#but physical stuff doesn't need to have the same exclusiveness for him and that's literally fine

[rythyme]

really not a fan of boston very explicitly saying "I want to be exclusive romantically but not sexually" only to be told "You're lying to yourself. I think you should be alone."

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Okay okay hear me out, male reader who has Eddie's initials (EM) tattooed on his v line or hip bone and the Hellfire Club sees it when he leans over the table to point at the board, and for the longest time they think he's got a girlfriend named Emma or something similar because of the tattoo until one day while Eddie's casually got his arm slung over reader's shoulders, reader just shyly asks for a kiss.

Hellfire freaks because "reader is cheating on his girlfriend" and only like, Lucas, Dustin, Gareth and Will connect the dots that 'EM' are Eddie's initials and Eddie is glad to show off the fact that Eddie is his boy. Meanwhile the rest of Hellfire that hasn't connected the dots are like, "......what-?"

(IM SO SORRY IF THIS IS TOO MUCH-)

I switched this up just a little. Dustin's the one sort of clueless.

Requests have resumed. You can submit yours here!

Currently writing for Eddie Munson. I write for a variety of reader inserts (male, female, gender neutral, readers of color too).

The more details you had to your request, the better it is for me. EX: “What about some fluff for Eddie after he’s had a long day?”

Feel free to look through my masterlist here!

Eddie Munson x Male Reader. 

______________________

Dustin notices it first. Not that he really wants to notice it. It's just you and him happen to have the same physical education block. Changing is an unfortunate side effect of the course and in the midst of it, Dustin spots the lines that could nearly be faded into your skin, mistaken as dye or lint that's clinging to your body all of out accident. But if it weren't for the fact that Dustin had to approach you--desperately needing to borrow some deodorant, he would've known it was there.

"Hey, this is embarassing," Dustin starts from behind you.

You turn to him, pulling the t-shirt you'd been wearing when you got to school down over your head. "What's embarrassing, Henderson?" You don't really move to finish pulling your arms through the holes just yet.

"Do you have spare deodorant? Totally spaced when Mom asked me earlier this week."

YOu nod. "But, uh, no need to give the stick back." And it's in the turn, that Dustin nods, ducking his head for a moment in shame that he catches the black on your skin.

It's tiny and in cursive. Dustin nearly doesn't catch what the letter are, e.m. Before Dustin can fully form the thought to ask you who is e.m. he's catching the white and red container as it arches in the air. Dustin's not fond Old Spice, but it'll do. It's new too. He notices when he pulls the top off.

"Thanks," he calls over his shoulder, heading back to the locker his stuff is in.

Dustin is sure it wouldn't even come back up. That is until one day at the end of Hellfire, Dustin hangs back needing to catch a ride with Eddie back home. You help clean up and when you stretch up to get one of the Hellfire boxes up onto the shelf in the drama room--a box that Eddie always kept tucked away for safety and he had him by two inches so you'd been given the responsiblilty--Dustin notices the faint letters again.

That night, Dustin radios to the party. "Code red, we have a code red."

He repeats the code. When the line fills with static for more than a minute. "I repeat, we have a code red."

"The world literally better be ending again," Lucas huffs into the receiver.

Mike answers just a moment later, "I agree. What's going on Dustin?"

"Who do we know with the initials E.M?" Dustin asks.

"Why?" Lucas returns.

"Just focus, Lucas. Who do we know with those initials?"

"Eddie?" Mike offers. "His last name is Munson."

"Can't be him," Dustin scoffs. "What's Elizabeth's last name? The one with the braces? She asked me to to tutor her one year in middle school."

"McCall," Lucas answers.

"Hmm, not his type," Dustin deduces. You didn't seem to go exclusively for nerdy but Dustin figures you'd go for someone cooler. The spend half an hour going through everyone they know. Only a few make the list: Emma Marshall--a senior, like you, was more punk, asked everyone to call her Em; Evelyn Malcom, a junior who you had geography with, she didn't really have a distinct clique but she was nice enough; and Esther MacDonald, a senior who always had a spot in the school play.

"We should watch their movements," Dustin commands. It would be the only way to figure out who you were dating.

"You still haven't told us why?" Mike counters. "Why do we care?"

