#cant convince me life is ever gonna be okay because its not its just not thats a lie by people who already had money and friends and

[gayday]

.

[fabaceous]

do you think jackieshauna could've gotten together eventually if the plane didn't crash/if jackie hadn't died or were they doomed from the start?

hi anon i know this took a while (sorry) but it's because this is one of my favorite cans of worms to open and i had a lot to say. so thank you for giving me an excuse to talk about it ;)

my answer, depending on the day and my mood, ranges from NO to YES, BUT to NO, BUT.

NO, because i think that even on a pure friendship level they are doomed. their flaws were like, designed in a lab (or a writer's room lol) to tear them apart. jackie is insecure and holds on too tightly to shauna. shauna quietly resents jackie for it and fucks around behind her back. as long as they have these traits, their relationship is a ticking time bomb. they will never make it within ten miles of a romantic relationship because even their friendship is doomed.

NO, because even if their friendship doesn't implode, they are both simply too damn repressed to ever make a move. im not even saying this as a cop-out, like, i truly believe in my heart and soul that they both have latent romantic feelings for each other but they tie themselves in all sorts of pretzels to avoid it and i'll go even further and say they are both REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT IT. like more so than most people. given my own experiences denying my (in hindsight incredibly obvious) feelings for girls (and i SUCK at repressing things) i have no doubt at all that they could go the rest of their lives convincing themselves that some girlfriendships are Just Like That. the human mind is a very powerful thing and the human mind on comphet and repression? nearly unstoppable. and even if they dont have some world-shattering blowout, and their friendship just sort of fizzles out for some nebulous and ambiguous (read: gay yearning related) reason, years later they'll still be looking back at their relationship saying Huh. Wasnt That Weird...Well...Nevertheless...I'm Sure It Was Nothing To Worry About...

like, okay, im gonna spend a little more time with this one because i think their repression is so key to their dynamic. jackie is obviously unable to face any aspect of herself that is even remotely imperfect. gay feelings for shauna would definitely fall into that category given what i assume she has internalized from her parents and her peers and it being the 1990s. shauna, while more willing to accept her dark side, cant bear the thought of wanting jackie like that. its the one bridge she cant cross. she'll literally fuck jeff. fucking JEFF!!! before she lets herself act on desire for jackie (at least not in a straightforward/normal way lol)

i think both of them on some level must feel that they have a desire for each other, or else they wouldn't be so desperate to avoid it. but they are SO desperate to avoid it, and i don't really have anything to back this up other than my gut feeling but i just can't imagine them ever overcoming their respective hurdles of repression, and definitely not under normal high-school circumstances. MAYBE in the wilderness they would've had a chance IF THINGS HAD GONE VERY DIFFERENTLY because they would be free from societal expectations or whatever, and maybe a life or death situation could've given them enough of a shock that they'd finally own up to their feelings. but EVEN THEN, personally, i think it's still questionable. i think this is just so deeply rooted that it would be anywhere from incredibly difficult to impossible for both of them to get past it. (it's no good if only one of them overcomes the repression, btw. then you just have unrequited pining (but secretly actually requited but the other person won't admit that they're requiting it so it's effectively unrequited which would be perhaps even worse and more painful. btw. if you even care))

now on to the other options...

YES, BUT, even if by some miracle they were able to get past their repression and date each other, i guarantee you all their toxic habits would be not only repeated but MAGNIFIED by being in a romantic relationship. like, ok, the good news is, they would finally be free to be openly obsessed with each other lol. but... imagine jackie gets EVEN MORE insecure about shauna leaving her because now she actually feels like she has a legit claim on shauna being "hers". before, her possessiveness (for lack of a more nuanced term) was tempered by the fact that they are just friends, and shauna should theoretically be allowed to have other friends, even if jackie doesn't like it. but shauna should NOT be having other girlfriends. so jackie would likely be reaching new levels of terrified of shauna leaving her. shauna would still be unable to address conflict directly. rinse and repeat this whooooole vicious cycle until it blows up in their faces like laura le--[gunshot]

finally, NO, BUT, and this one may be controversial & a bit more far fetched than the others, but i do think that under the right circumstances they could kiss or even fuck without it compromising their repression. i actually even think they could have a sort of sneaky situationship while still repressing their bigscaryfeelings for each other. HEAR ME OUT. they are both very careful about compartmentalizing their desire for each other and keeping it hidden FROM THEMSELVES. they often fail and it boils over despite their best efforts, but the more important thing is that they think they're succeeding at keeping their desire from breaching containment. and as long as they have that plausible deniability where they are hiding it from themselves, even if they don't manage to hide it from the rest of us (or even each other), i dont think its impossible for them to act on the desire, like, on pure instinct, but without actually intellectually or emotionally acknowledging the larger implications that that brings. and even if the desire breaches containment, they could still find a way to write it off as just desire in general and not desire for each other specifically. especially when they also still have the excuse of being horny teenagers with no impulse control, they could easily brush it off as, oh, we were just drunk, we were just experimenting. or even, oh, it was just shauna, it's not like i actually LIKE-like her, i just made out with her, but its shauna, so it obviously doesnt mean anything.

and i think they could even do this consistently for weeks months MAYBE up to a year or so, while deluding themselves into thinking this is somehow normal or not a big deal. because they have already proven they are masters of doublethink and repression, otherwise we wouldn't have gotten this far lol. but it would 100% also blow up in their faces. the question is, who would crack first? who would want something real? or who would walk away because it got too real? theres sooo much to ponder with this particular scenario and it's all very juicy and compelling (and GOD would i love to see it unfold with my own two eyeballs, can bart and ashley please write and film an AU of their own tv show?!) but i dont think it would ever lead them anywhere good or healthy.

so long story short (lol. conciseness has never been my strong suit as is probably abundantly clear by now) i personally do not think there is any possibility of a satisfying happy-ending scenario for these two. and i personally am perfectly okay with that because so much about them would have to change in order for them to get a happy ending that at that point, they would no longer be the jackie and shauna that i know and love.

[yoonsdoll]

hi im bored and this is my professional opinion if seventeen r kitty or puppy coded and why because this is very important to me !!!!!!!!!

seungcheol : kitty coded

ok this was actually a really hard choice because he actually does have both kitty and puppy features but ultimately i decided kitty because hes so persian cat.

