#and its so overwhelming i cant handle it and process it and i started getting panicky

[rubiesintherough]

.

[kiwibongos]

im writing Something for a little fic and i was putting stuff in my notes for later on and it really just made me realize like how fucked up hajime is after all the Horrors. like, emotionally. him rediscovering emotions entirely. (maybe someone has talked abt this before, i just wanna store this here)

because when he's less of a hollow shell, all there is is grief and guilt in his brain. but then as time goes on, he slowly rediscovers what it means to be human, and learns these feelings again one by one. and it has to be such an agonizing process too ? and when they do happen, theyre all extremely overwhelming, out of the blue, and most likely even caused by really small things. my dude will eat a stale piece of bread or even smell expired dairy products, suddenly relearn disgust and feel ABSOLUTELY nauseous and just hurl over lmaoo

but for as for more serious topics, like properly feeling anger again, it'd be ticked off by little shit, bc he doesn't wanna lose control like that cause the frustration doubles. it'd get bad when he makes a mistake too. he'd freak the hell out, because izuru was the embodiment of perfection, of every talent cultivated into one single brain, so he *cant* mess up, but its too much for him to handle cause he's so used to being under that obligation and expectation, but now that he's losing his stability over all that, when he messes up just *slightly*, he feels ashamed and tries to fix it as fast as possible, whether or not its a big deal. itd definitely be really hard to get out of the mindset that, even though hes not izuru anymore, he has to be perfect. to him, he has to stay that way. cause if he fails at all, then he can't protect his friends anymore. does that make sense. the pressure would be literally crushing

also shock/surprise/excitement. everything was predictable and boring to him as izuru, so obviously all of that is still a huge issue that still lingers within him after the simulation, so he'd probably overcome that first and be caught off guard a lot bc, well, he's learning to be hajime again, he's not *exactly* the op superhuman genius anymore (in my head at least. cause when two minds practically mash together weirdly it creates a horrible hit-or-miss concoction lol) so even basic things become brand new to him, and hes fascinated and curious by everyone and everything. not like hes never seen it before, but its like hes experiencing it for the first time, even if its just mundane tasks in life, new methods and alternatives to things, etc. he's generally a very observant guy, and would also pick up on little traits and habits from all his friends. i have the feeling people would rub off on him extremely easily

love, serenity and happiness itself would be extremely hard to tackle and learn, or even notice? i think of so many scenarios of how this could happen. cause like sure he can feel joy, he can be glad, proud, relieved, and smile because his friends are there. but he's still yet to experience what happiness truly is, what it means to him, and it's not something he can do alone. so it just takes a while for that big boom to happen. perhaps its up to interpretation how it happens, go for it idc i have alot of scenarios stirring up in my brain, but overall, i think him actually bursting with happiness and feeling genuine peace within himself, and realize hes grateful for the life he has, and the future he got to choose, would probably be caused in the process of moving to jabberwock island. just seeing all his friends on the boat and knowing they've made it this far, and theyre going to be starting a new life on this island, and that theyre safe, would be enough to just like hit him. like Ough. and thats when he actually consciously realizes that he's happy, when every other waking moment, there's been some kind of empty pit in his stomach eating at him for so long

on top of all of this, he cant really control his emotions very well, either. thats also another massive con to all of it, and a downside of relearning these things because of how strongly they came swinging back. its alot to handle. even if theres so much knowledge packed in his brain, one little thing like that could be enough to make him bluescreen. so he ends up just going on autopilot or stuffing all of it away, just to make the bad stuff stop. (it becomes a very unhealthy habit that bites him in the ass later. everyone is mad at him for not taking care of himself. hajime is then swaddled into a blanket with a kiss on the forehead)

anyway theres probably more to add and id get into the nitty gritty of specific shit but i had to impulsively dump this here so might as well put up the basics. makes me so excited to work on this fic more, even if its in a more somber, different context, i just love to think about hajime and how he works through his emotions and picking up his old traits. yknow, being himself. but at the same time he isn't doing it alone. let my boy be happy. let him find himself again and move on from izuru

[khaleesiofalicante]

Okay so yesterday I had a great bonding time with my mum, everything was great and I told myself I could wait until Saturday to read the new chapter. Spoiler Alert: I didn't. There are many thoughts that haunt me but I would like to talk about one of them: I feel like David cared more about what was in that diary than what Max had to tell him, and to a certain extent I get it. I mean I get like that too sometimes, I care about books and characters like they were real people and their pain is my pain and all of it is kinda messed up but I really get it. I just... I just think he needs to come back to reality. Because his kids don't belong in the show and the man he loves doesn't just exist as Micheal, they are all real and he can have them and it just feels like he is too afraid to take them or he feels like he can no longer have them. And the latter seems more possible, given how adamant he was that Max didn't love him anymore... I just think they're all really hurt and no one can see the big picture and that's not good. Plus sometimes I feel like David freezes. Like, in the flashbacks he is more open to showing his feelings, he laughs he teases he gets drunk he cries and he cries a lot and I don't mean that as a bad thing, it means he expresses himself without shame and that's wonderful but now he doesn't. He doesn't yell( except that one Mona time) he doesn't cry he just stares and its freaking me out. And I think the way you have written his character is really well handled, I mean we get to see things he does and says but not his thoughts or his perspective, how he feels about spending time with the kids and Max or Jaden or anything really. Don't get me wrong, I love Max in IALS, I really do,and I really get things from his perspective, i cant imagine how I would react if someone else was raising my kids, let alone the whole show/Jaden situation(I feel like David told Mallory that in order to protect the kids and not because he actually believes its his kids and not theirs but thats a different discussion)but he is more transparent than David.You have taken a character whose feelings were very easy to read in every other reality you have him and in this one you have made a mystery out of him and I think that shows real talent so hat's off to you. I just can't wait for the chapters where we get to see David's feelings and opinions on the current time line, because sometimes it feels like he lives without reacting, like his real life is the movie and the show is his reality, and I dont even know what I'm saying at this point. So to sum up, IALS has destroyed me ,my thoughts go a million miles a minute with theories and speculations and pain and hope(because hope is for the fools) and once again thank you and your talent for making me have... feelings, ugh!

I read this thrice. Three fucking times.

And I'm obsessed with it. As a writer, I know I put a lot of thought into what I write. But it never ceases to amaze me how much thought you guys put into reading these stories. It's overwhelming. Thank you.

You are absolutely right in the fact that David's narrative in the story (except for the flashbacks) is simply him reacting to situations. I once read somewhere that there is a difference between living and existing. I feel David just exists. He isn't living. He isn't alive. He almost feels like one of the characters from his show. Someone who is not real.

Even though his povs are so simple and straightforward, I find them the hardest to write. Because I have to make sure I don't write the way I LBAF David or any other Davids. It's a weird process. To write a character who feels so much and feels so freely as someone who is almost emotionless.

But I promise you he will feel again. You see, David stopped feeling when he lost something important. And he will start feeling again, not when he gets it back (you don't necessarily need closure to heal), but when he loses something again. And it makes him feel the pain, and every other emotion he keeps inside himself.

We are extremely close to getting closure. Well, not closure. But we are extremely close to understanding his part of the story. I know we get flashbacks from him, but every flashback says more about Max than it says about David. But it's going to change now :)

See you Saturday. It's an important chapter x

[puppynosed]

:’•{

[feralkin]

hm

[i-will-physically-fight-you]

Are you going to finish the Tiny Virgil AU? Cause the last chapter ended on a cliffhanger. If you don't feel like finishing the whole thing, you could maybe give us bullet points of what was supposed to happen?

Ahaha whoops, I kinda forgot that fic. at the rate I'm going, it'll take like ten years for that or any of my other fics to get finished. Tbh, I actually have a whole outline for that one? Acantha (@theeternalspace) and I brainstormed the rest ages ago and then I took our thoughts and bullet-outlined it out.

The thing is? Like, emotionally I want to hold onto my thoughts and finish it, but if I am to be completely honest, realistically it probably won't happen. Because I wanna prioritize Gibbous over it and all.

so tldr: I'd like to write more installments, but in the case I never finish it and/or you don't care about spoilers, check the read more for what happens.

warnings: hurt/comfort, crying, morally grey sides (all sides are present so beware idk its been awhile im not up to date with how the fandom handles this sorta thing)

Chapter 5

Anx cant believe he forgot about Thomas!

He was so caught up in Creativity wanting to play with him, he's forgotten about his whole purpose

He goes to the real world, worried about all the things that could've befallen his host without his guidance

Anx is confused to be faced with adult Morality and another...side?

"Thomas?"

Thomas is big, Anx is not

This can't be real, can it? How can he protect Thomas like this?

Roman shows up, but the damage is dealt (Ro and Pat converse a bit)

Virge starts panicking and panics even more when he sees Thomas affected by it

Ro & Pat try to comfort Virge but no use

It's Thomas who gets to him. Who is...helping? Why?

"Wh-why are you so nice? I'm bad, I hurt you--I do bad things."

Thomas looks sad at that. He tries to explaining that he doesnt think Virge is bad, he can be good

Virge doesnt really understand but at the same time...Thomas loves him??

Thomas offers him a hug and he accepts it. Still so confused but at least his host loves him.

Chapter 6

Virgil ends up tuckered up in Thomas' arms

"Crying is exhausting, don't like it" He complains to Roman.

"I know. You've been very brave, little prince."

It's not that late but Thomas seems nervous. "I should go to bed." (Basically feels like if he doesnt adhere to his childhood bedtime, he'll get in trouble aka lil Virgil's influence)

Patton asks if he'd like for him to accompany him and Thomas nods

Roman and Virgil end up back in the mindscape with Patton promising to follow soon after

Roman tucks him into bed

Patton comes back, looking tired, and both Roman and Patton agree to talk with Logan in the morning about things

in the morning with Virgil still asleep, Lo, Pat and Ro talk briefly

Logan shares some theories (Age regression maybe?)

Patton tells them what's up with Thomas

Roman decides to bother the Dark Sides. "If this happened before in the past, they would know, wouldn't they? And if they're behind it this time then I can get them to stop it"

They decide to have Patton look out for Thomas again and for Logan to watch over Virgil while Roman ventures out to the Dark Sides

Chapter 7

Logan mulls over what is happening

Grateful that Thomas is going to bed early at least

He is not worried, he is Logic

Tries focusing hard on his book

Virgil wakes up, disappointed to see Logan and not Roman

Roman ventures through the dark mindscape

infodump detail on how it differs vs. the regular mindscape, quiet, silence nobody is around

"HELLO" Roman screams as his brother pops up

"What do I owe brother dear for this visit?"

Virgil is worried about Roman, but Logan placates him a bit

The two end up doing a puzzle

During which Virgil randomly hugs Logan

When Logan asks why, Virgil explains "You're scared. Hugs make me feel less scared"

Logan thanks him for the sentiment but insists he is not scared

"You're scared, I can feel it. It's okay, I get scared lots of times so you don't have to." Virgil says

And then Logan's fear dissipates

He stares at Virgil, shocked, because did tiny virge take his fear away??

And if so, if tiny virge knows how to do this, has adult Virgil been doing it without them knowing??

Chapter 8

"I know you did it" Roman growls. It makes sense really. Remus did random things for sh*t and giggles

Remus blinked "Oh! You found out about ____, didn't you?"

"What no!" Roman says, disgusted. "I'm talking about Virgil."

"Wait, you think I did it with Virgil? Mr. Emo?"

"NO!" Roman snaps. "Stop playing dumb!"

The two have a scuffle, ending up with Remus having a sword at Ro's throat (who is stuck in green goop)

"I really don't know what you mean." Remus says, "What is it exactly do you think I did again?"

Logic must hate him, Anx thinks, otherwise why would he be looking strangely at him?

but its okay, even if it really really really hurts, Anx has done it before and would do it again to keep from any of them feeling pain

He asks if Anx took his fear away and he nods

surely this must be a happy thing but Logic seems even more upset

the fear grappling tiny virge is foreign. It's so different than fears he's taken before. He finds himself drowning in it. he doesnt quite understand most of it. But there's fears about himself, Logic being scared for him, not of him. (basically oh boy adult fears are much harder to process for a child Anxiety)

Logic grips his hand and asks for his fears back

"I can't" Tiny Virge says, shaking like a leaf

Logan asks it again. Virge shakes his head "I can't, I--I don't know how!"

He really doesnt know how. Usually he just holds it all in until it explodes.

Logic echoes some of what the fear is telling him, that Logic cares for him. And weirdly, it means a lot for him to hear that Logic actually cares.

But noooo he must only care because of Thomas, right?

Anyways this is resolved somehow idk lmao and then Logan is called to help with Thomas

Virgil promises Lo he'll be okay, not wanting to stop him from being able to help their host

Logan promises he'll back momentarily

Virgil squeezes Zola and tries his best to stay calm

Previously on Rem and Ro

Roman spills the beans on whats up

Deadbeat silence

Remus then babbles about how he has no clue what Roman is talking about, but is super intrigued and wants to check this out for himself

He sinks out as Roman grabs onto his ankle, but isn't enough to stop him from sinking out.

Chapter 9

"Hiya!"

Little Anx squeaks, shadows gathering at his feet, ready to strike at....

A Green-Dressed Creativity? He dresses fancily like him.

"Princey?"

Green laughs. "No, I'm The Duke! Princey's my brother!"

And Lil Virge is kinda confused but rolls with it because Creativity pretending to be someone else/splitting himself into two is a very Creativity thing to do and isn't too worried about it.

