#cancer and/or leo i still cant figure it out

[tannieastrology]

Ranting about my crush

This is gonna be a long rant so be prepared! I’m gonna start by telling you our placements.

He is a Gemini Rising, Cancer Sun, Capricorn Moon, Leo Venus, Virgo Mars

I am a Libra Rising, Aquarius sun, Scorpio Moon, Capricorn Venus, Gemini Mars

So about three or four years ago in 6th grade I had met him in school because we had a class together for history. At first sight I never really thought much of him. He wasn’t my type (he’s very short) and we never talked much. He was just any other boy I knew in class and I remember actually liking an upperclassman at the time.

A year later in 7th grade the feelings for the upperclassman went away and I was crush-free. Me and him joined crosscountry for the first semester and we started talking a little more. It wasn’t much, I mean, I can only remember talking to him like 3 or 4 times, but everytime we talked he was always harsh and sarcastic. Maybe it was because I was a top athlete and student at the time so maybe he was bitter because he was struggling in athletics? I’m not sure because honestly, I’m still trynna figure that out. He was always supportive when I ran though and I can remember the times when he used to cheer me on. We had no classes together and we were not important to each others lives at all. Thats all I can remember from our interactions that year.

Now the third year, which was 8th grade last year, was when things started to change. I had about four classes with him and we also had extracurriculars outside of school like choir and athletics. I used to talk to his friends and they used to tease me a lot because thats just how we talk to each other. I guess he saw I was comfortable with their bickering so he got in on it and now, that’s our regular way of talking because that’s how we bonded. Our relationship is weird to say the least. Its like provoking the other gives a certain satisfaction. The constant insults, the competitiveness, the jokes, and time spent together all eventually made me fall for him. It wasnt until my birthday in January that made me realize I liked him. No happy birthday came through from him, but then again, we’re not close. After that, everything he did started to do upset me. It made me wonder. Why does he talk to me like that? Does he hate me? Or do I hurt his ego? It was just that he actually started to insult me and started to make sterotypical racist jokes even when I asked him countless of times to stop. Cause I’m Indian and he’s Vietnamese right, so he thought it was okay to make those types of jokes because he’s asian too. The fact that I like him made me more sensitive to what he said compared to other people. Because he never talks to anyone else like that and we werent even that close for him to be talking to me in that way. Each day my mood depended on how he talked to me. I got obsessed and I used to zone out wondering if he liked me back. What made everything more complicated was that he liked 2 other girls. The first girl was my friend. They liked each other in 6th grade but they were too shy to approach each other. When 7th grade came around he started liking the 2nd girl. He was really down bad for the second girl and still is. My friend had asked him out during the first semester but he said no because he like the 2nd girl more. Throughout the year all of our laughs and bickering eventually had alot of people shipping us including my science teacher because they think we have a enemies to lovers relationship. All I can say is that he had me on edge. Ive never felt this strongly about anyone before. He was nice one day when he needed answers and then the next day he was back to annoying me. I’m not gonna lie sometimes it was really cute but a majority of the times he crossed the line. So much happened within the year that I cant even explain everything but all I know is that I’m down bad.

Now freshman year has rolled around. I have no classes with him which is great because I’m trying to move on but its not working. The girl he’s liked for three years got asked out by his best friend to homecoming and I’m sitting here hoping for more. In the summer I talked to him over text and told him to back off the insults which clearly didnt work. I tried to ignore him and be nice to him so many times but he always comes back and bothers me. And this bitch always stares at me so intensely like he wants to kill me. Its frustrating that he got me stuck in this endless loop of mind games. I dont know how things are gonna end up. Ive held this in for so long I just needed to let it out. Thank you for listening.

Heres the synastry and composite chart in case yall want to see. He’s blue and I am red

I’d love to hear about your story of unrequited crushes! Please leave a comment and tell me what you think of him and why he acts like that!

-Simi

[graffiastrology]

The Signs as Evermore

So I made this some time back but never got around to publish it, as I test this new format I decide to bring it back in a similar fashion than the folklore one.Also Since evermore and folklore are sisters, the songs that i selected for each sign somehow share a link

Aries: Ivy

“Spring breaks lose but so does fear” this song is the perfect companion to peace, they warned you could never have peace with me and now this is the fight of our lives, but is not our love worth fighting for?