"They're initials are E.M." Dustin launches into the explanation about the tattoo--he thinks what's what it is. Though it's faint.

"E.M. could literally be anyone. Who's to say it isn't a relative who like died or something?"

Dustin ponders it for a moment but dismisses it on the face that you never talked about anyone in your family dying. Perhaps there were things that people just didn't talk about. Dustin knows he doesn't talk about his dad much. But still--it would have to be someone important. Who would be more important than a girlfriend?

But the guy ultimately cave and agree to help Dustin keep tabs on you. The Monday they return to school each of them as their person--Dustin has Emma, Lucas has Evelyn, Mike has Esther.

The only thing that Dustin notices on Monday is that when Emma hands over notes. You give a quick smile, saluting her as you return to your desk. You never look at her again in class. Before getting into the cafeteria Lucas reports that you walked right past Evelyn with a glance. Mike has nothing on you and Esther, but his hopes aren't high.

"Are we missing something obvious?" Dustin ponders. He just briefly catches the smirks on Lucas and Mike's face. He watches their eyeline and turns to the cafeteria doors. He can spot you, slipping into your seat next to Eddie at the table but nothing out of the ordinary as Eddie gives you a side hug. He leans in and Dustin thinks he's just whispering something to you.

You laugh and shrug out of his one arm sling. You swat his chest and then the rest of the group falls into conversation.

"What?" Dustin asks. He turns back to Lucas and Mike. They shake their heads. But it's clear they're going to share.

Friday when the group falls into the drama room, Dustin's begged the entire week for Lucas and Mike to share what they know. They don't budge. Refuse to with snickers of laughter the entire time. Dustin's trailing behind them, huffy and screeching just their refusal. He's annoyed. Why wouldn't they share what they knew? Besides all the data they'd collected clearly indicated that you and none of the girls were together.

But em is etched into your hip.

"Henderson, I'm not dealing with the attitude already," Eddie huffs out, not looking up from behind the DM shield.

"Lucas and Mike are being asses," Dustin returns. He doesn't want to over explain but at the least he needs someone to understand that he's not the one being unreasonable.

"When aren't those two little shits not asses?" Eddie quips with a grin. Lucas and Mike both protest, pulling out their character sheets as they do so.

"It's not our fault Dustin is oblivious," Lucas snorts.

You step next to Eddie, arm slinging around his shoulder. "We haven't even started, save the sass for the campaign."

"It'll cost two kisses," Eddie huffs out. You snort, bending down just a little, pecking his lips twice and then his cheek once. "Insurance?" Eddie asks.

"You bet your ass," you snort.

"You! It's you!" Dustin shouts, finger wagging at Eddie. "You're e.m."

Eddie's brows furrow. "I mean, yeah, those are initials."

Dustin singles you out with his digit. His eyes are wide and a little bit of spit flies out of his mouth as he speaks. "The tattoo! It's for Eddie?"

"The tattoo?" you question.

Dustin storms over, muttering under his breath that of course it would be so obvious and of course Lucas and Mike wouldn't say anything. Dustin lifts the hem of your shirt, finger tapping on the faint ink on your hip. "E. M."

Eddie had done an attempt of a stick and poke. It was fading and the lines were dropping a little. "Oh," you laugh. "Yeah. Eddie's a fucking comedian when he's drunk."

"That shit is professional and you know it, sweets," Eddie grins up at you.

"Wait--" Gareth's voice interrupts. "Dustin, you are making a whole scene because Eddie and him are dating?"

"I had to figure out who the initials for," Dustin recounts the story of the deodorant and Jeff snorts at the conclusion. He launches himself into the retelling of Lucas and Mike brainstorming girls, collecting the data via the interactions and the inevitable conclusion. "It is not funny. It was important."

Jeff holds up his hands. "I didn't know either until right now, but I mean, Henderson, you could've asked."

"Also, Henderson, you gonna let my shirt go or what?" you ask.

"Shit, sorry," Dustin releases the cotton and steps over to his seat. "I can't believe nearly everyone else knew but me."

"Because we use our eyes," Mike returns, leaning onto the tables to close some of the distances as the sarcasm drips from his tone.

Dustin flips him off in return, mimicking his words in a higher and more nasally voice. Eddie reaches down to rub his palm over the cap on Dustin's head. "It's alright, kid. Everyone has their moments. Now, if we can, there's monsters to slay."

