#cant organise thing A without organising B but to get to B i have to clear C but C is sentimental things and i also have useful things D and

[kjclfaller]

kay so cleaning is depressing actually I want to get rid of everything oh my god why is there so much stuff and why is everything so big

[teenyweenyeenymeeny]

I know u csn obviously tell who this is ;3 but who in ur opinion is the most to least CG coded of the phantom thieves im very interested to see what u think bc i cant decide

WELL you have definitely come to the expert. ough this will b difficult though. this will be. Biased especially since it has been soooso long since I actually played the game

Number one ummm Haru 🥺 mostly because of nepotism I will not deny that… but waaa mommymommymommy just imagine having tea parties with her… she would have lovely stuffed animals that she would let you cuddle all you want… even though she was the type of kid to keep her toys so neat and tidy you’d think they are brand new even now so maybe you would b worried about messing them up but she would not mind! she knows how to wash them without damaging them if they are properly messy and if they are just getting to look “well loved” she thinks that is sweet!! oughhhgh imagine wearing the sweetest little outfits she picks out for you… I love her sooo much waaa

Number two… is Makoto probably! She is more obvious I think than Haru? Because Makoto is the responsible one! She’s mama friend! She is good at planning and making sure everything goes well! Like she will make sure she always has some of your baby things with her even if you are big Just In Case and she prepares cute lunchboxes! You can go on picnics nd stuff with her or maybe they are for school :0 nd also. Buchimaru. Friend to you both. I like it when cgs like cute things as well 🤍

Number three is Ann iii am trying so hard to not be too biased I would put her higher if I let myself be more biased. She just ouuughg waaa she is so sweet 🥺 I’m SO sorry that I can’t have a coherent thought about her. Mmmmm sharing lots of desserts! Spoil. Each Other >:) even though uh oh sometimes you end up with tummy aches together also </3 cuddle all better 🥺 nd mmmm Ann does dress up with you waaa she is good at. Fashion so you know when she says you look soso cute then t means a lot!!

Number four is Ryuji ough he’s like. Big brother most EVER he deserves to be in a rank together with Ann I think together they r like. Cool big brother and sister who let you join in on their big kid games but r soso patient with you if you don’t get them. SO so sorry to Ryuji to not say as much about him as th girls I promise I lovlovlov him it is just. Hard to Organise My Thoughts the longer I spend writing this hdkdjdjd I like him so much

Number five is Yusuke ough he does. Arts and crafts with you mainly like ough wht f he draws a picture and then you colour it in… obviously fingerpainting. Nd mmm he can paint your face like your favourite animal if you want! You make a picture for him and he goes oh your attention to detail is exquisite little one and then he puts it somewhere special 🤍 he doesn’t put on a baby voice for you at all he doesn’t get the appeal

Number six is Akira I’m SORRY the only reason he is so far down is because he’s way more baby to me 🥺 I know this is not a cg → baby ranking but. It Does have an effect on his ranking. Although just a teeny one because if I didn’t have to give them all their own numbers they would all be number one 🥺 mmm he is good at caregiving but not a caregiver you know. Like he is. Thoughtful and kind and lovely but he’s also just a baby it is like a little kid with a hamster like… yes he is so good at taking care of it but maybe don’t leave him unsupervised for too long. You know. Like especially if you are doing something fun while little he will start to feel little as well 🤍

Number seven is Morgana I’m sorry but he is. Kitty adjacent. He cares for you as much as a kitty can!! He can cuddle with you and be a weight on your chest and nuzzle into you but he cannot make a bottle or be cuddled INTO or help you get ready for bed. He tries his best though 🥺

Number eight is Futaba I’m SO SORRY I like her SO MUCH and she is not BAD at caregiving she is like Akira… she is lovely at caregiving she just needs to also be reassured throughout or she would worry she is doing it wrong 🥺 she regresses too but like. Not quite baby she is like tween and perhaps then is when she does best with littler regressors cuz she can feel like a cool big sister and show off all her cool stuff

Number nine is Akechi. I’m sorry except I am not because this guy is the only person I am confident on the placement of. He is either the fussiest grumpiest baby or he is easily irritated by kids. If he is trying to take care of someone he would not SHOW that but. You know

Sorry to Sumire enjoyers. I do not remember her well and I don’t think it would be fair to her to rank her

[stomachimage4u]

So idk what in doing. Im gonna explain why i need to die. First of all nobody can convince me that i deserve to live because im a waste of space and oxygen. Everyday i wake up and play games or draw. I dont do anything productive such as studying or reading or exercising. Im too lazy to do stuff like that. Im too lazy to even write rn 😭 i wish my mind could write it for me and i wouldnt need my fingers to type. Im so lazy i dont clean my room, but its not like its too messy i just have to fold my clothes and vacuum and organise. Ok nvm my room is messy. I disappoint my mon. Sometimes i just cant bring myself to do the chores i do them from time to time but i sometimes scoff and throw myself in my bed. I dont see myself in the future. Yeah sure i have drawing skillz but can i really turn them into a job?? Nuh uh artists dont get paid a lot and its going to be even more horrible. Jobs for artist could be: commissions but you have to be very popular on social media, i mean its kinda optional but you need a lot of commissions to pay the bills. Another job as an artist could be clout but its almost same as the commissions. There are a lot of jobs, but its not like i can do any of them. They require skillz that i dont have. You could improve but it takes a lot of time. Art is just another hobby and i dont think i would take it to next level. Another reason that i should die?? For i should die?? Fuck english, is that im fucking ugly. I hate my hair because for at least 2 or 3 years i always kept it in a low ponytail because i look uglier with my hair down. I hate myself i wish I wasn’t so self conscious about my hair . I wish i could get a cool haircut without my mom saying something about it. I would still look cringe with a cool haircut cuz people dont really see me with my hair down not even my mom, and if i let my hair down they gonna b like :”omg she finnally let go of the ponytail” or sum like respectfully stfu, youre making me more insecure. I hate my face. I have a lot of pimples on my forehead. I mean its normal to have pimples but it isnt for me. Like what the fuck???? I havent eaten shit like chips and coke in since summer vacation started and my skin still looks horrible. Its true i sometimes forget to do the skin care routine because im lazy. I hate my eyebrowz. They are so fucking thick😭. I wish i should just give them a slimmer shape but my mom says that my eyebrowz are ok. Yeah, no. They arent. I hate my teeth. They are so yellowish because i sometimes forget to brush my teeth and even if i remember to brush them and actually do it, i give out no effort and i just move the brush in my mouth for 30 seconds and then leave. I dont have the BEST hygiene, i do shower two times a week but i dont really brush my hair or my teeth. I hate being a girl. I dont wanna shave but i still have to because i dont look “feminine” or some shit like stfu i dont wanna shave im lazy. In the end i still shave cuz my mom tells me its for the better. So i hate myself so much, i wanna rip my hair off my head and scream loud AAAAA. And if im so ugly, nobody would want me. I need to be pretty to feel loved. I crave some much attention and love nobody understands. I mean, my parents love me right?? Idk they both are at they jobs and come home late and idk if they forget about me or nah. So now, i have the MOST important reason why i should die. Im egoist and narcissist. I only care for myself, i do things for myself, not for others. I imagine or daydream how i would get a lot of attention and that narcissism because uhhhh i read on the internet and ur prolly gonna be like “dont believe whats on the internet” well fuck it i mean it makes sense to be narcissist and imagine getting a lot of attention. Im a bad person, i make people around me disappointed or sad. So yeah, these were all the reasons why i should die. There's one more reason. I'm stupid but I'm not gonna explain everything you get the point.

[kthyg]

; MARKED | JJK [M]

missions suck but you suck better.

pairing : jungkook x reader

genre : smut, porn with little plot, pwp, spy/agent au

rating : mature

disclaimer : this story is a work of fiction. description of the bts members in this story does not reflect nor portray them in real life everything in this story only fits in imagination and does not apply outside of imagination.

word count : 2k+

warnings: mention of child trafficking, lots of kissing (jk and reader literally eating each others faces out), biting, groping, ass and boobies fondling (🫶🏻 bcs jk is an arse enthusiast i just know), dom jk, sub reader, big dicc jk, blowjob, face fucking, spanking, throat fuck, marking as in carving on skin with knife (jk does it on reader's thigh. dubious consent — if this bothers you, pls do not read this), blood (bloody thigh), cum eating. grammatical errors are bound to be found.

note : IM not SORRY FOR THE SYNOPSIS 🗽 after approximately 2 months of disappearance, im here again with a filth smut 🥰 🥰 ha ha.. i’ll post a oneshot sometime soon🤞🏻 i put deception on hold bcs i cant write it now lol it was supposed to be out by early june like i’ve said but things happened 👍 anyway, here’s a short smut in collaboration with @zyphqr aka my concept supplier 👍

masterlist | navigation

💌 what is winter listening to? ; Taki Taki by DJ Snake (with Cardi B, Selena Gomez & Ozuna)

Jeon Jungkook is an undercover agent and is now on a mission to hunt down the leader of a criminal organisation. His headquarters recently found out about the organisation’s malicious activity which involves child trafficking so Jungkook and his team have been tracking the criminal’s locations as well as their activities.

Jungkook is an excellent agent, you could say.

He always has his own way to bring down his target and this leader is no exception.

He’s at the bar where his target made his deals and transactions according to the investigation reports. The bar isn’t crowded with people which makes it a tad bit hard to be subtle since he’s alone and it’s hard to distract the criminals.

So, in order to blend in with the surroundings - and for his own fun - he needs to find himself a companion to kill some time with while waiting for the chance to catch them.

He settles down on a not-very-obvious spot to keep a close eye on the leader and orders himself a glass of champagne. Taki Taki by DJ Snake starts to play, filling the whole bar with the upbeat music.

His eyes that are always scanning his surroundings land on the dance floor and on you.

Your body's a body to die for; enough flesh at the right places, curves all in the right places. Hips swaying to the beat oh so perfectly. Jungkook knows his gaze isn’t the only one on you. The men around you are lusting over you as much as he is. Your hands teasingly slither around your body and through your hair.

He brings the rim of the glass to his lips without breaking his gaze on your figure, sipping the champagne. As the song progresses, your movements are getting wilder and sexier that he couldn’t help but to stride towards you.

You’re a magnet. Pulling everyone’s attention to yourself.

Jungkook is quick to place his hands on you - shamelessly. His arms did not hesitate to slide around your waist. He knows you are aware of his presence when you press your arse back to his front. He smirks at that.

You reek of alcohol, he could smell it but he takes it as you are sober enough to send over a daring look to him. Your eyes are definitely not ones that are drunk or tipsy. Your gaze is sharp, dare he says, you are challenging him even.

Challenging what? He has no idea but he’s up for it either way.

His calloused hands find their way to your hips and move it to the beat of the song, grinding your arse over his clothed bulge even more. You let him, of course. You let him lead your movements as your head falls on his chiselled chest. His building bulge on your arse only ignites the lust in your veins even more and it seems like he is no different. His control over your body is getting harder and rougher.

Fuck, it only fuels your sex drive.

It’s only grinding on a hard-on, you are no stranger to this but hell, it made you wet. You want to blame it on the alcohol but your alcohol tolerance is high as you could imagine thanks to years into your career.

So it’s definitely not the alcohol to blame.

Even having a sweet distraction, Jungkook is always aware of his surroundings and he definitely didn’t miss when his target made quick steps into the hallway. The target walks to the hallway leading to private rooms with a familiar face. Their client for tonight, from what he had seen in the report. Sensing as if he’s distracted, you stroke his hardness. The sound that left his lips dampens your panties even more.

“You’re a distraction,” he whispers in your ear.

You squeeze his clothed dick. “Push me away then.”

Fuck, you don’t want him to push you away, not when his bulge is grinding on your arse so deliriously.

“I’d rather fuck you out of my system first, love.”

With that Jungkook pulls you out of the dance floor to the hallway. The target is doing his business in one of the private rooms and no signal is given from Jungkook’s team to attack him just yet.

One, two, three bulky men guarding the door.

“Have fun, Jeon.” One of his teammates tells him through the earpiece. “We’ll leave this to you now.”

A smirk crawls its way to his lips at the free command. He looks down at you who’s glued to his side, already looking at him with pleading eyes. Without hesitation, he pushes you to the nearest wall and his lips crash onto yours. Your lips are just like how he had imagined them.