So yeah, it's a fire It's a goddamn blaze in the dark And you started it You started it So yeah, it's a war It's the goddamn fight of my life And you started it You started it

Taurus: Right where you left me

Same theme that cardigan but different ending, what happens when James doesn't get back to you? you get frozen in time, living in delusion

Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion? Break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it She's still 23 inside her fantasy And you're sitting in front of me

Gemini: Cowboy like me

Oh to meet someone who is like you but in a different way, a twin of sorts, this is a tale of freedom and escapades, a partner in crime because every pirate needs a cowboy, aim right?

Now you hang from my lips Like the Gardens of Babylon With your boots beneath my bed Forever is the sweetest con

Cancer: Happiness

like the moon moves in circles, so does emotions, and maybe you are in pain now but you can see you will move on and find happiness just has the moon moves from phase to phase and everything looks different under the light of a full moon

I hope she'll be a beautiful fool Who takes my spot next to you No, I didn't mean that Sorry I cant see facts through all my fury

Leo: Gold Rush

Gold and august, 2 things related to the sign of leo, mostly, this song makes me believe that Joe is a leo rising

What must it be like To grow up that beautiful? With your hair falling into place like dominos

Virgo: Champagne problems

Direct association with the sign because usually virgo season is when the grapes that make the champagne are coleted and pressed, but in a mercurial angle the song is about mental health.

Your Midas touch on the Chevy door November flush and your flannel cure "This dorm was once a madhouse" I made a joke, "Well, it's made for me"

Libra: Marjorie

So Marjorie was a libra sun, but also the song is all about seeking the balance in life. Umm both song I chose for libra are about the Swift women.

Never be so kind, you forget to be clever Never be so clever, you forget to be kind

Scorpio: No body no crime

You made her go mad now suffer the consequences, if in Mad Woman the good wives decided to stay silent while misogyny was taking place, in NBNC women come together and fix a injustice with their own hands

I think he did it but I just can't prove it No, no body, no crime But I ain't letting up until the day I die

Sagittarius: Tis is the damn season

Not only is it literally about the ending of Sagittarius season, but also is accompanied by the freedom and ambitions that the archer represents, I can also say that is so sag moving from your old town to purse your dreams.

Time flies, messy as the mud on your truck tires Now I'm missing your smile, hear me out We could just ride around And the road not taken looks real good now And it always leads to you in my hometown

Capricorn: Long story short

After the tribulations that Saturn offered in this is me trying, is time to look back and breathe in relief, congratulations you have survived the hardest times!

Past me I wanna tell you not to get lost in these petty things Your nemesis Will defeat themselves before you get the chance to swing

Aquarius: Dorothea

I know that friendships with aquarians are very lasting, and even if there are benefits, they just let their friends to be free. It mirrors TLGAD since both songs center around an empowered female figure.

Hey Dorothea Do you ever stop and think about me? When it was calmer Skipping the prom Just to piss off your mom And her pageant schemes

Pisces: Willow

It is just a continuation to invisible string, literally since the video shows but this time we get to see the journey that followed the invisible string, and it's so magical and mystical thing, the lyrics are full of magic and analogies.

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind (oh) Head on the pillow, I could feel you sneaking in As if you were a mythical thing Like you were a trophy or a champion ring And there was one prize I'd cheat to win

[skeletonsonline]

The Signs of Steven Universe

Steven : Leo - The only gem to not match their stone’s metaphysical astrological associations, which makes perfect sense because he’s NOT Rose Quarts OR Pink Diamond, he’s Steven! Leo is the sign of the ego, of self discovery and identity formation, a huge theme in the series. Leo as rules the heart, and if anything, a Leo’s super power is friendship and loyalty. His shield is shaped like the astrological Sun glyph.  Pearl : Cancer - Closed off yet over protective, cancers have many layers to peel back before their true emotions show. Quick to anger but hard to reach, like a crabs touch exterior equipped with scissor like claws. Pearl’s spear is a perfect example of keeping distance while still taking on the fight. The placement of her gem, her forehead, is reference to the High Priestess. Just as Steven traveled through her memories, the priestess reveals many untold secrets. 

