#can't wait to see how tumblr murders my formatting

[thecapricunt1616]

Papaya (c.b one-shot)

Part one here

Blurb (More BTC!) : He knew you were that out of your mind, when he pushed his way through the house, shouting “Squish? SQUISH!” Over the music as well as he could and he found you being basically fucking molested by some meathead that had a good 6 inches and 75 pounds on him. The sight made him so enraged, it made him see red so quickly, it made him black out in anger. He came to again a few moments later after he uppercut the guy so hard he fell back on his ass, and then punched him in the face so hard that his nose started bleeding.  “Bear?” You said confused 

“See the fucking cup, asshole?” He seethed, everyone was watching now as he dumped the remainder of your icy drink on him and crushed it before throwing it at his shocked face “ the blue cup means she’s taken”

♡ One-shot inspo: Papaya is associated with femininity & strengthening love connections. Hang twigs of papaya wood over a door to keep out evil. Eat papaya with a loved one to intensify your love. Mix papaya leaves with mandrake and burn or use in the bath to reverse hexes and jinxes. ♡ Summary: You & Carmys first time, F/U to 'Very First Time'♡ W/C: 4.7k ♡ A/N: EEEE It's here! The first was recieved so well, & my sweet @carmenberzattosgf requested a part 2 as well as this sweet anon, so I had to indulge! I hope it is everything you wanted <3 Who's ready for some sexy sexy Carmy tomorrow!? I know I am!!! I can't believe this is my last piece before the drought is over...It has gone so freaking fast!!! I can't wait to meet all the new fans that this season brings <3 :) (P.S. If you were tagged, it's BC you asked for a part 2 or are my moot!! <3) P.S - Tumblr was really trying to get me to commit murder while formatting this JFC ♡ Warnings for BTC: SMUT SMUT SMUT, College relationship, childhood best friend trope, virgin!carmy, Fem!/AFAB!Reader, R has long hair, No use of Y/N (r goes by childhood nickname 'squish' ), Drunk men being pervy, Physical violence, Angry Carmy

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You stumbled into the nearest vacant bathroom (with your drink in hand of course) as Miley Cyrus’ We Can’t Stop bumps through the speakers of the frat house so loudly that the floors shook. 

The amount of stinky sweaty bodies and drunk people making out in various corners of the hallway would usually get to you if you weren’t so out of your mind. You weren’t exactly sure which drink you were on yet, but you did know that when your best friend Paisley had challenged you to a keg standoff and you weren’t a quitter, so you couldn’t count just how many beers you had chugged. 

You tried to count on your fingers as you hovered above the nasty toilet seat to pee just exactly how many red solo cups of mostly liquor with a bit of mixer you had consumed. You were distracted by that nasty toilet seat, wondering how the boys that live here don’t gag whenever they come to pee. You were happy that Carmy wasn’t in a frat. You were really happy that Carmy wasn’t in a frat, the guys here were assholes. Most of them, anyway. 

You grabbed your blue cup, that insinuated you were taken or dating someone steady, out with you back into the hot sticky living room, to hear someone (probably paisley, it had to have been paisley or one of your other sorority sisters) had requested they play Girls by The 1975, you tried finding her but got distracted by hands on your waist and “I love your shirt” in your ear. It was a voice you didn’t recognize, you could tell the man towered over you by the way he had to hunch over to talk to you. 

Carmy was bigger then you, but not that much bigger, this guy would probably have a head on Carmy. He had grown just like Mike said he would, and it looked amazing on him. Funnily enough though, even though you had been dating since the week you graduated high school - and you were now juniors in college, he still hadn’t slept with you yet. You often after you left his house to head back to your sorority house since they had a curfew, would cry to your sorority about how he still only wants to do oral. 

He didn’t often want blowjobs unless it was a special occasion, he would tell you your hand is fine and you don’t have to do ‘all that’ even though you wanted to- you figured since he was saying that he didn’t want you to. You weren’t aware - but Carmy was kicking himself in the ass every single day that he hasn’t fucked you the way you deserve yet. He was honestly getting worried he was going to lose you to some guy who would. You had asked him, he had told you that he wasn’t ready to go that far with you yet, that he wanted to wait and make it special. 

But in all reality he was terrified out of his mind. He knew he could make you cum with his mouth, but his dick?! He had to dig his nails into his palms until they near drew blood whenever you put your fucking mouth on him, so if you let him fuck your cunt?! He was worried he was going to cum in 3 strokes and you would laugh and break up with him and tell him you were better off best friends and there goes his only friend and the love of his life and the person he wants to marry. But he found himself asking as he fantasized about marrying you how he was supposed to do that if he can’t even find the balls to fuck you right. 

His anxiety was what led him to calling you 3 times tonight, because you were late - and you were never late - because the two of you wanted to spend as much time as possible together since his schedule was so packed between working at the beef and going to classes part time. He was nowhere near graduating, that was because he was stacking his money away in a savings account that gained interest like Uncle Jimmy taught him, so that his graduation present to you could be the Chicago brownstone you both had talked about having together since high school. 

He found it so incredibly sexy and endearing that you put school first in your life, he wanted to reward you for it. He felt you deserved the world and more, since you were his world. Which is why, after the third nervous stuttering voicemail which is how you could tell he was really nervous, had gone unanswered? He opened the find my friends app and grabbed his brothers keys. 

“Mike I’m going…out!” He called and shut the front door before he could get questions about why the hell he of all people would be leaving the house past 10:00 on a Friday night. He anxiously mapped the location on his phone and hopped in the car. When he got there, though- he couldn’t even park near the house. He had to park a block over and walk because it was so packed with cars. He made sure to lock the car in case any drunkards were to try and sleep in it or think it was there’s, and put on the walking directions. 

Carmen had to deal with drunk behavior well - every night, so being with a bunch of drunk people wasn’t his favorite place to be - but for you he persevered, because what the hell were you doing here. 

You, currently, were inside, grinding on the same guy that had come up to you to Mirrors by Justin Timberlake. You had finished another drink, and forgotten completely it wasn’t your boyfriend behind you - and didn’t even have the mind to ask yourself what he would be doing there. Said boyfriend was currently pushing his way through the kitchen, and rolling his eyes and the ‘single, taken, DTF’ different colored cups on the counter as he tried to find you. 

He knew you were that out of your mind, when he pushed his way through the house, shouting “Squish? SQUISH!” Over the music as well as he could and he found you being basically fucking molested by some meathead that had a good 6 inches and 75 pounds on him. The sight made him so enraged, it made him see red so quickly, it made him black out in anger. He came to again a few moments later after he uppercut the guy so hard he fell back on his ass, and then punched him in the face so hard that his nose started bleeding. 

“Bear?” You said confused 

“See the fucking cup, asshole?” He seethed, everyone was watching now as he dumped the remainder of your icy drink on him and crushed it before throwing it at his shocked face “the blue cup means she’s taken” 

He grabbed your arm gently “squish y’wasted. We're going home” he said firmly but not mean, and you stumbled next to him as people move out of the way since the entire room was privy to what just happened. You weren’t sure what happened all you knew was the man was behind you and then he wasn’t and then carmy was punching him and now you were in the car and Carmy was lecturing you about how worried he was. 

“He could have hurt you, angel. Please- I know it’s college and you can do what you want but I love you and those guys are all assholes, they’ll take advantage of nice girls the second they get a chance. And you’re so sweet squish, you’re too sweet. They don’t deserve to have you over” he squeezed your hand and brought it to his lips for what he knew was probably the hundredth time in the 35 minute car ride back to his house. 

You didn’t say much of anything that could make sense, but he agreed with you anyway. “And theee um. The the- what was I saying?” You look over at him at a red light with a drunk smile, your eyes glazed over from all the alcohol and cheeks hot with the rush of it in your system. 

“I dunno baby but you look cute” he tucked a piece of hair behind your ear and kissed your forehead gently 

“Your knuckles are bleeding, did you hurt them?” You asked, the events from less than an hour prior already having been wiped from your mind. He chuckled a bit, shaking his head 

“M’fine squish, you need some water” he helped you out of the car, supporting most of your weight as you stumbled up the stairs of the Berzatto house, and he unlocked the door. 

