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#still need to write an end note anyway
johnslittlespoon · 14 days
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it's almost time. when? idk, when i stop being a coward LOL
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lucky-fy · 17 days
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For the Laicion nation (aka, me and three other people)
I had this illustration commissioned (a big thank you to @lunehowls) for my werewolf AU Laicion fic (still a WIP).
The general pitch is as follows :
AU in which Laios never got to meet his sister again, putting his life on a whole other path, a more desperate one. A military deserter with barely a coin to his name, Laios hitches a ride on a boat to one of the elven continents, where he learns about magical tattoos that binds one’s soul to a wolf’s, effectively making them artificial werewolves. Illegal magic be damned, this feels like the answer to… everything.
In the process, he learns about the existence of an illegal fighting ring in one of the elven cities, where beastmen gladiators gather. Freshly tattooed and without anywhere else to go to, Laios decides to head there, where he meets Lycion, an elf and artificial werewolf gladiator. If they first bond over a simple shared meal, by spending time together (sharing the same room in the barracks, maybe the same bed? gasp) they find that they have a lot in common, notably a shared distaste for the body they were born in, a dysphoria partially remedied by becoming a werewolf.
They bond :)
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ash-and-starlight · 2 months
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you’ve probably gotten a lot of asks like this, but I just haven’t seen any posted. what are your feelings on the remake, if you are watching it? more specifically, what do you think was the biggest problem with it?
i rlly havent actually! i think it's bc im really trying to Pretend I Do Not See It. rn i'm fighting TOOTH AND NAIL against the temptation to hatewatch because i do not need that in my life lmao.
the thing i cannot get over with is how Cheap it looks, it rlly smells of poor rushed workers to me, despite the astronomical budget that went into it. 15 MIL!!??? same as the late seasons of game of thrones!! now i'm not saying GoT is a pinnacle of virtue but it featured: a really good burn scar make up that took up half a character's face, a really good Notorious white hair wig with intricate hairstyles, really good costumes and heavy winter furs, really good location and fantasy beasts cgi and ummmmmmm from what i've seen of natla well. it had nothing of the sort. it's just bad gary it's uglyy
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ereborne · 4 months
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Song of the Day: January 11
"It's Still Rock and Roll to Me" by Billy Joel
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sarah-sandwich-writes · 3 months
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HOLD ON WAIT UP HOLD THE PHONE
I KNOW I WAS GONE FOR A FEW MONTHS THERE BUT HAS BLUE LIKE DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME ALWAYS BEEN A PART OF A SERIES OR IS THAT A NEW DEVELOPMENT???
I FEEL LIKE ITS CHRISTMAS ALL OVER AGAIN FUCK Y E A H
Okay so
I...
have been cooking
by which I mean illusions of grandeur and
schemes
And I have not been forthcoming lol Everyone kind of disappeared all at the same time so I kind of stopped talking about what I'm doing but I have been biding my time, quietly putting mechanisms into motion and plotting and occasionally cackling over my cauldron.
I finished the first draft of Blue like don't forget about me and didn't like it so I cut out all the sci-fi fantasy stuff (bye bye aliens farewell superpowers) and in November wrote a new first draft that's all contemporary romance babeee and I'm so in love with it I'm turning it into a little 3-part (possibly 4 if I can't control myself) series.
The original childhood years have been split off into a prequel novella called Red like my bleeding heart in your hand. Then Blue like don't forget about me will take place 20 years later. Nash works at Cherished Hope Nursing Home
“And what is it you do? At the nursing home, I mean.” I wipe shit off of old people. And Teddy’s a hockey player. What’s Luke, an underwear model? He shouldn’t have come.
Teddy comes back to town for a funeral and
Teddy looks at him for the first time in twenty years and every ounce of warmth leaves his expression. Message received. He should not have come.
OKAY SO AND THEN the next book will be Jo's POV and is called Violet like these delights. and MAYBE there will be a 4th from Luke's POV bc he gets to live this time by the grace of god (me) but it'll depend on how Violet goes (its current state is mostly vibes and a single overarching theme so, stand by).
Red needs a clean-up round of edits to snip out the few little threads that connected it to OG blue. And rewritten blue is basically done. I've done the major revisions and am about to start line edits and after those are done I'm sending it out to beta readers (lmk if you're interested).
