#cas thoughts

[shallowrambles]

So, when Dean fucks up a relationship outside of his blood relations, his instinct is to erase it-undo it-lock it away. (He also has a tendency to disown his loved ones.)

Like, sometimes with his disorganized attachment style, he’ll feel things very strongly and turn tail at the sign of imperfection, or cool when the idealization period wears off, or he’ll develop such intense feelings that it’s too frightening to confront. He runs hot and cold. (In very early stages and at intervals he’s very warm and understanding, but his life is full of trauma, so eventually he tends to go cold and explode.) I think this is reflected in how with Lisa and Ben, although he loved them very much, his instinct was to erase it all together when it didn’t work out: a total cutoff. (Esp after he showed his *true self/stressful hunting life* to them.)

((He does this with Sam a bit in season 4 when he’s cold at Sam’s faltering demon blood-drug abuse, and again at various points, especially after Charlie’s death. He cuts Cas off after he goes Godstiel, cold shoulders Mary when she screws up, and eventually banishes Jack. (John sent him away when he screwed up, so it was an example set.)

On the other hand, ppl he idealizes, he can keep at arm’s length. He’s happy being the one to be a savior. This way, they can never truly disappoint him. But ppl he lets see him? The ones he needs and not the other way around? Ho boy. Dean loves nearly everyone in the show on some level, but the ppl he needs is a much smaller, very scary and tumultuous list.))

Anyway, this is meandering… But I was thinking about how Dean usually doesn’t want to fix things. I think about how Dean’s advice was for Cas to leave Claire, because he’d already screwed up so much with her, but Sam’s was to be there for Claire, because Dean was there for him, even when he thought he didn’t need parental support.

And Cas tried to make things right even though he’d wronged Claire beyond what is truly repairable. When I watch Cas giving Claire the grumpy cat, Dean is affecting annoyance in the background, but he’s scared that the situation will blow up in Cas’s face.

Cas also tried to repair Donatello, and idk I just think it’s interesting that Cas started setting this example that it’s always worth trying to do better. He still tends toward self sacrifice, no question, but he moves a bit beyond purely trying to do penance with self flagellation.

“You can start being good any time.” (I forget which script that’s from, but I believe he said it to Jack?)

[casterixe]

Get attacked!! ✨🌈SEND THIS TO OTHER BLOGGERS YOU THINK ARE WONDERFUL. KEEP THE GAME GOING🌈✨

@amalthea-felsblood T^T

[pumpkinhead666]

1st time

2nd time

3rd time

4th time

5th time

last time

screaming, crying, fucking throwing up

[insanesonofabitch]

Me when I remember that Dean was supposed to gently and lovingly touch Cas’ face in Tombstone:

[somerandomdudelmao]

I'm looking through some older parts of the comic (definitely for no particular reason...) and seeing this in light of some of the more recent updates gave me Feelings.

Like oh. Oh.

He really had it all planned out. Die, become a spirit, get a robot body, beat the Krang, help the world recover, and give himself and Raph new organic bodies after - how simple, how Tello, to tie it up with a nice little bow and make it all work out in the end. A plan he already had all thought out that he just didn't tell them about yet, you know?

And then, of all the things, his spirit failed him. He wasn't strong enough. It was right there. It should've been fine, it should've worked. He had it all planned out.

No wonder he feels like he failed - he accounted for everything except the idea of his spirit falling to pieces, of him not being strong enough to hold it together and get to the robot.

The ultimate unpredictable factor, the only possible flaw in the plan, ended up being him.

He failed. Not his tech, or the plan itself, but him.

And he's been trying to make up for it ever since.

