#can i just say like.. the workload is so uneven. like why last week did i have to basically code up 3 webpages

[fingertipsmp3]

I so badly do not want to do my homework omg. But who else is going to do it? Nobody

[mooniefics]

— insubordination

pairing : eren jaeger / fem reader

word count : 5.7k

tags : porn w plot, eventual smut, angst-ish

warnings : nfsw, non-con/extremely dub-con, impact play, descriptions of blood and injury, ooc eren being very mean

summary : you were nothing in his eyes, and he was nothing in yours. that's how it was meant to be, that's what commander hange had assumed when they assigned you such a simple role. but people are unpredictable, and sympathy for the wicked can make you do some pretty stupid things.

— originally posted 1 / 4 / 21 on ao3 —

this task was arguably your least favorite part of the day.

it was too quiet, eerily silent when you walked down the steps, and that one uneven brick always seemed to trip you up when you weren't looking out for it. balancing the dishes on the serving tray also wasn't the easiest, and it was all the more demeaning when he would be waiting for you by the bars, eyes as empty and uninterested as ever but still fixed on your every movement.

you were a soldier, not a waitress, and a part of you wondered why they didn't just make the marleyans do such a belittling task rather than force you to lower yourself down to such a level three times a day. but you knew it was because he'd be less hesitant to strangle the life out of any non-paradisian before he'd go after someone from the island, and you had enough self defense training to withstand any escape attempts he might make.

but eren jaeger seemed docile when he was in his cage, and that fact eased you just the slightest bit when you descended the stairs to his cell that day, toting a sandwich and a glass of water on the tray for him. you thankfully caught yourself before you tripped up on that uneven last step, breathing out a little sigh of relief about not having to deal with split food and broken dishes along with the humiliation of screwing up such an easy task. you didn't want to give him another reason to look down at you, another excuse to see you as even lesser than he already perceived you as.

he didn't seem to care much for a select few from his graduating class, and you seeing that you were trained with the 106th training corp, you hadn't had any sort of direct interactions with him until you were assigned to bring him his food for the day. at first, commander hange had insisted on doing it personally, but as the workload increased and the luxury of free time dwindled, the duty was passed onto you.

you had honestly been terrified when you first faced him, hoping that those bored yet sharp green eyes didn't catch the way your hand trembled when you fit the key into the lock, opening up the slot in the door that was just big enough to slide the tray and its contents across to him. he didn't say much, no hellos or thank yous exchanged, just a brief glance at your face and a muttered "you're new" as he took the tray to his bed and sat, silently eating his meal and sliding back the tray and empty dishes for you to take back up with you. and that was how it usually went, no fuss from either end, just a silence that was barely occupied by the scrapes of his utensils on the plate and the occasional clearing of his throat.

you expected another quiet interaction as you stepped across the old brick floor, keeping an impassive expression even after seeing that he was waiting for you at the bars, wearing nothing besides a pair of trousers that sat low on his hips. you ignored his uncharacteristically intent gaze, setting the tray down on the ground and fetching the ring of keys from your uniform, struggling to not let your eyes wander over him.

something felt different, an unusual feeling of trepidation that clung to you as you picked out the right key, unlocking the serving slot and slipping it back into your pocket. besides his evident lack of a shirt, there was nothing odd about today, nothing that should make you feel the agitation that was creeping up your spine. you swallowed down your nerves as you set the tray down like you always did, sliding it over onto his side of the bars. he always seemed much taller when he was up close like this, and even with his relaxed posture he still towered over you. his robust frame only served to make him more intimidating, muscles flexing beneath the pale skin littered with past scars. you didn't expect to feel the warmth of his fingers brushing over yours when he reached out to take the tray, suppressing the flinch that threatened to make you jump away from his contact, looking up to meet his steady gaze.

"thank you." he said, the slightest of smiles perking up at his lips at the sight of your surprised expression.

despite having the tray in his grasp, he didn't pull away from his place before you, drawing a few fingers down the side of your hand, not taking his eyes off of yours. you gave a gentle push of the tray, urging him to take it, not wanting to back down from what you assumed to be a test of your courage.

"hurry up and eat, jaeger. i don't have all day." you told him with much less authority than you would've hoped, but felt the smallest bit of pleasure from how he blinked at you, most likely not expecting you assertion.

"you know, you can call me eren."

that was the last thing he said before he let his gaze fall to the tray, warmth receding as he took his meal to his bed to eat. that was the most words you'd ever said to one another, arguably the most startling encounter you'd ever had as well. he seemed almost happy to see you, any show of emotion besides indifference was magnified by how rarely it appeared, but you reminded yourself that this was no reason to let your guard down. in fact, this was only more reason to keep a closer eye on him.

he could be planning something, you wouldn't put that kind of scheming past him, you'd heard the murmurs across your unit about how isolated his desires were from the greater good of humanity. he'd lashed out at his superiors as a cadet, he'd rebelled against the judgement of the former commander, fought the levi ackermann for selfish, narrow-minded reasons.

but, really, couldn't he escape whenever he wanted? freedom was just an injury away for him, he could shift into his titan form whenever he pleased and completely demolish the cell and everything above it, run off to see whatever corner of the world he wished to or murder whomever he had on his hit list. perhaps he was merely toying with you, the boredom of isolation driving him to tease the soldier who'd never once gotten the chance to see past the territory just outside the walls despite being a scout. you were surprised that he hadn't gone crazy from being locked up in a cell with just a bed, a sink, and a small barred window, not even a journal or a book for entertainment, although he was unhinged enough to have to be held here, so you assumed that it somehow balanced out in some odd way.

you told yourself to just take a deep breath as you stood by and waited for him to finish his meal, chalking up his behavior to him being an eccentric man with an endless amount of free time in his hands. he didn't speak any more when he passed back the tray and dishes, only offering another faint smile that didn't quite meet his eyes before returning to his bed, allowing you to latch the lock once more and make your quick exit up the stairs, thankfully out of his sight and not dropping anything when you tripped up on that uneven step.

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"eat with me."

he didn't react to your incredulous look from behind the bars, steady stare staying trained on your face, fingers brushing just over your hand. it took you a moment to find your voice. "no."

"why not?" he replied easily, either entirely unaware of his aloofness or intentionally putting up the front of detached confusion.

"you're in there for a reason, eren." you said, giving a gentle push forward to the tray, "now eat."

it had been just over a week since your first conversation, he'd made no attempt to initiate another in the following days until just now. but he wasn't showing the hint of contentment he'd allowed to peek through on his features the last time, just the cool, uncaring demeanor that you'd become accustomed to as he delivered such a ridiculous request.

"i don't want to eat alone." he persisted, punctuating the sentence with his own nudge of the tray back to you, "what could i do? even if i tried to escape, the guards outside would catch me before i made it far." there were no guards outside, but you didn't tell him that. "you'll have wait on me to finish anyways."

you didn't reply back, not wanting to speak and risk him hearing your voice wobble, or let a nervous stutter slip. you found it strange how his displays of humanity were more startling than when he lacked them, the image of his more mechanical self that you'd grown used to, the one that you were alright with leaving in a cell alone for days, being shattered by the slight smiles, the naivety that came in him even thinking that you would comply with his desires.

"i could stand away from the door if it'd make you feel better, you don't even have to sit next to me. i just.." he turned away, lips turning down in an almost sheepish frown. "i just want to feel like someone is in the room with me."

you were almost afraid of this new emotion from him, having to force your brow to not knit into an expression of surprise and your mouth to not fall open at this incredibly unfamiliar territory. you felt that you were good at reading people, good enough to sniff out most false claims and facades that were put up by the people you were close with, but you weren't close with him, not in the least. all you knew of him was his name, his designation, his special abilities, and that he seemed to like soup the best, considering that he always finished the fastest on the days you brought it down for him. how convenient that you had a bowl for him today, alongside a small loaf of bread and the usual glass of water. but looking over his face, you couldn't help but feel your resolve crack just the slightest bit at the sight of him.

it made sense that he was getting lonely down here, the only people that were allowed to speak to him were you and the commander, and seeing that no one had gotten reamed for making an unauthorized visit, you were sure that the small group he was acquainted with weren't sneaking out to give him some company. and there seemed to be genuine emotion gleaming in his usually dull eyes, cheeks and ears flushed with a soft red that warmed his features, a kind of reaction that you found to be hard to fake. you didn't exactly lose sleep over his imprisonment, but you weren't a monster, you didn't discount the mental toll that this kind of solitude could have on a person.

"move away from the door."

the words slipped out of you before you had a chance to think about them anymore, slightly eased by the fact that he actually followed your order and stepped back as far as he could. you picked the ring of keys out of your pocket, finding the one that unlocked the door to his cell and slowly pressing it into the keyhole, letting out a small breath of alarm when you heard the inner mechanisms unlatch.

you couldn't help the way your eyes darted over to him, half expecting him to come  running to shove past you and make a mad dash out of the barracks. but he stayed right where he was, not moving even as you pushed open the door and stepped in, trying not to turn your back to him for too long as you eased it shut and tucked the keys back into your pocket, taking his tray and setting it at the foot of his bed like he always did before returning to your place at the door, giving a small nod to let him know he could move.

he was relaxed as ever, nearly smiling to himself as he took a seat, as opposed to you, who's back was stiffened into the straightest your posture had been in weeks, clenched hands that were becoming clammy with sweat. you knew exactly why you were getting so worked up over being on the other side of the bars that had giving you that sense of security now only giving you the sense of being caged in with someone who was really more of a stranger to you than anything. but he seemed more than pleased to have you in his vicinity, and the look on his face eased the chill rattling up your back, threatening to make you look more like a cornered animal more than a stoic soldier.

he was halfway through his soup when he reached for the bread, raising it to his lips to take a bite before he stopped, glancing over to you with a sudden intrigue. you watched as he broke it in two, not minding the crumbs that fell down onto his shirt and lap, holding the larger looking piece out to you. "here. it wouldn't be fair if you just had stand there and watch me enjoy my meal."

if your eyes widened in surprise, he didn't react to it, only adding a slight wave to his outstretched offering. you forced your foot forward, nervous to approach him but wanting to accept what felt like a sort of peace offering, a wordless assurance that he meant well. for the first time, his mouth drew back into a smile, a full, genuine, almost charming smile when you took the bread, hoping he didn't catch the way your fingers trembled as you stood there, unsure of whether to focus on the warmth of his gesture or taking a bite like he seemed to be expectantly waiting for you to do.

you didn't realize how dry your mouth was until you bit off a small chunk, chewing much longer than you usually did before you swallowed it down, not tasting anything but feeling your heart skip at the sight of his happiness. you retreated to your place at the door, finishing off the bread, watching him quickly wrap up his own meal and get everything back in order on the tray. he didn't usually do that either.

you felt an uncomfortable squeeze in your chest when he stood, gathering the tray in his hands and walking up to you with slow steps. he made sure to keep a good distance away from you, probably not wanting to give you any reason to be anymore afraid that you already were. you took the tray when he held it out to you, and he stayed holding onto it with you just a moment longer than he needed to, gleaming eyes wandering over your face in that little bit of time before he released his grasp, stepping back to where he originally had when you first entered and mimicking your small nod to tell you it was alright to go.

you couldn't help the smile that tugged at your lips, a shy, nervous little close-lipped smile that came with the blush darkening on your cheeks, nudging open the cell door with your foot and exiting without a problem. and as you fished the key ring out of your pocket and found the right one to slide into the keyhole, he took a seat at the foot of his bed, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, gazing up at you as you secured the lock back into place.

"thank you."

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

you found yourself going into his cell a lot more often than you probably should've.

the first couple days you stood at your place by the unlocked door, seeing how with each passing day you exchanged more and more words, the conversations becoming less stiff and hesitant. you only went in at lunch, since in the morning there were a lot more people milling about after breakfast, and in the evening the guards that stood outside by the stairs actually came to ensure he didn't get out during the night. the afternoon was the only time where everyone had already gone to their designated workstations, and besides the stray person or two that happened to pass by during that time, no one was around to catch your massive insubordination of orders.

you'd eventually began to sit at the foot of the bed, the tray putting a comfortable distance between the two of you as you chatted. he would offer you bites of his sandwich, or a piece of his bread like he did the first time you shared a meal, always giving you a little something despite your insistence that he kept it for himself, saying that "it would be unfair to starve his guest". speaking casually was surprisingly easy, passing stories of your training days and your initial struggles with omni-directional movement gear back and forth, letting him tell you about his time across the ocean and appreciating how intently he listened to you lamenting about the severe lack of exposure you had to the world outside the walls.

you couldn't admit it to anyone else, but you had begun to grow fond of him. the initial expression of cool apathy completely melted away when you were with him, the features of his face which you had initially found stern becoming somewhat handsome when he was giving those little smiles, a breath of a chuckle when you said something he found funny, or the focused expression he would take on when he nodded along to the stories from your childhood you had to offer. perhaps under different circumstances, you might've even wanted to see if things could go further than easy banter between two friends, biting your tongue when you thought about slipping in something about how he could be your guide when you could finally go out and see the world.

there was no way they would keep him in here forever, the effort to cover new ground and widen the army's frontiers was going swimmingly from the looks of it, so maybe there'd be a day in the future where you could walk about with him, away from the brick of his cell and without the bars separating you. that thought had been especially nice to think about as you sat on your calves across from him on the bed, your half of today's bread nearly gone as you listened to him talk about what he would get up to when he was a child, running around his hometown by himself and trying to sneak into taverns to catch a peek at the barmaidens.