LOOK AT HIM POUTING.

but laura!!! he has a dog!!! YES I KNOW OKAY!! i LOVE kkuma. and as much as he wants to be a dog dad hes just a cat taking care of a dog beeeee so fr!!!!!

ok in conclusion realistically he can be both but like.. look at these photos and try spot the difference

cheol get well soon i miss u .

if u disagree then u just dont get the vision!

jeonghan : kitty coded

i have previously stated how he is a ragdoll cat. and yes, he really is.

hes so mischievous in like the best way ever, tell me a kitty wouldn't do that. U CANT!!!!

as a cat owner myself.. im just correct.

he 100% knows how to get someone to give him what he wants (treats) and he sits there all day looking fabulous and getting attention for being so cute.

also jeonghan get well soon im losing hair the longer ur gone.

anyway pls agree ive never been so confident in an answer in my life. dont ruin this

joshua : puppy coded

the more i look at shua smiling the more he reminds me of a cute puppy.

pls this man has me breaking down hes literally so cute.

i have no reason apart from the fact im so very sure he would be a puppy. and also hes an extrovert which automatically strikes me as a dog!!!

he looks like a fancy cat on a lot of pictures but dont let him gaslight u.

he told me himself hes a smiley shiba inu.

im a strong believer in puppy shua.

junhui : kitty coded

i feel like this is a very obvious answer but still

0% puppy in him. its all a very feral cat.

when i look at jun i think of a british shorthair kitty. a baby one in specific.

especially because hes playful as hell but also has his moments when he just prefers to be quiet and listen to the others.

he alternatively could just be a white and black cat.. it did occur to me while making this. however i still feel like a british shorthair is more suitable.

jun is so cat coded and even he knows it!

hoshi : kitty coded ?????

okay see my issue is that yes.. tigers are in the cat family. but do u not also ever look at hoshi playing around w the members and think that he could be a puppy if he wasnt so obsessed w tigers..

anyhow, he is kitty coded for the most part I GUESS.

sometimes he really does remind me of a hamster more than anything though, but again this isnt the point of this post.

ill give him this win and say he is a toyger cat.

HE LITERALLY LOOKS SO HAMSTER IN THE FIRST PIC ITS BUGGING ME.

look at him tryna convince everyone in that 2nd pic.. ok wtv he convinced me

wonwoo : kitty coded

so very calm, knows what his boundaries are, likes playing around once in a while.

wonwoo is THE black cat. one of those that are really well taken care of with short yet super soft fur.

same as jun.. u will never find any puppy energy in this man.

he has a dog too, but hes the most cat coded person u will ever see. this is why my cheol point was also correct.

im giggling those photos r so perfect. 3 wonwoos ^^^^^^

bye u legit cant even argue with this one if u wanted to

woozi : kitty coded

SHUT UP U KNOW IM RIGHTTTT!!

WOOZI IS SO KITTY I DONT CARE. I DONT EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN.

just as i know wonus a black cat, i know ujis a white cat.

hes so elegant yet so fun and so cute pls someone tie me down

the fact i already knew what photos im gonna use says enough.

i would also like to say that hes also very bear coded. like if hes not a cat hes a bear.

dokyeom : puppy coded

everyone cheered!!!!

dk has always been very puppy to me, even in interviews where hes speaking to people he doesnt know (which makes it difficult for him (and hoshi)), hes ALWAYS trying his best.

hes so cute!??!?!?! like, im really not good with dog breeds AT ALL, but he clearly is a pomeranian.

is he a grown 5'10 man? yes. is he also a very cute puppy breed? also yes. why? it just makes so much sense.

the 2 glasses photos were a coincidence but they somehow make him look even more puppy coded.

him in curly hair.. dude it doesnt get any better than that!!!

mingyu : puppy coded

DUH!!!! hes the puppiest out of all puppy in seventeen

surprisingly, i always see everyone call him a golden retriever which, personality wise I SO AGREE!!! but something itches my brain when hes compared to a husky. IT MAKES SM MORE SENSE NO??

i lied btw ive never seen anyone compare him to a husky this is me trying to drop my opinion without getting dragged.

theres not much else to say apart from that his emoji rep is litch a puppy so u cant deny it!

no matter what breed u wanna compare him to, itll still always be a dog

i truly wish i could see him as a cat but its just not right!

minghao : kitty coded

kitty coded through and through!!!!

i dont think i cld ever compare hao to a puppy?? his vibes r so cat.

SIAMESE CAT** let me say. dont u agree!!

hes so sassy and i feel like that rlly influences my opinion but also when have u ever looked at minghao and thought he was puppy coded. literally NEVER. i cant name u one time.

give him blue contacts and hes that cat in the middle (pls dont)

i rest my case thank yew!

seungkwan : BOTH?!

seungkwans a really difficult one for me. because he quite literally is both.

he has moments when hes so puppy coded then the next second hes the most kitty coded man ever.

same in selcas.. i cant even decide thru them!!!

if i really had to pick, id lean towards a cat, but again.. its too hard to decide.

therefore, he would be an orange kitty or a samoyed dog! :3

im sorry for cheating my way out of this one but i srsly cant decide.

vernon : kitty coded

chillest cat ever trust me.

vernon said himself he really likes cats and that made this even easier than it was before cause it just makes sm sense!

im aware vernon likes dogs too but him liking cats is so ?? vernon ??????

i always go back to that photo of him holding the baby kitty. hes such a cat person. literally look up vernon being a cat person on twt and theres a whole thread proving it!

this is why vernon is a siberian cat! he looks like it sm and he is chill like that ong

vernon and kitties give me life

dino : puppy coded

surprisingly i originally wanted to say kitty coded but after a think abt it.. hes clearly puppy coded

a very loved puppy by his 12 older brothers lolol

he always loves the attention and enjoys smiling and making others laugh a lot too..

do u guys remember that puppy interview? yeah.

his light brown hair was the prime border collie days!

i found that middle photo and immediately thought dino.

ok i originally didnt even mean to assign them all to breeds or wtv but it just happened... thank u for reading this is what happens when i get too bored!!! anyway i think i did pretty well so!

