#but im so . its so bad my dysmorphia is so bad i dont know if i even CAN go swimming anymore. theres gonna be more people than just my

[ttoya]

stared at geto suguru a little too long and now my gender envy is so bad, it makes me wanna SCREAM

[chanselysees]

.

[ispyspookymansion]

:/

[sm0kebreaks]

So like. As amazing at the tma has been about fat acceptance and love and has been absolutely vital to a lot of my self acceptance as a fat trans man, because this fandom actually talks about fat people (as opposed to other fandoms where fat characters and hcs are nonexistent), it means it’s also exposed me to the most and worst fatphobia of any fandom. I genuinely don’t even gaf about the actual discourse discussed in this fandom, it’s generally the people who negatively react to discourse of ppl complaining about fatphobia. The initial problems are usually ignorable to me, but it ends up bringing up peoples voices that make it incredibly clear what their true thoughts about fat ppl are. Idrk why I thought I should share this with you, ig just seeing if you have similar experiences.

I struggle here because i don't like to feel like i am attacking other artists. i'm a hater and i love to complain but i know i have my own short comings. but when it comes to the fatphobia in this fandom im always left not knowing how to talk about things because people will come to me and tell me why my complaint about someone thinning out a fat character is wrong or bad.

do keep in mind i dont really engage with the tma fandom as much i feel very much on the outskirts so this is jsut what i feel like i see on my end and i'm sure theres way more going on i simply dont know

in recent months we have had a newer influx of artists in the fandom who have come in with their own interpretations of the characters which is all fine and good. its jarring sometimes when we become so used to these formless characters looking a certain way that when new people enter the fandom with different ideas it feels wrong and like an attack.

the biggest issue has been people drawing a thinner martin. and while of course everyones welcome to their own interpretation and martin expressing that he's not exactly the smallest guy has multiple ways to be interpreted it is extremely frustrating to see people take that as giving him the most bare minimum extra weight. especially when having a fat character as desirable and as a love interest and such a Fun character is so far and few between

i could go on and on about how each time a popular artist posts a thin martin it gives everyone who looks up to them the excuse to do the same and it's why it's become such a prevalent thing lately. i don't think popular artists should have to worry about being good role models or anything in a fandom i think if youre making art you should do it for fun but it sucks to see when someone becomes so influential and are creating a problem. i deleted like three paragraphs on this alone so i'm going to move on.

i think what i see in the fandom most in regards to fatphobia is a skill issue. people don't know how to draw fat characters. but it also feels like people are barely trying. the artist i have in mind who i would consider to draw skinny martins DOES add a bit of roundness to him. i can aknowledge theyre doing SOMETHING. but you can't come to me and tell me that i can't criticize their art because culturally that's fat to them... like sure it could be. but it's also definitely a limitation of their art style and ability and instead of defending them and patting them on the back for doing good enough shouldnt we encourage people to grow and improve? what an amazing asset to be able to draw people of all size and variety. thats an AMAZING abillity to have in youre tool belt. i wish i had more resources for drawing bodyfat but unfortunately i do not. i have learned from looking at people and luckily having a lot of large loved ones in my life i've learned from as well as you know.. my own body to learn from. and learning to draw bodyfat and drawing characters i love with it has done wonders for my body dysmorphia.

i went on a rambling tangent and idk how coherent all of that is but the end point is that fatphobia sucks it has no place in this or any fandom and we need to practice our skills instead of erasing something that has made this fandom so wonderful to me.

