#by all means if you have more memories you wish to share I'd love to hear them

[brighteststar707]

Ohhh, are we sharing things now? I actually have plenty of great (mostly) childhood memories I tend to think about often.

In my grandma's neighborhood, there's a big line of only road and I remember how me, my sister and everyone else who had bikes there would often get out at the evening to just do circles, the wind always felt amazing and since it was summer, doing it at evening to around night was always great.

But this one night, EVERYONE had taken their bikes out. I still remember how happy I felt when I did circles with them. If I remember correctly, i wasn't able to use the bike without those protection lil wheels but that night, our neighbor next door helped me and encouraged me to keep going even though I fell down a lot. In the end? I leaned to do it without any help from those lil wheels!

I really wish I could experience that again but I know it will never happen. Some of our neighbors grandkids doesn't really visit anymore now that they are grown. And It's actually been years since I've been to my grandma's but this time, I made the decision to go there this upcoming summer! (if I pass my final exams doe sksksajdbw)

I used to go there every summer so I'm hella excited and looking forward to it. I'm also planning on working on my digital art skills and take advantage of these three months to get better with this artist friend of mine I have at school.

But even though those other kids don't visit there anymore. I'm happy that at least I have these memories of us playing plenty of games and just using our bikes.

I have so many nice memories but I'll stop here sksksk

Anna, I'm happy to see you again, it feels like it's been ages! I hope you're doing well!

That memory sounds absolutely magical, so many of you all together on your bicycles having fun. Thank you for sharing it with me! Your neighbour encouraging you to learn to ride without training wheels is so lovely, what a fun way to learn! It took me forever to learn to ride a bike without training wheels, and i still remember the feeling of riding without them for the first time. It's wonderful.

There is something so nostalgic and bittersweet about childhood memories like this, isn't there? These warm happy memories that we love dearly but cannot return to because things change.

I went though a similar feeling of nostalgia recently. I visited home for the first time in years, and was hit with a lot of emotions at once. It's always comforting to be back in places I spent a lot of time in as a small child, but at the same time it's impossible to ignore how much changes when you're not there to see it. I'm not someone who likes to stay in one place for a long time, so returning back to old memories is particularly strange for me.

Sharing in hobbies and learning skills from one another sounds really wonderful! It's one of the things I've enjoyed most about posting my writing here and making writer friends! It's also nice to be able to fully dedicate your time to developing your skills instead of having to share the time between other responsibilities.

I wish you the best of luck on your exams, hang in there! Exam season is tough, but I'm rooting for you! I hope you get to go back to your grandmother's this summer and relive at least some of those happy childhood memories.

[crossdressingdeath]

A thing I wish DAO went into more: the way Alistair is in some ways incredibly selfish. Like, the way he refuses to take charge of the group is treated as kind of endearing in the text, but the game doesn't really get into what a massive burden he just... drops on the junior Warden present with no warning or discussion. Think about it: the Warden is heavily implied to be very young (possibly younger than Alistair, definitely around the same age), most of them have no real experience in leadership, several of them have no experience in the world outside their small corner, all of them have only been Wardens for a few days. And Alistair dumps leadership of the group on them and refuses to take any of that weight. Does your Warden like leadership? Are they any good at it? Is it exhausting and difficult for them? Alistair doesn't care! He doesn't want to lead, and that means you have to lead, and whether or not you want to lead has no bearing on that. It's not a discussion, there's no suggestion of sharing the responsibility of leadership as the Wardens of the group; Alistair metaphorically throws the responsibility at you and runs.

But if you go for low approval with Alistair it's basically all about calling him childish and immature, even though I think a much more compelling low approval dynamic is the Warden despising Alistair for putting so much on them with no hesitation, but being stuck with him (because they know as well as he does that they need all hands on deck Warden-wise) and stuck with that burden of leadership (because a Warden kind of has to be in charge of the group and even if one didn't no one else in the group would be very good as a leader in this situation, and Alistair has made it very clear that he won't take it). Even at high approval it would be very compelling to have this sense of resentment at how Alistair just assumed they'd take on the burden of leadership and refuses to take any of it for himself. But that aspect gets completely ignored in the story, you don't really get the chance to raise the matter aside from asking why you're in charge despite him being the senior Warden present a couple of times.

It also adds something really spicy to the fallout of sparing Loghain, though, because... Alistair forced the Warden to take on leadership. He made them be the one to make these hard choices. It's never been a discussion, it's never been the Warden's choice whether or not they take on responsibility for these tough decisions, Alistair always just expects them to do it. And now they've made a call he doesn't like, and he abandons the group on the eve of battle because of his wounded feelings? I'd argue that's as much a betrayal as sparing Loghain if not more so, and certainly more of a betrayal of Duncan's memory; Duncan understood that a good Warden must be driven by necessity, not emotion or even morality, and I feel like in the Warden's place he likely would've made the same call. They need Wardens around to kill the Archdemon, as many as they can get, and even one more could make the difference between victory and defeat. The Warden and Alistair may not know the details, but with the most senior Warden present saying they should make Loghain a Warden instead of killing him a logical assumption would be he has a very good reason for saying so and maybe they should listen to him! I would've loved it if during the argument with Alistair after sparing Loghain you could really get into that "You forced the responsibility of making these decisions on me when I never wanted or asked for it, you don't get to throw a tantrum now that I've made one you don't like" aspect of it, but you... don't. And that's a shame, because it takes a lot of depth away from his dynamic with the Warden.

[tragedy-of-commons]

moments like these

various hsr x gn!reader | wc: ~1.2k

Snippets of vulnerability.

tags/warnings: some angsty parts (march, jing yuan) but it's overall very fluffy, hurt/comfort (march, jing yuan), pining and mush, all rushed but made with love

notes: hi, just wanted to write something, so this isn't exactly polished. had the itch! ft. dr. ratio, march 7th, & jing yuan.

Veritas Ratio, for all of his genius, has no idea what to do.

You've taken the liberty of using his shoulder as your... pillow. As uncomfortable as it must be, you're dozing soundly, the quiet of your office enveloping the both of you in something strangely intimate. Despite his own feelings on your poor decisions, you're still your own person - meaning that you're going to sleep there until he does something about it.

The problem lies therein: he does not want you to get up just yet. Your various projects, which are sprawled out in disarray on your desk, benefit in no way from your exhaustion. The reason he's even here is because you are incapable of taking care of yourself. Your tenacity would be admirable if you could rest without him coming up here to lecture you like he would a pupil on the importance of self-care, and--

...and he has grown quite fond of you. The sofa he'd persuaded you to rest your eyes on is also unfit for a night of sleep, but he took what he could get. Occupied with nothing but a journal in his hand, you just drifted off right then. He is not as unhappy with the situation as he should be. You are no genius, but you are devoid of idiocy. This middle ground is proving troublesome for his own mental health, if your rigorous teasing is anything to go by. 

Veritas Ratio is burdened by the weight of noble pursuits. He wishes not to abandon them.

...so he shall not abandon you alone to nap in your office during these early hours. You, in most ways, are certainly a noble pursuit. It only makes sense that he should continue to uphold this tradition as it stands until it becomes a real issue.

He sighs, searching your peaceful visage for any signs of discomfort. Veritas will remain here until you wake.

"Sometimes I wish I had my memories back," March 7th tells you, voice a sweet whisper. It tickles a hair's breadth away from the shell of your ear, sending a pleasant hum down the trail of your spine. The Astral Express, for once, is ostensibly quiet. Even Mr. Yang and Himeko have to sleep, but there is a reason you haven't slipped into dreamland yourself - there is a conversation to be had between you and your special friend, apparently. "I wonder who I was before."

Your arms, carefully wrapped around her waist, unravel and shrink back to your own sides - you need to sit up for this one. The mattress creaks with your efforts until you are propped up against her headboard. You want to see her face, but she's keen on facing the wall. March 7th almost looks abashed to be so honest, earning a frown from you.

"Hey, look at me," you coax. She complies, turning on her side in her silk pajamas to meet your eye. Through the darkness, her dual-toned gaze is a bit watery, illuminated by the glowing panels of miscellaneous widgets and photographs on her wall. "Uh... If I were in your position, I'd be wondering the same thing too. I know it's gotta be difficult - being separated from your past, I mean."

You... don't know if that was the right thing to say; you've always been bad at comforting others (and she has definitely noticed). Sometimes, during moments like these, when you're giving all that you are able, March will share her burdens as well. You wish nothing more than to assuage her worries. At least you can take pride in the fact that she hasn't started bawling since you opened your mouth.

"It is," she yawns. "I get these nightmares sometimes. Nightmares that I was a horrible person before, and I hurt a lot of people, but having no way of knowing it." She also sits up just enough to rest her head on your chest. The thumping of your heart could produce enough mechanical energy to power a small planetary settlement, you're sure. 

No matter. "Even if you did, the journey you've been on... you're a whole new person now. Like how stars die and become different stars after." You pause after you say it, chest tightening, "Wait, that's not to say your past self has died or anything--"

Suddenly, March 7th's beautiful laugh graces you. Like everything about her, it's sweet and charming and something you'll have to cherish in secret. You feel the pressure of her head lighten as she looks up, not so sad anymore. "Was that your attempt at poetry? You're really trying your best, huh?"

Your cheeks burn hotly. "Yes. Yes, I am."

She wipes her face on her sleeve, looking at you as if you've sewn all the stars in all the infinite skies.

"...then I'm glad that you are apart of my journey."

Some things never change.

This may seem like an ignorant sentiment echoed by the young and naïve, however Jing Yuan is anything but. Time is ephemeral, yes, but within these finite moments, there is room for rigidity; there is room for a basis to fall back on. There is room for you.

You take up so much of his heart that there is little space left for pride or secrecy. You know every contour and groove of his skin by heart - every birthmark and faded scar. This power that would be weaponized by anyone else is held sacred in the safety of your palms. If anything, he wishes to be done in by the likes of you. After all, his end is inching its way towards his doorstep, and he needs to be prepared. Preparation is one of his strong suits as Arbiter General, languid as he seems.

Are you prepared? He dares not ask you upfront, even if it's cowardly. You are not a game of chess to be won, so confrontation seems... iffy. You are knowledgeable and beautiful and everything he could ever want. You know that he cannot live forever, yet something in your gaze always begs him to stay just a bit longer. Just as you know everything about him, there is not a corner of your heart you haven't turned over to him (or so he likes to think), which means the expression on your face right now is child's play to decipher: grief.

You are in mourning already, and he isn't even gone yet. Aeons, he loves you.

"Jing Yuan?" you ask, arms wrapped about his neck like a vice.

He hums. "Yes, dear?"

"Do you believe in fate?" 

The question isn't what he was expecting, which is a bit odd. He takes a moment to ponder your question before allowing himself to lazily smile. What's even more beguiling is that you already undoubtedly know his answer. "To an extent, I see no harm in doing so."

Something in you shifts, the melancholy dulling until what's left is a ray of sunshine peeking through a dense cloud. Yes, it's everything he needs.

"Then let the red strings do the worrying. You're going to get wrinkles," you chuckle, caressing his cheek tenderly.

...ah. You are not grieving. You are simply fretting over him, miracle that you are.

"Well, we can't have that, can we? Come now, there's something I wish to speak with you about..."

[russellsppttemplates]

So... pure and so you (Charles Leclerc)

Going back home means Charles sees how you've been healing, and your parents haven't missed it either

Note: english is not my first language. I know it's past Christmas, but this still counts, right?

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm taking requests so if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to do so as I'll try to get to them the best I can!

my masterlist

Cw: talks about having kids

Tag list: @myloverjk-blog

"Is your mother making those biscuits I really like? Those fluffy ones, they're like little cakes actually", Charles asked, his hand over the console and resting on your thigh as he turned left for the final cut to your house.

"She said she was planning on making them these afternoon, I can't wait!", you squealed, clapping your hands together at the prospect, seeing your parents left the gate open so you could drive in.

Parking the car, Charles ensured it was safe before coming out of it as well, being greeted by your family dog while you hugged your parents, "hello buddy, how are you? You're very excited to see us, hm? Yes you are!", Charles cooed, rubbing his belly as he wagged his tail at the attention he was receiving.

You hugged your parents before looking for your boyfriend, "Arlo loves Charles more than he loves me", you chuckled, seeing the labrador run back to you as Charles followed him.

"Hi, how are you?", Charles offered as he kissed your mother's cheeks, opting to shake your father's hand as you walked inside, "did you have a good drive back here?", he questioned him, "yes, not too bad actually. It wasn't too busy", your boyfriend replied, seeing you store your coats and get comfortable in your parents' house.

After lunch, your mother asked for help with baking while your father and Charles helped with preparing the table to you could then roll the dough properly.

It was a sight to behold. You were helping your mother with Christmas cookies and the cakes your boyfriend mentioned, your clothes littered with flour stains as you touched your mother's cheek with some of the mixture, containing your laugh as she didn't seem to notice the powder on her skin.

You were happy, giggly and you had a glow that Charles was sure put all of the products you had back home to shame.

"It's good to see her like this", Charles commented when he felt your father's eyes on him, "work has been a lot lately, and she'll only listen to so much of what I say and take the advice even less than I'd like", he chuckled.

Your father shook his head, "She's always been like that. It was worrisome for a little bit, and we always make sure she's not pushing herself too much. And we know we have you in our team, too", the older man touched a Charles' shoulder, rubbing it slightly before he offered him a drink.

After wishing your parents a good night, you and Charles headed to your room upstairs, needing to catch up on some sleep after the busy day. Your old bedroom had slightly changed since you moved out to live with your boyfriend. Your parents swapped your single bed for a double one, for whenever you and Charles visited, and updated the colour of the walls, wanting to keep it on the neutral side in case they needed it for other guests, "are you showering now or after me?", Charles asked, grabbing a towell from himself, "I'll go after you, I need to hang my clothes first", you smiled, kissing his lips as he went to the bathroom.

Looking through your wardrobe, you noticed your mother still kept the family albums in there, remembering something about the downstairs drawers being humid and her worry about loosing the memories. You flickered through the pages, recalling some memories from when you were younger, some of them you probably constructed by other people telling you the moments.

