#but it makes my want to go full Hellraiser and take off my flesh

[andragoras-in-vanity]

does anyone else with chronic pain/fibromyalgia (or whatever the stupid new name is for it that they wont take seriously either) have any idea on how to alleviate leg pain? or even just discomfort?

[moviesrotbrains]

DANIEL ISN’T REAL... but I’m so very glad this film exists.

After dealing with increasing anxiety and fearing a grip on reality, a college freshman turns to his childhood imaginary friend for comfort and confidence boosting… only to realize that his much cooler and carefree pretend buddy has an unsettling violent darkness about him. Could Daniel possibly be something more than a figment of his imagination?

DANIEL ISN’T REAL is an utterly surreal fever dream, channeling the best in cosmic horror, body horror, and psychological horror while also taking a bold look at deeper issues. It comes from Elijah Wood’s SpectreVision imprint, the same company that gave us such gems as MANDY, A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT, and COLOR OUT OF SPACE...  and this one’s right up there with those modern classics. And you can watch it now on SHUDDER!

Full review and some seriously kickass poster art below:

Directed by Adam Egypt Mortimer (and based on Brian DeLeeuw’s book, In This Way I Was Saved), DANIEL ISN’T REAL is a wonderfully fantastical ride through fucked up subject matter. It tackles mental illness, trauma, dual nature, identity, male toxicity, and empathy… with a good amount of Lovecraftian madness and trippy, yet terrifically disgusting Cronenberg-esque visuals thrown in for good measure.

It’s an engaging story too, about a young man, Luke, overwhelmed with life as his mother’s mental health condition worsens. He’s dealing with that on top of everything else college kids go through, lack of confidence, anxiety, etc. There’s also a fear of his own sanity. He keeps hallucinating and blanking out. His therapist suggests that maybe he should try to tap into that creativity he had as a child, where he’d regularly play for hours on end with his imaginary friend, “Daniel”. Only things got very weird and unsettling the last time he played pretend with his fictional playmate.

Once Daniel re-enters his life, things start to change. Luke’s mother issues get better. Luke suddenly feels more confident in life. Luke is finally doing well with girls. Luke’s getting creative again with photography... and all of his problems seem to go away… Only Daniel seems to want more credit and recognition. And Daniel seems to be getting angrier. And that’s when things get really fucking messed up.

This film is wonderfully acted by a mix of up-and-comers and veterans of the scene. Luke is played by Miles Robbins (HALLOWEEN 2018) and gives that immediate likeable and kind, yet also meek, portrayal that perfectly conveys what kind of a person that Luke is. There’s a lot of range in emotion in this performance, from hurt and confused to confident, to something else entirely. I always get a kick at seeing an actor completely flip their performance and style midway and totally embody something else, and this film has that and more.

Contrasting that likability and meekness is Daniel (played by Patrick Schwarzenegger, SCREAM QUEENS), the titular imaginary friend who’s pure Freudian Id. He’s cool, slick, charismatic, and always knows the right thing that Luke should say, or do, to get ahead. He’s helpful… when he wants to be… but he also has a lot of darkness. A scary darkness that seems to stem from… something else. Patrick excels when he taps into this dark alias. He’s evil as fuck. There’s a sinister glee in his manner. Epitome of ���Chaotic Evil”. He’s such a great asshole. He really kicks it into gear when the audience fully know what we’re dealing with… 

Yet even then, nothing is over explained. And that’s the beauty of this film. There is no expository dialogue or wasted scene. Everything is laid out there and the actors just bring it. This film lives in a world of it’s own and the audience is a passenger for the unholy ride. It’s a very slick flick full of world building and the kind of outstanding performances that really make everything shine.

Rounding out the supporting cast is Luke’s troubled mother (veteran Mary Stuart Masterson, who powerfully played a similar and memorable role in BENNY & JUNE), Sasha Lane (HELLBOY) as the love interest, artist, and really, the heart and soul of the film, and Hannah Marks (DIRK GENTLY) as the other girl faced with Luke’s dark side. again, all perfectly played and perfectly cast, giving a much needed balance in this heavy film.

And it’s a very heavy film. The story was a deeply personal one for Mortimer (as he explained to us in 2019, when he brought the film to the Montreal FANTASIA film fest). The director drew from his own experiences from his youth, when a friend was similarly dealing with mental health issues. Mortimer had to help him, because his friend was “falling off the rails”, with no one around really helping him out, “not friends or professionals”. He talked of his friend’s life being in ruins, and how it just “spiraled off into mania”. 

That experience deeply impacted Mortimer. It was from this that Mortimer wanted to make a film about empathy and compassion for people going through severe mental illness issues. While Luke’s troubles stem from something more, the parallels are still there to people in real life going through non-otherworldy issues. The overall sense of helplessness, and a desire to be understood and taken seriously, is still there, and still a universal theme. Especially right now.

This film also tackles a lot more than just matters of wellness. Mortimer also wanted the film to deal with the “increasing danger” young men are in these days. “The Dangers they face and the danger many are to themselves”. 

Mortimer talked about them, “Living in a world where men have been driven insane by society. A society where many men are both the product and the villain of it.” A lot of this is seen on film when Luke battles for control with Daniel. Daniel representing that alpha and that Id. Luke grasping for control and trying to be that voice of compassion and reason. It’s a wonderful character study that is only heightened by the horror elements that come into play.

And yes, it’s an absolute horror fan’s delight and it’s visually stunning to boot, mixing psychological & psychedelic horror together. It felt like I was watching HELLRAISER again for the first time, but if that film was shoved in a blender with FIGHT CLUB, JACOB’S LADDER, and copious amounts of mind altering drugs. But comparing it to anything else does no justice to the wholly original eye-gasmic feast set before us. I keep saying this, but it truly is an utterly wonderful surreal fever dream. It’s so very layered and out there. 

It’s refreshing to see new films like this come about with something to say and looking as great as it does. Yes, this film looks very different from most things that are currently out there, with it’s violet texture throughout, and otherworldly feel. Mortimer, who came from a music video background, wanted his second feature to have a distinct look to it, saying that the “violet hue throughout had a very futuristic and contemporary colour about it”. He wanted to create the feeling of a manic episode, and overwhelm the viewer with colours and density. 

And he totally does. It’s such a beautiful looking film, and one you’ll definitely go back to just to soak in the wonderful hypnotic visuals. Much like MANDY, from the year before, DANIEL is a cinematic treat for your eyeballs.

And there’s also some deeply messed up visuals that mix in with that beauty. The FX on a whole are amazingly bizarre. There are visuals that are so jaw-droppingly good that you’ll permanently have them etched in your brain. It’s the kind of film where you’re watching and you immediately want to rewind and see that scene again.

From faces being merged into each other in a pink tentacled mess of VIDEODROME-esque flesh, to other visages literally being mangled like putty! Pure body terror. People crawling into other people’s mouths– I could go on, but I don’t want to spoil it. It’s icky and wonderful all at once.

And I can’t go on about the FX without mentioning the nightmarish and hellish creature design by Martin Astles (who also worked on the brutal and classic nightmare fuel that is EVENT HORIZON). The creature FX are so fucking out there, each very distinct and very memorable. The kind of things that if you confronted them in real life you’d be quick to claw them out your own eyes. 

