#but then again! imagine being 22 and still worrying if ppl like me or not smh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

redxblueihateloveyou · 3 years

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Ok so I've been stalking your blog for the past couple of hrs after seeing your TadaAi posts (I'm drowning in the period drama that is this ship) and I find you ship Tododeku and rinharu (god i can't stand bakudeku and makoharu) and seems like we share a lot of our views on fandom and ships probably because we're older (I'm 22). Followed and looking forward to your input in the future!

Also you might've given me the motivation to finish watching Free! XD

Hehe yay, please, we need more ppl in our “house of oldies”, make yourself at home lol. And we share a lot of ships?! Even better <3

I knooow, I can’t believe we’ve got a gay “master who fell in love with his servant” ship in the anime, just what I needed for my idiotic collection lmao

But also these two have too much going on between them, so much wasted potential in my opinion, it’d be so interesting to explore (but sadly no xD), they were still the only interesting thing for me lolz. I love complicated morons, who became the victims of a huge unrequited requited love misunderstanding, bc they’re insecure morons lmao and they just have 2 of my fav ships vibes, so it’s probably mostly this haha.

Oh, I’m inputting *wink wink*, can’t wait to finish the vid, I’m having too much fun with it. I’ve just literally spent several minutes trying to get whether I’ve put Tadashi’s sexy mole in the right distance from his eye in the “him moaning on the table” manip lolz. What can I say... I picked the best hobby, with all the support I’m getting with my vids, I’m living a dream xD

You know, I think I’ve said it before, but when it comes to bakudeku, I at least understand what ppl hope to see there and why, but like.. it’s just not happenning. Also imagining Bakugou lovingly hugging Midoriya is just so OOC I start laughing all the time. And whatever ppl say, in any ship whether they’re enemies or rivals or anything, if you can’t imagine them being tender with each other, smth is not right in my opinion. Also once again, who needs idiotic bleating Midoriya, idk. I’m just tired of the endless “die, deku/out of my way” yelling, I like watching Bakugou going to parties and amusement parks and doing silly stuff, too. Like I’ve said before, pride won’t ever let him change the way he behaves with Midoriya, even when they’re doing “great”. If he was the one, it wouldn’t have mattered, no matter how tough you are, and it wouldn’t take that long. I also don’t think they’re that kind of relationship, like they move each other for sure, sometimes, yeah (not always in a good way tho), but be together in a relationships? Can’t imagine that. Like not all rivals have the rivals to lovers dynamic, no matter what ppl say. But I get the shipping, bc 1stly these two are playing too huge of a role in each other’s lives, 2ndly Midoriya is obsessed with him and Bakugou obsessed with him too (just in a bad way lmao) and 3rd ppl want that “enemies to lovers” dynamic, since many love it (me included, when it done right and progresses right), so they’re trying to write that “to lovers” bridge, that just doesn’t fit here in my opinion, simply bc Bakugou won’t be soft with Midoriya, like ever in a way, you’d want, and I don’t think it’s possible for them to go there.

Tododeku on the other hand, 1stly they also play too huge of a role in each other’s lives, 2ndly Midoriya is obsessed with him too and Todoroki is lovingly obsessed with him in return, 3rdly they are also rivals to lovers, and I have no problem imagining the second part, it won’t be OOC, 4thly Midoriya when he’s with Todoroki is my fav Midoriya, he’s happy, he is cocooned and he’s badass af (and like when he told Endeavor to fuck off or yelled at Todoroki “the fuck are u doing?” xD are still the best), 5thly Midoriya forgets about Bakugou, when he’s with Todoroki a lot and it’s just funny to me, 6thly they healed each other so nicely, I can’t not be into that, 7thly when they’re together I have like 0 worries, idk I’m like “he will catch him” anyways haha, Bakudeku just don’t give me this vibe. It’s like yeah, they won’t let each other die, but it’s always this chaos of “out of my way”, “I don’t want your help” and “let me punch you before I punch the villain” that I’m just “oh for god’s sake, pls bring in Kirishima and Todoroki so we could just go home, it could’ve been solved in 2 minutes” lmao. Etc, etc.

Tododeku just have too many winning points over bakudeku for me, same with kiribaku over bakudeku, even tho I 100% get bakudeku as a ship ofc. Also idk whether things would be different if Todoroki wouldn’t exist in the equation, but the moment I saw that s2 scene where Bakugou started yelling and Todoroki just ignored him and was like “was Midoriya always this good?”, there was no going back to me XD. Like they both obviously see that Midoriya is wonderful, but only one reacted to that in a way that I wanted. And I’m a sucker for the ships who don’t give a fuck and like “yeah, I find him amazing and everyone should know that”. Todoroki is also one of those guys, who if you give them the much needed love, they’ll return it tenfold with a forever devotion. And all of my fav ships are like that: Yullen, Rinharu, Mikayuu, Wangxian, Akakuro, etc. They’re like “well, I ain’t an idiot to let someone this precious go”, you know lol

On the other hand, when it comes to Kirishima, Bakugou can do all kind of ridiculous thing I wouldn’t imagine he would do to keep him or make him happy, you know. Kirishima is also the only one, who can put his arm around Bakugou without it being cut off, so I don’t make the rules here lol.

So it’s not like I can’t stand bakudeku, more of like can’t imagine this work, to me it’s easier to imagine todobaku in a relationships, but not bakudeku lolz.

But when it comes to makoharu, I just have a huge problem with it and I will never get it. Bc they don’t bring anything good in each other like AT ALL, I don’t even understand what kind of relationships this is from their shipper point of view; they give each other nothing, and one of them is totally in love with someone else and wants a future with him. And that someone also head over heals with him and also wants a future with him. And I hate how 99,9 % of mh fans don’t give a fuck about Haru or Rin whatsoever and just ignore their character’s everything. Bc Makoto. I’m also like if you love him so much, the fuck would you want him to be with Haru anyways, dude doesn’t reciprocate, like at all. I’m at confusion, like name good points of this ship and what good can they do for each other characteristically. There is none, it’s like a damn swamp. Like usually I can give my notp some points, but this is like... they’re both no good for each other... like... why would anyone even want this idk. Don’t tell me “for the childhood friends” one-sided dynamic, like why won’t you also ship Shion with Safu then, like even he seemed more invested in that, than Haru in makoharu lol.

Even if you think of them from the point of view of “the two who are always walking together” ships, that are everywhere nowdays (even tho since Haru moved to Tokyo, he was always with Asahi instead), but even if... those kind of ships are usually at least make each happy and are enough for each other. Haru on the other hand, when he doesn’t have Rin, he is walking with Makoto like a ghost, not even caring if he’s talking next to him AND he’s getting ennoyed by him. Like explain, how someone’s shipping them romantically. It’s been showed like 20 times, that with Rin, but without Makoto, he can be perfectly happy, without Rin tho, he never is.

Also someone explain, what exactly is the point of splitting up two characters, who are happy together, make each other the best versions of themselves and want to be together whole-heartedly? Like I know many start shipping smth, bc the relationships are better in the other pairing, for example, but this is like... definitely not the case here. Like what exactly is missing in rinharu, that makoharu has? Lack of progression and mutual inspiration?

So yes, if you’re into rinharu, totally finish Free! They’re like doing sooo incredible and holy shit they’re inspiring, I mean, look, they’re now the tokyo olympics ambassadors, like how many of yall gay ships reached that? you can’t miss out on them, and also they’re so hilariously romantic, they literally made a wish to swim with each other since they were 13 and did everything to get each other there, I’m.. you’re lying, if you didn’t cry watching them as chibies making wishes on a star and watching them now. One of the most wonderful development in my opinion. Like who would’ve thought back in s1, that we’ll get Haru yelling on top of Rin about how he made him want a future with him, def not me lmao and now all the olympics boyfriends fanfiction are true, I mean, idk what to say anymore. I miss them so much, I can’t wait for the movie :D

#answered #maxeve #anime

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arcs-and-blah · 6 years

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OTP Meme- Your BNHA OTP :D?

i loves you hella, toki!! ♡♡♡ but OTP. hard. I got three. i think i gotta go with BakuDeku tho QuQ here we go!!

Send Me a Pairing & a Number!

1) Who is the most affectionate?

physically affectionate would be kacchan! hc he’s a clinger! Q♡Q

2) Big spoon/Little spoon?

interchangeable! bc as i said, kacchan’s a clinger, especially when sleepy, but at the same time i think he’d be a cute little spoon too X♡X

3) Most common argument?

pffft when are they not bickering? but.... maybe with hero analysis? like them arguing ‘X hero could totally beat Y hero!’ ‘excuse me! But Y hero has this weakness! X could kick the shit out of Y no problem!’ (>/)u(\

4) Favorite non-sexual activity?

video games were the very first thing that came to mind hahaha!!

5) Who is most likely to carry the other?

(O/)u(\O) deku carrying kacchan. just. imagine kacchan getting heated, yelling, the usual, and deku hauling him over his shoulder ‘let’s go, kacchan =w=‘ while the boy still clearly yelling at whoever and all ahhhhhh

6) What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?

ack i don’t wanna sound boring or anything, but i feel they’d love each other’s smiles QuQ

7) What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

pfffffft they’d both be like ‘fuuuuu--’ and probably avoided the shit out of the other person, deny any and all feelings bc they think the other hates them and all, and just tenseness TTwTT until the other confronts them like ‘wtf is wrong with you?’ bc they’re acting weird and all. the situation is interchangeable with who realized they liked the other first and all hehehe~~

8) Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?

it’s still kacchan and deku~~~ ♡♡♡ keepin’ the canon~ but if there’s something hell wrong or if deku’s upset and kacchan’s trying to help, he’ll call him izuku (Q/)u(\Q)

9) Who worries the most?

they both do to an extent, but honestly, kacchan worries over deku more. just bc he charges in quirks blazing (i mean so does kacchan, but 0♡0), used to break bones and shit, actions fueled by emotions, and kacchan’s like ‘stop you’re gonna fucking kill yourself jfc i can’t turn away for one fucking second!!!’

10) Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

they both do! they’ve just know each other for a long time yeee!

11) Who tops?

12) Who initiates kisses?

prob deku more of the two ^3^

13) Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

kacchan!!

14) Who kisses the hardest?

???i don’t really understand this but i guess kacchan?

15) Who wakes up first?

probably deku since kacchan likes to sleep, but i can really it being interchangeable who wakes up first ^w^b

16) Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer?

both, but deku more likely to actually stay in bed longer compared to kacchan who wants to, but gets up anyways ^♡^b

17) Who says I love you first?

....deku. and then kacchan like ‘fuck no i was gonna say it first!’ and

18) Who leaves little notes in the other’s one lunch? (Bonus: what does it usually say?)

deku does! it’s like “have a good day!” “see you at home!” “♡ you!” but then kacchan returning the favor after a while like “you better not bring your uneaten lunch again or i’ll kick your ass” “eat, you scrawny shit. i mean it” “don’t die.” deku sometimes works through lunch bc hero work and protecting ppl! and kacchan hates when he does this

19) Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?

deku of the two. kacchan’s more the type like ‘okay we’re going out now’ and it’s not that he’s embarrassed after awhile but he’s like it’s not anybody’s business to need to know

20) What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

inko and masaru 100% supportive and mitsuki’s like ‘it’s about damn time’ and also 100% supportive hehe

bakusquad are like ‘hell yeah man!’ happy for kacchan but also poking fun bc it’s them and it’s him

dekusquad are like ‘...really?’ but don’t get me wrong, they’re totally for the two together and all!! just. their sweet friend with brash ol’ kacchan ^q^ hehehe~~

21) Who is more likely to start dancing with the other?

deku of the two i suppose! tho he’s still kinda shy and awkward about dancing. kacchan’s just like ‘yeah no.’

22) Who cooks more/who is better at cooking?

kacchan!!! i LIVE for awesome cook!kacchan

23) Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?

deku and kacchan hates them but some do make him laugh that he hides

24) Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?