here's some resources

[fyorina]

hii, i discovered your account about a month ago. i don't know if it's right to say this but at that time actually i was feeling so low about myself (maybe im sharing too much, if its make you uncomfortable you dont have to answer 😔) im 19 years old and have some body issues (stretch marks, gaining weight etc.) but when i read your fics it make me feel like more "good" i dont know how to describe but reading your fics feels like i have comfort-zone (most them are not like comfort fics but qjsiwskdjeksj) i just want to tell your writing makes me feel distracted, i hope that i get less insecure about time but your writing make me really happy at my lowest and i just want to thank you! i hope youre doing well. (it is mine first actually writing something like this i hope that its not weird you out 😭😭)

love bug ill ACTUALLY cry this doesn't weird me out at all stop it im so sorry it's taken me forever to respond to this & i hope u see this i feel so bad actually i hope u don't think i ignored this

honestly your ask hits so hard - ive struggled with eds and dysmorphia my entire life and honestly i was at my lowest at around your age, so i know just how hard it is to feel comfortable and happy in your own skin and i know how important it is to find places that can effectively keep your mind away from everything. it genuinely makes me so happy to hear - and honestly heals a little bit of me too - that my fics can be a place like that for you.

i hope over time you come to feel more confident and love yourself, stretch marks are beautiful!! i have some myself, i've learned to love them over time and i hope you do too. my inbox is always open love bug you are free to come chat any time, and my dms are open too if you need someone to talk to

[pjisskullourful]

I'm so proud of you

🫂⭐

thankyoooou my darling💖

stream of consciousness response cos i have so many feelings& idk if im gonna be able to sleep even though its 1.30am? okcurrrrr

holy fuck. holy fuck. HOLY FUCK!!!

i had some shitty things happen to me pre -pandemic but then being on lockdown i was forced to sit with all of that, accept the label of 'victim'& my mental health got bad. i've always been a homebody& a bit anxious in social situations, but during lockdown i became quite terrified of the outside world. there are occasions when i let my best friend down by pulling out of commitments at the last second cos i never felt good enough, i wanted to hide the fuck away, i felt myself decaying& i thought people would see that& i was SO ashamed& thats when the body dysmorphia got in the drivers seat(the street name of the concert venue was driver, i'll be the driverrrrrr)& it was crippling & took so many things from me

anytime i leave the house is an accomplishment for me now. even if its just to walk down the block to buy a loaf of bread. & going into a situation like a concert, with the overstimulation, the complete lack of control (i am a perfectionist, control freak)(i love structure, i need routines to feel safe & thrive& be happy)- i wasnt sure i could do it. i had a cry last night cos i was feeling so intimidated, i didnt know how to prepare

but i made it out of the house. i dressed myself to the fucking nines with no shame. i took PRIDE in my appearance when usually i just want to be a floating brain so that no one can perceive me in my form. i was serving CUNT, i put my entire pussy into it& i fucking did it

to be in the presence of those four fuckers, im in disbelief. i've been unemployed since a bit before the pandemic, i've had to come to terms with ptsd & the fact that i now have a disability & idk how to just jump into another job. i feel so worthless so often. but here, i dont. i had given up on my dream of making money from my writing. but now i am!(& it started with an ethan commission!!!) & im not worthless& i have accomplishments that i have gained for myself, despite everything else, despite the voice in my head telling me im not good enough, im past my peak, im decaying -- yada yada yada suicidal ideation

a little bit of my dream came true because of those four fuckers. i cried the day honey came out cos i am just so completely grateful for everything being a fan of them has given me

& it started with an ethan commission. & then ethan looked in my eyes& said thank you

i am not worthless, i am not past my peak. i am a motherfucking kool kid

thankyou for every note on every fic(i look at every single notification, they make my heart fucking soar), every kudos, every cent anyone has sent my way. tonight was a celebration of all of that& i could be present& happy& in it. no darkness could touch me, especially not while ethan was looking at me

he is as fucking flawless in person(they all are). i got to stand so close& stare at that fucking body(cos he wonderfully took his shirt off after interval)& i love him& i'll most likely love him forever, thats my baby daddy ❣️ my mum is gonna be so proud. i wish i could wake her up with a phone call. ethan is her fav& i cant wait to tell her i had an interaction with him

i sat in the gutter& went from loudly laughing(ala gaga in aura) to sobbing loudly. my world has been rocked

for some people a concert is just a concert but this is a GIGANTIC deal for me. middle finger to my anxiety. middle finger to my body dysmorphia. this is such an accomplishment. i am grateful for every fucking second, grateful to myself cos i fucking DID IT!