"you know, there was this one particular girl that i remember being head over heels for," he mused, pausing to lick the bit of soup that had swiped across his lips from his last spoonful, "one time she came to my home for my father to check out her arm, said she'd gotten grabbed by one of the more unsavory characters that hung around those bars. i was so angry i almost went out looking for him myself."

you giggled a bit at the mental image, a wide-eyed little boy with the big dream of saving his childhood crush from the evil world. "isn't that sweet?" you quipped with a smile, quickly eating the last bite of bread in your hand and dusting off the crumbs onto the floor, "what'd she look like? she had to be beautiful to catch your eye." you tried not to let your disappointment in letting that slip show as you waited for his reply, mentally noting to have a bit more verbal control the next time.

"well, she actually kind of looked like you."

you felt your face pink at that, trying not to show your embarrassment as you cleared your throat. "r-really?" that was all you could manage, only feeling even more flustered by the slight grin he gave.

"really. you're obviously not identical, but there are a couple of things that remind me of her when i look at you." he shifted his position a bit, the space between you narrowing as he leaned over the tray to get a better look at your face. "your eyes look like hers, a different color, but the same shape. and you have the same freckle right here."

he pointed to the place on your face, finger inches away from you but still the closest you'd ever been to touching aside from the light brushes of your hands when you passed the tray to one another. "and now that i'm really looking, you both kind of have the same hair."

he was much closer than before, both of your knees at either end of the tray because of how it'd been pushed, realizing that you yourself had been unconsciously leaning forward. the warmth of his hand brushing across your cheek was a bit startling but definitely not unwelcome, thumb catching a stray lock of hair to tuck behind your ear.

"yeah.. you do." he murmured quietly, but you were more than close enough to hear it, able to pick out the brighter flecks in his brilliantly green irises, feeling his soft exhales fanning across your lips.

you couldn't believe you had let this happen, let yourself end up like this with the man you were supposed to just bring food to and guard from a distance, but at the same time you couldn't pull away, couldn't force yourself to part from the now low-lidded eyes gazing at you with such an unreadable depth, just barely obstructed by the hair that had slipped out of the messy style he had it drawn up in today, full lips parted and just a breath away from pressing onto your own. and so you let your eyes fall shut, feeling his hand slip further into your hair, fingers working deeper into it like they were meant to be there. but instead of a kiss, you felt his grasp in your hair suddenly tighten, barely able to let out a small gasp of pain before he drew your head to the side and smashed it into the brick wall next to you.

pain exploded across your skull, white spots blotting out your vision when your eyes flew open, unable to hold yourself up when he threw you down on the bed, already feeling the warmth of blood seeping out of the broken skin. you could faintly hear the clatter of metal and the smash of porcelain on the floor when he kicked the tray to the ground through the ringing in your ears. your first attempt to speak came out as almost a wheeze, mouth numb with shock as you tried to force your leadened limbs to move, writhing uselessly as he began to wrestle off the belt of your jacket, flipping you onto your stomach as soon as it came undone and ripping the jacket off of you with one strong pull to the collar.

"hel—help !" you wailed almost incoherently into the empty hall, knowing for a fact that no one was there but hoping there was somebody, anybody that could possibly be wandering past the building outside would come to save you.

all your combat experience meant nothing now that he had you sprawled out under him, straddling you as he tied your hands behind your back with your own belt, laughing coldly at every half-hearted squirm and small sob that left you. the wound on your head sent an unbearable ache through your entire body, beginning at your temple and searing through every nerve, each rough jostle from the body on top of you only adding to the pain.

"thank you for being such a kind guard," he drawled, audibly shaking your jacket to figure out which pocket the keys were in, "you really are great company, and such a sight for sore eyes."

your spotty vision was only further obscured by the tears that were now dripping onto the sheets. "p-please, d-don't hurt me..!" you cried, seeing him toss the jacket down on the floor, most likely having pocketed the keys for himself. he hauled your hips up by the waistline of your trousers, seeming to take joy in the way you whimpered at the strain you felt in your arms.

"do you really think you're in the place to make demands?" his voice was dripping with arrogance, breath hot on the back of your neck as he spoke into your ear, "the one who was stupid enough to fall for such a simple trick? the way i see it, it's almost like you were asking for this to happen."

you furiously shook your head at that, ignoring the way each thrash sent an ache echoing through your skull, teeth clenched in pain as you tried to force the words out. "n-no.. please, n-n-no—"

he didn't care much for your frantic tears or stammered pleas, already tugging your pants and underwear down around your trembling legs. "but you're worth a few moments of my time, all stupidity set aside. you really do look like that lovely barmaiden from my hometown." he paused to grab at the soft flesh of your exposed thighs, spreading you open as far as your position allowed it to, revealing the wetness of your involuntary excitement. "and look at that, already all nice and wet, just for me."

another pained sound escaped when he firmly grabbed your hair again, keeping the side of your face pressed into the bed, barely allowing you to hear him undo the zip of his pants and the ruffle of him pushing them down. he thrust into you without warning, drawing a hoarse whine from the burn of the sudden intrusion, eyes squeezed shut and lips parted to try and steady your strained, uneven breaths.

"relax, relax." he demanded, nearly growling as the heel of his palm pressing down on the back of your neck.

it wasn't as if this was your first time, but the people that you'd been with before we're always gentle with you, patient, asking infrequent but sincere "are you ok"s and "you're ok, right"s that quelled any unease about being in such a vulnerable position. but the hazy calm you'd had begun to associate with sex was completely absent in this moment, the empty space instead filled with the hiccuped sobs that refused to stay down in your chest, the throb of your bleeding scalp that was only worsened by his large hand grasping a fistful of your hair, beginning to clump with sticky red blood that was just starting to soak into the white sheets of the bed. you couldn't understand why that fear that was permeating through you, the peril that gripped your racing heart so relentlessly, the thought of not knowing whether you could assure your survival or not was only making you more and more excited for him.

he had taken up an unforgiving pace, driving small, broken moans from your lips, tense muscles gradually relaxing to accommodate all of him. it was wrong, you should've been fighting right now, keeping up your screams for help, anything to prove to yourself that you wanted to escape, but you found that it felt so terrifyingly good to give up under him.

"eren.." you barely managed to enunciate his name before your words devolved into more breathless whines, pins and needles pricking at your now numbing fingers that were losing circulation from your bindings.

"fucking pathetic," he spat, free hand moving to abuse your clit with rough, uncoordinated rubs, "you're just fucking begging for it, aren't you?"

he punctuated each abrasive word with a deeper thrust into you, dragging you over the edge before you even had the chance to realize how close you were to cumming. you cried out at the heat tearing through every inch of your sore flesh, nails digging into your palms as you slumped back against him, saliva dripping out of your open mouth and onto the bed.

the emptiness of him pulling out of you made you whimper, more strained sounds of protest escaping your throat as he flipped you onto your back, struggling to find a bearable position with the way your hands pressed uncomfortably into your spine. for the first time you were able to see the wild look in his eyes, his lips drawn back into more of a snarl that bared his teeth rather than a smile, even more of his long, dark hair having fallen from his hair tie. you could hardly take in the finer details of his image, the symptoms of the concussion you likely had already settling in around the edges of your vision, remaining sight starting to flicker out into darkness.

"wake up. hey." the sight of his hand rearing back and the sharp sting of its impact on your cheek were disconnected but registered all the same, forcing a pained groan out of you as you blinked up at him, trying desperately to dispel the black specks pulsing across your vision as you recovered from the jerk of your head being knocked to the side.

you could already feel the redness forming on the skin of your face, the rough hands that had just started tugging at your shirt impatiently tearing it halfway open, sending buttons flying off in every direction as he grinned down at you.

"you really threw a wrench into this whole plan of mine." he forced down a few chuckles, wiping some of your blood on his fingers off on your ruined shirt, "i should be making my way to the east exit right now, but all i can think right about it seeing that pretty fucking face you're gonna make when i make you cum again."

his fingers dug into the pliant flesh of your thighs, wrapping them around his waist as he pushed himself right back into you, clearly relishing in the way you whimpered out baseless pleas and curses. your legs squeezed around him instinctually, hips bucking up to meet his despite the small whisper in the back of your mind still begging for you to maintain a shred of dignity and push him away.

he kissed messily at the base of your neck, barely able to maintain the mimicry of intimacy for more than a few seconds before he was biting at the exposed skin, sometimes only just brushing his teeth over it but sometimes hard enough to print them into the bruising flesh. you could barely hold your eyes open enough to see the cracked ceiling above you, feeling the heat of his breaths over your shoulder and the audible clap of his skin meeting yours with every rough thrust. you chose to focus on the familiar pressure welling deep in your stomach, letting your eyes roll back into your head and your shaking legs squeeze tighter around him, only acknowledging his teeth breaking your skin with a whine in favor of just letting yourself hit that impossibly high peak once again.

he growled out a low string of curses into your neck, movements becoming less coordinated and even rougher as you came around him for his second time, not having enough lucidity to be ashamed of how easily release came. he continued even as your legs became heavy in his grasp, writhing and crying out dissipating into the occasional twitch, barely able to register the end of the entire exchange until you felt the liquid heat spilling into you. it only halfway made up for the lack of his cock in you as he pulled away, not bothering to try and bring you back to consciousness while he shoved himself back into his pants.

you roused on your own just a few moments later, gasping in quick little breaths and rolling yourself onto your side so you didn't crush your numb hands and wrists anymore than you already had, blinking away the blur of tears and the spottiness of passing out as you craned your neck to look up at him, wincing when you drew an injured area of skin taut. you just caught him tugging on your jacket, which had always fitted you loosely and was now fitting him snugly, his face flushed but having returned to his usual cool, impassive demeanor. but when he turned to look down at you, you could see a flicker of pride cross his features, the slightest smirk playing on his lips.

he said nothing as he walked right out of his cell, shutting the metal door and locking it behind him, the sound of his footfalls growing fainter down the hall and disappearing entirely as he ascended the steps. you would guess that it took around an hour for someone to come down and find you. by then, the slow stream of blood had slowed and clotted, and the belt around your wrists had loosened enough to allow adequate blood flow but still too tight for you to wriggle out of in your weakened state. you were sure that you looked pretty worse for wear; half naked, covered in injuries of varying severity, messy with a mix of blood, spit, tears, and cum.

but instead of thanking your lucky stars that you didn't have to spend the whole night trapped down there, you simply let your heavy eyes fall back shut as the soldier, a boy your age that you didn't know well but had gone out on a few mission with, promised to come back with a spare key and take you to the infirmary before running out in a panic. you didn't know whether you wanted eren jaeger to successfully make it out or be apprehended and sent right back here after they'd cleaned you up. would they interrogate him about how he escaped? would he tell them about you and the role you played in it?

after all was said and done, the only thing you were entirely sure about was that you'd probably never be allowed to go near him or participate in any assignments involving him ever again. and even after everything, a part of you just didn't want to believe that this was the end for the two of you.

[dancingthesambaa]

The Smell of Plum Blossom Tea Ch 8

Summary: Just like a butterfly wing, a single act of kindness can change the course of the future, it certainly did for MK as a black-furred monkey put out a hand towards him

Rating: Teen and up

Chapter 8: One By One

It’s been over a few weeks since the whole Bull King invasion and things have been pretty peaceful. The city has slowly begun to rebuild itself and people have steadily begun to go back to their day to day lives.

If there's one thing he can appreciate about society is that they always will keep going even when everything around them has been destroyed.

Macaque's own workload has finally eased up, the hospital didn’t anticipate that many wounded in that short span and wasn’t able to gather the materials. So, he has gotten calls from both Yanyu and some of the higher ups in the field for his assistance.

“This has been a pain in the ass,” he grumbled as he sat down on the couch with his cup of tea. “I really shouldn’t have let them off so easily for the fuckton of work they put on me.” His was then twitched as he heard a familiar/strange set of feet dashing their way towards him.

“Dad!” He sees his son, who had his jacket tied around his waist and staff nowhere in sight, smiles widely as he leaps to him and gives him a big hug, “it’s been so long!”

“Hey kiddo,” he was taken momentarily off guard by the hug, but smiled down at him as he petted his hair. “How was work?”

“Oh I didn’t go, someone is taking care of that,” he happily stated as he still held on tight.

Macaque blinked for a moment before he gave a small chuckle, “oh, is that so, well I was about to read and relax, you want to join?”

“Can you read out loud?” He cheerfully asked as he got himself comfortable on the couch as he laid down.

“Of course.”

“Yay!”

So Macaque began to tell the story of a blind girl and how she stood strong in the face of adversity and ridicule. He was in the middle of the part where the girl denies the deity gift of giving her sight when he heard the door slam open wide.

“Stay away from my Dad!/Don't worry old man, we're here!” MK and Mei respectively shouted out as they both held staff and sword out to fight the battle ahead, only to falter as they took in the scene of Mac sitting quite comfortably on the couch, while another MK laid on his lap with a content smile. “Uhhhh.”

