#but that might just be bc i can only vividly imagine places and not people for some reason

[bloody-wonder]

just some thoughts on aftg, aspec rep & acephobia

so last weekend i went to my first pride and it’s strange to think that i wouldn’t be here now, identifying as queer and understanding much more about myself, without aftg. i mean, i guess i would’ve found out about the ace spectrum sooner or later but i don’t think i’d have realized i’m on it if i hadn’t met neil and experienced this story through his pov. which is why in this post i want to address the so-called acephobic scenes in aftg and how they factor into aftg as a book with aspec rep.

the scenes in question are basically some casual comments made by aftg characters about neil’s love life (or rather absence thereof), most notably nicky repeatedly refusing to acknowledge that neil doesn’t “swing”. i don’t want to list them all bc i’ve seen other people do it already, and although these fans are doing the lord’s educational work out there, in all the instances when i’ve seen these posts they seem to imply that aftg is acephobic either for featuring these comments in the first place or for not having the characters who made them explicitly called out by the story. this made me think about why i wouldn’t prefer it any other way.

so the first argument i just want to dismiss out of hand bc it’s kinda childish - having x-phobic statements in a book doesn’t automatically make this book x-phobic. besides, nora is aroace and although people can have internalized phobias of their own identites i don’t think that’s the case here. moving on to the second argument which is “you’re only allowed to have x-phobic comments in your book if the narrative explicitly frames them as wrong, for example by having the characters who made them be punished or learn to do better”. i can see where this one is coming from and yet it still reminds me of a first grader picture book storytelling formula. 

when i read aftg for the first time, even without knowing anything about the ace spectrum i still perceived these comments as wrong. during subsequent re-reads, after a bit of research and self-discovery, i undetstood why exactly they seemed wrong to me but i’ve only ever felt good about them being there bc they showcase vividly what it feels like to be subjected to casual acephobia in day-to-day life. and it has never even occured to me that these scenes might be harmful on the meta-level just bc the story doesn’t draw out attention to them and say “kids don’t do this, this is wrong” in a stern voice.

however, i do understant that the purpose of these lines can go over many (most?) readers’ heads or be misconstrued by them - just bc they aren’t in the know about the ace agenda. that’s why i think it’s important to write fandom meta about them. no one can know everything all the time and it’s okay to rely on other more knowledgeable people for additional information. but the question is, should this educational work instead be done by the book itself? is it a moral obligation of authors to put disclaimers before any potentially controversial scene lest some readers think the book normalizes problematic behaviours? does aftg normalize acephobia bc at no point in the story do the foxes learn about asexuality and apologize to neil? i guess you can tell from my tone that i believe the answers are no, no and no. but that’s only bc, for better or for worse, i have faith in human intellect and critical thinking skills.

since i started identifying as aroace, i’ve read several other books with aspec rep. one thing some of them have in common - with each other but not with aftg - is that labels are used on page, typically in conversations where the aspec character has to explain to the others what all of this means using phrases like “oh it’s when you don’t feel sexual attraction to any person of any gender”. and i don’t want to criticize these books or imply in any way that they do aspec rep wrong, to each their own, but i must confess, when i imagine myself from two years ago reading such a book with an ace character who feels more like a wikipedia entry, i just go hmm,, okay ://

by contrast, with neil you don’t know that he’s on the ace spectrum unless you know. neither the characters nor the readers are owed an explanation or a label by him. neil just exists, he lives out his identity, his aceness is in everything he is and does - and you either get it or you don’t. it’s like an inside joke, the kind that would only be spoiled by explaining it. 

[phoebe-delia]

Hello, Phoebe. I’m back :)

How are you doing? Just put whatever you feel like here! This ask is the Phoebe Show; make it yours!

Lyssa, it is always a pleasure to see you in my notifs, but especially in my ask box! Thank you for filling it with kind words, awesome prompts, and fun questions for me to play around with.

This blog is the closest I imagine I'll ever come to having the Phoebe Delia Show, and since you have given me free rein with this ask, I shall endeavor to make it count.

I've gotten some incredible asks about my interests, but I'm going to answer a question that has been asked by exactly no one and rank Taylor Swift's albums.

This will be in order of my favorites; this isn't necessarily a reflection of what I think the rank would be in terms of objective quality; instead, this is based on my own personal enjoyment of the albums.

As always, I will provide a little explanation as to my reasoning, because I am nothing if not indulgent.

I actually really surprised myself with this ranking; as I looked through the albums I evaluated each by counting the number of songs I liked off of each one, and the ranking I thought I had has now changed. (I will explain in my comments!).

So! With that said. The Phoebe Delia Show Presents: Ranking Taylor Swift Albums.

1. Speak Now--To me, there is only one skip on this entire album; it is bop after bop. (If you're wondering, I think "Innocent" is the skip). Every song is just fun! I should also point out that this is also my favorite in part because Taylor said it was inspired by theater/Broadway.

2. 1989--I'm gonna be honest and say that I'm ashamed to have sort of slept on this album for so long. Don't get me wrong--I listened to and enjoyed it a lot when it came out, but I always sort of automatically pushed it further down on my list in favor of my 3rd choice because I liked the songs on my 3rd choice more. But now that I'm older and my music taste has somewhat evolved, I think I can say that 1989 is my 2nd favorite. There are truly no skips on this album. Yes, I know I said SN has a skip, but that album holds a special place in my heart so it gets number 1. I was thinking it over today, and while Taylor has always been amazing, I think this is the album that launched her into superstardom. We, her fans, knew she could do anything, but she still shocked us all by making the transition to an entirely pop album. Remember the "Blank Space" and "Bad Blood" music videos? I still think those are two fo my favorite of her mvs, though LWYMMD is a close second.

3. Red--Oh, my beloved. This album is wonderful. I have a lot of memories associated with this one, particularly watching the WANGBT music video and the IKYWT parody with the fucking goat that makes me laugh so hard even to this day. I am SO pumped for TV in November!! And while, yes, "All Too Well" is my favorite song on the album (and my fave TS song overall), "Holy Ground" is slept on and amazing.

4. folklore--This album is probably the most meaningful to me of them all just because of when it came out. We as an entire global community were struggling, and I know I had immense privilege to have been healthy and safe during that time. Still, like everyone else, I was depressed, lonely, and felt trapped inside my home and inside my mind. I will never forget listening to this album in my room and gasping when I heard TIMT. Not long after this album came out, I also lost my family dog, and this album was essential in helping me grieve. This album saved my sanity and gave me a cathartic outlet. I will be forever grateful to Taylor for writing it.

5. Reputation--This is another one for which I have a lot of memories. I will never forget when the LWYMMD music video came out and the world lost its entire mind. Taylor said there are still easter eggs we missed and I want someone to find them please and thank you. There are a few songs on this album that I'm not obsessed with, but the storytelling is so cohesive and creative. On the surface, one might think Taylor was being petty or whiny, but if you look closer--and remember the utter hell she was going through at the time--I think there are deeper meanings than her just getting back at Kim and Kanye.

