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findmeinthefallair · 1 year

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Hunter's Experiences After Belos's Death

Oops, this got long. Aw well, it was really fun to write.

Special thanks to @ashanimus!

This is speculative at the end of the day, but since:

1. This is my fave animated show of all time

2. I grew up with Complex PTSD (CPTSD) like Hunter

3. I work as a therapist,

I thought to list down some things I can visualize happening in the duration of the finale's timeskip, before that beautiful epilogue we saw. And I want to dive in using whatever clues, leads and parallels I can find in canon: to analyze and see how he went from the Bad But Sad Boy to that peaceful-looking palisman carver in the epilogue.

A small reference I had for this meta is Cinema Therapy's episode on the Hunger Games movies (link), since the protagonist, Katniss Everdeen, from the book and also movie trilogy would have the same diagnosis as Hunter. Those books and movies explored how Katniss coped with the frightening and dramatically different landscape that was the calmness of her world post-victory.

Part 1: His Possible Experiences Leading Up to Seeking a Therapist

His disposition could possibly become like Luz's from early Season 3: a state of emotionally shutting down and numbing out. He appeared to nearly head in this direction right after he was revived by Flapjack, as he began to cry. There was that small window where he could have expressed more tears than he did, and have his body shut down under the weight of bereavement.

But the immediate physical threat, Belos, was still on the run. He got up, sprang into action and didn't catch a break from the time he followed Belos through the portal until he stood in The Collector's palace after Belos died (had he even received the news of his 'Uncle' dying yet??!).

Now that Belos isn't around anymore, the Isles will have a completely different feel and rebuilding the land would've taken grueling work after the dismantling of a damaging Coven System.

I was looking at Luz's behavior and gestures in Thanks to Them, which were indicative of her sinking into depression after 1. the horrible revelation in Hollow Mind that she unintentionally helped Philip. 2. witnessing Flapjack's death. I'm putting screenshots of her below in parallel with Hunter's own emotions in For the Future:

They have different mental health conditions if you talk symptoms, e.g. Luz doesn't show signs of CPTSD hypervigilance, while Hunter doesn't have that slowing down in his physical and mental activity which points to depression. But both have suffered from moral injury thanks to Belos's violence and manipulation.

However, a major comparison is that Hunter has had much more repressed emotion over a long period compared to Luz. The column with Hunter screencaps above, is what he may feel with a much higher intensity in the weeks and months after he first hears that his abuser has passed on.

Shown below, the few seconds of Hunter's big smile drooping when it was all over, was a big hint for me:

A hint that there is a deep undercurrent of emotions he'd much rather not feel, that he'd probably rather hide from himself. Even while smiling, we know how his heart-wrenching story has played out and the light in his eyes here doesn't match the brightness we see in his expressions in the epilogue, post-timeskip.

That is the face of a kid who has not cried out massive amounts of tears yet. He doesn't look like he's carrying a light load yet, compared to what we see in his future self. And it's certainly a heavier smile than the jollier one he makes here right after King's Tide when Flapjack was still around:

I can't imagine the amount of grief that his body has yet to dredge up and release, once he finally doesn't have to worry about his 'uncle' threatening his life anymore. Too many times to count, I've been in the situation where I cry intensely after being retraumatized and think "Huh? More tears? Where did it come from?? I thought I had cried it all out from my whole being the last time!". It kind of convinced me that anyone with CPTSD has so much grief stored up in their body that the number of times needed to have a good cry feels like a really endless expanse.

However: because I had 7 years of being in and out of therapy, what matters is that the durations between these episodes of mine, the durations of the episodes themselves, plus their intensity have reduced a lot. It was around a 4-year timeskip in the finale, so for Hunter to get as far as he did to heal, his own therapy sessions would've probably been rigorous and very consistent.

Anyway, he might now cycle through his own version of what Luz cycled through when she gradually shuts down from failing to build a new portal door in Thanks to Them, continually believes she's as bad as Belos, and when she alludes to her suicidal ideation in the classroom:

whereby there is a likely parallel between Luz wrestling with guilt from her own moral injury, and Hunter's own guilt from what he wished he could've done to prevent being possessed, to prevent Flapjack from dying. Both their situations are that of moral injuries.

The adrenaline rush would be over for everyone on the Isles.

I'm quite sure the therapists on the Isles will operate pretty soon after the news about Belos's death was out. They would conduct whatever version of mental health triage they have, that involves risk assessments and crisis counselling. Both of these based on what I've learnt are shorter in duration (30 minutes) and are one-off sessions, compared to regular talk therapy which is an hour minimum.

The therapists would be redirecting people to necessary resources e.g. where to find food or loved ones, and managing distress only related to people's immediate needs instead of forming a longer term plan for several weekly sessions.

I believe things are simpler when you are running away from an external threat, like the two Hunter scenarios below. In Hollow Mind there is no emotion on his face because in peak C-PTSD mode he has shut down his emotions to pour that energy into escaping Belos. In Thanks to Them, he appears quite obviously scared with widened eyes because he got comfortable with safety for months and Belos's return was a surprise attack (thanks ashanimus for pointing out to me how his expressions are animated!):

But what is there to run from now? Not an external threat for sure. The war zone is now the one in his mind, heart and soul and it would become front and center. I believe both these screenshots are two notches on a dial, and the missing third image - which would show him finding it difficult to stuff down the grief any longer, might look like a more exasperated version of when he told Willow "Please don't call yourself [a Half-a-Witch] ever again" in For the Future, and eventually a more depressed version of his vanishing smile in The Collector's Palace.

When can he really run from himself? Only while asleep, if he's spared nightmares on any given night, or while distracting himself with the main mission of rebuilding the Isles or continuing to bond with his friends and other people.

His anger in For the Future was a telling sign for me that he made sure his focus was still on an external threat: he still had the opportunity to do so back then, because Belos was still alive. But when we see him in The Collector's palace sending Willow off to her dads, there has realistically been a shift in what will threaten the more fragile shreds of inner peace he's still clinging on to. There are those scary trauma-related emotions to worry about, which wouldn't have just evaporated into thin air. They would be looking for a new outlet, and they'll find their way into flashbacks, nightmares, tension still stored in the body, an exaggerated startle response, etc.

We have seen a range of reactions he has to danger, triggers and emotional pain: some involve moving his body more, and fewer involve a short of shutting down:

Flinching during Belos's tantrums, being able to fight Kikimora calmly, freezing up in the throne room (Hunting Palismen)

Suicidal ideation and even a sort of suicide plan (Eclipse Lake)

Freezing up and expecting punishment from Darius (Any Sport in a Storm)

Being able to stay almost entirely calm as he learnt more and more of the truth about Belos, though his hand was shaking briefly, then a panic attack later on (Hollow Mind)

Lots of avoidance symptoms like numbing, combined with hypervigilance e.g. shivering and another panic attack (Labyrinth Runners)

Feeling fear with underlying shame and subconsciously expecting punishment, when he failed to save Luz (Clouds on the Horizon)

Freezing and recoiling, though he fought against this by asserting a boundary with Belos (King's Tide)

Panic attack when looking into the mirror and having an emotional flashback, hypervigilance e.g. stamping his foot and shivering (Thanks to Them)

Anger and rage to cope with bereavement, later being tearful (For the Future)

Most likely a sense of bereavement, deep exhaustion and possibly loneliness, during that briefly shown moment in The Collector's Palace (Watching and Dreaming)

The serious work he has to put in to heal from his trauma would begin once his whole body gives in to the exhaustion, catching up with the bereavement-related emotions that have also begun to settle in. It could be a massive emotional and physical collapse that he can't fight off, where his physical energy levels become tanked seemingly out of nowhere. And I think it would look like a worse version of him lying in his makeshift grave, where he is barely able to move around the house or anywhere for some time.

This happened to Katniss in the Hunger Games trilogy, and while the portrayal was done differently in the books and movies, both were good explorations of what it's like to shift from the default high alert (and long-term) mode of CPTSD to coping with the scary unknown world of newfound safety. Katniss spent her childhood in poverty and being constantly on edge that she might be chosen for the Hunger Games, being parentified, to provide for her family.

While participating in the games, she had to utilize battle skills and kill others to survive and sustained many injuries, still constantly on high alert whereby any respite would last for incredibly short durations. Towards the end of the story, after she loses the one she loved most (her sister Prim, who I think can be a parallel of Flapjack in this meta), Katniss shifts from peak physical activity into mostly sleeping and being actively suicidal for months, hardly moving and not leaving the house, until the shock of traumatic grief began to wear off. She absolutely crashed and went from one extreme to the other. In the movie Mockingjay Part 2, they added a non-book scene where her grief comes out in an outburst when she sees their pet cat hanging around on the kitchen counter. She flings an object in the cat's direction, then screams "[Prim] is gone!!" repeatedly before collapsing into heavy sobs, picking up the cat and holding it to her chest to soothe herself.

This kind of major collapse might happen very soon to Hunter after he leaves The Collector's Palace or only after some weeks. The timing of this, I can't predict. The reason why he didn't appear to have this issue in the early months being in the human realm is because there was still something external to concentrate on: help his friends get back to the Human Realm, help Luz reunite with Eda and King, while him and Flapjack hoped to go home too.

You could argue that even now, he still has something external to focus on i.e. helping the others rebuild the Isles. However I keep imagining that the people who love him are going to be quite adamant in getting him, Luz and the other kids to please rest. Since we saw Steve recommend his therapist to Lilith in O Titan Where Art Thou, I can picture the adults in particular monitoring how Hunter is doing without Flapjack.

But if this collapse I'm speculating about doesn't happen so soon, he would be pouring himself into helping others, referencing his character-centric line all the way back in Hunting Palismen about wanting to offer help, which he utters twice in that episode. There is an overlap between this expectation he has of himself and the old habit he's at risk of falling back into periodically: overworking.

Once his desire to help others is clearly comes across as an avoidance tactic on the outside - a maladaptive coping mechanism to run from the very difficult emotions that he should be processing - people around him are definitely going to set boundaries and say "No" to any attempts he makes to assist them. Someone is probably going to tell him that whatever desperation he is showing in wanting to help other people, needs to be redirected at himself. Making time and space for himself, taking time off to rest.

Him suffering from a major emotional and physical collapse is pretty likely because things are more complicated (though, physically much much safer) for him now than at the beginning of Thanks to Them when he had just fled from Belos to the human realm, and had Flapjack as his closest company. Fast forward to the victory won in Watching and Dreaming: both Flapjack and Belos are gone now.

It's telling that different thoughts are occupying Hunter's mind now, from how his expressions are drawn during his first days in the human realm vs. when peace is restored in the Isles.

1. See the sense of calmer urgency in his expression, putting the mission of building the portal door first, while experiencing a strong sense of togetherness with his friends, and learning to trust Camila who is treating him well:

compared to

2. the sheer exhaustion and feeling of "What now...?" (see his upper eyelids below?) that set in, once he helped Willow find her parents and there was no more task at hand that didn't involve himself. His bright smile from a split-second ago has drooped and disappeared:

I know that right after the above frame, Darius and Eberwolf reunited with him, but his emotions are going to cycle up and down in the hours, weeks and months ahead. The elation from seeing Darius and Eber - people who were there to greet him when he expected nobody to turn up - is not going to last, though it will certainly come and go, because high-running positive emotions like that don't last as long, especially in the context of the life he's had as a child soldier. It's totally possible that on the same night, hours after this reunion with their loved ones, their emotions will shift drastically.

The tired look in his eyes above and the sad face he then makes, is in between two moments of him having something external to focus on (Willow and then Darius). I'm inclined to think that the above depressed look reflects a lot of the complexity that is going on underneath the surface. What is his state of mind when alone with his thoughts, when he has zero tasks to perform? How is he handling those thoughts?

There will be a deep, sometimes mind-numbing sense of bereavement over two significant figures in his life. First Flapjack, now this:

He used to love Belos. But I'm really not sure he can just uproot that love from deep within and discard it. Hunter carries memories like the following ones around which will be confusing to navigate on tougher days, despite being able to tell Luz "That's what Belos does, he tricks people". Because these were his formative years:

and something tells me that Philip was cunning enough to strike a delicate balance between being 'nice' to Hunter like above, versus unleashing his violent temper to terrify and harm him. Making sure that balance was so close to 50/50 that it would leave a child very confused. So confused he would rather believe he's never good enough rather than the more frightening prospect that his so-called family does not actually love him at all.

Hunter will have a moment now and then of still missing the 'niceness' that his 'uncle' showed towards him (felt in his heart and subconscious), while still knowing (in his head, rationally) that Philip was not genuine when treating him that way.

To note though, he did not witness Belos's death which reduces the severity of intrusive images that the poor kid would see in his mind.

What I'm worried about is how he'll handle the news about the grimwalker graveyard, since I'm sure that location is going to be scoured and Darius would want to give his mentor a proper sending off. They'd want to give all the Golden Guards and Caleb a sending off and pay their respects. This might add to what I suspect will be the messed up depression he'll fall into.

It will be very confusing and emotionally disorienting, literally not needing to worry about anyone killing him anymore. He has had no point of reference for this in his life at all. It might possibly the furthest he ever goes from that primal survival instinct he had while living in the Castle for so long, which took up the majority of his life so far:

There will also be the added layer of how he feels about those first emotions. This is literally a concept called Feelings About Feelings and it's a key part of my work since I use the Satir Model in my style of counselling. We don't just feel emotions, we also tack on our own judgments and evaluations about them. E.g. shame about feeling anger, guilt about feeling sad because of burdening others, or even a combination like fear about feeling joy which can show up in healing from bereavement.

Depending on how we feel about whichever emotions got there first, it makes a difference because we could be adding or subtracting unnecessary suffering from the first emotion, especially if the first emotion is an already unpleasant one.

I have a feeling that we'd see Hunter look very very tired, till he makes breakthroughs in therapy. A tiredness that sleep, a healthy diet and exercise alone simply cannot fix. Because there's an entire upbringing in the Emperor's Coven to sort through in his head, this time not combined with the avoidance of having fled to the human realm and living under one roof with his friends.

The Hexsquad are not living under the same roof anymore, they are reunited with their own families with much to emotionally talk out, and the group no longer has a very urgent single collective mission. Sure, Hunter has an active role to play in rebuilding the Isles, but what about rebuilding his very self? He has the steepest climb, because we have seen the symptoms he exhibits.

Most of all, referencing a section of my Retraumatization and Self-Soothing (Part 1) meta (link), a memory as horrible as this:

will likely be the most intrusive image is going to be replaying again and again over the months to come, and it may flood his thoughts during moments of being triggered or even out of nowhere during quiet moments for no apparent reason. It will be just like a broken record, where the same small excerpt of a song loops endlessly until the needle of the gramophone is repositioned.

It was remarkably poignant that his final words to Belos were "And most of all, I'm going to make sure you never hurt anyone again", and I'm happy with the story keeping it this way and understand why the writers likely made this decision - not just because the season was shortened. Hunter did not need to directly see or hear more from Belos in close quarters, not after his abuser minimized his needs for years, gaslit him, possessed him and got him to murder his best friend with his own hands.

It's more straightforward to make sure someone else isn't hurting anyone. It's easier to think of what plans to implement, when it comes to him protecting others: which he has had plenty of practice with. Because those are practical methods that we can see in action on the outside.

But here's the kicker: what about applying that last grand statement from his TTT speech to himself, emotionally: making sure he isn't psychologically hurting himself with harmful unhelpful thoughts and beliefs, after Belos's death? "I'll make sure I don't hurt myself (and by extension, my loved ones) again".

