#but most things went unspoken and most consequences unseen

[supjello]

"Your son?" "My apprentice, but I think of him like a son."

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 20)

PART TWENTY! I've written thousands and thousands of words about this particular character's love. That's really crazy. And you guys read thousands and thousands of words! And we're not even done yet!

We will talk about the second half of this "gap arc", including one of my favorite chapters, and then the school will turn upside down, as we will see in the next part.

Chapter Ninety-Three

Mikan was so exhausted saving Narumi from Persona’s alice that she ended up hospitalized. Nobody else seems to know much of what really happened except Natsume, who spends so much time in the hospital these days that it would have been more surprising if he didn’t know she was there too.

Besides, Natsume knows so much about Mikan. He knows about her mom and that the ESP is interested in Mikan possibly possessing the stealing alice. He knows that she’s in danger. He’s vigilant, as I’ve said, and this vigilance means absorbing all possible information. He overhears Narumi warning Mikan to keep her new alice a secret, and Natsume gets confirmation that Mikan does indeed have the stealing alice, that Narumi knows and wants to protect Mikan too, and that this information could possibly get to the ESP if they’re not careful.

Dead man walking. Or rather... dead boy walking.

He walks away from her room, unseen, coughing. He walks down a hall of doctors and patients and nurses and he doesn’t stand out at all. Natsume’s presence in the hospital is so normal that nobody bats an eye anymore. Kaname is hospitalized for long stretches of time, as we shall continue to see, but Natsume merely goes to the hospital for limited periods of bed rest and for getting huge bags of medicine to take before bed so he doesn’t accidentally pass away in his sleep. Natsume might be in just as much need as Kaname for long periods of hospitalization, but he can’t for two reasons.

One, the school absolutely does not want that. They want their favorite child soldier to be always at the ready. He can’t be at their beck and call at all times if he’s cooped up in a hospital bed. He needs to be where they can grab him easily, and pumping him full of medicine and pretending that’s enough for him is the most they will do.

Two, Natsume absolutely does not want that. Mikan is in more danger than ever, and being sequestered in a hospital without seeing anyone leaves her alone and unprotected. How is he supposed to spy on the ESP and Persona for information on Mikan if he’s hospitalized? He needs to be free as a bird, just like they want him to be, so that he can be at Mikan’s beck and call. At the slightest threat, he will be there for her.

Later, when Bear follows Mikan around while Kaname is sicker than ever, Koko can discern that Bear wants Mikan to steal Kaname’s alice from inside of him. Many people are onlooking, and Natsume has a shocked expression, not because he didn’t know that Mikan has the stealing alice, but because he’s concerned for what consequences may come if more people find out. If the ESP comes to hear any of this, serious issues will arise. Things are already dangerous enough, but if the ESP finds out, then turmoil will come sooner than later.

This is an "Oh, shit" moment! How terrible.

Things get worse when the rumors about Mikan’s alice spread through the upper divisions. Mikan gets chased by upperclassmen who want her to steal their alices because they think their star rank will go up if they can catch her in the act. The ESP seems to have purposefully spread such a rumor in order to speed things along. He wants to push Mikan into a corner, perhaps force her into using her alice and exposing herself, so that he has an excuse to swoop in and take her into his custody.

We see a panel of Natsume hearing the news of the middle schoolers’ pursuit of Mikan and he’s just as shocked as before. Her life is endlessly hectic in the worst way. She is always under attack from rumors and speculation and being honest about her alice will only end poorly for her. This is the last glimpse we get of him this chapter, but his reactions, despite the fact that he says nothing this whole time, is enough to give hints to where his mind is right now. His priorities and concerns are all made clear, building up to when he will eventually be quite needed.

Chapter Ninety-Four

Class B is getting ready for swimming lessons in P.E. Most of the class, especially Mikan, are excited for this.

There’s not much Natsume in this chapter either, but we can see him on the poolside, obviously not well enough to swim. Swimming is one of the most physically taxing exercises because of how much it requires you to use your full body. Natsume can’t waste what little energy he has on P.E. when he has missions to do. Those are much more important.

Mikan may get occasionally down or sad about her alice and the uncomfortable state of things, but Ruka is there to cheer her up and play water polo with her. Natsume simply looks on.

Tsubasa spots him, and instantly looks troubled. He and Natsume are not just both in the DA class now, they’re also going on many of the same missions. He’s also the only one who knows the truth about Natsume’s alice shape, and how much the taxing missions affect his body. Seeing Natsume sit on the side and not join in with the others is not a good sign. He’s not doing well.

Fun and games are over! It was never gonna last long anyway!

The panel of everyone having fun while Natsume coughs by himself, isolated from everyone, brings to mind the page from Chapter Nine, so long ago. The last page of that chapter has Natsume being sent on a mission, in stark contrast to the final panel of the rest of the class having fun and bonding over dodgeball.

He could never join in for long was the message we got then, and it’s not any less true now. Natsume let himself get attached to Class B and to Mikan in particular but his fun happy times of joining in on the fun were never meant to last. He can’t play the sax anymore. He can’t run around with the rest of them. Luna was a warning to him as much as she was to Mikan. His time is running out and his life will always be too different from the rest of theirs. He will always be shrouded in darkness and an imminent death. They can take occasional breaks from the stress and worry of their lives, but he can’t. Not anymore. Not in any real way. Not without it taking a serious toll on his body.

The last page features two groups of best friends: Natsume and Ruka looking out the window at Hotaru and Mikan as they walk through the rain.

Bad things are going to happen. And that right soon.

There’s a feeling of foreboding in this arc. The last page carries some threat with it while also trying to stay on the side of hope. One should not take things for granted is the main take-away, a harsh lesson for these kids to learn, especially in this way.

These few chapters between the Sports Fest and the next arc are almost similar to the gap chapters between the Hana Hime den chapters and the Sports Fest. They are a much needed respite from the heavy chapters before and after. The difference is that these gap chapters are heavier and there’s a threat looming over Mikan and the others in each one. The happiness and lightness of the Valentine’s day chapter are not present, even in this sweet chapter about swimming. Everyone is unsettled and disturbed, aware that something horrible is to come.

Chapter Ninety-Five

And nothing good ever lasts, as this chapter reveals. The tension that has been building for so long is starting to reach a boiling point.

A lot will happen here. Hotaru gets called to the headquarters. Yuka returns to the Alice Academy campus to find Mikan. Tsubasa goes missing.