25) Who needs more assurance?

they both sorta do. one more than the other with certain things qwq

26) What would be their theme song?

huh..... i actually don’t have one in mind 0o0

27) Who would sing to their child back to sleep?

maybe kacchan 0♡0 it can supposedly just be a thing between him and the child, but deku still knows, having listened in outside the door a few times Q♡Q

28) What do they do when they’re away from each other?

they’d text back and forth maybe, but it’s not like they’re clingy clingy (sure kacchan is physically and all, but not like, emotionally sorta thing). however, they’ve been together their whole lives, so if they’re apart for a long, extended period of time, it can feel sorta off sometimes.

29) one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

maybe that before one or the other confessed or anything and just realized they had feelings for the other, they think their relationship already is really bad and strained and that there was absolutely no way the other would ever feel the same way back. QuQ

30) one headcanon about this OTP that mends it

deku confesses first anyways. prob like ‘get it off my chest, kacchan’ll turn me down awfully and break my heart and then it’ll make this crush go away forever’ but kacchan. doesn’t? exactly? idk but they end up together anyways! happy endings yaaaay!! Q♡Q

#thanks for the ask!#arcs blah #tokikurp #BakuDeku

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henry-hart · 6 years

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The Danger Begins s1 ep1

I’m so glad I decided to rewatch this because it made me so happy!!!! (also, to keep you guys from getting uber annoyed with me, i’m just gonna lb on one big post like this from now on lolol)

first off

s1 henry was the cutest thing to ever exist. ever. my heart couldn’t take it bc he’s so grown now but in that first ep he’s this adorable little baby chick ajdksjslk

it was so incredible to see Siren on my screen. Like, within thirty seconds BAM there she was. i felt blessed, like she blessed my laptop

PIPER. MY OVERDRAMATIC DAUGHTER. I miss her “I am NOT okay!!!” catchphrase akdjlsj

her “so we’re living like animals now” reply to being told to wait for her video to load---same girl, same.

Henry at 13 was a million times more proactive about the whole job search than I have ever been and I’m 22 sksjskjsk

his whole “I’m not good at anything. I’m a big ball of average”---I feel that lol

“No special skills needed.” “That’s me!!”

okay one of Char’s first lines was “One day when you two are cleaning my pool bc you failed this algebra test...” and it doesn’t get more iconic than that

GOOCH. I HAVE MISSED YOU.

Ray just coming in with all these ridiculous questions lolol poor Hen

“I’m 13. I’ll be 14....on my next bday.” ajskjsksljk

“Ah, so you’re aging sequentially. I like that. The name’s Ray.” “Nice to meet you, Ray. I’m Henry.” “You ask a lot of questions.” “I....don’t think....I’ve asked any questions...????” loved it

I laughed when Ray changed into his uniform and the zipper got stuck (that never happens again????)

“Did you have to melt my phone???” Hen, sweetie, hate to break it to you, but your phone gets broken.....preeeeetty much every ep (need me a bank account like that where I can steady get new iphones)

WhAt Do YoU mEaN nO sPeCiAl SkIlLs HeNrY???? yOu NoTiCeD tHe TaToO!!!!!! u smart lil cookie

Ray was all “I’m getting old. I can’t do this forever.” Two things: 1) RAY DID YOU JUST REFER TO YOURSELF AND OLD IN THE SAME SENTENCE??? 2) why is this never mentioned again??? Like, Ray got a sidekick to pass the mantle onto someone younger to keep protecting Swellview when he’s done. We’re like 4 yrs down the line, and they haven’t even hinted towards CM retiring??? (I know that would mean the end of the show, but they could at least bring it up every now and then)

OK. hated the toddler then. hate him now.

Props to the props department (ha ha get it???) for all the junk in the store. It’s all so strange and doesn’t make sense and fits the show so well (also it seems like each ep has diff junk??? that’s impressive)

“They seem like nice kids.” “Yeah, they’re names are Jasper x Charlotte. I’ve known them ever since--” “Get rid of them.” “I’ll get rid of them.”

DAWWWW Jasper x his buckets :’))))

“I told you Canadian money upsets ppl!!!” Ah Char (I wonder if Riele comes up with some of these Canada jokes??)

OMG I FORGOT ABOUT HEN’S HORRIBLE TEST WARDROBE. IMAGINE IF THEY HAD KEPT ONE OF THOSE IDEAS AKSJLKSJ (there really wasn’t any need for a whole test wardrobe tho--just style an outfit to fits Ray’s. His obvs works out well for him) (I know that’s what they ended up doing lolol)

Okay, Ray’s “Oh man. I ate a lot of fruit.” line KILLS. ME. bc when i first watched this ep, every time the scene changed and Ray was shown w/ a diff fruit, I was like, “Why...is he eating so much fruit????” bc they’re all diff and he even eats a whole pineapple--outside peel and all. BUT I WAS THINKING IT AND THEN HE SAID IT AND IT MADE IT ONE MILLION TIMES FUNNIER.

LIL BB HEN IN HIS SUIT FOR THE FIRST TIME. I CRY. HE’S SO TINY AND HAPPY

“Chew gum. Blow bubble. Fight crime.” Ray wrote those instructions. I just know it. aksjskl

“And what does a single flashing light mean?” “Just to shoot me a text, you know, whenever.” aksjklsk

HENRY JUST GAVE HIS PLEDGE. THEN. HE. SAID. THE. ICONIC. “FEELS GOOD” FOR. THE. FIRST. TIME. I’M CRYING.

Hen not knowing how to get the tubes to work and just jumping up and down making noises aksjlsk

“Affirmative.” “That means ‘yes’.” “I got that.” and so the sass begins lolol love it

“Awwww no! That was my favorite bridge!”

“I hate my life and I am NOT okay.” i feel u Pipes

the sass is strong in those Hart kids. Siren x Jake can’t catch a break aksjslk

Siren. Hart. Is. So. Beautiful. her hair just looks so good this ep

“I’ll run away. I’ll do it.” ajskjskl Pipes chill

Jake....Siren...that’s....your son on the tv screen...like.....that’s literally your child’s face.....the product of both of your genes is right there.....plastered on the screen.....how do u....not....recognize him?????

“Two ppl said they might come.” “Who?” “Sidney Birnbaum and Oliver Pook.” “Ew.” “Those guys eat bugs.” “So? They’re people.” I just love the kid’s line delivery here lolol

I just want everyone to know that s1 Henry is the cutest. I already said it, but I’m saying it again.

Henry panicking bc he doesn’t want C x J to keep reading about KD but he also doesn’t know what to do so he just throws a glass and smacks C’s phone out of her hand and clean across the room ajskjslk SAME

Jace was so.....twitchy in the first two seasons. He’s really mellowed---which I understand it happens when you get older---but it’s just so funny to see this little bean with all his crazy expressions and loud outbursts and rapid movements lolol

Hey Lelani? You’re hot (give me ukelele lessons pls)

“The toddler’s men stole 5,000 packages of diapers. Can you guess why?” “Uhhhh???” “To bombard the diapers with radioactive zenite particles.” “.....I would not have guessed that.”

also Ray getting lower to the ground as he talks and Hen just following is so funny to me. Ray was really extra in that first ep

RAYMOND MANCHESTER HOW DARE YOU GET MAD AT HEN FOR WANTING TO GO TO HIS BFF’S BDAY PARTY INSTEAD OF FIGHTING CRIME. HE IS 13. AND YOU WOULD LATER CALL HIM UP WITH THE EMERGENCY ALARM PAST 12 AT NIGHT FOR CORNDOGS, SO I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.

“Okay. Okay. It’s cool. You go to Jasper’s party. I’ll handle the toddler by myself. Don’t worry about it.” “Are you sure?” “Yeah. I’ve battled the toddler alone before--almost killed me, but whatever.” and u still want to take a 13 yr old out there??? Ray.

“No, I’m not bringing the muffins!” but u said u would

okay, but the news jumping from CM’s kidnapping to a report on why squirrels love nuts???? TOO tru (they really do that “here’s something serious. kids are dying. now here’s this pointless and meaningless crap” lolol)

“I can’t talk! I’m naked!” friends anyone??? (“You can’t come in. Ross is naked.” “Why’d you tell her I was naked???” “I couldn’t tell her I was naked. She’s allowed to see me naked.” “Why does anyone have to be naked???”) (sorry i just love friends akjslkjs)

I FORGOT WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE SIDNEY X OLIVER ON MY SCREEN. I LOVE THEM.

I hate u toddler. just in case you were doubting.

Jasper unknowingly saving the day by downloading that sound effect app on Hen’s phone *claps for him*

Henry just....completely kicking butt on his second day???? That’s my son.

“Captain Man!” “Henry!” “It’s Kid Danger.” :))))) I’M SQUEALING. I’M SO PROUD OF HIM. HIS LIL POINT TO RAY AND THAT SMALL SMILE. TOO. CUTE. (also Ray just namedropping like they don’t have identities to protect)

“How do I get you out of there?” “I don’t know. This is the first time I’ve been stuck in a baby bouncer hovering over a bottomless ball pit.” CALL SUPERHEROES OUT, RAY. all these extravagant traps they’re caught in and they just....know what to do??? Doubtful. (bottomless pits are impossible, but you know lol)

Ray swinging around everywhere in that baby bouncer was hilarious alkjdlksj

that spitting device is the literal WORST thing i have ever seen. i freaking hate spit.

God, i wish the toddler had stayed tf down there in that ball pit. i wish that bottle had blown him to the center of the earth. (sorry i just really don’t like him akdjslj)

“What do we do with this? (the bottle bomb)” “We give the baby his bottle.” “Ah. Good call.” “Hey.” “Suuuuup.” “Hurry.” “Oh, right.” aksjlsksjl there are some really good moments in this ep

Ray shielding Henry was <33333 (it would be really messed up if he hadn’t considering he’s indestructible, but I like to think that he chose to)

AJKSJSKLSKSJLK HENRY’S FACE WHEN RAY TOLD HIM “GOOD JOB” WAS SOOOOOOO PRECIOUS. He looked so shocked. Like, “CM thinks I did a good job????”

It’s like, Henry’s second day on the job, and they’re just namedropping right and left. Why be careful???? It’s not like they have secret identities or anything.....(they steady use their real names. i guess they don’t really have to worry. C must be the only smart person in Swellview bc no one else seems capable of figuring it out. I mean, not even his parents recognized him ajksjslk)

If you need any proof that Ray is a good guy, just watch this ep. His willingness to show up to J’s party despite only knowing Hen for like two days is a solid testament to his character. This is the Ray I know and love.

awwwwww poor Jasp. your party isn’t a flop. It’s about to be lit af because your bff is HENRY FREAKING HART, THE SWEETEST BOY TO EVER LIVE.

Ray, your excuse is horrible. “My van broke down across the street so I decided to come into this house and into this basement.” alskjlskj what is that????

“You’re CM!” “Thank you.” “You’re my hero!” “Of course.” oh Ray

Henry’s just watching J freak out over CM, watching how excited and happy J is and knowing he did that for him, and it’s just----my heart is all ajkdjlsjks

Char is the cutest in this ep. she’s fangirling over CM, and it’s so weird bc now she can’t stand him lolol

Hen x Ray pretending they don’t know each other. SO. PRECIOUS. Ray’s face is so sweet and they share this secret smile and just GAHHHH

J asking CM if he can hit him w/ a bball bat alksjlk “Remember kids: never do this to anyone but CM bc regular ppl could be badly inju--AHHHHHH.......I wasn’t done talking.” “Did that hurt?” “Yeah. But I’m okay.” the way Ray says yeah cracks me up bc it’s like, duh it hurt. it was a bat hitting my head lolol

“Hey, CM?” “Yes, boy?” “Would it be ok if Jasp texted a few friends and told them you were here at his party?” “Suuurrreeee. I love being used.” Ray kills me. cooper x jace have some of the best line delivery/comedic timing akdjslkj

*J is shaking CM’s hand* “Thank you so much! This is the best day of my life!” “Ha ha, are your hands always this sweaty?” “Yes sir.” “He takes medicine for it.” “Wellllll, it’s not working.” *wipes hand on J and leaves wet mark* ajsklj poor Jasper

Henry brought the muffins after all <33333 “Muffins.” “Yeah.” (you can tell Jace x Sean were already good friends. so cute.)

