#but the fact that i was firm and like. pissed off on my own behalf?

[teethcore]

ok so i guess the good thing about having Extreme Compartmentalization Disorder is that when there are enough horrible, painful, and stressful factors, i section off my feelings into a guy, and that lets me accomplish things i would've otherwise been incapable of?

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 212

Whew. Last week was insane.... I’ll create a separate post for that, probably tomorrow. Too many people to thank this week!

@baelpenrose, obviously, not just for beta reading, but for helping me through the overwhelming amounts of stress I’ve been dealing with recently - up to and including being willing to submit my own chapter to my blog so I can try to post it from mobile while I was driving for 13 hours last Tuesday.

Guess what? You can’t post submissions from mobile. -_-  But that mfer certainly tried.

@generalperfectionbread, @peterpanpeanutbutter, @necromancer04, @et103, and @janeshadow for always jumping on each chapter. @lwgph for reblogging quite literally all of the chapters. All of them. @gam3rgur1, who catches up whenever time permits.

And finally, new follower who I know only by slight reputation but cannot wait to hear their thoughts, C.

Alistair started drafting the brief to the Ark population while everyone else started debating on who would be our primary voice when speaking with Odvub.  I had immediately bowed out when it was decided we would ask them to petition on our behalf - not only for the sake of Conor’s ongoing sanity, but also because I was admittedly enamoured with Odvub’s overwhelming presence.  Names were thrown out and argued over for nearly half an hour before I cleared my throat.

“My vote is for Grey.” I was proud of how firm and unmoving my tone was.

Xiomara was more curious than skeptical when she responded. “Why Grey, specifically?”

Completely ignoring the fact that most people in the meeting couldn’t see me, I started counting off on my fingers. “When Odvub was shown to the Council for the first time, Grey was curious.  Everyone else was awestruck, afraid, anxious, or some combination of the three. Grey wasn’t. They showed the exact same amount of curiosity that they show toward a new plant hybrid or an interesting problem.”

“Both of which we trust their judgment on, without question,” Huynh agreed with me. “It makes sense. I second the idea.”

“I am concerned about their legal knowledge,” Xio sighed. “I’m not advocating for myself, believe me. But Eino might be a better choice.”

Pranav scoffed. “No offense intended, Eino, but you are rather known for your passive neutrality. We need someone who will argue if we are initially told no.”

“No offense taken,” Eino’s voice assured. “I selected my preferred successor for that exact reason. Listening and patience are all well and good with a decade to make decisions, but urgency is not my strong suit.”

“Are you suggesting Professor Farro negotiate?” Grey asked, confused.

Several voices - including Arthur’s - barked in disagreement. “Not happening,” Arthur stated flatly. “We want to make a good impression, and despite what you all think, I’m more likely to piss off the Galactic AI by making a Lysol joke.”

Laughter broke the tension briefly before I picked up the reins again. “So, Eino declines, two votes for Grey so far.  I suggest we make this a unanimous decision - we’re talking about the literal future of our species here.  None of us wants to be the one who said nay, no matter which way this goes.”

Murmurs agreed with me. “What about Administrator Costa?” Pranav suggested. “Miss Harper and Professor Farro handled negotiations with the S’crirs, so there is precedent on having one of our mentees take the reins here.”

Almost as though it was rehearsed, Antoine bowed out. “I am disinclined to argue.”

Tyche snorted before mouthing at me. “Liar.”

After a few more minutes of suggestions and people bowing out, Grey called the vote themselves. “I think we have narrowed our pool of candidates adequately, and I am amenable to the appointment if that is what the Council determines. Are there any direct objections?”

Very succinct, I thought approvingly. Quit waiting for agreement and straight out ask for the nays.

After a very precise forty-five second pause, Xiomara spoke. “No objections spoken. Grey, you’re our voice and may gods above and below be with you.”

“Should they exist, they have much more to answer for than my success or failure in this endeavor,” Grey replied wryly. “We should adjourn while Pranav sets up the connection.  Xiomara, if you could send me the legal precedents that you have on hand regarding our rights and the case law that Her Majesty sent over, it would be appreciated.”

I left the audio open during the recess, but muted the end in my office so that we could speak freely. “How do we feel about that?” I asked, glancing around.

Hannah tilted her head side to side. “I think Grey is a good choice, but I’m surprised that Evania wasn’t suggested as well.”

Parvati almost stifled a grin successfully, but Tyche had no such compunctions. “Evan has phenomenal judgement of safety and an exhaustive comprehension of rules and laws.  She is also incredibly bound by the chain of command, so the risk that she would see Odvub as in a position of authority is too high.”

I nodded, along with Parvati. Alistair added “She does return books in a very timely manner, which I believe speaks highly of her respect for others - however, I also think it affirms her adherence to regulation.”

Quietly, I moved to assist Alistair in the short-term release to the Ark. After some careful debate, we reworded a few things to make sure the population was informed but not in a state of panic and added a disclaimer to reach out to your mental health partner or partners during this time.

We were very careful to not even remotely word that as a suggestion.

By the time the release was approved and being sent, Pranav alerted us that the connection with Odvub was on standby. “I would like to advise that the connection cannot be limited to audio only, as a significant portion of their language is via gesture.  My team will, however, be running translation to audio only as close to parallel as we can get it for those who believe they will be overwhelmed.”

Voice still muted from my office, I gave everyone a stern look. “If you wish to view the full communication, please feel free to do so from your personal datapad. I will have the local connection set to translation audio only.”

Tyche and Alistair nodded but didn’t move. Hannah and Parvati, however, transitioned closer to my desk so they would not be in our line of sight - understandable, seeing as they had not seen Odvub the first time.  It did not go amiss that Tyche flicked open her own datapad before glancing at them both, a pretty obvious sign that she was monitoring vitals.

“Ready,” Grey confirmed after everyone else had given their status. Antoine had moved to another location for audio only and medical monitoring on his mentor.

Even through the translation channel, the chiming symphony could be heard.  It made me glad that I had outright refused to handle this interaction, along with validating my decision to record the translation for later review.

“Greetings, Terran Council.” Thankfully, the translation software had given Odvub a neutral alto with flat affectation. “How may we assist you?”

My databand vibrated, and I twitched it open to find a message from Arthur. “They were not kidding about the hive minds, huh?”

Grey responded, sparing me from my need to respond to the clearly rhetorical question. “Greetings, Odvub. We have been advised that the Eko-mari fleet has petitioned to provide quarantine for our new colony world, and have reason to believe the request will be granted. However, we also believe it will be detrimental to our species in both short and long term.  As such, we request that you file petition on our behalf with the Galactic Council.”

Another message from Arthur. “Not a punch pulled. I approve.”

“This is a legitimate concern,” Odvub immediately replied, the artificial voice taking on a choral quality as it split momentarily. “Please advise your logic, so that we can make a sound decision.”

That was interesting… Odvub literally was the Galactic Database. In theory, they already had all this information.

Grey, however, was nonplussed. “We have already experienced the Eko-mari view of non-hive species: they view us as primitive, and more so for those species who have biological or psychological gender.  They grudgingly admit our sentience, but on a scale of ‘just barely’.  Additionally, while the information quarantine is a standard part of species relocation, we have a substantial amount of evidence of overreach on their part.”

We did?

Odvub hesitated when Grey stopped speaking. “Please elaborate on your evidence of overreach.”

“Ordinarily, I would provide files,” Grey admitted. “And if you would like, I still can after I explain. Regardless, not only myself, but my peer Pranav Raganathan and Miys has experienced multiple instances in which data that we earned through rigorous research and testing has gone missing.  None of our computer experts can locate the data in the Ark computers. Most importantly, Miys cannot locate it either.”

Tyche slammed the voice mute from our side as I surged to my feet. “They WHAT???!”

“We have had to reconstruct our research twice, once from zero, and once from memory and passive storage, just in the time since we joined with their fleet,” Grey continued, clearly unable to hear my roaring objection. “Since the second incident, we keep any new data on passive storage only.”

I stomped, hands fisted, growling at this new information. My databand vibrated, and I shook my wrist ferociously to open it, fully intending to dismiss. Rather than being from Arthur, it was from Pranav. “We only recently determined with the support of Miys that this was due to Eko-mari influence, which is why it has not been brought to the attention of the Council. Prior to Gamma shift yesterday, it was believed to be system error or human error.”

The feeling of being out of the loop subsided, but the anger at the overstep from the Eko-mari remained.

“Yes, we are aware. We have been attempting to interfere with the direct loss of earned data to the best of our abilities,” Odvub confirmed. “Miys alerted us and have been instrumental in ensuring we are able to facilitate your research to the best of our functions.”

“Oh.” Grey paused, clear that this was new information.  Good to know I wasn’t the only one who was entirely out of the loop. “That greatly lowers the need for explanation.” I could see in my mind how they would straighten their spine when they regained steady ground. “We have come to the determination that, in addition to loss of hard earned knowledge, we would be prevented from any gains regarding stellar observations from Von if the Eko-mari fleet were entrenched as quarantine patrol.”

“This would contravene the Terran taboo against censorship,” Odvub stated unequivocally. “There is an established right among refugee species to maintain social taboos. This is a valid concern.”

“On those grounds - violation of taboo on multiple levels - will you agree to be our petitioner to the Galactic Council?”

I didn’t need to see my peers to know that we all held a collective breath.

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[inadaydream99]

When They See You With Another Guy ~ with The Boyz

Requested by anon

A/N- Hi, thanks for requesting! This has taken ages for me to write but I hope you enjoy! ☺️

Sangyeon

Sangyeon had been minding his own business, walking along the street, when his eyes landed on you stood talking with a guy he’d never seen before

It wasn’t that he was jealous, but he doesn’t like the fact that the wide smile on your face is because of someone other than him

He’s confused… should he go over to you or just keep walking and talk to you about it later???

But he decides it’s best to wait until he has a chance to talk to you properly. Though that doesn’t mean he’s not replaying the scene over in his head all day

You burst into laughter upon hearing Sangyeon’s question. It really does make you feel amused that he’d been so obviously concerned about it all day

“That was my friends boyfriend. We’d just so happened to bump into each other in the street and had a little catch up, that’s all.” You clear things up instantly

Sangyeon’s instantly chuckles, his hand awkwardly scratching his neck until you reach out and hold it, intwining your fingers together

Jacob

Being an incredibly rational person, it’s probably expected that seeing you with another guy wouldn’t bother Jacob much

Except, it really really does…

There’s this underlying protectiveness within him that he only has for his members and his s/o

So when he sees that you are close to another guy, its almost shocking how mad it makes him

Of course, Jacob is mature enough to manage his emotions when in public situations. But the instant you’re alone, it’s a completely different story

“Who was that guy you were talking to earlier?” Jacob controls the conversation, staring you directly in the eyes as a seriousness encompasses you both

“He’s just a friend from work, more of an acquaintance really.” You reassure, placing a gentle hand onto his arm in an attempt to calm his tense posture

“How come you didn’t introduce me then. You always introduce me…” Jacob remains firm, a jealous tinge emerging through his tone

You can tell it’s taking a lot for him to hold his emotions in this moment. Although, his anger isn’t aimed towards you, but your handsome colleague

“Truthfully.” You emit a deep breath. “He’s a huge fan of yours and when I offered to introduce you he said he was too nervous.”

Upon hearing this confession, a huge grin explodes onto Jacob’s face

He’s relieved, the soft laugh you love so much making an appearance as he pulls you into his arms and presses a loving kiss atop your head

Younghoon

Younghoon had been acting off all night, everyone had noticed it, but no one was really sure why he looked so pissed

It wasn’t until you’d managed to get him alone that you were able to fully understand, and honestly, you weren’t too impressed by his reason

“So I’m not allowed to talk to any guys.” You defensively sass, arms folded across your chest to close yourself off from your childish boyfriend

“No, I’m not saying that. I just don’t like it when guys get to friendly with you.” Younghoon grumbles moodily

“So you don’t trust me, that’s what you’re saying?” You sarcastically laugh, it’s really hard to believe he’s acting this way over such an insignificant thing

The ‘thing’ in question isn’t insignificant to Younghoon, however. Especially when you seemed so much happier hanging out with your guy friend than him

“Of course I trust you, it’s just him I don’t trust!” Younghoon completely looses his cool, throwing his arms up in frustration

Hearing his blatant jealousy leaves you at a loss for words, so you simply shake your head in disappointment, walking away from Younghoon before one of you says something you’ll regret

Hyunjae

He couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw you laughing at the guys words… was he really that funny?

Jaehyun isn’t sure, after all, he’s not a part of the conversation

His bottom lip instantly juts out into a pout as he continues to watch your interaction. I mean, what did he do for you to treat him like this?

“What’s the sulky face for?” You chuckle as soon as you approach him, unaware of how upset you’ve made him

“Your friend seems like a funny guy.” He avoids your question, taking a sip of his drink to take away the sour taste left in his mouth

You raise your brows at your boyfriends words. It’s not your fault he’s jealous, but either way, you aren’t about to stir up an argument

“I mean, I’ve met funnier…” you trail off, failing to hide the teasing smirk that twinges at the corner of your lips

“Like who?” Hyunjae’s eyes go wide at your statement, he’d clearly missed what you were insinuating

“You’re so cute.” Is all you respond with, chuckling in amusement at how he’s being so endearingly obvious with his emotions

And it seems as though it does the trick, Hyunjae finally smiling once again as you enjoy each others company

Juyeon

Juyeon doesn’t want to make something out of nothing, but when you spend the morning rushing around getting ready instead of paying attention to him, it hurts him a little

Instead of verbalising his emotions, he decides to catch your attention in another way

Purposefully strolling out of your room and into the living space of your apartment in only his pants, Juyeon stretches his arms out and rolls his head back, sighing loudly to catch your attention

“Ju, have you seen my phone?” You whiz past him without a second glance

“It’s right here, on the table.” He calls out, lounging back onto the sofa as casually as he can (except it’s in no way casual)

“Thank y-” your words cut off as soon as you take him in, mouth agape as your mind goes empty of all thoughts, well except one…

“Have a nice time today and I’ll see you for dinner.” Juyeon beams at you.

However desperately he wants to make you decide to stay with him instead of meeting your guy friend, he would never admit it out loud

“Can I have a kiss goodbye?” You timidly ask, almost as if you haven’t asked him that before

Juyeon snickers as he stands up and pulls you into him, one hand falling delicately onto your waist and the other caressing your cheek

You complain when he only leaves a simple peck on your lips, eager for more

Juyeon’s just happy to know you are no longer in a rush to leave, and that’s enough to make him feel content for the rest of the day until you come back home to him

Kevin

Kevin wouldn’t really mind seeing you hanging out with guy friends, just as long as you are open with him about it

He’s not the type to get jealous often, and even then it’s only to tease you

“You know, we haven’t spend much time together lately.” He pouts after hearing that you’re heading out to see a male friend of yours

It’s the first day in a long time that Kevin has some time off and he was really hoping you would be around to share it with him

“Don’t make me feel worse about it, I’ve had this arranged for ages…” you sigh, accepting his hand as you take a moment to come up with a compromise

“You know you could just make it clear that you’re gonna hang out with your boyfriend.” Kevin softly suggests, his tone insinuating the slight bitterness he’s been trying to cover up

“Kevin…” you whine.

His laughter only makes you roll your eyes as you realise he’s been messing with you. So you playfully shove him away when he attempts to pull you into a hug

Chanhee

Is Chanhee bothered to see you spending so much time with another guy at the company party? On the outside it’s a firm no, but inside he’s not pleased

It’s not your fault that you’d made friends with the staff, and that the closest friend was a male staff

Honestly, every part of Chanhee wants to sassily stroll over to you and your friend and make it very clear that you have a boyfriend

But he’s hesitant, it’s really taken a blow to his confidence…

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” You perch on the chair beside your solemn looking boyfriend. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m… just feeling a little under the weather.” Chanhee fibs. He doesn’t like lying to you, but deep down he knows he’d feel much worst making you feel bad for spending time with friends

“Do you want to go home?” You offer, a soft smile on your face to reciprocate your boyfriends when he nods, accepting your hand and intertwining your fingers together as you make your way out of the party

Changmin

You feel an arm wrap around your waist, tugging you closer into the person beside you, a light gasp escaping your lips from the unexpected presence of your boyfriend

Changmin’s eyes are fiercely trained on the guy stood opposite you, baring his gritted teeth as he boldly interrupts your conversation

“…this is my boyfriend Changmin…” you hesitate, introducing him in a feeble attempt to break the tense silence

“And who are you?” Changmin spits, impatience radiating off of him as the stranger takes a second to comprehend the simple question

“Minnie-” Changmin’s head snaps to you, your sentence falling short just from his enraged stare

“I asked him. Who. Are. You.” His tone is sharp, making it evermore clear that he needs an answer instantly.

“I’m (Y/N)’s cousin.”

“Oh.” Changmin’s shoulders slump… he feels stupid

And that’s when you take the opportunity to apologise to your cousin on Changmin’s behalf, before excusing you both

“I’m so sorry-” Changmin’s doe eyes plead at you. “I just get too ahead of myself sometimes.”

“It’s ok, you didn’t mean any harm.” You comfort, accepting the fact that Changmin is just very territorial over you

And later on, Changmin makes the effort to make amends with your cousin himself

Haknyeon

One thing that Haknyeon absolutely adores is the way you look at him as though he’s the only person you see, your eyes glimmering with complete admiration at anything and everything he does

So when he thinks that you are giving another guy a very similar look, it makes him feel a way he’s never felt before

“Yeah, I know what I saw. Don’t be stupid.” Haknyeon continues to walk away from you, his tone cold as he refuses to even spare you a glance

“But I really don’t know what I’ve done?” You chase after him, finally catching up when he has to stop to unlock the front door

“Oh come on! You were practically undressing him with your eyes!” He finally turns to you, waiting for you to come back at him with a defensive comment

Except you don’t, you just gawk at him in disbelief

“If you really believe that I’d even flirt with the idea of having eyes for anyone other than you, then why are we together?” You break the silence, your voice barely audible but leaving an echo in Haknyeon’s mind as he speechlessly watches you walk away

Sunwoo

He acts on his emotions first, rationality coming in second

So when he sees you with a guy he’d never encountered before, he feels hurt and betrayed

“I don’t get it Sunwoo, why are you so mad at me?” You frustratedly brush your hand through your hair, repeating the question for the thousandth time that evening

Sunwoo simply continues to ignore you, choosing to focus all his attention onto the tv as he grabs the remote and it flicks onto some random channel

His frown deepens when you move to block his view of the tv, pleading at him as best as you can

“Instead of annoying me why don’t you go back to that guy you were falling all over earlier.” Sunwoo finally speaks, his harsh tone and bitter words making your mouth go dry, chest tight as you feel your heart sink to your stomach. Is this really what he thinks?

“Sorry what?” You question back, finding it hard to believe you’ve heard him correctly

Seeing the pure horror on your face from his accusation makes Sunwoo feel instant regret

“That was my best friends brother, you know the one I’ve known since I was a baby?” You defensively explain

You watch as Sunwoo’s eyes widen in realisation, his face morphing through multiple emotions before it finally fixes into one of shame

“I’m so sorry (Y/N). How could I have been so stupid.” He stands from the sofa, closing the distance that had been created between you during your disagreement

He watches cautiously as his hand reaches out to take yours, letting out a breath of relief when you don’t resist as he intertwines your fingers together

“It’s ok, it’s and easy misunderstanding.” You meekly smile at him. “Just ask me next time, instead of getting all jealous about it.”

“I promise.” You chuckle as Sunwoo rolls his eyes, before pulling you into his embrace

Eric

“(Y/N), there you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Eric playfully scolds you through a wide smile, his heart filling with pride when you giggle at him

He’d wanted to seem casual in his approach to you, fully intending on making it known to your colleague that you are happily taken

“Nice to see you again Eric.” Your colleague nods, holding his hand out for Eric to shake, which Eric begrudgingly accepts

You don’t notice the forced smiles between the two, staying civil for the sake of appearances even though they both share the same distaste for one another

“You too.” Eric mumbles, turning his attention onto you, the sole reason for his endurance of being accommodating towards such an unpleasant guy (in his opinion anyway)

“We really should get going now, it’s already past when we agreed we should leave.” Eric affectionately reminds you, leaning down to press a light kiss to your forehead in the process

“You could stay with me if you don’t want to leave yet. I’ll take care of you.” Your colleague speaks up the second you let out a light “oh” in realisation of the time

This proposition, however, makes Eric tense instantly, which doesn’t go unnoticed by you.

“Actually I’m ready to go, just need to say goodbye to my boss.” You delicately place your hand on Eric’s arm as a way of comfort, before slipping away to say your goodbyes

Eric simply sends a taunting smirk towards your colleague, his look speaking a thousand words, before sauntering away

[the-cult-of-russo]

Push and Pull (part 7)

Pairing: Matt Murdock x OC

Warnings: cursing.

----------

Later that day, Daphne was trying to distract herself from her jumbled thoughts. Between Matt and whatever the Italians were planning, she just wanted to chill. She had Breaking Bad on her laptop as she leisurely lay on the couch in sweatpants and a t-shirt. It would be dinner time soon and she was considering ordering take out so she didn't have to cook. She was pretty sure she didn't have much in anyway. Halfway through an episode, there was a knock at her door. She groaned as she stood, stretching her arms over her head until her back made a satisfying pop. Glancing out the peephole, she saw Foggy standing there. She groaned again before swinging the door open. 

"Daphne!" He grinned like he was surprised to see her in her own home despite him clearly coming here to see her. Her eyes drifted to his right hand which was holding a plastic bag.

"Can I help you, Foggy?" She asked patiently. 

"I was just… you know… in the neighbourhood and figured I'd swing by… with burgers," he flashed her a toothy smile and she folded her arms over her chest.

"Did Matt send you?" She asked suspiciously. She really hoped not, she wanted him to believe she was a grade A bitch and leave her alone.

"No, I just wanted to talk. But maybe when I did mention the possibility of me dropping in, Matt maybe seemed semi interested which may have made me more determined," he said vaguely. 

Foggy was almost as tiring as Matt but in a different way. She waved her hand to signal he could come in as she padded back over to the couch. He came in seeming more relaxed than the last time he was here and plonked himself down with ease into the armchair. 

"Look, I just wanna say that I'm sorry about Matt’s attitude," he started. She held a hand up right away to stop him.

"Stop. Don't apologise on his behalf when you've not done anything wrong. That's shit and means nothing. It's not your job to be apologising for him… besides, I haven't exactly been great either," she admitted reluctantly. He gave a tentative smile and nodded as he took out a burger from the bag. She took it with a grateful smile and started munching on it since she was so hungry. 

"I get it. I mean kind of. Matt's weird with you, obviously I'm his best friend so he's much nicer to me. He can still be an asshole at times though. But seeing you guys at the office was really something. Your personalities are a lot alike, I think," he mused as he bit into his own burger. Her jaw dropped, offence coloured her features.

"I'm nothing like him!" She argued with a scoff. He chuckled and gave her a lopsided grin.

"Mhm… sure. Either way, as much of an ass he can be, he's trying okay? Maybe… maybe you could also try a little harder to be nice," he suggested gently. She wanted to throw her burger at him but he wasn't completely wrong. She hadn't been making it easy but it was simply because she didn't like how she felt when she was around him.

"Can't make any promises," she retorted vaguely as she took another bite. Foggy just nodded, seeming to realise that was the best he would get from her.

"I do wanna say thanks though. For helping him when he really needed it. It means a lot to me that he has someone other than me who he can count on," he murmured softly. She glanced at him at the sincerity in his tone as she finished off her burger. 