There are concise actual summaries in my pinned post btw lol
WHICH REMINDS ME
The series title is Wildflowers of Deliverance. Which I'm extremely proud of. Did you notice did you notice how each title incorporates a wildflower did you did you? and the town they grew up in where Nash and Teddy first met is called Deliverance!!! It's okay I know I'm a genius.
And this brings us to the meal okay? because like I said I've been Cooking™ quietly but steadily for a few months now. ANd what have I been cooking? PLOTS and PLANS
I've decided on a pen name: Sarah B. Elisa
I've created a(nother) side blog for it that will be exclusively centered on my og writing and geared more toward readers rather than writers like this blog is: @sarahbe-writing
I'm going to create a website (as soon as I convince myself to spend money)
and a newsletter (as soon as I convince myself to spend money and do work)
I'm still waffling between trad publishing and DIY. I really like all my hats and it would be a shame to have to share them but oh my god I don't want to do all the marketing but trad pub seems hit or miss on how well they market you so I might get half of my hats taken away and still have to do the marketing bullshit UGH
anyway
OH YEAH and the OG draft I wrote for Blue? I'm going to spin it back to its OG OG roots [parkner, naturally--Return of The childhood friends to estranged almost lovers to super-powered rivals to reluctant allies to friends to lovers finally wip!!! AKA: We Were Gods (we were kids)] and that will fix all the things that went wrong and I didn't like 😌 so it's basically like double Christmas I think
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cytryndor · 11 months
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now that i've everyone's attention, can we talk about how the fallen king of broadway is one of the most... interesting thing ever?? like, oscar jaffee, oliver putnam, max bialystock?? they're all bastards in their own way, but they also have that kind of magnetic aura around themselves that makes them addictive for those around them?? can we please talk about this??
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I genuinely do love the prison arc and find it fascinating and I wish it was easier to find content and analysis about it that didn't veer to any of the Very Not Fun extremes
#my observation is that only people who enjoy both c!tommy and c!dream are capable of writing prison arc c!q#if they only like c!dream then q gets turned into a heartless hollow monster who exists only to wring out angst#if they only like c!tommy then the torture is either barely acknowledged or gets turned into a haha funny girlboss move#both of you are boring. where are the LAYERS.#and c!sam. guy has such a compelling fall from a well-intentioned and tender-hearted dude to somebody who will kill and torture so easily#i think it's very possible to acknowledge that both of them parallel c!dream by design without. like. drawing direct equations?#parallel lines don't intersect after all.#and acknowledging that c!dream is the victim of something incredibly unjust doesn't mean absolving his past injustices#it's just... the more time goes by the more weary i am of the ''who's worse than who'' competitive brand of analysis#i'm so much more interested in how these characters got to where they are. how they justify themselves. and how they will go forward.#and how everybody around them reacts! vibrations in the web and all of that. how does it affect people and what message do they take?#still holding out hope for c!sapnap to hear about the torture from c!q#let's see how much weight those making-amends letters really hold#and for c!sam to have a talk with c!tubbo. maybe muster up an apology. process what he did so he can move forward.#and for us to see literally anything about how c!dream is coping with whatever the fuck all of that was#my guy. my dude. WHY would you do that. there is nothing in the world that is worth it#he's hurt too many others and been hurt too badly himself. he needs the ends to be worth it but nothing ever will be.#they're all three slightly different flavors of horrible and they're all just so fucking tragic#anyway i think i've ranted long enough in these notes#i just needed to get this out somewhere#dsmp
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anguis-sapphire · 8 months
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mmmph you can tell if negative feelings are persistent if the song you always jam out to is not helping with them
I was distracted by Several Happenings in the process of making this post but i'm still saying screw it and posting it
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sparkly-skies · 1 year
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@mondscheinprinzessin "#<< and that's just where they're gonna stay forever#to the tune of jatp's unsaid emily | that's the soundtrack to your mind fics? what kinda sad stuff do you got up there?😭 (in which I mean, please share)"
I'm just gonna anwer that on this blog.
