#but i get so paranoid abt ppl irl finding me out

[femgoddess-hecate]

I'm fighting demons rn and the demons are telling me to start a vlog channel

[pepprs]

tomorrow is day 1 of napowrimo and it’ll be a) the first 30 poems i will write in 2020 and b) the first time i do napowrimo without posting my pieces somewhere. don’t know how to feel

[thewickerking]

everyday i wake up. i find a mutual in law whos blocked me. like whyyy i dont even do anything on this website. some ex muts too like what. i feel like i have very little internet presence outside of talking to specific internet friends on like. discord like what do i do on TUMBLR that makes ppl want to hardblock me. i swear i was blocked less by mutual in laws on my old account where home.stuck was one of my top tags (im an ex hs fan for context i do not support it and actively hate it) like ??? i KNOW im overthinking this its literally tumblr who cares and i laugh abt it a lot but idk it bothers me like im not fixated on it pleeease dont think im that terminally online or anything i think im just mental illness 👍

like idk idk i put a huge amount of energy into how im perceived bc it matters a lot to me that people around me like me ..like irl i will buy food for people i despise bc i want ppl to have positive associations with me soo bad . this isnt like an "ohhh im such a nice person how dare u not like me im so nice" thing bc i absolutely can and will be an asshole and im constantly walking the line between "im overly self confident for fun" and "i genuinely think im better than everyone and will say it" and like a bunch of other stuff i dont have to list all my flaws to make a point (<- almost did but decided againist it)

anyways idk idk!! im so likeable irl which again sounds very egotistical but is literally true like im not afraid of confrontation or anything but im friendly and honest and ppl generally enjoy me being around which is something ive worked sooooo hard to make true and like. idk mutual in laws are people i see around and i like having little friends in my phone ! mils feel like classmates u see around but dont talk to much and the idea of that like. category (is that the right word..) of people not liking me is genuinely upsetting i literally dont have anyone in my entire school who doesnt like me or like. feels more negative abt me than positive or neutral (to my knowledge at least..)

like idk i feel like im going in circles and i genuinely am not super invested in this it isnt consuming my every waking thought or whatever its just frustrating and im a bit paranoid people are talking shit about me and like........ i am fine confronting issues people have with me like if theres a genuine issue pleeeeease talk to me abt it i would rather be confronted with an issue of mine out of nowhere then be blocked but most of the people who have me blocked probably have for things that arent objectively bad but annoy them like spam rbing or whatever (i dont think i spam the dash or mass rb from ppl but idk i might to some ppl) but i dont knowwww and its driving me off the walls <- will literally stop caring abt this in 5 minutes and it just thinking about it really hard rn and making my self feel worse by overthinking but also feeling better by talking it out instead of letting it fester

anyways sorry for the lack of read more im on mobile :( but like yeah im just talking it out ill feel better and more normal when i post this bc i just need to tell people things even if they dont matter just to have them out there and feel real or smn idk. i dont really get why it works but it does so yay ^-^

[yourghastlycloseness]

today i am reminded that i just don’t want to be alive

somehow i find ways to wake up and go to work and do the same fucking shit everyday and i psycho myself into thinking i don’t want to die anymore but that’s a lie — it’s a dull thought that runs through the back of my mind like some computer process i can’t put an close to with an alt + f4 > task mgr > ‘end process’ click and i am tired and stressed and worried and not very reasonable in my expectations of people and pushy and neurotic — and everytime i catch sight of my reflection in the mirror i am convinced that i don’t want to or need to be here at all and even if the latter weren’t true i still don’t want to be here lmao and i’m listening to wayv’s songs on the train but i can’t hear them singing in mandarin chinese much, i mostly just hear that low howl of a train passing through a tunnel, then i hear thousand dollar shoes and bad kind of player and 特别 and next station: paya lebar

i think i want to get out, so i i take steps to do so — get paranoid that the people i’ve asked for support from aren’t supportive or don’t care and then i’m stuck here anyway — what am i afraid of? the physical safety that my current lifestyle more or less affords me? i could, theoretically speaking now because there’s a pandemic that limits any movement around the world, just pack up and go now but i won’t because i don’t have a feasible plan in mind? bt do i care abt feasibility? is this the responsiblw adult thing to do? will i regret it? does that matter? will my family cut ties with me? why can’t i be this thoughtful in my financial planning instead lol