Charles walked in a little while later, ruffling his hair with a towell only in a t-shirt and underwear, "you can go now, amour", he said as he noticed you closing the album, pressing a kiss to your forehead when you walked to take a shower.

You were already in bed when you noticed Charles looking at the books, "you want to look at what's inside them, don't you?", you chuckled as his eyes lit up, "I'm not too tired to look at them, and I bet there are some good memories in there", he confessed.

Opening the book while your boyfriend pulled you to rest against his chest, "this is so pretty", you appreciated all the details on the pages, either doodles or descriptions from the moment when the picture was taken.

"Look at these cheeks!", Charles groaned as he pointed at a picture of you. From the date on the page, you were around four, two pigtails on your curly hair and a toothy smile, "if our kids have your cheeks, which I hope they do, I won't be able to stop kissing them, I know I just won't", he breathed out.

"Do you think about that a lot?", you wondered, looking at his face as you adjusted your position slightly, genuinely curious about the subject. It had been something you had talked about before and it seemed to come to again.

"Yes, I do. I still think we should wait a little bit longer, get married first, enjoy married life just you and me and then we can think about little ones, but everytime I see a child or someone asks, it's you I see. With a baby bump, then a little baby in your arms, and we play with them and love in them like they deserve", he cooed, rubbing the tip of his nose on your cheek, kissing it softly.

"Me too", you smiled, "I mean, its always you I see whenever I think about the future. And it looks so good. Sometimes it looks scary, because I don't know how it will play out, but I'll have you with me, so all will be well", you admitted, kissing his lips properly.

You had been friends before you dated, and it has been a whole process to get you to be this open to him when you started dating, never wanting to put too much on his plate as he had his own things to deal with, not wanting to burden him and not wanting to lose him from your life.

"We're a team, amour, there's no need to fear", he said, closing the book and setting it down on the floor, cuddling you to him.

The next morning was slow. Charles' lips littered kisses on your neck and cheeks, seeing the smile as you slowly woke up, "it's Christmas, ma belle", you heard his whisper, his eyes looking for yours, "Merry Christmas, handsome, I love you", you muttered, pulling your hands out from under the covers and cupping your boyfriend's' cheeks, rubbing the stubbly skin before kissing him.

"I love how smiley you are", Charles complimented, big coats and scarf on as you walked on the trail after having breakfast, occasionally pestering your mother with a fallen tree branch or twigs as she thought some animal was crawling up her skin.

"Am I not smiley regularly?", you wondered, knowing what he meant. Coming home meant, after a lot of work on yourself over the years, you would enjoy yourself without any outside pressures. You were amongst family and in the safe place you grew up. No prying eyes, no one commenting or second guessing what you said, wore or looked like.

"You are, but you're carefree, I think. You're not so stressed, your inner child is showing so much more, and it's so... pure. So you", he smiled, kissing the side of your head as he pulled you to walk closer to him.

They had both become adults way faster than the rest of the people their age. Charles' career forced him to grow up earlier and grow thicker skin very early on, and because you were there with him, too, you were also taken with the wave. You started working as soon as you finished your degree, and while you wouldn't complain about it, it did come with a lot of work and investment of yourself that you lost some of your younger years.

"Whenever we are not doing well, when it gets too much, we will do this. Visit your parents, do all the childish things we want to do, no matter how silly they may be", Charles stated as he rubbed your palm with his thumb, "I never want you to give up this side of you, and I'm willing to do anything to see you smile like that again and again".

Smiling at his words at chuckling slightly at the fact that there was no way this man was ever getting away from you, you held out your pinky, "I promise", you smiled as you two laced fingers, sealing it with a kiss.

[rhiaarrow]

Today was an up and down day as a Ghostie to be honest, but right now? I'm actually happy.

I'm not gonna be consuming any qsmp content unless Bad decides to play on the server and I'm extending my Qsmpblr break indefinitely BUT I just wanna share why I'm not upset about this development in the hopes that I can help other Ghosties or other communities who might be a little bit more upset, see things from the brighter side.

I came back from having dinner, I'd left Bad's stream up on my TV so I just sat back down to continue watching the chat torment Bad while he played.

I'd already seen the documents on Twitter so I knew what had happened and I was just trying to enjoy Bad's stream and not think about it too much that our little Sunshines were now officially gone.

But I literally only managed to watch a minute or two of regular chaos content before I heard Bad's sad little "Hi Pomme" and he started talking with Lumi in chat. I was literally fudging crying by the time Shade (Dapper) showed up as well.

Then with Lea (Dansir) and Pancks (Agent 18) hanging out for a little bit too I was just, I mean it's Bad's allergies bro, they're contagious I swear.

The only thing that was upsetting me about the announcements earlier in the day about their admins leaving the project wasn't that they were leaving. Nah fuck that, they should do whatever they feel is their best option and if that's leaving the server then they should leave the server, simple as.

What was upsetting me was the thought that after a year of getting to know them, not just as their characters but as their adms too, we might just never see them again.

Those little guys were just amazing within their eggy shells or not, I mean hell when they were playing other characters like capybaras we still knew who they were, we just got to know them as a whole and I was so sad that we were likely gonna see a few of them go as they left the Quackity Studios team.

But seeing Lumi and Shade tonight hanging out with the Ghosties and Bad, teasing him and talking to him like normal even after they've formally left the project. I'm honestly glad that people have decided to do what was the best option for them.

The situation was toxic, there's no denying that, and I'm so happy that people are realizing that and doing what they feel is best for them.

But I'm so so so glad we still get to see them and they're not just a blip in our memories. I imagine we'll be seeing Shade and Lumi in Bad's chat every once in a while (I mean hey, Lumi said that Bad wasn't getting rid of them lmao) and it's just nice to know they're still okay even if we won't see their eggy characters any longer ❤️

They probably won't see this but

Thank you so much for everything, you were everything to us for months and I know I speak for every Ghostie when I say that we wish you all the best, and feel free to stop by in chat whenever you like, we'd love to have you around.

[brodieland]

.˚ 𓈒 ࣪.𝝑𝝔 Betrayed, I still miss him though.. ´ˎ˗

Luke Castellan x fem!Reader Word count: 2161 Synopsis: After Lukes betrayal, all reader wanted was to hear what Luke had to say. Then she got an interesting dream... Taking place right after 'The lightning thief'.

I miss him.

He isn't physically dead. Just the version of him everyone knew, more specifically, the version I grew to love. It's been months, 5 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days to be exact since he left. Since Luke Castellan betrayed us and turned to Kronos.

Its Saturday, and just like most other days, I've been stuck in bed sulking, no longer crying, just moping. The day he abandoned me and the rest of camp is a day I can replay on loop. Its still a painful memory, still a fresh wound, still something I'd rather not think about. I never want to leave my cabin, I'm stuck in this bed, stuck in this state of desperation that I'm gonna wake up and this whole thing was a crazy dream one of the gods thought it be hilarious to give me and fuck with my mind because they for some reason love to do that, but I know deep down that's not the case, and I know that the chance of me seeing him again are slim to none.

Time passed and I'm leaving the dining pavilion and walking back to my bunk to just sleep and ignore the world, ignore all the whispers of campers, all of the, 'wasn't she Luke's girlfriend?' 'When was the last time she ran a brush through her hair?' 'Oh my god, she looks terrible.' It's annoying, I can still hear you, you know? Just because the guy I thought was my soulmate and love of my life betrayed me and this whole camp doesn't mean I lost my hearing. Just my motivation to take care of myself, he was the one I got ready for, he was my first thought of when I woke up, and the one I thought of when getting ready and got excited to see everyday. Now he was gone, and so was my motivation for anything.

No one, could replace my Luke Castellan, but my Luke Castellan was gone. Now he's just Luke Castellan.

Sleeping was the only place I could escape my problems, now at least. Right after he left he plagued my dreams, whether I was awake, or asleep, he was there. Though the dreams died down, one would sneak through every now and then. This man was everywhere, I could never escape him. I can't remember a time before him, just a during and after him, and I wish I could go back in time to when we were perfect, to before he stole the master bolt, maybe I could've convinced him not too. Maybe I could've made sure there wasn't an after us.

When he first arrived at camp, Chiron asked me to show him around camp. Of course I happily obliged, why would I turn down the opportunity to spend time and get to know and cute guy with dark curly hair and big brown eyes? I wish I could relive that day, those years in fact.

Luke Castellan was my first everything. He was my first kiss, my first love, my first boyfriend. He was the first guy whom I truly shared myself with, both physically and mentally. He knew me inside and out, literally. He saw me at my highest and my lowest and still told me and made me feel loved, but had that also all been a lie? He was a head Hermes counselor, beloved by all of a camp, best swordsman around, an older brother to the younger campers, a first crush to some of the younger girls, and a best friend to those around him. Those were all lies. But were those nights also all lies? Those nights we had become one and told each other how much we loved one another. Those nights I gave myself in a way I hadn't to anyone, and ways I didn't want to give myself to another man. Was he just using me? Was I just part of his act to trick everyone? He made me feel emotions I'd ever feel toward another man. Love, hate, lust.

What I would do to have one more night with him. And finally talk to him about that night. Luke left before I got the chance to hear about his dishonesty. Luke deceived me until the last second, and I never got an explanation from him. Sure I got one from Percy, Annabeth, and Chiron as well. But never from Luke, That night I was watching the fireworks, oblivious to the double-crossing happening in a deeper portion of the woods just behind me.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

Flash forward back to tonight. I was in another dream, but not just any dream. This was different than my other dreams. It was more than just a dream, I was truly here, like I was just plopped into a new reality, like a dreamscape. I was sitting on half-blood hill, next to Thalia's tree. Looking around everything was slightly static. As I looked over camp there was a bright light coming from behind me making me turn around. I saw a tall door right outside the border of the camp, peaking my interest. After staring at the door for a few moments, you finally walked up, grabbing the knob and waiting for a moment before finally opening the door.

When I walked in, it was like I was transported into a new world, but it wasn't a 'new world.' Through the door, it was a spacious office. A nice mahogany desk at one end of the room looking out onto two leather couches that were facing each other with a coffee table between them all laid out over nice hardwood floors and surrounded by bookshelves. I walked in slowly, not knowing what I was getting myself into when the door disappeared behind me. Slight panic and confusion ran through my bones. How does an entire door just disappear? I turned away and walked toward the desk to look around when suddenly I heard a door open behind me that I, somehow, didn't notice. When I turned around I locked eyes with the last person I ever expected to again.

"Y/N.."

"Luke..."

Silence is all that followed for a few moments. I didn't dare take a step as I turned my body to fully face him. He slowly took a few steps forward, towards me, and we were now standing just arms length from each other. God how I just want to jump into his arms, but I know I can't, so I just stick to not moving.

"How did you get here?" Luke questioned you, still staring at you as starstruck as he used to. It used to make you melt and get weak in the knees when he looked at you like this, now you don't know what to think.

"I, um, don't really know" I started stammering over my words like a loser "I fell asleep and suddenly I was on half-blood hill with this huge door.." I trailed off when I noticed Luke was now standing so close I could feel his breathe. I looked up and he still had that look of awe in his eyes. I probably had that same look in mine. How could I not, I was staring at Luke. Seconds passed and we were just standing there staring in others eyes, now with the tips of our noses touching. These seconds felt like hours when suddenly we were grabbing each others faces and slamming our lips together. I've missed him so much, and I don't care who knows how much I've missed him. I love him and missed the familiar and safe feeling of his lips on mine.

We stood there a moment with lips locked, our hands grabbing each others faces pulling us so close we might fuse together. He then slowly but firmly moved his hands down my body and gripped my waist. That's when I was wrapping my arms as far as possible around his neck pulling him further into me, if that was even possible at that point. I craved this feeling. If there was a word stronger then craved, that was the word. I was obsessed with him and I wanted to crawl in his clothes and live with him forever, but I can't and shouldn't. This was wrong, so wrong, and I really needed to stop but I couldn't, we continued to kiss passionately before a tear was sliding down my cheek. Then followed a second, and before a third one threatened to slip out, Luke pulled away and looked at me with concern. That look of care alone wanted to make me pull him right back in but I didn't, to be fair that would've looked kind of pathetic.

"What's wrong, what's with the tears baby?" The nickname alone made me want to scream. Scream that he was the problem. And scream that he was the only solution, and scream even more that the solution to my problem was forever unobtainable without stabbing everyone in my life in the back and abandoning everyone.

"Why'd you have to do it? Lie to everyone, to me. Was anything even real?" I tried holding back tears, but there were threatening to spill out, and I slowly let them. He grabbed my chin in his hand and wiped my tears with his thumbs.

"You know why. The gods, they don't care about us. They just keep having mortals fall in love with them, messing them up, and leaving there kids to fend for themselves. Think of how many kids that barely survive middle school because of selfish choices the gods made. I didn't start this meaning to lie and hurt more people than just gods, especially not you. Gods, if there was one person I didn't want to hurt, it was you. Honestly. You asked me if it was real, and I'm saying that this, you, are the realest thing in my life. I wouldn't have traded the last few years in my life for anything. They're my favorite memories that I replay every night trying not to miss you more than I already do, but I can't. When your not around its like, a chunk of me is missing. I need you like I need my air, I hate it that I can't have you the way I used too. I know I made a choice that you can't stand with, and you probably hate me-"

I couldn't listen anymore. All I wanted was an explanation but now that I got one I don't know what to think. What he did was wrong, but I just want one last moment with him. I pulled him close one last time sealing our lips together. Back in the same position as before, except now both of our faces had slight tear stains on them. Before I knew it, we were walking toward one of the couches without releasing our lips from each other. We slid down the couch, he sat upward and planted me firm on his lap with my legs straddling him. We continued to make out as he was moving my hips backing forth on his lap. That's when the air and room around us began to slightly static a little more than it was a moment ago. Luke pulled away, leaving me feeling a little empty without his face on mine.

"Y/N, the dreamscape, its about to close.." Luke began,

"What does that mean?" It can't be ending yet, please I haven't had enough time.

"It means we're about to wake up, and we might not see each for awhile.. I'm sorry" Luke apologized, he stared into my eyes for a split second before reaching into his pocket to grab something. "Here."

