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slaymitchabernathy · 3 months

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Cold & Calculated

Coriolanus POV

"You haven't touched your wine."

Soarynn glances at her full glass of wine before looking back down at her plate, "I'm not in the mood for wine tonight."

Well then what are you in the mood for? That's what Coriolanus wishes he could ask, but he refrains from doing so and simply waves one of the maids over, "Bring my wife a different wine, something sweeter."

Soarynn sighs and shakes her head, holding her hand up to the maid, "Please don't trouble yourself, I'll just have water instead."

Their maid seems to be torn down the middle, wondering who they should obey. The wife, or the husband?

Coriolanus makes the decision for her and waves her off, settling his stare on his wife who's barely uttered a word since he got back home. He thought things might be different after Soarynn visited him at the office today but they're the same as always. He had been patiently waiting for Soarynn to bring him the file and when she did, he felt as if he had been let down.

She had knocked on his doors and entered once given permission, simply handing him over the file before promising to see him later. What was the point in having her come all that way?

He might as well have enlisted the help of a Peacekeeper rather than Soarynn who was barely able to maintain eye contact with him. And when he arrived home, she was in bed! In bed at six o'clock. Why she was in bed at this hour was beyond him but she roused herself and managed to make an appearance at dinner.

The girl was eating like a sparrow though, picking at her plate and it was beginning to frustrate Coriolanus. "Would you like the cook to make you something else to eat?" He asks, taking a bite of his chicken, the chicken that Soarynn normally loves. Soarynn pushes her plate away and shakes her head, "I'm not very hungry."

"You're not hungry," he repeats, his tone cold, "and you're not thirsty, so what are you Soarynn?" He's never spoken to her like this before, like a child but he's at the end of his fucking rope. If they can't behave like a normal couple, then they might as well be at each other's throats at all hours of the day.

Soarynn shoots him a lethal glare and pushes her chair back from the table, "I'm not going to be spoken to like I'm some sort of invalid," she tells him, quickly standing up and moving towards the doorway. Coriolanus is hot on her heels and follows her into the kitchen where the cook and the rest of their staff are bound to have front-row seats to witness the shitshow this marriage is becoming.

Did he marry the wrong girl? Does Soarynn have some evil twin he's never heard of? As far as he knows, she's the only child of a widowed man but people lie all the time.

Soarynn grabs an apple from their fruit platter and forges into the living room, completely ignoring him, "I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

Coriolanus stops in his tracks, truly baffled by this behavior. He needs a drink, a vacation, something. He needs to call Festus.

꧁ ꧂

"So...you just let her walk away?" Festus asks, clearly appalled by the story Coriolanus just told him. Coriolanus nods and takes another sip of his bourbon, "She said she was going to bed, what was I supposed to do?"

Festus rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose, "For someone so smart, you're absolutely hopeless, you know that right?" Coriolanus glares at him but Festus ignores him entirely and continues, "You're supposed to fight for her Coryo! Make her know that you care. You do care for her don't you?"

Coriolanus scoffs and sets his drink down on the table, "Of course, I care about her, she's my wife." Festus shakes his head, "I mean do you really care about her? About her feelings and her interests? Is she more than a pretty face to you? Because you can always just get a divorce and marry someone else if Soarynn isn't making you happy."

Coriolanus nearly throws up at the idea of getting a divorce, something that is highly frowned upon in their higher circles. The only reason to divorce one's spouse is in the case of abuse, simple as that, not because Coriolanus can't get his wife to hold a decent conversation with him anymore. He'd rather be miserable than be shunned from the Capitol elite and his parents would never forgive him for ruining a perfect marriage.

Well, a perfect marriage on paper. In real life, it's a different story.

"I do care about her," he says with a sigh, "I care about her more than I care about myself, I just...I can't find it in myself to tell her that. Do you know what I mean?"

Festus leans back in his armchair, looking around the bar they're currently sitting in before he shakes his head, "Not really," he admits, "I've always told Persephone how I felt about her. First she annoyed me," he rolls his eyes, "but then I couldn't go a day without seeing her," he adds with a grin, "she's a great fit for me and Soarynn is a great fit for you from what I've seen."