One beast looks like a hellish death beast with a fleshy castle for a head-- an absolute architectural artifice. Mortimer said they attempted to convey that a whole universe was in its face, and it existed outside space and time. Another Face looking like piercing bullets poking through the flesh and protruding from his cheeks, like a moment frozen in time. They’re all so freakishly creative and disturbing. I can’t even describe them right. I’m not sure I want to, but they’re seared into my mind. Body Horror and Cosmic Horror at their best.

In addition to the visuals, this film also brings it on the sound design and score front. It’s got an incredible score by Warp Records act Clark. It contains synthy goodness along with manipulations of actual orchestral pieces. And it was Clark’s first time working on a film score, something Mortimer preferred. 

He wanted someone that wasn’t used to working on horror films, or films in general, so they’d throw everything they had into it from the get go. Mortimer told Clark to make it sound like Bernard Herrmann got stuck in some horrible industrial accident. A relentless sonic assault that tries to capture that same feel that Clint Mansell did with REQUIEM FOR A DREAM. The results are a superb original work of music that completely enhances and already spectacular looking film.

I was a fan of Mortimer’s SOME KIND OF HATE when I caught it six years ago at FANTASIA FEST, but DANIEL is an entirely different beast and next level filmmaking. He’s easily grown as a filmmaker and I’m totally on board to see more. I can’t wait to see what he tackles next, because DANIEL was easily one of my top Fantasia picks for 2019.

DANIEL ISN’T REAL is one of those dark films that will most likely be seen as a cult classic in a few years, right up there with DONNIE DARKO and movies of a similar ilk. It’s full of so much imagination and gusto, all while tackling important issues and core themes. All that and it remains highly watchable and engaging. It’ll satisfy any horror junkie while also winning over fans of thought provoking art. Daniel isn’t real, but I’m glad it exists.

-Theo Radomski, Movies Rot Brains 

Seriously how fucking awesome are these posters?  Why can’t more horror films hire the people that made these posters? Why can’t film in general hire these people to make better promo art? 

This article was previously seen on Mobtreal.com

[eldritchsurveys]

663.

The Collector : What is in your Nine Inch Nails collection? What are you favourite items to own? >> I don’t have an NIN collection. I just took this survey because it seemed to have okay questions when I skimmed it. (Only these first four are questions about the band, lol.)

Deep : Favourite Nine Inch Nails Music Video? >> Closer, I guess. It’s the only one I remember aside from Only, which wasn’t all that interesting (song’s catchy, though).

The Frail : Favourite Nine Inch Nails Album? >> The Downward Spiral, I suppose. Never really thought about it. Year Zero was good too.

All The Love In The World : Favourite Nine Inch Nails Song? >> I don’t have one. There are a fair few that I like, of course, but I’ve never looked at one and thought “this one is my absolute favourite of all the NIN songs I know”.

Happiness In Slavery : Do you enjoy your job or school life? >> I don’t have either of those and I’m quite content that way.

Burning Bright (Field on Fire) - Do You Feel That During The Years As You Have Grown Up, You Feel Reborn? >> Death and rebirth is kind of just a theme with me, in general.

The Fragile : Do You Think You Can Fix A Broken  Person? >> I think a person that feels broken can eventually come to feel less so. I don’t think that it’s anyone else’s responsibility to guide them there. I do think that other people can be a vital source of support and encouragement during that process, if they choose to be.

Ringfinger - What Are Your Feelings On Marriage/Relationships? >> I think marriage and romantic relationships are, you know, great. I don’t necessarily want to partake in romance, myself, but I see their value for others. (And, obviously, I see the legal/social value for marriage, seeing as that’s mostly why I agreed to it in the first place.)

Terrible Lie - What Is The Biggest Lie You Were Ever Told? >> I have no idea. One time my father didn’t tell me our puppy had run away or gotten loose or whatever until I kept asking where he was. I thought that was dumb.

Help Me I Am In Hell - What Is Your Worst Nightmare? >> I have no idea.

Gave Up - What Is Your Go-To Thing To Calm You Down When You Are Pissed Off? >> Venting to Can Calah. It’s about the safest thing I can do, because I tend to behave irrationally and potentially make things worse when I’m upset.

A Warm Place - Your Favourite Place To Be? >> In my bed, tbh.

While I’m Still Here - How Would You Like To Be Remembered? >> I’ve never given it much thought. I figure it’s beyond my control anyway.

Copy of A - Do You Believe We Are In A Simulation? >> No, but I’m always willing to entertain the idea for thought experiments.

The Becoming - Can You Open Up To Other People Easily? >> Not. At. All.

Underneath It All - Are You Over Your Worst Experience? >> Of course not. Repetitive trauma has left indelible marks on my body and mind. The more I try to pretend otherwise, the worse things get, so I might as well acknowledge it.

Love Is Not Enough - Do You Believe In “Second Chances”? >> Sure. They just don’t have to come from me.

Sunspots - Are You Afraid of Growing Older? >> Nah. I am afraid of becoming infirm, or losing senses, that sort of thing. But not just of growing older in general.

Sin - What Is Your Ultimate Pleasure? >> I have no idea.

Something I Can Never Have - If You Could Say Anything To The One Who Got Away, What Would It Be? >> I don’t have anyone like that.

Dear World, : How Do You Sleep? >> Fitfully, a lot of the time. I was sleeping consistently well for a while but in the last few months it’s been a roller coaster.

I’m Looking Forward To Joining You, Finally : Have you ever lost someone who meant everything to you? >> Sure. Eventually, I figured out that no one can actually mean everything to me, and cut that maudlin shit out.

La Mer : Do you love the ocean or do you have a fear of it? >> I love it and I fear it.

March of the Pigs : Do you eat meat? >> Yeah.

Closer : Do you choose to follow a religion? >> I’m considering it, but it’s a constant source of debate in my head right now. Mostly because I have this idea of religion as a restrictive thing, something that would take away from my personal sense of freedom rather than complementing my search for meaning or whatever. It’s something I feel like I need to discuss with someone other than, you know, my own self, to get some perspective aside from my own, but I have no idea with whom.

Starfuckers Inc. - Celebrities You Think Are Attractive? >> Meh.

Shit Mirror - Are you afraid of where the world is currently heading? >> No. I understand why people are, of course. I just... personally can’t afford to expend any energy on fearing for the future. I have enough on my plate with the present.

I’m Afraid of Americans - Do you follow politics or do you choose to stay out of that stuff? >> I choose to keep my political consumption to a minimum. For one, it legitimately doesn’t interest me most of the time. But also, like... it’s all a shitshow. I don’t think my life is enriched by knowing every little thing going on in Washington, or obsessively watching Democratic debates to figure out who is “best”. I don’t fucking know. I can’t be bothered. I’m legitimately just going to vote for whoever ends up on the blue side of the ballot in November, and hope for the best.

In This Twilight - If the end was nigh, how would you choose to go out? >> I mean, I doubt I’d be able to choose.

Year Zero : Do you have plans for the apocalypse? >> No. I don’t believe in the apocalypse and I tend not to plan for things I don’t actually expect to happen.

The Downward Spiral : Do You Feel Like You Have you reached your lowest point and have you recovered since? >> I don’t know if I’ve reached my lowest point. I’ve reached very, very low points. I think that’s enough. I’d rather not try to see if I can get lower.

Hurt : If you could, would you re-start your life again? >> Please, god, no.

