#but then its nov 5th so i listen to the night we met. i listen to angel with a shotgun(nightcore version)

[purrka]

happy nov 5th!!

[hermywolf]

so i was listening to my 12h long destiel playlist during the nov 5th countdown a,d the night we met started playing exactly when the clock hit midnight. its TWELVE HOURS LONG and it’s only in there once,, i think spotify is a destiel shipper

[mashtonasfuck]

I was at work when Ash posted this, and came out of work to see the notif and then proceeded to sit in my car sobbing for 20 minutes. This man, and this band are my lifeline. I’ve never told y’all my story about how I found 5 Seconds of Summer, but now seems like a good time. I’ll put it under the cut so it doesn’t clog up your dash.

I found Luke around the 14th of March 2011. I was 14. He’d posted his cover of ‘Fireflies’ by Ron Pope a few days before, and there was just something about it that I couldn’t get out of my head. At the time I didn’t think much of it (this was pre-youtube account) and I kept checking back every now and then to see if he posted anything else. In April of that same year, Mike and Cal uploaded a video introducing them as a three piece under the name of ‘5 Seconds of Summer’ - they did a few more covers, most of the time with only two of them lmao, and I kept checking back to see what they were posting. Ash joined them in December 2011 and they became a four piece.

When they uploaded the video for ‘Teenage Dirtbag’, I knew that I wanted to keep watching their content as there was just something I still couldn’t shake. The energy with the four of them had shifted somehow from just being the three of them, and it kept me interested.

They toured a lil bit of Aus in 2012, and I spent my days on Youtube watching shitty videos of them playing songs they’d written themselves rather than covers. They then revealed that they were releasing an EP later in the year. They dropped ‘Unplugged’ in June 2012 in Aus and NZ and I remember being super sad that I couldn’t buy it in the UK yet. It was released WW in December 2012, and you bet your ass I bought an iTunes voucher so I could buy it (remember iTunes vouchers?? Those were the days, RIP iTunes). They moved to London at the end of that year. I remember seeing a video someone uploaded of them doing an impromptu session playing in a park in London and being so sad that I wasn’t there to see them. They did some small intimate shows in the UK while they were over here, but I never got to go to any of them.

In early 2013 they started touring with 1D, but again I never got to see them. I LIVED for the shitty videos people were posting on Youtube of their performances, and I was desperate to see this band I’d become so obsessed with following.

On the 24th of February 2014, they uploaded the video for ‘She Looks So Perfect’ on Youtube. It was at this point that my friends at school became aware of them and started following them, despite me telling them for years that this band were awesome (teenagers, am I right?). On the 27th of June 2014, they released ‘5 Seconds Of Summer’ out into the world. I was 17 years old.

At 17, I was struggling with A LOT. My grandad was very ill, my friends turned out to not be my friends, and it’s probably one of the loneliest periods I’ve ever had in my life. I’d experienced what I thought was heartbreak, and their self-titled album was everything I needed at that time in my life. I finally saw them on the 5th of June 2015. I got to spend two hours in a room with my four favourite people in the whole world. I have a video of them playing ‘Everything I Didn’t Say’, and all you can hear is me sobbing in the background lmao.

Walking out of that venue, I knew my life would never be the same.

I was pretty active on social media at this point, as were the boys, and seeing the stupid things they got up to on Keek and Twitter genuinely made my days so much brighter.

As we all know, ‘Sounds Good Feels Good’ was released on the 23rd of October 2015. I was 18, my parents had just split up, my grandad had died and I felt like the whole world was out to get me. I fell into a period of intense depression and did some things I’m not proud of, and I honestly didn’t see a way out. Then SGFG came along. That is the album that quite literally saved my life. Listening to the four people I admired most in the whole world singing lyrics about things I was going through, being the same age as me, was totally overwhelming. I don’t remember my first listen through of that album - what I do remember is the way that it changed my whole world view.

They understood exactly how I felt, down to the last detail. To this day I have to leave Broken Home and Invisible off of playlists because they jolt me back to a time in my life that I don’t ever want to experience again. That whole album was my saving grace for a long time. I’m eternally grateful to them for releasing it when they did, as I’m gonna be straight up and say that I might not have been sat here typing this today.

I went to their show for the SLFL tour on the 8th of April 2016. I spent most of that night crying my eyes out and getting weird looks from the people around me, but I didn’t care. This was my band, and they were playing the songs that literally saved me. The SGFG era was emotionally draining for me for a long time, and it took me a while to be able to listen to most of the album again as it just felt so raw.

When they took time off to rejuvenate themselves before album three, I was worried. For the last 6 years this band had been what kept me waking up each morning. The lack of content was freaking me out and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. My mental health was on its way down again and I found myself going back to old patterns.

At this point, I’d been in a relationship for almost three years, was engaged, and was living with my then SO. I thought everything was perfect, I had the life that I wanted with a man that I thought I’d be with forever.

In February 2018 they released ‘Want You Back’, and I loved it, but didn’t have the connection with it like I did with SGFG. I missed out on tickets for the 5SOS III Tour (and may have cried about it, but it’s fine), but bought tickets for the Meet You There Tour before they even released the album. This was my band, of course I was going to see them.

When ‘Youngblood’ dropped, I had a day off from work. I set my stereo system up, and lay on my living room floor with the speakers around me in a circle. I wanted to feel the new album, not just listen to it (weird, I know). Want You Back and Youngblood were fine, but then we hit Lie To Me.

‘I know that you don’t, but if I ask you if you love me, won’t you lie, lie, lie, lie, lie to me?’

I genuinely felt all of the breath I had in my lungs, vacate. I’m gonna be straight and say that I hadn’t been happy in my relationship for a while despite what I said above - my partner was emotionally abusive, and the warning signs were clear, I just didn’t want to see them. That one line haunted me every time Luke sang it, but I let it play through and moved through the rest of the album. When it finished, I let it play through again. I let those lyrics flow through me, and by the time it got round to Lie To Me again, I was sobbing. Once again, these boys knew exactly what I needed to hear, at the exact time in my life that I needed to hear it. It took me seeing them again in November of last year to make a change in my life.

If you’ve been around for a little while, you’ll know that I’ve shared my Meet You There Tour story before, but if you haven’t read it, you can find it here. I stood at the back of the O2 Academy in Birmingham, a year ago tomorrow (1st of Nov) and cried. Listening to my boys sing those songs in person absolutely broke me, and made me realise that I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I left that show heartbroken, and overwhelmed, and honestly exhausted, but I drove back home and spent the next two months trying to fix the relationship I was so unhappy in.

I thought I’d made progress, but after Christmas of last year, everything fell back into old patterns and enough was enough. Watching my ex-partner walk out of the front door was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I’d taken the plunge, but I was broken. I moved back in with my mum in January of this year, which has been incredibly stressful (that’s another story lmao), but the one thing that has kept me going is these four boys.