I wasn't thinking of anything in particular, I just thought "ah yes, the fanfic ideas in my mind, that's where they'll stay forever probably because I put off trying to write constantly", and then had that line with the melody in my mind and couldn't remember where it was from until I googled it. Have some Unsaid Emily for the crying of it:
youtube
Anyway, I still went through my notes doc and I can share some sad ideas if you want 😌
The main thing is still the "put Olli in a Dirndl and let him get harassed which then brings up a past incident he thought 'wasn't that bad' but he's still angry about it" vent fic one; I've told you plenty about that already I think, although I think I've maybe strayed a bit too far from what I originally wanted to write with that. Maybe I'll have to circle back to--- actually nevermind, I got confused and looked at my notes again and it does work like that, I just forgot part of why I wanted to put him in a dress in the first place. It works like that, please continue (me @ my brain). I'm still not sure how to get the comfort in there, sorry.
this one's hurt AND comfort, you could read it! I saw this prompt: - "Um, I know this might sound weird... but can you help me dye my hair? It would make me feel better." - "It's not weird at all. What colour?" and I don't have too specific ideas about it yet, but maybe something about Aleksi feeling torn about having "left" his solo career to join a band that's so different from what he did so far and thinking that maybe it would help if he tried to look more like he "belongs" there, so he asks someone for help dying his hair black the first time.
I think we also already talked about that one, or was that with someone else? - "I don't ever want to feel like I did that day again." Either someone (Olli? Tommi?) running into his shitty ex and telling his now-boyfriend they don't want to feel like they did in that relationship ever again; or a day one of them almost gave up on their music career because it was really hard and a shitty day came at the end of a shitty month and it seemed like they'd never make it anyway; or somewith with regards to past suicidal feelings and finally opening up to his friends about it.
Did you ever listen to Santa Cruz' Breathe? I did and it almost made me cry. It hits SO hard, like wth, losing friends and wondering how things would be if something would have been different? just rip my heart out, that would hurt less 😭
Hey, this is not necessarily a sad one! I wrote down "We're safe inside this Pandora's Box", which I've also had down to try to draw something for for ages now (in fact I think it was the first thing I wrote down for BC), and I have no idea for it at all, I just thought it could be a good title for a fic about how they (the band as a whole or a pairing of friends or a couple) are safe and happy with each other, they are each other's boxes to be safe inside and they'll be fine as long as they are there with each other.
and then there's also the one we've already talked about with Joonas or Olli going to visit his parents and immediately being treated like a child again in regards to... just about everything. Btw, the last line of the notes for that is "So many possibilities. Anyone hurt someone, please, thanks😊 - Laura"
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orcelito · 1 year
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posted chapter 4 of Sentido
now with the tag of "Plants Shenanigans". i think im very funny for that
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aquarianlights · 1 year
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✨️ I just kind of want to die rn. ✨️
#im srs tho#i feel fucking terrible#im still coming down from anesthesia and im so fatigued and tired#if it were not for echo i would take an overdose rn and be done with it#except for the fact i am horribly scared of respiratory depression#suffocating is one of my worst fears so...#i just really want to get a gun#ik my girlfriend has lots of guns#im not legally allowed to have a gun and idk how to find them on the black market#but since my gf has them... ive been thinking about it... thinking about waiting until we live together and waiting until echo passes#and then I'd have no issues just... taking one... it's not like I'd be keeping it or using more than one bullet#im sure she would forgive me and id write a note anyways#notes* rather... addressing multiple people personally with her being one of them. id apologize for using her gun but where else would i#get one? she is the only person ik who has guns coz her family is a hunting family.#oh well....that's been on my mind ever since i found out she has guns and also really wants us to live together. i always thought if one#were in the house with me that it would be so easy to use when i feel like this and just get it over with#instead i hesitate because i dont have the right methods... and i end up feeling okay or better later. only to come back to suicidal later#so a gun would be best i think... that way i can take care of it in the moment and get it over with. i just need a gun to do it.#unfortunately my girlfriend is the only one ik who has them so... it's gonna have to be hers#that's a long way off though. echo is only 9 years old and his breed lives into the 16-18 years old phase. i wont leave until echo is gone#depression#sad#sadness#suicidal#suicide#crying#pain#upset#personal#depressed
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ok the vibe is: I’m just a silly little guy in a dreadful little world. time to go back to my roots (*eats croutons straight from the bag*)