[201xs]

cw for um. talking about being suicidal in the past

one of the most isolating and horrific things about being suicidal or even ever having been suicidal is having to constantly reassure everyone in your life that you aren't a ticking time bomb that's going to sneak off and kill yourself as quickly as possible before anyone can stop you. you cant talk about how you feel or you'll be hospitalized & treated like an out of control toddler who wants nothing more than to stick a fork in the electrical socket. i have debilitating chronic pain and for a period that lasted years i had to ask my parents (who both have full time jobs) whenever i wanted over the counter painkillers because they were convinced that the moment they left me alone for more than 2 hours with Advil that i was going to overdose and die. its truthfully exhausting

same thing when people ask me if im okay when i draw something even a little sad. i know the people in my life care about me but it just feels like im being talked down to. but what are ya gonna do

[lostfracturess]

okay i’ve loved s&c since i started reading it but my god…chapter 8 was seriously one of the best things i’ve read and has made me just insanely connected to this story. so pls excuse me if this ask is obnoxiously long i’ve got a lot to say 😭🤚🏼

first off lol i just need to get this off my chest but the SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER…IMMACULATE. I GOT TINGLES im so immune to smut since i’ve read sm of it but oh my godd when he said “fuck i cant hold back any longer. let me fuck you already or i’ll cum in my pants” I HAD BUTTERFLIES IN TWO DIFF PLACES FROM THAT🧍🏻‍♀️…also i like how realistic the sex feels,, like it genuinely reads like two adults in this sort of complicated relationship still desiring one another, mature & sexy yet classy at the same time? bravo seriously (also reader getting the lingerie hehehehrhrh)

the way you built the tension throughout the entire chapter regarding satoru’s super mysterious phone calls and his reluctance to share anything w reader. so wonderfully laced into all of the scenes, there was this sense of dread throughout that simmered even during the fluffy scenes and oof it was a wonderful but torturous feeling haha

speaking of fluff- when he keeps mentioning “love” and now marriage!! pls 😭 it came out of nowhere but i feel like his brazenness to say it so soon makes me believe that he really means it if that makes sense?? :”) one of my fave lines from the chapter was

“he was stating it as a fact, something that was a done deal…he’s simply been waiting for you to catch up.”

that has to be one of the most romantic things i’ve EVER read in my life. a chill legit ran through me haha like if that isn’t love!! 🥲 he knew since the beginning </3

thank you for clarifying the thought process behind reader’s doubts in herself. when she said something about how she wonders if she’s cut out for it…oof i felt that. imposter syndrome is SO damn real, especially in medicine, and my fave moment in the whole chapter is when satoru really steps up in that moment as a mentor and says “taking a break isn’t giving up” <3 i totally understand her push back though, it’s hard to shake insecurities built over years

and my god. satoru’s character. i know that he is so troubled and has made mistakes but my heart legitimately ached for him during that conversation with geto. this was the moment where i was like omg this story is something so special bc you tackle the sensitivity of topics such as drug abuse so fucking well.

i used to work at an emergency department and so often we would get patients rolling in w chief complaints of withdrawal, a LOT of the time young patients in their twenties, and it’s really heartbreaking to see because you can never ever fully understand the pain behind someone’s story or change the past, all you can do is try to help them and make them feel better in the present.

i feel so bad for satoru, seriously fuck sukuna for taking advantage of him like that omg give me two mins in a room w that mf and your story is gonna be missing one of its characters 😅

“walls up before anyone gets close, pushing people away because he’s convinced that deep down, he’s broken.”

siggghhh as someone with an avoidant attachment style i so relate to him. i really hope reader can show him the brighter things in life (i mean she’s definitely someone that makes him want to be a better man which is lovely), i look forward to seeing how he opens up more emotionally in the chapters to come.

im so sorry this is getting so fkn long but i simply cannot pass speaking up ab geto?? what an insanely emotionally intelligent character. the way he acts is so consistent, i looove how he’s recognized that maybe satoru’s relationship w reader, despite the forbidden aspects, is something more than just lust and is something deeper than that :”)

“there is no point, neither in life nor death. but you can either cry about the whole meaningless of the world or try to find meaning to it. to do something that gives meaning to life.”

talk about words that no longer feel like part of a story, but literally jump out of the page (err my phone screen? lol) and have you feel them in the reality of your own life. stunning, your writing is just amazing miss lostfractures

also curious if he got sued cuz he punched that student lol 🤔 or maybe it’s related to malpractice

ugh i’m so sorry this was so fucking long but it’s midnight for me rn and i just had so many thoughts while reading the chap i had to share 😭🤞🏼 thank you sm for this story, it goes without saying that i’m SO excited for more 💕💕💕

okay i have no idea where to start but first THANK YOU SO SO MUCH! i feel insanely grateful for you to take the time to write this message, really!!

i'm smiling and giggling like an idiot rn at work omg.

so so glad you like the SMUT, this is always the worst part to write, so i'm relieved it didn't read cringey and made you feel something (i laughed at your comment about the butterflies in TWO SPOTS omg).

can relate. ngl.

and yes the whole marriage part did came out of nowhere but i guess that's just so him, like he's so clumsy with feelings and don't know what to do with them so he's just really messy but also so adorable with it, idk!!! ahhhh

your reactions to the chapter make me SO SO happy, like really, that's all us writers want to achieve, right? to make the reader feel something. so glad i could stir something within you!! <333

& yes you never know what a person might have experienced in his past to it really comes down to being patient and understanding with people, but yeah satoru surely has an avoidant attachment, like SO SO BAD. and that can be so FRUSTRATING.

his past even gets worse in the next chapter, because apparently i can not NOT make him even more miserable.

haha the whole philosophical part at the end was mostly because i read a lot of camus and kafka lately lol. couldn't hold myself back, but i guess that mirrors satoru's existential crisis he goes through, that will be more highlighted in the next chapter.

but like at the same time, he needs someone to put him in his place and the reader is gladly accepting that and is like, I'M SO DONE WITH YOU, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER MAN.

thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart for spending your precious time to read and write this message!! i really don't know how to phrase it how happy this makes me, just imagine myself smiling and crying like an idiot <33

[queenburd]

so in the hypothetical fic concept,,,, ok actually have a. small handful of questions maybe. (........alsoalso this is. always true but just gonna reiterate Preemptively,,,, "don't know" is alwaysalways a fair answer. this is more of a. blatantly fishing by tossing prompt-adjacent-things in your general direction sort of thing haha)

- is the amount of time the narrator has experienced getting other stanleys out the same amount of time his stanley has experienced in the outside??

- how do they each. react,, upon landing & realizing they've been split up??

- does the narrator ever have a hard time convincing a stanley to get to the escape pod with him??

- since both the narrator And stanley have to be present for it to work,, one can infer if a stanley was too suspicious or elsewise he would be. trapped. until that stanley could be convinced.

- has he ever been discovered by other narrators??

- ........what happens,, to the other narrators when their corresponding stanley is evacuated?? (are they left there indefinitely on their own, does their iteration of the parable simply collapse, a secret third thing,,)

points at you. you get me.

first) yes! it's approximately the same amount of time, though the narrator has no way to measure and doesnt know until, well. he gets out. that it's been that long. he just knows it's been a long time, and it's honestly something that frightens him. he is trying very VERY hard to make peace with the idea he's never going to see Stan again, because.... if they never see each other again, it doesn't have to hurt him if Stan's feelings for him change. If Stan decides he wants to be with somebody else.

