#but seriously. i’m starting to wonder if i actually have hypertension or if i was just pissed at this woman. or if she’s just incompetent

[fingertipsmp3]

I do have to wonder how much of my ‘blood pressure being high’ was just due to 1) anxiety and 2) not being able to put the fact that this doctor basically killed my friend’s sister-in-law out of my mind

[lockedstuck]

sorrow that you keep

March 2021 - Sollux Captor

“Vitals!” Dirk announces, rapping on your door with his knuckles. “C’mon, let’s get this over with so I can serve breakfast!”

When you walk out of your room, there’s already a line leading out of the treatment room. The person in front of you, a dark-skinned kid with an Angela Davis-style afro - Karkat, you think his name is - curses up a blue streak while he waits in line.

“I don’t see why I had to get a prissy fucking bastard with insomnia as my goddamn roommate. I didn’t ask for any of this fucking shit. Fucking involuntary status, fucking dumbshit Eridan, I hope this fucking hospital burns down.”

It’s too early to put up with this guy, especially with the migraine you woke up with.

“Not tryna piss you off or anything but do you think you could keep it down with your tirade?”

If looks could kill, the glare Karkat shoots you would have rendered you to a pile of smoldering ash.

“I haven’t had a cigarette in six days, it’s seven oh fuck in the morning, my roommate wakes up seventeen times a night, and I might be losing my job because my shithead brother signed me into this fucking place, so you can go straight the fuck to hell,” Karkat replies.

“Are you this obnoxious later in the day, or did they just forget to give you your ativan last night?”

“I don’t even take ativan, dumbfuck.” He squares up. Maybe if he weren’t five foot one, you’d actually be afraid. “I’ll knock you out if you keep talking, though.”

Behind you, a guy with eyes so dark that they might be violet moves to plant a hand on Karkat’s shoulder. It’s your roommate, Gamzee Makara, who appears to sleep for fifteen hours a day. Karkat surprisingly refrains from flinching or scowling. You probably wouldn’t scowl at this guy if you had the opportunity either; he’s easily six foot four, his hair curling around his ears and sticking out worse than Karkat’s.

“Now there’s no reason to get up an’ motherfucking truculent with the new guy so early in the morning.”

Karkat rolls his eyes. “Makara, if you tell me to calm down and wait for the morning miracles, I’ll kill you too.”

“There’s no need to wait, Karbro. The sunrise is a miracle in and of itself. When I looked at the ceiling in my room, I saw miracles. Everywhere.”

“They need to put you on haldol, man.”

“I don’t need no helldogs telling me what to do. I just go with the flow.”

“Of course,” Karkat says, almost fondly. “You and your motherfucking miracles.”

When it’s nearly Karkat’s turn for vitals, Dirk escorts Roxy over to the nurses’ station. She blows a kiss at Karkat, who raises his hand in half-salute. Ignacio walks out of the charting room and takes a look at her.

“Miss Lalonde, I have medication for you. This’ll help with the shakes, hypertension, and sweating.”

Roxy puts her hands on her hips and winks at him. “Again, cutiepie?”

Ignacio rolls his eyes at her and shakes his head, his mohawk moving slightly with the motion. He hands her a medication cup and a paper cup of water. She swallows her medication down fluidly, without drinking any of the water. That has to be an xbox achievement.

During breakfast, as Eridan continues to scowl and bitch about his lack of breakfast (he has ECT today), and Karkat tells him to stop being an overdramatic fuckass before he stabs him with a fork, Dr. Vandayar pulls you aside for one of his “no big deal” discussions.

Otherwise known as morning check-in.

Truth be told, you rather like Dr. V, or Krishna, which is what he told you that you could call him, even though he has a doctorate.

He got you access to sharps, your body wash, and your clothes. He means well, and aside from when he checks in every morning, he doesn’t force you to talk if you don’t want to.

“How are you doing today, Mr. Captor?” he asks.

You shrug. “I’m okay, I guess. Pretty much the same as yesterday.”

Then come the “one to tens”, as you’ve come to think of them. Krishna has his little clipboard balanced on his thigh.

“Urges to hurt other people, one to ten?”

You think of Karkat Vantas and that smug fucking look on his face.

“Two.” It’s always less than three. Maybe that’s why he starts with it.

“Urges to hurt yourself, one to ten?”

You contemplate yesterday’s DBT handout, Roxy’s outburst about self-destruction, and its many varying connotations.

“Eight,” you reply.

“Suicidal thoughts, one to ten?”

“Nine.”

“Active or passive?”

“Passive, mostly. Fleetingly active. I don’t want to live if I’m going to burden people, the usual.”

“Do you have any plans to seriously harm yourself on the unit?”

“No. Not here,” you say. “Everything I’d want to do would require me to be outside.”

“I see,” Krishna says. “Have you been seeing or hearing things that aren’t really there?”

“No.”

“What about feeling like people are out to get you, or sending you special messages?”

“No. Nothing like that. I get enough of that shit at home.”

Dr. V does not laugh at your attempt to joke about your chaotic home life.

If you were to be completely honest, you’re wondering when your medications are going to start working, or if they’re going to start working. Talking to the other patients has been a double-edged sword. So many of them have been on a million different drugs without relief.

Logically, you know that it’ll probably take whatever you’re on more than a week to cure you, but… You’re scared. You’re not in full control and it scares you. There’s a reason you slit your throat. There’s a reason you’re here.

You’re scared the melancholy will wrap itself around you like a shroud, and never relinquish its hold. You’re scared you’ll hate yourself and this life forever.

“I thank you for your honesty, Sollux,” Dr. V says, once he makes his notes. “Any uses of target behaviors that I should be aware of?”

“I cut myself with a plastic knife on Friday evening. Not deep enough to need medical attention, though.”

You scan his expression for evidence of emotion, but he has the mother of all poker faces. All he does is write your answers down in his incomprehensible shorthand,

“How did that make you feel?” he asks. “Remember, it didn’t necessarily have to make you feel anything.”

You shrug. “It helped relieve the tension in the moment, I guess.”

“But it also made me feel disappointed later on,” you go on. “Disappointed at myself. I’m such a fucking idiot for relapsing.”

Dr. V jots this down as well, and shuffles through his papers.

“I wouldn’t use that language to describe yourself. Ridding yourself of maladaptive coping mechanisms can be quite difficult, especially if they have worked for you in the past,” he says. “Nevertheless, do you think you need to be on one-to-one for a few days? So that you stop hurting yourself while you’re here?"

You shake your head vehemently. “Absolutely not. I won’t do what I did again.”

“That is reassuring to hear. I’ll refrain from filling out the paperwork that would put you on constant observation for self-injury. That said, though, there is something you also need to do to prevent that.”

You roll your eyes a little. “You want me to contract for safety, don’t you? Like, filling out one of those sheets that says I’ll grab someone else before I decide to hurt myself. Otherwise I end up on one-to-one, right?”

Dr. V nods at you, before going on. “Yes, that is the general idea. You may either fill it out with me later on in the afternoon, or with a member of the staff with whom you are more comfortable.”

“I’d rather fill it out with you, to be perfectly honest. I trust you.”

He smiles. “I am very glad to hear that, Sollux. I don’t have any further questions for the moment.”’

You get out of your conference with Krishna, and walk into the dayroom.  

Gamzee sits there, watching Good Morning America. He’s got a small smile on his face, and a faraway look in his eye, like he’s both here and not. You call his name to get his attention. It works, his dark eyes trained on you.

“You mind if I sit down?” you ask.

He shakes his head. “Naw, it’s cool. You can even change the channel if that’s somethin’ you wanna do.”

He’s built like a linebacker, all broad shoulders and muscles. He could probably snap you in half if he wanted to. You take the seat next to him and he smiles serenely at you.

“So what’s up?” he asks.

“Nothing, man. Just got outta session with Dr. V. He wanted to make sure I didn’t want to hurt myself.”

Gamzee looks thoughtful. He pulls a red paper flower out of his shorts and hands it to you.

“I folded that a couple days ago. You can have it, if you want.”

“For what?”

“For when you need to up an fuckin’ remember the miracles. Like we talked about last night.”

Last night, Gamzee harangued you at length about the Mirthful Messiahs, and the Dark Carnival, and with a practiced skill you have learned from your sibling’s rants about the NYPD following them, you tuned him out utterly. You really hope he doesn’t count you as a believer in his weird ass faith, which seems like some kind of psychotic juggalo cult.

He’s a nice guy, though. You know he’s not utterly harmless, but he seems easygoing enough. You fiddle around with and tear at a piece of paper until you have a square, which you then use to make a paper crane.

“Hey, Gamzee,” you say. He glances up at you.

“Yeah?”

You hand him the paper crane. “You know, the Japanese believe if you fold a thousand of these, you get a wish. I’m not folding a thousand cranes, but this is for you.”

“I will cherish it every day of my motherfucking life.”

You think he means it, too.