God, could they stop sending children to get blown up for FIVE MINUTES?!

Natsume and Tsubasa are separated during a nondescript mission. A warehouse explodes and Natsume screams out for Tsubasa, not knowing where he’s disappeared to, or if he’s even still alive.

Tsubasa is missing, his location unknown. Natsume has returned to campus from the mission, but he hasn’t been seen by anybody yet either. He’s busy trying to locate Tsubasa, trying to find information.

Natsume goes on missions all the time. He goes with other DA types and is frequently in life or death situations with them. That being said, he hates most of his classmates, Youichi being one exception. But Tsubasa is different. They have an unspoken respect for each other, and might even be considered friends. They spent a lot of time in the DA class on missions that we haven’t seen in the manga and their work to find--or rather not find--Yuka and protect Mikan has probably brought them closer.

Natsume wants to find Tsubasa because he’s so important to Mikan, because she loves him like a big brother and losing him would break her. He wants to find Tsubasa because Tsubasa is his friend too. If something happened to him on a mission they went on together, then it’s his responsibility to bring him back, and he might even feel guilty for his disappearance as well. Knowing what we do about Natsume’s self-esteem, martyr complex, and tendency to blame himself for everything, he is probably not taking this very well.

It’s exciting and nerve-wracking to see so many people involved in this chapter, but seeing as everything’s coming to a head, many of the characters narratively have to be involved.

Nobara, who discovers that Narumi plans to run away with Mikan to keep her safe from what’s to come, is soon after made aware that she will be blessed with a friend in the DA class: Mikan. Nobara and Natsume do not get along, but so far she’s been diligent in communicating with him about information she discovers that he would not otherwise find out. There’s no way she wouldn’t try to reach out to him, which explains why he knows about it.

Natsume has been mainly absent from the chapter, and from school as well. Nobody has seen him, because he’s too busy trying to find Tsubasa. But it’s nighttime now and everyone is going to sleep. The rumors about Tsubasa’s disappearance are all around the school and he knows that Mikan knows by now. And she’s all alone.

So he takes a break from all the work he has to do to go and comfort her. He cannot leave her alone, even if he originally planned on it.

He appears in her window and she rushes to him. She asks him questions, about where he’s been and all those wounds on his body, but he didn’t come here to talk about what happened to him. He’s here for her. He confesses that he hadn’t wanted to see anyone until he’d found Tsubasa safe and sound, but he had to see her, fearing that she was crying on her own.

They're both sad. They're each other's comfort.

Natsume knows Mikan, that she frequently acts fine even if she’s suffering. Her resilience and determination are great traits, and it’s easy to get lost in the illusion that she should always be bubbly and optimistic and smiling, but even a girl like Mikan needs to let it out sometimes. Finding out that someone you love is missing is not easy, and smiling in the face of that is not something that even Mikan can do all the time. She needs comfort, and Natsume wants to be there for her.

He’s wanted this the whole time, deep down, to be someone she could rely on, someone who could comfort her, and now he’s the only one who can. All the things he’s wanted to do for her this whole time: to comfort her, to tell her it’ll be okay, to hug her. He does it all because after all they’ve been together, she knows now that he’s someone she can rely on.

She’s crying, and she admits that she couldn’t stop even if she wanted to, because she has to cry in Natsume’s place.

Natsume came to comfort her, yes, but he’s been through a lot too. He also cares about Tsubasa and has been suffering on his own for even longer. He also needs comfort, and because he won’t let himself cry, she’ll do it for him. Mikan can see that he can’t afford to not be perfectly composed all the time. She’s thinking of him, too, and it must be nice to be seen so clearly by somebody he loves.

She knows that he's close to Tsubasa too, even if he won't admit it. THEY'RE EACH OTHER'S COMFORT.

He tells her he will find Tsubasa, and “about her too”, which means he’s letting her know he’s taking care of her. He will keep an eye out and try to keep her safe. He’s hinting that he knows about her other alice, and that he’s on top of it. He has to go now, but his farewell--his promise--is his final way of comforting her for the night. She doesn’t need to worry too much about Tsubasa or what will happen with the school, because he will fix it all. He will protect her.

Conclusion

There's something looming over the kids at the academy. Something really bad is going to happen, and everyone seems somewhat aware at this point. Natsume is at the ready for the slightest threat to Mikan, and he will finally be able to spring into action in the next edition of this already-too-long essay.

So... This is the twentieth part. If I'm to guess, I'd say there's not going to be another ten parts to make it to thirty, but I might be wrong, depending on how long my analysis gets in the last parts of the manga. As I post this, I'm about fifty chapters ahead (which sounds impressive but actually isn't considering the Time Travel Arc has groups of entire chapters that I had to skip). Maybe it'll get to something like twenty-eight but I'm not sure about thirty. We'll see. Once upon a time I thought it'd be forty, even! No, not Natsume's. Mikan's, maybe, but not Natsume's.

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[dokuhebi]

Shatteredxlookingxglass asked: For the Phobia prompts... Atychiphobia: My muse comforts yours after a (real or perceived) failure. -OR- Dipsophobia: Our muses drinking together. ~~ Dan @shatteredxlookingxglass​

Phobia Drabble Prompts Atychiphobia: My muse comforts yours after a (real or perceived) failure.  / Dipsophobia: Our muses drinking together. // @shatteredxlookingxglass The trees groan miserably as the deployed team pushes through thick and damp terrain. Familiar grounds branching off in to something far less known and safe. The forests surrounding Fire Country carried the risks of enemy shinobi, treacherous elements and beasts large enough to treat these expanding sequoia trees as little more than twigs beneath clawed or scaled feet. Unknown grounds or not however, as the group leaves behind the routes they have all explored throughout childhood, there is still one very familiar aspect to this. Danger itself. There is nothing new about the perceived sensation of a reaper tailing the group, waiting to find out which Leaf shinobi would be picked off first to be dragged to some unseen beyond.  Despite this graveness however, life continues to exist rather peacefully until chaos ensues. The greeting from a small rodent that scurries past, the ever pleasant and charming songs from the birds calling one another in the trees above. One particular little song, causing the viper to travel back in time in their own mind. 

