#but i think i'll post it before tonight i just feel NAUSEOUS

[johnslittlespoon]

it's almost time. when? idk, when i stop being a coward LOL

[rynwritesstuff]

i have a request, based on an hc from your last post! could you write something about getting depressed!eddie to eat more again post-vecna? thank you! <3

Anon, your request came in at the best time. I was literally sitting at my computer trying to brainstorm and I was coming up with nothing lol, so THANK YOU FOR SENDING THIS IN, MWAH XOXO.

Eddie Munson x Reader

Warnings: Refusal to eat due to depression, pep talks

Helping depressed!Eddie eat post-Vecna - Headcanons

(A/N: This, once again, got pretty long, but I hope you still like it, my loves! I'm off to bed, but if anyone has more requests, I'll gladly write them tomorrow!! <3)

At first you think he's just refusing to eat because he's in the hospital, and all their food tastes undercooked and bland.

You persuade him to eat a bit of fruit and drink a few sips of water the first day. The second day, he eats a fourth of the portion of mashed potatoes, then immediately says that he feels nauseous and ill.

You don't want him to vomit, and you also don't want to stress him out, so you give up on the mashed potatoes and meatloaf.

On the third day, he tells you that he's feeling sick before he even puts anything in his mouth. This worries you deeply, because oh god, what if those monsters from the Upside Down fucked up his insides? What if there's something wrong that you don't really understand? Something that the doctors can't find?

He doesn't eat on the third day.

On the fourth day, they tell Eddie that he's well enough to head home. You've gotta keep a very, very close eye on him and bring him back if there are any issues at all, but you're so fucking excited to have him back in an environment that isn't' scary or foreign to him.

"Do you want me to order you a celebratory pizza?" you ask once the two of you walk into his trailer. "Maybe some Chinese?"

Eddie shakes his head, an almost bored expression on his face.

"I'm fine, sweetheart," he says softly. "Just wanna hold you."

You push away the concern and smile before cuddling up to him in his bed.

You're careful of his wounds, not wanting to hurt him.

The two of you doze off, and when you wake up, you're startled to find that it's around midnight.

Eddie hasn't eaten in two days, now, and you're beating yourself up as you hastily prepare him some instant ramen noodles for when he wakes up.

How could you let him do this? How could you let him go this long without eating? Some partner you are.

You wake him gently, holding the bowl of ramen, and Eddie looks up at you. His face scrunches up.

"No, thanks," he says when you tell him what you've brought.

"Sorry, baby," you say, sitting down on the edge of the mattress. "It isn't an offer. You haven't eaten in days, you're scaring me."

Eddie doesn't want to scare you. He doesn't want to trigger any type of negative emotions at all, and the mere thought of causing you distress has his delicate mind spiraling.

"I'm sorry," Eddie says quietly, taking the warm bowl of noodles from your hands. He takes a small bite, then another, then another.

You smile at him, rubbing his shoulder as he eats.

"You're doing really well, Eds. I'm proud of you."

"Can I be done?" he asks once he's finished half the bowl. You sigh.

"I'd really like for you to finish them," you say. Eddie chews at his lip.

"I feel gross," he says softly.

"I'm sure you do, baby. You haven't had anything in your stomach in two days."

"I just . . . I'm not hungry. I don't wanna throw up."

You nod after a few beats of silence.

"I know you don't," you say, taking the bowl. "You can be done for tonight, baby, but I need you to eat more tomorrow, okay?"

You know this is likely due to the depression that his incident caused, and it pains you to see him like this.

Eddie nods.

"Sure, sweetheart. Whatever you want."

You kiss his temple and squeeze his hand.

"Can you drink some water?"

Eddie nods, and you bring him a glass. You're pleased with how much he drinks, and although he can't even bring himself to get up and brush his teeth for the night, you're glad he at least has some food in his system.

"We'll work on this," you tell him once you've changed into PJ's and have re-cuddled up next to him. "It'll get easier with time. I promise."

[philosophicalparadox]

love to know more about "Lightning in the Dark" from your wips :3

I just answered an ask about this one, which you can find here:

But, i didnt want to make that post too long, so I didn't add a snippet. Thus I will put one here!

Know that this one isn't NEARLY as far along as Passions, and it's really...pretty dark overall. Soooo I went ahead and found the least grim of the scenes I have jotted down right now - it's a long scene and it's still kinda angsty-bittersweet, but it ends on a happy note:

...Griffith heard familiar footsteps approach, breaking him from his thoughts. He knew they were Guts', but the cadence was wrong somehow.

The distant sound of rain pelting against the tents outside grew more intense as the storm settled in over their heads, and settled a profound ache pounding into Griffith's knees with each fat drop. He wanted to groan in frustration and protest.

When Guts pushed open the tent with his foot, flicking heavy droplets inside, it took every fibre of his being not to - for Guts was, to Griffith's surprise, holding a very wet looking Casca in his arms.

"Sorry buddy, but Casca's gotta stay in here tonight." Guts voice didn't give him room to argue as he set her down on the edge of the table his sword was resting beside. "She's sick."

"I am not sick," Casca argued weakly. "If I was, you really think Dieter would let me in here?"

"Fine, you're woman sick. Better?" Her glare, softened by dark circles under her eyes, did the answering for her. "It's not like I can help it. It's not always this bad, but some times are worse than others." She swayed a bit on the edge, gripping the table with near-white knuckles to stabilise herself. "And I told you, I'll be fine on my own."

"Yeah right, last time this crap gave you a fever like that you hurled us both off a cliff, remember?" Guts jabbed. But there was no teeth in it. "Now take this. It's the same fever medicine Dieter gave me for Griff - potent stuff, that." Guts extended his hand, a brown, leaf-wrapped pill held delicately between his fingers. "Supposed to not upset the stomach as bad as willow."

"Good," Casca replied. "Cause I hate taking willow when I feel like this. It helps in the end, but," she shuddered in mock disgust. "It's hard stuff to keep down when you're already nauseous." She took the pill and a water flask from Guts, who turned then to Griffith.

"I know this isn't ideal," he said gently. "But this girl has a bad habit of knocking herself out, and I wanna keep an eye on her, 'kay?" Griffith replied with a suspicious, cautious side-eye. Guts heaved a sigh. This was gonna be a fun night.

_page break _

Casca began changing her clothes, faced away from the boys. Movement caught her eye and she turned slightly to find Guts had made up the backup mattress, sized for one person, beside Griffith's own, which was big enough for two. "Hope you don't mind sleeping on the outside wall," Guts said. "Griffith can't climb over both of us in case he needs to piss in the middle of the night. I've left a bit of space so you can navigate around us if you need to, and so you don't get wet if the wind soaks the wall." He stood up and approached her where she held her still wet shirt, the back of his hand finding the side of her neck. "Fever is still kinda hot. That medicine should kick in soon though." He stepped away for a moment, grabbing a linen cloth from the table. "You should wipe yourself down. You're covered in sweat and rain."

"That was the plan," Casca replied. She looked at the cloth for a long moment. She could feel Griffith glaring-but-not-glaring at her back, and wondered for a moment if it was a good idea - but she also felt terrible, and frankly didn't want to deal with that shit.

"Can you do my back?" She asked before she could stop herself. "It's just, I don't think I have the balance to try right now. My head is swimming." She tried, on purpose, to sound extra miserable in the hopes of catching Griffith's sympathy bone, but she dare not look to see if she had succeeded; besides, it wasn't like she needed to try hard. She really was dizzy as hell.

"Sure." Guts said non-chalantly, grabbing the wash bowl he had just finished filling and starting to work between Casca's shoulder blades.

There was a whine from their right.

"Oh hush you," Guts said, though his tone was more affectionate than patronising. "I didn't forget you." He looked over to see Griffith with a surprised and kind of embarrassed look on his face. Clearly he hadn't meant to make that noise. Guts could only smirk.

"I wipe you down like this every night, don't I?" Guts remarked cooly, trailing the cloth down Casca's back. "I won't forget to do it tonight just because Casca is here." She wasn't sure if he was trying to be reassuring or condescending, because to her it sounded like both.

"Don't patronize me." Griffith snapped.

"Then don't act like I should have to, and I won't." Guts sassed back, handing the cloth over to Casca. She took it before turning to look at Guts' face, which held an amused smirk. Griffith, on the other hand, was anything but amused.

"Come here," Guts said as he sat a bit away from the mattress on the floor, putting the second bowl he had collected from the table and cloth to the side, but keeping his legs open. "Dieter says it's good for you to move around a bit. You've been doing really good with it, but I can't pick you up all the time." Griffith glared at him for that last line. He seemed to sulk in his aggravation for a moment.

