#but it's actually more like what i blast my eardrums out with 90% of the time

[yuniper]

GOD FROM THE MACHINE - an Adam Jensen fanmix

“Sometimes you just have to let go, and embrace what you’ve become.”

[spotify]

[embersrevived]

>_

Send me >_

@finalsorrow

“This ain’t a song for the brokenhearted -

No silent prayer for the faith-departed.

And I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd,

You’re gonna hear my voice

When I shout it out loud-”

There she was, mini laptop open at the local coffee shop, cheek in hand as she pored over a pdf file of select sections of a rather intriguing text that was delving into the overlaps and contrasts of traditional and modern medicines. Specifically the merits of herbs and potions vs. modern pharmacology. The discussion of the synergistic effect of both incantations and old school herbs in comparison to the drugs of the present day was also being elaborated on in detail in this particular text. Rather fascinating stuff. 

Sipping a cup of steamed milk, she had just begun to peruse the page concerning the differing approach of both methods and their physiological impacts on the likes of anxiety and blood pressure, when suddenly both of the aforementioned variables commenced to slightly increase within her own body. Her ears picked up on a sudden onslaught of cacophonous notes and immediately experienced a quite negative visceral reaction to the echoing of her eardrums. 

“…Holy mother of … Hades?” Well, that actually had been something of a nice catch, the surprised exclamation she’d nearly said had been one that had been a more coarse four-lettered one instead. 

And the source? None other than the most recent product of the world’s most renowned family of monster slayers. He who towered above the shop’s patrons on stage in all his renown and glory, the russet ponytail cascading down his broad shoulders and upper back from that iconic ebony ribbon. Featuring his brown boots thumping on the stage to the beats that immediately preceded the dramatic refrain that was to follow shortly. 

Well actually, the song had started off sounding normal enough … And she hadn’t even realized it was him at first before that first off-note had been screeched. It had started off actually rather decent sounding in the beginning. What had happened? Whatever it was … The Muses were certainly not with the man once the main verse had begun. Good lord, what had happened? Well, she supposed that the one upside would be that anyone who had been on the verge of drifting off in the middle of their studies was now in a more alert state albeit adrenaline induced.

“IT’S MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE-” the legend himself continued, his vocals seeming to screech and falter simultaneously, losing complete sight of the correct notes as the instrumental blasted in the background on stage. 

“IT’S NOW OR NEVER!

I ain’t gonna live forever!

I just wanna liiiiiiiiive while I’m aliiiiiiiive,

It’s. my. LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE 

My life is like an open highway!

Like Leon said I’ll do it my way,

I JUST WANNA LIVE WHILE I’M ALIIIIIIIIIIVE.

IT’S. MY. LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE”

Dear gods. The man had descended into totally murdering the song, his way indeed. In addition to the off-key notes, he’d intentionally placed emphasis in the middle of random lyrics where it wasn’t warranted. Not only that, the Jul Bon Juli here appeared to to be really getting into the vocalization effects that normally accompanied that song. Going so far as to even try to reproduce the talk box effect that Richie Sambora had masterfully belted out on his nifty unit during that band’s heyday. 

In all honesty, the Belmont’s attempt at imitating the said signature vocal effect came out sounding like anything but, being more akin to the love child of Cookie Monster and the grunts of a gorilla attempting to assert its dominance. All right, so at this point it’d become fairly apparent that he had botched the latter portion of the late 90s hit for sheer amusement purposes. Unless it was possibly a new sort of “aesthetic effect” that people in this day and age had begun to increasingly implement into their covers of oldies now? Perish the thought.

And then finally, the J-man concluded his performance. And to Nadir’s surprise, his rendition seemed like it was being met with neutral to mildly positive reactions from his audience. After blinking for a moment to process what exactly she had just seen and heard, that Cacophony of the Night that’d just transpired, she tepidly joined in on the rest of the coffee shop audience’s applause. She felt it would be rather uncouth of her to allow her confused reception of his interpretation of the late 90s hit get in the way of her etiquette as an unwitting audience member. 

Julius himself seemed pleased enough with his performance at least, flashing a grin at the audience as he repaid them all with a grand, sweeping bow. “I know, I know…~” 

 Though the pressing query of the night still remained.

What in the nine layers of Dante’s inferno had she just watched. 

[erintoknow]

Hurry Home

fallen hero: rebirth fan fiction with Crow and Argent ~2.2k words [ao3]

–––

2 AM in Los Diablos isn’t much different from 6 PM. The haze of streetlights defused into the smog taints the black in sickly yellows, reds, and greens. Crow pulls his arms tight against himself as he wanders down the street. No particular destination in mind. Sail the ship, onward ‘till morning. Normally this is Morrígan’s time to shine. It just makes more sense that way, a witch for the witching hour, when all the specters peer out from underneath their tombstones.

Not tonight, not for a while. Morrígan needs to rest still. Dr. Mortum did a good job keeping the girl out of harm’s way but when you’re dealing with criminals you can’t afford even the pretension of weakness. Morrígan can take it easy until the worst of the bruising fades. She deserves it.

Not like Badb Catha– not like you. Keep your guard up, feelers out. Walking alone, at night, in the closest thing that passes for dark in this sad excuse for a city. There’s a man across the street, that’s been walking the same direction you’ve been for a whole block now. Telepathy assures he doesn’t think of you at all. But–

Sometimes you wonder if you’re suffering bleed-over from Morrígan. She may not have telepathy but she’s always taking count of everyone in sight-range. Assessing probable threats as best she can without the benefit of your talent. But the details that rank her concern… Some part of you, or of her-in-you is screaming the man is a threat. That you should speed up, detour away from him.

But– Crow is a man. Decently tall, more in shape everyday, with his telepathy, Crow shouldn’t have anything to fear from a scrawny twig of a dude. What’s he going to do? Pull a gun on you? Worst case Crow can just reach into the empty head and crush it down like a trash compactor. It wouldn’t even be hard. No training, no discipline–

“Spare a buck, lady?”

A hand on your shoulder pulls you off balance, yanking you sideways towards an alley between buildings. Trained reflex takes over, snapping the offending hand away as you step back and fall into a defensive stance. Adrenaline pumping, mind on full alert and– you squint through the gloom at the unshaven man standing were your telepathy insists there’s nothing and nobody. Strain harder, and catch the faint pop of static.