Roman shows up, fuming

However, because of Virgil, he has to play nice

They end up having a pretend tea party

Roman finds himself shocked that Remus is decent with kids? Or at least a Kid Anxiety??

He still says outrageous things but Virge giggles at them (Basically kids really have no baseline for moral right-or-wrong, they find talk of murder funny)

Roman feels a bit guilty/regretful realizing he never played much with Remus growing up

Eventually, Logan pops up slightly frazzled

He's relieved to see the twins there looking after Virgil

Explains the situation w/ Thomas to Roman while Remus and Virgil play

Patton pops up, looking slightly weary, leading Roman and Logan to insist he take a day off from watching Thomas

Upon seeing Logan & Patton, Virgil runs up to hug Logan, but shies away from Patton

Patton tries to hide his disappointment about this

Remus tries to leave upon seeing Lo and Pat are here

but Virge clings to him, insisting he stays

The Others agree, and Remus perks up a bit.

Somewhere, there's a discussion about Virge again, late at night?

Logan reveals Virgil taking fears from him

At some point it's decided to leave Janus out of it as it's unknown how little Virge would react to him and the fact that Janus most likely knows what's up and has chosen to stay out of it

It's decided that Remus and Roman will traverse the Imagination to see if there's a solution there

Logan will be with Thomas

Meanwhile Patton will look after Virgil

Chapter 10

Patton's POV

Little Virge is upset about both Remus and Roman leaving

they try to placate him but it does little. (Telling him how they'll stay safe and they don't want him going because they want to keep him safe)

Patton's heart breaks but he has to holds back Virge.

Eventually the two have heart-to-heart

Apparently the two had a classic childhood spat, that means a lot to Virge even tho poor Pat doesnt remember the spat at all.

Pat tells them they're the best of friends now, even shows him evidence

Virge feels a little better

Sees a snake stuffy in Pat's room, asks about Dee

Patton deflects

The two end up making cookies together

The Imagination is a bust, although the twins return squabbling in a good mood

And Remus has a "present" for Virgil, who delights in it.

They chat, when suddenly Virgil screams

Chapter 11

Virgil's POV

He's been trying his best to stay calm, to hold back the anxiety gained from Logan and also the other fears swelling inside of him

But it's too much, and push comes to shove. A burning sensation occurs

And it explodes

He has a panic attack and realizes it extends into the real world

Overwhelmed and upset, he runs off.

He runs off to his hideaway and sits there

Getting bombarded with fears

He's there for what feels like hours when--

"Oh my dear Anxiety" A crooning, unfamiliar yet familiar voice says

Virgil looks, surprised, to see Deceit!! There's a lot more scales and he's wearing a funny outfit but it's him

He is happy to see him albeit sobbing into his capelet because of what happened.

Dee holds onto him going, “Shhhh everything’s alright. Shhh it’s not your fault. It’s my fault, I’m sorry—“ and Virgil interrupts shrieking it can’t be his fault, because in his mind Dee would never do anything bad and it hurts Dee to know that young Virge has so much faith in him.

"You'll hate me" But Little Virge refuses to accept that. "You're lying, you don't mean that"

"Okay, you caught me. "We stay best friends forever" OR something along those lines

Dee convinces him to bring back to the others, that they don't hate him

When they return, the others "freaking out" is a mild understatement.

Dee slowly produces tiny Virge out of his capelet.

Hisses at them to keep their distance because crowding Virge will only freak him out

Apologies and misunderstandings are made clear

Thomas summons all of them and they all have a sleepover

Virgil falls asleep snuggled between Remus and Dee

Chapter 12

Maybe Roman's POV?

Along with Thomas, they have a discussion

Dee waits a bit, before revealing that he's behind the reason for Virge's current state.

As his role Deceit, he has access to both truth and lies. One lie is that Virgil believes his kid self died and is no longer a part of him--attempting to actively repress those memories

He then points out the childish aspects of each side's function. (Maybe Logan input something about growing up and stuff)

P: "But why would Virgil think this?" J: "oh gee, I wonder why. It isn't like he was made to feel like an outcast from a very young age or anything"

Instant Guilt for all

Anyways Dee explains some mishap occurred, thus reverting Virgil back to this state

You get the sense Janus isn't telling the whole truth.

Janus says he has a way to fix things, and that's when there's a noise

"Anx?"

Virge is there, standing incredibly still, slightly heavy breathing

"Anx, it's okay, we're not upset"

Little Virge heard everything and is upset but he understands

He knows Thomas needs big him, and the others reassure him that they'll be there for him, each having a small moment with him

Then he starts glowing brightly, causing them all to be alarmed, Janus included

Chapter 13

Virgil is back and boiiiiiii is he freaked the heck out

The Others including Thomas are all there, F*CK how can he ever recover after they saw him like that?

He's both embarrassed and mortified

Not to mention it hurts to have two sets of childhood memories rattling inside his head. One that was lonely and painful, and the other that was happy but fake

He snaps at Janus and ends up fleeing in his room

He doesn't duck out

He cant do that

He just doesnt....go out. He doesn't want to hear the jokes start. He doesnt want the babying or the pitying to start.

He does his job and that is that.

(inwardly he knew this would happen, but not like this)

They try summoning him (Thomas included) but he wont come out. His door is locked.

Patton slips a note under the door but Virge refuses to look at it.

Blares MCR

Somehow Zola appears in his room, and he'd like to tear it apart or something, but he can't help but squeeze the stuffed bat tight and cry for the childhood that never was.

A week passes, and there's a very sad prince at his door

Virgil ends up letting him in because look, he's not a monster

it's very...awkward at first

but they eventually have a heart-to-heart and some snarky banter

and Virgil is very confused when Princey feels the need to apologize to him

They also discuss Janus and Virgil very reluctantly agrees to talk to him

Virgil ends up talking with Janus over tea

Janus doesn't really look at him, staring at his teacup as he explains himself

and dammit, Janus has hurt him (but then again so has Virgil hurt Janus)

But a part of him really misses him. A part of him that has always missed him.

Janus explains he just wanted to know where he went wrong in their friendship, that he went the round-about way because knew Virgil wouldn't talk to him but messed with things he shouldnt and accidentally caused Virgil to revert to the age before their friendship started fraying by accident.

He admits that he almost wanted to leave Virgil that age, to take advantage of it as a way to start again, but ultimately couldnt let himself take advantage of virgil in that way

He also apologizes, telling Virgil "Showing weakness isn't bad. I told you once that you had to stay strong and not let anyone see it, but I was wrong" and that he understands if Virgil doesnt accept his apology right away or if ever

And Virgil doesnt completely accept, not yet, but he's willing to try

It ends happily with them going down to dinner with the others. (possibly Virgil having moments with the others??)

the end

BONUS, Written Scene from Chapter 11 w/ Virge's and Janus's reunion because I was self-indulgent and wrote ahead

“Oh my dear Anxiety,” A silky voice croons, so achingly familiar.

He sniffles, raising his head to meet eyes with the much older face of his best friend; Deceit. It has to be, there is no other side whose left side of face is reptilian in nature. He’s crouching beside Virgil, only one set of arms present at the moment. He’s wearing a funny outfit, but then Deceit has always dressed funny, just like Creativity. Neither of them have ever been worried about standing out.

“Dee!” Anxiety cries out, all but flinging himself onto the older side. The velocity of it flattens the two onto the ground, with Deceit letting a small grunt from the impact. He’d be more worried about possibly hurting Deceit if he wasn’t too busy bawling his eyes out into the strange cape Deceit is wearing.

Deceit strokes his hair, so soft and gentle. Then two sets of arms hoist Anxiety upwards, settling him onto Deceit’s lap. Deceit hugs Anxiety, cocooning him in a warm embrace. For a moment, everything feels normal again. As if they’re all kids still and Anxiety had sought Deceit for comfort after a bad nightmare.

Then Deceit speaks, saying words meant to be comforting. They are comforting at first, until Deceit says things that don’t make sense. And Anxiety knows Deceit is a liar, that he says things that aren’t true. But he knows when Deceit isn’t lying. They’re best friends after all.

“Shhh, it’ll be alright. Shhh, it’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I hurt you and I’m--”

“No!”

“No?” Deceit repeats.

“No, it--it--you didn’t do anything bad, you wouldn’t!” Anxiety says, nearly shrieking, “You’d never, ever, hurt me. We’re best friends and best friends don’t do that.”

A strange, choking noise erupts from Deceit. Anxiety looks to see Deceit’s human eye glistening. His best friend’s lips quiver, like Anxiety gets when he gets too scared to speak. Except Deceit is never scared. He always knows what to say in a situation, confident in ways Anxiety could never be.

“Oh, I’ve forgotten what you were like at this age,” Deceit whispers, so low that Anxiety thinks he wasn’t meant to hear it. Then Deceit shakes his head, a weird laugh escaping him. “You’re going to hate me, Anx. Or rather, you’re going to hate me more after this is all over.”

“You’re lying,” Anxiety accuses, his fingers tightening around the fabric of Deceit’s cloak, “You don’t mean that. I love you, Dee, you’re my best friend and--and...Big Me is still best friends with you, right?!”

Deceit inhales sharply, as if there’s something stuck in his throat. Before Anxiety can even grow concerned for his well being, he breaths out a long dramatic sigh.

He rolls his eyes, smirking, “Alright, you caught me.”

“I did?”

“Yes. I was only lying to scare you out of crying,” Deceit assures him, “I didn’t mean to scare you into thinking we weren’t best friends still. Of course we are.”

“G-good,” Anxiety huffs, “don’t scare me like that, Dee, I don’t like it!”

“I won’t do it again, I promise,” Deceit says, his smirk fading a bit as he takes on a somber expression, “it still isn’t your fault for what happened, Virg--Anxiety. Neither I or any of the others think it is. They certainly despise you for it.”

“Despise?” Anxiety’s heart jumps a bit, “Oh! You mean...you’re saying...they don’t despise me?”

“I don’t know,” Deceit raises an eyebrow, “Why don’t you try reaching out? See what their fears tell you.”

Anxiety closes his eyes, sticking his tongue out in concentration. If he thinks super hard, he can envision everyone's fears like spider webs, branching all over the mindscape, interconnected in some ways and in others, completely disconnected in each side's little corner.

And he is the itsy bitsy spider, that scuttles about and maintains the webs to some degree. Because a little bit of fear is good, it helps keep Thomas alive. So he traces the webs and searching for what Dee suggested. There is one thread present, in every nook and cranny of the web, he searches, even in the splinter-offs. One fear that repeats and loops through the whole network that he has never seen before.

"Oh." Anxiety breathes, eyes widening. They're not afraid of him. They're afraid for him, worried about his safety and wellbeing. Anxiety doesn't know what to think of that.

[heartbreakgrill]

That Smile; Luke Hemmings

description: in which you’re a songwriter, working on Youngblood with 5sos, when a certain blonde catches your eyes.

a/n: there will be a part 2 for this!

“AHHHH!” You threw your green mechanical pencil across the room. It bounced off of the wall, snapping in half, and landing in separate places. One ended up by the door by your shoes, the other on the couch, beside your purse, jacket, and water bottle.

A voice crackled through the speaker system, obvious laughter being bitten back. “Y/N, are you okay?”

You squeezed your eyes shut, hands in fists on either of your temples. You were on the floor, on your back, skinny jean clad legs sprawled out in front of you. Your t-shirt was ridden up on your stomach, revealing a thin strip of your skin to the room, which you were now realizing was freezing. Through welling goosebumps, you grumbled, “I’m never okay, Brad. You know this.”

“I had to check. We have legal obligations in the workplace,” he responded, this time chuckling throughout his spiel.

“Damn, OSHA,” you mumbled into your bottom lip.

Brad hesitated before his voice echoed back in, “They’re here, by the way. Making their way back now.”

“I’m not getting up yet. I’m still moping over my inability to properly write a single-“ your voice rose into a yell now, “fucking line about a stupid fucking boy!”

It was now that you realized the door to the studio was open with the head of receptionist Cindy in the room. “Is this a bad time?”

“I get paid to do this, I have no say,” you dropped your hands to your sides. “Let ‘em in.”

The four lanky boys shuffled in, two dressed like it was New York Fashion Week, the other two lazed about in sweatpants and hoodies. They stood awkwardly against the wall, unsure of how to go about greeting someone having a mental breakdown on the ground below them.

“Hello, I’m sorry, I’m trying to recover,” you began to sit up, back cracking in the process. You straightened your shirt out, catching eyes with the tall blonde. You swear, in the most cringey way, your breath caught in your lungs.

“You’re okay, we go through similar processes,” a curly headed, dirty blond remarked, giggling lightly.

“Yeah, I have plenty of photos of Calum laying on the floor like you were,” long fringe, bright eyes. Michael, perhaps?

You had familiarized yourself with photos of them on the internet, but were not at all confident you knew who they were. In fact, you couldn’t recall anyone’s name when the tall blonde who stole your breath offered his hand. You took it, your hand completely encased in his warm one. Without much efforts, he pulled you off the ground, nearly flush against his chest. But, you made sure to step back when you stood.

“Thanks,” you sighed, shuffling to the couch in your sock-clad feet. “Uh, I’m Y/N,” you introduced while clearing the seating area for them, “I’m sorry, I dont really know your names. Could you-?”

“Luke,” he stuck out the same hand for you to shake; you did.

Michael was who you suspected, Calum the jet black haired man Michael had mentioned, and Ashton the giggly one. You situated yourselves on the couches once you demanded they make themselves at home.