Art group is at 11. Katya herds everyone who wants to show up into the art room. So far, that’s you, Roxy, Karkat, June, Gamzee, Calliope, and Porrim. Karkat nods his head at you, and then inclines it toward the door. He wants to talk to you one-on-one. Whatever the fuck about?

He looks like he’s swallowed a lemon before he deigns to speak to you, all pursed lips and narrowed eyes. You’re tempted to ask him what the fuck’s eating him, and then he speaks.

“Listen. I want to apologize about earlier this morning,” he says. “I was in a foul fucking mood, and I need to work on not taking that shit out on other people.”

Wait, seriously? He can’t actually think you’re still upset about that; you get cursed out worse by your sibling on a daily basis, and that’s when they’re in a good mood.

“Accepted,” you reply. “Don’t worry about it, man.”

Faint relief breaks out on Karkat’s features.

Katya has all of you gather around before she constructs a box out of a weirdly shaped piece of cardboard that looks as if it’s been cut so that a small briefcase sized box could be constructed.

“These are what I like to call coping boxes. You make the box, and then you decorate it. You can put anything in here. Things that make you feel good, or that make you think, or handouts you get during other groups. Whatefur you want!”

She hands a box to each of you, after she puts out tempera and acrylic paint, colored markers, gel pens, and colored pencils.

You weren’t planning to keep any of your distress tolerance handouts in the box, but maybe you should. Gamzee’s staring at you while he paints, and that’s kind of weird, at least until you get a good look at how he’s decorating his coping box.

He’s painting halfway decent pictures of you, Roxy, Karkat, Calliope and Eridan on the front part of the box, with the word “friends”, in purple cursive.

He counts you as a friend even though the only thing you’ve really had to do with him was vaguely listen while he spouted his weird theories about the mirthful messiahs?

You have to hand it to him, though. Kid’s a real artist, probably - no, definitely - good enough to paint portraits for money over in Washington Square Park or something. Karkat gets a decent look at what Gamzee’s painting and blushes.

“Oh, come on, you didn’t have to put me on the damn box,” he says.

“But you are my best friend in the whole wide motherfucking universe,” Gamzee replies.

Karkat splutters something and looks like he’d like to object, then just sighs, and tells him to make sure he gets Karkat’s good side. 

“Hey, Gamzee!” Roxy calls.

“Yes, Roxybro?”

“Does painting that mean you’re gonna paint me like one ‘a’ your French girls one of these days?”

Gamzee gives this a good half-minute of thought.

“I ain’t up an’ got any motherfuckin’ French girls.”

Meanwhile, you focus on your tree. It looks like a lollipop with antennae, but whatever, that’s going to be as good as it gets. You ask Katya if you can get a piece of paper to paint on, she “of course”s you and hands you a piece of printer paper.

What will you paint today, Sollux Captor? More trees?

Tears spring to your eyes, and just when you think the worst is over, they start trailing down your face. Roxy recoils and apologizes to you, thinking she’s done something, and all you do is cry harder, you fuckup. You can’t do a goddamn thing right. Only things you’re good for are fixing computers and having nervous breakdowns.

Katya looks up from praising Calliope and Gamzee’s collaboration, and walks up to you.

“Hey - no, it’s okay, mew don’t have to cover your face - what’s wrong?”

She crouches so that she’s eye level with you as you sit in your chair. It somehow makes you feel even worse, like you’re some small child that can’t control their emotional outbursts. Come to think of it, you were like this as a kid, too. Tuna was the outgoing twin who made all the friends, and you were the twin who would start crying if you accidentally colored outside the lines.

“It’s alright. If you don’t want to paint, maybe you’d like to go for a walk?” she asks. You shake your head emphatically.

“I’m sorry,” you say. “It’s just that I’ve never really been good at artistic stuff. Sorry I suck so bad.”

“Art group is not about being good or bad stylistically,” Katya says. “It’s about expressing yourself. As long as you’re doing that, you’re fine. I like your tree. You and Roxy are both excellent at trees.”

Roxy, who has been sitting next to you, using highlighters to draw what looks either like a really bad tree or a neon colored mushroom cloud, gives you a small little smile.

“Wanna draw with me?” she asks.

At first, you assume she’s found some oblique way to hit on you the way she does everyone else, but then she hands you the bottle of black tempera paint and a couple of colored markers. You don’t know what she expects you to do with them. Your tree sucks way more than hers.

“If you can’t think of anything to draw, why not try making patterns?” Katya asks.

You guess you can do that. You start drawing red and blue circles on your piece of paper, clustering them closer and closer together. 

Apropos of nothing, you remember the time in undergrad where you and Ray couldn’t get back to campus in time to beat the blizzard. You and she slept overnight in your car, parked in a gas station. Outside, nothing but a vast, enveloping white, what you imagine death or infinity must look like. The whole world rendered down to the slope and curve of dunes and valleys.

If you think hard enough, you can feel the wind rocking the car, can imagine the sound of Ray’s teeth chattering, or the occasional slip of her hands as she does a tarot reading. Another one. Another one down, another one down, another one bites the dust, Queen playing through your radio speakers. She sits in the front passenger seat, one leg bent beneath her.

“You think we’re ever gonna get out of here?” she asks.

At this moment, you ask yourself that same question. It’s a little different, now.

You wish you could take your seven eighths of a computer engineering degree and come up with a way out of this, but you can’t. That’s your problem. You’re only you, and you’ve never been good at managing your emotions.

[greyias]

FIC: Smoke and Mirrors - Chapter 17

Title: Smoke and Mirrors Fandom: SWTOR Pairing: Theron Shan/f!Jedi Knight Rating: T Genre: Pre-Relationship, Slow Burn Synopsis: Something’s rotten on Carrick Station, and Theron won’t rest until he finds out what. But picking at the frayed threads of suspicion quickly unravels a conspiracy much larger than even the Republic’s top spy can handle on his own. (A mostly canon-compliant retelling of the Forged Alliances storyline, as seen through the eyes of Theron Shan.) Author’s Notes and Spoilers: See Chapter 1.

Chapter Index: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | Crossposted to AO3

As soon as he was inside the door of his apartment, Theron had the chip out of his pocket and inserted it into his datapad. The first file on it wasn’t any official SIS document at all but apparently a note, written especially for him:

So here I am, minding my own business, when this intel request comes across my desk from none other than your old buddy, Rian Darok. I pulled it, but then I asked myself, what does a SpecOps officer need with this information? From what I can tell, cracking down on cargo smuggling isn’t the highest of priorities for him and his team. I pulled a copy for you too, since you’re so interested in “oddities” right now. I don’t know what you think is going on, but you know this guy has clout right? And not just in SpecOps. Watch yourself. — JB

Theron tried not to roll his eyes as he paged to the next file on the chip. Jonas was a good man to have along on a mission, but sometimes he could get hung up on something. Apparently in this case it was the havoc that Rian Darok could cause for an unsuspecting SIS Agent. Which wouldn’t be a problem, because Theron was suspecting everything right now. Which was probably good for his survival chances in the short term, but would probably give him hypertension if he ever lived long enough to see old age.

He scanned over the pulled file, but as Jonas said it was… just odd.

"Known Smugglers: Inner Rim" was just what it said. A giant list of cargo smugglers that operated in the Inner Rim. And by giant, he meant several thousands names. It would take far too long for him to cross-reference every name by hand. He was going to need to get creative on this.

He sat down at the terminal in his apartment, and began to start typing. The programming required to cross-reference the names against what he knew about the Korriban and Tython ops was complex, and he had to be very careful to hide his trail in case it dinged anything classified. The SIS didn’t keep it’s data on the HoloNet, but it definitely had its own hooks into the system. If he needed to do a deeper search on any of the names of the list, he could do that manually, but he needed to narrow this down to something manageable, otherwise he could be chasing a dead lead for months.

The chronometer had already ticked well past midnight, and he was nearing the end of his coding efforts when his implants alerted him to a new message in his inbox. He finished his train of thought, then pulled away from the data terminal, feeling his muscles protest at the motion after being hunched into one position for so long. Scooping up his forgotten datapad, he opened up his inbox to see who had written.

To: Theron Shan From: Greyias Highwind Subject: Late Reply

I must apologize for the delayed reply. Our latest mission hit a slight snag, and I only now have had time to catch up on my correspondence. Barnaba is a very lovely travel spot, as long as you don’t mind the occasional internal spat between royal houses. Kira wants to buy a timeshare here. She says that it would be a fun vacation spot. I tried to remind her we don’t collect a salary (as you accurately pointed out), but Doc nixed the idea before I could, saying this visit gave him too much work already and doesn’t want any more gray hairs. He can be a bit vain at times but is probably right in this case.

It sounds like you have been keeping yourself busy as well, even if it was perhaps less exciting work. Did you ever find what you were looking for in all of that data? I don’t know if it helps, but in a letter about the ongoing reconstruction efforts at the temple, the Grand Master mentioned a missing Rakata artifact. I unfortunately didn’t have much time to spend in the archives during our initial reconstruction efforts, but I didn’t see any artifacts tucked under anyone’s arm while they were leaving. Perhaps it was extracted during the original raid? I must confess, if the Council was hiding a piece of Rakata technology, then they did not want it falling into the wrong hands. In my own experience it is rarely used for benevolent purposes.

If the artifact was included in the SIS’s reports, I wonder if it is mentioned there the exact nature of the device. I could enquire further with Master Satele regarding it, but I am afraid I am not very good at concealing the truth from her in matters such as these. It is probably best if I don’t attempt it unless you think it’s necessary.

I think I hear my self-appointed keeper returning. I must wrap this up before he confiscates this datapad as well. I will continue to wait to see if you discover anything considered “noteworthy”.

I have a feeling you will know exactly where to find me.

As he finished the letter, Theron couldn’t help the frown. A missing piece of Rakata tech definitely could have been among the missing items. He’d have to check into the official report, but it would take a few extra steps to keep his name from showing up on the logs since they’d closed out the investigation. Surely the Empire wouldn’t have conducted an entire raid in the heart of the Republic for just one artifact. Surely their resources would have been better directed elsewhere. The more he tried to fit the pieces of all of this together, the less this made sense. There was something else going on here, he just wasn’t connecting the right dots.

He glanced back at the data terminal, his back screaming in protest at the thought of returning to the hunched over position so soon. He began to perform a series of exercises to try and stretch out the kinks, carefully balancing the datapad so he could re-read the contents of the letter again as if it might magically answer any of the questions it raised. As he focused on the details to see if he missed anything regarding the artifact, the reason for the delay in reply started to prickle at him. The letter had definitely been written with far more reserve than the previous ones.

As he finally worked free the knot in his lower back, he pulled up the HoloNet and ran a search on news articles for the Tapani sector. He didn’t need to look far to find the buzz about a daring rescue of an entire orphanage from the nefarious plot of a rogue minor house trying to curry favor with the losing house in the Barnabas succession. They apparently took the building as a hideout concealing a hidden stash of weapons and had planted dentonite around the perimeter. All orphans had safely been pulled from the exploding building and while the article didn’t say there was going to be a statue erected in a certain Jedi’s honor, Theron half expected it to. He was already scrubbing a hand across his face by the time he got to the end. Beyond being possibly the most disgustingly cliched do-gooder he’d ever met, the woman was a giant flashing neon sign that attracted attention wherever she went. What the hell had he been thinking bringing her in on this? There was no way they were going to remain under the radar if she stopped what she was doing every five seconds to rescue kath pups and nexu kittens.

He opened up a new message, and stared at it for a few moments before he began writing out his reply:

To: Greyias Highwind From: Theron Shan Subject: Interesting

I’m sure the life of a Jedi Knight is very busy, especially one that seems to wind up on the top of the HoloNet News feed as often as you do. It’s understandable that you can’t always reply to every piece of mail you get right away. Although I do admit I was thinking I’d hear back sooner than a week. 

But your reply, even delayed, is appreciated. I hadn’t gotten far sifting through the data, but I’m going to double-check the report when I get in tomorrow to see if I can find the piece of tech you mentioned in the log. If the Council had it locked up, I doubt they were willing to share with the SIS the exact nature of the device. But hey, maybe we’ll get lucky and everyone will have been in a sharing mood. Hope springs eternal right?

Speaking of the Council, I think you’re right in that we should probably not share anything with the Grand Master right now. All I have right now are threads and suspicions, but nothing concrete. We need to figure out what’s going on before anyone’s going to take us seriously. I’m getting there, but it’s slow going. I’ve gotten some leads on Darok, but they’re just… odd. He’s started requesting intel, like on the weaponization of the Iso-5 on Tython. That makes sense. My other lead is just confusing, and I’ve got no idea what it means. I was actually working on it when your message came. If anything comes from it, I’ll let you know.

Theron stared at the blinking cursor, trying decide if he should end it there, but something was still nagging at him. Rescued orphans aside, there was nothing in the report that indicated why it took her an entire week to check her inbox, seeing as that incident had occurred almost five days ago. It was none of his damn business and he didn’t care. He really didn’t. Not beyond keeping an eye on a potentially valuable asset for his operation. Still, it felt as if he didn’t quite have control over his fingers typing out the last portion of his reply.

Now, it’s not my business or anything, but in my line of work I’m used to reading between the lines. I couldn’t help but notice you mentioning everything but exactly what delayed your reply. If I do find something, are you going to be up to joining my investigation? Or do I need to write your medic for permission first? Hopefully you managed to hide that datapad from him successfully enough so you don’t have to smuggle another one just to check your mail.

I’ve got to finish running down this other lead before I call it a night. If I find anything new, I’ll be in touch. Try not to blow yourself up rescuing another orphanage in the meantime.

[readingthediaspora-blog]

Why ‘Reading the Diaspora’? (what’s this thing all about?)

(The photo above is one I took myself at the Smithsonian Museum of African Art. It’s titled Hommage a Bessie Smith by Iba Ndiaye, a Senegalese artist. It’s one of my favorite pieces there, and I visit it often.)

I came up with the name of this “blog” at least five years ago, maybe more than that in the hopes of reading through the diaspora, i.e. read work by scholars, thinkers who are of the African diaspora and/or write about the diaspora. I came up with the name during a time when I had just formally given up on completing a graduate degree I had started but not finished. I still held out hopes, though, of completing some magical, wonderful project that would allow me to successfully reapply and complete that degree. The fact that I’m even calling this a blog (and using this platform, sorry Tumblr) indicates just how long ago that time was and how long I’ve let this space languish.

I’m writing three months into when the U.S. finally started to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously, i.e. the weeks of March 9 and 16, 2020. So much has happened with respect to race:

COVID-19 has disproportionately affected Black and Brown communities, as these communities are more likely to have pre-existing conditions, e.g. hypertension, diabetes, asthma, which make them more susceptible to having more intense symptoms and more likely to die, if they contract the disease. They’re more likely to have jobs deemed essential, e.g. they’re hospital workers, grocery store workers, janitors, postal workers, thus increasing their chance of exposure. They’re also more likely to be of lower income—because of the jobs they hold—which means increased likelihood of not owning vehicles and thus more reliant on public transportation. This last point caused me so much distress during the first three to four weeks of lockdown, because my nearly 70-years-old mother and my sister, and my 80-year-old aunt, rely on public transportation to get around. I also had an uncle who nearly died from this disease. He lives in Manhattan, and we believe he contracted it when he took the bus home after grocery shopping.

Once the public health, medical, and scientific communities released the news that Black and Brown people were dying from this disease at higher rates, states under lockdown started to protest the lockdown orders. Coincidence is not correlation is, I think, the statement you make before “Correlation is not causation,” but the coincidence was not lost on many Black people. And, in white supremacist America, to ignore this coincidence is foolish.

Fatal instances of police and white vigilante violence, á la Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, and Sandra Bland, have become prominent. Protests kicked off the week of Memorial Day when a Black man in Minneapolis, George Floyd, was murdered by a police officer while three other officers looked on and civilians begged the officer to take his knee off of Mr. Floyd’s neck. Mr. Floyd was under that cop’s knee for 8 minutes 46 seconds; he continually stated “I can’t breathe;” and as he approached death he called out for his mother, which breaks my heart every time I think of it.

George Floyd’s death was not the only death during pandemic/quarantine times. Breonna Taylor, an EMT from Louisville, Kentucky, was shot to death by police officers illegally executing a no-knock warrant. Ahmaud Arbery was followed/hunted and eventually killed by two white men (a father and son?) who said they were on the lookout for a burglar. Mr. Arbery was out for a run in his own neighborhood.

There was also the case of Christian Cooper, a Black man and avid birder from New York. He was in Central Park doing his birding thing in a part of the Park known as the Ramble. He encountered a woman, Amy Cooper, who had her dog unleashed. He asked her to leash her dog, per park regulations. I’m not sure at what point Mr. Cooper decided to start filming the interaction, but thank goodness he did. What we see on the recording is Amy Cooper trying to weaponize the police against Christian Cooper. She very clearly said she was going to call the police to tell them that an “African-American” man was “harassing” her in the park. She then calls the police, feigning hysteria and emphasizing Mr. Cooper’s Af-Am identity. If you’re reading this, you know how things played out, and that Christian Cooper is still, thankfully, alive.

As I’m writing, we’re entering the third week of Black Lives Matter protests across the nation, precipitated most immediately by the murder of George Floyd, but in response to all of the Black death that has happened over the past few months, as we all sit in lockdown as many face, including, disproportionately, Black people, face economic uncertainty in addition to mortal uncertainty. To add on top of all of this there have been more Black deaths in the wake of the protests—David McAtee for example—and the deaths of Black trans women which continue to go unnoticed outside of the trans community even amongst all of the talk about Black Lives Matter(-ing). (Another “as I’m writing note:” I’m listening to Weekend Edition Sunday, and I’m hearing the stories of Robert Fuller, a young man whose body was found hanging from a tree in Palmdale, California, and the fatal police shooting of Rayshard Brooks, a Black man shot outside of a Wendy’s in Atlanta, Georgia. Mr. Brooks was approached simply because he was sleeping in his car, and the interaction continued because he failed a sobriety test. I can only assume that Mr. Brooks was sleeping some alcohol off, and I’m amazed, but sadly not surprised, that he died at the hands of police because of it.)

All of this is a long preamble to the thing that most directly ties to this post. I started diving into some Stuart Hall books I’ve had sitting on my shelf for months. I’m currently reading a series of lectures Hall delivered at Princeton in 1994 (The Fateful Triangle: Race, Ethnicity, Nation). He’s talking about how slippery the notions of “race,” “ethnicity,” and “nation” are. I’ve only gotten through the race and part of the ethnicity lecture, but terms that have stuck with me are “sliding signifier,” “regimes of truth,” and “chains of equivalence,” which speak to how the discourses of race (and ethnicity and nation, I think, once I get through them) have shifted since the European “encounter” with populations unlike them in Asia, Africa, and the America. They also speak to how race has somehow become rooted in the “biological” (despite their being no biological basis for it) and how ethnicity and nation have somehow become rooted in the timeless “natural.” From  those biological and natural starting points, regimes of truth and chains of equivalence have been built to cement our minds in understandings of essential racial, (ethnic, and national) difference. What Hall is ultimately trying to do in unpacking these terms, I think, is highlight the ways in which the persistence of race, ethnicity, and nation speaks to an inability--for Euro-descended persons in particular--to equitably navigate difference. It’s important to note, although, I won’t dive into it now, that capitalist critique is central to the rise of these terms as signifiers of difference.

I’m struggling with/trying to work through my own understandings of race at this time, specifically what has been circulating discursively in the wake of COVID and the protests. I’ll write more as I progress on working things out in my own mind, but I wanted to get this out there first, because it’s been percolating for a while.

If there’s interest, feel free to comment below. Racist screeds (as I deem them) will be deleted.

[ETA: This blog is actually eight years ago, according to a Tumblr email I found. Go figure!]

[squirrels-and-whales]

I’m the worst at Tumblr cause I am a total retreater when I am stressed. Unless you see me in the moment you likely won’t know I’m in crisis until is mostly passed. Even great friends who would totally be there for me if I needed them. I am a total deflector too. Oh, this shit is happening in my life, but how are YOU doing?

Anyway, all that to say I’m not even good sharing in this mostly anonymous space.

But I did wake up this morning with stress hives all up and down my arms and unloaded to a good friend via text this morning when she innocently invited my family over this Saturday morning for coffee and donuts. SO I guess it does come out.

Current List of Stressors:

My Mom was in hospital for over a week. She now knows that she has pulmonary hypertension and was in heart failure. She is stabilised but I so hope that she take her health seriously. She’s got a pretty big hole in her heart that needs to be closed but they can’t do that because of the PH.

My daughter’s birth mother had another baby. This baby was born in another city and is currently with a foster family. We would happily be the foster family (this is a case which will likely go to adoption). This is what mom wants, what grandma wants etc. But when talking to CAS all we hear back is that this is a PROCESS. I want to yell back, “No, this is a CHILD” but there is nothing we can do. I am afraid that the system is going to take its merry time and the child who could be bonding/attaching to us will end up being adopted by this other family because a bond will be there. So three siblings will needlessly grow up separately.

My boss is retiring at the end of the month. Will I get her job? Will I even get an interview? Who knows?! HR where I work can be painfully slow and lack utter transparency. I covered her four month absence earlier this winter. She came back so that there could be a transition to the new Director but with the drawn out hiring process this is unlikely to happen. So either (1) I get the job but like when I was covering the absence there is no clear transition (2) I don’t get the job and I end up training my new boss (cause I’ve done the role!!). This is a two person department so either way this is going to change my work environment hugely.

House Reno. So far this hasn’t actually been too stressful as it’s not really started yet. But WHY HASN’T IT STARTED? It’s a pretty big job—basically redoing the entire main floor of our house which = $$. We have the money saved but I hate spending it. I can’t tell you how much comfort it gives me just being in the bank. Also, I am worried that they’ll find something huge (house is nearly 100 years old) and we won’t have enough money.

I have a rare genetic disorder called Loeys Dietz. Recently three friends with the syndrome have died including a 9 year old girl and a 39 year old woman who was found unconscious by her young son who also has the disorder. I am healthy. I take medications (which have just been recalled internationally and I had to travel to the children’s hospital in Toronto to get my prescription…a side stress), go for regular MRIs and ECHOs. I have had surgery to replace my aortic arch. Basically I am saying that I have done all the things I need to do to keep myself healthy. But so have these people. I don’t share a lot about this because I don’t want people to think I’m selfish for becoming a mother through adoption. I will say that my cardiologist signed off on my home study and that my husband is a wonderful parent. But still. I have all sorts of complicated emotions over the grieving of these people.

Brexit. It’s just so maddening to me that the MPs have no idea what they are doing or what Brexit looks like/actually is. So how could people have voted in a referendum? There is no way that it was a free and informed vote. I lived in Britain for five years. My husband is British. My daughter will have dual citizenship. It feels personal.

And what all of these stressors really have in common is a total and utter lack of control. I am helpless to change much of anything and so much is in a waiting game.

So, hives.

[phawareglobal]

Melanie Brown - phaware® interview 334

Pulmonary Hypertension Patient, Melanie Brown discusses her complicated road to a proper PH diagnosis, counseling to cope with not being able to get pregnant and the power of giving back to the community by participating in PH trials & studies.

My name is Melanie Brown and I live in Portland, Oregon, where I was diagnosed with primary pulmonary hypertension.

That was the spring of 2006. I believe I was 23. I was basically just starting out in life and trying to figure out the world and one day I was walking up some stairs and I got shortness of breath and my heart started to race. I felt dizzy and I had to sit down. I knew at that point something was not right. I ended up going into the emergency room, because I passed out shortly after that and that's where my whole journey started.

With that situation, I was seen by a cardiologist in the emergency room. I was out of town, and so he told me that at that point I needed to go to my local cardiologist and have them start running some more tests. I remember that when I went to my local doctor, my local cardiologist, I explained my symptoms and what was going on and I left that appointment feeling like I wasn't being taken seriously. They basically just told me that it looked like it was asthma after doing some routine testing. At that point, I knew in my heart that it was more than just asthma and they needed to do some more testing.

From there, I had another appointment and I remember sitting in this doctor's office begging and crying for more testing to be done to me. There was just no reason for this to be happening to a 23-year-old that was fairly healthy at the time. From there, they agreed to do some more testing for me and I went on for weeks to do everything from CT scans, the EKG, MRIs, blood work, had a Holter monitor put on me where they did catch an episode of me passing out. At that point, they finally took me when I felt like seriously, and they ordered a right heart catheterization to be done.

When I went in for my right heart cath, I did not know for actually a couple of days after the test, what was actually going on. My family had actually been told before me and went to the doctor's appointment with me where I was told that I had this disease and that it was severe pulmonary hypertension. That is when they told me I had two to five years to live. At that point, you just don't even know what to do. I couldn't even cry. Everything was a complete blur. I was on my way home from that diagnosis and it finally just hit me, your life just changes in an instant. I just remember that I felt like this was it.

At that point, I decided that it was time to find a new team of doctors. I didn't feel comfortable with the team that I currently had, because I had to advocate for myself and fight with them to have more tests. I ended up finding a new pulmonologists and cardiologists that were actually educated with the PH disease and I went on to have two more right heart catheterizations, where they finally determined that I had mild pulmonary hypertension and that I would respond to the oldest drug that was made for this disease. It's a calcium channel blocker.

Their findings during my right heart catheterization determined that my pressure's dropped significantly when they administered the medication and so that's the treatment that they ended up putting me on and that is the treatment that I've been on this whole time.

After I met with the new team of doctors and we finally nailed down the actual diagnosis, it no longer was, you have two to five years to live. It was now you have a long life to live, but you have to be on this oral medication for the rest of your life. It's still a very scary situation to be put into, but then you feel very fortunate that you're in that rare class of PH patients where you get to have a fairly normal life. Every day you still feel like something is wrong, something's not right. You can't do the activities that some people can do. Again, you're very fortunate that you're in this situation and then you kind of find out that life still has purpose and you still have life to live. It's not the end. You can definitely go on and try to live a full life.

I was advised to not have children, So, that was a very difficult situation to try to comprehend and to try to deal with that. After years of counseling, I've come to the realization that's never going to happen for me and that I can get that fulfillment from my sister who has children and my stepchildren that I have.

Pre-diagnosis, I met my husband. He's seven years older than me and he had two kids. I never thought this was going to be my life, but I met a guy who I fell in love with and fell in love with his children and it almost felt like it was meant to be. They're now my step-kids because we got married years later. So, I'm fulfilled with that motherhood with my stepchildren.