This will be very new to him, and it is a theme that I handle in pretty much every client case in my therapy work. The client's self-dialogue, the self-compassion or lack thereof. Which, in real life, is often not a concept that our own families and schools introduce to us to be familiar with.

For Hunter, this may translate into him making the decision to get help and truly accepting the gift of life that Flapjack gave him.

Basically this on a much bigger scale:

whereby in Flapjack's absence, he can truly believe in this new and positive fundamental belief about himself. The evidence that he managed to make it to that heartbreaking but incredibly beautiful place is pretty strong:

But before his happy ending, the pressure on himself to be useful to others via helping and working is likely going to come back and be used as his way of coping, and there's a chance it will cross the line into becoming a form of self-harm that he's relying on to avoid the frightening, deeper emotional pain. People around him know him well enough that they'll be able to spot his behavioral changes and then sense he is not going in a helpful direction. They'll see that it's hurting him even though it's the most familiar territory for his mind to be in, and someone is going to tell him to change that.

He's going to be seeing his friends with their palismen. How will it be like being among them, even if they are pretty good at supporting him? How would he attempt to make sense of the void that is the absence of the incredible love he experienced from that first friend, the absence of that mental link between witch and palisman?

What emotions could be lurking beneath the surface? Believe it or not, there are some signs from Luz's nightmare even though yes, Hunter was being controlled by The Collector. I wouldn't quickly dismiss this dark Flapjack-related scene as 100% being about The Collector's goal to scare Luz in the nightmare.

I think there was a smaller subplot going on as well.

The Collector needed material to work with in the first place, to perform the puppet acts: the material was whatever fears and whatever pain was already there in their targets.

The Collector didn't create Hunter's emotions from scratch for the puppet act; instead he manipulated and redirected what existed at the base level. All this wouldn't work as analogies of mental illness vs. mental health if The Collector could just engineer emotions on their own and simply replace whatever his puppet targets were already feeling. Emotions never vanish and always take up space somewhere, they are redirected, transformed or channeled into outlets even if it means they become repressed or locked away. But they never stop existing.

I have a feeling that despite the nightmare being Luz's, despite Hunter being used as an instrument for The Collector to achieve their goals...the pre-existing emotions that Hunter himself felt in his body, not puppet!Hunter's verbal responses towards Luz, were true. He is a haunted boi.

This face he makes above might be a hint at the worst of his pain. It might be the furthest he has felt from when he said "I like who I am right now" to Flapjack. In the place of that confidence from before, there might now be his own version of Luz's "I'm as bad as Belos". I cannot be entirely certain, but the negative belief that may have taken root in him could be "I am not deserving of the life Flapjack gave me".

Interestingly, if this is the case, it could easily parallel his line from all the way back in Any Sport in A Storm: "I'm unfit to wear the sigil of the Golden Guard." It's definitely a possibility, since Hunter is now faced with having a lot of time and space now, and less urgency than he's ever had in his life, to think back on all those times he helped to further Belos's cause. Especially when it came to sending many palismen to their deaths.

With his own palisman now dead, the engraving we would eventually see on Flapjack's grave: "Thank you for finding me", would be the destination. But the journey needed to reach that destination of amazing gratitude in the first place...must have been a harrowing one. In the early months of the acute grief, it would've been more like "Why did you have to find me?! You shouldn't have. Then none of this would've happened". Not forgetting the number of times Hunter has replayed in his head what he could've done differently, trying so desperately to rewind the clock and make that better alternate timeline a reality.

If you remove The Collector and even Luz from the equation in the Luz nightmare scene, Hunter may well be having such responses - the ones that puppet!Hunter directed at Luz to blame Luz - as a dialogue with himself. He might direct those negative emotions towards himself since he's so careful about hurting others and has taken on unfair punishment for so much of his life.

Even when he was temporarily himself, smiling, expressing a positive emotion to encourage Luz with "What's the first thing you do when you wake up from a bad dream?", that was him conversing with another person, someone external. Not his own self. I am willing to bet he wasn't at a point in his arc where he would smile at himself like that and easily encourage himself in the same way.

While we can be certain he had already reached his breakthroughs by the time we saw him post-timeskip, he has not experienced them yet in the frame above. He has not felt (yet) what Luz felt onscreen when she had breakthroughs in relation to her moral injury:

Taking a leap of faith to accept the Titan's gift, to trust that he chose her because she has a good heart and will never be Belos.

Then later, being able to stand firm, believing she truly is good ("I am the Good Witch Luz!"), and not uttering a word to Belos as he died - which was post-traumatic growth beyond how she broke down under his threats and manipulation towards the end of Hollow Mind and later in King's Tide.

Recap time. In the (quite likely) long period that passes by before we meet his new palismen, he's likely going to want to jump into action and attend meetings with Darius, Eberwolf and co, help to physically rebuild things and organize people with his own Coven Head experience. Leaning back on the ingrained and familiar lifestyle of pouring himself into work and gearing towards burnout is certainly a risk to watch out for.

The Hexsquad, CATTs and the Clawthorne sisters are going to notice his behavior and likely urge him to get appropriate rest and seek help.

However, there is the other extreme: Belos isn't around anymore to torment him, and Hunter would know this in the rational sense (head knowledge). Which leads to the possibility that he may swing towards shutting down as opposed to overworking tendencies. He would feel allowed to do whatever he wants, in this new Boiling Isles, and he had months of opportunities to do that in the early part of Thanks to Them before Belos's return.

What I'm getting at is, if he didn't sleep enough before, he might swing towards sleeping too much after finally collapsing from the familiarity of survival mode into unknown but genuinely safe territory. If he cared too much about helping others before, he might swing towards a depressive state of apathy (the closest canon reference point would be him digging his grave: he was very disarmed in that scene to even think much about helping anyone including Belos). This is why the screenshot I used of his smile drooping in The Collector's Palace, feels like a big clue to me. This would be where Darius, Camila and other adults have to seriously keep watch over him.

In the Cinema Therapy episode I had as a small reference for this post, the licensed therapist who hosts the series mentions that "It takes a lot longer to put oneself back together than it took to fall apart." In Hunter's case, the "falling apart" period here refers to that collapsing I mentioned. It would be the time between:

1. the grief hitting him in full force: when he subconsciously understands and acknowledges that Flapjack isn't coming back (which...will involve hell of a lot of wailing and sobbing. Him having a full version cry of those first few tears he shed at the end of TTT),

and

2. the time when the painful shock from feeling the full force of the grief has decreased enough that it plateaus.

This falling apart stage may need to pass before he seeks therapy. If he tries going for sessions while still going through that shock and pain, it might be too much for him.

As terrible and sad as it sounds, a deep dark spiral like this might be necessary. It would be his body and mind wanting to compensate for several years' worth of unnatural hypervigilance which wasn't serving him in a advantageous way (i.e. surviving) any longer. His body and mind begging for rest at last, to try and make sense of everything that happened. This big collapse into depression would empty out the old and free up much room in him for new stories, beliefs and perspectives to take root. Depression is, after all, the body's attempt to (maladaptively) try and protect us by numbing us, or else we would be overwhelmed.

As someone whom we know keeps himself very busy, this could be the period where he is the furthest he has ever been from that old simpler life. Because his CPTSD-ridden body would be demanding more than ever that he compensates for a childhood and teen years' lack of general rest, he may not even have the strength to cope the way he did before. The only way he might possibly cope in this period is to go with the flow of that raging current and do exactly what his body is asking of him: getting real rest.

Like what happened with Katniss in the Hunger Games trilogy, this early grieving stage would emotionally be difficult and terrifying, like walking along a tightrope, finding balance between left and right to angle yourself as straightly as possible and walk forward. (the tightrope metaphor is what I use with some of my clients to explain swinging between extremes of coping mechanisms).

The missing pieces of the puzzle in his arc, in the 4-year duration before the timeskip, might be his own version of these points in Luz's arc:

where she sank lower before she realized her deepest wish and emotionally experienced her worst fear in her Watching and Dreaming nightmare.

For Hunter, these could look like the following:

Like Luz saying it'd be better for everyone that she permanently stays in the human realm, Hunter might say he wants to remove himself from his loved ones in some way, for good. Whether a literal suicide attempt (like Katniss from The Hunger Games) or not, I can't say for sure.

A parental figure trying to reach out to him, saying he is deserving of Flapjack's gift. But he still struggles to believe that. What matters though is this parental figure is present and he's not pushing them away.

Him hearing some confirmation of his deepest negative belief about himself, in his own nightmares. Like Luz hearing the most terrifying things she could ever hear - Amity's "You've been the real villain this whole time" and "But for the sake of everyone you hurt, I challenge you to a witch's [duel]".

Him being able to reach an emotional space where he can begin to question that unhelpful belief: "Am I really deserving of Flapjack's gift?", or something similar.

The big moment when he finally tells someone how he really feels about the possession, Belos's death, Flapjack's absence in this new supposed peace and quiet....this would be the important invitation for the other person to connect and meet his emotional needs, and is a lot like how support groups for addiction work: a client needs to acknowledge that they are struggling with a problem, not avoiding it with distractions any longer, and then seek help and express their need for said help.

I suppose the question is how soon Hunter might decide to accept professional help and give it a go: or whether he'd have the genuine need for space first and say "I need some time". Because one's rational mind can be ready to go for therapy, but their subconscious and body would find it too unpleasant if it's too soon. Every part of him would have to be ready to begin putting himself back together after the falling apart stage occurs.

The messed up experience of CPTSD is that you stay shockingly calm during real danger, but on the flip side have big, disproportionate freakouts during actually safe times. Compare how calm Hunter was when he smiled at Luz in her nightmare while he was tied up with puppet strings vs. his fear and shame when he couldn't save Luz in Clouds on the Horizon.

In a CPTSD memoir I read, the author describes that it was horribly frightening to hear her partner be in a bad mood and wash the dishes more loudly than usual, while during the pandemic, she felt completely calm seeing empty shelves in a supermarket when she struggled to get supplies.

From my own experience, I have experienced being pretty damn calm when bleeding out and needing hospitalization. But in a different year before that, I recall one afternoon alone in my house right before a vacation where a strong gust of wind very loudly slammed an open door shut next to where I happened to be standing, and I broke down sobbing from a retraumatization via an emotional flashback. Because it felt extremely real as if my abusive parent was lashing out to physically hurt me.

After a 5-year period of mostly being in talk therapy, and then a 2-year period of regularly scheduled EMDR therapy, my response if I have a door loudly slam shut near me now would maybe be a smaller-scale flinch and a flash of anger that would last about maybe a minute. Which is miles better than sobbing for half an hour and being dissociated and frozen in a memory for hours before I thaw out of that flashback.

Since the show's writing is just that good, I could look at Luz's depressive symptoms manifesting in Thanks to Them and see a likely parallel in Hunter's story moving forward, since we know how much this show also digs neat and tidy parallels. These are characters written for TV after all, so they'd have to fit a formula to an extent, to have compelling arcs and reach high and low points along said arcs.

Part 2: Therapy Itself

Part 1 was the setup to give a good amount of context: now for the technicalities of the therapy sessions themselves:

Like Adrian Graye said in Labyrinth Runners, Illusion Magic can sort through memories. We have seen from Gus's own powerful Illusion abilities that he could do so with Belos. It makes sense that a therapist does this in sessions to have a magnified version of how in our world, therapists exercise empathy by imagining what it is like to be their clients:

I would monitor whether his mood (what he is feeling within) and affect (how the emotions appear on the outside e.g. tone of voice, face expressions) are congruent. Congruence usually means a client is in less distress. Incongruence might mean they are in so much pain that they can't connect directly with the main emotion: the perfect example of this being Hunter laughing when digging his grave.

We therapists take note of aspects such as affect, mood, the client's motor activity, any indicators of psychosis, even down to things like how untidy their hair looks in case we get clues about the severity of their issues (this is called a Mental Status Exam, and we write what we see in our case notes per session).

Because CPTSD is so relationship-centric, I'd discuss how he's getting along with new parental figures (the Belos replacements who will heal him so much and change his life forever!) and friends.

If the Boiling Isles therapists use their own equivalent of EMDR therapy, which is theorized to be like a waking version of how REM sleep and REM-related dreams help our brains to sort through memories, it sounds like a great fit for his case. This intervention involves subconscious work and could help him reshape how he experiences memories of Flapjack and Belos. EMDR clients are expected to see vivid images popping up without control in their mind during the sessions, and they are quite symbolic e.g. seeing a grey sky often indicates grief, seeing lighter colors indicates more calm. This technique helps a client's subconscious rewrite their story the way they'd like it to be, and install new positive beliefs and emotions over time.

My own example of EMDR experiences from the second half of 2019 as a client, is it majorly changed how I related to my own abuser, got me to finally feel allowed to emotionally break away from her, even though she is still alive and even lives in the same building.

In the early sessions, I saw an image of my 5-year-old self being forced to wear an ugly grey apron that my abuser used for baking. The apron is a real object, not fictional, and the emotions I felt showing up were matching with the image: feeling very uncomfortable seeing a visual representation of my abuser's hold over me.

But in a later session after a few months, guided by my therapist, I saw a vivid image of my abuser receiving a sea burial. She was lying peacefully on the water surface and sank down until she was gone. That was me subconsciously burying any expectation that she could ever provide what I needed. This was so powerful that I could go home after that session and permanently (so far) be significantly calmer around my abuser.

Therefore if Hunter goes through something like this, he'd potentially be able to put Belos to rest and have it feel very real and true: and have significantly reduced distress about Belos-related memories. There is the potential for powerful breakthroughs for him here, especially also related to Flapjack's death and how challenging it might be to carve palismen in the beginning. Especially since in the worst case scenario, even touching palistrom wood might be enough to badly trigger him. I cover this particular point a bit more in my other meta, Retraumatization and Self-Soothing (Part 1).

We would also be discussing what he's implementing into his routine and what may benefit him. I would be seeing if he is able to laugh about things, be motivated enough to be outdoors and among people, experience pleasure when creating new things, and form closer bonds with parental figures (what I just listed is to do with neurotransmitters in the brain that increase mental health: serotonin, endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin).

If I were his therapist I might suggest that whatever volunteering tasks he does, he carries those out with his friends, and time should be allocated to managing and taking care of a specific demographic: children. Because I think it'd be a safe, low stakes form of unfamiliarity for him to have enough emotional distance from his traumatic memories. Early months of acute grief usually require such emotional distance.

Having a good dose of an environment like that alongside the other tasks where he's working alongside Darius etc, could help him because kids' emotions are less complex, and their infectious laughter and fun-loving nature may play a role in helping him be more open with his own inner child. His therapist would be seeking to draw out that inner child in their sessions, and that little child would need to feel safe enough to emerge.

Importantly, his future palisman: it would've been interesting if he did what Luz did with Stringbean and allowed the palisman to be whoever they wanted to be...that would've been a nicely organic process. But even if he had a good idea to incorporate a Flapjack-like design but change details like the color, I'm sure he thought it through very well. I'm certain that this was a major topic of discussion at some stage of his therapy. Discussing the guilt he'd feel about replacing Flapjack vs. still taking Flapjack with him in a new way.

Coming from a strengths-based angle: paying attention to which of his individual strengths he is shows and recounts in the session. If he needs reminding, I could give him a simple worksheet listing various positive qualities and ask him to circle/colour in which ones he feels he has, which then prompts further discussion and questions. Lastly, a powerful tool called reframing e.g. if he says he's worried about being a nuisance to his friends, I'll point out how much he cares about their comfort and affirm that place of kindness.

