#but i think el takes it as him respecting her decision to finally call it quits via her from el letter and that maybe he's matured since s3

[digestionsack]

El’s Playlist Part Three: The Very Interesting Ones (They don’t really tell us anything we don’t know, but they were still very informative)

1: “Papa Don’t Preach” by Madonna

So it’s pretty easy to tell that this is about Brenner. Unfortunately, as I was going through this playlist, I often had trouble distinguishing between the Mike songs and the Brenner songs (DUFFERS STOP PARALLELING MIKE TO BRENNER CHALLENGE: IMPOSSIBLE), but this song is clearly about Brenner (the use of the word “Papa”). I think this can reflect El’s sentiments towards Brenner that she vocalizes in S4, and they have been present long before that.

“Papa I know you're going to be upset/'Cause I was always your little girl/But you should know by now/I'm not a baby”

“I may be young at heart/But I know what I'm saying”

These two lines (“young at heart”) I really like, because this becomes a reflection of El’s character that’s repeated in this playlist. When she is sure about something that she wants, she will stand firm. When she put down Brenner’s hand in S4 and walked away, she did not look back. This is El’s message to Brenner that she will chose what’s best for her, regardless of what he says. He has shaped her worldview, but she is finally figuring out what she needs.

Brenner didn’t respect El’s decision to leave him and his manipulation. Until the end, he was still trying to get her back on his side, so she left him because he wasn’t giving her the respect she was asking for.

Adding onto that…I know ST is a drama and so we probably won’t get this, but Mike has the opportunity to break his parallels to Brenner by accepting El’s breakup and respecting her decision. Besides the fact that this would be a super healthy portrayal of a breakup, Mike taking a step back and trusting El to do what’s right for her and them would be subverting what Brenner did, and El would not cut Mike out of her life like she did with Brenner. I’m not totally happy about all the Mike/Brenner parallels since Mike is a 15 y/o confused kid (I’m not excusing Mike’s actions, he still needs to apologize, but Brenner was knowingly manipulating El and I think “abuser” is a very extreme term to slap on a literal kid when we have other abusers who know they’re being abusive, perpetuate the cycle of abuse, and who’s actions need to be discussed such as Billy, Lonnie, and Brenner). But I think there is still a chance for Mike to subvert Brenner’s actions in a healthy way. I (and probably many other people) would love to see that!

2: “Buzzcut Season” by Lorde

Ugh, I love this song! Lorde’s lyrics are just so poetic, and they are great for analysis.

So after mulling over this song a bit, I came to the conclusion that it’s about El and Max, especially during S3. Let’s go into the lyrical analysis through that lens:

“I remember when your head caught flame/It kissed your scalp and caressed your brain”

A reference to the color of Max’s hair.

“Explosions on TV/And all the girls with heads inside a dream/So now we live beside the pool/Where everything is good”

“The men up on the news/They try to tell us all that we will lose/But it's so easy in this blue/Where everything is good”

These two verses represent Max helping El through her own growth and them spending time together. “The men up on the news” reflects Max’s “there’s more to life than stupid boys,” which helps El in her journey to realizing that the men in her life often do things that aren’t in her best interest, and she should “make her own rules.”

“And I'll never go home again/(Place the call, feel it start)/Favourite friend/(And nothing's wrong, when nothing's true)/I live in a hologram with you/We're all the things that we do for fun/(And I'll breathe, and it goes)/Play along/(Make-believe it's hyper real)/But I live in a hologram with you”

This…is juicy. It could have multiple meanings.

First of all, it could be referencing Max and El in the mall in S3. “Never go home again” and “favorite friend” are vague, but they support this interpretation pretty well. As for the whole “nothing’s real, it’s a hologram” thing…that’s interesting. It could very well be a nod to the themes of materialism in S3, or foreshadowing of some sort (like the fun El and Max have is the calm before the storm of the Mind Flayer). These lines in general also fit with the “fairytale” motif in El’s playlist that you see in several songs—nothing is as it seems.

The other way these lines could go is if they referenced El bringing Max back to life at the end of S4. This is my favorite interpretation, so I want to break this down by the lyrics:

“And I'll never go home again”

After *The Monologue* and El loses Vecna, we hear Mike calling for El to wake up. However, when we get into El’s mind-space, we hear nothing. Silence. She is blocking out all external noise, only focused on Max dying in front of her.

“(Place the call, feel it start)/Favourite friend”

“Placing the call” I think could reference El calling upon her happiest memories with Max, which starts up Max’s heart again (“feel it start”). El’s friendship with and love for Max is what saves Max (“favourite friend”).

“(And nothing's wrong, when nothing's true)/I live in a hologram with you”

I think the “nothing’s wrong” line is El remembering simpler times, the fun memories in S3. Not saying that those memories weren’t true, but I think this line could be juxtaposing the present situation with simpler times in El’s memories. And it’s easy enough to tell that “hologram with you” is probably referencing El going into Max’s mind, sharing the mind-space. They are separated from the real world for all intents and purposes.

“We're all the things that we do for fun/(And I'll breathe, and it goes)/Play along/(Make-believe it's hyper real)/But I live in a hologram with you”

Again, I think this is El tapping into her favorite memories with Max (“do for fun”), and the mention of breathing in this verse makes me more sure that this might be about S4.

“Cola with the burnt-out taste/I'm the one you tell your fears to/There'll never be enough of us”

Reflecting the intimacy of their relationship. Not gonna lie, the first time I heard/read this line I was like “that’s kind of….romantic.” Hey, I’m an Elmax shipper. I’m biased. Sue me 🤪

3: “Maniac Monday” by The Bangles

Let’s jump right into it.

“Six o'clock already/I was just in the middle of a dream/I was kissin' Valentino/By a crystal-blue, Italian stream”

I think this is a reference to S3 El and Mike—pretty self-explanatory, blue being Mike’s color and all. But I think there is some interesting things in here that might not be portraying their relationship in a good light. El has somewhat of a “fairytale/dream” motif, which is basically “nothing is as it seems. What people tell you is true and what you should want isn’t necessarily always what’s best for you. And dreams can be nice. But sooner or later, you have to wake up. And the next verse supports this:

“But I can't be late/'Cause then I guess I just won't get paid/These are the days/When you wish your bed was already made”

Sort of an “I have to wake up from this dream now” and the last two lines is giving “El emotional exhaustion” vibes. She’s tired of all the emotional turmoil and not receiving the love that she wants and knows she deserves.

“Have to catch an early train/Got to be to work by nine/And if I had an aeroplane/I still couldn't make it on time”

There are a lot of references to time in this song. Maybe foreshadowing some time fuckery in S5…or just Vecna in general. And it’s possible that “train” could reference Mike in some way, just because I’m thinking of the whole “running away” motif in Mike’s playlist as well as “Smalltown Boy” including lyrics about trains.

“'Cause it takes me so long (Oh, oh)/Just to figure out what I'm gonna wear/Blame it on the train/But the boss is already there”

Oh damn, if we’re going off the idea that Mike is connected to “the train,” this is interesting…”figure out what I’m going to wear” could be a metaphor for El finding her sense of self throughout the seasons, and if that’s the case, is this implying that “the train” is somehow hindering her?? Real tin foil hat theory lmao. “The boss” could be Vecna.

“Of all my nights/Why did my lover have to pick last night/To get down?/(Last night, last night)/Doesn't it matter/That I have to feed the both of us?/Employment's down”

Okay, this might be crazy, but I think this might have something to do with the timing of Mike’s monologue being right when Max is dying and everyone is losing…if so, this suggests that El is pissed off about the monologue (which we already guessed, but this supports it). “Feed both of us” could be referencing El trying so hard in the beginning to maintain a “normal” relationship but her and Mike not being on the same wavelength at all.

“Time it goes so fast/(When you're having fun)”

Reminds me a lot of what El said in the beginning of S4 about emotions making time speed up and slow down.

4: “Blow Your Mind (Mwah)” by Dua Lipa

So this is pretty much another El power anthem (there are a ton on this playlist), so it could just be on the “self-explanatory” list, but there are a few lyrics that were cool to look into.

“Fighting to fifths/Biting your lip/Loving too late in the night”

So “fighting to fifths” apparently can also mean “to plead the fifth.” What does Google have to say about this? “To plead the fifth means to refuse to answer a question, especially in a criminal trial, on the grounds that you might incriminate yourself.” Remind you of anything? Mike Wheeler I know what you are. That last line could be a metaphor for “we’re drawing this out too long,” but that could have other interpretations as well, so I’m not putting too much weight in it.

“Tell me I'm too crazy/You can't tame me, can't tame me/Tell me I have changed/But I'm the same me, old same me”

Reminds me of Mike in S3 claiming that El and Max were “conspiring” against him lmao.

“And tonight I'm alive, ain't a dollar sign/Guaranteed, I can blow your mind, mwah”

I wonder if “dollar sign” is a reference to El not wanting to be identified solely by her powers. Sort of an “I’m more than just my powers, I’m a human person too.” And her big fuck you to people who can’t recognize that.

5: “Heads Will Roll” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs, A-Trak

Not gonna lie, this one was tricky. The lyrics are pretty cryptic. I did my best, but let me know if there’s anything I missed.

“Off with your head/Dance til you're dead/Heads will roll/On the floor”

So what I’ve noticed a lot in El’s playlist is that there is a certain “fairytale/dreams” motif. I may have covered this already, but for a recap, a lot of the lyrics, song tiles, and artists reference old stories, specifically Alice in Wonderland and The Wizard of Oz. “Off with your head” is one of many references to Alice in Wonderland.

“Glitter on the wet streets/Silver over everything/The river's all wet/You're all chrome”

Now do you see what I meant when I said these lyrics were cryptic? Yeah, the most I could get from this one was “silver over everything” possibly alluding to Vecna (“the silver cat feeds when blue meets yellow in the west”). I notice there is also quite a lot of references to water. I have seen several people talking about how water might actually be the Upside Down’s weakness, since there is no water there. Kind of a reach for this song, but if anyone knows more about that theory and wants to apply this, here you are.

“Looking glass/Take the past/Shut your eyes/Realize”

Ooooh, this is good. El in S4 Project Nina, rediscovering her past, realizing she’s not a monster. Nice bit of foreshadowing there…

6: “Dog Days Are Over” by Florence + The Machine

I think this song has a lot of elements of El’s story in it—from plot points to her relationships.

“Happiness hit her like a train on a track/Coming towards her stuck still no turning back/She hid around corners and she hid under beds/She killed it with kisses and from it she fled”

I think this could possibly be referencing young El running from the lab and Brenner. When I first read the lyrics, I was a bit confused, because the context seemed negative but the word “happiness” was thrown in there—that caught me off guard. I think that just goes to show the nature of Brenner’s emotional manipulation and how that affected El—she wants happiness in a father figure, and in the beginning of the show, she thinks that that’s coming from Brenner. However, by the end of S4, she realizes that he was manipulating her the whole time and cuts him out of her life.

“The dog days are over/The dog days are done/The horses are coming/So you better run”

Especially after watching S4, these lines are giving me “final battle” vibes. It seems that every season there has been a kind of “El-ex-machina” storyline, and maybe this is hinting at the fact that S5 will shake up that narrative a bit.

“Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father/Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers/Leave all your love and your longing behind/You can't carry it with you if you want to survive”

I think this is another nod to El’s arc throughout the show—an arc of self-discovery with an emphasis on familial and platonic love. Nowhere in here do I see a mention of romantic love (the closest you could get with that would be “leave all your love and your longing behind,” which might not mean familial love because the love for family is already emphasized in the previous lines—maybe this implies that one of the reasons El could break up with Mike is because she wants to focus on her familial/platonic relationships).

“And I never wanted anything from you/Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh/Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back/Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that”

Another couple of lines about Brenner’s manipulation.

7: “Dead End Justice” by The Runaways

Jumping right into it.

“Long hot summers make me wanna fight/The roar of the city lasts all night”

Specific reference to the summer vibes of S3. Not too groundbreaking. Until they start referencing S4…

“In the naked city/Spaces ain't that pretty/As I was getting dusted/I happened to get busted/Oh yes, I was arrested”

A blatant bit of foreshadowing to El getting arrested…these playlists were made way back in 2017, you say?

“My brain began to fry/This is like a movie/I know I'm gonna scream/All the pain that I feel/Makes me feel mean/It's so sad and crazy here/I think I'm gonna cry/If I don't wake up from this dream/I think I'm gonna, gonna, gonna die”

So this can be interpreted many different ways depending on how you want to look at it, but I think (since this came after the reference to El being arrested) this might be about El’s time in the Nina Project. “If I don't wake up from this dream/I think I'm gonna, gonna, gonna die” is definitely foreshadowing Vecna, and also the dream motif in El’s playlist.

“Your in a cheap run down teenage jail thats where”

Oh yeah, if I wasn’t sure that this song was foreshadowing El’s arrest, I am now. This is the second reference we’ve had in this song alone, and I think there are other references in the rest of the songs on her playlist.

The rest of the song is one big jail reference. This was definitely foreshadowing.

8: “Cherry Bomb” by The Runaways

“Can't stay at home, can't stay at school/Old folks say, "You poor little fool"/Down the streets I'm the girl next door/I'm the fox you've been waiting for”

This could possibly be a reference to El running away to see her sister in S2.

“Stone age love and strange sounds too/Come on, baby, let me get to you”

This could be spun a couple different ways. I think “Stone Age love” could be another way to say “old love,” like El reuniting with her beloved sister after so many years. And “strange sounds” could be referencing El being in a new environment.

I’m pretty sure this song is about El visiting her sister. But there is this one little bit that is a bit dissonant with that theme…

“Hey, street boy, what some style?/Your dead end dreams don't make you smile/I'll give you something to live for/Have you and grab you until you're sore”

I wonder…could this be about Mike? If that’s the case, the lyrics “Your dead end dreams don't make you smile” are really interesting…could it possibly mean “dreams of conforming” and how it’s a lost cause? Also another dream reference…interesting.

9: “Let Me Go” by HAIM

Hehehe…

This is one of many breakup songs on El’s playlist. Like, there is truly a plethora.

The thing is, El had a “breakup” of sorts with Brenner—she cut him out of her life after he didn’t take accountability for manipulating her. So although I am positive that El will break up with Mike, you need to be careful with identifying the breakup songs on this playlist, since El has already cut Brenner out of her life and it can be easy to mix up the Mike and Brenner songs (which is honestly really sad. Like, can we not parallel Mike to El’s abuser for like two seconds? Duffers, please? It’s scary how many parallels there are). So when looking through these songs, I looked specifically for lyrics indicating romance, since that is one obvious difference between Brenner and Mike.

“But take on everything you can/If you go so easily/Go on, get out and set me free/But I'll wait/I won't wait till day you beg again”

This is an example of a verse that could describe both Mike and Brenner. El is expressing anger at not being treated the way she deserves to be, but there’s nothing specifically paternal and nothing specifically romantic about these lines. Until…

“'Cause together we are not one/We are nothing but holding on and on”

To me at least, “‘cause together we are not one” implies romance (like “together we are one” is a romantic line). So I’m going to read this as a Milkdud breakup song. Going off that, “holding on and on” implies trying to hold onto a relationship that is crumbling.

“So let me go/You know I'm not the one for leaving/You know i'm nothing without your love/I know I'm nothing without your love/So please go, go!”

This verse was a bit tricky. El being “nothing” without any specific person’s love is narratively dissonant, romantic or not. So I think this is supposed to be another inversion. But the whole “let me go” message seems to check out, especially with the whole “we’re trying to hold onto this relationship when we really shouldn’t be” message of the last verse.

10: “Bulletproof” by La Roux

Okay, another “breakup” song—so Brenner or Mike? At first I thought Mike, but going through it again I feel that this more foreshadows Brenner’s death and El’s confrontation. However, since the lines are so blurred, I’m going to analyze both possibilities.

“I won't let you in again/The messages I've tried to send/My information's just not going in”

Referencing Mike and El’s fight (pre-“from El”) and the enormous amount of miscommunication that’s going on there. This also probably references El calling out Brenner on how he affected her and Henry and Brenner still refusing to take accountability.

“I won't let you turn around/And tell me now, I'm much too proud/To walk away from something/When it’s dead”

Foreshadowing El putting down Brenner’s hand and walking away when he refused to take accountability for his manipulative actions. It could also foreshadowing El realizing her relationship with Mike is dead and breaking up with him.

“Do, do, do your dirty words/Come out to play when you are hurt?/There's certain things that should be left unsaid”

This verse applies to both Brenner and Mike, but I think it applies more so to Mike, because when Mike says stupid shit that hurts other people it’s because he is hurt and projecting (not an excuse; a reason). Brenner knowingly manipulated El for years. He didn’t need to be hurt in a particular situation to do so, he just did.

“Tick, tick, tick, tick on the watch/And life's too short for me to stop/Oh baby, your time is running out”

A reference to time, which could be hinting at Brenner’s involvement with Henry. “Your time is running out” alluding to Brenner’s eventual (actual) death. On the Mike end of things, this could foreshadow Mike getting Vecna’d and possibly (temporarily) dying, and also El breaking up with him. Yikes, this kid’s gonna have a time next season.

11: “Because the Night” by Patti Smith

So this is pretty clearly a love song (lyrics here), which is probably about Mike and El (at least during the earlier seasons). And I was going to leave it at that, but some of the lyrics caught my eye…

“Have I doubt when I'm alone/Love is a ring, the telephone”

In the context of the song, the narrator is saying that whenever they have doubt about their lover’s feelings towards them, a loving phone call (from their lover) quickly erases that doubt. This caught my eye specifically because of the phone reference. Do we have…any proof whatsoever that Mike ever called El in Cali? Like, we know he sent her lots of letters, but it’s never implied that he called her. Even at the end of S3, he talks about using Cerebro to contact her, not the phone. And this makes sense—phone calls can be tracked by the government, which is the last thing they want. And even then, Cerebro remains at Dustin’s house (calling Suzie at the beginning of S4), so it’s implied that Mike didn’t actually “steal Cerebro.”So…Mike doesn’t call El. He writes or “uses Cerebro.” So from that and the context of the song, we can infer that there is doubt present about the state of Mike and El’s relationship because there was no phone call from Mike to El. Mike and Will on the other hand…well. *Drops mic to adjust tin foil hat*

“The way I feel under your command”

And this makes me think, “okay, wait, is this another subversion?” Because El has never been under Mike’s “command.” The only person with which she had no power in a relationship was Brenner (at least until S4), but this is a romance song…wild.

“With love we sleep/With doubt the vicious circle/Turn and burns/Without you I cannot live”

Another mention of doubt in the relationship…interesting. Makes me think of the song that was playing when Mike and El were making out at the beginning of S3 with the lyrics “just a little uncertainty can bring you down” (I had to rewatch the scene to get the lyrics…ick). What I think is weird is that there is always some reference of “I can’t live without you”—which we know is untrue in El’s case. So is this another funky subversion? It’s all so up-in-the-air.

12: “Just a Girl” by No Doubt

“Take this pink ribbon off my eyes/I'm exposed and it's no big surprise/Don't you think I know exactly where I stand?/This world is forcing me to hold your hand”

This verse specifically seems to be a metaphor for the societal message of “little girls need to hold a man’s hand,” specifically in this context a “father’s” hand—especially how Brenner is trying to convince El that she needs him (which she obviously doesn’t, and she eventually figures that out).

The “pink ribbon” I thought was a really interesting metaphor. I think it represents El realizing that the men in her life are not treating her the way she wants and deserves to be treated. The pink ribbon coming off could represent El’s slow realization of this and the lies Brenner feeding her falling away and no longer blinding her, all culminating in her leaving Brenner at the end of S4.

The “know where I stand” part is pretty fitting to El, especially by the end of S4. She very perceptive and very smart, and you see her awareness of the state of her relationships grow over the seasons, especially in S4.

“The moment that I step outside/So many reasons for me to run and hide/I can't do the little things I hold so dear/'Cause it's all those little things that I fear”

This one’s pretty self-explanatory—it’s referencing El’s time in the lab.

The rest of this song follows this same pattern and tackles the same themes (feminism, feeling trapped, etc.), which is pretty on-brand for El’s playlist.

13: “Midnight Music” by The Runaways

Oh, this one was very fun. After looking through the lyrics several times, I think this song was foreshadowing at least a portion of the final battle (mostly the Hawkins side of things).

“Out here in the smokey places/Looking into those empty faces”

I’m thinking that this could be a reference to the UD and Vecna’s victims. If we’re tying this into El, this could possibly represent how she can see into the minds of people being Vecna’d (specifically with Max).

“Making midnight music/Singing rock and roll songs”

Oh, is this a reference to Eddie’s guitar solo? Niiiiiiice.

“Back here in this cold hotel/I'm bored but you can tell/Your smile said we did OK/I'm glad we had a chance to play”

“Cold hotel” could be a metaphor for a lab setting—probably Project Nina in this context, which would remind El of being back in the lab she was in when she was a kid. Or it could be referencing El’s memories with Henry in Hawkins Lab. The last three lines could be referencing Henry or Brenner—I think it can be read either way. The last line shows that she has taken control of her relationship with one (or both) of these people and let them go. Could the last line be referencing El and Henry playing chess?

“From the plane I see the back roads/Your twilight cities your super towns/From the stage I see the drifters/Lost souls who ain't been found”

I wonder if “plane” could be referencing the Russia plot line slightly—but that’s probably a stretch. “Drifters” and “lost souls” could be referencing Vecna’s victims.

“We live inside your own heartbeats/We share the falls you take/Everything feels like it's about to break”

Could be foreshadowing the giant loss at the end of S4 and also Max’s heart stopping and then restarting.

14: “Trouble” by The New Respects

“Well, this time I want to be done/I want to be, yes, I want to be done/Because I could be a warrior, be a hero, be a saint/But trouble keeps on blocking my way”

I personally interpreted this as El being tired of being put on that “hero” pedestal—not just by Mike, but everyone. This would be especially true after S4 when she has finally learned that “hero” vs “monsters” is too extreme a dichotomy to base her sense of self worth off of—it’s just not realistic or human, and he knows that by the end of the season.

Then again….it kind of also sounds like El is staring evil full in the face here and saying “I will fight,” and if that’s the case, including the word “hero” was an interesting choice, because by the end of S4 she is not using that identifier anymore.

“I'm done, saying things nice/Now you better back up off of me/Because you're on super thin ice/And when it breaks things I'm going to get ugly”

Could mean that she’s done playing by everyone else’s rules, especially the ones made by the men in her life. This is emphasized by the memory montage when she was bringing Max back to life (“we make our own rules”).

15: “A Place to Run From” by Janne Schra

Oh, THIS one is fun. I’m going to have to break it down line by line…

“Time's speeding up/Can't keep up with the news”

This brings to mind El’s comment about emotions and how they can affect time (which she writes about in her letter to Mike). A bit unrelated: I wonder if El’s line could be foreshadowing to the high probability of time-fuckery next season, and how emotions will play a big role in that. Maybe tapping into Henry’s emotions is what will start goofing up the time, and maybe it will be the key to defeating him. This is not a fully-fledged theory; I’m just spitballing here.

The line about the news reminds of that line in “Buzzcut Season”—“The men up on the news/They try to tell us all that we will lose.” Could this line be about the expectations of Brenner/society on El, and how she is having trouble conforming to them (because she shouldn’t have to)?

“I'm playing Russian roulette/I need a place to run from to call home”

The mention of Russian Roulette here is pretty telling…imo, this solidifies the fact that this song is about El feeling lost in the beginning of S4, looking for any sense of stability to cling to in the wake of the loss of Hopper and moving away from the only place she’s ever known.

“Aggression isn't the answer/But I like the taste of blood”

I think this is probably in reference to El hitting Angela with the skate. And this is what we’ve all been saying: El knows that hitting Angela didn’t fix her problems or make her feel better, but coping with violence is something that people have expected from her from a young age. Now that she doesn’t have powers, we are shown the fallout of the violence, and El is realizing (as we see during her fight with Mike) that the circumstances under which she uses violence to deal with her emotions greatly affects how she appears in the eyes of the people around her.

“I miss love In his mansion/I miss Italy Italy and Italian food/I miss compassion in how I do/I miss you”

I think this song is introducing us in the beginning to how El is having trouble coping, and then these lines show us that one of the reasons (the main reason) is because she is missing Hopper. “Russian Roulette…” “Italian food” (in reference to Enzo’s)…

“I wake up with many layers, perfection is the goal/You got to peel a long way if you wanna reach my soul”

So if we’re taking this in the context of El still struggling with the loss of Hopper, she is trying to find that sense of stability in her new life—she’s trying to put on this facade of everything being perfect, especially with Mike, but it all falls apart because she’s looking for a sense of perfection that is unattainable. Same with how she views herself—her internal battle in S4 between “monster” and “superhero”—and how she realizes by the end that that’s not a healthy image of herself to hold.

“Ohoh community pressure they say I'm missing out/Don't know who my friends are but I like everything they talk about”

The first line is pretty self-explanatory. El feels excluded by her peers at school, who bully her relentlessly. El hates them, yes, but what the second line suggests is that she also wants their outward appearance of being “normal” as a way of finding stability, and she is romanticizing the facade of perfection that Angela and her friends put on.

16: “Wicked Ones” by Dorothy

“This night ain't for the faint of heart/'Cause the faint of heart gonna fall apart”

I’m thinking (and this theory is supported by Mike’s playlist) that “night” is a metaphor for the Upside Down, which makes sense especially in the context of these lines. Also, could “heart” be a reference to Mike? I think the main purpose of these lines were to establish that “night” metaphor, but food for thought.

“This night ain't for the holy man with the holy plan/For the promise land/This night we got the evil hand/And the evil hand gonn' raise the dead”

So it continues off the “not for the faint of heart” thing for the first line. Here’s a random theory: What if either El or Will leading a group through the Upside Down, which shows their abilities to navigate it? Maybe they assume some sort of leader role (Main Character Will Byers is already confirmed, so we might see this). The last two lines are a bit funny…we know that El can raise the dead (as she did with Max), but she isn’t evil (unless they pull a whole ass plot twist on us next season, the chances of this being slim to none). So can Henry raise the dead as well?

“This night ain't for the faint of heart/'Cause when the train wreck comes gonna leave them out”

So the first line is repeated—but the second line is making me think of this post, which points out how Nina’s story about waiting for her lover’s train that never came could be a metaphor for El’s experiences. If it is, this could be a metaphor for how some of the relationships El has are not turning out to be the best for her (notably, Brenner and Mike). If this isn’t what this line meant, it’s probably foreshadowing the Everything Gone to Shit ending we see at the end of S4.

17: “Head Over Heels” by The Go-Go’s

“Been running so long/I've nearly lost all track of time”

This got me thinking that this song is foreshadowing Vecna and time-fuckery, not just in S4 but possibly in S5 as well.

“In every direction/I couldn't see the warning signs”

So if we’re going off the idea that this is about Henry/Vecna, it’s possible that this is referencing El trusting Henry and the realizing he was using her the whole time to get the chip out of his neck.

“I must be losin' it/'Cause my mind plays tricks on me”

Oooh, yeah, definitely referencing Vecna’s visions/curse here. But this could also be about El’s own memory, and her journey through her past in Project Nina.

“It looked so easy/But you know looks sometimes deceive”

Again, this is probably about Henry tricking El in the lab. I’m aware that there are probably other angles from which to tackle this, but if I’m going off the previous lines of the song, I’m personally interpreting this as being about Henry.

“No more connections/I don't need any more advice”

Once El realizes that Henry has been using her and wants her to join him, she becomes angry and refuses. This could also apply to many other people/relationships in El’s life, especially her relationship with Brenner. She didn’t want Henry manipulating her and is ready to kill him when he hurts her friends, and once she realizes that Brenner has been manipulative, she cuts him out of her life as well.

“Been running so hard/When what I need is to unwind”

What I’m picking up through this line and other lines in songs scattered around El’s playlist is that El is tired of playing the hero—especially as she realizes through S4 that “hero” and “monster” are unrealistic descriptors. Personally, I’m on her side with that one. I hope S5 has an ensemble cast hero moment, rather than putting El in the “El-ex-machina” role again.

“I've waited so long/So long to play this part/And just remembered/That I'd forgotten about my heart”

Like I said about the previous lines: before the ending of S4, El was so aware of what people saw her as and her role in saving everyone that she was not able to have a healthy image of herself. Those unrealistic expectations (on El by herself and by the people around her) caused her to stray from what made her her, and she feels like she has to put on a show or play a role.

18: “Stuck” by The Aces

I’m honestly just thinking this song is yet another one condemning Mike and El’s relationship. How many of those are on this playlist again? Like 5+? Seriously, Spotify could just call this playlist “Breakup Jams” and very few people would question it. I really don’t have much to say about this song, so I’ll just copy down the most condemning lyrics:

“We talk/Talk 'till we're blue in the face/The words/The words don't resonate/Seasons/They always seem to stay the same/Holding/On to things we said we would change”

This entire verse (imo) describes Mike and El’s relationship in S4 especially. I mean, not even just with the “blue” thrown in there. They try to get through to each other, but they just can’t understand the other person’s feelings. They each can’t give the other what they need or want in a relationship. I won’t even expand on that, because if you’re reading this and you’re a Byler, you already know what I mean. And the lines about “seasons” and holding on to things that never change and need to be let go…yeah.

“Too little, too late/I know that's what you’re gonna say”

Could this be El talking about all of Mike’s apologies? He tries to defend himself in her bedroom when she calls him out for not saying I Love You, but when she leaves, she leaves a note that says “From El” instead of “Love El.” By the time Mike actually does say I Love You, in my opinion, her time in Project Nina rediscovering her powers, her memories, and her perception of herself has shown her that, in the words of Millie Bobby Brown, “Mike just isn’t loving her the way she wants to be loved.” Too little, too late. She won’t wait around for him to get his shit together—especially after everything that happened with Brenner.

“I see it in your eyes, your eyes, your eyes/We ain't satisfied/Waste away our lives, our lives, our lives/We ain't satisfied”

This is why I’m sure that this isn’t about Brenner or Hopper. There is a certain “married couple who can’t file for divorce” tint to this—exactly how MBB described it. We know textually that El is dissatisfied with the state of her and Mike’s relationship—she wants him to say I Love You but knows that he isn’t loving her the way she wants to be loved.

19: “This Town” by The Go-Go’s

So this song doesn’t have many lyrics, but from the few that are present, I think this is a jab at forced conformity and how it’s “killing the kids” (as Eddie says).

“We all know the chosen toys/Of catty girls and pretty boys/Make up that face/Jump in the race/Life's a kick in this town”

Right away, we see gender roles being established in the first couple of lines—one of the ultimate “conformity rules.” But it is hinted that those lines are all a front with the next line about “making up” a face, which could be a metaphor for putting up a facade. This is also hinted at in the “jump in the race” line, which makes me think of a line from “Mad World” on Mike’s playlist:

“Bright and early for their daily races/Going nowhere, going nowhere”

The whole song of “Mad World” is about the pain of the monotony of the world and societal expectations and ideas of “normalcy.” So “jumping in the race” in El’s playlist ties into that distain of societal expectations. I’d say this is all a pretty good summation of Hawkins. The people want to have that image of the “normal, all-American town,” but in reality, it’s anything but.

“This town is our town/It is so glamorous/Bet you'd live here if you could/And be one of us”

So this was definitely delivered in an ironic way; either that, or it’s a jaded vision—the people of Hawkins trying to keep up the facade of normalcy.

“Change the lines that were said before/We're all dreamers - we're all whores/Discarded stars/Like worn out cars/Litter the streets of this town”

So the first line is making me think of the phrase “flip the script,” which could be a metaphor for how forced conformity will only keep you in a box you’re meant to break out of. In the second line, I immediately see another addition to El’s “dream” motif, and the larger line itself suggests that everyone in Hawkins has something about themselves that they’re covering up, hurting themselves by trying to stay in a box. This line is saying that even though everyone tries to act “normal” and puts up that facade of conformity, none of it is real. There’s something about everybody that doesn’t conform, and they all have dreams of breaking out from the monotony.

20: “The Kids (Ain’t Alright)” by Grace Mitchell

So I know I mess around with the order of the songs a bit to classify them, but this song and “This Town” are actually next to each other on El’s playlist. I think if we’re going off the same idea as the last song (that the people of Hawkins are putting up a facade, trying to convince themselves of their “normalcy”), than this song expands on that theme, with more of a focus on the adults in this song coming to somewhat of a realization. This directly plays into Eddie’s “forced conformity…that’s what’s killing the kids.”

“If you came in late/Then you would have missed the early warning/Now we pray for our mistakes/Thrown right in our face, is no one sorry?”

So “late” and “early” are loose references of time. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, this entire verse screams “Vecnafication”—but who? If we’re still continuing along the “people of Hawkins” angle, this could imply that Vecna will target the whole town in S5, not just individual people…forcing them to confront their own guilt and fears rather than putting up a facade…might be a bit of a stretch, but a fun theory to goof around with.

“Ooh, ooh, I've been so blind/Ooh, ooh, the kids ain't all right”

I’m sorry, did you say “blind?” Bro???? Yes, I’m the context of the song, “blind” goes along with “turning a blind eye,” but eyes are a huge piece of symbolism in S4–Vecna sucking in people’s eyes, Max (potentially) not being able to see anymore, Mike’s freaking sunglasses and how none of his “happy” moments with El have him completely looking her in the eye, Lucas about Patrick: “It was easy to look the other way…” I’m not saying I think that every single Hawkins resident will go blind (but I mean how crazy would that be if it happened right?), but using “blind” here has a lot if implications for the plot. The irony there could be kind of funny (not like funny “haha,” funny like “oh jeez”) if the town does end up getting Vecna’d—they turned a blind eye to the struggles of the kids and now they’re facing a monster that sucks people’s eyes out. Fun stuff.