I continue to work through the whole diagnosis and for the years after. I work full time as an office manager for a company that I've been with for 18 years now. Definitely, I feel very blessed and very lucky. I had spoken with a lot of people with PH that don't have this diagnosis and are not this lucky. In fact, my doctor only has two patients that are in the class that I'm in and I am one of them. I mean, I wonder why it even happened to me and I wonder why it hasn't progressed and I'm not on multiple therapies. I know it was caught fairly early. I definitely had to advocate for myself and fight with the doctors to have them continue to do more tests on me because again, they only thought it was asthma at the beginning and in my heart I felt like it wasn't that. I do feel like I got a handle on it fairly quickly before it caused irreversible damage to my heart and lungs and that I feel very fortunate for that.

I do believe that the medical community could be educated a little differently on this disease. [It] just feels like the doctors that I saw at the beginning did not know anything about this disease and they weren't educated on it, which then made me have to do several more tests prior to the actual right heart catheterization.

My advice to anyone going into the doctors that feels like something is seriously wrong is to advocate for yourself, fight for yourself. Definitely ask a lot of questions and if you feel like more testing needs to be done and ask them to do more testing, it's your life you're dealing with. You are the one that has to live with the consequences to everything, so definitely advocate for yourself and fight for your life.

I am an identical twin. I have an identical twin sister who currently does not have PH. She's been tested, but has absolutely no signs of PH. I know this kind of sounds crazy, but in a way I feel like this diagnosis was kind of meant to be for me. Just recently, my family and I participated in a familial study for PH. This familial study was done out of the University of Vanderbilt. They took my whole family and sent test kits out to everybody for blood work and a few other things. Then, we had to send them back to them. We'll wait to see what the study comes out with for the community as a whole.

For me, I feel like this is important just because of the rare situation where I have an identical twin sister who doesn't have it and I do have it. I feel like we could potentially make a big difference with this disease if they can just somehow determine why it presented itself in my body and not hers.

I went from the first right heart cath being told I had severe pulmonary hypertension to the second right heart cath being told I didn't have pulmonary hypertension to then the third right heart cath, where I was told that I did have pulmonary hypertension, but it was a mild case. It was quite the roller coaster of emotion and diagnosis in basically two months span. It was incredible. It was quite the journey.

I feel like I was put here to do something in life and I feel like this has kind of in a weird way given me a purpose to help others. I feel like I'm in a good position where I can travel if I need to to do studies and I definitely want to help the PH community and hope that I can be a part of more studies and have a nice long life to just be me.

My name is Melanie Brown and I am aware that I am rare.

Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Never miss an episode with the phaware® podcast app. Follow us @phaware on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube & Linkedin Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware #ClinicalTrials @VUMChealth

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

[loud-snoring-os]

"Sometimes bad things happen to good people" This book spoke my story, every word of it. I suffered from this HUMILIATING disease from the age of 17 to the age of 43--mostly under my armpits. When I was about 25 I screwed up my courage and went to a dermatologist. He examined me, looked at me quite sadly, and said, "Sometimes bad things happen to good people. I'm sorry but this will never go away." After that I sort of just gave up hope. I didn't take care of myself. I became morbidly obese. I felt disgusting and unlovable. And then in my 30's I tried again. Another doctor. The exact same answer. My breakthrough happened two years ago at the age of 43. I fell in love with exercise and led to clean eating. I gave up sugar and bread almost completely and lost 100 pounds. And guess what--the boils healed. THEY HEALED! I didn't really make the connection, though. I just enjoyed my new life and fountain of youth and started doing what I'd dreamed of doing and had never thought possible--I wear sleeveless shirts now!! All the time!!!! Go to Amazon

MUST READ for everyone suffering with HS. Thank you Tara Grant for this! Because of you my HS literally disappeared. I found out that my trigger foods was actually Fish/Seafood!!! I never knew I was allergic to fish all my life!! I had suffered for 8 years!! Seriously, if you suffer from HS dont think that you're going to live you're life on anitbiotics and creams, make the effort to figure out what is behind your HS- it's different for everybody- and you WILL OVERCOME IT. Have faith. I highly recommend this book; if you cant afford it please go to her website!!! Go to Amazon

It is an excellent resource and backed up with science This book is a lifesaver. HS is very difficult to live with. When my daughter gives up nightshades, her HS is under control. She never would have known that if she didn't read this book. It is an excellent resource and backed up with science. It sure is helpful to know why your body is reacting to certain things. I can't say enough about how important this book is. Thanks, Tara Grant for writing it. Go to Amazon

GAME CHANGER This book has not only helped me to understand my condition and how to manage it but it has helped me to explain it to my husband who was really struggling to understand and even accept that it is autoimmune. Thank you for all of your dedication and hard work in writing this book. It has truly changed my life! Given me the confidence to kick HS in the ass! Go to Amazon

I feel wonderful and energetic This book has given me back my life. I was diagnosed with HS on a friday morning and was devastated. Went on line and found Tara's book and ordered it immediately. By SundayI started the diet and all the supplements. I went into remission and have been that way since initial outbreak in March. I feel wonderful and energetic. Everyone is commenting on how great I look. Despite eating all day long, I have lost 18 lbs., my blood pressure went from severe hypertension to normal. My skin is glowing and I am happy and peaceful. Anyone with an autoimmune condition would benefit from reading this book. Thank you Tara! Go to Amazon

I shared this with my dermatologist. She couldn't wait ... I shared this with my dermatologist. She couldn't wait to read it. I was diagnosed last year and had never even heard of the disease. This book along with the help of my Dr. helped reduce the amount and intensity of my flare-ups. I have eliminated a few foods that are triggers for me and now I can manage my flare-up rather than miss work because of the pain. Go to Amazon

A must-read for everyone! This is a must-read for anyone with HS, or the family members or friends of someone with this terrible infliction! Go to Amazon

Having just received a diagnosis of HS, this book ... Having just received a diagnosis of HS , this book was a lifesaver! It has given me hope and a plan! I am following the recommendations and see some results after 6 weeks. Thank you Go to Amazon

Take charge and gain knowledge with this book Must have for someone with HS Got here quick! I’ve learned more from this book than the last 5 years of doctors visits and the best part is it’s written by someone who truly understands ... Very Paleo/evolutionary science minded Seems like the AIP diet is not for me as it ... This isn't scientific, it is one woman's account of ... Life changing Tara Grant = My Yoda this has helped me see what i need to do ...

[secretfuneagle]

Lagos Wife Reveals NAFDAC Approved Solution That Helped Her Husband Last 25minutes in Bed, Cure Weak Erections without using V1agra!

Within about 30 seconds of having s3x with me, my husband usually ends up releasing his semen… And having a weak manhood that cannot go another round. Most of the time after such poor s3xual performance, I would simply rub his back and PRETEND like the s3x was okay. But deep within me, I knew it was not. I was only trying to console him and make feel better because his quick release issue was affecting his self esteem and confidence.

My name is Mrs. Damilola, and I know you are wondering how I ended up with a husband that cannot last more than 30 seconds in bed. It started about 2 years after our marriage. Most time when my husband returns from work, and toward evening we make love… my husband will gush out his sperm within just 20 seconds of penetrating me. It was really embarrassing to me. I kept it a secret for many months because I did not want my friends or colleague to laugh at me or make fun of me for marrying a “one minute man“. nigeria news  So I tried to cope with my husband’s quick release issue and weak erection. But it was becoming more difficult to endure it because… apart from my husband releasing within 30 seconds during s3x, I noticed later on that his small manhood was shrinking and becoming smaller in size. Seriously, at first thought there was no hope or solution to my husband problem or probably it was a spiritual attack on our marriage. Why did I say so? After my husband noticed this problem that affected our marriage, my husband started to try several drugs (both advertised online and in pharmaceutical stores)… but none of them seem to work for him. nigeria news  When he starts using them it gives a glimpse of result, but after some time the effectiveness wears off… my husband will not be able to go for 30seconds before he pours his semen all over the place. Unfortunately, after spending much money on fake drugs, sprays, herbs and concoction just to last longer… my husband and I almost finally gave up on his poor s3xual performance condition. But one day, during an expo or workshop organized by the multinational company where I and my husband work, we came in contact with a men health specialist or expert (also known as an urologist). 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After 7 days of using the capsules, we made love and instead of lasting few seconds like my husband used to do in the past, he went on to last 15minutes without releasing. nigeria news  That night, I was filled with joy to know that my husband condition has improved and he was now performing like a real man should. The natural herbal supplement is approved by NAFDAC and contains good herbs that burns poisons or toxins that kills your manpower out of your body system. Even better, it works without any side effect. My husband did not feel any slight headache when using it. It’s purely herbal and curative. 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If you are suffering from these problems of having a small manhood and quick ejaculation, then I recommend that you get these products now (Mascum and TITAN GEL) and start using it right away. Here is a breakdown of the price… Mascum Herbal pride – N15,000 TITAN pen1s enlargement GEL – N13,000 But if you are ordering for both, instead of paying the normal price, you will get a discount of N6,000 BOTH (MASCUM & TITAN GEL) – N22,000 (That is you will get a discount of N6,000… instead of paying N28,000 … So, you will pay N22,000 only for BOTH) But to Further Sweeten the Deal, When You Place Order Today, You Will Also Get a FREE BONUS Included in Your Parcel *NOT available anywhere Else Here’s how to get it: When you order for BOTH products today at N22,000… you will get your own free bonus of the herbal capsule that cures s3xually transmitted infections like staph, gonorrhea, chlamydia etc. FREE BONUS: NADI CAPSULE NADI capsule is premier tonic for anti-infection, anti-virus, anti-toxin, stable blood pressure. It’s effective for the treatment of S.T.D staphylococcus, Gonorrhea, syphilis, etc. (contains 30 capsules) NAFDAC REG NO. A7-0200L One of the main causes of premature ejaculation and weak erections is due to s3xually transmitted infections in the body system. And you need to treat them as soon as possible to completely cure your erectile dysfunction. Nadi herbal capsule contains 30capsules for complete cure of s3xually transmitted infections and to flush off toxins from your body system. So the deal is, place your order for the 2 products, today, and you get access to the extra BONUS, absolutely FREE! Without wasting time, let me show you how to order for these 2 products (Mascum and TITAN pen1s enlargement GEL) that will transform your s3xual life and make you experience much better s3x with your woman. To order for the mascum herbal pride and TITAN pen1s enlargement GEL at the discount price today, follow the instructions below… You will pay for the products only when it has been brought down to you face to face by our courier service agent. Pay on Delivery Option Available to All States in Nigeria Here’s How to Order for Your own Mascum Herbal Pride & TITAN GEL at a Discount Price today Depending on the product that you are ordering for… *If you are ordering for only “Mascum Herbal Pride”… indicate the code MASCUM in your text message… *If you are ordering for only “TITAN pen1s enlargement GEL”… indicate it “TITAN GEL” in your text message… *If you want to order for the 2 products together… text “Mascum AND TITAN GEL”… MASCUM ONLY – N15,000 TITAN GEL ONLY – N13,000 MASCUM AND TITAN GEL – N22,000 Here’s what to send to us… Text the CODE with the following information below… 1. Your Full Name 2. Your Phone Number 3. Delivery Address Send This Information as a text message to 08034920365 Please Note: Your address Must Include Local Government and State. Detailed Enough to make it traceable by our courier company that will come around to deliver to you. You will get a SMS and Call from us within 24 hours to confirm your Order Before we Parcel It Across to You. DELIVERY TIME Once we received your order, and your details are correct, you will receive an sms or call confirmation from us. Your products will then be sent to our courier service partner and the items should get to you within 2-5 Days. Note: The product will be packaged discreetly and no one else will know what’s inside, and every other information will be kept private and 100% confidential. Option 2 If you live in Lagos, or nearby, you can also walk into our marketing department office to pick up the products. You will meet our team ready to give you these products at same price… That is you Pay at our office, and get it instantly Vantagesoft Marketing Enterprises Block B, Suite 9, Primal Tek Plaza, Beside ECO centre, by Mokola Bus stop, opposite Gowon Estate Market, Egbeda-Idimu road, Egbeda, Lagos. or Suite 3B, First Floor, Shopping plaza beside NNPC Filling station, Ilo awela road, opposite Toll Gate Bus stop, ota off Lagos-Abeokuta Expressway (Monday – Saturday 9am – 5pm) Customer support line: 08034920365 That is all you have to do to place order and get your own bottles of the Titan pen1s enlargement gel and mascum herbal capsules. Remember, if you procrastinate on this, two things are bound to happen: Either the prices for the product goes up pretty soon and you pay the normal price which is times 2 or, Your s3xual performance continues to worsen because you refuse to use something that actually helps transform your life Don’t procrastinate, go ahead and get access to the 2 products and start using them to become a better lover in the bedroom. Here’s How to Order for Your own Mascum Herbal Pride & TITAN GEL at a Discount Price today Depending on the product that you are ordering for… *If you are ordering for only “Mascum Herbal Pride”… indicate the code MASCUM in your text message… *If you are ordering for only “TITAN pen1s enlargement GEL”… indicate it “TITAN GEL” in your text message… *If you want to order for the 2 products together… text “Mascum AND TITAN GEL”… MASCUM ONLY – N15,000 TITAN GEL ONLY – N13,000 MASCUM AND TITAN GEL – N22,000 Here’s what to send to us… Text the CODE with the following information below… 1. Your Full Name 2. Your Phone Number 3. Delivery Address Send This Information as a text message to 08034920365 Please Note: Your address Must Include Local Government and State. Detailed Enough to make it traceable by our courier company that will come around to deliver to you. You will get a SMS and Call from us within 24 hours to confirm your Order Before we Parcel It Across to You. DELIVERY TIME Once we received your order, and your details are correct, you will receive an sms or call confirmation from us. Your products will then be sent to our courier service partner and the items should get to you within 2-5 Days. Note: The product will be packaged discreetly and no one else will know what’s inside, and every other information will be kept private and 100% confidential. Here’s full details of how to order now and Get the Mascum & TITAN GEL within a few days at your doorstep Right now, all you need to do is get access to the 2 products; and start using it to get a much bigger manhood and cure your premature ejaculation within the shortest time you ever thought possible. You have the opportunity to get these 2 products now at a much affordable price and save yourself from embarrassment and frustration that you are suffering in the bedroom. Over 2,300 Nigerian men have used these 2 products to improve their s3xual performance and they have wonderful testimonies to give about it.

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[kenzymirror]

