#it’s worth noting that I am still on meds

[temporal-arting]

the only way I’ve been able to slowly crawl out of my years-long depression is to see beauty in mundanity. I know it’s said over and over again and it’s so hard to see the world in this light because of the weight that chronic depression carries but I promise it gets easier with time. I see it when my cat wakes me up in the middle of the night to sleep on my chest. when a stranger is unexpectedly kind on a bad day at work. when something in a store reminds me of an old friend and it’s not painful to remember them anymore. when my mom sends me a photo of our family dog saying that she misses me. when my dad incorrectly uses emojis. when my roommate and I have long conversations that don’t feel long. when a friend looks at the menu for vegetarian options for me before choosing a place to eat. when I take the time to cook for myself despite me never thinking that I would ever be a person that has energy to cook. when I see the pond ducks roaming around my complex. when I read my middle school diaries and come to realize just how much pain I used to be in—and how silly and trivial the things I used to cry over are to me now. I swear with everything that it does get better.

[reginaofdoctorwho]

encouraging and not encouraging that i look up my new meds on reddit and find people having absolute shit times on it. fantastic would love to see that on the multiple papers my pharmacist gave me outlining "every" symptom i could get.

like pharmacist/doctor, you couldn't fucking tell me before i got started??

at least i know it is not just me getting fucked up again

[tojiscumdumpster]

⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ▶︎ •၊၊||၊|။||||။ knockout x renji abarai

✧ summary there’s no better way for renji to celebrate a big win than to spend the night with y/n.

✧ content warnings reader described as a black woman who uses she/pronouns. feisty!reader, chubby!reader x undergroundfighter!renji. modern au — no bleach verse. told in first POV — renji’s. mentions of stitches and bruises. usage of profanity, praise kink, cowgirl position, nipple play, facefucking — renji will finish in reader’s, squirting. terms of endearment — baby, sweetheart, angel, etc. reader and renji are in their late twenties.

✧ author’s note hello, hello. i am here with a fic that’s not jjk for once in my life, lmfao. this idea has been in my drafts since january 2023, and it was just sitting there collecting dusts on my old tumblr. but i said i was going to do more bleach characters, so here we go. first time writing renji, so if this ain’t how you see him, oops. still enjoy. also didn't really focus on the underground!fighter portion as much. but maybe i will if there's a next time. support me by liking, commenting, and reblogging this post. i would greatly appreciate it. AGELESS/BLANK BLOGS AND MINORS— DO NOT INTERACT.

I know she told me not to come by after the fight, but I needed to. 

 I won.

 I fucking won, and there’s no other way for me to celebrate winning ten thousand dollars than to be with Y/N.

 Well, that’s if she’s still not mad at me.

 Before I left for my match, we got into an argument. A huge one. She doesn’t like that I fight for a living, let alone illegal underground fighting. I mean—I get it. Seeing someone you care about constantly getting his ass beat isn’t a sight worth seeing. 

 But fighting is all I know. 

 I had a shitty childhood. Didn’t know who the hell my parents were since they gave me up at birth for adoption. Jump around in foster care homes until the mothers got sick of me and kicked me out in the streets. Survival was basically forced on me.

 Fighting is what kept me alive. For food. Clothes. A place to lay my head. Whether I lost or won, I know the reason why I’m alive today is because I’m a fighter. 

 It wasn’t until I was eighteen when I found out about the world of underground fighting. Ten years deep and I know nothing else. 

 Y/N knows this about me. She understands I didn’t have it easy and never judged me. But that doesn’t mean she agrees with my lifestyle. 

 She came to a few fights in the beginning. Eventually, she got tired of seeing me stitched up almost every weekend. 

 Shit, me too. 

 However, after tonight, I feel good about my future wins. I busted my ass in training, so now I don’t have to hear shit about anymore losses. 

 Even if right now I’m stitched up and have a black eye. I feel good.

 Great.

 Better if Y/N opens the door after keeping me waiting out in the cold for the past ten minutes. 

 I know she’s awake. She has a habit of staying up late, studying for med school. And plus, I haven’t messaged or called her yet. Despite her not showing up to my fights, she still wants an update afterwards that I made it out alive.

 “Y/N, let me in,” I say, knocking loudly on her apartment door. “You know I don’t care about making a scene.”

 After a few more obnoxious knocks, the door finally swings open and I am met with deep russet skin, tight curls, and chocolate-colored eyes that pierce an annoyed look in my direction.

 “What do you want?” She bites out. “I’m busy.”

 I smirk and hold the bag of money in the air. “I won.”

 “Congrats.” Her tone is flat and she tries to slam the door in my face, but I placed my foot to stop it from closing. “Seriously?”

 “Yes, seriously. Are you really still mad at me?” I teasingly ask. 

 “You won. I said congrats. What more do you want?”

 I shrugged. “I’m locked out of my apartment.”

 She arches a brow at me, already recognizing my bullshit ass excuse of being locked out of my apartment. 

 Y/N knows me. She knows I would do anything to be in her presence, so going back and forth in forty degree weather is pointless. 

 Her pretty brown hues travels across my face and body, examining the stitches and bruises that probably has her wondering, who the fuck treated him? 

 Me. But that’s besides the point.

 A deep sign escapes her mouth when she realizes I’m not going anywhere until she lets me in, so she opens her door wider and turns her back to me to walk further inside her apartment. 

 “Sit,” she orders, which I happily do so while chuckling to myself. 

 While Y/N goes to the bathroom (assuming she’s getting a med kit to fix my shitty patch job), I take advantage of staring at her round ass that’s barely covered in those tiny boy shorts. Every step she takes it jiggles, creating an ocean of waves I’m eager to swim in.

 I get comfortable while I wait, taking off my skully, sweater, and any other form of heavy clothing that would cause me to sweat in her heated apartment. 

 “I’m going to start charging you if you keep fucking coming to my apartment like this, Renji,” Y/N snapped, walking with the kit in her hand as expected. 

 “Outside of paying for your tuition, I can think of other ways to repay you.”

 She rolls her eyes at my suggestive comment. “Get over yourself, Abarai.”

 I let out a snort before she stands in front of me and tilt up my chin to start making work on my face. 

 She’s cute when she’s mad. Huffing and puffing while whispering slick comments under breath. But how she’s handling my face by moving it around with force rushes blood straight to my groin.

 I’m getting hard.

 Hard as shit, and it’s not helping that I’m in close proximity with her. 

 That jasmine lavender scent that circulates through my senses. Looking up at her full lips that’s coated with gloss. Then, lowering my gaze to her tits that’s big, naturally saggy, and pretty. My mouth is watering at the sight of her nipples hardening.

 And I don’t know if it’s because she feels that I’m checking her out or the coldness outside is affecting her. 

 Either way, I’ll act on it.

 Taking it upon myself, I grab the back of her thighs to pull her on my lap. As if she’s used to my antics, it doesn’t catch her off guard and she continues to clean up my wounds. 

 “You’re all bloody up with a black eye and somehow you still have the energy to be a pervert,” she retorts.

 I move one of hands to her ass, massaging comforting circles. “For you? Yeah.”

 The quiet between us was comfortable until she opted to speak again. “So… who’d you fight?”

 “Some huge motherfucker. I thought I was going to die.”

 She leans back to grab more alcohol and dabs it above my brow. “Maybe that’s what needed to have you stop fucking fighting.”

 I throw my head back to laugh, but she grabs my chin to bring my face forward. “Like you want me dead.” My hands creep beneath her cheeks to pull her closer to me and apply more pressure to my cock. “That’s what you want?”

 “That came out my mouth, Abarai?”

 “Why are you still mad at me?” 

 She scoffs. “Why am I mad that you’re practically coming to me everyday with a busted face and broken ribs?” That’s one thing I love about Y/N—her feisty personality. It turns me on so fucking much because I know when I fuck her, it’ll be a different story. 

 Continuing, she says, “I think I would be a little more satisfied if you did this professionally as opposed to underground. Underground doesn’t come with insurance, Ren.”

 “Aw, you care about me that much?” My question was supposed to be posed as a joke, but the look on her pretty face says otherwise. 

 “Fucking asshole. I don’t know why I still deal with your ass.”

 “Probably because you love me.”

 “Probably not.”

  Gripping her hips, I pull her with me and lean back into the headrest of the couch. We’re inches away from our mouths cooling and I take advantage of this proximity by basking in her sweet smelling breath and beauty. 

 Simply because Y/N exists, my cocks hardens for her. Holding her in my arms. Feeling her pussy against my erection and breasts suffocating pressed on my chest. Girlfriend or not, she’s mine.  

 And she knows it. 

 I can see how she looks at me, even when mad, that she cares and loves me. Y/N is a tough girl. I can only imagine what she’s been through. Still, she manages to soften up just for me. 

 We never made it official since she doesn’t approve of the underground shit, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop asking. 

 “So when are you going to say yes to being my girlfriend?” I whisper.

 She tries breaking from my embrace, but I tighten my grip. “Renji…”

 “You feel my dick pressed against you, right? It only makes it harder when you say my name like that, Y/N.”

 “Be real with me… will you keep doing this shit forever?” Her eyes waver as she awaits my answer and I can’t help the guilt from pinging my chest. 

 “If it lessens my chance of being with you, no.”

 She searches my face for hesitance or deceit, however, she finds nothing because I meant what I said. Y/N is the only person that looks at me like I’m a human, and I wouldn’t let my obsession with fighting get in the way of our future together. 

 How she tucks her coil behind her ear and nips down on her lower lip shows me the bit of vulnerability she reserves for me.

 So—I take advantage of it. 

 In less than three seconds my lips were on hers. I take my time relishing those sweet, plump and plush, strawberry flavored lips.

 I can feel the skepticism from Y/N while kissing her, maybe because she’s trying to put on this show that she’s still mad at me. But soon, her rigid body melts into mine and returns the kiss. 

 Our heavy breaths mingle, increasing in speed the more aggressive we lock lips. She begins rolling her hips onto my cock and I let out a grunt, feeling the moisture of her pussy liquefying on me. 

 The slaps I leave on her ass are harsh, causing her to bite my bottom lip and suck it into her mouth. Y/N is so fucking aggressive it drives me nuts. She gives me a high and adrenaline not even a fight could give. 

 “Pull your dick out, Ren,” she orders through muffled moans and our kiss. 

 “Fucking bossing me around to give you cock? Not mad at me anymore?” Y/N ignores my taunt and works her hands between us to untie my sweats. I hiss at the feel of her cool hands engulfing my dick to give it a few pumps.

 She must not know what her touch does to me. She handles my cock like she owns it, and gosh, I fucking love that shit. My fingers gently tangle into her coils to deepen our kiss, but she soon gets up to strip her clothes.

 Fuck… Fuck, she’s so goddamn sexy. I’ll never get tired of her thick body, filled with soft dips and curves. I look at her, observe her like she’s an expensive piece of art hung up at a museum because that’s what I see her as. 

 Pretty pussy leaking arousal and I smirk to myself, thinking how she had all that attitude earlier while being wet for me like she didn’t want me inside of her.

 “You’re fucking beautiful. You know that?” I ask, massaging her tits and looking up at her. “You still have that attitude or are you going to come ride my cock like a good girl?”

 She gently pushes me back against the couch with her lips on mine and straddles my lap. “Depends on if you’re going to be a good boy and take this pussy.”

 “Shit, angel. I will.”

 Y/N hums while reaching around to align my cock with her sex. Two seconds later, she slowly sinks down my length until I’m buried into the hilt. That soft lingering fuck that slips past her pretty lips sounds sexy as hell and has my dick twitching in response.

 I can’t bust now. Not yet. Even if the tightness and heat of her pussy pushes me off the edge of a mountain. Her pussy is so warm, so fucking warm, fat, and wet. Gosh, I don’t ever think I can be without this pussy. 

 I throw my head back and savor this feeling, but Y/N had other plans for me. 

 “Remember to look at me when I’m riding you, Ren,” she coos. “Eyes on me, baby. I want you to see how much I love this dick inside my pussy.”

 Fucking Christ. “Tell me how much you love it while bouncing on me.”

 And she does just that. Telling me how big and girthy I am, that she’s sorry for giving me attitude and admits that she just wanted dick. But no. I want her to fuck me like she’s mad. I need that type of energy pumping through my veins after this win tonight. 

 I reassure Y/N and tell her to fuck me harder. Her pace quickens and slaps her ass fervently against my cock. I can’t stop moaning her name. The wet slippery noises coming from her pussy increases in volume and it creates a mess between us. 

 This is where I belong, deep in her pussy and feeling her walls squeeze the hell out of me. I don’t even hold her hips or waist. I relax comfortably with my arms sprawl over the top of her couch, watching how gorgeous she looks while fucking what’s hers. 

 “Oh, fuck, Renji,” she moans, tugging her lips inwards and lolling her head to the side in complete pleasure.

 Those perfect, full tits bounces in my face and I can’t help but stare and become mesmerized. Light marks that resemble tiger stripes decorated the valley of breasts. Her nipples, pebbled and straining underneath my gaze, look desperate for my touch.

 I take it upon myself to pinch them between my fingers and a soft shriek escapes her mouth, further arching her back. 

 Y/N keeps getting wetter by the second, every bounce she makes. And hearing her sticky arousal, I know and see how she’s creaming my cock.  Purposely, I sit myself on the couch, thrusting up in her a bit to feel my head hit her g spot.

 “Ren, help me little,” she begs through a whimper. “Fuck me back.”

 I caress her cheeks with the back of my head. “Yeah? You want me to help you, sweetheart?”

 “Please.”

 God, I love it when she’s needy for me like this. 

 In no time, my hands are at her waist and my thrusts meet with her jumping movements. Y/N isn't loud when it comes to her sounds of pleasure. Vocal, yes. But right now, her moans and whimpers are louder than usual. 

 It’s like she needed my dick inside of pussy just as much as I needed it. 

 I see the desire in her brown hues. I feel the heat radiating off Y/N’s skin while my fingers dig into her flesh, holding her in place to pound upwards into her pussy. 

 This is what I wanted—to fuck my girl after a well deserved win. And she’s going to congratulate me how I want. 

 My lips are at her neck leaving wet kisses and sucking her flesh until purple specks form. “Coming home to this good fucking pussy. Gosh, I love how you feel, angel. Going to fucking mean it now when you say congrats?”

 “Congratulations, baby,” she purrs, slamming harder on my cock. “You did good… so damn good, Ren.”

 I hum, dragging my tongue along her neck. “That’s what I wanted to hear.”

 Y/N continues to gasps out her pleas for me to fuck harder. I comply… I comply in helping my pretty girl come and savor the look when she washes over me. My grips are firm on her waist, betting that’ll leave marks when she wakes up the next poor, and drive my cock deeper into her pussy.

 I’m in pure awe. I feel my own releasing catching up to me the more I watch her take me. This is my woman. My fucking girl. I come home to this every night after every fight to hold her in my arms and fuck her. 

 Her name from my mouth sounds like a broken record when I moan her name. This fat, gushy, slick and tight pussy has this power over me. She won’t stop fucking squeezing me, I can’t prevent my face from growing hot. It’s intense how I feel right now, and it’s all because of Y/N.

 “Good, good fucking pussy. God, you’re so fucking good to me, angel face,” I rasp, pecking her lips. “You’re going to come for me?”

 “Yes, Renji, baby. I’m going to come. Keep giving me that dick. Please don’t stop, please.”

 “Put your fingers in my mouth.” She does quick with my command. I suck on her digits and coat them well with saliva before pushing them out of my mouth. “Now rub your clit, pretty girl. I wanna see you squirt everywhere.”

 Because she’s overwhelmed with arousal, Y/N stops bouncing on my cock and allows me to fuck her while she plays with clit. Her mouth hangs gape, drool slightly coating the side of her mouth and breathing heavily. 

 My balls slap her ass. My head kisses her soft cushion repeatedly. Her velvet walls transfer warmth to my cock and the bubble that rests in the pit of my stomach is on the verge of explosion.

 I’m about to come. Hard.

 But I need her to come first.

 “Fucking come for me, Y/N. Keep playing with that pretty pussy and moan my name,” I grit out, pushing past all my thrusts. 

 “Right there, Renji. Keep fucking me right there… I’m–oh, fuck–I’m coming.”

 She’s so pretty when she comes. Dark brown porcelain complexion, slick with sweat. Eyes rolling to the back of her head. Pussy clenching and unclenching around my cock. Moaning, whimpering my name back to back. 

She’s breathless. Flawless. I have this image of her painted perfectly in my mind. Watching Y/N come, makes me come, so I make quick work to pull her off my lap. And she knows exactly what I want–to fuck my release down her throat.

 Her mouth is as warm as her pussy, and I let out hitched breaths and harsh grunts when she swallows me whole. I’m relentless when forcing her head down on my cock as I facefuck her. The gurgling noises she makes are obscene. Pornogrpahic, even. 

 And what caused my come to shoot through her mouth is seeing that she’s still massaging her clit, eventually squirting all over her wooden floors. 

 My hips stutter and I throw my head back to moan into the air. “Fuck, Y/N! That’s my fucking girl. Look at you making a mess while choking on my cock and swallowing my come.”

 Y/N takes it upon herself to wrap her lips tighter around my cock and massage my balls, ensuring every single last of my nut has released in her mouth. I take it for a while, but I soon become sensitive, practically feeling my skin being sucked off.

 “Easy now, angel,” I say through an airy chuckle. I pull my cock out and her mouth echoes a pop sound. 

 She whines a little because I’m no longer in her mouth and it causes me to smirk because it wasn’t too long ago where she acted like she hated me. 

 My hand grasps her chin and guides it upwards to meet with my eyes. “You swallowed for me, Y/N? Open up.” She nods, sticking her tongue out. “Perfect.”

 “You’re going to fuck me again?” She asks, catching her bottom lip between her teeth.”

 Gosh, this woman will be the death of me.

tags: @dejwrld @hvshinas @diamondoidxx @xxjazzxx @thegirlwonder1 @ryukenzz @maiapuhpaia @elitesanjisimp @amyrahrose @sweetpeachies @abigolemess @linastired @diorsbrando @starrygetou @niya729 (if i didn't tag you it's because tumblr wouldn't have your user pop up)

[bvidzsoo]

Who am I? (Part 2)

Author: bvidzsoo

Warning: manhandling, smut, cursing, violence, toxicity

Pairing: Jeong Yunho x female reader

Word count: 14,7k

Summary: Jeong Yunho remained an enigma to you despite knowing him for over two months now. An extraordinary med student by day and a menacing gang member by night. There wasn't a label put to your relationship, and you liked it that way, but what happens when you finally face a disagreement, which makes you question the whole meaning of whatever is between Yunho and yourself. Is it really worth it for you? Or are the feelings too strong already to break it off?