“Why is she in a trap Taichou?” they are only eight years old, trained and talented enough to be deployed in to these lethal woods, with nothing more than a team captain as their guide. Their golden eyes are upon the small songbird, looking frantic in its prison, as the team captain stages another trap beside the one it is now ensnared in. It’s calls, pretty as they are, strike the child as a little sad. “She’s bait,” the man replies curtly, focused more on his task than the childs curiosities. Because food rations were now diminished, and he had a squad of shinobi relying on his lead. “But why do you want to lure a predator?” they ask again, childlike innocence compelling them to open her trap up for her release. As easy as coaxing a butterfly from a spiders web. Of course then, as Sensei had once told them, the spider would starve. Today, if they are analyzing their captains work correctly, it would be their team that starved. Although after meeting the birds eyes, the serpentine child has decided they very much wouldn’t be bothered skipping a meal on this evening. “I’m not baiting a predator. I’m baiting her mate.” That was the final answer the captain gave, and a firm lesson the child could not shake even in to adulthood. The little bird, clueless to its fate and the one awaiting its partner, would relentlessly call. And it would be the bond between two life mates that caused both to perish. Because hunters knew to exploit nature at ever turn. Because if one bird was caught, it would forever sing a song of rescue to its counterpart, and without fail, that counterpart would place fears aside to seek the other out. Be it a parent coming to a child, siblings, mates or cherished companions, care would be the catalyst. A jaded tale of love, if ever there were one. And while watching the songbird wailing in hope its partner would come, as if the other bird would ever be any help, the child watches with a little morbid criticism; stop calling, you’ll only get them killed.

On this mission, with Dan taking the position of team captain, a job that both offered honor to those who succeeded in missions or stripped it bare from those who failed, the serpent would once more encounter this lesson. This time however, they would be the foolish one who lured someone they cared for to harm. Ignorant to the fact that the danger they placed themself in, could so easily be translated over to a burden for someone else. Or so they would pretend. Dan had placed his team in a functioning order, but the serpent would break from it.  Pretending that amid this plan, an error was made where they could not properly take up the position they ought to. Pretending they had needed to improvise when something went wrong. It would be a purposefully made miscalculation on their part, knowing that Dan was never oblivious to them, knowing they could not escape the eyes of a trained Kato. In fact, they were betting on it. Within a few moments of intentional grave error, the serpent is well aware that they have walked in to a trap. One they admittedly would have survived with or without outside help. But only they know about their own ability to survive this without aid, and they would not need to prove this knowing their comrade wouldn’t be taking such a chance. Dan would arrive at their defense to mitigate the damage, he would arrive to ensure the vipers safety, as the two make quick work of the enemy forces. But the serpents action of drawing Dan away from his own position meant there were other casualties. Meant the part of the team abandoned faced another downfall. A downfall the serpent had calculated too, and found no sure way to avoid. They should have told Dan what they had sighted, they should have mentioned the inevitable loss. That was what a captain relied on, the honesty of the team, the cooperation of being a multi shinobi force. Orochimaru however, had feared Dan would ally with his team in the same fashion he had allied with the serpent in the heart of such danger. They were afraid, that he may meet the same fate. It is why they keep it to themself, why they can not bring themself to risk his life for the lives of those they barely know. It is also why, however, Dan ends up taking the brunt of failure. Why he is accused of losing a team, failing an assignment, and left with the mountain heavy guilt of that ‘fact’. Not a fact at all of course, if one knew there was a betrayal on the team. A betrayal due to something as innocent as a well formed bond - now, in the serpents experience, was that not merely nature at its most honest? They had on this night, been the little bird singing it’s companion in to death like a siren might. They were, and remain completely aware of it, the one who is the cause for the mans lowered morale and mood. The real culprit of failure. So it is perhaps, the least the can do to try help Dan drown away his sorrows for the evening. Why, on the sleepless night the two return home, they find themselves still clad in blood stained uniforms, hidden only by the dark cloaks that had shielded them from the outside weather, at the only open bar. These are times of war. Nobody notices the flash of a crimson stain, nobody asks whether or not someone has had too much to drink or not. They sit beside him, knowing they should be feeling remorse for their hand in this. That his guilt is a burden they chose to give him, feeling it a better consequence than death.  “The only thing that is not blue these days is the sky,” they mutter to him, observing the way the strong sake swirls at the bottom of their cup. Warranting a refill. Their golden eyes glance over to the man, offering the support a close companion ought to, company and agreement that life was just as insufferable as their currently downed comrade felt it was. Even if, at heart, they were simply relieved he had made it out in one piece. Even if his failure reflected in his eyes like broken glass. A little more sharp than broken perhaps. “We should just be glad it wasn’t you, or me,” they continue in the honesty of any shinobi who was both tipsy and well aware the man they spoke to was likely drunk enough to not remember what was being said, “places speak the names of everyone we know after all. I bet neither of us would ever sit at this bar again if the other died.” Because they have watched the way the dull but warm bar lights play tricks on the mans moon coloured hair, the way those same lights hit is ocean eyes. The way he takes up the space of the bar stool he sits upon, the way his frame blocks out the other patrons, shields them without thought from the room they prefer not mingling with, from the chilled breeze that threatens to crawl in from the open door. And they know, if that seat were ever empty, because the gods forbid something happened to him, they would certainly be unable to take their own seat ever again. It is when they catch the way the glass moves unsteadily in his hand, not curiously motivated so much as a result of impaired mobility, that they slip from their bar stool and settle the tab. Again - the least they could do. “That’s enough for tonight,” they mutter, more to themself than Dan, who was either saying something too drunk for them to understand, or else, was saying something perfectly comprehensible, but the serpent themself was the one too drunk to comprehend it. Whichever way it was, the midnight haired shinobi had decided the two have done enough poisoning for one night. Their own abode was closer, even if it did require a clumsy ascent up three sets of stairs. They keep a slim arm around the small of his back as they clamber up, once more unsure of whether their smaller form is giving him any support, or whether he is merely offering it to them. They had spent many nights interrupting his peaceful nights with their ideas. Entering with some new conclusion or finding, talking in their quiet but evidently enthusiastic manner, eventually succumbing to fatigue and falling asleep upon the very couch he offered them. Where the man would without fail find a blanket to draw over the serpent, daring not to interrupt the rare sleep they had managed. Tonight however, after fumbling with their locks, they would be the one to return that favor. Guiding him to their couch, helping him sit down and then eventually, covering him with a blanket after the polite effort of removing his shoes, cloak and flak jacket. Words are unspoken however, or perhaps only half spoken. They wonder if he knows them well enough. Did he hear it amid the rest of their ramblings? Did he hear it in their actions and behaviours? Did he hear it in their relief? Their excuses? Their every reaction - even their silence? ────   ‘I don’t want to lose you.’ Their svelte form sits in the gap left on the couch beside his abdomen, moving a strand of pale hair to investigate a gash on his forehead. Determining whether the cleaning could be left until morning, as to leave his sleep undisturbed. Finally determining that it could. It is not the only thought running through their mind however. They had made quite the promise to themself after all, one where they would not form attachments to people who were so fragile. Where they would not create a bond of any sort, when the human life was a fragile little flame so destined to burn out.  But now they had. Now they couldn’t say him leaving would have no profound impact on them as a person. And now, the only question they can both morbidly and fondly ask themself, as if looking back in to the eyes of that ensnared songbird, was who would be the death of the other first. 