The man raises both hands up and backs away, back into the shadow. Static or no, how did you miss him? “Woah, easy there.”

“I’m no fuckin’ lady, hey?” Crow spits, narrowing his eyes in contempt. The nerve. The very idea. This guy would piss his pants if he knew he was talking to Macha. She’d bring an armored fist down and crush his head like a ripe grape.

“Yeah, I can uh, I can see that.” The mean looks down on Crow, mouth twitching down at the edges. He shakes his hand and before sliding it into the front pocket of his sweater. “Just looking for help, anything you can spare.”

“Bullshit.” Crow doesn’t relax, little alarm bells ringing in the back of his awareness at least two more minds nearby who are entirely too interested in what’s happening right now. Future trouble? With this guy? Separate? To early to tell. He’s the most dangerous. “How many beggars keep guns in their sweater vests, dumbass?”

The man’s face is full-on frown now. “No need for that, my man.” He’s taller than Crow, not a lot, but enough. How firm is his grip? How quick can he aim? Whatever’s about to happen, Crow should be fine. This guy is nothing that hasn’t been pasted countless times before. It’s just an open question on if Morrígan will need to go fishing for bullets this time.

Crow would, admittedly, prefer that not to be necessary.

“So you feeling charitable tonight?”

Crow rolls his eyes. “You’re not too bright, are ya?” It’s too late in the night for this game. There are places to aimlessly wander, there’s no time to pretend to be held up by a two-bit crook that can’t find the right end of a razor.

Crow snaps to the side, out of the estimated field of fire of whatever gun the man must be holding in his pocket. The sudden movement gets him by surprise. This isn’t part of the script. Yeah, will neither is yanking his arm back 90 degrees in the wrong direction until it makes a gross-ass popping noise. The would-be assailant screams and drops to the ground, a pistol falling out of his hand and scattering into the dark. A revolver? Doesn’t matter, not a factor now. 

Kick the body in the stomach, and he groans. “Fuckin’ idiot.” Crow mutters, shaking his head. Well, they can’t all be Ortega. “Maybe think twice next time ya amadán, ya idiota, ya–”

A crack rings out off the walls and at the same time fire blooms in your leg below the knee. Shot? You’ve been shot? No grazed. Skinsuit under your clothes held up. This time anyway. Gonna be a hell of a bruise. Twist, keep yourself on your feet, feel for who– one of the two you noted as too interested earlier. She’s moving towards, you pissed mad. You fling up your arms, can’t risk another shot. Not until she’s in punching range. Damn your leg. Fuck.

“Get away from him!” She’s on full alert, pistol pointed at you, finger on the trigger. Hands aren’t steady. How much training has she had? “I said get the fuck away from him!”

You keep your hands up, take an agonizing shuffle back. Fight the urge to push up your glasses. “Ya know, back-up don’t mean shit if your on the other end of the block, right?” Reach in there, mind like razor blades. Can you shut it down before she pulls the trigger? Too tense. 

Would the skinsuit hold up? What make is that pistol? You can’t tell in the gloom. She doesn’t know either. Charming. Idiots. Fools. Both of them. Siblings? Cute. ‘Bro’ wanted to try the nice way. Sis’ here knows the real score.

Find the floor, something to smash and bring her down quick.

“–I said empty your fucking pockets!” She jabs the gun in your direction. So much for protecting family. Can’t forget the crime, can we sweetheart?

“Can– can I put my arms down, hey?” Stall for time while you reach in there. This has to be subtle-like or the shock might get her to pull the trigger regardless.

She glares down the sight at you. If she did shoot, could you get Morrígan here in time? Would Morrígan even know where ‘here’ is? You slowly lower one arm. Don’t think about the gun. Pull one pocket inside out. Of course. You weren’t intending to go wandering. Not prepared. Think if you come clean about not having any money on you, the three of you can laugh this off as a hilarious misunderstanding?

No?

Think of another plan then.

Or, consider this: The beat of footsteps and something now way too familiar on the periphery pulls your attention upwards.

As she twirls through the air the phosphor light gets caught in her hair. A tangled mess of reflections, caught however many times before bouncing free? She brings her arm forward, down, pulled in on gravity’s tether and– oh, wait, shit, fuck–

Your leg screams in protest as you dive to the side just in time for Lady Argent to bisect the air between you and ‘Big Sis.’ A shot echoes off the walls blasting your eardrums and you have to clutch at your ears.  “Fuckin’ hell! Are you trying to kill me?”

Argent turns to you, looking none the worse the wear for having dropped from the roof of a three story building. She shakes out her arm like an etch-a-sketch as she takes in the scene. “I’m trying to help you.”

“Holy fuck,” Sis is backing away from the scene, eyes darting between you and Lady Argent.

Argent watches the woman from the corner of her eye. “Street muggers? Not much of a challenge.”

“I had it handled.” You hiss. Now that you’re on the ground the idea of getting up and putting wait on your leg seems impossible. “Had them eating out of my hand.”

Argent tilts her head, looking down at you, paying absolutely no mind to the woman who had just shot at her. “Is that what the bullet hole is for, Catha?”

“Nah, just a graze, hey? Look, it’ll be fine.”

“Your bleeding.” Argent stresses the word. Why does she care? She doesn’t seem to know either. “You’ve been shot Crow.”

“Well, look.” You wince as you pull yourself into a sitting position. “Ya gonna arrest the bitch that did it, hey?”

That gets Argent to shift her focus to the sister, stepping over the still prone body of the first guy. You don’t think he’s actually out of it, if all the internal screaming you’re picking up means anything. Just as good, you guess. 

Argent takes another step forward. The woman drops the gun to her side and books it. So much for family loyalty. You let her drop out of your awareness, her panic is putting you a little too on edge. You’ve got plenty of your own reasons to panic. Such as: Lady Argent wants to chase after the woman, but instead she turns to face you. She’s not impressed.

That’s fair, you concede. You aren’t impressed by you either.

“You need help.” It’s supposed to be a question, but coming out of her mouth it feels like a statement of fact.

You bark back a laugh. Wince as touch your injured leg. You still haven’t actually looked at. It’s not necessary. “You offering a piggyback ride Starshine?”

Her eyes narrow as she stares down at you. “Fuck off.” She tenses, fingers flexing. She wants to move in, can’t make up her mind. “I meant an ambulance.”

You shake your head. “Absolutely not.”

