#but was told unless I physically could not give birth because of something like cancer like my nana

[gxlden-angels]

Not to ride Bezos's dick, but Shiny Happy People is free on prime video rn with ads and it's got all the hits including commentary from Fundie Friday, an interview of Paul and Morgan that's currently making Paul meltdown, and a summary of the "Joshua" generation

It is about the Duggars, so please be careful when viewing due to the nature of the documentary. There will be discussions of things like child sexual abuse material, child abuse, cults, and fundamentalism

[blacksunscorpio]

Aphrodite No. 1388

Have you ever found yourself inexplicably fascinated with Hollywood sex symbols, fashion, arts, or general glamor? You've probably chalked it up to your Venus placement or stellium in the 2nd or 7th [The houses Venus rules] but what if I told you that might not be the only reason?

Yes, Asteroid Aphrodite No. 1388 is the placement you may want to peep. Especially if she's making prominent placements or aspects to your inner planets. Note: Pay attention to conjunctions/squares/oppositions the most and orbs within 0-3 degrees. Trines and sextiles are of note but only if they are respecting inner planets, the ascendant, and at the aforementioned degrees.

So let's get into it:

Aphrodite in Mythology

was the goddess of sex, love, beauty, passion, fertility, prosperity, and procreation. She was also patron goddess of prostitutes and believed no one should leave this world a virgin. She was wife of the god Hephaestus, god of blacksmiths and fire but also the most notable lover of Ares [her 'Soul mate'. So what does she represent in the birth chart?

All of the above.

Asteroid Aphrodite in her elevated expression is all about love, beauty, talent, and sex appeal. She is compassionate and generous. Independent, strong in her femininity, and charming. This asteroid has the ability to see beauty in everything and has an innate knack for creativity and artistic talents. A developed and healthy expression of sexuality and passion [not the toxic kind but the kind true love stories are made of]. She's all positive pleasure and sensuality. Body positivity and healthy expressions of sex.

In her base or lower expression, she's a bit like a toxic Lilith. She'll manifest as using attractiveness for underhanded means. Infidelity, repression of the sexual drive, callousness in love or arrogance based on vanity, vanity in general, sexual manipulation, fickleness, fixation of impossible standards of beauty, or superficiality regarding aesthetics. [Basically everything wrong with fashion and beauty today.] She can also manifest in the 6th house and/or ill-aspected as those who suffer from body dysmorphia or those who suffer from eating disorders due to these impossible beauty standards. Physical perfection becomes an obsession.

Now, if you have this particular asteroid prominently based in your chart, you may find that you value beauty, pleasure, and romance. There might be a taste for refined aesthetics and/or one can just be naturally gifted with creativity and art. Career-wise, one could find themselves drawn to jobs that revolve around fashion, interior design, modeling, make-up, photography, cooking, etc. If she's touching Mars or in the 8th, one could find themselves making sex work a part of their career as well.

Aphrodite in the signs

Aries: Two words: Sexuality promiscuous. Like the sign of Aries, the fire burns hot then goes out. Freedom and independence are paramount and they value those who see things similarly. Getting too emotionally invested in others is not appearing to them in any way, here for a good time, not a long time. Sporty aesthetic. Athleisure. Sex will likely be hard and fast.

Taurus: Love of the material. Base-level treasure seekers. However, they are typically quite attractive and even look pleasant when they don't put much effort in. Follow trends and keep up with the day-to-day fashion world. Most likely an Instagram fashion influencer. Love of glitz and glam. Shinier the better. Diamonds are their best friend.

Gemini: Serial fuckers. Literally, this aphrodite placement will have a full black book of names. A thousand notches on the belt. A million notches on the bedpost... well, you get the idea. Very charismatic and uses their intelligence to seduce. Sapiosexuals. Stimulate their mind and you might keep their attention... for an hour as opposed to 15 minutes like the rest. Will know everyone and everything about everyone. Life of the party and will charm with their wit.

Cancer: The emotional lover. Don't let this food you though, hurt them and they'll pull out their pincers. This Aphrodite placement loves to be nurtured and taken care of and will often do the same. Mood affects appearance. Charms using one of two things: their hard to get energy [Crabshell] or their love of family and togetherness [4th house]. No in-between, really.

Leo: Worship me vibes. Lovers of attention. This placement is very prideful. They don't like to share [their lovers] at all. Typically though, because of their love of the spotlight, their fashion sense is impeccable. They are hard to miss and will usually light up a room. Ignore them and you'll wound them.

Virgo: Immediate/outwardly "perfect" appearance. Because of this sign's attention to detail, they are often very pristine in their approach. Clean sex- the type in the shower or when one is freshly groomed around the genital area. Will use their "perfection" to pull the cream of the crop in the dating pool their way. This placement can go far in the fashion world and may even become designers. Often do well as dancers or some sort of aesthetic career that involves "precision".

Libra: Serial Flirt. With Aphrodite here, it's like getting a double shot of Venusian energy. Pleasant, charming... naturally beauties not unlike Taurean Aphrodite's. Don't mind casual sex or casual flings but prefer relationships. Very focused on aesthetics and, like Virgo Aphrodites could go far in their fashion world or make-up pursuits. Can be very superficial.

Scorpio: Alluring vibe. They WILL fuck a lot. It's in their nature. Will be loyal if they are in a committed partnership though. Can give off scary vibes or RBF but they feel things deeply. Their aesthetic is dark colors, black as elegance, an intimidating style that appears edgy. Artistically may enjoy all things Tim Burton.

Sagittarius: Vagabond vibes. Eternal traveler. Eternal nomad. Epitome of promiscuity here. However, quite laid back. Their aesthetic probably has something to do with maps or cartography. Bohemian energy with pictures or fabrics from the far east or even Africa. Most likely has a buddha head somewhere in their home. Speak to them in an accent or different language to turn them on.

Capricorn: Independent vibes. These aphrodite placements are not keen on sharing their lives too much with others. Very business-like. Sexually though, they are insatiable. Machines. They like things to but black tie or button up. This does not mean they aren't laid back, they just like things to be all work with very little play until said work is done. Name brands and expensive suits/dresses? They're all about that. It's a status symbol thing. What Caps are famous for.

Aquarius: Avant-garde vibes. This placement will cut their hand off before they lose their freedom. More vagabond-esque than Sag tbh. Will love a style that shocks you or is out of the ordinary. Not traditional in any sense. Their sex will be kinky or they'll prefer it to have some sort of spice. Missionary? Nope. Expect a toy or ten. Pansexuals. Free love. Don't try to get them to commit unless they're ready.

Pisces: Subtle vibes. Subtle style. Dreamy style. Sexually they need to be emotionally connected. May find themselves falling in love often with the idea of someone than the reality of them. Lovers of the grunge and druggy era. 90's vibes are their aesthetic with a touch of the ethereal. Messy art studios, messy hair, even messier love lives. Might attract co-dependent types. Day-dreamy.

[lindberghtm]

          *  .  desirée lindbergh was spotted in the fashion district adorning prada platform chelsea boots , with some airpod pros on . they’re most likely listening to you know i'm no good by amy winehouse . you may know them as @desi or as that aisha potter  lookalike . their twenty first birthday just passed . while living in the upper east side  , they’ve gained a bit of a reputation . they’re known to be duplicitous but on the other hand reliable . wonder if they’ll be the next person to hit the headlines . ( cis female / she/her + c / 21+ / she/her )   .  

         hey  !!!!!!  i  was  planning  on  coming  thru  with  a  cool  intro  to  establish  myself  as  a ~ cool ~  person , but  covid  has  absolutely  ✨ decimated  ✨  my  social  skills  so  ,,,,,,,  this  is  what  im  left  with  .  anywho  hi  i’m  c  (  short  for  clown  tbfh  )  ,  im  21+  ,  from  the  rainy  ole’  pnw  ,  &  i  use  she / her  pronouns  .  i  was  in  wealthy  like  , , , ,  AGES  ago  &  tbh  i’ve  been  missing  it  real  bad  lately  so  here  i  am  with  a  brand  new  bitch  , , , , ,  ms  .  desi  lindbergh  🖤  i  just  finished  reading  the  girl  with  the  dragon  tattoo  so  you’ll  find  elements  from  that  novel  in  my  biography  like  the  names  ,  & the  general  ‘ company  comes  first ‘  &  ‘  no  one  gets  a  divorce  in  this  family ’  attitudes  .  but  hennyway  here’s  a  pinterest  board  ,  &  my  discord  is  𝐌 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐁#1264  (  the  best  tiktok  song  imo  )  .  my  bio  is  rambly  but  there  are  stats  at  the  top  ,  personality  &  wanted  connections  (  inc  .  this  sideblog  w  wanted  plots  )  at  the  bottom  !  xoxo

*  .  stats  .

full  name : desirée  ‘ desi ’  charlotte  lindbergh - montenegro

age : twenty - two

gender : cis  female

pronouns : she / her  

pob ; current  home : london  ,  england  ;  current  residence  in  tribeca  .

family : henrik  lindbergh  (  80  ,  deceased  ,  ceo  of  lindbergh  corporation  )  ;  miriam  montenegro  (  46  ,  lives  in  the  upper  east  side & london  ,  supermodel  turned  vindictive  widow  )  ;  no  siblings  or  pets  .

birthday : september  2  ,  1998  ;  virgo  sun  ,  taurus  moon  ,  cancer  rising .

career : heiress / model / daddy’s credit card swiper  .

drinking / drugs / smoking :  yes / no / occasionally .  

physical : aisha  potter  fc ,  dark  brown  mid - length  hair  ,  dark  brown  eyes  ,  no  tattoos  ,  two  ear  lobe  piercings  in  each  ear  ,  5 ′ 6 ″ .

*  .  character biography .

1998  : miriam  montenegro  ,  an  english  model  coming  from  a  humble  background  ,  made  it  big  when  she  was  scouted  for  runway  shows  ,  eventually  making  her  way  to  being  a  household  name  .  by  the  age  of  twenty  five  ,  she’d  found  love  (  or  ,  financial  comfort  ,  rather  )  with  the  fifty  nine  year  old  henrik  lindbergh  ,  a  swedish  business  magnate  whose  involvement  in  global  industrialization  spanned  far  wider  than  the  european  economy  .  the  relationship  took  the  world  by  surprise  ,  miriam’s  friends  being  far  more  involved  in  pop  culture  than  an  aged  man  .  while  she  claims  it  was  love  ,  the  world  had  already  made  up  its  mind  on  her  motive  —  money  .

the  pair  got  married  six  months  after  they  initially  became  involved  , & desi  was  born  a  year  after  .  her  father  ,  the  product  of  the  ‘  silent  generation  ‘  ,  was  of  the  impression  that  children  should  be  seen  ,  not  heard  ,  an  outdated  idea  that  her  mother  was  comfortable  abiding  by  .  desirée  ,  by  association  ,  quickly  became  accustomed  to  the  spotlight  ,  the  interest  in  the  uncommon  relationship  between  miriam & henrik  only  growing  after  the  birth  of  their  sole  child  .  desi  grew  up  a  prop  ,  a  toy  for  her  mother  to  dress  up  in  matching  outfits & parade  on  the  global  stage  ,  before  stepping  behind  closed  doors  &  forgetting  about  the  child  entirely  .  this  led  to  desi  being  raised  almost  exclusively  by  nannies  ,  her  mother  more  interested  in  savouring  the  last  of  her  youth & her  father  too  busy  with  his  international  duties  .    originally  based  in  london  ,  the  family  moved  to  new  york  when  desirée  was  starting  her  schooling  to  be  closer  to  the  hustle & bustle  of  american  life  .

2017  : desirée  is  graduating  high  school  a  year  early  after  having  been  sent  to  institut  auf  dem  rosenberg  ,  a  swiss  private  school  that  prides  itself  on  being  highly  exclusive∫ˆ  highly  expensive  .  the  name  was  a  selling  point  for  her  father  ,  but  more  importantly  she  would  be  safe & out  of  the  way  on  another  continent  while  her  parents  bickered  ceaselessly  .  desirée  found  herself  to  be  nothing  special  at  rosenberg  ,  her  identity  having  been  formed  on  the  idea  that  public  exposure  equated  to  popularity  ;  without  the  constant  public  eye  while  at  school  ,  desi  found  a  freedom & lightness  she  hadn’t  before  experienced  .  she  could  be  real  , & have  real  friends  , & not  be  putting  on  a  fake  smile  to  allude  an  air  of  comfort  .  most  of  all  ,  she  could  get  away  from  her  spiteful  mother  ,  who  ,  once  desi  hit  puberty  ,  saw  her  as  a  threat  to  her  own  beauty  ,  success  , & public  popularity  .  being  sent  to  private  school  was  the  best  thing  to  happen  to  desi & her  mother’s  relationship  .

after  graduating  ,  desirée  moved  back  to  new  york  city  ,  moving  back  into  the  expansive  upper  east  side  apartment  , & being  sure  to  move  into  a  room  on  the opposite side  of  the  home  from  her  parents  .  being  thrust  back  into  the  spotlight  ,  a  ‘  homecoming  ‘  of  sorts  that  her  mother  capitalized  on  ,  desi  fell  into  a  depression  .  she  feared  leaving  the  house  ,  she  feared  that  people  would  only  want  to  be  her  friend  in  order  to  access  the  family’s  wealth  (  a  seed  of  an  idea  planted  in  her  father  at  the  age  of  twelve  ,  when  she  was  told  there  was  to  be  no  dating  unless  their  family’s  net  worth  was  over  500  million  )  .  soon  enough  ,  though  ,  desi  made  the  choice  to  get  in  contact  with  her  mother’s  rival  modeling  agency  ,  inquiring  about  the  possibility  about  modeling  .  they  ,  of  course  ,  welcomed  the  legacy  with  open  arms  ;  her  mother  ,  however  ,  decided  that  this  deceipt  would  not  be  tolerated  under  her  roof  , & kicked  desi  out  as  soon  as  she’d  heard  .  desi  called  her  father  crying  ,  explaining  the  situation  over  the  phone  ,  who  immediately  created  a  separate  bank  account  of  her  own  for  desi  ,  secretly  hidden  away  in  an  overseas  bank  to  avoid  her  mother  finding  out  .  the  account  held  far  more  than  desirée  needed  ,  but  it  was  her  father  who  enabled  her  to  get  back  on  her  feet  ,  find  her  own  home  , & start  a  career  for  herself  .  

2020 : desirée  hardly  speaks  to  her  mother  ,  though  they  keep  up  the  public  illusion  that  they  are  as  close  as  a  mother  -  daughter  duo  can  be  .  her  father  though  ,  now  80  years  old  ,  was  actually  close  with  desi  ,  the  two  catching  up  daily & him  celebrating  her  accomplishments  she  believed  were  self  -  earned  .  in  october  ,  though  ,  she  received  a  phone  call  from  her  father’s  attorney  ,  mr.  berger  ,  who  informed  her  that  henrik  was  in  the  hospital  in  critical  condition  after  a  heart  attack  .  she  flew  to  stockholm  ,  where  her  father  had  been  taking  care  of  business  items  , & realized  that  it  was  time  to  say  her  goodbyes  .  her  father & her  played  chess  ,  talked  about  her  childhood  , & reconciled  on  any  old  issues  .  he  passed  away  three  days  after  she’d  arrived  .  seeming  as  if  he’d  been  able  to  tell  something  horrible  was  coming  ,  henrik  had  updated  his  will  a  matter  of  weeks  before  the  heart  attack  ,  naming  desiree  as  the  sole  inheritor  of  all  his  assets & belongings  .  except  ,  of  course  ,  her  mother  ,  who  inherited  a  whopping  five  dollars  from  her  husband  .  this  was  ,  mr  .  berger  explained  to  desi  ,  so  that  miriam  could  not  claim  that  she  had  accidentally  been  left  out  , & was  entitled  to  more  of  his  estate  .  

if  this  wasn’t  enough  ,  the  press  soon  released  that  interntional  business  mogul  henrik  lindbergh  had  passed  away  , & the  companies  he  owned  were  now  owned  by  a  twenty  one  year  old  model  who  had  never  truly  worked  one  day  in  her  life  .  to  make  matters  worse  ,  her  mother  quickly  played  the  victim  ,  launching  a  multitude  of  lawsuits  against  her  own  daughter  for  defamation & coercing  her  father  to  leave  her  mother  out  of  it  .  berger  quickly  chose  desirée’s  side  ,  though  he  couldn’t  become  her  personal  attorney  out  of  conflict  of  interest  with  the  executing  of  the  will  .  as  the  accounts  lie  in  limbo  during  the  legal  battle  ,  desi  is  relying  solely  on  the  secret  account  her  father  made  her  in  switzerland  ;  if  her  mother  knew  ,  she  would  try  to  go  after  it  ,  as  well  .  

2021 :  desirée  has  layed  low  over  the  last  few  months  ,  her  mother  continuing  her  public  display  of  heartache  as  the  widow  .  desi  can  be  said  to  be  two  -  faced  due  to  her  sweet  disposition  one  day & her  cold  attitude  the  next  .  in  reality  ,  she  is  normally  kind & thoughtful  ,  giving  the  benefit  of  the  doubt  to  those  two  wrong  her  ,  but  lately  she  has  become  more  withdrawn  ,  secretive  , & volatile  .  she  was  recently  photographed  in  a  restaurant  ,  crying  on  the  phone  with  her  head  in  her  hand  ,  something  she  would  never  normally  allow  to  happen  .  overall  ,  though  ,  she  doesn't  want  to  speak  publicly  about  the  legal  battle  because  she  considers  it  a  delicate  matter  &  wants  to  take  the  high  road  .  because  of  this  ,  she  puts  on  a  face  that  she's  happy  ,  has  done  her  mourning  ,  &  intentionally  does  things  to  make  it  seem  like  life  is  normal  ,  like  making  appearances  at  events  about  new  york  city  &  being  spotted  hanging  out  with  friends  .  only  a  very  small  handful  in  her  inner  circle  notice  the  immense  stress  she's  under  because  she's  good  at  managing  it  ,  &  doesn't  want  to  be  pitied  .

*  .  personality  .

personality  wise  ,  she  is  quite  bubbly  ,  thoughtful  ,  dependable  ,  observant  ,  calm  , &  chooses  her  words  carefully  .  on  the  other  hand  ,  she  can  be  very  hot  &  cold  ,  self - isolating  ,  two  -  faced  , & tells  blatant  lies  when  she  ought  not  to  ,  &  denies  vehemently  when  others  call  her  on  her  bs  .  she’s  the  type  to  remember  someone  saying  they  like  something  ,  in  passing  ,  then  suddenly  she  shows  up  with  that  exact  thing  when  she  sees  them  next  .  her  love  language  is  definitely  gifts  &  acts  of  service  .  considers  herself  a  good  advice  giver  but  won’t  take  any  advice  others  give  her  .  kind  of  an  air  head  ,  in  that  she  can  get  so  wrapped  up  in  her  own  world  that  she  forgets  that  others  aren’t  just  npc’s  in  her  life  sfjklsd  .  can  get  overwhelmed  easily  ,  &  retracts  back  into  herself  &  isolates  in  her  apartment  for  days  on  end  ,  pampering  herself  with  huge  shopping  sprees  ,  overpriced  face  masks  ,  &  too  much  champagne  .  her  way  to  deal  with  problems  is  to  pretend  they’re  not  there  until  eventually  they  go  away  🤡

the  world  knows  the  bulk  of  the  lindbergh  -  montenegro  affair  ,  as  its  known  in  the  media  ,  thanks  to  her  mother  taking  interviews  left  & right  to  allude  to  her  being  snubbed  by  her  own  daughter  .  desi  pretends  that  it  does  not  bother  her  ,  that  justice  will  be  served  & that  legality  will  prevail  over  her  mother’s  cries  ,  but  the  weight  of  the  affair  is  taking  a  toll  on  her  .  