Ashton is always the one that I feel the most connected with - I don’t know if it’s because he’s the oldest and people usually think I’m a lot older than I am, but his life philosophy and his attitude towards the things which make him a better person, inspire me every day. Whenever I’m having a shitty day, he always seems to put out a Tweet which says exactly what I need to hear. His love for us keeps me going every day, and I strive to be even half the person that he is. He does so much for us, and I thank God every single day he biked halfway across Sydney to attend that first band practice as a four-piece.

Their music makes me feel a lot less lonely, in a world that hasn’t always been the kindest to me. Because of them, I’ve met some of the coolest people on the planet through this godforsaken website, and the existence of these people in my life makes me excited to wake up each day.

This Tweet from Ash tonight reminded me exactly why I stayed with this band way back in 2011. Their passion for their art inspires me every single day and I am constantly in awe of the way they continue to push themselves and their performance.

I am not the same person I was at the start of the year. ‘Youngblood’ has helped me reinvent myself into the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m so much stronger than I ever thought possible, and I’ve only realised that because of four dorks from Sydney that told me it’s okay to be whoever you want to be.

I will forever be grateful for their music, their passion, and their presence on this Earth. I’ve never stuck with any artist as long as I’ve stuck with this band, and I would not change that for the world.

Thank you 5SOS, for always being there for me, even if no one else was. I love you guys.

[heraldshaka]

Top Right: November 2013. Dear Journal, Its been a while so Im going to do a long update. Number one Dad is gone. Hes in prison cause he stole a boat, totalled two perfectly good cars, tried to kill mom in a drunken rampage and drunk driving. Honestly I say good ridance. Joel has a girlfriend now. Brooke WInn. I was pretty pissed for a while because she was the first girl I ever had a crush on and the first girl to give me her number. But after accidently seeing a picture of a conversation between them to (It seriously was an accident) I can see that she really likes Joel and Joel really likes her. As suspected now Joel has had his first kiss, date, and girlfriend. I’ve honestly wanted to do these things for a while largely out of curiosity but I decided to wait until I’m at least 15 years old. Speaking of age, I wrote a letter to my 30 year old self. Anyways my huge passion for the past year has been film making. Unfortunately I dont have the neccesary equipment nor a Job to earn some money but I think I want to do film making for the rest of my life. Me and Josh have been doing a lot of spear fishing recently but I am yet to kill a fish. Something I forgot to mention about Joel’s girfriend, another reason I’m not angry is because I decided long ago I would wait until at least 15 to start dating so I was never going to make a move but Joel did so It’s not like he stole her because she was nevermine. as of the rest of the family, Bria 

Bottom left:  is dating Thomas kreuser now, Josh is playing dating ping-pong with Lydia and its really mean. Lydia’s looking for something serious and Josh is a horn dog. Joel has a phone now and wont stop texting or calling Brooke. Josh, Bia and mom are rarely family interactive any more. Baylee still takes pretty much anything she can lay her sticky paw on but she is a bit more respectful. Jonah has becom “that  little brother”., The kind you NEVER want around friends. Something applicable to all the little kids is that their absolutely disgusting and bossy. Brenna is pretty disobedient but still not as roudy as Jonah or Brooke. Brooke is even more annoying as she was. Whinnes about everything, disgusting, STILL craps her pants and is insanely disobedient. As for me, I’ve fallen in love with music and film making. I take most of the house responsibility. I try to keep it clean and in control but usually end up just hiding out in my bedroom when ever I get a chance. I don’t play much video games any more. Over the past year I have matured a lot but I can rarely noticibly show it because to all my friends I’m the funny guy which is usually fine but sometimes I really wish I could just open up. I got to the farmer’s market alot now and now Jesse is my best friend. He’s very funny, honest, trustworthy. Which I can truly respect and I can’t say yo pretty much any of my friends. Me and Josh work out now so thats cool. But stil I spend most of my time listening to music and thinking about filming.

Bottom Right: Christmas is in a month and a half and if I could get just one peice of film equipment I need to start I would be happy. There is nothing I currently want more than to start filming and directing videos. I’ve done some drawings which I’m a little bit proud of, but I’ve also thought up this big animated TV series. Like the next Avatar: The last airbender which is my favorite TV series ever. I was thinking about having three nations and one kind of secret nation. The protagonist is a young teenageer I haven’t thought up a good name yet but hafter his entire family is killed a few years before due to the war between teh three main nations, he sets out for revenge on the people, specifically everyone who was in that squadron who killed his family, he begin’s to learn the powers of one of the nations the ncomes upon a clue suggesting that the powers of each nation which are believed to be a birth right to only some people of their nation, can actually be learned by anyone. Throughtout the rest of his Journey he comes across a new companion of each nation and begins to learn each of the powers which are Light which is used by a peolpe of monks, Necrocity like using darkness or even the dead as weapons and Nature. The power of having control over living plants and sometimes even subdue animals. Theres a lot more to it that I’m not going to get into so I’m signing out for now.

Left: Nov, 2013. Dear Journal. Today I’m going to go very in depth about something I haven’t told anyone. Joel’s girlfriend, Brooke Winn. I REALLY like her. In my last entry I said it didn’t bother me anymore but it does. I know I said I wont even try to get a girlfriend until I’m at least fifteen and I stand by it. But yesterday she came over to our house for 6 hours right after she hung out with us at the market an I saw first hand how much they care about one another and they really do. But it sucks for me because I still really like her. Plus I met her first, got her number first and I still remember so much about her. Her birthday is in march, her favorite movie is Clockwork Orange, she’s a vegetarian because her brother dared her to do it for a few months and she just went with it after that, she likes Avatar and Pewdiepie just like me, she wants to go into the navy when she’s older, her favorite video game is League of Legends. Also without me, Joel and her might never have met. I remember all this and some more because for a while I kinda thought we had something special. Now shes dating my brother and I may never know if we did. Last night was the worst night of my life because I spent all night avoiding the girl of my dreams because shes dating my brother. Is it just a little crush that will blow away eventually? Maybe. but when I’m around her, when I read some of the things her and Joel say to eachother, it feels like a lot more than a silly crush.

Left: Dec 3, 2013. Dear Journal, well I have obtained some very shocking information. Whilst Joel was playing League of Legends he tabbed out to face book where he had been messaging Brooke Winn and I noted she said “I love you too.” As said before, I really like Brooke in more than a friendly way and I promised myself I wont try to get a girlfriend until I’m minimum 15. Probably not until I have my license but I can’t help but wonder “Did she ever have feelings for me?” Because I taught her how to dance, she  gave me her number. The swing after we spent nearly 2 hours just talking and dancing. Obviously I never made a move but I always had feelings for her. It’s very possible that she was waiting for me to make a move and got impatient. That almost happened to Joel but he made a move and now They’re in love and I wonder “What if?” What if I made a move? Would we be dating now or would she have turned me down and then we’d be akward acquantices? I can’t help but wonder.

