#but it's just like extreme burnout
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some concept stuff for bloodswap gamzee (bonus: olive karkat)
#lofaf bloodswap#lofaf art#karkat#gamzee#gamzee is still a stoner but its more like extreme gifted child burnout#guy who cracked under the pressure of training to be a legislacerator and just Gives Up#hes very intelligent and even has the capacity to be manipulative but in a very good cop kind of way#olive karkat is a hardcore wilderness survivalist slash doomsday prepper#instead of a cave he lives in an abandoned bunker
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okay i'll bite,,,, but just so you know I am doing these sketches day of with zero preperation..... n e ways... stargazing....
also I re-read maybe I'm not all you thought yesterday (one of my faves) so a little of that too... for sleepover....
#butterfly soup#butterfly soup 2#ppkm#ppkmweek2023#is that the tag? idk idk#the first 'week' i participated in i genuinely thought everyone was making the drawings day of . like fully rendered drawings#so I did that. alas now I am no wiser.#I like how so many people chose stargazing because sleepover is hard to be honest. but I love maybe I'm not all you thought that's my.#favorite ppkm sleepover but I've already drawn it so alas! a different section of the story then#tried to draw them kissing in an industrial dryer yesterday it didn't go over well.#in general none of my drawings have gone over well as of recent. alas I fear I am experiencing extreme art block and burnout#u know I really need to finish roses are red. I re read that one to and it was good! and I just left that poor baby unfinished.#alas#roi draws#roi writes a short novel in the tags
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struggling as an artist when your whole identity is art and you see it as the only thing you know how to do, to then suddenly lose it is so fucking hard. like what am I supposed to do? how do I get it back? who am I if I don't have it? how am I supposed to grow if I don't have the only thing that is me? how do you find it again when you know the path so well yet it doesn't feel right and you're still feeling lost.....
#like its not an art block and is it really a burnout?#i dont think so#HOW DO I ART AGAIN DOT CL#its almost may and i feel like im just not an artist anymore#i try to make art but i feel so mediocre and i feel very little joy out of it.....and yes its probably because life these-#past few months have been so extremely hard and im so lost but ive been through difficult shit all my life and i STILL could make art#why can't i now?#LET ME OUT!! LET ME BE AN ARTIST AGAIN!!!#sorry to say this on main but i...need it...out....
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So, a good friend introduced me to The Northern Passage. I may have repurposed my old Witcher oc and have a soft spot for Lea...
#tnp hunter#the witcher oc's name was nevio#and that's what I've been using#just not sure I'll keep it#anyway hi it's been a minute#burnout and extreme fatigue are whooping my rear end#like I've spent more time asleep than awake#against my will mind you#so January has been a month of forced rest#which was maybe needed#that said this was an excuse to mindlessly paint water and ice#because I've barely touched a canvas this month#ryu art#tnp spoilers#kinda iykyk#blood
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i want the knowledge but to have the knowledge i need to research
#and to research i need energy#(saw unrelated posts about different times in history and got EXTREMELY jealous of other people for Knowing)#i need to make more research masterlists so tbe process is easier for me but also thats hard bc like#but also then ill just have untouched masterlists for forever#<- fool who thought they could do research on the four humours while recovering from burnout and currently has a virtually untouched list#idk how researching is fun for people 😭#it makes me excited once i have everything and can READ my sources#but getting sources stresses me out 😭#i want the knowledge of someone who has devoted their entire lives to one topic but with a lot of topics. at once. and like rn.#bellposting
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hmmm getting hit by another little "being heartbroken about tp ganondorf" moment :)
#ganondorf#tp#twilight princess#thoughts#he's just........... like...........#and him and fucking ZANT together what a toxic shitshow you guys#extremely repressed psychosis + terminal stage of burnout sure is the combo of all times#both fueled by revenge resentment bitterness and hatred in their own special way <3#I'd eat fanfic that dissect these two being codependant and horrible and untreated open wounds prancing around in hyrule#making it everyone else's problem :)#ganondorf being the most callous god-complexed heartless bitch that will destroy everyone and then himself if you breathe at him wrong#because if he stops to move and reflect on everything he will literally implode probably#and zant really really reaaaaally having it under control and never ever once threatening to fucking lose it terminally <3#holding on to the.... “god” he found for his sense of worth and power and stability (mega lol your man is in shambles zant sorry) going lik#“can we keep the weird angry god from the light world I picked up from the sidewalk midna? no?? okay :D *coups the twilight realm* ”#I used to not get this relationship conceptually or why people shipped it. I get it now.#awful awful time for everybody involved 10/10#not even getting into the Mega Divorce because wow#but seriously it's genuinely sad that two men who were *severely* wronged by fate and gods ended up being each other's undoing#because they were too.... toxic and fucked up to be anything but toxic and fucked up about it#queer infighting :(#girls hurting girls :(#SORRY about the novel in the tags I am unbearably like this everytime :((((
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you ever feel trapped? like you’re just treading water, waiting to drown?