“Why is everything so stupid now?/I've been drinking my delusions down”

So this makes me think that the people of Hawkins will eventually face reality, consequences for the way they’ve been forcing people into boxes. The way they treated Eddie, Will, Joyce, and Jonathon kind of hasn’t been fully addressed, and when he dies, the town still thinks he’s a murderer. I hope that when they bring Eddie’s arc full circle (the town realizes that he wasn’t actually a murderer), they will address these loose ends in regards to how the town mistreated the Byers as well.

“Now you get what you made/Land of the queer and patriotic/Playing it safe/You want me to finish what you started”

I interpreted this part as from El/the Party’s POV, like, “you’ve forced us to hide our true selves in order to maintain you crumbling and false image of normalcy, and you want us to continue pushing that message on the next generation and the generation after that, fuck that.”

21: “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac

This song is…a bit trippy, if I’m being honest. It was a little hard to riddle out, but I’m going to give it my best shot. There are a lot of different interpretations this song could have, so bear that in mind.

“Now here you go again, you say you want your freedom/Well, who am I to keep you down?/It's only right that you should play the way you feel it/But listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness”

These lines make sense if they’re from Brenner to El, because that’s essentially what he said when El left Project Nina. But this could also be from El to Brenner, especially with that last line of “but listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness.”

“Like a heartbeat, drives you mad/In the stillness of remembering what you had/And what you lost”

So this could be about Brenner, how he lost El by refusing to acknowledge his abuse, and how he ended up dying. “Heartbeat” in the first line and “stillness” in the second kind of implies death—a bit of a stretch, but Brenner did end up dying in the show.

“Oh, thunder only happens when it's raining”

Actually, I want you all to go down two lines and read my analysis on the “when the rain washes you” line first, and then come back to this.

Okay, so going off my analysis on that line, this could be referencing big fights going along with truth being revealed after a while of lying. Brenner manipulated and lied to El for essentially her entire childhood, and when she finally realizes that, it’s like rain washing away all the dirt and grim and nitty gritty until you can see the truth. And with that truth comes El’s anger—thunder—at being lied to.

“Players only love you when they're playing”

A metaphor for Brenner valuing El only when she uses her powers for him? And using her powers to get to Henry? Checks out.

“When the rain washes you clean, you'll know”

First of all, I’ve heard a lot of people talking about water imagery in Stranger Things. I don’t know the breadth of that conversation, but to anyone who knows what it’s about and is looking for more clues, here ya go. Also, rain washing you clean could be a metaphor for the truth being revealed and the knowledge that comes with that, which makes sense if this is El talking about Brenner, especially when we consider her last monologue to him about how he was really the monster and manipulator all along.

“Now here I go again, I see the crystal vision/I keep my visions to myself/But it's only me who wants to wrap around your dreams, and/Have you any dreams you'd like to sell, dreams of loneliness?”

So we’re leaning into the “dream” motif here, and this is definitely hinting at Vecna and his curse. His victims keeping their guilt and visions to themselves until it consumes them, and then “selling their dreams” to Vecna, i.e. being killed. This could also be in reference to El suppressing her trauma memories from the lab, wanting to hide those moments from everyone—including herself.

22: “Bad Things” by Cults

This one’s pretty short, but it just about confirmed a couple of things for me.

“There's nothing like losing out so long/To the bad things I've done wrong/Right now I'm feeling so beat/Just wanna run”

Huh. So. These lines seem to more closely align with El’s mindset near the end of S4 rather than the end of S2. To me, this kind of proves that the playlists don’t mean nothing—and they’re not solely covering S2. I mean, that could still be the case, but if so, this would be just another crazy coincidence, of which there would be too many.

“I'm leaving this place is not for me/Please tell me, who are we?”

I wonder…does this reference El moving away from Hawkins with the Byers at the end of S3, or does it hint at her moving away from Hawkins for good at the end of the entire show? Both could check out—take your pick!

23: “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)” by Eurythmics

I’m noticing that a lot of El’s songs hint to Vecna and his curse—especially with her “dream” motif, to which this song is yet another addition—and the forced conformity plaguing the people of Hawkins.

“Sweet dreams are made of this/Who am I to disagree/I travel the world and the seven seas/Everybody's looking for something”

This is really reminding me of the use of “This Town” and “The Kids (Ain’t Alright)” earlier on El’s playlist, which (in my opinion) comment on how forced conformity is keeping people from accepting and chasing the dreams they have that might not be “societally acceptable.” “Everybody’s looking for something” implies discontent with a current state of life—a dissatisfaction with conformist monotony, maybe?

“Some of them want to use you/Some of them want to get used by you/Some of them want to abuse you/Some of them want to be abused”

This verse, I think, comments on the use of power in ST—especially El’s powers. This pretty accurately described El’s relationships with many of the adults in her life—doctors, scientists, the government, especially Brenner. Very few of them see her as more than a weapon or a tool, and even though some of them acknowledge that she is in fact a human being with feelings, they still see her as a little girl who needs to be monitored. So many people have used El for her powers.

“Hold your head up, keep your head up, movin' on”

This provides a beacon of hope—an encouragement, saying that things will get better one day.

24: “We Got The Beat” by The Go-Go’s

This song is pretty interesting because when you first listen to it, it seems to be very upbeat and cheerful. However, when you really look into the meaning behind the lyrics, it takes on a much more sinister tone (at least, in the context of El’s playlist and ST) about the dangers of forced conformity. This is the third song El has on this playlist about forced conformity…interesting.

“See the people walking down the street/Fall in line just watching all their feet/They don't know where they want to go/But they're walking in time”

This could be commenting on the almost scary monotony that Hawkins has fallen into trying to emulate the “perfect small American town” vision. They’ve given up their hopes and dreams and are just keeping their heads down and falling in line.

“All the kids just getting out of school/They can't wait to hang out and be cool/Hang around 'til quarter after twelve/That's when they fall in line”

Same message as the first verse, only this shows us that kids are very much impacted by this “forced conformity” monster (just as Eddie says). This pairs nicely with the “The Kids (Ain’t Alright)” song that El also has on this playlist.

“Go-go music really makes us dance/Doing the pony puts us in a trance/The Watusi, just give us a chance/That's when we fall in line”

Whoa…hold up. Trance???? As in, Vecna’s curse? Again with this tin foil hat theory, but this would make sense if everyone in Hawkins ended up getting Vecna’d to a certain extent. They would all have to face the consequences of shoving down their true thoughts and feelings, and this would be the perfect time for Vecna to strike, seeing as their town is now in shambles—can’t pretend everything’s normal anymore. The things S5 could have in store…we’ll just have to wait and see.

25: “What’s Up?” by 4 Non Blondes

“I realized quickly when I knew I should/That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man/For whatever that means”

Fairly accurate—we’re acknowledging that the men in El’s life have had a lot more control over her than they should.

“Just to get it all out what's in my head/And I, I am feeling a little peculiar”

So, something about being in your head and feeling strange…could this be another references to dreams, trances, and/or hallucinations—all of which are motifs in El’s playlist? Could it be foreshadowing Vecna’s curse? Take your pick…

“And I try/Oh my God, do I try/I try all the time/In this institution/And I pray/Oh my God, do I pray/I pray every single day/For revolution”

So, this could mean a couple of things. First off, it could be referencing El’s time in the lab the first time, when she was a kid. It would make sense, since she wasn’t actually happy there but was trying to please Brenner. It could be a reference to El’s memories of teaming up with Henry to break out of the lab in S4. Or “institute” could be a metaphor for a conformist society. Either way, El feels trapped—and even if this isn’t referencing S4, El does feel trapped in S4 in more ways than one. I feel like this is going to all have to come to a head in S5–and the fallout will be interesting…

End of Part 3! Now for my “Holy Shit” list….

[facepalming-since-chernobyl]

Debunking lies haters spread about Mon-El – misogynist

Misogyny is a wide definitions and includes prejudice against women, social exclusion, sex discrimination, hostility, patriarchy, male privilege, belittling of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification – so it’s not “just” typical hate.

And yes, Mon-El said/did some questionable things. Aka about Eve “She wanted to please me. On Daxam, when a woman wishes to please a man...” and the fact he had no problems with moving the copying machine with her (Crossfire ep) and the line “things was easier on Daxam when I objectified women and didn’t care about anyone“ (the Mxy ep) and didn’t do what Kara said or how SCs like to say, he didn’t respect her.

But here we have few problems here.

First of all Mon-El is from a planet, where people behaved this way. And I write people, not men, because Daxam was a place when all of them where doing things like this. Do we have evidences that women were treated only like sexual objects and exist only to please men? No. Why? Because after all, Rhea - a woman, was the most powerful person on that planet and held true power, not Lar Gand, who was murdered by her and there were no consequences. No patriarchy here. No male privilege here.

But his haters love to forget the line: “on Daxam we drugged themselves to feel nothing“. We aka all people. That was the toxic culture that promoted the system where people were not dealing with feelings, but suppressing them with drugs. What caused not carrying about anything and objectifying was a part of the system.

“The more the merrier“ line, that some people say was lesbophobic and Mon-El wanted to have a threesome with Alex and Maggie is simply stupid. He was talking about having a PARTY, not having sex. Also in that bar scene he showed he was not  prejudiced against homosexuals. Daxam was a horrible place but every sexuality was seen as normal and accepted. Also, no sex discrimination.

Next, “On Daxam, when a woman wishes to please a man.” WISHES. When a woman doesn’t want to please a man, she doesn’t. SIMPLE AND OBVIOUS. What also means he never sexually harassed anyone and there are no evidences for that. I will write another piece about how some really gross people accuse him of rape and other things that didn’t happen, but that will appear in the future.

Also, friendly reminder that Eve WANTED to hook up with him. She was a woman who knew  what she wanted and did what she wanted. Making her some a clueless victim is a disrespectful for HER.

Secondly, when haters talk about his relationship with Kara is how he disrespected her as a woman.

The problem is they both clashed not because of their sexes but because of their races. They clashed because she was a Kryptonian and he was a Daxamite. They clashed because of their absolutely different upbringing.

 He didn’t listen to her?

Kara Danvers : I am trying to help you fit in and you keep messing it up.

Mon-El : Okay, I'm trying very hard to be Mike, okay? But it is not as easy as you make it sound, Kara. I'm used to doing my own thing.

Kara Danvers : Well, you don't do your own thing here. You do my thing.

Mon-El : Um, okay. And if I don't want to do your thing?

Kara Danvers : Then find another mentor.

We talk about an alien who was on Earth like for two weeks and was brought to a CatCo to start a job. I repeat, an alien from totally different culture was brought to a totally new environment to behave like a human and work. Ever heard about cultural shock? And he TRIED. But was not ready. And Kara admitted it herself, later in the ep:

“When I was younger, I had no idea what I wanted to be here on Earth. And I had a family to help me and guide me, but... ultimately I had to make my own choices. And I was trying to impose those choices on you because when you landed, I was-I was just so excited to have someone to take under my wing. To look after. I never got to do that with my cousin. But you are your own man. And your life here on Earth is going to be very different from mine, and that's fine. That's great.”

Because guess what, he was not a dog and not doing what someone else asked is not always disrespectful. It’s you know, not being a slave and having your own mind :) Also, saying someone should do what you want is not mentoring or teaching and Kara explained that herself.

When they clashed after he beat Brian, once again, it was not about her being a woman, it was about how they were using their powers and how they both seen it differently. And it once again, in the end, was about the differences between a Daxam and Krypton.

So what, he was misogynist because he was jealous of Mxy? Because he didn’t do what she asked him to? Because he was arguing with her? Because he was overprotective? Yep, we can all agree it was a shitty behavior. Once again, I understand why he behaved like that – his upbringing in Daxamite culture, ignoring the feelings and getting drugged instead of dealing with them – but his behavior was NOT PORTRAYED AS SOMETHING GOOD. And Kara CALLED HIS SHIT OUT. And after some thinking HE ADMITTED and what is more important, UNDERSTOOD HE WAS WRONG.EXPLAINED himself in a way that made sense. APOLOGIZED. And didn’t repeat this mistake.

Because you know, this was his character arc from being a problematic frat boy of the universe, to finally understanding his character issues and fixing them. That was his story. And I’m kinda surprised how people can admit the tv shows are full of macho idiotic males and how out culture is teaching them how to act wrongly and mistreat women and then when they have an actual arc of man who grasped his shit and become better, they hate on him like no tomorrow. I guess males should stay shitty for their whole lives???

And lastly - look how many times he praised her, how many times he said how awesome she was when she kicked Mxy and other idiots’ asses and how proud he was, how he has learnt to respect her decisions, how he tried to please her, how he walked away when she asked him without a word, how he was able to say how worthless he was, how he played the role of a housewife when she was dealing with criminals, how many times he gave her emotional support and simply was there when she needed it, how he took her side and could admit he was wrong - like, misogynists do stuff like that? Since when?

Yes, he was a jerk and he didn’t have any idea how to treat women, but he has learnt. Keeping things he has done in the past and ignoring his development is like depriving humans of the ability of making mistakes and learning on them. And this is a base of whole damned humanity.

[extasiswings]

How we feeling clowns?  Wrecked?  Anyway, here, have an episode tag for both the crossover and Buck Begins.  Also on ao3.

Eddie’s driving nearly on autopilot, the roads familiar as they get closer and closer to El Paso. Part of him almost wishes he hadn’t taken the driving shift to get them to his childhood home, even if it made the most sense—he can feel the tension in his jaw and shoulders creeping in, curling tighter with every mile they come closer, and his fingers itch for his phone, for the commiserating sympathies of his sisters who understand what he’s likely to walk into much more than Buck or Hen. 

Technically they could have skipped the detour. Eddie hadn’t even planned on telling his parents he was coming to Texas at all—it was Christopher who let it slip, and then Eddie had been immediately put on the spot and he hadn’t been able to come up with a good way out of stopping by after his weak deflection that it wasn’t a social trip was met with well, you have to stop and eat somewhere, don’t you. 

Sophia told him to lie and say the department said no. But she’s always been much better at lying to their parents outright than he is. Adriana shrugged and said if he didn’t want to go he didn’t need to give them a reason and should just say he wouldn’t be coming. But then, that’s her tactic as well and always has been—putting her foot down to establish hard boundaries, forging her own path and bucking all expectations.  Eddie’s always fallen somewhere in the middle, which he supposes is fitting—struggling to set boundaries, often getting there only when pushed, wanting approval but lacking Sophia’s talent for gentle manipulation that usually leads people to think that whatever she wants was their idea. 

So. Here he sits. Driving to El Paso. 

“Eddie?”

He blinks and clears his throat as he registers Buck’s voice, the edge of concern that says it’s not the first time Buck has called his name. 

“Yeah?”

“I was going to ask if you could pass back the aux cord,” Buck says. “But now I think I should ask if you’re okay.”

Eddie glances over his shoulder—Hen is in the back of the truck, head pillowed against the window, dozing with her eyes closed.  He swallows. 

“It’s been awhile since I’ve seen my parents is all,” he replies. “And usually when they call it’s to talk to Christopher so...it might be uncomfortable.”

Buck’s voice drops. “Have you talked to them since the thing? Other than about this I guess.”

The Thing, also known as the huge fight they got into when Eddie decided that if he was going to keep working he couldn’t live at home for awhile and they tried to once again insist that he take Chris back to live with them. Like some terrible combination of the arguments they had before he moved to LA and after Shannon’s funeral, only even worse because Eddie had been raw enough over the decision to move in with Buck and let his abuela take care of Chris for awhile and really didn’t need to hear anyone tell him that choice made him a bad parent—

Sophia had been spitting mad when he told her and while he doesn’t know what she said in her own subsequent call to their parents, he knows that the next time they called him, the subject didn’t come up again.  Which, he supposes is as close to an apology as he’s ever likely to get.  

He probably could have used that as an excuse to not visit.  But then, that’s not really how they are.  Don’t apologize, pretend you don’t hold grudges, act like everything is fine, and repress until it feels like it is—the Diaz family way.  

Eddie sighs as he focuses on the road.

“Not really,” he replies.  “They’ve called Christopher every few weeks, but we’ve only talked directly...three times maybe since then?  Things seem to go south more quickly when we’re in person though so I guess I’m…”

“Bracing for impact,” Buck fills in quietly.  “I get that.”

“Yeah?”

Buck shrugs.  “I don’t talk about my parents,” he points out.  “Don’t talk to them either if I can avoid it because they always have a way of managing to just—anyway.  The last time I even called was after everything with Maddie and Doug.  Haven’t seen them since...since before I started with the 118 at least. So.  Yeah.  I get it.”

He hesitates, then adds, “You know I have your back, right?  You’re my best friend and you’re an amazing father.  I’m not going to let anybody get away with talking badly about you in front of me, even if they are your parents.”

Eddie glances back and manages a faint smile, some of the tension leaving his shoulders.  

“I’m glad you’re here,” he admits.  “Even if you did try to steal a fire truck in the middle of the night without me.”

Buck laughs and shoves at his shoulder.  “At least it wasn’t this truck.  Besides—you caught up before I did it anyway.”    

“Yeah, my Buck’s about to do something dangerous senses were tingling, couldn’t let that slide,” Eddie teases.

“Just give me the damn aux cord,” Buck shoots back, but he’s grinning.

And as they pass the next exit, Eddie feels like maybe things won’t be quite so bad.

***

Buck hates Eddie’s parents.  

It’s not the most charitable thing to think about someone you’ve only just officially met—he saw them at the ceremony when Eddie passed his probationary period, but he’d been on pretty strong painkillers at the time and Maddie had shuffled him back home as soon as possible—but he really does.

He hates the tense, anxious set of Eddie’s shoulders, hates the way his smile looks forced—it triggers the same fierce, protective instinct that rears its head whenever he gets between his parents and Maddie, and, well, he did promise, so—

He really doesn’t feel bad for interrupting the very first digs about how seeing Christopher over video isn’t the same as in person, but it’s nice to have the option and technology really is wonderful, Zoom calls must have been a great improvement from your army days, right son with—

“You know, it is wonderful isn’t it?  Did Eddie tell you how amazing Christopher is handling hybrid learning?  It’s really so great how his teachers have adapted, I can’t imagine he would have kept up so well anywhere else.”

Buck smiles brightly as Eddie’s mother’s lips thin.  Hen coughs and takes a long sip of lemonade.  Eddie blinks in surprise from across the table and clears his throat, grasping at the lifeline.

“Yeah, top of his class,” Eddie says.  

“He even has a reading group once a week with some of the other kids in his class that Eddie started to help them stay social.  I know a lot of the other parents appreciate it,” Buck adds, and Eddie rubs at the back of his neck.

“We definitely do,” Hen says, glancing at Eddie’s father as she clarifies, “I have a son Christopher’s age.  They used to play together all the time before all of this.”

“His therapist said kids are resilient, but I wanted to at least try and give him something normal,” Eddie replies, and his mother’s brows raise.

“Christopher is in therapy?”  There’s a note in her tone that makes Eddie tense and Buck’s hackles raise.

“I took him to see someone for a few sessions after Shannon died, mom,” Eddie says evenly.  After the tsunami, Buck fills in for himself.  “It didn’t seem like a bad idea to go back again to make sure he’s okay during a time that’s pretty unprecedented for just about everyone.” 

“Really, I think more parents should send their kids to therapy,” Buck interjects.  “If it’s a feasible option, I can’t see that it’s anything other than great parenting to make sure your kid has the best tools they can to take care of their mental health.”

God knows if he’d gone to therapy a hell of a lot sooner, he might not be struggling through sessions with Dr. Copeland now that he’s nearly thirty, but that’s not really the point.

“Well, some people feel those sorts of things are best taken care of within the family,” Eddie’s mother replies.

“With all due respect, sometimes the family’s way of handling problems just makes things worse,” Buck replies, his smile dropping briefly before he forces it back again.

“This lemonade really is delicious, Mrs. Diaz,” Hen jumps in as Eddie pushes his chair back and starts collecting empty plates.  “I would love to get the recipe before we leave.  If you don’t mind.” 

Startled, the older woman blinks.  “Oh.  Yes, of course.  I’ll write it down for you.”

Buck pushes back his own chair as Hen continues redirecting the conversation and follows Eddie into the kitchen where he finds his best friend gripping the edge of the sink.

“Hey,” he says quietly.  

Eddie looks over his shoulder and exhales heavily.  “Hey.”

“Sorry if I overstepped.”

“You didn’t,” Eddie assures.  “I’m just...exhausted.  And ready to get back on the road and home to my kid.”

He hesitates, then adds, “you know, my sisters would be impressed.  I haven’t seen someone manage our parents like that since they left.  I—thank you.”

“I meant what I said in the truck, Eddie,” Buck replies.  “You’re an amazing father and a great man and—it’s not right that anyone should pretend any different.  So.  I won’t let them.”   

Eddie glances at the hallway.  “Guess we have to go back eventually.  I didn’t quite think this escape plan through.”  

“Once more unto the breach?”  Buck offers.  The smile he gives Eddie is far different from the fake one he’s had up since they arrived, and when Eddie returns it, a spark returning to his eyes, it makes Buck’s stomach flip and his pulse race.

He tries not to think too hard about that.  They still have a long drive ahead of them—plenty of time to save it for later.    

“Yeah.  Yeah, okay.”

***

When they get home, Eddie barely manages to shower and plug in his phone to charge before falling into bed and immediately going to sleep.  When he wakes up, he finally checks his messages and sees several missed calls and texts from his sisters.

So? Sophia asks.  How was it?

<em>You were right</em>, Eddie taps out, and then waits. His phone rings a few seconds later. 

“I’ll save the I told you so in favor of asking if I should get Adriana on the line for an emergency Diaz sibling parental grievance vent session or if I’ll suffice,” Sophia greets. 

“It’s not that serious,” Eddie replies. “I’m okay—a little annoyed still, but...I’m okay.”

He’s not quite sure what compels him to add, “Buck was there. He, uh, he told them off about it a little actually. Politely, but that kind of polite...you know the one.”

“The one that’s basically go fuck yourself with a smile and/or plausible deniability?” Sophia fills in, and Eddie laughs. 

“Yeah, that.” He rubs at the back of his neck and leans back in his chair. “It was—he kept pointing out things about what a great dad I am.”

There’s something about the feeling in his gut that he can’t name. Something he wants to poke at, to explore, but that also makes him wary. Like a yellow caution light—it’s not a do not enter but it’s not risk free either—and he’s not sure whether it’s a risk he can take yet. 

Sophia is quiet for a moment. Then she says, “You are a great dad, Eddie. In spite of them. I’m glad you have other people in your life who recognize that too.  You deserve that.  You deserve to trust that you’re good at things, even if mom and dad say you aren’t.  You deserve to be happy, so...”

The silence that follows feels weighty.  

“What?”  Eddie asks.

“Is Buck—?”  Sophia cuts herself off.  “—nevermind.  Hey, the twins are calling, so I’ll call back again later, okay?  Love you.”

Is Buck what? Eddie wants to ask.  But he swallows it back.

“Love you, too,” he says instead.  “Talk to you later.”

As he hangs up and tosses his phone aside, his mind wanders back to that feeling.  Right up to the edge of warning lights and caution tape.  And Eddie wonders for a moment if he should—

There’s a knock at his door.  

“Dad?  You awake?”

“Yeah, buddy,” he calls back.  “Be right there.”

Later.  He can think about it later.  

***

Eddie figures it out at the worst possible time—in the middle of a five-alarm fire when Buck’s trapped inside and he doesn’t know if—

What do you do when you realize you might be in love with your best friend and they could die?

“We have to go back in there,” he says, before he can think of any reason why he shouldn’t.  “We can’t just leave him, we have to—”

“You’re right,” Bobby interrupts, and the other captain makes a noise of frustration.  

“Captain Nash—”

“You’re right,” Bobby repeats, holding Eddie’s gaze.  “We’re going to get him back.”

Maybe it’s stupid, four trained firefighters diving back into an active blaze in an unstable building with unclear direction, but Eddie can’t regret it when he sees the desperation on Buck’s face.  The relief.  The impending breakdown.

After, he’s assigned to take care of the victim and Buck’s carted off to the hospital to get checked, and Eddie thinks maybe that’s better.  It gives him time, at least.  Time to figure out what to say, what to do, whether he should say or do anything at all.  Part of him doesn’t know.  The rest is screaming I love him, I love him, I love him, wants to get his hands on Buck to verify for himself that he’s fine.  That he’s alive.  That he’s going to stay that way.

But when he gets back to the station, Buck’s parents are there, sitting at the table, and Eddie just—

He thinks about the look on Buck’s face earlier in the shift when he spilled everything, when he explained how he was apparently born just for parts and how he used to throw himself into bad situations because it was the only way to get their attention.

He could ignore them.  But he doesn’t.

“He saved my son, you know,” Eddie says, gripping the top of the staircase as the Buckleys look up.  And it’s probably somewhat insane to keep talking because he knows they don’t even know who he is, but he can’t help it because he just needs them to understand—  “Buck.  He wasn’t even working at the time, he was on medical leave and didn’t know if he would ever be able to be a firefighter again.  But he saved my son in the middle of a tsunami—my then eight-year-old son, and god knows I can’t imagine losing him, I think that would be the worst thing I could possibly go through, and I’m not sure I would survive it, but I didn’t have to because Buck saved him.  And probably twenty other people as well.  That’s just the kind of person he is.  The kind who saves people.”

They don’t say a word, so he keeps going.  “He could have died today.  Because he didn’t want to leave anyone behind.  Because he is a good man, even if he doesn’t ever feel like he’s good enough.  And he hasn’t said a lot about you, but he’s said enough for me to know that while he’s gotten the latter impression from you, he learned the former himself.  He built his life here himself.  So...I don’t know why you’re here, if you want to explain yourselves or just want him to forgive you because you feel guilty, but I just wanted you to know that.  That he’s a good man.  The best man that I know.  And if you’re proud of him for that, he deserves to hear it.  That’s all.”

Eddie walks away then, heart beating too fast, blood rushing in his ears.  

The best man that I know.  And I’m in love with him.

That wasn’t for their ears though.  

It thrums in his veins, the words caught in his throat as he showers, changes, waits for Buck to return to the station.  And when he does, Eddie almost—

But something stops him.  

“You have visitors,” he says instead.  And leaves Buck to it.

Buck finds him in the locker room after.

“So, my parents said they heard stories about me while they were waiting,” he says.  “When I asked them who from, they said they didn’t know, but that I saved their son in a tsunami—and trust me, that got a hell of a lot of questions.”      

Eddie is grateful for the open locker, the excuse to hide his face as he pulls out his street clothes.

“Yeah, well—just because they’re not going to appreciate you doesn’t mean that nobody else does.”

“Eddie.”

Eddie pulls back and takes a breath before looking over at Buck.  There’s a look in Buck’s eyes like he’s trying to piece Eddie together like a puzzle, to work out all the things he hasn’t said.  And Eddie suddenly feels exposed, far more than he had when Buck was sitting in his childhood dining room staring down his own parents.  

“You’re a good man,” Eddie says quietly.  “They should hear that.  And...someone should be willing to defend it.”  

Buck’s quiet for a moment.

“I have to go see Maddie,” he says finally.  “But maybe I could come by later?  And we could...talk?”

“You don’t have to ask, Buck,” Eddie replies.  “You know I—”  I always want you.  “—you’re always welcome.”

Buck watches him in silence for another long moment, then nods.  “Okay.  Okay, I’ll see you later then.”

It’s hours before there’s a knock on the door.  Hours in which Eddie burns dinner and then orders takeout because he’s too busy thinking, hours that he spends trapped in his own head, thinking through all the worst case scenarios, through every what if of how things could go wrong.

But also how they could go right.

And by the time he opens the door, he’s almost ready to just let the words trip off his tongue, but before he can, Buck says—

“Please don’t tell me I’m wrong about this.”

—and kisses him.

Eddie freezes, but before Buck can pull back, he slides a hand around the back of Buck’s neck and kisses him back with everything in him—every bit of thank god you’re alive and I was so afraid and I can’t lose you that he can muster.  By the time Buck pulls away, they’re both breathless. 

“I’m in love with you,” Buck admits.  “I’ve been—”

“Me too,” Eddie replies.  “I thought—I thought you were—”

Buck kisses him again.

“I can’t believe you told off my parents.”

“Well, you told off mine, so—”

Eddie pulls Buck through the door.

“Chris is in his room,” he says quietly.  “But...you should stay for dinner.  And…”

You should stay.  Just stay.

Buck does.  

[izzyinarchive]

discussing the final season of carmen sandiego

*spoilers* umm....so yeah, i finished watching carmen sandiego, and i’m left in a state of perpetual sadness and despair. i feel like the ending of the show wrapped up wayyy too fast, and kind of left off on a bit of an unsatisfactory note for some of the characters. although i love the large and diverse cast of carmen sandiego, one of the drawbacks of having all those characters and arcs and storylines makes it harder to cram in a satisfying conclusion for everyone in a twenty-minute episode. so here’s what i would do if there was more time. 

let’s start off with the threads that i think were tied off pretty well: 

julia & chase devineaux: i wasn’t really a shipper of julia and devineaux but i actually really enjoyed their relationship throughout season 4. we see a lot of character growth from devineaux in the way that he interacts with julia and the world. julia pushes devineaux to become a better person, to see things with a broader perspective and from other people’s points of view. and he does really change a lot into an understanding person instead of the overconfident, arrogant detective we first saw him as in season 1. in addition, he also grows to respect julia as a person and partner, and it’s completely adorable how he looks at her while zari tells julia that they’ll follow her lead. also i love how he keeps wearing his lucky cat jacket from san francisco in season 4.  

el topo & le chevre: okay, i was pretty much shipping these two the minute they showed up on the screen together. you can tell how much they care about each other throughout the series. whenever one of them gets hurt, you can really see how they prioritize each other over whatever thing vile is planning. when things are good, they’re so sweet and they have so much fun together. and they take dumb cute selfies. they’re so, so adorable, and this season definitely brings the shipping fodder. and they end the season moving on from vile and running a food truck together. the only thing i’m mad about is that we definitely needed more screen time from them. 

shadowsan: i didn’t like shadowsan in season 1 but over the course of the series he really went through a lot of major character development and i love how he’s now basically a grumpy dad figure to carmen. the season ends with him finally reuniting for good with his brother in japan, and it’s a satisfying conclusion for his arc. i also love how he was the one to help carmen in the finale when she’s struggling with the brainwashing thing. which is way better than the brainwashing being resolved by some bs like true love’s kiss. (also carmen and gray are way too hurt and they’re super not ready for a relationship.)  carmen sandiego is a show that emphasizes the importance of family with this father-daughter duo, and i think that’s something really valuable. also i’m interpreting that shadowsan isn’t permanently moving to japan, but rather just visiting his brother. he’s still definitely going to be there for carmen going forward when she needs him. 

player & carmen’s friendship: i love this show for having a male/female friendship with absolutely no romantic feelings going on. it’s a solid friendship, and depicts a wholesome, supportive relationship. absolutely no qualms here.

and here’s all the stuff that needs expanding/fixing: 

tigress: i actually really love tigress as a character, and i personally think that there should have been more of her in the series. i would have liked to see more depth and motivation to her, since she has a lot of character potential. i don’t really know how i would rewrite tigress’s arc, because it’s virtually nonexistent and there’s not too much to go off of. i don’t think she needs a redemption arc, but i would give her more of a spotlight. (also low key fictional-crushing on her.) i would like to include sort of a tigress-centric episode, which can also generally be more expansion on the inner workings of vile.

cleo & saira: villain couple. villain couple. they need to be a villain couple, enough said. i would rewrite season 4 to have include an emotional downbeat moment in which saira struggles with being able to fit in with society and humans and being completely awkward at it while cleo, in all her regal and ettiquite-esque manners, tries to help. this wouldn’t really help with the main plot, but it would be humanizing and provide character depth. i feel like this could be the b-plot in the tigress episode somehow. 

coach brunt: you don’t betray family. at this point, coach brunt has lost the daughter she raised, who, in her mind, has basically backstabbed her entirely. coach brunt was also betrayed by shadowsan and left for the police to find, and in season 4, malestrom basically abandons her to drown. and it’s highly likely that somewhere in her backstory she’s been betrayed many times, likely by her own blood family, which would provide context for why she’s such a loyal person to vile, who she thinks of as her found family. in rewriting season four, i’m adding one extra episode that’s solely on the backstory of coach brunt. in this episode, we would explore brunt’s upbringing and the first time she is betrayed by someone she considers family. in my opinion, coach brunt was likely pushed to fall by another influence, but she also makes the conscious choice to choose revenge over moving on. potentially, we could also explore brunt’s budding friendship with the mechanic, who we never see again after that one episode, as well as a reflection upon this from her adult self. 

gray & the freaking mind control thing & his moral struggles: *sighs* i can see what the show is going for, but i really just don’t see it in the execution. the way that gray struggles with morality is like it’s an on and off switch. he’s either graham, basic civilian, or crackle, basically evil. in that one episode, he flip flops between being overly heroic, even taking out time from his day to specifically track down a random kid to return his wallet instead of just dropping it off at the police station or leaving it where he found it. and then the flip side is like he’s just robotically relapsing into stealing mode, where he just suddenly has to impluse to steal literally anything. i feel like this flip flop wasn’t really a good portrayal of his struggle and didn’t really demonstrate many active choices made by him. and the way that he’s just like “i’m actually just evil” when he confronts carmen at the lab is just super one-dimensional. i just don’t buy it that he flips to vile so quickly in the span of a few episodes. i feel like there should have been more active reflecting and the decision should have been dragged out longer. 

also it’s revealed in the finale that gray also changed his crackle rod to not go beyond a stun, and i think this was a nice touch, because it demonstrates his aversion to murder, which calls back to the first caper, in which he’s confronted with killing the archeologist at the excavation site. but he doesn’t end up having to make that choice, because carmen stops him. but this time, it’s his own choice to take that step away from vile ideals. i don’t think gray is ever going to be a “hero” of the traditional sense or have a complete redemption arc, because it just doesn’t fit him. to be honest, i don’t know what the future will hold for gray, but i definitely think of he will fall somewhere along the lines of red x (teen titans) or catwoman’s (in certain comic runs) gray morality. (and i think the way gray returns to vile kind of screws this up.) he’s still going to steal stuff sometimes probably, but he’s not going to straight up murder people. he would probably be the type to work for himself alone mostly, but be okay teaming up with the good guys sometimes. definitely no joining evil organizations tho. 