got panicky earlier in the office thinking abt how i wld always be doing the same work and seeing the same ppl and listening to the same complaints and laughing at the same jokes but ofc this sameness is just perceived — when i’m actually laughing, i’m usually having a good time and being amused at smth totally new and here is my one chance to escape well lmao it isn’t a chance so much as an attempt because i haven’t cleared anything yet or been offered anything i’m a joke obviously

pls don’t i am not interested in an optimism/positivity that’s uncomplicated and clean

i just want to go home and watch kpop stars talk about things on a screen because i prefer that to hanging out with friends irl not that friends aren’t great but we’re all so different now that we meet up just to do things and obviously that’s what socializing is all about but i don’t know, dk rly, maybe i want conversation and connection but also when i do get these, i am so drained from the higher quality of interaction and the increased effort going into socializing and i want to go home and die on my bed and pretend i’m having fun with beautiful kpop idols because everything’s more fun on a screen and unidirectional interactions can be great for my tired soul

[theday]

ALL

i did the wrong set of questions ... so we’re getting the ones i reblogged to my main blog lmao

the outdoors

overcast: do you think you’re an overachiever? what do you your friends think? 

oh no not at all i cant be bothered to put in effort although i do love being Great 

clouds: is there anything someone has ever said to instantly make you sad?

“i dont understand” like... this doesnt make me sad really it just makes me feel stupid bc when im trying 2 explain smth and they say this i feel like i failed as a person trying 2 help rip

gray skies: what calms you down?

sleeping helps and just distracting myself with other things

thunderstorm: how do you prefer to resolve tension in your life?

tension between me and someone else?? i just confront/talk to them which usually ends up badly b4 i dont think before i act and i end up saying dumb shit

wind chill: what makes you feel cold inside?

hm. ......... ... .. finding out i mean less to someone than i originally thought if that makes sense???

droplets: to you, is physical closeness more or less important than frequent communication?

tbh.. physical closeness is very important.. i talk to this person through message more than i talk to them irl so whenever we see each other irl its super awkward???? though its not exactly the case so communication is important too i guess??? 

puddle: what is your emotional outlet? why?

venting!!!! bc its easy and i have a lot of thoughts so typing it all out is soothing 

morning fog: do you prefer waking up early or sleeping in? 

uhvhhdslkskkl i love waking up early but sometimes i kinda just . lay in bed and hug my thing that i hug to bed and ??think abt soft shit like cuddling someone idk its bad but NICE so i do end up sleeping in?? except im wide awake idk

mist: 

me seeing all the mx shit

drizzle: what is something you would like to know more about / explore?

personally id like to explore the streets of sg more/?? i always travel by train/bus/car so i never walk outside a lot and i kind of want to/??? with a friend???? just explore and walk arnd and take pics u kno

the indoors

fairy lights: what makes your eyes light up?

seeing my special ppl friends included

coffee shop: where is your favorite place to be?

home

windowpane: what music do you listen to the most?

lately its been kpop ever since i got into day6

teabag: do you prefer tea or coffee? how do you take it?

tea!!! with 2 packets of sugar always

candlelight: what is your favorite scent? why?

THE SMELL OF FRESHLY CLEANED LAUNDRY!!!!!! and lavender 

throw pillows: what is your favorite type of relationship? do you have one like that?

friendship ..?????????????

cozy: have you ever been in love? describe the feeling.

i wont count my universe tm so no

bustle: do you enjoy being busy? why or why not?

depends on what im busy with??? if its sch work/exams then no!!!! but busy doing things that i like??? ya i love it but im always 2 lazy rip

succulents: do you like taking care of things, people, and animals? which one do you enjoy the most/least? why?

ive never taken care of anyone in my entire life before and i was p irresponsible when i had hamsters so ....... .. taking care of things is the best???????? its easy???????? and i always remember to be careful with my laptop, etc.

chatter: what are your favorite things to talk about? with whom? why?

my favourite things to talk about are the things that i like with friends who like that thing as much as i do and bc i can feel the BOND between two fans and shit????? its like????? i can relate??????? i agree???? me too????? idk

your body

baggy sweater: what keeps you warm? 