#OFMD#had to channel my inner ed because i just shdklsjdhks#jodi's no good very cranky day#here's the tea sis#i left a comfortable yet somewhat annoying job for a job that is currently VERY annoying and distressing#annnnddd i'm feeling that PARTICULARLY hard today#it also doesn't help that part of that stress feels like it's coming from neurodivergent burnout/issues and that can't be like#easily ~*~Explained~*~ to people#like the lack of structure/communication/transparency is driving me BANANAS because i very much need stability/cut and dry processes#annnnnd upper management is supposed to be fixing that#but it seems like they're making it Even Worse#so it just feels extremely overwhelming right now#and i can also feel everyone ELSE'S stress??#and it seems to be upping my own because yaaaaayyy empathy (derogatory)#IDK man sorry I don't normally vent#But my health is starting to get affected by all of this l m a o#And the thought of having to uproot AGAIN if it doesn't improve is just#I feel like it's an unending loop of going from job to job to job where the spaces are toxic and no one communicates and>#<efforts are not respected#Soooo I'm just gnawing on my arm and wishing I very much could ZOOM AWAY ON A PIRATE SHIP SHDKLS
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does anyone know where one can learn python for free lol or have any insight into if coding is even something that isn’t impossibly hard to learn unless ur a computer whiz I :((((
#esp for a girlie w extreme burnout#like I need to change careers but idk what to do#im scared coding is hard and i won’t be any good at it#I just like I just want a job that won’t ruin my mental sigh
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I SWEAR I KEEP TRYING TO DO ART BUT THEN SOMETHING GETS IN THE WAY AND THEN I PROCRASTINATE AND THEN SIX MONTHS PASS
#this has been happening for like TWO YEARS BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I AM TRYING.#my usual art motivation (my webcomic idea) has been put on hold for a bit and because of that i forgort... everything#my will to draw specifically#but in my defense i have been writing k*arlach / oc indulgences and i've been VERY focused on finishing it#i also got a marketing manager (my friend <3) to help with advertising my comms and stuff so uh... look forward 2 that#i might need to start posting all of my art on a sideblog so she doesn't have to log into my main though#so there might be some changes#but i promise i want to do art!!!! but there's always something to do first and then months pass :(#or i get the urge to draw and then life is like ''have a cancer scare'' lmao...#(ended up being cancerous actually </3 but because it's skin stuff it was easy to remove)#(but that really took the piss out of me for most of july... not to mention that ffxiv released a new expansion and i have been...#having a good time with my new friends doing content and stuff!) i also made a friend irl after like 3-4 years of total isolation#we feed ants and watch them move around together and comment on their behaviour patterns...#but like when i say this takes literal hours.#we just sit out there and talk about random shit and watch ants walk across the floor. both of us hate ants btw.#like we don't like having them ON us so it's a bit like playing with fire.#but anyways yeah i've also been really low energy recently too bc of the heat and burnout from college...#but the good news is that i'm transferring in fall to a much more relaxing college & courseload!#i'm hoping it'll stop me from feeling so... awful ?? i guess ??#like i was taking classes i didn't need to that were really difficult & punishing#not to mention extremely boring & hard to pay attention to when dealing with literally anything. i did not want to be there.#my next college is much more interest-oriented so i will finally be able to take classes i want to and learn from them...!#and then maybe i will feel a bit more in control of my life / more encouraged to draw#anyways thank u for reading my ramble. hoping it all comes together soon.#i need to do a lot of work but most of it is so i can sell commissions again#but once the karlach fic is done we're so back on the webcomic train !!!!!!!!