The Wretched : What Do You Hate In Life? >> I hate the lasting effect of trauma.

The Lovers : Do You Have Any Vices? >> Sure. Drinking, mostly.

Maybe Just Once : Do You Feel Like a Lucky Person When It Comes to Love? >> I don’t really know what that means. I’d dare say that I’m pretty unlucky in love in general, because I... have not ever had much of it.

Gunshots by Computer : What Are Your Thoughts On Modern Technology? >> I mean, I love it? It has its downsides like anything else, but I love it all the same.

That’s What I Get : Did You Ever Have an Emo Phase? >> Nah. I pretty much stuck with goth through everything.

Not So Pretty Now: Who Is Your Most Disliked “Celebrity”? >> ---

Every Day Is Exactly The Same : Do You Feel Like You Are Stuck In The Same Routine In Life? >> Well, right now, I kind of do keep to the same routine all the time. I don’t think that I’m necessarily stuck, I just... live like this. It’s fine, for the most part. I’ve had a lot of excitement in the past, it’s not necessarily how I want to live my life all the time.

Get Down, Make Love : Do You Have a Cover Song That Tops The Original? >> Yeah, there are quite a few covers that I prefer to the original. Dream Theater’s cover of Rainbow’s Stargazer is an example.

Screaming Slave : Do You Prefer Heavier Music or Softer Music? >> I like both.

Ahead of Ourselves : Do You Think Toxic People Can Change? >> I think anyone can change. Whether they will or not is the question, not whether they can.

Leaving Hope : Is There A Song That You Listen To That Just Emotionally Destroys You? >> Sure, I guess.

Somewhat Damaged : Have you ever been in a full on physical fight? >> Yeah.

Piggy : Have you ever been betrayed in some way by a person you cared about? >> Eh, maybe. That’s not really the verb I’d use, though.

Lights In The Sky : Thoughts On The Possiblity of an Afterlife? >> The possibility is always interesting to consider.

Big Man With A Gun - Are You For Capital Punishment? >> I really have no opinion.

Eraser : What Would Your Ideal Final Words Be? >> ---

Ghosts I-IV : Do You Have Any Supernatural Beliefs? >> Some would say. Those aren’t the words I would use, though.

You Know What You Are? - Thoughts On Fake People? >> I don’t know any fake people.

Home : Where On Earth Right Now Would You Like To Be? >> I’m fine right here. We just washed bed linens and it’s always nice to burrow into a clean bed.

I’m Not From This World : What song just gives you the creeps? >> I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way about a song.

And The Sky Began To Scream : Thoughts on How To Destroy Angels? >> I like a couple of songs. I haven’t really heard anything aside from that one EP, because I kind of keep forgetting to check out their other works.

Tapeworm : Do you have an embarassing illness/accident story you are willing to share? >> I don’t have any stories like that.

Fist fuck : Do you have any kinks/turn ons/turn offs? >> Yes.

Everything : Do you feel free? >> I guess. I never really thought about it, but generally, yes, I am free.

The New Flesh : Favourite horror film? >> I don’t know. I am very fond of the Hellraiser franchise in general, but not necessarily because of the quality of the films, if that makes sense... Oh, there’s also Event Horizon, that’s a horror movie and an overall favourite of mine.

[justagayguysworld-blog]

Not sure what you will think of this one, but my mind inhabits the most unusual of places.

It was the last beer and we'd shared it on the way to town for another twelve-pack. I barely knew Antonio. He'd only been there a couple of weeks, but it was the damnedest thing I'd ever seen. Nobody, and I do mean nobody, could talk to a horse the way he did. I thought it was a fluke the first time. Then he did it again and I knew it couldn't be natural.

We had a contract with the state for wild mustang management. It wasn't the easiest job in the world, but I liked the outdoors and it beat hell out of watching my old man slap his third or fourth wife around. Maybe Sheila was the fifth; I'd stopped counting or giving much of a shit by that point. For my purposes at nineteen, it was a godsend they'd hired me and paid my bus fare to Utah. We rounded them up, checked them for diseases, tagged them, sold off the limit, gave them their shots and then trucked them back to the desert.

I'd been at the ranch for maybe three months when he came up one night seemingly outta nowhere and sat next to me at the fire. I greeted him in what little Spanish I knew. "Save it, dude. I speak English." And that was that.

One of the stallions was raising bloody hell in the pen and stirring up the other horses. I stood up to see if I could go quiet him down. Antonio braced a hand on my knee and said as he was standing, "Can I borrow that? Thanks." He took the beer out of my hand, turned it up and walked over to the corral with it in his hand. Sitting the bottle on the post, he hopped the fence, picked the bottle up and walked straight over to the hellraiser.

Just walked inside like he owned the place. He was fixing to get trampled to death near as I could tell, when he grabbed that bad boy by his mane and said something. The horse shook its head side to side. Antonio jerked harder on a handful of hair, the horse quieted down and lowered its head. Then the crazy fuck turned up that bottle, and I swear to God, I saw a mustang down the rest of my beer.

Tossing the bottle over, he walked back to the fence and hopped it again like nothing had happened. Picking up the empty he came back to the campfire and said, "Sorry about that. Can I get you another?"

Stunned, I asked, "What the fuck was that about?"

"Horses can smell fear. And some of them like beer." He walked away leaving me gape-jawed and went to the bunkhouse for another round. When he came back with our longnecks, he twisted the lid off one with his forefinger and thumb. I'd never seen anyone do that either.

Bottle in hand, I asked, "Where you from?"

"Can't say exactly. I tend to move around a lot. Guess you could call me a restless spirit." Bending down, he placed the same hand on my knee again to sit like an old man trying to find his bearings and steady himself. I hadn't noticed it earlier, but the chill of his touch radiated through my jeans to my kneecap.

The hand was just as icy when he extended it. "Antonio. What's your name, cowboy?"

"Jason. Jason Sparks. But most people just call me Rufus or asshole. Seems I'm the low man on the totem pole around here."

He laughed and said, "Not anymore. I just blew into town. I'll be working the night shift."

"Night shift? I wasn't aware we had one."

"Yeah, I'm something of a specialist. These positions can be hard to fill. Not everybody can handle an alcoholic horse with bad dreams."

I literally fell off the log laughing. Struggling to get up, Antonio grabbed the collar of my jacket and pulled me back to an upright position. Without any real effort on my part, I found my ass firmly planted on the log again. If he was superman, I didn't see where he could be hiding the muscles. We were about the same size and weight from what I could tell. He chuckled and mumbled something about horses not being the only alcoholics in those parts.

"I'll drink to that. Let me get us one more beer and then I guess I'll turn in for the night. Where are you bunking?"

"Next to you if there's room still available at the inn. Larry said to grab any empty bed I could find. And yours kind of looked like a mess when I was stowing my gear. But at least it didn't smell like shit."

Stopping to take a piss I wondered how he knew which bed was mine, but in the quest for brewskis I'd forgotten the question by the time I returned. As if reading the mind I was in the process of losing, he stated very matter-of-factly, "You don't smell like a cowboy or a horse with a drinking problem."

Not knowing exactly how to or if I should reply, I thought a moment and said, "Generally speaking, I don't go around smelling cowboys or their sheets, and I damned sure ain't smelling a horse's breath to see if they've been drinking."