“Ooooo you know what I want?” You asked and he smiled as he locked the door behind him and lead you to the kitchen 

“What’s that honey?” He helps you sit down at the table and grabs a glass, filling it with ice water 

“I want a bear special beef sandwich. Pretty please?” He came over and handed you the glass 

“Drink that and we’ll talk about it” he said and you obediently chugged down the glass as he went back to the fridge and got out the beef they didn’t use today at the restaurant and a pan to heat it in 

“This is good” you said, finishing it off and crunching on a piece of ice to which he cringed 

“Ugh y’teeth babe don’t do that!” He scolded as he always did when you munched on ice, taking it from you and filling it again, adding a straw before giving it back so you were less tempted to repeat your actions

He was cutting up a bell pepper for your sandwich when you asked “why won’t you have sex with me?” Which almost made him slice his finger but thankfully he missed it by a centimeter. 

“Who said I won’t” he looked back at you, his cheeks a pretty shade of pink as he flushed with embarrassment. 

“I dunno. You say you’re waiting but I want to and paisley says maybe you’re shy and if m’drunk maybe you’ll wanna do it more but the problem-“ you’re interrupted with a drunk hiccup “with that is, paisley said you have to be drunk too, and you aren’t.” You slurred, struggling to find your straw again to chug down the other half of your second glass of water. 

He stared at you, unsure of what to say and Mikey comes pounding down the stairs per usual and into the kitchen. A bull in a fucking China shop, just like Richie. “Yooo it’s squishy! Sup girl” he came over, giving you a brotherly push to the back of the head and doing the same to Carmy as he walks by to the fridge 

“Hey! You could have killed me I’m drinking!” You slurred, “but I’m asking Carmy why he won’t h-“

“Heyyyy!!! Hey hey squish no we’re not sharing those things” Carmy cuts you off quickly and looks over, shaking his head 

“She’s fuckin gone” Mike said to himself as he grabbed a can of soda 

“Yeah why do you think I’m fuckin having her eat and drink water?” Carmy quips, putting the beef into the bun he’d toasted and adding extra cheese for you on top how he liked it. 

“Mm. Make sure you have a few vomit bags ready I think the last time she was this wasted was her birthday” he headed back up to his room and Carmy sighed to himself, knowing he was right. 

“Who’s vomiting?” You asked, sipping the last few dribbles of water and he set your sandwich in front of you, taking the cup to fill again and you gasp, having forgotten you even wanted the sandwich “I was just gonna ask you to make me one too!” You said excitedly and took a big bite. 

He came back to the table, setting the filled glass down and sitting in the chair next to you, gently rubbing your back “chew it baby Jesus it’s not goin anywhere” he teased and pushed your hair back over your shoulders. 

“I know- it’s just so good” you mumble with your mouth full and he chuckled, shaking his head and wiping some grease that had dribbled down your chin off with the pad of his thumb, wiping it on a napkin. He didn’t know what came over him, maybe it was the fact that you wouldn’t remember - maybe selfishly it was because he knew you’d be brutally honest, but he asked 

“If we did have sex, and I didn’t last very long- would you be upset that you had to finish with my mouth or fingers instead?” His voice was laced with nervous curiosity, but he had to know this to be able to properly navigate having sex since you had been bringing it up more and more often as of late. 

“What?! Upset? I think I’ll cry with joy that I actually can have your dick in me it doesn’t matter how long” you said casually. He wasn’t sure what it was about it, maybe it was the tone of your voice - like it’s an every day thought for you, like you were aching to have him inside of you. Yeah, that was it. The coolness mixed with desperation, it made his cock stiffen a little more than he figured it should have. 

“Mm.” Was all he said, covering himself with his hand, it wasn’t like you would notice, anyway, but he was still ever so shy about you making him aroused - like he was doing something wrong. Even though you were his girlfriend of 3 years and you said I love you multiple times a day to each other. 

While he was helping you shower, and then helping you dress for bed, that was when it hit him. This weekend, his mom would be out of town for some work thing he didn’t care to know the details of, and Mike goes to the casino every Friday and stays out practically until 5 am. He would have the house to himself, and it would be the perfect time to finally have sex. 

He was mapping out in his mind the most romantic way to do it, flowers, candles, music? He told himself he had to do it right and make it a night to remember for the both of you. He had to cook for you - he figured he would make your favorite penne à la vodka, and he wouldn’t tell you about doing it just in case he bitches out. But the amount of thought he was putting into this, if he bitched out he was gonna be extraordinarily angry with himself. 

Your voice pulled him out of his head as if always did “bear” you said sleepily 

“Sup bug” he kissed your head tenderly and rubbed your arm as you nuzzled into his side. 

“Can you turn the tv down m’tired” you mumble into his shirt and he took the remote, turning it off. 

“Love you baby, g’night” he resumed rubbing over your hip as he got lost in his thoughts once again. 

 When the day came, he wasn’t sure how he didn’t bitch out. He thought about it 5 times that day and convinced himself not to, but now, now that you were sat at the table with him, a candle between you, giggling about how ‘romantic’ he had been acting tonight - he felt like a total fucking idiot. 

“I’m sorry, fuck- do you not like it? I read one of sugars magazines she left behind before she moved - they said girls like candles and music” he pushed it to the side and you shook your head, moving it back 

“I love it, bear. I’m just wondering why you’re treating me so special tonight is all, I’d have been a lot more dressed up and pretty if you’d have-“ he cuts you off

“You’re fuckin- y’perfect, squish. I love you, that’s why I’m doin it. I just wanna show you how much” he held your hand and squeezed it gently “you mean everything t’me. Really” he said and kissed your knuckles gently. 

When you made it to his bedroom, you realized he’d hung romantic little white string lights along his headboard to provide more ambient lighting, and that’s when it clicked what was happening. Your heart raced in your chest like a hummingbird trapped in a cage as his hands roam your body. 

You were sprawled out beneath him, both of you down to your underwear, the feeling of his lips nipping, and licking, and biting yours was enough to make you wet, but when his broad hands started palming your tits, his thumbs and forefingers massaging your nipples, you had to squeeze your thighs together to provide your throbbing clit some pressure. You were mewling and whining beneath him, he was panting and grunting into your mouth, your noses bumping with each unexpected kiss. 

“Carmy” you whine into his mouth, reaching to pull one of your hands off of your breast and he pulled away just enough to speak, lapis eyes boring into yours that were no doubt lust blown. 

“Y’good?” He asked gently, kissing the corner of your mouth chastely and eased his grip on your breasts. You moved the hand you were holding down, down, down, tucking his fingers into the waistband of your panties 

“I want you to touch me here…please” you said softly and hook your arm around the back of his neck, tangling your fingers in his sandy blond curls as you pull him back for a kiss his breath hitched slightly at the action, his cock twitching at your words which you felt against your thigh, causing you to smile a bit. He cupped your heat with his hand for a moment, causing you to grind onto it needily and he sucked on your bottom lip as he spread your lips to slip his middle finger over your sticky soaked hole, teasing it gently before trailing it up to find the throbbing erect bud. 

You gasped lightly at the contact, back arching a bit and moaning shamelessly, your voice coming out high pitched and whiny “oh yes” you said as he rubbed the pad of his finger back and forth and in circles, alternating between the two in such a way that was making your stomach tighten and thighs shiver. 

“Yeah?” He kissed your jaw “feels good mm? Sound so pretty, princess” he said hotly in your ear, gently nipping at your neck in the way that drove you wild. 

“So good you make me feel so good” you mewl as he moved his finger down again, thrusting it in and out as he does that beckoning motion with the finger and he gently rubbed your clit with his other hand. You sob in pleasure, fisting the sheets with one hand and tugging Carmys hair with the other. 

“Good girl tha’s a good girl” his husky voice and hot breath made you shiver even though with how close your orgasm was- you felt oh so hot. You felt him lick your sternum where he had watched a bead of sweat trailing down and that caused your eyes to open once more, to see his staring back like a round eyed cat. 

“M’gonna cum” you choke out, pulling the sheets harder to avoid hurting him by pulling his hair too hard. This brought a grin to his face, finding your nipple with his lips and sucking on the sensitive bud, just as he adds another finger, speeding up his beckoning motion. Your eyes nearly roll back when you felt his lips on your ear, encouraging you

“Yeah? Yeah pretty girl? Are you gonna cum f’me? Feels sooo good huh. Go ahead princess let me feel you cum on my hand I love it when y’pussy sucks in my fingers it’s so fuckin hot. Y’re so fuckin hot” your jaw fell slack in a silent scream, brows knitted together as he praised you while your orgasm came over you full force. You swore you saw stars behind your lids. 