[casscutting]

2020 Most Anticipated Releases... So Far!

I know this week was supposed to be dedicated to TIP and Tricks but last week was a shit show for my family. Sometime in the early morning of the 20th, my mom’s sister passed away in her home then this past Saturday our only means of transportation stopped working and there’s nothing we can do to get it working again. So I needed something easy to post about. So here are my 2020 most anticipated releases thus far lol. I only put thus far because I don’t know EVERY book coming out in a given year so these are the ones I know about.

*NOTE if it is a sequel I won’t give a synopsis but each book is linked to Goodreads

My number 1 most anticipated may not be coming out this year but if it is it’s The Savior's Sister by Jenna Moreci

Come Tumbling Down (Wayward Children, #5) January 7th 2020 by Seanan McGuire

The Memory of Souls (A Chorus of Dragons, #3) August 25th 2020 by Jenn Lyons

The Unspoken Name (The Serpent Gates, #1) February 11th 2020 by A. K. Larkwood

What if you knew how and when you will die?

Csorwe does — she will climb the mountain, enter the Shrine of the Unspoken, and gain the most honored title: sacrifice.

But on the day of her foretold death, a powerful mage offers her a new fate. Leave with him, and live. Turn away from her destiny and her god to become a thief, a spy, an assassin—the wizard's loyal sword. Topple an empire, and help him reclaim his seat of power.

But Csorwe will soon learn – gods remember, and if you live long enough, all debts come due.

The Shadows Between Us February 25th 2020 by Tricia Levenseller

Alessandra is tired of being overlooked, but she has a plan to gain power:

1) Woo the Shadow King. 2) Marry him. 3) Kill him and take his kingdom for herself.

No one knows the extent of the freshly crowned Shadow King’s power. Some say he can command the shadows that swirl around him to do his bidding. Others say they speak to him, whispering the thoughts of his enemies. Regardless, Alessandra knows what she deserves, and she’s going to do everything within her power to get it.

But Alessandra’s not the only one trying to kill the king. As attempts on his life are made, she finds herself trying to keep him alive long enough for him to make her his queen—all while struggling not to lose her heart. After all, who better for a Shadow King than a cunning, villainous queen?

The Gilded Ones (Deathless #1) May 26th 2020 by Namina Forna

Sixteen-year-old Deka lives in fear and anticipation of the blood ceremony that will determine whether she will become a member of her village. Already different from everyone else because of her unnatural intuition, Deka prays for red blood so she can finally feel like she belongs.

But on the day of the ceremony, her blood runs gold, the color of impurity--and Deka knows she will face a consequence worse than death.

Then a mysterious woman comes to her with a choice: stay in the village and submit to her fate, or leave to fight for the emperor in an army of girls just like her. They are called alaki--near-immortals with rare gifts. And they are the only ones who can stop the empire's greatest threat.

Knowing the dangers that lie ahead yet yearning for acceptance, Deka decides to leave the only life she's ever known. But as she journeys to the capital to train for the biggest battle of her life, she will discover that the great walled city holds many surprises. Nothing and no one are quite what they seem to be--not even Deka herself.

Scavenge the Stars (Scavenge the Stars #1)  January 7th 2020 by Tara Sim

When Amaya rescues a mysterious stranger from drowning, she fears her rash actions have earned her a longer sentence on the debtor ship where she’s been held captive for years. Instead, the man she saved offers her unimaginable riches and a new identity, setting Amaya on a perilous course through the coastal city-state of Moray, where old-world opulence and desperate gamblers collide.

Amaya wants one thing: revenge against the man who ruined her family and stole the life she once had. But the more entangled she becomes in this game of deception—and as her path intertwines with the son of the man she’s plotting to bring down—the more she uncovers about the truth of her past. And the more she realizes she must trust no one…

Where Dreams Descend (Kingdom of Cards #1) June 2nd 2020 by Janella Angeles

In a city covered in ice and ruin, a group of magicians face off in a daring game of magical feats to find the next headliner of the Conquering Circus, only to find themselves under the threat of an unseen danger striking behind the scenes.

As each act becomes more and more risky and the number of missing magicians piles up, three are forced to reckon with their secrets before the darkness comes for them next.

The Star: Kallia, a powerful showgirl out to prove she’s the best no matter the cost

The Master: Jack, the enigmatic keeper of the club, and more than one lie told

The Magician: Demarco, the brooding judge with a dark past he can no longer hide

Where Dreams Descend is the startling and romantic first book in Janella Angeles’ debut Kingdom of Cards fantasy duology where magic is both celebrated and feared, and no heart is left unscathed.

The Kingdom of Back March 3rd 2020 by Marie Lu

Two siblings. Two brilliant talents. But only one Mozart.

Born with a gift for music, Nannerl Mozart has just one wish—to be remembered forever. But even as she delights audiences with her masterful playing, she has little hope she'll ever become the acclaimed composer she longs to be. She is a young woman in 18th century Europe, and that means composing is forbidden to her. She will perform only until she reaches a marriageable age—her tyrannical father has made that much clear.

And as Nannerl's hope grows dimmer with each passing year, the talents of her beloved younger brother, Wolfgang, only seem to shine brighter. His brilliance begins to eclipse her own, until one day a mysterious stranger from a magical land appears with an irresistible offer. He has the power to make her wish come true—but his help may cost her everything.

Set Fire to the Gods (Set Fire to the Gods #1) August 4th 2020 by Sara Raasch

Ash is descended from a long line of gladiators, and she knows the brutal nature of war firsthand. But after her mother dies in an arena, she vows to avenge her by overthrowing her fire god, whose temper has stripped her country of its resources.