Amethyst : Pisces - Rude and crude, but empathetic and caring. A Pisces is one to either die for dogma or to strive for spiritual freedom, and nobody rejects the mold more than Amethyst. Her whip is a symbol of the Pisces, two fish swimming in opposition, yet eternally tied together by the umbilical cord.

Garnet : Aquarius - The perfected balance of self control and stability. Aquarius is the distant leader, one who values rationality over emotional excitement. Quite, almost shy, but stern and sure in themselves. Aquarius is the fountain of knowledge being poured out into the world, an Garnet’s gauntlets are the jugs carrying the water of truth. Aquarius is also the rebel, one who rejects the practice of society but still holds it’s universal morals close. In this way, Aquarius is closely associated with the sexual and queer liberation movement, just as Garnet was the first cross fusion to ever exist.  Ruby : Aries - Hot tempered lover! Acts first, thinks later. Fun and exciting, but don’t her get a head of herself.

Sapphire : Capricorn - Capricorn is always planing and thinking about their future, not at all unlike Sapphire’s future sight. Peridot : Virgo - Too much attention to details will drive a Virgo to stubbornness and self oppression, but once that habit is broken, an artist is born! Ruled by mercury, Virgos love to communicate, observe, study and engage in both a piratical and intellectual level. They often assume more responsibility than is reasonable, and may take rejection of ideas as personal insults, but deep down they just want to serve and make others happy and comfortable. BONUS - while i currently cant find any connection to metal, beyond my own unverified theories of symbolism, I recognize Magento (X-Men) as a Virgo archetype, so im sure im on to something with that, haha.

Lapis Lazuli : Sagittarius - Strong, independent, powerful, and completely and utterly unsure of themselves. Sagittarius value their freedom and personal agency above all else, and often reject and fear ideas of commitment in all forms. This plays out in Lapis’ character arc - confined to the mirror, imprisoned on home world, trapped with Jasper, and then stuck on Earth. Due to these fears of being “locked in” without choice of freedom, Sagittarius is quick to flee, which vibes nicely with their desires to philosophize, travel, explore and learn. This is representing by her wings. She also resembles the figure from the tarot card “Temperance” which features an angel pouring water from one cup to another, the water symbolizing the emotional and spiritual alchemy that they strive to internally balance.  Jasper : Scorpio - Death, Sex, Rebirth and Transformation, these are the eternal themes of the Scorpio archetype. Scorpio has the tendency to self oppress by holding themselves to impossible standards, while refusing help from others and isolating themselves by expecting the impossible from others as well. Scorpio, in her lowest aspect, as a controlling and hostile nature. Jasper fits all these themes, eventually to her detriment of transformation via corrupt fusions. Scorpio is ruled by both Mars and Pluto, with Pluto’s helmet being the inspiration for her own crash helm. BONUS - Not trying to hate on Scorpio, they aren’t evil people, well not any more evil than anyone else is capable of, just an internally conflicted incarnation. Another Scorpio in SU is Lars (get it? Lars/Mars? haha) and although he is a major prick, his aggression is a reflection of his own insecurities. His story is currently turning around though, his physical death and resurrection parallels the metaphorical death a Scorpio must experience to live - to relinquish control and submit to life, learning to live with the universe and not against it.

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There are so many more I wanted to include with this, but for now I’ll just stick to the main cast of Gems. I plan to do a list of all the other gems and the beach city residents too! Follow for more Astrological Archetypes in Pop Culture, and other Metaphysical & Esoteric topics!

[black-wolf-spirit]

Tag 20 Followers You Want To Get To Know Better!

Tag 20 Followers You Want To Get To Know Better!

Nicknames: I don't really have any. I guess just wolf, or spirit if we’re talking about my tumblr name.

Gender: Meh, female.

Star Sign: Leo. Though I act mostly like a verge and cancer combined. 

Height: 5′ 3″

Hogwarts House: Gryffindor. I actually just took the test last week for the first time. I always thought id be anything but Gryffindor. Go figure.

Favorite Color: Mostly greens and blues.

Current Time: 1:33PM

Average Number of Hours Slept: Eh, well I got 8 hours last night, but I went to bed at 4:00AM and got up super late. When I’m not working I usually sleep way to much, and when I am working I get like 6-4 hours of sleep. Pfff my sleep schedule needs help.

Lucky Number: 22?