“So, this is your third album?” Of course you knew their music. If you were pairing with an artist on a new project, you had to familiarize yourself with their sound. You couldn’t write a Taylor Swift-like song for Lil Uzi Vert.

“Yeah,” Ashton answered, seemingly the spokesperson for the band. He was sat on the couch across from you, with Calum, Michael in the computer chair by the recording equipment. Luke was beside and, damn, did he smell good.

“What’s the motive?” They looked confused at the question, sharing a furrowed look. With a quick tuck of your legs underneath you on the couch, you launched into explanation, eyes moving from boy to boy. “So, you’re first album was very teen punk, kinda edgy, but safe with cute love songs and innocent forever young vibes. Sounds Good, Feels Good was super grunge with ballads about your actual feelings, a few love songs, and a handful of those same forever young vibes. It was, like, healing for you, almost. Like an album meant to truly introduce your fans to who you are. What do you want to say with this one?”

Luke cleared his throat beside you, “I dont know that we really have a vision with this one. We never really do.”

“Gosh,” you laughed, “no wonder they hired you guys a new songwriter. You have to have a plan! Otherwise it takes way too long and you have no idea what you’re doing. You’ve managed to do awesome without me, but this album, I promise, is going to be amazing.”

They, collectively, grinned at you. “I dont know about you, boys, but Ive got fucking chills!” Ashton exclaimed, shoving Calums shoulder, glancing at Michael.

You grinned back, proud with yourself and your words. You looked over at Luke who had a twinkle in his eyes, a smaller smile that seemed reserved for admiration to you.

-

You’d see that smile many times again throughout the process of writing their new album, later titled Youngblood after the first song you wrote together.

Ashton thought you were a bloody genius, as he would say, again and again.

“Its just a simple lyrical progression, Ash,” you coined his nickname a week into the process, “not that big of a deal.”

He still grinned, continuing to flip at your ‘talent’ with the randomest things.

When Youngblood, the song, was completely recorded and produced, you had a listening party in the small recording studio. You’d baked cupcakes and cookies for everyone, Calum had popped some champagne, and Michael brought his girlfriend along for the celebration.

You got along with Crystal well, chattering about makeup, music, and many other things before Brad came into the room with a frog shaped file USB. You stood from the couch beside Crystal and moved to stand beside Luke, who just so happened to be standing in the spot you wanted to. He smiled down at you, bouncing on his heels in excitement.

As Brad set up the file, Luke said, “The cupcakes are really good. As are the cookies, and the song. Everything, really.”

He was nervous around you. He was never nervous around girls. But something about your overwhelming talent, immense beauty, and super sweet personality made him jittery. He held tightly to his paper cup, nearly breaking in from his squeezing knuckles.

“Thank you, Luke,” you set a hand on his shoulder, prepared to say something else when the song began.

You’d heard it prior to this to ensure that it wouldn’t be utter crap. It was amusing and prideful for you to watch everyone’s jaws drops, to see Calum drop onto the couch with his head in his hands. Ashton danced around, Crystal leaned against Michael, praising his guitar and vocal bits. As the beat picked up and, soon, as it ended, Luke turned to you, lifted you in his arms, and spun you around. You were laughing, head thrown back, hands clutching at his hoodie-clad shoulders. When he set you down, you were still laughing, as was he. His laugh faded into that smile, that stupid smile.

-

The next time you saw it was halfway through the album. You had been losing sleep, between handling 5sos as a client and, now, Taylor Swift, who noticed your work through a friend. She wanted a new song, something uplifting and sweet. You agreed to help, not realizing that, now, you were overloaded. And, you weren’t able to devote your time to just 5sos.

One day, at the end of a long studio day, Luke noticed you on the floor of the recoding studio. Youd set yourself there when the boys starting gathering up their things, bidding your farewells with weary hands. Your eyes were no shut, hands resting on your stomach. Luke watched the boys leave and, having driven himself there, sat down beside you. He nudged your leg, gaining your attention through weary eyes.

“Hi,” he smiled, not quite in that way, but still sweetly. “Are you okay?”

“Stressed. Tired. Sick of writing. I haven’t been out with friends in so long and i want to, but all of my friends have normal lives with normal jobs. So they wont go with me during the week, and I cant on the weekends, because Ive been busy with Taylor Swift. God, never thought I’d say that sentence. Anyways, I just really want to get drunk and dance and then cry to someone about being sad, single, and so, so tired.”

“Well,” Luke resisted the urge to pick you up, place you in his lap, cradle you and coo you to sleep, “I’m sure I can urge Ash to have a party in his house. There’s plenty of people who dont care about their jobs or dont even have ‘em.”

You lifted yourself up on to your knees, “I would literally write you, like, an entire song if you got him to do that. I need a night away.”

“No need, I’m fine with one dance reserved for me,” there was the smile. “Oh, and a shot. We have to do a shot together.”

“I would do a million shots with you.”

He walked you to the parking lot, to your car, leaning against the door frame while you turned it on and buckled your seat belt. “Okay, so, Ill send you his address, and see you in a few hours?”

“See you.”

Now, what the hell were you going to wear?

[storysofmyown]

Seven stages of love Chapter 5: Storge

Summary: Ever since the Celestial War, since they all fell, Asmodeus has  dedicated himself to his sin. Not caring about anything else, but  drowning himself in the pleasure and ecstasy of it all. But not anymore,  now he cant even handle the idea of it. But, what else is there to want? After so long of having indulged in his sin, what is there than  Asmodeus is looking for, something that will fill him, and that wont  drive him to destruction? Perhaps his brothers can help him with that. Warnings will appear in each chapter.   

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Word Count: 2,647

Trigger Warning: Mentions of lust, anger, crying, detachment.

Asmodeus woke up alone. His eyes meeting nothing but the darkness of the Devildom mornings as he sat up on his bed. Wait, his bed? No, it wasn’t his bed, it wasn’t as soft, and the floral scent that was constant in his room wasn’t there. It also didn't feel like Mammon's bed, no quite. In his confusion, the demon barely registered when his eyesight adjusted to the dark, realization hitting him as he finally noticed who’s room he was in.

“Mhm, you are awake.” A deep voice caused the demon to look a little too fast at the door, only to see his eldest brother standing there with two cups of tea. “I suspected you would be doing so soon, so I took the liberty of getting you some as well.” He moves his hands as if emphasizing he meant the tea, before walking over to his desk and setting both cups down, only to turn to his younger brother, a unreadable expression in his face, like always, as he sat down on a chair and starred at Asmodeus, whose mind was still wondering how he had woken up in his brothers room.

It wasn’t like he went to sleep in his room either. If the way his back ached was anything to go by. That was something about each of them that showed how they were unique. Or at least, some of those things, they were trivial, but the more Asmodeus payed attention to them, the more he realized how different each of them were. if they were a family like they had always thought, although broken in its own achord, why were they so different? Perhaps, at the end of the day, the only reason why they called each other brothers was because they fell together. Had Diavolo decided to pay no mind to that, and gave each of them a house of their own, would they still see one another as brothers? No, what was he thinking? They were family, right? I mean they had been they for each other so far...they had to be.

Asmodeus aimlessly took the cup of tea, barely even glancing up at the demon as he sighed, placing it down on the table that was besides his brothers bed. A tiredness in his eyes and withing himself that the demon couldn’t believe or even comprehend. Then, a memory of words, promises and ideals come to his mind, as he frowned. That’s right, he still didn’t know how in the world had he found himself in his eldest brothers room.

“…I thought I had fallen asleep in Mammon’s room.”

He whispers, half absentminded. There was no real reason why he was asking. To be fair, now days, there was no real reason why he did or said anything anymore. There was just this big hole inside of him, and for a moment the other night, he truly believed that if he went back, to those nights when once had enjoyed, if he went back that he once more that it would all go away… Or perhaps not. He knew that it would only hurt him more, even Mammon had seen through his rouse. Now, now he was able to see clearly through the fog that had cemented itself in his mind. He had not been looking for a way to fix everything that he thought was wrong with the way he was feeling. No, in fact, if anything, he had been looking for the final thing that would simply allow him to cease all feelings. The real reason was that he was so tired from all of the things he had learned and did not understand, and that feeling in his chest, that he was hoping to destroy it all, even if it meant destroying himself in the process.

“Mammon informed me about your state. And I wanted to be present when you awoke.” With those simple words, the older demon noticed a shift in his brothers expression. No longer did he look detached from it all and tired, now he looked alert, shocked…betrayed. But, why would he feel any of those things? It was more than expected none of his brothers knew how to keep things to themselves, even Belphegor had exposed him, perhaps not by saying to the others what he had seen, but by letting the others know about the state of of him.

The elder demon noticed the lost expression in his brothers eyes, starring at him for a couple of seconds before he sighed, placing down his own cup as he approached him, only to be meet with a glare. Asmodeus felt like his entire being did not matter. Every time he allowed himself to feel any type of way, he was immediately found out by another member of his family. First Belphegor, then Mammon, and now Lucifer. Why couldn’t they just allow him to deal with this on his own?! Did they need to show him just how ridiculous the situation was one by one standing in front of him with some put together nice words that showed just how much they knew of the one thing Asmodeus seemed to be so confused by?!

Why did they even went through the trouble of giving him the time of the day?! Why would they share their information, their knowledge, who they were, to the pathetic demon that came to each of their door to cry and complain about things that he had no grasp about?! Was it pity? That must be it. Pity for the demon that they were forced to see as family. Pity at seeing him so withered away from his original form, or perhaps it was their own sick and twisted way to tempt him with the answer. Perhaps it was a trick from all six of them, each telling Asmodeus something different to make him feel somehow worse than he already did. He wouldn’t put it past them, they were demons after all.

Family, yeah, that may be what they introduced themselves as, brothers who fell together and now represented the sins. Sins that were no longer represented by them, but them having become the living embodiment those. Leviathan must have felt some kind of satisfaction, the Avatar of Envy, having finally nothing to be envious about as he smirked and allowed himself to rejoice in knowing more than his brother. Satan, heh, how fun must it have been for him, watched the wrath and confusion in him as he explained simply and calmly all that he knew. Mammon, oh dear Mammon, that idiot must have countless of pictures and videos, maybe even voice recordings of what he had said and acted like the night before. He must have already sold it, made some pretty penny and now was spending the money after having humiliated him. And of course…Lucifer, Lucifer, avatar of Pride. He must be feeling so powerful and strong at seeing his weak pathetic little brother like this. Must be feeling a rush of pride at knowing he was better in every way, and his little brother was nothing but a pathetic mess. He hated it all, had it always been like this, have they always pretended to be family? Well, its not like it mattered in the end.

“Asmodeus? What is-?”

“DON’T YOU DARE!”

Asmodeus scream was that of a child, a child who had just been revealed some kind of truth he did not want to hear. It was so shocking and so raw, so hurt, that Lucifer could do nothing but stare at Asmodeus for as long as he could allow himself to. Just when he was about to speak, the panting from his brother ceased as tears were reflected in his eyes, the glare still in place. As many emotions that were swirling in the demons’ eyes, there was one that Lucifer could pinpoint precisely. An emotion that he himself that felt so many years ago, an emotion that all of them had felt at some point, the same emotion that had literally given one of them live so many years ago.

Hate. It was a hate so powerful and palpable that Lucifer couldn’t help but remember the time when he felt such an emotion. But this was slightly different. Within the hate, there was something more. There was a sadness that could take over thee hate in a flash of light. Asmodeus felt so completely alone, and those emotions he was feelings…they weren’t directed at Lucifer, not really. Not him or at any of the brothers, no. They were directed at Asmodeus himself as he refused to look at Lucifer again. Finally speaking.

“…don’t you dare ask what is wrong, trying to get me to talk about it just so you can feel some sadistic pleasure at knowing that I am like this! You must be rejoicing already but I wont let you or anyone else keep seeing me like this! I-I know that I am we-weak and all t-that! B-But it doesn’t mean I need you! I-I don’t need your help s-so j-just shut up!”

The demon was so overwhelmed he couldn’t even stop the words from escaping his lips. He was lying, or maybe not. And he was possibly wrong about that statement, but it didn’t matter. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this, and yet from the very start of the situation, each time he was in his lowest point one of his brothers had to intervene and watch him as he fell slightly, as he became more desperate as he learned of the thing he still had no idea what it had struck him so hard when Belphegor claimed it.

At this point…he felt nothing but despair. It had been weeks, maybe longer, since that word had made its way into Asmodeus life, and he had yet to understand it in anyway. And now…now here he was. Screaming at his brother, thinking to himself that he didn’t need anyone, or more, rather, trying to convince himself that he didn’t need anyone.

In the fickle moments were clarity made its way to the shipwreck inside Asmodeus mind, there was a slight chance where the real part of Asmodeus could see through all the deceive and the lies he had been feeding himself. The deception that had cemented itself as solid stone, an overwhelming presence of la fort as it presented itself like an impotent being that was there to defend Asmodeus, it kept growing and becoming far greater than it was even possible. Although there were cracks, cracks where the demon could find himself looking for a way out, where the real world placed itself and presented itself to him, but it never lasted long.

The wall became far greater and bigger with each lie Asmodeus fed himself, and the curses flying his mind as he tried to rip the memories and the information his brothers had given him in the past. Part of him wanted to hold on to that information, to learn and to understand, to simply separate himself from the lustful demon he was and forget all about the past. But there was another part of him that each time he tried to climb, dig or shine from the fort, it grabbed him and pulled him deeper into a maze formed with the same stone he had managed to strip away. In the end, it was only him with his conflicted feelings, a void inside, and meaningless words with the suffocating sensation that brought the never-ending walls. Because this was Asmodeus, and there was nothing more to him.

