#but its his upbringing thats the biggest issue for me

[lostinatrainofthoughts]

Girlies im here to update on my tinder adventures. i had my 2nd call with another tinder dude. It lasted two hours 😃

Hes okay! But maybe i am picky dear Allah please so help me but theres just something about him that gives me the ick. Well not ick but like eh... he might not be the one.

heavy smoker: wont smoke in front of me out of courtesy but doesnt believe the science that inhaling toxin can legit kill you all bcause his grandma whos also a heavy smoker died of something else and not cancer. Like he doesnt care about the consequences at all.

2. privileged af and so ignorant about it: hes travelled once for a month last dec and will be traveling again THRICE this yr and he thinks that going for umrah is not a vacation/“travelling” bc its a spiritual journey like do you hear yourself and how in your bubble you are. Anything thats going out of the country for something thats not work AND going for a peace of mind is VACATION. his mom shops for branded stuff and he gets bored waiting around and sitting inside the store. Like some of us wouldnt even dream of stepping in. and i told him honestly, do you know how privileged you sound (entitled actually) and he said what do you mean?? and I'm like most people don't get to experience going out like that. and he was like yeah I'm thankful, grateful. mmm......

3. mansplainer (biggest ICK): he said hed bring me outdoors and i told him i cant and i dont like it and he said that he will force me but will bring an umbrella. Then i told him i have eczema and he gaslit me saying IT CANT BE THAT BAD. HIS EX HAD IT WORSE IT WAS SEVERE And i was so pissed. And so i said. Well. I had been admitted three fucking times for it and was on 4 different medications for it and going to biweekly appointments and blood tests and so i said im SURE. CERTAIN that i have it MUCH WORSE than your ex. he did not spare me a breath and came up with his own conclusion. also he says that eczema HAS A CURE. HES CERTAIN OF IT. bc he's saw it in his ex. and I'm like ............................ i had it since i was a baby. the fuck you mean there's a cure. there are treatments for it okay but not cure. i hate when people who don't have eczema say nonsense like that.

Which brings me to point no. 3: religious. Nothing nothing NOTHING wrong with someone who’s religious, i am a practicing muslim. I pray 5 times a day and i value my relationship with god too. But what i dont like is how he pushes his personal religious values or agenda onto me like i dont know shit. Your relationship with god, and my relationship with god is no ones business, its your own so dont try to police how i do it with god. Like i told him i “had” to quickly pray before calling him. And he stopped me saying i shouldnt say “had to” bc that would mean being forced/its an obligation so i have to change that bc “context is everything”. Like its something to fix. i really HAD to make it quick or else i wouldnt know what time i'd be praying.

4. With that being said, he is also homo/phobic..................... well yes and no? i don't know. he said he doesn't want to talk about it bc its controversial and he is against t/rans ppl and its changing the essence of what god has created for you. i just don't like that argument because . if there's one thing you cant change about me, it's my morals.

5. hes so into himself that he was basically pitching himself like a project. but ok, its my fault, i asked. but was there any reciprocation? did he ask me back about me? not really. i found myself having to jump in and add in what i had to say. he would say things like, I've been through a lot, you have no idea. and I'm like don't we all??? you arent the only one whos experienced the lows of life. you arent the only one who had a hard time.

6. his approaching his 30s and he treats me like I'm a kid bc I'm 26? "oh huwaina you still so young. when the pandemic hit, it was like 3 fucking years of my youth taken away from me now I'm almost 30" and i jumped in and said like "yeah me too" and he was like "no, I've already reached 30, there's no more 20s for me but you do. you still have time to experience things and enjoy life. i was 21, 22, 23 when covid happened i felt like i didn't experience the life i was supposed to at my early 20s. also does life end at 30 ladies and gents? he keeps telling me how gen z i am, and I'm like okay????????????

7. HES NOT GOOD LOOKING IM SORRY I SWIPED BC HE SEEMED LIKE HE HAD PERSONALITY 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

one of my batfam hot takes is that alfred having a very kind and understanding grandfather-like role is a boring spin on the character and lacks a lot of nuance around his backstory.

like he is a classically trained british butler which means he very likely comes from a working class family. and like, as a working class brit myself, i sometimes find the kindly, well-mannered grandfather thing grating because, a lot of white, working class men his age are unfortunately not nice people. some of them are like my great grandad was a really great guy, but hes really the only one i know who is or was not awful.

because their generation werent as exactly raised with ideals about mental health and emotional regulation. a lot of them were traumatised due to ww2 either because they saw it firsthand when they were like 15, they were old enough to remember things like rationing and the blitz, and a lot of them lost their dads in the war.

i dont expect american writers to understand how much ww2 affected britain (modern britain is still so steeped in it, its insane) and that generation specifically, BUT id love to see that explored more with alfred. like depending on where he grew up, he would likely have been separated from his family during the blitz and sent off to the countryside like most of the kids in cities were, (this is how narnia starts) and like, a lot of them were horrifically abused or used as free labour. a lot of them also lost parents and never got to say goodbye to them. many came back to destroyed homes. some kids also remained in the city or their parents requested them back so theyd experience the blitz first hand and would know the sign of air raid siren meant they might die that night.

you can see how a lot of that generation were permanently scarred. and for a few decades now, alfred would have been part of that generation.

plus he was also a secret service officer which is just like more opportunities to be traumatised and more reason for him to not be this gentle old man whos in touch with his emotions.

and like, as a classically trained butler, he would likely be more reserved because you know, thats how he was trained. also british men that age would also likely be very hands off in regards to emotions.

but the biggest reason as to why the gentle, kind grandfather take doesnt really make sense is that he raised bruce wayne.

like bruce has a whole slew of emotional issues and problems, and obviously some of that is going to come from alfred raising him because you know, thats kinda how that works. i know a lot of batfam folks want bruce to be this great dad, so i guess their take on alfred fits that, but canonically, bruce wayne is an emotional mess and not the best father figure at the best of times.

you cannot look at that bruce wayne and tell me alfred did a good job.

listen, this shouldn't even be a hot take. it's just an opinion that differs from the most popular interpretation of Alfred as an endlessly giving grandmotherly old man.

the thing about Alfred is that more than anything you have to recognize that he's an enabler. and I love the man to pieces, but at absolute best he was extremely negligent in Bruce's upbringing, if not actively encouraging the world's worst coping mechanisms.

I hate to give Gotham credit for anything, especially when it comes to Alfred since I hate their Alfred, but the show was bang on in its insistence from day one that Alfred should not have been Bruce's primary guardian. it's painful to watch how often Alfred encourages Bruce to tough it out and suck it up, and it never really stops. in one of the latter seasons (four, I think) he hits Bruce hard enough to give him a black eye during an argument, and this is ultimately written as a situation in which Bruce needs to apologize to Alfred for being a bratty teenager, rather than Alfred owing Bruce an apology for hitting him when he's a grief-stricken teenage boy cracking under stress.

and like, listen, I understand there are Watsonian and Doylist layers to this. Alfred fundamentally can't have been a good enough guardian to stop Bruce from channeling his trauma into fursuit vigilantism, because then there's no story. I get it.

but jesus christ.

I don't think characterizations of Alfred as a stoic caregiver are wrong, but I do think people don't want to think about how he got there. when I see the aged Alfred patching up Bruce's wounds and nagging him to eat, or doing his best to offer advice to the kids who have gotten mixed up in Bruce's crusade, I see a man who realized a long time ago that he dropped the fucking ball and has dedicated his life to doing as much damage control as possible. okay, so, completely failed step one (raise a well-adjusted child). can we at least make sure that this basket case adult man doesn't go completely over the edge? can we make sure he doesn't become a killer? can we encourage him to take off the mask and be Bruce Wayne sometimes? can we keep the children safe?

I do think Alfred loves all of them, for whatever its worth. his care for Bruce is real, that is his son, the Batgirls and Robins are his extended family. he'll cook their uneaten meals and clean the entire, massive house himself and stitch them up every night forever. he would die for them. hell, he'd kill for them. he loves them. but none of that means he raised Bruce right.

that's kind of the thing I like most about the Bats: they all care so, so much. but the way they love is terrible.

[shibaraki]

Holy shit your fic was so well written, im all in for the whole story, it really shows that you wanted to work on the plot as a whole and you really laid the groundwork perfectly with that first chapter. Also Bakugo not knowing how to show his affections outside of the bedroom where its just the two of them is so cute. Obvs not great but he's this big strong man with a whole ass dragon and everything but he gets all shy, gaaaaaaaah. Cant wait to read the rest!

GAH YESSS !!! honestly with bakugo the issue is that he hasn't got a clue! it isn't that he only shows his affections though sex -- we see a little of it in how he leaves her thoughtful gifts and he sleeps in her bed and gives her awkward affections whenever their paths cross. biggest of all is that he lets reader make their own choices, which she is completely blind to, the same way he is blind to how isolated and confused she feels. because he genuinely sees her an an equal, it never crosses his mind that we might feel compelled to be subservient to him, or waiting for a purpose. thats just not how his brain works. he's bakugo katsuki!!!! he makes and takes his own purpose!

so it is a matter of upbringing and culture, ultimately! *clenches fist* it's the miscommunication!! he's a little emotionally constipated yes but his model of marriage comes from his parents and surroundings the same way many others do. the same way readers do! and for reader, being a wife has never been synonymous with being an equal. worse, actually. and it doesn't help that she was used as a political tool either alksjdfljk

aaahh OK I'M SO SORRY I rambled a bit there, thank you very very much (ɔˆз(ˆ⌣ˆc) for reading and for taking the time to send me some love. it is my first attempt at building an entire world from scratch! I didn't expect it would be perfect, but I atleast wanted it to be natural, so that is such a huge relief to hear!!!! I'm super happy you're enjoying it thus far!

[sortagaysortahigh]

You guys know whats fucking crazy.

Im about to be the biggest simp ever for like ten minutes. So you can scrolly scroll if you want to

But like ive spent my entire fucking life finding people who love me the way i love them-platonically that is. Like romantically its never worked out and Ive always been a pessimistic bitch about romantic relationships because theyve just never worked in my favor.

And i realized how irrational that honestly is bc im like 20 and I havent even met the person Im gonna spend the rest of my life with yet-or maybe I have-who knows. Ive met my platonic soulmates and id fight an entire city of republicans for them, but like I never really thought that in a romantic sense someone would love me the way i love them. Or like someone would make me feel genuinely loved, but thats not true.

I found someone-or maybe he found me who the fuck knows-that randomly holds my hand in public places when he hates PDA, someone that lets me play w his hair and explained an entire hair routine to me, someone who picks me up at 1am when im crying because he just wants to make me feel a little bit better, someone that I like falling asleep and waking up next to, someone who remembers the smallest facts about me and randomly brings them up, someone who constantly reminds me that im enough, and thats so fucking crazy to me.

This is a guy ive known for less than a year and a half and somehow he makes me feel like I deserve to be loved which is so wild because if you know me then you know that i have the worst commitment issues in the world bc of my shitty upbringing. Like sure we fight sometimes, and we definitely argue like assholes but its like that never lasts, im never really mad at him. Its like seeing a rainbow after a storm because the storm eventually passes.

Like a man who constantly listens to me when I rant, someone who sits and gossips with me about work drama or school drama or even friend drama, like we’re two old people at brunch judging everyone. He sits on the floor with me when im upset about something just so we can both stare at the ceiling in silence. He holds my fucking pinky with his in public when he doesnt wanna be too touchy and like bitch is this a fucking fanfic because the feelings that this man makes me feel are so fucking foreign to me.

Find someone who remembers all of your weird ass favorite food combinations, who laughs at your sarcastic comments and constantly matches your energy. Someone you cant stay mad at because somehow you always work shit out. Like that person is out there and you might have to wait-but for fucks sake its so worth it.

Even if it doesn’t work out-or if it does, the way that im gonna be forever grateful to have experienced this fucking annoying ass bruins fan that makes me feel loved. This is the first fucking person thats ever made me feel loved and that loves me for me and its just fucking insane to me how i got to this point.

Okay im done being a simp now

[spootiliousrps]

Suspicious Nature Part 14

[Start] // [Previous] // [Next]

WARNING: There is Stuff in this part....

Dean nodded. “I know Cas. God, I know. But if we can work on the biggest problems, then maybe it’ll be less to handle.” He suggested.

“There’s nothing to do right now, Dean.” Cas sighed softly, sinking into the warm water a bit more, enjoying the way it was working out some of his soreness. “You can’t help me wrap my head around marriage when I have never considered it, or make me feel comfortable in a room full of people who know what I am… Or even the fact that I am no longer Knight Commander. These things just are what they are… I just have to come to terms with that… even if I don’t know how.” He explained, glancing away. 