"Monsters," Dustin recalls. You perch yourself in a seat behind Eddie, occasionally voicing NPC's and rolling for them. You took a step back once you started dating Eddie knowing that it might be unfair even though Eddie was strict to not talk campaign stuff to you.

You can't help but shake your head when you glance over to Dustin--he's already shouting about the room shaking due to an earthquake his seemingly deep need to figure out the person solved. At least he's a kid that cares, in the end--as deeply and thoroughly as he did.

[bitletsanddrabbles]

Do You Like How I Write YOUR Character?

I really want to be working on…well, anything, really…but my brain has decided we're going to think about anything except writing, so I'm going to try and appease it in hopes of at least getting a couple of sentences on…anything. Preferably the Fan Novel, but I will take literally anything!

So.

One of the biggest bugbears of my writing is that in order to know how I'm doing, I need to rely on people's comments, and while that works wonderfully for some things, it doesn't always tell me how I'm doing with characterization. Getting the characters as close to canon as physically possible and writing them in a manner that appeals to their fans, whether I personally like them or not, is very important to me, and it's not easy to do, especially when I'm writing from the PoV of a character who doesn't like them.

For example - I personally like Carson and the Batses, but I write almost exclusively from Thomas's point of view, and let's be honest: Thomas has issues there. So while I'm generally writing those characters at perhaps their most human, I'm not writing them at their best. Does this come across as an honest portrayal of canon relationships or as authorial bias? It's really hard to tell.

For starters, I don't know how many other fans of these characters are even reading, because so many Thomas fans openly hate them and will cheerfully bash the hell out of them in their fiction! That's a turn off. I don't care how many people want to lecture me about how 'everyone does stuff like that' and 'it's not disrespectful as long as you announce you're doing it' (which most people don't) and how 'it's just our interpretation of canon', I have straight up set otherwise lovely stories down and walked away because of character bastardization. I tend to shy away particularly from Anna/Bates (and since the second movie Thomas/Richard) fanfiction because of it, and I know I'm not alone in that. That automatically means I'm not reaching people who are technically part of my intended audience 'cause other people have been disrespectful and nasty (and that there are Anna/Bates/Carson fans who aren't reaching me for the same reason).

It also increases the likelihood that people I am reaching aren't reading the story as intended, because they see me as a 'Thomas fan' and therefore read all of the Carson/Bates parts in the worst possible light. I could write them being nothing but reasonable and people would assume they're supposed to be read as out of line. I know for fact that other Thomas fans who don't like Carson and the Batses read it that way, because they leave comments that make it clear that they're reading it that way! But are the actual Carson and Bates fans reading it that way? Are they reading at all? I don't know.

One of my biggest regrets with the Downton Court Christmas Special is that no one seems to have noticed that the account of 'the gag gift' changes depending on who's PoV we're in. I really was quite careful with that.

Ironically the character I do know about is Jimmy. Why is this ironic? Because he's one of the few Downton residents I dislike. It's not that he's a terrible, drunken rapist who kicks puppies and eats babies on toast for breakfast. He's not like that at all! He's a basically good insecure, overly sexed twenty something raised in a homophobic society that says that men his age should be trying to get it on with any person his class or lower who is moderately attractive, has breasts and a pulse! There's nothing inherently wrong with it, it just happens to clash with my personality and leave me wanting to bonk him over the head with a two-by-four. Repeatedly. That's all. And it's certainly doesn't reflect poorly on his fans that they can love him despite the inherit flaws of being him. The boy's well written, well acted, and deserves fans! And those fans deserve my respect and having me try to write him as true to character as I can when I write him. So I do, and those fans read and tell me that I've done a good job, and boy howdy are those some of the best comments I get! Ever! Nothing says 'you've done your job and done it well and we appreciate it' as one of my friendly Jimmy loving mutuals popping by and going 'Yup! That's our boy!' Because I love you guys and I want to write things that appeal to you and that do Your Character justice, even if I want to biff him over the head.

So if you've not been reading my stuff because I'm clearly a Thomas fan and that must mean my work is full of your favorite character being bashed, please, know that I'm not that kind of writer and, if you like Thomas but generally not his fans, if you could swing by and tell me how you think I've done with your characters, well. I'd appreciate it is all.

