#because a bunch of really triggering stuff happened and we feel really ill and have at least 2 more days of this

[thethingything]

anyway as always I'm just overwhelmed by a bunch of stuff at once and I'll be fine but wow it fucking sucks in the meantime and I'd like to maybe just get some time to rest and recuperate but what we're probably gonna get instead is either some unforseen bullshit to deal with, or just like 2 weeks of desperately sorting out the stuff we meant to do but couldn't keep up with before immediately being hit with the anniversary of some trauma that we didn't really cope with so much as repress as much as humanly possible so we could still function

[actualbird]

woop i guess here i go− does it ever bother u how they don't really ever quite explain what's going on with luke's illness other than "aAAAH he'S sUDDENLY in PAIN!!1!1!" and some sort of nerve damage and what not... not that it doesn't make it any less sadder... BUT!!! sometime ago i looked up the symptoms of nerve damage and apparently it says stuffs like sharp pains (which we see happen often to luke through out) BUT ALSO numbness, tingling, loss of muscle strength, and suddenly dropping stuff??? so i'm just wondering if you have any headcanons on luke's illness? DO YOU THINK HE'S JUST IN CONSTANT STINGING PAIN, AND HIS PAIN KILLERS ARE SO STRONG IT JUST NUMBS HIS WHOLE BODY??? OR DO YOU THINK HE ALTERNATES BETWEEN FEELING NUMB AND SUDDEN SHARP PAINS??? this has been my personal hc ever since jfjsjd i'm sorry you could see i'm a luke stan cause all luke stans are angst enjoyers /hj i just wanted to share my brain rot to the world thank you

hi anon!!! first off, i deffo wanna say uve come to the right place both abt luke hcs (because im a luke enjoyer first, a human being second) AND thoughts about his illness

tho i wouldnt say im bothered by how they dont explain the symptoms of his illness much since narratively, i can see how this would be necessary to maintain a certain amount of suspense on the NXX drug

however, ur so right in bringing up those other symptoms, bc ive got a bunch of thoughts and feelings about this!!

for context, i also have a longtime undiagnosed-after-years-of-tests neurological condition, but it's not serious and more just a lifetime inconvenience. i experience muscle myoclonus, which means that at any time without warning, my legs, arms, or neck can suddenly jerk into movement and ive actually got a bunch of those symptoms u mention haha!

but enough about that! lemme go thruuuuu

some of my thoughts/hcs on luke's illness

wc: 1.7k

before i start, this is whole thing is going to be mixing fiction (tot's story) and fact (IRL information on certain illnesses, medications, etc). the fiction bit is important because while tot describes luke's condition and shows us its effects, does Not name what it is, and the whole thing is still shrouded in a lot of mystery. but the fact bit is important because there are real conditions out there that are similar to what luke has, based on what we know.

among them, Fibromyalgia seems like the closest real world condition to what luke has got, but since it's not outright stated in canon, i'll be making some stuff up. still, it's important to me to have like, a somewhat sensible system in making stuff up, which is why im laying down all this ground work jhvjdhsfd, and because in the hc portion of this post i'll be riffing off of some of my own experience

anyhoo, let's REALLY start with what we already Know

-

what we know of luke's illness thus far from all the available story information from the global server

key words in that above title are "global server", because im aware that main story episode 9 in the cn server looks like it'll give us more info on this, but i dont like to or want to spoil myself for tot's future main story. so i'll be working within global server parameters!

so heres everything we know (...or rather, what i was able to remember in the course of me writing this response HAHA), as its been outright said and confirmed in canon:

luke's condition is currently diagnosed as terminal

luke's condition mostly manifests in sudden pain episodes that happen randomly and without warning. these pain episodes are not described to be coming from any specific body part, just that it's pain in general.

these pain episodes happen without any external trigger (i.e. luke doesnt have a pain episode when somebody bumps into him suddenly, but he can have a pain episode out of nowhere just doing something as passive as sitting or standing)

immediately after a pain episode, he takes his meds

these meds are analgesics (painkillers) and he was prescribed them by his previous doctor (the one who was handling luke and his condition before aaron)

even now that aaron has taken over as luke's primary physician, luke still takes painkillers immediately after any pain episode to manage the pain

luke's condition was caused by the NXX drug. after a mission where his team was attacked with toxic gas, he was the only survivor and the medicine he was given was somehow contaminated with the NXX substance

the NXX drug causes damage to the central nervous system, and luke's condition is confirmed to be related to his nervous system because in SSR Under The Milky Way, he describes his condition very specifically with the lines "[The contaminant] caused irreversible damage to my nervous system." and "[I] will constantly suffer from intermittent nerve pain."

-

hcs on The Experience Of The Condition

the main physical symptom we see in canon is pretty clear: sudden and randomly occurring debilitating pain. i like to think it's of the stinging variety!! but dialed up to 10000000 because it's always shown to be intense enough that always luke reacts to the pain. and luke's pain tolerance is High. in personal story 4, he didnt even flinch when mc was stitching up his gash, but he did double over in pain, trembling and shaking, when he got hit with one of the pain episodes.

in addition to the pain though, i totally second the motion on the symptoms of numbness, tingling, loss of muscle strength (which then leads him to train more to compensate for any loss, because luke is a madman with low self worth and one of his skills is his physical strength so he needs to keep that up for as long as he can), and suddenly dropping stuff, the ones you mention. a

those are my thoughts on possible physical symptoms. but with a condition as heavy as this, there will be psychological/emotional ramifications too

because of how tot's canon shows luke experiencing the Pain Symptom, the pain itself is put front and center. but personally i also think that the fact this symptom occurs Randomly, Suddenly, and Without Warning is on the same level of "oh god why this" as the pain

in general, not being able to know when your body is going to start working against you really really sucks! you cant prevent it, you cant avoid it, and you cant see it coming. sure you Can prepare for its random eventuality through out the day, which is what luke does by carrying around his painkillers everywhere with him, but even then, that only alleviates the specific instance currently happening and not the overall trend of It'll Happen Again! When? Secret....

it's hugely frustrating. in my case with involuntary movement, eventually i tried to constantly and impossibly try to expect it so that when it does happen, i dont knock over glass to the floor or fall down the stairs

but always trying to expect something you cant predict causes tension and anxiety.

luke's condition is much more severe and painful than my quirk. so keeping a mental background program, so to speak, always running and looking out for a pain episode of his condition must suck bigtime.

because he'll basically always be bracing himself for pain, even when nothing is happening.

and on a metaphorical level, being constantly braced for pain even when things are fine is something luke does A Lot. luke is always worried and preparing for worst case scenarios, luke is always trying to think ahead to have various backup plans to ensure people's safety, and luke seems more used to pain and bad things than he is prepared for happiness and good things.

bracing himself for pain gives luke a semblance of control over something that is terrifyingly out of his control completely. at least if hes always thinking about its inevitability, he'll have things that can help mediate its effects. but the price for that control is a constant tension and dread building inside of him every second, because hes always waiting for the other shoe to drop

-

my ideal hope for luke's story when a kind of treatment for his condition is found

i dont actually want for the condition to be completely cured. like, dont get me wrong, i obviously want the Terminal aspect of his condition treated because i love him and want him to live a long and happy life, but i dont want all of his symptoms gone. personally, i'd find it much more compelling narratively if his condition is treated and will no longer kill him in a few years, but still causes him pain that needs to be managed with meds and other treatments. and why i want this is because:

1 ) given the sheer struggle of his condition in the story thus far AND the fact that luke himself literally said the damage done to his nervous system is Irreversible, having a medical miracle like that happen feels a teensy bit like a deus ex machina to me. (sidenote: ofc, ur free to disagree with me! and feel free to disagree with this whole post in general, we've all got different opinions and thats chill)

2 ) in general with stories, i am less drawn to super neat resolutions and im more drawn to resolutions that are more like "and things werent perfect and they never will be, there will always be problems, but our characters will be okay and theyll keep getting better and better, and it's in this push and pull of struggle and learning and progress and getting through where their happiness lies"

ever since luke was a kid, even before he developed his condition, hes had the fear of being a burden to his loved ones. and when he does get his terminal condition, this fear is worsened and he starts to see his existence in other people's lives as a whole as a burden of pain and grief that isnt worth the trouble. and...i dunno, i just like the idea of him continuing to live but also continuing to have these problems that still spark fear inside of him and still take so much work to manage every day. and out of habit, he braces himself for pain, not just for the kind his condition gives him but from Life because Surely, His Loved Ones Will Get Tired Of All Of This, Of Him and The Problems He Comes With, Right?

but surprise surprise, they dont. because they care about him. because this should not and is not a dealbreaker for them continuing to care about him.

aaron creates treatment thats more on the preventative maintenance meds angle so luke doesnt have to just wait for a pain episode to pop up and then dry swallow painkillers every time. it's not infallible , but sometimes luke can have hours, even a whole a day sometimes where the pain hes bracing himself for doesnt come.

mc always reminds luke to take his meds whenever luke gets too busy or caught up in a case. he worries at first that it's an inconvenience to her for her to have to remember his routines for him just in case, but that worry becomes quieter as luke realizes she reminds him in the same tone as she says "good morning" or "have you had lunch yet? wanna join me?", just this casual and loving thing thats now integrated into both their lives

the team are always ready to help too in their own way. when luke gets a pain episode in hq, marius offers distraction in the form of idle chatter on (harmless) internal pax gossip while luke waits for his painkillers to dull down the stinging. when luke feels uncomfortable tingling crawling across his whole body while out with vyn, vyn subtly helps luke move from a crowded area to a quieter one where outside stimuli cant further overwhelm luke's senses. when it's a bad grip strength day and all luke wants to do is punch something and fuck his useless hands up even more, artem tells luke about custom silicone grips that exist for things like pens or knives or such and that they could look for some next time they go shopping.

it is not perfect. but luke's life, even with the pain, is still worth living. everybody is trying to help and eventually, luke learns how to start helping him self along with them too.

soooo yea theres my thoughts!! thanks for the ask, anon :D

[luxsea]

🤝 nothing bad will ever happen if we never finish the game (i did as many side quests n stuff as possible in ffxv before triggering the second act because i didn't want anyone to die 👍 HASJHSJAAH)

UGH THIS IS SO REAL🤝 i'm also a stickler for side quests, i gotta do every single possible thing before proceeding the main quest (playing in this order actually caused a bunch of characters i wanted to save to die in my game dksjfnkj?? 😢) so i made my character's personality super "fuck around and find out" to fit my completionist play style :')

(bg3 spoilers for karlach under read more just in case :3)

but ugh the thing about karlach being my absolute favorite, like i dont think i've been this deeply moved by a character in a long time, is that her good ending was scrapped from the game! and i found out this spoiler mid romancing her, i went thru every stage of grief!! I MADE A DIVORCE PLAYLIST. the writing handles her processing her inevitable death really well, like inspiring so, it's an incredibly heartbreaking but realistic analogy to coping with a terminal illness and how it changes ones outlook on life. she just wants to savor every moment she gets to live now that she's finally free from the war she was forced to fight in for a decade and just wants to focus on doing the things she loves with the time she has left and i love her so much for it. there is no cure sometimes! but she deserves so so much better. it makes me feel very salty bc to my knowledge all the other companions can have a happy ending and the fact that hers was written and considered... and fucking scrapped due to time constraints (from what i know vaguely bc i'm avoiding more ending spoilers) is that the only options for her ending are for her to die violently, become a squid or return to the devil that enslaved her. what the actual fuck. it's really really cruel and would be my characters villain origin story if not for the fact that karlach wouldnt want them to go on a revenge tirade for her sake. *wipes tears*

[vizthedatum]

I need to straight up admit it. I am easily used by people, and I’ve let it happen too many times. This is the most recent incident. At least it didn’t last years.

—

My ex-friend - she used me. I met her this year and I just wanted to help. I didn’t intend to be best friends, and I didn’t intend to be so involved. She needed help, and I could help so I did. I don’t regret any of the help I gave her.

And then she proceeded to try to have me all for herself. She started with my sanity. She would ignore me when I wanted to leave a hang out. She would video-call me multiple times a day even when I said that I usually schedule out video calls and stuff with most people, including my brother, unless it was for emergencies. I need notice for video-calls. I’m often really low spoons for stuff like that unless I plan it out.

She started commenting heavily on my relationships. And she used information I told her while being vulnerable about my life to influence my security I felt with my ex-gfs.

She tried telling me who I should date even though the people she pointed out where NOT MY TYPE nor was I interested.

She offered multiple forms of unsolicited help that I didn’t need or want. She tried giving me medical advice when quite frankly, I know more medical stuff than her… and I already have the care I need. (While she doesn’t have the care she needs)

She then decided to convince me to leave my job to do what she thought would be right for me. And while I definitely had a play in this - I reminded her that it was ultimately my decision. She thinks she was masking and being clever when I decided to pursue my own goals - but I know she thought I was fucking up. It was so offensive.

She kept misgendering me feigning ignorance about queerness - ultimately she told me she never believed that I was trans:

She kept misgendering my ex-spouse - which is okay a couple times when ppl are getting to know pronouns and stuff. However, she didn’t care and kept doing it. My ex might have been an asshole but they deserve to have their identity respected - everyone does. My ex is a trans/non-binary asshole, not a cis asshole :)

She told me that my current partnership (which is one of the healthier friendships and partnerships I’ve had in a long while where we dated for a couple months before being partners - where my partner and I try really hard to be honest and loving to each other without falling into codependency) was going to be a “tower relationship” only after they apparently didn’t want to babysit her child for A WEEK like she wanted them too.

She fucking made up lies about my ex-gf by telling me violent things that she was going to do triggering my trauma responses when I was sad about her being ill - it was so random. I was upset about my ex-gf’s ex (who was abusive) and just emotional bc it was around my divorce - and she just went off on me. It messed me up. It made me question my ex-gf when I was already trying to process a bunch of complicated feelings about her ex.

She kept pressuring me into violent killing fantasies about people in my past - and not for fun or absurdity - but for real. I told her no.

She told me that she thought the only way she thought I would hang out with her (which I did - I made A FUCKTON OF TIME FOR HER) was if she were fucking me. This is ridiculous because I don’t just hang out with people who are fucking me. Additionally, I have never expressed sexual interest nor do I want to fuck her. Literally haven’t done anything with her except hug her platonically.

She called one of my oldest friends since I was fourteen who is literally one of the original queer platonic partners/friends I’ve had… a bitch.

She tried to discredit all my legitimate friendships just so she could have me and my time all to herself. And I wrote it off initially because I thought it was flattery.

She stole my hair. And thought I wouldn’t notice - honestly I don’t fucking care because any spell or anything she does to me won’t stick because it’s not rooted in any form of reality. Hah.

She’s generally transphobic. Not only does she not believe I’m trans, she declared in front of my two trans friends that trans women couldn’t really be women since they can’t give birth. Then I told her that I literally know trans women who would give up everything to be able to do that. And then she told me that they wouldn’t be able to handle the pain. Honestly what a pointless argument.

She constantly would try to rope me into commitments and projects with her that I couldn’t do or had no time to do. Then would argue with me when I put up boundaries.

She would pressure me into calling her when I was sick and didn’t want to talk.

She owes me at least 200 dollars that I expected back (not counting money that I gave her freely - so I don’t expect that back).

Our friendship according to her fell apart when I didn’t plan her entire birthday day and spend it with her. I had blocked off from 9am - 6pm with an optional 8pm - midnight time slot SPECIFICALLY for her birthday. I had asked her a couple of times what she wanted to do, and she didn’t tell me until a few days prior what she wanted (she wanted to shoot guns - which if she listened to my boundaries, she’d know it’s something that I’m triggered by and while I’m open to it, I could not just do it with that short of a notice). I had already planned to take her out for a meal and maybe do a rage room or shopping or something else fun. And I was going to take her to see a movie later that night with another friend because… she wanted more friends :/

I don’t even spend an entire birthday day like that with friends or partners in our age group because… I literally am not used to that expectation, and I don’t have the time/money/energy to do that. Plus I was just getting to know her. Like even for my brother, I’d plan a dinner and movie/outing. For one of my exes birthdays (his 30th), I planned a surprise party at a restaurant - and that was big for me.

She said that since I didn’t block out the whole entire day that I don’t know how friendship worked… :/ that I didn’t care about her.

And I honestly wish that was all of it.

But more than anything, I honestly wish I would have left sooner than I did. I’m glad I did. I’m glad the friendship ended because I kept standing up for myself.

[beaujagr]

oof.

context/content warnings: relationships, bipolar I disorder, mania, depression, conflict, communication, disability, house repairs, plumbing problems, car accident mention, illness mention, PTSD, money mention, mention of insects (bees/yellow jackets) in housing structure, self loathing, healthcare

I've been manic for around a month I think now, and I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of myself

My health search for answers to the issues I'm having still has not come to fruition. I got several negative results this week, but no information or answers or progress. I'm running out of ways to justify the medication to help reduce the symptoms I'm experiencing, and yet have no way to confirm or treat those symptoms, and I am struggling to communicate with my doctors and terrified of what will happen if we can't find an answer - whether it turns out to be "nothing" or it just gets worse.

At the beginning of the week, my weekly meeting with my spouse was mostly composed of him explaining to me that my conversational tendency (clear in this post) to put multiple problems or items in a list at the beginning of a conversation before anyone can respond, combined with my inability to tell the length of a pause in conversation meaning I often don't wait long enough for others to respond and accidentally overlap or start talking before they can, is making it virtually impossible for us to communicate without him becoming very overwhelmed and frustrated. I do not have a solution yet. Later this week, my partner (other person) was sick with a sinus infection and went to pick up something at the store, and on the way, got rear-ended and it caused notable damage to his car, the involved law enforcement were negligent at best, and he ended up having to to the ER the next morning because of a messed up shoulder and whiplash. It was all really triggering to me due to my own accidents, and I was concerned about him & wanted to ensure he could get all the paperwork and stuff done so I have been helping him where I can, but he's been super irritable because of the discomfort and stress, so our communication has been rough.