“How did you come to terms of being an Alpha before?” Dean asked softly. “The way that I acclimatised, was to find somewhere peaceful and calm and sit or walk and think.” He explained. “That’s what I was doing when I saw you on the hilltops. I was taking a breather to think things through. You should do the same.” He offered.

“I didn’t have to come to terms with it.” Cas explained. “I despised being an Omega, hated it with every fiber of my being. So, being an Alpha was easy.” He shrugged. “I can try it…” He offered with a sigh. “Though its not like I can walk around freely in heat at the moment.”

“No Cas, but afterwards, I’ll show you a small pond in the castle grounds, it’s only for the royalty to use. So I’d you’d prefer to swim you can do.” Dean offered softly.

Embarrassment flooded the Omega as he flushed a bit. “I… don’t know how to swim.” He managed in a soft whisper that was barely audible. 

Dean hummed, “I can teach you, if you’d like.” He offered. “If you get pregnant, then I’ve heard Omegas like to swim as it takes the weight off their bodies.” He explained softly.

“I suppose thats not a bad idea.” Cas sighed softly before shifting to curl against Dean’s chest reaching for the soap and rubbing it against his Alpha’s skin in a lazy affectionate motion.

Dean hummed, holding Cas loosely. “Is anything a good idea?” He asked softly.

“I would argue that taking that arrow was but I suppose you would disagree.” He pointed out as he left a trail of suds along Dean’s bicep. 

Dean hummed. “I mean that I suggest?” He asked softly. “Is anything I suggest a good idea?”

 Cas seemed to consider it a moment. "Occasionally." He teased lightly.

 “Oh yeah? Like when?” Dean asked, kissing Cas’ nose softly.

"Like..." Cas offered as he considered it. "Like when you suggested bottoming."  He teased. "Or... Swimming lessons."

 “Oh,” Dean sighed, his shoulders slumping. “Okay.”

 Cas' brows furrowed at the response as he pulled back just far enough to look at the Alpha. "You dont think they were good ideas?" He asked curiously.

 “I didn’t say that.” Dean sighed. “But if they’re the only good things I’ve suggested then how the hell do you expect us to marry and bring up children?” He asks.

 "Dean," Cas grumbled with a huff. "I was joking. Most of your ideas are good."

 Dean sighed and rolled his eyes. “Sure. Thanks.”

  "Why are you so upset? How the hell are we suppose to marry if you cant take a joke?" He countered playfully using Dean's own words against him in an affectionate manner.

 “Why am I upset? Why can’t you ever be nice?” Dean asked, no humour or joy in his voice.

 Cas' face fell. "Me? I teased you and you practically resended your proposal. Forgive me if I prefer not to be stiff necked for every second of everyday so that you dont get offended." He replied in the same tone.

 “There’s a time and a place for teasing.” Dean hummed. “But when you do it constantly about anything slightly personal it is hard to know when you are being serious.” He shook his head. “Is this the type of Queen you’re going to be? Teasing and not being respectful in public?”

 "Stop it." Cas warned in a stern voice as he straightened. "Dont start that again. If you dont want be to be Queen then fine but you dont get to guilt trip me. You know full well I would not treat you the same in public. I know what is proper and what is not. I will not have you hanging that guilt or shame over my head. If I were to be Queen then I would be a damn good one that you and anyone else would be lucky to have. Now if I've insulted you by my playfulness I'm sorry, I didnt mean to, and I will do what I can to make amends but if I cant be open and honest in private with the man I am considering marrying... the man who is currently knotted inside me, then when is the 'proper time and place'?" He asked evenly. "Because from where I'm sitting it looks like you're just being an assbutt by trying to make me feel bad for trying to make you laugh... trying to get you to relax... to be happy for once." He paused glancing away as he grumbled under his breath. "If youd ever allow yourself to be."

“Sure you can be open and honest in private, but I haven’t seen that yet.” Dean frowned, his stern voice matching Cas’. “I would love the day for you to be open and honest with me about someone outside of work, but each time I ask something personal I get, ‘I liked your idea of you bottoming.’ What the hell? I wanted to know what you like and didn’t like so I could improve and you just shove that in my face. I want to be better. But you just laugh and say I’m an assbutt.” Dean shook his head. “Have you ever considered that making everything a fucking joke is being an assbutt? Maybe you could be like that with your soldiers, or you’ve just hung around your brother for way too long. I don’t know. But know everything has to a joke. And if it is a juke, maybe crack some that aren’t constantly targeted at how crap I am.”

Cas’ brows furrowed, tears welling up in his eyes at the words, wanting to run but knowing he couldn’t. “First off…” He managed, voice cracking just slightly as he tried to reign himself in. Still, his words were barely above a whisper. “I said I wanted to please you… you were the one that suggested bottoming.” He pointed out softly, suddenly very insecure as he averted his gaze. “What did you want me to say, Dean? ‘I don’t know what I like because the only time I ever had sex with an Alpha he was three times my age, took what he wanted and didn’t give a damn about me?’ Is that what you wanted to hear?” He asked, voice moving to a more reasonable level as the tears started. “Is it Dean? You want to hear about the fact that I can’t stand among a crowd because the thought of being touched makes me physically ill? Or how about the fact that you are the only Alpha I have ever trusted enough to allow to even try to have sex with and didn’t want to ruin it by bringing up the fact that I’m a disgusting Omega that has allowed himself to be violated and ruined in such away so didn’t bring it up? Is that better? Is that the honesty you wanted to hear? I use teasing to hide my insecurity and disgust with myself; that is not a crime. As for telling you how crap of a person you are, I haven’t since the night we set our boundaries. You asked for good ideas I didn’t say those were the only ones. I was trying to make you laugh.  You want to hear something thats not a joke? Fine. You took everything from me including my dignity and yet instead of hating you I shared my heat with you and loved you and now you’re degrading me and telling me how shit of a Queen I’d be. I might be in the wrong for thinking I might deserve happiness but I’m not the only one whose wrong.” He countered, wiping furiously at the tears streaming down his face. 

“Now whose guilt tripping?” Dean tutted before taking a deep breath to calm himself, “I forgot you are the only one allowed to have a bad upbringing. I forgot that my past doesn’t count. My past where I had to help my father hurt my mother at the age of six. Do you really want to know why I don’t find jokes funny?” He asked, he took Cas’ hand and ran it down his left side, over him ribs and the five scars adorning them. “After mother died I took over looking after Sammy, I would try to make him laugh to stop him from crying. Whenever our father found out he would add a cut to my side. Every time I made a joke in front of my father I would be punished, so maybe I don’t find jokes funny. Maybe getting attacked for making your baby brother laugh does that.” Dean rolled his eyes. “You speak as if you know everything about me and my family, did you know that every Omega that asks for help during their heat must have a background check? Every night my father would bring home at least three Omegas, and have his way with them before casting them out of the palace before the sun rose. Did you know I’ve found at least ten step siblings because of this?” Dean asked. “All that work I was doing when you first met, all that paperwork that I said my father should have done? That was financial aide for the families that he touched. But no, please speak to me as if you know everything about my family and about me.” Dean hummed, turning his head away.

 Cas yanked his hand away. "Dont touch me." He grumbled. "I didnt say anything about your family." He pointed out. "I never made light about your problems. You act as if I'm suppose to just know about these things. You punish me for your problems. I dont know these things I've never claimed to and I've never acted like I have. I don't know where your getting that. I never said your problems dont matter. I dont know why you keep accusing me of these things that don't even make sense, Dean.... I do know one thing... your issues do not make mine any less important and mind dont make yours so stop treating me like they should. I want to help you with yours but I'm not going to sit here and be berated for my own. I'm starting to feel like you intentionally wait until we start to have something nice and good and comfortable to throw it all up in my face and accuse me of all these things when I've done nothing wrong. You always say I act like I know everything about your family or that I dont care or I am the only one allowed to have problems. I dont know, I do care, and my problems are just as important as yours. So, get some new material if you're going to keep doing this because I'm really tired of fighting over the same thing. We've known each other for a few weeks, I /dont/ know enough about you and I know it... but I shouldnt be punished for it. And for the record, you act as if you know everything about me as well... like I should be grateful just being in your presence... like I should bend over backwards everything you wave your hand. Well, I wont and if you cant handle that then maybe your right... I would make a horrible Queen."

 Cas pinched the bridge if his nose in exasperation as he took a deep breath to try and calm himself. "Dean... Look... I'm sorry about what happened... I'm sorry about your Father... Your mother... the other Omegas... what can I do to help? How can I help you be happy? That's all I have been trying to do... just make you happy."

Dean sighed, “All I want is for you to be truthful. I don’t want teasing, I don’t understand what’s truthful and what’s a joke.” He said softly. “That’s all I want, I want to be better but I don’t know how to when you simply refuse to help.”

“I’m not refusing to help, Dean…” Cas sighed softly, obviously distressed and tired but no longer defensive as his shoulders slumped. “Quite the opposite. Teasing is a way of showing affection and I can promise you if we do have pups, it is a language they will learn whether it is from me… or Gabriel… or some other playmates.” He pointed out. “I rather you not snap at them like you snap at me when I do it.” He added with a sigh. “Surely we can compromise on this…” He offered as he considered it. “I can try to tease less and when I do tease I can point out what I’m saying that is teasing and add what I really mean.” He offered. “If you’ll try and accept that form of affection?” He offered. 

“You’re so certain of everything, why do I even play King? You could just do it yourself.” Dean sighed and rolled his eyes. “You could try to just be trustful at least one time I ask you something.”

“Dean…” Cas sighed softly. “You’re doing it again.” He pointed out. “You’re pushing me away when I’m just trying to help.” He pointed out. “I’m being calm and offering to compromise and your shutting me out… Please don’t.” He urged softly. “I’ll give you an example, alright?” He asked, not bothering to wait for an answer. “You asked when you had a good idea… I said ‘ Occasionally: Bottoming and swimming lessons’ I was teasing.” He clarified. “I think you’re brilliant. The way you handled Singer… Azra’il… everything… You have very few bad ideas, in my opinion.” He offered. “I offer my opinions always, Dean… They are not fact. My /opinion/ is that if we have pups they will learn to tease. Thats it… its just my opinion… You are the one to believe I am trying to state it as a fact. Others are allowed to have an opinion Dean… most do and very rarely will they allign with your own… it is human nature… To grow angry at them for it… Can cause you undue stress Dean… And again this is just my opinion.” He clarified, raising his hands in surrender. 

“Oh yes because opinions start with ‘I can promise you,’.” Dean shook his head. “Don’t be so fucking contradictory. You act like you know more, you’ve seen more. You act like I’m just some... /assbutt/ that you’re using for pleasure. Which is fine, Omegas use me all the time, but they don’t lie. They don’t pretend.”

The tears threatened to fall once more. Cas wanted to slap the man for his idiocy. Here he was trying to help and all Dean could do was accuse him of such vile things. “What do you want from me Dean?” He asked simply. “What do you want me to say? No matter what I say or do Its not good enough. So tell me what you want? Do you want that to be true? Do you really believe it?” 

Dean laughed loudly. “I can’t count how many times I’ve offered an option and you shut me down. I offer an option or opinion and you say, ‘no, this is the option we should take’. Don’t do that, that’s what I want. I don’t want to be treat like a three year old overstepping. You need to learn I’m not just another soldier who will always follow you blindly.” Dean sighed, as he felt his knot slowly ebb away he pulled out of Cas. He got up out of the tub and put on a robe before leaving Cas alone.

[Going to be honest… I don’t know what to do… I have no counter arguments to Dean’s cruelty and some of the things he says I really don’t understand where they’re coming from. The only thing for Cas to do right now is leave and if he does I don’t think he’d come back. And with Dean the way he is I get the feeling he’d either have him banished from the kingdom or killed… At least thats what Cas would assume.]

[so basically Dean is just annoyed that Cas seems to have an answer for everything. Acting like he knows more, like when they were speaking about Azra’il, everything Dean said Cas shot down. He’s just pissed at that.]

[Yeah but… the level of cruelty in the things he says… Its intense man… I’m not saying to change it. No one should change their writing for /anyone/. I just don’t know where to go from here. I’m worried we’re going to end up going in circles. I can try though. Just giving you a heads up I’m not sure how good my replies will be.]

[deans just riled up. He needs time to calm down.]