6. Fearless--Oh, this album. It has some of her most iconic songs: YBWM, "White Horse," "Love Story"," "Forever and Always," etc. I truly wish I could tie this one with Rep, but I think Rep edges this one out *just* barely with songwriting/lyrical quality. I also don't know if I'll ever fully get over the fact that she kept "Mr. Perfectly Fine" from us for so long, but I suppose I can consider the 10 min "All Too Well" on Red TV to be proper repayment. ;)

7. evermore--I could not believe my eyes when she announced this album. How can this woman write this fast and this well!! I will never forget listening to "champagne problems," "no body, no crime," and "tolerate it" in particular. I ranked this after reputation just bc I think I enjoy listening to Rep more, but some of the songwriting on this album is *chefs kiss.*

8. Lover--I know, I know, I'm sorry. I don't want to put this one so low on the list but I just kind of can't put it any higher? I really love some of the songs on this album, but SYGB is too sad for me, "London Boy" kinda annoys me I'm sorry, and I just never really got into INTHAF or "Afterglow." But, that said, every other song on the album is a bop, even ME!, although I listen to the live version over the studio recording. It's a great album though.

9. Taylor Swift (Debut album)--I feel a little bad ranking this so low but I cannot honestly tell you that this album is better than her others, and something has to be last on the list. There are also some great, classic songs on this album. So, instead of being critical, I'm instead going to say that I remember vividly seeing a snippet of "Teardrops On My Guitar" advertised on Disney Channel for Radio Disney. It makes me smile to think of how far she's come since then.

And that concludes this episode of The Phoebe Delia Show! Tune in next time where I post some other self-indulgent opinion about one of my interests and hope it reaches people who care to read it :)

Send me an ask about Harry Potter, broadway/musicals, The West Wing, and/or Taylor Swift! Or just about life in general :).

Also, I have a playlist of my 99 most listened-to songs of the year so far. Pick a number 1--99 and send me an ask and I'll write you a fic based on it!

[cosmicbash]

no but like oh my god, imagine if kells only has sex with em bc that’s the only way he can think of repaying the rapper??? christ, like, he only thinks of em’s own pleasure instead of his own, using his body as an apology, bc that’s the only way he knows how (i mean there’s his music too, but he thinks em fucking hates his music) ((idk might write abt this, but i kinda want u to kickstart it uknow?))

Yess yess yess I love this.

It starts out as a misunderstanding, of course, because how else would their relationship begin?

A series of short tentative chats that somehow blossom into a full on dinner together, Colson sweating and more anxious than he's ever been in his life. It just doesn't seem real, that not only could he be mending this feud with his idol but also sitting across from him at some fancy restaurant table learning Eminem eats his steaks well done like some child. And laughing about it. 

He's actually laughing. With his idol, his rival, his highschool crush. Long legs kicking out under the table at his own bad jokes, Em half smirking back at him. Their feet brushing one too many times for the color to leave his cheeks even after he's done giggling.

By the time Colson is talking Em into splitting some crazy good looking chocolate cake he actually feels better than he has in years. Since before the beef. So of course something has to go wrong. It really would have to be a dream for things not to sour.

He wants to pretend the first few flirty comments are in his head. That Em reaching across the table to roughly rub some chocolate off his cheek is a Detroit thing. But by the time they're finished eating and waiting for the check Colson's creeping suspicion has turned into full on alarm bells blaring. There's just no way to excuse the nervous looks or Em's almost hesitant invitation up to his hotel room. 

It feels like a slap to the face. Everything suddenly makes sense. Why they're eating in the other rapper's hotel, why Em is even speaking to him. None of this is to repair their relationship or end the beef. It's all just some poorly hidden buttering up before Em asks him to get down on his knees. 

Colson should blow up. He should just lash out and throw his fist into Em's face. Storm out and flag down the valet. He's not some escort that the rapper can rent for the night and feed a fancy dinner to.

But there's that guilty feeling that has settled into the pit of his stomach. The one that's been there since he first lashed out and ruined everything with his diss track, the comments about Hailey, his childish bitching in interviews. It's only doubled since they first sat down to eat. Every muffled chuckle and weakly hidden smile from the older man digging that pit deeper and deeper. Showing him what he carelessly threw away in some desperate grab for attention.

It's got a small voice in the back of Colson's head warning him how if he says no and storms out he's just doing the same thing all over again, cutting Em out of his life. This time possibly forever.

So Colson bites his tongue and nods. His fingers anxiously climbing up into his hair to help hide the guilty look he knows must be on his face when he stutters out a "y-yeah, yeah, sure."

The genuine smile Em flashes back at him at his agreement just feels like a knife being jammed next to the shovel.

How can the man look so fucking blissful about something that feels like borderline blackmail?

But Em does. He looks stunned, downright flustered even at first at his response. Then happy. A happy that isn't hidden by some fake cough or behind a delicate yet strong looking hand for once. It gives Colson something precious to hold onto in the sea of uncomfortable and nasty emotions twisting up his stomach while the older rapper pays. 

The knot just twists itself up tighter once they're in the elevator, his silence thankfully brushed off as nervousness by Em. The almost shy glance of steely blue eyes his way making him feel so small while buttons are pressed. Usually Colson would blame this kind of nausea on the ride itself, but for once his phobia of the small metal deathtraps is actually being overpowered. A new fear worming its way through his guts as each floor number blinks to life.

He doesn't want to freak out. To run away, but hes too goddamn sober for this. Avoiding smoking and turning down the offer of wine at dinner just to try and impress his idol was threatening to be his downfall. If he'd known Em was going to show such little respect and consideration to his being like this he would have lit a fat one up right there at the table. Hell, maybe that would have changed the older man's mind about propositioning him in the first place. Surely a druggie asshole was less appealing to make drop to their knees instead of his current carefully put together primped and meek self.

"Only a few more floors. Don't go green on me just yet Kelly." 

Colson didn't know whether to take the playful nudge as comforting or creepy. Maybe, a little flattering? If Em had actually looked into him enough to learn about his problem with elevators and the man just wasn't guessing off the apparent discolor of his face that is.

"Y-yeah."

Imagining Eminem of all people actually following his interviews or caring about his personal life that much felt like a pipe dream though. 

Outside of the next 20 minutes or however long it took for the bastard to get his rocks off he highly doubted Em would put much thought into his existence at all. Which would be fair. After all the shit he's said and done he really doesn't deserve the time of day from his idol. 

A ding and the elevator doors were opening. Colson's legs feeling numb beneath him when he finally lets go of the railing in the elevator to stumble forward. Thankful that Em's focus was on digging his room's keycard out of his wallet and not his clumsy steps. Each one bringing them closer and closer to their destination, making the whole situation so vividly real he couldn't help but panic again. The other man's forced small talk about how he "Doesn't usually book the penthouse suite-" falling on deaf ears.

It’s ironic, how often he had dreamed for this exact scenario. For Eminem to be leading him up to some fancy high end hotel room, promising to shower him fully in his attention and gaze. Only now, with his dream coming true right before his eyes he can’t help but feel bittersweet about the heated gaze holding him frozen just outside the door. Em’s final offer for him to back down before they both step through the threshold clear as day in the look.