gray & carmen & the “i know you’re in there somewhere fight:” i definitely ship these two, but i think they’ve got a long way to go before they’re really ready to admit their feelings for each other. i’m happy that the “i know you’re in there somewhere fight” didn’t culminate in a kiss scene being the thing that snapped carmen out of the trance. because that is just so cliche and not the message of the show. instead, it’s shadowsan who does. and that makes sense going along with the themes of family. i think the issue with this i dislike how there is no more elaboration after carmen supposedly kills gray. this is her best friend. i would imagine that the reaction would be greater, since he was also her friend and teammate during the months they were both working under vile. and then when carmen’s brainwashing wears off, she agonizes that she killed her best friend. but that’s it. the “i know you’re in there somewhere fight” is the last screen appearance of both of them together. then it’s directly cutting to taking down vile. there should have been a hospital scene where carmen rides with him in the ambulance and talks to him as he’s unconscious, and leaves behind a note for him to read when he’s awake. 

i just really think there should be a “heart to heart” scene somewhere in this finale where they confront their feelings (not romantic stuff, but more about like shared trauma at the hands of vile and their broken apart friendship). this could happen at that sydney cafe. both times carmen and gray go on a “date” she leaves him sitting there alone, bewlildered. i think the finale should include a scene of them leaving the cafe together and then walking away and waving to each other. this shows development in their relationship, and that they are now closer, but it also visually shows that they still have differences as they walk away with a sort of two toned kind of environment angle that shows the different paths they have chosen. (and carmen calls him gray. and he doesn’t correct her.) it’s more of a see you later, than a goodbye though. we’re also getting rid of that part of when gray says he doesn’t want to complicate carmen’s life in the hospital scene. instead, he’s going to ask for a sheet of paper on which he will write an indiscernible letter to carmen. (the same letter will be seen in at the carmen brand outerwear hq a few scenes later for continuity, but unopened at the time, as if carmen’s not yet ready to read it. i feel like both of them need to heal a bit on their own before they’re ready to reconnect. gray knows he has hurt carmen in the past but he also knows it will hurt her if he disappears without a trace, so he’s leaving her with the choice if she wants to see him again instead of making the choice for her.)

ivy & zach & found family: carmen leaves a note behind for ivy and zach and leaves to find her mother. i feel like this did not handle team red’s found family very well. basically, the whole show is setting up this importance of family, especially found family not blood family kind of narrative. vile blood runs in carmen’s veins but she chooses to do good and find her own family. ivy and zach both choose carmen, their found family, over their racing career. i think that they should have stuck together, and when carmen goes to find her mom, they would have been totally onboard dropping her off at the airport and saying a “see you soon” or actually driving her to carlotta valdez’s house in lydia (the car). i just don’t think that splitting them up via a note is really a satisfying conclusion to the whole found family aspect. and in that time skip carmen really should have stopped by to say hi to the zach and ivy and the acme squad instead of maintaining the air of mystery. that would have definitely pushed the family feel, instead of the mysterious loner archetype. 

that time skip thing: yeah, no. this part was completely not needed and unhelpful. instead, we’re going to have carmen hug her mother at the airport, and go to visit all of her friends and found family, especially shadowsan in japan and ivy and zach in presumably boston. and the time skip will be a few onths not two effing years. i think it’s natural for them to grow apart a bit and pursue their own personal goals in life after vile’s gone, but they’ll definitely be staying in touch and reconnecting and seeing each other pretty often. and lastly of all, carmen will meet gray at the cafe in sydney.

basically, this is how i would redo the episodes for season 4. 

episode 1: the beijing bullion caper. (this episode remains as is for the most part, i would like more expansion on lady doksu and shadowsan's past since it seems like their pasts are more tied together than is revealed)

episode 2: the big bad ivy caper. (this episode remains as is for the most part.)

episode 3: the robo caper. (the scenes in which carmen first meets the robot and ivy runs it over with a truck can stay the same. where we start to deviate is with gray’s story with a revised, more complex, and in depth view of his moral struggles. instead of being unaware largely as gray flops between graham/crackle, he’s going to be a lot more aware. he’s still going to rob the house, but instead it’s because he feels hopeless that since he was previously a criminal, that’s all he’s ever going to be. gray doesn’t want to be a civilian, and feels like the only thing that he can do instead is be a part of vile. however, when he sees carmen again, he’s going to realize that if she got out of vile, then that means he has a chance to get out of it too. gray comes to a crossroads of deciding between carmen and vile, good and evil. 

episode 4: this will be the episode that concentrates on tigress, with a cleo/saira b-plot. most of this episode will take place within vile, and give more insights on the workings of the organization. 

episode 5: the himalayan rescue caper. (this episode is going to get a real makeover. with the insertion of episode 4, this creates more actual space between the last time we see gray grappling with his big choices, which makes it feel like more time has passed. so it actually feels like he had more time to think. carmen’s still going to try to rescue gray, and the part with player can stay the same. as gray is manipulated by malestrom, i think this episode should further emphasize how vile manipulates their recruits and amp up the shittiness of how malestrom is acting. i think malestrom should say something along the lines indicating that vile is gray’s only family left, this is what he was born to do, he belongs with them, and make up a bunch of bullshit lies about carmen. malestrom will portray this stuff as the “truth” and then say something like “we told you to the full truth, while carmen was hiding your past from you. didn’t you say you wanted to piece together more of your past?” (which gray did express interest in a previous episode.) since more time has passed, malestrom will play the “if carmen wanted to rescue you, she would have done so already. she abandoned you.” card. of course, it’s not easy to get into a super advanced vile facility, so instead carmen’s going to be having more struggles with getting in, which is the real reason she’s taking a while.) i want to keep the scene where he says that his name is crackle, not gray and not graham. i think this scene is particularly painful because graham/crackle is kind representative of the two sides of good and evil that gray thinks he has to choose between. gray will accuse carmen of abandoning him, both in the present but demonstrating that he’s still hurt by the time when she first left vile, and all those times when she kept secrets from him and disappearing in sydney. carmen asks him to leave with her, but instead of him being like “i’m bad, and i was always a villain,” he’s just going to be hurt and feel manipulated and be so conflicted. i feel like gray would choose vile, but not because it’s where he belongs but because he’s afraid of being brainwashed again if he doesn’t agree and because he just wants to know the truth, which vile happened to tell him first (and carmen had been hiding it from him for a while). why would it make sense for gray to willingly side with vile because he’s “throughly bad?” actions speak louder than words, and it’s clear that he’s definitely not evil enough for vile. 

episode 6: the vile history caper. (we’re just going to keep this episode as is for the most part. but like more el topo and le chevre moments.) 

episode 7: this will be the coach brunt backstory episode, piggybacking off of her hurt feelings about maelstrom’s intended betrayal. 

episode 8: the egyptian decryption caper. (this one is just going to be as is for the most part. the cleaners kidnap carmen, but we’re going insert one more painstaking scene of gray learning of vile’s plan to kidnap carmen. he’s not going to know they are planning to brainwash her. he’s going to feel conflicted and try to protest, but then realizes that now that he’s stuck with vile, if he goes against them he’s probably going to get brainwashed himself. and the brainwashing was really traumatizing, so it’s understandable he’s really afraid of it happening to him again.)

episode 9: the viennese waltz caper. (mostly just keeping this episode as is, but more worrying gray scenes. i feel like he should have had a bigger reaction to seeing carmen so unlike her personality. carmen’s lack of empathy should have pushed himself to question if vile is really a healthy place for anyone if they’re so willing to brainwash his best friend in a greater capacity. i think gray should recognize how bad the situation is but he still won’t act upon it since he’s trapped in the nostalgia of their old squad and since he’s been abandoned by carmen before, he’s too afraid that reversing the brainwashing will result in a repeat of her leaving him again. and he’s still afraid of the brainwashing.) 

episode 10 + 11 + 12. the dark red caper. (yeah, this episode is kind of just way too quickly wrapped up. i’m going to expand this into a three parter so we have more time to focus on everyone. basically, we’re going to expand this for the angst. and because this is the last season and i need more content. i feel like we can follow the general plot trajectory but with more nuance and include the improvements i wrote above about the finale. absolutely pushing the found family trope to its limits, and less vagueness since there’s not going to be another season. oh yeah, and the scene when carmen fights shadowsan, i feel like they could have amped up the emotional stuff and make it as much as about him being her dad figure as the doll because #foundfamily. and also the extra time gives more space for all of that other stuff like endings for all the characters, and more team red found family, and a bit about the non-jailed vile operatives, and the acme team, and also maybe a little infrastructure rebuilding montage, and also that carmen and gray moment.)  

basically i just want a satisfying ending for gray, and i love him, and he can’t just stare out of the hospital bedroom and agree to stay out of her life while melancholy music plays. 

[youwontlikethisblog]

Nicolas Mora, un Amigo.

OKAY IT'S HAPPENING, NOBODY PANIC, ITS HAPPENING!

This scene is probably one of my favorite in the sequence of writing the romance of Armando and Betty and Betty isn't even involved in it(too much).

Here we are, two days before the new collection is launched, the day that the establishment of commercial pledge (I used google translate for that so I could be wrong but it's el establecimiento de prenda de comercio) over Eco Moda is let known to the banks. The night before Armando said he had a night of dogs, didn't sleep well and it was a terrible one. He told that to Betty without her even asking, all she asked is if he was alright.

As the day progresses Armando is seen in a slump, not his overly erratic and neurotic self but just down, one could say feeling the blues. Marcela picks up on this when she enters the office to let him know that she's on her way to pick up his parents from the airport and asks him if he's alright he smiles and tells her everything is fine.

The camera work then shows her leaving and Armando telling Mario that it pains him to know he is letting her down, in the background Betty's office is in view, we can see her sitting at her desk paying attention to what's going on. Armando continuedly stands in front of her office or beside it. Something I've noticed as the episodes go on. Almost as if he's trying to stay close to her, maybe it's because his desk is right next to her office and I'm reading too much into the cinemograph lol. But for the sake of this post lets say I'm not reading too much into this and that is in fact the reason they show us this. Not only because it gives us the sense that Armando's subconscious is trying to stay as close to Betty as possible without alerting him or the others in the room, but as established in a previous post, Betty offers comfort and brightness in otherwise cold and uncomfortable situations to him. It also allows us to see that Betty was very well aware of the situation, relationship, and feelings Armando has towards Marcela. She's aware, that though they have their ups and downs and that he cheats on her, that Armando does care for Marcela. She doesn't go into that relationship naïve and unaware of Armando's feelings.

Now Betty receives a call to let her know that Nicolas is downstairs waiting for her and she leaves the office. She isn't a part of this scene so much as just the beginning. Armando was waiting for her so they could leave to the banks when she tells him she's got to get the papers and he agrees.

This shows us the paranoia that Mario truly has and how manipulative he becomes towards his best friend, Armando. We get a very clear image of how and what Armando thinks of Nicolas up to this point.

Mario stops Betty from leaving and asks "Who brought them?" and Betty without hesitation, indicating that she has no reason to lie or withhold truth tells him "Nicolas, my friend." and Mario's paranoia shoots out of his eyes.

Betty and Armando had spoken about Nicolas before. Armando was aware of who Nicolas was, aware of his role in Betty's life and Terra Moda. He had no reason to be doubtful or mistrusting of him or Betty and that's what is so important to note from this scene because he wasn't paranoid. He wasn't mistrusting or afraid that Betty could take the company away from him. In this scene was see someone who is and the only one that is is Mario Calderon.

Mario then goes on to question Armando about Nicolas and Armando even defends him. He goes to say that he[Nicolas] is trust worthy, that he's always brought them the paper work and that Betty collaborates that. Mario's body language is uncomfortable, shifting on his feet, and eyes are very alert, studying Armando.

While Armando's manipulation is very noticeable, Mario's manipulation is very subtle because unlike Armando who doesn't really study people to exploit them, Mario does. He silently pays attention to peoples behavior, which makes him seem like he's detail oriented and caring but he uses this ability to find weaknesses in people and exploit them through paranoia and tactic. In other words, he's a true manipulator.

[Someone wrote a more detailed post about Mario's manipulation but I forgot who it was. ]

Now Armando's body language is really telling us he doesn't care and finds the conversations unnecessary but he's being defensive about Mario's questioning. Even his tone of voice and facial expressions lets us know that he isn't worried about Betty or Nicolas taking away his precious company, much less that that's even a thought in his head.

The following scenes are of Betty outside with Nicolas, the cuartel de feas and then Betty in Armando's office handing him the papers. Mario is sitting upright, not slouching like he normally does, his finger tips or on the edge of the desk as if holding onto it for dear life and Armando is contemplating the papers, his tone of voice is somber and defeated. The phone starts to ring and he glances once, twice, at his phone and then yells at Betty at the third ring "Are you going to pick that up?" and she rushes to her office.

This outburst once again lets us know that Armando wasn't worried, wasn't mistrusting, wasn't paranoid and wasn't even considering the idea that Betty could take the company away. Which lets us know once more who the paranoid individual was in that room. Armando was sure of the woman he was entrusting his company to. He had an unwavering trust in Betty and this needs to be noted for the following days because though Armando on his own had been working on his temper as we see that he doesn't yell at Betty as much as before, Armando has had moments of blurring lines of work and personal in a split of a second all of that changes.

His best friend then tells him that he should watch his tone and no longer yell at Betty because she is the proper owner of Eco Moda. Armando has this look of shock and disbelief, because it hits him that Betty is the company's owner and that neither him or his family are the proper owners of Eco Moda anymore. Which is a big deal to him as he mentioned just minutes before, that it pained him to let Marcela down and along with that it's letting his parents down and being a failure, which I've talked about him and failure before.

Once Betty returns to the office she lets them know it was a bank confirming their meeting and the camera shows us Mario standing up, with Armando in the background still contemplating the paper, as if he needed to study them to make sure they were in fact in his hands, and Betty following Mario's order so he can question her. He proceeds to ask her about the meeting she had with the lawyer. He asks if he[lawyer] recognized her or something, she tells him not at all. The frame shows us Betty in focus while Armando is the background blurry, still engrossed in the papers of the suit against Eco Moda until Betty mentions what the lawyer wanted to be paid(which is 10% of whatever the embrago is) and he finally looks up and seems more worried and concerned over that than anything Mario has insinuated and then we return to seeing a somber and sad Armando in the background because his precious is no longer his. Mario's behavior was shocked at first when he heard what the lawyer was asking but then calm and composed.

Betty then proceeds to inform them that the only problem is that now the process has begun and that at any moment the secretary of the jury was going to go to take inventory of everything Eco Moda has and Armando, as always, yells at her, then lowers his voice and talks at her, angerly so, but Mario stands there observing them. He watched then closely, as he has done in the past(which is why he often mocked and joked that there was love between Armando and Betty) and as Betty leaves, respectful but annoyed at Armando for raising his voice at her and treating her as if she were a fool, Mario tells him that what she said was true and that there was nothing they could do about it but the most important thing was for him not to yell at her and Armando's face and body language indicates that he is unfazed by that, or truly bothered by it.

He is more preoccupied with the seizure against Eco Moda than he is about yelling at Betty and his best friend telling him not to.

Armando then proceeds to go into Betty's office to talk to her and he has a heart to heart where he tells Betty that it was going to be a hard period for him and that she understood more than anyone what it meant to him and how hard of a decision it was for him to make and do what he was doing. The music is somber and intense, often used for Armando's heart to hearts. Betty tells him she understand his dedication to the company.

Armando starts to open up to her. He doesn't even do that with his best friend of his girlfriend. He begins to let her in, once more my boy is blurring them lines. As he is leaving her office Betty stops him and tells him that she knows he was giving her his company but she wanted him to know that it was in good hands and Armando's response is "I know, I know that Betty"(Just in case this isn't part of her day dream I want to add that this signifies that Armando does in fact truly trust Betty with the company and isn't paranoid and worried that she'll take it away. It lets us know that Armando has total complete faith and trust in her).

The next scene is a daydream of Betty's(tbh I'm a bit confused as I write this because what lets us know that it's a day dream is the change in music and Armando's over the top behavior but as the day dream ends and the music fades Betty is back behind her desk where she was as Armando was leaving her office).

Why did I say that these scenes were important to the plot of Betty and Armando's romance?

Because if you focus well Armando displays total trust in Betty and Nicolas. He displays no paranoia towards them and the only one that does is Mario who slowly begins to feed his paranoia to Armando.

As he tells him "Don't yell at her, treat her better, she's the owner now." and ect ect. THIS explains why Armando was easily manipulated but most of all that his behavior towards Nicolas and his mistrust towards him isn't based on the company but Betty.

What does this mean?

Though to some degree Armando is paranoid over the company because of Mario, his biggest fear isn't Nicolas taking the company but subconsciously, his biggest fear is Nicolas taking away Betty as the next day he finds out that Nicolas is Betty's platonic love that's when his behavior has a definitive change towards Nicolas and Betty.

Why does he have a change of heart by simply finding out that Betty could be in love with Nicolas? How does that affect Eco Moda? Mario doesn't feed the idea that Nicolas will take the company away and I'll do a post breaking down that scene once I get to it but I think it's important to note the change of heart Armando has by simply finding out that Nicolas could be Betty's boyfriend/love because before he wasn't worried or mistrusting of them.

Nicolas Mora, after all, was a friend of hers.

PS. Later Armando interrogates Betty against his will because of Mario and his paranoia and though he does become heated during the interrogation, you can tell by his body language that he didn't want to be questioning Betty's loyalty and trust and feels bad over it. Do with this information what you'd like :)

[noladyme]

La Cuervo - Chapter 3

She is used to the biker-life, having grown into a woman in the familiar embrace of SAMCRO. A bad decision and a gun-shot later, she gets whisked off to Santo Padre, and put under the protection of another club. What is supposed to be a short stint in the Mayan headquarters just north of the border to Mexico, turns into something more; when la quervo begins to develop feelings for el angel - and he seems to return them in kind...

TW: violence, blood, drug use, alcohol, smut, fluff, angst

In the spirit of "The Crown Princess of Charming", this is a story about O.C. Nina and Angel Reyes. It is obviously non-canon, as characters who have passed on on Mayans M.C. are present in it, and others have been excluded completely. Nina is written as a cis-female, but I have tried to keep her race and looks as ambigous as possible. Should you find any of this story offensive, please let me know.

3.

Bishop was standing outside the clubhouse, smoking a cigarette, when they rolled in. Nina got off the bike, feeling strangely like a teenager caught breaking curfew. She nodded at the president, and was about to move towards the trailer, when Angel grabbed her hand, and leaned in to kiss her cheek. “Thanks for… last night”, he said. “You too”, Nina said. He gave her a crooked smile, and was about to say something else, when Bishop called out for him. “Angel… Inside. We need to talk”. Angel nodded. “Daddy’s angry”, he muttered out of the corner of his mouth. “Yeah”, she replied, and Angel walked off.

“Yo, sweetheart!”, Bishop called after her, as she once again moved towards the trailer. Nina sighed, and turned to look at him. “I made a promise to Chibs. When you pull a stunt like this, you make it really fucking hard to keep that promise”. Angel halted behind his president, a confused look on his face. “I didn’t leave without a patch”, Nina replied. “Followed your rules”. Bishop narrowed his eyes at her. “His patch ain’t the one you should be worried about…”. Nina swallowed hard, and nodded; though slightly confused at his words. “Ok. Sorry”. Bishop’s expression softened. “Look, just… be careful, ok?”. Nina nodded, and he smirked slightly. “You know, you’re lucky I make him get tested every two weeks”. Angel frowned, and Nina chuckled; before finally turning around, and walking over to the trailer, letting herself inside.

She quickly got dressed in clean clothes. The heat hadn’t exactly waned, so Nina decided to switch jeans for shorts and a top. She reminded herself to ask someone about taking her to a laundromat; not having packed a lot. She’d been told to leave her small apartment at home in as normal a state as possible. In case someone did come looking for her, SAMCRO didn’t want to let them know she’d run. She picked up her jacket to hang it, and a shudder went through her body, as she fished her .38 out of the pocket. It felt heavier than it should, in spite of its smallness, and she felt bile rise in her throat. A hard knock on the door made her jolt, and she quickly hid the gun under her helmet; before she went over to open. EZ was standing outside, with a friendly smile on his face. “’Morning”, he said. “It is”, Nina replied. “I got breakfast-burritos in the clubhouse”, he offered. Nina shook her head with a smile. “You didn’t need to do that”. “I know what’s in my brother’s fridge. I doubt he fed you”, EZ grinned. “Come on”.

She followed the prospect back to the clubhouse, where EZ gestured for her to take a seat by a table. Nina noticed the ginger woman Coco had been spending time with the night before, was seated by the bar; legs crossed and tits pushed out, smiling at the biker, who was trying to ignore her, and focus on his game of pool with Gilly. EZ put a plate on the table in front of Nina, with a delicious smelling burrito. “Gabby… She’s a good cook”, he said, his voice adoring. Nina bit in to it, and couldn’t do anything but agree. “This is delicious. Tell her thanks”, she smiled.

The door to templo opened, and Bishop came out with Taza, Riz and Angel in tow. “She’s business, Angel. You treat her like any other business we have going on”, Bishop said, and walked over to the bar, accepting a beer from the girl behind it. “You wouldn’t shove your dick down the barrel of an mk47, would you?”, Taza asked. Angel stood with his back to Nina, not having noticed her. “It wouldn’t fit, anyway”, he shrugged. “Just, don’t complicate things”, Bishop said. “Bish, it ain’t like that”, Angel said. Bishop looked at him in disbelief. “We fucked, yeah; but…”. Taza noticed Nina watching them, and patted Angel’s shoulder. He turned around, and locked eyes with her; looking like a handsome deer caught in headlights.

Nina looked down, and chewed her lips. At least they were on the same page, she tried to convince herself. She didn’t know Angel from the next guy; all she did know, was that he was damn good in bed, and liked beers, babes and bikes. They’d had sex, that was it. Still, she couldn’t help but feel his words chafe a bit. There was a long moment of silence, before Nina decided to put Angel – and herself– out of their misery. “I was bored, and his shower has good pressure”, she said. Angel let out an embarrassed laugh, and shrugged, while his friends shook their heads, letting a roaring laughter fill the room.

Everyone went about their biker business, and Nina went back to her breakfast; having lost most of her appetite. She wrapped up the burrito, and pushed away the plate. A mug of coffee was set down in front of her, and she looked up to meet EZ’s apologetic eyes. “I’m… sorry, about that”, he muttered. “My brother… he’s a good guy, but…”. “I know how it is. Don’t worry about it”, she smiled in reply. “How is it, then?”, Angel asked, having walked over to them. EZ left them to it. “I got an itch scratched, and you got your dick wet. Life goes on”, Nina said. Angel made a labored sigh, and scratched his bearded chin. “Look, Nina. I’m…”. She got on her feet, and put a hand on his arm. “It’s fine, Angel. We’re good”, she smiled, and got on her toes, to kiss his cheek; doing her best to avoid enjoying his scent. “We had fun”. He chewed his lip for a moment. “Yeah, we had fun…”. Taza called for him, and Angel took a step back. “I gotta go take care of something. See you around, Nina”. He went off to talk to the VP.

Nina took a few sips of her coffee, before walking over to get behind the bar. She smiled friendlily at the blonde girl standing there – the same girl, in fact, that Angel had turned down the night before – who looked at her indifferently, and handed her a rag to wipe down the counter. This was familiar territory, and she smiled to herself, as she handed a pair of cold ones to Gilly and Coco; who’d finished their game, and came over to the bar. The redhead immediately pressed up against Coco, who looked like he wanted to dig himself into a deep hole. “Can I get you anything else, baby?”, she asked, making clear her intentions. “Nah, I’m good. Let me talk to my brothers for a moment, yeah?”, he replied. “Sure… I’m just gonna go fix my lipstick”, the woman winked at him, and walked towards the bathroom. “When’s the wedding?”, Gilly asked. “Fuck you”, Coco snarled, before nodding at Letty, who’d just walked in the door – looking hungover. “I can’t get her to leave”. “Who?”, Letty asked, and accepted a coke from Nina. “Just some chick. I told her the deal, but it’s like she didn’t hear me”, Coco said.

Letty rolled her eyes, and gave the woman a once over, as she came back from the bathroom. When she was once again pressed against Coco – who was looking more and more uncomfortable by the second – Letty took pity on him, and walked over to the pair; putting her head on Coco’s shoulder. “Are you my new mommy?”, she smiled innocently at the ginger; who froze in place. Suddenly, it was like she couldn’t get out of there fast enough. “Sorry, I gotta go”, she muttered, and scuttered of in haste. Coco smiled crookedly, and shook his head. “You’re crazy, mija”, he said. “Nah, I just don’t want a stepmom, who wears that shade of lipstick”, Letty said, and went back to her coke.

Bishop cleared his throat. “Well, if everyone’s got their dicks back in their pants, we got some business to tend to”, he said. The Mayans all scattered, and went to their respective jobs around the yard, and wherever else they went, when they did their business.

---

Nina spent the rest of the day getting her bearings around the scrap-yard, and its office. Chucky’s filing-system might have seemed chaotic to anyone else, but Nina knew it well, and was happy to be occupied with something other than thinking about a certain Mayan and his well-shaped body – especially how it looked naked. A gorgeous Latina girl showed up in the afternoon, carrying a fantastic smelling bag of Tupperware, and looking for EZ; and Nina was finally introduced to the person who had made her delicious breakfast. She immediately understood why EZ was smitten with Gabby, and couldn’t help but smile at the sight of the two of them dancing around each other like a pair of puppies in love. They took off after an hour or so, so EZ could drive Gabriella home. He returned with the largest smile she’d ever seen on anyone’s face, and went straight to work on a road king in the garage.

During dinner, feasting on Gabby’s delicious tamales with EZ, Nina asked about laundromats. “There’s one, but there’s only one functioning dryer, and it smells like feet”, EZ said. “I can wait a few days, but I still need to go at some point”, Nina said. “And I need to get a prescription filled. That’s kind of urgent”. Her inhaler was almost empty, she’d realized that morning. A roar of bikes came from outside, and Nina got on her feet, taking the plates to wash them behind the bar. EZ followed her, nodding at Bishop, Riz and Angel, as they entered the clubhouse. “Drug-stores round here are closed at this time of night, but I’ll ask Bishop if I can take you in the morning”, he said. Nina groaned, and looked out the corner of her eye at the president. “It’s like needing a fucking hall-pass if I even think about leaving this place”, she muttered. EZ chuckled, and wiped off the plates after she’d washed them. “Yeah, why is that? Are you on the run from the cops or something?”. Nina looked down at her hands, suddenly feeling the need to wash them thoroughly. Scrubbing them hard under the tap, she shrugged indifferently. “Chibs is just protective, I guess. And I hear this area is overrun by outlaw bikers”. “You know it!”, Riz exclaimed, having arrived at the counter with Angel. “Coffee, please; sweetheart. I’m gonna be spending the night prepping for the run tomorrow”. Nina poured Riz a mug, and looked at Angel. “Dos Equis”, he said, his demeanor cool. Nina served him the beer, avoiding eye-contact.

“Do you need me for the run tomorrow?”, EZ asked. “No. Why?”, Riz asked. “Nina needs to take care of some stuff in town, and I was gonna take her”. Angel took a sip of his beer, and looked between Nina and EZ. “What stuff?”, he said with an edge to his voice. EZ scoffed, and shook his head. “Bro, come on…”, he said. Riz raised his brows, and backed away from the counter; obviously uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was taking. “The drug-store, Angel. And then we might go have an orgy; I haven’t decided yet”, Nina said sarcastically. Angel raised his hands in mock defeat. “Hey, Bish told us to look out for you. I’m just keeping my eyes on business here”. “Yeah… I’m gonna turn in. See you tomorrow, EZ”. The prospect looked at her apologetically. “I’ll talk to Bishop”, he said. Nina nodded, and walked towards the door.

A strong hand grabbed her lower arm before she could walk outside. Nina scowled up at Angel, who looked remorsefully at her. “I’m sorry, Nina. That was shitty of me”, he said. “Don’t worry about it. You should be sorrier about suggesting that your brother would cheat on his girlfriend”, she replied. Angel looked back at EZ, and nodded solemnly. “Yeah. I know”, he muttered. “Are we good, cuervo?”. “Of course”, Nina said. “Goodnight, Angel”. She pulled out of his grasp, and left the clubhouse.

---

The next day, Taza, Riz, Creeper, Angel and Coco got on their bikes, and in a van, to go north for the SAMCRO-delivery. “Say hi to Rat and Quinn for me, would you?”, Nina said from the porch, unable to hide the sadness in her voice. “Will do”, Taza promised, and started his bike. “Let’s not keep reaper waiting”. Angel sent Nina a slight smile, before Coco patted his shoulder to make him start the van.

EZ had managed to convince Bishop of the urgency of Nina’s drug-store run, and after helping out at the office for a few hours, she got on the back of his bike, to have him take her in to town. Angel had lied about his brother’s ability to ride with a passenger – a fact that didn’t surprise Nina, by the way – because he was probably the safest driver she’d ever ridden with. Overly safe, some might say. The prospect avoided every bump, and kept well bellow the speed-limit all the way.

After Nina had used her fake ID – No paper trail, luv, Filip had said – to get her new inhaler, EZ asked if she’d be ok with a short stop by his pap’s. Nina couldn’t say no to meeting the elder Reyes; curious to see what kind of man had sired two such different men. Seeing Gabriella behind the counter of Felipe Reyes’ butcher-shop, Nina understood the prospect’s real reason for wanting to visit his father; though there was no lack of love between him and Felipe, that much was evident by the way they looked at each other.

“She’s playing pop-music again, Ezekiel”, Felipe said, gesturing at a small stereo that was blaring the charts, as he came over to greet his son. “Amas mi musica”, Gabby grinned. “Hi, Nina”. “Hey, Gabby. Thanks for all the food!”, Nina replied with a smile. “You’re welcome”. After EZ had kissed his girlfriend’s cheek, he gestured towards Nina. “Pap, this is Nina. She’s new in town”. Felipe shook Nina’s hand. “Is my boy giving you a tour of the potholes?”, he asked. “No, he’s the most boring biker I’ve ever ridden with”, she replied with a smile, getting a guffawing laughter from the man. “See, EZ? I told you!”, Gabby grinned. “Hey!”, EZ laughed. “I’m just safe”. “Boring!”, Gabby said.

As EZ and Gabriella went to whisper sweet nothings behind the counter, Nina went to examine the bookcase Felipe had exhibited in his shop. “Looking for some light reading?”, Felipe asked. “Always… And, giving the lovebirds some space”, Nina replied, and looked towards the smiling pair behind the counter. She picked up a picture of two smiling boys, each on a bicycle; smiling proudly at the camera. For a second, she felt a sting in her heart. “That’s EZ”, Felipe said, and pointed at the smaller boy. “And the other one is my eldest”. “Angel”, Nina said. Felipe chuckled. “You’ve met him”, he said. “I’m staying at the scrapyard”, she replied. Felipe raised a brow at her. “You’re the one who has EZ sleeping on my couch”. Nina felt her cheeks beginning to burn, and put down the picture again. “Yeah, I’m… sorry”, she said. “Don’t be. It’s good to have him home at least some of the time. That… club, takes up a lot of his time”. Nina chewed her lips for a moment. “You don’t like the club”, she said. Felipe met her eyes for a second, looking tired suddenly. “Sorry, it’s not my place”, she muttered. “No… No, it’s alright”, he said, a smile forcing it’s way onto his face. “I suppose all parents have higher hopes for their children, than…”. “Riding around on motorbikes, and wearing leather in the 100 degrees desert sun?”, Nina said, returning his smile. “That too”, Felipe said. “Are you what they call a… hangaround?”. Nina’s jaw almost dropped to the floor. “Pap, that’s rude”, EZ said, having joined them by the bookcase. “I’m sorry, Nina. I’m not clear on the lingo”, Felipe said. Nina laughed heartily. “It’s fine. Really”, she said. “I guess I am. Sort of. It’s a long story”.

EZ put a hand on Nina’s shoulder. “Angel called. They’re on their way back. We should get back to the yard”. Nina nodded, and went to follow him to the door. “Come back some time if you need something to read”, Felipe said. “Or a steak”. “I might take you up on that”, Nina smiled, and followed EZ out to his bike.

They rode back to the yard; this time with EZ hitting a few bumps on the way there.

---

The Mayans that had gone on the run returned to the clubhouse shortly after Nina and EZ. She got right to work behind the bar. It was easy to fall in line as a club hangaround; Nina knew the deal. Serve the beer, keep out of the way, smile, and pretend like you don’t hear or see any of the illegal stuff going on. Her role also made it easier to avoid eye contact with Angel. She was, for lack of a better word, furniture. It hadn’t been completely the same in Charming, though. There, she’d been far from the regular hangaround, and her status as family made it near impossible for her to be a croweater – god knows, Juice had tried, in his day. The memory of the biker made her frown in sadness for a second, before she shook herself, and served a round of whiskey to a Riz, Creeper and Angel; accepting a shot herself.

“Oh yeah. That scrawny guy, Rat, brought something you forgot at their clubhouse”, Riz said. He handed her a leather-bound journal. Nina sighed when she took it from him. She hadn’t as much forgotten it, as left it behind; telling herself it was by accident. Opening it was always a strange mix of warm emotions and pain. “Thanks”, she muttered. “Is it a diary, or something?”, Creeper asked. “It’s… yeah, something like that”. “Yours? Like; dear diary. Today I drank too much tequila, and lost my panties…”, he jeered. Getting a little tired of Creepers attitude, she smirked at him. “More like; dear diary. Today, a stupid ass biker kept bringing up an embarrassing drunk-story; so, I shot him in the head…”. Her heart dropped as she said the final words, and she cleared her throat. Riz and Creeper laughed at what they found to be a great come-back, while Angel seemed less amused, as he examined her face. She gave them all a strained smile. “I’m gonna go get some air. Leave you gentlemen to it”, she said, grabbed the journal, a cigarette and a lighter, and hurried out of the clubhouse.