blankets. ... the sun/.. 

daze: do you meditate? why or why not?

no i cant just sit there and do nothing

damp: do you cry often? what makes you cry?

i really dont lmao do geminis cry a lot or smth (falen and jen)

bc i cry so rarely its gotta be actual emotional shit??? stuff that i can relate to?? for e.g not having a friend write a proper birthday message (this is too specific but its more like.... having a friend who doesnt actually care that much) or idk its mostly always bc of friendships bc im weak

umbrella: what makes you feel safe?

i used to be rly paranoid and would make sure the doors are locked and shit but now i dont care as much? some guy could break in and id probably thank him

gleam: what makes you feel the best about yourself?

bell and boxy laughing at the nonsense i say

yawn: who takes care of you when you’re sick? who do you take care of when they’re sick? 

my mother when i was younger??? but she’d always get so mad about it so i dont tell her anymore i just take care of myself by resting and shit

i dont take care of anyone 

hum: besides music, what is your favorite sound?

silence..??? unless im home alone then no thanks lads

oh shit boys the sounds you hear when ur underwater are actually nice??? i love it

brush: do you enjoy having your hair played with? what about massages?

no to both but ill gladly play with other peoples hair

fuzzy socks: do you prefer warm or cold weather? why?

cold bc its always hot here

gloves: do you like working with your hands? why/how?

mmmmm yes?? personally im a very “itchy” person so ill always have to be fiddling with smth??? idk why tbh and my skirt and shirt??? have this thing??? idk how to describe it but i kind of like fold it?? and rub the pointy part against the inner part of where the nail ends??? god this is the worst and weirdest description ive ever had to write im signing off

thank you so much for asking this once again falen i love u :-o

[vampirefucker2]

all the queastions btw i love you

I WUV U!!!!!!!!

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?uhhhhhhh my irl friend i think2. Are you outgoing or shy?UH!!?????!!!?!?!?!?! both3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?my wonderful boyfriend sorey!!!!!4. Are you easy to get along with?uhh my friendz said ya soo5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?i wouldnt b drunk but ????? idk???6. What kind of people are you attracted to?sorey7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?ya!8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?no one9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?uhhuhhuhuh idk10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?uh sorey probably11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“im gonna take a quick nap wake me when the dryers done”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?not in any order butlo-fi children by wild partypay no mind by madeonno culture by mother motherback to front by early hourseverybody come outside by the pomegranates