The twist in his gut tells Colson to take it, to just spin around on his heel and run away with his tail tucked between his legs. Accept he’s too much of a coward and too full of himself to actually mend their beef.

But the desperate need he feels for forgiveness and absolvement pushes Colson forward instead. Sheer will alone giving him the confidence to twirl his idols hoodie strings around his fingers to drag Em inside with him. The loud beat of his heart completely smothering the other man’s flustered outburst. 

Just like in church the blonde finds himself on his knees not too long after entering. Mouth open and hands clasped together, ready to ask for forgiveness. Except this god he’s praying to is running it’s fingers through his hair, and there’s a stiff cock separating his palms. A chorus of curses and “Holy fuck, K-Kelly just wait a second, shit, your tongue is-“ tickling his ears instead of hymns.

He’s never sucked a cock before, and it’s embarrassing how quickly he finds himself choking. But Colson doesn’t give up, even when his jaw starts to ache and the grip on his hair grows a bit too tight. His discomfort doesn’t matter here. He just needs to make Em happy, earn the forgiveness he doesn’t deserve.

“Can I- fuck, can I fuck your face?” Both of the older rapper’s palms are holding his bangs away from his face, tilting his head back just enough to force their eyes to meet. The shame in his chest doubles but so does the surprising tightness in his jeans when he sees the uncharacteristic flush to Em’s cheeks.

He isn’t experienced, the smart thing to do would be pull off and admit that. He’s seen first hand how disastrous things can go but his head bobs in a yes anyway. Eyes already starting to water from how the action jabs the other rappers cock right against his gag reflex.

A low groan is all the warning he gets before Em’s fingers are knotting in his hair, forcing his head down to meet the thrust of strong hips. Stuffing that hard dick down his throat so fast it burns and his hands can’t help but flail, helplessly grabbing onto the meat of the older rapper’s thighs through his sweats. Unable to even steal another gasp of air before it happens again. Em’s hips pistoning forward to fuck his mouth like some cheap replaceable toy. 

Even after he gags and gurgles spit the rapper doesn’t stop. 

The harsh pants of praise and encouragement burning his ears just as hotly as the tears in his eyes. “Ah, so good. So fucking good baby, the best, ah-“

Colson doesn’t know what’s worse, how quickly his heart skips at the surprise tern of endearment or how pathetically his cock jerks in his underwear. Not that he has much time to think on it with how Em abruptly forces his face right down to the bone, soft and scratchy pubes tickling his nose. Startling him before the other man’s blowing his load, Colson’s eyes widening and nails cutting deeply into Em’s legs while he chokes. There’s too much, even with his throat reflexively swallowing it still fills up his mouth and bursts out the sides. Dripping down his chin and out onto his shirt when Em finally pulls him off.

It’s salty, and thick. Nothing like the eggnog Rook’s joked to him it tastes like. There’s nothing sweet about this thick cream, even if the lightheaded feeling he’s got from milking it out still makes him feel drunk. 

“Shit. I wanna take a picture.“ Em’s palm is tilting his head back again, dragging his glassy eyes up away from the twitching spit slick cock in front of him. Thumb forcing his tongue down flat to flash what he can only imagine has to be a white mess before the hand in his hair is fumbling out a phone. “Can I?”

He almost wants to laugh at how the brunette doesn’t even wait for his answer before there is the unmistakable flash of a phone light temporarily blinding him. A curse and then another two, these ones at least allowing him the chance to shut his eyes tightly.

The shame within him is boiling, burning through his veins like lava and making his heart drop down into his stomach.

“So pretty-“ Em’s fingers are releasing his tongue and jaw to rake through his bangs yet again. Exposing his face even though Colson wants nothing more than to hide. A stifled sob tearing at his aching throat while he swallows what he can inside his mouth without completely gagging.

He can’t cry. That would ruin the mood wouldn't it? And if it doesn't, Colson doesn't know how he would handle having Em laugh at his tears. The almost soft demeanor and shy quality to his tone is all thats keeping the blonde from running away as it is. 

The shuffle of shoes and curl of strong fingers pulling him up startles Colson's eyes back open. Lashes fluttering to blink away the brief flash of wetness that's blurred his vision before he realizes he's being kissed. That Em's palms are cupping his jaw yet again, helping him to his feet. 

It's scratchy, and softer than he expects. Not that he was expecting Eminem to be kissing him in the first place, but the man doesn't relent. Just keeps kissing him, even after he's grown to his full height and the angle of their heads has switched. Em's tongue snaking its way inside his mouth while they stumble back further into the room. Until Colson's head is feeling fuzzy and his knees weak, the cushioned crash of his body hitting a mattress barely felt.

It feels wrong when Em's hands smooth up over his chest and down inside his jeans. The uncontrollable kick of his hips up into a tight hand around his cock almost blasphemous. There's no reason for Em to even be bothering with touching him there, he doesn't deserve it. But the rapper is sucking and nibbling along his neck, up into his ear to whisper a dozen filthy praises and compliments. None of them possibly true.

"So pretty-" "Perfect-" "Wanted to touch you for so long-" 

"Stop-" Colson's hands feel shaky as they drag his idols face back up to meet his in a messy kiss. Breath tight while he tries to speak between pecks. "Just- fuck, just hurry-"

When he winds up on his stomach some point into the night, Em's too big cock pressing hard against his entrance he can't help but cry out. The pitiful fist he shoves between his own teeth doing nothing to stifle the sound.

It hurts, more than the thin fingers he'd taken only moments prior. But not as much as the soothing shushes and affectionate run of hands through his hair. 

----

(Okay so this has set in my docs wayyyy too long now and you said you just wanted it maybe even as a kickstart so 🤲🤲 here is my humble offering)

[camillarosas-world]