"Can I ask you a personal question?" She asked curiously. 

"Only if I can ask one after," he bargained with a cheeky grin. She fully expected it though and nodded. It was only Foggy after all. She doubted it would be anything too crazy.

"Great, then shoot," he said confidently. 

"Do you ever just get sick of it? Being friends with the Devil of Hell's Kitchen? I mean if he goes down, you go down too. And not to mention the constant worry of him getting hurt or winding up dead," she said carefully. She remembered the tension between the friends at the office earlier. She wondered if they'd argued about Matt getting shot. 

Foggy looked conflicted for a second as he shifted in his seat. After a moment, he levelled a steady gaze at her.

"Matts like a brother to me. Sometimes I wish it was different. I didn't even find out about his secret until not too long ago. Sometimes I wished it was easy like it was back then. But it's not. And as hard headed as he is and as much as I worry, he's a good man. He wants to help people and make a real difference. So if I have to stress out about him getting hurt then it's the least I can do. He saves lives out there, more than the cops do. He genuinely makes a difference and I believe in what he does," he didn't falter in his speech and she found a pang of envy at how much Foggy seemed to care for Matt. There was such a strong loyalty there. 

She just nodded, accepting his words. There wasn't really a follow up to it; she was just curious about it. She guessed they could argue about Matt's safety until the world stopped rotating, but in the end Matt would always be Daredevil and Foggy would always back him up.

"What about you? Do you have any family or friends?" It was a simple question that he'd chosen but it made her uneasy nonetheless. She blew out a sigh and leaned back more on the couch.

"I've got family. My parents and an older sister and brother. My parents live in Hawaii now and my brother is a fancy brain surgeon. My sister Lisa lives in the suburbs. Two kids and a husband, living the housewife life," she snorted softly.

"Are you close to them?" He prompted curiously. She shook her head softly.

"Not super close I guess. I'd always been the odd one out growing up. Liked to use my fists, got in trouble a lot. Not really what my parents wanted from me and I didn't exactly live up to the reputation of my brother and sister. I'm closest to Lisa out of all of them but… we live very different lives. I don't get to see her or the kids too much," she admitted softly. Honestly it made her sad to think about. She'd never been super close with her parents or brother but Lisa always tried. Tried to be there and to understand her no matter how vastly different they were. She hadn't seen her niece and nephew in almost 6 months which felt like a lifetime. 

"What about friends?" Foggy asked cautiously. The pair were well aware this was more than the one personal question they'd agreed on but she allowed it anyway since it was connected.

"Does Brett count?" She snorted sheepishly. Foggy barked a laugh at her answer and shook his head.

"Oh no. That's so sad," he laughed. She found herself chuckling with him despite the fact he was right. 

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit abrasive. Not the best way to make friends," she smirked. He just shook his head ruefully.

"Well we need to work on your people skills. But for what it's worth, you've got a friend in Foggy Nelson," he grinned at her. She smiled and lowered her head.

"I don't know, Foggy. You're way too cheerful to be tainted by my darkness," she teased. He tossed his burger wrapper at her but she caught it.

"Now see, that just means we balance each other out well. I mean, you have seen who I'm best friends with, right?" He smirked. He wasn't exactly wrong. 

"Can't argue with that," she snorted. 

She found she didn't mind Foggy's company as much as she thought she would. He wasn't confusing and he was easy to be around. And she didn't have the urge to be a complete bitch to him like she did with most people. 

"Alright, I need to head back to the firm. We’re working late tonight on a case," he said as he stood. She followed suit and walked him to the door. 

"Thanks for stopping by and for the food," she murmured gratefully. She meant it too. He gave her a bright grin and nodded.

"Anytime. Thanks for letting me in and saving my best friend," he chortled. Rolling her eyes good naturedly, she pointed to the hallway. He laughed as he stepped outside. 

"Hope to see you soon, Daphne," he smiled before disappearing down the hallway. 

She blew out a breath before walking back to her trusty couch and flopping onto it. Foggy seemed like a good friend and he wanted to be friends with her. She found herself naturally trusting him and it didn't even bother her. The only issue was who he was best friends with. How could she be friends with Foggy and avoid Matt? It wasn't practical. But she enjoyed having someone to talk to like Foggy and the feeling of companionship he brought her. Now her brain hurt again. She decided on cleaning up the rubbish from the food and tidying up a little to clear her mind.

-------------

Foggy felt good as he strolled into the office. He felt like his trip had gone well. He really didn't know why Matt and Daphne seemed to butt heads so much, she was always pleasant to him. Then again, he was Foggy Nelson. He had the bag with the one remaining burger and as he walked inside the office, he tossed it on the desk in front of Matt.

"It's cold," Matt muttered with a frown as he got it out. Foggy didn't even feel bad, snorting as he sat in the seat on the opposite side of the desk.

"Yeah. I went to see Daphne and we ended up talking for a bit," he said casually, keeping his eyes on his best friend. He saw Matts eyebrows raise slightly before he forced himself to look neutral. Matt cared. He cared about everyone in this city, it's why he did what he did. He even cared about the welfare of the girl who pissed him off and confused him.

"Really? And uh… was she… alright?" Foggy almost snorted at how not nonchalant his friend was being. 

"She was fine. It was nice really. We ended up talking about her family and stuff," he replied, still watching Matts reactions. Matt actually looked stunned by that revelation as he started to eat his cold burger.

"I would have thought that was too personal to ask about," he said flippantly. 

"Yeah well, it's amazing what she's willing to talk about when you're not an asshole," Foggy teased, causing Matt to roll his eyes. He knew Matt was dying to know what he found out but that he was stubborn enough not to ask. He decided to just tell him anyway. It wasn't anything overly personal so he didn't feel like he was doing anything wrong by sharing what she'd told him.

"Her parents moved to Hawaii. From what she said it sounds like they don't really talk. Her brother's a neurosurgeon and I don't think she talks to him much either. Then her older sister, Lisa I think, lives in the burbs with two kids and a husband. She said she gets on with her sister the most but how they live different lives. But I don't know, man. She seemed… lonely. It was sad. I mean, when I asked if she had friends her only response was Brett," he explained sounding mortified.

"Jesus," Matt muttered, eyebrows raised as he set the wrapper down after finishing his burger.

"Exactly. But I let her know that I'm willing to be a friend if she needs one. And maybe if you were a little nicer then you could be too. Being isolated isn't a good feeling, Matt. She needs friends. She might not go out and kick ass like you, but she's still into some heavy shit. She needs support," Foggy lectured. 

Matt huffed a little and rubbed his temples as he looked over the desk at him.

"Why are you so set on this? We butt heads and I don't think it's going to change. Even when I'm nice to her, she flips like a switch. She's confusing and infuriating and there's no point in me trying," he insisted firmly.

"Fine, I'll leave it for now. But just try to keep it in mind. She might be the PI but I like to think I'm good at reading people. I don't think she's used to people really caring about her and maybe that makes her defensive and lash out? I'm not a psychologist, I don't really know. But maybe next time she goes all bitch mode, you just try to be patient with her," Foggy suggested carefully. Matt pursed his lips and just nodded stiffly. Foggy wasn't sure he was even listening at this point but at least he tried. He honestly thought the pair of them could do good things together if they got their heads out of their asses and worked as a team. 

[maximumninjavoid]

The third chapter of the new unnamed fic

And the worst part? I had it mostly done and then Writer Plus hiccuped and it was gone......so then I had to re-do it. So, what,, now I’m my own beta?  I guess cause I couldn’t pay anyone to read this shit.....and I’ve added characters that are thinly veiled copies modeled after actual humans I know and or actual humans I hope to know. And and all errors are my own.

I drove home from work with the top down and the heat on. I know. I do it a lot. The sun was still out, it was pretty and there's not much space you have to heat in The Teeny Car. Maybe THAT was the one dumb ass thing I could do with my windfall. I could have her spiffed up and give her that V8 transplant i'd been dreaming about. Silly, isn't it? When most girls were mad about horses, I was mad about horsepower. There's the proof I was that unicorn. I could drive the he'll out of a manual transmission, parallel park, cook AND suck dick. Quite the catch, I know. I took my bra off, priorities you know, puttered around the house until I couldn't put it off any more, and then I checked. I thought I may have been mistaken. I checked again. It was still 2020, so, I checked again, and then I screamed. Two hundred and twenty seven million dollars. Well. That, as they say, changes everything. I sat down in the middle of the front room. I wasn't entirely certain my legs would hold me up. Remember all those plans? I sure couldn't. I realize some of you won't understand but I felt like a pinball machine that hit TILT. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". I grabbed a pen and a notebook and started taking notes. People I wanted to take care of, people who could eat a bag of dicks and explode. What I was going to do until they figured out this Covid shit, because I couldn't travel, could I? I needed a lawyer. Fast. And I needed investing advice. And I wanted to do things that mattered. Maybe try and undo some of the things that cheeto shitgibbon did. I had some dinner and thought about all the wild things I could do. I could go to Barrett Jackson, with a car carrier, and buy a bunch of resto mods. I could buy the house next door and move in my own personal mechanic, and build a ten car garage; with a lift and a turn table.... Like the bat cave. I could go take one of those evasive driving courses. I could hire a bodyguard. That one almost made me aspirate. Don't laugh that hard while you're eating. I don't recommend it. As I crawled into bed under the weighted blanket I thought, it would be nice to be able to share this with someone. But I'd never know if it was me, or the money they were interested in, would I? As I drifted off I wondered if it really mattered..... Coffee installed I went to work, smiling. I had a huge secret, and still had to go to work, keep getting paid. Good thing I love my work. In between clients I tried to draft my I need a leave of absence request, without actually coming out with the precise reason. I couldn't really cite a family emergency, but I did just find my biological family......Oh. I had to add them to the list. I threw myself into work, coming home at the end of each day devoid of brain cells and *good tired". In my down time I interviewed lawyers, paying each of them so I had attorney client privilege for all things discussed in each interview. I had always joked if I won the lottery, I would still go to work, I would just have a bad attitude. Work the weekend? Nah, I don't think so. But I worked for a different company.....There were people that were going to be wicked pissed when this came to light, but, I couldn't control that. I kept looking for the right lawyer. I will never forget the day I met her. It was warmer than it should have been given the time of year, and we had agreed to meet outside, because Covid. I had a coffee and was waiting, and I swear, it was like a scene out of a film, except there wasn't any soundtrack. She came walking up the street, no, strutting, like she owned the street. Over the knee boots, with heels, a camel colored cashmere coat, hands in her pockets and her hair... It flowed around her, behind her as she moved; and a red so vibrant, not a color found in nature, but it suited her, set off her eyes. Eyes that sparkled, intelligent and with more than a hint of mischief. I had a feeling she might be the perfect co conspirator. Her gloved handshake was warm and firm, she sat down, and I explained my predicament. Within minutes Valentina  Rudenko has already proposed solutions to problems I didn't realize I already had. We drafted a contract on a file folder I had in my bag, had it witnessed by a passer by, and for a healthy percentage of the profits, I had my consigliere. Valentina was going to make certain that there were profits. I handed her a clone of my cell, and a satellite phone. "If that sat phone rings, it's me. If my sat phone rings, its you. Once the funds are claimed it shouldn't take long for all hell to break loose, and you know the plan." She smiled, and it lit up her face. " Here's to the beginning of a beautiful friendship! ". I laughed." Casablanca? Really?" As I walked to my car I had to admit I was maybe a little in love with her. The television coverage was everything I expected, and Ms. Rudenko was flawless. Legs ALL the way up to her neck, dressed in black leather and what I was pretty sure were Loubutains, not that she needed the height; she must have been six foot three, stating that  she was acting on behalf of her client, that she was in fact bound by attorney client privilege, and that the Lottery regulations allowed for a winners agent or representative to claim their prize in lieu of the winner. She read the prepared statement, and it was skillfully delivered. "My name is Valentina Rudenko and my client has chosen to not share this life changing event with the rest of the world. It is their position that this is a sentinel event and as such, privacy is paramount to their ability to process this transition. I have distributed my contact information, in media kits and any and all questions, requests for information, funding, donations, appearances, media inquiries, product endorsements will be handled through my office. Anyone who attempts to circumvent this process will be moved to the back of the line, and placed on the shit list. You do not want to be on my shit list. Prior to my admission to the bar, I served my country in the United States Marine Corps, where I swore an oath to protect and defend this country against all enemies, and be advised that NO ONE HAS EVER RELIEVED ME OF THAT OATH. Thank you. " Flash bulbs went off, reporters shouted questions, and there I sat, in front of my television, cheering. She was flawless! The trusts had been established, shell corporations built, layers of insulation constructed, and I had settled all of my debts. Everyone who had ever helped me out was about to get a windfall. And everything on my credit report was paid, even back to the Paleozoic era. Well, at least the bronze age.

[thepilgrimofwar]

Bladeborn

As the House Guards of Emberheart carried bodies from the manor, the boy ruler made his way towards the guest rooms. With a trembling hand, he made his way past the fireplace, where Zarannis stared into the hearthfire. Stenden thought best not to disturb her. He then made his way to one of the other guest rooms, where Vaelrin was plying himself with what alcohol he had gathered- and been given by Zarannis. The boy bowed his head and moved past that room, until he came upon another occupied room. Inhabited by one who would possibly be in a better mind to speak to- Especially when it came with the gravity of the request he was about to make.

Stenden knocked and the knock on the door caught the youth inside by surprise.

Vissehn grabbed for his tunic, tugging it on over the bindings at his chest, grumbling to himself. He had planned on a bath, to wash the blood off, but it had taken the better part of an hour to find a place that fit his very specific and paranoid needs. He doubted that the servants to the Emberhearts would race to tell the tel’dorei that the towheaded fighter didn’t seem as male under the cloth as he looked, but he also couldn’t cross off the possibility.

And with the Oracle damned and dead, it was more obvious than ever that he had to keep his shit under wraps-- literally, and figuratively, as it were.

Ruffling his birdsnest of pale hair, he went to the door, buckling his belt even as he looked over… the boy lord of the manor.

“Aw, fuck.” He sighed. “Am I gettin’ kicked out? You don’t gotta be all polite about it, I figured I might.” He looked Stenden up and down, a twinge of sympathy threading through him. He really did look like his uncle. More so than his father, really; there was a serious determination to his brow that was all Sederis, and not Solli-the-stick-in-the-mud. “Just let me get my shit together, kid-- er, m’lord? Fuck, yer a kid, right?”

Stenden tucked his trembling hand behind his back and spoke with a bemused smile. “You’re not getting kicked out. In fact, you’re an honored guest of the family- So-” he gestured at his unkempt appearance- A hastily draped tunic and a half buckled belt. “Don’t- worry about- all that-”

The Lord of the Emberglades suppressed the urge to laugh, doing his best to keep up the airs of nobility in the face of someone so close to his age. It was the first moment of levity he had had all day.

“But I am here to make a request, so, may I come in?”

The smile on the other lad looked about as thin as the years between them, and so it was easy to reply. “Hey, yeah, come on in. It’s yer house, really, I’m just soilin’ your sheets yanno?” He snorted awkwardly and moved out of the way to let the young lord enter.

The room was, despite Vissehn’s claim, incredibly neat, as though no one had been in the space at all. Only the sheets looked mussed, and a chair brought near the window. The window was, however, open-- and there were definite signs that the youth had been gallivanting out on the rooftops and beyond, in the form of a curtain shoved into the lock, and mud on the edge of the sil.

Drawing the chair back to the table quick as a flash, Viss sat in it backward and patted the table. “Go on, take a seat.” His eyes flicked over Stenden’s features. He felt the question on his lips-- but it seemed too unkind to ask, too fresh. He would likely be asked by so many others, if this was his first taste of war, if these were the first deaths he bore witness to.

Vissehn knew the weight of those questions. He wouldn’t add to it.

“So, whatcha comin’ in for, if not to toss me out on my ass? Not that any’d blame you, really. We’re all just lucky I got a fleabath before they let me in here.” He jibed, leaning his chin on his crossed forearms on the back of the chair.

Stenden stepped inside, noted the window and the associated shenanigans, and tried his best to ignore it. He took a seat, also ignoring the mud he had been tracking into the room. The servants were not going to be happy about this. The smile turned to a stifled snort.

“Lirelle said I had the finest warriors in the Kingdom, all gathered here. I will admit Mr.Bladeborn, that you don’t look the part.” By the sounds of those words coming out of his mouth, it didn’t sound the part either. “Can I just call you Vissehn?”

“Gods, anything but Mister Bladeborn, I think Sederis called me that once and I almost popped a vessel from either laughin’ or hurling.” He snorted and ruffled his hair further, just to have something to do with his hands. “An’ Lirelle’s kind, for a dead scary woman. I’m more used to bein’ a courier.” He waggled his brows at Stenden. “Gets me in a lot of doors, and no one tends to think much about the post-person.”

Still he leaaaaaned sideways, looking over Stenden. “You don’t look much like a lord, neither, but I ain’t casting aspersions.” He drew out the last word, obviously having read it without hearing it much. “Got your mothers’ complexion and your uncle’s brow, but I got a feeling you get a fair portion of your father’s smarts. So!” He sat up and clapped. “Call me Vissehn, I’ll call you Stenden, and we’ll forget that neither of us looks the parts we’re bout to play, huh?”

“Deal,” Stenden extended his hand to shake on it.

Vissehn spat in his palm and shook with the young Lord. "Ceremonial, rightly so." The sparkle in his eyes showed it really wasn't but honestly that was far from the worst fluid they'd gotten on them that day.

The boy took his hand and shook, firm, joining him in the ritual of mutual nastiness. They were now partners- Not quite like blood-brothers- More like… Spit-brothers. Luckily for Stenden, this hadn’t been his first encounter to the ritual. Unlike Sederis who did not have a childhood shared with the low-borns of the realm, Stenden had spent many a time playing with the children at Dawnveil.

“I’ll be brief Vissehn. The Emberglades are going to war. I don’t know who my friends are. I don’t know if I’ll win this. But if I can borrow your strength, I can promise you that you’ll have a place here in the Heartlands.” Stenden spoke, with a mix of gravity and levity that was absent earlier. “If this war isn’t for you, I could still have you do be a courier.”

The firm handshake brought a smile to Vissehn’s features, something a shade softer. The kid was alright. He resisted the urge to ruffle Stenden’s hair, some deep-seated place of affection stirred by Stenden’s untimely burdens.

“I’m good for it.” He released Stenden’s hand and resumed leaning with his chest to the chair’s front. “I’ve gotten a fair hand at killin’ things now, which says summat I’m sure, but I’d rather it be for a cause than not for one.” He reached blindly to the table and-- after a pat or three-- found what he sought; a bottle of the local brew, which had been forgotten in his haste to attend the funeral and then the subsequent difficulty of bath-locating.

He took a long pull, pulled a face and put the bottle down. “Now. Before you sign off on your pretty friend Fish being a soldierboy, I got a counteroffer.” He had swept the room for enchantments minutes before the lordling entered, and he felt like the news he was about to share was less sensitive even than his gender.

“I did courier work, yeah, for the Sunguard and the Hawks and all. I also did good behind, let’s say, enemy lines. Got papers where they needed to go… and stopped a few too.” He waggled a brow. “I got a few friends I can reach out to, sees what I can pull, maybe get some of those friends where they’ll do some good in Ilithia, it was called, right?”

He paused. “Now. I’m not doing this cause I’m a sufferin’ saint, like half of yer uncles friends… nor am I a wardog like the other half, though I could be in a few years. I’m a survivor.” He leaned forward in the chair so he met Stenden’s eyes. “I got red in my ledger I plan to make black. Your uncle did right by me and mine… more than I can say.” A flush crept up the youths face, and he needed to look away, at the dark glass of the bottle. “So this is payment back. Whatever you wanna offer, you offer, but know I’d let ye piss on my name and call me curr and I’d still do this cause of Sederis.”

Stenden took in this information with great interest. If the Emberglades did not have the strength to win this war by force, an agent- Another agent- would do well to turn the tides of battle. Besides, while his father had an agent in the form of former Logistics Offier Beathyn Val’cinder, the Lord of the Emberglades figured that it would be prudent to have an agent of his own.

“You know, our coffers are likely to be empty of coin for awhiles yet but...” he began leaning forward to meet the boy’s gaze opposite him. “When this war is over, there are a few Lords that are likely to be removed and their lands will need to be… Shall-we-say, redistributed.” The Lord of the Emberglades broke into an unexpected grin. Playing to his new friend’s… Shall-we-say, hobo-ness, Stenden spoke up with a lilt.

“What would you say to a house?” He let the suggestion sink in for a moment before playfully rubbing his chin. “Wait- Maybe a field- Some land perhaps? But the maintenance of those will put you deeper into the red… So some farmhands?” Stenden clapped his hands together. “What say you, to a minor title? Yes! Be an agent on my behalf and you’ll have yourself a farmstead and peasants of your own to boot.”

The young man listened, watching the way levity made Stenden seem his age at last. The immediate rancor he typically felt when discussing the landed was therefore muted by the warmth he had for the other youth, and so when he spoke it was kindly.

“Oy, that’s a hell of an offer there, but not the first I’ve garnered.” He waggled his brows. “I’m not exactly the type yon good-and-true elves of the land are gonna tip hats to.” He flicked hair away from his short and honestly stubby ears. Tracing the edge with one finger, Vissehn’s voice went a shade softer. “I’m a mutt, through and through. I don’t need land or titles, but if’n you can sort some of those means and ends towards improving the livelihood of your less fortunates… specially those who don’t put down roots, well, I’ll have done my square part on looking after my fellows.” 

He smiled then, a subdued thing that brought the softness of certain parts of his face into stark relief with the wild and fae mien he typically wore. “There’s a whole passel of mutts like me who need someplace to wander. If your borders’ll be open to ‘em, I’d consider it a way to bring all that black and red into some kind of balance.”

If Stenden was looking his age, Vissehn was not keeping his cover very well around the other no-longer-a-child.

“If you want a reason for me to be stickin’ around after alls said and done, just lemme know. I’m a roustabout by nature but I could see cooling my heels here, near the Dawnbrooks an’ the Emberhearts. I’m a fair courier, fair in a fight, and got some unfinished business here abouts that would be easier to accomplish if I had a place, but say… not necessarily landed or well known.” He shrugged and leaned back so his elbows rested on the chairback, one leg bouncing.

“Ah,” Steden verbalized when he caught sight of Vissehn’s ears. It’d have been fine with him, perhaps, but the average peasant? The crown? He didn’t believe that giving out such a gift would go down well with either. “I can do borders. The Broken Bulwark will need resettling and I feel like a more… Accepting sorts are likely to resettle those broken lands.”

But he smiled again. “So that settles it then, and I’ve got myself my very own agent.” In lighter times without the same gravity upon them, he supposed his first task that he’d give his new friend would be to harmlessly prank his father in some way. But war was upon them, and the reality of the situation began to weigh on him once more.

“Glad to have you aboard Vissehn. Now about the help you said you could get me…”

Quickly spinning the chair back towards the table, Vissehn dropped onto one knee. “Naw, Stenden, we’re gonna do this official like.” He looked over the table and grabbed a quill, and shoved it into the young lord’s hands. 

He clasped his own around Stenden’s a moment, serious eyes despite his grin. “Induct me into yer service, Lord Emberheart, an’ I’ll serve ye loyal in any capacity I might for as long as you do good by the Tel’dorei. I might be a bastard and a halfbreed and a dirty spy, but I’m good as my oaths and you’ll want to make this… deal.” The word makes his smile turn bitter but it remains intact, as his hands remain on Stenden’s.