Last Thing I Googled: DND Dragons 

Favorite Fictional Character: Oh jeez, I can never pick just one! Meh, ok lets see....Well Sans (undertale), Balto (Balto), Danny Phantom (Danny Phantom), Princess Mononoke (Princess Mononoke), Lucy (Little Witch Academia), T.K.O. (OK K.O. Let’s be Heroes.) Bismuth ( Steven Universe) Donatello (TMNT).........eh, The list could keep going.

Number of Blankets I Sleep With: Usually around 3 light ones.

Favorite Bands / Artists: Oh man, this is another really hard one. Um... Enya, Imagine Dragons, Audiomachine, Two Steps From Hell, Sleeping at Last, Barns Courtney, Lindsey Stirling.

Dream Trip: Maybe a tropical island? Though I’d really like to visit Bhutan again. Heck I’d live there!

Dream Job: Honistly, I’m not really sure. I know I really want to work with wolves hands on, Like studying wild packs an tracking them, checking radio colars, etc. But working with any kind of wildlife sounds pretty rewarding. I know I also want to do something with art, I’m just not sure what yet.

What I’m Wearing Right Now:  I still haven't gotten out of my spider man pj’s

When I Made This Blog: 2013 or 2014? I cant really remember exactly.

How Many Blogs I follow:  930. Damn...

Posts: 28,169... though to be fair, over half of those are reblogs. I didn't start posting my own art until recently. I really need to clean up this blog.

What I Post About:  Art, art tutorials, my own stuff (mostly art related), Undertale stuff, Wolf pictures, things I find cute or funny from various fandoms, natural disaster updates, tumblr friends artwork.

When My Blog Reached It’s Peak: Um......Maybe two years ago? Its still pretty unknown.

Do I Get Asks Everyday: Nope. Whenever I do though, my anxiety kicks in and I don't get back to the asks for weeks. I’m terrible lol. Sorry guys! <3

How / Why I Chose My Username  Well, I love wolves, and white wolf spirit was already taken from Balto, so I just though BlackWolfSpirit sounded cool I guess.

OK! Tag time (Thank you @dazedogdraws for taging me! <3)

@swiftspillsartblog, @maskedfoxy @mega-moth, @robofeather, @bexcanary@cheap-wizardry,@alldrawn-up, @skidar, ... and who ever else sees this and want to do it.

[totallyrealhoroscopesdaily]

2/18/2018 Horoscope

Aries: You are pretty certain that you are not gay. You’re open enough to the idea that if some guy comes along and you think, oh I wanna tap that, then you won’t panic, but you haven’t met that guy. Death is not that guy. You think you made him think that he was.

Taurus: You. You. You care. You care a lot. Today you have a conscious and you care and it hurts, because what have you done. Its all your fault, you ruined it, you killed them, you killed all of them, oh gods above. Even in this guilt and suffering, this mental spiral, you find yourself reveling in this, for this is pretty, this is something almost new, and you feel guilty for it, but god do you love it. This day will end soon, and so will your care, and you're guilty for that, too.

Gemini: You should try to write it down. Maybe if you can assign words to describe the event, then it’ll lose some of it’s power.

Cancer: It’s not dark, it’s almost too bright, and the light isn’t orange anymore, it’s faded to a red. You don’t know how to get out, you weren’t marking your path in, and are these paths moving? The ground feels soft under your feet, squishing unpleasantly, you thought this was stone before. Ridali is dead weight behind you and you try to drag him with you. You think the walls are pulsing, and you cant breathe. The air is thick, it’s sweet, it’s rotten, there’s something wrong with it, you can’t breathe. You don’t know how to get out and Ridali isn’t waking up and you can’t breathe and you’re getting light headed and the paths seems to be changing even as you walk them and is t getting brighter and you’re sorry Ridali that was a bad bump and you are hungry and thirsty and you can’t find the exit and your lungs are collapsing the air is too heavy and you. pass. out.

Leo: You’ll win, tonight. You’ll actually get drinks, because you 3 want to be drunk. Fira will kiss you and you’ll shove her off of you, because she’ll be drunk. You’ll come to the realization that you might not mind it if she tried it again while sober, and you’ll choke on your swig of beer.

Virgo: You do some digging, trying to figure out what happened to your heads. 