Right: Dec 14, 2013. Dear Journal, Today we have Brooke and Thomas over (Bria and Tom are dating) for this tree decoration crap and I realize its getting easier for me to be around Brooke Winn. I still have feelings for her but due to my resistance I can be a little easier around her. But it’s still pretty weird because Joel knows I like/liked her so we rarely get to talk Just me and her. And when we do its hard for me to think of a conversation topic because all I can think of around her is the fact shes dating my Brother! It sucks so badly especially beecause I do still like her and she is DATING MY BROTHER! Its a terrible feeling but one I’m going to have to live with. Part 2. Well I have concluded Dec 14 2013 and it sucks. Yesterday was cool but today I spent 3hrs at a parade. But is that enough? Oh no! Throughout that time I simply stood idly by while Joel and Brooke continuosly made out and cuddled throughout that time. Thomas hasn’t turned into a fag due to his relationship like Joel which is good so we hang out a good bit but it still ended with me as a 5th wheel.

[iamperfectlyimperfect]

Sam...

Nov 20th:  I was doing the normal online dating thing...  I hit a wall... got tired of the way guys were talking to me. I changed my mind set. I am only going to swipe guys that I feel have FULL potential! I swiped one person that night. 

Four days later I was just about to delete the apps because I couldn't stand it any more and I matched with the one guy I had swiped in 4 days you know the one with the cute dimples. The moment we matched I told him I was deleting my dating profile and he should snap me. The other guys I was talking to.... I stopped. There was no one I wanted to invest my time in.

Nov 27th He doesn't text a lot so it's been pretty slow. I am loving getting to know as much about him as I can. His dimples! Omg his dimples. I'm in trouble. I'm definitely attracted to him. He has a positive energy about him. He is insightful. So far a good listener and engages in conversation. Even says supportive things. He is respectful of me. Respectful in the way he talks to me. I love the fact that he understands working in yourself. We can have real conversation about growth and challenges. Just supporting one another keep positive and keep going.

Nov 28th We had a "virtual date" kind of... I was watching the fight with Todd. I live streamed the Tyson fight so sam could watch it. Because he couldn't get it at home.. But honestly it made my night. To spend that time with him. Laughing together from miles apart. His smile makes me smile and I love it. Ugh I really like his energy. Not many people work as much as I do. but It could be fun! 

** I am doing this whole manifesting thing so here goes it lol!  “He is going to be the one and I never have to be broken hearted ever again. Wish me luck 🙏 😅** 

He said we could get together on Friday!

Well... It’s Friday the 4th! I am so excited. Like the tension between us is pretty intense. I don’t normally hook up really quick only but holy shit. I want him! I don't know I guess we will see what the night brings. I just want to know more about him. He is really busy so I don’t know a lot! but I want to know more! 

Later Friday night! well umm... I'm either getting stood up or he is stuck at work. We were suppose to connect at 7. Its now 8:30 and I am sitting here starting to feel shitty.... I am all dressed up, looking cute and he has not text. I don't want to be the 1st one to text but I could go out to a friends if I found out right now we are not getting together. I will wait a little while... 

Okay, it’s 9:30 I am texting. 

He is not standing me up on purpose he is stuck at work. It takes 30 seconds to say that. So that respect would have been nice to know 2 hours ago...  I'm sad... really bummed actually.  He asked for a rain check for Monday. Monday can’t come soon enough!  I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation after work. I don't think he will be standing me up again any time soon... :) 

Saturday the 5th This smile never goes away. I have not even met him yet. But I cant get him out of my head. How do I miss someone I have not met. I want to kiss him. I want him to kiss me. 10 minutes video calls with him make my heart melt. I can't wait to met him.

Monday might just come sooner then I thought! He asked If I wanted to come hang out around 3. Umm YES! 

It was everything I wanted and more. He is just as adorable as in his pictures. I could stare at him for hours. Snuggling in his arms was the only place I wanted to be. ugh the way he kissed me and looked at me!*everything else was pretty amazing too*

I asked when do I get to see you again. He said he would look at his days off and get back to me. I didn't want to ask again. so I didn't... 3 days went by... Then 4 & 5 days. His texts got fewer and fewer. It was a crazy day at work! Even if It was just a night after work snuggled on the couch I would be fine with that. I had such a rewarding week and I just wanted to share my days with someone but he never called he never asked.  Some nights he wouldn't even text when he got home from work. It takes 2.5 seconds to text good morning. And 5 seconds to send any text out of 86000 seconds in a day. 

By Wednesdays I knew this was not going anywhere. It was 11 he has not text or called but he was off work. so I tired to video call him. I got an error that he was on another video call. Instantly my heart sank and I decided it was time for bed. 

Thursdays even though I knew what was going on, I didn't want to believe it. So I went about the day like I normally do. giving him text updates along the way. So badly just wanting anyone to give a shit about my day. I just want someone to share life with. Towards the end of the day I changed gears over to I want you texts. Different ways to put a smile on his face. He never texts back so that was at no surprise. And some times he get off around midnight so I sat checking my phone every 5 minutes... by 12:30 I had accepted he didn't care. by 1:30 I was hurt because he was online. So I text a simple “you suck” I was up all night thinking of what to say or how to say it. telling him how fucked up it is not not text back. like what a douche bag thing to do. If you are not interested then just say it. why waste my time. why lead me on. I made excuses for him, being understanding of his routine. Being understanding of the fact he works so much. Just no. 

I woke up to a “mernin” text for the 1st time all week... Here we go. Go ahead and tell me the things you should have said 3 days ago when you made up your mind that I was not what you were looking for. Tell me it’s you and not me. Tell me that you are you and not willing to change. You know the worst thing about recovering addicts, is that they believe their own bullshit and they think you are stupid as fuck. I grew up in the rooms. My mom is an addict. My dad is a recovering addict of 23 years before he died.  I am 100% in support of recovery, Routine and you time. Means I would have a routine and me time. I am even more in support of how much you work. Because there is no one that works as much as me. That's what I liked the most. Positive, encouragement to just "do better, be better." Is my life right now.

You could have not said anything at all today. because your silence last night was enough! All you said is exactly what I already knew. It’s not that you wont change. It’s that I’m not enough to make you want to change and you are already looking for the next best thing. It’s ok. I'm a big girl I am use to it. I’m Fine. My dad said it best “I can pick an addict out of a crowd and that is who I am going to fall in love with.”

Do you want me to accept this or call you out on your bullshit. Either way it doesn't matter to me. I mean I could choose to be nice just so I can still fuck you for a while. ** After thought, No if you will please block my number. If I call... don't answer. Shouldn't be there hard for you. As hard as I love, is the same as I hurt.

He told me that i needed to chill... that this is the drama he was talking about yet its been 3 days of him saying he was gonna call and we would talk about this. How understanding do you think a girl can be when she is confused and disrespected. Hurt and feeling like garbage. When if you would just tell her that your not interested the horrible feeling would go away and she could start to move on. But your gonna tell me "I'm all over the place rn" because your a douchebag that won't give me the respect of a 10 minute phone call to stop my mind from racing. Thank you for the emotional roller coaster, treating me like I never mattered to begin with, Making me feel worthless, but I do appreciate you showing me now instead of later. To begging with would have been better. ps. FUCK YOU MY HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE MY INTENTION WERE PURE AND ITS YOUR LOSS NOT MINE!

[trialsofhaly]

The Norm of Obsession?