Soft and sweet.

Tastes like fucking sin.

He would kiss you all day but he can’t so he kisses you like there’s no tomorrow instead. He kisses you fervently and you try to match the intensity.

“Fucking hell,” he growls into your mouth. Your moans and whimpers, all, are swallowed by him as he continues to deepen the kiss.

Hands on his sturdy chest, you push back to gasp for dear air but Jungkook has you under his mercy - or the lack thereof - hence his hand roughly grips your hair, tugging at your scalp and places your lips where they are supposed to be; on his.

His tongue works its way to lick and nibble on your lower lip, trying to pry your mouth open for entrance. Hot, minty breath hits your face as if your body isn’t already feeling hot because of the man. Feeling a bit too feisty, your teeth catch his lower lip, biting it and drawing blood. He grunts out a curse.

But much to your surprise - and maybe a tad bit of dismay - he doesn’t pull back, instead, he takes it as an opportunity and invitation to slip his tongue inside of your warm mouth. His tongue vigorously explores your mouth until you are left with no room for tongue fighting for dominance - not like there are any before. He takes away your breath with just a kiss.

Fuck it, that’s far from a kiss. You’d call it devouring.

Jungkook doesn't do kisses.

He devours.

His hands leave your hair and down to trail your spine and finally rest on your arse. He takes his time fondling your fleshy keister that he had been eyeing for since he first laid eyes on you. Your arse fits perfectly in his palm like a perfect mould. Pulling his tongue out, a string of saliva follows suit. Jungkook takes his time to admire your fucked out face - merely from a kiss.

“I’m barely starting and you look like you’re ready to back out once I let go of you, love.” He taunts.

You glare at him through half-lidded eyes. If he is distracted, he would’ve missed it but he doesn’t. Your reaction only spurs his lust for you. You don’t even notice your dress is riding up, leaving your arse exposed. His calloused hands grip roughly on your bum.

Your glare doesn’t last long nor did you have the chance to bite back any remarks, not when his hands spread your arse cheeks and a slap is pressed on the right side of your bum.

A gasp leaves your throat.

He chuckles darkly. “This arse,” Spank. “Has been asking,” Spank. “To be imprinted red.” Spank.

He lands one final blow before his hands creep up to cup your clothed tits. He fondles them slowly and softly, eyes never leaving your breasts.

All while it lasts, his softness, before he pulls down your dress’s bodice rather roughly.

He immediately attaches his lips to one of your perky tits, lapping around the areola and your pebbled nipple. He distributes enough attention to your tits as his fingers play with your untouched boob. Simultaneously, he pinches your nipple and biting down the other, forcing out a cry and a string of curses to spill from your lips.

His soft lips pull away from your flesh, leaving a trail of wet kisses until he reaches your jaw and finally connects back to your lips for a kiss. You can feel his hard-on pressing on your abdomen and fuck if it doesn’t make you shiver just by feeling the enormous bulge.

Your hand makes its way to palm on his clothed hardness with an up and down motion. Your hand is getting bolder at each stroke over his dick. In a hasty movement, Jungkook pulls away from your lips and shoves you down on your knees, eye level to his crotch. His half-lidded eyes are dark with lust.

“Looks so good on your knees,” he praises. “At my mercy.”

He cups your chin, raising your gaze up from drooling over his bulge. “Want to fuck this pretty face, hmm?” Thumb sliding in your mouth as he presses it on your tongue, prying your mouth to open wide and slide out. “Will you let me fuck your mouth?”

“Fuck, yes.” You don’t miss a beat to give him full control and consent over your body, to ruin you, overall.

A growl reverberated in his chest at your eagerness. “So desperate for a cock, huh?”

“Your cock.” That seems to do wonders on him as a possessive glint swims in his eyes.

Jungkook is fast to undo his pants and free his throbbing member. His dick is massive, you wonder if it will fit your mouth. Veins are prominent around his thick length which makes you drool at the sight. Your hands reach to feel his angry red tip that is leaking with precum but he is quick to stop you.

“Hands behind, love.” He commands.

You do as he says.

He grazes his thumb on your bottom lip before cradling your cheek ever so softly. He tucks away a few strands of your hair that falls out of place. It’s weird how this man in front of you can be so loving and soft but in another moment;

He’s the beast.

Jungkook doesn’t waste the time plunging his thick length into your hot, velvety mouth. The sound that escapes his throat leaves your core gushing wet as he bottoms up, balls deep inside your mouth. You try to ignore your gag reflex - it would be good if he could fuck your gag reflex away too - as you take him whole, pressing your face further until your nose hits his pubic hair.

You can feel him deep in your mouth down to your throat. He keeps your head in place, his cock buried deep inside to the back of your throat. Your tongue swirls around the huge length.

Praises spill from his lips. “Fuck, taking my cock like a good girl, yeah?”

You moan in response. The vibration that follows elicits a deep moan from Jungkook. He pulls out of your heat only for the tip of his length to stay inside before he immediately pushes in everything. It becomes a repetitive cycle as he fucks your throat hard.

He grabs your head, controlling your movements like you’re nothing but a cocksleeve combining it all together with his hips thrusting into your heat.

“Gonna cum in this hot mouth,” he moans, looking at you through half-lidded eyes.

After a few slow but hard thrusts, he finishes in your mouth. His hot loads fill your senses as you try to take in everything he gives, like the good girl you are. You end up sucking him off, heads bobbing up and down to milk him dry. You wipe the cum that had slipped out from the corner of your mouth with your thumb, bringing it to the tip of your tongue.

Jungkook pulls you in for yet another kiss and just like before, you’re an utter goner.

He tastes himself on you as his tongue delves into your mouth. His hand brushes through your hair and sits still at the back of your neck to keep you in place.

A cry of pain escapes your throat when you feel a sharp object cut into the skin of your exposed thigh. You pull back - at least you tried to - but your effort is worse than futile. Jungkook sets an iron grip at the back of your neck just to keep you from pushing him away, all while he carves at the expense of your skin.

You bite down his lip until you feel the metallic taste on your tongue.

He pulls away, freeing you from his grip, but his expression is definitely not the one you thought he would be wearing after being bitten until his lip draws blood.

He is smirking.

His tongue licks the wound you left on his lip. Your gaze drops down to your bloody thigh, the one that he had carved his fucking initials on.

“It’s fun hanging out with you, love, but time’s up.”

He turns on his heels. “I’d love to fuck your pussy but I need to take your boss down first.”

Fucking, hell…

taglist : @minnyoon @minshookie29 @mwitsmejk @iamscharene @douknowbts (lmk if any of you want to be removed from the tl!)

reblogging this would mean a lot to me. i appreciate u <3

let me know of ur thoughts about this by leaving a comment or send in an ask! 🫶🏻

All rights reserved © 2022 kthyg. Do not copy, translate, modify or repost without permission.

[keerishima]

HELLO! I saw you were a new blog that needed requests and I was wondering if you could write head-canons for todoroki, bakugou, and kiri (separately) with a s/o that has a witchcraft quirk? TY

well hi! thank you for the request, it was so cool to write! now i’m assuming you mean like a quirk that works like potions and herbs/crystals and spirit summoning and spells which is the road i’m taking i hope that’s okay?

now this boy is

excited

when he first saw the mist swirling around your fingers as you fought the robots in the UA exam, a shock went through his body

what was that? 

okay he didn’t mean to stare- considering he was in the middle of an exam- but the way you moved and the glints of a crystals around your body was just so cool

time passed and he got closer to you, during the dorm competition your room was the only room he wanted to see and boy did he love it

the green ivy and plants in your room, the pots and white smoke curling from diffusers and shelves full of powder and inks organised in a neat row

your room felt like a whole new world- like magic

literally after everyone had left he was still in your room looking around like a meerkat assessing it’s surroundings

fast forward; you guys are dating and he was VERY curious as to how your quirk worked, and you explained how your spells and energy came from the crystals and jewels

each crystal gave you a different energy, which converted to your power!

kirishima literally watched in awe as you pointed at all the different coloured gems and jewels and the symbols on your walls

he even asked to touch some of them and asked where you got them

he also asked to see them in battle, and asked if you had any similar to his own quirk!

the both of you engaged in LOTS of different mock battles, which almost always ended up in a play fight rather than real training- just because he ends up enjoying watching you use your quirk too much to actually focus

once you two had engaged in a long, breathless make out session against one of the walls- what can I say? you wanted to see what it felt like to kiss kirishima in his red riot form and have him melt back to normal under your touch

yeahh...it was a bad idea to do that in the school gym, where half of class 1-B caught you two mushed together against a wall

back to the hc!

he asks SO many questions

sometimes just sits on your bed for ages and asks one after the other after the other, to the point where aizawa has to come and send him back to his side of the dorm

let me tell you now: if you are 1) planning to get anything or 2) NEED anything, don’t let him find out

you once let it slip that you were considering getting pouches to carry these crystals, and the sweet, sweet boy went out and bought BUCKETS of bags

yes buckets because he didn’t know if your crystals would be affected by material or size of the bag or- god forbid what if it did and he ruined your quirk in battle?! 

he’d never forgive himself.

ever.

like literally he’d be on his knees ready for punishment of how you saw fit because of his mistake

what can i say? the boys dramatic

but its endearing :,)

it ended up being the cutest date of you cuddled up on his bed wrapped in his blankets like you were drowning in them,

whilst he sat on the floor, presenting each little bag and pouch to you, all teleshopping style.

‘and THIS 🤩 gorgeous article comes with not just 1😱! not just 2 😱! but THREE 🤯🥵🥳🥳 buttons to clip close to ensure a tight, secure hold of your 😏 special package’

yeah he made a sleazy face

yeah you threw a plushy at him

all of them were bought with your costume in mind and how could you not keep some of the bags? with kirishima watching you with the biggest eyes and slightly-pouting-lips-but-he-would-never-admit-it there was no way you didn’t keep the most useful ones

you asked him to return the extra bags so he wouldn’t have wasted his money, whilst you repaid his kindness with lots and lots of kisses and cuddles

;) or more depending on how you want it

todoroki is uhh...

emotionally constipated

but thats not his fault

#fuckendeavour

sometimes it comes off that he’s not interested in your quirk in a general sense, but it’s only because he doesn’t know how to ask without seeming pushy

he gets shy (but doesn’t show it) but with time that decreases to a sort of dry affection

i’m not saying he’s a dry boyfriend but he definitely isn't as spritely as someone like Denki might be

the way you’d see that he wanted to know more was if he asked you to come and fight with him, train with him and study

this is where he asked about your quirk

he didn’t ask to the extent of kirishima, who said everything that came to mind, he asked precise questions that gave him all the information he was desperate to know because you are so cool it makes his heart burn needed

and he also knew you would add more information as you explained, which he loved because he loved hearing you talk so passionately

this time your quirk allowed you to control people to an extent, depending on different plants and herbs you used

the plants each had a special line, muttered as you dropped the herbs anywhere on your opponent for it to activate

best believe todoroki asked for one to knock endeavour out, literally out of nowhere💀

once, one night you had been laying on your bed, and todoroki had popped over to see you. it was still quite early on in your relationship so you weren’t expecting him to cuddle up beside you and tuck into your smaller body, chin hooked onto your shoulder whilst his eyes bore into yours from below todoroki loves eye contact

‘Do your plants have meanings?’

that’s it, that’s all he softly whispered in your ear

‘What do you mean?’ You whispered back

‘Like...like roses mean love...do your herbs have a meaning linked to what they do?’

okay now he was blushing, very gently because he didn’t want to annoy you, or ask you a question you’d never thought of and make you feel silly or insecure about his quirk

YOU on the other hand were smothering a dopey grin. you knew your boyfriend and his boundaries, and you knew that him asking you in such an intimate setting meant he was trying hard for you

you also knew that he’d just given you free reign to ramble however you saw fit

so you explained, how each herb did this, how if you mixed them they did that, if you made a liquid infused with them it helped with your application in battle and so much more

todoroki listened silently, but his eyes were gleaming

literally glowing in the darkness- I mean was that even possible? it had to have been considering how todoroki looked at you that night

after you were done, he replied with a similar thing about his own quirk, and both of you had a long long chat that went from quirks, to schooling, to life, to aliens and more

todoroki had the weirdest humour, he never knew he was being funny until your quiet giggles morphed into full blown laughter- and caused a knock from the next room over because you were being too loud

he would let out his own little chuckles and smirks, seeing you enjoy his company so much

it was a while after that day when something new happened

you’d sent him a message, whilst he was sitting right next to you, and your contact name flashed on his screen suddenly, catching your eye

‘my calendula’

you looked at todoroki

todoroki looked at you

you both blinked

‘calendula?’ you asked

‘yes’ todoroki replied

‘why calendula?’