Cas didn’t reply. It was useless to try anyways. He was at a loss. He had tried arguing with the man, and was only punished for it; He tried compromising and was yelled at; He even tried blatantly asking what he could do and was ignored. He gave a heavy sighed as he started washing. No matter what he did, he lost. Dean needed time… But what about next time? What happened when Dean started this up all over again? What happened when he showed the Omega he unending cruelty once more? Cas was suppose to do nothing? Just take the emotional abuse? He sighed as he got out of the tub. He dried off quickly before tugging on one of the King’s robes and slipping through one of the servant’s passage ways. For now he’d sneak off to Gabriel’s quarters and lock himself away from other Alphas… Give Dean some time to cool off. Maybe he’d realize how much of an idiot he was. 

Dean laid on his bed, pushing away Cas’ pillows, he needed to be alone. To think. To think about Cas even when they were talking about the way he perceived Cas, even then Cas wouldn’t listen. Couldn’t. When Dean asked a question Cas didn’t like he tried to guilt trip him with his past, and then when Dean matched him with a story from his past, when Dean did the same thing Cas did, he was in the wrong. He sighed and shook his head, wrapping the blankets around him further. But still the Omega refused to listen to him. He didn’t know what to do. He was lost and confused and angry.

It wasn’t too long before Cas was sitting across from his brother, drinking more of that aweful tea, dressed in some clothes Gabriel had brought from his own room. “I just don’t understand.” Cas continued. “Sure I was defensive at first but I tried to listen… Tried to ask questions… She how I could help but all he kept doing was treating me like I’m some Omega whore that didn’t give a damn.” Cas vented as Gabriel nodded along. “He tells me I do all these horrible things but when I ask how I can fix it or make it better he just yells at me more and calls me a know-it-all.” “Souds to me like he’s being emotionally abusive Cas.” Gabriel offered. “It seems like he doesn’t want help he just wants to make you feel bad for his issues.” He pointed out but Cas shook his head. “That… that can’t be right Gabe…” Cas argued softly. “Dean is a kind man…”

“When he wants to be.” Gabriel pointed out. “The way he’s treating you Cas… its not healthy. Were you the one to yell at him first or did he blow up again?” Cas hesitated a the question. He had teased Dean but it was obviously affectionate which made the man lose control of his anger… He wasn’t going to admit that to Gabriel though. “Your silence is answer enough little brother.” Gabriel pointed out flatly.

“What would you suggest I do then?” Cas replied sarcastically. 

“Dump his ass.” Gabriel shrugged. “If any Alpha treated me half as bad as that, or accused me of the things he’s accused you of I would have left by now.” Cas bit his bottom lip as he considered the words, not liking them but knowing /something/ had to be done. 

A few days later, when Dean was sure that Cas’ heat would be finished, he sent the Royal doctor to Gabriel’s quarters where he was told Cas was staying as well as a note. The note was in a thick, expensive envelope, with a wax seal closing it.

Cas had spent the days hiding, his brother and Eve taking turns to ensure that any Alpha that might happen by stayed away. Eventually the heat subsided, leaving Cas feeling more like himself again. He had just began his studies once more only hours before the Doctor appeared. Cas glanced down at the envelope he was offered, glaring at it without even bothering to break the seal. He could feel his heart flutter at the idea that Dean might be apologizing which made his self hatred only grow. It no doubt held something vile that would probably  make the Omega feel even worse about himself. He finally tossed the letter aside unopened and allowed the doctor into the room with barely a word. 

“Hello again, Aide Novak. I’m not sure if you remember me, but I came when you’re infection was at it’s worse.” The doctor explained, holding his hand out.

“I apologize… I don’t but Gabriel has told me about you.” He reassured with a polite smile, shaking the man’s hand respectfully. “I am glad to have the chance to thank you.” 

“I don’t expect you to remember me.” The doctor smiled. “There’s no need to thank me Aide Novak, I was only doing my job, just like you do yours. Why don’t you lay down on the bed? I can check your shoulder and your heat.” He explained.

Cas hesitated, obviously not liking the idea of someone touching him. Though… after a moment he nodded and moved as instructed, tugging off his shirt and laying down. 

“How are you feeling?” The doctor asked as he started to undo Cas’ bandages. “Are you eating plenty? Is your brother still giving you the tea?”

“Fine.” Cas reassured. “My shoulder itches but that usually means its healing. I don’t have much of an appetite but I don’t think that has anything to do with my physical health… And yes… Gabriel makes me drink it about four times a day. He is very persistent.” 

“Usually when someone has an infection their appetite goes down, whilst if their heat is... successful, then it can raise.” The doctor explained. “The wound does look well, the tea does help even if you don’t like it.”

“Good.” Cas offered with an amused smile. “I’m glad I haven’t put myself through such torture for nothing.” He teased lightly. 

“You don’t like it?” The doctor asked. “Some people love it and some people have it.” He explained. “I’ll say to have the tea for another couple of days, just to make sure all the infection has come but then you’re fine.”

“Of course.” Cas offered pleasantly. “I’m fairly certain Gabriel would make me anyways.” He chuckled. 

“I’ll speak to your brother about it.” He explained. “Can I have a look at how your heat went? Just to make sure you’re healthy.”

 Again, Cas hesitated but he nodded allowing  the doctor to do his job.

 The doctor picked out a gown from his bag, “this will help keep you modest and more comfortable.” He explained. “How are you feeling after your heat?” He asked.

 Cas nodded and took the gown. "Do you mind turning around?" He asked. "I'm fine I guess." He replied with a shrug, keeping the fact that he was disgusted with himself and full of self hatred. He doubted the Doctor meant anything but physical.

 The doctor hummed and turned his back, taking interest in the objects on the table. “Is there any pain? How are you feeling mentally?” He asked, “your brother told me a bit of the reason you took the suppressants, just I know how long you had been on them and such.” He explained.

Cas frowned as he began to change, not liking people knowing about that. “I…” He began before sighing. “I am as well as can be expected.” He offered in a half truth. 

The doctor nodded. “That’s good. What are you looking for coming out of this heat? What are you wishing to happen to you in the near future?”

 Cas' brows furrowed at the question. "I dunno." He admitted. "You can turn around now." He offered. "I just want to go back to being... me." He shrugged.

 The doctor hummed as he turned back around. “That’s understandable. If you lay back down, did the King knot you?” He asked softly.

 Cas flushed at the question but did as requested. "Yes." He answered softly.

 The doctor nodded without comment. “There’s no shame in that.” He said softly. “If you spread your knees and put your feet on the bed, I want to check everything is good down there. I do know that the King doesn’t have any diseases, so I know you are safe there.” He hummed.

 Cas' embarrassment doubled but he complied staring up at the ceiling as he tried not to think about what was happening. "The woman who helped me with the suppressants... she said I could lose the ability to have pups... is that true?" He asked. He wasnt quite sure if he wanted Dean's pups or not but the idea of losing them was a bit... distressing.

 The doctor hummed. “There’s been no set experiments done on this area, but I believe it depends on the Omega and how long they took the suppressants and how long they took them for.” He explained, “but that isn’t a fact. I’m going to touch you Aide Novak, though it won’t hurt.”

 "Right." Cas mumbled starting to run over the daily routine of a Knight Commander in his head to try and distract himself.

 The doctor gently touched and pressed around Cas’ area gently, “how much... fluid would you loose during each wave? Was it a lot of a little?” He asked softly, “did the King need to add extra... lubricants?”

 Cas scrubbed a hand down his face. "No." He mumbled. "It was quite a lot." He admitted.

 “That’s okay. It could just be heavy because you’ve not had a full heat for many years.” The doctor explained. “Though I do know there is scarring on some of your organs, we’re you ever physically hurt during any of your previous heats?” He asked gently.

 Cas tensed, turning his head away a bit. "Yes." He stated simply, not bothering to give any further detail.

 “Can I ask what they did to you? If I have more information then maybe I can see whether you are able to bare children.” The doctor asked softly, moving away from Cas and standing up off the bed.

 Cas sat up slowly. "No..." He replied moving to dress. "I was very young and he was very rough. That's all you need to know." He added with a sigh. The words weren't angry or condescending... they were said in a soft spoken manner that made it obvious the Omega wasnt comfortable talking about it.

 The doctor hummed. “I just wanted to ensure there were no... weapons involved. Some Alphas like to... brand their Omegas.” He explained softly.

 Cas glanced at him in surprise before shaking his head. "No... no... none of that." He reassured.

 The doctor nodded, “that’s good. I can’t say whether you will be able to have pups or not? I am presuming you are able due to having your heat and self-lubricating, though carrying the pup to term is another matter.” The doctor explained softly.

 Cas frowned, dread sinking into his stomach before he nodded. "Of course." He mumbled softly. "Thank you."

 “Do you have any questions? I know there can be some side effects from coming off suppressants.” The doctor said softly.

 "What kind of side effects should I be looking for? How much longer until my next heat? Will it be as intense as this one?" He rushed.

 “No one knows for certain the side effects, some people have none some do have side effects, usually the side effects can be... regression.” He sat on the bed beside Cas, “so if you’re suddenly feeling fearful of Alphas or anything that you may have felt or acted like before.” He explained. “Your heats should be each month now on a regular basis, as for the intensity, they should be normal.” He explained.

 "What's normal?" Cas asked curiously.

 “It won’t be pleasant but you would be able to go through a heat without the aide of an Alpha, though you shouldn’t be able to do any work or exercise whilst the wave is happening.” He explained softly.

 Cas nodded. "Right." He sighed softly. That wasn't ideal but he could manage he was sure.

 “Do you have any questions about your heats? I’m not sure how much healthy information you would have gotten about them from your... previous relationships with Alphas.”

 "No... I think I have gathered how they work." Cas offered with a small chuckle. "Thank You Doctor."

 The doctor nodded. “Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any worries or questions.” He smiled softly as he picked up his bag.

 Of course." Cas nodded, moving to get the door for him. " I appreciate everything you've done, even if it is just doing your job."

 The doctor shook his head. “And I appreciate how you kept us all safe.” He smiled softly before bowing his head and leaving the room.

 Cas closed the door behind him with a sigh, glancing back at the letter before ignoring it. Gabriel would no doubt be curious enough to open it and read it... He would leave it until then.

 A few hours later Gabriel came back to the room, plopping onto the bed. He leaned his elbow on the envelope and frowned. “Cas, why haven’t you opened this?”

 Cas sat at the small desk furiously writing notes as he studied when his brother appeared not even bothering to glance up. "Figured you would save me the trouble."

 Gabriel shrugged and opened the letter, he read the first line to himself. “Yuck, Cassie you can read the rest.” He said, getting up and placing the letter in front of Cas. “I think I going to go wash my eyes out with bleach.” He hummed, moving into the bathroom.

 Cas glanced up at that before giving a small snort of amusement before a chuckle escaped him. He sighed when the other man disappeared into the other room and collected the letter.

 ‘Dear Aide Novak, 

I am truly sorry for the way I acted towards you three days ago, it was, as you said, vile and monstrous for me to speak to you in such a way. I truly hope that you will allow me to make it up to you, now we have both had time apart for both of us to reflect and calm down. 

As I reflect, my mind keeps replaying your statement about how I handle my history with regards to your knowledge. My opinion is that we could possibly make this work if we understand each other’s history and backstory more. I hope that you will see this as a peace offering and a sign that I trust you implicitly. 

I was five when I first saw my mother being beaten by my father, she was four months pregnant at the time with my baby brother, Samuel. My father saw me stood in the doorway watching on horrified, and commanded me to enter. At five I did as I was told, even when I had to harm my own mother, an action I deeply regret to this day. I’m unsure if you recall but there was a scar going across her left eyebrow, that was claimed she fell down a flight of stairs. This wasn’t the case. My father thrusted a knife into my five year olds hands and told me to harm my mother for allowing me to happen across my father beating her. 

Five months later, at the age of six I had to watch my mother take I’ll after birthing Samuel. My father didn’t care for my brother, fixated about being at my mother’s side as she slowly worsened. At the age of six I was left to bring up Sam, a nanny coming in to breastfeed him. After I had put Sam down for the night I went to bid farewell to my parents. However, that night I saw my father pressing a pillow over our mother’s face, suffocating her.  The palace and the Kingdom was in mourning, my father fortunately not having noticed my presence that night. As the Kingdom mouthed so did Samuel at the tender age of one month, he would cry relentlessly. The only way to make him stop was to make him laugh. As you could possibly imagine my father didn’t like laughter during a state of mourning, so every time he caught me making my brother laugh he would punish me. Five times he caught me, and five scars I have on my ribs to show for it. Since then, I find it difficult to joke. The only time I was able to safely be joyful was when I was training with your soldiers. They were more of a family then my father. I also trained with them to protect my baby brother. I was fearful that my father would see Sam as the reason our mother fell ill and in a twisted way why he killed her, which I believe he did but never acted on the thoughts, to my knowledge. 