Work on inviting self-compassion into how he sees himself. Is he able to view himself the way he views his friends? If he remembers the encouragement he gave to Luz about "turning on the light", I would ask him what that would look like in his own life, symbolically.

Hunter's own life has been a really really bad dream for a very long time. He himself has to reach for that light switch and choose to heal by embracing Flapjack's ultimate gift to him.

And we can rest assured that Hunter did that.

Because this post-traumatic growth right here?

This looks like multiple breakthroughs have taken place while he's been receiving consistent care from an excellent community. And there's no way it was an easily won victory. It has been very much hard-won, after how dark the story became in Hollow Mind and Thanks to Them, and it looks like whatever breakthroughs he had left him pleasantly surprised.

It doesn't seem like his heart and soul can contain this much joy and hope, without a very painful dismantling to have taken place first, to make room for the most unexpected treasures to fill his life back up.

The joy becomes even greater if you never would've expected it in your wildest dreams.

#toh hunter #toh analysis #toh spoilers #the owl house #loz writes a meta

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asukiess · 6 months

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why the kuro neko salters were right

between boops today, I decided to rewatch relevant episodes for fic writing purposes, and I started off with a strong, principled Adrien episode: Kuro Neko.

I feel that I defended this episode for a long, long time, when in reality my rewatch illuminated a lot of its flaws: Marinette's continued mistreatment of Chat Noir for no reason (and frankly, her bitchy tone when snapping at him in the beginning); the unhealthy ardency for which Chat Noir goes crawling back to her, reenforcing a harmful message to young viewers about love and partnerships; and finally, with everything else that happened in Season 4, why did the writers waste a WHOLE episode on ???? a character who only shows up once ???? Adrien never even MENTIONS being Cat Walker again in Season 5????

I unfortunately feel like writing a s6 fic meant evaluating things in a new light, but I'll keep it under a read more so those who don't want to see this meta, especially from me, can easily scroll past.

(I still like Loveywalker, but to me it feels more like... two OCs rather than having to be bound by a canon that doesn't even respect its own story?)

Let's start with my first point, the mistreatment of Chat Noir.

"What was that?"

Ladybug's left hand retreated back, her right still lightly resting in his grasp. Her face was set with a small smile, more than he'd seen these days. His lips were still pouting, as his respectful kissing of her hand had been interrupted by something...familiar.

"I thought you said you liked cats, Velours," she teased, tilting her head. "You've never done that to a cat?"

Patte de Velours's nose still tingled. He dropped her hand and coughed behind his own, averting his gaze. "Cats are...fickle pets. I try not to disturb them too much."

Ladybug considered this with a hum, hiding her hands behind her back. "That might be right, but it's still fun to do that every now and again." Her eyes too fell on the roof below them. "I haven't done that in a long time."

Velours thought her words over carefully, rubbing the back of his neck. Maybe she'd had a pet cat that wasn't around anymore. He had never had a pet himself, never being allowed, but the thought of losing something without being able to properly express to them how much they'd meant to you felt like a punch to the gut.

"I'm sorry for your loss," he said finally, with measure and compassion. A little uncouth, he scratched his nose.

She waved him off with an airy laugh. "No, don't be! It's not your fault." She rubbed one eye with her knuckle. "Allergies, actually---can't be around each other without issues!" She sighed. "Back to the shelter."

His heart fell. Somehow, that seemed even worse, having a pet and needing to give it up.

"Cats are really funny, though," she began again, and both of their heads raised, eyes catching. "Sometimes when you do that, they do it back."

Velours couldn't help but smile, and he wanted to see hers again, too. Reaching out with his index finger, he lightly tapped her nose, trying not to laugh at the way her eyes crossed when she followed the movement. "Like that?"

Her lips, pressed into a straight line, wobbled out into a grin. "You're close, but it's a little more like..." She repeated the action, tapping his harder than before, flicking her wrist for extra flair. "Like that?"

He nodded with all the feigned seriousness he could muster. Like he was truly taking notes on this. "I see. So maybe like---" he quickly tapped hers with precision, and she scrunched her nose in a giggle. "Did I do it right that time?"

She shook her head and his mouth dropped open in actual surprise. "Not even close." She booped his nose again, and before her hand was back in her lap he was already returning the gesture, and quickly the two of them devolved into a flurry of taps and laughter, the push and pull of their bodies swaying them as they weaved like boxers in a fight.

It only stopped when her hands accidentally smushed his nose so hard, his eyes immediately stung with tears.

"Oops!" Ladybug cringed behind the offending hand, head ducking between her shoulders. "I'm sorry!"

"It's all right," he said, rubbing his nose with a smile. "You obviously won with the finishing blow. I was no match for the Ladybug."

Her eyes softened as she studied him, and he smiled again to show her he was really okay.

"Still," she crooned, reaching out again. Her finger came to rest on his chin, tilting his face down, which he followed without question. "I'm sorry," she said, and leaned in close, placing a small kiss on his nose. "I hope you can forgive me."

"I already have," Velours managed through a renewed wave of tears and a hot blush.

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lxmelle · 6 months

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Thoughts/Ponderings/Musings on ch 236. About Gojo reaching Sukuna, his death, his relationships, etc.

I know there are people who really dislike the characterisation here, expressing that Gojo is likely far more kind and caring for his students, etc.

Gege and his infinite wisdom over his creation seems to like encouraging headcanon kaisen, lol. He certainly keeps things quite true to life and allows the reader to make their own conclusions.

It is not my place as a casual reader to judge his writing, and I will defend it inasmuch as I also had hoped for more: Just because it isn’t explicitly said, doesn’t mean those things we have seen about Gojo aren’t true. I agree that it is also a shame that more wasn’t or couldn’t be included in this chapter to either dispel or confirm, but that’s masterful writing in itself, I guess.

I take small refuge in my interpretation that this is a glimpse of a conversation; as in real life, we ease into conversations. I enjoyed the dynamics and overall tone. I like to remember that each expression was a decision made, and these details can hold a lot of weight in meaning.

So we see that Gojo prefaces with something else and was responding rather specifically to Geto’s question regarding his fight, his end.

Geto, a natural conversationalist, who is said to be good at being at Gojo’s level, enquires about his fight - entering into neutral territory after Gojo expressed frustration and being stunned after his sudden arrival there.

Geto reads him / the atmosphere well and responds to tune the conversation to a level he can reach Gojo, despite possibly having a lot to say and catch up on himself. (Like, we never hear him talk about his family aside from confirming they escaped.)

He is showing respect for his friend. What do they have to rush for, anyway? I don’t think there is a specific afterlife if they chose to go south. Time may be infinite?

—

A lot more under the cut. Feel free to skim and apologies in advance for tangents. I hope it makes sense overall. I tried to make it as cohesive as possible despite being lengthy.

:: Beware the Word Vomit, overall reaching, meta, interpretations, some satosugu shipping, and general weaving and stringing of themes. ::

Disclaimer: I’m fully aware I may be wrong, as I am with many things, and you’re welcome to drop me any comments or thoughts.

One of the glaring issues was the “Sukuna glazing” as some fans called it. To see Gojo having regard for Sukuna’s strength doesn’t take anything away from Gojo imho, but I get it. What was all this reaching that Gojo was expressing? Surely that doesn’t that precedence? Of all things, is this what he’s regretting in what is possibly his last significant scene in the manga?

A part of me relates to this outrage, but then I try to bring myself down, because we are often kept out of what intimacies are exchanged between Gojo and significant ones (Geto, students, etc.) and we aren’t / haven’t been privy to many deep and elaborate reflections of Gojo or Geto. All we get are ellipses “...” and depictions of longing stares that don’t quite betray their honest thoughts.

So, within the context of the above, Geto asks directly and Gojo describes. Of course he’d want to know how Gojo experienced it. He’s always been the one who cared about how Gojo actually feels or experiences things. He might join in a bit of friendly ribbing, but Geto and Gojo communicate on another level with banter, etc. there’s a reason they’re each other’s best friend.

I also see an interpretation where it cycles back to love is the most twisted curse: it can save people, but it may hold you back from being the strongest. Love has been a theme since the origin story in jjk 0. Gojo’s love for his students and Megumi may or may not have affected their chances of success, but he nevertheless cares and bets on the future (students).

Geto has always been shown to be Gojo’s significant person - a safe person, if you will. Thematically, their designs are two parts of a whole. Their fates intertwine in so many ways, only to be separated ultimately to death.

Since, he’s described not feeling lonely anymore, through love for this students (his legacy and will) and even more now (for himself) that he was wrong about dying alone. He had wanted to find a way to bring Geto home (to jujutsu high [Geto’s theme song “come back home” given by Gege is all about this after all]) but despite all that’s happened, he is with him at the airport, and Gojo is satisfied enough with that, but won’t waste time not bridging gaps any longer -

Gojo is so very forthcoming with Geto in his adult years. Given the opportunity in jjk 0, he not only asks for his last wishes, but conveys his as well. He then speaks his heart in his conversation with Geto; he is candid, yet serious.

I’d like to think it’s infused with more emotion than he ever did in their early days. He confirms his feelings to Geto and confesses his desire to have had him there to send him off. More on this later.

In the original version of the manga, Gojo momentarily reverts back to the use of “ore” just once, before it becomes “boku” again - a shift had taken place in him due to what Geto said in the past. To demonstrate that in a few short panels is quite something too. People change; we evolve through the influence of significant others.

Gojo knows loneliness as he has learnt about love in its different forms. To really know it is perchance what Sukuna doesn’t, despite saying he does.

From this point of view, he says he is sorry for him, as he’s got empathy for Sukuna; that Sukuna couldn’t learn what he had wanted to convey, but perhaps the emphasis was more of a pity for him than feeling disappointed.

In a typical Gojo fashion, he captures it clumsily and makes it about strength in his speech, as if punches and skills thrown at each other could convey that it doesn’t have to be lonely and that they could understand each other - that having a peer would be interesting / satisfying - perhaps also seeking a sense of validation himself in Sukuna. It’s possibly also what prompts people like Nanami to call him out on the extreme emphasis on strength. But maybe that’s Gojo’s defence mechanism too, who knows. If Gojo had a love language, would it be fighting talk? Ha ha.

This reminds me of how Gojo was perhaps unintentionally condescending to Geto at the KFC breakup scene - it was the final nail in the coffin for Geto and he shut down completely, remarking the now infamous, “Are you Gojo Satoru because you’re the strongest or are you the strongest because you are Gojo Satoru?” But that’s by the by I guess. It wasn’t as if Sukuna was going in for therapy / love intervention with anyone, lol. Fighting was the conversation.

So moving on, what is Sukuna’s perspective and what could it be that Gojo wanted to convey, and presumably died trying? Looking at the next fight, he is asked directly about his perspective as the strongest in history who stands above the rest.

Sukuna. The pinnacle; the epitome of strength, solitude, and one who has cast away everything - seemingly peacefully - in favour of being formidable at the top. Revered and feared in equal measure.

He is so strong yet he doesn’t need anything the others facing off with him seem to yearn. The all want to reach him for their own reasons. Maybe like disciples chasing the Buddha. What is his message? Can I understand him, and he, me? And then, ourselves?

This fight was supposedly for himself too - but what was he yearning? Gojo at first glance appears to wish to defend himself, everyone, and save megumi. Mourn Geto too. From what we understand, he's been lonely, despite this improving over the past year (through his admission to Geto later on in the airport scene).

The mark of The Strongest has been left: As soon as Gojo became strong, Geto left. Geto didn’t love him for his strength - he had to leave; in part, because feeling out of place and left behind in the a shadow of a person who is now living by “the strongest, alone” hurt, making the ills of the world unbearable, as it tipped the balance greatly for him. He could not see beyond Gojo’s apparent selfless selfishness, and he did the same with his own version of it. He had to pave his own way and build another family & world - even if it was a shell of what he had with Gojo.

But I digress. Gojo had strength but it wasn’t enough to reach Geto. He has been using his Strength as a teacher to foster a new generation, allies, in a bid to change the Jujutsu world in a different way to Geto. Yes, they shared a dream. (I hope this comes back into the picture with Geto's side fighting Sukuna too.)

He sees this curse taking shape - first with Yuji and then Megumi. I can’t imagine the outrage, and how it’s internalised by Gojo. He possibly dissociates to some degree, as one wouldn’t be able to function if they carried the weight of the world (in information and in sensation overload) all the time. He’s trained himself to be selective. So, nevertheless, there is a call to defend his title; he is also bored, wants to be a good example, and plays his part to assist with defeating Sukuna - tries to reach him but maybe it just wasn’t his message to relay. Gojo’s job was done here. He got what he wanted - a satisfying fight. More on this later.

We see the futility this far in reaching Sukuna across chapters. Responding to “love”… Harming those along the way carelessly, as he wanders simply proving his existence, as if that alone is enough to justify and bring it purpose. As a calamity or curse, he doesn’t need to consider what he is.

This is the extreme of what strength is - of what Gojo could have become. Perhaps if he wasn't so deeply touched by having someone complete him, so he could be a brat in his youth and actually trust someone to fall back on. And had he not suffered loss through Geto leaving, would've meant he never had to question himself or experience doubt or longing in his life, as he was gifted, was he not? Or was it actually a curse?

Is it meaningful to be the only one at the top of the mountain where nobody can even reach? What good does the embodiment of strength bring, if there is nobody to recognise that it is, no one to yield the power for to give it meaning, and no use for the sheer magnitude of what you can do to give it purpose?

Sukuna says he knows love and cast it away, finding it worthless, that he responds to others’ strength with love through besting them in a fight. He gets his “kicks” like Gojo did to some degree like in the theme song for Gojo by Aviccii:

(Oh, my, my) That's what I get for lovin' you

(Lie, lie, lie) You know I can't live without you

(Why, why, why?) And all the things you put me through

(Cry, cry, cry) 'Cause I'll get my kicks without you

Life must be pretty monochromatic as The Strongest. Rinse repeat until no one is left.

Following the loss of love, Gojo tried to find meaning and pass the time in ways befitting of him too. Everyone has to find a way to move on, right? But it doesn’t mean everyone feels fulfilled or healed. He drilled skills into his tempered body throughout the years of his existence; he wanted to showcase it all to Sukuna - the reason he fought and battled and trained and developed his incredible sense - his spirit that does so for himself (yes he does get kicks from it) but also for others - because Gojo is an evolved form of The Strongest. Maybe The Strongest 2.0 and Yuta is version 3.0. You get my drift.

Gojo is representing the sorcerers of the modern world. Whilst Gege likes to poke fun and say he is devoid of a personality; I’d say that isn’t it quite natural when your role in life has already been partially determined for you at birth? Further, as a “victim” of circumstance due to the setting, trauma and heavy reliance on Gojo to fulfil all sorcerer duties from a young age (esp after Geto left) can certainly leave you in a state of emotional arrested development.

To reiterate, Gojo, unlike Sukuna, DOES find meaning and purpose in his students. He wised up and found the sense in what he and Geto discussed, learning from the past and adopting certain philosophies that suited him.

But still, as the strongest, Gojo was lonely with the line drawn - as a human being (self/identity) hiding behind a living creature (of strength/facade); Gojo seemed to be saying through the blooming lotuses (flowers growing out of literal muddy waters - rich in religious and cultural sumbolism) that he loves everyone but despite that they couldn’t understand him, and him, them. This is the main interpretation that makes sense as Gojo is talking about himself, his allies (esp Megumi), even possibly Geto, but he is also talking about reaching Sukuna.