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You’d think that with all this bike riding and lifting children off the floor that I’d be even more hungry, but no; I have the appetite of a little tiny bird???? The fuck
I don’t like it
#Maybe the bike riding is jostling my stomach too much… if my stomach is jostled I don’t want to eat#Or it could be the ADHD meds#idfk at this point#like yeah technically I’m hungry and know I need food but I don’t feel like eating. I’d just rather not. It’s weird#because I used to be the opposite: I wasn’t really hungry but I’d just keep eating until I got sick#eating mention#appetite mention#Maybe I’ve just been eating too much all my life.#Because the only two times I’ve had serious nausea or gas pains was after I ate the amount of food I used to eat#And it’s not like I’ve lost any energy; if anything I’ve gained some energy#(not right now because I stayed up until 12:30 AM after riding and walking 9.3 miles total— on my feet all day long)#I used to eat a LOT; like a 6’5” 400 pound lumberjack or something#uh Paul Bunyan type portions… like a big BIG man#of course I’m 5’4” with kind of a slight build so that was always very weird to me that I was able to do that#How I am now makes more sense; but at the same time I don’t like being like this at all#Because I’ll inevitably go from “slight” to “sickly” and I would really like to continue fitting into my pants#because pants are expensive and it’s extremely hard to find ones that are of good quality and feel comfortable#food discussion#food tw#weight mention#Here I am telling the kids “You need to eat! Take a bite!” and then I get home and act like a total fucking hypocrite#Maybe it’s burnout
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...
#ay. looking forward to the future when im back in therapy#like i dont feel terrible rn. i dont exactly kno how to describe it. i feel like ive been tossed up onto the shore of a desert island#after a big storm. like im still lying facedown in the sand bc i dont kno what to do when i stand up#i guess im just still sitting in the desolation of 2yrs of burnout and i kno that things need to change but i dont kno#quite how to manage it. bc the thing abt me is that i have ambiguous handwave undiagnosed obsessive compulsive behaviors#and its like every. everything i do is. like its structure to the extreme. i have to do these things because. because why? idk just because#so im like ok i have to change things so i adjust to the change and the structure just becomes rigid again. the cage changes shape but the#volume stays the same. and its hard bc i cant run rn so its like i cant expell my frustration and its a compulsion i cant fulfill and its#constantly in my head. im also just tired. ive been sleeping more than usual and idk y. like i dont feel that depressed but i guess i do#feel bored and pointless bc im just doing computer stuff rn. and i also just feel like my brain is cloudy#like learning is a thing i like to do but im not allowed to spend time reading papers bc i have to draw bc thats the structure#but i want to learn abt those specific topics and i just feel like my brain is full of holes#like its a very specific feeling. like back after i 1st finished my masters i was taking carbon measuments bc thats#like the most useful thing for me to do in tbus lab but it destroys my brain and then my boss was training me in some culture isolation#stuff that i liked a lot and was more aligned with my interests but i hit this wall where my Brain was like ur not allowed to do that#anymore so i make the choice to let the project go and just do what was useful. idk y i did that but i do it all thr time. idk its just hard#when like everything feels so boring and bleak all the time but with this little glimmers of specialness that im not allowed to reach for#ugh. its just the hormones. bc it's becoming very clear i have high and low moods associated with hormone shifts. and the obsessive#compulsive behaviors. those r just ambient but at time exacerbated by the shifts#unrelated#also participating in trivia stuff triggers me feeling dumb lmao but idk i dont usually memorize facts. i usually go for vibes and like what#do u build with what youve learned. like who gives a fuck if u kno a set of facts if u dont do anything with that info#but thats just me being defensive bc i have a foggy brain full of holes
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Very fun to be an dormant Homestuck in 2023. We saw a post with an aside about the mid-to-highblood bias present in the fandom and we took a moment to think "wait, what?" before remembering how much people posted about Mallek, Lanque, and Marvus. Obviously no one asked our opinion on the matter but we think that a lot of the bias here may just be because fandom people will jump at any vaguely conventionally attractive male character who can say something angsty, and we don't see 99% of this effect because we rapidly get fatigued with any character who is overly present in the fandom and any ship that has overrepresentation in the sample size and start blocking tags.
Very highly effective approach, admittedly, but it leaves us a bit out of the loop. We only really start encountering Issues with that approach in smaller fandoms when blocking any given popular ship will instantly shrink our mutual circle to Just Us and maybe, like, one guy who we dragged in here ourself, so we have to relax blocking standards somewhat and just make it "blocked for a week" or something similar.