Madoc grew up fighting on the streets to pay his family's taxes. But he hides a dangerous secret: he doesn't have the earth god’s powers like his opponents. His elemental gift is something else—something that hasn't been seen in centuries.

When an attempted revenge plot goes dangerously wrong, Ash inadvertently throws the fire and earth gods into a conflict that can only be settled by deadly, lavish gladiator games. The fights put Madoc in Ash's path, and she realizes that his powers are the weapon her rebellion needs—but Madoc won’t jeopardize his family, regardless of how intrigued he is by the beautiful warrior.

But when the gods force Madoc’s hand, he and Ash uncover an ancient war that will threaten more than one immortal—it will unravel the world.

Goddess in the Machine (Goddess in the Machine #1) June 30th 2020 by Lora Beth Johnson

When Andra wakes up, she’s drowning.

Not only that, but she’s in a hot, dirty cave, it’s the year 3102, and everyone keeps calling her Goddess. When Andra went into a cryonic sleep for a trip across the galaxy, she expected to wake up in a hundred years, not a thousand. Worst of all, the rest of the colonists–including her family and friends–are dead. They died centuries ago, and for some reason, their descendants think Andra’s a deity. She knows she’s nothing special, but she’ll play along if it means she can figure out why she was left in stasis and how to get back to Earth.

Zhade, the exiled bastard prince of Eerensed, has other plans. Four years ago, the sleeping Goddess’s glass coffin disappeared from the palace, and Zhade devoted himself to finding it. Now he’s hoping the Goddess will be the key to taking his rightful place on the throne–if he can get her to play her part, that is. Because if his people realize she doesn’t actually have the power to save their dying planet, they’ll kill her.

With a vicious monarch on the throne and a city tearing apart at the seams, Zhade and Andra might never be able to unlock the mystery of her fate, let alone find a way to unseat the king, especially since Zhade hasn’t exactly been forthcoming with Andra. And a thousand years from home, is there any way of knowing that Earth is better than the planet she’s woken to?

Incendiary (Hollow Crown #1) April 28th 2020 by Zoraida Córdova

Renata Convida was only a child when she was kidnapped by the King's Justice and brought to the luxurious palace of Andalucia. As a Robari, the rarest and most feared of the magical Moria, Renata's ability to steal memories from royal enemies enabled the King's Wrath, a siege that resulted in the deaths of thousands of her own people.

Now Renata is one of the Whispers, rebel spies working against the crown and helping the remaining Moria escape the kingdom bent on their destruction. The Whispers may have rescued Renata from the palace years ago, but she cannot escape their mistrust and hatred--or the overpowering memories of the hundreds of souls she turned "hollow" during her time in the palace.

When Dez, the commander of her unit, is taken captive by the notorious Sangrado Prince, Renata will do anything to save the boy whose love makes her place among the Whispers bearable. But a disastrous rescue attempt means Renata must return to the palace under cover and complete Dez's top secret mission. Can Renata convince her former captors that she remains loyal, even as she burns for vengeance against the brutal, enigmatic prince? Her life and the fate of the Moria depend on it.

But returning to the palace stirs childhood memories long locked away. As Renata grows more deeply embedded in the politics of the royal court, she uncovers a secret in her past that could change the entire fate of the kingdom--and end the war that has cost her everything.

Red Hood February 25th 2020 by Elana K. Arnold

You are alone in the woods, seen only by the unblinking yellow moon. Your hands are empty. You are nearly naked.

And the wolf is angry.

Since her grandmother became her caretaker when she was four years old, Bisou Martel has lived a quiet life in a little house in Seattle. She’s kept mostly to herself. She’s been good. But then comes the night of homecoming, when she finds herself running for her life over roots and between trees, a fury of claws and teeth behind her. A wolf attacks. Bisou fights back. A new moon rises. And with it, questions. About the blood in Bisou’s past and on her hands as she stumbles home. About broken boys and vicious wolves. About girls lost in the woods—frightened, but not alone.

A Song of Wraiths and Ruin (A Song of Wraiths and Ruin #1) June 2nd 2020 by Roseanne A. Brown

The first in an immersive fantasy duology inspired by West African folklore in which a grieving crown princess and a desperate refugee find themselves on a collision course to murder each other despite their growing attraction—from debut author Roseanne A. Brown. Perfect for fans of Tomi Adeyemi, Renée Ahdieh, and Sabaa Tahir.

For Malik, the Solstasia festival is a chance to escape his war-stricken home and start a new life with his sisters in the prosperous desert city of Ziran. But when a vengeful spirit abducts Malik’s younger sister, Nadia, as payment into the city, Malik strikes a fatal deal—kill Karina, Crown Princess of Ziran, for Nadia’s freedom.

But Karina has deadly aspirations of her own. Her mother, the Sultana, has been assassinated; her court threatens mutiny; and Solstasia looms like a knife over her neck. Grief-stricken, Karina decides to resurrect her mother through ancient magic . . . requiring the beating heart of a king. And she knows just how to obtain one: by offering her hand in marriage to the victor of the Solstasia competition.

When Malik rigs his way into the contest, they are set on a heart-pounding course to destroy each other. But as attraction flares between them and ancient evils stir, will they be able to see their tasks to the death?

The Queen's Assassin (Queen's Secret #1) February 4th 2020 by Melissa de la Cruz

Caledon Holt is the Kingdom of Renovia's deadliest weapon. No one alive can best him in brawn or brains, which is why he's the Guild's most dangerous member and the Queen's one and only assassin. He's also bound to the Queen by an impossible vow--to find the missing Deian Scrolls, the fount of all magical history and knowledge, stolen years ago by a nefarious sect called the Aphrasians.

Shadow has been training all her life to follow in the footsteps of her mother and aunts--to become skilled enough to join the ranks of the Guild. Though magic has been forbidden since the Aphrasian uprising, Shadow has been learning to control her powers in secret, hoping that one day she'll become an assassin as feared and revered as Caledon Holt.

When a surprise attack brings Shadow and Cal together, they're forced to team up as assassin and apprentice to hunt down a new sinister threat to Renovia. But as Cal and Shadow grow closer, they'll uncover a shocking web of lies and secrets that may destroy everything they hold dear. With war on the horizon and true love at risk, they'll stop at nothing to protect each other and their kingdom in this stunning first novel in the Queen's Secret series.