"Come on Mr. Moody, before the water gets any colder." Griffith continued to glare for a moment more, before rolling his eyes and breathing a sigh. Guts's charm had won over his annoyance -if only for today.

Griffith sighed again at the prospect before him. He had gotten used to rolling out of bed and crawling to the bedpan, but it didn't mean it wasn't painful on his knees - knees that already hurt with the weather. With one last glance at Casca, who watched their interaction with feigned disinterest, he resolved his stiff tendons to move.

It was all well and good, until his knees hit the carpet. He winced against the uncomfortable pressure against his kneecaps which quickly evolved into a stretching, pinching pain. He tried to shuffle through it, but after just a few tiny "steps" he felt his body involuntarily curling in on itself.

"Knees painful?" Guts asked, stretching out his arm for support. Griffith looked up at him for a moment before he nodded, reaching for Guts' arm. "That's okay," Guts reassured, leaning forward on his knees to tilt Griffith onto his haunches, hooking his hand under Griffith's knees and arms and pulling him into the space between Guts' legs in one smooth, practiced motion. "We gotta do your stretches anyway. Do you want to do them before or after the wash?" Griffith looked at him expectantly. Guts sighed. "After the wash. I don't even know why I ask."

Casca looked on with a mixture of fascination and apprehension. Was this what it was like when Guts was taking care of him? She had hardly been allowed in here since he woke up from his coma, so on one hand it was interesting to see what exactly Guts did. On the other hand, she really hadn't expected the...casual-ness? The coolness? Of Guts behavior. Before, she felt like he was forcing himself to be calm and cool for Griffith's sake, which was fine - but now didn't feel forced, exactly, but it did feel practiced. This entire interaction did. Which kind of surprised and simultaneously alarmed Casca for some reason. Not because it was a bad thing, exactly, but more that this wasn't a side of Guts she was used to seeing.

"Up" Guts ordered softly, and Griffith obeyed without fuss, raising his arms so Guts could remove his shirt. "Shit." Guts muttered, before he glanced toward Casca a little unsurely. "Uh, Casca, while you're there, could you grab his night shirt from that box on the table? I always seem to forget that damn thing." Casca blinked in response. "Sure," she replied.

Removing the gown from the box, she noticed how incredibly soft it was. "Is this Mueslin?" She asked incredulously.

"Yep. Dieter kept a few like that, since cotton doesnt stick the way linen does. Im not sure what purpose such a thin cloth is for the sick - it sure the hell ain't for keeping them warm," Guts replied as he took the folded cloth from her and set it on his thigh. "But Deiter says it's supposed to do something about night sweats and keeping oozy things dry, or something. Plus it's pretty easy to clean, I guess." He then turned his attention back to Griffith, who was beginning to lean on Guts' shoulder. Casca tried not to look too hard at his scars, but the only other thing to focus on was the strange burning feeling that was growing in her gut - something that resembled jealousy, she noted with surprise.

She watched, distantly transfixed, as Guts methodically wiped Griffith down, only acknowledging Casca to tell her to look away when he needed to completely undress him to clean between his thighs, a thought which had Casca grateful that neither of them could see her face.

When Guts sounded the all-clear, though, he wasn't fully done doing...implicating things. Griffith had his gown on, which not only didn't hide many things, between his semi-open thighs, but Guts had moved on to helping him stretch and massage said thighs, which was...too much, for her.

"I-I'll just...stay here...until you're all done." Casca replied, hoping her high octave voice didn't give away the fire she felt coloring her face. Guts quirked his brow at her, but chalked it up to a growing list woman-things he didn't understand.

Once there really was an all clear, and Guts had Griffith and him tucked into bed, Guts invited her over. "I put down a few extra cloths, in case you...uh, Y'know..." It was Guts' turn to be embarrassed by the implications. Nonetheless, Casca was grateful. Washing blood out of mattresses was a pain, and she sure the hell was not about to let a man do that kind of thing for her.

"Thanks," she added as she crawled under the, thankfully, big hide blanket behind Guts. It was the first time Casca really noticed he had pressed the mattresses together to make one really big one, rather than have her sleep alone. The thought made her smile as she tucked in for the night.

Guts - and Guts alone, thankfully - heard Griffith's teeth click when he felt and heard Casca shifting around behind them. Casca did, however, hear Guts reprimand him. "Be nice," Guts warned. "There's a reason I'm sleeping between you two, so please don't carve me up over it, 'kay?" A grumbled huff came from Griffith, and Casca was a little shocked by how jealous and, frankly, petulant he seemed. 'Does he really dislike me so much? Or is this all because he wants Guts to himself?' Either situation seemed likely for him at this point - besides, it only went to prove how much Guts was not kidding about Griffith being a "moody pain in his ass sometimes" - a phrase she wouldn't have believed if you'd applied it to Griffith even a year ago.

"Lets just try and get some shut-eye, ok?"

Casca felt the air lose its static as they both quieted down and their breathing synchronised. She felt the dregs of the rain pulling down her mood sharply -or maybe it was her menarchy, or the situation just now. She didn't know, but a wave of melancholy swept her into near tears on the turn of a heel, and suddenly she felt very upset about the fact, of all things, that Guts had turned his back to her in favor of holding Griffith. She knew he didn't mean anything by it - but her heart said things her mind wasn't agreeing with right now, and it stung a bit that she wasn't getting cuddled when she felt like shit.

As if sensing her distress, a hand appeared, reaching for her own - but it wasn't the hand she was expecting. No, this hand was familiarly small and scarred. She wasn't sure it was on purpose until he actively grabbed at her fingers, clutching them with what awkward coordination he had.

She wasn't sure if it was an apology or an attempt at comfort, but she took it to mean both things. She curled into Guts back and squeezed Griffith's hand slightly; she smiled when he squeezed them back.

Huzzah, the only happy scene I have written down RN. Feel free to ask about anything else, anon! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to post this draft. :)

[lokisprettygirl]

His baby - loki x reader (angst)

Summary : you think you are pregnant and loki doesn't take it well so he ends up saying things he never should have

(I suck at summaries so just read please 🥺)

Warning : loki is bit of a jerk , angst , talk of pregnancy

Note : I'll write a part two of this because I know how I want it to end , so let me know if you're interested. Thanks for reading and liking my other posts I really appreciate it alot. ❤️

"Hey can I ask you a question?" You were with pepper in the kitchen making tomato soup or something. Well she was making it while you just stood there. "Yeah what's wrong? you look like you have seen a ghost?" She says as she dumped a can of tomatoes in the pot. "ummm so you're pregnant right ?" You asked her as you looked at her little baby bump "no I just like wearing fake belly" she replied sarcastically "ofcourse I'm pregnant silly we had a party here remember? ..oh my god are you pregnant?" She almost yelled. "No ..yes maybe?.. I mean I don't know and I'm scared,I should have had my periods 7 days ago, and I have been feeling nauseous today, those are the signs right?"

"It could be , why don't you take a test and did you tell loki? How did he take it? He doesn't seem like the daddy type" she said as she looked at you sympathetically. "Oh he is a daddy type trust me" you chuckled and she rolled her eyes "to be honest I don't know how he will react but he always surprises me so who knows" She stopped doing whatever she was doing and she hugged you "everything will be alright okay ? Now go take a test and I'll set up an appointment with my gynecologist, she's the best. Don't worry " Her words comforted you but you still had to tell loki , that was only if you were pregnant.

You sat in your bathroom, waiting for the stick to tell you weather you'll be drinking tonight or not. The seconds felt like hours and once you saw the two pink lines, it felt like someone had pulled the rug from under your feet. Positive, you were pregnant. You were not ready to have a baby right now and you were not sure how would it even work, was it even possible to carry a child with him. Loki was a frost giant and you both have never talked about babies in your 3 year of relationship. All of this made you very anxious and you were on the verge of having a panic attack. You had to talk to loki.

Loki was sparring with thor and steve in the training room. They had to go on a mission soon. Steve's eyes went to you as you walked in "Hey Y/n , are you here for your session? Nat is not here yet" he told you, you were taking fighting and defense lessons from nat. Loki turned around and smiled as he looked at you. He was wearing a black t shirt and sweatpants and as much as claimed to hate midgardian clothes, deep down he really enjoyed how comfortable they felt. And he always looked like a dream "no I just needed to talk to him" you looked at him and he walked towards you. "Lovebirds can't stay apart for long hmm" you hear Steve's voice in background as he joked with thor.

