#cause i personally simply just do not believe that gods could exist outside of fantasy

[caffeinatedseri]

Murakami and Ranpo

Some minor spoilers ahead for the third BSD LN, The Untold Story of the Founding of the Detective Agency." If you aren't concerned with spoilers, I did my best with summarizing the plot for anyone who hasn't read the novel.

In the third BSD LN, Fukuzawa and Ranpo are tasked with finding the culprit of an ominous death threat at a theatrical play. The threat is written as follows:

“An angel shall bring death, in the truest sense of the word, to the performer. —V.”

This threat fits perfectly with the play, which is a mystery play where each character gets killed by an "angel" who murders. However, the characters don't know if they're being killed by an angel or a regular person, because there's nothing supernatural about their causes of death (getting stabbed by a knife, poison, strangulation, etc.).

Each character was a former angel who had been banished from the celestial world, because they admired humans so much that God turned them into humans. Therefore, the characters in the play believed that an angel was sent after them to punish them for their sins.

This sets up two mysteries for us to follow:

1. The mystery of the real death threat, sent by "V" — who is the culprit behind it, who will they kill, and why?

2. The mystery within the play — is it an angel or real person killing each character, and why?

Paradoxes (and Things That Don't Make Sense)

The play is called, "The Living World is a Dream, the Nocturnal Dream is Reality," which is a quote from the real Edogawa Ranpo's work, but I couldn't find the exact source. The title proposes a paradox: reality is a dream, and dreams are reality.

Several other paradoxes present themselves in the story, but they appear most prominently in Ranpo's big speech where he solves the mystery of the play, and the murder simultaneously:

“The murder and the play’s story are connected on a deep level. This play reversed the tide of the narrative. A group of fallen angels tried to return to the heavens, but the angel of judgment tried to stop them. Meanwhile, the angel’s judgment was but a show, and the supposed victim, a human, faked it. The angel’s and humans’ roles were reversed, switching the judge and the judged. That’s the kind of play this was. "

"...the narrative is in reverse. Our structures have been swapped along with the victim and killer as well. In other words—he isn’t the killer, but a victim."

This reveal subverts the original expectation that the plot would follow two separate mysteries. Instead, the lines are blurred between reality and fiction, killer and killed, and dreams and reality because now the two mysteries are intertwined.

I think this part of the story is deliberately written to be confusing (or at least not very clearly explained) as to fit in with the themes found in Murakami's writing.

Who is Murakami?

Haruki Murakami is a famous Japanese author, and you may have read some of his famous works, "Norwegian Wood" and "Kafka on the Shore."

Since this is Bungou (Literary) Stray Dogs, Murakami makes an appearance in this light novel as the main actor of the play.

Before I go on to explain Murakami's role in the novel, I'll give a brief background on his real counterpart and explain how the theatrical play in the novel reflects the real Murakami's work.

Murakami writes in the genre of "magical realism", where the lines between fantasy and reality are blurred as magical elements are seamlessly incorporated into the story. I'll be using "Kafka on the Shore" as the main example for this point, since it's a great example of Murakami's expertise in magical realism.

In "Kafka on the Shore," there are 2 interrelated plot lines, alternating with each chapter, similar to the 2 supposed mysteries outlined at the beginning of the novel.

Like its moniker, "Kafka on the Shore" resembles a "Kafkaesque" style of writing due to its surreal elements that are bizarre and illogical in the rules of reality.

In an interview about this novel, Murakami said:

"Kafka on the Shore contains several riddles, but there aren't any solutions provided. Instead, several of these riddles combine, and through their interaction the possibility of a solution takes shape. And the form this solution takes will be different for each reader. To put it another way, the riddles function as part of the solution. It's hard to explain, but that's the kind of novel I set out to write."

The Outcome of the Play

In theme with Murakami's bizarre, magical-realism writings, several illogical events take place within the span of the LN:

1. Before the play even starts, Murakami (the character) and the rest of the cast completely disregard the death threat. Even though the logical and safe solution would be to reschedule the play, it is a very literal representation of "the play must go on" mindset.

2. Murakami gets stabbed mid-sentence, on stage by a white blade that magically disappears.

3. Murakami bleeds real blood and has no pulse, which would signify his death, but he doesn't actually die.

Despite all this, Ranpo is extremely good at observing various elements of a situation and putting them together to form a solution, much like how the interactions of "Kafka on the Shore"'s riddles form their own solution.

Ranpo appears on stage and makes an Oscar-worthy performance out of his announcement that reveals Murakami to be the culprit behind his own death. It doesn't make much logical sense that Murakami would fake his own death for a performance, but rather it's an action motivated by pure passion.

“I…,” muttered Murakami in almost a whisper. He raised his voice and continued, “I am an actor! I become someone I am not and live a life that doesn’t exist! My job is to expose what it means to be human! It doesn’t matter if I play the lead part or a minor part. It doesn’t matter if I am a villain or hero. I become them with every part of my body! There is no other job for me! This is the only way I can live!”

And here, Murakami reveals the final paradox of the play:

"But there is one thing that cannot be avoided while acting on the stage of life, and that is death! Death is not the opposite of life; it is life’s symbol and banner. However, it also provides a great paradox! Nobody alive has ever experienced it! That’s why to me, the greatest job of all would be performing the death of a person. Not death as a device or a mere convention, but real death that I could convey to the audience. That was the pinnacle of theatrical performance to me. And this is the outcome of my toil."

Murakami eventually gets arrested for the fake death threat and deceiving the police, among other things. The most notable moment after this comes in Ranpo's dialogue to Murakami:

“I thought you were amazing,” Ranpo suddenly said from behind as Murakami was being taken away. “I didn’t quite understand all of it myself, but I don’t think it’s something that just anyone could do. By the way, take a look at the audience. Look at their faces.”

1. Ranpo sees Murakami's act as something admirable, most likely because Ranpo appreciates a good mystery and had fun solving it.

2. Ranpo tells Murakami to look at the audience, to which he turns around and sees the faces of a broken audience who came to watch a play and instead witnessed a real not-so-real murder.

“You said your job was entertainment, right? But could you really call it that…when you look at their expressions?” For the first time, Murakami’s eyes showed a sign of weakness. “…I see.” A small voice, unlike what one would expect from a stage actor with a powerful voice, fell from the stage. “I was…only performing for myself.”

Murakami realizes that he traumatized his entire audience on his quest to reach the "pinnacle of theatrical performance." In his small world that consisted of just the stage, he failed to see the outside world and forgot to consider how his actions would impact others. It's also important to mention that it was Ranpo specifically who pointed it out to him.

The focus on the audience mirrors Fukuzawa's thoughts when Ranpo was giving his big speech before Murakami appeared on the stage:

Fukuzawa was at his wits’ end. From the playgoers’ point of view, the fact that people knew there was going to be a murder beforehand completely changed their view of the situation. Was it really okay to tell them that? But Ranpo showed no concern for the audience’s worries.

Ranpo, throughout the entire novel, is portrayed as this extraordinarily ordinary kid who means well but simply doesn't understand what others are thinking. He was taught that he wasn't special, but this only isolated him into his own tiny world, because the outside world was filled with things he didn't understand.

This leads to him upsetting a bunch of people by blatantly calling out things about them that shouldn't be called out, like the theater's owner Ms. Egawa, and even Fukuzawa at one point.

However, this moment when he calls out Murakami is pivotal because it shows how he's grown from this event. He's learned to be considerate of others. He's seen how he can upset other people with the things he says, and he's learned from that enough to show another person who's trapped in their own individual world.

Although Ranpo is depicted to be somewhat self-centered throughout this novel and even after it, Fukuzawa taught him that he isn't alone in this world. Because Fukuzawa showed compassion to Ranpo, a special fifteen-year-old kid who didn't know better in a world of monsters, Ranpo learned how to exist in a world where he was different from everyone else, and that was okay.

Thank you for reading! If you haven't read this LN yet, I would still highly recommend it because I didn't cover the entirety of the mystery, and it's a wonderful read to understand more about Ranpo and Fukuzawa's backstory.

[the-fae-folk]

What is a Fairy?

I suppose they probably need some explanation, especially nowadays. Fairies (Faeries, Fay, Fey, Fae, or even Fair Folk) could be considered a type of mythical being. Some have described them as spirits, others as ghosts of the deceased, some deified ancestors, prehistoric precursors to humans, personifications of nature, pagan deities, or even angels and demons in the way of Christian traditions. Often they encompass a metaphysical aspect, being depicted as spirits or beings who transcend the physical universe and world that we know. Or given features of the Supernatural, such as magic or extrasensory perception, which allow them to violate or go beyond the laws of nature. Even sometimes Preternatural, which something abnormal or strange and explainable but still within the boundaries of the natural laws of the universe (for example I could say someone is a preternaturally good cellist, and mean that they are impossibly good beyond expectations or even belief, but I’m not saying that they are actually magical...just that their apparent abilities and how they gained them are unknown and very strange to me.) But what is a fairy? Well you already know what some of them look like. Many people might immediately picture Tinkerbell from the animated Disney feature film, or even from the original Peter Pan novel by J. M. Barrie. And they would be correct, in part. Tinkerbell is a depiction of a Pixie, a specific type of fairy. But there are lots of fairy types, I don’t actually think there’s a complete list. (I should probably try to make one at some point, but no promises.) During some points in history the label of fairy was used to mean magical beings who had a mostly human shape. Gnomes, leprechauns, goblins, pixies, dwarfs, elfs, etc etc etc. And at other points it also included non humanoid magical creatures such as Unicorns, Dragons, Kelpie, Basilisk, and more (Sometimes these were referred to as Fairy Creatures). So where did they come from? Well the funny thing is that Fairies don’t actually come from only one area or set of myths. They are a strange combination of the folklore from all over Europe (and possibly beyond) and include ideas and stories from Celtic, Scandinavian, Nordic, Germanic, French, and English Folklore and Mythology. As these stories were passed around and intermingled and changed they brought about the collective creatures we know today as the Fae or Fairies. The Renaissance, Romantic Era, Victorian Era, Edwardian Era, and even the Celtic Revival Movement of the 19th and 20th centuries all had their influences on the stories and ideas connected with the Fairy folk, some significantly less helpful than others. Even the Fantasy Literature Genre, with Tolkien at its forefront, has added and changed much about people’s view on these creatures. So lets talk about some basic things you’ll want to know when dealing with Fairies. The first thing you might want to remember is that many people view the Tuatha Dé Danann (Supernatural gods, goddesses, heroes, and kings of Irish Mythology) as being the source for Faeries, or at least one of the strongest influences. Celtic Folklore and culture is easily one of the most visible bits of Faerie lore that you can find these days, but there’s a lot more that starts showing up when you begin to dig. Another thing to note is that the Renaissance, Romantic Era, Victorian Era, Edwardian Era, and the Celtic Revival Movement had a massive influence on how people saw fairies. They would mix folklore from different areas of Europe, attempted to prove the existence of fairies through scientific means, created artistic depictions of fairies, and much more. Often they sanitized and shrunk the fairies until they were mostly harmless or relegated to the outskirts of human life as a curiosity. Which brings me to the next point. In a lot of older folklore, from all over Europe, fairy beings are often depicted as being incredibly dangerous. Kidnapping humans or human babies, causing crops to wither, water to dry up, food to rot. They could lure people in with magic into a fairy ring of mushrooms and make them dance forever or make them forget their life. Sometimes they even played with time itself. A person could dance with the fairies only to find that they’ve been gone a hundred years when they try to go home. And many beliefs have depictions of some kind of Otherworld, a world apart from our own, or layered over it like an extra dimension we are unable to perceive or directly interact with. Sometimes its a land of the dead or a hidden underground kingdom, other times is a strange and fantastical country with its own laws and ways of doing things. As these stories meshed together we got what is known as Fairyland. The land which the fairies dwell in. Though some believe they simply live on Earth, hidden in the wild, or among us. Some reoccurring ideas are often connected with fairies, though not all have stayed the same as the original lore they were born from. The idea that Faeries, for whatever reason, are unable to or will not lie. This is a very important idea because the Folk are also simultaneously depicted as deceptive. Like particularly vicious lawyers they will play with words, never quite lying, but purposefully leading you astray or tricking you into a bad deal. They will often obey an oath, promise, or deal exactly to the letter, but ignore the intent behind it in order to twist it to their own benefit or amusement. Whether or not fairies are immortal depends entirely on where you draw your folklore from. Sometimes they are immortal; deathless, not mortal. Unable to die in spite of starvation, terrible wounds, age, or anything else. They are bound to life for all time. But some stories depict the stranger Fae Folk as being Eternal. Beyond time, always having existed and always existing, sometimes cycling, sometimes directionless and boundless and everything. Some tough concepts to get your head around, but nobody really agrees which one fairies are. In some folklore they’re even depicted as mortal, same as you and I, but a lot longer lived and harder to kill. A reoccurring motif in older Folklore is the need of humans to try and ward off fairies with charms and totems. When they were not depicted as outright malicious and dangerous, sometimes being thought to cause illness and death or bring about disastrous misfortune or steal a person’s name and voice, fairies were still mischievous and valiantly unhelpful. So people had all kinds of lucky charms to protect from them: like four leaf clovers, various plants, or actions like wearing your clothes inside out to confuse them. Iron is said in many beliefs to burn them, and certain herbs they view as sacred and will refrain from touching the bearer. A few more things. Christianity plays an important part in this discussion, though many people don’t like that. In many places myths and legends were wiped out by Christianity, either intentionally or simply by the very fact that it was trying to convert people in Europe and old pagan beliefs were seen as nonsensical. But still stories persisted despite this. Many old Myths and Folkloric beliefs were recorded for posterity by Christians, and some stories were altered and we are unable to see exactly how much (Beowulf). A lot of fairy stories remained too, only Christianity painted them as fallen angels or even demons of a kind, who could be kept away from Holy Ground, or were forced to kidnap humans to pay a tithe to Hell (or be taken themselves if they couldn’t pay). So folk beliefs, though generally discouraged by the church as superstition, remained quite strong all over Europe for a very long time. The last three things you need to know. One, there are many people who still believe in Fairies, though their beliefs often vary, sometimes wildly. Witches who claim to work with them. People who believe in them through their religions (usually pagans and other non christian groups). People who claim to have encountered or been abducted by them. And many others. While I personally do not believe in Fairies (though I like to keep an open mind, just in case), I do believe that the beliefs, cultures, and and rights of these people ought to be respected. Which leads me to other mythical beings that are similar to Fairies but hail from cultures and peoples outside of Europe. It might be tempting to label some of the spirits from various Native North American Tribes or from Chinese Folklore (or many others) as fairies. Don’t do that. If Fairies are real, you have to consider that there might be other mythical beings who fall under different categories and groups. And even if they are not real, it is extremely disrespectful to the people of those cultures to take their stories, myths, beliefs, and folklore and try to mesh it in with European Folklore. (this is exactly what the Victorian and Edwardian Era were guilty of.) And finally... Some people might tell you that they know everything there is to know about Fairies. Don’t believe them. Even I, who have spent years and years studying European Faerie Folklore, find new things about them every day. I have sources I’ve found and haven’t yet had the time to look into, areas of study I’ve had to neglect. There is so much about Fairies to explore that it’s quite literally impossible for any one person to know all of it. Personally I’m doubtful that a single person can even know an eighth of it all, you can hardly imagine how much there is. And while there is a great deal of it buried on the internet, there is even more offline. Books which are out of print or have never had their contents uploaded, cultural stories passed down in various European groups which are saved from oblivion only by the oratory tradition, and the remains of all kinds of long dead or vastly changed civilizations who believed in the Fairies and tried to work with or avoid or appease them. All the misinformation and personal gnoses out there also make it a lot harder to find accurate information about traditional folklore. And that’s not even counting the multitude of inventions and ideas spawned by fictional literature surrounding fairies. There is simply too much. But of course... Since when has something being impossible ever stopped a human from trying anyway? If you’re still interested, then who am I to discourage you? Go, jump right in. There’s so much to learn about the Faerie Folk.

[jeonggukkiepabo]

MOONCHILD 🌙  2

SUMMARY: Soulmates are a common thing. Everyone has one. Some people think soulmates are the greatest gift fate could give, others are envious about happy couples that were lucky enough to receive a wonderful partner. One of them was Min Yoongi. Your time to meet your significant other hasn’t come yet, stumbling into the tattoo parlor with a simple idea in mind, not knowing that you will be bound to step by more often. When you leave for the first time, you’ll go home with your masterpiece of a tattoo.

When you leave for the second time, you’ll go home with not only one, but two soulmates.

The man that was supposed to be your only soulmate, the one that never wanted to tell you that he woke up with the exact same koi karp tattoo just sits and watches - until he can’t take the pain anymore.

PAIRINGS: Y/N x ?? / Taehyung x Jungkook

WARNINGS: angst, fluff, mentions of anxiety / depression / unrequited love, there’s one small mention of a quickie in the storage room but no actual smut (yet), swearing, mentions of homosexual relationships (member x member)

WORD COUNT: ~ 6k

NOTE: Now from my side, I’d love to welcome you to our baby as well. It took us quite some time to plan this fic before we even started writing, but I think we did a great job and I am really proud that we came to the part of actually uploading this fic. I think I can speak for Dolly as well when I say that we were surprised by the amount of people asking to be tagged in the upcoming party, thank you so much! Now I don’t want to get simpy and stuff, so please enjoy chapter 2 of Moonchild!

PART 01 ~ MASTERLIST  

Yoongi can’t believe it, everything is too ridiculous to be real. It’s one of those disgusting pranks you usually just see on TV, isn’t it? This isn’t supposed to be real… right? But then again, why would anyone pull a prank on him like that?

To begin with, he’s utterly pissed because of the cupcake incident. It’s pitiful; Yoongi knows it all too well, but nevertheless: he can’t help but feel like an asshole and he hates the way you indirectly and unknowingly called him one as well. The douchebag that couldn’t come to grab the cupcake that was handmade by Hoseok? That was no other than Yoongi himself - and knowing that you, out of all the people that step into the shop to get some pastries, got it instead of him makes him think that maybe the cupcake-ritual isn’t as special and important to Hoseok as it is to Yoongi. 

He goes to this specific bakery religiously, always grabbing some coffee and this disgustingly sweet pastry that he doesn’t even like. At least that’s what Yoongi tends to say when people ask him about it. 

But fuck, who could say no to Hoseok who endearingly prepares those cupcakes by hand, just to make a different flavor for Yoongi every day? The little batch of batter he whips up every morning for one single cupcake? Yoongi could never refuse such a gesture. And why would he? Hoseok pours all his heart into baking, into decorating and it’s the cutest shit anyone has ever done for Yoongi, of course he accepts them. He even eats every single one, even though his teeth hurt due the amount of sugar in them.

So, why the hell did Hoseok just give it out to you? Wasn’t their ritual as special to him as to Yoongi? How could Hoseok know that Yoongi wasn’t planning to grab it during his lunch break? Or after his shift? Right, Hoseok couldn’t know, he just assumed Yoongi wouldn’t go and get it. Great. That makes him feel like shit even more than before. 

But, it wasn’t just that. It would have been way too easy for Yoongi to let his anger consume him throughout the day. He knows that he could simply go to Hoseok later that day to get a coffee and calm himself down (not to talk about his jealousy, obviously) - that would have been it, no stubborn behavior from his side, no self destructive thoughts that will probably hunt him in his sleep tonight. But Yoongi wouldn’t be Yoongi if he’d do that, if he’d just forget about his ego once. He’s so fucking naive. 

Yoongi had obviously noticed the slight discomfort in his neck as he had been tattooing you, but even though he probably should have, he didn’t think anything of it. He just felt like it was phantom pain.

Yet, your tattoo is there, inked into his own skin, permanently reminding him what he just had to realize. He shivers at the thought, but not in a good way. He hates it, he hates himself for pulling you into the shop that day and he hates you for being who you are.

The exact same design he just tattooed onto your lower neck is proudly showing up on the same spot, covering the exact same spot on his body as well now.

But that’s not possible, you can’t be his soulmate. There’s nobody in the world that could be mated to Yoongi and he knows that. He doesn’t deserve a soulmate.

Yoongi doesn't even have the strength to stop his own hands from shaking so much, what on earth is happening to him right now? Isn’t his life complicated enough the way it already is? He wants- he needs to break something, anything really. He feels the urge to just punch into his mirror, but he can’t hurt his hands, those are the only good things about himself - those hands that create such amazing art on human bodies. But today, those hands deceived him. 

Yoongi needs a break. 

He needs to think of something else, to silence his own thoughts because his brain feels crowded, 

his breaths get shorter and shorter, he’s breathing in a more hectic way now as the panic rushes over him. It feels like Yoongi is underwater, his throat burning with the desire to fill his lungs with more air, but it feels like there’s no oxygen around him.

He’s used to his anxiety, panic attacks are more usual than he’d like them to be, but the anger that is added into the mix causes his emotions to feel unbearable. 

He even wonders for a second if he shouldn’t just go outside as quickly as possible, leaving the suffocating room, before he actually breaks something out of anger. It’s overwhelming, too much for him to manage by himself. 

Yoongi needs air, he needs to stop thinking, at least for a minute. Feeling his newly inked skin burning, he wants to scream until his voice disappears because he should not feel this pain and discomfort. This isn’t his own tattoo, and he doesn’t want it to be on his neck. He doesn’t want to share anything with you or with anyone else. Actually, he hates the thought of it. 

He hates everything: from the burning pain inside his heart to the tattoo that he wants to tear off with his nails if needed. The fresh lines of ink feel wrong under his touch knowing how precious and personal it is to you.

 It feels like Yoongi stole something from you even though you were the one that did exactly that to him. You stole his freedom, the freedom of meeting his true soulmate. Because you weren’t that for him. You weren’t his true soulmate. You stole the hopes he had to ever end up with the love of his life. He hates you. 

Breathe, he has to breathe, but it gets harder each time he tries. The air is stuck inside his lungs, aching to be released in some sort of way, but it’s hard. Yoongi feels like he just lost the ability to breathe out, just collecting his used air inside his lungs and by now, he feels like they’re going to explode soon. Maybe that would change something, maybe he could lose you like that.

He is somewhat frightened by his own thoughts, but he chuckles darkly, noticing how much his body is shivering. He can’t even open his fists, his nails digging into his palms, but he feels no pain. Yoongi is so easily falling apart because of you, and even that makes him angry. He feels pitiful, even for himself, and god knows how much he hates to see any kind of pity in the eyes of anyone looking at him. That’s until his knees suddenly hit the ground, the shock sobering him a little bit, eyes widening because of the abrupt pain. The pain of not accepting his soulmate, the pain of not giving into the bond. Instead, he gives up on both you and himself. Giving in to the pain, allowing himself to feel it all. There is a little voice in the back of his head that tells him that he needs to stop trying so hard not to see the truth, that he is preventing you from feeling this pain that you can’t control. He shakes his head violently, trying to get rid of this annoying voice.  

He refuses. You can’t be his soulmate, you can’t and you won’t. 

You won’t if he doesn’t let you know, right? You probably don’t feel it, it was him that got bonded to you, not the other way around. He has your tattoo, he’s the one that’s supposed to go and talk to you, to show you how he feels and kiss you to seal the bond. But Yoongi won’t.

He already feels awful about the decision he has to make right now, because in the back of his mind he knows that he is taking the choice away from you, he knows that it’s awful and that you will probably hate him if you find out, but what else is he supposed to do? There’s only one man he would accept as his soulmate - and you weren’t him. You weren’t Hoseok and you will never be like him.

He never believed in this soulmate fantasy anyway. He never understood how people could randomly follow those kinds of things, as if the universe would choose people to be destined for each other. The man he loves is in love with someone else, isn’t that proof enough that the whole thing about the universe putting souls together is completely fucked up? Fate doesn’t exist. Not for Yoongi. Not for his broken soul.

Ugly tears are threatening to spill, the salty drops burning in his eyes and Yoongi doesn’t know if they are meant to be shed for his newly found soulmate that his body seems to be aching for, or if it’s the pain of losing someone he never had, the one that remains in his heart, the one that proves him that love isn’t something that he can handle. He keeps on being the one who’s left out, the short straw, the one who stays on the side, never picked first. Maybe he wasn’t made for love, neither to give nor to receive.

Hoseok didn’t choose him first. He chose Seokjin. And god, that shit hurts. It hurts each time he sees them together and he quickly found himself hating the man who’s giving Hoseok everything. 

He can feel Seokjin’s confusion about his cold shoulder, with his thoughtful and gentle looks. But he doesn’t know. He shouldn’t know, because Yoongi knows that fate isn't about choosing, it’s not about who you want to be mated with, it’s about having the same souls, the same interests and the same needs. Hoseok and Seokjin are perfect together, they share the same sense of humor, they even finish each other's sentences. They’re a couple right out of the schoolbook.

Who is he kidding, Yoongi can’t bring himself to hate Seokjin and that’s what annoys him the most. Why can’t he even hate the man who stole the love of his life? Yoongi tries to tell himself that he really does hate Seokjin, that the eldest deserves his hatred, his envy and jealousy. But he can’t, he just can’t hate the kind man that seems to try his best to leave Yoongi in peace when he comes to their coffee shop. He hates the kindness that is shown to him each time he steps inside to grab a coffee. But what he hates the most is that he treats Hoseok like he deserves to be treated. Something that he wishes he had gotten the opportunity, but he didn’t, and he won’t. 

Yoongi isn’t stupid. He knows that he is nothing more than a good friend to Hoseok, they may have been more than that in the past, but that was before fate decided to step in between them. Though, Seokjin and Hoseok will never treat him with anything but kindness. 

But, oh, how he wishes that it wasn’t as forced as it is. Yoongi just wants to be loved, but he knows he probably doesn’t deserve it. What could he offer Hoseok when a full Kim Seokjin exists? 

Right. Nothing. 

The tears are doubling up and Yoongi closes his eyes to not see the blurry room anymore, tired of everything. He doesn’t care about the hot droplets that roll down his cheeks, about the ugly sob that finally leaves his lips. Suddenly, even the air in his lungs is gone and he feels empty once again.

A shaky sigh leaves his lips, the craving for more than just a cigarette boiling under his skin.

What kind of soulmate could he ever be anyway, if not a pitiful and horrible one? Would he treat anybody else different to how he treats himself? Is that why fate chose you for him? Are you just as broken, just as anxious and wrecked as Yoongi is? Are you hiding something under your soft features?

How is he supposed to develop feelings for someone as long as he’s in love with another man? He hates it. Somehow he hates it because he knows he wouldn’t be enough as a soulmate for you. Why would you pick him anyway? Does… he even like girls?

Suddenly, Yoongi is laughing. He must have lost it, truly. He’s still crying even though he can’t help but feel how ridiculous his situation is. His plan is to avoid you because honestly, he has no other choice. 

You won’t be his soulmate and he couldn’t care any less. He has to find a way to make you disappear from his life, he has to forget about you. Maybe that’s why fate sent you - to test him, to test if he is really meant for Hoseok, if his love for him is real.

If only he had never met you, he wishes he could just forget about it, never going out to bring you into the parlour and just go back to his useless crush on Hoseok. 

Yoongi’s throat is tightening again but he won’t allow himself to suffer even more. He is going to ignore everything. His life has to go on - and it will. Without you.

He is going to hate you, even if it takes years, maybe his entire life. Because as much as he just tries to believe that he hates you, he knows that he does not. It’s impossible.

He hates fate maybe even more than you. This stupid attraction. You’re his... no. You’re nothing. You’re not his soulmate. He’ll never let you be.

You won’t be his soulmate whether you accept it or not, because he does not want you in his life.

He does not, and if you ever understand who he is supposed to be for you, he is going to make you understand that he doesn’t want you, as cruel and horrible as it sounds, even to him. And that’s it.

You come back for the check up two weeks later, just like Taehyung scheduled you. It had been pretty hard to adapt too your new tattoo for the first few days. You had to turn around every time you walked past a mirror because you just had to look at it over and over again. Sleeping has been torture, though. Each time you tossed and turned in bed, laying on your back or simply move your shoulders in an unusual way was hurting your damaged skin. After that, the itch started - and it was horrible because you knew that you were supposed to leave it alone, not removing the healing skin because your ink will fade, but it was itching so bad. 

The last few days were obviously way easier than the beginning, even though the permanent itchiness of healing skin was driving you insane. Though, that beautiful masterpiece was worth every second of it.

You had indeed thought about what Taehyung told you that day - that he wanted to leave something on your skin as well. In the beginning, the thought had been slightly overwhelming. You didn’t even know why, you had felt joyful but anxious at the same time. 

You would’ve thought that the reason behind that was your fear of needles, but you did survive the tattoo you just got perfectly fine, which left you wondering why you were feeling so anxious about it. 

As time passed, you grew fonder of the idea of getting a tattoo from Taehyung. 

And to be honest, you don’t think you would oppose Jungkook doing one either, as weird as it sounds. Even to you, it sounds pretty odd. You’re not one to let anyone near you easily, especially to get a tattoo that will be on your skin forever. 

You now start to understand why people say getting tattoos is addictive.

Because strangely, the idea does not sound as frightening or dangerous if you think about Taehyung or Jungkook tattooing you. You feel somewhat safe with them and you know that the both of them would probably take good care of you. 

However, now that you’re back in the parlour, you’re not so sure anymore. 

“What do you mean, Yoongi is full? Didn’t you schedule an appointment for me last time?” You ask incredulously, because it doesn’t make any sense to you. You even noted that date in your phone, there’s no way that you accidentally wrote down something wrong.

“I’m very sorry Y/N. I don’t know what happened to the schedule either, a lot of things got changed, Yoongi switched many time slots, I’m pretty confused at his schedule myself, especially since he rescheduled you, like, in two weeks. I can’t really let that happen, you need your check up pretty soon, not in a month.” Taehyung sighs and you’re feeling confused. What happened? 