[found--family]

cas would not kiss dean first. dean would also not kiss cas first. this is their tragedy. but a shapeshifter or some kind of monster clone or djinn dream would initiate the first kiss and they would 100% return it. or the real dean and cas would've just simply fallen together somehow like tripped and fell and gravity would bring their mouths together whoops anyway they'd both take it from there - and that's not fate pulling strings it's just dumb luck for these two dumbasses (affectionate)

[clairenatural]

okay but you see sam has ALSO fallen for dean's act. sam also believes dean to be the macho, daddy's soldier, beer boobs cars guy he presents himself as. this is why sam makes fun of dean whenever he even lightly steps out of that mold and thinks it's harmless banter instead of attacking an insecurity. it's why he laughs when john talks down to dean in the early seasons and it's why he seems surprised when dean is more comfortable with himself in the later seasons. it's why he just scoffs but doesn't push it when dean puts up a front and refuses to talk about his emotions and just accepts whatever excuse he makes at face value. it's why he offers dean a strip club to make him feel better when cas dies. and this isn't his fault!! dean has spent a very long time perfecting this image in front of everyone and ESPECIALLY to sam because along with it comes safety and security and stability and the only person. who has consistently been able to see through it. is castiel

[forestofsprites]

the thing is, it IS important to me that dean and cas get an earth-based post-canon. it is vital to me that there's windows and sunlight and porches and freckles. that they get to wield freewill in a way that beckons both risk and joy. that there's a reclamation of body as well as mind. that they get to have wonderfully petty arguments over life-and-death ones. that there are calm evenings and hectic mornings. that fundamentally, overarchingly, they're experiencing an unadulterated life of their own whim

[angelsdean]

AU where dean's EMF reader can pick up and translate angel frequencies

[destiel-wings]

Dean Winchester & hug dynamic analysis

I was thinking about how whenever Dean hugs someone he's almost always the one hugging the other and how this links to his psychological trauma of always being the caretaker of people, making himself bigger to protect them.

Because that's how Dean sees himself, as a shield for others, and then I thought about how Cas actually is the shield, and he's HIS SHIELD, specifically, the only one who's really there to protect HIM, which is why it hits so much when we see this:

The way Cas wraps his arms around him, trying to protect him with his whole body--that he'd use as a shield and give up in a second if he could spare him from any pain and save him.

(for context: Dean was about to go use the soul bomb on Amara there, it was a suicide mission)

Bobby is another one that hits, he hugs him as the big hugger because he's his father, he loves him and he's actually here to protect him (and Dean LETS him -barely, but he lets him *and Cas* - in a way that he doesn't let Sam)

I watched a compilation of Sam & Dean hugs to check if i was right about it, but it's almost always Dean the big hugger with Sam, except when he's about to die or Sam sees him alive again after losing him.

Even then, Dean mostly tries to hug Sam as the big hugger anyway, with at least one arm, like a way to comfort him, making him feel protected, like his body language is saying "I'm here, I'm okay, I'm still strong, i can still protect you" (because their real father failed and Dean thinks it's his job).

He rarely lets himself be the little one hugged with Sam, unless he's barely conscious. Which is why it kills me so much more now that in this moment (s14, when Dean was going to lock himself in the Ma'lak box cause he was possessed by Michael) and Sam has a desperate breakdown and punches him (to stop him) he forcefully hugs him as the little hugger, the way Dean always kept him, like a way of saying "I still need you to protect me, please don't do this to yourself".

In the scene below he gives Sam his blessing to do a dangerous (possibly suicidal) mission, and one of his arms is down, but the other one tries to stay up--he's forcing himself to do it and he struggles because he still wants to protect him, but (as the seasons progress) he slowly becomes more prone to let go.

So in this view the hug dynamic becomes an indicator of how Dean sees Sam (and himself) and his protector role, how adult and self sufficient he considers Sam, and how much he lets people around him take care of him, lowering his walls and letting himself be hugged.

This is also why i think hugs from characters like Garth or Charlie are so special, because they're just like us: they see Dean and they just know that he needs to be hugged a lot, and that he's not used to it, so they just go for it-- and it's so normal and kind and spontaneous that Dean's just not used to it-- he doesn't know how to respond (especially with Garth, at the beginning, but as the seasons progress, he learns to, and he even initiates the hug eventually).

I love the hugs where they're 50/50 (one arm up, one arm down both), feels like they're equals, both taking care of each other. I feel like with Sam and Dean, this indicates a healthier dynamic, because Dean lets go a little of the role that was imposed to him and manages to see Sam as the strong individual that he is. But the same applies to 50/50 hugs with other characters, like with Cas, where I feel like it testifies how equals they feel in terms of being fighters, there's a show of respect of each other's strength that transpires by the gesture (which is even more astounding considering that Cas is literally a powerful angel).

