#but i try to be better at this even if im not as good irl but i have time to respond to things online so theres no excuse
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looks from side to side........... are pregnancy jokes ok yet
#there's alt text in case atlas's text is hard to read. need to get better abt that anyways. this isnt going on the art blog btw#to complete my running gag of ''the overthinker vs the one who doesnt give a fuck''#atlas's text here may or may not be... kinda reflective of me irl trying to be like ''would it be more sensible if i didnt have castor carr#asha or would it be better if i just said they did surrogacy or something''#like i thought i would get ravaged for having a transmasc dad character get pregnant. even if he didnt do it onscreen at all#and now im like ''ok whatever idc trans people are denied reproductive rights irl and i dont feel like debating fake ppl abt this''#like. afab trans ppl get pregnant irl it happens and i think refusing to acknowledge that in fiction does more harm than good#and i am saying this as an afab trans person who doesnt want to have a child#atlas and castor are very much on the same page btw atlas just wants to make sure. think thats another thing#atlas#castor#starfall tag#oc tag
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My brain has gone back and forth on between which anime if arma or new is my favorite. Cause even with all its issues Arma means a lot to me, it’s the reason I got into getter and helped me through one of the worst times of my life- But then new is objectively better written and it drives me nuts compared to arma it’s not talked about ENOUGH despite all the stuff you can poke at from it’s plot and I’m trying to pinpoint that reason since the general consensus is “no one hates new and it gets a lot of fanart in the Japanese community yet it’s never deeply acknowledged so it feels unpopular”
So my standpoint is “do I keep investing into the popular iteration despite its issues or do I invested into the less flawed unpopular iteration when it comes to introducing getter to new people?” cause man as much as I’m a critical person of media I still can forgive some messy writing if I have a good time with it and can clearly tell the staff had fun making it, which is definitely armas case. (Though they absolutely had fun with new too)
#meg text#getter robo#this general philosophy I have is why im not harshly critical on SVN next to “I think it fulfills it’s purpose”#and a few other mechas I’ve seen but not gonna tag because I don’t wanna put them in their tag when this is just getter#I was tempted to make a post asking about what people don’t find appealing about new but it be on twit and blegh#I’d ask it here and if anyone has input feel FREE to put but my following is way to small to generate the feedback I want#but on Twitter people are dumb and I’m not taking the “new has bad animation” take any longer bc it’s cherry picked#next to “we all know this is better animation then arc LOL” even if that whole debate as stupid#but past that point I’m trying to understand what people don’t like to find new unappealing when it’s flaws aren’t turn offs#like Musashibo not having a proper character arc and the villains not being consistent is a big one but doesn’t make the show bad#especially because there’s still good from those issues being Musashibo still a fun character and the villains don’t ruin the pacing#you could maybe make the argument new starts off slow but also all of the introduction episodes are engaging??#there’s not a single thing about new-let alone getter when it’s paced right-that feels sluggish#Also for a 13 ep show picking up in the middle makes the MOST sense in comparison to a longer ep series#the middle is when shit hits the fan tbh#im gonna be at war until I hear someone’s in depth opinion but I just WANNA figure out what turns off people from new#cause when I also watched it in a group I had irls drop out of it midway through but I could chalk it up to they weren’t huge on mecha#Even if I argue new is the PERFECT mecha show to recommend to someone who’s skeptical of the genre but I digress
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being easily influenced is definitely a curse and a blessing i swear lmao
#no because whenever i meet someone knew i will start to talk like them same if im watching a tv show#and if i really like someone's personality or little healthy habits i will start doing them like for example i know this one girl and she#always goes extra on note taking and ever since i was like 'omg shes so organized and good at taking notes' i have been 100x more organized#and better at taking i wasent even trying?? it just happend subconsciously lmao#but this can also be bad in the sense that i can and will also pick up on peoples toxic mannerisms#and ik everyone does this to an extent but with me its with everyone i know online or irl😭😭😭
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next person to ask me if im okay is getting hit with a truck i swear to god
#like no i am not okay in the slightest and things are deeply & horribly wrong but im not telling YOU that#and people irl keep trying 2 push me into having Emotional Moments with them and it's so fucking annoying#like damn sorry i don't wanna have a humiliating breakdown in front of you??? i wouldn't do that in front of anyone??? ever???#and when i tell them im all good they INSIST that something HAS to be wrong w me- but ive been worse. where were they when i was worse.#and at the end of the day it's not like i want their help and it's not like i want to get better anyway & if there's one thing i know#it's that you can't help a bitch that doesn't wanna get better#and the apology thing too??? god don't even get me started#like i need to apologize to everyone cuz im a fucking annoying piece of shit and i Know that i just don't know how to Fix It#but i can't apologize cuz apologies are annoying too#god. sorry im just
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recent ffxiv livetweeting. spoilers through the end of arr patch quests btw.