We had a leak in the same water pipe that recently was repaired for almost $1k, and it followed with an additional leak yesterday, and I have been managing contact with the insurance partially. I was talking with my spouse about the expenses, and in his stress, he decided to withdraw from his 401k (something I agree we had to do) but didn't confirm the amount or the final decision with me, and it made me feel left out. He apologized, but the stress surrounding house issues and finances is tied to communication struggles.

Multiple delays and failed communications led to us getting a nest of yellow jackets in our casement window that I've been trying to clear out now because my partner is allergic, and it's been a nightmarish and exhausting process and I'm very sick of it.

The disability office fucked up my paperwork and I had to redo a whole bunch of stuff and resubmit it, and the communication surrounding it has been really confusing and stressful.

Someone I've been talking to and spent some time with expressed to me that my overwhelming level of communication and use of multiple platforms to communicate, especially on a daily basis, has been stressing them out and making them unable to build the energy to desire seeing me in person (the opposite of my intent) and asked that we reduce our level of communication. I respect and understand this, but I realized I can't really tell the correct amount of time to wait between sending messages, whether this means I should not go to events we would be at simultaneously, and whether I shouldn't communicate in shared chats, and even asking them about those boundaries made me want to throw up because I don't want to bother them more than I already have but I so much want to be able to be connected to them and continue having good experiences and a good time. I feel like an asshole and I'm also stressed and confused.

On top of all of this, my therapist called me out in therapy for inserting myself into my partner's lives too much and doing too much labor beyond my energy levels and faculties related to things like paperwork, scheduling, logistics, house maintenance, and healthcare. I explained initially that they sometimes do need help, and while some of it is because I don't want to see them struggle, and because I don't trust systems or authorities or service people to actually be helpful and I don't want the consequences of them failing to execute those things to have fallout on me, that's not all.

My biggest struggle is that I know that when I had to deal with all those things and didn't have people helping me, especially when I was struggling a lot, it only made things worse for me. What I want is to ensure that no one I care about ends up like me. I don't want them to have to experience failures and losses over and over again, burning out and losing everything repeatedly, and ending up a burden to everyone they know and love and feeling permanently and constantly unworthy of even asking people to respect their boundaries or help them meet their needs. No one should be like me. I don't want to be like me. It was a really rough session.

What I've learned basically is that when I'm manic, I'd be better off locking myself in a box and tossing myself in a river than trying to engage with other people, and that my experience of the world has only taught me that I should hate myself just as much as the world and other people so often make me feel like they do.

The idea of someone I care about ending up like me because the system and other people failed them makes me hypervigilant in concern for their wellbeing and ability to do things like necessary paperwork, get care, meet daily needs, and so on, because I know that the consequences of not achieving all of those things has any potential that they might end up being like me, and I'd rather run myself to the ground and die than have more people having the experience of life that I have had so far.

The worst part is, this entire week has only reinforced all of these feelings for all of those reasons and events above, and has left me in a state that I don't know what to do. I hate myself so utterly and inexorably, and every day gives me new reasons to hate myself more and also confirm how I am constantly and unendingly just disappointing and stressing and overwhelming and failing everyone I care about and many people I don't care about so much.

I don't know how to keep being this person. Mania is bad, but it's not like I'm better when depressed or apathetic or hypomanic or burnt out. I'm never just okay, and I never will be, and the world is never going to stop finding new ways to reverse every ounce of progress I make. I don't know how to do this anymore, and I'm not allowed to stop existing, so I feel like I'm stuck forever. I hate it, and I hate myself for making it so much worse every time.

[teddy06writes]

A Thousand Little Moments (That Help Me Heal)

Requested by @alphamoonlunala9391 "Can you do more parts of What Could Have Been Was Good, But What We Have Now Is Better please and maybe make the character a god hybrid reader"

and sort of @noctis-yeye

This is the Part three of You Didn't Need Us Then, We Don't Need You Now and What Could Have Been Was Good, But What We Have Now Is Better

Quackity x reader; Past mentioned Sapnap x karl x quackity x reader

trigger warnings: some swearing, existentialism? kind of? (Charlie being like, 'everything turns to dust so whats the point')

premise: it's like i said in the part two, its just gonna be a bunch of little scenes that happen in the two year gap, plus the wedding that would then happen at the end of part two for the last scene (no I don't really know how proper weddings go, all the ones i've been too were ~weird~ soooo...)

{to the asker who actually went in my inbox to request, I can't make reader a hybrid because its too late in the series to really change it}

{snowchester las nevadas conflict- we don't know her}

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"(y/n) from Las Nevadas?"

You glanced up from your work to find Charlie at your office door, "Yeah Charlie?"

"This place 'ill be around a while right? No- no explosions like L'manburg?" He slid into the room and dropped into one of the chairs in front of your desk.

You frowned, "How do you know about L'manburg?"

"I told you- I move slow, but I've seen a lot. L'manburg was nice- but then it was gone."

You sighed, "I know... I was there- all three times. L'manburg was my home before Las Nevadas."

"If you and Quackity from Las Nevadas want me to stay here- which it sounds like you do, I want to know: Las Nevadas will be around for a while, right? I don't want it to go to dust like everything else does."

"As much as we can help it Charlie," You glanced down at your desk, "I'm not gonna let another home get destroyed."

~~

You sighed, running a hand through your hair as you made it to the top of the needle.

Purpled was still sitting near the edge of the deck where he'd stayed after you'd finished the tour. It seemed the only difference now, was that behind him the sky was dark, and speckled with stars.

"You got room for company kid?" You asked quietly.

He nodded, and you quickly moved to sit next to him, "So what do you think of the place?"

"'s alright." He mumbled.

"Charlie wasn't enough to scare you off?" You chuckled.

He shook his head, "Nah... Where did you find that guy?"

"Sneakin around one of the restaurants." You laughed.

"He's insane."

"Yeah no, probably." You sighed.

Purpled got quiet again, turning to look back out over the city, "Why'd you offer me a spot here? You said it wasn't a job, so why actually offer it to me?"

You frowned, thinking for a moment, "I guess- ever since L'manburg- I don't want to see anyone else suffering on this server, especially not any more of you kids. You deserve to have a place, and people looking out for you Purpled."

"You keep saying that- but why here? How come you two are the only ones that say that?" He snapped.

Shifting to lean against the railing, you sighed again, "Did you hear about Kinoko Kingdom, when it was founded?"

"Yeah. Karl, Sapnap and George did that, didn't they?"

You nodded, "You know we were supposed to marry Sap and Karl once, Quackity and I."

"Really?" He scoffed.

"Really. Cause we'd been dating, and they'd been dating, and then Karl started hitting on Quackity, and in retaliation Sapnap was hitting on me- anyway, it felt perfect and shit right?"

"Mhhhm."

"Well then one day, right before doomsday, Karl up and disappears, and of course we're worried, but there's a war on. So once its all over, Q was devastated, cause everything he built in El Rapids was gone. He'd always wanted to just make a place for us. He disappeared too.

"Sapnap and I split up to look for them, and planned to meet up here. But- they never turned up. One day we come to find out, they went and started there own place-" You stopped, clearing your throat, and shaking your head, "They abandoned us. I don't want anyone else getting abandoned. This server tried to abandon you Purp, but I'm not gonna let them."

When you looked back over at him, there was a small smile on his face, "...Thank you..."

~~

"(y/n)! Guess who showed up today!"

You chuckled as you looked up to find Quackity leading Fundy toward where you sat at one of the tables under the needle with Charlie, "Fundy! It's so good to see you!"

"Hey (y/n)!" He smiled.

"Hello Fundy From L'manburg!" Charlie greeted excitedly.

Fundy's smile seemed to droop, "How did you know that...?"

"He knows a lot more than most people think," You said apologetically, "Anyway, how have you been?"

"Pretty alright, pretty alright." He nodded, sitting down at one of the open seats as Quackity plopped down next to you.

"That's good. It's good to see you're doing better!"

He nodded, "How have things been going over here?"

"Pretty good," Quackity grinned, "It'll be great to have another official partner on property. So far the only big one we've got living here is Purpled."

"You got Purpled to come here? Wow." Fundy chuckled.

You smiled, "Yeah, I think he's starting construction on a new UFO soon. You got any big plans for being here?"

"I'm not sure yet- but I'll figure it out," He smiled, "I've got a feeling that this place will be better than L'manburg ever could have been."

~~ "Babe, I made breakfast!"

You yawned, slowly sitting up at Quackity's call, "What kind of breakfast?"

"Pancakes!"

"And Purpled From Las Nevadas taught me to make the orange juice!" Charlie exclaimed from the kitchen.

You chuckled, getting up and tugging down the sleeves of one of Quackity's long since stolen hoodies.

Out in the kitchen, Charlie was setting a pitcher of orange juice on the table as Purpled set out plates, and Fundy dug around in a cabinet looking for syrup.

You moved over to where Quackity was flipping the last of the pancakes, wrapping your arms around his waist, "Good morning."

"Good morning babe." He chuckled.

You pressed a kiss to his shoulder, ignoring the overly exaggerated gaging noise Purpled made, "Keep it to yourself!"

"Keep what to myself Purpled from UFO?" Charlie asked.

"Not you idiot!" You could hear the eye roll in his voice.

Fundy laughed, sitting up and banging his head on the cabinet.

You smiled into Quackity's back, listening to the half chaos behind you happily.

~~ "Hey Ranboo!" You greeted cheerfully as he entered the office, "What brings you here?"

"Hi (y/n), I just wanted to ask you something."

"Mhhm." You nodded as he sat down.

"Well it's Tubbo and Tommy, I'm trying to help them with all the L'manburg Schlatt, Wilbur, stuff-" He broke off with a sigh, "I just don't know what I'm doing. They need help but- I don't even know how to deal with my own issues."

You frowned, "Is it nightmares? About the festival?- or Tommy's exile?"

"Yeah... how did you guess that?"

"I know a thing or two about nightmares," You sighed, "they don't really go away like that. You aren't doing anything wrong by not knowing what to do."

Ranboo stared down at his hands, "I just feel like I should be helping them more."

"You know what helped everyone around here? Creating a home- having a place or people, that helped Fundy and Purpled, and kind of Charlie? I still don't know his deal- Anyway! just be there for them, hell, bring them here, we'll all be here for you guys."

He looked up suddenly, "Why would you guys be- why would you offer us that? We're not in your allegiance."

"I know. But I don't think any of you kids deserve what this server gives you. Bring them here or not, you all have a place here if you want it." You assured him.

"Really?"

"Of course."

~~ "AYYYY Big Q!"

Tommy's yell cut through the semi loud sounds of the crowded apartment.

"Tommy! You came!" Quackity exclaimed, "Hey Tubbo! Hey Ranboo! And is that Michael?"

The piglin squealed, running past him into the apartment, toward Purpled's dog.

He laughed, "Well, come in guys, Fundy's getting the movie thing ready, and Purp and Charlie are getting snacks and things."

Ranboo followed Tommy and Tubbo into the room as Charlie came from the kitchen, carrying the bowel of chips Purpled had told him to bring out, "Hey! It's Tubbo Underscore Beloved From Snowchester! And Ranboo Beloved Underscore From {redacted}! And Tomathy Careful Danger Kraken Innit from L'manburg!"

Purpled, who'd stopped in the kitchen doorway, "Did he just make a bleeped out fucking noise with his mouth?"

"Yeah- yeah no he did." Fundy confirmed.

"Your middle name is Kraken?" You asked, shuffling out with a stack of blankets.

Tommy nodded, "Yup."

You laughed, "That's- kind of ridiculous, why would Philza saddle you with that?"

"Well 'es not my dad is 'e?" Tommy scoffed.

"Wait seriously?" Quackity asked.

Tubbo laughed, "You really thought...?"

You shook your head, "Whatever... Fundy what's the status on that movie?"

"I'm almost done." He reported.

"Right, everyone get comfortable then." You said, dropping the pile of blankets you had been carrying.

Quackity plopped down onto the couch, pulling you to sit with him as Tubbo and Ranboo began to make a nest of blankets between the arm chair where Purpled sat and the couch.

Charlie passed around snacks and Fundy finished setting up the projector as the move began.

~~ You sighed, turning and pressing your face into Quackity's shoulder, "Thank you."

It had been a week since Karl and Sapnap had left Las Nevadas, and your fiancé had insisted that you take time off of managing things.

"For what baby?" He asked softly.

"Everything. I love you."

"I love you too." He murmured.

You smiled softly, looking up at him, "How long until that wedding?"

~~ "You ready?" Charlie asked.

You turned to him, looking up from the paper on which you'd written your vows, "Yeah... I think so."

He grinned, "Let's go then!"

You nodded as he looped his arm through yours and you started toward the doorway.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of Las Nevadas!" He announced, "Here we go!"

You chuckled as you started down the isle with him, grinning at Quackity, who stood, looking already close to tears.

Purpled, Fundy, Sam, Tubbo, Tommy and Michael stood in various places around the alter, Foolish glancing down at the book he held open.

As you reached the alter, he started, "Dear people, we are gathered here today to witness the sort of? holy matrimony of (y/n) (y/l/n) and Alex Quackity. If anyone here has any objections to this union speak now, or hold your peace."

There was a silence, Michaels tiny snort being the only sound before Foolish continued, "This journey, which you have started together, will continue on now, as you walk, side by side, step by step, together, now joined in such a way that you can't really get rid of each other without a divorce."

Laughs and chuckles filled the wedding hall as Quackity shook his head, "Nope, you're stuck with me babe."

You laughed, "Good."

"Now, would you recite your vows?"

You pulled the paper from your pocket, "I'm going first. So, ever since we started seeing each other, we thought it would be you and me forever. Even after everything we went through, and even after Sapnap and Karl, its still you and me. I would say that its just you and me, but," You looked around at everyone,

"It's not just you and me, it's you and me and these guys. When we started this place, I knew that it would be difficult, especially with all the hurt that the SMP caused us. But, even as I was helping everyone here heal, you were helping me. Because you helped me find this family, and you- you gave me a thousand little moments that made me feel again.

A thousand moments that helped me heal."

[five-rivers]

So first, I just want to say that I love Mortified, especially the arcs involving Ereshkigal and Innana. The whole thing is absolutely incredible, and I'm always thrilled to see an update. Second, I was rather hoping to offer you a prompt I've had swirling about my head. What if there is some sort of research facility exploring "that which is unknown and previously thought to be impossible" (i.e. magic but they don't call it that because people don't really know about magic and ghosts in this AU) and Danny's class is invited to go on a field trip there. At first, everything is normal, but just after the class leaves the researchers realize that their instruments show that some sort of Eldritch Horror is nearby and they start freaking out, but it's just Danny. I don't know where else this would go though.

Mr. Lancer chewed on the end of his pen.  It was a disgusting habit, he knew, but he could never quite get himself to kick it, especially when he had a problem to confront.  

Said problem was, presently, that enough of his students had expressed an interest in careers in ectology and paranormal science that he really had to give them a relevant field trip.  Unfortunately, there were very few reputable options for such a field trip.  The Fentons were unsafe, Axion Labs refused to give tours, the GIW were essentially a government sponsored hate group.  Most other ‘ghost hunting agencies’ were outright scams.  

But there had to be something nearby.  Or at least in the state.  Maybe not something that explicitly or solely dealt with ghosts, but something.  

Maybe...

Oh!

He shifted to sit straighter in his chair.  That would work.  He started typing an email.

.

“We got a what?” repeated Johannsson.  

“A field trip request,” repeated Deer.  

“Like... from a school?” asked Johannsson, cautiously.  

“A high school,” confirmed Deer, sounding rather stunned.  

“Do they... know what we do here?” 

“Evidently,” said Deer.  

“Like, they know we research magic and telepathy and stuff.”

“Yes.”

“And astral projection, higher-dimensional beings, alternate universes, that kind of thing?  Fringe science?”

“He says the junior class is interested in the ‘paranormal sciences.’”

“Wow,” said Johannsson, finally bringing his coffee up to his mouth and sipping at it cautiously.  “Where,” he started, “where are they from?”

“Um,” said Deer, peering at her computer screen.  “Casper High.  One sec.”  She started typing.  “It’s in Amity Park?  Do you think it’s a joke?”

“Ah,” said Johannsson.  “No, that tracks, actually, if it’s Amity Park.  We’ve got some weird readings on file from there, if you look it up.”

“It’s close,” said Deer.  “If we get readings, why don’t we have a presence there?”

“Another agency called dibs first,” said Johannsson.  “We have enough trouble.  No need to step on toes.”

Deer looked up at Johannsson incredulously.  “We fight eldritch abominations from the edge of reality,” she said.  “Is the boss really worried about stepping on toes?”

“Hey, that’s how we get funding,” said Johannsson, shrugging.  “We don’t want to end up like MKUltra.”

“MKUltra was a scam, Steve.  And also mostly illegal.”

“Yeah?”

Deer shrugged.  “Anyway, should I send this on, or...?”

“Yeah, go ahead.  The boss will probably get a kick out of it, if nothing else.”

.

“I would not have told the boss about this if I knew I’d be the one babysitting a bunch of teenagers,” said Deer through a clenched smile.  She jerked on the hem of her blouse, not used to the more formal clothes she was wearing on this momentous occasion.   