& this is the second time this year that i've seen a eurovision winner perform their winning song(cos my girl conchita back at the start of the year). & that is dopee as fuck!!!

my therapist is gonna be so proud 🥲

can i get a HELL YEAH for vallium? ily forever bby

tldr-- im proud of me too babyyyyyy

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

[ttaibhse]

.

im sure ive said almost this exact same thing before but the experience of having been very thin and now being kind of fat is still so weird and like difficult to grapple with for me lol. especially because when i was very thin well you know i didnt think i was like there were definitely times when the dysmorphia delusions werent as bad but i still absolutely thought i was at least chubby and like even when i was taking/seeing pictures of myself where i looked skinny i was like well i just know how to fake it for the camera. lol. but now i look back on pics of myself from 4/5/6 years ago and its ridiculous how thin i was and i guess the people around me thought that was just normal for me because i only remember one person ever commenting on it and that was with concern like "you dont have any weight to loose" or something along those lines. which at the time to me just seemed absurd dfhgdfg. but NOW im not thin anymore and i know im not and its not just my imagination but i still dont really have a grasp on what i look like so im often scared that im even bigger than i think i am and ive got like reverse dysmorphia or something lmao. and i feel like ive let myself down somehow by not being able to eat normally without gaining loads of weight and i KNOW like i KNOW the circumstances under which i was very thin were extreme and it was not at all sustainable because not only was i barely eating i was also on testosterone so even if i went back to barely eating i wouldnt have the testosterone factor anymore. and it was miserable!!!!!!!!!!!! i wasnt well!!!!!!!! but GHHFD i feel like i should have been able to do it better somehow. like somehow come off the metabolism boosting drug and started eating normally without gaining weight. lmao. like if i had exercised more or been more disciplined or something. which is kind of contrary to the spirit of eating disorder recovery But i still somehow feel like it didnt really count as an eating disorder and just eating more and getting fat doesnt count as "recovery". oh whatever lol this thought process happens every single time i see an old picture of myself i should just stop looking at them

[skz4thgenleaders14]

I'm 14 and my family treats me like sht. am I overreacting?

TW!!! mentions of $h, su!c!de and mental health.

Okay so im 13 turning 14 in 20 days so basically 14. Me and my family have had issues in the past but it seems like they make fun of me for a hobby. First of all, im extremely interested in kpop especially the popular groups such as skz, bts, txt and my family constantly makes fun of me and calls me an asian lover which makes me super uncomfortable because im trying to just enjoy the music and support the idols and they call me severely nasty names on a daily basis that i will not being saying here. Since i was 12 turning 13 so back in 2022 i struggled with self harm, ed and looking after myself. My siblings would call me an emo lesbian that cuts and they also made comments like "shut up you'll kill yourself before you even make it to year 10" (im in year 8 as of right now). it hurts because they know what im going through and one of my siblings who says it even has experienced the same thing but thats no excuse to call me horrendous names. My parents are as equally bad they tell me im attention seeking and i just needa snap out of it. I attemped to end my life twice and haven't opened up to anybody about it because whenever i would ask to have a chat they would say "dont start this shit again" or "here we go again" and simply brush it off. The thing that affected me the most was when i start to have good days and feel comfortable about my body and scars my parents would point out my self harm and when I would politely tell them to stop they would say "well thats your fault for doing it where people can see maybe next time you should do it where we cant see" and I'd get called a cow, bitch, brat etc. This also overlaps on my drama at school. Im in the process of moving schools but its not definent. at my current school my friend tries to compete w me w mental health, she even admits she tries to act 'depressed' and 'emo'. she brushes off my feelings and acts as if shes the 'left out' main character yet i follow her everywhere,hangout with her, defend her, help her out yet its not enough for her. one day i decided to hang w one of my friends in class bc ive had enough of doing stuff for her without appreciation and she got mad and avoided me and started victim playing so i attempted to run away at snack break but when the attendence got taken the email went thru to my parents and they called me telling me to get back in class. everyone at school hates me because my bully moved schools after bullying me in year 6 and said some nasty shit about me. i also struggle from an ed and i have severe body dysmorphia but my parents tell me to 'just eat' or to 'just stop eating' depending if its a binge day or the opposite. my so called friend makes me ucomfortable and thinks mental health is enjoyable aswell as self diagnosing herself. i want to run away from everything but im lost and i dont know what to do. am i overreacting or is my family and friends actual assholes??