A/N: Uh...yeah. I advise you check out Part 1 before reading this, thank u!! A second part was really unnecessary BUT I saw one picture of Yuyu and uh...my brain decided to work on its own and come up with a continuation, lol. But I think I'm finally ready to end their story as it is in here (unless I randomly get inspired again, save me). Tbh, this took an unexpected turn even for myself lol, I'm giving the side eye to Mr. Jeong Yunho currently. He's not that toxic, uh, but he's got it in him ngl, excuse this little silly guy for now. I hope you enjoy and your feedback is always appreciated! Enjoy now! ^^

⟨Part 1⟩

            There wasn’t a label to our relationship. We just…were. The two of us, together, in some weird way. I don’t know how we worked out, or why we worked out, but two months later Yunho and I were still hanging out and…sleeping together. It was a peculiar feeling—not knowing what we exactly were—but it was also freeing. I knew I didn’t have to question us; Yunho just brought that sense of safety with himself. Even in my previous committed relationships I haven’t felt this safe—this assured that the person next to me was fully committed to me, and only me. Yunho was—the same. He was still weird in my eyes even if I have grown somewhat used to his behavior. To the Jeong Yunho everyone knew from university, and the Jeong Yunho who seemed to be truly him. I knew both sides of him by now and it made me think that he’s just simply a versatile person, as he had early in our relationship said, he had a colorful personality and he wasn’t afraid to use this to his own advantage. He knew how to portray himself to be liked by those around him, but he wasn’t scared to let his ‘darker’ side show through when the situation called for it. He was intriguing, and he certainly knew how to keep you focused on him—locked in. He was like a vice, one you could never let go of unless someone noticed that you were withering away and finally offered help, a shoulder to lean on. I wasn’t sure if that is where I stood currently, if I needed someone to help me out—to take me away from him. I didn’t even know if I wanted my life to—be like it was before the two of us knew each other like this.

Yunho was mysterious and he never disclosed anything about himself if it wasn’t necessary, I only knew the basics about him. He loved coffee, but would prefer a tea rather than the iced energizer. He struggled to go to sleep early and often his nights were ridden with nightmares, causing his sleep to be restless, thus he was often tired in the mornings. Surprisingly enough, he was a morning person, and enjoyed going on morning runs, no matter the weather. Yunho loved staying in on the weekends to watch cheesy movies, and perhaps if this came as a surprise, his talent in baking came as an even bigger surprise. He was resilient and hard-working, not once slacking or behind on his assignments, only urging me on to do my own as we often sat down to study together. And he had money—more than necessary, in my opinion—yet never flaunted it around. Not in a very obvious way, of course, unless he was taking us out on dates in high-end and super fancy restaurants on the rich side of the city, sending me over-priced silk dresses with a note attached to it, Wear it tonight. Yunho was distinctive in every sense of the word and he was certainly luring me in more and more as time passed. I couldn’t tell whether that was smart or not, there were plenty of things I still didn’t know about him. His secrets were well kept, yet sometimes I could see through the cracks. He was in a gang and he was doing illegal things, things which perhaps were dangerous and would certainly drive me away from him if I knew about them. But Yunho made sure I remained oblivious to them as much as I could and I never complained—unless it started directly affecting me.

The halls of our university were busy as everyone was in recess, walking down the hallways, everyone headed to their own business. I was done for now, I only had one more class later in the afternoon, but Yunho wouldn’t be free until late in the afternoon. The weather was extremely beautiful today, compared to the chilly and windy days we’ve had these past weeks, and so we took advantage of that as we hoarded outside the university’s cold stone walls, soaking up the sunlight as best as we could as we were sitting on a big blanket spread out in the grass. Mingi was with us, laying on his back as he had a book above his head, eye narrowed and nose scrunched as he had lowered the book uncomfortably close to his face.

“Hey,” He spoke up, nudging Yunho with his foot as Yunho was sitting by him, “hand me your sunglasses. You don’t need them.”

Yunho hummed once, busy eating his salad full of nutrients, before he took his sunglasses off his head and threw them at Mingi. I continued underlining the important information from my book for my upcoming assignment, sighing loudly when I realized I still had ten pages to flip through. The warm sun still didn’t have its full power, but I welcomed it dearly as my skin craved its warmth. I never dealt well with the cold, broody, winter days. My sigh caught Yunho’s attention, however, and his eyes found mine as I glanced his way.

“What’s the matter?” He asked quietly as he scooched closer, mouth full of his homemade salad.

“Nothing.” I mumbled and went back to underlining another sentence as my eyes quickly ran over the fancy words, trying to connect them to what I knew would be useful for my research.

“Want some help?” Yunho asked quietly, settling in a comfortable seat next to me, his broad shoulder knocking into mine as he bumped our shoulders together lightly. I shook my head wordlessly and continued diligently working as Yunho quietly finished his lunch and Mingi turned around, laying on his stomach as he raised his legs and started lightly swinging them in the air. It was a cute sight; it brought a smile to my lips as I glanced his way. Mingi had class in half an hour and he decided to hang out with us when he saw Yunho and I walking down the corridor. Mingi and I were in different groups, therefore our timetables differed at times.

“Is this for your latest assignment?” Yunho asked as he placed his empty container back into his backpack, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He wore a grey hoodie over a beige turtleneck today, tucked into his favorite light blue, washed out, ripped jeans. It was the first time he didn’t wear his usual colorful outfits to university, and it certainly had turned some heads in the morning when his leather jacket was on him as well.

“Yeah, got two weeks to finish it.” I mumbled defeated, catching the slight thumping of my head. The breeze lightly picked up and brushed my copper strands against my face, until Yunho’s long fingers curled into the strands and pushed them behind my ear. I glanced at him from my peripheral and noticed him looking at me deeply, his brown eyes warm and light in the sunlight, like an amber cracking in the lively fire. I couldn’t help but softly smile, my body softening as I leaned into his side, his presence calming. Mingi let out a long sigh and there was a quiet thump as he let his head fall on his book, placed on the blanket. I chuckled as I watched his theatrics, Yunho straightening his right leg and kicking at Mingi’s foot.

“What’s got your knickers in a twist today, princess?” Yunho teased his best friend, earning a groan from Mingi.

“Shut up,” He moaned out in frustration as he pushed himself up, checking his wristwatch, “I fucking hate the professor I have class with in fifteen minutes, I don’t want to go.”

“Don’t go then,” I pipped up, grinning at him, “I’ve got the notes. I’ll let you have them.”

“Aren’t you a sweetheart, Y/N?” Mingi grinned for a second, running his hands through his black hair, ruffling it up, “But he doesn’t like me and has a personal vendetta against me, so I gotta go. Two more weeks and I’ll never have to see his face again.”

I raised my eyebrows at Mingi, about to destroy his fantasy, “Until our next module with him, which is in like…three months.”

“Shut up.” Mingi groaned as he got up from the blanket and dusted his jeans off, grabbing his book and backpack, pocketing his phone as Yunho handed it over to him. He thanked him quietly and checked his wristwatch again, very clear on his face that he didn’t want to go, “See you around.”

“My sunglasses.” Yunho reached a hand out, patiently waiting for Mingi to hand them over, but the younger one just chuckled and stuck his tongue out at Yunho.

“You wish. These are mine now.” And with that, he took off, making Yunho huff next to me as I chuckled, amused by their antics. Besides myself, I think Mingi is the only person who knows how Yunho is—who he truly is.

“That rascal.” Yunho muttered underneath his breath and I smiled, going back to the remaining six pages I still had to read, “You sure you don’t need help?”

“Yeah,” I hummed, “You’ve helped me enough before.”

“And I’ll keep helping you, it’s not a big deal.” I raised my head and turned to look at Yunho as his eyebrows were slightly furrowed, his expression serious. He looked calm, his mind probably quiet for once. He was a man who’s thoughts ran miles per hour. My fingers itched to reach out and to be run through his hair, massaging the skin of his nape, but I refrained from doing so—the two of us were never too affectionate with each other out in public. It’s not because we were keeping whatever was going on between each other a secret, it’s just that neither one of us was a big fan of showing intimacy in front of others. Yunho was subtle with it, and I just simply refrained from such gestures, feeling uncomfortable by strangers seeing us and judging us for what we were doing. But there were little moments when we both gave in to these urges, and I watched as Yunho leaned forward and pressed his soft lips against my right cheek, lips lingering against my skin as he breathed out against it, nose pressing against my heated skin. It came naturally that I flushed whenever he kissed my cheek, it felt intimate, sweet even. Something which was a nice change when it came to Yunho, who was a passionate and reactive man, indulging to his urges and whatever he was feeling in the moment.

“I should head home soon, have lunch and sleep some before my class.” I spoke up as Yunho finally pulled back, eyes soft as his lower lip jutted out.

“Want me to drive you home?”

“No, the weather is nice, I’ll walk.” Our serene ambivalence was broken the second there was a shout of Yunho’s name and a rushed man running our way, his brown hair disheveled as his backpack slung messily around on his back. Wooyoung wore a bright red jacket and black jeans so long it made me wonder how he hadn’t faceplanted already as he neared us. He had a wide grin on his lips and I felt Yunho shifting, his body pressing more firmly into mine, almost pushing me away.

“Hi, guys!” Wooyoung greeted loudly, disturbing the few people around us who had the same recreational idea in mind as us. Wooyoung was panting as he leaned forward, placing his hands on his knees.

“Hello, Wooyoung.” I greeted him back politely. He was one of Yunho’s friends, an obnoxiously loud man, but with a pure heart and good intentions. He was blunt, but also very caring. He was a free spirit which his small body couldn’t fully contain, bursting with the light he had to offer to the world. Wooyoung was a literature student and he absolutely loved what he was studying, often quoting something from the books he’s read or was currently reading. He had his nose in a book at all times, it was endearing to see. However, despite Yunho never voicing it, I felt the distaste he had towards the boy. Perhaps it was the shameless flirting Wooyoung seemed to be doing with everyone around him that Yunho disliked so much, and he often whatnot made it quite visible when Wooyoung hung out with us—at least when I was around too. Or so Mingi had told me one afternoon as we had hung out between classes, grabbing a coffee. Despite Mingi and I being in the same major, our somewhat friendship only kicked off after I became a prominent person in Yunho’s life. Figures it would have happened at some point, it seemed to me that Mingi was the most precious person to Yunho after himself—he could be quite selfish at times.

“What are you up to?” Wooyoung asked animatedly and I chuckled, closing my book. I have decided I have had enough for today.

“I was just about to head home, don’t know about Yunho, though.” As I went to grab my bag, I felt a heavy arm draped around my shoulders, Yunho’s long, cold, fingers curling tightly against my shoulder, squeezing lightly. I paused for a second and looked back at him, one eyebrow raised, but he didn’t spare me a glance as he was looking straight at Wooyoung.

“I’m headed to the library. I’ve got two hours before my next class.” His voice was cold, yet he had an eerily friendly smile on his lips. Wooyoung paid him no mind as he grinned and nodded, grabbing his phone out of his pocket as he tapped away on the screen. I placed my book into my bag and glanced at Yunho when he still didn’t release me, “Care to join me?”

Wooyoung nodded eagerly as he put his phone away, pushing his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans, “Sure, I’m waiting for my cousin to come pick me up. But until then we could hang out. I’ve got a new book I have to start reading, the timing is perfect, if you ask me.”

“Sure.” Yunho chuckled, but it lacked any friendliness. Wooyoung still didn’t seem to notice it. I cleared my throat and threw Yunho a look as I peeled his arm off me, getting to my feet. My bottom had gone numb at some point and I shook my legs out, groaning at the stabbing feeling in my feet.

“You’ve gone numb?” Wooyoung asked with a chuckle as he watched me amused, and I nodded with a grin.

“Sure did, I think I’ve been sitting in the same spot for an hour now.” I said as I grabbed my bag, but was surprised to find Yunho holding onto it, and not letting go. I raised my eyebrows at him and noted how his jaw was clenching tightly, eyebrows slightly furrowed. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask whether he was alright or not, but him suddenly standing up took me off guard.

“Shake it out like this—” Wooyoung speaking up got my attention as I turned my head to look at him, feeling Yunho’s looming presence over my shoulder as he pressed up against me, firm chest flushed against my back. Wooyoung was goofily jumping around, shaking his ass rather than his legs, and it made me laugh at the imagery in front of me. My laughter prompted Wooyoung to laugh as well, making him stop his antics.

“Thank you, but I think I’ll refrain from shaking my ass around and disturbing the people around us,” I said amused, making Wooyoung pout, “I’m sure they didn’t sign up for it when they decided to enjoy the sunlight—which is slowly going away.”

I sighed sadly, the clouds gathering around as the breeze was picking up, urging me on to zip up my coat. I looked back at Yunho and signaled for him to hand me my bag over, however, the displeasure in his expression took me off guard. It’s been long since I have seen him this hostile. Perhaps since the last time we had gone out on a date and the waiter kept flirting with me the whole time as if Yunho wasn’t even there at the table, sitting with me.

“Hey, if it’s sunny tomorrow too,” Wooyoung suddenly proposed, eyes shining with excitement, “Want to go play some basketball? It’s been long since I played, but I’ve still got it in me—promise.”

I hummed in thought and yanked my bag out of Yunho’s hold when he wouldn’t let go still, giving him a small glare. What was up with him? He’d been fine just minutes ago. Why was he acting up all of a sudden?

“I mean, I’m not big on sports, but I could definitely use some exercise.” I turned to look at Yunho, “Yunho? What about you?”

“I’m not into basketball.” He fired quickly, throwing a glare Wooyoung’s way, but the younger one was either really good at ignoring the murderous look on Yunho’s face or he just simply didn’t notice. The later was probably better, but it was also only angering Yunho more.

“Sure, you don’t have to come. I’ve got other friends who like it, Y/N, I’m sure you’ll like them.” Wooyoung was babbling on, obviously not noticing the simmering anger in Yunho’s eyes. I cleared my throat and smiled tensely, a little off-thrown by the situation, by Yunho’s behavior, “I’ve been wanting to introduce you to them for a while now.”

Yunho scoffed loudly, and that finally caught Wooyoung’s attention as his eyebrows lightly furrowed, confusion written all over his face as I cleared my throat awkwardly.

“Sure, sounds cool.” But I forced a smile on my lips before clapping my hands together, and taking a small step away from Yunho’s side. I needed to get going now, “I’ll be on my way though, enjoy your time in the library, you guys.”

“Have a lovely afternoon, Y/N.” Wooyoung called cutely, a dimple showing as his lips were pulled into a big smile.

“You too, Wooyoung.” I smiled back at him before turning to face Yunho, wanting to say my goodbyes to him as well, except that I was greeted by a big hand wrapping around my jaw and pulling me forward as he painfully crashed his lips against mine. A surprised noise left the back of my throat, eyes wide as Yunho forced my lips apart with his, slipping his tongue inside my mouth. He’s never done anything like this in public before, and I found it hard to react as I was taken aback, heart suddenly racing in my chest. Before I could reciprocate the kiss, Yunho was already pulling away, my lower lip between his teeth as he bit down on it painfully, making my eyebrows furrow as I grabbed his wrist and pushed his hold off my face, giving him a glare but a confused look as well as my lips were pulsing, hot, and coated with Yunho’s saliva from the messy and aggressive kiss he had just given me. I didn’t want to vocalize my thoughts, which would’ve been a loud what the fuck, Yunho, so I just deepened my glare as he stared deeply into my eyes, anger still simmering in them. His irrational behavior had no sense and I shook my head when I realized he was turning this into a staring contest, of who would give in first—that being me, of course, as I wasn’t in the mood for childish games. Besides, I knew Yunho hated it when I dismissed him, and that’s what he deserved for the behavior he had just exhibited. When my eyes fell on Wooyoung again, he was looking away awkwardly, cheeks flushed as his lips were in a tight line. I felt sorry for him and also humiliated when I felt Yunho trying to close the gap between our bodies, but I cleared my throat and stepped around him.

“Okay, goodbye.” I said loudly as I gave Yunho a pointed glare, Wooyoung’s wave weak as I turned and stalked off, leaving the two males behind. And I knew Wooyoung wouldn’t hang out with Yunho today, the older one’s attitude too off-putting for Wooyoung, who was simply nice and friendly with me. And if Yunho texted me later today, he certainly wasn’t getting a reply. I did not like being treated like an object, like a doll. And I certainly did not like being presented as someone who had ownership over themselves by another person. It was the one thing Yunho never truly, fully, understood during our relationship as he was a possessive and overly protective man. I would not be branded as his, nor treated like a piece of doll.

            It had been a few days since Yunho and I had spoken, due to a multitude of reasons. The most pressing one was the way he acted when Wooyoung had approached us, and perhaps the fact that he saw no faults in his attitude when he texted a half-assed apology later that evening. But another reason was life catching up with the both of us. I had to take up more shifts at the convenience store as I was starting to run short on money while the deadline to pay my fees at the university was dangerously nearing, and Yunho had not long ago started his residency at the local hospital. He didn’t have a fixed schedule yet, but he preferred taking the night shifts more often than not, sometimes letting me stay overnight at his apartment alone. I never understood how he does it, but whenever I woke up there was homemade breakfast laid out on the table nicely in his living room, with Yunho freshly showered and scrolling through his phone as he lazily dried his hair with a towel. I would often walk up to him and help him out, taking the towel out of his hand as I rubbed it against his damp hair, making Yunho sigh loudly when I would run my fingers through his hair, softly massaging his scalp. Usually in the mornings nothing much was said between the two of us, and I preferred it that way. I liked the calm and quiet, having the chance to sort out my plans for the day I had ahead of me. But it’s been almost two weeks since I slept over, and I couldn’t help but sigh as I realized I was thinking about Yunho again. We’ve never fought before, never even went a day without texting each other, even if just briefly. It was a little unnerving to realize how big part of my life Yunho had become, how his absence was unsettling and left me feeling agitated and unsafe. I should have known better that allowing him into my life would bring consequences, and even if we weren’t a defined item, I didn’t know where we stood now that we weren’t talking. It was probably my fault, I was the one ignoring him, but I felt like this was my last attempt at trying to get him to understand that he couldn’t just claim me and make me his propriety. I hated these things; they made me feel dirty and uncomfortable.

