#but it sure wont stop me from crying myself to sleep

[orange-cheetah]

i do not want to be here for kuroshitsuji 209 i do not want to be here

[gay-dorito-dust]

Hi hi! Can I request an angsty/fluff piece with Jason? Maybe he hasn't told her that he's Red Hood yet, and they want to tell him that she loves him for the first time, but with his constant disappearances at night they're thinking that he's starting to get tired of them?

This went a little too long when I decided to stop, so I might need to split this into two parts if needs be 🦦

‘Hey honey,’ you greeted Jason with a peck to the cheek, pulling away smiling brightly. ‘Are you all ready for movie night tonight? I’ve already got a couple films set up and ready to go and I promise none of them will make you cry like last time.’

Jason grimaced. Shit, he knew that something was happening tonight but couldn’t remember what and -like a dumbass- had agreed to going out on a patrol with Dick and Damian later on. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry chipmunk I can’t do movie night tonight. Can we do it next week?’ Jason hated how he was the one who made the smile upon your face disappear as quickly as it came, he hated how he was the reason why the excitement left your eyes, only to be replaced by a look of poorly concealed disappointment.

Jason hated how it seemed as of late that his commitment to being a vigilante had been the leading cause of your unhappiness. While he was out clearing Gotham almost every night, you were left in your shared apartment, left to sleep alone in a bed that was designed for two people and ponder how things could’ve gotten to this stage; wondering whether this was a relationship worth being in after all.

You sighed, trying to be understanding but how could you when this was the third time Jason had bailed on you this week. It didn’t seem fair to keep trying at this point when it seems as though you’re the only one who is actively trying to make time for each other. You had planned to tell Jason you loved him tonight but all that was thrown into the bin, all because he apparently forgot all about it. ‘It’s fine Jason, I’m sure whatever you have going on is inherently more important.’ You said, feeling more hurt than anything as you clenched your jaw to stop yourself from saying something you’ll inevitably regret.

‘I’ll make it up to you-‘

‘Would you like to know how many times you claimed that you’ll make it up to me but never have?’ You asked Jason rhetorically and watched his face further become into one of guilt. ‘Three. Times.’ You told him, holding up three fingers. ‘Once is excusable, but three times Jason. I thought you were over making false promises, much like how I’d trick myself into thinking that you would actually like to spend time with me in our own apartment, but it seems like I was wrong as per usual.’ You scoffed.

Jason tried to reach out for your hand to console you, but you immediately took it away before he could and put a good deal of distance between the two of you to show that you were in need of comfort but not from him. ‘Y/n, I’m sorry-‘

‘Don’t bother. Just make sure to have your keys on you before you leave because I wont stay up for you anymore.’ Was all you said before leaving the room to go into your room, where you’d stay until he left for the night doing god knows what. His disappearing act didn’t bother you at first but when it become more frequent and grew more obstructive when you wanted to spend the night with him, a pit in your stomach grew and it had been growing ever since followed by thoughts that doubted Jason’s loyalty to you.

Were you boring him but he didn’t have the heart to tell you? Is that why he’s been disappearing almost every night or so? Just so he could meet up with someone else behind your back and shit talk you? If that was the case then he could stay out for all you cared, you’ve given him your heart but it didn’t seem as though he couldn’t bring himself to even fake in giving a shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile Jason felt like the biggest dickhead ever. He could tell that you were reaching the end of your rope with him and he wasn’t so sure that he could go back to living by himself if you were to ever leave him, he could try but it wouldn’t be the same when you were the reason his apartment felt like an apartment at all. And yet he has no one else to blame for this but himself.

He was the reason you could’ve have a simple date night at home.

He was the reason for your frequent disappointment.

He was the reason you no longer felt loved by him but that just wasn’t true. Jason loved you so much it physically hurt and scared the poor man of what he was willing to do for you. Jason’s love for you burned him in the most delicious way imaginable, he was left wanting for more, hooked on your love as though it was an easily addictive drug sweeping the streets of Gotham. However even Jason couldn’t ignore the wedge between him and you, a wedge that only seemed to get worse the more Jason bailed on you for his vigilante business.

As he was sulking in the fact that this might be the end of your relationship, Jason got a text from Dick asking where he was and all Jason could think of whilst grabbing his keys and leaving the apartment, was how he was going to make up for every night that you felt as though you were abandoned by him; and if anyone who knew Jason best knew he was anything but a quitter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Movie night was depressing as shit when you were having it all by yourself as a way to cope with the fact that you might not be enough to keep Jason interested.

You were bundled up in bed, hugging your childhood plushie tightly against your chest as you watched a movie adaptation to one of Jason’s most favoured book out of Jane Austen‘s body of work. Hell most of the movies you’ve picked out were based on Jason’s favourite author but you weren’t enjoying it as you would if he was beside you, muttering the lines alongside the characters under his breath as he held you against his chest as though you were something precious; even going so far at to using the excuse that when a kissing scene happens you should be kissing too for a more immersive experience.

He was such a dork but he was your dork and now it feels as though he didn’t want to be called yours anymore.

You didn’t know what it was that you did for him to get bored of you but it hurt like a motherfucker and the more you thought about it the more your eyes began to well up with unshed tears. ‘What am I doing wrong snuffles?’ You brought your plushie to face you with its beady button eyes. ‘Am I really that much of a bore that he can’t bring himself to just end it? What does he get out of dragging me along? Is this some sick joke to him?’ You asked and you asked but got no response, then again that’s what you get when trying to seek answers from a weighted plushie.

‘Who am I kidding.’ You uttered defeatedly as you put down your plushie, switched off the tv after seeing that there was no point in having it on in the first place, and stared up at the ceiling as you tried to will sleep to hurry up and claim you. ‘Did you know that I was planning on telling him that I loved him?’ You asked aloud for no one in particular, smiling weakly as you wiped your eyes. ‘How stupid was it of me to think that we’d ever last. He’s obviously found someone else who doesn’t bore him as easily as I do…so why should I stay?’ You felt yourself wanting to cry again but you were too tired to give your body what it wants and tried to ignore the lump in your throat by forcing your eyes shut.

*knock, knock, knock*

[ddejavvu]

i would run to you and my heart won't change please !! for spencer

"who did this to you?" but youre enemies !!!!

come celebrate 5.7k with me!

combined with: congrats for 5.7k! it's so well deserved. can we have my heart wont change with spencer reid and "let me take care of you."? ty <3

thank you so much!! <3

--

Crying in the FBI stairwell was not the way you'd expected to start your day. First, you'd woken up too early to your alarms, but you were unable to go back to sleep.

Then you'd stepped into your bathroom to find it flooded, your leaky plumbing sabotaging your somewhat relaxing morning. You'd slipped in the water on the floor, smacking your cheek on the counter on the way down. It was humiliating, it was painful, and it left a mark.

Next was the stain on your favorite sweater. It was coffee, and it was dried right into the left sleeve, rendering it too unprofessional to wear to work.

Then, your shoes had a spiderweb in them. You weren't sure how, because the bug would have only had about eight hours to spin it, but apparently it worked fast.

You had forgotten breakfast on the way out and you were too early to catch a local diner for a meal, so you arrived at the office grumpy, tired, and hungry.

You hadn't caught the elevator. That had been the final straw. The first tear had spilled when you were just three steps up towards the office, and the rest flowed like a river as you hunched over in the stairwell.

You didn't know why you weren't being more cautious. You were alone at an odd hour in an isolated, soundproofed place. You supposed the security that came from it being a government building made you think nothing bad could happen, but of course, the worst thing happened.

Not murder. Though his voice was murder on your ears. Not kidnapping. Though you'd rather be stuffed into the back of a van than see his stupid face. Satan himself could have ripped your soul from your body, and you'd be relieved that it wasn't Spencer Reid walking towards you.

But it was.

He came at you with concern shining in those stupid doe eyes of his, then he recognized you through your puffy cheeks and messy makeup.

He backed away slightly, hesitance evident in the way that he awkwardly lingered, "Y/L/N?"

"Reid," You spat, "Walk away."

"I.. I can't leave you here."

"Yes you can," You gritted your teeth, pressing the palms of your hands into your eyes until hazy patterns flashed through your vision, "Go."