Libra: You take more notice of the magicals that visit your shop. More specifically, how they enter and leave hunched and defensive, only relaxing for the time it takes them to find and buy candy from you or to drop off their children. You aren’t in a magical neighborhood, and you’re starting to think you aren’t in a very magic friendly one. You smile widely at them, making sure they feel welcome, not letting any hint of the seething inside that you feel. You are bitter, and angry, and, if you’re honest?, hurt. You thought the world was fair and justice would always win, but turns out that ain’t the case and you feel lied to.

Scorpio: I believe that would be a bad idea.

Sagittarius: After an unknown amount of time (Time? What is that?), you see the old lady. You don’t have eyes, you have nothing to see her with, yet you still see her and you don’t know how. She didn’t walk up, she wasn’t there and then she was, or maybe you couldn’t see her and then she let you. She’s just standing there, in an empty void. Nothing around her, nothing for her to stand on, just there is front of you. (Do you have a front?) She says you’ve been here a while, dearie, you should follow her. You’re about to ask how, but then suddenly you have a body and you fall to the non-existent ground, gasping with new lungs. Oh good, you think with a fragile sort of edge, you can taste yourself again. You missed that. The old woman tuts at you, then turns around and starts walking in the opposite direction form you. You quickly haul yourself up and follow her, mainly because looking into the void around you makes your mind start to fragment and shriek and you don’t want to be left alone in here again. The old woman may be an eldritch monstrosity, and you may be terrified of her, but she is something and that has to be better than the nothingness. It has to.

Capricorn: So, you found a weather station for another country, and it’s surreal. Like, their weather is based on seasons? Not plot? Apparently they get snow and cold in winter, the only time you ever see snow is if it’s for a holiday special. Honestly, that’s just bizarre. You glance outside, looking for signs of this “Winter”, but, yeah, nope, just a normal sunny day with a few picturesque fluffy clouds. This might just be a new series, but honestly, if they want to start off so bizarre, they should at least be less boring so that you have a reason to suspend your disbelief. 

Aquarius: You follow your routine. You have a pile of hexipuffs that Linda lets you stuff with her stuffing. You go buy more yarn, not getting any new colors, just replacing what colors you’ve used. You also buy scissors, because that’d probably be better than just chewing at the yarn when you’re not at Linda’s house. You put the scissors on your shelf.

Pisces: Rose comes up in their marshmallow coat. You ask what happened to the one you made them, she says the matron took it. The matron said it wasn’t safe, that she shouldn’t have it. You tell Rose that it’s okay. You don’t let her see that you are angry. You can understand where the matron is coming from, really you can, but that was a gift that you worked very hard on.

[crabbullshit-blog]

astrology & language

Feb 18th - hi pisces season :~)

what i love about astrology is: the more i learn the less i know. this is my favourite way to proceed in any situation, but it doesn’t bode well with people who care about knowing the most. who care about knowing more than you. who feel especially threatened if you want to learn about something they don’t, or cant. once, after a reading i did, during which i read a poem with astrological content, an acquaintance approached me and asked me why i would bother writing a poem & then “include such a pre-established system in it”? (i’m obviously paraphrasing here) i didn’t know how to answer this, partially because it felt like an especially unnecessary question, an especially inopportune moment to ask it, and an especially absurd premise to begin with. but this is always how it goes - the person who approaches you after your performance is almost never the person you want it to be - it’s someone who wants to poke a hole in you, ensure that you don’t feel too proud, or happy with yourself. on the night in question, i not only fielded this inquiry from my peer, i also dealt with an older man who followed me around, cornered me, told me he “loved my delivery” and then reached inside my shirt. once i lost him the first time, he pretended to leave the event but very conspicuously circled around my friends & i, presumably waiting for me to be alone again.

it was a difficult question to answer because it wasn’t untrue, it was just. a strange place, in my opinion, to draw a line. when i’m writing, or making art of any kind, i’m always operating within, borrowing, enlarging, minimizing, and amending systems that already exist. this is so true i don’t even know where to begin taking inventory of them. language itself is a system. & one that exercises incredible control, very insidiously.

language is what makes astrology feel resonant, or asinine. recently, a friend of mine asked me to write to her about her “houses.” (a treat!!& very daunting) all the reading i’ve done suggests that houses are incredibly difficult to grasp, and crucial to understanding the scope of a natal chart. according to everywhere, it “can take years” to understand them well. & there is no shortage of interpretations available.