#ffxivposting#suicide mention#I GUESS. SORRY#made this account 90% so i could livepost this game better.#moving off my priv twitter to here bc literally only my irl has access and i know he doesnt gaf. i love u bro<3#and im actually going to die going thru this alone to be honest chat. help#just gave my wol a haircut btw :) working on a new fit also hehehe. she's my favorite.#she doesnt have a name because i put a stupid ass placeholder name because i started playing with my Real Life Family. but shes so cutiepie#keep taking screenshots whenever she looks cute in a cutscene which is often. lovely#btw. im aware t.hancred isnt a gayboy. he's a womanizer. which is kind of a gay thing to be. also stuff did happen to him in arr#and he gets pouty about it sometimes which is funny. rip to this guy. but youknow. lol#like if you think about it it's like man that really blows for you huh? but i cant get a good gauge on how much HE thinks about it. hes too#busy w/ his scorned lovers et cetera. as things go.#where im at now is uh. let me check the msq quest list. somewhere around lvl51 msq. chat i miss flying So Bad i am so slow.#by the way i do know the race names. for the record. that guy is a gay ass Elezen(tm).#also im not trying to bully u.rianger(?spelt like that right?) he's nice. his voice IS funny though.#i have not skipped any of this story. even the parts that sucked total ass and shit. my working knowledge is. Okay.#the patch quests were sooooo rough at the start but at least near the end they started ramping up and i got dragged in.#got to yell at npcs bc they were pissing me off so bad near the end there. quite a fun time.#also starting hw story stuff is really funny when youve been playing drg. like hey! i know you!#also ive been saying his name as 'estinen' the whole time wdym it's 'e.stinien'. i hope he never takes off that helmet btw#anyway. i cannot fucking draw my wol. at all. need to get better refpics later i guess.#speaking of. i am not googling any of these guys to draw them because i dont feel like getting spoiled.#yet another L im taking.my stupid baka life. as they say.#you cant hold anything im saying against me here it's almost midnight. fuck i have class tmrw. what ever#ANYWAY. all that to say. i need to talk to someone abt this shit to be honest.#shrug.
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why do ppl you barely know or interact with at all think you give a huge fuck about interacting with them?
#yeah bitch i saw you. no i didnt give a fuck. who even are you sdhjfhvgsdvghfsd#we have no interacted enough for me to like. care? about talking to you or noticing you any further than 'ive interacted w that person#before'. but the way you rushed out was funny. nice to know i have that much power 😌#kind of tells me everything i need to know and all that shit about totally not interacting w that one friend group is probably bs#you probably rushed out of there to go talk to them about how you saw me#and yall like to believe lies bc you need to shit on me bc its the only way you can feel an ounce bit better about living a shitty life#and being oppressed. crabs in a bucket type behavior over here.#the only difference is yall somehow for some goddamn unknown reason to me think you're superior to me meanwhile conservatives#throw us all in the same bucket of 'weird' so i really dont think it matters. like i really dont think your attempt to shit on me is going#to change very much of anyones opinion on you...? like ppl are gonna call you weird queer ppl anyways? welcome to the club losers?#anyways keep coping by trying to shit on me but its not gonna make your life better babe. go smoke somethin.#really wild you'd treat another trans person- someone you know irl no less- like a lolcow when yall have 0 legs to stand on like#who do yall think you are that you get to feel this superiority complex? im begging to know.#like idk if yall know this but while you're desperately clawing to feel better than me my conservative brother is lumping us all together#as crazy dumb easily manipulated trans people like i promise no amount of trying to appease cis people by trying to come off as one of#the Good and Normal trans people is going to work for you and also you'll be dumped in the trash as soon as that totally weirder#person is out of the picture. like when im gone you're gonna be the weird ones babe so.#maybe find a more productive use of your time. perhaps a hobby.#and then maybe some day yall can have made as much art as i have and have as big of a following as me too. k? 💖#which isnt like a whole lot but im sure as fuck more known than any of you....................................... . . . .
