#but its like my brain can't handle it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

that-jack-kline-bestie · 4 months

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#honestly i think id be in a much better place mentally/emotionally if id never developed empathy #maybe i wasnt made for it or maybe its the fact that i started developing it at such a late age #but its like my brain can't handle it #it hurts #and theres things from my childhood that when i remember them i have to process them almost anew #because i didnt have to emotionally process them #or the emotional process was quick #i mean my dad and his fiancee broke up and had a huge fight and my dad threw a toaster and it broke her nose and he went to jail for a bit.#i dont like to talk about it because people get scared for me and i feel ashamed #but my dad has never done anything like that before or since (this was 6 or 7 years ago) and has never done anything to make me feel unsafe #in fact i feel safest around him #but yeah when my mom told me what happened i cried for a while and she tried to put me in therapy #but i didnt need the therapy #i had genuinely gotten over it #and now years later with my empathy fully developed and a more mature view of what happened im having to reprocess a lot #i just have such a different view of the world and am so much more and differently emotionally affected by things

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theotherrichardpapen · 1 year

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nigel & alex - to be haunted by your love

henri nouwen // like minds (2006) // death - melanie martinez // pope alexander - crywank // her mother's kiss - eugene carriere // sometimes i fall asleep thinking about you - catarine hancock // the song of achilles - madeline miller // achilles lamenting the death of patroclus - gavin hamilton // lee martens

#am i happy with this? no. am i posting anyway? you bet your ass i am #another largely experimental post so take it with a grain of salt #honestly i could've just posted the achilles comparison part on its own and liked it better #cause that's really the part i wanted to get to #BUT the song lyrics are so load-bearing to this post. they started the whole thing. so it didn't feel right kicking them to the curb #so you get the whole shamozle lmao #anyway this post is more or less a take on the idea of when people say no one ever truly dies so long as your memory of them lives on #so long as you always carry your love for them in your heart #and how it's always meant to be a good thing you know? a positive thing #but what happens when it's not. what happens when their memory is a weight you drag forward? when that love is a haunting #when an absence becomes a presence in of itself #and you wish you could be rid of it. but you can't. and now they're in everything you do. they're everywhere you go #a permeation over every aspect of your life? how are you supposed to handle that kind of feeling #in the end this was more or less me scratching an itch wondering what life for alex was like after nigel was gone #and how fundamentally nigel does end up gaining immortality by living on in alex's memory #and arguably by becoming a part of him too #maybe my brain just hasn't fully recovered yet from being sick 🤡#like minds #murderous intent #nigel colbie #alex forbes #web weave #quotes

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mement0--m0ri · 4 months

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Last leg of my amazing 150 days abroad. Sitting in Rome's Fiumicino airport waiting to catch a flight back to Frankfurt. My flight was delayed 35mins when I was checking in my bag. By the time I got through security they added an extra 1.5 hours to the delay.

I haven't slept in 24 hours. My eyes are so dry they feel like sandpaper. My phone is at 40% and it's still snowing in Frankfurt so Im really hoping I get back to Germany today.

Pray for me.

I just wanna check into my hotel and fucking sleep.

#im so tired but also not desperate enough to be one of those people who lay on the ground and nap on the floor in an international airport #i downloaded a kindle book that Ive been waiting a year to come out but my eyes and brain are talking on different frequencies at the moment #i can't believe that Thursday next week Im on a plane home to Australia #also its like -9° c tonight in Frankfurt and Im pretty sure my home town was like 31°c at the moment #im going to fucking die next week #like I dont handle the heat on a good day #and now Im going from literally snow delaying my flight to a queensland summer #personal #cassa studies abroad 2023