“Yeah,” said Johannsson, “but it isn’t like we get a lot of people coming into this profession for this profession.  And they’re kids.  So be nice.”

“I’m always nice,” grumbled Deer.  

“Well, look like it,” said Johannsson, elbowing her.  He caught sight of the yellow school bus.  “Here they come now.”

They waited until most of the students had gotten off the bus to approach.  

“Hi,” said Johannsson, “you must be Mr. Lancer.”

“That’s me,” said the rather frazzled-looking teacher.  “Come on kids, let’s get settled down.  Listen to our guides.  Let them introduce themselves.”

“Yeah, hey,” said Johannsson, waving.  “Welcome to the Edge Institute, where we study that which is unknown and often thought to be impossible.”

“Hi,” said Deer, frowning at one group of students in particular.  Johannsson followed her eyes.  

The trio in question didn’t seem particularly out of the ordinary.  Except...  Well, there was a reason Deer worked here.  

“I’m Steve Johannsson,” he said, getting back on track.  “This is Sylvia Deer.  We mostly work in report processing and assessment, but that brings us into contact with all our other departments, so we’re more than suited to show you around.”

Sylvia put her thumbs up.  “Yep,” she said.  

“Most of what we work with isn’t terribly dangerous, however, there are exceptions to that rule, and we have some classified projects, so don’t wander off.  Stay within view of us at all times.”

“What if we need to use the bathroom?” asked a student.

“Well, that’s different,” admitted Johannsson.  “We’ve got a couple scheduled stops, so make sure you go at those times.  Other than that, don’t go through any doors we don’t open for you and don’t touch anything without asking first.  Got it?”

There was a soft murmur of assent.  

“Come on, kids,” said Mr. Lancer, clapping, “he asked a question.”

The murmur became slightly more unanimous.  

“Right,” said Deer.  She jerked her head towards the building.  “Let’s go.”

“Anyway,” said Johannsson, “this is reception, which is the only part of the building freely open to the general public.  If you do need to go to the bathroom, they’re right there.  We’re going to hang out here for a few minutes, get everyone taken care of.”

Most of the students made their way to the restrooms immediately, however, that one trio stayed put.  

“Hey,” said the smallest of the group, “do you guys hear that?”

“Hear what?” asked Johannsson.

“Um,” said the boy, slightly rocking forward on the balls of his feet, “there’s, like, an alarm or a siren going off?  It’s really faint, but is everything okay?”

“We’d get a text,” said Deer.  “Not to mention an announcement on the PA system.”

“And the radios,” said Johannsson, tapping his.  

“Right,” said Deer, nodding.  “Maybe you have tinnitus or something?”

“Isn’t that recurrent, though?” asked Johannsson.  “He’d know if he had it.”

“I do not have tinnitus,” said the boy, firmly.  “I really think there’s an alarm going off.  Or maybe someone has a mosquito ringtone.  Gosh, I hate those...”

Johannsson glanced at Deer and noted that she, once again, was staring at the children rather intensely.  Mostly at the boy, but that made sense since he was the one speaking.  

“Danny has good hearing,” said the girl, who was decked out in an array of gothic and mystic symbols.  One which, on closer inspection, would probably be fairly effective at passive protection.  

Johannsson wondered if that was the result of research, intuition, or sheer luck.  

Perhaps that was why Deer was looking at them like that?

“Maybe I’m just imagining it,” said Danny, shaking his head.  “Let’s go to the bathrooms.  There’s probably a line by now.”

Once the kids were gone, and Johannsson and Deer were more or less alone in the entry hall, Johannsson turned to Deer.  “Think we should call Detection?”

“Yeah,” said Deer, pulling out her phone.  “There’s something not right, here.”

“Maybe he’s a sensitive?” suggested Johannsson.  “He could be picking up a project.”

“Or maybe he’s like you and he’ll break every piece of tech invented in the last twenty-five years as soon as he touches it.  Or he was cursed by a goddess, like Vicky in Containment.  Or maybe he just has tinnitus and is in denial.  I still don’t like this.”  She finished dialing Detection and brought the phone to her ear.  “Hey, I-”  She pulled the phone away, glared at it and cautiously brought it back.  “What’s going on?  An incursion?  Then why aren’t we on lockdown?”

Johannsson’s blood ran cold.  “An incursion?  How big?”

Deer held up a hand.  “That doesn’t-  You know we can’t detect everything!  It doesn’t matter if nothing else gets triggered, the protocol is lockdown until we can determine- If you had done your job, the kids would still be on the damn bus!”

At this point, Deer’s shouts had drawn the attention and worry of Mr. Lancer and several of the students who had emerged from the bathrooms.  

“Is everything alright?” asked the man.  

Johannsson glanced at Deer.  “No,” he decided, just before the security shutters slammed down and the emergency lighting came on.  “I’m really sorry,” he said, “but it seems like some of our colleagues were overly excited about your tour and didn’t, er, follow proper procedure following a, uh, event.  So-”

The PA system stuttered into life.  “Attention.  A level seven entity has been detected.  All nonessential personnel, please proceed to the nearest shelter.  Repeat-”

“Seven?” echoed Johannsson, starting to sweat.  “Seven?”

“It’s probably a false alarm,” said Deer, putting away her phone and smiling in the way only people who feel very ill do.  “None of the other incursion detectors went off.  No radiation associated with dimensional breaks or anything.  We should still get everyone to a shelter.  Maybe you can round up everyone from the bathrooms?”

“Right,” said Mr. Lancer, who was enviably calm.  

“Is an entity like a ghost or something?” asked one of the kids, who clearly weren’t grasping the gravity of the situation.  “How strong is a seven?”

Level seven entities couldn’t be described in terms of strength alone.  They were eldritch, uncaring gods that tore at the fabric of reality with their very presence, creatures that had no business being on the material plane.  They shed bright magic and dark science in their wake, leaving those unfortunate enough to see them grappling with madness that was not.  

He really wanted to know what was happening in Amity Park (ghosts?) that made these people so blasé about the alarms, flashing lights, and security shutters.  

Wait a second.  

He unclipped his radio from his belt.  “This is Johannsson, calling detection.  Can you describe the signal to me?  Over.”

The radio crackled.  “Slowly rising over the last thirty minutes, peaking and plateauing in the last ten.  Why?  Do you have something?  Over.”

The bus had arrived ten minutes ago.  Johannsson closed his eyes.  “Maybe.  Will inform.  Over and out.”

He looked over at the bathroom where Danny and his two friends were emerging.  Danny had his hands pressed over his ears.  Whenever the overhead lights flashed off, the boys eyes reflected green.  Just for a second.  

Yeah.  Johannsson had something.  The question was, what was he going to do about it?

[angelhummel]

it triggers me and makes me upset when people call blaine abusive, because i relate to him in a lot of ways. and i have such an issue with people seeing one behavior happen in one instance and instantly leaping to abuse, because abuse is a repeated pattern of behavior intended to be malicious/cause harm. and some of the stuff these people write fics about and put in their tags (even the titles) of their blaine bashing fics, just make me really upset and i hate seeing them appear in the klaine tag on ao3.

i kinda feel like blaine antis are just trying really hard to convince us blaine/klaine was abusive, but you said it in your post, these characters are fictional. no one situation is universal. i think they think because they so believe this was abuse that it's their moral duty to convince everyone of such, and it's gotten to the point where i feel like i'm kinda being gaslighted lol the amount of people who used to like klaine and are now stanning kurtbastian/seblaine/hevans/etc and being all "i've seen the light and realized how abusive and toxic klaine actually were" make me question whether there is just something i'm missing that they've seen. and it just.....these are fictional characters. this is fiction. no one should be allowed to make anyone feel like this.

(i'm so sorry for rambling on about all of that - feel free to delete this if you want! - your post just made me feel a lot better about all of this but also brought on some thoughts of my own lol)

You're absolutely right, anon. And I am sorry that you feel that way because of a bunch of idiots online. Like I tell everyone, the best you can do is block tags, and block whole blogs if you need to. Just try your best to curate your fandom experience for you. And don't worry bc there are plenty of die hard Klainers still out here, despite the fact that people seem to be jumping ship. That's on their bad taste ;)

And what you said. I have seen a lot of myself in Blaine as well. And it's honestly very worrying for me, seeing how people react to his character. Blaine is a good person deep down. He's always willing to help his friends, he puts others before himself, he has everyone's best interests at heart. And he loves Kurt and tries his best to do right by him, even when it's a struggle. A struggle bc of his own internal issues, not bc he ever doesn't love Kurt

But especially throughout season five, watching him struggle with what are clearly signs of mental illness. And his body image issues, his feelings of self doubt and thinking he's not good enough... These are things that anyone could struggle with. God, especially someone who's still a teenager! They're problems that anyone could have, that a ton of people do have. It's part of what makes Blaine a relatable, layered, and dynamic character

And I know we joke a lot but it really does hurt my heart to see people who try to make him out to be a violent abuser bc of his struggles. Blaine is not evil. He's not a demon. He doesn't secretly take pleasure in seeing Kurt struggle. He isn't a sadist. He's just a kid who's living in a new city in a new living arrangement that's hard on him, and everyone else, including Kurt

But struggling and getting into a difficult place like that, that doesn't make you a bad person. Reacting less than perfectly to a difficult situation doesn't make you a bad person. Emotions are always hard, but especially when you're a kid. But Blaine always had and always will have a good heart, and mean well. He just needed some help, and he got it. I think it's a really inspiring story and I love Blaine Anderson for giving that to us

[rurifangirl]

aight. here somes the ask lore thingie

tw for ppl readin: mention of mental illness, father mention

firstly, how did rui end up meetin the rest of the gang? did they all have sum sort of run in? did they just happen to meet on exident?

also is the father a villain? i remember ya mention him, and was wonderin

and do they have a specific place where they stay? like in a dormstory, a single house, do they live in a single town, or in completly different places?

do any of them suffer from mental/physical illnesses? if they do, how does it affect their life/relationships w others?

Aight, so here we go, be ready cuz shit's long.

(1st part - The Rui n the gang meeting; The Shou meeting) No Tw

Honestly, I also kinda wanted to do this for quite a long time, so I'm gonna firstly talk about how the gang (w/o really mentioning the others name's since they're gonna get introduced soon) met itself and decided to form, and then I'll individually do It in Lyva's and Shou's case, specifically Shou's since i mentioned that his meetin was somethin id have to take care of in another post, so i will rn.

First things first, w the whole gang. Now It wasn't really casually, mainly because Lyva n Rui did meet up, but It was during a special occasion still, that being a really important manifestation in one of the main regions in my oc universe. (They don't have name's yet so pls don't bash me🤡) Them being primarly the Forest, where Rui eventually lives in after all of his past shit, the near-countryside part, where Lyva was living, a pretty much city living on water, where Shou's currently living, and many more, as such the dunes with which I'll introduce Qiran (hopefully tomorrow/today),The sea itself, some High up places and as I said many, many other more. Other than this brief intro, they meet up where Lyva used to live, but mainly because of problems and out of conviniance.

Everyone had something to take back from, so they agreed to help eachother to reach that end, so it's all really planned. Now i won't really go w Lyva, cuz i explained how she met Rui the first time n how they helped her, so I don't need to ramble more on this. Now I'm gonna go w Shou's part though.

This Is more of a note i wanted y'all to know first, cuz i really like how Lyva n Rui met him the first time (cuz the second time was when the gang then all agreed to form n all that jazz.). Basically, Rui n Lyva were out, n visiting new places as such, to prepare themselves further and to try and search for more weapons, cuz they both knew that they'd eventually get in trouble, and even though they still are good, they wouldn't stand much a chance, n since Shou's Place is known for its production they decided to go. N fun fact, there's many funny shit that happends, for example Rui tries to touch a fish, but gets SLAPPED by It. They're still mad >:[. Ajkskdj anyways, some other stuff happends n they just, lose themselves. They had a map ofc but still managed to do so. But Rui was usin It so, I don't really blame em for gettin lost.

Shit happends n they find themselves pratically in front of his shrine/palace. Shou's servitors (cuz he saw everything happend from afar n gave them the okay) brought em in, but rather than makin em idk some tea n just making them recouver, Shou rather put them under some "tests" w/o tellin em, to see if they were any use.

For example he brought them some cups of tea, but before drinking them Rui noticed somethin unusual in the water, so they gave Lyva a sign to not drink It, n as Shou asked as a reason why they just replied that they weren't thirsthy, leavin Shou in a kind of defeated state. Bitch if i love this part honestly, there's so much fun to seein all of their reactions, but I'm gonna go brief rn. So other of this tests pass later n Shou eventually gets upset cuz they're all winnin n seemingly makin fun of him, lettin him in a weaket standpoint, n a fight happends. Even though it's a 2v1 situation he can still manage pretty well, so It ends in a draw. They get to talk after this and get to understand that they don't have to necesseraly be on the opposite side, though Shou Is still unsure whether to belive in that or not.

After they leave him, pratically almost alone w only a bunch of servitors helpin him. He admits defeat n won't show up until the event and yadayada. (Also it's during this weak time of his he'll meet Qiran which i already have plans w so it's all goin to be said bout their relationship in their post.)

(2nd part, the father mention.) Tw:father mention

So it's true that w Shou i did mention his father, but I'm not entirely sure bout his involvment honestly. In theory he kind of is a villain itself, even because of his devilish nature, so it's true, but im not sure whether to make him an independent villain or part of a group of them. But rather than that yes, i do want to make him some sort of villain in the end, because that's also part of Shou's agreement to be part of the group. I will make concept art for him so he'll definetly be involved. Not gonna lie, mabye that bastards also involved w Rui's cult too in a way or another but im givin in too many details holy shit I'll never get outta this fuck

(3rd part- where do they live) No Tw

They live in their own homes honestly, but It would be no surprise if they'd all decide to sleep over someone in specifical, though they have their own place. I made some concepts for Rui's intern home, which here It Is 😤 (forgive me for the bad quality but it's 2 am rn 🤡) I made this a while ago but only did Rui's, so I'll do Lyva's, Shou's n the other one's too. They live in different places, for the exception of, atm, Qiran, since I'm gonna say that they're more of a traveller n don't have a stable home.

(4th part- the mental/physical ilnesses) Tw: Self harm and Mental ilness mention

Well, this Is gonna be a ride. They all suffer from Ptsd, which Rui n Shou suffering from It the most. It still affects them all, though in different occasions, so Imma just do them in specifical. (Also because i gotta add some shit to shou that i didn't wanna add because i thought It was too much honestly)

Rui-

It affects them really much. They use crystals n gems to avoid anything going w their past or anything remotely related It, as whenever they feel awful about havin those flashbacks when they still were a child. They never want to talk about what happened, n during their moments It gets really, really bad. Both emotionally and physically, as their body sometimes cannot handle anything so it completely shuts down. They never really got any help for It as Rui's too scared to share bout their experience, both because of trauma itself that doesn't make them say anything even if they wanted to and because of the cults influence, so either way they've got to handle It by their own.

Lyva-

Other than havin to deal w mornin sickness, which Is the least for her, she has to deal w her neglectful childood and how desperate she's always been for litteraly anythin, whether it's related about love,friendship, food, toys, anything. She tried to seek for help and semi found It, but as of now she can't keep up w It and has better things to take care of. It's still really bad overall, but she's hoping for things to get better. Spoiler It really won't.

Shou-

⭕Tw for sh⭕

It's... really fucking bad. I'm gonna get outta this w saying something i didn't want to add because it's really triggerin, but im gonna do It now. So basically, I've mentioned them acting feminenly for his own mother, but i didn't say what would've happened if he displeased her. She would just stare down at him and whispering some awful shit or names. This would happen especially whenever he'd slip off that mask of his or revealed even a tiny bit of his devilish essence. Note that he's still a child here. So, best thing he could to was to "punish" himself, which basically consists of him scratching his arms too much and, i don't really want to continue this, forgive me but it's kind of triggering even for me. But...you can guess what he's doing, since he even to this day still keeps sharp nails. I'm sorry for putting this, but it's another way to show how his mother fucked him up and now suffering from this.

I'm sorry for rushin the last part but i'm not personally vibing w it.

