#caboose as an alien

[smilysstuff]

Lavernius Tucker your my everything

[glitterdragonthegreatprotector]

On the first day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread, the disciples came to Junior and asked, “Where do you want us to make preparations for you to eat the Passover?”

He replied, “Go into the city to a certain man and tell him, ‘The Teacher says: My appointed time is near. I am going to celebrate the Passover with my disciples at your house.’” So the disciples did as Junior had directed them and prepared the Passover.

When evening came, Junor was reclining at the table with the Twelve. 21 And while they were eating, he said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me.”

They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “Surely you don’t mean me, Lord?”

Junior replied, “The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. The Son of The Swordsman will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of The Swordsman! It would be better for him if he had not been born.”

Then Church, the one who would betray him, said, “Surely you don’t mean me, Rabbi?”

Juno answered, “You have said so.”

While they were eating, Junior took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, “Take and eat; this is my body.”

Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom.”

When they had sung a hymn, they went out to the desert.

Then Junior told them, “This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written:

“‘I will strike the shepherd,

and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.’

But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into the State of Vadam.”

Caboose replied, “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will.”

“Truly I tell you,” Junior answered, “this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.”

But Caboose declared, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” And all the other disciples said the same.

(Did I copy and paste Mathew 26 17-35, then replace some names with stuff from rvb and halo? Yes. Have I seen any episodes of rvb? No. Will I watch? Eventually.)

[eyeaart]

Plot twist: Church gets Tucker pregnant instead of the ailen

This answer came to in my dream

[theosphobia]

cannot stop myself from associating rvb characters to trocadero songs its like a disease

[taxi-davis]

The Grey Train Robbery by Jeffrey Bess

[mattastr0phic]

Red Vs. Blue face headcanons! Since y'all wanted em out before Season 19 dropped!

In defense of Simmons not being a red haired twink: big buff DnD and science nerd.

And some extra notes under the cut:

You can take all these with a silly grain of salt, I'm not a long-time RvB fandom frequenter but did like some bits.

Simmons: Dutch-Irish but keeps getting called 'of a Latino persuasion' by Grif. Also funnily uses 'cracker'. (so mixed.) Cybernetics built from the same sort of stuff Lopez is made out of, visibly running down the left of his face, neck, ribcage, and arm. His arm worked the best for Grif because they're around the same height.

Grif: Too lazy to cut much of his hair, but it's necessary when his helmet doesn't properly secure. Also, a beard is beneficial for catching some little save-for-later snacks. Carving started out as a fidgeting task if he somehow couldn't sleep.

Donut: Just barely hits the twunk allegations in comparison as the lankiest out of a group of fat and buff guys, somehow more durable than all of them despite it and is still above average in build. Started really trying to compensate for his image because of his scar, which developed into really being able to love himself.

Sarge: LOVES his sergeant stripes. Don't tell him but his eyes might be blue. He will say they're grey, though. Don't ask about the bullet hole in his head, either. It's not that he doesn't want to talk about it, just that he'll probably go on a rant about Grif.

Church: Rest in piss Jimmy. Church doesn't naturally feel sleepy though, not like he has this body for long. The scar on his neck was smooth enough to not raise any alarm, and a lack of sleep may have hindered his fight-or-flight reflexes while he still lived...

Tucker: A few scars from his alien encounter, a glimmer in his eyes a slight indication of his connection with the blade-key along with the visor changes. Poor guy couldn't grow his hair long because of the helmet.

Caboose: Most head trauma of anyone ever, injuries hidden by his thick curly hair. Sure doesn't keep him down! It may contribute to a loop of him losing teeth and continuing to worry about the tooth fairy being mad at him, though.

[banamine-bananime]

It’s Just Simmons on the rt shutdown page because in post-restoration continuity caboose takes tucker for a “sorry you got mindjacked and tortured buddy let’s touch fluffy things in alien petting zoos and try candy from every world and go for alien pony rides yes this is mandatory no this is definitely not attempted therapy no i’m not doing it to patronize you it’s because I want to and so you have to come. what your son? okay i guess junior can be there too. since he’s not a baby anymore. that’s fine.” year-long trip and in blood gulch it’s just simmons roleplaying blue team versus himself the glorious red team leader. don’t worry grif’s skyping him and can attest he’s only lost it approximately the normal amount for simmons to lose it.