Once outside, she went over to the cage she’d been told the club settled their internal arguments in. It was cooler now, and the sky was full of stars. She went inside the cage, and sat down on the ground; lighting her cigarette, before opening the journal. For a long moment, she just sat there, looking at the picture fastened to the inside of it; of two young boys, smiling. The youngest one was sitting on the back of a pony, that the older one was holding the reins of.

“You want me to kick Creep’s ass for you?”. Nina looked up at Angel, who’d followed her outside. He stepped inside the cage, and leaned against the fence. “I’ll fuck him up. I don’t care if he is a brother”. “No, it’s fine. He was just joking around”, Nina replied. Angel sauntered towards her slowly. “He’s trying to get in your pants, querida”, he said. “Well, add enough tequila to the equation, maybe he’s got a shot”. She raised a brow at the tall biker. “Ouch… Moving on so soon, cuervo?”, Angel said with a slight smile. “Jealous?”, she teased. “Always”, he replied – exactly as she’d hoped – and sat down next to her.

For a long moment, all that could be heard was the sound of cicadas. Angel ran a finger over the picture of Abel and Thomas. “These your kids?”, he asked quietly. “No… But, they’re family. Sort of”, Nina replied. “You got kids?”. “I fucking hope not”, Angel grinned. “I’d just screw them up”. “You’re not so bad”, she said, and nudged him with her shoulder. “Mind telling my pap that?”. Nina raised a brow at him, not wanting to push him to talk about something he wasn’t comfortable with. He took the journal out of her hands, and looked at the two smiling boys in the picture. “Family, you know. Shit… My old man looks at EZ like he’s the sun and moon combined. Me… I’m the fuckup. Even more now, that I dragged his golden boy in to the club”. “EZ’s a big boy. He makes his own decisions… we all do, at the end of the day”, Nina said, and took back the journal. She took a few huffs of her cigarette. “You look at him that way too, you know”. “I do?”, Angel frowned. “Fuck, I hope he hasn’t noticed”. “It’s not wrong to be proud of someone worthy of it. And in spite of your… bad-boy demeanor, he seems to be proud of you as well”.

Angel pondered her words for a moment, before looking at her “Sorry, I was supposed to make you feel better. That’s why I came out here. I saw how you looked when Creeper was talking about that thing”, he said, and nodded towards the journal. “It’s ok”, Nina said, and closed it; hugging it against her chest. “I’m just protective of it, is all”. “Like with the helmet?”, he asked. Nina nodded. “You wanna tell me about it?”. “What?”, she whispered. “Those kids… Whoever you got that helmet from… Why we’re sitting on you here, like you’re under witness protection or something…?”. He nudged her shoulder like she had his, and smiled a little. His expression was warm, like he actually cared about what she had to say. The closeness between them felt dangerous, at the same time as it felt perfectly safe, and right.

Nina took a breath, and was about to shrug him of – give him some half story, about being friendly with SAMCRO – when she met Angel’s eyes. His gaze was earnest; trustworthy, even. “The helmet used to belong to my… someone I used to be really close to. Those are his kids in the picture…”, she said. “I’m holding on to this until they get older. He asked me to give it to them when they're old enough to read it”. “And he died?”, Angel said. “Crashed his bike into an oncoming truck…”, she said. “Shit… I’m sorry. Who was he to you?”. Nina sighed, and smiled softly. “The sun and moon combined”, she said. “Your brother?”, Angel asked confusedly. “Not biologically”, Nina chuckled. “But he took care of me. Treated me like a sister. After he died, the club still kept me close, like family”. “So, you have a whole club of family back in Charming. Why leave?”, Angel asked. Nina’s throat instantly went dry, and she looked at the ground. “A bad break-up”, she replied, her voice breaking. “I needed a fresh start”. Angel didn’t question her; merely seemed to accept her words for truth, and moved on.

They sat in silence for a moment longer, before he suddenly looked like he was beginning to put two and two together. “Your… brother. He was SAMCRO…”. She nodded. “And he crashed headfirst into a truck”. “Yeah…”, Nina whispered, the air thick with the truth being exposed. “Holy shit… I fucked Jackson Teller’s baby sis!”, Angel exclaimed. Nina felt her stomach churn at his words. “That’s like… royalty! I should get my dick silvered or something”. Nina stubbed out her cigarette. “If he was still around, he’d probably do it himself; while it was still attached to you”. Angel winced. “Shit, yeah. That man had a reputation. He was like the boogeyman to Mayan prospects in my day. I heard that one time, he shot a guy in both legs for pinching some hangaround chick’s ass”. “He didn’t shoot him, he just broke all his fingers”, Nina muttered. Angel’s eyes widened. “That was your ass, huh…”, he said, more as a statement, than a question. “It wasn’t Chucky, was it? Is that why he’s got those…”. He wiggled his fingers in the air. “No… That was something else…”, Nina replied. “Jax wasn’t just that, though. He was a good man”. Angel nodded. “Yeah, I heard that, too”. He studied her face for a long moment. “You loved him”, he said, finally. “Like, loved him”. Nina looked confusedly at him, before she caught his meaning. “What? No…! He was family. Just that”, she replied truthfully. Angel smiled crookedly. “Good. It ain’t easy fighting a ghost over a girl”, he said.

Nina felt a smile tug at her lips, but wasn’t ready to be sweet-talked by the guy who’d openly admitted she was a one-night stand, just the day before. “I thought we agreed what this was…”, she said. “Did we? I didn’t agree to anything”. He raised his brows at her, and smiled wryly. “What happened to consent?”. “That’s not how that works”, Nina laughed. “Let’s agree to disagree about that, ma'”, Angel said. Nina sighed deeply. “You told Bishop; we fucked, yeah. But… “. Angel looked taken aback. “Are you like my brother or something? Do you remember everything?”. “I remember that”, Nina said, a slight edge to her voice. Angel frowned at her. “You never considered maybe I was about to say; we fucked, yeah. But I like this girl? Or; this girl is different?”. “You were probably about to say; she gives good head”, Nina scoffed. “You don’t know me well enough to like me, or think I’m special”. “We could change that”, Angel said. “Spend some time together… I get that you’re just passing through, and that you kind of belong to another club, because of this thing with Teller, but…”.

Nina felt a sudden rage bubble through her. “I’m not a goddamn trophy!”, she hissed. “You don’t get to use me like some big fuck you to SAMCRO, for tapping one of their girls. Fuck that!” “That’s not what I’m saying", Angel said. Nina got to her feet and backed away from him. Her breath was catching, and she felt an oncoming asthma-attack. She often got them when got upset, but couldn’t find it in herself to calm down. “Don’t try to bullshit me. I know guys like you; measuring your pride in the amount of pussy you can get to climb on the back of your bike”. She didn’t realize the harshness of her words, before she saw Angel’s expression. He got on his feet himself, and looked at her with hard eyes. “You should be careful sitting out here, Nina" he said, and looked at the cage-fence surrounding them. “Someone might thing you’re gunning for a fight". While Nina stood frozen in place, he walked out of the cage, and got on his bike; driving out of the lot.

“Fuck!”, she growled at herself, and stumbled towards the trailer. Once inside, she scrambled to find her inhaler, and took a hit; feeling her lungs return to normal function. “Fuck…”, she repeated, and collapsed on the cot; clutching the journal in her arms.

---

[kinsey3furry300]

5 ships I hate, why I hate them, how to (kinda) fix them, the better ships you should be doing in that universe, and why you should ignore me and keep writing them if it makes you happy.

Note: this is done for amusement, please don’t be offended; I’m not attacking your ship, I’m just listing some ships I do not always care for, and how I think they could be improved, and maybe made brilliant, by clever writing.

In no particular order, and focusing on ships that often annoy me, with no attempt by me to say anything meaningful or popular about the current state of any particular fandom. I’m also a firm believer in the idea that there’s no such thing as a bad ship, only a badly executed ship, so my objections to these is less a dislike of shipping, or the paring, and more that they raise writing issues that I think are difficult to fix in a satisfying way. That’s why in a lot of the examples below I prefer AU ships to ones that try to messily work it into the cannon. Anyway, enjoy... I guess?

 Marco x / anyone (Animorphs)

Why I hate it: Animrophs is an intensely character-driven story, where the tension of each book comes from the conflicts, external and internal, that the five Animrophs (and Ax) face during a long, hard, traumatic war.  And while several of the character are paired off romantically, it’s always to emphasise character conflict over their different points of view. Jake and Cassie are a pair because Jake’s struggle with having to make hard, grey, morally ambiguous choices as leader is highlighted by Cassie’s burning need to make the right choice, the lesser evil, the choice that leaves some small shred of humanity and dignity and kindness left in this bleak world. Tobias and Rachel are a pair as their arcs deal with literal and figurative loss of humanity, as the slow accumulation of trauma over time turns these happy(ish), normal kids into psychologically ruined husks of their former selves and destroys them slowly, one fight at a time.

Marco’s arc, isn’t about either of these things: Marco’s arc, is about the bright, clear line between A and B, between problem and solution. Marco is a utilitarian, a pragmatist: his concern isn’t the burden of leadership, or the cost of the decision, but about how to put that all aside and make hard decisions that actually work regardless of cost. It’s not about what to do, the path is obvious: the bright, clear line of ruthless logic, but how to do it. His match, his counterpoint, the other character who’s all about the logic of taking awful decision in a way that actually works for the team, and his foil, his female counterpart in this, is not a romantic partner, but his mother: Visser one, making the exact same hard, difficulty ruthless decisions using logic and maths, but for the other side of this war. A romantic paring gets in the way of this arc because a partner doesn’t help him with that bright, clear line, and worse, any attempt to pair him of with either Rachel or Cassie breaks up not only a cannon paring, but their respective character arc.

How to (kinda) fix this: Marco’s arc is, at the end of the day, a trolly problem. So make sure whoever you ship him with is one of the people tied to the tracks. Introduce a character he crushes on, and then in the second act reveal that they are either a Controller, or in the family of a Controller or the proximity of the target of their next mission in a way that will make them collateral damage ,and let Marco struggle with what happens when that bright, clear logical line from A to B cuts through someone he actually loves; you know, like it did with his mother. See, even trying to fix this ship is weirdly Freudian.

The far better ship you should be doing: Ax x / EVERYONE. Ax in human form is described as a worryingly pretty, worryingly androgynous male of indeterminate race. He is a literally Bishonen alien hedonist with no familiarity with human senses, poor impulse control in human form, and no knowledge or understanding of human courtship rituals, and he can shape-shift, including into other members of the core team if needed to compel a mission, he calls Jake his prince,  and he is incredibly close to Tobias, the lonely outcast woobie that the LGBT fans adopted as their poster boy. Come on, the potential for shipping, both with wacky hijinks and sad, tragic star-crossed lovers’ trope is endless. Every line dedicated to Marco shipping is a line of text that could be dedicated to Ax trying to eat a Cinnabon erotically on his first date as a human and hulking out mid way because he forgot just how good they are. What could be better than him leaning into to erotically kiss a team-mate, and then fucking up due to his failure to understand human mouths, making weird mouth sounds, and then licking crumbs of the table in the middle of the mall, in front of the entire school, while his crush awkwardly tried to pretend this is normal? What’s wrong with you Marco-shipper people, do you hate fun?

 Riz/Tem (beastars) Why I hate this ship: Okay, just to quickly ask a question, to people who un-ironically like this as a serious ship and not a dark joke, just one little question: What’s wrong with you? I mean,are you okay? Keep taking the meds: the show is VERY clear on that point.

It’s like those people who say Joker X Harley Quinn is their ideal dark, edgy relationship: no it’s not, it’s abusive! Morticia x Gomez is dark and cool but CONSENTUAL and HEALTHY. This… this is a deeply imbalanced person murdering someone and telling themselves after that fact it was special and rare and magical. ITS HOMICIDE! And even if you write that out (and you shouldn’t, because that changes the character arc of every other major character) it’s still got more red flags that a soviet military parade. This is the botulinum of a toxic, one-sided teenage infatuation. Riz’s entire arc is about how he projects his thoughts and feelings about himself onto this idealised, made-up version of his and Tem’s relationship which, from Tem’s point of view, never existed. Riz never loved Tem: he loved the idea of Tem, the idea that someone would see the real him, see his inner pain and accept him anyway, but he never once told Tem this. He didn’t warn him “Hey, because of you I don’t feel I need my meds any more, do you mind if I try not taking them and we can meet and talk about this in a safe, well-lit pace?” He’s not honest with Tem, and on top of that It doesn’t make sense from the point of view of either of the characters for them to be actually, romantically in love (although  they were clearly close friends), because it undermines and cheepens Riz desire to just be seen and accepted for his real self, and the cannon Tem X Els ship. It also doesn’t make sense from a story point of view: Riz is a shadow archetype for Legosi. He’s what Legosi would have become if someone hadn’t interrupted his attack on Haru. That’s why Legosi needs to beat Riz with his own hands: because then he’s beating the darker version of himself he’s been carrying with him, and he can finally move on with Haru guilt-free. Having Riz and Tem’s relationship actually be what Riz imagined it to be undoes that. It undoes Riz’s interesting, dark inner struggle between truth and fantasy, it turns Tem’s tragic, unsolved murder that sets the entire story in motion into a just sort of weird Romeo-and Juliet suicide. It’s ruins the character arc not only for Riz, but for Legosi, and also, by extension, Louis and Haru, because Legosi’s internal angst over whether or not herbivores and carnivores can have a relationship as true friends needs this example of a tragic, flawed, toxic, failed friendship to bounce off of.

How it could (sort of) work: an AU where Riz’s attack on Tem is interrupted and Tem lives with a slight arm injury, and doesn’t tell anyone out of his complex feelings for Riz. Meanwhile, that bunny girl from the gardening club had been brutally devoured and Rz and/or Tem are so horrified with how close this was to their own near-miss, they start to investigate the murder, and in doing so get caught up in Louis’ inner struggle. Because that’s how the story needs to work, it’s about duality and struggle: and if Riz takes Legosi’s role, and by dating a herbivore he de facto takes the role, so Legosi must take Riz’s. This could be a great AU!

The better ship you should be doing: Pina/Riz (with a dash of Pina x Els), no, seriously, I’m not shitposting. You want to give Riz a redemption arc with a cute woolly boy? How about a story where Pina, out of a need for closure about at happened to him, starts to visit Riz in jail and they talk, mockingly at first, confrontational at first, but later Pina slowly becoming more fascinated in Riz and Tem’s life and asking Riz for more and more detail until they both bond over their shared traumatic experiences and their sense of loss for Tem’s senseless death, Tem’s unfished life casting a shadow over both off them. Eventually, the two of them find, from Legosi who still has the diary, that Tem had planned out an elaborate and beautiful first date with Els that he never got to take her on, and Riz, guilt ridden and sad than Tem never got this beautiful moment, decides to ask Pina take her on that date for Tem, with Riz coaching him by phone cyano-de-Bergerac style, Riz finally getting some closure that he helped one of Tem’s wishes come true and finally acknowledging to himself that Tem had a life and loves outside of him that were cut of short by his actions, and just crying over his lost friend, as Pina and Els slow-dance in Tem memory. Or if you just want to see Tem awkwardly date a carnivore boy from school, why not something less creepy and more wholesome and ship him with Jack? That would be cute AF, and more importantly, not romanticize brutal murder. Or an AU where everything is happy and nice, I’d argue at that it’s no longer Beastars at that point, but if it makes you happy, go for it. Let’s not shame anyone here.

 Snape X Lilly (Harry Potter)

Why I hate this ship: honestly, it’s not for the reason you think; I just like Snape too much as a tragic character, and making him in any way happy destroys his arc in my opinion.  The objection’s others have raised: that Snape acts in a worryingly possessive stalker-ish way towards Lilly, and that if Voldemort had gone for Nevil rather than Harry as a child Snape would have remained a loyal death eater, are true and I acknowledge them as having some validity, but that’s not why I can’t stand this ship. Snape is supposed to be a morally and emotionally complex, tragic figure. That “After all this time?” line was the best line in the Deathly Hallows.  Snape is supposed to show the equality destructive and redemptive power of  love. It’s sort of trinity: Lilly shows the pure power of true, unconditional love in her sacrifice to save Harry, Voldy shows what self-destruction and cruelty a life without understanding love leads to, and Snape sits somewhere in the middle: his one-sided  un-requited love being both the cause of his darkest, and his greatest actions. His curse, and his redemption, fall and rise. Making him happy messes that up.

How to (kinda) fix this ship: make them miserable. Make them fall for each-other only to be pulled apart by circumstance (you know, like they were in the darn original source material). You��re serious about making this a tragic, dark romance? Don’t ship them when they’re at school: Ship them during Voldemort’s rise to power, in the 80’s, after Lilly is married. Have the original Order of the Phoenix send her to meet with Snape and use their previous relation to try to milk some information out of him. Have her feel conflicted about it, have James furious about it, but have her do it anyway for the greater good. Have her meet up secretly with Snape who is angry and distrustful, knowing his must be a trap, and talk. Have the relationship slowly build over time against the backdrop of a cold-war spy thriller, as Lilly slowly realizes that she has some lingering feelings for Snape, but can’t reconcile them her loyalty to the order and her family. Make this a love story of conflicted feelings, divided loyalties, and spy-work against the background of drawing war-clouds. Have Snape offer to leave Voldemort, if she’ll leave the Order, and run away with him, but by that point she knows she’s pregnant and chooses to stay, out of loyalty even though she’s crushing on Snape. Have him show up at the rendezvous expecting for her to be there only for James to lead an Order Ambush, and a fight to ensure, on top of Tower Bridge in the howling wind and rain, Snape surviving but having his spirit crushed and fleeing before Lilly can tell him her true feelings. Make it big, and melodramatic, but above all, make it tragic.  Because that’s the only way Snape works as a character. Always.

The better ship you should be doing: Ginny X Nevil or Luna x Nevil: You want tragic lovers, at school, with divided loyalties, who never get together in the main cannon because a Potter ruins it and gets the girl? Ginny X Nevil. Write what was happening that final year Harry wasn’t at school when they took Dumbledore’s Army and make it work in earnest. Heck, you could even have Snape, as headmaster, hated by them but secretly trying to protect them as a secondary character to their secret, forbidden love. You don’t want to break up Harry X Ginny? Luna X Nevil is sweet and wholesome, but also tragic as they never get a chance, having their school life taken over by the horror of that final year and the need to fight for their very souls in a school run by Death Eaters and the trauma of the Battle of Hogwarts meaning that in order to put away the past and move on, they need to leave each other behind. Hell, do an AU where they canonically end up together, why not? They deserve happiness.

 Dean / Sam AKA Wincest (Supernatural)

Why I hate this ship: They’re brothers. The show even makes a joke about how squick this is. Several times.

How you could (sort of) fix this ship: You can’t: They’re brothers. The show even makes a joke about how squick this is. I guess a body-swap arc could fix this, as it’s less squicky if its just their bodies with someone else’s minds,  but seriously, the reasons why this shouldn’t exist are extensively covered in the show, and it was hilarious.  To be honest, I don’t hate this ship done as a joke, but I have seen some dark spots on the internet, and I can say with all honesty it’s not always treated as a joke. Some folks are really invested in this, and all I can ask is, is your home life okay?

Now, done as a joke, I’m 110% behind this. This is exactly the sort of insane wacky bullshit that makes for a good crack-fic. For example imagine that the supernatural threat of the week was book that made anything written in it come true, and the brothers are trying to find and destroy it, but they keep getting distracted by their burgeoning romantic feelings for each-other, and suddenly realise that the owner of the book is a fan on the in-universe novels, and writing slash-fic in the book. They need to find the writer before they make them do something they’ll both regret, but it’s just so distracting when Sam’s beautiful eyes are right there and- dammit, Sam, it’s happening again! Make Sam less concerned and even a little amused, with it, but make Dean hate what’s going on. Especially when the writer’s description suddenly makes Sam noticeably better hung that him. Make the villain turn out to be Becky from “Sympathy for the devil” and end with them trying to take the book away as she writes frantically to force them to do her bidding, and you’ve got yourself a good fic.

The better ship you should be doing: Cas/Sam or Cas/Dean or Cas/Sam AND Dean fic. Duh. Once again the show-runners beat the fans to the mark and pointed out that this is the best ship, and then they took it away just to fuck with us.

 Any Katniss ship that ignores her obsession with Emotional Security Logic. (The Hunger Games)

Why I hate these ships: Katniss is, briefly put, a mess before the books ever start, her father’s death and harsh upbringing have arguably given her PTSD before she ever volunteers for the reaping, and it doesn’t get better from there.  In psychology, Emotional Security Theory (EST) is a hypothesis that the heightened emotions surrounding repeated violent exposures leaves children vulnerable to dysregulated distress responses and eventual psychopathology, aka, why Kat be so messed up.  Her internal monologue makes the books completely clear that her choice in partners is not motivated by normal affections, but by deep, deep fear. A fear of loss, abandonment and death that leads her to make every decision about what minimises her, and her sister’s, exposure to potential physical and emotional harm. It’s frantic, fraught, cold survivalist thinking. And the other characters in the book notice and acknowledge it! “Which of us will she pick?” “She’ll pick whoever she can’t survive without.” Kat doesn’t like herself for it, but she does eventually admit to herself that she makes her decisions like this.

How do we fix this ship: Ship Kat with whoever you like, but give her a good reason to pick them: and in Kat’s mind “A good reason” is based on Emotional Security Logic, she needs to have a pressing reason why this ship makes her and her sister safer. Do that, and you’ve got yourself a good Katniss story. Don’t do that, and while you may or may not have a good story, the person staring in it isn’t Katniss Everdeen anymore.

The better ship you should be writing: Finick X Annie. Or, Haymitch prequel ships

FinAnn. This, this ship has some real potential to it, and is criminally underutilized. Finick and Annie’s relationship is one of the most tragic and romantic in the story, and has so much to offer. Or, if you want to have a hard-bitten character from district 12 struggling with trying to find love in the hellish combat of the games, do a prequel in which Haymitch finds love in the capitol during training, but loses then in the area and turns to drink as a result. Heck, you could even have some fun with this and turn it into a dark comedy, or a great tragic love story, whatever you like. It’s got potential, and his backstory is vague enough you could do a lot with it.

So, tell me below why I’m wrong, and have fun with your writing: just because I hate that ship doesn’t mean you should. Enjoy yourselves.

I’m off to write awful Ax/Pina/Luna Polyjuice’d into Nevil/Cas/Finick fiction set at an anime high-school that fights a magical war against other fictional schools, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

COSAS DE NIÑOS.

Marcus Alvarez x Che Taza Romero's daughter!Reader

Word count: 2k

Thanks to my lovely beta reader @chibsytelford 💖

Author Comments: Just something I needed to write about, I hope you all enjoy. Gif credits: @fromthesixteenthfloor

Tag list: @starrynite7114 ​ @chibsytelford ​ @dazzledamazon ​ @mara-mpou ​ @sammskellington ​ @gemini0410 ​ @1-800-imagines ​ @briana-mishell24 ​ @sassymox @whyisgmora @aquamento @sadeyesgf @viviansafizada @samcrobae @jade770 ✨ (if you wanna be tagged, send me a message!)

“FUCK!”

You spit your coffee turning over your barefoot, looking at your daughter through the american kitchen, without repairing in the mess you have done all around the tile floor. Lucia is painting in one of her color books and apparently she came out of the line.

“What was that, ah?”

She glances at you somewhat confused, pausing her important task.

“It's my new favorite word”.

The girl shrugs her shoulders playing the innocent one.

“No, it's not. And don' say that again”.

“Fuck”. She repeats challenging you, narrowing the big brown eyes.

“¿Qué dijo, señorita?” (What did you say?)

“You hea'me, mama”.

“Okay… Pack your things”.

“Where we goen'?” Her confusion comes back to her face, getting up from the chair.

“You're gonna say it to El Padrino”.

“No! No, mama! I'm sorre'!” She runs at you terrified, tangling her tiny arms around your right leg.

“I said ‘pack your things’, señorita”. There's no way back. Not even when Lucia starts to cry begging you with all her efforts.

Ignoring your daughter, you end your coffee as she put her case and her book inside the pink bag, with the tears wetting the shirt she's wearing. Sometimes is painful act like you don't care that she's sad, nor upset, nor unhappy, but she has to learn what se can say and what she can't. It would be easy if her father was there, with you two, but you can't try to fuck up the MC if you don't wanna be buried somewhere in the Sonoran desert. At least, you have your father who usually helps you with Lucia constantly. But Marcus is the one she loves. No one can mess with him is your daughter is around. And of course, no one can mess with your daughter without suffering by El Padrino. You know him since ever, practically, and when the Mayans killed Lucia's father, he promised you that he would take care of both at all cost. You didn't even love that man, so make him disappear was also a god's gift.

Your daughter is crying inconsolably while you tie up the seat belt around her body in the back seat. She stills begging you. Whenever she does something bad, you resort to Marcus. He always knows what to say and what to do with her. And you sometimes feel you shouldn't put that weight on his shoulders, but he seems so delighted when he does that it melts your heart. By turning on your car, you drive through the south border from Santa Madre to Santo Padre, and it only takes you some minutes where your headache starts to grow because of your child's weeping.

“Mama, plez', I'm sorre'”. Bawling full of pain, whilst grabbing her hand as soon as she gets out from the car.

All the bikes are parked there, what it means that the whole crew is inside the clubhouse. This is just getting better and better. Usually, when she misbehaves, the Mayans makes a completely show with it only to support your decisions to correct her bad behavior. Crossing the main door, as her cries get loud, the guys stare at you frowning in your daughter's direction. Leaving in the background whatever they were doing before you came, all of them cross their arms above their chests adopting that position they call “mad tíos”.

“Wha' happen', princesa?” Marcus asks with hidden curiosity.

“Mama, plez'”. She turns at you showing her best puppy-eyes reddened and filled with tears.

“I told ya', señorita. Now, tell Padrino”. You push her into the man, walking with small and slow steps towards him.

The girl has her head down, sobbing and shaking a little with her tiny hands tangled under her belly.

“What did you do, mija?” He says leaning with his arms supported on his lap.

Lucia turns at you for a second, waiting for a last minute redemption. However, you raise your chin pouting in a serious look. She sighs cleaning her tears with the back of her hands, ahead she looks at El Padrino.

“I ju—I just say som—somethen'… bad”.

The mexican nods thoughtful before the next question.

“About me?”

“No! ’Cors' no!” She shakes her head in a dramatic way, taking some more steps close to him.

Your father places himself by your side, giving you a funny look as you're trying not to laugh watching the heart-break faces the crew has.

“I sa-said… ‘fuck’”.

The Mayans continue the show, making a surprised sound before clicking their tongues in disagreement. Good Lord, it's costing you your whole life not to break in laughter.

“Why do I think you didn't just say it once?” Marcus gesture gets somewhat rude and angry, but with that calm position he always has.

“I said it… twice”. When your girl sees how disappointed is her true love, she tries to fix it.

“Dammit, mami!” Coco and Angel says, as the guys pretend that they're whispering about Lucia just to make her feel worse. You all are going to burn in hell.

“But 'am sorre'! I'll not say tha'gain! I promise!”

Marcus, lying on his chair, cross his arms on his chest putting his gaze away your daughter, but in you for a second.

“Wait outside and think about what you did. I'm gonna talk with mama in the meantime”.

Your daughter's cheek are being runned by some tears, so long as she nods.

“Can I hug you?”

You can notice who every heart in the room stops for a second, yours included. Sometimes is so hard to not comfort her that you feel extra bad. But she has to learn one way or another.

“No, mija. Estoy triste por lo que hiciste”. (No, mija. I'm sad for what you did). Marcus gets up of his chair, putting well on his kutte whilst turning to the Templo.

“Sit outside and think about what you did”. You say to your daughter as soon as she walks close to you.

“Mama… do ya' think he coul' be happe' if I draw somethen'?” Lucia asks you with a broken voice and her eyes on her foots.

“I don' know. Try it”.

This sounds like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, so she practically runs to your car to take her bag and get to work, sitting on the couch in the porch.

“Jeez, my heart…” EZ says, while you chuckles and the rest seems agreed.

“She only listens to Marcus”.

And that's true. Sometimes it bothers you and pushes you to the limit, but you're thankful for having him in your life. Passing away the men who continue with whatever they were doing, you close Templo's door behind your back resting it there. You're laughing slightly like he's doing also shaking his head.

“You're a good mother”. He says then, pulling away the main chair at the table, so he can support his body against the edge.

“Yea', I think so… But sometimes it just… It's difficult”. That's all you can say, because you're not sure how explain it, even if you know he understand you perfectly.

The man offers you a hand, lifted on air, tangling your fingers with his and coming closer till your chests meet. He kisses you, pressing your lips so dearly and gently that your legs are about to fail. Traveling your hands to both sides of the man's neck, his reach your low back. Having a deep breathe after some seconds, Marcus rest his forehead against yours, touching your nose with his in a soft caress.

“You know? I was thinking about tellin' Lucia that we're together”. The mexican says looking for your eyes, and noticing somekind of surprise in them.

“Did you?”.

“Yes”. He just say. “With respect and your permission, I'm already like her father”.

“Yea', you are, Marcus”.

“And it's been eight month since we started”. He adds. “What do you think about having dinner together, maybe… drop it to her”.

“Yes, we could”. Your lips are pursed in brief smile, kissing him again as much as you missed him after three days out of Cali.

“Outside?” Marcus gets up from the table, holding one of your hand and leaving a gentle kiss on the back of it.

“Yea', she thought you would be happy, if she draws something for you”.

El Padrino beams at you, walking towards the colorful glass door to cross it. He lets go your hand to continue with his steps outside, where your daughter is waiting for him.

“Are you gonna tell her?” Taza asks you, putting an arm on your shoulders.

“Yep. We think it's time”. You raise your eyes to your father. He looks good with the idea, knowing how much Marcus loves you and respects you.

┅┅ ┅ ┅ ┅┅

Salsa music floods the restaurant terrace, full of people, families and children that just meet playing and running around the tables decorated with white and small candles. It's a good temperature outside, and Lucia looks happy sitting in front of you, looking everything surrounding her. Drinking of her lemon soda by the straw whilst dancing her hips on the chair, you look at Marcus. You can't help but feeling terrified. You're nervous, not sure if it's going to end well or if it's going to be a chaos. Your daughter is extremely jealous with the mexican.

“So… corazón, we have to tell you something”. You say finally with trembling voice, even if the man is holding and narrowing your hand under the table.

“Are ya' gonna have a baby?”

You're pretty sure your mouth could touch the floor whilst your heart jumping about give you an attack. Marcus breaks in laughter, but you don't see the funny point on it.

“No, mija, we're not gonna have a baby”.

“Oh”. That sounded like a letdown.

“You would like it…?” You ask confused, leaning on the table, with your free arm supported in.

“Yes! It would be cool!”.

“Yes?” Marcus is confused too, with his gaze in your daughter's.

“Yea', I think I coul' sher' ma' dad”.

Sweet Jesus, you're about to die because of a terrible shame. The mexican is about to drown with his own saliva, coughing for a while.

“But, if it's not a baby, what is, mama?” Lucia turns her attention to you, waiting for another thing.

“Well, ahm… Marcus and I…”

“We're together”. He says, knowing that it's costing you a lot to tell her.

“Ya', I knew it”.

“Did you?” Frowning your eyebrows and licking your lips somewhat more relaxed, you twist your neck.

“Yep, you're too obvious, mama”.

You're sure that your boyfriend can't laugh louder than right now, covering his mouth with a hand because of her words. Lucia laughs too, as you chuckle having a sip of your beer.

“I hear' ya' tell tia Letti ‘fuck, we should get married’. That's why it's my favorite word, 'cuz I would like't too, mama”.

“Jesus Christ…” Your hands covering your face as you nail your elbows on the table, and your cheeks getting red as hell.

“Did you?” Marcus ask with some kind of mirth.

“Canna' go to play?” The innocence in her voice overwhelms you, while she's asking directly to her ‘new dad’.

“Claro, mija, ve. Te avisamos cuando llegue la orden”. (Sure, mija, go. We'll tell you when the food is here).

As soon as Lucia jumps off of her chair, Marcus turns at you without letting go your hand, and by supporting the other arm on the table.

“Did you?” He asks again very interested in your answer.

“Maybe”. You reply with pursed lips trying not to laugh because of the bashfulness.

The man, leaning above you and reaching one of your flushed cheeks, catches your lips between his in a sweet and silky kiss. Slowly, enjoying the peace that has just arrived to your life after having the agreement of your daughter.

“I'll keep it in mind, mi amor”.

[spidernerdsblog]

I Forgot That You Existed : Chapter Ten

A/N: Chapter ten is here. Everybody likes a happy ending right? So here it is. Hope you like this chapter. Feedback and suggestions are always welcome.

Pairing : Tom Holland × Singer reader

Summary : It’s been more than five years since you and Tom have gone their own ways after a heartbreaking breakup which had left both of you shattered. Both of you thought that you were finally over with each other and were happy in your respective lives until you meet again at a reunion trip planned by your best friend and you realize you are still not done with each other.

Warnings : 18+, SMUT, mature content

Mini Playlist : This love by Taylor Swift

“Tomorrow is the last day I’ll get to see her and that’s it. She will leave for LA.”

“You did talk to her right?”

“I tried Haz, I tried to talk to her but she isn’t ready to put her walls down.”

“So what are you gonna do?”

“I don’t know Haz, but I know this for sure I’m not giving up on her. Every day, every minute, every second I’ll try.”