As I was wiping the counter clean, earbuds in and bobbing my head to the music as clients had been quite scarce today, I heard the bell chime loudly over my music, quickly making me switch it off and take the earbuds out. I watched as a tall man walked inside, all-bulked up underneath the black turtleneck and form fitting jeans he wore. We looked at each other and I welcomed him, his face concealed by a facemask and a low hanging baseball cap. The sight wasn’t unusual, it didn’t ring any alarm bells in my head as I went back to wiping off the dust from the counter, crouching and putting the rag away once I was done. I grabbed the can of soda I had put away for myself and cracked it open as I stood, startled when I found the man right across me, the counter separating the two of us. He was alarmingly tall, perhaps taller than Yunho himself, and I had to tip my head slightly back to look him in the eyes. The guy had sharp eyes, dark, yet warm. I was sure I haven’t seen him around here before and I took the cup of ramen he pushed towards me wordlessly, scanning the item quickly.

“Want anything else?” I asked the customer in a monotone voice, keeping my face neutral, “We’ve got a promotion if you buy a drink of your choice with the ramen.”

The man made a humming sound before he nodded and stalked off towards the fridges, my eyes following his every move. He looked intimidating like this, with his face concealed and clothing dark. And the fact that he wasn’t talking was unnerving as well, but I pushed such thoughts to the back of my head as he returned with a can of soda identical to mine.

“This good?” He finally asked, voice not too deep nor raspy, slightly cracking at the end. I had to admit, he had a pleasant voice and I slightly relaxed as I nodded, scanning the soda in as well.

“Yeah, it’s a mix of grape and something lemony, the sparkling water really elevates the taste of it.” I answered him and the man nodded, grabbing his wallet out of his long coat’s pocket as I took a bag and placed his items inside, closing his tab. I let him know the amount he had to pay and took the money when he pushed it towards me, ignoring the way his finger brushed against my skin. It made me shiver, but I hoped he didn’t notice. His touch was cold and it reminded me of Yunho’s cold hands holding my body firmly. I quickly grabbed the change and handed it back to the customer, making sure our skins didn’t touch again as I flashed him a generic smile, thanking him for purchasing at us.

“Do you often work here?” He asked as he took off towards the door, making my eyebrows furrow as I glanced at him uneasily.

“Sometimes.” I chose to stay ambiguous as the man nodded once before saying his goodbyes, prompting me to do the same as I watched him leave through the glass door and then windows of the convenience store. I shook off the uneasy feeling as the man got inside a vehicle, one which looked slightly familiar, but I couldn’t figure out why and from where. But the little voice inside my head told me that I had seen it before. Before I could dwell more on it, a peculiar sight blocked my view of the strange customer leaving with his car. Yunho had pushed open the door of the convenience store slowly, his warm eyes falling on me and holding my gaze. I wouldn’t have thought not seeing him for a few days would send my heart into a frenzy as I took in his appearance, wavy hair concealed by a black fuzzy beanie with white stars on it. His jacket was missing despite the chilly breeze outside, but I suppose the fuzzy grey and white sweater which reached his knees was enough to keep him warm enough. He wore leather pants, and the longer I looked at his outfit the more it looked like he had borrowed his clothes from Mingi. Lately, Yunho had been experimenting with his clothing, and I could’ve sworn I saw Mingi wearing the exact same sweater Yunho was wearing right now. However, what made my mouth go dry and heartrate increase faster was the huge bouquet of blue Hyacinths he was holding in his hands, expression leveled until he reached the counter, leaning his hips against it. I remained silent as I watched Yunho, hands slightly shaking as I pushed them behind my back, clasping my fingers together. In all the two months we’ve been seeing each other, Yunho had not once given me flowers. It was an unusual sight and it was slightly unnerving, new, but it felt good.

“Hello,” He greeted quietly, searching for my eyes as I avoided eye contact. I was still irritated that he didn’t want to understand me and listen to me, but I knew one look at his face would make me forgive him instantly, “Uh, you’ve been ignoring me.”

I hummed as my eyes fell on the blue Hyacinths, their scent strong and refreshing. I’ve always loved these flowers; they were the harbingers of spring. I remained silent and Yunho sighed, suddenly moving. I finally looked up as the bouquet of Hyacinths was placed on the counter and pushed towards me, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like it when I act like that, but it’s who I am, Y/N.”

I rolled my eyes but accepted the flowers as I took them from Yunho, cradling them against my chest as I looked down at them, closing my eyes as I sniffed their strong perfume, sweet yet biting, “I’ve missed you.”

It was the lack of hesitation he said it with that made me look up at Yunho wide eyed, mouth going dry at his sudden confession. Yunho rarely voiced his emotions, often times only being vocal about them during sex, which wasn’t a huge problem to me, but it would’ve felt nice sometimes hearing him talk about them without being buried deep in me and high of endorphins.

“Yeah,” I muttered after clearing my throat, feeling shy all of a sudden, “Life’s been quiet without you.”

Quiet, yet so chaotic as my thoughts were plagued with Yunho. I didn’t feel like letting him know that, it felt like I was overstepping some invisible boundary we have set. Yunho, though, seemed to understand as he hummed and nodded once, reaching over the counter and taking my hand in his as he pried it away from the bouquet. His palm was searing hot and his metal rings cold as they pressed against my skin, and I sighed, squeezing his fingers between mine, biting my lower lip as I looked down at our joined hands.

“Let’s hang out tonight,” Yunho proposed, voice quiet, “The guys invited me out, but afterwards you could crash at my place.”

I hummed and nodded without much hesitation, agreeing to his plan. I didn’t have it in me to turn down his invitation, I have missed him too. I wanted to spend time with him, I wanted to be close to him again.

“Seonghwa said Sooyoung was coming too.” Hearing my friend’s name made me smile as I finally looked up into Yunho’s chocolate brown eyes, noting the happiness written all over his face. He was probably glad I wanted to hang out with him, finally not dismissing him anymore.

“Cool, I’ll talk to her and we’ll go together.” I spoke up, making Yunho pout as his grip against my hand tightened, “We’ll be spending the night together either way, I haven’t had the chance to hang out with Sooyoung this week yet. I miss her.”

“More than me?” Yunho raised his eyebrows and I chuckled, softly prying my hand out of his and crouching down to try and find something I could place the bouquet in.

“Bros before hoes.” I cracked a cheeky smile and it made Yunho laugh, a sound I rarely had the chance to hear. It was usually him the one making me laugh, it felt good being able to make him laugh. I grinned as I watched Yunho chuckle to himself before composing himself and stepping back as I found a little glass vase, perfect to hold my bouquet of blue Hyacinths until I went home, “Text me the details.”

“Sure, I’ll see you later, angel.” He winked and I ignored the way my cheeks instantly flushed, never quite used to Yunho’s flirty side as it rarely made its appearance. I stood up and waved as Yunho left the convenience store, eyes on me until he rounded the corner, making me grin as my eyes fell on the flowers and remained on them. Perhaps he could bring me flowers more often, I wouldn’t mind.

            After finishing my shift, I met up with Sooyoung at her place, the two of us cooking some nice late lunch and gossiping about everything we haven’t told each other through text. It seemed like her and Seonghwa were going out now, but they weren’t quite in a relationship yet. She said this was working for her as she wanted to make sure Seonghwa truly was the man he portrayed himself to be, and she then asked about Yunho and I. She knew we haven’t talked in a while, so I told her about him showing up with flowers and confessing that he had missed me. It sent Sooyoung into a giggling mess, amusing me as I watched her ramble on about how Yunho should just ask me to be his girlfriend already, since everyone around us seems to be thinking that we are boyfriend and girlfriend. I reassured her that I didn’t need a label to feel comfortable with how things were between us, and Sooyoung confessed she was jealous of that, she could never be this easy-going. She needed the utmost security before entering a relationship. I could understand her.

After talking to Yunho, he sent us the location of the BBQ place we were meeting at, and told us to be there at eight sharp. I wasn’t in the mood to head home before leaving to said location, so Sooyoung let me wear one of the pretty dresses she owned. It was a black off-shoulder, long sleeved dress, and it reached just above my calves, the fabric warm and form fitting. I styled my hair in simple waves and applied a coral lip-gloss on my lips, matching the color of my hair as Sooyoung grinned at me while wearing her cute, but casual clothes as well. It wasn’t often that I wore dresses, but tonight I wanted to look nicer than usually, and, besides, this dress was one of the few clothing items Sooyoung owned that actually fit me as our height difference stopped us from sharing cute clothes with each other. She was half a head taller, the dress on her was a lot shorter than on my form, but it still looked nice. I had packed my clothes in my backpack and promised Sooyoung I would give the dress back once I have washed it. After finishing up and making sure everything we had used for our hair was unplugged, and the makeup put away, Sooyoung locked up and we left her apartment.

By the time we reached the BBQ place the streets were busy with people roaming around to find entertainment as it was a Friday evening, and the pub Yunho told us to meet them at was buzzing with life, filled to the brim with people. As we walked inside, I noted there weren’t any empty tables as Sooyoung craned her neck and looked around for the people we were here with. And she quickly found them. They were sat at a large round table, towards the middle of the room, and the table had already various flavored Soju bottles littered around, with the meat being grilled by Mingi as we came to a stop next to the table. It seemed like a few seats were empty, and Yunho wasn’t here yet as I looked at the familiar faces, searching for his. Seonghwa and Mingi looked at us at the same time, and Mingi was happy to see me as he said hi loudly, talking over the hubbub of the pub. Seonghwa was quickly on his feet, pressing a swift kiss against Sooyoung’s red lips, making her blush as she timidly greeted everyone sitting at the table. She sat next to Seonghwa, and as I didn’t know which seat was taken or not, I opted to play it safe and sat right next to her after Seonghwa assured me that the seat hadn’t been claimed yet. Jongho sat at the table, an empty chair between him and Mingi, right across from me. He seemed to be busy with his phone, greeting us hastily before he went back to it, fingers moving fast as he was typing. Mingi shot him a few glances, but didn’t say much to him. The seat to my right was empty, but not for long. Suddenly, I heard loud and shrill laughter coming from behind, and as I turned, I watched as Wooyoung was talking to someone taller than him, holding three bottles of undone Soju in his hands. The man he was talking to pat him on the shoulder before he beelined it to a different table, Wooyoung coming to a stop next to me. He looked ecstatic to see me, and I chuckled.

“Hi, Wooyoung.” I said with a laugh as he stumbled a bit, slamming the Soju bottles on the table accidentally, making Jongho glare at him.

“Careful.”

“Sorry.” Wooyoung pouted at the grumpy man before taking his seat between Jongho and myself, clapping his hands together, “Hi, Y/N! I haven’t seen you in quite a while.”

“Just four days or something.” I muttered with a chuckle and Wooyoung grinned, undoing the grapefruit flavored Soju.

“Yeah, and those are more than enough to make me miss you.” I rolled my eyes at the blatant flirting, but failed to notice the sharp gaze Mingi sent Wooyoung’s way as he had heard his words. Even Seonghwa paused for a second as his lips pulled into a straight line, but Sooyoung quickly had his attention once again, “Want some?”

I nodded eagerly as Wooyoung poured some Soju for me and I nudged Sooyoung with my elbow, raising an empty glass at her, “Want some?”

“Sure.” She grinned and Wooyoung poured some for her as well, “We have some catching up to do. These guys already finished four bottles.”

“We’re only half an hours late, please.” I said with a laugh before Wooyoung, Sooyoung, and I clanked our glasses together, downing the Soju. The taste of it was sour, yet not unbearable at all, and I took the Soju glass before pouring another shot for myself. Wooyoung grinned as encouraged me and poured himself another one as well, downing it at the same time with me. I groaned and thanked Jongho as he pushed his untouched Fanta towards me, letting me take a few sips before I handed it back to him. He seemed to be done with whatever he was doing on his phone as he had his hands clasped together and placed on the table, watching Mingi and giving him instructions on how to grill the meat better. Wooyoung chimed up next to me, but suddenly I felt big hands pressing against my bare shoulders, making me stiffen as my back straightened. I quickly looked back, but upon seeing Yunho’s towering form looming over me, I relaxed.

“Hi.” I said with a small smile, goosebumps erupting on my skin as Yunho’s calloused hands slowly dragged closer to my neck, his forefingers pressing into my nape. Yunho’s expression was neutral as his eyes slipped onto Wooyoung for a split second, and I didn’t miss the way his jaw clenched. It took me a few seconds to realize, and I sighed as I gave Yunho a look, begging him not to start this again. Wooyoung was just a friendly guy and whatever he said and did, it wasn’t anything serious. He was Yunho’s friend for fucks sake, it was Yunho who introduced us to each other. If he couldn’t stand the guy, why the hell did he continue hanging out with him—why did he even introduce me to him? I wanted a nice night out, not a tense filled evening where I couldn’t even look in Wooyoung’s direction without Yunho blowing up from anger.

“Hi.” Yunho muttered and he leaned down, his face close to mine. I looked in his eyes questioningly, waiting for him to make the first move. His nose twitched and I knew he hated all the eyes on us, but nonetheless, he still pressed a lasting kiss against my lips, keeping his eyes open as I didn’t close mine either. I gave him a warning glare as he pulled away and stepped back, his hands leaving my body as he tapped Wooyoung on the back a little too harshly before he took off towards his seat, which was in between Mingi and Jongho. I chuckled and shook my head for a second, amused but irritated at the same time. Sooyoung gave me a questioning look as I poured her and myself some Soju, Seonghwa and Mingi having a heated debate about whether the meat was better overcooked or undercooked. Jongho seemed to be disgusted as he voiced his opinion that it was only perfect if it was in the middle. I felt a small nudge against my wrist on the table and I looked towards Wooyoung, who was looking at me shyly, scratching the back of his neck.

“Do you think I make Yunho uncomfortable?” He whispered as he slightly leaned closer. My eyes fell on said person quickly, watching the way Yunho’s eyes darkened. I looked back at Wooyoung and forced on a small smile, feeling bad that I had to lie to him.

“That’s just how he is, don’t mind him.” I tried to answer as ambiguously as I could, but Wooyoung just pouted.

“So, he doesn’t like me.” He concluded and I frowned, feeling bad.

“He’s your friend, Wooyoung.” I tried, but Wooyoung just shrugged, “Of course, he likes you.”

“I mean,” He hummed and grabbed some peanuts from the bowl placed close to him, “not necessarily. We know each other through Jongho.”

“Yeah, and I question myself each day what was I thinking when I befriended you.” It seemed like Jongho was eavesdropping in on our conversation, but Wooyoung didn’t seem to mind as he made an offended sound, lurching towards Jongho. Jongho yelped as Wooyoung’s arms went around his neck and aggressively tried to press a kiss against Jongho’s cheek, making the younger one fight for his life. I started laughing at the small commotion, quickly stabilizing the stool Wooyoung sat on as it tipped towards Jongho, making him fall off.

“Enough, hey.” Seonghwa called out and grabbed his chopsticks, waving them threateningly in Jongho and Wooyoung’s direction, making the two settle down instantly. Jongho’s eyes could’ve killed as he glared at Wooyoung, but the boy seemed unthreatened as he sat back in his seat satisfied, grinning widely. I chuckled as Sooyoung and I looked at each other, her shaking her head. Mingi cleared his throat and motioned at the table.

“Meat is done, let’s start eating.” And so everyone dug in, Yunho’s eyes barely leaving me and making me almost choke on my food when I noticed. I raised my eyebrows at him, a silent question, but he didn’t react, face staying neutral. I just shrugged and continued eating, the food delicious and the meat well cooked, complimenting Mingi for his work, watching as a gloating smirk appeared on his lips. It made me chuckle as Jongho started arguing with him, telling him that the meat would’ve been worse if he didn’t help out, making Mingi hush him with an inoffensive threat. It didn’t take long for Wooyoung to nudge my wrist again, and I found it cute as I looked at him amused.

“So, uh…” He cleared his throat before proceeding with what he had to say, “I started this new book. It’s dark romance ad thriller. Want to hear about it? Maybe you’ll like it, I can lend it to you.”

“Sure.” I smiled and nodded my head, seeing from the corner of my eyes as Yunho took a big swing of his beer, eyes staring daggers at Wooyoung and me, but I ignored him. I wasn’t in the mood to focus on his jealous theatrics, and instead paid full attention to what Wooyoung had to say.

            And Wooyoung had a lot of things to say from then on, barely letting me pay attention to anyone else as he talked about anything that came to his mind, themes going from absurd to quite serious. It was nice to see the layers he had, and he was an entertaining person. I’ve always found talking to him quite easy, smooth, and flowing by itself. I tried not to pay much attention to Yunho, who looked more and more displeased as the hours went by, at some point turning his body in a way that he wouldn’t see Wooyoung and I anymore. It was childish, really, I was simply just socializing. I wasn’t giving any signals to Wooyoung, and he was also keeping everything cordial besides the little nudges he did against my wrist with his pinky. There was absolutely nothing to be worried about. Mingi and Jongho had gone out a few minutes ago to smoke their cigars, and for once, Wooyoung seemed enthralled by whatever him and Seonghwa were discussing at the moment, I hadn’t paid attention to them. The more time passed, the more drinks appeared on the table and it was quite visible that Seonghwa, Wooyoung, and Mingi were quite tipsy, Sooyoung’s eyes droopy, yet she refused to head home just yet. I hadn’t drank much, therefore it wasn’t hitting me and…Yunho had a high tolerance for alcohol; however, I lost count of how many beers he’s had. Probably more than necessary. As I looked up, I was startled to find Yunho standing all of a sudden, eyes deadly as they were set on me. I gulped, for a second feeling like I was in trouble, until I reminded myself that Yunho was just overreacting. I watched his tall frame, which was hugged by ripped greyish-black jeans and a simple black t-shirt hanging loosely around his torso, a silver chain dangling around his neck. Some while ago he started wearing a single silver earring in his left ear, and he had it on tonight as well. A few rings littered around his fingers and I felt my body tense as he walked around the table, coming near me. He stopped behind Wooyoung and grabbed my forearm.