You felt hands on your wrists before you heard his voice again, but it came when you flinched away from him, "Stop, you're gonna hurt your eyes."

Your vision was blurry, but you didn't want to admit it. He pried your hands away from your face, crouching on the step below you to peer cautiously into your eyes.

His gaze caught the spot on your cheek and his eyes darkened, a nervous frown tugging his lips down, "Y/L/N, who did this to you?"

"Myself," You laughed dryly, "I slipped and fell."

Reid gave you a skeptical look, "Do you know how many domestic violence victims say that? That's one of the most common excuses for a suspicious bruise."

"I'm not being abused," You huffed, though somewhere deep down inside you appreciate his concern, "I really did slip and fall. My bathroom was flooded this morning, and I hit the counter on the way down."

Reid drew his lips between his teeth, gnawing on them gently while one of his slender hands dug through his bag. He came out with a cold pack, the shiny plastic bag advertising a 'quick freezing rate'.

"I keep them for when we go to hotter states," He explains, "Just squeeze it, it'll get cold."

You narrowed your eyes at him from your higher stair, "Why?"

"So you can ice it," He gestured to your bruise, "It won't hurt as much, the cold helps with-"

"I know how it works," You rolled your eyes exasperatedly, "I was asking why you were doing this."

He seemed slightly taken aback by your question, "I.. I wasn't just going to keep it to myself. You needed it."

"You didn't have to stay," You reminded him, watching as he squeezed the cold pack gently and held it out to you. You didn't take it, electing to monitor his facial expression instead.

It turned sour. His brows dipped at your refusal of his help, and he reached forwards, pressing the cold pack to your cheek. You tried leaning away from him but his other hand flew to the back of your neck, keeping your head stationary.

'Just let me take care of you," He huffed frustratedly, then seemed to realize the weight of his words. His cheeks flared red, the blush spreading down his neck and to his ears. You stopped fighting him, though, so it had worked.

"Does this mean you'll be nice to me in the office now?" You raised an eyebrow, your cheek bared as he kept the cold pack firmly over your bruise.

"Maybe in the office," He mused, "Not in the field though."

"Asshole," You seethed, teasingly shoving his shoulder as an incredulous scoff escaped your mouth. You watched his lips quirk up at one corner, a cocky expression you'd never seen on him.

"Is it helping?" He asked, his arm still straight out in front of him while his hand laid against your cheek.

"I think so," You reluctantly admitted, "Reid?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. For.. this."

He seemed to know what you were talking about, even if you didn't say it: thank you for being civil.

"Of- Of course," He blinked rapidly, letting you take the ice pack out of his hands to hold it yourself, "I usually have a ton of those, so if you ever slip and fall again..."

"I know who to call." You nodded once at him, hauling yourself up onto your feet. The cold pack was as calming as it was healing, and you felt your tears receding by the second. You let a teasing grin grace your features for a moment, "Probably wouldn't answer, though. Technophobe."

You spat the word at him like an insult, and he rolled his eyes, "I have a phone, Y/L/N."

You began your ascent towards the office and he followed, jogging up the stairs beside you, "And if I thought it was work I'd pick up."

"You have a brick," You corrected him, picturing the little outdated flip phone he insisted on saving, "I'm surprised you can call anyone but 911 on that thing."

"It works perfectly fine!" He insisted, his hands slapping his sides in a huff, "I don't know why you guys need to tease me about it constantly. It's not broken, I won't fix it."

"Can you take pictures on it?" You pressed on, unphased by his protests, "Or do you have an old-timey film camera in your bag to do that? Wait, lemme guess! You have to drape a curtain over yourself to take the picture, and squeeze the.. the thingy."

"The thingy?" He raised an eyebrow at you as you reached the BAU's floor, "You shouldn't be teasing me if you don't even know what you're saying."

"Whatever," You gripe, setting your bag down at your desk and glaring amusedly at him, "You're ancient."

"I'm thirty!"

[equallyshaw]

So I lay in your arms and pretend that it's love | trevor zegras.

based off olivia rodrigo's song- scared of my guitar!

trevor x singer nameless oc!

not too sure if i wanna do gif's or pictures like that above..trying something new out (:

word count: 2.3k+

warnings: tbh, she's toxic...pls dont be like her.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

◦

Perfect, easy, so good to me So why's there a pit in my gut in the shape of you? Distract myself, say it's somethin' else Maybe I'm just overwhelmed, maybe I'm confused

◦

for around 11 months it was pure bliss...the two of them everywhere and anywhere. onlookers looked on with smiles and hushed whispers about how 'in love' they were. the two of them moved quickly in their relationship, but nobody found anything weird with it based on how their friends watched them and how they spoke about one another in the media when asked. trevor loved bringing home flowers whenever he came back from a roadie, or just because he felt like it. he showered her with gifts from the get-go as her own life was beginning to fill with riches, as her music career took off.

but once the 1 year mark was coming closer and closer, she began to feel a sense of dread. a sense of anxiety and fear, she hadn't had before. whenever she heard his name in passing or whenever somebody asked her about him, she'd freeze and stutter; not sure what to exactly say. or what was weirder, was that she spent more and more time at her apartment in la and not at his newport house...claiming that the record label was hounding her for an album and she was working day and night, like a dog. she did whatever she could in order to not think about him may it be hanging with friends, driving up and down the coast to san diego to visit family and taking spur of the moment trips with her friends. and when people asked her what was wrong or what she was thinking about, she'd always say 'work' and every white lie that came with that topic.

but when she see's trevor sporadically, she understands why she fell in love with him in the first place. he's charming, relentlessly nerdy, incredibly kind and respectful; all of which she adores. and while basking in that feeling for a bit of time, she feels guilty about how her feelings change when she's not with him. she then chalks it up to work, and how much pressure the label is giving her. so maybe just maybe, she'll stick it out with trevor.

◦

Barely sleep when you sleep next to me

But I keep thinkin' I'll find a cure

I say that I'm fine, I tell you all the time

I've never felt so happy and sure

◦

shortly after their one year, as she stays with trevor about once or twice a week, she can't help but toss and turn all night. claiming she's just stressed and overly exhausted, and he buys it all. he buys all her, "I've never been happier" or "I've never felt so sure about something in my entire life". he buys the, "once im done with the album ill move in with you." too, yet she knows they wont last. that sickening and dreadful feeling that keeps her up at night.

she goes to all of these lengths just to keep her heart from collapsing and her conscious from crumbling above her, and yet she knows right from wrong. she know's that the one that would be hurt the most is him.

◦

But I'm so scared of my guitar'

Cause it cuts right through to the heart

Yeah, it knows me too well so I got no excuse

I can't lie to it the same way that I lie to you

◦

but then when she sits down to write and come up with the chords for a song, she cant help but cry. everything becoming too much for her, her closest friends and producer seeing right through her. her music speaking the words, she can't help but think but not say. she knows that if she lies in a song, she'd be betraying her heart and her soul. her music being her lifelong love and escape, would truly affect her relationship with it.

◦

So I lay in your arms and pretend that it's love

◦

around a year and five months, she stopped writing. she stopped playing her guitar until the early morning hours. she stopped recording, citing that she was dealing with some personal issue. once the acknowledgment of 'oh shit, i need to break things off- soon' hit her mind one day during a writing session, she knew she couldn't write or sing until she did just that. and so she made her way down the coast to newport to do just that, but when she walked inside she saw a doe-eyed and blissful trevor in her midst. she crumbled right then and there, allowing him to make their way to the bedroom. she laid in his arms, not being able to fall asleep once again; and reminding herself that she loved trevor .. or at least needed to remind herself more. was it though? at least on her part?

◦

I was ravin', no boy like you I had the nerve to just stop stringin' you all along But I'm not half as decent as you I'd rather be tied to someone, even if they're wrong

◦

trevor was the guy, she thought when they first met. she thought that they were end game and would go to the absolute ends of the galaxy to believe that, to show and make people believe it too. and after some point, she felt guilty about stringing him along and talking about their future plans together. another morning she stopped by abruptly on her way from san diego, she knew she had to break things off with him. yet when she arrived at his place, she found him making breakfast and the brightest smile she hadn't seen in awhile. he went along and continued with his breakfast but not before making a cup of coffee for her and a extra serving of his breakfast for her. before leading her over to the dining room table and held her hand as they ate. guilt crept up her spine as she looked at him, talking about something that had happened on a road trip and she felt a pang in her heart. she was a coward. rather than break the band aid and say what she'd wanted to say for months now...she let him continue to speak.

he was a better person than she was, she thought. he would have ended things a long time ago if he'd felt what she'd felt or thought. he wouldn't have continued to string her along. he was a good person like that. but her? she was half the person he was, he was a good person with good intentions. the culprit?

she didn't want to be alone.