Tags undercut

@a-chaotic-dumbass @spoopy-fish-writes @dopesaladlady @damnfoxx (I'm really unsure bout taggin ya in this ;-;)

If you want your tag removed, dm me cuz it's 3 am at the moment n i may have messed em up. (I'm not gonna recheck tomorrow so that's why)

[dropoutparty]

ngc ramblings part 3- chapter 5

here we are at part 3!!! sorry this one took so long, i originally was gonna make this post include entropy and extus (along with finally talking about face in depth) but it was so fuckin long that im splitting it into 2 different posts! the next part isnt done yet but im like almost halfway done so it shouldnt be too much longer until its out! also before we get into this one:

tw for: death, animal death, and suicide. pls take care of urself and don't read this if those things are triggering for u <3

ok lets get on with the post

at the start of entropy zach doesnt waste any time getting right to the point. this place is bigger than the other planets so far, and zach says the music this time around is a melody that “started out normal but then got distorted” played by a violin sounding instrument. even tho i do sometimes forget that this is supposed to be a creepypasta im not surprised that he said it made him feel depressed and unnerved lmao. anyways, this planet has all new level types in it!! no reused ones!! ok now this is epic. the bosses this time around are megalon, battra, and mechagodzilla, but itll be a good while before we get to those guys because this chapter is long as hell holy shit?? buckle up babez <33 now, before i get into the meat of things as usual im gonna talk abt the planet name! entropy basically means “a lack of order/predictability or a gradual decline into disorder” and that's very accurate to this part of the story. at this point, red is pissed off and is getting desperate, which means from here on out things are going to be getting more intense and more unstable. this world is the turning point in the overall story, basically.

now with that out of the way, zach first goes to the worlds quiz level as usual! this time something was different. usually, in the quiz levels there would be goofy ass music playin in the bg (specifically the GH1D0RA cheat music, if you wanna like listen to it ig?) but from here on out its been replaced by the music from the games password screen, which zach called creepy earlier on in the pasta. im gonna glaze over the quiz again this time, but when we get to the next planet ill talk about all of the quizzes in depth all at once. basically all you need to know for now abt what happens here is face asks “do you like mothra?” and when zach picks no (after going on a tangent abt how mothra sucks lmao,, bro i swear im good at the game my controllers just messed up /s), face enters bastard mode and goes “TOO BAD!” and boom now zach cant play as anyone but mothra. zach is pissed for now but little does he know this is just going to become an even more epic gamer bc of this,, youll never get better at something if you never try and all that.

after that, zach moves on to the first level type- the forest. immediately zach gets an eerie feeling from this level bc he has some kinda fear involving forests at night (i can think of a reason why but ill have to talk abt that later just to be sure). hes also not feelin great about being forced to play as mothra, so the pressure of it all is def starting to get to him by now. the music in the forest is woodwinds followed by slow, rhythmic drums and chiming bells. must have been some ominous woodwinds and bells bc it made him feel like he was intruding somewhere he shouldnt be (oh rlly?? u dont say,, everything up until now has been fine /s). getting into the level itself, eventually zach comes across some weird deer-like monsters just vibing and scares them away when he gets close. later in the level he finds more of these weird deer along with a sloth-like creature on some of the trees and some raptor dudes killing some of the deer. zach shoots one of the raptors but thats about it. nothing really happened in this level but zach noted that he didnt feel like he was playing a video game, but instead it felt more like he was exploring a forest in another dimension. thats interesting for reasons ill ~get to later~ (yall must be so tired of hearing that by now omg,, i know im tired of saying it at least. i was gonna wait until after replay to talk about things but i severely underestimated how long this whole project would be, so i might make a post for the “more on that later” stuff before i get into replay. let me know what u think i should do).

anyways, the next thing zach checks out is the first tv screen level so far. these levels just play an animation with some music in the background, and theres a different animation per level. this time around the animation is of a kid with a beaver(?) head licking a lollipop and the music is the GH1D0RA music that the quiz levels used to use. the only thing of note here is that zach says he had a shirt that looked just like that when he was a kid. after that, were off to some of the weirdest fuckin levels in this whole thing imo- the hourglass levels. these levels have an entirely brown color palette, with grandfather clocks standing in the background (the level appears to be in like a hallway or something) and various time measuring things floating in the air. the music is the same as the board (ig cosby just didnt feel like thinking of what theme this place would have lol). after a little bit zach was rlly happy to see actual enemies from the normal game show up! these are basically like aircraft, tanks, etc. thats not the main attraction here tho, bc this level has its own unique mechanic! this mechanic is the colored hourglass items you can pick up. there are three of them, a blue one that slows time down and makes enemies from the past appear, a red one that speeds up time and makes enemies from the future appear, and a green one that made the time flow normally and spawned enemies from the normal game. zach found the blue one first, which caused a bunch of prehistoric enemies based on real animals to show up. after that he found a green one and fought normal enemies again, and then he found a red hourglass. the future enemies here look like aliens to me, and zach says that one enemy reminds him of something he saw in a book once. eventually, a special future creature showed up and zach was suddenly in a boss battle! or a mini boss battle? that description is probably more accurate. this guy doesnt have a face, and he can only attack by shooting a beam from his face, it sure does look cool! after zach beat it tho, he was off to the next level type, which is basically a toxic waste dump.

zach called it grungy and inhospitable, with the music being a synth ambient loop that made him feel dizzy while he listened to it. this is important because this is the first instance of the game making zach feel something *physically*, not just psychologically. all of the enemies here are mutated to some degree, with him first seeing green mummies with bird skulls coming out from vats of toxic slutch and a brownish cow skeleton monster with spider legs. later zach comes across a deer from the woods, drinking some toxic slutch (delinchous). zach got close to it to try making it stopped but suddenly some enemies came out of nowhere and scared it into running right off a ledge and into the slutch. rip :pensive:. after that zach found more mutated enemies (i.e some things with tentacles and some other deformed thing with human teeth) before he finally gets to the end of the level, where theres another miniboss waiting for him!! this ones a toxic sludge monster with a whale skull who attacks with a mouth projectile and by charging into you. the monster sank into the slutch and thats all for this level babeyy!

the next level is another forest, but this time its winter! its still at night, but this time zach doesnt feel off put, which he mostly attributes to the music. he describes it as a gentle, calm song that almost sounded romantic. the entire first segment of this level had no enemies in it, but dw this level is interesting i swear. the next segment starts out just as empty as the last one, but this time its silent. that is, until the music from “unforgiving cold” starts playing. yaa you remember that place!! i think i said it was less interesting than i remembered but its interesting again now bc it was foreshadowing these levels!! anyways soon after the music started up, zach started to come across tons of frozen bodies of the deer from earlier. some were mutilated, some werent, but they were all frozen and covered in snow. eventually zach does come across something living though, a sloth creature from earlier! its just vibing when suddenly the winter versions of the raptors from earlier rush in and fuckin obliterate the sloth thing. those things just blindly try killing everything in sight, and even start fighting themselves before zach finally gets to the last part of the level.

now this is where shit starts to get crayzay. this part opens up to a big empty field with a full moon and the nice music from earlier back. despite the nice music tho, zach immediately starts feeling dread and eventually he finds a lake. the lake comes down from the sky and starts to crack like an egg, a humanoid figure curled up in the fetus position dropping into the lake below and the moon halves disintegrated. this spawned the moon beast, the hardest challenge zachs had to deal with so far. after he finally defeats it, the screen goes to black and the name “melissa” is on screen, written in red. after that, the screen then says kys. the word kill then fills up the screen, layering over itself until it forms a picture of reds face. its now that we finally get to hear abt the whole melissa thing (which makes it sound like shes been mentioned in the pasta before this but thats not what i mean lmao). to summarize, zach had a middle school gf named melissa (also bro middle school?? wadda hell) who often went into “episodes” where she would stare off, expressionless, before trembling and putting her face in her hands. she and zach hung out in a field at night a lot but one night she just stared at the moon the whole time before running into traffic and dying.

NOW its finally later!!! were not done with entropy yet, but this is the end of part one of entropy so i wanna just take a little break to talk about things so far. this planet is FULL of symbolism and foreshadowing. to start off, i think a lot of the questions face asks at the beginning foreshadow things that happen. some examples are “is time slipping though your fingers?” which could allude to the time levels, “do you have any regrets?” which i think obviously foreshadows the whole melissa thing, “is it safe to go out at night?” and “do you find it hard to sleep at night?” both follow the same kinda theme, which i think relates to how the melissa incident happened at night, specifically out at night. i dont think the forest levels have anything too important in them, other than to introduce the presence of an innocent, harmless creature that doesnt deserve what happens to it later (aka the deer things) which might symbolize melissa. more evidence for this symbolizing melissa comes from the encounter with the deer in the toxic dump and the winter forest, where in the former zach tries to stop it from hurting itself but is too late, being forced to watch it die, and in the latter the same innocent thing from earlier is found dead close to where the real incident took place. the two big themes to keep in mind here are death and time, more specifically the past. most of the enemies here are either made from bones or kill other enemies, there's a dedicated time level referencing things that zach remembers seeing at one point (aka that one alien zach recognized), the beaver head had the same shirt as child zach did, it all connects to zachs past and the death of melissa. as for the moon beast, its the most obvious reference for reasons ive already explained. i dont really know what the moon cracking open and dropping a curled up human into the lake could mean other than some other thing melissa related, but i *do* think that the fact that the moon beast is the most difficult thing zach has faced so far is symbolic of the fact that the trauma from this event has followed him throughout his entire life, and its something he struggles with daily. it could even be the reason why he said no when face asked if he could sleep easily at night. the moon beast also has some black fur around its neck, which i think is meant to represent a tire track, referencing and/or mocking the way melissa died.

its so cool how this entire part of the story builds up to and foreshadows the bomb it drops at the end of the part, giving people something to look back on. a lot of ppl say that as soon as the melissa stuff gets introduced the story goes down in quality, and i do somewhat agree with that sentiment, especially if they want the story to actually be scary, but i think the direction the story goes from this point on is so unique and cool. it does follow the whole “theres a ghost in the game” troupe (even tho it was probably seen as a spin on that originally) but it doesnt do the same cliches as so many other gaming creepypastas do and it really takes the concept and makes it its own. i just think its neat,,,

anyways im done gushing abt this story, lets get on with part 2 of extus!! basically zach has a fuckin panic attack and, after taking a few minutes to calm himself down when its over, he decides that he has to finish the game now because if he doesnt its just going to haunt him for the rest of his life. zach has now realized that the game is “alive” and can somehow see his thoughts and memories, so understandably hes pretty freaked out by it at this point. when he keeps playing, the first thing he does is check out another tv screen level. this time, the animation is of a fish dude just kinda standing there with his mouth flapping open and closed and the music is the neptune board music from the original game. the only reason i can think of for why this is here is maybe the game is mocking zach for the panic attack he just had (bc when u have a panic attack you feel like you can barely breathe, if ur lucky enough to have never had one before and u dont know) but thats abt it. its probably just a random goofy thing cosby threw in there.

anyways, the next actual level is the first labyrinth level. this time around, its a gold labyrinth specifically. the music in these levels is a slow, ominous drum beat with female vocals occasionally coming in and (basically from here on out) the monster zach plays as is now half the size it used to be. i think this shows how zachs feeling at this point, like this whole thing isnt just being a big strong monster and beating up enemies any more, he feels small and scared and helpless in the face of something potentially dangerous that he doesnt understand maybe his confusion about the game is the reason *why* theres so many labyrinth levels here in the first place. anyways im getting ahead of myself. personally, i think the aesthetic of the gold labyrinth is very similar to the green temples back on trance. while trance had a more circular and soft theme to it's architecture and sculpture, entropys is much more square or rectangle oriented. despite this, i think that the golden mazes at least are another religious kind of building, and the architecture is just different because theyre two different cultures who just happen to worship the same spiritual figure (aka melissa. did i say that earlier? i think i did,, if i didnt well the religions worship melissa, not knowing she's a dead human or anything. probably).

moving on, zach notes how the gold labyrinth would probably have been impossible to navigate as any of the other monsters, so turns out face being an asshole was a blessing in disguise after all huh? anyways this place is full of weird gold monsters, lava/fire traps, and stone faces (both in more of an easter island head style and in the regular feminine headshot weve seen so far). zach comes across two feminine heads, one that is more adult looking and pure gold, and another one that looks much younger and whos eyes have red irises and blue scleras. this statue apparently looks a lot like melissa did on the night she died, so zach leaves it pretty quickly. i *think* this is the first time we see the color blue associated with melissa? if it isnt sorry abt that, its been a couple days since i worked on ngcr so ive forgotten some of the smaller or more subtle things by now. GOD i keep getting side tracked ANYWAYS eventually zach finds a non-gold enemy and sees it get picked up by like an arcade crane claw. hes curious so he follows the claw, only to see the monster be put in a big gold cauldron and walk out the side of it as a gold monster.

gonna be honest, no idea what the hell this could mean. like? theres been no themes of corruption or good things becoming evil so far so this just kinda. exists,, yea idk lol. im not part of like any discord servers or anything so all this theorizing and analysis has just been me, maybe getting some small ideas from like random youtube comments or something, so if something ive said so far has been unanimously disagreed with somewhere i dont know about it. thats also why this isnt really a definitive or comprehensive analysis (even tho im trying to be as comprehensive as i can).

anyways zach finds the exit soon after and hes on to the next level type (there's so fucking many of them ik dont worry weve almost gotten to all of them now), the indigo cliffs. the background of these levels is similar to the blue mountains from trance, but now the moon and clouds from the toxic dump background is also here (and colored indigo to match). the music here is just a deep rumbling noise. the first “enemies” he sees here are just a bunch of multicolored little guys coming out of a hole in the ground and jumping off a cliff. were continuing the death theme yall!! anyways zach continues, flying over some more weird creatures (tho some of them just look like dinosaurs lol) before he sees a bunch more of the multicolored guys out and about but this time theyre getting grabbed by birds!! wadda heel!!! zach comments on how the multicolored dudes seem eager to die and thinks maybe the moon has something to do with it (like melissa dude wat!!!! that's crazy /s). at the end of the level there were some more multicolored dudes just walking into a creatures mouth so zach attacked the thing and killed it and the levels over yay!

now its time for the bosses babeyy!!! first zach fights battra (basically an evil moth kaiju), the music is varans theme. battra starts off in his larvae form, where he basically just fought by running into you and shooting stuff at you. while fighting this form, zach noticed that the game buffed mothra because his gamer skillz were too cringe lmaoo. he beats the larvae form and battra goes into his second form, where hes basically a stronger clone of mothra (misogyny). zach fights battra and has fun doing it (for once,, good for him) and he wins yay! next hes fighting megalon (a big beetle/bug kaiju), whos music was gigans theme. im tired when im writing this so ill just give you zachs description of how he fought: “strong, persistent, but dumb”. after this, zach checks out the last tv screen of entropy. this time, it shows a big buff guy with a sack over his head hit a womans head with a sledgehammer while shes tied to a table or something. the music for it was the password theme. i think this is probably here because red is getting angrier? like this guy is still here after i triggered his ptsd?? what the hell!!!

anyways before we get to the last boss we have one last level type to get through- the shadow labyrinth. at this point, zach starts to feel drained because no shit sherlock you just had a panic attack and youve been playing this game for fuckin several hours at this point of course youre fuckin drained. anyways zach enters the shadow labyrinth, which is a black recolor of the gold labyrinth. the music is “evil ambience” similar to unforgiving colds music but distinctly different apparently. there werent any enemies so zach just kinda wandered for a while until the lights turned off, darkening the whole screen and (secretly) spawning tons of spooky enemies thatll chase and hit mothra in the dark. eventually the lights came back on and zach started scrambling to the exit. when the lights turned back off, zach was able to find one of the melissa looking statues and stood next to it. it warded off the monsters while the lights were off, so zach was safe. i think this shows 2 things: 1) its a little more validation for my “religion in this world worships melissa” theory and 2) it foreshadows the way melissa wants to protect zach at the end of the game. zach beat the shadow labyrinth a lot faster than the gold one so were done with all the stages now!! now theres only the last boss and red and were done with entropy!

the last boss is mechagodzilla, but when zach starts the level, normal godzilla is there instead!! its whatever tho bc soon the disguise is gone and its just pretty much the normal mechagodzilla fight (but now hes got a gay beam). at about half health tho, mechagodzillas sprite breaks into pieces like gezoras did way back on earth and reforms into not-mechagodzilla. even tho it looks uncanny (and the usage of the face statue on the front is probably there to further mock zach bc melissa) zach beats it p easily and now its time for the chase. ba dum ba dum thats the sound of a chase.

as usual tho, before i get to the red chase its time to talk about entropy as a planet!! i think the best way to describe the layout is “a big forest with a toxic waste dump in it takes up half the planet while the other half is a large religious temple/labyrinth with a dangerous underbelly”. there doesnt seem to be any intelligent life there now (its all dead by now probably) but there was at some point at least because imean the huge labyrinth is there dude!!! i dont have much to say for this section tbh bc i feel like i've already said everything i wanted to, so its time for the chase ig!!

basically the chase with red here takes place in a labyrinth level bc of course it does. this labyrinth, however, seems to be made of some kind of organic matter. is it flesh? organs? nondescript viscera? idk but it's pulsating and bloody. also this time red has wings too!! anyways, basically zach avoids red throughout the maze, red breaks through one of the walls with his big alien tongue, and zach gets to the end of the maze. nothing crazy happens at the end of this chapter (i think it was crazy enough as is) so thats the end of that and now its time for the penultimate planet- extus.

[just-an-anxious-mess]

Just Like Old Times

Trigger Warnings: Remus being himself, mild emotional hurt/comfort and festive blues

Shining lights and bright colours covered the walls of the mindspace and, as an added assault to the senses, festive spices seemed to be everywhere with no visible source.

This was how the sides celebrated Christmas and Roman and Patton were mostly responsible for how extravagant and over the top it all was.

Virgil had been with them for plenty of years and knew how it worked quite well by now but this year he didn't feel at all comfortable.

The decorations seemed tacky and the smell of spices was sickly. Even the quiet sound of Christmas music had him gritting his teeth and covering his ears as it sounded tinny and annoying.

Everything seemed off and not as inviting as usual but then again Virgil had dropped a significant truth bomb on Thomas that had probably caused this sudden disconnect from everyone else.

Virgil sighed, sitting on his bed with his head in his hands as he thought and over thought the moment he revealed his past to Thomas.

He'd been going over that moment constantly since it'd happened and honestly it was starting to drive him a little nuts.

He felt cooped up in his room but he'd rather spend time in there than out where the Christmas decorations and smells seemed to have infected everything.

He wasn't sure what to do. He didn't want to stay in his room forever but he knew he wouldn't be able to stand leaving it.

Unless....

Virgil frowned and shook his head at the idea immediately, it was stupid.

But it wasn't as if he had much of a choice was it?

Sure he could stay here but he'd be alone, anxious and stressed out of his mind.

At least with Them he knew he'd be able to stomach it

Well... If they even let him join them that is. After everything he wasn't sure they'd want him back, especially considering how he'd left things.