He must've sensed my unease. Clinking his bottle against mine, he offered, "Sorry, I have a really weird nose. It smells the strangest damned things. Guess that's why I'm good with the horses. I smell what they smell."

"Ain't nothing wrong with your nose, Antonio," I blurted out. "You have a real nice nose. Most of these ugly old bastards have had their's broken in so many bar fights, I don't really want to think about it, much less how they smell."

Bumping his shoulder against mine, he clinked his nearly empty bottle to mine and said, "Yeah, I'll take loving over fighting any time I can. Probably why I get along with the horses and avoid divorces.

We had minimal contact after that. Other than rolling over or the occasional fart, I didn't hear much out of him for the next two weeks. Except in my dreams if I'm going to be perfectly damned honest about this. And generally speaking, I didn't have much of a habit dreaming about other men, at least not in that way. But there he was, more than once, pretty damned specifically. If I'd been anyone else, it would've been hard to ignore. Only I'd learned to master any direct concern for my actual feelings, and dick management had never been an issue for me personally.

The crew I was working was out on range management. I'd barely been back to the place long enough to sleep, much less for fireside chitchat. Then Saturday night came, we were going to take a couple days off and there he was. Just like in my damned dreams. I have no reason to lie. It was disconcerting when I saw him sprawled out there next to the fire. Not a care in the world, acting as if he'd grown up right out of the ground on that very spot, he smiled.

Looking me directly in the eye as if he hadn't invaded my dreams, he said casually as a cousin, "Hey Jason Sparks, if you're going to the house, could you grab me another cold one?" It had been a particularly hard week, I was bone-ass tired and his nose still wasn't broken in six different places. Two beers later we were left alone with a raging fire and the feelings I was experiencing that matched that blaze. I really wanted to kick his ass. Antonio had seriously fucked with my head, and he didn't seem to know or at least care.

He got up for the third round. It wasn't my knee he touched that sent icy shivers up my spine this time. It was my thigh. About three inches below the part that separates the men from the boys. Close enough for discomfort, I met his glaze and that fire was dancing in his eyes. His nose still wasn't broken, but the quiet smirk on his face made me seriously think about rearranging it.

Fucker scratched my head as he walked away like I was some kind of damned puppy in love. Brought back another round and said, "These are the last ones, Jason Sparks. Let's polish them off and make a run into town. I'm still thirsty. If you'll drive, I'll buy."

That was the night and I guess the moment that changed or ended my life. Something deep inside me could hear it slowly rumbling. I'd seen it in those dreams. I simply didn't have the power to say no or the least of will to fight him. And we weren't struggling. I guess that was what's so odd about it. Everything in my body and soul knew it was happening, even if my conscious mind was slow in catching up. I wanted him. I'd be the worst kind of liar if I said I didn't. And I knew he knew it.

He took my hand and pulled me up off the ground. I could've just as easily staggered to my feet of my own accord. But he wanted that ice running through my veins clashing with my toasted toes inside those boots. And I felt it. Felt it thoroughly as we climbed in the truck and started the motor. Only once did he touch my body on the way to the store. It was completely casual and anything but innocent as the shivers raced up and down my spine.

He went in and came out. I felt very strange. Almost in an out-of-body floating feeling I drove away into the darkness of the rural night. I still remember. It was as vivid, quiet and unstoppable as a freight train bearing down on the family sedan stalled on the side of the tracks.

"Pull over." I could've kept driving, but the truth was that I'd pulled over two weeks before. "I said pull over, Jason Sparks." He didn't have to ask again. And the truth, as he very well knew, is that I'd been wanting to pull over my whole life. The cab of the truck was full of echoes and whispers as I floated above my body while it and he crawled into the back seat. Voices were everywhere, the engine was running and for the first time in my life I didn't give a damn.

I thought in some delirious way I was about to kiss a boy, but that wasn't it. That wasn't it at all. My feelings, those secreted desires weren't important. We weren't boys. I'd become a man without realizing or acknowledging it, and that brief period of my life was about to end abruptly.

It was brutal. How could I possibly forget when he folded down the lambswool collar of my jacket and sunk his teeth into my flesh? I could've fought him off, but I'd already struggled my whole life to be something different than what I was. Antonio was reconciling my conflicts, meeting my innermost longings and he'd bought the beer.

[replicarters]

hellraiser 3 funtime carnival, pt 2

PREVIOUSLY

so my dude @yvenly, unbeknownst to me, loves a hellraiser and has a fuckin shirt of the scary man that he was wearing while reading the first part. jake assures me that the scary man is not going to come and get me and nothing i own is haunted. i trust jake, so fortunately i am able to continue what i started to do the other night, which is watch a scary gory movie starring a space angel. i can confirm it is both gory and scaring me. let me remind you, me, and god that i am only 20 minutes into it, and it took exactly 6 minutes to get to the point where i was gently pissing myself. i shudder to think what the remaining hour and ten minutes hold.

i would very much enjoy if it held more of this:

and less deep crimson rivers, but i know i'm wishing for too much.

hot topic is making breakfast, terribly. this charred, molten husk, for instance, lying atop a burner, is either toast or a severed steak. i think it's toast. everything is burning and she should stop. now, just last night, hot topic was bumming smokes, recklessly flipping curtains open, sitting on the couch weird, and emptying the contents of her backpack all over the floor. but now all of a sudden it's "hey what's up let me make breakfast", so, great, now i'm invested in this blossoming love story. god, what if hot topic dies??? i don't think i could handle that. she and joey are friends now! hot topic's trying to make her food to repay her kindness! it's all fine with me as you might guess.

hot topic's name actually is... terry... or teri... or something. hmmmm. i like to imagine the mental force of will required to not constantly go "yeah?" at your own name not being used to address you. acting!

here's where it starts to cross over into the gay danger zone, when hot topic says it's her first time cooking. and the turn of phrase she uses is that she's a... kitchen... virgin...?

is that... so...?

joey offers to boil some water and says it's a specialty of hers and they laugh awkwardly like two heteros having a hetero time. joey also starts to make a suggestion to hot topic, and i thought to myself, "is she going to tell her to go watch cartoons?" and that's Exactly what she fucking did. i bet hot topic is a big fan of the snorks.

that cookbook appears to be campbell's microwave cookbook, which is wonderful on about 15 different levels. microwave cookbook being levels one through ten.

hot topic dances on the edge of the gay event horizon by sneaking a peek in joey's closet Come On Now is this for real

and joey is apparently not that great with toast either so i don't know how these girls are going to feed each other after they defeat the hellraiser and get married.

one LITTLE detail left out until the change in camera angle is that hot topic isn't wearing any pants. that seems like it was pretty important information for me to have, for the f/f hellraiser 3 fanfic i am now writing.

everything is all fine and dandy until the music starts going again and hot topic gets upset. she really loves it here. she wants the movie to flip into a lesbian romcom instead of being the mind-crushing hack-and-slash that it is. you guys what if she gets hacked and slashed?! oh god i don't want it

"uhhh a guy's head exploded in the first six minutes; we can't go back." yes, joey has to solve this mystery, which, i mean, she's braver than me; if i watched a guy get blasted all over the hospital walls after chains pulled his head apart i'd have a repressed memory that wouldn't resurface until years and years later, at which point i'd pass out in the grocery store as a grown adult with kids or something, and when i came to i'd remember the hell out of it and wouldn't stop screaming until my vocal chords snapped.

oh my good god

there's something important happening here but all i heard was "we're going shopping." forrrrrr strap-ons?

oh, they came to the hobo man's art gallery that's only open at night, and that i keep calling the pyramidhead gallery in my head. also check out those pants. yikesaroo! i can hear 1992's sears catalog calling from a landfill!

gracious me this whole ensemble! noooo.