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?ya!14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?uhh sometimes??????15. What good thing happened this summer?i got a wonderful beautiful boyfriend who i love very much!!!16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?theres no one to kiss!17. Do you think there is life on other planets?ofc!!!!!!!!!!!!!18. Do you still talk to your first crush?sdfds no i only crushed on him cause other ppl in my class were getting crushes and i wanted to be a Cool Kid19. Do you like bubble baths?ya!20. Do you like your neighbors?uhh never met them but i like their dogs21. What are you bad habits?i pull on my hair and pick at my nails a lot22. Where would you like to travel?netherlands23. Do you have trust issues?ooo ya24. Favorite part of your daily routine?this sounds gay but msgsing sorey25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?uhhh m chest26. What do you do when you wake up?msg my palz n pm sorey27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?idk its fine as it is i think28. Who are you most comfortable around?sorey29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?i think bt it ws complicated30. Do you ever want to get married?well me n sorey r p much already there31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?nope!32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?hhh idk i dnt kno much abt any celebs33. Spell your name with your chin.l,ersttg34. Do you play sports? What sports?i h8 sports!!!!!35. Would you rather live without TV or music?tv36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?ya37. What do you say during awkward silences?\nothing i leave it38. Describe your dream girl/guy?sorey!39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?thrift shop also like any decor store i luv homesense40. What do you want to do after high school?uhh well im there now and im jst working on portfolio41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?nope42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?i jst dont have uch to say bt i also might b depressed u never kno im a suprise!43. Do you smile at strangers?i try to bt only if we accidentally make eye contact44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?SPACE the deep sea is scary45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?sorey46. What are you paranoid about?everything!47. Have you ever been high?no!48. Have you ever been drunk?no!49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?uhhh i dont think so???50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?grey n black i think51. Ever wished you were someone else?uhhh i dnt understand th question 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?2 many things to name one53. Favourite makeup brand?uhsduhfui idk54. Favourite store?homesense55. Favourite blog?ilovemikleo1 hes a cool guy56. Favourite colour?pink! but i also rlly like blue and purple!n red an aaa i cnt pick57. Favourite food? sweets58. Last thing you ate?all dressed chips59. First thing you ate this morning?cherry gummies60. Ever won a competition? For what?i once one a ssb competition @ a friends bday party and normally i suck at smash but the prize was two (2) cosmic brownies and i Wanted them61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?nope!62. Been arrested? For what?i hav not63. Ever been in love? eheh yes64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?didnt happen!65. Are you hungry right now?not rlly66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyahhhhhhhhhh67. Facebook or Twitter?i dnt use either bt twitter68. Twitter or Tumblr?twitter tumblr is the devil69. Are you watching tv right now?nope!70. Names of your bestfriends? sorey bt also uhhhhhhhhhhhhhall my friends!!!!!71. Craving something? What?i jst want more chips72. What colour are your towels?they vary cause i have many bt rn yellow72. How many pillows do you sleep with?1.573. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?ya!74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?100000075. Favourite animal?crows n also ravens dont ask me 2 choose76. What colour is your underwear?skipping ths77. Chocolate or Vanilla?vanilla78. Favourite ice cream flavour?strawberry!79. What colour shirt are you wearing?mahogany80. What colour pants?black81. Favourite tv show?uh!!?!?!?!?!?!?!82. Favourite movie?the secret of kells83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?never seen mean girls 284. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?never seen 21 jump street85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?dont have one86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?dont have one87. First person you talked to today?sorey!88. Last person you talked to today?m in a call bt sorey ws th last person to say smthn89. Name a person you hate?uhhhh i do h8 someone but i cnt say who they r90. Name a person you love?SOREY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE MY BF SO MUCH!!!! and m friends91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?see #8992. In a fight with someone?not atm93. How many sweatpants do you have?like 294. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?2 many95. Last movie you watched?i dont rememberr96. Favourite actress?dont have one97. Favourite actor?dont have one98. Do you tan a lot?no i just burn99. Have any pets?i have a dog!100. How are you feeling?uh?101. Do you type fast?kinda102. Do you regret anything from your past?living103. Can you spell well?no but i thought this said \can you cast a spell well’ and i got excited104. Do you miss anyone from your past?ya .105. Ever been to a bonfire party?nope!106. Ever broken someone’s heart?mayb107. Have you ever been on a horse?ya108. What should you be doing?art109. Is something irritating you right now?not rlly110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?ya111. Do you have trust issues?ya112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?sheep!113. What was your childhood nickname?didnt have one114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?ya!115. Do you play the Wii?yup!116. Are you listening to music right now?nope!117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?ya!!!118. Do you like Chinese food?depends what it is119. Favourite book?haunting violet by alyxandra harvey120. Are you afraid of the dark?sometimes121. Are you mean?i think i am bt ppl say no so uh122. Is cheating ever okay???!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?idk123. Can you keep white shoes clean?sometimes124. Do you believe in love at first sight?mayb125. Do you believe in true love?ya!126. Are you currently bored?a lil bt not rlly127. What makes you happy?sorey!!!! and my friends!!!!!! and vampires……128. Would you change your name?im tryin 2 do it129. What your zodiac sign?cencer130. Do you like subway?its ok131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?ths wouldnt happen bt if it did id ignore it132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?sorey133. Favourite lyrics right now?“im like a bull in a chinda shop knocking off an knock off” frm no culture by mother mother134. Can you count to one million?no i dnt have the patience for that135. Dumbest lie you ever told?uhh idk136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?closedd137. How tall are you?5′5″138. Curly or Straight hair?curly139. Brunette or Blonde?i hav brownish hair bt i like both140. Summer or Winter?summer141. Night or Day?night142. Favourite month?julyy143. Are you a vegetarian?nope!144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?all!145. Tea or Coffee?coffe146. Was today a good day?idk it ws jst ok147. Mars or Snickers?mars148. What’s your favourite quote?uhfdsfuishfui idk149. Do you believe in ghosts?ofc!150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “he was dressed impeccably and properly, no matter the hour”

[tsumikoz]

*thinking emoji*

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG