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OC again gomen ... (her name is Yuma)
#my characters#she was (shocking to no one) a side character in a plot from forever ago and while i fleshed out her bg a LOT#she never got her own actual story ? the plot she was in had a lot of characters so her and her best friend myo were like... cameos#in other character arcs rip to she having her own#basically she had light powers and had a kind of whispy clear happy look (top)#and then the big bad guy corrupted her and she got dark powers#so myo and her start to think she is sick and then big bad shows up and tells myo that if he wants to help yuma - hed help#so he manipulates the two into working for the bad guys who id like to point out! think they're the good guys#so yuma keeps having cloudy and foggy memories and nightmares and she doesnt understand whats going on with her#and she tells myo who hasnt clued in yet and he tells her shes fine and shes too nice to do what she feels guilty for#and then after its all kinda said and done and the big bad dies the corruption disappears bc he was the one causing it#and at that point myo knows the horrible things hes kind of helped yuma do and the actual things yuma has done#and he goes to rem who a lot of people avoid since rem has mind reading and memory manipulation powers#and he asks if rem can help yuma forget everything bad#and rem - who is the unfortunate right hand of the big bad who feels so much guilt for everything he has done -#asks him if its what yuma wants cause it isnt his place to change it without her consent as well#bc rem was actually the one that yuma interacted with most outside of myo#but as far as actual plots and arcs rem was more important ? common? idk ? as a focus#so despite yuma having a lot of established background and drama she never had her own ... thing#but as the dark corruption gets to her she loses the clear stream vibes and is like an oozing oil spill#and it kinda festers into her becoming like an eldritch monster type being from the grief and guilt her conscious has#while polluted by darkness sooooo#she just kinda becomes a monster in the background of the plot its fine she gets better#and that was storytime in the tags bye
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I feel genuinely sick thinking the amount of hate aimed at Liam was mostly coming from inside this fandom (not all, there is a substantial amount that was coming from the main pop community and platforms)
A sister mentions that hate as a contributing factor to the struggle she witnessed in her brother’s life…
I genuinely feel sick.
#harries ‘lovers’ zquad and louies all the bunch#all the nastiest bunch#and now harries dont give a fuck as always bc it’s who they are#lovers are tripping in their guilt because they made a mess in the past week#seriously a fucking mess and quite frankly id be feeling guilty too if i knew i had done what they did#zquad and louies feel sorry and sad because their faves are hurting#but despised Liam as a person every time he was around the boys or mentioned or whatever#sick sick sick behaviour#and i feel there’s a specific generation#of young people on the internet that were probably teenagers or pre teens during the pandemic#that grew up sort of differently in terms of how they behave online#there is zero empathy#zero on their behalf never ever#it’s like they feel entitled to say and write whatever without any consequences#because that’s what you can do on the internet#there are zero consequences for the haters#dont let me mention popBase#that woman is the scumbag of earth#this is just so inherently wrong for real
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I can't imagine being Mrs Everdeen. But I do wish to try.
Imagine standing to the side roped off from your children and being unable to do anything as your youngest is reaped. Knowing she won't make it because she's too tenderhearted and too young. You know as her name is called, that she will die. And yet you can't change it. You just gets to watch as your child is slowly marched forward to her death.
Imagine the hopelessness she feels. Having braved the few years of Katniss's first reapings alone, and now having to endure Prims reaping and all the while wishing she had her husband by her side to help her get through it. But she's done it for the past four years with Katniss, so surely this one won't be as bad? Only it's worse. Because it's Prims first reaping. The chances of it even happening are so slim. Katniss made sure of that. And yet, it is, in fact, her name being called.
And you wait in silence as your gut sinks and your eyes close, and you take a second to remember your daughter before she's gone. You regret giving birth because all it's done is lead to here. You regret it, and you feel so resentful. And some part of you thinks this isn't the way it should be. Not her. Not Prim. She doesn't have what it takes to claw and strangle her way to the top. She's dead before she's started.
Your gut lunches and your heart beats too fast. You feel sick. Until you hear your other daughter. The one who has been your family's rock. Who's your rock, is now stepping forward to take her sisters place. You release a breath and part of you unclenches. Because even if you would never speak it, even if you would never want to think it, even as you think it and feel disgusted with yourself, you know that you would rather Katniss go in.
She could do it. She's done so much. For years she's taken care of a family. Kept them fed by skill alone. She's your daughter. You should tremble at the thought of her going in, and you do. But not as much as knowing it could have been Prim.