vivid dreams

January 29, 2021 FULL MOON IN LEO Dreamt my family and I were in a cruise ship, a modern day cruise ship catered to my millenial, santorini dreams... I can remember looking at my phone zooming out of the carved big window because I was filming the Mediterranean Sunset with orange, pink, and violet hues along with the calmest and bluest water I've ever seen. As I zoom out my phone, I heard my mama calling out to my sister and her boyfriend-they've gone out swimming in the open sea-because we knew that a storm will come, but our ship sped off leaving my sister and her bf behind. The scene then went to my father, brother and I on a speed boat, finding our way to the location of our cruise ship, luckily surviving the unpredicted waves of the ocean. As we went inside this arch, we saw these sporty boys strutting a runway floating in the middle of the ocean, making our cruise ship their stage. I was so confused because all I know is that we're the only people on the ship, and I also know these people (they were athletes in my university). The heck they were doing on our ship?! I hurridly left our boat as it docked our ship and went to my mother who was giving me the good news that my sister and her bf were saved by our rescue team (i was also confused bc why the heck do we have crews and rescue team? are we rich? do we own this boat?). After changing my clothes, I went to this part of the boat that for some reason, looks lika an auditorium, and then I saw my friends with the people I cut off my life aka the ones who betrayed me, the ones who hurt me, and the ones who scarred my life..in that moment I felt like I was feeling different emotions at the same time. The person in my dream (aka me) hurriedly kissed and forgave those people, while I felt confused as to why my other self was doing that, hurt and betrayed. The weirdest part was seeing my bullies enjoying the view and the luxury of the ship. As they were taking pictures I was forced into the camera and kissed them on the cheek, exchanging laughs and jokes with them. As I settled my emotions and my internal confusion, I looked at the massive view of what looks like Palawan with its enchanting waters and tropical forests. In that spot, I saw my highschool friend (who is now in America), looking at my friends swimming. He was with his girlfriend (recent gf), and they were chatting with me, and teasing me. My mentor and favorite teacher then appeared, initiating a deep conversation about my ex. I was so confused because why would we still talk about this? It's been years and I havent seen them in a long time, and tthe first thing they want to talk about is this? But the person (aka me) in that dream happily told them how I moved on, yet I was still debating on being civil, and how I came to forgive myself and the situation. I was really happy and peaceful with myself. But then they teased me that my ex was also in the ship, and then he appeared! He was not talking to me, but he was walking in front of me! I was so confused because he's in America, and there's a pandemic, how can he come in to this ship? How can all the people come into our ship? Who let them in? Why were all disturbing my peace? After a while, we saw each other on the hallway, and he begged me to talk to him. I did. And this time, I wasn't overthinking or weighing pros and cons like I always did before. I was so peaceful and forgiving it's so surprising. But the minute he told me that we should talk in private I was so irritated because what was the reason? Why do we need to unpack everything? He could've just answered my question right away. right? I told him what's the matter, and asked home why was really the reason why is he on my boat? He dragged me to the lowest part of the ship (where the cars parks and where the machineries lie, the hottest and dirtiest part of the ship to be honest). All my ugly feelings burst as I was pushed into that part. I hated him and I hated that I let myself be in that place. The funniest thing was when he told me this weird story of why he was there. He told me that his company which was the partner company of the cruise ship, has this ticking bomb as huge as 2 10 wheeler trucks, and it was shaped like an octopus' limbs. I was freakin confused, weirded out, and angry! why the hell would he put this bomb on our cruise ship? I was so angry I put him on one of the limbs and let the bomb explode. Damn I was so brutal I was scared of myself. I then jump of the ship and swam until I got into this Indian port. I was so scared because I was thinking of my family, As I was hiding and running, I found this tent and asked for a cellphone, I contacted whoever and asked of my family was saved. Fortunately, they were saved! I let out a long sigh, and continued my journey. I don't know if I met a seafarer along the way, or is it just a figment of my imagination..but I vividly remember going out of that busy port and running to what looks like a country side. A weird dream// I have so many interpratations but that one that stood out the most is what my sister said to me after I told this story to her. "The people who have hurt you in the past, your bullies, your ex, your ex-friends, you cannot erase them from your life because they've been a part of what you are now" That spoke to me. I have the tendency to erase past traumas in my brain. I forget them until it starts to look a lot blurry and a lot like a dream. I detach, not so easily but I can. I really have to fully accept that the situation involving them really happened to me, and I need to sit with my emotions and my reactions. I am human, and like it or not, no matter how I try to avoid these situations, I cannot control other people and I cannot control the situation I am in. These things might happen and they will happen. The only thing I can control is my reaction and how I view it AFTER these situations happen. After I learn this, the net thing to learn is how to improve. For this week, I will need to release my emotional baggage, and the negative energies sorrounding me. I need to tend my emotions and validate them. It is normal to feel betrayed, scared, and even angry. I need to stop bottling up my emotions and only showing what society deems to be positive, or good. It is me, it is my reaction, it is okay to feel this way, it is okay to react this way. In return, I should not judge other people on how they react or handle some situations. Yes, we all could've handled it in a better way, but who says if one's better or not? Who will judge? We are all learning, and handling emotions are the hardest to unlearn because of what we are taught as children. I wish we all could communicate well not just with others but also with ourselves.

[danyka-fendyr]

Closer

Okay so I’m still working on a good idea for the Spencer Reid sick!fic but in the meantime, I thought I’d get this out. It’s...pretty much exactly what the title makes it sound like. Reader and Spencer find all the ways they can possibly casually touch each other without actually admitting they feel anything. Why? Because I think it’s cute. 

Warnings: Mentions of death and drug use. If you hate kids either don’t read on or pretend you like kids I’m taking some creative liberty with the concept of a reader insert because I don’t actually like this format and I’m only writing this way bc I’ve never seen a oneshot with an oc before lol 

Wordcount: 2348

The worst part of a case would always be the briefings. You hated the briefings because it meant that inevitably, there would be dead people. Dead people you hadn’t saved, dead people you hadn’t even known about. Who had died wishing someone would come to save them, wishing you would come to save them, and you hadn’t delivered.

This case was particularly hard because it involved kids. You had a major soft spot for kids, and any case involving them was hard on you, but this one... Gosh, it was so messed up. Penelope was having difficulty presenting without crying, it was that bad. Eventually, Derek took pity on her and took over.

You yourself were having some difficulty not crying. You had seen some pretty messed up things, but you didn’t think you were ever going to be able to talk about this case again after you finished it. You rubbed at your eyes, trying to keep it together, and felt a hand on your shoulder. You looked up to see it was a solemn Reid, offering you a soft, comforting smile. 

At this point, you hadn’t been at the BAU that long. You had joined around the same time as Emily and you two had bonded over the fact that you were fresh blood. The other person you had bonded with fairly quickly was Dr. Reid, not that he was hard to be friends with. Really all you had to do was listen, and that was easy for you. You found the doctor fascinating, riveted by all of his knowledge. You were convinced he knew everything, and you were surprised that he was now trying to comfort you.

You smiled back at him. Part of you wanted to reach up, place your hand over his, but you wondered if that would be too forward. You had noticed that often he didn’t even shake hands. You were pretty sure he didn’t want you touching him like...ever. Much though you liked Reid, he struck you as the sort of person who was more likely to bathe in hand sanitizer then willingly get too close to you, so this was...a pleasant surprise.

You returned his smile, grateful for the moment. Maybe you were imagining it, but it seemed like this would just be the start of you getting closer with Dr. Spencer Reid.

You remembered vividly what it had been like when you and the team had found Reid after Tobias Hankel kidnapped him. It wasn’t hard, since it had only been a few weeks ago. It had only been a few weeks since Reid had hugged you so tight that you might have told him you couldn’t breathe if you hadn’t been so focused on holding him just as tightly. You had apologized over and over, and he had, of course, told you it wasn’t your fault.

The weeks after that had been harder though. You had seen the haunted look in your eyes, and you knew that no matter how hard you tried it was sometimes reflected in your eyes. You never told him, but you had nightmares about it. About watching him die. Only in your dreams, he didn’t come back.

Eventually though, after a night out with the team where you were declared designated driver, you were forced to confront it. You were dropping him off at his place when he invited you in, and you couldn’t bring yourself to say no. You just wanted to prolong this...peacefulness, before the night terrors came for you.

“It’s not much,” he apologized, ushering you into a home that seemed to mostly be filled with books.

“I think you have 8 different sets of encyclopedias just in this room alone,” you laughed.

“12, actually,” he corrected.