*  .  wanted  plots  .  

click  here  for  sideblog  with  wanted  plots  !

best  friend / ride  or  die  :  someone  desi’s  been  friends  with  for  YEARS  ,  knows  all  her  family’s  bs  ,  prob  has  called  her  mother  a  b*tch  to  her  face  dflkjsdkl  .  literally  the  nicole  to  her  paris  ,  the  lorelai  to  her  rory  .  

squad  :  a  group  of  friends  who  go  clubbing  every  saturday  &  get  brunch  &  gossip  the  next  morning  ,  have  shady  nicknames  in  their  gc  ,  have  designated ‘ roles ’  in  the  friend  group  (  mom  friend  ,  the  cr*ckhead  ,  the  wingperson  ,  etc  .  ) ,  go  on  trips  together  ,  have  the  wildest  birthday  parties  ,  etc  .  please  !!  

first  love  :  this  would’ve  been  in  their  teens  ,  a  summer  fling  that  she  fell  hard  for  &  who  her  father  didn’t  approve  of  bc  he’s  business - minded  first  .  they  tried  to  do  long  distance  when  she  went  back  to  school  in  the  fall  ,  but  it  didn’t  work  out  &  now  they’re  either  on  good  terms  &  have  sweet  memories  of  that  time  ,  or  one  is  still  kinda  salty  how  things  ended  .

bad  influence  :  encourages  desi  to  get  the  stick  out  of  her  *ss  ,  &  when  she  hangs  out  with  them  ,  they  tend  to  go  overboard  on  whatever  the  entertainment  of  the  night  may  be  . 

friends  to  lovers / slow - burn  romance  :  they’re  friends  first  ,  but  there’s  been  undeniable  romantic  tension  between  the  two  of  them  (  imagine  pope  towards  kiara  in  obx  )  ,  &  their  friends  can pick  up  on  it  .  they’ve  never  acted  on  it  , worried  of  ruining  the  friendship  ,  but  they’re  always  a  lil  disappointed  when  the  other  goes  home  with  or  gets  involved  with  someone  else  ,  but  are  ultimately  there  to  pick  up  the  pieces  afterwards  .

enemies  /  mutual  dislike  :  maybe  someone  whose  family  her  father  screwed  in  business  ,  their  parents  could  have  been  friends  before  desi’s  mom  turned  on  them  somehow  ,  they  think  desi  thinks  she’s  queen  of  the  world  ,  etc . let’s  plan  it  out  hehe

cheating  :  oop  !  i  love  the  angst  ,�� so  gimme  someone  who  either  a  )  cheated  on  desi  ,  or  b  )  they  think  she  cheated  on  them  due  to  some  tabloid  article  ,  rumor  around  town  she  was  seen  with  someone  ,  etc .  their  relationship  was  prob  rocky  as  fuck  ,  toxic  ,  &  lacked  trust  &  communication  .  just  a  total  shit  show  tbh  .

that’s  all  i  can  think  of  now  dskljfkl  please  feel  free  to  reach  out  over  tumblr  msgs  or  on  discord  !  

[jenwhitner]

( ADELINE RUDOLPH. SHE/HER. CIS WOMAN ) Did I just see ( JENNIFER WHITNER )? This ( TWENTY SEVEN ) year old ( VETERINARIAN ) has been living in Chicago for ( EIGHTEEN YEARS ). Some say that they are ( TENACIOUS & COMPASSIONATE ) as well as ( VOLATILE & INSECURE ). If they had a theme song, some might say that it would be ( ALL THE TIME by MOOSE BLOOD ). All I know is that I can’t wait to see what they bring to the Windy City.

hellooooo, it’s lauren, back with my second character. this is jennifer! she’s one of rowan’s older adopted siblings, and she’s one of those people that acts super tough and a little distant at first, but she’s a sweetheart really, i promise. @hocstarters​

‏‏‎ ‎

INFO:

full name: Jennifer Ahn Whitner

birth name: Ahn Ji-hyun

nickname(s): Jenny, Jen

birthplace: Daegu, South Korea

birthday: 25th June 1993

age: 27

zodiac sign: Cancer

gender & pronouns: cis woman, she/her

sexuality: Heterosexual

physical: 5′6, brown hair, brown eyes

occupation: Veterinarian

‏‏‎ ‎

PAST:

( tw: death; car accident; child neglect; bullying; mental illness )

1993, Daegu, South Korea. Ahn Ji-hyun was born to a newly-married couple, who cared for her well and loved her dearly. Her early childhood was great, and she had plenty of friends. She showed a love for animals and nature early on, and developed a habit of picking up and bringing home any injured animals she found, wanting to help them. She also loved literature and art, spending hours covered in paint or listening to her mother tell her stories.

But, tragedy struck when Ji-hyun was 5 years old, and the family were involved in a car accident when returning to their home after a meal out. All the members of the family were rushed into hospital. Unfortunately both of Ji-hyun's parents eventually succumbed to their injuries, but, Ji-hyun managed to pull through. She spent a few weeks in the hospital recovering from her minor injuries. Somehow she had managed to walk away with only cuts and bruises, a concussion and a few broken bones. The couple had no other family that were able to take care of the now orphaned young girl, and she was taken to a foster home. The memories of the accident haunted her, and she had night terrors regularly, waking up in a cold sweat and gasping for air. It caused her to withdraw, and she became quiet and reserved. She was placed into therapy to try and help her deal with the loss of her parents, and eventually she began to show signs of improvement. Art was one of the things that helped her to express her grief and loneliness, and she continued to improve her painting skills over the years as she used it as her main emotional outlet.

When Ji-hyun turned 7, she was adopted by an American couple. Knowing absolutely no English, Ji-hyun was terrified of leaving Daegu and her friends behind to go to a completely new country. She begged the adults in the foster home to not make her go, but they promised that she would be safe and have a happy life, and would have more opportunities in America then she would have in her home country. So, reluctantly, she moved to Rockford, Illinois with her new family. Her name was legally changed to Katie, but she continued to refer to herself by her Korean name.

But, things didn't turn out the way that Ji-hyun had been told they would. She was enrolled in school, but the language barrier proved to be too much. Despite having special tutoring in English, Ji-hyun couldn't seem to learn fast enough for her new parents liking, and they were disappointed in her. Thus began the neglect. Because they couldn't communicate properly, her parents began to ignore Ji-hyun out of frustration, adopting another child and spending all their time and affection on their new son. Her teachers soon began to notice that Ji hyun was turning up to school dirty and hungry, and called social services who then got involved. By the time she turned 8 years old, Ji-hyun was back in foster care, this time in Chicago.

The experience left his distrustful of other people, and she kept herself very guarded, not speaking to anybody about personal matters and never showing signs of any emotion unless she was safely locked away in a room by herself. Her faith in humanity was gone, and left her bitter and cold towards the world even at such a young age.

A year passed, and Ji-hyun settled back into the routine of a foster home, until one day a new couple came along. A few weeks after meeting them, the news came that the Whitner's were going to adopt Ji-hyun. Yet again, she was scared and dubious. In her head, before even going to the family, she was expecting it not to last long, so she was stand-offish with the couple and with their other adopted children, not wanting to form any connections out of fear that they would end up being severed in a short time. 

It wasn’t until a few months into this new chapter that Ji-hyun finally realised that she was now in a safe and loving home, with people that cared about her and wanted her to have a good and happy life. The realisation came from such a small gesture on the Whitner’s part, but a huge one for her. They asked her what she wanted to be called. So, not wanting to completely lose touch with her birth name that had become her only sense of identity over the years, and the only connection she had to her biological parents, she chose the name Jennifer. Her parents agreed to her keeping her surname, using it instead as a middle name. Thus, Jennifer Ahn Whitner became her legal name. 

Despite knowing that she was finally in a safe space, that didn't change the struggles that Jennifer dealt with during school. The Whitner's did their best to help her learn English, but the kids at school picked on her because she was different and because she couldn't communicate with them properly. 

Nevertheless, Jennifer was very intelligent and excelled in all other areas of her education, and eventually she became good enough at English that she could hold a full conversation, thanks to her parent's consistent tutoring and support, and the help of her adopted siblings. Once she got to high school, language was no longer an issue, but her accent was still prevalent. Kids were cruel, and the bullying continued. This drove her to develop depression and anxiety, and she became withdrawn and quiet. Throughout her dark times, she carried on painting, finding solace in art.  Yet again, she began therapy and threw herself into her studies, deciding that she wanted to become a veterinarian. She went off to college, and here she flourished. As she grew older, she became more confident in herself and her abilities, and finally started to develop a bit of a social life again. But, she still kept herself guarded, a defence mechanism that she just couldn't bring herself to let go of. It was hard for her to make friends because of it, but those who persevered and finally broke through her tough exterior are still close friends of hers to this day.

‏‏‎ ‎

PRESENT:

Recently graduated from veterinary college, Jennifer lives in her own apartment and works at a local animal clinic. She still keeps in contact with her foster parents, visiting them regularly and also maintaining strong relationships with her foster siblings.

She has continued on with her art, but only ever as a hobby. Her friends continue to push her to try and pursue it as a full-time career but she loves her job working with animals, and doesn't want to give that up. Despite that, she does commissioned work for people on the side, but because her job is so demanding already it's a rather rare occurrence.

‏‏‎ ‎

PERSONALITY:

At first, Jennifer can come across as rude and uninterested, but this is just her way of avoiding letting people get too close. It will take time to break down that tough, uncaring exterior she puts on, but once it's done, her true personality will come through. She can be volatile and insecure at times. She struggles to trust people and let them in, and rarely talks about her biological parents or her first foster family. The memories still haunt her from time to time, but she does her best to focus on the positives. 

She returns to Daegu to visit her family as often as she can, and still speaks in her native tongue often, finally being proud of her Korean heritage and wanting to celebrate it rather than hide it to save herself from other people's judgement. 

Her temper can change quickly when she feels vulnerable or threatened, and can be quite harsh when she's in a bad mood. She bears grudges for a long time, and if anybody upsets her she won't ever forget about it. She may forgive, but the relationship will never be the same again. At times she is also overly-sensitive, and small comments made can stick with her for a long time and cause quite a big impact on her, and leave her questioning her worth and abilities.

But, Jennifer is very compassionate. As seen from an early age, she has a very nurturing personality, and will look after anyone and anything that needs help. This quality is what makes her so good at her job - her caring nature and love for animals combined makes her a brilliant veterinarian. 

With strangers, she can struggle to initiate conversations and it takes time to gain her trust, but once it’s done and she lets people see the real her, they will have a loyal friend and someone to lean on and be loved dearly by.

She is also incredibly tenacious, and once she puts her mind to something she will see it through no matter how difficult it may be at times. 

Reassurance and small gestures of affection are her love language, both for herself and for others, so she will go out of her way to remind the people in her life how loved and important they really are.

‏‏‎ ‎

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

closest friend(s) - these will be the people she’s most comfortable around and can be completely herself with. they probably know a little bit about her past, but not the whole story

colleagues - fellow veterinarians, or other staff at the clinic

neighbours - she has her own apartment, so there’s a few options for neighbour type connections

ex-boyfriend - will have been during college years, can have ended on good or bad terms, could even still be feelings there if we wanna get real angsty with it

past hook-ups - again, probably during college years, can be awkward or not, i don’t mind

enemies - people that she doesn’t like or don’t like her, or someone from her past that did something to really upset her and she’s holding a grudge still

[aloisofmissouri]

A Journal Entry

July 20th, 2021

11:44pm

Trigger Warning:

 Sexual Assault, Self Harm,Mental Health, physical health, and occasional swears.

Dear Reader,

I’m only eighteen but I have experienced a lot, and so have many other teens I know. I know at least four of my classmates have been raped at some point in their life. And who knows what others may have been through and I never knew. 

But I’m not writing to share their story, unless they decide that they want their story told. As of now, I am writing to share my story. 

So, let's start with my earliest memory.

My earliest memory is watching Elmo and Little Bear from my crib in the living room when I was probably a toddler. I don’t remember much, other than enjoying the cartoons. It was happy and innocent. One of the few childhood memories I can look back on and smile. 

I was really young when I was first raped. First raped, you caught that part, right? Yeah, I wasn’t raped just once, but multiple times by one man. The man I had grown up calling my father. The man on my birth certificate. I’m not exactly how old I was when it started, but if I had to guess, I was probably in the first or  second grade when it went past the occasional groping and lewd comments. 

Near the end of third grade, my mother decided to take me and my sibling to live with our grandmother. But that didn’t last long.

We ended up moving back in with our mother and abusive father when I was in fifth grade. I didn’t want to but my father manipulated me into doing so. He threatened to place a restraining order on my grandmother when I wanted to stay with her. 

Things were miserable and the abuse continued. But luckily I was able to go back to my grandmother by sixth grade. But I still had to deal with what happened.

I believe my grandmother meant well, but she use to tell me not to let people know what had happened to me. She said that no one would want to be with someone who was raped because a lot of people view them as used or damaged goods basically. 

My grandmother was a bit emotionally damaging, though I know she more than likely didn’t know that she was being so. I have reason to believe that she has dementia and possibly a personality disorder. 

I remember her saying that I shouldn’t wear plaid or spotted clothing because it would make me look bigger than the broad side of a barn. She also told me to stay away from bright colors because they would have the same effect. I refused to stay away from plaid though, I kept that jacket from middle school until junior year when I could no longer zip it. But it took me a long time to wear bright colors, and it is still hard. I also have a hard time feeling comfortable in my own skin, and not just because of the occasional comment about my weight from my grandmother, but also because of the abuse I had dealt with from my father. I spent the majority of school always wearing jeans, jackets, and dark clothing. I didn’t feel comfortable wearing shorts. And I’m still getting used to wearing them. 

I had to go to court in middle school. Someone had apparently turned my father in for what he had done to me (I was living with my grandmother again by then) and we still do not know who reported them. I wish I could thank whoever turned him in. 

Sadly, they only gave him three years despite the evidence. And he was only going to have to serve one and a half years because of the amount of time spent in a jail cell waiting for court that kept getting rescheduled. He died of stage four lung cancer though before he was half way through his time.

My freshman year I finally realised I had anxiety and that there was something definitely wrong with me mentally. By my sophomore year, I was self harming and in counselling and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, OCD, and Anxiety. By junior year I was on a lot of medication thanks to a pill happy psychiatrist. And I was miserable. But thankfully, I found a new psychiatrist who quickly helped me get cut down to just one pill. Near the end of junior year, I quit self harming. And I also finally started to get a bit of control over my mania and my depression.

I have a Google Doc somewhere that has over 150 pages of poetry, and the majority of it is about depression, trauma, and anger. And they were all written during middle school and highschool. Writing poetry helped me then. Now, I don’t really write poetry anymore. I have only written a handful of poems within the last year. And they were mostly in Shakespearean English because I thought it would be fun.

I believe I might have religious anxiety. I don’t remember the technical term though. I grew up going to Baptist Churches and had a heavy christian influence. But sadly, Christians aren’t quite as christian as they are supposed to be. 

Due to being constantly worried about sinning and about being too filthy and being damned to hell, my depression and anxiety got to me from a different angle. I kept breaking up with everyone I dated if I feared we were getting too close. I would either feel like I wasn’t good enough or I would fear that we would have sex and I would be damned. I also hated myself for my sexuality, though it took me a long time to figure that out. I supported my LGBTA+ friends but when it came to myself, I couldn’t accept myself. 

When I self harmed, I would do it because I felt filthy and had this urge to scratch my skin off my body because I never felt clean. I never hurt myself too severely, just scratches and shallow cuts on my wrist and my thigh. But I still found it hard to quit. It became far too easy to always turn to the blade, regardless of if I was feeling filthy or if I was dissociating or if I was having a panic attack. 

Despite what had happened to me, I’m finally starting to become me. Even though I am still discovering who I am. I quite self harming, I don’t have quite as many panic attacks or nightmares, I lost my virginity, learned I am demisexual (leaning a bit towards asexuality though) Panromantic and Nonbinary. I also discovered I have some other health issues outside of my mental health. I am apparently allergic to alphagall, peanuts, and wheat. Thankfully I just get slightly sick if I eat those things though, but it is still a bit annoying when those things are basically in everything you like to eat. 

I also found out that the reason my menstrual cycle has always been so irregular is because I have cysts. Originally I thought I had PCOS but now after some ultrasounds, it is looking like Endometriosis. I have cysts on my uterus and my ovaries. The doctor told me that my insurance should cover the surgery if I were to get a total hysterectomy. 

I never really wanted to give birth so that part of this doesn’t bother me, my fear is that there will be issues from the surgery. And it has also spurred some identity issues. But so far, I am sticking to they/them pronouns. Even though my family still calls me she/her. But I haven’t really come out to them. They know I’m not 100% straight, but who wants to sit down and explain to their grandmother (who dropped out of school in eight grade to care for her grandma, has a flip phone, and just a few years ago decided to accept the lgbt+ part of her family) that I’m nonbinary? I barely manage to explain to my mother (highschool dropout because of pregnancy, has a touch screen phone and understand some things of the current century) that there is more than just straight, gay, and bisexual. I explained to my mother the other day what omnigender and nonbinary is. Had to explain transgender to my mother when I was a junior and introduced her to a friend of mine who was afab but went by he/him pronouns. 

I suppose that despite all the shit I’ve been through, at least my mother doesn’t give two flying fucks who I like. When I told her that I thought I was pansexual in middle school, all she did was ask me what that meant. Then she just nodded her head and went with it. Same thing when I decided I was Wiccan in middle school. She even bought me a pentacle necklace and every book (mostly fantasy) that mentioned witches. I no longer identify as Wiccan, I mostly just stick to animist. But my point being, my mother didn’t throw a fit when two of her nine kids came out as gay. Even if she does identify as a Saturday Adventist, she supports us. She even listens to me ramble about mistranslated things in the Bible and my views on theology. And my rants about Supernatural. Though she did laugh when I spent about an hour crying after the Supernatural second to last episode of season 15. She did listen to me rant about Castiel and the plot lines and everything. Though I had to keep explaining some of the characters to her. 

Despite the things I’ve been through, I managed to graduate high school, survive my severe depression and anxiety, and now I am thinking about possibly applying for Law school and going to college. And I now also have the confidence to do what I want and wear what I want. Though I still feel all nervous about asking out a girl I’ve been friends with for about three or more years. I’ve now made the excuse to wait and see if she mentions not being completely straight. Oh, and she now has a boyfriend too so yeah, gonna have to wait a bit.