There right in the room, for a moment, maybe more, perhaps less, existed a silence that prevailed. A silence that covered and bathed every each of the two demons that stood there. The soft ticking that came with a bomb having ceased as it had already unleashed all that had hidden inside. All that had been unsaid for so many years and had been slowly corroded by the weight of time. In a moment Lucifer assumed he had been talking to his brother, the same brother that laughed at night and made jokes and complimented each one of them. In the other, with the silence, with the crumbs left in the air, Lucifer realized that all this time, he and everyone else had been talking to a nonexistent figure. A blank, a pose, an actor, a ghost. Someone that someone had taken over the face of their brother, his voice, his mannerism, and had shaped him into something he hated.

For the first time, it seemed like he was talking to the real Asmodeus.

No, that wasn’t the case either. This was what was left after so many years of the façade, but…but it felt real. Although the image in front of him was fragmented and with missing pieces, a voice so broken that even screams only passed as the softest of whispers, with the gust of wind carrying them away, it was real. What Asmodeus was expressing, they were real concerns that his brother had. And Lucifer felt, that for the first time, he truly knew his brother.

Neither of them could tell how much time it had passed since Asmodeus last spoke. The air was filled with the silent, and Asmodeus head was filled with the ever-aching sensation of not belonging, of not knowing. Trapped in the maze withing the fort he couldn’t even tell when Lucifer sat down next to him, with a soft expression. Or when had his brother taken Asmodeus hand into his own, or even when he had initiated a hug where the younger demon actually felt the warmth he had missed ever since Belphegor hugged him that one night, and when the rest of his brothers showed him any type of affection. After an untellable amount of time, Lucifer finally spoke. And Asmodeus felt like finally, after so much fighting with himself to held it up, a part of the wall was brought down.

“…I know you are confused. Scared, and that you feel alone, you are discovering things about yourself that go against everything you thought you were, and that you no longer see yourself as the person that you used to be. And…that is okay Asmodeus, you don’t have to be a certain way all of your life. You don’t have to force yourself to be someone. You are you, in every shape, in every way, in all forms. The past was you, but that shouldn’t stop you from welcoming and embracing this new you. And at the end of the day, even if you still haven’t figured it out, or if you did and you don’t like it, or any other possible scenario, we will be here.” Lucifer paused, and so did Asmodeus breathing for less than a mere second as he prepared himself for Lucifer's next words, he knew what they would be, alas, the impact was the same. “Because we are family…”

Family…a broken family. If anything. So why did Lucifer, one of the most powerful demons there were in the Devildom had to go out of his way to comfort him? He must be such a shame for his family. And yet…yet all of them had showed that although he was in this state, they were there for him, to answer his questions and tell him the hard cold truth, and beyond that to take Asmodeus hand, look him in the eye, and say they were going to be there for him no matter what. They were flawed family, and Asmodeus hated how much they were in each others business. But even if his doubt killed him, even if they got into fights, and even if one if they were deeply wrong, they would stand together.

“Because we are family, and we **** you.”

*****

Well hi! I really hope you all enjoyed this new chapter! There are only 2 chapters left in this fic so i hope y'all are looking forward to them lol, anyway, next chapter on Saturday, hopefully. Until then!

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[concentrateandpush]

Who's the Daddy?

-WARNING- 

This story mentions abortion.

So, it all started about 8 weeks ago.. I went out with the girls, it was such a good night and I saw a guy I used to date, Tyler. We were together when we were younger and I fell pregnant, he didn't want the baby, I did but he won and I got rid of it. After that, he couldn’t look at me because of the guilt he felt for forcing me to abort my own baby.

He looks older, he feels like a man now and not like the boy I used to know. "Hey, Cassie May" he says softly, touching my right arm. "Tyler Jay.. how are you? It's been.. a long time" I smiled at him. The girls in my peripheral vision are shaking their heads and I can see Emmy mouthing "Don’t even think about it". One drink, two drinks, three drinks and I'm back at his.

His room looks way more grown up, he has a double bed now.. where's the movie posters gone Tyler? Back to the future was his favourite. I know what he wants, if I'm honest, I cant even remember if we had good sex and I've had sex with way too many men to remember our sex. But I remember the phrases he would use, the words he would initiate with and that he liked my birthmark on my right upper thigh.

"You okay with this?" He asks as he removes my dress, I nod, he pulls my tights off and starts kissing my thighs. His body feels new, like a guy I've never slept with, I'm not familiar at all and I'm not sure if he is. He climbs up and starts to kiss me, he used to taste like orange tic tacs but he doesn’t now. As I feel his tongue on mine, I feel him inside me, he's big and he knows what he's doing. He thrusts deeper and harder the more we go along and circles my areolas with his thumbs.

It lasts a long time, I climax no less that 3 times and then he makes that face, this is the moment I remember him, that deviant look in his eye as he injects me with his sperm again causing my body to shake with anxiety remembering that the last time he did this, the time he implanted his young and made me kill it. "Get off" I scream at him, he looks scared, like he just did something he shouldn't have. "You said it was okay?" He bites quickly and reaches for my arm. "Don’t touch me" I shout as I run to the corner of the room, what am I doing? I knew what was going to happen, I knew he would want sex.

I call Emmy and it's like shes been expecting the call "Em, please come and get me, I'm at Tyler’s" I say as I dress myself before running down the stairs. "Cassie" he shouts after me "Cassie, we didn’t have to do that, it was okay if you just wanted to hang out" he says softly. "Tyler, it's not you, I wanted you to do that, I just.. I didn't expect to freak out, it's the.. the last time you had sex.." I try to explain but I cant bring myself to say it.

"I know" he says softly "I know I was hard on you, and I mean.. it turned out okay didn’t it? I mean we would have a 10 year old, were only 24 Cassie" he adds. I feel my body wanting to throw up, is he trying to justify what I did? Is he trying to say what he did was right. I just look at him, staring.. wondering what our child would have looked like.. and then there she is, Emmy hoots her horn, she's outside.

She lectured me the entire way home, "You know what he made you do, against your will".. "He took a choice from you that was yours".. amongst a million "I told you so's". Neither of us quite knew where this was all going to go, until now, 8 weeks later.

I don’t know why I'm doing this test, I know I'm pregnant. I feel nauseous, bloated, my boobs hurt and my period? What period? Why, out of every guy I've slept with, is it him who gets me pregnant.. twice. There it is, two little lines, two pink lines.. what the fuck am I meant to do now. "Cassie? Cassie?! What are you doing? You've been in there ages.. CASSIE?" My brother shouts.

"Um two minutes" I shout.. my brother, Joe, and I are close, he hates Tyler. He's going to kill me. I put the test in my back pocket, open the door and run over to my room. "She's feisty today" he laughs and then realises I'm crying. I'm lying in my bed, facing the wall and I hear him come in softly. "What is it Cas?" He strokes my hair and says "It doesn't matter what it is, you can tell me".

"I did it again" I say, softly. "Did what? Cas, what are you on about?" He asks. He is so patient, we've always been so close, he has always been my biggest fan. "I went out with the girls.. a while ago now and I bumped into Tyler" he nods at me, innocently having no idea what I'm going to say next. "I slept with him" I say, quickly. "He's such a dick Cas, I dont know why you.. why are you telling me this now?" I watch the cogs turn in his mind and his face turns green "You're not.. are you?" he says softly and I nod in response.

"You're so fucking stupid Cas, you know how horrible he was last time, you know you're worth way more than he offers you.. Cassie, you-", I cut him off, "I know all this, Joe.. I know" I say laying on my bed holding my stomach. "You're keeping it" he snaps "There is no way you're getting rid of it, I saw how much it damaged you before, you were a shell of a girl for years." I nod "Yeah I-" he stops me and says "No excuses Cas.. wait, what?". "I'm keeping this baby Joe, I'm not telling him, I know he wont want it, it's my choice, he doesn’t need to know" I say as I rub my stomach. "Oh, Cas" he says tearfully as he holds me letting me nuzzle in to his neck.

Now my brother knows.. there's only one other person I need to tell.. Emmy, my stomach is in knots, I call her and tell her to come over. She walks in with a McDonalds "You on? You sound all hormonal and stuff" she says as she throws the bag at me, how does she even know? "Emmy" I say seriously knowing it’ll make her listen. I reach into my hoodie pocket and hand her the test, she takes it off me and it takes a moment to process.. "No.. you're, you're pregnant?" she cries. "I'm pregnant" I cry with her.

"When did you find out?" She asks, "literally 15 minutes before I called you" I laugh. "Who's the dad Cassie?" She asks, then the penny drops "Not Tyler, anyone but Tyler..". I sit there and just shake my head crying, I don’t want it to be Tyler's, why couldn't it be anyone, literally anyone else’s. "I'm not telling him" I say firmly, "Too fucking right you aren’t telling him" she says in response.

The days have gone super fast and it's my 12 week scan today, I'm so excited, Emmy is coming too. I reach the hospital and wait in the waiting room for what feels like an eternity. "Cassie Rovers?" I hear my name on the tanoy. Oh God, that's me, Emmy gets up and walks over but I feel overwhelmed, everything has built up to this, I'm so ready but my body isn’t moving. Next thing you know I have a nurse kneeling at my lap and Emmy holding my hand "Count all the red things you can see", "Breathe with me", "In and out Cassie".. panic attacks, the bane of my life.

"I'm glad you're feeling better, it's an overwhelming experience, seeing your baby for the first time" the nurse says. I watch her spread the cold gel on my tiny bump and look around in there. "Here’s your baby" she smiles as she turns the screen to me "Do you want to know the sex?" She asks, I look at Emmy and she nods. "Yes please" I say eagerly. "Its a little girl" the nurse tells me smiling as I cry with my eyes shut and I feel Emmy hold my tight, crying herself.

I'm 32 weeks gone, baby is amazing, she kicks me every second of the day, which is getting painful the more she grows. Emmy moved in with us, her and Dave broke up and she stayed at mine most of the time, she has offered to help with baby until she finds somewhere. I'm currently lying in bed, I have to pick up the pram and crib today, I cant wait to get the nursery together now. I'm lucky my parents have such a huge house, I am blessed to not worry about money through this.

I feel like an invalid not being able to carry things, luckily Joe is home today so he can perform uncle duties and go to fetch the pram and crib for me. I need to grab some groceries when were out.. well, nutella.

People are so different, as I walk through this supermarket, people treat me so weirdly because of the bump. Fuck, its him, I haven't spoken to Tyler since I ran out of his apartment that night. Fuck. Fuck. "Hey Cassie May" he taps me from behind, I turn around and see him look down at my huge bump, he's with a girl.. "Hey, Tyler" I smile awkwardly looking at the girl with him "This is Amber.. my girlfriend" he says reluctantly as he looks at my belly.

I smile and wait for him to form conversation.. I know what's going through his head. "Ah when are you due?" Amber asks, she seems nice. "8 weeks left" I say smiling at her. "Ah we’ve just found out, I'm due in November" Amber says smiling at me. I don’t know how to handle this, how can I be okay with the fact that I'm also carrying his baby. not only that but he's happy with her keeping her baby, but made me.. I suppose he might have changed. I start hyperventilating, trying to gather myself and steady myself with he cart, everything is jumping out at me, I cant get my breathing right "Cassie?!" I see Emmy run for me before I collapse.

I come around on the floor of the store. "Cassie? Cassie are you okay?" Tyler asks, why is he still here?. "Yeah, I'm okay, did I fall?" I ask rubbing my bump protectively. "No I caught you" he says. "You've done enough damage, go on, leave" Emmy says angrily. "What have I done?" Tyler asks, both of them leaning over me at this point. Tyler looks at my bump, at me and then at Emmy and back to my bump. I don’t know what to say because, poor Amber is stood here newly pregnant and happy, I could keep it to myself.

"Am I missing something?" Amber asks as Emmy helps me off the floor, with difficulty. "No.. we should go" Tyler says as he pulls her away looking back at me.

It's later that night,  3AM, Emmy is sleeping, Joe is sleeping and Mom and Dad are out, drinking. I hear my phone buzz, "Come to the meeting point".. I know its Tyler instantly, we used to meet behind the garage in my garden, I look out and see him stood there, he looks drunk. I walk down the stairs cradling my baby bump in my dressing gown and out the garden causing the stone patio to make a noise and the garden lights to come on.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him anxiously. "Is it mine?" He asks, showing no emotion what so ever, I look down, I don’t know if I even want to tell him. "It is, isn’t it?" He says aggressively "Now everything in my life is coming together, you have to fuck it up for me" he rants. I turn around and begin to walk up to the house again, trying my best not to cry in front of him. "Fucking tell me" he shouts pulling me around to him. "Yes, she's yours, I don’t want you involved, you caused enough trouble last time" I say angrily as I storm up the path.

I notice he's gone quiet, no noise at all and I look up and the door that's a few foot in front of me. "I'll fucking do it" he shouts, I turn around and he's holding a gun to his head. "Tyler, put the gun down" I say walking towards him slowly, "You don’t want to do that" I say holding my hand out. "No, maybe you're right, maybe this bullet needs to go through someone else" he turns the gun on me and I start to panic. My hands start to shake and my legs go to jelly, I hold my belly and crouch down as far as I can "Please, Tyler, I will never tell her about you, I'll never tell Amber about this" I beg. "Shut up" he shouts kicking my foot as he cries. "Cassie? CASSIE" I hear my dad shout and run down the garden throwing himself on Tyler and then a gun shot sounds.