“Took you long enough,” he said with amusement, “I was almost about to send a clone out to you myself.”

“Huh?”

“What? You don’t think I can’t tell a clone apart from my son?” He smirked as he patted the clone ahead, the only response was cuddling closer to him.

“You know?!” MK yelled out as he walked forward, still a bit cautious after his encounters with the rest of his clones.

He only raised an eyebrow as he showed off his shadow clone.

“Oooh, yeah that makes sense.”

“How come he didn’t attack you!” Mei threw her hands up in frustration. “I mean, come on! I had to deal with Portay MK and you have Mr. Cuddle Bug?!”

“Attack, Pfft yeah that's what usually happens during the first duplicate trials,” he said as he laid his book down.

“I’m sorry what?” MK has put away the staff at this point as he tried to sit next to his Dad, only to forget that the space was currently occupied by another him. He stared down at the clone laying in his spot then the clone looked up at him and just turned around and faced away from him.

“No,” was all he said as the next moment the clone disappeared and there sat the real MK with a wide grin, “so what was that about the trials?”

The six eared monkey raised an eyebrow at his son's actions as Mei wheezed in the background, “well usually when someone is learning the clone technique most of the time the clones would try to attack the user to prove their authority or their sense of identity.”

“That is actually terrifying,” he deadpanned.

“I thought you already knew this?” He questioned his son, who suddenly blushed.

“Well I may have accidentally learned I can do this,” he scratched the back of his neck as he laid on his Dad's lap.

“And you decided to test it out despite not knowing the consequences,” he sighed as he examined his son hair which was now sporting some very uneven ends and patches, “you even messed up your hair cause of this, I thought I taught you to not mess with magic unless you have me or someone competent in the arts.”

“I know, I know, but I just wanted some sleep and quiet!” He moaned out as he let the furry hands caress the knots and tangles in his hair, “I didn’t think it would lead up to this.”

“That’s how they all start,” he snorted as he felt Mei sit on his other side and lay on his shoulder, “so why don’t you tell me how this all began and tell me a bit more about your training with Wukong. I haven’t heard back on how that’s been going.”

“Training with the Monkey King is amazing!” He lit up as he talked all about his sessions.

Macaque silently listened to his son ramble on about his training sessions with Wukong and boy did that still send him reeling.

He still can’t believe that this is happening, that in all of these strange currents of events, Wukong actually made his son his successor. He still doesn't know how to feel about that cause, on one hand, damn straight his child can lift the staff no one has ever been able to before, he is so proud that he accomplished the impossible that mere words still can’t explain it. But on the other hand, Wukong recklessly decided to choose his son to be his successor despite his many enemies, does that idiot not comprehend the target he just placed on his back.

‘I swear I have half the mind to go up there and knock him silly for his complete ignorance…though how everything goes after that is the only thing that’s stopping me,’ Mac internally thought. ‘Who knows how he would react if I show up unannounced…probably would be just the sequel of our last fight,’ he bitterly thought. He has long accepted that his former friend probably wanted nothing to do with him anymore if they ever saw each other again.

“And then he goes on about how one must never- are you even paying attention?!” MK's voice broke out of his thoughts.

“Yeah I am, you were just talking about how your swings are easily blockable.”

“They are not that bad,” he huffed.

“You swing too wide comet/You hit like it’s a baseball bat,” both demon and teenager said.

“Okay, I may have a small issue.”

“And that’s why you're training,” he said as he took his hands out of his hair when he began to yawn.

“Yeah I know,” he sleepily said as he closed his eyes.

‘At least he is enjoying himself,’ he then focused his attention on Mei, who was also dozing off and began to groom her hair as well.

“Is that the best you got flame brain,” Daiyu cackled out as she flew higher in the air and dodged the fireball, “I met imps who were stronger than that-shit!” She felt a sharp pain explode from her back.

“Don’t you dare think you can outmatch me, little bird!” Red Son cockily stated as he twisted one of her wings and the two began to a downward spiral. “I have fought monsters thrice the size of you and remained victorious!”

“Not today's string bean!” She squawked out as she flips on her back as the two were falling so that the fire demon could break her fall.

It was a tense stand off as neither side gave in even when they were free falling, it was only when they were ten feet away from the ground did he jump off her. He hoped that this would have worked and broken a few of her bones, but alas it didn’t as she caught herself just before and stopped herself.

“Tch,” he clicked his tongue in agitation as he went in for another strike for her wings, only to get batted off.

“Ha, ain’t fooling me again Flicker! Or maybe that candle on your head is finally reaching its end!” She went for his neck only to get buffed by his hand grabbing her beak.

“I’ll show you who's reaching their end once I burn you into a fiery crisp that not even your brethren would want to feast upon!” He tried to keep her in his hold as he lit up, but she managed to kick free of his grasp.

“Ha! I like to see you try! My shithead brothers and sisters would eat everything and I’m not even counting the chicks that just hatched!” She flew up high and prepared for a dive bomb.

“Let’s find out!” His entire body began to lit up in flames as his eyes bore into her.

“They seem to be having fun,” Bohai said as he lazily watched them.

“Two people who like the thrill of the battle going at it, of course, they like this shit,” Minsheng scoffed as they laid down, “at least they're not doing battles to the death anymore, that usually gets bloody way too fast.”

“And leaves me having to deal with their injured asses,” Macaque grumbled as he petted the infant monkey's head.

“Your friends,” the jellyfish pointed out.

“I was forced into this,” he stated.

“And we’re still here,” the rabbit demon grinned.

“Unfortunately.”

MK and Mei, on the other hand, still couldn’t believe their eyes as they continued to see the arrogant demon that was trying to kill them happily fighting. Well the fight part not really, but the happy thing was a bit out of left field. They had walked into the sounds of fighting and, while still being very cautious as they remembered Mac and Ahmed's last fight, quietly tried to investigate what was happening. So to see this scene was a little jarring once they realized that the two were simply sparring with each other.

“Huh, I have to say this is the quickest redemption arc I have ever seen,” Mei mused, “not even a month ago he was trying to kill us and now he is all buddy buddy with Dad and his friends.”

“To be fair, I think they mentioned him before,” MK said.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” the said monkey popped in, “I have. I actually have known him longer than the both of you. His family sometimes would stop by for some items from time to time.”

“Huh, well that’s honestly not that big of a shock,” Mei pouted as they watched Red Son finally pin the vulture demon down.

“I told you, you can’t beat me! For I am Red Son, prince to the esteemed Demon Bull King and the mighty Princess Iron Fan!” He maniacally laughed.

“You're a prince!” He was startled out of it when two voices reached over to him.

“Indeed I am! Who dares step forward and-,” he stops himself mid sentence when he sees noodle boy and biker girl familiar faces. His face drops, “oh it’s you two.”

“Like I knew DBK was your dad and all, but it never occurred to me that you would be a prince with, well you know,” Mei hummed out.

“With what?” He growled the last bit out.

“With you being a reckless, two-bit side character that likes to leap before they walk,” she bluntly said.

“I am no mere Side Character!” He bowled out as his hair flame intensified.

“Aren’t you though?”

“I’m not”

“But you can be, like how I can totally be one as well.”

“I am no mere side character,” he spat out, “I am the antagonist that stands against the hero path! I am the flame of destruction that threatens to consume all! I am the prince of the feared and mighty who takes pride in oneself and all that they do!”

“…okay but aren’t some villains side characters?” She couldn’t help it, she was having way too much fun at this point.

“I AM NOT A SIDE CHARACTER!”

“I feel like we have gotten meta somewhere,” MK muttered out and then walked forward before Mei could say anything that would trigger the raging flame demon anymore. “Hi! I know we didn’t really introduce ourselves after…that, but I’m MK and she's Mei.”

“…Red Son,” he eyed the smiling boy in front of him, “and I already knew who you are, your father talks much about the two of you.”

“Awwww, fluffy head does,” Mei cooed as she turned to face Macaque, who was resolutely not looking in their direction.

“Wait, if you knew who we were, why did you attack?” The Monkie Kid couldn’t help but ask.

Surprising the both of them, the prince blushed a bit out of embarrassment as he muttered out, “I didn’t know it was the two of you in the first place.”

“How?!” Mei sputtered out. “Like we were probably screaming each other's names so many times?!”

“No! You peasants were just screaming! Nothing short of a name has ever come up in the middle of it all!”

“Wait-so that’s why you called me Noodle boy?”

“Noodle boy?” She snorted.

“Your biker girl,” he hissed out.

“Biker girl…hmm not that bad actually,” she put her hand under her chin, “though did you seriously just come up with that because of what we were doing?”

“Yes,” the demon unashamedly said.

Both humans looked at one another before they both laughed wildly.

“Hahaha! Holy shit, you are such a dork,” the dragon girl clutched her stomach.

“By the Gods, that is kinda adorable,” the monkey's successor was pounding his fist on the ground.

“I am neither a dork nor adorable!” The Bull prince roared out as he marched over to them in fury. “Take that back!”

“NEVER!”

“And thus the start of a beautiful friendship,” Macaque couldn’t help but say as the demon began to chase the two around.

“Yeah, I worked my back off for it,” Daiyu grumbled as she finally got off the ground from where Red Son was pinning her down. “That whole time I just wanted to throttle him at them just so I could feel my wings again.”

“Don’t worry, your wings have some use finally,” Minsheng couldn’t help but say.

Daiyu promptly smacked her wings against their head.

“What do you mean disappeared?” Mei asked MK when he rushed inside their super secret base.

“All I know is that they were shopping and now I can’t contact nor find either one of them!” MK freaked out as he gripped his staff. “What if they're in trouble?”

“Take a deep breath MK,” Sandy rubbed the human back, “we don’t know that, their phones could simply be out of batteries or they got lost talking to each other.”

“Even though they’ll never admit it,” he said.

“Exactly, but the shop isn’t open!”

That drew out sharp gasps as now they began to panic.

“He has never not opened his store before!” Sandy shouted as he gripped his hair.

“I think he’s been kidnapped!” MK screamed in agreement.

“I immediately fear the worst!”

Mei rushed over to one of the screens and began to type in a few things and up on the screen appeared both people talking to a lady.

“They haven’t been carted away to treacherous territories,” the giant sighed in relief.

“Oh thank god they're still shopping,” MK sagged in relief as he saw this, “wait Mei what is this?”

“I had cameras placed on all of you and you said this was creepy,” she has already lost her brother once, that was not about to happen again.

“That still is.”

“Oh look now they're following that nice lady, see they're just fine,” Sandy inputted as they watched the two slowly follow the woman shrouded in black when suddenly there was a trap that opened underneath them, “AH! I was wrong! I was wrong! This is bad! This is very bad!”

“Nightmare hole!” The twenty year old screamed out as Mei's eyes widened in shock, “what happened?”

“It looks like?” She began to enhance and zoom into the blurred picture and when it became clear it showed an eight legged spider lady standing above them all.

“A spider demon! Come on! No! Ew! Yuck! I do not want to mess with spiders of any kind! I hate spiders! Hate, hate, hate spiders! With their beady eyes and their creepy wiggly legs and their gross butt!”

“MK, right now that spider demon has our friends so you know what that means,” Sandy pumped them up. “It’s Operation save Pigsy and Tang from the Nightmare Hole!”

“Yeah!” Both teens pumped their fists in the air along with the cat.

“Should we call Macaque for backup,” Sandy asked as he started up the engine.

“Nope!” MK quickly said before Mei could, “we can do this on our own!”

MK slowly began to back away as the Spider demon loomed over him menacingly. She had managed to capture Sandy and Mei as well and only he was the last one standing. “I regret everything I said.”

“Aww, don’t tell me you're scared of spiders!” She said as she stepped into the light then that faint tickling in the back of his head finally eased up at the full reveal.

“Wait? I know you!” His jaw dropped as he saw just exactly who was standing in front of him.

“What?” They all shouted even Spider Queen who was stunned out of sheer confusion.

“No wonder you look familiar! Daiyu talks about you all the time,” MK stated as he lost some of his fear at the relief of finally knowing why she seemed so familiar.

Though as his fear was momentarily suppressed the Spider Queen was not as she blanched at the name, “you know Daiyu!”

“Oh yeah, she has a bone to pick with you after you ripped her off, she said something about wanting to pluck the meat off of your corpse after she gets done beating you to a pulp or something like that.”

“I am now concerned by that statement,” Pigsy said.

“Oh don’t worry, she’s a vulture demon,” Mei happily responded.

“That does not make it better.”

“Does for me sweetheart,” Tang smiled, “it makes sense for a vulture to go for a corpse because they are cartoons. It’s actually quite fascinating-,”

“Tang I love you, but please don’t say that as we’re currently being tied up like a lamb ready for the slaughter,” Pigsy begged.

“…what?”

The pig and human eyes widened at what both said, but luckily they didn’t have to say anything as the Spider Queen roared in rage.

“I may be a slicker, but I ain’t no sham when it comes to my silk! Tell that chicken legged, deep fried coward that I will personally send her down under if she even instigates that I would do that!” She roared in rage as she stood tall in MK, who promptly got scared once more as he realized what he just said.