Throughout the years, my father would punish me for every time I stepped out of line, including every time I missed classes to train with your soldiers. Every time Samuel placed a toe out of line, I made my father attack me rather than him. I’m sure you have seen the scars on my back to evidence this. 

Then my father died of a short illness and I was relieved, at first. I wouldn’t be hurt anymore for unwarranted things. But at his funeral, the vicar stated something that will haunt me forever “John Winchester is now in heaven, by his wife, Mary’s side forevermore.” Because if he abused her in life, then in death he would surely continue the pattern. As I became King I saw all the hurt he had caused people. He would go out regularly to the loudest part of the Kingdom and demand any Omegas in heat. The youngest was twelve and it was her first heat. At the moment, ten families have come forward to say that my father did this and they bore his child, fifteen more have said that he took the Omegas for their heats, but I am certain there are more. He was prolific and that is why I am giving the families money to ease the rest of their lives. 

I understand that this is not an excuse for my behaviour, but I do hope this shows trust. I also understand that I am a long way from being forgiven for what I have said and done, but I hope this letter may be the start of my apology. 

Yours sincerely,

Dean Winchester.

Cas considered the letter for a long moment, even after Gabriel returned; Debating what to do. Eventually, however, he caved; picking up his pen to begin a reply.

His Majesty Dean Winchester,

Thank you for your letter. I can say, with honesty, that the thought is appreciated; though I am hesitant to attempt another relationship for fear of the consequences. While I would agree your words were… intense, I would not label them monstrous. They were quite hurtful and cruel but you are no monster, Your Grace. You are a kind man when the mood strikes you. You are a just and gracious King. 

I will not pretend to know what it could possibly feel like to be in the positions your father has continuously placed you. I have no family outside of Gabriel; but I would die for him. Which I feel you can understand just as I can understand the sense of family among the soldiers.

Your Mother was a kind woman; I remember her well. I am not sure if you are aware of it but there were occasions when she would sneak off to the soldier’s training grounds when you trained with them, just to make sure you were alright. You were quite young then, and I hadn’t quite become a soldier, just a page but I do remember her. She was quite beautiful as well. Two qualities I believe you may have inherited from her. 

What your father did to you.. And to the Omegas… Is cruel and horrible. You, however, are not your Father, Dean. The horrible hands we are dealt in life does not make us who we are… It is how we play them that defines us. The people will see your Father when they look at you [opinion]; it is inevitable; he ruled for a long while and many have only known his reign. But he is gone. You are free. Free to laugh with the ones you care about; free to share the wealth with the people who have been harmed by his acts; free to start healing this country and yourself. Your people do not know what you have gone through, even I can not be certain despite you sharing with me because I have not experienced it; I implore you not to punish them because of it. They will no doubt step out of line when they fell close to you [opinion] tease you or attempt to make you laugh; please remember that they do this from a place of love… of affection. It is how most of us learn to cope and adapt; to move on; to grow stronger; we laugh in the face of casualties and sorrow so that we can look past tomorrow. I realize you have been trained to remove yourself from that way of thinking; that laughter is terrible and horrible… but I am sure the first time you laugh… truly laugh it will sound heavenly… and brighten the faces of everyone in the room. 

As for the rift that has formed between us; I fear I need more time. I am sorry, Dean; but I can not keep up with your wrath. I need more time. That is not to say that I will not be here for you if you need someone to talk to or confide in. I will always be here for you. I consider you a friend, Dean and the love that I have confessed is still present (without a doubt) I simply do not know how to handle it as of yet. It is all still a new experience. My feelings for you have not faded or lessoned by any means; but as I have said there has been quite a number of changes over the past few weeks; changes I am still trying to come to terms with and I believe I should focus on both my career and the fact that I must accept the that I am an omega before I can truly give you the attention (romantically) that you deserve. 

I have the honor to be your obedient servant,

Interim Royal Aide Castiel Novak

Cas folded the letter before placing it in an envelope, sealing the back with wax and stamping his crest before trying to convince Gabriel to deliver it for him. 

Gabriel shook his head. “You should may him no more mind, Cas. After what he did to you.”

 "Just deliver it Gabe." Cas sighed. "Please." He added softly.

 Gabriel huffed as he took the letter, “you could do it yourself.” He mumbled as he left to deliver it to the King. 

Dean sighed as his guard handed him Cas’ letter. In truth he never thought he would receive a reply, his heart swelled with hope. As he read the letter he frowned not sure what he was expecting.

"I could." Cas replied to his brother, obviously not planning on doing as he suggested. He pinned him with his best puppy dog eyes until the elder man left and Cas turned back to his work, doing his best not to think about the King.

Dean hummed as he read the letter, fighting the tears that swelled in his eyes from the mention of his mother. He had to stop and start a few times to get through the whole passage. Though even with all that time spent he didn’t know how to respond. He picked up a stack of papers and his pen before leaving for the hills. He found a peaceful spot, high above the castle and Kingdom, looking down on it all, underneath a large oak tree.

Eventually Cas set aside his work, too exhausted to continue before heading up to his own quarters to change in the traditional Omega clothes that had been provided for him before heading for the barracks. He had no real reason to be there but figured itd be good for the moral of the soldiers to see he was alright along with a boost for himself being around something familiar. 

Dean watched over the Kingdom, as the lights slowly went out from the windows in the houses. All that was left was the lights of the barracks and the soldiers patrolling the Kingdom. He sighed as he watched the rhythmic patterns of the soldiers patrolling the streets. He sat there most of the night, thinking about Cas letter and a response.

Cas spent an hour or two walking the halls and inspecting the patrols before he ran into Surges. The Alpha was obviously happy to see him as was Cas. After a bit of friendly banter, the soldier convinced Cas to go a few rounds in the ring with some of the younger soldiers; itd be easy enough to still school the men while not straining the man’s shoulder too much. 

The first young soldier stepped into the ring, carrying two short daggers, barely longer than his hands. He bit his lip as he looked at Cas, not sure whether he should address him as a Royal Aide or as a equal.

Cas stood, eyeing the man’s blunted wooden practice daggers as he produced his own wooden sword. “Its alright.” He reassured. “Relax.” He offered before giving the proper respectable bow that was custom before a match. 

The soldier nodded before bowing as well. “M- May I say it is an honour to practise with you.” He said, as he stayed low in his bow.

Cas offered a small smiled. “Thank you.” He offered. “I wouldn’t get star struck however…” He warned before suddenly rushing him without warning. 

The young soldier was much more nimble and quick than Cas was, darting around him and popping back up behind him. He pressed a dagger into Cas’ back. “Hi,” he chuckled nervously.

 Cas twisted, far more experienced and trained than the new soldier, hitting the dagger out of the way with his sword, causing a loud smack as wood struck wood. "Impressive kid. But you've got a ways to go."

 Cas twisted, far more experienced and trained than the new soldier, hitting the dagger out of the way with his sword before it actually managed to touch him, causing a loud smack as wood struck wood. "Impressive kid. But you've got a ways to go."

 The soldier mumbled a thank you. He pushed down the blade of Cas’ sword with his dagger, stepping closer to Cas to stop the effect of his sword. He quickly wrapped Cas’ good arm in a lock, keeping him close as he put the other dagger into Cas’ throat. He kept his eyes on Cas’ other arm.

 Cas gave a small smirk at the man's action, allowing him the hold, noting the way he eyed Cas' other arm. He used the focus to wrap his foot around the man's ankle and kicked off, putting the soldier off balance enough to allow Cas to take hold of his wrist and toss him over his shoulder, the soldier going flying onto his back. Cas was prepared to twist his arm, earning the dagger from him... but the sharp pain that shot through his shoulder at the toss made him cry out, red beginning to stain the white cloth of his shirt as his wound opened.

 The soldier instantly dropped his dagger, getting up. He bowed quickly to concede the fight before taking the sword gently off Cas. He wrapped his arms around Cas’ shoulder, starting to lead him back to the castle.

 "I'm fine. I'm fine." Cas tried to wave him away but knowing it obviously wouldn't work. He was thankful however when Surges came to his aid and sent the soldier to collect the doctor as he led Cas to one of the offices for some privacy.

The soldier immediately left for the doctor, bringing him back to the office. “He has an old wound on his shoulder, from the arrow. It’s reopened from sparring.” He explained quickly.

“I’m fine.” Cas argued as the doctor appeared. Surges had already helped him out of his tunic and was currently applying pressure to the wound. 

The doctor sighed as he moved further into the office. “Soldier, fetch the King would you; I am certain he’d like to be informed of Aide Novak’s condition.” 

“What?! No!” Cas rushed, trying to stand and earning a disgruntled grunt from Surges. 

“Forgive me, Aide Novak but from what I understand the two of your are courting are you not?” The Doctor asked with an arched brow, reminding the Omega of the rouse they were suppose to be keeping up. 

“Y-yes.” He mumbled softly, annoyed embarrassment infecting his scent. “Very well…” He sighed.

The soldier nodded and ran back into the castle, to fetch Dean. 

Surges rested a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “I think what he meant was that he didn’t want his Alpha to see him bleeding again.” He covered softly.

Cas offered a relieved grateful smile towards the soldier. “I really don’t. He really has so much on his plate already. I would hate to worry him again.” He offered as the Doctor moved over to take a look at the wound. 

“It looks like the infection set back the healing enough that one good pull would rip it open again. I suggest a few stitches just to reinforce it until it heals properly.”

“If we can wait for His Majesty, maybe he can help you through this, I know this isn’t a pleasant experience, Aide Novak. His scent could help to calm you.” Surges offered, as he looked down at Cas.

A few minutes later, Dean arrived followed by the soldier. He went straight to Cas’ side taking hold of his hand. “Why did you try to fight?” He asked gently, genuine concern in his voice.

Cas shrank in on himself a bit as the Alpha entered the room, obviously a bit uncomfortable with the attention. He didn’t pull away, however, as Dean moved to his side, taking his hand. 

“I was growing a bit restless, my love.” He offered, the endearment, feeling a bit odd on his tongue. “I just wanted to work off some energy. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

Dean nodded and squeezed Cas’ hand. “It’s my job to worry, because I love you.” He said softly, trying to keep the awkwardness from his voice. “Were you hurt anywhere else? I see you didn’t get a good touch on the solider.” He smiled gently. 

The doctor hummed, “I’m going to start stitching your wound Aide Novak. Just keep talking to His Majesty.”

“Don’t worry Doctor; its not the first time I’ve gotten stitches.” He reassured before focusing back on Dean. 

“He is a new soldier, barely had time to train.” He offered. “I didn’t want to beat him quickly, I worry it might’ve hurt his ego. So I took it a bit easy on him but he didn’t really get any hits in, don’t worry.” He reassured. 

Dean nodded and smiled softly. “Will he become a good soldier?” He asked softly, gently reaching up to cup Cas’ cheek. “You’ve always had such a good eye for potential greatness, darling.” He said softly.

Cas did his best not to tense at the touch, hiding the effort by leaning into the touch affectionately. “I think he will be a good fighter… he’s fast… I can’t say for his intelligence. The fight didn’t last long before the wound opened.” He admitted, lifting a hand up to cover Dean’s.

Dean hummed, love filled his eyes. “I love you, even now, as an Aide you’re still wanting to train and teach.” He smiled softly. 

The doctor went about starting to stitch the wound together.

“Of course.” Cas chuckled, brows furrowing. “Its when we stop trying to improve ourselves and the world around us that it crumbles.” He offered, twitching slightly as the needle was pressed into his skin.

Dean took Cas’ hand and gently brought it to his lips. “Improvement is only important thing. But I mean, even though you improve the soldiers from a desk, you still want to help them improve on the ground, that is what I admire.” He said softly.

Cas gave another chuckle. “I was just trying to get rid of some energy, my love.” He offered with another smile giving his hand a small squeeze. He hesitated a moment before flushing. “Thank you though… I try.”

Dean nodded, “it’s okay you’re safe now. Though I don’t know how safe you’ll be when we tell your brother.” He smiled softly.

 Cas gave a small grimace at the words, knowing they were true. "He doesnt really have to know..." He offered, knowing good and well the man probably already found out.

 Dean smiled softly, “he can look after you just as well as any doctor, and he has more time for you.” He explained. 

The doctor hummed as he tied the end of the stitches. “All done. Will you be okay getting back with just His Highness?” He asked.