“Come with me.” I couldn’t really say no as I was pulled up from my seat, legs a little numb as I hadn’t stood up in a while now. My eyes searched Yunho’s as he dragged me up to my feet and veered me in front of himself, making me walk as he followed close behind, his left hand gripping my waist tightly. My heart picked up a bit as I saw the confused looks on Wooyoung and Sooyoung’s faces, however, Seonghwa looked like this was normal. I didn’t know what to think as I licked my lips and realized Yunho was walking us towards the restrooms. I knew where this was leading, and it was certainly to an argument. And argument that I did not want to have in a pub’s restroom, but I guess I didn’t have much of a choice as Yunho held me firmly, not allowing me to slip away even if I tried to. There were three doors, one for the ladies restroom, one for the men, and a third one which said, employes only. As Yunho pushed me towards it, my eyebrows furrowed and I looked back at him unimpressed and confused.

“What are you doing?” But he was already pushing the door open and shoving me inside. If it weren’t for his hold on my body, I would’ve stumbled. I heard the door slam shut behind me and a click, making me open my mouth to chastise Yunho for whatever this was, but the wind was knocked out of my lungs as I was whirled around and aggressively pushed up against the door.

“I’ve fucking had enough, Y/N.” His jaw was clenched and his nose flared as Yunho glared me down, keeping me pinned against the door as my eyes widened, “I fucking told you I don’t like it when you’re with Wooyoung, and you go ahead and ignore me the whole fucking night while you’re all sweet with him. Fuck this, Y/N. Seriously.”

My eyebrows furrowed and I scoffed, trying to wriggle myself out of his hold, “You never told me you didn’t like him, nor that you didn’t like me talking to him, Yunho. Talking to him. Do you expect me to just fucking ignore every living soul which is a male because I’m with you?!”

The silence which followed was deafening, the tumult of the pub muffled by the door I was pressed against, and Yunho’s face said everything. He wanted me to ignore the existence of every male that wasn’t him. I scoffed and glared at him, yanking his hands off my body. He had loosened his grip on me, making it easy for me to do so.

“I told you that’s not who I am, Yunho, numerous times.” I snapped, pressing a finger against his firm chest, “I told you that you couldn’t expect me to bend to all of your wishes and let go of my own principles for you. I don’t give a single fuck who you are, Yunho, but if you don’t respect me, I won’t respect you either. You can be Jesus, you can be a mobster, the most dangerous man on Earth, and I still won’t allow you to treat me like I’m your personal toy, your little object you can claim whenever your dick stands up, Yunho.”

And Yunho said nothing as his breathing got heavier, because he knew I was right. Because he knew very well where I stood, because he knew and even said he understood, when I refused to get the tattoo he also had on his chest. I didn’t want to be branded, I didn’t want to belong to anyone or anything. I was my own person and if this is where things were headed, I wouldn’t stick around for longer. No matter how much Yunho started meaning to me. And maybe it was the fire in my eyes and the indignation on my face that prompted Yunho to understand that things would soon come to an end between the two of us if he continued on acting like this, but I’ve had enough and as I went to turn around and open the door, Yunho was suddenly on me, holding my face firmly in his hands as he pressed his lips roughly against mine. It took me a little while to respond and it made Yunho whine as his mouth never once stopped moving against mine, coaxing me into a fiery kiss as my hands fisted Yunho’s shirt at his sides, apparently giving him the cue to press himself up against me. I sighed into his mouth as his tongue pushed past my lips and licked into my mouth with urgency, his kisses desperate as his tall body molded perfectly against mine. He knew every tick of mine, every spot which brought pleasure, and every move which he knew made it hard for me to control myself. As he slanted a leg between my things, my fingers tangled into his black locks and I yanked on his hair harshly, making Yunho gasp. He broke off the kiss, but his lips were quickly on my jaw, leaving open mouthed kisses against it as he pressed his thigh more against my clothed core, making me grind down against it needily, little noises leaving my lips as Yunho sucked at a particular spot under my jaw, skin sensitive and igniting a fire within which spread through my whole body.

“I need you.” Yunho mumbled into my skin as he held my chin with his right hand while his lips travelled lower, sucking harshly on the skin of my neck, making me hiss out in pain. As if to prove his words, he pressed his lower half harsher against my body, and I could feel his bulge through his jeans, making me bite back a moan as my hips grinded against his thigh, making me bite my lower lip at the friction against my lower region. Everything was becoming hotter around me, my skin felt on fire and my mind began emptying out as Yunho’s musky cologne consumed my whole being, as his hands groped at any part of my body he could feel, his warmth mingling with mine, and his sinful lips pressing open mouthed kisses against my skin, and tongue licking at it afterwards. His left hand found my hips and guided them, setting a slow rhythm as I grinded against his thigh, a quiet moan leaving my lips at the pooling heat between my legs. The fabric was harsh against me, but it brought the little relief I needed, yet still not enough.

“You look so sexy, when I saw you I wanted to devour you on the spot.” Yunho whispered in my ear as he flexed his thigh, drawing out another quiet moan from me as I gripped his shoulders, arms going around him and pulling him more into myself.

“You’re so fucking hot.” I gasped out against his cheek as I pressed my nose against his skin, kissing his heated cheek, and grinding just a little bit harder against his thigh, yet it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t satiating enough anymore, and my body was on fire, and my walls were clenching around nothing, “Fuck, Yuyu, why did you start this?”

Yunho groaned and suddenly I felt his hands slipping down my legs, gripping the fabric of the dress harshly as he started hiking it up, “Careful, the dress isn’t mine.”

“I don’t give a shit about the dress, Y/N,” He bit back, voice strained as he bunched up the skirt around my hips and yanked at my panties, his hands frantically going to unbuckle his belt and undo his zipper and button of his jeans. I gulped as I looked down at Yunho’s length, hand reaching out and wrapping around his cock, squeezing it as I stroked him slowly, making Yunho throw his head back as he let out airy breaths, sounding close to choked back moans.

“Fuck, I’m going to fuck you hard, angel.” He suddenly opened his eyes and connected out gazes, gripping my wrist and pulling my hand off his length and he pushed his jeans and boxer further down his thighs. He gripped the back of my thighs and made me jump as he lifted me off my feet, my legs wrapping around his hips for stability as I held on to him with my arms as well, our bodies flush against each other. Yunho looked me in the eyes and I licked my lips before teasingly licking Yunho’s, his eyes darkening instantly. I chuckled, but my amusement was short lived as he aligned himself at my entrance and pressed in with one fluid moment, stretching me out and making my eyebrows furrow as I let out a loud gasp, pressing my forehead against Yunho’s as the stretch slightly burned. It had been more than a week since we’d slept with each other, and his size was something my body just never fully got used to. I gulped, but my throat was still dry as Yunho moved, pulling out and then pushing back in as he pinned me up against the door. His pace was slow and dragged out, taunting me and teasing me as he smirked, lips parted as he was lightly panting. My body was burning and my walls were pulsing around his length, as the friction wasn’t good enough anymore, making me whine as my nails dug through Yunho’s shirt and into his skin.

“Yunho, please.” I whispered against his lips as I moved my own hips, trying to get something more out of this, but Yunho just chuckled.

“You think you deserve it after everything you’ve done with Wooyoung tonight?” He nuzzled his nose against mine, and tears gathered in my eyes out of frustration as my hips desperately tried to quicken the pace.

“Fuck, Yunho,” I gritted my teeth at him, one hand untangling from around his shoulders and going to grip his neck, “We were just talking, for fuck’s sake—”

He suddenly pulled out almost all the way and slammed back in, cutting my words off and breath stilling in my throat as I gasped loudly, moan dying out in my throat, “Just talking, you say. Keep on talking right now, then. I bet you have something smart to say.”

And then he pulled out all the way and slammed back in, ramming my body back against the door each time, my toes curling as my legs tightened around his hips, pulling out wanton moans each time he did it, “Oh, Yunho—fuck—please pick up the pace—”

And he smashed his lips against mine as he started moving quickly, hips slamming back against mine as he quickened his pace, my walls clenching down tightly against Yunho’s dick as he moaned into my mouth loudly, hiking my body up higher with each one of his movements, my fingers tangled in his hair as I gripped on for dear life, trying to bite down my moans. Yunho’s pace was ruthless as he plunged into me faster and faster, his big hands gripping my thighs so harshly it surely would leave fingerprints on my skin. I moved down on his length, trying to match his rhythm as the pleasure was building up in my lower stomach, desperately needing more of Yunho as he groaned and buried his head in my neck, nipping on my skin as I pressed a hand against my mouth to try and muffle my moans, head thrown back as my back arched, Yunho finally hitting my sweet spot, and it made me clench around him as his length twitched, his teeth sinking down into my neck.

“You’re mine, angel—” Yunho gasped as I clenched around him again, my hips moving messily as I was chasing my own release, brain beyond fogged up and desperate to finish, “Mine. Tell me you’re mine.”

I whimpered as Yunho’s long finger found my clit and started toying with it, never quite rubbing it the way he was supposed to, frustrating me to no end as tears gathered in my eyes again, yanking on his hair hard.

“Say it, Y/N, you’re mine.” His voice was deep and dark, and I gasped as he started pulling me down aggressively on his dick, rubbing my clit harshly, my body shaking as my climax was finally building up, Yunho’s quiet groans getting louder as his voice was becoming higher pitch, close to his own release as well.

“I’m yours, fuck, Yunho, I’m yours.” I gasped out and quickly kissed him hard, our teeth clashing against each other as Yunho shoved his tongue down my mouth, muffling my keens as my walls squeezed around his length, finally the bundle in my lower abdomen exploding as my body shook, Yunho the only thing on my mind as I squeezed my eyes tightly shut. Yunho’s pace never once slowed down as he guided me through my orgasm, soon coming too as I whined against his lips, bodies flushed together as Yunho’s hips pushed against mine harshly, movements halting as he jerked his hips a few more times, his seed warm inside as we panted into each other’s mouths.

“Open your eyes.” Yunho’s voice was raspy and I licked my dry lips as I pried my eyes open, taken aback by the intense look in his eyes. They were completely dark, not an ounce of warmth in them, the chocolate brown now almost black as he suddenly held my chin tightly, tilting my head back as he glared down at me, “Get it into your fucking head that you’re mine, and no other man is allowed to touch you. You think I didn’t see how many times Wooyoung reached for your wrist? Let it happen one more time, Y/N, and I will fucking kill him. You’re mine.”

And as if to prove a point, he bucked his hips against mine, my walls involuntarily clenching down on his dick, my heart beating erratically. In all these two months of being with him, of spending hours and hours with Yunho, I had never seen him like this. The pure animalistic look in his eyes, the anger on his face, and the threat dripping from his tone…it scared me. It reminded me of who he really was, and it made me question if I wanted this. But could I flee if it came down to it? Would he let me? Or would he threaten to kill me like he just threatened to kill Wooyoung. Would—would Yunho really kill Wooyoung?

“Just let me down.” I managed to whisper, voice shaky as I averted my gaze, lightly pushing at his shoulders.

“Do you understand?” But Yunho didn’t budge, instead jerked my chin to make me look him in the eyes again. I clenched my jaw and gulped down everything I wanted to say.

“I do.” I snapped, eyes glaring back at Yunho as he finally slipped out and placed me on my feet, legs wobbly for a few seconds as I quickly pulled up my panties and pushed the dress down, gulping as I ran my fingers through my hair. Yunho quickly fixed himself, but the look remained on his face. The man standing in front of me wasn’t the man I thought I knew all this time, it was unnerving, “What if I want to end it? Right now. Everything. What if I want you out of my life, forever?”

A sinister smirk appeared on Yunho’s face as he placed his hands out, caging me against the door and himself again, dipping his head down. I gulped, but stood my ground, not backing down. I held his challenging gaze, fought against his attempt at trying to intimidate me, “Then I will brand you. And no other man will touch you ever again, angel. You think you want that?”

“Fuck you, Yunho.” I hissed and slammed my hands against his chest as I pushed him back, away from myself. My mind was a mess as I tried to sort out my thoughts, to calm my nerves and the anger blooming through my whole body, “Are you fucking obsessed with me? Or what’s your fucking deal?!”

I didn’t mean to raise my voice, but I had started shaking, and the way Yunho was treating this whole ordeal wasn’t helping. He looked like we were talking about the groceries we bought, his neutral mask slipping on again, his eyes lighter, but the glint still dangerous in them.

“Wouldn’t you want to know that?” His voice was light, but the chuckle made me shiver as I shook my head, “Let me tell you this. There are no coincidences.”

And without letting me to say anything back, he unlocked the door and pulled me to the side, opening it. He smiled sweetly all of a sudden and draped an arm around my shoulders as he pulled me into his side, pressing a swift kiss against the side of my head. I hissed, but didn’t pull away, eyes searching the hallway as we stepped outside, hoping that nobody heard us.

“And now we go back and you better not hide that beautiful neck of yours, angel, maybe Wooyoung will understand finally.” Yunho chuckled like he said the funniest thing on Earth and grinned at me as I looked up at him, dumbly realizing that he’d been biting and sucking at my neck to leave marks for everyone to see. I felt mortified at the thought of everyone from the table seeing, but what I wasn’t ready for was the way Wooyoung was sitting between Mingi and Jongho now, not once meeting my eyes when we returned with Yunho, as I took my previous seat with Yunho on my right. And he went back to talking and acting like nothing happened as Mingi, him, and Jongho continued drinking, Wooyoung sometimes joining in, but not as lively as before. Mingi informed me that Seonghwa and Sooyoung had left while we were busy, Sooyoung having fallen asleep on Seonghwa’s shoulder. It felt like the night I had hoped to enjoy to the fullest was coming to a disastrous end, and I couldn’t help but cringe when I felt Yunho’s big hand wrapping around my thigh and squeezing it, leaving his hand there until we had to leave. Without many words exchanged between Yunho and I on the way back to his apartment, I knew I would be held hostage at his place for a few days, not once letting me out of his sight.

            And even with three weeks passing since that incident in the pub, things were still tense between Yunho and I. I was wary of him, rightfully so. I stopped hanging out with him for a longer period of time or too often, letting life carry on as I realized despite always working on my assignments with Yunho, I was hella behind on them. Yunho might have helped me study more, but I was behind on important sketches I had to hand in in one week maximum, and my mind was a mess at the moment as I scrambled around in the library, very possibly late to my shift at the convenience store. Mingi was kind enough to come to the library and help me out, draw a few sketches himself so that I wouldn’t have much leftover for the weekend as I had a shift each day at the store. Despite Yunho and I not talking as often as before, Mingi remained close to me and never once pressured me into talking about what was going on. He never even once mentioned Yunho, usually me being the one to bring him up, even if briefly. Mingi seemed dismissive of the subject and had said that he genuinely grew to like me and considered himself my friend, therefore he was staying neutral as Yunho kept yapping off his ears about me. I felt grateful to Mingi, happy that he wasn’t pushing anything between Yunho and I like Sooyoung was. I couldn’t tell her the full extent of our fight, and thus, she didn’t really get it why I was making such a big deal out of it. And of course, because of this, she almost daily told me how stupid I was, and how much I was fucking up everything when Yunho was literally perfect, and perfect for me as well…but if only she knew the real side of Yunho, the one he never showed at university, she wouldn’t think so highly of him.

In the sparse time that we did meet up, it usually resulted in us simply fucking and Yunho trying to make me understand as to why he kept pressing the hand at matter, and why he was so possessive. I just couldn’t find it in me to hear him out anymore, and that often times lead to us fighting again, only to have furious make-up sex. Things weren’t going well; I couldn’t find the essence of whatever was going on between the two of us anymore. I hated the fact that I got attached to him, and I hated the fact that I continuously gave in to him when I knew this wasn’t good for me anymore. And Yunho just always knew what to say to pull me back in, but what was the worst, was that I could see the sincerity on his face and the pain in his voice whenever he told me that he missed me, and that he wanted things to go back to how they were just weeks ago. And to be honest, I wanted the same thing. I wanted to forget about this whole fucked up issue at hand and just live obliviously and happily with Yunho, but I couldn’t, not when Wooyoung couldn’t even meet my eyes and barely even talked to me anymore when we crossed paths at university. I have no idea what has happened, but it wasn’t hard to guess that Mingi and Jongho must’ve talked to him while Yunho and I were in the restroom at the pub. And quite alarmingly, Wooyoung had a busted lip the following day, raising my suspicions that Yunho took this way too far. But no matter how many times I pressed him about it, he just stayed quiet, he avoided looking at me, and even acted like he couldn’t hear me. It was frustrating, so after a while, I let it go. My mind was a mess and I didn’t know how to figure things out anymore. I needed space and time away from Yunho, but he swore that if I dared disappearing or going no-contact on him, he would turn the world upside down until he found me. The look in his eyes when he said that was more than scary, and I left with my body shaking that night and calling Sooyoung to ask whether I could sleep over at her place or not.

There were times when Yunho scared me, but most of all, the scariest was the way my trust in him had started fading away, not letting me rest for one second. If I couldn’t trust him anymore, what was I doing? Why was I pressuring myself? Maybe because I did believe that Yunho would do anything to get back to me, and the fact that Sooyoung was now dating one of his close friend’s and Mingi also became a good friend of mine felt like a web, like he was a spider and I was cornered from every part, tangled up in his well-calculated web. But there was also a part of me which wished to solve all of this, to just talk it out and put it past us, because my feelings were growing for Yunho the longer we were separated. I didn’t exactly understand why, but whenever we did meet, I felt like I was whole again. Like I was at peace with myself, like I was complete. I have never ever felt like this with anyone before, and it was scary. I didn’t want him to have such power over me, but I have long stopped being able to control such feelings. I just knew that despite him scaring me sometimes, he was just as attached to me as I was to him, and he had proven numerous times that he’d bring even the stars down for me if that’s what I asked for.

I had the evening shift at the convenience store today, and by the time I could finally close it up, the streetlamps had been long turned on, the moon high up in the sky as it was clear of clouds, a few starts visible here and there. The late evening air was nothing but fresh, not chilling for once, the breeze quite invigorating as I had started getting sleepy a while ago. I’ve had a long day at university, and Yunho had been also begging me to sleep over at his apartment as we hadn’t seen each other in three days. I didn’t feel quite ready to spend the night there yet, and therefore I kindly refused him and told him I still had to study, and I didn’t want to bother him as I knew he had to go to the hospital early in the morning for his residency. There was a strange feeling of déjà vu as I turned down the side of the building, nearing the narrow passageway between the two buildings to cut short my journey towards home, the last bus having left, I had no choice but to walk. For some reason I felt uneasy as I gripped my backpack’s straps tightly in my hands and fastened my walk, my heart picking up. I couldn’t see danger, but if my body was reacting like this, I knew it had a reason, and I had to get away from here as fast as possible. But not even ten steps away from the end of the passageway, I was harshly yanked back by my backpack, gasping loudly as I was pushed into the side of the building. For a second I wished it was Yunho as my heart almost exploded by how fast it was beating, and the flashbacks I had to the night when Yunho had to save me from those three creeps freaked me out even more. What if it were them? Coming back to taunt me now that Yunho wasn’t here? But as I tried to run, I was slammed back into the brick wall and held by the collar of my jacket, immobilized against the wall as a tall form loomed over me. I felt joy for a second, hoping it was Yunho, but the man was taller and his scent was unfamiliar. He was dressed fully in black and had his face covered by a black facemask, a black beanie concealing his hair as well. As I stared into his eyes dumbfounded, I came to realize with horror, that this was the same man who had once purchased something from the convenience store, inquiring whether I worked there often.

