#but if your problems lie elsewhere then dismissing your needs is the worst thing you can do for yourself

[temporal-arting]

the only way I’ve been able to slowly crawl out of my years-long depression is to see beauty in mundanity. I know it’s said over and over again and it’s so hard to see the world in this light because of the weight that chronic depression carries but I promise it gets easier with time. I see it when my cat wakes me up in the middle of the night to sleep on my chest. when a stranger is unexpectedly kind on a bad day at work. when something in a store reminds me of an old friend and it’s not painful to remember them anymore. when my mom sends me a photo of our family dog saying that she misses me. when my dad incorrectly uses emojis. when my roommate and I have long conversations that don’t feel long. when a friend looks at the menu for vegetarian options for me before choosing a place to eat. when I take the time to cook for myself despite me never thinking that I would ever be a person that has energy to cook. when I see the pond ducks roaming around my complex. when I read my middle school diaries and come to realize just how much pain I used to be in—and how silly and trivial the things I used to cry over are to me now. I swear with everything that it does get better.

[everybodyscupoftea]

the fight

pike jj x reader (ft. our fave duo cody and tyler)

it all comes to head with brooke, a story in four parts

hello all, this is it. the blowup. i hope that i’ve done it justice :)

You were ecstatic to say the least. JJ hadn’t hung out with the group alone in months, and with your friend-aversary coming up, he was finally going to be forced to. Cody texted you a countdown every morning and they never failed to make you laugh, especially the day of.

Today Maybank finally sheds the 120 pounds that’s been holding him back

With a snort, you finished packing your bag and left your dorm room to walk to the boys’ to meet them. The group had decided the best way to celebrate would be to feast like kings, and Cody found a really nice Italian restaurant in Charlotte, a little over two hours away, to do so.

Tyler was the only one ready when you knocked on the door, and when he opened it, Cody went sprinting past, tooth brush in his mouth, dress shirt unbuttoned. Your eyebrows shot up, “The fuck is going on?”

“Cody overslept,” Tyler answered, sounding exasperatedly fond.

Frowning in realization, you walked over to JJ’s room. He wasn’t there, so you asked, “Wait, where’s J?”

Cody walked over, tooth brush gone, and said mockingly, “He went to brunch with Brooke. He’s meeting us at the car.”

“God, couldn’t go one morning, huh?”

Making a face, Cody finished buttoning his shirt and sighed, “No he fucking can’t.”

Tyler laughed as he realized he’d fucked up the buttons and was one off, and you rolled your eyes, knocking Cody’s hands away to fix the buttons for him. He pouted like a child until you finished, and muttered, “Thanks mom.”

“Let’s just go to the car,” you told them both, pinching Cody’s cheek.

Cody yanked his face away from your hand, rubbing his cheek with a glare, “No.”

Tyler snorted and held his arm out for you, ‘’Alrighty then, the lady and I will see you tomorrow.”

After a few seconds of not backing down, Cody relented, “No, I don’t want to miss sleepover time.”

The three of you were talking and laughing loudly on the walk to the car, Cody carrying all the bags (he lost rock paper scissors) until you froze. Tyler jolted to a stop and looked concerned, “What’s up?”

“Why are there two people by your car?”

“What?” Cody asked, finally catching up.

“It’s not just JJ by the car.”

“He wouldn’t,” Cody tried to reassure, the uncertainty in his voice betraying his true thoughts.

He would.

Brooke smiled at the three of you as you walked up, looking you up and down appraisingly when the other two boys muttered out greetings. JJ was looking down at his phone and looked up with a grin, “Running late already, boys?”

“I highly doubt it was the boys,” Brooke answered, not taking her eyes off you.

Rolling your eyes, you opened the passenger door and climbed into Tyler’s car. Not fucking worth it. Cody gave her a fake smile and dismissed, “Alright, Brooke, thanks for dropping him off, but we’re going now.”

“I’m coming,” she told him, stepping around his frozen form to slide into the backseat next to JJ. Your hand stopped, mid-buckling yourself in, and your head whipped around.

“JJ, what the fuck?” you asked, “this is a friend group thing.”

He looked uncomfortably between you and Brooke, clearly not prepared to have to choose. The fact he even had to think about it fucking hurt.

“I mean,” he started, “Brooke hangs out with us too.”

“Plus, it’s our four-month anniversary,” Brooke told everyone even though no one asked.

“Yeah, we’ll it’s our one-year. And honey, you just haven’t been around that long,” Cody told her, condescending tone.

“It’s for the bros,” Tyler added.

“She’s not a bro,” Brooke pointed at you.

Tyler scoffed, “She is. JJ tell her.”

“I,” he looked trapped again, “she’s one of our best friends. Come on, Brooke, I told you if you were gonna come you’d have to play nice and participate.”

She sighed almost at the same time as you and you had to fight every instinct screaming for you to get out of the car and go back to your bed and sleep the rest of the day away. Tyler passed you the aux cord, remorseful look in his eye, and you smiled weakly. Cody squeezed your shoulder and whispered, “You good?”

“I’ll make it,” you whispered back as Tyler cranked up the car and started to back out. What you’d forgotten was that Brooke had never driven in a car with Tyler, and had no clue that he drove like a bat out of hell.

She gasped loudly at his first sharp turn and you snorted, not even trying to hide it. Tyler grinned over at you and winked as he took another sharp turn to merge onto the interstate. One glance back showed Brooke clutching onto JJ’s hand as Tyler cut someone off in his merge.

Cody was facing away from them, grinning widely out the window, and you settled into your seat to pick a playlist. You hit shuffle on one and as Still Woozy started playing, Cody leaned forward, “Bro, is this the clique?”

“Yeah,” you laughed, “did you add this one?”

He nodded, smiling, as JJ asked, “Wait, the clique?”

“We have a collab playlist called the clique,” Tyler told him, “for when we go on car rides and stuff.”

Brooke scoffed, “That’s stupid, just take turns like adults.”

Your throat tightened, the collab playlist having been your idea, and Tyler narrowed his eyes at her in the rearview, “Pipe down back there, intruder.”

Cody snorted, still looking out the window, and you felt a little better. Tyler reached across and squeezed your hand in comfort. Brooke hummed, “So are you two together, then?”

“What?” you asked, “No.”

“Just a question, no need to get so defensive. Why not though?”

Blinking a few times, you asked again, “What?”

“Well, there must be something wrong with you if all you hang out with is dudes and none of them will date you.”

Your jaw dropped and Tyler flipped on his blinker, swerving off the next exit. He pulled into a gas station and threw the car into park before turning to look at her, “Watch your fucking mouth, you’re here, uninvited, and I’m not sure exactly what the fuck your problem is with her, but you stay the fuck out of our business.”

Cody smiled bitterly, “In case we hadn’t made it abundantly clear, you aren’t welcome here, be grateful we haven’t left you on the side of the road yet.”

“Hey,” JJ tried to intervene, but no one listened as Tyler pulled back onto the road to get back on the interstate.

The rest of the ride was relatively silent, thankfully, Tyler and you talking a bit since you were navigating. When he pulled into the restaurant parking lot, you were so ready to be out and away from the tension. Cody wrapped an arm around your shoulders, “Still good?”

“As good as I can be.”

He sighed, “Yeah, fuck her. Let’s go eat our body weight in pasta.”

Cracking a smile, you let his arm fall off your shoulders and followed the rest of the group inside, lightly holding onto the cuff of his sleeve. Tyler was the first one you saw at the hostess stand, arms crossed with a frown firmly etched on his face.

“What’s wrong?” you asked, as you and Cody joined the group.

“We reserved a table for four,” Tyler explained, “but now we have five, so we have no table.”

You sent Brooke a fake smile, “I’m sure we can roll the car windows down for you so you don’t get too hot.”

Her jaw dropped and Cody gave you a very discrete fist bump. JJ cleared his throat and shook his head at you. It was whatever, out of all the shit he’d let her say about you slide, yours was tame. He turned to face the other boys, “We’ll just go somewhere else, right?”

“No,” Cody stood his ground, “I picked this place, I made the reservation, I’m fucking eating here.”

You nodded, “I want pasta.”

“You don’t need pasta,” Brooke muttered loud enough for you to hear it.

“Fuck you,” you snapped, “I don’t need to deal with your shit anymore.”

“I’m sticking around, sweetheart, so I’d get used to it.”

You nodded, “Okay, sure. You’re barely past a hookup and literally no one wants you here.”

“I want her here,” JJ interrupted.

“And why?” you turned on him, “Why are you so fucking stubborn about this? About her?”

He looked around, seeing everyone’s eyes on your group. Cody and Tyler were leaning back, looking a mix of amused and proud of you. Before JJ could say anything, the hostess interrupted, “Um, if you can’t be quieter, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Make it a table for three,” you told her, motioning at Brooke and JJ, “they’ll be eating elsewhere, they have an anniversary to celebrate.”

She nodded and led you, Cody, and Tyler to a table, leaving Brooke and JJ standing at the front of the restaurant.

-

“Okay, remember what we told you,” Tyler said, picking up the boxes you all had after the meal, “be firm and confident. Tell him what you’re really thinking. Ignore Brooke.”

“Ignore Brooke,” you repeated, nodding.

“Good girl,” Cody affirmed, giving your hand a tight squeeze.

Brooke and JJ were sitting on the curb next to Tyler’s car when the three of you joined them, empty McDonald’s bags on the ground next to them. You couldn’t stop the dig, “So, nice anniversary meal?”

“Ours was great,” Cody added, “best pasta I’ve ever had in my entire goddamn life.”

Brooke rolled her eyes, “Hope you ate more salad than pasta.”

“Are you calling me fat?” Cody asked incredulously.

You were pretty sure she was talking to you because Brooke stuttered out, “Uh, no.”

“Bro,” Cody said, “I swear to god I would be cracking skulls right now, but I hashtag respect women so I’ll keep my hands to myself.”

“A hero,” you cooed mockingly at him.

Brooke glared at you, “Can’t talk to me on your own without a buffer now?”

And you were so tired. So fucking tired of dealing with her. You snapped.

“I don’t have to if I don’t fucking want to. All you do is berate me, and send me shitty passive aggressive messages on Instagram, and lie to the people I love. You’re the absolute worst person I’ve ever met in my entire life, I wouldn’t wish dating you on my worst enemies.”

JJ looked like he was going to interrupt, but Cody clapped a hand over his mouth and shook his head, warningly.

You kept going, “One day, JJ is going to wake up and he’s going to see how awful you are. He’s going to realize how miserable you make everyone around you and it’s going to suck for you and for him. I was waiting, I wanted to see it happen, but you know what, it’s just not worth my time.”

“This is insane,” Brooke laughed, a little hysterically, “you’re actually so manipulative.”

But you ignored her and turned to JJ, “I hope you’re so happy. I hope that this girl is worth one of your best friends walking out of your life. I’ve been there for you through shit, man. I’ve been a shoulder to cry on, I’ve been someone at your beck and call, and I’ve been someone who has seen you at your worst and stuck around.”

He was frozen beneath your glare and after a few seconds of waiting on any response, you finished your rant, “Because I’m tired JJ. I’m not going to just myself get hurt for no fucking reason. I never wanted to be that bitch that makes a guy choose, but I’m not in high school anymore, and I won’t be bullied like I am. Choose.”

-

JJ and Brooke decided to stay at a hotel in Charlotte instead of at the same Airbnb with you, Cody, and Tyler. Tyler stopped at a liquor store and picked up wine on the way to the Airbnb and the three of you put on your pajamas, turned on a movie, and drank.

You were laying on the bed between them, thinking about everything that had gone down, and without your permission, the tears started. Tyler noticed first and he paused the movie, sitting up fully to look at you.

“You gonna be okay, bud?”

“I’m sorry for ruining this trip.”

“You didn’t ruin it, Brooke did,” Cody soothed, running a hand up and down your back.