[slyvester101]

ur tuckington posts are so cute, how do u think wash would be with junior? i think he'd be so stressed over trying to get junior to like him

Ooh, yes. I love thinking about how Junior comes into play in Tuckington.

Tucker has definitely bragged about Junior to Wash before, talking about how smart and awesome his kid is so Wash knows about him and knows how important he is to Tucker so once they start dating, he definitely stresses over whether or not Junior will like him. 

I also think it’d be funny if Wash didn’t know Junior was an alien until like, right before they met because Tucker is one hundred percent an unreliable narrator and forgot to tell Wash about how he gave birth to the now seven foot ten-year-old half Sangeheili after being selected to fulfill some aliens’ prophecy. 

Wash had many questions. 

Other than that, I think Wash is pretty good with Junior. I like the headcanon that Wash has sisters (he is definitely a middle child and you can fight me on that) so he knows how to work with kids and while he’s unpracticed and a little clumsy and maybe a bit confused (“how does human child rearing translate into alien child rearing?”), he’s got spirit and he gets attached to this kid very quickly.

Junior also likes Wash, mainly because he’s one of the few people he can actually play-wrestle with, aside from Caboose of course, but also because he’s nice and didn’t try to shoot or kill Junior when they first met and he’s good to his dad and he gets Junior some of the best snacks ever— (The list goes on for a while).

Tucker damn near proposed when he saw how soft Wash got with his kid. It doesn’t help that Junior will call Wash a secondary parental term in Sangheili that only Tucker understands. Wash is very touched when he finds out, the sap.

But yeah, they’re a happy family and this is totally canon and not just my wishful thinking. Thanks for asking

[jade-kyo]

Non-Red vs Blue fans guess the fake fact: results!

Find the og post here

Alright time to finally review the results! Correct answer is at the bottom of this post for those not interested in all of the results and explanations!

So the most highly voted option at 23% was Elijah Wood which I’m sorry to say is incorrect! Elijah Wood was a voice actor in the series. He played the role of Sigma! What this big name actor is doing in a random web series I have no idea but it’s still one of the wildest things to me.

Now the aspirin overdose comes in with 17.3% and got mentioned a lot in the notes and it is also incorrect. However I will admit to some poor wording on my part because it was actually an allergic reaction not an overdose. That’s a genuine oopsies on my part 😅

Florida sinking into the ocean gets a 10.1% and is also incorrect! The state of Florida does in fact sink into the ocean and it’s implied this was to cover up the disappearance of Agent Florida (who is also the guy who dies from the aspirin)

The gay guy, who’s name is Donut btw, becoming Jesus comes in with 8.3% and is in fact very real. He even walks on water. It was wild and tbh I barely remember it cause it’s from a season I dislike but it was too wild not to include.

With 7.2% I can say for sure that the giant killer robot is indeed dressed up in cute hats! Specifically a sombrero! Also the robots name is Freckles.

CPR for a bullet wound in the head gets 6.7% and is in fact considered effective medical care. Now I will say this later gets retconned and it turns out the guy didn’t actually get shot in the head the bullet just grazed him and his armor locked up making them all think he was dying- hence the choice of word being considered. The characters fully believe it but the CPR did not actually save him cause he wasn’t even hurt to begin with.

The crazy love triangle comes in with 4.7% and is also very canon and is exactly as it’s said. There’s literally just this insane love triangle for like two seasons- honestly the only love triangle plot I ever enjoyed.

With a solid 4% I can say that there is in fact canon mpreg! Hurray? Idk man this one’s exactly as it sounds. Dude got knocked up by an alien.

In last place with 2.5% of votes is the main character dying repeatedly. This is also incorrect. First off this guy is named Church which very funny on its own. Secondly it’s actually one of the first running jokes in the series how much this dude dies. Until it’s not a joke 🫠 also a few people pointed out RvB doesn’t have a main character and while I agree I felt it was simpler just to call Church the main character for this poll since it’s designed for people who haven’t seen RvB and I would argue that the majority of the narrative centers around Church even when he’s not there.

And now for the correct answer, coming in at third place with 16.1% is Caboose is god!