Considering the possible interpretations for who the lotuses symbolise... he less common one from my readings thus far would be Sukuna; but it kinda makes sense: Sukuna, who was born to unfavourable circumstances, and similar to Hakari who described the strong looking down at others as if they were dirt. And achieving so much like a rising from the ashes. We also see him glorified as the strongest of all time now.

And it reinforces the “unreachability” (made up a word here) and how it was an impossible task in the first place.

The message being: How can Gojo reach someone who does not want to be reached? This cycles back to what he said to Yaga when Geto left. He cannot save anyone who does not want to be saved by others.

If Sukuna was the lotus, and was a beautiful flower in strength that defied odds to bloom in the murky depths of dirt - he certainly isn’t pure as the flower symbolises, but he certainly is some kind of divinity. But I really don’t want to glorify Sukuna.

I prefer the interpretation of the lotus being Gojo or those around him, but narratively, it is simply possible he is describing several people’s parallels here with how solitude accompanies being strong. Sukuna is like the unreachable Enlightened One. Yet, he strangely doesn’t seem to have a solid sense of identity - there is no “I am the strongest” that Gojo embraces, not that this is anything to hinge one’s identity upon, as it is part of Gojo’s problem.

And yet this still brings us to what Gojo wanted to reach Sukuna with aside from a demonstration of his skills. Does Yuta have anything to add to this, as the next Gojo Satoru?

Yuta, if we can appeal to his character for parallels in messages, and if we can consider him The Strongest 3.0 asked Uro - don’t you have a lover or friends? Implying that if one fights so desperately for their own sake, it reaches a dead end fairly quickly. Just WHO are you fighting for, and doesn’t fighting for yourself get a little old after decades?

Even Toji (without his soul when ressurected) instinctively ended his rampage at the sight of what his reason for living was, his son, albeit he cared for Megumi in a very dodgy roundabout way, fearing his closeness would ruin / stain his son. I’m reminded here of how Geto’s body reacted to Gojo’s voice; momentarily seizing Kenjaku by the throat.

Somehow the bond between Gojo and Geto is marking its significance again, isn’t it? They all had reasons they fought for, and through the many evidences of these, we are allowed insight into recurring ones that may hold more significance than others. You know, like: my students are watching, let’s schedule it on the 24th of December.

These are important things to gojo, he is also showing Sukuna what he doesn’t have. He didn’t need to live like a cursed object for decades, etc and his significance doesn’t die when he does. Yes, a big part of Gojo had craved this “all out” but as he lives his life and engages in the battle, all the pieces of WHY, WHO, and WHAT he is wielding power for start to surface.

As the reader we are finding these Easter eggs along with him, because the narrator and Gojo don’t disclose this openly. Gojo has people modelling this for him throughout his short life, and he seems to be quick on the uptake, despite preaching about strength. Maybe he isn’t terribly aware, but he knows more than he lets on - Gojo had a persona.

We probably can say the same about the “I’d win” scene that pretty much foreshadowed his defeat. That kind of a Champion enters the ring without fighting talk?

The scene depicting him reflecting upon his first ever defeat showed him to be chasing a “high” of satisfaction from going all out and fulfilling the itch of Boredom and Loneliness that plagues the unimaginably strong. Pursuing and honing his skill, getting stronger and stronger, drew him further and further away from anything meaningful - ending up in a state where he never really gets the satisfying release he craves.

Like a runner who is only allowed to run at 5kmph for a short distance; an artist who isn’t able to paint their desired masterpiece; a singer whose voice can only whispered to an audience; the strongest weightlifter who can only utilise 20% of his max strength... How terribly dissatisfying.

How stifling it is to have such a limitation. And yes, his skill is limitless. How ironic indeed - the repression, the impotence strength imposes.

And while we are on skill/technique names, others have pointed out before - unlimited void? What a perfect description of what felt meaninglessness / existential emptiness is.

The underside of this however was how it also alluded to the possibility that he was going to experience another enlightenment - but of a final kind of his physical form. It implies he was tired from his isolation or that there was at least no remedy for it, and therefore his present sense of fulfilment was to engage in battle and enjoy it - although he recognised signs of defeat - it would be satisfying as he could go all out or die trying.

It would fulfill the purpose of his existence as The Strongest contender anyway. He, could be the victor, or the pawn, who plays his part in the universe. His reigning time as the champion needed to be defended with dignity anyway. It reminds me of his conversation with Megumi about death and being selfish.

I mean, that's just imbued with meaning there. A whole post needs to be dedicated to It, and I'm not the subject matter expert by a long mile. Gojo’s bottom line was that strength did define him; he was born with it.

Watching Megumi possibly minimise his worth and clip his wings without pursuing / living up to his potential may be a waste, as a person who inherited the skills that took their ancestors down. However, the selfish path may not be for everyone.

Other writers’ meta I’ve read seem to touch on this too - that Gojo unwittingly became a form of the old Jujutsu world himself due to being a product of it himself, but he did do his best by his students to inspire change. This, to me, speaks volumes about him entrusting them to live out their paths upon his passing - what could he do in death, anyway? He taught them the importance of accountability and his own version of the truth - that power and strength - living to your potential is certainly one way of living, and they can expect to die alone, so make the most of their youth!

We witnessed Gojo making preparations for the match, following setting the date on 24th December. How romantic of Geto, to try and either seek Rika in jjk 0 or die to Gojo’s hand - and then now, Gojo, who may mourn Geto again, or die trying on the same day. It begs the question: was he also secretly at peace with the possibility of dying to Sukuna? At not being the strongest? It seems that him being a pragmatist (or “resignation man” as Gege apparently once put it) he would find some peace, especially since he was Geto in the afterlife and could see that his soul wasn’t trapped in his physical body or something - their corpses could be left to the living and Shoko, which seems to be the faithful stance they both take in trusting the living to “carry on” their respective teachings.

Nevertheless, Gojo is trying to reach Megumi here. But as the incredibly gifted, talented, and strongest - albeit as cursed as it is to be afflicted with it all, Gojo may not empathise with the struggles of the weaker. It is reminiscent of how he approaches the battle with Sukuna in the first place. He was challenged and he accepted.

A sport. That's not to say he lost sight of the bigger picture - we saw Gojo making preparations for a possible reality where he does not return.

Unfortunately, his skills also lend towards fighting alone, unless they were back-to-back with him. (I still hold onto the belief he and Geto could be a dynamic duo). Which Sukuna also used against him in their match in order to not get hit. Gojo has never learnt what it would be like to fight with others and it's old-fashioned egoist rules about matches when viewing it as a sport rather than of survival. But, Gojo had changed enough to feel he could reach Sukuna and had desired to impart something - maybe to have significance or be regarded by an equal - once again - for this would be of utmost satisfaction for him to receive.

He had learnt a whole lot about things in his short life. He did well. In a final battle of 3 vs 1? Against Sukuna in the body of Megumi and the 10 shadows that his ancestors had died to? That’s already unprecedented. But strength aside, Gojo had reached many people and it’s time for him to pass on the baton and be where he wants to be, in the version of himself where he is the happiest.

Gojo admits to being wrong about dying alone, further listening to how Nanami and Haibara reflected on the former's death betting on the future seemed to solidify some kind of understanding for him.

That he didn’t have regrets either. He, too, fought for a purpose beyond seeing satisfaction of being strong; it just became evident as it surfaced to his awareness. With his six eyes, he couldn’t see everything. With limitless, he couldn’t reach it all either. Even if you have everything, you can’t do anything. It is not enough to just be strong. And Gojo wasn’t just strong in the end.

He may or may not have reached Sukuna, but maybe, just maybe, in being wrong about dying alone, the necessity for everyone to be both selfless and selfish, was enough for Gojo. To reach and arrive at: Acceptance.

Seems pretty good to me, to be at peace.

—

“The absolute strongest, the loneliness that follows, the one who will teach you about love is... “

Yorozu’s haunting words.

Gojo is not the strongest anymore

Gojo didn’t feel lonely anymore

The one who will teach has taught him about love is...

You, Geto Suguru. It started with you, and it ends with you.

—

Yes, sound the alarm! It's satosugu brainrot headcanon.

Gojo seems to be saying, and I’ll phrase this as if he were speaking to Geto in his mind’s voice:

Yes, I was undeniably the strongest; until I wasn't. It was a fun fight. My students are my legacy; I trust them to take it from here too. They know they have the permission to be selfish. I trust that they have their own wisdom to know the difference; it is up to them now. I did my best to change the world that let us down in our youth; and fostered and shielded those under my care as best as I could with what I had. I think they had some good memories; I sought to give them a flavour of what we had, preserving the treasure that it was for us. I was never the teacher type, but I wanted to do something and clung onto a dream you and I shared.

I responded to others who loved me and surrounded me for my strength (living creature); but for me as a human, I am undeniably greedy and longed, pined for you (the only one who saw me: Satoru). You held the space as my one and only. I let you go back then in Shinjuku, and couldn’t let your body go when you died, and you came back as a puppet... I didn’t get to mourn you, but here we are: dying on the same date a year apart. Others still don’t quite get me (like Nanami and Haibara) but they understand the creature that is a part of me. They accept me; in itself, it’s enough, for a part of it is true.

As for the rest of me: you complete me with your understanding of me; parts of me that I don’t see or have forgotten. Just as unchanging as it was before, I’ve only ever needed you to satisfy me (and ease my solitude) ; no matter who filled the space around me, your absence spoke the loudest, because your presence alone would have been the most profound - I’d have felt satisfied / complete.

And yes, I am 100% romanticising here. Unashamedly!

—

A more pragmatic take would be:

He could be quite simply implying that he carried a guilt for the longest time and the one thing he couldn't achieve was to bring his best friend back home to Jujutsu High. I mean I adore Teacher AU and I'm totally open to this more shonen interpretation too.

The finale was as he entered the other land, in a dreamlike state, he sees Geto, remembers he’s tasked Shoko to tell Megumi, demonstrating he has infinite faith in the next generation to survive, and it’s sufficient, it seems, to have a death without regret.

We see Sukuna offering recognition of his skill and existence after he is slashed, laying on the floor, as it begins to snow. A small smirk appears that seems to also mirror the same on his expression in the cover of volume 26. Satisfaction. Gojo might’ve been a worthy opponent and reached Sukuna in that regard after all; maybe love was not his lesson to teach Sukuna. He has died a noble death befitting of a warrior to be surrounded by camellias.

Gojo Satoru passes onto the afterlife and heads south.

—

It’s controversial somehow; it is both enough, and leaves me wanting more. Here’s to hoping it’s not the last of Gojo (or Geto).

Maybe I did just want to dream a little. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. My tapestries tend to get quite complicated, and I wouldn’t blame anyone if they bailed!

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badfictropes · 7 months

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Savior Complex in Teen Mom Danny Dp x Dc

(Warning: I enjoy these type of fics and prompts just expressing some of my frustrations about certain things. No hate towards anyone.)

So I want to start by saying I love mom Danny who is the mom of Dani and Dan if they are deaged or not and Vlad as Dani and Dan’s father but I find when people mix in dc they tend to make Danny into some poor abused thing that needs the big bad bats to save him and his children. Which in itself wouldn’t be such a bad thing but add in the Batfam stalking and manipulating Danny and it just irritates me.

In these stories Danny and his kids are on the run from Vlad usually or his parents and they end up in Gotham, good so far. Then they somehow catch the attention of the bats which is where I stop, to be fair at least half the time Danny or the kids get mixed up with a rouge or are revealed to be metas(or at least dc characters think so) which is its own prejudice I’ll come back to. So catching the bats attention; now I don’t mean to be insensitive but I would bet cash money that a mom(young in Danny’s case) on the run and hiding out with his kids from an abusive baby daddy is a dime a dozen in Gotham, I just can’t believe that teen pregnancy or young parents let along someone on the run from an abuser is all that unusual in a city like Gotham that the bats would have their attention and pity so utterly caught by Danny.

This is usually where Danny, Dani and Dan being mistaken for metas come in and like making the bats so suspicious and curious of Danny and his kids because the bats think they’re metas and might be dangerous just gives me prejudice. Like I refuse to believe there isn’t a population of metas in Gotham, so the bats intense interest in the Dannie’s is just annoying. So what comes after that is the Batfam stalking Danny both researching him CIA extensively and inserting themselves in his life and trying to manipulate answers out of him. Now we all know in the real world researching and investigating an abuse survivor and escapee like people write Danny being in this way would be a sure fire way of his abuser finding him and his kids but we’re not taking about the real world so we’ll ignore this, we’ll focus on the fact that it’s just creepy and invasive especially since Danny usually doesn’t even do anything criminal which is what the bats should be focused on, you know crime.

Inserting their way into Danny and his kids life is the real thing that bothers me. The bats just come off to me as being invasive and manipulative by forcing their presence and help on someone who didn’t ask for it and doesn’t want it when it’s offered. The bats are purposeful in inserting themselves in his life and not even just in costume but as civilians to, poor Danny who just wants to be left alone and raise his kids can’t escape them. The Bats seemingly unstoppable desire to know Danny secrets and past as if he’s not entitled to have things he wants to forget or doesn’t want anyone to know. Like I said Danny story in this trope is sadly not exactly unique especially when you take the ghost stuff out it, Danny being a young mom who got caught up with an older rich man who took advantage of him and left him running with two children is not something I see being an unsual story in a crime infested corrupted city like Gotham. So the Bats intense interest in Danny and his kids should freak him the fuck out especially when you add him trying to hide his ghostly secrets into it.

What I’m trying to say is we need Danny being freaked out and scared of the Bats who for some reason will not leave him and his kids alone. Like Danny just wants to live an ordinary life with his kids and the Bats keep inserting themselves into it trying to help someone that doesn’t want their help like they’re intitled to do it. Now I love the Batfam but we all know that getting involved with them and heroes in general is just asking for trouble to invaded your life and I feel like this Danny has had enough trouble for a life time. Write a Danny going past fear into annoyance and anger at more people ignoring his no and not staying out of his and his kids lives when Danny tells them too. And instead of Danny putting up with the Bats shit he just uses his ability to create portals to leave to another dimension or world or into the ghost zone or just move into another city quickly and unnoticed.

And I know things with Danny and the kids and Vlad aren’t the misunderstandings(which I love) the Bats think it is but even if it was that doesn’t excuse their behavior. If I was Danny who just escaped a bad situation with my kids I wouldn’t want any of the drama and potential trauma being involved with the Bats and other heroes could bring. And the way that people write no hero in DC seemingly knows the meaning of no I don’t need your help and no you don’t have to save me, doesn’t help my annoyance. The last thing an abuse survivor raising two kids needs is a group of wealthy powerful men trying to play captain save a ho. After all drawing the attention of the Bats will draw the attention of their rouges and that’s the last thing Danny and his kids need.

All in all I just don’t like the stalking, breaking and ignoring of boundaries, lies and manipulation the Bats employ all under the guise of trying to save Danny, Dani and Dan. And this isn’t me dissing any stories just me ranting about some of my problems with this aspect of my favorite DP AU(mom Danny, dad Vlad and kids Dani and Dan).

#dp x dc

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itsclydebitches · 7 months

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IT'S BEEN A DOOZY OF A DAY, FOLKS

Yeah I've got a couple asks about it lol. (Always a terrifying experience when you log onto tumblr and immediately wonder why your inbox blew up...)