“I feel like it was me though. That’s what she makes me feel like. The intruder, the one who makes things worse, the one who gave an ultimatum. Which may I add, looks even dumber now that he clearly chose her.”

“We could leave them here,” Tyler suggested, “Make them pay for an Uber home.”

You smiled through the tears, “Fuck, that’s so tempting. But I want some moral high ground, I think.”

“We just want you to be happy,” Cody told you, voice soft.

“I am, mostly. But, god, sometimes it’s so hard. It feels so stifling. Like I found my niche, my friends, and then she’s there and she’s ruining it. I hate it so much.”

“Well, we’d never leave you for her,” Tyler soothed.

Cody nodded, “Never, even if we have to ditch Maybank.”

“Shut up,” you told them, smiling slightly.

“Serious,” Cody promised, holding out his pinky. You stared at it before slowly bringing your hand up to link them. Tyler did the same on your other side and you just breathed, both of your pinkies linked, content in the fact that if shit were to go south, they’d have your back.

-

JJ was waiting outside when the three of you pulled up to the hotel, Brooke nowhere in sight. Tyler parked and rolled the window down, “Where’s the spare?”

“She went home,” JJ responded, picking up his bag and walking over to your door, “Can I talk to you?”

“I don’t know, can you,” Cody cut in from the back seat.

You snorted and stepped out to talk to him, “Yeah, can you?”

JJ sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“I don’t even know where to start,” he admitted, putting his hands in his pockets nervously.

“There’s a lot to work through,” you told him.

He smiled sadly, “How did we get here?”

Tears welled in your eyes, and you shrugged, “I don’t know, dude, it just sucks.”

“How do we get back?”

Shrugging again, “It’ll take some time. You hurt my feelings so.”

JJ nodded uncomfortably, “Right. Um, maybe start with breakfast tomorrow?”

“Breakfast tomorrow,” you agreed.

[bts-fantasy]

If You Love Me Let Me Go

Pairing: Hoseok/Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Angst

Warning: mentions of suicide and graphic descriptions

Word count: 5 K

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

„Hey baby, wake up.“

You felt a cold shiver run down your spine at his voice as you slowly opened your eyes to your sunlit room. You‘d left the window ajar the night before as usual ever since the nightmares had started, turning you into a sweaty mess each night. Rolling out of bed with a sigh you carried your heavy legs to the window and closed it shut.

You knew Hoseok was watching your every move. His gaze was crawling up your back.

„As I could see you didn‘t sleep well last night either.“

You ignored the man lying in your king-sized bed still in his outdoor wear as you walked past him to close the door to your bathroom behind you. The reflection of you was just as miserable as you felt inside but you ignored it as always. Splashing ice cold water into your face made at least a bit of the numbness in you fade and you exited the bathroom to get ready for another day. Sundays were the worst, you thought to yourself as you moved to the kitchen to devour anything you could find in there. You had to think of something to get out of the house and be on your own. Searching through the cabinets for something edible you made a mental note that it was time to go grocery shopping again.

„Y/N, you need to start eating healthier again, you know?“ Hoseok‘s voice was right behind you and you closed the cabinet harshly making him flinch. Moving over to the counter you decided to make some fried egg with toast which was the only thing in your kitchen that had not yet expired.

As you stared at the oil sizzling in the heat you completely drowned out the noises he was making right beside you. His eyes were fixed on you showing you his hearty smile as he kept humming a familiar tune.

Your favorite song.

You sighed trying not to look right into his eyes which in return earned you a pout.

„Come on, Y/N, look at me, please.“ You kept your eyes trained on the pan trying not to give in to his attempts of getting your attention. It was hard because you could still see his silhouette in the corner of your eye. The sizzling of the oil got louder and louder and you cracked the egg to continue preparing your breakfast in silence.

Hoseok let his shoulders sink in defeat but he was not ready to give up yet. He moved closer to you until he was only a few inches away from touching you and he could see how the proximity raised your hackles but he wouldn‘t budge. Bringing his lips very close to your ear he whispered.

„Y/N, you can‘t ignore me forever. I‘m right here.“

You closed your eyes as another wave of cold air hit your bare skin and you began to shiver. No, you wouldn‘t give in, you told yourself firmly. After a few seconds of silence, he had already moved away from you and was now sitting at the kitchen table staring at you from afar. But you returned to your pan without taking notice of him at all.

Just like that, you ate your breakfast in silence while feeling his gaze on you as always. After some time it wouldn‘t bother you anymore how he was always, always looking at you no matter what you did.

„Baby...“ You could hear him whine now and then trying to get your attention but you were just as determined as he was. Two stubborn souls under one roof. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

After breakfast you let yourself fall back onto your couch to distract yourself with some boring TV shows. You were zapping between channels trying to find something watchable when your phone suddenly rang disrupting the only silent moment you’d had since you woke up. The loud ringtone of your phone aroused Hoseok‘s interest on the other side of the couch and he craned his neck to get a peek at the screen but you were quick enough to snatch it away from the coffee table.

To your surprise, Jungkook‘s name was lighting up the screen and without hesitation, you picked it up and ran to your room to get some privacy.

Even though you knew he‘d hear every single word anyway.

„Hey..“

„I‘m fine, don‘t worry.“

„Yeah, of course. I‘ll be there in twenty.“

„I... can‘t wait to see you either.“

Within a few minutes, you had pulled yourself together to look presentable. A loose dress and sneakers. Jungkook had only called you out for ice cream anyway. However, you couldn‘t ignore the way your heart was beating faster than before in your chest. You loved spending time with him. He made you forget about everything else going on in your life.

You cleared your throat walking back to your living room with tensed muscles where Hoseok was sitting there with raised brows and a dismissive look.

„Who was that?“

„None of your business.“

You couldn‘t help but reply which made you bite your tongue. With a quick turn, you were headed to the front door leaving him behind before he could make you feel guilty about wanting to have a good time on your own. However, you didn‘t miss the way he yelled right before you shut the door behind you.

„Don‘t forget that I‘ll be here waiting for you when you come home.“

You took a deep breath trying to calm your mind before walking away from your house.

_____

„Y/N, watch this!“ Jungkook exclaimed as he shoved a big chunk of ice cream into his mouth immediately pulling a face because of the following brain freeze. You couldn‘t stop laughing at his funny expression.

„Why would you do that, Kook?“ You asked him in between your laughing fit and he finally relaxed watching you with his big doe eyes. He was sitting next to you on the long park bench only inches away so your shoulders would touch whenever you moved. You couldn‘t complain though. You liked being close to him.

„So I could hear your laugh.“ He stated as if it was the most obvious fact in the world. The air around you shifted as you stopped laughing to look into his eyes. Those doe eyes which seemed to look beyond the surface of the mere color of your eyes in search to find all the answers. You knew that look too well. You‘d seen it before and it made you wish he wasn‘t as attentive as he was to you.

„How are you holding up?“ The question instinctively made you move a few inches away from the warmth of his body and you could hear how he held his breath. You stared at your hands not knowing what to say because you knew you wouldn‘t be able to lie to him. Not when he looked right through you.

„Are you still having nightmares?“ His voice was so low yet soft as if he was scared to break you by pushing too far. When you nodded he closed the few inches between the both of you to pull you into his chest with one arm. You were immediately surrounded by his warmth and the intense scent of his cologne that gave you the feeling of a safe space to let yourself fall back. You‘d been trapped for quite some time now. These few hours you‘d spent with him now and then had become your only ray of hope in your otherwise cloudy life. He didn’t even know how big of an impact he’d made by coming into your life. You simply didn‘t know what you‘d do without him.

A deep sigh left your lips as Jungkook smiled down at you giving you a quick peck on the crown of your head. He loved the way your body fit right in his arms and no matter what was going through your mind he just knew he wanted to protect you from it all. And the thought of you having to sleep all alone with nightmares plaguing you every night made him restless as well.

That‘s how his purely affectionate intention had slowly formed into a tangible idea in his mind. „You know, I could stay the night at your place if it makes you feel better.“

You sat up straight on the bench so fast that Jungkook was staring at you wide-eyed in fear he‘d crossed a line he didn‘t know of. He knew you weren‘t ready for a relationship but he didn‘t see any harm in spending the night at your place.

„I can sleep on the couch.“ He rushed to reassure you but your worries lied elsewhere.

Hoseok.

His words right before you’d left the house were still ringing in your head like a curse.

„No... Jungkook I can‘t... I don‘t think that‘s a good idea.“ You tried to think of an excuse that wouldn’t make him think he was the problem. Your chest heaving as you felt the panic rise in you. You can‘t lose Jungkook but there was no way you could take him home where Hoseok was waiting for you with his irritating smile.

„Hey, look at me, it‘s fine. Please, calm down, Y/N... It‘s fine, I swear.“ Jungkook tried to hide the disappointment in his voice as he put his arm back around your shoulders pulling you close to him. He knew that he shouldn‘t take things to heart when it comes to you but it wasn‘t easy not to question himself when you kept him at a safe distance. You slowly calmed down as the guilt came rushing in and you looked up to see his worried expression. And even though you wanted to tell him how you truly felt you could only bring yourself up to utter three simple words.

„I am sorry.“

But you meant it with your whole heart.

____

You walked back home on your own trying not to think of Jungkook‘s expression for the rest of the evening. The way he tried hard to hide it but failed anyway. You knew him a little too well by now. It was evident in the way he avoided eye contact or his smile seemed a little forced or how he kept a small distance between you at all times afraid to get too close to you. And it hurt like hell but you swallowed the pain to protect him. You knew it was the right choice.

You walked up the porch of your small house in the dark trying to pick your keys out of the purse you carried with you. Hoseok was standing by the window watching you with the corners of his lips curled up to a big smile as always.

It was disturbing.

You didn‘t know how he did it but he never missed the timing to stand right there whenever you came home. Sometimes you‘d even wonder if he‘d been standing there all along waiting for you to return. And of course, you‘d thought of never returning but you doubted it would solve anything. It was your house after all and you‘d spent all your savings on buying it so running away wasn‘t an option.

You took a deep breath before you finally turned the keys in the lock and entered your house. As soon as you closed the door Hoseok was standing in front of you with a pout.

„I was waiting for you, babe. Where did you go?“ His honey-like voice almost made you want to open the door and run back to where you‘d come from. But Jungkook had gone home on your request so you had no other option than to get through Hoseok into the house.

The thin fabric of your dress wasn‘t enough to keep you warm in your cold house. You were about to go to your room to get changed into some warm pajamas when Hoseok stopped you midway.

„I know you‘re cheating on me.“

You stood frozen in your spot while he clicked his tongue moving closer to you. An ice-cold shiver ran down your spine.

„When will you introduce him to me, princess?“

An anguished sob left your lips against your will and you covered your mouth with one hand as you ran upstairs. Back in your room, you slammed the door shut and slid down on the ground as you burst into tears. It was the harsh reality finally crashing down on you. The house of cards you‘d built was falling apart right in front of your eyes but you couldn‘t stop it. Hoseok knew exactly that you would never be able to be with Jungkook. No matter how much you wanted to you just couldn‘t leave Hoseok. The guilt within you ran deeper than the fear of missing out on your life.

You stayed on the floor crying for what felt like hours on end until you finally slid into a restless sleep...

„Y/N, you look stunning today.“ Hoseok showed you his contagious smile while you hid your embarrassment. He always managed to direct everyone‘s attention towards you. You were at a casual dinner with all of your friends but somehow Hoseok‘s eyes were always on you.

„How come you only compliment her, Hobi?“ Your friend next to you wiggled her brows with a knowing smirk looking between you and him. You knew the rumors but you weren‘t ready to believe any of them. Hoseok was your friend almost like an older brother and there was no way-

„Because no one shines as brightly as she does.“ Hoseok said matter of factly and you felt the heat rise in your cheeks as you tried to laugh it off. The air was suddenly tense at the dinner table as everyone kept looking between the two of you. Wanting to escape the situation you excused yourself quickly to use the restroom.