“MK run!” Pigsy yelled out.

“Don’t need to tell me twice!” MK slid between the Spider Queen legs and he began to book it.

“Get back here little monkey boy!”

“I feel like I should tell Daiyu where Spider Queen has been hiding,” MK mused as they floated along the ocean.

“As long as I’m there, I really want to see her explode in fury before the bloodbath happens,” Mei snorted as she laid across the top.

“You know, I sometimes worry about you,” Pigsy looked at the young lady at that statement.

“Fuzz butt says that too.”

“Shouldn’t you listen to your doctor?”

“Shouldn’t you listen to what you said back at the cave, don’t you think just because we were tied up doesn’t mean I don’t have ears,” she teased as Sandy nodded.

“Wait, what happened?” MK looked at both of them in confusion.

Sandy leaned over and whispered what happened and the boy's eyes widened and sparkled with glee. “Ohohoho!”

“It was the slip of a tongue,” Tang said as he pushed up his glasses in nervousness. “Nothing more.”

“Yeah, what he said, just a slip of the tongue,” Pigsy twisted his hands.

“Some slip, some would say that it almost sounded like,” the twenty year old girl leaned in with a mischievous glint in her eyes, “an old married couple would say to one another.”

“WE ARE NOT A COUPLE!” They both shouted and they shared glances at each other only to catch a view of their red faces and promptly turn to face away from them.

“If you say so,” she backed off with her hands up.

“And we say so,” the pig crossed his arms.

“Very much so,” Tang copied.

Both Sandy and MK were in the background holding back their laughs as they could barely keep it together.

MK woke up to the shake of an earthquake and his whole world feeling off balance.

At first, he wrote this off as the aftermath of the earthquake as he quickly got ready for work as he prayed Pigsy doesn’t fire him. But as he walked down the street with his drink in hand he still couldn't help, but felt his whole world was just off balance, like everything was just missing a beat or so, it was the weirdest feeling.

“Maybe I just banged my head too hard, should probably ask Dad to check in case,” he muttered in his straw as he was about to yell out when he saw Mei standing in the middle of the road. “Mei, I’m glad you’re here!”

“Yes I am right here,” she grinned widely, “and what’s this about calling your Dad?”

“I don’t know if I have a concussion or something else, but something seems really off and I can’t put my finger on what,” he groaned.

“It’s nothing, just relax. Today is all about you.”

“Aren’t you usually the one who usually tells me to call him if things are getting too sticky to handle?” MK questioned as that off balance feeling was coming in full force.

“I am?” He could almost see her face contort for a brief moment before going back to her previous creepy grin, “I mean I am! But he’s probably busy doing stuff sweetie.”

“Sweetie,” he looked at her in pure disgust.

“I mean dear friend,” he never thought someone could grin that wide.

“Even when he’s in the middle of making medicine he always answers,” at this point he has begun to back up from Mei. He did not like just how off this whole thing was and it wasn’t helping that the crowd was just watching them.

“Don’t worry,” she ominously said, “I’m sure…”

“Macaque,” he supplied as he quickly got into position to bolt out of there as soon as he had the chance. This was definitely not Mei!

“Right Macaque will be just-!” Not just Mei, but the entire crowd of people's heads snapped towards MK.

“Did you just say Macaque!” They all yelled out.

“Yeah?!?” He was now more than freaking out as he looked for possible exits, he was not about to stay here a moment longer if he could. But then his whole world began to fade away as he saw the people just shake their heads and arms as they seem to glitch out.

“Nope, nuh uh, F this! Plan is officially done! Do not collect after Go! Finish!” He blinked his eyes as he saw that he was now in a shack and standing in front of him was a blue and orange demon. The blue one was just holding a jar of some kind, while the orange one was speaking.

“Done! Capital D.O.N.E! Done!”

“I think he gets it Jin,” the blue demon said.

“Well excuse me for being freaked out about this! Why aren’t you freaking out about this?!”

“Oh I am, one moment,” he said as he carefully put down the jar, “there we go….We freaking messed up so bad!” The demon began to panic, “like this is going to the top thirty bad.”

“Fucckkk!” Jin said as he gripped his hair.

“What is going on?!” MK yelled out his frustration as he collected the staff and kept a tight grip on it. “Who are you?!”

The two demons paused their freak out as they both dramatically posed.

“I am Jin!” The orange demon jumped up.

“And I am Yin!” The blue demon bowed low.

“And together,” they both said in sync as Jin landed on top of Yin back, “we are the Gold/Silver and Silver/Gold demons!”

There was a silence as both parties looked at each other before both brothers then began to fight over the name.

“It’s Gold and Silver nitwit!”

“No, it's Silver and Gold half bake!”

“Seriously, what is going on and why am I here?” He reiterated his point as that got the two to stop fighting.

“We heard about the great Monkie kid and knew he would be a worthy adversary,” Yin stated as he crossed his arms.

“Yes, so after our cunning plan we called out to you and you foolishly,” they both pointed to him, “answered.”

“…I was delivering noodles of course I was gonna answer,” his eyes twitched at the sheer ridiculousness of this.

“But you still answered and fell right into our plan to use you for our nefarious purposes!” Gin dramatically laughed.

“Until we knew that you were the Six Eared Macaque kid,” Yin added.

“Yeah before that,” he stopped his laughter, “we know we’re certifiably insane, but we ain’t stupid.”

“Yeah, we know better than to try to mess with what’s Macaque, I heard the last demon who tried that was tormented by him for a hundred days,” the blue demon shivered.

“I heard he once pulled the inside out of another demon just because he was having a bad day.”

“Well I heard he took on and defeated an entire army so that he could pass by.”

“I heard that he can suck some demon body and soul into a cursed item and make them fight for him.”

“Oh that one’s true,” MK butted in as at this point he sat down as he realized that they were not even a threat, just very amusing.

Both of them shivered as they looked at him in horror, “wait really!?”

“Yep!”

“Check that rumor off as being real,” Jin groaned as Yin held out a rather large book.

“Already on it.”

“What’s that?” MK asked.

“Oh it’s just a book with basically any rumors we happen to come across,” Yin proudly showed off, “most of them are probably not true, but it is amusing to hear. Like this one, it’s rumored that the Demon Bull King lost his horn after he insulted a deity and it broke off from sheer embarrassment after she had slapped him silly for a couple of hours.”

“Snrk!” He let out a sputter at the sheer ridiculousness.

“The Celestial Heavens is actually a conspiracy used to hide the good alcohol, cause if that shit was freely given the whole world would be gone.”

“Pffffft!”

“That we are actually all standing on a hand right now, but we just can’t see it.”

“Hahahaha!” MK let it out as he clutched his stomach. “These sound so stupid!”

“I know right!” Jin grinned, “that’s why we record them, cause they sound just so dumb!”

“They really do,” the Monkie kid said as he got his laughter back in control and sat back up, “so you're not gonna try to capture me again?”

“Like we said before, Monkey King is one thing, but we ain’t messing with Macaque. If you think Monkey King has a grudge, you should see that trickster when he really has time to think and plan on revenge,” the orange demon said.

“Ain’t nobody gonna get in his way,” the blue demon finished.

“Good!” He should probably ask about all his Dad’s revenge stories sometimes, he knows they would be good ones then a thought occurred to him as he scrunched up his nose. “So, why did you have Mei call me sweetie?”

“Ask Jin,” he pointed to his brother.

“Well, I thought since you guys are childhood friends and all you have feelings for one another, you know, like in the books and all that,” he shrugged his shoulders.

“Crush?! On Mei?! Grosss!” He yelled out as he can almost feel himself puke at the thought, “Yuck! No! God no! She is basically my sister!”

“I told ya.”

“You didn’t tell me shit.”

“Don’t fucking cuss around kids,” Yin hissed out.

“Well you should shut your damn trap!” Jin snarled back.

“Least threatening villains ever,” MK muttered to himself, “Wait? Did you seriously try to invoke the childhood friends trope? Like in romance novels?”

“Yeah!” Jin proudly stated.

“You read romance books?”

“You don’t? They are the best kinds of books with all the drama that surrounds them, the clashing of emotions, the tightly packed metaphors that can be placed in one paragraph to describe someone’s eyes. It's simply awesome! Have you read them?”

“Not really,” he admitted.

“I can give you some recommendations! Then we can-”

“Nope,” Yin drew his brother back, “we are not about to have a repeat of last time. Remember how you burned down the bookstore?”

“They deserve it for saying Ballad of the Desert was overrated,” he growled out.

“True, but we were supposed to be on the down low after nicking off with some bastard goods, I did not like having to run around with the gang on our asses, so we are leaving,” he deadpanned.

“Fineee!” He groaned out as the two suddenly stood upright and raised their hands. “We will meet again one day, Monkie Kid!” Then they threw down what was in their hands and a plume of smoke appeared in their spots.

“Bleh,” he waved the air around him as he heard a laugh and turned around to see them in the street.

“Hahaha! We’re the greatest tricksters!” Gin said with his arms crossed once more.

“Ever! Also please don’t tell Macaque about us trying to capture you! Thank you, bye!” Yin finished as the two disappeared in a flash of smoke for the final time.

MK could only stare at the empty space in pure shock as he tried to process just what happened.

“…I’m just gonna go back to the shop,” he gave up as he begrudgingly walked back to his car.

[your-world-with-nct]

𝐭𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝 — 𝐳𝐜𝐥

➵ pairing: chenle x gender-neutral reader

➵ genre: angst, fluff, crack, one-shot

➵ warnings: cursing, negative mentions of body image 

➵ word count: 2.5k

➵ summary: there was no other way to describe your relationship with zhong chenle than “twisted”. you were in love with him but all you could ever show him was anger and disgust, and it seemed to be the same case for him too. but when his words come out more twisted than they’ve ever been, you begin to question, could you ever untangle the mess you two were in?

➵ a/n: happy (late) birthday lele !! this was meant to be a short drabble requested by @yangerscheeks​ but i ended up falling in love with the plot idea and turning it into a one-shot for you guys hehe enjoy

game nights with the dreamies were the sole thing you looked forward to after a long week of work; it was the only thing keeping you going. chaos-filled evenings packed with competition, laughter, betrayal, teamwork, snacks, victories and losses, with your favourite seven boys - yes, the dreamies insisted on inviting your older brother, mark, to join you all every saturday night, when he wasn’t too busy - was the ideal way to spend time with your best friends and de-stress from the past week’s workload. from classic board games and party games, to the newest video games, you always enjoyed messing around with them and playing whatever the game of choice was that week. you loved everything about game night - except something, or rather... someone. 

chenle was the only member of nct dream that never seemed to click with you, even from your first meeting 3 years ago; he either completely ignored you and acted cold around you, or irritated you every waking second of the day, teasing you in ways that crossed the line, and sometimes just blatantly insulted you (not that you didn’t respond in a similar manner to him though). you hated it, and you hated him.

you despised his illuminating smile, and his perfect facial features; you loathed his contagious, cute giggles; you disliked how talented he was and how angelic his vocals were; you detested his enticing nature on stage; you were disgusted by his family-oriented attitude and his close-knit relationship with his fellow hyungs; and you absolutely hated how he made your heart pound out of your chest whenever he was around you. you hated that you loved chenle.

tonight’s game was twister, and, unfortunately, mark couldn’t join you since he was abroad promoting with SuperM, which also meant that game night was a frenzy without a somewhat sane adult watching over you all.

“left foot green, ha! there’s no space left between haechan hyung and jaemin hyung, y’all are gonna fall soon,” jisung cackled from the couch, being assigned as the spinner for this round as he lost the last one.

the remaining players, including you, shifted to claim a green spot, whilst trying not to laugh at jaemin’s behind planted right in front of haechan’s face, “personal space won’t hold me back from winning, bitch!” 

without a doubt, the room erupted into laughter, causing haechan’s stomach to tense up so much that he toppled over, “AHA! HYUNG YOU’RE OUT, YOU LOOOOSE!” jisung yelled from his comfortable spot, not feeling as embarrassed about not snatching a win the previous round, as his spluttering hyung stumbled onto the sofa with him, small wheezes of “minnie why” in between each of his heaving howls.

the euphoric feeling that surrounded the seven of you during moments like this was something you treasured, and you couldn’t hold back a chuckle yourself, grinning at the sore loser gripping his abdomen and cursing out jaemin for getting him out of the game.

“don’t worry, there’ll be another round, hyung. okay, now right hand red,” jisung announced, watching as you all struggled to get to the opposite side of the mat.

assessing the situation, you realised that the only way you could put your hand on a red spot was by extending your arm across chenle’s leg, and reaching over it. it was a risky move as you would be dangerously close to him, but, as much as you wanted him to fall, you knew that boy was extremely ticklish and would jerk his entire leg, which would probably end up with you joining him in being eliminated from that round. however, you took the chance anyway, hovering your arm over chenle and ensuring that you made no contact with him whatsoever.

you thought you could last until jisung called out the next one, until you felt jeno move his elbow underneath your gut, causing all the breath in your chest to flow out of you, and your whole body to fall to the floor, bringing chenle down with you too.

strained huffs left your mouth as jeno, jaemin, and renjun shouted in triumph having taken out two players at once. despite their loud whoops, you couldn’t ignore the annoyed grunts coming from next to you, and the snarky comment that came after it.