Now I will fully confess to being sneaky with this one. This is actually a joke made within the series but it is not true at all. Caboose is not actually god and the platypus is just that fucked up. I knew nothing I could come up with would be able to match the absurdity of this series so I decided to twist a few words so that way everything seemed equally fucked up.

And that concludes the poll! I will now leave you off with a few honorable mentions that did not make the Final Cut:

They have a Spanish speaking robot. None of them speak Spanish.

He’s a ghost but not actually a ghost but actually a highly advanced computer program

Woman has mega beef with an AI copy of her dead mom

The highly advanced computer program can’t aim for shit

The first 5 seasons were revealed to actually be a prolonged torture session

Dude chases his dead gf through multiple iteration of the same memory

Woman developed a sibling like bond with an AI copy of her extremely neglectful father

[femmepeterparker]

well, since you've been getting shitty anons, here I am asking what your favorite trans!tucker headcanons are :}

aww thank u

buckle up bc i have quite a fewww

-picked a family name. its regal

-no op. idk it just feels right for tucker. i feel like he'd say some shit like "im too well endowed"/"im obviously gods favorite look at my body"

-never wanted kids so junior is a huge bump in the road for him. always saw himself as a bachelor for life and now he has a kid (who he loves, he loves junior) and sometimes he wonders what life would have been like without junior

-unfortunately junior's conception is still. nonconsensual. jokes about tucker fucking aliens are funny but he seems so genuinely confused and upset in canon upon learning of his pregnancy so i dont really think that changes

-sanghelli pregnancies are shorter than humans but not that much shorter. he's pregnant for a good couple months before having junior.

-doc performs the c section. it is a goddamn miracle that both junior and tucker survive

-post pregnancy tucker develops glowing symbols and markings along his skin. the c section scar and his stretch marks glow too

-sometimes when tucker is emotional, his eyes will glow teal. it scares caboose

-junior and the c section absolutely ruined his uterus and tucker is lowkey thrilled about it. he considers it a diy hystorectomy

-everyone knows except wash??? like, they dont clock tucker they just know hes trans mainly bc of junior, but wash... just doesnt put two and two together until tucker tells him

-speaking of wash. he is demisexual and lowkey not very interested in sex but tucker is super into him so hes like. a service top. theyre kinda messy. its okay tho

-tucker learns sanghelli somewhere between seasons 4 and 6

-junior comes with him to iris

-wash isnt the step dad, hes the dad who stepped up

ask me more about him i love him

[illusion-of-sea-axes]

Oops, I made Tucker a Spidersona (and thought way too hard about what his world would be like and what roles the others fit into, like... would Caboose be Ned? Would Church be Harry Osbourn or. would he be MJ.)

He got his spider powers from picking up a weird sword that imbued him with alien powers and also way too much ego.

Bonus Junior (TW for spider-based body horror) below the cut

[smilysstuff]

Swamp AU more like everyone in ghillie suit

[tuckersno1defender]

So in conclusion,

• Tucker got shot by an AI fragment that was possessing the person that was supposed to be their medic

• found out that one of his best friends was also an AI fragment and had to see him die multiple times

• got mpreg with a fucking alien ????😭

• was stuck in the desert for months

• had to bring down a rouge military organization while quite literally fighting for his life in the snow

• got into a space ship crash and then when they thought they were finally getting help got thrown in the middle of a civil war, saw his boyfriend sacrifice himself and spent months thinking him and the rest of his friends were being tortured while simultaneously having to learn how to be a leader for the rest of his friends but struggling because he didn't think he could ever fill Wash's footsteps

• he had to also relive that very moment while being able to do nothing about it, shit man, HE had to be the one that made sure things played out the way it did

• fought mercenaries

• got stabbed in the stomach

• had to lead a battle against ANOTHER rouge and corrupt company that was trying to destroy the planet while unknowingly destroying himself in the process because the suit that he wore would be the same one that would drive him insane months later

• (not really canon anymore but in my eyes it is idgaf) just when he thought things would get better he got tricked by people who were manipulating recordings of church and in turn had to be the one to finally break the news to Caboose that this time Church was never coming back and he was gone for good

• saw his boyfriend get shot in the neck and then went through months of self hatred for it while also having self esteem issues

• oh yeah and got tormented while he was in the meta suit

HE SHOULD'VE BEEN AT THE FUCKING CLUB JESUS CHRIST????