"Missed me pet?" He whispered as he kissed you softly on the lips and then hugged you. His embrace felt calming and you wanted to bask in that feeling before you dropped a bomb on him. "I did ..uhh can I talk to you please? But not here..can we go to our room?" You grabbed his wrists and dragged him out of the training room and you both got inside the elevator "what have you planned princess? You know I have to leave soon right so you better" he stopped talking and his smirk turned into a frown as soon as he heard your voice.

"I'm pregnant" there you said it. The elevator stopped at your floor and you stepped out to go straight to your shared room. You didn't want to look at him. What was going around inside his head, was he mad ? Happy? Disappointed?. Loki entered the room few seconds later and his face had no visible emotions whatsoever. "Did you hear what i said?" You asked him, nervousness filled your words.

He laughed. Is he laughing? Why is he laughing ? And then he stopped and you have never been scared of loki but in that moment his silence and the look on his face did scare you "It's not possible princess. You know it's not ,I make sure of that. We have talked about how I use my seidr to be assured of that " he looked at you "I took the test , I have missed my periods and I haven't been feeling great, I'm not lying to you" you raised your voice a little, out of all the reaction you imagined him having, his nonchalantness was not one of them

"Unless it's not even mine" Did you just hear that ? How could he even say that? Did he not trust you that you are faithful to him and that you would never cheat on him. "what did you say?" Your voice cracked and it made you angrier, you didn't want to cry right now. Not in front of him while he acted like a jerk. "Exactly what you heard, I won't be surprised to be honest, I have seen how other guys look at you. The fragile little defenseless mortal of the tower" he smirked, in three years of your relationship loki have never talked to you like this and he had never made you feel weak , but right now when you needed him the most, he is hurting you more then he could ever imagine.

You often felt weak like you were just useless. Living amongst the superheroes wasn't easy, that's why you took lessons from nat so you can atleast fight n defend yourself in case of an attack. But loki always told you how strong you were for going through everything alone in your life and now here he is making you feel like a slut and a weak useless human at the same time.

"So you think I let one of them fuck me ? Is that what you think happened? Because I'm so weak I would sleep with someone in exchange for what? Security? In case an alien attacks the tower or something?" The tone of your voice hurt him but he did deserve it after what he said.

"I have to go, I can't be here right now or I'll say things I'll regret later so forgive me for this" that's all he said and then he was gone. He left you to ponder over the fact that you were pregnant and your boyfriend kind of made sure that he would not want to do anything with it. Or did he? Was he scared because of his own relationships with his fathers. He wouldn't just leave you right ? He did accuse you of sleeping with someone else. How dare he? All these questions made you feel hopeless and you were exhausted. It felt like a nightmare.

On the way to the Quinjet, loki thought about how he reacted to the news of you being pregnant. He wished he could take back everything he said in there, and that he was there right now to calm you down and tell you that he would always be there for you. But he couldn't, he said things he shouldn't have , not to you. You didn't deserve it at all, but he can't take it back. You will never forgive him for it and yet again he did manage to ruin the best thing in his life. His only source of happiness. "Brother are you alright ?" Thor asked him as they strapped in their seats

"I think I absolutely destroyed my one chance at happiness so no, I'm not alright"

Part 2

[bumblesimagines]

Double Trouble

Request: Yes or No

Couldn't think of a better title lmao. This is gonna be real shitty but the intro to series are either amazing or pure shit. Gonna give (Y/N)'s mom and fam a name cause I don't wanna keep writing (M/N) or (L/N). (Y/N) isn't related to any of the characters fyi. Spot the very obvious accidental reference

~

"Why California? Out of all the places in America, California was choice you went with? Not Washington, Oregon, or fuck, I don't know, North Dakota?" (Y/N) rested his head against the window, watching the houses pass by. His mother, Tanya, glanced at him with a small frown.

"Baby, aren't you tired of Alaska? Same old cold weather?" Tanya asked, staring forward at the empty road. (Y/N) scoffed, sitting up and looking at her with a raised brow.

"You can escape the cold. You can't escape the heat." (Y/N) pointed out, leaning back and picking up his phone with a frown. He looked at the texts from his friend, sighing softly.

Yaya

U already in cali??

(Y/N)

Ya

(Y/N)

It sucks

Yaya

New school new u bby

Daniel

Whats the time difference?

(Y/N)

It's 4 here

(Y/N)

Wbu?

Yaya

3

"Baby, could you look at me?" Tanya asked, pulling into the school parking lot and parking the car. (Y/N) turned his head to look at her.

"I'm sorry I suddenly dragged us out of Alaska. I just felt like we could use a change. Alaska feels suffocating as an adult. I want you to have new experiences." Tanya explained softly. (Y/N) nodded, glancing at the students walking into school.

"Listen, if you get anxious or feel sick, text me, okay?" Tanya gave him a comforting smile, running a hand through his hair. (Y/N) nodded, opening the car door. He unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car.

"Have a good day, sweetie!"

"You too." (Y/N) closed the door, walking towards the school. He had lived in Seward his whole life. He was used to the cold, the sound of boats, the cold immediately hitting his face the moment he stepped outside. (Y/N) knew it wasn't about experiences. His mom just didn't want him to have the same boring life she did. (Y/N) looked at his phone, opening the group chat again. He looked through the texts, smiling at the pictures his friend sent him. (Y/N) looked at his email, sighing as he searched for his locker. He found it, opening it and glancing at the guy beside him.

"Uh, hey, I'm Ethan. You're new, right?" Ethan gave an awkward smile, clearing his throat. (Y/N) licked his lips, nodding. Ethan seemed like the typical nerdy loner.

"Yeah, I'm (Y/N)."

"Cool, cool. Where are you coming from?" Ethan tilted his head, closing his locker and leaning against it. (Y/N) didn't feel like making friends but Ethan could probably help him get familiar with everyone and everything.

"Alaska." (Y/N) replied, closing his locker and giving him a tight smile. Ethan's brows raised, letting out a small chuckle.

"Really? That's cool, I've never really left California. What's it like?"

"Cold." (Y/N) chuckled softly. Ethan laughed and nodded, licking his lips as he stuck his hands in his pockets. (Y/N) looked him over. He was small, skinny, seemed nervous and awkward. Probably a good guy.

"So, are you a junior?" Ethan asked. (Y/N) nodded, going into his phone gallery and pressing on the saved picture of his schedule. He showed him the screen, watching him lean in and smile.

"We have 1st, 3rd, and 6th together." Ethan said, motioning down the hall. "Come on, I'll show you around."

"Thanks." (Y/N) gave him a small smile, following him. His gaze flickered from student to student. Some glanced at him, knowing he was new. (Y/N) didn't like attention. He didn't like the spotlight. He hated when people stared or payed too much attention to him. He hated the way a pit formed in his stomach and he became nauseous when he was called on and people stared at him in class. (Y/N) entered the class, taking a seat beside Ethan and sighing softly.

"Thanks, by the way. I didn't expect to make a friend until like my second week here."

"No problem. I know it can feel shitty to be the new kid." (Y/N) gave Ethan a small smile, looking forward.

(Y/N) set down his lunch tray, sitting down across from Ethan. He glanced around the courtyard, picking up a french fry. Ethan finished drinking his water, humming softly.

"By the way, whatever you do, don't mess with Maddy Perez." Ethan said, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. (Y/N) furrowed his brows.

"Right, you don't know them." Ethan chuckled, turning his head. He looked around, searching for the girls.

"There, the girl with black hair besides the blonde and the girl in a jeresy." Ethan motioned towards them. Maddy seemed like your typical popular. Makeup done perfectly, perfect body, her hair was done perfectly.

"She's a cheerleader and probably the most popular girl in school. She's been with Nate Jacobs for a while. Nate is a football player and his dad has a lot of power. He's.. Terrifying. The girls beside her are her best friends. Cassie and Barbara." Ethan picked up his burger. "There's Kat too and Kat is.."

"Your crush?" (Y/N) cocked a brow, chuckling. Ethan's tone had changed the moment this 'Kat' girl had been mentioned. His eyes had softened and a smile had appeared on his face.

"U-Uhm, n-no. She's a friend, like, just a friend." Ethan gave a nervous fake smile. (Y/N) hummed, shaking his head as he chuckled softly. He looked down at his tray, poking at the wrapped burger.

"Anyways, Cassie's nudes and some videos of her got leaked by her exes. It was real shitty." Ethan told him, finishing his burger. "There's Rue and Jules. Rue overdosed over the summer and Jules is new here."

"What?" (Y/N) furrowed his brows, staring at Ethan. The biggest thing that ever happened at his school was two teachers fighting. Drugs were an issue everywhere. He just didn't expect a teenger to OD and everyone to know. Ethan looked back at him.

"Do you wanna.. Hang out?"