 "I really dont need looking after, Love. This is just a few stitches. I've had much worse." He reassured, patting his hand affectionately before looking up at the doctor. "Of course." He offered with a forced smile.

 “Of course.” The doctor smiled as he packed up and his things and left. 

Dean grabbed Cas’ tunic and gently helped him to dress. As he did he slipped a letter, without an envelope into Cas’ pocket. “Come on then, let’s get some rest.”

 Cas didnt notice the action, gaze moving to the other men in the room as if to gauge their reactions. He offered them one final smile before looping his arm around Dean's so he could lead the way.

 Dean kissed Cas’ cheek softly. He led the way back into the palace. “There’s a spare room off my bedroom, I think it best if I take you to my quarters and you can sleep in there.” He offered.

 Cas didnt speak until Dean did, glancing about to make sure they were alone. "I dont think that's a good idea Dean." Cas offered softly, removing himself from the Alpha's side. "I am perfectly comfortable in Gabriel's quarters... I actually quite like it there." That and he was tired of being treated like he was some fragile thing now that he was an Omega. It was infuriating! He had more experience and training then most Alphad in the Kingdom but he they all fawn over him like he would faint at any moment. It was ridiculous... though he knew if he voice that opinion Dean would no doubt be angry and he really didnt want to deal with that at the moment.

 “I worry about Azra’il. If he finds out we’re not sharing the same living quarters he may get suspicious. I understand your concerns and worries, but we must keep up appearances for Azra’il if we are not to but the Kingdom in jeopardy.” Dean countered.

 "I would say sharing living quarters would be moving a bit too quickly, in my opinion. I dont think it would be too much of a stretch for us to take it slow." He sighed. "In the other side I think that being confined to such close quarters would probably worsen our already precarious relationship." He admitted before shrugging. "But you are King and I will do whatever you instruct."

 “I understand your reservations, but to anyone else we have just shared a heat, the first one I have shared since becoming King. Plus I am assisting you now that your heat is over. This is what the Kingdom is seeing. The doctor did call for me.” Dean hummed. “For tonight, stay in the spare room, in the early hours of the morning, you can sneak out once the palace is at its quietest, and go back to Gabriel.” Dean explained.

 "Of course, your Majesty." Cas offered properly despite the fact that he obviously hated the idea. He refrained from saying more, falling silent.

 “I know you don’t like the idea, but we must keep up appearances if we are to be successful in capturing Azra’il in the act.” Dean encouraged. “You’ll have your own washroom.”

 Cas didnt reply, he followed Dean as he was expected to. He remained quiet, knowing if he voiced his opinion Dean would either grow angry with him or simply shut him down and accuse him of not listening.

 Dean hummed, as they got into his quarters. “I’ll ask to have your pyjamas and a clean set of clothes brought up for you.” He said softly.

 "Thank you." Cas replied politely, already moving to the other room.

 “Have you had dinner?” Dean asked. “Would you like Gabriel to bring something up?” He offered.

 "No. Thank you." He replied simply, pausing at the questions.

 “Look, Cas. I know what I did was wrong and vicious, but I do want to make this work. I want what’s best for you, for me, and for the Kingdom, and sometimes we have to forsake somethings to help the Kingdom. I know this isn’t comfortable for you, and I am so sorry I’m asking you to do this, but my first thoughts will always be on my people’s safety.” Dean sighed softly.

 Cas stared at him evenly waiting for him to finish speaking. When a moment of silence fell between them Cas finally spoke of. "Of Course, Your Majesty." He offered properly... coldly.  "Will there be anything else?"

 Dean sighed and rolled his eyes, biting back a response. “Just to... look in your pockets.” He said softly, before moving to the bathroom.

 Cas paused checking his pockets and finding the note. He took Dean's departure as a excuse to head into his own side room as well.

 Dean sighed, hoping Cas would read his letter as he washed the specks of blood off his hands.

 Cas locked the door behind him before sinking into a chair with a sigh, suddenly feeling e exhausted as he stared down at the note.

 Dear Interim Royal Aide Novak,

I must thank you for your kind words spoken about my mother, I fear I can no longer remember her bar the few horrible memories I told you about. It is good to know she cared. 

I completely understand your desire for time apart, and I would be happy to grant it to you. However I must ask for your opinion on how it will affect our Azra’il problem. We must be seen to be together romantically, if we are to keep the Kingdom safe. This does not mean we have to be romantically together. If you would like to continue this pretend partnership going, I would be happy to offer you a spare room from my bedroom. It is empty, ready to be used as a nursery, when I have my child (with or without you, I will not push). I can have it completely decorated, furnished, and ready for you a day after I receive your reply. 

As for jokes, I admit that I don’t understand your teasing, though I do understand physical comedy. I trained with your soldiers enough to learn humour from them, though as King I do not have many opportunities to show people that. 

Through everything I have done to you, I am eternally grateful for you to still consider me a friend. Maybe we can build a stronger friendship on trust before we try anything else. 

If you would like to speak about anything personal or professional, my door is always open to you Aide Novak, no matter the time. You may be the only person I completely trust outside of my brother. 

I will continue to raise my public persona as a fair and equal King, for now and evermore. 

Yours sincerely,

Dean Winchester.

 Cas sighed as he read the letter a few times over before setting it aside and scrubbing a hand down his features, leaning back on his chair and closing his eyes as he tried to figure out what to do... how to proceed...

 Dean finished in the washroom before going back into his bedroom. He laid in his bed a long time before falling asleep.

By morning Cas was gone, having snuck out through the servant’s quarters before the sun rose. The only thing left in the room was a letter sitting neatly folded on the table with Dean’s name on it.

Your Grace, His Majesty, Dean Winchester,

I have made my opinion clear that I do not feel it is necessary to share the same living quarters to be viewed as having a romantic relationship. Even after sharing a heat most Omega’s do not live with the Alpha until they are mated. However, I have come to the realization that I have no say in the matter. You are King and will have what you wish despite my opinion so I will comply because I must. If I voice my opinion and it doesn’t align with yours you tend to grow angry and I am doing my best to avoid that; to make it appear we are happy for the sake of our Kingdom. 

This being said, I have already informed the staff that I will be taking meals in your quarters or offices when they are ready to assist in the image of our courtship. I, however, will not be having breakfast with you today; I have far too much work to do. 

I have the pleasure to be your obedient servant,

Interim Royal Aide Casitel Novak

[Start] // [Previous] // [Next]

[where-theres-smoak-2]

GOT 8X05 REVIEW

I feel like this episode was the Marmite of Game of Thrones, you either loved it or you hated it. Me? I did love it. I mean there are some things I had an issue with but as an overall episode I thought it was a good watch. For some reason I keep finding myself in this position where the majority of people hate an episode but I like it but there you go. As I said before these are just my own thoughts and feelings and I have no issues with anyone else having a different opinion or feeling differently about the episode everyone is entitled to their own feelings and I’m not here to judge or tell someone they’re wrong for feeling a particular way. I respect other peoples opinions as I would hope they respect mine. But anyway if you would like to know what I thought about the episode continue reading again it is very long so fair warning and obviously there are spoilers. 

Dany’s Decision

So I’m going to start with Dany as I feel like that was the thing most people seemed to have the strongest feelings over. Again unpopular opinion here but I personally didn’t have an issue with her actions, ok I’ve worded that badly obviously I didn’t enjoy watching her burn thousands of people alive but I had no issue with how it was written. Mostly because it made sense to me, I understood her motive and her thought process in that moment (it might also have been influenced by the fact that I’ve been waiting for ehr to go Mad Queen ever since season 3 so instead of feeling sudden to me it actaully flet long overdue). The best way for me to explain why it made sense to me is by walking through Dany’s storyline this episode in particular. I think the key to understanding her actions is understanding the state of mind she’s in at that moment. If we start at the beginning of the episode and how we find Dany. For us the audience only an episode has passed but for Dany and the other characters its been at least 2 weeks. We know this because Tyrion told Dany last episode that Jon and his men were a fortnite away and Jon arrived this episode. That means that for two weeks now Dany has locked herself in a room by herself, she’s completely isolated herself and has refused any food. She’s had two weeks of grieving and missing Missandei. I feel like during those two weeks her mind has unravelled and she’s now essentially just a shell of who she used to be. Which is made obvious when we next see her and her hair is unbraided and unkempt and she’s pale and has such a hollow look in her eyes, I mean hats off to Emilia because her acting this episode is her best so far in my opinion I brought everything she was selling.I know alot of people said that Dany just snapped when the bells rang but in my opinion she was broken long before that moment she was broken from the very beginning of this episode. I do think Dany at this earlier point in the episode is in a very deep depressive state which is understandable given everything she’s gone through so far. She’s put a wall up and has hidden all her feelings behind it as a way of coping with all she’s lost so now she just feels hollow and empty. I think this hollow feeling is shown most when she learns of Varys’ betrayal and has little reaction to it, as she says to Tyrion it doesn’t matter anymore. I mean if you compare her reaction to how she reacted when others betrayed her like Doreah and Jorah she was furious and heartbroken and you could see this written all over her face. But with Varys although she displays a little anger she doesn’t have much of a reaction at all because all of her feelings are muted right now. 

Again when she actually executes Varys she displays little emotion. She doesn’t get angry at him or sad, she doesn’t cry or yell she just calmly sentences him to death. If you look at her reaction to the situation compared to others there is a huge difference. Tyrion is naturally very upset by the entire thing as Varys is his friend and Tyrion feels guilt over betraying him. But even Jon looks uncomfortable by it, even he displays some kind of emotion despite not knowing Varys very well and yet Dany shows no emotion at all. Again another side note here but I am curious about Varys putting his rings in that cup next to the pot in which he burnt the note. I do wonder if that is some kind of clue that will allow one of his little birds to find the note and take it to someone who will get the word out about Jon. The note might not have burned all the way as Varys put the lid on which might have doused the flames. Well only time will tell. 

Then we get that scene with Jon by the fireplace. Here we have a slight shift is Dany’s demeanour. As a quick side note I think its interesting that Dany sees Jon telling Sansa and Arya as a betrayal, it’s like she’s mad at him for not loving her more than his sisters. I think this is in large part because she never experienced that loving brother/ sister relationship herself. Her own brother was abusive towards her and never really gave her that love or trust that Jon and his own siblings have so she doesn’t understand why Jon would trust his sisters like that when all she knew from her own brother was betrayal. But anyway getting back on track I think during this scene we see a little crack in Dany’s wall and she does display some vunerability and emotion. My heart broke for her when she made that speech about how she has no love here only fear. I think it started to dawn on her last episode at the feast and that feeling of isolation and loneliness has only grown and on top of that she’s got the grief of losing both Misaandei and Jorah. Some of her emotions creep through and we see tears in her eyes and the pain and grief on her face. It’s around Jon these feelings come out a little and she seeks comfort from him, seeks love. Unfortunately Jon is unable to give her what she needs. He to is struggling with his emotions and feelings and isn’t in the greatest frame of mind himself. He had a different upbringing from her and while she doesn’t care that he’s her nephew he is struggling with the fact that she’s his aunt. It no longer feels right to him and he just can’t love her the same anymore. I do think that if Jon had been able to return Dany’s feelings then the following events could have been avoided but instead we see Dany throw that wall back up again only this time she is completely isolated from everyone. Jon was her last link to her humanity and in that moment its severed. 

Which brings us to the next scene in the episode with Tyrion in the throne room. What’s important about this scene is that it starts with Tyrion trying to remind Dany that the people in Kings Landing are not her enemies. This is important because it tells us that Dany has forgotten this, you don’t need to remind someone of something unless they’ve forgotten it. The other part that is important is Dany’s respose to Tyrion saying that they were no different from the people of Meeren. Because she does see them as different from the people of Meeren. The people of Meeren turned on the Masters when they saw Dany arrive. They rejoiced her arrival, they gave her their love. The people of Kings Landing did not. They turned to Cersei for protection, they only gave Dany their fear. One of the biggest things I saw people having an issue with is that Dany would never kill the innocent. In some ways thats true she has often been the protector of the innocent or rather the protector of those she believes to be innocent. Because lets be honest this isn’t the first time Dany has killed someone who was innocent, she just believed that they weren’t and so believed she was in the right to kill them. Two examples of this are when she crucified Hizdar zo Loraq’s father only to later learn that he had spoken out against crucifixation himself and wasn’t what Dany believed him to be and then when she executed Dickon Tarly. Who again was just a stupid kid who was standing by his father. Both were innocent and yet on both occasion Dany believed them to be bad people and her enemies. This is important because to understand Dany’s actions you need to look at it through her eyes and in my opinion she didn’t look down at the people of Kings Landing and see innocent people. We the audience knew they were innocent but she saw them as her enemies and so believed she was in the right and her actions were correct. She’s spent her whole life being told that Westeros is her home and the people were eagarly awaiting her return, she came here expecting people to love her and rejoice at her arrival but instead she was met by fear and treated as a foreigner and an outsider. 