Yoongi had asked Taehyung to book you a check up session, why did he change everything without telling anyone? Especially the fact that Taehyung, the freaking co-owner, doesn’t know why is making everything even more weird.

“I mean, it’s okay, I can always come back in two weeks, it’s alright, no big deal.” You try to smile, but Taehyung sees right through it. He thinks about calling Yoongi for a few seconds, asking him why the hell he changed it all, but he knows better than to interrupt him in the middle of an appointment.

 “You know what? I don’t have any appointments right now. I’m going to call Jungkook to the front and I’m going to make sure that you have your check up session just like we promised you would. He’s probably eating his third bowl of ramen right now.” Taehyung smiles soothingly, but you’re not very sure of his words right now.

“Are you sure? Really it’s okay, I can come back in two weeks, I wouldn’t want to be a pro-”

“You’re not a bother Y/N. Don’t even think about that word. I’m going to take a look at you, it shouldn’t be long anyway, so don’t worry about it, yeah?”, his smile slowly transfers onto your face once again and you feel yourself nodding at his words, somewhat comforted. That man has some sort of power over you, as weird as it sounds. 

“Okay, then we’re going in the room just right there, the left one. That’s mine. Jungkook! Could you come to the desk? I’m taking Y/N for her check up.” He yells, still not too loud to make sure that he does not startle Yoongi while he’s working on someone’s skin. Even though you’re not sure if he’d actually hear anything that happens outside, when Yoongi was tattooing you he seemed pretty concentrated and didn’t even talk to Jungkook or you. But maybe he just felt weird around you. 

“Oh! Y/N is back? Hola! How have you been?” You can hear Jungkook running towards you, excitedly bouncing on his heels and you laugh at how fast he arrives. 

“Hi! I’ve been quite good, thanks. How about you?” He smiles widely, excited about something.

“I’m very good! I’ve been told that I was improving on the fake skin I had to tattoo all the time, so I’m determined to prove myself when I’ll get the occasion. Yoongi told me that I should be able to work on real skin soon if I get to find someone that actually ag- Y/N!” he suddenly shouts, causing you jump in shock. “Would you let me tattoo you? Please! I’d do anything, I’d even do it for free. I really need someone to let me do it. I mean, I already did bits and pieces on Taehyung, but Yoongi says that this doesn’t count”, he asks with his big doe eyes, a pout forming on his lips and you’re way too close to just recklessly say yes. 

“Not that I’m against the idea of you tattooing me, because I’m pretty sure that you must be damn good to be able to even work here, but I’m not sure when and if I decide to get another one...” You try to soothe him down but Jungkook just gets even more excited, already bouncy on his heels again.

“But then, when you’ll be ready, could I? Pretty please? I think I could come something pretty-, no I know that I can come up with something pretty. You have perfect skin and your design that you got inspired me a little bit. I’m sure I could do well, please?” 

You almost feel yourself blush because of his weird compliment, but you both are interrupted by Taehyung.

“Get in the line, Kook. I asked her first.” It’s childish, really, but Jungkook can’t help but pout at his hyung. 

“You get to tattoo people everyday, Tae! Let me have my turn!” 

You can’t help but laugh at the two of them, their friendship must be very special and it’s endearing to look at them. Jungkook must have forgotten that he’s going to tattoo people everyday soon enough as well.

“Okay, okay, Jungkook I’ll think about it, I promise. Now, I need my check up first.”

Jungkook nods with a big smile on his face, eyes crinkling a bit and front teeth showing, causing you to giggle at his adorableness. 

“He’s very persuasive when he wants to. Be careful, his cuteness is his main weapon. He uses it whenever he can at home.” Taehyung sighs quietly, a fond smile decorating his lips when you suddenly realize something.

“Oh! Are you two living together?”, you ask, genuinely curious about the two men. 

“Ah, yes. We’re in a relationship. Soulmates as they say. Bonded for life. Till death does us apart and all that romantic stuff. In the end, Jungkook can be a pain in the ass.” 

Your eyes widen at his confession. “You’re soulmates?” 

You sound so surprised that Taehyung chuckles. You obviously didn’t mean to sound rude,  you just genuinely didn’t expect that chaotic duo to be soulmates. 

Taehyung’s weirdly eased not to hear any judgement from you, even though he usually doesn’t care about the thoughts other people have about his relationship. On the other hand, he would probably be somewhat upset if you were one to judge his relationship - he really likes you, he’d even consider spending more time with you, even though he doesn’t know why. Something about you is just… interesting to him.

Taehyung’s still thinking whether or not he should include the fact that his relationship doesn’t only consist of Jungkook and himself, but on the other hand, maybe it’s not really needed at this point. He is pretty sure you wouldn’t judge him because of that, but as much as it feels like he knows you since forever, you’re strangers, barely even friends. He will keep this story for another time, maybe when the three of you get to know each other a little bit better. 

“Yeah we are. It was weird in the beginning, working together is very different from what we’re used to from our private life, but we just get to see each other more, neither of us is complaining about that. Yoongi doesn’t mind that either as long as we stay professionals - all in all: if we don’t fuck in the storage room again, we’re good!” Taehyung smiles and you can just feel his beaming happiness. 

Wait- the… the storage room? You can’t hide your chuckle because, yes, somehow, it sounds like something they would do, as weird as it sounds.

Taehyung makes it look effortless to be happy, you almost wonder if you could ever be that happy once you  meet your own soulmate. You try not to think of it too much though, it always leaves a bitter aftertaste. Many of the people that surround you have found their soulmates already while you’re one of the few to still be looking for them. You wonder if they are searching for you too and try not to imagine too many things like their gender, skin color or looks. None of that matters anyway. It’s all up to fate.

You know that you will love them for who they are. Because you do feel it sometimes, the loneliness. It’s suffocating, even oppressing but yet, you try your best not to think about it too much, to overcome it. You just have to hope that you will find the lost part of your soul soon, because you cannot wait to finally feel whole.

“Anyway! Any recent pain, something that I should be wary of, or worried about?” Taehyung asks as you remove your shirt, letting him see the healing ink on your skin. 

“Can I touch you?”  You nod as you answer. “Nothing really, I’m just always worried about accidentally hurting myself and destroying that masterpiece. But otherwise, I’ve been pretty good the last few days.” You try not to overthink his cold finger on your back that felt.. strangely good.

“Ah, I’m sorry, my hands are quite cold, I should have warned you. Well, it seems to be healing pretty well. The crust on it looks good too, I’m glad you didn’t peel it off. Have you been able to sleep correctly? Back tattoos are sometimes a pain in the ass during nighttime.” 

It almost feels as if he tries to ask trivial questions for you to loosen up, which you really do.

“I kind of figured it out, I thought it would be hell but it’s really fine. The first few days were eventful but otherwise, everything has been good, I’m not a back-sleeper anyways.” 

His fingers are gently following the black ink, featherly touching your skin, making sure that everything is alright. 

“That’s good. No weird discomfort, you didn’t faint back at home or anything? I remember my first tattoo and how horrible my blood sugar was afterwards.” You almost chuckle even though you know he’s serious, so you stop yourself right in time to answer instead. 

“Nope. I’ve been great. I thought the aftermath would be hard but it was surprisingly okay.” Taehyung smiles at that.

“That’s good news then. Some people look like they are big, buff men, able to get through it, but they call us the next day to tell us that they can’t get up without having a headache. For the majority of them, it’s only them stressing and their anxiety coming down after getting the tattoo. We still need to check on them, because it obviously could be something else, but it’s never happened so far. Getting a tattoo is pretty intense, it’s not something that everyone can handle, and that’s fine. We’re also here to make sure that everything heals without a problem. The aftercare is almost as important as the actual tattooing.” 

His statement makes total sense, keeping your anxiety and stress at bay can come back in a less comfortable way - you’ve already experienced that in the past. 

“Anyway, I don’t think you were too stressed before getting the actual tattoo to get any of those side effects. I’ve heard from people that have to vomit before their appointment.” Taehyung laughs while you feel a blush creeping on your cheeks. Is he referring to the week where you stood in front of the shop, before running away because you were freaking out? 

“Ah please that’s embarrassing.” His laugh is the only hint that he is indeed thinking of what you’re thinking too. 

“Well then, it looks like everything is healing just fine! You’re basically free from now on, even though we can always schedule another check up in a few months if you really want to make sure everything is fine, which I can probably tell you will be the case, but it’s up to you. I know that the first tattoo is a stressful experience, so I would understand if you want to come back. You can get a free touch-up as well, just call within the next six months and Yoongi will be there to do it for you.” His soothing voice is empty of judgement and you feel secure, able to ask for anything. 

“I should be fine, thank you for telling me, though. I appreciate it a lot.” You believe every word he says and it's comforting. You feel at ease, Taehyung is an easy person to talk to and you feel yourself loosen up more and more. 

“I’m glad.” His eyes are gentle, accompanying you as he watches you walk out of the room, going back to Jungkook, who seems equally enthralled when he sees you. 

“So, when should I schedule the next one?” Jungkook smirks cheekily, knowing that he is pushing it, but he really wants to see you again. For tattooing, obviously. Right. For the tattoo. No other reasons. Because there weren’t any.

“Jungkook stop trying to convince her to get another tattoo. She only gets one if she wants to. Go back on working on your fake skin if you’re that desperate.” Taehyung is quick at reprimanding him, even though it’s more playful than really upset. 

“Tae, let me convince her, will you? She just needs a little push. I know she wants another one. I see it in her eyes.” Jungkook wiggles his eyebrows, playfully looking at you, making you laugh as you see his wide smile. 

“Don’t be a brat about it, Guk.” Taehyung is doing some paperwork while you're trying to get yourself together. 

“Yes, Daddy”, Jungkook mumbles with a smirk. It takes a lot of strength from you not to laugh again.

“It’s alright Taehyung, don’t worry. Jungkook is probably right, though. I wouldn’t mind getting another tattoo. I'm just not sure what or when.” You grin when you see Taehyung’s surprised face. 

“See? I told you! I can totally draw you something Y/N, you can choose from any of my designs if you want.” Jungkook seems overly excited and you find yourself not being able to not think about getting another piece inked into your skin. God, what is he doing to you? 

“Y/N, are you sure? You don't have to, you know? You can always come back later.” Taehyung  smiles gently, giving you the chance to make your own choice again. A wave of comfort hits you and you start to wonder what it is about this man that makes you feel so at ease.

“I'm positive, Tae. Sure, it seems rushed and like I didn't think enough about it, which might be true. But, I really like Jungkook’s idea. If I like none of his designs, I can always say no, right?” You still ask, just in case, because you’d be crazy to sign up without any withdrawal possibility. 

“Of course you can. Anything else would be illegal. I'm pretty sure Jungkook will spend hours on it, making sure that you’ll find something that you like, but you can always refuse.” Jungkook is already mumbling his ideas, making a list on a piece of paper that he found on the desk. You both lost him already and the realisation makes you both chuckle. He is endearing as well. 

“When should I come back then?” You ask curiously, tiptoeing, trying to see his schedule as he checks when he could book you. 

“Well, would you like both Jungkook and I to work on it? Jungkook is not an official artist here, so he needs either mine or Yoongi’s approval before tattooing, but we also need yours, obviously. Let me reformulate that, it sounded like Jungkook was not pro enough to tattoo you on his own. The actual question is, do you trust Jungkook enough for him to have a part of the tattoo, more than just the design? He definitely can, but only if you agree. It would be the best for him to practise, though. I’ll be on his side all the time, making sure he doesn’t mess anything up. He has practised on fake skin a lot, he knows what he’s doing.” You hear Jungkook mumbling again that you already agreed on it. But you know that Taehyung is asking because Jungkook is only an apprentice, and as talented as he is, he still needs your consent before anything. 

“I’m 100% positive, no worries about that. That’s the whole point of it, him actually having real skin to work on, right?” 

Taehyung smiles happily, he knew that you would say so, but hearing it directly from you is reassuring.  “Good. Then, I have some free space in three weeks. It's a Saturday at 11 AM, are you free for us?” He shows you the time slot that is available and you mindlessly nod, noting it down in your phone as well. 

“So, I'll see you both in three weeks?” You look at them, silently waiting for one last smile, you wonder why you crave to see one on both of their faces before leaving, but you brush away the thought quickly.

“For sure! Take care of yourself Y/N, we’ll see you in a bit!” They both smile and you suddenly feel accomplished, you don't even know why, but it feels right. And you can't wait to be back, glad about the fact that your bank account won’t hate you this time. 

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[treestargarden]

wonder egg priority, episode 6, “punch-drunk day” analysis under the cut

tw: child sexual abuse, grooming, suicide mention, rape denial

the haters

these guys are freaky. akka claims they are created from the envy and spite the seeno evils feel against ai and the other girls for being “heroic.” i have a feeling these are meant to be metaphorically either people who want to obstruct healing or the thoughts in survivors heads that obstruct the healing. like a person vs self or person vs person plot device for conflict. 

akka says “you have done too much in this world that makes you noticeable.” ai and the other girls have been successful in their egg worlds that the enemies have “evolved” or leveled up to obstruct their success. its kinda of like the concept in therapy where it gets worse before it gets better, right? 

for instance, i can remember when i first started being honest about my childhood trauma with a previous therapist. i was definitely making leaps and bounds in recovery, but i hit a rough spot in the middle of my treatment where i didn’t sleep for days because i actually had several nightmares about a) dying and b) the person killing me was revealed. after getting through this tough time, i stopped having as many nightmares, but it was definitely an obstacle in my healing. i felt like... my assailant was reaching into my psyche and literally ripping my progress away. 

in a way, that’s what the haters are like. they see that ai and co. are getting progressively better with their wonder eggs, so the seeno evils have evolved to try to obstruct that progress. 

yae

yae opens up to ai, admitting she killed herself, because she sees too much. ai immediately compares this to the movie “the sixth sense,” to which yae admits frustration that nobody believes her (it isn’t a fantasy, so why would it be compared to a piece of fiction). 

yae’s killer manifests in a very similar fashion; ai is unable to sense the killer at all until its too late. but it isn’t until ai is directly attacked by the killer that she believes yae’s frustration, hurt, and trauma--she immediately recognizes the issue as similar to her own with mr. sawaki (which will be addressed next). the metaphor with this wonder egg girl is that when it comes to traumas or hurts that have happened to individuals, many people outside of those events tend to question the sanity (putting yae in a mental hospital) or disregard the survivor’s claims (momoe claiming mr. sawaki is a good person, simply because they are related). in some cases, survivors are only believed by survivors of the same prepetrator (why ai finally understands the hurt yae feels /after/ she is attacked by the invisible killer). 

what’s interesting about yae’s character is she is often seen finicking with her prayer beads (they look like jade). at one point, closer to the end of ai’s fight with the invisible wonder killer, yae throws her prayer beads at ai. as ai reaches out for the beads, the killer is visible. this can easily portray that sometimes our comforts (or coping mechanisms) are what makes our healing harder (i’ll go into more detail when i talk about mr. sawaki). BUT that these... “items” illustrating coping can be used by another person to aid in our own healing!

what i mean is that... consider yae’s beads as the cause of her seeing too much. because nobody else has her specific prayer beads, nobody else can see the things she has been traumatized by. but when she “offers” her beads to ai, ai can use them to see yae’s wonder killer! once she she’s the wonder killer, ai can kill them and save yae. 

essentially, what causes a survivor pain can be utilized by another person to assist a survivor in healing. 

mr. sawaki

god this part gets complicated. 

so momoe constantly tells ai mr. sawaki is a good man and that ai has it all wrong! they are constantly denying ai’s grief and pain and trauma. this is very similar to yae’s experience--people denying yae’s trauma existed in the first place, that she was crazy, or seeing what wasn’t actually there. 

if we recall, ai never specifically had a relationship with mr. sawaki other than him being the school counselor. there was a small scene in this episode, though, when he complimented ai’s eyes. i posit it was probably during an “art session” early on with ai. 

i felt... wronged... by neiru’s accusation that ai had a crush on mr. sawaki when she admitted she didn’t want her mom to date him. abusers can be charming, especially when they have been grooming a child. and it can be... confusing feeling soft towards a person even if you know what they are doing to you feels wrong. i’m not sure what else to say to this effect, so i’ll move onto my next point about ai and mr. sawaki. 

it was... really out of left field that ai decided to go back to school, even more out of left field that she decided to tell mr. sawaki about her decision. but then i gave the episode another watch before writing this all out. remember what i said about yae giving her bracelet that was causing her own hurt to ai so that ai could help yae?

basically, up to this point, ai’s coping mechanism has been to stay home from school. to avoid seeing mr. sawaki. but now that its a possibility that he will be dating ai’s mother, its a lot more... likely that ai would be seeing mr. sawaki more often at home than she would at school. he would visit her home once a week, but if he was dating ai’s mother... it could easily turn into more frequent visits for longer and more uncomfortable periods. 

ai probably recognizes this possibility, and so she decided to go back to school, where, yes, mr. sawaki works, but she may a) not have to see him the entire time or b) there will be people around when she does see him so it would be “safer.” 

its also possible that at school, she won’t be as isolated as she was at home, and can begin looking for help in other ways, too. i’m very interested to see where this goes. 

akka and ura-akka as game masters

so obviously the writers are familiar with madoka magica, right?

jokes aside, akka and ura-akka are very analagous to games masters. they aren’t competing themselves, but they do have a hand in the game. they provide the girls with a game to revive (so they say) their dead friends. they have the power to provide the girls with tips, “power-ups,” and other such tools while in their wonder egg worlds. 

basically, the 2 act as gods controlling the environment the girls interact with in the wonder egg worlds. its already been established that the akkas can shapeshift (very beginning when ai meets akka as a beetle). the mannequins are a... simple form they take on that is both human (in form) and inhuman (not alive). both familiar and unfamiliar. they create the wonder worlds based on each girls’ specifici experiences (familiar) and add fantasy and horror elements such as the bosses, the seeno evils, now the haters (unfamiliar). 

the akkas are definitely neutral in this scenario; constantly upping the ante for the girls, but also providing feedback and tools when they feel they need it. the akkas don’t necessarily wanna see the girls win, but they also don’t want to see the girls lose. basically, they just wanna see how far they can tests the girls’ wits, attitudes, problem-solving, persistance, etc. i’m not so sure, personally, the girls will get their friends back, i think its just a convenient lie to see how far they can push humans. 

[timextoxhajima]

Playlist Feels

Member: lee jaehyun aka hyunjae from tbz cause i feel like there are too many jaehyuns around now ;_; my heart can’t take too many perfect men of the same name

Genre: COLLEGE... CRUSH? idk this is probably gonna be my most crack piece (you can already tell by the track)

Word Count: 4.3k

A/N: I wrote this at like 1.30am so please bear with me lol my inspiration always come in the middle of the night because it’s so quiet and conducive 

this will be a one shot cause i’ve got no fucking clue how to make it into a series/short novel without an actual conflict/angst/drama involved :”) if you’re a writer and you see this and you want to make a 2nd part or something, BE MY GUEST

lee hyun jae. 

who was he to me?

oh, i don’t know.

just the prettiest but handsomest man alive. if that’s even a word. 

he’s always surrounded by like, eleven other boys who are also good-looking and talented in some way or another. 

god must’ve invested his entire life into crafting these fine, fine specimens of men to be placed on earth.

maybe there was a mix up somewhere and they were supposed to be angels or demi-gods and god just fucked up. 

but i’ve got no complaints. 

i’m satisfied that i get to feast my eyes on such a gorgeous, rare, one-of-a-kind version of a person i’m sure exists nowhere else in the world. 

he’s known for being one of the most caring ones of the group. he’d make his friends laugh but watch out for them at the same time. he’s so easygoing, i wonder if he’d smile at me if i tripped him over or something. 

you might think i’m exaggerating. 

well,

i’m not.

so who am i to him?

sadly, nobody.

harsh truth.

there was absolutely nothing wrong with the man. there was a lack of flaw, and that was literally the only flaw he had. if it could even be considered as a flaw. i could spend my seconds, minutes, hours, days, just staring at him. it was so unfair that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM.

sometimes it pisses me off.

it kind of pisses me off that he doesn’t have a girlfriend despite half the school simping over him.

i mean, who wouldn’t? just look at him.

there have been rumors flying about that he was gay or something. 

doesn’t matter if he is gay though.

it simply hurts to know he’s not dating anybody.

it’ll be such a waste if such a man ends up living a life alone. a waste indeed.

so what was it that was stopping me from putting that destiny of his to a screeching stop?

well, there was just one problem. 

“hELLO, earth to y/n?” the sudden waving in your face with the heaviest textbook in your curriculum snaps you back into reality. 

“which one of the twelve are you thinking up some magical fantasy over now?” your best friend frowns at you, the vein on her arm popping from the weight of the fat textbook. 

“ah-- it doesn’t matter who i’m daydreaming about, let me have my moment, would you?” you lean back in your seat, disgruntled at her telling you what not to do with your own imagination. sometimes it was difficult to look at her without seeing all the little hints of lee hyunjae in her.

they had the same nose, but that was it. honestly, it was a miracle you just happened to make friends with one of the prettiest girls in school, and good for you, she ended up becoming your friend and stayed in that position for more than a decade. naturally, she was upgraded to the ‘best friend’ title. 

the biggest issue you had with lee hee jae was that she hated her brother getting so much attention, and she has always condemned him about it. 

which was pretty ironic, given the number of love letters that show up in her locker everyday.

but thanks to her cold, a-little-more-than-mean superficial personality, most guys don’t have enough of a pair to talk to her in person. sure, she won’t hesitate to stab a bitch, but you knew her well enough to know that if the love of her life, son young jae, were to suddenly sprout feelings for her and confess, she might just nose bleed and pass out. 

but does she know you have had the biggest, fattest crush on her older brother?

no. 

she’d kidnap you and torture you and brainwash you to unlike him. 

maybe that’s why he hasn’t got any girlfriends.

“you’re zoning out again,” she snaps her finger in your ear and the sharp click jumps you. you bare your teeth in annoyance and feign a hit towards her, but she doesn’t flinch. 

your little high school crush on her brother wasn’t getting any weaker as the years went by. in fact, it’s been getting stronger. now that you’ve seen the way he treats his friends, how kind and considerate he was, not to mention that body-- well--

let’s just say you went from just appreciating his face, to everything in general. it was only a matter of time before she finds out that the one man you were simping over out of the eleven boys was her brother.

of the eleven boys, it just had to be her brother.

“hee jae,” you pull out a pencil and start to randomly doodle in your notebook. “haven’t you ever considered talking to eric?” 

she shoots you a death glare, but you’re used to it. 

“i thought we agreed not to speak of this in school!” she leans into you and hisses, eyes piercing right through your head. if her eyes had lazers, your head would’ve been blasted off completely after years of her angry glaring. 

“no, but eric just seems so... chill, y’know? he’s either cleaning his table and packing his stuff or outside playing baseball, there’s literally nothing stopping you from talking to him.”

she rolls her eyes and snatches your pencil away from you in a bid to piss you off so you’d stop talking.

“give it back--” you snatch the stationery from her and hiss at her like a cat. “you’re literally in the damn baseball team with him. it’s not that difficult to make up a story and start a conversation with him.”

“ha,” she’s finally mastered the art of fake laughter. “easy for you to say. you simp for all eleven of them and can’t choose one for you to worry about it like i do.”

that was fun to hear.

“well, forget eric,” she waves it off. “are we doing anything after school?”

anything but going to your house. i don’t want to be stuck under the same roof as your brother, my heart would get a seizure and i’ll probably die on the spot.

“my mom’s making crepes today, and i know you love that shit,” hee jae snickers, pulling out a baseball from her bag and throwing it into the air and catching it. 

“aw, man... not the crepes,” you pout and side eye her, leaning back into your seat. 

“why are you so uptight about going to my place? you’ve been there a billion fucking times, you literally live there now.”

that’s cause i’m only over when your brother isn’t around!

“ugh, okay fine. but i gotta dash home first to grab some homework. i left some of it at home ‘cause i wasn’t expecting an invitation today.”

she squeals, showing you a part of her that nobody else has the privilege of seeing. “sick,” she gets out of the seat she dragged to yours and brings it back to where she took it from. “call my home number and tell me you’re on your way before you leave your house!”

you nod un-enthusiastically, waving her off before she leaves the classroom and returns to hers. 

you were finally back at home, showered and changed into comfortable clothes while you shoved all your homework into your bag. you leave your parents a text to tell them that you’d spend the afternoon and evening at heejae’s so they don’t have to worry about your dinner, then you dial her home number.

the phone was on it’s eighth ring, and you were already one foot out of the door. usually, it doesn’t take her that long to pick up the phone.

“this little bitch invites me over and doesn’t pick up the damn--”

“hello?”

your grip tightens around your phone and you stumble out of your house, the door swinging shut behind jumps you and you process the voice on the other end of the line. 

“uh--”

“is this y/n?”

“uh... yeah, this is she.”

he knows me?

shut up, of course he knows you. you’ve been friends with his sister for a decade!

“oh, okay, cool. heejae’s in the toilet right now and she said she’ll get it but i couldn’t stand the sound of the phone ringing.”

“ah...” your voice trails off, unsure of how to respond. you were just preoccupied with how soothing his voice was, and just imagining his face with the phone to his ear on the other line was just so--

“hello? y/n? you there?”

“yeah, yeah, sorry i was... crossing a road.” you weren’t even moving; you were just planted into the pavement like a tree. 

“actually, why don’t i go and pick you up? your place is on the way to the shopping mall and my mom just told me to go get some groceries, do you want to tag along? we can head back to my place afterwards and you can get the crepes you like.”

where in the world was he getting all this information from?

“uh--” you stammer into the receiver for the billionth time. he must think you have some kind of speech problem by now.

“you know what? just hang tight for a few minutes. heejae’s still in the bathroom so she doesn’t get a say in what i do if i decide it without her presence,” you hear him walk around on the house and call out for his mom to tell her he was leaving for the shopping mall. “you live on 31st avenue, right? the white house with the blue roof?”

“uH--” you really need to get a grip on yourself.

“i guessed. hang tight, i’ll be there in a sec! see you!”

hyunjae doesn’t bother to wait for you to hang up before he does. the line goes dead and the beep nearly deafens you, but you couldn’t believe your ears. you were about to be in the same vehicle as lee hyun jae. one of the most popular boys in school, the handsomest man alive, the love of your li--

whoa.

too fast.

you shake the nonsensical daydreams out of your head and walk back to the steps of your door. while waiting, you can’t help but to let the quiet crush on him run your mind recklessly. 

what if he was just messing with you and he’s just chilling at home? what if he knows that you have a crush on him and he’s just having fun? what if he thinks you’re weird for hanging out with his sister? what if he’s caught you staring and he thinks you’re a creep? oh my god, what if heejae’s told him embarrassing stories about you and now he’s going to poke fun at you with that? 

you stare blankly at the little weeds in the cracks of the pavement, the thoughts in your head running wild as you slowly convince yourself he’s not going to turn up. 

but the familiar silver family car rolls up at the end of the pavement, and the windows roll down to reveal hyunjae in sunglasses wearing a simple white tee-shirt. 

“did i keep you waiting?” he pushes down his sunglasses and looks at you over the rim, one arm dangling outside the window. 

you shake your head, suddenly losing all ability to speak. 

“alrighty then, get in. we’re heading for the shopping mall.” he nods his head towards the car, retracting his arm back into the vehicle. 

your heart was thumping so aggressively and so loudly you were sure he could hear it. hell, he could probably see it. 

“how’s school? i haven’t seen you around back in my house after... what, about five years? you were always around when i was out, if i didn’t know better, i’d think you were avoiding me,” his voice was so alluring, you had to constantly remind yourself that he was actually saying something.

“uh-- well....” 

come on, say something. anything.

“i guess god just doesn’t want us to meet.”

no, it’s because you were avoiding him. what the flying fuck was that?

he laughs heartily, his teeth catching the light of the afternoon sun and glistens in your vision. “if that’s the case then god really needs to give me a break.”

your little-crush-on-him morphs into a tiny character in your head and it starts yelling at you. did he just say what you think he just said?

“no, i mean,” he glances at you, hands still on the steering wheel once he notices you’ve gone eerily silent. “i would’ve spoken to you and tried to be actual friends with you sooner, but heejae never wants me talking to her friends. you can imagine how she is with her best friend.”

you sigh heavily, the mention of your best friends’ name loosening some knots in your stomach. “lee hee jae is just something. not sure what, but something.”

“it does baffle me to think about how you put up with her for what, nine years now?”

you were looking out the window, and the idea of being in the same car as hyunjae doesn’t seem as tormenting as it seemed once you realise the best support you’ve had for the last ten years was lee hee jae. 

“eleven, actually,” you say without looking at him, eyes zeroing on a couple walking a dog on the pavement by the road. “yeah i guess she can be a handful sometimes, especially with how cold and mean she is on the outside...”

the car stops at a traffic junction.

“but put her in front of one guy and she’ll pass the fu--”

“‘one guy’?” he interrupts.

your eyes widen and you suck your lips between your teeth, wincing a little to yourself when you realise what you just said. 

“lee hee jae has a crush on someone?” you hear him scoff and a brotherly chuckle rushes out his lips. “do you know who it is?”

you were about to protest and stop him from trying to dig the information that you nearly disclosed, but he interrupts you again.

“y’know what? don’t tell me. i’ll guess. i’ll just watch your reactions while i’m at it.”

you grit your teeth and tighten your temples. you don’t realise how sweaty your palms were until your phone slides out from underneath your skin when the car starts to move. 