Its 6:09pm Nov. 5th and I’m a 25 year old model. I’ve been trying to break into the modeling business since I was 18 years old. I’ve had some success, but still have goals I’d like to reach. I’d like to blame the industry for my lack of self-acceptance but that wouldn't be entirely fair, as its not entirely the industry’s fault. My issues of self worth go back about 15 years, when my father abandoned his family and bullies started teasing me for my appearance. I could, however, say that I’ve seen how this industry can breed self hatred and a sense of never being good enough in women who are predisposed to struggle with their sense of worth.

I can almost not even put into words how frustrating it is to feel the way I do about myself. I’m healthy, smart, “conventionally beautiful,” loved and supported. Yet here I am, once again feeling the familiar heavy, solid ball of fear and desperation choke me as I try to find the words to tell myself that I am more than a few pounds. That I am more than a few breakouts. More than some hormonally induced binge meals. Binge days even. More than the incredibly frustrating yo-yo nature of my physique as I constantly try to learn how to control and push my body to be a different composition than what comes most naturally to me.

How do you explain to people who love you that you look in the mirror and don’t see what they see? That you wouldn’t think to ever call yourself beautiful?  How do you explain the loneliness you feel on nights like tonight when you have the world at your feet, yet for some time you feel as though you can’t even enjoy a minute of it because your mind races to the amount of sugar you ate, the workout you skipped, the carbs you didn’t cut out, the ways you just didn't try hard enough? 

I don’t always feel like this. If I’m doing something I love, I feel at peace. If I’m being creative, surfing, exploring, trying new things, I forget for a moment to listen to that mean voice in my head. The voice that says I need to have a flatter stomach and a smaller measurement. 

But we cannot control everything. And we make “mistakes.” Mistakes that we've convinced ourselves must then be corrected with the never-ending cycle of spiraling diets and excessive exercise. Obsession is a hard pattern to sustain if your happiness is important to you. 

What does my obsession look like? I wake up in the morning and take a second to give thanks for my breath, for being alive. And without missing a beat, I stand up and look in the mirror to check how “fat” or “skinny” I am. If I don’t like what I see, my day begins with anxiety and sadness. I think of ways I can get back to where I’ve decided I need to be to acceptable. I take pictures of my body to obsessively compare my body over time. My stomach is the last place I lose weight, and the first place I aim my criticisms. My body changes week by week as my hormones do throughout my cycle. I’ve found it next to impossible to maintain the same body composition throughout the month, as a woman’s cycle has a great affect on her body. 

Yet instead of celebrating this natural and beautiful part of me, I dread it. I’m restrictive and hyper active to try to lose the weight I gain throughout my cycle. Like a hamster on a wheel I just run and exert and stress but get nowhere. All the while never feeling good enough. 

The most disturbing part of this is, I’m not alone. Maybe I’m more extreme or different. All of us have our own unique story. But I don’t think I’ve ever met another model, nonetheless another young woman who loves her body. It’s so sad that we don’t appreciate ourselves, that we don’t see ourselves the way our loved ones do. That we spend so much time frantically trying to change ourselves, our legs, arms, skin, stomach....etc. The things we were born with, the things that make us unique and wonderful. We waste so much time waiting for the day we’ll reach that impossible goal of perfection, we don’t fully enjoy the wonderfully precious life we’ve been given. 

Instead it just feels normal for us to be self-obsessed, self-critical and self-deprecating. We forget to pay attention to how much those thoughts are negatively affecting our lives every single day. 

I don’t know exactly how to stop feeling the way I do about myself. But I believe I can do it. I believe that one day I will be able to shrug off my imperfections. I will be able to embrace them as I would embrace a friend, sister, daughter. I know that therapy helps, that practicing saying nice things to myself helps. To say, I love you, you’re doing your best, you aren���t perfect and that’s okay. You are loved for your soul and you were put on this Earth for a reason. A much greater purpose than to look a certain way. You are worthy. You don't need to be perfect to be loved. I know that teaching myself how to value me for who I am in my heart and soul helps. Smiling and giving thanks helps. 

Writing helps, the thought that maybe I can speak about something that most of us can’t find the words for. I have found it to be an incredibly long journey. Especially with the infinite amount of “standards of perfection” we find on social media. From the media in general. We’re conditioned to believe that we have to look a certain way to be loved. That those who look a certain way are happy and fulfilled because of it. Although I know that’s not true, sometimes I think that the idea of being enough, of being worthy, of being lovable is a harder pill for us to swallow. 

I look forward to the day that’s no longer the case. Every time I feel badly about myself, I have a chance to make a change within myself. I have a chance to choose to give myself love, patience, understanding and care. I might not get there within the hour, or day, but the more I practice, the easier it will get to love myself for who I am inside. To love myself the way my friends and family do. And that gives me hope on nights like tonight. And I hope it gives you hope too. I hope you can see that beauty comes from within, that we all struggle, but the struggle can be a beautiful story if we embrace it with empathy and understanding. Don’t be so hard on yourself, it’ll make this experience much more enjoyable. Use your imperfections as opportunities to teach yourself new ways to learn to love your body. One minute, one step, one day at a time. 

Much love,

T

[mybabbbbee]

The firsts

First meetup: 7th July 2019. I was pissed off already abt alot of things and didnt at all wanna marry a doctor. Our conversation was very casual. I was the one who talked for the most part.

First time we sat together on one couch: 21st July 19 when it was our baat pakki ki rasm. I tried my best not to touch him.

First time i met him in niqab/on duty: 31st Aug 19 i was in my gynae OT and telling a friend abt how he is in anesthesia nowadays and yikes! There i saw him. He was soo focused on work. So i had to approach him and have a confused conversation. Later worry for 2 days doubting if he liked me or nah.

First gift: 11th Aug 19, we went to their place a day before Eid ul Azha. He had brought gucci perfume for me from Dubai. Mom also gifted him some clothes and a perfume.

First time i heard him play guitar: 11th Aug 19 everyone insisted him to do so. He played alot of songs out of which i knew some. GOT theme song, ab tou aadat si he, bachana were my fav.

First time he held my hand: 24th Aug 19 on our engagement when he held my hand to put the ring on. Lasted for barely 10 seconds and my hands were cold af.

First time he served me food: that too on our engagement. Served me rice.

First time he texted me on my number: 26th Aug 19 i asked aunty for more pictures and he texted me the link. And also asked me to thank ma pa for the watch. Also he made a laughing emoji at the end and i wanted to ask him does he laugh too 😯

First time i added him on snapchat: 28th Aug 19 cuz i was worried he isnt texting me. So he viewed all my stories hehe. And also posted his two days later. He has a score of 65 and i have 44k 🙄

First time i fantasized about him: 4th Sept 19 i was depresses bcs of messed up clg routine so i worked out and took a shower at midnight and afterwards just laid down naked in bed. And then i started thinking abt him and well that was my first orgasm right there.

First time we had a proper conversation: 5th Sept he was sick so i texted to wish him speedy recovery. Dont know if he was in a good mood or if he is always like this. We were talking abt our engagement and he said "tbh there was a lot to compliment" and afterwards he sent me a picture of us and said he liked it. He also asked me to meet him at clg. Not bad right? Couldnt stop smiling the whole time tho.