There it was, his camp necklace with all five beads on them. I slowly picked up and held them close, like they might be the last thing I'll ever get from him. "Thank you, Luke"

"I love you, Y/N."

"I love you more, Luke-"

I shot up in your bed, drenched in sweat. I looked around my cabin, seeing everyone sound asleep in their bunks. Then I noticed something sitting in my hand, had it really been real? I looked down and of course, there it was. Luke's necklace. A lonesome tear slid down my face as I stared at it, but it wasn't out of sadness, I was smiling. I felt better knowing I finally got to talk to him, knowing I finally got what I wanted from him, and now have a little keepsake from him. I know I'm supposed to hate him, but I can't. In the meantime, I'll start healing and starting over, but never will I hate Luke castellan nor forget him. I'll keep the beaded necklace in my pocket for now, I don't know how to explain how I got it, or what I did to get it.

..............................................................................................................................

I've never written anything before, so lemme know gang

[blakeswritingimagines]

You Marry Someone Else

Aegon: I'd have to say he'd react to it with a mix of emotions. Of course, he'd be happy for you if you found someone who makes you happier then he ever did. But at the same time, he'd definitely feel a sense of regret… and a bit of envy. Seeing the person he loves be with someone else, it doesn't exactly feel good. He would undoubtedly feel insecure and threatened, as he contemplated the future you might've have had together if this fate had not come to pass. He would wonder why you did not choose him. What you saw in this other person that you did not see in him. And he might even question his own worthiness to be loved.

Aemond: He would do what he must to stop whatever you thought was going to happen. He will not be a cuckold, a laughingstock, the man who stood aside and let his love marry another?. No, the love of his life will be his and his alone. With every fiber of his being , he would fight to the death to keep you from marrying anyone but him. No other man is worthy to have you as his for life.

Jacaerys: He would be greatly saddened that the person he has come to care for so deeply has chosen another over himself. However, he would not attempt to prevent the marriage from occurring. Instead, he would attempt to distance himself from the situation, in order to allow himself time to grieve and move on. He would also remind himself that it is possible for multiple people to be deserving of love, and that just because you have fallen in love with another person does not mean you can't also care deeply for him.

Lucerys: His heart is broken. He will not seek another marriage. You will forever remain in his mind and in his heart. Despite all of the political and personal reasons, he will always care for, and love you. He'd be a bit disappointed, but ultimately he wouldn't object if you found someone who you truly cared about. It's your life, not his, and you deserve to make your own decisions about it. He'd never stand in the way of your happiness.

Rhaenyra: To see the love of her life wed to someone else would be, undoubtedly, one of the darkest moments of her life. Her heart would feel as if it were being twisted in her chest, knowing her love was with another. She would be wracked with grief and loss, her mind running over the memories you both have made together, and the many hopes and dreams that have been shared.

Daemon: He would feel both hurt and betrayed by the news. He would be upset to know that you who he had once loved and wished to marry, is now the partner of another. He would also be angry with himself for not having done more to win your hand when he had the chance. It would be a difficult thing to accept, but he would have to move forward and try to put the past behind him. However, the thought that you are now with another would eat away at him for some time, leaving him feeling sad and despondent.

Alicent: If someone she did not choose to marry for herself decided you wanted to marry someone else, she would be enraged beyond all measure. She would not let her betrothed go easily, but if you were adamant that this was what you wanted, she would have no choice but to acquiesce. She would do what she could to prevent the marriage, but if she failed, her resentment and wrath would be the stuff of legend.

Helena: She would be heartbroken if you were to marry someone else. She loves you with all of her heart, and to think of you sharing that love with another person would break the very fabric of her soul. It's impossible to think of you not by her side, not sharing her every joy and sorrow, every triumph and defeat. She would never get over such a loss, and she would do anything in her power to prevent it from happening.

Harwin: He'd be a bit disappointed, but ultimately he wouldn't object if you found someone who you truly cared about. It's your life, not his, and you deserve to make your own decisions about it. He'd never stand in the way of your happiness even if you are what he wants.

Cregan: He would challenge the person to a duel. He would win even if he had to cheat. No person alive can best him in battle. Once they're gone, you will marry him and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. He would be forced to take drastic measures to prevent you from marrying another. He would not hesitate to kill anyone foolish enough to stand between him and his true love. And if you did not see it his way, he would force you to comply with his wishes. You are his destiny, and he would do whatever it takes to prevent you from marrying anyone but him.

[astrachigo]

Eternal Dream 🌙🌌

My submission for the Glitch Inn contest!

☆

Uhh.. okay. This is it.

I would like to thank you all for being there for me. If it weren't for MD, I wouldn't meet all of you! I met new friends, gained an audience and awesome readers.. it's so shocking to me how far I've come.

I discovered MD back in 2021, when Liam dropped the teaser. I had no idea how much this show would impact my life, and I really mean it when I say that it changed my online life. Not just online, but irl, too!

I never thought I would get back into writing, but I loved the show so much that I just had to write something for it. It all began with a one-shot. A small one-shot that was more-so of a vent fic. But.. look at me now. I've achieved more than I thought I would thanks to you!

I'd like to thank you all. For being there for me. For reading my stuff and supporting me. It means so much to me, it seriously makes me want to cry.

It's sad that the show is over, but I will always cherish the memories I made with it. Forever and ever.

I'd like to thank my friends, whom I met thanks to our shared passion for the show.

Special thanks to these people that I met: Diane, Vivie, Solga, Brookie, Xeon, Kio, DB, InspiredDragonWriter, Cipher and Rikki! You guys are wonderful friends and it's always so much chatting with all of you! Thank you for being there for me. Even if we are not chatting much, you guys are still wonderful people, and I am just glad to have you guys by my side! Thank you for being my friends!

Another special thanks goes to my dear, beloved server members. Thank you for joining and just.. being there for me. It's always so much fun chatting with all of you. I was so scared to create my own Discord server because of my past with them, but I am so happy that I opened it, regardless.

Some special thanks goes to the most active members there: Rozen, Stuki, Stella, Cherry Juice, Jello, Pay, Vee, Fez, Shadow, Apostate, Shortcake, Aza, WinterWhiteLodge! Thank you for being so active in the server and making me laugh!!

Thank you, guys, for being there for me. Remember, this is not the end of our adventure just yet! There is still so much more to come, and I have some ideas in store that I wish to share with you all!

Thank you. I love you all.

[stationintern]

Hello all!

This month was, truly, a beautiful month for me reading-wise. The birds were chirping, I found smut that made me sweat, and I revisited some old favorites. Let's jump right in. I am so excited to share these with you. (Hence why I am posting this a day early.)

Strap in!

Dwelling On Dreams by @the-sinking-ship for H/D Big Bang 2021, 135k, E

I reread this fic this month, and it was just as delicious as I remembered. There are aspects of this fic that felt burned into my memory, so it came as a shock to me when I realized that the last time I'd read this fic was over a year ago. Everything about it feels so vivid. Harry's magic, his raw sexual energy. Draco's ability to make me scream at my phone and throw a mini temper-tantrum. I love flashbacks, and this fic has them in abundance. If you're looking for a thick read with complex characters and an interesting case to solve, look no further!

Hear Me Out by @rainstormradish for @dronarryfest 2024, 5.2k, E

I am pleased to announce that I have officially bought my ticket and jumped on the Dronarry train. You've all convinced me. This fic, in particular, is what really got the ball rolling. This was... immaculate. When I said I found smut that made me sweat, I MEANT IT. I had to, like, physically reconnect with my limbs after I read this. A bit of fake dating to start you off, and it only gets better from there.

The Way You Say My Name by InnerLilith 5.3k, E

Ya'll ever just bark at your phone? Sometimes, a girl just wants to read about Harry Potter going absolutely bonkers over Draco Malfoy calling him sweet little names. Very hot, very important to me.

Please hold. Your call is very important to us./Bloodlust and Bureaucracy by @goblinmatriarch 5k, T/8.5k E

DOUBLE FEATURE! I love the smell of wizarding bureaucracy in the morning. What a little world you have built! Authors who can create a new little piece of the wizarding world to explore mean the world to me. Very interesting in regards to how the medical system in the wizarding world relates to its real-world counterparts. Also, some biting action. Very smart, very hot.

Crossed Wires by @skeptiquewrites 11k, E

Critics are raving. "Literally ripping up the wallpaper in my home," says one reviewer. "Gnawing at the bars of my enclosure," says another. Bureaucracy lovers win forever and ever. Also, Draco gets to wear many suits. Harry Potter the reluctant politician. I couldn't have wished for more.

Our Objective Remains Unchanged by @citrusses 46k, E

BOATS, REPRESSION, MORE BOATS, EDGING (for sports purposes), EVEN MORE REPRESSION, AND WILL YOU BELIEVE ME IF I SAY THERE'S MORE BOATS. I don't know how you've done it, but you've managed to parallel the epic highs and lows of college rowing with the literal wizarding war. If that isn't talent, I don't know what is babe.

Truth or Dare? by @lettersbyelise 3.4k, E

There is truly nothing more intimate than jerking off your childhood rival while a party goes on around you. THAT, my friends, is the key to post-war, inter-house unity.

Borrowed Time by @the-starryknight for @dronarryfest 2024, 7.6k, E

Oh this was fire. What do you know about body swapping threesomes? Would you like to know more? Yes. Yes, you would.

Alrighty, I think that's all for now, folks. Very thankful to be in a fandom with so so so many talented people. You all blow my mind. Here's to another month of fantastic fiction!

See ya!

XX, Moon

[fatecantstopme]

Not Yours to Take

Pairing: Dean Winchester x reader

Summary: In which Dean begs Castiel to take away your memories of him to keep you safe.

Warnings: cursing, use of pet names, canon violence.

A/N: Told from Dean's perspective. Shares some similarities to Cass taking Lisa and Ben's memories.

"Absolutely not," I said angrily.

"Dean...come on. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself on a hunt. You know that," she responded calmly.

"This isn't a normal hunt, (Y/N). I don't want you anywhere near it."

"I don't care. I'm not letting you go alone!"

"I've hunted alone hundreds of times, I'll be fine."

"You just said this isn't a normal hunt. Going alone is a suicide mission. Hell, the whole damn thing could be a trap."

"Exactly!" I yelled. "So why would I put you in danger like that?"

"Our lives are dangerous! We choose to keep fighting every damn day, no matter the cost--why should this be any different?"

"Because I can't lose you!"

She stared at me quietly, sadness etched onto her beautiful face. "Dean..."

"No--don't look at me like that. With Sam...with Sam gone, it's just you and me. You're all I have."

She sighed. "You still have Cass."

I shook my head. "He's never around anymore. Too busy with whatever angel business he's got going on."

"There's no one else to call," she said softly.

I knew she was right--hell, I knew I shouldn't do this alone, but that didn't mean I was going to risk her life. I crossed the short distance between us and gently touched her cheek. "I shouldn't have yelled...but my mind is made up. I need you to stay here."

She looked defeated as her pretty (y/e/c) eyes met mine. I hated seeing that look on her face, but I would rather have her alive and angry at me than dead.

"Fine," she murmured. "Just--for the love of God, be careful."

"Careful is my middle name, darlin'," I joked.

She rolled her eyes. "'Reckless' is more accurate."

I grinned as I placed a soft kiss to her lips. "I'll be back by midnight, okay? I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Dean Winchester."

"I'm coming back, (Y/N)," I said softly. I turned away from her to grab my jacket and my bag, unable to look at her any longer. She was scared for my life and she had every right to be...

We'd been hearing rumblings in the last several months of a supernatural hit that had been placed on my life. Basically every monster was out to get me--I'd become the hunted. I wished Sam was here every day, but he was one more person I couldn't save. I would be damned if (Y/N) was added to that list.

I started to walk out the motel room door when I heard her inhale a shaky breath. I couldn't look at her--couldn't bare to see the worry in her eyes--so I turned my head back in her direction, but my eyes were trained on the floor. "I love you, baby."

"I love you too, Dean," she whispered.

I walked out the door without looking back, knowing there was no way I would leave if I looked at her.

**********

I made my way to an old abandoned farmhouse just outside of town. We knew there were reports of a demon infestation of some kind. Our intel indicated this was the demons' home base. I had this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, which intensified the closer I got, but I did my best to ignore it.

I opted to park the Impala about a half mile away to keep the demons from hearing me coming. I walked the rest of the way, staying off the main road.

When the farmhouse finally came into view, I noticed it was completely dark. It didn't look like anyone was home. As I crept closer, I continued to see signs of abandonment and disrepair. There were no indications that anyone--human or not--had been there in a long time.

That feeling in my gut crept back up and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. My hunter's instinct told me something was very wrong and I would be wise to listen to it.

Suddenly, my phone began to buzz in my pocket. I pulled it out and the screen lit up with (Y/N)'s name. A sense of worry came over me and I answered without hesitation. "Hey baby, you okay?"

I heard muffled sounds on the other end of the phone and my heart began to beat faster. "Babe?"

I listened more closely and I heard what could only be described as sounds of a struggle. I felt a wave of panic wash over me and my grip on the phone tightened. "(Y/N) answer me!" I yelled.

I started running back towards the car, not giving a damn if someone saw or heard me. Whatever was happening to (Y/N) was happening back at the motel--so that was where I needed to be.

I wasn't more than 100 meters from the car when I heard a terrifying sound that cut me straight to the bone. It was clearly a woman's cry of pain--and I knew in an instant it was (Y/N)'s voice.

"(Y/N)!" I yelled into the phone as I ripped open the driver's door of the car and slid in. "(Y/N/N), answer me, please!"

The engine roared to life and I took off in the direction of the motel. There was nothing but silence on the other end of the phone and terror had begun wrapping its icy tendrils around my heart. "Baby, please..." I whispered, not expecting a response.

"I'm sorry, (Y/N) can't come to the phone right now. Can I take a message?" an unfamiliar voice said through the phone.

"Who the hell is this and where is (Y/N)?" I asked angrily.

"She's right here, but she's a little--unconscious--at the moment." The voice chuckled. "Who I am is really not important. All you need to know is I'm here to collect on a bounty."

My foot pressed down harder on the gas and I tried to control my breathing. "Look here you son of a bitch. If you hurt her, I swear to God, I will kill you and everything you have ever loved."