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daz4i · 4 months

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suicide and general negativity ig

i hate that english doesn't have a good word for מיואש (filled with despair. hopeless? ig) bc this is how i'm feeling fr

there is just. nothing good. and there is so much bad - both BAD bad bc of the war but also mundane bad bc yknow, Life - that i'm getting so overwhelmed i can't handle anything

my whole month is filled with medical shit and there's probably gonna be even more bc i need more tests and they're all just. such a pain to do (it sounds whiny but genuinely i can't handle them. just thinking abt them makes me so anxious bc they all require lots of painful preparation, sometimes for a few days, and they're so gross and require being poked with needles which my medical trauma certainly isn't helping with. and even tho i did so many already they can't find shit and i'm so tired i'm so done with this body

and like. it'd be one thing if i wanted to live. if i wanted to make my life better or thought it was possible. but by now i know it's not and i know i won't so it just becomes infinitely harder. like if i compare life to being in prison, it feels like the warden decided to torture me just for fun to make it even worse

but there is nothing good there is nothing to look forward to bc everything is shit and nothing's worth it and i hate when ppl tell me to enjoy the little things bc there is nothing to enjoy about them either. i can't have most of them anyway. i wish i could. but this shitty ass body and fucked up brain won't let me

there is no future for me i know i'm never gonna amount to anything when i can't even do the most basic shit about being human, literally how am i gonna be able to fulfill my """"potential"""" when i can't even do stuff like eat or sleep normally. when i can't go outside. when i can't handle being around people. when my body crashes and burns after standing for a few minutes or walking for more than a couple hundred meters. what even IS there for me to achieve in such a state. the only win i can have is getting out of bed and it doesn't feel like a win because i don't. want. to live. i have fucking professionals, people getting paid to help me do at least some of these things, and i can't bring myself to even take the first step bc just thinking about it makes me clam up so bad i can't move or talk and everything starts hurting so much more

there's not even. mundane fun. or joy. bc no one i know has time or energy for that. bc that's just what being an adult is ig. not that there's much to do in order to have fun anyway. like i said nothing to look forward to everything is so shit and nothing actually brings me joy anyway and it's not like i can handle being around people enough to help with that

i was not meant to be alive i am not designed to exist and like at this point I'd assume my who knows how many near death experiences may have been the universe trying to correct the mistake that is my existence and for some reason not managing to pull through the final stretch

i'm so tired i'm so done with this i wish i could be killed in some certain quick way bc i can't. i can't handle any of this. this is too much

#vent #a very long one. because. i am doing very bad rn 👍#i am in the trenches as they say.#suicide //#what if i take a bunch of pills. ik i'm just more likely to throw up then get hospitalized but man :/#my body is so fragile yet so resilient at the same time. it can't handle anything but it survives through everything #man i'd ask for help rn but idk what even could help me rn. other than being killed i mean #already took a clonex and i can feel it fighting for its life to calm me down but unfortunately. my shitty brain's shittiness is stronger #anyway sorry for all the negative bullshit it's been a bad week and it's gonna be a bad month #january usually is honestly.#i mean last year i met [redacted] and they did make me want to live but! that lasted a month. so. no more will to live for me 👍#sorry for the even more negativity #trying to keep it contained to one post at least to spare your dashboard more bullshit later tonight #...i want to know ppl don't want me gone tho. maybe. idk if that'll help. but. ugh idk how to ask for things sorry

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waterdeepthroat · 7 months

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i really wish i could be one of those people who do gorgeous edits of their ocs but i am the opposite of a visual person and any time i try to use visual editing software i get so frustrated i burst into tears

#this post is about gimp specifically. something about it is too much for my brain to handle and it seems like everybody else gets it #and i feel awful bc its so hard for me and i don't know why. i can't even vocalise why its hard but it just doesn't make sense #im breaking down over a fucking character template bc my brain is fucking broken and everyone else seems to think it's so easy #ive seen so many tutorials and i just want to make something pretty for denandras and i just fucking cant. and now im breaking down over it #before anyone asks. no i am not a photoshop user

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sakuhina · 1 year

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i have a driving license exam tomorrow and am not ready at all