Witches of Ash and Ruin March 3rd 2020 by E. Latimer

Seventeen-year-old Dayna Walsh is struggling to cope with her somatic OCD; the aftermath of being outed as bisexual in her conservative Irish town; and the return of her long-absent mother, who barely seems like a parent. But all that really matters to her is ascending and finally, finally becoming a full witch-plans that are complicated when another coven, rumored to have a sordid history with black magic, arrives in town with premonitions of death. Dayna immediately finds herself at odds with the bewitchingly frustrating Meiner King, the granddaughter of their coven leader.

And then a witch turns up murdered at a local sacred site, along with the blood symbol of the Butcher of Manchester-an infamous serial killer whose trail has long gone cold. The killer's motives are enmeshed in a complex web of witches and gods, and Dayna and Meiner soon find themselves at the center of it all. If they don't stop the Butcher, one of them will be next.

With razor-sharp prose and achingly real characters, E. Latimer crafts a sweeping, mesmerizing story of dark magic and brutal mythology set against a backdrop of contemporary Ireland that's impossible to put down.

All These Monsters (Monsters #1) July 7th 2020 by Amy Tintera

Seventeen-year-old Clara is ready to fight back. Fight back against her abusive father, fight back against the only life she’s ever known, and most of all, fight back against scrabs, the earth-dwelling monsters that are currently ravaging the world. So when an opportunity arises for Clara to join an international monster-fighting squad, she jumps at the chance.

When Clara starts training with her teammates, however, she realizes what fighting monsters really means: sore muscles, exhaustion, and worst of all, death. Scrabs are unpredictable, violent, and terrifying. But as Clara gains confidence in her battle skills, she starts to realize scrabs might not be the biggest evil. The true monsters are the ones you least expect.

Ghost Wood Song July 21st 2020 by Erica Waters

If I could have a fiddle made of Daddy’s bones, I’d play it. I’d learn all the secrets he kept.

Shady Grove inherited her father’s ability to call ghosts from the grave with his fiddle, but she also knows the fiddle’s tunes bring nothing but trouble and darkness.

But when her brother is accused of murder, she can’t let the dead keep their secrets.

In order to clear his name, she’s going to have to make those ghosts sing.

Family secrets, a gorgeously resonant LGBTQ love triangle, and just the right amount of creepiness make this young adult debut a haunting and hopeful story about facing everything that haunts us in the dark.

Cemetery Boys June 9th 2020 by Aiden Thomas

Yadriel has summoned a ghost, and now he can’t get rid of him.

When his traditional Latinx family has problems accepting his gender, Yadriel becomes determined to prove himself a real brujo. With the help of his cousin and best friend Maritza, he performs the ritual himself, and then sets out to find the ghost of his murdered cousin and set it free.

However, the ghost he summons is actually Julian Diaz, the school’s resident bad boy, and Julian is not about to go quietly into death. He’s determined to find out what happened and tie up some loose ends before he leaves. Left with no choice, Yadriel agrees to help Julian, so that they can both get what they want. But the longer Yadriel spends with Julian, the less he wants to let him leave.

The Princess Will Save You (The Princess Will Save You #1) July 7th 2020 by Sarah Henning

A PRINCESS A STABLE BOY A QUEST

When her father dies, Princess Amarande is given an ultimatum: Marry the leader of one of the four neighboring kingdoms, or lose her crown—and possibly her life. And to force her hand, her beloved, the stable boy Luca, is kidnapped.

But Amarande was raised to be a warrior, not a sacrifice.

And nothing will stop her from saving her true love and rescuing her kingdom.

The acclaimed author of Sea Witch turns the classic damsel-in-distress tale on its head with this story of adventure, identity, and love.

House of Dragons (House of Dragons #1) May 12th 2020 by Jessica Cluess

Five royal houses will hear the call to compete in the Trial for the dragon throne. A liar, a soldier, a servant, a thief, and a murderer will answer it. Who will win? Think THREE DARK CROWNS meets THE BREAKFAST CLUB with DRAGONS.

When the Emperor dies, the five royal houses of Etrusia attend the Call, where one of their own will be selected to compete for the throne. It is always the oldest child, the one who has been preparing for years to compete in the Trial. But this year is different. This year, these five outcasts will answer the call....

THE LIAR: Emilia must hide her dark magic or be put to death.

THE SOLDIER: Lucian is a warrior who has sworn to never lift a sword again.

THE SERVANT: Vespir is a dragon trainer whose skills alone will keep her in the game.

THE THIEF: Ajax knows that nothing is free--he must take what he wants.

THE MURDERER: Hyperia was born to rule and will stop at nothing to take her throne.

Cinderella Is Dead July 7th 2020 by Kalynn Bayron

It’s 200 years after Cinderella found her prince, but the fairy tale is over. Teen girls are now required to appear at the Annual Ball, where the men of the kingdom select wives based on a girl’s display of finery. If a suitable match is not found, the girls not chosen are never heard from again.

Sixteen-year-old Sophia would much rather marry Erin, her childhood best friend, than parade in front of suitors. At the ball, Sophia makes the desperate decision to flee, and finds herself hiding in Cinderella’s mausoleum. There, she meets Constance, the last known descendant of Cinderella and her step sisters. Together they vow to bring down the king once and for all–and in the process, they learn that there’s more to Cinderella’s story than they ever knew . . .

This fresh take on a classic story will make readers question the tales they’ve been told, and root for girls to break down the constructs of the world around them.

Shielded (Shielded #1) July 21st 2020 by KayLynn Flanders

The kingdom of Hálendi is in trouble. It's losing the war at its borders, and rumors of a new, deadlier threat on the horizon have surfaced. Princess Jennesara knows her skills on the battlefield would make her an asset and wants to help, but her father has other plans.

As the second-born heir to the throne, Jenna lacks the firstborn's--her brother's--magical abilities, so the king promises her hand in marriage to the prince of neighboring Turia in exchange for resources Hálendi needs. Jenna must leave behind everything she has ever known if she is to give her people a chance at peace.

Only, on the journey to reach her betrothed and new home, the royal caravan is ambushed, and Jenna realizes the rumors were wrong--the new threat is worse than anyone imagined. Now Jenna must decide if revealing a dangerous secret is worth the cost before it's too late--for her and for her entire kingdom.