(with this said, this fic HAS to take place in the future. I put myself in this hole. The TSPUD only came out last year but Stan's been out for four years and change??? dont. dont look too hard at that. okay? dont look at that. that ones on me.)

second) they uh. they both have some BAD reactions to learning the other is not with them. it might be "harder" on Stan if only because he's been thrust into a new world at the same time, on his own.

Stan starts living a life, afraid that his friend is gone, or maybe out in the world somewhere alone, or dead. he had no idea how to process it because he didnt KNOW what happened. but he just… had to try to move on. live as a person. he didnt have a choice.

for the narrator, he has to try to make sense of why he's in a Parable that... isn't HIS. when he finds the Stanley there that isnt his it hurts like a motherfucker, but he has other issues to deal with (like the fact this one is very clearly a victim of physical abuse) so he boxes that shit up, as he usually does, to focus on the problem at hand.

but after he gets into a system, it's not as easy to distract himself. sometimes he wakes up in the escape pod by himself after just ushering a new Stanley out, and he just stays there for a little bit to have a good cry.

3) ABSOLUTELY HE HAS A HARD TIME WITH SOME STANLEYS. These fuckers are STUBBORN. He's really used to it, and it can be frustrating, but he always manages somehow--mostly, he surprises them all.

even the angrier Stanleys that are less likely to trust him cant help being caught off guard by his concern, and his laughing at their sharp biting wit, or just how open he is with his expressions. that, plus the fact their narrators are still clearly around in opposition, means its not a "trick".

hes still himself, you know? but all that bitchiness and irritability is aimed at these alternate versions of himself instead of Stanley. he is so SICK of his own bullshit. GET OVER YOURSELF, MY GOD, no WONDER he hated my guts. you petulant CHILD.

and yeah that's really weird for the Stanleys. They kind of love it. it's hilarious.

3.5) since it's tangential with the above. yeah. he's had some serious bonding periods with some stanleys. that's why in the end he always manages to convince them. because they have nothing BUT time.

4) probably yes. there have been a few where he was genuinely stealthy enough to not get caught (though those narrators DEFINITELY noticed SOMETHING was awry, they tended to focus on where Stanley was in the Parable over things happening elsewhere in the map) and he always makes an effort in the beginning, mostly to get a feel for the situation. he's done this enough times to have an idea of where to start. BUT, he has a temper, and for the narrators that are actively more hostile, he has no qualms about showing his face and, quite frankly, kicking their arses.

because this may not be his SPECIFIC parable, but it's still the Parable, and he's still a Narrator. he can control this rat maze just as well as they can. possibly even better, since he's let Stan roam through every single door and played with every single hall. Hes not afraid of breaking script. most of them dont know how to react to it.

5) he doesn't know what happens to them. he assumes they get left on their own. he doesn't care. as far as he's concerned, they dont deserve to have a protagonist at all, and they can rot by themselves for eternity.

I dont know what happens to them either. Ive thought about it but cant come to any conclusions. though Ive wondered if theres a way for these fellows to find each other. Im sure theyve got a bit of a grudge...

[goremet-chef]

guhh im so bothered rnn (vent/rant)

so... i? idk. ive been out as trans in my house since 2020. my mom doesnt call me dom (sometimes she does if my sibling encourages her to, but she defaults back to my deadname anyways) and ive learned to accept it. i dont think she ever will and its sad for me, the reality that once i start my transition, ill need to just.. leave a lot of my family behind. they think its some rebellious choice like i hate all of them but im more worried about them hating me

my mom says shes supportive but is actively right wing, shes having an inner battle with her ideologies, i know that. i can tell by how she talks about homeless people vs how she talks about us being queer

so. whatever. thats my mom i guess. but for a long time, i wasnt out to my moms husband. i despise him and ive never intentionally started a conversation with him, let alone come out. ive started to not care about what he thinks. i know what he thinks, he thinks gays should die, said it straight to my gay siblings face. okay, cool. doesnt concern me, moms bf is absolutely fucking nothing to me.

to remedy this sort of like... we didnt wanna DEAL with what he might say if he heard both my siblings calling me dom, cuz both of them do, so whenever theyre around they would just refer to my deadname, but i saw it made them cringe, so now everyone calls me 'that one child'

that one, other one, etc etc

no one even calls me my name anymore

it makes me feel so hopeless. ive EXPRESSED it makes me upset but my younger sibling doesnt care (the one most guilty of it), because they dont understand why it upsets me, i guess thats enough reason to keep going

its so dehumanizing to be reduced to actually nothing. i ALREADY have heaps and heaps and HEAPS of identity issues. sometimes it gets so bad i start having crazy ass delusions, sometimes im not even present and its a different part of my mind in my body

its hard enough as is!!! now my family wont call me anything at all

it makes me feel less bad about leaving, but i dont think ill ever leave at this rate

need to start T, change my name, get a job, all in that order. starting T seems impossible at this rate. i.. dont know what to do. i cant keep LIVING like this, because im not living at all

i never leave my house because im too ashamed in how i look, i cant BEAR the thought of anyone else perceiving me as female, i cant fucking do it!!! im so tired. my house is like a prison for me, genuinely.

and my family dont get it, obviously. they think its my choice, im some kind of hermit who doesnt care about being outside because i have internet. they are so fucking wrong. i miss going out, i miss being around people, i miss existing like everyone else, but i just cant do it man. not like this

so it becomes a waiting game, when am i gonna bring up starting it? how do i even move forward once i do? what if she says no? id have to do it on my own but i cant.. i cant even order things for myself without freezing like shutting up will get me out of there, i cant fucking do it

she doesnt even know!! we were in the car together and she was like yknow theres people who cant even make a doctors appointment. what losers.