Stenden wiped his hand on his shirt and cleared his throat, getting back into character. Rising to his feet, he tried his best to dull the smile on his face to something more regal, but a hint of it remained. He grasp a nearby parchment and started to pen the terms described in curls of cursive, and ensured that mentions of open borders to the boy’s people were included- Emphasized even.

Because the boy, despite his adherence to the traditions of his station and his land, did not just want to maintain what came before. But to build a better realm. Something that his uncle wanted, but could never achieve.

“I, Lord Emberheart, hereby induct you into the service of my family.” He states as he signs off on the document. He hands it over to him, and as a symbolic gesture, offers his hand to Vissehn. No titles. No absurd formalities past what was required.

--

Art by CD Projekt Red

@retributionpriest​ @stormandozone​

[team-science-mega-nerds]

Fictober Prompt #19: “Yes, I admit it, you were right.” 

Fandom: Supergirl

Pairing: Danvarias

Warnings: Minor mentions of drug use

Thirteen miles from a bustling city with a designer landscape, quaint eateries, and a baseball team that nearly became the pride of Ohio is a rural blip on the map that is better left ignored. Duntown, which the residents resentfully call Doomstown, is a place that makes you reckon with reality. Ramshackle churches and hate crimes that people struggle to name, the folks of this city fear everything they do not know. For most that means outsiders. They turn up their noses and yell out the windows of their pick-up trucks. Go back where you came from! For some, their greatest fear is the only thing they’ve ever known - church. They drag themselves to Sunday service, seeking forgiveness for the things they cannot control. 

The two most popular places in Duntown are a local bar that serves stale beer and moonshine - if you know how to ask just right - and a weekly flea market that sets up in the parking lot of the local high school. Tents and tables are propped up around potholes that will never be fixed and people banter and barter their mundane little lives away. 

The biggest plight of the city takes everyone by surprise. It happens so fast that people struggle to make time between work - at a fading steel mill - and Sunday’s services to figure out exactly what’s going on. It’s a funeral of all things that sparks the interest of the collective town. Watching their children play in a field that they will probably never grow out of and eating bologna sandwiches and salad that’s nothing but iceberg lettuce and croutons, Sam’s entire life changes. 

“Went to water my plants this morning. That darn water,” Deborah says shaking her head, “looked like someone done pissed in it.” It’s the way she says it, all bite and resolute, apprehension comes to a head. That’s what catches Sam’s attention. It seems like just another thing to fear, another thorn in her side. Sam’s eyes go to Ruby, she’s laughing and playing tag with her friends. Ruby’s at that age where youth slowly starts to crumble and she’ll become aware of the world around her. 

Sam can see Tuffy and John sitting near a makeshift shrine of Kevin. They drink and drink, saluting their dead friend who perished on a normal workday at the mill. To date, Sam had been to seven funerals of people she’d known from high school. They all died in the same place, all had funerals presided over by the same poverty-stricken mourners, and all had after funeral receptions just like this. Tuffy and John smoked meth behind Mrs. Ainsley’s - Kevin’s mother - car. And all this was normal. All this met Sam’s expectations. 

Water that she had to boil before drinking did not. 

Deborah had made the comment about the drinking water six months ago and now, Sam seemed to be the only one brave enough to do something about it. Her bravery was, in fact, an accident. She’d been weaving in and out of her trailer home, trying to carry all of the groceries that she’d purchased at Costco six towns over. Ruby was supposed to be taking a bath and then going right to bed, Sam didn’t want to argue about it. Not today. 

It’d been a long road, getting where they are now. Borrowing from people she despised, working extra shifts at the grocery store, and relying on nosy neighbors to babysit. Sam, you’re a pretty girl. They’ve got some good men at the mill. She’d got a daily reminder of just how cute she was by handsy men, most of whom would go on to live and die at that very mill. Now that Sam and Ruby had a place of their own, things were starting to look up. “Mom. Mom!” Sam grabs four bags at once and rushes inside. She dumps the bags and throws the bathroom door open. 

“Oh, Rubes,” It’s a rash, tiny and probably inconsequential, but Sam has promised herself to always put Ruby first. Yellow water that has been slowly turning brown for months, and a rash, are enough to get Sam to make a call. 

The call itself goes terribly. She doesn’t know who to ask for or how to ask for what she wants. The secretary on the other end uses big words that feel suffocating. All Sam wants is to be safe. “Do you understand? I need you to send someone who can help us feel safe.” Sam feels like she blew it the moment she hangs up. She deeply considers moving. The cost is far outside of her reach but if she asks the right people and is willing to speak to her mother again, then she can make it happen. 

“Someone sent you an email!” Bernice, who everyone just calls Bezza, yells from where she’s seated in front of her trailer. Rocking and knitting like always. Sam approaches with Ruby at her side. “Remember when you showed me how to use the ‘Gmail’? Well, I guess your account is still up. The noise that email made, scared me to hell and back.”

“Who’s it from?” Sam can’t remember the last time she’d gotten an email that wasn’t about her missing a bill. 

“Some law firm.” Sam nearly trips on herself as she runs into Bezza’s trailer. She pushes past mounds of newspapers and boxes of old junk and finds her desktop computer. Sam bites her nails while she waits for the computer to wake up. She listens to Bezza tell Ruby about all of her fantastic finds at the flea market that week. Sam feels nauseous. 

When she finally manages to get to her email, Sam has to rifle through a bunch of spam and late fee notices to get to an email from Danvers & Danvers Law Offices: 

Dear Ms. Arias, 

I’ve received some initial information about Duntown and I am concerned about the lack of progress being made on behalf of your town. I’d like to come and talk to you sometime within the next few weeks. Please send me a list of dates and times that you are available to meet and we will work something out.

Alex Danvers LL.M. 

Sam rereads the email five times before typing out her response. She’s embarrassed that she’s only free to meet after eight most days, but she leaves room for other suggestions like a phone call. She sends the email and immediately gets a response. They’ll meet at The Tipsy Cow at 8:30 the following day. “Mom, you took like fifty years,” Ruby, who is far too aware and mature for a nine-year-old, says as they walk back to their trailer. “Bezza smells like mothballs.” Ruby hops up the steps one by one and they enter and both go in search of something that will pass for dinner. 

“I had to answer an email,” Sam explains. “Don’t comment on how people smell unless it’s nice.” 

“I like moths.” Ruby finds an apple in the fridge and munches on that while Sam gets to work on Hamburger Helper. “Who emailed? Delany’s mom got a new boyfriend. They went to Chicago for the weekend.” Sam wishes she could tell Ruby that Delany’s mom’s new boyfriend is an alcoholic who has questionable world views. Instead, she remains silent. “Can we go to Chicago?” 

“Someday.”

“There’s a giant bean there!” Ruby gets lost in an old Almanac, Sam starts to think that she’s made a grave mistake. Big corporations don’t take too kindly to meddling women. Sam’s a nobody, she knows that and what kind of lawyer travels all the way from National City just to talk? If Sam had a computer of her own, she’d email this Alex Danvers right now, and tell him to forget it. But dinner and bedtime stories get in the way of those thoughts. 

Sam is hunkered down at work just enough to forget all about it until it’s six-thirty and Ruby is asking why she has to stay at Deborah’s house that night. “I have to meet someone and I don’t know how long it’ll take. You like Deborah.”

“I like you more,” Ruby tells her pouting and sulking the whole walk over. The minute they arrive at the ranch house, Ruby sees Scout, an Australian Shepherd mix, and she forgets all of her misgivings. 

“Everything alright?” Deborah asks as they both watch Ruby, and her oversized backpack, bouncing around the yard. “You finally meeting someone?”

“A lawyer. Just to talk about the water situation.”

Deborah turns very serious. “You be careful now,” She warns, echoing the same tone that Sam’s mother had when she told her about this last night. Sam kisses Ruby goodbye and returns home to change into something more presentable. She settles for a turquoise shift dress and white platform sandals. The bar is close which is good for most people in the trailer community but terrible for Sam. On more than one occasion, there have been fights that have broken out right outside of Sam’s window. For now, she considers it a good thing that she lives so close, otherwise, she might have been late. 

The Tipsy Cow represents all the good and bad of the town. Everyone certainly knows everyone but that means that things often boil over and get heated in these very walls. Sam normally wouldn’t be caught dead alone in this place but it’s 8:30 and she doesn’t think she’ll have to wait long. 

Unless this big city lawyer is late. 

Sam orders a club soda and finds a booth in the back. They’ll need a quiet place to talk and there are too many mill workers crowding the bar and watching some baseball game that Sam could care less about. There’s a little bit of a lull, which Sam hardly notices until one of the mill workers barks - yes, barks - at a woman who’s just entered the bar. That kind of ruckus signals outsider, so Sam lifts her head to see what’s going on. The woman is wearing a grandad collar white button-up, mid-wash blue jeans, and a blazer that could probably pay off Sam’s mortgage. The briefcase is the thing that catches Sam’s attention the most. 

Oh, she sits up properly, Alex Danvers is a woman. 

Alex doesn’t notice Sam just yet. She checks her expensive watch, mutters fuck, and orders something from the bar. When Sam sees the bartender going for the tap, Sam rises to her feet and approaches. “I’d advise against that.” Alex turns looks between Sam and the bartender and taps her head as if to say ‘duh’. 

“Long drive. The brain’s on autopilot.” Alex motions to the bartender. “I’ll take a soda.” 

“We say pop around here,” Sam informs the lawyer. Once Alex has her soda, she follows Sam to the booth, and extends her hand. “So, you’re Alex.”

“Yep. And you’re Sam?”

“Yes.” Sam sits first. Alex slides her briefcase into the seat across from Sam and takes off her blazer before sitting. 

“Am I late?”

“Only by a few minutes.” Sam smiles. “I see you got a good Doomstown welcome,”

“Doomstown?”

“This place. It’s a nickname of sorts.” Alex frowns. 

“Doesn’t look doomed from where I’m sitting.” Sam toys with her straw trying not to get distracted by Alex placing her briefcase on the table. Alex pulls out a few documents and sets them on the table. “I’ve been doing a lot of reading. Coores & Phillips Company seems to be the main corp involved. They have the proper ordinances to drill in Cook and Favors county, but as you know, they’ve been drilling near the border here.” Alex goes to take a drink of her soda, but Sam reaches forward and grabs the glass first. “What?” 

“Don’t drink that.” 

“What’s wrong with it?” 

“The bartender put moonshine in that.” Sam quickly lets go of the glass when she realizes that their fingers are touching. Alex laughs, uncomfortably, at the very suggestion that she’d get her drink spiked. “I’m serious.” 

“I can handle my liquor.”

“Don’t be...stupid. We’ve got no-joke moonshine out here.” There’s a competitive drive in Alex. Sam imagines that makes for some magic in the courtroom. “Those papers can tell you plenty but not enough. This place isn’t some cute little town that needs big city saving. It’s been six months, soon people are going to start fighting back.” 

“And how would they? Fight back I mean.” 

“You see those guys?” Sam nods toward the men at the bar, cheering for a homerun. “When they’re not working, they’re drinking. And if they’re drinking and on crank, then guns get involved.”

“We’ll need a town hall meeting. Something to show everyone that the problems are being addressed.” Alex takes a sip of her drink and grimaces. “We did a case in Texas two years ago. A nice settlement too.” 

“How much were the lawyer fees?”

Alex shakes her head. “No, no, nothing like that. This is pro-bono-.”

“I’ll pay. We’ll scrape money together. I’m not a charity case.” Alex seems to recognize Sam’s seriousness, so she lets it go in favor of mulling something over in her mind. 

“Show me.” 

“Show you...what?” 

“This town. Show me what I’m missing.” Alex pays for their drinks and manages to polish off the rest of her soda before following Sam out of the bar. They get another bark on their way to Alex’s car, Sam turns sharply. 

“Fuck off!” She warns. She’s seen these guys before. Heard their poor pickup lines. She won’t let them bully what might be their saving grace. 

“Oh, mommy’s pissed,” One of them says as Alex unlocks her car. Alex looks like she might say something, but Sam grabs her arm and continues to pull her along. When they’re in Alex’s SUV, which is a black Porsche Cayenne, Alex looks over at her sympathetically. 

“You have a kid?” 

“A daughter.” Alex will probably ask more but for now, she drives out of the parking lot and down the road. “Nice car.”

“Thanks,” Alex says a slight smile on her face. 

“I was being sarcastic, you can’t drive this thing around.” Sam points to her trailer which is only a block away. “You need to pull over there. You can park by my place.” Alex follows directions well but seems less than eager when they get out of the car and start walking. “Don’t worry.” 

“I’m not worried,” Alex lies. They approach the church. Sam hasn’t stepped foot in there in four years and counting. Alex seems to acknowledge her jitters by slowing near the front door. “This the kind of place for you?”

“Girls like me avoid places like that,” Sam tells her. “Didn’t always. Things change.” The streets are quiet on the weeknights. The further you get from the bar, the easier it is to forget what kind of town this is. Sam glances up at the sky, the pollution from the mill has changed the whole world from Sam’s perspective. She doesn’t want Ruby growing up in a place without stars and with rusty water. “You shouldn’t take this case.”

“Why not?”

“I saw the way you looked at those guys. Like you wanted to say something or fight.” Sam stops Alex before they reach the long pathway that leads to the mill. “But you didn’t.”

“I would’ve. Easily. You don’t know me.” Alex sticks her hands in her pockets. “My mom would say that this is a lost cause. That we’ll get buried under big corporate lawyers, but our firm is solid. We’ll get you paid-.”

“If you think any of this is about money, then you don’t understand.”

“I do understand.” Alex touches the small of Sam’s back. She isn’t certain what to make of the gesture but she’ll remember it in case things take a turn for the worst. “Whoa.” Alex bends over with her hands on her knees. “Fuck.”

“What?”

“That moonshine.”

“Oh,” Sam laughs. “Yeah, it takes a bit to bite you like that.” Sam wraps her arm under Alex’s shoulder and guides her back down the road. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I could just use some water, which...I recognize is a problem.” 

“I have bottled water at home.” Even though they’re strangers, Sam feels comfortable enough with Alex to invite her into her trailer. For one, there’s nothing worth stealing in the place. And two, Alex has just decided to put so much on the line to help out. Sam wishes she’d cleaned up more. Or maybe folded up her couch so it would look like there was more space but Alex seems mainly focused on water, so Sam buries her shame. 

“Thanks,” Alex mumbles as she leans against the counter and downs half the bottle. Sam tries not to stare when Alex untucks her shirt and looks around the modest kitchen. 

“I told you not to drink that shit.”

“Okay, yes, I admit it. You were right.” Alex shrugs it off. Sam sits at the tiny wooden table and starts unlatching her sandals. When she’s finished and looks back up at Alex, she’s struck by the fact that Alex’s eyes are already on her. Like she’d been watching her. “Um...I’ll go. You have your kid and everything-.”

“She’s staying at a friend’s place.” Sam doesn’t know why she jumps in to say that but she does know that everything has a cost. If Alex wasn’t accepting payment from her, then she must want something. Sam takes a chance, a small one, and stands shoulder to shoulder with Alex. She’s been here before, giving recklessly. Never with Ruby around but there were times where desperation took hold. “I could repay you…” Sam has never had to say much to anyone, just show casual interest and they would find a way to take control. 

Alex is different, Sam learns right away, taking a step away and putting her water bottle down. “You’re a good person, Sam. I am too.” Alex lets out a breath. “We can work together, can’t we? Probably better when I’m not this drunk.” 

“I wasn’t…” Sam shakes her head. “In this place, things sometimes get warped.”

“It’s okay,” Alex says sincerely. “And in honor of us understanding each other. Would it be possible for me to sleep here tonight? On the couch, on the floor...whichever.” 

“Of course you can.” By the time Sam has gathered a pillow and blanket from the closet, Alex is already snoring softly on the couch. Sam covers her with a blanket, locks the doors, and goes into her own bedroom. Outside of feeling embarrassed by basically offering sex as payment, Sam is remarkably thrilled with her day. Even in her tiny room that often makes her feel like a child, Sam is floored by the possibilities that the future brings. 

Doomstown might not be doomed quite yet and if the fight that Sam has seen crop up in Alex’s eyes is any indication, they might actually have a chance. Sam doesn’t like to get her hopes up. She kneels at her bedside, crosses herself, and prays for the first time since she was in high school. She wants to be safe and for once, someone understands that. 

When she wakes up, Sam finds Deborah and Ruby in the kitchen. They’re both eating cereal and Deborah is boiling the water for the coffee maker. Neither seems all that phased, especially Ruby who points to the other room with her spoon, “Who’s that in there?”

“That’s Alex, she’s a lawyer.” Deborah arches a brow at Sam. Sam peeks into the room and finds Alex exactly where she left her. 

“What’s she doing here?” Ruby whispers as she looks over the couch at Alex. 

“She’s going to help us get clean water.”

“Really?!” Ruby yells. She bolts to where she can get face to face with Alex whose eyes open slowly. She has to blink a few times to remember where she is but when she does she smiles at Ruby and says ‘hi’. “You’re gonna help us?”

Alex looks to Sam and then sits up a little. “Yeah, I’m gonna help you.” On their way to check to see if Alex’s car got stolen Alex observes the town in the light of day. Bezza is rocking away in her chair. The hazy overcast does nothing to deter Alex’s smile. Even shouting from inside a trailer doesn’t seem to frighten her. “I like it here,” Alex tells Sam.

“Really?”

“I like the people at least.” 

The next time Alex Danvers comes into town, it’s to rent an entire building out for her team. They parade in with their fancy cars and nice suits but they immediately get to work. The drilling ceases for a week and after what seems like a standoff - marked by a lot of yelling in and outside of town hall - Alex takes the Coores & Phillips Company to court. The win comes suddenly, after months and months of proceedings. The big corporation senses the uneasiness and after a few men from the mill, high on meth, blow up a drill, it’s fairly obvious that this is a war they won’t win. Alex knocks at Sam’s door, sweaty from jogging over to this side of town, she is elated and Sam knows that finally, everything is right in their little burden of a town. 

Two weeks later, while Ruby, Deborah, and Bezza are playing cards, Sam announces that she’s going to take a shower. Alex looks up from where she’s seated, after losing in the very first round, and follows Sam into the hallway. “Don’t make me get a restraining order,” Sam jokes. 

“This is actually...about that night.” 

“I’ve known you for about a year. There’s been plenty of nights.” The hallway is barely a hallway. Just a sliver of space that leaves only a few inches between their bodies. 

“The first one.” Alex rolls her eyes, knowing that Sam will wait until she says exactly what she means. “We could’ve, you know. Ended up in bed together.”

“You wouldn’t have been very good. From what I remember you were all valiance and moonshine.” 

“That stuff was so strong, I might still be all moonshine.” Alex puts her hand on Sam’s waist, it’s the most direct she’s ever been with something outside of the courtroom. “I’d like to try again. Properly, I mean.”

“That’s sweet.”

“You aren’t interested?” Alex questions sadly. 

“I am interested. But more so in you joining me for a shower.” Sam holds Alex’s face in her hands and smiles. “Show me you belong in this crazy little town. Show me what you’re made of.” 

“We can hear everything you’re saying!” Deborah yells from the kitchen. Alex and Sam crack up laughing, hustling into the bathroom, and taking off their clothes.

[jjkpls]

Mean Yoongi (m)

> genre : light smut, fluffy (?) drabble

> pairing : min yoongi x reader

> words : 4.2k

> warnings : spanking, language

> Min Yoongi asks you to take care of his plants when he’s gone. It doesn’t go as planned and well, he has to deal with your misbehaving ass.

> A/N : i don’t even know... i blame the Cyphers for this.

> next

Mean Yoongi 11:39: I believe I asked you to just water the plants

That is not quite close to the answer I expected from him.

How disappointing.

Sort of. I mean, I’ve known him for quite some time now. I would not say that we are that close but I sure know him well. There’s one thing about him, one constant in his behaviour, he never misses an occasion to turn down someone’s expectation.

He is just not a pleaser. I could tell that from the very get-go when, the first time we met, I saw his scrunched in what appeared to be strong disgust face when I thanked him for his (accidental) nice manners he showed.

I took it personally that time. I thought he hated me for some reason and if I’m being a hundred per cent honest, I was so vexed I started nourishing strong hatred for the guy. However, my friend Taehyung was quick to apologize on his behalf. He explained to me that actually Yoongi showing any kind of emotions around me, plus on a first encounter, was quite phenomenal and that I should feel very special. He added that Yoongi did not have enough energy to hate anyone, that I should not worry about it and that he was pretty sure he thought I was somewhat cool because he did not hiss like a mad cat when Tae mentioned that I were to visit often from now on.

So yeah, Min Yoongi is grumpy as hell and he will only ever satisfy your expectations of disappointment.

I am not sure what I was waiting for anyway.

Maybe him sending me a rude voice message cursing at me and my whole family. Or at least, the prelude of a diss track about my ass. That would have been fun.

But I forgot: Min Yoongi is not a funny guy.

I don’t even know why I like him.

The people I usually want to befriend with are quite the opposite of his kind. Kim Taehyung, for example. A bubbly, kind, cheerful, extraverted social-butterfly. Slipping on the borderline of insolence sometimes but never plain rude. He is a magnet to people.

Min Yoongi is like… I don’t know, a leaf blower? You approach him and he just throws all his unlikeable traits in your face so that he’s sure you won’t persist in trying to interact with him. He says there is no point in making himself all sweet and likeable when he hates to do that, simply because he already has too many friends. Which well, is kind of true.

But me being me, me not being able to live with myself if I show any kind of unpretty traits to any human beings (actually, to other animals too); well, for me, it’s a bit insane. I could not live this carelessly. That is why sometimes it amazes me how I can actually want to be his friend and not hate him for being a massive dick.

It doesn’t take me too long to remember though. The little slip up that his mouth has sometimes when no one is really watching. He always looks bored out of his mind if not mad even, but sometimes, I can catch from the corner of my eye his lips stretching gently in a gummy smile.

He looks like a turtle when he smiles -which may be the reason why he doesn’t do it that much- and it makes my heart so warm because his seems to be on his sleeve during these very rare moments.

After some time, I came to realize that he does care about what is surrounding him, sometimes. He is not the kind to get super into the action, he’s more of an observant and doesn’t manifest himself that much. Also when he does intervene, he always has that attitude, half-shut eyes not even looking in our direction, voice stern, firm but quiet so that everybody needs to shut up to hear him -and of course, everybody does-, all slumped on himself. And he says the most relevant things.

Like really. Things smart or important or even deep. And everybody’s left shook for an instant.

That’s also why I like him. He seems to be a huge asshole but in reality, he’s cool. He’s an artist, an incredible one. He’s so passionate, smart, and loving -even if he doesn’t show it that much, all that knows him knows that it’s there. I want him to teach me what he is doing even if I will probably never use this knowledge, and just talk and teach and explain to me how the hell he is doing so good at living this life. I want to be more like him -not the asshole part. That’s why I want to be his friend. For him to show me.

Also, he definitely does not hate me. I have doubted that fact for the longest time until their depart, last week when he sent me a text from his own phone for me to come over. I was so fucking excited I could not even deal with myself as if my long-time crush has contacted me for the first time. It actually felt better than that since well, no matter how desolate my love life is, I still saw way more chances of my crush I didn’t even have to call me than fucking Min Yoongi. Statistically, I thought there was no discussion to hold.