‘because,’ todoroki blushed deeply, eyes flickering away from yours

‘because you said calendula means joy...you’re my joy. arent you?’

and god help anyone who tries to say you aren’t todoroki’s joy

because you would literally throw them to the ground

your heart soared at how todoroki loved you and your quirk so much

even though it wasn’t blatantly obvious, it was the little things he did for you 😍

he originally going to call you his basil until Bakugou came round behind him asking him if he was writing the dorms grocery list. safe to say that plan was aborted immediately :D

oho

sorry I just

*pfft*

bakugo amuses me, he really does he’s so entertaining

okay sorry back to the headcanon

I headcanon you’re REALLY strong

like STUPID strong

Remember bakugos reactions to all the students quirks and he was like ‘shit I cant beat them 😨’

And his reaction to todoroki? yeah he’d literally see you use your quirk and just

no I’m joking

but I feel like as your s/o he’d be super obsessed with your quirk

he’d always want to train with you, he’d see it as an amazing part of you that he wants to help hone so you can be the best of the best

not better than him obviously but the best anyway

not that he’d SHOW all of this awe and pride to you, it’s normally delivered in a bunch of bakugo sentences:

‘oi your form is shit. do this instead.’

that means he’s realised a new way you can throw this punch, with much more force

‘tch, go train. you need the training.’

he wants to train with you. again.

‘....finally. took you long enough to learn that.’

you’ve just done something successfully and he’s trying so hard not to blush at how well you did it.

here your power is more destructive

you can create sigils using a your finger in the air and they create attack power

this with bakugos quirk makes a formidable duo, and if he doesn’t get partnered with you he will most likely throw a fit

but not a long fit more of a like ‘oi why is she over there we work better together’

but he realises as heroes you need to work well with anyone you meet, so he’s not too fussy

because of the fact that you draw the sigils, you have a habit of tracing out patterns and new symbols and any sort of designs subconsciously

this is done normally on any part of your skin, with a pen

bakugo being old man bakugo 🙄 got mad at you

he told you off for almost giving yourself ink poisoning and ruining your hand and making it all dirty drama queen

but throughout all of this bakugo had been clutching your hand, and best believe he wasn’t letting go

he used the hand he was holding to pull you along and sit comfortably, dropping his own palm into your lap and mumbling something that kind of, sort of, might have been along the lines of ‘use my arm dumbass’

now you had bakugos arm to scribble on to your hearts content.

you used this when you were stressed, worried that your nerves were causing you to forget things or simply because you wanted to hold bakugo close

in fact, bakugo himself had adopted this habit, and you’ll notice I said arm instead of hand

bakugo got nervous around you, and therefore sweaty, which therefore lead to tiny little explosions in his palms when you were near

but this habit had started to make him feel comfortable with his hands around you, it made him trust himself more

he knew his power was strong and he didn’t want to hurt you, your quirk was something that helped him with that

and he wouldn’t tell you that but he was grateful. VERY grateful

he once asked why you used pen, and not your finger on your skin considering the pen ink is toxic

you answered very quickly, by pulling out a sheet of people and sliding your finger across the surface in a sigil shape

promptly the paper burnt into a cinder :)

and bakugo never asked again

and that is the end! I hope you liked it and I did the idea of Witchcraft justice 😅 please do send some more requests!

god I loved this so much they’re all so cute :,) thank you for this request!!

[silvermahogany]

Talking about a few songs I associate with my favourite aonoex characters bc i enjoy shoving my music taste in people's faces and analysing the shit out of nothing <3

Recent chapter spoiler warning lessgo, also mentions of suicide tw

THE MAIN MANS HIMSELF

Still feel - Half•Alive

"I am not a slave, so pick me from the dark and pull me from the grave"

In my mind, this is his themesong without a doubt. Its reached the point where wherever i hear it it makes me really happy because I associate it with him so strongly :,D might just be because I found it while getting back into the fandom when Ren was kinda transitioning to my favourite so they came up together but either way, absolute banger. The bit at the end when everything drops and the lead singer belts his heart out, I always love to picture Ren doing the same in the illuminati uniform with Yamatanka building around him and I've never wanted to learn how to animate more in my life cause my GOD he's so cool.

My favourite song for my favourite character <3

Preach - Saint Motel

"Oh im down on my knees, mercy"

Its so happy and bouncy?? And the vibes are immaculate?? Matches well with the themes of religion as well, this one definitely shows his flirty loverboy side more, it gives the impression of some lovestruck idiot stumbling over himself every time his crush does anything and honestly, sounds like something he'd do. Good song makes me go :))))

Your Love (Deja Vu) - Glass Animals

"You eat us up, you live like you're on camera"

I feel like this one captures his spy side a little more than the others. The lower notes in the main verses give a secretive feel, like he's halfway through a mission and trying trying stay silent. But it's also flirty in a more smooth way than wholesome crushes like the rest. The lead singer has such a gorgeous voice too i'll praise glass animals until the day i die 🥺🥺 God tier song god tier vibe 1000000/10

Do It All The Time - IDKHOWBUTTHEYFOUNDME

"Now we're so young but we're probably gonna die, it's so fun we're so good at selling lies"

Now THIS is a song for a spy working for a secret deadly organisation, all about world domination and having a great time doing it. Renzou is a free spirit and loves the freedom of his job, and this song really captures that for me. He knows he's in danger, but he's living his best life and he's having a great time doing it baybeeee B)))

Sweet Talk - Saint Motel

"You could yell 'piss off won't you stay away!' And still be sweet talk to my ears"

Ren is a persistent little shit when it comes comes crushes and this song shows it, a song about a guy who's so infatuated he doesn't care if he's hated or laughed at, he just loves hearing their voice. I see this as a bit of a yukishima anthem tbh, I feel like in the early stages of their relationship it would be pretty one sided with Shima trying to win him over and Yukio shutting him down so this matches that pretty well :>

Cant go five minutes without talking about them can i-

Honourable mentions-

Talk too much - COIN - very flirty and cheesy considered it as his themesong for a while

Toxic - Britney Spears - self explanatory :)

Razzmatazz - IDKHBTFM - everything they make shows his spy side imo, good for daydreaming

Van horn - Saint Motel -honestly anything by Saint Motel or Half•Alive reminds me of him, great bands :D

YUKIO MY BELOVED

Yukio was weirdly a lot harder for me to find songs for. For Renzou i have a giant playlist I add to over time, supreme comfort playlist egegegeheh, but Yukio's is a lot shorter for some reason. I guess his vibe is a little difficult to get down but a while scrolling through my main playlist and I think I have a decent few that at least match his character development and plotline.

Stressed Out - Twenty one Pilots

"Out of student loans and treehouse homes we all would take the latter"

Pretty self explanatory really, mans was forced to grow up and mature way faster than he shouldve had to, having a high stress job by the age of 13 studying for two meister all while studying to be a normal doctor as well. Not much of a surprise he has so many mental issues by the beginning of the story. I dont listen to much TOP but the few songs I know seem to fit Yukio pretty nicely :)

Oh Klahoma - Jack Stauber

"Those aren't meant to bend, no those arent meant to bend"

Another song based on depression, but with a much quieter feel, much lower energy. I feel like this one more links to his tendencies of delf destruction, and how alone he feels as he faces his battle. Like he's singing into the void hoping for something to reply, but nothing will. Man :(

The Fall - Half•Alive

"I'd jump off and into your arms but i cant trust the fall"

I feel like this one highlight his story to Rin in a really realistic way. Yukio has a good heart, he's kind and wants to love his brother and open up to him he wants to get better. But he's so deep in his pit of depression and conflicting feelings over his brother that he can't bring himself to, he sees no way out. God I wanna write an analysis on his character so bAD-

Baby Hotline - Jack Stauber

"Numb, I've been burning with haste and I'm realising now it's a terrible waste"

We just keep getting darker huh, didn't pick very pleasant tunes for this boy did I. A bouncy, happy song about a girl calling a suicide hotline, lovely. But i feel like it describes his mental state pretty well, outside he seems ok. Sure Rin picks up that somethings off, but once Yukio assures him he doesnt really persist above asking him a couple times. But below the facade he's really reaching his breaking point, and I love how this song contrasts those two tones in a scarily natural way. Absolute banger

Fireflies - Gorillaz

"And if you say goodbye too many times, the sentinels will find me and switch me off this time"

One of my absolute favourite Gorillaz songs by far. The melody is so gorgeous, melancholic in the best kind of way. For Yukio I feel like it signifies how trapped he feels as Satan's son, he's hit his lowest point and he doesnt know how to start moving back up. But the song also has a hopeful feel to it, as if even though he feels lost, he will get better. In the recent chapters we see a moment of reconciliation between Yukio and the people around him, with Suguro forgiving him and tye two brothers finally getting a chance to to things out. Before everything went to shit lmaoo. But with that i really hope that after all the fighting is done, Yukio will finally get the chance to see how bad things have gotten, and reach out to get better. And this song shows that for me :D

Honourable mentions!!

Creature - Half•Alive - the first song I ever added to his playlist, there for sentimentality tbh

Cane shuga - Glass Animals - the plonky noises make the happy chemical go buckwild, not sure why it reminds me of him it just kinda does really

I Earn My Life - Lemon Demon - mans is overworked give him a break :( ngl i don't associate it with him much but i wanted to edge a lemon demon song in somewhere-

Dead inside - Younger Hunger - whenever I hear this I always imagine a really cool animation of him and it always plays out the same way and MAN I wanna animate so baDD

Absolute wordvomit woohoo, hypervocused on this instead if doing the assignment due this evening I'm a fantastic student. This was kinda fun tho!!! I might do other characters at somepoint, these guys are my favourites but i have a bunch of playlists for other characters like Amaimon and Shura, recommendations are welcome too!!

[not-poignant]

You listed all this before but I cant find it and was wondering if you have enough spoons to share again: You kind of walked through your writing process before. I'm starting to write and I have some ideas but they are a cluster fuck and was wondering about your process of world building and how you format your story lines to make sure its heading where you want it to be heading.

Thanks for taking the time!

Heyyy, I found the post that refers to this!

It's here and it looks at your story acts, and story arcs. Or your acts 1/2/3 (or however many acts, different authors sometimes use a different number) and your A/B/C arcs.

The reality is, I don't plan a lot of my stories, so there's only a limited number of stories where I've done any of the things you refer to. So probably The Ice Plague is the best bet, on that.

Normally I get an idea of what I want to happen in my acts, and I won't start a story until I have a fairly clear idea of how at least the first major story ends. I don't like starting stories without knowing the ending, and if that's how other folks like yourself do it, I can't help you, because it's pretty foundational to how I do things.

Once I know like, the ending and the major beats (the major beats being the things / scenes that inspired me to write the whole story in the first place), and once I know my characters, I will generally start to organise everything into chronological acts, with A/B/C storylines, focusing on my character's motivations (all of the characters, not just my main characters - Vane's character motivations, in The Court of Five Thrones for example, seem like such a minor thing until the end, and the same with Mikkel. There are so many seminal scenes in that story - as with Ash's mutiny as well, or Albion attacking Gwyn, that would never have happened quite that way if I didn't give each character their own goals and motivations and only focused on my main characters).

For authors like myself who are more character than plot focused, plot comes from the character's motivations and actions, and not the other way around.

Anyway, that link might help! I mean I hope it does. Give that a read and if you still have any questions feel free to let me know. :)

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[scripttorture]

So I’ve seen a few organized crime asks and wanted to ask something for a book I’ve been working on. How do I show characters living with things like chronic pain and depression and anxiety after being exposed to violence, without adding to stigma that mentally ill people are violent? I don’t want readers to think committing violence will not affect people in any way, but I also don’t want readers with mental illness to think their own disorder is a punishment for something they haven’t done.