“my god, y/n, you’re so heavy, you knocked the wind out of me, and i think you broke my rib too while you were at it,” chenle mumbled out of exasperation, loud enough for you and the rest of the dreamies to hear it too.

usually, his remarks wouldn’t bother you at all, you’d brush them off, or make a casual retort, but, this time he had dug at a deep insecurity of yours, your self-image and your body. “aww, no, i’m out!” you announced, faking disappointment, and dragging yourself up from the carpet, “i’m just, i’m just gonna go, uhhh, go get a, ummm… a drink. yeah, i’ll be back in a sec, guys.”

you tried not to let the emotion show through your voice, but these boys knew you too well, they could already see by the forlorn look on you face just how hurt you were by what chenle said. turning towards the bathroom, you knew that there was nowhere else you could hide to let your new set of tears flow.

“wait, y/n, that’s not the kitchen-” was the last thing you heard from renjun, before you slammed the door behind you, sliding down against it and breaking down in your arms, as the spiteful words your own crush had said to you reverberated in your damaged thoughts.

“chenle, why... why would you say that to them? you know how sensitive y/n can be, you dumbass,” renjun let out an exasperated sigh at the younger boy, who was currently curled up on the floor, his face buried in his knees as he internally kicked himself for saying such a malicious thing to you. 

running his hands through his chestnut locks, remorse evident in the action, chenle groaned as the other members contributed to renjun’s statement, which simply added to his already immense amount of guilt, “okay, okay! i get it. alright? you guys can shut the fuck up now, i know what i did. you don’t have to make it worse than it already is.”

chenle’s harsh tone shocked his hyungs, and so did the way he stormed out of the room, running off in the direction you went in before. meanwhile, even the said boy was surprised by what he said. what was wrong with him today? why was he acting like this? the only thing he could think of that was affecting him this much was you. you and your melodic laugh, your cute remarks, your enchanting presence - he was so caught up in admiring you that he could barely control himself. 

‘no, chenle, that’s a stupid excuse,’ he mumbled to himself, as he came to a halt when he reached the door to the bathroom you were in, which he deducted from the choked sobs he could hear coming from the other side. the pain-stricken cries were a heart-wrenching sound to chenle, and, at that moment, he wanted nothing more than to hold you in his arms and tell you how much he treasured you.

but, he couldn’t, because he was your enemy, because he made himself your enemy, because you would never love someone you hated. it was times like these that made chenle despise himself for freezing up around you and being selfish, for turning his irrepressible feelings for you into ignorance and hatred, for disregarding how he felt because it was too much for him.

chenle couldn’t keep doing this to you, and to himself; it was torture just watching the sparkle in your eyes dim every time he opened his mouth to say something to you, to hurt someone so precious to him. maybe, it was time to let you know how he really, truly felt about you, just, maybe, his words wouldn’t come out so twisted.

you didn’t know if it was your vivid imagination, but you swore you heard footsteps approaching, and you couldn’t stand knowing that one of the boys could hear you crying, with only a door to separate you. specifically if it was chenle, oh, you didn’t know what you would do if your crush, and nemesis, was outside, listening to you and your already low self-esteem crumble as you stared down at your shaking body, his cruel words resonating through your head. 

it’s not as if you were unaware that you didn’t have the perfect figure, but it wasn’t something you liked to be reminded of, especially not in such a hateful manner. the fact that chenle’s physique was so flattering made you feel like you weren’t worthy of him, why would someone like him be attracted to someone like you? 

hesitating slightly, chenle took a few moments to calm himself before his knuckles tapped against the bathroom door. you jumped at the distinctive rat-tat-tat sound, identifying the knocker as chenle; cursing under your breath, you swiped at your blotchy, tear-stained face with the sleeve of your sweater and tried to regulate your uneven breathing. with a few sniffles and a quick inspection of yourself in the mirror, you unlocked the door and stepped out into the hallway, the very person you dreaded to see stood right in front of you, his puffy eyes mirroring yours.

“y/n, i-i’m so so sorry, i just- i can’t even explain- i’m sorry,” chenle could barely speak, his words coming out in incoherent stutters. you had never seen him like this before, so vulnerable, so distressed, so genuine - it sparked something in you. you don’t know what made you do it, but you felt yourself enveloping the boy in your arms, letting yourself sob into his shoulder as you both held onto each other like your lives depended on it.

despite his confusion, chenle relaxed in your embrace, wrapping his arms around your waist and caressing you so gently as you both cried into one another. a strange, unfamiliar warmth crept into the two of you the longer you stayed entangled with each other, a blissful silence filling the air as you two rocked back and forth, trying to regain your composure so you could actually talk things out.

just as you were about to say something, you looked into chenle’s glossy eyes, which was enough for your mind to go absolutely feral with deprecating, doubtful thoughts. what if you had read the situation wrong? what if he was taking advantage of you? what if this was all just a stupid ploy, to mess with you? as you avoided eye contact with your crush, he cupped your chin in one hand, wiping the newest teardrops with his thumb, “shhh, don’t cry anymore, sweetheart, it makes me sad seeing you like this.”

those words confirmed the complete opposite of what you were thinking, and your jaw dropped as you finally connected with his chocolate brown orbs again, seeing pure concern and worry swirled into those beautiful eyes of his. “why, how come- why are you being like this, chenle? you’re never usually this nice,” you managed to say through a few snivels.

“because this is the first time that i haven’t been nervous enough to approach you and speak to you like a decent human being,” he pulled away from the hug slightly to look at you directly while he said this, to emphasise his sincerity.

“wait, nervous? what- why-”

“can i tell you something, y/n?” chenle asked, a subconscious pout forming on his lips as he waited for your answer so that he could continue. once you gave him a small nod, he intertwined his fingers in yours, clutching your entwined hands to his chest.

“i get so, so scared whenever you walk into the room, just seeing you makes my heart flutter at immeasurable speeds. when we first met, i just had no idea how to even talk to you, i was that lovestruck, that the first thing that came out of my mouth was an insult. and i guess that was my way of coping? with my feelings? mark hyung told me that i go all ‘panicked tsundere’ around you - and he’s not wrong.

“i like you, so much, that i can barely act normal around you. and i know that’s no excuse for what i said before, and for everything i’ve ever done to you, but i want you to know that you’re an incredible person and i’m so in awe of you that i literally can no longer function. 

“i’m sorry and i know that you won’t forgive me right now, but i was just scared that i-i would lose you. i don’t know, i thought that if you knew i liked you, i would’ve scared you away and you would never talk to me again. i guess that you hating me was better than you not being in my life at all.”

every moment you had ever spent with chenle made more sense now, how his entire expression would change whenever he saw you, but his façade would fade as soon as your back was turned - he wasn’t trying to push you away,

he was trying to keep you in his orbit, without pulling you too close to him. you had always thought that you just had a twisted relationship, but it turns out that you were both too scared to say anything to untangle the mess that was the two of you.

“oh, lele, you haven’t lost me,” your use of chenle’s nickname brought a fuschia tinge to his cheeks, which caused the corners of your mouth to curve upwards by the slightest bit, “you never would have lost me, because i was holding on to you too, by that singular thread of rivalry we had. if you haven’t figured out by now, i like you too, dumbass. and yes, while i am quite hurt by what you said to me earlier, i can’t just pretend that i haven’t treated you in the same shitty way. i forgive you, and i wanna start again with you, chenle. and this time, you won’t lose me, i’ve got you.”

closing the distance between you two, you pressed your lips against chenle’s own plump ones, revelling in the euphoria rushing through your body as you finally kissed the boy you had been in love with for three years. it wasn’t exactly a fairytale kiss, it was a mixture of salty tears, clashing teeth, and a desperate grip on one another - but you wouldn’t have had it any other way.

eventually, chenle disconnected his lips from yours, his forehead still leaning on yours and his mouth practically ghosting over your cheek as he refused to separate himself from you, “i’ve got you too, y/n, never doubt that. and, by the way, you’re not ‘heavy’ or ‘fat’, or anything like that. even if you were, i wouldn’t care, because you are the most beautiful person i’ve ever met. i-i think i love you.”

“i love you too, chenle,” you mumbled before crashing your lips against his again. at last, you had unravelled your twisted relationship with zhong chenle, and you were hoping to keep it that way.

[taexual]

HOLIC - 17 | jb x reader

pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader

genre: enemies to lovers au | roommate au

warnings: some angst

words: 3.7k

disclaimer: i do not own the gif, please let me know if it belongs to you, so i can give proper credit

               prev / next

In the middle of the exhausting workday – the sleepless night you’ve had before today must have contributed to your low emotional threshold a great deal, but, then again, Tuesdays were the first work day for the gallery so the workload wasn’t anything new – you were surprised by another text from Jiho. You hadn’t heard from him since you declined his offer to meet up for lunch today, but he texted you again just as you were fixing the frame of one of the paintings after a customer complained that it was uneven and, therefore, ruined the picture he’d been trying to take.

Calmly trying to explain that no pictures were allowed in the gallery ended up being a bad choice because you got scolded – as if it was you who hadn’t followed the gallery rules – so, needless to say, you weren’t in a particularly good mood when you finally read Jiho’s texts.

It was heart-warming that he mentioned wanting to see you but after all the drama at home with Jaebum and the amount of work you had to do here at the gallery, you really didn’t think you had the emotional capacity to remain polite and nice to Jiho. You could only take so much scolding before you had to scold someone yourself.

You ended up having to persevere, though, because you simply couldn’t come up with an excuse that would sound kind enough – given the fact that he was only in the city on Tuesdays – and wouldn’t make you seem like you were slowly starting to ghost him.

You liked Jiho. You just didn’t think you had enough time for him and he didn’t deserve to be neglected like this. No one did.

“Hey,” you said, putting on your customer service smile – the only one you were able to put on at the moment – when you saw Jiho standing at the far end of the gallery, near the staff exit. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” he smiled upon seeing you. “How are you? Is today really bad?”

“Ah, it always is,” you replied. “But don’t worry, I’ll pull through. Did you meet anyone about your exhibition yet?”

“No, that’s after lunch,” Jiho said, his eyes always glittering whenever the topic turned to his future photography exhibition at your gallery. He was very excited about it and this made your smile start to feel a little more natural. “I have a free hour until then, and I know you told me you’re busy, but I was hoping you’d find, at least, five free minutes to get something to eat with me?”

You glanced at the watch on your hand. “I guess I can spare you fifteen minutes.”

He chuckled, glad that you found the time although he knew he essentially left you no choice.

“That’s good,” he said. “Let’s get coffee too, then.”

You only had enough time to get coffee from the vending machine because the closest café was ten minutes away and, obviously, the coffee here tasted stale, but both you and Jiho were young artists, so you’ve tasted worse. The bagels, on the other hand, were amazing, but Jiho refused to reveal where he’d gotten them from.

“If you’re able to get them on your own,” he said, “I’ll never see you. You’ll be too busy for me.”

You chuckled sadly. “Sorry. There’s been a lot going on lately.”

“I don’t blame you,” Jiho said gently. “There’s actually this event I’ll be hosting soon, so I’ve been preparing for it. It’s the reason why I didn’t text you as much. I figured I’d rather tell you about it in person.”

“What event?”

“I wanted to organize a private screening of my photographs before the exhibition here,” he revealed. “And I found the perfect restaurant that was willing to rent the place for me this Friday night. I’d like you to come.”

You loved attending private shows – although you’ve only been to three your whole life and all three of the photographers were your friends from university who were only doing the shows because they needed the grade – so you didn’t hesitate before nodding.

“I’d love to come,” you said, genuinely excited. “Will it be here in the city?”

“Yeah,” Jiho nodded, looking more relieved now that you’d agreed to come. “I’ll text you the address.”

“Great,” you smiled. “Can I get a hint about the exhibition itself, though? Is there a theme?”

“Uh…” he thought about it for a moment while he toyed with the wrapper of his bagel. “Sort of. I’d like to keep it a secret for now, though. I will be using one of your pictures.”

You stopped chewing in confusion, but then continued quickly because you didn’t want to talk with your mouth full and you simply couldn’t not ask what he was talking about.

“What do you mean?” you questioned, unaware of the frown that had appeared on your face. “What picture?”

“The one I took of you on the night we met,” he explained and your mind returned to the walk by the riverside after you’d met Jiho at Mark’s bar. He’d taken a few pictures of you but you figured he only did it as a joke. He was supposed to already be done with the preparations for his exhibition at that time.  “Don’t look so alarmed, you look wonderful in it. It’s definitely one of my best ones.”

“Oh,” you looked down, feeling a slight blush creep up on your cheeks although you weren’t sure if you should have felt honored or slightly angered that he was going to use your picture without your consent. “Well, um, thank you for letting me be your model, I guess.”

Jiho laughed at this, presumably taking your awkwardness for shyness. “Thank you for modeling for me. You’re a natural.”

“Hmm,” you mumbled and finished your bagel in a few quick bites, hoping to come up with a way to change the topic to something else – preferably something that made you less conflicted and did not make you debate whether you should have yelled at the first professional photographer who had used you as a model. “Will you be staying in the city until the end of the week, then?”