Until next time,

Alois 🐧

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #381

“don’t try to be the one person who has stayed just to say they never left me”

Do you feel bored with your life? Always. Do you miss anyone who was mean to you in the past? I sometimes miss Colleen, but I know it's for the better that we no longer associate with each other. What’s the most weight you’ve ever gained from a medication? I don't know, but a fuck of a lot. Thanks, Abilify. Have you ever been suicidal? Yes. Do you pray? If yes, to whom? No. What do you miss about high school? Memories with Jason. What do you miss the most about college? Socializing. What was the best date you’ve ever been on? A triple date to an arcade w/ Jason and friends. What’s the last great song you discovered? The most recent one? I don't know, really. Do you feel free to post how you feel on Facebook? Yeah. Don't like what I post, delete me. Have you ever done cocaine? Yikes, no thanks. Do you think you’ll ever get married? Do you want to? I sometimes wonder if I ever will. I'm scared of just continuing to be an unemployed leech that is doing nothing significant with her life, in which case it's like, why even be with me romantically. I feel like such a dead end street. I want to get married someday. Who do you care about the most? When it comes down to it, probably my mom. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yeah. Would you ever get gauged ears? I want small gauges, actually. When it comes to clothing, are you the conservative type? Yes, because I hate my body and don't want others to see it. Do you enjoy eating? I wish I didn't. Have you ever ridden in a race car? No. Do you go out of your way to impress the opposite gender? No. Do you enjoy history? Not really, no. It bores me. Are you a pajama person or do you stay dressed all day? I'm just about always in my pjs. Do you value looks or personality more? Personality is way more important. Have you ever changed religions? Yeah. Born Roman Catholic, converted to Christianity when I further understood the differences, then I went to how I am now: I believe in something(s), but I don't quite know what. I wouldn't call myself a Neo-Pagan, but it's what I relate most to. Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? I would for like, my wedding. Foo fighters vs. Red Hot Chili Peppers: I'm actually not a big fan of either. Are you a fan of the SAW movies? I don't really watch them. Do you ever forget how old your siblings are? My two immediate sisters, I'm sometimes a year off. All my others, yes. :x Mountain Dew or Sprite? Mountain Dew, of course. I really don't like Sprite now, which is ironic because as a kid, it was my favorite soda. Could you ever give yourself a shot? Yeah. Have you ever worked as a cashier? That was one of my duties when I worked at a dollar store. If you are on birth control that allows you take pills and skip your period, how often do you opt to skip it? How come? My birth control doesn't allow me to skip, but rather, it regulates it. Is there a book series where you loved the first book, but for some reason the other books in the series just didn’t measure up? I can't say that, no, as most series I just kinda fell out of, like The Hunger Games. LOVED the first book, started the second, and even though I was enjoying it, I just stopped for some reason? Are there any stores/restaurants that you would like to shop/eat at, but there aren’t any located near enough to you? Haha yeah, like lots of west coast fast food places like Jack n' the Box or however it's formatted. If you were told by a professional that you were unable to become pregnant, how would that affect you? Is there something important to you about conceiving a biological child rather than adoption? And finally, if you even want to have children, would you choose adoption or surrogacy or would you go on childless? I don't even want kids, so honestly, I'd be stoked if I learned I was infertile. Wouldn't need to worry about the chance of getting pregnant and facing an abortion dilemma. Is there something that you did not used to take seriously, that you either now take seriously or wish that you had in the past (e.g., a relationship that you miss, your education, etc.)? Hm. I don't know. Are there any subjects that you are interested in so much that you would read whole books or academic journals about them? Meerkats, especially. I will read EVERY scientific article about them I find. Are you physically affectionate with your friends? I'm a hugger. When you were in middle school and high school, did you witness a lot of bullying? How did the teachers react to name-calling or violence? Not really, thankfully. Are any of your friends/relatives actually impressive artists or writers? Are you willing to share an example of their work? Yeah. I have a cousin who's really good at drawing, and my sister is a wonderful cake decorator. Do you drink more apple or orange juice? Orange. Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your gf/bf? My hypothetical bf/gf, no. Would you ever donate blood? I have before, and I would again if I knew I was hydrated enough and the opportunity was right there. Would you rather drink coffee or tea? Ugh, neither. Do you get easily embarrassed? YES. How long was your longest make out? TMI alert, like all night. If the person who hurt you most said they’re sorry would you believe them? I honestly don't know. Do you have sensitive skin? Very. What color is your mum's car? White. Do you live in an apartment? No. Do you have a pet fish? Nope. Are you happy with your eye color? I wish they were a more sapphire blue. Solid soap bar or liquid body wash? Absolutely liquid body wash. What color do you want your dream car to be? Baby pink. *-* Do you have more then one favorite band? I say I do, but at the same time I know Ozzy Osbourne will ALWAYS be #1. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship? In a relationship. But it's absolutely not something I'm about to force just for the sake of being in one. Would you be really upset if Facebook ceased to exist tomorrow? Nah. Have you or would you try shark meat? No to both. Do you know anyone that's pescatarian? No. Someone I watch on YouTube is, though. Are you shy or over confident around your crushes? Super shy. Do you think the govt. has a cure for cancer, but is hiding it from public? Hell, I think it's very well possible, but I lean more towards for financial hoarding, they simply don't further pursue potential cures that are discovered. I mean, just THINK about all the "future cures" you've read or heard about. It's fucking outrageous. It's all to fuel the medical industry. Okay, tin hat coming off. Last time you drank a diet soda? A very long time ago, because diet soda gives me a massive headache. Was your ex born in America? Only one wasn't. Name your favorite type of music and why. Metal. I for one just like the sound, and I find it very therapeutic when I'm especially mad or sad. Even when I'm in a good mood, I just enjoy it. I also feel that a lot of metal songs tell interesting stories and/or have very poetic lyrics. Do you own or have you read, or thought of reading any self-help books? I haven't, but I've considered it. Can you breakdance? Definitely not. Have you ever read a book and not understood it? If so which one? Yes. We were assigned this one war novel in middle school that was FUCKING AWFUL, like I was checked out the whole time. I don't remember its name or anything. Have you ever watched a movie and not understood it? If so which one? Yes; the Warcraft movie I mentioned in a recent survey. Orcs and their fucking deep-ass voice that I couldn't understand. Do you blowdry your hair? No. Tell me about your dream last night. Omfgggggg y'all. So, there's one invert pet that I've never understood the keeping appeal of, and that's giant centipedes. Their bites are notoriously excruciating, and they are just SO goddamn fast. Well, for some godforsaken reason, I wanted one as a pet. Got one, and it immediately got loose. Guess who wanted to shit herself lmao. Centipedes are very cool, but only from a distance, ya feel? Have you ever stayed in a fancy high-class rich hotel? No. Have you ever stayed in a rent-by-the-hour motel? I don't think so. Describe the worst fight you’ve ever been in whether physical or verbal. I'm not entirely sure about my *worst*, but I know it was with Mom. We've had a few. Have you heated any food in your microwave today? Yeah, a shrimp alfredo Lean Cuisine bowl. Do you own any items of clothing with cartoon characters on them? Yes. Have you ever played Animal Crossing? No, it doesn't seem like my kinda game. Do you own anything (e.g jewelry, accessories) with your initial on it? Yes, but none of which I personally bought because I don't really like them. Do you own any cats or dogs? What are their names? I have a cat named Roman. <3 Have you added any books to your shelves lately? Which? No. Have you bought any new cosmetics or toiletries lately? Which? No. Do your pets have a specific type of food that they prefer? Roman will eat whatever cat food he's given, while Venus, like your average ball python, is a picky eater. Like when I first got her, she wouldn't eat for almost a year because I just couldn't find a method through which she'd accept food. Now she consistently takes frozen/thawed small rats that have actually sat in warm water (versus doing it by hand under running water), and she generally won't strike it unless it's offered to her by tongs, but not dangling by the tail. Picky, picky miss thang. What's your favourite variety of apple? I'm not very particular about flavor so long as the apple is crisp. I canNOT do soft apples. Which of your physical features do you receive the most compliments about? My hair.

[readingsbylibramc]

birth chart reading for @joonie5

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a bucket shape, with mars as the handle of the bucket. your mars is in the 6th house, hence matters regarding work, health and routine will be your priorities in this lifetime. you also have clear ideas about your future and who you want to be. even though you may have different passions and talents you’re capable of only sticking to one and mastering it, giving your all.

your dominant planets are uranus, mercury venus. you are a particularly smart individual, you're probably very witty and you always manage to come up with original and innovative ideas. in fact, you're very creative, and you may even express yourself through some sort of artistic hobby for example.

your dominant sign is aquarius. you're eccentric and rebel, you don't like being told what to do. you're very considerate of others, as you focus more on the development of a group rather than your persona. that's because you want the people you frequent to be as open-minded as you are. aquarius people are capable of elaborating different ideas in a short amount of time; hence, you either overwork yourself, or you're not able to keep up with all your ideas, leaving projects unfinished.

your dominant element is air. in your life, you adore seeking for knowledge of any kind. you may be interested in studying different subjects, from those you study at school like science, maths, literature etc. to more unconventional ones, such as astrology, psychology, criminology and so on. you enjoy interacting with people; even if you’re not that sociable, you’ll still be interested in their point of view and their ideals, as you see it as a way to expand your own mind. you’re also interested in vintage, and you may have a retro aesthetic or just like history in general.

🌎 ascendant in gemini, 11° / 2nd decan ruled by mercury and venus

you enjoy communicating and intellectualism. you’re very curious about everything that surrounds you. you love expanding your knowledge, ideas and mind in general through communication, interactions and media. you have the ability to adapt quickly to new situations; your mind is fast, usually impulsive, even though this energy may not be much prominent; it may be perceived differently due to your virgo energy, in fact. that’s because virgo prefers organizing things, rather than acting impulsively. yet, this placement still helps you being adaptable to changes, even though you may only be able to see it after a few years if you manage to balance it well. you may also be able to match the energy of the people you’re talking to in order to be perceived as more likeable and connect with everyone on a deeper level. you may be so focused on making up your emotions, that you could forget to feel them, though. this may eventually cause crisis in an individual. you may be fond of books, poetry, literature… both writing and reading. it’s also a way to let yourself tune to your emotions. since you’re constantly mentally active, physically you may also tend to play with your fingers or hair, or maybe you tend to gesticulate while you speak. appearance-wise, I assume you’re at least of average height, with long limbs and fingers. you have something small about your face; you may either have a small nose, or eyes, lips etc. same thing goes for your bones. you may be naturally skinny. you also tend to look younger than you actually are, especially when growing up.

gemini ascendant opposite sagittarius pluto: you're aware that the world is too nasty for your honesty, hence you may have trust issues. even though you are friendly, you're very picky about who you decide to actually call your friend. you may constantly feel lonely, as if no one were willing to listen and understand you. you live with the fear that others may take advantage of you, hence you end up doing it yourself, unconsciously. you may be controlling, but your chart hints that it's not too much of a big deal. you may have the tendency to do it sometimes, but it's mostly a bad trait of your past life. the universe is testing you to see if you've learned your lesson or not. you have all the skills to avoid this type of behaviour now that you're aware of it.

🌞 sun in capricorn, 13° / 2nd decan ruled by saturn and venus

you're an extremely ambitious and hard-working person. you have a goofy side to you, and with your gemini rising I don't think it's hard to let it out. nonetheless, you put a lot of seriousness in your goals. you aspire to be the best, not only for yourself, but also to be recognized. you don't do it to brag, though. you just want to feel fulfilled, being good at something boosts your self-esteem. in fact, you're quite insecure about yourself. you're a perfectionist, you always want to be at your best state, and that could pressure you. since you were a child, you always took care of your responsibilities, in fact you probably didn't find yourself at ease around your peers at school. you get along more with older people, or that are at least as mature as you, as you grew up sooner than other kids, with a strong sense of duty. you tend to be a bit too materialistic; for example, when thinking about a gift, you immediately think about something material that costs money, not something handmade, for example. money is very important for you, and you aspire to achieve a great status in life. you're also quite pessimistic, you never set your expectations too high, mostly out of fear. you're constantly afraid that things could turn out the way you don't want them to be, as you always want to have everything under control. because of that, you may even appear as bossy or snobby, as you may have the impulse to control people as well. you don't do it out of malice, though, it's something very subconscious that comes from fear. fear of not being able to achieve your goals and being criticized by others.

capricorn sun conjunct capricorn mercury: you express your ego and identity through your words and ideas. you’re very opinionated and you protect strongly your beliefs. after all, you probably came up with your ideals after thinking deeply about them, you were too precise to be wrong. you’re also probably an avid reader, and you could do well in writing yourself, as you’re able to properly convey your ideals with your words. also, your heavy gemini dominance makes you naturally good at writing poetry, or even philosophical quotes. your mind is very active, and you feel comfortable letting all your thoughts out. it’s actually a way to relieve stress. you also have a wide vocabulary, and you’re capable of making a formal speech if you have to. you have a memorable way of speaking, as your words are very sharp. it’s hard for you to be ignored for your intellect.

🌙 moon in aries, 24° / 3rd decan ruled by mars and venus

you aim for greatness. this is where your strong desire to be the #1 comes from, pretty much. you're very proud of yourself, and you don't like to acknowledge your mistakes. you always want to look like you have your life together, even in certain moments when you feel lost. I would say that this is a sort of self-sabotaging mechanism, as you can literally go as far as forcing a smile if it shows the world that you can stand by yourself. overall, I would say you deal with your emotions in a very 'child-like' way; after all, aries is pretty self-centered. you tend to preserve yourself more, unless someone really special to you is involved. in fact, aries moon makes you really protective of your loved and trusted ones, even though they're not many because of your high standards. you're also very honest, you speak from your heart. while it's a positive trait, you may be too blunt and ruin your relationships because of that. you're both smart and fast, hence you may get annoyed when people mishear or misunderstand your words.

aries moon square capricorn mercury: your thoughts and feelings are constantly in contrast with each other. your capricorn mercury desires privacy and formal, mannered relationships, your cancer moon wants more fun and action. this results in indecisiveness, you change your mind pretty often, and that can cause you conflicts due to communication problems. you're also pretty opinionated, you don't hide your feelings when you act by impulse. at least, the positive side of this placement is that you're probably very intellectual, capable of taking in consideration both the subjective and objective side of an argument.

🗣 mercury in capricorn, 18° / 2nd decan ruled by saturn and venus

you can come off as cold by the way you speak. when you're speaking to someone you're not close to, you choose your words more wisely and patiently; with your friends, on the other hand, you take off your mask and you just act the way you feel to. you may also be the type to give dry answers, such as 'ok', 'alright', 'good' and so on. your tone is calm and placid, while your voice sounds quite youthful, but still with a note of steadiness. you're funny, but your humor is more sarcasm-based. you're not intimidated easily; even when someone tries to argue with you, you don't back up from it. you may dive deep into your mind to find the right answer you to your problem. even if it takes you some time, you manage to find a solution. a downside to this is that you may lack patience; you are very efficient, and you want people to match your standards.

❤️ venus in pisces, 0° / 1st decan ruled by neptune

you’re hopelessly romantic, to the point that you almost look naive. you’re not simply looking for a partner or spouse, you’re looking for a soulmate; someone you can literally communicate with just using your eyes, someone that knows how to make you feel even messier on the inside. you like to nurture and feel nurtured in a relationship. your ideal lover would be sensitive and empathetic, yet still with a sort of rebel vibe to them. this placement is indeed very lovely, but it has its downsides too, of course. the problem is, pisces makes you idealize your crushes/partners way too much, to the point that you create an image of someone in your head that turns out to be the opposite at the end. you ignore your partner’s flaws, as they seem perfect to you. pisces also attracts 'broken’ persons, so you may be prone to find yourself people with any kind of illness or addiction. you also have the tendency to fall for people who may hurt you because they’re unavailable, either physically or emotionally. you could possibly also crush on celebrities, movie characters etc. that’s because you’re more the type to fall in love with love, rather than with the actual person.

pisces venus square gemini jupiter: you come off as a very positive, happy-go-lucky person. you're extremely friendly, and this makes you be good at social relationships. you may have lots of friends, or at least you have the potential to make many if you opened up and talked to them. yet, while this energy gives you positive vibes, some people may take advantage of that, as you could easily be mistaken for naive. people can try to dominate you unconsciously (sometimes even on purpose) not only in relationships but even in friendships. aside from that, I don't think this placement causes you many problems. you may have the tendency to procrastinate and not work. you could be quite lazy and get easily distracted, as you're constantly with your head in the clouds. yet, thanks to your capricorn energy, you still manage to find some motivation to do your work.

pisces venus square taurus saturn: you feel unable to love someone, or perhaps you feel pressured from others to hide your love, maybe it's your shyness or it could as well be other factors. this placement usually brings fear of committing, causing the individual to be flaky. there are two possibilities; I assume you directly avoid to get into relationships. your mind may unconsciously repress any thought about an eventual crush or love interest. it is caused by your insecurity, especially regarding your looks. or perhaps, it’s the other way around: you literally jump into relationships, resulting in you getting hurt from time to time. you could feel pressured to be in a relationship, even though it’s not your priority. this is something that is mainly caused by insecurity, whether you realize it or not, even though it's something that will get better with time, especially since you have a strong capricorn dominance. don’t be afraid of not being enough, because you are. but if you don’t realize it first, others won’t. you have to be your own healer, and you’re totally capable of doing that.

☄️ mars in scorpio, 6° / 1st decan ruled by pluto

you’re an extremely goal-oriented person. you want to be the best at everything you do, not only to be better than others but also the best for yourself. you’re very astute, it’s impossible to trick you, and you always find a way to be in charge and get what you want. yet, you can get quite obsessed about your goals, that you could do extreme things to get what you want. in fact, people with this placement can even manipulate others, as they’re totally capable of doing that. yet, I don’t see many placements that point out to that in the rest of your chart, aside from your gemini rising. in fact, you are probably a very smooth talker, as I've already mentioned above. people are naturally attracted to you, you have a way with words, and hence you’re always able to convince others into giving you what you want. but luckily, this doesn’t turn into manipulation, you probably don’t even realize this skill of yours, and hence you don’t use it to damage others. when you get angry, you could actually seem scary. your emotions are very intense, it’s hard to calm you down. mixed with your aries moon and capricorn mercury, you may be very sarcastic and aggressive with your words. you could hurt people, but you don’t do it on purpose. most of the time, you don’t even mean the things you say. you may also vent your anger with physical action, hence you could slam doors, punch or break things etc.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in gemini. your ego feels fulfilled when you express your opinions, ideas and creativity. people probably see you as an intelligent, wise individual. maybe even as a know-it-all. you care about both your inner and outer self, which may be the cause of your confidence issues. you try to fit into society, and you tend to change your approach to people based on who you’re interacting with. while this gives you great social skills, it may confuse you quite a bit. in fact, you may forget who you are. you may often have identity crisis, especially since you always feel as if you have to fit somewhere. with the ruler of the 1st house in the 8th house, your life is oriented towards experiences and earning money. you probably love having deep, meaningful bonds with others, and you could also be quite picky in choosing your friends. you may be interested in the the occult and spiritual matters, like tarots, astrology, etc. you probably ask yourself about the meaning of existence a lot, for example, you’re constantly looking for the truth. above all, you love learning about yourself, and that also explains why you decided to book a reading.

your 2nd house is in cancer. your family, home and cultural background may play a big role in your finances. you may earn money through your family’s business, or maybe you actually work with your family. you may also work from home, especially online/through social media. your adaptability is your greatest strenght; you’re probably good at a different variety of jobs, hence it may not be hard for you to find something to cope before deciding your definite career. this also confirms that your values, self-worth and security were shaped by your roots, childhood and family. the ruler of the 2nd house is in the 11th house; having a dream, a goal to pursue and working hard for it is a great help to boost your self-esteem and be more self-aware. you may actually make money out of it, you could pursue the career of your dreams and earn a nice income from it. the 11th house also rules friendship, hence you could have many wealthy friends, or perhaps they help you feeling more confident. you’re probably more sociable when you’re in their company.

your 3rd house is in cancer. your parents were probably successful in school and university, and they passed down their knowledge to you. maybe, you felt so pressured to meet their expectations that you became insecure about your abilities. you may also find yourself talking about your memories, as you’re very attached to them, or even directly about your childhood/parents. you could, for example, write very personal poetry or books, you can’t help but tune in all of your feelings when you express yourself through words. the ruler of the 3rd house is in the 11th house: you may often find yourself thinking and talking about your goals. especially with your capricorn dominance, you are an hard-working individual who always tries to get their job done, and hence you may often talk about your achievements, your goals and expectations. you may also have lots of friends, especially from school, or at least you love talking to them, you have witty friends who you can have interesting and stimulating conversations with.

your 4th house is in leo. your family had great expectations of you, which could eventually led to anxiety/self-esteem issues. on the other hand, your parents cared about you, and they always made sure they let you have everything you needed. if you have siblings, you were most likely the favourite child in the family, or at least you were spoiled by your parents, both with material things and affection. overall, your childhood wasn’t much turbulent, I don’t see any kind of trauma. the ruler of the 4th house is in the 8th house: you could come from a possibly wealthy family, or perhaps you have quite of a secretive family. they may not go out too often, you may not like inviting people over for example. also, your family could have received an inheritance, or perhaps you’re the one who’s going to receive an inheritance from your family.

your 5th house is in virgo. you enjoy relax, yet you may feel guilty to abandon work for a while. you always feel like you have something to do, and that doesn’t allow you to fully enjoy your rest time. make sure to always find some space for yourself, though. it’s where your energy resides, you feel at home and comfortable exploring your abilities, you shouldn’t take them for granted. also, this enhances your writing abilities even more. in fact, you’re both creative to create stories and rational to tell them objectively and in a clear manner. the ruler of the 5th house is in the 8th house: your hobbies involve occult topics, such as astrology, tarots, horror etc. you probably also love spending your spare time by yourself. you’re quite of a loner, from this point of view, and you may possibly feel sad about it.

your 6th house is scorpio, with mars placed here as well. you may be passionate about routine, self-care, health and work, to the point that it looks (and feels) obsessive. you may attract enemies in your daily life, e.g co-workers that are jealous of your ambition. you might have to undergo different changes in your routine and health throughout your life, which can literally transform you both physically and emotionally. mars here makes you extremely hard-working and effecient, especially combined with your capricorn energy. you are a precise person who always strives to be the best at everything you do. the ruler of the 6th house is in the 7th house: you may come in contact with people very often in your day-to-day life. you may have a job that requires social interactions, for instance, or perhaps you're just the type to spend and enjoy time around others. possibly, you could even find yourself dating your co-workers, and you may actually marry someone from your workplace.

your 7th house is in sagittarius, with also pluto tightly conjunct the descendant. you want your marriage to be a constant travel for you, in which you can both relax and learn. you want to marry a witty and impulsive partner, that is also fun to live with. you may often find yourself falling for unavailable people, either physically or emotionally (or even both). pluto here can make things a bit complicated, though. in fact, pluto in the 7th house indicates that you may have a turbulent marriage, you may often fight with your spouse. in the worst case, this could even escalate as physical violence, not only verbal. there could also be lots of power struggles and competitiveness, you feel as if you always the need to be superior to feel secure, and this could interfer in your relationships. of course, this doesn't have to be 100% accurate, you have lots of easy aspects in your chart, but I'd keep that in mind if I were in you. the fact that jupiter, the ruler of this house, is in the 12th house, indicates that you may actually dream about your future spouse, or just about your lovers and people that surround you in general. actually, you may even have a connection with your spouse, you could've already met in another lifetime and therefore you two are soulmates.