#sneaky niki#it’s update time on yours truly#lamb loose liveblogging#I’m using that tag in case anyone reading my current fic needs to know where I’m at#I did rest a little bit. thank you for asking#no. unfortunately my hand seems to be getting worse. I still need to take a shirt on of notes for my IRL stuff tho#*SHITTON of notes (y u censor me text-predictive keyboard??)#so I’m trying to pace myself a little#but I did write something for the fic!#yay me :D#turns out my circadian rhythm is fucked anyway. so I still wake up at 5am every morning no matter what#they will scoop me off the floor one of these days#in the meantime.............. I’m like. I’m 200k words in as I check the draft for the entire project and#fellas is it gay to hyperfocus on two trash idiots so much you end up writing 200k words for them??#in like....... 5 months??#on the bright side. I’ll meet a friend this weekend after 4 months apart :D#I’ve self-isolated so much that I don’t know how I’ll manage. but I’ll be in a bookstore for the first time in 4 months! can u believe it??#still. city scary. full of women I won’t be able to stare in the eyes. I’m easily affected.#also so many dogs I will never have the courage to ask if I can pet#anyway regarding the fic#I’m trying to map out ch18 now#all I can say is: SDY u cvnt. absolute trash of a man. I will avenge you#also backscratchers and a man walking on a roof are somewhat involved??#let’s hope I can plan this out the right way before word-vomiting all over it#so. that being said. I hope anyone reading is having a good time#if not I still hope you can get some comfort from your pets or plants or projects#or people. yea. those too. (notice how effortless that was. very much a people’s person me. obviously)#Niki out ~<3
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hipipi · 1 month
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#personal#i'm so miserable#Broke my 7 year sh streak#I want to die so bad#I wish I could want to live#Everyday for months ive felt physically choked#I'll delete later maybe I just need to vent a little bit#Refusing to believe I'm at rock bottom because I just can't fathom returning to the same place I was at when I was 18#I had nothing to live for at that point and I was so fucked up#But I'm better now! Everything I wanted to do I've done!#I don't feel as useless and alone anymore#So why am I still here being violent with myself#I write rants to put on my Instagram and delete them#Bc I realized they were serving as suicide notes and final remarks to the people I've met#So extremely bitter#The answer to the earlier question is probably just to end the constant pain#I can't do it anymore#How many times have I said that#And then I do it anyways#And then I end up here all relapsed and fucked up#Negative#I kind of just feel like 90% of the time things have gotten “better” I've actually just been manic#Making and saying irrational stuff#It's funny though because I don't think I've ever set out deliberately hurt someone#I definitely have hurt people by accident and I try so hard to be on guard to avoid that#And I think that's part of the reason I turn to hurting myself instead#But I just find it funny how other people set out to deliberately hurt me for small petty reasons#And then feel terrible after so they come saying sorry but blaming it on their mental health that they've never even researched or looked at#Before they used it as an excuse#I'm out of tags but yeah like I'm suffering and constantly declawing myself for everyone around me but I have to grin and bear it
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godhasforsnakenme · 3 months
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BOOK REVIEW 📖
Last year I kept track of the series & films I watched; this year I've decided to keep track of whatever books I read! So this one is for the month of January – I'll share these sometime after the month is over, or if I read more than one book during the month, I will do their reviews as soon as I finish the book :)
#ben picks up reading again#dania rambles about shit#should note that this is not spoiler free (don't give much context but still)#i would read it again just to catch all the parallels and symbolism#chose to read this on libby bc of the option to highlight and keep notes in one spot bc jfc I would've annotated tf out of a physical copy#doing this completely from my phone and made my own little template because I couldn't find any good ones for free#what else ummmm oh right this is like a basic answer/question and I ramble off topic but still within some type of margin#read that fanfic I recommend really since I feel like it's better written aka maybe I just like it more bc it has a happy ending#and it includes all the same problems that the characters of the original book went through (for the most part)#anyway 4/5 stars and not 5 bc like I got tired of clare's pov bc it felt like there was no different between#the varying ages we get once we reach her at like 12 and up#henry also affected this bc like he's likable but so stupid and shouldve studied paradoxes or something to solve his problems#again rambling it needs a fix it but blah blah not really their suffering is a main point of the book :)#yeah so structured like a traditional one but I focus on not so traditional aspects bc I have a way of analyzing things#as if I have an essay to write on it lmaooooo#these are handwritten bc I like to keep track in case it worsens due to my cubital tunnel affected wrist#(im a righty; lefty on the other hand has carpal tunnel but that only affects when I do hand on projects like pottery or painting)#I'm giving free trivia/lore about myself here lol
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angelltheninth · 15 days
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Dating a Yandere Bandboy
Pairing: Male!Yandere Bandboy x Fem!Reader
Tags: nsfw, smut, gaslighting, yandere behavior, concerts, kissing, love songs, backstage make out sessions, jealousy, marks, scratching, fingering, sex toys in public, masturbation
A/N: Never been with a bandboy but I know they're pupular.