"I have to unpack." (Y/N) replied, picking up his phone and scrolling through his instagram.

"Oh, shit, that's the new kid." Barbara pointed out, pulling her hair back into a ponytail. Cassie and Maddy turned to look.

"Oh.. Where's he from?" Cassie asked as she twirled a strand of her blonde hair around her finger. She wanted to forget all about McKay after their argument and breakup. The new boy seemed like a good distraction.

"He seems sweet." Cassie said with a small smile. Maddy scoffed, rolling her eyes as she looked at her.

"That's what you say about every guy, Cassie." Maddy opened her backpack, taking out her makeup bag. She took out some gloss, turning when she spotted Nate. She scowled when Nate very obviously flirted with some girl. Maddy took in a deep breath, turning toward her friends.

"Is there a party tonight? I need to fuck with Nate. He's such a dick." Maddy tapped her nails against her phone case. Cassie gave her a comforting smile, shaking her head.

"You can come over and we'll have a photo shoot. You can post it and make him regret everything." Cassie grinned as Maddy's eyes lit up, nodding.

"This is why I love you, Cass." The two giggled as Maddy wrapped her arms around her.

"But, back to that new guy.. If he hangs with Ethan, he's probably a loser." Barbara said, watching the two boys. Cassie gasped softly, shooting her a look.

"BB! Ethan's actually a really sweet guy. We did a project together last year." Cassie said. Maddy nodded, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"Yeah, BB, don't be a bitch. You do got a point though. He gives major school shooter vibes." Maddy said, leaning forward to look around Cassie. She watched as the two stood and threw away their trash.

"Hey, they're staring at you." Ethan said, nudging (Y/N). (Y/N) turned towards the girls, catching their eyes before he shrugged and turned away.

"Let's go to History."

[ddaehyeon]

。✧ hyacinth; park serim + reader

— pairing: fashion designer!park serim + photographer!reader

— genre: angst, slight fluff, exes au, post-breakup, slightly suggestive (one scene only!)

— word count: 7.1k

— warning: arguments, heartbreak, mentions of anxiety and emptiness

— summary: years had passed since you broke up with serim; life had been continuously patching up ever since. his name had marked several clothing lines, while your studio was well-known in the small city you lived in. who would’ve known that a sight of him on a bus stop would be enough to bring back wounds you thought had long ago healed?

— navi: playlist | video teaser | cravity masterlist

— a/n: my wips suffered from a major slump and this is quite an overdue fic (i also have another overdue fic help) but i hope someone would still at least read this though >< the first ver of this didn't satisfy me and though this ver didn't satisfy me that much, i feel like after rewriting almost half of the fic, this one's better. i'll do my best to pull something better soon!

autumn must be the most magical part of the year. the leaves experiencing a color alteration, scarlets and golds carpeting the ground— a yearly harvest of the earth where everything was gradually being taken away. long gone was the heat of the summer; the chilly evening breeze sure was much friendlier than of winter. the season served as a comforting quilt. it was such a great time for warm drinks that could lift up the mood even for the wariest.

you let go of a breath as you stared at the window, the sun was setting. the color fleshed out in the sky golden, jiving well with the surrounding that was already of the same palette. with an indoor shoot for a seasonal issue of a magazine, it sure was a tiring day. the sound of camera clicks still ringing in your head, along with the hushed talks and chitchats coming from the staff members and the models.

at first, you were hesitant to accept the project. afraid that you’d bump by one of the renowned fashion designers in your region, park serim. but then, you couldn’t just chicken out when a hefty sum was to be paid. the relief you had when you saw that his name wasn’t on the list of designers was almost the same kind of relief you'd have after preventing big trouble from occurring.

“i finished placing back the props in the room.” hyeongjun’s voice was still as bright as it was this morning as if not touched by any fatigue. he was one of the photographers you hired in your studio, offering only fine shots. “i’ll be going home early, just send me a message about what time tomorrow’s shoot will be!”

“thank you, junie.” a smile was on your brim as you nodded on his words, watching him pack his camera and leave afterward.

silence melted in the room as soon as hyeongjun stepped out. alone in your photography studio, you sat on a stool used earlier by one of the models. the room was dimly lit with only one of the umbrella lights open. it was only by then that you realized your thighs were already stiff from the nonstop work earlier. you wanted to go home and just be in the comforts of your bed.

pulling out your phone, you dialed your brother’s number, frowning when it took him quite a while to pick up. was he busy or did he just forget that he was supposed to pick you up tonight?

jungmo would always fetch you by your studio after his working hours concluded. with the two of you living together in the same house, your brother just found it ideal— bringing you to your work every morning and giving you a drive home every evening. it might seem like he was babying you, but it was a gesture you grew fond of.

“y/n?” jungmo gasped on the other line. it seemed like he was outside, music playing in the background which mingled well with the peals of laughter. “shit, i forgot to tell you.”

you raised a brow, questioning his words. “what’s the matter?”

“can’t fetch you today.” you can already envision the pout he had on his lips. “i’m at a party with allen and woobin, catching up with my colleagues. i’ll make it up to you tomorrow, i promise!”

“alright. i’ll just ride the bus then.” it was your turn to purse your lips. you can’t bring yourself to complain about it though. “have fun! just stay in woobin’s apartment tonight, don’t drive!”

“i will, i will,” jungmo replied, a call of his name following. his friends might’ve been looking for him already. “text me alright? get home safely, y/nie.”

at the end of the phone call came another sigh from you. a tightlipped smile braced your lips as you stood to turn off the remaining lights. you retrieved your camera and placed it back in one of the drawers. making sure everything was back to its place, secured; you gave the place one final look. something you’d do every single day before going home. a reminder of the thing you loved the most. a reminder of what could have been.

the sidewalk wasn’t as empty as you imagined it to be, maybe you weren’t used to walking to the bus stop anymore. strangers of different day occurrences exchanged various looks that shared one same element, tiredness.

when the wind blew, fallen leaves danced along with it. the slight coldness making you tuck your hands inside the pocket of the cardigan you were wearing. you loved the cool breeze, but not when you knew you had to stay out on an open shed with it as your companion. cold weather could be your friend, a company for a better evening sleep. but rather a harsh fellow when you had to be alone, when loneliness can easily be injected to your senses.

tracing the path, a memory went to play in your head. way back in college, this was the same sidewalk you’d walk in with your ex-lover. a camera on your hand while he had a roll of satin in his arms. it was such a usual view for the two of you as you talked about how the day went, ranting about the monotonous lectures, gushing over how you missed each other’s company and how you wished that the two of you could get back to your shared apartment as soon just so you can snuggle on the couch.

you glanced at the sky, the cloud hiding the few scattered twinkling stars. a faint smile spread upon your lips, only to disappear when your gaze went back to the bus stop. the male that passed by in a form of fleeting memory earlier was standing right in front of you as if fleshed out from your mind. a lavender-colored paper bag was hanging on his arm, the logo of his product line delicately stamped on the middle. his phone was resting on his other hand, if he was scrolling through sns or texting someone, you weren’t sure.

the magical feeling he used to offer long gone, your stomach twisting into several knots. a cold sensation went down in your spine as a familiar tug came to pull your heartstring. he’s back? what is he doing here? he lives here again?

your thoughts were loud in your head, but none of it was pulled out loud. each word ending up as a lump in your throat. the air was thickening, your heart beating fast, not out of excitement, but out of the clashing thoughts that left you so nervous and confused. it had been years, how come a single sight of him made you feel like all your resolutions are gone? how did a single sight of him become enough to shatter the glass that protected you from the ache that night had caused you?

it was cold. but no, it was no longer because of the autumn breeze.

“serim?” the name was uttered in the same way you would before everything came crashing, yet it held a much weaker tone. you can’t even remember the last time your voice came to wrap around the syllables of his name.

the male turned his head to look at you, a brow raised as he stared at you. no obvious emotion, his eyes held no recognition.

and his reply? it sent a shiver down your spine, your stomach flipping in a horrendous manner.

“who are you?”

for a moment, the air caused such a nauseous feeling— thin and hard to inhale. it was only three words, yet it was powerful enough to serve as a punch in the gut.

how can he forget?

how can he forget how the two of you first met?

not that it was a very momentous event, just a regular struggle faced by two college students that needed someone else to accomplish a project for a major subject. there were no butterflies involved, nor did sparks fly the moment you met. regardless, up until now, that day burned fresh in your mind.

“i know someone from that department,” woobin said without even looking at you, his eyes focused on his book. though you weren’t sure if he was really paying attention to the words written there as he kept on diving in the conversation every now and then.