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hm
#sometimes i think about 'fb moms' and about how they bc they don't use the internet they don't worry about it either#they got too much shit to worry about with their irl life with like kids and working and all#and i find myself weirdly envious#being an artist has like an innate need for the internet public and therefore putting yourself and vulnerabilities on display#yknow. in public. where strangers can see and react to however they choose. and people on the internet tend to not be good at being social#bc they're on the internet and not making social connections irl. the vibe is so different#and honestly as much as id like to keep posting online and let myself just feel like a normal person#maybe the normalest thing is to stop posting#im out here relaying my mental health experience for catharsis and hoping i can help someone#but what authority do i have to do that. why should i keep trying#even if i stop drawing and just play video games or walk outside or garden. like my life still has value#im not suddenly worthless or something to feel ashamed about just bc i stopped drawing. or stopped posting my art#plenty of people don't draw and live happy lives regardless#did i ever imagine myself contemplating not being an artist anymore 10 years ago#probably not. but maybe it's for the better#maybe it's time i stopped trying to be something spectacular and i just start being normal#tootvibe
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sometimes i miss talking to that one person who didn't NEVER turned it into a competition about who has it worse and never told me well atleast you have [x]
#weirdly i think she was the only one#my irl bestie called and was ranting about her miserable life and#it's the exact same thing ive been going through for years her parents won't let her move to another city#she can't make friends here she hates it here her parents are being overbearing and don't understand the importance of socialising#with people her age and they tell her to just hang out with her family all day and don't give her privact#like. okay. i love her ive been listening to her complain about how her mom comes into her room sometimes. and just#i was okay listening to it okay im no judge for how someone's feeling and my bad might be their worst#but then she goes like well atleast you'll know you'll get to move out after you finish your degree for a job#like. wow okay. atleast you got to enjoy 3 years of college at the coolest city in india atleast you got to have vibrant life experiences#and learned so much about the world made tons of friends visited a hundred places had a boyfriend#went to clubs increased your netword learned how to be street smart and talk well#i hate to be resentful ofcoursr im happy for her and ofc i understand this is a hard time#but like god seriously. she'll never know what it feels like think you'll live your life as you pass 12th because they let your elder siste#go to college and she had the best times and then suddenly you're 17 and they twll you well actually we made a mistake and we won't repeat#it ever so you're just gonna stay home where we watch you 24/7 and ww won't even let you go to classes that have somewhat okayish people#because you can't have friends because they'll distract you from your studies#and she'll never know what it's like working towards a dream everyday that seems so fucking faw away and unreachable#when you're not even good at studying and especially focusing because yeah parents fucked you up majorly!!#like im sorry but try being completely hopeless and alone and isolated losing your friends one by one watching everyone#grow and find themselves as you rot in your room try to do better try to find happiness but it's impossible it's never enough#and try to study for a really fucking hard course in the middle of all that#and then tell me that atleast ill get to go out after i finish#like seriously try fucking living my life for one day and then talk#god i know ive become resentful and bitter because of a thing in my childhood but i don't know how to stop#ugh i never should've picked up the phone i was studying so well before that#anyway. i miss talking to that one person who was sensitive and sweet and encouraging always yk#i miss hearing i completely understand you because im going through the same things (def worse imo) and we'll get through this together#man.#chappell roan was so right actually i hate that i let this go on for so long now i hate myself
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save me save me i wanna be you save me i cant save myself cause i could never be you