“But for how long Tom?”

“It took me six years to realize that she is the one. I’m ready to wait 60 more years trying to make her realize the same.”

“Mate I think you should calm down a bit and have something to eat for now.”

“No Harrison I don’t think I will be able to eat anything I’ll just go to my room and take some rest.” Tom retreated to his room.

Everyone was sitting silently on the couch as you came in panting.

“Where’s he?” you said catching your breath.

“In his room.”

“Oh! I was so worried he didn’t say anything to anyone before leaving.” You said letting out a sigh of relief.

“Yeah he was feeling a little down that’s why he skipped dinner too.”

“What! He barely had anything today. I just saw him running around all day. Now who is acting like a child huh!” you scoffed.

“This man will always be a pain in my ass. I’ll go and see what’s the matter, don’t worry.” You went to the kitchen as you arranged a plate for his dinner simultaneously munching on some blueberries as you were hungry yourself. As you were about to go upstairs Harry stopped you.

“Y/N we need to talk to you about something.”

“Okay go on, I’m listening.”

“It’s about you and Tom.”

“And?”

“We think you should reconsider your decision and sort out whatever is going on between you.”

“There’s nothing to decide over here we are just friends and that is what it will always be.” You said nonchalantly.

“C'mon Y/N can’t you just see how devastated he is. He is trying so hard to bring you back and you are turning a blind eye to him.”

“I can see okay! What do you think I’m having fun refusing him? I’m dying on the inside. But this is what is best for us.” You said agitatedly.

“You are just being stubborn Y/N. You need to come out from the state of denial.”

“Call it what you want that will not change anything.” You shrugged.

“So the plan turned out to be an epic fail?” Paddy blurted out. Harry smacked him at the back of his head.

“Shut up paddy! ”

“Wait! what?? What plan failed?” you asked suspiciously, setting aside the plate on the table.

“Ah it’s nothing Y/N” Harrison stuttered.

“What other motives did you guys have?” you narrowed your eyes.

Everybody looked at different directions awkwardly trying to avoid your stern gaze.

“Harrison??” you asked him sceptically, raising an eyebrow.

“See Y/N it was my idea.Tom is my brother and he went through hell after you guys broke up. We all have seen how miserable he was without you. Though he made us believe that he finally moved on but drunken confessions are never a lie. I couldn’t take it anymore so we thought before it’s too late why not try for the one last time?” Harry explained. You were stunned to hear that. You looked at Zendaya and Harrison as everything was clear to you for why they were so adamant in bringing you here.

“You guys were in this?” Zendaya and Harrison winced, unable to make eye contact with you.

“Unbelievable!” you threw your arms in the air in disbelief.

“I…. I really don’t know what to say.” You pinched the bridge of your nose shaking your head.

“See we thought if you guys spend some time together you would realize your mistakes and patch up.”

“Harry you can’t force two people to be in a relationship.”

“Well you guys have made progress as per I’m told you guys kissed and almost ended up boning.” Harrison pointed out.

“Seriously??” You looked at Zendaya bewildered.

“Hey I didn’t say a word.” Zendaya retorted.

“Tom told me.”

“Yeah of course he did.” You half laughed.

“You didn’t even think about Eleanor for once, that poor girl didn’t deserve any of this.”

“Yes she doesn’t deserve any of this she would have been a mere casualty of the war that is going on between you two that is why we wanted to stop this before things got out of our hands” Sam interrupted.

“I’m so done with you guys. You know what? I’m gonna go and tell all of this to your brother. Let’s see what he thinks about this stupid plan of yours.”

“Can’t believe you guys would stoop so low.” You gritted your teeth stomping off upstairs.

“Tom?” You knocked at his door. Not getting any response you knocked again. There was radio silence you sighed and twisted the door knob.

“Tom I’m coming in if you’re jerking off better stop.” You chuckled. The room was dark as you entered. You switched on the lights to see Tom curled up on the bed, his back facing you.

“I know you are awake” You walked to the other side of the bed, putting down the plate on the bedside table you climbed up sitting next to him resting your back against the headboard.

“You know there is no scientific proof that starving yourself helps you cope with your grief. At least learn from the master.” You snickered looking down at him.

He got up abruptly and snuggled his face in your lap wrapping his arms around your waist. You raise your hands a little as you were a little taken aback at his childish behavior.

“What has gotten into you?” You laughed as you gently stroked his hair with your hand.

“Just don’t go Y/N please.”

“Tom we talked about this.” You said softly.

“No we didn’t everytime I try to talk about it you try to avoid having that conversation.”

“Because there is nothing to talk about. You know this.. We.. This cannot happen.”

“I’m not leaving you unless you talk.” he tightened his grip around you.

“Tomm… Okay let’s talk but first you need to eat something.”

“C'mon get up. Just look at you, go wash your face.” you nudged him a little as he finally got up and went to the bathroom. After he came back he sat beside you.

You took a spoonful of risotto and held it in front of him to feed him.

“Wait. Did you have dinner?” Tom asked.

“No thanks to you I had to rush out from the party. But I had some blueberries though.”

“Oh I’m so sorry Y/N. I didn’t mean to ruin your night”

“Its ok nothing can be better than spending time with you.”

“But you need to have something”

“Okay let’s share then like we did in school” you suggested

 You exhaled deeply after you finished.

“You know those little devil’s pawns down there planned this all out as a last resort to reunite us.” You scowled.

“I’m glad they did.”

“Okay I wasn’t expecting that as an answer.”

“Y/N I don’t know how to prove to you that I’m really sorry. You have all the right to stay angry with me but can you give me another chance to make everything right.”

“Hey I’m not at all angry with you.”

“Then why do you want to leave me again? Y/N I can’t live without you anymore. All these years each day without you felt like a punishment.”

“What do you think it was all so easy for me to stay without you?”

“Then why are you running from it?”

“I don’t know Tom but I’m scared what if I mess up again. I feel this is just a nice dream and once I wake up everything will be as it was.This all seems too good to be true.”

“I know baby. But we can always start over right? Every relationship has its ups and downs. We can’t change the past but the future is in our hands.”

“Nobody is perfect Y/N. Let’s take it slow shall we? It’s just you and me we can make it work. Baby steps.”

“But what about El Tom? I ruined her life” His hand went to cup your face.

“Hey look at me, You. Have. Nothing. to do with what happened between El and me stop blaming yourself. We mutually agreed upon ending our relationship and she’s totally fine with that.”

The air felt heavy in the room, his hot breath fanning your face. Your bodies leaning close as you kissed softly and pressed your foreheads against each other closing your eyes, smiling. You pulled away and sat silently beside each other.

“Okay then goodnight see you in the morning.” You chirped breaking the silence.

“Yeah goodnight.” Tom smiled. You got up to leave as you were about to open the door.

“Y/N wait!” Tom grabbed your hand. You turned your body towards him. He stepped a little closer pushing you back against the door. He placed his hands on both of your sides caging you.

“What’s on your mind Thomas?”

“Nothing, jus.. just you know I was thinking since we decided to go slow I want to make it up to you little by little from this very moment, only if you allow.”

“And how are you planning to do that?” you asked with a glint of mischief in your eyes.

He took both of your hands and kissed your knuckles.He bent down, his lips against your cheek, brushing it lightly and still that light touch sent shivers down your spine, shivers that made your whole body tremble.

“If you want me to stop, tell me now,” he whispered. You didn’t say anything, he brushed his mouth against the hollow of your temple. ‘Or now.’ He traced the line of your cheekbone. ‘Or now.’ His lips were against yours.

‘Or… ’

Heat rose from your stomach to your chest and your heart definitely skipped a beat as Tom’s lips were closing in. The smell of his cologne filled your nostrils to the point of near brain death. He was so close. That was it - at that very moment his lips brushed over yours like a wave of warmth and all your body reacted to him instinctively. Your hand reached his neck and pulled him towards you crashing your lips into his, and the rest of his words were lost against your mouth. You melted in the kiss closing your eyes as you felt his warm mouth against yours. He kissed you gently, carefully, but it wasn’t gentleness you wanted, not now, not after all this time. 

You kissed frantically all the built up sexual tension and mutual pining finally channeling out. Your fingers knotted with his hair as you tugged on to it. He groaned softly, low in his throat,he poked his tongue as you parted your lips. His tongue slipped inside your mouth. He sucked on your bottom lip earning a little moan from you. He smiled in the kiss. His hands were roaming around your back as he fumbled with the zipper of your dress. You pulled away gasping for air.

“Is this okay?” he asked with a raspy voice eyes blown out with lust. You nodded in approval breathlessly. He slowly unzipped your dress and slid down your straps as the dress fell and pooled on your feet revealing your black lacy bra and matching underwear. Tom felt air knocked out of his lungs as he soaked in your image.

“So beautiful” he murmured against your swollen lips. You blushed under his chaste gaze.

And then he was kissing you again. The deep kind of kisses that left little room for thought. There was only feeling and wanting.

He dragged his lips down your chin to your bare neck and brushed his lips over your shoulder leaving a trail of wet kisses along the way.

His hands were on your hips, and he lifted you up as if you were made of air. Your legs wrapped around his waist, as he carried you towards the bed. Your lips remained sealed. It was like you couldn’t get enough of each other. You were devouring one another, drowning in each other.

He gently placed you on the bed and climbed above you whilst taking off his t-shirt revealing his perfect torso. Tom caught you staring.

“Like the view?” He said with a cheeky grin.

“Not that I’m complaining” you said with a sultry look in your eyes.

You ran your hands on his toned abs wrapping your hands around his neck and pulling him down to you locking your lips, legs and hands moving, exploring each other. You whispered his name, and his arms tightened around you, crushing you against his chest and his hands slipped between your legs. You were swimming in raw sensations.It was like you were getting to know each other all over again.

You could feel his obvious bulge on your bare thigh. Tom rubbed his nose on the crook of your neck sucking at your sweet spot.

His hand went to your back unclasping your bra as you slid it through your arms and threw it away. He placed kitten licks on the curve of your breasts eliciting soft moans from your mouth. He licked your buds as they hardened under his touch. He sucked on to your breast, massaging the other with his hand. You were breathless and dazed as he nibbled on them softly, your body ached for more than just kisses and touching—for more of him. And you knew he did, too. His powerful body trembled like yours. It was easy to get lost in him, lost in this connection between you. You wrapped your legs around his hips, pulling him closer, telling him what you wanted with your soft moans.

You felt a tingling sensation between your legs as you bucked your hips to get some sort of friction.

“Don’t worry princess I got you. Tonight is all about you.” he said brushing away your hair from your face.

He placed soft kisses all the way down your midriff. Hooking his fingers to the waistband of your panties he looked at you for permission, you nodded. He pulled them down. He ran a finger through your folds.

“Always so wet for me.” He kissed your inner thighs teasing you as you squirmed. He smirked, hooking his arms on your thighs, spreading your legs. He placed a kiss on your aching core and then licked a long stripe as you took a sharp breath, your body trembling at his touch. He dipped a finger slowly pumping it in and out of you. He sucked on to your clit adding another finger inside you.

“Oh God! This feels good” you moaned.

Your hand gripped on to his hair as he slid a third finger inside you. He groaned face buried in your heat devouring you as if you were his last meal. He increased his speed curling his fingers inside you, your body arched as you felt a coil building up in your stomach, his strong hand keeping you in place. Your body spasmed as your orgasm hit you.

“Tomm…” you whined.

“Yes baby girl what do you need?”

“I need you inside me please.” You extended your arms towards him.

“As you wish darling.” he shimmied out of his shorts and boxers and took out a condom from the night stand and rolled it down. He crawled over you propping himself on his forearms. Tom placed a soft kiss on your forehead. He pumped himself a few times before sliding inside you slowly stretching your walls. You gasped.

“Fuck!! So tight.” He hissed as he bottomed out. He started moving slowly, long drawn thrusts as he laced his fingers with yours. You brushed away his sweaty curls sticking to his forehead as you gazed into his eyes instantly calming you down. Your hips were molded together as you moved against one another. Tom watched you with half hooded eyes at how your mouth slacked open and eyes fluttering shut in pleasure. The room was filled with low grunts and moans.

He picked up his pace hitting your spot, you arched your back in pleasure. Your hands clutched onto his back trying to keep him as much close as possible he groaned as you drew your nails on his back.You writhed beneath him, his name falling from your lips like a prayer. You were both so lost in each other, Tom continuously checking in with you, peppering kisses all over your neck and whispering sweet nothings in your ears.

You body tensed up as you clenched around him.

“Tom I’m close” you said breathlessly.

“Yeah that’s it let go darling” he moved his hand to your clit drawing tight circles around which tipped you off the edge. It didn’t take long as you came with a loud moan of his name. His thrusts went sloppier as he reached his own high burying his head in the crook of your neck.

 …………………..

Curtains flying in the gentle sea breeze as the sunlight peeked in through the windows. You were snuggled into Tom’s arms. The sunlight hit your face as you squinted, fluttering your eyes open to see Tom already staring at you with his soft brown eyes. You thought he looked ethereal with his bed hair as the soft sunlight was falling on his face.

“Good morning Princess”

“Morning heartbreak prince.” you chuckled softly.

“How long have you been awake?”

“Like an hour ago.”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Tom brushed away your messy hair away from your face.

“Didn’t want to miss watching this angelic face sleeping peacefully. I never thought that I would be able to wake up to this face again in my life.”

“Oh stop it” you lightly slapped his chest. He exhaled.

“Last night…”

“Was awesome?”

“Yeah of course..” He chuckled softly.

“But Y/N I really meant everything whatever I said.”

“I know and I’m ready to give it a go. But have you thought about what to say to the other people down there who by now have got the idea.”

“They saw it coming I guess.” Tom rolled over you smothering you with kisses.

“Oh! Tom stop!!” you squeaked giggling.

“I’m starving” you pouted.

“As you wish darling”

You both got up to freshen up and then went down. You were still in Tom’s tshirt and sweatpants. All eyes were on both of you as you walked down the stairs.

“Why am I not surprised?” Zendaya chuckled ironically.

“Did we travel back in time?” Harry joked.

“Someone had a good night’s sleep.The morning glow is evident” Chloe patted Tom’s back. You both blushed profusely.

“I thought you went to talk.” Harrison quipped.

“Yeah we did talk. It was a really deep and passionate conversation.” You said with a sly grin.

“Okay I’m ignoring the double meaning of that phrase.”

For the rest of the day the boys were nowhere to be seen after breakfast; they just disappeared.

You got a text from Tom in the afternoon.

Hey can you go to my room and check if my wallet is there or not? I don’t have it with me.

Yeah sure.

You went to his room to check. Your eyes fell on a bag lying on the bed. You looked into it, a box. You took it out and opened the lid to find a beautiful floral dress. There was a note for you inside.

For my sunshine. Come to the front porch, a surprise awaits.

You couldn’t help but smile. You didn’t waste a moment and quickly dressed up.

You went to the front porch to find Tom waiting for you. He was wearing a white button up shirt with chinnos. He looked handsome as always. You walked up to him.

“Hey,” you said shyly, tucking your hair behind your ear.

“You look gorgeous, love.”

“Thanks for the compliment and the dress it’s beautiful.”

“Guess my taste isn’t that bad huh?”

“Okay now close your eyes.”

“Okay I think I’m having a déjà vu right now.” You close your eyes as Tom blindfolded your eyes. He then guided you to the surprise location.

“Okay now open your eyes.” he untied the blindfold.

The sun was setting in the horizon you were standing on the seashore as the waves washed your bare feet. The cool water laps at your feet, fizzing and bubbling like brine, the wind caresses your face.

“This looks familiar.” You turned your head towards him. He stood in front of you taking both of your hands in his hands looking directly in your eyes.

“You know when you find someone who gives your life meaning then nothing else in the world matters.”

“I know I have made a lot of mistakes and I want to make it up to you the rest of my life Y/N.”

Tom bent down on his knee as he pulled out a ring and slid it in your ring finger.

“Y/N Y/L/N will you marry me?” you didn’t know how to react. So you did what you were best at making snarky comments.

“Okay now I’m your replacement bride?”

“What!? No!” Tom frowned as he got up.

“Tom we talked about taking it slow and by slow I meant really slow. I just turned 27 and I’m not getting married until I turn 30. I know you are sorry, you want to make it up for me. I totally understand that and it’s really sweet of you but I don’t think I’m ready for a married life yet” you rambled.

Tom caught your lips.

“You never shut up do you?”

“I’m not telling you to marry me right away. I just really wanted to do this to commemorate our love, that I want to spend my life with you. And also a subtle reminder to stop you from flirting with other hot guys.”

“I can’t guarantee you with the last one.” You flashed a cheeky grin. Tom embraced you in a tight hug.

“You really had to ruin the moment though?”

“Well you should have given me a heads-up with your plans.” You joked inspecting the ring.

“Is this real?” Tom rolled his eyes. You started pulling out the ring.

“Hey hey why are you taking it off?”

“Honey papz follows us everywhere we go. After your cancelled wedding news breaks out the media will have a field day I don’t want to add fuel to that by sporting an engagement ring while returning from a vacation with you. Moreover Alex will kill me.”

“Yeah but we are going back tomorrow right? You can keep it on for now.

"Are you love birds done already?” Harry yelled from a distance.

The boys had been busy arranging for a bonfire near the seashore the whole day. Everyone sat circling around the fire. In twilight the beach was tinted sepia, the sand more orange, the water darker, skin soft to the eye. Everyone sat there, just taking in the evening and chatting and laughing music playing in background simultaneously. Waves ahead roar and roll down, crashing onto the shore with a soft hiss.

“Tom really drove us mad today first with the dress then with the ring.” Harrison blew out is cheeks as you laughed.

“Typical Tom” Zendaya snarled.

“Don’t laugh Y/N you have no idea how many shops he made us roam.” Harry huffed.

“I’ll see what you guys do when you have to propose to your girls oh sorry first get a girl” Tom cackled.

“I wasn’t even this picky when I proposed to Elysia, you were just being extra” Sam quipped.

“Because she deserves the best.” Tom pecked your cheek.

“We are really happy for you guys” Chloe chirped.

Tom’s hands were wrapped around you as you smiled at each other.

This Love playing …….

“Shall we?” Tom stood in front of you and extended his arm

“Sure.” You held his hand and got up.

Clear blue water

High tide, came and brought you in

And I could go on and on, on and on

And I will, skies grow darker, currents swept you out again

And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone

He placed his hand on your waist holding your hand on another, you held on to his  shoulder with your hand as you swayed to the music gazing into each other’s eyes. A warmth spreading inside you.

“Thanks for this and everything” you said softly.

“Oh it’s nothing just trying to be a good boyfriend you see.” he shrugged.

“You’re indeed much better than my Ex.”

“Ex? ”

“Oh I had once a fling with this guy with  curly brown hair, honey brown eyes with a wild brow and crooked nose used to be an asshole sometimes but was the sweetest person on earth. But you.. You are far more responsible and mature than that guy and cute too.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah” you shrugged.

In silent screams, and wildest dreams

I never dreamed of this

This love is good

This love is bad

This love is a life back from the dead, oh

These hands had to let it go free

And this love came back to me, oh

Oh, oh

“Thank God you dumped him. That guy was an asshole to let you go. And I’m glad he did or else how would I find you.”

“Lucky you then huh?” you winked.

You slipped your hands to his back, pulled him closer, hugging him and rested your head on his shoulder as you smiled, closing your eyes. His hands rested on your waist as you both swayed to the music. You finally found your safe haven in his arms.

Tossing, turning, struggle through the night for someone new

And I could go on and on, on and on

Lanterns burning, flickered in the mind only you

But you were still gone, gone, gone

Been losing grip, on sinking ships

You showed up, just in time

Tom held your hand and twirled you a couple of times before he pulled you close to him again.

This love is good

This love is bad

This love is a life back from the dead, oh

These hands had to let it go free

And this love came back to me, oh

This love left a permanent mark

This love is glowing in the dark, oh

These hands had to let it go free

And this love came back to me, oh

This love, this love, this love, this love (Oh)

This love, this love, this love, this love (Oh)

This love, this love, this love, this love (Oh)

This love, this love, this love, this love

The boys lit some sky lanterns. Tom took two in his hands and smiled at you. You all flew the lanterns in the sky. You looked up in the sky as the lanterns flew higher and higher.

Your kiss, my cheek

I watched you leave

Your smile, my ghost

I fell to my knees

When you’re young, just to run

But you come back to what you need

Tom was standing behind you as he slipped his hands around your waist. You held on to his hands. He knelt down and kissed you on your cheek.

This love is good

This love is bad

This love is a life back from the dead, oh

These hands had to let it go free

And, this love came back to me, oh

This love that’s a permanent mark

(This love) This love is glowing in the dark, oh

(This love) These hands had to let it go free

(This love) And this love came back to me, oh

This love, this love, this love, this love (Oh)

This love, this love, this love, this love (Oh)

This love, this love, this love, this love (Oh)

This love, this love, this love, this love (This love came back to me, oh)

You turned towards him. Your hands went on to cup his face.

“I love you Tom” Tom was craving to hear those words from you again. His eyes swelled up after finally hearing it from you.

“I love you Y/N” he said pressing his forehead on yours.

You closed the distance kissing him softly.

 ………………………………………

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[percywinchester27]

A lot like ‘Us’ (Part-11)

Word count: 4.5K

Pairing: Sam X Reader AU

Warnings: None

Series Summary: Y/N Y/L/N is eager and honestly, still in awe that she managed to get herself an acceptance from Stanford Law School. On the face of it, her life seems as put together, mysterious and independent as one might hope for. On the insides, she carries the burden of past that haunts her till date. Seemingly, she’d left it all behind; that is until she sets foot in the class of the Law School’s youngest, most promising professor.

A/N: I’ve been good. I am very curious about what you think of this chapter, though ;)

The story employs two different timelines. The present timeline for the story takes place in 2014. Please let me know what you guys think :)

Beta: @deanssweetheart23​​ Shout out to this girl for being so awesome!

A lot like ‘Us’ masterlist

“Oh, look at you. You’re so tired.” Madison rubbed your back as you rested your head against the table in between the lectures.

“She does have a night job.” The stink eye you wanted to give Rebecca would require you to raise your head. She didn’t deserve that sort of effort. All of your thoughts were anyway occupied with how Sam’s trial must be going. You were praying that the poor kid would get off.

“It’s a good thing Civil Procedure class is cancelled for today. You can go home early and sleep the exhaustion off before the party,” Madison said excitedly. If only you could make an excuse out of the exhaustion and ditch the evening completely. The thought of Madison’s disappointed face stopped you from doing that. She really wanted you to come. The least you could do was show your face and then go back home.

It irked you that Madison was so excited for this but the rest of her friends were treating this as just any party as opposed to her party. You turned your head towards her and asked, “So who else is coming?”

She perked up immediately. “Well, it’s you guys, Brad, a couple of his friends and a few girls who were in my sorority.”

“What about your brothers? You have two, right?”

Her face remained carefully fixed in the same expression, though you saw the warmth in her eyes go out. “C’mon, you don’t really think they’d wanna be at my party, do you?”

“They’re your brothers! They’re supposed to be with you on your birthday.”

Lacey gave a high pitched laugh. “They’re both older and cooler, why would they wanna be at their baby sister’s party?”

“Clearly you don’t have any siblings,” Rebecca commented. “Definitely not a brother.”

But I do. I do have a sister, you wanted to say. The words never made it out.

Madison took over quickly, realising that the words were unnecessarily sharp. “It’s just different with brothers, Y/N. They aren’t up into each other’s businesses.”

She was still looking at you uncertainly, worried if the taunt from Rebecca had stung. It hadn’t. You had accepted that Rebecca was mean simply for the heck of it. It was her problem that she was an awful person. Not yours.

You were actually feeling bad for Madison. It was appalling that her family didn’t want to spend time with her. Jo wasn’t your blood sister, yet she dragged you to the one ‘average’ birthday party so she could celebrate with you. And when it came to brothers, you had seen brothers who would die for each other. Heck, even when it came to simple things they would crawl over to be there.

Long after you had reached home and dropped into your bed, Rebecca’s comment kept coming back to you.

Definitely not a brother.

She was wrong.

**************************

22nd September 2008

You knew you shouldn’t have been out this late in the evening, even if getting the printouts was essential. The only functioning printing shop was across the town and you didn’t want to ask Jo or aunt El to give you a ride. Already, you were asking too much by agreeing to live with them. So far they had denied your requests to work at the diner to be a helping hand, too. Asking for anymore would only tip the balance further.

The bylane was empty, not a single vehicle on either side. You walked up ahead, holding your papers close to you along with your bag.

“Hey, Darlin’, where you headin’?”

Three men had appeared at the other end of the bylane, their raucous laughter trailing after them. You couldn’t get a look at their face, however, from the way their silhouettes stumbled against the light from the street behind, gave you the impression that, at least, two of them were drunk.

You turned around and started back in the direction you had been coming from. The street there had a lighter traffic than the one you had been heading towards, but it was still better than having to walk past those men.

“Honey, come back,” another one called. The other two jeered in encouragement. You didn’t dare look back as you hurried along, almost to the end of the bylane. Why did it have to be blank walls on both sides? Their voices appeared closer yet and you took off in the sprint, stopping only when you appeared on the street.

Shops were open here and people were still walking up and down. You broke into a run once more without a backward glance till you stumbled into someone.

“Y/N?”

Dean Winchester’s green eyes were looking down at you, in surprise at first, then concern. “Are you okay?”

“I- I…” You couldn’t bring yourself to finish the sentence, your lungs out of breath.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” he said, slowly leading you towards the steps of a nearby store. “Sit down a minute.”

He perched on the steps next to you as you steadied your breath, his hands still holding you by your shoulder. “I was being followed,” you said. “Those men down the alley.”

Dean’s eyes steeled and he looked in the direction you had just pointed to. There was no one there. Maybe they had gone back the way they had come.

“Did they hurt you?” Anger evident in his voice.

You shook your head. “I was too fast.”

His concerned eyes hovered over your face, ascertaining that you were truly okay. It was something that Sam did, too. See for himself than blindly trust words.

“Those bastards,” he finally spat.

You were beyond glad you ran into Dean. His hand on your shoulder had calmed you more than anything else.

“What’re you doing in this part of the town by yourself?”

“I needed some printouts to confirm my acceptance. I thought I’d take a walk.” Your voice grew smaller with each word, knowing for sure that Dean would chastise you for poor decision making skills. You waited for him to say something along the lines of ‘What were you thinking?” Instead he gently let go of you.

“You think you can walk?” He asked, none of that judgement in his voice.

“Yeah.”

He stood up and offered you a hand. You took it to hoist yourself up.

“My car’s parked a few blocks away,” he said. “I’ll take you home.”

You wanted to protest, not wanting to appear a damsel in distress, but you knew your legs just might give out any moment.

Perhaps he saw it in your eyes or in the set of your mouth. Dean gave you a small smile. “Humour me. I had a rough day, too. Could use the company.”

You were beyond grateful to him for upholding your dignity. You didn’t know many men who did that, who wouldn’t want to jump at the opportunity to play the saviour. Not because they wanted to save someone, but because it would stroke their own ego.

“What happened to your day?”

Dean’s smile widened just a bit. “This asshole supplier came in with a shipment, delivered it at the wrong yard and took up a fight for payment.”

“What a jerk!”

He gave you a ‘I know, right?’ look. “Jackass wouldn’t listen long enough for my man to explain the mistake.”

“Must be hard running a place,” you mused.

“It’s actually a lot similar to running a family.” He looked at you. “You’d know.”

“My grandma had a very small business and she ran the family.”

“Y/N,” he said quietly. “It takes one more than one person to make a family and more than one to run it.”

You knew what he was actually saying, the meaning behind his words. That while gran took care of you, you took care of her, too.

“Why didn’t you ask Jo to drive you to the copy place?” He asked out of the blue, saving you from replying to his earlier remark.

“I didn’t want to disturb her. She’s already so busy running the diner…”

“Jo would kill me if she found out that I told you this, but she worries about you more than she lets on.”

You were taken aback. “I didn’t mean to-”

He clarified quickly. “I’m not accusing you for worrying her. She worries because she loves you.”

“I just don’t want to be a burden,” you murmured looking down. You had reached his car.

“Is that how you feel about being with Sam, too?”

He had cut to the chase quickly, and hit the nail right on the head. You didn't know how to answer Dean’s question without making it look like you were putting yourself down. You knew that if you lied, he’d know that, too. Dean was very sharp and perceptive when it came to people. More so that Sam.

You decided to tell him the truth.

“No, I don’t feel that with Sam. He chose to be with me without any prelude. He’s accomplished so much in life already and I’m so sure he’ll achieve so much more. I used to wonder what could he possibly want with a small town girl like me, but I don’t think that anymore. He sees me as the best version of myself and I’m beginning to see it, too.”

“You’re making him sound cooler than he is, you do know that, right?” Dean teased lightly.

You rolled your eyes.

Dean opened the door of his car for you and then got into his side.

“As much as I would want you to see it differently, I understand not wanting to be a burden,” he said, revving up the engine. You thought back to everything you knew about Dean and it made sense that he would understand you. There was never any judgement there. “But they’re your family and I get that you’re self-respecting, that you’re used to doing things by yourself. But would it be such a bad thing to let others help you once in a while? Do it for her and Ellen, if not for yourself. I know you love them enough for that.”

His words made up your mind on something you had been debating for a while.

“Dean,” you said unsteadily but upfront, “I need money for college. I know I can sell off Gran’s old house for the money but I want to keep it. I can’t ask aunt El to help me with the diner facing financial issues.

You took a deep breath. “I don’t know why I’m asking this from you. But…  with you, I feel like I’m with someone I can trust. Will you be the guarantor for my student’s loan?”

His face jerked towards you instantly.

“You can say no if you want,” you said quickly. “I won’t be upset, at all.”

Dean didn’t answer you immediately. He drove along the lane and turned into Aunt El’s driveway. He turned the ignition off and only then did he look at you.

His eyes were soft and his voice was low. “When Sam was about twelve, he came home one day and announced he was going to be a lawyer. He’s been a smart kid all along, but the look in his eyes… the memory gets to me even now. I knew Bobby didn’t have the sort of money to fund college, so we both worked all the odd jobs we could find to at least start saving.” He laughed as he reminisced.

“Bobby is a stubborn old man. He wanted to pay for Sam’s college. We had to fight it out with him, too and things were somewhat crazy up until this kid scored a straight up full ride to Stanford. We decided to use the college fund to move back here, start the garage. Ended up starting a whole new fund for law school. Turned out he didn’t need that either.”

The faraway look in his eyes vanished and he glanced at you. “What I’m getting at is that the money is still in the account. Use it.”

“Dean!” You gasped.

“Pay it back when you start printing dollar bills.” He held up his hands. “I know you’re not the one for charity. I’m not offering you one. This way you’ll save a lot of interest money.”

This was insane. When Sam had suggested that you ask his brother to be a guarantor you had agreed only because you knew Dean was kind and he wouldn’t put you down in any way. But this was asking for too much. This was his hard earned money.

“I can’t possibly-” you spluttered; he cut you off.

“Yes, you can,” he said firmly. “I was wary of you when you first dropped into this town, seeing how quickly my brother was head over heels for you-” he chuckled. “But not anymore. He couldn’t have found a better person. And look at all that you’ve achieved by yourself. That money can’t be put to a better use. We are all so proud of you.”

You flung yourself into his arms, tears running down your face.

“Shhhh…” he soothed you. “Don’t hold them back, kiddo.”

You didn’t hold back. You clung to his jacket and sobbed into his chest, the way you wanted to when you found out Gran had passed, the way you wanted to at her funeral. It was guttural and raw and instead of flinching away from you, Dean held you tightly against him, his fingers digging into your shoulders.

Slowly your sobs subsided into tired breaths but you didn’t make a move out of his arms. It felt safe here- you were both comforted and understood.

“Can I ask you something?” You asked after a while, voice small.

“Hmm?”

“You said you were wary of me being in Sam’s life. What changed your mind?”

Unexpectedly, Dean laughed. You looked at him in confusion.

“Sam started playing again,” he said simply.

You blinked at him.

“The piano in the house belonged to our mom. She wasn’t an expert in any way, but she loved the sound it made. She used to play simple songs on it for birthdays and on Sundays. In high school Sam took classes, to honor mom’s memory, I guess. He played a lot when he was learning. Ever since he first started college, I haven’t heard him play at all. You come in and suddenly there’s Bethoveen in the air.” He chuckled.

“Whoa.”

“He’s been happier, really. He laughs a lot more now.” Dean titled his head to one side.“That and the fact that you’re pretty freaking awesome.”

Sam was lucky he had a brother to look  out for him. “I always wanted an older brother,” you voiced out your childhood hope.

“You know, when Bobby first took us in after the fire, he told me something.”

“What?”

“Family don’t end in blood, sweetheart.” He shrugged, eyes so full of warmth. “You want a brother, you got one.”

You couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face.

Dean didn’t come inside to meet Jo.You waved to him from the door. He waited till you were safely inside before pulling out of the driveway. You watched the sleek black car disappear into the night from the window of your room, thinking about how just in a couple of months Lawrence had started feeling like a home. You thought about how Aunt El made sure that you ate every meal and Jo gave up the nicer mattress for you. You thought of the selfless love Sam showered you with and now here was Dean, offering up his hard earned money without a second thought. You had yearned for a full family all your life. Here, you had found one.

**************************

“No no no…” Meg glared at you in horror. “You absolutely CANNOT wear that!”

You looked down at your ash coloured jeans and the cream cashmere sweater. “What’s wrong with this?” You were offended. This was the best fitting pair of jeans you owned and it was a lovely sweater.

“You’re going to a party, honey,” Meg said slowly, as if talking to a five year old. “Not to the Walmart.”

“Hey!”

“Seriously, Y/N. I’m not letting you out in that thing. This reflects very badly on me as a roommate.”

You rolled your eyes. “Dear God, stop with the melodrama!”