#we speak#whenever we decide to revisit homestuck ao3 we just block the entire first block of Popular Ships#we have not seen a da vekat fic in years and this is vital for not burning out our tolerance of Them Interacting At All#we are censoring that tag so it does not appear in their ship tag also#we still have the mar vus tag blocked. we know this bc we have one specific clown mutual who likes him and will reblog him sometimes#but its been like a year since we've seen mal lek or lan que in anything and we like it that way#this has also made our character preferences skew like. OVERWHELMINGLY to woman and enbies over time#because fandom as a whole is EXTREMELY prone to focusing on men and setting anyone who is Not A Men as a background character#which results in a weird little loop where we'll get into something and get burnt out on like. Every Guy within a week#simply due to the sheer oversaturation That One Guy has#and then we only get time to recover on the saturation of Random Gals bc of the trends falling towards Just Men and nothing else#and then our Characters We Like portfolio ends up being like. five women used as background characters and one enby#sometimes we will also pick up a guy who gets villainized by like half the fandom or a popular character where the popular takes suck#but like. it's almost all background characters you see what we mean. we're a home for random blorbos that no one pays attention to#because in order to get into Actually Liking A Character Enough For Them To Hit Heavy Rotation#a high concentration of fans is like. an active detriment bc we'll get burnt out on them#and if people talk about them Too Much to the extent that theyre unavoidable then we will inevitably start to dislike them#we are but a simple beast and if we don't get recovery time we begin to run into Issues with random things & tropes#and then our recovery time once we've hit burnout is like. months to years#anyways this is a long tag ramble but generally if we spend the time to explore a character and figure them out we'll enjoy them in some wa#with the major caveat that if theyre Too Popular we may dislike them regardless#and the way that they're framed both inside and outside of the original narrative can heavily influence us if we run into it too often#bianca and jaune are utterly facinating characters who work with a set of tropes we would LOVE to do justice to#but unfortunately people who like bianca and jaune are the kind of people who think they did nothing wrong#so we can't just like. Talk About Them And Whats Going On There#without running face first into people that genuinely believe theyre a Good And Loving Family Who've Done Nothing Wrong In Their Lives#but we feel a lot like if we go into depicting them without making “THIS IS IN FACT BAD” incredibly blatantly obvious#that we will begin running into people who DO NOT have the prerequisite knowledge and will take it WAY off from intended
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for people who do not have rbf pls for the love of god do not take those who have rbf to heart
#tw vent#sorry skxnisks#if i had a dollar for every time#someone got butthurt over mine#id be rich#im not mad or angry or hateful its just my face#you can TELL when im mad/fed up/annoyed#as someone who is in autistic burnout#it is *extremely* hard to put in a happy face for every person i come across in a day#on*#which is a lot btw#it also makes it harder for me to learn how to unmask#bc being told 'someone like you has no right working in this business'#when i wasn't even being rude to begin with#is so mean and just makes me continue to think people will not like who i am when i present my actual self#next time someone makes a comment im deadass just gonna respond with#'im sorry my autism bothers you 🤷♀️'#and leave it at that
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hi recently i've been having some kind of extreme executive dysfunction when it comes to like. being in the world and in contact with people :/ sorry that i am an abyss. but i want to try clawing out this weekend & really attempt to upload the tg fic and stuff to ao3 (which i started but could not finish in 30 days so ao3 deleted it from my drafts 💀) anyway in the meantime i've been really into zelink and botw/totk so if you want to read that it's here and i guess i'll probably....make....separate posts for the fic too??? oh my god the internet is so different since i was here last lakjsdklasjdkajsd but i want to try tumblr again because. literally everything else is in flames.😭😩😭😩😭😩
#also it's probably just extreme burnout from my job that eats me alive#and just feeling sad about like. the economy#please.....i hate selling my labor#but anyway this is not that serious i'm sure everything will be like. fine#mine
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becoming a youtuber wasn’t on my 2022 bingo card but ya know...desperate times call for desperate measures /j
#i may or may not be publishing my first video tomorrow aaa#no but from...2022 being extremely vampiric and homoerotic#to me dropping out of uni because of severe burnout and depression#to me being like youtube could be fun...#none of this was part of the plan what happened#also yes i know i said 'desperate times call for desperate measures'#but no shade to youtubers or influencers or internet ppl in general#i think it's a very cool thing#i've prepared a few videos and it's very hard but also very fun#it's just. i never expected to take that route myself ya know#place bets how long until i get bored of this lmao#because that's also very likely. maybe i'll quit after two weeks#nika rambles
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...
#extremely upsetting that my dissertation has not magically finished itself#and that bouncing back from burnout will continue to require actual effort and discipline on my part#and that time is real and continues to pass even when I get distracted or caught up in other stuff#really just rude and unfair to me personally#dissertation blogging#(side note: if any mutuals ever feel like trying some co-working or goal-setting/accountability sessions or days with me for writing#or any other sort of work let me know! I've found it shockingly helpful more often than not!)
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