Man, I don't even know how I'm feeling right now. We've spent so many months working on the semi-confident assumption that RWBY would be cancelled that on the one hand I can't feel very shocked about this. On the other hand there's definitely a wide-eyed part of my brain going, "Holy shit the 'RT is failing' theories finally came true O_O" I'm kinda devastated that a company that's been a part of my life for almost a decade (and for other fans far longer) is just up and gone, but simultaneously I don't care because what I loved about RT hasn't existed for some time now. We've already been dealing with that nostlgia for years, we just got a hell of a concentrated dose of it today. There's admittedly some level of vindication regarding those who've been pulling shit in the company for so long and empathy for those who were just getting by and are now suddenly out of a job. There's regret that (despite my tendency to fall VERY behind on projects. RIP I owe everyone in this fandom a massive apology) I'll probably never have an official end to my RWBY Recaps. And there's worry about how this will impact the fandom...

Yeah, not to jump on the pessimism train, but I feel like this is going to catapult some fans' misreadings into new territory. RWBY is now forever the show that was canonically unfinished and thus its perfection is assured. Think there are major issues in Volume 9 and earlier? Nah, that's setup for Volumes we just never got. Catch a contradition or other mistake? They would have explained that if they could. Any possible issues with the show if it gets picked up by someone else? Well, of course there are issues, RT isn't writing it! This was already a fandom where having accurate, nuanced discussions about the text was hard as hell... but it just got so much worse.

Honestly, I say let it go. If they're going to do anything I'd prefer a complete reboot/reworking so that this story might stand a chance. Airing new RWBY Volumes was already beating a dead horse. Resurrecting the horse to start beating it anew just feels ridiculous. Yes, I'm sad for those fans who wanted an official ending, but we've spent so much time waiting on RWBY, being worried about RWBY's future, and I personally have encounted so many shows lately whose finales soured my enjoyment that there's something reassuring in the combination of definitive ambuguity here: you know you're not getting an ending by RT, so just have fun imagining your own.

Overall, I feel like I've got to sit with this for a while, you know? I totally get why so many fans (partiuclarly RWDE fans) are celebrating and/or releasing a sigh of relief right now. I'm honestly surprised I haven't seen any crabs yet lol. But maybe it's just because I'm "old" my tumblr's standards, but there's something undeniably sad about losing that part of your fandom life. Or at least, losing what led to/represents that life. Getting introduced to RWBY by a friend, binging it for the first time, pulling new people in, finding like-minded friends here on tumblr, analyzing it for thousands of words, tracing its history and watching how radically it has changed... that's gone now. Not actually because RWBY still exists, as do my friends, and there's nothing stopping me from writing as much fic/meta as I want, but it still feels like someone closed a door on that part of my life. That's not wholly a bad thing given what RT has been lately, but I do think it'll take more than one post for me to unpack it all.

#RWDE #RWBY #mymetas

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melbatron5000 · 3 months

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Fangirling for personal improvement

My Good Omens hyperfixation has made me a better writer.

I did not expect that when I got hooked on the Ineffable Mystery and started digging for Clues.

I've been writing fiction for decades. I have five books out, seven if you count the side adventure novellas I wrote to entice people to my email list. I'm currently editing the sixth (eighth?).

I have a few deeply devoted fans. I have a handful of good reviews on my books.

I also have a full-time day job, because selling books ain't making me rich.

My goal has never been to be rich, it's been to make a living doing something I love. And I'm still not there yet. It's largely my own fault, there are things I could be doing, but I'm too scared of rejection to do them. I've been working on that fear of rejection, but it's been a bit of a roller coaster of feeling better and then feeling worse and scared again.

As part of my attempt to feel better, I decided to re-edit my very first book and re-release it. I'm indie, so I can do that.

Everyone always asks for the first book, and I've learned a lot as a writer since I put it out, so it's not necessarily my best foot forward. Several people have told me to let that go and write another book, but when I'm selling, shoppers are never interested in the newest book (unless they already read the first one), they want the first book. And if the first book doesn't catch them, they won't care about the newest book. So I want the first book to make the best impression it can.

My day job and self-esteem issues have made the editing process slow going. It's been over a year. (I'm also editing the sixth book on top of that, so I may be biting off more than I want to chew. But anyway.)

I took hyperfixating on Good Omens as a little bit of a mental break from grinding on my own stories. After I did that for a while, I figured it was time to get back to grinding.

Holy shit was it easier!

I had a sentence that I had re-written like, five times, trying to capture exactly what I wanted to say. When I came back to my hand-written edits, I saw immediately how to word the sentence to say what I wanted with the most punch. I also saw that in my efforts to correct some author tics, I had re-written some of my sentences to be more "correct" but lose their impact. I could see at a glance which ones needed a little tidying to take care of tics, which ones needed total re-writing, and which ones were good as they were, tics or not.

As I began working on edits again, I also started to feel more confident. I have a better way with words than I had given myself credit for. My characters are interesting. My stories have a deeper meaning. I have a clear-cut idea of what kind of author I want to be.

I had a moment of feeling like I want to make Neil Gaiman proud of me, and of course that's a wildly unrealistic thing to want, and I was feeling sort of defeated at how no matter if I ever have success or not I will always be too small a fish for him to ever notice me, and so will never make him proud. But watching him be so encouraging and lovely on Tumblr has been deeply vicariously uplifting to me. In the distant, good-will-towards-all-baby-writers way he has, Neil may never hear of me personally, but he is, in fact, proud of me nonetheless. This has meant more to me than I know how put into words.

This is all literally because of Good Omens.

I've always loved both Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. They are master-class writers, for sure. I've read everything by both of them, multiple times.

Reading and re-reading are not the same as hyperfixating, it turns out. It's not the same as reading meta-analyses of a master work and going, "Oh, I never saw that before, but it absolutely tracks!" It's not the same as seeing the same words or phrases repeated over and over by people who love them, and seeing why those phrases in particular have caught people's imaginations, the layers of meaning available in them. Reading and re-reading are not the same as dipping a toe into writing my own metas, using my own skills to break down an amazing story I love and examine its working parts and see how it ticks.

I'm not developing new skills that I didn't have before, I'm using the same skills I've gained over the years of trying to write good books. But I am using them in new ways, and maybe more importantly, I'm using them on a book that I love by two authors I really care about, rather than a book I don't like assigned by an instructor or chosen by someone writing a book on how to analyze writing. Being able to ask myself, "Why do I love this bit so much?" as opposed to "What's so brilliant about this book I've never read and never will?"

My confidence is so much higher than it has been in years, and it's holding steady. Every time I look at my own writing, I'm jazzed and pleased, rather than intimidated and concerned. I'm excited to start working on more stories. I'm excited to really give it a go to get them selling enough to make a living at it.

All because of Good Omens.

#good omens #good omens 2 #aziraphale #good omens is love #good omens thoughts #neil gaiman #terry pratchett #good omens book #ineffable fandom #good omens fandom #writing #writing process #writer stuff #writer

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kingofbodyrolls · 4 months

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My heart's Home (m) | pjm | twenty [epilogue]

🐴Chapter summary: It’s been over two years since you and Jimin’s wedding. Now, a journalist wants to interview you to ask you some questions about a story you’re apparently part of.

🐴Chapter title: Epilogue

🐴Pairings: jimin x reader (main), jungkook x reader (only happens once in the first chapter), jungkook x OC (jessi), namjoon x OC (jessi), yoongi x hoseok, namjoon x oc, seokjin x oc, taehyung x oc

🐴Characters: female reader (isn’t mentioned by name and no “y/n”), Jimin, Jungkook, Namjoon, Yoongi, Hoseok, Seokjin, Taehyung and four female original characters.

🐴Genre/AU: ranch!au, slice of life!au + smut, humor, fluff, slow burn and angst

🐴Rating: mature/explicit/R18 – this is mature/explicit content, so minors, please do not interact!

🐴Disclaimer: I do not own BTS or know them personally and this work of fiction is purely fictional and for entertainment purposes only. The actions and personalities described in the story do not reflect those of BTS— it’s just fiction. Also, if you would kindly read the tags/warnings before reading, that would be lovely: and if you don’t like whatever is described in the tags, just hit return and find something else to read. Thank you 🌸

🐴Chapter warnings: no much, it is pretty tame, the wildest thing is maybe the description of nursing a baby, so I would say it’s pretty tame + there is one ounce of violence (a slap). But also, mentions of pregnancy, car accident, fire, hurt and anger, but there’s also a lot of love 🥹

🐴Status: completed 🥳

🐴Word count: 7.4k

🐴Taglist: @kookswifesblog, @kiki-zb, @babejinnie, @ownthesunshine, @allie-is-a-panda, @glllhjh, @bergandysam, @13-manggaetteok, @jeonsbabygirlsworld, @antisocial-mochi267,

*tumblr isn’t letting me tag you! There could be a lot of reasons for that, check out this lovely post about it.

🐴Now playing 💿 “My Heart’s Home (Drover’s Run)” by Rebecca Lavelle. [Wanna listen to the serie’s playlist?]

🐴Author’s note: hi everyone!!! I’m back with the epilogue/Q&A and it’s been almost a month?? What, how are you guys doing? I hope you’re still excited to read the ending for these lovely characters. It’s filled with some catching up and some much needed answers and truths we’ve been waiting for. Sadly, there weren't as many people participating in the Q&A as I anticipated, but it’s okay— I guess you guys are busy, and that’s okay! I did go through some of your questions from the comments and wrote those in a questions, because there was some that I never really answered, or was being vague about, because I didn’t want to spoil certain things in the story 🤭 But thank you so much to those who participated, I means the world to me 😭💖 Before you read, I want to explain that I wrote this epilogue/Q&A differently like the rest— it reads as a normal chapter, so the questions are weaved into the story, and I inserted myself into the storyline 😂 It was fun, but I really hope that I didn’t make it too weird! It got a bit meta and fourth walling, but I hope it’s okay. It’s just for fun and giggles!! I really hope you enjoy it, please let me know if you did, and thank you so much for reading ✨

Also, I did not proofread this, just because I’m being a bit lazy and I really want to get this out, and write other things 🙂

It’s been cross posted to AO3 if you prefer to read there. Wanna see the book cover?

← previous | s.masterlist | m.masterlist |

“The eyes of a childSee a long long waySee the future see the pastThey see everything first and last I was that childWho rode these hillsIn my dreams I see the starsIn my dreams I always will Ride these hillsSee in the morningI’ll hear the rain on the shedBut other stars and other sunsets will hang above my headThere will be different places different peopleBut I’ll still be the same” ‘My Heart’s Home (Drover’s Run)’ by Rebecca Lavelle

Your gaze flits between the secure baby seat nestled within the sturdy confines of Jimin’s truck and the warm, loving and protective gaze of his deep brown eyes, lingering on both with a silent question hanging in the air, “Do you think she’s alright back there on her own?”

His expression softens the moment your eyes meet his, a gentle reassurance emanating from his gaze as he rounds the truck. “Yes, my love,” he murmurs tenderly. “Is she still sleeping?”

With a fluid motion, he swings open the door and slides into the driver’s seat, the familiar click of the key finding its place in the ignition. Yet, instead of bringing the engine to life, he pauses, a moment of quiet anticipation hanging in the air before the journey ahead.

“Yeah, sound asleep,” you reply, a soft smile gracing your lips, your voice a blend of affection and weariness, the result of minimal sleep but an abundance of love—the kind that fills every tired corner of your being.

You steal a glance at your baby girl, nestled in serene slumber, her cherubic cheeks a mirror image of Jimin’s, her eyelids dancing with the rhythm of her gentle breaths. In this tranquil moment, her chest rises and falls in perfect harmony, a testament to the peace that envelops her. Despite the occasional cries born of hunger or discomfort, in these quiet moments, she embodies pure innocence and unfathomable cuteness.

She’s just a tiny two-month-old bundle of joy, still finding her way in the world—it’s only natural for her to fuss now and then. You press a delicate kiss to her rosy apple cheeks, ensuring not to disturb her tranquil sleep, before gently closing the door with a soft click. As you circle around the truck, slipping into the passenger’s seat beside Jimin, you can’t help but feel a surge of gratitude for this precious moment of family serenity amidst the hustle of life.

As you settle into your seat, a sudden impulse draws you closer to your husband, leaning across the console to steal a swift yet tender kiss from his lips—it’s a simple gesture, but one that carries the weight of your affection in every fleeting moment. With the engine humming to life beneath his command, the truck eases out of the yard and onto the winding road that leads into the heart of the town.

Heading into town for an interview feels like stepping into a surreal dimension.

The journalist’s call left you bewildered, grappling with the bizarre realization that your seemingly ordinary life isn’t quite what it seems—that it’s woven into some larger narrative that others find intriguing. The initial confusion still lingers, grappling with the surreal notion that your existence, though deeply felt and real to you, is merely a tale spun for others’ consumption.The questions they want to ask blur the lines between reality and fiction, leaving you questioning the very fabric of your existence. It’s a puzzling journey, navigating the complexities of a life that feels real to you, even if it’s just a story to others.

A whirlwind of questions swirls through your mind, each one more perplexing than the last, yet here you are, navigating the familiar main road into town alongside your beloved husband and precious baby—all tangible, all undeniably real in your heart. The comfort of their presence grounds you amidst the confusion, their warmth and solidity reassuring in a world suddenly tinged with uncertainty. Even the sight of the familiar cars ahead and the fleeting reflections in Jimin’s trusty blue truck mirrors offer a sense of continuity, a reassuring thread weaving through the fabric of your reality.

As Jimin guides the car through the winding roads toward town, a gentle melody fills the air, wrapping around you like a comforting embrace. With your baby girl peacefully nestled in slumber, you lean back in your seat, surrendering to the soothing rhythm of the music. Closing your eyes, you allow the soft strains to lull you into a peaceful nap, trusting in Jimin's steady hands to carry you safely onward.

As consciousness slowly seeps back into your awareness, a gentle touch brushes against your cheek, coaxing your eyelids to flutter open. Blinking away the remnants of sleep, your gaze catches sight of a small trickle of drool escaping the corner of your mouth.

Rousing from your tranquil repose, a tender touch graces your cheek again, coaxing you gently from the depths of sleep. The soft warmth of your husband’s fingers brings you back to consciousness, accompanied by the endearing whisper of, “Wake up, beautiful.”

Despite the disheveled state of your appearance—drool tracing a path down your chin, eyes bloodshot from the relentless pursuit of precious sleep, and puffy lids resembling the aftermath of a surprise punch—his affectionate words infuse you with a warmth that transcends physical imperfections.

“I’m anything but,” you groan, the words heavy with self-deprecation, as you reach to unclasp your seatbelt, your gaze locking with Jimin’s comforting brown eyes, seeking solace in their warmth.

Cradling your face tenderly in his hands, Jimin’s touch is unwavering, disregarding the drool that lingers on his fingers as he gazes into your eyes, his own expression turning resolute. “To me, you’ll always be beautiful,” he asserts, his words carrying the weight of unwavering devotion. “Drool, puffy eyes, wild hair—it doesn’t matter. You’re perfect just as you are.”

A soft snort escapes you, but you can’t help but smile at his unwavering support. Lately, your self-doubt has been a relentless companion, haunting you with every imperfection and misstep. Yet, in this moment, Jimin’s earnest attempt to uplift you resonates deeply. Swallowing your protests, you offer him a gentle smile, a silent acknowledgment of his efforts. As he steps out of the truck to retrieve the baby seat, a sense of warmth fills the space between you, a silent promise of solidarity in navigating the complexities of parenthood together.