[correctrvbquotes]

In the background, Tucker emerges from inside the base and approaches Church and Caboose.

Tucker: Uh, whudldldluh. Bludludldldlah.

Church: Oh well, look who's awake.

Tucker: What the fuck happened?

Caboose: Oh, well, um, uh as you may remember, uh you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from de-

Tucker: Can I get the short version of this?

Church: Yeah, you got knocked up, you got knocked out.

Tucker: Oh right, I need to start workin' out. Lose this baby weight.

Caboose: Yeah, you know, we, we should all start working out, you know, uh, especially some of us.

Tucker: Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.

Church: Are you guys talkin' about me?

Caboose: We, ah, didn't wanna say anything.

Tucker: Yeah, that's why we said something. Fatty!

Church: Hey back off guys, I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.

Tucker: Where'd you carry us, to the buffet?

Caboose: He said it.

Tucker: What're you guys doing up here anyway? And what's that huge thing?

Caboose: That's Church.

Church: He means the ship, Caboose.

Caboose: He said it.

Church: The Reds called in a ship, and it landed on Donut. Now they've got new hardware, and a new soldier.

Tucker: Who, that girl?

Church: Wha- Girl? That's a girl?

Tucker: Duh. The yellow one, right? The one talking to Simmons?

Caboose: Wow, you have really good eyes!

Tucker: I have to. I never get to use the fucking sniper rifle.

Church: You're positive that's a girl? How can you be sure?

Tucker: Dude, look who you're talking to.

[ashen-sky]

Personal highlights from...

Red vs Blue The Ultimate Fan Guide

In honor of s19 and the continuation of where s13 left off, here are some highlights from the ultimate fan guide published back in 2015. I've been re-watching the show and it made me want to flip back through the guide. (Everything is sort of in the order it appears in the book, with a few exceptions)

Delta appears as a guide of sorts with fun facts

Caboose's position is listed as "Team Rookie/Occasional Captain/ Church's Best Friend" (it is actually struck out in the book)

He is also the only one listed with the title Captain, appearing as "Private/Captain Michael J. Caboose" (due to Wash "promoting" him, in the canyon on chorus)

Tucker is "Private First Class", Church, Donut, and Simmons are "Private"s, Sarge is listed as a "Colonel" under rank (the other Red's and Blue's ranks appears with their name while his is under "position"), and Grif is "Minor Junior Private, Negative First Class"

Wash used to be a chronic bed wetter (thanks D)

There's also a six page transcript of his psych eval prior to PF where we find out he injured a commanding officer because he wanted to "send everyone to their deaths", he also put a former bully through a mirror in fifth-grade

Grif is stated to have been assigned to Blood Gulch because he was the only survivor of an alien attack on a colony during the great war, he fell asleep at his post and everyone assumed he was KIA

Donut's position is listed as "On all fours... cleaning Red bade"

Doc's profile is "Doc/ O'Malley" and the whole thing lists both their interests, i.e "Position: Canyon Medic, Galactic Overlord"

Andy's (the bomb) name is "Andrew D. Kaboom"

Sheila and Filss share a page

Tex's notable attributes are "Kicking ass (and nuts), being a mean lady, and resurrection"

The password to unlock the file on Beta that CT left behind was "Allison" (Thanks again D)

York's page comments "Several reports were filed against Agent York claiming he and Agent Carolina had something of a "personal" relationship [...] Freelancer Command was unable to find any proof to support these accusations."