Festus isn't wrong. Soarynn is so kind and gentle, with an aura of femininity that not every woman possesses. She's charming and eloquent and she's so beautiful.

"She is," Coriolanus agrees, "and I don't want her to be miserable, but I just want to be closer to her so that we don't have arguments like this that end with me in a bar with you and Soarynn at home by herself."

Festus scoffs, "What's wrong with being in a bar with me? And I highly doubt that one fight is going to ruin your marriage. Go home, shower first because you smell like a bar, then apologize and find out what's going on with her. Women are hormonal, emotional creatures," Festus says matter-of-factly.

Coriolanus thinks about it for a moment before nodding, "Alright, I'll go home and apologize for the way I spoke to her this evening and then ask if something's happened recently. I asked her a couple days ago but she lied straight to my face."

Festus raises his eyebrows, "Maybe she's planning something for you, like a surprise party." Coriolanus gives Festus a knowing look, "Well if she was throwing me a surprise party, then she would've told you and now you've ruined it for me."

Festus grins at him and shrugs, "Well we aren't throwing you a surprise party, but maybe it's something else. Maybe she's pregnant." Coriolanus widens his eyes at that suggestion that Festus so carelessly threw out. All of his married friends are trying to have children but everyone's so freshly married that nothing's come of it yet.

But Coriolanus can't remember the last time that Soarynn got her period and she always gets it the first week of the month since getting her birth control implant removed before their wedding. Getting her period again after years of not having it had been a bit of a learning curve for her and Coriolanus ended up going to the pharmacy one evening to buy every feminine product under the sun for her.

Some of those products made his skin crawl, strange flexible discs, and cups you could put up there to catch the blood. Being a woman must be terribly difficult if this is what they've been given to deal with.

But if Soarynn was pregnant, she'd tell him. Right?

Soarynn POV

Soarynn sits on the edge of the tub, waiting.

Not waiting for her husband who stormed out of the penthouse two hours ago, no. Coriolanus is a grown man who can take care of himself, she's not too worried about him right now. But she's quite worried about what this pregnancy test is going to tell her in exactly one minute and fifteen seconds.

Her fingers drum against the porcelain tub and Petunia paws at her ankle, letting out a soft meow. Soarynn gives her cat a soft smile before bending down to scoop her up, "Our lives might change Petunia," she tells her, "or they won't, and then I just argued with Coriolanus for no reason at all."

Soarynn has seen Coriolanus argue with his friends enough times to know that she got off easy tonight. He can be ruthless in even the smallest and silliest of arguments like the time he swore Festus was cheating in a game of charades.

She's glad he left though, most likely to blow off some steam before slipping into bed once she's fallen asleep. Visiting him in his office today felt so...strange, it was nearly suffocating. It was as if the tension. between them was so thick that neither of them felt as if they could breathe a single word to one another.

At least not a genuine word.

And then he insisted that she have some wine and now it's all fallen apart!

Soarynn checks her watch again and it's finally time to see if she's pregnant. On her way home from the office, she weighed out the possibility of her being pregnant. Her somewhat smaller appetite, her dizziness, and she was certain that her period was late. She'd have to ask Coriolanus about her period since he always marked the beginning of it on his calendar. She had sent him out one time to get her some products and ever since the man has been stockpiling for her in advance.

Pads, tampons, napkins, new underwear, a heating pad, he's got her covered.

Soarynn sighs and reaches out and grabs the test off of the counter, turning it over and gasping when she sees two thick lines. She's pregnant. A baby is growing inside of her right now. It's a good thing she didn't drink the wine.

She has to tell Coriolanus.

"Oh goodness," she whispers, sitting back on the edge of the tub, "we really have to get our act together now." The past six months they've skirted by with vague conversations and short glances but if they're going to be parents in nine months then they truly need to start acting like a married couple.