And all you can do is sit back, watch it happen feeling more than grateful. Knowing this child has saved you in more ways than you can count and how often you've failed her. Despite failing her again and again every day she still continues to provide and protect. She still takes the role of mother when you haven't.
As your sixteen year old daughter marches forward, you get to feel safe one last time, grateful to have this decision made for you.
#katniss everdeen#primrose everdeen#mrs everdeen#reaping#hunger games#imagine having to live knowing for one guilty second you were grateful your child chose to die#prim and katniss got two different mothers#prim still got to view her as a mother#katniss just saw another person to feed#god i love them#katniss was HOPE for so many people not just peeta and the districts#she was her familys pride and joy#i think after they both lost prim mrs everdeen found it hard to look Katniss in the eye knowing Prim died doing what she taught her#she always thought it would be katniss dying from sneaking out#she never expected it to be prim because she wanted to save people like her mother#god the guilt in this family is wild#this is by no means justification for mrs everdeen as someone who has mommy issues i love that katniss and her mother always have#a strained relationship this is just to say n#mrs everdeen has a narrative too#id love to see what shes feeling as the series happens#watching peeta almost die for her#knowing your daughter not only saved you but all the districts as well#just having to be proud of her but knowing youve lost the chance to say it and step up for her#just i feel a lot about this
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when my roommates put things back in the kitchen incorrectly it makes me frustrated and angry. apparently, did you know, this is not a thing all or most humans experience ? some people don't have an intense emotional reaction to things not being stacked in the optimal way, or pans not being put back in their "usual" spot. did you know this. did you.
#personal#I'm having an online interview on autism tomorrow and so I'm researching and reflecting more#not like this is ground breaking or anything but just. it's interesting to me that this typically doesn't elicit an emotion for people.#I've been crying a lot over autism videos#I haven't had a chance to process my diagnosis yet really and there's still so much for me to learn and accept about autism#like feeling shame and guilt bcs of disability has been a huge problem for me lately. not being able to accomplish what I want to.#and seeing videos of other autistic ppl who were really attached to the idea of who they would become when they got older#or identified a lot with who they were while masking#and now have to let go of those things. and figure out who they actually are and are capable of doing without burnout.#whoof man. its a lot. i still haven't let go of who i thought id be when i grew up. to the extent that said struggle is part of my identity.#it's just. I am autistic. several medical professionals familiar with autism saw me and went 'yeah you are autistic'.#I spent so long learning how to better cope with my depression.#and it turns out some of that advice is opposite to what you need if its autistic burnout instead#which im gonna assume i just kinda had both going on at various times#i just. im not sure what to do with my life.#but i guess first i have to make my life more baseline liveable and enjoyable before i start pondering that#change is hard. basically. thats what this was about.
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banger episode today, loved all the little moments, the teasing, the action scenes. even the french child is growing on me! very excited for next week's finale but also don't want it to come just yet - idk how I'm gonna make it through a Year+ without my favorite bad bitches
#daryl immediately jumping to conclusion about carol and ash's relationship SO TRUE KING. GO OFF. loved it no notes#i also like how gentle shes being with him while he handles his grief and guilt#cause like she Knows. she Knows how that feels#and shes being so suppirtive and you can tell hes so grateful#idk i just really like they way theyre being written#sad that we only get 3 epsiodes of them together bc id love to see More of them#but im not gonna complain bc i do truly genuinely enjoy everu single episode so soo much#ive been so excited to wake up each sunday to watch my silly show#and god knows i can use every ounce of happiness i can get#so thank you sm for making it#tboc#twd#daryl dixon
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i dont think my brain can conceptualize love. or at least from the information i gather
#inspired by me experiencing another failed family event and also talking to a 16 year old#whos in a relationship right now#and i know teenage love yea#but its still a form of love#and i realized. that is always what i yearned for#and i never got it. shes living what i will never have. and never will tbh#because i dont think im able to feel love. even familial love is shakey. to me#i love you because youre my mom and you are part of me and you have took care of me and i find your presence comforting as i have always#known it. is that love? or do i feel like im obligated to love you because otherwise im ungrateful of what ive been given and i hurt someone#who has given me her life for mine in a sense. is that love?#because you also hurt me. i also feel at my worst around you. so it cant be right?#and i love you because youre my dad and im concerned for your health and i know how much you have given up for me#and id give anything to get a fraction of that for you back. is that love?#or is it an obligation. is it guilt. because i cant share my deepest secrets with you#i cant share what i enjoy or listen to. because you dont really care. you only really care about whats yours#and thats fine. but i dont know if thats “love”. or im tethered to you like guilt#and i love you because youre my brother and you were my first friend and first guide in life#but i dont know. how much of that is guilt#because of what resentment you feel towards our parents that i have to take your side lest you cast me aside too#i feel like i am loved on conditions. or did i set these myself? i dont know how much it has been pushed on me nd how much it is#self inflicted#i feel like i also love on a condition. and i dont like it#i want to feel unconditional love towards a person. i dont think i can#when love feels so much like a chore and an expectation#i cant love you i cant miss you i cant think about you#is that my fault? am i broken? is it me whos evil? is it me whos cold?#or have i just been left on my own to figure out how to be loved and how to love back#without feeling
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seems like my heart does nothing but break lately
#oh my god dont read the tags. it breaks for everyone :( but on a more personal level#for my gf whos sinking deeper into something n i cant even help bc im a wreck myself but i am so so scared to lose her#still havent even been able to book a psych appointment n i rlly dont know where to go with all these ..em*tions#Guys i rlly dont understand one thing. how come one random freak whos in ur life at some point can derail a whole person like eons later#jeopardise their whole future just by crossing some lines for funz i really dont understand this#not fair not fair at all this is evil#and becasue u got unlucky someone wanted to be disgusting u have to carry the consequences#i rly still cant even say it i still cant even write it#i dont even know how . irl the only perosn i told in some capacity#is dealing with her own trauma and i hate that jsut being understanding is not enoughlike#Wow Lmao Its just Funny How it Shapes You. & U Can Never bury it forever becuz it will always catch up to you😂😂😂😂😂😂#AND THE PAST CAN NEVER BE ERASED 😃😃😁😁😂😂😂🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔪🔪#at least my gf has been taking steps to deal with it for.3 yrs and i just never even#LOL i feel like such a coward but the sh*me and the g**lt associated with the Thing..r so overwhelming i cant even admit it#what would i even do at the psych appointment like straight up what am i gonna say Lol#hai iam here to process something i dont actually remember probably becasue i was a child but imnot sure. n id rather#kms than tell u how i know 😂. So thats also why my heart breaks. for that little girl who was a ball of shame i guess and no matter#how much i cognitively.like rationally know its not my fault the ball of shame n guilt is still there#n it swallows me every time i vaguely start 2 think about acknowledging the Th*ng#or whatever. And thats just my end of the deal but my gf has it worse genuinely bc she remembers everything n still has to see the freak#n it went on for yrs n her family doesnt know n heres the worst thing hes a beloved family member a sweet boy with struggles of his own#well i hope he walks into traffic for doing what he did to her
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Night shift or short attention span for the wip thing?
I’ll choose night shift basically Akihiko has this nightmare based on a real memory where he and Shinji got into a very heated fight that dissolved into like, chaos and angry beatings on Akihiko’s part and his nightmare is a warped version where he just keeps punching Shinji in a blind rage until there’s nothing left of him. He wakes up terrified and unsure of what’s happening and Shinji isn’t there BUT ITS OKAY HES FINE he’s just at work I think sadly unfortunately my man has to work a shitty convenience store job to make some money while trying to figure life out and he’s temporarily working night shifts so that’s why he’s gone and Aki does call him at work in the middle of the night for reassurance and asks if that incident really went down the way he remembers it (it didn’t). It’s kinda dark but has a nice ending at least
#ask#idk if ill ever like. finish and post that one hm#but what triggered this idea was like. the pain of a loved one crying and screaming over you but all you can do is sit there unfeeling#akihiko was mad at how removed shinji has become and how he just doesnt seem to care about anything anymore and its very upsetting#and aki gets really emotional and theyre fighting and hes crying and shaking but shinji isnt fighting back hes just letting it happen#hes just lying there and seeing his friend on top of him sobbing doesnt seem to affect him in any way cuz hes so emotionless#and akihiko just gets more mad at that and thats what causes him to freak out cuz why isnt shinji fighting back anymore#and then you know in the nightmare its warped with guilt and fear and ends with aki being so caught up in his reactions#that he doesnt notice how hes hurt shinji and its too late and hes killed him#cuz id say once everything settles down post canon theres a lot of lingering anxiety about everything#aki fears that he pushed too hard and drove shinji away and didnt notice his pain until it was too late#but when he calls shinji to get the real story it obviously isnt how aki remembers cuz he first off didnt kill shinji#what really happened was akihiko was sobbing and kinda just swinging haphazardly everywhere and landed some hits on shinji but not enough to#really fuck him up and it ends with him giving up and laying on top of shinji crying#shinji kinda awkwardly embraces him cuz what else can he do when he still cant feel anything but hates to see his friend upset#so the actual incident wasnt very pretty or happy but they made it out alive and are working things out now#very bittersweet very angsty shinji is so goddamn emotionally repressed i mean they both are actually#also on a lighter note shinji was just like on the phone with his bf during his shift and aki is like wait are you slacking off#and shinji is like bitch you literally called me??? and who cares id like to see these bitches try and fire me 😤#hes behind the register in a stupid uniform while horrible music plays theres like one customer there#theyre making direct eye contact the entire phone call
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I hate this. I don't want a romantic relationship or situationship or anything like that- I just want a friend I can platonically flirt with (and be flirted with) in a way that seems romantic but isn't. Give me the comfort of recognizing that I'm not ostracized and can have people interested in me just like most of my other friends without the pressure of having to reciprocate anything.