One of his notable attributes is "watching his right side" and his position is "team scoundrel"

Eta and iota (Carolina's AIs) were "fear and happiness"

According to the official time line, Carolina was around 6 when Allison died (Allison died 23 years before Blood Gulch and Carolina was born 29 years before)

Wyoming's real name is Reginald

South Dakota's Status is listed as "Extra Crispy"

Smith once spent two days contemplating in silence what Caboose meant when he said his favorite color was "Happy"

Dr. Grey's position is "(Mad) Doctor", she was considered a prodigy at age 11 when she diagnosed every patient in House M.D. within five minutes of their introduction, and she thinks Grey's Anatomy is "far too trite"

Felix and Locus' names are listed as Unknown in the book, but I do believe their names were revealed in a s14 episode

The counselor advised the director to tell Tex that Alpha was in Blood Gulch to protect him and stop her from investigating the project

Notable Features of Blood Gulch include "Avoid Tucker's Rock at all costs, as it has not been properly sterilized"

BTS from D: The opening shot of Season 6 was created by shooting players moving in different quadrants and combining the shots"

Important events at High Ground, "Washington killed Agent south in cold blood- with a much less cold flamethrower."

Fact from D: "Once a year, Reds and Blues stationed at Rat's Nest still pay tribute to Agent Alabama by sending a flaming mongoose soaring through the night sky."

Donut likes to spend his leisure time in Federal Army Outpost 37, in the jail cells in handcuffs

The statistics pages, 9 pages of stats from number of robots murdered (112) to Church's sniper rifle accuracy (9.3%)

Bow Chicka Bow Wow was first said in season 4, and Simmons never sucked up in season 12, season one had the most "son of a bitch"s at 14 Donut made 32 accidental innuendos, and the odd number of pedals in vehicles was called out on five occasions Tucker has the highest kill count of all reds and blues (counting wash and Tex), at 24 followed by donut at 22 and Tex at 21, Caboose is the lowest at 2 raised by Lopez and 3 and Church at 8 Sarge has threatened/wished death on Grif 56 times, and Donut has nearly died five times Seasons 2 and 9 had the lowest kill counts Carolina had the highest flash back kills at 68 in season ten, and the twins are tied at 23 kills in season nine

Tex's attack to free Alpha was 2 years before Blood Gulch, the great war ended 1 year after Alpha arrived in Blood Gulch and after the Wyoming incident in Blood Gulch (where they tried to kidnap junior), Chorus takes place 5 years after Alpha initially arrived in Blood Gulch

The mission books has adorable illustrations (they look like Caboose's guides from s14)

There's a mindmap for all the Leonard and Allison iterations and they they connect

Sarge has a guide on how to build a robot, scented lube is preferred, along with mad scientist goggles, a cup of baking soda, and seventeen tablespoons of sugar

More silly plans with fun diagrams

Donut's diary, D tells us that Donut washes his underwear on tuesday's

Caboose's Wisdom section on: feelings, relationships, army etiquette (including gems like crayons don't work as bullets. Use markers.), life, and the reds and blues

Simmons made a text based adventure games

BTS from D, the story of Simmons refusing to go to the Vegas Quadrant is a reference to Gus Sorola (Simmons' VA) refusing to go to Las Vegas with the rest of the rvb creators

You can find the case against Sergeant Grif from the reds at rat's Nest (he was selling red team's ammo to Caboose before he was locked up in the brig, Private Jones wore a wire tap to help the red's catch Grif's under the table dealings)

Leonard met Allison in the mess hall during basic training where he pissed off another recruit and Allison had to save his ass (Church was right, Carolina get's her temper from her mom)

I'm Church. private Church. Leonard. Leonard Church." the only thing I cared about in that moment was that she knew my name. She smiled. Her smile could light up solar systems. "Kind of a funny name. Church." "It's Jewish."

I spent the rest of basic chasing after her. In some ways, I never stopped.

Here's hoping non of our beloved idiots die in season 19! I mean, I know Church will be gone, but the others... they deserve a happy ending.

Also I miss the freelancers and AI...

[autisdicksimmons]

I love any and all reds and blues playing dnd content bc like. The idea of Simmons being so fucking disgruntled as the dm before just stopping for a moment like. Hey. I have friends to play dnd with. Fuck it yeah, Caboose, Freckles can play, sure Tucker you can try to seduce the big bad guy but seeing as you’ve failed at seducing anyone without the assistance of alien sex pollen? Good luck, Wash and Carolina PLEASE stop getting mad that the characters can’t do things you actually can do, but if you can prove you can do it sure you can get Advantage, Sarge. You want Eldritch Blast. That wasn’t a question— you do in fact want Eldritch Blast, Donut. I still REALLY don’t want to say your characters name just know that your actions have consequences