acts that his conscience rails against - actions that fill him with guilt and emotional pain - and then uses all of that to tie him to her ever stronger so he'll never leave. It says a lot that she gets so nervous when Andrew stops acting so guilty in the Burial route; because if she can't throw that moral damage back at him, how is she supposed to make sure he doesn't leave? If he's happy and well-adjusted and believes he deserves a decent life, why would he ever willingly stay with her?! (So she thinks.)(Not that she's entirely wrong, but.) She doesn't trust healthy relationship dynamics; she trusts guilt and trauma bonding.

(And it also means something hella big that Andrew seemingly doesn't get quite so many of those guilt-ridden nightmares as he pretends. Is he trying to pretend to himself he hasn't already slipped so far? Does he crave Ashley's loving reassurance just as much as she wants him to need it? It's like... speaking of intricate rituals, holy hell if this isn't fucking one of them: getting messed up in the head over committing cannibalism and murder, but then continuing to pretend that it's messing you up long after you're sorta getting over it, because that's the safest and easiest way to make your sister happy and nice to you.)

[wetbloodworm]

thinking about what beul is like beyond the established 'massive fish monster patron that hates people and loves murder'

like it was designed to be the malevolent entity possessing merri and it fills that role perfectly, i don't HAVE to flesh it out more if i don't want to, but! i do! just a bit at least

starting off with what we've already established, i will note that there is no deep reason for its animosity towards people. there's no tragic backstory there or anything like that. beul just thinks it's better than everyone and finds people deeply annoying. the closest thing it comes to having a 'reason' is that whatever species of monster it is isn't a social one; it's HIGHLY territorial and will kill/eat anything that trespasses or even just gets too close. but that doesn’t make its kind is inherently antisocial and homicidal by any means, that. that's just beul. it's just a dick. sometimes a fish has bad vibes idk

i think it's arguably like... actively more hostile on land/in merri's body. because it feels more threatened. beul isn't used to things being the same size or bigger than it. it feels small, and it's not as strong in this body or as powerful magically since it lost a lot of power while it was dying. so not only does it not like people as a baseline + is territorial/defensive when things get close, that's amped up by it being on high alert feeling like it's in danger anytime it can see anyone. it hasn't felt like others were a legit threat since it was much younger/smaller and it HATES it. merri why are you so puny. this sucks. fuck you.

being on land isn't all bad, though! there are a lot of new things and experiences that beul is curious about, and things it enjoys. things sound and look and smell different even when they ARE at all familiar, sensing these things through a different body outside of the water. sometimes it wants to check these things out while it's in control, sometimes secondhand through merri; whoever isn't in control is still very present, but the senses are a bit dulled, which can be helpful for beul when it doesn't know if it's going to like something. sees some food being sold and demands that merri try it. "what? no, i don't like [x]" 'well i don't know if i do. eat it.' "i am not eating that." 'if you don't, i will' "eugh FINE this is going to suck"

as implied there, beul and merri have different tastes. in merri's body, they perceive things mostly the same way, with some slight sensitivity differences, but what they like is personal. for food, beul mostly likes meat, raw is best but it'll accept cooked after merri explained food poisoning, spices and seasoning is distracting and sometimes a bit Much. some veggies are fine, mostly bleh, same with fruit. more processed or cooked things are hit or miss, largely miss.

beul enjoys nature! forests, rivers, plains, caves, etc. less people, for starters, and it can just appreciate the sights and all that. mushrooms, waterfalls, stars. merri is fine out in the world but he's a city boy at heart, but when he's traveling on the road beul is more settled and content, though it WILL take over if it wants to lounge about in nature somewhere and merri isn't taking the time to do it. merri has started fitting that into his routine to try to keep the peace. he doesn't care about beul likes or what makes it happy, but he cares about what keeps him from getting shoved into the trunk.

it strongly prefers the cold and the dark. deep sea creature, not used to the warmth and the light. it can tolerate heat a little more in merri's body than its original one but it still prefers to be cool or cold. it likes to be colder than merri does so i'm just imagining him in their shared brainspace shouting like PUT ON A FUCKING SWEATER I HATE YOU

beul is never friendly but it can be something approaching civil if it recognizes that violence would be troublesome atm. if the two are allied with someone or otherwise it can't do a murder, beul will be willing to talk to a limited degree. answer questions, discuss plans, etc. it's blunt and often rude, and there is some info/topics it won't discuss, and once it gets too bored or annoyed it might relinquish control back to merri so it doesn't have to socialize anymore.