…I would also advise maybe not reading the comments. That can get dicey.

[jimilter]

Hey nim i am having a mental breakdown here🥲TD&HK !!! This fic is making me go insane 💔 i am so freaking frustrated cuz they both think that there is nothing b/w them except lust ..both are in denial that they would want each other to be more than a fuck but i guess i feel where oc is coming from jk has never truly shown any signs of love or affection towards her and his image of being a heartless chaebol who fucks around isnot doing anything good. So oc has this image of him engraved in her mind ..This did came as a shock to me that he has feelings for HER!!!😳 I feel like this misunderstanding b/w them (like jk feeling oc will never accept him for who he is) and (oc feeling that jk could never love someone) will become the path to their tragic end 😶 guess i have to accept that this annoying but endearing couple will not have their happily ever after :) ..cuz even if they confess their feelings to each other they would still need a lot of time to build trust and endless love b/w them which i guess oc will have a hard time with considering the image of jk and jk will need that too considering the insecurity he has that she will never look at him like a lover does ☺️

hello, anon, lemme join u in your breakdown 😭

your analysis is so good and pretty much spot on!!! they're both too scared to confess bec they aren't really sure if the other person feels the same which is an absolute mess of a situation :(

his image of being a heartless chaebol who fucks around isnot doing anything good

^ yes!!! exactly! man's spent a lot of time wrecking shit up and, in fact, oc has been there to clean up after him while she was made to take him under her wing in his initial days at the company. after witnessing all that from so close, she's def gonna need reassurance of his feelings.

but also - she has seen him grow and change from really up close as well. he's still a pain in her ass, but they have been exclusive in their physical relationship and he hasn't made her regret showing him her vulnerable side, so far. so he does have some brownie points in his bags - but if he withdraws from her now, they will probably all be moot :(

cuz even if they confess their feelings to each other they would still need a lot of time to build trust and endless love b/w them

^ yes, they absolutely will! they will need to communicate w each other honestly and openly and give each other a true chance if they really want to build a stable future together.

oc has never had a lot of ppl in her life - while jk is the literal opposite, w entirely too many ppl in his life. that fact also makes their dynamic a lil wonky, i guess :( he's a people person, and tho she isn't an introvert herself, trusting and opening up to people doesn't come as easy to her. yet, she has grown to trust him more in their time spent together, so maybe it'll be for good?

hehe, you'll have to wait and see what happens. there is sure to be a hell lot of angst bec there's a lot to unpack between them - but i won't go as far as to say that they cannot have a happy ending. they need to work on stuff and then we'll see how it turns out for them!

thank you so much for reading this series and sending me your honest opinions and theories, dearest reader! love you loads. 🥺❤❤❤

[pinkplantmakesstuff]

[Sat opposite me is none other then The Commander himself. We are in my office; surrounded by stacks of notebooks and stationary, this is no battlefield and it's clear The Commander is currently out of his depth.

I will admit I was shocked when he agreed to an interview; the Commander is infamously secretive about his private life and personal affairs, and there are terrible rumours about his foul temper and monstrous appearance. Sat opposite me however, is a young, world-weary man]

Exclusive interview continues under the Read More...

Let's start with some introductory questions, can you introduce yourself?

[There's a pause before he finally speaks, he's surprisingly soft spoken.] My name's Alec. [He looks at me, and I have to prompt him for more] Oh I see. Uh people refer to me as the Commander, but I'm, not really? I don't, well I don't belong to the Pact anymore? But apparently the title stuck. And I just, end up helpin' with stuff still. [He shifts uncomfortably, and I need to know what brought him to my office today, why he's changed his mind before I continue with the more personal questions.]

So, Commander, what's changed? Why an interview now? After refusing to talk to any journalists for so long, what caused this change of heart?

[There's a another long pause.] Well, I mean...a couple of people told me it might be...good for appearances, to you know talk to one of you people, instead of just... lettin' everyone make stuff up about me all the time. [I assume he means the rumours that make up most of his public perception - like the idea his mouth is full of flesh-tearing fangs- which I can now confirm to be false. He may have pointed fangs but they are small, and he seems more interested in gnawing at his own lip.] Oh, uh and you can just call me Alec I guess.