ill keep waiting and pretend i could
#not doing well#ostensibly i will be applying for grad school before the end of this year#and like growing up and becoming an adult and stuff#yeah fucking right#i remember when my life was all about how much my childhood sucked and like. that was my everything#that was my great conflict#the main plot#and its like#its not like that doesnt still matter right#all of it still does#its part of why i cant seem to make irl friends#its part of why i think ill be alone for a long time even though i desperately crave the safety of a relationship#(nothing wrong there by the way that i think a relationship will save me)#(its always me waiting on someone else to save me)#andddd its why sex is so weird for me#and sure all of that still matters#but what really matters is that im gonna have to. move out. pay bills. make 'career choices'.#andddd thats really what lifes all about#trying not to become homeless#cause i cant just live with my mom forever#though god the fact that i could end up like that#thats almost worse#my mom deserves better#anyway yeah just thinking about like capitalism and the end of the world and stuff#honestly despite everything ive had it pretty good in my life ya know.#if i had any confidence whatsoever in my ability to decide where im gonna go in life and to actually accomplish that#then id probably be okay#just send me back a couple decades as the person i am with the experiences ive had and i might end up being like a cool old aunt or smth#aaanyway#i hope one day this world is better and its kinder
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guys i kind of love being graduated
#mine#nothing wrong with school i love learning and i always did well but god i just hated the time drain#and last summer when i had a (nearly) full time job and was putting in good work and getting paid relatively well#it made me realize how much time i was spending on school and how i was NOT GETTING PAID FOR ANY OF IT#and i was like -_- fuck this#so anyway it's just nice to not have to go to class and do homework and all that shit anymore#i actually have time in the day for hobbies and personal studies and goofing off and doing whatever#(alongside job apps)#which is nice :)#im starting to dig my claws in a little more with japanese im learning about pitch accent now :) even tho i never speak it lol#but im trying to set good habits for myself so when i DO get to speak it i can speak it better#i had a sudden burst of motivation yesterday i was thinking about how bad i wanna go to a bbhf concert and i was like man..!!#i was even googling how much it costs to go to japan lol it was actually cheaper than i thought it would be#maybe because of the yen usd exchange rate? like the flights were $$ but hotels and food and stuff sounded pretty inexpensive#maybe sometime next year if i'm lucky...hmm...i guess first step is getting a job so i can get more $ and benefits and vacation and stuff#i want to get my hysto next year too though...hmmm...maybe i could do both...#when i do visit japan i also want to go to nara (<- deer furry wants to see deer irl)#this is really off topic ok point is im having fun being in charge of my own time and my learning. :)
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Even just half-heartedly looking for work as someone who is legally blind, autistic, with no highschool diploma, GED, or degrees and who can't leave the house is a very specific kind of let-down and disappointment that just really makes a person depressed.
#irl#vent#suicidal ideation#i am a money sink and a financial burden and trying to look for ways to fix that turns up nothing!!!#society abandons those who cannot work!!! and i sure do seem to be unemployable!!!#like#i would need a work from home job that doesnt require a highschool diploma ged or a degree that i can do as someone who is legally blind#at the LEAST#even just being a cashier at pet smart requires a fucking highschool diploma!!! and i cant even do that sort of work anymore!!!#i dont have any fancy little talents or areas of expertise either!!! i cant code i suck at source work i cant do graphic design!!!