When I arrived, there was no crazy warm friendship reunion or whatever. Without bothering asking how I’ve been, he just led me to his studio, presented briefly the three plants hanging on a shelf and said I had to water them while he was gone.

“Can’t you pay someone to do that ?”

“Why would I pay someone to do it when you’ll do it for free.”

For so many reasons, I appreciate this friend. Even when he was looking at me with his stupid bored eyes, eyebrows raised in a what-non-sense-are-you-saying-i-don’t-have-time-for-this fashion. He knows how to test people’s patience.

“Okay. I’ll do it, Yoongi.”

He shakes his head in confusion. As if he wasn’t asking. Which I knew he wasn’t but well… People are not supposed to be that rude. Usually, people pretend to ask for a favour to people that pretend to do them a favour when, obviously in most friendships, there is an unspoken rule of obligation. You don’t really have a choice to say yes because people get easily pissed for things like that. But at least, they pretend. I haven’t seen him in over a few weeks and it’s like I forgot how inadequate he was. It’s hard to put up with his shit when you’re not mentally prepared for it. I guess I was so excited I didn’t even take the time to take a much-needed meditation before coming.

“Do you need to be so rude? You didn’t even ask how I am doing.”

“You look okay. You’re not ?” He asks, actually making the effort to look at me.

“No, I’m good.”

He clicks his tongue at that, obviously annoyed. This is insane how that old man can make you feel guilty for just conversing with him. As if I’m sucking the power out of his body and pushing him closer to death with each word I’m stealing out of his mouth.

“Great. You can go now, thank you.”

The sarcasm is so thick in his voice I know none of my disillusions can cut through it.

“Don’t you want me to hang out with you for a bit ?” I am half-giggling now, battling my eyelashes his way because I know he hates it and I know he doesn’t want me here. Unsurprisingly, he groans and proceeds to shove me out of his studio calling for Taehyung’s name so that he’ll keep me away. I want to insist more, be as annoying as possible, any reaction is a reaction, but he’s too quick to slam the door on me and lock it down.Taehyung is standing at the end of the hallway, looking rather confused.

“Dude, I won him over. He’s totally my friend!”

“Congrats, dumbass.”

That was about a week ago. Since then, he did not contact me.

He asked twice how his plants were doing and if I haven’t fucked anything up in his studio, but he did not even bother addressing me himself, he asked through Taehyung. Which I thought was incredibly rude.I know it is his way. I’m not even sincerely upset. But still, I wanted to bite him a little bit.

He always shows extreme annoyance but deep down, I’m sure he’s entertained.

So this is why, I felt like sending him a video of myself in his studio, dancing wildly with an opened bottle of beer in one hand, screaming approximative lyrics to his own band’s songs between hysterical peals of laughter. If there is one thing that pisses Min Yoongi off, it’s when “stupid kids mess with his shit”. His precious studio he spent days planning, customizing, bringing up with all those expensive sophisticated technologies, is definitely on top of the do-not-mess-with list. I can still remember distinctly him, when he gave me the instructions for his plants, insisting so much on how careful I needed to be when I’ll be coming in here. Bring a half-filled cup at a time, I don’t care how many back and forth you’ll need to do, and as soon as you’re done watering you get out, do not touch anything I’m warning you, all you need to touch is the door handle so you don’t stick your fingers anywhere else, got it ?

I felt like a little kid again, getting scolded by my parents and I hated that honestly. So of course, like a kid that’s been told so harshly to back off, I didn’t feel like listening. Also, I was curious to hear what their fire rap songs sounded like on his insane equipment. And damn, was I not disappointed.

The dancing while drinking beer came out of nowhere but was to be anticipated honestly. This studio was insanely fun. I understand why he just buries himself in there and never wants to go catch a glimpse of sun. As he is away, I wanted to show him that his studio was still preciously cared for and appreciated.Well, all this nonsense is the result of me trying to find good excuses when he’ll ask for them.But of course, Min Yoongi who never disappoints to disappoint does not even ask for anything.

Y/N 11:42: Goddamn those bassssss duuuude

Sitting nicely in his cosy leather chair, simply shaking my foot to the music, I wait not so patiently for something to happen. No matter how hard I stare at my phone, the screen remains sadly dark. What a prick.

Laying back, I spin a little. He really is no fun. Maybe I should send him a video of me pretending to spill my beer all over his computer. I could make a dramatic shaking camera filming, cut abruptly through a panic scream type of video like those prank videos gone wrong. Or maybe I should really spill my drink. No, he would hate me for real if not actually murder me. Not a good idea to get us closer. Defeated, I’m already gathering my belongings, turning off his computer, ready to abort when my phone finally rings.

TaeTae 11:59 : ___ stop now

TaeTae 11:59: I think ur going to die

Y/N 00:01: Tell him he should not get too mad it’s not good for old hearts

TaeTae 00:01: He’s not amused dumbie

TaeTae 00:03: You definitely are dying

TaeTae 00:03: Youre insane whats wrong with u

Y/N 00:11: pff u guys stink anywayYes indeed, real mature.

This happens often anyway. Not that Taehyung and his band members are your only friends. But they’re still a great source of entertainment. And when all your other friends (who don’t happen to be very numerous anyway) are all busy living their adult lives, well, it gets pretty fucking boring. Especially since you’ve just learned that you’ve made progress with the Mean Yoongi, the evolution of your friendship being the biggest quest of your life at the moment.It feels like one of this mobile game when at the very moment the game starts being fun, they make you wait for like 24 hours for you to get more gems to be able to keep playing. Except those Yoongi gems don’t take a day or two, they take two fucking weeks.

How am I supposed to be able to develop a strong friendship with so little constancy? There is no proper link between the two of us, especially because he chooses not to contact me when he is gone.

That must be the reason why, when four days later they finally come back from their tour, I kind of forgot everything about the past incident. How vexed I felt that he ignored me. And how apprehensive I should probably feel towards his reaction. Quite frankly, I’m too excited and I feel like, once he’ll have checked his studio for any dysfunction and realize everything’s good, he won’t even think about it anymore.

He might give me the stinky eye but I don’t envisage much more.When Jimin opens the door for me, smiling warmly, no commotion taking place in the background, I assume I’m all clear. Then there is a giant all-limb creature coming up to me, wrapping me in a suffocating hug and I definitely forget all about Mean Yoongi. Taehyung smiles down at me and I feel my cheeks burn with happiness. I always forget how much I miss seeing him in real, feeling his warmth and his smell -even though most often than not, he smells of sweat- until he wraps himself around me completely and kisses my head hello. I just feel bored when he’s not there, but meeting him again reminds me that it’s way more than just boresome.

Also, he is not embarrassed to show how much he missed me too, and that’s important. I just get to wave at few of the boys before he’s dragging me through the hallway to the bedroom he shares with Namjoon. The latter is standing next to his bed, trying to sort out his luggage. When he sees me, he politely tries to engage conversation but Taehyung is quick to shut him up because we have important things to do. His elder, acquainted with his antics, doesn’t even seem fazed and keeps arranging his clothes. He’s lucky he’s cute. If it were anyone else, I don’t think a leader like Namjoon would have accepted to be disrespected like that.

The very important things we need to do is simply Taehyung having to show me every single one picture he took (included the dozens of to-make-sure-he-got-it-right versions that almost all pictures have) and explaining everything that has happened.I don’t hate it. It is quite funny and touching to see someone so excited and passionate about sharing and it allows me to travel a little bit. I don’t even remember the last time I actually went on vacation. I love feeding off of his passionate tale-telling. But after an hour of monologue on his part, I start feeling my eyelids getting heavy, my eyes itchy and no matter how many times I try to switch positions, there’s not any comfortable one left.

“You. Come with me.” Taehyung, I and even Namjoon stare at the wide-open door where an agitated-looking Yoongi is standing. What a way to make a dramatic entrance. He simply glares back at me, eyebrows raised high in impatience.

“Hyung, we were talking-”

“You’ll talk later. Come on.”

He doesn’t even wait for an answer and disappears in the hallway. Taehyung releases a deep sigh. His face matches Namjoon’s. They don’t look annoyed but worried and it makes my heart beats harshly in my chest. Maybe he did not calm down since the video. Is it why he did not talk to me at all?  He was making sure to keep his rage nicely tucked inside so it would not waver down until he can finally come back and lash at me full force?

I stare into Taehyung’s shiny puppy eyes for comfort but it makes it worse. Then, Namjoon is patting my back for some courage I guess. When I arrived in the hallway, the open door of Yoongi’s studio on the other end, it really feels like I’m walking the fucking death corridor. He can’t sincerely be mad, can he? The next day, Jimin and even Hoseok had seen the video and said they thought it was hilarious (suicidal and very irresponsible but hilarious).

Leaning forward in his chair, smoothly slipping a hand behind me to close the door with the tips of his fingers, his eyes don’t leave me for a second. I can’t even see him blink once. It’s probably more eye contact we’ve ever shared in all of our friendship history. Ultimately, embarrassed and scared, I end up looking down at my feet.What have I done?

An eternity passes. And then, Yoongi is on his feet, standing right in front of me and quite frankly too close for comfort. As I don’t dare to raise my eyes, he bends over a little for his to meet mines. My heart is beating so fast I’m scared it might stop forever from exhaustion. I do manage to glimpse at him for a second and he is smiling. He is actually smiling. Not one of his full turtle smile but a sneaky, cocky kind of side grin.

“Oh, now you’re scared ?”

“I’m not. It was just a joke ‘cause you were rude.” I mumble, meeting his intense gaze by intermittence.

“It wasn’t funny though, __. Of course, you understand that if you don’t get words, I still have to get the rules in this thick head of yours somehow, uh ?”

Frowning, I open my mouth, trying to get a proper question out. He is so confusing right now. He looks actually… dare  I say- playful? Mean Yoongi is actually messing around right now. And I don’t even get what he means. He might be right, my brain happens to be particularly slow today.

I have a properly structured question to shoot him with but he decides he waited enough and taking advantage of the surprise, pushes me down on the little sofa opposite his desk. I curse at him, try to get back up but I just have the time to raise on my hands and knees before I feel a sharp pain burning my ass.

Did he really just…?

His face his harbouring a large amused smirk, not fazed for a second by my astonished expression. Then he makes his eyebrow dance in an extremely insolent what-you-gonna-do-about-it way and I just lose it.

“Oh really ?! You’re just going to spank me like a child? Am I Jungkook ?”

“Actually, that kid wouldn’t dare do what you did so I’ll be a little harsher than I usually am. Bear with me.”

Another slap erupts in the small room, followed by another laughter. I don’t even know why I’m laughing anymore. Maybe the light burning is making me delirious. Or maybe because the situation is fucking ridiculous. Even as a child, I’ve never been spanked and here I am, supposedly a grown-ass adult, all four on a leather sofa too small for me to even lie on, getting spanked like never before by a friend of some sort.

At some point, finally, I seem to regain some kind of sense and I come to realise that the more I’m laughing and fidgeting, the harder his hits get. Therefore, for once, I choose the careful approach and manage to control my hysterical reactions.

“Are you calming down hoping that I’ll believe you got it? I know you don’t yet. That head of yours is just so thick.”

“My asscheeks are going to fall off, Yoongi.” I moan making him chuckle.He grabs with a hand my hip, holding my side against the top of his thighs, helping my failing knees to keep me from slumping over.

“You’re fine, __.”

As if trying to show some mercy, he passes rather gently his free hand on the surface of my ass, the high back of my thighs. And I think that’s the very moment when something switches. As if someone has just press a button spraying a whole different atmosphere in the small room. I become super aware of everything. From how close we are, he is pressing me against him so hard I could feel his body heat. His fingers on my hips digging slightly in a way that made me feel all giddy for some reason. It was burning hot in here and the leather of the couch is uncomfortably sticking to my palms. I can still visualize the scene as I did minutes before when I was fighting to breathe through my laughter but it all feels different. As if a filter has been added on the picture or something.

I am starting to make inappropriate connections with lame erotic books’ situations when I decide to give myself a serious mental beat up. My thoughts are all shambled. Seriously. It’s just all childish innocent fun. Nothing is different from a few minutes ago when I thought it was just ridiculous and hilarious. It’s exactly the same kind of play as Taehyung, the BFF, locking my head under his smelly armpit and wrestling until we-

But then I feel it. Digging obnoxiously precisely where my hip meets his body. My whole being burns uncomfortably. I gasp out loud so I know he knows that I’ve felt it. Still, he doesn’t squirm away or even lighten his grip on me. He just acts like everything is fucking normal and he should not feel mortified or at least, embarrassed. He keeps playing with my butt, switching between harsh slaps and soft petting, taunting me with stupid remonstrances. Still, the weirdest thing in this whole situation though, is probably how I feel about his hardness against me. I’m not disgusted by it which is… surprising. Not that I think about his boner all the time and anticipated to be grossed out if I ever were to encounter it. I don’t remember ever thinking about it, in all honesty. That’s why it seems so surreal. Me being me, I need some fucking preparation beforehand to not freak out on the spot but here I never thought of Yoongi like that and still, feeling him hot and hard against me makes me feel all tingly.

In the end, it is his boner that works on me. I can’t even hear his words anymore as he tries so hard to insert the rules inside my head. His voice is just like a background white noise I can’t seem to give the least damn about. I’m so shy and intimidated that I can’t help but turn into a pliant kitten. That’s when Yoongi decides I’ve had enough and releases me. He helps me sit up, grinning my way when he sees me wince a little at my ass hitting painfully the sofa. He crosses his arms on his chest, looks down at me as he asks what I’ve learned from my punishment and like a good pet -when really, I’m just stunned by the very obvious presence of his semi-hard, through his fucking light sweatpants, centimetres away from my face- I stutter what I was able to gather from the distant pieces of his voice. He smiles to himself, nodding.

“What are you looking at ?”

“Nothing!” My face is burning, I’m sure he can’t miss it. Probably can’t miss it just as the stupid blatant glare I gave his dick thinking he wouldn’t notice.

“I like spanking.” He explains matter of factly. I don’t know if I’m more stoned by the casualness in his admission or just by the fact that he actually justified himself, for the first time ever. This Min Yoongi is so different from the one that left two weeks ago. I feel like I should but I’m not sure if I detest that. One thing those two versions have in common though is their shamelessness and their total lack of self-consciousness. I have this completely confirmed to me when he readjusts himself in his pants, right in front of me, while still looking at me dead in the eye.

“Well- Grea-ood, good for you, dude.”

I, on the contrary, didn’t change one bit and I’m as uncasual as I always am in this type of situations.His lips twitch slightly. Without adding anything, he’s seeing himself out and I’m left confused as hell. As my affected mind proceeds to regain calm and sanity, it maunders and falls upon a thought that I don’t manage to repress. He does spank Kookie when the kid is being a little shit sometimes.

“What are you doing ?”

Tae’s holding the door wide open, glaring at me with suspicious eyes.

“Why are you so red ?”

“I’m not, shut up.”

> next

[mmazzeroo]

Whispers of Freedom - ch.1

IT IS HERE!!! 😎

For getting this far as to post this I must thank a few people: @adecila and @tomakeitbeautifultolive for being the first ones to knowingly (unknowingly?) cheer me on. I didn't even know you and yet your encouraging comments made me believe that maybe I should actually try to write this thing. So thank you ladies! 

@helloimnotawesome and @callmedewitt for supporting me, cheering me on and letting me run ideas by you. 

Last but not least a big thank you to @northernlights37 for letting me borrow an idea from one of her stories and transfer it to mine 💕 and to @afcbrandon for helping me choose a title for this fic. 

Big thanks to my sis Val for going over this chapter and help fix my very late night / early morning ramblings + made the gorgeous moodboard. Lova ya, sis! 💖

Without further ado: Read it on AO3 or below:

Whispers of Freedom - ch.1: If by My Life or Death I Can Protect You, I Will

The flames of the funeral pyre fluttered in the wind; pulled and twisted in all directions. Black pillars of smoke blew into the wind, carrying ashes and remains straight out to the sea. Soon there'd be nothing left but the scorched ground the platform had been built upon. Stormcloud had set the pyre ablaze with his own flames before taking to the skies with a heart-breaking screech; leaving no doubt among the spectators how deeply pained the young dragon was by the loss of his rider.

It had been a small and private ceremony. No grand speeches, only silent tears and solemn faces. What could be said about someone who’d grown from a boy into a man while in a deep coma? Someone who’d spent half his life in a vegetative state, while his family kept hoping against hope that a miracle would happen?

While the Queen accompanied the small gathering back to the castle, the King opted to stay behind for a moment. Standing by himself, Aerys watched the last embers of his son's funeral pyre slowly burn out. Now all that remained were the memories of his sweet, little boy.

"I'm very sorry for Your loss, Your Majesty."

The voice - appearing out of nowhere - startled him. It was a familiar one though. Only one person known to him had a voice with the unique mix of heartfelt warmth and cool confidence of a battle-hardened commander.

"Thank you, Major Stark," he uttered. Taking a deep breathe, the King spoke again. "I tell myself he's finally at peace; something he'd long deserved."

"A comforting thought indeed, Your Majesty. May the Old Gods and the New bless the Prince when they greet him in the Heavens."

Slowly lifting his head, the King took in the view. It was a beautiful day at Dragonstone - the sun shone on a clear blue sky with no hint of a cloud in sight. Even the sea was relatively calm. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back slightly, enjoying the feeling of the cool wind on his face. The warmth of the sun was comforting, yet he had always preferred the wind - as had his youngest son. Viserys had loved the wind to such degree that he’d named his dragon after his absolute favourite kind of cloud - Stormcloud.

The little Prince had been so proud when his egg had hatched on his bed one night. As per ancient tradition, every Targaryen was given a dragon egg at birth, and child and egg would spend the nights together from then on. Every other child in the world had a teddy bear to hug at night - a Targaryen child had a dragon egg. Viserys had been five years old at the time and it had been very unexpected for the egg to hatch so early. Rhaegar’s egg didn’t hatch until he was 12, making his dragon, Moondancer, two years younger than Stormcloud. Daenerys’ little drama queen of a dragon, Bloodfyre, had burst through his shell, hissing and growling, on the Princess’ eighth nameday.

Viserys had been so excited to wake and see a tiny dragon sitting on his chest observing him, that he had shrieked with joy - startling the little thing who replied with a hiss.

The little Prince’s squeal had caused his guard, Sir Arthur, to barge into the bedroom causing even more hissing from the dragon. Since then, Stormcloud only hissed at humans he liked - everyone else would be ignored. The two had taken their first tentative flight five years later, no other Targaryen in recent history had had a dragon from such an early age. Sadly, Viserys and Stormcloud would be separated not long after.

"When you arrived this morning, you delivered condolences to the Queen and I on behalf of the Houses Stark and Dayne, so I take it this is of a more personal nature?"

"Affirmative, Sir."

“How many times must I tell you to call me ‘Aerys’?”

“At least once more, Sir.”

The King hummed briefly in response to that, a smile tugging at his lips. “Tell me, Major, do you take personal pleasure in sneaking up on old men such as myself?"

"My apologies, Your Majesty; force of habit.” Without looking, the King could tell the Major smiled. They knew each other well. ”You know us Faceless Men - we blend in with the shadows as with the lights, Sir."

"Oh, don’t remind me!” Huffing out a laugh he continued, “barely a month goes by without a complaint from Lord Baelish about how Jaqen has been ‘sneaking around’.” He shook his head lightly. “I shouldn’t be complaining, however - it used to be a weekly matter until one day during a Council meeting Olenna had enough.”

Aerys began chuckling as he conveyed the story: “She told him that if the Lord of the Vale didn’t like getting caught by a smarter and better predator then either he should learn from it or he could go hunting elsewhere. Either way she didn’t care, but if he whined to her one more time about the Faceless Men’s representative in the Council he could go, and I quote, shit himself.” The King was laughing so hard he’d barely been able to finish his story. “You should’ve seen Petyr’s face. It was priceless!” Bent over, hands clutching his thighs the King was wheezing with laughter.

A warm, firm hand gripped his shoulder. No words were exchanged but Aerys understood the concern implied, nonetheless. So, he straightened himself back up and took in a few deep breaths of fresh air to steady himself, the Major’s hand still resting on his shoulder. Gently, he removed it and gave it a tight squeeze.

“I’m alright, Lyanna. I promise.”

Lyanna answered with her signature warm smile and a curt nod before stepping away.

“‘Lord’ Petyr Baelish.” She spit, every word coated with venom. “Whatever You do, Your Majesty, I urge You to be careful around him in every aspect.”

“I trust him about as far as I can throw him.” The King snorted, “but without proof of any wrongdoings my hands are tied. Even Jaqen hasn’t found anything.”

“As member of the Council, Colonel H’ghar’s task is to collect intelligence reports from the kingdom regions and assess security threats etc., not to investigate individual cases, Sir.”

“Correct, so do you have any suggestions, Major?”

“Perhaps You should have someone else look into it, Sir.”

“Yes…  I should definitely have someone look into it,” the King replied thoughtfully.

“Say the word and someone will.”

“Consider the word said.”

“Consider the deed done, Sir.”

The two of them exchanged a knowing look before the King circled back to the matter of Olenna Tyrell:

“Not once have the Queen and I regretted our decision to make ‘the Queen of Thorns’ our Hand. That particular day though, oh that was one of her finer moments!” Aerys chuckled. “She’s heading a Council meeting as we speak. Thankfully, she’s handled the press as well the past couple of days...” His eyes drifted back to the few remaining embers.

“—with her usual velvety gloved iron-fist, Your Majesty, making it clear that no member of the royal family would be taking part in the media’s 24/7 tributes to Prince Viserys.”

Once again, he could hear the smile in Lyanna’s voice, enjoying whatever the Hand of the Monarchs must’ve said at the press conference. It was no secret that Olenna wasn’t a fan of the media. However, she tolerated the more serious media houses who did their due diligence, researched thoroughly, and brought facts and information to the masses. They were few and far between these days though. The tabloids on the other hand...well, the old Tyrell had famously told them to ‘piss off’, so no doubt she must’ve told them something similar this time around if the Major’s reaction was anything to go by.

“That bad?”

“They’ve been running almost non-stop stories about ‘the Little Hero Prince’, Sir.”

The King snorted and glared at the scorched dirt a short distance from where he and Lyanna stood before turning on his heels, moving swiftly back towards the castle with Lyanna following suit.

“They are not wrong to call him that, but….” Aerys stopped in his tracks and turned to face Lyanna. “Do they not know how many they hurt by repeating it for days on end? Do they not know the pain they inflict again and again AND AGAIN?!”

The characteristic grey eyes of a Stark looked at him, filled with sympathy. If anyone could understand the soul-crushing pain it was to have the tragic fate of a loved one smeared on front-pages, across the news and as a constant subject of discussion by self-declared pundits on whatever tv-show they could get their sleazy asses maneuvered into, it would be one of the Stark children.

Some twenty years ago the plane carrying the Duke of Winterfell and his heir exploded somewhere North of the Wall. The news was everywhere. Constantly. In Winterfell, a horrified widow was left with three devastated children. No one would tell her anything because no one knew anything. North of the Wall was still Freefolk territory and no search & rescue teams dared to enter without Freefolk guides to protect them. Meanwhile in King’s Landing a young King was scrambling to get as much information as he possibly could. He personally flew to Winterfell to deliver the unredacted report a week later.

After the explosion, the security in the North had become unstable, and the Duchess of Winterfell had resorted to send her children to safety in the South. Ned, Lya, and later Ben, were the only non-Targaryens to have lived on Dragonstone in centuries. Aerys had come to think of them as something akin to younger siblings.