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Yandere!Bandboy writes every song for you. Runs the lyrics by you before performance to get your approval. At least so he says but he's already decided that he's gonna sing this song for you, but he asks anyway because he wants your approval early.
Yandere!Bandboy gives you his band shirt after as soon as they're done making them. You have to be the one to wear it first. Insists that you wear it to every concert, you look better in it than any fangirl that attends.
Yandere!Bandboy calls you late at night to tell you song ideas he's come up with while thinking of you. You've always been his inspiration, when he lacks it he only needs to take you out on a date and he's writing again. And you wouldn't want his band to run out of songs now.
Yandere!Bandboy needs you to give him a good luck kiss before every performance. It often turns into a lot more than a kiss with you ending up on the couch and his hips grinding against you between your legs. He can't go on the stage with a tent in his pants, he needs this, needs you.
Yandere!Bandboy wears long shirts that hide the scratch marks you leave on his back. His naked body is only for you. Every other fangirl can have their wet dreams about him but he assures you that you are and will always be the only girl in his life.
Yandere!Bandboy hates it when he sees posters of other bands in your room. You're not cheating on him are you, listening other men's voices before bed, or while you're masturbating? Only his voice right? It's the only one that gets you off.
Yandere!Bandboy makes you look at those other posters while he fucks you, bounces you up and down on his cock with your pussy on display. He would, and will do this for real if you keep looking at other bands. He's not above fucking you in front of them, making them see where there place is while he puts you in your place.
Yandere!Bandboy insists that you wear a toy while attending his band practices. You have to sit perfectly still on that couch, pretending like your pussy isn't making a mess of it because of the vibrator that's activated and controlled by his voice. Can't even get up from your seat because if you do his bandmates would see the wet stain on it.
Yandere!Bandboy fingers you in the back of the tour bus his friends rented. Under the soft blankets, away from view while he casually talks with his friends. His hands, his fingers are important to him so he needs to practice with them always.
Yandere!Bandboy always looks at you while singing, he needs to make sure you know every song, every word, every note is played for you. Doesn't see the crowd, the cheers, only you and your dazzling eyes. You are all that matters, his sole reason for performing.
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saetoru · 6 months
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✩ ‧₊˚ ✩ my life with you (that’s way over now)
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synopsis. some people get drunk calls from their exes, maybe even flowers with hand written apologies. you get a knock on your front door with two random kids and a murder case
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length. 3.0k words (once more it was supposed to be short)
contents. exes to lovers, ex boyfriend! suguru, gn! reader, slightly deviated from canon (he doesn’t kill the entire village + doesn’t defect), slightly a fix-it fic, blood, murder, child abuse + neglect (canon events with suguru and the twins), angst to slight fluff with hopeful ending (pretty much happy tbh), mentions of family + kids, suguru pretty much being a broke and depressed lil guy lollll
notes. idk what this is but it was written for me i just wanted to write it so here. take it and look away
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right before you graduate, you and suguru break up. you don’t want to, but he insists it’s only fair—he can hardly be there for you the way you need him to be, he says. something’s changed in him, it has since that day last year. but still—you don’t want to break up.
so you argue, he stays firm, you cry, he doesn’t change his mind, you break up, he leaves, and the world momentarily collapses.
it’s the way things work, you suppose. they don’t quite always go the way you planned. you graduate not long after that, leaving him behind to throw yourself into work while you toe into the baby steps of adulthood. real adulthood—the jujutsu world has a way of thrusting you into that faster than normal, anyway.
by the time it’s late summer, you get your first apartment. it’s a rundown place—the bathroom tiles look dirty no matter how much you scrub, the walls haven’t been repainted in what seems like decades, and the thermostat never works properly to feel like what the temperature indicates.
but it’s yours—you leave jujutsu high fresh into the real world, paying your taxes and buying your groceries all while you exorcise curses for a living. barely an adult, barely getting by, barely alive as you get up each day and live.
and then suguru comes knocking on your door half past midnight.
“hey,” he says nonchalantly, like there’s nothing wrong with standing there—but you know him better than that. you can hear that detachment in his voice as he stares between your eyes, but not quite in them.