Taking a deep breath you tried to tell yourself that you were overreacting. He was just being his good old flirty self. It didn‘t hold any deeper meaning you reassured yourself before exiting the restroom.

To your surprise, Hoseok was standing right outside with a shy smile while scratching the back of his neck when you stopped on your way to look at him.

„Sorry if I made you uncomfortable back there.“ He apologized which made your nerves slowly calm down again. You smiled up at him telling him that it was alright even though you hated the way your friends were giving each other those meaningful looks. You never liked to be the center of attention and he didn‘t seem to understand but you weren‘t too keen on explaining yourself to him.

Suddenly, Hoseok held out a hand motioning you to take it as you hesitated.

„Come on, I wanna show you something.“

The friendly smile on his face was something only a few could turn down and you weren‘t one of them.

You trusted him.

So when you put your small hand into his he was quick to intertwine your fingers and pull you towards the staircase which lead you to the rooftop.

You were out of breath once you reached the top but the view that presented itself in front of you was totally worth it. A gasp escaped your lips as you moved closer to the railing completely mesmerized by the sight of the city lights that you‘d almost forgotten about your company.

„I knew you‘d like it.“

Hoseok was now standing beside you with eyes fixed down on the street underneath you. The rooftop was at a dizzying height but he didn‘t seem to mind it at all. You on the other hand avoided looking straight down at the tiny people walking by underneath.

„Y/N...“ Hoseok spoke lowly making you turn your gaze towards him. There was something in his expression that caught your attention and made you tense up. You had a premonition but there was no way you could avoid it now.

Hoseok smiled moving closer to you as you stood rooted on your spot mind racing at the speed of light.

He slowly took your hand into his and you let him.

What were you even supposed to do?

He was your friend after all so you had no reason to run away from this situation whatever it was about.

„I‘m sure it‘s pretty obvious by now...“ He started as your heart sank. The rumors were about to proven true and you weren‘t ready at all.

„Y/N, I have feelings for you. I‘ve loved you ever since the day I met you three years ago.“

Your eyes went wide as you kept staring at him trying to come up with the right words to say to him. Were there any right words to break someone‘s heart? You couldn‘t think of any.

„I love you.“

He looked at you expectantly as if he was sure you‘d say it back.

What made him think that you felt the same way about him?

You‘d always been clear about where you two stood but looking into his eyes at that moment made you realize that he disagreed with you on that.

You knew that you couldn‘t lie to him so you took a deep breath before gently removing your hand out of his. Hoseok lifted his brows searching your eyes for an answer as you were still battling with yourself whether to be straightforward or not.

„Y/N... please say it back. Tell me that you love me back.“

You averted your gaze towards your shoes as a quiet sob escaped his lips. You‘d never seen him cry before but when you looked back up tears were slowly rolling down his cheeks. It hurt to see him like this but you had to be honest with him.

„Hoseok, I‘m sure you‘ll find someone better than me. You truly deserve someone who loves you back just as much as you love them.“

You tried to reason with him but it felt like you were talking to a wall.

„Why can‘t it be you? I only want you, Y/N, please.“ You sighed at his desperate attempts feeling the lump in your throat growing bigger and bigger. It was suffocating to be near him.

„I‘m not the one for you, Hoseok, please understand.“

„You don’t understand.. I can‘t live without you... I-“

„I... I think I should go back.“ You cut him off as you took a step back. And then another one as Hoseok‘s desperate sobs grew louder and louder.

You had to get out of there.

„I’m sorry.“ You whispered one last time before you ran down the stairs back to the rest of your group leaving Hoseok behind on the rooftop.

On your way down you noticed how you‘d been crying as well. You couldn‘t bear to see him break down in front of you like that. And it was your fault.

You hated yourself for the way you made him feel.

Once you reached the end of the stairs you quickly dried your eyes to get back to your friends who were still chatting happily unknowing of the scenario you‘d just gone through. You sat down on your place quietly but your return didn‘t go unnoticed.

„Hey, where did Hoseok go?“

You shrugged acting clueless when suddenly the walls began to cave in. The same suffocating feeling spread in your chest making it hard for you to breathe. Just when the walls were close enough to crush your body you closed your eyes waiting for it all to end.

However, at that exact moment, you heard screams coming from outside the building.

They got louder and louder until they were all around you turning into an earsplitting noise filled with pain and agony. The unbearable noise made you run outside to get away from it all but once you set foot outside of the door you were surrounded by people staring you down. Their reproachful looks had you cowering on the pavement with both hands on your ears to drown out their voices. But they reached you nonetheless.

„You killed him. You killed him. You killed him.“

„No! It wasn‘t my fault!“ You breathed out but your inaudible voice was nothing compared to their loud chant. Looking around yourself frantically for an escape your eyes fell on the blood-covered concrete. That‘s when you saw him. The lifeless body lying a few feet away from you.

Hoseok.

His eyes were wide open staring directly at you and his mouth agape while a thin stream of blood was still flowing out of the corner of his lips. His limbs were twisted into an unnatural pose revealing several crushed bones to the naked eye. It was the most disturbing sight.

The shock sent a jolt through your entire body and with a loud gasp you sat straight up again on your bedroom floor. It was dark and cold as always in your room but sweat was dripping down your body as you tried to steady your heavy breathing.

„Here we go again.“ Hoseok sighed watching you with a shake of his head. You buried your head in your hands as quiet sobs left your lips. Your whole body was shaking while your heart was beating rapidly in your chest. Taking in deep breaths you tried to calm yourself down desperately. But to no avail. There was pity in his eyes but it was soon replaced by a shameless grin as he crouched down to you.

„You need to accept it, baby. I‘ll always be there for you.“

You cried out in despair finally looking up into his cold eyes. There was no love left inside of them. It had vanished years ago. Instead, there was only hatred and a deep desire for revenge.

„Please, just leave me alone.“ You whispered as tears rolled down your heated cheeks. Your vision was blurry but still, you could see his smile widen at the sight of you begging for mercy.

„The princess can talk, I see.“ He bent down to peck your cheek but you could only feel the heat cooling down a little at the touch. You squeezed your eyes shut as more tears kept falling from your lashes. The pain was unbearable. You didn‘t know how long it‘d take for you to go completely insane in this house.

As if it wasn‘t bad enough he added more fuel to the fire burning you alive from within.

„He will never love you as much as I did.“

The sobs that shook your body died down to light sniffles. Your pain slowly turning into anger as you listened to him talk about Jungkook. The man who was ready to risk it all for you without asking much in return. Hoseok wasn‘t worthy of even taking his name into his filthy mouth let alone speak as if he knew who he was. Your eyes narrowed while you gave him a dismissive look clenching your hands into fists.

„Oh, would you look at that? This is the first time I’ve seen you getting angry, Y/N. You got it that bad, huh?“

„Shut up.“

You spoke through gritted teeth while Hoseok only laughed at your attempt to stand your ground for the first time ever. The guilt you‘d felt all this time, the fog that had laid on your soul for all these years, finally cleared little by little letting you see the truth that had been hidden all along.

Jumping up to your feet you quickly ran downstairs to grab your keys. There was only one way to stop all of this and you knew exactly where you had to go.

„Hey, where do you think you’re going at this time?“

You ignored him getting in your car as Hoseok was staring at you from your porch. Turning the key in the ignition you heard the motor howl into the silent night as you raced out of your driveway onto the street with the destination fixed in your mind.

The cemetery.

You finally came to halt in the dark parking lot getting out without losing any time. With great strides, you crossed the pathway passing by the squeaking iron gates. There was no one around anyway. Who was crazy enough to go to such a place this late in the night?

Slightly panting you reached your destination.

His tombstone.

Looking at the name engraved into the marble in beautiful golden letters you almost regretted what you were about to do but you were set on following through with your plan. This time for real.

Jung Hoseok.

You read his name out loud.

„You think you can actually pull it off this time?“ You jumped at the sudden voice coming from behind you. When you turned around Hoseok was standing there with hands buried into his pockets.

A look of disinterest in his eyes almost challenging you to finally grab the shovel lying on the ground to your left. You two of you had been here before many times. However, every time you wanted to end it he was quick to change your mind.

„You think the guilt would vanish along with me?“ He laughed dryly arching his brows.

Your eyes fell on the shovel that was ready for you to grab it and end your nightmare.

It was the right thing to do, you told yourself once again.

Acting on its own accord your hand finally reached for it. Once you got hold of the rusty shovel you looked back up into his eyes to see a glint of surprise flash by in them. The cocky attitude was quick to fade away when you moved closer to the grave.

„Y/N, think again... you know what you did to me. It haunts you every night.“

He spoke cautiously now not to anger you anymore but to manipulate you. You took a deep breath before you thrust the shovel right into the ground while looking straight at him.

„After all these years, I finally realized something, Hoseok.“ Your voice was calm as you shoveled the first load of dirt off the grave and tossed it to the side.

„No!“ Hoseok leaped forward but there was no way he could stop you physically. He couldn‘t touch you. He had tried it before without success.

„I didn‘t kill you, Hoseok.“

Another load and Hoseok let out a desperate cry trying to stop you.

„It wasn‘t my fault.“

You watched him sink to his knees begging you to stop digging out his grave. With each load, it got easier to push through and it felt so, so good.

The weight you‘d been carrying with you all these years got lighter with each load of dirt.

As if you were shoveling your heart free from its grave finally getting rid of all the dirt in yourself.

The dirt he‘d buried you in as a punishment.

For what?

Only because you didn‘t return his feelings.

Why had you been so stupid all these years letting him mess with your head into thinking it was your fault?

„It was you, Hoseok.“ You were halfway into the ground now. Hoseok‘s desperate cries kept getting louder revealing his true nature to you.

He was nothing but a vengeful spirit that was only set on destroying you little by little.

Love and hatred truly weren‘t that far apart from each other you thought as you dug deeper. The wind formed into a noisy storm around you whipping your hair into your face but you couldn’t be stopped by anything.

Finally, you hit something solid in the ground. Dusting off the last bit of soil with bare hands you revealed the urn that contained his ashes.

„Y/N, you‘re confused. Let‘s go home and we‘ll figure this out together, alright?“

You ignored him as you removed the small vessel from the ground and placed it on the side before you continued filling the grave back up again.

„Put it back!“ Hoseok was now yelling at an earsplitting volume which shook you to your core.

Picking up the urn you ran out of the cemetery passing by the iron gates down to the riverside. Standing at the bank of the river your chest was heaving up and down as adrenaline rushed through your entire body.

„Don‘t you dare, Y/N! Put it back where it belongs!“ He was crying next to you his whole body glowing more intensely than it did before. His face was distorted with rage but it left you completely cold.

Slowly unscrewing the lid you kept your eyes trained on his silhouette heart racing with fear. You didn‘t know what would happen once you poured the content into the water but it was the only thing you could think of doing to stop this madness.

„You killed yourself. And now it‘s time to say goodbye.“ You spoke at last and with a swift motion, you emptied the urn and watched the dark substance pour out and vanish into the rushing waves of the river silently.

A loud cry pierced through as the figure in front of you got sucked into the river and disappeared without a trail.

Silence returned but you could still hear his painful cry ringing in your mind.

You kept staring straight at the water rushing by for some time just to make sure it was really over. A few minutes passed while eveything reamained silent.

Once you realized what you‘d done the urn fell out of your grip and shattered into tiny little pieces. The loud noise waking you up from your trance bringing you back to reality.

Tossing the broken pieces into the river you ran back to your car as fast as you could to finally head home.

Back at your place when you walked up to your front porch the windows stayed dark showing no sign of Hoseok. It was dead silent when you entered your empty house and turned the lights on. You were still scared he might show up around the corner anytime to tell you how much he‘d missed you. But the house remained silent.

And for the first time in years you broke down and cried out of utter relief.

You were finally free.