◦

I make excuses, my friends know the truth is I'm not as alright as I claim I say that I'm fine, I tell them all the time As they watch all the life fade away

◦

the life was draining from her and her friends watched as it did. she was hiding herself away in her los angeles apartment, shortly after she stopped writing. they were all rightfully concerned with her mental health and wouldn't take the 'im fine's!" she hurled at them time and time again. they even reached out to trevor and even he could not get her to come out of her shell. though, he never got the full story of why she was like that. he dropped around unannounced before and after practice, sometimes staying the night but most times slipping out after she'd fallen asleep. but not without a soft kiss to her temple, and tiptoeing out. his family and friends grew concerned when he opted to stay in newport for the offseason. by the offseason, she'd gone back into the studio and pushed through. the studio eating up whatever she had written, and loved it all.

◦

I pretend that it's love, love

'Cause what if I never find anything better? The doubt always creeps through my mind So we'll stay together 'cause how could I ever Trade somethin' that's good for what's right?

◦

with no end in sight, she continued to push through with the relationship, trying to get back to how things were before when she was without a doubt, happy and in love. when trevor does finally leave the sunshine state to go visit family and friends, she stays up thinking about her and trevor's future. would she find anybody better than him? would she find the love that they shared early in their relationship? would she find somebody almost as arrogantly confident? somebody with an infinite passion for what they do? their (affectionately) dumb friends who adored her? and somebody with a zest for life? her journals filled to the brim that summer with what had been eating her up inside.

when trevor comes back right before the season begins, he take's her out to malibu one early morning before the sunrise. she was groggy and tired from the night before, and so when she was awoken abruptly she groaned; trying to desperately to go back to bed. trevor said that he wanted to go for a sunrise and she hummed, thinking he'd go by himself. but instead, he tickled her enough to wake her up and she dreaded getting out of bed. they drove up to malibu that September 2nd, and held one another as he wrapped his arms around her from behind. he bit the inside of his cheek, body filled with nerves and anxiety. he whispered her name to begin with, and in the most trevor and most un trevor way, he proposed. she turned around to see him with tears in his eyes and visible anxiety washed over his features. she smiled softly feeling the inside of her scream to say no and beg her to leave the life she grown used to the past mere months. her smile grew wider and faker, as she said yes. trevor had gotten her dream ring from new york, and she gushed as he pulled it out. tears swelled her eyes as she felt her heart tug at the effort he'd made for her. she was going to show him the same effort as well, even if it hurt her to no end.

◦

her record label demanded an ep of some new songs they knew she undoubtedly had written after she got engaged. her album release was a massive success, going #1 and platinum in many countries. her career was reaching new heights and she was engaged? she was the it girl everybody wanted to be. yet she felt so very far from it, but kept that signature smile on at all times.

she felt herself buy into the idea of marrying trevor when she saw how excited her family was when they showed up to a private dinner the very evening of her album released. they gushed and gushed over the ring and endless possibilities her and trevor could have together. she saw how good both of their families bonded and got along with one another. she could feel the pride and gratitude that oozed off of trevor that night. he loved - no absolutely adored this life the universe had bespoked upon him. the singer was just another addition. he thought he had everything before they met, but when he saw her get absolutely hammered at a party they were both invited to; he was enamored. the grace she carried herself with when dancing, talking, singing and most importantly; the love she oozed for her friends was intoxicating. he could not and never wanted to get enough of it.

the look he gave her that night was one she'd never, ever forget in this lifetime. it was how all girls wished to be looked at. the one that would spare nothing to make their partner happy. the one where you know they'd go to the ends of the earth for you and with you. it was as if she hung the moon and the stars for him.

who would pass that up?

◦

I let the thought in, it's already done

◦

she brought into the idea of going through with the wedding after the release party and found herself immersed in wedding planning. she found herself non stop traveling with trevor that summer, after a serious playoff run. she found herself thinking of their future together because lets be honest, it was there. and she couldn't help but get excited just a bit when trevor had said, that she was going to be most beautiful bride and future mom to ever grace this planet. she looked at him through the mirror and again that look, captivated and brought her in.

◦ But I lay in your arms and pretend that it's love Yeah, I lay in your arms and pretend it's enough

◦

their wedding was a dream. an absolute dream. hollywood and hockey royalty showed up and showed out. the wedding of all weddings. they danced the night away to taylor swift. then as a surprise, trevor and his groomesman shamelessly, did a group dance to one of her upbeat songs as she sat there blushing like a fool, covering her face in embarrassment. they spent the night basking in everybody's presence, the singer not having a second to spare a second thought about what was going to be coming in the next few months. she knew that the world and everybody in their lives would be asking about kids and what not. yet, she pushed that towards the back of her mind. she played the role of a loving and adoring newlywed. she smiled to the camera's as if there was no tomorrow. her friends actually believing that she was happy and that she had found her way back to trevor. and in a way, that was true. she felt stuck with no way out.

the couple retreated back to the ritz carlton new york hotel suite, with a bottle of very expensive champagne, thin slice pizza and new york cheesecake. after stuffing their faces in between making out, the two fell asleep. or at least trevor did. the singer looked up at the ceiling, wide awake and unable to sleep. she had played the part this long...what was another ten?

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

umm....sorry about that! part two is coming at some point because i wanna hurt myself even more lmao...

please like and reblog if you did and id love to hear your thoughts too!

tags: @cuttergauthier @zegrasbabyyy @hockeyboysarehot @slafgoalskybaby @sc0tters @sweetestdesire @jayda12 @starshine-hockey-girl @cellythefloshie

[jadeittic]

HS + Y/I: 2022 (SERIES)

EXTRA (6) (REMAKE) -- ive been procrastinating a lot this yr so i guess we're back on track with hs + y/i

PREVIOUS. NEXT.

HARRY STYLES + PLATONIC!EX-1D MEMBER!FEM!READER

WARNINGS: are ig comments even warnings anymore 😭-- and there will be new uses of face claims.

celebnews

liked by username, and 12,348 others

celebnews YN LN spotted in Glasgow, UK for upcoming first collaboration tour with Harry Styles.

view all 1,754 comments

username my girl looks so majestic i cant

username im hyperventilating just at the thought of her someone help me

username YNRRY IS BACK BABYYYYYYYY

username i havent moved on from her last tour now shes back. AND WITH HARRY TOO.

username IM SO EXCITED I CAN BARELY SLEEP

username ive gotten my tickets. IVE GOTTEN MY TICKETS.

username im so not jumping, blushing, twirling my hair at the sight of her rn

username THE WAY I WOULDNT MOVE ON ONCE I SEE YNRRY ON STAGE

yourinstagram

liked by harrystyles, lukehemmings, dannyramirez, and 2,165,410 others

yourinstagram pov: im so fucking nervous i can barely stand still so heres a pic

view all 26,122 comments

tchalamet YOU GOT THIS GIRLIE

username IM SO SAD I JSUT LEFT GLASGOW 😭

username IM SO SORRY FOR YOU OMG

anthonymackie Super disappointed in ourselves because we can't see you on your first ever collaboration tour. You're growing up, young lady. Don't you forget about us.

username "young lady' EXCUSE ME WHILE I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP

username i love them sm my heartjsheufs

yourinstagram will do mr. mackie! make sure to stop by next time :))

username already feeling like im abt to pass out and i havent seen them yet

username IM ALREADY CRYING HELPESIFGS

madelyncline SO SAD I WONT BE THERE BUT I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU TWO

yourinstagram u dk how much i want you to be here rn ;((

iheartynrry

liked by username, and 14,352 others

view all 3,183 comments

username WHEN SHE TOOK OFF HER JACKET I ALMOST FELL ON THE FLOOR

username holy shit holy shit holy shit am i still breathing

username THEY NEVER LOST THE CHEMISTRY I LOVE THEMS KNKCUCGC

username so fucking proud to say i was there. i was in the first show of hs + y/i.