“is it kevin? no wait-- doesn’t feel like it.”

is he going to just start talking on his own until he finds someone he thinks suits her and then look at my face to read my expression?

“i don’t think she’s the kind to go for someone older than me or my age. so that takes sangyeon, jacob, younghoon-- is it younghoon? no, it’s not... ah, no matter how i think about it, someone nearer your age pops up. haknyeon, sunwoo, eric. it’s one of the three.”

that wasn’t so hard. hee jae must be easy for her brother to read.

“are you really going to let me play this elimination game alone?” he raises a brow and turns the wheel, driving into the car park of the shopping mall. the little gesture causes your heart to involuntarily skip a beat, and you could see his eyes folding even behind the sunglasses when he turns his head.

“your sister would kill me if she knew i even started this conversation, so i’m just refraining from deepening my grave.”

you hear him laugh through his nose. “relax, i’m not going to tell her you said this. i’ve seen the way she looks at us whenever we’re in school. she gives me a look of disgust but she always reserves a blush on her cheeks for someone. i just can’t put my finger on who it is.”

“you mean you notice the way she looks at you and your friends? that’s a little weird.”

the car starts to reverse into a parking lot and he pulls the gears into parking mode. there was a short silence in the air as he lays his finger on the start up button of the car and he turns to look at you, now without the sunglasses to block your view of his eyes.

“you’d be surprised that i notice a lot of things.”

he flashes you a smile and reaches for the door on his side, pushing himself out as if he didn’t just expose both you and your best friend. 

you were just tailing hyunjae while he told you what was on the grocery list, and you start filling the basket. he doesn’t stop guessing though, but the entire time spent with him only made you feel like he was so comfortable to be around.

besides his pretty face, of course. 

you were waiting for him to pay for the items while you stood outside when heejae’s caller ID showed up on your phone screen.

“where the hell are you?”

“hello to you too,” you roll your eyes. “your brother said he was going to get me and now we’re shopping for groceries before we return to your place. didn’t your mom tell you?”

“what? no, she didn’t. she just told me he went out to get groceries.”

“huh?” you look over your shoulder to see hyunjae paying the cashier. “are you saying that your mom lied about me?”

“now, why would she do that?”

“she’s your mom, not mine. why don’t you ask her instead?” 

hyunjae picks up the grocery bags and walks towards you, looking into them and making sure he didn’t miss out anything. 

“this is so fucking weird. where’s hyunjae? pass the phone to him,”

“we’re done, let’s go.” hyunjae stops by your side, noticing that you were on the phone. 

“don’t you dare hang up on me, pass the phone to him!” hee jae screams into the receiver. you wince and pull it away from your ear, shooting hyunjae a look of slight confusion as you hand him the phone. 

“it’s your sister.”

he sighs and places the bags on the floor, wiping his hands on his pants before taking it. 

you could hear hee jae screaming at him on the other end, but hyunjae’s face doesn’t change one bit besides that sweet smile plastered to his lips while he let his sister berate him. hyunjae got bored extremely quickly, and he was already removing the phone from his ear while he repeated the word ‘bye’ into the receiver. 

he hands the phone back to you and hangs it up for you, picking up the bags and heading back to the car. 

by the time you reach the road right outside their house, heejae was standing on the porch, anxiously tapping her foot on the wooden boards. 

“oh, no,” he groans, looking out the window and observing heejae like she was a lion in the savannah. “well, just another day for us people who have to deal with miss lee.”

he says so coyly, pushing himself out of the car and going to open the door of the backseat. you help yourself out, and heejae storms toward you, fists balled by her side and steam coming out through her ears.

you thought she was going to scream at you for accepting a ride from hyunjae, but she dodges you and opens the backseat door opposite hyunjae to yell at him in the car. 

“what made you think it was a great idea to pick her up? didn’t we have a deal that both our friends were out of bounds to each other?”

wait what--

“yah, lee hyunjae!” she yells at the top of her voice as he ignores her, pulling out of the car and walking towards the house. “we had a deeeeeaaaaaaal!” 

you grab onto heejae and turn her around, trying to peel her attention away from her brother and to you so you could get a grasp on what she just said.

“did you just say what i think you just said?!” you blink in surprise at her, and the thought of hyunjae finding an excuse just to spend time with you melts you into a puddle of hopeless goop. 

“no,” she says with a stern face, lifting a finger and pointing at you in the face. “no.”

“well--” she yanks herself out of your grip and turns to the house. “what’s so bad about dating your siblings’ friends? you like eric.”

she literally screeches to a stop and turns around with eyes that were burning. honestly, it was pretty funny to see her so riled up, knowing that she wasn’t angry at you. she was angry with hyunjae for... whatever he did, and the fact that she just had to fall for someone in hyunjae’s circle of friends. it was a slap in her face, or whoever thought about the no-dating-siblings’-friends pact.

“is that why you don’t want to talk to eric? because of this... deal?” you raise a brow, entertained, completely forgetting that there was the slightest chance that hyunjae might’ve been looking for an excuse to hang out with you, and he had just succeeded.

she had no words, but her silence was enough to let you unpack the situation.

“ah... i see,” you fold your arms across your chest and smirk at her. then you remember you were standing right outside lee hyunjae’s house. this was your chance to dig the information out from her. “so if this deal is stopping you from talking to eric, then is it safe to assume that it’s similar for hyunjae?”

you could see her bottom lip quivering upon your question, as she realises that you’ve finally found out why she was keeping a distance from her own teammate. but her silence also pushes you further into confusion. does that mean--

“look, you can’t date hyunjae, okay? i forbid it. the last time a girl dated someone in that group of friends of his, they broke up because she got bullied by other girls in school. i told hyunjae he wasn’t allowed to date any of my friends so i wouldn’t need to beat the fuck out of any bullies and get myself expelled,” she huffed and hugged her torso. “and i made him agree to that deal by promising him that neither i nor any of my friends would date his.”

you shake your head, fingers pressing into your temples and hair while you let the story unfold from her narration. 

“my mom didn’t tell me about him going to get you because... well... he--”

“i like you!”

your heart stops and you think your blood stopped flowing through you as well. heejae’s head snaps back to look at the house and the source of noise, and she pulls out a shoe to hurl it at hyunjae. 

“ah--!” he starts yelling once she reaches him with the shoe. “let me at least try, god damn it! sunwoo only let his girlfriend get bullied because he’s a dumbass-- ow! but i’m not gonna let her get bullied, i promise!”

you slowly turn your head to see hyunjae trying to dodge every hit, and he starts running away from her and toward you. he pulls you in front of him so you were standing between him and heejae, who was holding onto the shoe so tightly, her knuckles were turning white. 

“y/n, take a chance with me, would you? i’ve always noticed the both of you looking at us but it always bothered me that i have no idea who either of you are looking at--”

he dodges a side swing, and your view of heejae trying to reach him was pretty hilarious, if you weren’t acting as his shield. 

“what makes you think she’ll say yes?! she can’t even choose--”

“i do, heejae,” finally, you’ve decided to shoot your shot. heejae freezes with the shoe in mid-air, and hyunjae’s hold on your shoulders tighten. “i’ve only said i can’t choose only because i didn’t want you to know that it was your brother i liked.”

you couldn’t believe what was coming out of your mouth. all that effort to keep it hidden only to expose yourself infront of both heejae and her brother at once?!

she looked like she wanted to slap you with the shoe now, and you flinch when she shifts, closing your eyes to brace for impact. 

but it doesn’t come. 

you open one eye and look at her, and she looked like she’s completely resigned to fate. she shakes her head like your mother would when you did something stupid, and she squats to get her shoe back on her feet. 

“i give up,” she grunts, shoving her feet into her shoe and tying the laces messily before standing up again. “of all eleven of them, him?” she raises an agitated brow and points to the boy hiding behind you. 

“it wouldn’t have been so annoying if it had been one of his friends, but him?!” 

you turn back to look at hyunjae, who was giving you puppy eyes as if he was already your boyf--

too fast. 

“does it look like i chose to like him?” you pout, hands reaching out to her and trying to play for affection. 

“for fucks’ sake,” she groans, face palming herself. “now i’m going to look like a shitty friend and sister if i don’t let you two date.”

“on the bright side..” you pull her into a hug and tighten your hold, knowing that whatever you were going to say next was going to warrant another violent outburst from her. “if hyunjae and i date, that means the deal’s broken and...”

“you can talk to eric now.”

“AH! SO IT’S ERIC?!”

[shadyedydoc]

OF MAN,SCIENCE AND THE SUPERNATURAL : The Reality Wager

'.... A game is being played at the extremity of this infinite distance where heads or tails

will turn up. What will you wager?...'

Blaise Pascal (1623–1662)

It's human nature to deny forthright that which we don't fully understand, at least from our basic comprehension. Reality for us is the things we can see, that we can touch and that which can produce cause and effect in our physical world. That world and its reality is governed by laws of mathematics, physics and biology and chemistry.If we fail to understand something, initially we try to find explanations of it in terms of past experience and then attempt to understand how such phenomenon either obeys or disobeys the universal law of our nature and reality .

If we fail to find simple explanation or known mechanism or law that the phenomenon subscribe to,it is our default nature to simply ignore it as being un-real,fake, staged or at least illusory. However, in some instances there are certainly some who may have been convinced, because of their beliefs, to attribute such unexplainable phenomenon to the supernatural, divine or spiritual realms . Since time in memorial, these polar points of views between believers in the supernatural and believers of science have always clashed. Hence there has always been the debate on whether or not there are supernatural beings elsewhere in our universe or here on earth, but in another realm or dimension, and if at all it is possible to prove or disprove their existence using human reasoning.

The greater aspects of our life and existence in this reality has been shaped by the need to explain our very existence and the meaning and purpose, if any, that this life may have . It also is shaped by how we view the end of such a life (death) beyond just its medical or physiological definition, that is what possibly happens after someone dies .And given that death is universal and is an inevitability ,from time to time, every one of us does wonder what lies beyond this physical reality we are in. We were born with this inherent desire to continue living eternally, such that almost every one of us subconsciously, refuse to simply just resign and accept that death is indeed the ultimate end to our existence . That has modelled lives of many. Hence in most cultures world over, no matter how diverse our cultures and beliefs actually are, it is universally agreed that death is a gateway to another life or another realm from which we will continue that existence. Without a common, tangible and reproducible record or objective evidence of contact with any other reality other than ours beyond hearsay, folklore and religious teaching, many have dismissed with impunity any suggestions of some other medium of life existing parallel to our own shared reality. The issue has never been settled fully and convincingly in part due to a perpetual disagreement on, at least the methodology to employ and what actually constitutes acceptible, valid and indisputable evidence. Over centuries that realm of belief has been fertile grounds for all sorts of wild insinuations regarding what different communities suppose is the true nature of the 'afterlife' (should it even exist) and with it the spiritual realm. These have ranged anywhere from the most amazing, superfluous and awe inspiring life of eternal unimaginable comfort and bliss, to some truly horrific and scary depictions whose mere narrations is enough to give the most brave nightmares . And those beliefs and depictions have changed over generations of mankind, being shaped by human experience of happiness, love, pain and tragedy.

Those changing views have confused many to the point that their life in this world is spent in a figurative limbo, wondering what is to become of them, their family and their loved ones. This has led to this intense visceral fear of the unknown that accompany human death and even the mere mention of death and the ability of those in the beyond to influence the lives of the living.

We also have the need to explain why things happen. It's because in our universe, things don't just happen.That notion is supported by the physical laws governing our universe. Newton's second law of motion  says, an object at rest or in motion will remain at rest or constant motion unless otherwise compelled to do so by an external force. ( The law of entropy/ thermodynamics would disagree, but that's another argument for another day). Put simply, if i place a cup on a table, and lock it away for a million years, bar any physical degeneration over time, human instinct demands that i find the cup still in its place, if truly nothing has acted on it. Hence everything does happen for a reason.

That summarises our reality, frankly our nature and basic functionality demands absolute respect of the laws of causality and effect. So cause and effect are basically inseparable, and we will not easily comprehend or make sense of any object or phenomenon that does not  respect that fundamental fact.

That's why it is necessary even mandated to explain our existence and the existence of everything else. Hence many people attribute the very beginning of the universe to an external force that is certainly not limited by the laws of our reality, in an attempt to explain the causality of the existence of everything. Even if we do not know or have never seen such force /being, we can accept with ease the potential to the existence of something outside our nature (supernatural) and the realm of our own laws of the universe and our reality.

If a certain force /being( assuming matter and energy are as interchangeable in the spiritual world, as it does in our own universe) can live outside our own reality, we can extrapolate to the possible existent of other similar or even higher or more complex beings beyond our realm. The diversity of our lives, our past experience, religion, our environment including those who existed before us, has over the years shaped the progression of the idea of higher dimensional beings or forces and how they influence matter, energy and hence events in our reality. In turn that understanding of how much influence  the spiritual / supernatural realm wield over our own, has shaped how we relate and possibly revere the supernatural and how even live our own lives. Hence we see the plurality of deities revered by different civilisations transcending generations of human existence. From God's of Egypt, to the Greek gods , to belief in myths, legends, spiritual ancestors, saints, angels and demons. However, not how all of them have a common backbone, the belief that indeed there exists higher dimensions than ours and that the inhabitants of those realms wield real power and influence over our lives to alter at their own will any event in our reality. And generality of human civilisations since time in memorial has almost always believed in a God who is good or other forms of supernatural beings and deities of different capabilities.And also existence of equally but opposite force or being that mediate or influence the bad and the evil. That is the basic definition theism and follower of such a people who ascribe to that belief are called theists.

On the contrary in our current age of information technology and abundance of knowledge and resources, there has arisen a new class of people who have refused to just accept 'supernaturality 'as a plausible, competent explanation that holds water for that which the scientific knowledge at mankind's disposal, has failed to make sense of or even postulate at the very least.

This class totally and unequivocally reject the theistic notion that, in our universe we understand some things, but there is always that  which our lowly minds are, unfortunately not privy to, and should be left to the domain of beings of higher dimensions than our reality. That notion has been the basis for religion and culture.

So being against or anti theism this group, still believes in the same laws and science as most theists belive in, but that thought congruence is absolutel only for that in which the laws of nature are obeyed and explained by. From the point where our knowledge of science or our understanding of the physical nature of reality end , theism generally suspends the mandate for strict observance of laws of the universe as we understand them. They subsequently attribute all that which we can't explain to a higher being or beings. Whereas anti theism (or atheism/ atheist in short) still demand the same observance of the mandate to respect some aspect, if not all the laws of nature, even if we don't yet have a nanoscopic clue what that laws are.

So it's that aspect of our reality which science can't explain that is figuratively "free for all, free for thoughts and free from laws' that has literally shaped humanity for centuries. This 'space ' has been like a no man's land where anything maybe acceptable as being plausible , so long you can think of it, even without any evidence from 'multilayered randomised controlled' evidence for it in our shared physical experience. So long as you have invoke the name of God, Angels, demons Magic, the supernatural, ancestors anything indeed goes. Thus more often than not, that part of our lives has been a realm of personal experience and conviction, a realm of fantasy, religion, myths, legends, miracles and magic.Sadly it is also important to realise that most wars and human conflicts past and present have occurred due to perpetual and vehement differences in that realm of non standardised and nonreproducible free willy explanations of Cause and Effect.

Anything that humans could not understand was has been quite reflexively , considered as the works of a higher dimension that we don't know. While on the other hand those who hungered for and demanded explanations, examined and explored for possible reasonable and explainable scientific causality to disprove the theistic view .

That feud has only grown bigger even beyond being humongous, as each of the sides accuse the other of either blasphemy or ignorance. That chasm hasn't been helped by the fact that religion hasn't really changed much over the years in terms of core beliefs and principles .In fact, one can even argue correctly,that maintaining the core principles and beliefs despite a change of the environment over time is a necessity for a true believer who holdfast his convictions in the spiritual .

On the contrary science has seen exponential rise in the depth and breath of practical knowledge and has transformed the world from the Stoneage to the age of space exploration . Science has indeed improved quality of life for billions of people in a tangible, cause and effect compliable way and has improved the life expectancy globally. It has also provided simpler practical solutions to numerous questions and problems that in the days of old, would have been explained by the invoking the supernatural. And thus atheists often simply point towards the seemingly misdirected explanations especially in the past for some phenomenon that past civilisations wrongly attributed to either blessings or curses from the Gods, simply because they lacked the knowledge,the methods and tools to dissect and expagorate the scientific basis of such phenomenon .Those misinformed ideas of the spiritual is what has put off many and caused them to shy away from anyone who even mentions the name God.

However as the culture of exploration , describing everything in our environment and recording that information, data and illustrations and subsequently analysing the data for patterns, in a methodical way, gave birth to a method of analysing reality and phenomena that was reproducible. This meant that anyone who could  follow the steps required , could come up with the same results and possibly similar conclusions given the same or similar problem to solve. Coupled with practical usefulness in the real world of such findings, its no wonder many have started distancing themselves from spirituality.

As a result the Scientific method emerged gloriously . And great visionaries of that emerging way of life such likes Isaac Newton and many more were able to broaden their horizons from the atomic and microscopic levels upto cosmic scale. People could look down under the microscope and easily conclude with some measure of certainty that microscopic living organisms can cause diseases in humans.

Thus  pathogens that would have been easily missed by even most diligent observer lacking the necessary and appropriate tool at his disposal, were now clearly visible to an augmented human eye using a series of lenses that enlarged objects to a size our brain can appreciate and make sense of to draw conclusions from . Diseases were no longer afflictions from angry Gods or curses from bitter and avenging fores. They simply could be explained by the scientific method. For example Leprosy, once thought of as a punishment from the God's was simply and infection caused a bacteria, Mycobacterium Leprae and instead of offering sacrifices to appease the Gods, simple antibiotics would do the trick.

Around the same time, the idea that the earth was the centre of the universe(that comprised only the visible stars) with all other planets orbiting this seat of highest favour, created specifically for man who was made in the image of the almighty God was deeply engraved in people's beliefs .(Geocentricism)

But looking up through a telescope , suddenly true reality was unravelled . Consequently some of the bright stars in the night sky that were thought to be suns like our own, turned out to be just planets orbiting the sun not the earth. In fact the earth was also just a planet revolving round the sun as well ( heliocentricism) . To the other extreme the other 'stars' which wee thought to be like our sun, turned out to be hundreds of billions of galaxies with hundreds of billions of stars like our own sun, each with plurality of planets of different sizes and make up revolving in their orbits . Suddenly praying to the sun God Ra, the God Janus ( Jupiter), or the Greek God of love Venus didn't make sense at all.

The perspective had been shifted drastically to a more optimal vantage point. The magestic Sun God ended up being just a very hot pile of elements with energy emitting nuclear reactions at the core. Comparing it with other suns, indeed there wasn't anything uniquely peculiar or special about it. It was just an average sized and middle aged star occupying, not even the center of its own Milky-way galaxy . It certainly no longer made sense to pray to a planets or the suns or continue reading the stars because understanding their true reality tore down the veil of mystery that had concealed the truth for generations. Science demystified the greater chunk of what was considered Holy myths . In the end instead of celebrating those revelations, science became an obvious threat to religion . If science could explain everything it would

certainly narrow down the size of that 'no man's land' where religion and fantasy thrives in. To that end scientific propositions were met with anything from initial skepticism to frankly violent rejection of what the church leaders thought was a direct threat to the essence of their beliefs and their worship. Sadly some were indeed killed for defending the scientific basis for previously held beliefs that had been viewed as sacred and supernatural and only to be understood through the direction of the Holy church . Fortunately for us, some brave individuals persisted along that treacherous path of scientific enlightenment

Despite the very real threat of capital punishment hovering around them they soldiered on in strict solitude or sometimes in self or state imposed exile or in the favourable environment that some other kingdoms offered . Slowly science emerged from the shadows of secrecy and became mainstream. The hatred however did not simply vanish. The atmosphere of deeply entrenched perpetual enmity has been the basis for the tug of war between religion and science, as to which between them best explains the reality of our universe.

The exponential rise of science and technological advances has tilted the scales in favour of the Scientific method. As a result anything  explained in respect to ' spiritual, supernatural or divine'  has become harder and harder to speak of publicly without risking being dismissed as another religious fanatic who is ignorant of real knowledge.That has been so , especially in the last 1 or 2 centuries of scientific boom that culminated with men setting foot on the moon. To some staunch disciples of the scientific method, that proved beyond any reasonable doubt the only language capable of explaining the universe and of our reality is science through mathematics, physics and biochemistry , and any phenomenon beyond scientifically compatible explanations is either yet to be discovered/deduced or fallacious, but never due to a divine being or supernatural events . After all they reasoned that, by sending men to the moon, science had indeed conquered the heavens. That is to some extent understandable given our already alluded to, instinctive nature  to first hear, touch see,smell and taste for our mind to be satisfied that the need to understand cause and effect has been fulfilled within the laws of our universe .

However having set the stage for the times that we find ourselves in today science hasn't been enough to explain every part of our reality. And as long as there is an unknown, people will always speculate, and from speculation comes belief and belief births spirituality and spirituality will demand divinity. It from this point that reality diverge distinctly into a scientific path and a separate spiritual path.

I intend to propose a  third path or middle ground that encompasses both points of views by introducing an even stranger concept unifying science and the supernatural. In short I'm attempting to perform a' miracle' of sorts'  to move and superimpose two towering rival hills into one Ginormous mountain of perspective that traverses both worlds and goes higher than each separately would reach . But well, here goes....

In our universe, a shared perception of the world is what we call reality, and that reality is strictly confined within certain dimensions of reality , 3 of space(length , width , height ) and one of time. An entity in such a dimension has the capability only to move in those directions that is, up and down, sideways, right and left, and forwards and backwards.

But that reality is fixed in a singular direction of time meaning time moves predictably and invariably from the past to the future. And no other way. This means the past ' was' and is already set and remains unchangeable, while we experience life in the present, the 'now', moving to an unknown/open future of 'tomorrow' that has infinite paths or possibilities. Its that's combination in movement of the arrow of time and our movement in space and our interactions with other beings objects or forces in that shared Spatiotemporal reality, that we call life. Two important points arise,

Firstly, it is thus unimaginably paramount that we understand and remember, as i shall refer back in later parts of this discussion,  this basic but yet fundamentally eye opening fact of our universe, that the past and the present can shape the future but n the past cannot be altered .

Secondly , what we call reality is absolute and fixed in our minds . Meaning our brain can only comprehend sensibly objects, motion or phenomenon in that reality of the 4 dimensions(3 of space and one of time) we have or those lower.  Hence it is possible for us view a TV screen in (2D) and perfectly comprehend it with respect to our perfect perception of reality in the 3 dimensions of space .

Anything beyond that ie. Occurring in higher dimensions 5D, 6D  or maybe up 10D, we unfortunately do not have access to, and reality in those higher dimensions of space and maybe time as well, will certainly appear strange to us or unexplainable. So unless an existing higher dimensional Being manifests itself in our reality, in a way we can comprehend fully or may decide to elevate us by some transformation, to the higher dimension, we have to accept that probably WE CAN NEVER BE ABLE to see and understand those beings and those alternate realities even if they do exist.

So should they present to our reality, we will likely see objects exhibiting unusual phenomenon in respect to all our senses such that our brains won't even begin to grasp any of it. Partly because reality higher up may not be limited to the confines of our reality's fundamental laws meaning and those dimensions may well observe other laws that foreign and far superior than our own.They may well be able to manipulate time matter and space in ways that may perfectly be ordinary in their own higher dimension , but absolutely impossible and forbidden in ours. Subsequently we may easily think of such objects or phenomenon as being supernatural, miracles or divine . Hence falling right into that ' no man' s zone' that for most people has supernatural explanations and that our science simply can't explain as yet.

So it is very much possible that two individuals from our dimension but from two pollar beliefs, a devout staunch religious person and a strict atheist, may explain the exact same thing differently quoting differing beliefs to explain their shared reality. They would be both correct.

How so? And how would we know what happens in higher dimensions or even their existence?

Sciences comes to our aid by means of good old extrapolation. It has been proven that laws of nature that govern behaviour of 1d (point in space) ' 2d (line) and 3 d are universal and equally applicable. Hence by juxtaposing that behaviour and with the aid of universal mathematical laws and equations and sophisticated computer programmes we can formulate and possibly construct a 3D hologram of how objects in at least the 4th dimension would look like. Just like how we can project a 3D hologram on a 2D space. Hence we have been able to come up with some complex 4D shapes, popular amongst which is the tesseract, a 4 Dimensionsal cube whose sides are cubes themselves. You may remember the tesseract has been recently popularised by The MCU Comics ( Marvel Cinematic Universe) as a housing for containing a 'powerful infinity stone '  fittingly named the space stone.

It is quite simple for a reasonably performing computer to generate objects in more than our usual 3 dimensions of space , but for our mind, it is utterly unfathomable to comprehend what structure it could be and how a cube can possibly have 3D -cube sides. It makes no sense. Rightfully so because our brain will totally refuse to construct such a figure because it is strictly limited to objects in the lower dimensions that it has been conditioned to function in.

That is how strange higher dimensions objects or beings may appear to us should they visit us in our lower dimension. It would be something that our mind had never seen. Likewise imagine a reality where there are more than one dimension of time just like space.

In that reality an object can move in all the usual directions of space, but in addition time, there is added freedom of movement with respect to the direction of flow of time. Imagine the possibility, for example , of time pointing in both directions.

Meaning it would be possible to move back and forth in time, just as we can move back and forth on space, that is from the past and present to the infinite future and backwards from the future and the present to the past. Such a an ability to manipulate time can explain an object that has no beginning nor end and whose past may not be as fixed as ours. In our reality though we can only comprehend the present as an ongoing phenomenon and our brain keeps records of every as memories, and those memories are like snap shots or time frames on a long reel of an lengthy film(life) that are set in the immediate and to the distant past that we can go back to, only to think about but not alter .Each frame is taken as a certain point in spacetime continuum and progression of those frames sequentially with less that a plank length of time between each frame just as In playing a movie reel, is what gives reality its seemlessnes and time it's forward and sensible unidirectional laminar flow. However a being in such a reality with bidirectional flow of time can possibly comprehend time not as a series of single snaps shots at a time as we do. But It maybe possible to view the entire time line of a film from start to finish in one frame.

That means reality to such a being is that the past, the present and the future can exist superimposed on each other almost the in the same way we experience our present and our immediate past as a seemless flow if reality. That may afford those beings the unique and added ability to move back and forth time.

Strange as it may seem such realities and strange phenomenon can be a real possibility that is sensibly and entirely explained  by theoretical physics.

But looking at it closely from the other hill of perception, spirituality, I'm reminded of a biblical deity who is said to have no beginning nor end, who has been and will always be.A being like that can possibly be explained and understood in the concept and setting of a dimension with bidirectional or even higher degrees of freedom with respect flow of time. Where one can can go back to the past and go forward to the future infinitely .

A being who has the whole reality of our  past, present and future at his immediate glance as a single film reel of our entire time line, can simply be able to see in the future and 'prophecy' by simply relating what is apparent from his perspective of our reality but viewed from a higher dimension. So a supernatural God like being who is all knowing, able tell our past and our future, who is not limited by unidirectional flow of time and who apparently has no beginning nor end can for purposes of debate , possibly exist in such a dimension where time is not as 'fixed' as in ours . You may argue how time can be altered that way, when time is fixed, uniform and standardised in our reality.?

Actually the experience of the flow of time is not uniform in every point in space. There are some points where time moves quicker and some where time moves slower, the concept of Time dilation. Remember for us in our reality, we share the same bubble of space and experience almost the same gravity such that minute differences in flow of time are negligible at the functional  day to day scales. But in truth time is not perfectly uniform and can be warped by gravity, meaning the flow of time is not as fixed as our brain would have us think. The insignificant 0.000000001s (not actual figure) difference in how we experience the certainly illusory universal flow of  time has no net effect how we interact with earth other in real world terms for ordinary people . But for satellites in orbit that difference in strength of gravity ie warping of space by presence of the earth, is significant such that those small differences need to be factored in to have a accurate and synchronous time and universal global positioning system (GPS) to standardise our interactions on a global scale.

This all underscores the vast possibilities of realities that can still be perfectly explained within the domain of theoretical physics. As much as we have that inner drive and desire to consume knowledge and imbibe understanding of every tiny winy  itysy bitsy facet of our universe, sadly we have to appreciate the limitations of the confines of our dimension. No matter how desperately and genuinely we may want or how much we think we actually deserve to know, there will always be aspects of our realm that is beyond our privy.

Let me illustrate:

Edwin A. Abbott wrote quite an interesting fictional story is his book called Flatland. And i find it to be a perfect analogy to relate how we experience this reality vs reality in other dimensions. As a simplified working overview, the book talks about a 2 dimensional town  inhabited by 2D / flat shapes like the circle, triangle, square and so forth. Because of the fixed  dimensions in Flatland, movement is limited to forward backwards, right or left sideways or a combination of these .

All was well in 2D Town , till  a visitor from another dimension  came by . The visitor was the sphere from 3 Dimensional reality .

For the circle living in 2D Town, it is difficult to comprehend what this visitor is. He has never seen or even heard d of the sphere just the usual triangles, squares and occasional fancy polgons. From the perspective of the circle's reality, there is no way to be able to describe a 3d object in a 2d space.Only if the sphere would somehow uplift the circle into its own  third dimension, would it fully appreciate the strange manifestation.But through just description, one be able to glean some ideas concerning this strange shape.

As the sphere descends into the Flatland, the circle first notices a dot, that appears from nowhere as if magically.

That dot changes into a circle as the sphere lowers himself into flatland , which is unusual for towns inhabitants especially the circle.

The circle slowly grows bigger and bigger reaching maximum circumference at the equator. All very unusual and puzzling behaviour.