There’s also the part where she talks about how she’s securing freedom for the future generations. I think this is important because I also believe that to some extent on top of seeing them as her enemies she sees them as collateral damage. Like she’s thinking ok if I kill/sacrifice these people (who are my enemies anyway because they’ve sided with Cersei) then I’ll save more lives in the future. It’s this idea of sacrificing the few to save the many. Another thing worth noting in this scene is once again Dany is displaying very little emotion even when she tells Tyrion that Jaime has been captured and threatens him. Also I do feel like at this point Dany is seeing enemies everywhere. She doesn’t trust anyone, Jon has betrayed her, Varys has betrayed her, Tyrion betrayed her when he spoke to Varys before her, Sansa has betrayed her by telling Tyrion, Jaime has betrayed her by going back to Cersei, the people of Kings Landing have betrayed her by siding with Cersei. In some cases she’s right but in others its irrational to be thinking like that but it doesn’t matter anymore because her mind is already broken. 

And so we’ve reached that pivotal moment where she is sitting on Drogon upon the wall and the bells are ringing out across the city. This is the moment the gods throw that coin and we all held our breaths to see where is would land. This is also the moment when Dany begins the final arc of her story. All of characters are now at the end of their stories. Some of them have already began their final arcs, some are at the end of their final arcs but in my opinion this is the moment that Dany’s begins. And in this moment both we as an audience and Dany look back on her journey that has brought her to this moment. I mean lets put ourselves in her shoes for a moment. When those bells rang she got everything she ever wanted, the thing she wanted most that she’s been working towards for 8 seasons, the Iron Throne is hers. In this moment though I was reminded of that quote that Tyrion said to Cersei ‘a day will come when you think yourself safe and happy and suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth.’ Dany has always wanted the throne and I think a huge part of that is the desire to feel safe to be happy in the home that was stolen from her. This moment should be the happiest moment of her life, she should feel joy and she might’ve for a split second but then that joy turns to ashes in her mouth because as much as this is what she always wanted she never wanted it like this. She’s reached the end of her journey, she’s won her prize but when she looks back at all she’s gone through and all she’s lost she realises the prize was not worth the price. It’s a hollow prize. She has been beaten and raped, betrayed by her closest companions, lost her husband, her children, her friends and now she finds herself with a throne but nothing else. Those she loved most were all taken from her. Now think back to the season 1 finale she tells the Dothraki exactly what she will do to those who hurt the people she cares about ‘those who would harm you will die screaming.’ Then later when she is outside of Qarth she tells them  "we will take back what was stolen from me and destroy those who have wronged me. We will lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground." And as she thinks back on all of this suddenly all of those emotions she’s been holding in come flooding out. The grief, the pain and overshadowing everything else the anger. It’s in that moment that she realises it’s not enough, the Iron Throne no longer means anything to her what she really wants is revenge and so every promise shes made through out the series comes true and she takes what is her in fire and in blood. She takes all of that anger out on the city. Also I do want to say that Emilia did an amazing job in that moment. I mentioned above that I think she did some of her best work in this episode but that moment when she was looking across the city and you could see all those emotions rolling across her face gave me chills. She looked devastatingly beautiful. 

When you think about Dany’s journey it really is one of tragedy. She lost at least 8 of those closest to her, at least 5 people have betrayed her, the man she loves turns out to be her nephew and also could be the one to take everything she’s ever wanted away from her. She spent her whole life wanting to return home only to realise when she got there that she didn’t belong there after all. And at the end of it all she’s left completely alone and unloved as she said all she has left is fear. Another thing I think is important to remember about Dany’s character is that she’s never been one to shy away from violence. Her entire stiryline has been littered with her burning and killing others. And yes this is the same of many characters in Game of Thrones but the thing with Dany is she seems to take some kind of enjoyment out of killing her enemies. If you take her reaction to killing and compare it to Jon for example. While Dany enjoys killing those who wronged her Jon struggled with killing his own murderers. Jon has never particularly enjoyed killing anyone. And so because of all of this combined to me her actions made perfect sense and in my opinion very much in line with her character. I think her story was very well written and I look forward to see where it goes in the next episode. 

Jaime and Cersei

Now I did say that there were a couple of things I had an issue with in this episode and the biggest of those was Jaime’s arc. In fact I’m very conflicted about how I feel about this one which is why it took me so long to get this review out I was mulling it all over and trying to figure out how I felt about it. When Jaime left at the end of episode 4 I was so sure he was going to kill Cersei I was also sure that was what I wanted to see. But as you all know that didn’t happen. He really was just going back to Cersei and to be honest at the time that the episode aired I was p*ssed about this. I thought it was all really stupid and I didn’t understand anything about Jaime’s storyline in this episode. I thought his fight with Euron was stupid, I thought him returning to Cersei was stupid and I thought his death was stupid and I was very angry about it for days. But this is where the conflicted part comes in. As time went on I began to think more about it and I realised that I don’t think I really did want him to kill Cersei just because she’s pregnant with his child and I feel like having him kill a woman who is pregnant with his child would be as big of a betrayal of his redemption arc and his character. 

That being said I’m still not satisfied with how it all ended for him. I mean I get what they were going for with it, it’s this idea that not everyone gets their redemption. And yes I get that it comes from the fact that while we can see that Jaime is a good man who has come a long way and deserves a redemption act and an epically heroic death Jaime himself does not. He doesn’t think he’s a good man in fact he thinks he’s a hateful person and he decides that Cersei is what he wants after all. And yes I can appreciate the poetry of them meeting again after their separation in the same place as where he left her. I didn’t hate every single moment they had in fact there were some parts of their storyline that I loved. That moment when they were reunited I thought was very well done and written. But the one scene that really got to me was their last one. I mean I teared up and got very emotional when Cersei said ‘I want our baby to live.’ To me that scene was soo well acted by Lena I mean I actually felt sorry for Cersei. These were her final moments and in those moments she was the most human we’ve seen her, I think the most vunerable to. It’s been said over and over again throughout the series that Cersei’s one redeeming quality was her love for her children and that really comes through in that moment. She was just a mother who wanted her child to live and she knew that wasn’t going to happen and seeing that devastation Cersei was feeling was heartbreaking to me. That was superb writing, to make the audience feel sympathy for a character who up until this point was one of the most hated characters on the show. The writing for that scene was great Lena’s acting was off the charts and in some ways I was glad Jaime was there with her and their child at the end. I wanted to feel joyous about her death, to be celebrating and instead I felt her pain and fear and I fpound myself hoping she would find a way out of it and that her child would get to live and I never thought I’d be hoping for Cersei to live.  

And yet there was still something about Jaime’s storyline that left a bad taste in my mouth. While I was ok with Cersei’s part and her actions which all seemed in line with her character I wasn’t satisfied with Jaime. The thing is there is one thing they could have done to make me happy with everything he did in this episode. And that is if they had shifted the focus onto their child as oppose to Cersei. If they had him say he wanted to save his child and it just happened to be that in order to do that he had to safe Cersei too. Like his main goal was making sure the baby lived I would have been good with it. Because then he’s a father trying to protect his child. They could still have kept everything the same in the episode, him sneaking into Kings Landing, his fight with Euron, him finding Cersei and trying to get her out so they can start a new life together and ultimately failing and dying in the tunnels. But with the focus on him trying to save his child it wouldn’t have ruined his character development and in a way it still would have been a redemption arc, he would have died trying to protect an innocent life. Bonus points if he had also got there in time to persuade Cersei to surrender to Dany in an attempt to protect the people of Kings Landing.

However by having him go back purely for Cersei I do feel like they threw Jaime’s character development out of the window harder than he threw Bran out back in season 1. Only they did a better job than Jaime because unlike Bran Jaime’s arc was well and truly murdered. Ok that might be a little harsh but I do feel like it could have been improved. The thing is it could so easily have been fixed by just having a little more put into it. If we had a few scenes showing Jaime feeling conflicted. Like maybe in that scene with Tyrion when he says Jaime knew exactly who Cersei was but he loved her anyway Jaime could have said something along the lines of I miss her and sometimes I wonder if I should have left her, maybe I belong with her. It would have shown us he was conflicted. Then it would have had the audience wondering who he was going to choose, would he stay with Brienne or go back to Cersei? Instead everyone was completely blindsided by his decision to go back to Cersei because he had barely mentioned her since leaving. He had been all about Brienne from the moment he showed up in Winterfell right up until the moment he left. 

I do still think that his fight with Euron was stupid. Like the fight itself was fine, it was tense and kept me on the edge of my seat, it was well choeregraphed. But I was confused by the premise of it or how it fit in with the storyline. Like what was the point of it, I didn’t even really get why they were fighting or what they were fighting over. Was it over Cersei? Was it just because they didn’t like each other? It just didn’t make sense to me. I’d have preferred if Yara had shown up and we had that fight between them.  

 Now the thing is I’m not sure if its just bad writing or whether I’m just bitter because it’s not what I wanted for Jaime. Like I said there were some parts that I thought were great and as an overall stroy arc I really enjoyed watching Jaime’s. It’s been entertaining to see him go from this prissy prince charming who was way to cocky for his own good to an honourable man who had complex layers. The tragedy of Jaime’s story is that although he got close he was never truly able to escape Cersei and in the end she was his desturction. I do think that she was always going to be his undoing. But as I said if it had been written with a bit more care it would have worked, I’d have understood it and it would have had more of an impact but ultimately I was just left feeling angry and wishing for what could have been.

The Sacking of Kings Landing   

However you felt about Dany’s decision you can’t deny that these scenes were visually spectacular as well as gut wrenching. I do think it was a very clever choice to not show anything from Dany’s prespective again, it was all from down in the streets. It put us the audience in the same space as the civilians who were having to live this horror. These scenes really did remind me of the Sacking of Troy like I could see so many similarities and I remember the first time I watched the film Troy and how emotional I got over those scenes and I defintely got the same emotions when watching these scenes. Just that disbelieve of what you are watching, mixed with the horror and the sorrow and even anger at the men who are terrorising these innocent people. 

I wasn’t at all surprised by Grey Worm’s and co’s actions. Horrified yes but not surprised. He has had this anger brewing up for the last two weeks over what happened to Missandei. Similarly to Dany I think this was the moment it all came out. As for the Northmen again I didn’t find it surprising. We’ve scene Stark men behave this way before. When Brienne was transporting Jaime they came across Stark men who had killed and hung three women because they had laid with Lannister men. I think their actions were best explained by Jorah way back in season 3 and he says ‘there’s a beast inside every man and it stirs when you put a sword in his hand.’  In this scene he also gives us more foreshadowing, firstly when he asked Barristan if he had ‘ever seen a war where innocents did not die by the thousands.’ and then again when he talks about the first Sacking of Kings Landing when he says he saw ‘butchery. Babies, children, old men. More women raped than you could count.’ I’ve said over and over again that the Game of Thrones series works through parallels and circles and history repeating itself. This was the writers telling us exactly what was going to happen to Kings Landing. It also served to show how war effects not just the soldiers who can be over taken by bloodlust but the innocent civilians who get caught in the middle of it all. 

One of the more heart wrentching things for me was seeing Jon’s reaction to it all. Jon has seen battles before but he’s never seen anything like this. His own men became the bad guys. It really hit me to see him desperately trying to stop it and just not being able to. He tries everything, he yells at his men to stop but that fails, he even ends up killing one of his men. Seeing that denial and disbelief as he looks around at all the carnage just pulled at my heart strings. I do think it was quite smart of him to yell retreat and fall back to get his men to stop. He play into their fear and puts it into their heads of we need to leave now or we’re going to die. Which you know was right the city was literally falling down at that point but his men did stop and they did retreat. But I do think this is going to have a very deep effect on Jon, it was one thing to see the woman he loves burn the city down it was another to see the Northmen behave that way, especially when he’s held them in such high regard, we’ve always seen the Northmen as the good guys and as having more honour so to see that questioned is terrifying and very upsetting. I said that I have a theory that Jon will go and join the Wildlings North of the Wall at the end of the series and I actually am even more certain of this now, I really do think this had done a number on Jon and really messed him up. 