“No,” he answered, sighing. “Unfortunately, I have some business to take care of back home. One of my friends owns a gallery there and he’s been looking for someone to help him run the business.”

“Really?” you were surprised to hear this. You haven’t seen Jiho in less than a week and he already had so many new things going on – honestly, you had to try very hard not to feel jealous of all of these opportunities he was getting. “I never pegged you for someone who’d like the paperwork. You’re an artist through and through.”

Jiho smiled appreciatively. “Thank you. But I wouldn’t be dealing with paperwork. I’d be the lead juror in a team of three people who, basically, get to decide which works to exhibit at the gallery, to put it simply. I think it’ll be fun. This way I’d be playing on the other side of the field and maybe that will teach me a thing or two.”

This made sense, you had to admit. It even made you momentarily consider changing your career as well – you didn’t even dare to apply to galleries to have an exhibition of your own – because judging other photographers somehow sounded much easier than being judged yourself.

“Anyway, it’s still a job that’s related to photography. Maybe I’ll find inspiration there,” he continued. “And I’ll get to help out some up-and-coming artists, so that’s also... cool.”

Suddenly, Jiho reminded you Jaebum – who was also helping young artists get their big break – and you were surprised to feel your smile widen despite the many confusing emotions you’d experienced when he had revealed the truth about his exhibition.

“That’s really nice,” you said, a newfound affection blooming inside of your heart all of a sudden. You just weren’t sure whom it was for. “Young artists need more people like you.”

“Yeah,” Jiho said and then – probably because he wasn’t good at taking praise – changed the topic. “So, I’ll see you on Friday, right? It’d mean a lot to me if you came.”

“Yeah,” you said, sounding even more assured than before and seemingly forgetting the misunderstanding of your picture being exhibited at his show. It didn’t seem like that big of a deal when compared to all the other problems you had to deal with. “I wouldn’t miss it.”

Jiho left for his meeting shortly after your lunch – if a bagel could count as lunch – but not before you and him shared a quick hug. It wasn’t the first time you’ve hugged but this time it felt slightly more romantic. When you hugged after he’d walked you home that first time, it barely lasted a second. This hug was more comfortable and it gave you hopes that perhaps Jiho didn’t mind waiting for you while you attempted to deal with your seemingly useless job and your utterly exhausting relationship with your roommate – not that Jiho knew of Jaebum.

All things considered, you felt better than you usually did when you got home. Perhaps it was thanks to Jiho -- although he brought more confusion than joy into your life today, --  or perhaps it was because no other customer yelled at you after you got back to work. You weren’t going to question your mood because this was one of the first Tuesdays you didn’t feel like murdering anyone.

But then you got home and you could almost physically feel the unresolved tension between you and Jaebum.

He was home, you could tell from the faint sound of music coming from his room. Not wanting to disturb him, you moved through the hallway quietly, only daring to exhale when you were in your bedroom. You didn’t want to ruin your semi-decent mood by seeing Jaebum’s disappointed eyes again, or worse, by getting into a fight with him.

After changing into sweats, you gathered enough courage to go back out there and get yourself some food. As soon as you closed the door of your bedroom and turned around to head for the kitchen, however, you realized that tiptoeing wasn’t going to be necessary because Jaebum was already leaning against the fridge, watching you.

“Hi,” he said once your eyes landed on his. You weren’t able to read his mood.

“Hey,” you replied carefully. “Any food in the fridge?”

“Yeah, lots,” he said. “None of it is pre-cooked like I assume you’d like, though.”

“It’s fine,” you said, sitting down on the stool by the kitchen island. Talking to him about something so casual after the dismissal he’d given you last night made you feel uneasy. “I’ll just make myself a sandwich or something. Not in the mood to make anything fancy.”

“Yeah,” he nodded and then, not wasting any time, proceeded to send your heart into a frenzy, “uh—we should talk, I guess, right?”

You inhaled sharply – an automatic reaction already. When Jiho wanted to talk to you, it was because he wanted to invite you to his private photography show. You had a feeling Jaebum wasn’t going to invite you anywhere, given the circumstances, and you were about to get yelled at to make up for the lack of scolding you experienced at the gallery today. And, although you’d wanted him to open up and let you in on what he was feeling, now you weren’t so sure if you were prepared for all that he had to say.

“I guess so, yeah,” you said, knowing that there was no way out of this. Although, you could have always sprinted out of the kitchen and locked yourself in your bedroom if things got too hard to handle.

“Sorry I bailed on you last night,” Jaebum said, putting the plastic water bottle he’d been holding on the island between the two of you.

“It’s alright,” you said, swallowing. He really shouldn’t have been the one apologizing here. “I understand where you’re coming from.”

Jaebum nodded and then, finally, started to speak.

“I had some time to think about this since I couldn’t sleep the whole night—” he said. It was funny because you haven’t slept either. “—and I guess, I decided that I really shouldn’t feel angry about any of this.”

You would have felt relieved – in fact, the first glimpses of the blissful escape from a huge argument were already lingering nearby – but you had heard him say he was disappointed last night, so you didn’t want to get too ahead of yourself and waited for him to continue instead.

“You actually solved my problem for me,” he explained. “Suji called and she said we shouldn’t see each other anymore, whatever that means coming from her. I know I’ve never heard her say this to anyone before so I’m not sure how you managed, and I also don’t know how much truth there is to her words. She’s usually serious about things she says but... I’ve never heard her say something like this. Maybe she’s never been confronted by anyone in her life before, I don’t know.”

You swallowed slowly. “I was worried she’d send an army after me.”

“She—no,” Jaebum laughed in surprise. “I mean, yeah, I wouldn’t put it past her, but, although I don’t know what she’s feeling, I don’t think she’ll be trying to kill you or do anything you’re obviously thinking she’ll do. She claimed she’s going to delete my number, actually, which was, once again, a statement I never thought I’d hear her make. Now, I don’t know, maybe she’ll change her mind tomorrow or a week from now and then show up on my doorstep again, but maybe…things are changing.”

“You really think so?” you raised your eyebrows. You’d been curious what was it that Suji had said to him but you didn’t think you were expecting to hear this. Your heart kept banging against your ribcage as you listened to Jaebum speak and you couldn’t find the right words to congratulate him because you weren’t sure what was appropriate anymore. “That’s—good for you.”

“Yeah,” Jaebum said, only glancing at you to give you an agreeing nod, but then looking away again. “On the other hand, though… I am disappointed because you did this behind my back. More specifically, after I asked you not to.”

Your stomach sunk as you lowered your eyes. The excitement that his previous confession had created in your chest had dulled immediately. You wanted him to talk to you instead of shutting you out and now that he finally got himself together to actually tell you what was on his mind, you had miscalculated just how guilty you would feel.

“I-I don’t have a good explanation for that,” you admitted. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t like the way you were choosing to handle this and I… went ahead and did everything my way. I really wasn’t going to do this, though. I meant it when I told you I wouldn’t meet up with her to talk about you. But I guess that doesn’t mean much now.”

“I think that’s what disappointed me the most,” he told you and your eyes finally met when you both dared to move your shy gazes away from the kitchen island between you and look at each other instead. “You immediately assumed my way of dealing with this was wrong while yours was right. And while in this case that might be true, I still didn’t ask for your help, you know what I mean? And even if you weren’t going to do this initially, deep inside you still wanted to do it and, obviously, nothing I said could have changed that. You did help me—thank you—but—”

“I’m not asking you to thank me,” you cut him off and then realized you didn’t really have much else to say. “Sorry. Continue, please. I just—I want you to know that I feel bad about this. Suji was… a lot more than I could handle. I had replied to her texts – and I take full responsibility for it, I really shouldn’t have done that – but I only met up with her in hopes of getting her off my back. But then she started to talk about your relationship as if it was the best, most perfect thing in the world, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t listen to her delusional words because I could almost see her hitting you when you told her something she didn’t like. I could hear her ordering you around and taking control of your life. I had to say something and I did. I said a whole lot. I’m sorry.”

Jaebum didn’t know if he was breathing while you talked. He was only aware of the look in your eyes once the final words left your lips and the mixed feelings he’d been experiencing since last night only seemed to make him even more confused.

He’d asked you not to do this and you weren’t going to, but eventually, you ended up not being able to resist it – and not because of selfish reasons, but on the contrary; you were, for the lack of a better expression, forced to defend his honor. The bitterness of you going against his will was still there, but so was gratitude, admiration and understanding, and so was something else. But Jaebum didn’t want to focus on the swelling of his heart right now.

He didn’t know if he would have done the same if your roles had been reversed – he probably wouldn’t have, but not because he didn’t want to help you, but rather because, while he seemed to argue with you every chance he got, he wasn’t exactly fantastic at explaining his own emotions, so he knew he’d do even worse if he had to explain yours – but he could see your reasons.

While the two of you had your similarities – a lot of them, too – you also had your differences, which, in this case, seemed to compliment each other in the most messed up way possible. It was as if it was obvious that these two puzzle pieces – his inability to confront his problems and your ability to do just that – were meant to fit together in order to create a beautiful picture, and yet it took immense strength and determination to squeeze those pieces together.

So, although the disappointment was still there – the emotion was too fresh to go away – Jaebum felt some of the tension he’d been feeling disappear in a relieving and uplifting way.

“Uh…” he started to say, lost and distracted from his initial train of thought. “I get that. You didn’t do it to spite me. I-I just don’t want you to always do everything your way. I’ve had people make decisions for me my whole life and I just want someone to listen to what I say for once. And I mean really listen—not... just consider what I say before disregarding all of it and then doing everything the way they seem fit.”

“I’m sorry,” you said again, saddened by the carefully hidden vulnerability in his voice. It shone through his eyes when he looked at you. “I overestimated myself and I didn’t hear you. This wasn’t my problem to deal with—I’m sorry. But I will listen to you. I promise I won’t meddle with your problems again and if I do end up doing it anyway, whether accidentally or not, I’ll listen to what you tell me. Seriously listen this time.”

You didn’t know why you made the—clumsy—promise – under different circumstances, you’d have felt almost ashamed to say these words as, in a way, they seemed to condescend you in his eyes and, despite everything, you still had quite a bit of pride left in you – but when the anxiety seemed to fade from Jaebum’s face and he allowed himself to smile a little, you were sure you would have promised a hundred more things just to see his features relax even more.

“Thank you,” he said, choosing to give you the benefit of the doubt, despite still feeling glints of fear in his stomach. Jaebum didn’t just not want something like this to happen again. He was terrified of it. But while giving second chances wasn’t something that was new to him, he didn’t exactly feel as though his forgiveness was a second chance for you because he didn’t think you’d lost the first one.

While this fight might have been the most serious fight you’ve had so far and it even made Jaebum consider staying away from the apartment for a while so he wouldn’t have to talk to you, not one of the many emotions that he’d felt was severe enough to make him consider moving out and risk never seeing you again. Truth be told, he couldn’t figure out why he was suddenly so attached to you but he had far too many thoughts in his head to worry about that.

“So, we’re good?” you asked after a moment, your voice far too hopeful for your liking.

Jaebum blinked, distancing himself from his thoughts and returning to you.

“Well, as good as you and I can get, knowing our tendency to, uh, fight about everything,” he said, grinning.

You chuckled, unexplainably glad to hear the lightness of his voice. “That’s true.”

“I’m—not sure what the next move here is,” he said, staring at you awkwardly for a second or two. “Do we… hug it out?”

Not thinking much of it, you stood up from the stool and walked around the kitchen island.

“Sure,” you said. “Let’s consolidate this so hopefully, we won’t have to fight about the same thing again.”

“What an optimistic thing to say,” Jaebum commented skeptically and you laughed again. It felt so nice to laugh in his presence after you thought you’d never get to do that.

You noticed him smile at the sound of your laughter before he wrapped his arms around your waist in a soft hug. It wasn’t really supposed to be meaningful – or you were sure Jaebum would have run away from it – but, rather, a playful way to end an argument that could have had serious consequences, and yet, as soon as you hugged him back, not failing to notice how soft his hoodie was or how nice he smelled, you found your breath hitching.

You had thought your hugs with Jiho had improved and yet, that hug with him felt like an awkward embrace with a family member you’ve never met before in comparison to your hug with Jaebum. You’d hugged Jiho because you had to and the only thing it symbolized was that you were more than acquaintances. You and Jaebum had hugged because of so many other reasons: because you didn’t know how else to voice the things you wanted to say to each other, because, in a way, the hug was inevitable, because you’d been craving this simple form of affection after so many hours of fighting, and, most importantly, because you didn’t want to lose each other.

It was like all the butterflies in your stomach have been in hibernation but Jaebum’s close proximity woke them all up and now they were flapping their wings wildly all around your body. You were starting to fear Jaebum wouldn’t just feel the rapid beating of your heart against his chest but also manage to read through all the other emotions that his embrace had caused you to feel.