“What—what do you want?” I managed to stammer out, making the man’s sharp eyes narrow.

“Where’s Jeong Yunho?” How did he know Yunho? Why was he looking for him? As the man’s grip tightened around my collar, I quickly shook my head, body shaking from fear of what would happen to me now. Could this possibly be someone Yunho had problems with? I did hear him once talking on the phone, threatening to kill someone if they didn’t stop trailing him. And then I remembered that Chan guy, and it just made me shake even worse. I could see the satisfaction in the man’s eyes as my eyebrows furrowed.

“I don’t know.” I lied, but it also wasn’t a lie. I really didn’t know where he was right now, maybe he was at home. The man just tsked and shook me harshly, making me whimper as he leaned closer. I tried to keep my eyes clear of tears, but even my head was shaking from fear. He was too tall and too strong for me to even try to overpower him.

“Don’t lie to me, bitch!” The man snapped and I jumped as he was suddenly shouting while being all up in my face, “I know you’re Yunho’s whore, that motherfucker! Tell me where he is!”

“I swear I don’t know!” I screamed, eyes filled with tears finally, gripping the mans gloved wrists as he slammed me into the brick wall again, making me whimper, “Please, I really don’t know. Please—”

“Shut up, whore.” The man hissed, eyes narrowing as if he remembered something, “Do you have a tattoo?”

My eyebrows furrowed as a few tears ran down my cheeks and I gulped, about to shake my head no, but I suddenly remembered that Chan guy asking me the same thing. And then my mind was a mess as I racked through memories, trying to remember what Yunho had once said about being branded by a gang.

“Speak up, bitch!” The man screamed again and I quickly nodded, gulping as I tried to look as convincing as I could.

“Yes, yes, I have!” I tried to breathe through my nose, but it was hard as my throat was closing in on me, “An A—I—I have it. Ateez, isn’t it? You know them?”

“Fuck.” The man hissed, and I could see the hatred and venom in his eyes as he yanked me into himself. Yunho had once said that if you were branded by one of the gang members as their partner, nobody else from a rival gang could touch you, unless they wanted to start a war against that gang and every other one the respective gang was in good connections with, “You stupid whore, were you branded by Jeong Yunho?”

“Yes.” I nodded, head shaking as I started sweating, praying to God this man wouldn’t ask me to show him my tattoo. If I had to—I could only fear what would happen to me as I had lied through my teeth.

“Fuck!” The man exclaimed again and suddenly let go of me, but not before raising his fisted hand and making me scream as it came towards my face. I squeezed my eyes shut and braced myself for the upcoming pain, but it never came. I was on the verge of sobbing as I opened my eyes, and I was met with the view of the man cackling and looking satisfied as my legs gave out and I slid down onto the dirty ground lifelessly, watching as he looked at his hand proudly.

“Tell Jeong Yunho, sweetheart, that what I did today was a cordial warning.” He crouched down and raised my head by my chin, almost cooing at me as I was now crying, “And that next time he’d find you dead in a ditch if he doesn’t hand over all the money he’d made on selling our stuff, sweetheart, alright?”

I sniffed as I nodded, averting my eyes as the man suddenly leaned closer, masked face pressing against my ear as his voice dropped a few octaves, “I know you weren’t branded, sweetheart, Yunho is quite bad at keeping his mouth shut about you. Isn’t that dumb? Figures he’d be smarter, sweetheart, especially considering how secretive he is about everything else. Lovely chit chat we had, enjoy the rest of your evening now!”

My whole body shook with sobs as the man walked away with a skip in his steps, laughing at my agony as I pulled my knees up into my chest, burying my head into my legs as I sobbed harder, realizing that I could’ve died right here at the hands of this man. I couldn’t think straight as I shakily took my phone out of my pocket and blindly dialed the number I knew by heart now, trying to calm my sobs, but it wasn’t working. It only rung two times before he picked up.

“Angel—”

“Yuyu—” I gasped out, sobbing harder at the hear of his voice, “Please, please, come get me, Yuyu—”

“Y/N?!” I have never heard this much emotion in Yunho’s voice before as he sounded panicked, “Where are you? What happened?!”

“The passageway on the way home.” I managed to say in one breath before hanging up and continuing to cry curled up on myself and praying that Yunho would make it here as fast as he could. It wasn’t very far from his apartment, but he’d make fifteen minutes on feet, and I felt like fifteen more minutes spent alone would kill me. I couldn’t even think about that as another wave of sobs hit my body, lungs aching as I was heaving for air.

My loud wails died down at some point as I sat numbly on the cold and dirty ground, staring off into space as I clung to my knees, hugging myself to give as much self-comfort as I could. My body didn’t stop shivering and I suddenly heard the slam of a door and feet hitting the pavement quickly, making my body tense as I realized someone was approaching me again, and quite quickly. I flinched when I felt big, warm, hands around my biceps and I shook my head, slightly fighting against the person trying to hold me, until I heard their voice, “Y/N, it’s me. Yunho, Yuyu. What happened, oh my god, are you alright?”

And I looked ahead, eyes falling on the familiar soft face of Yunho’s, chocolate brown eyes filled to the brim with worry, and lips downturned as he looked like he was fighting his own tears. It made my own eyes fill up with tears again as I suddenly sprung forward, clinging to Yunho as he fell back without complaining, and allowed me to crawl into his lap as I held tightly onto him, burying my head in his pink hoodie, his cologne familiar and bringing the comfort I much needed. I started crying again, a lot quieter this time, as my body shook and Yunho lightly swayed us, holding me tightly against himself as he patted the back of my head with one hand. His other palm was pressed flatly against my back, making me wonder when had my backpack slipped off.

“I’m here now, it’s okay.” Yunho whispered into my ear as he pressed a chaste kiss against my temple, “You’re safe with me, angel, you’re safe. It’s alright, don’t be scared anymore.”

I sniffed as my tears somehow stopped falling, eyes dry and burning as I buried my nose into Yunho’s neck, tightening my arms around his neck as his body molded against mine, allowing me to disappear into him. Yunho kept pressing kisses against my temple, muttering reassuring words as he not once stopped petting my head. It felt like my mind and body finally calmed down, the aggressive shaking turned into a tremor and I tried to speak, but my throat was hoarse. I licked my lips and sniffed loudly, clearing my throat as I clutched at Yunho’s nape, closing my eyes as I pressed them against the warm skin of his smooth neck.

“Yunho, they—” My throat closed in one me and I had to pause as my lips trembled again, “He said he’d kill me next time.”

My voice was barely above a whisper and my body tensed as it felt Yunho tensing against me, his grip suddenly tightening against me. For once it didn’t feel restrictive, it felt safe, “He said, if—if you don’t hand over the money you made selling their stuff, I’ll—they’ll kill me.”

Yunho’s loud cursing took me off guard and the second he felt me tensing, he quickly quieted down and pressed again kisses against my neck, switching to mutter reassuring things once again, “They won’t ever again touch you, Y/N, I swear on what’s dearest to me. I won’t let them. Never. Ever.”

“Yunho, I—” I sniffed and pried myself slowly back so that I could look in his eyes, “I lied to them about the tattoo.”

I pressed a hand against his chest, where his own branded A tattoo was, and Yunho bit his lower lip, “But they knew I didn’t have it, Yunho.”

His eyebrows furrowed even more as his face was full of confusion, hand coming to cup my cheek as his other hand slipped to my waist, “How did they know…”

“They said you talk a lot about me.” My voice was quiet as Yunho and I looked into each other’s eyes, making him gulp as he looked shameful.

“Fuck, this is all my fault.” He let out a breath and my heart clenched seeing him like this, “Fuck, I’m so fucking stupid. There’s a mole in our gang.”

I just looked at Yunho as his soft features switched into one of pure fury, warm eyes on fire as he looked down to the side. My chest felt heavy as I was finally able to release a long sigh, chewing on my lower lip. If I was involved with Yunho, would I ever be safe? Was there really a guaranteed way to protect myself if he wasn’t around? Was there a way to prevent another situation like this one from happening?

“If I—if I get the tattoo,” My voice was quiet as Yunho slowly looked back at me, a newfound glint appearing in his eyes, “will they never again touch me? Will I be safe?”

“You’re safest with me.” The answer was instant, but then he nodded, “But yes, the tattoo is the closest thing you can get to keeping yourself as safe as if you were with me, angel.”

I gulped, feeling crestfallen at what I was about to ask, “Do you think I could get it tonight?”

I had no idea what the time was, but it certainly would be nearing midnight soon. Yunho’s face was rendered with surprise, until very slowly, a smirk appeared on his lips, cupping my cheeks as he pulled our faces inches away from each other, “Yeah, I know a place.”

I let out a shaky breath and closed my eyes as I nodded, “Okay, let’s go there.”

“Fuck,” A rasped breath left Yunho’s lips, “I love you. Y/N, I’m fucking in love with you.”

And before my eyes could fly open in shock, Yunho’s lips were pressing against mine softly, but urgently, making my whole-body light up with fire. I kissed him back with a newfound passion as my eyebrows furrowed and my lips moved against his firmly, trying to convey everything I felt into the kiss. I never thought I’d hear those words leave Yunho’s lips, certainly not directed at me, and it shook my whole being. The kiss didn’t last for long, but when Yunho pulled back, he pressed three more kisses against my lips, peppering my face with even more, making me melt into him.

“God, I’m so in love with you it’s painful, Y/N.” He whispered against my skin and my heart clenched at his confession, making me bite my lower lip as I opened my eyes. Yunho was already watching me and it surprised me seeing adoration written all over his face, in his eyes, on his lips as he pressed a small kiss against my nose, “Let’s go, Wooyoung will probably be elated to talk to you again.”

“Wooyoung?” How was he suddenly important?

“Yeah, he does all the branding on our gang members—” I didn’t like the amused look on Yunho’s face as he slowly peeled me off himself as I came to stand shakily, “Did you think I was the only member of Ateez?”

“No, I—” I shrugged, head thumping by now, “I don’t know, I never thought about it.”

“Yeah, angel,” Yunho chuckled as he took my hand and lead me towards his black Maserati, “how do you think I met Jongho and Seonghwa?”

I gulped, something coiling in my gut. What had I gotten myself into? “And Mingi?”

“We’re best friends since primary school, but yeah, he’s also part of Ateez.” And suddenly the picture-perfect image I had of Mingi in my head came crashing down too, just like the unease as I thought about Wooyoung and his bubbly personality, wondering just how many more people around me were involved with gang activity.

Yunho opened the door for me and helped me inside as my body still had slight tremors, the shock not having worn off entirely, and suddenly he raised my hand to his mouth and pressed a kiss against my knuckles, “I love you.”

And I would say it back at my own pace, and when I truly felt that I loved him. There were too many things he was still hiding from me. Issues we still had to solve. Love, was something I was scared to admit to feeling just yet towards Jeong Yunho. He was everlasting and encompassing, ravishing your whole being, keeping you locked in. And if he really loved me, I knew he would wait for me, I knew he would want me to be sure of it when saying it back. I didn’t know what the future had in store, but if Yunho swore to keep me safe, I blindly put my trust in him once again, praying to stay oblivious to the dark world he was meddling in. Perhaps a few more flower bouquets, and I might just say it back.

But deep down, I already knew I was in love with the man sitting next to me in the car, with Jeong Yunho.

⟨Masterlist⟩

[princetofbone]

i know that as a dark academia/studyblr blog it is SO WEIRD that I am super anti-caffeine, but it makes me into a walking nightmare, so I try my best to avoid it unless I know the coffee at a café is really good or it's a tea I love. anyways here is how I survived school + a twenty seven hour per week extra curricular with no caffeine:

I sleep a lot. I go to bed around 7:30/8 if I can, and wake around 5/5:30. that's nine hours, and I typically take about an hour worth of naps through the day. even getting the recommended 7-9 hours will help with reduction (note to any grad students/med students/phds, this may not be possible, and I am deeply sorry because being well rested is the best feeling ever)

I manage to get that much sleep because I am a beast when it comes to organizing my schedule- i spend very little time on my phone, and I spend any "gap time" in my schedule (those random bits of time where you have nothing to do) doing my homework/studying. I also block out two hours after school to do work, and I typically get it all done then. (I have two hours at school where I don't have class, and I do work then as well)

having fun tasty caffeine free drinks makes life good- you can still drink good tea even if it's low caffeine/decaf (I have not yet had good decaf coffee). there are all sorts of fun bubbly waters, or you can cut up fruit and make drinks- i was gifted a book of zero proof cocktails that i sometimes make for myself- or I just pour pomegranate juice into a wine glass and drink that. Fun drinks for the win.

i am a freak of nature, but i stay awake better without caffeine- with the caveat that if i've been drinking caffeine I don't. so before anyone gets grumpy about not being able to stay awake- detox for like a week (those caffeine withdrawals suck ass) and see if you can make it happen

It works for me- I've saved like $150 a month on coffee, which i now use to buy fancy socks and other exciting things that make me happy late at night when i'm staying awake doing hw. my methods wont work for everyone, but if you wanted to change things up, you might try it

[defilerwyrm]

May i ask how's the recovery process after gender affirming surgeries?

If you mean how's it going now: my last surgery was in 2022 so at this point I'm 100% healed up. I was SUPPOSED to get my implants in December 2023 but my insurance company has been fucking me over at every turn so that's still on hold.

If you mean how was it at the time:

Top surgery (2018) was pretty easy for me since I have a desk job. I stayed with family in town for the first 2 weeks, during which time I basically did nothing but sleep, wake up long enough to use the toilet, take a dry shower, eat something, take more pain meds, then go back to sleep. I had 4 weeks off work, so after that I was a little sore and still confined to button-down shirts because I couldn't raise my arms above shoulder level; then I went back to work and all was normal for the next month. But...

Because I am an unlucky son of a bitch, I had a rare complication: I developed a seroma that dehysced (i.e. a hole opened up along my suture line that leaked large amounts of greasy, bright orange fluid made up of lymph and blood), which was not painful at all but was absolutely disgusting and very alarming to experience—but not a medical emergency or anything, and was easily fixed with a revision surgery. I took another 2 (I think?) weeks off work and it's been fine ever since. The left side of my chest is a little funny but I don't really care, it was fully worth it. Please note that I did not have drains. If you have drains, you're even LESS likely to have this problem.

Hysterectomy (2019) was much the same: I slept through the first two weeks and spent the next 2 in a recliner with an ice pack on my lower belly, playing a lot of Stardew Valley and getting into Critical Role. I was lucky enough to live with a friend who loves cooking. I ate a lot of soup. The soreness wasn't that bad, but I have a policy of staying ahead of the pain by using timers for how often I should be taking them. The worst part of it was the pain meds, tbh, because I really don't like the way oxycodone makes me feel; at the same time, I'm grateful for that fact because it keeps me from forming a habit.

Phalloplasty etc (2021) was kinda rough to start. I had 3 months off work that time. Slept through the first 2 weeks as usual. But for the first 3 weeks total I had a suprapubic catheter in and man I fuckin' hate being cathed. I felt like I needed to pee at all times, even immediately after draining the cath bag. Awful. Learning to pee standing up was...let's just say I did a lot of laundry and cleaning, lol. This was made worse by the fact that I had two fistulae (holes that go through the urethra all the way to the outside)—like I said, I've got bad luck. One of them healed up all on its own, like most of them do. The other one required a revision 8 months later, which meant being cathed again for a while, SIGH. But back to post-op for phallo: I had physical therapy for my left arm to make sure I kept a good range of motion; I kept the graft bandaged with daily gentle cleanup, application of ointments, and rebandaging; and had to take dry showers for the first uhhhhh. 2 weeks at least, maybe 3 or 4? After I got the cath out, things were MUCH easier. I was just kinda vaguely tired and sore and spent most of my time lying down. My libido came back at the start of the 2nd month, which was frustrating af because it wasn't till the start of the 3rd month that I was healed up enough to do anything about it (but once I could, holy FUCK it was incredible).

[ghostlykeyes]

Hello. I like your Heartsteel writings c: I just got my wisdom tooth removed today so can I ask a hc or anything for Aphelios taking care of an s/o? 😊

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HEARTSTEEL APHELIOS / SICK READER ♡ Gender Neutral ♡ No TW's ♡ Quick note that I don't usually write for Aphelios (requests aren't open for him) but who am I to turn away a recovering patient??? (Hope you're feeling better/healing well my dear!)

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APHELIOS

When it comes to taking care of a recovering partner, Aphelios has learned from the best. He thinks back to the last time he had the flu and uses Alune's three-day-nurse-stint as a blueprint. Whatever you need, he's ready to silently offer it. Cold cloth for your head? Done. Pain meds? He's got your dosages measured out and your favorite drink on hand to wash it down. Cuddles? Don't even mention it. He's already in bed, cocooning you both in fresh-washed blankets still warm from the dryer. And, if worst comes to worst and one of your requests stumps him, he can always text his sister to come in as backup.

Aphelios doesn't cook often, but when you're bedridden and in need of a good, comforting meal he comes in clutch. He makes a mean galbitang, and he'll even spoon-feed it to you if you give him your best puppy eyes and whine, "pleeeeeeeease, Phel, I'm too weak to eat by myself." (Not without an affectionate eye-roll, of course.) Besides that, he makes sure the freezer is well-stocked with popsicles and other cold, easy-to-digest food that will soothe you. Making sure Sett and Kayn don't eat it all, well, that's another issue entirely...

Aphelios hates to let a good prank opportunity go to waste, but if you're sick or recovering? You're safe. He wouldn't dream of harassing you while you're feeling less than your best (even if it's all in good fun). Expect to be teased extra when you are feeling better, though!