within about 30 seconds of having sex with me, my husband usually ends up releasing his semen… and having a weak manhood that cannot go another round. most of the time after such poor sexual performance, i would simply rub his back and pretend like the sex was okay. but deep within me, i knew it was not. i was only trying to console him and make feel better because his quick release issue was affecting his self esteem and confidence. my name is mrs. damilola, and i know you are wondering how i ended up with a husband that cannot last more than 30 seconds in bed. it started about 2 years after our marriage. most time when my husband returns from work, and toward evening we make love… my husband will gush out his sperm within just 20 seconds of penetrating me. it was really embarrassing to me. i kept it a secret for many months because i did not want my friends or colleague to laugh at me or make fun of me for marrying a “one minute man”. so i tried to cope with my husband’s quick release issue and weak erection. but it was becoming more difficult to endure it because… apart from my husband releasing within 30 seconds during sex, i noticed later on that his small manhood was shrinking and becoming smaller in size. seriously, at first thought there was no hope or solution to my husband problem or probably it was a spiritual attack on our marriage. why did i say so? after my husband noticed this problem that affected our marriage, my husband started to try several drugs (both advertised online and in pharmaceutical stores)… but none of them seem to work for him. when he starts using them it gives a glimpse of result, but after some time the effectiveness wears off… my husband will not be able to go for 30seconds before he pours his semen all over the place. unfortunately, after spending much money on fake drugs, sprays, herbs and concoction just to last longer… my husband and i almost finally gave up on his poor sexual performance condition. but one day, during an expo or workshop organized by the multinational company where i and my husband work, we came in contact with a men health specialist or expert (also known as an urologist). my husband narrated his embarrassing situation to the men health specialist, and he promised to help him out with natural solutions that would be affordable, have no side effects, and very effective to permanently cure him. the men health specialist recommended a nafdac approved natural herbal supplement for my husband that helps men cure weak erection and quick ejaculation and also improves sexual stamina and libido. the natural herbal supplement contains 50 capsules, and all my husband did was to use 2 capsules daily with water or natural honey. within the first 5 days of using the herbal supplement, i noticed that my husband could now get normal erections like a healthy man should have early in the morning. after 7 days of using the capsules, we made love and instead of lasting few seconds like my husband used to do in the past, he went on to last 15minutes without releasing. that night, i was filled with joy to know that my husband condition has improved and he was now performing like a real man should. the natural herbal supplement is approved by nafdac and contains good herbs that burns poisons or toxins that kills your manpower out of your body system. even better, it works without any side effect. my husband did not feel any slight headache when using it. it’s purely herbal and curative. at this point, let me introduce you to the exact herbal supplement that helped my husband overcome his many years struggles with quick ejaculation and weak erection… and became a bedroom champion that last for over 25minutes during sex the nafdac approved supplement known as mascum herbal pride contains 50capsules and it helps men to restore their sexual stamina, boost libido (also known as sex drive) and permanently cures premature ejaculation and poor erections. no side effects – approved by nafdac reg. no = a7-0887l mascum herbal pride is a safe and natural way to get rock-hard erections and marathon staying power so that you can last up to 25minutes in bed without any fear of releasing. click here to get access to the natural herbal supplement that worked for my husband and made him a bedroom champion once you start using it, your sexual confidence will improve. it works without any nasty side effects unlike most pills advertised on everywhere on the internet. and to prove it, my husband and i actually gave the same herbal to 3 of our family friends and couples experiencing this same issue, and after 1 weeks, we got good news that the products actually helps to improve their sexual performance. and the best part about mascum herbal pride is that… 1. it’s 100percent natural, it has no side effect on you even if you are a diabetic or hypertensive patients. 2. also, it’s safe for nigerian men no matter how old you are. 3. even though you have been struggling with these problems of premature ejaculation and weak erections for years, it will surely help you permanently cure it. 4. just 1 container of mascum herbal pride is enough to cure you of your sexual problems and end the miserable life of living with poor erections and quick ejaculation 5. once you start using it, you no longer have to suffer from watery sperm, just use mascum herbal pride with natural honey to cure watery sperm 6. to be taken 1 tablet morning, and 1 night as a permanent cure to weak erection, low sperm count and quick ejaculation. 7. and in addition to that, one thing about mascum herbal pride is that it helps in lowering blood pressure and boosting your testerone levels. go here now to get the mascum herbal pride that cures your quick ejaculation and gives you stronger erection without any side effects! the best part about mascum herbal pride is that, it is made of purely natural ingredients. no chemical of any kind. the composition of the supplement is basically herbs and of profound research and combination. it’s nafdac approved, not only as food supplement but as nutriceuticals. mascum herbal pride has a triplicate effect; permanently cures your quick ejaculation, restores body function and ultimately gives a curative effect. i know you have come across several adverts online about one product or the other that claims to boost sexual performance, and you do not know who to believe anymore. but be rest assured that mascum herbal pride is one of the supplements that helps men boost your testerone levels, while also lowering your blood pressure. and the good thing about mascum is that, you begin to see results… almost immediately. go here now to order for the mascum herbal pride that permanently cures your quick ejaculation and weak erections… almost immediately even if you are a over 65 year old baba even if everything you have tried in the past did not work for you, this is different and will definitely help restore your sexual stamina so that you can satisfy your woman completely. as we speak, my husband is now getting stronger erections without feeling any pain, and he can last for up to 25minutes when we make love. i’m now obsessed with my husband in the bedroom and every time we make love, we feel like young couples again. all thanks to mascum herbal pride, my husband’s sexual performance issues is now a thing of the past. but that is not all… apart from that, the men health specialist that gave us the herbal supplement also included a titan penis enlargement gel imported from japan inside the kit that he gave to my husband. you see, i always complained bitterly before that my husband manhood was too small and it was always swimming inside me anytime we make love. so the men health specialist decided to give us the titan penis enlargement gel known as titan gel. what the titan penis enlargement gel does is to increase manhood size (both length and girth) and also improve the strength of your penis without any side effects. all my husband did was to follow the instructions on the titan gel, and do the penile massages using the titan penis enlargement gel. after a few weeks of my husband using the titan penis enlargement gel, i was surprised at the results he got. his manhood has now become bigger and fatter. to make sure it was real, i had to take a measuring tape to measure the penis and it has increased from 3.5inches to 5.5inches. get the titan penis enlargement gel that works for increasing manhood size up to 3.5inches without side effects! the good thing about titan penis enlargement gel is that the increment you get from using it are permanent. no shrinking of penis after you stop using it. now my husband manhood is much bigger after completing the usage of the titan penis enlargement gel. listen, i know you have seen lots of adverts online that promises to increase the size of manhood to be longer than anything and you are probably skeptical. but be rest assured, this is not miracle or magic, the titan penis enlargement gel works, and you will see increase of at least 3.5inches in 4 weeks of using it. now, when my husband penetrates me with his much bigger manhood it makes me scream and moan. click here to order for your own bottles of the titan gel that increases manhood size in 3 weeks guaranteed (no side effect of any kind)

http://www.kenzymirror.com.ng/2017/12/lagos-wife-reveals-nafdac-approved.html

[kenzymirror]

Lagos Wife Reveals NAFDAC Approved Solution That Helped Her Husband Last 25minutes in Bed, Cure Weak Erections without using Viagra!

within about 30 seconds of having sex with me, my husband usually ends up releasing his semen… and having a weak manhood that cannot go another round. most of the time after such poor sexual performance, i would simply rub his back and pretend like the sex was okay. but deep within me, i knew it was not. i was only trying to console him and make feel better because his quick release issue was affecting his self esteem and confidence.

my name is mrs. damilola, and i know you are wondering how i ended up with a husband that cannot last more than 30 seconds in bed. it started about 2 years after our marriage. most time when my husband returns from work, and toward evening we make love… my husband will gush out his sperm within just 20 seconds of penetrating me. it was really embarrassing to me. i kept it a secret for many months because i did not want my friends or colleague to laugh at me or make fun of me for marrying a “one minute man”. so i tried to cope with my husband’s quick release issue and weak erection. but it was becoming more difficult to endure it because… apart from my husband releasing within 30 seconds during sex, i noticed later on that his small manhood was shrinking and becoming smaller in size. seriously, at first thought there was no hope or solution to my husband problem or probably it was a spiritual attack on our marriage. why did i say so? after my husband noticed this problem that affected our marriage, my husband started to try several drugs (both advertised online and in pharmaceutical stores)… but none of them seem to work for him. when he starts using them it gives a glimpse of result, but after some time the effectiveness wears off… my husband will not be able to go for 30seconds before he pours his semen all over the place. unfortunately, after spending much money on fake drugs, sprays, herbs and concoction just to last longer… my husband and i almost finally gave up on his poor sexual performance condition. but one day, during an expo or workshop organized by the multinational company where i and my husband work, we came in contact with a men health specialist or expert (also known as an urologist). my husband narrated his embarrassing situation to the men health specialist, and he promised to help him out with natural solutions that would be affordable, have no side effects, and very effective to permanently cure him. the men health specialist recommended a nafdac approved natural herbal supplement for my husband that helps men cure weak erection and quick ejaculation and also improves sexual stamina and libido. the natural herbal supplement contains 50 capsules, and all my husband did was to use 2 capsules daily with water or natural honey. within the first 5 days of using the herbal supplement, i noticed that my husband could now get normal erections like a healthy man should have early in the morning. after 7 days of using the capsules, we made love and instead of lasting few seconds like my husband used to do in the past, he went on to last 15minutes without releasing. that night, i was filled with joy to know that my husband condition has improved and he was now performing like a real man should. the natural herbal supplement is approved by nafdac and contains good herbs that burns poisons or toxins that kills your manpower out of your body system. even better, it works without any side effect. my husband did not feel any slight headache when using it. it’s purely herbal and curative. at this point, let me introduce you to the exact herbal supplement that helped my husband overcome his many years struggles with quick ejaculation and weak erection… and became a bedroom champion that last for over 25minutes during sex the nafdac approved supplement known as mascum herbal pride contains 50capsules and it helps men to restore their sexual stamina, boost libido (also known as sex drive) and permanently cures premature ejaculation and poor erections. no side effects – approved by nafdac reg. no = a7-0887l mascum herbal pride is a safe and natural way to get rock-hard erections and marathon staying power so that you can last up to 25minutes in bed without any fear of releasing. click here to get access to the natural herbal supplement that worked for my husband and made him a bedroom champion once you start using it, your sexual confidence will improve. it works without any nasty side effects unlike most pills advertised on everywhere on the internet. and to prove it, my husband and i actually gave the same herbal to 3 of our family friends and couples experiencing this same issue, and after 1 weeks, we got good news that the products actually helps to improve their sexual performance. and the best part about mascum herbal pride is that… 1. it’s 100percent natural, it has no side effect on you even if you are a diabetic or hypertensive patients. 2. also, it’s safe for nigerian men no matter how old you are. 3. even though you have been struggling with these problems of premature ejaculation and weak erections for years, it will surely help you permanently cure it. 4. just 1 container of mascum herbal pride is enough to cure you of your sexual problems and end the miserable life of living with poor erections and quick ejaculation 5. once you start using it, you no longer have to suffer from watery sperm, just use mascum herbal pride with natural honey to cure watery sperm 6. to be taken 1 tablet morning, and 1 night as a permanent cure to weak erection, low sperm count and quick ejaculation. 7. and in addition to that, one thing about mascum herbal pride is that it helps in lowering blood pressure and boosting your testerone levels. go here now to get the mascum herbal pride that cures your quick ejaculation and gives you stronger erection without any side effects! the best part about mascum herbal pride is that, it is made of purely natural ingredients. no chemical of any kind. the composition of the supplement is basically herbs and of profound research and combination. it’s nafdac approved, not only as food supplement but as nutriceuticals. mascum herbal pride has a triplicate effect; permanently cures your quick ejaculation, restores body function and ultimately gives a curative effect. i know you have come across several adverts online about one product or the other that claims to boost sexual performance, and you do not know who to believe anymore. but be rest assured that mascum herbal pride is one of the supplements that helps men boost your testerone levels, while also lowering your blood pressure. and the good thing about mascum is that, you begin to see results… almost immediately. go here now to order for the mascum herbal pride that permanently cures your quick ejaculation and weak erections… almost immediately even if you are a over 65 year old baba even if everything you have tried in the past did not work for you, this is different and will definitely help restore your sexual stamina so that you can satisfy your woman completely. as we speak, my husband is now getting stronger erections without feeling any pain, and he can last for up to 25minutes when we make love. i’m now obsessed with my husband in the bedroom and every time we make love, we feel like young couples again. all thanks to mascum herbal pride, my husband’s sexual performance issues is now a thing of the past. but that is not all… apart from that, the men health specialist that gave us the herbal supplement also included a titan penis enlargement gel imported from japan inside the kit that he gave to my husband. you see, i always complained bitterly before that my husband manhood was too small and it was always swimming inside me anytime we make love. so the men health specialist decided to give us the titan penis enlargement gel known as titan gel. what the titan penis enlargement gel does is to increase manhood size (both length and girth) and also improve the strength of your penis without any side effects. all my husband did was to follow the instructions on the titan gel, and do the penile massages using the titan penis enlargement gel. after a few weeks of my husband using the titan penis enlargement gel, i was surprised at the results he got. his manhood has now become bigger and fatter. to make sure it was real, i had to take a measuring tape to measure the penis and it has increased from 3.5inches to 5.5inches. get the titan penis enlargement gel that works for increasing manhood size up to 3.5inches without side effects! the good thing about titan penis enlargement gel is that the increment you get from using it are permanent. no shrinking of penis after you stop using it. now my husband manhood is much bigger after completing the usage of the titan penis enlargement gel. listen, i know you have seen lots of adverts online that promises to increase the size of manhood to be longer than anything and you are probably skeptical. but be rest assured, this is not miracle or magic, the titan penis enlargement gel works, and you will see increase of at least 3.5inches in 4 weeks of using it. now, when my husband penetrates me with his much bigger manhood it makes me scream and moan. click here to order for your own bottles of the titan gel that increases manhood size in 3 weeks guaranteed (no side effect of any kind)