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

i am working through something and i wanted to express it somewhere but it feels too personal to say publicly.. and your blog feels like a safe place to confess things.. I want to go on hrt but am terrified of my mother's reaction. she knows im trans and is a lot more ok with it than she used to be but she still doesn't understand and is really bothered by her own lack of understanding. and my sense is that when my appearance changes from T shes going to hate it and be extremely upset. I'm an adult and I dont want to be controlled by my mother's feelings but due to my family dynamics growing up I have rotated around her feelings my whole life, its not as bad as it used to be but i still feel her feelings are dangerous and painful to me. I have a great support system, im blessed with so many friends and even my older siblings who I wasn't close with have been very supportive of me being trans. I dont need to be scared, materially I will be safe and loved even if my mother hurts me. but still its so terrifying to me. I want to get over this and not feel so dependent on her approval, but at the same time i dont even know if its possible. who can help wanting their mother to love them? or even more than love, because i know she does love me and thats really why its so hard, i want her to approve of me and be happy for me. I dont want the happiness i know i will feel from going on hrt to be ruined by her hating my life choices. my spiritual life is pushing me to take control of my life and bring my internal self and reality into the material, I know i cant keep ignoring my own physical desires and living with dissonance between the internal and external...so im moving towards that and i know i'll get there regardless its just terrifying and i wanted to talk about it.. uhh ya sorry this is so personal and emotional i hope it isnt uncomfortable for you or anyone else to read because i know these are really painful issues for many people. and i don't expect you to have any advice necessarily i know htese are huge issues to work through... i just wanted to express it and put it into the world that i'm working on this. thank you for letting me use your askbox to talk! hope your day is great

thankyou for trusting me with your confession anon <3 its not at all uncomfortable to me for you to confide your feelings.. Does anyone who's transitioned have supportive advice they cld leave for anon in the replies? i dont want to speak on something i havent personally experienced.

One thing i do relate to immensely is having a mother who doesn't try to see you as a unique individual, and becomes very displeased when u act in ways that don't align with her worldview. my mom will straight up tell me i look ugly with pink hair. my mom knows i make music but she's never asked to hear one of my songs. she doesn;t want to know about anything that interests me or my motivations in life. etc etc. and it's that same feeling of like, well, she does Love me i think, but i'll never feel that she truly approves of me. idk what the answer is..in my own life it has lead to me being quite a distant person, and rebellious in nature, i coped with it by purposefully leaning into the parts of me she disapproved of most. but idk if that's been healthy for me.

ultimately, we will disappoint everyone in our lives at one point or another.. Sometimes even when u try ur best to please someone it still doesn't work out. so please dont be too hard on urself <3 One thing im learning to cope with my ocd spirals (usually body dysmorphia or guilt related) is to "zoom out", try and redirect my thoughts to the bigger picture of life, it makes my own problems feel smaller in a way that doesn;t silence or dismiss them, just re-contextualizes them in that moment and makes it feel less imminent & overwhelming. mayb i can talk more about methods and analogies for this sometime.