“Why?”

“Unlike like some people present, I’ve got bills to pay.” You grit your teeth. The pain a dull throb. As soon as you get back you’ll have to have Morrígan look at it. It’s just bruising, you’re sure. “What are you doing here anyway, hey?”

Argent shifts her stance, mouth wrenched in a tight frown. “What do you think I’m doing Crow, I’m on patrol.” You watch her facial expression, body language. There’s more to it then that, you’re sure. But what, exactly you can’t place. “What are you doing out here.”

You cross your arms. “It’s a free country Starshine.”

“It’s three in the morning.”

“My statement is not any less true on accountin’ of the hour.” You shift your position, grit your teeth as you try to get up. “Ah– fuck!” Argent’s hand grabs your arm before you can fall back down. She pulls you to feet with a disturbing ease.

“You need to see a doctor.” She doesn’t let go of your arm.

You scrunch up your face, stare down at the asphalt. “Don’t you have a mugger to chase down?”

“Small fry like that don’t matter.”

“That so…” You take a breath, try to keep your hands from forming fists. “And I do now?” Why won’t she let go?

“I’ll never…” There’s a hesitation in her voice. That’s hardly like the Argent you know. “Ortega will give me hell if I just let you walk off like that.”

Enough is enough. you tug at your arm. She lets go. “What does Julia fucking care?”

Argent doesn’t mince words. “She’s still in love with you.”

Something in your chest twists, you rub at your eyes with one hand, push your glasses back up. “Well, hey, tell her she’s seven years too fucking late for that revelation.” You pull back from her mind, in on yourself. You don’t want to know. Focus on the pain. The pain in your leg. It’s just a dull throb now but that’s real. Your leg is real. Not like her, or this city, or the rest of you. 

“Tell her yourself Crow. I’m not your go between.” She stands still. Doesn’t move after you as you hold yourself up against the wall. 

“Then don’t act like one, hey?” You push off the wall. Test your leg, hurts like a motherfuck but you can do this. It’ll be a long walk, but you’ve done worse. Maybe you’ll jack a car from somewhere to cut down the distance. Or just a taxi?

Argent steps after you, grabs your arm again when you stagger. “If you’re not going to the hospital, then where are going?”

“Where do you think, Starshine?” You snarl, “Fucking home, hey?” She’s close. Too close. Just a skinsuit under clothes can’t protect you. Why is she pretending to care? Does she know? Is this pretense for revenge?

“And where’s home for you, Crow?” You glance up at her, she’s not looking at you. Scanning the area. Empty street. Dogs barking in the distance.

Fuck it. Whatever. If she murders you in your sleep, you can’t say you didn’t have it coming.

You gesture to the left, down the street. “This way. Bit of a walk. Think you can handle it?”

[afterspark-podcast]

G1 Episode 4: Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

Stinger

S: Any time that we do these recordings my sense of humor is like a 12 year old child's.

O: [Laughter]

[Intro Music Plays]

O: Hello and welcome to the Afterspark Podcast, an episode-by-episode recap of the Generation 1 Transformers cartoon! I'm Owls!

S: And I'm Specs!

O: Today we're going to be talking about episode number 4: Transport to Oblivion. Let's talk about giant robots today, shall we?

S: Yeah.

O: So last time- if you'll remember, uh, we finished the pilot for the original Transformers cartoon which involved them leaving Cybertron, falling asleep on Earth for 4 million years, waking up and Decepticon-Autobot shenanigans.

S: Yeah.

O: Welp, all that stuff, forget everything you just learned, because almost none of that matters now. Ah, you know how the Autobots were leaving at the end of the pilot? They were going to go back to Cybertron?

S: And revitalize it?  Yeah, that didn't happen.

O: It's not going to happen. They're just going to be chilling on Earth for the time being. So, you know, we open up back at the Ark: Cliffjumper is seeing things. And by things, we mean Decepticons.

S: Yep, and this is why you don't look into the sun kids. Meanwhile, Ironhide's kind of topless again. I mean honestly his paint job kind of looks like he's wearing a halter top so, that doesn't really help. [Laughter]

O: It- it keeps fluctuating but we're pretty sure he's supposed to be red on top but he keeps popping up grey, periodically, so eh?

S: Yeah.

O: Anyway, Cliffjumper, uh, shoots an unfriendly rock, which falls down and nearly takes out Optimus and Ironhide, and then Ironhide--- so, so you know, Cliffjumper’s like, “Ahh-- I thought it was a Decepticon,” And Ironhide’s like, “The Decepticons are gone for good.” He says last words-ingly.

S: Says Ironhide last words-ingly.

O: Thankfully, Optimus seems to have learned his lesson from the Pilot and is, you know, kind of like, “Umm, not so sure.”

S: He's- lets- basically like let's be cautious about this.

O: Right, you know the smart thing.

S: Yeah. And meanwhile Megatron preens about fooling the Autobots.

O: And fooling them good.

S: Um--hmm, and I think we see, like, this really fantastic underwater city that the Decepticons have built in the meantime.

O: So, I think it's, it's like the remains of their ship.

S: Well, it's built around the remains of their ship.

O: Or something.  Anyway, they've done a lot of work and, as I previously stated, uh, in the last episode Soundwave was able, clearly, to bring the ship down without completely destroying it cuz they're using it as their base.

S: Yeah, and, honestly, the Decepticons just seem like they're a hell of a lot more handy at building things than the Autobots.

O: Ehhh--Except Wheeljack, Maybe?  Ehhh--

S: Yeah.

O: Back on Cybertron we see Shockwave again, who's chilling as his gun.

S: He's shooting randomly at something? It kind of looks like he’s shooting at the ground and then he transforms, and part of him just sort of nopes out screen right. When he transforms into robot mode and it's like, is it a monocle- is it a monocle for his gun? And then he just kind of drags himself into the other room and there's a really great tired walk, which is relevant to an upcoming point.

O: [Laughs] So, apparently for the past, oh, four million years Shockwave has been trying to call Megatron.

S: Yep. Talk about needy.

O: And, you know, so he tries again only this time Megatron's, you know, actually awake. So Megs is like, “Holy fuck, you're still alive.” [Laughter]

S: And, and it-it's like home phones you.

O: [Laughter] Uh, Megs has many titles, uh, we find out during this conversation- one of which is, future ruler of the universe. Self-proclaimed, clearly.