Then the circle begins to get smaller and smaller until a dot and a point appears which then vanishes as mysteriously just as it appeared.

For the circle all these phenomena of a shape that is changing in size and configuration from a point to circles of different sizes, are not naturally explainable by the laws that govern flatland. It could be said that it was a supernatural phenomenon or a miracle or magical, and that could certainly be an acceptable description of phenomena that do not obey the physical laws of reality in Flatland. Without having at the back of your mind the understanding of the possibilities of existence of other higher dimensions, such phenomenon would remain just a strange occurrence or we will simply refuse to believe and distrust our senses .

Yet in 3D world, the sphere has only moved down or up the axis perpendicular to flatland, a movement that is quite ordinary in 3D, but completely forbidden in 2D.It's only in 3 D or higher where the seemingly bizarre actions exhibited the sphere make sense So if you think of possible higher dimensions, you an easily work out and solve seemingly bizarre behaviour .

That underscores the importance of how much we realy know and understand about our very universe and its workings. What we may think is supernatural just like in the early days of scientific breakthroughs, may yet turn out to be another concept that we are yet to understand or maybe be normal behaviour in but manifest in higher dimensions.

The fact that we know very little about our reality explains why the universe is still  such a multi layered mystery.

In fact, even though science has transformed our life's to levels only once depicted in futuristic Sci-fi thrillers, it is sobering to realise that we have barely began scratching the surface of understanding the fabric of this universe. Imagine All technological marvels in all aspects of this human existence, . Compared to what we don't yet know, it's a tiny winy, itsy bitsy-est of what may be there. Imagine what we know but don't fully understand, the' known unknowns'.

Then further imagine that which we don't even know exist, 'unknown unknowns. That should be humbling enough to at a the least accept the possibilities of higher, spiritual or cosmic dimensions and beings that have access to our lower one. And demanding to see the evidence of

dimensions are higher than ours, may not be physically possible just as it is impossible for those in 2D Town to see a 3D sphere.

We have to accept the reality of such as physical handicap rather than as a ' Mystery' requiring spiritual revelation. On the other hand what theism describe as spiritual revelation may actual be the simple explanation of a higher dimension Being( God or Deity) enabling( revealing) a lower dimension(Earth ) Being to appreciate reality from the perspective of his higher dimension( spiritual / heavenly supernatural realm) . So it is perfectly reasonable and conceivable to under scientifically, A God, who resides in a spiritual or heavenly realm higher than ours, whom we can't see ourselves in our dimension unless he chooses to elevate us or to reveal himself to our realm, who also have access to our reality and can manipulate reality and matter in ways that can be considered strange / unknown / magical / supernatural while not being confined to the definitions of time from our perspective and who can appear to have no beginning and no end and has instant access to the whole reality of the entire history of human time line from infinite past to the infinite future.

So from the miniscule window of both perspective and human lifespan , through which the human race attempts to comprehend the whole workings of a vast universe, it is not surprising that we may not fully satisfy our desire to marry cause and effect in a way that is universally sensible to everyone in our reality of shared / common perception.

It may take hundreds if not thousands of years for the human race to may be understand just a plank length of it all. Maybe much much longer. Sadly the flicker of our presence in this reality is maybe meagre 60 years, or 80 years for the fortunate ones. And on the backdrop of the ' age' of the cosmos ( if ever there is a beginning and an end to it)

Currently we estimate that the observable (emphasis on observable) part of the universe, is around 13-14 billions of years. In general science has only around 200 or years since it officially became a standard model of unravelling the mystery of the cosmos. 80 years, an uppermost estimate in comparison to just the extent of what t we can see and what we may understand partly, means our very existence will definitely not afford us enough time  to have all our questions answered.

Besides constraints of time, size is another huge factor limiting our perspective.

Unfortunately it has been quite a toll  task to fully explain even our very existence in a way that is universally agreeable and reproducible. The mere complexity of even what we can see may even require a million or even a billion human lifetimes to someone grasp just a fraction of it all . If we can't agree on what we can actually see today , what of that which we can't see. What lies beyond the horizon of the 13 billion horizon? What other dimensions, or the possibly extra universes may be lurking around us.

Consider the famous picture, The pale blue dot. It's story will inculcate the perfect appreciation of how ignorant of the true extent of our reality and possibly the vastness of the cosmos( as Far we can see with current technologies ) .In 1977,NASA launched the robotic spacecraft Voyager 1, whose main mission what to explore the Jovial and Saturnarian systems and did it successfully encounter both in the years 1979 and 1980 respectively. Having completed its primary mission and was leaving the Solar System, it was commanded by NASA to turn its camera around, back towards earth and the centre of our solar system and take one last photograph of Earth across a great expanse of space.

This was at the request of one of the most celebrated astronomers, author and educator Carl Sagan (November 9, 1934 – December 20, 1996). A truly remarkable individual, he was an American astronomer, planetary scientist, cosmologist, astrophysicist, astrobiologist, author, poet.He is credited as the pioneer of science education and he took into the mainstream, the idea it is possible to teach the ordinary lay person  'rocket science'. The idea took root because of his genuine love for science and the burning desire to afford even the lay, a glimpse into the cosmological marvel is the Universe. Fittingly he wanted to be referred and remembered, not as great scientist, but as a Science Educator.

The popularity of his TV shows rode on the backbone of the prior numerous successful space missions both manned and manned that saw mankind extend his sights during the race and wars for space dominance.

The phrase "Pale Blue Dot" was coined by Sagan himself in his reflections on the photograph's significance and he subsequently documented it in his 1994 book of the same name. His popularity skyrocketed by the success of his award winning 1981 PBS show, The Cosmos. That feat thrust him into science stardom and celebrity status and he would influence emergence of a newer crop of science educators.

From March and May 1990, Voyager 1 returned 60 frames back to Earth, with the radio signal travelling at the speed of light for nearly five and a half hours to cover that distance.

Three of the frames received showed the Earth as a tiny point of light in empty space. Of the 640,000 individual pixels that compose each single frame, Earth takes up less than one pixel (0.12 of a pixel, according to NASA). After immense pondering and deep contemplation, the poet in him, in appreciation of what that picture struck at very the core of his being, famously remarked

'Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it, everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there--on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known."

— Carl Sagan

That deep poetic enunciation in essence, brought to light the  'after it is all said said and done' and perfectly depicted, not his knowledge in mathematics, biology, physics or astronomy, all which as a matter of fact he could indeed competently hold his own in, but his appreciation and genuine marvel at the universe. Above all with those thought provoking words, he engraved and cemented his name and his place in the annals of human history as a ' Science educator par excellent '.

It should dawn on everyone that in our insignificant little corner in the vast cosmos, it is nearly impossible to completely elucidate reality in its entirety.

Our situation can be portrait by the relationship of a mother and her unborn child. Suppose that unborn child had complete consciousness and mental capacity as with an average adult person. How much information about the true nature of its own reality would the baby be capable of comprehending? Would it be possible to truly identify itself as a distinct entity separate from its mother?  Would it understand where it is, what the medium of the amniotic fluid that surrounds, it truly is? Or why it is in there in the first place , how it ended up in there . Would that child be able deduce it's  anatomy, physiology and that of the uterus in which it lives ? What of the anatomy of its mother's body? How would the baby picture what a human being actually looks like? What of its relationship or dependency on the mother. Would the baby be able to comprehend every sound and the movement emanating from the mother's day to day routines?

Similarly we are born of this universe. In as much as both mountains of understanding disagree on the origin, mechanism and purpose of the universe and mankind in it, at least both agree that we came from the matter that constitutes our environment and beyond. We are made from stars that exploded aeons ago, whose dust coalesced and settled as planets and stars paving way for life to take root. The Bible says the first human pair was created from the very earth that we walk on.

That basically means we are products of this universe. And in as much as we can demand to know and understand everything around and within us, it may require an action or event that pulls us out of the confines of limited dimension and be figuratively ' delivered' into another realm or

reality that offers a far bigger perspective or vantage point to be able to comprehend it all.

At best, as it is, we can speculate or offer theoretical explanations that await scrutiny. Of which with some proposed theories , we don't even know where to begin or how to prove or disprove them. So long as the supporting math agrees.

Consider the following theory. The vibrating strings theory put forward as the Grand unified theory of everything even requires(not suggests) , the existence of upto 10 dimensions of space for the mathematics to make sense. But our brain we can't possibly begin to even comprehend exactly what those extra dimensions will look or behave like. Consider also how we have not yet understood what' space' really is. If you remove all air in a vacuum bottle, you are left with what our reality calls 'Nothing'. But that nothingness has eluded our understanding. What really constitute nothing. Its only after observing the behaviour of the 'something' (matter / visible tangible cosmos) that scientists realised that nothing or space is not really nothing in the sense that we use it colloquially to refer to emptiness.

That understanding didn't suddenly make sense in a single year or decade but spanning almost the whole century and involving multiple intellectuals who elucidated different parts of what we now understand as dark matter.

Dark matter is not so named because it is black or dark oi colour, but the denotes how our view of it , is devoid of any light. Put simply it is because we don't know what it is .Surprisingly it is said to constitute 80-85 % of all the matter in our universe yet we have no solid or tangible clues on what it actually is.

But everyone agrees it exists. How so,?

The reason takes us back to the time of one of most intelligent and decorated scientist to ever walk the earth, Albert Einstein. While solving the mathematical basis that proved his theory of general relativity, he noticed that at cosmic scales his equations broke down and hence required to be balanced by adding constant. He called it, the cosmological constant.What it meant was at jscales of galaxies and beyond his equations would describe universe that is unstable and that should have collapsed inwards on itself. But reality disagreed, the universe has remained stable for billions of years. From his understanding and perspective at this time he could only propose that the cosmological constant would solve that flaw. As you will see he wasn't waywardly wrong in his thought process. The mathematics was indeed correct and because mathematics don't lie he checked again and still came up with the same result.

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Space missions, including landing the man on the moon succeeded as testament to the validity of Einstein's theory of general relativity. Unfortunately conjuring up the Cosmological constant would later come back to haunt him. He would come to regard that decision to force his

equations to predict a stationary universe in keeping with the general understanding at that time , his greatest blunder. How so?

An astronomer, Edwin Hubble among his many achievements, managed to observe how light from further away stars tended to be red shifted. He deduced that the red shifting meant galaxies where actually moving away uniformly from it other. That law, Hubble's law dispelled the once universally agreed concept of a stationary universe. And he actually calculated the rate of the expansion of the universe.

Those observations by Edwin Hubble indicated that the universe appears to be expanding not static, this was consistent with a cosmological solution to the original general relativity equations that had been suggested by the mathematician Friedmann, working on the Einstein equations of general relativity. What Einstein had wrongly solved with the cosmological constant was essentially the rate of expansion of the universe. The universe did not collapse as predicted by his equations because it was not static. It was expanding

And allowing for an expanding universe as opposed to a static one, his original equations were correct. The mathematics do not lie indeed. But how he had interpreted correct information based on a skewed understanding of reality.

If one of the most intelligent individual in human history can be misled to make incorrect assessments because of a poor understanding of the true reality, what of the rest of the generality of average thinking humans?

Is it not presumptuous to completely denounce possibilities of juxtaposed realities based on way less than a plank length of information that we have at our disposal.?

It is only after combining Einstein's theory of relativity, Friedmann's mathematical solutions, Swiss astrophysicist Fritz Zwicky studies on galaxy clusters and Hubble's astute observations, that one can even begin to try to make sense of it all.

By taking multiple steps back, away from the proverbial elephant, the greater picture will come into clearer perspective. It became obvious that the universe was expanding as all galaxies were moving away from each other . Zwikys theory of Dark matter or dark energy that was pushing or accelerating all matter in the universe, then made reasonable sense. So we have never seen dark matter but strongly believe that it exist because of its influence on the behaviour of planets and galaxies. However it should not in any way escape our mind that it took knowledge gathered over multiple years, from different disciplines of Science and multiple individuals spanning a couple of overlapping generations, who were certainly at the pinnacle of their intellectual prowess, to build towards a better common understanding of  true nature of the' emptiness of nothing'.

That thirst for knowledge overlaps to our day as strides are made at the Large hydrogen Collider(LHC)at CERN, in Switzerland have proved fruitful in chasing the once quite elusive Higgs boson in proving the plausible existence of a Higgs field which may be a starting point in understanding what constitutes the fundamental fabric of the reality. So it is quite perfectly possible for a rational someone, to believe in the existence a God depicted in the Bible and at the same time subscribing to the scientific method.

In my personal capacity i have settled to the understanding that yes you can't successfully present the 'theory' of God and the supernatural through the current Scientific method of reasoning. However it is us who set the parameters of what should be considered reproducible and thus can holdfast against scrutiny of the discipline. And as we have seen, our perspective of what is reasonable reality actually is limited by laws of nature as prescribed by the rules of our 3dimensions of space and 1 of time. We are also a miniscule drop in the vastness of the entire cosmos.

There is also that which is around us though we can't see(dark matter and energy) , which is five times more abundant than all the matter in the visible universe. We also know that the visible universe lies within the limits of the 14 billion year period that the earth has been around for and that's the matter whose light can possibly reach us . Beyond that point of our universe's horizon, lies probably far greater things that will not be able to examine in our collective lifetimes. And then there are unknown unknowns. Matter, anti matter, energy, media of reality, dimensions, laws, disciplines of ' science' and probably vastly more may actually be lurking around us that we are unaware of either because we ignorant of their existence or we are just oblivious.

And even if we had just a glimpse into everything, the negligible few decades we individually live and few thousands of recorded human history will be like standing in a crowded market with your eyes closed then opening them up for tiny fraction of a second and expect to have fully comprehended every little detail of the market and everyone in it down the size of a grain of sand. The possibility of an average human achieving such a feat is in essence impossible. Yet those odds would certainly be dwarfed in comparison by any attempt to absorb the whole cosmos in a few decades or even thousands of years .

That and many other ideas presented above should indeed humble those who are truly open minded. Meaning before we speak of the nature of reality in absolutes of YES or NO terms, our vocabulary should be laden with words like maybe, possibly, probable. That shows we understand and acknowledge how very little we actually know. And it means we will not hastily disregard or refute that which we don't know. For it is those who admit ignorance who enthusiastically assume the responsibility and the drive to quench their thirst to continously marry cause and effect,while those who quickly fall back to the blinkered default of blissful oblivion of what they already know and understand, deny themselves the need to wonder and discover.

In the end, when all is said and done the conundrum that we certainly find ourselves into, can be best approached using seventeenth-century French philosopher, theologian, mathematician and physicist, Blaise Pascal's (1623–1662)  wager.

In it, Pascal’s  states that every person has to make a wager with his or her life as to whether or not God( hence the supernatural /spiritual beings / realm Pascal says).

He states,

..."God is, or He is not." But to which side shall we incline? Reason can decide nothing here. There is an infinite chaos which separated us. A game is being played at the extremity of this infinite distance where heads or tails will turn up. What will you wager? According to reason, you can do neither the one thing nor the other; according to reason, you can defend neither of the propositions.

Do not, then, reprove for error those who have made a choice; for you know nothing about it. "No, but I blame them for having made, not this choice, but a choice; for again both he who chooses heads and he who chooses tails are equally at fault, they are both in the wrong. The true course is not to wager at all."

Yes; but you must wager. It is not optional. You are embarked. Which will you choose then? Let us see. Since you must choose, let us see which interests you least. You have two things to lose, the true and the good; and two things to stake, your reason and your will, your knowledge and your happiness; and your nature has two things to shun, error and misery. Your reason is no more shocked in choosing one rather than the other, since you must of necessity choose. This is one point settled. But your happiness? Let us weigh the gain and the loss in wagering that God is. Let us estimate these two chances. If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation that He is.

"That is very fine. Yes, I must wager; but I may perhaps wager too much." Let us see. Since there is an equal risk of gain and of loss, if you had only to gain two lives, instead of one, you might still wager. But if there were three lives to gain, you would have to play (since you are under the necessity of playing), and you would be imprudent, when you are forced to play, not to chance your life to gain three at a game where there is an equal risk of loss and gain. But there is an eternity of life and happiness. And this being so, if there were an infinity of chances, of which one only would be for you, you would still be right in wagering one to win two, and you would act stupidly, being obliged to play, by refusing to stake one life against three at a game in which out of an infinity of chances there is one for you, if there were an infinity of an infinitely happy life to gain. But there is here an infinity of an infinitely happy life to gain, a chance of gain against a finite number of chances of loss, and what you stake is finite.. '

Pascal presents a situation where both the existence and non-existence of God are impossible to prove by human reasoning as is the conundrum of this discussion. In , supposing that human reason alone cannot determine the truth between the two options, one must "wager" by weighing the possible consequences of each choice. The assumption is that, when it comes to making the decision, no one can refuse to participate; withholding assent is impossible because we are already "embarked", effectively living out the choice.

We only have two things to stake, our "reason" and our "happiness". Pascal reasons that if there is "equal risk of loss and gain" (i.e. a coin toss), then human reason is powerless to address the question of whether God exists and with him a supernatural realm . That being the case, then human reason can only decide the question according to possible resulting happiness of the decision, weighing the gain and loss in believing that God exists and likewise in believing that God does not exist.

He points out that if a wager were between the equal chance of gaining two lifetimes of happiness and gaining nothing, then a person would certainly be an idiot to bet on the latter.

He then argues that it is simply unconscionable by comparison to bet against a possible eternal life of happiness for the possibility of gaining nothing. The wise decision is to wager that God exists, since "If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing", meaning one can gain eternal life if God exists and he live as if so , but if not, one will be no worse off in death than if one had not believed at all in the first place . On the other hand, if you bet against God, win or lose, you either gain nothing or lose everything.

If each one of us doesn't consciously make that wager, our actions will certainly do that for us as there is no escaping making that choice.

So if it is mathematically wiser to wager for existence of a supernatural being and also if we accept that like Jon Snow ( a character in G. R. R. MARTINs series of books, A song of Ice and Fire) WE INDEED KNOW NOTHING wouldn't it be wiser to rather choose a path that lies between Science and Spirituality.

Edwin Shadreck Mbereko

shadyedydoc@gmail.com

[an-ambivalent]

Hi, can i request a scenario? It's okay if you don't do it :) Can you make depressed and lonely yandere! Artist! Tae falling in love with his s/o? Thank you :")

Hello! Sorry this took ages, and this turned out to be quite different to what I thought of writing it as, or you requested. Sorry about that :’D I hope you still like this though! 

This is very slightly loosely based off Barbie as Rapunzel 

Warning: As this  contains yandere themes, the characters display behaviors that can be triggering or uncomfortable to read. Read at your own risk. This work is purely fiction. I do not believe any of the mentioned members would display any sort of this behaviour irl, nor do I condone this sort of behaviour.

Pairings: Yandere! Taehyung x Reader | Yoonji x Reader

Word Count: 4.9K

Xanadu Of Strokes

Art was a peculiar thing – it was such a broad term that held significant meaning and value to many. But at the same time, it was also perceived as an insignificant subject with no worth, and seen as a complete waste of time. One person may believe that art is mere sketching, while most tend to have a general understanding that it included painting, music, writing, dancing and more – it was a vast definition that was limited only by one’s imagination; art was a self expression that allowed one to explore the darkest version of themselves, and express that secretive dark self of them through symbols, words, and actions without fearing judgement. 

Taehyung  was someone who held art dearly to his heart. To him, art was as essential as breathing – it meant everything to him. Art was his only means of expressing himself in the life where he was allowed to show no emotion. Similarly, in the life where he had little to no freedom, and no means of leaving the four walls that constantly confined him, a single paint brush was his only means of escape. 

It was exhilarating – to be able to escape into the world of his own creation and be the most respected and powerful person. It was a facade fictional ideal he used to cope with the powerlessness he could likely never overcome in this current reality. He was all but a simple man who had been kept captive for as long as he could remember. In a gigantic and tall tower that loomed over everything in the middle of nowhere, where he had been cut off from the outside his entire life, his capturer Min Yoonji,  had kept his freedom limited to one room. Miss. Yoonji had claimed that it was too dangerous for someone like Taehyung to be outside, that his being and what he had to offer, was too good for anyone except for her to see. 

For some strange reason, she had a weird obsession with his hair. While he did not mind, Taehyung found it strange how she always forced him to keep his hair one specific length – never shorter or longer than its current length. Each day, morning and night, she would run her fingers through his soft locks, wash it in a specific way, talk about how beautiful it was, and how it was going to be the big break she needed to finally make her mark in the world. She treated his hair as if it was cultivating some sort of magic. 

Unbeknownst to Taehyung, his hair was magical. Yoonji was an obsessive aspiring fashion designer. Each time she crafted an outfit and integrated a lock of Taehyung’s hair in her designed outfits, they would become engulfed in white light before quickly transforming and taking a life of their own. She eagerly looked forward to the day when she would complete her fashion line, and release her unique clothes into the world. 

Presently, Taehyung had finished another painting with his one and only brush. Just like what painting and his own art to mean, the brush he used felt like it was his life line. Ever since he found it, Taehyung made sure to keep this brush his own secret and hidden away from Yoonji at all costs – it was his only ticket to getaway in order to keep himself sane. Not to mention, the brush painted whatever Taehyung  imagined as an actual artwork, and it was artwork that lived and breathed. 

Taehyung made it a habit to paint only cities or certain places with intricate details. That way, he could visit the cities he had created, and its’ people in it. He was able to experience the world of his creations taking on their life, and relish in the world where he was not a powerless isolated human, but where he had all the power. 

One thing that Taehyung failed to realize was that his “hobby” of going into his paintings that he created was something that was beginning to develop into an obsession. Especially since the more time he spent in his paintings, which increased with each visit, a part of his soul was left behind in the world of his artwork. This would continue to be so until his whole soul would solely exist in that fantasy realm, and he could no longer return to his reality. 

Out of all the world’s he had painted, and by extension, visited, Xanadu was his favourite. It was where people were at their loviest, art was at its finest, etiquette was its richest, and him, Kim Taehyung, was the strongest. 

People bowed at his feet, and worshiped him for he was their God, their ruler; it was only in this world that his talent as an artist was acknowledged. Everyone appreciated his artworks as blessings the way they should, and would kill to have him paint for them. 

But most importantly, it was the world where his most beloved, who he treasured more than his brush, lived. The world where his most beautiful, and his favourite piece he had ever created breathed.

You were the main reason Taehyung spent hours upon hours locked in Xanadu, and spent enough time that he was beginning to lose his soul. 

Like he always did during this time of the day, Taehyung walked towards one of the walls in his room. A big, loose, rusty red and gold cloth was draped on the wall to hide the world that laid behind; Xanadu. 

With the back of his hand, Taehyung moved the cloth aside. His eyes that were usually lacking of interest and life, glowed with a lustrous wonder and excitement. His heart-shaped lips stretched into a wide grin. With much practice now by his side, he had become accustomed to travelling between fantasy and reality. 

Eyebags that had appeared underneath his eyes were much more prominent than they had been ever before. It was a sign that indicated how he was close to losing the last few fragments of his soul. For a mere second, his eyes glistened a dangerous and chilling blue. It disappeared as soon as it had appeared, and Taehyung allowed his hand to be absorbed into the painting, before his whole body slipped into it. 

The moment Taehyung entered Xanadu, a bright light glowed throughout his entire body. His shabby appearance which consisted of being dressed in a huge, baggy, and poor-quality robe that reached his ankles, and a white loose and baggy pants underneath it, morphed into a gold tux that radiated extravagance. There were white cuffs near the end of the sleeves towards the hands, and they folded inwards. His appearance, apart from his hair, which was usually unkempt, glistened with life and glowed. Lastly, unlike how his hair was more on the longer side in reality, in Xanadu, it was shorter, and hence easier to deal with. 

Whenever Taehyung entered Xanadu, he always landed in the same area: a small clearing field off of an alley, which was off the main street of Xanadu. As he was the only person who left and entered this world, he was the only one who knew of this. Taehyung’s mahogany eyes ran over his attire of today, and he soothed down his tux. He patted the inner breast pocket of his tux, and when he felt his treasured brush, the corner of his lips twitched upward in a satisfied smirk. 

Walking out of the grass, and the alley leading from the clearing to the main streets, Taehyung kept himself hidden in the overcasting shadows of the alley. Once he saw the opportunity, Taehyung entered amongst the strolling civilians of Xanadu, who roamed the streets for various purposes. 

The common attire worn in Xanadu consisted of clothes that one would categorize as formal in his reality. For this reason, Taehyung did not stand out with the way he chose to dress. It was not until he walked on the familiar path that led to his abode in this world, passing by people who he was acquainted with, did the word float around that their master had arrived to bestow them. 

As Taehyung walked past Miss Camila’s fruit store, the petite older female waved at him with a wide smile, and he returned her gesture with just as much friendliness.  This sudden exchange between the two caused the customers in her immensely busy store to turn towards the direction of her wave. 

They gasped when they noticed it was the notorious artist. Not wanting to be in their line of sight more than necessary, Taehyung continued on his way. As he passed more locals, and spared a few seconds of his precious time to greet them, onlookers ended up halting in the midst of what they were doing simply to gawk at his brilliance. 

When he had first started to visit Xanadu, and then later, begin travelling down this road to this actual home, Taehyung was more than happy to stop and entertain NPC’s and invest his entire time with them. However, now, he did not want to spare even a single more second than necessary – if any. This was because the more time he would give to them, meant the less time he had with you. Especially with Yoonji breathing down his neck on the other side. He could not even begin to imagine what she would do if she found him missing, and learned about the fat that Taehyung was able to escape, or what his brush could do. 

It was not long until after a few turns to the left and right, away from the main crowds and towards the secluded area where there was almost no one, that Taehyung reached his desired destination. 

His home he stood before was small, composed of mahogany brown wood. The windows were visible at the exterior of the house and the entrance door was painted white. The roof was dirty green, and next to the steps that led to the entrance, were vast types of flowers and plants. The darker hue of brown, and dirty green contrasted well against the darker leaves, lighter brown branches of trees that surrounded his home; it appeared to be quite cozy. 

Taehyung walked up the steps of his abode, unlocked the front door, and stepped in. Then, he gave the premises around his home one last glance to make sure no one had seen him enter it, before he closed the door. He shrugged off the coat of his tux and hung it on the coat holder. Then, he proceeded to walk through the living room, up a flight of stairs, before he unlocked a room and entered it. In that room, on the large king-sized bed that was in the middle of the lavish room, laid a woman, whom’s arms and legs were tied to the bed with soft crimson silk. 

As Taehyung moved closer to the bed, his lips were beginning to stretch into a fond smile. He was finally here. After so long, he could finally see, touch, and be happy with his beloved once again. 

Whether it was something he had not realized, or knew but chose to ignore for the sake of it, but what Taehyung did to you, was exactly what Yoonji did to him which he despised her for immensely. He stripped you off your freedom and caged you as his captive. That was all good though because unlike Taehyung, you were not real. You existed as his creation and therefore, for him. There was no need for you to be your own person, or have your own life when you could just exist for Taehyung, and to keep him satisfied. 

Your eyes, tired and filled with desperate need, fluttered open as Taehyung sat by you, and gently brushed his fingers against the soft skin of your skin, to inform you of his arrival. 

“Time to wake up sweetheart, I’m finally here. I’m sorry I took longer than last time. I tried to be as fast as I could, I’m sorry that I barely only made it when you’re on the verge of dying from starvation and dehydration. I promise I’ll be faster next time. Here have some water first,” Taehyung murmured, as he held out a glass to you. Conditioned to be obedient to his every word, you obliged and started to slowly slip the water instantly. Then, after another glass of water, he started to feed you some bread. You ate it without any complaints, or putting up a struggle. 

See, since long time ago, you learned your lesson the hard way and now knew that it was best to let Taehyung do whatever he wanted, and allow him to have his way. The consequences of struggling against him, when he would always be granted to be the victor, was not worth it. Besides, like he had mentioned, you were literally on the brink of death. And so, the only thing that mattered to you right now was having access to water so it would not feel like you were living in a dry desert in your own body, and to have food in your stomach so you would not feel so utterly weak and sick. 

Frankly speaking, your situation was horrendous. But to Taehyung, it was delusionally perfect and something that was the best for you both. You did not know why he did this, or why he felt the way he did, but Taehyung wanted to do everything for you. Feeding you, changing you, washing you, and everything else – nothing was an exception to this rule. With his smothering presence that breathed down your neck every second of the day, you had absolutely no privacy. He treated you as if you were an incompetent baby, and he was the overbearing parent who could not help but spoil you to the point where he literally did do everything for you. 

Initially, such loss of your own autonomy was downright humiliating for you. You had never been forced into such confinement from someone as controlling as Taehyung before, who left you feeling completely helpless and powerless. You desperately wished there would be way you could rescue yourself, or have someone rescue from the devil’s clutches that belonged to Kim Taehyung. 

It was ironic really – Taehyung believed that the people of Xanadu respected him and worshiped him because he claimed to be the creator of some sort and it was out of their love for him. However, that was not the case. Everyone seemingly kissed the ground he walked on out of fear, and because they had to. Your ruler had heard from other cities that no longer existed about what happened to them when they refused to bow before the outsider in gold who claimed to be their creator. In anger, with the aid of the brush of creation by his side, he had annihilated their entire civilizations. Now, Xanadu, had no choice but to entertain his delusional ideas,  and for your own sake, and your people’s, you were the one who had it the worst and had to go along with all of his schemes, and at the cost of your entire life, entertain his sick ideas of love. 

It disgusted you to your core. Especially the thought of how an outsider from the other side could have gotten their hands on the brush of creation, travel to your world, claim it to be their creation, and continue to travel to this side and be willing to lose their soul in order to do so – it was all too much to think about, and even revolting at some point. 