"maybe they're closed." they're not closed, they just cannot let you in dressed like you belong in a parade on stilts. it will offend the art and we'll have more bad guys roaming around in the spooky shadows.

some man with a dog across the street says the pyramidhead gallery is closed every day, except for he apparently doesn't know it's open exclusively at 12:01 am. he says it's been there for months, closed. hot topic says that's bs; her boyfriend just bought something there last week. ew so the boyfriend that threw her out is imitation danny zuko. girl, run far away because that guy's busy communing with unholy messenger rats.

then for no reason at all, this poor pup gets dragged away by its neck, growling because dogs know stuff. does the dog also know its owner is an irresponsible sack of shit who needs to learn what a proper harness is? sheesh.

"chill," hot topic says. "there's a back door, right?" and then she pulls a lock pick out of her tits. like, not on a chain or anything, so i guess it was just resting freely in her cleavage. another important detail for my fanfiction.

there are more ugly paintings inside but joey gets right down to business and finds a file drawer that's pretty much exactly like every file drawer we have at work. just full of accordion folders with papers shoved in them.

"ughhh," joey says, "this is gonna take Forever." i literally... had that moment with my boss at work yesterday trying to find some paperwork. but it's not gonna take forever, not with the music going, it's not...!

the most illuminating revelation is that the gallery is a total scam; everything they have comes from bankruptcy sales, high school art classes, insane asylums... wait, what? uh oh.

uhhhhh ohhhhhhh.

thankfully we leave immediately and head straight back to the loser room. yeahhhh fistbump brah! fistbumps existed in 1992! imagine that. we can truly trace all tradition back to our ancestors.

danny zuko spies a hot blonde and motions to his mark sheppard-looking bartender that he wants to hit that, so the bartender pulls a rose out from the... ice bin...? "here babe take a cold-ass rose" "oh baby the frozen petals are burning me up" - is that what's supposed to happen?

so danny zuko comes over, the girl's like, "oh, it's you~" and he tells her she's beautiful she says "oh no there's lots of girls here more beautiful than me" and he pretends like he cares about how she feels blah blah blah

and then we come to sex noises so the arctic rose worked pretty well. i think i'll spare you a screenshot of the actual sex; i'd rather take a picture of a head split in half. my favorite part though is that he constantly has his hands on her tits so you don't see any nip. so we can watch the other graphic shit we've seen and yet we're not allowed to look at a boob? the fuck?

oh ps the statue is in the background, watching them.

and at the exact moment danny zuko comes (ugh) the statue's eyes open. ohhhhhhhhhhhohohoho fcukinggfkhgkldhgl

then the eyes close again.

hot topic and joey are back at her apartment. joey's broken out of a pair of scully specs so i guess things have gotten serious in here.

hot topic prepares to walk out the door and joey is like HOLD ON???? WHY LEAVE??

she's trying to get some tape and succeeds and this is extremely untoward and i am offended!!!

hot topic guesses joey got what she needed, and prepares to show herself out. joey's face immediately falls and she's like no????? and she invites hot topic to stay in her spare room.

hot topic gets very emotional and says that's great, and offers to do breakfast! oh boy!!

even at the thought of inedible trash breakfast, joey is thrilled. this is Fucking Gay

"so cool... Radical!"

the girl danny just boned stands in front of this painting which, to be honest with you? kind of looks like dukat? maybe dukat if he roided up before the reckoning.

danny's already done with this and has important things to do like getting a scuff off his ugly red cowboy boots. it all goes south pretty fast.

"but you gave me a rose."

"and tomorrow, i'll give one to somebody else." ooooooh

"you shit," the girl says, speaking the truth.

there's yelling, the girl backs up toward the statue, i'm biting my nails because something's clearly gonna happen

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY OHHHHHH NOOOOOOO

chains, chains, it's always chains, hooked chains come out of the statue and sink into her. danny zuko, for as vile as he is, didn't plan this at all as even he's like "what the ffffuuuuuuccckkkk"

hello!! furby's awake!

the statue gets one more hook right into her forehead and then? and THEN, the all-time grossest fucking thing happens, and i swear to god i'm not making this up but also you're kidding if you think i'll actually screenshot it: the hook pulls THE ENTIRETY OF THE GIRL'S SKIN OFF HER BODY IN ONE SHOT, and THEN, STILL ALIVE and screaming bloody fucking murder, the girl, looking like a page out of any muscular system biology book, is DIGESTED BY THE STATUE.

and then once properly absorbed, her face appears SO ALL THE FACES ON THIS STATUE ARE PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN SKINNED AND EATEN HKFLGRHLGKLSKB I'M SCREECHING

i guess a nutritious meal was just the thing to get ol stoneface back to normal. HE'S HERE, THIS IS HIM, THIS IS THE GUY!! jake says his name is pinhead? just going to call him pincushion, hope that's okay. honestly it's more like nailcushion, those look like a bunch of nails sticking out of him. why does he love metal so much!!!

and all danny zuko has to say is "jesus christ!" like he couldn't even pretend to barf.

and pinhead FUCKING RESPONDS: "not quite." buddy, i'll say.

he starts getting poetic and i never expected him to have an accent. who do you think you are, shakespeare? i've never heard of shakespeare writing a scene where taming of the shrew ends with a flesh barbecue.

pinhead does one fun thing which is compare himself to danny zuko, which in my mind is exactly right but danny zuko cries and whines and says "no that's fuckin evil man!!!" yeah, just. like. you!

according to pinhead, there's no good, there's no evil, only flesh. is this what he does, just eats people? i didn't expect this either.

"you will help me," he says.

no Fuckin way danny zuko says, bringing out a gun like this is going to do anything other than increase pinhead's desire for flesh cakes.

oh my god and then pinhead laughs and says "how touching, that is the gun you used to kill your parents?" LMAO WHAT????

zuko unloads the gun and pinhead spits every bullet out of his mouth. just lets em drop right out onto the floor. danny zuko then drops his gun.

looks like you're in this for the long haul, pal!

he drops to the floor and starts sobbing. puny man sobbing in his boxers dot jpg.

there is a place, pinhead says, at his right hand for this manchild. yucky.

aaaand true to form, danny zuko takes a minute to think it over and then signs right up. this is so insulting to danny zuko; maybe i ought to start calling him his real name which is JP, which also is not really a name.

meanwhile, joey is full on channeling murphy brown and lookin cute. her friendly grandpa cameraman runs up to give her a package. something for her story? mmm something for something. grandpa cameraman, ever a decent person (oh god what if HE dies?) says if there's any way he can help, just give him a call. i think the first thing he can do to help is contact a priest specializing in exorcisms, get to that statue, and end this before it starts hopping railroad tracks.

scully specs are back on, tape is in the vcr, quest to quit smoking is shot, and we are go.

the tape is of a girl in a room at what looks like that asylum that was referenced before, and she's talking about The Box.

"demons," she says. "demons live in the box." well girl, we are way past that, the demons are out of the box, in statues, in hospitals, that box barely has anything to do with anything anymore.