#i failed like 4 times already i hate it i know the things but i can't pass no matter what #this sucks man!!! 😂😂😂#idk if other countries its the same but here you can only pass with only 3 wrong and i always go with 4 or 6 wrong it sucks man!!!#maybe its a sign i should give up #but mom would be disappointed :(#there's also a thing that happened where in my old job my boss wouldn't let me be absent so i didn't have classes for almost a whole year #before doing the exams so maybe that's one of the reasons who knows #maybe i'm just too smart for the code and they can't handle my brain #😌#also i didn't want to learn how to drive it was my uncle randomly one day was like come to this school and lets see what you think #and then just signed me up without asking me or my mom lmao so it's not all on me..#my mom also has trauma from driving bc my dad would always yell at her when driving so she hasnt drived for almost 30 years #so obviously she wants me to learn to not be stuck with public transportion #but alas #m.text

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tittyinfinity · 9 months

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Anyone have any experience with taking pain medication and ADHD medication at the same time? My doctor says I have to choose one or the other but I can't have both

#i mean it makes sense whenever you think about how an upper and a downer would react together #however my pain meds give me way more energy while they make other people more tired #its almost like an upper for me. and it also helps with my executive functioning too #i wouldnt give up the pain meds thoufh FUCK that #I've been handling this ADHD brain for 28 years but i can't deal w this constant intense pain #im sitting at a 5 rn after tylenol and ibuprofen #if there is a way i can be prescribed both and have them both work that would be cool #id take the side effects of the meds over the side effects of my adhd and chronic pain

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heart-bones · 9 months

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anyway here's my face after a very long time away

I'm trying to use my tablet & I'm about to give up again

#maybe i just need one that's a *draw on the screen kind* because its like my brain can't handle the pen to plastic then watch on screen #it lags and isnt smooth and i fucking hate it

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illithiddies · 7 months

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Hm. Having thoughts

#rant in tags just to get it off my brain. its personal shit not entirely bg3 shit.#but I think I've realized very suddenly that I've been pushing my own boundaries for the sake of companionship #and the irony is BITTER considering the character ive just spent the last month obsessed with.#and that this problem involves online spaces about said character.#i will absolutely give the bg3 fandom credit for handling topics like SA better than the star wars fandom ever did while I was in it.#i was so aggressive to defend my own space and peace of mind due to that and I pushed a lot of people away. I cut a lot of people off.#But then I wound up in spaces that ended up making me feel like I was walking on eggshells constantly for even just liking #certain characters or being too old. But now that im out of those spaces im just. fucking lonely man.#i miss having people to talk about fandom with.#i miss having people to bounce ideas off and enjoy hours long conversations about meta and story ideas.#i miss it so much. but i think as soon as i got into bg3 and dropped that defensiveness i think i left myself TOO open.#im too eager to insert myself into a spaces that im realizing very frequently go WAY the fuck past my comfort zone.#and obviously im minding my own business. even in the past i never sent hate. i just blocked and cut ties and moved on.#i can click out of a discord channel when i realize a topic isn't for me.#but my realization today is that im doing that so frequently that im wondering why im bothering at all?#why am i driven to befriend people if it's clear that their favored topics are ones I can't stomach?#I can acknowledge that im not mentally going to be safe in a space but why have I been forcing myself to ignore that?#i dunno it just. felt very strange to realize this suddenly #questlog

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mrfoox · 1 year

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Once I learn the difference between me having a crush and me being (hyper)fixated on a person, it's all over

#miranda talking shit #Autism tag #I do kinda have some idea.... But its hard. I think the biggest difference is how nervous and 'diffrent' i am around them #As usual i struggle to say excatly what it is im feeling for a person. I just know at the bottom i care about them a lot #But do i have a crush or am i just fixated bc they are intresting to me? Who knows lmao #The few moments i had my doubts with fabian it was fine tbh. But my fixation with him was intense bht short-lived #Now im just like... He baby. I got an idea how he works so i am no longer obsessed #Unfortunately oliver ive still not gotten an handle on. I found him intresting from the first few months of knowing him #But after a year it just became way deeper since we started to discuss such topics. Now I'm like... I probably dont have a crush on you #I probably just really want to understand you. But who knows honestly but please talk to me more i got to ask more things #As i turned 18 and had my breaking point and then started to recover and meet a lot of new different people...#I slowly but surely got so intrested in people unlike myself. Usually unknown things scare me but something changed and since then it just #Wants me to hear more and understand as much as i can about them. Guess its my autistic brain seeing them as a mystery or a puzzle #Challenging things mentally like that really is something i love. I love to think and thoerize and wonder. I do however hate it #Like... I feel creepy about it. I know i dont feel this way intentionally but i also can't tell anyone about it without them thinking im #Weird or creepy etc. Or i guess i am scared people will think i dont care about people but just want to study them? Its more the other way #Around. I care about people and thus want to understand them? Dont enjoy it though. It feels wrong and i feel guilty :')