That’sa good question.

Anda bloody difficult one.

I’vebeen pretty open about having mental health problems, intrusivethoughts about violence and how these stereotypes have effected me.

Butthat experience only really allows me to speak for myself. I can’treally speak for the  millions, of other people in the same position.Some of them are likely to feel differently. I’ve seen peoplerespond to @scriptshrink’s blog by saying they don’t thinknon-mentally ill people should write about mental health at all.Personally- I don’t agree, but we’re not a monolithic group.There are huge differences of opinion here.

So-other people may disagree. This is a subjective issue rather thansomething I can fall back on research papers and statistics for. Keepthat, and my biases, in mind.

Whenit comes to writing my philosophy is ‘balance’. Which in thisparticular case means that I’d try to add in more mentally illcharacters who are not violent criminals.

Oneof the easiest ways to do that in this scenario is to include thefamilies of these criminals.

Let’spause for a moment for a tangent into a real life case. Take a lookat the appendices of thisbook (freely available online here),we’re looking at Case Group B, Case No 3, page 168 out of 196.

Theyoung woman of ‘Case No 3’ was the daughter of a torturer and thecases are Fanon’s notes taken as a mental health professionalduring and after the Franco-Algerian war.

WhatI’m trying to highlight here is the way violence can impact themental health of witnesses and people who are only peripherallyinvolved as well as attackers and victims. I think including peoplefrom these groups could help because it gets to the root of whatyou’re driving at: that violence causes mental health problemsrather than the other way round.

I'dalways encourage people to include victims in their stories, if itcan be done in a way that allows them to be fully rounded individualsrather than objects.

Howeverthat’s not always possible if the story focuses on the ‘badguys’.

Otherwitnesses and public officials can also be used to show the effectsof violence. I suppose police officers are the obvious group to leapto but in places where the levels of violence are high there oftenseems to be a huge pressure on health care professionals. They’reexposed to much of the violence of organised crime and they’resometimes deliberately targetted (as in Mexico and Pakistan).

Ifyour story involves any of the criminal characters being injured andin need of emergency treatment- well @scriptmedic always used tosuggest trying to give medics more personality even if they’re onlyin the story for a short amount of time. A connection with thepatient over shared mental health problems could be a good way to dothat. Especially since a doctor could plausibly voice the obviousconnection: they feel this way because they’re exposed to violenceevery day.

Ithink if you can it’s also important to take the time to show thesemental health problems developing in your abusive characters.Establish that they were violent long before they were mentally ill.

Youmight not have space in the story to show that development from thebeginning of the character’s time in a gang. But if you don’tthere are other ways to work that in.

Havinga character reflect on their past is a possibility, or having someonewho knows them well point it out to them.

‘Youknow you never had to take those pain pills until you started doingx’

‘Youdidn’t have these days before you joined the gang-’

‘Youwere so much calmer when-’

Andso forth.

Youcould also approach this by looking at the way older more establishedmembers see younger members. If your older mentally ill character whohas seen a lot of violence now has this ‘kid’ trying to tagalong, wanting to learn the ropes, wanting to be ‘tougher’ and‘stronger’- It would probably be naturally for the character tolook back and think ‘I thought like that too, before the painstarted, before I needed the pills, before I spent weeks at a time inbed. This dumb kid has no idea what they’re asking.’

Bothof these tactics are… attacking the idea at the joints. The firstone is establishing that mental illness exists outside of violentaction and the second is establishing that the character was violentbefore being mentally ill.

Thereare probably other ways to approach doing this. These are just theways that stood out to me and that I thought would fit the scenariobest.

Ithink you’d probably also benefit from finding a beta reader orjoining a writing group.

Becausethis sounds like the sort of scenario where the execution is going tobe incredibly important to how this comes across. It’s not justabout picking a few strategies it’s about making sure they acrosseffectively on the page. And the best way to find out is to getpeople to read it. Ask them about the story. Ask them how theportrayal of mental health problems comes across. Ask for theirsuggestions for more elements or improvements.

Honestlythis helps so much. I can’t count the number of times my writinggroup have picked up on inconsistencies, unclear passages or justplaces where re-writing things a little could improve the emotionalimpact of the scene. Clarity, consistency and good use of atmospherewill go a long way to achieving what you want in this story.

AndI’ve found that it’s very easy to assume we’ve got all thosethings the way we want them as we write. Because we know what wemean. Showing other people our work and getting their feedbackreassures us when we havegot it right and helps us figure out what to do when we haven’t.

Ihope that helps. :)

Availableon Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[midnight-circus]

alphabetical OC meme

filled this out for Lord Asshole bc i cant write anything so i may as well fill in questionnaires instead

also numerous numbers and at least one section were missing when i copied it so idk what happened there

under the cut bc its Long As Hell

A: Aptitude 1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young? // Independence lmao. He could get through his whole life relying entirely on himself if need be. He wouldn’t be happy, but he’d survive. He’s also naturally intellectual and has never had to try very hard in academia.

2. what activities have they participated in? // literally what does this mean. Safe to say he’s not exactly playing team sports.

3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for? // He’s had to work extremely hard to shed the bad habits learnt whilst growing up in a white aristocratic dysfunctional family. Other than that, he’s a talented pianist – the only thing his mother was ever proud of. Also sending work-emails that don’t make him sound like a total dick. still working on that tbh

4. what things are they bad at? // Honestly, anything creative. He’s very intelligent but has absolutely no artistic talent, and he’s not at all imaginative – creating something out of nothing when it doesn’t have a logical or scientific basis is pretty beyond him.

5. what is their most impressive talent? // In his original AU, and any fantasy AUs I force him kicking and screaming into, swordsmanship. He’s pretty untouchable with a blade.

B: Basics 1. what is their hair color?// Dark brown, close to black.

2. what is their eye color? // Also dark brown.

3. how tall are they? // 6’2

4. how old are they? // He fluctuates depending on the AU, but his default base-age is 34.

5. how much do they weigh? // Generally between 150-180lbs, depending on his age, eating habits and mental state. When he’s going through stress, his eating and sleeping patterns are the first to nosedive.

C: Comfort 1. how do they sit in a chair? // His posture leaves a lot to be desired. He slouches pretty badly, and to be honest his height makes it difficult to get comfortable in most regular chairs. He also manspreads, though to be fair his legs are about 3 miles long and it’s hard to know where to put them honestly

2. in what position do they sleep? // Either on his side or his front. Never on his back.

4. what is their major comfort food? why? // oh man sugar. His eating habits aren’t good at the best of times, but when he’s feeling Mentally Ill he’s prone to 4am binges of as much sugar as conceivably possible in one sitting. He then goes for a 5am run until he throws up, so yknow. all nice and healthy.

5. who is the best at comforting them when down? // Elrick. Gross. Also Kat, to be fair.

D: Decoration 1. how would they decorate a house if they had one under their name? // He’s very fond of Nordic design and tries to keep vibrancy to a minimum, because he’s a boring bitch. Light walls, dark woods, pretty stylish furniture but no chrome Thank You Very Much; accent colours would probably be dark blues or greens. Plants, but only if he doesn’t have to water them because he Will forget and they Will all die. He’s also anal as fuck and despises mess and disorder, which makes living with Elrick fuckin interesting to say the least.

2. how would they decorate their child’s room? // however they wanted as long as it wasn’t pastels bc a man has to draw the line somewhere

3. how do they decorate their own room? // muted, calm, maybe a little regency – he accessorises more in the bedroom than he does in the rest of the house, gold accents here and there, that sort of thing. Less austere, more opulent. At the end of the day, he’s from an aristocratic background, however unhealthy his upbringing was – he can never quite shed the appreciation for luxe.

4. what type of clothes and accessories do they wear? // He dresses well – very put-together, if very monochrome. He doesn’t do casual very well and will avoid jeans unless he has no other choice. He would quite literally rather die than wear shorts. As for colours, generally blacks, greys, dark jewel-tones (maroons, dark greens, dark purples, etc). Very rarely light colours, and if he does wear light tones he layers them – a white shirt under a dark leather jacket, for example. As for accessories, he stays simple with a decent watch (Patek Phillipe, thanks, none of this Rolex bullshit) and two rings (wedding ring and onyx signet ring – family heirloom, the only one he has). He knows how to dress to suit himself.

5. do they like makeup/nail/beauty trends? // >:[  

E: External Personality 1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality? // For the most part. How he behaves has been moulded over many years by how he thinks and feels, and it’s hard to shed the habits of a lifetime. EG, he’s very neurotic and it does have an impact on his organisation – if his mental state slips into decline, so too does his command over his surroundings and his ability to keep things on track.

2. do they do things that conform to the norm? // Again, for the most part. A key element of his upbringing was the overbearing sense of being watched, being judged, being on display; one behaves the way one is expected to behave, and one never deviates from that path. Obviously he fucked that one right up when he started putting dicks in his mouth, but it still remains something of a mantra.

3. do they follow trends or do their own thing? // Neither, really. He doesn’t follow trends because he’s actually 70 years old and doesn’t know what they are, but nor is he particularly unconventional. He does his own thing because he has no idea what anybody else is currently doing.

4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads? // oh god no. he has a twitter account but the last time he used it he got drunk and tweeted at jeremy paxman that he was a cunt so he doesn’t really engage with it very much

5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own? // People are left to figure it out. He doesn’t go out of his way to make friends or advertise his personality – he’s friendly when he needs to be, but is not the sort of person to go out actively socialising.

G: Gorgeous 1. what is their most attractive external feature? // His height makes him pretty popular and he knows how to dress well. He also has that particular ‘tall, thin, dark hair, pale skin, heroin-addict-esque’ chic that some people tend to go for. He doesn’t really get it, himself.

2. what is the most attractive part of their personality? // He’s witty in a very dry way – a little sharper than run-of-the-mill sarcasm.

3. what benefits come with being their friend? // Ok honestly? Money lmao. idk man you’d have to ask Kat bc she’s the only one who’s lasted this long

4. what parts of them do they like and dislike? // Though he projects an aura of self-assurance, he really doesn’t like very much about himself; his upbringing and unhealthy relationship with Catholicism did a number of his self-esteem. He’s proud of his intellect and knows he is smarter than the average person, but other than that, not a great deal.

5. what parts of others do they envy? // General happiness. He’s a melancholy person by nature and doesn’t tend to feel a swell of positive emotions for no reason – he can’t help but feel there’s something inherently wrong in his brain.

H: Heat 1. do they rather a hot or cold room? // n e i t h e r bitch his internal temperature must remain on an even keel at all times. Probably cold, if he was forced to pick.

2. do they prefer summer or winter? // Winter because it means he can wear layers

3. do they like the snow? // yes but he’ll never admit it. he finds it romantic. that must never be repeated.

4. do they have a favorite summer activity? // lying in front of the fridge cursing God

5. do they have a favorite winter activity? // coffee dates. Independent coffee shops, mind you – fuck Sbux.

I: In-the-closet 1. what is their sexuality? // Gay

2. have they ever questioned their sexuality? // he spent more than half his teen years wishing he was straight

3. have they ever questioned their gender? // No

4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT? // mother denies it completely, father kicked him out, brother doesn’t give a shit bc he’s bi as hell himself

5. how long would/did it take for them to come out? // He was forced out at 16 when he was caught with a boyfriend in the boathouse of Darlington estate – it marked the end of an already abusive parental relationship. To be honest, it’s hard to say if he would have ever had the courage to come out himself.

J: Joy 1. what makes them happy? // Feeling loved. He got very little of that in his youth.

2. who makes them happy? // Elrick has an uncanny ability. Who’d have thought it.

3. are there any songs that bring them joy? // He particularly loves Dancing in the Dark by Springsteen, and All Along the Watchtower by Hendrix. Neither are very joyful songs, granted, but they’re two of his favourites.

4. are they happy often? // He’s contented often, and he enjoys his life. ‘Happy’, though? Not sure.

K: Kill 1. have they ever thought about suicide? // More than once.

2. have they ever thought about homicide? // Not with any real intent. In a modern AU, anyway – can’t say the same for any of his other incarnations.

3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? who? // Way deep down somewhere, he’d be tempted to say his father.

4. who would miss them if they died? // More people than he knows.