The voice chuckled once more. "The famous Dean Winchester bravado. I had a feeling I would like you."

I had already assumed he knew who I was, but with my suspicions confirmed, my fear for (Y/N) only increased. "I'm the one you want, so why don't you leave her out of this."

"You know, I would, but you've been a very hard man to track down. I figured going after the person you love most would just make my job easier. Now, you'll come right to me."

I knew there was no point in arguing. The panic in my voice when I was yelling for (Y/N) had already made it very clear how I feel about her. "If I hand myself over, you'll let her go?"

There were a few beats of silence before the man responded. "I will agree to those terms."

"Good. I'll be there in 20 minutes."

I hung up the phone and continued to speed towards the motel. I had a feeling that whatever this creature was that had (Y/N) wouldn't have any qualms about ignoring the terms of our deal. I couldn't just go in there and hand myself over, but I also couldn't go in guns blazing. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I'm not suicidal.

I exhaled heavily, mind set on what I needed to do. I didn't want to--I didn't even know if he'd respond, but I didn't have any other choice.

"Castiel," I said aloud. "I, uhh--I could really use your help here."

All I could hear was the roar of the car's engine.

"Come on, Cass--I know you're busy, but this is important. I'm not praying to you just for fun."

Still nothing.

"Damnit, Cass! It's (Y/N). I need you, man. Please." I hated begging, but desperate times and all that...

"I'm here Dean."

I jumped slightly as Castiel appeared in the seat beside me. "I know I called you, but it's freaky as hell when you do that."

"Sorry," he said simply. "You said this was important?"

"Some asshole kidnapped (Y/N) and I need your help."

"Why would someone kidnap (Y/N)?"

"Oh, I don't know Cass--maybe it's because I have a goddamn bounty on my ass!" I said sarcastically.

"I see. They're using (Y/N) to get to you."

"Good job. Now we're all caught up," I grumbled. "I don't know what we're dealing with, but my money is on a demon--probably a group of demons."

"I can see why you called me."

I shot him an annoyed glance, but didn't comment on his statement. "I left her at the motel thinking she'd be safer there--I never thought one of these monsters would come after her to get to me."

"It's not your fault, Dean."

I was surprised he said that--because it was definitely completely my fault. If I had just let her come with me, she wouldn't be in this situation. "Then who's fault is it, Cass?"

The angel remained silent. I sighed and focused my attention back on the road. "We're about 15 minutes out."

"Do you have a plan?"

I thought about it for a moment. "Yeah...it's not a great plan, but it's all I got."

**********

"You're right, that's a terrible plan," Cass commented.

"You got a better one?" When he didn't respond, I continued. "Didn't think so."

"We have no idea how many of them there are."

"I'm aware of that, Cass."

"Just making sure."

"Just...poof out of here so they don't see you. This only works if they think I'm alone."

I could tell he didn't like the idea of me walking into a trap by myself, but we really didn't have another option. When I glanced back over to the passenger seat a moment later, he was gone.

I took a deep breath. "God I really hope this works..."

**********

Ten minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot of the motel. I looked around and spotted at least five people milling about outside, all trying to look like they weren't focused on me.

I got out of the car and started walking to the room, heart hammering in my chest. I had salt and holy water in my pockets, and an angel blade tucked into my waistband. I was as prepared as I could possibly be on such short notice.

When I reached the door, I turned the handle and was surprised to find it unlocked. As I stepped inside, my eyes scanned the room as quickly as possible. There were at least four demons in the room and (Y/N) was tied to a chair in the center.

"Dean! So nice of you to join us," one of them said. It was the same voice I had spoken to on the phone.

"I'm here, as promised. So why don't you just let her go."

The demon's eyes flashed black and he gave me a dark smile. "Oh please...you didn't actually think I was going to let her go, did you?"

My jaw tightened and I felt anger bubbling beneath the surface of my skin. While I hadn't assumed he would let her go, I really didn't like hearing it.

"I warned you, you son of a bitch," I ground out. My eyes flicked over to (Y/N)'s unconscious form and I took note of the obvious injuries. God only knew what they'd done to her before I got here.

"Yes, yes, murder, blah, blah, blah," the demon muttered. "Unfortunately, I'd already caused her quite a bit of pain before I made that promise, so there was really no use in keeping it."

My hands clenched into fists and I fought the urge to attack. Four to one were not good odds...nine to one was even worse. I needed Castiel to pick off the demons outside before I picked a fight with these ones.

"So which one are you? Demon #4,235?" I asked.

"I am Ariel," he answered smugly.

I choked out a laugh. "You're the little mermaid?"

The demon growled lowly. "I am significantly more powerful than a mermaid." With a flick of his wrist, I went flying against the wall, unable to move no matter how hard I struggled.

"I really hate Disney," Ariel grumbled. "At least I'll be rewarded for delivering your head on a silver platter."

"That's nice," I grunted. "I hope King Triton is pleased."

Ariel tightened his fist and I suddenly couldn't breathe. This wasn't the first time I'd felt this sensation, but it sucked every damn time.

There was a strangled cry from outside the room and it got the attention of all four demons. Ariel loosened his grip on me and I was able to breathe again. "What was that?" he hissed.

The other three demons shrugged in confusion.

"One of you go check it out."

None of them looked like they wanted to go, but eventually one stepped forward and went outside to check. He left the door open behind him, but he never came back in.

"For the love of Hell," Ariel muttered as he moved towards the open doorway.

"Not Hell," Castiel said from inside the room, angel blade slicing through the skin of the nearest demon.

Ariel's hold on me kept me pinned to the wall, but I felt it weaken as he spun around in surprise. Cass had grabbed ahold of the last demon and sunk his blade into the demon's chest. He glanced up at Ariel and took a menacing step in his direction.

The demon immediately abandoned his meat suit, a massive cloud of black smoke escaping into the night. I fell to my knees as his power left with him, body aching from the intensity.

"(Y/N)," I gasped out as I got to my feet and rushed to her side. "(Y/N/N) can you hear me?"

She didn't respond and I felt a moment of panic as I rushed to cut the binds around her wrists and ankles. She fell into my arms and I picked her up with ease. "I need to get her to a hospital."

"Of course."

"Uh-uh. Don't you leave yet. I know you can't heal her, but I might still need your help."

Castiel looked perplexed, but he nodded and followed me to the car.

**********

I wanted to stay by (Y/N)'s side when we got to the hospital, but the nurses told me to stay back in the waiting room. Castiel took a seat to wait patiently, but I had too much adrenaline to sit down. I paced back and forth for a good half hour, my boots wearing a pattern into the old carpet.

People were giving me odd looks, which I ignored. I was singularly focused on remaining in control of my emotions as we waited for news about (Y/N)'s condition. In the strangers' defenses, I did have a fair amount of blood on my clothes, none of which belonged to me, and I probably looked a little angry--okay, maybe a lot angry.

"Riley," a doctor called from the front desk. It was the name I had given when I brought (Y/N) in.

I practically ran to the doctor, Castiel following behind me. "How is she?" I asked, worry lacing my voice.

"She was quite clearly in a rather violent altercation, but she's going to be alright. She sustained a head injury, as well as several lacerations and bruises, but she's awake and asking for 'Dean'. I assume that's one of you?"

My body visibly relaxed. "I'm Dean."

"Would you like to go see her?"

I nodded and the doctor gestured for me to follow. When Cass tried to come with us, the doctor shook his head. "I'm sorry, but only one person at a time."

I turned to look at him, but Cass waived me on. "Go. She needs you."

I nodded gratefully and followed the doctor to her room. When I walked through the door, I saw the woman I loved lying in the bed, looking smaller and weaker than I'd ever seen her. It was enough to nearly shatter my heart into a thousand pieces.

She looked up at me when I stepped through the door and offered me a soft smile. "Dean," she murmured lowly.

"Hey baby," I said softly. Tears were stinging my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I didn't want her to know how emotional I was feeling in the moment.

"I'll leave you two to talk," the doctor said before closing the door behind him.

I crossed the room and grabbed her hand, giving it a tight squeeze. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"For what?"

"For leaving you alone. I didn't think they would come after you..."

She squeezed my hand and a gentle smile graced her pretty face. "It's not your fault, Dean. Besides, I'm fine."

I nodded and bit my lip. "Thanks to Cass," I admitted.

"Thanks to both of you," she insisted.

I offered her a small smile. "I'm glad you're okay."

She tried to pull herself up into a more comfortable sitting position, but a gasp of pain escaped her lips and she slumped back against the pillows.

"Hey, don't try to move too much. Let me help you."

"Thanks," she mumbled.

I started to help her adjust so she'd be more comfortable. "Lean forward for me, baby, let me fix these pillows."

She nodded and leaned forward, giving me access to the crappy hospital pillows that were wedged between her back and the bed. As I moved them, her hospital gown shifted slightly, revealing her right shoulder blade to me. My body stiffened and I inhaled sharply as I took in the mangled skin where her anti-possession tattoo had once been.

I tried to keep my exterior calm as I finished adjusting the pillows and she leaned back against them, wincing at the pain. My face must have betrayed me, because when she looked up at me, a worried expression crossed her face.

"Dean? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I lied smoothly. "I just don't like seeing you in pain."

She nodded, but didn't look entirely convinced. I had no way of knowing if she was already possessed or not, but there was one surefire way to find out. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small vial of holy water I had there from earlier in the evening.

Unfortunately, she noticed my movements and her eyes narrowed. "I really wouldn't do that if I were you," she hissed, eyes turning black as night. "You'll hurt your precious (Y/N)."

Anger flared up inside me. "Get the hell out of my girl, you black eyed son of a bitch."

She laughed. "Why would I do that when I'm having so much fun in here? She's in here with me, you know. Wide awake and fighting."

She got out of the bed with shocking speed and sent me flying across the room. Apparently the demon had been faking pain to make me think it was (Y/N).

"You know what the best part of all this is, Dean?" The demon asked as it approached me. "She's going to watch helplessly as I gut you like a pig. I might even make her eat your entrails, just for fun."

I winced as I pulled myself into a sitting position. I was getting really tired of being tossed around like a damn rag doll. "I think you underestimate her," I said with a grunt of discomfort.

"The fight weakened her before I ever possessed her. She's not strong enough to overpower me." The demon leaned forward and grabbed my face in its hands. "You're not much of a threat either without your little angel pal--and you won't do a damn thing to hurt your beloved (Y/N)."

The demon was right about one thing--I wouldn't hurt (Y/N), at least not irreparably. I still had the bottle of holy water in my hand and I made the split section decision to toss it into her face. "Sorry, baby," I muttered as the demon jumped back in pain.

I managed to get to my feet, but the demon flung me against the wall again, holding me still with its power. I managed to gasp out (Y/N)'s name before the demon began to suffocate me.

I stared at the face of the person I loved most in this hellscape of a world and silently pleaded with her to wake up--to fight back. I didn't want to die, but more importantly, I didn't want her to have to live with the guilt.

I was starting to fade, I knew I was going to black out soon and then it would be all over for me. I struggled against the power that held me in place, but it was useless. I saw the demon pull a knife out of a bag of (Y/N)'s clothes. I recognized it instantly as the knife I'd given her as a gift when we first got together. Fitting that it would be the weapon that kills me.

The demon began to approach me and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was truly about to die. What was worse was the accompanying fear along with it. Would I be going back to Hell? Would (Y/N) be okay without me? Would I get to see my brother again?

Suddenly, the demon's black eyes flickered back to (Y/N)'s normal (y/e/c) ones. Her hand shook and she dropped the knife she was holding, a strained gasp escaping her throat. The demon's power over me faded in an instant, and I sunk to the floor, gasping for breath.

"Dean," she gasped, her face contorted in pain as she struggled to hold the demon at bay. "I can't--I can't hold him off much longer."

"Cass!" I yelled, trying to summon the angel for help.

"Exorcise him or kill me," (Y/N) begged. "I can't let him kill you, but I'm not strong enough to maintain control."

I suddenly wished I'd paid more attention when Sammy tried to teach me Latin...at least the words to the damn exorcism. "I can't remember the words," I said in distress.

"Then you have to kill me," she pleaded.

"I can't. I won't."

"The demon--it won't...won't let me recite the words."

"Son of a bitch," I muttered under my breath. I pulled myself off the floor and took a step towards her. "Hang on for me, baby. Please."

She nodded and I turned my back to her to open the door. I stuck my head out in the hallway and saw Castiel sitting patiently at the other end. Clearly no one had noticed the commotion happening in this room, including the angel. I stepped out into the hallway and waved to him, hoping he would see me.

Cass looked up at me and I waved to him, motioning for him to come here immediately. He stood up and started walking towards me and I gestured for him to come to the room. I ducked back in and closed the door. A second later, Cass appeared inside the room.

"What's going on, Dean?"

"She's possessed."

"That's not possible."

"The demons cut off my anti-possession tattoo," (Y/N) said through gritted teeth. "So, a little help would be nice."

Castiel fixed his gaze on her and his eyes widened slightly. "I can see the demon within you."

"That's disturbing," I muttered. "Get it out of her."

"I can't without killing her."

"What? Use your mojo, dude. That's what you do."

"Haven't you ever noticed my 'mojo' as you call it burns out a person's eyes?"

I thought back to all the times I'd seen Cass kill a demon and realized he was right. "Shit."

"Do you know an exorcism?" (Y/N) managed to ask. "Preferably a fast one."

"I know where I can get one." With those words, Castiel disappeared into thin air.

"Not a great time to disappear, Cass!" I yelled at nothing.

"He'll be back," (Y/N) said. "I think."

"Are you okay? How much longer can you hold him off?"

"He's really strong, so not much longer. Also, he really doesn't like you."

"Most demons don't," I said with a shrug.

"He keeps muttering something about the little mermaid. I don't know why."

My eyes widened slightly. "Well I do. His name is Ariel...and I may have made a little mermaid joke when we met earlier."

She managed a weak laugh. "A demon named Ariel. Awesome."

In any other circumstances, I would have laughed with her, but I was too worried to appreciate the humor.

"I have the exorcism," Castiel said as he reappeared beside me.

"Great!" I grabbed the book from his hand and realized it was my dad's journal. I held the leather tightly as I began to read the words from the page. "Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas omnis incursio infernalis adversarii..."