when i started looking into them, the sheer amount of information was overwhelming. there are a lot of contradictions & it was a challenge to connect the houses, & their respective (and occasionally overlapping?) meanings, which, for some reason felt important. as it turned out, paying close attention to language is what allowed me to start parsing their significance, and their relationship(s) to each other.

very crudely put, the first 6 houses, which fall beneath a chart’s horizontal axis, speak largely to activities that take place within you, & between you & those (human & non-human) who are closest to you. the last 6 houses, 7-12, pertain more to how you move thru & engage the world in a larger sense. so far, the idea i’ve found that appeals to me the most is: houses as impulses. in this schema, the houses are broken down like this:

this diagram is from: https://iordanus.com/misunderstanding-the-astrological-houses-means-misunderstanding-important-parts-of-your-personality/

like all systems, this one leaves something to be desired, (built upon) but it gets me thinking in new ways that i appreciate. (can u figure out which sign “rules” which house, based on the affirmations?) something i really like about this wheel in particular is how easy it is to see the relationships between the houses(& signs, & planets) especially those that oppose one another. it is clear that there is a distinct relationship between:

the 1st house, (Aries) “I am” & the 7th house (Libra) “I collaborate”

the 2nd house (Taurus) “I have” & the 8th house (Scorpio) “I doubt”

the 3rd house (Gemini) “I think” & the 9th house (Sagittarius) “I evolve”

the 4th house (Cancer) “I feel” & the 10th house (Capricorn) “I understand”

the 5th house (Leo) “I want” & the 11th house (Aquarius) “I share”

the 6th house (Virgo) “I control” & the 12th house (Pisces) “I transcend”

admittedly, the affirmations for the 2nd house & the 6th house really leave me cold.

let’s consider the 2nd house briefly, just to illustrate the difference a word can make. my most cursory search revealed that the 2nd house has to do with: money & possessions. (the “i have” above seems in line with this.) but it felt, if not incorrect, then incomplete. how can the house that follows my 1st, my ascending sign, my chart ruler, the source of my individuality, be concerned with money? is that what follows the inception of the self? maybe it is now, in 2019, but was it always? i kept digging and came up w/ the words “resources” & “values.” which felt better, but still off. then, eventually, i read the word, needs & a little click. after i am born, and breathing, the first thing i know is what i need. money & possessions are needs, can & do make the difference between life & death, but they are not spiritually relevant, though they do sustain & enhance life. to me, it was important to assemble a definition that takes into account the nature of needs that are not only material, but psychic, emotional, intellectual, et all.

so astrology is a system, but surely the issue isn’t whether i (or we) use systems, but which ones i use, & how. astrology unfurled when i started relating it to the ecosystem. permit me to talk about a potentially contentious sign, to illustrate this. in contemporary astrology scorpios are perhaps most known for their sexuality, but (apparently) in ancient astrology this was not the case. they were merely associated with the unconscious. with what is dormant, repressed, or underneath. this, of course, can encompass sexuality, but isn’t exclusive to it. overt sexuality was more closely associated with the 5th house, and with its ruler, leo, and its exuberance & playfulness.

since sexuality has been so diligently buried, denigrated and hidden, it doesn’t surprise me that it would become so  associated with certain planets, houses, & signs, but i think that may have more to do with our current moment, than the cycle astrology attempts to elucidate. now, when i think about signs, i think about what is happening around me during that time of year: so what’s happening during scorpio season? most of the growth we’ve spent the spring & summer caring for & luxuriating in is expiring. we r at the zenith of its decomposition. leaves fall off & litter the ground. stems and stalks shrink and their colours change. their textures change. yes, it can look bleak, even alarming, when everything returns to the dirt. it may look less beautiful & less abundant than the seasons that preceded it, but if we could lift up the soil like a blanket, we would see that that couldn’t be further from the truth: how gorgeous & complicated it is that all the nutrients return to the whole.

brussel sprouts come into season (roughly, & depending on where you are) during sag season, but they, & certain other brasicas (turnips, cabbages,) which can & do grow during other times of the year supposedly taste better (or differently) after harsh frosts. (brought by sag & cap season) i can’t help but revel in finding out things like this, coveting them, holding them, building off of them before anything else. it inevitably reminds me of barthes, in his chapter on (love?) objets, called The Ribbon, in which he writes about the japanese poetic form, the haiku, which necessarily contains the kigo, the season word. amorous notation, he writes, retains the kigo. one word, at least, that speaks to the natural conditions love grows in. in my unprofessional opinion, astrology is nothing short of amorous notation. accounting for our bodies, what happens inside them, between them, around them, above them.