Hope u can find some peace anon and i'm sure your hopes and dreams will materialize for u if u just keep going & focusing your energy on ur dreams. Stay safe <333 PMD9

[ruinikaido]

bad shallow idiotic "eating disorder" talk below but i feel like im going to explode if i dont rant but like dont read it if youre going to make fun of me for being vapid actually dont read it at all for your mental health ok love you

i feel stupid when people have a legitimate and sad reason for why they have disordered eating like they feel like they dont deserve it or like they want to die or have control or something poetic like that like i fr just want to be pretty and i have severe body dysmorphia so like thats so stupid literally my only reason is i look like shit so i want to fix it WHY AM I SO FUCKING SHALLOW (btw if youre the same me being mean to myself about it doesnt apply to you ok i love you and youre beautiful) and its always like the prettiest people ever like that so its like ohhhhhhhhh so its actually over im actually just a piece of shit? ohhhhhhh ok that makes sense also when people who dont have an eating disorder eat less than me i start actually killing myself i dont know why im so competitive i literally feel evil when i eat more than like 1000 cals a day because i KNOW theres people who arent disordered and still eat that little out of choice and im like ohhhhhh so im just lazy and i eat a normal amount and im just dramatic and not disordered even though i go without eating a lot of the time anyway on top of how much i usually eat i literally ate like a cup of sago today and that was enough to make me want to die for even accepting it near me and wanting to eat it i feel like the laziest piece of shit ever for wanting to eat it TBH i consider eating ~1500 cals a day binging for me 😊wow!

[iris-jaxx665]

Re: weight loss

At the justifiable risk of offense, because no one needs to be commenting on anyone else's body... I've been worried that including your weight and temp with your potd posts was related to weight loss.

Worried because that kind of monitoring can so very easily lead to other very destructive and maladaptive behaviors.

Your body is yours to do with what you want, but I'm hoping I can reassure you that unless there's some underlying medical condition that's making your weight dangerous, you seem absolutely fine. Even if you gain more weight, having fat on your body is not inherently unhealthy.

The whole weight loss industry... I could rant for hours. And hours more about how the medical industry supports it. How BMI is an inherently problematic metric, made worse by being decontextualized and applied in ways it was not designed for. How calory counting and the whole concept of specific calories per day is just whole cloth made up with no medical basis. I could just rant for days, but this isn't the time or place...

So if I may ask, from a genuine place of concern, does this come from a body image issue? Some sort of dysmorphia? Or maybe some outside influence leading you to believe you need to be thinner?

I've seen so many friends be devoured by weight loss. You seem like such a wonderful person and weight loss disorders cause such unnecessary pain and struggle. No one deserves to live under that kind of stress...

no offense taken, i asked for open discussion with the hope and plan to receive it.

including the weight and temp checks with my potd posts isnt weight loss related, though i understand the thought process there, its fertility related, as im cycle tracking and the basal body temp is supposed to be linked to fertility cues.

i spent a fair number of years deeply anorexic, and im always fighting not to resort to the measures i once took to take control of my body, as thats a large part of what it was for me as well as body image and dismorphia issues. ive been in remission and healing from those issues since recovering from my first pregnancy in 2015. and its been difficult.

currently this weight loss has medical impetus. i went to a cunt doctor in may for curiosity concerning my fertility, and He had me do about 20 blood tests. one of those tests showed that my cholesterol was insanely high, dangerously high. the doctors suggestion was lose some weight, be more active, cut out fats. so im trying to do so safely.

its also in part that i am unhappy with my appearance, just slightly. i know having some fat is healthy and better for my body than having none, i just feel that i have a little more than i would like. i feel lethargic about half the week, i cant walk for more than 30 minutes or so (in part because of my bad knee, which im also working on), and im unsure of what strain my weight may put on my bad lungs and my fragile heart.

i could rant just as long about the medical industry, bmi and weight, as it all concerns to women and how its fucked, but my foster father had a heart attack recently with 100% blockage (dumb bastard drove himself to the hospital) and that as well as his many cancers, my foster mothers heart/ liver/ kidney failures. its all scared me rather harshly about my own health.

thank you for your concern, currently i just want to lose a little fat and gain some muscle, so i can keep up with my Owner on long walks and hikes, so i can keep up with my future kids (if i can have them) for as long as they want me to, so i can have enough strength in my body to hold my grandkids one day. because i dont as yet feel that i could if i got the chance.