And just to end on a destiel note, I'd like to note the possessiveness and protectiveness of Dean (rightfully so) whenever he finds Cas after he thought he had lost him, and how that translates into his body/hug language:

[shallowrambles]

So, I am on my yearly Raphael-and-Cas kick. And I got to thinking about Rachel and Balthazar, specifically. I don't have it all together in my head yet, but...

I keep seeing Godstiel framed as "was Dean right, or was Cas right"? and--and--it's not that simple. it's WAR. War sucks, and you make a decision and go with it, and sometimes it blows up and no one is exactly "right." You turn around, and you find that it's all gone wrong.

Or I see "Godstiel" analyzed in terms , "well, God killed people who are *obviously* morally wrong, so that makes it okay," as if murder is justified when the people killed are cartoonishly symbolic of "wrong / other / hypocrite / racist." (Light Yagami syndrome, anyone? It always starts with good intentions, and then power corrupts.)

Anyway, not as often do I see it analyzed with the angels who turned their back on Raphael to fight with Cas, or even Balthazar in mind. So I wanted to ramble about that today... It might become something formal later IDK.

I think, militarily, what it boils down to?

Cas wanted unquestioning allegiance for a unilateral decision he made about how to win the war.

///

The commander who withheld critical info from his devoted rebels

Ok so like, if you're fighting a war or a battle or whatever--forget family for a second.

You are effectively a commander. And you want support, right? But suppose you withhold vital info from your top troops who are risking it ALL for you? That's not okay. And Cas did thar to his troops. And why did Cas withhold vital info?

Well, I think it could be because he didn't trust the angels. (And the thing is--he should've, right? They're going up against a friggin' archangel with him, to spit in the face of Fate and The Grand Plan!) But I suspect it's also because Cas wants to be supported, not questioned. Could he have split the power with other angels and mounted an effective force? Probably!

And he teaching poetry to fish thing? That's part frustration, but it's part-hubris. "No one else can think like me," is an error in thinking. It's what authoritarianism strives to CONVINCE you of. It strives to convince you that your cause is isolated and alone. And that drives you to be rash. It separates you from recognizing potential sympathizers. It works to prevent sympathizers from coming forward, too.

Authoritarianism actually messes up Cas pretty good fir most of the story. It's what drives him to hang the hopes of the future on Jack's power, but that's for another day.

Rachel and Cas

RACHEL Castiel, I've been hearing things. Things I don't want to believe. Just tell me if it's true.

CASTIEL: I have to defeat Raphael.

RACHEL: Not this way, Castiel.

CASTIEL: Rachel.

RACHEL: We put our faith in you, and...look what you're turning into.

CASTIEL: I have no choice.

Yeah, okay. Rachel pulled her blade on Cas pretty quickly, but she's been delivered a HUGE blow here. She went out on a limb to support Cas against an unbeatable enemy.

And now? She's hearing things from others before she hears it from Cas, and she's his second-in-command!

So, she's trusts her instincts and pulls her blade. And I'd wager that her instincts are right about Cas here. He's desperate and withholding info, ergo he's willing to kill to keep his plan under wraps. (Look at what happens to Bal later...)

Why the H-E-L-L is Cas acting so desperate? Well, for starters, for the first time within his CURRENT memory bank, he has something to lose (his human loved ones), and that's messing with his ability to act rationally and carefully. He's become a dreaded "uncontrollable/rasg" blue collar soldier, acting on behalf of his new family. (This is considered a political threat authoritarian regions.)

This is why I think Dean sucks as a commander, generally, too, btw. He's too emotional and wiling to do anything for the family's survival unless it's himself or an extension of himself on the line, or if he loses hope in the cause itself. (It's kind of like why we don't operate on our own family members; we shouldn't have to command our family members during battles either. It makes us unhinged.) Family makes you stronger, family makes you weaker, yadda yadda SPN themes.

Cas's also right in his analysis of himself in his narration in "The Man Who Would Be King." He's got hubris. (He came back from the dead twice, so...it's no wonder.) Eventually, he'll see it as a punishment resurrection, but during season 6, I do agree with him that he overestimated his own importance--a bit of chosen one syndrome. (Everyone trades this role back and forth during the series.)