Stepping out of the car, you’re greeted by a heartwarming sight: a sea of familiar faces, friends, and family alike, their smiles beaming like beacons of love amidst the bustling parking lot. Waves of warmth wash over you as you take in the scene, their presence a comforting reminder of the support system that surrounds you on this journey called life.

Amidst the crowd, your gaze locks onto your sister, her once graceful stride now slightly altered by the burgeoning swell of her belly, a testament to the imminent arrival of new life. The closeness of her due date is palpable, casting a glow of anticipation around her. Beside her, Jungkook stands, his hands intertwined with those of their twin daughters, bubbling with youthful exuberance as they approach their second birthday. The scene before you is a vibrant tapestry of love, growth, and the boundless joy that comes with expanding family ties.

As you scan the parking lot, your eyes alight upon Ara and Tae, Soo-ah and Namjoon, Ha-rin and Jin, and Hobi and Yoongi, each couple intertwined in a tender embrace, hands clasped in a silent promise of solidarity. A smile tugs at your lips, a reflexive response to the infectious happiness radiating from your loved ones. The sight of their contentment ignites a warmth within your chest, a swell of love so profound it threatens to burst forth, filling every corner of your being with boundless joy.

With a sense of purpose, you swiftly retrieve your diaper bag, your steps falling in line behind Jimin and the rest of your beloved family as you make your way towards the imposing structure that houses the interview. The anticipation crackles in the air, mingling with the collective energy of your family, propelling you forward into the heart of the momentous occasion.

As you traverse the pristine white halls, the stark minimalism of the surroundings amplifies the gravity of the moment, each step echoing with a sense of purpose. Arriving in the expansive room bathed in soft light, your gaze sweeps across the array of neatly arranged couches and chairs, the anticipation building with every passing moment. Suddenly, your stomach clenches, and your grip on the diaper bag tightens involuntarily as you spot a familiar face across the room. A surge of conflicting emotions washes over you, your lips drawing into a tight frown as your eyes lock onto none other than Deiji.

Your mind races with a barrage of questions, each one more incredulous than the last. Why in the world is she here? How could she possibly be part of this interview too? Seated comfortably on the plush green velour chair, her demeanor exudes an air of calculated poise—her feet crossed neatly, her hair fashioned flawlessly into a high ponytail, every detail meticulously curated from her manicured nails to her impeccably applied makeup. The audacity of her composed smile, paired with her deliberate ignorance of your presence, sends a surge of indignation coursing through you. With a barely concealed scoff, you can’t help but brand her with the only label that seems fitting at this moment: a bona fide bitch.

Your attention shifts to the woman you presume to be the interviewer, her voluminous brown curls framing a face adorned with oversized golden glasses—a quirky yet endearing sight. With a welcoming gesture, she invites you to settle in and make yourself at home. Your eyes sweep over the table adorned with an assortment of beverages, from glasses of water to an array of sodas, teas, and coffee—an offering tailored to every preference. Nestling into the chair beside Jimin, your sleeping baby girl cradled safely nearby, you watch as Jimin delicately places the baby seat at your feet before reaching for a chilled glass of water, the cool condensation a refreshing relief against your fingertips.

As the rest of the gang settles into their seats, anticipation hangs heavy in the air, thick with a mixture of excitement and nervous energy. The woman with the oversized glasses offers a warm smile that barely conceals the flicker of apprehension dancing in her eyes. Your gaze drifts to the edges of her notebook, where her fingers fidget nervously, betraying the weight of the questions she undoubtedly holds within its pages.

“Hello, everyone! Thank you all for being here today. I’m absolutely thrilled to have you join us. My name is Lissa, and I’ll be guiding our conversation today. I’ve got a bunch of questions lined up that our readers are itching to hear your answers to. But first things first, how’s everyone doing? And just how long has it been since we saw you last?” Lissa’s voice rings out with genuine warmth, her smile radiant despite the subtle dance of nerves behind her glasses, which threaten to slide down her nose.

“We’re all doing good, thanks for asking,” you reply, a hint of playful skepticism lacing your words. “But as for ‘since we saw you last,’ well, that’s a bit of a puzzler. Our lives didn’t exactly wrap up neatly when your story did, you know?” The chorus of agreement from your companions echoes your sentiment, though a pointed scoff from Deiji punctuates the moment, serving as a stark reminder of lingering tensions.

“Oh, yeah. I get that,” Lissa says and you nod in understanding, observing the woman’s thoughtful pause as she considers her next words. Suddenly, a spark of realization ignites within her, and she bursts forth with newfound clarity. “Since the wedding between you and Jimin,” she announces, prompting a flood of memories to rush back as you mentally trace the timeline of events that have unfolded since that momentous occasion. The weight of time feels suddenly palpable as you ponder just how far you’ve journeyed since then.

“It’s hard to believe, but it’s been just over two incredible years,” your sister’s voice carries a soft undercurrent of awe, her smile radiating warmth as she lovingly caresses her burgeoning belly, a silent testament to the passage of time and the miracles it has wrought.

Lissa’s nod is accompanied by a soft, knowing smile that seems to acknowledge the weight of the question she’s about to pose. Her gaze sweeps over the group, each member holding a unique story within them, waiting to be unveiled. “So, what’s unfolded in your lives since then?” She inquires, her words carrying a sense of anticipation, as if she’s poised on the edge of a grand narrative waiting to unfurl.

As you cast your gaze over the familiar faces of your friends and family, a flood of memories washes over you, a tapestry woven with moments both poignant and joyous. The corners of your lips tug upward in a bittersweet smile, knowing all too well the magnitude of what has transpired since that pivotal day. “A lot has happened,” you begin, your voice laced with a mixture of nostalgia and excitement, “mainly good things—more weddings, new arrivals, and the beautiful chaos of growing families.”

“We tied the knot,” Yoongi interjects, a soft smile gracing his lips as he proudly displays his intertwined hands with Hoseok, the gleaming gold bands adorning their fingers catching the light in a dazzling display of commitment and love.

“It was just a small and intimate wedding,” Hoseok chimes in, his laughter dancing through the air like music, infusing the memory of their wedding day with an infectious warmth.

“Jessi and I had quite the surprise,” Jungkook shares, a chuckle escaping as he recalls the whirlwind of events. “Twins, out of the blue, and before we knew it, she was expecting again,” he adds, a sheepish grin accompanying the gesture of scratching the back of his head.

Jessi straightens, her eyes alight with a newfound excitement. “And this time,” she interjects, her voice brimming with anticipation, “we made sure to get an extra ultrasound. Just one baby this time, and he’s going to be a little boy.”

Their two daughters bounce around with infectious laughter, their giggles filling the room as they dart and weave around their father, vying for his attention with every playful leap and bound. Occasionally, they clamber over him, their small hands reaching out in a bid to capture his focus.

You can’t help but smile, reminiscing about the sheer shock and delight that washed over them when Jessi unexpectedly gave birth to twins. The incredulity of the situation still lingers, leaving you puzzled at how such a miraculous surprise could go unnoticed, even by the hospital staff.

“Seokjin and I,” Ha-rin begins to say with a playful wink, her eyes gleaming with pride as she shares their latest venture with the group. “We’ve taken the plunge into the culinary world—we’re running our very own catering business now,” she announces, the excitement palpable in her voice as she unveils their newest endeavor.

“We’re just enjoying each other’s company,” Namjoon remarks, his fingers intertwining with Soo-ah’s, eliciting a charming blush that paints her cheeks a delightful shade of pink.

“We’re also just taking it slow,” Taehyung chimes in, enfolding Ara in a tender embrace that speaks volumes of their affection.

“My life is good,” As Deiji’s words linger in the air, a heavy silence settles over the group, punctuated only by the soft rustle of shifting emotions. Your eyes narrow involuntarily at her assertion, a flicker of disdain tainting your expression. Memories of her past actions flood your mind, a reminder of the pain and manipulation she once inflicted on Jimin—and by extension, on you. Despite her attempt at casual indifference, the wounds she left behind still linger, a testament to the true depth of her betrayal and you don’t think you’ll be able to forget how much of a bitch she really is.

“That’s quite the journey. So much to unpack,” Lissa muses, her voice tinged with a blend of intrigue and anticipation. She pauses, allowing the weight of the moment to settle before continuing. “I’ve compiled a mix of questions from our readers and some of my own curiosities,” she explains, her gaze flicking down to her notepad briefly before lifting to meet your husband’s eyes with a subtle intensity.

“Jimin,” Lissa’s voice hangs in the air, drawn out slightly as if she’s grappling with the weight of the words inscribed on her paper. “One of our readers,” she continues, her tone delicately balanced between caution and curiosity, ��expresses concern about the challenges you’ve put your wife through. They’re wondering what steps you’re planning to take to make amends.”

You turn towards Jimin, the air thick with anticipation as his expression shifts, caught off guard by the weight of the question. His lips part slightly, a silent testament to the thoughts racing through his mind, while the room holds its breath, waiting for his response.

“Well,” Jimin begins, his voice carrying a weight of sincerity as he addresses the room, “I’m fully aware of the pain I’ve caused with my actions and the misunderstandings that ensued. Every day, I’m committed to improving myself, striving to be the husband she deserves. I make it a point to express my gratitude and admiration for her, knowing that it’s the least I can do.” A warm smile graces his lips as he reaches for your hand, drawing it gently across his thigh. The strength and warmth of his touch convey a depth of emotion, his grip tender yet resolute as he intertwines his fingers with yours, a silent vow of his unwavering dedication.

With a soft smile, you shift your gaze towards Lissa, a glimmer of understanding shining in your eyes. “That’s all in the past now,” you affirm, your tone brimming with assurance. “Jimin doesn’t need to prove his love to me—I’ve known it all along. I forgave him a long time ago because our love is stronger than any mistake. We’re focused on moving forward together, embracing the journey ahead to discover our true greatness as a couple.”

Deiji’s scoff cuts through the air, prompting an exasperated roll of your eyes. Once again, you find yourself questioning her presence—why exactly is she even here?

“That’s wonderful to hear. I think that’s important,” Lissa interjects, her voice filled with genuine warmth and sincerity. A sudden shimmer in her eyes catches your attention, like glistening dewdrops on petals at dawn, revealing a depth of emotion akin to that of a proud mother watching her children thrive.

“Now, I have a question that might tread into uncomfortable territory,” Lissa begins, her gaze momentarily locking with yours before she shifts her focus downward, her nervousness palpable as she anxiously nibbles on her bottom lip.

Lissa’s cheeks flush a deep shade of crimson, the color spreading to the tips of her ears as she bravely lifts her gaze, her question hanging in the air like an electric charge. “Which brother do you think is best in bed?” She blurts out, her voice carrying a mix of trepidation and curiosity.

Your throat tightens, a sudden rush of disbelief threatening to choke you as you struggle to process Lissa’s audacious question. With eyes wide as saucers, you find yourself grappling with the sheer incredulity of her inquiry—could someone truly be bold enough to pose such a personal query? And why would the readers want to know that?

A sense of discomfort settles over you like a heavy blanket, suffocating any inclination to respond. With both Jimin and Jungkook within earshot, not to mention the rest of the company, the last thing you want is to entertain such a personal inquiry.

“Jimin won’t be hurt when you confirm it’s me,” Jungkook boasts with a hint of swagger, his words dripping with playful confidence. However, his bravado is swiftly met with a sharp glare from your sister, her jab to his ribs serving as a silent warning against his overzealous assertion.

You anticipate Jimin’s tension, bracing for the subtle shift in his demeanor, but to your surprise, he remains remarkably at ease, a picture of calm beside you. His tranquility mirrors that of your sleeping baby girl, nestled contentedly in her seat beside you.

“If I’m being completely honest, it’s my husband, Jimin,” you admit, a sense of relief washing over you as the truth spills from your lips. The mere thought of anything beyond your bond with him feels inconceivable, a testament to the strength of your bond. With a soft chuckle, you give Jimin’s hand a reassuring squeeze, grateful for his unwavering presence by your side.

Lissa offers you a sympathetic smile, though her flustered expression betrays lingering nerves, hinting that the next question may be just as probing as the last.

“That leads me to the next question. What where you thinking when you fucked Jungkook?”

You release a heavy sigh, your eyes rolling in disbelief. “Is this really what people are curious about?” You wonder aloud, your voice tinged with a mix of incredulity and resignation.

Lissa’s nod carries a weight of understanding, her eyes reflecting a hint of apology, as if she empathizes with the discomfort of the question she’s posed.

“I suppose, in hindsight, I wasn’t thinking at all, which was undoubtedly part of the issue,” you concede, a tinge of regret coloring your words. “Honestly, I wish it never happened,” you confess, your frustration with the probing questions bubbling to the surface. Today was certainly not the day you anticipated having to justify your past mistakes.

“Hey, don’t go hurting my feelings now. Just admit I was the best,” Jungkook quips once more, his tone laced with playful banter. You sigh, a mixture of exasperation and amusement washing over you at his persistence.

“No, Kook, you weren’t the best,” you assert firmly, your words carrying a weight of finality. “This isn’t a competition, and frankly, I think you should be content with the fact that my sister holds you in such high regard and thinks you’re the best fuck. I’ve heard you on multiple occasions now, and that should tell you enough,” you continue, your frustration evident in your tone. “I’ve heard enough on this topic, and for me, Jimin surpasses any comparison.” A heavy sigh escapes your lips as you plead, “Can we please shift gears and explore some other lines of questioning?”

You tenderly reach down for your baby girl, a soft smile tugging at your lips as you realize she’s been peacefully sleeping in her seat for far too long. With gentle hands, you unfasten her belt and lift her into your embrace, cradling her against your chest. You adjust yourself slightly, reclining back to ensure she’s nestled comfortably against you, her tiny form finding solace against the warmth of your bosom.

“Um, I’m afraid there’s one more question,” Lissa interjects hesitantly, her voice tinged with nervousness as she glances down at her notes once more.

“Then let’s hear it,” your sister interjects, her tone firm and resolute, a hint of irritation seeping through as she echoes your own sentiment toward the relentless questioning.

“Jungkook, which sister is best in bed?” The room plunges into a sudden, heavy silence, amplifying Lissa’s timid voice to a jarring level.

Jungkook meets your gaze with a flicker of resolve. “I’m sorry if this hurts, but it’s my wife,” he confesses, his words carrying a weight of honesty amidst the tension in the room.

You chuckle softly, the sound carrying a hint of lightness amidst the heavy atmosphere. “You’re not hurting my feelings, Kook,” you assure him with a reassuring smile.

Jimin’s chuckle joins yours, a familiar reassurance in the midst of an uncomfortable moment. This topic, though fraught with history, is one you’ve all navigated together before. Yet, beneath the surface, a pang of regret lingers, a reminder of the choices made in the past. You can’t help but feel a twinge of sorrow for the choice made that night, for not giving Jimin the opportunity he deserved, and instead sleeping with his brother. But as you glance at him now, your soulmate by your side, you find solace in the knowledge that history led you to where you are today.

“Alright, my apologies. That concludes the line of inappropriate inquiries,” Lissa announces, redirecting her gaze back to you and Jimin. “On a lighter note, our readers are curious: How many kids do you envision having?”

Jimin’s smile widens as he intertwines his fingers with yours, a gesture filled with warmth and reassurance. The prospect of children has been a frequent topic of discussion since your wedding day, and now, with your first child in your arms, you feel a surge of fulfillment—a sense of readiness to embrace the journey of motherhood even more.