_________________________________________

A/N: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!🤩🧟‍♀️👻🎃 Thank you so much for reading. Let me know what you think in the comments or send me an ask whatever you prefer. I really want to know your thoughts on this one🥺👉🏽👈🏽 stay safe and spooky!🤪👻

Masterlist

[gunmetalgrey-trashpile]

medical draaaaaama with @consultingsister

SEVERIN

Severin Moran was supposed to be a doctor. He was supposed to be helping people. Five years of schooling, two years in the army, one treating frontline patients in crisis points to...  being benched behind a desk to run budgets for each department, trying it squeeze pennies here and there just to make ends meet. He got to see a handful of patients, if any. Coming home was supposed to be more than this. He missed A&E more than he could possibly admit, and right now it was weighing on his shoulders more than usual. He used to have full faith in people. In her specifically. Cecelia Holmes was respected, brilliant and a once in a generation surgeon but adjusting the life support of a patient was… grounds for termination. Not to mention her being struck off. 
The pager had practically vibrated off of his desk.

Crash on London Bridge, three casualties, multiple passers by injured. Once dead on the scene. He wore scrubs constantly, just in case for the awful moments like this when he had to sprint down to the first floor and prove himself. The son had made it into triage by the time he arrived, the second and third casualties still under assessment when the daughter began to code. The head of the emergency room should have handled it, but he was closer. He was the official call in this moment. John Watson grabbed the shock cart, more people moving around them to try and support the situation. He ignored the two Sebastian Morans at the emergency room doors, everything else melted into he background.

Third shock, almost twenty full minutes of chest compression and he absolutely refused to call it. He kept going, the muscles in his arms burning but he couldn’t give it up. Long enough for someone to page Cecelia. He didn’t even notice in the fray, he was too focused on the patient. Early twenties, brown matted hair, heavy streaked eyeliner and-

The ringing of the heart monitor and the call of the alarms meant nothing. He had to keep going.

CECELIA

Celia loved a panic. It was sick, she knew but she also knew that almost every doctor on the floor felt the same, whether they admitted it or not. It was a time to prove yourself; it make your heart best like nothing else on the earth. And Cee was riding high. She had been in with of the first casualty; the medics were ready to call it but she met them all the door. While male, thirty-two, glass shards making their way to his heart.

It was almost too easy; she didn’t even need to bring him into surgery.

It was odd to see Celia on the floor in scrubs. It was almost like it’s own alarm bell. Cecelia Holmes has taken off her heels, run for cover. A car crash was also a wonderful distraction from thinking too much about what Sev was going to do. Which weighed more? His love for her or his moral code. Cee used to love that he was a good person, unwavering in it, but now it felt like another roadblock to her success.

She was in between check ups when she got the page. A small gathering at the door, as if there wasn’t anything better to look at. She didn’t need the whispered explanation from Nurse Emma. She could see it in his face, sweat dripping from his forehead. Twenty minutes in. There was nothing left to save. “Clear the room,” she barked. Then her voice softened. “Severin...” her eyes flash to John, then to the two nurses who remained. Down with the ship, she guesses. “Sev.”

A little firmer, she tries again, this time reaching for his shoulder. “Doctor Moran. You have to call time of death. There is nothing you can do now. Step away, take a breath, call it.” She speaks as if it’s easy. “Sev.... you can stop now.” SEVERIN He didn't even hear her barking orders in an emergency room that wasn't hers to control. He simply kept on going. Saying his name wasn't going to pull him away from the job at hand, he had to help people, he had to do... something. Initially he leant backwards at the hand on his shoulder, letting himself be moved so carefully. But he didn't take a breath. He turned to face Cecelia, glassy eyed and hands still shaking with adrenaline. It was his call. And he couldn't save anyone. "Time..." He started out with his voice unsteady, swallowing before he could carry on. He puffed up his chest, his eyes momentarily dropping tot he floor before his brow tightened and all the fury was back in his body again. Severin brushed her hand away roughly, shoving past her to stand next to John. "Time of death 19:57."

He wasn't about to hang around for a lecture she had no right to give. What was she even doing there?

CECELIA

She wasn’t used to being at the receiving end of... what? His bad mood? Sounds a little flat. His hatred? She could hardly bear the thought. He was always sweet with her. Even after the baby, the weeks that bled into months where was cold, dismissive, sometimes outright cruel. He forgave and forgot. It wouldn’t be so simple this time.

She turned back to John but he stopped her, “I’ve got this. Go.”

“I owe you.” She moved quickly from the room. Second sign of an emergency; Cecelia Holmes running. “Doctor Moran.”

It still sounded funny in her mouth to call him doctor. Maybe she still saw him as the kid from her biology class; maybe that was the problem. Cee needed to adapt, needed to see him as a doctor, her boss. Only technically. “Doctor, can I please speak with you? Where are you going?”

SEVERIN

He didn’t stop. He just kept moving, waiting for her to follow him into a completely empty OR, not that he had planned it well. His pager wasn’t going off so he couldn’t claim to be urgently needed elsewhere, his anger and frustration piling on in heaps. He had been so good at staying calm and collected before he came back to work here. With her.

“Don’t.” He didn’t want to see her right now, let alone be forced to listen to stupid justification as to why his saviour complex got in the way of him actually doing his job. “You don’t get to lecture me on life and death, what the hell do you fucking know?”

Severin rallied, rounding on her with those icy eyes that gave away his inner turmoil. He was quiet, despite his rage. Enough so that nothing would carry back to a busy ER.

“You don’t get to speak with me, not now.”

CECELIA

“I know!” Cee wasn’t do adept at keeping her voice down. Sev’s anger was always icy when hers was fire. Hot, unstoppable; people were likely to get burnt. She pressed her lips together, trying to keep it together. “I know that the best thing I could have done for Jennier Ried was let her die on my table. Or, better yet, not have pushed for the surgery at all so she could have died at home, with her family, peacefully. But instead, because of my pride, I kept her alive when it was her time to go. And now she is a fucking vegetable, Sev! With her mother coming in every single fucking day. Losing a child is hard but this...”

She gave a growl of frustration, covering her face and turning away from him. She should tell him it was a mistake; a bad decision made at the end of a long shift. That she was grateful that he stopped her. Even if it was a lie. It was save her career, it would save their relationship.

Cee turned back, closing the space between them. “You weren’t saving that patient. They were gone Sev, you were trying to save yourself. Everyone in that room knew it.”

SEVERIN

"No. No the best thing you could have done was stick to letter of the law.  There are rules Cecelia. You cannot make yourself the arbiter of life and death, although how would you know? It's not like you have ever had that control taken away from you." He snarled. There was hardly two feet between them.

He reached out for her shoulder, pulling her to face him again. No, she didn't get to do this.

"I don't need saving. I am fine, I'm the only sane one here."

Severin pushed her, heading straight for the doors of the OR as if he was ready to head straight back to work.

CECELIA

“You are drowning, Moran.”

She knows because she’s been there herself. She knows because putting him in the position to keep her secrets was as good as shoving him under the water. She moved past him quickly, leaning against the door. He could easily move her, she knew that, but she hoped it would be enough.

“You have been since you came back to London. Fighting with Bash, you’ve been short with interns. I have never seen you like this. I fucked up, I know that! I know I am making your life hard, but please, I can help. This can’t go on, Sev. It’s a race to see who you kill first; yourself or.a patient.”

SEVERIN

“I have to be fine, because I clearly can’t trust anyone. Look at you, I had total faith and you just...”

He stopped dead in his tracks, glaring her down completely. It was hilarious now how many times he could think he had hit breaking point only to realise there was still deeper he could sink to.

“How would you know? You shut me out. You didn’t care when things were at their worst, stop acting like you care now. It’s not going to change my mind, you pretending that there’s a second chance just to save your bloody career. You need to move.”

CECELIA

"Don't you dare, don't you fucking dare." Without meaning to, without even realising she was doing it, she shoved him. He was right that Cecelia didn't like losing control but she was wrong that she never did. "I have never ever cared more than when we lost--" her throat constrict.

"Yes, I shut you out afterwards but that was not because i did not care. I didn't know how to handle how much I cared, Sev. I lost your baby. And I could do nothing, say nothing to bring her back for you. But you left, you picked a war zone over staying with me."

She doesn't want to cry but she can feel the sharp stinging at the corner of her eyes. "I do care now, I cared then and I care now. Fire me, honestly, if that will lift a weight off your shoulders but you know I made good calls, nine out of ten times, I made a good call even if it's not textbook."

SEVERIN

Severin stepped backwards. This was hardly enough to break through to him, even with how much the admission had cost her emotionally. “Really? You put your career first, and always. Clearly above patients. Clearly above us, any chance there was here? It’s gone. Don’t question my calls, don’t undermine me in front of my staff. I am your boss. Remember that.”

He didn’t even want to hear it. “I left to do my god damn job, now step aside.”

CECELIA

"I am willing to lose my job to give a family some peace, Sev. How the hell is that putting my career first?" She knew her argument was weak. What Celia called colouring outside the lines most would call gross negligence. She stands taller against the door, bracing herself.

"No." Her hand wrapped around the door handle and she realised she might even be a little scared of him. Just last week she'd watched him subdue a drink man twice his size in A&E, he could throw her across the room if he wanted to.

SEVERIN

Head shaking, he stepped back again. He moved to the operating table, pressing his palms to it with a deep breath in order to press out some of the anger. He couldn’t do this right now. In a flash, he kicked out tossing a tray across the room in a clattering racket before huffing like an idiot.

His hands moved to his face, his fingers pressing into the flesh with the stress. “I need to get out there before they loose anyone else. Let me go.”

CECELIA

"You have not been paged, I have not been paged. You are not currently in a fit state to look to patients and I have no intention on letting you leave before you have calmed down."

She gripped onto the door handle tighter, trying not to shake. Strike that, she was a lot scared. She had jumped as the tray hit the floor but now moved forward, away from the door, pulling hands hand away from his face and replacing them with her own. "Look at me, look at me Sev. You cannot save everyone. Not everyone lives. Not my patient, not yours. Not the baby. Not Alex. But so many do live. So many people have gone on to live because of what you did for them. Me included Sev. I am only alive today because of you. You saved me. Let me help you, please."

SEVERIN

“What are you going to do for me, huh?” He pulled away again, pacing like a caged animal. He needed to be busy and just... not think.  “How’s putting me in positions were there is no right choice going to help?!”

Severin hadn’t told a soul, and it was the very first time he had disobeyed his own moral code. There was flexibility when it came to the law and high pressure situations but not this.

“I can’t think straight around you. Sam is right, you get in my head. And you just...”

He stopped DEAD IN HIS TRACKS, closing his eyes to breathe in deep through his nose and out through his mouth slowly. “The last thing I want from you right now is whatever your idea of help is.”

CECELIA

“Jessica is brain dead and I am the best surgeon on your staff. You saw me with my hand on the switch, that’s it. There is a right choice.” She almost instantly regretted that. She was right, but it wouldn’t help. Cee moved towards him again.

“Sam is not right. After your punch up with Bash, who did you come see? You said it yourself, you sleep better in my bed. How can you tell me I don’t help?”

It’s a risky move but she stops him, hands back on his face, she kisses him. Hard and urgent, desperate to the through to him. “I love you, i love you. Don’t leave me. I love you.”

Even Cecelia isn’t sure what she is more panicked about; losing him or losing her job but the two seem connected now. It’s their fourth year all over again and her planned future is going down the drain. “I love you”.

SEVERIN

She was the best surgeon on his staff, that he couldn’t argue with. Largely because she took the risks no one else wanted to. It was infuriating that she could be so damn right all the time.

The kiss made him want to relent, forget the chaos going on around them and just kiss her back. Only it wasn’t that simple. Severin lingered longer than he should have, kissing her back with as much frustration and urgency as she had. He slept better in her head, he found life easier by her side but this hurt deeply. Not just her actions, but confronting him like trying to do his all was the wrong move.

“No- no. Don’t say that. Not now.” She knew the buttons she was pressing and this time around he wouldn’t play into her hands so easily. Severin pulled away, pulling her hands down from his face.

