#but idk. I don't like publishing stuff if I haven't pushed myself with it

[torchickentacos]

So, I'm working on listing all of my wips, and I realized something. A bunch of what I consider 'wips' are actually finished but I just want to rework them because I know I can do better but I'm starting to wonder if the reason I never finish anything is because my standards for my work are higher than I (or most people) can feasibly reach. huh. anyways

[directdogman]

Hey dogman, idk if you answered this

Who, out of both DSAF and Dialtown, was your favourite to write and/or create?

It's very hard for me to pick favourites with my characters because I don't tend to give characters a lot of screen-time unless I find a character interesting or fun to write. You've caught me in a talkative mood, so warning, there's an onslaught of text coming!

DSaF: Dave was the most fun to write for, as I remember it. I mean, the guy is the walking personification of chaos and even when he's being constructive (eg, rigging robots to do insane stuff), it's usually in a destructive capacity. Dave will do LITERALLY ANYTHING but contribute to society in meaningful/valuable ways.

In terms of what character-writing I was most 'proud' of, I was also pretty happy with Dr Henry Miller, as a villain. Namely the research he embarked on, described in his logs in DSaF 3 (which the fandom evidently agreed with, as I got really strong feedback on those logs.)

One issue a lot of people (including myself) have with canon William Afton is that he's this kind of mad scientist character but his research doesn't really seem to be... idk, going anywhere? Other than using remnant (soul nectar?) to make kids possess robots, it's kind of a mystery how he got to this point he did from running a bad fast food restaurant. William gets fleshed out motivations in TSE and even then, it mainly revolves around his relationship with Henry Emily, iirc. It's actually pretty accurate to how real serial killers think, imo, but there's a pretty wide berth between this kind of serial killer and becoming a sci-fi fast-food mad scientist... So, I decided to try to bridge that gap.

DSaF Henry's logs actually mention where the idea for his research came from, namely the fact that he existed in a world with normal scientific rules just like ours and seemingly discovered something supernatural, and he approaches it like an amoral scientist would - trying to figure out how to figure out more about the fabric of reality using the newly discovered phenomenon of possession. The 'joy of creation' phrase people pulled from Golden Freddy's phone call in FNaF 1 is given context - Henry is trying to find out what's on the other side (and eventually, how existence itself formed.)

There's other aspects to his character that make him more interesting too, like the implication that his research is partially an excuse for him to act on an underlying sadism (with scenes implying that he inflicts damage on others than can't be justified as assisting with his research.) His background as a dissident/quack laughing-stock scientist (thanks to pushing his soul theory in a best-selling book, which is considered pseudoscience) BEFORE he embarked on his journey to become a fast food tycoon also makes it less farfetch'd that he'd be capable of y'know, harvesting human souls intentionally to continue his research?

I had more for the character on paper that people haven't seen but some of it wasn't revealed due to it feeling a bit too disturbing to publish. None of the contents would've been all that controversial, more just too tonally disturbing when written about in detail (like a omitted part from his backstory/lore post where he managed to pick up a hazy audio of his wife + son's crying from the radio of the car his wife/son drowned in and reacted with genuine elation upon realizing he'd discovered a new scientific phenomenon (as this was the first time Henry witnessed soul-possession.)) Yeah.

I don't feel much of a need to revisit Henry as a character because as a series villain, he was pretty thoroughly-written and he did his job effectively... And his fate was well earned! (He even got an epilogue short-story a few years back, further cementing his fate!)

Dialtown: From the characters/writing that the fandom has seen? Tough to say. I genuinely really like every DT character. Gingi and Mayor Mingus are two of my favourite characters to write for because they're both really insistent and react to adversity in a really comically indignant way. Mingus is more like Gingi than she cares to admit in very specific ways, which is the core hypocrisy of her character - she's one of the most abnormal things IN Dialtown, and spends the game on a quest opposing abnormality that she, herself, can't stand.