Keeping you clean and comfortable is a top priority for Aphelios. One of his most-hated things about being stuck in bed is how quickly he starts to feel grimy, so he's sure to help keep up on your hygiene routine. If you're up for it, Aphelios runs you a warm bath. He helps you out of your pajamas and eases you into the bathwater. While you're relaxing in the tub he takes care of your hair for you. Gently, he works a generous handful of shampoo into your scalp, massaging soothing circles against your skin as he goes. He hums, sometimes. A rare treat he gives when his vocal chords aren't as painful. This alone relaxes you more than any bath ever could (though of course, you aren't complaining about that part). Whatever your regular routine is, he'll see to it—face masks, body scrubs, he'll even shave your armpits for you if you ask. When you're ready to get out, he has a warm towel ready for you (what a wonder ten minutes in the dryer can do). Aphelios has fresh clothes on standby, too. He really does think of everything, and he doesn't let you back into bed until you feel fresh and rejuvenated.

While you're recovering, Aphelios strings together a few soothing instrumentals to help you relax. It's nothing fancy, just a simple beat to break the silence and lull you to sleep.

Aphelios isn't known for going easy on his gaming rivals. That completely disappears when you, bored out of your mind and desperate for something to do, challenge him to Mario Kart or Mortal Kombat. Kicking your ass while you're already down doesn't sit right with him, so he lets you bag a few wins. That stunning smile when you beat him, like you can't believe your luck, makes it all worth it. Fuck, that smile makes his knees weak.

Normally Aphelios can be a bit stingy with his cuddles. He just isn't overly physically affectionate. But if you need extra love? Say no more. He's glued to your side, snuggling you like it's his job. Your limbs are tangled together, your head finds a permanent pillow on his chest, and your bodies share a comforting heat. He will never tell you no if you're not feeling well, especially if you need more attention.

Aphelios sends you tons of memes throughout the day as-is, but if you're recovering from something? He's practically blowing up your phone. If you don't mute your notifications you will never know peace. Mainly, it's because he doesn't want you getting bored. He's also thinking about you a little bit extra, though, and what better way to express that than through a string of unhinged Tik-Toks?

[copperbadge]

I had a very successful and entertaining day today, as you guys can probably tell from the posts I made. There's a few more queued posts of stuff I didn't get to post in-situ, so enjoy that!

Some anecdotes I did not post about from today:

-- I can't remember the last time I queued for a museum. Mostly because if it's not one of "my" museums, like the Field or the Art Institute where I know the best ways in, I'm attending on a weekday deliberately so that I am not amongst the crowds. The line to get into the British Museum was a full block long, but to be fair it only took me ten minutes from opening to get inside. I was mostly amused by the people who a) didn't understand how museum entry works or b) didn't understand how to stand in a line without also blocking foot traffic on the rest of the sidewalk.

-- Almost got in a fight with someone, a definite first for me in a museum. I got salty with a guy who touched a sculpture when he knew he shouldn't, and he got up in my face, and I think genuinely the fact that I knew what the sculpture was called and he didn't confused him so badly he backed down. So if you're looking to defuse a situation via confusion, the phrase "Hey, don't fucking touch the Lamassu and we won't have a problem" worked for me.

-- The British Museum is great but among other issues (looted objects, weird relics of museum-specific imperialism, etc) it does suffer from poor display design in places. I'm okay with that, I kind of like old museums that are a little fucked up, even as I acknowledge that old fucked-up museums also have old fucked-up messaging. They appear to be trying on that front, but they could use a display placard overhaul. At one point I found an object in a case that appeared to be a carved human leg bone, and while I'm not a Bone Specialist there was also absolutely no placard about the bone at all. (I looked it up in the collection later using other objects in the case as reference, and it's just noted as "bone".)

-- I did have a great time overall; I saw most of the museum and then had a fancy meal, as documented. I was especially pleased to get to sample their coronation chicken since I collect tastings of coronation chicken, and I think they either used molasses in it or the bread had some, and either way it's grist for my mill as I start to develop The Chicken Salad War. After lunch I went on the hunt for a few last things, but I could feel myself getting tired and Becoming Unmedicated so I decided to leave a little early, which was the right choice, and gave me a little time to do some exploring.

-- @neil-gaiman did a post a while ago about stuff to see in London which I saved, and while I mostly planned my own journey, I did stop at Atlantis Books on his recommendation, which was well worth it. The woman working the till left me alone until I was ready to buy my book, then praised my choice (always a good move) and made a few minutes' small talk about my visit from America while she was ringing me up. Also I have never seen such a variety of Tarot decks for sale in my life. It was extremely impressive given the entire shop is roughly the size of my bedroom in Chicago.

All in all an excellent day out in London. Tomorrow I'm traveling to meet up with a friend, so probably fewer photos, but day after tomorrow I'm bound for Amsterdam so expect Rijksmuseum photos! I did not get into the Vermeer exhibit sadly, but I still want to see the museum and I'm on a quest for freshly made stroopwaffels and authentic gjetost, so I'm excited for the journey. I thought this trip might be one small anxiety after another -- would I be okay on the plane, would I get on the right trains, etc -- but I'm feeling more confident now, and I think between my early-bird tendencies and the ADHD meds I kicked the jet lag pretty quickly. I'm off to bed in a few, because tomorrow is an early day, so I guess we'll find out then how much I really kicked it....

[cavalryofwoah]

How to Get Prescription Medication in the US Dirt-Cheap--with NO Insurance

So, I'll save everyone the sob story, but life the past, oh, 4-ish months has been pretty shitty, and involved a lot of financial woes. Including, to get to the point here, an unexpected gap in my medical insurance. I am on 5 different prescriptions, and couldn't afford to go off any of them, nor afford to pay retail prices. So, as a Frugal Bitch, I figured out how to get them anyway, in a way I could still afford.

I looked at GoodRX, cause that's what I've heard about most online, and used it once, but it wasn't as cheap as legally possible, and 5 prescriptions adds up quick, so I kept looking.

Enter Honeybee Health! (this is not a paid advertisement, nobody would pay me for that, I just want to share savings) Honeybee is a completely legal, certified (in most US states) pharmacy; it's just online, and ships you the prescription.

Bonuses of Honeybee:

No taxes

It is shipped directly to you, so there is no hassle going to pick it up as long as your mail is delivered to you. Mobility-challenged, those without reliable transport, and busy people rejoice, no extra time or effort is required

if you don't pay extra for rush shipping, shipping is free through USPS

because it's not through insurance, they will give you exactly what your doctor prescribed, without trying to limit your dosage or deny the med totally

they let you pick which manufacturer/source you get the generic med from, with their pharmacist's recommendation noted

A personal example as proof: 1 of the meds I'm on is pantoprazole, I get 30 doses a month. With my former "good" insurance it was $10. With GoodRX but no GoodRX Gold membership it is $12.5 at my former preferred pharmacy. With Honeybee Health it is an absolute grand total of $6 for 30 days worth.

Screenshots for evidence. This is the same dosage and amount of the same medication, both the generic version.

Go forth with this new knowledge, and save money.

[randomfandomlov3]

Price of love (Chapter 5)

Warnings: Angst. Crying. Let me know if I missed any.

Note: Thank you for reading! <3

Word Count~ 2110

He knew that his best friend just did what he thought would be in his best interest, but boy did it hurt to lose her. After he dropped you off at your room, Bucky went to find Steve. He knocked on his best friend’s bedroom door. When the door opened Steve is in shock to see Bucky standing there looking almost nervous. Steve welcomed him into the room and closed the door. “Hey Punk, I wanted to say that I am sorry for how I acted. It’s just that she was one of the best people I had ever met and felt comfortable around. I realize that I am just as much to blame for not telling you off sooner. But I was worried that maybe you were right, and maybe she deserves better than me. I did realize though, that I don’t want to lose you again.” Bucky put his arms out for a hug from his best friend.

Steve gave Bucky a soft smile before returning the hug. “I’m sorry that I meddled in things, Buck. I thought that experience would be good for you, but I knew you wouldn’t do it without incentive, I am really sorry if I messed things up. But just know anyone would be lucky to date you.”

He felt Bucky shake, as he felt tears on his shirt. “What if she was the only one out there for me, and I went and lost her.”

Steve’s heart ached. “I promise things will work out how they are supposed to.” They stood like that for a few minutes before Bucky collected himself and apologized. “You don’t have to apologize for this, I will always be here for you.” After they went their separate ways, Steve knew what he needed to do.

Your bag was empty, and you were trying to get a feel for the room when a knock interrupted your thoughts. When you opened the door, you saw Steve standing there. “Look, I wanted to apologize. I was the one who came up with the stupid idea of paying Bucky to date someone. I was just trying to get him back out there, and more comfortable with others. I can tell I was wrong though; he is heartbroken over this. Did you know he even refused the money after?” His words made you feel heavy.

“But then why didn’t he turn down your offer in the first place?” You were still unsure whether he cared for you.

“He was afraid. He thought that you deserved better than what he could give you. Someone with less baggage. But I promise he is worth getting to know.”

A soft smile graced your face. “I know, I had just started to get through his hard exterior. But I wish he would have let me make that choice for myself because I think that he might be it for me. Why am I telling you this? It doesn’t matter anyway; he would never see me like that after how I reacted.” You went to close the door on Steve, to go cry into your pillow.

He put his hand on the door to stop you. “I disagree, he is very much so still into you. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but he just spent a good 10 minutes crying into my shirt about you.” This shocked you; the unfazed assassin was crying over you. “Just think about it.” He took his leave, leaving you with your thoughts. Did Bucky really feel that way about you?

Probably one of the most terrifying things to do was to be seen entering the medical wing by the team. You were bombarded with questions about why you were going to the med bay, and if it had anything to do with you having been away for a couple weeks. Too tired to answer them you allowed them to follow you into the room where Helen said for you to meet her.

She looked around at all the people and back at you to make sure that you were okay with all of them being there. “Yeah, I don’t have the energy to explain everything to them right now so I was hoping you could,” You said with a big grin on your face, to keep up your sunshine persona.

"Well, okay then. How's your shoulder been feeling?" You gave it some gentle movements.

"It's been a little bit sore, but definitely better than it has been," you said, taking off your sweater to reveal the bandage.

"That's to be expected, you were shot in the shoulder, just 2 weeks ago. Now, let's take a look to see how it's healing." The room filled with gasps when she mentioned that you were shot. You didn’t notice Bucky leave the room. Dr. Cho took the gauze off and gave it a gentle wipe to not only check your pain response but also to remove any of the leftover cream. "It looks like it is healing just fine, and you should be able to get your antidote shot at the scheduled time. It doesn't look like you need any more antibiotics, but if anything about it changes come back to see me. And you can take ibuprofen for the pain from here on out, but once again if it doesn't work come back and see me." She reapplied the dressing and told you when she wanted to see you next. You went to the kitchen and smiled upon seeing Bucky standing there, but your bubble burst when he glanced at you before leaving the room. Maybe he was just trying to give you space to figure things out.

He never stayed in the same room as you over the next few days. What if Steve and Sam were wrong? What if he didn't like you anymore? What could you have done to upset him? Spotting Bucky across the room as you set up your station for the injections made your heart ache, you wanted to be happy, but he seemed to hate you. The first thing you did was give yourself the injection and shock so that you could be ready when everyone else arrived. “Agent Roberts? What are you doing here? Didn’t you get your shot already?”

She nodded as she came over to you. “One of the people who have an appointment today requested that they have anybody but you. I’m sorry, but after the agent you shocked, some people are a little wary of this.”

You faked a smile because you had a suspicion that that was not the case, but rather it was personal. She listened very closely to the instructions you gave her for the people who were there for accommodations not just because they were not able to get the shot the other time. Bucky overheard you and his chest hurt, hearing how much you cared.

You left the room trying to hide your broken heart. You decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air and clear your thoughts. Feeling your phone vibrate, you pulled it out to see a text from Natasha. “I heard that you left before the shots were given out is everything okay?”

You wondered who told her because the only one she really knew from the room is Bucky. “Everything is fine it was just requested that I don’t give them out.” You sent back, hoping she would drop the topic.

“Did you get yours though?” A sigh left your lips, you knew that she cared about you, but you didn’t want to talk about that anymore.

“Yes, I did.” You then turned your phone off to have a little bit of peace. The walk ended up leading you to a small café that you went to with Bucky on one of your dates. Feeling nostalgic you decided to go inside and get something to drink.

The lady at the front counter recognized you, but also the look of sadness on your face. “You need a chocolate milkshake, but if you ask me no man could ever be better than a chocolate milkshake.” She said to make you laugh.

“I do like me a chocolate milkshake. Alright, I’ll get one.” A newfound smile graced your face. Taking the milkshake, you went to sit in a booth by the window, to go through your thoughts.

As you were staring out the window a certain redhead comes to sit across from you. “You’ve been distant lately. Is there something on your mind?” Wanda asked setting down her milkshake.

That earned a smirk out of you. “You tell me.”

She looked down at her hands. “Okay, so your thoughts haven’t been very quiet, but I promise I only looked at them when I was concerned for your well-being. I hate seeing you so upset.”  

You took a sip of your milkshake before answering, “I understand, I was just teasing you. I don’t mind you peeking in every now and then, it makes me feel cared for.”

The smile that covered her face made you smile as well. “I truly do care about you, which is why I think that you should focus on yourself right now because you are still trying to heal from the injury that you sustained on the battlefield. You need to do what’s best for you, and I promise to help you in whatever ways I can.” She lifted her glass to cheers yours.

“Thank you, Wanda. This means the world to me.” Once you both finished your milkshakes, you stood and hugged her. “I will see you back at the tower shortly, first I want to grab some things from the store.” You said your goodbyes and went your separate ways.

Re-entering your room you dropped the bags onto the floor. In the first bag you opened, you pulled out baskets. You arranged them all on the floor careful not to step on any as you went to grab the next bag. Bag by bag you built up these baskets to say thank you to the Avengers for how welcoming they had been, and essentially saying goodbye. Each of them was signed with a sunshine 🔆. You had to do what was best for you, and right now that was not staying here. They all had training right now, so it was the perfect time, you grabbed the baskets and placed one by each of their doors. Then you grabbed your bag and left the tower.

They were all very confused to see cute little baskets outside of each of their doors. Natasha picked up hers and read the note. “Thank you, Habiba. I need to do what’s best for me but let’s stay in touch.”

Sam also read his. “Thank you so much, for everything you have helped me with lately Sam. I will be gone for a while, but I would love to stay in touch.”

Each of the notes was personalized at least a little, but all Bucky’s said was, “I’m sorry.”

Wanda was proud that you took her advice, but she was going to miss seeing your bubbly face around the tower. “Does anyone’s say where sunshine is going?” Tony asked feeling slightly sad that you wouldn’t be around to randomly bring him coffee when he stayed up in his lab way too late.

Everyone just shook their heads. “Just that she will be away for a while,” Sam said, looking between everybody.

Bucky’s brow furrowed when he realized that you left longer messages on the others’, but he just got an apology, but he didn’t even understand why.

“What about you, Buck? I imagine she left you a longer message.” His heart shattered at his best friend's comment.

“All she wrote were the words ‘I’m sorry’ that’s it.” He then entered his room closing the door behind him. Why were you apologizing to him? He was the one who messed up. He was the one who got you shot. He was the one who broke your heart. What could you have had to apologize for?

You were not quite sure what you wanted to do forever, but right now, a vacation was needed. “Hey, Fury?” He hummed in response. “I was hoping I would be able to take a vacation for a while, you know, get out of the city and maybe find myself.”

You stared at your shoes, wondering what would be worse, being allowed to go, or being made to stay. “I think it would do you some good, we will miss you around here, but you being at your best will be what is best for your team.”

Chapter 6

[the---hermit]

15|05|2023

12/50 days of productivity

My sore throat evolved into a cold, so I'll be skipping the first classes of the week because I am weak. I haven't felt this sick in a while. I am still trying to study and be productive since I have so much to do, but I can see how I am not at my best, because I am incredibly slow. I will try to focus on tasks that need lower energy during this day, and hopefully at the end of the week/by next week I'll be able to work on harder tasks. Thankfully the classes I will be skipping are recorded so that won't be a problem. I am drinking lots of herbal teas with honey to help with my throat and hopefully that and the meds will help me get better. Since I have been feeling progressively worse in the past few days I ended up procrastinating a lot of small tasks, like sending a new letter to my penpal, and I really hope to do those things soon.

Productivity:

watched and annotated a recorded lecture of my history of religions class (I needed 3+ hourse to work on it when the recording was one hour and a half at best)

practiced my protohistory presentation (painful but worth it because I am terrible at speaking in public so practicing makes me a little more comfortable with the words I'll have to use)

highlighted half of my history of religions notes (I was very much behind, it was something that I eventually needed to do so I decided it was the perfect task for a sickly day, and tomorrow I will finish the other half)

listened to the new episode of re:dracula

finished reading Interview with the vampire

practiced Irish on duolingo

Self care:

read first thing in the morning

created my to do list according to my energies instead of fixing myself on stuff I clearly cannot do properly now

📖:Interview With The Vampire by Anne Rice

[slayemal-na-nerate]

//Hi again.

So, the walls in our old place finally got fixed like a week before Christmas, but we continued to live in chaos bc we were convinced 2x that we were going to be able to buy a house, so we weren't really trying to settle in.

I did a 2 month long depression treatment that involved driving 30-45 minutes out every weekday to get my head strapped into a machine that tapped on it really loudly for 20 minutes. All I got was a complete absence of free time and an increase in headaches. Also worth noting that I was still living in a tarped up home for the entirety of the treatment, so the effectiveness of the treatments may have been compromised.

Due to a combination of switching from opening to closing shifts in order to make it to the aforementioned treatments, which apparently left me with lower seniority, and scheduling being the hot messes they've always been, I ended up being subjected to a dramatic increase in physical and emotional stimuli. I did not comprehend this extra overstimulation until it was too late, much like one likely wouldn't notice their pipes were leaking if their house had already been caught in a flood. All I knew was that I ended up calling out a lot more, and because I was trying to look good for a home loan, I ended up using all my vacation time to pay myself out. I had been planning to ask for a vacation at the beginning of the year just to give my mind a break for a bit, but honestly, who knows if that actually would've done anything at this point.

Thanks to the bitchiest seller's agent in existence, the house my mom and I should be living in right now got to sit on the market for months longer waiting for a cash offer bc apparently an FHA loan with underwriter's approval for over asking wasn't fancy enough to be trusted to close. Our home-owning dreams unfortunately hit a massive roadblock when the new year started, bc my mom finally had to file her last round of taxes, which decreased any loan we might qualify for to basically nothing in our state.