You turned to him, smiling. “’Not much.’ Seems like plenty to me. I’d kill to live surrounded by this many books.”

He laughed nervously, and you two ended up sitting on the couch a good healthy 6 inches apart. You hated it. Hated that you were just close enough to imagine that you could feel his body heat, but that you couldn’t, not really, and that distracting urge to just lean over and rest your head on his shoulder. It was infuriating. So, when you got up to use the bathroom, you might have sat back down just slightly closer than your original starting point. 

After a few more moments of staring numbly at the screen and noticing that Reid also wasn’t paying attention, you spoke.

“You’re not really watching this, are you?”

He jolted. “What? No, of course I am. The social hierarchies of the Chacma baboon are actually quite fascinating-”

“Reid,” you interrupted. “They stopped talking about the Chacma baboon 20 minutes ago. We’re onto the Cape Sugarbird now.”

“Oh. Right.”

You two trailed off into an awkward silence before you spoke again.

“Spencer...you know you can talk to me, right?”

“I-I’m fine.”

“If you were fine, I would be more worried about you than I am right now, Spence. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but something is making those dark circles under your eyes darker than usual.”

“Like you’re one to talk.” His tone strained to sound light. “You’ve been looking more and more sleep-deprived lately. The rest of the team hasn’t noticed I don’t think, but if anyone is worrying, it’s me. What’s on your mind?”

“You’re deflecting,” you deflected.

“So are you.”

Damn profilers.

“Okay. I tell you what keeps me up and night and you tell me if you’re comfortable with that?”

It’s quiet for a minute while he thinks about it. 

“Yeah, okay.”

“I’ve been having nightmares. You know how everyone has a nightmare that’s like, the nightmare? Mine used to be finding the body of this teenage girl. Now it’s just you. Watching you die over and over again, except in this version-” Your voice breaks, and you take a deep breath to steady yourself. “In this version, I’m right there next to you, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

There is silence for a long moment.

“I’m an addict. Tobias drugged me with Dilaudid and I keep craving it. I’m trying...I’m trying not to use, but it’s hard. It’s so, so hard.”

“Spence.” It’s a soft sound, breathless. “You could have told me.”

You didn’t ask why he didn’t.

“I could have. But it’s embarrassing. I should be able to beat this. I have an IQ higher than Einstein’s and I can’t beat basic drug addiction?”

“Well, if you have an IQ higher than Einstein’s than you should be smart enough to know. You can’t beat drug addiction by yourself.” Not able to stop yourself anymore, you rested your head on his shoulder. “And now you don’t have to.”

He doesn’t say thank you. Doesn’t acknowledge the offer at all, except to say one thing.

“Do you want to sleep here tonight? It might help with your nightmares, and even if it doesn’t, seeing me alive when you wake up might make you feel better.”

“Yeah. I think that could be nice.”

You tugged a strand of Spencer’s long brown hair. 

“You’re really growing this out, huh?” you said, setting a coffee down on his desk over his shoulder.

“It’s not that long.” He frowned, and you giggled.

“Yeah, it kind of is, Spence. This is the longest I’ve ever seen it.”

“Well, I haven’t exactly been hobbling into the barbers on my crutches. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” you said, sitting on his desk. “I like it. Makes you look like a cool professor.”

He frowned again.

“That was a compliment.”

“You two are weird!” Garcia lovingly gave her input as she passed by.

“Love you too Penny!” you shout.

“You didn’t buy yourself coffee today,” he noticed.

“Nope. Wasn’t in the mood.”

“But you bought me one. From your favorite cafe. Is there something going on today?”

“Nope. I’m just nice like that.” 

You pretend not to notice when, in reaching for the coffee, Spencer’s knuckles graze your thigh. You’re sure it’s just a coincidence that he’s getting closer.

“Oh my gosh!” Your scream gets the entire team looking your way.

“Did you join a boyband?” Hotch asks.

Reid, with newly shorn hair, looks confused. “No?”

He sits down, ready for briefing, but you are not done yet.

“Your hair! Your beautiful hair!” Your mourning is short-lived though, once you notice the new hair, and you gasp. “Oh my goodness, it looks so fluffy and soft. Can I touch it? I’m going to touch it.”

You cross the room to run your fingers through his hair. It’s not the first time you’ve thought about doing it, but your surprise at his new style emboldens you. It’s exactly as soft and silky as it looks. You could run your fingers through it all day. You are so entranced by his hair that you don’t even notice Spencer closing his eyes, gently leaning back into your touch.

“We do have work to do, you know,” Rossi reminds.

“Okay, okay, I’m going and sitting down.” You beam at Spencer as you take your place. “Love the hair.”

You think it might be the first time you’ve ever seen the pretty boy speechless.

When Spencer walks in with even shorter hair, you can’t help your gasp. You also can’t deny it anymore. You’ve tried to fight it for the last 4 years, but sometimes the truth slaps you in the face like a large fish (don’t ask). You were attracted to Spencer Reid. Which wouldn’t so much be a problem, except for the fact that you were also in love with him. That part? That was definitely a problem.

“You good?” 

Emily raises an eyebrow at you, and you just nod dumbly. You can’t take your eyes off of him. He looks...hot.

“You don’t seem good.” Out of all the team, Emily was the one most likely to suspect your...predicament.

“I’m fine. Fine. Totally fine.”

“Uh huh. So you gonna tell me what you were thinking when Spencer walked through that door, or am I just going to have to profile you?”

“You wouldn’t dare.” This gets your attention, and you glare at her from your seat next to her.

“Oh, I would.”

You aren’t stupid enough to doubt her.

“Wow. I was thinking, ‘wow’.”

“Well, maybe you should tell him that.” She smirks.

“Or maybe I won’t.” You laugh nervously, glaring at her, and you think that’s the end of it.

That’s not the end of it.

Somehow, and you would never figure out how, Emily had gotten you and Spencer locked in a broom closet. You couldn’t prove it was her, but you were sure. Just as sure as you were that she had not foreseen the fact that, nervous at your close proximity, Spencer would start spouting facts about small spaces, claustrophobia, and anything at all related.

“Spencer,” you tried interrupting since he was making you nervous. “Spencer. Spence!”

You reached out, grabbing him by the lapels of his jacket forcefully. Unfortunately, you had forgotten the fact that you were in a broom closet, and now it was safe to say that if you two had been close before, that was nothing compared to how close you were now. Your mouths were just inches away from each other, and you cursed yourself for all the thoughts you were having.

Spencer didn’t seem to have the same inhibitions though. Slowly, he trailed a finger down your shoulder and down your side, making you catch your breath. Eventually, his hand stopped right around your waist where, eyes focused on that point, his hand settled, wrapped around the bend in your waist to pull you even closer. You swore you couldn’t breathe.

“I was umm...I was wondering what you thought of the new haircut,” Spencer said.

“I like it.” You weren’t sure why you were whispering.

“Yeah? Emily said...she said you really liked it, but I wasn’t sure.”

You were never telling Emily anything again.

“Yeah, I do. I really, really like it. It’s super hot and-” 

Shoot. He had made you nervous, which made you ramble, and now you were going to have to change your name to Bathilda and move to Southern France because you had not meant to say that.