“You think this is melodrama?” She got up from the chair. “This is a fashion suicide. I know you have your weird cold thing, but three drinks down you’re not going to feel anything.”

You put your hands on your hips, staring her down, knowing fully well that you wouldn’t get beyond one beer. Three drinks Y/N thought it was a good idea to dance on tables. You did not want to meet her.

“C’mon, in you go!” Meg didn’t give you an option. She pushed you into your room.

You protested to the best of your abilities. “I’m not wearing a stupid dress!”

“You don’t have to wear a stupid dress. Just something cool.”

“Like what?” You challenged.

Meg sat up on your table. “Show me what you got!”

Resigned, you opened your wardrobe for her to see. There wasn’t much to it, so Meg would have to give up sooner or later anyway.

“What’s that I see?” She was pointing towards a purple satin top, hanging at the very end. It was skimpy, with a plunging neckline and noodle straps. The top had been a gift from the girls at your last office, hoping it would brighten your wardrobe.

“Oh, hell no! I’m not wearing that.”

But Meg’s grin in that moment would have given the Cheshire cat a run for its money. “You’re totally wearing that, Darlin.”

Too late to regret now. You should have thrown out that scrappy blouse ages ago.

“That’s barely any material. You know me. I’ll freeze to death in it.”

“That’s why man invented leather. I’ll be back,”

With that, Meg bounded out of your room and returned with one of the coolest black leather jackets you had ever seen. “You try them on!”

It was abundantly clear she wasn’t going to take a no for an answer so you stalked off to the bathroom, making sure you huffed enough to let Meg know you were mad. She couldn’t have cared less.

Trying it on, you realised it actually looked good on you. The smooth velvet satin was sultry and felt great against your skin. It would have otherwise been too skimpy and you wouldn’t have dared to step out in something like that, but paired with the jacket and your dark jeans, you looked like a badass. Feeling bold, you pulled out the kohl pencil and lined your eyes for good measures, then pulled your hair up into a ponytail.

Meg, who was holding a book in her hands, whistled loudly at the sight of you. “Hotness!” She sang. “My, my, Y/N. Where have you been hiding all that?” She was definitely eyeing the tops of your breasts.

You blushed. “You don’t think this is too much, do you?”

“Oh, hell no! You look like a goddess! The only thing missing is a pair of heels.”

“I don’t own any except the formal ones.”

“There’s my pair right in front of the door,” she pointed.

You tried on the classy black heeled boots. They fit perfectly.

“What do you think?” You did a twirl.

Meg blew you a kiss. “You look mind blowing. There are going to be casualties tonight.”

You had to admit, this felt great. To dress up and go out and about. Even though the party was bound to suck and you knew for a fact that you wouldn’t stay beyond a drink, this feeling of confidence made you want to keep dancing. You wanted to ask Meg to come with you, however, she had already mentioned that she had some plans for the night. She’d been cryptic, too, about what they were. You had your suspicions.

“I didn’t know you owned the first edition of To kill a mockingbird,” Meg said, showing you the book she had been holding. “This is priceless.”

“Yeah. It’s my favourite book.”

“Must have cost a fortune.”

“It’s a gift.”

“Do you mind if I keep it for a day or two? I promise it won’t leave the apartment,” she reassured.

“Of course.” It was one the only two things from your past life that you couldn’t bring yourself to part with.

“Have fun, Darling!” Meg kissed your cheek as she handed you her purse. It was all very fancy, the jacket, the boots and now this chain strap purse. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

You blew her a kiss and set out into the night. The Alibi was just a couple blocks away. In those unused boots it felt like a mile. During the stretch, your mind kept wandering to what had happened in the courtroom. Sam would be back in Stanford by now and you desperately wanted to contact him to see if the kid was finally free. Several times you opened your mail and almost typed out a message to him, then backspaced it all. The second guessing was killing you, however, you weren’t sure about where you stood with Sam still.

You were so relieved when you finally reached the bar, albeit fifteen minutes late. The place was halfway between fancy and fun with dark interiors and dim light. Everyone was already there. Madison wore a sparkly green number that brought out her complexion perfectly. She looked absolutely beautiful. Lacey and Rebecca wore similarly skimpy outfits. Meredith was slunking in the corner, busy in her phone, sipping on what looked like a cosmo. Brad and the boys were huddled around the pool table. There were three other girls you didn’t recognise. You assumed they were Madison’s sorority sisters.

Madison squealed when she saw you and immediately tackled you in a hug. “Y/N! I’ve been waiting for you since so long.”

“Happy birthday in advance, Maddie!” You kissed her cheek. “You look stunning.”

“You’re the one to talk.” Madison put you at arm's length, giving you a once over. “You look like a femme fatale. You have a rocking body!”

“So that’s what’s been hiding under the sweaters?” Lacey teased.

You shushed them and pulled out a small package. “This is for you!”

“You shouldn’t have!” Madison said. She opened the box carefully. Inside, were a pair of dangling pearl earrings. They had cost you a bit, but gosh, they were so elegant. You knew they would look lovely on Madison.

“Oh, these are beautiful!” She quickly removed her sparkly pair and replaced them with yours even though they didn’t really match. You were touched.

“This is such a perfect gift, Y/N!”

“Enough with the mushiness,” Lacey complained. “Get her a drink, someone!”

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” Madison said. “What will you have, Y/N?”

“Just a beer, thanks.”

Rebecca who was holding a glass with something red in it, sauntered over to you. “C’mon! The over-achiever of the class can do more than just a beer, right?”

You were taken aback by her comment. Overachiever? You were hardly that. Is that how everyone saw you?

“If she wants a beer, she gets a beer!” Madison adamantly stalked off to get you one.

You took a seat next to Meredith who gave you a nod of acknowledgement and went back to whatever she was doing on her phone. Sometimes you liked her the best in the unholy trinity that followed Madison everywhere.

“Beer for the lady who is a lovely vision tonight.”

It was Brad. You groaned internally, taking the beer from Madison.

“Gotta say, Y/N,” he slid in next to you. “Never figured you would be the one for beer or satin and leather!”

“What can I say, I’m a new discovery everyday.” The sarcasm was dripping off your tongue, but despite scoring a seat in Stanford, Brad didn’t have the mental ability to figure it out.

“I like that in a girl.”

That was your cue to get out of there.

“Gonna head to the powder room.”

You made your exit as quickly as possible. It was close to twelve. All you had to do was stick around till Madison turned twenty-six and then get the hell out of here.

Easy enough, right?

Not so much.

When you got back from the washroom, everyone at your table was highkey excited, giggling and squealing.

“What is going on?” You asked Lacey.

“Look there,” she pointed out to the other end of the bar. “It’s Mr. Winchester.”

You stomach dropped straight to the ground at the mention of his name. And sure enough, there he was sitting in a corner booth dressed in a plaid shirt and jeans, busy with his phone.

“My GOD will you look at him!” Rebecca screeched. “He looks like a fucking lumberjack.”

“Oh, he can lift me all day for as long as he wants,” Lacey sighed.

“Should we go talk to him?” Rebecca asked, excited. “I mean he’s by himself. I can buy him a drink.”

“It’s a private booth, dummy,” Meredith said, looking away from the screen for the first time. “He hasn’t ordered anything. He’s clearly waiting for someone.”

“Maybe we get to see his lady love today,” sighed Lacey.

Rebecca gave her a scornful look. “There’s no one with him right now. So who cares?”

“Madison will. It’s her party and it’s almost midnight,” you said quietly. “Maybe we should concentrate on her right now.”

In reality, you wanted to throw up. You didn’t want to believe Sam would be seeing someone, let alone stay here to witness his date. All that time you had been worrying about his case, had he been waiting for this?

The cake cutting and celebration for Madison was all a blur. There was a lot of hugging, unnecessary screaming and then a round of super expensive drinks.

Rebecca, the absolutely horrible person that she was, decided to go to Sam immediately afterwards and Lacey tagged along. Madison was busy with phone calls, one after another wishing her a happy birthday. It would have been the perfect opportunity to slip out and go home. Instead, with unsteady feet, you walked to the bar.

The bartender had his back to you, so you asked loudly. “Vodka. Neat, please.”

You removed the leather jacket, leaving your shoulders completely bare, the plunging neckline making more skin visible. Next, you yanked the tie out of your hair, letting it spill over your shoulders.

The bartender eyed you appreciatively before putting down the shot in front of you. “This one’s on the house.”

“Thanks!”

You brought the glass to your lips and tipped it back.

“One more!”

“You sure?” He asked, hitching one eyebrow

You grinned, though none of the warmth seeped into your chest. “I am one hundred percent sure.”

“Okay.”

“Oh, hey,” you said, as the distinct squeals of Rebecca laughter erupted from the background. “Make it tequila this time.”

**************************  

A/N 2: Hah! Who is excited for the next chapter? It’s one of my favourites ;)

Biggest hugs to everyone who reblogged and commented. I love you guys!

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[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Eighty-Six

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: Fluff and slight angst. 

Masterpost (all previous parts can be found in the masterpost)

The summer was flying by. It was already time for Niall and Sarah to go to Ireland together. You and Harry drop them off at the airport, and plan to pick them up in two weeks when they return. Work was always boring without Niall, but luckily you had Buster to bring with you to keep you company.

It was around 9PM when you and Harry were driving back from the airport when he got a call from Louis. Harry puts his phone on speaker.

“Hey mate, what’s up?”

“El’s havin’ the baby!”

“Oh my god!” Both you and Harry squeal.

“What hospital are yeh at?” Harry asks.

Louis gives him all the information, and Harry makes a turn to drive back towards the airport so he could get on the Mass Pike. You and Harry were in London when Eleanor had her baby shower, and even though you both sent a gift, you felt terrible for missing it. Louis didn’t have any family in the States, so Harry needed to be there.

A couple of hours later, nearly 11PM, you both get to the hospital and check in. Harry texts Louis to let him know you’re there, and he comes out a few minutes later. They both hug and you hug Louis as well.

“Come on, you both can come in.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah! Her mum’s hoppin’ on a flight as we speak, she could use some familiar faces. She’s not gone into full labor yet. Could be hours until she’s ready to push…sorry it’s so late.” He rubs the back of his neck.

“S’okay, no where else we’d rather be.” Harry says.

You both follow Louis to the room and walk in to see Eleanor reading from a baby name book. She looks up and smiled at the two of you.

“Hi guys, thank you so much for comin’. I’ve got some other friends comin’ in the mornin’, but Lou and I both really wanted you here now…I know it’s late.”

“Don’t be silly.” Harry says to her, rushing over to give her a hug and a kiss on the top of her head. You hug her as well.

“How are you feeling?” You ask.

“Mostly uncomfortable. The contractions come and go, and they’re just dreadful. I can’t describe it.” You notice the baby book.

“And you still don’t know if it’s a boy or girl.”

“Nope.” Louis smiles. “Harr, Bri said she’s gonna being Freddie by in the morin’ too.”

“God, I’m gonna blubber like a baby when I see them together for the first time.” He chuckles.

“Niall’s at the airport?” Louis asks, looking down at his phone.

“Yeah, we had just dropped ‘em off when you called. Otherwise he’d be here.”

“Yeah, said he’s just boardin’.” Louis sighs. “Well I’m glad you both are here.”

Harry and Louis leave to get some coffee while you stay with Eleanor.

“That chair actually folds out so it’s like a little bed…” She says to you.

“Oh! Thanks, maybe I’ll fold it out later. I’m awake now, I’m excited for you.”

“Is Buster going to be alright?”

“Oh sure, we called Rachel and she’s going to spend the night at our place to make sure he’s okay.”

“Oh, good.” She smiles and then she winces. “Oh god, fuck!”

You pop out of your chair and give her your hand to grab. Eleanor’s forehead is laced with sweat. She’s panting and her eyes are screwed shut. Louis and Harry come back in, and Louis is by her side in seconds, squeezing her other hand. She lets out a loud scream and then catches her breath to calm down.

“That was a bad one Lou.” He strokes her forehead.

“I know, love. Hopefully it won’t be too much longer til you’re ready to push.”

Harry hands you a coffee and you thank him. You fold out the chair into the little bed and grab a spare blanket. Louis sits on the hospital bed with Eleanor. Harry sits down on the bed first, and you sit between his legs. A nurse comes in a while later.

“You know visiting hours are over…they have to wait in the lobby.”

“We were told family was okay, that’s my little brother.” Louis explains to the nurse. “And his girlfriend.”

She sighs, and nods. She finishes up with El and leaves.

“Um…I’m a little squeamish. I don’t know if you want us in the room when it’s time, but I don’t see myself being much help…” You say.

“Oh, that’s quite alright.” She smiles. “Do what makes you most comfortable. Harry…I’d like you to stay if that’s alright…I’ll need another hand to hold.”

“You got it.”

Eventually you fall asleep sitting in Harry’s arms. Around 3AM you’re woken up to the sound of Eleanor screaming. It was time. A nurse comes in and gives Harry and Louis some scrubs to put on, and they wheel El out of the room to a more steryl environment. Harry kisses you before putting his mask on and heads out of the room.

//

Harry thought El was going to snap his hand off. Even though they had given her plenty of drugs, she was still in a lot of pain. He was honored, however, to be part of such a beautiful moment.

“Lou I could kill you, I really could kill you!” She screams at him.

“M’sorry!” He says, trying not to laugh.

“Never again, yeh hear me?! Never again!”

“Better learn to wrap it up, mate.” Harry laughs.

“Oh, you shut up!”

“We’re almost there El, give me another good push, we can see the head. Dad, wanna see?”

Louis looks at Eleanor. He wanted to make sure he felt comfortable with him watching. She nods, and takes Harry’s other free hand. Louis’ eyes grow wide, and fill with tears.

“You’re so close, El!” He says.

She screams as she gives another good push, and the doctor is able to pull the baby out. Harry’s eyes start to water when he first hears the baby cry.

“What…what is it, Lou?” El asks, out of breath.

“It’s a girl, love. We made a little baby girl.” His voice crack, tears of joy streaming down his cheeks.

The doctor lets him cut the cord and they clean the baby off quick before letting El hold her, skin to skin.

“Harry…take…take some pictures.” Louis says, looking at his favorite girls.

“Sure!”

He takes his phone out and snaps some pictures. Louis takes his shirt off so he can hold the baby skin to skin too. After a few minutes, the nurses come in to really clean the baby.

“Have a name for her yet?”

“Eliza.” Eleanor says. “Eliza May Tomlinson.”

“God, that’s beautiful.” Harry says in tears. “Listen, I’m gonna go back to the room, give you guys some time alone…I’ll see yeh when they wheel yeh back in.” They both nod and Harry sheds himself of all the scrubs he was given. He comes back to the room to find you asleep. “Baby?” You jerk away and stretch.

“Well?”

“It’s an Eliza May.”

“Oh my goodness, a little girl.” You smile and feel tears start to form.

“Mhm.” Harry sits with you on the little bed and throws an arm around you. He shows you the few pictures he took.

“I can’t believe you watched someone give birth!”

“It was wild. Lou actually watched Eliza come out of El.”

“When we have a baby someday, you’re not doing that.” You both laugh. “Not an image I ever want you to have of me.”

“I’ll respect your decision on that.”

An hour or so later, El’s wheeled back into the room with Eliza in her arms.

“Oh my god, she’s gorgeous.” You say softly.

“Thank you.”

Louis gets on the bed with El. Everyone needed some sleep. You had emailed work already to let them know you wouldn’t be in, and Harry texted Isaac to cancel his appointments, or see what Mariah had room for.

The next morning you wake up to the sound of the baby crying. Louis picks her up and brings her to El to nurse.

“Y/N, do you wanna hold her?” El asks with a yawn.

“I’d love to.”

Louis passes Eliza May over to you. You were in Harry’s arms, and she was in yours. Harry smiles down at her and boops her nose. Her eyes were closed. You eventually pass her over to Harry so you can get up and use the bathroom. You were in desperate need to freshen up. Luckily you were in a room that had its own bathroom.

Nurses came in and out to help Eleanor use the bathroom, and to take her vitals. They took the baby’s vitals as well. When morning visitor hours start, there’s a knock on the door. El was cradling Eliza, when Bri and Freddie come in.

“Uncle Harry!” Freddie gasps, making everyone laugh because Freddie was more excited to see Harry than anyone else.

“Hey champ!” Harry scoops Freddie up in a big hug, making him giggle. “Wanna meet your new sister?”

“Yeah!”

“Bring him right next to me, Harr.” Harry sets Freddie down next to El.”Now, yeh gotta be gentle Fred, she’s brand new.”

Freddie gazes at the baby, and strokes her cheek gently.

“What do yeh think?” Louis asks him.

“She’s pretty, daddy.”

“She really is, Lou.” Bri says. She looks at you. “Hi, I’m Bri, Freddie’s mum.” She shakes your hand.

“Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Y/N, Harry’s girlfriend.”

“Sorry ‘bout that, Bri.” Harry mumbles.

“Mhm.” She rolls her eyes.

“Girlfriend?” Freddie asks looking at Harry.

“That’s right, bud.”

“Hi Freddie, it’s really nice to meet you. I’ve heard so many good things.” You smile at him.

“Well, he’s got his backpack with him. Do you want him here with you for a while? I can leave and come back…”

“What do yeh say, Fred? Wanna hang here for a bit, give mum a break?”

“Okay! Bye mummy!” Bri gives Freddie a hug and kiss and turns to leave. “Congrats again, she’s lovely.”

“Thanks.” Eleanor and Louis say at the same time. Bri leaves the room.

Harry takes a family photo, and then you take a picture of the five of them. Around noon, you and Harry decide it’s time to go. There were hugs all around, and Freddie starts to cry in Harry’s arms.

“Don’t want you to go Uncle H.”

“I know, but I gotta. Wanna give you all some alone time. Yeh need to get to know your baby sister. You’ve got a lot of responsibility now that you’re a big brother.” He kisses his forehead. “Once Mumma El is feelin’ up for it, Y/N and I will come for a nice, long visit okay? But until then I need you to help take care of daddy alright? He’ll need lots of hugs and kisses.”

“Okay.”

“Come on Fred, yeh need a nap.” Louis takes him from Harry. “Thanks for everything, we’ll see yeh soon. We’ll FaceTime and what not.”

“Sounds good.”

More hugs and kisses ensue, and you’re both out the door. You were both exhausted, you couldn’t imagine how tired Eleanor was. You’re both fairly quiet on the ride home. You were mostly trying to stay awake for the two hour ride.

//

When you get into the apartment, Buster comes trotting over to you both. Rachel left a note saying he’d been walked and fed. She had to head to her shift at the ice cream shop. She stripped the bed in the guest room and thrown the sheets in the wash.

“Hi baby.” You hug Buster and go over to the sofa.

Harry plops down next to you, and looks over the pictures on his phone. He bursts into tears and hides his face.

“Jesus, Harry, what’s wrong?” He turns to put his face in your chest while he cries. You wrap your arms around him and rub his back.

“Nothing’s wrong.” He sniffles and looks up at you. “I’m just really happy for them is all.” He wipes his eyes. “And I’m really fuckin’ tired and I feel gross.”

You giggle and nod.

“Think we should shower and then go take a little nap.”

“Okay.”

You both get up and get into the shower. It’s just a quick rinse. You both dry off and get into bed.

“Set the alarm for like an hour and a half. I don’t wanna sleep for too long so we can still go to bed tonight.” Harry says.

You hum your response and set the alarm. You both fall asleep quickly. When your alarm goes off Harry practically growls at it. He leans over you to turn it off, and rests his head on your chest. You play with his hair while you try to wake up.

“Baby?” He asks.

“Hm?”

“Do we have stuff for you to make that buffalo cauliflower for dinner?”

“Sure! I’d be happy to make it.” You kiss the top of his head.

“Thanks.”

“Can’t make it if you don’t get off of me.”

“Ughhhh, fine.” He groans and he rolls off of you.

You shake your head at him and throw some athletic shorts on with a t-shirt.

“Just gonna take Buster out quick and then I’ll get to work on dinner.”

“Alright.”

//

When Harry smells the buffalo sauce, he finally pulls himself out of bed. He goes out to the kitchen only wearing a pair of boxers. He wraps his arms around you from behind.

“Smells really good.” You hum your response. “Work was okay with you not comin’ in?”

“Oh sure…I told them your brother was having a baby.” You laugh.

“S’not a lie.” He yawns. “M’gonna go outside, can we eat out there? Watch the sunset?”

“Mhm.” You smile.

You make up plates for the two of you and whistle for Buster to follow you out. You hand Harry his plate and a napkin and he thanks you.

“Mmm, oh my god.” He moans when he takes a bite. “This tastes better every time I eat it.”

“Thanks sweetie.”

“Remember when you first made it for me?”

“Mhm, you didn’t wanna wait until the weekend to see me again, so you came over on a Wednesday night.”

“And then we fell asleep on your futon.” He laughs.

“Oh yeah! Aww, our first snuggle.” You take a bite of your own. “It was really nice getting to see Freddie. He looks just like Louis!”

“Doesn’t he?! It’s crazy. Eliza May probably will too.”

“Such a pretty name.”

Harry looks down at his plate.

“If we had a little girl…what do you think you’d wanna name her?”

“Harry…”

“Not exactly a girl’s name, but it’s 2020 guess that kind of thing doesn’t really matter anymore.” You sigh heavily. “Oh, you know I’m kidding.”

“I do.”

“You don’t ever think of baby names?”

“Not…really…”

“Oh.” He swallows hard.

“Only because I haven’t thought about babies in a while in general. My head’s been a little preoccupied.”

“Fair enough.”

“Do you?”

“Of course I do!”

He stands up and storms inside. You follow him in quickly and watch him throw his plate in the sink.

“Harry, you could’ve shattered it!”

“I don’t give a fuck about the stupid fuckin’ plate, alright?!”

Buster runs into the kitchen and stands at your side.

“Harry, you’re going to scare him, stop yelling.”

“How can you say you don’t think about that stuff, Y/N?”

“I didn’t say that exactly, it just hasn’t been on my mind in a while.” You sigh. “I knew this was going to happen.”

“You knew what was going to happen?” He crosses his arms.

“I knew the second that baby was born you were going to get like this. You have full on baby fever. We’re not ready-“

“I do not have baby fever.” He huffs. “I just think it’s a little fucked up to tell your boyfriend of almost a year that you don’t think about havin’ kids with him anymore.”

“You’re twisting my words.” You sigh. “I think you’re still just tired, honey. Why don’t you-“

“I’m not a fuckin’ child! I don’t need you to tell me to go to bed!”

“Doll, please don’t yell at me.”

“Don’t call me that right now. Don’t call me anything!”

He storms off and you hear him slam the bedroom door shut.

“What…the fuck just happened?” Buster yips at you.

//

Harry was pacing back and forth in the bedroom. He was going to ask you to marry him in just a few weeks, how could you not even be thinking about these things when he thought about them all the time? He sat on the edge of the bed and cried, sobbed really. He knew he was romanticizing things. He had a tendency to do that a lot. He knew being a parent was a life changing thing. But it’s something that no one’s ever really ready for. He wanted it with you. But now he wasn’t so sure you wanted it with him.

You crack the door open and see him sitting with his head in his hands. You walk in slowly and get on your knees in front of him.

“Jack Edward.” You say looking up at him. He lifts his head and looks down at you.

“What?”

“Jack Edward…is what I would want to name our baby if we had a son…I just never got very far when it came to a girl’s name. Jack was my Nannie’s father’s name, and I remember her saying she always wanted one of us to name one of our kids after him. And Edward, obviously, because that’s your middle name. I figured if we had a girl she could have my middle name, I just can’t think of a first name that it would sound good with. I also really wanna have a boy first, so I think that’s why I only thought of Jack Edward.” You were shaking. You hadn’t seen Harry get that mad at you in a long time. “I thought of it when you and I first had a real discussion about babies.”

He yanks you up to him by your shirt, and you straddle him as he holds you.

“The last thing I ever want you to do is think I don’t…care, or even think about this stuff. I just…well, I’m sorry.”

“I like that name.” He looks at you. His eyes were so red and puffy. “I like it a lot, actually.”

“I’m so sorry I made you that upset.”

“I’ve got a lot on my mind too…” You nod. “I love you so much, and I got scared for a second that we didn’t want the same things…”

“Baby, of course we want the same things, I’m just not in a rush to grow a little human inside me. Our lives will change forever, maybe for the better, but I’m just not ready for that type of responsibility, and sometimes my brain can’t even comprehend it.” He nods. “But don’t you ever think that I don’t want it with you. I want you to be the father of my kids. I want it all with you, Harry.”

“Okay.”

“You believe me, don’t you?”

“Course I do.” He sighs. “Who needs a baby when you have a big fuckin’ one right here?” He shakes his head at himself.

“Harry…” You chuckle. “You’re allowed to get upset with me, it’s okay. I clearly set you off.” You kiss his forehead. “Besides, and don’t tell Buster this, but you’re my favorite baby.” He laughs.

“M’sorry, I know you don’t like bein’ yelled at.”

“It’s okay, I’m sorry too.”

You give him another squeeze and get off of him.

“Think I might turn in early, actually. I’m really tired.”

“Okay honey. I’m gonna watch some TV for a bit, and then I’ll come to bed.”

“Alright, I love you.”

“I love you too.” You give him a quick kiss and leave the bedroom.

“Don’t watch Glee without me, I swear to God!” You laugh and shake your head.

“I won’t!”

You plop down on the sofa with Buster and turn on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, you were in desperate need to catch up with it.

Around 9:30PM you decide it’s time for bed. You creep into the bedroom, and get into the bathroom without waking Harry. When you finish doing your thing you get into bed with him. He was turned over so you do what you know he’ll love and spoon him. He adjusts into you and you get even comfier.

//

“She’s beautiful!” Mariah squeals when Harry shows her and Isaac the pictures of Eliza May.

“Isn’t she? I know she doesn’t even look like a person yet, but…” He chuckles.

“I can’t believe you were in the room with them.” Isaac says.

“Yeah, what was that like?” Mariah asks.

“Incredible, honestly. Eleanor and I have had our share of differences over the years, but in that moment I never felt closer to her…it was really cool. I mean, they didn’t have any family there, they both needed me.”

“Where was Y/N?” Isaac asks.

“Oh, she stayed in the other room. She said she gets really squeamish. Probably for the best, it was a tight squeeze with the doctor and all the nurses anyways.”

Harry and Mariah start in on their clients for the day, another day of back to back appointments. Around noon they both break for lunch. Harry notices Isaac keeps checking his phone.

“Comin’ across the street with us?”

“No…um, I have a lunch date today.” Isaac blushes.

“Oh! Hear that Mariah, Isaac has a lunch date.”

“Oh my! Could it be with that handsome man you’ve been seeing?” She asks teasingly.

“You know his name is Seth, now stop it. He’ll be here any minute. I’ve never seen him in his work clothes before, and I’m a little nervous.”

“Why?” Harry asks with a smirk.

“He’s gonna look all fancy! I mean I know I’m in nice shorts and a button up, but he…oh my god here he comes.”

Seth walks into the studio with a pair of navy dress pants on and a white shirt sleeve button up. You could see his tones biceps and the tattoos covering them very well.

“Wow, gang’s all here.” He smirks. “Ready for lunch?” He smiles at Isaac.

“Mhm.” He smiles back.

Harry puts an arm around Mariah’s shoulders and she puts one around his waist.

“Don’t have him out too late now, he’s got a curfew.” Harry says.

Isaac turns around and flips the two of them off. Seth laughs and waves to both of them.

“They’re cute.” Mariah says, letting go over Harry. They both grab their lunches and head across the street.

“I guess.” Harry shrugs. They both sit at an open bench.

“What do you mean you guess? You should have heard him going on about him yesterday.”

“Has he given you any…intimate details? He won’t tell me anything.”

“Not really. To be honest I think they’ve only kissed a little. Isaac’s trying to play it a little cool, not move too fast. He said it’s really hard though because I guess they were making out one night and Seth really pressed up against his leg, and…” Mariah trails off.

“And what?”

“Well…he felt how big it was.” Harry nearly chokes on his salad, and Mariah starts laughing.

“Define big.”

“That’s all he said.” She puts a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry Harry, I’m sure it’s not bigger than yours.” She giggles.

“That’s not…I could give two shits about that.”

“Are you sure?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “Just makes me wonder if that’s maybe why Y/N liked hookin’ up with him so much.”

“Well…I mean, probably.”

“You know,” Harry turns to her. “A big dick doesn’t mean jack shit if you don’t know what to do with it.”

“Or if you don’t know what to do with this.” Mariah makes makes a V with two of her fingers and sticks her tongue between them, making Harry burst into laughter.

“Absolutely right.” He takes another bite of his food. “You know she told me he used to have his tongue pierced.”

“Ah, definitely knows what he’s doing then. I’ve got mine.” She sticks her tongue out.

“I know you do.” He laughs. “Whatever, at least he doesn’t seem to be into her like that. You should have seen them on our date a couple weeks ago, they were actually nice to see Isaac so happy.”

“He really does seem like a genuine dude. Isaac probably likes him so much because you both look and act so similarly.”

“We’re not that similar.”

“I don’t know, a really sweet guy with a few tattoos, tall, big dick…”

“Enough! Jesus, are you sure you’re a lesbian? You sure love talkin’ about dicks.” She laughs while sipping her water.

“Definitely a lesbian, it’s just fun to tease you.” She nudges him.

They go for a quick walk after lunch and head back to the studio. They walk in just as Seth is kissing Isaac goodbye at his desk. Harry and Mariah start giggling to themselves. Isaac’s cheeks blush. Seth looks over at them and sighs.

“Right, so I’ll text you later.” He says looking at Isaac.

“Sounds good, thanks again for lunch.”

“Course, I was happy to see you.” He winks at him. “Good to see you both. Harry, Y/N tells me your friend had a baby, congrats.”

“Thanks. When did she tell you that?”

“Last night.” He puts his hand on his shoulder. “We text each other, a lot.” He smiles and leaves.

“I can’t tell if I like him, or if I hate him.” Harry says as him and Mariah walk over to Isaac’s desk. Mariah makes a kissy face at Isaac.

“You two are so annoying.”

“Don’t be so embarrassed.” Harry says. “So how was it, where’d yeh go?”

“We just went to the bistro down the street, had some sandwiches.” He shrugs. “He’s really nice to talk to, he’s super smart, but not like in annoying I think I’m better than you way.” He smiles. “I think I really like him…I have a huge crush.” Harry and Mariah make a cute face at each other. “Stop!” He whines.

“We’re just happy for yeh, mate.” Harry leans on his desk and grabs a mint out of the bowl Isaac keeps. “He ever talk about my girl?”

“No.” Isaac scoffs. “Not unless I ask a question about the two of them. He’s told a few college stories, but he’s a gentleman.” Harry nods. “He did tell me about this one time…well, I don’t know if I should tell you.” He crosses his arms. “You both have been so annoying.”

“Oh come on Isaac, we mean well.” Mariah says.

“Yeah, what story did he tell you?”

“Apparently, they were all having a party one time, a real rager. She guzzled down beer from this funnel, and she was able to take it better than anyone else. He showed me a really old picture from Insta that he had archived so no one else could see it. I couldn’t even believe how she was dressed, she looked so hot.” He laughs and takes his phone out. “I took a picture of his phone, I knew I had to show you.”

Isaac shows them his phone. There you were with the funnel in your mouth. Hair blown out and straight, blonde highlights a little more prominent. You had a black, lace, bralette on with a short, forest green pencil skirt. Your eyes were closed while you your lips were wrapped around the tip of the hose attaches to the funnel. Seth was holding up the top and pour the beer in.

“Jesus.” Harry grabs the phone and zooms in. “You can, like, see her ribs.”

“Very skinny.” Mariah says. “She looks much healthier now.” Harry hums his response.

“I remember girls dressing like this for parties all the time.” Harry hands Isaac his phone back and scoffs. “Glad he had the decency to archive the photo.”

“Oh his insta is like super professional now. He archived a lot of pictures.” Isaac smiles. “And then we talked about music, and god he has such good taste. I think we’re gonna hang out this weekend so we can listen to his records.”

“Records?” Mariah looks at Harry. “Hear that, Sethy has records.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“What? Do you have records too?” Isaac asks.

“A few, yeah. Mariah here thinks it’s funny that Seth and I…have some similar qualities.”

“It is a little uncanny, but I’m good with it.” He shrugs.

The next couple of clients start to come in, so Harry and Mariah get back to work.

//

Your eyes snap open at the sound of your name, and you almost deck Harry when you see him hovering over you, as you lay on the couch.

“Babe, calm down, it’s just me.” He says. “Are you okay? I brought home some takeout for dinner.”

“What? But I made a Caesar salad.”

“You did?” He smiles. “Well good, we can eat that on the side, how’s that sound?” You sit up and look around. “How long you nap for?”

“I…have no idea. I had the weirdest dream…”

“Bout what?” He sits next to you and feels your forehead. “You’re really warm, I’m gonna get the thermometer.”

“Wait, so you’re not mad?”

“About what?”

“About me and Seth talking on the phone earlier?”

“You spoke with him today?” You nod. “Nice. Saw him today when he brought Isaac back from their lunch date, told me you two talk a lot.” He shrugs. “Guess it doesn’t bother me, not really. We all need friends, right?” He gets up from the sofa and gets a thermometer. When he comes back you look thoroughly confused.

“It was so real.”

“What was?”

“My dream. You came home and then we got into this fight and then you got really scary…”

“Scary how?” He frowns.

“You kept saying you were in a mood, and I needed to deal with it, and then you were like let me fuck you or whatever and I told you that you were scaring me and you said good you wanted me to be scared.” You burst into tears.

“Oh, baby.” He cups your cheek. “I’m sorry…” He sticks the thermometer in your ear. “Christ, think you had a fever dream, says 102.”

“Oh god.”

“Do you get fevers in the summer a lot?”

“No…maybe all the traveling is catching up to me?”

“Could be. Come on, let’s get you into bed. I’ll make you some tea, yeah?”