You weren’t sure what you thought of any of them.

     chapter directory

[anishananigan]

Brain: Lost and then Found

59 D. The transcript said, and I shrugged it saying university is always difficult, the same person who would be upset over 89 in high school. A lot of things had changed over the period of 3 months. My friends, lifestyle, attitude, myself. But I felt it was just me growing up. I am still unclear on if it was the claws of a dreadful sickness slowly getting hold of me as I was being oblivious to any change. One night, mid semester of winter 2014, my second year, it was very a cold night I remember because I had two comforters on and I remember thinking “I am an international student what am I going to finish school? Will be able to? What if my Visa expires? What if I fail al the other courses and how do I apply to Ph.D.? how to I register for next years courses” . And I started cursing myself for how I did not think of all this before and by the time I realized how all these thoughts had no premise and had not connection and were easily answerable, it was morning. I had to rush to school. My friend use to pick me on the way I thought of telling him about it but somewhere I still knew I was being irrational, hence decided to figure it out myself. This I believe was the first red flag, keeping quiet, not sharing, not that I am an expert in the field but from personal experience. Once in school walking up the stairs it felt strange. It felt as if the ground was slipping from under my my feet. As if I couldn’t balance myself anymore as if it’s all uneven and not a flat surface anymore. And trying to maneuver the ups and downs I almost tripped 3 times. This felt weird but I though I might be too tired or sleepy as I was up all night. Class was no different hadn’t been for few weeks now. The professors seemed to go faster than usual. I had a hard time recollecting whatever happened in class and the workload just was too much. I would tend to get obsesses so much with one though never got a chance to go to the other. It was the St. Patrick’s day when I first acknowledged I might have a problem. For quite some time the unbalanced feeling was becoming a part of my life however once back from class about to go out with friends for a party I was changing and realized my legs shaking. Uncontrollably. Just shaking involuntarily. I freaked out and for some reason was in denial of this particular event. I disagreed to the fact that this was happening. I convince myself that I am being ridiculous. I went to the party sat there with my group of friends and heard them discuss a lot of things however nothing they said seemed relevant to me or I did not understand why were they talking about what they were talking about. My best friend was discussing about how her boyfriend and her are going through a rough patch (which is very common among girls) and all I could think was “what do I have to do with this? Why is she telling me this? Never mind just keep nodding.” Slowly things started getting worse from professors seeming fast it had now become completely impossible to comprehend anything that the professor was saying and sitting in the class all I could think of was “what have I learned in all these years. I know nothing. My life is useless”, and would get completely obsessed with this idea so much so that I stopped going to school altogether. Once my friends noticed this they wanted to talk to me about it, as they knew it wasn’t like me to miss school and shut off everybody. On more in depth discussion they decided to take me to the hospital and figure out what wrong. I was diagnosed with severe dehydration when I thought “wait, I haven’t been drinking enough water. That must be it.” On coming back home in the car as I was saying rather rambling on stuff that would seem completely illogical to a person I saw my friend tearing up. He started getting emotional and said, “this is not you. I have never seen you like this. It cannot be just dehydration”. He held my hand, “just trust me”. We went to another hospital as we felt like the previous one wasn’t a satisfactory answer where the after 4 vials of blood and 6 blood pressure measurements later I was given a neurologist reference with a presumption that I might be predisposed to having a stroke at 19 years of age. This was based on the idea of me being cognitively troubled and having trouble walking. Again the drive back was painful. Not getting any answers was worse. Being a science student I was desperate for reason for cause for result for a diagnosis. “The doctor is not in today he is on a vacation” the nurse said as my fried clenched his teeth in anger. “why is this happening to her?”. Is it even logical to get a referral for a doctor that isn’t even in town.” All this while I was thinking “Am I going crazy? I am slipping away? I will never be fixed? Is it because I am a bad person?” Maybe if I don’t sit with my legs crossed I won’t be punished?”, and these thoughts seemed completely acceptable to me. I was taken in by the doctors assistant “ push your hand against mine as hard as you can.” She said pressing the hand against mine. She came close to my eye with a device that had a little in it. “look up, right, down, left.”

“I have sleeplessness.” I said my first word that day and felt as if I conquered the world, only to realize how low my confidence was now. The assistant did not bother about that remark and looked at my friend, “”She is stressed maybe has some anxiety”. Then looking at the phone she said let me make some calls, “in a low voice she murmured something. “we have a bed for her and will be scheduling an MRI soon.” Next day I was supposed to sit in an exam I screamed and lost all control and started getting all jittery and was shaking yelling at my friend why? You want me to to fail You are pushing me for an MRI in the same day as my exam. What am I going to do? I am losing everything I had.” I see my friend trying to calm me down, the nurse rushing in and then I went to sleep. That was it, for that day. MRIs happened of brain and spine. More vials of blood, more IV more needles still no results. It was frustrating it was testing my patience or whatever I had left of me. MY friends describe my eyes so blank, lips dried and blood oozing out of the cuts, cheeks sunken in until they looked discolored and a smile that was so scary as it was so empty. I was moved from one facility to the other and in that I lost all hope. I decided it was over. There was no answer to my desperation for a diagnosis but by now it the disease had engulfed me such that that I didn’t even know I wanted a diagnosis. I didn’t know how feeling something was. No pain, physical or mental, no expectations except waiting for the lady who came every morning at 6:30 am (as the clock on the wall was the only think I could see) “Morning, stretch your hand. Have you been to the washroom yet?” . “No” the word struggles to come out of my mouth. My friend wakes up “morning, how did you sleep?”. Sleep. Hmm. Wondering when I actually slept last time. All I remembered was my blood being taken and at night a small cup of water with 5 different pills as I force it down my throat and then lay until the next vial of blood is taken from me. I was kept on a stretcher out in the corridor as there was no bed in his facility. According to my friends there were multiple tests done on me but all I remember I seeing a dark empty room with a small red light and I was trying to hold something. A distant voice yelling “if you don’t sit straight we cannot do the test. Please keep you hand still.” It was very faded I couldn’t really understand why was she yelling. Why was I there where was I what is happening? “you’re going to get better, relax don’t move. Let them help you Anisha”.

They are trying to inject something in me. They are plugging something on my head. Are they shaving my head? They are trying to erase all my memories. I am a lab rat. All my friends are with them. I see that man on the computer he is rewriting my life. He is taking away everything from me. He is feeding someone else’s life in me. They are killing me and I start yelling. Why is my friend dancing in the air? What is that group of people beside the waterfall discussing are they conspiring against me? “Maaaa. Mom! I want her! Please my mother. My voice sounds as if I my lungs will burst out. I couldn’t have screamed louder. I push away my friend who was trying to read some religious verses around me and I pull out the plugs off my hair. Banging the table beside me and kicking my legs in the air I roar “MAAA! Where are you! Save me lease I beg you maaaa! Come to me ! MAA, MAA. I was being pushed on the stretcher back to the corridor. I kept yelling and throwing my hands and legs in the air. I remember them giving me some tablet under my tongue and next thing I know I was in a room. Same friend of mine was flirting with a guy whose brother was in the same room admitted for some mental illness. They were talking as I lay there staring at the lights outside it seemed like it was late night. “why she not sleeping” “Am I sleeping?” Suddenly I see this big white monster with red eyes trying to attack me and my friend assisting it in all possible way she could. I screamed and pulled out my IV and punched my friend and started squirming and had this pain all over my body as if something is torturing last thing I remember of that night is 6 very dark soul like thing grabbing me and holding me down and taking me somewhere I didn’t want to go. I wake up apparently I was sedated for 8 hours and it took 6 nurses to achieve that feat. All this seems irrational but it was real very real and it was happening to me and nobody else. Anybody and everybody after that day could tell I was not me anymore. Nothing in me was the same. I was now completely on IV couldn’t eat or walk. Stopped talking comprehending basic information was a rigorous exercise and finally the last straw was when was in my diapers at loss of all control of my body. I thought to myself “Am I even Alive?’

Luckily the doctors and my friends didn’t think like that. After 2 months of various tests and blood work and spinal tap finally there it was on 30th April my friends came running telling “They have a diagnosis, they have a plan. You’re going to be okay. It is called Anti-NMDA receptor encephalitis”. All I had to say was “hmm”. That’s how it worked because I couldn’t even remember 4 words for 20 seconds anymore. I wasn’t there coherently so I couldn’t understand. To me I was done forever. But then 2 months of psychosis, paranoia, hallucinations cognitive problems and 7 months of IVIG and Methyl prednisone plus another relapse next year with 5 cycles of plasmapheresis, lots of love and support from family and extremely gifted doctors later here I am a B.Sc. graduate in biotechnology with lovely friends to count on. The ghost of NMDA relapse scares me but the possibilities of future keep me going on.

[flauntpage]

By the Skin of Their Teeth: Thoughts After Flyers 4, Rangers 3

Excuse the Flyers if they weren’t too celebratory about their win over the New York Rangers last night.

Yes, it was a big win. Yes, it was probably the win that in a couple weeks we will look back on and say was the one that ultimately secured them a playoff berth.

With another mini-stretch of tough games on the horizon, and the teams behind them making up most of their games in hand in the next week, it was a win of absolute necessity.

But it wasn’t pretty.

It took a strong effort from goalie Alex Lyon to keep them from losing a second straight game to a non-playoff team. It took some more next-level speed and agility from their budding star winger Travis Konecny to spark the offense – despite the fact that he was curiously missing from the ice for most of the third period. It took another three-point night from the captain, Claude Giroux, who might well be the most important player to his team in the entire NHL this season.

Beyond that, though, you pretty much held your nose to avoid the odor and also to hold your breath that an unwanted, in-game collapse wouldn’t take place.

OK, Ok… the second line was decent on the whole – Jake Voracek scored a goal on a great individual effort and Oskar Lindblom did register his second NHL goal cleaning up the rebound of a good shot by Nolan Patrick, but really, on the whole, the Flyers were out-skated by the Rangers. They were out out-worked by the Rangers. And the Rangers have nothing to play for while the Flyers definitely do.

It’s hard to be critical after a win. The Flyers did what they had to do and earned two very big points in the standings. They gave themselves a comfortable cushion again, and reduce their magic number over New Jersey to 13 points (either earned by the Flyers or lost by the Devils) and 14 points over Florida.

That may seem like a lot, with seven games to go, but it could be reduced to nine and 12 respectively by the time the Flyers take the ice again in Pittsburgh on Sunday – and they only need to finish ahead of one of those teams to make the playoffs.

Not only that, the Flyers have again climbed within a point of second place Pittsburgh and could well head north in the standings if they can get their act together.

It’s as if they’re fighting a war on two fronts. They are simultaneously in a battle with Pittsburgh and Columbus for second place in the Metropolitan Division as they are with New Jersey and Florida for the two Eastern Conference Wild Card spots, with one team going to end up on the outside looking in (my forecast has New Jersey missing the playoffs at this point).

And yet, despite all of this, the focus after the game wasn’t really on the positive (except for Lyon, who continues to be a solid relief pitcher of sorts for the Flyers, playing his best games when he has to put out fires).

No, instead, everyone talked about how uneven the team played. How there are still too many mistakes happening. How they still need to play better.

And, of course, there was always the questioning of the coach’s rationale for the in-game decisions he makes – although this time he gave a very direct and fair answer to questions about his in-game choices – even if I still don’t agree with it.

It’s a lot to tackle, so let’s do it one at a time.

1. Lyon-hearted

Let’s get this out of the way right off the bat – Alex Lyon is not ready to be a go-to goalie. He’s not a guy who you can honestly expect to be able to carry you in a seven-game series. He has weaknesses that teams will exploit playing against him consistently every night.

But, he is still young. He will get better. And right now, he wins on guile, competitiveness, and a drive to never quit on a play.

It’s more than the other guy was giving you and sometimes, that’s enough.

Lyon was given the Ric Flair robe by his teammates as the star of the game. He made 33 saves. Some were easily of the 10-bell variety.

Like this:

A diving, shoulder save and a pad save by Lyon keeps the Flyers up! pic.twitter.com/4vSJ6S0DzO

— Sons of Penn (@SonsofPenn) March 23, 2018

Again, I don’t think Lyon is ready for a heavy workload – or to be a guy you can count on against Pittsburgh, or Washington, or Tampa, or Toronto – gifted offensive teams very well could feast off him.

It’s why with the exception of his start in Boston (which he played well, but the Flyers lost agonizingly in regulation) Lyon is starting against fringe or non-playoff teams – New Jersey, Montreal, Carolina, and the Rangers last night.

Lyon, who is a downright pleasure to talk to and gives you an honest assessment to everything you ask without much in the way of the trained cliche answers these players are instructed to give the media, even admitted to some of his shortcomings last night – in a game he won and was voted player of the game by his teammates.

“If I’m being totally honest, I don’t feel really good about that save (in the video above),” he said. “I’d like to make it a little more cleanly. I was already down and I just had a clear vision of the puck and got my shoulder on it. I felt like there were other saves that I was much happier with, just because you always want to make the save the right way.

“That was one of those games where it didn’t feel like I was quite as crisp as I wanted to be. I was still seeing it well, some days you just have to adjust and keep the puck out of the net.”

He’s posted a solid 2.49 goals against average so far and a .914 save percentage and is 4-2-1 in 10 appearances.

And while he may not be a go-to guy, Lyon is at least proving he’ll give you all he’s got and as a result, he won’t embarrass you if you put him in there.

It’s the best the Flyers could hope for right now.