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[kenzymirror]

Lagos Wife Reveals NAFDAC Approved Solution That Helped Her Husband Last 25minutes in Bed, Cure Weak Erections without using Viagra!

within about 30 seconds of having sex with me, my husband usually ends up releasing his semen… and having a weak manhood that cannot go another round. most of the time after such poor sexual performance, i would simply rub his back and pretend like the sex was okay. but deep within me, i knew it was not. i was only trying to console him and make feel better because his quick release issue was affecting his self esteem and confidence.

my name is mrs. damilola, and i know you are wondering how i ended up with a husband that cannot last more than 30 seconds in bed. it started about 2 years after our marriage. most time when my husband returns from work, and toward evening we make love… my husband will gush out his sperm within just 20 seconds of penetrating me. it was really embarrassing to me. i kept it a secret for many months because i did not want my friends or colleague to laugh at me or make fun of me for marrying a “one minute man”. so i tried to cope with my husband’s quick release issue and weak erection. but it was becoming more difficult to endure it because… apart from my husband releasing within 30 seconds during sex, i noticed later on that his small manhood was shrinking and becoming smaller in size. seriously, at first thought there was no hope or solution to my husband problem or probably it was a spiritual attack on our marriage. why did i say so? after my husband noticed this problem that affected our marriage, my husband started to try several drugs (both advertised online and in pharmaceutical stores)… but none of them seem to work for him. when he starts using them it gives a glimpse of result, but after some time the effectiveness wears off… my husband will not be able to go for 30seconds before he pours his semen all over the place. unfortunately, after spending much money on fake drugs, sprays, herbs and concoction just to last longer… my husband and i almost finally gave up on his poor sexual performance condition. but one day, during an expo or workshop organized by the multinational company where i and my husband work, we came in contact with a men health specialist or expert (also known as an urologist). my husband narrated his embarrassing situation to the men health specialist, and he promised to help him out with natural solutions that would be affordable, have no side effects, and very effective to permanently cure him. the men health specialist recommended a nafdac approved natural herbal supplement for my husband that helps men cure weak erection and quick ejaculation and also improves sexual stamina and libido. the natural herbal supplement contains 50 capsules, and all my husband did was to use 2 capsules daily with water or natural honey. within the first 5 days of using the herbal supplement, i noticed that my husband could now get normal erections like a healthy man should have early in the morning. after 7 days of using the capsules, we made love and instead of lasting few seconds like my husband used to do in the past, he went on to last 15minutes without releasing. that night, i was filled with joy to know that my husband condition has improved and he was now performing like a real man should. the natural herbal supplement is approved by nafdac and contains good herbs that burns poisons or toxins that kills your manpower out of your body system. even better, it works without any side effect. my husband did not feel any slight headache when using it. it’s purely herbal and curative. at this point, let me introduce you to the exact herbal supplement that helped my husband overcome his many years struggles with quick ejaculation and weak erection… and became a bedroom champion that last for over 25minutes during sex the nafdac approved supplement known as mascum herbal pride contains 50capsules and it helps men to restore their sexual stamina, boost libido (also known as sex drive) and permanently cures premature ejaculation and poor erections. no side effects – approved by nafdac reg. no = a7-0887l mascum herbal pride is a safe and natural way to get rock-hard erections and marathon staying power so that you can last up to 25minutes in bed without any fear of releasing. click here to get access to the natural herbal supplement that worked for my husband and made him a bedroom champion once you start using it, your sexual confidence will improve. it works without any nasty side effects unlike most pills advertised on everywhere on the internet. and to prove it, my husband and i actually gave the same herbal to 3 of our family friends and couples experiencing this same issue, and after 1 weeks, we got good news that the products actually helps to improve their sexual performance. and the best part about mascum herbal pride is that… 1. it’s 100percent natural, it has no side effect on you even if you are a diabetic or hypertensive patients. 2. also, it’s safe for nigerian men no matter how old you are. 3. even though you have been struggling with these problems of premature ejaculation and weak erections for years, it will surely help you permanently cure it. 4. just 1 container of mascum herbal pride is enough to cure you of your sexual problems and end the miserable life of living with poor erections and quick ejaculation 5. once you start using it, you no longer have to suffer from watery sperm, just use mascum herbal pride with natural honey to cure watery sperm 6. to be taken 1 tablet morning, and 1 night as a permanent cure to weak erection, low sperm count and quick ejaculation. 7. and in addition to that, one thing about mascum herbal pride is that it helps in lowering blood pressure and boosting your testerone levels. go here now to get the mascum herbal pride that cures your quick ejaculation and gives you stronger erection without any side effects! the best part about mascum herbal pride is that, it is made of purely natural ingredients. no chemical of any kind. the composition of the supplement is basically herbs and of profound research and combination. it’s nafdac approved, not only as food supplement but as nutriceuticals. mascum herbal pride has a triplicate effect; permanently cures your quick ejaculation, restores body function and ultimately gives a curative effect. i know you have come across several adverts online about one product or the other that claims to boost sexual performance, and you do not know who to believe anymore. but be rest assured that mascum herbal pride is one of the supplements that helps men boost your testerone levels, while also lowering your blood pressure. and the good thing about mascum is that, you begin to see results… almost immediately. go here now to order for the mascum herbal pride that permanently cures your quick ejaculation and weak erections… almost immediately even if you are a over 65 year old baba even if everything you have tried in the past did not work for you, this is different and will definitely help restore your sexual stamina so that you can satisfy your woman completely. as we speak, my husband is now getting stronger erections without feeling any pain, and he can last for up to 25minutes when we make love. i’m now obsessed with my husband in the bedroom and every time we make love, we feel like young couples again. all thanks to mascum herbal pride, my husband’s sexual performance issues is now a thing of the past. but that is not all… apart from that, the men health specialist that gave us the herbal supplement also included a titan penis enlargement gel imported from japan inside the kit that he gave to my husband. you see, i always complained bitterly before that my husband manhood was too small and it was always swimming inside me anytime we make love. so the men health specialist decided to give us the titan penis enlargement gel known as titan gel. what the titan penis enlargement gel does is to increase manhood size (both length and girth) and also improve the strength of your penis without any side effects. all my husband did was to follow the instructions on the titan gel, and do the penile massages using the titan penis enlargement gel. after a few weeks of my husband using the titan penis enlargement gel, i was surprised at the results he got. his manhood has now become bigger and fatter. to make sure it was real, i had to take a measuring tape to measure the penis and it has increased from 3.5inches to 5.5inches. get the titan penis enlargement gel that works for increasing manhood size up to 3.5inches without side effects! the good thing about titan penis enlargement gel is that the increment you get from using it are permanent. no shrinking of penis after you stop using it. now my husband manhood is much bigger after completing the usage of the titan penis enlargement gel. listen, i know you have seen lots of adverts online that promises to increase the size of manhood to be longer than anything and you are probably skeptical. but be rest assured, this is not miracle or magic, the titan penis enlargement gel works, and you will see increase of at least 3.5inches in 4 weeks of using it. now, when my husband penetrates me with his much bigger manhood it makes me scream and moan. click here to order for your own bottles of the titan gel that increases manhood size in 3 weeks guaranteed (no side effect of any kind)

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