“you—” you start, staring at him incredulously before you decide to give up. there are no surprises with suguru, not anymore you suppose. you don’t really know him anymore. “suguru, it’s midnight,” you sigh—and that’s when you see them: two small children that can’t be much older than five.
bruises are clear as day on their arms, even while standing in the darkness outside. there’s also the slight swollen curve of their eyes, and you can’t help but notice how they’re practically skin and bone. children who have probably not yet even lived for five winters, and you almost wonder if they’ve been through more than you have in you’re entire lifetime.
suguru clears his throat before you can stare at them any longer.
“this is nanako,” he gestures at the blonde, “and this is mimiko.” the brunette one seems more shy, curls behind his leg further as her name is uttered.
you don’t know what to say, so you settle for smiling—you’re not sure if it comes out too genuine, but you try. it’s all you can offer, really.
“hello,” you hum for a moment. and then you turn back to suguru, “it’s midnight.”
“i know.”
“you should be at school grounds.”
“i know.”
“suguru,” you sigh, eyeing the blood stained on his cheek. you don’t like where this is heading. there’s a sick feeling twisting in your gut, bubbling, bubbling, bubbling.
bile. you can taste it. something’s not right.
“where did you find these kids?”
“on a mission,” he says simply, “village heads were keepin’ em locked in a cage like animals. can you believe it?”
again, that casual tone. it almost as easy as humming your favorite tune, as smooth as your skin on freshly washed sheets, as quiet as the first day of snow when the world is still. but something about it is hollow—something’s not right.
“why’d you bring them here? instead of school? shoko should look at them—”
“i told them they’d be safe here.”
they’d be safe anywhere, you think. as long as suguru’s there too. as long they’re under his watchful gaze, nothing could hope to beat down on their youth like it already has their whole lives. but you don’t say that—something tells you he won’t believe you.
maybe not right now.
you don’t look at him. you can’t. something’s not right, but there are children present. so you throw on your best smile and open the door wider, offering them to come in.
your apartment is small, just one bedroom and one bath. there’s hardly enough food for yourself for tonight, you still have to go grocery shopping this week. the missions were lined up back to back to back—but that’s just life as a sorcerer, you suppose. most days you hardly have the energy to eat more than a few apple slices when you return home anyway.
you wave your hand at your place dramatically as you say, “come on in, ladies. your humble abode awaits.”
they giggle slightly at that—it’s the first time suguru hears them laugh. you have that effect, he knew you would. it’s why he brings them here and not there. and…well, there’s a more complicated issue at hand. but that’s for later.
right now…well, for right now, he lets you guide them to the bathroom.
“you have money on you right?” you ask. he blinks, staring at you for a moment before slowly shaking his head.
“spent the last of it on cigarettes this morning.”
great, you think, before sighing and trudging over to grab your wallet as you press a few crisp bills of cash in his hands.
“here.”
“what’s this for?” he raises a brow.
“go buy them clothes,” you look at him like he’s stupid. he might be, in all honesty. just a little. “i’m not putting them back in…those once they’re all cleaned.”
“wha—i’ve never shopped for children before,” he gapes, “and i don’t know what size they are, or—”
“figure it out, suguru,” you say tiredly. it’s half past midnight—by now, you’d be passed out from your mission. he seems to take the hint. “and bring some snacks too. should be enough.”
“fine,” he grumbles—and then he’s walking out the door.
for a second, it feels familiar watching him leave. but then you decide not to dwell on it—there are much more important matters at hand.
you turn to the two girls before crouching in front of them with a gentle smile, “who’s ready for bubbles?”
——————
nanako and mimiko have never had a bubble bath before. you decide to let them taste the first tendrils of youth by splashing in your tiny bathtub while you find suguru for some much needed answers.
he sits on your couch, shirt wrinkled and hair falling loose and blood still staining his cheek as he hunches over his legs, elbows resting on his thighs as he thinks. and thinks. and thinks and thinks and thinks.
you wonder about what—what could be plaguing his mind? a lot you’re sure, but this isn’t suguru. not the one you know, at least.
the one you knew, the voice in your mind hisses—do you really even know him at all anymore?
“so,” you sit on the opposite side of the sofa, curling your legs under yourself as you eye him from the side, “care to explain?”
“i killed them,” he mutters. you go still. “the village heads. i did it without hesitating. that’s bad, right?”
“well fuck, suguru,” you breathe, restless, “that’s certainly not good.”
“i had a reason,” he argues, “all i needed was one.”
“there’s nothing that excuses murder—”
“oh, but we can excuse locking kids in cages, is that right? why? cause they’re sorcerers? they’re not—they’re children.”