your 8th house is in sagittarius, and the sun and mercury are also placed here. you’re very curious when it comes to taboo topics, you like learning about them, especially with also mercury being in this house. you’re probably into conspiracy theories, as well as matters like astrology, tarots, horror, tragedies, violence… you’re most likely interested in them, and you may work in a field related to these topics, for example you may become a criminologist, a detective, a psychologist etc. you could also experience lots of karma in your life; that is, if you’re mean to someone, then others will be mean to you too. try to always do your best, the universe will surely appreciate that. you could have strong feelings, but you probably struggle to let them all out. you may particularly good at public-speaking, but actually you’re overall quite secretive, you don’t mind being by yourself. the good thing about 8th house is that, while you suffer, you also transform and grow up to learn from your mistakes. therefore, having an 8th house stellium isn’t a curse like other astrologers say. the ruler of the 8th house is in the 12th house: your self-growth process happens when you’re able to stay by yourself and explore your own mind, you probably think a lot. you also love learning about psychology in general, spirituality, etc. actually, you may even be skilled at reading tarots, birth charts, or at least you have the potential to be good at it.

your 9th house is in capricorn, with also uranus and neptune sitting there. you have a pragmatic approach to philosophy, school and experiences in general. for example, you may be the type to plan every day of a travel. at school, you were probably the type to prefer more logical subjects, but I assume that you were good at all of them. you’re most likely extremely curious about anything the world has to offer. you want to make new experiences and adventures, you want to find out anything about other cultures, places, etc. to open your mind and gain some new knowledge. you probably love travelling, and you may have quite a few dream destinations to visit. the 9th house is also about higher education, and hence you’re probably successful at school. you most likely enjoy studying, and you could get more than one degree actually. or perhaps, you got to study different subjects before choosing your final university, you were quite indecisive at first. neptune is also placed in this house, while the ruler of the 9th house is placed in the 12th, enhancing this energy. you may be a very creative and imaginative individual, you could daydream very often and you tend to literally 'travel' with your mind. you may even be a good writer, you may like reading fantasy books or perhaps you're goot at writing that genre. you could also be fascinated by abroad lands, you may see them as a dream in your eyes.

your 10th house is in aquarius with also your venus placed there. you want to stand out from the crowd, you strive to establish your own morals and beliefs. you don’t want to conform to anything and anyone, as you’re a trend-setter and you want to be seen as such. you’d rather have a job where you can handle your work yourself, rather than having a boss. in fact, aquarius in this house makes you extremely resolute and motivated to achieve your goals and be independent. you may not be much interested in love, and if you are, you don’t overlook career either. having a stable and successful future that makes you happy is the key for happiness in your life. it could take you some time at first to be recognized for your efforts. you may easily experience 'almost-winner’ situation, and hence you could often make silly mistakes that ruin your work. it’s important to be focused when working, especially for you. yet, once you know how to balance this tricky energy and get your stuff together, you'll earn a reputation for being an innovative and original person. you may be quite artistic, creative and emotional, you'll probably focus your life on self-expression. venus in this house is another placement that indicates that you may often date people from your work place, or maybe even people older than you. also, since venus is your most elevated planet, your life probably revolves around love, as well as creativity. in fact, your career could possibly involve beauty, like fashion, make-up, etc. or maybe arts. you could be a singer, a writer... you would also do particularly well at politics or law.

your 11th house is in pisces, with also your moon sitting there. you probably had problems with your friendships in your early years. you could have been too shy to approach people, hence you struggled to befriend them. or maybe, you used to gossip around, and that led you to lose them. or perhaps, you’re too work-oriented to find some spare time to hang out with others, and hence you end up losing your bond with them. in the best case, you may have quite spiritual / religious friends, or perhaps they’re your soulmates, they were a part of your past life. you have this habit of idealizing them a bit; that is, you may be too picky in choosing your friends. you’re probably looking for the type of friend that’d literally throw themselves under a car to save you, but it’s hard to actually find someone like that. open up more and accept others as they are. you don’t necessarily need to be with them for a long time, but make sure to learn your lessons from them. it’s what your life revolves around, after all. the moon here makes you care a lot about your friends; even though you may argue a bit, their presence in your life is still very fundamental for you, they're most likely the ones to bring fun and adventure in your life. we could say that they literally feel like home to you, you feel completely comfortable with them, and you may even have lots of childhood friends. with the ruler of the 11th house being in the 9th house, you may have friends that live far away from you, maybe even abroad, and that have a different cultural background from you. you may also have long-term goals related to the abroad, you may want to learn another language or travel around the world. perhaps, you may even want to go live abroad, or at least you strive to learn as much as you can about the world.

lastly, your 12th house is in the sign of taurus. you’re secretly sensitive and affectionate, but you may have issues finding it out at first. in fact, the center of your life is your own intellectuality, these venusian traits are probably yet to develop. you may feel attracted to spirituality, but you’re quite lazy to actually dive into it, as your jupiter and saturn conjunction suggests. you’re quite secretive, but maybe because you don’t know how to get in touch with your feelings. using tools like meditation, astrology etc. are important for you to understand what you truly need from life. luckily, I assume that you're already working on getting more in touch with your higher self, otherwise you wouldn't have booked a reading. anyways, spirituality for you is particularly important; in fact, with this saturn and jupiter influence, all you need to do is work hard for yourself, as much as you work for others. the universe is going to pay you back. plus, I assume that manifestation and law of attractions work particularly well for you, I'd definitely try that out. your 12th house’s ruler is in the 10th house: getting in touch with your hidden, subconscious and higher self will be crucial to help you grow up and gain success. you may be interested in topics like astrology, psychology etc. most likely to get to know yourself, but your chart points out that you could easily turn these hobbies into a job! or perhaps, you may have a reputation for being secretive, you may not say much about yourself in professional relationships.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love, you attract sagittarius, virgo, libra, scorpio, pisces and aries placements. your future spouse may also have sagittarius/scorpio energy, maybe a sagittarius - scorpio cusp. you need someone who’s adventurous, funny, outgoing and witty, that can also stand up for themselves with no hesitation. you’re also into the magnetic, sexy type. you’re looking for someone independent, but that wouldn’t mind dedicating their time to you. you may feel unlucky in love, as your sagittarius descendant makes you attract people that are usually unavailable, whether it’s physically (they’re abroad) or emotionally. you may marry someone of a different culture/country/religion from yours. you may also meet and marry abroad. you may meet through your family, or maybe at your workplace as I’ve already mentioned before. they could also be someone you already know, probably from your childhood. your children will most probably have very prominent mercurian energy, hence gemini or virgo, or maybe they could also have leo or cancer placements; they’ll love to be spoiled with affection, they’ll love material things like toys, food, clothes etc. but they’ll also be very smart and creative.

👶🏻 family life

your mother is probably very hard-working, and she has a strong role in your family. she loves being spoiled and appreciated, together with receiving attention. yet, she could sometimes be quite superficial because of that, but deep down she's very romantic and mannered. she may have leo placements, or any fire / 5th house placement in general. your father is a bit colder than your mother, and he might be an aquarius or have any type of air/capricorn placement in his chart. your father could be a bit moody and / or unpredictable, and he may also have some addictions in the worst case. yet, he also has a very sweet and romantic side to him that he may struggle to let out. he could possibly also have taurus placements. if you have siblings, they’re probably cancers/ water signs. if you’re the elder sibling, you probably used to take care of them to help your mother. on the other hand, if you’re younger, then your siblings were the ones who nurtured you with your parents.

📊 career

as I’ve already mentioned above, you could work abroad, or at least with different languages/cultures. you’re probably naturally talented in this field, it would be a shame to overlook it. you also most likely have great communication skills and writing abilities. you’re very logical and precise, you’d definitely do well in a field that requires calm and organization. I can also picture you being an amazing teacher or even professor. based on your other placements, you could also do well at literally any creative career! you may be a dancer, a singer, or even something more complex like a creative director. in fact, with your aquarius midheaven, I feel like you'd rather be in charge in your job rather than be submissed to a boss. you’re very intuitive and observant, but also logical and rational. otherwise, you could also be successful as a designer, an architect, a scientist… something that allows you to be mostly independent, but that can still guarantee you mental stimulation and a decent income, and that also allows you to use your creative uranian energy.

👕 fashion sense, style analysis

you love wearing comfy, even over-sized fits, but that still look stylish and modern. for example, you may be fond of wide leg trousers, oversized t-shirts or sweatshirts... for the colors, you may fancy pastel colors, especially different shades of blue, or even just natural colors, such as white, beige, kaki etc. you may also like wearing baby/pastel colors, and you may experiment a lot with accessories. you may wear lots of bracelets.

👁 past life, life purpose

during your past life, you probably didn’t have as many challenges as in this life. you most likely used to depend on someone else; perhaps, you married someone rich, hence you didn’t really have to work for your resources. this lifetime, you need to step up your game and become independent. your path to luck and abundance may be long and steep, but your venus being conjunct the north node indicates that you may achieve great personal success in this lifetime. you just need to work on your self-esteem and have stable finances, you shouldn’t over-indulge. to boost your security, you could try using loa, as well as the advices I gave you above.

🤔 major transits analysis, december 25th

in the last few months, you could have had (and you may still have) problems with your friends, as mars and chiron, two malefics, are both transiting your 11th house. you may argue and discuss often, or perhaps you even lost a few friend during this span of time. also, since your natal pluto is conjunct your transit venus, you may feel particularly moody in these days. it could be that you're starting to crave love or communicating in general in the first place, but in addition you also feel the need to change. you may feel very intense emotions, but at least you have a stronger will-power, therefore your manifestations may come true quicker for instance. just be careful not to stress yourself by being too bossy or suspicious.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

your secret skills revolve around finances and just security in general. with a positive attitude, you may attract material luck: money, clothes, houses… everything that you desire. since you’re a logical person, I assume the most efficient way for you to manifest through the LOA is writing! take a notebook and just write down positive affirmations, such as 'I have the car of my dreams’ etc. you may also write them on post-its and glue them around your house, so that you can accelerate the progress. you can also try to idealize your wish before trying to manifest it. for example, if you want a new sweatshirt, try to imagine yourself wearing it. you could also go into a shop and actually try that sweatshirt it on; being in contact with it will boost the law of attraction even more.

this is the end! thank you again for booking a reading, let me know if you have any questions :) - libramc xx

[italianfish]

Here’s some things that I’ve overheard recently

- Michael Jackson part 1, before he came around

- That’s a sexy gauge

- We have cones in our eyes??? *Turns to friend* Show me your eyes.

- What’s ROYGBIV? Is that a person?

- I put the jewish inside of him

- The air in my house is polluted with sleeping pills

- One day someone will react to my gay jokes

- One day someone brought a tub of ice cream out of their backpack in the middle of class

- Hey Francis (Talking to a blow up alien)

- Why do you like assholes

- Aladdin doesn’t have nipples

- Support your own god damn neck!

- I saw my friend in the bathroom and he gave me orange juice

- FORM THE EQUATOR!!!

- Yes, indeed my good sir

- Sharing your wealth is the way to become poor

- I’m sorry I don’t have calcium in my body

- Why the pancreas?!

- I watched this show and these characters exploded and it was my favorite show

- Someone is going to lose a pancreas

- A: Don’t lose your pancreas B: I’ll try to hold onto it

- She knew how to multiply! And I was like “You’re only three!”

- Come on Moser, hitting the nut won’t do anything

- I work with a prostitute

- I love crunchy pancakes

- You are a big neon doof

- Look I can spit, I’m cool now

- ‘Ay! Trout!

- In her free time she did her taxes

- Hey! You like Raisin Bran?

- If you get a rooster you’ll be hungry, unless you eat him

- It smells like Hawaii

- If A claims he’s a god and Jesus says he’s the son of god... Does that mean Jesus is A’s son?

- We managed to convince our sub that this was a film and lit class so we watched infinity war all period

- A- So let’s keep the duck B- It’s a vulture...

- Did you just call me fuzzy?

- I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on

- He looks like a punk rock jazz drummer

- A- British! British! B- I HAVE A NAME!

- Stop putting your dog in the oven!

- Did you expect it to be that good of a cactus?

- I relate to Squidward so much

- He was like the dad that left to get cigarettes and never came back

- We’re literally following Marty Mcfly

- My elbows are funky fresh

- A- You shank em’ B- No! That is the exact opposite of a solution!

- Unicorns caused global warming

- A- No balls in class! B- But we’re in health

- The crazy chellos are back

- See! I do have friends!

- It’s a train, a train of love

- A- Why do they keep getting rid of the babies? B- I don’t know, abortion

- You have to earn the bucket hat

- My friend brought in 7 bucket hats

- Hide the forks!

- The turtles tried to cross the road once

- I’m scared of turtles

- So does everyone just carry a sword around in their back pocket?

- When you’re fishing, anyone in a bucket hat has authority

- She has cheese on her hook!

- Are your knee pits moist?

- Why are you molesting me with water

- I was born vaccinated

- I was born to be a little spoon

- Why do I look like a hispanic man

- Can I tickle your knee pits?

- You’re going to get eaten by the ocean

- A- You’re a hot mess B- Hey! At least I’m hot!

- They’ve developed a handshake! Isn’t this a problem?!

- We’re in the OG thirteen colonies

- A- I’m not used to seeing those big grassy structures B- You mean trees?!

- My name is bagged milk

- You only drink bagged milk once, in Canada

- It’s not expensive, you’re just poor

- I forgot I’m a lady

- That’s you after I poop

- I want to be Brazilian

- I figured out what the voice was! They’re playing Bingo

- A- Do “coo coo” B- CAW

- It’s probably in a nice aisle, aisle 9

- So inside the bag there are 3 more bags full of milk

- Mom we got the bagged milk

- He told me I looked like Nicholas Cage

- Her bio says inhale the kale

- I feel like an easy bake oven

- The bags just like, left

- But what about the unicorns

- Look at that potato! That looks free!

- Everyone! Find a piece of metal and lick it

- I’m the toilet man

- Go fetch me grapes

- All girls want to molest this

- He ate a whole pancake out of an Applebee’s dumpster

- Why did he eat turf

- I’m on a mission to find dairy products

- I was going to go to school and pretend to be a witch

- Remember when you put the lotion in my mouth and I drank it?

- We’re playing quarter baseball

- Pretend you’re sleeping

- The ultimate frisbee association

- My mom picked me up from school so I could go to ultimate frisbee practice

- They got a $2000 grant for a barely existing ultimate frisbee team

- She’s ultra mom

- The dodgeball guy called my friend a walrus

- We did a dramatic reading of an adult novel

- He was buying materials to make a whip

- Grate her down like a piece of cheese

- We sat in a circle and named our most Jewish quality

- 4 is the cosmic number

- I hate being a fertile woman

- Excuse me I’m Jewish

- Surprise disco duet

- I shook like 7 tents

- She’s the strings teacher, we keep her in the basement

- Whenever we finished a test and we said “I’m done” he would say “I’m done! You’re finished!” his last name was Done

- I thought the fire hydrant was a turkey

- I asked him if his password was like an anniversary or something and he said “It’s the date of my grandparents death”

- He gives us weekly quantum physics lectures

- Bruh! That looks like a lunchbox!

- No offense but this guy would make out with a floorboard

- You seem like the kind of person to kiss a floorboard

- You sound exactly like my pediatrician

- Lots of poop, no sock

- She’s not doing her work, she’s looking at Peppa pig

- Yo neighbor, I need some sugar

- White moms are really easy to scare

- Even though it’s part of Asia, ITS NOT

- Why was there a hanging waffle?!

- I got complimented on my croissant

- You can sell your liver

- Bernie Sanders reminds me of a muppet

- WHY IS THERE A HELICOPTER IN THE KITCHEN!!!!

- What are you going to do? Hunt squirrels?

- *A bunch of AP students shouting “Linguini”*

- I got bitten by an iguana in Aruba

- We got an actor to join the hammock group chat

- Say goodbye to your ovaries

- I’m half a butt cheek away from death

- Are you one of those people who puts ice cream and pop tarts in a blender

- Yo! You got any shoes I can eat???

- That’s how you segregate your trail mix???

- He has a six pack of ribs

- I’m so done with books about African children

- Do homies kiss

- I’m here for the num nums

- Don’t touch my pizza you savage!!!

- HURRY UP AND MEDITATE

- What are you for Halloween? Jewish?

- Do ducks have tails

- He was the one that broke the constitution

- Oh god now there’s Hitler on my paper

- God given right of ruling... Manifest destiny in China

- Do you shampoo your eyebrows

- This isn’t Bayblade!

- Bob Ross wasn’t an artist, he was an art therapist

- If anyone on the team is a jellyfish, it’s definitely Brandon

- It’s your fault that I’m not going to college!

- I’m having spinach for dinner! I’m so excited!

- I locked him in his toolbox

- Let’s rent a midget for a day and we can throw him against a wall

- I know how to utilize money, but do I know how to utilize it well, that’s another question

- Man, that place needs a Chick-fil-a, and I’m going to make it

- We should have the purge in school one day

- If you’re weird enough, people won’t want to rape you

- Flex seal it with tape

- Oh yeah, I got vinegar all over my sweatshirt

- Don’t say “Have a good day”, because I’m not having a good day

- Well maybe someday you’ll have cancer

- What’s up guys, I’m from Richie’s pizza, and today I’ll be showing you my body count

- An obo sounds like a clarinet with Down syndrome

- I DONT HAVE ANY MARINARA SAUSCE ON ME RIGHT NOW

- WE WILL SMUGGLE OUR KIDS TO AMERICA

- I’m the jolly black giant

- You pissed off a priest

- If we get a lot of money, I can take her boyfriend to prom

- Ted Bundy would share a lot of ideas with you

- They’re doing a milk experiment... But with marinara

- A- That’s not a color! B- But it’s on a crayon!

- Hey what’s up cheese goblin

- I’m letting my toes breathe

- I’m just saying, tinfoil doesn’t taste that bad

- YOURE EATING IT YOU UNGRATEFUL SWINE

- When I was away were you in my house? Because it’s happened before

- How do you say I have scoliosis in Italian?

- I’m gonna give give birth to a duck, right here, right now

- Are you comparing a 3D printed violin to genocide

- I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE

- Brother from another mother, TELL ME ABOUT THAT

- I’m a vulture, just vulturing

- I’m going on a field trip to the sewage treatment plant on my birthday

- You’re making my vagina angry

- Competitive Just Dance team

- Oh no there’s spaghetti falling out of my pockets!

- (Yoda impression) Take anger out on minorities I must

- I can turn off the lights and you’d still be white

[forgedwild-arch]

𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑻.

repost, don’t reblog

basics !

FULL NAME. August Wesley Wilder NICKNAME. Gus. Gus the Grizzly. GENDER. Cis-Male (He/Him) HEIGHT. 6′9 AGE. unknown, physically appears around 55-60 years old. ZODIAC. taurus sun / libra moon / virgo rising. earth sign dominant chart babey!! SPOKEN LANGUAGES. fluent English, Spanish, and French. has picked up a little Dakota-Siouan from frequent run-ins with the Ghost Nation over the years. he’s not really fluent in it, just knows enough to talk himself out of trouble lmao.

physical characteristics !

HAIR COLOR. salt and pepper grey, with natural black undertones.  EYE COLOR. light hazel that fade to a deep forest green around the edge of the iris (central heterochromia) in both eyes. SKIN TONE. he’s white but he’s very sun-weathered and darkly tanned, with lots of sun spots and freckles all over his body. BODY TYPE. broad, big, bold and bear-ish. just the dictionary definition of a Gentle Giant. well, mostly gentle unless pushed. ACCENT. southern appalachian drawl. VOICE. deep, husky, and gravelly yet nothing short of soothing. his voice claim is Colter Wall. DOMINANT HAND. he’s ambidextrous! POSTURE. Gus is always generally seen standing tall and proud. he’s definitely a man who’s comfortable in his body, and the stark juxtaposition of his formidable physique and utterly gentle nature often catches the townsfolk and westworld guests by surprise.  SCARS. deep, jagged scars that run diagonally across his back and over his biceps. supposedly a bear gave him the scars when he fought one off a young boy. in reality, he fought a guest off one of the teenage hosts in one of his first loops, and said guest struck August down with a searing hot fire poker from his forge while the young android ran for safety. that was the first and last time Gus was ever killed during his loop, and he has rarely been updated since. TATTOOS. he has some beautifully intricate tattoo sleeves on both arms, each image representing one of his favorite western tall tales that he often retells to his forge guests (especially crowds of kids). Gus actually gave himself the tattoos to hide the scars on his arms (the ones he could reach anyway), and the westworld writers never corrected the feature since they found them aesthetically pleasing and appropriate for his host role as both a blacksmith and self-proclaimed cultural mythologist / historian of the town.  MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S). we stan a sweet old android with dimples and laugh lines. and those bright eyes of his visibly twinkle when he smiles!

childhood !