Remedios Varo, Naturaleza muerta resucitando (Still Life Reviving). 1963. Oil on canvas, 110 x 80 cm.

[sterted]

This is lengthy. Please, allow me to do this. For one last time. Huli na to. I honestly dont know where to start, i suck at intros. Idk if you still remember it, i said it to you one time. It doesn't matter. Franz Ernest, this is a eulogy to all the feelings and love i have left of you. Please, let me do this. 6 months after you broke up with me, i managed to build myself up again. I was depressed back then, stuck in the idea of second chances and coming back. I managed to find myself in the process. During those 6 months, it wasn't easy. I had to cry everyday, every night, just to ease the pain and self-pity i had with myself. Until i decided to accept things as they were. I thought i was already okay. I started to open my heart again in silence. I dated one guy. Things were too fast for us, i wasnt able to control myself, i let him touched my skin. But he was an asshole.

The pain didn't last too long, naging okay din ako after don sa kanya ng ilang weeks. I was surprised. I started to pick myself up again. There were handful of guys na nagpaparamdam but i wasn't ready anymore. Pero hinayaan ko lang. I entertained them. Everything became a play nalang sa akin. I wasn't looking for serious relationship bc i know, hindi sila yung hinahanap ko. Hindi ko alam anong hinahanap ko.

I was lost again. I fucked things up. I drank countless bottles of beer and whiskey and tequila. I smoked countless cigarettes. I tasted a couple of lips. I fucked many feelings i didn't intend to. I hurt people's feelings. I was called bad influence for having my bestfriend with me sa mga inuman. I was so fucked up i didn't realize the consequences of my actions. I self-loathe every night. I was depressed again. Anxiety kicked back in. I cried in front of my family, all they knew was bc the problem i had with my academics but no. I ruined friendships bc i hurt somebody else's feelings. I felt like i ruined everything, everyone, that's in my way. Life goes on after all. The world didn't stop rotating. I carry on. Even if it feels like im hanging at the edge of a cliff every single day but i still carry on. All these things happened the day you and teejay broke up. You were so depressed. I was wandering in nothingness with you when you were in your peril. Funny lang kasi ikaw yung may pinagdaraanan nun pero affected din ako sa lahat. To be honest, happy ako sayo non Franz. I have witnessed you grow as a person. Like a phoenix, you said, that rose from the ashes. Since the beginning i never lose sight of you, figuratively. There wasn't a day that i never checked your social media accounts. Facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram, snapchat, and even skype. I walked your path. There's nothing to be ashamed of, if you know what i mean. You had to do those things that you did because it was part of your healing process from me. I broke you too and you had to do things that an ex should do — move on and fall in love again.

I wont lie that i was hurt knowing that you had already someone new in your life, but God knows how much i wanted you to be happy, and i knew you were happy, and your happiness was my happiness. It was painful seeing how clingy and showy you were with him, unlike what we had before when we remained our privacy to the both of us with a thin line of secrecy. But again, i was happy for you. I understood your eagerness to be a better man, a better partner, boyfriend. You wanted to be better at everything so you wont commit the same mistake again you did by hurting someone, by making them less of your priority. You wanted to be a better person, you wanted to be braver that love should be showed off regardless of sexuality. I was proud that at some point, you learned, i became a lesson. You dont have to say it bc i know. I've always known.