The more I read, the more intense (Y/N)'s struggle became. She fell to her knees and cried out in pain, but I kept reading. I needed that demon to get the hell out of her body.

"Ergo, Draco maledicte et omnis legio diabolica, adiuramus te! Adinos!" The moment I finished speaking, (Y/N)'s head flew back and black smoke escaped her mouth.

After a few seconds, her body collapsed on the floor and I rushed to her side. "(Y/N)!"

She lifted her head and her eyes met mine. She offered me a weak smile and said, "I'm fine."

I breathed a sigh of relief and helped her off the floor and back into bed. "Cass, go grab an anti-possession necklace from the trunk of my car."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, Cass was gone.

"I feel like I owe you another apology," I said softly.

"For what?"

"Well...you didn't exactly get my first apology and I also need to apologize for letting you get possessed."

"You didn't let anything happen, Dean. None of this was your fault. Shit like this happens to people in this life...I know what I signed up for."

Cass reappeared with the necklace before I could respond. I took it from him and placed it around her neck, breathing a sigh of relief once it was in place.

"I will wait outside," Cass announced. He disappeared again before either of us could say a word.

"Angels," I muttered under my breath, earning a light laugh from (Y/N).

I turned my attention back to her and I sighed. I hated seeing her like this--I hated seeing her hurt and in pain. It made me want to kill whatever had caused her pain, only this time it was all my fault.

"Dean, I wanna go home," she whispered.

I wished more than anything that we had an actual home to go to, instead of yet another shitty motel. I wished I could give her the life she deserved, but I knew that would never be in the cards for us.

"Alright," I murmured, placing a soft kiss to her forehead. "Lemme talk to the doctor."

**********

We drove for over an hour to a slightly nicer motel in another town. I didn't want her recovering in that rundown place--the same place she'd been attacked and possessed.

(Y/N) was asleep in the backseat when we arrived, having fallen asleep almost immediately after leaving the hospital. Cass and I had ridden in silence the entire time, allowing me to have time to think.

I got us a room while Cass waited with (Y/N) in the car. When I returned, I gently woke her up and helped her into our room.

"I wanna take a shower," she stated. "I feel disgusting."

I knew the feeling, so I agreed to her request even though I was worried about her falling. Besides, I needed some time to talk to Cass alone.

I helped her into the bathroom and started the shower for her. She refused my help any further and shooed me out of the room. "I'm weak, Dean, but I'm not an invalid."

I chuckled and threw my hands up in surrender. "Just yell if you need me."

She waved me off again and I walked out of the bathroom, leaving her to her own devices.

Cass had sat down in a chair near the door and I made my way towards him. I didn't want to have this conversation...I didn't want to ask of this of him, but I didn't see another option.

"Thanks for coming to the rescue today," I began.

"You know I will always help you," he responded.

I nodded. "I actually need your help one more time before you go."

"With what?"

I took a deep breath. "This bounty thing--the price on my head--it's putting the people I love at risk. More risk than I ever imagined." I started pacing back and forth as I spoke, letting the words just flow. "What happened today just solidified it for me, ya know? I'm obviously living at risk every day of my life, but that doesn't mean I should be dragging other people into it. I mean, look at all I've lost so far--you and (Y/N) are all I have left."

I paused, needing a minute to just breathe. "My worst fears almost came true today. (Y/N) was hurt because of me...she could have died because of me. Then she was possessed by a demon who wanted to kill me? Imagine if he'd been successful! She would have had to live with that guilt the rest of her life and it would have killed her. I don't want this for her--any of it. She deserves better and I need you to give it to her."

I sat down on the bed facing Cass with a sigh. My head dropped into my hands and I felt tears pressing against the backs of my eyelids.

"What is it you're asking me to do?"

I stayed silent for a moment, taking those precious seconds to make sure this was the right decision. When I was certain, I looked up at my friend, sadness etched into my face. "I need you to take away her memories. I want her to forget about this life--to forget any of this exists. I want her to forget about demons and angels and all the shit that goes bump in the night. I want her to forget about the death and the pain and the endless battles. I want her to live a happy, normal, safe life--far away from this...far away from me."

Cass stared at me in silence for a moment. Neither one of us were aware our conversation was no longer private--the shower had turned off over a minute ago.

"Do you understand what you're asking? She will know nothing of this life, which means she won't remember you."

The tears finally pushed through my mental block and slid down my face. "I know. I hate the idea of her being out in the world loving someone who isn't me, but I can handle it because she'll be safe. She'll be happy. She needs to forget me...or she'll never be safe."

I heard the bathroom door open and I quickly wiped my eyes, trying to hide the pain I was feeling. I turned towards her, trying to put a smile on my face, but it slipped away the moment I saw her expression.

She was standing there, hair wet and dripping, wrapped in nothing but a bath towel. Her eyes were filled with sadness and a pain so deep it broke my heart.

"Castiel, will you give us a minute, please?" she asked softly, but firmly.

"I'll just be...outside," he muttered as he disappeared.

"(Y/N)--"

"No, Dean. This is my time to talk," she said cutting me off. "Sometimes you make me so incredibly angry--like a violent level of angry I didn't even know I was capable of. You're so...so...arrogant. So certain you're right and every one else is wrong. You make decisions without stopping to think how those decisions affect other people--you make decisions on my behalf without even consulting me. Do you ever stop to think about how I feel?"

"(Y/N), I--it's for your own protection--"

"Damn my protection, Dean! And damn you!" she yelled. "You don't get to decide for me. You don't get to determine my life path! You don't wanna be with me, then that's your prerogative, but don't you dare make that decision for me. I chose this life with eyes wide open. I knew the dangers, I knew the risks, and I chose it anyway. I chose you, Dean Winchester, knowing everything that comes along with that."

I starred at her in stunned silence--I'd never seen her this angry before.

Tears streamed down her face as she continued. "I have loved every moment of our life together--the good and the bad. I wouldn't choose anything else, certainly not a 'normal' life. I love hunting monsters with you. I love saving people with you. I love traveling the country with you. I love living in shitty, dingy motels with you. I love getting into fights, coming home bruised and bleeding, battling our way through everything that comes our way. Do you know why? Because I'm with you--because I love you. So don't you dare take my memories from me, Dean Winchester. They are not yours to take."

I stood up and crossed the room with surprising speed. I wrapped her up in my arms, holding her tightly to my chest. She leaned into me, ignoring the pain her body was in. I kissed her on top of her head and held her for a long time before she finally pulled away from me.

"I just want to protect you," I whispered.

"I know, Dean...but the safest place for me will always be right beside you. There's no place else I'd rather be."

I touched her face and closed my eyes, just feeling her warmth emanate from within. I knew I couldn't live without her--at least not happily...I needed her more than I ever cared to admit. I wanted to protect her--to keep her safe, but maybe she was right. Maybe the safest place for her was in my arms. I would die to protect her--I would kill to protect her. Who else would be willing to do that?

"I love you, (Y/N) (Y/L/N), and I'm sorry."

She smiled up at me. "I love you too, Dean...and I know you are. Just don't try that shit again."

I chuckled lightly and leaned down to kiss her. Part of me hated admitting she was right, but I knew from that moment on, I would never let her go. Never.

[ddoxhan]

stay by my side

if there is no one next to you I’ll just be behind you, just stay by my side

word count : 0.9k words

genre : classic angst; giselle x gn! reader; days were never the same anymore but your feelings for aeri will always be unchanging for as long time exists

t/w : nothing :) this is just some good ol' angst

a/n : not much plot to it but ! it's the feels of not being able to forget someone and maybe, you're better off longing for them than try pressing down your feelings. anyone out there longing for their special someone, I just wanna say it's okay to feel that way :3 it may not be the healthiest choice, but allow yourself to long for that person until you feel it's time to actually let them go <3 enjoy !

things were just never the same anymore, it couldn't. I'd keep having dreams about you, about us. those sweet, spring memories we shared now embedded in my head like a broken record. those days when we spent our mornings showering each other with kisses, when we would take night walks in the park, when we talked about spending the rest of our lives together. those days, when we loved each other like there was no tomorrow. we did, but it just didn't last forever just like what we had wished under that shooting star.

I admit, that I still love you, the same or maybe even more than I did back then. I truly believed that we were meant to be, and no one can tell me otherwise as I've seen those eyes of yours bear the same endearment for me as I do for you. it sounds cheesy, but I am willing to be if it's you. however, as much as I want to let go of you, I don't think I'd ever come to terms with the fact that you did. we were so beautiful, don't you think so? it was as if the world revolved around us. I know we will never be able to go back to those days, to love each other again.

every night that came and went in the same repertoire. staring straight at the ceiling, reminiscing the times I still had you in my arms, crying myself to sleep, jolting awake from the same nightmare, hugging myself back to sleep. the pain was almost unbearable when it gets to the nightmare. it was my regrets for not doing my best for you, and the mistakes that I wished I hadn't made. I could never stand to see tears in your eyes, especially if it was because of me. on the day you left, you looked me in the eye, with tears threatening to roll down your crimson cheeks. that moment broke my heart to pieces, noticing the burning sensation of the wind against my skin.

it seems I have already lost you, with no chance to turn back time.

when I'm sober, everything I did numbed me to the core. when I wake up to your side of the bed empty, seeing that the once lively space all dull with silence, the fridge slowly emptying, leaving nothing but water and some alcohol. it's like I stopped functioning properly when you're not with me. the flowers that you loved so much don't look as lively, the warm breeze that greeted us daily slowly getting chilly, the stars that we spent hours looking at don't sparkle as much. you brought so much color to my world, and it returned back to being monochromatic, like those times before I met you.

you brought so much joy to my life, and I have never felt so grateful for being alive. it was the first time I felt so euphoric, fortunate to see that very smile of yours when you look at me with such affection. that smile was for me, because of me, only me. you made me feel like the luckiest person on earth to love someone as wonderful as you are. I can only hope you felt the same way as I did.

all the things in my life took a turn, not a good one at that, after you left. you took a part of me with you when you told me that things weren't working out. what did that mean? was I not doing good enough? did your feelings for me change? there were so many questions I want to ask, but sometimes, they were better left unanswered. these daggers piercing through my heart are more than enough to leave me bleeding profusely till I can't feel love anymore.

as I spent each day, yearning for your warmth and affection, there's something that I've come to realize as I take a step back to look at things. there will be no one else who would be able to fill your spot, not even with time. it's been months, almost a year that I've been standing here, not knowing what is wrong with me. that's because, nothing is wrong. everything made so much sense.

I love you and nothing can ever change that fact. even if you don't love me anymore, that's okay. all I will do is just stand here right behind you, protecting you from the shadows. although there might not be someone who would be by your side all the time, I will be right here behind you. until the day I get the chance to stand next to you, be the one you can rely on, I will be here for you.

there will be a day where we meet again, whether it be by chance or fate. and when that day comes, I want to be stronger than I am now, to give you that smile you loved so much when we were us. until then, I will take this role as your dark knight. looking over you from somewhere you wouldn't notice, offering you a hand when you struggle, finding solace right here. I know you would be able to tell that I am here, but please, leave me be. for the day I am able to let you go, will hopefully come.

so let me stay by your side for now, aeri.

[poohsources]

🐝  *  ―  𝑰𝑻'𝑺 𝑵𝑶𝑻 𝑨 𝑷𝑯𝑨𝑺𝑬, 𝑴𝑶𝑴. ( a random assortment of various lyrics from emo songs. feel free to change pronouns if needed. )

❛  i know you well enough to know you never loved me.  ❜ ❛  i am finished with you.  ❜ ❛  you were the last good thing about this part of town.  ❜ ❛  so don't go worrying about me, it's not like i think about you constantly.  ❜ ❛  do you feel like a man when you push her around? do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?  ❜ ❛  take back everything you ever said, you never meant a word for it.  ❜ ❛  i'm glad i didn't die before i met you.  ❜ ❛  say anything, but say what you mean.  ❜ ❛  what the hell is wrong with me? my friends say i should act my age.  ❜ ❛  it's no surprise to me, i am my own worst enemy.  ❜ ❛  i'm sick of the things i do when i'm nervous, like cleaning the oven or checking my tires or counting the number of tiles on the ceiling.  ❜ ❛  well, you treat me just like another stranger.  ❜ ❛  but i don't wanna feel a thing anymore.  ❜ ❛  doesn't it feel like your time is running out?  ❜ ❛  i don't blame you for being you but you can't blame me for hating it.  ❜ ❛  and up until now, i have sworn to myself that i'm content with loneliness.  ❜ ❛  i'll keep you my dirty little secret. don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret.  ❜ ❛  and all the times you promised me that everything would work out in the end, you were gravely mistaken.  ❜ ❛  thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great.  ❜ ❛  i never thought we'd make it out alive.  ❜ ❛  i know somewhere, somehow we'll be together.  ❜ ❛  honestly? honestly, i can't remember all my teenage feelings. and the meanings.  ❜ ❛  the more i try, the more i lose.  ❜ ❛  why can't i feel anything from anyone other than you?  ❜ ❛  second chances they don't ever matter, people never change.  ❜ ❛  and the hardest part is letting go of the nights we shared.  ❜ ❛  you contradict the fact that you still want me around.  ❜ ❛  don't ever look back. they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance.  ❜ ❛  you don't know what it's like to be like me.  ❜ ❛  i kept my word when i swore that i would let you down.  ❜ ❛  so let's just pretend everything and anything between you and me was never meant.  ❜ ❛  and i fell for the promise of a life with purpose. but i know that's impossible now.  ❜ ❛  glad the future didn't fail you like it failed me.  ❜ ❛  but i wish that i'd never met a lot of the people that i've met. not because i don't like them but because i only let them down.  ❜ ❛  don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head.  ❜ ❛  can we pretend to leave and then we'll meet again.  ❜ ❛  let's just forget everything we said and everything we did.  ❜ ❛  i don't want to waste my time, become another casualty of society.  ❜ ❛  so i told her i loved her, and she told me she loved me. and i mostly believed her and she mostly believed me.  ❜ ❛  the truth is you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.  ❜

[hearts-hunger]

evergreen — part five

Read on AO3 | Masterlist | Cabin Fever Masterlist | Join my taglist here!