First time we added each other on facebook: 6th Sept. I set a condition that he'd put an engaged status. I thought he wouldnt but he did. He asked me to do the same too.

First time he made a heart in our conversation: 6th Sept when he called me Ms. SuperSweet. I havent made one yet.

First time he told me he gets horny thinking about me: 8th Sept the day we met and later that night he told me how crazy i make him go. And that he dreamt that we had a little pillow fight and ended up kissing. Gosh its getting hot in here. Also he started making kiss emoji. I havent yet 🤷‍♀️

First call: 15th Sept he was very worried if he'll be able to talk properly or not. It went well. Loved how he laughed.

First sexting: 15th Sept after the call he was soo in the mood so couldnt say no. Felt hot aff. Also had an orgasm.

First time he said 'i love you' on call: 21st Sept when i called him to say goodmorning and he was so caught off guard. And happy. It was a two minute call and i didnt realize he said it untill we dropped it. He said it again later that night.

First time he tagged me in a meme: 21st Sept. It was about money heist.

First time he called from work: 25th Sept. He had to call the night before but he was too tired he fell asleep..i was a lil pissed off so subah he called me from OT, there was some strike going on so he was free..and we talked for like 10 mins. I loved his voice.

First time i heard him having hiccups: 28 Sept we were on call he had a sore throat and then he started having them i made him drink water and distracted him and it worked. We talked for almost three hours.

First time we exchanged some naughty snaps: 1st Oct we were sexting on sc for the first time and i knew i couldnt control myself so i sent him some snaps of me with low neck where he could see my curves. He sent one out of shower too.

First time he snapped me his boner: 5th Oct we got rlly wild, he had two orgasms at night and then i woke him up with a nice bj and he cummed twice again.

First date: 9th oct it was a formal date awkward in the start but turned out to be great. He got me flowers and held the door for me and pulled the chair out, not in the start though but lol it was cute. We talked abt silly things and some serious ones. About making vows to each other. We laughed like mad and took some pictures. He got me gajras in the end and helped me wear them and then he held my hand and we kept it like that till the end. He teased me a lil and gosh it gave me butterflies for a moment. He makes me feel like im perfect, flawless.

First time we held hands: 9th Oct he got me gajras on out way back..then he helped me wear them and held my hand all the way back home..he tease my hand a little and made me crazy. So crazy.

First time we tried call sex: 12th Oct..not entirely though. We just stayed on call and heard each other moan..i felt more closer to him and God it was hot.

First time i wore black with him: 16th Oct it was our second date. He loved the attire, complimented me the whole time.

First song we listened to together: 16th Oct when he was driving me back he played laiyan laiyan and we both were totally in the feels. He said he might play it on our wedding.

First time we made a streak: 16th Oct we decided it on our date

First kiss: 24th Oct we were in car and just madeout for like 10 mins..it was good. Got me wet. Wanted to make his bday special.

First love note: 24th Oct gave him a funny bday card and a note along with it. I hope he likes it.

First birthday celebration: 26th Oct one day after his bday we had a fam dinner after which we cut the cake and i gave him shirts and a perfume.

First time i sat on his lap: 29th Oct he picked me up from a friends place and we were in the backseat making out..i humped against him the whole time.

First time somebody walked in on us: 29th Oct while making out a guard approached us but kher we ran away just in time. He was so concerned id be worried.

First movie we watched together: 30th Oct joker.

First time he felt my boobs from inside my shirt: 30th Oct on our last date before he went to rwp. I felt his cock up too.

First time he gave me a letter: 30th Oct. It was the best day.

First video call: Nov 11. During his 48hr long urology call.

First tcs: 7 Dec. He got his first pay so sent gifts for me.

First time we went shopping: 26 Dec. Got a gift for Abdullah's engagement. And for mama's bday. We both are so easy. Non picky.

First time i made him cum with hj: 26 Dec. He got sooo hot afterwards. He fingered me too.

First event we attended as a couple: 28th Dec. Abdullah's engagement. Although he wasnt there for the most part but i loved how everyone related me to him.

First time he fed me food: 24th Jan 2020 on our nikkah when i wasnt eating and saying i wont unless he makes me..so he did infront of everyone.

First time he gave me a shoulder massage: 24th Jan on our night date hehe

First long drive: 27th Jan had to go to my to be ghar met ammi had a sitting with my mua had lunch then and went back

First halal kissing: felt soooo goood with no guilt. Damnnn i love to kiss him so much. So much sawab loool

First hickey: 27th Jan he got a little hard on me when he was close to his orgasm..and i totally loved it

First time he sucked my nipples: 27th jan 🙈

First grocery shopping: 27th Jan he bought me stuff for my new washroom 😁

First rain date: 27th jan it rained the whole day ❤

First night together: 1st feb after my rukhsati. It was the most magical night and his touch felt soo goood. Sleeping naked with each other and teasing was such a turn on.

First time he served me food: 24th jan on our nikkah hen we were on stage and i couldnt eat bcs of my nails and then he made me.

First time i felt protected with him: 1st feb while our valima shoot was going on and the sun was getting on my face so he stood between me and the sun to put me in shade.

First night at my parents: 2nd feb after our valima. We opened our gifts played ludo and had aloot of fun in bed. Also went to fun city in my desi newly wed clothes.

First meal post-sex: 1st feb he made me a whole plate of biryani at 4am.

First time we ordered food in bed: 4th feb. The burgers were yummm

First time he did my hair: 5th feb while i was getting ready to go downstairs. He just loves side parting.

First time i cried infront of him: 6th feb i just missed my homies so much so i turned away and pretended to sleep and he found out i was crying and became mama bear. It was so good to be in his arms i wont choose another place to be at ever. Then i read their letters while he caressed me all this while.

First time we had real sex: 7th feb just a day before umrah. He was kind of worried he wasnt getting hard enough to go inside so he got some pills and then we did. It was painful for me but i just wanted to get over with this and it was a happy feeling to know we’re finally not virgins.

First oral: 1st feb on our wedding night. Probably the last too

First orgasm: 2nd feb and the following week was full of it

First umra together: 8th feb it was the best time together. How we did tawwaf and saee and made each other recite duas, prayed together, taught him how to bargain,ate alot of yumm food.

First time he made me watch ertugrul: 12th feb

First time he got me jellies: 13th feb while we were going for madinah ziyarat.

First stay away from home: 1st march i went to rwp where he was doing his hj. Got an army mess arranged for me. Stay was great.

First monal date: 3rd march weather was awesome altho he was a little pissed off at me asking to take pictures again and again.

First fight: 3rd march later that night he wanted to have sex but i wasnt wet enough and he started blaming me and saying ive turned him off. It made me cry and confront him abt his behaviour earlier too. He kinda took it seriously and kept saying sorry the whole time and also said “this is the first and the last time i made u cry”. We stayed up till late sharing our thoughts talking abt our future.