[rolaplayor101]

Cmon

Give us the thoughts

Ok so It's been a few months since I binged Ben 10 uaf but i was thinking about this, I cant get this monologue in my mind out of my head so I'm gonna finally write it all out and im sorry if some info is wrong and I dont make any sense, this is stream of consciousness rn

So, like, you ever think about how Ben is in the car alone with Gwen when they're arguing about Kevin and his current state of serial violence and how we never see him yell like that, and how in alien force he was in the car with Julie and Kevin and Gwen and he would insist on not arguing with her when they were being watched, and now when he's alone with Gwen, without Kevin, he can let it all out? And how Kevin has pretty significant body dysmorphia and how that is seen as his most important and most conflicting trait, the thing he hates the most and that he struggles with so much over and over and how Albedo also has body dysmorphia and that its played for a joke and not taken with the same amount of seriousness and caution that Kevin's is, and that Kevin never comments on it despite having the exact same issue, and like how literally all Albedo wants is his og body back but even by the end of the whole series he never gets it back and its supposed to be funny funny haha too bad for him even though his whole thing with Azmuth was even said by him in UAF to no longer matter to him if he could just get his galvan body

and that Ben was established to make jokes and act all cocky because if he didn't he would lose his mind and break under all the pressure and that when he was separated into three different Ben's when he was at Julie's tennis match he kept trying to talk to Kevin about how their relationship with each other has changed since they were kids and how he considers him his best friend and how in the episode that they were trapped in the Perplexahedron looking for the piece of the map of infinity or whatever he gets to have that conversation seriously with Kevin about how much they appreciate each other and they have an intimate moment and how quickly Ben goes from that scene to being ready to kill Kevin, and he was ready to do it, but as soon as another viable option comes up he takes it just like that and how he goes over to Jimmy's to talk about his relationship with Julie and he infodumps and really talks about all his thoughts to this kid and how he kisses Gwens forehead before he chooses to sacrifice himself to save the transformations in his omnitrix and how he hugs Grampa Max when he finds him in the Null Void after he was presumed dead and how he makes an effort to get to know and change Reiny when they're stuck on some random planet without food or water despite having tried to kill each other just before and how it's kinda like what he kept wanting to talk about with Kevin

And how when Gwen intimidated Zombozo into never bothering the Tennyson family and friends again by threatening to kill them and how Ben intimidated the Forever Knights in The Purge by straight up threatening to kill them in how i recount to be a more visceral way and how mad he gets about Area 51, and how Kevin had a life before meeting Gwen, like he had Argit and a mentor he looked up to and he got engaged to someone and he watched Captain Planet and got a car and a drivers licence and how he literally doesn't hang out with anyone else except for Argit sometimes and even then he acts like he doesn't actually care about him, and how they all died??? Like they literally all just died??? From Charmcaster??? And Ben was ready to give up his life, practically commited, but that ended up working in his favor and yet he died??? From her?? And he also did all that threatening, him and Gwen, and yet they died??? So shes the strongest character??