With the threads my mental health was hanging on by having snapped several times over by now, I finally went on medical leave in February. It just seemed pointless continuing to pretend I was in working condition given all the shifts, meals, and meds I continued to skip. Almost a month in, my mom found a new rental opportunity for us, and we started packing to move out.

April's our first month in this new place. I'm nowhere near being unpacked, and I don't know how I'm going to be when I have to go back to work (which is farther now) until I can quit sometime soon, hopefully. However, I am seeing some progress in my depressive symptoms, and I'm mostly healed from the injuries I sustained during the move-in process. Anyway, I'm obviously not in a stable enough place to completely end my hiatus, but I would like to write a bit on here again, so if that sounds fun and you're willing to be patient with replies in the meantime, hit me up, I guess?

[ace-and-ink]

i’m fine with gore but that poem made me want to puke. it might’ve been the body or it might’ve been the boy. how he touched her insides on the outside and never asked. and sure, she let him, but surely he could see that she trusted him and he still made her the villain for hiding the best parts of herself and the way she kept them from his hands. every day i thank something up there that i never let them touch me like that. the way they brag about being touched. and it’s a cool, cool party, i hope i don’t come back again. and i wanna use a big word and make you think i’m a good writer. i wanna paint an image that’s as visceral as a car wreck and make you squirm like it’s your organs being fondled. yet still she doesn’t turn the speaker off. we’re not just sharing our voices anymore. she’s sitting on the corner of her bed and i’m howling. the lyrics are pouring from my throat like the bile they fed to me without feeding me. the wall is a hypothetical that may not have touched me yet but i can see that it might’ve. maybe she doesn’t turn the speaker down and hears my raw chords to hear my bleeding and coughing chest. maybe she turns the speaker up and keeps me from tainting the song any further. all the women in my class cross their legs. all the dudes slouch in their chair and spread their legs. i can look the part, but i can’t hide the queer. call me L. call me A. call me NB. call me Q for short. she nodded along when the sexualization of bisexuals was brought up. i want to sit down in front of her and ask “What are you? What are you? What are you? Is it my place to know? Would i understand if you told me? Do i have a chance with you?” is what i really want to ask. if i could say what i meant would they get it. would it be worth the isolation. drunk boys in ice cream shops. i wrote about them as a warm-up. i’m tired of them. it’s not their job to know right away but that doesn’t mean i can’t be annoyed. i haven’t gone out to get it in a while. she promised she was sober as she pulled a bottle of wine from her purse. tired. that’s what i always am. of having too much time. of not having enough. of certain people. of coughing so close to me. of not having certain people. of the thought of certain people. of never having the balls to man up and ask. just literally tired. no sleep is enough. i wish i knew how to end this poem. poems don’t have neat endings. that was lesson one. it ends when it needs to end. but art’s never really finished. the majority of playwriting is rewriting. so i guess i’ll keep talking. i said three sentences. six words. my heart was beating out of my chest. i’m not allowed to use abstractions, so i hope this is literal enough: i realized my dad was right when he said i needed to be on his anxiety meds “just to take the edge off.” i want to be able to write about someone the way Lucy Dacus does in Home Video. Hang Me Like Jesus still fucks me up. i don’t cry to Damocles anymore but i wrote about it the other day. i like rocks and rock. and rats. and women. i’m half on youtube half in my notes and now my phone is burning up. i tried typing “phone is” and my phone number came up in auto suggestions. how did this poem start again. how did we get here. do we like it here. do we want to stay here. i think i like it here. i’m never sure of anything.

— a practice in line breaks and not making sense

[bainofjustice]

Payday's Most Forgotten Main Character - Speical Agent Jordan Griffin

Introduction

Hello, as my description at time of writing says I am Jordan Griffin's number #1 fan but you see I haven't given myself this title because I've made lots of fan content (I'm working on that) but because I am one of only two of her fans (I recruited a friend to her Fandom). (Might be three but IDK who wrote the Payday 2 character tv tropes page)

I want to have to fight for this title, I wanna see others think about & explore her character.

So I am writing this! It will cover all of her canon appearances, where I would have taken her character within Payday 2's plot & some theories and headcanons.

Payday: The Web Series

Jordan is one of the main characters of The Web Series & outside of Bain, Vlad Kozak Gage & brief scenes is one of the only characters to appear in multiple episodes. She is also the only character I would agure has a arc thoughout the episodes & acts as a recurring pov.

The audience first meets Jordan Griffin in episode 3, she is discussing with her partner (Agent Riker) about her thoery that Hector Morales is working for Crime.Net, Agent Riker attempts to brush off this thoery by both pointing to how little evidence she has found about Crime.Net & pointing to her mental health (stating that she must just be tried, implying she is not in her right state of mind). When this scene ends it is revealed Bain already has eyes on her and placed Riker as a mole.

This scene established a lot of interesting stuff

Jordan with the limited info of the events of PD1 & the earliest heists of 2 was able to put enough evidence together to both figure out Crime.Net existed & its name. Remember that during the events of the web series it is just coming out of beta, likely meaning it's number of users was low & trusted allies so for Jordan to find all this meant some serious digging

I forget if it's on the board or if she says it (limited wi-fi so avoiding watching stuff) but she mentions Bain's name as the owner of Crime.net, not the most impressive as it seems like his name is mentioned a lot in the criminal world to the point that even yakuza clans know about him. Still I feel it worth noting.

This scene is also the first we see anyone (on screen, obviously off screen between 1 & 2 the FBI found out) in the FBI suspect Hector of being related to the Payday gang, it's also worth noting that Jordan already has him pinned of other crimes, possibly the same ones that got him got by the fbi. It's also interesting she didn't know he was a rat for the fbi & was working to arrest him.

Speaking of the board I mentioned, she has a whole conspiracy board in her office for the payday gang & crime.net, it has multiple of the contractors on it, including Vlad (whom at least by the time of Hoxton breakout the FBI believe is a law abiding civilian).

It is also established that Jordan deals with some ableism as a part of how Bain tries to deal with her, it's seen in Rikers comment and made more notable by the fact that Jordan is shown later taking unknown meds from a prescription bottle.

It is also established that Bain considers Jordan enough of a threat to have a mole specifically keeping an eye on her.

As a whole I consider this a strong start for building her up as a threat to the gang & a foil to them, much like them she is working semi out of the system to achieve her goals & like them is seeking answers for questions much bigger than herself, only issue is these traits are directed at taking down Bain & Crime.Net.

In Episode 4, Jordan interviews Dallas whom is undercover as the bank manager for First World Bank, thoughout this Jordan is very suspicious of him & he ends up leaving earlier than likely planned, taking his obertunity when Jordan is called away for something.

I find two things about this very interesting, first being that the series went semi out of its way to allow Dallas & Jordan to meet, while the cover was also used for the heist & the scene also allows for a interesting story telling device of showing different versions of scenes the audience already saw the scene could have easily been from Dallas pov woth random cops but no: it's a mixed pov scene & Jordan is used despite it actually making little sense given how she's treated in the FBI (I will get into that later)

I also find it noteworthy how Dallas treats her, it's very much as a real threat & he does his best to tell her the cover story straight but as it becomes clearer that she is suspicious & isn't falling for it he ends up taking a chance to escape before she can ask more questions.

Also funfact is that this scene is what established Nathan Steele as Dallas civilian name. Jordan also established in this scene being particular about being called Special Agent (Jordan) Griffin.

In Episode 5, Jordan manges to leak to a reporter her theories about crime.net, which ends up in the tv news. Jordan & Riker get pulled aside by their boss and get royalty told off because as it turns out, this isn't their job! Jordan has just been doing all of this on top her real cases for the fbi! She hasn't been getting any backing for them & clearly couldn't ask for help with the case given gets in trouble for it! No one told her to do this! She has just been doing it for herself while everyone tells her no!

She follows this up in the next scene by revealing to Riker that she suspects that there is a mole within their department of the FBI, it's later confirmed that she suspects him & told him as much, though also still keeps him close at hand, including when she goes otherwise alone to confront a member of Crime.Net.

THIS IS FOLLOWED BY REVEALING THAT RIKER'S HANDLER IS FUCKING VLAD "THIRD SHADIEST CONTACTOR & KATRU KING" KOZAK

So uh, yeah a lot happens at the end of an episode about the worst assassin Crime.Net ever hired aka Greta.

But wait! There's even fucking more! In episode 6 aka the finale of the web series most of the focus is on her & Vlad (well it's more about Vlad dealing with her) (& Gage but this ain't about him, I'll talk about him when I talk disability in Payday)

this wild episode starts off with Vlad getting called by Bain warning him that Jordan has taken an interest in him & has placed a tracker on his truck, this results in him blowing off Sofia (Aka the woman he has with him when visting the safe house) & as she insists on him staying with her that night (intercut as Vlad thinks with Jordan doing research about Vlad) he ends up pulling a gun on her asking if she isn't useful why does he keep her around. (This is interrupted before goes farther) (I'm noting that last bit for a reason.)

Next we see of Vlad he's getting driven to the spot that's been set up as a trap for Jordan as she follows, he is singing in a slavic language during this (also in previous scenes he has mostly talked in a slavic language besides from his threats to Sofia)

Then the big scene is next for the Jordan & Vlad storyline, Jordan arrives at the parking garage, this is when she confirms in banter with Riker that she is sure that he is the mole, she searches for a lil bit being very on gruad & then reaches the stairs.

This is when Vlad appears & holy hell this convo is interesting to me, especially looking back knowing a lot more about Vlad. So I am going to break this down a lot.

First Vlad says hello to Speical Agent Jordan Griffin, he very clearly already knows some of her quirks well. Meanwhile Jordan jumps right to questions, speaking in the same Slavic language Vlad has throughout the episode used when speaking with his men, she starts off asking how he knows her name which he answers a little birdie told him. Which does line up with what Bain did, including referencing her full status while warning Vlad.

Vlad follows up with

"I know many things, especially how in over head you [Jordan] are."

I'll come back to this later.

Vlad was interrupted by having to tell one of his men to stand down & that he has everything under control.

Vlad then tells Jordan that he doesn't have time to explain things but:

"-You must understand: You got too close to the truth and they will not let you live if you get any closer." -Vlad

Jordan then questions who "they" is, suspecting Crime.Net & Overkill (this was made back when the company included itself as refs & didn't decide yet the name belonged to a biker gang).

Vlad follows up by not answering but saying

"I like you special agent, we are like each other, more than you know."

He then shares that this all has been a "friendly" warning & warns that the next one won't be the same.

He then says that he hopes the pair will meet again under better circumstances, to which once again in a slavic language Jordan repiled with "Perhaps"

Vlad then leaves with his enforcer. Riker whom was waiting in the wings, gun ready arives as Jordan steps back to the floor they parked and when asked she says that she lost them.

Now lemme break down what I can

It is very interesting to me that throughout episode 6 using slavic language is almost showing your in with Vlad, when Vlad is pissed at Sofia he speaks in English, also speaking with Bain & Riker in English but with his enforcer in Slavic & then Jordan starts off speaking in his language and when he says he hopes they meet again under better circumstances it's also in slavic. This to me really shows there was at least some idea that Jordan would continue to be a force in Vlad related stories, perhaps working with him?

This is the first we see of Jordan actively lying & no less lying to cover her & Vlad's assess, til this point she is not shown actively lying

This is also we see of Jordan choosing to not chase a trail and call it quits before getting herself in shit, I do honestly believe in a convo with someone else Jordan would have not lied at the end saying they got away but instead tried to press forward.

Vlad in the very same episode made it clear that even minor things done by people he doesn't need may result in death, which to me brings up: what does Vlad want from Jordan? What does she have that neither Bain or another FBI agent could supply?

Thoughout the convo he treats her with more respect than really anyone else we see him in canon talk to, not once swearing or acting out but instead acting very calm & put together.

From some of the stuff he says it seems like he honestly wants to tell Jordan more but can't (he blames a time issue, but tbh I feel like it's more because the location was set up by Bain likely meaning he was watching.)

I also find the lines he says about her search for the truth really interesting as it really reminds me of what later happens to Bain, when he starts getting closer to the truth about the Katru he is nearly killed (in the bad ending is fr killed)

I also find the line that they are alike curious, at this time in the story Vlad wasn't too known for a inquisitive nature nor had he shown much interest in uncovering hidden truths. In the context knowing the story wasn't planned from the start I'm not sure what they were planning with this line BUT looking back with what lore we have for Vlad by the end of 2... I'll get to what I think in its own section.

Since this was the final episode this is the last we see of her in live action & even if she shows up again I think will be with a revast or non-live action as her actress is now a right-wing news caster in france 🙃

Appearances In Game

Jordan has two in game appearances!

First is on the second day of Hoxton breakout where she is one of the models spawned in FBI agents can have (model based off her episode 1 outfit).

She does not have any special A.I or anything else meaning any of the following can happen

Her model does not spawn, implying she was not at the office during the attack.

Her model does spawn but one way or another the gang does not interact with her, implying she hid during this.

Her model spawns & the gang zip ties her, leaving her somewhere she isn't killed, this is personally my hc for the canon of the game)

Her model spawns & she guns down a member of the gang, good for her! (This probably the least likely since she is not a special unit & would be in combat with the gang before any assault waves meaning fullish health)

Her model spawns & she is killed (Outside of not spawning this is one of the most likely for a player to do)

Her model spawns & the Joker skill is used on her, making her help the very gang she is trying to catch, possibly dying along the way.

At the end of the day this heist does very little to actually tell us anything about her or her fate as it is totally random what state she's in by the end, especially because as the tv tropes page for her points out most players don't even know who they'd be killing.

But... There is another heist she can spawn in, which neither the tv tropes page nor her wiki (which I need to update) mentions.

Her model can spawn in the Payday 2 version of Taxman, which if I'm not wrong is one of the few remasters that is a flashback/not happening a second time.

Which means that Jordan, likely unknown to Bain or the gang has been long on their trail, this also lines up with what her actual job in the fbi is (which in short is wire fuad, which is mentioned in a episode but I forget which one).

On the flipside if this isn't a flashback we can assume that Jordan is still alive post Hoxton breakout & that it sets a president that unless it's outright a part of the story of the heist named characters like Jordan don't die in heists where there's other options (Makes sense since Bobble Head Bob like Jordan can spawn in heists & die like she can)

I also suspect that Jordan can spawn whenever the game calls for a unarmored FBI agent to spawn but I am yet to test this. But if true basically means Jordan survives well into the endgame & only could for sure have died post Breakin' Feds.

Why I Wish She Was Used More/How I Would Fit Her Into The Plot

Why I Want More:

1. She is my blorbo & I love her 💖💖💖

2. The gang's enemies look like this rn (not counting post game dlc or 3):

A guy relying on the fbi to protect him who was merely a pawn of the fbi (Hector)

A bunch of mindless male police officers

A male police caption who only provides a physical threat

A male fbi head who is only a puppet to people

A male technical guy + military guy, provides a very real intelligental thread with implied help from a female hacker, later redeemed and helps the gang (Locke & Joy)

A mostly male (we never see a woman in Murkeater but I'm gonna assume there's at least one) paramilitary that doubles as a conspiracy group, provides both a physical & social threat

A male puppeteer master, is the only non-physical threat.

You might already see my point, thr gang lacks any non-male enemies which isn't great when combined with theor already low female cast. The developers have mentioned that they wanted to do better on that front & I think a female antagonistic force to the gang would have helped.

Also the gang is really lacking in intellectual threats, only briefly having Locke/Joy hack them which is resolved quick & they aren't a real threat after this & The Dentist whom pulls strings & is a threat to everyone's identities, their serach for The Secret & the world.

But really I think having another intellectual threat, especially one uninvolved with Murkwater would both help feel like the gang has a real risk of something like getting arrested or having their identities leak, I think it would also balance the cast a lot more.

Now while I wanna fix the above making Jordan a main angtag from the get go would change a lot & deserves its own post so here is some closer to canon ideas.

Here's a few ideas of how she could have been used, keep in mind these ideas are based off the limits that 1. The story wasn't planned from the start, 2. The story is mostly shown in heists & fbi files & 3. Jordan is not a main character & 4. My core Jordan thoery is not canon, otherwise this section would be more complicated & require inorging the lack of a plan plotwise.

Without the above limits I would just be giving a pitch for a fanfic I am planning.

Route 1: Mole For Vlad

This in my opinion is one of the more boring options but it is one of the more likely options they would have went with in canon.

For this Jordan would likely off screen started working for Vlad as a dirty fbi agent & in game either be mentioned as a informent or as someone setting things in the fbi hq for the gang in heists they go there.

This route would work well for fics or art that wants a easy route for Jordan to interact with the gang on friendly terms but I feel like outside of fanwork options this isn't the best route.

Ultimately it would make Jordan a bit of a non-character & betray the very justice focused Jordan we see in the web series plus it doesn't address the problems above.

But it is a option that other than what we did get is close to likely.

Route 2: FBI Pov

In this Jordan would remain looking into the Payday gnag though not being as forward, until the FBI files were added.

At that point I would have Jordan serve as the owner of the fbi computer that was hacked, perhaps having her leave notes on all the fbi files about her theories & what she's found.

Perhaps this results in a heist where the gang has to retrieve her evidence & kill her like the Hector heist.

It could also lead to her being the fbi member Kento contacts & sends codes to, perhaps desperate to catch the gang she helps him arrest The Elephant & possibly other contractors.

Or perhaps she remains uninvolved with the emails & instead serves as a pov for the fans not secret hunting by leaving confused files about the Katru related heists & files on clues she doesn't understand.

Route 3: Katru Investigator

Okay so this slimmer to the above, having her leave notes on fbi files & the hacked computer being hers but... The emails aren't, she hacked into the commissioners email & leaves notes on the emails, perhaps acting like a hint for them.

She would also take up what Spetkicguy did in the arg, hacking into things & finding more clues about Mrukywater.

This route likely ends with a callback to what Vlad said, Jordan would get too close to the truth of Murkwater and they would kill her.

My Core Thoery For Jordan Griffin/Route 4: King's Watcher

Okay before I start with this theory let me establish a few things that I will write metas about later:

Vlad is a Katru king, a member of a group of three humans that were selected by powerful beings to guard their secrets, this granted conditional immortality.