Hen x Char got Jasp the bucket from the shop that Gooch wouldn’t let him have. Dawwwwww

“For awhile there, I thought you weren’t gonna come.” “Come on, man. I’ll always be there for you.” then. they. hug. they’re. so. cute. i. love. solid. friendships.

HENRY’S LAST LITTLE LOOK AT THE PARTY BEFORE HE LEAVES IS THE BEST THING EVER. THE LITTLE NOD HE MAKES LIKE, “YEAH. THIS IS GOOD.” LIKE, HE’S PERFECTLY OK WITH MISSING OUT SO LONG AS EVERYONE ELSE IS HAVING FUN. AHHHHHH. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. :)))))) <3333333

that was a perfect way to end an ep

I’m glad I watched this. I’ve forgotten most of the earlier episodes which is a crime because they’re so good. It was hard to see Jace so little when he’s so grown now!!!!! My heart couldn’t take it. But lil Henry is precious and I love him. Stay tuned for more rewatches!!!! xoxoxox

#sorry if this was long or incoherent #it was a wild ride #i had to stop watching halfway thru bc of some stupid crap going on #but i finished and here we are #this was fun #watching hd makes me happy #i'm gonna do this for every ep #maybe #aksljlks #hd rewatch #the danger begins #episode synopsis

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sapphicscholar · 6 years

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A/N: Here are letters from the past few chapters as I’ve been traveling and couldn’t post

Chapter 85:

April 27, 2012, 11:54pm

Alex…

Look I get that youre trying to help and shit but just…you’re not ok? It’s cute or whatever that youre so convinced that I’m getting into these places and shit bt we’re not all you. We don’t all get to be doubkke doctors from fucking Stanford. Being smnart and fit and caring doenst mean shit wen you don’t know the right ppl/

I still love you but stopl.l k. Maggie

---

April 28, 2012, 10:03am

I feel like death. This is what death feels like. I am too old for this. I am also sorry. I…you were trying to help. And I know you were. It’s just…that’s not…if we were together in person this would’ve been easier. But you just kept going, and it’s not the way—it just made me feel worse. Because, yeah, maybe I should have gotten in. Maybe. But I didn’t. And knowing that…it doesn’t make me feel better, Alex. And knowing that I can’t get into a fucking cop academy when you’re off in extra fancy grad school getting an MD and a PhD at the same time…it really doesn’t feel like you can actually relate. And I know you said you’ve struggled with coursework and not getting results in your lab and stuff, but still. You’re at Stanford, Alex. You’re at Stanford, and you’re brilliant, and you’re going to be wildly successful, and more and more it’s feeling like I’m just sitting here proving Emily right—that this was the wrong track. That I should have gone to law school and done something that will look good on paper and impress the right people and make me good enough for people like you. I don’t know. But still. You don’t know those things. You couldn’t…I shouldn’t have expected you to know. I’m sorry for last night. I should have waited until this morning to reply to you. Just give me another day or two to start feeling like myself, okay?

Love,

Maggie

---

April 28, 2012, 11:17am

Alex… I just finally stumbled outside and found a big ass care package sitting on my doorstep. There are chocolates (that are a little melty from the sun but still delicious – I checked) and pastries and a brand new bottle of the wine I got us to share from Paris. And a note signed “the better Befana.” How…how in the world did you manage this? I really, really don’t deserve you.

---

Chapter 86

April 28, 2012, 9:58 am

Dear Maggie,

Please don't beat yourself up about it. I appreciate the apology, but I...my memory isn’t so short that I’ve forgotten how awful I was to you when I was inching my way out of the closest. It’s hard to be vulnerable, and it’s really easy to lash out when things that you thought you knew about yourself are coming under fire. I was trying to help...but I wasn't supporting you in the way you needed.

I’ve always been the person whose first instinct is to fix things that are broken. It's not an approach that works for all people or all situations. But for Kara, who’s been the most important person in my life for ages, it *is* what worked, and it was what she wanted, so I forgot about people like my old best friend from high school who used to get so angry when I’d offer solutions instead of just listening and commiserating and reminding her that she deserved better. I just...I always assumed that when people talked about something that was wrong it was my job to find a solution, but it’s not what everyone wants. Thank you for telling me that you needed something different. It didn't feel particularly good to get that first email, but I get it. I want to learn how to be the girlfriend you need. I want to support you because you deserve someone standing in your corner. It's tough, you know, not being able to see you or hold you, so I'm happy that you felt comfortable enough to tell me that what I was doing wasn't working for you. I want to be better because I want this—what we have together—to be a thing that works going forward.

It’s hard to admit because there are things in my life that I don’t—I can’t—I just don’t talk about, you know. There are portions of time where nothing has gone right, and I’ve felt like a failure. There are things I don’t get to talk about, but shit I carry around. And I think I...bristled at the idea that I couldn’t possibly relate because of them, even though it wasn’t like you’d have any reason to know. But in the sense you’re talking about in your emails, you're right. I don't know what some of these things feel like. My parents were scientists (Mom still is), and that made things...easier? Sure I've worked my ass off in school my whole life, and I’ve had to "make my own way" or whatever to get into this particular program, but I always knew I could, say, intern in so-and-so's lab because if my parents didn't know them they probably knew someone who did. It made things...not easy, but definitely easier. And I don’t...I wasn’t thinking about earlier in life. My life changed in high school, but I never had to worry about a lot of the things you did, and that—I imagine that makes a difference.

I do think I have some insight into doubting that you're on the right path because of someone else's expectations. I'm not going to lie, Maggie, you're taking a risk with this. But you'd be taking a risk pursuing a law degree, too. You'd be risking unhappiness and a sizable amount of debt for something someone else is telling you to want. And the two programs at the top of your list—DC and National City—they’re the ones I heard you speak about with so much passion. They’re the ones that are recognizing aliens as an important population that requires unique understanding. And you understand that and care about that, and it’s all so important, Maggie. It means a lot. And the part of me that wants to fix things wants to tell you that the no from Chicago is a sign that you were onto the right path with those other two cities because that’s where you’re gonna make the biggest impact and help the most people going forward. But I don’t know if that’s what you want to hear.

I don't know. I think we convince ourselves that if we don't have everything we want right now, we're absolutely never going to have it? And that's not true. Life is long, and we're still young. For every fresh-out-of-undergrad 22-year old in a masters or PhD program there's an older student who is taking classes to further their career or start a new one entirely. And those things can be good—not just a mediocre whatever thing, but an actual good. I don’t know. It matters to know something other than the one thing you’re doing because it helps you know that you didn’t just choose something because it sounded right or like the thing you should want. If we went by that logic, you might be miserable in law school, and I definitely wouldn’t have a girlfriend I was head over heels for.

In the interest of saving us from more miscommunications, can we Skype? It’s not as good as face-to-face, but I think it might help to at least see yours? And I want you to see how sincere I am when I tell you that you, Maggie Sawyer, are going to make a difference no matter what, that you’re going to change lives and the whole fucking world because you don’t carry that much passion and care and raw strength around and just let it hide. You’re incredible and you deserve to be told that every day for as long as you’ll let me say it—for as long as it takes until you believe it.

Love, Alex

Chapter 87

April 29, 2012, 12:06pm

Dear Alex,

Thanks again for the long Skype call last night. I’m sorry for crying as much as I did...that was mildly humiliating and definitely not something I’ve ever really done in front of someone else. So, uh, yeah, thanks for not laughing. And if we could never bring it up again, that’d be cool too. Anyway I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst cramps (at least now I have an excuse for half that crying, right?), and I’ve barely slept, and I’m totally out of groceries because I was supposed to go out yesterday or Friday but those days sort of went to shit as far as productivity, and I just want hot tea and a heating pad, and honestly I’d love to be cuddling with you, and maybe there’ll be a day in the future where that’s a reality. But for now I’m just gonna to reread your letters and take Advil and hope I can doze on and off or something. Maybe I’ll watch Pride and Prejudice and hope I dream of you.

Anyway I don’t know I just love you and I miss you a lot right now and wish you were here or I was there and we could be curled up together and stuff. But now I sound whiny and needy so I’m gonna go.

Love, Maggie

P.S. This was all supposed to be about seeing if we could push Skype from today to tomorrow because I think I might be miserable company...even more so than the past few days. But yeah let me know.

———

April 29, 2012, 7:01pm

Alex...

I found a very peppy special someone outside my door a few minutes ago clutching bag with a heating pad, mint tea, and enough chocolate to feed an army. I’m gonna let her take over because I think she wants to give you her explanation before I hit send.

Before I go though: 1. I promise I’m not going to tell anyone, so please don’t worry. I understand why some of these things aren’t secrets you can just have out in the open, and I think maybe I have a little more insight into those times you talked about feeling like you were failing or being asked to do so much more and not keeping up, even if you couldn’t speak about them. Carrying around something like that takes a lot of energy and work (physical and emotional), and I want you to know that I see it and appreciate all that you’ve surely done over the years without any recognition. You’re amazing, Alex. You’re one of the good ones, and there aren’t too many of them. 2. You’re both incredibly sweet and totally didn’t have to do this but I can finally breathe in deeply with the heat so I’m not gonna complain

Love you, Maggie

Um...hi Alex!

It’s a long story... Ok not really. It’s just, I’ve never gotten to see Maggie, you know? And I thought she’d be pretty happy about the care package, so I just wanted to see her reaction but then one of her neighbors saw me, and I got startled and made a noise and then Maggie saw me. Guess you had shown her my picture, huh? Cause she did not buy the “new neighbor” line. Anyway she’s even prettier in person than she was in the pictures on her Facebook! Also did you hear, she got into the DC police academy today! Isn’t that so great? You should be so proud!

Please don’t be mad, okay? I’m gonna hang out and chat with Maggie for a few minutes before I head back.

Love, Kara

———

April 29, 2012, 7:38pm

Hey Alex,

Kara mentioned that she told you about the DC news. I wasn’t keeping it from you, I promise. I only found out an hour or two before Kara got here, and I had kind of wanted to tell you over Skype. But I’m not mad at Kara or anything. She didn’t know. We’re having a nice conversation now about alien rights and experiences, and it’s reminding me of all the reasons why the National City and DC academies were so attractive to me in the first place. Guess what I’m saying is maybe you were right about that first rejection being a sign.

Skype tomorrow?

Love, Maggie

Chapter 88

April 29, 2012, 12:39 pm

Hi Maggie,

First of all, congratulations!! That’s amazing! I’m so glad that all the hard work you’ve done is paying off. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like the DC program would be a great fit. A selfish part of me is still holding out hope for National City, but I’m proud of you regardless. That’s really awesome, Mags. Honestly. (Plus, DC is still a shorter flight than Italy!)

Second of all, I’m…well, at the end of the day, I’m happy that you got to meet Kara—the real Kara. I wish I was just being paranoid, but this isn’t something we should discuss over email. It's…you are basically the only person outside of immediate family that knows. You should understand how dangerous it is—and not just for her (I know you get the dangerous realities for her out there—after all, it's what you want to do, right?), but it puts you at risk too. And I won’t see another person I love hurt because of it. So just…we’ll talk, but I need you to understand that secrecy here isn’t just a matter of consideration; it’s about safety and security.

I trust you. You’re dedicated to civil rights and care about the community. So please know that when I say this I’m saying it as Kara’s older sister and not as your girlfriend, but I will protect her at any costs.