“i didn’t say that,” you rub your forehead. this is all too much. too, too much.
being a sorcerer is too much. being in front of suguru is too much.
you finish your third year with a broken heart and graduate in spring—at one point you’d hoped graduating wouldn’t change anything between you and your friends, between you and the boy you loved. everything would be the same, even if you’d leave the place that held you all together—you’d still find a way back to each other, you liked to think. but then it all changes before you can even comprehend.
haibara is dead. nanami is hardly coping. gojo is everywhere but here. shoko is in high demand. suguru is hardly present even when he’s right in front of you. nothing is the same and you don’t think it ever will be. you lose the one thing you count on being yours forever, and now, he’s right here again. but not really here—not with you so much as near you.
suguru has killed people, sitting on your couch with you while the two children he finds are bathing happily in your bathtub.
there’s some irony in that—maybe in a perfect world, suguru and you would sit on the couch, much happier than right now, though. maybe you’d be tucked under his arm and curled into his side as you both chuckle at the happy squeals in the distance. maybe in a perfect world.
but this world is cruel. too cruel, in fact. it forces children to grow up too fast during some times and lets adults continue to be children during others. it’s sickening and all too much.
but this is the world you live in. there’s not much to change in that—not much you can change. maybe sitting on the couch with suguru is what you should be grateful for, whether it’s in this world or another.
“i came here because it’s safe,” he mumbles, quieter this time, “i don’t…i didn’t trust anywhere else.”
something tells you he’s not talking about the kids. you look at him for the first time that night—really look at him. you take in the lost weight, the sunken cheekbones and the bruised under eyes from the lack of sleep. the cracked lips from being chapped and the dry hair that’s lost its normal shine.
something’s not right—you won’t be able to mend it, but you think you can keep it from getting worse.
“it is safe here,” you murmur, nodding in assurance, “but you can’t…i can’t let you do that. not again.”
“what? kill people?” he snorts in dry amusement. it’s quiet for a bit—you open your mouth a few times like you want to say something, but nothing ever comes. he finally decides to fill the silence. “i don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong anymore. people shouldn’t kill. but some people shouldn’t live.”
“i think jujutsu is supposed to save people. not everyone will deserve it, but i suppose we wouldn’t be much better than them if we used it for anything other than that,” you whisper. he looks over at you at that, peers at you deep in thought as he contemplates your words.
“that’s funny,” he chuckles, “i used to think that too.”
“what changed?”
“everything.”
“then change it some more,” you shrug, “until you think it again.” he looks at you incredulously at that, eyeing you like you’re crazy.
“you’re an idiot,” he scoffs.
“says the killer,” you scoff back. you look at him this time, in the eyes and full of conviction, full of promises you couldn’t make before but fully intend to keep now. “don’t kill anyone else and i’ll help you. with those kids, i mean.”
“you want to co parent with me?” he chuckles.
co parent—the word makes your stomach twist. even after all this time, after all the hurt and pain, suguru is easy to imagine that with. he’s easy to imagine anything in the future with, really. he’s always been perfect like that, but you’re starting to realize there’s a lot more imperfections to him than you initially thought.
but it’s okay, you think. if you didn’t stop loving him before, you certainly don’t stop now. blood on his hands or not, he’s yours—even if he doesn’t want to be.
“don’t say it like that,” you murmur softly, hugging your arms around yourself, “please.”
you let yourself be vulnerable for just a moment—not because you want to, but because he needs to know. he needs to know how unfair he’s being and how patient you are with him despite it all. you deserve that much.
“sorry,” he mutters—he has the decency to look away and drop his smile.
“you don’t kill anyone, and i’ll look for a bigger place. deal?”
“for us…all?”
“yes. just until you figure it out, i’ll help you out with them. and then you’ll responsibly use your paycheck as a full time special grade sorcerer and maybe send a few checks my way to say thanks to my good will.”
he chuckles at that, shaking his head. “i’ll repay you,” he hums, tapping his foot. he does that when he’s nervous, you still remember—you could never forget anything about him. “i…i owe you, anyway.”
it’s quiet some more. you don’t know what to say, and quite frankly, you don’t want to say anything at all. but once more, he fills the silence for you after a while.
“what if…” he starts, “what if i want to co parent with you?”