“and who might that be?” the dreadful task of having to pair up with the design department had been inhabiting your mind ever since it was given to you. pressure rising as you saw your other blockmates having no hard time getting themselves out there and communicating with the department they weren’t really accustomed to. you still have a month and a half, you were sure you can still make it. it was just a photoshoot anyway, featuring your partner’s designs.

“park serim,” woobin finally answered as if he had to think hard of the person’s name. “i think no one had asked him to become their partner, he’d be available to do it.”

desperate to get over with the task, later that day, you found yourself by the catwalk the design students would take. it was a path that connected their building to the main gate directly. your building wasn’t exactly far away from theirs, but still of a different building. with their building equipped with supplies and machineries for final products, yours were of computers, lightings, and screens.

you stared at your phone, his instagram profile opened. earlier, you already took the pleasure of checking his works out and without much filtering, him as well. he sure does love taking pictures of himself; something that could work perfectly with him being your subject. once satisfied, you left him a dm that was probably one of the most awkward sentences you had ever typed in the entirety of your life.

a notification popped out as you look at your screen, which was shortly followed by another. it was only of common courtesy to follow him before asking him for a favor right? you did that before messaging him and now he followed you back and replied to your dm. unlike you, he didn’t spend much time wandering in your profile. well, as if he had so much to look unto aside from the sceneries and some stories posted.

‘you were the person woobin was talking about? i’ll be out in two minutes. see you in the catwalk.’

it wasn’t too long of a duration, you allowed yourself to simply jump from a social media to another, mindlessly scrolling and liking some post every now and then. only lifting your head up when a wave of students began getting out of the establishment. most were holding mannequins with unfinished clothing attached to them, some were holding rolls of fabrics you weren’t sure what to call.

with squinted eyes, you tried to look for him among the crowds. woobin said that serim was a fashion design major, so he’d probably be holding the same thing as the other students that came out.

and he was.

leaning on his shoulder was a mannequin, asymmetrically dressed in silk. it wasn’t sewn yet, only supported by sewing pins. an arm wrapped around a roll of what seemed to be linen of pastel blue color. there was also a paper bag hanging on his arm which seemed to have some extra fabric and maybe some other supplies.

you walked towards him with a wave to which he gave you a confused look at first, the frown melting away when he realized that you were the one who messaged him not even an hour ago.

“you’re y/n?” he asked, merely to confirm.

you nodded your head and offered a hand in carrying the paper bag. something he didn’t refuse to. “so…” unsure of how to bring up the means of meeting with him after his class, your voice trailed.

“what do you need anyway?” he supported your words as he traced the path of the sidewalk. “take pictures of me or take pictures of the clothes i make?”

“both.” a chuckle left your lips, laced with nothing but sheer abashment, at the same time mentally cursing this project. you were okay with taking pictures, but the negotiation that comes with it wasn’t a task you were so used to doing.

serim hummed, saying an almost inaudible ‘i see’ before taking a big step and stopping in front of you to do a curt observation. his gaze trailing from toes up to your shoulder. “i’ll agree to do it, if you’ll model for me for a project.”

blinking your eyes multiple times, a baffled frown came to mask your countenance. “what?”

“i need a model that will wear the dress i’m doing by the end of the semester,” serim uttered nonchalantly, proceeding to turn his back to you and resume walking. “that would be quits.”

“i’ll do it,” you said, despite still being hesitant. having close to zero knowledge about how such a presentation would work, you were so close to disagreeing. but then again, it would only be a good way to repay him, right? and perhaps the other fashion design students would ask you of the same thing if you try to team up with them.

turning to look at you, there was a curve that formed on his brim. “that’s a deal then.”

how can he forget how the two of you confessed to each other?

two months. it took two months of random meet ups, daily conversations, and occasional hanging out to get to know each other. the awkward messages of checking up on each other’s side of the project turned to asking about each other’s day, sharing rants about academic life or life in general. the occasional hanging out turning to planned dates and spontaneous ones when the two of you both have the time to spare.

you’d usually stay in his unit as he worked on the dress for his project, a clothing that perfectly suits your figure. late night talks induced by the slightest energy given by coffee the two of you had clung into in hopes of being able to finish what was due.

it seemed like time flew by and before you knew it, you were in the backstage. serim was pacing back and forth, more nervous than you were. he wasn’t the one that was going to the stage, but sure his body was restless.

“are you alright?” you asked him once the two of you were left alone in the dressing room.

this was enough for serim’s movement to come to a halt. even when his eyes landed on you, it was obvious that his mind was floating. in fact, it even took him hot seconds before he was able to commit to a verbal response. “i am.”

“you are?” a smile broke out of your countenance which was eventually followed by a chuckle. “are you sure with that?”

your laughter was adequate to ease his nerves a little, a curve appearing on his lips. “i am.”

one of his classmates who was in charge of the flow came knocking to the door, signalling that you should be on standby.

“i’ll do my best,” you said, walking toward the door. it would be a definite lie to say that you were not at all nervous. a deep breath taken before twisting the knob, stopping when serim called you. it was covered with a bit, yet noticeable hesitation that it made you cock a brow for a moment.

“good luck.” it was all that he uttered, along with a gesticulation of him raising both fists. though serim’s mind spoke of different words, words he had little courage to let go of. at least not yet at that moment.

you gave him a smile, nodding your head afterward. “thank you.”

and off you go.

roaring crowds and camera clicks; the auditorium set up for the use of the fashion design students as they exhibit their works through their chosen models. formerly, you’d find yourself among the crowds, snapping pictures and admiring the clothes done by the other students. but this time, you found yourself clothed in a floral print silk-blend asymmetrical dress designed by serim himself.

the lights were blinding, being always part of the photographers, you were quite accustomed with how you were part of the persons behind the camera lense. serim was in the dressing room, watching the runway from the screen that displayed the live broadcast. some of your friends were among the crowds, your older brother even telling you before the show started that he’d be sure to take pictures of you.

fortunately, the few days of practice didn’t go to waste, no major mistakes happened when you modeled serim’s design. perhaps the only problem was you were a little stiff, something too trivial for some audience to notice.

as soon as you stepped by the backstage, serim’s proud smile welcomed you. unable to rest in the dressing room once he saw you getting out of the stage, he practically ran to meet you behind the curtains.

his eyes were filled with adoration, not just for the dress he finished making, but for the overall beauty you radiated. without much thought, he walked closer to you, soon wrapping you in an embrace. tight, yet gentle.

“you did well, y/n,” serim whispered, not letting go.

a soft chuckle was heard from you, your cheeks burning. “you did well,” you corrected. “please, it’s your design.”

“thank you.” releasing you, a smile lingered on his visage. “i’ll make you a better dress in the future.”

“you don’t have to, but thanks,” you replied before the two of you sunk into silence. regardless of how the surrounding was of heavy music and cheers, peace had found its way to emanate in the dimmed part of the area.

no words spoken, yet feelings poured when serim leaned closer. his lips easily capturing yours enough to make your heart pound in your chest, louder than it did while you were in the catwalk.

serim broke the kiss, his lips still close with yours. his eyes were of another glow when he uttered a set of words, familiar yet foreign. “i love you.”

once again, you were under his spell. soft kiss turning into a sloppy one once he guided you to a more secluded area. it would be such a waste to rip the dress off given that it was an original design, yet as the person who sewn each part of the clothing you were wearing, serim had his way to resolve the small dilemma.

the surrounding was silenced, your body frail under each of his touch, breath taken away, chest heaving. sure, it was a night you won’t be able to forget.

how can he forget about how the two of you practically lived with each other for years?

the exuberance exuded while the two of you carried several boxes into an empty unit you called home. maybe it wasn’t really about the place, but it was who you were with. his arms served as a shelter. his hand caught tears of both happiness and sadness. his lips pressed affection that no one else could offer. everywhere with serim was of comfort, of tranquility— a home.

living with another person, being under a single roof wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to adjust to. throughout the first few months of living together, your head was filled with memories of sheer trial and error as the two of you tried to learn the curves. this included adjusting for each other or at least compromising for what the other likes that the other doesn’t. silly mistakes became such a fond memory.

the smell of burnt food that wafted in the air when the two of you decided to stay on the balcony while cooking dinner. astonished by the stars and the almost endless stories that passed on both lips the meal you were preparing was left neglected. that night, the two of you shared bitter food of dark exterior, quite hard to swallow. but the laughter that filled the house after the incident lifted up each other’s mood. despite the bad-tasting meal, it was probably one of the best dinners you had in that apartment.

it didn’t end there. who would forget about the laundry disaster that rendered one of serim’s white long sleeves saturated with colors you weren’t sure what to call. the mixture of forget-me-not blue and azalea pink stood as the most distinguishable pigment along with the other colors. serim only let out of a chuckle at what occurred, even joking that maybe the two of you could start a business of dying white clothing in such a way.

the best memory thus far was a late-night run by the convenience store when the two of you were chasing a morning deadline. a grumbling stomach that broke the mutual silence the two of you exchanged, along with a suspecting look that ended up with laughter.