It's at that very moment that she hears the sound of the front doors being unlocked. It certainly can't be any of their staff who left hours ago so it's Coriolanus, probably hoping to slip into bed unnoticed. Soarynn pinches the bridge of her nose, she has to tell him, but can't she wait until tomorrow?

No! She has to do it now, get it over with, he is her husband after all and Coriolanus truly has been nothing but good to her besides this one little argument. Married couples argue all the time.

Soarynn slowly stands up and holds the pregnancy test tightly in her grip, he'll want a real confirmation that she's actually pregnant. She's heard of wives surprising their husbands with ornate setups to announce their pregnancy but this will have to do.

Soarynn makes her way into the bedroom and comes face to face with a rather distraught-looking Coriolanus. His normally styled hair is now a mess of golden curls, his eyes look tired and his white shirt is slightly unbuttoned, showing off his chest. He looks messy for such an important man.

"Soarynn," he breathes, some desperation in his tone.

Soarynn swallows and takes a step back, she can smell the alcohol in his breath from here. He frowns and runs a hand through his curls, "I've made a terrible mistake," he says and Soarynn's heart drops.

Has he been unfaithful to her? Did it only take one fight for him to find someone else? Is he going to file for divorce?

She can't afford any of these things right now, not when she's finally pregnant.

"You want a divorce?" She asks, her voice barely a whisper. Coriolanus furrows his brows and gives her a confused look, "Divorce? No, no, I...I would be a fool to let you go." His words, although slightly influenced by his intoxicated state, make her heart flutter. Soarynn sighs and relaxes her shoulders, "Then what terrible mistake have you made Coriolanus?"

Although he looks quite disheveled, it's not like Soarynn looks any better right now in her nightgown, bare-faced with her hair tumbling down her back. Coriolanus opens his mouth and then closes it, shaking his head, "I need to tell you something," he finally says.

Soarynn clutches the pregnancy test a little tighter and she takes a step towards him, perhaps this is the time when they can both come clean and work out their issues. "I have something to tell you too." His piercing blue eyes slightly widen and it gives him a more innocent look, as if he were a young boy. Soarynn's seen the pictures of Coriolanus when he was younger, he's always been handsome.

Coriolanus nods and clears his throat, "Very well then."

They both wait a beat, seeing who will go first but they've never been too good at this whole "communication aspect" of their relationship and they end up blurting out their confessions to one another at the same time.

"I'm pregnant."

"I love you."

Coriolanus POV

꧁ 6 Months Ago ꧂

"Do you Coriolanus Snow, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? Do you vow to protect her with all that you are, to keep her by your side, and to provide for her and the children she shall bear for you? Do you vow to be a beacon of strength for your family, to uphold your values whilst guiding your family? Do you vow to remain by her side no matter what shall befall her, in sickness and in health?"

Coriolanus swallows as he looks down at Soarynn, his fiance, and in a few moments, his bride.

His wife.

It feels like he met Soarynn a thousand years ago, goodness knows he's had to jump through a few hoops to get to this point, to the wedding. The proposal had been somewhat nerve-wracking as there are certain expectations for a Snow to meet. Still, the proposal went well and of course, ended with Soarynn accepting.

His fingers rub the wedding ring that now sits on her dainty finger and he nods, offering her a small smile as she gazes up at him through her veil.

"I do."

There's almost a sigh of relief that sounds throughout the room, his parents being the cause of it. They had been so worried that the marriage might not work, that Soarynn and Coriolanus would end up hating each other but as luck would have it, Coriolanus truly doesn't mind being around Soarynn.

She's well-educated, a good listener, kind and funny. And she's gorgeous. The perfect wife for a Snow.

"Then by the power invested in me by the great country of Panem, I now announce you husband and wife. Coriolanus, you may kiss your bride."

Coriolanus grins as he carefully lifts the veil away from Soarynn's face, revealing her dazzling blue-gray eyes. Her skin looks perfect, soft, and dewy without a blemish in sight. He can hear their family and friends cheering as he gently cups her face, leaning down to finally kiss his wife.