“you dumped me,” you point out, unable to hide the bitterness any longer. it cracks from your tongue through your words like honey that went dry. “remember that? cause i sure remember.”
you’re an adult now, just barely, but an adult all the same. you should handle this the mature way—but you’re still young. still hurt. still blanketed in the fresh wave of nostalgia that leaves you aching with grief.
so you let yourself be bitter. suguru can handle that much after he left you to pick up your shattered pieces.
“i didn’t want to,” he says quietly. “i never wanted to.”
“but you did.”
“i didn’t…you didn’t deserve to see me unstable.”
“you’re not very stable right now either,” you pinch your nose tiredly, “you killed people, suguru. but somehow you can manage to have two kids now. but not me.”
“they need me,” he defends.
“i needed you too,” your voice cracks.
you did. you needed him—and you like to think he needed you too. maybe it wasn’t perfect, nothing ever is, especially not when you fight curses and see their ugliness every day. but that’s the best part of having each other—having something pretty amidst the hideousness.
he left you with more ugly than you knew what to do with. it’s unfair, you think for a moment, unfair that two girls who hardly know him at all have more of him than you ever did. he’d never abandon them—that much you know for sure.
you’ve laughed with him, held him and wiped his tears and kissed him under the moon until it became the sun. you’ve seen him with his hair down and his guard lowered. you’ve seen him in every way possible but in the end, he walked away.
they’ve seen him for less than a day and somehow, he’ll be there forever. there’s something unfair about that and you hate that you’re bitter with children but the world in cruel like that.
suguru slowly inches over—it’s cautious at first, and then he fills the gap all at once. you pretend you don’t feel the way your thighs touch.
“i need you too,” he admits, voice small. there’s a small, shaky crack that eats away at your heart, trying to gnaw into the raw part. the easy to reach part. the part you shouldn’t let him see anymore. “i…i always needed you. i’m sorry.”
“we were supposed to need each other,” you sniffle.
“we do,” he slowly slumps his head onto your shoulder. you let him stay there—don’t dare move a muscle in case he pulls away. “you’re the only thing that keeps me stable. i don’t think that’s fair.”
“needing someone isn’t unfair, suguru,” you scoff.
“okay,” he grabs your hand, squeezing. for the first time, he lets it all go. lets tears slowly slip from the corners of his eyes as he slumps into your side. he cries for riko. for kuroi. for satoru and the time he lost him for a moment. for their youth. for haibara. for not being enough even when he shouldn’t have had to be. somewhere amidst all that, your arms wrap around him and he’s pulled into your chest—that familiar feeling of your fingers threading into his hair makes the world start spinning again. “i need you,” he chokes.
“okay,” you say shakily, nodding slowly as you let yourself hope, “as long as you don’t stop this time.”
he buries his face into your chest, and you kiss the crown of his head.
cruelty is an unstoppable force. your love for suguru is an immovable object. neither is going anywhere, but perhaps they can coexist.
“satoru’s gonna have a massive headache when he explains this one to the higher ups,” you snort after a while.
he laughs into your shirt, real for the first time in a long time. “i’ll buy him something sweet. should make up for it,” he hums. and then he looks up, smiles innocently as he asks, “wanna lend me some cash? i’ll pay you back when i’m a responsible handler of money.”
“you’re hopeless,” you chuckle, “but at least you’re here.”
————— BONUS —————
“okay,” satoru starts, holding his hands up in surrender as he stands before the higher ups. damn old geezers, he thinks. “so he did kill a person or two…but—”
“there is no excuse,” a voice hisses.
“he didn’t mean it,” he huffs indignantly, “it was an accident. those can happen sometimes.”
“what—”
“he’s going through a phase, okay? let him work through it, he’ll be fine.”
“that’s not—”
“i’ll let him off the hook this time,” satoru grins, pushing his glasses up his nose as he shrugs, “he’s got a family now, y’know? kids and a spouse, and they’re looking for a home. can’t take that away from them.”
“he’s not even married—”
“it’ll happen eventually,” he insists, “so let’s all just calm down, yeah? great, thanks!”
“gojo—”
“see ya!”
he walks out, flashing an obnoxious peace sign at the higher ups as they hiss at him to return as he’s walking out. that takes care of that, he thinks, as long as suguru doesn’t make his life harder and kill more people, he can handle it—you did promise him kikufuku if he does.
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satoru is babygirl defender no. 1 ain’t nobody doing it like my guy 🤞🏽 he would be loyal to you while you were in jail no doubts
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