///

Balthazar and Cas

DEAN: You're gonna torture a kid? CASTIEL: I can't care about that, Dean! I don't have the luxury.

As for Balthazar? Well, Cas seems to trust Balthazar because of the past, but I'd wager his duplicity is actually attractive to Cas in season 6. Balthazar is already lying and acting on dubious ethics at the start of the season by staking a claim on a child's soul.

So, that unethical behavior becomes attractive in a sense, within the rules of guerilla warfare, and Cas recruits him as most trusted. He sort-of lets him in with the whole weapons and unsinking the Titanic thing, but he doesn't hand him the full story.

Eventually, it shifts. Later in the story, Balthazar has been sticking his neck out for Cas, and not only is Cas not listening to Bal (are you with me or against me?), he also implies he had no intention of telling him his plans (how'd you hear about this anyway?):

BALTHAZAR: (laughs) Always were such a terrible liar. So it's true. Alright then, why?

CASTIEL: It's a means to an end. Balthazar, you understand that.

BALTHAZAR: Oh, absolutely. But what's the end here exactly? You know, raid Purgatory, snatch up all the souls?

CASTIEL: Win the war.

BALTHAZAR: And I can only assume that you'd be the vessel, correct? Suck up all those souls into yourself? All that power?

CASTIEL: It's the only way.

BALTHAZAR: Or too much juice for you, in which case you explode, taking a substantial chunk of the planet along with you.

CASTIEL: That won't happen.

BALTHAZAR: Sure, sure. Of course. (scoffs) Just - just tell me that it's entirely risk-free.

CASTIEL: I'm sorry that I didn't tell you, but I need to know. Are you with me or not?

BALTHAZAR: (chuckles) Ah. You know, you may be certifiable, but fine. In for a penny, in for a pound.

CASTIEL: How'd you hear about this anyway?

BALTHAZAR: Oh, your howler monkeys of course. See they're just a touch worked up about that kidnapping business, you know?

So uh, not for nothin, but Bal was worried about Cas AND the planet EXPLODING. We can extrapolate that any angel would have an issue with this. Indeed, in addition to being prejudiced against "dirty" demons, it's maybe why Rachel took issue with the plan, too. So, Cas's friends were worried about earth going boom, and charitably, worried about "martyr-Cas" going boom, too.

///

But Cas expected 100% support...from everyone. No questions asked.

Even Balthazar was afraid to disagree, "are you with me or against me," is ultimatum. Balthazar read the situation rightly. So Bal ran to folks he thought Cas woukd treat with kid-gloves / more gently. (Also right.)

///

Sigh. At the crux of it all...

Cas, you dummy. You can't go radio silent and expect full support with no questions asked when you've been withholding critical info like that! Not from your soldiers, not from your family, not from anyone.

///

With his human family, he left Dean in the dark for a year with no contact. Then, he omitted info like Sam's missing soul, a hiccup that almost gets multiple combatants killed (Dean, Bobby).

CASTIEL: Dean, I do everything that you ask. I always come when you call, and I am your friend. Still, despite your lack of faith in me, and now your threats, I just saved you, yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you? All I ask is this one thing.

DEAN: Trust your plan to pop Purgatory?

CASTIEL: I've earned that, Dean.

DEAN: (scoffs)

CASTIEL: I came to tell you that I will find Lisa and Ben, and I will bring them back. Stand behind me, the one time I ask.

DEAN: You're asking me to stand down?

CASTIEL: Dean.

DEAN: That's the same damn ransom note that Crowley handed me. You know that, right?

Yea, the thing is. Cas knows that. That's exactly why he's phrasing it in this FLOWERY way. (It reminds me of the language Dean uses to shame Kevin later actually, lol. "Are you gonna turn your back on us when we care so much and we're family / Cas is saying are you gonna turn your back on me with all that I've done for you?")

Are Cas's emotions true? Sure. He's stressed out and emotional and he is DEFINITELY doing this with GOOD intentions. But he's also acting unconsciously-manipulatively. "I did all of these things for you, so you should support me unconditionally."