IM losers, would she have said that if she knew? does she know and decided to say it anyways? i dont know, but its just.. everything seems so hopeless at this point. i want to just give up, accept im not gonna be who i truly am, but man i cant stand being any more miserable

it makes me wanna cry, the only time i get to feel myself how i think i should be is either if i draw something fictitious, or if i spend hours in the mirror making sure i look masculine, my mustache is convincing, etc. AND FOR WHAT? literally for fucking WHAT, because i dont leave the house anyways!!!!! dolled up like i have somewhere to be, like my appearance will get me what i want, when im stuck at home! i got nothing to prove to them, they think what they think

its fucking dreadful. im so scared of my life passing me by, and here i am wasting away in my bedroom for the last 3 years. no progress, nothing. at first, i was scared about even starting T because theres a higher risk of heart disease, but. i dont fucking care if it KILLS me. i dont care!!! if it kills me i dont fucking care im not living the life i want to live anyways. the risk of death is worth it at this point, i mean that so seriously

idk. im just tired, is all. i wish everyone could perceive me the way i dream they would. only time that happens is online, or when im not with my family at all and instead with my friends. but we only hang out like. once in a blue moon

and yknow what? im not even safe then. i remember we were at my friends house for halloween last year (we always meet up). i had my full leatherface costume one, my face was touched up to make it look like the mask. and still. dressed that way, when my friends mom asked me what my name was, i said dom and she was immediately like. "oh, dominique?" no. my name is fucking DOMINIC.

i didnt say anything besides correcting her, but it was such a blow, man. the only time ill be happy is if im closely monitoring every single thing i do, to make sure i dont appear feminine at all. no matter how i look, now matter how deep my voice is. miserable. why would anyone think that id choose this

[noeggets]

Me: i’ve finally settled on my sonic sona

also me: makes three really cool character

so this is my new sonic sona

ANYWAY i’m thinking their team name is Team Secret or Team Seeker i think about them going up against Sonic or being chased by Team dark because G.U.N is tired of them when entire cities start complaining about them they send Shadow after them and Maxie is freaking out squaring up against Rouge while Frost tries to hide from Shadow and Winter goes up against Omega and she’ll be okay with breaking him cause he’s not living hes a robot in her eyes

i think they are the coolest characters ive ever made in the sonic fandom ngl

G.U.N is either gonna capture them and try to hire them and say “your skills are so good work for us or you go to jail” 

Maxie: JAIL!?!?? *squeezing her frizzy tail

Winter: i dont do jail i cant go back there

Frosted: ... i dont think i would look good in stripes, do they have games in jail Max?

ALSO ALSO i can see Maxie saying she’s a better theft then Rouge and that’s what starts their fight and when they get back to G.U.N Rouge actually does some digging on Maxie and there isn’t much of anything because she is  actually a really good theft rivaling Rouge herself because Rouge is too much of a good at heart and RARELY gives things back when it matters or counts where Maxie isn’t giving anything back it’s in her hands it’s hers from then on

Shadow trying to convince Frost this is not the life a kid should be living and her getting mad that even though he fought her as if she was any criminal until he found out she was young pisses her off so badly because she believes no matter what age or whatever she should be treated like everyone else and its just something she can never get through her head

Omega (Huge emphasize on trying ) trying to teach Winter to confront whatever her past is and trying to teach her she can more then just a tool or a weapon for others WHICH IS A BIG THING FOR HIM CAUSE jigrsneibn so many good stories to be told with these guys i can feel it 

[ekwolfwood]

...well this has been a week from hell. or a month. its just been.... a lot. sorry if none of this makes sense, it is very much 4am.

(tw: health talk, disability talk... and death/pet death)

-it started at yeti, which was overall fantastic and 10/10 cant wait for next year, but all the stress factors all compounded into me having what was, on my birthday, probably my first noticeable seizure in decades. im not fully convinced, but both my partner and my twin noticed something was very off/not like regular dissociating

(i was one of those lucky ones that "grew out" of my absence seizures by highschool-ish, but theres always been the chance of them coming back/if i was still having super mild ones (i still have hella motor tics, which are tangentially related), but recently.... something in me might have been trying to warn me (we were using our own disability stuff for our heralds au, and bringing it up a lot...). i wanna talk about the good yeti things, but it doesnt feel like that day happened at all?

-on an immediate side note, mild pain flares took up a lot of the following two weeks, but i also finally got a specialist appointment with a pseudo answer??? he was very nice, and confirms at least prooobably fibromyalgia? which yeah lol ive suspected for years, so its a nice first step/confirmation. im placing a new bet however on that hes dead wrong with saying theres nothing wrong with my connective tissue. there is. i know there is. the pain and need for a walking stick for my knees/balance says otherwise

now the other two... bigger things.

-...... got a call on canada day that my grandad died. its been.... rough. more worry (mostly about my dad, and just over change and scheduling). more stress. this is the first time ive cried over a family member dying. ever. i didnt care about the other set of grandparents, on my mums side (when my nana died there was an undercurrent of 'ding dong the bitch is dead...' she was a... mildly racist piece of work, to be nice about her). but i like my dads side of the family. im glad alex got to meet him once before he went. he was 96. its not a shock, its just... its just yeah. theres gonna be no funeral, and i dont know if im thankful for that or not.

-.....and then all the past few weeks, Loki, my partners cat, had been acting increasingly off. i had a gut feeling. he's had kidney issues/near renal failure twice before. i just... i knew it was gonna be soon, and i desperately wanted to be wrong, and let the little blighter have a good long life being a little sensory nightmare to me, but... something in me just fucking knew. and, of course, because of my grandad, the news happened when i was 3 hours away from home with responsibilities and couldnt just leave. she's here now tho, and we're going home tomorrow morning, and saying goodbye to him on thursday.

i... dont deal well with change. the processing, the not feeling grief properly (cognitive/affective empathy issues, which is wild because alex and i had a whole ass conversation about that before any of this happened???? again. weird. coincidences.), the uncertainty.

and the fact that no one can be ready for any of this.

but, if things come in threes, then that better be fucking it for a while okay.

because we'll be alright.

we'll make it through.

things just take time.

[voicefromthecorner]

okay Imma finally yell about things properly, in an ask, bc it deserves one and I'm only a little too feral about this. Did you notice, well, everything between Joshua and Shoka? Did you notice when Shoka said that she didn't really mind dying, that having powers made her feel good about herself, and that after 3 years of the same monotony of a Game that never really changes made her not really care about those fancy powers and end up quite closed off and snarky about life? Did you notice that it took her some time but she finally found a friend who could understand her?? Did you notice how freaking gutted she was that Rindo would return to the RG but she would have to be stuck in the UG??? Did you notice that Joshua EXPLICITLY shows up when Shoka's thanking Rindo for being a good PARTNER?? do you see what I'm getting at here bc its killing me, its killing me that Joshua is giving this girl everything he cannot have bc he's too far up the power chain to ever go back, he crossed a line of no return, but GODAMNIT if he's not gonna do this for them. He's gonna paint this up as a challenge, as a Game, bc Angels cant be nice and cant just return people to the UG willy-nilly, but he's pretty damn good at this game and he's gonna use that to HELP people. I am not okay. I love them all so much.