I was happy for you until that time came you two broke up. You were so depressed. I felt the emptiness and despair you had in those times. Because i once lived in them. I had witnessed you in your downfall and worst. I had crawled in your skin to understand every bit of your thought. I knew about your depression and your anxiety and i was gnashing my teeth bc i can do nothing about it. I was out of the map already. But there were countless times that i was tempted to reach out, countless times i composed a letter. Dont laugh but i sent letters/confessions countless times in those fb pages, for i knew you were fond of reading them. I was hoping you read what i wrote but maybe destiny had it, none of it was posted. You know what i did? I prayed for you every night. I prayed to God to heal you and make you recover from your peril. But you knew i am stubbornly impatient. I did one of the most stupidest things, i messaged your sister, Stephanie. I said to her to look after you for i know you were not very open to your family about your depression and anxiety. I told her that you need professional guidance. Remember my friend who was a psychologist? I told her about your depression and anxiety, and she told me that you really are in need of professional guidance, so i told your sister. I know i should've not said that but i was so desperate to help you in the most possible way i knew. I got a pang in my chest seeing and reading all your posts. I did what i did. Idk, if nabasa yon ng ate mo, it doesnt matter. I guess..

It all started there. My anxiety and depression kicked back in. I was appeased knowing that slowly you were recovering and i didn't realize that slowly too, i was going back to where i picked up myself. From the start. Back to zero. Nag move on ako ulit, and without realizing again, hindi pala ako totally nag move on. Ikaw pa din pala. All along, ikaw pa rin. I ignored the thought. But you cant just ignore it so easily. I fucked things up. Yung mga sinabi ko kanina, yun yung nangyari sa loob ng tatlong buwan. I dont know myself anymore, i lose myself in the process and this time idk where myself is. Everything became a snowball of problem. I lose my control, i lose myself, i was having suicide thoughts of ending everything. I dont want to die but the idea of ending the pain became very alluring. I was scared to be left alone. I stare at my ceiling every 3am doing nothing. Listening to the songs that we used to listen to. Umiiyak ako ng hindi ko namamalayan. I relive the pain everyday. I've been stuck in the idea of you, in the idea na there's no other person who could make me feel the way you made me feel how to love and how to be loved by someone who is very genuine. You set the bar high, so high, that i ignore every person who came into my life. You set the bar so high that i become scared to be hurt again. I have been stuck in the idea na babalik ka. I have been very selfish and dishonest in my prayers that every time i asked God to make you happy, deep inside me has been asking Him na sana ikaw na, na ikaw nalang.

Sorry, i have to say all of these things. I have to and i need to. I hope you understand. Deep in my heart and God knows, i am not blaming you to every thing that has happened to me. There's no one to be blamed but myself. Do not blame yourself for I am not your liability. You are not obligated of anyone's feelings especially mine. You have perils to deal on your own even if i wasn't in it anymore. For one last time please let me say this. Let me relive the ghosts we once were..

You wore white shirt, black skinny jeans, and white starwars vans shoes with a galaxy jansport bag with your white nike cap attached in it. You wore those smiles and those messy curly hair and those eyes searching for a 5'4 ft tall guy wearing a red plaid shirt with a black shirt, jeans, shoes, and bag. Our eyes met as if the moon and sun touched each other for the first time. Every moment was euphoric, Franz Ernest. I was looking at the best man, the best person, that ever happened to me. I was looking at you in those 4am sleep while i was lying in your chest praying and thanking God that He gave me you. I was praying that someday all those coffees in breakfasts, all those piggyback, those endless laughter in our socks and boxers with our dogs in our feet and pizzas in our hand, and all those deep conversations with a milk or tea or whiskey in our side, i was praying that all these things will happen soonest in the future where you at my side against all odds. I was staring at the person, with his eyes closed and his eyelashes perfectly curved and cheeks so squishy. I was staring at you every 4am when you spent your days here. The world was quite all i heard was the sound of your breathing like lullabies in my ears. The time has come for the sun to bid goodbye to the moon, like minutes spent in twilight, you whispered in my ear that you will return. Every word was spoken breathlessly, with all the innocence and genuineness of a brave soul. I was so proud of you Franz Ernest. I have always been. You are not an epitome of despair because you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I am proud of you because you have attained your Moksha. You were reborn in the braver version of yourself today. You're a leo and i'm a cancer who both once wished to take the world together.

This would be the last piece that Im writing for you. A eulogy of all the feelings and love i have left of you. I never stopped writing poems or anything about you but this time, i must say, this writer has to find himself. This writer has once again proved that if there's something you want to say, say them no matter how tongue-tied you are. We create our own path. You have found your home and it wasnt me all along. I love you so much and thank you for everything. Wishing you all the best things and abundance in life Franz Ernest Jacob Valera.