#what am i supposed to do#can someone just like put me down like a sick animal or smth at this point#because i feel like all i amount to at this point is a burdensome and childish good for nothing waste of space#and an additional source of stress and disappointment for everyone who has ever cared about me or had hopes for my future#sincerely feel like everyone who knows me would be better off if i were dead#no one would have to take care of me then - theyd be free of any burden i put on them#hell considering how few people i talk to and how little o do talk to ones i DO talk to they probably wouldnt even notice i were gone#and once they did they probably wouldnt be upset for long at all if they would be upset to begin with#my partner would be free to find a smaller more affordable place to live or could even get a car and live in it as he thought of doing#before if i werent around being a little needy whiny bitch#seriously whats even the fucking point#im so tired of just...fucking everything.#i dont talk about it much but i really do just feel like shit all the fucking time man#and i feel so fucking powerless and like i have no control of my life too#should probably be in therapy still but i just know theyd force me into the psych ward again#not that talk therapy would do shit for me anyways tho#i dunno#im tired and sad and hopeless and i just wanna go to sleep and not wake up again#not that it matters or anything though lololol
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i think a lot of it is also people are just embarrassed to be wrong so they like to double down on things rather than apologize
#im not immune to this i hate being wrong and theres always that gut pull instinct of denial#its my family. no one ever likes to admit they could ever be in the wrong or maybe the issue is a bit complex so it always ends bad#but i try to be better at this even if im not as good irl but i have time to respond to things online so theres no excuse
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Hey Catie, I think I know those feelings you’re mad about so yeah, I agree, they suck! And not the good kind! Why isn’t there just some magical goat that could lick your palm and 💥 bam, no more icky sticky yucky feelings you don’t want? Because the Universe is out to get us 😫 that’s why 😒. But I guess eventually you learn to take things as they are and realise you really can only do so much and to just. Try and enjoy what you’re doing in the moment, with the people you’re with (or just yourself!). But mm… that’s only a hypothesis, unfortunately I don’t have any tried and tested methods. Still though, and I’m launching you a lotta love too 💞💨🔫
Thank you for such a kind message, I really appreciate. Sending you a lot of love too!!!!! I guess I've just been pretty lonely lately, yknow somewhat long holiday break leading into two meager weeks of class then into finals week, not really seeing anyone too much. I like being alone, but I also get way too into my head and all my negative emotions and actions are amplified to a bad degree.
But thank you again for the msg, you made me laugh with some of the things haha(not the good kind of suck, I'm crying!) I find it kinda hard to reach out to people, again insecurities, so I always feel super appreciative when I get an ask or DM or anything. Sitting here, twiddling my thumbs a lot these days ;;;; But I agree with you!!! You gotta try and keep yourself in the moment and enjoy things, and not languish. I think I just need to draw 24/7 bcs i don't really have conscious thought while doing so 😭😭
#in conclusion: please come talk to/harass me anytime you want danke danke#im lonely sob sob sob#me when i cant stop self isolating 😬#me when i remember humans do in fact need interaction and its killing me not to#also dw i do like. talk to irl people. parents and friend. occasionally#its just even more suffering when i suddenly have a lot of ideas and uh not many people to talk to#i think im seeing my friend this week so itll be good :) maybe ill feel better#it just sucks cause ive not seen her too often lately and im scared of things being stilted </3#i think i have a cold or something rn too. i feel physically bad as well 😭#catie is not living la vida loca :(#ah well maybe ill try and draw 007 au tonight. maybe that will settle me.#ig also just UGH rn cause i feel weirdly insecure again abt rambling#it hits me every once in a while. bad emotions as prev stated#i hate feeling itchy in my own skin yknow? but it bites at me sometimes#BUT THANK YOU ANON MWAH MWAH#lets hope i recover 🙏#unfortunately i get into a bad state every month for a couple weeks or less. its annoying but it will pass!#just very. condensed. rn. its manageable most of the time#but atm its just suffocating so yeah please pass soon :) let me not second guess everything thanks#catie.rambling.txt#catie.asks.
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i just need to accept our relationship as friends is p much gone too...