"it's a gateway to hell." yeaarrrrgghhhhh somebody close it, then!

this is a really nice shot, i just wanted to stop everything and have you look at it. hands!

uhhh thennn the tv switches to an image of a dude

and that dude

starts talking

to joey

NOOOOOOOOPE

"she's telling the truth, joey," this guy that sounds Suspiciously like pinhead says.

joey tries to rewind the tape to see what the hell that was, but there's nothing out of the ordinary there... nnnnggghhhhgdhflk

anyway, demons live in the box. it "opens itself", they come out, that's the sitch. fuck all this.

s-s-s-speaking of the b-b-b-box, here it is at joey's apartment, where hot topic is currently all alone. god if anything happens to her i will be devastated beyond belief. pleeeease don't eat her please don't eat her.

hot topic stares at the box the same way i stare at the box: with off-the-charts trepidation. but she notices what i also noticed, that it looks a little different, like now it has color.

"man, joey must've polished you up some, huh?" oh no please don't

i'm pretty much. gonna shit. please put it down please please please joey will be so sad if you are dead and i can't take it!

oh god and then the phone rings and she puts it down thank jesus

absoLutely not the phone call i wanted her to get.

jp wants hot topic to come over. no no, no, no no no, no, and no!

pleeeeeease just wait for joey to get home she'll protect you and you can both be safe! if you go over to jp you're literally going to be devoured by a hell beast aaaaahhhhhhhh

well thank the lord she says she just can't and slams down the phone. score one for pure love! can you win against the delicate softness of girls being nice to each other, pinhead, can you?!

uh wait, then hot topic triggers joey's messages and it sounds like cameraman telling her she got a job that she wanted across the country. ??? what happened to pure love?!

joey comes home and the place is just a sty. it's dark and hot topic's not there.

and she finds this note that says, "enjoy monterey, you liar".

welp, love is dead and the demons are coming! might as well start breaking ourselves down into bite-sized chunks!

that's all for this evening. we’ll have another fun jaunt tomorrow! now, what do you think is the best technique for cutting off your own arm? just grab a hacksaw and go to town?

[replicarters]

hellraiser 3 funtime carnival, final

part 1 || part 2

happy easter! let's welcome it with BLOOD

the good thing about last time is that it was very gay. the bad thing about last time is that we've established the villain can and will tear the entirety of people's skin from their bodies, and then consume them as dinner. but this movie is a gay love story now, and god willing, there will be no dead lesbians by the end of it. there will be a lot of other dead people, sure. but hopefully no dead lesbians.

okay joey's girlfriend is officially in the hands of pj or jp or whatever the fuck this total douche's name was.

and he is very, very eager to get her eaten by his new carniverous friend

but before that, we have to jump back to dream vietnam, just the place everybody wants to be.

except now there's someone else here with an Accent and he's all "joeyyyyy wassup girl". oh my gosh who could it be!

tons of soldiers blow up and die and joey wakes up screaming

now let me tell you a movie that scares the bajeezus out of me: it's poltergeist. i don't think this movie will become that so i'll just take this shot at face value.

okay except for that it's like... making scary noises. you remember the episode of x-files where scully heard voices in the tv and unscrewed all her light bulbs? it's those noises, but much more loud and scratchy and unnerving.

motherfucker, get out of there! i'm going to set this television on fire.

he says YOU HAVE TO HELP ME and then goes away again. help you with what? consuming kid cuisines where the chicken nuggets are made out of human thigh meat?

jp is in here DRIVING A WEDGE BETWEEN GAY LOVE talking smack about joey while terri cries. god i hope jp gets eaten at the end i hope it so bad.

oh but wait! terri suddenly exclaims "SHE WOULDN'T" while she sobs, and blames herself for things that haven't even happened. honey :( joey hasn't gone anywhere and she's going to come and save you THIS I BELIEVE.

"come hug me baby, but do it over here next to the statue."

"mmmm come hug me over here"

"no baby hugs are way better next to grotesque works of art~"

oh no and then he says "come to daddy" shlfkhld NO

oh no oh no terri gets up!! no!! i bite my nails that i painstakingly regrew this past week.

AHHH HE'S AWAKE AND HE HUNGERS. at the very last second terri decides she doesn't want to do a hug, but jp grabs her by her very sparkly shirt and pinhead opens wide for another nutritious meal.

then terri breaks out brass fucking knuckles oh hell yeah girl, and she socks jp right in his smug, awful, ugly face

terri runs to the door but pinhead yells WWWAAAAIIITTTT. "why run away~?" he says. you can come live in my stone stomach with all the other people i've eaten. it's cool. it's progressive. it's modern art.

lmao oh my god, then pinhead, ever the hungry man, offers terri the chance to off jp in exchange for ~dreams~.

i mean, she's considering it, and i would too if all i had to do to unlock a world of dreams was toss some loser into a living pincushion's gaping maw.

well, he's a little heavy. where are those convenient chains right about now?

oh, there they are. holy shit, though, terri really went for it.

bye byeeeeeee! i didn't even have to wait until the end of the movie for jp's demise! this is AWESOME.

jp doesn't get eaten so much as he gets, like, giant nails driven through his head or something, and then pinhead yells a lot and the statue gets all crusty with bloooood.

oh and then it... pees? i don't know what's going on, some goop comes out of nowhere and dribbles all over.

ooh, that's... euugh...

gross flesh bombs just... explode from it. just gunk dropping off of it all over the place, smoking piles of gunk. it's icky.

oh that's... that's not good...

"terri. we are going to open the local spirit halloween store together... 6 months early!!!"

poor joey isn't getting any sleep, there's old-timey music coming from somewhere and all the lights are doing weird glows. also this apartment is fucking sweet as hell, how does she live here.

she opens a glowing closet, which, she has balls of steel to be doing that. but i guess if all your shit is glowing in your house at 3 am and you have 40s on 4 playing out of nowhere, you'd probably want to see what was up.

there really was a literal radio just sitting in the closet. so she takes it out and puts it on a table.

she turns some dials on it and then mr. video starts telling her to do stuff, noooooope buddy i need to know your motivations my dude, i need to know what you're all about.

maybe don't follow directions from mr. video/radio/dreamland. he tells her to go to the window which i guess is fine enough? but what's she gonna see out there... nnnn....

okay, this guy's just out here chilling. who are you now???

it's no problem for joey "balls of steel" summerskill, who is going for it. all in, baby! literally all in, her whole body in, to... the... window.

she ends up on the other side of this darksided cs lewis wardrobe intact.

look at this princess serenity dress she wears to bed every night, love it.

"who the fuck are you and why won't you let me sleep"

"hold up... gotta stare at the cube." this guy has the same hairline recession as michael eddington.

"i just walked into madness for you!" that's really what she says and i'm tickled by it. girl knows what fuck is up. it's all insane. least this guy can do is pay attention!

uh oh what's this now, what's this indiana jonesing over here.

joey goes for it, because she's a very brave girl, and now it's vietnam time again.

"joey, how kind of you to come." literally her alternative was watching you stare at the cube. you better start explaining some shit!

well he doesn't start explaining anything, just slinks away behind the ridge. joey follows him, looking at all the nasty soldier corpses.

"you have to help me; i don't understand." ME! i don't get any of this. dump some info on me, mr. video!