“You think it’s hot?” Wide, startled chocolate brown eyes stare into yours.

“Umm...” Was there even any use denying it? “Yeah. Yeah, I do. Actually, I think you’re hot. You are very, very attractive to me. And also I’m in love with you but that’s probably just an oxytocin thing because ever since you almost died I’ve been sleeping over at your place a lot and you know you’re a sleep cuddler and so somehow we always end up cuddling and so there’s the oxytocin and-”

He was kissing you. Spencer Reid was kissing you. And he was really, really good at it. Like, stupid good at it for a guy who was not known for his romantic conquests. You briefly wanted to know who taught him how to kiss like this so you could find them and punch their lights out, but then you were too busy kissing him to worry about that.

Both of his hands were on you now, one on your waist, the other cupping your face as he kissed you. Your right hand gripped the lapel of his jacket even harder as your left came up to get play with the much shorter hair at the nape of his neck. You were just about to pass out from lack of air a very, very happy girl when conveniently someone opened the closet door.

“Oh my gosh. Wait till I tell Derek! He owes me $50 now, and Rossi owes me $200 that smug jerk!” Penelope did not waste time going to collect her money.

“So...” you said, blushing.

“So...” He was rocking back and forth nervously on his feet. “You wanna go out on a date?”

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

[twodrfters]

   ‘ who am i ? who am i ? what are you even saying ?             i’m the loser of the game you didn’t know you were playing – ’ 

   was that kim jiwoo ? oh no no , that was just spinel , a canon character from steven universe . they are nineteen years old and are not aware that they are not actually from washington dc . too bad they can’t stray from this city for long .

how long has your character been here

   spinel has been here long enough to adapt . about six months ?? is convinced she moved here from out of state to further her career bc the underground scene in dc was supposed to be bitchin . 

what is your character’s job

    band member !! i don’t have a band name yet but its probably something really fucking stupid . doesn’t make sense but she likes it that way . 

where has your character been pulled from in their fandom

   she’s been pulled from the end of the movie but it doesn’t matter bc she doesn’t remember much which is great . she’s still emo though so that’s cool but she thinks she’s fucked up bc of a recent breakup which mirrors her canon situation w pink diamond bc aha i love to hurt .

has any magic affected your character

   she has no memories and she’s human !! no gem but she has a birthmark where it should be . eats , sleeps , spazzes like a human . maybe something she’d appreciate if she did remember everything sghsjk

and any other information you might find useful for us and the other members to know!!

before washington ;

   born to be nothing more than a playmate . someone to keep the other entertained and happy . she lived for her smile , her laughter . she wouldn’t have it any other way . they were playing a game , or at least that’s what she was told . stand very still in the rose garden , she said , don’t move and you’ll win . and so she stayed still for 6,000 years in fact . spinel found herself wondering if she was playing right as the roses around her began to whither . but still she stayed hopeful , hands clasped as tired reddened eyes continued to wait for the other’s return .

 she never came back . it was during a special broadcast from his son that she realized that her friend deserted her , she never came back to her . she was forgotten and thrown away and there was nothing she could do about it … other than ruin her son’s happily ever after . yeah , that felt right .

she tries her best to do so , undoing her character development after doing the same to his friends . we see her as she was before everything and when she remembers , she comes to terms with that happened . she works on herself w steven , trying her best to be his friend . it backfires as she soon feels scared he’s going to discard her like his mother did even though that is not the case . she’s scared and confused and so she continues with her plan to destroy the world .

it doesn’t work out though thanks to the gems and steven . her plan is foiled and she realizes what she did was wrong and that she also did nothing to deserve what happened to her . in the end she is sent to live with the diamonds in homeworld in order for the four of them to truly grow and start anew .

now , here in washington ;

she’s spinel ‘ ‘nel ‘ flowers . she watched scott pilgrim and was immediately whipped thank u v much . she’s also now a human so she needs to eat and sleep , her gem now replaced with a small tattoo of it instead . she’s physically eighteen y/o and is currently a member in a band . she’s main vocals , screaming her heart with a mic in her hand during their underground performances . may look cool on stage thanks to her outfits n makeup which she works on a lot but is a huge goof . her act mimics mars argo , imagine sweet girl singing unusual and eerie songs like USING YOU !!

 wanted to be an entertainer but being called a Clown as a profession was a lil turn off . so she’s sticking w the band scene . @ me if u want to plot this out or add ur character to the band bc  , , , she needs people GSJSSJ

young new york accent , think harley quinn , anyone could take one look at her and her mannerisms and swear she’s from another time ( because she is ) and she takes it as a compliment . find her constantly doing stupid shit when she’s not on stage , however . she lives for chaos and a good laugh , so much that she’d do quite literally anything for a good time . yes , poor girl is a vandal but she thinks she pulls it off quite nicely .

she’s living at her own shitty apartment , it’s small and cramped but has a homey feeling . it’s full of flowers and plants that she takes care of , her room looking more like a greenhouse than anything . pictures all over the wall as well as album art . a huge paramore and pup fan thank u very much . when a plant dies she holds a memorial service and expects everyone to come . says the stupidest shit , sometimes very crude things but she means well . can be impulsive and brash though . will get into verbal fights for the fun of it . can be seen usually as chill and uncaring though , doesn’t care about other’s opinions , only those she cares about .  

her old tendencies shine the most with said people . she lives to make her friends smile and laugh , will act up just for a chuckle , worries the most when they’re not okay .

spinel’s going through a rough patch though but she blames it on her recent bad breakup . as she closes her eyes for some good night’s rest , she finds her mind drifting to a distant place . she can smell roses , feet the grass beneath her feet , swear she sees the stars passing over her head vividly . such trances used to make her feel peaceful but lately they’ve been driving her insane . it doesn’t feel peaceful anymore . she feels like she can’t wake up from the dream sometimes , like she’s stuck there forever . due to this she tends to be a little more erratic and irritable but she’s trying her best to be okay .

 remembers bits and pieces of her canon . remembers the crystal gems , steven and pink but only their faces . when it comes to pink diamond however she remembers the various feelings felt . happiness , sadness and anger but no specifics . she’s convinced pink diamond and her were childhood friends or something . but she doesn’t talk about . she doesn’t want to since she always gets in a tizzy when she does .