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princemick-archive · 1 year

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#bringing up boundries n things that u can't really handle that u know are meant as a joke bc u make those jokes too #but then its done in some specific way and it hits a really really shit trauma response and immediately fucks ur brain n shit #god how the FUCK do i bring up not liking that w/out being whiney and real fucking annoying man fucking hell #i hate my brain why do I have to have shit n dumb trauma that are unexplainableeee #anyways #delete later

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piplupod · 2 years

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genuinely very :( because i looked at the doesthedogdie page for the sandman and here we are yet again w the excessive gore !!!! i am so fsjdfjkl tired of it!!! i cannot watch it now bc wowzas there is. a lot of shit in there. RIP me and my sensitive little snowflake soul i guess :/

#rly frustrated w myself that i can't watch any mainstream shit these days bc everything has just disgusting amounts of gore #i can do violence and blood and even the occasional internal organ #but GOD. so much of this stuff is incredibly realistic (which is cool i guess! but why!!) and its just. Overkill honestly #im just fhsdhghsgjkl why cant i be normal and desensitized to all of it #why do i have to be such a fucking wimp about it #also i can't even do much for blood these days bc my brain will see it and start fixating on relapsing in SH lmao #genuinely feel like such a fucking wuss and like i just should not be allowed to live bc i'm such a fucking idiot abt things jdsfjkl #anyways. lowkey upset bc it looks like such a cool concept and plotline but of COURSE i cannot handle shit in it #because EVERY cool show these days has to have excessive gore and suicide/SH implications/references #fucking tired of it. make better shows honestly fjsfjkl #but then also maybe im being a prude so idk #i feel like a wuss and i also feel like maybe im right but also maybe im just being a prude and killing art by criticizing this #so. who the fuck knows. im tired and i cannot have a single thought anymore without picking it apart into little pieces #self harm mention #suicide mention #ALSO HI LOL DID YOU MISS ME VENTING ON HERE :))))) IM SO SORRY THAT IM BACK i'll try to stay quiet more though lol

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hummingbirdswords · 2 years

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#went 24 hours without getting high to test something out #and I did not realize how terribly I sleep sober until it was nearly 4 in the morning and I was still awake #💀💀💀#how the heck do ppl function like this #I can handle the day if my pain isn't too bad but jfc my body just doesn't understand the concept of sleep on its own #which shouldn't surprise me since I used to have terrible insomnia growing up #but I just can't shut my brain off at the end of the day manually #now I must face the day with half of the sleep I usually get and im gonna be a cranky bitch about it #thankfully I interact with a grand total of zero ppl for work BUT STILL #gonna do another day without being elevated but I absolutely will not be continuing this for a second night #sleep is too precious to me

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seraphim-soulmate · 4 months

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me to myself, (about me), "oh man this is all gonna fuck him up so bad when he finally wakes up from the post-op fog and realizes the amount of suffering he's endured is gut-wrenching and will make him puke from crying. anyways time to go do some other random thing to distract myself bcs I obviously am not yet cognitively capable of confronting the carnage that my life became"

*sits down with popcorn to watch the shitshow "me" will have to endure once I come back to myself*

OH FUCK ITS ME IM ME I LIVED THIS AND IM GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT ALL FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