2. Claude for Hart

I’ve mentioned this before and I’ll mention it again and I’ll keep mentioning it until it doesn’t happen (which it probably won’t), but Claude Giroux should be a Hart Trophy finalist this season.

It’s a plausible argument that he has been more valuable to the Flyers this season than any other player in the league has been to their team.

He added three more assists last night and now has 90 points for just the second time in his career. He needs four more points to set a career high. He has an outside shot at becoming the Flyers’ first 100-point scorer in a generation.

He currently ranks fifth in the NHL in points and first in assists.

And if you look around him among scoring leaders, no one – I repeat NO ONE – has a greater impact on his team’s success.

Among the Top 10 scorers in the league:

Take Nikita Kucherov off Tampa Bay – and it would hurt, but they’re still a pretty darn good team. Plus, Tampa has Steven Stamkos – who is probably more valuable than Kucherov (and also among the top 10 scorers. Tampa missed the playoffs last season, missing Stamkos for a huge chunk of the season. But these two are a tandem and neither individually carries as much weight as Giroux does for the Flyers).

Nathan McKinnon is having a phenomenal year for Colorado, and should be in the conversation with Giroux. However, if the Avs miss the playoffs (they are in a Wild Card spot right now with a three-point cushion over St. Louis, but the Blues have a game in hand) it’s tough to consider him for MVP.

It’s for that reason that Connor McDavid, who is having another outstanding season for Edmonton, and South Jersey’s Johnny Gaudreau, who is having his best season in Calgary, aren’t real contenders for the Hart this season despite being among the league’s best scorers.

Anze Kopitar is in the same boat as McKinnon. He is carrying the Kings right now. But if LA misses the playoffs (they’re only one point better than Colorado) he has to come out of the conversation too. But if the Kings do make the playoffs, I’d put Kopitar in the mix with Giroux and McKinnon for sure. The Kings wouldn’t be sniffing the playoffs without him. However, he’s likely your Selke Trophy front-runner (I believe the three finalists will be Kopitar, Patrice Bergeron in Boston and Sean Couturier), which will keep him out of the Hart conversation.

That leaves Evgeni Malkin and Phil Kessel in Pittsburgh. Both are in the top 10, but like the Kucherov/Stamkos situation, the Penguins would still be a good team even without one of them (Not to mention a guy named Sidney Crosby lurks just outside the Top 10 in scoring).

Blake Wheeler in Winnipeg is the last candidate, and he has been a spark plug for the upstart Jets, who may have the best team Winnipeg’s ever seen this year. But, it is because of that – they are a strong team all the way through their lineup – that as good as Wheeler is, he’s not more valuable to them than Giroux is to the Flyers.

Seriously. Take Giroux out of the lineup and where are the Flyers? Even give us last year’s version of Giroux this year, and are the Flyers even a topic of conversation? No. They’d be dead in the water and floating near the bottom of the standings.

Quite simply, Giroux means more to his team than anyone else this season. It’s why he needs to be a Hart Trophy finalist in my mind. You can argue that one or two guys are more deserving of the award, but you can’t find three. So, fellow writers, do the right thing – and vote for Claude.

3. The Curious Case of Travis Konecny

I might end up writing all day about this situation.

Because even though Dave Hakstol doesn’t think so, and even though Konecny himself doesn’t think so (at least not outwardly to those of us asking him questions), the way he is treated for his play is a travesty.

Last night was an incredible microcosm of this point.

Let’s do this chronologically shall we:

Konecny controls the puck in traffic, takes the shot, and scores! pic.twitter.com/GCNxXJ5DSz

— Sons of Penn (@SonsofPenn) March 22, 2018

That’s Konecny scoring his 21st goal of the season in the first period, giving the Flyers a 1-0 lead.

It was a nifty little move and Konecny said he was originally considering passing the puck before shooting at the last possible second.

Then in the second period:

Teek-tac-toe! pic.twitter.com/73aREHbYNk

— Sons of Penn (@SonsofPenn) March 23, 2018

For a shifty little guy, he’s fearless and has no problem getting to the “dirty areas” of the ice where most goals are scored. It’s a great deflection for his 22nd goal of the season – and his third two-goal game of the season.

And then there was the third period:

That’s right. TK wasn’t around for much of the third period. No, he didn’t get hurt. No, he wasn’t serving some sort of misconduct penalty.

Nope. He was rooted to the bench right in front of Hakstol for most of the period.

He was credited with four shifts totaling 2:28 in the third period.  He saw the ice for 30 seconds in the final 13 minutes of the game.

So a guy who has been an offensive catalyst for the first 40 minutes of a must-win game suddenly can’t get on the ice in the third period?

And it’s not like the Flyers were offensive dynamos in the third period. No. They were having the game taken to them.

“We got it done,” Giroux said. “We’re happy about it, but at the same time I think we can play a little bit better… At the end we sat back a little too much, but we got it done.”

Even Hakstol admitted the third period was not to his liking.

“We were just sporadic today,” He said. “The first 3-4 minutes of the game we weren’t sharp and crisp and then we finished the first period, the last 15-16 minutes, really well. And then from there we were sporadic through the next 20-25 minutes and honestly we got back on our heels in the last part of the third period. Obviously there’s things that we have to clean up and do a little bit better, but the bottom line is the two points at the end of the night and we move on.”

Which begs the question, why isn’t Konecny on the ice? He’s never back on his heels. His mistakes are often mistakes of being up on his toes too much – since we’re going with feet-based metaphors here.

In other words, if TK is making a mistake, it’s from trying to make a play or being too aggressive on a puck. Not from sitting back.

But Hakstol still feels the need to use TK as a whipping boy for accountability, something no other player has to deal with so punitively.

Hakstol admitted to benching Konecny in the third period:

“He wasn’t taking care of the puck very well,” Hakstol said. “Defensively, some of the things in the D-zone. Individuals got to be better at this time of the year and how we manage the puck and how we take care of it and the mentality that we’re gonna do things with.”

It was a pretty direct response from Hakstol. One that I, for one, appreciate. I don’t agree with the punishment – especially when a guy like Voracek is known to be a similar type of player as Konecny, an offensive dynamo but not the best player in the defensive zone – and he is often double shifted in the third period and was even on the ice with two minutes to play and the team protecting a one-goal lead.

So much for the good for the goose, good for the gander thing….

But Hakstol’s comments sent off a wave of questions (including one from yours truly) that Hakstol had to answer – after a win no less:

Was that play, where he tried to pick off that pass, was that one of the plays?

“No, that’s actually, that’s not one of them. He was trying to make a play there.  I want players to try to make plays. He was trying to make a play so that wasn’t one of them for me.”

(Here’s that play for your viewing displeasure):

Zibanejad takes the puck from Konecny's reach, speeds around Gudas, and beats Lyon. pic.twitter.com/il7qWbV7jd

— Sons of Penn (@SonsofPenn) March 22, 2018

Prior to that his energy, you said you guys were sporadic in the first. He scores that goal, cutting through the slot, and he gets to the net whether that goal sticks with him or it’s Gudas’s goal or whatever. The fact that he is able to do those things and inject some life on the offensive side of it, is that just the maturation of him as a player?

“There is never a lack of that and we love that. I love that about TK. On most nights, he’s working hard to do the right things on both sides of the puck. There’s been very few nights where he hasn’t given us that injection of energy and that punch offensively. He’s been a real consistent player on that side of things.”

There’s scorers the NHL, there’s fast guys in the NHL, there’s guys who love to get dirty and bang around. That’s not a usual collection of a skill set like he’s got.

“He did it tonight, right? He got one from the outside and he got one from that net front. You love those things about him. There’s certain nights where, a night like tonight, where with the puck and for this time of the year depending on the situation and time of the game, you need him to do a better job and he knows that. But that’s part of the growing process here and he’s done a hell of a job for our team. Again tonight, he was an impact player and on a night like tonight where some of the decisions aren’t what we want them to be, we’ve got guys that can go in there at the right time of game and do the job.”

Do you tell him that or do you just show him that with less time and things like that?

“Those are little things you talk about during the game on the bench and wherever. Absolutely, we have to address those things during the game.”

How difficult is it to make that decision though, Dave, when he gives you that offense he gives you in the first two periods?

“It’s a balance. It’s not difficult, it’s a balance. You take the information that’s there and make the decision.”

But the balance you are looking for, you don’t get. Because when you take TK off the ice in favor of Matt Read, who is certainly a more reliable defensive player, you take your foot off the gas pedal.

You force your team to sit back and play a more defensive style.

Your very decision is WHY the team is caught back on their heels.

And it wasn’t just TK. Jori Lehtera was getting ice time in place of Jordan Weal in the third period as well as Hakstol shortened his bench.

Weal isn’t as much of a game-changer as Konecny, so that one gets glossed over, but Hakstol is making decisions that, for most of a period, are stunting the offense. I’m not sure that’s the best way to go.

It worked last night, so it’s difficult to argue, but the Flyers really were just hanging on last night rather than continuing to dictate the tempo of the game themselves. Sometimes the team just plays badly and there’s nothing a coach can do about it.

But when you take the game’s best player over the first 40 minutes and basically take him out of the lineup in favor of a defense-first forward (Read ended up playing more minutes than Konecny in the game last night) you are definitely changing the tenor of the game yourself. Period.

To his credit, Konecny said in the media scrum that he’s comfortable with the decision because it’s good  for the team:

“It’s all about getting the two points,” Konecny said. “Defensively we are going to make sure we are taking care of pucks and little things like that. It’s all about doing what’s right for the team. I have no problem with it because it’s all about getting the two points. If that’s the way we have to win, I’ll do it every time.”

After the scrum was over, I furthered the conversation with Konecny one-on-one:

Do you think your teammates notice you aren’t out there and as such figure they have to focus on defense-first hockey now because they don’t want to be too aggressive and end up in the same spot on the bench?

“I don’t think so. I don’t know what everyone else is thinking, but I know the way we play and we’re not trying to sit back like that. Look, it was a coaching decision at the end of the game. I want to take this with some pride and make sure I’m a little bit better toward the end of games and hopefully one day be able to stay out there, but right now this is part of it – since we’re winning games.”

But you can see why I’m asking you this right? It’s hard not to sit upstairs and watch and see how well you are playing offensively and wonder – why you would want to stop having that threat on the ice?

“Yeah, but I did make some mistakes tonight. It’s all good.”

But hockey’s a game of mistakes, right?

“Yeah, I know.”

I mean, if it’s at the very end of the game, or a key defensive zone draw that’s one thing. But when it’s almost the whole period, that’s another thing, right? And that’s me saying it, not you saying it, but I’m not wrong with this.

“I hear you. I’m just… We got the win. That’s all that matters.”

He’s right. It is all that matters ultimately. But what happens when this is the strategy and the Flyers don’t win? Is there a right time and a wrong time for teaching lessons? I argue there is. And I would say when your team is scratching and clawing and fighting for every point necessary in the final eight games of the season as you are trying to make the playoffs is not the right time.

4. Other stuff

I knew I’d go on too long with that one. Sorry. It just burns me up when these things happen. The whole “we know better than you” mentality. Look, more often than not, coaches and general managers do know better than the rest of us. But, we aren’t always wrong to question those decisions either.

Hakstol goes all Andy Reid on us sometimes and it eats away at me.

OK, moving on…

I’ve probably written enough today but there are some final bullet points I want to touch on:

Voracek’s goal was a thing of beauty:

Jake the Snake slithering his way into the goal column. pic.twitter.com/jTXbHovl7s

— Sons of Penn (@SonsofPenn) March 23, 2018

He really went 1-on-3 and came away victorious. It was a hell of an effort goal. Jake decided not to talk about it after the game. Some of the members of the media were bothered by this – apparently this is the third time this season Voracek has declined to speak to the media after a game (yes, there are bean counters for that sort of thing, sad, I know).

I don’t get the complaint. I think Jake talks plenty. He always has something good to say. He’s a good quote and a good dude with the writers. If the guy wants a night off (or three) from our stupid questions over the course of seven months, fine. It’s not like there was something he absolutely had to answer for from this game. He wasn’t ducking anything. He’s just mentally tired. Give him a break. I, for one, have no problem with it Jake.

I have a little concern for Ivan Provorov. He has had a few below bar games in a row now. (Admittedly his bar is far higher than everyone else on the defensive side of things.) He looks exhausted to be honest. He’s missing that extra life in his legs that we have grown so accustomed to seeing. Hakstol is smartly giving the Flyers a day off today. They need the rest, and no one more than Provorov. The Flyers are going to need him at his best if they want to make any postseason noise at all.

Brandon Manning was back in the lineup last night… and while he didn’t make any egregious mistakes that cost the Flyers, there was still a lot of “Oh, Brandon” moments. Whether it was being caught out of position, colliding with teammates behind the net, or stumbling to the ice on his own, Manning continues to be what he is – a No. 7 defenseman. I don’t buy that he’s a better matchup for specific teams than Robert Hagg at the moment, as Hakstol indicated. Instead, I can tell you there is a very real belief that Hagg is still injured, and that despite trying to play through it in recent games, Hagg isn’t quite 100 percent – which is why Manning was back in the lineup against New York.

  By the Skin of Their Teeth: Thoughts After Flyers 4, Rangers 3 published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/