The other kings are The Elephant & The Dentist

Each king has a watcher, it is unknown how they are picked but I suspect it is decided by a higher power at their birth. They are meant to prevent the kings from abusing their power, they are also the condition for their King's immortality when they are alive their king cannot die & when they are dead their king can die. (after Dentist loses his he is able to be gunned down)

The known watchers were Bain & Kento, Bain leaves notes about this & Duke comments on & notes that Kento is a watcher as well which lines up with his role in Murkwater

Now that we have that established onto the thoery, which simply put is that Jordan is Vlad's watcher.

Let me first address the main counterpoints

Vlad's watcher is the Commissar!: that is a theory which well would make Dentist wanting the guy dead make sense. It would not make sense that Vlad never mentions him, we know Vlad loves revenge, he won't let his watcher being killed slide no matter how much he likes the gang

Vlad's Watcher Is His Brother In-Law!: Okay this is more likely than the last one & is one of the more likely canon options, so I won't aurge against this theory. Simply it isn't my taste, I find more interesting stories can be told with other options for watchers.

Vlad can die in dlc heists!: Yeah, that does point to his watcher being dead but there is nothing pointing to Jordan having to still be alive at this point. We also don't actually see his death, just that the timer says that but that could be either obsecing Vlad's involvement with the secret or simply not thinking out a different wording. So while him dying is what is said to happen I feel like for a thoery like this. Which is already... Shaky since it rests on a forgotten character I don't think it kills the thoery

Now onto my supporting evidence!

Vlad goes out of his way to make sure Jordan survives & was personally dealing with her. We see him both push aside others in his life like Sofia to focus on Jordan & go against the spirit of Bain's orders who said to deal with her by simply warning her.

The lines: "I know many things, especially how in over head you [Jordan] are." & "You got too close to the truth and they will not let you live if you get any closer." Which Vlad says to Jordan can both read as simply a detective being warned to avoid criminal conspiracy but... It's also close to some of the stuff Bain & the gang says as they investigate the Katru.

There is also that Vlad wanted to tell her more but couldn't, again he said it was a time issue but I really believe it was because he knew Bain was listening in.

Vlad drawing a comparison towards himself & her would make more sense if there was a literal bound between them, as the scribe/a king I'm sure Vlad has done a lot of the sort of stuff Jordan is doing & probably has had watchers like her before.

Thematically it'd line up for Jordan to be unknowingly in his inner circle given that language = Vlad's good graces thing I got talking about.

There are a lot of parallels between Jordan & Bain, especially if you put together some of the stories from clothes that imply Bain was a cop or in the fbi at some point. Both start off locking into things beyond them, both have blue as their main color (Jordan's outfits are mainly black & white say for her periwinkle shirt which her model wears), they both start getting so deep that people are sent after them & with outfit lore in mind it seems like Bain had a encounter with Elephant slimmer to the one Jordan had with Vlad.

Thematically wise it'd be nice if there was 1 criminal watcher, 1 corrupt lawful watcher & 1 justice minded watcher. Bain is morally grey, Kento's morals got fucked up & Jordan has pretty clean morals compared.

It'd also mean that Bain's mind games with Jordan later get reflected at him as Kento played mind games with him & unlike Bain dealt with the person getting close to the truth. In short watcher on watcher violence.

Also sanity is a theme with Vlad, he is the "mad king" the one that found things thay broke his mind & even in the modern day is considered insane. This is intrestingly mirrored by how Jordan is both dismissed based off mental state & likely has a mental illness she takes meds for.

I will probably think of more & make a post just about this thoery eventually but for now the last reason is that I simply think it makes for a interesting story, it means all the watchers are pitted against each other, it means Vlad has another thing to hide from the gang, it means Vlad's watcher is an established character whose a bit complex, it means at least a single woman is relevant to The Secret.

As for what this world look like in story? Well it depends on how you veiw the watchers but for my own hc's & theories I am planning a fic about this.

I will also note that if something makes it clear someone else is Vlad's watcher I will keep this as a au instead of theory/hc.

Ideas For Fan Content

So after reading everything here I hope you dear reader wanna give me a lil more challenge in calling myself her biggest fan by including her in your own content!

To help get this started I'm gonna list a few ideas of how to include & use her in fan content. Obviously I would also be trilled to see ideas not listed written about & if you do make something based off tbe list below or theories & ideas I talk about on this meta you don't have to credit me, I just want to show off a character I like!

Jordan easily can fill the role of a fbi agent that would otherwise go unamed or be a one-off oc, so say for a fic you want to add pressure by having a agent on one of the heisters trail, Jordan would make a good fit!

Jordan would also work well as a mentor or partner to a fbi oc, being able to quickly inform them of details about the payday gang & either aid them if they are a enemy of the Payday gang or provide tension if they are/start helping the gang.

Jordan would also work well for writing enemy to lovers fics since she is a enemy of the gang but it's based off impersonal things, so becoming close with specific members isn't out of the question & could lead to interesting drama for all parties.

Jordan also works well for if you need a pov outside the gang but is aware, let's say you're writing a mystery fic & you need someone to first find something or encounter the killer before it's revealed to the gang. Jordan would work! She would likely investigate that sort of thing but lacks ways of telling other members of the cast.

Jordan does at the end of her story show some more willingness to do shady things, so having a story explore her becoming more & more involved in crime would work really well, this would also be great to use for fics about Vlad's criminal stuff (Just please, I beg, do not have Jordan start working at his postuion house, that I am asking you to not do on this post. I can't stop you but I am gonna read or share stuff about that)

Jordan would also work in camo appearances, need something for Vlad or Bain to be doing before being interrupted? Perhaps they were keeping an eye on a special agent.

Jordan could also work as someone to info dump info about things that happened off screen in your fic, maybe you're writing a future fic & want to quickly establish what everyone is doing, having a scene or a few where Jordan is sharing her theories with someone would be a good way to do it in universe & add some unreliable narratorness to it if you want to hide info.

Also Jordan would work well as some canon fodder to be blunt, as much as I love her it doesn't seem like she's amazing at tech, so if you want establish a character killing enemies of the gang or some mass death event like a zombie au Jordan could work 😶‍🌫️

Lastly there isn't a lot about Jordan outside of what's here, we don't know her past, or much about her future past the web series & there are a lot of parts about her personality we won't have got to see so she's a character that could really be expanded on.

ETC

Agent Riker: Funniest Non-Clown

Yeah I couldn't fit this anywhere else but thoughout the series Riker is really funny due to how it seems like he is almost always moments from a mental breakdown. He will often swear to himself shouting loudly FUCK almost everytime Jordan is getting deeper in the mess.

It's also funny how degented he looks while his boss scolds him & Jordan, they both look like kids getting told off.

It is also extremely funny to me that Jordan straight up tells him to his putposly sweating face she knows he is the mole & then still takes him as backup to confront Vlad which like...

While Riker pulled out a gun & was waiting in the wings it also took him forever to call out for her & it was pretty unclear what his game plan was. He is like less than useless to both Jordan & Vlad.

He also has a family which he mentions when talking to Vlad also it was hard for me to make out his name due to my hearing sorta sucking so I had to find his name on the imb page for the series

Jordan's Job:

I wasn't sure where to mention this but in one of the episodes, I believe when being told off by her boss it is mentioned she works in wire fuad. I believe due to her having her own office space in the department that she is likely either very high ranking or it's local head.

How I Incountered Jordan:

So I was vaguely a Payday fan at the time, I knew things like Jacket x Sokol & things like the Halloween nightmares for the crew but I had yet to see the wider picture.

This is when I decided to read the tv tropes page for Payday 2, specifically the characters page & then I read the Minor Characters page & read Jordan's section.

Which made me interested enough to go & watch the web series & then I watched more & more videos until I ended up watching The Knowley's lore series & since then I have been searching for more lore & info.

And that won't have happened if some tv tropes writer I will never likely meet hadn't decided to put Jordan on the page & describe her well in tropes & in the little bio.

The Wiki:

So a funfact is that I am the one who made Jordan's wiki page & added her to the web series page. Admittedly the page needs some work to better explain things but I thought something was better than nothing & I will work on it more.

[sirphrogington3rd]

"So pathetic.." (Ettore x Reader)

Warnings: murder, talk of rape, violence, smut, oral f, handjob, humping, femdom, VERY VERY VERY toxic, and other stuff just beware

Info on you: You are an animalistic killer with an unending bloodlust, it was a wonder why you weren't immediately executed. You have a hard time handling your emotions. you were assigned to the gardens and tried your best to be good.

Author's note: Umm this is really just smut, also I am a Wattpad writer(sirphroge) check me out on there too🤞🏾😘

18+

You sat on your shins weeding the plants and cutting the dead leaves, all the sharp objects making you twitch with an urge. You stand after finishing, bringing the back of your dirtied gloved hand to your forehead. You looked up and saw Ettore just watching, you didn't mind but the emotion that radiated off him was lustful but was normal given how he acted around the other women on the crew. We were all criminals but by far you both were the worse. in different ways but still, worse.

"Leave, boy," you told taking the sharp tools from the ground

He did not answer only stare, with his eyes blue as the ocean, If he hadn’t been so goddamn creepy, you might have been happy to stare into his eyes, even briefly. You put them away and lock up the shed, the box was a pastime, you rarely used it but it was a human comfort.

you did not speak much and you were quick, precise. He never moved as you continued to wrap up your work. Cleaning your tools, sweeping the dirt that had made its way out of the beds, and washing your hands. Still just watching you. Finally, you discarded your rags in the laundry bin. It would need to be taken out soon.

"I said leave," you told once more, "boy."

he was not much younger than you but you still had this sense of maturity over him

"Come on, be nice," he mocked

you looked at him, cocking your head to the side and taking in a deep breath. His musk coming with the breath, you push him out the doorway, turning and locking the door. You look back at him and put a tentative finger on your ear patting it, silently telling him to listen. stepping over him and walking to your appointment with Dr. Dibs.

He grabs your ankle having you stumble, and you glare back at him. he stares you in the eyes as he mouths something

"Tonight"

You began picking at the skin of your fingers until they bled trying to relieve the bloodlust boiling in your mind.

he lets go of your ankle and you continue to walk down the hall to the med bay

----

Ettore scrubs the floor shirtless, and he pretends he doesn’t see you glance his way when you walk past him. You pretend you don’t notice him, and he grabbed at your ankle again. You look back at him your eyes widened, sharp, and dark. You place your hands on the side of his head and pull his face roughly into your knee. He groans and falls back, propping himself up on his elbow.

You then pounced on him, he didn't fight you placed your hands roughly around his throat as you straddled him. He held onto your wrists but not resisting, Monte had to pull you off before you killed the bastard.

"He's not worth it," Monte told

you watched as Dibs helped Ettore off the floor

"British cunt," you say and spat on him

And something flashed in his eyes as if he enjoyed it. Boyse yelled something at him, you could only hear your breaths, heavy, fast. You wanted to see him bleed, you wanted to make him bleed. So when you saw the blood falling from his nose, heat built up in your panties.

----

The ship is silent at night, the only things that can be heard was the buzz of the ventilation system, and the soft murmur of the engine. You slept in a room by yourself, being more of a danger to others when overwhelmed. Yet you were not tied up and you enjoyed the emptiness of the room, solitary, but now alone to your thoughts, you thought, though of Ettore. How he made your panties dampened when he bleed, how he let you hurt him, how he looked at you. You wanted to ruin him, torture him with pleasure and the stupid fucking box couldn't relieve that.

You look up at the doorway, Ettore leaning on the door his hands in his pants, moaning silently. You watch as he climaxes looking up at you

"I told you," he said

He can see your tits through the thin t-shirt you're wearing, moving up and down as you breathe, He wants to groan when his eyes wander between your open legs. you don’t wear pajama shorts in your own room, he’s noticed, and he can see the shape of your cunt beneath the thin fabric of your underwear. He can see the hair peeking at the sides. He wants to rush in and nuzzle his face between your legs

"Why are you here?" you asked as if you didn't know the answer

he walks in and kneels in front of you, you look down at him from the bed. Ettore wanted to take you right there

"I want to fuck... something," he groans

"Go to the box then," you tell in a monotone voice

"No... I want you fuck... you," he said breathily

You smirk tilting your head, "Do you think, you can handle me?" you laugh

He looks at you with a predatory gaze as if you were prey

"You're funny, I want to hurt you, that's what brings me pleasure," you spoke, "will you let me hurt you?"

Ettore's eyes gloss with lust as he hears you express your desires, savoring the anticipation. He’s getting hard in his shorts, his mouth watering. He wants to take you, but he forces himself to wait.

"Yes."

"Good boy," you cooed placing your foot on his chest and pushing him backward

he lies on the floor allowing you to drag your for down his abdomen, you placed your foot over his bulge lowering your foot down and stepping down. Ettore whimpered as you pressed, you could feel your panties dampen and it showed threw the thin fabric.

“Please.” His plea was hardly more than a breath. Pathetic.

"So pathetic..." you moan

he reached for your ankle, Ettore moved your leg and kissed up your leg, biting your thighs. You sit back on the mattress your thighs shaking as he throws them over his shoulders, moving over the fabric and lapping at your folds like a man starved. And the way Ettore moans against you, nuzzling his nose against your pearl before suckling at it, You were silent, biased your heavy breaths. You tightened your legs around his head, blocking off her air, suffocating him. Ettore groans again, pushing a hand down his shorts to grip his cock. He grips your thighs in an attempt to pull them away for air but you were enjoying the look of his eyes rolling back as the air left his system. Then you release him, and he gasps.

His mouth was slick with your juices but you didn't even cum. Ettore stands looming over you, he wanted you now. You watched him, waiting for him to do anything, You slide your hand past the waistbands of his scrubs and boxers and took hold of him. He immediately let out a pitiful cry as his core tightened, and he had to concentrate so hard not to come before you had even begun to move your hand. It was only made worse when you smiled at his struggle.

"You didn't make me finish," you whisper, "bad boy"

He whines as you grip his hardening cock, pumping him tantalizingly slow. He grabs at you trying to pin you back to the bed but with your hand still wrapped around his cock, you squeeze the sensitive flesh.

He groans in painfilled pleasure, you release him, moving your hand up his abdomen. He leaned down and pressed a hungry kiss on your lips.

"Do you still want to fuck me, boy?" you asked against his lips

"yes.." he breathes

You pull back and move more on the bed, he was shaking with excitement, the feeling of having it given, instead of taken was intoxicating. You lay back and Ettore went to take off his shorts and boxers

You grab his hand, "no."

He whimpers in response, he hated being told "no" and he wanted this so bad. He took your hand and moved it away, grabbing your legs, pulling your still-clothed cunt against his hardened cock. Then he started moving, humping you like a dog in heat, leaning over your body. You held his back and as his moans quietly by your ear. You kissed his cheek, as he eagerly rubbed every sensitive bit on both if your bodies. Ettore gazed at you, taking in how your face contorted and your attitude diffused.

"ah," you moan quietly, your jaw agape

"So pretty," he comments as a shiver goes up his spine

Your eyes shut as your core tensed as your forthcoming orgasm, Ettore grabbed your hands interlacing his fingers with yours, imagining he was fucking your cunt. Wet. Warm. He thought as he emptied himself in his boxers, you tremble as the knot in your stomach came undone.

"We should do this again?" he asked

His accent, you were just realizing how sexy it was

"yeah..." you sighed chest heaving

[presleyannn]

spoons - 9.21.23

I've been thinking about the spoon theory a lot.

Law school is an extremely competitive environment, and it's really hard not to compare yourself to all the people around you. When you're in a situation like mine, it's hard to see all the people around you being prepared for class and spending hours in the library studying, while you know you're unprepared and weeks behind on work. I look around and I find myself practicing negative self talk. I say to myself that I'm just lazy and I don't belong in law school.

However, when I'm able to take a step back for a moment of clarity, I realize that not only is that not true–because I want law school more than anything, and the work that I do accomplish is super rewarding–but also that I'm holding myself to an impossible standard at this present moment in my life. I am comparing myself to and holding myself to the standard of a person with a normal functioning brain, when mine isn't working properly.

I find that I'm being too harsh on myself, and that often makes everything worse.

I saw a TikTok the other day of a girl who was talking about how although she's in med school, she works over 20 hours a week, goes to the gym, volunteers, travels, and also spends time with her friends and family. She said "your sign that you can do it all." Someone stitched her video talking about the spoon theory and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

The spoon theory is essentially the idea that every task you complete in a day has a value in spoons. A normal person starts their day with seemingly endless possibilities and a seemingly endless supply of spoons. Therefore, they are able to do pretty much whatever they please, whenever they please, without running out of spoons/energy to keep going.

Meanwhile, a person with a chronic illness that impacts their daily life functions and overall quality of life starts their day with an extremely limited number of spoons. There are only so many tasks that they can complete with the number of spoons they have, so they have to be selective in planning their day and might have to make some sacrifices.

For example, I live with chronic mental illness. Tasks that seem mundane to everyone else, like getting out of bed, getting dressed, brushing your teeth, showering, and eating, take an extreme amount of effort for me to complete. Say, for me, each of those things cost one spoon, and I only wake up with 12 spoons to spend on my entire day (compared to the average person who wakes up with, say, 30 spoons). I have to complete all of those seemingly mundane tasks (some even multiple times a day), AND I still have to remember to take my medicine, make the 30 minute walk to and from school, go to class, go to work, complete reading for the next day, and study, all of which cost anywhere between 2-4 spoons. How do I do all of that with only 12 spoons? Just by getting out of bed, getting dressed, and brushing my teeth, I'm already 3 spoons down. I know that I'll have to shower and eat at least once at some point during the day, so that makes 5, maybe 7, spoons down. With one meal a day I'm already left with only 7 spoons, and I have a to do list worth way more than 7 spoons.

So how do you cope with this? You place careful thought in how you choose to spend your spoons, and you learn to give yourself grace if you can't accomplish everything. You can't compare your lifestyle and your accomplishments to those of people who live life with significantly more spoons than you do.

A person who completes all their tasks, using all 30 of their spoons gives 100%. But a person who doesn't complete all of their tasks, but still uses all 12 of their spoons, also gives 100%.

Be kind to yourself. You can't continue beating yourself up, making your situation even worse. Recognize that although you are not exactly where you want to be at the moment, you are still giving 100% of yourself, and that is something to be proud of. <3

.

Note: spoon theory was coined by Christine Miserandino on the blog "butyoudontlooksick.com"

graphic from @SpoonieSisterShop on IG