The kiss is short and sweet, two words that perfectly describe Soarynn who still somewhat shies away from too much physical contact. It's honestly adorable how flustered she gets at the slightest touch. Heaven knows how she'll survive tonight. Coriolanus spent a good majority of his morning thinking about consummating the marriage and how he'd go about it.

He couldn't be too sweet and sappy, no. He was to be respected in all domains of their relationship, even the more intimate ones. But he also doesn't want to scare her, Soarynn is so sweet and kind, she deserves a good first time. And Coriolanus has more than enough experience to where he feels confident in leading her through the deed.

He breaks away from the kiss and finds Soarynn giving him a genuine smile, a smile that he often wishes he could see more of. Soarynn is a proper Capitol lady who's mastered the art of a fake, polite smile whilst in the company of the elite. He's only seen her truly smile a number of times and always in the company of either him, her father, her cat, or her friends. To see her smile makes his heart beat a little faster.

Perhaps one day it'll be the only smile she wears, and they'll feel free to let their guards down around one another. But as he leads them down the aisle and smiles at family and friends, he realizes that it's wishful thinking.

This marriage isn't for love.

It's the things we love most that destroy us.

꧁ ꧂

꧁ Present Time ꧂

Coriolanus nervously taps his foot on the elevator floor as it takes him up to the penthouse. He has to come clean, be honest and straightforward with Soarynn.

Telling people how he feels isn’t something he’s very comfortable with, he’s always been the strong and silent type, just like his father.

But he’s seen the way the stern and authoritative Crassus Snow completely melts when he’s around his wife. It sounds so nice, to be able to let his guard down around Soarynn.

Over the past week, he’s found himself absolutely enamored by her and her sweet, gentle femininity. He’s seen how kind she is to everyone from their friends to their household staff. She’s truly one of a kind and he had the audacity to snap at her during dinner tonight.

He’ll have to both apologize and come clean about his true feelings towards her.

He loves her. He loves Soarynn.

It’s taken him an embarrassingly long time to realize that but he knows for certain that he’s fallen in love with Soarynn even though that was never the end goal. Their marriage was arranged to join two great houses together, feelings aside. But his feelings have pushed through and he knows in his heart that if he doesn’t tell her now, he’ll never tell her.

The sound of the elevator doors snaps him back into reality and he steps out into the hallway, reaching into his pocket to grab the keys. He hopes he hasn't left Soarynn in a state of disrepair. Suppose she cried herself to sleep? He'd never forgive himself. He's done a lot of things to her, fucked her, kissed her, taken care of her, but he's never once made her cry and that counts for something.

He unlocks the front doors and quietly steps into the entryway, finding the penthouse dark and quiet. Soarynn most likely dismissed the cook once he left and their maids are likely asleep in their servant's quarters that the penthouse holds.

Sometimes Petunia will come running down the hallway to greet him, but it's late and he slightly smells like the bar and alcohol so Petunia most likely won't be giving him any warm greetings.

He makes his way to their bedroom and the lights are still on which means she's still awake. The bathroom doors are closed though and Coriolanus suddenly feels so hot, as if he's being baked alive by his guilt. He's quick to unbutton the top two buttons on his shirt, hoping to give himself some breathing room. Why must this be so difficult?

But if he doesn't do this now, then he'll never try again. And he can at least do that, try to tell her how he feels.

The bathroom doors open and his breath catches in his throat at the sight of his wife, dressed only in a nightgown, her blonde hair tumbling down her shoulders with her face barren of any makeup.

She looks beautiful.

"Soarynn," he breathes and he sounds entirely desperate, a feeling he's not used to. But he'll gladly let her see this side of him, the more desperate side of him in exchange for her true love and devotion rather than what's expected of her.

Soarynn takes a step back and swallows which causes him to frown, is she afraid of him? No, but he certainly looks like a drunken mess right now. He can't blame her for wanting to put some distance between them.

Coriolanus runs his hands through his curls which have become quite unruly as the night has progressed. He looks like a mess. Where should he even start?

"I've made a terrible mistake," he confesses and it's almost as if he can see her heart breaking. He curses himself for such a brazen set of words, she must think he's come to her with news of an infidelity he's never committed, or wishes to separate after the little spat they had this evening.