“Please please please pleaaase bear” you found yourself begging, pulling him up for a kiss and he chuckled into your lips, pulling away enough to ask, 

“Please what, what baby what d’you want?” He cooed sweetly before ravishing your face with kisses which made your thumping, racing heart turn to goo 

“Please fuck me. Please- oh god please I fucking need you inside your fingers aren’t enough I need to feel you.” You begged, your voice was raspy, needy, he never heard anything hotter in his life. 

“Yeah?” He asked sweetly, resting his forehead on yours, nuzzling your nose in a eskimo kiss gently. “Open your eyes” he said softly and dried his hand on the sheets, pushing your sticky, sweat slick hair from your face and cupping your cheeks. Your eyes flickered open to meet his honest blue ones, blown with lust, glazed over with love. “Tell me again, I want to see you when you say it baby, so I know you want this.” He rubbed your jaw tenderly with his thumbs. 

“I want you to show me how much you love me, Bear, please” you said softly and he smiled in the way that showed off his little dimples, to which you kissed it gently before he told you 

“I don’t think there’s a way to show you just how much I love you, because it can’t even be described in words - but I’ll try anything f’you, squish” he kissed your forehead lovingly, lingering for a moment. Your eyes fluttered shut as you soaked in the moment, gently rubbing his back. 

“I love you too, more than words” you said honestly when he pulled away, grabbing a condom from his nightstand drawer and ripping it open with his teeth, an action that had you clenching around nothing, but hopefully that would be resolved in just a moment. 

“Now, if you want to stop just say the word, if you can’t find your words just like…bite me I guess” he teased and you giggled, shaking your head 

“Will do” you watch as he slipped off his boxers, rolling the rubber all the way to the base, he tugged off your panties that had been soaked through, tossing them in his laundry basket since you’d need new ones after which lived in his top drawer, and got between your legs. You watch as he strokes himself a few times with his hand and you felt your throat go a bit dry. What if you were the one to ruin it all because it wouldn’t fit or something? 

“You ok?” He asked gently as he caught you staring and you met his eyes again, putting on a smile and nodding, spreading your legs wider in hopes that might make more room. 

“Amazing. Excited” you said, it wasn’t exactly a lie, but you left off your biggest and most present emotion nervous. 

“Okay…that look says I’m worried so what’s up?” He held your hand, gently rubbing the back of it with his thumb and looking into your eyes. It was impossible to lie when he looked at you like that, even more impossible when you were both butt naked and his dick was in his hand. 

“What if it doesn’t fit?” You asked nervously. He chuckled as if he didn’t believe you, shaking his head

“I’m not that hung, babe. It’ll be fine. Do you care if I touch you?” He asked and you shook your head, swallowing thickly. He knelt on the bed with his left knee, leaning over you and nestling the tip of his cock between your folds and rubbing your wetness up and over your clit, causing a small gasp to leave your lips. He watched you carefully, for any signs of discomfort or that you were having second thoughts. 

Your lips were parted and little puffs of air fan his chin, eyes hooded in pleasure and little squeaks coming out of your throat each time his tip bumped your clit firmly and the ridge of it rubbed back down to swipe over your hole and back up to repeat the assault. You could cum just like this if he did it long enough. “Feels good?” He checked, intertwining your fingers and squeezing your hand lovingly. 

“Uh-huh” was all you could manage to get out and he smiled a bit, kissing your chin gently 

“Want me to try being inside Angel?” 

In response, a needier, whinier “uh-huh” 

He looks down for a moment, grabbing his cock and lining the tip up with your entrance. “Remember what to do?” He triple checked, this time- just a quick nod. He ever so gently eased his way in, his jaw tightening at the way it made his balls feel 10 pounds heavy, his cock twitching at the foreign sensation. He grunted to cover a whine instead, and you squeezed his hand tight, looking down and watching as he slowly pushed his shaft in about a fourth of the way and stopped, looking up at you. Once more. 

“How do you feel baby?” He gently rubbed your clit with his other hand, causing you to clench around him and in turn a unconscious moan tears from his throat “jeeesus fuck” he grunts, hips sinking in further in instinct and you squeak, shifting uncomfortably which made him look down and quickly pull back out to just the tip “sorry- fuck I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened are you ok?” He kissed your wrist. 

“Burning. Kinda. Not a bad, it feels…kinda good? It like…it feels like a good stretch when it almost hurts. And like…full. So full, but like a good full. A fulfilled kinda full, is that weird?” You rambled on all the thoughts swimming in your brain other than ‘cock feels good’  which was the main one. 

“Yeah? Feels good f’me too baby” he leaned in, kissing your lips and sinking in further, half way now. He kept kissing you, gently sucking on your tongue as you got used to the uncomfort of the stretch. “Can I try moving Angel?” He asked , almost into your mouth, you just respond with a huffy hum of agreement before pulling your lips back up to his. He very slowly at first started to thrust and had to let go of your hand to fist the pillow so he didn’t bust right then. 

“Holy fuck” he pants, nuzzling his face in your neck and continuing to rub your clit as he thrusted in and out. The feeling left you breathless, wordless, thoughtless. You were on cloud nine, you could die like this. You felt that sensation of an orgasm coming in your belly again, this was the quickest he’d ever brought you to another. 

“Bear-bear- I’m-“ you whine out, back arching and jaw dropping as his tip brushes your g spot and you nearly cry, tears gathering in the corners of your eyes at the intense pleasure it brought. “Cumming, cumming im cumming” you babbled, as your orgasm took over, clenching and unclenching around his cock in such a way that he literally couldn’t stop himself from spilling into the condom if he tried. 

The whiny grunt he made when he came was the hottest noise you had heard to date and was nothing short of beautiful. He bit down on your neck, sucking a pretty purple bruise into the skin before burying himself to the hilt as he shoots rope after rope of seed into the condom. Your thighs tightened around his waist, nails digging into his shoulders so hard they’d leave moon shaped bruises come morning that he’d proudly walk around the house with at breakfast so Mike could finally believe that he’s not just lying about doing sexual shit with you. 

You wrap your legs around his hips, keeping him there and relishing in the feeling. You felt like he was made for you, you fit together like 2 puzzle pieces. You knew he was your forever, but this solidified it even more. After he fucked you through both of your highs, he pulled out and laid next to you in a heap, panting for a few moments before he finally spoke

“Biggest mistake of my life was waiting so long to do that”

@carmenberzattosgf @daysofyellowroses @aestheticaltcow @l4long-winded @thehouseofevangelista @w31rdash @caramelberzatto @wtfsteveharrington

[the-orange-tabby-cat]

last updated: August 4th

Tabby note: All my fics are currently in a small hiatus cause I'm moving! I will be back soon enough, meanwhile, why don't you read one of my recs?

Howdy! 🤠

I'm an orange tabby cat that writes fanfic about Pedro Pascal's characters. Welcome to my masterlist, cowboy (gn). If you'd like to request a drabble, feel free to drop a purr on my asks. To check my WIP list, click here. I'm also doing some album reviews connecting my favorite albums with a Pedro character, check it here for a soundtrack. To guide you better, here's a small resume of what you will find bellow:

💣 smut | 🧡 fluff | 💀 dark | 🌵 angst | 🌻 sad/grief | 🦋 slow burn

SERIES

Wings Of The Dawn

tags: 💣🧡🦋 AO3 | Fic masterlist | Spotify playlist |  Work In Progress | 6/?

Summary: You are Jackson’s librarian, a doll with good heart, that has your life changed when a handsome man and his kid decides to start again in your small town. Having a hard time ignoring Joel’s dark brown eyes, you found yourself wishing to have him closer as you both navigate through love triangles, teenage drama, city gossip and ghosts from both your pasts.

This is a comfort fic filled with slow burn and small town dynamics.

SERIES

By The Window

tags: 🧡💀🌵 AO3 | Fic masterlist |  Work In Progress | 1/4  Alternate Universe - Haunted House, ghost!Joel Miller

Summary: Wisteria grew over the wall, year after year, covering the sidewalk in a light purple petal tapestry. The windows that hadn’t been open for at least a decade no longer contained finger marks over the white paint, just a dust layer. Between the bricks, the bindweed made a delicate pattern covering most of the façade in green. The house sat quietly at the bottom of the valley, undisturbed and unnoticed. Sometimes walkers passed by it, but it didn’t matter, they never saw the building or what lives inside. The thing that lives inside the house waited patiently for her, until she came and changed everything.