The Seventh Sun (The Age of the Seventh Sun #1) February 18th 2020 by Lani Forbes

Thrust into leadership upon the death of his emperor father, young Prince Ahkin feels completely unready for his new position. Though his royal blood controls the power of the sun, he's now responsible for the lives of all the Chicome people. And despite all Ahkin's efforts, the sun is fading--and the end of the world may be at hand.

For Mayana, the only daughter of the Chicome family whose blood controls the power of water, the old emperor's death may mean that she is next. Prince Ahkin must be married before he can ascend the throne, and Mayana is one of six noble daughters presented to him as a possible wife. Those who are not chosen will be sacrificed to the gods.

Only one girl can become Ahkin's bride. Mayana and Ahkin feel an immediate connection, but the gods themselves may be against them. Both recognize that the ancient rites of blood that keep the gods appeased may be harming the Chicome more than they help. As a bloodred comet and the fading sun bring a growing sense of dread, only two young people may hope to change their world.

Rich in imagination and romance, and based on the legends and history of the Aztec and Maya people, The Seventh Sun brings to vivid life a world on the edge of apocalyptic disaster.

Of Silver and Shadow May 26th 2020 by Jennifer Gruenke

Ren Kolins is a silver wielder—a dangerous thing to be in the kingdom of Erdis, where magic has been outlawed for a century. Ren is just trying to survive, sticking to a life of petty thievery, card games, and pit fighting to get by. But when a wealthy rebel leader discovers her secret, he offers her a fortune to join his revolution. The caveat: she won’t see a single coin until they overthrow the King.

Behind the castle walls, a brutal group of warriors known as the King’s Children is engaged in a competition: the first to find the rebel leader will be made King’s Fang, the right hand of the King of Erdis. And Adley Farre is hunting down the rebels one by one, torturing her way to Ren and the rebel leader, and the coveted King’s Fang title.

But time is running out for all of them, including the youngest Prince of Erdis, who finds himself pulled into the rebellion. Political tensions have reached a boiling point, and Ren and the rebels must take the throne before war breaks out.

Kingdom of the Wicked (Kingdom of the Wicked #1) September 15th 2020 by Kerri Maniscalco

Emilia and her twin sister Victoria are strega - witches who live secretly among humans, avoiding notice and persecution. One night, Victoria misses dinner service at the family's renowned Sicilian restaurant. Emilia soon finds the body of her beloved twin...desecrated beyond belief. Devastated, Emilia sets out to discover who did this, and to seek vengeance at any cost—even if it means using dark magic that’s been long forbidden.

Then Emilia meets Wrath, the outlier among the seven demon brethren, always choosing duty over pleasure. He’s been tasked by his master with investigating a series of women’s murders on the island. When Emilia and Wrath’s fates collide, it’s clear this disturbing mystery will take a bewitching turn...

The Frost Eater (The Magic Eaters Trilogy #1) January 28th 2020 by Carol Beth Anderson

A lonely princess. A flying teen. A kidnapped girl who only remembers what happens at night.

Seventeen-year-old Princess Nora is a frost eater who creates magical ice. Her royal life is luxurious but stifling.

Krey West has a rare magical talent: when he eats feathers, he can fly. His one goal is to find his missing girlfriend, Zeisha. He thinks someone in power abducted her.

Krey’s daring feats of magic earn him an invitation to the palace. Craving adventure and friendship, Nora offers to help him find Zeisha. He’s desperate enough to accept—though he hates the monarchy.

The truth is more terrible than they could imagine.

Every night, Zeisha wakes in a dark room full of sleeping people, unable to remember what she did in the light. Her dreams provide violent glimpses into her forgotten days.

If Krey and Nora can’t save her, Zeisha may lose herself forever.

A Wicked Magic  July 28th 2020 by Sasha Laurens

Dan and Liss are witches. The Black Book granted them that power. Harnessing that power feels good, especially when everything in their lives makes them feel powerless.

During a spell gone wrong, Liss's boyfriend is snatched away by an evil entity and presumed dead. Dan and Liss's friendship dies that night, too. How can they practice magic after the darkness that they conjured?

Months later, Liss discovers that her boyfriend is alive, trapped underground in the grips of an ancient force. She must save him, and she needs Dan and the power of The Black Book to do so. Dan is quickly sucked back into Liss's orbit and pushes away her best friend, Alexa. But Alexa has some big secrets she's hiding and her own unique magical disaster to deal with.

When another teenager disappears, the girls know it's no coincidence. What greedy magic have they awakened? And what does it want with these teens it has stolen?

Set in the atmospheric wilds of California's northern coast, Sasha Laurens's thrilling debut novel is about the complications of friendship, how to take back power, and how to embrace the darkness that lives within us all.

Ink in the Blood (Ink in The Blood #1) February 11th 2020 by Kim Smejkal

Celia Sand and her best friend, Anya Burtoni, are inklings for the esteemed religion of Profeta. Using magic, they tattoo followers with beautiful images that represent the Divine’s will and guide the actions of the recipients. It’s considered a noble calling, but ten years into their servitude Celia and Anya know the truth: Profeta is built on lies, the tattooed orders strip away freedom, and the revered temple is actually a brutal, torturous prison.

Their opportunity to escape arrives with the Rabble Mob, a traveling theater troupe. Using their inkling abilities for performance instead of propaganda, Celia and Anya are content for the first time . . . until they realize who followed them. The Divine they never believed in is very real, very angry, and determined to use Celia, Anya, and the Rabble Mob’s now-infamous stage to spread her deceitful influence even further.

To protect their new family from the wrath of a malicious deity and the zealots who work in her name, Celia and Anya must unmask the biggest lie of all—Profeta itself.

[adtenebras]

old drabble dump for organizational purposes.

plea

Help.

It wanted so sorely to bubble to the surface. It came not from the dead boy, who still haunted from within his chest and rattled his ribs like a cage, but from somewhere far more familiar, more urgent. Help. But how– who would– no, not the man who allowed him to rest here, pillowed on his thigh and curled away from what plagued him, the steady rot of his mind no one cared to notice. Not Relius.

He could only give him so much. These snatches of quietude and solace. The gentle, rhythmic hand combing through his hair, the illusion of compassion. His body. Help me, he’d say if he knew to. If he could.

eventually

The ambush would ultimately be successful; all he had to do was die. What was left of the contingent lay scattered about, his own Knights and a smattering of elite troopers, no less than twenty all told. Cowards.