You just wished Taehyung could disappear so you and other inhabitants of Xanadu could live in peace and with your freedom once again. 

“You’re such a good girl for me,” Taehyung murmured, his eyes eerily wide, as he petted your head in approval. Then, abruptly, he leaned down and licked some of the crumbs that were on the corner of your lips. It took your entire will-power to not grimace as he did this. 

Shortly after, Taehyung moved away from you, and gave you a sweet smile. If it was not for everything he had done to you, you would have actually found it sweet, and maybe cute. But after being forced to dance with this devil and getting burned, you knew it was anything but sweet or cute. 

“You’ve been really strong and good by patiently waiting for me the entire last few days and doing exactly what I say. You definitely deserve a reward for your current behaviour. Now, before I do this, I’m going to explain a few things, and if you fail to listen to me you will pay the price. Do I make myself clear?” He enquired, and you mindlessly nodded. Although, in the pit of your stomach, butterflies churned in an uncomfortable way that filled you with anxiety, and made you want to puke.  After all, who knows what sort of revolting things Taehyung considered a ‘reward.’ 

“I’m going to untie your bindings and let you roam around in the house,” He started, and your eyes widened in surprise. Almost instantly, a grin started to form on your lips. You were unable to control your reaction, and as this happened, Taehyung narrowed his eyes at you because you had never smiled like that for him. 

“And I’ll be leaving you to your own devices for a bit while I go and buy something for a special time together since it’s been a while since we’ve done anything together. While I’m gone, and I leave you alone, do you promise to stay within your limits? No attempting to runaway, hurt yourself, or make a plan to hurt me. Can I trust you to do that?” Taehyung asked, his voice etched with caution. 

You were having a difficult time grasping the fact that he was going to allow you to have freedom. Not wanting to let such a rare opportunity slip from your hands, you nodded. 

He was hesitant for a few seconds, before he sighed, and eventually reached out to untie the harshly binding silk cloth. As his fingers brushed against your bruised wrists, you held your breath in anticipation. He intertwined his finger in the cloth, before his movements halted, and his eyes averted to yours. He gazed into your eyes with an intense gaze, and promises of danger swam in his mahogany coloured irises. 

“I’ll remind you in case you forget. Remember, the fate of your entire country rests in your hands. You make one wrong move, you do one thing that aggravates me, and I’ll make sure no one else exists in this country anymore. No one else but us. As much as it hurts me to say this,  you don’t want that do you?” He said posing a looming threat over you with his words. 

You inwardly winced. 

“N-No,” You responded, and looked down towards your body in order to avoid Taehyung’s gaze. 

Taehyung nodded in approval. 

“Good, then make sure to keep up your good behaviour,” He said, before he untied all of your bindings. Afterwards, he leaned closer to you, and kissed you forcefully, and for longer than you would have liked him to. However, with freedom finally being just at the tip of your fingertips, you knew better than to mess up now. 

Once Taehyung pulled away, his cheeks feeling hot, he gave you one last grin, before getting up, and making his way out of your room, and out of the house. 

“I’ll see you soon my love,” He said, and walked out. 

Even after the sound of the front door being shut and locked resonated throughout the household, signalling that Taehyung had left, you remained seated on the bed. You were lost in your thoughts due to still being unable to grasp the fact that you were not tied up like a caged dog anymore. It wasn’t until the noise of your bedroom’s door knob being fiddled with in an attempt to open it reached your ears were you forced out of your train of thoughts. 

Your eyes widened because what? You lived alone the majority of the time, and had been for who knows how long due to your captivity. The only person who visited you was Taehyung, and always in utter desperation to see you, he would just walk in straight away. Fiddling with the door knob was NOT his style which only meant one thing… Someone was breaking in. 

Did that… did that mean they were going to hurt you? 

You did not get a chance to ponder on this because the door was kicked open harshly, and someone who looked oddly familiar, but you could never recall ever meeting her, strolled in. 

She had straight hair that ended at her neck and looked to be quite soft and silky. Her bangs ended just past her eyebrows. She wore a full sleeve white ruffle top, and on top of her top, a brown leather waist cincher hugged her waist. You noticed how unlike waist cincher that inhabitants often wore, her’s had locks of hair woven into it. She wore baggy dark brown pants, and long brown leather boots that reached just beneath her knees. Lastly, she wore fingerless gloves, and there were a variety of weapons attached to her hip: two daggers, a gun, and a sword. It was as if she was on a mission to haunt somebody. 

All to soon, her eyes shifted to your quivering form. There was a dangerous aura of a predator radiating off her. Cautiously, her eyes scanned your figure up and down to examine if you posed as a threat in anyway. Momentarily, unbeknownst to you, her gaze focused on your wrists that were heavily bruised since you had been tied up for so long. Her eyes narrowed into a glare at that observation, before they shifted to your face. 

She felt sorry for you. 

“Out of everything, Xanadu was the last place I expected Taehyung to be hiding in. And you to be last reason I could ever imagine being his reason for escaping. I’m surprised; didn’t expect someone as sheltered as him to have such good taste,” She said, while the last sentence was muttered more to herself. At the unexpected compliment, your cheeks reddened. You didn’t give it too much thought though because at the moment, there was a bigger fish to fry. You didn’t miss out on the fact that she had said Taehyung’s name. 

Having the courage you did not know you had to voice the questions you wondered about, you spoke. 

“W-Who are you? And how do you know him? Are you here to keep an eye on me to make sure I don’t do anything while he’s gone?!“ 

Seeing the unease and worry on your face, in addition with the questions you asked, caused her to raise an eyebrow. 

“What? Me, a spy for Taehyung? Don’t make me laugh. I want him gone, permanently. I’m Min Yoonji. I would tell you about my relationship with Taehyung but you might be a spy for him,” She retorted. 

Immediately, you scoffed. 

“The last thing he would have me as would be a spy. I’m nothing but fancy decor for him – he has had me locked up for ages and has taken my entire dignity from me. I would never associate myself with a monster like him if Xanadu’s safety didn’t depend on the fact that I have to play pretend as his submissive,” You uttered bitterly, looking down at your lap. 

Yoonji’s eyes widened, and her eyes roamed to your back that was slightly exposed due to your bent position. The numerous cuts and bruises that covered it caused anger to rise in her, and she clenched her fist. 

You looked so broken, so lost, so hurt. Seeing such an expression on your face, the fact that one of her people she had failed to protect, suffered at the hands of an outsider, made her chest feel heavy in sorrow. 

She walked towards you, and went down on one knee so she would be at your eye level. Then, her hand grabbed yours, and her fingers intertwined with yours; she squeezed your hands gently yet firmly in reassurance. 

“What’s your name?” She asked, and you looked up and found yourself staring into her eyes. Unlike before, when her eyes were narrowed at you into a cold stone and apathetic stare, they were now etched with warmth. A bright shine that made you feel as if that now, you weren’t alone anymore, and that now, she would make sure everything was going to be okay, illuminated her eyes. 

“[Surname] [Name],” You answered, and noticed that there was a slight crack in your voice, and you felt like you were on the verge of crying. 

Yoonji smiled sweetly at you. 

“That’s a beautiful name. Say [Name], do you know about the prophecy?” She wondered, and your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

“What prophecy?” 

“The prophecy of the outsider who would come to possess the brush of creation and pose a threat to the inside realm and to people like us. Just like you, I’m from Xanadu. I’m the next heir for our country, but the information about my existence was never made public. You see, I’ve been raised as a fighter, because according to the prophecy, only a royal blood who has been outside can stop the painter that seeks the destruction – who is Taehyung. Before returning home, I did my best to keep him locked up and weak in the outside world so he couldn’t come here. 

“But evidently, my plan has failed since he still somehow managed to get his hands on our brush and not only destroy other countries, but hurt you, one of my people I am meant to protect. I am deeply ashamed of my failures and for allowing you to get hurt. I don’t know if this will allow me to gain your forgiveness, but as a personal victim of Taehyung, I at least should tell you of all people. 

“I have cultivated Taehyung’s hair and woven them into many clothes which will protect us from the magic of brush. Not only that, but Taehyung’s lost his soul. So with no more spiritual energy to offer, his bond has weakened and it won’t be long before he is unable to wield the brush. He’s weakening so no matter what he tries, I will easily take him down. Then, everyone of us can be free and live our own lives without fearing Taehyung again,” Yoonji reassured smiling. You would have gasped loudly still trying to get your head around all the information Yoonji told you had it not been that you two got interrupted by the very person you both despised. 

“You must be delusional if you think I’ll just let you hurt me Yoonji,” Taehyung greeted in a hiss, and both Yoonji’s and your eyes snapped towards him. 

Your eyes widened in fear, while Yoonji stood up to her full height, and faced him standing in front of you, with her back turned towards you in order to hide you from him. Confidence oozed out of her, and although you could not see her expression, she smirked. 

“I don’t have to hurt you. The brush will hurt you for me. Your eyes are glowing blue Taehyung, you use it one more time and you’ll be gone. It would be in your best interest to give up and hand over Xanadu back to me,” Yoonji warned, as she unsheathed her sword, and prepared to duel. 

Taehyung smirked. 

“If I’m a goner, then I’m taking all of you with me, especially you [Name]. You’re mine! I won’t let anyone else have you or Xanadu. I created you so I get to decide what I do with you,” Taehyung stated, as he prepared to paint the end with the brush of creation he had in his hand. 

You whimpered, and out of fear, went to hold onto Yoonji. However, as you tried to grab onto what you would have assumed to be Yoonji’s clothes, you found yourself trying to grab onto thin air. 

You gasped when you saw Yoonji running towards Taehyung in a blinding speed, and before you even had the chance to blink, she had kicked at the back of his knees causing him to drop onto the floor. Then, she with the hilt of the sword, she hit brush of creation out of his hands, before grabbing both of his hands and twisting it behind his arm. Taehyung yelled in pain as Yoonji pushed him onto the ground. Then, she held her sword to his neck. 

“One wrong move, and I’ll kill you right here and right now,” She started in a warning. Simultaneously, she pricked his skin with the tip of her sword, causing him to hiss in pain, as miniscule amount of blood leaked out from the minor cut. 

“Kim Taehyung, you are under arrest for destroying countries and threatening the safety and peace of Xanadu,” She declared, before pausing to turn her eyes to you. 

Then finally, she said the words you would have killed to hear. 

“You’re safe and free now. I swear on my life to protect Xanadu and its’ people to make sure it stays that way.” 

________

Please share your thoughts :)

[sourwolfstories]

Hey! Can you rec some sterek university AUs pls? Thanks you!

Oh boy… okay so this is one of my favorite tropes and I have a crap ton of these. I couldn’t fit all of my faves on here (well i could have but it would have taken forever and the list would have been HUGE) but here are several for you to enjoy!! :)

No Homo by orphan_account

Stiles’ sophomore year starts something like this:3 FourLokos+ 1 peer-pressuring cat- 1 best bro to end all best bros= 1 Craigslist ad headline that reads “str8 dude - m4m - strictly platonic”.Derek is the fool who replies.

It Started With A Whisper by allyasavedtheday, warmth

“I’m Stiles, by the way. In case you did, you know, need something, cause Librarian is kind of an old lady term and… yeah. So, Stiles. S-T-I-L-E-S, like that one dude in that band from the UK.”

Or the one where Derek and Stiles are both in college, Stiles is the school’s librarian, and Derek is just trying to study.

The Company I Keep by secondstar

Stiles has a favorite table at the library. Then some asshole comes along and steals it from him.

Maybe by MellytheHun

Tumblr Prompt:

my fave overheard on campus moment of all time was the two guys who sat behind me in pop culture theory

as class was starting one of them was like “so… do you want a blowjob after this” in a rly bored voice, and then the second guy was like [pause][dejected sigh] “yes”

Not Mine to Love by Sabeley

It should have been awkward then, as the haze of lust left them, but Derek really didn’t mind the fact that Stiles was collapsed on his chest, breathing heavily. He didn’t care that he was naked in his roommate’s bed, coming down from the best orgasm he had ever had. He didn’t even care that he had just lost his virginity to someone who wasn’t Jennifer.

“That can’t happen again,” he said simply.

It happened twice more that night and it never really stopped.

The Hunt by HenryMercury

Stiles wakes up with a hangover and the phone number of the most attractive (and the frowniest) guy he’s ever encountered.

…Who also happens to be the front-man for the band Scott’s just joined.

Pushed to the Limit by kittylovessterek (kitty_fic)

Watching Stiles get ready to go out is torture. The universe is obviously testing him. There’s only so much temptation one werewolf can take.

I Keep On Fallin’ by xKookiesandCreamx

Ow fuck!“

Stiles sprung up out of his slumber, dazedly looking around for the cause of his roommate’s pained sounding exclamation.