username SO MCUH WAS HAPPENING

username THEY WERE GOSSIPING THE FUCK OUT ON THE STAGE LMFAO

username THE FLAG, THE SMILES, THE OUTFITS HARRY, YN, THE SHOW, I FEEL SO HAPPY

username i loved the moments where they were trying to communicate but the crowd was too loud

username TO THE POINT I THINK I SAW TEARS IN THEIR EYES

harryxyn

liked by username, and 3,391 others

harryxyn no explanations needed. just tears

view all 260 comments

username FOR FUCKING REAL. I COULDNT STOP BAWLING MY EYES OUT

username WHEN WHEN WHEN MATILDA PLAYED I JSUT

username i couldnt believe i was even there omg i thought it was all a dream

username my life is complete.

username THIS MIGHT BE THE ONLY CHANCE WE GET TO SEE 1D AGAIN?

username 2/6 :(

username DONT DO THIS TO ME

username i cant stop rewatching the videos i recorded :(((((( i already miss them sm

username i cant MOVE ON

harrystyles

liked by vicdeangelis, yourinstagram, letitawright, and 4,902,514 others

harrystyles I am so proud of my girl who I call a sister from another mister. She doesn’t have any idea how much she means to me. You are loved, YN LN. (By me which who loves you the most.) You deserve the world. Thank you for being there always. It’s always us against the world.

HS + Y/I. Glasgow. June, 2022.

view all 56,625 comments

username WHAT WHATE ANZTDGSHJSHDHEHE

username “its always us against the world” I CANT BREATHE IM IN TEARS

username IVE BEEN REREADING THIS FOR THE PAST FIVE MINUTES. NEVER HAVE I THOUGHT ID GET TO SEE HARRY POST THIS FOR YN

username 😭😭😭😭😭

username MY LIFE FEELS SO MUCH BETTER AFTER IVE READ ALL OF THIS

username OH MY FUCKING GOD

username TEARS WONT STOP ESCAPING

username SISTER FROM ANOTHER MISTER SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE IM ABOUT TO PASS OUT

username two words. in. tears.

yourinstagram

liked by sukiwaterhouse, chrisevans, anyataylorjoy, and 4,827,944 others

yourinstagram should i even explain? this idiot has been with me for as long as i remember. god, i can’t even remember when i agreed to go on tour with him (kidding, kidding). you are the most talented, funniest, hell, i even have to say handsome person to feed your ego. you are one of the best people to have happened in my life. it’s always us against the world.

thank you glasgow for being our first ever crowd for hs + y/i — its great to be back again! ❤

view all 47,319 comments

username IM IN ACTUAL TEARS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

username i have no words to say anymore this is so sweet

username oh??? my??? god??? ive missed them so much i didnt realise it

imsebastianstan She’s been crying about his message the whole time we’ve been drinking.

username THIS ISNT HELPING

username EVERYONES CRYING, IM CRYING, YNS CRYING, I BET EVEN HARRYS CRYING

username IM FEELING SO MANY EMOTIONS I CANT EVEN START WITH WHAT IM FEELING RN

username i will literally have “its always is against the world” tattooed on me soon

mitchrowland

liked by anthonypham, annetwist, dovecameron, and 427,314 others

mitchrowland Don’t be fooled by the internet, kids. These two have been searching up ways to steal my guitar without me noticing for the past hour.

view all 16,398 comments

username AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS WHOLESOME YNRRY CONTENT

username it is wdym

username ‼protect mitch rowland from ynrry‼

username now this is what we call bonding

username THIS BRINGS ME BACK WHEN THEY WERE DOING THE SAME THING TO NIALL OH MY GOD

yourinstagram shush youre spoiling our plan

username the way id help them username

ynrry world domination

username PROTECT MITCH ROWLAND

yourinstagram no thanks

username thank you for this update mitch

harrystyles

liked by yourinstagram, bellahadid, jefezoff, and 2,466,012 others

harrystyles Girls can kiss now.

view all 31,175 comments

username my fav girl with my fav book

username does this mean something…

username yn are you kissing other girls that arent me >:(

yourinstagram im sorry...i can explain

username if girls can kiss now… im free…

username THE. THOUGHT. OF. YNRRY. READING. A. BOOK. TOGETHER.

username theyve never read a book seriously beforehrdgd this post means sm to me now

username my day has been so much better since this photo

username EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PHOTO MY GODDDDD: THE HAIR. THE BOOK. THE BRACELET. HARRY TAKING THIS PHOTO JSUT MAKES MEMEMEMEMD

username MY WOMANNNN

[spaceshipcoupe]

This is the only place i feel comfortable saying how i feel without getting stares from people or being told to suck it up. Thats all i ever do. Suck it up. Im so tired. I feel so low. I told the one person i “trusted “ but after recent events i don’t feel that way. Ive been hurt by them so many times, they turned their back on me when I needed it most the one person I should’ve been comfortable with hurt me. Im trying so hard to be okay. But I’m not. The constant thought that i can do something to end it all but breaking down in the bathroom about not even know who i am anymore, i don’t recognize myself, my name, i have no friends that talk to me but i know it works both ways so i don’t like using that as an excuse or anything. I just wished someone would notice that I’m not okay. That I’m so alone but no one seems to care till someone is gone. And I’m not on here to end it all but to just cry to myself and maybe try to help me feel better. I wish I hadn’t done certain things, where was the guidance i needed. Not the guidance like “he’s no good for you” or “it all happens for a reason” but actually fucking advice, not telling me that j cant keep crying wolf, one day i will stop crying wolf and it’ll be so blissful, i can’t wait for the day that i don’t wake up wishing i was someone else with a different life. Thinking about the future and what i can be. Not being the reason my son’s family is broken. I try so hard for someone who couldn’t give a single shit about me. I see it. Why wont you let me go. Please just let me go home :( i feel like its just getting worse. Bringing me down. I just want someone to help me. But i don’t want to be a burden. Always crying about her life. But I’ve had it hard. I don’t have a normal life, its not just one problem its a fuck ton that i never knew how to deal with. I feel so fucked up. Im struggling harder than i ever have. Substance abuse, sleeping and just hating myself in general. I wish i never existed. I think the whole part that i know no one i know will see this or judge me. They dont know me. Im not as i appear on the internet. Sure i look happy but its just a facade, in fact I learned that from my dad, minus the fact that i dont post pictures of my kid pretending to be a loving parent who cares about his kids. Maybe if i got the love I needed I would’ve been okay. God i wish something terrible happened to me.

[pupuseriazag]

tw: venting about unlove:

Four months have passed after that "man" broke my heart. Treated my like he was interested, talkrd daily with him, he was there for me in some low moments (during which I would cry because I didnt felt enough for him or anybody), flirted and showed me signs he wanted me

Only for him to suddenly start being less and less caring with me, stopped giving me all those words and spent less time with me.

And I, in a stupid moment of weakness... Confessef my feelings for him

Wanna know something funny? He didnt reply in the moment. I talked to his friend and he listened to me talk how much I appreciated and loved him... How much I was willing to do for him. And he agreed we would've be nice together... That he was rooting for us and he was glad he had found someone so "nice" and "caring" as me.

He talked to him... 3 hours later he gives me the bad news... He is mad and sngry at his best friend for using my heart and not actually wanting to b with me... but still leading me on to believing we had a chance.

I was broken again, man. How. Many. Fucking. Times. Has. It. Been.

Time and time again I end up likr a fool.

And then he texted me. He was sorry for making me go thru that... After I had told him I was on the verge of stress for no one wanting to put the effort or wanting to fight for me.

He said that for weeks he did felt love for me... But realized he did not wanted to actually make the effort.

Thats when it happened. Thats when I got confirmation that no one would fight to be with me. Thats when I got confirmation that Im not enough for anybody... That theres something in me that people are easy to let me go.

Why am I not interestinf enough to keep them around? Why am I not pretty or handsome enough to keep someone? Why am I not... Anything actually special...