And Kevin, like, has a mom?? We see his mom for the first time and she's got her son's style and then we never see her again but we do see his stepdad and they have that super intimate kinda out of nowhere conversation and his stepdad is like "I dont want your mom to see you like this" and it almost works, and how once again Kev and Albedo both have body dysmorphia and how online its equated with body dysphoria and being trans when body dysmorphia is itself also its own thing, and how Ben works well with anyone he meets- like Elena, Manny and Helen, Alan, Pierce, and Cooper. He works well with Rex, and the Saturday's, and Simian for awhile, and Eunice, and literally he's just nice to all these people and he's adaptable, like as soon as he found out Simian was the bad guy he made a plan, and same with Cooper when he found out Kevin could be saved. Also, like, Ben hugging Julie in the Prom episode, and hugging her in the last episode of ua, and smiling at Kevin when he turned back, or when he was yelling at the leaders of the war in the episode Simple which is another time he gets unusually angry for himself

and how you'd look at all these things and think his character is inconsistent but no, i think he's just a 15 to 16 year old kid figuring himself out and feeling emotions and changing from day to day with each life threatening adventure its not like he's a uber serious thirty year old man whose suddenly acting super sweet and handing out candy bars he's a teenager who doesn't have his personality figured out yet because he rarely has time for himself, like Gwen literally says that Ben keeps staying up late with her and Kevin while they patrol because he has nightmares and then it comes up again later that he's still not sleeping good, and then theres the episodes where aliens just appear in his room and either attack him or give him trophies and finally you have Albedos attack that backfires and ends up with him living out his worst nightmares in a dream like of course the kids inconsistent hes a mess it's not bad writing in fact i feel like thats realistic af

[idealspawn]

i really wanted to see this one movie that my friend invited me to see but my body dysmorphia fucked everything up again. although im comfortable with her and she literally has been the only friend ive seen for months she also without asking involved one of my other friends into the plan and i found out just now through the other friend although we had the plan that its just the two of us for so long already. its not that i have ANYTHING against that friend, she is one of my closest friends but my body dysmorphia is really triggered around her. this isnt the first time she does this and every single time i just havent showed up when i found out last minute that she added more ppl to our plans that im not comfortable with. i dont blame her because people who dont have body dysmorphia just inherently arent able to understand that it isnt just like a cute little insecurity but i literally have severe anxiety because of it and isolate myself. i just told her that ill dip out and tell my other friend that i forgot to tell im actually busy because i dont want her to think i dont want to hang out w her because the issue isnt her as a person its my fucking body dysmorphia but now im sad because i really really wanted to go see that movie and there wont be any more screenings, its a special film festival. its just sad because she knows i have body dysmorphia and i dont want to see other people but she still fails to think abt it and consider it when we have plans. im sad, i really wanted to see my friend too but i cant go if it isnt just her because im just not comfortable with seeing ppl right now. i barely have even attended any of my lectures just bc i dont want people to see me, like its debilitating. this is the one time i wish i didnt know anyone or have any friends in this city or my class like last year because i just cant deal w the pressure of interacting or going anywhere when i look like this. i told her its ok but its not. im crying and my face and eyes are stinging so bad because of the dryness. her saying i made her feel bad now only guilt tripped me too because i feel like an inconvenience and a burden. i know it sounds small but it isnt because its the only time i wouldve left my house this week so i dont go fully insane. i can only do certain things w certain people and on certain days so that i doesnt trigger my anxiety that much.

[tomboyyyaoi]

hmm ed/dysphoria/dysmorphia tw i just need to talk abt this somewhere, just general body insecurity issues ahead

summer gets so hard for me coz i really really struggle with my weight, body dysmorphia, dysphoria and it doesnt help ive also noticed my posture getting worse (ive basically got a hump in my neck and its really making my insecurity issues worse)

ive had a bit of weight gain recently which i thought id recovered enough to be okay with but im really not, the main issue being its really noticable at my chest, it also doesnt help my posture is abysmal so it really only serves to make me feel worse about myself and feel more insecure in clothes that are loose around the neck, i thought i was okay being my bigger self but god ive fallen down a bit, ive been eating healthier (much needed since ive been unemployed and going out less) and ive really enjoyed it but ive been eating like shit and feeling like shit the past few weeks n it doesnt help my mum took a video yesterday which im basically front and centre in and god. my posture, my double chin, my face has never looked rounder it was awful, i cried, ive never felt such a disconnect between my brain and body, it made me really dysphoric too, i didnt think i looked like that.