This is...not how trust works.

Yeah, Cas is right that trust goes both ways. But trust means sharing critical battle information with your trusted rebel soldiers. It's sharing dangerous information with your family before it gets out of hand. It's trusting people to disagree with you. And Rachel, Balthazar, Dean--all of them disagree with his very, very, VERY risky plan. Just because you "do it all, all of it for you," doesn't mean you can do whatever you want in a relationship. It's not like you buy a person dinner, save their life, and they're obligated to have to 100%, no-questions-asked support you because of that. That's where Cas messes up.

Just because you command a flight of angels with a clear chain of command doesn't mean you're not obligated to share critical battle information with them, you sweet dunderhead.

Yeah, Sam and Dean didn't really "get" the Raphael civil war, but Cas purposely withheld that info. He acted too busy to tell them things in order to get out of telling them things. Like with Rachel & Balthazar, it seems like he had no intention of telling them till the plan was already sprung.

ALSO, who ELSE withheld a bunch of information, put his fam in danger while swearing he was doing it to protect them, didn't answer his phone / prayers, and threw himself into the war as a lone wolf in order "to protect them?"

Oh. The flawed soldier, John Winchester. Ouch. Am I saying Cas = John? Hell, naw. But there are parallels in the tactics of radio silence + expecting trust. It's a lone wolf soldier thing. Mary does it, too, later on.

///

Even Balthazar, child!soul snatcher extraordinaire, number one Cas!supporter, and angel of questionable moral integrity looked at the soul nuke idea and balked. And he judged (rightfully?) that he couldn't talk to Cas about it. He's known Cas since forever, and Cas's mental state had him running to outsiders for help, because he judged (rightfully) Cas to be dangerous:

BALTHAZAR: Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't think so.

DEAN: Balthazar.

BALTHAZAR: I'm betraying a friend here. A very powerful friend. We all are. So I think I've stuck my neck out far enough already. Good luck. (He disappears.)

///

CASTIEL: First Sam and Dean, and now this. I'm doing my best in impossible circumstances. My friends, they abandon me, plot against me. It's difficult to understand.

BALTHAZAR: Well you've - you've always got little old me.

(Castiel disappears. He reappears behind Balthazar and stabs him with an angel blade. Balthazar groans.)

CASTIEL: Yes, I'll always have you.

BALTHAZAR: Cas...

(As Balthazar dies, his light fills the building.)

Is Cas doing his best in impossible circumstances. Yes...? Is he succumbing to the heroic allure of "I, and I alone can fix this?" Yup. Is he falling pray to martyr-syndrome? "It doesn't matter the risk / it doesn't matter if I die / if I explode?" Also, yup. Is he horribly stabbing his friend who betrayed him because he cares about him? Yes. Cas is paranoid, desperate, mad king, backed into a corner.

Here's the thing to grapple with: he was never asking for support from anyone. He was asking for allegiance.

///

In summary, Cas knew the other angels would balk at it--that's why he didn't share the plan. He coulda split the power among several angels, in fact, but he didn't want to.

Perhaps on a very subconscious level, he wanted to punish his family, even though he loves them. (Hello, pizza man and the babysitter scene.) He was ashamed of his angelic brothers; perhaps, he was still wounded by Raphael's killing of him when Cas stayed behind to defend Chuck. He killed Raphael the same way he himself was killed. That felt personal.

CASTIEL I was no fool. I knew who Crowley was and what he did. But I was smarter than him, stronger. I see now that I was prideful. And in all likelihood, I was a fool.

[casterixe]

Ah no... I think I gotta not look at my ff7 tags until I get further into the game T^T sad... I'll miss looking at you Rufus boy. After Junon maybe <3

[sunglassesmish]

awkward family reunions with one person who was presumed dead and another who was resurrected from the dead

[hxnnibxi]

do you think sam watched everytime dean transferred cas' coat into the new vehicle they were slumming in?? do you think he saw how badly cas' death hurt dean? do you think sam watched his brother in silence because he didn't know what to day?? because he knew dean would never admit what he really felt?

[tricoufamily]

random townie makeovers

[werepires]

the implications.