I was going everything alright... I've never hurt anybody and yet Im always the one hurt

My heart realized that night... That no one will ever truly love me like I love them...No matter how hard I search. No one will come to my life like I daydreamed when I was a little child. No one will work hard to be with me, no one will. No one will make sure I understand I am so....So very loved by them. No one will rver treat me right... And for some reason I dont deserve it.

But I know I do dederve it. I do deserve all those nicr things... But why does it never come? Why am I always thrown back to the ground amd forgotten?

I dont want to turn into the "I CAN love myself 😤😤" because I dont love myself. Being me has never made anybody feel like they want to fight for me... Not even myself.

And you knoe what I hate? I fucking despise the "Oh calm down! :) God will give you a nice MAN soon! Its all God's plan and God's timing is perfrct 😌"

I DONT WANT TO KEEP FUCKING WAITING. I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL MY STUPID LIFE TO HAVE SOMEONE LOVE ME DEEPLY AND NO ONE TO THIS DAY HAS EVER DONE SO. WHY DOES GOD WANT ME TO GO THRU THIS?! JUST SO I CAN """VALUE""" THE ACTUAL ""CORRECT"" PERSON?! I ALREADY FUCKING DO THAT WITH EVERYONE.

ITS FUCKING UNFAIR FOR ME TO ALWAYS HAVE BEEN EITHER A FUCKING EASY TO LET GO PERSON AND NEVER HAD ANYBODY SHOE ME THE ACTUAL LEVEL OF LOVE I NEED AND DESERVE I FUCKING HATE IT I HATE IT A LOT

I DONT DESERVE ALL OF THESE HEARTBREAKS

I DONT DESERVE ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME

SO IF GOD HAS ANYTHING IN PLAN FOR ME IS PROBABLY JUST TO FUCKING LAUGH ST MY FACE FOR EVERYTIME I BELIEVE I FOUND THE CORRECT PERSON.

WHY CANT I HAVE LOVE NOW???? WHY CANT I FEEL LOVED NOW??? WHY DO I NEED TO KEEP WAITING AND FALLING AND FALLING IN NEW TRAPS SO CALLED LESSONS?!?!

ITS ALL BULLSHIT TO ME

I just... I dont want more people... I think I deserve love... But it always feels like god and the universe dont think I do...

So guess what? You won. Enjoy seeing how from time to time I cry again to sleep becquse of how unloved I feel. But I wont try it again. I wont open my heart to anybody in that way again.

Enjoy watching how I have to write fanfics and hyperfocus on those becquse I want to feel some type of love nesr me... And at least my mind is good and crrating those peope that do care for me

[momiamtired]

dear god, why do you hate me? what have i done? i never asked for a lot. i dont want to be rich or famous i just want to be happy. i just want to have my closesr friends around me and a botfriend and a child and a secure work. i just wish a happy life. why do i need to go through this. why do you hate me? i just was born in a wrong place. why me? of all people why me? i hate this town. i never slept more than 5 hours these 3 days. i wake up at 2 am with an alarm that soon will make my heart stop just to play with my friend because we have huge time difference. thats the only thing that gives me happiness. everything else is rather anger or sadness. im not exaturating. im not a whiny teenager. i want to kill myself. and only because of fucking hope that every day gets ruined i am still standing and sitting on my disgustingly uncomfortable anti suicidal chair and write this in hopes to get better. i only have 4 hours of sleep left, thanks emily. i have finals soon and i still never realised it so good luck to me. i dont really know why am i still alive. i really wish i didnt have things i would be regretting to lose or just i dont want them to be sad. my friend, my dad that is going to be shamefull of my death and regreting how much money he spend on me, my mom, maybe my brother, my relatives which im afraid the most becuase since childhood im afraid of being told to them that i am a failuer, my cat, my hopes that everything will become better. thats all that stoping me and tbh im not sure how long will i manage. no its like i dont even have a choice. if i will die many bad things will happen and i dont even have a cnhoice to unalive myself because even after my death something bad wiill happen. im just amazed thats its jkust getting ridiciuluose. tbh if i will get raped or i will lose my phone or someone will stab me with a knife i wont be surprised im not exadurating im tired of people telling things that are not true i turly feel that if something as bad as that will happen to me i wont be surprised. i hate this town im afraid to walk on streets here im tired of me not knowing english im tired to say things im tired of. its like its just a situation where u are getti ng happiness only from 3 max source and its playing online games with ur friends( u have to not sleep at all and then go to studying while having undiagnosed adhd and just getting emberessed after sleeping on lessons), tiktok which more often gives me strong negative depr4essive emotions like any social media would, and other internet stuff that can give me positive emotions only really rarely and if i willf find something and only if my roommate is not hope and she didnt left homne in like 2 weeks. i dont want to sleep at all and im tired god oh how im tired how ianything that makees this things happen to me oh how i wish he would be suffering eternaly oh how i wish you cant imagen how much i hate my life how everyday get into awful situtions or things all the time and i dont even have a choice its like im a clown or a puppet somebody watches and experiments and laughs. i wish i could be dead tbh god idc anymore just fucking kill me already i dont care at this point i know u wont make my life easier just kill me im tired of crying and anger

[journalsandshit]

10/27/2023 - letter (retrospective from 03/31/2023)

dear jack,

i know you dont think about this or even remember it really, and i know that you never even considered how awful this was, or how unreasonable, but i feel like it is important for you to know that i still think about this every single day, and it still hurts and scares me every god damned time, even if youll never actually read this.

on march 29th of this year you asked - no, you told - me to give you all of my clothes back. it was a casual moment that didnt mean anything at all to you, but it quite literally changed my life for the worse. we were in my car, i was driving, and i was bringing you home. we were coming up on the intersection by the gas station and walgreens near your house, and, seemingly out of nowhere, you told me that you wanted your clothes back. its not like i couldve said no, so i said yes of course you could, and then i asked you why. i think about your answer at least two or three times a week.

you said that you wanted them back because "were not dating and its weird that [i] wear your clothes all of the time." those were your words, your exact words. i couldnt tell you at the time but that shattered me. everyone thought we were dating, we knew that, we didnt care, we even joked about it, i though we were comfortable enough in our relationship to not care about what other people thought. i guess i was wrong.

i fought tears the rest of the drive to your house. when you got out of the car and left i pulled out of the driveway and parked around the corner. i sat there stunned for probably close to ten minutes. then i drove home, crying the whole time.

when i got home i was the only one there. i went to my room and gathered up most of what was yours (i forgot the graceland jacket because it was hanging up in my closet.) and folded it into a pile. i checked to make sure my mom and tiernan werent pulling in yet and then brought them all out to my trunk. for some reason, i felt like them knowing what was going on would have made it so much worse. i know if my mom had found out she would have asked what was going on between us, if we had fought or something like that, and i know that i wouldnt have been able to stop myself from crying when i told her that i didnt know what happened and that you had just decided you waned everything back out of nowhere. so i didnt tell them. i was heartbroken, but i kept quiet about it all night.

i cried harder than i had in a long time that night, for hours and hours. i didnt sleep, i just laid there trying to figure out how the hell i was going to ask you what was going on.

i knew i had to ask because i couldnt keep living thinking i had done something wrong, but i was so afraid that you would give me an answer that only made it worse. i rehearsed my lines over and over again until i felt like i had a shot at saying them in a way that wouldnt give up how terrifying it was to ask. i settled on "hey, theyre your clothes so obviously you can have them back if you want them, but i was kinda wondering why all the sudden its an issue?" looking back, i think i should have been stronger than that because i was pretty sure i knew what was going on, but i was heartbroken and afraid so i did what i would. then i tried to figure out what i was going to wear the next day. i wore your jacket every single day for no real reason other than it was the most confrontable and i was more depressed then than i had been in months (better than im doing now but still very, very bad), and the more depressed i am the less i change up my outfits and the more i wear "safe" clothes that i know wont get me too much attention. i couldnt figure out if i was allowed to wear that jacket still, because we had decided that we were gonna permanently trade those, your shakespeare zip up for my green one. i decided to wear it, and tell you to bring "my" jacket when you came out to the car in the morning.

the next day, i woke up to a text from you that read "Hey can you put my clothes into a bag or something and bring them to school? I'd appreciate it thanks fr being cool about it." i answered that they were already in the car. tying that out hurt me a lot more than it should have, but reading your message broke something. not only did you want the clothes back but you wanted them bad enough to remind me, who never, ever forgot to do things that you asked, to bring them.