"you have to help me," mr. video says. buddy, you better be, like, the misplaced sealant on pinhead, otherwise i'm out.

he takes off his hat and he says his name Was elliot spencer.

AND THEN JOEY INTRODUCES HERSELF AND SHAKES HIS HAND i'm laughing. TOO PURE. "hi dead man who won't leave me alone nice to meet you."

he says she's brave, which is true! and says "you've probably never shaken hands with a ghost before." i mean PROBABLY NOT.

well she says "ummm captain spencer, what the hell is going on???"

"hell is exactly what is going on." ahhhhh. because it's been raised! we hell now.

they set off for a walk, a nice stroll through what spencer the ghost says is the limbo between heaven and hell. he says he can't do squat in the real world, but joey can.

"there is a monster out there, joey, and it's me." eeeeep.

anyway so he's pinhead because war is hell, and he originally opened the box and got mad chainz, yo. stopping him will require "great courage".

joey doesn't know if she has that, but spencer is like, "girl, you just walked through a goddamn solid window to talk to me, you're fine."

the cube is the gateway to hell and pinhead wants it, and spencer says joey has to let him come for it. aw helllllllllll no! eff that, why can't she just drop the cube in a volcano or something?

"but what if he takes the box from me before i can-"

"he can't take it, it must be given to him." oh dear so he's going to try to persuade her to give him the box. PERSUADE HER LIKE HE PERSUADED TERRI TO LET HIM EAT JP? just great. i have large worries.

let's have a little party pitstop.

my favorite baby is here, and it sTARTS MOVING AHHHHHHHHHHH HELL N O

OH GOD EVERYTHING IS MOVING

and then there's an explosion

and H E  C O M E S

everybody goes screaming and running and chains start flying. a guy gets his hand cut and his palm spurts blood LIKE A FOUNTAIN just like i've been expecting this whole time. another guy gets a stick of wood through him.

this girl's drink comes to life and also she's still sitting at a table while the entire place is in a full-on panic.

the bubble becomes a pinhead head, which then becomes a huge dagger of ice that impales the girl in the mouth. i don't know, i'm laughing at that one. let this be a lesson to us all: if, while in a club, madness begins all around you, just run. leave your $12 drink. it's not worth it.

the sleazy bartender gets barb wired. a girl gets her face torn. pinhead cackles in the background.

here's my thing: how is joey going to fight all this shit? SHE'S JUST ONE PERSON and pinhead can do all this?! man... i have concerns...!

more killing! you know what's going to happen to the dj, don't you?

weeeeeeee! maiming!

pinhead starts locking doors. people start getting chains to their faces. and their necks. and through them, while other people get them through their faces behind them. just all-around a delight for everyone.

there's one last door that's not shut, but do you really think it's going to stay open?

NOPE! you're in pinhead's funhouse now!

and as the whipping of the chains grows louder, and the screaming dies down, blood flows out under the door.

literally. how is joey going to win this thing.

no sleep for joey as she wakes up, again, to news reports of a "catastrophe" at the boiler room. that sure is one way to put it. joey, poor sweet innocent brave joey, gets her ass dressed and calls grandpa cameraman.

oh boy. it's time. it's time for joey to bring the pain to a very bad man, armed with nothing but that box against his MYRIAD OF SPOOKY POWERS. I HAVE EXTREME CONCERNS! that's all i'm saying!

mmmmmm and the tv was unplugged the whole time. CONCERNS RATCHETING UP A FEW MORE LEVELS.

it's raining, it's pouring, that door up there's fuckin opening on its own. grandpa's car was outside but grandpa was not in the car oh god he is almost certainly mutilated by now.

and we got some folks HANGING AROUND............................

yeah there's bodies everywhere and joey's scared out of her mind. PROTECT THIS POOR BABY.

joey holds onto the cube for dear life, because SOME GHOST thought it was a GOOD IDEA to send a 27 year old mortal human in to fight a needle-faced hell man with NOTHING MORE THAN A BOX.

it's gross, she's crying, there are just... so many bodies. she's looking around trying to find grandpa, growing increasingly more distraught as she sees, you know, severed heads and stuff. lmao and there's one guy with about 15 billiard balls stuffed into his dead maw, which i found pretty comical.

welp joey, who is absolutely going to have nightmares for the rest of her living days, just screams out for grandpa, but i think she and i both know he's not going to answer. oh, grandpa, what horrible thing has happened to you?

joey goes farther in and some lights come on

another doorway beckons

and inside, it's like a banquet hall of... terribleness. i don't have any words left to describe all this, my goodness. and joey's still crying. i don't blame her. she came all the way the fuck in here instead of getting on the first plane to the other side of the world like i definitely would have, she deserves to let some tears out.

oh, and grandpa?

is very dead, with his head replaced by a camera.

ohhhhh everything is beyond misery

pinhead appears, waxing poetic, blah blah death and stuff. suffering. humanity's darkness, whatever.

TAKE HIM DOWN, GIRL. SEAL HIM UP.

"mmmm gimme my box kiddo"

naw she's not here for that, so pinhead starts yelling "DON'T DEBATE WITH ME, GIRL. JUST COME HERE AND DIE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE OPTION OF DOING IT QUICKLY."

"you're gonna have to come and get me, you ugly fuck." OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

IT BEGINS

now with the knowledge that pinhead really can't touch that box unless he's given the box, joey takes off and almost gets run over by a cab outside.

cab hits a pole instead but listen, bud, your sacrifice is duly noted. hell's getting stopped tonight, bro! if you live, you'll get to see it!

then the pole falls over, knocks out all sorts of shit, and the cab lights on fire.

uh oh pinhead's doing pinhead stuff. WILL THE CUBE PROTECT AGAINST ELECTROCUTION?

oh my good god then pinhead sets off a fire hydrant and once the water is everywhere, where do you think he puts these nice cables?  C O N C E R N S

pinhead's impromptu death river comes barrelling down the street, but joey gets up on the sidewalk and the water sluices harmlessly by. phew.

except for now chains are coming out of the sewer. nnnnggggaaaahhhhh!! they do get her a little bit! me scream!

more stuff blows up! i'm very tense! joey keeps running. the sewer's blowing up, every electric thing is blowing up, THE MANHOLE LID comes spinning at joey's face but she dodges it. everywhere, EVERY LITERAL PLACE SHE GOES, stuff blows up and is on fire.

"what the fuuuuuuck where's the part where i get to go home and live a peaceful life"

"a peaceful life where all my friends are dead, and this place is fucked." hey... hey where's terri...? did... did she died...?

eeeep you're on pinhead camera! KEEP RUNNING

OH NO it's grandpa, and he's a weird camera borg now :(

oh joey honey i love you sweet girl please hang in there

"HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT HE DID TO ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH," not grandpa anymore roars. "HAVE YOU SEEN?"

then all the tvs blow up

then some guy???? who is just walking around out here????? joey runs into him and screams at him to run, but he's all, "hey baby where you going? everything's cool." oh YEAH, EVERYTHING'S REAL COOL.

so that guy dies when borg grandpa spears his eye camera through his head.

here comes pinhead, slinking out of the shadows.

just in case you forgot, this is the general state of things. not great. could be better.

oh there's more dead borg corpses walking around, too. that's a different one over there; it's cd head from the club.