First friends hangout: 4th feb his room mate invited us for dinner. Pizza was good everything was until they started talking abt the ex idk why i felt bad. Didnt talk the whole way back.

First bday together: 20th march he gave me a surprise by coming straight from his call for a day.

[referrina]

My Bucket List

Have One Million Dollars

Visit the Globe Theatre

Visit Madame Tussauds

Go Rock Climbing

Run in a Marathon

Get a professional makeover

Learn to play the Piano

Learn a Martial Art

Try out vegetarianism for 28 days

Learn to fold and origami crane, then make one every day and keep them in a jar. 

Go rock climbing 

Visit the Dead Sea

See the London Eye (or ride on it!)

Go on a Meditation Retreat

See cherry blossoms in Japan

Hit bull’s-eye on a dartboard

Visit a Volcano

See the Mona Lisa

Pose nude for an art class

Get a tattoo- Got my first one 2011, it was the Deathly Hallows symbol behind my ear! 

Get an exotic piercing- Got my nose pierced in may 2010 at the ink shop on independence.

Learn archery

Reach 100,000 views on DeviantART

Attend a traditional circus carnival- Went to see the final Barnam and Bailey show with Allie and her family! The tigers were my favorite part! 

Learn a foreign language

Make a mural/do graffiti (chalk counts)- That time I illegally chalked campus with Cassidy all day. Happened April 2013.

Celebrate my birthday at some other country

Graduate high school- Graduated in May 2009 from the AIS 

Visit all the continents

Have a white Christmas- It snowed one year at 11pm on Christmas day in 2011. That counts! Me and dad went out for a walk in the snow at midnight. 

Write a song/sing it and put it on the internet- I wrote The Date Song in Summer 2012 while ‘dating’ Kyle. It got 10k notes on Tumblr!

Give my hair some kind of color treatment- I got blonde highlights that I died purple in October 2011. Then I dyed my hair under my top layer blonde! I prefer my natural color now. 

Kiss in the snow - Allie and I did this in 2017! It snowed at her old apartment.  

Kiss in the rain- I kissed Kyle in the rain after school circa 2006 while we were waiting for our parents to pick us up. We kissed behind the cafeteria while it was pouring. I remember he smelled like a wet dog and I was worried about my hair the whole time.  

Lose my virginity- I lost my virginity to Jeremy April 5th (the day after Easter) in 2010. It was nice, we had lamb roast after. 

Sing in public- Done it loads of times since the talent show in high school (Feb 2009), but my most notable time was when I sung Ariana’s part in Bang Bang with my a capella club in college (Nov 2014)

See the pyramids

Go to a concert for an underground band- Went to go see HEALTH with Kyle and Jonathan in summer 2010. I also so Motion City Soundtrack’s final show in Nov 2013, and discovered Now, now at the same show. 

Learn how to juggle

Own an I Heart NY Shirt from New York- I bought a black one from my New York senior trip in high school. 

Sleep in a cheap motel- Me, Allie, and Mariana slept in a waterfront hotel for 40$ a night (thats cheap!). It was pretty nice for the price, would try again!

Watch the sun rise- Me, Cassidy, and Lynn Jia stayed out all night one Thursday and saw the sunrise from east deck. 

See some World Wonders:

Great Pyramid Of Giza, El Giza Egypt 

Great Wall of China, Huairou, China

Machu Picchu, Andes Mountains, Peru

Taj Mahal, Agra, Uttar Pradesh, India

The Colosseum, Rome Italy 

Eiffel Tower, Paris France

Leaning tower of Pisa, Italy 

Stonehenge, England

Salar De Uyuni, Bolivia

Plitvice Lakes National Park, Croatia

Bora Bora, French Polynesia

Angkor Wat, Cambodia

Venice, Italy

Lençóis Maranhenses, Brazil

Victoria Falls, Livingstone, Zambia

Santa Maria dell’Isola, Italy

Sydney Opera House, Australia 

Quinta de Regaleira, Portugal

Montreal Botanical Garden, Canada

See the  Sistine Chapel

Visit some USA Wonders: 

Glacier National Park, Montana, USA

Redwood National Park, California, USA

Yellowstone National Park, USA

The Grand Canyon, Arizona, USA

Mount Rushmore, South Dakota, USA

Statue of Liberty, New York

Seattle Space Needle, Seattle

Walk the Freedom Trail in Boston

Niagara Falls

Drive from Miami to Key West

Visit the Alamo in San Antonio

French Quarter in New Orleans

Ride the Millennium Force at Cedar Point

Visit the Iowa State Fair

Swim in a Great Lake

Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge

Visit Vegas (as an adult)

See the northern lights in Alaska

Go to the State Fair- Went to the state fair September 2013 with Ron, Allie, and Amanda Honey. I ate so much fried food, I got sick when I came home. To this day, smelling onion rings still makes me nauseous. 

Be on a reality TV show

Graduate from college- Graduated with a Bachelors of Science from UNCC Dec 13th 2014

Sleep under the stars- Went camping plenty of times, a few with my dad (May 2015 Kings Mountain, Nov 2015 Cherokee), and most notable with Allie and Jaden in April 2017 (Asheville).

Live past 50

Spend a night in an igloo

Plant a tree

Get a speeding ticket- My first speeding ticket was Oct 2010 going 55 in a 25 zone off of farm pond road. The police officer was nice and only gave me a ticket instead of arresting me. I was also high as a kite, coming from Saun and Tylers house. 

See the sun set in the desert

Go to all 50 states

Milk a cow

Go to a drive in movie

Stay awake for 24 hours

Sleep on the beach

Send a message in a bottle

Visit all Disneylands

Have a picture taken in a photo booth - Did this at work for NH! 

Find a four leaf clover- I have 2 that I found in my parents backyard. I have them preserved between two strips of clear masking tape. 

Watch all Disney Animated Films before 2000

Skinny dip

Get a masters degree

Get a book published

Run though a field of wheat

Wish on a shooting star- Wished on a shooting star on my way home one night from college in summer 2013. It streaked across the sky and I wished that I would find someone to love me. I met Allie that year. 

Get featured in a magazine/newspaper

Have my portrait painted- Allie did this October 2013 and its still THE BEST THING EVER. She drew me in a watercolor with a flower crown!

Swim with a dolphin

Be an extra in a film

Write a fan letter to someone who inspired me- I wrote a fan letter to Marina Herald, who wrong the ‘Through a Glass Darkly’ fan fiction novel which was a HUGE part of my life in 2010. She wrote me back and complimented my art and asked me to keep drawing things for her story because I was as important to the VR fandom as her. It meant alot. 

Learn to ballroom dance properly

Sit on a jury

Stay out all night dancing and go to work the next day without having gone home (just once)- Summer of 2011 I went out with Ashley and her Brazilian friends from NY. We went to no less than 5 bars and I didn’t get home until 9 am, and I had to be at work at Healthy Home Market by 10 on Sunday. I was dog tired all day, but I made it until 6 and passed out at home. It was a good day. 

Go out dancing period for that matter- I’ve gone out dancing a few times since. 