#personal #me #i love the post-op + medication + trauma brain fog #where its like im fully functional and weirdly upbeat for someone to whom really terrifying things have happened to!#oh wait. its because I didn't actually emotionally process any of it.#enough of me is left to make rational conscious decisions and to cry at puppy videos #the part that handles the Big Stuff is Offline at the moment actually. not me thinking ive just been coping really well lol #> his trauma response mechanisms kicked in and he didn't even realize it lol #like every time i talk about everything ive gone through surrounding this recovery im aware it's horrifying #but im not quite getting the adequate feedback from people #i think the feedback i would require is to break down sobbing and hug me and rock me oh. its saving me.#FUCK i gotta do that shit myself too oh gofdamn it i have to be niceys with me. more than i have been.#my trauma response might also actually just be correct in this one tbh like maybe I really can't handle all of this actually #that would be fair! i understand why you'd check out of the hotel california! (my brain)#sorry me for being mean and not understanding what you're going through im going to try to be more there for you <3

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gaystardykeco · 10 months

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need to sleep but the Dread is consuming me

#i just feel like smth bad is going to happen tonight. but also i feel like this p often on random nights where nothing bad happens so.#it could be bc i had caffeine this morning and its still fucking with my. brain #or more likely its bc im back on the overnight call list for work starting tonight and continuing the rest of the time i have this job #being able to not be on it while i was on vacation was so nice like i could actually sleep #still couldnt sleep through the night but at least when i did wake up it didnt take me an hour to fall back to sleep #generally when i feel this much dread on a night i can get work calls its bc theres going to be a call sometime between 3 and 6am that nigh #hopefully there wont be but ik this dread and anxietys gonna fuck up my sleep regardless so whatever #i dont really want to move to nyc but if i get this job offer i think i just need to bc this job is fucking me up so bad #if it wasnt for this fucking on call thing itd be tolerable but i just can't handle the on call thing #the fear that ill get a call and not know how to solve the problem and have to call my boss or coworker to help is killing me #ik its stupid but i have really bad anxiety around waking ppl up and asking ppl for help and calling ppl so #perfect combination to make me Suffer ig #and i did try talking to my boss about it and told him it was the reason i was unhappy on the team #and he essentially said i just need to be better at my job so we get less calls and that being on call is essential and unavoidable #if i dont get the nyc job i might need to just quit anyway which i know is pathetic but i just cant handle this on top of the other things #like i cant have no friends and a useless therapist and meds that dont work and no sense of self and a million other things #and then on top of that a job that makes it so i cant even sleep which is the one thing ive always been okay at and not had problems with #i know its so silly and i know i need to be grateful this job pays me well and shut up #i just am so miserable and i need to be able to sleep like i need that one thing please #sorry for being ridiculous and insane i know its stupid to be this upset over this #sorry dkdkjd sorry about all this i genuinely cant believe anyone still follows me when i post this bullshit #hopefully its fairly easy to ignore and everyones just not expanding the tags so im just screaming into the void #cant tell if i really want no one to see this or if im putting it all here all the time so i can pretend someone is reading it and cares #idk im just so tired and so sad and so scared all the fucking time and i think i just dont want to always be alone in it idk #and i know my problems arent real or serious or bad but unfortunately im pathetic and spoiled and theyre destroying me anyway

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rubiesintherough · 10 months

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#welp. just logged onto my resource blog and i have the new dash there #and its so overwhelming i cant handle it and process it and i started getting panicky #bc my brain cant handle that much coming at it at once #so just want to give a forewarning now #if i log on here and my dash is like that #i will be going on hiatus until there's a patch on xkit or something to fix it or an option to revert it back #bc i will not be able to be on here dealing with all the extra stuff on my screen #fuck you tumblr staff. hope you choke.#writing here and being here is one of the few coping skills i have left #with my life going to shit and you're making it completely unusable to me #so yeah #sorry everybody but want to drop this ahead of time #in case it happens before a patch comes out #i'll drop a post going on hiatus if i log on and my dash is changed #bc i can't.#i cant fucking deal with all this right now #hope tumblr staff reverts it bc they're fucking idiots #and maybe they should listen to their user base for ONCE in their incompetent lives #venting tw #negativity tw

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