L E T ' S   J A M   T O    T   S W I F T

when is enough enough, pinhead?!

it's never enough. guess what walks out of that explosion, it's another borg corpse.

whoaaaa and this one spits fire. SURELY PINHEAD HAS PROVEN HIS POINT BY NOW.

then the cops roll in, and joey again implores them to just fucking run. they don't.

one of the cops gets gasoline on him, and if you might recall (joey does), one of the dead borgs breathes fire.

joey wisely does not stick around for this, leaving the cops to their piping hot demise.

what now? now joey ducks into a church and just collapses. same.

you better be a priest, sir.

"father there's an awful lot of sinning going on outside, my only friend is a killer zombie, and new york is in general aflame."

this idiot priest tries to tell joey demons aren't real. haha! dude! you've missed several updates.

several. updates.

there he is, the man himself.

and then, oh my god, lol:

"then what the fuck is That." shdfklshlkfhs

leeeet's go if you don't want to die!

hey if you thought stuff was done exploding, you were wrong.

come on, that is ripe for becoming a deadly projectile.

or a melty mush. ooh, but a molten one. eugh, it couldn't just melt to melt, huh? had to be a scorching melt.

rarrrrgh i hate sunday school!

then listen, pinhead stands at the altar, ready to perform his own sacraments, which involve pulling a slug out of his head? and then putting the slug into his other hand (he's losing me here), then all the candles in the church start blowing up, then he pulls out another slug, puts that slug into the first hand, and then a wall starts cracking...

look, if i understood it, i'd let you know.

the rite of slug is now complete. whatever windows remained are, you guessed it, blown to kingdom come. then the altar crumbles, and for some reason, the priest thinks he's going to be a hero. no. wrong. pinhead pulls out slug number three, i think, i couldn't really tell. i think that's the only thing i could have been was another slug.

joey's over here rubiks cubing. there's not a great deal of time left in the movie, so, everybody cross your fingers some evil about to get sealed.

oh ew i think what pinhead pulled out was a flesh glob, and then he stuck it in the priests mouth, huge ick.

but joey gets the cube to go blue.

WHAT'S -UP- MOTHERFUCKER

joey taunts pinhead with the cube and bolts again. she makes it to the best place to be in the middle of a hell siege, which is a construction site. yes.

she immediately hears shit creaking around, because this will never be easy.

ohhhh good, it's more happy friends.

oh no no no and one of them... one of them...

IS TERRI!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO MY BEAUTIFUL LESBIAN LOVE STORY ;________; also note terri's direct line of smokes now.

"i can dream now, joey..." auuuuugh this wasn't the dream i wanted!

"terri..." her voice is so tiny and weak and defeated. i hate this, i hate this, HER ONLY OTHER FRIEND IN THIS WHOLE WORLD AND SHE'S A ZOMB.

well she tries to mess with the cube some more but borg jp and borg terri circle around her, beating her up. :(

and guess who arrives atop the hill, and threatens joey with "dark decades" of pain. oh golly.

more zombos come in.

"ahhh, more friends, come to play with you, joey."

"PLAY WITH THIS, PINHEAD"

joey gets the cube to go blue but this time...

it starts opening up!!

it starts autobotting and the zombos are looking at pinhead like, uh, dad? what do we do/???

then the cube starts shooting out blue stuff and ghostbustering all the zombos into it. they all scream and cry about it but there's nothing to be done, battle over, cube wins, that's it. pinhead tries to resist but he goes in, too... i... i think... we don't actually... see him...... go in.............

is that it? can joey go home now? this poor girl has been through An Ordeal.

joey tries to ask good ol ghosty if that's it. hello? is he there? don't flake out on us now, pal.

oh, what... is this now. wasn't that just dirt on the ground two seconds ago?

oh okay we're... here now, i guess.

look everybody, it's joey's dead dad.

so joey saved the world and gets to hug her dad, that's a pretty good reward. it's not going to bring back the scores of dead people, but this is okay.

wait

WAIT

WAAAAITT OH GOD WHAT THE HELL

"joey, they said you'd have something for me. something you won't need anymore." OH MY GOD STOP I'M HOLLERIN

"this? oh here, take it!" HONEY NO. JOEY NO. OH MY GOD

oh my god my entire soul is fleeing my physical form

I'M GONNA FRIGGIN FALL OVER AND DIE

well what the shit happens now

"save your tears. i'll reap your soul slowly."

then i legit don't know what the hell happens next, joey thinks about the window, and then all of a sudden...

...we're there? past the window?

"couldn't resist playing games, could you?" ah our old chap there he finally is

"you had to come through the window of her mind" okay say whatttttt. the window was in joey's mind all along? well that's kind of stupid if you ask me.

uh oh oh no oh dear it's time for chains. this is not the kind of kinky shit i am after let's not go down this road. cries and watches this through my hands.

oh no oh geez. pinhead stop i can't... do this... do not talk about pleasures right now... while this is... oh lord this is too weird

what... in the seven hells... is that. pinhead and ghostie take their sweet time watching each other while this THING rises up toward joey.

no. no fuckin way. i'm done. there's like three minutes left and i'm ready to leave.

bro. you're way too calm about this.

"you're right," he says to pinhead. "we do belong together."

and he reaches out and gets pinhead to drop the box. all right noW DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT BACKGROUND HELLSPAWN

okay hellspawn and all the chains and weird things disappear, and then ghostie and pinhead fight, i guess.

me irl: "uhhhhh ok"

ah now they're a... tangled flesh monstrosity.

sure seems like... pinhead absorbed ol ghostie, though. that's not... great.

oh but... maybe it didn't go so hot for pinhead after all?

ghostie's head pops up and says "JOEY. SEND ME TO HELL." oh god please do. right now.

joey/cube otp

she messes with it a bunch while pinhead stalks closer, yipes!

now it's swiss army knifing. that's not what we need right now we need the other thing! the blue!

all right just kidding she gets it to be a dagger and stabs him good.

yeeeeowch! my pancreas!

yeah see ya. finally, once and for all, i think he's outta here.

ah, and there's the cube

NOW can joey finally go home? live in peace? all that good stuff? please leave her alone for the rest of time.

man stick that thing in some cement where it belongs, then throw it in the bottom of the atlantic.

look, cement! really get it in there deep. it doesn't really seem that deep. there were like nine more hellraisers after this so i'm thinking the cube makes its way out of the cement.

oh my sweet girl, go home and never think about any of this again. get some rest. get a therapist. stay far away from any and all ugly statues the rest of your life. you got a transport to space to catch; you don't got time to be running around down here!

joey goes home.

but there's one last thing.

that building they built on that construction site has some familiar designage.

THE END!!!!!! no seriously that's it. pinhead is the whole building?!!?!?!? NUKE IT.

ughhhhhh rubs my hands over my face so much for not having nightmares. thought i'd be free when i finally finished, but i think i am more unsettled than ever. really good! exactly what i wanted! man, what the fuck happens to joey now? she goes home and has ptsd for the rest of her life? somebody write me that fanfic. just kidding, don't, i don't want to think about it. only a happy life for joey now. no more hell raising for her. hope she moves to monterey and forgets all her troubles. maybe gets a nice girlfriend, settles down, never has a nightmare again.

oof. i gotta... do a juice cleanse or something. 2 spook. and jake is exactly right, i should never ever watch the rest of these movies, not ever in my life.

hey jake? you there, bud?

hold me ;_;