#its not the same#and she says its bc i dont even try anymore#but she doesnt either#i just really need to move on...#it was too good to be true#and the two friends i have irl are better friends#im just the 3rd part of the trio thats the unimportant one#👍🏻#i have no one friend wise
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OH MY FUCKING GOD I AM. very happy. my speech i had to give that i crammed on bcs i was really anxious about even just thinking it and i had to deliver it memorized and in front of the whole class for the first time in years? i only got. minus 1.25
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#i was really anxious uhh even like. now. a whole month after? egeshbgjh like damn what if i get a bunch of mistakes#but nah apparently i did really well !! proud of myself oh my god#i'm much better at speaking than i probably seem often irl. i'm just shy and anxious and need a proper environment#me at home i can talk with an incredibly loud voice for hours. unfortunately lune knows this very well LMFAO#my dad also has a loud voice but sometimes i even speak louder than him. so. yeah. really loud voice#i'm good at speaking aaa idk i keep putting myself down sometimes even if i am confident and i know what i can do!#anyways i also think i am more. less confused on course choices :] i want bs psych fr aaa i want to help people a lot in that regard#i'm going to look up more on it tho! compsci i'm good actually as a 2nd choice. i'm more feeling > thinking but i am a huge thinker lol#hashtag i love math LMFAO i just haven't been putting in as much effort but i do believe in myself! so. yeah#miss ty for the comments LOL i agree a lot. too much unnecessary movements. i always speak like that eee oops#i have my next speech uhh... next tues actually! also really anxious and stressed but less so. i'll just need to work on it asap and prepar#.75 minus for delivery makes sense! uhh .5 minus on content. i think i get it but i'll just keep it in mind as i make my next script#tbh i get so anxious too reciting during class but i have a lot to say usually and the teacher often says exactly the same idea or aka#i'm correct. so. raghhhhh i will recite more !!! almost end of the sy but it's never too late to improve. even if i recite wrong its still#added to my grades. so yeah. anyway uhh !! idk i love speaking a lot actually lol i'll try my best to be diligent productive etc#raghh i will do my best ... i am very smart ive just been slacking a bit since the pandemic bcs constant state of Tired. + anxiety#okay i don't really get the minus on content uhh is it bcs i didn't really have sources LMFAO it was a personal speech anyway but#im good at writing and good at speaking i will just do my best and uh. goodbye. not cramming#I ALSO EXERCISED TODAY. like. yeah. i should exercise a lot daily. also i did finger exercises hashtag guitarist era <3#my fingers and hands are already very flexible lol i'm double-jointed and always played w my hands even now! but i forgor warmups existed#the amount of mistakes i got for my speech really make sense lol i should really prepare more in advance! procrastination is my enemy
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i honestly deserved none of the shit ppl did to me that lead me to this point
#yall made a victim bitter and hate everyone. congratz ig. keep convincing yourself its somehow activism.#me saying a slur i shouldnt have in 2013/14 bc the ppl around me irl normalized it to me and that repelling people online from me?#understandable. everything else? yeah you can all fuck yourselves with a rake.#plus- that was literally 11/10 years the fuck ago. do you really genuinely believe in all of that time that im still fucking saying it#the only way you could believe that is if you thought I was some sort of secret strategic right winger whos planning ???? something#god the fuck knows what it would even be#if you think im somehow tainted bc of that past I think you might be a lil controlling of a person#im sorry no one is a pure person who never does wrong. get over yourself bc you sure as fuck arent perfect my good bitch#it was 11/10 years ago AND i was a fucking kid. yeah. i think im bound to make mistakes bc of the inherent ignorance of being a child.#i dont think that deserves to be held against me my entire life especially since I now heavily disagree with the reasoning for why#i thought it was ok to say in the fucking first place#yall just want an eternal punching bag and thats really it.#i could become a fucking saint and it wouldnt matter bc dur he said bad word 11 years ago worst thing anyone could do ever fer sure#yall are impossible to please and its why no one but the people you've guilted and manipulated gives a fuck about trying.#and even they eventually see it for the bullshit it is.#yall want someone to control and do everything you say. not for people to become better to others. you dont give a fuck#you auth piece of shit.#thats why i had to learn that slur was still bad to say offline. bc all the people online wanted to do was control my actions#tell ME what to do. tell ME what to draw. when they have no fucking right to TELL ME what to do. you can ask- im more receptive to being#asked to not do something. but any type of behavior control? good fucking luck. you think I failed highschool just bc of the bullying#n shit? nah its bc I dont like being ORDERED to do shit. and I never fucking will! and theres nothing anyone can fucking do to#make me do shit and if they try to force me to do shit they're controlling as fuck and authoritarian.#i have learned SO MUCH more on my own volition and desire to learn vs when I was TOLD that I HAD to.#all my life ive rebelled against this shit. you bet your ass im not about to stop with yall. ask me like im a fucking person#not TELL me to do something like im a fucking slave to your whims.#fuck you
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