He got his answer when he flicked his desktop lamp on and looked to see Derek sprawled in a graceless heap on the floor by Stiles’s bed.

~~~

Or a little college au ficlet in which a middle of the night accident actually turns out to be a not so bad thing after all.

Hot Nerd Alert by alisvolatpropiis

Derek can’t believe he’s actually doing this: taking a selfie snap of the guy he’s been crushing on for weeks to prove to Danny that one, yes, he really does exist, and two, he really is that hot and thus he is totally justified in being too scared to make a move.

Or you know, even talk to the guy outside of the class they share.

In his defense, this isn’t just any guy. This THE guy. Hot Nerd. The utterly adorable but still somehow insanely sexy freshman in his twentieth century American Lit class who he’s been lusting over since the first day of the semester. If there were ever a time for him to be that person who tries to be subtle while taking snaps of other people, this is it.

Love Comes in Spurts by talktowater

Stiles has always had sort of a hero worship thing going on with Scott’s step-brother Derek so moving into a house with him freshman year was basically fulfilling a childhood fantasy. Discovering how Derek was putting himself through college, well that was a whole other fantasy that Stiles didn’t even know he had.

Your First by Simone (fvckyourfandoms)

It’s Stiles freshman year of college and he decides to rush a fraternity. He becomes Vice President Derek Hale’s favorite pledge and they end up much closer than expected.

or

A story in which Derek can’t keep his hands off of Stiles’ sweet, irresistible, virgin ass and fails at not feeling him up.

A Comprehensive Study in Getting a Boyfriend via Persuasive Essay-Writing by Luddleston

Stiles is a junior Journalism major who takes Rhetorical Strategies because it covers his English requirement. He’s also trying to be subtle about the way he keeps checking out his professor.

Derek is a grad student teaching his first class ever. He also has the most annoying student on the face of the planet, and is done reading essays about the history of male circumcision.

Flirty e-mails are exchanged, Stiles spends way too much time in Derek’s office, and they fall in love over a mutual hatred for APA formatting.

take two and hit to right by gottalovev

Stiles enjoys ogling the very handsome shortstop of the varsity team while in class. One day, when he cannot have the seat he prefers to watch the baseball diamond, he starts a conversation on his desk (including cartoon characters and eventually sharing secrets).

Unfortunately, Stiles’ first meeting with the hot shortstop - crowd darling Derek Hale - doesn’t go well. When Hale turns out to be Stiles’ desk pen pal, will they be able to move past first impressions?

If You Wanna Be My Roomie (Lover) by xKookiesandCreamx

Realistically, Stiles knew that the local University’s popularity and commonality meant that many members of his graduating high school class would be starting the Fall 2016 semester alongside him, but he never expected his longtime crush to be one of them. Even more so, he never expected said crush to be assigned as his roommate…oh boy.

Just to See You Again by MellytheHun

A sterek college!AU where writing student Stiles specializes in love letters, runs a blog about it and can be commissioned to write love letters on behalf of lovers who are at a loss for words.

He makes some cash, he’s good at what he does (especially when he gets to be a little more explicit in his letters), it pays for his textbooks and that’s all he’s really looking for and life is fine. That is, until someone anonymously commissions him to write a love letter to mathematics student, Derek Hale.

It’s Happening by isthatbloodonhisshirt

Derek stopped listening to him, brain going a mile a minute.

Derek, it’s fucking happening!Derek, please!

He would recognize that fucking voice anywhere.

Two years. Two fucking years had passed, and now this little shit was standing in front of him, speaking his name, and grinning like an idiot.

“It’s you,” Derek said, earning him a confused look from Stiles. “The phone call. Two years ago. It was you.”

Beauty and the Ex by aggybird

Stiles doesn’t want to screw up his chances with Josh, so he does something he may regret: he goes to Derek Hale, Josh’s intimidating ex-boyfriend, for dating advice.

Things don’t go according to plan. But with a little magic (and werewolves) they might go all right.

We’re caught in stone, you know we might not make it by LunaCanisLupus_22

He does this thing then, while Stiles is watching, rolls his left shoulder a little as if he’s adjusting the books in his arms and suddenly Stiles recognises him from the gesture.

“Oh my god,” he cries, dumping his books, bag and coffee into one big mess on the ground and rushing over to them at once.

Or the one where Derek and Stiles are childhood buddies who lost touch and reconnect by chance at college. Only they end up doing a lot more than just reconnecting.

There is a Brotherhood by minusoneday

So far, college has taught Stiles three things:

1) Eight am classes are cruel and unusual and should be avoided at all costs, even if it means having to enroll in something truly hideous instead, like Econ 101.

2) Dorm security is just as tight as Stiles’ orientation leader had promised it would be, and the dude guarding Scott’s dorm in particular does not respond well to bribes.

3) Mrs. McCall clearly had no clue what she was talking about when she’d insisted that Scott and Stiles needed to branch out and room with strangers, so it’s all her fault that Scott ended up with a total dick of a roommate and Stiles got stuck all the way across campus with some guy who has a girlfriend two towns over and is thus never around.

‘Linski’s Late Night Antidote To Lame by WhoNatural

Where Stiles has his own college radio show, and the mysterious, faceless Derek is his number one fan.

Also there’s this really hot guy he keeps meeting in the library who totally hates his guts.

Inside This Place Is Warm by wolfcloaks

Coming down; One love, two mouths

Stiles Stilinski:

-Senior at Berkley-Double majoring in Human Biology and Biomedical Engineering-Student Librarian-Closet Artist-Basket case extrodanaire-Hopelessly crushing on Derek Hale (read as: pining)

Derek Hale:

-Grad Student at Berkley-Philosophy Major-Dog enthusiast-Does not cry during The Notebook, fuck you,Laura-Is definitely not pining over the librarian with the cute moles-Would very much like to tell the librarian’s curly haired boyfriend to fuck off

Or

Where Derek and Stiles are complete dweebs in love and jump to horribly inaccurate conclusions

Or

When your meet-cute turns into a bit of an (light) angst fest but it’s all ok in the end

———————

If you want to find more college/university goodness you can check out my tag for it here

[violet-bookmark]

The temple at Landfall, by Jane Fletcher

"Lynn is an imprinter, one chosen by the Goddess to receive her greatest gift, that of creating new life. So why does she feel like a prisoner in the Temple?

When Lynn learns that she is to be relocated to the temple at Landfall, the arduous journey seems more like a gift--her last chance to see something of the outside world. She does not anticipate the dangers and temptations she will encounter along the way, nor does she expect Lieutenant Kim Ramon, an officer in the squadron of Rangers assigned to protect her. Despite all prohibitions forbidding it, attraction grows between the two women.

Against them stand the powerful religious Sisterhood and their holy warriors--the Temple Guards. In a world ruled by the Church, what chance is there that Lynn can escape?"

Actually this world is female-only and everybody is a lesbian, so it's not as if it is ruled by the Catholic church or something, as the blurb seems to imply. And I don't think that catholicism could be so closely replicated in a society where only one sex exists, but I digress.

The romance between the protagonists was fine, I liked it even when I think they fell for each other rather quickly. I believe it from Lynn's perspective because she had been secluded in a temple since she was like 10, only surrounded by elderly women or priestess that were covered up to their eyes and rarely spoke to her, but from Kim's side... No. Maybe seeing more of the journey to Landfall from her perspective would have helped matters. Some of Lynn's quotes were very relatable and good (I believe I have posted some here) and her pain at thinking that she would not ever be able to be with Kim was almost palpable. The romantic and steamy scenes were sexy and well-written, and they felt organic given the circumstances.

I loved how the priestesess constantly jeopardised each other's ascent to power, it was very realistic and a nice detail to the story. It is one of the strongest parts of the worldbuilding to be honest, since it demonstrated that powerful religious women were a force to be reckoned with in-world (at least until a certain point in the story that made me want to slam my head against a table).

The writing was similar to that of Shadow of the knife, but lacked a depth and maturity that SOTK had and that made it such a punch in the face memorable story to me.

Lynn was a good protagonist, very defined by her nostalgic memories of life outside the temple. Which was fine, but she didn't seem to care a lot about anything except nature. I found it very unbelievable that she wasn't more weirded out by the journey given how she was leading a life of reclusion and suddenly she was on a trip with guards and people all around her. She focused a lot on how good it felt to be out of the temple, but what about the people? Isn't being surrounded by people weird after you spent your life in the temple? She never cared about anyone on there so it's pretty safe to say she never had any friends, which brings me to my next point: for someone who had lived such a poor social life she was very stable, not socially starved to the point of being easily manipulable, full of panic towards social interactions or other things that social isolation tends to cause. She mentions wanting to have sex desperately, but that's about it. I'm not buying that. She was nice and I liked how she took responsibility for her actions, but I wish we knew more about her. After reading the book, I still don't feel like I know her that much.

Kim was alright, but her past was boring. Very typical. Seriously, authors, stop killing families. There are other ways to give lifelong trauma to the protagonists. I hated how her character lived through so much and managed to stay so static during all the story. Like hell all this happens to somebody and they stay completely unmoved throughout the whole thing. I don't believe the whole "This is because Kim is very mature, also her past is already solved bc she killed the bandits that killed her fam in the past" that the book tries to sell me. Why would you play up this conflict if it was already solved? I don't care that this is a romance book, it is just lazy to just have all the character development outside of the story. And then of course Kim has solved everything but the part about her trauma that makes her afraid to have a girlfriend, because you know, we needed something to spicy up their relationship. I won't go into detail but they had better ways of having a conflict between the two that didn't rely on getting past traumas that were already solved. One of them being that the foundation of everything they believed in was a lie. It would have been so much more interesting to have that as the main conflict of their relationship!

The action scenes were very well-written, but they lacked something that would have made them truly epic. And that would have been to have a real sense of danger; the problem with the story is that we know the Rangers are amazing and could kick everyone's ass in seconds because they are just that tough, so we don't worry about them dying at all, really. That made the action scenes really lackluster sometimes, almost as if they were only stage decoration for the romance. Which is fine, but the book was so focused on them and they were such an important part of the story that it didn't feel right. It is a shame, because some scenes were really well-written and had a lot of potential to be intense and memorable, and to define the characters or give them some good development. All of the elements necessary were there but then it simply didn't happen. It was beyond frustrating; the characters learned a lot of new stuff and faced loads of dangerous situations but they didn't change at all, which I found unrealistic taking into account they just found out the foundation of everything they believed in was a lie. They all just go like "Oh well that makes sense, I don't believe in this thing anymore despite still having some sensibilities that come from this thing", there might be people who act like this, no doubt, but twelve or more different women? No way.

The plot had a lot of things going on that never reached their full potential, and I think it would have benefited from being kept simpler, especially when this was the author's first book. I just went to check goodreads in order to paste the blurb in the book to the begging of my review, and somebody said "I felt like we should have spent more time in Petersmine watching the characters fall in love, and definitely more time in the temple at Landfall! It's what the book is named after" and I agree. As I said, this book wanted to tackle too many things. If the author really felt like she had to tackle all those topics at once she should have prioritized and spent more time in the central conflicts, while playing the others out in a more subtle manner.

This was her first book so I feel like I should be more forgiving, but I still have to vent about it. I will always be eternally grateful to Jane Fletcher for giving us the Celaeno Series, because it is amazing. How many fantasy/sci-fi series where all the characters are exclusively female and lesbian do we have? What she did was incredible and groundbreaking, but the first book was obviously her first one. I hear there are great things coming in the next one, and I have noticed that the author has gotten way better at writing/worldbuilding since this book was published, so I believe in her.

The explanation the author gave about why the sisters "hide" the true history to the public was not good nor believable. "Nobody reads those books anymore, so they don't know what really happened" really? What the hell? Are you telling me that not even one woman from the temple has taken the time to read one of the books from their library? This doesn't make the Temple look sympathetic, it makes them look beyond stupid. Humans are curious by nature, like hell nobody has even skim-read one of their books. This is something I disliked and that got me tired from this book: every woman that had any ties to religion (temple guards, sisters, etc.) was mortally stupid and ended up either dead or in a bad place. This lack of nuance bothered me: I dislike religion as much as the next person, but this was just too sloppy. Religious people are not stupid; some are stupid, yes, and some do/say stupid things because of religion or because they are plain bigots, but come on, the majority of them don't expect their god/goddess to do things for them that are within their control (like packing their suitcases). Also, does the author think that religious people can't conspire to hide shady things? Lol.

And I don't believe that this world has only one religion. Somebody could interpret the texts of the Elder-Ones way differently and come up with another religion. The author only made one because she wanted it to parallel christianity (the religion she wanted to criticize) and fair enough, but it makes for poor lore. Even christianity has several branches that interpret the bible differently or practice their faith in a different way, and I just don't believe that 1) nobody bothered to read the Elder-Ones texts ever and 2) nobody had a different interpretation and started a different faith, or at least a civil war.

Another thing that disappointed me was how incompetent the guards were. I liked it in the first bit, because the guards that escorted Lynn were from a provincial city and only used to face people, not mountain beasts. That was pretty nice and realistic, but in the second arc there was no excuse for the seasoned temple guards in Landfall to be as incompetent as they were. How the hell has the Temple survived for that long and gained so much power when everybody within its walls is either mortally stupid or terrible at her job?

In the other books both the Rangers and the Militia have their fair share of competent and incompetent women in them, but when it comes to the Temple everyone is just useless, stupid or evil. I'm not having it.

If you have read the book, you will remember that scene with a nice, truly devoted, grandma-like sister that the author wrote to prove that "there are also nice people within the church", which is basically the cliché that pull all books that poorly criticize religion. To any writer reading this: stop using this cliché, I beg you. Do a nuanced criticism of religion instead.

I did like how the sisters reacted to Lynn's and Kim's relationship, that was very well done. Especially the part where they tried so hard to distort Kim's feelings and character to make her look like a bad person on Lynn's eyes. I also loved the little details about Gina's village, the culture that was starting to form around it and the militia/rangers/temple guards dynamic and rivalries, they were very believable and good at rounding up the worldbuilding.

I can't believe what the author pulled at the end of the book. Really, more than 70 pages in the PDF version from Peter McKay's diary, a character that had minimal involvement in the story. I was very uninterested, even if his diary was kind of interesting. Couldn't she have put parts of his diary in little chunks at the begging of every chapter? It would have made the info dump much more bearable. I might comment on it in another post because there is a lot of lore/things I would like to discuss and I still haven't finished it yet.

I recommend this book if you like stories like Romeo and Juliet but set in a lesbian sci-fi universe, and where the characters fight against society.

[zrw]

Letter 1.0.1

><

I'm writing this to you on Thanksgiving Day, it felt fitting despite us not celebrating it, so instead I will be wishing you a merry Christmas. A tad bit older photo added for depth, immersion and personalization while reading. None of it is scripted in any way, the idea is to make me emotional & it will all be written on the go. Make sure you read it all, and you will never hear from me again. Please do respect my terms also and do not under any circumstances share this letter or it's contents with anybody. Remember, only you will truly understand the context and true meaning of this letter. Quite likely it will change your whole perspective on me, but it won't matter anymore. If you think you're the bigger victim and believe you've had it worse than me & that you've suffered more and dealt with more... well, a bit of a free of charge reality check for you... you're dead wrong. I'm the one who is being tormented maniacally and brutally every other night, to the point where I simply don't know what's real and what's not. Scared of living life, kind of. It's clear to all I made a mistake last year. No weasely lies and fabrications in this letter, this is the Me you've longed to finally see. Anxiety through the roof, among other things/issues. I'm deeply sorry, Annie. Bless you & bless me, more importantly. Please tell me you forgive me. Do not dare to share any of the contents of this said letter with anybody, be a grown-up and act like one for once, you live all alone, now try and impress me, it's far too personal, a glimpse of me, and meant for you alone. Only you will understand the context of this letter. You're not exactly the golden carrot of the yield, but this one should be fairly easy to follow - Keep it to yourself, and stay quiet about this, I'm begging you. You're not legally obligated to do anything, this is your life and you make the rules, you're a good and kind gal, you're by no means a bloodthirsty vampire like some of them, and as I made very clear it wouldn't be fruitful & would shortly after turn into a proper clown fiesta, and possibly a meaningless waste of government resources. You wouldn't gain anything at all from this. I was going to say let me know if you need anything, and I'll gladly donate a fair sum to your PayPal, and it kind of made me realize that is something that would be morally and legally wrong of me to do, it wouldn't feel like a donation, it would almost feel like I'm trying to buy you and win you over, after causing this much pain to your heart, which I deeply regret. (I'll pay for your nsfw future cosplays maybe? Jkjk, leave that avenue to the twonks who'd actually find pleasure in doing that.) I don't donate much anyways online, if I'd donate it'd have to be an actual animal charity, I feel like when people think of charity they instantly think of like some Cancer Foundation or elderly/orphan fund, not that those are not fair causes, it's just that some dying/sick animals really need our support too, and they're just as worthy. After this i'm doing my own thing & staying away from you, promise. I'm a great citizen, mind my own business and never cause trouble. I just needed for my own sake to send something meaningful and pure your way. Everything that you will see here comes from the heart & I will do my best to be as honest as humanly possible. Whenever I begin working on these long 50,000 word essays I always tend to fear that I forget something crucial or run out of time, so let's hope it doesn't happen this time around. The writer usually spends 10 times the time and effort the reader does, so please do sit down, get comfy, and please read all of this letter. This is going on your SC and Tumblr & will be deleted once the timer on my stream deck reaches zero, you have a tendency to take photos and eventually show them to outsiders, this will ensure it's a one-off, and for your eyes only. It is mainly to apologize to you, among other things. To make you realize that in just 3 years time I'll be completely "reformed", as they say. If you must know "breaking the law" to say sorry could be considered as... noble, in most countries at least. Without a doubt in my mind they'd love for us to bury the hatchet and shake hands, but after this "letter" to you I am actually done with you altogether, and you'll not be hearing from me ever again... unless fate says otherwise. Do remember that this and me apologizing to you for being an awful male, this was mostly done so I can live, function and mentally function like a normal human being again, I will get to that later on in the letter, all you should know now is that it was more of a ME thing, and less of a YOU thing, if that makes sense. Needless to say I have 8 VPNs total with unlimited data running on all of my systems including 2 iPads, laptops, and even phones, to ensure that my IP is impossible to find and non-existent. Just a quick pitch, you could've used common sense to figure that one out yourself. Naturally somebody as wealthy as me would be untouchable, at least in the virtual world, where everything is simple and made easy. I am quite clever, yes, yes I am indeed. But I would not use it for evil deeds, deep inside I am a shockingly kind and nice guy. Oh, you were looking for a bad boy? We can talk, my dear, you know full well that I'd be/become anything for you. No candlelit dinners so I can compliment your cheekbones? You have kept your eyes open, and tonight your knowledge of me is getting greater and greater. You could write a book about us. It almost feels like deja-vu, I've been here studying and doing research on you, now I'm giving you the sheer opportunity to do the same. And 4 years after first talking to you online (in 2014), I, I touched your cat's black fluffy tail once, and catbug, she ran right away, it almost looked like she did a tiny leap forward before running. Yes, it was her 100%. I'm a shining star, just waiting to unlock my full potential, it will happen when the right time comes, you can never rush such things. My financial status would only indicate I have great things waiting for me and a brimming bright future ahead of me, should I play all my cards right, I do adore graveyards, but there is no reason at all why I should perish in the next 5-15 years. I can only hope that you're smart enough to not mention any of this to your mom, I realize you two are close, but being a grown-up means you know what to mention to somebody and what is better left unsaid. Wiser to let this one go and keep it to yourself, no need to waste government resources, and do understand that being fortunate and getting me potentially taken to a mental asylum for 3 weeks would not benefit you in the slightest, I've made it very clear that I don't associate myself with social outcasts, and we of course are done for good after this bit, so let's make it count. Being respectful is calling you a lady even though I full well know it's a girl in sheep's clothing I've been dealing with, hard to tame, always needs to have it her way, borderline blunt at times.. how come Annie the girl does not have a feminine soul, a bit odd, perhaps I do rest my case. You certainly are special, as your mom would say, she means you're not like the other girls. You're way different & not necessarily in a good way. Wanted you & Nora for the experience... Do find you both quite boring, even on the dating spectrum, she's the snappy one, you're the calm one. Will surely do better in the future. As far as I go... I'm your little ghost. I'm a spirit, roughly 500 years ago people like me were considered as and called witches, simply since we were ahead of our time. As you know there are good and bad spirits, I would stand somewhere in the middle as a classic inbetweener I've always been, casually swaying towards either or, but ultimately staying put in the middle. Some days I hate you, other days I love you... Yet here I am ending this "letter" to you with the words "I Love You", and perhaps "Muah" on top of that should I feel classy enough, as always, on the cheek, one final time. Do remember that I will always remain near you & overseer your doings, we don't need to interact, in fact it would be silly to think we can't co-exist in eachother's hearts. When you get the strange feeling that you can't find the explanation for, perhaps it's just me, and nothing more. It's been a sheer clown fiesta witnessing the names and things you've called me thus far. What's new, right? At the very least you don't take me for a joke anymore, which is wise of you, since I'm not. The casual 21st century term "stalker" simply insults me. Even somebody with as little intellect as you would know that stalkers are for years, spirits are for lifetime. I'm nothing less than a S-P-I-R-I-T, one with high capability & intellectual intelligence. I've never commented on your idiocy or your weird friends (90% of them are weird), I'm awfully passive and neutral. I've never insulted/talked-down-on the soyboys, e-slags, pre-mature losers, weebs, memers, or entitled punks you interact with every now and then. No point including the 16-21 year old boys and girls in that category, as I understand how these underage and barely of age children follow you, and you see yourself as their "mama" and friend, not strange in the slightest, not the harvest of living inside of a box for the majority of your life, when fantasy is taking over, sis. Those kids are the only community you have left... surely it would be cruel to let them off the hook, you can't let them go, some of them still see you as a role model! ~ I suppose you could say I'm on a whole different level, and people like me tend to not notice people who are "less". But good luck to them, perhaps some day they too will get themselves out of their holes and start moving towards things that actually matter. Speaking of which... God bless Great Britain if you actually end up scoring an actual decently paying job after all your studies. I would donate a fair few braincells to you... If I didn't have such a bright future ahead of me. In a universe where employers and companies actually did background checks on people before hiring, a silly bean like you would never score anything worthwhile. Personal assistant for a single individual would probably be your peak. Back to me... I am a millionaire, as you expected, seeing as how doors just open and close for me and my kind. I never worked even a day for what I have, but the people before me certainly did. Even more wealthy now in fact, as of last year, now that my professor and casual alcoholic of a grandpa is finally under ground, he was respected by many, but his lifestyle choices were hilariously fractured. See? We (are) similar, kind of. Ah, how I hate drinking and alcohol, I literally drink only twice a year and always feel guilty after, I hate people that consume alcohol in the spirit of the party at clubs or live concerts, and those who tend to constantly drown their sorrow and unhappiness into the bottle. I adore a good coffee and tea though. Living a promising life of luxury, hence the 3 years I will take to improve myself, improve my body to the maximum for the sex appeal and quality of life, get your name 'Annie' with a mini thorny rose underneath tattoo'd on my left arm, so I can take you to places and talk to you, enjoy your company & so I would never forget you (not that there is a chance in hell I'd actually ever do, of course, hahaha.), dye my hair pale/pastel color, purple in 2020, letting it heavily fade to soft pink, After that focus on the pastel spectrum of colors, re-do my driver's license, own a 40k car, but have not driven anything in 3-4 years, begin buying land and potentially own more land, farmhouses, households, countryside villas and mansions than some of the more wealthier businessmen in my area; as you can tell "owning" things & writing are two big passions of mine, the latter for expressing myself and influencing others, and so is real estate, country and marketing to an extent, legally change my first name to something sleek such as Jed, Jed Nei... or you know whatever else that feels unique and not-so-common; pick a powerful name that people will remember (and fear, jkjk), basically get my life on the line/on the rails and get a woman who will massage my strong pectorals with oil every Sunday morning only to ensure I will be more than ready to take on the next week. I adore romance, but still feel that death is the most romantic thing out there. Now of course she could cook for me just fine, but i'd actually really want to taste something you've cooked, as long as you do the cooking with just an apron on and absolutely nothing underneath. Oh Annie, unlocking your true potential would be a really easy task for me. You like cherry blossoms, I on the other hand like 400 year old oak trees. However our worlds could of collided & you could of been my sweetheart under the bright sun and moon. Currently own 2 countryside 2 floor homes and plenty of actual land around them, looking to expand in the future of course. Imagine leaving your silly big city life behind. Imagine laying there (on a hill) naked on the grass in the middle of the day, or relaxing in the bikini, depending how confident you are with your own body, and breast size, I also would not be totally satisfied if mine looked so "below average", but god does your bottom/bum make up for it. Loads of flowers that I can gather and give you, or put in your hair, plenty of forests nearby perfect for mushroom picking, hiking or picnics, loads of plants, fruit bushes, ponds, fruit trees, acorn trees ideal for climbing, farmland, greenhouse, ponds big enough for swimming, cyan blue skies large and wide enough for any balloon or kite you may want to play around with. Or if that’s not entirely your cup of tea then we can plan our big vacation to the Canary Islands in Spain, whatever you like, as long as you stay with me forever. You're a sweet creature and I'm certain we could of started something unique & exciting together, but that's all gone now, i'm still certain that I could of loved you right and shown you extreme passion, to go to bed with you and make you feel happy, loved & excited for the next day, our next day together in paradise. This is not a fantasy tale/dream, this could of potentially been our reality, assuming I would accomplish all my goals, and you willing to leave your current life for me. But why dwell on what could of been, I will never feed you fresh strawberries straight from the greenhouse, I will never "own" you, you will never be my girl, my companion, my life's purpose. I see now why I felt so heavily against friendship with you... being your friend considering the things I had planned for us, that would only lead to romance and love, that friendship would be over so quick you could not even call it one. Oh, and, I can be very sensual and passionate at times. And possibly start a IRL vlogging channel on Youtube in 3 years time, just to influence & motivate others and to portray my lifelong journey to greatness with the dozen obstacles I had to face and overcome along the way, making it all even more bittersweet, especially the main final goal, which if you can recall is to become the biggest standalone landowner/businessman in my area. Maybe you'll randomly stumble across the channel one day & wonder what could of been & what you missed out on, not only that but you'd also visually see the beautiful landscape and things I talked about earlier. Oh and I'll definitely purchase at least one or two more expensive cars, driving around with just one specific car all the time, obviously being somebody who clearly is able to afford another one, it feels kind of lame. P.S I've never ever actually been obsessed with you. You were just a girl I liked because of a few key factors/reasons. Plus we seemingly have dozens of things in common.And we have reached the part where I'll try and explain why writing this was needed for me, and my mentality; Are you a demon baby/girl? If not keep reading and don't even think about showing this letter to anybody else. If you are however... Come with me & with the assistance of our genitals let's try and produce a demon child. A bit NSFW, but we're 25 and nobody else is going to see this (Right? Good gal.), so I'd so-so-so take you raw on the floor in every single position imaginable, your front hole would naturally be so loose afterwards that no guy would want to or feel comfortable with doing it with you anymore. White stuff would go in both 'A' and 'V' holes several times to ensure pregnancy is triggered. Jeez, having and making a baby with you would be so unbelievably sexy. Anyways, back on the topic we go, so me and my issues I've been dealing it... I mentioned it at the start & will do it again... If you think you've been affected by this or you've had it worse/suffered more than me... Well think again. Ever since earlier this year I've had horrible anxiety, hearing unnatural beings and things talk to me and gradually hearing their voices around me. I don't think I'm losing my mind or going crazy, but this does all feel very real to me. Always closing my door at night, not even trying to, it just comes naturally to me to do it, much like a habit. I fell in a deep pit, and I'm so sorry to you, I really do apologize, my dear. My darling Annie. now my situation is being abused and i'm being taken advantage of by these demons/ghosts/shades, I'm now shaking for no reason, it's not even cold in here, it's awful. Psst, I'm not a monster. Imagine being too messed up mentally to go to the grocery store/supermarket alone & having to call your mom and tell her to bring you some food and supplies - telling her that the reason for it is that you have a massive headache right now & that you're unable to get out of bed. Yikes, that does sound bad. And to make it even worse, it has happened more than once. I feel like I need a 12-hour nap after sending this letter your way, feel a bit odd all of sudden, please read it all, it's a glimpse of me and my story and life. I can only hope that I will feel better and be able to go back to living my life like a normal human being now that I threw everything out there and apologized to you. I will leave you be now. It's a peek into my life essentially. I really do adore your tight little pale pink p*ssy, and Nora’s all the same, you gals are & stay important to me. Please do respect my terms and do not under any circumstances share this letter or it's contents with anybody. All the best to you and your family. I Love You. Muah. 💞

[eleanor-writes-stuff]

a language that i never knew existed before - Day 15

For @varksvader, who asked for a modern AU “ where Rey and Ben come out of the movie theater, and one of them is highly emotional after watching it”.

This ended up becoming three times Rey and Ben come out of the movie theater and it’s the longest prompt fill so far, but I hope you like it all the same. Thank you for the prompt, and happy holidays!

If anyone else would like a Reylo ficlet of their very own this holiday season, I’m still accepting prompts!

25 Days of Reylo Also available on AO3

It’s her fourth time watching the movie, but Rey finds herself just as overwhelmed as she was the first time around. The last minute of the end credits is still rolling, a slow score pouring out of the speakers as she and Rose get up to join the crowd filing out of the theater in the kind of zombie-like crawl that’s to be expected after a midnight showing.

It’s that one precious moment between fantasy and reality, that small window of time after two hours of escapism and before real life returns with a vengeance, and Rey is content to savor it in silence until–

“A total and utter waste of time,” a man boldly proclaims in a sharp accent as he and his friend join the line, exiting from the aisle just above her and Rose. “At least the originals had a proper villain instead of this wannabe–”

Before Rey can lunge forward and correct the shallow idiot, a hand wraps around her forearm and holds her back with surprising strength. “Don’t,” Rose mutters as her blunt fingernails dig into Rey’s skin. “Just… let it go, okay? They’re probably just casual viewers who don’t know what they’re talking about anyway–”

“I can’t believe they threw away decades of expanded universe lore for this bullshit,” the man’s companion agrees, his voice heavy with disdain. “Kylo Ren is probably just based off one of the writer’s Sith personas from when they were thirteen or something,” he scoffs dismissively just as the group of them step into the blinding lights of the outside world, and Rose wisely lets go of Rey’s arm with nothing more than a defeated sigh.

“Just don’t get us banned,” is her final request as Rey steps forward to tap the second man on his shoulder. He turns around without her having to speak up to get his attention, and regards her with a look that’s part wary, part weary as he crosses his arms over his surprisingly broad chest.

Rey should’ve seen that coming when she had to reach all the way up to tap his shoulder.

“Can I help you?” the man asks, and the hint of a smirk tugging at his lips is enough to snap Rey out of her observation of his dark locks and thick lips. She offers him a sickeningly sweet smile instead, one meant to unsettle rather than charm.

“Well, first of all, they didn’t throw away the whole EU,” Rey informs him, keeping her customer service smile on, “which you might’ve known if you had bothered to read the full announcement when it was released rather than skim the headlines and immediately head over to Reddit to whine with your fellow purists.”

The man’s hands fall to his side as his flame-haired friend with the grating, carefully affected accent continues to walk away, either not realizing that he’s leaving his companion behind or not caring.

“Second, Kylo Ren is nothing like Darth Vader because he’s not a Sith,” she points out a little smugly even as a part of her realizes she’s gaining steam a little too fast. “In fact, he’s not even fully Dark, which might be why he doesn’t check off all of your traditional, basic boxes of what a villain should look like. And by the way, hating Kylo Ren doesn’t make you a better fan than the rest of us; it just makes you one of the literal dozens of whiny gatekeeper fans I’ve had this conversation with in the last two weeks–”

“I don’t hate him,” the man cuts in quite unexpectedly. If anything, Rey had been prepared for a sneered dismissal of her as a fake fan; the explanation that follows instead is unlike any reaction she’s gotten over the past two weeks. “I think he’s an emotional mess and he makes for a weak villain, but as a character there’s obviously layers to uncover and room for him to grow so…” he trails off with a shrug that disturbs the hair resting on his shoulder and causes a thick lock of hair to flop into his face.

It’s… surprisingly adorable.

“Oh,” Rey mouths to herself, still trying to catch up to the fact that she’s no longer in attack mode. “Oh,” she repeats audibly, and then tentatively adds, “Actually, if you are interested in him, they released a pre-movie novel that covers his early childhood and some of the factors–”

“Solo!” the ginger friend snaps from down the hall, near the counter. “Please don’t tell me you’ve gotten into a debate with your fellow nerds, I simply don’t have the patience for this childishness–”

“Fuck off for one minute, Hux,” her unexpected stranger calls back with a dismissive wave of his hand before turning back to Rey. “So I, um, I’ve got to go but… would you maybe want to talk about this some other time? You seem like you actually know your shit, and believe it or not, the Reddit purist crowd gets kind of annoying after a while,” he grins, as if she hadn’t lumped him in with them just minutes ago.

Rey doesn’t usually like surprises – a childhood filled with instability and unexpected changes will do that to you – but something in her gut tells her that this man might just change that.

Gut feelings – now those she likes and trusts. So against all reason, Rey holds out her hand and says, “Give me your phone, I’ll give myself a call and we’ll see how I feel about this in the morning.”

She texts him a list of pre-movie reading material as soon as she gets home.

“I’m just saying,” Rey shrugs as they walk out of the second movie two years later, hand-in-hand like the touchy-feely couple they’ve been for the past eighteen months, “I called it right from the start. Rendemption, here we come!” she declares a little too loudly for the rest of the midnight crowd, judging by their glares.

Or maybe they’re just the kind of haters she would’ve gotten into a fight with two years ago, and it’s only her giant hulk of a boyfriend that’s keeping them from debating her now.

“Okay, so maybe he’s not as hopeless as I thought he was,” Ben concedes with a soft smile that doesn’t belong on the face of someone who’s just lost a long-standing disagreement with his gloating girlfriend. But then again, Rey’s always gotten the feeling that Ben has been rooting for Kylo to turn his life around just as much as she has; maybe even more, given the parallels he sees between them that he’d once confided in her about.

She stops short just outside of the doors, much to the displeasure of the other grumbling moviegoers, and pulls Ben aside. “Hey,” Rey says gently, reaches up with her free hand to cup Ben’s jaw. “No one’s hopeless. Not Kylo Ren,” she whispers, lets it linger for a beat before she works up the nerve to add, “and definitely not you.”