5. who would be happy they died, anyone? // lmao the tax agency probably. His father wouldn’t be happy, per se, but perhaps it would solve a problem.

L: Lemons 1. what is their favorite fruit? // Black cherries.

2. what is their least favorite fruit? // fuck bananas, honestly

3. are there any foods they hate? // Peanut butter can die, and also asparagus can also die.

4. do they have any food intolerances?  // Not that he knows of.

5. what is their favorite food? // Probably Thai or Korean.

M: Maternal 1. would they want a daughter or a son? // He technically has a son already. Kat wanted a child and she trusted Logan above an anonymous donor, so one stressful jack-off session, a weird experience with a baster and eight months later, Rowan showed up early.  Logan technically has no parental responsibilities or rights, but he’s involved in Rowan’s life nonetheless. And then there’s Bastian, whose own father leaves a Little To Be Desired in the emotional department, let’s say, so ultimately he winds up taking on that role as well.

2. how many children do they want? // One’s enough, ta, and that one doesn’t even live with him. In seriousness, he’s always idly thought about children in his life, but not with any real seriousness – he plays his role with Rowan well and he’s a great uncle to Bastian, but kids wouldn’t suit his and Elrick’s lifestyle.  

3. would they be a good parent? // Yeah, he probably would.

4. what would they name a son? what would they name a daughter? // Demetrius or Victor for a boy, Ophelia for a girl. How else will people know he’s a pretentious bitch?

5. would they adopt? // Nah

O: Optimism 1. are they optimistic or pessimistic? // Total pessimist.

2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others? // No and he cannot stand it when other people force optimism into entirely inappropriate situations.

3. are they good at giving advice? // lmao not unless it’s legal advice. Then yes, absolutely. Just don’t cry on his kitchen floor.

4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them? fukkin Katherine. She’s the only one allowed to get away with it.  

5. were they always optimistic/pessimistic? // Yeah, he was a pretty dour, anxious little kid from the start.

P: Personality 1. what is their best personality trait? // From a professional perspective, he’s extremely clear-headed and analytical, and it serves him very well as a criminal prosecution lawyer – there’s not much that slips by him, and he can spot a loophole coming a mile away.

2. what is their worst personality trait? // He’s … difficult to get along with, for a lot of people. Not nasty as such, but he’s sharp-tongued and quite quick to anger in situations outside of his job, particularly when stressed. He also has a tendency to look down on people (particularly people who aren’t considered ‘smart’ by his standards) and let’s be real, he’s pretty classist – it takes him a long time to come to terms with Bastian’s relationship with Fabian. Elrick is more than happy to call him out on this.

3. what of their personality do others love? // Didn’t we already do this?

5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities? // god he cannot abide people who aren’t punctual oh GOD he hates people who aren’t punctual

Q: Questions 1. do they ask for help? // Not unless he’s literally dying

2. do they ask questions in class? // to be honest, he generally didn’t need to

3. do they answer questions that make them a little uncomfortable? // Depends on the context, but he generally tries to avoid giving out personal information.

4. do they ask weird questions? // He keeps his weird questions to himself and Googles them later.

5. are they curious? // By nature. It was curiosity that got him into the godawful mess he ended up in re: his source material.

R: Rules 1. do they follow rules? // Generally yeah, aside from the occasionally joint now and then. Although saying that, he does run very much on his own moral code, so I suppose he follows rules as long as he agrees with the sense and logic behind them.

2. would they be a strict or laid-back parent? // It’s odd, his instinct is to be strict but he would also loathe the thought of being anything like his father, so he might swing entirely the other way in an attempt to avoid that. Hard to say. He definitely wouldn’t be like … a fun, playful parent because that’s just not in his nature, but it’s possible he’d relax his own rules significantly. Although he is fairly strict with Rowan, it’s for Rowan’s benefit - he needs rules and boundaries to be comfortable, and Logan’s not a traditional ‘father’ in that case anyway.

3. have they ever been consequenced for breaking a rule? // he was ‘consequenced’ pretty fuckin badly for daring to kiss a boy

4. have they broken any rules they now regret breaking? // oh god probably, he has more regrets than he can count

5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous? // He’s not got a lot of time nor respect for people who follow rules totally blindly without having some sense of self-critique.

S: Streets 1. are they street-smart? // Depends on the AU, but for the most part he’s too privileged.

2. would they give money to someone on the streets? // no because he’s actually horrible

3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets? // No, but he has gotten in a fight in a bar. Kat will not let him forget it.

5. are they cautious when out? // A little paranoid, perhaps, but it doesn’t stop him.

T: Truth 1. are they honest? // define ‘honest’

2. can they tell if someone is lying? // Yes, it’s literally his job.

3. is it obvious when they’re lying? // Nope. He’s a consummate liar.

4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about? // he lied and told Elrick that yes, he’d had sex before their first time, and then regretted it twenty minutes later when they were forced to stop because he almost died. it's fine. they worked it out

5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will? // not really – he plays his cards very close to his chest. Nothing gets out if he doesn’t want it to.

U: Underdog 1. have they been bullied? // Only by his parents.

2. have they bullied anyone? // Not directly to anyone’s face, but he’s definitely made some unpleasant comments.

3. have they been physically attacked by a bully? // If his father counts, yes.

4. have they ever been doubted? // Only from ages 2 to 34.

5. have they surprised people with being good at something? People don’t tend to expect the piano-playing, somehow.

V: Vomit 1. do they vomit often? // what is this question set. Incidentally, yes – he has a problem with running until he’s exhausted and tends to vomit after that.

2. do they get lots of stomach aches? // no?? I guess not???

3. are they good at comforting someone ill? // lol he could be better. His levels of sympathy leave a little to be desired.

4. what do they like as far as comfort goes? // he doesn’t, really. He generally dislikes being fussed over too much and denies he is sick until he’s unable to stand up, at which point he’s forced to accept it whether he likes it or not.

5. do they burp, cough, or hiccup most when nauseous? when vomiting? // what is this question ASKING

W: Water 1. do they drink enough water? // Actually probably yes – it’s one of the few healthy habits he has.

2. have they learned to swim? // yes

3. do they like to swim? // ehhhhh he can take it or leave it

4. can they dive? // he went to an expensive private school of course he can dive

5. can they swim without holding their nose? // yes

X: Xylophone 1. what is their favorite genre of music? // Classic rock – nothing after 1989, thanks.

2. do they have a favorite song? // Hendrix’s Watchtower is up there, as mentioned, along with Don’t Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult. He has favourite playlists, rather than favourite songs.

3. do they have a favorite band/artist/singer? Blue Oyster Cult in general is a favourite, as is Black Sabbath and Springsteen.

4. can they sing well? He does ok. His voice isn’t fuckin Grammy material or anything, but he can hold a note.

5. can they rap? lmao

Y: You 1. how old were you when you created them? // lol

2. what inspired you to create them? // LOL

3. were they different when they were first created? // oh god yeah. Prototype!Logan was a fucking mess, he’s undergone some serious reworking since the early days.

4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters? // he’s my comfort-zone, honestly.

5. what’s your favorite thing about them? // his internal monologue of disdain suddenly being interrupted by Oppressively Gay Thoughts

Z: Zebra 1. what’s their favorite animal? // He likes watching birds, but only from a distance.

2. do they like animals? // Nah, he’s really not much of an animal person. Loud and messy, for the most part.

3. cats or dogs? // Cats, if he has to pick.

4. what’s their dream pet? // A taxidermised one.

5. do they have any pets at the moment? // A Birman cat named Saskia. It’s the only animal in the entire world that he loves. He doesn’t like cats – he likes his cat.

[modiintrainguy]

Is it ADHD. What is it ADHD? What is this. What?

August 3 2020

?

It’s been a while as the cliché says.

I guess I’ve avoided and my heads been a whoosh and ive not been able to focus or /and I’ve felt like ive not had the time even though I obviously don’t spend all my time doing what I should be doing and not relaxing or taking time out.

Also. I’ve almost not taken the train at all since January. The train was my writing space. It used to be the place. But now im on the bus. And then of course there was lockdown for 2 months when I didn’t even go to work. And now I only go twice a week.

Let’s do some subheaders. Its 8.35 am im on the bus. Ive got about 25 minutes.

1.  ADHD Coaching

So yeah ive been meaning to write a short summary each week. Then I don’t.

So lets see what I can remember from my zoom with the coach on Wednesday. It was tishabav and I thought I was fasting. I mean I was fasting and then I ate before I went to bed for obvious reasons. And then I didn’t on Thursday morning.

But what did we talk about and what conclusions did we come to?

God I need to get the notes from him. He writes down everything I say. I need to review it regularly.

So.

Er, ah yeah. I went through a list of things I sent on wasup.

a.       My confusion about decision making that Friday morning when the day before I had arranged that A should bring R round to play with the girls but then thelittlun woke up at 7.30 and said she wanted to go to the beach and I was like great I’ll tell A. I knew she might not want to or be able to go cos she would need to be home by 12pm but I texted her anyway and I felt elated about going to the beach. But then she called and said she cant go to the beach and R will be very disappointed. And I got so confused and in the end I went.

 And we talked about how I just looked at the negative from the decision. That I saw it was bad to go but bad to stay and go to ben shemen. But I need to be rational and realise no choice will be perfect. There will be bad and good in every choice. So u just need to decide. One or the other and accept that there are negative things in both but it doesn’t mean the other choice was right.

I had a similar feeling on Thursday when I picked up the girls from C and I had agreed to go to the center of town with A and her girls but I was “Fasting” and impulsively didn’t want o go. and then R said she wants to come to our house and the littlun wanted her to come and then I invited R and S and M and A and then I was stuck. And A came late to pick R up from C, like 10 minutes, and it was a stress. I was like come over and then inevitably I spent the journey home thinking I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have forced R to come over and I needed the space and fresh air after being at home all day. And then and then and then it was fine and R appreciated it.

Can I do it? Can I calm and see the trees from the wood?

Other things discussed:

b.       The argument/discussion with thewife about what to do on the Thursday of tishabav – should the girls go to C? or come to the hospital with us. In the end we got to the right decision.

2.  Work

Really really whats the stress all about. I was watching the beginning of a movie just last night with a scene showing a guy coming to work in the morning. He seemed fresh and when I was driving home I was thinking I wake up stressed.

Like there is no  - this is today, im gonna try and achieve a, b and c. and then im finished. Its always like a rush to do as much on the long list as I can and then the feeling like I didn’t complete what I should and then im worried that Im late and I cant relax in the evening and then in the morning I need to get in as early as possible cos im behind.

I need realistic understanding of what I should do and when I should do it.

After my weekly with Eyal I didn’t get close to that cos I just list X, Y, X, A, B C and im left with an unrealistic list and then its like I need to try and do as much as I can but then it means I wont finish it so there will also be things I need to and should do that are still on the list and I never feel like I can relax cos im always behind.

So whats the answer. Realistic daily planning in the morning.

Can I do it? The reason I don’t is cos the planning seems to end up taking up too much time. Can I do it quickly? Can I write this blog quickly

Not really. But its essential.

3.       Life

That’s the connection with the life. Like why don’t I get on top of the money? Cos it feels like it will take too long to organise?

That’s more of a part than I realise. A bigger part.

If I could relax and know I have time to do the washing up then it would be mindful like mrs says it is.

4.       Work-life-balancelife

Whereive I am Im always in a rush, worried all the time when ive realised ive been doing the wrong thing the whole time so ive been wasting time and now I wont be able to get things done.

I know I cant do everything. Need to plan things.

Problem is I review the plans and realsie I didn’t get it right. And the planning takes so long and then im in a mess anyway.

Thing is I went swimming on shabat and I took 24 minutes or so to do lengths and it took me back to the SBTc times when I spent an hour swimming trying to work out how to do what needed to be done. Ive been in the same trying to work it out situation ever since apart from that break between Cr and this job.

But then did it matter? I left and I realised I was focused on some wrong things.

I need to focs on the things that need to be done.

If there are too manythen I cant do them all.

Focs sake.

5.  ADHD drugs?

Get an assessment? ADHD centre in tel aviv? NShg? Fuck knows.

I guess Tuesday I make an appointment with someone.

Cos I need an assessment.