“No, I can take care of myself, you do enough.” You stand up, your body is a little achy and a little shaky. Your nerves were shot from your dream. “Buster…”

“Took him out and fed him. You were knocked out when I got in. Please, babe, I don’t mind. In fact, I’ll run a hot bath. You gotta sweat this out. Feel alright at work today?”

“Yeah, I felt perfectly fine.” He leads you down to the bathroom and you sit on the edge of the tub while he fills it.

“Alright, well, we’ll see how your temp does. It could go down a good amount if we play this right. I’m gonna go change the sheets quick.”

“I can do that.”

“Y/N, just watch the bath, alright?”

Once the tub is filled you get in and try to relax. Harry comes in with his sushi box in one hand and chopsticks in the other.

“Ew, don’t eat in here.” He steps back to the doorway.

“Better?” He laughs.

“You don’t need to watch me.”

“Wanted to make sure you didn’t fall asleep and drown.” He pops some sushi into his mouth. “Wonder if you caught somethin’ at the hospital.”

“Oh, that could be.” You sigh. “Just my luck.” You stand up and wrap yourself in a towel.

“Got a cup of tea on your night table, and I got the bed all made up. Laid out some pj’s for you too. You should take some NyQuil tonight, or some Tylenol to help you sleep.”

“Would you get into bed with me to cuddle?”

“Of course! Want me to grab my laptop? We can watch TV.”

“Wanna watch Glee?”

“Um, obviously.” He smirks.

You don’t know where in the fuck your dream came from, but you were happy it was all just a dream. Your Harry would never randomly just flip a switch like that. You get into your pj’s and get cozy in bed with him. You take some Tylenol with your tea, and you even allow Buster to sit at the end of your bed for a while.

Harry puts Glee on and throws an arm around you. He took your temp again. It was the same, but at least it hadn’t gotten higher.

“Wait, Finn is havin’ second thoughts about Rachel?” You had just started the second season.

“Oh honey, you have a big storm coming.”

[blkmxrvel]

Haven’t Forgotten My Way Home (18)- [CONVERTED]

Pairing: Kara Zor-El x Female!Reader

Summary: In the D/s society of National City, men and women abandoned by their Dom/mes or otherwise deemed unfit for life “outside” end up at the Mount Overland House for Orphaned Submissives. It is here that Kara Zor-El finds Y/N Hastings, broken and fearful from mistreatment at the hands of her former Dom. Can Kara coax Y/N back into the world that once so terrified her, and show her the true meaning of care and submission?

Warnings: Domestic Violence (Flashbacks, Mentions and Descriptions), Misogyny, Domination/Submission.

The taxi dropped her off in front of the National City Mall at exactly 12:15. Y/N swallowed hard, staring at the structure with the 4 pillars at the door, before finally taking a deep breath and walking inside. She stopped just mere steps beyond the door, momentarily stunned by the crowd that was already gathering, busy shoppers bustling back and forth between Aeropostale, Bath and Body Works, Gap, the food court…  Her head swam with all the options stretched out before her, and though she’d been here before with Kara and was at least a little familiar with how things worked, Y/N’s first instinct was to run.

But she didn’t.

She glanced around at all of the possibilities, all of the people still scattered talking with each other and laughing merrily. She could do this. She’d prove to Kara, to all of them, that she could make her own decision. She tilted her head, her eyes landing on one store. Victoria’s Secret. That sounded like a nice one. Straightening herself up, Y/N made her way to the entrance.

Five minutes later she walked out, her face red to the tips of her ears. Maybe she’d save that store for later. Much later. Although that little blue outfit in the corner, Kara might look goo—

No. No, she would not think about that at all.

She was so embarrassed she was looking down at her feet while she walked, not paying attention, but her eyes soon snapped up as she collided with someone. Stammering out an apology, she found herself face to face with the flower seller from her previous visit to the mall with Kara.

“Don’t worry about it,” the girl said with a smile. “How about you, are you okay? You’re not hurt or anything are you?”

Y/N shook her head. “No, I’m fine, I’m just sorry I wasn’t watching where I was going. I’m not... I don’t… I’m not from around here,” she finished awkwardly. “So I’m trying to figure out where everything is.”

“Oh, I see,” the girl said, nodding sympathetically. “Your domme not with you today?”

“My domme?” Y/N said, confused. “I don’t have a domme…”

“Oh!” The girl furrowed her brow. “Well you had someone with you the last time I saw you, and when you got the flower you said she was someone special, so I just assumed…”

“No,�� Y/N shook her head and looked off into the distance. “She’s not my domme.”

It had been three days since she’d spoken to Kara. Her nose wrinkled every time she thought of her like that. Kara. Not Miss Kara. It felt bitter on her tongue, even just thinking about not giving Kara the respect Y/N felt she deserved. But then again, she hadn’t exactly been respectful to her the last time she’d seen her. She still couldn’t believe that she’d spoken to Kara that way, acted like she had. And when Kara had been so good to her, too. Y/N hadn’t deserved any of it. She’d let herself get tired and cranky, and as a result hurt the one person who had been trying to take care of her. Then instead of fixing it, she’d just left. And Y/N had blatantly not called her in three days, and not sent any texts. It had gotten to the point that Maggie had called, asking Y/N through sniffles and sneezes if she was okay – and if she was out of her mind.

She’d told her to get well soon, and hung up without answering any of her questions.

Nia had reserved any opinions until that morning, when she finally cornered Y/N in the kitchen as she made her breakfast.

“It’s not fair, you know,” she’d said. “I mean I don’t know what happened to you and Kara, but I remember how upset you were when she didn’t show up that week you were sick. And now you’re not talking to her, but she’s called me twice to make sure you’re okay. And she sounds heartbroken. So whatever it is, I think you ought to fix it.”

Y/N had just shrugged, and said that she couldn’t, so it was better for Kara if she didn’t talk to her.

“Hey, are you sure you’re all right?” the flower seller was asking her, and Y/N focused back on her. “You look really sad, and that’s not something you should look like.”

Y/N offered a half-hearted smile. “I’m all right. I think I’ll just do a little shopping.”

“Well…” the girl looked at her flower cart, then back at Y/N. “I’m going on my lunch break, why don’t you join me? I’ve always thought there’s nothing a good meal can’t fix.”

It was on the tip of her tongue to say no, but… it’d be nice, to have lunch with someone. Even someone she didn’t know. And they’d be going to a public place, so it’s not like it wouldn’t be safe…

“All right,” Y/N said. “I’d love to.”

“Great!” the girl said, beaming, and then extended her hand. “I’m Kelly.”

Y/N moved to take her hand, and then stopped short, seeing the small X just above her middle knuckle.

The mark of a Dominant.

She took Kelly’s hand and shook it tentatively. “Y/N,” she said softly, feeling a little tense in spite of herself. “My name is Y/N. It’s nice to meet you, Kelly.”

She wondered if she ought to call her Miss Kelly, but no, Y/N decided. Kelly wasn’t her Dominant, and besides, it would just feel weird to give anyone else but Kara that respect. Even if she’d never be able to give Kara that respect again, Y/N knew it would stay buried in her heart somewhere, deep enough to never be seen but just enough below the surface that maybe, just maybe, one day…

And then Kelly was speaking to her again, as they walked towards the food court. “So, what are you in the mood for?”

“Oh, whatever you—“ Y/N stopped, then pursed her lips. “Burgers,” she said firmly. “I’m in the mood for burgers.”

“Burgers it is, then!” Kelly said, walking with Y/N to the nearest food station. Any nervousness Y/N might have had dissipated with the other girl’s cheerful attitude, plus the line moved entirely too quickly for her to be too nervous, as she found herself ordering and then sitting at a table in the middle of the court within minutes.

“So,” Kelly said, spearing her ketchup with a french fry and grinning at Y/N, “You’re not from around here? Where are you from, then?”

“Oh, um…” Y/N flushed, feeling anxious as she wondered what would be all right to tell Kelly, and what she might need to keep to herself. Finally she shrugged. “I am actually from National City but…” She looked away, not wanting to see Kelly’s reaction at her next words.

“I was living in Mt. Overland House. I’m not now, though, but I’m still trying to figure things out.”

There was silence, even amid all the noise and chaos going on around them. Y/N sighed inwardly. Maybe she should just get up and leave. Clearly Kelly wouldn’t want to be friends with someone so… broken.

But a hand on hers stopped Y/N from getting up from her seat, and she looked at Kelly.

“I’m sorry,” the other girl said seriously before pulling her hand away. She shook her head. “I can only imagine why you were there, and I am really, really sorry.” She met Y/N’s gaze and asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t even know you,” Y/N blurted, then colored deep crimson. “I-I’m sorry,” she said hastily. “But I mean, I don’t even know you. Why would you want to listen to any of that stuff?”

And how do I even know you would care? She wanted to add. Y/N knew it was an unfair assumption to make, but Kelly was a Dominant. For all Y/N knew the woman wanted to hear the details because of some sick pleasure of hers. Like James’s friends who enjoyed hearing her cry and beg him to have mercy on her, to forgive her. She shivered a little, remembering, and tried to press it out of her head.

“I don’t know,” Kelly said with a shrug. “But you look sad, and kind of like you need someone to talk to. And I’ve been told I can be a pretty good friend.”

“I’m not sad because of that, though,” Y/N insisted, and then rushed to add, “And I’m not sad anyway.”

Kelly gave her a knowing look, and Y/N sighed.

“I-I had… a Sir,” she said uneasily, looking around almost as if she expected him to pop up behind her, ready to drag her away by her hair. He’d been fond of doing that. “I was with him a long time, and I-I ran away.”

“Because he wasn’t good to you?”

“He was the worst,” Y/N said, suddenly angry. It scared her, the way her hands clenched around the burger she was holding, the way the blood rushed to her head and made her feel dizzy. “He was mean, and he… hurt me. Any chance he could get.” She took a deep breath, feeling the anger rise within her then fade, but only slightly.

“He just liked to… hurt me. It was almost as if… he fed on making me feel things. He’d ask me all the time. ‘Feel that?’ ‘Can you feel that?’ ‘Do you even feel anything anymore?’ Even while I was screaming or crying. He knew I felt it, and I think the more he knew I felt it, the more he wanted me to feel. It doesn’t make sense, I guess,” Y/N trailed off.

She stopped short of telling Kelly what it had been like the night she left, the thing that he wanted to do to her. She didn’t tell her about saying that word, the one word that she had never spoken to him in defiance, the word that would forever break that unspoken rule, the bond between them that was meant to be forever, that she’d worked so hard to keep forever. Because she’d wanted to be his. She’d wanted him to look at her with love, to treat her with gentleness and care even as he was punishing her. She wanted more than anything to hear five words from him, and when she never heard it, she’d said the one.

Good girl, I love you.

No.

Her mind flashed back briefly to that night, to the moment when she’d realized she’d forgotten shoes in her haste to get away. It had been raining, and the ground was wet and slippery underneath her bare feet. She’d almost fallen, sliding on some wet leaves. A tree branch had smacked her in the face and she’d shrieked, for a moment thinking he’d caught up with her. She couldn’t stop looking over her shoulder as she ran; every snap of a twig she felt sure was him sneaking up behind her, every car she heard she was sure it was James driving up to snatch her back to the life she was so desperate to leave. She ran blindly, awkwardly, swerving here and there to avoid shadows and sounds that she was so terrified were him.

The last thing she saw was the headlights of the truck bearing down on her,  the last thing she heard was her own scream.

She’d woken up in Mt. Overland House. To strangers. To doctors. To questions and no answers, to a wheelchair and useless legs. To being… nobody.

And then Kara had walked in.

“Okay,” Kelly said gently. “So not a good guy. I hope he’s in jail.”

“I don’t know where he is,” Y/N said, and it was true. She’d shown up to the House battered and bruised, and though she wouldn’t tell Nia, the doctors, or any of the council members who’d come to question her any of her reasons for leaving, a cursory examination by the doctor had been enough to describe Y/N’s wounds, those not caused by the accident, as “beyond what should be found in a safe relationship,” and she’d heard one of the council members tell Nia that James would be arrested. Beyond that, she had no idea.

“He could be just over there for all I know,” Y/N said, gesturing towards the far end of the food court. “My friend Alex says there will probably be a trial, but I don’t… I don’t want to have anything to do with that.”

“Hopefully they won’t make you,” Kelly said, finishing off the last of her burger and pushing the tray away from herself. “But you never know, it might be good for you to stand up to him again. Shows you’ve got the power, not him.”

Y/N finished her own lunch and took a last sip of her drink, feeling full, content, and confused. She’d never really thought of it that way. What would it be like to stand up to Si- to James in court, to tell him that what he’d done was wrong?

Y/N blinked.

James was wrong.

Maybe he was her Dominant. Maybe she’d been promised to him since birth, she heard herself explaining to Kelly. But she couldn’t imagine that that meant he could do to her whatever he wanted, that she was to be used and abused like a toy belonging to a petulant child. She’d been taught that once she left her home and moved in with James that she was his property, that he owned her, her body, mind, and her soul. Her thoughts were not her own, her body and sexuality were not her own. Everything Y/N ceased to be, and James’s slut came into existence.

But Kara was so different from James… But Y/N kept from saying this to Kelly, instead preferring to fall silent after her little rant and study the pattern on the table in front of her.

“Not all Dominants are like him,” Kelly said. “I’d like to think I’m not.”

“Oh, I’m sure your submissive doesn’t at all think you’re like that.”

Kelly grinned wryly. “I don’t have a submissive. I am not-so-blissfully single at the moment.”

It was Kelly’s turn to tell her story, then, about how she’d grown up in a town just outside of National City, and attended a little school for Dominants and submissives called Metropolis. She’d moved out to live on her own when she was 18, and when she was 20 she’d met a boy, a submissive. Kelly’s eyes lit up, albeit a little sadly, as she described him; he was a graceful but powerful dancer, all muscle with a sharp mind as well, and eager to please. But it hadn’t worked out, she sighed to Y/N, and they’d gone their separate ways. Since then, there hadn’t been anyone to quite catch her eye.

“It’ll happen, sooner or later,” she said to Y/N, smiling to show that she wasn’t unhappy. “I’m satisfied with my life here, with my job, and I enjoy going out with my friends and having time to myself without having to worry about someone else. But at the same time, I can’t turn off that side of me that wants to dominate someone. I just have to be patient and know that I’ll find him, or her, when the time’s right.”

Y/N nodded, talking almost to herself. “That’s what I keep trying to remember, that I’ll find… that the one for me is out there. I just… I thought I’d found her already, but she didn’t want to dominate me.”

Kelly raised an eyebrow. “Well isn’t it a bit early for that though? I mean you are just out of a bad claim, you need time to heal and make your own decisions.”

“I know that,” Y/N said defensively, then bit her lip and shook her head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound disrespectful. It’s just everyone keeps telling me to make my own decisions, and I made that one – I still want to be submissive. I still need it. But apparently no one trusts me to make that decision.”

“I don’t think it’s that they don’t trust you. Maybe it’s that they care so much for you they want to make sure you’ve had time to think about it, to make sure it’s the right decision for you.”

“I know it’s the right decision,” Y/N said. “I can’t turn off who I am any more than you can, or any other Dominant or submissive can.”

They fell away from that conversation then, moving to talk about more mundane things: Kelly’s job and Y/N’s life at Nia’s, her drawings and the ridiculous shows on television. It felt good to laugh, Y/N thought; she couldn’t remember when she’d ever really laughed at James’s. But now it was okay to laugh, it was okay to sit in a food court with her feet up in a chair, to let Kelly buy them both ice creams and not feel guilty about it. It was nice not to have to think about her life with James, or Kara being disappointed at her, or how she had messed things up and wouldn’t ever be able to fix it. She thought about the birds outside of Mt. Overland House, and Y/N realized that at that moment, that was how she felt. Free to fly and just be. She’d worry about getting home later.

But all too soon it was time for Kelly to return to her flower cart, and Y/N helped her put up the trays and throw away the trash, thanking her profusely for lunch. Kelly waved her off.

“I had fun,” she said. “And I… wouldn’t mind doing it again sometime.” She smiled a little nervously at Y/N. “You know, Y/N, you’re really beautiful, and if you’d like, maybe we could… go out, on a date. And I know it’s too early to do much but if you need someone to take control every once in a while… I can do that. We can go slow, and I wouldn’t be like him.”

Y/N’s mouth opened in a little “o,” and she blushed furiously. Someone was interested in her, she thought. Someone thought she was beautiful. And it was someone besides Kara. Not to mention, this someone was offering her what she wanted, what she needed. It’d be so easy, she thought. Kelly was nice, she was beautiful too; and it would be so easy for Y/N to slip back into that role, to let Kelly dominate her and be everything that Y/N wanted….

Y/N shook her head. “I-I’m flattered,” she said softly, “but no. it’s just that, well, there’s—“

“That someone special,” Kelly said with a knowing grin.

Y/N nodded, embarrassed. “It’s not just that I want a Dominant,” she said. “It’s, I want… her, I—“

Kelly reached out and squeezed her arm. “Relax,” she said, “I get it.” Her eyes were again briefly sad. “There’s still that special someone for me, too.”

“You should call him,” Y/N said, walking with Kelly back to the flower cart.

“I should, shouldn’t I?” Kelly pondered this, then asked, “What’s she like?” Catching Y/N’s look of confusion, she rolled her eyes. “Your special someone.”

Y/N giggled, thinking back to that day Kara had walked into Mt. Overland House and planted herself next to Y/N as if they had been old friends. She’d been so sure of herself in the way she’d talked, in the way she’d offered Y/N an apple slice and spoke in a quiet and gentle voice. And though she didn’t know her, had never seen the girl in her life, she’d been disappointed when Kara had got up to leave. Then thrilled when Kara had returned with promises to come visit her again.

After Kara had left Mt. Overland House that first day Y/N had sat for a few moments, then picked up the apple slice and looked it. It was the first thing she’d been given in a long time that was completely hers.

She’d stared at it for a few long minutes before eating it. And then… she’d felt a little stronger.

“She came every day,” Y/N explained. “And I sat there and I didn’t say a word, but she was loud and bossy and sometimes wore the most hideous clothes…” She sighed and shook her head, feeling herself tear up.

“And she’s the most amazing, most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Kelly beamed at Y/N and nudged her. “Then you should call her.”

Y/N couldn’t help but smile back. “Maybe I should.”

She took Kelly’s number and gave the woman hers, with promises that they’d meet again for lunch sometime – as friends. It excited Y/N as she walked along the mall, not wanting to buy anything but just to revel in the freedom of being alone, being on her own, being able to handle things and to know that she’d made a friend in the process. For the first time in her life she had friends. Her own little circle of people, of Alex, Maggie, Kelly…

Kara.

She went home empty-handed but happy, and even Nia wondered if things had worked out between her and Kara now that Y/N seemed to be in such a good mood. Y/N hadn’t answered that and simply went back to her room to watch cartoons. When it came time for dinner she made lasagna for herself and Nia, who had immediately fallen in love with it and jokingly wondered where Y/N had been all her life. Later that night, Y/N chose the berry body wash for her shower, along with the herbal shampoo. She decided on the blue pajamas instead of the pink ones, and laid out her blue dress and white cardigan for the next afternoon. They were tiny decisions, but the next one was major.

She set her the alarm on her phone for 8 a.m., because she knew that’s when Kara would be awake and having the first cups of coffee to help her get ready for the day. She knew that would be the best time to call Kara and fix the mess she had made of them both.

She’d apologize, she decided. She’d apologize and tell Kara that she still wanted to be dominated, but that she shouldn’t have tried to coerce Kara before she was ready. She’d apologize for pressuring Kara about New York.

She’d ask Kara to forgive her, and then she’d shyly ask Kara for another date. Maybe to the theater again, or a picnic. Y/N had seen couples with their blankets spread out with food tucked inside a wicker basket, and it had looked romantic and fun. Maybe Kara would like that.

She must’ve fallen asleep thinking about where she could take Kara for their date, because when she was startled awake by the phone ringing loudly in her ear the bedside clock read two twenty three a.m. She grumbled, wondering who the hell would call her at such an hour, and resolving to kill Maggie if it was her whiny, cold-afflicted self. She fumbled for the phone and her eyes widened at the familiar face on the screen.

“A-are you all right?” she said to the person on the other end of the line, sounding less frantic than she felt. “Do you n-need anything?” Her mind raced with all of the things that could possibly be wrong; she was so terrified that she nearly missed what was being said, softly and nervously, into her ear.

But the words made it to her anyway, and Y/N swallowed hard, brushing the back of her hand against her eyes. When she brought it away again, her skin was wet.

“Okay, Kara,” she finally agreed, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Yes.”

[eirikrjs]

The Satanael Solution

An anon recently sent me their own take on Satanael in P5, beginning with this simple question: 

This has been on my mind for some time, but who does Satanael’s compendium entry refer to?

An archangel who is said to be the form of Satan before he fell from Heaven. The second son of God, he rebelled against Him for freedom and bestowed free will and chaos upon humanity.

It got me thinking about it as well. About drawing from the same old wells, that is. If you recall, the book Angels: An Endangered Species by Malcolm Godwin, a tome of dubious character and specious content, seems to be why SMT claims Metatron is violent and why Gabriel became female in SMT2. Keep in mind that this is a book cited in official Atlus bibliographies!

To answer the anon’s question, the “who” is still Satanael. Unsurprisingly, the book also contains the sum total of all Atlus descriptions and depictions of Satanael. The quality of that information is a whole different story, though. If you want to take a shortcut, check out the book excerpts above and keep the Satanael profile and his role in P5 in mind while you do.

Read on to find out lots more!

First, here is the anon’s original submission:

_______________________________________________________

This has been on my mind for some time, but who does Satanael’s compendium entry refer to?

An archangel who is said to be the form of Satan before he fell from Heaven. The second son of God, he rebelled against Him for freedom and bestowed free will and chaos upon humanity.

Most of it is vague enough to be applicable to any devil figure. But the ‘second son of God’ bit kind of makes concrete identification problematic. The Bogomil Satanail, from what I can find, is the first son of God, with Michael-Jesus being the second. The 2 Enoch Satanail, if I remember correctly, never has his order of birth/creation discussed.

Then there’s this bit from Megaten wiki:

In some Gnostic traditions, Satanael is said to be an angel that once served the Demiurge. He rebelled when he realized that the Demiurge was not the true God and granted humanity the knowledge to liberate themselves from the Demiurge.

Is there any basis for this? This story is parroted on TV-tropes and in YouTube comments, but I can’t for the life of me find anything that would corroborate this tale.

Honestly, the best candidate I found is a Satan figure named Beliar from “Questions of Bartholomew”. Let's see how he stacks to the compendium entry:

An archangel who is said to be the form of Satan before he fell from Heaven. Check. Straight up, pre-fall - Satanael, post-fall - Beliar.

The second son of God, Kind of. He repeatedly says how he was the first angel. However (if I correctly understood notes on this page), the Vienna Manuscript version of “Questions of Bartholomew” has him mention that before angels were created, God had his Son. That would make Satanael the second son (if angels = sons of God).

he rebelled against Him for freedom Again, kind of. He rebelled because he refused to worship Adam, which can be interpreted as refusing to follow what he saw an arbitrary order from the authority figure, which in turn can be seen as bid for freedom.

and bestowed free will and chaos upon humanity. Yet again, kind of. He poisoned the water in Eden with his sweat (and hair in some versions), Eve drank it and it corrupted her. I guess the episode with serpent and fruit of tree of knowledge of good and evil follows after that, with Satanael implicitly being the serpent there, but don’t quote me on that. So he introduced disobedience to God, which can be synonymized with chaos and free will.

Beliar’s story contains some narrative parallels with the scenes following the first gameplay segment of Persona 5.

Beliar:                                                                                          

Is brought in for Bartholomew’s interrogation by a very large number of angels (the number varies between versions).

Is chained.

Gets his neck stepped on.

Gives his original angelic name. Until then we only heard his demonic one.

Is forced to recount his tale of how he fell.

Said fall started with refusal to worship Adam, even though God commanded it.

The P5 protagonist:

Is captured and brought in by a very large number of cops.

Is handcuffed.

Gets his head stepped on by the bug-eyed cop.

Gives his civilian name (or rather we give it). Until then we only hear his thief codename.

Recounts his own “crimes”.

Said “crimes” started with confronting Shido, who by the will of society or societal order, which is metaphorically the decision-making God here, has a position that implies automatic respect for him (who also believed himself to be God’s chosen, unless that’s just a Japanese turn of phrase translated too literally).

Finally, Satanael-Beliar seems to have some Gnostic leanings himself, if this quote of his is anything to go by:

And when I came from the ends of the earth Michael said: Worship thou the image of God, which he hath made according to his likeness. But I said: I am fire of fire, I was the first angel formed, and shall worship clay and matter?

Disdain for the materialistic is one of the more common tenets of Gnostic traditions. So I could see this Satanael not getting along with a very materialism-oriented Yaldabaoth, if you put them in the same room (I believe there is a bit more going on in this confrontation, but I’ll save that for another time, when I have the quotes to back up my assumptions).

So, what do you think? Is this a plausible take?

________________________________________________________

First, a fantastic exercise in research! Is it plausible? Probably not. That said, mentioning Beliar/Belial brings up an interesting aside. Here is his profile in the SMT1 remakes:

"Origin: Israel. The fallen angel Satanel. He is known as the prince of lies and swindling. He rides a chariot of fire and has the appearance of two soft-spoken angels. However, contrary to his appearance, he is one of the most evil and lowly beings that exists. It is said that he is the one who brought immorality to Sodom and Gammorah." 

Like you said, the Questions of Bartholomew says that Beliar’s/Satan’s pre-fall name is Satanael. That’s the only reason for this blurb in Belial’s profile which is otherwise just the Goetia description. Unfortunately, the Questions of Bartholomew Satanael is still just another devil figure in a Christian worldview, i.e., he’s bad news. And definitely not a demiurge or associated with a demiurge.

As for how Atlus themselves sees Satanael, here’s his profile from Kaneko Pandemonium volume 1:

And machine-transcribed:

サタナエル【キリスト教】 サタナエルは、サタナイルとも呼ばれる悪魔で、元は神の息子でキリストと兄弟であるとされる。 一説ではうサタンの正式名称ともされている 。 神の座を奪おうと、サタナエルは天使の3分の1を巻き込んで谋反を起こそうとしたが、未然に発覚してしまい、神により仲間の天使たちとともに天界から追放された。 このことから様な異教の神と重ね合わされ、七つの大罪 (高慢 ・怠惰・羨望・好色・怨念・大食・貪欲) のすべてを司る存在となった。 追放されたサタナエルは仲間とともに「第二の天」であるこの世界を作ったという。 【登場作品】 デビルサマナーソウルハッカーズ [Lv.70/Dark-Chaos] 

And machine-translated with some corrections:

Satanael [Christianity] Satanael is a devil also called Satanail and is said to be the son of God and a brother to Christ. According to one theory, it is the formal name of Satan. In order to take the throne of God, Satanael tried to provoke a rebellion involving one-third of the angels, but it was discovered and he was banished from heaven with fellow angels. For this, he was conflated with pagan gods and presided over all Seven Deadly Sins (pride, laziness, envy, lust, hatred, gluttony, and greed). The exiled Satanael is said to have created this world, the "second heaven", with his associates. [Appearances] Devil Summoner Soul Hackers [Lv.70/Dark-Chaos]

So, the non-traditional claims about Satanael are thus:

son of God, brother to Christ

equated with “fallen” deities

he who rules over the Seven Deadly Sins

the creator this world

And here’s the P5 profile for convenience, which is just a condensed version of what you just read:

An archangel who is said to be the form of Satan before he fell from Heaven. The second son of God, he rebelled against Him for freedom and bestowed free will and chaos upon humanity.

That brings us to the source, the Angels book. Note that most of the time when the book says “Satan-el,” it’s just usually as a formality, indeed as the “formal name” of vanilla “accuser” Satan, particularly Satan as angel. I think. Confusingly, note that this “Satan-el” is claimed to also contain with him “Satan”; also he is equated with all the identities and deeds of every other demon named. This use of Satan-el by Godwin seems to have caused a key mistranslation into Japanese conflating his universal figure with the Satanael of Jewish apocrypha, hence the bizarre claims about Satanael in Pandemonium.

Anyway, some revealing Angels quotes from the above scans:

As son of God, brother to Christ:

Equated with other deities:

7 sins in one:

Satan-el as the demiurge (but not creator of “second heaven”; unsure where that comes from):

They totally cribbed from Angels for this profile! And on this last excerpt Godwin seems to casually assume that the all-encompassing baddie Satan-el is absolutely the same as the Gnostic demiurge. Also throughout the whole book, anything supernatural that isn’t a god he interprets as an angel, like Sophia here (but also valkyries; see the Lucifer page). Like I said in one of the other Angels posts, this book may have informed a lot of SMT’s preferential attitude towards wild comparative equivalences.

But most distressingly, Angels does NOT have a bibliography of any kind, just a few books mentioned in its acknowledgements (I investigated those but none mention Satanael in any great capacity). So, it’s impossible to verify where Godwin got his information, if he didn’t just make stuff up. I don’t make that accusation lightly, as the book contains many examples of far-out interpretations that have no basis in tradition.

For one, check out the final paragraph of the above two-page spread on Lucifer for some classic conflation of Hell with the Norse Hel(heim) and a seemingly earnest admission from the author that Helheim is a real place (at least a cave where Norse rituals took place--where is he getting this information???). So basically, this is not a book you want to read for facts, much less one you want to rely on for accurate portrayal of angels or demons.

But besides the profile this also explains other things like the Sinful Shell in P5 that is supposed to represent all 7 sins. But that move could have been called anything; most reading this probably know that P5′s Satanael was meant to be Lucifer and Arsene was originally Mephisto, along with Yaldabaoth being called Metatron in the game files. So that original progression was "minor devil figure --> major devil figure; rebels against the angel called ‘lesser YHWH.’“ It makes a lot of sense!

But considering how broadly Godwin attributes all manner of evil things to Satanael yet is still somehow the original Satan of Judaism/Christianity, switching Lucifer to Satanael was probably about as complex as this hypothetical exchange:

A: What’s another name for Lucifer?

B: Satanael?

A: Perfect!

By the information they had at hand, Satanael is essentially just another name for the general capital-D “Devil” they seemed to want for P5 all along but changed for whatever reason, probably a result of making the first tier personas thief-themed.

As for the Gnostic connections and this quote that is on the Megaten wiki and elsewhere:

In some Gnostic traditions, Satanael is said to be an angel that once served the Demiurge. He rebelled when he realized that the Demiurge was not the true God and granted humanity the knowledge to liberate themselves from the Demiurge.

I’ve never found any basis for this. It doesn’t seem like Atlus intended for this, either. And even in Angels, Satanael is the demiurge, not a rebel against it!

My guess it’s just fan speculation from misinterpreting sources and names; also fan expectations because the previous two Persona games had comprehensive mythological theming, so P5 must have it too, right? Atlus’ reply to that seems to be “not necessarily.” Even with Lucifer and Metatron removed, the point of P5′s persona arcs still seems to be angel rebelling against deity, even if the particulars of the conflict have no basis in an actual myth.

Finally, as for Soul Hackers’ Satanael, his role is so slight and appearance so brief he doesn’t seem like an aggrandized demiurgical being. A trio with Samyaza and Azazel, this appearance falls in line as a typical Watcher/fallen angel like from 2 Enoch rather than anything more.

What a confusing mess! This one is on Godwin, I have to say. At the time the research for Soul Hackers was happening, Angels would have still been a relatively new book. Atlus just doing their best with wild interpretations and misinformation.

[sleepywinchester]

Fool For You Pt. 5 ⏤ Oscar Díaz.

Summary:  You are back in your hometown Freeridge to take care of your sister Jasmine and your father after being away for six years. You left Freeridge looking for a better life but in that process you had to let go of someone you loved. But you’re back and things are not the same but they sure feel like it.

Words: 2K+

Warnings: N/A

A/N: Hola!!!! Hope everyone is safe at home! This continues the story as a some sort of a series re-write. It won’t be something of all the episodes but the main ones of where Spooky appears. Hope you guys like this and always feel free to leave some feedback is so appreciated it.  | MESSAGE BOX | HAPPY READING!!!

(english is not my first language, might be some typos around)

Title: Ain’t Nobody Business 

Chapters: Uno - Dos - Tres - Cuatro

“There is enough food in the fridge to last you at least two weeks,” you told Cesar as you left the bags of extra things for him on top of the counter. “Clean towels and bed sheets in the closet.” 

Cesar looked around your apartment in silence. His body language told you he was deeply unsure about him staying here. 

“It’s not much but… is quiet,” at that moment Lunch Money started to loudly sound in the background. You turned around to see Jasmine dancing to it in the backyard. Your eyes went back to Cesar, “Ish.” 

He gave you a flat smile, “Thank you.”

“It’s the last I can do…” you told him. 

He furrowed his eyebrows, “How can someone like you be with someone like my brother?” Cesar’s words were cold and filled with resentment towards his brother. You sighed softly holding both arms crossed onto your chest. 

“Oscar is going through a lot right now,” you told him, “he didn’t want this for you. It’s-,” you let out a sigh trying not to say too much, “it’s complicated, mijo.” 

“Everything is always so fucking complicated and I’m not your mijo.”

“Damn,” you scoffed, “for someone who hates his brother, you damn sure act like him.” Cesar rolled his eyes looking away. “That’s just life, Cesar,” you said. “For now, tienes un techo y comida and you don’t have to sleep inside a car by the street or random hostels. You’re safe here.” 

It was hard for Cesar to see the good in this fucked up situation, after all he was just a kid to have all these problems and to be out of a home. He looked at you with sad eyes before sitting on your bed. “I’m here because Monse is making me say yes to this but… thank you, you’re right I hate my brother but you’re good for him.”

“I’ll see you at school,” you said softly, “try to stay out of trouble. Por favor.” 