I will want to talk about this a bit more during our Skype date tomorrow, but really I want to use the time to celebrate with you. This is a huge accomplishment. Also, I hope you’re feeling better! I know Kara probably gave you enough chocolate to last for days, but sometimes even chocolate isn't enough.

See you tomorrow! And congratulations again!

Love, Alex

(do make sure to check out this last one on AO3 as there are visual elements not included here)

#sanvers #letter fic #alex danvers #maggie sawyer #long distance relationship au #supergirl #fanfic #co-authored fic #ao3feed

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sorceressrinoa · 6 years

Text

watched xenoblade chronicles with @monadont! spent half the time getting incredibly attached to an au! please meet high entia sharla

Nyx 1:45 am Yes please "Sharla you're like 22--" "Hundred years old, Dunban. Give me the alcohol"

Aera 1:46 am PLEASE Nyx 1:46 am JAGIEAJGEA JUST IMAGINING IT WITH HER AS A HIGH ENTIA IS EVEN BETTER Aera 1:46 am ITS REAL GOOD Nyx 1:46 am A 22 YEAR OLD HIGH ENTIA??? Aera 1:46 am oh my god Nyx 1:46 am Ok imagine if she's older than Melia and is like "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WERE BORN" "WE HAVE A CROWN PRINCESS????" Aera 1:47 am yeah she like got fed up with the high entia's inactivity 150 years ago and left Nyx 1:47 am Oh my god she Adopted Juju as her little brother Aera 1:47 am YEAH Nyx 1:47 am I'M SO Aera 1:47 am she does it a lot, she's a sucker for lil kids and there are plenty of orphans she keeps... outliving them Nyx 1:48 am She has so many sib-- ufkc You Brain: Was she friends with Kallian Me: Excuse Aera 1:48 am Y Yes Nyx 1:48 am LEMME SEE HOW OLD HE IS KALLIAN IS 151 YEARS OLD Aera 1:49 am also in this au is sharla like, instantly aware of melia's Deal or just suspicious-- OHHHHH okay maybe sharla left like 100 years ago then Nyx 1:49 am I want her to be instantly aware and like Shut up bc she doesn't wanna deal with it Melia: You're... a high entia-- Sharla: Yeah I get that a lot -- Nyx 1:59 am God if he If he knew high entia Sharla It would be like, siblings kinda Aera 2:00 am OH YEAH Nyx 2:00 am PLEASE Sharla and Melia don't get along at first and then "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE KALLIAN'S SISTER" Aera 2:00 am he's real happy to see her again ) : Nyx 2:00 am I need it holy fuck Aera 2:01 am melia resents sharla bc she feels like shes holding the knowledge of her secret over her head (she isnt) (shes just Staying Out Of This Shit) Nyx 2:01 am Sharla just hates rich ppl Aera 2:01 am DID SHE NOT KNOW KALLIAN WAS ROYALTY? Nyx 2:01 am SHE PROBABLY DID BUT WAS LIKE "KALLIAN WHAT THE FUCK MAN" Aera 2:01 am "i love One rich person" Nyx 2:01 am Yes Aera 2:03 am did sharla...... know alvis Nyx 2:03 am I... what if she did but only either briefly or not personally Aera 2:04 am yeah they met in passing classmates, Nyx 2:04 am Omg Oh my godddddddd Sharla was gonna work with the royal family then just fuckin left Aera 2:04 am omg baby sharla was Frustrated and like i'm gonna leave and make an actual change in the world sharla, a hundred years later, incredibly jaded: lmao what's up (takes a shot) Nyx 2:05 am Kallian: ) : don't leave me Sharla: Fuck u Kallian: ) : What happened Sharla: Why do you always look like a weepy kitty -- Aera 2:19 am also do you think gadolt is one of the kids high entia sharla raised instead of her bf, im open to either i just had a Feeling Nyx 2:20 am Ohhh Oh my god ohhhhhhhh my god Oh my god I am so much more fuckor'd about that -- Aera 2:36 am god let her fly actually i can... the high entia fly, i haven't seen any of them do it Nyx 2:37 am I don't think the wings can let them fly anymore but damn it can you imagine how ridiculous that would look Aera 2:37 am yeah IT WOULD LOOK SO DUMB I WANT IT Nyx 2:37 am ALKGAGEAOKG MOOD OH AERA IF SHARLA WAS A HIGH ENTIA SHE'D PERCH TOO Aera 2:37 am OHHHHHHHH just starts preening melia's hair idly Nyx 2:37 am Ohhhh oh I need it Aera 2:38 am question do you think high entia have feathers in their hair too Nyx 2:38 am Oh my god please Aera 2:38 am imagine them molting -- Nyx - Today at 3:34 AM Sharla escaping Alcamoth bc fuck high society y'all are bitches for not helping in that battle of Sword Valley and becoming a cynical medic who loves kids and outdrinks all homs -- Nyx - Today at 3:34 AM AND I CAN'T GET OVER Kallian: ): Don't leave Sharla: LITERALLY GO FUCK YOURSELF KALLIAN YOU JUST SIT THERE DOING SHIT Kallian: :weepy: Sharla: No wait Aera - Today at 3:35 AM she said some things she regrets to kallian before she left Nyx - Today at 3:35 AM Ohhhhhhh oh god Took out her anger on him huh Aera - Today at 3:36 AM YEAH Nyx - Today at 3:36 AM God when they meet again it's like Kallian: : D Sharla: Uh. Hey Aera - Today at 3:36 AM omg he's just glad to see she's okay ) : Nyx - Today at 3:37 AM He was worried!!!! And he's even happier when he sees she escorted Melia Aera - Today at 3:37 AM "i see you've met my sister" "you-- your what" Nyx - Today at 3:37 AM Is Sharla still arrested when they enter Alcamoth even tho she's a high entia Aera - Today at 3:37 AM Yeah Nyx - Today at 3:42 AM Do you think high entia Sharla explains her wings in the worst ways possible "Why do you have wings" "Freak accident" "Excuse me" Aera - Today at 3:42 AM what if she doesn't even try Nyx - Today at 3:42 AM "Why do you have wings" "The procedure... was a failure" "What the fuck" Aera - Today at 3:42 AM "why do you have wings" "(just stares at reyn til he goes away)" "why do you have wings" "i don't, this is my hair" Nyx - Today at 3:43 AM "Why do you have wings" "How dare you" Aera - Today at 3:43 AM "it was fashionable in colony 6" Nyx - Today at 3:43 AM Anyone in Colony 6: Literally what the fuck They get to Alcamoth and Sharla's like "They're copying me" Nyx - Today at 3:44 AM Melia: You're... a high entia? Sharla: I am nowhere near as high as I wanna be, sorry Melia: Nyx - Today at 3:44 AM Sharla: My hair is a bird, your argument is invalid -- Nyx - Today at 4:07 AM I also keep thinking of Sharla being a raven?? Aera - Today at 4:07 AM prankster... Nyx - Today at 4:07 AM Holy shit I mean look at her exposing titty to see how far she can go — Aera - Today at 4:27 AM also im still wheezing over "you're a high entia!!" "i get that a lot" Nyx - Today at 4:27 AM Sharla's excuses give me life okay Aera - Today at 4:28 AM she never actually admits to it or denies it Nyx - Today at 4:28 AM Not even when the secret's out Kallian: Yes she is a high entia Sharla: Only on Tuesdays

#i had... to use the fucking html editor for this #i hope it doesn't get eaten but also appreciate our humor

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kyohiba · 5 years

Text

Xue Yang’s 420 Punishing Reincarnations AU

REINCARNATION AU

but who is he if he doesnt ruin it all tho

ssyifpfff🌙 OH YES

35m 34 minutes ago yeeting patriarch he ruins some stuff but not on the Did Everything Wrong & Ruined Everything level like he did

he could reincarnate n still find song lan bc hes..... basically immortal now

ssyifpfff🌙 n he helps heal xxcs n a-qins soul

34m 33 minutes ago yeeting patriarch like? mass murder of a sect over his pinky? Ok. using the goodness of xiao xingchen and breaking his soul beyond repair?? Too Much

ssyifpfff🌙 yea tht sect was full of dicks tbh but xxc was Angel

33m 33 minutes ago YES

what about xue yang paying off with some reincarnations

with each of them, he learns something

yeeting patriarch and pays for what he did and starts to Realize

ssyifpfff🌙 SLOW BURN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ASDFGHJK

32m 31 minutes ago yeeting patriarch in all those reincarnations, he meets painful ends

ssyifpfff🌙 in one of them he goes blind

32m 31 minutes ago but each makes him Learn And Pay

HOLD UP

and then, in the one where he manages to help song lan with the souls of xxc and a-qing

his next one, where the three meet again song lan

HES BLIND

hes still pretty much a petty grudge holding chaotic bastard little shit but with no murder or scheming

but his pay offs didnt end

yeeting patriarch with xxc and a-qing back, he still gotta pay off for what he did

ssyifpfff🌙 once he helps rebuild their souls they should b able to reincarnate too, n they can find each other u___u

29m 28 minutes ago xue yang: *reincarnates again* ayyy wassup song lan song lan: song lan: There We Go Again

wait i think people shouldn't have their past life memories right

yeeting patriarch BUT XUE YANG GETS THEM AS A PART OF HIS PUNISHMENT !?

xue yang in every reincarnation: ah shit here we go again

YES HE NEEDS TO AS PUNISHMENT

WHO PUNISHES HIM??? WE DO

ssyifpfff🌙 GET FUCKED XUE YANG LMAO

26m 25 minutes ago IFENSKSITNESOZFWJKSHS

yeeting patriarch xue yang we love u but u DESERVE

BITCHES GET STITCHES

in one of his reincarnations he trusts some1 n they betray him by killing him

in another one he is born into a loving family but they all get murdered

ssyifpfff🌙 dam thts a lot of years of damage if hes gonna rmmbr them all lmao

23m 22 minutes ago ssyifpfff🌙

22m 21 minutes ago IGEBEKIDTVEKSOZGBSLSUGWKS

It's What He Deserves

it's all for him to Learn

yeeting patriarch learn to accept his punishment, learn about the wrongdoings he did...

ssyifpfff🌙 learn to love back u_u and to accept kindness

20m 19 minutes ago learn to forgive n move on

"i have nvr in my life yelled at a girl like this. whn my mama yell at me its bc she love me. i was rooting for u we were all rooting for u hOW D

ssyifpfff🌙 LEARN FROM THIS"

19m 18 minutes ago the reincarnation he finally meets xiao xingchen again and a-qing he holds grudges like a normal person. and it's just ur average tsundere

yeeting patriarch we cannot wipe out completely the chaotic bastard essence he has

ssyifpfff🌙 DO THEY RECOGNIZE HIM???

18m 17 minutes ago OH MY GOD

yeeting patriarch DO THEY

mayb its like those AUs where they DONT exactly but

they Know theres some1 in there they met once

theres a familiarity

ssyifpfff🌙 he Knows its them tho

17m 16 minutes ago yeeting patriarch it would be Too Cruel for xiao xingchen to remember him...