“We’re still figuring it out. But we’ve always talked about having more than one, haven’t we?” Jimin’s gaze meets yours, a soft glimmer of affection dancing in his eyes, mirroring the unspoken bond between you.

“Yeah, two sounds perfect. Although, who knows? Maybe even more,” you muse, a fond smile gracing your lips as you envision the possibility of a larger family. “Our daughter is an absolute delight, taking after Jimin in the most adorable ways. The thought of more little Jimin look-alikes running around fills my heart with such joy,” you share, your voice tinged with affection. You choose not to dwell on the exhaustion or the moments of self-doubt, knowing that with Jimin by your side, you’re capable of anything—and that includes expanding your family and embracing the journey of parenthood together.

As you feel your baby girl stirring, her delicate eyes fluttering open with a soft whimper, you instinctively gather her close, cradling her against your chest. Sensing her hunger, you gently lift your shirt and unhook your bra, offering her the nourishment she seeks. With practiced ease, you guide her to your breast, feeling her tiny mouth eagerly latch on as she finds comfort in the familiar warmth and sustenance. As she begins to nurse, her cries gradually subside, replaced by a sense of contentment and peace, her small form relaxing against you as she drinks in the nourishing embrace of you.

“Have you settled on a name for her yet? I’ve noticed you don’t refer to her by name,” Lissa inquires, her gaze meeting yours with a gentle warmth reflected in her soft smile.

“We’re still undecided. Right now, we’re torn between Haneul and Isuel,” you share, a laugh bubbling up from within you as you exchange a glance with Jimin. Your smile stretches wide, the joy of the moment evident in your expression.

“Both of those are absolutely beautiful choices,” Lissa remarks, her own smile widening in genuine admiration.

“What’s your stance on pets, do you want one? Are you more inclined towards cats or dogs?” Lissa inquires, settling back into her chair with a newfound ease. Her earlier nervousness seems to dissipate, replaced by a sense of confidence that infuses her voice with a newfound steadiness.

“We’ve actually been frequenting the local animal shelter lately, eyeing some of the pups,” Jimin shares, his voice carrying a hint of excitement.

“But just one dog will do,” you interject with a chuckle, a fondness evident in your tone. You know Jimin’s affinity for dogs all too well—if it were solely up to him, your home would resemble a bustling kennel alongside a lively soccer team of children.

“Yeah, there’s this golden retriever at the shelter. We’ve got our hearts set on adopting him,” Jimin announces proudly, his gaze alternating between you and your baby still nestled against you.

“Saja, that’s his name. I just know he’ll be the perfect addition to our family,” you chime in, your voice brimming with affection as you steal a glance at your husband once more. There’s an undeniable warmth in your gaze, a testament to the endless love you hold for him.

“That’s intriguing. I’m nearing the end of my inquiries. This one’s directed at Taehyung,” Lissa announces, her gaze shifting towards Taehyung who appears taken aback, clearly not anticipating any questions directed his way today. “Our readers are curious about your activities during your initial visit to Bell Ranch—the one that unfortunately resulted in Jessi’s accident,” she explains, her tone gentle yet probing.

As Taehyung gulps audibly, the weight of the past looms heavy in the air, a stark reminder that despite the passage of years, the wounds from that incident remain tender for everyone involved.

Taehyung’s hand instinctively rises to scratch the back of his head, his gaze dropping to the floor below in a display of nervous tension.

“That was right after my father fell ill, and I discovered he wasn’t my biological father,” Taehyung begins, his voice tinged with a mixture of vulnerability and remorse. “I drove out here to see my half-brothers—I never imagined it could be true. Having brothers, another family I never knew existed. It’s been quite the journey. Challenging at first, but everyone has been incredibly welcoming, and now, I truly feel like a part of this family,” he explains, his words carrying the weight of sincerity. “I still carry deep regret for causing the accident, Jessi. It was never my intention. I was consumed by nerves and anger, a dangerous combination behind the wheel. I’m truly sorry.”

Lissa and everyone else nods.

“I drove up to the ranch and spotted both Jungkook and Jimin hard at work, but fear held me back from saying a word. I left, like a coward,” Taehyung admits, his voice tinged with regret as he recounts the memory. “For months, I wrestled with the daunting task of revealing myself, gathering the courage to step into a world I never knew existed. I had a hunch they were unaware of my existence too,” he adds, his smile carrying a bittersweet tinge of longing and acceptance.

“Thanks, Tae. But you know, we’re past that now,” your sister reassures him with a warm smile, her words carrying a gentle reminder that their past grievances have long been resolved.

Lissa’s smile softens into one of fondness. “I have two final questions that’s been burning on our readers’ minds,” she says, her tone hinting at the anticipation of unveiling something intriguing.

All eyes shift expectantly toward Lissa, the air thick with curiosity. With your baby girl finished feeding, you carefully adjust your shirt and lift her to your shoulder, patting her back to coax out the remaining burps. As she emits soft little sounds, you join the others in eagerly awaiting Lissa’s final question, a sense of anticipation hanging palpably in the air.

Lissa’s gaze flicks toward Deiji, a subtle shift that catches your attention, leaving you puzzled as to the sudden focus on her. With a quizzical expression, you arch an eyebrow, silently questioning the reason behind this unexpected gesture.

“Deiji, you misled us about the baby, claiming it was Jimin’s. Can you shed light on why?” Lissa’s tone holds a firmness that demands clarity.

Deiji’s head shakes firmly.

“I’d rather not say.” Her refusal carries an air of guarded secrecy, adding to the tension in the room.

Your blood churns with a mixture of anger and exhaustion. The truth seems elusive, buried beneath layers of deceit and manipulation. At this point, you’re past caring about her reasons; all that matters is the weight of her deception, pressing down on your patience like an unbearable burden.

Lissa’s voice cuts through the air with a sharp edge, commanding attention and respect. “You don’t get to evade this,” she asserts, her tone leaving no room for argument.

Deiji’s demeanor shifts, her body language a defensive barrier against the intensity of the moment, her arms wrapping around herself as if to shield against the barrage of questions and accusations.

“Fine,” she hisses, the word escaping through clenched teeth like a snake’s warning, her frustration evident in the sharpness of her tone and the subtle grit of her teeth.

“I was cheating on Jimin with my ex,” she confesses, her words dripping with shame and regret, each syllable heavier than the last. “He got me pregnant, and I knew Jimin wanted to start a family. But my ex... he’s not exactly father material,” she admits, her voice steady yet laden with the weight of her past mistakes.

“But why lie? Why not just tell the truth?” Jimin’s voice cuts through the tension, his tone laced with disbelief and hurt. His jaw clenches, knuckles white with the force of his grip.

Deiji scoffs, her breath heavy with frustration. “And what? Confess that I was cheating on you?” She shakes her head, her tone tinged with defiance. “Would you have wanted a child that wasn’t yours?”

Jimin rolls his eyes, a subtle gesture belied by the storm in his gaze. Despite the passage of years, the wounds of deception still sting as freshly as if inflicted yesterday. You understand his sentiment well: Jimin’s desire for involvement stemmed from a sense of duty and biological connection. Had Deiji been forthright from the beginning, he likely would have distanced himself from the child, especially considering their breakup and his commitment to you.

“It was easy. And I saw how you looked at her,” she points to you, her accusation slicing through the air like a dagger, “I knew you wanted her, bad. She took you from me. Coming back and announcing the baby, I knew I had you wrapped around my finger. I knew you’d choose a family, because you crave it so much. I hoped it would pull you away from her, and in the end, it did. But then you had to go back to each other again, so sickening.”

Jimin gapes, and so do you. You’re left speechless, grappling with the audacity of her words. You knew she lied out of jealousy, but to stoop so low— it’s beyond comprehension. God, you really despise this woman.

Lissa’s voice cuts through the air like a blade, her gaze fixed intently on Deiji again, her expression serious and unyielding. “Is this why you started the fire at Bora Ranch?” She demands, the weight of her words hanging heavily in the tense silence that follows.

A heavy silence descends upon the room once more, amplifying the tension as all eyes remain fixed on Deiji, who squirms uncomfortably under the scrutiny. Your brows furrow in concern as you observe her growing unease, noting the absence of any denial in her response. A sense of foreboding creeps over you as her fidgeting and nervous perspiration betray an unsettling truth: guilt hangs palpably in the air, casting a shadow over the room.

Deiji’s gaze averts, seeking refuge from the intensity of the scrutiny bearing down upon her. In this vulnerable moment, her once formidable demeanor begins to falter, unraveling before your eyes. The weight of accusatory stares renders her diminutive and fragile, a stark contrast to her usual air of confidence and strength.

“So?” Lissa’s voice cuts through the heavy silence once more, her tone firm and resolute, leaving no room for evasion or avoidance. With a piercing gaze, she awaits Deiji’s response, her expectation palpable in the charged atmosphere of the room.

As the seconds tick by stretching into minutes, each one laden with unspoken tension, Deiji’s continued silence becomes increasingly conspicuous. With each passing moment, the weight of uncertainty grows heavier, casting a shadow of doubt over the room. Your mind races, grappling with the unsettling realization that perhaps your suspicions were warranted all along. The absence of a denial speaks volumes, echoing your darkest fears with haunting clarity. You never wanted to entertain the possibility that Deiji could be capable of such an act, yet the chilling reality dawns upon you: people can harbor unfathomable depths, their actions often defying comprehension.

The seconds drag on, and a simmering anger begins to bubble within you, its intensity mirrored in the heightened tension radiating throughout the room. Each passing moment feels like an eternity, the palpable weight of unspoken truths hanging heavy in the air. You sense the collective unease of those around you, their alertness a silent acknowledgment of the gravity of the situation. The once-airy atmosphere now feels suffocatingly dense, pressing down upon you like a heavy shroud. It becomes increasingly difficult to draw a full breath, as if the admission of truth from Deiji has robbed the room of its oxygen.

“Just tell the truth, dammit!” Jimin’s voice cuts through the tension like a thunderclap, his frustration palpable in the rigid set of his jaw and the clenched fists at his sides.

His sudden outburst startles you, your heart racing as you instinctively check if it has disturbed your sleeping baby. Thankfully, she remains undisturbed, cradled in peaceful slumber.

“I…” Deiji’s voice wavers, her expression a tumult of emotions—shame, guilt, and a flicker of disappointment, etched vividly across her features.

“I did,” she finally confesses, her voice barely above a whisper, shattering the silence like glass.

You rise from your seat, gently passing your baby girl into Jimin's waiting arms. With a sense of purpose, you approach Deiji, once a formidable presence, now visibly diminished in her chair.

Your blood is boiling, rage surging through your veins like a torrential river, and the world blurs into shades of red.

Standing before Deiji, she gazes at you with pleading eyes, as if begging for absolution. But forgiveness is a distant echo in your mind, drowned out by the roar of fury. Without conscious thought, your arm swings wide, propelled by an instinctual force, and your palm connects with the tender flesh of her cheek. The resounding crack of the slap is so fucking loud it reverberates through the room, jolting you into the stark realization that it was your hand delivering the blow.

Your hand throbs with the heat of the impact, a fiery reminder of the force unleashed.

Deiji’s silent tears blur the air, her trembling hand tenderly grazing the fiery red imprint on her cheek. Ordinarily, violence is an alien language to your spirit, but in the presence of this woman, it’s as if your very essence is twisted into a dark, unrecognizable form.

Yet, amidst the turmoil, there’s a raw truth: you feel no remorse for the eruption of fury that crossed the boundary into violence.

“You fucking bitch! How dare you do that! First, you rip Jimin’s heart to shreds with your deceitful, conniving ways. Then, you have the audacity to torch my home?!” The words tear from your throat, a primal scream echoing through the room, stirring the air like a tempest. Behind you, the scrape of chairs signals the tense energy of your friends and family, witnesses to your unleashed wrath. With eyes ablaze, you fixate on Deiji, your voice a snarl, a wild beast ready to pounce. You want her to feel your pain, to taste the bitterness that consumed you in those dark hours.

As you seethe with anger, ready to unleash another torrent of fury upon Deiji, a pair of firm, reassuring arms envelop you.

Instinctively, you lean into the embrace, finding solace in the strength of Jungkook and Yoongi. Their presence is a grounding force amidst the storm raging within you, a reminder that you’re not alone in this tempest of emotions. With their silent support, you draw a steadying breath, the heat of your rage tempered by their calming presence.

As your pulse thrums with the remnants of anger, Yoongi’s voice cuts through the tempest, a calm amidst the chaos, “She’s not worth it.” His words, though soft, carry a weight of wisdom, a reminder that your fury, however justified, only serves to empower the very source of your pain. With a gentle yet firm grip on your arm, he silently implores you to find solace in restraint, to withhold the tempest brewing within. In his touch, there’s a silent reassurance, a shared understanding that some battles are won not through violence, but through the resilience of spirit.

“She’ll get what’s coming to her,” Jungkook’s voice cuts through the tension like a blade, his tone harboring a quiet determination. With a shake of his head, he offers a silent vow, a promise that justice will find its way to Deiji, no matter the winding path it takes. In his words, there’s a resolve, an unwavering belief that the scales of fate will tip in favor of righteousness, even amidst the chaos of betrayal.

You shift your gaze to Jimin, who remains seated with your baby, his expression a mix of concern and unwavering support. His calm demeanor provides a stable anchor amidst the storm brewing within you. Meanwhile, your sister’s fury is palpable, evident in the set of her jaw and the intensity of her focus on her twins, corralling their energy in the bustling room.

“I’ve called the police,” Lissa declares, rising from her seat with purpose, her steps deliberate as she strides towards Deiji, her demeanor a blend of resolve and determination.

“I’m really disappointed in you, why would you even do such a thing? That’s so horrible.”

Tears continue to cascade down Deiji’s cheeks, her sobs echoing in the tense silence of the room, her once-fierce demeanor now shattered like glass. “I was consumed by jealousy, alright?” She confesses through choked breaths, her gaze shifting towards Jimin. “You have everything, and I despise both of you for it. I wanted her to feel the pain you inflicted on me, Jimin.”

Jimin’s breath catches in his throat, the weight of Deiji’s words hitting him like a wrecking ball. He carries the burden of knowing he inflicted deep wounds upon her, using her as a pawn in a twisted game of revenge against you. It’s a bitter truth he’s forced to swallow, a regret that gnaws at him relentlessly. If only he could rewrite the past, erase the pain he caused, he would never have entangled himself with Deiji in the first place.

“You hope you rot in prison,” you utter, your voice slicing through the air like a blade, cold and unyielding, the words heavy with the weight of betrayal and fury. With Yoongi and Jungkook guiding you back to your seat, you struggle to quell the tempest raging within you, fighting to regain control amidst the tumult of emotions.

You draw in slow, deliberate breaths, first through your nose, then out through your mouth, a rhythmical dance of inhales and exhales in a bid to rein in the storm raging within your chest. With each expulsion of air, you feel the seething anger gradually ebb away, replaced by a sense of calm determination settling over you like a comforting shroud.

Time seems to stand still in the aftermath of the revelation, an eerie silence wrapping around the room like a heavy blanket. The weight of what has transpired hangs in the air, palpable and stifling, leaving everyone in a stunned stupor. Then, with a jolt, the doors burst open, and two uniformed police officers stride in, their presence a stark reminder of the gravity of the situation. Without a word, they approach Deiji, escorting her away, her departure marking the end of a tumultuous chapter and the beginning of a new one.