I’m crouched on the floor, hyperventilating and trying my best to move but I’m stiff. I hear my Mom run down shouting my Dads name and in no time, Joe and Emmy run down the stairs. Joe quickly runs in and takes the gun from Tyler and flips Dad over who is covered in blood. "Dad?! DAD" I shout as I pull myself over to him "I'm okay, I'm okay" he says as he pulls himself from Tyler as he still sobs on the floor. "My arm, that's all" he says as he stands up and I'm left on the floor looking at Tyler.

"You never come near me or my daughter, ever again" I tell him sternly as he stands. "Our daughter" he says before spitting on me and I just sit there crying. "Fuck" I moan, "Can you help me up?" I say to Emmy as she pulls my round, sore body from the grass. "I need to wash" I say walking up to the house, the ambulance already outside for my dad. "Cas" Emmy shouts to me, trying to check that I’m alright.  "Not now, Em" I shout back walking in to the house. I get in the bathroom and lock myself in, crying out loud alone as I lean against the bath.

Two weeks has passed since that night. I'm okay, it's just so hard knowing this baby that I love so much, is his, yet he wanted to kill me. "Not long now" I say smiling as I rub my underbelly. I've been having Braxton hicks all night, they don’t seem to go when I'm moving.. but it's too early for labor. My stomach cramps up as I move positions, god, if Braxton hicks are this bad imagine labor. It's so intense, I breathe it out slowly with my eyes shut and I hear Emmy barge through the door.

"OMG what's happening?" She shouts as she sits on the bed next to me rubbing my bump "Lean on me, I'm right here I'm not going anywhere" she says softly as I nuzzle into her. Its stopped thank god. "It stopped" I sigh with relief. "What's happening" she demands. "Its okay, it's too early for labor, I'm only 34 weeks, and it's my first time, she's not coming yet" I say calmly as she looks at my seriously. "I think it's worth checking" she says before calling my midwife and asking her over.

She turns up around 10 minutes later, I made the choice to get the closest midwife to me. Once she’s in my room, I nervously pull my panties off and spread my legs. The check doesn’t hurt, but it’s certainly uncomfortable. "Baby is doing good and should be here today or tomorrow" the midwife smiles checking me over. "She cant be, I'm 6 weeks early" I say. "Sometimes we get things wrong, baby has measured large every scan so it's possible that you were further ahead than we said" she says and I look at Emmy panicked. "I'm going to head off, give me a call when things come together" she smiles and takes her bag out to the car driving off.

I lay on my bed for a few minutes before speaking, I look at Emmy and she hasn’t realised what this means. "Emmy, if I'm full term.. you understand what this means?" I ask as she smiles "yeah the baby's coming we get to meet her earlier". I shake my head "Emmy, its not Tyler’s" I say softly. Emmy goes nuts, shouting and screaming that I should have "worked it out sooner". "Who's is it?" She asks curiously. I cant concentrate on working this out with the pain I'm in, I lean my head back and breathe through the contraction taking deep breaths. I don’t know what’s more unsettling, the pain, the fact that I have no idea who the father is or that Emmy looks like she’s about to pass out seeing my wriggle in pain. 

Once the contraction stops, I look back at my calendar working out people and parties.. its Simon's. Simon is a guy I went to uni with, he is so beautiful and kind, truly a gentleman. "I cant call him Em, I cant call someone I haven't spoken to since a drunk night out" I remember the night. "Simon asked me out, I told him I don’t date.. I woke up in his and he had made me breakfast. I didn’t speak to him after that, but he really is lovely.. I guess I was scared about how I felt for him. Hes been through so much. I love him to bits" I say softly. "You never said that about Tyler" Emmy says "not even as a throwaway comment.. maybe you should call him".

I pick up my phone and scroll through my contacts, Simon.. call. He picks up after the first ring. "Hey Simon, can we talk? I.. I'm so sorry that I have to tell you like this but I-I'm having a baby, like right now.. and it’s yours but if you don’t-, yeah, of course, its 143 Dreadwood Lane. See you in a minute". He's coming over.. how is he so nice.. "He's coming" I say to Emmy as she smiles.

The contractions are a lot harder to cope with, I'm having to squat, it's the only relief I can get. I hear the door and then Emmy talking his ears off. Is this really the first way I'll see him in all this time? I'm currently on all fours, in a baggy jumper and shorts, panting, sweating and trying not to scream. "Hey" he says, stood in the door holding a bunch of flowers looking down at me. He puts them on the side and kneels next to me putting his hand on my back, "Here, this should help" he says as he rubs my lower back. It does help, so much.

"I did a bit of googling on my way over" he laughs "Emmy said the contractions are close" he smiles. I nod "7 minutes apart". At this point everyone is in and out of my bedroom, Mom, Dad, Emmy, Joe and now Simon. But, Simon stays with me until this contraction ends. "I'm so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, if I'm being honest, I thought it was someone else’s. I thought I was 32 weeks but according to my midwife, I'm 41 weeks, making me overdue" I tell him. "Its okay, I'm sorry for the other guy, it must have been awful for him when he found out it wasn’t his baby" he says sincerely. "You have no idea.." I laugh.

"I'll always be here, I'll be a good Dad" he says. I look at him and smile "I know.. I know you will" I say softly. I don’t know if it's the hormones or just him but he is so attractive, I look at his brown eyes and his perfectly shaped lips. He leans forward and tucks my hair behind my ear. I see him moving in closer again and kissing me passionately. "Oh my god" Emmy shouts as she walks in, seeing me on top of Simon kissing him, she runs out and shuts the door and myself and Simon laugh.

A few hours pass, Simon's in the kitchen and Emmy comes in to the bedroom, the contractions are 5 minutes apart, my waters are still intact. "You dirty slag" Emmy says laughing at me and I laugh. "Your dad just told him about Tyler" she says. I nod at her and rub my bump leaning my head back feeling another contraction coming. "You're okay, breathe it through" she says softly brushing my hair from my face. "Its all in my back" I moan out as I breathe, Simon walks past the door and sees that I'm in pain and comes in to rub my back "That's it Cassie, good job" he says softly as I labor on my back, spreading my legs to ease the pressure. The contractions ends soon and I know I just need a second with the baby, nobody else. 

"Can I have some time alone?" I ask Emmy and Simon, "if I need you I can call you back" I smile. I lay back and talk to baby as I rub my sore and swollen tummy. "Now, I need you to be super strong for me through this. I love you so much already and cant wait to meet you. I'm sorry I've not been the best through this pregnancy but I'm going to look after you forever and always" I say softly.

"So.. how come you're such a nice guy?" Emmy asks Simon. "What do you mean?" He replies, laughing a little. "Not many guys would hear that they're about to have a baby and actually turn up.. especially with flowers" she says bluntly. "Cassie hasn’t told you about us has she?" He says laughing as Emmy looks furious, clearly thinking I’ve withheld juicy information. "Nothing like that" he chuckles "My Mom.. she died when we were in uni, Cassie came back with me after a night out and my Mom had fallen, she had cancer and was pretty fragile. Cassie spent the night talking with her, stroking her hair, making her tea and doing crosswords. The next morning, I told my Mom that I'd marry Cassie even if it took the rest of my life, she said 'I'll do what I can from my side' and then she passed away". "That's beautiful and I’m sorry about your Mom, she would be so proud of you" Emmy says as she hugs Simon "Thank you for being here, she deserves someone like you, she's been through a lot".

I carry on talking to baby, just whispering and slowly rubbing small circles around my tummy. It gets pretty intense and I lean back against the headboard as I get over a contraction, as I move back I hear a pop and feel a gush between my legs. "Guys" I shout "GUYS" I shout even louder with a slight moan. Simon runs in first, Emmy to follow and then my Mom, Dad and Joe. "Okay, my waters have broke, I need someone to call my midwife, someone to take me to the hospital and I need my bag" I order, almost like my maternal instincts took over and I felt okay to dictate what happened. "I want Simon and Emmy with me when I go to the hospital" I say hoping I won’t offend my parents and Joe.

The journey to the hospital was fast and my contractions are on top of each other now. Before we get out of the car, I tell my birthing partners "Right, I'm doing this as naturally as possible okay? No epidurals, nothing foreign goes inside my body" Emmy nods and Simon salutes me "Yes boss" he smiles at me before picking me up with ease and carrying me into the hospital. The midwife meets us and takes us to the room, luckily, thanks to private healthcare, I get a birthing suite. "Okay sweetheart, here's your gown, get comfortable, I'm just going to get my stuff and I'll be back".

As she leaves I get a contraction and it cramps my entire body, Simon is still holding me at this point and I turn to him and shout "don’t you dare put me down" as I moan and scream through the pain. It's almost constant, now, the contractions, they’re one on top of the other. Eventually it dies down and Emmy undresses me and helps me into my gown when Simon turns on the pool. "You're going to end up with this guy, he's definitely interested" she smiles as I try to catch my breath and mutter "I think I need to push".

"Right, let's have a look" the midwife says as I get in the water "this is going to sting" she says as she pushes her fingers up to my cervix. "You're an 8 lovely, not long now" she says softly. "I need to push now" I say sternly. "Is there a lot of pressure?" She asks. I nod and feel another contraction coming. "No pushing okay, just hold on a little while longer" she says, I snap back "I cant do this, there’s way too much pressure, I need to get it out, its freaking me -" I rant and Emmy stops me. "Cassie, baby isn’t quite ready, yeah? Just hold on and when shes ready, you can push, you don’t want to hurt her do you" she says calmly, she knows I’d kill myself before hurting baby. I shake my head and close my legs, tightly, my face turning red as I hold my need to push in.

I labor for 45 minutes more before the midwife comes back. "Can you please check me? I must be ready by now?" I ask her softly knowing how rude I was earlier. She puts her fingers in and smiles "good things come to those who wait, baby is ready when you are" she smiles. "When you get another contraction, you can push okay, so tell me when you get one" she says softly.

"It.. It's coming" I say gently as I grab the back of my knees and open my legs as wide as I can. "Feel my fingers? I need you to push against them" she says "big breath and bare down" she says softly. I pull my legs harder and push down hard, I'm already struggling and it's the first push. "Good girl, and again". I push and hold it a little longer, letting go and spluttering as I pant, moaning away the breath I had held. 

I’m clearly focusing hard, but I start to get irritated by the water "Get me out" I say sternly "I don’t want to push in the water" I say before Emmy supports me out of the pool and over to the bed. It's much more comfortable and I feel more in control. "I need rope, to pull" I say to the midwife as she pulls a rope out and attaches it to the bars of the bed. I put my feet against the foot bar and pull on the rope as I push as hard as I can "hnnnng! Ungggghh" I moan as I see Simon smile at me "You're doing it Cassie".

I pull at the rope again pushing as much as I can, the midwife coaching me "harder, love, you need to push harder". "You've got this Cas" Emmy says softly as she watches baby forming inside the bulge between my legs. "Fuck it hurts so bad" I shout as I hold my opening tight and realise how much progress I've made. "Come on little girl, come out for Mommy" I moan. straining as I feel myself and how close she is. "That's it, talk to your baby" the midwife says.

I turn and notice Simon crying quietly and I put my hand out to him and he holds it gently "it's a little girl?" He says softly and I nod smiling, wiping the sweat off my forehead. "Push here, where my fingers are" the midwife shouts and I bare down pushing as hard as I can. "You're crowning Cas" Emmy shouts happily. "One big push now and her head will be out" the midwife says. "Come on, you can do it Cass, push" Simon says, excited to get her out.

"Okay, let's get you squatting over here, it should open you up nicely and let your body do some of the work for you" the midwife says as I waddle to the squatting stool, wary of her head that's nearly out between my legs. I sit on the stool and push as I squat "OOWWW". "That's her head" the midwife smiles "reach down and feel your baby" she says guiding my hand down. I laugh and take Simon's hand to her head, I notice his eyes fill with tears and I smile a little “What colour’s her hair?” I ask him and he smiles “Blonde, just like yours”.

"Not long now dear" the nurse says as she massages my upper abdomen "just a couple more pushes" she adds. I give a big push and moan out "Gahhh" as I feel the shoulders push down on me. "I need to get on my back" I say as I slide off the stool, onto my knees and then lay back on the floor opening my legs up "Si, hold this leg, Em, this one". The midwife follows my lead and comes between my legs. "That's it, listen to your body and push for me" she says as I bare down hard. "Long and strong dear" she says as I push and push and push.

"Shoulders are here, keep going, harder, that's it, come on, there we go" she pulls baby from me and places her on my chest as she cries the sweetest little cry. I pant out of breath and feel my new born’s heart beat right next to mine. "Hello little one, I've waited so long for you" I smile as I hold her little hand. I stroke her back gently as the midwife tends to the afterbirth and before long she helps me over to the bed to lay down with baby. 

"That was the most badass thing I've ever seen" Emmy says crying. I turn to Simon, who's in tears at this point and he sits next to me on the bed. "Want to hold your daughter?" I smile as he takes her with out a second thought to his chest. "She's got your eyes" I say to him smiling as I stroke her head. "She had your nose" he laughs. "What are you going to name her?" Emmy asks. I feel there is only one name right for her, Simon's Moms name. "Angela" I say softly "we're calling her Angela" I smile at Simon as he pulls me tight to him kissing my forehead. "She would love her so much" he says sweetly.

[voidselfshipp]

[Violet Fan]

Arno x Jerico

I used Google translate so if anything Wonky y'know why

Often times parties were a sign of richness and greed.

An special event to celebrate something perhaps too.

Arno,always attracted to these kind of events found his way in.