Spend a night in a haunted house

See a lunar or solar eclipse - 2017 I went with my family to the zoo in South Carolina and we saw the solar eclipse! 

Write my own will

Spend a whole day reading a great novel- Summer 2015 I spent all of a single day reading A Thousand Splendid Suns in my hammock. That same summer I spent a day reading A Great and Terrible Beauty, also in the hammock.

Animate something!- I learned how to animate GIFs in 2010!

Go up in a hot-air balloon

Create my own web site

Make a hole-in-one

Make a sex tape

Fly a kite- I flew kites with my friends at Kitty Hawke in April 2013

Ride a mechanical bull- I rode a mechanical bull while in Cherokee 2007 with my family during Christmas.

Ride a roller coaster- My first Roller Coaster was Thunder Road at Carowinds

Adopt an accent for an entire day- 2012, adopted a British accent at work with Healthy Home Market for a Sunday, and literally it was all anyone could talk about and people were SO much nicer.

Fire a gun- Shot my first gun at Megs house in Marion with Cassidy and Lynn Jia. I found it exhilarating, but not something I was good at. Spring 2013.

Climb a tall tree all the way to the top (or as far as you can go!)

Meet someone I met on the Internet in real life- Krystal Johnson, Dec 2013.

Vote- First vote cast during Obama’s second term, Nov 2012

Be on TV/radio - When I was in line to meet Hilary Clinton, NPR interviewed me and put it on thier show! I am still embarrassed!! 

Provide the police with an anonymous tip- Called about a car accident both me and Allie witnessed. The driver ran into an electrical pole during a rainstorm.

Hitchhike

Dance in the pouring rain- When Robbie died, I was alone in the house and I listened to the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack while dancing out in the pouring rain on a summer afternoon, 2008.

Receive a dozen roses- For the first time from Hayden during Valentines day 2013. 

Get drivers license- Licensed driver in NC since Summer 2008. I got my first car (a chevy Lumina) in summer fall 2009 for community college.

See the Ball drop for New Years in Times Square

Donate Blood- Donated blood fall 2013 and faint during a group fitness class the next day.

Witness a miracle

Get Contacts

See a muscial ON BROADWAY- Saw Mama Mia in New York on Broadway, spring 2009.

Make $10 dollars an hour- Myers Park Presbyterian, May 2015

Make $20 dollars an hour- Novant Health, July 2016

Make $50 dollars an hour

Ride in a horse and carriage

Have my fortune told

Own a diamond

Buy a piece of art from a street artist- Bought two prints from a street artist in New York after seeing Mama Mia on Broadway, Spring 2009.

Receive a love letter

Read a book to a child- Read a little readers book to my niece in Summer 2015 to help her with her homework. She is not very bright.

Play in the mud during a rainstorm

Have a snowball fight- Had one with Allie Amanda Honey, Ad, and Meg at their apartment when it snowed, spring 2014.

Go to Japan

Go to England

Go to Australia

Go to Greece 

Read a work of fiction more than 300 pages long- Harry Potter, naturally. But I had read many long books (HP was just the first)

Smoke a joint- Smoked my first joint with Sean and Tyler at thier house on Farmpond road. I also got pulled over for speeding that night.

Drink champagne FROM champagne- My parents brought back Champagne from France and I had a glass when they opened it (Spring 2014). It tasted more or less the same as regular champagne.

Build a sandcastle WITH a moat- Built plenty of sandcastles with my father, the most notable one was a mayan temple we made in the Dominican Republic that a kid smashed once we had left.

Go camping. In a tent.- Camped with my dad in May 2015, and Nov 2015, and then again with Allie in Spring 2016, and again with Jaden and Allie in April 2017. I love camping.

Cook a meal over an open flame- Cooked my first meal over an open flame with my dad on our May 2015 camping trip. I even made the fire. It was hot dogs and baked beans.

Smoke a cigarette- Smoked my first cigarette with Cassidy and Lynn while staying up late on campus, Fall 2012.

Be someones brides maid or maid of honor - I was my sisters maid of honor! 

Learn how to whistle with a blade of grass or an acorn top

Catch a fish- I caught my first fish with my father when I was about 11, and my second fish on my own with Meg on our second solo trip to Marion one weekend at the lake.

Drink Absinthe- Drank authentic Absinthe with India at her parents house in Asheville. It was bitter and made us sweat and text our exes.

Sign up to be an organ donor- Signed up to donate organs in Spring 2017

Go to a drag show- Saw a drag show Dec 2011 with David, Jarrell, and Renee at Scorpios.

Watch a sunset, then stay up to watch the following sunrise- Did this with Cassidy, and Lynn on campus. We smoked cigarettes at sunrise, had waffle house at midnight, and drank orange juice at sunrise on east deck.

Meet a Drag Queen- Met a famous Queen City Drag Queen with Violetta at the annual summer heart walk in 2011. Also met two Drag Queens at pride 2016.

Go on a cross-country road trip (at least 3-5 states!)

Learn to surf

Volunteer at a soup kitchen

See gay marriage legalized in all of USA- June 26th 2015 :)

See marijuana become legal in my state

Bet on the Kentucky Derby

Cosplay

Break a world record

Open a Swiss bank account

Start a food fight

Go the wrong way on an escalator - I did this ONCE in New Jersey and I fell and busted my ass. I ripped open an injury on my knee. It was chaos. 

Get buried in the sand- Got buried in wet, cold sand by Allie in Oct 2015 before our parents knew we were dating. It was so ridiculous and fun!

Sleep on a roof

Play hide and seek at night in a graveyard

Kiss someone underwater- Kissed Allie underwater at her friends pool. It was oddly difficult!

Go to a midnight movie premiere- Went to the midnight premier of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 with Liz, Pippin, and Zoe at Concord Mills. Many people dressed up, and there was a fan play before the screens came on. We made a lot of friends and the movie was amazing!

Buy something with all pennies

Be in 2 places at once- On our trip to Carowinds, me, Kat, Joey and Allie stood on the two state lines dividing North Carolina and South Carolina.

Ride on the top of a double decker bus in England

Dress up as Waldo and walk around a crowded place

Be in a musical

Have a song written about me

Ride a horse- I ridden a horse to a spa with my parents, but more recently I rode one of Megs quarter horses both times I came to visit her in Marion (once during Spring of 2013 with Cassidy, and Lynn, and another time during Summer 2013 with Kat)

Go to the spa

Have a pint in England

Go on a helicopter ride

Go to a Mardi Gras in New Orleans

See ‘the wizarding world of harry potter’ in orlando- My parents took me Dec 2013 to celebrate my making the Deans list for a year! It was wonderful, AND I got to meet my internet friend Krystal.

Go to a convention, of any sort- Went to Heroes con Summer 2011 with Raven, Pippin, and Zoe! I bought a batman shirt. 

Go to San Diego Comic Con

Learn to make candles - I do this every fall now! 

Solve the Rubik’s Cube

Go to a SuperBowl

Learn to sculpt with clay, throw pottery on the wheel- Beka taught me how to throw on the wheel during the Raku event in Fall 2015. Allie taught me how to hand build that same year. I prefer throwing.