PLACE OF BIRTH. Technically? The Westworld Mesa Hub. But for his written backstory, his birthplace is unknown.   HOMETOWN. Hinton, West Virginia. a small railroad and coal town that sits at the edge of the New River in the Appalachian Mountains. when Gus was a boy, the town was essentially split between “trash” and “old money”. Gus came from the run-down side of the tracks, raised as a laboring blacksmith’s son, but he had a happy childhood. FIRST WORDS. “god dammit” after hearing his father shout it when he struck his thumb with a hammer. Almanzo found it hilarious, but also spent days trying to get the baby to say something else, ANYTHING else because the town population at the time was made of a few hundred southern baptists. suffice to say, Almanzo’s efforts were fruitless, and little baby August shouted it to the world in the middle of that sunday’s church service. his hometown community loved him dearly, but he’d always been labeled a little troublemaker ever since. and he was quite the prankster in his youth. all harmless of course. Gus hardly has a cruel bone in his body, but won his peer’s attentions and affections by being a bit of a class clown. SIBLINGS. none that he knows of. PARENTS. Almanzo “Manny” Wilder. should be noted that Almanzo is not August’s biological father. Gus was dropped at the door of his forge as a baby, and the identity of August’s biological family remains a complete mystery to both him and his caretaker. Almanzo played himself off as his biological dad for some time, but once Gus shot up to be about twice his old man’s size at age fifteen, well. he kind of figured it out on his own. he never resented Manny for it, though. in his mind, he is his real father. his only father. since he was the only one who was ever there for him. PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT.  Almanzo was a very attentive surrogate father and loved Gus with everything he had. Gus always had a sharp mind and vivid imagination as a kid, and Manny told him time and time again that his brain was far too big for a place like Hinton, always urging him to apply to those fancy universities along the coast or over in England and become a novelist or engineer. August looked up to his father however, and wanted to grow up to be just like him, and therefore was not only Almanzo’s child, but also his apprentice. He stayed in Hinton until Manny died from lung cancer, and by which August was about 25 years old or so and a freshly professional smith. He took over the family business, sought to pave his own way out west, and has been tending to the needs of the people in Sweetwater ever since.

adult life !

OCCUPATION. a blacksmith and self-proclaimed “cultural mythologist”. fancy way of saying he really loves to wow kids with the tall tales of the west. CURRENT RESIDENCE. his forge that sits on the edge of town. CLOSE FRIENDS. well he spends a lot of time with his two pets, Teddy Bear and Sundance Kid. they’re about the closest friends he has. oh he cares about the other hosts of Sweetwater, dearly! and he craves human connection something fierce. but his work (and his emotional walls) keeps him a bit too busy to really... dive deep in any of those friendships. sadly. RELATIONSHIP STATUS. single, although was married to @forgedwest​ in a past loop. FINANCIAL STATUS. he’s definitely not filthy rich, but growing up poor taught him to be good with his money and while he doesn’t have a luxurious life by any means, he has all he needs. lower class but not at all bothered by it.  DRIVER’S LICENSE. N/A. CRIMINAL RECORD. a few bar fights, but he was never guilty of starting them. just ending them.  VICES. if you ask August, he’ll say he sleeps in just a little too long on Sunday mornings, rolling and smoking hashish to unwind. if you ask me, i say don’t buy him more than three amaretto sours if you wanna have a drink with him. he can generally control himself and hold his liquor, but he can get to a point where he won’t stop lmao. luckily, he’s a happy drunk. also enjoys cigars, but smokes them more for celebration of special occasions. 

sex and romance !

SEXUAL ORIENTATION. bisexual ROMANTIC ORIENTATION. biromantic  PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE. submissive  |  dominant  |  switch   PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE. Submissive  |  dominant  |  switch ( he’s primarily a service top ) LIBIDO. average, i guess? i wouldn’t say his libido is anything insane, otherwise he’d REALLY be suffering being the lonely bachelor he is lmao. but he likes sex! TURN ONS. he loves a good sense of humor and has a weak spot for well-meaning troublemakers  TURN OFFS. people who take advantage of others. that’s a broad category, but it’s a personal thing. LOVE LANGUAGE. gift-giving, physical intimacy, protection and quality time! he’s not so good at expressing his feelings with words, but you will absolutely know if he fancies you because his actions will show it. you will NEVER wonder about his intentions. the old boy wears his heart on his sleeve. RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES. despite how obviously loving he is, August has a tendency to assume people don’t want to be with him. one could argue it’s likely rooted in an abandonment issue of some kind. Almanzo was a plenty attentive and very caring dad, but the knowledge that one was orphaned and dropped off on someone’s front step is would be a little jarring when just about anyone hears it. though it’s likely less so much that, and more so how his peers in school were downright TERRIFIED him just because of his intimidating physique alone (despite his kind nature). he was taken advantage of a lot in his youth due to just how naturally people pleasing he can be to compensate for his scary appearance, and his kindness was therefore mistaken often for stupidity. its a compulsion that he’s gotten better about controlling as he grew older, and is now much more discerning re: who deserves the clothes off his back. but little insecurities regarding it remains, and as such his assumption that no one harbors affections for him has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. August is very sweet and outgoing, plenty handsome, great with kids and would make a very loving husband and lifetime best friend! but he doesn’t exactly make himself romantically available.

miscellaneous !

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG. “ take me home, country roads ” by john denver. shocker, i know. HOBBIES TO PASS TIME. he’s a blacksmith by occupation, but August can make just about anything with any material you can think of. he’s a jack of all trades type, and spends a lot of his rare spare time gardening, sketching while he’s people-watching, writing stories, blowing glass, and creating little animals and character figurines from his stories out of hide / wood/ metal. the latter are gifts that he gives to any young park guests who come to the forge. he also likes playing his guitar or banjo and singing to himself on warm summer nights. MENTAL ILLNESSES. i mean. everything truly traumatic that ever happened to him was basically wiped clean from his slate so u kno. none. for now lmfao.  PHYSICAL ILLNESSES. N/A. LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED. right-brained, i guess. he can be plenty logical, but he’s definitely a creative type!  FEARS. there is a Vague Fear that he will die alone but it’s not pertinent enough to cause him a lot of anxiety. because he’s generally pretty independent. more so, it’s just a source of intense longing when he’s got a crush, but then he never actually acts on it. also, he’s got a bit of a fear of vulnerability. mostly because his kindness has been used against him plenty and no, it has not made him any less kind, but he doesn’t want that kindness tied into real emotional potency and then turned against him. vulnerability and intimacy also come with the pre-conceived knowledge of loss, because relationships ( be they romantic, friendships, family etc ) either end in break ups or death. and yes, it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, but that doesn’t make August’s unease re: loss any less real. SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL. hmmm. i’ll say about an 6 or 7 out of 10? he’s plenty sure of himself and his abilities, he just keeps himself humble like the well-mannered mountain boy he is. VULNERABILITIES. best way to hurt him is to strike anyone close to him. cares WAY MORE about others. though on a kind of....emotional note? personal note? idk. he’s quite aware of how he’s perceived to be a bit “simple-minded” all due to his accent. it’s something that Gus will get defensive about if you poke at him for it. not out of pride, but out of love for the people and culture from where he hails. he LOVES Appalachia deeply, and while he admires the west for all of its available adventure and promise, the people of the Blue Ridge Mountains remain the kindest he’s ever known. don’t talk bad about them, he’ll be quick to knock you into next tuesday. 

tagged by: @noiseofthunder​​ thank u grunk u always tag me in the Quality Shit (n this really helped me finally flesh some character basics out) tagging:  @forgedwest​ bc i’m the worst friend n force erin to do every dash game ever. also @copiesofme​​ @defactomatriarch​ @bountyman​ & thieves are valid.

[lordsicheng]

My guesses on Wanna One’s rising signs (1/3)

*disclaimer at the bottom.

What is the Ascendant / Rising sign?

“Your rising sign is the sign that shows how "others" see you, which is reflected in your first house. Once someone gets to know you, then they'll see more of your sun sign characteristics, but until that happens they'll form an opinion about you based on your rising sign. This means you take on the personality of the sign that rules your first house. 

For this reason, the ascendant is also concerned with how a person has learned to present him or herself to the world, especially in public and in impersonal situations. In some circumstances, it can therefore function as a shield or mask to guard a person's real nature - in other words the 'defense mechanism' every person has to cope with unfamiliar or uncomfortable situations. The ascendant also has a strong bearing on a person's physical appearance and overall health.”

Let’s Start!

Yoon Jisung – Gemini Rising

Personality Traits: fun, chatty, considerate, inquisitive, curious, quick-witted, friendly, sociable

Appearance Traits: slender, average to very tall heights as Gemini risings are also known as one of the tallest rising signs, plump lips, tends to have a longer face or nose, complexion can vary with somewhat pink to red undertones, fast movements (walking, talking, etc.)

Why I think he is a Gemini rising

Gemini Rising individuals are very witty, sociable and have a quirky sense of humor. Gemini is known to be the most sociable and talkative of all signs within astrology, which we can tell just by the very friendly vibe he gives when we see him. They are born with curious nature, often seeking knowledge just to feed their interest. However, these individuals are not the most emotional and seem more detached from others’ feelings. But thanks to the water in his chart, he is actually a little bit more sympathetic and receptive compared to others with Gemini risings that are fire or air dominant.

These people are also very adaptable and love to learn new things. Communication is their primal source of being able to learn new things from other people, even becoming popular in a sense at one point. They may even talk to themselves very often! However these learnings can come with a price; they will tend to get very bored easily and move from one talent to another, able to learn many things and yet unfortunately not master any of them. That’s the tricky thing, because unless they are abundant with earth placements in their chart, they may not be able to choose which path they would want for themselves in the future.

Again, this all depends on other aspects he has especially his houses (if we had his birth time, we would easily look at his 6th and 10th house for proper understanding of his future endeavors and what path he may be able to find himself comfortable in.)

Sungwoon – Cancer Rising

Personality traits: sensitive, motherly, nurturing, family-oriented, has strong desire to be in the spotlight, intuitive

Appearance Traits: short to average height, plump lips, weight can fluctuate but are usually on the lighter side, expressive eyes, face can be round to having prominent chins/jawlines, small hands and feet, youthful appearance, nose is usually short with a prominent tip

Why I think he is a Cancer rising

People born under the rising sign of Cancer are gentle, kind-natured and nurturing. They have strong intuitive thoughts, often sensitive to those surrounding them. There is a sense of childlike quality in them that can be mirrored through their eyes, as they are ruled by the moon, they can be the most expressive asset they have physically. They are attracted to change, especially for the betterment, and are good speakers especially with very prominent aspects with their Mercury to other planets. However, a trait that is commonly unseen within Cancer risings are that they tend to be energetic and lively, especially if paired with an air or fire sun sign.

Emotions can run through waters for Cancer risings. Their intuitive minds are able to remember things quite easily, even if it reaches the negative. May it be a past home, a past lover, or a past experience. They are also very detail-oriented and make very good homemakers. Being at home themselves, they can find much comfort and are able to grab energy just by being able to grow and have a nurturing environment. However, these natives may tend to be quite overemotional and tend to overthink, maybe even tend to care too much of others without thinking of themselves first. They also need lots of attention, may be quite sulky if not given proper attention too.

It is natural for Cancer placements to be very selfless, especially if it’s their Sun, Moon, Venus or rising sign. However, they feel the fulfillment when their emotions are validated. They are also into traveling, especially when around waters or even means of agriculture. May tend to fear harsh criticism but also accepting of it on their part, they see this as something they can always use themselves to improve, thanks to their acceptance of change.

Minhyun – Capricorn / Libra Rising

One of the few members I had a hard time trying to figure out on their rising sign. I ended up choosing two different signs.

Personality traits (Capricorn rising): respectful, patient, confident, strong work ethic, loyal, responsible, disciplined, cooperative

Appearance Traits (Capricorn rising):  average height, prominent nose and chin, skin leans slightly on the paler side, hair is usually quite dark, pleasant smiles

Personality traits (Libra rising): easygoing, charming, very friendly, peaceful, idealistic, artistic, tidy

Appearance Traits (Libra rising): slender / well-formed body, above average heights, graceful movements, dimples are also common for Libra risings, charming eyes, symmetrical faces

Why I think he is either rising signs

The typical Capricorn rising is deemed as serious, work-oriented and even-minded. However these individuals are also materialistic in a way, even though Taurus is told as the most materialistic when Capricorns are actually a step ahead. That’s the thing—Capricorn risings want to be a step ahead out of everyone. Their headstrong attitude and strong mind makes them very well-respected.

However behind all those seriousness, Capricorn risings are very thoughtful and considerate. If paired with a fire or air sun, they can even be less serious than most people who share the same risings. They’re usually quiet and ambitious, commonly deemed as the rising sign that has a very visible appearance of having the “resting bitch face” (RBF). They always mean well, however they are not the most gullible—they know what they exactly want, how they want it, when they want it. They could even reach the stars if they could! Because of their appearance as being cold and unemotional, they may tend to look very “restricted”, hence Capricorn is ruled by the planet of Saturn-- the planet of restriction. They do try to keep a very kind-natured aura as they are at home with the environment they are in.

-

Now, for Libra rising, are much known for wanting to bring everything into “balance”, even if they have to work for it to happen. They naturally have a kind appearance and also because it is an air sign, they are one of the more sociable signs. This is more evident if paired with a fire sun sign. They have a pleasant and agreeable aura which gains them natural attraction by those around them. Libra risings are also one of the most attractive signs because of their natural magnetism. A love of beauty, these individuals also tend to take care of themselves a lot, especially with their appearance.

Steadfast and courageous, they also are generous and giving just like Capricorn risings. However Libra risings may tend to be a bit susceptible and hate disorganization. They’re also very romantic and passionate, attracted to beauty in all forms whether it’s art or even music. They even value cleanliness as much as Virgo risings, maybe even more! Their expressions vary from kind to serious when in the spotlight, and like fire risings, they crave the spotlight and grab it with any chance they get. However they despise people who are boastful. If they come across people who show off themselves too much, their affection and even attention won’t even by given by the Libra rising natives.

Seongwoo – Libra rising

Personality traits (Libra rising): easygoing, charming, very friendly, peaceful, idealistic, artistic, tidy

Appearance Traits (Libra rising): slender / well-formed body, above average heights, graceful movements, dimples are also common for Libra risings, charming eyes, symmetrical faces

Why I think he is a Libra rising

I have explained a lot on Minhyun’s bit, but I will add a bit more since there are some characteristics I have noticed from Seongwoo as well.

We can see that he is one of the more comedic and friendly members, always looking out for other people. Also from what we have noticed, he is very naturally attractive! However when we see him, he shows a rather gentle and kind aura that makes him magnetic, his facial features even show this more. His chart is full of earth, where we usually see someone who is on the “earthy” side very serious. However our rising signs show how we present ourselves to the world and how others see us, even more than our sun sign.

Seongwoo is very known to be sociable and has had an active lifestyle, active as in very committing to the industry type of active. Unfortunately, Libra risings are also known to have middle leveled to weak stamina, which we’ve already heard from the other members. But with comes to his weakness, he’s also quite the charmer and he knows how to show off his talents. I, at first, guessed he had a fire rising. However, I’ve noticed he’s calmer than fire risings (not saying fire risings are wild or anything, just that he seems more… idk calm? At least in public LOL) because I’ve seen that thanks to his earth placements.

He also has a Leo moon, which shows he may seem to love to be on the spotlight more than we know—and if paired with a rising like Libra, he’s definitely a very magnetic persona in the public and on stage. Our eyes always seem to fall to him even at one point during performances.

Disclaimer: PLEASE note that all members don’t have their birth times. This is, like said on the title, are my initial guesses with explanations on the members’ rising signs. They may or may not be accurate, however you may interpret them. Please take my explanations with a grain of salt. Also please consider lifestyles when it comes to personalities and genetics on their appearances, they also play a huge part rather than focusing on astrological characteristics itself.

[factoronto]

MEET THE FAC 2018 RESIDENCY ARTISTS: Katrissa Singer

What, from your life or experiences, has influenced your work most? What do you hope to achieve in your art?

I have always used my art as a means of dissecting and analyzing my experience, so whatever is going on in my life at any given moment is bound to be reflected in what I create.

For the past several years I’ve mainly been making art that speaks to navigating life with chronic illness. I’ve explored this subject from many different angles in a wide range of media. A zine poking fun at prescription medication labels, a large photographic series confronting the embodied experience of being at the mercy of medical institutions, assemblage sculptures out of prescription medicine bottles, t-shirt designs referencing the spoonie subculture, a community-based art project aiming to de-stigmatize prescription medication use, street art encouraging self-compassion, and many other smaller projects came out of this period of discovering, denying, exploring and finally accepting my limitations. I don’t think that “accepting limitations” is the same as “giving up”. It is more about finding different ways to do things, adjusting one’s expectations, reassessing priorities, or allowing oneself to grieve and move on.

Lately I’ve been going through many different transitions simultaneously, and I’m often finding myself in liminal spaces. Sometimes I am finding it hard to adapt to always being in flux, and I yearn for certainty. At other times, being-not-quite-here-but-not-there-yet-either feels perfectly natural and even a bit exciting. This is why right now I am inspired by change and growth. I want to reconcile myself with my past and let go of the baggage that’s been dragging me down. I’ve been reading a lot about the effect trauma has on our minds and bodies, and how it restricts one’s ability to think clearly, feel pleasure and bond with others. And now, more than ever, I am looking to find a way to heal and become whole. Part of this process involves exposing things that haunt me to light. There is something extremely validating in sharing a part of yourself that makes you feel alone and realizing that, in fact, many others can relate. Another part of healing, the one that I am still struggling with, is imagining a future where things are different. I am still very tentative when it comes to making plans, but I am slowly becoming more confident. I am, once again, in the in-between stage, not stuck in the past all the time yet not fully free of its burdens, still afraid to face the future, but planting seeds in the present that will hopefully thrive.

As for what I hope to achieve in my art… that’s a pretty complex question. I create for primarily selfish reasons; art makes me happy. It gives me a voice. It consoles me when nothing else can. It excites me. I am hoping that it will continue to do all these things for me, and also for others. I tell stories through my art, and if these stories help someone feel more present and connected, even for a moment, it brings me joy. I want my art to open minds, even if it sometimes means making someone feel a bit uncomfortable. Several of my projects exploit discomfort to deliver the message: Please Be Patient, for example, that will be featured in the Exposed exhibit at Scotiabank Festival involved getting my models out of their everyday clothes and into a thin paper hospital gown, making a statement about the depersonalization that occurs when individuals face institutions. I want my art to continue doing what it is doing right now, but to do it better. But most of all I wish to be able to continue creating art. I am worried that I won’t be able to afford my art practice for much longer. I am trying to “sneak” art into my future career, and I am hoping I succeed. This year, I joined Workman Arts, and they have been an amazing support. I got some training, exhibition opportunities, a few gigs, and my first grant through them, and I am incredibly grateful that this organization exists.

Can you speak to the variety of materials and methods you use in your art and why you have chosen them?

When I first imagined becoming an artist, I thought I would draw and paint. That’s pretty much what an average person asks me when I say I’m an artist: “What do you paint?” It was pretty heartbreaking for me to realize that while I am competent at both drawing and painting, I’m not in any way outstanding. At some point I gave up on art entirely because I’ve been taught that I will never be successful unless I’m absolutely amazing. I had a very limited view of what doing art can look like, and it took me a while to question where these assumptions came from, deconstruct them and shift my perspective.

Seeing art as a means of achievement rather than of expression was part of this toxic set of beliefs. Part of the process of embracing art as a way of life was discovering new media. You can use pretty much anything to make art. I have always looked up to artists who appear to effortlessly combine disparate elements and create something greater than the sum of its parts. I am drawn to contrast and reconciling the opposites.