“let’s buy some food,” serim suggested, removing the tape measure from his shoulder and settling it to the mannequin.

you hit save on your laptop, the editing could wait for a few minutes.

pulling yourself off the chair, you gazed at him with a smile. it wasn’t a surprise that he had the same beam, as bright as the morning, regardless of how the evening was already crawling onto the whole city. sometimes, you wondered how a simple smile could give you so much energy. what kind of magic does a beam flashed by the person you love hold?

a few snacks picked up by the convenience store; a bag in his hand, your hand on the other as the two of you walked back to your unit. the evening sky and the soft gush of wind amplifying the peacefulness provided by the city. no words were exchanged, yet the silence was enough of a word.

deadlines momentarily escaping the mind as you allowed yourself to be engulfed by his presence. his soft voice breaking the silence, the phrase that left his lips drew a curve on your lips. “i love you, y/n.” you weren’t looking at him, but you could perceive the smile he had. “so much.”

“i know,” you replied.

serim’s steps became slower as he looked at you, waiting for the actual response. with a tilted head and shining eyes that reflected your figure and the street lights, his gaze didn’t waver.

a chuckle left your lips, finding yourself lost in his eyes for a moment. “i love you too, serim.” you squeezed his hand, cueing him to continue walking. “so much.”

sighing out of content, a radiant smile decorated his lips.

at that moment, the two of you wished nothing more but just to be next to each other for as long as life would grant you.

how can he forget about your first anniversary?

it wasn’t grand, just the two of you sitting by the balcony. the bouquet he bought abandoned on the dinner table as the two of you gushed over plans you were sure were realistic enough to be achieved. your eyes twinkling with mirth, a lifetime with him sure was the ideal one you’d want to spend.

“y/n,” despite being just beside you, serim called.

you looked at him with a brow raised, catching his eyes on yours. “mhm?”

a smile simply spread onto his lips before he broke the gaze. his hand seeking for an item inside the pocket of his hoodie, a small box retrieved afterward. there, a necklace sat. the pendant was of a ring that was not entirely decorated with fancy stones, rather a lone blue sapphire stone was on it.

“the pendant is a promise ring,” serim explained before scooting closer to you. his hand reached for the back of your head while the necklace rested on your skin. he locked the jewelry on your neck, pressing a gentle kiss on your forehead after.

you were silent the whole time, not because you didn’t like the gesture. but because you were sure words wouldn’t be enough to express the satisfaction and light feeling that was blanketing your heart.

serim had a faint smile as he admired the necklace for a moment. just like you, his heart was in an ocean of peaceful joy. lifting his head to look at you directly, he gave your lips a light peck. “i’ll buy you a better one once we’re ready for it.”

“thank you.” your countenance mirrored the same expression serim had— of joy and serenity. “i love you so much.”

“i love you too.” serim leaned in for another quick kiss, swift yet lingering. “i can’t wait to spend a lifetime with you.”

the evening droned on and on with the two of you staying by the balcony, exchanging conversations about the future. two hearts in one home, seemingly able to find the path where both can hold each other’s hand. minds filled with dreams where the other can also be spotted. a considerably spacious studio apartment became the foundation of your plans and dreams.

aspirations that soon became the neglected cause of why your relationship with him gradually crumbled down.

how can he forget about your very first fight?

gazes that held no definite emotion, silence that cut through the air— it was all an unfamiliar experience, hard to swallow. something that you weren’t able to forget easily as it was the first time you’ve ever seen serim with such a cold expression.

the coaster of shows on the television had long passed, a few recaps played. something that wasn’t really able to get a hold of your attention. your mind drifting elsewhere and the few notifications appearing on your phone were the only ones that managed to pull you out of your daze momentarily.

“where’s serim?” for the nth time that day, you asked. the room was quiet with only a few chatters from the screen in front of you. the evening was growing older and older, but you haven’t received any message about serim's whereabouts. neither had he sent you a message the whole afternoon.

worried, you opted to stay up and wait for him. even prepared a meal that can be easily heated so he can have something to eat once he arrives in case he hasn’t eaten anything yet.

with the door clicking, you were quick to get off the couch. the faint footsteps signaling you right away.

“you’re finally home,” you said, a smile easily located on your brim. only for it to melt away at the sight of serim’s stern look. his gaze piercing through, enough for chills to trace your spine.

he walked past you, not even offering you the regular hugs and kisses he would do every time he’d arrive. all that was left were cold stares. something you attempted to break. and heck did you regret doing so.

“why haven’t you been answering your phone? have you already eaten?” the worry you had accumulated coming through in waves of questions.

a sigh was emitted out of his mouth as he went to get himself a drink. it seemed like a verbal response was not an option for him since he continued to ignore your questions. at this point, it was as if there was no one else in the room. it was like you weren’t there.

“did something happen, serim?”

a minute. it was all it took for the entirety of your relationship to come to an unknown turn. the curve strange, it crawled to the skin with such a frigid touch enough for your stomach to flip horribly.

“can you give me a break?” serim hissed, a glare shoot in your direction. his voice growing power word after word. your breath was taken away, how can words suffice to make you feel so small? he placed his glass on the sink, the item almost meeting its demise. he turned to look at you once again. “can’t you see, i’m tired?”

“i waited for you.” the words spilled out of your lips, disappointment hugging your tone.

“who told you to wait for me?” serim snarled and before you knew it, you were already standing on the same page. similar expression, different cause. yours were anchored in concern, while his were of fatigue from the whole day of heavy workload. those seemed to have lulled both of your senses, blinding each other.

“oh well, i was just worried about you because you didn’t send me a message the whole afternoon up to this point.”

“do i really need to report my actions to you?”

“no, but you have to at least tell me if you’re going home late.” your voice gradually softened, a tear held back.

no, you can’t cry. no, not in front of him. no.

“i was worried,” you broke out. but it wasn’t enough for his fumes to dissolve. like gasoline poured into flames, each of your replies only intensified the exasperation boiling in his stomach.

“i’m going to rest.” serim sigh was audible as he stormed off to your room, leaving you with tears in your eyes.

a minute.

it only took half a minute for everything to fall out of its order. that fight wasn’t the last one and each passing day, the unit you once called home was stuck with unfamiliarity.

it was no longer a home.

how can he forget about that night?

cold meals by the table had your eyes fixated on them. the date encircled in red, a supposedly special day that turned bitter. different from how you used to spend it before—of laughter and warm touches— serim wasn’t there. he was far too involved with projects that your shared unit only became a short shelter. words were barely exchanged, yet alone gazes. you still sleep on the same bed as him, but no warmth was offered.

you weren’t sure which was better, to continue living with him even if it felt like you weren’t living with him or to have him gone in your life for real. regardless of the turns that occurred, the continuous erosion of your relationship, you couldn’t find it to yourself to let go. still tied by your attachment to the former serim.

a sigh left your lips, desolated gaze trailing on the table. you tried. but it seemed like those attempts were futile. it takes two people’s efforts. you can’t revive a relationship alone.

switching place, you went to the living room and sat by the couch. the place dimly lit by a lone lampshade. the city lights filtering through the window. the air gradually thickened around you, it held your throat in a vice grip. the photographs displayed by the shelves were foreign to you, despite how it was simply you and serim. it was like you were staring at completely different people. smiles had long been taken away, touches had melted, flutters subsided— all that was left was a terrible feeling of helplessness. something that seemed to guide you to nowhere. you were lost.

before, you were sure of how the story was to be written. how the chapters were to unfold. but right now, you weren’t even certain what would be on the next page. it was like the next ones were torn from the spine, gone. oh hell, you weren’t even sure what page you were on right now or if the story was bound to be written in the first place.

serim’s arrival went unnoticed at first. only until you heard the clink of the glass meeting the sink did you turn in his direction. an empty gaze was earned and for some reason you found yourself offering him a faint smile. a small gesture packed in pain that was quick to course through your senses.

sighing had become his way of greeting. dark circles under his eyes and the disheveled look emanated how his work had been weighing him. but your mouth was closed regardless of how you wanted to speak of reassurance and praise. it was strange, the inability to speak of warm words around him. why were you so held by fear?