The emperor, one had choked before begging again for his own life. The emperor ordered it. Something warm had begun to drip on the back of his neck. Obediently he fell to his knees, tilted forward, and collapsed, letting his breath free itself from his lungs. The pain had stopped registering. Even the betrayal felt distant, as if it’d happened to someone else. Someone who knew why.

Golden laurels set in copper hair. Brightest green, and the rarest smile of them all.

How ironic that the last of Kylo Ren’s emotions would be love.

Silence. Neither the constant thrum of machinery nor the odd, reverberating clangs that sometimes punctuated it could be heard here, and Kylo Ren found it to be at once peaceful and disconcerting. This planet was, as of yet, untouched by sentient hands, peppered only by mountains and forests and blanketed in snow by a sky that never ceased to produce it.

He’d never seen snow before. Luckily, his wonder was easily hid beneath his mask.

Twin pairs of footprints trailed behind them as he and the General walked, surveying what was to be their new home and greatest weapon. Though their presence here wasn’t required, it went unspoken that any length of time spent off the Finalizer was worth the trip, especially for Kylo Ren. He had not been raised to appreciate the confines of a ship the way Hux had. Although he’d been largely successful in scrubbing his childhood from memory, images of endless oceans and jagged peaks still resurfaced from time to time. Quiet thickets, much like…

“Ren.” The steady crunch of Hux’s boots had ceased. Kylo stopped as well, eyes lifted to a faraway summit. “I wish to make something clear.”

This was a conversation he thought they’d already had; Hux was surely about to remind him that marks were not to be left above his collar and that there would be consequences for future transgressions. Kylo turned, leveling his metal gaze at a man who had no such luxury as anonymity. Snowflakes had begun to collect on copper lashes and a flush colored the General’s pallid cheeks. “Is that so.”

Business as always, Hux looked severe. “You will not interfere with this undertaking. Starkiller will take administrative priority over your frivolous personal operations for the duration of its construction.”

“It’s not up to you,” Kylo took satisfaction in retorting. He thought he saw Hux’s lips press into a thin line.

“You will help see to its completion. And when it is completed, I expect to see you act in its best interest.” Empty threats lined the General’s words, as always. A childish eyeroll was, thankfully, hidden from sight.

Their walk resumed, two figures in a world of cool shadow and dark boughs. Perhaps Hux wouldn’t notice as Kylo subtly snapped a sprig from a low branch, tucking it into his robe.

“Of course, General. Of course.”

The General’s collarbones are like fine china, and they mark so well. All of him does; pale skin and a dusting of freckles never goes unbroken for long, for here and there is the evidence that the Knight has been here, has claimed this as territory. Lavender blooms freshly under his hands and crimson streaks betray where his teeth have been, while yellowing bands on the General’s wrists in the shape of long fingers speak of previous visits. There’s nothing that can be done but wait out the storm and collect the pieces afterwards.

“A gift, General?” Kylo Ren took the man’s jaw in his gloved hand, leant in to peer at the prisoner’s eyes through his mask with the scrutiny one affords a precious gem. Terrified but restrained, Kylo found a pliant mind upon which to practice the finer aspects of his power, and this pleased him. Whatever response Hux might’ve had went unheard. Kylo Ren’s attention on the subject grew absolute, the first stirrings of darkness pooling unseen at fingertips still lingering on the man’s jaw as the Force poured into him. The reaction was immediate: pain contorted his features and strangled groans slipped between his teeth, straining against a power he had no defense against; Kylo Ren was enthralled, navigating, sifting through information he had no use for. The man screamed, thrashing against his restraints.

“Shh, shh.”

He was getting better. Instead of a bog of panic — or through it, rather — Kylo found thought, spacecraft lining a strip of duracrete in a forest, a pretty woman, Resistance leaders gathered around a dim command table…

Leia Organa.

The subject’s eyes rolled wildly and a final, keening shriek left him before he slumped and his signature disappeared from the Force. Latently, once the initial surge of rage had abated, he realized he’d crushed the man’s jaw. He wiped blood and spittle from his glove on the man’s own shirt.

“Clean this up.” Kylo swept past the guard, out of the interrogation room, and past Hux. It took him little time to disappear entirely.

Everything is steeped in shadow. The darkness clutches at him even in sleep, warm and enveloping, reassuring that the light cannot penetrate it. He knows what to expect of dreams like this. He’ll receive a morsel, a glimpse of things that may or may not occur, the rise and fall of people and regimes and his own flickering soul. Ben Solo is dead, but the dreams of him and his obsolete future will not cease. Ghosts are the loudest sort of company.

Tonight, however, Kylo Ren sees the General. He’s on his knees, facing away with his head bowed so deeply the freckled constellations at his nape are visible just above a pressed collar. Shapes extract themselves from the shadows and Kylo’s surprised to see that they look like people, long and ragged like shreds of cloth and brandishing blades of a colorless fire that drips from their fingers. Hux doesn’t move, even as they descend upon him with quiet murmurs of approval and affection, and Kylo can’t see him, can’t approach…

Whether the figures ultimately retreat or dissipate isn’t clear, but all that’s left of General Hux when Kylo sees him again is a tidy pile ash and bone and a man standing amidst it that looks precisely like himself, victorious, with Hux’s greatcoat draped neatly over his shoulders.

Kylo Ren wakes in a cold sweat for the first time in years.

“And why do you imagine that we bring people to this place? To make them confess.”

“Another.”

“Lord Ren, th-there are no others.” The man looked ready to perish on the spot, and Kylo might’ve indulged him, had the Knight not already been responsible for creating three bodies in the span of an hour. Interrogation techniques having failed on what few Resistance prisoners their last skirmish had yielded, Kylo Ren had been given free rein to practice his arts upon them, though results were less than spectacular; the contents of a mind were scattered, further frayed by panic and pain and terribly fragile. He’d killed the first by accident, cleaving her consciousness in two with his impatience. The second succumbed to an aneurysm, and the third became a vegetable under his ministrations. Snapping his neck had been a merciful death.

He’d gleaned nothing.

Of all the techniques he’d learned, this proved most difficult– and it was infuriating. Power eddied around him, unused and frustrated. Kylo Ren needed to be a scalpel, yet he was still a bludgeon, practiced only in murder and pain. Mechanical breathing quickened with the first brush of anger. “Leave.” The officer did, and quickly, shuffling aside to make way as two stormtroopers entered to drag the final corpse from the little room.

Kylo Ren was thus left alone to eye the empty gurney at the room’s center and contemplate his own failure.