[daz4i]

yknow i’m gonna keep rantin abt this bc i have juice in me

i don’t think skinny people realize how much it sucks to be fat

i spoke abt fashion earlier and well. the fashion industry is rigged against us. because we’re not meant to be seen! people don’t want to remember we exist!

buying clothes is a pain! there’s literally only one chain store in my entire country that sells clothes in my size, and they’re all really fucking ugly and meant for old ladies, mostly 

that’s one of the reasons i can only wear graphic tees tbh. they’re the only thing i can find (usually in special stores for that or ordered online) that can fit me, will be comfortable, and also not look too bad 

hoodies and other outwear and stuff? i have to buy online, usually about a few sizes more than might fit “just in case” because here they’re just not sold in my size at all! clothes that can look good in general just don’t ever get to my size tbh, even online

yknow, even if nice clothes were sold in my size, i’d probably not wear them bc like i said - we’re not meant to be seen. i’m not meant to draw looks. dressing nicely isn’t a thing i’m supposed to to. and if i did do that, i’d get mean comment, yknow? if i went in public with an outfit that draws attention, i guarantee you i’d get nasty comments about my weight.

not that i don’t get them already even when wearing bland shit, but that’s another topic lmao.

plus sized models are almost never truly fat. they’re curvy. plus sized men models are usually a bit chubby but even then, relatively flat stomaches (in comparison to their chests for example), nothing too extreme. fat girls who upload pics of them in nice outfits and get lots of love on social media? they’re all aesthetically pleasing girls, perfect fat girls. they still have the curvy body type that people like seeing, just a bit bigger. most fat people aren’t like that. you can barely see pictures of our bodies, because no one wants to see us, and that’s why we never show it.

and as i started saying earlier - going outside in general! that’s fucking terrifying to me as a fat person! i can vividly remember more than a few times people just told me gross shit over my weight - people i didn’t know, who just decided to tell me i’m fat/i should go on a diet when they saw me in public (or at school, and no, it wasn’t another student). i can’t go outside without thinking “someone is going to laugh at me because i’m fat. someone will call me out for that. someone is going to say a nasty comment”. i can’t afford to wear eye grabbing clothes, not money wise, but emotionall - because if i get people’s attention, i’ll also get bad people’s attention. but really, i don’t even need to wear unique stuff for that - it’s enough that i just exist and fatphobes will be sure to mention how gross my body is to them, whether i asked or not (spoiler alert, i never ask).

you may say “just lose weight” but it’s not easy!!!! i’ve always been fat! and i probably always will be! it’s genes, i’m guessing. really, even when i went on diets before, even when i was watching what i eat and did sports, nothing’s changed - it’s just my body. you know, when i did lose weight - about 20kg/44 lbs - nothing changed either? i went down one pants size. i still looked p much still very fat. so even if i go to a healthy weight, there’s a very good chance i’ll still look fat. also, just to be clear, i lost that weight because i couldn’t eat for about 2 months. not a very healthy way to diet, if you ask me, and yes i already gained them all back, p quickly actually, bc i wasn’t supposed to lose that weight in the first place, bc that’s my body! that’s how it looks and that’s how it is!

honestly the whole matter of losing weight is kinda fucked up too. you hear abt celebrities mention it recently, how they managed to get thin quickly by going on extreme diets that were super unhealthy and they also had personal trainers and were actually almost always hungry. and they usually don’t even start that fat either. imagine if the average fat person could even get access and afford the whole thing these celebrities have, it’d still take us months of this hell to actually be thin, which i imagine is.... not very healthy. honestly, usually when you see people lose a lot of weight in a few months, they usually only became fat in the first place p quickly too and didn’t start out as fat. if a person who has always been fat tried it, i don’t even think it’ll work. like i said about my own weight loss: my body gained this weight back super quickly, because that’s its natural form and what it’s supposed to be. maybe with an intense and strict diet for a few years i could manage to lose this much weight again. but why would i want to? especially since i have a good feeling that if i break this diet i’ll just gain it back too. and yeah, i probably would only go down by a size or two at best. 

and!!! i’m not even THAT fat!!!! when i go to that chain store i mentioned earlier, i’m actually along the lower sizes they sell! if i wear the right clothes and hold myself properly and don’t try to do things like jump or w/e, i’m still fat but it’s not a thing people really notice unless they look for it, really. i can go up in sizes when shopping in online plus size shops if i want things to fit loosely. i have it easy. THAT’S easy. i can’t even imagine what it’s like to be fatter than i am, or have less ~aesthetically pleasing~ (in the eyes of skinny people) fat destribution than i do, but i’m guessing it’s even rougher tbh.

it sucks man! it fucking sucks ass! we’re not allowed to exist! we’re not allowed to be physically seen! we’re here to be a laughing stock or to be used as a bad example or to be a villain in a kids movie, and that’s it! skinny people don’t wanna see us unless it’s in a bad context! they hate us for existing! fat = bad is such a normalized idea that even when someone points out to anyone that they gained weight, not even in a malicious way, my blood literally runs cold. scenes in movies where to show how a character is doing bad they get fat (peter b parker in spiderverse, thor in endgame are just 2 examples i have in mind rn)? that’s another way to normalize this idea. skinny people can say they don’t mind fat, that they love ~girls with a little meat on the bone~, they can go years without saying anything directly fatshaming, but they still see stuff like that - heck, even create stuff like that - and don’t realize how damaging it is and how much it makes me and probably other fat people too not want to go outside even more. fatphobia is poison you don’t even notice is in you unless you’re fat too. 

[hes-a-rainbow]

can you do an imagine when H comes home one night and the reader is in bed falling asleep and H wakes her up bc he really needs to talk. He confesses to her that he had thoughts of cheating bc he's not satisfied emotionally or physically rn. Y/n has a hard time swallowing the pill & when she calms down she realizes that she loves him so much more for actually being a man & talking to her instead of cheating. She finds him & they talk it out. With cute fluff at the end please xxx

Stay

This was a good request! I hope I did it justice.

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: angst, mentions of cheating

You were so exhausted by the time you came home from work. Your normal 8 hour shift at a local restaurant had somehow turned into 12 hours when you were swamped with an office party celebrating the end of term.

You entered my tiny apartment, shedding your clothes the further you walked in. Your feet were killing me and your bed had never felt more comfortable. You slipped under the covers in just your bra and underwear; sleep slowly taking over. You thought you heard a sound of a door but you were way too tired to even care at this point. It wasn’t until you heard something fall in the kitchen that you came to your senses. Your heart raced as you reached over to your bedside table to grab your phone. You panicked even more when you realized it was still in your purse by the front door. You jumped out of bed, grabbing one of your textbooks off of your desk. You crouched beside the door, ready to attack the intruder. You could’ve sworn You locked the front door.

Your bedroom door creaked open as a shadowy figure entered. “Babe?” You heard the familiar voice ask out into the darkness.

“Jesus, Harry! I that you were some kind of murderer!” You shouted from your position behind the door. He jumped when he heard your voice behind him, clutching his chest.

“Sorry.” He mumbled. He sauntered over to your bed, plopping himself down at the end. You placed your textbook back to its original place on the desk.

“This couldn’t wait until tomorrow? I just got off a long shift and I’m exhausted.” You walked passed him and curled back up into your sheets, exhaustion coming back to you in full force. He didn’t bother turning around as he whispered, “I kissed someone tonight.”

Your eyes shot open. “You what?” You sat up not believing my ears. You and Harry had been dating for over a year now. Lately he was away touring and you had been busy with school and work, but you never once got the inkling that he was the type of person to cheat. He had always been so faithful to you.

“I mean, well, she kissed me. And I stopped her but it…it got me thinking about us, ya know?”

You crawled over to the end of the bed where he sat. His shoulders were slanted downwards and he was staring at the floor while fiddling with the rings on his fingers. You crossed your legs to your chest making sure to leave some distance between you two. You weren’t sure if this was going to be the end of your relationship, but you had to be prepared in case it was.