Series Summary: Jake takes you on your first vacation to the cabin the gang stays at every year. When memories of past relationships loom heavy, will this vacation send cracks through the foundation of safety and trust you have in each other?

Chapter Summary: In your love nest, you and Jake heal every hurt.

Pairings: Jake x Reader, Josh x Baby, Sam x Danny | Genre: fluff, emotional h/c | Word Count: 2.5k | Warnings: sexual innuendo, smoking

A/N: The last chapter of this little fic! I'm so thankful for all the love you've showered on Jake and Sparrow, despite how silly they've been. I hope this chapter is everything you're hoping for! ♡

Coming into the tent was a tangle of something shy and gentle and cautious, wet hair plastered to your faces and shared looks of love and longing and apology as you tried to figure out what to say to each other. You both knew you needed to talk, but for a while, there was nothing but the sound of the rain; he helped you out of your boots and jacket, setting them neatly in the corner of the tent. You sat together in the doorway, watching the rain, smoking a few cigarettes from the crumpled pack from his jacket pocket.

“Thank you for my love nest,” you said. You brushed his wet, curly hair back from his face. “You didn't have to do all this, Jake. And in the middle of the night and in the rain, too.”

“I wanted to,” he said. “I wanted you to have a place that was just for you. You’re everything to me, and you deserve something from me that I haven't shared with anyone else.”

You knew you already had something from him that belonged to the two of you alone, and it wasn't your love nest, as wonderful as it was. You knew you had him, had his heart in a way that no one else ever had, just like he had yours.

A bruise showed on his neck, and you reached a cautious hand out to brush your fingers over it.

“I’m sorry, Jake,” you said softly. “All that — it was stupid. And it was my fault.”

He gave a rueful smile. “Takes two to tango, sparrow.”

You let your hand fall to your lap. “Yeah.”

He glanced over at you after a moment. “Besides, you were the one who said you didn't want to fight.”

“Much good it did me,” you said quietly. Though there was an understanding between you now, you still didn't know what to say, how to tell him things you could hardly sort out yourself. “I didn’t want to fight. Or maybe I did. I don't know.”

You put your cigarette out and looked for a place to put it; he held his hand out and put it in the pocket of his jacket. 

“I don't know why I always do this,” you said softly. “I don't know why I keep everything bottled up until it turns into a huge catastrophe.” You felt the sting of tears, remembering how you'd hurt him, how poorly you'd treated the one you loved more than anything, feeling guilty for your inability to give him the apology he deserved.

“And then I do this,” you said, “and make it a pity party for how stupid I am.”

He ran a soothing hand over your back. “Yeah. You do.” You could hear the smile in his voice. “Too bad I love you, sparrow.”

“Oh, you're joking, but it’s true,” you said miserably. “I was awful to you. I don't know how you put up with it.”

“I just told you why,” he said gently. He brushed his hands through your hair. “I love you, sparrow. Pity parties and all.”

You turned your tear-streaked face to him and met his eyes, sucking in a choppy breath. “Even like this?”

“Yes, sparrow. Even like this.” He brushed your tears away with a gentle touch. “I thought I told you not to cry, silly girl. You never listen to me.”

You couldn't help a watery laugh, and he gave you a tender smile. 

“I'm sorry I hurt you,” he said. “I didn't mean to, but I understand how that doesn't make it any easier. I'd be doing the same thing as you if it was the other way around.”

You shook your head. “You wish you could cry as much as I do, Kiszka. You don't ever cry.”

“That’s not true.” He tucked your hair behind your ear. “I cried when I left.” His smile was wry and rueful. “That's why I left, partly, to be all stoic and manly while I cried like a baby.”

Your heart twisted. “Jake. You could have woken me up.”

“Yeah, I know.” He grazed his knuckles over your cheek. “But you needed to sleep, and I couldn't figure out what to say to you anyway. The way I treated you... that was a mistake, sparrow, and I regret it. All of it — the fighting, the sex, not seeing you as you are, not giving you what you needed. I'm sorry.”

You bit the inside of your cheek, but your tears were starting in earnest again. “Me too, Jake. I’m sorry for all of it too.”

“My girl,” he said softly, a gentle, teasing smile on his face. “There you go again, looking at me with your heart in your eyes, everything spilling over.” 

He pulled you close; you leaned into his chest, your head thumping pitifully against his collarbone. He gave you a tight, comforting squeeze, rocking you gently.

“We’re a mess, aren’t we?” he asked.

You breathed a laugh. “I’d rather be a mess with you than do anything else.”

“Me too.”

“I love you, Jake.”

He kissed your forehead. “I love you too, sparrow. Come lay with me and let me show you how much.”

With soft, healing laughter, you helped each other out of your damp clothes and lay in the nest of pillows and blankets together. You pulled him close and combed your fingers through his hair.

“You’re beautiful,” you said softly. He was, all warm and soft under the golden fairy lights, and the peace that filled his expression now was more lovely to you than anything you'd ever seen.

A sweet blush pinked his cheeks. “Thank you, sparrow. You're beautiful too.”

He cradled your face in his palm and traced the pad of his thumb over your cheek. “I didn’t bring you here to sleep with you. We can if you want, but I understand if you don't. We can do whatever you want.”

You hummed. “How about mad libs?”

He chuckled. “If you want. It's your love nest, sparrow. You pick.”

You drew him close and kissed him, slow and sweet and deep. “I want to be with you, Jake.”

“I want to be with you too, sparrow.”

You spent long minutes relearning each other, his mouth gentle against yours, remembering how to love each other with patience and tender touches. He pulled you snug against him with a hand splayed over your back; you melted into him, safe and loved and mended. He kissed the places he’d left marks before, healing with every touch, until everything was right in the world.

He brushed his fingers over your cheek. “Let me make love to you, sparrow. Let me do it right this time.”

“Okay,” you said softly.

He stayed with you, close and warm and generous with his kisses, and you gave a contented sigh when you were joined. He was slow, gentle, patient; you blossomed under him like a flower opening to the sun, drinking in all of him, surrounded by him and the love he gave you so easily and willingly. 

“With me, sparrow,” he said, holding you close. “Please, love. With me.”

Pleasure, joy, something nameless and old and perfect; you felt them all when he moved inside you, when you heard his sigh and the words of love he spoke to you, when you felt the way he loved you and held you after.

“Sparrow, sparrow,” he said, gentle, breathless. “I love you. You're my heart. You know that, don't you?”

“Yes, Jake,” you said softly. You kissed him. “You’re my heart too.”

—

The rain kept up a steady beat on the roof of your tent, comforting now instead of lonely, and in the afterglow, Jake was full of laughter and bright with smiles you couldn't help but return. You talked about everything and nothing, listening to each other’s voices, coming together in pleasant interludes of hands on skin and tenderness in every place you needed it. 

“Let's never fight again,” you said.

He gave a gentle laugh, drawing your intertwined hands up to study them in the soft light. “Okay. It's not very realistic, honey, but we can try.”

“I mean... not like that again,” you said. His hand was the perfect fit for yours, callused and gentle and strong; the macrame bracelet you'd made for him years ago rested at his wrist. “You’re better at it than I am.”

He didn’t deny it; he couldn't, not when he was so good at it, at knowing when to step back and take a minute and when to talk again when you were both calmer. You relied on him in that, and it wasn't until now that you realized just how heavily you depended on his good judgement and diligence in it. 

It also made you realize just how angry you must have made him earlier to push him over the edge of that judgement. It was that thought that kept you from feeling completely content, and you felt you could apologize to him over and over and never do it enough.

“Jake,” you said softly. You tucked your hands between you. “Can you forgive me?”

He kissed your collarbone. “I already have, sparrow.”

Your throat felt tight. “How?”

“You know how,” he said gently. “Tell me.”

You drew him up to kiss you again. “Because you love me.”

“That’s right. Because I love you.”

“I love you too,” you said, meaning it more than anything you'd ever said in your life. “Teach me how to be better to you.”

“I like you the way you are, sparrow.”

You smiled. “I know that too. But you’d like me more if I knew how to tell you what I was feeling.”

He shrugged. “I’ll get better at reading you,” he said. “Teach me how to do that, and I’ll teach you to be a lover, not a fighter.”

You giggled as he kissed your neck. “Can we start right now?”

“Sure. Tell me how you're feeling. But first...” He gently stretched you out beneath him. “I think you're feeling safe, and happy, and.... hm. Maybe excited. A little.”

You laughed. “Correct. See, I told you — you’re better at it than I am.”

He hummed. “Anything else? Maybe I missed something.”

“Well...” You were a little bashful. “Maybe I feel kind of hungry.”

He gave a dramatic groan. “Oh, I knew I missed something.” He smiled and kissed you. “Let’s get you something to eat, then.”

You dressed again and found it was a short walk back to the cabin. In the bathroom mirror, you saw a bright, lovely color in your face and much preferred it to the sickly look you’d had before. You changed into clothes that weren't soaked with rain and ventured back out to the living room; Sam and Danny had gone to bed, but Josh and Baby were asleep on the couch, his head in her lap, her hands lightly tangled in his curls. She woke when you came in, looking up at you with a sleepy smile.

“All better?” she whispered.

You couldn't help a beaming smile. “Yeah. All better.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” she sighed. “I thought I was going to have to take you both by the ear and make you fix things.”

You gave a soft laugh. “No need. We’ve decided we’re never fighting again.”

Her smile turned to more of a smirk. “Well, good sex will do that. Let me know if you crack the code, and I’ll try it with this one.”

She gently roused her boyfriend and rewarded him with a kiss. “Bed, Joshy.”

He nodded, half-asleep. “Okay, baby.”

She gave your hand a gentle squeeze as she led him to bed, and you were so glad that everything was right in your family, that you were all happy and had the rest of your vacation to enjoy each other.

“Sparrow, my dearest.”

You turned towards the kitchen to see Jake with a hodgepodge of midnight snacks. 

“Chef Kiszka strikes again,” you teased.

He grinned. “Well, I figured you didn't want to wait for a full-blown Julia Child recipe, but I’ll make something fancier if you want.”

“No, this is perfect.” You stole a pretzel and popped it in your mouth. “Delicious. Better than anything Julia Child could make.”

He chuckled. “I’m glad you like it.”

“Can we take it back out to our love nest?”

“Uh... yes,” he said, looking around the kitchen. “I might have to throw it all in a Ziploc bag, though, to save it getting rained on.”

You hummed in agreement. “Like a weird trail mix.”

He smiled. “Something like that.”

Weird trail mix in hand, you went back out to your tent and got cosy again. He peeled a tangerine for you, handing you pieces of it and stealing a few for himself, and you found that he’d brought the copy of Rilke’s poems you’d gotten him last Christmas.

“I didn't know you actually liked this,” you said, thumbing through the dog-eared pages, seeing the notes he'd made in the margins. 

“What do you mean?” he asked. “Of course I liked it. I read it all the time. He’s your favorite.”

Your heart tilted. “He is my favorite.” You handed the book to him. “Will you read me our poem?”

He smiled. “As if you don't have it memorized,” he teased gently.

You shrugged. “It’s not the same as hearing you read it. I love to listen to your voice.”

He looked pleased and a little bashful, taking the book and opening it to the poem he’d used as words of love before you even knew he loved you. His voice was soft and warm as he read, giving every word its meaning as a little piece in a tapestry of affection and beauty.

“Show me the miracle of your hair unbound,” he read. “I want to surround you with your secret self... I want to close every place you've ever been with a kiss, leaving nothing but inner skies.”

You leaned close and let him kiss you and leave you with nothing but inner skies, deep, boundless, full of meaning and wonder. You lay together again, tucked close to each other, and he read to you from your favorite poet.

“How we waste our hours of pain,” he read, his voice rumbling comfortingly in his chest. “How we gaze beyond them into the bitter duration to see if they have an end. Though they are really our winter-enduring foliage, our dark evergreen, one season in our inner year — not only a season in time, but a place and settlement, foundation and soil and home.”

You touched his cheek, feeling the words of the poem ring true for the two of you — in the safety of the love you shared, your hours of pain were something more, something evergreen, a foundation on which you built a stronger love to make a home in together. 

“I love you, Jake,” you said, very softly.

He kissed you and held you close. “My sweet sparrow. I love you too.”

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[illegiblewords]

Almost current in Dawntrail, I make some references to plot stuff under the cut but this post isn't mainly about Dawntrail. This is an analytical rant. There are people who disagree with me that I adore/respect to bits who have done brilliant stuff from angles I wouldn't take. People shouldn’t stop doing what they’re inspired to do according to whether I like or dislike something. This post qualifies less with 'I think' and 'I believe' statements/is a little harsher because I'm venting though. Proceed at your discretion.

Features critical/darker discussions of Venat and Hermes with brief mentions of Zenos.

I really, genuinely think a lot of people are only getting pieces of what's going on in FFXIV.

The story still isn't black and white. Characters very, very often are not what they advertise themselves to be. Neither the cast nor fans are immune to misjudging.

Hermes is not as compassionate as he presents himself. There is an enormous discrepancy between what he professes and the choices he consistently makes, both with regard to other ancients and creations. I do believe he was genuinely miserable but he is basically Satan from Paradise Lost, who wonders why he alone was made unsatisfied with obedience and perfection. Who recognizes there is difference in himself compared to others but is conflicted about whether this is a defect or higher calling. Satan sees himself as inherently 'other' above all else and Hermes is just the same. The shared snake imagery isn't a coincidence either.

Everything I've seen points to Hermes being a narcissist who does not have instinctive empathy in a society where empathy is the most valuable quality a person can have. He strives to have more empathy than all other people without truly understanding what that means. It's why he projects his anger and hatred onto the wolf creation as it dies instead of offering it any kind of comfort. It's why he sends Meteion into space to suffer pain, death, and despair as a high empathy being who challenges all concepts of what it means to be alive… instead of presenting her to the Bureau of the Architect, where her very existence might instigate star-wide reform for how all other creations are handled. For his ego, he needed to be the only one with extensive knowledge of dynamis. He needed to be the only one with answers from on high regarding the nature of life. That was far more important than Meteion's wishes or well-being, and the creations he claims to love are expendable for this purpose. He frequently oscillates between seeing himself as beneath all other ancients and the sole, divinely powerful judge/jury/executioner of all living things. Like Satan from Paradise Lost he can't be grouped with those around him. He can't be just one of many ancients dealing with fears, doubts, despairs. He MUST be exceptional above all else. I'd argue the main reason he accepts the Warrior of Light at all is because we do not appear as a fellow ancient to him--he sees us as a familiar, and therefore inherently without equal authority and agency compared to him. When we are useful to his worldview he uses us and when we aren't we're disposable.