Wednesday

tags: 🧡🌵🌻🦋 AO3 | Fic masterlist |  Work In Progress | 2/?  Alternate Universe - grief support group

Summary: For the last 5 years, every Wednesday you watched a handsome man walk by your street with a lilac bouquet in hands. Except he doesn’t stroll on your street this Wednesday, he shows up at your grief support group. 

The Renegade

tags: 💣🧡🦋 AO3 | Fic masterlist | Work In Progress | 1/4

Summary: This is why I’m writing to you, Tess. Do you see how much trouble am I? How unstable and not anywhere good for him? I can’t fall in love with him and he can’t get closer, I’m a weak bitch: I’m gonna fall for him if you don’t help me. I walked too many meters of bad decisions before, I can’t cross another ocean. You are my only hope, The renegade - Your parents ask you to try seeing a therapist, Tess, and you agree under one condition: she can't let you fall in love with Joel Miller. A fic in the format of letters, from you to Tess.

ONE SHOTS

The Season Of The Witch

tags: 💣 AO3 | Read it on Tumblr

Summary: October 1986 - The Miller brothers start the Halloween season by going to a carnival to try some luck with a fortune teller. Unfortunately for them, she is real and spills out about what the future holds for them. Wanting more answers, Joel flirts with the occult and gets way more than just a palm reading. Almost pure smut for your enjoyment. 

ONE SHOTS

A Lesson In Nature

tags: 🧡 AO3 | Read it on Tumblr

Summary: A hike with your handsome co-star made you believe two things: 1. Your agent would be fired as soon as you got signal, 2. Dieter was a full pain in the ass. Forget about having the starlet breakout of your dreams, you were about to murder whoever cast you both together. But first, you need to survive this.

ONE SHOTS

Dusk

tags: 💣🌵 AO3 | Read it on Tumblr

Summary: Javier sees you again years after the end of your love affair. Torn between the memories of what happened then and what is now, you both face the weight of your actions from Bogotá to Madrid.

[columboscreens]

Been loving the Twitter account and realized I'd love the Tumblr too.

Anyway, I've always wondered something... my mom and I began to realize that maybe one of the reasons classic Columbo's formula made such a splash and continues to be unique is that he's basically presented as the story's "villain".

Not in a "he was the real killer" kind of way, I mean structure-wise for most episodes the killer is the main character with the majority of screen time. It occurred to us that all the best episodes really seem to present the murderer as the protagonist, with us seeing them plan and carry out their scheme, even sometimes be privy to their inner thoughts. Then after they've done their killing, this... monster starts stalking them. It seemed to us the best episodes were the ones where WE are put in the killer's shoes the most, and maybe the character and show formula has endured so well because its thrill feels so similar to watching your favorite movie monster pursue dumb teenagers in a haunted house.

We noticed it kinda felt like it had that same weirdly sadistic glee. Like sure the movie might be "about" the campers or family or whatever, but the monster creeping around "getting" everyone is who you really came to see.

I wondered if anyone else had felt this fun "relentless antagonist" vibe from Columbo? Maybe the formula continues to feel unique even today because it isn't set up quite like a detective show. It's a rich arrogant murderer show, we just can't wait for our favorite monster to show up and chase them (with insidious, relentless politeness).

thank you!

not to needlessly intellectualize my own favorite show (i say, maintaining this blog), but there's a real sophistication to columbo, a literary quality that i think appeals to people. though the production appears facile at first, those choices in formula and perspective you mention are indeed very deliberate and part of what made columbo so fresh and special both when it aired and today. it was a very novel approach to the mystery format to have us start off with the murderer and maybe even root for them sometimes against columbo. as i always say, the show evokes dostoyevsky and doyle, not bruckheimer; it's born from old-fashioned drawing room murder mysteries, not CSI.

the mysteries are usually sharp--between columbo and murder she wrote alone, levinson and link were two of the most prolific mysterysmiths of the 20th century. but ultimately, for both the viewer and for columbo, it's all about the chase, the game, the banter. it's about a mangy little guy tussling with someone with more dollars than he has hairs on his body, and winning to boot. the legwork is important, but it does ultimately come second.

steven moffat got torn to shreds for calling columbo a sadist, but he was absolutely right and needn't have apologized. if you get up in arms about that, do you really understand columbo?

the man is a benevolent sadist. that's why he appears borderline villainous. he is a sadist with a level head and good moral compass, but still a sadist. he goes well out of his way to fuck over people who deserve to get fucked over, and he clearly enjoys every minute of it. it's how he's able to remain so relentless without getting burned out. is that so wrong?

just look at the smirk on this man's face. you cannot deny that.

like a fine wine, his power grows with time...

peter falk himself often likened being chased by columbo to "getting nibbled to death by a duck". nobody can stand there and tell me ducks aren't the cutest and also pettiest most sadistic little bastards in the animal kingdom...

sir!!!! SIR!!!!! i don't mean to bother you, i've just got this one little thing on my mind, i thought maybe you could help me...

[bizlybebo]

<SPOILERS FOR APOTHEOSIS EPISODE 2>

THEY START IN A TAVERN LMAOOO

Rumi is on the stage oh it's greattt!!!!

Rumi- "You! Do you know how to play the viola?" POINTS A FUCKING PETER

DONT PEER PRESSURE THIS WET RAG OF A MAN INTO PLAYING AN INSTRUMENT ON STAGE

RUMI STOP BULLYING HIM XD

"I'm sorry I don't know why he did this" Stop apologising.

Nevermind maybe do apologise that was awful

Don't sing hot cross buns over his narration

Rumi STOP dragging this poor boy around!

Oh yeah I get what you mean, he is sobbing over a surface level compliment

"I'm sorry noone has ever asked me that" YOUR NAME????"

I have visions of you" that does not have the implications you think it does (retrospect, that was probably intentional)

I can't imagine the players are anything except entirely baffled by Peter

I love Peter he's such A dork

I love Rumi he's so cool

"I was more like a meat puppet in sort of a play of destruction" boyyyy

Rumi is bestieeee he's great

"We just joined hands" SIR

"I have litterally never done anything"

"This is the best day ever" You sopping wet tissue paper boy

I THINK RUMI IS GETTING LIKE FOLLOWERS TO GET POWER TO HELP PEOPLE THATS SO COOL!!!!!

PETER YOU ELDRICH DIVINE HORROR

ANGELIC LIZARD OMG <<<3333

"I run into a tree" Charlie stop physically abusing your characters they deserve better

"Goddamit you're a murderer"

"Stand behind me"

"No stand behind me"

"No stand behind me"

"No I'll protect you"

"I would like to sense anything holy"Just both of Them

Peter Sqloint, the most holy man

Oh shit PvP

TASHAS HIDEOUS LAUGHTER TO MAKE HIM LAUGH LMAO

"You can't just magically make me laugh" He litterally can though

Peter for being Peer Pressured

"Rumi this guy kinda sucks :<"

"I steal his viola and play hot cross buns"

I am suffering /pos

Hes so genuine

All of the other JRWI characters take note, THIS IS how you do a speech

Peter: 🧍

As the nothing moves across the nothing XD

LIZARD 💜💜💜💜

Peter be like: not me, actually my super cool all powerful OC

"You look super aggressive sometimes please don't kill me, I'll die, I'll just die

Summons sword epically and musically

SUNNYYYY AAAAAAAAJSHSHSHD 💜

Exandroth my beloathed

"Peter is GONE" well bring him back maybe?Archangel sounds are the worst

"Don't lecture me on morals"

"THERES A WOLF ON MY LEGGGG >M<"

"YES PETER YOUR BLOOD IS NOW SPIDERS""

Your [blah blah blah] will be your end/downfall/undoing"

Okay so it's not just me right? Rumi is incredibly Gay

Woughhhhh

Lizard Log

(These are gonna take a while because Tumblr eats the formatting from my notes app, also if there are random words that cut off a sentence and don't make sense, autocorrect is a bitch)

RAGHHHHH RUMII AND PETERRRR I LOVE TJEMMMM THEY WERE SO <3333 FROM THEE STARTTT

i can’t wait to watch peters development because you can already see how he’s getting stronger + more confident in himself even by episode 6 aughuguguh. going from crying when rumi asks him his name to bashfully accepting compliments who cheered (me)

rumi is SO gay. i aspire to be like him he’s so fucking gender. but also a suave motherfucker i hate them so much. i want to shake them like a maraca and hear them go shkshkshkshk

RRRGGHH JUST THE. THE EBERYTHING AND THE WAY THANATOS GOT IJTRODUCED TO THE PARTY I LOVE TJEM SOO MUCHH AUGGH

rumis so fucking graceful even in combat it makes me angry. who let this asshole be so perfect

if peter doesn’t get his lizard log by the end of apotheosis then it’s all for nothing istg

[unseededtoast]

Rectify | Bucky Barnes

Part 9/37 | Part Eight, Part Ten

Summary: I've lived every day for the past five years looking over my shoulder. I knew they'd come for me, it was inevitable. I was foolish to think I could outrun my past. It's followed me everywhere I go, lurking in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Never would I have anticipated that the shadows would lead me to the light.