Call me a pretty boy, tell me you love me, make some flirty comment and tease me when I get embarrassed by it, hold me, hold me
#I think I'm asking for a qpr#ive got so much internalized guilt for wanting anything other than a stereotypical average relationship though#having and identity crisis#you mean well (you know who you are) but it just makes me feel guilty#i dont wanna go back to my old name and pronouns#“tomboy” doesnt fucking fit me#maybe im not a guy either i dont ficking know but being called a guy makes me so goddamn happy#i dont wanna say this tl you directly bc I'm shit with boundaries and assume the worst so i feel like youll judge me#but god#you've helped me more than anyone and maybe youre right abkut this too#but maybe id rather suffer with a “double life” than give up this part of me that makes me so damn happy#i CRIED when you called me my birth name. it physically disgusted and hurt me to hear that from you directed at me.#i know that wasnt the intent#but thats how it felt for me#im really hoping you find this (the tags not the post itself) bc i know damn well i wont voice this aloud to you#text me about it on discord instead lf here if you do though okay? i dont check my messages on here
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i think about my ex every day and it haunts me bc i never resolved it/told them all of my feelings of how i loved them but that theyre also an asshole who didnt treat me right and made me feel so insecure and stupid and i wish i could just PUT THE THOUGHTS AWAY FOR NOW
#we were only together for 8 months#but it was the longest relationship id been in#they were 40 i was 26#i drove across town usually late after working all day to see them all the time#their apartment made my allergies HORRIBLE bc of their cat but i went anyway bc i wanted to see them#but they would constantly tease me or jokingly say my pussy smells#they came to my side of down like 3 or 4 times maybe#they always walked like 8 feet in front of me which i hates#they were very negative and miserable#and would get mad at me for asking them about their work#they got mad at me for calling them babe#it felt like i always was pushing their boundaries and it was just me talking or texting them too much#sigh#i need to move on#but my thoughts are unresolved#i miss them but i put them through a lot of pain when i broke up with them and they guilted me and guilted me for months#and i dont want them back in my life after everything#wtf did this person even do for me#i didnt even feel loved by them#i got so tired of just sitting in their apartment all day watching them play video games#anyways end rant#i just wanted more from them
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wowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow
#im so glad i learned i had autism#bc...... other ppl control so much of our existence#thinking im a bad person my whole life when in actuality#i was always rejected for my sense of justice#and only accepted if i mirrored triggering behaviors#if i was doing what everyone else was doing it was fine#but if i spoke on my sense of justice i would get rejected#so id try to mirror and it always felt bad#like really bad#i was telling my mom yesterday that#her my dad brother and sister have all done things that#would keep me up at night sick with guilt for the rest of my life#and how i cant fathom how they can live their day to day lives without being burdened with extreme guilt#and she said she just doesnt think about that stuff#i feel guilty for a girl i was mean to once in 2nd grade still to this day#i know every instance in which i hurt someones feelings without a reason and i feel guilt about all of it still#it hurts me so much that id rather fight with ppl who think that behavior is okay#rather than mirror it#but i would mirror stuff sometimes bc it's like “will this make me normal?” and the answer was no#it just made me copy behaviors of bad people who dont have remorse#and that had huge negative effects on me#im glad to know that im not an evil person
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You don't understand how unhinged I feel trying to construct an ending for Bleach that I personally would enjoy while knowing Bleach does not deserve my time and also not remembering enough to actually make anything coherent. And yet here I am.