Virgil pondered the decision for a while longer before standing up and making his decision.

This Christmas he would spend with The Others or The Dark Sides as Roman liked to call them.

He took a deep breath before focusing on his door, trying to ignore the way his heart was pounding away in his chest as he felt the air shift slightly and he knew he'd successfully reopened the link to the other mindspace.

Cautiously he pushed open his door, peeking out warily and freezing as he was hit by a wave of nostalgia.

The dark corridor had fairy lights shining along the walls, each door he could see had a coloured wreath and he was surprised to see his door with a black and purple one. He'd assumed they would have just left his blank.

He opened his door wider and peered further down the corridor and couldn't help but smile as he spotted a familiar door covered in bright green decorations that also seemed a bit goopy.

That was Remus's door, same as usual and if Virgil ventured a little further he was sure he'd see Janus's door with the snake shaped wreath of yellow.

Even further down the corridor there would be a door with an orange wreath but Virgil didn't have time to reminisce, he needed to find the sides in question.

He carefully slipped out of his room and quietly shut the door, taking a calming breath to try and slow the panicked race of his pulse.

He slowly crept towards where he knew the living room to be and paused as he heard familiar voices.

"Remus! How many times do I have to tell you!"

"Clearly more than once!"

Remus's voice was full of glee, probably at the expense of Janus who sounded exasperated and tired.

"You know what? Fuck it, eat the tinsel and when you feel ill later I'll say I told you so."

Virgil covered his mouth with his hand, grinning at the typical Remus action and fondly remembering the years he'd spent helping Janus keep him from eating various decorations.

"Do you reckon I'll get tinsillitis then?" Remus asked, and Virgil could imagine the infuriating grin he probably had at the awful joke.

"Remus, I swear, if you keep it up who knows what might happen to my infamous festive cookies."

"Wait! No! You're making those again?"

"Perhaps, I hadn't quite decided but I feel less inclined to do so now..."

Remus let out a screech and Virgil winced but was amused at how the dynamic of the two still seemed the same after so long.

Virgil venture forward and peered into the room, a lump forming in his throat at the familiar décor.

There was an enormous real Christmas tree with various decorations, a couple of them handmade by Remus for each of them, his own not appearing to be on there which was understandable.

He spotted the side in question wrapped in various garlands of tinsel grovelling at Janus's feet begging for him to make cookies.

Janus had a circlet of fairy lights around his hat and was looking down at Remus with a raised eyebrow, amused at the sudden change in his attitude.

Virgil held back a gasp as he noticed a dusty box sitting on the sofa with the star that usually sat atop the tree poking out the top.

He wondered who put it on the tree after he'd left considering that used to be his thing but brushed it off as he heard Remus's voice again.

"Oh my dear snake, please forgive me for my tinsel addiction for it is what I must eat when you're cookies are unavailable. Seriously though Jan, I would murder for those cookies and I'm likely to go smash a bunch of my brother's stuff if I don't get them."

"oh no, whatever shall I do? Poor Romans stuff. A tragedy if ever I heard one."

Janus expression and voice remained deadpan as he spoke and there was a brief moment of silence before Remus let out his cackle of a laugh and Janus chuckled.

Virgil had to hold his own amusement back at the achingly familiar humour that both urged him forward and also made him want to run for it.

It had been so long since he'd any sort of civil conversation with any of them and he was probably being hasty in his decision to come back for Christmas, surely they'd never want him back? Not after everything he'd said?

"Virgil?"

Panic gripped Virgils heart as he locked eyes with Janus who seemed just as surprised to see him as Virgil was to be seen.

"I... um..." Virgil stuttered, eyes wide and his breaths starting to get harder to take.

"Woah there emo nightmare, you need to chill the fuck out my dude. Deep breaths and all that shit." Remus was suddenly right next to him which didn't exactly help.

"Oh shit, Remus how many times do I have to tell you not to pop up next to him suddenly because it makes things worse? you know what never mind, hold on Virgil, I've got you, it's ok, just breathe."

Janus approached Virgil as his extra arms came out and it was as if Virgil had never left as Janus inquired if it was ok to touch him and, when he was given the go ahead, embraced Virgil in an enormous comforting hug and calmly told him everything was ok and reminded him to breathe.

After Virgil had managed to calm himself down he pulled back from Janus's hold and looked around awkwardly, unsure how to proceed.

"So what brings you back to this ass of the woods?" Remus asked, ignoring Janus's suffering sigh at his choice of words.

Virgil hesitated, worried of their reactions and not sure what he'd do if they turned him away but he wouldn't be too surprised.

Perhaps it was because Janus knew him so well or it had something to do with his role when it came to hidden knowledge but whatever the reason, Janus's expression suddenly changed into one of understanding and surprise.

"You told him."

It wasn't a question and it didn't need an answer, Janus knew from the look in Virgils eyes.

"Wait, what?" Remus asked, blinking in an exaggerated manner as he tried to figure out what was going on.

"And?" Janus asked Virgil, ignoring Remus's question for the time being as he watched Virgil carefully.

"He... um... I didn't really..." Virgil spluttered, struggling to get the words out as his mind filled with the expression on Thomas's face when he'd told him.

"Oh, honey, it'll be ok." Janus said in a soft voice, pulling Virgil in for another hug as tears began to run down his cheeks.

Remus was still confused dot com but wasn't going to say no to a group hug opportunity

After an amount of time none of them were keeping track of Virgil felt all the worries that had been eating away at him since telling Thomas seemingly melt away and he knew that was probably because of Janus.

"I... thank you. Um... I was uh, I was wondering if maybe, you know, you weren't busy or if you wanted to, it's no big deal really, um, would it be alright if I, maybe, um... stayed here? with you guys?"

Virgil stumbled his way through his question, eyes darting between the two almost as quickly as the thoughts flitting through his head about them turning him down.

"Of course!" Remus shrieked, his toothy smile immediately appearing as he began bouncing up and down on the spot in excitement.  "This means we get to have the star on the tree this year! Wooooo!"

Remus bounced away, running around the room shrieking and yelling in glee as the other two watched, Janus in amusement and Virgil in bewilderment.

"Wait, what did he mean?"

It was Janus's turn to look awkward and he looked down at his gloves, picking at them instead of meeting Virgils eyes as he replied.

"no reason really, Remus being his weird self."

Virgil frowned as he surveyed Janus's face carefully before turning back to Remus who was throwing his garlands of tinsel onto the tree haphazardly.

"Remus what did you mean by this year you get to have the star on top?"

Remus paused and sent a glance at Janus who was sending him the look Remus had come to recognise as 'don't say a fucking word'. It was a look Remus loved to ignore so with a cheeky grin and a wink at the deceitful trait he replied "Well it's just not a real Christmas without you Virgie so the three of us decided not to put the star on top because that's your thing and we weren't going to just replace you or anything. Plus I'm pretty sure sulky scales here would have had a fit if we'd used a different tree topper. He was most adamant, weren't you Janny boy?"

Remus had a shit eating grin on his face as he took in the ever reddening face of Janus who was glaring heatedly at him but not as heated as his cheeks were, you could probably fry an egg on those bad boys.

Virgil turned to Janus, stunned and a little amused at how flustered he now was. "is that true?"

Janus scowled at Remus before sighing and meeting Virgils eyes and nodding. "Like Remus said, it's just not Christmas without you. After you left the one thing the rest of us could agree on was it didn't feel right, there was always something missing. You."

"wait, all of you?" Virgil asked, completely shocked.

"Yeppers, even old Shouty McPouty Amberlamps. It's not been the same without you. Now are you going to get your butt over here and decorate this tree or will I end up eating it again?"

"Wait, when did you eat the tree?" Virgil asked in alarm and was answered by a groan from Janus who was rubbing the temples of his head.

"He got so distressed last year about the unfinished state of our tree he ended up eating it. It was horrific to watch but it was kind of impressive in an I didn't realise that was possible kind of way."

Virgil felt his eyes prickle as he was surprisingly touched by the knowledge he'd been missed by all of them so much.

He'd yet to see 'Amberlamps' as Remus liked to call him but that wasn't surprising. The orange side usually avoided Remus because the creative traits favourite pastime was annoying people and he especially loved to annoy Wrath.

Wrath had such a low tolerance for Remus's bullshit that the two never really spent much time in the same room because of the messes their fights had resulted in in the past and Remus usually spent time with Janus a lot because Janus was able to keep him from doing most of the random stuff that popped into his head.

"Hey sir-thinks-a-lot! Put the star on the tree already!" Remus demanded impatiently, pulling Virgil from his thoughts.

"Alright, alright, jeez." Virgil grumbled but couldn't help the smile on his face at how amazing it felt to be fitting back into his role so easily.

Virgil stretched up on tiptoes and managed to just about slip the star onto the top of the tree, grinning as Remus let out a childlike scream of joy and Janus's face split into a soft genuine smile.

"Yay! Finally! the gang's all back together!"

"I think you're forgetting someone..." A voice said from the doorway and they all turned to spot Wrath frowning at them but it was gentler than usual as he locked eyes with Virgil and the corners of his mouth twitched up into a slight smile.

"Good to have you back Virgil, even if it's just for however long it takes for the others to get their shit together."

Virgil winced as the mood in the mood soured slightly at that reminder but Remus wasn't one to be easily perturbed.

"Who cares about the future? that's a problem for tomorrow us!

Wrath sighed but didn't comment, instead allowing Remus this small victory because it was the happiest he'd seen him in a while and even if he was a bit of an asshole he wasn't so bad as to make Remus miserable constantly, especially during the festive season.

"Group hug! and it's a proper one now because good old Virgie poo is back!" Remus suddenly exclaimed and there was no warning before the other three found themselves on a couch squashed next to each other and pinned in place by Remus's strong arms.

"Hey! Let go of me!" Wrath exclaimed but, at a look from Janus, cleverly decided to stop complaining before the snake called him out on his fake disgust at the hug.

Virgil was momentarily alarmed and caught off guard but when Janus used his extra arms to also grab them all in a hug he couldn't help but feel safe.

Just being around his old friends again had made him forget why he'd been so anxious in the first place.

It was like coming home.

Tag List under the cut:

General tag list: @mcfreakin-childproof-caps @amethystdarkwolf @patchworkofstars @kitkat-doodles @unikornavenger @dolphin-squirrel @sympathetic-deceit-trash @starryfirefliesbloggo @cakercanart @neonb-fly @kaymischief25 @punsterterry @aprilthevene @theoddkidnextdoor @fuckingemoace @i-sold-my-soul-to-thefandom @im-so-infinitesimal @sea-blue-child @thecatchat @iris-sanders-athena @saphael-malec102 @smedenn @corkeecoderyt @sopi-montezzz @illogicaldeath @deadpanstar @theanxiousfander @lesliealiceinwonderland @wicked-universe @anxious-is-the-name @a-black-pegasus @erlenmeyertrashofsandersides @ace-the-weekly-doodler @luarpice @novusavis @the-life-ofa-troubled-ace @heck-im-lost @nerdy-as-heck @pansexual-cat @ravens-rambling @echomist13 @myownhappilyeverafter @im-a-sexy-mouse @xx-fandom-potato-xx @bisexualellaphants @redundant-statements-for-400 @noahlovescoffee @akl1 @love-ya-to-the-moon @misty2-0 @cdragontogacotar @shad-ster @chemicallyimbalancedromance @ivescottthis @flag-spinning-demiboy @moonstonefox12 @stupidfangirl107 @teegankitty @stormastrote @skylerskywing @oonagh-una @ab-artist @lydialightwood-bane @remythehero @amberrose80q3 @official-spookifers-child @amazonprimebox

[flowerslightning]

(Part 2) Cloud Strife and his Mental Illness

a.k.a Psychiatric Disorder

| 1. Memory | ⇦ Click if u havent read it yet

2. Hallucinations, Illusions and Delusions

Since these three things relate well with Cloud's troubled memories, I'll be talking about them first before jumping to his Confused Personality

This post will bore u a bit or maybe a lot 😂 it depends. If ure interested with psychiatric stuff, u'll find this enjoyable as much as i do

Disclaimer : I'm 21 and still a tiny meany student. During my intern at Psychiatric Department, I learned and witnessed psychiatric problems from real life patients. And since Cloud (my fav FF character) has psychiatric issues, I'll be sharing some of my knowledge and interpretation of Cloud's character. Im not diagnosing him, rather i'm giving my own opinion about his status

@nibelheiim created a post about dissociation, she explained about hallucination, PTSD and more. Come and check her out! Her words were more direct and easier to understand. She explained about Psychological matter and she's a real psychology student too!

While my explanation will be more focusing on Psychiatric Topic and words used will be more complicated (with grammar errors). My facts will be based on ICD 10 and DSM-IV

A lot of people were confused with these three terms - Hallucination Illusion Delusion - These terms associated with abnormalities of perception. It is important to understand that this abnormality holds two keys; ● 1. Perception is the process of becoming aware of what is presented through the sense organs. ● 2. Imagery is an experience originating within the mind that usually lacks the sense of reality that is part of perception.

Abnormalities of perceptions have 4 theme, but I'll be focusing on two major types that relate with Cloud: (i) Hallucinations ; (ii) Illusions. Some cases, perception can be normal in intensity and quality but has a changed meaning for the person who experiences it - it is called as Delusional Perception. It is not an abnormal of perceptions, rather it is a disorder of a person's thinking.

Try guessing, how many from these terms does Cloud has?

1. Hallucinations

- A perception experienced in the absence of external stimulus to the corresponding sense organ. Eg - patient hears a voice when no one is speaking within a hearing distance or patient sees something approaching him when visually no one is there. There are 2 qualities to determine a hallucination: ●it is experienced as a true perception●it seems to come from outside of the head●

The above gif, where Sephiroth suddenly appear again before Cloud's eyes even able to touch Aerith's shoulder, it illustrate perfectly the 'Visual Hallucination'. No one can see Sephiroth, other than Cloud himself.

Cloud [Remake] kinda had anxiety when he stared at the fire and later he saw Sephiroth surrounded with flames, then poof, that silver guy disappeared along with the images of fire. He said he was hallucinating stuff after the first bombing mission. Idk how Sephiroth could create fake images of fire around him, either Cloud was really hallucinating or it was really Sephiroth that came to see him. But, this is what we call as 'Visual and Auditory Hallucinations'. Cloud SAW Sephiroth and HEARD him talking when no one else did. I can also add in 'Tactile Hallucination' because he probably felt the burning sensation on his skin from the flame around him that caused him to feel hot and sweating, or probably it was his anxiety that caused him sweating upon meeting Sephiroth with the flashback of his burning hometown

Hallucinations can occur in all sensory modalities; visual, olfactory, auditory etc. In the Remake, the Whispers could only be seen by certain people. To those who couldnt see it, they would be puzzled what was happening to u, and would've thought that u were hallucinating something, like in the case of Aerith.

In Cloud's case, perhaps Cloud [In OG] had auditory hallucination due to his severe case of Mako Addiction. But then, that wasnt exactly a hallucination though, cuz the thing he said "'Coming.. They're coming" was actually true. A monster fell from the sky.

Other 'hallucinations' that Cloud had was the images of Sephiroth that appeared in certain headache. Cloud may claimed it was his hallucinations, but i've read it somewhere that says it was really Sephiroth appeared before his eyes. Sephiroth was messing with Cloud's mind, trying to break his mental in order to control him. However, IF IT WASNT SEPHIROTH that came, Cloud's 'hallucination' would be known as a mental disorder that may lead to severe case - eg Schizophrenia.

2. Illusions

An illusion is a misperception of an external stimulus. It often occur in several circumstances: (i)level of sensory stimulation reduced (ii)attention is not focused on the sensory modality (iii)level of consciousness reduced (iv)being in a state of intense emotion- fear.

Does Cloud has it? Urm, maybe? Well, it can be proven when he saw his 'noisy neighbour next door' as Sephiroth. As stated above, illusions occur in 4 conditions, and Cloud was in number (i) and (iv). When Tifa yelled him to stop, Cloud came back to reality and got really confused when the 'Sephiroth' that attacked him was actually a sick guy. We can also add in 'Hallucinations of Deep sensation' in this scenario bcause Cloud experienced the feelings of being pushed down by 'Sephiroth'.

However, we all know that 'Sephiroth' was real at that moment. For Cloud, he thought it was an illusion, but for us the audience, it was a real thing.

If u want a better explanation and example, try watching Joker the movie. The main theme of the movie was 'mental illness'. There are lots of scenes that shows different type of hallucinations, illusions and also personality disorder.

3. Delusions

a.k.a fixed false belief. A belief that is held firmly despite evidence contrary. A delusion is nearly always a false belief but not always so. There are around 11 types of delusions according to the book. Half of it may suggest Shcizophrenia. Schizophrenia is certainly not in Cloud's case. I've studied one by one the type of delusions and none of them match with Cloud FF7.

I will surely give anyone a good punch in the face if they dare to say Cloud suffers from Schizophrenia. I've met with bunch of patients having it, and the way they see this world is totally different from us.

In some other cases, eg a spiritualist convince a person to believe in his spiritualism and he present with contrary evidence to the non-believer. This non-delusional belief is called 'overvalued ideas'

Overvalued ideas is an isolated , preoccupying and strongly held belief that dominates a person's life and may affect his action. One of the easiest example i can come up with; a friend who had skin cancer may be convinced to her roomate that cancer is contagious, and her roomate suspects any abnormal skin conditions she has is an evidence to show she too, may have developed the same cancer, when the truth is, she's just completely fine.

It is very hard to distinguish between a delusion and overvalued ideas.