Many absolute rulers have debilitating physical and/or mental cruxes and despite that, usually have the final say on what is/isn't okay, often guided by arbitrary preferences. It's funny to remember all of the ancient kings and emperors who dictated how others should act, talk and even think, when very many of them themselves were anything except a good reflection of their own subjects! It's an irony I quite enjoy and leads to a fun character to write for!

My favourite DT writing is probably some of my Callum Crown speech drafts. I have a definite bias here since Crown's character is based on many figures I've encountered in my own reading (and his story relates to topics I enjoy reading about.) A lot of that is real nerd shit that wouldn't be interesting to 99.9% of DT fans (like a long conversation where Crown + Milt discuss a campaign speech Milt wrote for Crown and they bicker about if the wording/arguments used are truly honest.) Again, not super relevant to Dialtown-proper, but it explains a lot about why the world of DT ended up the way it did.

Realistically, the story of Dialtown itself is basically a weird little epilogue to a story that ended decades upon decades ago, centered around a bunch of small-town nobodies circling around the carcass of the last surviving main character of the old story.

I'm also very happy with Gingi's character partially because I know more about Gingi's past/future than you guys do. Gingi has such rotten memory that Gingi's backstory before DT's story begins is basically a complete mystery. Thanks to Gingi never getting close enough to any humans before laying its eggs, there's nobody in Gingi's life that can fill in the gaps. Companionship means so much to Gingi because prior to meeting The Gang, Gingi is aware of a massive and unknown block of time that's a complete mystery precisely because Gingi had nobody in its life. To Gingi, this time was basically akin to being non-sentient or dead, and Gingi would never go back.

While I was making DSaF, I drafted a ton of other stories on paper. I considered making most of them, but decided not to for various reasons, despite getting some solid feedback from collaborators. Bits of almost all of those project ideas made it into DT, with Gingi having traits from several other main characters I prototyped years and years ago. This includes where Gingi came from and what exactly Gingi is. I don't want to mislead people into thinking Gingi is more important than it is, like Gingi is the key to unlocking DT lore (I promise there's a LOT of aimless scuttling/devouring in Gingi's past and relatively little else!) BUT: Of everything from those old scrapped projects, Gingi is what I decided deserved to survive the most. And that has to count for something.

One day I'd love to make sequels to DT and perhaps explore some of the stuff I've described above, like why the hell the world of DT is the way it is or maybe where the hell Gingi spawned from. Thanks

[crazybutgood]

20 fic writer questions~

I'm procrastinating and feverish and in pain, so I figured I'd distract myself and finally do this,, thanks for the tag lovelies @the-francakes (x) @lumosatnight (x) and @orange-peony (x)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

44 including origami, fics, a mixture of those (all mine and also collabs), and podfics

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

Noo this would be a bitch to calculate

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I used to write for the HP fandom

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

You Light Me Up

I Just Want You to Know (collab with @sugareey-makes-stuff)

Language of Love

[FIC & ART] Heart on Your Sleeve

Kuch Meetha Ho Jaaye

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try!! But I often fail. Reasons: Partially sometimes I get overwhelmed and/or am too shy and dk what to say, but mostly it's because I am so so incredibly burned out

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Damn,, idt I have one. I do HEAs! At least in fics, and so far

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

All are happy I think,, and omg how does one quantify and compare happiness?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not yet

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope! Like reading it, actually incapable of writing it

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I haven't! Idk if I will! There is one published novel one that I want to read tho omg ;-; ok sorry going off track

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I sure hope not :') But to my knowledge no

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yeah with Krissy! Linked in question 4. We didn't even know it was each other haha cos it was an anonymous epistolary exchange but ye it was fun

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Don't ask me that!! There's lots of ships to love, and idh the same ride or die (or any, tbh) feeling for my previously main one anymore. Goes to show that it just changes with time (maybe this current answer will too!)