“You can’t love me when it’s convenient for you.”

CECELIA

The OR light bounced from the table and onto her face, reminisce of the lighting in black and white movies. She twisted her mouth and her eyes gleamed. She thought she had worked it out this time. Done the right maths. Right time, right place. They could make it work this time.

But he was still Sev and she was still Cee. Not enough had changed. Or everything had, she couldn't tell.

She opened her mouth but a incessant beeping from her waist band cut her off. Looking dow to her check her message, she sniffs. "Loving you... is absolutely never convenient for me. I just do it anyway." She looks into his face and smiles saddly. "We have to go. Second wave."

SEVERIN

Her pager beeped. His was completely silent. He didn’t break his concentration on her face, trying to understand where he should even be in this mess. If she had said those three little words at any other point then he’d be over the moon. The problem lay in the delay, that now apparently there was weight to them.

“Debrief me before you leave.” He still knew it was stupid to send her into surgery unsupervised be he really didn’t have a choice.  “I have a family to call.”

CECELIA

"Sir yes sir." Her smile grew tight. How could he treat her like she was a liability? Her almost perfect track record of general surgery. Who else on her level had that?

The next five hours are a blur. Two minor procedures, one surgery, one shower. By the time she's found him in his office, she's out of scrubs and back in her power suit, heels on, ready for her own battle. She knocks, even though the door is open. "Did I ever tell you I applied for this job when you did? I mean--- thank god I didn't get it. It's sort of make you a dick." Her pleading tone is gone. She's pissed at him. It feels like he is holding her job over her head.

"I'm here you to tell you I didn't kill anyone today. Same as yesterday, same as the day before. I even managed to fit in a scheduled surgery, which brought int he hospital about... hm, ten thousand in billable hours, I think? I'm not an accountant, but I think that's my going rate."

SEVERIN

He should have stopped her. This wasn't about oversight, in fact, he was too invested in a family that had lost two members in one day- in spite of his attempt to help. He wanted to know that there was a chance the other two made it to the end of his shift.

Severin watched her move through the doors, and away from the emergency room. His first call was to Sam, to put him on the ground. Right now, the poor second would be starting his shift with a fresh mind and fresher hands. It was going to be easier on both of them.

He insisted on calling the relatives himself, trying to bury himself in the budget and not watch the hours tick by. He'd managed it, well, his eyelids were drooping as the knock on the door cut through his thoughts.

"Right." His steam had blown off entirely, calmer again. Almost rational. "That sounds about right. I've been running the numbers so I can believe it."

Severin stood up, hands shoved awkwardly in his pockets in a way that would seem achingly familiar. His head tilted awkwardly, charmingly. As if he had never lost his cool. "I think we need to talk, don't you?"

CECELIA

Cecelia paused in the doorway, stuck between an adult and telling him to suck it. However, in the best interests of her own career, she took off her coat and closed the door behind her.

She wishes she had something smart to say, she seems to for everything else but all she can think to say is... you look tired. She wants to take him into leaving with her, maybe even taking some holiday time like normal people. "I meant everything I said before but I can't-- I cannot lose my job Sev. St Thomas' would never sign off on you letting me go so you'd have to have me struck off. Are you seriously considering that?"

SEVERIN

He leant against his desk, propping himself up.

"Just -listen." He raised a hand, trying to get her to give him time. Tired was one way to put it. Total and complete exhaustion was another.

"We've been fighting, in one way or another since I go here. I'm not saying I didn't deserve some of it, but somewhere along the line- we made a good team." Late night study sessions right up to trial parenting. There was nothing they couldn't do, as long as the did it together. Maybe in the months of moving around each other, he'd lost sight of what the real goal was.

"I need to trust you to work with me. You love me, then you know I've only ever got your best interest. And the patients, because there's a situation where the two aren't exclusive." This was the biggest risk of his career, and maybe more. What other alternative was there? He couldn't report her, it was just not going to happen. "I am not going anywhere alright? I love you, but don't use it against me."

CECELIA

A weight lifts. The sky clears. She moved to the door and back to the desk; he’s not going to tell! She should be more sorry, more solemn but she can’t help but. She wants to shout out! She’s keeping her job!

“Yes, I promise. I love you, I really do.” She covers her face with her hands to hide her grin. They’re parents, of course he wasn’t going to let her go. She stares at him for a moment and then laughs, a mister of relief and something else.

“Look at you... behind a desk... pushing papers and working out budgets. That’s... that’s sick.” No wonder he is losing his mind.

SEVERIN

The relief was palpable, but he wasn't finished. "Wait. It's not that simple. Brain dead or otherwise, that's never your call to make. This ever happens again, I'm reporting us both. I can't let you do that Cee. I'm not asking you to be sorry, but I am asking you to promise me that will never, ever happen in my operating rooms again. Am I clear?"

He kept his voice steady, his posture loose. He was very much pulling the boss card, but trying to make it look like there was something more than work that was driving him. This was a huge mistake, the issue was that that the alternative didn't bare thinking about.

"Pays well. Paperwork or CPR, that's what I seem t have signed up for." His blonde hair was growing lighter around the sides, his laughter lines deeper in the dim evening light as it shifted into the early hours of the morning. Just because he wore his weariness well didn't make it any less obvious.

"Starting to see why the job was so available. Poor Lelia, I'm pretty sure she's reserved a bed in the psych ward for the day I finally push her over the edge."

CECELIA

"I promise I will never put you through this again. Ever. With anything." It wasn't a lie, per se, but it wouldn't have made it harder to say even if it was. She would say anything she needed to, as long as he allowed her to cut. To heal someone more optimistic might say. But she would be careful. She would make good, by the book decisions, for a couple months and she wouldn't allow herself ot be in the position again of having a brain dead patient.

She moved around his desk, pulling his arms around her. "You're very clear. And you're very bossy. You're right, I need to stop seeing you as my study-buddy and start seeing you as my boss. Only technically," she allows another grin to grow on her rep lips. "And only when we're here."

Cee wished she couldn't hear the little voice in her head, the wicked nagging little sound that she was sure she inherited from her father. You've got him wrapped around your finger, you're safe now, clever you. It wasn't fair. This wasn't planned. She wasn't going to take advantage of this, of him. She could be better with him.

"I think we're all going going there eventually. Or to hell, I don't know which I'd prefer."

SEVERIN

It wasn’t lost on him that her career was the only constant in her life. She had used it as ammunition to push him away, her only real defiance against her father. When they had pulled apart, she had sought refuge in it. If it came down to a choice...

Severin let himself be moved into holding her, even if it wasn’t exactly what he wanted right now. It was impossible to read her, and even worst to be stuck second guessing her motivations. Of course this was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

“Makes a change, doesn’t it?” He pressed his forehead against hers with a heavy sigh. “Don’t know either. Depends how much paperwork there is in hell. It’s bad excel has me missing Helmand, right?”

He moved back for peace and quiet, and yet in the year he had been here it has been anything but. Constant battles with family, with the board, with Sam.. he was a very different person to the easy going doctor that had agreed to the position. How could helping people twist him up like this?

“I think it’s safe to say today wasn’t subtle. And that I owe John and apology for acting like a prat in his emergency room.”

CECELIA

As his forehead lent against hers, she knew she was safe. Maybe for the rest of her career. It was an accident, in fact she had ever intention of not going near Severin Moran ever again but--

"These things happen." She lifted her chin to kiss his head and then leant against him again. "I've seen John lose it with interns more times than I can count. Even doctors have bad days and A&E seems to get the brunt of it." Even she, infallible Cecelia, had lost her cool once or twice.

"We should get away-- oh, we should go to Italy! Take a whole week off, forget this place even exists. No beepers, no excel, no Bash or Seb!" She gives a little giggle. "Come on, boss."

SEVERIN

It was torture to know he hadn't even finished for the day. He also wanted to head to the ICU, check on the family himself since she didn't seem to have any news. Severin softened further, the tension in his shoulders dropping at her gentle kiss in a way that showed at leas the physical stress had left his body. She was right. A&E was always where tensions were highest, he knew that from his own experience. If that had been his department back in Bristol though he would want to have a chat and make sure all was fine. Maybe he could grab a pint... if it wasn't nearly 2am again. One day he would leave here at a reasonable hour.

"We should." A trip back to paradise would be a welcome break. Maybe if he did a trade off, left Sam for a week and gave him a week in return... "I think that would be perfect. I've got another half hour, you should head home. No point waiting for me, I'm going to be awful company..."

He'd still head back to her flat, slip in quietly and close his eyes for a few hours. Better than the mattress on the floor and empty fridge he was living with in Bermondsey.