“serim,” you called, breaking the floating silence.

he looked at you, eyes deep like he was examining a piece of fabric. it was enough for your stomach to churn. the stillness continued after your call. you weren’t sure how to continue it; it was as if his name was unnatural in your tongue. not only was your breath sucked, but also all the possible words had dissipated.

yet again another sigh as he tore his gaze away, stepping towards the bedroom. “i’m so tired, y/n,” he uttered, setting a line for you to not cross onto. “very tired.”

resurfacing on your brim was a smile. your eyes weren’t exactly skillful of lying though as tears soon gathered on it. heart hollowed in emptiness as if a scream would echo on its wall. likewise, your voice decided to betray you— shaking. “serim, i’m getting tired too.”

for a swift moment, serim tried to come up with an answer. but just like you, comforting words seemed to be an unfamiliar language. even aware of how a look would be inadequate, he only stared at you. his eyes don’t speak of words nor radiated comfort— it was vacant. lowering his head, he carded his fingers on his hair before letting go of a breath.

serim finally stepped inside the bedroom.

and that was how the two of you parted ways.

how can he forget about you?

it went on and on in your head, the question continuously striking.

a gush of autumn breeze pulled you out of your daze. serim was still looking at you, his eyes slowly lightening with recognition. a few blinks and he spoke. “oh, wait.” he tilted his head to the side. “y/n?”

you weren’t exactly sure what kind of answer to give, but you gave it your best to offer a faint smile. “yes.”

still— despite how other people were walking on the sidewalk and how vehicles passed by the road, the surrounding seemed to come to a stillness you didn’t ask for. denying and pushing away the feelings you’ve long ago tried to bury and made yourself believe that you’ve healed from only brought a new wave of pain. as if you were its child, sadness came to hug you.

just in time, the bus arrived as if to save you from further drowning in emotions you didn’t wish to engulf you in. to your surprise, serim also boarded in. while you chose to sit somewhere just nearby the driver, he went to the last row.

usually, your rides on the way home were the most relaxing ones. a time to just stare at the window and watch the night spread into the city. it will always be accustomed by jungmo asking you on and on about how your day went and also sharing about how his day went. but your brother wasn’t around for that kind of support right now. and you can’t blame him for it. you can’t blame anyone for this unexpected meeting with the person you never knew you’d ever meet again.

the ride was sickeningly slow, all you wished was to get home and allow your voice to echo in your room. to release the emptiness if it was even possible to empty something that was already vacant. the sky held no comfort. its color dissipated and all that was left was an empty canvas that like a broken record, played memories. it was silly how despite those quick memories popping in and out of your mind, questions still managed to penetrate.

serim was living in another city, why did he ride the same bus? was he to meet his new lover? maybe to meet an old friend?

or did he perhaps mean to meet you? this was a guess you despised. the hope it brought that maybe an answer for all the questions formed that night were to be given tasted bitter in your mouth and offered restlessness in the heart.

an urge to talk to him surfaced, but then you asked yourself why. why would you want to talk to him? for what?

despite being curious about the reason why he left that night, a certain fear crawled onto your senses. the fear of knowing.

what could knowing his reasons possibly bring you?

the time when the two of you loved each other wasn’t of the best timing. two newly graduates seeking career growth, wanting nothing but to achieve various goals. those were dreams drawn with the other person placed as a part of it. however, during the process of achieving those, that same person where the aspiration was rooted gradually disappeared from the mind. the path the two of you promised to take together came at crossroads and you ended up taking something different from what he preferred to go to.

at first, there was a powerful yearning that made the two of you grow more fond of each other. but it was slowly replaced by numbness towards it, making love such a foreign word.

you understood. but it wasn’t something you had fully accepted.

a familiar shed came to flash on the window, your stop nearing. and when the vehicle finally came to a halt, you gave serim a final glance. he was looking at you, not moving from his seat. dismissing the contact, you walked down the bus and began tracing the sidewalk with heavy steps.

disappointment curled into your stomach when you arrived near your house, realizing that the recurring questions will not be answered. however, fate played its game. anxiousness arose when once again you heard your name wrapped around serim’s voice.

you turned to look at him, his lips hesitant to let go of a word.

serim was also in deep thoughts, mind all over the place despite how he already had the resolution to talk to you, not to explain and justify himself, but to apologize for the damage done.

“i’m sorry for that night,” serim began, the initial words already clinging into his chest, weighing down. “i should’ve been more honest with you and trusted you more with my struggles.”

there was nothing serim wanted but to prove himself worthy of you. achieve things that could make you be proud of him and deem him as someone who deserves you. working up to late hours, diving into designs in order to perfect his craft. the thing was, he forgot that you already loved him even when he was simply that serim. that you loved him as park serim.

blinded by the goal, the mean diminished. as he was too caught up with it, he was no longer striding towards it for you, but for himself.

“it was selfish of me to decide for something we both should be deciding for. i left that night thinking it was better that way without even considering how you will feel,” serim continued, his voice weakening. he lifted his hand as if to hold you, but stopped midway. it fell to his side as he breathed in. “i’m sorry. i’m really sorry.”

“i was hurt, but you were probably hurt as well.” the way those words left your lips ever so calmly surprised you. “it wasn’t the most pleasant experience, but i hope we both learned from it.” a smile became evident on your visage. “promise me one thing serim, do not make the same mistake with your future lover.”

“i will not,” serim replied.

both of you never really imagined the end of your relationship and as the page of it was torn years ago, an ending was deemed impossible to earn. closing a book would never be that easy, but some stories were meant to end— yours included.

“also, this is for you.” serim handed you the paper bag he was holding. “i told you years ago that i’ll make you a better dress, and here it is. i figured that i wouldn’t be able to keep the promise laced on the ring i gave you before but i at least want to have one of my promises kept.”

you looked at the item for a moment before turning to serim once again. “thank you.”

“i also want you to know that i truly loved you.”

never at once did you doubt serim’s love for you. the thing about it is that people will grow and know love from a better perspective. know how to best keep it. know how to best show it. but it will not change the fact that back then, you felt that it was love.

serim had a single flaw and that was to hold everything to himself to the point that those created a wide gap between the two of you. the distance far enough that reaching his hand became impossible despite how you wanted to hold him.

and maybe during that time, parting was the best solution. and up to this point, it was too.

“it’s nice seeing you again, serim.”

“likewise, y/n.” a genuine smile crossed his lips. “goodbye?”

“goodbye.”

tonight, you gave him a piece of your heart. it was his, to begin with. whatever he was to do with it— keep it, throw it, crush it— it was a decision for him to make. keeping something that shouldn’t be there would only bring further destruction, it’s way better to have an empty spot in your heart rather than keep a damaged one.

the breeze embraced you. the goodbyes uttered were to serve as a beginning. there were new questions that formed and you knew there were tears that were yet to be spilled. but it was a start. opening a buried wound would never be pleasant, but it was way better to open it yourself than have it bare you.

staring at the newly planted hyacinth in the neighboring flower bed, you let go of a sigh. they will bloom in the spring. and you hoped that you would experience the same.

[slavicafire]

third night in the house

the update to this post.

third night was yesterday but I needed time to fully understand what happened, try to separate emotions and exhaustion from what I might have actually experienced. I haven't got a minute of normal sleep, and given tonight is a full moon, I'll suffer even more insomnia. pray for me.

I went back for the final night, this time will full intent on sleeping through it - I have found that my dreams seem to serve as the best gate and means of contact, especially after being awake for too long. and even if not dreams, I seem to be able to focus more when I'm in between being awake and asleep.

friend and fiance said that they should sleep downstairs, and I should sleep upstairs alone, given that it seems to be the shittiest there. Cezar, surprisingly, was the calmest he has been. friends said they feel much better too. I was exhausted and nauseous all the time but generally curious.

curious more than cautious, as all of you probably know by now.

I went to bed earlier than I usually do, after a small ritual and preparing myself. watched youtube for some time, then set my phone aside and tried to fall asleep.

I fell asleep for a moment, that's for sure. I don't think I had any dreams but I woke up even more tired than before. I got overwhelmed by the most intense feeling of being unwanted, I almost wanted to apologise for being there (which is not like me, frankly). the room was unpleasantly hot and the air again did not move at all.

I heard a knock on the door next to the bedroom and I decided to just take my phone and record the sleepwalking asshole to show them that I'm not just trying to sell them a spooky story.

of course no one was outside, even though I exited my room while the second knock's sound was still in the air. I hear wind but the air isn't moving, however the corridor is colder than my room. now, it's all completely dark and I don't want to turn any lights on, instead I reach out with my hand and speak.

now the rest of what I've done I'll leave out, it's my personal method of reaching out to things and beings.

wind sound again, I feel unwanted, there's a presence, something moved past me and in the direction of my room. I turn around and speak louder because, well, I will not be ignored.

then I feel a tug on my neck, on the leather strap I wear my lunula on. felt like an impatient act, more annoyance and throwing a fit than actually imposing anger.

a moment later, after I'm done with what I had planned to do, I go back to bed. once I'm falling asleep there's creaks and unintelligible whisper-like sounds. I'm pretty sure something is in the room. something makes a sound, like slightly nudging something on the table or shelf. moving things around by an inch or less, like a teasing cat.