Although there is the question – if there is no physical biological evidence that shows ADHD isn’t all just a guess. So the test is do you act like X or Y. but theres no way of proving the reason you act like that is cos the way your brain is wired. Its just an assumption and a guess.

Is it true? Can it help. Will an assessment give me peace of mind. At least I can tell people I “have ADHD” – but what does it mean? What Coach says it doesn’t matter about an assessment – the fact is my brain works in a certain way. Why is interesting and can help change it or help me learn how to deal with it but really its about accepting this is how my brain works and developing ways to deal with the situations like

-          Stopping me being impulsive and just doing or saying things without thinking them through (that’s hard eh)

-          Trying to look at things from different perspective

Just remembered the littleuns insight when I thought this guy had bumped into me on purpose outside littlerones gan and littlun was like maybe he didn’t see you.

And today when she said I shouldn’t throw things cos someone could slip on her magnet and I could have broken something when I threw the sandals. She was right so does that mean I sohuldnt have done it. Yes. Obviously. But its so recent I can feel how I felt and it feels like the only thing to do.

So maybe nows the time to analyse that situation – when I feel the tension and urge to throw. Could I have sotpped myself. Only reason I think no is cos I didn’t have time. And I felt it was the only way to show I cant deal with the sandals. I wanted to shock littlerun into stoppeding crying. And she did but then I felt worse and had to spend a minute apologising to littlun.

So whats the answer – theres almost always a spare minute or two to calm down. Almost always.

This doesn’t mean I have 5 or 10 mins or half an hour and hour. Although maybe I do.

But don’t spend hours on the wrong thing – focus on the right thing, get it done and then bish bash bosh. Move on. Be realistic about what needs to be done, do it as quickly as possible and then I can go home and go running tonight.

Yknow dat.

Gotta try and run with headie one even if he may be an anti-Semite.

Gonna get there at 9.10. leaving at 6.20.

Zehu.

UPDATE - 6.13pm

After an entire day, and maybe a week, of avoiding the relatively simple task of writing down exactly what is going to be on each of the sites in August I took the plunge about half an hour ago and started doing fbcom and lo and behold it wasn’t just easy it felt great getting clarity.

just goes to show eh. what i know is true really is true. it’s not a big deal. calm down, get the easy stuff out the way and then concentrate on the slightly more complicated but also easy and more enjoyable part which is the planning and editing and doing what the hell i want with these sites!!

is that the truth? maybe. gotta get the bus though. 

[lionfirst-a]

so unless this has somehow slipped unnoticed but im extremely busy. my accounts are all dead and im constantly logged in on bill because a) i love him but also b) i havent even had time to log out of him and pay attention to my other muses without feeling guilty. at the moment i have FIVE ESSAYS in for next week and im so damn behind despite my efforts. ive been meaning to log on here from my computer so i could write a longer post but surprise surprise, ive been too busy. 

this account is OFFICIALLY slow activity. this means that replies (which include asks that have been fermenting in my ask box for years) are going to be slow in getting posted, and my ooc replies will also be slower than usual and may take me hours (if not days) to get back to you. there will be more ooc posts in a desperate attempt to keep this account at least vaguely active, and there may be days where im not on at all. 

im adhd so yah i get easily distracted. tumblr is the most unhealthy thing for me because i fall down that worm hole and i cant get myself out. i lack discipline in getting things done and organising myself. this morning i logged into my laptop to start planning my essays and one and a half hours later im still here. i literally dont have time to waste most days. there will be ofc a sudden window of time where i am miraculously on top of things (relatively) and i have no other plans due to my lack of social life, and i will get back on here but even then it takes me a while to get things done (it once took me an entire day to do two replies that weren’t even long - and that for me is a good day).  

so ya anyway im ALWAYS up for plotting and stuff so MUTUALS hmu on my dis/cord: mim#2015 and let me know who you are!! remember that i love bill weasley and i love every one of my mutuals and plz be patient w me ?? im a slow beano. with much luff,  mim.

[identitycris1s]

so this is the new year

im finally taking time to sit down and reflect on the past few months. the new year came and went and its been a bit of a whirlwind. i suppose i’ll just go by chronological order cos i dont really know how to start...also i dont think im an abstract thinker so really my life isnt ordered by “themes” or “lessons” or whatever but i sort of think of it in terms of events and the epiphanies or lessons that flow therefrom. this is probably just gonna be a stream of consciousness exposition cos im lazy to organise my thoughts and this is basically my journal so WHATEVER!

November

X told me he liked me and asked me out. i was shocked. but sort of saw it coming (what else could “r u free after lunch, i have some stuff to say” mean...LOL). i reacted awkwardly - distinctly remember saying “huh..what does that MEAN!!!” (LOL) i told him i would think about it but could probably only give him an answer after part b was over. 

tbh this was probably just me stalling for time. i think instinctively i knew that i didnt see him in that way, but he seemed to tick so many boxes in terms of who i was “supposed” to be with - that sounds dumb, but what i mean is he’s a steadfast christian, a good boy, similar values, similar tastes in music / movies / books, same bloody industry LOL...

also he seemed really serious about it - ermmm he brought up marriage on that first day :0 ok i suppose thats unfair and it sounds insane without context - he said it with reference to how dating is always with a view to marriage which i do agree with but yes it was a lot to absorb in one conversation. and then he cracked out this book about dating and marriage and i was like woah. so, given how much thought he seemed to have put into this (he also said he chatted with his CG leader about me yikes) i felt obliged to at least think it through properly and give myself some time to consider rather than immediately rejecting him. 

and so i mulled it over whilst studying for part b. he was overseas for a while towards the end of my studying period (ie when i was freaking out the most and generally being a headless chicken) and this probably contributed to me feeling like i liked him more than i really did hmm wonder what this says about me. i like to feel like someone’s out of my reach i suppose. so fucked up lol! and so during this period we were texting everyday and i would look forward to his replies and he was a real source of comfort during that stressful period and i never told him this and i probably never will. 

December

exams were over and i had to face D DAY!! so i went to meet him to give him my answer and honestly even on that day i didnt know what my answer was. we met at BTM and he literally had written down a list of things to talk about and i think in that moment i knew this probably wouldnt work out. hes so damn thoughtful about every little thing and he thinks everything through and even though he seems to think he “doesnt take things too seriously” I THINK HE DOES...and i really dont...so i felt that showed how incompatible we were. its not a bad thing to be thoughtful. its just that i felt so pressured by how seriously he was taking things...i thought “trying this out” would be casual and chill and we would just hang out as if we were friends but with this overarching agenda of potentially being together but no his conception of “trying things out” is much more intense and serious and thought out and in his words “intentional”. which i realised is some christian dating jargon haha.

dinner was normal until he cracked out that list i was talking about. then he started talking about what he wanted out of a relationship and asked me what i wanted out of a relationship. like it was a damn interview. you know what, im saying this in a really condescending tone and i wouldnt ever be this hurtful if i knew he was gonna read this - in fact i really do think this kind of approach would suit many people and perhaps a more emotionally well adjusted person would think this was normal but i felt so bombarded and i really didnt know what to say in response. so i blurted out some nonsense about wanting to be with someone who was God fearing and “kind and compassionate” and “ambitious” LMAO...what bullshit (that last one i mean). and he had clearly thought out his answers a lot more and he went on a whole spiel about wanting to be with someone who could stand on their own as a christian and who he didnt have to “drag along” on their walk with God and i was like ok cool but i think im not that...im not what youre looking for...but of course i didnt say this. idk why. maybe i enjoy being wanted and sought after and i didnt want to shatter his illusion that i was what he was looking for, even though i was kinda seeing that he wasnt what i was looking for.

anyway, being the shitty person i am, i told him it wasnt a no but it wasnt a straight out yes either i.e. i would be willing to try with a view to potentially saying yes. and we left it at that. but even as i said bye to him that night i kinda knew this wasnt gonna work...but i wanted it to! i wanted to like him! i want to be the kind of person who can accept love from a well adjusted person who’s not afraid to be real and to take things seriously...but i suppose i have some emotional growth to work on...or is it perfectly valid for me to not want to be with him? tbh i never found him attractive (physically or even personality wise oops) - he doesnt make me laugh, hes kinda too uptight, he doesnt get my jokes (i have to be like “JUST KIDDING” a lot of the time..ded) but somehow we worked as friends. but to be with someone requires something more than just working as friends doesnt it?? ack

so we met a few times in dec (i think we went on four or five “dates” in total...im so reluctant to call them dates cos throughout i just couldnt see him in that light, but thats what they were i think) and through the course of our interactions i started picking up on things that i didnt like about him / about our interactions. this sounds awfully petty and i dont wanna be mean about this cos im sure i have MANY MANY MANY flaws that one could nit pick but these were just some signs that we would not work (quite apart from my lack of physical attraction to him)

1. our conversations always end up argumentative. i think this probably stems from both of us being law students and so whenever we disagree on something we both cant seem to fucking let it go. i distinctly remember one stupid conversation, i shall put it here (not verbatim but this is the gist of it)

X: what are your new years resolutions?

S: i dont like making new years resolutions because they always end up in disappointment because i never stick to them. 

X: but disappointment isnt always a bad thing because you can learn from it and improve from there

S: yes but that doesnt mean disappointment isnt a bad thing - cos disappointment in itself is bad (like duh the feeling of disappointment is bad) but what comes after disappointment can be good or bad i.e. you can choose to work on yourself and improve or you can wallow in the disappointment.

-some more argument and confusion about what we are even talking about-

S: ok lets not argue on this its a semantic point. 

X: is it semantic? its not semantic.

S: it is semantic. we are disagreeing on what the word disappointment means. i think it is necessarily negative but you are saying that disappointment isnt always negative because of what can come after but i think thats sidestepping the point of disappointment being negative in itself.

do you see what i mean. what kind of petty argument is this? whats the damn point? of course im definitely not blameless in this at all. i perpetuate it. but what im saying is i feel like talking to him brings out this argumentative side of me that im not a fan of. also its fucking exhausting haha.

2. he is so. fucking. serious. every conversation involves some heavy thing like spirituality or self evaluation or Godliness etc. which i suppose is good but i just found it tiring...why cant things be light? why cant things be fun? why do we always have to talk about *important* or *weighty* things? tbh i think he sorta compartmentalises me as a friend whom he can talk about these *weighty* things with cos im also a christian and i get what hes saying when he talks about God but i dont want to only talk about that...

3. we dont have similar senses of humour. i dont think he thinks im funny...but i think im bloody funny ok haha also i dont think im deluded on this? my friends think im funny too? yeah i think its a major problem that we cant really laugh together...hes not someone that makes me laugh at all :( 

ok enough bashing X haha i really do think hes a great person we are just NOT compatible romantically.

ANYWAYS! sometime in dec i also met up w SM for the first time in aaaages. but things were like normal again. sounds stupid but i think ill always think of him as the one who got away LOL....emotionally unavailable and not interested in me?? IM DOWN! haha. ok hes not emotionally unavailable tbh i probably was more emotionally unavailable in the course of our friendship but he defo never really expressed any interest in me other than always hanging out one on one but that doesnt really count for anything does it. anyways! he told me about his BTO plans and im honestly v happy for him :) friends r growing up and moving on in life mang..

sad part was i dropped avo toast on my new everlane pants and that honestly ruined my day lol

January

NYE was spent w S and some of her friends plus R and A (who went home after dinner cos of family drama lmao angie is siao) - we went to AL’s fam friends party at fullerton for countdown and the fireworks were amaaaazing, lasted about an hour (which made us question the budget allocation on this tbh isnt it a bit of a waste?? fireworks are insanely expensive??) and we promptly went home after the clock struck 12 which was perfect haha i have no stamina to stay out late anymore. 

work started on 2 jan! its been fun tbh - back with the trainees and meeting some new people and using my brain again. i like feeling useful and being stuck in a routine...at least for now haha. check in on me in about 3 months and we’ll see. 

and....i finally mustered up the courage to tell X the truth ie i didnt see this going anywhere and we should just be friends. we had kind of an awkward dinner (i could feel myself being rude to him and being dismissive etc but i think it could partially be attributed to me being tired from work..but mostly cos i didnt wanna be with him!! as a romantic partner!! it felt wrong!) and so i told him after dinner otw to the mrt (funny, we always have these convos otw to the mrt haha). he said he understood and he sort of felt it coming. and i felt bad - he mustve picked up on my coldness and rudeness over text and in our meetings also...why am i like this. i shouldve been up front with him on the first day. but i didnt know!!! i didnt know for sure this is how i felt. ahhh well u live and u learn right. next time ill be better at this. hope theres a next time LOL God pls send me someone whos right for me

ok bye for now! this was a lengthy post haha

[uiyutrentasei]

i was tagged by the gaylords @aperfectexampleofsarcasm​ and @hal-strider​

RULES: Answer 11 questions and tag 11 people

1) Which aesthetic are you? Space, pastel, cute, botany, or black and white?