I had a patient, he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He looked like an ordinary man, but when he talked, it sounded so unreal. He said he had jumped off from 10th floor several times and didnt get a scratch from it. He believed he wont die bcause he had gained super power. He even convinced me to try his 'so-called-secret technique- on how to survive a jump. By doing that often, I will have a superpower like him - a strong physical body. Up until now, I still dont know if he was being deluded with his thought or he was overvalued his idea, bcause from his psychiatric record, he did try to jump off from the second floor of his apartment's balcony a few times.

So, Im not really sure of myself did Cloud [FF7] really had delusion or not. Well, he believed he made it to SOLDIER bcause he had mako eyes. But was it something we called as delusion or was he just overvaluing his idea? He didnt know the truth and his memory messed up. No one could explain to him why he had Mako eyes, except Prof Hojo and Zack who knew the truth

Besides, after Tifa helped with his memory, Cloud accepted the fact he wasnt in SOLDIER. For patient who deluded with their own thoughts, they hardly could believe what people told him.

However, surely Cloud [in AC] had delusions of guilt and worthlessness due to the fact that he believed he had done something shameful and sinful - the main trigger of this theme was, he got infected with Geostigma while he was searching a cure for Denzel. Cloud got depressed with the loss of Aerith and the memory of Zack death had returned, but I think he was recovering very well in that two years time skip. The moment he got Geostigma, he became deluded he was worthless and his depression kicked in again.

Hallucinations and Illusions are normal to be experienced by healthy people, but it wont be if u encounter too many hallucinations & illusions in 2 weeks time. Believe it or not, a lot of people around us are actually mentally ill bcause some of them may have excessive certain delusions, such as delusions of jealousy, grandiose delusions, nihilistic, paranoid etc. Although 'it is consider as normal' in a few circumstance, a few cases need to refer to psychologist and in severer cases, must refer to psychiatrist. If u follow Dr Phil's show, u'll see a bunch of patients have different kind of crazy delusions.

Overall from my statement above, I would conclude that since Sephiroth always appear before Cloud's eyes, this resulting Cloud to think he has both Hallucination and Illusion, when in fact, he's just a normal guy with amnesia and personality confusion. Cloud doesnt have Delusion like how many fans said, neither he has an overvalued idea, even with the evidence of Mako eyes supporting his reasoning + he's a great fighter. I will have to say that perhaps it is his brain defence mechanism that tricks his mind to believe he is a Soldier.

If only Sephiroth stop disturbing Cloud's life, it will be a lot faster to fix Cloud. Tifa alone will be the main strength to get Cloud back to normal. Ah, but this is the beauty of the game. Life wont be exciting without the presence of a beautiful villain and a love triangle (Tifa-Cloud-Sephiroth). Lol Technically I see them trying to fight for Cloud's mental health. Tifa wants to help Cloud with his mental status while Sephiroth is trying to destroy it. Lolololol

My crack theory : Sephiroth says he's going to take Cloud's most precious thing, and he ends up choosing to kill Aerith, but ofc there's another reason why Aerith got killed. But if Sephiroth kills Tifa first, I think he can take over Cloud's mind faster, because then, no one will be holding Cloud back. Honestly no one can ever will, not even Aerith. So does that mean Sephiroth doesnt know about Cloud's deepest secret or is Cloud just good at hiding his weakness?

I WILL UPDATE THE NEXT POST LATER because I've reached tumblr limit images agaiiin. The next part will be focusing about his personality - Personality Disorder

If there is any part that I've mistaken, pls correct me. I'm sorry for my english. English is not my native language, so there are plenty of grammar errors.

[struwwelzeter]

I’m so fucking tired. We’re just NOW cancelling Till over a three year old interview that everyone already knows about, because a deeply traumatized man wasn’t fixed by talk therapy so he struggles to understand it. Fuck this fandom, I have never seen such a concentrated bunch of cancel-happy babies who get offended by everything. There’s some great people in this fandom but most of it is a dumpster fire.

To be fair, I think the majority of people being assholes on twitter aren’t fans. But yeah, every “uh this is going to far now” person should take a long hard look at themselves. And realise: that damn bad article omitted a small but important “for me personally” and “often” from the original quote. It’s low life click bait journalism that even Bild wouldn’t put out everyday. The way the same people post #ShutUpBild like they’re oh so beyond being manipulated and then fall for this bullshit is just beyond words.

I found out about it by a tweet from a mental health activist that I follow(ed) because he tweets about his depression very openly and with justfied anger, and he got very upset. And I hate that, that these so called magazine are less so targeting the musicians (Till won’t give a damn), but that this article is written to target and offend people that will get triggered because they are hurting and read something that is completely dismissing their experience ... based on a lie by omission.

Another thing: Something I generally dislike about mental health being discussed on social media is the way people dismiss the fact that alot of people have been raised with the fact that mental illness isn’t real, and that it’s very hard to defeat those voices in yourself. Instead of reacting to it with compassion, everyone who is doubtful or just has bad experiences with therapy (maybe because they themselves weren’t ready) get’s bashed as “dismissing people’s experience.” Half of this stuff is people being in toxic environmemts and having no tools whatsoever to connect with those parts in themselves. They’re victims of stigmatisation too, not the main cause of it. And I really think that is disgusting, this neverending scream for compassion and the total unwillingness to extend it to people who say things that are wrong because they don’t know better.

And I don’t think that’s Till anyway. For some people, therapy simply does not work. There is literature about that too, and we should talk about that. Because I’m less worried about a fan who reads that and feels invaldidated - I don’t think that happens that often. The people into his work often know better why they’re into it. What I’m worried about is that someone with depression, for whom therapy also just doesn’t work, reads all these vicious tweets and feels like a failure for not succeeding in getting treatment. Because that also happens, alot actually, and we don’t talk about those people that fall through the cracks. Therapy isn’t a fix all. The comparsion with that “would you tell a person with a broken arm to just get it together” is flawed, because a broken arm is a physical, fairly straightforward thing that oftentimes can be fixed by going to see a doctor and letting it fix it for you. Depression is self work, it relies on yourself and your ability to reflect and readiness to commit and healing it is a damn lot harder than fixing a broken arm. And we don’t talk about that enough. Alot of those tweets are way crueler than anything Till said - and didn’t even say to that extend because that article was a lie.

I don’t know, as someone who also struggles with seeing a huge benefit in therapy (the only real thing it did for me was giving me a sick leave which was honestly the main thing I needed) I found the entire thing super hurtful - meanwhile what Till said I was ok with and at max worried for him.

I’m in general so sick of cancel culture. People make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. I think that is horrible. For most of us the day on which we ourselves will make a terrible mistake will come. It might even be years of missguided blindness. When you come back from that, wouldn’t you want people to forgive you for that? And can you expect forgiveness if you can’t extend it yourself?

[coolgreatwebsite]

Cool Games I Finished In 2020 (In No Real Order)

Oh, hey! Right! I have a website! I’m like a week late on writing this, but what’s a week on top of an entire year of not writing, right? 2020 was... well, we all know what 2020 was. For me personally, it was simultaneously the best and worst year of my life. The worst in both ways you can probably assume and ways you definitely can’t (neither of which I’ll be getting into), and the best in ways I absolutely never would have guessed. That uncertain job I mentioned last year got very suddenly much more certain, at a much bigger company, for a much larger amount of money. That allowed me to get my own place, making my weird living situation much less weird. Still haven’t gotten the majority of my belongings off of the east coast, but if the entire world wasn’t currently fucked up by a global pandemic I’d have sorted all that out too. What I’m saying is that, for the third year in a row, my life has been a complete whirlwind that has left me very little time to get comfortable with any aspect of it. But I did manage to play more video games than I did last year! Which is perfect, because it’s once again time for another one of these. Here’s a bunch of cool games I experienced for the first time in 2020.

Astro’s Playroom (PlayStation 5, 2020)

My one word description of Astro's Playroom is "delightful". It's just an absolute goddamn delight. A total surprise too! Included with every PlayStation 5, Astro's Playroom is, in my opinion, one of the best pack-in games of all time.

First off, it's an incredible tech demo for the PS5's new DualSense controller. It was easy to brush off Sony's talk about the controller's haptic feedback and triggers as some Nintendo-style HD Rumble bullshit, but it really is incredibly cool once you get your hands on it. The game is obviously more than a tech demo though, or else it wouldn't be on here. It also just so happens to be an extremely solid and fun platformer on top of that. Astro controls exceptionally well and the levels are all well-designed and fun, even the gimmick vehicle ones designed to show off different features of the controller. It also has an oddly compelling speedrun mode, made all the more compelling by the PS5 notifying you when your friends beat your times and the ability to load into it within two seconds from anywhere on the console. But the biggest thing for me and, call me a mark, because I am, is that the game is an honestly incredible love letter to PlayStation history.

For the first time ever, Sony has pulled off a nostalgia piece without it ending up as embarrassing garbage in the vein of PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale. There's a Nintendo-like joyful reverence for all things PlayStation oozing out of every single corner of this game. There are so many nods and references and gags for literally every PlayStation thing of note throughout the the last 25 years, and then on top of that there's a whole heap more for the things that AREN'T of note that only hyperdorks like me would get! A sly reference to the ill-fated boomerang controller? Yep. A goof on the fat PS3's Spider-Man font? You betcha. A trophy you can earn by repeatedly punching a Sony Interactive Entertainment sign until it breaks and reveals the Sony Computer Entertainment sign it was slapped on top of? Yeah buddy. It's deep cuts all the way down, even up until the final boss which had me grinning like a total dipshit the entire time. The game is endlessly, effortlessly charming.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons (Nintendo Switch, 2020)

Animal Crossing: New Horizons was the perfect game at the perfect time. That doesn't mean it's a perfect game, I actually have some issues with it, but it could not have released at a better time than when it did. It came out at the very very beginning of everyone going into lockdown due to the pandemic, and it was the biggest game in the world for a couple of months as a result. I played like 300 hours and that pales in comparison to the amount of time many others put into it.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons is the most different Animal Crossing game there's ever been, and I'm of two minds on it. Like, I loved the game, I played a ton of it, but it's lacking so much of the stuff that made me love Animal Crossing in the first place. The series has been slowly trending in this direction for a bit now, but it's not really a game that happens around you anymore. It's all about total player control. You select where everything goes, you customize every detail of everything to your liking, hell, you can even terraform the landmass to be exactly what you want. Your neighbors take a backseat in focus and end up as little more than decorations with limited dialogue and next to no quests associated with them. Series staples like Gyroids are missing in action. Facilities and services that have been around since Wild World aren't implemented. It's similar to past Animal Crossing games in a lot of ways, but on the whole it feels like a different thing.

But like I said, two minds. New Horizons strays from what I truly want from an Animal Crossing game, but I can't deny that the game as it is is a hell of a lot of fun. There's SO much you can do and SO many options, it's super addictive. Plus it implemented my long-requested feature of letting you effortlessly send mail to friends online! Too bad the actual online play is as cumbersome as ever.

In conclusion, Animal Crossing: New Horizons is a land of contrasts. I'm kidding. It's good, but definitely missing something in a way where I can understand some people being disappointed in it. I had a ton of fun though, and I'm probably going to get back into it later in 2021.

Trials of Mana (Nintendo Switch, 2019)

Late in 2019, with the physical release of Collection of Mana for the Switch, I decided I was going to play through each game on it for the first time and finally find out what this whole Mana thing was about. I went into Final Fantasy Adventure (the first game in the Mana series, because every RPG had to be Final Fantasy back then) with zero expectations and found a totally serviceable little Zelda-like with light RPG elements. I enjoyed my time with it. I went into Secret of Mana with the expectation of it being a beloved classic and found the worst game I beat that year, hands down. That game fucking sucks. I get why it made an impression on people at the time, but it's just so so SO awful to play. Needless to say I was pretty disappointed. Honestly, I would have been disappointed even if I hadn't heard it was one of "the best games" for so long. It would have been a disappointing follow-up to Final Fantasy Adventure, a game that in and of itself isn't anything incredible. Secret of Mana is just that rotten.

I braced myself for more disappointment when (after a much needed vacation from the series) I started up Trials of Mana. This game had a reputation too, as a long-lost classic that never made it stateside. One of the best games on the Super Nintendo, criminally never released for western audiences! Like Secret of Mana before it, I'd heard nothing but effusive praise. Unlike Secret of Mana, however, I was very pleased to find out that Trials of Mana mostly lives up to the hype. From a gameplay standpoint, Trials is an improvement on Secret in almost every single way. It's not perfect. The menus are still kinda clunky, animations for things like magic and items are still frequently disruptive. But the main thing is it actually plays like a sensible video game designed by humans with brains. Attacking is responsive! Hitboxes aren't complete nonsense! You don't constantly get stunlocked to death! There are more answers to combat than casting the same spell for five straight minutes to kill your enemies before they get a chance to move! It's great!

On top of being an enjoyable video game to actually play, the presentation is top notch. Secret of Mana could be a pretty game with decent music in some spots, but Trials is consistently gorgeous and the soundtrack is across the board great instead of randomly having songs that sound like clown vomit. And while Trials of Mana doesn't have the deepest story in the world, it manages to avoid being completely paper-thin like Secret. The story actually kind of has a reason for being a bit straightforward, and the reason is that it has a really cool system where you pick your three playable characters from a pool of six. Each character has their own goals and storyline, some of which line up with other potential party members, some of which don't, and you'll even run into the characters you didn't choose as NPCs along the way. This and the relatively brisk pace of the game make it highly replayable.

I'm really glad that Trials of Mana made it over here in an official capacity, even if it was like 25 years late. It's as good as I expected Secret of Mana to be and singlehandedly saved my interest in seeing any more of the series. I'm aware the quality of what came after is very spotty, but I'll get to the rest eventually!

Final Fantasy VII Remake (PlayStation 4, 2020)

They (almost) did it. They (basically) pulled it off. They remade (a chunk of) Final Fantasy VII and (for the most part) didn't fuck it up. Ok, funny parentheticals aside, Final Fantasy VII Remake is astoundingly good coming off of over two decades of just absolutely dreadful post-FF7 sequels, side games, and movies.

Final Fantasy VII has been historically misremembered as this kind of miserable, angsty, brooding thing, both by fans and by the company that made it. FF7-branded media after FF7 itself is a minefield of changed personalities, embarrassing original characters, and monumentally lame stories. Final Fantasy VII Remake is the first post-FF7 anything that actually remembers the characters, setting, and plot of Final Fantasy VII and what made them memorable and special to people in the first place. Which isn't to say it's a slavish recreation! There's a ton of changes and additions, and I actually like almost all of them! Except for some really big stuff I'll touch on in a bit!

The combat in Final Fantasy VII Remake is great. I was super skeptical about it when the game was first announced, but they actually managed to make the blend of real-time action and turn-based RPG menuing fun and engaging. The characters all play super differently from each other too, which is a huge and welcome difference from the original game. The Materia system fits like a glove in this revamped combat system as well. The remixed music is good as hell, and the visuals are beautiful (outside of a couple of very specific spots that I'm kinda of surprised they haven't fixed in a patch yet). It's a well-executed package all around.

But alas, as always, there are negatives. For starters, this is only part one of the overall Final Fantasy VII Remake project. It goes up to the party leaving Midgar which, as you may or may not recall, is the first six hours of the original game. They compensated for this by fleshing the hell out of the Midgar section the game, ballooning the overall playtime to total of about 30-ish hours. The game feeling padded is a common complaint but for what it's worth, I didn't really feel it until the unnecessarily long final dungeon, There's also the previously mentioned and funny parenthetical'd changes and additions I don't like.

This is big time spoilers for this game so if you don't want that jump ahead to the next game on the list. The Whispers suck ass. Final Fantasy VII Remake should have been brave enough to be different without having to constantly derail everything in the most ham-fisted and intrusive way possible. You can have Jessie twist her ankle without making a spooky plot ghost trip her. I don't want to fight the physical manifestation of the game everyone thought they were getting as an end boss. If you're not doing a straight remake, that's fine, but have the fucking guts to stand by your artistic decisions without feeling the need to invent the lamest deus ex machina I've ever fucking seen. The last couple of hours of this game are 100% about the Whispers and are awful for it. It's a true testament to the strength of the rest of Final Fantasy VII Remake that this aspect didn't completely sour me on it. I can only hope that they stay dead and gone for good in the games yet to come and the remake can be different while standing on its own two feet.

I truly cannot wait for the next entry in the Final Fantasy VII Remake project. I'm excited for Final Fantasy VII in a way I haven't been since the late 90s. I have a bit of trepidation that they could royally screw it up. I mean, they already got kinda close, as I said in my last paragraph. But they got so much right in this entry that, for the first time in decades, I'm willing to believe in Square Enix when it comes to Final Fantasy VII.

13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim (PlayStation 4, 2020)

My one word description of 13 Sentinels is "fucking crazy". I realize that's two words, but shut up. A bizarre hybrid of visual novel, adventure game, and strategy RPG, 13 Sentinels not only makes that work, but makes it work incredibly well. 

The story is fucking bonkers. It's told entirely non-linearly and is purposefully dense and confusing, but it does an amazing job of hooking you with a cast of likable characters and some impressively well-paced twists, made all the more impressive by the fact that you can tackle the story in basically whatever order you want. I'll say it again for those in the back, the story is Fucking Bonkers. Wherever you think it's going, it's not going. Where it is going is PLACES. Seriously, if you want a wild goddamn ride, this is the game for you. The presentation is also stunning. It's a drop dead gorgeous game with a really nice soundtrack. Easily Vanillaware's best looking game, which is saying something seeing as looking good is Vanillaware's whole deal.