I fell asleep, had no dreams whatsoever but woke up every half an hour or so. something didn't want me to sleep. air was still and hot and I couldn't open the window, it's one of the old ones (two layers) and I guess rusty and old enough that I didn't have the strength to open it.

morning comes, my friends are delighted because sleeping downstairs apparently was the best decision ever and they got so much rest it made them instantly less worried about the strange happenings. and said that they just got some fire going in the fireplace and it was warm enough, didn't have to go to the basement to fully take care of heating. the dog was content too.

I'm annoyed. not only I got no sleep but I'm no closer to figuring it all out than I was before. I did not understand any sounds, I did not get a direct response. something is playing with me, but it's not playful, it's malicious. bored, nasty.

I feel uneasy and uncomfortable and I'm really tired, and I'm even more annoyed that my friends seem overjoyed.

I told them I didn't actually do anything (even a proper cleansing yet) but they think I'm just being humble.

also, thank you so much whomever or whatever tugged at my necklace, there's literally nothing sharp on it (neither lunula nor the leather) but I got a bitch ass scratch on my neck that will just keep on annoying me.

I'm unsure what to do next. I will not try to banish it before I know what it is. I prioritise contact over safety. don't ever think it's a good idea, be smarter than my stubborn ass.

personal matters are forcing me to stay home for now but my friends are supposed to keep me updated.

[jedi-bird]

Long post ahead, ye've been warned...

My mother in law unintentionally tried to kill me tonight. It wasn't personal, but her forgetfulness keeps causing me problems.

She decided to burn incense today. My husband has asked her before not to use this particular one--he hates the smell, as well as the the amount of smoke it creates (she closes up the house before lighting it; I'm honestly surprised the smoke alarm has never gone off, but knowing her the batteries are probably dead). This is the second time this week that's she's done it. The last time, it was also a fairly warm day so all the windows were open and while it made me cough a little, it wasn't too bad.

Today though, you could see it when you walked it.

I have asthma. And apparently I'm might also be allergic to whatever was used for this (whether it's the wood or the resin, I have no idea). After less than five minutes, I was coughing so hard that I started choking. "Oh, do you not like this one?" "No," I said, "I have asthma. Smoke and strong scents make it worse."

"Oh! I didn't know. But this is all natural!"

I love this woman. I really do. I'd protect her with my life. But fuck man, she's had to drive me to urgent care before because I couldn't breathe and my inhaler wasn't helping. She's even had to pick me up from work during the fire season when our health services would make me go home. "Would you rather I burn something else?" Please no, let's not make it worse.

I had to tell her that I won't be coming back over on the days she's used it. I can't take the chance. I feel bad, because I like spending time with her, but she needs to respect my health as well. My husband wanted me to go to urgent care tonight, but seeing as I have no money left in my account and his is close to empty, I told him no. "Besides, the smell is in my clothes. Going and getting a nebulizer treatment won't help much if I'm stuck having to smell it all the way home." I told him I just wanted to go take a shower and use my inhaler. If that didn't help, we could go then.

If he had told my I was turning purple, I probably would have just gone. I've been home for an hour now, showered, bagged up all our clothes to wash later, and used my inhaler (hooray for no sleep). I currently look my like a strawberry, but I guess that's an improvement. And I'm no longer coughing up a lung, but it definitely hurts to breathe. I can taste it in my throat, which worries me since it's making my a little bit nauseous.

Here's to hoping that I can actually do something tomorrow, since I had a full day already planned out. And I think I'll let him go visit her tomorrow alone.

[pbandjesse]

I wanted to start this post about an hour ago but I finish watching hereditary and I was so horrified that I had to take a break and watch a couple videos. I mean they were videos about hereditary so it's not like I did much to fix the situation but stop. I'll come back and talk about the movie later in the post.

Today in general has been rough. I'm very tired. Working all week teaching and then doing 3 days in a row at ships is not going to be able to work in the future. I can do overnights but 3 solid 8 hour days after the emotional struggle of teaching, is just way too much for me. Today was very hard. There were good parts. But I feel very tired and I don't know how I'm going to make it through tomorrow. If I felt like I could get away with it I would ask James to switch with me. But honestly the whole day is going to be really really tough. And even though he's doing the lunch shift I don't think it's going to make much of a difference for me.

I slept okay. But I felt pretty terrible when I got up. I let myself stay in bed for an extra couple minutes and got dressed and made breakfast. Pack my lunch. I'm headed out. I got downtown and the river rank is almost finished being put together. I found out that it's $10 per skate but they have a season pass for $150. That might be worth it for me. Since my skating classes last year were just about that and only once a week. So if I get 250 as long as I go 15 times over the season it pays for itself. I'm not making a decision yet but I might be able to work at my budget depending on how long the season is. So I'm waiting to hear back from the email I sent to find out. But that would be really nice for me. Because I could go in the morning before I have to go teach and I would really really love that.

Work was okay. It was just exhausting and I felt very done. But me and Frank open the building. And I made my charge. He said I did a good job and I even gave him attempt on folding the tin foil. I started the day at the desk and mostly played online. Read the news. James came at 10:30 and got me a donut. It was pretty chilly outside and I had brought my wool coat out of storage this morning to wear. I felt very Shippy. And it was an okay day. I always liked working with James.

I was in charge of doing the firing today. And I wasn't not looking forward to it because I do want to be fully qualified on it. But as I was getting ready I realized we only had one primer. Was. We're supposed to have 4 firings this weekend. And if my firing didn't go well the first time we were out of luck. We only had the one chance. And of course I had the most people I've ever had in a crowd watching me. But between my ramming and Frank priming it over and over again. We had a good firing. And I felt very proud of myself at the end of it. Especially because it was right on time at noon.

I had lunch and watched videos. I still felt too tired and really just wanted to go home. But I tried to make the best of it. Having lunch helped. I'll talk to some really nice gifts and was able to share some of my knowledge and stories about constellation. And that was enjoyable. I was going to the desk for a while. And then me and James are outside together. And soon enough it was the end of the day. I felt bad that we didn't have a second firing because a couple people had wanted to see it but hopefully that gets dealt with. I'm not pleased that I'm going to be there tomorrow and have to find out what's going to happen about it. I really really wish I didn't have to be there.

I had been spending basically half the day contacting Marcus from access the elementary school about picking up the cat. And I gave him James's number so they could communicate. I sort of wish I had gone to James's house so that I could help get the cat in the carrier and give Marcus some tips. These Marcus didn't end up getting to him until almost 8. And I totally could have gone over there then done that. But what's done is done and I'm glad the cat is in his new home and I really hope he drives with him. He seems like a really sweet cat even though he needs his nails trimmed.

I had dinner and I did laundry. And while my clothes are in the dryer I took a bath. And put my movie on. Hereditary was one of the roughest movies I have ever watched. Like it's beautifully shot and the story was compelling and the characters were well developed. I felt every emotion that they were going through. Enough that was in the first 15 minutes I thought I was going to throw up because of something that happened to the characters and I cried. In a horror movie I cried at the emotions that these characters were feeling. It was way too long. And the ending was outrageous. I would not watch it again but I do want to read more about it and explore some of the themes. Because some of the parts of the movie were wonderful. But I would not sit down and watch the entire 2 hour 5 minute movie again. It was just way too much for me. And I have seen some shit. Like really bad shit and this movie really upset me. But I'm glad I watched it. Because I don't know it felt like I proved something to myself about being able to focus again. So it was nice to be able to watch an entire movie. After it was finished I called James because I couldn't text him my feelings about this movie. I just had a lot I had to say out loud. But I'm glad that we got to talk for a few minutes.

I finished putting away my laundry and I checked the mail. Just sent me a package with the cutest little squishy dinosaur. So now I'm for sure getting a clear backpack to keep all of my cute charm plushies in. But really I still feel nauseous and it's daylight savings so I'm getting an extra hour of sleep so I don't feel so bad staying up to watch videos for a pallet cleanser. I'm going to go wash my face and have a snack and continue to cuddle with sweet pea who has been so affectionate tonight. He keeps trying to push his face into my nose. Wish me luck getting through tomorrow because it's going to be a lot for me. I hope you all sleep well tonight. Good night