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Ava

Buster: What the fuck have I gotta lay the law down for? Ava: Oh, and a howdy to you too Buster: Start talking Buster: Mum is really pissing me off Ava: Welcome to the club Buster: Come on, I ain't got the time or the patience for this off you as well Ava: You ain't my lawyer and I don't want you present Ava: I know my rights Buster: For fuck's sake, someone give me a straight answer Ava: God, fine Ava: but this is NOT how I wanted to do this, let the record show Buster: It's out of your hands, yeah, noted Ava: I've got a new boyfriend and they're not happy Buster: What's that gotta do with me? Ava: I didn't tell you Ava: It's someone you know, alright Buster: Who? Ava: Knew, even, back in the day Ava: Your old friend, James Buster: I know loads of lads called James Buster: It better not be the one I first thought of Ava: Well how would I know Buster: Don't Ava: What do you want me to say? Buster: I don't want to hear another word unless it's you telling me I've got it wrong and it ain't him Ava: Then that's that Buster: What's wrong with you? Ava: Nothing Ava: I met him at Kings, I like him Buster: Bullshit, you're better than this Ava: Better than what, exactly? Buster: A fucking married dad, Ava Ava: He's getting divorced Buster: So you're someone's dirty little secret and then what, exactly, a surrogate mum? Ava: Of course not Buster: Just 'cause he's never had any drive or ambition and his soon to be ex is cracked, that don't mean you've gotta step in on either Ava: You don't know him anymore Buster: You don't know him, it's been like a month, yeah? Ava: and who do you think I am anyway, captain save a hoe? Buster: You tell me Ava: No, you think you know so well, go on Buster: Jesus Christ Buster: You're proper acting your fucking age Buster: Don't get me started on that Ava: It isn't that big of a gap Buster: Not like when Nance tried to get on her teacher no, but is that what you wanna be measured against now? Ava: She's already gone there, try again Buster: Okay, try this, it's really fucking hard raising someone else's kid Buster: I know, I'm doing it Ava: Like you said, it's been like a month Ava: I'm dating him, I'm not raising any children Buster: It doesn't matter, you like him, you'll wanna help him Buster: Then you'll get attached and you'll be stuck Ava: No I will not Ava: and he's not going to introduce people to his kids that easily either, he's not an idiot Buster: I don't care what he is, you're being stupid Buster: End it before you're in up to your neck Ava: How am I? Buster: Come on, you don't need the list Ava: Then I disagree Buster: Go ahead, I'm right Ava: Enjoy that Ava: it changes nothing in my life Buster: You think you're grown now, yeah? Ava: You think you can tell me what to do? Buster: When you're this determined to fuck up, I've clearly got to Ava: Focus on your own family Buster: You're my family Ava: Then trust me Buster: I fucking love you, stop it Ava: I love you all too Buster: You told Nance before you told me, you weren't even gonna tell me, what the hell, Ava? Ava: I was going to Ava: I changed my status and she pounced so I just told her there and then Ava: I was thinking how to put it Buster: He's got you lying already Buster: Keeping important shit from me Ava: It's not like that Ava: I am telling you Buster: I'm gonna kill him Ava: No, you aren't Ava: come on Buster: You come on Ava: He's had a hard enough time, alright Ava: and he's not done anything wrong here Buster: He's not gonna be any good for you after being with her Buster: She's fucked Ava: He is though Ava: she's left her kids, you know Buster: Listen, she ruins everything she touches Ava: He isn't ruined Buster: You can't see it Ava: You literally haven't seen him in ages Buster: I'm not talking about him, I'm talking about her Ava: You weren't trying to help him then, when it all happened Buster: You don't know what I did or didn't do then, alright? Buster: Shut up Ava: Don't tell me to shut up Buster: Fucking hell Ava: Calm down Buster: Don't Ava: If this is the extent of the conversation we're gonna have then yeah, we're both too busy for this Buster: Ava Ava: What? Buster: I'm trying to calm down, alright Ava: Alright Buster: Shit happened back then, I'm not proud of it and I try not to think about it Ava: It's the same for him, and lots of people Ava: I'm sorry if he brings that up for you Buster: Yeah, well that ain't your fault, it ain't even his Buster: I'm sorry Ava: You've reacted as expected Ava: Meaningless death threats aren't nothing compared to mum asking if I'm doing it for attention, soz to you and dad Buster: I just wanna protect you, so does she Ava: Appreciated Buster: She's so shit scared to lose you, any of us, but you know Buster: You especially Ava: Rule number one is don't chase them into the boyfriend's arms, is it not Buster: When has she ever played by any rules but her own? Come on Ava: Well I'm not a baby Buster: You're exactly the fucking same as her, is what you are Ava: Shut up Ava: If I was we'd have no problem Buster: Well, I was gonna say nicer but you've fucked that now Ava: I don't feel like being nice Buster: Fair enough, me either Ava: Oh no, however will we cope without your kind words and ways Buster: Do you love him or what? Ava: I'm the one being stupid and moving too fast, now you wanna marry me off Ava: okay Buster: Do you? Ava: Yes Buster: Alright Ava: Is it? Buster: It won't always be but it'll feel worth it anyway Ava: How is it different with Venus? Buster: Everything is harder with or without that cunt actually around to undermine me Buster: I second guess myself all the time, if I don't love her enough, if I love her too much Buster: I'd die for that kid and I have no idea what I'm even gonna mean to her Ava: Yeah Ava: it's fucked up Buster: Caleb gave everything to Edie and it didn't save her Ava: No Ava: How could they let it happen again Buster: I love Rio more than anything and I still couldn't stop it Ava: It's really messed up Buster: Yeah Ava: Do you think you should give her to her dad Ava: full time Buster: He doesn't want her full time, he barely wants her part time Ava: I just think Ava: that maybe that's because Rio wouldn't give her up Ava: he was going to have her, obviously, that was the plan, when Junior was still around Buster: Plans change and he only wants it his way Ava: okay Ava: do you talk to Caleb? Ava: you should Buster: Yeah 'cause that wouldn't be weird Ava: Act your age Buster: That means not being a selfish cunt, no good is gonna come of me raking over his grief for my own benefit Buster: Oh and while I'm at it, let me slag your daughter off for not listening to me, cheers Ava: He probably would like to talk about it Ava: doubt anyone ever asks him Buster: You talk to him then Buster: Be the best step mum you can be, like Ava: 🙄 Buster: Like you said, everything's fucked Ava: Don't include me in that Buster: You ain't exempt, kid Buster: You wish Ava: Alright, then I'm not and get over it Buster: Act your age Ava: Rich Buster: Yeah, I am Ava: Not yet, boy Buster: Take your jinxes elsewhere Ava: Will do Buster: Good Ava: Can report back now, Judas Buster: Fuck that, I don't do what I'm told either Ava: 😏 Ava: Bullshit, you don't want to admit you failed horribly Buster: Fuck you, that's never happened Ava: Sure, you convinced me Ava: definitely not going to do exactly what I want and planned to Buster: 'Course and 'course not, respectively Ava: But seriously, you can't actually lie to them about this because I won't be Buster: Hilarious, I ain't that cunt and I ain't looking to turn into him today Ava: Well I hope they go back to annoying about whatever they usually do and not me then Ava: you* Buster: Unlikely Ava: Serious question Ava: do you think I should let him talk to them Ava: he offered but is that the worst idea or actually might help Buster: Why not? Buster: He loves you too, yeah? Ava: Yeah Ava: but if dad tries to hit him or something as shaming I swear to God Buster: Mum wouldn't let that happen Buster: She'd kick him out well before he could kick off, she knows every tiny trigger even before he does Ava: Hmm, maybe Ava: you have more faith in her as an impartial ref Ava: but she's not been shouting at you for however long so Buster: 'Cause she don't shout at me, she goes quiet Buster: James can still form a coherent sentence when prompted, can't he? Ava: Well that's unfair Ava: I'll ask her to change her method back Ava: and fuck off Buster: It's a fair question, he was partying really hard last I heard Ava: He went to rehab actually Buster: Leave that out of the introductions and calm down then Ava: Don't tell me to calm down Ava: tah very much Ava: like they just want to meet him Buster: I'm just saying, he offered Buster: If you don't have to do this on your own, why the fuck would you wanna? Ava: You don't get it 'cos your relationship is different Ava: you wouldn't subject someone to this family if you didn't have to Ava: in fact, definitely waiting 'til they've calmed down, I can just imagine the ridiculous things they'd say and nope Buster: Take the support, Ava, Christ's sake Buster: He was married to her, he's handled crazier Ava: Yeah 'cos that's how I want to be Ava: how I wanna treat him Ava: I'm more than capable, thanks Buster: Yeah, really capable of letting someone help you, as evidenced right there, like Ava: I don't need it Buster: Whatever Buster: Maybe he needs to give it Ava: He's mid-divorce, I think he's busy enough Buster: If he loves you, he ain't too busy for you Ava: 🙄 Okay Ava: you can go now Buster: You can think again on trying to tell me what to do Ava: Okay, I'm gonna go then Ava: thank you for your advice etc Buster: Don't ask me what I reckon and then dismiss it Ava: I've taken it on-board Ava: I didn't say I'd do what you said Buster: It'll help show them that you're both serious Buster: They reckon nobody under the age of about 35 has been since they were Ava: Exactly Ava: that's what they don't wanna hear Ava: ever since you shit the bed Ava: they can think it's not serious if they like, fine by me Buster: The sooner they hear whatever the truth is, the sooner they can deal, 'cause they'll have to Ava: I'm not even gonna be here this time next year Ava: they need to deal with that first Buster: You're not a baby, it's all part of the same issue Ava: You need to move here or they need to be there so they can be all over your kids Buster: I've already got a place there and they've got one here Ava: I'm talking permanently, like Ava: or they'll have their own baby or something Buster: No they won't Ava: If Ro can Ava: wonders never cease Buster: Yeah and that was such a good idea Ava: She wouldn't know one if it called itself 0 cals Buster: Like you said, in a year you'll be at uni wherever the fuck you want Ava: I'll suggest knitting and golf then Buster: If you've got a death wish Ava: Can't dampen the mood any harder Buster: Come on Buster: I'll have another kid or something, take the heat off Ava: Tah Ava: no chance Nance will so you have to really Buster: Don't Ava: What? Buster: Imagining her as a mother is such a headfuck Ava: She won't Ava: she's heartbroken rn, apparently Buster: Standard then, yeah? Ava: obviously Ava: standard she managed to get that in to this convo, like Buster: If anyone can Ava: you know Ava: as well as a meaningless offer of a trip out there Buster: And you still told her before me Buster: Fuck you Ava: Got to be faster on the socials Ava: I technically told Grace ages ago if you want to be really upset Buster: What? Ava: Not literally the whole debacle, I'm not mental Ava: just to talk about it, when you last came over Buster: What do you reckon all your friends are gonna say? Ava: I dunno Ava: a mixed bag, no doubt Buster: I can like actually try and talk to mum and dad if you want Ava: If you wanna smash your head against that particular brickwall Ava: you're welcome to try Ava: I don't mind Buster: 'Course that wouldn't actually hurt me so Ava: Thick skull Ava: sure Buster: Yeah Buster: And loads of practice at exactly that pursuit Ava: Cheers then Ava: enjoy the brain damage Buster: Will do

[kaesaaurelia]

oh hey how about Alphys and Sans' chat in your "When Life Hands You Enantiomers" fic for that fic meta ask?

OH MAN so this was my first Undertale fic ever!  I originally started noodling around with writing Sans and Alphys genfic for Yuletide, the small fandom exchange that happens every Christmas – at the time of nominations, Undertale was still a small fandom! and I got into it during the writing period, so I hadn’t thought to ask for or offer it.

I’d wanted to write a treat, but I ended up looking at all the Undertale requests and none of them quite were what I wanted to write, which was mostly chemistry puns and friendship.  So I wrote it, figured I might gift it to someone if it happened to suit their letter, and… it didn’t, really?  I figured I’d just post it.

Anyway, that’s the fic background.  Onward!

“You look like you need a break,” he said, decisively, going past her into the lab.  He paused at her desk, evidently looking for somewhere to put the box of donuts and finding nothing but her vast mountains of clutter.  "I like what you’ve done with the place,“ he said finally.

Basically this was my dad’s reaction to my first apartment every time I tried to show him how clever I’d been making furniture out of cardboard boxes.  Eventually I got sick of responding with “oh fuck off” and made him drive me to Ikea to get a desk.

“It’s, uh.  S-sorry, it’s kind of a mess.  I’m just really busy with – with Royal Scientist stuff?” she finished hopefully.  "You – you know how it is, I g-guess.“

"Yeah,” he said, tonelessly.

and this is the start of me not being able to decide whether or not Alphys remembers that Sans used to work with Gaster in some capacity in this fic!  I think I eventually decided it comes and it goes.  I like to keep things ambiguous on the topic of What The Fuck Is Even Up With Sans??? in my non-AU Undertale fics – I find the ambiguity interesting, I like that everyone has their own theories, and other people have covered that ground better and more thoroughly than I will.

“Anyway,” he said, a lot more brightly, “let’s relax and have some donuts.”  He pulled a picnic blanket from literally nowhere and spread it out on the floor of the lab.

So one of the things I appreciate about writing from Alphys’ POV is that it feels completely tonally appropriate to have her say she facepalmed, or use the phrase “literally nowhere,” and other diction I guess I associate more with informal internet communication.

“Does, uh.  Does Muffet know you made off with all her donuts?” Alphys asked.

“Eh,” said Sans, waving a hand dismissively.

Again, I really like leaving Sans’ bullshit ambiguous, and kind of shady.

“So.  You still working on that horrible tile puzzle?”

“It’s.  …yeah!  It’s going really well.  It's….”  She sighed.

“You’re stuck, aren’t you?” Sans asked.

“Yeah,” she admitted.

“You know you don’t have to do it, right?” he said.  "I mean… Papyrus knows you must be really busy, he’s not gonna be upset.  Plus, I have to say, I’m not real excited about fishing him out of the middle of it if he gets stuck on a puzzle.“

I like how Sans assumes Alphys’ real concern is letting Papyrus down.

"Ha,” she said, joylessly.  "F-funny you should mention the, uh, fishing.“

To her horror, he took this entirely the wrong way.  "Aw, come on, Undyne’s not gonna hold it against you either,” he said.

“N-no, that’s, that’s n-n-not what I –”  Words failed her and she just buried her face in her hands for a moment.

“Although, now that I mention it, Undyne did seem kinda worried about you,” he said.  "You’re not answering your phone, or something?  She said maybe you were mad at her.“

"Oh no,” said Alphys, diving for her phone.  Those four texts.  "Augh, I am the worst kind of trash, I’m a terrible friend, I c-can’t do anything right!“ she moaned.

Oh god.  Please tell me I’m not the only person who leaves texts unread because what if I forget to respond to them when the notification is gone? and then don’t ever look at them out of crushing guilt and anxiety, until people start to worry.  Please.

(Another note on diction: I actually really, really don’t like it when people call themselves “trash.”  I grew up unironically – and really shittily – using the phrase “white trash” to describe certain cousins of mine, and it’s too loaded down with those classist connotations for me to read it as just harmless self-deprecation.  This may just be because I am An Old, though.  Anyway, Alphys uses it – and it’s definitely how she actually thinks of herself – so I kind of gritted my teeth and used it too.)