TRUUUU

GASP Maybe to help xxc n a-qins soul he has to give up his own

ssyifpfff🌙 i mean, give his life

16m 15 minutes ago so they only get that Familiarity Vibe

maybe some fragmented dreams

yeeting patriarch FUKC

ssyifpfff🌙 YESSSS DREAMS

15m 15 minutes ago then, after he gives his own life to help xxc and a-qings souls

the next reincarnation

where the three are all born again

yeeting patriarch he Finally doesnt remember all his past lives

THEY JUST FEEL FAMILIAR TO EACH OTHER

ssyifpfff🌙 Y A S

14m 7 minutes ago there is still stuff for him to go through

he finally paid off most of his punishment

yeeting patriarch THE STRINGS OF FATE BRING THEM TOGETHER

ssyifpfff🌙 oooOOOOOOOH

13m 6 minutes ago yeeting patriarch im so sorry for song lan tho boi deserves his Rest & Fresh New Reincarnation too :(

maybe this time he has to Work to be loved. whn he met xxc he was just accepted w/o question. this time he needs to earn love

yea............. idk how it would work w a fierce corpse

guess he would have to Perish first

oH MAYBE

bc theres 2 souls to heal (xxc and a-qin) there needs to be 2 sacrifices

ssyifpfff🌙 thus song lan needs to Perish n then he can re enter the reincarnation circle

11m 4 minutes ago yeeting patriarch I NEED TO COPY, PASTE & EDIT THIS WHOLE CONVO. WE CANNOT LET THIS AU BE LOST IN OUR DMS

DO IT NYARI SAFE GUARD IT

ssyifpfff🌙 N USE IT TO CONVERT PPL INTO XUE YANG CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AU

9m 2 minutes ago WE ARE AT IT AGAIN BEING DOGS

GODS******

yeeting patriarch quite literally being gods and doing what we want with the characters fates

DOGS

the only dog here is xue yang lmao

ssyifpfff🌙 if we dont, whos gonna do it????

4m 6 seconds ago OH ALSO

in all those punishing reincarnations, xue yang has quite a short lifespan

yeeting patriarch he never lives up his 30s

he has to die at more or less the same age as in his first go

so yea not to his 30s

ssyifpfff🌙 "he has to die" lmao sorry boi.............

3m 4 seconds ago how old was xue yang again

hes quite young right

yeeting patriarch on his 20s

ssyifpfff🌙 :/ im not sure

2m yeeting patriarch let's make it up he wont reach the 30s and it's ok

YEA LMAO

tbh idk the ages of any of the characters

only jin ling

ssyifpfff🌙 n sizhui

57s yeeting patriarch going thru the 20s only so many times is some punishment ksjdhgfshdj

LMAO TBH

WE RLY MAKING HIM GO THRU HIS TEENAGE YEARS N THN HIS 20S N THTS IT

ssyifpfff🌙 thts the cruelest thing we ever done

yknow The Final Reincarnation

xxc, song lan and a-qing have this sense xue yang is Familiar

xue yang does as well

but hes the only one who gets the most fragmented dreams

the others get fragmented blurred light memories in dreams

this makes them Question xue yang

and thus this time he has to Work to have their affection

mostly xxc's, ofc

with song lan and a-qing it'll be a bit of a cat and dog frenemies thingy

yeeting patriarch (xue yang as the cat, ofc)

frenemies is all he has lmao + xxc

song lan.......................................... he wont rmmbr righgt¿

asdfghjfhg the fragments he gets are gonna be abt him n xxc too

ssyifpfff🌙 thts gonna Hurt

1m 10 seconds ago YESSSSSSSSSSS

all of them are Clean of Full Past Memories

yeeting patriarch but FATE will bring them all together (modern setting au)

song lan we will find u love this time around

10m 50 seconds ago xxc, song lan and a-qing will all get all the good stuff

only xue yang will still go thru some Missions

well.

if we will have poly xxc with song lan and xue yang

song lan will get some Punishment by default GSDHJFOISU9DYFGHJDS

it's okay, xue yang will be 69x times better this life around, so

he will only have to up with xue yangs dramatic ass in the name of love for xxc

yeeting patriarch i mean back then he did leave xxc and only came back yeeeaaars later in Regret

ssyifpfff🌙 ACTUALLY UR RIGHT HE MESSED UP TOO

6m yeeting patriarch enduring an updated and polished xue yang is OK

ssyifpfff🌙 bsides ..... whn they work together to bring xxc n a-qins soul back they're gonna start getting along a bit more

5m yeeting patriarch YES

ssyifpfff🌙 xue yang will have gone thru development by tht point

5m yeeting patriarch he will witness the path of xue yangs reincarnations

OMG IMAGINE THEM HAVING TO GO ON ADVENTURES TOGETHER FOR XXC

OMG SONG LAN THE SILENT WATCHER OF XUE YANGS STRUGGLES

ssyifpfff🌙 MAYHAPS HE MIGHT EVEN COME TO FEEL FOR HIM

4m by the time they all reincarnate, his sense of familiarity will be Different from xxc + a-qings

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

HOLY FUKC YESSSS NYAURORA YES

we did it, we made this amazing poly fucking work

WHAT ABOUT

THIS FINAL REINCARNATION

they kinda get those Family Vibes

a-qing comes a bit later on

yeeting patriarch 2 and a half dads and their daughter

ssyifpfff🌙 2 AND A HALF DADS ASDFGHGHKLJFA

2m yeeting patriarch (and a half because even so much reincarnations, xue yang isnt a proper dad)

hes like a k00l uncle

ssyifpfff🌙 a bit of a bad incluence uncle

2m yeeting patriarch actually this does song like a father to me

ssyifpfff🌙 but tbh if not for his bastardy, xue yang n a-qing would get along so well

1m the fuck up

SOUND*

since he will have to earn for a-qings affection

the start will be rough

but later on, theyll be the Chaotic Duo

yeeting patriarch since this time around our xue yang is updated and polished to be the bastard on the right level

IMAGINE

one day into a distant future

all four together

yeeting patriarch with peace, happiness and warmth

ssyifpfff🌙 listenin to mcr?

3m and then

all of sudden

tears start falling from xue yangs eyes

yeeting patriarch hes all ???? about it

ssyifpfff🌙 NYARI

2m yeeting patriarch and the other three are just as shocked

ASDFGHJHG DONT

HES SO HAPPY

THIS TIME AROUND HES HAPPY FINALLY

ssyifpfff🌙 CENTURIES OF HURT

1m yeeting patriarch he doesnt understand why he got so overwhelmed

ssyifpfff🌙 OF HARD WORK TO BE BETTER

1m he cant make the tears stop

xxc gets super worried asking where it hurts

but... nothing hurts

yeeting patriarch THEN HE CRIES HARDER

ssyifpfff🌙 n thts whats making him cry!!! nothing hurts finally n hes glad!!

26s 3 seconds ago yeeting patriarch NOTHING FUCKINF HURTS NYASSHOLE. THIS IS HAPPINESS

ssyifpfff🌙 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

19s 3 seconds ago yeeting patriarch HOLY SHIT WE DID DONE THAT

the first few reincarnations and how hard it was for xue yang

the stages of grief but thru his many reincarnations

with the last one, before the Modern Setting

him breaking down in front of song lan

finally it all hit him and he gets it

when they manage to sacrifice their souls for xiao xingchen and a-qing's, he even wishes to not be reincarnated again so they can be At Peace without him

yeeting patriarch their lives*

OMG XUE YANG WISHING HE JUST REMAINS DEAD. NOW THT HE HAS FINALLY GOTTEN XXCS SOUL THE LAST TEST IS AN ACT OF REAL SELFLESSNESS.

ssyifpfff🌙 its would b so good?? bc whn he first get introduced to xy his motivation as a character is to get xxcs soul so he can use it for his own good

42m 41 minutes ago n at the end he would GIVE his soul for xxc, for THEIR own good

ssyifpfff🌙 did we just invent character development?

42m 41 minutes ago yeeting patriarch WE MF DID DONE IT AGAIN

ssyifpfff🌙 also purple420 lmao

41m 40 minutes ago yeeting patriarch he Finally embraces all the grief he felt when xxc died

ssyifpfff🌙 HE RECOGNIZES IT AS GRIEF!! BC BFORE HE JUST FELT ANGER AT XXC OF ALL THINGS

41m 40 minutes ago back then, the emotional constipation got in the way and he fucked up

but after so many punishing reincarnations, he finally came to take it all in and Understand

imagine him breaking down so many nights begging to xxc to forgive him in a desperate prayer

and song lan then one day witness it

yeeting patriarch fukc the road with song lan was also such a hard one

song lan seein xy chara development from afar is the best idea weve had in a long time nyari

ssyifpfff🌙 we did that

38m 37 minutes ago in the first few... idk, 10 reincarnations, song lan was so angry. 'why does he keep coming back? why does he have his memories?'

yeeting patriarch fates would always put song lan in xue yangs path

ssyifpfff🌙 Fate (us)

36m 35 minutes ago yeeting patriarch how Dolce it is to imagine xue yang finally taking in grief and regret and it all and breaking down... *kisses fingers like a chief*

by that last time, song lan and xue yang sacrificed their lives, even song lan was already suffering seeing the punishments of all xue yang's reincarnations

he witnessed all of them

yeeting patriarch and saw with his own eyes, ops! with xiao xingchen's eyes, nyeheh. how much xue yang learned and changed

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spartalabouche · 8 years

Note

(all for both skylar and kitty, or whichever you prefer to answer it for) 1-3, 5-12, 14-19, 21-26,28-38,40,42-50

OK i did ALL OF IT

1.What is your OC’s favorite color?

kitty likes red skylar likes purple

2.Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect?

kitty collects rocks! skylar collects Literally Anything given to him hes a bit of a hoarder but only when it comes to gifts. he cant bring himself to get rid of anything given to him

3.What kind of things is your OC allergic to?

kitty is mildly allergic to oranges. skylar isnt allergic to anything

5 already answered

6.What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite?

skylar loves any and all cats (including kitty(;3)) but tigers are his favourite. kitty likes bears

7.What element would your OC be?

skylar would be. water i think? i think kitty would be earth? but idk.

8.What is your OC’s theme song?

idk lmao i dont do theme songs

9.Do you have a faceclaim / voiceclaim for your OC?

been meaning to find some but i havent yet. i should get on that

10.What deadly sin would best represent your OC?

skylar i think would be envy. kitty maybe..wrath? i dont think that fits too much but its the best out of the seven.

11.What are your OC’s hobbies?

skylar likes to sew, kitty likes to cook

12.How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they?

skylar is very patient. but maybe a little past patient to being just kind of a pushover. but he is very patient. kitty is a little less patient but i wouldnt say shes hot headed? shes a little irritable the days around the full moon but other than that shes pretty ok

15. If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why?

kitty would like a lizard! she just thinks theyre cool. skylar wants a cat.

16.What does your OC smell like?

skylar smells like... warm. like warmth has a smell and thats what he smells like. kitty smells like fruit shampoo

17.How do they make a living? What kind of job do they want / not want? What is their dream job? What do they think of their current job?

theyre both highschoolers n dont have jobs but skylar wants to be a nurse. kitty isnt sure what she wants to do n thinking about it scares her a lil

18.What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths?

skylar is terrified of being alone, its the reason he was in his situation before he met kitty in the first place. he will do anything for you if he thinks you will leave him if he doesnt obey.

kitty is terrified of hurting the people close to her, mostly after when she attacked skylar bc of the blood moon bs. after a few more moons they figured out what the deal was but shes still afraid that something could happen and she could attack someone again without warning. before that.. im not sure? i havent thought much about that

19.What kind of music do they listen to? Do they have a favorite song?

skylar likes sufjan stevens n things similar, kitty likes the ready set n things similar

21 already answered

22.What kind of student were they/would they be in high school?

when hes with the right people skylar is a vry good student but before he met kitty he was in the principals office a lot and his grades dropped bc he was so exhausted emotionally from being w the ppl he was friends with and it took a toll on his mental health and his ability to focus and slash or care about school.

kitty is a good student in the classes that can keep her attention (usually science and history) but she has a real tough time if shes not Really Interested in whatever shes supposed to be learning, it just doesnt stick with her well. attitude wise tho shes a good student. she doesnt get into trouble unless the trouble finds her first and then shes too stubborn to back down lol

23.What is a random fact about your OC?

...........i cant think of a random fact that isnt already mentioned lmao

24.What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think in general about living?

skylar is pretty depressed and negative about His life but very positive abt others? if that makes sense? he thinks everyone has a reason to live and deserves to live. kitty is p much the same but shes not depressed rlly. shes pretty positive all around.

25.What inspired you to create them / how did you create them? Were they originally a fancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you first made them?