The colossal Palace was brightly lit with chandeliers hanging from the ostentatious ceilings ornamented with gold and contrasting the white walls.

"Why this big of a party?", he asked himself.

The french Man bumps into someone,they drop their purple fan.

--Oh my most sincere apologies madame

He picked the item up and handed it to the person.

Their eyes meet, its a beautiful woman, porcelain skin and sharp features,big green eyes.

Her eyes were most peculiar, arno felt his breath hitch, he swore they were shining under her cute Hat decorated with sunflowers,Like emeralds under a candle.

Her hair in a bun covered by said hat with a few loose strands of hair.

Her attire was most peculiar, It looked familiar yet New to him.

18th century gown with earthy colours, another dress or something with some kind of turtle neck stamped with sunflowers.

--Oh dont worry--she said in a subtle accent he never heard before-- im too clumsy too

Then a Man,taller than arno looked at this mysterious girl, and spoke to her in a foreign tongue.

--hir kazwiv--(yes father) she answered back--Im sorry but I have to go

And so like that the Man and that enigmatic Lady dissapeared Into the crowd.

Who was she? What language was that?.

--You really outdid yourself this time Ray!

Jer pulled down on the Mans sleeve.

--Dont give me that look we still have to wait 100 Years more to reveal ourselves.

The Man sighed,he loved her daughter dearly but he had to admit that sometimes she was too much to handle.

--That doesnt mean you shouldnt let me have fun!besides he only gave my fan back!.

--ah mr Karuma Von terra and ms. Jerico Von terra,glad you could make it, is france too much to handle?

Ray wants to roll his eyes so bad,but he shakes his head and forces a smile-- not at all

--we Will discuss our arragement with you mr.von terra , let your daughter enjoy her stay at the Palace and have fun , oh and heres the keys to your bedroom ms.Von terra

Jer quickly takes the keys and puts it in her dresses inner pockets,terrans fashion was way out of this centuries reach.

Ray cant say anything before his daughter runs away from his grasp.

Both men walk alongside the other.

--Sadly mr Morgan couldnt make it,being a doctor took a toll on him,however he did say he Will come by to say hello.

Ray nodds

--Children huh?

The terran Man smiles --Yeah, rowdy bunch,however jerico seems to be having fun, shes a Smart kid,sadly until our reveal to the world isnt done I am afraid I cant let her get into trouble,we cant delay this any longer

His companion nodds and guides him to an Office.

Meanwhile,her daughter was talking with some of her father acquaintances.

She politely excused her leave and decided to find some more food to munch on.

The crowd seemed thick and busy.

Arno was looking everywhere for that girl, so much he started to sweat and he rested against a wall.

A soft breeze reached his face and when he Turned to see what was causing it, he felt dumb.

--too warm?--It was that woman she was looking for.

--Im afraid so...., Arno Victor Dorian

--Jerico Von Terra

He softly grabs her spare hand and kisses the back of it.

Her cheeks flush and she lets him hold her hand for a bit longer.

They Keep eye contact for a bit too, and suddenly, realizing that it was in fact too busy for their liking.

The french Man noticed that something was wrong,jeri seemed twitchy and unconfortable.

--Everything okay mademoissele?

She can only shake her head and thats when he realizes shes overwhelmed by the huge crowd.

He nodds and puts a hand on her Lower back trying to find an exit.

There, a stair that leads up to the guest bedrooms.

He pushed her closer to him as they passed the gatherings of people,helping her up the stairs.

Once on the upper floor she makes a signal to arno, he follows up to her bedroom.

Its spacy with decorations on the walls and ceilings,flowers And a big bed, he thought that maybe three people could fit in there.

Jerico sat on the bed, the Man sat with her and grabbed the fan from her shaky hands, using it to cool her down.

She hasnt spoke and whatever was left for him to do was to hesitantly put a hand on her shoulder and then down to her bicep to push her against his chest while still fanning her.

--Thank you

She whispers pressing her head to his chest.

The frenchmans cheeks flush red and tightens his grip around her.

He hasnt felt this way since....since elise,rest in peace.

His heart healed from old wounds a long time ago, and suddenly he felt it Flourish again at the sight of her.

--Anything I can get you?

He asked.

--Maybe water,and could you tell a servant to inform mr von terra that im here?

--Hes your father I suppose?-- she nodds- very Well miss ill be right back....

Arno leaves giving her back the fan, asking for a glass of water and telling a maid to deliver the message to jericos father.

Now the night went on , so did the party.

Altough Ray did not approve of arno being alone with jerico in her room,he trusted his daughters judgement for once.

Jer was looking out the balcony, arno comes from behind and squeezes her shoulder--How are you feeling now belle? (Beautiful?)

--alors vous demandez à tout le monde comment vont-ils?(so thats how you ask everyone how are they?)

--seulement ceux qui me semblent jolis(only to those I find pretty)

--And you find me pretty?

--oui (yes)

Arnos hand holds jericos as they lean into the other,his spare arm hugs her waist and Jers falls loosely around his Lower back.

Their lips press togheter for an instant,before parting away and then again meeting the other.

He felt like not letting go, he didnt want to leave tonight.

He felt his heart explode in Many colours as the vitraux in the cathedral when the sun hits it.

--Stay?--she asked softly as their foreheads pressed togheter.

--How long Will you stay?I cant say goodbye now

Jer felt her chest warm, and pressed a soft kiss on his lips again--A month maybe,but I do wish to see you again monsieur dorian...

Arno lifts her up like a bride and carries her back to the bed where he promptly lets her back rest and hover above her, letting his head fall on the crook of her neck to then cuddle her in said bed.

--Then ill stay

Jerico smiles , hugging him tightly.

Arno knew almost nothing about her,but this whole night felt right.

--bonne nuit chéri(good night sweetheart)

--bonne nuit mon prince( good night my prince)

And they were just getting started.

Every afternoon while Ray discussed the affairs that had brought them there, jerico and arno would sneak out to eat something at the most beautiful cafes in france.

Walk among the shore, and travel the markets.

When the clouds were present and the rain fell mercislessly upon france, they would be found in bed, cuddling eachother in the dark as the fireplace cracked.

And slowly,jer started to reveal who she was.

But not things like,what she liked, what interests she had,wich books she read,he found out about that the first week they spent togheter.

No, where she came from,why so much mistery upon their arrival.

She was a princes from a Place yet to be discovered,or to be revealed to humanity.

He had to spend a whole day processing all the information he was given.

And, yet that only made him want her more.

But love grew and the month fled away fast.

Both lovers were scared of separation, they couldnt be appart for long.

Ray,who had loved as strongly as his daughter did, decided to let her stay in a Palace in the outskirts of france in wich arno would move in a couple of weeks after.

Jer had the opportunity to leave france whenever she wanted.

But seeing that her love for arno was too big,as were his, it seemed that it would be a long time before that would happend.

Now,in a hot summer day, jer was under a tree, Reading when she felt a breeze.

--Mon amour...--her boyfriend said using the same purple fan who helped them meet to cool her down- May I get a kiss?

Jeri giggled at the dorkiness of arno, and nodded, kissing him softly.

They were not letting go any time soon.

《OKAY TO RB AND GUSH IN THE TAGS》

[puffintalia]

For the ask commentary: "I… can't explain," he tried. His heart was beating so fast, he could hear it echoing in his skull, feel the pangs of an approaching migrane. [..] A pathetic attempt at emotion from a man who could do nothing but destroy them (EFL, chapter 7)

right! so! lukas’ whole deal in efl is his different relationships with mads and with astrid, you know that. at this point, he’s still really struggling with his internalised homophobia and with coming to terms with his feelings for mads, but he knows he doesnt love astrid in that same way. but at the same time, its astrid hes dating. its astrid who calls him her boyfriend. so he feels guilty that he doesnt feel the same way about her as she seems to about him

when he says that he “cant explain”, its more that he doesnt want to. hes scared to: this is the 80s, as far as he knows neither he nor astrid have ever known a gay person in their lives and he is, clearly, terrified of how astrid could react. even though he knows she cares about him, hes still scared. and even if she was okay with it, coming out would mean that he would be inadvertently crushing her feelings for him - this is why he talks a lot earlier in the chapter about “betraying” her, he feels like hes lead her on by agreeing to be her boyfriend and then deciding hes not interested in women. so he says he “cant explain” not because he cant, but because hes too scared of the consequences of admitting his feelings, both for him and astrid. “things about me that’ve been botherin’ me” is similar, referring to his feelings toward mads and other men in general

“falling, everything was falling” to “a cacophony of catastrophe” is just his panic, i dont really know how else to describe it. ive always thought of him as one of those people who gets overwhelmed really easily when theyre upset or stressed, and since hes (vaguely) meant to be autistic in this fic (i only kinda hinted at it when eiki was talking about their family), its a sort of sensory overload. “so loud and but so devoid of ... anything that felt real” is about how hes experiencing this overload of his senses and all this physical feeling is rushing at him at once, but on the inside he’s just... numb. hes reached that point of emotion and panic where hes just starting to go into shutdown. i think that might also be an autistic thing - i dont exactly know a not-autistic experience - but its something i personally go through a lot when im pushed into taxing emotional situations. for lukas, his fear of astrids response and his own repressed emotions combined with the sensory overload are pushing him over that edge. he doesnt even have the energy to feel anything more

the last line is the hardest to explain. its one of those things that just comes out when youre writing that you dont really think much about but it kinda works so you keep it in there. “a pathetic attempt at emotion” is a sort of reference both to his habit of repressing his feelings and that general sort of view or stereotype of autistic people as ‘emotionless’ or robotic that i know a lot of us internalise. he represses the hell out of his feelings for mads, yes, thats the whole reason the plot even started, but this is more about his other emotions. he talks - well, thinks - a lot in chapter two about it and i cant remember but it might come up when eiki first talks about their family too. hes never thought of himself as ‘good’ with emotions and the shutdown just reinforces his view. he doesnt think he understands emotions like the people around him do. he knows the situation with astrid is upsetting, but he doesnt realise that his numbness is because hes upset and so he sort of... blames himself for not feeling the right emotions for the situation. he thinks the reason he feels numb is because hes incapable of having the right emotions, when really its because theyre so strong theyre overwhelming.

the second half of that line, “from a man who could do nothing but destroy them” is more directly about his relationship with astrid and his guilt about his feelings for matthias. despite it all, he and astrid are still dating and logically he knows that means shes in love with him. the emotion here are astrids feelings for him, and he thinks his newly-discovered sexuality is crushing them and hurting her in the process. you could almost say that he thinks that if astrid finds out that hes gay, she wont care about him anymore, not even as her oldest friend rather than a boyfriend. “could do nothing but” refers again to that narrative in lukas’ mind that is just constantly reminding him how awful hes always been with emotions and understanding them. even if its not true, he feels like letting people down and crushing their hopes for him is a regular, repeating occurrence and hes berating himself for it. this could even tie in to his whole situation with mads - by going with his natural instincts and avoiding him, hes hurting their friendship, and though thats not what hes referring to specifically here it does reinforce his idea that he cant do anything right and that he just crushes other peoples feelings when he cant handle his own

ok this is way longer than i meant for it to be but its interesting to look more in-depth into it. i know i definitely worried before about claiming lukas was an autistic character when its never explicitly stated, but i think you can see the effects of it on him in the text even if its not obvious that thats what it is, and i think its an important part of the fic too because it kinda dictates how he responds to things, just like it does here

thank u for asking this u have no clue how much i loved analysing my own writing like this wtf

[currentfandomkick]

Bio! Dad Strange part 3

Marinette, she had no idea how this happened, she swore, somehow got lost in gotham during an Arkham jailbreak. All she knew was one minute she was talking to Uncle Ed and then the next there was explosions and then she was... wherever she was.

Apparently Two-Face recognized her on the streets and grabbed her... only she didnt know him.

Her response was to flip him over her tiny shoulder and flee with a vengence. Guess which member of the batfam saw?

If you guessed Tim before he became a Robin because Dick was still Robin—albeit in charge of the Titans and not in Gotham at the time.

Tim did the reasonable thing and somehow convinced the freaked out french girl to go into a cafe while they called her parents.

Two-Face, convinced that tiny Tim kidnapped tiny Marinette and somehow his family would hurt tiny Marinette. Which given that she has how many Rogues around her little finger—Strange, Joker, Quinn, Ivy, Riddler, Penguin AND Zsasz. He did a coin flip to see if he should save her from being in the public eye and possibly expose her family. The coin was in favor of keeping Marinette from being on the news with pictures.

Two-Face decided it was safer to kidnap her from said public place and bring her to Ivy and Harley.

So he grabbed mutliple machine guns, raided the cafe and threw tiny Marinette over his shoulder and sent out shots at abyone that tried to get near them. He wasnt dying becuase of this kid, ok?

Of course said kid is super-powered, terrified, and did i mention its sunny out so her treatments are wearing out faster? No, well they are. This means everything is much scarier and louder and overwhelming that bwing thrown over a stranger that shot at people should be in any situation.

Tiny Tim is very scared for her. He finds Batman and alerts him to the tiny foreigner’s kidnapping—nearly getting killed by Mr. Freeze in the process to boot.

Batman is angry for many reasons, manages to take down Mr. Freeze and tells Gordon to be on alert for Two-Face who kidnapped a tiny french girl.

Only it gets worse.

Superman saw what was going on in Gotham and went to help out—his freind was dealing with a mass prison break of very dangerous criminals, why wouldnt he help?

And on hearing a tiny kid that freaked out in french was in danger? Well, what was he supposed to do Bruce? Ignore her?