PLANTS no exception im an awfully lame plant person and i wish i had the patience to grow my own garden. as of rn i just enjoy my mums enormous vegetal reign. i have my own little succulent and some ivy by my window but thats abt it :( everything i touch dies

2) Favourite beverage?

i gotta say cappuccino. w 4 sugars. if we have to go fancy. but fresh water is my whole life. i am but a simple man,

3) Comfort food? CHIPS!!! ESPECIALLY pringles. theyre my whole life. i dont know what id do without them. they help me get the salt i need in my life

4) Are you a socks, slippers, or bare footed kind of person at home?    

i cant live without socks honestly ? we dont have carpet. i only walk on stone and honestly i hate the sound

5) Which section, if you attended a convention, would you go to? Anime, comics, gaming, horror, or sci-fi?

the only section i ever go to in conventions is the comics section and the rpg section. though i never buy anything bc theyre usually a lot cheaper on the internet, so i just go and give them a look........... im a bad person

6) What is love?

im surprised no ones written baby dont hurt me yet. i thought that was gonna b the first thing that came to mind to EVERYONE 

7) Favorite holiday?

all of them . i get to skip school

8) Are you a digital or traditional artist?

traditional . absolutely . im absolute shit at digital but i am going to work on it and improve before i turn 18!! so i can start taking my own commissions 

9) Would you rather hop in a pile of snow or in a pile of leaves?

i would honestly do both. i already sit on the ground a lot with my cats, so i dont mind the leaves that much? but i guess snow would be softer LMAO

10) If your school was to attend a student exchange program, where would you like to go?

well. i dream of attending uni in england so thats pretty much my answer to this? i would love to experience a well organised english school. but im about to fly to ireland next week for a student exchange program, so thats close enough

11) For your mobile phone, do you prefer thin fashionable cases, hard cases, wallet cases, or none at all?

whichever is cheaper as long as its not a wallet case honestly ????? wallet cases make me SICK and only wild enough people can use them. although i like how thin my phone is so i take the case off whenever its safe enough to do so? maybe in bed or while im studying

im NOT gonna tag 11 people??? im not that famous. so i just tag @alpacalmond, @h3ll4w and @burntheschool because i love them so much and i cant wait for them to expose themselves to the internet

[yeetyeet2121yeet]

Hey, about the aesthetic asks. Can ya do all of them?

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?Probably yesterday, while I was stress-cleaning my room. fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?Will I be happy?Am I nonbinary or nah?Did my friends die in a shooting?Will I land my dream job?Does America fix itself?Does my mother calm the fuck down?Will my mother let people come over for sleepovers without thinking we're gonna smash?Oh I could go on and on loldaisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?I would say finally cutting some toxic assholes out of my life1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?Last night was pretty damn goodSo was July 8-15matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?Yeah, I'd spend this year being 100% honest, with no filter. black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?Yeah I do. The top 3 things right now, would be to make it to graduation so I can yeet myself away from this shitty little town, glue googly eyes on everything bc then I can have a buncha friends with me at all times, and the third would be to meet my online friends irlpantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.They make me feel v safe, and able to be very open. They're tall as all fuck despite being like, 2 years younger than me. They dyed their hair black when they got back from camp. They give really good hugs. They cried during Up. Also they cuddle a lot, which I like. They let me paint their nails. I met them at camp. They identify as nonbinary. They recently came out. They're one of the best humans I've ever encountered. moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?lol no. I tried to kill myself when I was 9.stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?Like, July 13plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.I have a few. Roan, b/c they're Roan and we like that kind of stuffSean b/c I think he'd like thatSame with Jackconverse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?Yeah, ofc. lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?Last night, I had 2. One was with Jack, and he's my v good friend. The other was with Roan, who like, I 'married' at camp, and are really close with. handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?UhM oh ShitJaxon/Matt. I would say 'Fuck you, check my notes on my phone, the password is 123456789'cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?They're pretty!sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.Literally the entirety of 'Just Like You' by Three Days Grace. The whole song speaks to me about my relationship with my mother. 'I could be mean • I could be angry • And I could be just like you' ~ speaks to me because she is all of those things, when it is said 'I could be ___''You thought you were standing beside me • You were only in my way' ~ is exactly how i feel about heroil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?Congratulations, You Made Itoveralls: what would you do with one billion dollars?I would help out every one of my friends. You need food? Here! You need a binder, but you cant afford it, or your parents won't buy one? Well, here! You need help with paying rent or whatever? Well, I have literally a billion dollars that I don't actually need, so here!!combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?Yes, I am very forgiving. It takes a lot to really make me not want anything to do with you. Even now, after I cut some asshole out of my life for being a rather stuck up, mean person, if he ever pulled his head out of his ass, and explained his feelings, or apologized, I would accept it. I do like being like this. pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?Punktattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.Whatever mate, you can do what you want. It is your body!piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?nah, ive always been too shy to actually put any on. bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.I'm gonna talk about the genre I listen to. The music I listen to has meaning, and has a message. I listen to political songs. I listen to music that makes me think. My music has made me a better person. messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.FOR FUCKS SAKE CALM DOWNWE ALL DIE ALONE WHY DO YOU HAVE TO FUCKING FIGHT AND HATE?!grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?My mother, saying she was sorry, and wanted to change space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?Yeah i do, its my bed. Its got specific sections. Sleeping, Books, Journaling, Noteswhite bed sheets: what is your night time routine?I cook my supper (bc my mother doesnt), and then I cover my window bc I'm scared of what's out there, and then I climb into bed, and message people, watch youtube, and scroll through social media until I fall asleepold books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?Literally anything about who I really am.beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?JET BLACK bc I think that would be cool!eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?Sean, Jack, Roan, Seth, and Lily. I would like to just go somewhere, anywhere, and just hang out. 11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.I wish I could be me. I hate how I have to be a whole different person.I wish I was with Roan. They're just.. calming, and makes me feel safeI wish my family wasn't so bad. I dont wanna feel like this. painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. I'm gonna go as one of the black eyed children next yearlightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?never been either thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?be something I'm notstorms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?Roan. They're an amazing person.love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.Yeah I have. Its when youre falling asleep, you're thinking of them. When youre so sad and crying so hard you cant breathe, imagining their arms around you helps. Its when youre doing something small and mundane and wanting to share it with them. its watching a movie and wanting to lean against them. Its when youre awake at 3am and so are they, and youre laying everything out on the table, placing your deepest fears and insecurities in their hands, and trusting them so deeply it hurts. its loaning them a blanket and getting it back and wrapping yourself in it to catch their scent. its knowing that as long as the other person is there, you can make it. its not having to ask permission to hold their hand or hug them or touch them because you know that its okayclouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?hell yeah i'd rock short hair coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?I don't have one, but I'd trust Roan, Evan, Alex, Grayson, Theo, Sean, Jack, Mitchell, Thomas with itmarble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?Friends who act more like family than your actual relatives do

[trendingnewsb]

Why do we feel so guilty all the time?

The long read: Food, sex, money, work, family, friends, health, politics: theres nothing we cant feel guilty about, including our own feelings of guilt

I feel guilty about everything. Already today Ive felt guilty about having saidthe wrong thing to a friend. Then Ifeltguilty about avoiding that friend because of the wrong thing Id said. Plus, I havent called my mother yet today: guilty. And I really should have organised something special for my husbands birthday: guilty. I gave the wrong kind of food to my child: guilty. Ive been cutting corners at work lately: guilty. I skipped breakfast: guilty. I snacked instead: double guilty. Im taking up all this space in a world with not enough space in it: guilty, guilty, guilty.

Nor am I feeling good about feeling bad. Not whensophisticated friends never fail toremind me how selfinvolved, self-aggrandising, politically conservative and morally stunted the guilty are. Poor me. Guilty about guilty. Filial guilt, fraternal guilt, spousal guilt, maternal guilt, peer guilt, work guilt, middle-class guilt, whiteguilt, liberal guilt, historical guilt, Jewish guilt: Im guilty of them all.

Thankfully, there are those who say they can save us from guilt. According to the popular motivational speaker Denise Duffield-Thomas, author of Get Rich, Lucky Bitch!, guilt is one of the most common feelings women suffer. Guilty women, lured by guilt into obstructing their own paths to increased wealth, power, prestige and happiness, just cant seem to take advantage of their advantages.

You might feel guilty, Duffield-Thomas writes, for wanting more, or for spending money on yourself, or for taking time out of your busy family life to work on improving yourself. You might feel guilty that other people are poor, thatyour friend is jealous, that there are starving people in theworld. Sure enough, I do feel guilty for those things. So,itis something of a relief to hear that I can be helped thatI can be self-helped. But, for that to happen, what I must first understand is that a) Im worth it, and b) none of these structures of global inequality, predicated on historical injustices, are my fault.

My guilt, in other words, is a sign not of my guilt but of myinnocence even my victimhood. Its only by forgiving myself for the wrongs for which I bear no direct responsibility that I can learn to release my money blocks and live afirstclass life, according to Duffield-Thomas.

Imagine that: a first-class life. This sort of advice, which frames guilt as our most fundamentally inhibiting emotion, takes insights from psychoanalytic and feminist thinking and transforms them into the language of business motivation. The promise is that our guilt can be expiated by making money.

Its an idea that might resonate especially in the German language, where guilt and debt arethe same word, schuld. One thinks, for example, of Max Webers thesis about how the spirit of capitalism conflates our worldly and heavenly riches, on the basis that what you earn in this world also serves as a measure of your spiritual virtue, since it depends on your capacity for hard work, discipline and self-denial.

But what Weber calls salvation anxiety within the Protestant work ethic has the opposite effect to the self-help manuals promise to liberate entrepreneurs from their guilt. For Weber, in fact, the capitalist pursuit of profit does not reduce ones guilt, but actively exacerbates it for, in an economy that admonishes stagnation, there can be no rest forthe wicked.

So, the guilt that blocks and inhibits us also propels us to work, work, work, to become relentlessly productive in the hope that we might by our good works rid ourselves of guilt. Guilt thus renders us productive and unproductive, workaholic and workphobic a conflict that might explain theextreme and even violent lengths to which people sometimes will go, whether by scapegoating others or sacrificing themselves, to be rid of what many people considerthe mostunbearable emotion.

What is the potency of guilt? With its inflationary logic, guiltlooks, if anything, to have accumulated over time. Although we tend to blame religion for condemning man tolife as a sinner, the guilt that may once have attached tospecific vices vices for which religious communities couldprescribe appropriate penance now seems, in a more secular era, to surface in relation to just about anything: food, sex, money, work, unemployment, leisure, health, fitness, politics, family, friends, colleagues, strangers, entertainment, travel, the environment, you name it.

Equally, whoever has been tempted to suppose that rituals of public humiliation area macabre relic of the medieval past clearly hasnt been paying much attention to our life online. You cant expect to get away for long on social media without someone pointing an accusatory finger at you. Yet its hard to imagine that the presiding spirit of our age, the envious and resentful troll, would have such easy pickings if he could not already sense awhiff of guilt-susceptibility emanating from his prey.

It wasnt meant to be like this. The great crusaders of modernity were supposed to uproot our guilt. The subject ofcountless high-minded critiques, guilt was accused by modern thinkers of sapping the life out of us and causing ourpsychological deterioration. It was said to make us weak(Nietzsche), neurotic (Freud), inauthentic (Sartre).

In thelatter part of the 20th century, various critical theories gained academic credibility, particularly within the humanities. These were theories that sought to show whether with reference to class relations, race relations, gender relations how we are all cogs in a larger system ofpower. We may play our parts in regimes of oppression, but we are also at the mercy of forces larger than us.