WELL. a looong while back i wrote a vent fic about dave like getting the shit beat out oif him or whatever. and skylar was one of the bg characters. he was very remorseful but didnt do anything to help dave or apologize and was just like.. in the bg for no reason? but then i was like i kinda....wanna do more with this guy. so i kinda like made an alternate ending to what i had where skylar helped dave after instead of leavin him where he was. and then i got attached lmfao.

kitty was made specifically for skylar! for a long while i thought skylar would always be like. a stand alone character it just felt rlly weird giving him a second Permenant character that wasnt terrible for him and then one day i was like WELL.....what if.......this Girl and then kitty was created

26.Who is the most important person in their life? Why? Who is the least important to them (that still has an impact and why?

skylar and kitty are each others Most Important Person. kitty brought skylar out of a dark place and skylar is kittys rock when she gets overwhelmed or breaks down. theyre good for each other. best friends.

there is not a single person however that is not important to skylar he cares abt everyones opinions all the time. kitty tho.. theres someone but im not sure?? who exactly? havent gotten into that or anything.

28 answered

29.If they could choose their epitaph for their grave, what would they choose?

man idk. skylar is too scared of death to think about it and kitty just doesnt thing much abt it

30.Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they have kids? Why?

kitty would like to get married, shes indifferent about kids. skylar would like to get married and have at least one child !

31.What is their most traumatic memory/experience? What is their favorite memory?

most traumatic.. for skylar probably . being kind of forced to hurt people?? not necessarily forced by other ppl but forced by himself ofc. but it was still traumatic.

kitty... im not sure. she hasnt really had any traumatic experiences so aside from attacking skylar which she could only remember bits and pieces of anyway idk !

33.Would they ever kill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to kill someone? If they would kill someone, why?

kitty could kill someone accidentally during a blood moon or if she was pushed too far in a non blood moon Wolf time she could probably kill someone but she definitely wouldnt mean to if she was coherent. shes a little more irritable during wolf times (i think i already mentioned that in this or the other one but) and if she gets too angry the wolf in her comes out a little more and she gets violent. shell only mean to maim but miiight go a little too far. hasnt happened yet though and she is determined to be sure it never happens.

skylar however. after like a year of hurting people hes sort of. learnt to dissociate in the process of it to cope. so if he was also pushed far enough, but like, thatd take more than wolfy kitty. like to the point of his family (including kitty) being seriously hurt or threatened seriously he could sorta. snap and have at it. and he could accidentally kill them. really unlikely though.

34.What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually?

skylar tends to avoid social groups for long periods of time and if he is w a social group hes pretty quiet and will mostly just talk to kitty between her conversations with other people. uhh id go a little more in depth about how kitty interacts with people but i.. do not go to social groups and interact enough to see how an extrovert.. would interact with other people. at least i dont kno enough abt how theyd interact to be decisive abt it. sorry lol

35.How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories?

skylar is def worried most of the time. he overthinks things especially when asked to do something, like hell overthink whether or not he did whatever thing correctly and overthink every little detail he worries a lot.

kitty likes to day dream! she likes to talk to skylar about her daydreams a lot n shell be able to go on for like an hour about whatever shes thinking about and skylar just likes to listen to her and she doesnt need him to participate a super lot just like. Listening makes her happy. shes got a lotta thoughts all the time

36.What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

skylar wants Approval and praise. not like in a selfish way like i did this thing for u so i Deserve your praise and affection for it or whatever but just. its a dpd thing. he Needs it

kitty is... difficult. i really dont have her wants slash needs as fleshed out as skylars which is bad of me :\ i need to get on that.

37.What’s something that your character does, that other people don’t normally do?

well kitty stims she likes to flap her hands and stuff but i think thats still pretty common. idk if skylar really does anything that other people dont do?? shrugs

38.What would your character do with a million dollars?

skylar would probably save it lol. kitty would impulse buy a shit ton of things at once until skylar was like wAIAt WHAT ARE U DOING and make her Calm Down

40 already answered

42.Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from?

skylar has scars on his cheeks, back of his arms, his shoulderish area and on his chest from kitty attacking him.

43.What was the most offensive thing your character had ever said?

skylars probably accidentally said a bunch of offensive shit being a Straight Cis White Boy but idk specifics man. kitty always corrects him tho and he does better hes tryin

44 answered

45.If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (or something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKE pineapple pizza?

skylar probably doesnt mind pineapple pizza? its not his favourite but hed be fine with it but kitty thinks pineapple pizza is the most Disgustng thing on earth. she would rather Die.

46.Your character is given a voodoo doll of themself. What do they do with it? Do they see if it actually works?

kitty would probably curiously mess with it a little but skylar would be too paranoid to touch it lol

47.Can your character draw? What do they like to draw? Do they doodle?

kitty likes to draw furries because she is an Actual Living Furry but skylar doesnt draw much more than like. ur average bored doodling.

48.What were their parents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult?

well theyre both still teenagers but kittys parents have always been very supportive of her. they kno shes bisexual and she hasnt brought up bein partially nonbinary just because she doesnt want to yet and theres nothing they Need to know about that yet but theyd be supportive of that too. shes got really good parents

skylars dad was not a very good person, not like physically abusive or anything but he was a toxic person and he is no longer in skylars life. his mom however! is a very nice person. shes rlly patient with skylar nd was especially when he was in that rlly bad place and was getting into trouble a lot. she knew there was something going on

49.Does your character like candy? Do they get sugar rushes? What are they like when they get a rush?

skylar likes chocolate and kitty likes.. like all candy. i dont think sugar rushes are.. a real thing??? lmao but itd just be kitty when shes excited. skylar doesnt get sugar rushes

50.If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count?

skylar is pretty afraid of death but i dont think hed try to fight it. hed probably isolate himself from anyone that wasnt his mom or kitty

kitty would probably kind of just hide it like not tell anyone if it was possible. shes like. the moderate amount of afraid of death n i think if there were ways she could try to avoid it that would at least Extend her time a little she would definitely do that as much as possible but if she knows there wont be much she can do she wont waste too much time with it. shed just make the time she has count

#oc info #DONE!!!!!#WOW #took like THREE HOURS jdhfgh im sorry lmfao #bring-us-back-light #alarm bark

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unproduciblesmackdown · 4 years

Note

every other even

Thank You epic

2: Favorite book?

still n/a

6: List 3 positive traits you have

hmm uh 1) i don’t think i’m more important / inherently better than anyone lol..... 2) i like. want to help people out and Be Generous w/ whatever i can. 3) i have my Cents Of Humour.........i know how to be Office Goofaround / get sillay......

10: Do you give people second chances?

idk i’ve never really been in a situation where i think of it like this

14: What are your thoughts on romance?

hahahaha yesssss milo the anti-romantic.......not that i don’t think Relationships and Intimacy isn’t great. you’ll notice that i do.....where is humanity found but through [other people] one way or another......isn’t it nice when people like each other Very Much....And So On, but then yknow. the Concept Of ~Romance~ which isn’t this universal objective thing and i so often hate a lot of ideas that kind of get associated with that idea, cuz it’s like, uhhh these notions seem a) not true and b) less Good / Positive actually lol....... pretty much want nothing to do w/ the notion of soulmates, at least in terms of like, “missing half” stuff and the one perfect person in existence for you, but like, whatever. [No] 2 the idea that ppl are incomplete w/o a romantic partner (or The romantic partner...the soulmate...) or that their Life is incomplete or basically meaningless / inferior if they’re single? like tf are people really thinking this is all beautiful and grounding concepts......and then accepting the Isolation (of Capitalism and its Nuclear Family concept) stuff where your The Romantic Partner is supposed to be like the only person you ever need ever again and like, don’t even worry about other relationships in your life coz you don’t need that anymore. which is an awful idea both for people in relationships / people who have a non-romantic relationship with someone in a romantic relationship / people who aren’t dating/married........imagine if a relationship actually Added to both parties’ lives rather than being like “well forget everyone and everything else in the world now :)”.......i don’t even think the more abstract stuff like “oh wow Love(tm) is magical and transcendent” is great like. love is as human as anything else and very ordinary and isn’t that the more Pleasant perspective here anyways?? i’m not interested in Romance being this whole dramatic performative thing defined by one particular moment or gesture or impulses of intense emotion like. uhh those things can Happen and be positive but then it’s not like, cue [happily ever after], the Rest Of The Relationship is gonna happen and not gonna ft. The Grand Gesture every single day. parts of a ~romance~ being very everyday and unspectacular isn’t necessarily inferior, isn’t that like the most important shit really, how is [being with someone] in the day-to-day way when nobody’s trying to create some special transportive experience or sweep anyone off their feet or carry out some dramatic cinematic Moment..........what else have i not even touched upon to Criticize??? b/c i’m your one-stop shop for [going off on a rant about what concepts re: Romance are shit]

18: What do you do when you have a crush on someone?

i mean i only have like “figurative” crushes lmao so i don’t have to do shit

22: Do you tend to have strong emotions?

yeah lol, kinda......but on the other hand, i also tend to have [is depressed] so. call that balance lmao??

26: Do you have someone in your life that you don’t know how you feel about?

nah

30: What makes you happy?

stares out the window.......speaking of, one answer is Overcast / Rainy Days

34: What do you look for in friendships?

“look for” like every friendship isn’t just stumbled across / falls into my lap somehow......i always meet people Through Interests but it’s not necessarily required for sure lol, uhh no matter what i just talk a lot :/ tfw the rare times i’ve gotten into a conversation with [distant friendly acquaintance] on twitter over something that we both want to talk about in that moment lmao and pretty much every time it eventually leaves off with me having the last lengthy reply b/c like, not even that i think they necessarily dislike it but it just easily hits a limit for people lol, but i tend to be kinda all or nothing Communicatively like that.......A Sense Of Humor for sure lol. and not like i run into the problem a lot but. ya can’t be v pushy....

38: If you could move, would you? Where would you move to?

man idk.........i’m like well at this point i feel like sticking w/ the east coast......it’s hard to suss out any reason/factor for any one particular place over another tho, i’m a chaotique stray gay

42: How far are you willing to go to find the truth?

i like can’t Not interpret this in a [thriller movie] sense or like?? some really specific situation? like what Truth would i be pursuing that would also have me be all “wow how far am i willing to go....” guess it depends lol

46: In a group setting, do you prefer to take charge or do you prefer to let someone else make the decisions?

im not taking charge of anything. do i even wanna be in the group? but i’m not necessarily letting some other rando start making crap decisions or thinking they’re all that lmfao why are They trying to take charge either. it almost feels like we could have more of a....group decision

50: What scares you the most?

who’s not worried about the next couple of months Especially.......also prison :( and late stage capitalism

#my blog is a hotline for [me booing Romance(tm)] for example: Boo. Boooooo #Anonymous

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winecals · 6 years

Text

how i became addicted to my eating disorder and being sick // trigger warning

its 2019. i started off the year w yet another b/p cycle after beating myself up for some weeks of being clean with occasional slip ups. after 6 years of disordered eating in general, going into 5 of bulimia, my ED is actually so bad to the point that:

i feel guilty for keeping anything down

any day i don't b/p isnt a day it's a wasted opportunity

i dont wanna eat outside of b/p but sometimes i do anyway

any day, week, month that i dont b/p i automatically feel fake and invalid. "do i still have an eating disorder?" i ask myself as i feel like a complete and total failure for making it even a week or two without b/p'ing. surely this must be SeLf ReCoVeRy just because i didnt spend the day b/p'ing but still constantly thought abt it and felt guilty and mad at myself for having one day without binging and purging everything or at least trying to.

eating anything, regular meal, snack, whatever and actually keeping it down for once and not turning it into a b/p the second i start eating or not just purging it anyway feels like giving up

allowing myself a day or 2 to try to fast and restrict also feels like giving up because "i know you dont wanna eat but you could be using this opportunity to b/p again" my mind tells me.

everything is abt how i'm gonna get away with purging it. how can i make this quick enough to not get caught but still make sure i get up as much as i can fucking force myself to?

my parents' suspicion worries me but also encourages me to try harder at sneaking around because i'm convinced i'm doing a good enough hiding that i'm still struggling everyday and still can't escape this mindset even on days i dont b/p. and what even is the point in trying to be sneaky abt it when they've known for going on 4 years as of this year?