Learn to knit

Join a roller derby team

Read every novel that has won a Pulitzer Prize in the Fiction Category

Read every novel in TIME’s most influential novels of the 21st century category

Have a threesome

Make a web comic - I made a web comic in 2017! I got 4 issues in before I realized this was NOT for me. Maybe I’ll try again! 

Audition for American idol- Auditioned summer 2012. Did not get in, but had a blast!

Have a tea party with a child- Had a tea party with my nieces in Summer 2016 with my old tea set and yoohoo. 

Try yoga (in a class)

See the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

Try churros- Had Churros from the State Fair in 2013. I have loved them ever since.

Own a real fur coat

Have sex in public- Allie, Caleb, Jason :)

Eat a girl out- Allie :)

Try anal- Caleb :)

Play slots (gamble)

Adopt a kitten - I adopted Anders the same year we put Jinxie down. Hes my baby boy :)

See my name in the credits of something

Go on a blind date- I went on a date with Dale. We saw a movie and got Mexican food. It was awkward, and he kissed me like he was starving for attention back at his car.

Skip school- Me and Courtney skipped school during a fire drill (we escaped from the track where we were all being held). Another time with Renee where we went to the Bistro and said school let out early for exams (it had not.)

Witness someone die

Swim in the Atlantic Ocean- Myrtle Beach with Allie and Mariana, Spring 2013.

Swim in the Pacific Ocean - Did this when I saw Jaden! It was SO COLD!!

Make prank phone calls- Once with Violetta, Audrey, and David, we made prank calls until sunrise.

Laugh until some kind of beverage comes out of your nose- Did this once while eating at crown. It was orange juice.

Catch a snowflake on my tongue- Caught a snowflake on my tongue during the snow of Feb 2013 with my friends. We went outside at night while snowing so meg could get some snow for snow cream.

Write a letter to Santa Claus - I used to do this all the time as a kid. I never realized they probably didnt go anywhere. 

Kiss under the mistletoe - Allie and I do this every year now. Its her favorite thing! 

Blow bubbles in summer- I’ve done this many summers since the first time making this list in 2004.

Go to Disneyworld- On my freshman trip during high school, I got my first kiss from Kyle at Disneyland, during the fireworks event at the castle. Our friends had been tricking us into hanging out together all day, and mysteriously disapeared once the fireworks started. When Kyle kissed me, our friends reappeared an started clapping. A few teachers said it was about time. It was a good trip.

Ride on an elephant

Go water-skiing

See the Northern Lights

Swim in the Mediterranean- Swam on a rocky beach in 2009 while visiting Croatia. Dad tried to eat a raw sea urchin. It was a good vacation.

Have a one night stand with a stranger- Jason, Andy :)

Have one of my videos go viral

Own a Niner Nation shirt- AD gave me her stash of Niner Nation shirts and I think I wore them a grand total of once. My mom also bought me one when I graduated.

Eat at Bistro 49 at UNCC- The Dean of Students is a personal friend and took me here during my first semester in Spring 2012. I had a spinach salad because I wanted to be fancy and could barely choke it down.

Have a bake sale outside the Union- Had a Bakesale for PotterWatch in Spring 2013 with Mariana, Cait, and ANel.

See a concert on campus- Saw Motion City Soundtrack play in the Student Union during my first fall semester with ANel

Go see KEANE live

Go see Tswift Live- Went to my first Tswfit concert March 2013 with Meg and Kat after I had JUST broken up with Hayden. I had a GREAT time, and it was really uplifting.

Go to Amelie’s in the middle of the night.-Me and Cassidy went at 3am and talked to these two guys (both named Keith) til sunrise. It was so weird, but it was good conversation and I’m still friends with Kieth #2.

With friends, create photo evidence suggesting that you went on an adventure that didn’t really happen.

Build forts out of furniture and blankets, and wage war with paper airplanes.

Write a book.

Have that book published.

Play hide and seek in the park.

Drive somewhere unknown and have dinner in a city you’ve never been to. With fake names.

Get both a red card and a yellow card in quidditch- My first Yellow card was in our first game every at Blacksburg Brawl. I pulled a girls hair. My first Red card was at the Greensboro Gauntlet when I knocked a girl unconscious (I had to sit out for one game)

Play a movie you’ve never seen before. Set on mute and improvise dialogue.

Go to the airport, get the cheapest, soonest departing flight to anywhere when you show up, and stay there for a weekend.

In the Middle of the night, drive to the beach, so you arrive just as the sun is rising. Have a breakfast picnic, then fall asleep together. Bring a sun umbrella.

With camera and pair of boots, make photolog of a day in the life of the invisible man.

Write an autobiography

Make pressed flowers

Purchase a house- I bought my first house on September 16th 2016 at 3015 Summercroft Lane for 78k.

Own more than one housing property

Throw Tomatoes at La Tomatina

Visit Area 51

Solve a 100+ piece puzzle

Eat a meal in a really famous / expensive restaurant

Help a complete stranger in trouble

Get a Deep-Tissue Massage

Get a Volcanic Clay mud mask 

Find my way through a hedge or corn maze

Ride in a gondola

Get Married

Go on a Cruise - Did this in 2018! 

Fly first class

Help someone cross something off THEIR bucketlist

Learn the Thriller dance routine

See Wicked- Saw it with my Mom in March 2013 and it was JUST AS AMAZING AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

See the Phantom of the Opera- I saw it with Renee in 2010 and it was actually REALLY good!

Go to a real Ballet. Dress up.- Allie has taken me to 2 ballets, Peter Pan (March 2016) and Sleeping Beauty (2017)

Do the 365 day project (Take picture everyday)

Make a music video

Be able to do a split

Throw a surprise party for someone Did this for Allie in 2021! it was only a few people but she really was surprised. 

Have a surprise birthday party thrown for you- Amanda Honey, and Allie got me to go outside in the snow while Meg stayed upstairs and baked me a cake! Then we all ate tacos and watched Game of Thrones. It was a REALLY good birthday, because of the snow and the surprise! 

Sing at a Karaoke Bar- Sang ‘You Oughta Know’ at Jeffs Bucket Shop and dedicated it to every girl who has ever been cheated on by a guy. I got everyone cheering and singing along and Allie said it was the best performance of the night.

Audition for a game show

Attend a Murder Mystery Dinner

Ride a Cable Car in San Francisco - Did this during san fran pride when we all visited Jaden. 

Visit Hershey’s Chocolate World

Take a Cooking Class

Visit Toys ‘R’ Us Times Square- Visited during my Senior field trip Spring 2009

Go to homecoming- The only UNCC football game I ever went to was Homecoming. I tailgated with my friends in Fall 2013.

Take a picture with UNCC mascot- Took one with Allie during Fall Fest 2014

Visit the botanical gardens on campus and Bonnie Cones Grave- I did this with Allie and Lucas Nov 2014 right before a graduated for good luck

Join an acapella group- Joined the Finer Niners in Sept 2013 after a girl interrupted quidditch practice to leave to go audition. I went with her with a few friends from the team and I was the only one who made it in.