beul can appreciate merri's skills, particularly his capability as a rogue or anything that beul views as useful. hates him, but he's decently competent. beul is also very interested in the assassin thing; when it killed previously, it either used magic or just ate or drowned the victim. in this body it starts out defaulting to magic because that is what it's familiar with. but merri knows how to kill people in a lot of different ways, and beul likes to learn from him. picks up tips and tricks. merri on a job and feels the roomie watching a bit closer than usual and mid-stab is like "stop taking notes"

beul and merri hate each other but the animosity isn't constant. that would get exhausting for both of them. they both try to keep the peace to a degree, and in most situations (that haven't been covered) beul will ask merri to do something first rather than trying to take over. it'd often LIKE to take over, but merri finds that distressing and him being upset/angry is annoying, so if it can get what it wants via asking or negotiating it'll usually try that first. exceptions include situations where beul knows that merri will say no and it wants the thing bad enough, or if it's something beul needs/wants to do personally, or if the body is in danger and merri doesn't seem to have it handled. beul also will use the threat of taking control to try to get merri to do what it wants, which isn't exactly peace-keeping behavior but merri would rather be threatened/warned than actually lose control

point of clarification: it doesn't ask, it tells

sometimes merri has to explain land-dweller stuff or socialization stuff to beul. certain objects, the concept of pets, the intricacies of social interaction, etc. all kinds of stuff it has no experience. it can dig around in merri's memories for answers and will if it's impatient or he isn't helpful, but merri hates how that feels and gets pissy about it.

[sixofravens-reads]

19, 24, and 25 please 😀

Hi!!

19. Did you use your library?

Yes! Though much less than 2021 (which is kind of a good thing, I went a little nuts with holds in 2021). I still got 10ish books from it though!

24. Did you DNF anything? Why?

Quite a few things! I'm getting better at DNFing things I don't want to be reading:

Masquerade by Laura Lam - didn't like the writing style in the first 2 books of this series, and gave up partway through this book because it didn't improve and I wasn't interested in the plot.

Nightmare Fuel by Nina Nesseth - my library hold ran out because I was trying to juggle it, Nona the Ninth (and post-Nona brainrot lol), and another library book I really wanted to read. I will have to check it out again someday and finish it!

Wizard of the Grove by Tanya Huff - read the first couple chapters and just found it extremely boring

The Atlas Six by Olivie Blake - another one that I just got bored of. The author set up so much cool worldbuilding and so many cool characters, and the premise was interesting...but all she focussed on was the rivals-to-lovers romance between two of the MCs. It was deeply annoying.

The Monster Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson - this book is just punishment after punishment for the MCs, and I understand why (a "you won, but at what cost?" kind of thing) but it was just...brutal and put me in a bad brainspace. Also, Dickinson's writing style didn't really work for me. It just didn't flow as well as I liked and made me feel like I was reading agonizingly slow. I should give this series a try again, though. Maybe when book 4 comes out...

The Hunting Party by Lucy Foley - realized partway through that I wasn't in the mood for a locked-room mystery with rich people and sent it back to the library. I should try one of her other books sometime, though.

The Mermaid and Mrs Hancock by Imogen Hermes Gowar - realized a few chapters in that it's about a fake taxidermy mermaid and not a real one and got disappointed lol (of course I didn't read the blurb beforehand lol, this was a cover-buy). Another one I should try again someday when I'm in the mood for historical fiction.

The End of Everything (Astrophysically Speaking) by Katie Mack - had this out from the library when the war in Ukraine started, and I tried a few pages but really was not in the mood for reading (I don't think I read anything for like, 3 weeks after that because I was too worried about my coworkers in Ukraine and Eastern Europe and the world in general). That said, I bought a copy and it's waiting on my TBR for when I get in a science-y mood again!

25. What reading goals do you have for next year?

Nothing concrete yet, but I'm leaning towards a goal of reading all of the books already on my TBR (not including ones bought in 2023), maybe with the exception of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell, because it's massive. I would like to have this TBR gone so I can stop feeling guilty about ignoring books I spent money on...