I can safely tell you that I did not notice any of that but I am absolutely thrilled to have it all pointed out to me! Those parallels are amazing!

It's funny, because you recently mentioned that you were convinced for your playthrough that Swallow was Joshua. That's honestly a conclusion that I had come to and likely would have held to for the rest of my playthrough if not for some minor interference. I was looking at Swallow through some pretty cynical lens at the time, but I still saw someone who was capable of so much... "closet kindness" if you will in that they were a genuine pillar of support to Rindo as well as very intelligent with how much Rindo respected their advice.

Naturally, the reveal turned many of my assumptions on their head, and I'm sure yours too, but at the same time, it's kind of wild to think that with enough time and maybe even more talent, Shoka could have ended up just like Joshua. That conclusion may not have always had to be so far off.

The weird Shinjuku rule plot device is more than just a last-minute stake reveal that gives us some insight into the earlier reactions of the Shinjuku Reapers, it's also an opportunity for Joshua to, as you say, do something kind and break someone else free from a cycle that, in a different way from her, consumed him. That's so interesting to think about. The idea that Joshua saw a bit of himself in Shoka, which I'm seeing more of even now just thinking of their personality similarities. That's so cool!

[asummersday]

3, 13, 22 for the soft asks!

3. what's your favorite candle scent?

I haven't bought a scented candle in months (cuz it turns out you're not allowed to light candles in my uni's dorms lol) and I'm not a fan of very strongly scented candles because they can give me headaches. But I'm a big fan of the fall candle scents. I have one at home thats cinnamon and something else I cant remember atm that I really like :]

I also like pine scented candles and lavender candles.

13. what's your comfort food?

I had to look up the English version of that one on google and they're called buckwheat pancakes but I'd actually say that buckwheat crepes is more accurate (In French its called galettes de sarasin)

Its a savory crepe made with buckwheat flour and the filling traditionally consists of ham, cheese and an egg sunny side up. (*I'll put pictures under the cut)

Its from Bretagne, the part of france my mom's side of the family is from. I've never lived there and the first time we got the chance to go there since we moved to the US was back in 2019, so that was the only connection I had to that part of my culture most of my life.

22. What would you say to your future self?

Oohh thats a hard one lol

idk what i'd say to my future self tbh. maybe something like "hope the world hasnt ended yet" as a greeting

I think I'd ask if we're doing okay. rn lots of things are happening in my personal life, and for a while i've been trying to get diagnosed with depression and adhd (im like 95% sure i have it, now only to convince my parents ahsdfjsj). honestly i'd just like to know if we get better later, if we ever get therapy and if it helps. i think i'd like the reassurance :}

On a brighter note I also think I'd ask if we're still writing fanfiction lmao

The answer for that one is probably (hopefully) gonna be yes anjfksks

soft asks game

ty for the ask!!

(Tw for pictures of food under the cut)

[hella1975]

hey I have life advice to ask and if it's not cool then just go ahead and delete this-

I'm gonna be 17 soon and I was pulled out of school due to stuff I couldn't really control, so I dont really have a college/university to expect in about 2 years ish if I cant pull through out of my depression/anxiety and take the GED tests (american testing, its like a substitute for a highschool diploma, which is.... shit idk the differences to england but either way if I cant study and complete 4 giant tests, colleges/universities wont be available to me. I think.). I really could just move about anywhere I'm able to, and there's this place that I really, really love. I've done everything I can to know about it besides GOING there, because it is incredibly far away from my home. Really fucking far. It's been smth of an idea of mine I've held on to a year, like all the towns and places I dive into I just keep coming back to that spot. It feels like the one, like I can't really see myself growing old because of my depression but I can SEE it there, and I've never felt that.

The thing is I know from a few older mutuals of mine (and just other adults in gen) that things can change and while you might go to uni/college for [X Thing] you'll come out with something else you found so you'll now have [Y Thing]. like what you're expecting or want is going to change as you learn more or delve into it. I don't know how much I should take that to heart really? There's this fear that's been placed into me that I can't actually think for myself if I'm always going to be changing. I'm so confident about this rn but what about later? Sorry if this freaks you out too JFNSJMW like we're about 2-3 years apart but it just feels like so MUCH, I wanted your advice since you've got the uni experience I might miss out on

(My family is fine really like they're not going to kick me out or anything, they've just got other problems ig that I'd like to escape from because a lot of what they do has me just.. stuck with myself. It sucks being a teenager because I'm just in the middle of it all)

hi anonstie! sorry for the slow reply to this, i hope im not too late to any decision making. thank you so much for trusting me with this, it's a really scary situation for any teenager deciding on something that seems so defining, let alone with mental illness factors and possible family pressures. trust me I GET THAT. so everything i say is my opinion very tainted by my own bias and personal experiences, but you know that and asked me anyway so im gonna assume we're clear on that okay:

so as someone who not only has the uni experience but overall LOVES uni like could not have picked a better option i love my uni life i love my friends i love my independence so much that i stick doing a subject i HATE bc i love my life here so much - coming from someone in that position, you want to know what i think? if you're not sure about going to uni and genuinely think you'd be happier elsewhere, do not go. im being so serious. university is a challenge, and people know that, but you have to take what you think it's gonna be like and double how hard it really is. it's a fucking culture shock and a half and even those who settle in well (i like to think i did) still have trouble finding their feet, and it's fucking scary. you have to have a level of certainty to manage it. idk maybe im being too extreme here but ive seen so many people who regret uni and are the loneliest they've ever been, and if you already have mental illness weighing on you that's not a boat you want to be in even if you might not end up like that.

the option does not vanish just because you didn't do it at the 'correct' age. i can see ur stress around the exams and while i know fuck all about american education, i refuse to believe there's no ways around it or ways to redo at a later time, or even if you do just wind up with not very good qualifications, somewhere will take you. i was convinced that if i didnt get out of my hometwon at 18 with the natural progression in academia then i would be stuck there forever, and part of me still believes that no matter how silly it is, which is why i outright refuse to drop my subject even on the days when it eats me alive, because i think if i drop out i'll get stuck in my hometown. uni was an escape for me and that's one of the reasons i love it so much. but over time, while it still lingers i wont pretend it doesnt, ive realised how wrong that mindset is. there's so many types of people at university. some people come onto campus with their children. some people are middle-aged. some people just did a gap year. my own flatmate is a second year uni student just like us but she's a year older bc she dropped out of first year bc of covid and reapplied. uni made me realise how common MESSINESS is. i hardly know anyone who got here on the really straight and narrow route, and maybe that's just part of being the covid cohort who knows but there's not a 'correct' way of doing things.