There’s a terrible beat of silence, a moment suspended in time as their lives fork out into two paths, and Rey has no way of knowing which one they’re taking until–

Ben smiles, turns to press his lips to her palm. “You’re my own personal Kira, aren’t you?” he murmurs gently, bringing his other hand to rest over hers. “The only one who believes in me no matter what.”

Rey nods and stretches up on her tiptoes to give him a quick peck on the lips. “Does that mean you’ll leave the past behind for me?” she paraphrases the movie, hiding her nerves behind a teasing note.

It’s been two months since he left Snoke’s company, two months of him trying to decide if he wants to keep going down the dark road he was on when they first met or if it’s time for him to reclaim old noble intentions which have been gathering dust ever since Snoke hired him right out of law school.

“It means I’d give you the whole galaxy if I could,” Ben promises her with that boyish smile of his that lights up her world and warms her from the inside.

“I don’t need the galaxy,” Rey tells him as she draws the hand still in hers around her waist instead and tucks herself against his side as they begin to walk again. “Just you.”

Ben laughs quietly, his warm breath tickling the shell of her ear before he presses a kiss to her temple. “Sweetheart, you’ve had me since the very first moment.”

They linger in their seats long after the music ends and the screen goes dark, taking some time to process the end of the trilogy that’s come to mean so much to them.

“Ready?” Rey eventually asks when she notices that they’re the last ones left, and Ben merely replies with a nod and a squeeze of her hand as he helps her up and they begin to leave the darkened hall behind.

“God, that was perfect,” she sighs as they leave the theater, disposing of her empty extra-large popcorn bucket before she turns to Ben to see if he’s smiling as hard as she is now.

He’s not.

In fact, Ben’s the farthest thing from smiling right now, what with his bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

“Baby!” Rey gasps in concern, doing her best to reach up and cup his face with both hands. “What is it, is something wrong–”

Ben turns into her touch, nuzzles her palm before he reaches up to take her hands in his and lower them back to their sides. “It’s okay,” he assures her after a beat, and Rey watches with slow-dawning relief as his lips curve into a smile. “It’s okay, I’m okay,” Ben says with a little laugh, a confusing note of wonder in his voice.

“Then why…?”

“I just… you were right, it was perfect,” Ben agrees with a sigh of his own. “And seeing Kylo at the end there, with Kira by his side and their whole lives ahead of them… I guess it just reminded me of how far we’ve come and how lucky I am,” he shrugs, still wearing that beatific smile that reminds her of the one he’d worn as he watched her walk down the aisle towards him.

“Oh, Ben,” Rey says softly, shakes her head with a fond smile before she tips her chin at him in a gesture he’s grown all too familiar with in the last few months of her pregnancy. At eight months, it’s gotten significantly harder for her to reach up on her tiptoes; any vertical kissing is only made possible by Ben bending all the way down to meet her.

It seems like a waste for all that effort on his part to result in a chaste peck, but they are still in public.

“Let’s get you home, Mrs. Solo,” Ben murmurs against her lips before he stands upright and wraps a protective arm around her.

Rey leans into him with a sigh, rests her head on his shoulder as Ben shuffles them forward. “I say this with all the love in my heart,” she prefaces as they step out into the chilly December night, “but I can’t believe I’m the pregnant one yet you’re the one who cried over a movie.”

Ben huffs as he pulls the keys out of his back pocket and unlocks the car parked just a few feet down the street; he’d waited nearly half an hour to get a spot right outside for her sake. “Hey now, you know better than anyone else that Star Wars isn’t just a movie to us.”

It really, really isn’t. They’d met because of these movies, bonded and fallen in love over them, used their understanding of these fictional characters as a shorthand to communicate their deepest fears and wildest dreams with each other. Every fiery defense of Kylo Ren that Rey has ever delivered was in part inspired by and meant for Ben, and it was his chance at redemption that helped Rey finally convince Ben that there’s no such thing as the point of return.

In a way, Star Wars is as real to them as anything they’ve actually lived through, as fundamental to their relationship and their life together as any other experience they’ve shared.

Hell, if it weren’t for these movies, they might never even have met.

Rey places a hand over her stomach, thinks of everything she’s been blessed with ever since a chance meeting at a midnight showing of a sci-fi movie about space and lasers and hope.

“Yeah,” she tells her husband as he helps her into the passenger seat and carefully secures the seat belt over their daughter. “Yeah, it’s definitely more than just a movie.”

This is more than two thousand words. I don’t even know what happened, you guys; I sat down to write two ficlets and ended up spending all my time on just one. This isn’t even a ficlet anymore, technically.

But... I’m kinda happy with it? It’s not perfect, far from my best work, but it ended up closer to my original outline than anything else I’ve written recently, so I’m okay with it. I hope you are too. Thanks for reading, and please don’t hesitate to like/reblog/comment!

[jiminies-ahmee]

OTHERWORLDLY TRIUMPHS - GOD!BTS AU 

CHAPTER ONE 

introductory chapter here 

Having met each other on more than one occasion, the sons of the Greats had become accustomed to one another’s… Habits. 

“Jungkook, if you were to grip that chair any harder it might just snap.” Seokjin whispered from across the table. The youngest of the seven men had arrived late and was adjusting himself in his seat with much vigour. Seokjin, the eldest of them, chuckled as Jungkook looked up at him with wide eyes before clearing his throat and placing his hands in his lap. The son of Hercules was considered to be quite young though his skills and strength rivalled that of his father’s – something Hercules was quite concerned about. In short, Jungkook simply didn’t know, nor did he understand the amount of power he harnessed within his own body. 

Jimin giggled at the sudden shyness Jungkook exhibited before he was being glared at by Yoongi who sat beside him. 

“Look, flower boy, I know you’re all happy and quite the optimist, but some people need to sleep.” 

Though they had spoken to one another on many occasions, Yoongi and Jimin couldn’t seem to get along. Jimin had tried his absolute best to get on the other’s good side, but nothing seemed to work in his favour. Not even his flowers. 

“Sorry.” He mumbled, feeling disheartened and embarrassed as Yoongi turned away from him. 

Despite Jimin’s optimistic exterior, Yoongi knew and understood the real Jimin; a frightened child with deep scars invisible to the naked eye. As the son of Morpheus, Yoongi had grown to harness the power of entering and manipulating dreams of others. Though the pair both dwelled in the Underworld, they had never He had never encountered Jimin in person – though they both did live in the Underworld – he was surprised to see how bubbly he was. Jimin’s dreams were never dreams, but nightmares. Yoongi watched them from a distance in the younger’s mind and iThe son of Persephone and Hades encountered nightmares in his sleep every night, and Yoongi knew the details of them all too well. 

Each night, when Yoongi sifted through the dreams of those in the Underworld, it seemed Jimin’s always caught his attention. The younger seemed to recall the straining marriage of his parents in his dreams – and memories of it frightened Yoongi even. Though he himself hadn’t grown up with a mother, Yoongi knew that whatever Jimin had gone through and still was - it was painful. 

Yoongi remembered one night specifically when he had really feared for the safety and life of Jimin. The night sky was clear, almost like that of Yoongi’s mind in that moment - almost. As if an instinct, he found himself wandering into Jimin’s dreams like he did every night. 

He didn’t want to admit that he’d grown emotionally attached to the young god, he simply told himself that he wanted to make sure he was safe. 

On this night, however, he certainly was not. In his dream, Jimin sat in the corner of a room, much like that a child’s room. With his knees pressed tight against his chest, his body shuddered violently as he let out loud sobs. It almost escaped Yoongi that this was a dream as he reached out to comfort Jimin, only to pull himself back. He could never physically interfere with a dream, but only with his powers - a gift which was limited at the time as Yoongi was only learning then. He stepped back as his attention was pulled towards the door to the room which was closed. From beneath it, Yoongi could see a yellow light, and it seemed there were two people standing in front of it. 

Then he heard the voices. 

“Please! Release me and my son! We must leave to my home in Olympus!” A woman wailed. 

“Have you forgotten that you are now my property, Persephone? You and that child are mine, and I will never allow you to leave the Underworld. This is your home now.” A gruff, gravely voice boomed. 

It didn’t take Yoongi very long to realise who the voices belonged to. They were Jimin’s parents: Hades and Persephone. 

Along with Jimin’s sobs and his parents’ argument came the sound of howling wind and crackling thunder. But then something occurred, something that confused Yoongi. His eyes were now settled on Jimin who had lifted his head, his eyes focussed on the ceiling. He continued to sob, his eyes, nose and cheeks red as tears stained them. His lips moved, his body tensing as if he were screaming at the top of his lungs, but no sounds left him. All that Yoongi could hear was the echoing wails of Jimin’s mother and the storm outside. 

Jimin’s next actions were so abrupt that Yoongi flinched slightly as the younger staggered to his feet before charging at the closed door. He made no attempt at opening it, instead he began slamming his clenched fist against it. The thumping sound cracked the air like a whip and Yoongi’s eyes widened as blood began trickling down Jimin’s bare wrist. 

And then he began banging his forehead against it repeatedly. Yoongi watched on helplessly, until Jimin slammed his head against the door as hard as he could, the action silencing every sound Yoongi had heard before. The room was eerily silent, and the air was so thick with the feeling of melancholy and Yoongi watched Jimin nervously. 

The boy crumbled to the floor, revealing his bloodied and bruised face as he whispered a breathless, “Please stop.” 

And that was where the dream ceased - everything turned to a bright white. 

Yoongi’s mind began filled with the thought and vision of Jimin ever since. He continued to peer into the younger’s dreams, and as his powers grew stronger and more refined, he began changing them at his own will. He had spoken to his father, Morpheus about Jimin’s dreams (he didn’t reveal Jimin’s identity though) and he was given the permission to do as he pleased so long as it was with the right intentions. 

However, these changes didn’t go unnoticed by Jimin, though he wasn’t exactly sure what the cause of it was. These days, his dreams were only of happy moments, both from his own memories or configurations of his own imagination. It pleased him to feel the burden of his parents’ inability to work things out between themselves. 

His grandmother, Demeter, the mother of his own had absolutely shattered at the disappearance of her daughter. Unbeknownst to her, Zeus, Jimin’s grandfather had willingly given his mother to Hades through marriage. There had been arguments and breakdowns that Jimin couldn’t bring himself to recall. It didn’t matter anymore. For now, his family feigned happiness and laughter when stuffed in a room together - whether it be in the Underworld or Olympus. Everything that had once been so true and pure had withered away into nothing but lies and darkness. 

Jimin smiled as Taehyung rubbed his back comfortingly. The two had become close friends after meeting by chance in the Underworld when they were children. With that one simple encounter, their lives had intertwined with one another like that of vines. They were each other’s soulmates in friendship - their relationship had been deemed by fate. 

And Jimin was grateful to have had Taehyung by his side until now, Taehyung the same. 

“When do you think we’ll be sent down to the mortal world? Don’t the gods go down there and fix their problems?” Taehyung asked in a bored manner.

“It’s not as simple as you think, Taehyung. Times have changed now, the humans think of our existence as well… merely that of a fantasy. I mean, if you were a mortal, wouldn’t you think the same?” Namjoon asked. 

Jungkook clearly didn’t understand that Namjoon’s question had in fact been rhetorical as he blurted, “How naive of them. They think their world turned out how it is because of their own work?” The youngest scoffed. 

Namjoon chuckled, shaking his head at Jungkook’s words, “Jungkook, don’t be so quick to judge beings you know close to nothing about. It’s not right.” 

It was quite simple for the others to understand that this was one of the reasons as to why Namjoon would take on role of leader, and they didn’t mind one bit. Namjoon had grown up in an environment of warmth, love and wisdom. However, there was no absence of struggle or frustration. During his youth, Namjoon had struggled to understand his mother’s teachings, and for some time he considered fleeing from his duties. 

Time was what had changed Namjoon. As he grew older and wiser, the words his mother once spoke which seemed like gibberish at the time could now be read and recited aloud fluently. Everything had begun to make sense. 

“What makes you think I don’t know anything about them?” Jungkook asked, his eyebrows raised in challenge. 

“Well… Firstly, you obviously don’t know what century they’re living in, if you think they can’t believe they built their world with their own hands.” 

[goldenscript]

the taste of ambrosia (among other things)

pairing: min yoongi | reader genre: kiki’s delivery service au / fluff word count: 8,029 description: Min Yoongi has always been content with his life as a feline, really, it’s all he’s ever known, but he would be lying if he said he never once imagined what life was like with two legs instead of four. At least until you came along. author’s note: happy (late) 18th birthday to my majo bun aka @jungnoir! i figured i might as well write out your fantasies for jiji!yoongi, and even though this is late i hope this mini monster makes up for it. ilysm bb! <3

Desires take form in dreams, in wishes. They’re the sorts of things that cause trouble for people, because sometimes they’ll spend endless days and nights trying to get a taste. It’s akin to ambrosia—a gift from the gods above, like a nectar not just of the sweetest affirmations but the tangy bursts of tangibility. It’s there. Right in the center of calloused palms is a fallen petal from the cherry blossom tree in winter. But, that’s the thing. This is something so fleeting and so potent for the weak-hearted. It’s all hard to believe anyone can get it because as all things do, they fall.

Or, more or less, land uncomfortably.

Min Yoongi has a particularly rough landing, giving a particularly feral snarl to no one aside from the viridescent and burnt sienna expanse. He bites back the snark at the tip of his tongue as his canine companion motivates him to move forth with the prodding of a hazel-speckled paw. Not that the insufferable brat would even hear him anyway.

This isn’t the first time Taehyung ordered and (literally) sent him to do out-of-the-way tasks; oftentimes, he was out venturing the small town with a plastic bag in tow or Jimin himself to haul the wagon just to get it to the cursed, (not-so) little witch. They’ve never been anything far-fetched. Usually a root of mandrake or a sprig of baby’s breath, maybe a delivery made on his behalf, but these trips have become farther and frequent as of late with the difficulty of spells only increasing.

Of course, it’s only expected when the three of them have all been born and bred for this kind of thing.

Growing up with Taehyung prepared and primed him for a life of companionship over servitude. Throughout the years, this became more than just a contract between magical beings unlike how most people could see it on the outside. In-between the large bouts of duty came laughter over frivolous things, late nights where they poured out all their anxieties and excitements for a future so close yet so far, birthdays and holidays celebrated to its fullest effects, failed spells that have left him with a few resentments (after all, he swears his tail is hell of a lot shorter than it should’ve been after that lengthening charm), and successful spells that had Taehyung crying and him trying not to.

All of which spanned across a set of twenty-one years when he came four years after the aforementioned came into existence. Yoongi has seen him grow up and become someone that’s only gotten better at his craft with each passing year. He’s still trying no matter how hard it’s been (and they both can honestly say it’s been plenty hard).

Such a ripe, young age for that witch’s profession, but he knows his long-time friend will go places, far and untouched by others, with him and Jimin tagging right along. This is just one of those steps to help expand the young boy’s dream, where the two familiars can do things the former can’t when exams and practices run higher stakes.

During moments of stillness, the kind that comes with trekking through endless kilometers of hundred-acre woods, leaves Yoongi to his thoughts. He drowns out the quips that Jimin is yapping about, not that it’s important very much anyway. The very same contemplation of the night before resumes—this time, it’s existence.

There’s usually no set conclusion, of course, asides from the bitter fact that at some point everyone will become translucent wisps floating around the world to either take up a new form or just to engage in the lush, multicolored meadows with images on their soles touching the ground and chloroplast painting pictures on their skins. Beyond all of that, it’s hard to say much else. Maybe consider what everything is all about or if there are things one wished they could have in this life. He’s only ever considered between wanting to be human and wanting to sleep for a whole year. His motivations in its entirety come in his nature, a natural affiliation for sleep and recuperation from all the strenuous tasks given to him for sixteen years and a natural instinct that may have others consider calling him a cliché—curiosity.

He hears a lot of what humanhood is like, sees it for what it is from his very skewed perspective, and understands it only so much before his brain gets completely thrown into overdrive and he has to snap at the other person to talk in a language he can understand before he storms off to sleep off all the yearning that constricts his chest like a coil only tightening each time he tries to soothe the pangs.

Feeling so sad over something so trivial is silly. It’s childish. This is that sort of feeling one is always so certain they’ve outgrown well past their prepubescent years when all the questions and hopes are at their highest peaks. He’s come to terms with the fact that he would never be human, that his fate as a feline will be his fate from start to finish. It’s not quite so bad anyway.

He can sleep whenever he pleases for however long until he’s needed, his food is provided to him because he simply can’t reach, and he gets lots of affection just from being this furry, soft-looking creature despite how cold-hearted he really is on the inside. His life is pretty much set for him, even more privileged than most since his own quips and needs can actually be heard unlike the regulars. However, he still feels largely unhappy.

He yearns to see the world at a higher peak, to understand what two legs are like if only just to know if it’s as tiresome as Taehyung claims, and to feel love because he hears that it’s different when you’re human. Not just in who you love but in the magnitude, because love as a cat is minimal. It’s considered superficial, really. You see your potential lover, and suddenly the whole world stops—it’s akin to love at first sight, according to Taehyung. But in a way, Yoongi’s never been fond of those sorts of things.

Stepping across a fallen log, Jimin no longer yipping over something that happened in town during his last delivery, Yoongi becomes particularly immersed in his idea of love. It’s slow and steady, the kind that happens after time, leaving only more and more curiosity in its wake. To him, love is far more like the universe. A place of wonder, of vastness, and of understanding that make take ages to comprehend but it’s that effort that really culminates it well past infatuation and into actual, wholesome love.

He’s certain that the right one comes by chance, by some circumstance that changes his whole world. Perhaps out of humanity, he just wants to be able to love someone as much as they love him, and to finally taste the rarity of ambrosia that so many have just once, if not twice. If only—

“Yoongi!” Jimin’s voice sounds exasperated, his snout nudging Yoongi’s back leg. “Didn’t you hear me?”

Looking at his friend with a scoff falling passed his lips, he asks, “No, ‘course not! I’ve had you drowned out since we landed. What do you want?”

“We’re here!” He follows Jimin’s snout, catching a glimpse of the cream-colored cottage. The mariana blue shingles on the top are U-shaped, almost like the poorly-drawn ruffles Taehyung used to make during arts-and-crafts but not as grotesque. The windows are screenless without the blinds drawn, only faint outlines of its contents to be seen as the two of them drew nearer.

The surrounding air dances with hints of vanilla and very faint traces of cinnamon, a very low humming emitting from the amicable home, even Yoongi finds his interest piqued. It’s almost like Taehyung’s with the homebody atmosphere a major staple for a witch, it’s the sort of place that makes you want to curl up into a ball and nap by the windowsill, maybe even drink tea by the porch just to get lost in their thoughts. It’s a comfortable place, it’s… well, it’s like back home. Even the small puffs of smoke floating away from the chimney has the pair getting closer and closer.

Patches of grass and peeks of calla lilies lead the two along the pathway, steps so careful not to trample on the Earth for fear that they might disturb the peace. It’s a habit, almost an involuntary action not to trip the balance in the presence of magic, where the world is at its purest. The music still continues, beckoning them forth with hearts laden in warmth and stars in their eyes, until they’re standing beneath the curved, white-frame doorway, peering inside. Starting from the dark mahogany floorboards, starting their way to their left to the well-decorated walls filled with photos of your friends and family, past the door-less entryway into what they assumed is the kitchen, on the other wall are a few pieces of art that neither of them try to decipher but there are some familiar-looking watercolor paintings, the dining room appears to be straight ahead with a large viney plant atop a table that matches the wood on the floors, and a compact, open space on the left, a large grey rug basically inviting Yoongi to lay down and nap upon.

Instead of waiting as expected, he does another quick once over ahead of him, not really straining very hard to confirm that you’re inside, before he slips inside and Jimin hastily following close behind.

He harshly whispers his name, brows furrowing ever-so-slightly from what Yoongi can see from the corner of his eye. “You can’t barge into someone’s home like

“The door was open. That’s basically inviting people inside.”

“I guess... hey!”

Yoongi continues on his way inside, finding a long corridor a little past the open space and the chimney on the far left of the dining area. It’s connected to the kitchen, a large open window where he catches a glimpse of your hair. He sees you swaying your hips and humming to the same song he heard upon entering but he can’t quite decipher where it’s from, but he doesn’t quite care to find out considering it isn’t terrible—he actually kinda likes it.

“Yoongi—!” Jimin’s voice disrupts the tranquility, earning a glare from the dark-haired feline.

“Shut up,” he glowers, recoiling onto his heels before jumping onto the counter.

Now he can see what you’re up to, throwing in sprigs of rosemary, a dash of glimmering scales, and giving the giant pot a stir. You’re donning a loose T-shirt and jeans with the same description and hair’s tied together loosely into a makeshift ponytail. He can’t tell what you look like or if you’ve noticed him or Jimin, but your back remains turned from the two of them and it makes him itch with a small inkling of curiosity, because did you look like? It wasn’t like he could tell from the photos hanging on the way, nor did he pay great, detailed attention to any of them. He just knew you had to be pretty, because Taehyung had a bit of a goofy look on his face when he talked about you (but the goof has always been a mess around other girls anyway).

Regardless, he does find out. It takes only a moment before grumbling Jimin decides that he’ll join him on the counter, recoiling onto his hind legs before giving a mighty leap. It falls short (as always), only his front paws making contact with the wood before he slowly slips down from the lack of grip and comes crashing into a heap on the floor.

It’s a loud sound that even has you jumping, causing Yoongi’s gaze to snap at his clumsy friend with a groan escaping his lips.

“You idiot, way to make an entrance.”

His paw catches his snout, small exasperated sigh sailing past his lips before he turns his body to watch you. He’s finally able to study your visage, the natural contours and the bright gleam in your eyes reminds him of the photo he saw by your doorway when you were beside Taehyung and another companion. Even when your eyes are glazed over in worry and hint of surprise, you still look at them with a smile on your lips.

A small laugh tumbles out as you place a hand on your hip, “you two do know that sneaking up on someone isn’t polite?”

“It’s also not safe to just leave your door wide open.”

You raise a brow at him, lips twitching as you state, “Well, it isn’t like many people wander around this area anyway.”

His shoulders rise, only to fall as Jimin finally pipes in: “Hello! You’re Y/N right? Taehyung sent me—my name’s Jimin—and Yoongi—over there—for stuff. I forget what it was.”

The white and hazel-colored canine looks over at him with his head slightly tilted, “d’ya remember?”

He gives an eyeroll, “Like I’d remember what that scatter brain needs.”

Jimin frowns slightly, looking at you with what would appear to be a pout to anyone else. (Yoongi knows he’s just trying not to get scolded if you’re that kind of person.) “Sorry, miss. I forget what we came for, but Tae sent us… if that helps. Heh.”

“Oh yes!” you exclaim, immediately clapping your hands before scurrying back into your kitchen. Jimin waits patiently, but Yoongi simply turns around just to watch you grab a few vials of whatever concoction you had cooking up. It has a alluring purple hue, with smoke wafting off the ladle as it slips into the glass before getting capped off by accompanying corks. There’s nothing familiar about any of them, only a hint of mint intermingled in the already too-sweet smelling air.

You return to the two of them as you place all the vials into a purple velvet drawstring pouch, setting the cargo in front of Jimin. This time he actually notices the small details like the lack of shoes adorning your feet, the loose hairs framing your face without much try, and the apron tied around your waist with one too many things all threatening to slip out of the pockets.

He doesn’t miss the dark brown wand sticking out from the largest one or the small vials and sprigs of herbs from the smaller ones. Each of them a familiar hue of a certain ability, all mashing a plethora of scents that didn’t smell like anything Taehyung tried cooking one time. They all seem to be arranged by shades, with an aquamarine shade punctuating the almost rainbow that hung precariously at the corner of the stained pocket.

He’s about to open his mouth to warn you, but as soon as your attention flits from Jimin to him, it falls and a puff of white ensues.

Of course, this is normal. Things like that always fall (mostly with the clumsy witches but they can’t help it sometimes). They’re usually those sorts of things that can sprout a flower right where it landed or even cause everyone in the close proximity to fall in love with the first thing they lay their eyes on. Simple things. They don’t usually hurt, and they most certainly wear off,  but beyond the obvious uncertainty of what the vial was, what it does elicits a rush of deep pain and tingling that has him and what he can make out aside from the ringing of his ears are Jimin’s own whimpering that has him squinting through the dissipating white.

In place of white and hazel is the form of a boy with fair skin and brunet locks in disarray. If it wasn’t for his eyes, Yoongi would’ve dismissed him but he knows that damn pup anywhere and it has to be him. It’s weird to think, of course. He’s never once seen a familiar in their human form, let alone seen Jimin in his, but the years spent together even with the mask of indifference he holds so high into the sky, he can spot his friend anywhere.

It would’ve quirked a smile on his lips, if not for the sudden screech you let out as you quickly run into another room with things in hand and tossing it at the two of them.

“What the hell—” he snarls, catching what appears to be a T-shirt and a pair of fluorescent yellow shorts that could only belong to one horribly dressing boy he knew. But that isn’t what stops him short.

No, it’s the sight of milky fingers and the clench of a fist that most certainly belongs to him. His mouth immediately falls open, looking to you and then Jimin as the younger boy’s mouth falls open and his name parts the plump pink lips.

The nearest item in his mitts is a stray spoon laying off to the side, and his first action is to grab it in hopes of catching a glimpse of whatever change has come to him—well, truthfully, it was more or less to confirm that this was actually happening—and although even just grabbing it with his free hand is an odd sensation, his body acts so naturally and that makes the whole situation even more peculiar.

His heart is pounding so loudly in his chest he actually feels a hint of embarrassment as he catches a glimpse of what should’ve been a black Bombay cat but is that what he sees? No, what he sees is everything he’s only ever dreamt of in being a human—alabaster skin so smooth and supply it felt absolutely foreign and familiar all at once, hair as dark as his fur hung over his forehead with the tips kissing the lids of his eyes, and he was bare, almost positively without any form of clothing that he was used to carrying on his own back.

Compared to Jimin, who’s lean and quite built even in this form, he is thin and wiry, almost underweight if he thought back to human body standards. There were still traces of boyishness to his companion while he was a devoid of it, with traces of actual fatigue coating his visage because of this physical change.

Insteading firing questions your way, he shrugs on the clothes and flashes a lazy smile toward you and Jimin when he catches a sight of the leaking bag on the ground, “Have fun you two.”

The brunet laughs, adjusting his shirt as he waves him off. “Of course.” It sounds like a scoff, but the traces of playfulness only has the older man grinning a little more now that his back is turned to them.

“What? Where are you going?” you ask, blinking and brows furrowing. He knows he should probably stick around to hear what’s supposed to happen now, maybe even fix whatever was done, but he doesn’t want to hear it or fix it for that matter. In fact, all he really wants to do is feel the rug beneath him and fall into the void of slumber.

Glancing at you from over his shoulder, he says simply, “M’gonna nap.”

— 

When Yoongi wakes by Jimin’s hand, he has to refrain from trying to bare his fangs at the latter though the small canines still manage to strike some fear. It seems that while he was out, you explained to Jimin the simple gists that this would be temporary for a few more days and that the broken vials would need to be replaced so the journey back to Taehyung would also take much longer (a week maximum). And it’s all these things that send relief coursing through his body. For once in his life, his dreams have come true. 

The taste of humanity has always been fleeting and far, the sort of thing that could only happen if he pushed his subconscious hard enough and maybe manifest into his dreams. Sometimes it worked, but other times he felt the whole thing become a nightmare to watch something so close be dangled right before him, only to be snatched away like those godforsaken cat toys that Taehyung thought were funny when he was younger. Now that he has his dream in the form of reality, right in his hands like a precious gemstone, he’s more than willing to bask in its beauty and hold it tight while he still can. 

Even as the tasks you entrust to him and Jimin to take care of run on a little, the bright blue hues have long since fades in shades of scarlet and peach, with the cool air settling in and the inhabitants of the forest becoming the house’s music. You’ve worked just as hard to salvage the rest of the vials for Taehyung’s upcoming project, though there are no traces of the former soot and baby hairs sticking up haphazardly. It’s obvious that despite the backfire of some of your charms, you’re still in a jovial mood.

Truthfully, even he’s actually been enjoying the use of his newfound arms and legs. They’ve grown on him now that he’s gotten the hang of them, and from what he can see—even Jimin is enjoying his new form, tiring himself out especially with the heavy lifting. He isn’t outside with either of you, instead his light snores are being muffled by the shut door of the guest bedroom.  

What a shame, he thinks to himself, Jimin would love the view. 

It’s peaceful sitting out back—the trees aren’t as congested around the surrounding area, giving a front-row view of the twinkling stars. Each of them stark against their dark canvas, painting pictures of Greek myths that Taehyung (and by extension, him and Jimin) once had to study with a close eye. He couldn’t pull up any of them from memory, but he always enjoyed the fact that each of the heroes and even the deities had dreams in one way or another, whether it was to maintain their status or to fall in love, they all wanted something in this life, and it made him want more too.

He lets out a soft sigh, not quite as harsh as he’s used to, but perhaps his own fatigue has set in to tame the biting beast inside him. He’s used to becoming more lax during late hours though this is a little different.

There’s a question on the tip of his tongue he never thought he’d ever utter though. Of course, he’s only ever asked Taehyung once about the matter, the younger boy sported a knowing grin and inquired why, only making Yoongi close off further discussion. It was embarrassing, even just the thought of admitting that he’s dreamt of being human makes him shudder. If his other brunet friend knew, then it’d be endless inquiries and teasing because he’s never shown any sort of romantic interest in anything besides sleep and tuna night. Honestly, the idea of Yoongi so much as wishing to be human is a little more unlikely to Jimin admitting he always wanted to eat chocolate.

But when he sits beside you, the end of your blanket covering his right side and your own body leaned close next to his, he can’t help but feel a form of contentment. Maybe it’s his defenses lowering or maybe it’s his semi-fatigued brain coaxing him to just be okay with all of this. Either way, he holds onto these reasons, because it isn’t like he felt that at ease with you anyway. (Maybe…)

He releases a soft breath. His head turns in your direction but the words don’t fall off his lips as easily as he wishes they would.

“Something wrong, Yoongi?” you ask, slowly turning your gaze from the high heavens to him.  

He wants to shake his head, but he can’t seem to do that either. He doesn’t know what it is about you, whether it’s the stupid (read: adorable) look you’re giving him or the warmth you’re spreading to him, that makes him feel this weird. Normally Taehyung and Jimin are the tongue-tied fools, but the words on the tip of his tongue refuse to budge.

The corners of your lips curl and cue flutters in his chest. He just frowns, “What?”

“Are you always this shy?”

“M-me? Shy?” He wants to laugh, even if it is true.

“Well, are you?” you ask with a raised brow.

When he makes a guttural sound that is neither a snarl or an actual sound that’s more akin to what you would consider a ‘tsk,’ you nudge him and only make the sound more louder. He can’t help it. All of his reactions are involuntarily because of you, and he can’t get a handle on why exactly (but his heart may or may not already know…).

Instead of making another sound to drive you off his tail, he just grunts a negation. “I’m just trying to…” He briefly pauses before coming up with a somewhat applicable answer, “figure out how to phrase my question.”

You don’t look particularly convinced, but he doesn’t care because 1) your smile is still in tact and 2) now he feels a little less awkward about asking such a deep, soul bearing question. Because what is humanity, really? What makes a person human? And, if he, a feline familiar, is temporarily in this human form then what can he do to truly bask in this opportunity?

The answer seems so simple to just go off by example, but when he thinks back to models that pop out the most in his mind, he has to refrain from considering any of them presentable as a role model. He’d rather not take Taehyung’s words with heavy intent for one thing, or the many characters on the streets that varied between relatively kind and downright mean. The happy medium seems to be a hard find in itself, all the semantics of humanity seem so complicated and circumstantial, he feels like his head might spin right off his neck if he so much as tried to understand it all.  

So, without a second thought, he goes with the sole question that has always hung precariously off his tongue with a casual drawl: “What do I do to be more human?”

The questions catches you off guard for sure, but perhaps it’s the reminder that he wasn’t actually a human by grand design that makes your features melt back into its former amusement.

“You don’t know?” He gives you a look, earning himself a scoff in return. “Well that’s one thing you shouldn’t do.”

He tilts his head at you, “What?”

You laugh, stating quite bluntly, “Be a jerk.”

He nods slowly, making a mental note to be a little nicer. (Though the last time he was on a delivery and he crossed the street too quickly, the driver far more meaner things to say than what Yoongi just said.)  

“When you’re human, you should, y’know, be more… human… show empathy,” you explain, eying him with relative sternness. It’s kind of fascinating to see what else you have to say on the matter so he continues to watch you speak. “Some people may not show it, but that’s them. Those sorts of people can be jerks, but I know you’re a cool cat somewhere underneath all that hostility so I expect a little more from you.”

As you lean your visage closer to his, he can’t help but lean back in response. His cheeks respond, an encompassing warmth biting against the cool air. “H-how would I do that?”

You just grin, tone nonchalant as ever despite how close your visage seems to be. “Listen to them when they’re speaking, help them out when you know they need it, basically try to understand them.”

He’s never really had to empathize with other people. For him, his tasks were often straightforward and to the point so it didn’t leave much room to dilly-dally. Always get from Point A to Point B in X amount of time. Plus, being with Taehyung and Jimin always left free time spent together rather than off in different areas doing whatever there was to do.

This time around his next question falls past his lips in ease—

“Well, what’s the best way to do that? Understand them, I mean.”

“Talk to them!” you laugh, watching as his expression betrays the confusion racing through his head. Of course, this doesn’t stop you from positioning yourself to face him, hints of an authoritative tone laced between the casual words: “Like… well, here—we can talk and try to understand each other.”

When he nods slowly, still watching as you say with a much softer tone, “What’s your favorite color and why?”

“Black… because I like it.” When you laugh, he frowns a little,—what’s so funny about that?—“what’s your favorite color?”

You grin in amusement, though he has to fight back his own smile when he hears your response: “Green.”

He heaves out a sigh, feeling kind of alright with the fact that he’s talking to someone other than his two goofs for best friends. “Why?”

“You’ll think this is really cheesy but it’s because green is so full of life! It’s literally everywhere and I guess I just associate it with nature so being around this much green makes me happy.”

He thinks for a moment; after all, he’s trying to understand you rather than speak about himself (which would’ve been a feat anyway because there really isn’t much to say about himself in the first place), so he choose his next few words with careful consideration, “I… see. Have you always loved nature?”

“Good job!” you exclaim, giving his leg a pat. It catches him off guard but he’s kind of mesmerized by the way you’ve just brightened up underneath the moonbeams. “And yeah, i love the atmosphere. It’s cleaner than the city and a lot emptier too. Truthfully, I’ve always been okay with being alone, so this place is literally heaven to me.”

That definitely strikes him as interesting, so he lets his own instincts take over and he says the first thing that comes to mind. “You don’t seem like it… from—um—the photos.”

“I mean I love people, just not how cities seem to hurt the earth.”

“That makes sense… I hate how cities do that too.” he says, thinking back to the many time him and Jimin shared conversations similar to this. Not many people knew how badly animals—familiars, especially—could be affected by environments so he takes the initiative to explain himself. “The kind of pollution that comes in those places makes it harder to live longer and it sets us off easily.”

There’s pensive silence that ensues as you nod, digesting the information. He doesn’t feel quite as nervous now that he’s aired out some of his feelings about things. It’s a bitter reality, but as terrible as it is, he can’t help but feel a smile creep on his features as you joke, “No wonder you’re so tense. It’s all that city air.”

He pursues his lips and just rolls his eyes. “I thought you said to be human is to be nicer.”

“Well, I’m a witch so…” Without warning, he taps your forehead with his index finger. “Hey!”

This time around Yoongi just can’t contain himself or the muscles on his face, because he cracks a smile and watches as a small pout forms on your lips. It’s really cute and it kind of squeezes his heart in a nice way, but he’s certainly not going to say a word about that no matter how comfortable he’s beginning to feel around you.