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

SIKE I don't start things I know I won't finish (involves an elaborate planning procedure, ask @getawayfox ) and once I start them I push through it even if I have to drag myself crying (I'm insane I know)

16. What are your writing strengths?

I love writing dialogue, and some people have told me it's nice, so I shall go with that!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Ohh loads I reckon,, I'm going to stick to sharing run on sentences and can't write long plots. Cos I have to do lots of academic writing and copywriting, and that's going pretty steady, so idw to break that and spiral by thinking too much about this :') esp cos idh much time and energy to write fiction rn

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Yes if done right! Like you do things to make sure you don't throw off those who don't know that language and like make it part of the flow. And/Or footnotes! I've done dialogue in Hindi in my fics, and I've written an entire one in a script play format in Hindi too for @curlyy-hair-dont-care

19. First fandom you wrote for?

HP

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Listen :') I have mixed feelings about my writing, so I genuinely can't answer this

Tagging @andithiel @curlyy-hair-dont-care if you wanna do this, and anyone else who hasn't and wants to as well!!

[frogsandfries]

I feel like I have a lot to say, but also, I'm just tired.

I spent my whole shift picking at the first typewritten Darger notebook; I changed my pen color and tried to make blobs of color with the letters because I was just really tired. I didn't feel like fucking with his handwriting today, though I definitely tried. I think tomorrow, I might try to convert the fifteen-ish pages that I've transcribed and haven't felt like converting yet and then get all that text into the document. Maybe when I've got the first chapter put together like this, I can finally post it. Maybe I'll make an alt, like "The Darger Files" or "Darger_Proxy" idk.

I also made some covers out of his art, although, I only made eight covers and I know that will not be even remotely enough. I have a feeling, based on the word density of these typed pages, especially for volume four, one book is not going to be enough. I wouldn't really want to push something like a TPB much further than five hundred pages.

Again, not that it's going to be much of a typeset, but I am not only posting this on AO3, I'm also going to release my typeset on the Facebook group, as well as to Amazon and maybe B&N or whatever.

This project is not going to be quick. It's not going to be easy. The scans are not all nice and archival and professional. Like I keep saying, I don't know what condition the original books were in when they were captured as microfiche. Also, if someone comes after me and tries to sue me for publishing this to a PoD service, I'm going to fucking scream. I am putting in so much work on this. Work that, as far as I can tell, no one else has ever put in. At the very least, not to this extent. It's not even plagiarism; the box says it's Darger's stuff. I'm just doing the grunt work of converting it to a fully digital, accessible format.

As far as the diamond painting, I want to do something crazy, like pick random squares out of the whole canvas, but I'm worried about crushing the canvas by leaning on it. I did, however, give myself a couple more rows to mess with, and I think just to make it more fun and random, I'm going to do some extra squares and hold back on sharing them so I can shuffle them in later.

I kinda like doing this mystery canvas. It's definitely difficult without the colors of the squares to guide you, and it's also kind of fun and nerve-wracking to see the colors come together even though I'm 99% certain what I'm diamond painting already.

[phoenix-knight]

Rest?