If I had to levy one criticism against the game, it's that the strategy RPG portion is just kind of ok. It's enjoyable enough, it doesn't get in the way and there's not too much of it, but once it starts introducing armored versions of previous enemy types it's kind of done doing anything different. It is really good at getting people to out themselves as having no idea what tower defense is as a genre though!

Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition (Nintendo Switch, 2018)

I haven't really historically been a "Musou Guy". Not to say I've actively disliked them, they're just not something I've seeked out very often or played very much of. Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition kinda turned me into a "Musou Guy" a little bit? It's good, surprisingly-less-mindless-than-you'd-think fun.

I actually super don't care about the Zelda branding. I think all the fanservice stuff is meh at best. What I do care about is that there's a ton of character variety and a metric shitload of content. There's so many different characters and weapons for those characters that all play differently from one another and SOOOOOO many levels to play. Like the story mode is, again, kinda meh, the real meat of the game is the Adventure mode and there's a ton of it. It's 8 different world maps, each based off a different Zelda game, with each square of the map containing a little mini-scenario with unique objectives and rewards. There has to be at least 1000 scenarios between all the maps. There's so much. And that's not even getting into some of the other side stuff like the challenge modes and the fairy raising. It's a crazy amount of game in this game.

And again, it's not as mindless as it'd seem. It's not really a game ABOUT destroying 5000 guys, it's an area control and resource management game where the 5000 guys are one of those resources. Knowing who to send where and when to fight who is way more important than pressing the XXX YYY XXX YYY on the more than one million troops.

I'd say that if you're even cursorily potentially maybe interested in a musou game, this is the one to try. And if you like it, it could literally be your forever game. A sequel came out recently too, and I'm looking forward to trying that out soon.

Phantasy Star Online 2 (Xbox One, 2020)

Phantasy Star Online 2 finally came stateside in the year 2020, eight years after its initial Japanese release and initial American cancellation. It's no Phantasy Star Online 1, but it is a really fun game in its own right provided you can find the willpower to break through its clunkiness and eight years of confusing poorly tutorialized free-to-play MMO cruft.

The main thing going for PSO2, and this is a major improvement from PSO1, is that the act of engaging in its combat is fun. The combat is just feels really really good. There's a bunch of different weapon types and classes, and once you find the ones that really click with you you're in for a good time, whether you're izuna dropping dudes with wire claws or literally doing air juggles and rainstorm from Devil May Cry with the dual machine guns.

The other stuff around that combat is weird. I generally like it, but it's weird. The story mode is one of the most bizarrely presented things I've ever seen. It apparently used to be something you'd seek out in the levels themselves, but presently it's just a list of scenes you pick from a menu and watch with next to no context until it makes you fight a boss sometimes. There's some weird moments in there that MIGHT have been cool if it were presented in literally any other way?

The systems and presentation are also way more... I dunno, pinball? Pachislot? In very stark contrast to how chill original Phantasy Star Online was, everything in PSO2 is designed in a way to maximize that flashy light bing bing wahoo you got ~*~RARE DROP CHANCE UP~*~  feeling. Which isn't to say I don't like flashy light bing bing wahoo, but it's a weird different thing.

Was it worth the wait? Yeah, sure! For me! This is another one that I played like 300 hours of! I haven't even seen half of it, I fell off right before Episode 4 released because it coincided with my move! I'm gonna go back and see all that shit! PSO2's fun! A different flavor of fun than the original, sure, but fun all the same. Another one that I'm glad finally made it over here.

Riichi Mahjong (A Table, 1924)

Holy shit I fucking did it I finally learned how to play Mahjong and it rules.

It started when I picked up Clubhouse Games for the Switch. I saw that it had Riichi Mahjong and something in my brain snapped. For whatever reason, I decided that this was the time I was going to rip the band-aid off and figure this shit out. It wasn't too dissimilar to the first time I decided to try eggs, but that's a different and much stupider story for a different time. I did the tutorial in Clubhouse Games, looked up some more basics and advice because the tutorial wasn't super amazing, and I kept playing while being aided by the game's nice helper features like the button that pulls up recommended hands. I kept playing and... sorta got it. I learned the basic rules, but none of the strategy. And then I stopped playing for a few months.

In that few months, for whatever reason, a decent amount of people I know had their brains snap the same way? Like a more-than-two amount of people I'm either friends with or following online also decided to learn Mahjong. I decided to get back on the horse and downloaded Mahjong Soul and I don't know whether it was perseverance or the power of anime babes, but this time I got it. I still refer to a sheet with all the hands and whether they work open or closed, and I'm by no means a master player, but I actually honest to god understand what I'm doing and it's an incredible feeling.

Mahjong has such a huge amount of what I like to call "Get That Ass" energy. It is the energy you feel when you get someone's ass. In Mahjong you are either constantly getting someone's ass or getting your ass gotten. Someone puts down the wrong tile and you fucking GET THEIR ASS DUDE! They're got!! They're a fucking idiot that put down the wrong thing and now you have their points!!! Or you draw what you need yourself and you're a brain genius all according to plan and everyone gives you points because you're so wise!!!! It's great!!!!!

Mahjong has long been one of those games where I'd say "I'll learn this someday" and never reeeeally actually try to learn, and I'm so glad I finally took the effort to because it's good as hell. And, truth be told, it wasn't THAT hard to learn? Like you can get to the point where I was where I didn't know the strategy fairly easily in my opinion, and once you do that It's just a matter of continuing to play to understand the rest. I highly recommended that you also go out and learn it if you similarly revel in getting that ass, it's so satisfying once you do.

Yakuza: Like a Dragon (PlayStation 4, 2020)

Ryu Ga Gotoku Studio took a big gamble with Yakuza: Like a Dragon. After seven games (more if you take spinoffs and remakes into consideration) they decided to focus on a new main character and, even more unexpectedly, they decided to change things up by turning the series into a turn-based JRPG. Their gamble paid off in spades. This is easily in my top 3 favorite Yakuza games.

The JRPG gameplay is surprisingly solid. There's definite room for improvement, but they nailed a bunch of it right out of the gate. Some mechanics are a little janky and I wish the job system was more fleshed out or just worked more like Final Fantasy V's, but they nailed one of the most important things and made the battles brisk and fun. It's a great foundation, especially for a team that's never attempted anything like this, and it's way more fun than the combat's been in any of the previous Dragon Engine games. I can't wait to see them iterate on it.

Everything else is top fuckin' notch. The music is great, the side content is fully fleshed out in a way it hasn't been since before they switched to the Dragon Engine, and I love the characters and story so much. Yakuza has a new main character in Ichiban Kasuga, and he's my son and I love him. Kiryu was great, and I love him too, but he was a bit of a passive protagonist. Stuff happened around him and he mostly just stoically reacted to it. Ichi is a much more active lead and it's great. He's a big lovable dope, and his tendency to keep an upbeat attitude and eagerness to leap into action is such a breath of fresh air. And it's not only Ichiban, since this is an RPG you have a whole party of characters and they're all great! Having them with you at all times bantering with each other and reacting to things is another great change of narrative pace, too. 

Yakuza: Like a Dragon just straight up rules. As someone who has historically not been too much of a fan of the Dragon Engine games, it's simultaneously a refreshing new take on the series and a fantastic return to form. I can't wait for what comes next. Wherever Ichiban goes, I go.

Moon: Remix RPG Adventure (Nintendo Switch, 2020)

After 23 years of Japanese PS1 exclusivity, Moon: Remix RPG Adventure finally got an English release this year for Nintendo Switch. I'm glad it did, because Moon isn't just the very definition of A Sebmal Game. It's the Sebmal Game missing link. In addition to being just a great video game, it helped me make a mental throughline for a bunch of games I love and a large part of my taste in video games.

To keep a long story short (seriously, I have a much much longer version of this saved in my drafts that I'll maybe finish someday), Moon turned out to be not the JRPG I assumed it was, given the title and basic story pitch, but a secret prequel to a game I love named Chulip. Moon's developer, Love-de-Lic, was formed by a handful of ex-Squaresoft employees, many of which worked on an extremely formative game I love named Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. Love-de-Lic broke up in the year 2000 and its staff went on to form a bunch of different studios that ended up making a BUNCH of different games I love like Chibi-Robo, Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland, Dandy Dungeon, and the aforementioned Chulip. These games, when you make the connection and line them up, all have a very distinct weirdness in common that makes perfect sense once you've realized many of the same people worked on them. Figuring this all out felt like snapping a piece of my brain back in place, and it was really crazy to come to understand exactly how much this studio that formed and disbanded decades before I'd even heard of them had impacted my tastes and, hell, my life.

So what is Moon, for those who don't innately understand what I mean by "a secret prequel to Chulip"? Moon is an adventure game where you explore a world with a day/night cycle, learn about that world's inhabitants, and eventually solve their problems. Think of it kind of like The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, but if the sidequests were the entirety of the focus with no Groundhog Day time reset mechanic and none of the Zelda stuff like combat and dungeons. You play as a young boy who, after a late night JRPG binge session, is sucked into the world of the game he was just playing. Everything is off from the way it was portrayed while the boy was playing the game, though. The hero he had previously controlled is actually a silent menace, raiding peoples' houses for treasure and slaughtering every innocent animal that crosses his path in an endless quest for EXP. The townspeople seem more concerned with problems in their day-to-day lives than the supposed world threatening crisis outlined in the game's intro. It's up to you as the boy to investigate this world's mysteries, help the townsfolk, mend the damage the hero has done, and eventually restore love to a loveless world.

Speaking of love, I fucking loved Moon. I loved the story, I loved the characters, I loved the music, I loved the way it looks (even though the Switch port is a little crusty in that basic emulator-y kinda way), I loved how constantly bizarre and surprising and funny it was. Like I said earlier, it's the very definition of a game made for me. It was essentially the progenitor of a long line of games made for me, and of games potentially made for me but I don't know yet because I haven't played them due to not understanding Japanese (UFO: A Day in the Life translation next please? Anyone from Onion Games reading this??). For as similar as Moon and Chulip are in their systems and pacing, I think I might actually like Moon better despite it coming earlier? It's not as full force maximum impact absurd as Chulip is, but it is a lot more playable and less obtuse once you get a grip on the time limit mechanic. You don't need a full strategy guide included in the instruction manual for Moon, and you don't need to exchange business cards with every single character to get information vital to finishing the game either.

I truly cannot recommend Moon enough if your taste in games ventures anywhere off the beaten path. Maybe this is a little conceited of me, but I assume if you're reading this article, let alone this far down into it, you relate to my video game opinions at least a little bit? You should play Moon. Everyone reading this sentence should play Moon. Moon: Remix RPG Adventure is my game of the year for the year 2020.

These games were also cool, I just had less to say about them:

Death Stranding (PlayStation 4, 2019): Death Stranding, much like Metal Gear Solid V, was a game I enjoyed for the gameplay and not much else. The story, characters, and writing were a huge disappointment for me, but man if I didn't enjoy lugging those boxes around and setting up my hellish cross-continental goon summer camp lookin' zipline network. Mr. Driller Drill Land (Nintendo Switch, 2020): I am a known Mr. Driller Enjoyer, and I enjoyed this Mr. Driller. Originally released for the Gamecube, Mr. Driller Drill Land is another long-time Japanese exclusive that finally came stateside this year and it's packed with new and novel twists on the Mr. Driller format. It looks super sharp, the music's great (also the credits music is the most impossibly out of place and extra as hell shit in the world and it's hilarious), and it's just a good ass time. The main campaign is pretty damn short, but if you're a post-game content kinda guy it has that and it's all super hard. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1+2 (PlayStation 4, 2020): They finally made another good new Tony Hawk game, and all it took was perfectly remaking two of the best old Tony Hawk games! Plays exactly like you remember it with the added benefit of the best mechanics from up to THUG1, looks great, packed full of content, even has most of the music alongside some mostly crappy new stuff. It's the full package as is, but I do hope they end up adding THPS3 to it eventually. Mad Rat Dead (Nintendo Switch, 2020): Mad Rat Dead was a pleasant surprise that I only picked up because I saw a couple of people on my Twitter timeline constantly talking about it. A fun and inventive platformer where all your actions need to be on beat with the music. The gameplay feels great (aside from some not so great performance issues on Switch), the soundtrack is fun, and it's got a real good style to it. Demon's Souls (PlayStation 5, 2020): I love Demon's Souls and this is Demon's Souls. It plays exactly the same with some minor quality of life changes. I don't agree with many of the artistic changes, but there's no denying it looks incredible on a technical level. If you want to play Demon's Souls again or for the first time, this is a perfectly valid and fun way to do so. Groove Coaster: Wai Wai Party!!!! (Nintendo Switch, 2019): Groove Coaster is one of my favorite rhythm games, and they finally made an acceptable at-home version with Wai Wai Party. It's not a perfect replication of the arcade game control-wise, I have some issues with the song choices, and the pricing is frankly fucking ridiculous if you're not a Groove Coaster maniac like I am, but the same ultra satisfying gameplay is all there. You can even play it vertically in handheld mode! Flip Griiiiiiiip!

And we're done! Phew! Honestly didn't realize I played that many good games until I typed all this out. Thanks as always for reading this far. I'm gonna try and get back to regularly posting Breviews this year at the very least. Honestly don't know if I'll get anything else up on here, but we'll see. Here's to hoping 2021 is a little bit less of a nightmare!

[avengerscompound]

The Test

The Test: A Clintasha Fanfic

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Clint Barton x Natasha Romanoff

Word Count:  3111

Rating:  M

Square filled: @clintbartonbingo​ - G1 Missing Scene

Warnings:  Sex talk, pregnancy scare, talk of past miscarriages and red room stuff, angsty, hurt/comfort

Synopsis:  When Natasha wakes up feeling nauseated, she and Clint had to face the possibility that she might be pregnant.  With the newness of their relationship and the fact that the Red Room has made it impossible for her to carry a baby to term, the three minutes it takes for the test to work are the longest of their lives.

A/N: After Natasha showed up in Rocket Raccoon with two of Clint’s kids I’ve been thinking about a story about how that happened considering in 616 Natasha can’t carry kids to term.  Now with Katie Barton showing up too, this story of finding out Nat was pregnant came to me.  I’m really happy with how it turned out.

The Test

Natasha woke completely engulfed in Clint’s arms.  That’s how it had been since she’d started her relationship back up with the archer.  It was like he was worried that during the night she’d disappear on him again and realize they weren’t meant to be together.  Not that she could blame him for that.  Their history was anything but smooth sailing but even at their worst, she had loved Clint Barton.  He was her best friend.  The only person who looked at her and saw the potential for what she could be despite her past, rather than a limited version of herself because of it.  There were often times she didn’t think she could live up to the image Clint had her, but god damn if she didn’t want to when he looked at her the way he did.  Even when he was married to someone else, or she was dating someone else, he never looked at her with anything other than the eyes of someone who truly believed in her.

They had always felt inevitable, but timing or their own messed up bullshit had gotten in the way.  This … this felt different.  Permanent.  Home.  She just hoped they didn’t mess things up again.

As much as she wanted to stay, wrapped in his well-toned arms, the bathroom called her.  She slipped out of his embrace, pushing a pillow into his arms as he reached out to the once occupied space.  She knew it wouldn’t keep him asleep for long but it would buy her some time in the shower alone before he hopped in behind her and it became about anything but getting clean.

She used the bathroom and hopped under the warm stream of the shower, letting it wash over her.  It was a rare day where she didn’t need to be somewhere doing something.  It was nice to be able to just enjoy it.  She grabbed the shampoo and squeezed some into her palm.  Something about the scent triggered her gag reflex.  She dry heaved as she rinsed the soap from her hand, and staggered out of the shower, dropping to her knees and throwing up into the toilet.

Clint appeared behind her and pulled her hair back behind her head.  “Are you okay, Nat?”

“No,” Natasha said, throwing up again as he rubbed her back.  When her stomach finally seemed to settle, she sat back and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.  “Pizdets.  That came out of nowhere.  I can’t even remember the last time I threw up.”

Clint helped her to her feet.  “Maybe it was something you ate.  Those shrimp tacos from that dodgy-looking food truck?”

“You had three times as many as me,” Natasha argued as she got into the shower.  She used the water from the showerhead to rinse the taste of sick out of her mouth.  “Why aren’t you sick?”

Clint stripped off his clothes and took out his hearing aids, putting them on the top of the medicine cabinet.  He climbed in behind her and circled his arms around her.  “Because I’m a manly man and you’re just a tiny girl.”

Natasha elbowed him. Hard.  It made his foot slip out from under him and he pinwheeled his arms trying not to fall before Natasha caught him again.  ‘Are you trying to make me kill you?’ she signed.

“Yeah, I was regretting that as the words were leaving my mouth.”  He said a little too loudly.

Natasha let out a breath and leaned her head against his shoulder.  She wondered if it was the tacos.  She’d been feeling a little off for weeks now.  Achy and ill.  Like she was getting the flu.  She stood back and looked up at Clint.  ‘Maybe it wasn’t the tacos.  Maybe I’m getting sick,’ she signed.

“Can you even get sick?”  He asked.

She shrugged and turned away from him.  Honestly, she didn’t think so.  While the serum she had was flawed compared to Steve’s it had always kept her healthy.  Maybe it had started to run its course now.  Or maybe whatever she caught had been designed specifically to attack super-soldiers.

“Maybe you’re pregnant,” Clint teased, running his hands up Natasha’s sides.  “Let me see.”  He cupped her breasts and seemed to bounce them in his palms like he was trying to weigh them.  “They do feel bigger.”