“What about us?” You were so scared of what his response might be.

“I just feel like lately I never see you anymore. And I know you have school and work and I respect that but then when you have days off you’re so tired and moody. I’m trying to make time for you and I feel like you’re just pushing me aside. Do you even want to be with me?”

He finally turned his head to look at you. He looked so defeated. In all honesty you had been putting your relationship aside. You were almost done with school, only one more semester to go. You had to pick up more shifts at the restaurant where you worked so you could pay off your student loans. You were exhausted, physically and mentally. By the time you had time for Harry, you were falling asleep on him mid conversation. He said he didn’t mind, even thought it was cute, but now you knew he was lying and it was really bothering him.

“Of course! Of course I do. I’m almost done with school and I’m so close to paying off the last of my debts. I know I’ve been ignoring you but you have to understand how much graduating means to me.”

“I’m not arguing that it doesn’t mean anything. I’m just saying…maybe we shouldn’t be together right now. You obviously have other things going on and so do I. We haven’t been on a date for months and I couldn’t even tell you the last time we had sex.”

Again, everything he was saying was true. When you did get the time to see him, you would fool around for a few minutes before you were falling asleep on his couch. You didn’t know how much it had bothered him until now. Sex was the last thing on your mind when you had two papers and a lab report due. It could possibly explain why you were so hung up lately though.

You thought over his words a little more before coming back to the idea of him kissing someone else, “Where were you tonight? Tell me everything that happened.” You stared him straight in the eyes, daring him to look away. You were tired and angry and you wanted to know where he was and why this other girl had thought he was interested. 

He took a deep breath before continuing, “Nick was throwing a party and I called you to ask you if you wanted to go, but I got your voicemail so I assumed you had to stay late at work.” He stopped, falling back on your bed and letting his legs hang over the end. He looked at the ceiling as he continued, “When I got there I had a few drinks because, well, it was a party. There was a girl there that Nick introduced me to. She was really nice, you would’ve liked her.”

You scoffed at his last statement. “Doubtful,” You whispered.

“Right, that was stupid to say. Okay, so then I chatted with her for a bit and I guess I must’ve been giving her some sort of mixed signals, which I didn’t even know I was.” That part you believed. Harry was such a charming person, many people mistook it for flirting.

“…and then next thing I knew she was kissing me…” He stopped, putting his hands over his eyes, rubbing them.

“I…I didn’t stop her right away…” He removed his hands and looked over at you trying to gauge your reaction. You shook my head slowly. So this was it. This was how your relationship was going to end. Because of you.

You had to look away from him when you started to feel your eyes tearing. You didn’t want him to think you were weak.

“But I did. I did stop her. Because she wasn’t the one I wanted to be kissing.” He sat up again, moving closer to you.

“I want to be with you and I want this to work out. But you have to tell me right now if that’s what you want too.”

You were still looking away from him. You felt a tear slip and you wiped it on your bare shoulder. You were still only in your bra and underwear and suddenly felt very vulnerable. He rested his hand on your knee, rubbing it soothingly.

How could you have let this happen? You loved Harry so much but you had gotten so used to him being around that you began to be selfish. You never once thought about him actually leaving. You always imagined he would always be there, waiting for you.

It wasn’t until his confession that you realized just how much you wanted to be with him and spend the rest of your life by his side. You never wanted to think of him kissing anyone else but you. You never wanted to picture him holding anyone else the way he held you. Everything in your life reminded you of him.

Like today at work when you had spilled a glass of soda on yourself, it had reminded you of the time you went out on a date in the beginning of your relationship. Harry was so nervous and somehow managed to spill an entire glass of wine on the front of your brand new white blouse. He wanted to take you to a fancy restaurant that you would never have been able to afford on your own and you had bought it specifically for that date. And let me tell you, it had not been cheap.

He got up from the table immediately apologizing and dabbing your shirt dry. He had gotten up so fast that he knocked over his own glass on the floor, shattering it and causing the whole restaurant to look at you two. Your face had gotten redder than the stain on my shirt.

“It’s fine. It’s fine.” You were so embarrassed you just wanted to run out of there and never have to face him again. You’ll always remember how sweet he had been that night. He somehow convinced you to stay for the rest of dinner. When you had finally gotten your messes cleaned up and were brought new glasses of wine, he had looked you right in the eyes as he took his glass and poured it down the front of his shirt.

“See? Now there’s no reason to be embarrassed.” He had said smiling proudly.

You remembered walking down the street with Harry, hand in hand. You somehow managed to scrape by the paparazzi but a sneaky pedestrian had snapped a photo of you two laughing loudly and wearing your stained shirts proudly.

That night was the first time you and Harry had sex. You still remember everything so vividly, and you sometimes can still smell that exact wine if you try hard enough. You had both kept the shirts. You kept his and he kept yours. When you didn’t see him for long periods of time you would pull it out and remember the best night of your life. You always ended up falling asleep with it wrapped in your arms. One of his bandmates had once let it slip that he would pack your shirt with him every time he traveled.

It had been a long time since you had pulled that shirt out. You were always so busy, you had almost forgotten about it. You couldn’t fathom how you could ever let that happen. You couldn’t fathom how you could ever let eachother other get so far away from each other. He meant everything to you and he always had.

You had to control your breathing as you responded to his answer. “Harry, I’m so sorry.” Your voice cracked and more tears fell. He engulfed you in his arms as you sobbed into his chest, soaking his shirt. “I never meant for this to happen to us. I love you. I always have and I always will.”

“Don’t apologize. I should be the one saying sorry. And I am, I am so incredibly sorry. I was being selfish and I promise I will never do that again. I don’t even know why I did it. I was drunk and I missed you and I was so lonely. It’s not an excuse, I know, and it never will be, but please, if you let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, I swear.” You could hear in his voice that he had started crying too. You pulled away so you could look at him. He looked like a child, so lost and vulnerable. You put my hands on his face, gently thumbing away some tears, but they only kept falling from his eyes.

You kissed him, tasting the salt from both of your tears. It was a quick kiss but you needed him to know that you were still with him. “I only have one semester left. I want this to work, I do. I want things to be like they were in the beginning. We can work something out. I have a break coming up in school and, if you want, we could go somewhere. Just us two. Somewhere secluded.” You knew your job wouldn’t be happy with you taking a whole week off, but to hell with them. The only thing you cared about at the moment was Harry.

“Yes. Yes.” He kissed you with each word. “I’ll call Jeff tomorrow morning and I’ll him to cancel all my meetings. We can go wherever you want, you name it. I love you.”

“I love you too.” He kissed you again as you leaned back into your mattress. You felt him swipe his tongue at your lips and you pulled away, “Harry…I’m sorry. But I can’t not after what happened tonight with you and–”

“I understand. I understand completely.” He was still lying on top of you.

“I can go, if you want me too.” He whispered, starting to pull away. You could see in his eyes he was afraid you would make him leave.

“Stay. Always stay.” You responded. He placed a kiss on your forehead before rolling onto his side. Your back was to his chest as you tangled your legs together.

As soon as you closed your eyes, you were falling asleep, but not before you heard him whisper, “I love you. Forever.”

Masterlist 🌈