The Duke of Winterfell had been of the old school, so poor 16-year-old Eddard Stark had not been taught the ins and outs of being a Lord. To make up for that, the King’s uncle, Prince Aemon, had taken the young Lord under his wings and given him a speed course. On his 18th nameday, Eddard Stark was named Duke of Winterfell - a title he still served with honour.

The explosion had brought two major changes with it: Firstly, a peace agreement with the Freefolk; essentially bringing them into the fold of the kingdom but as a Freefolk Reservation, thereby giving them the protection from outside threats as they needed, but also securing  their sovereignty to live and abide by their own law - within their territory - as they had required. Same format would be used with the Dothraki approximately a decade later.

Secondly, a Lord, including the King, would no longer travel with spouse and/or heir together in the same vehicle, train, ship or plane. This rule was the reason why Viserys, and not Rhaegar, had been with the King in Pentos when the assassination attempt on Khal Drogo and his wife had taken place.

“They know, Aerys,” Lyanna spoke quietly, softly. For the first time that day, she let her officer mask fall and showed him the heartbroken woman underneath. “They know, they just don’t care. They’ll claim the public has a right to know and thus they consider it their duty to inform.”

Aerys snorted. “Assholes,” he muttered under his breath.

Lyanna looked at him with a lopsided smile on her face. “Even Kings are allowed to cry, you know.”

“I’ve cried more than enough, Lyanna. I’m all cried out,” he confessed quietly. “But I don’t need to be reminded of that day. I remember all too well. I was there! Eleven years later and I can still see my little boy laying there in a pool of blood.” Despite his previous statement tears began burning in his eyes again, and he choked on the words as he whispered, “how am I ever supposed to forget that?”

“You’re not.” She wrapped her soft, warm palms around his own cold, fidgeting hands. “As a King, as a father, as a human being you’re not expected to forget a traumatic event like that, Aerys. What you experienced was every parent’s nightmare.”

“The Queen and I weren’t the only ones to suffer a terrible loss that day.” His voice was thick with sorrow and unshed tears. “Sir Arthur was shot in the back and is tied to a wheelchair for the rest of his life—

“—but he lives, Aerys,” Lyanna interjected optimistically.

“—Drogo’s Khalasar lost their beloved Khaleesi. The Khal himself lost his wife and mother of his sons - one of whom was only saved by an emergency caesarean section, for fuck’s sake!”

Aerys let go of her hands as he began pacing back and forth along the edge of the cliff, highly agitated and gesturing wildly with his hands and arms as he spoke.

“That is why I can’t forgive them, Lyanna! I just can’t.”

Waving his arm in the direction of the castle he continued, “I have an 11-year-old Dothraki boy in there, who does not need reminding of how the day of his birth also marked the day of other people’s death, including his own mother.”

He was back to pacing - now seasoned with kicking random pebbles off the cliff.

“Of course, I know,” he scuffed, “being a Dothraki born in the midst of blood and mayhem is practically a badge of honour for him. As a second son to the Khal he would not normally be deemed important, but due to circumstance of his birth they all view him almost equal to his older brother, Khalakka Najaho.”

Lyanna watched the King patiently as he continued his ranting.

“His father is the leader of the largest and most powerful Khalasar seen in many, many centuries, and yet that same man instantly decided to name his infant son after Westeros’ little dragon Prince.” Aerys choked on a new wave of tears threatening to break through his carefully constructed dam. Taken several deep breaths to steady himself, he continued in a more subdued tone. “Naming Vizharo bloodrider to the Queen’s unborn child was the ultimate acknowledgement of the sacrifice Viserys made that day.”

Lyanna walked over to stand next to her old friend, looping an arm around his back and waiting to speak until she had his full attention. When he turned his head and looked at her expectantly, sadness painted in every feature on his face, she spoke:

“Aerys, you need to listen to me carefully now; no interruptions. Alright?”

“Yes, Major.” A small jesting smile played on his lips.

Lyanna responded with a slow nod before she proceeded to speak in a warm, calm and clear voice: “A ten-year-old boy throwing himself in front of a gun with no care for himself is, to the Dothraki, not only a great warrior - he’s practically a God. To them Prince Viserys died 11 years ago in Illyrio Mopatis’ villa in Pentos. His body? No, but do they believe his spirit left his body then? Yes. His funeral today was a mere formality for the Dothraki.”

Aerys slumped down in the grass as she continued speaking, keeping a steadying hand on his shoulder.

“They’d seen him racing horses against Dothraki boys outside Pentos - and win. Khal Drogo himself witnessed him climb onto Stormcloud’s back like the dragon’s some sort of docile pet. To them, Prince Viserys had already proven his worth as a warrior. Fearlessly throwing himself in front of the Khaleesi, he died the most honourable death a Dothraki warrior can hope for.”

The King looked up at her with silent tears streaming down his cheeks, eyes pleading her to continue no matter how heart-wrecking it was for him to hear.

“Amid blood, death, bullets, screams and utter mayhem, an infant Dothraki boy was brought into this world - quietly observing his surroundings with big, bright eyes. Only the most courageous souls are born in such a fashion which lead to only one conclusion for the Khal: that his son’s the reincarnation of yours. ‘Vizhadi’ means silver in Dothraki; Viserys was the little silver Prince. Vizharo is twice-named after your son, Aerys. All of Drogo’s Khalasar view him as the spirit of a Targaryen prince living in the body of a Dothraki one.”

There was no stopping the flood of tears continually streaming down the King’s flushed cheeks. The dam had burst. This was the beginning of the closure he so badly needed.

“Khal Drogo didn’t make his youngest son Daenerys’ bloodrider solely because of Viserys’ sacrifice that day; he did it because he couldn’t imagine a better protector for the Princess than her own brave brother’s spirit residing in his son’s body.”

Lyanna crouched down next to Aerys as she handed him some tissues from her jacket pocket to wipe his eyes with.

Tenderly she whispered, “Aerys, Khal Drogo believes he only gave you back what was already yours - your son.”

Muttering under his breath he put words to his realisation, “bloodrider means ‘blood of my blood’.” The King was gasping for air in between sobs, fighting to gain control of his breathing - and himself - again.

“He was so excited to meet Dany; so excited to become a big brother...,” he muttered to himself. “When Rhaella went into early labour from the shock, I…. I was sure I would lose them all. I was so scared, Lyanna!” He choked on another sob, once again taking to stare into the horizon. “But our little Dany pulled through,” he sighed with relief.

“She’s strong, Aerys. A true dragon that one.”

“Strong as valyrian steel as her mother always says; and every day I thank the Gods I don’t believe in for letting us keep her - the same Gods I curse for taking away Viserys.”

Sat on the edge of the cliffs, staring at the sea, watching Moondancer and Stormcloud fishing, and feeling the wind on his face, he felt lighter than he had for a very long time. Maybe the Dothraki were on to something? As a Targaryen, he had been raised not to believe in any gods. What use were they to dragonriders? But just because Targaryens didn’t believe in deities didn’t mean they didn’t exist. How would he know, anyway? After all he was but a mere mortal King.

The tears slowly started to subside.

“Why have you never told me this before?” His voice was hoarse from crying.

“You weren’t ready, my friend.”

“You think I was ready now?”

She smiled, “no, but you needed to hear it.”

“Always trust Lyanna Stark to speak the truth,” he chuckled. “Now help an old man back on his feet.”

“Uncle Aemon isn’t here,” she joked, jumping to her feet and running across the field.

“You cheeky little..!” Aerys stood quickly to catch up with the laughing Major. A lost cause but he would give it a go anyway.

What a sight the two of them made: Lyanna Stark - Major and head of the Faceless Men’s base in Qohor, a liaison between the Dothraki and the Crown – chased by Aerys Targaryen – King of Westeros and the Nine Cities of Essos. Both laughing and giggling like children as they ran, skipped and jumped around the grass.

-----------

Stormcloud soared high above, shadowing the eagle circling the terrain further below. Jon could feel the dragon every time he warged into the majestic bird. Just at the edge of his mind there was a surge of warmth; a gentle sort of heat similar to that radiating off a small campfire at night. But it wasn’t supposed to be there. At all. Humans and dragons were off limits for wargs, his mothers always told him so. And if he could avoid it, he’d rather not invoke the anger of neither Lyanna Stark nor Ashara Dayne. Nothing in the world was worth paying that price.

Jon had arrived at Dragonstone the day prior together with uncle Oberyn. They flew in from Starfall after having spent a few weeks with uncle Arthur. This was his second year traveling with Prince Oberyn. He had seen the beauty of the Summer Sea, met the Sealord of Braavos, and stared in awe at giants and mammoths. It was a Dornish tradition that the heirs to the ancient houses would spend a good part of their adolescence traveling the world accompanied by a close relative – or in this case, an old family friend. To the Dornish it was considered an essential part of a proper education. How could you expect someone to serve, lead, or rule if that individual didn’t know the world? The only way to know the world was to see it, hear it, taste it, smell it, feel it and meet it head on.

With a rare few exceptions here and there, all houses of any importance in Westeros and the Nine Cities sent their heirs off to boarding school or military academies.

His cousin Robb had started attendance at the prestigious Westeros International School of Education earlier this year. When you’re twelve years old and by yourself, Winterfell is a long way from King’s Landing. Jon remembered how much he still missed his mothers every now and then - and Arya! He missed his little sister every day; missed watching the little troll eating her breakfast still half asleep. In a couple of years she’d join him and Oberyn on the road. Yet, through all these new places and faces he always had uncle Oberyn to rely on. Robb and all the other kids were on their own.

He felt the pull again; like there was a rope tied around his mind and someone pulled at it from afar. Not sure what would happen if he followed the pull, he thought it best to leave the eagle.

Looking down, he saw the characteristic silver hair of Princess Daenerys, sitting next to his body on the grass, giving Ghost a belly rub.

Drawing a deep breathe he blinked his eyes open, feeling the sturdiness of the ground beneath him and the softness of grass between his fingers. He carefully sat back up, slowly taking in his surroundings.

Daenerys grinned at him. “Welcome back, ‘sleepy head’.”

“Thank you for guarding me, Your Royal Highness. It’s very kind of You.”

“Ugh!” She rolled her eyes, “how many times must I tell you to call me ‘Dany’?”

“At least once more, Princess,” Jon replied softly.

She laughed, “you Starks and your unwavering honour.”

“Stark Dayne.”

“Right, you doubled up on honour,” she chuckled while shaking her head with amusement.

Sending him a bright smile, she asked, “where were you this time?”

Jon answered, pointing an index finger up at the sky without taking his eyes off her, “flying.”

The Princess’ eyebrows shot up in surprise as she bit her lower lip and inquired, “did you like it?”

“It’s alright,” Jon spoke quietly, averting his eyes, fiddling with the grass between them. “I see now why mum’s always warned me of the dangers of warging into birds. The freedom you feel up there is incredible.”

Raising his head slightly, Jon found Dany’s face mere inches away from his own; intelligent amethyst eyes brimmed with curiosity as they stared into his own azure coloured ones.

“Why is it dangerous?” The Princess breathed out her question as if uttering the words themselves was risky.

“Because the freedom flying provides is potentially intoxicating. It can pull anyone deeper and deeper without realising. Wargs can become so caught up in the feeling that they can forget who they are; never returning to their human body again.”

Dany lunged at him, slamming his body onto the ground as she straddled his abdomen, keeping him pinned down by pressing her dainty palms on his shoulders.

“Jon,” —she hissed through clenched teeth— “don’t you ever dare go anywhere I can’t follow!” Her eyes – suddenly darkened in colour – flashed with anger…and fear. “I’ll forbid it by royal decree if I must, Lord Dayne!”

“Never,” he whispered breathlessly. “I’d never leave you behind, Dany.”

She frowned at him. “You promise?”

“You have my word.”

She continued glaring at him, so, with a smirk playing on his face, Jon clarified teasingly, “doubled up on honour, remember?”

Next thing he knew Dany’s mouth was on his. So soft, so sweet, and so surprising he didn’t have time to understand what was happening before it was over. Gone too soon.

Completely dumbfounded, he just laid there on the grass, paralysed, blinking up at the Princess. She, in turn, was staring down at him wide eyed, nervously nipping at her lower lip, a worried crease between her eyebrows. He could feel her small hands clutching the fabric of his shirt as she balled up her fists. That spurred him into action.

He shook his head slightly and took a deep breath – as deep as he could with the Princess sitting across his stomach. He gently unclutched her fists as he flashed her a confident smile and said, “mind if we try that again?”

Dany jerked forward but two hands pressed against her shoulders stopped her. Once again her beautiful amethyst eyes flashed with anger, hurt and confusion.

Moving his hands from her shoulders to carefully cradle her face, Jon looked deep into her eyes as he whispered, “easy Dany, I just told you I’m not going anywhere.”

Responding with a shy smile and a barely noticeable nod, Dany lowered her eyes to look at his lips as she slowly leaned down.

He lifted his head slightly off the ground and met her half way, tenderly pressing his lips against hers. This time Dany’s delectable lips felt even softer, sweeter than they had with that first rushed kiss. He wanted to – needed to – do this right.

Slowly, he opened his mouth slightly and timidly let his tongue run along Dany’s upper lip. He figured he must’ve done something right, because she responded by grasping his shirt collar and pulling him closer.

When Dany finally pulled back, they both gasped, staring at each other in awe. Jon had never seen a sweeter, more beautiful smile than the one she was wearing just then. Her heavenly eyes shone brighter than any star ever could, he was sure of it.

Breathless, Jon said “that was—"

“—wonderful,” Dany finished for him.

Smiling softly he could only respond by nodding. Blinking rapidly a few times, he muttered, “I have this…weak feeling in my knees.”

“Is your heart beating strangely?”

“Mmhmm…faster, like I’ve been running.”

“Mine too,” she whispered brushing a tender hand through his dark curls. “Think we should just stay here for a bit.”

Dany positioned herself a little lower on his stomach as she leaned down to rest her dazed head on Jon’s narrow shoulder, placing a possessive hand over his rapidly beating heart.

Carefully, Jon wrapped his arms around her.

Uncle Oberyn always told him that love was like dancing – relax, go with the flow and you’ll find a rhythm that matches the two of you together. Jon wasn’t sure this could be compared to any kind of dancing he’d done, but if their matching heartbeats were any indication he’d say he and Dany had found their own unique rhythm. Gradually, he felt her breathing slow down as did his own.

“I like it here.” Dany’s quiet voice broke his musings.

He chuckled, “good, it’s your home after all.”

“No, I mean,” she raised her head slightly and padded his shoulder with her hand, “I like it here,” before resting her head back down.

“I like you here as well,” Jon confessed quietly resting a cheek against the top of her head.

Their peaceful little bubble was sadly burst when Ghost came running, joyously yapping at a hissing Bloodfyre who was flying just a few feet above the direwolf pup.

Dany shot up like a rocket. “Bloodfyre stop it! Behave!” The black and red dragon hissed and growled in response, yet still landed next to the silver-haired girl currently glaring at it.

Jon was amazed at how quickly the Princess transformed from the soft and tender girl he’d just had in his arms a few seconds ago, to this assertive dragon commander standing in front of him.

“Ghost, here!” The pup, a little more than a year old, obeyed his command without hesitation. “Maybe if he gets his tail zinged he’ll learn not to disturb a dragon,” Jon laughed, scratching the snow white direwolf behind its ear as he got back up on his feet.

Sitting next to her, Bloodfyre was exactly as tall as Dany. He was almost pitch-black with crimson red horns and spine, and spatters of red on his wings. At three, he was the youngest of the dragons currently residing on Dragonstone. The other dragons lived in and around Valyria where there was food and space available to them without the majestic creatures causing too much disturbance. However, despite being the younger – or perhaps because of it – Bloodfyre was the biggest drama queen; always making a big entrance hissing, screaming and growling, and spitting fire whenever he could get away with it. No hint of stealth – yet. He still curled up in Dany’s bed at night, but it’d be a matter of time before he’d have to stay on the floor, and in a few years he’d have to stay outside permanently.

She sent Jon an amused look before turning to Bloodfyre and speaking with more authority than he’d ever heard from her, “—and this guy needs to stop spitting fire at everyone and everything that he doesn’t like!”

Bloodfyre huffed and looked away – almost as if trying to give the impression that he wasn’t even paying attention. Jon knew from his mum’s stories from her years at Dragonstone, that dragons had very different personalities, just like humans, however, he never thought he’d find it this comical to see up close.

He bent down, picked up a stick and threw it as far as he could as Ghost was off in a jiffy to chase the stick - tail wagging and tongue hanging out the side of his mouth, but completely silent. Stealth.

Once again, Jon felt the humming, burning sensation in his mind. Stormcloud had been cruising the skies above them the whole time.

For a bit, he’d thought – and hoped – the buzzing in his head was from being close to Dany, but now he was almost certain it was exclusively due to the big dragon hovering above.

The few times Jon had been to Dragonstone before he’d of course seen Stormcloud around the island, admiring him from afar. He was a mighty and gorgeous beast; even looked like a storm cloud – blue coloured back, gradually turning a dark grey towards the dragon’s underside and wings. Jon had never been close to him though, and he’d never felt this observed and scrutinised either. He didn’t like the feeling.

It started after he had warged into Ghost this morning. Yesterday he’d spent the day making friends with the eagle, Storm – the great bird had told Jon he liked riding them so that’s what Jon had named him. In his sleep, he must’ve slipped into Ghost because in the early morning hours he’d been out by the dragons’ nests. He remembered the smell of burnt flesh and charred bones; definitely not a pleasant one. Moondancer hadn’t paid any attention to Ghost, but Stormcloud…he’d looked right at him. It had spooked both Jon and Ghost and the pup had quickly run back to the castle. When Jon woke the direwolf slept by his feet.

Having sent Bloodfyre off, Dany walked over to Jon again. Taking a step closer, she took one of his hands and sandwiched it between both of her smaller ones.

“Major Stark, Prince Oberyn, Mama and Papa talked to me yesterday, when you were out here by yourself.”

Jon watched her stare at their hands, patiently waiting for her to continue.

“They asked me if I’d like to come travel with you and uncle Obi before I start attending school in King’s Landing next year.” She threw him a nervous glance before quickly adding, “just for a bit.”

He placed his other hand on top of hers and gave her a gentle squeeze.

“But..,” she sighed, “I wouldn’t be joining alone,” she added apologetically.

Jon leaned in and laid a tender kiss on her forehead before pulling her in for a hug. “Will Vizharo and Sir Jaime be joining us then?”

He could feel her nodding.

“Major Stark mentioned something about sending her second in command to join us in Pentos.” Her voice was muffled by his arm.

Trying to contain his excitement, Jon took a steadying breath before asking, “We’re going back to Essos?”

“Oberyn mentioned something about Meereen.”

“Have you ever been before?”

Dany shook her head slowly.

“I’m sure you’ll love it! You’ll love Captain Tarth as well – she’s great.” He laughed, “—and then you won’t have to be all alone with us guys.”

She laughed out loud, “that would’ve been awful!”

Before Jon could respond, there was a thunderous noise just above them as the ground started quaking. Looking behind him, he saw Stormcloud towering over them, eyes fixed squarely on him.

The enormous dragon tipped its head slightly from side to side and Jon knew he was being sized up – he just didn’t know what for or the reason behind it.

The buzzing in his head returned. It was as if he’d stuck his head inside a beehive. The heat was back too, making him feel like his head was burning from the inside out.

Letting go of Dany, he fell to his knees, clutching his head in his hands. “Argh!”

“Jon!” Dany shouted, worried. “HELP! SOMEBODY, HELP!” She yelled desperately, looking around.

Instantly, Vizharo came running full speed from behind a small hill. “Princess! What’s the matter?!”

“Find Major Stark. NOW!! And uncle Aemon!”

Vizharo was off immediately, bolting across the field to where Viserys’ funeral pyre had been.

Jon had now collapsed on the ground, writhing and screaming in pain with Dany helpless by his side.

As Jon opened his eyes, he saw a huge eye, blue as his own, looking directly at him. He thought he saw pain in it but maybe that had to do with the pain he was feeling himself – head to toe, inside out, like chains and ropes burning, tightening and pulling everywhere on his body and mind.

Stormcloud’s massive head was inching closer, examining the little screaming human.

And, as he blacked out from the pain, the dragon soared to the skies screeching and roaring in anguish and frustration – for the second time that day.

[tarithenurse]

All is fair in Love & War - 18

Pairing: Loki x reader Content: Here be pining, fluff, angsting, relief, worry, the feeling of finally understanding something really obvious, and more relief. A/N: This is getting close to the end, depending on edits of the next part, then there will only be one or two chapters more. I’m very grateful for the support and love this story has gotten. Thank you! Oh, speaking of edits...proof reading while hungover might have been a bad move on my behalf, so pardon any errors still left.

18. Among wolves

The dull headache is one thing, but Loki’s limbs area heavy and unwilling to respond as he attempts to turn around in his bed. Or maybe the covers have gotten twisted, effectively restraining him? Some…thought…or maybe a memory is starting to squirm at the back of his mind, but it will have to wait. Groaning, he blinks to clear his eyes and investigate the situation.

“Brother?” There is a distance to Thor’s voice which throws the Jotun for a spin. “Loki, remain calm…alright brother?”

Calm? I am calm. The cerebral brain remains the same, but the vision clears which seems to fuel the insistent thought that urges him to move, to hurry. Why should I not be calm? He lost something, did he not? Getting his bearings, it occurs to Loki that this is not his own bed. There are no furs or silken sheets nestled within a wooden structure, but crisp white linen and a golden frame. Over the covers stretches thick, leather bands emblazoned with runes to imbue them with magic…magic meant to hold him in place if the physical bindings should fail.

There is no reason to struggle as it would only be in vain. “Thor…what is the meaning of this?”

“I am sorry,” the brother apologizes sheepishly from the other side of a magical barrier, “we did not know what else to do.”

Seconds pass silently while the brothers study each other. Why? Wreaking his memories, Loki can only recall walking from the stables with a plan in mind. What was I plotting? When the memory hits in the shape of the elusive thought, it takes away his breath along with any coherent thoughts…and still he cannot move. I have to get to Sjöblik in time to stop [Y/N].

“You have to release me,” he forces himself to talk evenly, “I need to get to her.”

“I cannot release you.”

Snarling, Loki is close to screaming at his brother. “Then get me someone who CAN!”

The broad bindings glow angrily until the captive relents with a sigh and relaxes into the soft mattress. Gaze fixed on the ceiling, he can hear the heavy footsteps of Thor recede followed by the distant clank of a door.

…

By the time Loki hears the door again, he has counted everything there is to count, read the runes about a dozen times, and designed his vengeance down to the smallest detail. They will regret holding me back like this. It is true that he had allowed himself to be talked into staying in Utgard from fear that any rash action would cause more damage. But preventing him from executing a carefully laid plan? Unforgivable. How did Thor even know?

Several people move in his periphery, safely on the other side of the magical wall, tempting him to turn his head. Thor, the lumbering oaf, has brought their parents. In a way it makes sense because Odin would have implemented strict rules to keep the embarrassing situation from the public, but seeing Frigga standing there with worry on her face and her hands clasped so tight before her chest that the knuckles are white…I am sorry, mother.

“Loki, I am sorry you had to regain consciousness to this…we did not know what else to do.”

The strain in Odin’s voice surprises his adoptive son, but he maintains a cool detachment. “May I suggest you begin with explaining why I was unconscious in the first place?”