Well thank you for choosing to speak to me Comman-Alec, now lets move onto the more personal stuff; what is your gender identity, orientation and relationship status?

[This seems to catch him off guard.] That, that is kind of, personal. [He grimaces and draws his arm tightly across his chest. "You said you didn't want people to make stuff up about you anymore, why don't you tell people so they know the real you."] I, well, ok. [He gives a defeated sigh but it seems I've swayed him around for now at least] Uh I'm a guy and I like other men. And, uh, there, might be someone. He's...[Alec mulls over his words for a minute, the "fearsome" fangs nibbling at his own mouth again] well he's like, there's a connection? It's hard to explain. ["You've just disappointed many potential suitors I suspect!" At this he lets out a surprised laugh, as if he can't believe what I said. "Is this potential someone your fearsome companion you've been rumoured to be spotted with? With fangs and horns even greater then your own?" At this he frowns, folding his arm in again.] He's not fearsome he's just, well he's great. [I've clearly struck a nerve so I choose to move on.]

Where and when were you born?

[Another one-armed shrug.] Dunno. Some small place. Don't remember it, don't care. And uh, I'm like, well I think I'm twenty? Something like that I don't know my birthday. I think it's in Winter. [At this it was mine turn to let out an incredulous laugh - which I admit was unprofessional of me. "I knew you seemed young but, only twenty? That's, you've done a lot for someone so young." There's another, lengthier pause.] S'pose so. [He doesn't comment on this further.]

Here's something you should know plenty about! What is your weapon of choice and fighting style?

[He narrows his eyes at me, and then tilts his head thoughtfully. For a moment I thought he was going to demonstrate his magical capabilities I've heard so much about but then he simply shakes his head, a if deciding against it.] Magic. People don't like it. ["Yes I've heard the rumours of your powerful necromancy, as well as the tales of you being able to transform-" He cuts me off] I fight with magic. [Again I've struck another nerve, but I don't blame him. The rumour-mill has been particularly unkind to this young man, and it's no secret how many people view darker aspects of magic unfavourably.]

Lastly, for these introduction questions, are you happy?

[We sit there in silence for several minutes, and it seems he has no answer for me. I decide to move on quickly.]

Let's move onto the people in your life! What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them?

Uh, I don't. Well my family is, well she's a baker. We grew up together. And V-my... partner? [He catches himself, clearly trying to protect keep them anonymous.] I don't have any other family I guess. But, I'd do anythin' to keep them safe. [I don't push further but it's clear the Commander's family means as much to him as the next person. Something the rumours have lead people to believe is not the case.]

Have you ever ran away from home?

Yeah. When I was a kid. My friend - the baker. We left together. it was better after that. [Alec doesn't elaborate further to begin with, before realising he's only told me part of it.] From an orphanage I mean - it's the same ol' story about kids losin' family to the Risen then being taken into care when I was a baby. We hated it. We got old enough. We ran away.

You mentioned you have a partner, this mysterious V. Would you consider marriage or having children?

[Alec's demeanour almost doesn't change, but I've not spend years in journalism and not learnt how to read people. This question has clearly flustered the young commander.] Uhh, that's, kind of personal. I don't think about stuff like that? I, well it's just nice having someone around more now. [I was about to move on before he interrupts.] But, kids are good, if, I think I'd have liked too, if things had been different.

Let's talk about some juicy gossip! Do you secretly hate one of your friend?

What? [This clearly catches him off-guard, before letting out a bitter laugh.] No. I haven't got enough of those to secretly hate one of 'em. Plenty of people have made it clear how much they hate me though. I wouldn't be surprised if more of them secretly hated me too. [Another short pause, he shifts in his seat and I catch a peek at the small wings sticking out oh his back.] I'm too tired to hate any of them, especially secretly.

I see, so which friend knows everything about you?

[Almost subconsciously he touches his horns, they are short, stubby things.] I don't think, I have- maybe the two I mentioned earlier know the most. It's hard to talk about things. ["Hmm I'd picked up on that." At this he laughs, the minor tension that had started building up eased slightly.] Yeah I'm not great at words and stuff.

The next set of questions are asked my fans! Are you literate? Have you been to school?

Fans? [He shakes his head in disbelief before leaning back in his chair, hair obscuring his face slightly.] The orphanage wasn't much for teachin'. Next question. [I resist the urge to press further.]

The eeriest prediction you made that later came true?

[He seems to spend some time thinking this one over before shaking his head.] Dunno. I guess I just assume most of the people I meet won't stick around long enough to be friends and...well I guess in a way they don't get to stick around I've....I've lost a lot of people. I guess that counts right? [He laughs slightly at this, but it isn't a happy one. Even the commander, who is oft described as cold is clearly affected by the ongoing tragedies he seeks to help stop.]

What is something you were embarrassingly late to realize?

I don't think I realised Sylvari could glow for like, ages. [He puts his hand up to his face slightly but he smiles slightly as he speaks, and it's only now I've realised he's without his infamous blind-fold. I mention this but he shrugs it off.] I still 'ave it. I just, don't want to wear it right now.

Do you have mental health or physical issues?

[He waves the stump of his missing arm, bandages still visible. Everyone's already heard about the fight against the fearsome Jungle dragon that cost him his arm, as well as the Marshall of The Pact .] Does this count? [He makes no mention of his mental health so I try to press further.] I'm fine.

What is your current main goal?

[Alec shakes his head, before shrugging again.] I'm not gonna talk about stuff like that, in case it puts people at risk, it's, well it's stuff that needs doing to help people.

Let's move onto something easy! Some choices! Drink or food?

Food. I like cooking. ["Really? The famous Commander, known and feared on the battlefield, enjoys being in a kitchen?" He smiles slightly and nods.] It's just nice y'know. I like making things a lot.

Cats or dogs?

Cats. Their senses are easier to see through and they can fit in smaller places. [Before I can ask what he means he continues.] I would like a pet one too I think.

Early bird or night owl?

I prefer getting up early, it means I have longer in the day to get stuff done.

Optimist or pessimist?

[He frowns again.] Don't know. I don't think things are ever gonna go very well. [He merely shrugs when I point out that he sounds like a pessimist.]

Sassy or sarcastic?

I wouldn't say I'm either to be honest. ["There have been reports from Queen Jenna's courts that you have been known to make the occasional sarcastic, scathing remark."] Well there are also reports I've got a huge dragon tail but that don't make it true either. [I don't point out that dry remark he made.]

You'll be pleased Alec, we are finally finishing up! Finally it's time for some "Have you evers". Lets start with have you ever been caught sneaking out?

Nope. I used to be unnoticeable, though, that's changed a...little. [He gestures to himself in what I am assuming is reference to his small wings and horns] Like I said earlier though, magic.

Broke a bone?

Nope not that either. ["Really? With your work on the field and from the battles I've heard, you've truly never broken a bone?] I guess that's just the one thing I got goin' for me I guess.

Received flowers?

I don't think so? Wait yeah maybe but they are from people I don't really know as thanks which is nice I guess- I give 'em to...my baker friend coz she likes to display them in her shop.

Ghosted someone?

[There's another pause, it seemed he'd been slowly getting used to speaking to me but this one has him quiet again.] Not....intentionally. Keepin' in contact is hard when you're constantly travelling. And writing is... not one of my greatest talents.

Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get?

Uhh to be honest I probably wouldn't realise it was a joke sometimes', and if I did and I don't get it then maybe they should have told a better joke. [He shrugs and I can't help but laugh at his honesty]

[There you have it readers, an EXCLUSIVE interview with the feared Commander himself. Nothing like the rumours who describe him as "The Beast", The Commander is just another war-weary fighter trying to do what's right.]

Thank you @the-mystic-dragon for tagging me this was so much fun to write! (Even if it took like, an hour, and I massively changed the format XD) This is written as if it's around mid to late lws3 and before PoF as well as in the au with Vasche! Vasche is @resonatingfern's wonderful character and Alec's "mysterious partner" in this. In terms of tagging, if ya wanna do one go ahead! Though I did change the format quite a bit oops XD

[aaronpullinteeth]

This post is about to get deep and personal and probably very triggering for some people so I am sorry in advance.

With all the stuff going on in the news at the moment surrounding the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard stuff, with a lot of people saying that men don't get abused and it's not abuse when it's done to a man, he just needs to "man up" I figured I could tell some of my story of abuse.

Most people already know about the abuse I suffered growing up at the hands of my dad but it's less common knowledge that I was in a pretty abusive relationship in my late teens / early 20s. I met a girl in college and we started dating after she and her boyfriend at the time broke up. We only officially dated for about 3 or 4 months. She broke it off but not properly. She used me over and over again. Kept me around as some sort of punching bag (emotionally, not physically) and safety net. She kept trying to get back with her ex and every time things would go wrong, she'd come to me to build her back up and then she'd push me away again. She then found another boyfriend and continued to do the same. Keeping me just at arm's length to drag in when she needed a pick-me-up and push away when she was done and went back to him. She would put me down constantly and belittle me over and over. More and more as time went on. Eventually telling me I wasn't "who she thought I was" when I finally worked up the courage to say no and that it's me or them. We then didn't talk for a few years.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago and she's in a long term relationship with a different guy and a mutual friend of ours states she's back in town for a couple of nights. She says she wants to see me and we exchange a few words and a coffee and I move on. Later that night, in the middle of the night, she shows up on my doorstep and asks to spend the night. The cycle starts all over only this time it's worse. She keeps telling me how she wants to be with this new guy and he makes her happy all while she's all over me. Coming to my place all the time, asking to sleep in my bed and being literally all over me. One night she decides she wants to sleep with me. We were on a night out, we get a taxi back to mine and we started to sleep together but a few min in and she decides she doesn't want to anymore so we stop. Clearly she's overcome with guilt at sleeping with me while with this other guy. Which is fair and I understood plus I'd never want to hurt her, I pretty much worshipped the ground she walked on for years.

Later it must have come out to him that this happened and then she goes and tells him that I forced myself on her. She claimed to him, after he finds out she slept with me, or at least started to, she claims she had nothing to do with it and I forced myself on her. Those that know me, know there is nothing in the world I hate more than that. I have fought all my life to help women feel safe and actively fight against that kind of thing, always have and always will and here she is, claiming that I've done that to her because she fucked up and can't own up to it. That was when the abuse finally hit me. I finally worked out that after all these years, I had been abused and used by her over and over and over. I cut ties with her there and then and have not seen or spoken to her since. Our mutual friend found out she lied about that too and she has cut ties with her too.

But the point of this story and opening up at least a little about it (never actually spoke about this full story with anyone before) is to show that while yes, victims of abuse are usually women, it's not exclusive. Men, women and anyone in-between can be abused. So let's not downplay it or write it off when someone comes out about this sort of thing just because of their gender.

Rant over. Sorry again for anything in this story some might have found hard (I even took a bunch out)

[tequiladimples]

I hope this doesn't come off as rude, but I saw that you dislike when collision is branded het cause you're not het, but no one's talking about you personally? like for me, I really like collision but I can understand the criticism in a way and that isn't an attack on you (or an attack at all lol). again hope I'm not rude but idk it seems unnecessary to get upset, it's better to take it as constructive criticism

sigh i don't think ur rude but it simply isn't constructive.

look i’ll talk abt this one more time n then i Beg we can put it to rest! (this is gna be a lot of word vomit but if i'm elaborative now i hope i won't have to talk abt this ever again)

i’m deeply insecure abt many aspects of collision. i don’t really keep that a secret. i also know some ppl don't like fantasy, some ppl don't like the kinds of dynamics i like, some ppl don't vibe with my style of writing (hell, i barely vibe with my style of writing). those things are fine. i can't control that and i don't take that personally. the reason why this is the one critique i do take personally is because it genuinely presumes wrongful, harmful things about me and my values, especially when i've made deliberate efforts to avoid writing the exact flavor of fic they're accusing me of having written. just because people don’t mean for what they say to reflect back on me, doesn’t stop it from doing so.

the thing about calling something a “het fic” is that the term brings along certain connotations which i don’t stand by at all and feel deeply uncomfortable and distraught to possibly have created. i’ve gone over this godforsaken story again and again just to be absolutely sure i didn’t actually do so. when people say “het fic” they generally don’t mean “boy meets girl and they fall in love”, they mean “super rude and mean boy meets uptight virtuous girl and makes her fall in dependence with him through manipulation and treating her like shit until she behaves how he wants.” and that is straight up not the fic i wrote. i’m not stupid. i know the dynamic i went with is widely and easily misused and there’s a lot of fiction depicting really bad, uneven, unhealthy relationships through it. i knew this going in, and i’ve tried persistently to avoid making those same mistakes. 