She holds something tightly in her small hand but he can't see what it is, "You want a divorce?" She asks him, her voice is so soft and fragile. He furrows his brows and shakes his head, "Divorce? No, no, I...I would be a fool to let you go." Maybe it's the alcohol talking but he means it, he'd be an idiot to let a girl like Soarynn walk out of his life.

Soarynn lets out a small sigh and her shoulders relax, "What terrible mistake have you made Coriolanus?" She asks him, seemingly nervous as to what he'll reveal to her.

He contemplates coming straight out and saying it, but he doesn't want to startle her, but at the same time he's so pent up that it might feel good to just get it all out in the open. He opens his mouth but the words nearly die in his throat and he closes his mouth before shaking his head, "I need to tell you something," he finally says, looking down at the floor.

"I have something to tell you too."

His eyes widened at her words, he didn't expect her to share something with him as well but perhaps whatever she was hiding has something to do with dinner tonight and why she didn't want to drink the wine. She looks nervous and yet entirely innocent, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed.

He clears his throat and gives her a small nod, "Very well then."

He waits a moment for her to share her piece but it seems that she's waiting for him to do the same and they both end up blurting out their confessions at the same time.

"I love you."

"I'm pregnant."

Coriolanus nearly doubles over when hearing those words leaving Soarynn's lips. She's pregnant, with his child. Soarynn's mouth hangs open at his words and she lets out a shaky breath, "What did you say?" You'd think that he had just placed a curse on her entire bloodline the way she was looking at him.

Coriolanus tugs at his curls and lets out a frustrated groan, "I love you okay? I've been consumed by your entire being for far too long and it's high time I was honest with you...and myself," he adds. Soarynn's expression slightly softens and that's enough to give him the courage to continue, "I always find myself thinking of you and when I'm around you it's...it's as if nothing else in the world matters. But the only times I feel as if I'm truly with you are when we have sex when I can finally touch you and feel you but I want more than that, even if I'm being selfish and not honoring the arrangements of this marriage."

Tears mist in Soarynn's eyes and he worries that he's hurt her beyond repair. "You truly love me?" She asks him, her voice barely a whisper as she takes a step towards him. Coriolanus swallows and nods, "I do," he says, his voice clear and confident, "I woke up one day loving you and I don't know how to stop."

Soarynn looks down at her fist and uncurls her fingers, revealing a pregnancy test, positive no doubt considering the news she just told him. "Well, that's a good thing to hear considering we're about to expand our family." A small smile creeps onto his lips but it's still hindered by doubt. Coriolanus can love Soarynn all he wants, but she still hasn't said anything about her own feelings regarding him. In the beginning, he liked that about her, how she wasn't overly emotional and kept her feelings to herself.

But now he can see that it's become a double-edged sword for both of them.

He takes a larger step towards her, effectively closing the distance between them. She looks up at him and he can see a conflict of emotions behind her pretty eyes. Scared, happy, nervous, excited, and above all, unsure.

Coriolanus slowly reaches out, not wanting to startle her as he gently cups Soarynn's face in his large hands, her skin warming his immediately. "Do you remember what I asked of you on our wedding day? To always be honest with me?" He asks, his voice laced with distant memories of that fateful day six months ago. Soarynn nods, "Yes I remember."

Coriolanus gives her a wry smile, "Then I'm afraid I haven't always been honest with you my darling." Soarynn sighs and leans into his touch, "I haven't been honest either," she admits to which he raises his eyebrows. She finally gives him a small smile, "I often find myself missing you and wishing we were closer. Don't get me wrong, we could've been married off to horrible people, and for that, I'm thankful that I married you Coriolanus, but we truly don't know the first thing about each other. And yet...and yet I love you all the same."

It's as if they've both taken a breath of fresh air after drowning for so long with one another. Coriolanus presses his forehead against hers, "Then let's not waste a moment longer in not loving each other, not when we finally have a chance at starting a family." Soarynn's hands drift down to her stomach and she hums.