When I am immersed in exploring new techniques and materials I get to reconnect with a sense of wonder I feared I’d lost. I allow myself to play. I feed my curiosity. I rediscover my zest for life. The downside to working in multiple media is that sometimes the learning curve is too steep and I can get frustrated and lose interest. The advantage is that I discover - often by chance - ways to transcend limitations of various media and make something that is needed. I am a synaestete, meaning that my sensory perceptions are sometimes blended: I can taste color, see sounds, etc., so engaging with new concepts and materials can be like cooking, except sometimes I set out to make a steak and discover a new flavour of ice cream.  

I am also an avid collector of oddities. I found Jesus (a baby from a nativity scene) on the sidewalk once. I love beach combing, and going to thrift stores. I see worth in things others consider to be trash, and I am often inspired by things I find littering the sidewalks. I joke that I can relate to discarded objects, because I too am broken and not very useful. Humor makes it easier to cope with the fact that my existence as an artist is directly at odds with capitalist culture, since my art practice has very little commercial value. I tackle subjects that are often quite unpalatable to the general public, and the images I produce are not the kind you’d find displayed in people’s living rooms. The saying about how art should disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed resonated with me deeply, and I often do just that.

In “Message in a Bottle”, you use pill bottles with anecdotes from individuals living with illnesses or disabilities. Is there a significance to the title of this work? Why do you think these stories are important to tell?

Ever since I read about it as a child, I have been fascinated by the idea of putting a message in a sealed container and releasing it into a body of water, hoping that it would someday be found and read.  I often daydreamed about being mired on a deserted island, and I would weave elaborate narratives about what I would do to survive and ultimately escape - a pastime many misunderstood loners could probably relate to.

When I was in the final year of my Bachelor of Fine Arts, I found myself feeling increasingly isolated - I was reeling from a cancer scare, a recent breakup, and the death of my cat. The results of the 2016 US Presidential election left me feeling absolutely hopeless: as an immigrant, a non-binary person assigned female at birth, a disabled person - I felt afraid and heartbroken for people south of the border whose lives would be negatively impacted by the change of government. I buried myself in schoolwork to cope, I wanted to feel numb but I just felt sore all over, all the time. One day I was cleaning and I came across a dozen of old medication bottles. They were mostly empty, and many were from medications I wish I hadn’t taken. I wanted to do something with them - make them part of a memorial to misdiagnosis, maybe. I didn’t have enough, so I hit up a few of my friends for empties. Then when someone dropped off an unfinished bottle of the same medication that gave me awful side effects, I wondered if they had experienced similar issues. I reached out to them and sure enough, their experience was similar to mine: the doctor had dismissed their concerns and told them to increase their dosage and come back in a few months. I felt angry. I needed to do something. As much as I felt like it, I couldn’t go yell at my doctor, because it wouldn’t change anything.

I remembered that my friend sounded relieved when I reached out to them and shared my own experience. I asked them if they would be comfortable sharing their experience with others, anonymously, via a handwritten note inside the bottle with a partially peeled off label. They said “yes”, and I put a call for submissions out of social media. I thought I would get maybe ten “bites” and use the bottles and the messages as part of my upcoming exhibit on chronic illness. I had an incredible initial response, however, and received about thirty entries in two months. I ended up scanning the bottles and their contents, and the “Message In a Bottle” series was the main work featured in my first solo exhibit titled “Spoonderland”. Throughout the duration of the exhibit, I had many people contact me, saying that they were profoundly affected by reading the messages. I decided I would continue to accept submissions, hoping to eventually exhibit again. Then I realized that if I were to confine my work to a physical space, many of the people who need to see this material the most would be unable to access it. I started Message in A Bottle Blog online, sharing one entry a week. I was aiming to keep it alive indefinitely; however, it has been difficult to collect submissions in the past six months.  I have not shared my own story on the blog yet, because I was hoping to do so on its second anniversary, which is eleven months away.  I’ve tried my best to solicit a diverse pool of respondents, but I found that the project had a few “blind spots”: voices of persons of color (especially men), cancer patients, HIV+ individuals and their partners, and people under eighteen and over sixty were conspicuously absent. I realize that there are many reasons for this, but I feel that the project is incomplete and has room to grow. I would like to continue with Message in A Bottle, but I need help. This project was created to break down stigma and give people a safe platform to share their experiences. I truly believe that sharing one’s stories of prescription medication use: the good the bad, and the ugly, can shift the existing power dynamics between doctors and patients by making people better informed about risks and benefits of certain medications and empowering individuals to advocate for themselves when they are in need of medical treatment.

You can find the Message In A Bottle Project Blog here: https://messageinabottleproject.tumblr.com

Message in A Bottle Project is still accepting submissions: https://messageinabottleproject.tumblr.com/guidelines2sub

[ellaintrigue]

Roll the dice! A saying, of course, known from gambling, but also superstition. Superstition can be fun, if used harmlessly. This winter, after my mom was diagnosed with late stage cancer, I took comfort in anything that I could, including a silly novelty, a lucky rock. I throw it down each day for shits and gigs, and also use it to meditate. If I roll it or balance it between two fingers it works as a distraction against my anxiety.

But while rolling the dice is meaningless, we can use that saying for what life does... it rolls the dice on us. Everyone is different, and there are so many random occurrences, the planet is an endless enigma. We live, breed, and die.

But not all of us breed. A childless man may go somewhat unnoticed, but a childless woman is stigmatized heavily, and at random. It is society's way: even in a largely liberal word, instinct takes over. "The norm." I've been targeted randomly by trolls: https://ellaintrigue.tumblr.com/…/so-many-trolls-on-meetme-… I've been shamed in the dating scene, I've been regarded as a freak by my fellow women. One guy told me I would never be happy unless I gave birth because that is what women are supposed to do.

But I never wanted to. I decided that at 16, and came out about it at 22, telling my parents I never wanted children. They were hurt, but I can't sacrifice myself for others. And people have said, "but your parents sacrificed themselves for you." Yes, my parents have given me everything. They wanted to. And I would give them everything. But I do not want to sacrifice my health, sanity, and life for an unwanted child.

I have simply never wanted children, and now as my health issues further descend upon me it is unquestionable that physically having one would be unideal. But I rarely bring that factor up because my disinterest and emotional choice to not have a child in the reigning point here.

I could PROBABLY hold a pregnancy. It would probably be an underweight kid, and no doubt inherit some of my health issues, including mental, just like with my dad and grandmother. It would probably cry a lot from having fetal alcohol syndrome but I could put it in another part of the house, right? I really never liked babies so maybe it could spend most of the time with its grandparents. I could probably get mad welfare using it and work less. The father could even move with me and feed it and stuff because I have very little patience and get annoyed having pets at this point. I have a compromised immune and fucking hate shit, scooping litter is my limit. So the baby daddy could wipe its butt and stuff, comfort it, feed it, deal with it. I also hate the way babies smell, they have that weird smell to them. And their skin feels disgusting.

Society wants me to do that. Society wants women to conform and breed, whether they are fit for it or not, because women are still not regarded as equals. Yet society shits when a mother kills her child. Of course that's a sick woman. But maybe, we should raise young girls to be aware of all of their options: careers, college, and anything that strikes their interest. Not that women shouldn't stay home and have babies, but because not all women are meant to be mothers. People tell me the world would go extinct if people thought like me... but there is no shortage of people. People will always breed, and I am okay with that. But I don't want to. I don't want to harvest an alcohol baby with bad genes because society and pro-lifers tell me too.

I clicked The View off yesterday when it came on TV because I hate talk shows, but before I did, the woman on the screen pointed out that pro-lifers protest abortion but when unwanted children are born, they want funding and welfare stopped. That is so true. Someone said to me a lot of babies up for adoption are African American or have drugs in their system, etc. So, why don't all of these white conservative pro-lifers adopt them? I said that to someone and they got angry with me and called me racist.

No. We are all equal in the eyes of God. Black, white, male, female, etc. How am I being racist in thinking that a good stable pair of white pro-life Christian conservatives should adopt a black baby and give him/her a good life with opportunities?

I have said this theory to several conservative men and they absolutely lost their shit on me, but couldn't argue back with any real logic. I suppose I am a huge bitch but it all started when they said they were family-oriented and pro-life and I said why abortions are needed, and that existing kids should be adopted. One dude told me to fry in hell.

I have to confess something: I used to always say I didn't want kids because I hated them. Because people demanded to know why I didn't want kids, from bosses when I worked years in retail, to dating prospects, to random fucking family friends, and even store customers. Strangers in public have asked if I had kids and then asked why not. One woman said to me "when you have kids" and when I said "I don't want kids" she became completely offended.

So, as a defense mech, I snarled at people that I hated kids to get them off my back. And that is wrong, I don't hate anyone. But I was being victimized by breeder bullies that could not accept that a woman could be more than a childbirth machine.

Mom posted a blog the other day venting about everyone bragging about their grandchildren, in part because my cousin had another baby this week. Mom wanted grandkids and is sad she won't get them but it was a harmless rant that did not shame me in any way. And her friends replied, saying she simply didn't understand the joy. These coldhearted, close-minded seniors never considered my mother couldn't have grandkids. One of them posted, "Have to tell you guys, you don’t get it until it happens to you. There is something deeply fulfilling in seeing your Children’s children. It’s almost a form of immortality, if you will. My Granddaughter fills me with love and pride and my Grandson who died of cancer at age 10 months will forever be a part of me. Raising children is hard. Having Grandkids almost seems like a reward!"

The point of mom's blog was that simply breeding was not reason for celebration because anyone can do it, even animals. But of course her point was deeply lost in the comments of white rural conservatives, whose only accomplishment in life was, well, having a shitton of kids and grandkids. Laughable.

And you know, there is no plight here on my part. I am comfortable with my choice, and there is no jealousy or urge for children. As I mentioned before, I am very comfortable with my liberal cousins because they would never question my choices and respect all women. I was excited to see my distant cousin's new baby and her other little girl is fucking precious, she should be a model. Those cheeks, omg. Then my first cousin, who I talk to regularly has two well-raised kids I have not met yet but would like to. They are clearly smart and creative and I want to know all of my relatives! There is no hate in my heart for children, and no jealousy over any of the other families of those I know.

If only we could all just co-exist as individuals instead of deeply judging the personal reproductive choices of others. I largely overlook huge religious families and the like, many of which who do not believe in birth control. But when people try to normalize reproduction to the point where anyone without children is judged then that is where I speak up.

...And to think of all the women/couples that want children and cannot have them, and the cold disregard for them in all of this hysteria... that really lets you know that we are all just animals... fucking, breeding, and mindless to anything but ourselves...

[heymich]

My unlikely pro-life, pro-science, pro-God views, Part 4

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

So back to where I left off in part 3.

Why Michelle? I hear also, often people saying:

“I just had my 3 kids in 3 years and I was done. It’s just easier to get it over with”

I agree that sounds very attractive, but it doesn’t fit my world view. More in Part 4. There will probably be a part 5 as well.

What is my worldview on this issue?

I believe fertility is a gift from God and is purposeful. I didn’t always think this way. There is a type A, controlling part of me that would love to know what my future holds, and that I could have more say on the issues of my body and my future. 

A lot of people tend to questions or comments like this: 

“So, when are you going back to work?”

“Oh the little years are really hard, but... they’ll be off to school and then you can have your life back again.”

How does a family decide that they are “done” having children??

I remember feeling paralyzed for a season of life, wondering what my future holds and asking God how much control am I allowed to have regarding these decisions of my reproduction. I was in need of encouragement during the “little years” have having 2 kids under 4 and wondering where this all was coming to, and what to do with all the comments people make, and what people assume a woman is supposed to do with their reproductive years. 

I visited a mother’s retreat in May 2018, with plenty of “large family” mothers. It was a wonderful testimony to me, and the sanity (or insanity depending on your outlook) I needed to see. Women using their reproductive years for what God intended... making babies and raising them for the Lord! I met a 42 year old who was expecting her 13th child and basically has had a child every 2 years. I met a woman who brought her last child with her, a 10 year old that she gave birth to in her late 40′s. From where I am, some people might regard that as wasting your career opportunity or wasting your life. But I would like to turn it around, to what I consider as a God’s point of view of using your life the way God intended it (especially as a married fertile person) and giving your life up (in a worldly sense) that you might gain what is truly sense (in a godly sense). 

So yeah, I do hope to be a “pregnant grandma”. It’s a crazy dream in some ways. I hope my daughter marry young (as the Lord wills) and that I get to be a grandmother maybe in my 40s and... be pregnant with my own little one. Not because I want to be a pregnant grandma per se. I just want to be faithful to use the fertility that God has given me. If that doesn’t happen, then that’s okay.

I can hear questions and concerns like: 

“Oh won’t you be really tired?” 

“Isn’t that risky for you, and the baby?”

My response is that when you are young, having a baby is going to be tiring. And with anything in life there is a level of risk. We do what we can to stay healthy and fit and if God grants us children, who am I to reject this gift? 

To the parent who says they had 3 kids in 3 years and they are done... I wouldn’t be able to do that unless it was clear to me that it was truly life threatening for me to have more children (then again, I am on the fence on that issue, actually). I am fearful of saying no to God when it is so, so clear to me that God gets to make the call on my fertile years and if he gives me fertility and I am married, it would be just selfish and disobedient for me to be dodging children, and even dodging my husband. 

For those who are told they have life threatening issues I can’t really say too much other than I don’t know your health history and I am not a doctor. However I have heard of stories of women who continued to have successful pregnancies even though their doctors told them not to have more. Sorry my view of doctors at this point is pretty low. I think God knows what he’s doing. Call me crazy, but I want to seek His wisdom and not my own. And truthfully I haven’t been in the shoes where I have been told this kind of news but I have had health care professionals cast burdens on me because of things that happened in my past that were simply not true of the present (E.g. my traumatic birth experience of bleeding too much and PTSD). I believe with each pregnancy things can be made new and God determines life... and death as well. I met a mom of 7 (now 8 coming soon) that compared her life to a missionary. She says missionaries are willing to die for their faith, she thought why wouldn’t she be willing to die for her faith by obeying God in this area? (I know this stuff is really sensitive... who would want to lose their spouse over child birth? But it happens whether you know you are at risk or not... does that mean we just compromise our faith to avoid death? Is it really to each their own??) It’s really is odd to me how we can sometimes compromise to avoid death and call it stewardship, yet we are willing to honor certain measures to risk our lives for the sake of proclaiming the Gospel. What if living out our faith doesn’t mean just dying for preaching the good news but trying to be faithful in all things and proclaim that Jesus is Lord over every area of your life no matter what the cost is? What does good stewardship mean, if it requires me to compromise my God-given convictions? Are there just some convictions we ought to die for, and some that are not worthy of dying for since we have “wisdom” we can use to “steward” that God has given us? 

“Oh I’m too old to have children” I hear women in their mid 30s or in their 40′s say... well perhaps you are older but their are plenty of women who didn’t have children in their 20s who try so hard to make all the eggs count before their fertility dwindles and these women are in their 30s, and 40s. So for me, as a person who started having kids in my 20s, who am to say to God, “I’m done” when God isn’t done?

FYI, there are also health BENEFITS to being pregnant and breastfeeding. Did you know that the fewer periods you have in your life, the less likely you will get things like ovarian cancer, and breastfeeding is also good for not just baby but for the child. Talk about pro-life for mother and baby! And not only that, God created our bodies and I totally see this as a God thing. 

“Oh I’m not ready for kids yet, we have to save up to buy X, Y, Z. It would be irresponsible to have kids if we can’t provide for X, Y, Z”. 

This is where I wonder where the couple’s priorities lie. Man- are you willing to work and provide for your family? Woman- are you willing to be open to the wonderful task of child bearing? Husband and wife- have you considered God’s first instruction to humankind was to be fruitful and multiply? I don’t think this “optional”. Neither do I think this is mandatory for those who aren’t able to conceive. Neither do I think this mandate is limited to physical offspring as I know Jesus enlightens us with the great commission and that God desires “godly offspring”. However I don’t want these other issues to distract me from what I’m actually talking about. The biologically NORMAL outcome of CHILDREN from a godly MARRIAGE is a GOOD thing and a GOD thing. Why, Christian would you not WANT such a GOOD thing from GOD? Sorry but (wait, I’m not really sorry, sorry), I am very passionate about these questions and desiring earnestly to find satisfying answers on this. I never thought myself to be passionate about much growing up so this is very surprising to me... 

It’s just clear to me about God’s design (what should be normal), and I’m sensitive to the issue that if there is lack of Biblical teaching in a certain area of life the world is happy to swoop in and teach us it’s ways if we aren’t cautiously comparing our thoughts to the word of God. God’s word never changes! Our circumstances might change but God’s word doesn’t. I can’t be the judge of all circumstances and I know there’s always more to the story than I have been given so I will try to keep asking questions, give people the benefit of the doubt and seek to understand. *exhale*

Further questions to consider... this is becoming an exhausting topic as it isn’t simple. But at the same time it is though... isn’t it? 

- What if you feel called by God to do a certain ministry that requires you to have fewer children?  - If you do choose to reduce the amount of potential children in your family, how do you go about doing that in a way that honours the Lord and does not compromise God’s other commands and intentions for your life? - Does “pro- life” mean having tons of kids?  - Is it ever irresponsible to have “too many” children? - How do you desire something while trusting in the sovereignty of God?  - Is our perception of choice, and control a reality or merely something we perceive as reality when it really isn’t the case?

More of my thought’s wrestlings, I can’t really say how many parts there will be anymore lol. Thank you for reading and for those who inspire me to write. I earnestly desire that we have a common faith in the Lord Jesus and live like Jesus is Lord. I understand this issue isn’t a primary issue but it is dear to my heart and I don’t want to compromise and I want to build up those who are desiring to work out their salvation, as I am trying to as well. Love and blessings.

[readingsbylibramc]

birth chart reading for @annaoop

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a seesaw shape. your life focuses on different ideals and interests, often constrasting between each other. from one side, this gives you the ability to be adaptable and find solutions easily. on the other hand, you may struggle with balance; for example, you might find yourself dedicating your life to your relationships, neglecting your ego or viceversa. you need to learn how to harmonize these energies.

your dominant planets are the moon, saturn and mercury. you're an intelligent and hard-working person with strong morals and beliefs. you're probably very witty, you like communicating and hearing about others' opinions, but you also enjoy your alone time. you're actually quite secretive, and you may also be quite emotional and moody.

your dominant sign is cancer. you seek emotional security in life. you need to feel grounded, you're most likely extremely cautious about the decisions you make. you're also very sensitive and compassionate of others, even though you could get slightly passive from time to time.

your dominant element is water. you're very intuitive and empathetic, you care a lot about others, and you may seem like a healer to people you know. in fact, you always try to help them if you can, almost in a therapeutic way. you're also very spiritual, and you're attracted to anything related to discovering your higher self and soul purpose.

🌍 ascendant in capricorn, 23° / 3rd decan ruled by saturn and mercury

the most intelligent and approachable capricorn decan. you're a vivacious person, yet your heavy capricorn influence may make you feel restricted to share your vitality with others. others' first impression of you is that you look like some sort of authority, someone who needs to be respected. even when you're joking, you still have this seriousness to your aura that is hard to go unnoticed. you care about your manners, and just your overall impression in general. you may take extra care of your clothes, your makeup, hair etc. you don't want to look disorganized, in fact you probably own an agenda or even just write your appointments somewhere. you have a cautious approach to the world, you're very responsible, especially when people you love are involved. you may have a resting bitch face, even though your jupiter and sun dominant probably help you mitigate this. generally speaking, you still have a serious look on your face that looks quite intimidating. you also look introverted, and you most probably are. you're very modest, and that's because you're secretly kind of insecure about your appearance. you always feel like you're not enough, and that you constantly have to improve yourself to be accepted. this gets better with time, though. physically, you're probably very beautiful and don't realize it! especially with your scorpio midheaven. you may have an amazing bone structure, with high cheekbones, a defined jawline and naturally straight, pleasant teeth. you may probably also have an amazing posture and walk, even though you may suffer from scoliosis or other bones diseases in your early years. also, since you have a cancer sun, you may have more rounded features than other capricorns, like a round face, plump lips, big eyes, etc. you may also tend to bloat a bit.

capricorn ascendant opposite capricorn mercury: you appear as a very intelligent individual, and people may even feel intimidated by that. you love interacting with others; even if you're not much talkative, you like hearing about others' theories and opinions. you could also do that by reading blogs, books etc. you may sometimes find yourself in conflict with others, as you’re very opinionated and hate it when others’ opinions are baseless. pretty much, you could seem like a know-it-all. on the other hand, you have a nice sense of humor, you're able to light up the room with your words, even though this quality of yours may be overshadowed by introversion at first. yet, since your mercury is in cancer, I feel like this may manifest more as a passive-aggressive behaviour for you. you may often pretend to be innocent just to avoid conflicts, especially since your mercury is conjunct your venus.