I've seen people claim that Hermes is just anxious and that's why he didn't submit Meteion. You don't opt for genocide and decree all of humanity as immoral and unworthy of mercy without even allowing your targets a voice to answer out of anxiety. You certainly don't do that while having specifically gone out of your way to avoid any steps that might have given room for more charitable judgments. Hermes opted to destroy everyone because it was what he wanted to do, but it didn't fit his self-image as a benevolent and empathetic person to do so. That's why he made a loophole via memory erasure.

Venat, further, is not a hero. She's gray at best and in all likelihood a pretty dark shade of it. Light motifs and crystal mommy themes do not change this. She not only decided, independently, that Hermes' genocide was an appropriate course without allowing anyone else room to discuss or address the issue--she actively denied everyone else knowledge of what happened or even basic information about dynamis (LET ALONE METEION'S LOCATION) so they could deal with the issue effectively. She passed judgment on the entire Convocation because of Hermes' appointment without once judging herself for withholding information on his true character. There is a reason Emet-Selch called her out for being immediately ready to see herself as a morally correct messiah of the star. He wasn't wrong to do so. And especially after Endwalker I think Venat grossly misunderstood not only what led to worlds self-destructing on a philosophical level (never mind Meteion's emotion amplification powers), I think she misread her own star and its people. Pursuit of purity and certainty was what led to the destruction of worlds. The total absence of pain is just one form that can take, but it isn't necessary for a world to be in perpetual agony to avoid that. Venat dismissed the despairs and struggles of her own fellow ancients because there was no room for them in the view she had of herself and her world. If she didn't see them they didn't exist, but even when she did see them they didn't count enough to sway her judgment. Venat had to be the most correct person and she didn't allow even as Hydaelyn the possibility of making mistakes or unwarranted cruelty to others. She is 1000% guilty of 'ancient hubris'.

Venat might be a more middling gray, in my view, depending on whether she'd been trying to shield as many people as possible from tempering with the traveler's ward only for most of the star to become tempered by Zodiark post-summoning. There are a lot of repeating phrases between Elidibus, post-Final Days ancients, and the lunar shades that I think point to mass tempering. Venat would have grounds for assuming people had homogenized views, prayers, and voices if the star was largely tempered. If they weren't, I think she becomes pretty sinister for how she deals with people's post-Final Days trauma. Her injustice toward the ancients in that case would just happen to be in a way that benefits the shards.

The Zodiark plan prevented life from going extinct. It was necessary. Zodiark's tempering and the subsequent sacrifice spiral were not deliberate I suspect, seeing as Zodirk was the first primal EVER. People have been consistently misreading the loporrit quote on this to try and argue that Zodiark didn't temper the Unsundered.

The line states that Venat used a different summoning technique to the one utilized by Ascians. Venat's technique specifically does not temper people. The Ascian method does. If Venat's technique was used to summon an entity of Zodiark's magnitude (whose power could not be resisted according to Emet-Selch) there might be a slight tug toward tempering despite the technique being much safer.

This is not saying Zodiark didn't temper anyone. It's specifically saying that despite Venat having a safe technique, Zodiark's summoning was on such a monumental scale that even Venat's technique would carry some risk.

Meanwhile, Lahabrea has been getting set up for years as someone who has been dehumanized, judged, isolated, and misunderstood. This has continued to increasing degrees through Dawntrail. It has been going on since A Realm Reborn. The sheer consistency of it is insane at this point. There is a HUGE gap between how Lahabrea emotes and what he's actually feeling. His choices reflect this and it is demonstrated firsthand in Pandaemonium.

No one seemed to think it was weird that Lahabrea was ready to commit a pseudo-suicide by killing Hephaistos. No one seemed to catch that the 'pseudo-suicide' in the lyrics to Scream referenced Lahabrea, as did the 'shadow left far behind' line. People contorted themselves into pretzels trying to say that Scream was not about him. Nevermind that Pandaemonium is the Lahabrea raid, in which all other characters were supporting cast to flesh out Lahabrea. It must be mainly about Hegemone and Agdistis! If not them, it must be mainly about Erichthonios!

The man's entire story is about being dehumanized, dismissed, invalidated, and excluded while suffering severe mental illness. It's kind of horrendous that fans are continuing to do this to him on a meta level.

Lahabrea has a long history of Abrahamic imagery. If the Warring Triad mirror the Unsundered, Sephirot as the Tree of Life maps to the Kabbalistic process of creation. The game explicitly and correctly references this in the attacks used. The lyrics to Fiend track for Lahabrea as does the association with Id issues, and there's symbolically significant overlap between muscular/multi-armed Sephirot (where multiple arms reference the boddisatva Guanyin, who uses those many arms to help those in need) to muscular/multi-armed Zodiark as Lahabrea's creation. And Zodiark being Lahabrea's creation is indicated in Akademia Anyder. People have been trying to attribute Zodiark to Hermes because Hermes hijacked him in EW and it drives me nuts.

Meanhwile, what did Pandaemonium do?

Paired the Tree of Life to The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. There's a ton of snake, fruit, and mouth imagery in Pandaemonium. Athena is Eve offering Lahabrea as Adam knowledge of good and evil via the soul bonding. Lahabrea has been afraid of himself as an extremely powerful ancient (which I've analyzed before, tying to Emet-Selch too), particularly given he's in a position of power. He reflects the societal idea that someone with his aetherial strength and authority cannot afford to be selfish or he risks causing immeasurable harm to others. Result is that Lahabrea is absolutely terrified of being selfish in any capacity, even on a basic healthy level. Athena meanwhile is a purely selfish being. Like I believe is the case with Hermes (and am positive is the case with Zenos)--she does not have instinctive empathy. Athena deliberately psychologically violated her husband by forcing him to acknowledge understanding selfish desire through her perspective, then compounded it by exploiting his lack of self-confidence to say he was bound to be just like her for understanding such selfishness. She's not an authority on that, but Lahabrea sees himself as personally less than Athena and is not at that point equipped to argue on his own behalf.

Anyway. Abrahamic connections, Hegemone has the snake imagery. Agdistis has the tree and the fruit. Athena is Eve. The soul bonding is the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. Hephaistos uses a ton of snake imagery too. Lahabrea is covered in symbolism both on a personal psychological level and tied to traditional symbolism via the hand of god acting upon the world, the eye of god watching the world. For savage, one arm is covered in eyes. This is his role as Lahabrea employing power for his people. The other arm, his personal desires/needs, is long and thin and malformed/not really functional. He covers his heart with a pair of wings for protection and reduces himself, weeping, to DNA because that's the only value he sees in himself. He'd rather be that than himself as a person because at least as DNA he's wanted for something. Lahabrea doesn't think anyone would ever give a shit about him on a personal level.

When Hephaistos is defeated, there's a reason Lahabrea is shaken when he states that Hephaistos' goal was never to raise himself high. That was what Athena wanted and what she told him he'd want. All Hephaistos wanted was his family back and to be loved. That was the moment Lahabrea had to introspect and realized Athena wasn't correct about his motives. Her declaring something about him didn't make it true.

Erichthonios is convinced he has a cruel and indifferent father for much of the raid. We see him twist neutral-to-kind gestures as malicious in front of us, as with Lahabrea allowing him to go to Pandaemonium as a child but insisting he know spells to protect himself. Erichthonios takes Lahabrea's insistence as believing he's not good enough instead of wanting him to be safe. We also see Erichthonios construe something that actually points to Lahabrea being depressed (giving himself no credit for completing the phoenix and advertising nothing only to be surprised by coworkers throwing him a celebration anyway) as him scorning Pandaemonium for not sharing the achievement with them. Erichthonios was taught to do this by Athena, and Athena likewise twists Lahabrea's self-image as a form of psychological abuse from the moment he approaches her in the soul bonding scene. She cites his status and accuses Lahabrea of thinking himself morally above others for descending to Pandaemonium and judging her. It never occurs to Athena that Lahabrea would try to stop her because he loves and wants to protect his son.

People are projecting their own personal beef with parents behaving poorly to assume Lahabrea is an uncaring father. He's not. He's extremely mentally ill and Erichthonios was groomed by an abusive mother while having no concept of what Lahabrea's mental illness would even look like... let alone how to deal with it.

Lahabrea explicitly thinks Erichthonios is better off with the false memory of a mother who abused him than having him present as a father because he considers himself so personally worthless. He can only see his presence as a detriment in his son's life. He is a short step from the kind of suicide people commit when they think other people would be happier and less burdened if they were dead. 'They might be sad for a while, but ultimately they'll be better off.'

I'm not even bringing out my citations right now. This isn't an Archon Thesis because I want my evidence properly assembled for that. But I recently saw someone try to frame the Convocation and Zodiark plan as uniformly awful, when the reality is doing nothing would have resulted in life going extinct. And if we're talking about zodiac signs mapping to Convocation members, there are more layers to it than 'Ascians = bad versions of the zodiac'.

Ex. The duality (two fish) and creativity associated with Pisces both apply to Lahabrea, but the emotionality does too. It isn't obvious at first but when you look it's there. Lahabrea has hidden strong emotions consistently through a variety of methods across the game. Sometimes it's reserve, sometimes it's aggression, sometimes it's hysteria. But when you look at the surrounding circumstances from his perspective, it makes perfect sense how and why he'd emote that way. It has never been safe for him to be emotionally vulnerable.

One of the earliest moments of 'villain laughter' from him we see is at Carteneau. His assistant waits quietly for him to finish. At that point Bahamut had been unleashed in yet another action that goes directly against Lahabrea's own morals, but is necessary to the Ardor. The sundered respond by invoking Lahabrea's phoenix as protection for humanity against a primal Lahabrea helped orchestrate. On some level people instinctively believe Lahabrea can and will protect them despite his failures, their own reincarnations, and thousands of years passing. It's ironic and horrible but this kind of irony has been happening to Lahabrea over and over again. If he doesn't laugh the dude's going to cry and (again) it isn't safe for him to do that.

(Also as the only Ascian to ever refer to Zodiark as 'master', Lahabrea is A) very tempered B) continuing a pattern of thought/behavior/worldbuilding where he puts his people first and himself dead last C) not talking about Athena. Lahabrea says in-game he had no earthly idea Athena was in the Heart of Sabik. I do think Heart of Sabik effected him by magnifying his desire to save his people and redeem himself in the face of survivor's guilt. It might have influenced his phrasing too. I have theories about what Lahabrea did at Praetorium but blowing it up was not 'the ultimate magic' by any means. I'm pretty sure he used it as a Themis and/or Zodiark backup drive, which Athena's presence at Anabaseios proves is possible anyway. He doesn't need to know about her to figure it out.

People have tried to say Athena is Lahabrea's god instead of Zodiark. Especially given the history of abuse and Lahabrea's own repeatedly shown priorities/actions, that take is pretty appalling imo. Completely dismisses how devoted he has always been to his people to destroy his will and identity altogether on a meta level.)

Even if we strip shit down to the most bare bones narrative form and ignore evidence--where motives and arcs are concerned 'oh Lahabrea has always been evil/uncaring/sociopathic/self-absorbed and stayed that way forever after' is bad storytelling. That would require a 'failure to change' arc as literal or spiritual death. That arc form ties to death because life requires accounting for/adapting to new experiences. If a character fails to do that (for better or worse) that character is stagnant and effectively not living. Such arcs require meticulously showing the process of rejecting experiences though. Zoraal Ja actually approaches the form a bit when we see him repeatedly taking nothing from the trials he undergoes, but his trajectory becomes 'change for the worse' after losing to his father's shade. None of the Unsundered are set up with that arc form, Lahabrea included. It wouldn't offer any insight, fit with what we know of the ancients and their values/society, or carry any emotional impact. Trying to go that route without setup is just bad storytelling and makes characters less believable. But yeah. Tl;dr I really, really wish people paid more attention and examined words vs actions vs surrounding circumstances vs motives.

[waterdeep-weavemoss]

Holy

So this... wasn't what I planned... anyway...

One sided Halsin x Tav, one sided Gale x Tav, Astarion x Tav. Jealous gods, oblivious bears, and a certain someone barging in to make it all about him. Of course. 18+ spicy spice

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'Let all time slow, let all light go, I don't need to know where we begin and end, I'd still know you not bein' shown you, I only need the workin' of my hands. Do you understand?' - De Selby part II, Hozier

‘Tav,’ Halsin’s warm, deep voice floated through the crowd of her friends, gathered in the balmy evening. Woodsmoke and flowers were heavy in her nose, the sweet headiness of red wine on her tongue curling inside her head to a pleasant cloudiness. She turned, a little unsteady, to find the druid gazing at her with soft, adoring eyes. She could fall into their honey gold depths if she wished, getting him drunk on wine and fucking languidly in the open air. Tonight held that kind of magic. She held the last memory in her mind, verdant green and hazy.

*

Six months ago, stood in the ruins of the High Hall, her friends gathered. Despite assurances to the contrary, Tav knew none of them expected to survive what was coming. Each of them prepared in their own way. Karlach was all relentless energy, itching for one last fight. Wyll spoke quietly with his father, their hands clasped as they stared down the battlements at their city on fire. Minsc, Boo and Jaheira were sprawled against a wall, sharing a bottle of wine. Shadowheart and Lae’zel were stood side by side, sullen.

Astarion paced like a caged cat, hands behind his back, eyes on his feet. When she reached for him, his eyes rose to meet hers. They were unguarded for once, deepest red, and scared. He was the one to pull her in. ‘You survive this,’ he murmured into her hair. ‘You hear me?’ ‘You’ve got it,’ she said, breathing deep. She’d remember the scent of his clothes for as long as she lived, be it hours or years. Citrus and herbs and brandy depth and death. ‘We’ll get out of this. We have to.’