i got ready anyway and drove to your house. i sent the "omw" and "were out front" texts as usual, but i added another one that said to bring me my jacket because i was afraid that you saw me wearing yours you would get mad and tell me to give it to you and that i wouldnt have one without it. you waled out of your house without it, though, so i deleted the message and hoped that you wouldnt notice.

you got in and immediately asked where the clothes were. i told you they were in the trunk. when we got to school and left the car, you came to the trunk with me to get my bag and pointed out that graceland was missing. i said i was sorry and that id bring it next time i saw you. saying that hurt too, because i used to be able to say tomorrow and be confident that it would happen, now, though, i sometimes wouldnt see you all weekend or after school for a whole week. when we started walking in, i asked you why the way i had been practicing since i said bye to you the night before. i think i sounded more nervous than i had wanted to.

you said that carolina was uncomfortable with it. i said that i had figured but i waned to make sure. im still mad that i let you off that easily. carolinas a bitch, always has been, always will be. i should have asked why you were listening to her. i should have asked why you cared what she thought. i should have asked why she got so fucking insecure all of the sudden. why she decided to take that out on us instead of figuring it out with you. why she couldnt pull her fucking shit together and act like a god damned adult and realize that she cant have complete control over your friendships all the god damned time try as she fucking might. there are so many things i should have said, but i was afraid and weak and relieved to know that it wasnt you, even if you werent doing anything to help me.

i let the topic drop and we continued on, but i shouldnt have had to be okay with that answer, because it wasnt okay, it was weak and pathetic and i was so mad at you for letting that happen. i couldnt believe all the shit you would get so mad about while you just allowed my whole world to come crashing down because of you and your stupid fucking girlfriend. and i couldnt believe that you never even noticed how it affected me.

like.. i know its not normal for friends to share things and act the way that we do. (well, actually, its very normal, but its not normal with friendships that are between-what looks like-a boy and a girl.) i know that. but it was our normal. we had always been okay with that. and that you let other people, ESPECIALLY someone as dumb and entitled as carolina, get involved with us really pisses me off. it hurts like hell that you let her get in the middle of this just because she was insecure because you like to go fuck other girls and pretend it doesnt bother her.

a few weeks went by and i had adjusted. i wasnt happy, and every time i thought about it it got worse, but i had gotten to a point where it wasnt impacting my day to day so much that i was crying over it all the time. i still wore your jacket every day, though, because it was comfortable and i needed that comfort with everything else that was going on.

and then, just like that, carolina comes right back to make you make my life hell.

it was at lunch, she made some comment about how i wear your jacket too much. i said i liked it and it was comfy, plus no one even knows that its yours anyway, so it didnt really matter. you, instead of helping me or just staying the fuck out of it like you should have, decided that you should butt in and say "well you dont have to wear it every day" then your little bitch got such a proud look on her ugly fucking face (she is ugly, i dont know how you dont see it) and cuddles into you so hard i almost threw up.

i went to sculpture and just about lost my god damned mind thinking about how i shouldve just knocked her tf out (verbally or otherwise). i was so sick of having to play nice with that asshole just because you liked to fuck her

and then? guess what? i never wore the jacket to school again. not one time. i cant believe it. i let that fucking drama queen win. im so mad at myself for it, too. i cant believe i let her think shed won something because i didnt want to make your life harder. because that what it always was, wasnt it? i never said anything because i didnt want to make you have to defend me, or pick sides, or, god forbid, tell her to get her fucking shit together and act like a god damned grown up. your life needed to be a hell of a lot harder so you would finally see how much of an ass she was, but i was too nice and patient with you two and your bullshit, so you just got to coast and i had to suffer.

i know if i said this to you in real life youd probably completely ignore all the shit you did wrong and just justify her feelings even though youre not together anymore because you couldnt bear to comprehend the fact that you spend two and a half years of your life dating a completely moronic bitch who never actually liked you and probably ruined any future relationships you have along the way, so im just writing this here ig so that i can pretend that youd care a little bit if i told you.

those few months, february to may, were some of the worst of my life up until that point (it got so much worse over the summer but i had no idea that was coming yet), and a lot of that was completely your fault. in the past, ive blamed your girlfriend and her friends that you were dumb enough to let her keep around, but the more i think about it the more im realizing that it was literally all your fault. you could have told all of them to shut the fuck up and leave me alone at any time, but you didnt care enough to even see what was going on with me, so, now, im blaming you too. youll never see this so it doesnt matter, but i hope someday ill be able to tell you how awful this all was, and maybe, just maybe, youll actually apologize to me for how much you hurt me. i didnt deserve any of that and you put me through it over and over again because youre too weak to stand up to anyone and too self absorbed to realize that you pick really shit people to engage with. all of your friends and girlfriends are such assholes and you dont realize that and so i have to suffer and its not fucking fair and i wish so badly you knew how hurt i am so you could say that youre fucking sorry you did this to me even though i know damn well youre not a little bit sorry and youll probably blame everyone but the people responsible, me included

i wish you understood

bye

[cryoriku]

feellikeimgonnaconstantlythrowupallthetimmeeeee never emotionally got to recover from my last situation bc the person just wanted to pretend like it didnt happen instead of resolving it and didnt realize because we just numbed tf over it but that entire safe space feels fucked plus a lot has changed in the small time we couldnt talk to anyone really and i chase it but i cant keep up to stay relevant and cool and funny and we're blurring as hell and work is FINE but my stupid mentally ill brain is breaking from working full time (which would be bad enough but also all the training is done from home) i wont stop shaking and i just wanna cry but we move out soon and need the money. im venting so much on here and i don't want to be but without a safe space and without a therapist (because my stupid boss won't give me a schedule to even make appointments in and when i make them ahead of time she gets upset) i have nowhere else to go. i dont expect people to reply to this i just need it out. this is so miserable. none of our interests are engaging or comforting us right now either.

i wish id never left florida. i have less here than i had there. i wish i stayed and played as some bimbo at a bar in the keys until some rich man swooped me up and told me he wanted to take care of me. i probably wouldnt then if all my needs were met but if i ever had to go inpatient then i know i could without actively making my situation worse by devoiding myself of money that couldve went to food or rent.

i dont want to die. i want to disappear. but i think its gonna only get harder to keep myself alive. its cruel to say this because i know how emotionally abused and controlled we were as children but it feels almost sick in retrospect knowing then how suicidal we were when we had food on the table and hot showers and no bills and now. no because we didnt even get that bc of roxas's consistently borderlining ed i swear was spurred by our parents comments and having our near naked body checked to make sure we werent cutting or hiding anything (yeah, dont let your suicidal baby get therapy or comfort them or anything, take away their phone and friends and invade their privacy nonstop because fear and deprivement will DEFINITELY make it better)

our youtube career better kick off as soon as we are in an apartment and start paying the bills because . hey! have i mentioned being demiromantic sucks ass! its 7am. i have got to stop typing. im going to get food or keep sleeping.

edit: i decided to lay in bed longer then birthgiver entered the room and im reminded i dont have room to have mental illness i need to grow up and get the fuck out of this house because i cant keep living like this her not gonna say more on this or im gonna explode.