Sans was managing to make a perma-grin look dismayed.

I have to say, I was impressed with the unhappy-smiling Sans sprites in the game!  I try not to ever describe Sans as frowning, but probably something’s slipped through at some point in the vrillion words of fic I’ve written.

She brought up the texts, ignoring him for the moment.

hey, was wondering if you wanna do a human history movie night with me and Pap tomorrow???

Then the next day:

super last minute, sorry.  watched Cooking w/Killer Robot marathon.  maybe next week? something w/giant swords??? YEAH!!!!!

And then:

Is everything ok?  Miss you.

And finally:

Did I do something wrong?

"Oh no,” she moaned.

“That bad, huh,” he said, sympathetically.

“Oh nooo,” she repeated.  "Oh no, oh no, now she probably thinks I’m terrible and –“

"Alphys.  Wow.  Relax,” said Sans.  "I came over to check on you and make sure you hadn’t been, I don’t know, eaten by lab rats or something.“

Sometime I really need to write the companion piece to this, where Papyrus and Undyne come up with this terrible idea for a puzzle.  And I have to work in a scene where Undyne is worried about Alphys and goes from dashing off carefully carefree-seeming texts to VERY CAREFULLY PUNCTUATED TEXTS BECAUSE WHAT IF ALPHYS THINKS SHE’S A BIG DUMB LUNK??? but it never occurs to her that Alphys might be anxious about replying to her.

"Eaten?!?” she asked.  Did he… did he know?  Augh, when had she last fed the amalgamates, anyway?  Two days ago, maybe?  Ugh, that was too long, they were going to be all grumpy when she went downstairs next.  She tried to keep breathing and not panic.

He held up his hands to pacify her.  "Hey.  Hey.  I don’t know why but everything I say’s making you panic.“  He nudged the box towards her.  "Look, have a donut.  Everything’s better with donuts.  It’ll make you feel hole again.”

Hole puns are the hole reason I included donuts in this fic.

Alphys winced despite herself, then sighed.  "Okay, yeah.  Sorry.  I���m.  It’s – it’s been a hard few days.“

"Yeah?” he asked.

She nibbled at the donut half-heartedly.  "So uh.  You mentioned the tile puzzle thing?  I’m having trouble with the piranhas.“

Sans snorted.  "I’m sorry, just  – there are piranhas?  Why are there piranhas?”

“They were in the specs Undyne gave me!” Alphys said, trying not to get defensive.

“Sounds very fishy to me,” said Sans.  "Anyway, why not just make robot piranhas?  I mean, that’s your forte, isn’t it?“

man, Alphys hasn’t told Sans about anything in this fic, and he apparently doesn’t tell her about anything either.  I like how they’re friends who lie their faces off to each other on the regular.

Oh god, robot piranhas would be about ten times worse.  "It’s not making the actual piranhas, as such,” said Alphys.  "It’s getting them to distinguish between lemon scent and orange scent.  Because, see, the request was to make sure they go after anyone who smells like oranges but be repelled by anyone who smells like lemons.“

Sans stared for a moment, and then, to her dismay, started laughing.  "What?  What?  You’re serious.  Oh man, I bet Papyrus came up with that one.  He’s – he’s pretty picky about his cleaning products, I guess that little difference is important to him.”  His grin widened a little.  "Papyrus is so great at those little details, you know?“

He’s laughing, but this praise of his brother is totally in earnest.  Sans may be the one who pays the bills, but I’m pretty sure Papyrus is the only reason their house isn’t disgusting.

"Sans, this isn’t f-funny!” said Alphys.  "Have you ever tried to train killer fish to distinguish between d-limonene and l-limonene when all they care about is smelling blood?!?  Because I have!“

"Yeah, that sounds like one l of a problem,” said Sans.  "A terrible knot you have to d-tangle.  Orange you glad I stopped by?“

"Sans,” said Alphys, beginning to lose patience.

There are several naming conventions for enantiomers, and originally this was S-limonine and R-limonine, with corresponding puns (I forget what they were, I just remember it was a pain in the ass coming up with new puns) but I think I googled and the d- and l- notation was more popular for limonene.

Like I’ve said elsewhere, this whole fic was largely an excuse for chemistry puns.

“It sounds like you need this problem like a fish needs a by… cyclohexane!  Lemon know if you think of anything I can do to help.”

“Sans,” she said.  It was starting to become more of a whine.

“Citrus me, I got this.  I don’t rind helping you at all,” he said, because he was a merciless bag of bones.

She glowered at him.  Then she took the box of donuts away from him.

CAN YOU BLAME HER THOUGH.

“Hey!  I was eating those!” he protested.

“Tough,” she said.  When he leaned over to try and reach them, she harrumphed and stood up.  Getting to his feet was apparently too much for Sans, because after one last halfhearted sitting lunge, he gave up and sat serenely on the picnic blanket.

Alphys carefully balanced the box of donuts on top of a stack of papers on her desk, then slid an empty mug underneath it for added support.

If you have never done this with a stack of papers, ….I envy your tidiness.  And if you’ve never done that dumbass thing where you try to lunge for a thing just out of your reach and then try to spontaneously develop telekinesis to bring it over to you… you’re fucking lying.

With a few keystrokes, she brought her computer out of sleep mode and was drawing up her data on the piranhas.  "I’m not really sure h-how you can help?“ she said.  "I-I mean, if you can it’d be great, obviously, b-but… don’t you do, uh, physics?”  Her memories were kind of fuzzy on this.  Why did she know Sans again?  When had she met him?  It wasn’t that important, was it?  Everyone knew Sans.

AND AGAIN, I can’t decide what Alphys knows about Sans in this fic.

“Yeah, but, everything’s physics in the end, right?” Sans said, a shrug in his voice.

She finished her donut before saying, wryly, “That’s what physicists tell themselves.  I g-guess if it helps you sleep at night…”

For whatever reason I was fortunate not to hear this much from the physics majors in school.  (The math majors, on the other hand….)  But I’ve seen them do it a lot on the internet and so I have to admit I’m kind of fond of writing chemists and biologists being dismissive about it.

“I sleep all the time,” Sans said cheerfully.  She wondered if he was ever going to get up and come over here eventually.

“Undyne has mentioned,” she said.  "So, uh, w-what exactly do you think is so physics-y here?“

"Well.  It’s not so much the physics, I guess,” he said.  "It’s just that I’m really good at cheating.“

She reached absently for another donut, opening the box without looking at it and reaching inside.  Her claws closed on something rubbery, and before she could stop, it was making a ridiculous farting noise.

She pulled the whoopee cushion out of the box, and turned to look at Sans.  He hadn’t moved an inch from where she’d left him, and was snacking on a donut he definitely hadn’t had before.

She sighed.  "Y-yeah, I can see that.”

I think at this point I’d seen a lot of Sans-being-badass art, and kind of wanted someone to react to him with an eyeroll.  Not that I don’t think Sans isn’t badass!  Just, you gotta have that one friend who will call you on your bullshit.

She turned back to her computer screen and skimmed the data she had on her attempts at training the piranhas.  Ugh.  No statistically significant difference between any of the training methods she’d attempted and the control groups.

Sometimes she wished science worked more like it was presented in fiction: less waiting around for something to happen, more moments of genius and day-saving.  On the other hand, as it turned out, horrific abominations of science were a real thing.  Who knew?

notice how I carefully avoid references to specific anime!  because I’d pretty much only watched Ouran High School Host Club in full!  I think I remember double-checking with @thinkatoryprocess that horrific abominations of science was a thing in anime?

I have since learned many things about Fullmetal Alchemist, and in particular why I wasn’t supposed to watch it just after my dog had died.

“So, h-how exactly were you thinking of cheating?”  Her mind wandered to some of those weird diagrams she’d come across deep in the lab files, presumably belonging to the previous Royal Scientist.  "Are you thinking, um, t-time travel?  Because if I could find some way to breed selectively for citrus recognition they could evolve to–“

MY THIRD INSTANCE of “what the fuck does Alphys even know?  why bother making it consistent?”

"No,” said Sans, and she leaped back with a squeak of shock, because suddenly he was standing right next to her and he was speaking in a freaky hollow voice, and also the light in his eyes had gone totally dark and, and, what the fuck, Sans?!?  "…Heh, sorry,“ he said, and the little glowing dots returned, and the grin looked more natural.  "Just.  Trust me.  Time travel, not a good idea.”

She knew she shouldn’t ask, but she kind of had to.  "…Why?“

"Time flies,” said Sans.  When she frowned at him, he added, “They’re even more annoying than fruit flies.  And they get stuck in your teeth if you go faster than light.  It’s a real problem.”

Okay, yeah, she wasn’t gonna get a straight answer out of a guy who wore bedroom slippers everywhere he teleported.  Fair enough.

This last sentence is still one of my favorite summations of Sans as a character.

“Out of curiosity,” he said, “why didn’t you make robot piranhas?”

“Ugh,” she said.  "You know, I thought about it?  B-but then I’d have to invent the scent organs and I’m n-not sure I’m up to it.“  She wasn’t up to a lot of things, honestly.  She wasn’t sure why Asgore hadn’t noticed.  Or Undyne.  She was really surprised Sans hadn’t noticed, though.  He was weirdly observant.

So I did like no research on robots for this.  IIRC machines that do something similar to smelling are a thing, but I have no idea how they work.

"Nah,” said Sans.  "Just think lazy!“

A favorite motto of my boss, weirdly enough.

"But I don’t want to leave the piranhas out!  Then Undyne and your b-brother will be d-disappointed and I won’t be the ‘g-great Dr. Alphys’ anymore, I’ll just be a f-fraud.  They s-specifically requested piranhas!”

“So give ‘em piranhas,” said Sans.  "But play to your strengths.“

"I d-don’t know that I have any strengths,” she pointed out.

“Sure you do.  I mean, right now you’ve only been using biology.  Maybe you wanna get down to the nuts and bolts of the matter.  You made Mettaton, right?” he said.  She tried not to wince.  "And if you can make that guy a star, you’ve gotta be good.  Plus, I can’t help but notice you’re, uh, pretty good with optics.“

She blushed.  "The c-cameras?  They’re for – uh, for scientific observation?” she said.

“Riiight,” said Sans.  "I know what you’re up to.  You just wanna steal all my best knock-knock jokes, don’t you?“

"There’s no s-sound!” she insisted, but Sans was chuckling.  "…is that what you do at the door all day?“ she asked, frowning.  "I just thought you were, uh.  T-testing the structural integrity of the door.  And… talking to someone?”

“Nah,” said Sans.  "Who would I be talking to?“

"On the other side of the d-door?” she suggested.

both of these people, liars.  I’m not sure Sans will be wholly surprised to find out Alphys didn’t make Mettaton, but the robot body’s still pretty damn impressive.  And in the true pacifist ending Alphys didn’t seem real surprised there was someone behind that door.

He shrugged.  "Anyway.  Just some suggestions.  But if you wanna give up… hey, I can’t blame ya.  Papyrus will recover from his disappointment.  Undyne probably knew it was a crazy idea in the first place.“  He reached around her to grab another donut.  "Anyway, I gotta go on my lunch break before she finds out I’m slacking off here.  Text her back, though, she seemed pretty worried.  And try to do it before she and my bro burn the house down with her stress-spaghetti-ing?”

And obviously when all else fails, Sans’ go-to solutions are 1. taking a break, and 2. giving up.  Not always in that order.

“Thanks,” said Alphys, half-heartedly.  She turned to ask another question, but found she was sitting in an empty room.  "…I think.  …well, hey, at least I have donuts.“

Having donuts means she’s definitely better off than where she was at the beginning of the fic!  Also I appreciate Sans having the ability to just vanish, because for whatever reason describing people walking to the door and saying “goodbye” is really boring to me and always trips me up.