“Your servants and I found you like that,” Thor’s begins, “we heard a…well I truly have no words to describe it! It was like a mixture of an explosion and a thousand people screaming. It came from the courtyard and when we arrived…I admit I was not the first, but…oh, brother! Everything was covered in ice. Dark, frozen spikes and-and shockwaves centered upon you as if…as if some force had hit you with the cold of a million winters, freezing anything in a circle around you!” The breath inhaled into the Thunder god’s lungs shakes with emotion. “No one could tell me what to do, so I called upon Heimdal…to take us here.”

My idiot brother is incapable of lying. Eliminating the most convoluted options, Loki is left with the assumption that the story is true. “So why subdue me like this?”

Frigga places a soft hand on the wall, causing the barrier to disintegrate and allowing her to step through to the weak protests of the men beside her. “My dear. We first feared you had been the victim of some form of attack, but as we searched for injuries you might have sustained, we found none.” Finally by the bed, she takes a seat on the edge, running the back of a few warm finger over Loki’s cheek. “You began to stir in your unconsciousness, showed distress…the infirmary became covered in ice too…”

“I caused it to happen…”

Turning his attention inwards, the god focuses on the part of his soul that is connected to the old powers of the Jötun, finding the Living Cold to be nearly depleted – something that only can happen by rapidly unleashing magic of enormous proportions. Already, it is replenishing, but there is no doubt it will take weeks before the powers will be restored.

“But why?” Soft grey eyes meet his blood-red with all the comfort and wisdom of a mother. “I…did something���? I felt…” Oh. “It felt as though my heart was torn from my body. Then I fell into darkness…”

“Loki, my dear.” Frigga sighs, looking to her husband and Thor for something. “Your bond with the mortal may be stronger than you think.”

…   READER’s PoV   …

If this is death…then why am I in pain? What first coherent thoughts go, it is not the worst, actually. It feels as though your shoulder is burning and moving your arm is like having white-hot pokers boring through. Deciding to stay as still as possible, you look around in the grey light of dawn, surprised to find yourself nowhere near the castle in Sjöblik…or for that matter near the city itself, it seems.

Dense firs and pines are standing so close that the needle-covered ground is almost completely dry beneath you, and it would not be a lie to say that at least one side of your body is being warmed considerably. Turning your head carefully to avoid upsetting the shoulder, the change of perspective brings a wall of mottled-grey fur into focus. Fur that moves as if it is still in use by its original owner. Breathing in sharply in fear fills your nose with the scent of dirt, dried and fresh needles…and a dog-like smell. Sweeping the gaze against the hairs, it passes the shoulders of a canine before coming to rest on the face of a wolf. Dark, amber eyes are watching every move you make.

You can feel your mind blank out, loosing touch with logic and abandoning any predetermined reactions that normal people might have in such a situation (though it probably is very few who haven woken up next to a wolf). Wolf. So far, not a wrong conclusion by your brain. Big. Also correct. Very, very big. Again, correct…but not helpful as such. Is Röskva and the other Vanir alright? See, that is where your brain fails to grasp the concept of prioritizing.

A quiet huff from the side that should not have a wolf assigned, makes you suspect that there is, in fact, another huge predator as if one would not have been bad enough. I survive falling several stories into a moat in the dead of winter…only to be rescued by the biggest wolves in creation?

“By the gods…this is just great.”

Talking out loud in this situation is another piece of evidence that your head must be damage somehow. Still, neither creature appears startled or upset about your comment, and you decide to risk a bit movement. Inch by inch, the good arm and hand begins a journey across the body until the fingertips can prod the injured shoulder, soliciting a hiss of discomfort. It also results in a soft whine from the wolf lying by your side, and an exploratory sniff by the newcomer (a wolf so dark brown it might have been black) which has taken a seat by your head. If I get to survive sitting up, then I need a way to fixate that arm or pop the joint back in place. Neither option is going to be easy, but at least you have a belt.

Repositioning the good arm, you brace yourself. Can’t lie here forever. With a grunt and a half-choked curse, it is possible to sit up although black dots are dancing before your eyes and it feels as though your arm has been torn off. The swaying motion steadies, making it possible to breathe a bit deeper. Then a gently yet very firm form presses against your back, nudging you to keep going. To stand. Afraid to piss off a wolf by refusing to do as it wants, you tug a leg under you the best you can, pulling the knee on the other to your chest. All the movement is making your entire body ache, but it is nothing compared to the agony of the dislocated shoulder.

A new nudge.

“Yes, yes…just give me a moment, huh? This isn’t as easy as it looks.” Hot breath fans your cheek, starting a shiver that run the length of your spine before it is stopped by a wet lick ending with a lot of wolf-drool in your ear. “Ah great, that’s really gonna help.”

As if understanding your words, the grey wolf wiggles itself underneath the good arm and then looks at you. Carefully you dig your shaking fingers through the course layer of the fur until you reach the soft undercoat. I’m being helped by wolves…yes…completely normal. But you nod to the creature, feeling it enhance your efforts to stand by pulling you forward before staying stock still as a means of maintaining balance.

“Well, uhm…thank you.”

…

Your first priority after strapping the arm to your chest had been to find water to clench an aching thirst but the wolves had other plans. Deciding it was better not to object to the wishes of creatures as big as ponies, you let them lead you away. North,  judging by the mosses and lichen growing on any available surface.

A swarm of thoughts is milling in your mind, each concern fighting for attention with no regard for progress on the previous’ behalf. By now, the murder of king Gorm and the queen must have been discovered which means that when the guards or court realizes that you are missing, they will blame it on you and subsequently the Vanir – people you have come to consider as friends and who now may be arrested and convicted for your actions. That was a risk all along. Knowing that does not make it easier. If only you had had time to warn them, to send them away.

Stumbling over a root, you reflexively reach for the nearest support. Fingers dig into rough fur, causing both you and the dark wolf to freeze. Don’t eat me. The air starts to hurt in your chest as you wait for something to happen while amber eyes roam your shape with an intelligence unmatched by most beasts. There is even something familiar about it…but what? The new ruminations are interrupted as the greyer of the giant creatures lays down before you, presenting its exposed back. Huh? As you try to sidestep, a deep rumbling erupts, causing every hair on your body to stand and silencing the few birds in the area.

“What do you want?”

It was not meant to sound as whiney as it came out, but you are still tired and hurting, and things generally stink which makes it hard to deal with the whims of abducting predators. Probably for that very reason, it takes several nudges and renewed growls before the trip can continue…with you on the back of one of them.

…   LOKI’s PoV   …

Left in solitude for a while, the king of Jotunheim is no further from desperation than before although everything has been explained to him. She fell. The nauseating sensation he felt while crossing Utgard’s courtyard must have been related to this, but Frigga cannot give any satisfying explanation why it is happening. To find out, [Y/N] must be present too.

That leads Loki’s thought to the next issue. Having had to retreat as a child to save his own hide, the trickster knows that speed is vital unless the blame can be shifted to someone else. The Vanir are making haste on horseback heading southward to prevent getting caught, which is a sensible solution all things considered, whereas the mortal guilty of the crime committed is on food, has no rations, carries no weapons, and only has support from Odin’s two wolves.

Geri and Freki. Perhaps it should be a consolation that they are with her as the beasts are more than capable of defending their charge from any dangers…but it is not enough. The animals had pulled her from the river that has been split to create the moat surrounding the castle in Sjöblik. Once safe on land, each wolf is most likely taken turn to warm and dry [Y/N] with their own body heat until she is able to leave the forest at its northern borders. But when? The old forests cover vast areas and are too dense for Heimdal to land the Bifrost safely. That is why they must wait for the odd trio to emerge from the woods.

No, the arrangements that have been made are the best possible under these circumstances, and Loki’s frustrations stem from the uselessness he feels. Waiting will be a challenge although it is something he always has excelled at.

…   READER’s PoV   …

“Crrrrrooooooaaaarrrr.”

The unexpected familiarity of the sound is enough to pull you from the edges of sleep and back to the moment at hand. Jerking upright sends a new flare of pain through your shoulder but also grants you the view of the dark wolf and an even darker creature now perched on its back. To make matters worse (or odder) the raven is holding on to something shiny with its claws. The tri-hook. Only a foot of the rope is still attached, torn and frayed at the end.

“Still not dead, sorry,” you manage to whisper through dried lips.

That doesn’t rule out that I’m going crazy. A bird has flown miles to bring a tool you had hated leaving behind, and you are riding on a wolf as big as the one in Odin’s cou–

Blinking at the mottled-grey creature, you finally recognize it and its brother for what they are. Loki had told you their names and how they, together with two ravens are the eyes and ears of the All-Father as he sends them out into the realms…or apparently to watch over stupid mortals as they take on risky missions. Your cheeks are hot with guilt as they stretch in a tired smile.

What are their names again? “Thank you. All of you.”

Relief is coursing through your tired and beaten body, making your head swim so you discover belatedly that the odd company has stopped. Looking around, you notice the forest itself is behind you. Before the wolves’ paws begins the open the plains of rolling hills and the occasional village of farmer-families. You even have time to admire the view of the first blue patches of sky in weeks before a torrent of light engulfs you.

…   LOKI’s PoV   …

They have let him out and Loki knows just from the smiles on Thor’s and Frigga’s faces what it means which is why he is wasting no time as he hurries along familiar halls with them in sharp pursuit.

Each minute feels like a year. Each step has been reduced to a thumb’s length.

But finally, he skids through the circular opening of Heimdal’s observatory in time to see an odd group of figures materialize before the Keeper and Odin.

The mortal woman is dirty and battered with an arm strapped awkwardly across the chest, each injury echoing through Loki’s limbs, but in this moment, she is an enchanting being taken directly from the sweetest dreams he has ever had. How perfectly she fits in his arm as he lifts her off her tired feet and cradles her in his lap without a care in the world that he has somehow sunk to the floor before the eyes of his family, Heimdal, and a few other guards. None of it matters. None of it matters because [Y/N] is near him again.

Loki refuses to let go of the frail human, insisting instead to carry her to the Healers’ Ward where Idunn tends to the injuries with skill. Only when the Asgardian goddess of longevity and health orders him to leave, to grant the mortal rest, does he do so…though with the promise of returning soon.

Outside the door, Frigga is waiting on a carved stone bench with a book in one hand. “I assume you have been told to give your love some peace to sleep?” she asks with a gentle smile.

“Yes.”

“My son…you always consider each action carefully…” Gone is the smile, replaced by the tender worry of a mother. “You know you will outlive her. Does she?”

“There is one way…but how can I ask her to abandon everything? She has a chance to return to Midgard and build a normal life. A safe life.”

The soft hand that takes Loki’s says more than any words can, and he enjoys the silent that lowers itself over them. This hallway is favoured with soft, warm colours enhancing the healing qualities of the sun streaming through the windows. A multitude of plants adds to the impression that it is indeed the Healing Ward which is housed here. Blindly staring at the rose and creamy yellows of the marble, Loki wishes it was this life he could grant [Y/N] rather than that of a cold keep and Jötun clans still opposing his rule.

“If you truly want her to chose, then you cannot hide anything from her, dear Loki.”

Reclaiming her hand, Frigga places a wooden box in her son’s lap. It is carefully decorated with various coloured stones, creating the liking of a fruit tree. Even the gold filigree clasp carries the same theme of leaves and apple blossoms.

The queen cups his cheek to make sure Loki listens carefully. “Whatever she chooses…respect it.”

...

[my-life-literally]

Update

So, I suppose this is a pretty big life-update. As least for me, to myself: You’ve moved out. Finally. I feel happy and sad. This has brought up so many emotions. Some are surprisingly cultural, some are surprisingly greedy and some are surprisingly lonely. So here we go:

1. I expected more financial support from my parents. Why? Because it’s cultural for parents of my sort to help their children as much as they can. With money. Mostly because they fail in all other areas, like emotional support, mental health awareness and general interest in who their progeny are. My parents failed in a lot of areas. And the money area. The one area... I was in a taxi cab and the driver was mystified as to why I would be renting, why one sibling owns and where my parents fit into all this rental-spending. He even offered to buy a place with me and told me about property in my area that I could afford. Something my parents did not take the initiative to do, but talked a lot about that I expected it. They are a lot of talk. I don’t even know what they do aside from working, making money and then emotionally shitting all over their kids. 

2. I have realized my father is a very, very, VERY passive person. He told me once that to him “life is like sitting on a train and watching it go by.” I was so saddened by this. Now I am angry at him. I am angry at him for not sticking up for himself and his children in a more direct and firm manner. I am angry at him for letting us do the intervening on his and each other’s behalf. I am angry at him for not being more ambitions on his own and standing up to my emotionally abusive, careless mother. And I am angry at him for saying to me once “you will forget all this.” When I was a teenager and going though emotional abuse form my mother. Instead of sticking up for me in front of me so I can witness it, he told me that he talks to her in private. Which I don’t trust. He thinks life is a game. He thinks nothing is serious because he didn’t get to choose who he married or when he became a father. So I think that life just became a joke to him. And the interests of others became a joke too. He doesn’t care about our goals, and does little things to ruin them or create a challenge. He is more like my mother than I realized. They both hate us, in different ways. 

3. I have realized both my parents were traumatized by their marriage to each other and then by each of the births of their children. I can’t imagine how many people who have children go though this and then have to care for the source of their trauma. But I am also done looking at things from their perspective all the time. 

4. I have been told by them, the sources of my trauma, that I have no trauma. And that I have nothing to complain about, and my life is perfect. All the while I was used as a chopping block, a punching bag, a servant, a care taker, a therapist, a nanny, a cook, a cleaner...While they were telling me that they were the ones who were making all the sacrifices. I spent my part-time wages on gas and groceries for their other children. I took into consideration their schedules when I went to college. My dad took my tax return money for school credits to reimburse himself for the RESP money he invested in our education. When I have an accomplishment, like when I got a raise, he told me how much he was making, which was more, and how frivolous my mother was with their money, and how much he had in investments. And didn’t offer any of it to me. 

5. My grandmother called me on the phone, crying and said, “I don’t like the way you and your sister have left the house. There should have been an engagement party for your sister. You two are your father’s whole life. Who will stick up for him?” Who will stick up for him? As in we were tasked as children, youth, adolescence, then adults to stick up for a grown man. And act as go-betweens in an adult marriage, while other adults knew, in fact, assigned and accepted that was our role. 

6. When people tell you they “love you,” it often translates into “you have been or are useful to me.” Not, I care for you, I value you, how is your heart, mind, and health. What can I do to support your being. No. It’s “you are useful to me.” “I love you” means “I love using you.”

7. My father spent my money buying me a plane ticket to Fiji, it costs one of my pay checks. He said that he tried unsuccessfully to argue the price down. This is an example of how is passivity hurts me, financially and emotionally. Rather than asking me if that was an acceptable amount, he just spent my money without talking to me first. I went online and found a ticket less than half that price. He didn’t think that I am on my own, unlike my sister, him and my mother, my grandparents before them and every one of his friends. He didn’t think that I have just moved out, that I am bleeding money because I don’t have anything. He said he would help me on the day I moved, he didn’t, and I was happy that I hired movers. When I told him I was moving he told me he was sad. He didn’t ask me how I felt. Or what was going on with me. As a single person in their thirties, moving out alone, how did I feel. 

8. I can’t even talk about my ridiculous mother. My ridiculously damaged mother. My mother, who, I have learned, would choose her pain any day over the emotional well-being of her family. 

9. I feel like I am where I should be. But I also feel behind, as always, compared to my married, reproducing peers. 

10. I also feel the most free. Because I have a good understanding of people around me, and because I am not married and don’t have any kids.  

So there you have it. I have become the so-called independent woman. How does it feel? It feels frightening and lonely. But I only feel that way because of my traumatic upbringing. 

It also feels relieving, now that I am not in that environment. I can’t believe I stayed for so long. But I didn’t have the confidence or money to move out on my own. I didn’t have the confidence to try and make enough money. Now I hope I can build my confidence and make more money. That’s all I want. I have forgotten how to want anything else. 

I am nervous about the amount of the ticket. I wish he had thought about what my priorities are versus what his priorities are at our respective stages in our lives. I am really pissed off that he didn’t ask me before he purchased it. And I am afraid to tell him so because he gets emotionally abused by my mother, who basically tells him he does everything wrong. So instead I just let him screw me over and not tell him in case it pushes him over the edge and he leaves, or kills himself. Or gets depressed. I want him to be happy. And I want his money. But he doesn’t have the insight to give it to me, which is perhaps the only basic requirement of Asian parents. Aside from arranging a marriage - but my parents are against that, since they had one of their own and like I said, it is one source of both their traumas.

I feel betrayed by my grandmother, but I can never tell her because she is too old and I suspect too cultural to understand that my feelings as a person are even occurring within me. She got married, she had and raised children, she saw the world with her husband, she has a comfortable retirement, so comfortable that she can go to the casino and gamble. But she tells me that she is lonely, that I should keep her company, while I make enough money and find a husband. All my waking hours that are not part of work, I imagine she thinks, should be spent with her. When I was dating a guy and I told her about him she said, “he better realize that you will not leave your Aaji.” 

The adults in my life, or those who raised me, put their emotional needs ahead of my own. And if they think they didn’t they are stupider than I thought. 

And these are the things that moving out has made me realize. 

I hope that feelings of depending on myself and feeling more empowered, instead of let down, come to me soon. 

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 7 “It's a Hot Mess Express “ - Scott

People are so hard to work with. I get they don't like this challenge truly I do but I just wish they wouldn't keep shutting down every idea I had. It's... annoying. I get that I'm also the problem here. Because if an entire room full of people is saying you're wrong then you're probably wrong but still. I dislike being shut down. I've just been feeling kind of isolated since my name was written down. Even in my own alliance it seems like everyone thinks less of me for being paranoid. It doesn't help that I'm not entirely pop culture savvy so a lot of their convos I'm a bit out of the loop on. Part of me wonders if it's cause I'm in a male dominated environment? I don't think they are sexist but I do think that I'm being unintentionally ignored. Like throughout the duration of this confessional I have submitted 6 ideas/comments to the group and they've either been left in the dust or dismissed. That has to mean something right? Is it my personality? Did I come on too strong with my enthusiasm? Do they think I'm bossy? Socializing doesn't exactly come naturally to me. If anyone had met me 4 years ago you'd probably be in the know. You know that ability where you can pick up what people imply, whether through body language or through hidden meanings. I don't. I literally was born with out that ability and it has done whatever the opposite of wonders are for my life. At first I thought it was fine, I thought hey no big, everything is good, people like me eventually. But then I played Malaysia... A lot of great things came out of that game, a lot of good friendships and memories but in a way it sort of haunts me. When the confessionals came out, for the first time ever I saw what people thought about me. Sure they liked me eventually but they also disliked me. Like really really didn't like me at all. It was my first real interaction with people outside of the treatment school I went to, it was my first real interaction with the rest of the world and people hated my guts. Don't get me wrong I always suspected I was disliked but... to see their actual written thoughts on paper was hard. Of course as they got to know me they started to like me but I couldn't forget that it wasn't always like that. That at one point they looked at me or their screen or whatever and saw a pest. And that's my biggest fear, that I'm the problem. That no matter where I go people see me and are filled with dread or disgust. That people are always wishing me some from of ill because I'm bad at conversation or sort of creepy. Well at least they came to their own conclusions now, maybe they pulled their heads out of their asses or because it wasn't me they were actually able to function. God this spiraled, I only wanted to complain about how shitty my tribe was being not go on this full blown existential rant. Fuck me am I right? I'm not sure what this is going to contribute to the game. There is no hashtag big moves or fun comments but like I already typed this up so I'm not going to delete it like a pussy. 

Ok now we can talk whew. UMMMM not Connor fucking up Duncan's perfect record! Now that I'm over the shock, thank you Connor because I'm 95% sure that obsession is the reason Duncan did the most to make sure Devon voted me instead of him back on Thoth https://giphy.com/gifs/mamovie-stalking-octavia-spencer-eavesdropping-j5uEVYERR0ncYlJ36e Really pleased with how the game is shaping up tbh, assuming I don't lose another music video challenge hahaha. I would LOVE a final 3 with me, Ali, and Devon but I know that's a long way off so I'm just focusing on the here and now. My biggest concern is protecting Ali. Essentially Duncan hit me up to work with him, TJ, and Jordan and I was very much like lol not sure about that. Mainly because Jordan and I don't have a strong relationship? And Duncan was like yeah but he wants to get to know you better and I'm like https://giphy.com/gifs/week-wtf-moments-QjIz1AqkGTszK If that's the case, that needs to come from Jordan and then it's between me and Jordan. Why someone else is interceding on Jordan's behalf is very dicey to me but I'm not that surprised because that continues to be a theme with Duncan: getting me to fit into plans that best suit him. Y'all know DAMN well Jordan Pines don't wanna go to the end with me and the feeling is mutual. But I HAVE to make it work with Jordan or Duncan will get pissy. He literally was like ok well who are you close with and I felt a serious feeling in my gut to not mention Ali. So I said oh I talk to Adam a lot but I wouldn't say I trust Adam. So after telling Ali all of this lmao, we decided I needed to go back to Duncan and say yes because it would keep me in the know and keep both of us safe. Also it allows me to keep an eye on Jordan and Duncan at the same time so we truly stan. And the gag is I'm not scared of Jordan Pines and I welcome the challenge of getting him out so love yall for letting me in through the front door hahaha My new issue is just timing. We'll be ok if we win this next challenge but if not, I could see that alliance targeting Ali. Obviously I have a plan and will put the vote on someone else but I really want to prolong turning on that group for as long as I can. I don't wanna spook TJ and I know killing Jordan will leave me with a pissed Duncan and I really don't need that based on how seriously he's playing. So I'm hoping I can finesse somehow? Maybe one of them gets idoled out at merge and then a blindside on the other won't be as messy. But yeah I keep feeling like the walls are closing in, in terms of allies, and I'm working HARD to make sure I have an exit strategy at all times haha cause fuck these men I'm trying to win again. I "love everyone" which means I have no problem voting out anyone

So let me just make sure i got this right, connor tried to get people to vote for me, they all told me, he "planned" with me to go for liam, then....he votes for duncan and he goes home unanimously? little did he realize when he went around and gave a feeble attempt at rallying people to vote for me, i had already rallied everyone to go for him and made sure everyone knew he was a liar and couldnt be trusted, you know im a firm believer in loose lips sink ships and i absolutely used my big mouth as my weapon to sink his ship. Even if there turns out to be some majority alliance that did this all without me then well...i guess that's another story but im still taking my hard earned credit because either way i got what i wanted one way or another so im here for it, sorry gal! i now find myself in a position i hope i can make some moves with, duncan already just made a vague to comment to me about how "it only takes 4 now" which he's right, and he mentioned autumn, himself, me, and ali. Which, that's a 4 I would love to go forward with for the time being, i like to think ive had good genuine talks with them 3 in particular, and now we can start get together maybe lock something in and if we make it to a merge or even another swap we at least have something to work with with each other, but we'll see, we gotta focus on immunity first now, id love to win just to for sure see any of the other people who lied to me go home oop so while i may be feeling ok now i just have to remember to simmer down and play smart and make the right connections with the right people i need and saying the right things to whomever needs to hear it, because that's what i do best in these type of games to stay alive, i feel like my intuition has been leading me ok so far this game so im just gonna keep basing my decisions off that and charging forward PERIOD and ill damn sure do it with or without the help of the tomb because a bitch can not get in ive tried over and OVER at this point im back to pounding on the door of it just hoping if im annoying enough yall will let me in!