skipping over the fact that they’re both boys (bc duh)--harry doesn't exhibit any real manipulative power over louis. collision harry is a grumpy, fruity little nerd who happened upon a really unfortunate lot in life and managed to trick himself into believing he's evil for like half a second of the story and his resolves crumble like a danish pastry the moment he receives his first hug. he's kind of aloof and arrogant, and understandably hardened from his past, but he's not bad. he's just lost. that's the basis of his character arc. now on the other hand, louis has harry wrapped around his finger starting like chapter 4. harry’s the one who opens up emotionally first, harry’s the one desperately seeking louis’ approval and caring about his opinion, harry’s the one who makes himself vulnerable continuously throughout the entire story. the only time louis makes himself vulnerable on a comparable scale is during the smut scenes, and even then, harry is gentle and attentive and puts louis first. louis is less experienced than harry in that area, but he isn't scared or intimidated by harry, and he has full reigns of the progression and nature of their relationship as a whole. that’s kind of how it needs to go with tough x soft dynamics for the power balance to not feel uneven, and i wrote the story accordingly. if you then happen to still be so blindly determined to associate soft/small with weakness (and thereby uh, womanhood ig) that you still felt like louis had an inferior position to harry solely because he is indeed soft/small, that sounds quite frankly like a you problem.

now, the whole point of louis’ character is that he’s underestimated. sure, he’s naive and self-centered and sheltered from the real world--that’s the basis of his character arc. those things all change. but louis isn’t ever weak. like idk who apparently needs to hear this but you can be small and simultaneously not be a pushover. the two aren’t mutually exclusive. there isn’t a single time louis takes shit in this story, especially not from harry; he gives back as good as he gets every time. oh! and then he literally saves the entire universe and the execution of that whole thing was his idea alone. i tried really hard to underline how strong-willed and full of grit he is to contrast what others think of him. if you think he’s portrayed as a meek and frail damsel, you missed the point. once again, i feel like we circle back to this misconception of louis being kind of naive and physically small = louis being inferior = louis being female. just do some soul searching.

(i could also get into the fact that for a bunch of people who don’t know these boys personally (no matter how much we like to think we do), this fandom is weirdly opinionated about characterization. especially regarding sexual stuff. i know creating a version for ourselves of who we think these boys are based on things we recognize in ourselves or things we find endearing is part of the comfort with loving them. but that doesn’t really equate to actually knowing them, and besides, this is fan fiction; no one’s opting to write a biography, anyway. being experimental and explorative and putting different aspects of their personalities in different lightings is what makes fic fun. if someone’s writing harmful or one-dimensional characters, that’s one thing, and preferences is again whatever floats your boat. but the “out of character” argument feels mostly really strange to me. this is a bit of a tangent, though.)

lastly, the thing is that i will and i do take it personally if someone insinuates that a character--a gay character--that i, a lesbian, construed is a secret vessel for expressing heterosexual attraction. if someone calls louis a “self-insert”, that does reflect back on me. and to elaborate on that--i don’t particularly love to bring it up, but it's quite disheartening to pour personal PTSD experiences into a character and rly put effort into doing it right and justice and underline growth and healing, just to find out people disregard all that completely in favor of declaring that my self-projection lies in the attraction to a man--which is to say, the one thing i couldn’t possibly feel more estranged from. it's so incredibly tactless. i feel thoroughly whiny at this point but how is that not supposed to make me a little sad?

anyway. none of this is to say that you can’t dislike or critique collision. you can. sometimes ppl don’t like things. but i hope i’m clear about where i’m coming from with my discomfort now. people’s preferences and dislikes are indeed not mine to be hurt by, but these things are. this definitely got unnecessarily long and i probably look like i take myself unbearably seriously (i promise i don’t), so i’m sorry. but at least i've said everything now, and if i encounter this sort of rhetoric in the future, i have something to redirect people to. also anon, none of this is directly pointed at you, i know you mean well. take care <3