Cesar nodded and the corner of your lip curved. Grabbing your bag from the counter you walked out of your place with a duffle bag hanging from your shoulder and strolled to Oscar’s. There were a couple of Santos in his front yard as usual. All of them giving you respectful nods as you made your way into the house. 

Oscar got startled by the loud sound of your duffel bag when it hit the floor. He was cooking something in the kitchen. You chuckled at the way his entire body shook. 

“¿Todo bien?” 

Oscar shook his head, “You scared the shit out of me.”

“The big bad Spooky,” you mocked. 

He clicked his tongue, “Shut up.” Once finally in front of him, he held you by the waist and placed a kiss on your lips. “How'd it go?” He looked you in the eye, silently allowing himself to show the worry he felt through his eyes. 

You gave him a look that let him know he was being well taken care of. Since Oscar was a kid taking care of his little brother has been his only job. He might not have taken the best decisions while doing so but making sure he was okay was always his priority. 

“Cesar is at my place and for now he is safe but…” you sighed, “he is a kid, Oscar. He shouldn’t be in the streets. He needs his brother, he needs to be in his home.” 

Oscar clenched his jaw, having a seat in his small dining room. 

“¿Tu crees que yo quiero que el este en las calles?” he told you, his eyes still full of worry. “Es mi hermano y lo amo pero… esto es complicado.”

You sat across the table from him, “I get that is complicated but there has to be a way to make this right. How long until the prophets know he’s staying at my place? Or something worse happens…” 

“Don’t say that,” he cut you off.

“He is not part of The Santos anymore, you can’t protect him,” you told him. “I know his friends are scheming and trying to look for solutions.” Standing up you looked down at him, “You should do the same.”

Oscar arched an eyebrow, “Do you have any ideas?”

“Maybe start with your boss, Cuchillos?” 

His shoulders tensed at the sound of the name Cuchillos, standing up he stood tall in front of you. “Cuchillos was the one who told me to kick him out, unless I have a good plan that benefies her, I can’t speak about it.” 

You caressed his arm trying to soothe the stress away, “We will figure this out… I don’t know how but encontraremos la manera.” Oscar kissed your forehead, holding your face with his hand.

After the small intimate moment you went into his room and smiled at the smell of Fabuloso. “Did you clean?” You shouted from the room.

Oscar appeared behind you, “Si.” He leaned against the door frame watching you place your bag on top of his well made bed.  

“Where can I put my things?” You asked him. 

He smirked as he walked behind you and reached his dresser opening the first two drawers of it. “Here,” he said and then opened the closet, “and here.”

“You really made some space for me…” you were a bit shooked of how much space Oscar had created for you. He was looking at you with sparkles in his eyes. 

“Wanted you to feel at home so…,” he held your hand and walked you down the hall and into an empty room. In there there was a made up desk and chair, right in front of the window. You recognized the room from years ago, it was his mother’s room.

“You,” you turned to look him in the eye, “you did this for me?” 

He shrugged, the small smirk didn’t vanish, “I know you’re going to need a quiet space to work and there’s always people here… I can’t expect you grading papers by the kitchen when there’s a lot of guys just shouting by the window.” 

You tiptoed your way to his lips, giving him a soft long kiss.

“I guess you liked your small office,” he whispered. 

“I love it,” you said, looking over your shoulder at the space, “but I know it was your mother’s room… It looks like it’s never been used.”

“Is because I haven’t,” he said. “When she died I got rid of all her stuff except this,” he reached the desk and grabbed an old notebook from it. “It was her… kind of a diary. It was the only thing that wasn’t toxic..” 

He held onto that notebook like it was the only good memory he had of his mom and maybe it was. You kissed his cheek, “Thank you.”

“Is nothing,” he whispered back. 

“It is,” you said softly, caressing the side of his face. “You are making sure I am comfortable here and that I feel like home. I love that and… I love you.” 

Oscar’s eyes sparkled when he heard the words I love you. He instantly began to kiss your lips. The soft kiss turned into a more passionate one in a matter of seconds. Your body began to get heated. Leaving the notebook back on top of the desk, he then proceeds to lift your body and carry you into the bedroom. 

/ / / 

You were woken up by a chicano rap sounding loudly from the backyard. Letting out a harsh groan you stood up from Oscar’s bed and walked out of the room. The house was empty but it smelled like someone just lit a cigarette, the smoke was still floating around. Following the music you walked to the backyard to find Oscar and Sad Eyes working on the red chevy impala. 

A smirk formed on your face, watching how sexy Oscar looked working on his beloved car. Sad Eyes cleared his throat when he noticed your presence. Your boyfriend's eyes met yours in a matter of seconds, then his sight went down to your body, chucking to himself. 

You looked down and remembered you were only wearing your Selena shirt. 

Oscar got off his car hood and walked towards you, “Buenos dias.” 

The smile on your face was kissed by his lips, “Buenos dias.” 

He pulled back, looking down. “Nice shirt.” 

“I know, right?” You winked turning around and walking back inside to get ready for the day. 

You weren’t surprised to see Oscar’s fridge to be fully stocked and the coffee freshly made in the coffee pot. He was the leader of a dangerous Mexican gang but damn was he domestic as fuck. You began to make breakfast for you and the two cholos working hard outside. 

“¿Que haces ma’? Oscar entered the kitchen sweat spots showing on his grey tank. 

“Making breakfast for us and Sad Eyes,” you said going back to chopping chilli peppers. 

He slipped the tank off his muscular body as he walked towards the bathroom. “Sad Eyes went home to his ruca. I’m taking a shower.” 

“More for me,” you muttered as you shrugged. 

“Heard that!” He shouted from the hallway, making you laugh.

While Oscar took a shower you continued to cook the rest of the breakfast. You made scrambled eggs with tomatoes and chilli peppers, toast and bacon. Once those were done you served it nicely on a plate and poured coffee for the two. 

“Yo, that smells amazing,” he walked into the kitchen.

Sitting down you shrugged smugly, “¿Que? You think you’re the only one who knows to cook?”

Oscar sat down smirking, “No, reina. You do your thing too.” 

“You better say that,” you said as you began to eat.

“Damn,” he said as soon as he took the first bite and continued to eat.

It was nice to see him eat and enjoy your food. When you two were teenagers you didn’t have this domestic feel, not even weeks ago when you were sleeping with each other. He would always cook or you would always have to run out the door. Staying with him was giving your relationship a whole new aspect and to be honest, you liked it. 

“Good?” You had a sip of your coffee. 

“So fucking good,” he said between bites.

You smiled, “It was made with love.” Oscar’s eyes looked up and shot a wink as he continued eating. “Are you driving me to work?”

“Do you want me to drive you to work?”

“Si.” You said without hesitating. 

Oscar licked his thumb, “What about your co-workers and shit?”

You shrugged, “I told you I don’t care what people say. I’m with you and if they have something to say, they better not say it to my face because I’ll react.”

He was so proud and turned on by your sassiness and by how sure of what you wanted you were. “I’ll drive you, chula.”

You were biting on your bacon when he said that, smiling you winked at him and continued to have the rest of your food. 

He drove you to the school, his hand rested on top of your thigh through the short trip. This type of normal was new for you two but it felt good for both. 

“Look at us being official and shit,” Oscar said, “you made me breakfast, me driving you to work. You are staying with me.” He held your hand and kissed the back of it. 

You leaned towards him and kissed his cheek, “I love it.”

“Yo mas,” he said back. 

He pulled over by the school just in the same moment Cesar and his friends were strolling in. All of them instantly spotted the bright red Chevy and began to whisper between them. You also spotted the principal waiting outside the school. 

“Ma’,” Oscar held your hand before you could step out of the car.

You looked into his eyes, “Mhm?” 

“Careful,” he almost whispered. 

You nodded as you gave him a soft smile and stood out of his car. You ignored the stares some of the students were giving you and strolled into the school. As you continued to walk towards your classroom the principal Ms. Gonzales joined. 

“Good morning,” she spoke after clearing her throat.

Taking a deep breath in, you looked at her and smiled. “Buenos dias.” 

“I noticed that Spooky dropped you off at school today?”

“I’m sorry,” you stopped walking and stood in the middle of the hallway.

“I don’t want to seem like I am in everyone’s business-,”

“That’s something everyone says when they are about to get in someone’s business.” 

She fixed her glasses, arching her eyebrow, “Spooky is the leader of the Santos and I don’t like to explain to the parents of the students that one of my teachers is dating the leader of a gang and also teaching history.”

“My personal life doesn’t take any of my capabilities of teaching these kids.”

“Well, it does get in the way of the image of this school.”

You rolled your eyes not believing what she was saying, “Image? Are we in fucking Brentwood? We have gang members as students, there’s no image to keep up. This is Freeridge.”

Gonzales' eyes went wide open after you cursed in front of her face. “Y/N that is not the proper language to use with your boss.”

“¿Y estar de metiche en mi vida personal lo es? I’m sorry Mrs. Gonzales but what I do outside or work or who I date is none of this school or your business.”

Part Seis

tags are open

@flamingweasley​​ @dolanackles​​ @lcandothisallday​​​ @mmelissarenee​​ @donnaintx​​ @blckgrl-sunflower​

[noladyme]

La Cuervo - Chapter 5

She is used to the biker-life, having grown into a woman in the familiar embrace of SAMCRO. A bad decision and a gun-shot later, she gets whisked off to Santo Padre, and put under the protection of another club. What is supposed to be a short stint in the Mayan headquarters just north of the border to Mexico, turns into something more; when la quervo begins to develop feelings for el angel - and he seems to return them in kind...

TW: violence, blood, drug use, alcohol, smut, fluff, angst

In the spirit of "The Crown Princess of Charming", this is a story about O.C. Nina and Angel Reyes. It is obviously non-canon, as characters who have passed on on Mayans M.C. are present in it, and others have been excluded completely. Nina is written as a cis-female, but I have tried to keep her race and looks as ambigous as possible. Should you find any of this story offensive, please let me know.

5.

Nina looked down at the man on the ground. He had a broken nose, and blood was coming from his mouth. An angry gash on his forehead made Nina gasp, as she saw it bleeding down into his eyes.

Suddenly, the dam broke, and tears came streaming down her cheeks. Nina covered her face, and felt angry sobs go through her body. Everything came back to her. His grin as she’d told him to back off. How he’d laughed when she pulled out the gun. The sound of the gun going off, and the crack as the bullet penetrated his skull. And the blood… So much blood.

She felt Angel’s arms embracing her, and she almost collapsed against his body, as he held her tight; stroking her hair. “I got you. It’s over", he breathed into her hair. She was shaking, barely able to stand. “No… I can’t…”. Nina grabbed on to Angel’s cut, and began heaving for breath. Her lungs felt like they were collapsing. “What can I do?”, Angel said. “Bag… Inhaler”. EZ came running with the bag of clothes, and Angel dug out her inhaler. Nina took a hit, and felt air return to her lungs, before letting Angel take it from her to keep safe. Angel supported her weight over to the car. “Take her back to the yard. I’ll tail you”, Angel said to Letty. He turned to EZ. “You stay here with this shithead. Wait for Coco to decide what to do with him”. EZ nodded. Once deposited in the passenger-seat of the car, they began driving back to the clubhouse. Nina didn’t speak the whole way there.

---

She didn’t know how she’d ended up seated at a table in the clubhouse. She was pretty sure she’d walked from the car, but Angel might have half carried her. She felt like she’d left her own body completely. It wasn’t even until he put an ice-pack on her hand, that Nina realized it hurt. She hissed when the cool pack came in contact with her skin. “You really punched the shit out of that guy”, Letty said, from her seat at the other side of the table. Nina didn’t reply. “I’m sorry… I didn’t think he’d do something like that. I didn’t mean to put you in that…”. “It’s not your fault”, Nina said quietly. She raised her eyes to meet Letty’s. “Really”. Angel moved his chair closer to hers, and examined her other hand; concluding that it wouldn’t need ice as well. “You’ll be fine”, he said. His voice sounded unsure, though; but Nina knew his uncertainty in his own words, weren’t about her physical health.

The door to the clubhouse slammed open, and Coco stormed in with EZ and Gilly at his heels. “Estas bien?”, he asked Letty, who nodded. Coco lifted her chin, and looked at the darkening bruise on her jaw; his eyes on fire. “Should have fucking killed that guy”. “What did you do?”, Letty asked. EZ shook his head at her. “You don’t want to know”, Gilly said.

Nina was finally regaining a bit of control over her body, and got on her feet. Angel followed her, a hand ghosting her lower back, letting her know that he was ready to catch her if she fell. Coco took a few hesitant steps towards her, and met her eyes. There was a ferocious intensity in his gaze, and deep respect in his voice. “What you did for Leticia… That’s family-shit, ma’”, he said. “Thank you”. Nina nodded, and continued towards the door, Angel at her back. “I can walk myself”, she muttered. “Just let me take care of you”, he grunted, and opened the door for her.

As they moved towards the trailer, Bishop and Taza came riding on to the lot. Bishop’s face was locked in rage as he got off his bike, and stomped towards Nina and Angel. “I told you to…”, he began. “Not now, Bish”, Angel said. “Stay out of this, Reyes”, Bishop growled, and went to stand in front of her. “You really stirred the shit-pot, kid. Do you know…”. Angel got between them, and looked down at Bishop with hard eyes. “I’m not talking to you as my prez right now, man. I’m talking to you brother to brother. Back the fuck off”, he growled. Bishop looked like he’d been punched in the face, before regaining his composure. “Then, as your brother; go take care of your girl. Then, as your president; get your ass in templo. We need to talk”. He turned around, and moved towards the porch. “What’s going on?”, Angel called after him. “We got company coming”, Bishop replied, and went into the clubhouse with Taza.

Angel opened the trailer door for her, and Nina went to sit on the cot. “You weren’t kidding about your inhaler and your gun”, he said, trying to lighten the mood. Nina attempted a smile, but failed. Angel put the two items on the table, and sat down on the cot with her. His closeness was like being covered in a thick blanket of comfort; and when he put his arm around her shoulder, she let herself be enveloped in his warmth, in spite of the heat. She let out a stuttering sigh, and closed her eyes, before resting her head against his shoulder.

“What happened back there?”, Angel asked. Nina opened her eyes again, and pulled back a bit. “He attacked Letty. I wanted to help her”, she replied. “Yeah, but after… You had murder written all over your face”. He put a finger under her chin, to get her to look at him. “I can’t…”, she croaked. “What happened to you?”, Angel demanded; clearly trying to keep his voice calm. “Did someone…”. He halted, clenching his fist. “Who hurt you, Nina?”. The scene from a month before played out in her mind, and she shuddered. “No… no one. I can’t talk about it, Angel. I promised”. “I wanna help, but if you can’t trust me…”. His voice was full of hurt. Nina chewed her lips. “It’s really complicated. I can’t tell you everything”, she said. “Then tell me something”, Angel pleaded. She opened her mouth to speak, not even knowing what she was going to say. “I…”.

There was a hard knock on the door. “Pull out, Angel. Templo”, Taza called out. Angel groaned in frustration. “Fuck… yeah, I’m coming”, he said brusquely. He got up, and went over to open the door. Standing just outside, Taza looked at Nina. “You too, sweetheart”, he said, his face hard. Angel frowned in confusion, and Nina felt like a gallon of ice-water streamed through her veins. “What? Why?”, Angel said. “Like Bish said. Company coming in”, Taza said. “SAMCRO's coming?”, Nina said, unable to hide the relief in her voice. “No. Not them”. He might as well have punched her in the chest for all the air that went out of her. “Taz’, what’s…”, Angel began. “Table. Now”.

---

Nina was surprised her legs could even carry her back to the clubhouse. Once inside, Taza nodded for EZ to follow them to templo as well; the prospect looking as confused about the situation as his brother. Angel flanked Nina into the dimly lit room, where the rest of the club was gathered around a long, ornate table. Bishop was seated at the end of it, and Taza took his place next to his president. “Take a seat”, Bishop said, and gestured for a chair by the door; away from the table. She might have been let in the room, but the table was for patches; and not even EZ had a seat at it. He went to stand next to her, his arms crossed; while Angel took his designated seat with his brothers. He met Nina’s eyes for a second, before turning his attention to Bishop.

“What’s going on, jefe?”, Creeper asked. “Is this a party?”. He smirked, and glanced towards Nina. “Man, if you make another tequila-joke, you won’t make it to the cage, before I break your nose!”, Angel growled. Creep held up his hands in defense. “Just riling her up, brother. Is it true she’s got mace spraying from her nipples?”. Angel was about to throw himself across the table at Creeper – Coco and Gilly struggling to hold him back – when Bishop slammed his fist into the table. “Enough! Angel, sit down!”, he roared. “Creeper, this woman just beat the shit out of a body-builder today, and held him at gunpoint. Are you sure you want to keep talking?”. Creeper looked at Nina apologetically. “Sorry, Nina. I don’t always know what comes out of my mouth”, he said. Bishop nodded. “Good. Now, can we get this started?”. All the men at the table settled in, but it was clear Angel and Creep had a date in the cage at some point; and Nina couldn’t help but feel just a littleflattered.

Bishop took a deep breath, and nodded to himself for a moment, before looking over the faces in the room. “We have a predicament on our hands”, he said. “What’s a predick-ument?”, Gilly asked. “A problem, dumbass”, Riz said. “Creeper’s got a point, prez. What’s she doing in here?”. He nodded towards Nina. Turning the metal gavel around in his hands, Bishop began speaking again. “You all heard about the situation with Palo’s cousin”, he said. “Yeah. He got rolled by some puta, and ended up dead”, Gilly said. “Palo’s offered good money for info, is what I heard”, Creeper said. “Got El Padrino and all of Oakland searching high and low”. Bishop looked at Taza for a second; the VP giving him a meaningful look in return. It was time for the truth. “It wasn’t a hooker who killed Gael. Apparently, Palo’s cousin put his nasty hands on a woman he should never have touched. Not only was she not interested, she also happened to be SOA-family; and knew her way around a .38”, Bishop said. “When he wouldn’t take no for an answer, she shot him in the head.”

It took a moment for all the men at the table to realize what Bishop was in fact saying. Angel turned his head to look at Nina; his eyes wide, and the furrow between his brows deeper than ever. Nina swallowed hard, her throat feeling dryer than the desert she was sitting in the middle of. “Her?”, Riz said, and looked at Nina. “Yeah”, Bishop said. “We’re sitting on the number one name on Palo’s hitlist”. A murmur of curses went through the room. Angel’s eyes stayed on Nina, and he sat frozen in place. “Why are we just hearing this now?”, Hank asked. “Because we didn’t think it would be a problem, as long as Nina kept her head down, down here with us”, Bishop said. “They wouldn’t think to look so close to their own turf”, Angel said, his voice even, but strained, finally looking away from Nina, and at his president. “You should have still brought this to the table, not give us some bullshit story…”, Creeper said. “We didn’t want you struggling with your loyalties”, Taza said, trying to calm down the rising antagonism in the room. “We don’t owe the Vatos any loyalty”, Coco said. “They’re our neighbors”, Riz muttered. “The shit this could bring on our table…”. There was a moment of silence, and Nina shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “SAMCRO contacted Alvarez for help, and he turned to Bishop and me. At the same time, VM thinks Mayans are working with them on this”, Bishop said. “And we’re… not”, Creeper said. Nina was unsure whether he was asking, or stating a fact. “Well, that’s where our problem arises”, Bishop said. Nina tensed up, and noticed Angel doing the same. “What are you saying?”, he asked. “Up until now, Padrino has been feeding Palo with empty leads on possible suspects”, Bishop said. Nina felt her heart sink. “Has he been killing women he thought was me?”, she croaked; suddenly realizing she’d spoken out of turn, and bit her tongue. Bishop shook his head. “No. As far as I know, no leads has had any consequences yet…”, he said. “Reaper has been doing their part to throw VM of the track as well”. Bishop frowned deeply. “He’s been moving his search southwards, after all his leads have come up blank”, he said. “He suspects Alvarez is just milking him for money at this point”. “Palo trusts Mayans about as far as he can throw us”, Taza said.

“But Palo doesn’t know it was Nina. He thinks it was some hooker”, Angel said. “He knows that whoever it was uses an asthma inhaler. One was found near Gael’s body”, Bishop said. “Plenty of people use an inhaler”, EZ said; then realizing that he was speaking out of turn, he shut up immediately. “Yeah, but not all of them pulls guns on strangers in front of witnesses”, Bishop growled. “Someone reached out to Palo about what happened in that alley today. Which is another thing. I wanna know who the fuck in Santo Padre is feeding info on what’s going on in our territory, to Vatos Malditos!”. “I’ll ask around”, Riz said. Hank raised his hand in concurrence. “It’s just one witness though, with some half-ass story”, Gilly muttered. “At this point, it’s enough for Palo. Someone saw Nina pull that gun, and then use her inhaler. He’s gonna hunt that shit down”, Taza said.

Another murmur arose, and Bishop held up his hands to quit the room. “He’s on his way to Santo Padre, VM at his back”. Nina felt her ears pop, and went cold all over. Only EZ’s hand grabbing her shoulder kept her seated in her chair. “He’s going to ask us for help; and he’s going to offer money if we do, and potentially blood if we don’t”, Taza said. “You all know what will happen if he finds out we’ve been keeping Nina here with us”, Bishop added. “War”, Angel said. “Fuck”, Creeper said, drawing out the word. The rest of the Mayan’s seemed to agree on his proclamation.

There was a pregnant silence in the room. Nina’s eyes were stinging with unshed tears, and every instinct in her body told her to run as far away as she could, as fast as she could. She drew in a short breath, making Angel’s eyes return to her for a second. “So, this is where we need to make a decision”, Bishop said. “VM is right across the border from us. They’re offering money and possible good business; which comes hand in hand with permanent truce. On the other hand, we have history with SAMCRO, and Padrino is pushing for a continuation of that”. “He doesn’t call the shots here”, Creeper said. “No, and he’s leaving it up to us”, Taza said. “But his point still stands; he doesn’t like us burning bridges with a long-standing partner”. “We need to decide which side of the field we’re on”, Bishop said. “Easy”, Coco exclaimed. “Family”. He shot a look at Nina, and a smile ghosted his face. “You all know my opinion on VM and El Palo”, Taza said, his voice cold. “And we owe SOA”. “Yeah, fuck the Vatos”, Gilly said. “War, though… And money", Creeper said, before shooting Nina an apologetic look. “This is something we need to vote on”, Bishop proclaimed. “Prospect…”.

With a firm hand on her arm, EZ helped Nina up to stand, and led her out of the door. Nina shared a final look with Angel – whose face was unreadable – before the door closed.

---

Nina was seated by a table; flanked by Chucky, who didn’t know exactly what the commotion was about, but could tell from her expression that she wasn’t ok. He’d been trying to feed her peanuts and coke, thinking her blood sugar might be down because of the heat. EZ was busying himself by pacing the floor. “Sometimes I think about Charming, and the bad things that happened there”, Chucky said, when once again she declined his offer for nourishment. “But I always felt at home there, with the club. Places like this – surrounded by scary men in leather – it can be terrifying. But then I remember… These clubs are like families, and with family, comes loyalty. Once you’re a part of a family like that, you’re going to have people stand up for you; and take care of you“. “Chibs lost you in a game of poker, and made you move to the desert… Where’s the loyalty in that?”, Nina muttered. She’d always been miffed at the fact. “I was loyal enough to do as I was told”, Chucky said. “And I knew I would be ok here”. “How so?”. “Bishop… Taza… Loco Coco and Angel, and all the rest of them…”, he said. “They’re like Happy, and Chibs and Tig… And Jax. They take care of their own”. “I know that, Chucky; you know I do. SAMCRO is family to me. But the Mayans? What if I’m not…?”, Nina whispered. Chucky frowned. “You are… I can tell”, he said. She gave him a slight smile, and looked up at EZ, who’d halted in his tracks. He nodded shortly at her.

It felt like hours before the door to templo opened again. It wasn’t until dusk that all the charter members came out of the room, and Bishop walked straight over to her table; looking down at her where she was seated. “It was unanimous. We won’t hand you over to Palo. But you owe us”, he said. Nina swallowed to wet her throat. “What? I don’t have any money”. Angel sat down across the table from her, meeting her gaze for a moment. Something ghosted his face, possibly a smile; but Nina couldn’t define it. “We can’t burn Mayan business over someone who belongs to a different club. If you were an SOA member, we’d ask for a patch over. As it is, we’re going to do something different”. Bishop sat down on a chair next to Angel. Taza went to stand next to him. “Whatever you’ve been to SAMCRO up until now, you are to usfrom now on; for a year. Think of it as prospecting as a member of the Mayan family”. Chucky grinned and tapped the table; making strange sounds with his wooden fingers. “But… I’m not really anything to them. I just…”, Nina began. “Owe them loyalty and respect. That’s what we’re asking”, Taza said. Nina shook her head in confusion. “What’s in it for you? I don’t get it. You can’t weigh and measure loyalty and respect”. “You continue what you’ve been doing around the yard. Keep the clubhouse in shape”, Bishop said. “We use to have this nasty skank take care of that, but she quit coming around”, Taza said. Angel stifled a smile. Bishop folded his hands in front of him, and leaned forwards. “Look, bottom line is, we want to keep our promise to SAMCRO; but doing so, could burn us with Vatos Malditos. We need more than want to justify doing that”. “As Mayan family, you’re under our protection; officially. Giving you up would be a breach of our rules”, Angel said. The way he’d said family was almost lovingly.

“So, do we have a deal?”, Bishop asked. Nina let out a deep breath she hadn’t even known she’d been holding. “Yes… We have a deal”, she said. “But what happens now? Palo…”. “VM is riding in, in two days. We welcome them as we would any other club, we don’t have beef with”, Bishop said. “A big goddamn party”, Creeper grinned from his seat at the bar. “What do you want me to do?”, Nina said. “Where do I go, while they’re here?”. “You don’t go anywhere. Just blend into the crowd; be part of the family”, Bishop said. “You’re just a hangaround”.

The president got up to stand, and was about to walk away; when Nina got on her feet as well. “Bishop…?”, Nina said. He halted, and turned to face her. “I can’t turn my back on SAMCRO. They’re still my… They’re family”. Bishop nodded. “Yeah… I get that. And we’re not asking you to turn your back on them. It’s just that now, your ours as much as you are theirs, and as long as our relationship stays in good standing, you won’t have to struggle with your loyalties”. “Ok”, Nina croaked. “And you owe us a year behind that bar”, he added, and pointed at the counter behind her. “Yes, sir”, she said, a smile tugging at her lips. The Mayans all went about their business, and Chucky joyfully skipped away; leaving Nina behind with Angel. He got up to stand, and walked over to her; cupping her face with his hands. “You’re going to be ok, querida”, he said. “We got you”. There was such earnestness in his eyes, it was almost impossible to argue. “Ok… yeah”, she said.

With the adrenaline leaving her body, Nina was beginning to feel exhaustion take her over. “I am… so fucking tired”, she said. Angel put his arm around her shoulders. “Come on”, he said. “Where are we going?”, she asked. “My place”, Angel said. The prospect of what that statement meant was intriguing, but Nina didn’t exactly feel up for playing the sex-kitten at the moment. “Angel, I can’t… I’m practically sleeping standing up”, she said. “Yeah, I know”, he replied, and continued leading her towards the door. “Just think you’d be more comfortable in a real bed, instead of that fucking trailer”. He looked down at her, and gave her a wry smile. “Look, if it makes you more comfortable, I’ll sleep on the couch”. “You’re such a gentleman”, Nina chuckled. Angel shrugged. “You got me all wrong. I’m very respectful to women”, he said. “Besides, you can give me head in the morning”.

Nina was still laughing when they made it out to Angel’s bike, after grabbing her helmet. Coco was leaning against his own ride, parked just next to it. “We’re heading out”, Angel said, and pulled his friend in for a half hug. Coco looked at Nina apologetically. “Niña, thanks again for what you did for Letty… And I’m sorry about that thing last night… I’m just used to EZ being in there, I didn’t think to knock…”. Nina sighed, and shook her head. “Coco, you saw my naked ass. Get over it”, she said, and got on behind Angel. “Just remember it’s my naked ass now, so don’t do it again, carnal”, Angel declared. Coco grinned at them, and they drove off into the night.

---

Nina woke to birds singing. Something – someone – warm was pressed against her back; one arm around her, and holding her close, the other hand gently stroking her arm. She turned around, and looked in to Angel’s eyes. “Hey”, he said. “Good morning”, Nina smiled. Angel’s grasp around her tightened, and he pulled her close for a gentle kiss. She smiled against his lips, and settled against his chest; letting her fingers dance over the lines of his tattoos there. “How are you feeling?”, he asked. “Very respected”, she said, looking down at herself. She was still wearing EZ’s t-shirt and her panties. Angel hadn’t once tried to get her naked the night before; simply let her curl up in his arms and fall asleep – which she’d done the moment she closed her eyes. “We can change that, if you want to”, he said, raised a brow suggestively; and moved a hand to stroke the bare skin of her thigh. She giggled when he moved his hand upwards, and tickled the side of her waist.

“Thanks for letting me sleep in the bed”, he said. His hand settled on her arm again. “Shipping you off to the couch didn’t seem like the best way to start… whatever it is we’ve started”, she replied. “You got a point…”. His expression darkened. “Neither is lying about shit like you have”. Nina swallowed thicky, and nodded. “I know. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you… I just promised Chibs and Bishop…”, she said. “I get it”, Angel said. “But I wasn’t bullshitting you when I said I want you to trust me. I know we don’t have history that long, but I care about you, querida. I wanna see if we can make this work”. Nina felt her cheeks burning suddenly, and hid her face against his chest. “Me too… I do”, she said. Angel put his index finger under her chin, and lifted her face for him to look at her. “Yeah?”, he said. “Then talk to me. Sometimes, it’s like your head goes somewhere real dark, and I can’t pull you out of it if I don’t know what’s going on with you”. “You know what happened”, Nina muttered. She pulled out of his grasp, and sat up; leaning against the headboard. “Yeah, the outlines. But something messed you up that day…”. He sat up next to her.

Nina sighed deeply. “This shit in my head… It’s too much for me to let someone else have to deal with as well”, she said. Angel scoffed, and chuckled a little. “You’re trying to protect me? Ma’, the things that live up here…”. He pointed at his head. “Not exactly Disneyland. The shit I’ve seen… What I’ve done…”. He let out a gasping sigh, and shook his head. “How do you deal with it?”, Nina asked. Angel shrugged. “I drink… A lot”, he said. They both laughed for a moment, before he continued. “I talk. To my brother; the club”. Nina looked at him in disbelief. “It’s true. Sometimes you got to let that shit out”. “I don’t know where to start”, she replied. “How about with your brother?”, Angel said.

---

[justagirlwithimagination]

Chilhood sweethearts Part 6

A few months have passed since El's birthday : Ada has had her baby, Karl, who is in very good health. Grace's baby is growing little by little in her belly and Thomas, it took him a few weeks to digest that Grace was a spy for Campbell but he forgave her because she was expecting his child and couldn't abandon him.

Eleanor opens her blue eyes very slowly, she sees the daylight coming through the window. Arthur, asleep in an armchair. She turns her head to the other side, an infusion in her arm. She looks at the room around her. Little by little, the memories of her birthday come back. She understands that she's in the hospital because she fainted.

"El? "says Arthur as he approaches her. "You're awake! I'm calling the doctor!" He runs to the door and looks for the doctor. A few moments later, he comes back.

"Miss Brown, I am glad to know you are awake, how are you? " The doctor waiting for an answer, examines her.

" Uh... I guess I feel fine"

"I don't see anything to worry about, you look fine to me"

Arthur takes her hand " El, I'm going to phone everyone to say you're awake, they're going to be happy! I'm coming, don't move ! »

She laughs, "I'm not going anywhere, Arthur." Once he's gone, Eleanor looks at the doctor.

"Doctor? Tell me what happened? Please?" He pulls up a chair and sits down next to her.

"You fainted..."

"Yes, I remember, but..."

"but you remained in a coma after you passed out."

"what?" she looks away with such incomprehension "how long, doctor? "she asks as she looks at him again.

"5 months..." 5 months, she thinks to herself, in 5 months a lot has happened, how was she going to recover 5 months.

"I have something else to tell you..." Eleanor did not react and the doctor decided to continue. What else is he going to announce, as if losing 5 months wasn't enough.

"Miss Brown, what I'm about to tell you is going to come as a shock, but know that we'll be by your side...You're sick...you have a brain tumour...that's what caused you to faint and put you into a coma as well..."

Eleanor looks out the window at singing birds. She is devastated by what the doctor just told her. She'd been in a coma for five months, only to come out of it and then die. She wishes she could have stayed there and made it all a nightmare. How will the Shelby’s react, her departure more than a year ago had upset them but this, was going to destroy them.

"How long do I have to live, Doctor? " always looking out the window.

" It's hard to say, miss, it could be a few years, it could be a few months, it could be a few weeks. "

"Of course I understand, doctor, please don't say anything to anyone! »

"But your family, your friends must know, you'll be accompanied..."

"No doctor, that's not what I want, I want them to live their lives, respect my decision doctor please »

"All right...if that's your choice, I'll respect it! »

Arthur's coming back to the room.

"There! Everybody's on their way. They can't wait to see you again. »

"Oh great ! I have so much to catch up on, Arthur..."

"I'll leave you now, try to rest when you can, I'll come back and see you later," said the doctor as he left the room.

"Thank you doctor! »

"You're finally gonna see Karl Ada's baby, you're gonna see he's really a Shelby."

"Karl? Like Karl Marx?” They're both starting to laugh.

They talk and laugh, Arthur tells her roughly what's happened in the last 5 months. Eleanor looks at him but without listening to him too much, she knows that he is the most fragile even if he doesn't show it, she is afraid to tell him, she is afraid that he will do something he will regret or worse, that he will put his life in danger. She tells herself at that moment that she will do everything she can to prevent that from happening, she will do everything she can so that no one knows that she will soon die.