"i'm not pro-ed but what if my ED is all there is to me?" my brain says, everyday. recovery sounds like giving up. the concept of allowing myself to not struggle and not be sick anymore sounds terrifying because i'm so used to my illness at this point that getting my life back and coming out okay in the end sounds like a nightmare when its actually what i should be aiming for.

"what if my ED is the only form of control i'll ever have?" i ask myself. how can i give it up now? after all "I AM in control! nobody controls what i eat except me!" but how can that be true when my parents still randomly question me to see if i kept something down or not and half the time they ask i have to lie to them and the other half i just feel upset because i planned not to keep it down but their nosy suspicion got the best of me so i did.

"you can't take my eating disorder away from me!" my brain and mind scream internally just because my online friends care enough to show concern about me. and when the occasional real life friend cares at all. or when my parents even bother to remember that i'm sick. eating around them and my family at all feels like a marathon that i will never finish. i can't have meals with family without overthinking or worrying until i either purge or keep it down and feel like a failure.

thinking abt recovery makes me want to punish myself for even considering letting go of my pain and sickness. i feel like the biggest bitch ever for feeling upset when ppl encourage recovery and taking my life back

once when i was in a restaurant with my parents and stepdad's best friend we were on the subject of my bad teeth/the dentist/that kinda thing. i reminded my mom that my ED still makes my bad enough teeth even worse. my stepdad's friend was like ??? and my stepdad loudly states out loud "she has a problem!" because that's all i am and i know it. a basket case. a poor broken soul that everyone expects to get better and come out on top like an ~ inspirational success story ~ when i know i'll never be able to do that

i no longer see dates and years the same. after all, everything MUST be somehow brought back to my eating disorder and self-harm. i see a year. oh what year is that? the year i started cutting? the same year i failed at starving myself everyday and didn't know what i was in for? maybe it was the year i started purging and falling into binging and purging before i knew what i was doing. the same year my parents found out i self-harm. or was it the year i graduated high school but all i see is "the year my parents found out their daughter is bulimic". my mom literally told her best friend who lives in a different state now "My Daughter Is Bulimic". i felt like a child that was being put in time out because they forced me to go back to counseling. they still think the word Stop is some ~ magic word ~ that's gonna talk me out of binging and purging. if i ever even wanted to ask for help for real they would probably just throw me back in counseling and baby me even worse than they do now. despite the fact that i'm 22 years old. they see me as a problem child. they act like i need to be monitored. "oh she has problems. she's been through a lot. but she just needs to believe in herself, have confidence, be positive". like i'm not already just procrastinating suicide. i'm not some kind of "It Gets Better" poster child. i'm the kind of girl that eventually will give in to those suicide urges. i've came so close to killing myself so many times that at this point that when i'm not thinking abt my ED, i'm thinking abt suicide and my self-harm. or all 3.

i'm either gonna have to recover or eventually just die. and based on everything in this post, clearly recovery isn't for me. you don't have to try to tell me all the health risks. how it's not worth it. how i'm beautiful the way i am. i'm never gonna be beautiful. i know that this is destroying my health and my body. i'm not stupid. i know it's not worth it but like my disordered brain and mind give a fuck anymore. accepting myself the way i am? well that would just be giving up.

i know i've already lost this battle. after all, i'm addicted to my illness. just the idea of trying to recover makes me wanna cry. i hate being like this. but i'm past the point of no return now. when recovery sounds like the biggest method of giving up to my disordered brain and mindset, how could you not realize how sick i actually am? would i love to just be normal? yeah! of course! but now that this mindset has taken over my life and every aspect of my already non-existent self-esteem i know that anytime i even try to recover. to rise above the urges. to fight back against the mindset. that i'll always see it as me giving up. i'm not me anymore. i'm the bulimic girl. the girl that can't imagine what she would be like without her illness. the girl that can only be in control by harming her body.

so if anyone thinks eating disorders can't be an addiction, just know i'm living proof they can. at this point i legitimately hope bulimia kills me. this is who i am now. a burden. a problem child. a sick girl that doesn't want her mental illness to be taken away from her because she can't imagine not killing herself everyday. i deserve this. i can never go back to That Girl. the one that was me before bulimia.

#tw #trigger warning #self-harm tw #ed tw #eatingdisorder #bulimia #bulimia tw #eating disorder tw #just ed things #ed #mia #disordered eating #giving up #nicole vents #tw suicide

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parallax-princess · 6 years

Text

I'm a Heroin addict. It's the only reason I'm alive. This is not "an excuse." I'll tell you why.

When I was 13 to 14, I was targeted by a predator who masked himself as a teacher. I was in a school of 10 pupils, never even having held hands with a boy. He took advantage and I did nothing. I blamed, and continue to blame myself. I thought I had to marry him. I used to picture this while I showered after these "lessons". I told the first person when I was 17. Nobody noticed and I was refused therapy. When I was 21, I was finally allowed therapy - only to have an old, obviously "traditional" religious therapist tell me it was my fault. Not only that, but that I was somehow worth less because I had 'engaged in something only for a husband and his wife.'

I started training to be a pilot when I was 16. I was juggling school work, ballroom/Latin dancing, extra curricular art, school outreach, chess club, Latin society, flying, social life, family life and a turbulent relationship. My family begun to accuse me of avoidance and being "anti-social." They damn near forgot about me sometimes, occasionally even forgetting to prepare dinner for me - though my mother, father and younger sister were all well fed... With second helpings. My friends turned against me without warning, mistaking my fatigue and my pain for what I suppose was 'plotting and scheming'. People got an odd feeling around me. I could read them, but they couldn't read me. I guess paranoia kicked in or something. I cycled through friends - a new group - at least once every year. I loved them all dearly. I would still give my life for my eighth grade best friend, and I mean that. 'Twas not me who wished to move on. Still, I kept trying. I was still having PTSD nightmares and couldn't bring myself to tell anyone, so I tried still. I told several versions of what happened to several people. All versions with different levels of 'terribleness' - I wanted to spill, but I got cold feet at the very last second, so I downplayed what happened. I wasn't lying - all these things still happened. They just were not the whole truth. I can still remember everything, and I still wish I did not.

When I was 17, my male best friend and I were sitting next to one another on a school bus, on a 45 minute long bus ride (school outing) to view a prominent university's grounds and offered courses. Fifteen minutes before reaching the destination, I noticed a couple of... What I first thought were cat scratches on his wrist. He was a lively but shy spirit. Incredibly bright. Top of our grade, and good looking too... Unpopular only because of his shyness and his trauma-caused 'high pitched voice' - which is a false voice, by the way. I made some remark about the "scratches," completely convinced they were inflicted by an enraged feline. I knew he'd had several of those. The immediate pallor in his cheeks and the way he reflexively flinched away instantly told me otherwise. He was hurting. He was hurting badly, and I refused to allow it to continue - at least, I refused to let him suffer in loneliness because he was too shy, and too considerate to reach out. He tried his damndest to avoid me, and succeeded for about half of the day. When I managed to corner him, he told me something that made my heart ache in my chest. He told me he didn't want to live any longer, and that he was cutting to try feel better. I did not leave his side. Not as far as I could help.

Some weeks later, he told me he wanted to ask another girl out. A popular girl, but beautiful and kind. I was absolutely elated for him. More than I can express. He confessed the only thing holding him back was that he'd not had his first kiss yet, at 17, and was terrified he'd mess up, freeze up, or disappoint her. Being a very open, honest, and unconventional friend - I invited him over to my house. I had no interest in him romantically but I loved him for everything he was, without expectation or longing. I loved him truly unconditionally - and I knew I'd never make him awkward about it! The plan was to come over, watch a film on my laptop - in my bedroom - and I would kiss him. I wasn't in any relationship, and the idea elated him. He'd finally be able to ask this girl out, without worry! As planned, he arrived one Saturday. I introduced him to my dog. I played 'The Perks of being a Wallflower' (still a favourite)... And at the part where Emma Watson goes in for the kiss, I did so too. His heart was beating so loudly I could hear it a half meter away. He did just fine, and I told him so! Imagine my surprise when he sighed happily and said "it's so wonderful to have a girlfriend finally! I've just told my mum."... I had been duped! But instead of being selfish about it, I went with it. I decided I would learn to love him romantically, and I did just that. There was so much to appreciate, and my objective was to build him up - bit by bit, until he no longer considered the sweet relief of death... A year and a half later, and his ego outgrew little old me. He left me heart broken. I let him go. He's successful today and hasn't been with another girl since. We'd slept together and everything! I was his first kiss and first sexual encounter, and I treasure that for what it was. It broke me to be tossed aside so coldly, but I rose up. I had to. Nothing could break me!

When I was 19, I'd earned my pilot's license (PPL) & driver's license within a month of each other. I'd been granted a future dated scholarship by a national airline carrier. I'd become a gym bunny. I didn't drink alcohol, smoke or even drink coffee. I had a job, while I waited for 2015 - my scholarship date - to arrive. I met a guy. I was with him for three years. He had an engagement ring. He slept with my "best friend" multiple times and told me it was my fault because I'd allowed it to become 'normal' by continually forgiving him.

When I was 21, I was based in a different province on this aforementioned scholarship. I'd begun struggling to concentrate on studies (developing psychosis-spectrum), and I had a sociopath boss [who has since been fired] who emotionally abused me for over a year and a half. Various tactics. Some of which include inciting paranoia (telling me the whole company was laughing at me), unjust threats of expulsion, unrealistic demands with regards to exams - which ONLY applied to me, humiliation tactics (insulting me and framing me as incompetent in front of 15 of my colleagues), refusing to call me by my name - only [insert my father's name here]'s daughter. The worst was telling me I was shaming my father... You see, I had told him my Achilles heel was my extreme fear of ruining my dad's reputation at the same airline... He used this against me almost daily. The pain still hasn't faded. To top this all off, the owner of the flying school was taking advantage of my loneliness and attempting to groom me to be his mistress - I eventually figured this out. Obviously I didn't sleep with him. On April 28th, because I'd dared to postpone an exam by two days to ensure a pass, harassment from my parents, manipulation from the school head, my now-ex having slept with my best friend again, and a multitude of other things, led me to (incorrectly) believe I would be expelled if I didn't write and pass THAT DAY. Well set-up mock exams told me I wouldn't pass, not even by luck {the aviation syllabus had recently changed, no new textbooks had been released, and nobody knew what was in the exams as the instructor briefing conferences were only to be held many months in the future}. I couldn't bear the idea of my father having to tell people his daughter had failed the program. So rather than that, I dressed myself in my pilot's uniform, sent goodbye voice notes to those I thought would only find them much later, wrote a note, wrote out a list of my online passwords, placed my identity documents in visible locations, lit a candle, played one last song (Unsteady by the X Ambassadors) and promptly overdosed on a strong cocktail of rizatriptan, Tramadol, sleeping pills, mild benzos, and 42 ibuprofen-paracetamol-codeine capsules. I carefully calculated a lethal dose for EACH medication. I was found 15 minutes before death. All I can remember is sitting on the grass, which moved like the ocean, paramedics sticking a tube down my throat, then hospital lights... And this feeling of bliss. Finally I could have some rest. Finally I could die.