idk i think school is very rigid UNTIL you reach eighteen, and bc the universe is such a bitch you only realise how fluid everything gets post-eighteen ONCE YOUVE MADE THE DECISIONS.

so yeah, if you want to know what i think? chase that place that's calling to you. worst case scenario is it lets you down but you finally scratch the itch; that alone is something to live for. if you ever change your mind, university and that path isn't going anywhere. there's always so much choice, we just sometimes box ourselves in until it feels like there isnt

[tears-of-boredom]

oh my god this fucking tumblr dash i frogort aobut it already and my figner are fucking freezing so i cant tyoe for shit

anyways so i was browsing like you know one of those websites that streams a bunch of shit for free, and i saw a show called BEEF, just BEEF, it wasnt an acronym or anything. so fo course i had to see what was up duh?? so i finished the first episode. and i fucking love it. i mean the whole time i was lowkey chanting "kill someones kill someone kill someone" but you know how good media does that to you right. but yeah so when the episode finished, i noticed that my heart was beating really fast, like as if id drunk coffee. like lowkey i wouldnt have been surprised if i had passed out onto my desk. but so if my bodys reaction to the show is anything, i enjoyed it. im going to watch the next episode when i either A: feel like i can handle my pulse rising like that again without freaking out or B: i wanna get an adrenaline rush because im really depressed and need to feel something. but yeah this is totally just like that time i watches thor ragnarok, and it took like multiple weeks for me to get through it because i just couldnt handle tom hiddleston. but thsi time i refuse to believe that its any of the actors. i am trying to convince myself that im not that shallow. tbh i just loved the last scene where uhh,,, hold on whats her name okay its Amy. so i loved that scene where she got to fuel all her anger into running after Danny and yelling shit at him. like i know its not for a good reason but i feel like my girl really needed just some way to let some steam out. anyways yeah i am going to go read something that i give zero shits about now because my body is still on alert from that. it feels like im planning on having a voluntary social interaction with someone, which i am not. aka i am anxious as fuck but in this way where i kinda dont want to be, but my body just reacts so strongly that i really cant fight it. ya know social anxiety. except sometimes its triggered by just a good tv series.

honestly its probably just that im excited, because that episode was good,, but because this jittery and kind of stressed feeling isnt really like, often present in my life in a positive way, i just can't tell excitement apart from anxiousness. ya know. normal " i have awful social anxiety" things. or more like "i am severely mentally ill and am not getting the treatment i need" kind of things. pick one. or both. tbh the adults suggested uhh like occupational therapy, and i got a list of therapists from my doctor. but my trust in any kind of help the adults try to give me is so fucking deteriorated that i cant imagine it ever actually helpoing me. and if i told that to an adult i know they would say some shit like " well i f you go in all negative of course its notgonna work!! you gotta want to heal for it to work" and oh my god im drviing myself into abreakdown here so haha i wish that the adults would fucking understand that i fucking have severe anxietyy and trust issues. and that not believing a form of therapy is going to help me, isnt the same thing as not wanting to be helped. do you fucking know how badly i jsut want someone to finally give me some type of actual support or aid or help oh my god. okay my fingers are getting really aggressive on the keyboard. im gonna go fr now. i fucking hate adults. and im tired. and i have trust issues. and i ahve anxiety. and while my medication does help me to go about my day a bit easier, because i dont find myself digging mental holes for myself. it doesnt help for shit when im in a situation that in and of itself is anxiety inducing for me. and i dont fucking like how i cant tell the difference in my mood between the lighter and stronger dose. because i cant fucking say that its not heloing. because i dont know that. oh my god i am so horrible at stopping myself from venting. going now. okay. bye.

[deaneybabyinc]

im going insane and i feel like im not real rn so im gonna ramble about my object crushes and various proclivities of mine

im into like base level objectum stuff the eroticism of the machine and whatnot. i think my favorite object attractions are bulky pcs (this laptop does nothing for me i need her to be thick) and sharp objects, i especially love craft supplies that i've bonded with. me and my box cutter are best friends i use her for every project. romantically i really enjoy an object who is there for me and is somewhat diy or battered, something with history you know. i like to think about the life the object has lived and how it still functions despite it. i really have a fun bond with my car. she was my grandmothers car and she has a lot of life in her. shes a 2012 white prius and i care for her a lot. my favorite white girl <3 i also am really into a lot of mathematical concepts i dont know how to explain it but i just think about them and their perfection and i love them. especially shape math like geometry and trigonometry really fascinate me. trigonometry is so hot man like that retro video of the angles of the triangle.... the panties hit the floor.

i rarely develop crushes outside of my specific niches but i do that a thing going on with my among us plushie which is so fucked for me like why did my brain decide on the among us plushie to develop this relationship with kinda fucked up. but their name is mungus and theyre a mungus of the mungus species and i saw them in the store and literally was attached immediately like i was like "okay i have seen you on this shelf and now i love you forever" and theyve hung out with me ever since. we had kind of a sexual fling but i kept getting embarrassed when i remembered that uh. thats a crewmate from the hit game amongus available on all platforms. they're yellow and have a leaf on their head. i love you mungus

i feel like i have been a lot more accepting of thoughts and feelings like this recently. i used to have such a complex about being sane which i think is normal when you have an extensive history of delusions and hallucinations that are really distressing and negative. and because i was so scared of going back to that place i completely rejected everything that wasnt objective reality. but like thats not the person i am. and its so difficult having a heart that falls in love with computers and kins passionately and wants to believe in gods and spirits and past lives and magic and having a brain that is so so scared and cannot let that become true. and i kept yearning for the good parts of being actively delusional. when i wasn't convinced that my room is covered in invisible spiders and i was burning alive and everything smelled like fresh meat, i sometimes felt important and connected with everything and like i knew who i was. which is maybe the only thing that kept me from completely falling apart during these times. the world was agonizing me but its for a reason, and i am so many people but theyre all me. every part of me from the ugly to the beautiful had a special spot. and yes im romanticising it all but its hard not to

anyways it all kinda flipped after i was hospitalized the last time. i lost who i was to precious sanity and to give myself credit ive re-created myself pretty well. but i feel like theres a hole in it. the self crumbled and ive been picking up pieces and trying to throw pieces away that i didnt want to fit in but you cant throw them away they always stay. all that to say i have been trying to reincorporate whimsy and have been doing an admittedly kind of shitty job lol