Natasha scowled and wheeled around on him as she tried to mentally count back to when she’d last had her period.  She had never been great with birth control.  The hormonal stuff worked for a little while and then the serum would start adjusting for it, and her body physically rejected any kind of implant.  So there was just the barrier kind, and she’d remember that most of the time until things got comfortable.  Normally it didn’t matter.  The serum had made it hard for her to conceive anyway.  But not impossible.  “Don’t even joke about that!”  She snapped, not even bothering to sign it, and trusting he got the tone in her voice by lip-reading alone.

“What?”  Clint asked, a genuine look of confusion on his face.  It was hard to keep her fear and anger directed at him.  Besides, as far as he knew she was just infertile because of the Red Room.  He didn’t know the dirty details.

She huffed, jumped out of the shower, grabbed a towel and dashed to the bedroom.  She grabbed her phone and started going through her calendar to work out exactly how late she was.  Clint appeared in the doorway, still dripping water, with a towel wrapped low on his hips as he put his hearing-aids back in.  “What did I say, Nat?”

“Pregnant, Clint!”  Natasha shouted.  “I think I’m pregnant!”

Clint just stared at her with his mouth opening and closing like a fish.  “What?  What?  What do you mean, Nat?  You said you couldn’t?”

She dropped her gaze.  “No,” she said.  “I can.  I have been before.”

“What?”  Clint said.  “Nat!  You said!  I would have been more careful!”

“I know, Clint!”  She cursed under her breath.  Just a string of random nonsensical swearing in various different languages, including Latin.

While Natasha was trying to figure out how exactly to explain to him how she’d fucked up, Clint’s face seemed to go through a whole emotional journey.  Like he was experiencing the five stages of grief all at once but instead of settling on acceptance, he settled on a hopeful optimism.  He moved to Natasha quickly and kneeled on the ground in front of her.

“But this is good,” Clint said, taking her hands in his.  “Nat, if you are… you get to be a mom like you wanted.  That’s good isn’t it?”

Natasha felt a very unfamiliar sensation in her eyes.  Was she about to cry?  Was Clint’s hopeful little puppy face about getting to have kids with her going to make her cry?  She rubbed her eyes in frustration and shook her head.  “You don’t understand, Clint.”

“Is it me?  You don’t want to have kids with me?”  He dropped his hands and flopped back onto his butt.  Lucky seemed to sense something was up with his favorite human being and he padded over and flopped down directly in Clint’s lap.  “Of course you don’t.  Why would you?  I’m a fucking mess.  I’m sorry, Nat.  If you… I dunno… want to …”  He shook his head and shrugged.  “...alone.  Or whatever.”

“Oh, you idiot bird,” Natasha said, kneeling on the ground in front of him and cradling his jaw.  “I love you so much.  Of course, I would want to have kids with you.  If anyone it would be you.  It was always you.”

“Then what is it, Nat?”  Clint asked.  “Shouldn’t you be excited?”

“There are so many things, Clint,” she said, looking down again.  “We’ve only just gotten back together.  Our lives.  But most of all…”  She stopped and let out a shuddering breath.  Clint looked at her with both fear and hope written all over his features and she was about to break his heart, the same way hers broke every time she thought about this.  “Clint, it’s not that I can’t get pregnant.  I can’t carry to term.  The serum makes the pregnancies non-viable.”

“Oh,” Clint said.  The sound almost like he’d been punched in the stomach.  “Oh,” he repeated.  He leaned forward pressing his forehead against hers.  “Has this happened before?”

Natasha sucked in air suddenly and two tears escaped her eyes.  She turned her head away from him.  He couldn’t see her weak like this.  She couldn’t be weak like this.  Not in front of Clint.  Not when he looked at her like the way he did.

He reacted quickly, shoving Lucky off his lap and pulling her into it.  His hands bunched in her hair and he kissed her.  The kiss was everything she needed it to be.  Strong and reassuring.  Loving and tender.  She knew exactly what he was thinking as he kissed her.  It was going to be okay.  Whatever happened, good or bad, they were together and it was going to be okay.

When he broke the kiss he kept her wrapped tightly in his arms.  “Maybe we’re getting ahead of ourselves, Nat.  When was the last time you had your … you know?”

Natasha pulled back from him and got back up, retying the towel around her.  “My period?”  She asked, and Clint nodded enthusiastically.  “Good god, Clint.  You want to have a baby with me and you can’t even say the word period?  What if this works and it’s a girl, and I die, and you have to tell her about periods?”

Clint started laughing as he got up.  “That is really getting ahead of yourself, Nat,” Clint said and when the scowl didn’t leave her face, he shook his head and looked into her eyes.  “If we do end up having a daughter together, I promise I’ll practice saying period.”  He sat down on the side of the bed and patted the space beside him.  Natasha moved up next to him and put her head on his shoulder.  “But when was it?”

“I’m not sure exactly.  It tends to be erratic.  They really did a number on my reproductive system.  But I’d say around two months ago.  Give or take a couple of weeks.”

Clint patted her leg and got up and started pulling on the dirty clothes he had scattered around the room.  “I’ll go buy some tests.  Okay?  Then we’ll know and we can work out what to do from there.”

Natasha watched as he hurriedly got dressed and Lucky seemed to be determined to try and trip him over.  “Clint?”  She said quietly.

“Yeah, Nat?”  He said as he pulled on his shoe.

“You’d be a good father, you know?”  She said.

Clint came over and kissed her forehead.  “Thanks, Nat.  You’d be a great mom.”

“I’m really scared.”  She whispered.

“That’s okay,” he whispered.  “It’s scary.”

She caressed his cheek with her thumb and flopped back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.  “I’ll be right back.”  He said and whistled for Lucky.  The mutt trotted after him as he headed out the door.

Natasha was still lying staring at the ceiling when Clint burst back through the door.  She hadn’t moved at all since he’d left.  She had just stayed lying there, wrapped in her towel with her legs hanging over the end of the bed.  The only difference between when Clint left and when he arrived was Liho was now curled up on her chest.

“Nat?”  He said softly.  “Are you dead?”

“I wish I was dead.”  She replied.

He sat down beside her and gave Liho a scratch on the head.  “I got you some presents.  Look.”

She sat up, putting a disgruntled Liho on her pillow, and looked in the plastic CVS bag he was holding open.  Inside was some Hershey’s Kisses, a Pez Dispenser in the shape of Ariel from the Little Mermaid, a bottle of strawberry lemonade, a small remote-controlled car, and the pregnancy tests.

“You bought all this for me?”  Natasha asked, looking up into the blue of Clint’s eyes.

Clint nodded and kissed her forehead.  Her eyes glistened with tears again and Clint's heart ached for her.  He knew how she felt about looking this weak, even in front of him.  He wished he knew the right words to say to make her realize she could do this.

“I love you, dummy.”  She whispered.

“I love you too, Nat.”

Natasha sighed and pulled out the tests.  “I better do this then.”

Clint sat on the edge of the bed and waited for Natasha to come back out of the bathroom. He pulled the remote-controlled car from the box and set it up.  When Natasha returned, she sat down next to him and put the tester on the bedside table.  Clint handed her the car’s remote.

“What do we do if it's positive?”  Natasha asked.  Her voice was hollow like she had lost the ability to emote over this anymore.  She started driving the car and immediately hit the dresser, knocking one of the wheels out of alignment.  Clint got up and picked it up.  He grabbed the multi-tool he kept on the dresser for when he wanted to mess around with his custom arrowheads and came and sat back down while he attempted to fix the small car.

“I don't know, Nat,” he said, frowning.  “What do you want to do?”

“I just -” she let out a breath and leaned over to watch what Clint was doing.  He wasn't entirely sure himself, but he'd taken off the whole base and was trying to straighten up the wheel.  “I hate how the Red Room still has this control over me.  I want to be a mother.  And I can't imagine anyone else being the person I have kids with except you.  But they've taken that from me.  This will just go like it did last time.  I'll get excited about it. Start buying baby things.  And one day I'll wake up in a huge pool of blood and it will be gone.  I can't go through that again, Clint.  It'll destroy me.”

Clint put the car back together and put it on the ground without saying anything.  Natasha pressed on the controls and the car did a donut and spun off under the bed.  Lucky barked at it and crouched with his head under the bed, his tail wagging like a helicopter blade.  “I’ve been through that too, you know?”

Natasha turned her head to face him.  “What?”

Clint nodded and fiddled with his fingers.  “Bobbi.  It wasn’t planned.  Like now.  But damn if we weren’t excited about it.  She didn’t make it very far into it before we lost it, so we never told anyone it happened.  Didn’t want the sad looks and asking if we were over it yet.  It hurt.  Bad.  But you move on.  There’s not a lot of choice.  Whatever happens, if you want to try to go ahead with it, I’ll be here.  If you do end up losing it.  I’ll be here.  If you really think you can’t go ahead with the pregnancy… for whatever reason… I’ll be here, Nat.”

Natasha rubbed her cheek against his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her, holding her close.  “What if it does work out?  I want to be a mother more than anything, but are we really ready for that, Clint?  How would that even work?  What if all that happens is we end up breaking up and raising this kid who just hates us for never being there because there’s always Avengers stuff?”

Clint shrugged and reached under the bed.  He pulled the car back out and took the control from Natasha and started to drive the car in figures of eight around the bedroom floor while Lucky both chased it and ran from it.  “Now?  Later?  What difference does it make, Nat?  We’ll never be ready.  Not really.  But I love you and I want… all of that with you.  We can work it out.  Even when we weren’t together, it’s always been you and me.”

Natasha put her foot out and the car banged into it.  Lucky pounced on it and flipped it onto it’s back.  They both started laughing and Clint pulled Natasha into his arms.

“We’ve never talked about any of this before.  Family.  Children.  Not even marriage.  You married Bobbi but you never even brought that up with me.”  Natasha said.

“Bobbi asked me,” Clint said.  “In fact, Bobbi asked me, took me to Vegas and booked a cabin in the mountains with a spa, so we were married and on our honeymoon within a week of her saying she even liked me like that.  The first day I met you, I was in love with you.  I would have married you right then and there.  But I know you, Nat.  That’s never been you.  You want to get married?”

You smiled and nosed at his cheek.  “Maybe. To you.”  She let out a sigh and wrapped her arm around his waist.  “I hate the can still hurt me.  I’ve been away from them for years and they can still make me cry.  I don’t cry, Clint.”

“I know, Nat.”  He said gently.  “You’re my strong and emotionless girlfriend who I love very much.”

“Has it been long enough?”  Natasha asked.

Clint picked up the test and looked at it.  There were two indicator windows, a really small one with a single vertical line running through it and a much larger one that had what looked like a big bright pink plus.  His heart skipped and for a second he forgot how to breathe.  Positive.  The test was positive.  Natasha was pregnant and maybe she’d end up losing it, but right now she was pregnant with his baby and he was the happiest he had ever been in his entire life.

“Positive.”  He said, keeping his voice neutral, in the hope that how happy he felt wouldn’t put pressure on her to do something she didn’t want to.

Natasha looked up at him and slowly her face broke in a smile.  “We’re parents, Clint.”

Clint grinned and leaned in and kissed her, cradling her jaw in his large hands.  Maybe it would go the way it had for both of them in the past.  Maybe they’d have to work through their grief together in the broken, fucked up way they both dealt with things like that.  But right now, at this very moment, they were parents and nothing, not even the Red Room could take that from them.

[coastaldragon]

Dragon Diary 1/7/21

So...this is my resolution for the year.

I wanted to start a kin-related diary. I found myself missing how often I used to muse about myself and my experiences here, and have long since felt...detached from myself. Stuck in the loop of going through the motions of “human.”

A week late on my first entry, but so it goes.

These entries will just be flow-of-consciousness blabbles for the most part. I’ll talk about any kin-related thoughts I’ve had that day, how I’ve been feeling, how my otherkinity has affected my day, etc.

I have a lot of catching-up to do with you all, so the first few entries may seem disjointed and a little long. Lets get started. This is long. And a bit negative. But hopefully they won’t all be.

cw for death and drug mention and health talk like needles and stuff

I don’t quite remember why I dropped Tumblr like I did. I think I was getting annoyed at all the UI changes, and just overall very busy with “real life.” These things happen. I slowly drift away from a platform. Sometimes for weeks, months, or years in this case. Then I’ll drift back. Kind of like a scrap of wood on the waves.

In the time I’ve been gone life has been...interesting. The source of the stress that caused me to awaken in the first place is gone. He OD’d in...2014? 2015? Some time around there. My grasp of time is worse than ever.

We hadn’t even known he’d be using anything. Turned out he was stealing my late father’s remaining fentanyl supply. One of those guys who preys on widows like my mother. He lied about everything. His entire past as we knew it was a lie. And he was just leeching off of us.

It was...hard. I was the one who found his body upon getting home from work. My mother is still traumatized, even now. Even after all he did. She did love him.

I think all that hardened me quite a bit. And I’m sad for it. I’m still trying to soften myself again, but my trust has never been shattered like that before or since.

My now health is...poor. I had a great job working at an independent pack-and-mail sort of place for a few years. Very laid back, when the customers were nice. Helped me build a lot of strength and muscle. Quite enjoyed showing off by hefting 50lb boxes onto my shoulders. Helped me feel less weak in this squishy human body of mine.

But about...2 or 3 years ago [again, time is a myth to my brain] I woke up and my shoulders were just.

Locked.

It felt like someone had stuck paint spanners under my shoulder blades or something. Not only that, but I was weak. I barely had the strength in my arms to lift a half gallon of milk in the morning.

We thought I’d just hurt myself showing off, somehow. So we gave it some time. Took ibuprofen, used pain creams. Took a few days off work.

But it didn’t get better. It got painful. And the moreso. And moreso. And then my back began to have trouble as well. It was spreading. I felt...ill.

So. Doctors. Tests. More bloodwork than I’ve ever had in my entire life. [10 vials at once for one appt!]

My primary, who is a garbage person I never wish to see again, insisted it was just a sprain. Or something. Whatever. But I knew it wasn’t. My mother knew it wasn’t. Everyone I knew knew it wasn’t.

Specialist time! At the behest of my cousin, who has a litany of autoimmune disorders, we hooked up with a rheumatologist. Who I will call Dr.M. 

Dr.M is an angel on Earth. I am convinced of it. A full year he spent with me, ordering tests, trying treatments, working with me to figure out what the hell was going on. And we did. And what a mouthful it is.

Ankylosing spondylitis. No, it’s not a dinosaur. [Though I do think I’m ‘hearted for ankylosaurines...I don’t think it’s related lol!]

You can look it up if you like. But basically: My immune system is fucking crazy and attacks all the things. Most places describe it as being a lower spine disorder, and while that is certainly where its centralized in most folks, that’s not all it is.

For example mine is, obviously, centralized in my shoulders and upper back. But it does aaaaaaaaaaall sorts of crazy shit. Every day is different. Joint pain, exhaustion, GI trouble, stomach upset, lack of appetite, murderous migraines. The usual for an autoimmune illness. But also wacky shit like costochondritis [painful inflammation of the cartilage of the ribs], random organ inflammation like in my kidneys [not fun], lungs [I had a 3-month stint of chronic bronchitis last winter], and even my heart [very not fun.] Sometimes it likes to attack my “integumentary system” aka shit like my skin and hair meaning I’ll have weeks where my hair just. Sheds. Like a damn cat. It gets everywhere and w/ my long-ass quarantine hair it’s so annoying.

This attack dog immune system does mean it’s unlikely for me to catch little bugs like your common colds and stuff, which is appreciated. But it also likes to maul anything else it deems foreign. Like medication! I took Humira shots for a few months and had a “paradoxical reaction” aka it did the literal opposite of what it was meant to, because the injections pissed off my immune system so much it went scorched-earth on whatever it could. Mostly my thighs, since that’s where the injections were. I still get stabbing pain in them and it’s been over a year. [No, I don’t think I can sue Humira over this. Though I have discussed it w/ my Dr.]

This also means that if I do get sick, it’s bad news. Something strong and unique like COVID? Death. Deaaaaaaaaath. Would likely trigger something called a “cytokine storm” aka my immune system nukes everything and my organs die and so do I.

So guess whoooooooo’s been locked up at home for almost a full year now? :’)

I luckily am able to work from home, though it barely pays the bills, and my health has suffered from a lack of being able to Do Stuff I normally would.

As a result I decided to get back in touch with myself.

It started with Second Life, because of course it did. A new dragon avatar came out. Shiny and mesh and easy [by SL standards] to modify. So me and a few friends [some kin, some not] made a group for sharing stuff for the av and just hanging out. It’s fallen by the wayside unfortunately but those nights spent chilling in SL with a bunch of other dragons roaring and goofing off felt really really good.

And then I made a kin Twitter. [And found some exceptionally cool kinfolk in the process.] 

Then came Othercon the virtual otherkin convention and OtherConnect, the Discord spawned from the community that rapidly formed within the con. Othercon felt incredible. Panels and lectures about the history of otherkinity and alterhumanity and how we are today and rep in the media and just so! Much! Cool! Stuff! And tons of great kinfolk too! 

To not only be within a community but seeing others like me and speaking with them, not just typing back at words on a screen. It was...so very, very reaffirming. It felt like a second awakening almost. I wanted to cry for finally, truly not feeling alone.

And now I’m here. Because I need to be. Because something, deep down, is telling me I’m going to be needing myself sometime soon. So I’d better get started.

I hope I don’t drift away on the tide again. I’ve missed this site, worse for wear as it is.

But I’m a bit tired today. A nasty headache lingering from yesterday’s nastier flare up. Accursed cold fronts. I used to enjoy them but not so much these days. Ah well.

I know there wasn’t much kin talk in this first entry, but as I said, we had a lot of catching-up to do!