But the most heart-wrenching moments in this episode were seeing the people siffering through this nightmare. Watching children being burned and seeing buildings falling down on people. But the moment that really made me cry was seeing those people in the street cradling their loved ones who were either already dead or were severely injured with burns and missing limbs and hearing them cry and scream. It messed me up a little. I had to take a few moments to get myself together again. It really did show you the horrors of war. I’m not even sure I’ve really got the words to convey how strongly those moments made me feel. But I said above that this was one of the most visually spectacular episodes and alot of that was shown by the destruction of the city. It was horrifying and yet I could not take my eyes off of the screen. Seeing part of the red Keep fall down into the sea, just crumbling away. Or when the dragon fire literally dissolved buildings. Also as gruesome as it was seeing the charred bodies of the victims. It all looked incredibly realistic.

One last note on this part is the music. As always Ramin Djawadi is a genius. I could spend the rest of my life listening to his score for Game of Thrones. But in particular when you had that slow build with the pulsing in the background like a heartbeat. I mean the while score was amazing but that part in particular stands out in my mind. It almost sounded like the kind of music you’d get in a horror movie.  

Tyrion

Ah my poor Tyrion. He has long been one of my favourites but this episode reminded me why. He always tries to do whats right. The last time he was in Kings Landing the people were pretty much cheering for his head and yet despite that he tries everything he can to save them. I do have my issues with him betraying Varys but at the same time I understand that he was trying to do what he thought was right. He clearly didn’t make the decision lightly and was deeply effected by it, That scene with him saying goodbye to Varys showed how much Tyrion really does care. 

Also that scene where he lets Jaime go and says goodbye to him. My gosh it was another case of truly amazing acting. There were so many moments in that scene that made me cry and also reminded me of why I love Tyrion so much. When he told Jaime that he was the only one who didn’t treat him like a monster and how he never would have survived his childhood without him really made me appreciate the bond between these two brothers. It was so sad to watch them say goddbye and that hug my poor heart. But the line that got my the most that just made me have so much respect for Tyrion was when he said ‘tens of thousands of innocent lives, one not particularly innocent dwarf, seems like a fair trade’. It really showed how much he cares about the people and the saddest part is that they probably wouldn’t give two hoots if Tyrion were to be killed. 

I will admit I am very nervous for Tyrion. I don’t think Dany is going to take too kindly to Tyrion letting Jaime go. The most frustrating part is that Tyrion technically didn’t fail Dany again. He assured her that the people would ring the bells and surrender and then he tried to do everything he could to make sire that happened with minimal bloodshed. And he succeeded. The city surrendered and it was with little bloodshed it was Dany who then went coastal and started burning everything in sight. Yet it is Tyrion who will possibly pay the price. I really hope they don’t kill him next episode. But I am very nervous. 

Clegane Bowl

This was just epic. I loved everything about this scene. From the Mountain killing Qyburn to Cersei just peacing out and getting out of there as quickly as possible to the fight itself. Also the location was perfect. That stairway that’s just crumbling away and now leads nowhere. You know that there’s nowhere for either of them to run, this ends here and it ends now. Also that shot of the dragon fire and then Drogon flying over the top was soo cool. Over the top? Probably but I didn’t care I still loved it. I also loved how gritty it was. How it built as well. It started out with the swords but they got closer and closer until eventually it was bare hands, tooth, nails and daggers. 

I also loved the throwbacks with the Mountain trying to crush the Hound’s skull the same way he did Oberyn, also the dagger through the eye which is a throwback to two things one is Jory in season 1 who got stabbed through the eye by Jaime. But also that’s the way Arya said she was going to kill the Hound ‘one day I’m going to stick a dagger through your eye and out the back of your skull.’ There is something kind of poetic about the Hound then using that against the Mountain. The fight was tense and violent and I kept wanting to hide behind my fingers everytime the Hound got thrown about. The Hound really had to struggle for this victory. 

Also as much as I hated seeing The Hound die his death was still epic. I couldn;t have thought of a better death for him. It just seemed fitting that he dies with his brother and it’s by falling into fire. Again that shot of them both falling from the tower and into the flames below was visaully outstanding and along with the music again it all added to the epicness of it all. So yes I am very happy with how the Hound’s storyline was brought to a close and I think they stayed true to the character all the way through. 

Arya and The Hound 

Arya’s stroyline this episode was actually my favourite part of this episode. I liked the scenes in the beginning with her and the Hound showing up and basically just telling that soldier I’m here to kill the Queen now get out of my way. I thought that was very humourous and very Arya. 

But one scene that I think was so important to Arya’s arc and that really had me tearing up was the Hound telling Arya she had to leave or she’d die here. In that moment I saw a father concerned for his daughter. I do think the Hound has come to love Arya and has alot of affection for her. This scene was just such an honest scene. I also love that it was the Hound that convinced Arya to fight to live and that from that moment Arya fought as hard as she could to live. Also it was so touching to have her call him by his actual name. When she said thank you to him I really do think she was thanking him for everything he’s done for her. It was a thank you for trying to get me back to my family even if it was for money. A thank you for teaching her all those lessons that helped her survive. A thank you for fighting for her. And a thank you for giving her a reason to fight to live. It was also a goodbye. She knew she was never going to see him again. There was just something so sweet and yet so sad about that moment. And again brilliantly written and acted. 

I also liked how the juxtaposed Sandor’s fight with the Mountain with Arya’s fight to escape the city. When the Hound fell Arya fell. When the Hound was pulled back to his feet and few moments later so was Arya. The thing that was so poignant about those moments was that knowledge of the Hound was essentially fighting to die and Arya was fighting to live. It’s these two characters that have been so linked and are so similar who are now heading in opposite directions from each other, one towards death and the other towards life. 

Another scene that caught my attention was when Arya falls and is being trampled by the fleeing people before she is pulled back up. This scene reminded me so much of when Jon was being trampled during the Battle of the Bastards. In both instances its two characters that had given up on life who suddenly have that desire to live and so they fight their way back to their feet, back to life. I like that they made that connection between them as well as the connection between Arya and the Hound. The other thing I noticed was that Arya was wearing her hair very similar to Jon. In fact there was a scene where they show the back of Arya as she moves through the crowd of people and from the back her hair looks so much like Jon. I don’t know if it has any significance but it did jump out at me in that moment. 

Arya’s journey through Kings Landing was so harrowing, like she should’ve died about ten times over and I’ll admit when I saw her laying on the ground with the blood on her face and covered in dust and ash I did think for a moment that she was dead but thankfully she wasn’t.

There were a few things that I did notice though. The first one is the man who stops her, It’s a very quick scene but I don’t think it was an accident that the guy looked so much like Gendry. I mean it took me a hot second to realise that it wasn’t him they looked so much alike. Now it might be the Gendrya shipper in me talking but I do think the show has made efforts to link Gendry with life and the Hound with death within Arya’s story. I don’t think its an accident that right after she decides she wants to live she has an interaction with someone who is the splitting image of Gendry. This is particularly interesting when you pair it with the fact that one of the last things she does before deciding to embark on her journey to death with the Hound is reject Gendry’s proposal. Then one of the first interactions she has after deciding to follow the path to life is with a man asking for his wife. I don’t believe in coincidences this was planned and has significance to Arya’s storyline.  

 But I think the biggest part of Arya’s journey this episode was that family she tried to save.She comes across them three times. Once when she is entering Kings Landing, then when the Mother pulls her to her feet and then later when she finds them hiding in that house. I again think its important that its a family she interacts with. Firstly because another thing she did when she left Winterfell to kill Cersei was walk away from her family. So this family ties into that, she wants to live and so that brings her back to her family. Also I again think its linked in with Gendry and that original rejection of that life of settling down as lord and lady and starting a family. The man looking for his wife and the family are significant because those were the things she was running away from when she was sure she was going to die but now that she wants to live those are the things she’s running towards. 

Another thing I noticed was that the little girl was carrying a toy white horse. Now this seems to be another thing that hold alot of symbolism in Arya’s storyline. In season 7 when Arya decides to return to winterfell she is riding a white horse. When Gendry arrives at Winterfell he is also riding a white horse. Now we have this little girl holding a white horse toy while Arya is trying to escape winterfell. Then of course Arya sees the white horse that she rides out of Kings Landing which I will talk about some more in a moment. BUt the other thing that has symbolism for Arya is the black horse. When the Hound arrives at Winterfell he’s riding a black horse and when Arya leaves with him she too rides a black horse. The other thing worth noting is that heartbreakingly when the mother and daughter are burned the little white toy horse is charred so badly it turns black. To me the symbolism is obvious, the white horse is life and the black horse is death. 

The moment that left the most impact on me in this episode was that moment when Arya looks down at the burned bodies of that family, they really did remind me of the ash bodies from Pompeii, I visited Pompeii and Herculaneum a few years back and saw the ash bodies in person, there was one display that showed a whole family huddled together and seeing that mother and daughter reminded me so much of that. But anyway back to what I was saying. The thing that struck me the most was she looks at the bodies and it focusses in on that toy horse and then she looks up and there standing amongst the death, and burning debris and ash is a white horse. I said this was the most visually spectacular episode ever and that shot of Arya approaching the Horse with the ash falling down was the one that took my breath away the most. There was something so tragically beautiful about it. I don’t even know how to properly describe it but well it was just hauntingly georgeous. Also the same can be said of that shot of her rding out of Kings Landing.  But this is the moment that she really embraces life. I am excited to see where Arya’s story goes next. 

Things that were not so hot. 

Above I said there were some things I had an issue with. Now I’m not going to put Jaime’s storyline here because I already talked about it above but ere are some other things that I think definietly needed some improvement. 

1) The Golden Company Who? Ok like really, what was even the point of these guys. They literally did nothing but die. There was all this hype about how strong they were and yet all they did was stand outside the gates then get burned. Like fine if they were to be defeated but after all the hype we could’ve at least seen them fight a little. 

2) Yara Where Are Ya? So I mentioned this briefly above but it feels like they’ve forgotten about Yara. Like I feel like this was the perfect episode to bring her back into the storyline. She could have snuck up on the Iron Fleet and done a double whammy attack with Dany on Drogon and Yara firing from behind them cornering them in. Also it would have made more sense to have Yara fight Euron than Jaime. But hey that’s just my opinion. 

3) Please Sir, Can I Have Some More? This season needed more episodes. I get that D&D supposedly had this vision of a 73 hour or whatever it was movie. But I do think it suffered for it and it would have been better for them to throw that vision out and go for the longer season. I do think Jaime’s storyline would have benefitted from it. Also though I am happy with the pacing of Dany’s storyline others might have been happier with more hints put in there. I just feel like this season needed fleshing out a little more in some places and that could’ve been achieved if they had those extra episodes. 

4) And Who Are You Again? Ok so this one is slightly linked to the one above but if they had more episodes they could’ve shown us more Cersei. Maybe it was just me but she just didn’t seem to be in this season very much. I feel like they sacrificed alot of her storyline for the sake of showing what was going on with Jon and Dany. So we only really got a couple of scenes with her before she died. I do feel like they should have explored more of her relationship with Euron because it was such a difference between now and when we last saw them, they seem much closer and more lovey dovey. The same can be said of Sansa and Bran they haven’t been explored as much as they could’ve been again I feel like they’ve been put on the back burner a bit so they can focus more on Jon, Dany, Tyrion and Arya. So we need more focus on some of the characters and that could’ve been achieved if there were more episodes. 

Anyway that’s it for this review. Once again these are just my own opinions. As one last word, A friend asked me what my opinion on the leaks were. Well I haven’t read the leaks and I don’t intend to I’ve actually blacklisted that tag though judging from the amount of ‘this post contains’ blocked posts on my dashboard and in the tags I’m assuming something has happened with the leaks. But I will do another review for the final episode and tell you what I think then. I’m both very excited and very nervous for the last episode. Still struggling with the idea that in less than 24 hours the last ever episode of Game of Thrones would’ve aired.  

[residualsociety-blog-blog]

Therapy 3 (Removing Bandages)

1. Knowing that I have been insulated with a privileged life, has this led me into an existence of melancholy that has no foundation?

I have always been drawn to the melancholy. Blame it on my upbringing of suppressive emotion from the hardened baby boomer Irishmen around me or on the self-detrimental music I listened to (probably symptomatic of reason #1). In my more religious days, the idea of being sick without a cure always brought an egocentric tear to my eye. I’ve always resonated with the idea of being deprived and stuck on a hopeless ship with no ending destination. Does this fantasy have any merit?