Bucky Barnes x OC

Series Warnings: Discussion of human trafficking, alcohol consumption, graphic depictions of violence, sexual content, discussion of suicidal thoughts.

a/n: Hi everyone, thank you for checking this out, I appreciate any and all support! This series is also posted on Ao3 and Wattpad if you prefer those formats/platforms! This is a completed series, and it's going to take some time for me to transfer it to Tumblr, so please bear with me!

"He tried to activate the Winter Soldier, he almost succeeded."

My mind is spinning as I frantically look for a familiar face, but to no avail. I make my way to the lab and see nobody there. I curse under my breath and turn around, continuing my search. They have to be somewhere. I constantly look around me in hopes I'll see someone who I trust and can help. I go for the conference room that I was in the first day I was here and see the lights are off. Where is everybody?

I feel like my entire body is shaking. This has to be a nightmare I'm trapped in, there is no possible way this is all happening right now. As I make my way down the next hall the lights turn off. The emergency lights flicker on and I stop in my tracks, watching them flash. Coincidences aren't coincidences. The red lights flash over and over again as an alarm begins to sound. I take a few steps back and start running for my room. I push past agents scrambling all over the place trying to get back to Bucky as quickly as I possibly can. 

I hastily turn into the dormitory hall and see that my door is still shut. Hopefully he stayed in here and didn't go looking for me or Steve. I fling the door open and feel as though time is moving in slow motion. The blonde haired man from earlier is standing in my room, crumpled paper in hand. There are two other men in the room, both dressed in Shield uniforms. I stand frozen in place as the familiar man pushes his glasses up on his nose. Bucky stands, looking between everyone in the room with a murderous gaze. The man clears his throat, 

"Miss Averina, I thought I'd never see you again. I never did get to thank you for your help back in the day." I feel as though I could throw up right now. I don't know what his plan or angle is but I know it's sinister. 

"Mr. Pierce, I can't say as though it's good to see you again." I say through gritted teeth. His eyebrows shoot up and he chuckles, 

"Now, I'm sure your father taught you to speak to your clients better than that. As I remember, you had exceptional, uh, customer service. And it's thanks to you two that I'm here in the first place." He says looking over my body before casting a glance to Bucky. Bucky stares at Pierce with a dark, baneful look in his eye. His jaw is set tight, his fists are clenched. 

I recall Mr. Pierce's contract he had back in the day and scrunch my eyebrows together, not seeing the connection. I hear Bucky's arm make noise and know something bad is about to happen in this room. Not liking the silence, Pierce speaks up again,

"You remember, it was 2005. The first contract ever made to utilize the Winter Soldier. I had an obstacle to remove. Once that obstacle was out of my way, I was able to make some friends in high places. And of course, me being in this position benefitted your father as well. I was practically handed this position and thanks to you, I was handed this as well." Mr. Pierce smiles sinisterly as he waves the piece of paper in the air. I feel as though a brick wall hit me as he explained how his contract led him to be a Hydra spy. Pierce looks at the crumpled paper in his hand and sighs,

"Well, time is of the essence and we've wasted enough. Let's get down to business shall we?" He asks and clears his throat. The two men rush Bucky and tackle him to the ground in the blink of an eye. In a quick motion, they attach some sort of electrical handcuffs to his arms and legs, making it impossible for him to move. 

"Longing." Mr. Pierce speaks in Russian. I hear Bucky struggle against the electrical cuffs. My eyes grow wide as I realize what's happening.

"Rusted." He continues the sequence. I have to do something quick or this situation can get out of hand very quickly. My eyes dart around the room looking for some sort of weapon. There are three men and only one of me. 

"Furnace." I feel adrenaline rush through my veins as Bucky begins screaming in agony. I don't care if it's three against one, I have to make sure that they don't hurt Bucky. Without thinking anything through, I grab the lamp that's plugged into the wall and swing it, hitting the two men restraining Bucky.

"Daybreak." The two men fall backwards and I hit them with the base of the lamp once more. I hit one in the face, the other in the stomach. Bucky screams out again and I rush over to Pierce, who gives me a dark grin.

"Seventeen." He says before grabbing the lamp out of my grasp as I try to land a hit. He attempts to hit me with it, but somehow I am able to dodge it. Acting out of pure instinct I kick the back of his knee, knocking him off balance. I hear Bucky's strained breathing. Pierce recovers quickly and punches me in the stomach, causing me to double over. As I'm crouched from the punch, Pierce spits on me,

"Benign." He says and I spring out of my crouching position and lock my arm around Pierce's throat. 

I have one arm around the front of his throat, my other arm pulling towards me, tightening the grip. I have him in a chokehold and I pull with all of my strength, trying to make him fall unconscious. I hear him sputter for air as I grit my teeth together and pull as hard as I possibly can. He claws at my arms in an attempt to get me off of him and in a few short moments his body hits the floor. I grab the paper from his hands and shove it in my pocket. 

I make my way over and grab the red book from my nightstand, tucking it in my waistband before turning to help Bucky. I frantically look at the electric handcuffs and try to undo them. I see they need a key to unlock them, and go to check the bodies of the unconscious men I hit with the lamp. Luckily, one kept the keys in their front pocket. With shaking hands I undo the handcuffs and help Bucky to his feet. He's disoriented and I know his mind is starting to scramble.

"Come on we have to get out of here." I say, throwing his right arm over my shoulders so I can help support him as we escape. I hear footsteps coming down the hallway and a strike of fear hits me. Expecting more Hydra agents I brace myself for the fight of my life. I see someone stop in the doorway, it's Steve. He's carrying his signature shield and looks between the two of us and the three bodies on the floor. Quickly, he takes Bucky's left side and helps me escort him out of here. 

I blindly follow Steve through the halls, trusting he's going to take us somewhere safe. As we make our way through the halls, some people rush at us causing Steve to break away and hit them down with his shield. How many Hydra spies are there? I watch as the bodies hit the floor. Bucky's feet are dragging as the two of us make our way to safety, his bodyweight becoming almost too much for me to support. 

We reach a metal door which Steve opens with ease. There is a small airplane sitting in the middle of the hangar and we make our way to it, putting Bucky in first. I hear footsteps behind us and see at least fifteen people running, guns pointed towards us. 

"There they are, shoot them down!" Someone shouts as gunfire begins. I dodge and duck down, getting in the plane as Steve maneuvers towards the runway. The plane picks up speed as bullets hit it and before I know it, we're in the air. I sit still in the seat, shock taking over my body.

I'm not sure how long we were in the air as Steve starts the descent. I feel the plane hit the ground and come to a stop. 

"Adalyn." Steve shakes my shoulders and I shake my head, coming to my senses. My eyes grow wide as I turn to look at Bucky. He has the thousand yard stare on his face, this isn't good. I climb out of the plane and help him out. Steve helps support his weight as he leads us to the door of wherever he took us. We sit Bucky on the run-down couch that's in the middle of the room. The silence is eerie.

"What happened?" Steve asks and I shake my head.

"The blonde haired man, Mr. Pierce, I recognized him this morning in Fury's office. I tried to say something earlier, but the focus was getting Bucky out of the room. He was an associate of Hydra when I met him. He created a contract with the Winter Soldier, his contract led him to being offered a spot within Shield.  Then at the park I noticed someone taking pictures of us after you left. We went back to the compound and I told Bucky to stay while I went to find you or Fury. The alarm started going off and when I got to my room, Pierce was there with two other men. Pierce got ahold of this." I say, pulling the crumpled paper out of my pocket and looked it over. It was a photocopy of a page from the red leather book. I take the book out of my waistband as well. He must've gotten this when my assets were seized the first day I got here. 