[sunkingwrites]

goooood morning.. 💕 mm I’m so sleepy still- gonna make myself some coffee and then hopefully my stomach doesn’t get upset with the amount of cookies I plan to eat for breakfast 😙

anywaaaays, I’m gonna be cooking a lot today because it’s almost someones birthday and like the good roommate I am I gotta cook their favorite foods~ oh but but I was catching up with bnha before I went to sleep last night (pls I swear I slept when you told me to) but then my roommate came in and.. stole my laptop? I mean I didn’t mind because I was having a mental breakdown over the recent episode,, but now I’m concerned what they did because all they said was “I need le minecraft.” and left 🥲

and I finally finished the firewatch shinkami fic- why tf is it so good??? awhkjhdiuhoina I kept getting distracted noticing the little elements in the writing but it just made it so captivating 😭

oH OH AND- I finally finished what I had left for my college projects and sooo I don’t have anything to do for the next 2 days.. unless *cough* anyone *cough* wants to do me 🥺/j

jokes aside I was crying this morning because I also finished chapter 5 of the song of achilles and we got a background check on one of the characters and I swear I could see the mommy issues shining through 😔

OK NOW IM JUST RANTING OF WHAT IVE BEEN DOING HJQSDKJKWFDKJJNKASD- I can’t get discord to open so that’s why I’m sending an ask tho 🥲

oh oh and my mind just suddenly filled with questions last night and it wont stop bothering me lol I dunno why… they’re so random tho- although I’m very curious on the one reason we know each other: how did you find my blog? It’s just a lingering question that I always wonder when someone follows me hehe- I mean,, I’m very glad you found me because holy shit— 😭 I remember how you were freaking out because I followed you back- that was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life tbh (we’ve been mutuals for well over a month ayo??)

anyways I’m gonna stop my intrusive mind from dumbing more stuff here so I don’t clog up your asks.. I hope you have a great great day, and I will send you kisses and updates of what I cook and uhh shit I do! on discord this time hehe… well unless food pics are not something you like then I’ll just spam you with random shit I do-!

mwah mwah~ ✨

Dude,, IF YOU MADE FOOD FOR MY BIRTHDAY I WOULD FUCKING CRYYY

Ohhhh my godssshfjsmck the fucking shinkami fic,, IT HAD NO RIGHT TO BE THAT GOOD- I WANT TO GET THAT GOOD AT WRITING AJJCNSNNF but like,, I was so fucking close to crying?? MultiPLE TIMES??? AND LIKE ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT WHEN DENKI WAS RUNNING TO THE TOWER,, AND I THINK IT'S SO COOL THEY ADDED ACTUAL BNHA LORE WITH THAT OTHER ASSASSIN HERO LADY AND THAT THEY COULD EXPLAIN DENKI'S LEGS DOING THAT NSKDJSBBFBDB

just-- so fucking good-

Mmmm,, we love mommy issues-- just love love love that for us~ No but like, characters with mommy issues are always too relatable to write aghh- LIKE STOP HAVING MY THOUGHTS PLEASE,, I UNDERSTAND I HAVE TRAUMA JUST LEAVE MEH ALONE

..if you couldn't tell- I had sugar-- remember that boba tea icecream I sent you a photo of in the superstore a while back? Yeah well I bought it today at Walmart and now it's almost gone,, and and I also got an ube icecream too, and Marmo hAtEs it- but I like it and I already knew that I would-- and now I wanna make an ube, vanilla milkshake aahhhh yum yum,, obviously not tonight-- maybe tomorrow if I can???

Okay okay and,, as you know my remember is full of shit so this miGHt be wRoNg- but I'm pretty sure I saw.. mmm I think a writing post first- maybe cuz it aligned with one of my tags?? Then I was like "oooh, I wonder if this person has anything else written for this character-?? Lemme seee~"

so then I would've found your master list post and I liked the vibe of it,, so then I'm pretty sure I just started scrolling through and randomly liking shit-?? I was still like a week new on tumblr so I was desperately looking for people to follow and get some more content flowing through my dash and to interest with--

Thennn, I think it was that composition you had posted that kinda embodied your anxiety that got me hooked,, cuz I kept listening to it on loop- so then I felt like I had to comment about getting it on Spotify,, since my family has a premium plan it's the place I usually get my music,, AND THEN I saw the picrew and I was just gONe cuz I fucking love making picrews and yours looked so cool and you just seemed like you'd be a fun person to talk to.. and then I shared mine with you and just kept talking and uhhh- yeah! That's what's up!! ✨✨

-also also you're birthday on twitter says it's the 28th- so I thought that was funny xD

[crepuscollo]

you know what i think the problem is? i continuously let people who don’t meet my mandatory needs into my life. thats why i end up hurt. i never told them what i need and half the time idk what i need anyway. i just let things go for everyone. i dont speak up. i usually dont even know it bothered me till later. and sometimes i think thats j how things are and i cant fix them theres nthn this person can do; blame everything on myself. from here on out, i wanna rlly make sure that i communicate my feelings. im so fucking tired of my emotional needs not being met and walking over myself and just keeping the peace. well, im not at peace.

god. i always let them. im “unproblematic” “low maintenance” “carefree” “everything is simple and nothing is a big deal”. right? cause thats how i gotta be. or else everything would go up in flames. this is how i was fucking raised alright?

my mum makes everything a problem w ruins everything for everyone. so im never gonna be like my mum; always sharing her opinion and expressing herself and saying things and shit. even if all of it is stress, its easier to not show it, it’s easier fof everyone around u. and its not like its unhealthy, right? no bad side effects. and its not like thsres room for 2 stressed and overwhelmed indiciduals right? there cant be. i havs to stay sane. cause she has to act insane.

my dad on the other hand? dont care. carefree. life is simple. life is too short to worry and stress and react and feel. unbothered, unprovoked, uninterested. he seems happy he seems okay. and my mum doesnt.

so how the fuck do u think i turned out? my dad telling me the way to live ur life is to not care and not cause problems and j give ppl simple solutions to their problems. just salek. and no one and no thing can be a problem big enough to make u give a reaction or stress or falter. keep the peace, yeah? all this while my mums anxiety eats away at her. constantly worrying ab this and that and overwhelmed and overstimulated and her minds in bits and pieces and here and there and not sleeping and not focusing not asking no more fucks to give no more space to care about her daughter and fuck, no one gives a shit. LIFE IS EASY ITS SIMPLE JUST DONT WORRY ABOUT NOTHING.

so, how. the fuck. do you think i turned out?

i bottled up my emotions so much to the point where im so overwhelmed but i cant even pinpoint a single feeling. its just all there, overflowing, but i cant see it. i cant feel it. i dont know how. and im afraid that if i start i wont be able to stop.

fun fact: when im crying i dont like being held. i want space. i need reassurance and being told im normal im okay ill be fine cuz it may seem pointless but i need to hear it “youre okay. its okay. youre okay. everything will work out. ill be there. together well make everything right again. dont worry, okay? we got this. you and me? we got this. there’s nothing we cant handle. nothing. is everything is in our hands and is handled and is fine. dont worry. please dont worry. we got this.” and god, i need my tears to be wiped away by some loving hands.

dont talk. just listen to me. tell me that if i share it, and say it, and let you in, well be in it together, and youll help me, and hear me out, and share and unbiased outside perspective. tell me you care so much you just want to take my pain away. you want to hear it. all my thoughts that are eating away at me, if i let them out they lose their power. tell me why you wanna know and dont tell me u wanna know bec u wanna help tell me u wanna know bec u wanna keep me safe and u care and u dojt think i should be alone in my mind. then stop talking. dont over do it. dont be desperate. i need to know its okay if i dont talk. once u tell me ur here with me and i have space to say everything out loud, then create that space with your silence. give me a moment. i need a moment to say it. dont interrupt me. dont give ur opinion. dont try to guess what i want. just dont try. tell me to tell u exactly what it is that i need. let me tell u the story and everything and then ill tell u oh this situation is making me sad or making me regretful so that means i need comforting or ill tell u idk what to do or im confused or idk how i feel then i need advice or if im j overwhelmed and stressed and needed to talk then i need a distraction. let me tell u what i want because if u interrupt or guess or give the wrong expression at the wrong moment itll make me feel misunderstood and unable to communicate how i feel and ill stop trying to talk. i need u to wipe away my tears and give me kisses. not hugs. kisses. let me initiate the hugs.

[midnightblackdaylily]

9/21/22

You’re gone again tonight. I think I’m getting more used to it. Just not the lying bit of it. That’s the worst bit. Just be fucking honest. I know you’re not at the gym for five fucking hours. I’m not that fucking stupid. I know you know I’m not. God just thinking about that makes me wanna cry.

Ursoc is still being a little bitch. Surprise surprise. I’m so tired of him crying every five minutes. I wanna go soak in the hot tub and drown.

I’m hoping that maybe one day I’ll be happy again. Today is not that day.

Edit:

I jumped in the hot tub and figured while I’m trying to relax, this would be the perfect time to air my grievances with everything and everyone. (Just kidding. He started screaming so now I’m making myself a hot bath.)

Either I’m a live in maid or a walking cock sleeve. That’s all I am anymore. I’m either cleaning up someone’s mess or being hounded with sexual shit. Well used to. He stopped doing that, thank fuck. Maybe he finally took the hint.

But for you, dear roommate, you’re a whole other story. I don’t understand you. At all. You’re fucking me one day and the next you’re gone for hours on end. Am I just a post nut clarity? Someone you can pretend is someone else to make you happy? Fuck. I told myself I wouldn’t cry and here I am tearing up on the edge of the tub. God damn it.

I’m just so tired of being temporary and then tossed to the side. I’m tired of being second choice. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I want sex but sometimes I just can’t stand it. I miss the physicality of it. The cuddling afterwards, the dirty talk that means nothing to you apparently, ALL OF IT. I don’t want it from him because I’m worried he’ll tread into territory I’m not comfortable with.

I just sat down in the tub and holy shit is it small.

Anyway, yeah. The whole piss thing? No. Too far. Too gross. That was the whole reason I took a shit ton of showers at the hotel. I made myself sick because I wouldn’t use the restroom. He talks about wanting kids. Man, I can’t handle a kid, even if I had help (since he claims that having help would change anything [spoilers, it wont!].) I used to want all that stuff. I wanted to be a stay at home mother. Now I barely ever leave the house.

Honestly, when we were both going through the food poisoning, I actually enjoyed feeling like ass because you hung out with me. I know you’re not obligated to, because we are only roommates, but holy shit was it nice to have someone around. Now you’re leaving again and I feel so fucking alone and afraid that you’ll tire of me and move onto the next best thing. There is no hope for me. It doesn’t feel like it.

The guy that loves me is suffocating and overbearing. The one I live with is oblivious and inconsiderate.

Ursoc has started howling. Maybe I should get out of the tub. Telling him to be quiet isn’t doing anything. It never does. Why do I even bother? I’d get out and go to bed but Ursoc sure as shit won’t let me sleep. Roommate isn’t here which means I get to deal with a crying child all night. There’s no way in hell I’m sleeping on the couch.

Fuck man. Today fucking blows. At least I’m getting number. Maybe by tomorrow I won’t feel a thing.

[apricotpicotty]

i went to give barch exam today.. and i did an amazing sketching obviously i could've done better if i slept well the night before and didn't appear for exam after getting only 2hrs of sleep..and also if i didn't zone out and had more time to sketch.

it was an old rajisthani woman maybe idk not sure my assumptions are based on the stereotypes.

for a sec i thought of bomma ... and tried remembering her face.. right i still remember her face. we weren't soooo close but compared to my parental grandma and maternal grandma... we were close.

she wasn't the type of person i'd go and cry to i mean there's no such person anyways but.. i think i would've gone to her when i felt low. she would've held me in her arms.. i would've felt her shaggy soft old skin next to mine. i would've slept next to her soundly for hours.. and maybe it would've been nice if we died in our sleep together altho i would probably go to hell and she would've gone to heaven cuz she deserves it and so do i. but i wish i could've at least spent the last few moments next to her. maybe she would've loved me regardless of knowing the kind of fuck-up i ended up being. she would've caressed my hair and skin it would've felt so good i would've fell asleep in seconds and never wanted to wake up again. maybe my back and shoulders would've felt less tense too.

if she's somewhere else now does she ever stop and think about me?

i didn't even cry when she died. i sat in the balcony of my aunt's house and stared at the sky maybe it was starry maybe it wasn't i don't remember. i forced myself to cry but i couldn't.

i remember asking my mom to make me corn before she left to see her grandma dead.

when thamma died i cried cuz everyone else was crying around me..ik i wouldn't have cried if i was all alone next to her dead body.

i am the most fucked up worst person to exist.

yea i hate myself, pity myself, try to love myself but i can't.

back to the sketch i did maybe i drew it thinking of bomma subconsciously cuz she had the big sweet eyes like hers, wrinkly skin like i remembered. she was so pretty.

my final result ended up being a mix of her face and the old lady's face on the screen. whatever it was.. it was pretty.

i miss her yea.. maybe it has been 6-5yrs..i wish i told her i loved her.

maybe i know what love means when it comes to her.

maybe meaning of love for me is to just sleep sound and warm in her arms.

maybe love means to go to that person when you're feeling down and sleep next to them.

maybe love means to finally let your back, shoulders, neck, face, teeth and body relax when you're with them.

maybe love means to at least try to be vulnerable to them

maybe love means to love them even when you can't say it.

maybe love means to want to go back to them even when you know you can't cuz she's not here anymore.

maybe love is just out of reach now cuz she's not here anymore.

there are so many meanings of love it is definitely not something tv shows, movies are able to depict. the love i feel from media is temporary temptation of wanting something when actuallly i just want to go back in time and sleep next to her

as i write this i can feel how it felt touching her old shaggy soft cold skin. i remember it.

i'm sorry bomma. i failed.

i wish it was me who died instead of her. kind soul like her deserve to live forever...but then again she would see her family die in front of her eyes again and again...maybe it's okay cuz she wont go through that pain anymore. it's okay to not be selfish and let her go cuz you don't want to see her suffer anymore.

it's okay. it's alright.

but i miss her now.

i'm sorry bomma

[s-omething]

i reaaaaaaaaally wanted to do this and now the feeling is gone actually that is good because now i have somewhere to start, and its exaclty that i really want to start drwaing again, i really want to start reading again, watching stuff i like again, loving something, tattooing, planning, making, creating, i really want to do everything nothing feels how it should or used to, nothing hits, nothing makes me feel anything, im deeply bored by everything and right now talking about it, i thought i would feel something, like i usually feel when im writing, but nothing comes and i rlly feel like stopping right here of course i wont, im not just gonna give up.  point is, im bored, i have all these references in my head, all that pop culture where characters feel exactly lke this, fiction where i can see myself not having to look directly at me, where it hurts the most.  “i got bored one day and i put everything in a bagel” and “i dont feel anything. it is so boring (...) i try to find ways of making myself feel something more and more and it doesnt make any difference, i hurt myself, it doesnt hurt. i buy what i want, i dont want it. i do what i like, i dont like it.” and at some points i just dont care anymore, im just waiting and waiting, i almost think “maybe in two or three months when things start happening, i just have to wait until then, and life will start and i will feel something again and i just wait, and it is so stupid to accept such thing when i have this suffocating fear of losing my life, wasting my youth.  and its “and i wake up in the middle of the night, its like i can feel time moving. how can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?”  and oh all of Sidelines, if im being honest “im not afraid of anything at all, not dying in a fire not being broke again. im not afraid of living on a fault line cause nothing ever shakes me, nothing makes me cry...”  and yes everything else a burning hill says it too in general, it almost feels like life stopped and since it stopped, i should not feel anything but shit keep happening and life continues moving and moving and going away i dont want to be stuck!!!! i hate it, i hate not moving, its impossible actually to just stay still, and being bored feels like being dead so sometimes  this bursts inside me and i feel everything i feel alive and its so strong that i want to scream and laugh and sing and do everything and i feel llike time is not enough for all the things i want to do and live and that sometimes depresses me into not doing a single thing i feel suffocated when time is moving too fast too, i guess and i stay awake too much and even tho im tired, im euphoric and i do things that i should have done like cleaning and doing general chores.  but then i get exhausted fast and suddenly im sleeping too much again, not trying anything, not doing anything i get stuck on scrolling for hours and hours and i really wasted hole days like that, almost everyday high or drunk or both, which helps a lot with feeling boredom because when im not sober, being bored doesnt hurt, it turns into... being alone in a good way, with no problem, no time, nothing, just alone and completely quiet. but im still not here and floating around is not how i want to spend my youth.  i want to create, to connect and scream, laugh, cry like im dying just because i am, because im alive, and i want to feel very fucking alive and fuck, besides all of this, i feel completely okay, or just so numb that nothing rlly hurts, so im just... ok  i might spend all days meditating to believe im just a rock, you know? maybe thats what i need, to be here? but being a rock lifts all of the worries away, cause nothing matters irght? that movie knows everything, fuck!!! im not sure if writing about all this has done something, i dont feel like anything rlly shifted in me, and i was rlly hoping it would i was hoping i  would get some clarity and understand all the connections about the state i am, understand where they come from and where they will go, how to change it, just anything i guess i will just wait for the next time i go crazy and feel everything again, hope it happens soon

[inthismoment]

,,