i'll do a proper game confessional later but me and dan are both judges for the svalbard music video challenge and its so sad that we cant talk... its like... this could be us working on a music video if things were different kjlsdfa its missing dan and jake hours

Whew! Sorry about that what happened was I ran out of anxiety meds a few days and that rant was the commutation of being with out sanity pills for three days! Everything is fine! I am fine! People are fine! I am sorry to the future Thoth 2.0 tribe, you are all great, I just get very spirally when I am without some sort of stabilizing force! Sorry to the hosts for using this as a diary this is not a diary this is survivor... Anyway this time I have some more constructive things to add! Okay so things are fine. Dan and I continue to bond, though he had to call me out on being bad at communication in order for our relationship to progress. I get it was like a check point or whatever and frankly I appreciated it. Like I said in my rant yesterday I have massive paranoia when comes to interacting with people and whether they like me or not, so constructive feedback while annoying is always helpful. Plus through research I found that he values a good social game so the fact that he's reaching out and telling me what I'm doing wrong is probably a sign that I'm not a lost cause :D. It turns out we have a few mutual friends our lord and savior John Coffey and also Sarah,... Lynn to be specific there are like a shit ton of Sara(h)s so should probably clarify lol. I want to work with him. I know he's in the majority alliance with the brawn tribe, which also contains Jakey and Jordan. Considering the fact that the beauties are slowly but surely getting eliminated, their favor would be helpful to me and mine. However, I know for sure that one of them wrote my name down. Honestly probably both of them. I know I keep harping on this fact but I just really really don't like the idea of looking like an idiot by aligning with someone who wanted me dead or wanted to fuck with me. If we do lose this challenge we are going to have to figure out who to keep or who to eliminate, I feel like it should be between those two. Mostly because I'm not exactly comfortable with a brawn majority. Like I know how people are saying tribe lines don't matter and while they don't, advantages do. And what more advantageous than being in a majority alliance? If we get rid of a brawn that would make it 4 brains- 4 beauty - 5 brawn. Which seems a bit more fair lol. Also RIP Connor remember how I said he was a threat? Welp I guess this is why they don't ask me for cast assessments :/ and also cause I was dead for like several years.

absolutely nothing has happened in fact i was kinda in a ~mood~ today so i feel like my social game took a big L because i didnt feel like talking to anyone and i was busy so i kept being that bitch to responding once an hour ..... but in other news i finally accessed the tomb, and once i started using more than one brain cell at a time i was able to get in and it was actually about 10x easier than i was making it out to be im not sure WHY i was struggling so much but of course, to no surprise i finally get in and the pedestal is empty AGAIN. Now there's not only at least 1 idol from the last time i went in the tomb gone, but there's possibly a second too, if not an advantage that can easily be played against me. At this point all i can do is try and recover a little bit, tomorrow ill have to just try more with my conversations and hopefully one of the people i can somewhat trust is the person who has whatever was in their time time around but probably not, it's never that easy

okay so i have a video confessional from earlier uploading which is kind of a recap of the last two rounds BUTTT!! liam just finished editing our video and i love it!! he did so good and our tribe all tried our best... im just hoping the other tribe didn't go bananas all out, because if they didn't we should hopefully win... i really wanna win immunity because otherwise i feel like adam is gonna be the vote and i dont want that anymore KJASDFA. i would just be sad because idk who the alternative would even be.... so basically we better win immunity KJLSADFA

Me: Alright everyone, make sure you film horizontally!!! Devon: Fuck you

Honestly!!! I take back what i said about Kendall. I feel like we’re making some strides to work together??? Or she’s playing me? I’m hoping to stir a Devon vote this round because I think he threw the vote on Kendall to piss me off, but who knows. I wanna talk to Jakey and see what he thinks about a me/him/augusto/Amir alliance to get through this vote? Idk I trust him but who knows!!!! Maybe everyone is lying to me??? 

okay... i know i said god is a woman and her name is autumn but its time for the remix. god is a woman and her name is alyssa's mum because alyssa's mum just rescued us from defeat in that challenge JKASDF the judges were kinda unnecessarily harsh but we move on. basically for the other tribe's tribal, i hope jake/dan/devon live... hopefully another scary old school person goes but tbh who knows what is going to happen?! im just so happy to have made f13, i said i'd come 14th in my intro so we love surpassing my own expectations

the immunity challenge went well, we won, which is good because i just didnt feel like going to tribal council because im honestly unsure what the hell is going on, i wanted to feel good about the connor vote because obviously that was my plan from the start however he just made it a little too easy by not talking to a lot of people allegedly, up until right before the vote, i dont think there'd be an easy vote next time we go to tribal, unless ... it's me... am i the easy vote?? i wanna really think im not but its just always too quiet to me when we dont go to tribal there's also lots of talk and speculation about a possible merge at 13, but me and my vivid imagination aka paranoia think maybe another swap of some sort could still happen even if for just another round or 2, i never knew with you sneaky hosts!! also i know we won in the challenge but we wouldve won in the challenge by even more if liam used more footage of my video i sent in i feel like i got no screentime!!! but of course i kept my big mouth shut for once because there's no i in team so ill try not to throw too much of a diva fit but listen... i tried to give yall a DEATH DROP, and i pulled a wig ruveal by snatching off my hat, and i was giving you a whole tik tok dance i made myself..... but there was no way i was doing more than beyonce's part so he didnt have much to work with so touche .... the full version i made will just be deleted scenes for myself ill reflect on when im more mature and think to myself "what the fuck was i doing?" 

So not to my surprise, we end up losing the challenge AGAIN!! I've just accepted that I really don't have any luck in this game. I was really hoping that we'd just win every challenge until the merge because I'm over going to tribal and voting people out. I feel like going to the amount of tribal councils that I have has left a huge target on my back. But at the same time, I'm playing the game more than other are. Maybe I have that going for me, who knows. Anyways, the Thots alliance is deciding on either Devon or Dan for this vote. I basically told them I was good with either, even though I would perfer to keep Devon so that I at least have more of an opportunity to rebuild our relationship. I've made it very clear that if the group as a whole wanted to do Devon that I'd write his name down to prove that I trust this group moving forward. So we decide to go with Dan for this vote, and this doesn't really sit well with Jakey. I'm not surprised by that, since I know he's wanted Kendall out for awhile now. But he is really adamant that he doesn't want Dan to go. Which I get, he thinks that Dan would trust him moving forward. When it comes to Dan though, his social game lacks so much that it's like "I don't even know if I can trust him moving forward". And I think the fact that Jakey more so wants to target Kendall this round instead of Dan is a strong sign for me. I'm pretty positive he has an idol since the brain one has been found and he's lied to me about clues before. So this has me thinking, maybe it's a good time to get Jakey out this round? Thinking about it numbers wise for the future, we don't really need Jakey's vote for a majority this round since the four beauties and myself makes 4, and if we bring in Devon that's 5. Plus, I don't even think that Jakey's under the impression that he would... get voted out this round. He seems offly confident that he's staying, just that Dan's going. But I like to think he'd let Dan be a sinking ship and go.. Idk I'm gonna try to pitch this to Amir and see what he thinks. I kind of tried to hint around it to Augusto that Jakey wasn't cool with it, but Augusto kind of turned a blind eye at that. And I don't trust Kendall with my thoughts since she's very blunt... so I wouldn't be surprised if she leaked my plans. Similarly to what Devon did when I voted him out last week. I'm hoping that Amir will see where I'm coming from and that he might be open to that concept. For all I know, I could be voted out this round. And honestly, that'd be the smart move for them to make because my perception in the game so far has been pretty spot on. I think my self awareness this time around has been an asset for me, so I'm hoping that I can get by this vote and hopefully enter the merge soon. 

Coming back into the game, I knew I needed to open up a bit and start to Slither earlier than I would imagine. After throwing a vote onto Kendall, I broke down any chance between the Beauty and Brawn working together to knock out myself and Scott. I haven't told anyone about my vote, and don't plan to. Going into this vote, Dan should be the obvious choice. OG Brawn hasn't suffered any additional losses in numbers, and I'm just too close with Augusto/Amir/Kendall to consider flipping. In preparation of tonight NOT being a swap, I established an alliance with Amir and Augusto. They are a duo in every sense, but attaching myself to them sets up the opportunity to at least CONSIDER voting out Scott next round. It would have to be between him and Scott. 

All I got to say is oof… I genuinely thought I was on vacation after the last round like I’ve been SO bad about talking to people or at least that’s how I felt cause I was operating at 60% instead of the 110% I do when I socialize. That being said, I have my goals that I want to stick to and see happen. Dan needs to leave this tribal so I can get Jakey out next even if Dan leaving makes me really sad. Dan leaving takes a number away from the Brawn and a number away from Jakey, who I am able to get out by keeping Devon and having him/Kendall/myself/Amir vote for him if we happen to lose again. The alliance of me/Kendall/Amir/Jakey/Scott went on call last night and it was deadass an hour and a half long call where everyone was like “idk who should go but I’m fine with whatever” although… that certainly wasn’t the case. I, personally, made points that were pro-Devon such as Devon not having any clear allies to reunite with at merge and things like that and EVENTUALLY at the last 5 minutes of the call, we decided that Dan leaving is the better option. Scott and I even discussed a Brawn having to go before we even did the call so yeah. One thing I could tell though? Jakey was not having it. I understand his frustration but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I voted out AJ to prove that I am not here to play by tribal lines and you said you would do the same but here we are… Amir called me last night telling me about how Jakey was trying to strong arm him into voting Devon out because Jakey didn’t want to do Dan… like sir, I’m? I’m very happy that Amir came to me and confided in me to kinda spill out his emotions like that makes me <3 but it also made me wanna pop off at Jakey because I don’t like those approaches in games hgfjdks even if I do really like Jakey, I was just ugh gjfdks. That aside, I feel like I am doing good about getting information and building friendships out here like I’m DEADASS is almost every single alliance on the tribes I’ve been a part of and while I don’t get tons of info from direct sources (ie. Jakey), I get the information from close allies (ie. Amir) which in a way can be even better? That being said, I’ve been way too good at forming friendships that every vote makes me feel really bad? With Dan for example, I adore that man like even if he isn’t the most talkative he’s just amazing. But does Dan benefit my game as much as Devon? Not really, even if Dan wanted to align. I’m sticking to my promise of doing what I have to do and be a little bit more cutthroat than I usually am because I do genuinely want to win this game and I’ll do what it takes to get there. Honestly, I’d be SHOOK if we do not merge next round or the round after ghfjdksm but I’m just trying to plan ahead and look at my connections. My Thoth connections are Amir > Kendall > Devon > Scott > Jakey whereas my Hathor connections are Autumn > Duncan > Adam (?) > TJ > Jordan > Liam M > Ali. If we do merge, making a secret thing with Autumn would be KEY just to have another person in my corner but also I need to connect with a Brawn to be good with them yknow? It’ll definitely be interesting and I can see the merge being messier than a taco bell bathroom BUT I’m hyped at the same time?

How is it already Day 16? There seems to be something seriously wrong with that. Anywho, I've let myself take a quick step back on the social game these last few days. I think I've put in the work to cement a couple strong groups here and can put myself in a good spot, but now I can avoid being the person that probably would be seen as a huge threat in the near future. Once merge hits (which I'm hoping is this next round), I'm going to have to go back to bringing that social game to a 9 (10 is where the Alyssa threat level begins), but right now I'm hopefully putting myself in a good place. In the event we don't have a merge and have one more vote on Hathor, I really think I need to make a move on Ali. I realize I keep saying this and I'm going to feel awful when he sees this all, but he is such a HUGE threat, and I can't let him skate by to where there's no room to stop him. I made that mistake last time in letting the person I knew would win get too far without me being able to stop them. Not this time. Ain't no fucking way.

This may very well be my last confessional lmao. I’m just feeling very paranoid about this vote and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone votes for me except for Jakey. Or if he even flips to the majority against me. And honestly! I’ve come to terms with it. I really tried my best in the game and I can’t be mad about how I performed in this game specifically. I understand I’m a threat in these games and if people are worried about me end game, quite frankly they should be. I know that I’ve played Tumblr Survivor one too many times and should have quit while I was ahead. I know I’ve talked about working with Kendall and killing Devon, but honestly idk who is voting where. I think I’m going to try to just go with what I think is majority (against Kendall) and just hope to god I’m not going anywhere. I hate having this defeatist attitude, but if I get voted out I’m going to have zero hard feelings and take it in stride. I guess I’m just not cut out to win tumblr survivor ❤️

Our video was so iconic, SHOUT OUT TO ALYSSA'S MOM!!! I should really be making sure im fortifying the bonds i've made but im really just happy to be on break and not have tribal. I've only been to tribal once within a 7 day time span instead of the 4 times in 7 days the brains endured before. I will say i was positively shook to get the vote from connor, but i never thought i could play a perfect game anyways lol. I'm hoping to god that dan or jakey go, i dont want the brawns over here to have other options than autumn and i come merge. Im surprised at myself because im starting to really want to stick with all these people come a merge, i suppose we'll see how it goes and how my attitude changes moving forward. 

Sooooooo I actually felt kind of bad about voting for Dan until he was throwing my name out :/ I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm kind of nervous now. Like Jakey told me this and he did the same thing to AJ. Also I haven't heard anything from Scott yet... that's sketchy right? Ugh I swear if I'm voted out then Alyssa's mom, I will meet you in the Denny's Parking lot for a fight. I'm not afraid to throw hands at the elderly, ask Drew. 

We love when men listen to me an in turn we win immunity! This is now the second time that's happened lmao cause I sure did make everyone commit to a time block so we didn't play ourselves in the endurance challenge and I sure did suggest Telephone as the song choice so wooooo Not a lot has happened and I don't have a lot of time to talk to begin with but I have a strong feeling we are not merging tonight lmao. Tbh I look forward to another day on Hathor it's very chill over here, all things considered. Also I need a couple chill challenges the next two rounds cause ya girl is moving, graduating, and leading an underground movement all at the same time so don't set me up with a crazy time-consuming challenge lol

I feel vindicated. Starting off in this game, I was not doing so well gameplay wise. Flash forward, I've been a big contributor physically, and socially too! I've got big plans, and I will carry this tribe again if I have to!

(may've already submitted this but i'm worried i submitted it for day 18?)

Also...

ok let me just start by saying: im in an emotionally FRAGILE state at the moment writing this right after the winners at war finale.....SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT SEEN BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT....NATALIE AND WINCHELE ROBBED, as inspired as i am by my aries sistren natalie and think she should've won, im even more upset for my fellow beauty sister michele because lowkey? i absolutely LOVE the way michele plays, because in my own head at least i like to think i at least play slightly similar, i like to lay low and just adapt to where i see i can fit the best, anywho thats all ill say on that, back to THIS game dan being voted out last round, was kinda meh, i had the tiniest conversation with him during one world and he did end up giving me some tea about the brawns, but i couldve easily tried working with him later on against the beauties, PLUS him leaving means that none of those false beauties left, which is bad for me because i want them all gone oop and ive worked hard over here trying to make sure everyone knows they are threats even if theyre not working together, they went against me and lied to me, which means i cant trust them or work with them, which means i need to make sure no one else does either it's very nice though duncan has approached me and asked who i was comfortable with incase we did go to tribal and he said him and jordan pines were pretty close and honestly jordan is the only one ive been on a call with this whole game which is fine because anyone who knows me knows i dont care for calls much in this game and that usually hurts me so im hoping its not hurting me this time but truly, im not sure people are approaching me way more with information and plans then they ever have so im hoping thats a good sign, espcially with duncan saying he basically wanted me to be in the know with him, i think i can trust him as of now going foward and i hope the same about jordan pines, because first of all i love his energy and him as a person my fellow stoner crackhead, and second of all let's be real i definitely want to use him as a shield later on cmon the guy has a season named after him, forget denise being the queen slayer, i want to be the king tamer also in good with ali and autumn i think?? i personally enjoy my short little convos i have with them frequently so i just hope we're on the same page, but idk the little voice in the back of my head is telling me it all seems too good to be true almost like a perfect illusion and maybe duncan is tricking me trying to talk to me about "keeping this tribe strong", so i guess we'll have to wait until the next time we go to a tribal together to find out so yeah in conclusion, sorry to dan, and plot twist of the century im rooting for jakey to not be voted out the other tribe? even though im still convinced he could be making me his number 1 target especially if he gets in kahoots with kendall, but im hoping i played them against each other enough during the one world so that didnt happen 

What do ya know....another tribal council. After only being exempt from one tribal, this has become somewhat of a routine. I am extremely confident in the numbers this round. I'm under the belief that everyone will be writing down Jake's name, and Jake will likely be writing down my/Kendall's name. Still, I believe there is a worry about idols. I would hate to be idoled out by Jake after everything I have worked towards...I can't afford to throw my vote on Kendall or Scott with the merge coming up so soon, because it fractures my game going into a potential merge...Somewhat of a "all or nothing" bet tonight.

Me @ the brawns who have been on this tribe: https://media.giphy.com/media/szPZ2NXIGCMcE/giphy.gif

So a couple new developments: 1. Jordan offered me a final two which I'm sooooo excited to see how that's going to turn out. I've really connected with Jordan this game (which admittedly I didn't think would happen before this game), but he's been the person I've confided in the most out here. So I really think this is going to be the start of something amazing. 2. With this F2 deal, Jordan told me that Amir/Jakey knew each other outside of this game. This is bad for me both because Jakey is supposed to be my other guy with Jordan, but also Amir is the person I'd want to target come merge (which should be next round). I have zero connection to him, he's proven to be good at comps, he's won this game before, and he doesn't add into my plan of having numbers on every side. So now I'm in a spot where I think I'll probably have to make a move against potentially my closest / other closest ally in this game. Being safe right before the potential merge feels amazing and opens a lot of opportunities, but is extremely scary knowing who is going to merge. Hopefully come to merge, I have a chance at the merge idol to avoid anyone else having the chance at getting it, because I need some added knowledge in this game.

I am so fucking pissed at Devon. WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRAINS IF YOU HAVE NO BRAIN CELLS!!!!!!! dsfjkaafkjdaldjfjadksjads Great now I get to die!

I don't know why Jakey wants to kill me. I am not a threat. Like at all? Most of the strategies I come up with are bad and I am barely social? Sure I guess I can win like a challenge or two but not enough to be physical? I mean I'm trying to kill him but like... honestly he started it 2 rounds ago. I am a paper tiger worse I am a paper giraffe. Sure I'm tall but basically harmless and only sort of evil. At least I remember why I hated him so much. I don't hate him NOW, I'm 22 years old I have better things to do then hate some guy for trying to win a game. But I am annoyed and inconvenienced by this. Maybe a little hurt too because the only reason I can think to get voted out is because my personality sucks so much that he doesn't see a future where we can work together. Which is fair I guess? But I can't be that awful right? God this game is a constant existential crisis... Also I think people are annoyed with me for being paranoid and shit. Oh I'm sorry people who's name isn't getting written down, I'm sorry I'm not more pleasant while I'm in fear for my metaphorical life. 

It’s a MESS ITS A FUCKING MESS SCOTTIE WANTS DAN OUT DAN WANTS DEVON JAKEY WANTS DEVON DEFON WANTS DAN AUGUSTO AND KENDALL WANT JAKEY AMIR WANTS NOT JAKEY OR AUGUSTO OR KENDALL I literally don’t have number in this game and I’m going to get fucked on at the merge 

Okay so Augusto basically told him that his name was an option for this vote or the next one and Kendall told him that the brawns are bringing up his name and said that he was the throw away vote So now my gut is telling me dan did it and jakey was in on it But I don’t care, if that’s the case Everyone on this tribe wants a brawn out, EVERYONE I just have to make sure it’s not jakey Because Augusto and Kendall want jakey now and I refuse it Rn it seems they r okay doing dan It seems everyone is cool doing dan So I’m happy with that

Jakey is fucking strong arming me r u joking Ndbdjdjsns Jakey talked to scottie And got scottie to want devon So now they’re gonna try and call the alliance tmmrw and change to vote back to devon over dan And if Augusto and Kendall don’t want to Jakey wants to pull brain and brawn to vote kendall like sir I’m literally getting strong armed, and he can’t see why people want dan out I could make a move rn But should I even I probably shouldn’t If they try to get kendall I will flip it on him 

don’t know what to do I’m pleading so hard with jakey rn like hey it’s not good for me to go into merge with 6 brawn 4 beauty (dysfunctional) and 3 brain (dysfunctional) And I said I want to do dan is that okay like jakey u need to choose a side, brawns, or this tribe And he goes If u decide to do dan Then I’m gonna unite dan and Scott and Devon and vote kendall So if that’s the case, I’m sending u home theres no way around it then

Throw back to last night when I hung up on jakey to call Augusto and told jakey that I was taking a shower but literally I was gone for an hour and needed an excuse fast so I told him i shaved my ass call that strategic ass shaking 

Okay so this tribal. Everyone on my tribe thinks jakey is evil and he’s just going to go back to the brawn tribe, which is like, wtf, he literally voted in minority on purpose and gave us leverage on him. Like he literally has put himself on the line multiple times. He ratted out the brawn majority over and over. Like jakey is not loyal to the brawns on the other side at all. The people on this tribe don’t give a shit and my opinion isn’t being heard at all, Kendall won’t budge and Augusto won’t budge, and Scott wants to keep devon. Can I just say scott is a rat, he is playing every single person. Jakey trusted him soooo much . Anyway, everyone wants jakey out for literallt no reason and jakey trusts me 100% and jakey is the best way to get info from the brawns on the other side. Anyway, KDJDKSN KDNDKD we are getting dirty. Jakey has an idol. And I told him he was the vote and I made it sound like it’s all Scott’s decision cuz I’m really tight with Kendall and Augusto, so now, jakey wants to idol out Scott Basically, it’s time for a cluster fuck and it’s time for chaos So at merge jakey and I will play from Opposite sides

so jakey fking tried to flip the vote and he blew up the 5 person alliance to devon and hes fucking up my game so much nkwejfnkew god maybe i will try and get him out at merge even tho i love him, i basically had to ccreate this narrative that jakey thinks that me jakey scott and devon are voting kendall but jakey is actually voting out scott jesus christ thi round gave me a migraine i have a case of the lie-abetes

I- there's nothing else to say hahaha the boys don't even talk game. So when I know something y'all will know something

People are paranoid as hell about a merge. What is there to be paranoid about, honestly? I've just tried to come into this game and have a good time and I think I've achieved that. No one is really looking at me as a threat right now, and there's still plenty of time left to play.