ive been in a hoodie all day despite sweating my ass off, i cant take it off without thinking about my boobs and neck and posture, i feel terrible, i really thought i was doing better than this.

the problems less so that i look fat its that i look feminine when i get bigger, i can only think abt being this cute round little girl and its not me anymore, i dont wanna feel tied to that, i know its so unrealistic for me to ever be skinny but if i could just look a bit more androgynous, my chest isnt exactly small enough to get good binding results, its just really putting me back in the mindset i was in when i was at the peak of my ed in high school on this vicious cylce of starving myself then binge eating, i cant go back to that, i dont wanna go thru that again, but i can feel it creeping up on me and im really scared

ive also been really stressed about my birthday coming up where my mum gets all sentimental and embarrasses us by putting baby pics up everywhere and she absolutely does not respect how deeply insecure it makes me (she insists our birthdays are equally for her as they are for us which, i guess, but still) im just terrified to have so many eyes on me while im at a really bad place with my insecurities rn, im just really having a bad one

[summertimeskinney]

lol just ranting

anyone else at the point where they are just maintaining even tho they arent even close to their ugw? bc im 130 rn and maintaining it but my ugw is at least 74/75 but im just at the point where im not always completely disgusted by my body because im looking at it more subjectively and i dont think i would look good skin and bone.. honestly i dont even know why im doing this anymore. Like i dont even remember why i started doing this in the first place. my hw was like 150-160 and the only reason i became aware of my weight was because authority figures in my life were pointing it out (according to my bmi i was only slightly overweight) I started losing weight rapidly in freshman year because i discovered proana and found a community of people who were in the same situation. and i was praised.. by everyone? i was starving, then i was binge/purging. how did i even end up like this? i mean ive never really had the best relationship with food but i was only overeating a bit. now i eat until i feel so sick that i puke or am in physical pain. i can make myself throw up on demand now? ive gone literal days without eating anything. like nothing at all besides diet soda, sugar free monster, and water. im at the point where my brain is in a constant battle between the decision to binge or starve. i'll just be minding my business than my brain will be like "if you were 80lbs it wouldn't be this way" or "you're so fat, it wouldn't even be hard to be 100lbs or less. like. what are you doing? why are you so heavy and gross?" it won't stop. and instead of starving like i used to i just binge, like all day. and i dont purge either.. i don't even know whats going on anymore. im not depressed like i used to be, but i can't get the thoughts out of my head. i guess you really are in it forever? i never really believed all the warning posts about how bad eds are and how you can never go back, or maybe i just ignored them. i cant even fathom what i really look like. i have body dysmorphia in all the ways. not only do i think that despite being 5' tall and 130 lbs i would fit into anything bigger than a small. i feel gross, but ik that when i go to the doctor she's going to say that i need to lose more weight because im 2 lbs from being in a normal bmi rage. despite my titties literally weighing almost 10lbs. but then i already have troubles fitting into clothes, most places don't carry more than a small or xs in person and almost never go over a small online. i am already an xs - small as an "overweight" person. I cant imagine how hard it would be to find clothes that actually fit me at 75 lbs soaking wet. i saw a video by jesse page today talking about how she always thought that to be a princess she had to be as delicate as possible and never take up space, but then how after gaining weight she fit her princess dresses better and relearned how to feel beautiful. i want to be a delicate little doll that you could toss around and never took up a whole seat. a pretty little doll that you had to be extra careful with because you didn't want me to break. ik its not good to feel this way but i can't change the temptation to forever be empty, live off candy and diet coke, and never eat real food again. to be more of an object than a human being. but then the logical side of my brain pipes in and is like hi, i dont care what i weigh but i want to have a strong healthy body with some good biceps. i dont know how to help myself or be normal.

anyways

im fasting n laxing tmrw bc i need a cleanse. lol bye