ive been running on fumes since January. Uni's sucking my blood. i really pushed it this semester, but why do i feel like nothing actually went right? i did a hundred things while still feeling as if not one of them were done justice. I've been running no stop like a fucking wild ass race horse and it still seems like I have achieved nothing. today I used my parents as an excuse to get out of dance practice, and I still fucking feel guilty as if I haven't been busting my ass off for the dance contingent despite everything. i have powered through everything the dance contingent threw at me despite the breakdowns, and the bone deep tiredness and the absolute fucking idk fuck what else do I have to do for people I just don't get it for everything these people do, its like the criticism is there for every single time, as if people are not allowed to have a life outside of the dance contingent. and why the fuck is everything under the radar like just because others who live far don't leave early like me doesn't me my commitment to the contingent has in any way wavered. does being in a contingent mean that you're supposed to sacrifice your soul for it? does your integrity have to be questioned every fucking time. and fuck everytime I feel like I am being scrutinized I feel so fucking triggered I swear, the same thing again and again, having to prove that I am doing, being, enough and right. i don't know why I get so fucking defensive, maybe because I really fucking love dance and I don't want my contingent members to think that I do not contribute enough or care enough or do enough or sacrifice enough?? but how much is ever enough? i hate feeling scrutinized and feeling like I have to prove myself and justify my existence. despite their good intentions, their words bother me. because I did not want to be told that my contribution were not up to the mark, especially when I really fucking gave my all and struggled through it all. the mental breakdown on the bus returning is still vivid in my memory, struggling to manage my emotions, trying not to let people know that I am crying and gasping for breath. i don't know why I get insecure, maybe its because I really do fucking care a lot about dance, so I care about my perception as a dancer. i realize this has really been stressing me out. one thought keeps springing into my mind, that I don't want to come to hate dance, or the idea of dance, don't want to think of it as a burden, just because of my experiences within the contingent. apart from that, I am just so physically tired all the time, all my energy goes into last minute projects which were obviously half-assed in my delirious zombie state. too sleepy but not able to because of the deadlines over my head. flmk I pulled through on those research papers but they were not of the quality I wanted them to be. i wanted to submit them as research papers to journals later, but it didn't turn out that way. now I can't work on improving them anytime soon so that they have a chance of getting published. i don't know what I am doing. but somehow not doing anything is more torturous. doing "nothing" or "resting" doesn't feel like rest at all. no matter how many shows or anime I watch it all seems mind numbing and they all blur together. an endless stream of info and video I consume in order to take my mind off things. every hour i feel like i am missing out on something, some important work or pending stuff i am neglecting. that's why i feel like even if i rest I'm really not resting at all. the only time i am resting is when i sleep, apart from the fact that i get pretty weird dreams i am so tired feel like every minute is wasted because I didn't do something or finish some task. that I am half assign a hundred things instead doing a few things well. like I am missing something important, but I don't know what it is or where to start because there's always the next deadline or exam to focus on immediately I don't remember what my plan was to finish in advance this semester. i fear I will be left behind because I am burnt out like this

i fear i will be graded low and only enough to scrape through the sem instead of actually testing myself as I had planned to. to see how much I could score with some real effort. if I really could do this law thing, and whether I understand it. nothing has gone exactly according to plan mostly because of dance contingent practices, my burnout, exams, projects, quizzes, deadlines, performances and competitions. man. that is a LOT. i am surprised my head is still more or less above water. i may have to leave the contingent next sem because I cannot afford to compromise on my career just to show more commitment to the dance contingent I cannot be preoccupied and I wanna figure out which direction I am headed. i don't want to hate dance because of my tiredness through the dance contingent practices. i want to organize my studies better, but I am just so discouraged because of this feeling in my chest that nothing is going right, that I can't do anything right or I will not be more than these limitations of mine. my head's killing me with anxiety and rest time does not bring me any relief . idk

[hms-no-fun]

what was the most frustrating and/or fun part involved in formatting godfeels?

the first thing to know is that when i started gf1 i knew jack shit about html and css. i've always REALLY struggled with coding, but i forced myself to learn when faced with the horrible possibility of publishing a homestuck fic in all-black lucida. can you imagine??

i didn't do this on purpose, but as the series went along i always found a new thing that i wanted to try to test my own meager abilities as a novice code understander. it's funny, i very specifically remember writing these lines in gf1--

--and thinking, man, that's a really cool effect! breaking the grammar rules for emotional impact by having "leave" on its own line separated by line breaks like that is pretty much where the entire meta aspect of godfeels started, and you could even go so far as to say that this is the moment when the gf universe becomes metaphysically distinct from homestuck? idk if that's the best way to put it but looking back on it and even at the time, this moment always felt extremely important as a style choice with narrative implications.