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which i will upload but adam just woke me up to the fact that we might be merging tonight?! which is so exciting and kinda crazy.... and the days line up with montenegro for us to be merging... at merge i think all my "laying low" can finally be for something and i can transition the bonds i've been making into making stuff happen. i've also been hosting a game during these quarantine times and i've realised people that do too much making SUCH deep bonds during the early stages become the people the jury is mad at in the endgame. i feel like im the middle ground, people feel close to me (and I would like to think I've come across as likable) without everyone thinking im their soul sister closest ally. at merge i think my "close" people who i can somewhat rely on are: autumn, jake, dan(?), jordan(?) and adam? like i have a core of people with various connections, which gives me some cover. its just about then feeling out the rest and seeing who i can trust amongst the rest... particularly the unknowns of augusto/kendall/scott/amir (assuming they are all at merge). like that is going to be the most important part of the merge stage for me, is figuring out which of them i can trust (and i do think dan and/or jake's opinions can help with this, because brainstorming with autumn helped me figuring out this hathor swap tribe).

i'm excited for merge... i do think i have early juror written all over me but i am also very excited. its time to emerge from the shadows and stumble my way into the light

live fast die young merge boots do it well. i literally am a clown, i got excited by my guess going so well and now i literally am a target the size of the sun exclusively because of my own actions what was i thinking KJASDFA honestly at this point? i embrace it, i push the 'im a shield' narrative and i trot on my little trotters to being mayor of ponderosa. this season i chopped of my own head so will not be the winner and the king, but hopefully i can be a kingmaker? also if me winning the tiebreak sends jake home i literally will be so unspeakably frustrated with myself i will literally... scream. HE PROBS HATES ME. i'm praying he lives i will feel so bad if he doesnt KLASDF

i literally... can not believe i am so stupid my lack of braincells really boggles my mind

So I was really hoping that we would win this challenge today because I like everyone on this tribe. But of course with my luck in this game, we lose AGAIN. And it's a shame because I like the Thots Alliance and i feel bad voting out Devon. I know he's someone who trusts me and although I don't 100% trust him, I know that he's someone I can depend on. Plus he makes a really good goat at the end, so it'll make winning more of an obstacle for me without him there. To my surprise however, Kendall and Augusto approach me with the idea of voting out Jakey. I really like Jakey and I practically see him as my #1 here, so voting him out would be difficult for me to do as well. We've discussed the idol together, he gave me his CBS all access account info to watch the finale, and hes one of the very few smart people in this game. So on a personal level, this is a hard decision to make. However, from a game perspective, it might be the right call. Jakey's setting himself up to be a swing vote at the merge, and the fact that he campaigned for Dan to stay and was adamant on not voting him out shows that. When it comes to Devon and I, I would prefer to not vote Devon out but if I needed to in order to show that I trust an alliance moving forward I would. So the fact that Jakey doesn't see it like that is alarming to me. In addition to that, I know that Jakey has lied to me multiple times in this game. He purposefully gave me the wrong idol clue for one of the matches, and when I called him out on it he bluffed it up. On top of that, I know for a fact that he voted for Kendall during the AJ vote. And the fact that he's trying to play it off on Devon goes to show the lengths he would go to make sure he controls everything. And on top of that, he wants us all to tell Devon straight up that he's going. Like... did he not learn from my story when I tried to do that? It can't happen. From a game perspective, voting out Jakey is the more logical choice to make. He can navigate better in a group of people and is aware of whats going on. Devon on the other hand, doesn't even know where the idol is or how to look for it. Devon is someone who you can take into a merge and know what he's going to do. Jakey is more unpredictable. And I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to rally up troops to blindside me when that time came. From a personal perspective, I prefer that Devon goes just because of the lack of trust between us and the fact that I don't ever see myself fully trusting him. Sadly I have to lose this battle in order to win the war at the end. So I'm going to vote Jakey out tonight and really hope that it doesn't come to bite me in the but or that he doesn't play his idol (i know he has one, its obvious with how paranoid he's been)

Guess I’m gonna cry because we lost… by a tiebreaker… it was sad. I feel especially awful because had I not made the mistake of repeating a name on my list during my 8th guess, we could’ve very well have won… but no one needs to know that! It just blows because going into a potential merge in a 7-5 scenario is NOT it. Plus like, their only vote was a unanimous vote for Connor which like… love Connor, but a rock could vote Connor out. I wanted to see tension, I wanted to see idols played, I wanted to see hands thrown, I wanted to see lines drawn, and I wanted to see messiness but all I ended up seeing? Disappointment. I hate it here deadass (‘:

Aside from being kinda sad we lost, I do feel super secure. Last round, I wanted Dan to leave to get rid of Brawn numbers and have the best chance to get Jakey out and now I have that! I know Amir is on the fence but I know Kendall and Devon would be all for it (Scott is as well, but I didn’t really know how much he’d be about it until this round) so it needs to happen. While I adore Jakey as a person and we’ve connected a lot, our strategic games don’t align at all since he doesn’t tell me much of anything? Most of his info goes to Amir or Scott and I’m being selfish here but I want all the tea (‘: plus him playing double agent with the Brawns at merge is not what I need if we’re going into the merge with not enough numbers. Not only that but Adam is a wildcard in terms of if he’ll work with me or not but Jakey being there with us makes it so Adam wouldn’t want to so there’s that. Girl… i sound like a whole ass gamebot wtf ghfdjnms

It’s so weird like I am extremely proud of the game I am playing but I still feel inadequate as a player? I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m ME but my two closest allies (Kendall, Amir) are playing so much better? Amir is able to get all the tea in the world and form those important game connections which I don’t feel like I can yknow? With Kendall, she is just so bold (and beautiful) with her gameplay in a way I could never like she doesn’t mind being the secondary target, she talks to everyone and talks game with everyone, and stuff like that. So in a way, I’m probably not a major threat to people because those two icons are here BUT I also don’t know if that’ll make me seen like a non-factor… that’s just how I feel going into merge and it’s kinda mehhh idk ;-;

MERGE IS COMING. TOnight actually, people are speculating, but im the only one with the certainty that its tonight and im feeling wonderful. I think if I play my cards right Im gonna have a lot of options come merge. God pending Kendall does not die tonight (hopefully her beauties keep her alive) im gonna suggest we secret pair beware this shit and tsart working from opposite sides to keep each other safe. That will allow me to pick of people Im not working with, while hopefully ensure that people im not with who are with her will be detered from targeting me. Thats my plan but who knows what the true dynamics of merge will be. Ive been playing quiet so far but im about to become the star of teh show, my ego just cant take it.

i really feel like by getting a five i got jake voted out and i want to scream i literally am gonna be out for blood if he goes

[greatwhiteco-blog]

don’t beat yourself up, kid.

My anxiety got the best of me on Friday, at work. Since then I have been arguing with myself in my head, replaying the situations leading up to everything and how tomorrow I have to go back into that place. I thought of quitting. I thought of finding a competitor to work for. I understand I am kick ass at my job, but I have this one flaw that very well will hold me back from doing much of anything past this point - this damn anxiety.

My career is so important to me. It’s one thing in a long time that I take enormous pride in because I got there solo and plan to continue to move up in the world by hard work and dedication that I have for my job. If I continue to let my anxiety get the best of me, I am jeopardizing that. So I am building myself up at the same time I am tearing myself down. Classic. Fucking classic anxiety.

Some of the thoughts that are swirling around in my head. Speaking from my perspective, bear in mind. You are a fuck up. You are a horrible employee. You have no right in this industry. If you lose this job because you let words control your actions, then you will be shit out of luck. Why are you like this? Why can’t you be normal? You could have handled things so much better, but now because you got frustrated and spoke your mind clearly as you were feeling in the moment, you will never be taken seriously. 

At the same time, I’m trying my damn hardest to put all these techniques, tricks, and tips into place. During this spell of anxiety, I did say in my head “this is the anxiety and you can calm yourself down.” It didn’t work, but it was the first time when I’m seeing red that I had a rational voice in my head spark up with a reminder that there is a name for this. I wasn’t crazy.  In the long run, it turned out to be just an acknowledgement and I wasn’t able to act on it quite yet. 

The counselor, Pam, from the domestic abuse place said to practice grounding. When I start to feel panicky and short of breathe. I can feel the patience leaving my body and I want nothing more than to run. Generally, those symptoms occur when I’m in large crowds though. That’s like a whole another version. No, the shit that happens at work - I work with this lady who I believe is complete transparent. She preaches she cares about the business and the employees, but when given the opportunity she will belittle and make inappropriate comments. I’ve held it together fairly well for the first two incidents, but by the third, my stone wall of professionalism is cracking. 

Let me explain what I don’t believe it appropriate in the office setting. Threatening to make someone else’s job hard - aka “You WILL have a hard time here, girl”. First off, I’m 26, not a young girl. I work her the same as you do and should have the same respect. Also being told “You better stop right now!” when calmly stating this is not appropriate manner to talk to coworkers. Mind you this was in front of two other co workers. 

The second time, I was the only client focused employee in the entire building. The phone rings. No one goes to answer it by the third ring, I grabbed it. What does this same woman do, come over to me while I am on the phone and demand that I put her on hold and then look at my client and apologize on my behalf and state “She should have put her on hold!” Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t need your to apologize to a client when I had already done so because I was forced to pick up the phone because NO ONE else even bothered.

Then Friday, again on the phone. Instead of waiting patiently to do her transaction in the midst of a chaotic busy spurt knowing we were already stressed to the max. Again the phone rings, I put on hold this time, not once but even twice to try to help with the flow we were getting hit with. What does she? Walks up and makes her presence known. Like “I am standing here and I shouldn’t be and you are clearly not doing your job.” You know what I was doing instead, helping a client on the phone with an immediate quick need. So what does she do? She writes out a pissy note and then holds it up into my face stating “Can we call them back?!” I answer with a firm “No.” considering the last time I had her in my face while trying to help a client on the phone. Then she goes over to the other teller and says “This is exactly what I was talking about! The perception!” and shakes her head. Yeah, the perception is and was I was fucking busy. You pissing and moaning about it and getting obviously irritated with it is going to create that perception. 

Fuck off. I’m still pissed. I just I get it. I’m new. I’m good at what I do and have endless potentially at my finger tips should I be able to tackle this one hurdle. Her though. She’s been in the industry 25 years. She’s not going up anymore. She’s going to have to settle with what she has now and she is realizing there is no more up for her. Especially with the amount of mistakes she makes. 

In my career thus far, people who act poorly have been excused with “They feel threatened.” To me, that’s not an excuse and instead sounds like a plea to dull it down to keep the peace. I’m doing my damn job. I shouldn’t have to dull down because someone is intimidated by the potential I hold. 

Here comes the anxiety though - I’m not that great. In fact, I have a lot to learn and I am a flight risk. I wanted to just walk out the other day. I’m bringing up concerns over and over again (this is the third fucking time!) and it would appear we just want to settle the issue without actually resolving the issue. I was told if anything feels overwhelming or makes me uncomfortable then I should bring those issues up with the big boss. Well big boss seems to want to appease everyone and therefore put a bandaid on a crack. 

The women too, the one I continually have beef with, had the audaicuty to bring up how long she has been in this industry and that she has never had these problems with anyone else. 

That they were willing to admit to you. Let me put that into caps for those in the back. THAT THEY WERE WILLING TO ADMIT TO YOU.

I have never held back. When something is wrong, I will tell you. Confrontation doesn’t scare me. Other people’s feelings are not my concern when I barely have a grip on my own. Yes, I work in a team atmosphere, but I have real issues with someone who casts a golden light on themselves when those who matter are around, but turn into a shitty ass person when the doors close. They “don’t” use their personal struggles as excuses when they most certainly should be able too and they demand respect for that. No no no. Respect is not given freely. It has to be earned. We all have our shit going on and I’m willing to admit when I am wrong. Yes, Karen, you have the right to be a bitch at work because your life sucks at the moment? No. The same could be said for me. I don’t have the right to be a bitch at work. I’m working on it though and not pretending there isn’t a problem. Big difference there. 

What do I do about this? This problem that isn’t going away any time soon? I’m not sure. It’s bothering me considerable and I feel it’s not being addressed. I pride myself on my job and I love it dearly, but my confidence in the establishment is faltering because the company is allowing such people to cause an amazing amount of turnover. I saw another case where a woman in another branch controlled this reign of intimidation and having her way causing other to leave and avoid her at all costs. I work with another. The position I am in has been unstable with high rate of turn over of employees because 1.) the job is incredibly hard without all this extra bullshit and 2.) having another controlling force belittle and disrespect you in front of customers and fellow employees.

This whole three day weekend I have let me thoughts control me around this. I need to brush myself off and pick myself up again and prove I am beyond this. I can handle this and I can handle more. That is what is going to get me away from this woman as quick as possible. 

[oselatra]

The battle for Hillcrest

Tippi McCullough and Ross Noland square off to represent perhaps the House's most progressive district.

On May 22, voters will decide between Tippi McCullough, a longtime teacher and activist, and Ross Noland, an attorney and nonprofit director, in a race to represent downtown and midtown Little Rock in the state legislature. Actually, only Democratic voters will decide the race, but in House District 33, which stretches across Little Rock's midsection, from Reservoir Road to the River Market, south of Riverdale and mostly to the north of Interstate 630, there's not much distinction between Democratic voters and all voters. It's perhaps the state's most reliably liberal district.

After serving three terms, Democratic Rep. Warwick Sabin announced last year he would not seek re-election, but would instead explore running for Little Rock mayor. The winner of the Democratic primary will win the November election by default; no Republican or Libertarian candidate filed to run.

At a debate sponsored by the Pulaski County Democratic Party held Monday at Philander Smith College, McCullough and Noland substantively agreed on all policy questions: Both oppose Governor Hutchinson's proposal to reduce income tax rates on the state's highest earners, think charter schools should not be able to grow unchecked, believe that public schools are underfunded, argue that the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences needs more state funding and support the preservation of War Memorial Park as green space.

McCullough and Noland live one street apart in Hillcrest, but their backgrounds and policy priorities separate them, each candidate said in an interview.

McCullough, 54, has taught English at Little Rock Central High School for the last four years. Before that, she spent 14 years at Mount St. Mary Academy, which fired her in 2013 for marrying her longtime partner, Pulaski County Deputy Prosecuting Attorney Barbara Mariani. The Catholic girls' school said McCullough had violated a morality clause in her contract, though according to McCullough, her relationship with Mariani was no secret at the school. The firing led to a public outcry; McCullough and Mariani traveled around the country sharing their story on behalf of the Human Rights Campaign's advocacy for LGBT rights.

The experience "opened my eyes a little bit" to politics, McCullough said. She became president of the Stonewall Democrats in 2014, which in turn got her more involved in state Democratic politics. It was a natural transition from LGBT advocate to political activist. "LGBT people are people — they have the same issues everyone else does" with housing, jobs and health care, she said. In January 2017, she became the chair of the Pulaski County Democratic Party. (She stepped back from active leadership during the campaign and plans to resume her duties after the election.)

On the campaign trail, McCullough likes to say, "I've lived in Little Rock for nearly 20 years, and I'm fortunate to live in Hillcrest, but I didn't grow up there." She was raised by a single mother in Hot Springs. She was the first in her family to get a college education, thanks, McCullough says, to her basketball skills, which landed her a scholarship at Ouachita Baptist University in Arkadelphia. After graduation, she got a job coaching basketball and teaching English in Kingston (Madison County) and later Mountain Pine (Garland County) and Newport. She was the first woman to be president of the Arkansas Basketball Coaches Association. (Asked in the debate Monday how she would govern in the minority party, she cited that leadership, saying the association looked a lot like the legislature, which drew laughs from the audience.)

Coaching and teaching all over the state makes it easy for her to relate to people, she said. She's witnessed the "struggles" of her students and their families, "whether it was because they were homeless or hungry or suffering abuse." That experience, along with her involvement in the Arkansas Education Association, which she said "strives to improve students' lives at school and also the teaching profession as a whole," gives her an edge in the campaign, she said. "Every door I knock on, when I ask them the most important issue to them, they say, 'Education.' "

McCullough is vice president of the Hillcrest Residents Association. When the Hillcrest Merchants Association considered shuttering the popular Hillcrest HarvestFest, she volunteered to step in to run the fest.

Noland, 37, is a lawyer who divides his time between his firm, specializing in environmental litigation, and serving as executive director of the Buffalo River Foundation, a nonprofit dedicated to cooperative conservation in the Buffalo River watershed. He cites his Arkansas bona fides on the campaign trail. He was born and raised in Little Rock and graduated from Central High School in 1999 as "Mr. Tiger Spirit." He received his undergraduate and law degrees from the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville, before completing a master's degree in environmental law at George Washington University in Washington, D.C. After working at a private firm in D.C., he returned to Little Rock to clerk for Pulaski County Circuit Judge Mary McGowan. Then he joined U.S. Sen. Blanche Lincoln's staff as legislative counsel to Senate Committee on Agriculture, Nutrition and Forestry, which Lincoln chaired. After she was defeated by John Boozman, Noland returned to Little Rock and worked primarily on environmental litigation for the McMath Woods law firm for five years before going into solo practice and taking on the leadership position with the Buffalo River Foundation.

Noland says his experience gives him the edge in the campaign. He's seen the inner workings of government, from his time at the U.S. Senate to working as an attorney in Little Rock and writing bills that have become law and rules that became regulations.

His knowledge of environmental issues also separates him from McCullough, he said. "There is no leader out on environmental issues down there. If there's one thing that affects us all — rich or poor, black or white, north or south of the interstate — it's the air that we breathe and the water we drink. To me, it's one of the most important issues facing the state and the nation right now, and I don't think we have enough emphasis on it. ... As far as what I can get done, I'm fully aware that I'm running to be a freshman in the lower house in the minority party."

But Noland said issues he's campaigning on have broad-based appeal. He wants to make renewable energy more accessible to the average person. "We need to make it easy for retail customers to deploy solar, whether it's through access to financing or making sure they get a fair price when they put energy back into the grid," he said. "There's a freedom association to producing your own energy" that Republicans should appreciate. He also said the playbook for state conservation could be used in passing other environmental measures in the legislature.

"We have a strong outdoor recreation movement in Arkansas. It's key for the environmental and conservation movement to tie what you like to do outdoors on the weekend to the fact that you need clean air and water to do it — whether it's duck hunting or floating or whatever." Outdoor activity is a "huge economic engine" throughout the state, he said.

Noland is married to Ali Noland; they have two children, the oldest of whom is in pre-K in the Little Rock School District. "The fundamental role of the legislature is to perform oversight of its executive agencies," he said. "We've got to get a plan to return to local control of the school board," he said. Expanding pre-K throughout the state is also one of his priorities.

Noland said he supports the Seventh Amendment right to a jury trial and strongly opposes Issue 1, the legislatively referred constitutional amendment that would limit the amount of compensation juries can provide for noneconomic damages, such as in injury or wrongful death cases.

After years of being a "policy person," Noland said he decided to get involved in politics because of the political climate. "The time to act is now. If you're not pissed off about what's going on out there now, you're not paying attention," he said.

The battle for Hillcrest

[sereneaccord]

Sir! Ivan out! I quit!

This is my first article so if it’s full of errors, well....Tough shit, really. I never stated I was the best at writing. Besides, these days most people will switch off if an article is written in more than 140 characters.

Key points.

- Sir Ivan Rogers has stepped down as UK representative to the EU.

- Sir Ivan has raised concerns with the government's plan of action.

- Sir Tim Barrow has stepped in to replace him.

When I first started writing this article I was very guided in my thinking by the news outlets. The media made out that Sir Ivan Rogers had been heavily critical of the current government in his resignation letter and left us between a rock and hard place on our own. However, after reading his letter for myself it would appear that the media has done what it does best and made a big deal out of something trivial.

Yes, Sir Ivan has stepped down as the permanent representative of the United Kingdom to the European Union. Yes, he has left the government in a bit of a pickle leading up to the Prime Minister Teresa May triggering article 50. Yes, he has damaged the Brexit campaigns image. However, it isn’t all bad. Firstly his reason for stepping down can be summed up quite simply. His four year term is going to end later this year and he believes that leaving now will be more helpful than leaving part way through exit proceedings. This way, his successor Sir Tim Barrow, will be steering the ship from the get go. This of course brings its own problems and opportunities with it. Many will argue, myself included, that Sir Ivan has made things harder for everyone by being overly pro-EU even after the Brexit vote to leave. Negotiations between the UK and Brussels may not have improved for us over the last few years and as a result has left a bad taste in our mouths, so bad in fact, that we are now leaving the EU altogether. Or we will, if democracy isn’t swept under the rug before then.

Before the news went ape shit over Sir Ivan stepping down, I’d never actually heard of him. This is partly my own fault and partly because there hasn’t been a public facing election for his position, or not that I know of. I have been ignorant of many aspects of politics, I still am, but unlike many of my peers I am trying to educate myself on matters of importance. I believe that part of the reason why the Brexit campaign has suffered post referendum is because the man in charge of negotiating on our behalf has not shared the views of the majority vote, in this case, to leave the EU. He may not have done it deliberately but unfortunately it is human nature to let your prejudices and ideals shine through.

He has been criticised for resigning in such a public way. Though his resignation makes sense in some aspects. What he has done is far more dangerous than I think he realises. There is a rift down the middle of this country. One that seems to grow larger the closer to March we get. By pointing out that he has little faith in the current government in their efforts of breaking away he has given fuel to a fear many citizens harbour. Uncertainty is a very powerful emotion. It can paralyze even the most sound of mind individuals. The beginning of his letter consisted of the usual pleasantries of a resignation so why? Why did he have to point out in such a public way that the government is struggling? He may be right about them not knowing what is to come in the future but neither does anyone else. No one has done what we are about to do. If possible, had Sir Ivan negotiated a better deal for us in Europe we may not have needed the referendum in the first place. He argues that the government does not know what they want from the negotiations but in truth, it is the EU that will dictate how we leave. We should be trying to please them and give them what they want so we can keep the best parts of our current situation intact.

Because of his criticism over the current state of the government many people who voted for leaving the EU have now grown cautious and some might even have regrets. These people have suffered from being called racist and xenophobic, so it’s no wonder that they’d change their mind, or at least pretend to.

Arguably the best position to take is to emulate the current system with slight changes throughout the public and private sectors. I don’t think life for the average person will be hugely affected, at least not for a number of years after leaving. It’s going to take two years of pissing about to actually leave in the first place. He has voiced an opinion that whoever takes his place, soon to be Sir Tim Barrow, should not have to take an oath over Brexit but I both argue for and against that. Sir Tim should not be made to swear an oath as it seems a little overboard, however, the majority vote in the referendum was to leave the EU and therefore seems a little pointless in having someone dedicated to staying in in charge of negotiations. I don’t care how neutral you may proport to be on something your true intentions are going to shine through. We need someone who is willing to go the extra mile to secure a decent, if not the best, position for us in relation to the EU and the rest of the world. Again, like his predecessor, I know very little about Sir Tim Barrow. I have read that he is far more likely to negotiate harder on our leaving than Sir Ivan but without knowing more I have little to say otherwise. Sir Ivan had been in Brussels for many years and those he had worked with may have become complacent with his presence. However, this also causes a problem. Sir Tim will be the kid on the block and as such, looked down upon. His first impression must be humble but also firm for us to get the best possible outcome for the country. As we get closer to March when Teresa May triggers article 50 I think things will really flare up. If we do not get set to leave in March then the country may plummet into civil war. Most likely, and thankfully so, we probably won’t have thousands of bodies lying in the streets from fighting. I don’t think I hold any belief high enough to kill for and I’m pretty sure almost all of the people I know think the same way. The biggest rift in politics these days is between newer and older generations, however, the Brexit referendum was different. I know people from all ages who voted to stay in, and the same applies for those who voted to leave. The more educated were the ones to vote to stay and the less educated voted to leave. However, what the newer generations need to realise is that the older less skilled people are the ones who make the country run. You can have three degrees in philosophy but at the end of the day that means entirely shit all if you can’t put it to good use.

Leaving the EU is projected to benefit regular workers by leaving us to create our own laws and control the borders. Ideally you’d want everyone to be able to go anywhere, any time. However, that is only a fantasy at this point. Until external threats to the country have been neutralised it would be better for the country to be more insular. That does not mean, however, that we need to completely cut ourselves off. Whether you voted to stay or leave someone is gonna be miffed in the end. But remember, things don’t always go your way, it isn’t the end of the world. If you think a situation is shit, don’t just sit there and bitch. Go out and do something. Don’t sign a bloody petition though, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one work, at least not on important matters.