[autisticandroids]

When do you think Dean fell in love with Castiel?

i actually have written out a longform answer for this, but the short from is: in love in love for real? season nine. i really see them as almost... still getting to know each other, until then. and also dean is so completely fixated on and wrapped up with sam that he sort of doesn't have the space in his life for a romantic relationship or even the concept of one until... well, until the end of season five, but then once sam is back he and dean try to kind of go back to the way they were and it doesn't really work for a couple years and they fall apart a lot during that time for other reasons, and then in purgatory dean is finally separated from sam in a way that he can justify to himself and isn't also like. wallowing in grief. and like dean really learns that sam doesn't have to be the only or even the primary person in his life, which is deeply freeing for him and also something i think he feels intense guilt about re: purgatory. which makes space in his mind for seeing someone maybe as a partner or potential partner. and i don't even mean romantically, i mean it makes space for him to value a friendship enough for that person to be potentially his life partner, without necessarily a romantic connotation. and i think it's dean having space in his life to really consider cas important and put time and affection into their relationship (think about it: how often do cas and dean actually just like hang out? not much in seasons six, seven, or eight, huh?) that allows him to fall in love with cas.

i also think there were other times where it could have happened, where it was maybe starting to happen, but that got shut down. like, i think that dean was in kind of a similar place re: learning that him and sam don't have to be the only thing in each other's lives and the alternative isn't crushing loneliness in season four/early season five, and dean did really start putting some time and affection into his relationship with cas then. like, see: ftbyam. but then he basically got a message from on high telling him that if he and sam don't go back to the way things were the world will end (with a side of if you keep buddying up with cas you're going to ruin him), which scares him straight and makes him stop prioritizing his relationship with cas in a way that would allow him to fall in love with cas.

and like i think it could have happened in season eight, too, but there's two issues: 1) cas just isn't there. the naomi shit takes cas out of the equation significantly, and 2) benny is soaking up a lot of dean's emotional brainspace. like i think season nine is where dean really starts to maybe actually get to know cas a little better, and it's the first time since like. season five when they've actually really hung out. just like. chilled. even if it's under fairly bad circumstances.

anyway that was longer then planned. you know how it is.

[cuddlecave]

is xiphoid

angsty idea, based on the last captured au digestion ask,,

what if...gord *does* have time to beg for his life. a lot of times we have it so that it's so quick that it's hard to fight and comprehend, but if there's any time, even a little...the potential for angst is huge. even if the digestion is fast, adrenaline is quick as well, and as gord realizes what's happening, he tries desperately to move and immediately starts saying 'im sorry, im sorry! I didn't mean it oh god please don't do this! I don't want to die!' he's repeating himself and crying as he gets squeezed tighter and tighter, extreme warmth soaking through him. after just a bit he doesn't have enough air to do anything but whimper, but the damage is done

benr *knew* this could be scary for gord, when he started, but he didn't expect that strong of a reaction. he can feel gords desperate panic and despair as he feels his own body being broken down, thinking he's going to die.

but benr can't stop, for several reasons. it's safer, for one, if gords in his brainspace, body a part of benr. and two...the digestive process is not one that can be safely stopped once started. if he stops now, the numbness would wear off eventually and gord would be left in a deeply broken and *partially disolved* body. benr might be able to fix it and rebuild, but it's much easier working with all-broken-down elements when building a new body, rather than trying to attach new parts to the original and reshape the original correctly. if he stops, gord would not only be not as safe, he'd be in extreme pain

so benr just has to sit and listen and feel gord begging for his life, and can't offer any reassurance beyond purring, lest he risk the scientists finding out. he feels gords shaking and crying and his certainty of death, and he feels when gord physically can't anymore but is trying anyway, survival instinct pushing him to do anything even if it's hopeless, and he can't even imagine the level of terror gord must be feeling. and he still can't to anything to fix it, and *he's the one causing it*.

benr feels his own heart sinking and is on the verge of crying himself, but carefully takes gords mind and keeps it safe. he's terrified to wake gord up, because even if benr was trying to keep him safe...he's going to hate him. there's no way gords gonna brush off that level of fear and *not* hate benr.

he wakes him up anyway, bc he doesn't know enough about the lab for escape, and gord won't be able to be in his own body again if benr doesnt get them out

he just hopes that gord will understand enough to help him, even if he never wants anything to do with benr again after this

this becomes extra spicy if later, like in another of my asks, gord wants to be digested again. he'd be so much more conflicted about it, and hate how fucked up he feels, bc unlike the idea where it was too fast to be anything but hazy and warm, in this timeline, gord had time to beg and feel terror--so his own mind seemingly betraying him by wanting to experience that again...he's so messed up about it. not to mention if benr ever found out, *he* would be so conflicted about it bc he never wants to cause terror like that in gord again. intense feelings all around

oh man, thinking now about how gord would react after waking up the first time in benb's brainspace. be really caught off-guard by that, and even more when benb just starts spilling out apologies that are almost too jumbled to understand proper with how upset benb apparently is. give gord some serious whiplash. (also i mmmight be projecting a bit but i can't help but picture benb frequently/periodically asking gord if he's sure he's okay, if he's not still afraid, or mad, or hates benb's guts, even after they have their big feelings jam and get all reconciled and stuff)