#god. no one gives a fuck abt bleaching. i am screaming into the void. y cant i put this energy into being productive#i just want there to be themes and a satisfying ending. and ending that is sad and yet happy#i just think. for me. ichigo kurosaki died on the night rukia pierced him with her zanpakto. oh fuck i cant spell. fucking strap in#i kno he didnt technically die according to the rules of the universe but i think as soon as ichigos soul left his body. that body became#a corpse. so when he goes back into it its not suitible to live in anymore and he only starts to feel that with the fullbring arc#i think when rukia jumpstarted his powers she lit the fuse of a bomb and becoming a visor allowed him to chanel his resentment#bc he does resent. ichigo is an emotional person. he felt emense guilt when his mothet died bc he felt he couldnt protect her bc he was#being raised to protect. the boy has a complex and its kinda fuckrd up and its 1000% isshins fault. so when thr opportunity comes for#ichigo to sacrifice himself for his family he does and he literally and metaphorically dies. his life from that point on is overtaken by#death. so what do we do with ichigo after everything is said and done bc he cant go back to being human he cant be a living corpse. he has#to go to the soul society. bc i like to imagine everything hes done to his soul. his twisted cosmically weird special boy soul. hes like a#bomb. its unstable and they need to teach him to control it so he doesnt tear a hole in reality and let thr hollows pour in. so its safer#if that happens in thr soul society. and rukia lil miss ice princess can teach him to do that. i would also make it weird with god stuff but#i never read the blood war stuff so i dont kno enough abt the gods. also i would make rukia more at odds with everyone who was gonna let her#fucking die and who overlooked her bc she should b held with more reguard for her fighting. but misogyny 😒 so then what do we do with#ichigo in thr soul society? i cant stand the idea of him becoming part of the institution. i cant. i think he should be rogue. rebell. idk#train to be strong and battle agaisnt the 13 court guard squad who r clearly going to try to control him as he tries to control himself.#send my boy to therapy so he can control his reatsu? is the the word? idk. maybe he should go to that dead dog district and look for kids#with spiritual pressure. he needs to feel useful. maybe id just give him weird god powers. i am an ichigo special boy apologist#thats as far forward as i can think. ichigo has to b dead. has to learn to control his power before he can go fight. rukia can teach him#he rebells against the institution. encourages rukia to go apeshit bc fuck everyone. and then idk. he keeps trying to save ppl forever#or he dies and destroys the universe. a big ball of resentment and bad feels and secrets upon secrets upon secrets. god y am i thinking#abt this so much. ive got bullshit to deal with. anyway. idk i just like ichigo a lot and i think thr ending to bleach is th worst forever#bleach ramblings
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#if i told you i could not fall asleep on your birthday could you believe me?#that i slept in the jamaica shirt?#i have no idea if that was your gift to me or if it was for my uncle or someone else#i have your shot glass that you so haphazardly gave to me#but tbh i was such a coward i couldnt bear to touch and give out all of your gifts#it feels wrong. a reminder that I fucked things up with us#i dont even know what i want anymore or if i can get through this#i feel so alone wallowing at the current state of things#im constantly short of money and overspending like crazy#i keep thinking about the guilt of it all and the knowledge that you wouldn't be so happy hearing from me if you knew what happened#and what i continue to do#i just feel so lost after realizing i ripped apart of my soul out by leaving you#and knowing that i did something that had broken it beyond repair if i didnt go#just. hoping your year is better#and now i cant stop thinking of the ways i freely gave my love to you without thinking#how we shouldve been serious sooner and that i couldve been with you if i was better#better at controlling myself or better at admitting that i was struggling#oh my sweet...it doesnt even matter the little things like my sex drive being higher than yours#or the fomo id have about not doing things when you let me socialize and would join/invite me to things#its hard to confront giving my niece a gift from you and face the fact that the trip wouldve made me open up#i was just. too cowardly to let go of my ex.