But this raises questions about personal responsibility: if its true that our particular situation is underpinned by a complex network of social and economic relations, how can any individual really claim to bein control or entirely responsible for her own life? Viewed in such an impersonal light, guilt can seem an unhelpful hangover fromless selfaware times.

As a teacher of critical theory, I know how crucial and revelatory its insights can be. But Ive occasionally also suspected that our desire for systematic and structural formsof explanation may be fuelled by our anxiety at the prospect of discovering were on the wrong side of history.When wielded indelicately, explanatory theories can offer their adherents afoolproof system for knowing exactly what view to hold, with impunity, about pretty much everything as if one could take out an insurance policy to be sure of always being right. Often, too, thats as far as such criticism takes you into a right-thinking that doesnt necessarily organise itself into right-acting.

The notion that our intellectual frameworks might be as much a reaction to our guilt as a remedy for it might sound familiar to a religious person. In the biblical story, after all, man falls when hes tempted by fruit from the tree of knowledge. Its knowledge that leads him out of the Gardenof Eden into an exile that has yet to end. His guilt isaconstant, nagging reminder that he has taken this wrongturn.

Illustration: A Richard Allen

Yet even within that source we see how mans guilt can bedeceptive as slippery and seductive as the serpent who led him astray. For if man has sinned by tasting of knowledge, the guilt that punishes him repeats his crime: with all its finger-wagging and tenor of I told you so, guilt itself comes over as awfully knowing. It keeps us, as the psychoanalyst Adam Phillips has written, in thrall to that boring and repetitive voice inside our head that endlessly corrects, criticises, censors, judges and finds fault with us, but never brings usany news about ourselves. In our feelings of guilt, we seemalready to have the measure of who it is we are and whatit is were capable of.

Could that be the reason for our guilt? Not our lack of knowledge but rather our presumption of it? Our desperate need to be sure of ourselves, even when what we think of ourselves is that were worthless, useless, the pits? When we feel guilty we at least have the comfort of being certain ofsomething of knowing, finally, the right way to feel, whichis bad.

This may be why were addicted to crime dramas: they satisfy our wish for certainty, no matter how grim that certainty is. At the beginning of a detective story, were conscious of a crime, but we dont know who did it. By the end of the story, ithas been discovered which culprit is guilty: case closed. Thus guilt, inits popular rendering, is what converts our ignorance intoknowledge.

For a psychoanalyst, however, feelings of guilt dont necessarily have any connection tobeing guiltyin the eyes of the law.Our feelings of guilt may be a confession, but they usually precede the accusation of any crime the details ofwhich not even the guilty person can be sure.

So, while the stories we prefer may be the ones that uncover guilt, its equally possible that our own guilt is a cover story forsomething else.

Although the fall is originally a biblical story, forget religion for a moment. One can just as well recount a more recent and assuredly secular story of the fall of man. Its a story that has had countless narrators, perhaps none finer or more emphatic than the German Jewish postwar critic Theodor Adorno. Writing in the wake of the Holocaust, Adorno argued famously that whoever survives in a world that could produce Auschwitz is guilty, at least insofar as theyre still party to the same civilisation that created the conditions for Auschwitz.

Inother words, guilt is our unassailable historical condition. Its our contract as modern people. As such, says Adorno, we all have a shared responsibility after Auschwitz to be vigilant,lest we collapse once more into the ways of thinking, believing and behaving that brought down this guilty verdict upon us. To make sense after Auschwitz is to risk complicity with its barbarism.

For Adorno too, then, our knowledge renders us guilty, rather than keeping us safe. For a modern mind, this could well seem shocking. That said, perhaps the more surprising feature of Adornos representation of guilt is the idea expressed in his question whether after Auschwitz you cango on living especially whether one who escaped by accident, one who by rights should have been killed, may go on living. His mere survival calls for the coldness, the basic principle of bourgeois subjectivity, without which there couldhave been no Auschwitz; this is the drastic guilt of himwho was spared.

For Adorno, the guilt of Auschwitz belongs to all of western civilisation, but its a guilt he assumed would be felt most keenly by one who escaped by accident, one who by rights should have been killed the Jewish survivor of the second world war.

Adorno, who had left Europe for New York in early 1938, was probably attesting to his own sense of guilt. Yet his insight is one we alsoget from psychologists who worked with concentration camp survivors after the war; they found that feelings of guiltaccompanied by shame, self-condemnatory tendencies and self-accusations are experienced by the victims of the persecution and apparently much less (if at all) bythe perpetrators of it.

What can it mean if victims feel guilty and perpetrators areguilt-free? Are objective guilt (being guilty) and subjective guilt (feeling guilty) completely at odds with each other?

In the years after the war, the concept of survival guilt tended to be viewed as the byproduct of the victims identification with their aggressor. The survivor who may subsequently find it hard to forgive herself because others have diedin her place why am I still here when they are not? may also feel guilty because of what she was forced to collude withfor the sake of her survival. This need not imply any incriminating action on her part; her guilt may simply be anunconscious way of registering her past preference that others suffer instead of her.

On this basis, then, it may be possible to think of survivors guilt as a special case of the guilt we all bear when, aware or unaware, were glad when others, rather than ourselves, suffer. Obviously, thats not a pleasant feeling, but neither is ita hard one to understand. Still, there remains something deeply uncomfortable about accepting that survivors of the worst atrocities should feel any guilt for their own survival. Instead, shouldnt we be trying to save the survivor from her (in our view) mistaken feelings of guilt andthus establish, without smirch or quibble, her absolute innocence?

This understandable impulse, according to the intellectual historian Ruth Leys, saw the figure of the survivor emerge in the period after the second world war, alongside a shift in focus from the victims feelings of guilt toward an insistence on the victims innocence. This transformation, Leys argues, involved replacing the concept of guilt with its close cousin, shame.

The difference is crucial. The victim who feels guilt evidently has an inner life, with intentions and desires while the victim who feels shame seems to have had it bestowed from outside. The victims of trauma consequently appear to be the objects rather than the subjects ofhistory.

Shame, then, tells us something about what one is, not what one does or would like to do. And so the effect of this well-intentioned shift in emphasis may have been to rob the survivor of agency.

It may be tempting to assume that survival guilt is an extraordinary case, given the abject powerlessness of the victims of such traumas. But, as we will see, attempts to deny the validity of the guilt of others often have the similar effect of denying their intentions as well. Consider the case of liberal guilt, the guilt we all love to hate.

Liberal guilt has become a shorthand for describing those who feel keenly a lack of social, political and economic justice, but are not the ones who suffer thebrunt of it. According to the cultural critic Julie Ellison, it first took hold in the US in the 1990s, on the back of a post-cold-war fragmentation of theleft, and a loss of faith in the utopian politics of collective action that had characterised an earlier generation of radicals. The liberal who feels guilty has given up on the collective and recognises herself to be acting out of self-interest. Her guilt is thus a sign of the gap between what she feels for the others suffering and what she will do actively to alleviate it which isnot, it turns out, a great deal.

As such, her guilt incites much hostility in others, not least in the person who feels himself the object of the liberals guilt. This person, AKA the victim, understands only too well how seldom the pity he elicits in the guilty liberal is likely to lead toany significant structural or political changes for him.

Rather, the only power to be redirected his way is not political power, but the moral or affective power to make those more fortunate than he is feel even more guilty about the privileges they are nonetheless not inclined to give up.

But just how in control of her feelings is the guilty liberal? Not very, thinks Ellison. Since feelings arent easily confected, her guilt tends to assail her unbidden, rendering her highly performative, exhibitionist, even hysterical. In her guilt, she experiences a loss of control, although she remains conscious at all times of an audience, before whom she feels she must show how spectacularly sorry she is. Her guilt, then, is her way of acting out, marking a disturbance in the liberal who doesnt know herself quite as well as her guilt would haveher think.

The idea of guilt as aninhibiting emotion corroborates the common critique of liberal guilt: that, for all the suffering it produces, it fails completely to motivate the guilty subject tobring about meaningful political change.

But what if the liberals guilt actually has another purpose, to allow the liberal respite from the thing she may (unconsciously) feel even worse about: the lack of a fixed identity that tells her who she is, what her responsibilities are and where these come to an end.

If anything can be said to characterise the notoriously woolly liberal, guilt may be it. Liberal guilt suggests a certain class (middle), race (white) and geopolitical (developed world) situation. As such, despite the torment it brings to those who suffer it, it might, paradoxically (and, again, unconsciously), be reassuring for someone whose real neurosis is that she feels her identity is so mobile and shiftingthat she can never quite be surewhere she stands.

If this is what chiefly concerns her, then one might envisage her guilt as a feeling that tells her who she is, by virtue of telling her who she is failing to be for others. Who is the liberal? She who suffers on account of those who suffer morethan she. (I know whereof I speak.)

This may suggest why, in recent years, there has been mounting criticism of the liberals sensibilities. To her critics, the liberal really is guilty. Shes guilty of a) secretly resenting victims for how their sufferings make her feel, b) drawing attention away from them and back towards her, c) having theaudacity to make an exhibition out of her self-lacerations and d) doing practically nothing to challenge the status quo.

For critics of the guilty liberal, in other words, feeling guiltyis part of the problem, rather than the solution. And yetthis criticism is itself subject to the same accusation. Giventhat criticising someone for feeling guilty is only going to make them feel guiltier, guilt has, asweve seen, proved atricky opponent one that its various modern combatants have yetto defeat.

Once again, therefore, in the case of liberal guilt, we encounter a feeling so devilishly slippery that it repeats the problem in the course of confessing it. Because there is, of course, aform of guilt that does not inspire us to act, but prevents us from acting. This type of guilt takes the uncertainty of our relations with others (and our responsibility for others) and turns them into an object of certainty and knowledge.

But since the object in this case is our own self, we can see how liberal guilt, too, mutates guilt into a version of shame.Shame, infact, could well be a more accurate appellation for what motivates the guilty liberal in her public and private self-condemnations.

However, before we declare the liberal guilty as charged as in guilty of the wrong kind of guilt its worth reminding ourselves of the survival guilt that has likewise been viewed by many as guilt of the wrong kind. For as we observed in that case, in seeking to save the victim from her guilt, the victim becomes deprived of the very thing that might distinguish herfrom the objectifying aggression that has assailed her: asense of her own intentions and wishes, however aggressive, perverse or thwarted these might be.

For this reason, then, its vital to preserve the notion of survivors guilt (and, despite obvious differences, liberal guilt) as that which could yet return to the survivor (or the liberal) apower of agency such as must be absolutely necessary if sheis to have a future that isnt bound, by the resolving or absolving of her guilt, to repeat the past ad infinitum.

If religion often gets the blame for framing man as sinner, thesecular effort to release man from his guilt hasnt offered much relief. The Italian philosopher Giorgio Agamben suggests that subjective innocence belongs to a bygone age, the age of the tragic hero. Oedipus, for example, is someone whose objective guilt (parricide, incest) is matched by the subjective innocence of the man who acts before he knows. Today, however, says Agamben, we find the opposing situation: modern man is objectively innocent (for he has not, like Oedipus, murdered with his own hands), but subjectively guilty (he knows that his comforts and securities have been paid for by someone, somewhere, probably in blood).

By falsely promising a tabula rasa bound to his historical and intellectual emancipation, modernity may not only have failed to obliterate mans subjective guilt, but may even have exacerbated it. For what many a modern man is guilty of is less his actions than his addiction to a version of knowledge that seems to have inhibited his capacity for action. As such, the religious assignation of man as sinner a fallen, abject, endlessly compromised, but also active, effective andchangeable creature begins to look comforting bycomparison.

Such a view also shares much in common with a certain psychoanalytic conception of guilt as a blocked form of aggression or anger toward those we need and love (God, parents, guardians, whomever we depend on for our own survival). But if guilt is the feeling that typically blocks all other (buried, repressed, unconscious) feelings, that is not initself areason to block feelings of guilt. Feelings, after all, are what you must be prepared to feel if they are to move you,or if you are to feel something else.

Main illustration by A Richard Allen

Adapted from Feeling Jewish (A Book for Just About Anyone) by Devorah Baum, which will be published by Yale University Press on 19 October at 18.99. To buy it for 16.15, go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over 10, online orders only. Phone orders min p&p of 1.99.

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