[rrxnjun]

tbh i love when people tell me their fav artists/music cuz i feel like i just learn a lot about them or like get to know what they are like. and also i just love it when people say/throw in something that i wouldn't expect them to say it's just so fun!!! AND YES TOTALLY AGREE WITH IR TAKE UR MUSIC SHOULD MAKE U HAPPY!!! ahh i love jack manifold he is actually one of the coolest and funniest people out there his streams are just🤌 (okay cool might be a reach but.. /j)

idk my friend says she just skips a lot of parts from episodes with the ones she doesn't like but even if i like or obsess over a show i just can't get my self to finish it (me with the owl house rn;-;) so that method (?) just doesn't help me out😭😭 yeahhh i looked up what it was actually about after i sent the ask cuz i was curious and i didn't really remember hearing about the movie and then i kinda regretted the way i phrased my question🥲but i'm glad it wasn't that bad of a movie!! IM SO HAPPY U KNOW THEM!!! TRUE R5 STAN ISTG😌😌 red velvet is just such a great song i was so obsessed with ittttt but their music just slaps in general

ooo dammnnn slovak drama:oo but i might look up a translation for the song then cuz now im curious:o (and also thank u still for telling me about this song i vibed so hard to it while writing my essays) i feel like slovak arists like them have to be outthere somewhere they might just not be that well know or something but if there actually isn't at all i hope there will be soon!!!!!

YEAH IM SO SAD ABOUT IT☹️but i think it might be better cuz i just have too much school work rn to just go on a trip☹️☹️☹️ PRETTY BUILDINGS ARE THE BEST THERE IS SO MANY OF THEM IN BUDAPEST AND I TAKE A PIC RVERYTIME I SEE A PRETTY ONE ITS THE BEST EVER ITS NOT A WEIRD OBSESSION!!!! and i really hope i will be able to visit the city another time☹️☹️☹️

it won't really be easier until like the end of june so i just hope i survive;-; but thank u though 💞💓💕 and i hope u have a nice and lovely day as well!!!🥳💖💘

(also i saw that tell me who u ship me with post and i just want to say like many other people did that u and haechan would just be very powerful🫢🫢hoping for ur baekhyun concert date with him🫡) (liebestraum anon💕💓)

EXACTLY!!! music taste says so much about a person. and wild unexpected music tastes are so fun like i have a friend that listened to exclusively heavy metal but then played lucifer by shinee on aux and i was like um....what in the- also jack manifold is so dear to me i dont watch his streams but his existence in other ppls videos is always so comedic i love him

WHY WOULD U SKIP PARTS IN EPISODES WHATS EVEN THE POINT OF WATCHING THEN??? thats the same as forcing yourself to watching something 😭😭 if i hate something i just stop bc life is too short yknow what i mean. AND ITS OK u dont have to know abt it djdjdj but i get your concern 😶

AAA if u really want the translation i can translate for u 🥳 i think i looked up the translation for a friend before and wasnt pleased w it bc it didnt really fit the energy so im just gonna do it myself to give the lyrics justice AHAHA if youre interested ofc! glad it helped w essays 😌😌 i physically cant listen to music when writing essays bc then i cant focus so i applaud you HAHA and you are right there must be artists like that here but idk them:((( im gonna try looking for some to appreciate my home country more

I WANNA GO TO BUDAPEST I WAS TALKING ABT THIS W MY FRIEND THE OTHER DAY WHEN WE WERE MAKING PLANS FOR THE SUMMER‼‼ i said i wanna take a train there and just look around and shit she didnt seem convinced but im gonna do it anyway so feel free to be my tour guide we should meet up actually

awh i hope june comes fast for u!! i am chilling rn ((even tho i have 6 essays to write until the end of april) but then i have exams may-jun so i get the stress😩😩 im rooting for u mwah!!

IM SCREAMING. CRYNG. EVERYONE SHOULD STOP TELLING ME THEY SHIP ME W HYUCK BECAUSE I SIMPLY CANNOY DEAL. me @ hyuck: baekhyun concert date when?? or we can just make out in your room and listen to the bambi album instead i dont mind either-

[milfsrok]

Gushing about my boyfriend (sorry)

hi this isnt a vent or anything i js had to get all of this off my chest

My whole life i’ve just been kind of putting mysef into awkward shallow relationships where i’ve never really been able to be myself. I always put on some character or acted 90% of the time to be like, their “ideal” girlfriend. I dont know why i did this, now that I think back to all the people ive liked or my relationships i realize that they never knew me, and they never took the time to try to know me. I always romanticized and sugar coated my previous relationships. I feel like I was more obsessed with the fact that I was in a relationship than my actual partners. 

My last relationship wasnt love. he was obsessed. It wasnt healthy, I constantly lied to myself or convinced myself that its okay, and I dismissed everything he did to me. I was quite literally blind. He knew nothing about the real me and didnt try to know.

But this time I feel like im truly in love. I’m not just saying that like how i have before. im not lying to myself because even before, when i tried to convince myself our relationship was happy and healthy, deep deep down i knew i was lying. i actually feel loved !!

Nothing has been forced, it all occured naturally to me (which has never happened before). No forced feelings, its all just slow and beautiful. I’m not stressed. I’m not scared. I’m not constantly rethinking my feelings. I feel like im flying, i feel like everything around me has become brighter. I cant find the words to express this

He is amazing and I adore everything about him. He makes me appreciate the human soul. I love all of his mannerisms, all of his habbits, all of his good and bad days. He is just beautiful in every way. I love his face and the ways his eyes soften when he looks at me. 

My favourite thing ever is the silences we share. When hes holding me, and we’re just looking at each other and its quiet. Not just physically but mentally its quiet. When im looking at him my brain relaxes and my stresses wash away, I’m instantly sleepy and for a moment everything is okay. And i love that i know hes feeling the exact same way. Its just quiet. and peaceful. And nothing could bother me in those moments.

I feel like I want to nurture him and take care of him with my whole heart. I always want to help in any way I can, I want to get him food, I want to carress his head when hes tired. I want to be the place he can always always go to when stressed. I want to take care of him physically and mentally.

I’ve never been so concerned about someones health before. I’m always concerned about what hes eaten or how hes slept

Whenever I’m close to Declan (anywhere, even in public) I feel instantly safe. declan has never raised his voice at me or gotten mad at me. even when i’m being sooo annoying and difficult and starting something for no reason he never gets mad. When im close to him my brain feels like mush. I dont have to use it when im with him.

When im close to him im suddenly no longer worried about everyone looking at me or if i look okay. Those worries go away, im just focused on his presence.

His presence is calming and its beautiful and its my favourite thing in the world. And even though this all sound extremely corny and cliche and goofy i dont care since its not like anyones gonna see it anyway lmao

I love him