[artificialqueens]

Gods Of A Bad Religion (8)-Luci

an: back to writing! Don’t worry, there’s two more chapters after this still to come. You’ll understand what I mean later ;)

Thanks to @apatheticskeleton for betaing ❤️

summary: Alaska’s visit to the confession room results in Sharon taking drastic measures, a plan is made and things take a turn for the worst

tw: violence

The confessional was a weekly practice of which every student had to participate. The grand halls were full of students, lining up in neat rows.

Alaska brushed down her skirt as she waited impatiently. Her surname had resulted in her being towards the back of the row of girls. She was five letters, and approximately 30 girls, away from Sharon. Sharon, however, was close to Pearl, and Alaska watched nervously as they talked in hushed voices.

“She’s scheming you know. That’s her scheming face. Pearl’s always been an open book. Good job the nuns are too stupid to notice.” Violet piped up in passing. She was being walked out of the room, led by one of the younger nuns.

“You’ve been in there a while.” Alaska noted, her voice laced with accusation. Violet didn’t seem bothered by the suspicion, she just shrugged.

“Well, I have a lot to answer for. I’m sure you’ll be spending just as much time in there, apologising to the big guy. Anyway, what I needed to say is Sharon wants us to meet outside your room tonight. It should be easier since we’re all in fucking detention now.” Violet explained. She seemed cheerful, the kind of optimism that Alaska had forgotten was possible.

“I’ll see you then.” Alaska offered her a weak smile before Violet was dragged away. She grabbed Pearl’s ass as she walked by, earning herself a deafening scolding.

Violet just turned and winked at Pearl. Sharon rolled her eyes and laughed before meeting Alaska’s eyes from across the room. Sharon grinned, and Alaska found herself doing the same.

Sharon and Pearl were led into the confession room one after another, both as reluctant as each other. They gave Alaska a reassuring smile before she was left alone, stuck with girls whom she no longer saw as the same as her. After all she’d experienced, their undying, ignorant faith to the school and to God were alien to her.

“What’s it like in there? I heard if you don’t make a confession you get punished. Like, what if you haven’t done anything wrong?” One girl chattered to the girl behind her. She flicked her caramel hair behind her shoulders and pouted.

“Naomi, you’re literally a whore, I’m sure you have some confessing to do.” Her friend cackled.

Alaska stopped listening to the first years as the line got shorter and shorter. Before, her confessions would simply be accidental blasphemy or wrong thoughts, but she had no idea how she’d confess anything without the priest finding out. She bit her lip, focusing on the door where the other girls were taken through.

“Girls in row T-W, come with me.” A nun shouted to the girls in Alaska’s row. Great, she thought, she would be first.

“Miss…Thunder, please step this way.” Alaska was guided to the confession room by two nuns, each with her hands on the small of her back. They were making sure she wouldn’t run away. That didn’t inspire much optimism.

“Miss Thunder, good to see you. Now, I’m sure you have a lot to tell me.” The priest greeted from where he sat. Alaska tensed, noting the way he scanned her up and down. He could read her like a book; a picture book.

“Not particularly. Oh, I said ‘Jesus Christ’ when I was nearly strangled, I should probably apologise for that.” Alaska shrugged, staring the priest in the eyes. He made a 'hmm" sound and tilted his head.

“Oh? That’s all? I’m quite surprised that you still refuse to open up to me. There’s so much both myself and God would love to know.” The priest sighed.

“That’s not a problem, God’s all knowing. I’m sure he already knows what he needs to.” Alaska answered casually.

“Your wit has always been lost on me, Miss Thunder. But, I’ll ask you once more. Tell me what I need to know, or we’ll take other measures.” The priest warned, his eyes darkening. The confessions had quickly turned into an interrogation, and one that Alaska wasn’t prepared for.

In response, she simply shook her head stubbornly. The priest clicked his tongue before calling the nun over again.

“Take her through to the punishment room. See what she has to say next.” The priest instructed with a dismissive flick of his hand. The old nun nodded and took her to where the priest had directed them to. She looked on with pity as another nun held onto Alaska’s arm.

Alaska could only glance behind her as the priest called in the next girl and shot her a charismatic smile. Alaska scoffed.

The nun, one that was unfamiliar to Alaska, brushed her hair behind her shoulders. The touch was gentle, but Alaska shuddered anyway, anticipating the woman’s next move. She wrapped the ends of Alaska’s hair around her hand, blonde strands pulled across her hand like a brass knuckle.

The nun’s grasp of her hair was immobilising, and Alaska began to panic as her head was pulled back. The exposure of her neck terrified her, instincts kicking in and signalling danger.

“Take off your blazer, please miss.” The nun asked, gesturing to the black jacket they were forced to wear for formality at confessions. Alaska gulped and did as she was told, not risking disobedience when she was in such a vulnerable state.

The room she was led into looked like a wet room; with just a shower in one corner, resembling one from the 1920s.

“It’s an old method, but I guess you need something traditional to get you to confess. You know, we aren’t the bad guys. By confessing, you can go to Heaven. We’re helping you.” The nun offered, her grip still tight and threatening.

“I have nothing to confess.” Alaska argued through gritted teeth. The nun simply shrugged.

“Then we will have to condition it out of you. Hold your breath, it makes it easier.” Sympathy laced in her mechanical voice, the nun pulled Alaska into the shower. The hold on her hair was too tight for her to struggle or get away.

The nun pulled on a rope and, with a shudder, the shower spat freezing water onto Alaska’s face as it was held facing the shower head. She squirmed and sharply inhaled, the cold water shocking against her skin.

She gasped, the sound similar to that of someone being strangled, but it was barely heard above the rush of water.

She spluttered, kicking her feet to try and free herself from the nun. The water flowed constantly onto her face until her gasped breaths became pleas. Eventually, the nun’s hold loosened and Alaska sprinted to the other side of the room, coughing violently.

“I’ve been told to inform you that that will become a regular exercise if you continue to refuse confession. You will be escorted back to the Detention Sector now.” The nun guided Alaska through the rooms until she reached the familiar building she now inhabited.

She stood outside the door to the room she shared with Sharon; water still dripping from her shaking frame. She knocked at the door with her unsteady hands, skin chalky from the cold.

“Alaska? Fuck, what have they done to you?” Sharon opened the door and rushed her in, engulfing her in a hug.

“Jesus, you’re shivering like a chihuahua on acid. Let me get you a towel.” Sharon raced into the small bathroom, wrapping a towel over Alaska’s shoulders.

“I told you to just tell them we were looking for the key to the lacrosse store room because we wanted to practice. What is it with christians and not being able to lie?” Sharon shook her head.

“Th-the water was so fucking cold.” Was all that Alaska could muster as she collapsed onto the chesterfield sofa in the corner of their room. Technically, it was Sharon’s, but Alaska spent enough time there to consider it theirs. Sharon sat next to her and rubbed her arms, and warming her up as much as she could.

“As soon as you hear three knocks at the door tonight, Lask, we’re running. Pearl has family down the road, we’re going there. Okay? Fuck, I can’t stand seeing you like this.” Sharon sighed loudly.

Alaska nodded submissively, “get me out of this hell hole, Sharon.”

They had fallen asleep on the sofa, limbs entwined and each of their hands clasped together. Sharon’s warm breath on Alaska’s neck was a comfort, even in her unconscious state.

The quiet, gentle knock on their door woke Sharon up and she carefully moved Alaska off her lap. Pearl and Violet waited on the other side. Violet tapped her foot impatiently, nerves clear in her expression.

“Anyone getting a feeling of deja vu?” Pearl asked, her voice quivering. Violet wrapped her around around her waist, the frown on her own face deepening.

“It’ll work this time. We owe it to so many people. We have to get out of this place, for us, for Phi, for Alaska.” Sharon reassured, the strength in her voice weakening with her confidence.

“You really love her, don’t you? Let’s just hope you love her enough to get her out of this alive.” Violet spoke, her voice the most stable of the three girls.

Pearl sighed deeply and pulled the girls into a hug. Sharon accepted reluctantly, watching Alaska sleep over Violet’s shoulder.

“Baby, we have to go now. No one’s guarding us right now, the next guard isn’t scheduled for half an hour. Must be busy elsewhere, which is good for us. Come on, get up.” Sharon shook Alaska awake, laughing when she groaned.

“Where are we gonna go?” Alaska asked dreamily, rubbing sleep from her eyes.

“The back door leads to the sports fields. If we sprint, the forest isn’t too far away. Follow the river, cross it, and there’s our getaway. Easy.” Sharon explained, her soothing voice not doing as much convincing as intended. Alaska gave a determined smile and accepted Sharon’s hand as she pulled her to her feet.

“You ready?” Alaska whispered, standing close to Sharon.

“As I’ll ever be. Hey, we’ll be fine. If not, I’ll see you in hell baby.” Sharon grinned, the falseness of her confidence not being missed by Alaska. She didn’t question Sharon further, though.

“Come on, and be fucking quiet.” Violet hissed as she led them down the corridors.

To Alaska, they felt so much longer and more meandering at night. They wound round like a snake, and she worried about what might be waiting for them around each corner. She was relived each time they turned a corner and saw no one standing on the other side of the curved wall.

“We have a short slot when the door isn’t guarded. However, people are nearby. So be silent, no running unless we get caught.” Sharon instructed, her voice almost inaudible.

As Sharon had said, the door to the sports field was unlocked and unguarded. They stopped just before it, Sharon holding her arm out to signal silence. The others obeyed quietly, peering over Sharon’s shoulder to see outside.

“Follow me.” Sharon mouthed, leading the girls through the doors. The wind was sharp, sending a harsh chill down Alaska’s back.

They walked across the field, and Alaska cursed herself for being so impatient. She just wanted to run, to sprint as fast as her exhausted feet could. But she knew that would draw too much attention to them.

Alaska’s efforts seemed to be futile when the lights of the Detention Sector turned on. They all turned to look at Sharon, terror and panic written on their faces. They only broke into a sprint when they heard a distant shout.

A light wind whistled through the trees, taunting the students with their whispers. Branches stuck out across the path, and even in their panic they had to be careful not to run into them.

Someone was yelling at them, a faint light of a touch glowing dimly in the distance. Pearl turned around to see if she could see anyone, but Sharon pulled her forward. Rule one of being chased: don’t look back.

The stars had begun to brighten the sky since they’d first began their run, glittering across the shroud of dark night sky. Alaska considered it lucky that the moon shone so bright above them, or else the lack of vision would be a huge hinderance.

However, another voice inside her mind decided that the cosmic phenomenon would bring mischief and misfortune. She was superstitious, often blaming black cats or broken mirrors for her bad luck. She had a burning sensation in her chest when she thought about the danger a full moon typically brought.

The yelling had gradually gotten louder, and Alaska winced at the threats that were being shouted at them. She hadn’t realised she had stopped moving until Sharon tugged at her arm.

“Alaska, we have to go. They’ll get us if we don’t. Lasky, please.” Sharon’s voice faded like white noise as Alaska stood, frozen.

“I’ve already lost someone to this fucking school, I’m not losing someone else! I swear Alaska if you don’t grab my hand right now you’ll be sorry.” Sharon screamed, grabbing Alaska’s arm and pulling her. The forcefulness made Alaska gasp and drag herself back into reality.

Her feet moved before she was aware that she was running. They sprinted outside, through the lacrosse field that Alaska had once been so fond of. The forest opposite was only a quick sprint away, but all four girls sped up when they heard shouts from behind them.

Sharon still held onto Alaska’s hand as they ran between the trees for cover, “I’m so sorry, Lask.”

Alaska didn’t understand why Sharon was looking at her with sad, wide eyes until she heard it. It rang through the trees, disturbing the leaves as it ruptured through them.

Alaska recalled the story of Adam and Eve since she’d been taught it as a child. For their sins, they were sent away from the garden. For Alaska’s, for Sharon’s, for Violet’s and for Pearl’s; they got a bullet through the chest.