I am now 22. The Aviation Authority won't allow me to fly despite me having no mood disorders, and there were mitigating circumstances. My best friend and now-ex fucked off and fucked each other. I lost ALL my friends and my 3 year relationship one week after hearing I'd never fly again. I thought helping my Heroin-addict friend through withdrawals would help. I suppose it did in a way. I started inhaling speed, and inhaling Heroin, and I am alive because my psychosis spectrum causes me to feel pain so much more profoundly than should be possible. I get so scared and anxious I can't talk or move, just from a door slamming. I have days where it's so hard not to kill myself that I pace and claw at myself, and have trouble breathing. My parents have all but disowned me. My dog is with my parents. My Heroin addict friend is now my boyfriend (we've dated 3 times and he was my first love). I broke my meth addiction a couple months back... And now Heroin keeps me alive. Sometimes it's all that keeps me alive.

-B

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noncompliant-fuckery · 7 years

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You wanna do those questions? :)

A billion years later.. 😜1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.Idk I have a lot of favorites. Debs is a favorite and I remember renting it from the movie store and watching it with my sister. Poor little me didn't realize I was gonna be like the main characters one day (aka gay af) 2: Talk about your first kiss.Well, first cheek kiss was in music class in middle school while watching pride and prejudice. It was fast and sudden cause I asked him earlier that day why we hadn't kissed yet and he stepped up and did it right there. Can't remember the first lip kiss but my first French kiss was unfortunately in front of his older brother cause we wanted tips on how to do it right and considering how shy I really was back then it was awkward ah lol3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for.Well the first one was a few years back I was talking to this one girl on here from the UK. She was basically the first girl to say she liked me back. Became extremely whipped for a bit. Was working up the nerve to see if we could be more but I waited too long and she randomly stopped talking to me. She messaged me months later out the blue that she had a girlfriend now and had to be friends. Was pissed at her cause she didn't have to ditch me just cause she had a gf, she could have told me and I would have switched gears cause we generally just flirted a lot. Anyways, I drifted from her cause we stopped talking for too long and wasn't in it anymore. Honestly tho our conversations were always a bit shit but I was making it work all that time considering I liked her. Her relationship only lasted 3 months. And yes I kept tabs back then lol4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.Falling that hard for a girl I barely knew was a regret. I regret giving up gymnastics because it got hard too. I regret graduating high school early because I missed out on stuff that happened that last semester. I regret how I felt about myself years ago because I had no reason to. I regret being so shy and letting it hold me back from things I want. I've got a lot of regrets unfortunately and I know life is too short for that shit but I still feel that way. Life moves on tho. 5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.Last year my sister picked me up from college and took me to the mall and to Dave and busters and I played games and shit. That was fun and I want to do that same thing next year :) 6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.Usually on my birthday growing up my family tends to always be broke so I'd often not do anything for my actual birthday. I'd have to wait till my sister's the next month to really celebrate and by then it's not really my birthday anymore, it's hers. 7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.Rather not. It's lame. 8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.I'm quite proud of making the Dean's list last year. It's like making the honor roll but the college version. Goal is to make it again but we'll see :) 9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.I've got moles everywhere but the ones on my face are my favorite cause it's a family trait on my dads side to have them there. I also like my collar bone and for some reason I like my forearms which is why I want tattoos there but can't :/10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.There was one with my sister years ago but I don't remember what it was about. Just know I was pissed and I stopped talking to her for a few days. 11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.You already know I dream a lot. I think I told you that I'm waiting for my death before I say which is my favorite dream but I guess a dream that's ONE of the best is one where I was just flying around. I've practically mastered that skill in dreaming so I'm always doing it and one dream there was no plot or anything so I just flew around this world I created just enjoying the freedom I had in my head it was awesome :) 12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had.I keep having this recurring dream where I'm in a building and I'm hiding and trying to get out. I climb through vents and small places and the small places sometimes get smaller and harder to move through. I believe I'm being chased in it. Idk I hate that dream currently. 13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.I imagine it being awkward as hell.. Not sure what the hell to expect really. 14: Talk about a vacation.Last week I drove 20 hours to Florida with 10 ppl which includes 3 little boys that were 8,7 and 4 years old. They were bad ah and got whoopins like every day. First morning in the house I jumped awake to someone screaming “nooo!” thought someone died in their sleep cause the ride there was too much...it was only one of the boys about to get it by there parents. I learned that I'm not a fan of my mom's mom. She's annoying to watch movies with always narrating shit like we ain't watching the same thing! And she called herself trying to get to know me by coming to sit really close to me and grabbing my hand and holding it and rubbing it and asking me personal questions and then getting mad when I don't look her in the eyes. Like bitch first of all your too fucking close! And secondly I fucking hate eye contact especially if i do not know you like that. Let's not mention when we went to her house and out of all the pictures she had up of her grandkids and kids. Me and my sister and my mom were not among them despite my parents saying they gave her plenty school pictures -.- the ride home was bullshit too. Too much church talk. But I did get to swim in the pool and that was really fun. Had bought a new swimsuit and I got complimented on my figure by my aunt and older cousin(after that I was quite feeling myself) and I bonded with my oldest little cousin Joey(8yrs old) there. Was trying to teach him how not to get his ass beat by his father everyday if he just fucking listen when someone says stop. I also cracked my phone screen again while I was there 😶… 🏃🏃🏃🏃15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.I believe that was before I beat the other sperm to the egg.. I didn't know better… But idk, I was content when I was in gymnastics even when I was just self teaching myself. That was fun. 16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to.Is a concert a party cause that was the first time I let loose like that and that was awesome :) 17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.I want to be friends with Gal Gadot cause I want her to do her touch thing with me so I can be a whipped as bitch for the rest of my sad fucking life… 18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.A girl named Patience (the bitch) cut one of my braids. This was 5th grade and I had weave in it so it wasn't my hair exactly that she cut but still, my parents paid money for that shit and that was fucked up. I went to the principal on her. Can't remember what happened next tho. 19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.I discovered I like girls one morning cause I found myself looking at a girls ass as I was walking up some stairs. I also had a lot of friend drama. 20: Talk about something that happened in high school.I emailed a teacher a month after I graduated high school to ask if I could put her down as a reference for work and I asked if she remembered me and she said she did and that I was her teacher's assistant. The truth is I wasn't her TA, my friend was and the teacher told me once that she didn't like her as her ta cause she never showed up. I didn't correct her about me being a ta cause I wanted to put that on my resume lol21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.Lol like ppl actually like me enough for me to get the chance to do that. 22: Talk about your worst fear.Fucking spiders. Fucking death, fucking losing ppl I love and care about. Fucking life. Also I think possibly heights. 23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.Its always so fun to be let down. But it's whatever and I move on. 24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.My cousin told me to basically unhinged and get out there in the world. I'm working on it. 25: Talk about an ex-best friend.She was kind of a shit friend to me. Always getting annoyed with me and finding a reason to stop talking to me for months. Now on Facebook she said nigga a lot and she's not black. Thinking about unfriending her. Not like we talk anymore. 26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.I sleep if I can. I rub on shit tons of vics. I drink extra cough medicine. I complain a lot for sympathy 😊27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body.Its weird but I like playing with ppls elbow skin. It's like silly putty, so loose, so wiggly 😁 lol Unfortunately no one likes when I play with theirs… 😔😒28: Talk about your fetishes.Don't want to claim a fetish until I have more experience. 29: Talk about what turns you on.Honesty it doesn't take much to turn me on. I crave far too much attention for something not to turn me on. But really, pet names are a thing for me but like not super cheesy ones. 30: Talk about what turns you off.When ppl are dicks and just unappealing to me. 31: Talk about what you think death is like.Very scary.. Maybe a little painful. I worry about what happens to my inner voice. Like….me. Sucks when you don't have a true belief in any religion so you don't have the comfort of their beliefs of the afterlife. At this point I pull from all religions and have a belief in reincarnation, a little bit in ghosts and a odd belief in continuing life in another world after this. Blame that one on syfy television. 32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.Across the street from my childhood home was a park and beyond that was a downward hill with a field and a pack of trees and beyond that was another downward hill with a patch of trees and a sewer and a maze we made from tall grass. I loved that spot. It was everything a child could ever want in a hide out. One time the older kids made a fire and we ate sausages down there. Good times. 33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.Watch TV or vent to you. 34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured.When I sprained my neck and back and my mom drove me to the hospital on the most jacked up roads ever. Every bump hurt like hell. Mom was way to drugged up on her meds that she tried to take me to a regular clinic that didn't have an x-ray machine until I called my dad to update him and he said to take me to the actual hospital.. That day kind of sucked and I couldn't do gymnastics for like a month :/35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.I wish I could stop giving up on everything. 36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.I love watching game walkthroughs and napping and let's face it, masterbation 👌37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.The UK chick was a dud, moving on. 38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.I'm sorry I'm just currently too lazy to figure that out lol39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.I wish I knew that I did not need to be that self conscious as a kid. I would have been happier. 40: Talk about the end of something in your life.Idk, when I graduated early from high school it was anticlimactic. I wasn't in the process of going to college yet so I had no forward movement. I was just done with high school and that was it. Had no job and basically no friends (was still getting to know you at the time tho) shit was lame.

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warholiana · 7 years

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On August 1, 2017, at the Swiss Institute in New York, I sat down to watch all five hours and 21 minutes of “Sleep,” Warhol’s first serious movie. In 1963, Warhol filmed his boyfriend John Giorno sleeping; in 2017, I committed to staying awake to take minute-by-minute notes on the whole thing. (Click here to read my similar notes on Warhol’s eight-hour “Empire”.)

00:00

– Begins w. shot of nipple – could almost be female. Hard to read. Establishes possible heterosexuality. (Somewhere Warhol is quoted saying he was afraid Sleep would be read as gay.)

So very tender: Watching someone sleep is the ultimate maternal act. (I wonder if the story about Julia Warhola watching her son Andy sleep is true. It was told after the movie was famous)

Note how close we are to Giorno’s nipple. So absurdly intimate.

– I start to notice rise and fall of the chest, giving away the subject. Also, white crumpled sheet visible in background.

– So very tender – watching someone sleep is the ultimate maternal act. (I wonder if the story about Julia watching Andy sleep is true. It was told after the movie was famous)

– Vexations by Satie playing in background at Swiss Institute, as it may have been (or may not have been) in an early screening. Does its sweetness push the tenderness of the footage too far? There should be a stronger edge of painful boredom to the piece. But this is after a bare few minutes. May yet get painful.

– Nipple still there. (Surprise-not-surprise.)

– Actually seems less tense than Empire, where you actually thought something might happen. Here, the sight of the chest rising and falling gives a rhythm to the scene that makes it play out more easily over time.

– With Empire, you thought that you might almost be watching a still. Here you know absolutely that you aren’t. Two pieces always seen as cognate are actually more different than one might think.

– Nipple has now disappeared into darkness. Was there a change of lighting – and film reel – that I failed to notice? The problem with taking notes is that it distracts you from the events in a film that is supposed to be event-free.

00:07

– Going to spend two minutes NOT typing

– Nope: Gotta record that a change in reel led to change in exposure, so nipple is again visible. But nothing else seems to change. At a time when everyone was familiar with the basics in film technology, and the three-minute reel, would audiences have understood that the action was continuing across film changes? Would that have added a pacing to the film that we’ve lost?

00:10

– Two minutes not typing again.

00:11

– Nope. Too much I want to write, at least early in the process of watching.

– Note how CLOSE we are to Giorno’s nipple. (Would ppl. have known it was Giorno?) So very, very, absurdly intimate.

- Change of reel, and exposure, and slight change of angle.

– Looks as much like a landscape as like a body (cf Venetian nudes-in-landscapes, almost a cliché). Close-up is so extreme that this feels like a fully

modernist exercise in form, a la Weston. A denial of the intimate, sexual nature of the piece – useful to in-the-closet Warhol – but also sets it right into the modernist tradition that Warhol has such great training in, and that he never ever jettisoned. I think Edward Weston’s photos were shown in Pittsburgh when AW was young. Gotta see if they were the nudes. (Do the dates – late 1940s – make that possible?)

– Back to darker exposure of the nipple. Is AW looping some of the same footage (as I know he did, and as some early watchers knew) or have we really moved forward in time with the sleeper?