formatting is a pain in the ass, but it gets less so every time i format a chapter. i've got a whole process now that i might go into at length sometime down the line (that'll be a long post though and probably won't have time for that in the immediate future), but i can tell you that my best friend is ctrl+f. the nice thing about homestuck's dialogue style is that you have these repeated consistent handles at the start of every line of dialogue. so you write a chapter and then you find and replace every instance of "Vriska:" with "<span class="vriska">Vriska:" and by god you're like 40% there!

uh. that is, if you keep your text color to the dialogue. which i... don't.

there's a lot of the process that's really tedious, but like, i play a lot of open world games. i kinda like tedium. i've got cut/paste bound to hotkeys so when i'm going through putting </span><br /> at the end of every line of dialogue i just put on some steely dan and hit f3 a bunch. hotkeys are also my best friend, they have saved me SO MUCH wrist strain (i think it was the Risk & Dare chapter that finally pushed me to learn what the fuck a hotkey is lmao).

the most ANNOYING formatting is always always always in the narration. when terezi's narration breaks and she just has a few letters showing through? yo that shit takes forever. then the way June, Risk, and Dare show who's fronting any given thought requires me to pay real close attention to the text as i'm going (i manually format my docs so that they look how they will when finished, it's really tough for me to feel the scene if it's not visually accurate)-- which wouldn't be a problem except i'm always in such a goddamned hurry that i start formatting immediately after deciding that a draft is ready to publish, which means i've probably been writing since dawn and now it's like 8pm and formatting will only take like an hour so i might as well just get it out of the way EXCEPT IT ALWAYS TAKES TWICE AS LONG because chapter 8 was a fucking BEHEAMOTH that damn near killed me

what's nice about having a team is that they can tell you "hey, maybe you should wait until tomorrow so you can do a finally quality check when you haven't been awake for 18 hours"

the most fun part of formatting is honestly just seeing the finished product. as much as godfeels is a work of prose fiction, it's always felt distinctly visual to me in a way that was heavily influenced by the likes of house of leaves and (closer to home) nellcromancer's revolution 23 years in the making. i spend a lot of time fine-tuning the amount of scrolling people have to do to get through any given chapter to make sure it's paced correctly, make sure it FEELS the way i want it to feel. a lot of times in the doc the more abstract formatting is stuff that i leave in brackets, like for instance the huge color scroll at the start of the ch8 epilogue.

that one was hypothetical and ready to be on the chopping block until like a day before i published the chapter. a lot of the formatting tricks i've done are built off of things i did before, right- so i did the linebreaks in the screenshot from gf1 above, and expanded that style choice exponentially with each chapter. i wanted to have a cut to black in one of the early parts of ch8 that zoe figured out from me, then i modified her code to allow for Epigone's ugly-ass green background when it takes over (something i didn't plan until i realized it was possible with tools i already had --see how that works?). so when i needed to signal symbolically a physical journey through the layers of each aspect of reality without explicitly revealing WHO was doing the journeying (i wanted you to presume it was "us" and that the "us" VV addressed until July left the scene was literally "us" and not Roxy & Callie), i felt like wrangling the css to do that would be a pain... but then i sat down and just sorta mapped it out?

and by god it just WORKED. that to me felt like a huge accomplishment, that i finally understood the tools i was working with enough to be able to plan it out in advance.

there's so many formatting moments like when Dare screams "YES!" at June, or in gf2.3 when June's completely shattered and drifting as Dare and Risk through her own consciousness with this fits and starts of unknowable perspective shifts, seeing them actually WORK on the page is unparalleled. there's always so much shit getting in the way of the words when it's not done, all those fucking squiggles (which i mostly turn off but sometimes they're helpful for spelling) and all the slight differences in how they process the shape and feel of different fonts, it's never until i see it on ao3 that it feels RIGHT to me. and that's the best part, always