"He tried to activate the Winter Soldier, he almost succeeded." I said and looked at Bucky who was still in a fog. I set the paper and book down on the couch and walk behind Bucky. I know that it's going to take time for him to come out of the fog and that it has to be done naturally. I fear if I interfere with the process and try to break him out of his trance that he'll become too shocked and act out. 

I gather his hair in my hands and begin raking my fingers through, hoping the gentle stimulation helps him out of his current state. Steve watches in silence, a concerned look on his face. I take a deep breath and get my bearings about me.

"Where are we?" I ask not knowing where in the world we're at right now. 

"We're at a Shield safehouse. This is temporary, when I get word from Fury we'll all convene at one location. For now, you two are going to stay here. It's completely off the radar." Steve says and I scrunch my eyebrows.

"Why are you leaving? You can't leave us here alone, we're both on Hydra's most wanted list." I say fear rising within me. 

"I want to stay, believe me, I do. But I have to go clean up the rest of this mess. The more Hydra operatives we can eliminate the safer you two are going to be in the long run." Steve says.

"What if they find us here?" I ask, fearful of another ambush.

"Adalyn, I promise you this is one of the safest places on the planet. It's a bunker. Come here." He says and leads me to the kitchen area of the house. He slides one of the counters to the left and reveals a trap door. He opens the door which leads to a fully furnished and functional survival bunker. 

"When you go down there, press the button and it'll close the door and slide the counter back to position. There are monitors down there that will show you a live feed of the perimeter. If it comes to it, there's a distress button to press. Once that's pressed it will summon a few of Tony's automated suits to come and eliminate whoever is here and he will be alerted. This is temporary and I'll be back for the two of you in a few days." Steve says and begins walking out of the door. I'm speechless as I watch him get back into the plane and take off.

After a few stunned moments I slide the counter away just like Steve did and open the trap door. I put the crumpled paper inside the front cover of the red book and put it in my waistband. I go to Bucky and support him, which is easier said than done. Steve could have at least helped me with this part.

Slowly, I get the two of us down the stairs and sit Bucky down on a chair. I press the red button that's labeled "door" and watch as the trap door closes and I hear a mechanical lock engage. I sigh and look around the bunker. 

There is a collection of monitors showing a live feed of the property just like Steve said there would be. There are buttons below the monitors and I see the distress button. There's a couch and armchair in the main area of the bunker along with a bookshelf, a small television, a rundown stove, and a dated refrigerator with cabinets lining the wall. 

I go to open the two doors that are closed. One leads to a small bedroom, the other is a bathroom. As far as bunkers go, it could be a lot worse. I quietly close the doors and walk over to Bucky, once again brushing his hair with my fingers as I hum a quiet lullaby. It's going to be a rough few days.

[haejjoon]

had an absolutely bonkers day at work SO i reread the 5th chapter and immediately!! crops watered skin moisturiser anxiety gone im feeling so good now woah...........

moments i absolutely adore: goro knowingly utilizing gap moe, goro imitating ryuji and ryuji laughing with it, goro unused to being bickered over by HIS FRIENDS, the neat-o explanation for changing clothes in the metaverse, robin & ryuji, goro being a nerd and also loving the praise he gets but not allowing himself to bask in it for long, AKIRA

my bby is here again ive missed him 🥺🥺🥺 i love how nicely him appearing ties into with THE FOOL, because he sorta is one yeah? it's like a little nod to the canon p5 (where thematically akira can be said to be the fool, gaining enlightment and spirituality via his bonds as the game progresses; but also where yaldabaoth is the fool confidant AND is the one behind akira in the swap au). it's also a little 👀👀👀 with how goro unlocks the fool confidant the moment akira comes into the picture, like it's not just the ryuji-ann-morgana group who are the fool confidant for goro, akira is a necessary element there as well. also is goro suspecting something with those CLANG CLANG chains and cards? is he tying them to specific people in his mind and will he (mistakenly) tie the fool to akira?

um also i love love love what you do with the text formatting in those BREAKETH THY CHAINS sequences, it's very cool! and when you change the text in there a little bit, like turning "chains of captivity" into "captive" and then evolving it into "you are held captive" like woah...... foreshadowing!!

then the entire sequence of goro trying to understand why does he hate akira so much. lmao omg "he's so annoying and his smile is not ugly at all and also his lashes are soooo long. god what a fucking dick" goro babe please skdjeindosndj im very curious as to who will be the first to understand and acknowledge their feelings to the other. goro or akira akira or goro. goro is emotionally constipated akira is babygirl murderer place your bets

and then!!! goro immediately becoming suspicious bc of akira's slip up. it's going to bite everyone in the ass of course we know that but i can just FEEL how narratively satisfying it will be when everyone will write goro's suspicions off, like "nah goro's just got a hateboner for him" like ahhhh goro you're so correct but your actions and biases have led you here the cliff of your own doing

and then sojiro scene. the entirety of it. goro scrambling to fall back on some tried and true approach except sojiro's having none of that because HE. GENUINELY. CARES. poor monamona that whole breakdown and crying must've been so awkward for him

thank you again!!! ill keep saying it every time haha sorry this got so long im just. loving your work so much. truly a labor of love <33 hope you have a good day!!

before i say anything else, tumblr user nugylienshyd your asks are probably the very highlight of my days. i get SO giddy whenever i see your username pop up. im sorry i coudln't get to you until just now it's been such a day but (cracks knuckles)

GORO UTILIZING GAP MOE WAS SUCH A THROWAWAY LINE I WONT LIE HSKGLSD i was trying to figure out how to have him explain the difference between Pleasant Boy and Aspiring Axe Murderer and then i went wait. there's a term for this. gap moe. goro imitating ryuji also made me ugly laugh as all hell when the idea popped up into my mind because he would do that, wouldn't he.

AKIRAAAAA i'm glad you noticed the formatting ehe <3 ive said this before and i'll say it again, people need to utilize formatting more in fics!!! just because you're using words to create art doesn't mean you can't add a visual aspect to it as well!!! THE FOOL coinciding with akira's sudden appearance will forever be high point for my pride. i'm super happy with it. i'm glad you liked it too <3 (also your point about the phantom thieves somehow being incomplete and then akira appearing right when the bond formed is a neat one. i didn't mean to make it that way but damn thats an idea [writes down])

goro being a hater is another thing people need to use more often. listen its cute when he's like "akira :) responded to my date request hehe ok time to go to kichijoji" but its CUTER when he goes "look at this pathetic loser. he agreed to go on a date with me after Just One Text. this troglodyte. this buffoon" (asked him out in the first place)

and about goro immediately noticing akira's slip up!!!! of course he would. his entire thing is being Clever after all <3 iv ealso mentioned this in the past but i always found it so weird that ryuji and ann somehow picked up on pancakes so quickly? like these two are canonically the dumb blondes of the group..... and ur telling me... that they not only paid enough attention to morgana/akechi's words (ryuji SPECIFICALLY, who doesn't even like the two all that much at that point in time) to make the pancakes connection, but they ALSO remembered it enough to recall it to every new thief that joined their party??? really???????

im glad you liked the sojiro scene. it was honestly and truly such a long time coming, and they kind of... needed it? it was the only way goro could understand where sojiro was coming from, at least to me. goro's instinctive reaction to any unnatural behaviors is to lash out until the other person goes away or fights right back--both of which would be beneficial to him, at least in his perspective, because the strange threat is gone and he's back in his safe, lonely bubble. it's also why he was so taken aback when sojiro just... took it. he didn't expect him to agree. he didn't know what to do when he did.

thank you for such a well thought out ask, man <3 i did see this earlier last night, but i was in such a funk the whole day i couldn't collect my thoughts enough to respond to it properly until now. i hope your day's going well too. until next time <3

[arwainian]

My Reading This Week:

This is that stuff I have started, finished, or continued reading this wee! (So far not including articles for school, but maybe future editions of this style will) I'm trying to find something to do to catalogue the books I read for if twitter goes down sometime soon, but also to give myself a space to catalogue progress through things that take a while to read, or don't have a real point of being "done."

If I do this again, then the formatting will be subject to change as I do this more and come to conclusions about what works best about this for me! I also might move this to a non-tumblr blog, but right now tumblr suits me fine.