He sent Conner after her while he helped out with a number of distrubed individuals, including a pyromaniac (firefly).

Conner manages to track down the pair on his own and almost loses it when he sees tiny Marinette kick Two-Face hard enough he falls down and the girl bolts a lot faster than a normal kid should. He comms in that the girl is a scared foriegn meta, and requests backup.

Kidflash is the one who answers, and takes care of Twoface while Conner tries to track down a terrifed tiny meta that screams in french.

Conner sees her running to a greenhouse and follows her in. Especially as the tiny girl jumped a lot higher than she should and it felt too familiar for comfort.

He manages to sneak in, followed by Kidflash, and they have an ‘oh shit’ moment when they see the scared girl run to a younger Poison Ivy with brown hair, crying. This teen holding a crying child is Rose.

Rose is visibly pissed. “Do you want me to kill him? J called dibs on his brother this time and Harley’s aiming for Tetch after last week.”

Tiny marinette shakes her head and delivers the best line for the young justice members, but worst for a baby Rogue.

“I dont want him to die, i just want him to stop hurting people.”

*remember, she is Jill in Gotham.

“Jilly bean, the world isnt nice. If it was, then batsy wouldnt have dropped me onto an ecoterrorist when i was a week old, and i would be allowed to leave the greenhouse. You wouldnt need to have nearly as many aliases as you do. You can try to make it nice in a lot of ways. I’m happy to handle extermination sicne thats the only thing i have shot at besides the rkc.”

Tiny marinette is frowning. “But then the world wins. I want to beat the world, not lose by being like it.”

Conner is (understandably) confused. Kidflash is processing that oh fuck. This is a meta raised by villians. And another meta raised by villians and goddamnit batman, why did you give a villian a baby? (He didnt. He gave ivy a ten year old. He thought she was her kid and she was raising her or something.)

Tiny Marinette is not happy with Rose’s conclusions.

“Can we call Ghoul and Frost? Maybe they can help with their dads?”

“And why not Puzzles?”

“He has asthma and he cant dodge.”

Rose considers for a moment before nodding. She grabs a plant and talks into it. “Ghoul, Frost, i need you at HQ. Someone has to reign in our dumbass parents. Bring the nuetralizers and tranqs.”

A voice came from another flower. “Should we have zsasz come with?”

“No! He’ll switch sides again!” Marinette yelled.

“Oh. Nets, what the hell are you doing at HQ?”

“Two-Face stole me. I ran.”

“Well, Fuck. Be there in five. Uh, how are your treatments holding?”

“She’s getting lighter. Might want to break out the rocks again.”

“Double fuck. Ill force Frost out of lab. Be there in a few—any crews to aviod or...”

“If they have a green arm band dont give them the fear toxin fixes, and Jerimah’s cult is back,” Marinette added.

“Fuck me up why dont you Gotham!” Ghoul cursed.

“Hey, she’s a kid!” Rose snapped

“Im older than you though!” Marientte chirped.

Conner had a lot to process with this information. Kidflash put together that they were applarently going to try to help the gothamites rather than the rogues, and decided they should leave and focus on helping the others.

Given that Marinette didnt catch the pair (she was still trying to focus on near things) she doesnt know that anyone but Batman and maybe Batgirl is fighting.

So she doesnt hide her abilities, flying at low levels to aviod Batman’s attention. But Kidflash and Batman see her and have a Moment of ‘which of us is telling Superman he might have another clone?’

Marinette, oblivious to this, is seen beside Jason Todd giving people Fear Toxin Antidote and Joker Gas Nuetralizer. Marinette is getting and distributing the antidotes. Jason Todd is making sure she doesnt die by wielding his baseball bat and riding his bike while she flies.

The day ends with most going back to Arkham and Marinette and Jason hiding from heroes for obvious reasons—including a teen and small child ignoring evacuation orders and avoiding GCPS.

Batman is aware of Marinette’s existence as “Jill” and “Nets” and that she helps a group of Rogue’s children that are content to undercut their parents crime. And now he knows Rose is either mcuh younger than he thought when he gave her (he thought brought her back home to) Poison Ivy. And is feeling guiltyTM

If you thought he was having a case of Serial Adopter Bruce Wayne, you are correct. He is now actively looking for these kids and where they are hiding since they moved post-breakout.

Zsasz is only slightly disappointed that Marinette didnt kill Two-Face. Jerome thinks its great and somehow convinces him to apoligize to her by offering to make up a number of contracts between rogues and the gotham underground in general to make things more organized so she and other rogue kids have a safe way of handling situations like that in the future.

Why dies JEROME of all people think this up and not Eddy or Riddler? The answer is he stole the idea from them, gave them no credit, and yes, is doing this as an attempt to score a few extra of marinette’s cookies. He has no shame in this, and riddler hates sweets so he isnt mad. Ed is too busy teaching Marinette Science to realize what happened until long after it did.

This puts Marinette and the RKC in a very odd position. Not only is The Batman trying to find them now, but they have to handle the Rogues trying to baby them. Ghoul and Frost are almost an adults, most people think Rose is almost an adult when irl she’s 5, and yes, Marinette is very much now Gotham Underground’s Princess as the Council is basically set up to ensure her safety.

Marinette knows none of this, as she is small child that just wants to cuddle her stuffed kitty Chaton and sleep on her Father (Strange) while he finishes up in his lab. She does this.

Mr. Freeze and Scarecrow got pictures. They use these to insert themselves in the Teach the Kids Science and Dangerous ThingsTM.

At one point marientte learns how to diassemble a bomb, reassemble one, and diffuse various bombs.

Riddler starts to use bombs more when she’s around to help her practice. Batman is confused as that is Not his usual M.O. Robin/ Dick gets called in and thigns get messy for the Batfam dynamics (he saw the research on the RKC and is pissed that He Was Right! Ivy Didnt Have Rose! and then saw plans for new batkids and reacted BadlyTM due to Teen AngstTM).

The summer ends with Batman having a bad fallout with Robin, Marinette thinking No One knows she’s kyptonian. When Conner suspects, Batman and Kidflash put two and two together, and no one has told Superman yet because um. Well.

They need the girl as proof and would rather not send Clark into another spiral about havig kids he wasnt aware of, ok? He just got decent with Conner. No need to rock the boat, right? (Wrong)

[mental-health-advice]

Unfortunately her boyfriend backs her up. Short story is that she said she would spill hot water on me. If she didnt say "hot" I woykfnt have reacted panicky... she claims she never said hot and it turned into an argument to the point I locked myself in the bathroom at the time. Thst was right before an appointment at a mental health clinic and she threatened with the whole court thing so I wouldn't tell... still cant say it out loud, I ended up writing the situation as detailed (1|🦚🌺)

as I could at the time. Now it's just a blur. As for work I'm not sure when I can work... last October I got written in sick for school for the rest if the year as I'm mentally too unstable. (Abitur, i guess our equivalent to highschool?) I'm currently waiting for a response to an application to an art college (our college isnt university. Its essentially just high school focussed on a certain career path. In my case art/graphic design ) and then need to figure that out... but yeah (2|🦚🌺)

basically no dorms or anything here I could escape to since it isn't university. I don't even know if I'm mentally stable enough to return to school and I'm still scared to say goodbye to my current school and teachers (been here since 2012. I cried about this mess multiple times). I suppose I could try to look into grounding techniques but I'm just a tad unsure. Tomorrow (as of the time sending this) I have another appointment with my therapist. We wanted to talk about a certain topic (3|🦚🌺

But lots of stuff happened and after the last appointment I impulse sent her screenshots and messages from my mother. So since that has been getting very bad throughout the week I'm not sure if plans have changed ;;" guess I'll see tomorrow. - final|🦚🌺

Trying to process the past hour rn... gosh... shit happened. I dont even know the details but basically my mother and her BF argued, mom ran off, BFs mother came over, I tried to calm down 3 of my 5 siblings while also calling our dad and aunt, mom came back ; more arguing but no yelling. Tried to ask what exactly is going on but apparently I dont have the right to ask because I've called her out on her traumatizing shit behaviour... asked her via text if shes okay and she said : (1|🌺🦚)

"Obviously, I need to function!" The hour just seems like a blur. Trying to put everything together rn but it's hard. I usually am unable to call people, I know I was nervous about the situation since I kept walking in circles and playing with my hands and just zoning out slightly. So I assume it was just kinda my brain going "nervous. Need help. Call family!" without even realizing I usually am unable to do it. Its finally somewhat quiet... I hope the situation gets solved... - 🌺🦚

Hi again! 

Oh gosh, this sounds like a lot for you to handle! I'm glad you were able to be there for your siblings when there was this altercation between your mom and her boyfriend, with the boyfriend's mom showing up. It sounds like you're a great sibling for being able to support them when these things happen even though they tend to be triggering for you. I think your siblings are lucky to have you! 

Moving out seems like it would be tricky, but it's great that you're exploring your options with sn open mind! It's understandable if you're not mentally able to work or attend school right now, as your health is important. Perhaps this is just something you could work towards with therapy, or maybe even something you could talk to your therapist about. Your therapist may have more suggestions that we haven't thought of here that could help you get out of your mom's house, such as community resources or things along that line. Therapists tend to be pretty knowledgeable about these kinds of things so they might be able to brainstorm some other options.

It's great that you were able to open up with your therapist about what's going on with your mom, though it probably is scary not knowing what will happen or if you'll be able to talk about the topic you guys were originally going to discuss. Hopefully your therapist will let you decide which topic (your mom vs what you were planning to discuss) is more pressing, or maybe there will even be time to discuss both topics. The good news is that therapists usually let the client decide what they want io talk about, unless there's a concern about safety for instance, so hopefully yours will let you take the lead tomorrow. Either way, I think it's good that you sent those screenshots so that will at least start the conversation when you're ready to have it! 

Finally, I'm glad you've been putting some thought into grounding techniques. They obviously don't work the same for everyone, but I've found that they can be really helpful when I get overwhelmed, which is why I thought of you when my therapist talked me through one last week. Maybe your therapist could help talk you through a grounding technique or help you find other coping mechanisms you would feel safe using at home. Just something to think about! 

I hope that the rest of your day goes better than it has so far and that your appointment tomorrow goes well! 

-Samantha 

[order-progress]

I used to have a really entitled outlook on life. In my mind though, I was entitled to my thought processes because it was where my mind existed in the place having had come from a once far more turbulent era. Back then I didn't question things that werent outwardly obvious. I didnt question the unremarkable identities of things that exhibited no distinctions amongst one another. Life was a stream of experience, and I just did the best of choices I decided to arrange, or really actually, more like shuffle choices into a messy pile and pat myself in the back cause I could squint at it my mismatched pile of non related events and not feel guilty for putting off routine, structure and goals.

I guess it isnt so surprising to anticipate that like all my other experiences, disicpline would present itself when and if I needed it to be summoned out of wherever creative and yet very hard to imagine location i would imagine it arriving at some future, ambiguous date, just in time to make no work look like fancier no work and with ribbons on it.

Something very common happened to me, something that is happinning right now all around the world, no matter how many days, or years after i first posted this here.

My boyfriend broke up with me.

I wore my entitlement pretty high that day, because somehow, despite there having been no carefully executed plan made on ky end--some masterpiece scheme of genius where one could really see there existed some reasonable and healthy attention to tackle to fucking problem.

Nope. My mother fucking entitled ass decided id actually be shocked. Not even fake shocked. Thats how you know you have lost touch with your surroundings, because big things happen in your wake..while your awake and yet somehow your stuck on who killed the butler in the library with the candle stick.

What makes this one of the most significant event despite its occurance being fairly common globaly, is that his presence had caused me to become more aware of more of the things I would have otherwise taken in stride, none of these events were remarkable on their own, but collectivelly, I had inadvertantly cleaned up my mindspace to find neatly organized clusters of thoughts no longer blending into the subconcious like 70's urban grafitti.

I didnt hold that moment to some disporportionately skewed sugar coating scale just to get ribbons on them after they were organized,I just acknowledged them, like a breath,where as before, they were simply obstacles or pit stops that would perpetuate the chronic attention deficit I had welcomed into my head. I like to think of ADD as the worlds most innefective street sweepers, they sweep alright, but they just make a bigger mess and then you got things in places they have no business being in.

I was in a place of low self worth because of an accumulated collection of short lived and half assed adventures, disastrous endeavers and the nefarious presence of something so obscured, so black and forboding, made me avoid certain places for simply not wanting to deal with the house keeping it wouldve required to mitigate its destructive intentions.

I kept myself busy to not force the acknowledgent that this would become a source of not only my insecuruties, but then in addition to its ever increasing interconnectedness, its complexity. Its chambers that hardened like a mystical kight of armor, whose drawers were full of destructive objects and thoughts that rattled in their confinement as a means of foreshadowing something so sinister, I could not then yet fathom the destrutive ways its icy talons would engulf and twist into my everyday life simply to create chaos, and it didnt register that this was a problem because amidst this battle royale of fragments and bits of poorly put together patterns, Francisco's presense was a light whose emimation lulled me into a complacecy I hadnt anticipated

It wasnt that in this period, that I conciously made a decision to disregard the growing issue, it was the novelty of being in a loving, beautiful and mature relationship with someone that as each day grew, so did my conviction that this person was becoming the brightest fixture in an ever cramped confined hallway of possibilities.