S: And Shockwave is basically dying of starvation, this is the relevant point.

O: I guess most of Cybertron is, I think is what you said?

S: Yeah, the implication or maybe it's just a very wide-ranging headcanon is that sometime after the Autobot and Decepticon leadership left Cybertron that basically Cybertron itself, or whoever was in charge of it- so Shockwave, I guess, started shutting everyone down in order to conserve energy because the planet’s not orbiting a sun or anything. It's just flying through space with no power source, so...

O: Regardless, uh, we find out that the Decepticons are almost done with their shiny new space Bridge. uh, basically so they can shuffle back and forth from Earth to Cybertron.

S: Yep.

O: Uh, we get the return of Soundwave creeping on humans. This time with 90% more rock and roll.

S: And then the magical race changing man because someone got their color notes mixed up. He goes from, uh, black in the first scene, to white in the second, and then it's back to black. Everyone, like, all of the blue collar workers in here, all have the same sort of outfit that Spike and Sparkplug wear. So, they must be fashion trendsetters or something.

O: [Laughter]

S: I mean, I know it's just a really simple design. Going logically, as far as the animation goes.

O: Right, right, but yeah.  So basically Soundwave has infiltrated a solar energy plant, uh, and transforms out of, uh, his boombox mode and releases Laserbeak, um, which today is Operation: Destruction. He's used that one before right? He's just reusing them now, he's just reusing them!

S: He is, he is and then blasting through a window shutter? Enter the Decepticons, the rest of the Decepticons. Cuz, I mean, this obviously isn't a door because it has a freaking lip.

O: Yeah, it's really strange I was looking at it and it looked kind of like a garage door but it wasn't because there, it wasn't flush to the ground. It was very strange.

S: Um-hmm, um-hmm.

O: Also, it begs the question- if they were just going to blast in anyway, what did Soundwave going in as a boombox really do?

S: Social engineering, I don't know--we've got that post.

O: The only thing I can think of, is maybe he'd been there for a while and was spying on them buu-- I just don't know like, he--oh who knows.  Anyway, moving on. We cut to Spike in Jazz.

S: They're in traffic and Spike’s not using a seatbelt.

O: Actually! We looked this up. Seat belt laws didn't start becoming commonplace in the US until the 80s or the early 90’s, depending on the state so when this was made that was actually probably pretty normal and, I don't know about you but when I was a kid I remember all the, ”Wear a seat-belt,” stuff, and I know some of it is still out there but I feel like there's less of it maybe?

S: Um--hmm, cuz it's pretty normalized now, and also going from- apparently something that I heard about the new Mystery Skulls thing- is they might have just decided they didn't want to, you know, animate seatbelts.

O: I'm-- okay, that's a fair statement.

S: It's a possibility, but it's probably, it's more likely, you know that it wasn't you know--

O: Culturally, a thing.

S: Yeah.  Um--hmm.

O: So anyway, Jazz is trying to destroy a child's eardrum, apparently, with the power of really loud music and Spike in the front seat.

S: Yep, and remember he's 14. I still, I still can't believe that he's actually 14.

O: It's okay, Officer, my car is driving me!

S: Um--hmm, um-hmm. Oh, and he kind of nearly throws Spike through the windshield when, basically he has to slow down really, really fast. Like, there's three inches between him and the car in front of him.

O: Yeah, Jazz is a very exact driver. Basically they hit a traffic jam, uh, and something is clearly causing chaos within the city and then Jazz does a totally illegal u-turn and zooms back to the Ark.  Uh, so, apparently the city’s losing power due to Decepticon shenanigans at the solar plant.

S: You think they'd, you know, build their own so-- you know solar plant somewhere in the ocean, where no one would know. And I mean oh, God, these guys are so handy and apparently they can't do that.

O: Well, it's just like, why would you want to tell the Autobots you're still alive? [Laughter] This- this is the part I'm confused about.

S: Obviously this is to facilitate robot flirting AKA punching.

O: Obviously. Um, so, you know once they figure this out, Prime’s like, “Oh, fuck. Megatron's still alive.”

S: And he sounds oddly breathless about it too, so going back to the robot flirting.

O: Robot flirting yeah. And we get another toy roll call, this time with more Gears bullying the Bee. Alternatively, Gears is just kind of a dick.

S: Yeah, yeah.

O: Ah, Soundwave is gathering dat Energon with his patented cubes again.

S: Yep, and the Autobots burst through a skylight.

O: Why is that even there?

S: Obviously for natural light, and I mean Ratchets leading the charge? Like okay...

O: Oh, sure put your medic out front, oh, it's fine.

S: He likes kicking people.

O: [Laughter]

S: Obviously, he's had to take out his aggression on, you know, the glass first.

O: [Laughter] Okay, so you're telling me someone pissed off Ratchet, shoved him to the front of the line and said, “Get them,” to--about the Decepticons.

S: Hey, I wouldn't--

O: I'd watch that.

S: I wouldn't expect anything less from the Autobots, some of them do weird stuff.

O:They do. So, uh, we get into the fight proper and Cliffjumper, the maniac- if you remember, tries to take on Megatron by himself. Aah, Cliffjumper, literally, only comes up to Megatron's waist.

S: It looks, hmm, bad.

O: Anyway!

S: The placement...

O: Cliffjumper punches Megatron in the nads.

S: [Laughter]

O: Oh, sure now we get a new sound effect *CLANG*! Megatron's Nads are that badass apparently, they don't get the bonk sound effect.

S: [Laughter] Bonk! [Specs precedes to completely lose it]

O: I think you mean clank.

S: Clang! [still losing it] Okay, I am calm.

O: [Laughter] Okay, so, ah, Cliffjumper gets his ass handed to him via Megatron. So we get more Cybertronian flirting with Megatron and Optimus Prime. Basically they're punching each other again.

S: And then the Seekers escape with Energon and so, they’re basically just holding the energon to their tummies and they transform and it goes away.

O: [Laughter] It goes in their tummies. Anyway, Megatron gets a competent handler today, hello Soundwave.

S: Yep, yep. [Laughter] And Ironhide takes a hit for Prime.

O: “I used to be a war hero, then I took a fusion cannon to the chest!” Back at base, Ratchet is repairing him.

S: Ratchets’ patented tender loving care as he shuts off Ironhide’s voice box with, you know, a button?