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#how do people ever have more than one kid#i just hung out with my 2 nieces and talking to the little one more than the 10yo made me feel like i was gonna die of guilt#i love you 10yo im not trying to ignore you i swear#5yos just take up so much attention and get very annoying when u dont give em it#but ik 10yos dont really understand that. but at the same time shes used to it bc its been her life for the last 6 years#and you can tell she feels bad when she doesnt get as much attention as her sister#imagine dealing w that 24/7 for years instead of a 20 min car ride#id die
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I was going back through my old school stuff from like 1st grade and there was this like journal where we had to write like a couple sentences each day to practice writing and stuff and i had this one day where part of what I wrote was "I hate myself today because I had to change my card to yellow" (the cards were like discipline things so you started with green and if you weren't being good you had to stand up and go to the front of the class to change your card) and I don't remember what it was for but I'm sure I was just like maybe talking or something like that.
But like damn. Even just thinking about the times I had to change my cards in those classes makes me want to cry. I remember always being so upset anytime the teachers weren't happy with me and then I think about me now and how I'm always expecting people to think the worst of me or be hiding that they don't like me or always expecting the other shoe to drop even if they've been telling me I'm doing a good job because I'm bad and I need them to just tell me why and what exactly they're holding back
And I've got a review coming up at work soon with my bosses since it's almost my 6 year anniversary of working there and all I can think is oh good now they can stop telling me how great I am and how happy they are to have me there and just tell me everything I'm doing wrong because I know the compliments aren't right and they have to have been holding back what all my issues are.
And I think something in my upbringing may have kind of fucked my head up... just a little bit
#peeerrhaps i should start looking at therapists again to work on some isssssuuuueeesss....#the last one was not that helpful but she was the first person i looked at and tried and she did well enough#just didnt really get deep into anything under the surface#i literally cant take compliments. like idk if its like a youre supposed to be humble so dont let it go to your head thats turned into#dont internalize any praise ever but if anyone ever complains about you then its real and you should internalize it times a thousand#or maybe its just a i kinda hate myself and dont feel like i deserve good things or anything ever#i think some of it is im ashamed about my stupid inability to get to work on time. like if i force it and work myself up#maybe i can be on time like a few days in a row#but the momentum drops so fucking fast and then im back to well im here before we open even if i was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago#but also like i get there before stuff is going on and like its not that late and i havent mentioned the issue because#i feel like if i did theyd say oh well then just get here at the later time youve been arriving close to its fine#but then stupid brain will go okay so this is the new time which means that im going to shift to arriving even later#so i just have to keep relying on the shame and guilt and panic to get me there in the mornings#which is not fun#i just hope the review goes well other than my bad time management#i feel like it will... hopefully. theyve talked about possibly 'promoting me' which would be me doing the same stuff ive been doing#basically but then id just have the title (and pay 🤞) to go along with that#i dont want to get my hopes up but we'll see what happens#im going to like try super hard to get to work on time until the review though and like after but still#come on clarissa do a good job
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#crush blogging day 49#today has been all about grappling with my inability to motivate myself to do anything#and the guilt i feel for leaving my cherished dragon plushie at fire boys house#its so silly hell be like 'dragon told me this' and i have to hold myself back from announcing 'he would not fucking say that'#youve characterized my boy so incorrectly you dont even know#blorbo from my plushie collection :(( look how theyve massacred my boy#anyway at this point im trying to understand the rhyme and reason behind the desire i feel towards him#by that i mean trying to be kind to myself when i feel sexually ir sensually attracted to him#and starting to explore more of where the shame comes from#why do i feel ashamed that i want to be close to him? why do i feel dirty for wondering about whether sex is something I'd want with him?#also: why do i feel the need to over analyze my desire to kiss him?#its literally not a big deal to want to kiss someone youve been going on dates with#but nooo ive gotta ask#do i really want to kiss him or do i just think i want to? if i really want to kiss him why didn't i the other night when he wanted to too?#(answer: if i didn't want to kiss him id probably not be up at 11 pm fantasizing about it)#(and its perfectly ok for me to not act on desires when im feeling scared or nervous; those feelings can and do coexist)#ughhhhh as soon as hes gone i want him back#as soon as ive got him and hes looking at me the way he does its like i feel so safe yet so nervous and i cant do anything#except hold him#mmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh see now i wish he were here so i could actually kiss him#but when he was here and down to kiss i couldn't face my fear of intimacy! how annoying is that????? (very)#this will be remedied soon because im pretty certain next time we hang out we will kiss. we will.#silly silly Jasper#fire boy#from the couch#Spotify
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