As I stood there aware of this moment, feeling a satisfaction and a gratitude I had never felt before, I realized that I had come so far on autopilot, it was a move that was almost instinctual, I rolled my sleeves up, put on the rocky theme song, got my gym bag ready, went and bought like every stupid unessecary stupid trinket shit people buy to feel like their getting a handle and a good start on some shit, but really it just becomes the infuriating bag of junk that is now the obstacle between you and the door handle to exit your car and actually start your project.

I felt a sense of urgency, I saw how unequipped I had been and while I was and it was this moment that taught me how much I loved him. I reckognized that somehow I was one of those fucking weirdos that jumped through those seedy ass short cut type scenarios in life to give you the same effect of the real thing in less the time, kind of like a GED vs high school diploma, or plan b instead of condoms.

I recognized that there was an innate element of unneccesary risk involved in many of my accomplishments. The risk was usually always a concious decision that I would accept a certain amount of totally unnecessary consequences that typically would define the life of those people who you catch specific glimpses of in mysterious times like dawn or dusk. And be like..yea i could totally see that guy having to figure out what to do with the llama he inherited as a result of some gamble.

This was no longer an acceptable risk. It wasnt that i thought it was dangerous or scare him away, its that I am not the kind of man that wakes up and sees the problems his factory has and finally knows how to fix it and then just be okay with going to bed and put it off.

This is where I get annoyed again. I knew that I wasnt capable of actively doing something against him, because we both agreed on things, and also neither of us was completely high as fucking kite on methamphetamines while operating a forklift to tune a paino yet.

I couldnt ever feel bad about atheletes who ugly cried after being disqualified for juicing to get an unfair advantage in the sports world.

Yet once again my overwhelming confidence, my lovable man mentality of "fuck a map or tools you got grit, spit and teeth". Prevailed.

Im mad because it was this moment right here. In a sea of me being happy to grow and learn and doing the rignt thing. I saw a place i overlooked, its presence was almost like a marker that there were many other areas i needed to work on, and i got sad.

I didnt feel good enough. I felt like a mess. I felt dissapointed at the pride in nothing I had taken so many times. I was finally proud of the changes i was making again, only to be reminded in a very real way of how I never had structure, never had a fail safe implemented effectively to instead of adopting either anxiety or no fucks about an event that could have been in my power to mitigate, i either didnt even notice I missed it, or didnt care.

As I started seeing the mountain of work I had to do, I wondered what it meant about how effectively i could handle other things moving forward, it was an irrational fear that I had that I would dissapoint him because I wanted us to be happy. But i am an artistic person, people who work with details to make a larger picture learn early on how to work details, and I never evaluated just how shoddy my altertanitive crash course was like getting PlAN B instead of putting a condom on.

I can handle pressure effectively. I can be okay with my decisions. What I cant do is open up a factory, see everything that was negelcted when I now know how to fix it, and then go to sleep like nothing bothered me.

I never in my life found myself in a place where i came face to face with old life and it made me feel sad or humilated. I felt like a fraud for just having gotten lucky that everytning worked out, while he worked hard.

I suddenly felt something I never experienced before, fear in love. The moment where you realize your not a piece of shit because you actually dont want to let someone down, the moment when you feel bad because you walked around in life with luck you didnt give a second thought to and passed it off as hard work. And here was this beautiful man, whose life was suffering and hard work, and you realized all of it at once, and there I was, eager fucking beaver captain america man of the house cause now i feel like a god damned engineer since i could assemble an ikea 3 piece wrench-back the fuck up motherfuckers.

I just felt humbled and i felt driven. I also felt the pressures rise up around me and I dont know why I couldnt look away from the sight of the realization of how id been. And its not like i did it all on purpose, but from that moment on, it was as if I had something to prove to myself that at that time I couldnt understand yet because I hadnt reflected yet. And as I was taking the scenic route on ways to "punish yourself is actually how we fucking motivate ourselves around here cus were fucking men" the bigger I created something inside me that wasnt ever there. And then as the places that I had been tendering to and growing in started to not be kept, pressure in my life at home happened. And for the first time in my entire life I was embarrassed at my life.

I remember the moment I felt it, my mom leaving me at work after I lost my car. I walked 2 miles in the cold because i was infuriated that I allowed another event I could have forseen to happen.

I never in my life reflected this intensley on my actions before. Having him in my life made me realize I had been holding myself to a higher standard because I am at my best when I when I am actively building towards something. I opened a place in me I never saw with those eyes and it hurt me. I tried to let him in, and to be honest, the insecurities of him seeing all that mortiified me..not because I would be seen as a slob or this or that, i was just dissapointed that I for a time during when I needed it the most in my early life, I wasnt necessarily taught healthy ways to do things. Mostly because I came to this country at 10, didnt know english, parents worked all the time until i was 16 and then dad got sick with brain cancer and we caught it after he had a seizure cause dad apperently loved moonlighting as my biggest fan when he would go reading my journal at night.

I didnt know how to explain it to francisco. I was feeling. New concept, i was feeling out of sync, i didnt understand why it hit me so hard. I was trying to look away and orient myself on the present.

I could have just dealt with that. But i suddenly felt raw and vulnerable. My boyfriend and I were getting into arguments because I just wanted us to be closer due to this need i didnt know how to vocalize about what I was going through, and he hesitated because he probably thought id leave him if i saw his dirty secrets.

That was the one thing he really never appreciated about my love. I just knew. If everything else was as evident ..like this feelings and where they came from and how to process them healthy while ...it just all got too much. I didnt know how to tell him what I needed. I just needed him.

I started to feel like i wasnt tethered to the focused areas I was so eager to work in. I just kept telling myself communication is key we will get through it.

Then I the drugs did something I didnt expect them to. They turned off this guilt and switch. They gave me the quiet to make them come down to a more manegeable place where I wasnt overwhelmed anymore.

Because I couldnt process this in words at the time, i didnt know how to express that to him. It led to me feeling guilty for not understanding why i enjoyed doing the drugs aside from the stimulant effect. When i tried to explain it to him, it was like trying to coin a cheesy motto for a doomed cereal commercial in french, basically everuthing sounded like something he had no understamding or could relate to.

I started feeling depressed because i could see that although from his perspective we were fighting..

I was even more frustrated becauese we werent fighting. I was pretty much crying, trying to tell him in french something he didnt understand while he was yelling at me in english about me not respecting him by not speaking english.

This was the worst fucking part. Because part of the issue that led me here was accountabiliyy and communication.

I kept telling him in the only way i knew how.please im sorry i know things are getting worse. But this isnt how we are.

I thought we could get through anything.

In his mind he saw a piece of something, he ignored my emotional attachment to it..and i mean i cant blame him, other people never quit.

But even in those moments i knew i wasnt going to be other people.

And suddenly i was alone. I was depressed. I had realized that it wasnt us that was th issue so i tried so hard to communicate more effectively that he got frustrated and said i talked in loops. I felt so alone because i understood his frustration and i just needed him to trust me. But that was the perfect storm when i just got so alone feeling from his inability to just not look at me how i felt at myself. And i honestly tried to fix it in the middle of him running away and the most painful thing was that he couldnt understand and i didnt know how to say it.

I dont blame him for leaving

But a part of me breaks to my very core to know that if he just literally lookrd at me like yes i was going crZy but i was just hurting and overwhelmed.

All i wanted and needed was him.

The worst. Pain was that he didnt see that.

And i needed to explain it. And he didnt let me.

I felt like i was desperatly trying to express something of real explaination. I just honestly was desperate to because he was running.

I

[comfortmarvelimagines]

🎁🍔🎧🦄🍯🌈🌡🎢💅🎆❤️ for the asks, i love your blog btw!!

thank you so much !!!!! some of these double up with qs ive already answered, so just check out the previous two asks if you see ive missed any :) 

🍔- do you have sensory problems with food? what food do you like to eat?

my biggest sensory issue was with meat, which is the main reason why ive been a vegetarian for like 5 years. i dont like any carbonated drinks, lollies or anything too sweet. on a bad day, my go-to foods are usually bread and pasta bc Plain, but i also eat lots n lots of fruit and veggies n lentils. i also dont like anything ‘squeaky’, like green beans and zucchinin and haloumi. i also get really hesitant with new foods if people offer them to me. if im trying something new i want it to be on my own terms (but i dont often eat new foods)

🎧- what symptom(s) of yours is the hardest for you to deal with?

id say sensory, just because it makes it difficult for me to be independent. i cant go anywhere other than uni and work on my own bc i dont know what the input will be like. there have been days where ive forgotten my headphones and had to get off the train before my stop to calm down, or missed class bc i just cant get on the connecting bus. i cant stay in classes bc of the lights or the noise and i miss out on countless social events bc i know i wont be able to handle it and my friends will have to ‘look after me’ instead of enjoying themselves (and i dont want them to be resentful to me for ruining their night, nor do i want to stop them from having fun). it can be isolating and hard and mean people treat me differently whether or not they know what im struggling with. 

🍯- do you stim? what are some ways you stim? 

i stim in lots of ways !! ive finger stimmed since the beginning of time and i love flicking and tapping my fingers, rubbing my hands on top of each other, bouncing my fingers together and happy flapping ! i like rocking and spinning when im alone. i also wave my arms and bounce them off my thighs when im alone/ know im not accidentally going to hit anyone. there are some less-fun ways that i stim but i dont really wanna talk about them right now.

🌡- do you prefer the heat or the cold? is one or the other stimmy? does one or the other cause sensory problems?

COLD ALL THE WAY. literally as i write this im struggling with the heat. i want y weighted blanket but its too hot so i have my knees sticking out, and my ears are hot under my headphones. i like wearing clothes that cover my body and i hate being sweaty and i cant eat when its hot and i feel yucky and i cant fix and GOD i hate the heat. but i live in australia so guess im fucked my country is burning and ive been breathing in the smoke all day 

🎢- what are some common phobias you have?

i guess the usual ones like spiders and bugs and shit? i have so much anxiety im pretty much scared of everything At All Times 

💅- how do you usually practice self care?

look, ive been struggling with self care recently. im burnt out but still pushing myself and so being able to shower and wash my hair and keep my living space clean and actually look after myself has been overwhelming. but when im able to i practice self care by dying my hair (its green rn !), practicing my violin (SpIn), keeping my space organised so that i can get through the basics without being overwhelmed and allowing myself the space to stim and regulate both before and after i start my day, so that i can better cope with and process everything 

❤- what’s your favorite color? 

atm its forest green, like my hair and my monstera adansonii

[luhvelight]

Hey 🌟 Can I have a tarot reading please? I have my Public Health final exam on Friday and wanted to ask how it’ll go? I’m doing well in the class but I’m in nursing school so if you fail the final exam (less than a 75.5%) you fail the entire course. Anyways, thanks! :)

Hello CVMC! I do want to sincerely apologize for getting to your reading so late and even on the day you took your Public Health Final. I do have the mentality “better late than never” and so I still wanted to do this reading in hopes that it can resonate with you somehow. My finals were this week aswell, so once again I do apologize to getting to your reading so late. ♥️

For you I pulled the upright Fool, upright Eight of Swords and upright Seven of Pentacles.

The Fool is actually my favorite tarot card and it is a card that has only pulled up in one other reading that I have done on my tumblr. The Fool shows a man looking out into the horizon. He is about to embark on a journey and he is unsure of what obstacles or danger could lie ahead. Nonetheless, the Fool will proceed. He is equipped with just a tiny bag full of resources, a companion (dog) and a guardian angel watching over him throughout his journey. The Fool indicates to me that maybe within this career, final or program, you have always felt like you were stepping into uncharted territory. This all felt new, scary yet exciting for you and despite the obstacles, you have exceeded and done quite well. The Fool is here to remind you that you have ENOUGH and that you are enough. You have everything you need to succeed and make a name for yourself, even if you dont feel that you do. You brains and your virtuous heart will take your places. You may also have a strong connection with your spirit guide or have a guardian angel of some sorts watching over you. This also may be a sign that you have been noticing signs that someone is near or that you may have to start taking notes of the details around you that may hint that someone or something is watching over you. You are immensely protected and immensely powerful, you have what it takes. Tell yourself that—- you have what it takes. The Seven of Pentacles is an excellent card to recieve especially regarding work or school (and this final). The Seven of Pentacles indicates that your hard work is finally paying off and that you may have your big break soon. The Seven of Pentacles also reminds you to be patient with this process. Relax and reflect. Reflect on how much progress you have made and what you have accomplished. Envision your journey as if it were a movie playing right infront of you! You can also have a little celebration in your head. Treat yourself to something sweet or just give yourself a long hug. Its time for some self appreciation and self love session. The Seven of Pentacles does warn you however to not fret if this reward will not be paid off immediately or the process may be slow. Once again, remind yourself of how much progress you have and how far you have come. The Eight of Swords suggests that you often may trap yourself with negative thoughts and over thinking. This kind of mentality shows the Universe that maybe not be quite prepared to recieve such gifts. Sometimes when our thoughts are clouded and we recieve too many opportunities at once— we may feel overwhelmed or over stimulating. These kind of feelings can lead us to think that we cant handle whatever is coming our way and we may have the potential to ruin this opportunity that could be highly beneficial. The Universe never expects us to be perfect and never expects our mindset to be 100%. But the Universe does encourage us to think differently or gain new perspectives. You may just be in your head too much, so the Eight of Swords is suggesting that you rely on your family or friends for support. Maybe opening up or talking to someone about how you feel will change the way you think. You may gain insight from this individual and this could possibly change the way you think about a certain dilemma or situation.

Once again, I do apologize for not getting to your reading early enough. Please let me know if you do end up passing your final. Im wishing you the best. Sending lots of love and luck your way. ♥️