O: Apparently that exists and good man.

S: It's like a button in his torso or something? And he's just like,”Don’t you sass me!”

O: [Laughter] Nobody sasses Ratchet, they'll regret it.

S: Umm-hm.  And then Bumblebee is sent out to scout out the Decepticons’ plans.

O: And he takes Spike, like Spike comes up to him and says, “Hey, can I come with you?” And Bumblebee’s like, “Sure, why not?” And I'm like, why? WHY? Leave the squishy at home!

S: And they, like, he just sort of goes off roading.

O: Randomly!

S: In exactly the right place to find the Decepticons.

O: Okay. Can we pause for a moment and ask ourselves, why is the Autobots Recon guy BRIGHT YELLOW!?!

S: Well, I guess Mirage, Mr. Invisible, is indisposed at the moment, and Jazz could have also done it considering he's the head of Special Ops, at least in this universe.

O: But no we send the bright yellow, freaking Volkswagen bug.  Anyway, so they go into, they call it a river bed but it--

S: It's, no, that's not a riverbed, that's either a giant canyon or a weird-ass giant culvert, not a riverbed.

O: Yeah it doesn't look like a river bed. Decepticons are testing their Spacebridge to Cybertron. Uh, the test fails- S: -and then Starscream mouths off again!

O: Must be Tuesday. So apparently, uh, the test failed. Uh, but having a driver for the space Bridge vehicle will fix everything.

S:Why? I mean do you need some sort of consciousness to direct the Spacebridge?

O: I think their implication was someone would be driving the space vehicle but I really don't feel like, they are later, you know, which is weird.

S: They're just- Considering what happens with Megatron, he's not driving shit.

O: [Laughter] No. But Bumblebee and Spike are like, “Oh shit, that's Decepticons,” and they attempt to escape, badly. Uh, falling into the canyon with the Decepticons.

S: So the thing is, um, they- they get up close to the edge of the culvert and they look down and are like, “Oh shit, no, we got to leave,” and then Bumblebee just, freaking stands up and tries to transform and then they like--

O: And then they slide down.

S: And the thing is, he tries to transform in direct view the Decepticons and it's just like- what the hell?

O: Yeah, you couldn't go like 10 ft back from the edge where they, maybe, wouldn't have seen you or something?.

S: Yeah, and they just-- he slides down the edge of this freaking culvert.

O: I know it's like, floomph!  De- deposited right in the Decepticons laps basically.

S: Yeah, right at Megatron's feet and then, they're volun-told they're going to be Spacebridge volunteers. I still like volun-told.

O: I do too.

S: Shockwave informs Megatron it'll take 3000 Astro seconds until they can use the Spacebridge again.

O: What the fuck is an astro second?

S: I don't know, I mean, I think I tried doing math to figure out how many, like, minutes 3000 seconds was.

O: I want to say like, okay assuming it's a second, it's like 50 minutes or something?

S: Something like that which seems like it's a really long time--

O: And why would you count in seconds?

S: I don't know, they're dumb robots. I love them but they're dumb.

O: Anyway, so like they get shoved into the--the, uh, Spacebridge vehicle and somehow they escape, by Bumblebee transforming in the vehicle and they kind of bust out and I don't even, uh--why--urgh, it's just. Madness, is what it is. It's Madness.

S: Yeah.

O: They're running away and then Bee turns into a car and somehow Spike is keeping with Bee who is in car mode.

S: And I know a human can outrun a horse over a short distance but, not a car not something that can go like 60 miles per hour after 4 seconds, geez.

O: Operation: Capture, as Soundwave sends out Ravage to chase after these two idiots. Hello, Ravage, my beautiful son.

S: And then Spike trips.

O: Shocker.  Ah, Bee attempts an escape

S: The environment animation in the sequence is surprisingly good. Frankly, I want to know how much mon--moolah they spent on that.

O: [Laughter]  Or why. The why is the biggest question to me.

S: Yeah, seeing as it's a weird decision to animate this background because I don't think they do it again?

O: I don't think they do it very often if they do it later, so. Bumblebee hides in a cave, this fails because he climbs out and pops out right in front of Starscream and Megatron and then they hold him down and Megatron uses his brain sucking chest tentacle to alter Bumblebees’ memories. You heard me.

S: This might be some sort of, like, weird future reference to the Robo Smasher, but probably not, probably not.

O: I'm just saying, there was a tentacle involved.

S: Yep, and this is a grand scheme by the Decepticons to lure the Autobots into a trap.

O: This works.

S: At some point Sparkplug declares that Spike is not going to Robo Summer Camp AKA Cybertron. Never mind that his life is already basically robot summer camp, sooo...

O: All robots all the time.

S: Pretty much!

O: So, Prime is, somewhat apprehensive about going into a random cave but Bumblebee is apparently, “Never wrong, Prime,” according to Ironhide. Uh, and then lo and behold the Decepticons attack.

S: And wreak havoc upon this delicate cave ecosystem.

O: Okay, there's a lot to unpack in this scene, so let's go down some of the greatest hits. [clears throat]  1) Jazz is apparently excellent at baseball, as he home runs a laser blast back at Starscream with a stalagmite we- 2) we regret to inform you the new Ratchet toy comes with a handy bird capture net, which he captures Laserbeak with.

S: What does he even with it the rest of the time?

O: Captures patients?

S: I guess. [3)] And then bonk! The return of Bonk.

O: [Laughter] And 4) Megatron summons a buzzsaw from his hand, which he then shoots at Optimus Prime, naturally the only thing this does is it frees Prime from a tiny rock that was holding him captive and, last but not least [5)], Shockwave calls Megatron at an inopportune time to tell him his space bridge is ready.

S: Actually we could probably use this amount of time to calculate the amount of-- how long freaking astro seconds are.

O: Well, no, we can't because like, presumably we-we weren't with them the entire time--

S: Ohh...dammit, yeah.  Dammit. [sigh]

O: Uh, Megatron orders a retreat and Starscream says, “Starscream Retreat? Never!” Lying to himself and to the audience. In order to trap the Autobots in the cave Starscream assists Megatron in getting his rocks off to block the entrance. You heard me.

S: [Snickers] And the Autobots regroup and blast out of the cave except the rocks go in towards the cave- towards them instead of out. [sigh]  They had to save money somewhere.

O: After that like, amazing, uh, uh, environment animation. They're like, “Okay, just screw the rocks, man.”

S: And then Ratchet notices Bumblebees’ memories have been tampered with because part of Bumblebees chest armor is askew, or something. Soo, uh--

O: Ohhh, bad touch.

S: Yeah and I don't know he sort of shoots the stupid little laser beam--

O: He's like, “Oh yeah, there seems to be some tampering going on here.” Thanks Ratch.

S: And like fixes it and Bumblebee remembers the correct location of the Spacebridge.

O: Um,  so back at the Spacebridge, uh, now Shockwaves talking about minutes instead of Astro seconds, who explained Earth time to him?.

S: Maybe Thundercracker did? I don't know. Maybe one of the cassettes, maybe Ravage got on the horn?

O: [Laughter] Ravage is just like, “Listen, counting them in seconds is dumb.” Anyway, Spike is shoved back into the Spacebridge vehicle and they strap him in this time.

S: Aah, yes someone finally invented a freaking safety harness in this silly show and it's the Decepticons.

O: [Laughter]

S: The Autobots arrived and another fight breaks out.

O: This is the third freaking fight in a 20-minute cartoon.

S: Yep.

O: So, then, Ironhide almost shoots Spike, and Optimus actually does, but not before weirdly adjusting the barrel of his gun.

S: Like all camera lens. You know like one of those fancy macro lenses or something?

O: Yeah, like the ones that you twist and they go in or out.

S: Yeah because it's like he twisted and it--

O: And the front of the gun kind of does that--very strange.

S: Umm-hmm.

O: Anyway, Optimus Prime shoots the straps off Spike, allowing him to escape, being caught by Bee. Megatron enters the Spacebridge in an attempt to salvage the Energon shipment and gets caught up in the whirlwind created by the Spacebridge.

S: Merry go Megatron! That's honestly the first damn thing I thought of when we-- when we got to this bit.

O: Basically he's been picked up by the vortex and is getting like you know--

S: Whirled around--

O: In a circle and goes through the space Bridge.

S: Yep.

O: And he disappears. So um, Starscream proclaims himself the leader of the Decepticons.

S: And is followed by his exact duplicate.

O: The return of Mini-Me!

S: Twice the Starscream, double the Screech.

O: Truly Megatron's worst nightmare--nightmare has finally been realized.

S: Oh, and so apparently there's a thing where there's the Unicron singularity where like, Unicron, Primus, and the Thirteen Primes or whatever are a all, like, a universal constant. The death of Unicron causes like, all of these dumb animation errors and that's why they're there.

O: No! No!

S: I think it's so dumb-- apparently that's something that is, it's- it came from some sort of official source but take it as you will, I ignore it because I think it's silly.

O: Yep, oh, that's too silly even for me.  And I like most of the shit these idiots get up to. So, uh, Starscream orders of retreat. Now about what he said earlier, about never retreating.

S: Yep.  Oh hypocrisy Starscream-

O: You can't lead ant-oids!  

S: -It knows no bounds.

O: Clearly. So the Autobots celebrating defeating Megatron, for good. Mercifully, Optimus isn't so sure this time, so somebody learned something--

S: And--

O: Megatron's fine! He's just chilling on Cybertron. He'll get his revenge.

S: Like, Shockwave sounded happy when you showed up and yeah, as Megatron swears his revenge his eyes glow menacingly red.

O: Of course they do, because he's a Decepticon. All right, join us next time for the Transformers episode 5: Roll For It. In which case, we will get to see, uh, Ravage kidnapping a boy in a wheelchair and the introduction of Jet Judo.

S: Yep, it's a fan favorite in many many fanfics years later.

O: Also Soundwave reading a, like, teenagers mind. It's weird.

S: Yeah.

O: So, Spec's, what are our fanfics for the day?

S: Okay first up we have “Undercover” by Tirya King. It's in the G1 cartoon continuity, rated T, and it's General, so there aren't any pairings. Characters: Bumblebee and the G1 cast. In summary, “Sometimes it's not always the quiet ones. Sometimes it's the lovable cute one. Sometimes the least likely can be the most dangerous.” And our theme for this recommendation is Bumblebee being sneaky because--

O: He was attempting to be sneaky in the episode, he kind of failed, but he was attempting it.

S: Yeah, yeah. And so this one is a one shot because I figured I should keep track of whether it's One-Shots, complete, or an in-progress thing that's probably not going to be completed.

O: Ohh, that's a good idea.

S: So, yeah, our next one is “Insomnia” by KoiLungfish, based on the G1 cartoon continuity, it's rated T for teens, it's Gen so again no pairings, and our character for this one is Shockwave. “Shockwaves isolation on Cybertron is driving him insane.” This one's kind of a little, little darker, but ah, so our theme or character for this one is Shockwave and it's a One-Shot.

S: And then our next one is “Worlds Away” by WaywardInsecticon. It's part of the G1 cartoon continuity comic, K+, Gen, no pairings. So the characters? Well it focuses on the Decepticons and there's a few OCS, original characters. So, in summary, “Cybertron, the symbol of the Decepticon cause, is on a collision course with a star. There's a heavy con bias due to the characters involved just as a warning.” So this one, it's been a--quite a long time since I read this one but it's one that I enjoyed and it's part of a series's, actually but you can read it on its own. And part of the reason I included this one was Spacebridge shenanigans, with a “?.” But, it's basically about saving Cybertron which seems relevant to basically what's going on on Cybertron right now. And starving.

O: Fair enough.

S: But it's also complete, and it's one of Wayward’s older works so it’s- I think it's good? But your mileage may vary. And that just about wraps it up for us today. Remember to check out our Tumblr at Afterspark-podcast[.]Tumblr[.]com for any additional information show notes, or links we may have mentioned. You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter @Aftersparkpod, all one word, and SoundCloud and YouTube at Afterspark Podcast. Till next time.

O: This is been Afterspark Podcast.

S:Toodles!

[the-ginger-is-loose-again]

CALL OUT POST

@hufflepuffs-and-hugs this woman has a like of 65 things she hates about herself and 7 things she likes "there aren't 65 things to like" bitch please 1) beautiful straight hair, never fuzzy, how it do that 2) does makeup on herself and others so well 3) the clean roommate 4) willing to do dishes 5) will drive you to class or pick you up of rain 6) casual witchery 7) makes really cool nice smelling soup 8) artistic 9) great fashion sense, particularly in professional wear 10) motivated 11) organized 12) great sense of humor 13) will cook for us 14) logical and level headed 15) good at ice skating 16) keeps car clean, idk how, it's a gift 17) good with kids 18) the best gay 19) would drive in the storm for anyone 20) will cry while reading this (STOP CRYING YOUR ALLERGIC TO YOUR TEARS) 21) is letting me eat the corner brownies of the batch she just made 22) will buy you a thing if you are short on cash and let you pay her back 23) cuddly when tired 24) makes sure you don't die when drunk 25) makes sure others make sure you don't die when drunk if unable to herself 26) will clean up vomit of drunk friends 27) will change a drunk persons clothes (this one wasn't actually me I swear) 28) amazing writing abilities, I can't write a page long easy lay without 3 anxiety attacks and she write 10 page ones in 3 hours flat 29) green thumb 30) introduces cute holiday decorations to the living space 31) 100% salt 32) we r saltmates 33) amazing singer 34) cute eye shape, noticed it while doing makeup, makes cat eyes look really smol and adorbs 35) works that choker 36) crystal/stone/gem expert 37) is graduating college in 3.5 years 38) WHILE DOUBLE MAJORING 39) wants to be a lawyer or a humanitarian aid of some kind 40) such caring, many compassion 41) politically informed 42) sprit animal is an otter 43) has an adorable otter tattoo on her ankle 44) cried at Might Joe Young, so she's def human 45) makes the apartment smell good with essential oils 46) took my owls on the window sill and turned it into an owl shrine 47) my dog loves her, and he's crotchety and old 48) can rap most of the songs from Hamilton and that part in "your welcome" from moana 49) can be relied on to shout "THE WHAT" when you say "consider the coconuts" 50) can be relied on to shout "OR AS WELL LIKE TO CALL IT, THE ONLY WING" when prompted 51) so positive and sweet 52) not overly optimistic, brings the right amount of realism to a situation 53) will write an email to a professor when called upon because of anxiety 54) always down to share food or drive you to food 55) never salty about being dd 56) dat butt doe 57) high gpa, many smart 58) can and will use logic to get her mother to come to an idea, letting her think it was her idea to treat her to something 59) looks really good in glasses 60) has gone to the gym more times this semester than I have in 4 years here 61) hasn't reached the "fuck it I'm good, imma wear this cause I like it" point yet but working on it 62) will emotion paint with you 63) not terrible at math, I know that is number 63 on your list, well number 63 on mine is yes you can count 64) is actual space princess, I find you Alluring 65) hasn't erased that same pun from her board yet, I drew it like 2 months ago 66) will read voltron fanfiction with me, kept me updated on where she was in "Don't break the connection babe" so I could read along with her cackling 67) hasn't judged me for watching beauty and the beast 6 times (she has 4 times, we're all in this together) 68) made us those little rice bags that you use as heating pads, one gryffindor and one owl (that one mine) 69) remember that time... and people yelled through the window .... and we cried laughing ... cause ... yea ... that time 70) forgiving 71) but willing to hold that necessary grudge 72) didn't vote for trump 73) is a manager, such responsible 74) afraid of thunderstorms, probably some kind of self preservation that I should have 75) keeps me from wandering around thunderstorms at 3 am 76) keeps us alive 77) understands depression naps, and won't wake me from one 78) always buys the toilet paper 79) has the goal of making out in front of brother Ross (comes to campus to yell at us about how we r all going to hell and down with gays and shit) and that's a goal of mine as well 80) too gay to function when watching ice skating (I have the pictures to prove this, she's totally in love with one of the US female skaters, it's perf) 81) doesn't judge me for watching murder shows like snapped 24/7 82) knows when to be childish, let me build a blanket fort and keep it for days, living in it with me 83) knows when to be an adult 84) morbid sense of humor 85) her browser history just popped up and she's looking up Ashley wagoner posters on amazon, way too gay to function 86) didn't assume I was kidding when I said I was bi 87) blasts the music in her car without busting your eardrums 88) you can sing a single line and suddenly we r all singing a song from moana right this second as I type 89) keeps Sarah from eating everything in sight, mainly inedible probably toxic things 90) doesn't kinkshame 91) snark for days 92) has same abilities to find lost things as a mom 93) apartment mom 94) beautiful 95) dress for success 96) is driving us to get food 97) has matching bunny ears with me 98) actually locks our door every night, protecting us from murderers 99) always ready to bitch about something 100) will always clap to "I can make your hands clap"

[skarmorydraws]

@tyrantisterror ATOM Create-A-Kaiju Contest Entry #1: Julkath

Date Discovered: December 25th, 1954

Place of Origin: The Glacier Oasis

Notable Stomping Grounds: The Glacier Oasis, The Siberian Monster Zone

Height: 90 feet

Length: 175 feet

Biology: 

Julkath is a gigantic carnivoran, very closely related to all modern cats both wild and domesticated, although some aspects of his anatomy differ from any known modern feline. He has a barrel chest and stocky, muscular limbs rather like a bear, and flexible shoulders and hips, opposable thumbs, and dexterous paws that are disturbingly similar to those of primates. Though Julkath is by no means swift, he makes up for it by being both immensely strong and surprisingly acrobatic. His tail is thicker and more muscular than most cats, allowing it to be used as a prop so he can rear up on his hind legs for prolonged periods; the stability he gains from this tripodal stance, combined with his immense upper body strength, makes him excellent at grappling. Julkath is a much more active combatant than his bulk suggests, however, able to leap and clamber about, using the terrain to his advantage and pouncing from unexpected angles. His fighting moves are actually surprisingly similar to human wrestlers, save for the inclusion of razor-sharp retractable claws and enlarged, uniquely serrated canines. If feeling especially pressured, however, he can also unleash a deafening roar that can rupture eardrums at close range.

Julkath's evolutionary origin is not certain, for although his aforementioned relationship to modern felids certainly can’t be denied, the unusual aspects of his anatomy may be a hint that his ancestors diverged from the lineage millions of years ago. Scientists suspect that he may have evolved from a supposed race of Ice Age feline predators that were likely unusually intelligent and deft of paw even among their own kin, to the point that they would've evolved sapience had it not been for their sudden and mysterious extinction.