Relatively speaking, probably not. Yes, this life is built on the foundations of pain that we build houses on; creating illusions of safety and decorating them in distracting ways. I grew up in a part of the world though that was well nourished, both literally and figuratively speaking. My parents had flaws, of course, but relatively speaking these flaws were incredibly minor in nature. In fact, the loving/sheltering nature of my upbringing is probably my biggest flaw, since I lack the understanding of how dark the darkness can get. I misperceive my shadow as epitome of darkness, when there are far darker dungeons of pain that exist. I try to understand the hierarchy of pains, sometimes successfully, but even then I still lack the feeling that reinforces the idea and brings it to life.

So why not use the positive force in my life to become a beacon of hope to others, or at the very least not pretend that my life is any harder than anyone else’s? Well, thats where it gets complicated. 

Maybe I’m trying harder with all of the self improvement actions I’m taking. I rarely speak of my demons and are way more present for others (for the most part, I think I’m trying). Maybe just slowing down and stepping into the shoes of others and being more realistic about the depth of my own problems is the keys. Being conscious with the realities around me.

2. In what circumstances have I ended relationships with friends and girlfriends? Were they worthy of these measures?

This is going to be hard.

Rachel: Lack of trust. I always assumed she was up to no good. This was textbook overthinking mixed with a large heaping dose of insecurity. The first time I broke up with her was because I thought I could do better. The second time was the opposite.

Amy: We were not compatible, though I wanted us to be. She had a kind heart, was very caring, and on paper was an ideal companion. However, everything personality and value related just did not compute. I always went into a meeting with her with a “lets make this a good night” attitude and left emotionally exhausted from a night of personality dissonance.

Relationships:

Lex: This one is two sided. I did not trust Lex, similar to Rachel, but there were things to not trust. I always had the sense that Lex was up to no good, and I don’t think that was a misguided notion. Lex loved conflict and drama, and spent most of her time digging into the shit of others. I can’t imagine this did not spill into our relationship as well, although it’s hard to tell where.

I also was not very fair to her. I, again, was very insecure, and would constantly be checking her location (one of my more alarming qualities). She was obsessed “fitting in”, and would put scandalous pictures on her social media for attention. It was fair for me to have issue with this, but I would present it in ways that were not fair to her. I should have communicated it in a simple and non-judging way, which I don’t think I did.

It’s weird, I loved spending time with her but I don’t think I actually loved her. She was something fun to experience but was not good for me, like the Rick and Morty episode where Rick sidetracks Unity from her purpose to have a good time. 

I also just run away from conflict whenever possible, which I did in that relationship. Most issues we had were only addressed when they boiled over.

It was a game to keep Lex. I had to be somebody I wasn’t (or someone I was not yet).

Friendships:

James: It was a wise decision to let go of this relationship. James was self destructive, and worse, destructive to those he was around.

Jon: I don’t blame Jon for removing me from his band. I was not a man of solutions, just problems based on my unpolished philosophies of what music should be. We innately did not see eye to eye of what art should be and it let me effect how I saw him as a person. He also was not communicative towards the end, which I can’t blame him for. Many of his faults were ones I dealt with too, which is probably why we were so close in the beginning before we blew up in spectacular fashion. My youthful whimsical idealism and his old hardened traditionalism would never see eye to eye.

Colin: Colin was caring and a lot of fun to be around. We fundamentally were very different people, however. Emotionality and Self-Made Self Acceptance were important to him, whereas I believed more in a more reserved self growth that came from disciplinary action to day to day life. We would have conversations that would really open my eyes to places that were blind to me, which I appreciated with his view of. He just was not a very disciplined person to be around, and I felt that create a rift towards him. I was also just way too close to him all the time, and felt myself needing space even when he was intruding. 

He also made several questionable decisions against me; which I both understand. I forgive him, but I cannot trust him the way I could before.

Teague: This one is complicated. I think he had a lot of expectations of me that I did not live up to. He wanted me to be forgiving to issues I did not understand. I also did things that questioned my character to him, which I think I understand. I probably looked pathetic in many of my decisions, which is probably why I hid so much information from him. There were things he did that were questionable, but maybe they weren’t the same in degree. Does dating a 18 year old just as questionable as being abusive to your dog, doing a lot of drugs, or attacking the ones closest to you? There was a degree of growth though that he was experiencing, and maybe he clumped me into the parts of himself that he needed to let go in order to grow. I can get that. Still, I can’t help but feel there is an essence of blind destruction that came from him letting me go from his life.

I think I get too close to people. Maybe I just get too close to the wrong people. I think most of my best friends have had fundamentally different approaches to life. They’ve also taken to vices that are in some ways self destructive, such as drinking or drugs. Because I don’t have the inclination to go there, thats why I push away. Theres probably a much more caring way, but its much easier to leave something than to fight for it.

One last question that I (personally) feel needs to considered as well:

3. What does my current/past company say about me as a person? What does my attraction to the history of people with mental illness say about me?

4. What if I am, in fact, a leech of “the light of others”?

Listen, feel what they’re feeling, don’t offer solutions.

Lack of exerted boundaries

Deject people using cold fish tactics

Maturity issues.

Certain issues should be valued in certain degrees.

[strengthpushingthrough]

The fundamentals of my being

Most days my brain feels like a labyrinth of endless thoughts swirling around and for most of my life it has felt that way. I am a thinker, I think all day every day and even in my sleep. I have lived with Anxiety and Bouts of Depression since I can remember and ill live with it until i die. That being said I have let it control every emotion and outcome of every situation, confrontation and even just simple conversations. Until now.

I think it always starts at the beginning i mean thats what a beginning is for right? what i mean is i think the way we think, feel, communicate, love and express ourselves and our personality and temperament are all decided before we even leave the womb and from there its dependant on our environment and  parents providing a nurturing and stable upbringing in order for us to develop in a way that is healthy. I alike many others was not given that and as much as i enjoyed my childhood breaking it down little by little i can see exactly where things when wrong and why i keep running into the walls i the built against this world. Its time to tear them down and dissect myself piece by piece.

Perfection and what it means to me

I have always been kind of a loner and have always found myself searching for that person thats going to stay. I think Perfection has been built up as this thing that will provide happiness for me sort of like a life goal. “If I'm not perfect people are always going to leave or i wasn't good enough, i wasn't perfect.” instead of having a healthy goal and striving for it i developed my own self destruction. I think it started out as “If someone didn't want to be friends with me” i wouldn't think well maybe theres something wrong with them or thats their issue. i developed the habit of blaming myself of looking inwards and looking for the imperfections that caused that person to not like me. I developed a little voice telling me i was the reason, that came from the constant bullying about my appearance of looking like a “boy” dressing in what i was comfortable with rather than what little girls were supposed to look like and it wasn't easy. I developed this from the comments from the kids at school and it seemed everywhere else too. At home it was “put something nice on and look like a girl for a change” like being comfortable in my own skin wasn't the most important thing, it was “ if you don't want to be teased dress like a girl” so i did i conformed and i learnt to be what society wanted me to be so i would be liked. but even that had its limits, that only gets you so far. it also destroys your self worth and tells you that people don't want the real you. I learnt to strive for perfection because to me if i could be perfect people would like me and i would find the person that would stay. growing up with this mindset saw me develop unhealthy attachments to clothes, shoes and material things because in school all the cool kids had all the cool stuff so surely thats what made them cool. Perfect skin is another one of these things, its like where taught from a young ago from the magazines and tv shows and movies that we must strive for that perfect skin and hairless body that anything else is disgusting. High school made me feel like my life was a joke. I had braces and pimples and i was not one of those tall girls with boys falling all over them and I'm ashamed of the way i talked to myself day in day out. I would get asked out by boys only to be dumped a minute later because who would want to go out with me. People didnt care about me I was someone to be laughed at. I was a joke. by now i had developed a sense that i was only beautiful if a boy said so and even then he could change his mind. I had a sense that i had to find validation from others, that i was more or less obsessed with trying to be perfect. How could anybody love me if i was broken, i got to the end of that with they won't and i lost interest in everything i became depressed, i wanted to die, i just wanted this pain to end. I would self destruct so much nobody even needed to say anything horrible to me i was saying it to myself from the moment i woke up and i didnt sleep i just thought about ways to end it over and over, i struggled to get out of bed in the morning so much so i wouldn't have time to do anything but get dressed and brush my teeth and be out the door. Weekends became endless days of sleeping to escape my mind and the vicious circle kept on loop. Leaving school and getting a job made this a lot better although and people weren't as horrible as they were in school and i learnt to find happiness in small things, but my strive for perfection was still there and was until about a week ago until i realised i was only enabling my self destructive side by doing that and things have changed. I feel like i opened the flood gates to the good in life. Perfection has been a rope around my neck for years and it is nothing but the most destructive word in the world. Today I am Learning to accept my imperfections because they are what make me fundamentally unique they are apart of me and i am taking control of my rebuild. I am Enough, i am more than enough for me.

My Fears

My Biggest fears are Rejection and Failure.

Rejection for me this is simply a crippling fear, it keeps my words hidden. I have in some ways found that i can put myself in positions where i could be rejected and faced this many times, because for me the risk of not living and experiencing is far worse than being rejected. So i will make the first move, i will  initiate intimate situations, i will say hello first i try to push past this fear so much but it still holds me back in so many areas.. its linked to not being good enough and perfection because if i do get rejected i will look inwards and i will self destruct. Failure is a similar fear and i think its all linked back to those feelings of hurt kept the deepest.

What I’m learning

For me i am learning that the only way to get out of my depressed mindset is to figure out what the deepest issue is thats causing it. Writing is helping so much and its a release I've never had before i feel like i am empty when I'm done and my brain can finally relax the anxious buzzing goes away and i can breathe again. I read a book Called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown a couple weeks ago and this one tip she gave me has changed my life. she talks about how she gets anxious and how to only way to stop the horrible crippling control of anxiety for her was to bring light to the Gremlins. ‘Side note here The movie the Gremlins who would come out in the darkness and could only be destroyed by the light’ its the same concept when you have the anxious feelings taking over your body step back and say okay right now right in this moment whats the issue  this is bringing light to the darkness controlling you. Usually its something small and easily fixable when you take away everything but the current moment and it really made me think.

Anxiety- This is the fear and worry about the future.

Depression- This is the inability to let go of the anger and guilt associated with the past.

For me Depression is very much the Anger and Guilt of the past, Its also environmental.

Bryan he was a source of depression for me but it was actually the feelings that were associated with it and once i was able to bring light to what was making me feel it, it went away. I have been very angry at him for a very long time and working towards forgiveness has helped manage it.

I know when I'm depressed and i now know how to manage it. it may never go away but knowing how to keep it from controlling me makes a world of difference. its the same with my anxiety.

I have also learnt to Meditate i have a mantra in which i say over and over in my head every morning for 20 mins and before bed for 20 mins this really has helped me to relax and gain control over my thoughts. sometimes my mind wanders throughout the meditation and as it does i bring my attention back to this mantra, it has helped me in situations where i feel those anxious and depressed feelings taking over and without thinking about it i stop and bring myself back to the current moment and i am able to figure out what really is bothering me.

This is my mantra

I am my skin in which i fit

I am this seat in which i sit

I am the sun warm on my face

I am the stones that pave this place

I am all trees that gives me shade

I am all grasses each single blade

I am the fresh milk in my glass

I am the cloud that make to pass

i am fur, feather, nail, beak and claw

i am heart and soul and so much more

I am earth, air, water, wind and fire

I am the sum of sexual desire

I am the eternal galactic tune

i am the planets , stars and moon

I am everything, yet nothing at all

i am a dancer at the universal ball

i am here, gone, yet here again

I am wild and free, all-knowing and tame

I am at peace in a state of elation

I am at one with the act of creation

I also have list of Affirmations on my mirror and i read them aloud to myself in the mirror before i leave for the day. Reality for me is that i am in control of my life, love and the pain i suffer. I choose to see the good and life is what i make it.

I believe in how powerful our minds are and if i can make myself feel the horrible pain because of habit and words then it is proven i can rewire my brain to find the positive as habit. This is a long journey we call life and i believe in the power of myself. if you think about it i think we all give the power of validation to others and when someone says something it can either make us feel good or bad and that can change our entire day so if i am kind to myself i will intern feel good.

The last month has been some intense soul searching, looking to the depths of my being in order to understand myself in any way I can. I think the way its going i can say that 2017 is the year i find myself in the darkest corners of my brain and breakdown the giant wall i have built to protect me.. it hasn't protected me from anything but the acceptance and love that i deserve to give myself. So heres to the start, to taking the steps in the right direction, to growing expenentially through experiencing life as myself and validating that i am whole and i have a light bright enough to light fires in the darkest of places, to endless possibilities, and to wake up everyday with the mindset that I have the power to do anything i can think of.

Peace out