‘Don’t worry, darling,’ he said, sounding for all the realms like he meant it, ‘if you die, we’ll just have to march into the fugue plane and get you back.’

She felt tears come. ‘Yeah, well. You stay on your feet too. You’re so whiny when you’re bleeding out.’ He smiled at her, gentle and almost wistful. ‘See you.’

‘See you,’ he echoed, watching her leave.

‘Hey,’ she said, approaching Halsin. ‘I just wanted to say that I-’

‘I’m sorry my heart,’ he said, looking anxiously down at her. ‘There’s no time. We have to go.’

‘…Oh. I just. I thought that maybe we should say goodbye, just in case-’ She wanted him to take her into the shelter of his arms and kiss her. One last kiss, if it would be so, or one of many more, but he would not hear it.

‘There will be no goodbyes today,’ he said gently. ‘Go. I will see you on the other side, sweet one.’

‘Right,’ she said, feeling her heart splinter in her chest. ‘Yeah.’ She turned toward the exit, to face the horrors head on as she’d always done. Deep breath.

‘Wait.’

Not that voice. Anyone else and she might’ve been okay, but not him. He reached for her hand, turned her to face him.

‘Gale…’

‘Now, I know,’ he said, lifting his hands in that endearingly disarming way of his. ‘We’re not together anymore, and that’s fine, but…’ He smiled. ‘I’d be a pretty awful friend if I just let you go off to this fight without saying something, wouldn’t I?’

‘Gale, it’s fine honestly. We’re going to be fine. I’ll see you on the other side, yeah?’

‘It’s an honour to fight alongside you. You believed in me in a way nobody else did. Nobody but Tara I mean, er… well. You showed me what I had to live for. And for what it’s worth, Tav, I…’ Swallowing hard, his voice cracked. ‘I miss you. A lot. And I love you. Of course I do. How could I not?’

‘You’ll be thrilled to hear my boyfriend just brushed me off, then.’

‘Not remotely.’

‘Are you with me, Gale? Are you going to be able to focus and fight this battle alongside me?’

‘Of course.’

‘And will you give up the crown?’ Her words hung between them. ‘I adored you. So much. But your ambition, it… it poisons everything you touch. Leave it, Gale. Please. If you love me, truly, do this for me. This one thing.’

The light in his eyes went out. ‘You know I can’t lie to you, Tav. Not to you.’

‘I see,’ she said. She suddenly felt unreal, like her knees would give beneath her or her soul would fly away. ‘Well. I suppose the only thing left to say is good luck.’

*

‘Hi, Halsin,’ said Tav coolly. ‘I hope the last six months have been treating you well.’

‘They have,’ he said, seemingly oblivious. ‘There are many orphans in the surrounding environs who need homes. I’ve set up a shelter, of sorts. I never got to be a father as you know, but… I think I’ve found my purpose, finally.’

‘I���m happy for you,’ she said in a sweet voice that wasn’t quite sincere.

‘How about you, my heart? How have the last six months been for you? I must say, I missed you terribly.’

‘They been fine,’ she said. ‘You should have a drink, hmm? I’ll find you later.’ How can I really tell you what it’s been like? There’s no way you would understand. She decided to tell him nothing, retreating to the far side of their old camp, down by the lake and out of sight.

*

She’d searched for him, in the aftermath. Under the rubble and the blood, the cooling bodies and faces strange and familiar, she’d been frantic, scanning everywhere she could for a scrap of fine purple fabric. Finding nothing, she retreated from the city, finding solace in an isolated cottage in the Cloakwood. With Karlach and Wyll in Avernus, Shadowheart living with her parents, and Lae’zel on a crusade against the lich queen, Tav had nobody left. Even Astarion had had to retreat into the dark.

She settled into life there just fine. Slowly she created a small herb garden, her kitchen smelled sweet and fragrant, and she adjusted to sleeping alone. Couriers brought letters from Jaheira with the city’s progress, Shadowheart checked in occasionally and on those days, she brought Scratch and they’d reminisce, bittersweet.

And then the dreams started. Looming into her consciousness she heard Gale’s voice again. It had lost the warmth it once had, instead turning strangely metallic and cold in quality. ‘Tav,’ he said, appearing in utter splendour. He was all rich robes, bright, terrifyingly blank eyes, and skin that had gone silver. ‘I miss you.’ There was no feeling in it. She had the memory of it tucked in the back of her mind. The way his voice would morph from cheery and silly to meltingly seductive, it was all gone.

‘I looked for you,’ she said. ‘After. I thought you were dead.’

‘No.’ His voice echoed in her head. ‘I became something better.’

‘I loved you, Gale. The man you were. Not this.’

‘You left me,’ he said. Even his anger was flat. ‘You could’ve ascended, Tav. I wanted to bring you with me.’

‘I can think of nothing worse.’

‘You’ll understand in time, perhaps. You won’t ever be far from my sights, not with your ambition.’

‘Let me go,’ she begged. ‘Please.’

‘Strange as prayers go.’ He almost smiled. ‘I cannot grant it. I’m sorry.’ His words were hollow, ringing false with every godly breath.

He visited nightly from then on. He would simply be on the periphery of her consciousness, a ghost of a memory.

Every night except one.

Months into the ordeal, she lie wide awake in the dark. He would not come if she was awake, because he was a coward. His human courage had fled him, filling the void of him to the brim with arrogance and apathy instead. So dark became her day, and the last joys she had felt leached away. Leave me, she would pray upon waking. Torment me no longer. Haunt me no more. He never listened, only shored up his domain with her desperation.

A stirring outside perked up her ears. Rising cautiously, she padded to the window, tried to peer into the dark. She percieved an eerie silence; the night was usually so full of life, birds and the chittering of small rodents and the rustle of leaves… it had all fallen away.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

‘What in the nine hells?’ she asked aloud. Nobody had knocked on her door for months. She crept to the door, slowly reached out, and turned the handle, revealing the last person she’d expected to be at her door. ‘Astarion?’

He stood before her, looking furious. ‘Darling, do you know how long it took me to find you? Do you?’

‘I-’

‘I looked for you. After. I thought you were dead.’

Tav stood, jaw slack, staring. Hearing her own words echoed back at her- the words she’d spoken to her new god, because he was, however reluctant she was about it, he had claimed her- sent her reeling. ‘Fucking hells.’

‘You have to invite me in,’ he said dryly. ‘I’ll warn you though. If you do you are in for it.’

She held his gaze. It was almost a challenge, his feline eyes narrowed. ‘Come in.’ She took a step back, he a step forward, over the threshold. He reached out a pale hand to close the door. She held her breath. ‘Of all the people to knock on my door I wasn’t-’

‘Quiet,’ he breathed. She bit her tongue and waited. ‘I told you. You had to survive this. I was going to find you after. I’m sorry I didn’t get to.’ His eyes flashed. ‘I thought you’d be with Halsin.’

‘Oh you know,’ she said, trying to keep things light. ‘He found his calling helping orphans. I’ve always been a bit too much of a bastard for that kind of thing.’

‘He broke your heart,’ he said pointedly. ‘I heard him, you know. He just brushed you off.’

‘It’s fine, really. He’s happy, so-’

‘But you’re not,’ he said, taking a step closer. ‘Come here.’ He reached out to take her jaw in his hand, appraising her appearance. ‘You’re not sleeping.’

‘No,’ she admitted.

‘The least you could do is tell me why.’

‘Gale.’

‘Gale?’ His nose wrinkled in distaste. ‘I thought you broke up with him.’

‘I did. I’m not talking about the Gale we knew, Astarion. I’m talking about a god.’ Hot tears welled in her eyes. ‘He won’t leave me alone.’

‘Tell me.’

‘I’m his chosen, Astarion. There’s nothing I can do about it. It’s not like I have anyone who would-’

‘You have me.’

‘I didn’t finish my sentence.’

‘You don’t need to. You have me. I didn’t come and find you out of the goodness of my heart, you know.’

‘Well then why-’ He didn’t let her finish her sentence. He kissed her so violently her back hit the wall, her little ‘ooph!’ of surprise swallowed up by his tongue cool in her mouth. She pulled back in shock, though they were still nose to nose, sharing breath. ‘What the fuck?’

‘Oh darling, keep up. I’m in love with you, isn’t it obvious?’

Her mind was reeling. There was Halsin, who seemed to have forgotten she existed, Gale, who haunted her every dream and whispered promises of power if only she would just surrender, and then…

‘Tav.’ He took a shaky breath. ‘Say something.’

‘I’m… surprised, that’s all,’ she said faintly. ‘Not that I don’t want-’

‘Yes?’ He was losing patience.

‘Would it be wrong?’ she asked. I honestly don’t know.

‘Oh, almost certainly,’ he said. His voice was cheery, but his eyes were boring into hers. He was serious. ‘I mean, if you want to go back to Halsin, feel free. I’m sure he appreciates you the way you deserve.’

Anger reared in her chest. ‘Don’t be a bastard, Astarion.’

‘If that hit a nerve, ask yourself why.’

He was so close. It was muddling her thoughts, the smell of him. ‘Gods preserve me,’ she said, leaning up to close the meagre distance between them. She could feel him smiling into the kiss this time, his hands moving to gently cup her face.

‘Gods have nothing to do with it,’ he whispered when they broke apart. ‘Fuck the gods. I just want you.’

‘Then have me,’ she said. ‘On every surface in this house.’

‘You little freak,’ he said, deft fingers divesting her of her sleep clothes.

‘Cheat. That’s not fair.’ She pouted. He grinned wolfishly and threw his own clothes on the pile, his pale skin gleaming in Selune’s light.

‘Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for this?’ he asked.

‘Absolutely none. I’m sure you’ll make up for it.’

‘Damn fucking right, I will.’ He put his expertise to work, nimble hands and soft mouth and sharp teeth. He knew just where to touch to make her feel lightheaded with pleasure, just how to play her body to make her beg, what to whisper to make molten heat crash through her. Not a word of it was false. He pressed delicate kisses to her nose, her cheeks, even her ears, making her giggle. He made her scream his name into the silence, and she felt the god of ambition bristle with every stuttering breath and sigh muffled in the vampire’s flesh. They fucked and rested and fucked again.

And then the light began to change.

‘I have to go,’ he said between kisses. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll come back.’

And then Astarion was gone, and Tav was alone with his scent on her skin and Gale’s rage inside her head.

To be continued…

[k-s-morgan]

Recently checked back up on ATLWETD to see if it had updated and followed the tumblr thread here. Imagine my surprise seeing all of the wonderful snippets and asks you answered. Tom using the mood stone? I almost forgot that was a thing. And finding out that Tom was just being a possesive/calculating bastard when he took Harrys food is embarassing to me since my guess was so far off. I thought that Tom inferred that Harry suspected him of poisoning/ truth seruming his food when he told Tom "Happy Poisoning".

Anyways, I decided it was finally my time to step up and praise you like the glorious writer you are. How on earth you could ever believe that your works arent as creative or as plot heavy as other tomarry works is beyond me. To me, your fics have lovely foreshadowing that makes me pay very close attention to anything that is mentioned offhandedly by a character because in your works everything means something. (Like seriously, one detail I missed in WHGTB on the first read was Harry reading the description of the book Tom was going to use to bond him and you stuffing permanent bonding inbetween fertility and necromancy. You had Harry misdirect us by having him muse about necromancy so we wouldn't notice. And you're right, I didn't)

And the humanity and characterization that you give to any character you write? Hell, i'd say you give them more layers than the origional authors. I always know that you won't make the characters make stupid and out of character actions just to advance the plot.

My experience with your writing started with WHGTB (my first convincing tomarry fic btw, you were the one who snagged me). After that, I trailed after your content like a lost puppy. I consumed your hannigram fics without having a spec of knowledge other than "haha cannibal eats the rude". I have now watched the telltale John Doe/Bruce Wayne playthroughs on youtube and rewatched the lego batman movie for the first time since i saw it in theaters when it came out. A Rule for a Rule is shaping up to be the best thing that happened to batjokes (outside of Half Way Across). I've even tenatively read through your Black Butler work, which I was hesitant to look at given the age gap and having never watched the anime. Should have never doubted that your approach to their relationship would make sense. You make an anime which could be categorized as ridiculous (I apologize, I have no nostalgic memories of this anime holding me back. I read your fic first, the anime can't compare) into something psychological and beautiful. Just so so real.

Anywho, there's my small (because I could genuinely write an analytical essay on your works and enjoy it) love letter to your writing.

Stay safe angel, it's unfortunate that I can't do anything to help you or your country. Even more disgusting that my country could help if they gave half a shit but won't. I would say I'm praying for you, but given that I'm not religious that goes nowhere. So, pathetically, my 11:11 wishes will be used for your continuted health.

Hope your writing continues to bring you joy <3

Hi! Thank you so much for such a lengthy, wonderful ask - I have a few more unanswered ones in my ask box, and I'm so delighted that my stories evoke so many thoughts and feelings in my readers!

Funnily, quite a few people thought that Tom sharing Harry's food and drinking from his cup is related to Harry's 'happy poisoning'! This never occured to me. I admit I love when such stuff happens because it proves how a text is its own thing, a living organism, something that the author and every reader can have vastly different interpretations of. In this case, yes, I intended for Tom to keep testing the intimate boundaries and to see how much Harry would allow, to gauge what exact type of relationship they used to share. Slowly turning him into a possessive, obsessed monster in love is such a delight.

I'm so gratified that you enjoy the foreshadowing I'm trying to build! I do love it, and I can tell that in ATLWETD, the seeds of the largest plot twists and the ending have already been planted. It's difficult to recognize them without knowing the rest, but if someone re-reads the whole story after it's done, these little hints should become obvious.

Also, it's so flattering that WHGTB became the first Tomarry story you really liked! Really, it's an honor, considering how big this part of fandom is and how many brilliant stories fill it. And knowing that you followed my fics across the fandoms despite not being a part of them - wow! I'm speechless! You honestly made me blush, I'm so happy to hear all this.

I appreciate every word you wrote - this means so much to me, I re-read your ask a couple of times because of how happy it made me. I hope you continue to enjoy my stories and discovering new great fandoms :D Thank you!