His territory is centered around what was once one of the few human settlements in what would become the Siberian Monster Zone, which happened to be close enough to the one nuclear test that the Russians attempted upon the kaiju that inhabited the area and also within proximity of the Yamaneon-rich Glacier Oasis. Despite being heavily fortified against most kaiju attacks, it was unfortunately susceptible to radioactive fallout from the blast and was quickly abandoned after the incident. In the years to follow the town was overtaken by plant life that absorbed the radiation; the animals that also colonized the region were thusly mutated upon consuming the irradiated vegetation, and to this day, the deer, pigs, and goats that live in the area grow much larger than anywhere else on Earth. Julkath himself probably moved in after escaping the Glacier Oasis in the aftermath of the nuclear blast, as the appeal of so many delicious meatbags was probably too tempting to ignore for anything big and strong enough to hunt them. It’s surprising that a super-large predator didn’t appear in the area sooner, as any wolves, bears, and wildcats in the area would certainly have mutated upon exploiting the irradiated herds currently living there; as it is, Julkath is likely the only creature capable of preying on the mutant plant-eaters he lords over, and may thus be the one thing capable of keeping their populations in check.

Julkath sports the standard kaiju set:

Super strength

An enhanced healing factor

Immunity to radiation

Booming Roar

Personality:

Most individuals, be it people or monsters, would be forgiven for believing Julkath to be a horrifying monstrosity, and with his unnatural anatomy and hulking ferocity he certainly looks the part. In truth, the great werecat is more antisocial and jealously protective than outright savage. He is almost defined by his obsessive vigilance over his territory, and utterly refuses to leave the area unless a global threat forces him into action - anything that spells doom for the whole planet certainly spells doom for his turf and food supply as well, after all. His stubborn insistence on remaining where he is makes him far less of a threat to civilization than any giant werecat has any right to be, and his solitary nature makes him much less likely to cooperate with others than most kaiju would appreciate. He’s an curmudgeonly, surly old geezer, and he apparently prefers to keep it that way.

However, observations from a safe distance may hint towards the possibility that his annoyance at basically everything may be a front to a certain extent. Despite being a well-armed colossus of fur, flesh, teeth, and claws, Julkath is still a cat at the end of the day, and far from being the majestic, rampaging terror presented by the media, he prefers to spend most of his free time doing cat things and nothing else. Eighteen hours of sleep, an hour or two of catching a couple of thirty-foot goats or boars, the remaining four or five hours playing with said goats or boars before devouring them, rinse and repeat. If anything, Julkath appears to be the kaiju equivalent of an aloof shepherd, content to keep an eye out on his livestock and simply watch the world go by. Monsters who think they can exploit this would be wise to have second thoughts, however; despite his habit of lazing around all day, it seems that Julkath is in fact keenly aware of the fragile ecological balance between him and his livestock, and that any disruption to it could lead to either the whole area being devastated by overgrazing or the werecat himself starving to death. As such, he will not hesitate to point out that anything that dares to plunder his territory does so at their own peril - more than one bloodthirsty or otherwise malicious kaiju has attempted to slaughter the oversized herd animals for ill-gotten sustenance, only for the furious feline to piledrive them into the dirt before ripping their throats out with his fearsome saber teeth.

First entry, yay! I’m aware that this is somewhat of a derivative entry, but I tried to make it stand out on its own. I hope I succeeded!

Julkath is based on Kal/Slashkal/Kalmorg, TT’s sabertooth monster who got cut from the current draft of ATOM because of difficulties trying to fit him in. I was sad to see Kal excluded from the main plotline, but with the contest allowing for redesigns of scrapped monsters to fit the 50′s/60′s kaiju aesthetic I figured I could jump on the challenge of making him work with the theme of the story. His design takes from the most current iteration of Kal, which basically composites his basis and look with the build of the mammoth kaiju that also got scrapped, for what I’m guessing are similar reasons. It’s a bulky, burly build that I liked a lot and suited the ambush predator nature of sabertooths in general. I always thought Kal looked rather plain even by the standards of ATOM, so I mixed in some lynx and snow leopard to give him a proper “snow cat” look. To make him look less boring I also decided to include aspects of one of Morg’s earlier drafts, wherein he could stand up and use his forepaws like hands. The overall look ended up becoming some kind of werebeast, and I don’t know if it fits as well with the 50′s theme as some of the other ATOM kaiju entries I’ve seen, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t at least partly influenced by the 1942 horror film, Cat People. (Speaking of, the date when Julkath was first sighted is also the date when the original Cat People was released, though the year is the same as when Mastemuth and Glypton also first appeared. ;D)  While I’m still not sure if his design exactly works with the 50′s/60′s sci-fi theme, his backstory certainly does - the fate of his territory is a dual homage to both the abandoned Chernobyl disaster site being overtaken by nature and populated by animals that would be hunted elsewhere, and the concept art for Ray Harryhausen’s proposed adaptation of H.G. Wells’ The Food of the Gods and How It Came to Earth, which sadly never saw the light of day.

Personality-wise, I basically combined aspects of Grumpy Cat (the internet depiction, not Tardar Sauce herself), the tusk cats from Star Wars, and actual cat behavior. Kal was defined entirely by his rivalry with Morg before both got cut, but I always thought that was kinda boring because if two characters exist only to fight each other, that leaves very little room for interactions with anyone else in the story. Julkath doesn’t have a specific arch-nemesis to be defined by, so he’s more akin to that irritable old recluse from too many family media works to count who yells at kids to GIT OFF MAH GODDAMN LAWN.

While his bio doesn’t give it away completely, my imagining for this guy was that as with several other animal groups such as lizards/snakes, fish, long-necked sea tyrants, and insects, Julkath’s ancestors would also have given rise to the magical felines that would have no doubt appeared in the fantasy era of TT’s alternate universe (if TT allows for that sort of thing). Cat monsters are a thing in nearly every continent, and I think it would only make sense to lump all of them into a single family! (I don’t know if this includes manticores and sphinxes too, but that’s for TT to decide.) His name is a portmanteau of two of these kitties in particular: Jólaköttur, the Icelandic Yule Cat, and the source of inspiration for that white spot on his chest, the Nordic Cat Sith.

I don’t know if suitimation or stop-motion would be good ways to bring this guy to life in a hypothetical 50′s film setting, but I can see either of them working pretty well - maybe even dressing up an actual cat and back-projecting it to look big like in The Killer Shrews, if you want to be especially silly.