Started & Finished:

Delicious In Dungeon/Dungeon Meshi, volumes 10-11 by Ryoko Kui and translated by Taylor Engel

This manga delights me so so much. I love the art style and the tonal dissonance and all the characters and just... *chef's kiss* mwah. While reading these the other day I kept leaning over to my friend to show him panels I really liked. I'm actually considering tracking down where to read the chapters translated by fans before the official english volume translations come out bc i don't want to WAIT longer than I absolutely have to. But I also have enough to read already

A Restless Truth by Freya Marske

What's up, it's my brand, queer historical romance with fantasy elements! AND this has murder mystery elements too. This could not be more my shit. I don't tend to preorder books because I am... bad at buying books that I want to read? But I did actually preorder an ebook copy of this as a little gift for myself after I read A Marvellous Light, and I found this so delightful that I could not stop my hands moving. This books wins the coveted "made me jump up and down" prize, and the prize of immediately being recommended to a lesbian friend. Also @ Freya Marske's agent, I would have read the ghost threesome, how dare you keep it from me.

Started & Ongoing:

Boy Oh Boy by Zachary Doss

A very dear friend recommended this book to me after [redacted] last year and I finally got around to picking up a copy through Libby and starting to read it. It is very weird. But I think I'm enjoying it? And yeah, I can see why Tort recommended this to me in the wake of All That.

Ongoing Reads:

Blood Sisters: Vampire Stories by Women edited by Paula Guran

See it is big anthology books like this which are the first reason for the 'just plain ongoing' section. Tort also gave/recommended this one to me, if I am remembering correctly, because I am of course a vampire lover, of both the monstrous and scary-sexy variety. (Gosh this is a Tortoise heavy post) Anyway, I've tried reading a bunch of these in one sitting and can't really do it, so what I'll try is to read one short story from this collection per novella or novel that I read, so that I can make continued progress through it. So far I have read the first five stories in it:

A Princess of Spain by Carrie Vaughn Shipwrecks Above by Caitlín R. Kiernan The Fall of the House of Blackwater by Freda Warrington In Memory of... by Nancy Kilpatrick Where the Vampires Live by Storm Constantine

Aurora by Red (of Overly Sarcastic Productions)

comics with no end in current sight are the second reason for an ongoing section! This is fun, tropey fantasy fluff. This one updates three times a week and I do try to keep up, so to avoid being repetitive I probably won't mention it again unless i feel like there's something i Must say about it. but I feel good about finally having a place to say "hey! I'm reading this right now!"

There we go! Attempt number one of a non-twitter reading log, with all of the (non-school related) reading I did this week (and a bit before with that anthology). Also. this may or may not be the most formally formatted posts I have made to tumblr since I made those name-meaning posts for a bunch of homestuck characters, so please appreciate the effort I made

[pazodetrasalba]

Bookwormy stuff

Dear Caroline:

I imagine you are self-deprecating, as I don't think it fear to describe your goodreads as a 'cultural wasteland'. I will grant that it is a bit unusual, which probably comes as a function of you not coming too much of a humanistic background, with many reads that are oriented towards economics, femininity/relationships, light, fantasy-adjacent stuff and EA/Rationalist things also thrown into the mixture.

My archeology of your reconstructed goodreads is mostly 32 snapshots. Sometimes, your reviews are inaccessible, but for a few of them there is a tumblr copy. The range covers 5 years, starting in October 2017 with Morocco-related books that were your intellectual preparation for a family trip there and ends in October 8th, 2022 with Any Given Tuesday, just about a month before the Alameda unravelling. I have three further snapshots of 'wanting to read' or 'reading' - I suspect it's more of the former, as their dates on inclusion are varied, but go from 2018 to 2020.

I have as yet to find a bad recommendation of yours, where by bad I'd mean something that I didn't enjoy or didn't learn interesting things from, but then again, I've been mostly playing it safe, with 5 and 4 star ratings. There are some I have no idea how I'm going to get my hands on (I presume The Erogamer and The Northern Caves were always in digital format?). Very few classics, too, except for mostly Jane Austen things. Others I think are probably well worth skipping, unless you were to appear and strongly suggest me otherwise (the Numair Chronicles, the ones and two stars, and probably most of the three stars, and stuff I can't really see myself warming up to, like the Osage and OJ Simpson murders, The Aimee Leduc investigations, Crazy Rich Asians, Song of the Lioness, The Shipping Man and Patti Hearst's bio), but that still leaves enough books that at my current reading rate (one Caroline recommendation per month), I will still have book reviews to post one or two years from now - in fact, they will relatively soon becoming my only posts left to write, as I count on running out of other tumblr texts of yours to comment in no more than a couple of months from now.

After the trial (and it seems like it's going to be a long, depressing wait of 5 months until sentencing), I imagine you are suffering through some sort of weird limbo, were you can't really do anything normal, like getting a job and moving on with your life. Perhaps this will give you time for some (marginal, given the Sword of Damocles) time for relaxing and reading. Unfortunately, whatever you choose remains unreachable, which is a pity, as reading what you are currently reading would be the best proxy to actually talking with you.

Quote:

Reading is a conversation. All books talk. But a good book listens as well.

Mark Haddon

[capturedrook]

Getting Way Too Into An Online Astrology Reading

So I decided to check out a full astrology thing with the Chaos Astology site, and while I know a lot of it is purposefully vague so as to apply to everyone...It's super fun. Now, here's a really long post of me commenting on some of the stuff it said about me!

Firstly, it's worth acknowledging that I'm a Cancer Sun. So the baseline is emotional, maternal, homebody type stuff. Nourishing and moody and all that. Post is sorted by quotes that relate to each other rather than by planet or house or whatever.

Atmosphere

There was a lot of stuff about 'atmosphere' and 'imagination'.   "With the Sun placed in Cancer, you are very good at creating the receptive atmosphere and nurturing climate necessary for desires to grow and flourish." - From Sun in Cancer Well, I've kind of heard that my whole life. I think most people hear a lot of stuff about their sun sign growing up. I wonder how much that informs the way they act, knowing what's expected of them because of something like that? "A born creator of atmosphere, especially when it comes to the home and domestic surroundings." - From Moon Trine Neptune Cancer Suns are supposed to like, super love being home (and I do) so I guess that's fair enough...But doesn't everything kind of make atmosphere? Even no atmosphere or a clusterfuck is its own kind of atmosphere.   "You have real vision and insight into the unity that ties this world together. Your brilliant imagination and enchanting manner transport all who meet you beyond the mundane and into the extraordinary regions where you spend a lot of your time. You are a seer, in the true sense of the word, and possess a waking experience of that part of us that is mystical and dreamlike. You find new ways to bring people together, to unify situations. Unusual music." - From Uranus Conjunct Neptune What a fuckin' swerve at the end there. Unity, brilliant, enchanting, transport, extraordinary, seer, mystical, but your taste in music is weird. "You tend to radiate a dream-like quality that draws others to you. You are also highly receptive to environmental influences and to other people. More positively, you have a keen imagination, intuitive and creative gifts, coupled with the power of inspiration." - From Neptune in the 1st House Again with the 'dream-like' stuff. You know what else "radiates a dream-like quality"? Head trauma. Sleepiness. Brain fog. Some medications. Any scene in a movie that has fog and trees. The room where you fight Dark Link. Music by "In Love With a Ghost" (especially "Flowers"). Rainy, sleepy days with blankets. Afternoon burn-out from an overproductive morning. Metronomes, sometimes? "A built-in sense of what the public wants and the ability to come up with just the right image." -  From Moon Trine Neptune "You have great insights into what motivates the public, crowds, and the mind in general." - From Uranus Sextile Pluto I do?! That would be really handy, if it were true. "Yours is a lightning wit. You somehow know everything about everybody."  From Mercury in Gemini Apparently I don't, since I didn't know that about me. Checkmate.

Intensity

There was also a LOT of stuff about me being, uh, intense. I did say there was a lot of 'imagination' type stuff but the amount of messages that had 'intense' in it or similar ideas is...Intense. Hm.

"You are a hard worker; however, you need to pace yourself well in order to avoid stress-related illnesses." -  From Mercury in the 6th House Okay, that's not so bad. I know that's a problem I have and I can deal with it. That's fine.

"Ambitions are backed-up by the will to get things done, but can be very driven to the point of being too aggressive." -  From Sun Semisquare Mars Yeah, all right. I've also been told that from being a Slytherin...But I never really seem to get anything done, now do I?

"Comes on strong and tends to intimidate."  From Sun Sesquiquadrate Pluto (That's absurdly specfic) Especially when I'm excited. I try to keep a cap on it but when I get happy or excited about a New Thing, I tend to get loud and energetic. I also stand up during difficult fights in video games. "Not afraid of a good confrontation. This intensity puts self and others through a lot of changes." I am *very* afraid of a good confrontation, thank you very much! I don't even like going to the grocery store if there's too many people. Or talking to doctors. Or making phone calls.