"I agree entirely. It's exhausting having to be cold and calculated."

| Part 4. |

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pathparazzi · 1 month

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Thoughts re: Academia

I haven't been on this blog at all and there's really not much I can say other than I haven't had the time or energy. Being a functioning adult is brutal at times, and in academic medicine, I felt robbed of myself. Even when I am not on service, I feel loath to do anything productive. My apartment remains in a state of partial disarray at any given time. I see chores that take no time pile up in front of me. I should clean that spill on the floor or put those towels away, yet I don’t. I don’t remember being like this even when I was burned out in training or during the early pandemic.

I have been working at a mid-tier academic center for the past year now, and so much has happened since I first started posting on this Tumblr. During the end of my fellowship, my fellowship director was removed from the premises for an investigation that resulted in no wrongdoing. After almost forty years of service to his institution, which refused to defend him, he resigned. A devastating loss for that department. Why stay at a place where the people you trained turn on you and the institution you helped to bring to prominence abandon you?

I nearly didn’t get a job because of how badly my current institution’s HR system was so utterly understaffed that I had to onboard myself, only for them to cancel the contract on the day before I started. And then they nearly forgot to send the amended contract to me and they sent it to the wrong email. One of my colleagues’ loved ones was murdered by their progeny. One of the residents had a life-threatening stroke. One assistant’s house burned down and lost everything including her beloved pet. One of the senior trainees was such a shitshow and they quit in the middle of their training in bad standing after terrorizing us and the clinical services for the better part of their time here.

It has been an absolutely dramatic year, and I have experienced enough racism and several professional slights against me that I’m simply over it. As lovely and wonderful as my director is as a person, this does not translate to good leadership. I am angry at them because they lied to me about what this job entailed and what I could get out of it, that I would have a proper mentor instead of someone long in the twilight of their career, who hasn’t even seen what I have in our respective subspecialties. I feel that this place has robbed me of a year of my life, and I have nothing to show for it except work experience. Maybe I’m being too critical.

I have no friends in the area except two people who are so hard to hang out with. They’re incredibly bright and well-educated, but they are also incredibly boring. I rarely use that term on people, but they are socially inept at worst and heavily disconnected from pop culture and current events at best. The friends I had have moved away or are in the process of moving out. When I leave, it’ll be a clean exit. I will owe them nothing.

The academic pathology scene is nothing short of chaotic presently. Hopkins is bleeding people. BIDMC is shoring up in the wake of the Dana Farber merger, but knowing how administratively incompetent that hospital is at the higher levels, it’s nowhere near ready to absorb an expected 40-50% increase in specimen volume. Hiring is slow and unhurried when the process should be expedited and prioritized.

Brigham and Mass General aren’t exactly doing well for themselves, given that so many of their staff are leaving after long careers there. Oregon Health and Sciences is experiencing some sort of staffing malfunction because the person who helped to recruit me left for private practice and they haven’t been able to hire anyone senior.

That said, I am going into private practice. I was afraid to do so earlier, but I think it is ultimately the way to go. I sent in my CV one day and immediately received a phone call the next. Things have moved along fast and efficiently with also a bit of breathing room built in. There’s less bullshit, and people are happier overall.

I am also coming to terms with the fact that I need a work-life balance. People say that academia has work-life balance, but those people are lying. I used to see so many people come in on the weekends or stay late to write papers and do ancillary work. It’s only now post-pandemic that people are realizing that they’re wasting their lives constantly writing and for what? To get a pat on the back? To get a little line on their CV so years down the road they can be called full professor? I think people are learning to choose themselves and I applaud that. Academia has been a shitshow and it needs to reform and pay these brilliant, hardworking, self-sacrificing people what they are worth if it is to go on in a meaningful way.

Moving forward, I’m hoping to revive this corner of my life by posting pictures of pathology every so often. Knowledge is meant to be shared, and I’ve always wanted to make a slide repository/image archive for those who are looking. It'll hopefully be my little hobby that keeps me somewhat sane.

#pathology #medicine #medblr

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