🌞 sun in cancer, 7° / 1st decan ruled by the moon

this is the softest, most affectionate and emotional cancer decan. even though you may not show it due to your capricorn rising's influence, you’re actually very vulnerable and sensitive. you may be a crybaby, as crying is a way to vent your emotions. you may even overreact, and be considered too dramatic. you’re extremely moody; you could be all happy and relaxed with your friends, then suddenly you get sad, or even angry. it’s hard to deal with this, especially because your emotions are quite intense. this could make you argue a lot with your peers. even though it takes you a while to find someone willing to stay, when that moment finally comes you’ll embody cancer’s best trait: that is, you’ll become a ‘mother’ to your friends, lover etc. you have a very nurturing soul, you have a knack for affection and care, and you could even get kind of clingy, even though you may feel limitated to give your love to someone else. cancer is a cardinal sign, hence you may be the one to take initiative, yet you do it undirectly. you’re probably the passive-aggressive type, especially since you have a whole stellium in cancer. you’re most likely also quite patient, even though you don’t forgive easily. once someone tries to take advantage of you, it’s over for them.

cancer sun conjunct cancer venus: you enjoy peace and harmony. you want your surroundings to look all neat and clean, and the same goes for the people you surround yourself with. you wish people saw you as easy to approach, even though you may sometimes struggle with your image. you try to be as formal and kind as possible with people you don’t know well, unless they start getting on your nerves by disagreeing with your opinions or being too bossy. you’re very feminine, not only in your looks and manners but also in the way you dress. you’re quite romantic too, and dream of having a perfect marriage. the downside to this aspect is that because you take so much care of yourself, people may mistake your self-love for vanity. also, your self-esteem may depend too much on others’ opinion of you; you may start thinking you’re ugly and unworthy of love just because someone told you you’re not their type, to sum up.

cancer sun conjunct cancer mars: with this placement, you may be more straight-forward than the typical cancer. you are very impulsive and honest above all, you say things as they are. you don't get hurt easily, you're able to be very brave when you want to, and even if you do get emotionally hurt, you know how to stand up for yourself again. you strive to achieve your goals and make your dreams come true, you're an hard-worker. some may call you impatient, and you may actually be, but in reality you just can't wait for things to happen. for example, let's suppose you're going to the mall to buy the playstation you always wanted. you'd start only thinking and talking about that playstation until you actually get it in your hands. you get easily excited. also, this is another placement that indicates that it's hard not to notice you. you have a very strong charisma that makes others stare. you strive to be the number #1 at whatever you do, you're a serious competitor and you'd do anything to win and achieve your goals.

🌙 moon in gemini, 0° / 1st decan ruled by mercury

the most intelligent gemini decan. you're very curious about the world, you always want to be informed about the latest news and everything that surrounds you in general. this could make you love gossip and journalism, for example. in fact, you're quite chatty, you love talking to others, and you're likely to have a good sense of humor as well. you live to fill up your mind with knowledge, and you love sharing what you learn with others. in some cases, you may even come off as a bit of a know-it-all. you're really practical and logical, even though you don't lack intuition either thanks to your heavy cancer dominance; this is good, as it's obviously a heavy mental work that makes you even smarter, and as a result you don't have the tendency to over-analyze your emotions. you're also quite moody, and you go from being full of energy and sociable to isolating yourself. I also assume that you may hide your feelings, even if you don't do it consciously. e.g, you may make jokes about them. even though you don't realize it, it's a sort of self-sabotaging mechanism, as you're literally exposing your weak points to the world and enhancing your flaws. aside from that, I still think that people perceive you as very likeable, especially when you feel comfortable in the environment you are in. you're naturally flirty and charming, and people take note of that.

gemini moon conjunct taurus jupiter: this placement makes you extremely likeable and benevolent. you're very open-minded, you hardly ever judge someone, you give off very positive vibes. you may be quite optimistic, or at least more optimistic than the typical cancer, you like looking for solution and at the bright side of things. you're probably quite lucky, you always manage to avoid bad situations somehow, even though this placement could be altered by the fact that your moon and jupiter also conjunct your saturn; perhaps, you may come from a more unpleasant background, you could lack confidence and hence you may not assert yourself when taking new challenges. yet, as time goes by and you become more mature, you understand how to approach and overcome those challenges. as a result, you'll probably start seeing this luck of yours later in life, and it may manifest in your future family with your spouse and possible children.

gemini moon conjunct taurus saturn: you tend to hide your emotions under a severe, strict mask. the way you approach others is influenced by your sense of defensiveness, making you lack genuinity. this comes from a fear of intimacy and dealing with your inner, deeper self. it's like you're hiding from your own emotions, so of course you will never be able to express them properly if you're not aware of them. to learn saturn’s lessons, you need to overcome your trust issues and possible introversion. find someone you truly trust and feel comfortable with, and then open up to them; it’s only a small step, but once you become more comfortable with someone else, you’ll start feeling much better. this placement can also indicate that your home environment could have been strict or even violent at a certain point, it probably wasn't much peaceful, but thanks to your moon being also conjunct to jupiter, a benevolent planet, you probably know how to detach from possible unfortunate events. in fact, those hardships probably made you grow up in the much more mature and responsible person that you are today.

🗣 mercury in cancer, 18° / 2nd decan ruled by the moon and pluto

you don't really rely on logic. you're very emotionally intelligent, and you take in consideration others' feelings when you speak. even though you may be impulsive and blunt sometimes, you don't do it with malice at all. you may actually feel guilty after you realize that you've hurt someone. you may be sort of manipulative, as you're very observant of others' behaviours. because of that, you may be extremely good at interacting with others, since you know how to speak to people when you don't let your impulsiveness get over you. you know how to persuade others, even though you may not even realize it. if you manage to balance your moon and your mercury, I think it would give you great social skills. you'd be able to stand up for yourself, while also being mindful and conscious of the effect of your words on others. you may get defensive quite easily, and because of that you may become a bit secretive. that's because, deep down, you feel the need to be understood to fully convey and express your emotions. you want to feel at home with your interlocutor, otherwise you'll just be awkward. on the other hand, you have a nice sense of humor, you're able to light up the room with your jokes. your voice may be nasal, but pretty much very gentle as well.

cancer mercury conjunct cancer venus: this placement confirms your struggles to open yourself to the world. you’re insecure that your thoughts and ideas may be judged negatively by others, hence you just bottle them up with your feelings. this aspect is mostly positive, though! you’re probably a good singer, or at least you have a very calm tone of voice that is pleasant to hear. you’re able to see both sides of an argument, hence you may be good at helping people making up. you could actually be suited for psychology! you may also earn money through your voice and thoughts, so you could be a writer, a journalist, an actress, a singer etc. this placement assures that you may be sociable, or at least that you have great social skills.

❤️ venus in cancer, 12° / 2nd decan ruled by the moon and pluto

when it comes to love, you're extremely affectionate. you need someone who connects to you emotionally, it matters way more than physical attraction. in a partner you look at their manners, not at their appearance, and hence you're probably not the type to fall in love at first sight. you most likely dream of building a family with your future spouse, you want to be a parent not only to your child but also to your spouse. you like nurturing others, you may be attracted to younger or even immature people that need to be 'saved' by someone to become mature, or perhaps you're the one who craves to be nurtured in a relationship. you probably love being called 'baby', 'honey', 'sweetheart'... this type of names that you find extremely sweet. you may also get clingy at times, as you're most likely very fond of pda and skinship as well. the downside to this placement is that cancer brings sensitivity to whatever placement occupies. that means that you get extremely sensitive when it comes to love, and hence you may be the type to get extremely sad, even depressed, after a break-up, or perhaps you could start caring more about your partner's feelings than yours, becoming quite accommodating, so beware of that now that you know it. don't forget to keep your individuality safe.

cancer venus conjunct cancer mars: you are very serious when it comes to love. you seek intense, long-lasting relationships, filled with both romance and passion. ironically, you tend to attract people that are the opposite, who are way too serious and almost boring when it comes to love. that could afflict your self-worth significantly, as you feel unlucky in love. loving you is an adventure; you enjoy fun, exciting relationships. you're the type who's looking for a risktaker, even dangerous partner. you hate boredom, and this may be your weakness regarding this placement; that is, once the relationship starts getting more serious, you feel as if it's going down, when it's actually the opposite. hence, you just run towards a new adventure. yet, since your mars and venus are both in cancer, I assume you don't like changing partners too often, you still want someone that feels like family to you, but that also knows how to make you step out of your comfort zone.

☄️ mars in cancer, 8° / 1st decan ruled by the moon

in life, you have the need of feeling grounded and stable. you want to feel secure, and that makes you think deeply about your decisions, you don’t rush them. you’re not much impulsive, you think deeply about what to do and / or say, you are very cautious. this sense of being careful makes you quite indecisive, especially since you also have your sun, mercury and venus in the sign of cancer. you may change your mind often, or perhaps it takes you a lot to finally make a decision because you kept changing your mind. you tend to try and be collected whenever someone is getting on your nerves, but your feelings are extremely intense to totally bottle them up. you either get slightly passive-aggressive, and hence you could get very sarcastic and call them out indirectly, or perhaps you just lose your temper and face them angrily. possibly, you could even be the type to bottle up all of your feelings, until you explode all of a sudden. that can also make you more furious than normal, as you have all these repressed, strong feelings inside of you that were screaming to get out. you’re also extremely protective of your loved ones, especially of your family.

🏡 houses, interceptions

your 1st house is in capricorn. neptune and uranus are both here as well. with these three planets here, you seem less intimidating than the typical capricorn rising. in fact, you may look more on the dreamy, reserved side. uranus also makes you stand out from the crowd, you’re very charismatic in your own way. your body may be more elongated, you may be tall or at least you have a prominent vertical line. with your first house in capricorn, you care a lot about your status and about your goals. you always give the best of yourself, and you want to be acknowledged and praised for your achievements. it helps boosting your self-esteem, even though you may have the tendency to think that the compliments you receive aren’t honest. you are most likely a very maternal individual. you probably love your family, or just the idea of having a family in general; you could be the mom friend of your group, as you come off as someone very nurturing.

your 2nd house is in pisces. your relationship with money may not be totally stable; you may get distracted easily, and you could lose your money around. you could be quite messy, overall, or in general, this is usually a placement that indicates sudden money loss. this placement also confirms that your self-esteem isn’t stable either; you could be quite insecure, and you may idealize a lot the way you look. for example, you could think that you have an ugly nose when it’s actually the opposite. same goes for your belongings; you may think that you have saved loads of money, you spend them, and then you realize you didn’t really have much. the ruler of the 2nd house is in the 1st house: you could increase your self-esteem through spiritual outlets. for example, getting to know more about your soul purpose, or even about your birth chart, can literally boost your sense of worth. perhaps, you may start loving yourself more even through sex and intimacy in general. you could also make money from yoga, meditation and spiritual outlets, such as astrology, tarots, etc. you may also gain more confidence from material things, and hence you could start feeling better when you're able to earn and spend money, or perhaps when you buy new stuff for yourself. even dressing up or wearing clothes that you like would do.

your 3rd house is in aries. when you communicate, you take a lot of pride in your opinions. you hate admitting that you’re wrong, especially since you’re a perfectionist. you could be quite impulsive, and you may speak with a naturally loud tone of voice. you’re extremely good at coming up with plans easily, and you probably manage to stick to them thanks to your stellium in the 6th house. with the ruler of the 3rd house in the 6th house, you may make money out of communication. hence, you could be a teacher, a therapist, a psychologist… everything that involves the use of words in some way. this is a placement that indicates that your future career involves not only communication, but also healing someone in some way. you could become a writer or a musician, as art can heal people in an indirect way. or maybe, you would also do well as a counselor or as a nurse, as they’re more challenging jobs where you need to communicate in order to help someone out.

your 4th house is in taurus. your childhood wasn’t very turbulent, but not perfect either. your parents were most likely quite strict with you, possibly even violentat times, and your home environment wasn’t exactly perfect. someone in your family may also be absent, maybe physically or even emotionally. you probably were a very artistic and creative child, and since jupiter is also located in this house you probably got to make a lot of experiences in your early years. you could have travelled a lot for example, or in general you do have childhood stories to tell. the ruler of the 4th house, venus, is in the 6th house: you may end up following your parents’ same steps when it comes to school and / or work, or even health. you could inherit a disease from them, for example. you might have also been a very active and healthy kid, perhaps you used to eat a lot and didn’t gain weight, or you’ve always done sport in your life. you could also find a job in your birth country / city, or perhaps you won’t move farther than that, I don’t see you going abroad.

your 5th house is in gemini. you feel able to express yourself and your creativity through communication and media. probably, when you were a child you used to love puzzles. your hobbies are quite different from each other, and they have the goal to stimulate your mind in some way. in fact, with this gemini energy here, you’re probably interested in anything that involves communication. you may love reading or even writing yourself, and perhaps you could also be talented at acting or at least voice acting, you’re very expressive. you’re able to convey your thoughts clearly in your speech, and you may actually be good at mimicking others’ voices as well. you could also be a talented singer. also, since your 3rd house, which is gemini's natural house, represents career in your chart, I’d truly recommend you to turn a hobby of yours into a job. hence, if you’re into acting, you should try becoming an actress; if you like singing, you may become a singer, if you’re into writing, you should become a writer, and so on. it’d be the most pleasant and suitable job for you.

your 6th house is also in gemini. in your daily routine, especially at work, you have to communicate a lot. you come in contact with lots of people, or maybe you write stuff like blogs or books. generally, you have a very hectic schedule, as you have different hobbies and appointments that you can’t abandon. you also have a big stellium in this house involving your venus, mars, sun and mercury: this venus placement indicates that you may be prone to procrastinate, even though I don't really think it's exactly your case since mars is also placed in this house. in fact, you may actually overwork yourself, or in the best case you manage to balance these two energies and give proper space to both your hobbies and work. your ideal career has to include something that allows you to express your personal taste, ideas and interests. in this way, it won’t feel too heavy to you, and you’ll find pleasure in working. side note, but this placement also indicates that you may often date co-workers. with mercury and the sun placed in this house, you probably thrive from being efficient not just at work, but also in your daily routine; you probably like having a schedule, a routine of any kind (like a diet or a skincare routine for example). the ruler of the 5th house is in the 6th house: this placement confirms that you would do amazing at a career that involves creativity and pleasure. you could be a writer, a singer, an actress, a photographer… in general, anything that allows you to be creative using your words.

your 7th house is in cancer. in marriage, you’re looking for an affectionate and caring partner who’s willing to nurture you. you’re also the type to like younger people to nurture by yourself, even though your heavy cancer dominance points out that you’d rather be in a relationship where your partner is older and / or can be the one to take care of you. you can’t have the burden of controlling someone else, especially if you have yet to solve your identity issues or problems with your self-esteem. your future spouse most likely comes from your same city or at least from your country, you most likely share the same religion, culture, language, etc. they’ll literally feel like home to you, perhaps you’ll have a more serene family with them rather than with your parents. also, in a partner you value feelings above all. you probably don’t have a high sex drive, or at least you don’t care about physical affection as much as your feelings.

your 8th house is in virgo. you use a practical approach when it comes to intimacy, you may struggle to let go around others, especially with your pluto energy in the 11th house that gives you major trust issues. you’re extremely secretive, you hardly ever talk about yourself, and you may even despise being too exposed. you’d rather stay by yourself, in fact you have a very mysterious vibe to your aura. also, with virgo in the 8th house, you may feel so tied to a schedule, to a plan, that you lack flexibility. you probably hate chances, but at least you don't lack intuition thanks to your cancer stellium. even though you may struggle to get closer to your spiritual, higher self at first, you're extra good at handling situations here on the earth. for example, you may handle money very well if you're well-organized. transformation in your life happens when you're able to stimulate your logical mind to earn awareness of your problems. to make it simple, you may often not realize your mistakes yourself, others have to let you notice, but thanks to your gemini moon's energy in your chart you're able to solve your problems by your own.

your 9th house is in libra. your beliefs and life philosophies were shaped by the outside world. that doesn’t mean you’re basic; you just don’t look enough in yourself, you prefer taking inspiration from others. in fact, when you realize that you don’t feel attached to a certain topic or opinion, you just leave it behind and seek other truth. you're easy to influence, and the fact that you're so open-minded doesn't help either. you hate being told what to do, you want to be free in the decisions you make. the ruler of the 9th house is in the 6th house: you may pursue a career that involves travelling, foreign languages, culture, etc. perhaps you may have to travel a lot for work, or maybe you’ll actually move abroad to pursue your career. you could have to interact with people from all over the world, and your career will overall allow you to open your mind even more and make new experiences. you may also work as a writer, a philosopher, or even as a teacher or professor. you could also be a trainer of any kind, like a personal trainer for example.

your 10th house is in scorpio. you may have a reputation for looking mysterious, as you’re probably not very sociable. you’re extremely motivated to achieve your goals, even though you may feel lost and confused due to your hard aspects and interceptions. you’ll pursue a career that involves looking for the truth, hence you may be a detective, a scientist, a poet etc. your career will give you a major change in your life, and you’ll finally be able to embrace your self-esteem and indipendence thanks to it. overall, once you find your true vocation, you’ll have no problems working, especially if you decide to pursue a creative career that is the most indicated for you, even though it may take you a while to find the right job for you due to your midheaven being in scorpio. I feel like you may receive and earn a lot of money that mostly comes from other people, like customers or even fans, but you most likely won’t work under a boss, you’ll be independent. you may even open a shop by yourself, for example.

your 11th house is in sagittarius. your friends may be very open-minded, and you might have met them in school. they could also come from a different cultural background, or maybe they’re directly from abroad. at first, you struggled to make friends, as you were very secretive. with time, you’re learning to trust people and to transform and grow up through them. you’re particularly fond of your friendships as they play a big role in your growth and fortune. you could get popular easily, or at least you’re so benevolent of others that it’s easy for you to be likeable and get to know new people if you try, even if you’re an introvert. this placement also indicates that people may admire you, and you may even be seen as someone wise, a role model. in fact, it’s a perfect placement for a celebrity, as you may naturally attract fame and fans to you. yet, since pluto and chiron are also placed in this house, it may take you a while to come in touch with this side of you. in fact, you could be very secretive and picky when choosing your friends, you struggle to find people that you can really trust. you may have high standards, or you just don't attract people that you consider perfect for you. probably, chiron here indicates that one of your friends probably did something that hurt you and that you probably still remember, and hence it could affect the way you approach others.

lastly, your 12th house is in sagittarius again. you’re particularly interested in religion and higher beliefs, hence meditation would be effective for you. yet, you need to get enough sleep, or you could not be able to fully embrace the spirituality of this placement. you may also be able to have prophetic dreams, or at least they have a strong moral beyond them. also, with sagittarius in this house, you may find luck and relief in neptunian topics, such as meditation, dreams, astrology, religion, psychology etc. you may have a special bond with your pets, you’re extremely intuitive, you could even be able to predict the future, perhaps through day-dreams or even through your sleeping dreams. I’d definitely recommend you to get closer to your higher self in this lifetime, as it’s the key for you to find joy and pleasure. to do that, you may get into spiritual topics like astrology, tarots, psychology, meditation, yoga, religion… anything that allows you to detach from your everyday life is the key for your soul’s ease and peace. the ruler of the 12th house is in the 4th house; you may have a very spiritual, religious family, or perhaps your relatives were a part of your past lives, and hence they’re your soulmates. you may also dream of them often.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love, you attract cancer, aquarius, taurus, gemini and virgo. your future spouse will most probably have taurus and aquarius placements, hence they’ll be very intelligent, imaginative and confident, but also very loyal and stubborn. they’ll be more of a homebody like you, and they'll probably prefer spending a date inside than out. you could actually meet them in your birth city, or perhaps they’re someone from your childhood or directly a past life. they could also be introduced to you through your family or friends. your children will be heavy in gemini/virgo placements, hence they’ll be very intelligent and talkative, maybe even too chatty. yet, they’ll be pretty ambitious, polite and serious individuals as well.