"Big heart, big love, you are seldom petty. Given to grand gestures and dramatic scenes, you love freedom and greatness of feeling in your relationships."  -  From Venus in Leo This explains how dramatic absolutely all of my characters are but yeah, that can definitely come across as intense.

"Your drive to innovate, invent, and find new ways to use things is both well coordinated and intense." -  From Mars Trine Uranus  Intense again.

"You have a relentless drive to get at the heart of things, whatever is under the surface or behind the scenes. Your relentless pursuit of anything hidden or secret makes you a researcher or investigator bar none. Emotionally you are also hot stuff, rushing into areas and handling subject matter that others would never come near. Vulnerable issues, sensitive areas of the self, and psychology are the first places you head. This amounts to a passion with you. Those around you may find you just too intense to be around." -  From Mars opposite Pluto  More intense! Does this add or multiply?!

"You can work with sensitive and vulnerable psychological areas without batting an eye, and would be good at instructing others in these areas. Your keen mind and great analytical powers always manage to get at whatever motivation is beyond apparent behavior. You can see what is behind touchy and very personal matters." -  From Uranus Sextile Pluto For all that I'm making jokes about this, this kind of is a problem that I have. I tend to just cut right into it with total strangers and most people...Don't want that. But then some of them do and seek it out themselves, and so I end up spending my lunch break at work talking someone through trauma from her childhood and we're both happier for it, and I'm still proud that I got to help someone. That shouldn't take precedence over the fact that it makes people uncomfortable, though; I need to take care to slow down, check signals, and start with just...Being chill. I need to chill.

"You work with real imagination and understanding in areas of the mind that are the most personal or private -- depth psychology. You are like a midwife of the spirit, assisting at the birth of each individual going through a spiritual or re-birth process. You accept the natural process of birth, spiritual and physical, and have dedicated yourself to helping it along. You would make a great teacher in these areas." -  From Neptune Sextile Pluto  That isn't chilling, and "Midwife of the spirit" is both a very cool and very unsettling phrase.

"An in-fighter, with animal-like instincts, you love being where the action is most intense. Your penetrating mind gets through the B.S. and straight to the bottom line." -  From Jupiter in Scorpio  1. No, I don't like intensity! I get anxious! Bad! 2. Again, with the cutting to the core stuff. This is getting absurd.

"When you do enact a change, it is always at the deepest or core level and affects everything else in your life." -  From Saturn Semisquare Uranus  I think a core might have done something to me in a previous life because apparently I'm hunting them down systematically.

"You tear through appearances in an effort to get beneath, behind, and at the heart or essence. You may find psychology, initiation, mysticism and the occult of great interest. Intense personal change and inner growth are lifelong habits." -  From Pluto in Scorpio See?? But really, the occult and mysticism are both pretty interesting to me, obviously, since I'm reading this to begin with.

"Scorpio is intense, passionate, and very personal. It rushes past superficialities and right to the heart of any matter." "Scorpio loves to get involved, going down deeper, coming up dirtier, and laying bare anything that lies hidden there." -  From Scorpio on the 11th House Cusp How many things do this? I know 'intense' is a pretty vague direction for it to take but this is getting to be a really crazy amount of the same thing being said at me over and over. Can someone else do theirs and let me know how often it uses the word 'intense'? Maybe the writer just didn't have a thesaurus. Or had a list of buzzwords.

"Sagittarius is nothing if not direct, candid, and to the point, for this sign is always concerned with the absolute truth of the subject at hand." -  From Sagittarius on the 12th House Cusp   Is there such a thing as absolute truth, though? Truth is relative. 

"You value personal contact, cutting through all the externals and getting to the heart of things. You understand and appreciate vulnerability and have no compunction about presenting your own sensitive spots to others. You enjoy working behind the scenes, getting at secret and hidden areas of the mind and psyche. Changes and transformative experiences are where you like to be most.” - From Venus Square Pluto I do actually really dislike small talk and love when people just act like we've known each other for years already. Show up and talk to me about some personal shit. Tell me if you want me to just listen, advise, or comfort. Tell me how you feel about dreams and space and stuff. Talk about how much you've changed since you were in school, and how that makes you feel.

"You have an inner need for communication of all kinds and may have too many irons in the fire at times. You can be all over the place, always trying to make one more connection. Speaking and writing are natural interests."  - From Mars in Gemini Shhhhh. Let me have my irons. It's a very big forge, it'll be fine.

Philosophy

"Outlook is mainly philosophical, optimistic and content. " -  From Sun Trine Jupiter If you have to tell someone they're content...

"You also have a great interest in ideas, the more true and lasting the better. Philosophical concepts will be a lifelong concern for you. " -  From Mercury Trine Jupiter Gee, that doesn't sound fun. Can we not do that?

"You may fear the deeper, mystical side of life and need to give more freely of both your time and understanding, for you will find that giving out to others in this way helps to lessen your own burdens." -  From Saturn in Pisces ...What did I *just* say?

Misc:

"Restless. Good memory and strong powers of recall." -  From Moon Semisquare Mercury Maybe long-term; I can remember the pattern on the fabric inside my baby swing looked like. Short-term, I'm not even sure what I ate today, let alone for breakfast yesterday.

”You are well suited to dealing with the public and could enjoy professional success in personnel work, sales, the arts, entertainment industry, or the counseling fields.” - From Venus in the 7th House

The Seventh House: "The seventh house, the descendant - opposite of the ascendant - is connected with partnerships, relationships and 'significant others'. Here is where we learn to strike a balance - the art of give and take." Oh, okay. I wonder how mine contradicts with- Cancer on the 7th House Cusp “Cancer is the mother of the zodiac, always making a home, protecting and providing a foundation for others. A sensitive sign where feelings and real experience count more than cold logic, it doesn't get any more physical and emotional than this." I have doubled down, repeat, DOUBLED DOWN on feelings. "You have stable emotions and tend to form strong attachments to the past, perhaps to the extent of making you resistant to change." - From Moon in Taurus Does this lessen the other stuff? Are we bad to a x1 emotional multiplier instead of a x2? "Capricorn is the business head of the zodiac, for it is the very opposite of the emotional Cancer."  -  From Capricorn on the 1st House Cusp Is that...Is that bad for a Cancer Sun? Am I gonna split in half? Or, wait. Does that even it out to a 0 because of the Taurus thing?

"Magnificent willpower. " - From  Sun Sesquiquadrate Pluto Roll to disbelieve. Also, can we acknowledge what ‘ Sesquiquadrate’ means? “An aspect in which two planets are separated by an angle of 135 degrees.”  It’s like the pose in Bloodborne where you show the Great Ones you do, in fact, understand math.  “-however, you may need to guard against dictatorial inclinations, as these will cause unfavorable reactions in others.” - From Pluto in 10th House I may need to WHAT "A special gift for spanning generation gaps; bringing older and younger spirits together."   - From Sun Sextile Moon I know what this actually means, but I love the idea of it implying I’m some kind of ghost relationship expert. 

Blatantly wrong, so wrong it offends me:

"You are very interested in tradition and tend to be dignified and conservative. You believe in an orderly society led by benevolent monarchs - those who can see what to do." - From Neptune in Capricorn No??? That sounds HORRIBLE. What?! Tradition is stupid, dignity is overrated, I am never conservative about anything, an orderly society is how people lose their spark, and monarchies are the worst decision you could make. Okay? Okay. "Voluptuousness and eroticism are implied." - From  Moon Square Venus I'm 5'3" and 100lb, how "voluptuous" do you think I can be?? "An optimistic and charming nature; this is a very favourable feminine combination." - From Moon Square Venus This is just flat-out gross.

And then I reopened the page to check something, and now it says the Sun is in the 6th House, not the Seventh. Is this checking where it is now, not where it was when I was born? Next I ought to use a different site and see if it says planets are in literally any of the same places this does.  EDIT: I went through and updated/removed the stuff that was out of whack. For some reason, sometimes it opened using one timezone and sometimes using another. I don’t know why. I changed it to only use info from the one with the accurate timezone. Disappointingly, none of the ones I really hate changed.  Anyway, that’s it! If anyone who actually knows anything about astrology wants to give their take on it or talk about this, let me know! It’s been...Something.