As you witness her being led away, an unexpected sense of liberation washes over you, as if a weight you didn’t even realize you were carrying has suddenly been lifted. It’s a curious sensation, almost buoyant, as if the air around you has become easier to breathe. A fleeting but unmistakable feeling of relief floods your chest, and you can’t help but feel strangely lighter, as if the darkness that once loomed over you has finally begun to dissipate.

“I’m deeply sorry. I knew all along that she set fire to your place, but as the writer, my hands were tied. I couldn’t reveal the truth to you. But please know, I’m truly sorry for what she did to you,” Lissa’s voice trembles with remorse, her face etched with genuine regret. She extends her arms, enveloping you in a warm, reassuring hug, her hands gently patting your back in a gesture of solace and understanding.

“I’ve wanted to tell you countless times,” she whispers, tears streaming down her face like silent rivers of regret.

“I get it. It wasn’t part of my narrative and story until now,” you reply, a bittersweet smile tugging at your lips as tears blur your vision. You notice the collective emotional weight shared by everyone in the room.

“Thank you so much for creating me and bringing me to life,” you say, your voice thick with gratitude, as tears blur your vision, lending a poignant weight to your words.

Lissa shakes her head against your shoulder, her voice muffled by emotion. “No, thank you for letting me create you. You’ve been my canvas, a safe space where I could pour out my feelings—sadness, anger, pain, and happiness. Truly, thank you.”

You all embrace each other one last time, tears mingling with laughter, a symphony of emotions filling the room. It’s a beautiful, bittersweet moment, etched into your hearts as a testament to the bonds you’ve forged and the journey you’ve undertaken together. This moment, and all the ones before, you know, are truly special.

How are you feeling? 🥹 Yes, I’m crying. I hope this Q&A wasn’t too weird! If you still have some question, or didn’t get to participate in the Q&A when it was live, you are also more than welcome to send in an ask with questions for the characters— they will still reply in an ask 🙂

Thank you so much for reading this story and series, I know it’s massive. These characters are like my babies, they are very special to me, and I feel sad that the story is over. But I’m so happy with what I’ve achieve, and truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for reading and for commenting ✨

#jimin x reader #jimin smut #jimin fanfic #bts smut #bts fanfic #bts x reader #my heart's home series #reader: female #au: cowboy #au: ranch #au: soulmates #au: childhood friends #au: friends to lovers #au: slice of life #theme: summer #vibe: smutty #vibe: romcom #vibe: angst #vibe: fluffy

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lakemojave · 9 months

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Mojave's Top Ten Games of 2023 (3 of which actually came out this year)

I figured I should make a list like this at some point, but I didn't actually play many new games this year. Well, I played tons of games for the first time and loved so many of them, but few of them were new releases. At my current stage as a game critic, I'm playing a lot of catchup, trying to get context for current games, playing the classics and the seminal franchises of the medium. I do not have a game of the year pick. Even though I was behind the curve, I still wanna talk about the experiences that moved me this year.

Honorable mentions:

Baldur's Gate 3 (2023): One of the densest, fleshed out, satisfying narrative RPGs the gaming industry has seen in years. Immersive, well written and charming, no two people can have the same experience with this game because of how much variance and player choice is accounted for in the gameplay and script alike. It's for that reason it's not on the list though--not only have I not finished it, I'm also not doing it singleplayer, and am missing out on much of that juicy story content in favor of me and my group's meta-narrative.

Black Mesa (2020): The remake of the first half life is sharp, smooth, and immersive, combining what was visually and narratively compelling about Half Life 2 back into the original story. It has some of my favorite setpieces of the entire half life catalogue now, which is saying a lot. It's off the list in favor of the original.

Dead Space (2023): A triumphant return to the horrors of the Ishimura incident, with insidious twists to the game design and story that disrupt a fan's familiarity with the game world time again. It scared the fuck out of me so many times, but the bittersweet feeling I get thinking about the fate of the Dead Space franchise means RE4 gets its spot.

10. Oxenfree 2: Lost Signals (2023)

The long awaited sequel to 2016's Oxenfree caught me by surprise after playing the first game just before it. Playing the original teen horror, I'm struck by how grating some of the dialogue can be, how sophomoric and cheap it can feel without drinking deep of the content. What makes this version of teen horror so compelling, though, is that through sympathetic participation with Alex, you catch yourself from griping at the young characters for making foolish choices, which is very effective.

What's stunning about this sequel is that in the 7 year gap between games, it's not just the team and the audience that has matured, it's the writing all around. Your character, Riley, is in her early 30s, returning to her hometown and feeling very existential as she peers into the past, the future, and the unknown in between time and space. The world of Camena and Edwards Island is expanded on those lines, the thematic focus becomes resonant and emotionally devastating, and the dynamic with young characters, familiar or not, demonstrates how strong this second chapter to the oxenfree story really is.

9. Resident Evil 4 (2023)

Look. I love a horror game. 2005's Resident Evil 4 may be among the best of them, and it may be timeless in its own right, and it may be foundational to so many other games I love today, but god damn is this remake fun. With sharper visuals and atmosphere than the original, intricate new resource systems like knife durability and parries, and some updated character work, it's safe to say this is a categorically different game than the original. Plenty of material was cut from the main game, like the IT fight or the laser hallway, which found their way into the DRASTICALLY improved Separate Ways expansions, starring Ada Wong. It's not my favorite Resident Evil, and it's far from the scariest, but it's the one with Leon's spin kick, and there's nothing more satisfying than that.

I do maintain a lot of early gripes I had with the remake. When Resident Evil 8: Village came out in 2021, it borrowed a lot of mechanical, narrative, and aesthetic tropes from RE4, updating them to a new game in the wake of the remakes of RE2 and 3. Those remakes were truly transformational masterpieces, blending all of Resident Evil's best aspects to create new, distinct experiences. RE4, the original, didn't really need much updating, it's been ported to hell and back already and is so ubiquitous that there was no real need to bring it back into the zeitgeist. Nothing can really be gained by this remake except for a victory lap for Capcom.

Cynicism aside, FUCK YEAH, TWO CAKES!

8. Mass Effect (2006)

I should say that the version of Mass Effect I'm playing is not the one that came out in 2006. The Legendary edition does a bit of graphical and mechanical tweaks to update some of the dated aspects. That's kind of a shame, because the dated aspects are what's so fascinating about Mass Effect. Between Baldur's Gate 3, Disco Elysium, and now the early Fallout games, I find myself taken by classic CRPG design, which accommodates such a wide variety of player choice. Mass Effect doesn't have too much choice in it--the progression and ending are pretty much fixed from the beginning, you basically choose what flavor of the script that you want.

In that way, I like Mass Effect as a transitional piece--an attempt to bring the aspects of early CRPGS into the modern, console games market, with all the budget EA would give them. The writing and design are...satisfactory. The shooting could be more robust, the characters could have more personality, and to the series' credit those things do come about in Mass Effect 2 (which I'm sure I'll gush about when I finish it).

It's the presentation I love here. Mass Effect has maybe one of my favorite sci fi settings I've ever seen. A vast array of alien civilizations, a rich history filled with interesting lore, a competent portrayal of intergalactic politics, all delivered by characters that are deep and interesting. The voicework is also some of the best I've ever seen, and although there are many standouts, Jennifer Hale's Shepard is just tremendous. Actually playing Mass Effect may be a slog, completionist play might require some of the worst loot grinding I've ever seen, but that is all secondary to the way I was captivated by Mass Effect's version of the final frontier.

7. Half Life (1998)

I did a whole ass 5 hour video essay about Half Life, and I don't wanna belabor how much I like this game and series too much more. I loved Half life 2 and the portal games for years, but it was only for that project that I actually got around to playing this. It's a real bonafide classic, containing so many tropes of modern immersive action games WAY ahead of their time. The setting of Black Mesa is deep and engaging, the environmental storytelling is strong, and the voicework is natural and believable (for the most part.) Sometimes as a game critic I have to give some allowances to an older game for some of its jank and some of its rough edges, let myself see the thing just for what it is without all my modern hangups. I don't have to do that with Half Life like I do for other games. There's parts of it that are rough, like the Interloper and On a Rail chapters, but Half Life feels just as good to play now as it did 25 years ago.

6. Dredge (2023)

There's an old tumblr post that proposes a fishing game that's secretly a horror game. That post imagines a game that starts out normal and comfortable, but as the game goes on the player would catch stranger species of fish, soon finding monsters lurking in the deep and hidden secrets. It got a lot of peoples' imaginations going and engaged a lot of fan artists and even more comments riffing on this idea.

Dredge is that game. I was so gleefully surprised to see this game go through every single one of those steps in the first region alone. The game has a strong atmosphere and great art, leading to some real weird and nasty fish to catch and fill out the weird and spooky encyclopedia. Fishing at night gives you different and weirder fish, but it also raises your panic meter, which can cause hallucinations and open you up to monster attacks. It's a pretty ambiently scary game for the most part, and I almost chalked it up to being more horror themed than actual horror, until this one lagoon where a giant tentacle suddenly shot up at me out of a sudden drop in the ocean floor. I fuckin yelped, actually screamed in a way only two other games have gotten me to do this year.

5. Alien: Isolation (2014)

I have never, in my life, felt more powerless in a game than when I played Alien: Isolation. I'm used to games like Resident Evil, where you have a toolset for survival that is limited, but allows you to give actual pushback towards the zombies trying to get you. I played Amnesia: The Dark Descent this year too, the opposite of this dynamic, where you have NO means of resistance whatsoever, and the binary outcomes of monster encounters of that game completely broke my immersion.

Alien: Isolation actually gives you myriad crafted tools to overcome your obstacles, from human scavengers to androids to the xenomorph herself. Yet, the impossible speed and predatory senses of the monster means that one slip up means instant death, and the death animations are pretty brutal. Through cunning and cautious play, you can slip past the Alien enough times to where you get a flamethrower, which will repel her in a pinch. However, her AI is advanced to the point where she will learn your habits between deaths, look for you in lockers if you hide in them a lot, resist certain tricks like noisemaker bombs or flares. It's in keeping with how the 1979 movie presents her: a perfect killing machine. In fact, its the way so much of the Sevastopol resembles the aesthetic of that early film that not only helps the atmosphere, but makes the alien's power more believable. Immersive and terrifying, Alien: Isolation is a horror triumph.

4. Undertale (2015)

Yeah that's not actually a joke. I really did only play Undertale this year, and I was really actually completely blind going into it. Of all the games I'm happy I got to experience fresh, it was this one. Undertale seems tropey in its game design, story beats, and writing style 8 years later, but that's because so much of its design has been cannibalized by indie developers going after this aesthetic. As a bullet hell, it's...fine. As a meta commentary on retro RPGs and on the act of violence in video games in general, it's incredible. It legitimately gave me immense joy to reach the end and have my stubborn insistence on pacifism challenged even further, and then rewarded in the best possible way. I got to experience it on stream, too, with some friends who had played it previously and one who did not, and we all did the common thing and did funny voices for everybody. It's created some real cherished memories for me, memories that wouldn't have hit as hard if I did not wait to play Undertale.

3. Metal Gear Solid (1998)

Now here's a game I truly thought I'd never get around to. I'm a big fan of the Metal Gear series and when I learned that konami was releasing the master collection pack of the first 3 games, I was fuckin' stoked. If there's one other game that dictated the trajectory of storytelling and presentation of modern games like Half Life did, it's this one.

Having played the first two metal gears, the 2D ones from the late 80s, I was struck by how much of the basic design beats of Metal Gear come directly from the early titles. Seeing them translated into 3D is just incredible--all the prototypical stealth design transcribed so seamlessly into a much more legible visual language to me. The shooting may feel like ass and the bosses may have healthbars the size of Alaska, but the moment to moment sneaking in this game is so intricate and thorough that you really do feel like a tactical master as you go about it.

None of that touches on what's most memorable about Metal Gear Solid, and that's the presentational aspects. The animations and models might be worse than Half Life's, but the writing and voice acting is just world class. David Hayter as Snake, Cam Clarke as Liquid, Christopher Randolph as Otacon, and Patrick Zimmerman as Ocelot (hell even an early Jennifer Hale role) are astounding performances, even today. The cutscenes and dialogue are certainly oversaturated and long, but goddamn if I don't like watching and listening to them. I love this damn game.

2. Bloodborne (2015)

Bloodborne has been more of a myth and less of a game for me. I played some bits at a friend's house in 2017 and never owned a PS4 so I never thought playing it would be possible for me. I obsessively watched lore videos and playthroughs which got me into Dark Souls 3, then Sekiro, then Elden Ring, which has fueled much of my activity on twitch and as a game critic in general. It was only this year that that same friend lent me her PS4 and I played Bloodborne 3 whole times until I 100% the game in a matter of months. The experience was so meaningful to me that I ended up scrapping my first bloodborne video and starting from scratch, this time with Bloodborne Kart dev Lilith Walther as a guest.

I have never been more immersed in a game world than I have been in Bloodborne's. Yharnam is not only such a dense and intricate city, it is drop dead gorgeous in such a grotesque and macabre way. Many words and many writers have already described the surreal hypergothic smokescreen shrouding the insidious cosmic beings steering the terror and bloodshed from out of sight, so I won't repeat them here. You don't forget the sights and sounds of Bloodborne--they linger in your imagination, the visual language shapes your own ability to conceive of images and ideas in horror fiction, twisting the familiar into stranger shapes and forms.

Plus it just feels so fucking good to play. I like From Software titles and their style of combat, and I like how fast combat works in Sekiro and Elden Ring, but neither of those games accommodate brutality like Bloodborne does. You're meant to attack recklessly, cravenly, no blocking, just press the attack again and again until you're drenched in the gore and blood of your foes. You feel like one among the beasts--after all, what difference is there between a predator and the man that hunts them?

1. Signalis (2022)

I have not stopped thinking about Signalis since I played it the first time. The game is like a fucking honeypot for me. It's got Resident Evil style tank controls as an option, with similar combat and inventory management, themes and presentation similar to Silent Hill, and a sci fi flourish akin to Dead Space. So what, it's every great horror game jammed into one retro style amalgamation? Sounds like a great time for me!

That's just the surface, the hook of it all. While the game certainly uses this familiarity to pull you in and make you comfortable and excited for its own terrors, there's a creeping feeling of unease as you continue to revel in the horror and gore that's taken over these halls. Your character, Elster, is a special ops android in a fictional fascist regime, who has abandoned her post to search for her human partner, whose identity eludes her as she slips into delusion. After reaching the depths of the first area, where the space mine turns into a hall of flesh and viscera, the very walls pulsing and dripping, the world suddenly resets, and you find yourself back in the very first zone, now covered in the same blood and gore. The characters cry out in pain at you, begging you to stop, to turn back, to stop prolonging their hell with your own pursuit of an ending. A chalkboard in a classroom with a pretty frivolous note early on now reads "YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE."

If I go on I'm gonna spoil the whole game, but that part there is the essence of Signalis to me. Many games will challenge your own enthusiasm for playing, question the time you spend in the game rather than like, going outside or something. Few games will actively blame you for prolonging the suffering of the game's inhabitants and creating a self contained digital hell. Few games will ask you "why do you want terror?" in the way that Signalis does.

Signalis is a triumph of horror game design. The imagery is horrifically cryptic, the worldbuilding is dense, the monster design and soundscapes are creepy and effective, the gameplay feels desperate and every bullet fired feels like a scream for help. Signalis is my favorite game I played this year, hands down.

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