👶🏻 family life

your mother was very caring and affectionate with you, even though she could’ve been a bit too protective and/or strict, possibly even violent or overwhelming. she’s probably a taurus, a capricorn, a sagittarius, a pisces or a libra, or she has at least some placement in those signs or in the 2nd, 7th, 9th, 10th or 12th house. your father is more dominant than your mother, and he could be very scary. he’s very honest, and he may also be a bit possessive and controlling of you and the rest of your family in general. hence, he was the dominant figure in your house, but you may still have a nice relationship with him. he’s probably a scorpio or any other water sign. if you have siblings, they’re probably aries or scorpio. you might fight a lot for control, especially during childhood. you’re also quite possessive of your things, but overall you also have a deep bond. even though you may argue quite a bit, you still have affection for each other.

📊 career

you could do well at a variety of jobs to be honest! with your gemini in the 6th house you could actually work in different fields before sticking to one career, hence you’re pretty experienced. in your chart, I definitely see writer or poet potential, you have a lot of placements that point it out. you also have a stellium in your 6th house, which is associated to healing, fitness, health. hence, you could also become a therapist, a nurse, a doctor... literally anything in the med field. otherwise, you may also do well as a teacher, abroad as a translator or even in your natal country, as a journalist, as a singer... anything that has to do with communication, as well as creativity and healing of any kind. you may also do well as an actress.

👚 fashion sense, style analysis

your style is most likely very androgynous, you wear pieces of clothing that are literally suitable for everyone. you probably prefer wearing oversized fits rather than tight clothes, and you're also fond of sweatshirts, big cardigans or jackets, oversized t-shirts... anything that feels very comfortable, but that still has some feminine, classy energy to it. you may like softer, natural shades of colours like white, beige, black, etc. in your clothes, and you could also enjoy prints and graphics on them. you may also be attracted to vintage fashion.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past life, the focus was on yourself. maybe, you had troubles with self-esteem and identity in general. you had to work hard and finally understand who you were to fulfill your past life purpose. hence, this lifetime your focus will be on the bonds you create with others. at first you might feel almost scared to the idea of marriage, or perhaps it's the opposite and you feel very attached to others; this lifetime you're here to develop this matter. with your north node in the 7th house, you're naturally lucky in love. there's nothing to be afraid of, you only need to take small steps and open your heart to someone, putting your worries and insecurities aside.

🤔 major transits analysis, october 5th

this year, your focus is on your persona. you might feel new, like you’re born again. you’ve probably gone through a few hardships last year that made you question your value, but now you’re back on track. this year, together with 2021, will be crucial for your self-esteem. even though you may feel pressured to always look at your best, you’re finally learning how to accept and love yourself. also, the north node is transiting your 5th house, and most importantly it’s opposite your pluto, so you may meet someone who can have a big impact in your life romantically! keep your eyes open, especially when you attend public spaces like cafes, libraries, parks, etc. I don’t see it being necessarily your future spouse, but they may be very helpful for your self-growth.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

with your water dominance, you probably have a 6th sense. you’re able to manifest what you want if you subconsciously predict it, even though it may be hard. you’d have to get in touch with your higher self to do so, and hence I would suggest you to light up some candles and meditate for a bit before manifesting, in this way it will be way more effective. you may manifest something while daydreaming, for example. or perhaps, you can also try listening to your own affirmations while you sleep, as you won’t be consciously aware of that. it’s probably the most effective way.

this is the end! thank you again for booking a reading, hope it resonated with you :)

[softpinkicecream]

Understanding Mothers with BPD

Just listened to the audio book Understanding Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Waif characteristics:

Some of my body language is excessively friendly/flirtatious- I didn't notice this at first, but it was pointed out to me so now I see it. I make a lot of eye contact and when I'm trying to be friendly I will smile a lot and make eye contact a lot and laugh more. This can get interpreted as flirting by some. I have seen other people do this when flirting, but unfortunately I tend to do this to everyone when I'm meeting new people, which can probably unnerve them or make them feel weird until they get to know me.

I feel almost worthless when I make mistakes, especially at work. I was more used to my old job so I didn't feel like this as much, but now at my new job I feel so ashamed every time I make a mistake. I think I checked my work but then there will still be a mistake. And I've made so many the past few weeks I feel ashamed of my self as an employee. - an update on this, I suspect some of my mistakes were from sleep deprivation from trying too hard to come in early.

I can sometimes give too much too soon in relationships. I definitely do this. In the past I pushed sex way too fast, like maybe 2 dates max before the bedroom. This always causes attachment even when I intended there to be none. And then it's months before I notice any shortcomings, or how little is actually given back to me. Typically if I feel comfortable with a person to have a conversation, then I will attach to them even quicker. After doing this and ending up in a not so great relationship for 2-3 years, I know I need to slow down and definitely not listen to the desire to give too much away too fast.

Use submissive behavior as an adaptive response to conflict. This is my default response. When I'm feeling confident I've occasionally actually confronted people, I have a few examples, but in most cases I comply instantly. I'd rather say I'm wrong and take blame that doesn't belong to me than escalate an argument. This was how every argument with Mark went. They weren't really arguments, he would be upset and sometimes yell and I would listen and agree even if I didn't. This was definitely how I always handled my mom yelling at me. I think this is actually not a healthy behavior so I would like to get better at not complying when I actually don't agree. The problem is, a lot of times I find myself thinking, well complying is such a small easy thing for me and it will help them feel better so it's not a big deal.

Feel incompitent. I often don't feel very intelligent even when other people say so. I have a hard time remembering things, and I have very low fluid intelligence, so I feel pretty dumb all the time, but I have managed to test fairly well which has gotten me this far. I like to think I have a decent amount of social IQ though.

Relinquish control easily. I think this may have been addressed above, but I think I'm actually on the fence on this characteristic. I was discussing with my brother the other day, I think I tend to comply with people for about 20 minutes, and then the rest of my head catches up with me and I change my mind partway through or after a conversation. I'd like to get better at that, prefeably move that time to shorter and shorter? Also, in many cases, I tend to give the appearance of compliance, when actually I am only relinquishing control I feel safe to give. I think this may also be a bit of a passive agressive personality behavior trait.

Don't take good care of myself. I have a hard time balancing my life well. Either I take care of my finances, my work, my appearance, my relationships, or my health. I can only do one at a time. Usually week by week.

I don't properly track my spending and often indulge. As discussed above, if I'm not in a week where I'm actively managing my finances, I completely ignore them. Thankfully, I don't usually go into massive purchases, like a car or plane ticket, I do tend to indulge in spur of the moment things like an expensive coffee or a bag of toy kazoos.

I feel better having less than having more, especially in a group setting I feel much more comfortable and prefer everyone else have first pick.

Unnecessarily appologetic. I apologise often and frequently, for everything that might possibly be awkward or uncomfortable.

Sometimes feels compelled to help others.

Shame motivated behavior- very often, I sometimes feel like my presence would be a burden or annoyance so I don't talk to many people at work unless it's required for my job.

Protects self from disappointment. I try to expect the worst so I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Feels undeserving of compliments, often refuses them. I've gotten better at this but only because I was told refusing or denying is more rude.

Often refuses help. I've gotten a little better at this, I'll accept help if offered but I try not to ask for help unless it's absolutely necessary.

Difficulty articulating needs. I often don't know what I really want. Sometimes when I do I don't ask for it if I think it'll be a burden.

Passive and permissive. These are my default behaviors, especially when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. I also bought my brother a cigar and lotto tickets for his 18th bday.

Easily tolerates some abuse. I haven't been physically abused so I'm not sure my reaction but I doubt I would tolerate it as easily as verbal abuse. There were times Mark could scream at me and I could just take it until he stopped.

Invalidates own competence. I often think I'm dumb as a post and could give plenty of examples?

Drawn to helping/understanding the Struggles of others. For some reason I get drawn to people who are upset.

Dedicated employee work long hours and underpaid

Oscillates between obsessive concern for health and complete neglect

Occasionally uses alcohol, money, or sex to feel better - I tend to use "shopping therapy" , also recently a (large) glass of wine if it is late enough

Unconsciously seductive - I didn't think I did this but one of the reasons I cut my hair short was to avoid looking particularly attractive

Often forgets things- all the time. I feel most of the time there is no reason for it really. I just forget anything within 3 seconds.

Waifs' children:

High Independence

Hermit characteristics:

Feels safer alone - I definitely feel comfortable alone or feel a need to decompress after interactions

Ties large amounts of self worth to work/others opinions

Feels mildly violated when others move or borrow my things

Initial reaction to rejection is to completely shut them out - I try not to do this @_@

Ruminates and worries often about nearly meaningless things - there are embarrassing mistakes from years and years ago that I still sometimes feel the pain of guilt from.

Occasionally superstitious

Either over or under reacts to physical problems - sometimes every ail seems like I'll get cancer and die, other times I have broken a bone and hardly reacted except to say that it was definitely broken and should probably go to the ER.

Occasionally uses alcohol or relationships to feel better. - probably alcohol, but there is a dangerous satisfaction with "falling in love" which I would prefer not to mess up ever again

Sometimes struggles handling rejection or criticism

Sometimes tries to make other people feel guilty on purpose -i mostly did this to my mom

Often concerned about the dangerous it risks of everything.

Children of BPD characteristics:

Feels worthless if not useful

Sometimes feels like a false self

Ruminates about small decisions and interactions

Interested in finding hidden/true motives

Was grateful for my friend witnessing my mom's outburst

Poorly structured time

I have recently begun to feel like an imposter again at work. For some reason at my previous job, I did not feel this.

My mother would wear my clothes when I was in highschool. And after I went to college, she started talking college classes the same time as me. I have become annoyed with this now because she told me we could not afford college, and I took out private loans to cover it, but she had no problem paying for a major in Islamic studies for herself.

I try to avoid strong emotions, I especially avoid anger because I feel it is extremely irrational and will cause me regret. Even when I'm fully happy or comfortable, I often tend to mess that up and so I do n try not to fully let go unless I know it's 100% welcome.

I tend to appear as easy going to others

I struggle saying no

I don't really know what I like or who I am

I enjoy analytically orientated therapy.

Minor mistakes do sometimes cause a plunge in my self esteem, I usually feel like smacking my head on something when I'm feeling like this. If I make a mistake at work, I wonder how long they will bother to keep me around before firing me. Sometimes I wonder if I've already been fired and they just haven't told me. I will feel hate for myself for making another mistake, especially when I don't see a way to prevent it from happening again. I often feel regret and guilt for past mistakes. I sometimes feel shame of myself for burdening others with my presence, it's especially strong at work or with people I have to interact with for long term, like family or classmates. Thankfully, I don't feel these things as painfully or strongly with people I am close with or old friends.

my mom often projected her personal problems onto me. She often told me that "only a depressed person would sleep past 9am" or that I needed to be better at managing my time, be better organized, and be on time. I know now she failed to do these things.

Thankfully, I have not had a panic attack. I had one episode of heart palpitations, but I believe it was related to a new birth control, which I stopped taking immediately after and haven't had a similar experience since.

Queen characteristics:

I find charismatic and attention drawing people attractive.

Some other characteristics I noticed that I have that were not necessarily included in this book:

prefer/enjoy not "fitting in a box" ?

tendancy to mirror others?

I don't care about the impressions I make on people I don't know, but become anxious around people that I will have to deal with often i.e. co-workers, family members, classmates.

I regret indulging in the behaviors of others :( I am ashamed of one occurrence, I was brought along to my step mom's family's party, I went to use the bathroom but was stopped by my aunt in law. I feigned ignorance so I could use the bathroom instead of having to use the outhouse. To explain, her husband had already let me use their bathroom once so I thought it would be ok but she didn't know that. In any case, I have a not so great relationship with bathrooms so I specifically told my family I wouldn't go if I there wasn't going to be a regular bathroom, to which I was assured there would be, so hen

Passive agressive:

Felt used or taken advantage of in the ending of past relationships.

-i feel I exhibit this personality type when doing self preservation activities. I have told my landlord that I wasn't moving until I got an apartment then gave them notice. I said I was going to go to a work event but then cancelled last minute after I realised I wouldn't be able to lie to Mark where I was. I also lied to Mark about why I was returning to Minnesota and didn't break up with him until I was safely employed and relocated. I think this behavior also comes out when I am taking the advice of others. When I was younger, I leant my hair crimper to my friend, but then my mom told me I should tell them not to break it and I just ended up seeming crazy. I also moved into an apartment with 4 other roommates, and they all made a fuss about the bigger room and a friend advised me to move in a day early and lock the big room.... I also didn't tell my employer that I was looking for new work until right before I left.... I'm embarrassed about these behaviors and I think it also has to do with a lack of trust in others perhaps. And listening to others instead of doing what I think.

[wiseabsol]

Excerpts from a Prompts Project

For those of you who read my Pokemon fanfic “The Phoenix Rose Saga” back in the day, here is the first of three excerpts showing what a re-imagined version of it would look like.

Prompt #1: Creation, featuring Aaron from “TPRS”

Creation:

As far as creations went, the second of their mew clones (or the third, if he decided to count the prototype, which he generally didn’t) wasn’t much of a success.

Perhaps Aaron shouldn’t say that. The clone, who his assistants had named “Neva” for her snowy white pelt, was alive and healthy. That was more than most of their early clones could boast. They had died while they were growing in their gestation tanks or shortly after their births. Still, there wasn’t much else that could be said in Neva’s favor. Her albinism, while unusual among pokémon, wasn’t as rare or valuable as the “shiny” coloration. The vulnerability of her eyes and skin to sunlight, thanks to her condition, didn’t help either. If they weren’t careful, she might eventually go blind or develop skin cancer (which was another reason why confining her to the lab was for the best).

Yet compared to her other flaws, her albinism could be overlooked. Her being deaf and psychically disabled were much more serious problems.

The deafness could be worked around. Neva’s primary caretaker, Dr. Rosenberg, knew several languages, including the local version of sign language. In addition to her other duties, Dr. Rosenberg was adapting that version into a three-fingered one that Neva could use. She’d given Aaron reports on how Neva was progressing, along with the growing list of signs that Neva had learned, but he’d only managed to skim through them. Neva’s “sister,” Morgan, interested him more than her less capable sibling. Most of his time was spent going over her medical reports and her battle analyses instead. As long as Dr. Rosenberg was confident that her pet project was going well, he felt safe entrusting her with the second clone. Until he found a use for Neva, her time could be spent in language lessons.

What else was he supposed to do with her? She didn’t have a wisp of psychic power, nor any hint of the others, despite the lineage she boasted. Mew was said to be able to learn every move a pokémon could learn, he thought, rubbing his temples as he waited for his coffee to brew. And this creature can barely use Scratch.

Cloning pokémon was always a gamble, of course. His colleagues back on Cinnabar had stressed that time and again as they’d sifted through fossilized remains, looking for the most promising samples. Even the best-preserved ones, though, captured in ice and amber, would have holes somewhere in their genetic codes. Using stem cells from dittos could fill in only so much of what had been lost. For the rest of the gaps, they had to splice in genes from other pokémon and people, which threw all sort of variables into the mix. No doubt that had been what had brought about Morgan’s blue coloration (due to the vaporeon genes in her genetic cocktail) and Neva’s disabilities. That or her mew fossil had been from a flawed specimen, which was entirely possible. Aaron had hardly expected to find one set of mew remains, let alone two, so of course he had made clones from them both. That was more than Dr. Fuji had accomplished!

It niggled at Aaron, though, that Dr. Fuji’s prototype had been practically perfect. Its psychic powers alone could have leveled mountains. Such a shame, really, that its temperament had been so foul….

Even if Aaron’s creations weren’t as strong as their predecessor, at least they were under his control. Certainly, Morgan was a handful. She was eager to test herself in battle—she was rather like the prototype that way (if only, if only he could capture Mewtwo as well and use it as a stud. The offspring would no doubt be priceless). But she still obeyed them and adhered to the rules and restrictions they’d laid out for her, and all because he’d taken the time to sit down with her and answer her questions. He’d be careful to treat her like a person, even though she wasn’t one, and that had made the difference. His lab was still standing and he and his people were still alive. That put him well ahead of Dr. Fuji, as far as Aaron was concerned.

But the question remained: what was he supposed to do with Neva?

Euthanizing and dissecting her was out of the question (unless her body started breaking down like some of the others had, in which case his intervention would be a mercy). They’d sunk too much money, too much time, too much labor and energy into making her. He couldn’t waste the investment. He hadn’t been able to back when she was gestating, when her pure white fur and her biopsies had told him of her condition. Mew samples were too hard to come by, and even a flawed sample couldn’t be discarded because the result was imperfect. But if she couldn’t be used for battle or for contests—or for activities that the League didn’t sanction, but his financers pursued—what else was left?

Breeding, the answer came to him. She can be used for breeding. If nothing else, she could act as a surrogate for her sister’s offspring. That way, Morgan can remain in the arena and won’t be injured by any pregnancy complications. The mew clones, after all, were essentially chimeras. Delivering might be harder for them than for their purer ancestors. Especially if they had litters.

It would have to be carefully done. They had gambled with the genetic cocktails that had brought the sisters into being, but they could not take the same risks with the offspring (if the sisters were even fertile. They might not be. Most pokémon were and could breed across species lines, but there were a select few who were more restrictive. The mews could have been one of those, regardless of their supposed “ancestor of all” designation). Fortunately, both sisters had a readier supply of gametes than Aaron had of fossilized remains, so he could do more with the genes he’d be mixing. Maybe he could increase the claw length in the offspring…maybe tweak their coloration…definitely expand their move sets if he could…yes, there was a lot he could experiment with.  

After mixing a tooth-aching amount of sugar and a dollop of cream into his coffee, he left his office and went to the training center for the clones. Morgan was making good progress on converting her psychic energies into electric attacks and was making short work of her opponents. She seemed restless, but he supposed that was to be expected when none of her challengers were putting up a good fight. They would have to increase the level tier again and see how she fared then.

Neva, in contrast, was practicing signs with Dr. Rosenberg. They were in the botanical lab today. Dr. Rosenberg was teaching Neva the names and medicinal uses of the plants there, as if she would have any use for that knowledge. But he supposed they had to improve Neva’s communication skills somehow, and keeping her in a stagnant environment like her pen would hinder her in that. If only she had half of her sister’s innate empathic abilities. Then she would be fluent in their language already….

“Dr. Rosenberg,” he called through the doorway, feeling the moist, sticky heat of the lab against his face. “A word?”

She nodded and made some quick signs to Neva, who nodded and started working clumsily on a project. She was getting dirt everywhere on the floor. Dr. Rosenberg removed her gardening gloves and joined him. “Yes?”

“I wanted to run something by you.” He explained the breeding idea to her. To his surprise, she looked uncertain about it. “Is something the matter?”

“Sir, it’s just…the sisters might be physically mature, but psychologically, they’re far from it. They need more time to learn and develop before—I’m not saying that we shouldn’t consider it,” she added hastily, seeing his annoyance, “but maybe we should wait a year or two for their minds to catch up to their bodies.”

“That would be fine, if we didn’t have Ms. Stoneson breathing down our necks. But we do, and while she’s pleased with Morgan’s progress, she’s starting to see Neva as a waste of resources.” That had come up repeatedly in their last meeting. “I’m not sure how much more she is willing to spend on a failed investment.”

“Neva is not a failure!”

Gods protect him from scientists who grew too attached to their experiments. “She is in the eyes of our employer,” he explained, with rather more patience than Dr. Rosenberg deserved. “But that could change if we find a use for her. I’m open to alternative suggestions.” When the now red-faced Dr. Rosenberg seemed at a loss, he added, “If you think of any, let me know. Otherwise, inform Neva that this is where things are heading. We might start her on a hormone regime as soon as next month.”

As he was turning away, Dr. Rosenberg reached out and grabbed his wrist. “Aaron, she’s a child, you can’t—”

“Would you rather she be a dead child? Because that’s another option our dear employer has mentioned. Using Neva for samples and spare parts certainly would put an end to the drain she’s being, even if it wouldn’t give us back a fraction of the fortune we spent on making her.”

Dr. Rosenberg paled at that. Aaron nodded. “I don’t want that either, but I might not have a choice if Neva doesn’t prove her value somehow.” He looked past her, at the creation, who had buried her muzzle into the roses. “Take a day to think about it,” he told Dr. Rosenberg, then left.

They had to find a use for the clone somehow. This was the only way he could think of.

Better this than the dissection table, he thought. I’m sure even Neva would agree.

But he would never ask her that. He would become like Dr. Rosenberg if he did—too involved, too close to keep perspective like he should, when they were working for people who had no patience for such softheartedness. He had to keep his distance and keep in mind what the sisters were: creations. Products. Property. Not pokémon. Not even people.

No matter what Dr. Rosenberg might say, Aaron couldn’t allow himself to lose sight of that.