“Oh hey…” you pause, staring at him.

His lips tighten up but the smile refuses to dissipate. “What?”

“You have a nice smile.”

He blushes, looking away from you because you can’t see if it you’re not looking at his face right? Who cares if it’s nighttime. He’s not taking any chances. “S-shut up.”

Despite how cool the air was that night, Yoongi felt warmer than ever from his cheeks to his chest. Sitting beside you with mugs of tea in hand put him in ease, his heart just couldn’t seem to stop beating so damn fast but another part of him was kind of (okay, really) okay with it.

The feelings are new, but he likes that talking to you and spending time with you makes him feel more human each day. And although only a few have passed, he’s grown used to being in his human form. It’s not difficult or annoying actually. He enjoys having opposable thumbs and being able to sleep undisturbed because now he can kick perpetrators out of the area and return to his comfortable warmth. Honestly, despite not being able to jump on counters without banging up a knee or squeeze into tight spaces, he actually can live without any of those things.

The remake of the potions succeeded not too long ago, maybe a day or so, prompting Taehyung to inquire about his order. You’ve long since explained the situation, only earning laughter on the other end because apparently it’s kind of expected for you to drop a thing or two more often than not. This unleashed inquiries of when either of his familiars would return, and it’s been pretty obvious that Yoongi Isn't quite ready to go yet.

“I can go,” Jimin smiles, looking between you and the former feline. “I’ve been meaning to go back to the city. I miss Tae!”

Yoongi comments dryly, though the edges of excitement feel a little hard to contain, “Don’t you mean you miss your neighbor girlfriend?”

Rouge creeps up the brunet’s visage like vines, but he remains somewhat indignant in his response. “Pfft, psh! Being home would be nice, y’know. You just stay put, maybe find out how long this will last and I’ll probably come back for the remaining potions.”

“I can just deliver them when they’re ready?”

“Nah, I know you’ll miss me so we can travel back together.”

This earns the former canine an eye roll and a feigned look of disgust. “Bye, Min.”

“Bye, Yoongi!” he grins, hugging the older man before embracing you. “You two try not to have too much without me!” 

The familiar puff of smoke has the brunet materialized away back to Taehyung.

Without Jimin, Yoongi feels a little empty. He’s grown so accustomed to his company that having gone so quickly is weird. At least until you latch a hand around his wrist and whisk him off to the kitchen with a few supplies awaiting the two of you on the counter.

“You’re making me do heavy lifting?” He meets your eyes with a raise of his brow. “Do I look like that muscle pup?”

You laugh, scrunching your nose as you drag him closer. “It’s nothing you can’t handle, you lazy cat. Look! There’s just blankets and a basket.”

“For?” He tilts his head at the load with a careful eye. “A picnic?”

“I mean wouldn’t it be nice to sit out at a nicer spot than my backyard?” You can’t contain the smile spreading across your lips. “C’mon, I promise it’ll be really nice. It’s a small hike but I figured since you’ve been such a big help and becoming a really great human that we could, y’know, celebrate that.”

Between the shine in your eyes and the pout on your lips, he can’t deny you. It’s ridiculous because when he thinks about it, nearly a full week has passed since his and Jimin’s arrival in your place. And here he is, beckoning to your whim. Your growth on him has been exponential, the kind of person you are to the things you like to do and what certain topics make you feel have just slipped between the two of you with long conversation, with his observations of you, and with this undeniable desire of his to just bask in all this time with you.

He sees why Taehyung talks highly of you. The way his friend lights up at very sound of your name or reminders of you whenever the three of them go out. The brunet has many friends. So many people know him and talk to him, but you’ve always been one of those really special friends that he holds near and dear. And for Yoongi to be able to see and hear just how witty and funny you are makes him very addicted to your atmosphere.

Your aura is unparalleled, and he actually finds it very hard to believe that you don’t have a familiar because people you and Taehyung usually do. The kind souls keep theirs, so it kind of strikes as odd that you don’t.

His thoughts and your words keep him company as the two of you reach your final stretch toward this secret spot. It makes him feel elated because you admit that no one else has seen it, and that out of everyone you’ve met and come to know (despite how short) he’s the one you want to show. His grip tightens on the items you given him, his brows raised as he begins to see the forest around you two melt into an open field, bare of any trees that could hinder the sight of the twinkling stars above.

He sees why you keep it hidden from everyone else. The place is simplistic with a touch of what feels like home to him—with several other accompanying hills offering the same vantage point as this spot, but he can tell from the tall grass and the small sleep flowers surround the area that this is yours.

He smiles at you, unabashed this time. “It’s beautiful.”

You grin, guiding toward the center where it’s most clear. “Thank you. I found it when I first moved here and I come here sometimes. I thought I’d take you since you’ve been really great, Yoongi.”

His voice gets smaller as he mutters while looking away, “Thank you.”

“No, Yoongi.” He looks up at you in confusion, “Thank you.”

— 

There’s a particular stillness that falls between the two of them after the food’s been eaten and the incessant chatter becomes a dull hum among the chorus of branches rustling and the crickets chirping, even a few notes from the prowling owls. The starry night takes up both your attentions with the luminescence shedding light upon the scene.

You brought a battery-powered lantern, but you two decided to keep off until it was time to head back, if neither of you fell asleep right then and there. Truthfully, Yoongi would’ve. His ability to fall asleep anywhere and everywhere was uncanny and unparalleled compared to most, but the racing of his own thoughts keeps him wide awake beside you.

The obvious one is the scariest one—his human form. Of course, none of this is permanent, but the realization that he would no longer be this way makes his heart hurt. He wouldn’t be able to flash a sarcastic thumbs up or walk around on two legs. His daily tasks as a human would be done as a feline, and whether it was possible to do such things in that form was still up for debate. For him, losing this also meant losing out on opportunities he didn’t think he would have as a familiar. It’s even worse to consider losing his familial status, not because he enjoys it—well, of course he does—but if he wasn’t a familiar, then would Taehyung still want to see him? After all, did this happen with your familiar? Did yours up and leave you to loneliness?

He doesn’t realize how engrossed in his thought he’s been until you repeat his name, accompanied with a nudge of your shoulders this time.

Letting out a sigh, he cranes his head toward yours and turns back toward the stars when he realizes you’re staring at him. “Sorry... what’s up?”

“S’okay,” you say, a breathy laugh falling past your lips as you look back up at the stars. “Do you like being human, Yoongi?”

“Well, yeah,” he says immediately. “A lot, actually.”

“Has it been a dream of yours?”

Am I that transparent?

He blinks, raising a brow at you. “How’d you figure?”

“You asked me how to be more human. My old familiar did that when I first spilled that potion on someone.”

“That’s why you don’t have a familiar?”

You nod, “It’s not a big deal. I live here and do orders, as more of a pick-up place so I don’t really need a familiar to do things when I can do them myself.”

“I see…”

“Yeah, so how long has this been a dream for you?”

“A while,” he admits, a soft laugh parting his lips. Yet another question is on the tip of his tongue, threatening to fall off but he’s hesitating just a little time around. Whether it’s fear of the answer or just his own anxiety keeping him from asking, he doesn’t know but what does part his lips eases him just a centimeter. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, of course you can,” you smile, waiting now that he’s laid a pathway for an answer he’s kind of dreading to hear.

“I know this won’t last forever… so what’s my expiration date on this whole thing?” he asks, daring to look at you. He finds that you’re back to staring, and it makes his heart thrum just a little. 

“Usually a few more days, weeks at most…” you answer, grazing over his features before you continue with one more word that he feels more hope he should. “Unless…”

His voice is soft, mind still loudly screaming at the prospect of this being a forever. “Unless?”

“Well, unless you really wish to stay human.” 

He opens his mouth to say something on his mind, but as he tries to conjure up the nerve he can’t seem to really think. He knows he wants to be human. He wants it so bad. Even more than tuna night  at Taehyung’s, but the golden-skin boy with the boy of haphazard brunet lock becomes apparent in the back of his mind and it leaves him feeling a little bittersweet. “...I see.”

“Is everything alright?”

He tries to scoff out a laugh, but his throat wavers just a bit. “Y-yeah, why?”

“Well, I thought you’d be more excited to know you could really be human…” you admit, trying to laugh off your own small disappointment but he doesn’t miss it at all. 

“I mean, of course. I just don’t want to get my hopes up y’know?” It’s a partial lie and he knows it. You probably know it too, but you don’t call him out on it.

“Oh, I understand, but I promise if it’s what you really want then you will stay human…” you try to reassure, smiling a little at him. He feels sad to think that if he stops being human, he wouldn’t be able to share another moment like this with you. “That is what you want, right?”

He sighs and admits, “I don’t know. I’d feel bad if I left Taehyung like that, but… I really want to stay human. God,” He releases a soft chuckle. “I’ve wanted it since I was a kitten, honestly. And you made that come true, so seriously thank you for giving this to me.”

“Thank you for keeping me company,” you muse, turning your body towards him. He takes that as a cue to do the same, and when you don’t pull away from his hand on top of yours, he keeps it there. The way your index fingers interlocks with his certainly doesn’t fly past his head like he pretends it does. “You’ve been really nice to have around, and it makes me a little sad to see you go, y’know.”

They stare at each other for a while—he doesn’t say a word—rather he studies your visage with an adoring intensity laid beneath the steeled dark hues. He wants to tell you that he’ll stay human, if not for himself but for you too. He doesn’t want to miss out on any more moments like this, especially when you’re not pulling away from the way his fingers completely intertwine with yours. When you open your mouth to speak, he brushes a stray hair.

“Is there something on my face?” The half-joke falls past your lips but the deep blatancy that what presses on in his head is now or never and the small details like Taehyung can wait.

The inner him wants to smack for what he says, but it flies out of his mouth anyway in the form of a mocking scoff. “God, you’re so stupid you know that right?”

“Hey!” You laugh, giving his chest a smack with your entwined hands. “And you’re mean.”

He shakes his head, cheeks burning just a tad, “I-I’m sorry. I don’t know how to express how i feel or do these sorts of things,” he holds your hands. “But.. There’s something I’d like to try with you, because it feels right and you were the one to tell me that it’s best to do those sorts of things, right?”

You nod slowly, looking at him as he gets a little closer. He doesn’t miss the way your eyes dart from his to his lips, but he’s certain you don’t miss the way his does the same exact thing to yours. “What is it?” your voice is soft, clenching his heart even tighter than before.

His nose brushes against yours, his lips hovering over yours as he asks, “Can I kiss you?” He admits, “I’m scared that if I don’t stay this way then I’ll miss this chance and I—”

“—Yes, you can,” you smile, using your arm you’ve been resting on top prop yourself upward and press your lips to his. And whatever magic feels like, that sort of calm before the storm washes over him. Like a spell, he doesn’t think of his worries or anxieties that this won’t be forever as he kisses you back. You pull back for a moment just touch the side of his face in a tentative caress, eyes searching his just to say, “I mean it, if you want to be human then you can be. Whatever else comes afterwards, it’ll work out, ‘kay?”

He nods, allowing them to sink in. “‘Kay.”

Shutting his eyes once yours do, he just lets you push him onto his back and relishing in the way you lean atop of him. Whether this bliss of humanity remains forever, he doesn’t deny that the taste on your lips of mint leaves and the fruit tart from earlier are fresh, delectable, and addictive, nor does he care if it does or doesn’t, because his dream has finally come true.

—

Eventually you two find yourselves laid atop the soft, flannel blankets, his arms wrapped around your body and your arm laid across his chest. He feels peaceful, more than he’s ever been in all twenty-four years of his existence, and it’s because of you.

“Yoongi?” you hum, tracing a pattern on his chest.

When he hums an affirmation, you tell him, “I know you’re worried about Taehyung, but I promise he’ll want you to be happy too. Plus, I can kick his butt if he’s being mean to you.”

He lets the laughter rumble out into the open air, colliding with your own and he’s reminded of the warmth from the first night you two shared together.

A thought occurs to him right then—perhaps the taste of ambrosia isn’t quite sweet or bitter, but rather split down the middle with flecks of compromise and love encompassed in between the seams. Min Yoongi has always wished to be human, to feel what two-legged creatures feel and see the world a little higher than he once did, and to finally have that, all thanks to you, is all the more better.

If anything, it’s better than any concoction made by the gods above.

[nemesisxgenesis]

  Is a title even necessary? Are tags necessary? 

  Those are two of the questions we’ve been asking each other for about an hour straight. Clearly, neither of us have gotten an answer; we’re leaving it up to fate at this point. 

  We should probably begin to take a look around Tumblr so we can get some examples, but believe it or not, both of us have a life. 

  That being said, here’s a little something I picked up from my drafts. 

  No particular fandom, just a little something we made for a friend group. 

--

  The sweet melody of birds chirping outside your window gently pulls you from your peaceful slumber. With a small yawn, you sit up and stretch, a single strand of hair falling from behind your ear. You tuck it behind your ear; sunlight streams through your window as you pull open your blinds to reveal the beautiful scenery outside your window. Everything is fine. 

  Just kidding, who the hell wakes up like that? Life isn’t some kind of fairy tale.

  Your nightmares seem to try their best to ensure that your sleep is never peaceful, and they never seem willing to leave you alone. After a whole night of jostling about, you wake up in a somewhat feverish daze. A chilling breeze causes you to jolt awake; your hair is a tangled mess as you sit up, cold sweat still running down your back. 

  A shiver runs through your body as you recall the contents of your most recent nightmare. These nightmares are far from uncommon for you, one could say that they’re a daily occurrence. It doesn’t make going through them any easier, though. From ferocious beasts to seemingly random flashes of some kind of bloody battle, the creatures and characters appearing in your dreams never seem to disappear.

   As much as you appreciate having some kind of fantasy world to go to when you go to bed as an escape from your boring life, you don’t particularly enjoy watching blood and weapons fly from and into people respectively. 

  The ringing of your phone breaks the silence of the night, along with it your considerably morbid train of thoughts. You brush aside the growing feeling of dread in your stomach and crawl over to the side of your bed to answer it. As much as you trust your guts, you know who the only person who calls you on weekdays is. You’d much rather die than risk having him get hurt in any way just because you weren’t there for him.

  “Hello?” You monotone, suppressing a yawn. The bedsheets surrounding you suddenly feel suffocating, and you throw them off only to realise you wore your clothes from the previous day to sleep. Yikes. 

 The voice of your best friend greets you on the other side as you reflect on your idiocy.

  “Hey, this is Eugene. Sorry to disturb you, but could you come down to our usual spot? I’m in need of some, uh, assistance.” His voice sounds oddly strangled. Flashes of your nightmare rush through your head once more, but you push them aside as you nod, and then remember that he can’t actually see you.

  You tell him you’ll be there in a minute and throw on a coat, promptly hopping onto your motorcycle. Thank goodness you're an idiot. 

  Let’s just say you break a lot of traffic rules.

-- 

  By the time you navigate your way to the cliff, you’re out of breath. The paths are too narrow and bumpy for your poor motorcycle to drive through, so you have to run instead. It’s a pain, but maybe that’s because you’re out of shape. 

  In retrospect, choosing such an isolated location as a place to hangout every weekend wasn’t the best decision. It’s peaceful and beautiful, yes, but it sure as hell is a pain to get to. Maybe that’s why nobody else is ever here. Thoughts of what could’ve happened to Eugene flood your mind. Did he fall down the cliff? A tree? Is he okay?

  You jog up the final stretch leading up to a cliff, forcing yourself to move silently as you near the place. The sight of a strange man wearing an oddly formal attire and the ruins of what used to be an oasis greet you when you finally arrive, peeking out from behind a large tree. 

  The entire place is a mess - some kind of purple skin litters the floor, along with what appears to be an abundance of rocks and ores. The strange man you noticed earlier has one hand in his shirt. You note that he is standing completely straight and proud, and that a large number of wounds litter his battered and bruised body. Blood stains cover the majority of his clothes. 

  The feeling of dread from before makes its way back to you, twice as strong as before. 

  You stay behind the large tree and survey the situation as your heart sinks. You scan the area from your spot, looking for signs of your best friend, and sure enough, Eugene is crouching next said man, not in a much better state. You’re tempted to leap out and save the damsel in distress but thankfully manage to refrain yourself from doing so, even if it's by a tiny margin.

  Stay rational. Stay rational. Stay rational. You chant these words like a mantra as your eyes dart around the area. Your thoughts come and go as you try to figure out the best course of action.

  Everything comes to a stop when the strange man pulls his hand out of his shirt, revealing a. . . yam? You’re briefly stunned into silence as he apathetically chews away at said yam, peeling back the skin to expose the fleshy insides. Eugene appears to be in a similar state of shock as he’s attempting to launch himself at the yam man.

  Ah, so that’s where the purple stuff came from, you muse in an attempt to stay calm. It doesn’t work.

  This moment of shock seems to be Eugene’s downfall, because the man somehow manages to stuff the whole yam down his throat within seconds. A guttural scream escapes his throat as he begins to glow, and he launches himself at Eugene first.

  Frankly, you can’t bring yourself to be concerned about your friend; you’re too shocked by the man’s proclamation of “For the yams!” 

  Your cover is almost blown as the ground suddenly begins shaking. 

  A giant rock pulls itself from the ground, centimeters away from the spot you’re standing. You watch as it throws itself at the strange man and crushes him underneath it, and everything comes to a standstill once more. 

  The sickening crunch of bones causes you to tense for a moment, but soon you’re good to go and scrambling towards the now fallen body of your best friend. 

  You decide to wait until later to have a breakdown. Who needs to release emotions at healthy points in time anyways, right? 

  “You alright?” You ask, offering him a shaky hand. He nods and casts a glance at the giant rock, and then turns his attention back to you. 

  “We should go.” You’ve never heard him so serious in your entire life. Except, of course, for when he threatens people, but you prefer not to think about that. 

  A grim expression is plastered on his face as he gets up with your help. You don’t understand why, until the sound of something being crushed reaches your ears. The pure pressure emitting from the figure lifting the rock behind you is enough to stop you in your tracks as you turn back in horror.

  “Yams.” The man speaks, voice somehow deeper than before. An aura of pure masculinity surrounds him as he stares the two of you down, and God forbid anyone ask you why you even think of that word in this situation. He proceeds to break into some song about bombing and gasing, but you’re too busy trying to read Eugene’s expression. The telepathic connection between you two decides to shut down, but it's not like you need it to know what he's trying to say.

  Simply put, Eugene’s face screams “run.”

  With this turn of events, you do the next most logical and rational thing. Swinging the bloody Eugene over your shoulder, you leap off the cliff. 

-- 

  “Maybe that wasn’t my best moment” Is what goes through your brain as you plunge down a 300 meter drop, Eugene clinging on to you for dear life. The wind toussles your hair as you and Eugene fall, and you almost let out a bitter laugh as you think about how similar this is to your dream. 

  Eugene stays completely still, even if his grip does get much tighter as time passes. You swear you hear him mummering about time and ash, but maybe you're hearing things again. His breathing gets increasingly heavy as the two of you near the bottom of the cliff. You close your eyes and brace yourself for impact. 

  Strange. Time is going awfully slow. 

  Thinking back to the previous display of yams and rocks, a horrifying realization strikes you. Before you can fully wrap your head around this thought, you find yourself plunging into a pool of water you never knew existed at the bottom of the cliff. 

  You open your eyes and realise that said pool of water is floating, but at this point, you can’t be bothered to care. You’re sure that given any other situation, you would’ve screamed, but not today. Everything that’s led up to this point has been way too much for your mind to be able to process healthily. 

  You simply sit in the water for a minute and only surface after realising that you, and Eugene, need to breathe. After ensuring that Eugene is still alive, you plunge back into the pool and rest him gently on the dry ground beneath it; hopefully the water doesn’t decide to suddenly fall. Having done your duty, you allow your body to relax, and the water gently pushes you back to the top of the pool.

  A minute later, you’re out cold. 

-- 

  “They’ll be okay” You hear an unfamiliar voice next to you as you groggily come to your senses.  Even now, your nightmares still haunt you, huh? 

  With some effort, you peel your eyes open. The first thing you notice is that the sun is shining directly onto your face and in turn, into your eyes. You shut them with a hiss and angle your face away before trying again, and you swear you hear a laugh somewhere near you. 

  Still too tired to care, you stretch lightly and run a hand through the mess that your hair has become. It doesn’t even matter if you die at this point, you’re tired. Really, really tired. 

  The melodious laughter continues, and you finally open your eyes once more. This time, there’s no light shining into it, so you sit up with only a little bit of difficulty. 

  You slowly get up as you rub your head you look around the room and notice a few things 

  First of all, Eugene is lying on a couch, bandaged up from head to toe. The only part of him you can see are his mouth and eyes, the latter of which meets yours as you finish dealing with the mess on your head. You wave. 

  Second of all, there’s a tall, dark man standing next to you, laughing like he’s seen the world’s funniest joke. He has slick black hair and dons a rather professional suit, completed with a tie, sunglasses and a fedora. You give him a solid nine out of ten, definitely hot. 

  As he comes back to his senses and stops laughing, you notice that his left eye is bandaged up. The other is a crimson red which seems to stare right into your soul. 

  “I’m Ash.” Holding out a gloved hand, Ash steps back to give you enough space to stand up. You decisively ignore his outstretched hand and settle for getting up independently instead. 

  “Did you save us?” You ask, ignoring the crestfallen expression that graces his face. A small spark of satisfaction fills you as you watch the slight anger flash through his eyes. You’re not mean, but you trust your instincts. Your instincts tell you there’s something wrong with this man. 

  Your hunch is further strengthened as a smile crawls onto his face within seconds of his initial defeat.  

  “Right to the point, huh? You’re as feisty as he said you’d be. I think it’s better for Eugene over there to explain things to you.” Ash pats your shoulder then stiffly turns around to leave the room, perfect smile never falling out of place. Your eyes narrow. 

  Eugene’s coughs draw your attention, and your head snaps towards him. Flames of fury dance in your eyes as a smile that can rival Ash’s forms on your face.

  “You and I have a lot to talk about.”

 --

  Yeah. That’s about it for now; I mean, we have more stored away (somewhere), but I for one am unsure of whether or not we should even continue with this Tumblr thing. We don’t have any particular purpose, but it’s nice being able to share some of our pieces rather than just let them collect dust, I suppose. 

  We’ll see.

[anachronismr]

I’ve been living in a fantasy world this whole time. Right now, I would probably seem entirely different than you. Instead what I am living in, is the constant pace of denial. The constant fear of being too far outside of my dome. You see, what I have noticed about this world, is not to stick your nose into “other people’s business.” Despite how necessary it is for that to happen from time to time. If someone is in danger, if you must serve in a court, or if you see overwhelming corruption that must be revealed. These are all things where intervention and your honesty, would get you nowhere in the blink of an eye. Just as well, meddling in these actions could at worst extricate you from your life. I believe and have always believed honesty to be the most important thing. It was the most prevalent aspect to myself while growing up, I’m still growing up and yes, honesty remains. 🔜. But in the real world, honesty does not matter. When it tries to exist, honesty is overlooked and labeled as an extracurricular action with no mass. No weight behind its genuine sentiment. It does not exist in the current reality we live in. Not in local government, state government or federal government. Not in our daily lives, as family, friends or civilians. This is a bold statement I know, it’s a statement that feels very wrong to make. A huge assumption about the whole world. “How could I say that right?” Because, I am being honest. I told you I don’t live in your world. But I have been there and that place falls flat on it’s ass for me. Two people could think they are honest people and that by being honest they are making the world more honest however what they may actually be doing unbeknownst to them is feeding it’s downfall. Further brewing the myth and making themselves look the fool. Unfortunately that will happen when you’re honest, people will degrade you for it. Like they somehow understand you are inferior or even perhaps even insane. We actually do not know what it feels like, not in the slightest to accept the hellish cheese grater that is “real life.” Previously, when I accepted it at least, I became victim to a haze of mundane actions with little to no thought applied to anything I partook in. Acceptance can rid worries and cause the death of yourself and your personality and no one will understand how it works or why you don’t think like them. Sometimes aspects within us, are not allowed even a single spoken sentence. 🔜. My main point is that you should not simply accept something that you know is false outright. Don’t worry it will happen there’s no preventing it, that is just a natural element of developing your character a lifelong adjustment. So when it happens live in it for awhile, understand it if you can and if you think you should refute it, please do. I’m not a god that knows everything, I hardly know how to divide, please do not accept my word alone to be truthful. All I was doing was being honest. When you live in the real world, don’t accept honesty. Acknowledge it, but don’t always believe it. The real reality, the world we live in has already blown this line of thought way out of hand. There is nothing we can do about it, at least for a few thousand years. But be the bigger student and at least acknowledge when someone emits honesty. I have genuine hope that one day we will actually get somewhere with it.

[thepandemicinterviews]

Steven, August 11 2020, Sydney

After editing this interview with Steven (I struggled to edit anything out, so apologies in advance for the length), I put on Side C of Norman Fucking Rockwell and blasted “California” in my room.

Oh, I'll pick you up If you come back to America, just hit me up 'Cause this is crazy love, I'll catch you on the flip side If you come back to California, you should just hit me up We'll do whatever you want, travel wherever how far We'll hit up all the old places We'll have a party, we'll dance 'til dawn I'll pick up all of your Vogues and all of your Rolling Stones Your favorite liquor off the top shelf I'll throw a party all night long

Another great line: I've heard the war was over if you really choose.

I love to hate on America, yet I also understand its allure and fantasy. I can’t help but think about this “war” as Covid, and the insular, ignorant, optimistic American population choosing that it’s over. I can admire their raging belief in the unreal. This is what Hollywood was built on.

Searching America in my notes, I see that in June 2016 I wrote a list of movies I liked. Among them: Heathers, Mulholland Drive, American Beauty, Dazed and Confused, Doom Generation. What do these films have in common? They all, I think, capture a particular American delirium—the how far will you go to experience beauty, never mind how false it is. A note from May 2018 simply reads “America—land of delusion”. In July 2018, when I was in Paris, I jotted down a few things from American writer Jenny Zhang’s talk outside Shakespeare and Company. Notably: “The utter abusiveness of the American dream.”

It’s difficult these days to look at any news stories regarding American politics and coronavirus without wanting to laugh, cry, and vomit all at the same time. But then you think of the 300 or so million people who have to live there, under Trump. Some obviously blinded by misinformation and their sheer lack of critical thinking skills, but the others? I draw a blank—I feel like punching something on their behalf.

Steven moved to Los Angeles at the beginning of this year to pursue a life of excitement and wonder. It was all lined up—it was finally happening. He was meeting celebrities, getting jobs, doing everything that Lana del Rey would have wanted for him. Until Covid hit, and the red carpet was no longer. Fast forward (or slow forward) to the end of March, and he’s in hotel quarantine in Sydney, getting lambasted by Boomers who are complaining about him complaining. Steven is an example of someone whose life has been forcibly upended by this evil virus. Or, to put it more lyrically, his dream was shattered by something so devastatingly real that no amount of cheery American humour could repair it. His is a story of profound rearrangement, but there is a happy ending: safety.

C: Hi Steven. So this isn’t the first time you’ve been interviewed, right, about your experience?

S: No! You heard that I made my way on the news a couple of times?

C: I knew that you had interviewed for, was it Sydney Morning Herald?

S: Yeah, so I work for Channel Nine so I’ve got a few friends at Sydney Morning Herald and around in the Channel Nine world, I guess. I did one for that newspaper, I did one for 9Honey. I was on the news a couple of times. I mean, my whole experience coming home was documented through a few different news stories. And I did a few interviews on radio, 2GB, ABC Radio, Today FM and Kiis FM. So it was a lot. A lot of media. And the Today Show, but that’s my show, that’s what I usually work on, so it was more just like, Steven can you come and do a segment with us? And I was like, let’s do it!

C: Was that in person? Or while you were in quarantine?

S: Yeah, so coming home I was one of the first groups of people to be put in hotels. I got sent to the Ibis hotel, got put in a very small box for two weeks. Went a little crazy. But yeah, the morning after I got there is basically where I did all those interviews from. I’ve never really done remote interviews either, so it was a lot of getting used to for a lot of us.

C: Were you happy to do the interviews?

S: Totally. So, coming home was pretty shit to say the least. For at least those first few days when I was coming home I had something to do. On the plane back home, I had to document stuff for the newsroom.

C: Wow, so they were lined up before…

S: Yeah, yeah. I mean, I was in contact with the newsroom all the way, because it was a six hour bus ride from the airport to the hotel, because of just how slow the process had to be. So throughout that entire time, I was talking to the newsroom, and they go, Do you know which hotel you’re going to, we’re sending a reporter there. So as soon as I got off the bus, I found the lovely Tiffiny Genders from Channel Nine, she’s incredible. Ran up to her, and the police were trying to be like, Don’t leave! And I was like, I’m just going here! So we were trying to really make time to meet up for all of these moments in-person if we could, and eventually two weeks later when I got to leave the hotel, we did a follow-up with some more reporters that were there to see me hug my family as I left the hotel. So it was a lot, but it did give me something to do which is what I really needed because once it all calmed down after a few days, that was the beginning of the end for me [laughs]. I started to go a little crazy.

C: Right, so [what was it like] during quarantine?

S: When I didn’t have anything to do, your brain wanders, especially when you’re in a two-metre by two-metre box and your only view of the outside is the same unchanging view of Darling Harbour. Which is beautiful, but I never want to see it again, not for a long time. Eventually when the only thing you have to do are your Animal Crossing chores, you start to go a little crazy. And I did! There was one day where I locked myself in the bathroom of the hotel room I was in, took a bottle of wine from the morning, until like eight hours later. I was very water wasteful that day, unfortunately. But I had an eight hour shower, where I just sat in there, got drunk. I say that I was singing, but it was more that I was screaming the lyrics to “Take Me Home, Country Roads” over and over, and apparently the police who were stationed on every floor of the hotel were banging on the door for a few hours, wondering if I had died. That was probably my craziest day. That’s probably the craziest I’ve ever been in my life.

C: How far into quarantine were you at that point?

S: To be honest, time stopped making sense. It was very strange when it came to time. I believe it was about halfway through, though. But the days bled into each other a lot in that hotel room. Because at some point I just closed the blinds as well, so I was going off my own body clock for a long time. I didn’t have the sun to tell me what time it was, what day it was. That was probably not good either. No, time didn’t exist for a little while.

C: How did you feel when you finally left that room?

S: Oh my god, it was something else! When the date came where they could finally tell us when we were leaving, it felt like this weight had been lifted off me, because I think the reason why I went a little crazy as well was the uncertainty of when exactly are we going to leave. So as soon as they told us, my spirits were already lifting and I was ready to just go. It did take some physical readjusting, I’ll tell you that, because the size of the room – I didn’t have much room to walk around, or use my legs really. So I actually had to get used to walking down the hallway before I left. But to be honest, leaving the hotel was kind of the same as going in, because the media circus kind of happened again. I started doing quite a few more interviews, for Channel Nine and for Channel Ten, did a few more news stories, and as soon as I left, I had a camera in my face and photos being taken by a journo, and just so much was happening. I was like, OK, let’s turn the media face back on, let’s do this. So leaving felt the same way as coming in, but going back home felt like a nice warm hug that I hadn’t had for quite a while. Because the whole process of having to move back home only two months after leaving home on a plan of staying away for twelve months felt pretty shit. It felt like dreams were being crushed [laughs]. So readjusting and going home, actually getting a hug from my family, was wonderful. And that’s what going home felt like as well, for quite a while. Having a nice warm blanket wrapped around me.

C: Lovely. When did you decide that you had to come back to Australia from the US?

S: So it was a bit of a weeklong process, I think, for me to come to that decision. As you’re well aware, it was a long process from when things started to get serious to when borders were being announced to be closed, to when Scomo announced that we’d have to go to hotel quarantine, and all of that. And I was keeping up to date with it the entire time, because I wasn’t sure what was going on, and I wanted to keep an eye on it just in case I maybe did have to come home. But I remember the day I came to that decision, I was having a very depressed bath, with another bottle of wine in the apartment I had moved into in Burbank in Los Angeles. And I just randomly got a call from my mum, and as soon as I picked up, all she said was, I think you have to come home. This doesn’t look like it’ll get any better. And that’s just when the tears started and I was like, yup. So that was the moment that we decided, and it was about one week before I flew out, and it was a little risky as well, because the flight that we did book, one of the only ones that we could’ve booked, was the very last flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. On Virgin Airways as well, which means I think it’s the very last Virgin Airways flight from LA to Sydney in history. And it was a little bittersweet too, because it was probably the greatest flight of my life. It was the most comfortable flight I’ve ever had, because it was very socially distanced, and there was an overabundance of food, and the flight attendants wanted to give us a great experience, so I was very comfortable. But unfortunately the saddest flight, but also the most comfy. But yeah, I do physically just remember sitting in that bath, getting a call from my parents, and just coming to terms with, oh no.

C: It’s bigger than me.

S: Yes! I can’t just ride this out here. Originally, I did think that, you know, maybe I can go home for a couple of months, because my Visa will still be valid if I get to go back a couple of months later. I can stay until January, basically, so hopefully this all blows over in a couple of months and I can just come back to my apartment in Burbank and get those jobs again. Nope. It definitely doesn’t look like I’ll be back for a long time. But I think I’ve come to terms with that now. It sucked; coming to terms with it sucked. I do remember another day when I realised this was going to be a thing though. When I started paying attention –

C: Do you know what time it was? What month?

S: It was mid-March, it was right before – I was going to go to this premiere for Reese Witherspoon’s new Hulu show. I can’t even remember the name of it at this point, but I was super excited for it. I went out the night before to go buy some fancy clothes for the premiere, for red carpet. And as I was leaving the shopping centre that night, that’s when I saw the email that it’d been cancelled. Due to social distancing rules and everything, and that’s when I realised, oh, this is big. Oh no! That was the first moment for me. And then the next moment was Scomo saying forced quarantine.

C: It all happened so quick. Like mid-March to end of March I think were the longest two weeks of my life.

S: Literally! Tell me about it. Those two weeks felt like months! When I think about my time living in Los Angeles, it amounted to about two months in general. It felt so much longer because of that final fortnight. And then also the fortnight in the hotel, where I was kind of in this in between limbo world where I wasn’t away, but I wasn’t at home, and all of that. But those specific two weeks where things were still being decided? Everything was so uncertain? It made me age so much [laughs].

C: Yeah, I feel like everyone was coming to terms with the fact this that is a thing –

S: Yeah, collectively. I’ll be honest, being so in contact with everybody at home at the time, and also being in the Los Angeles community – Australians definitely came to terms with it a lot quicker than Americans did.

C: Because it wasn’t already happening, like we weren’t in the thick of it yet, so we had time to come to terms with it. But what was happening in Los Angeles at the time you were about to leave?

S: A lot of denial. I still remember, on one of the shows I was on, one of the crew members just saying, It’s a damn panic, not a pandemic. Over and over again. And that was very much a lot of the sentiment of a lot of people. There was still a lot of people that were like, yes, we should be wearing masks. Some people thought that wearing masks was a sign of hysteria, and we shouldn’t because of blah blah blah. I did push a lot of these memories away at the time because it was a little stressful. Just because I couldn’t believe that people weren’t taking it seriously. And I did get to the point where I really really did not feel safe. Not in the same way where, when I came home, if I wore a mask and gloves and sanitised and went out when I needed to – you know, there’s a level of not feeling safe with that. Even as much as I could prepare going out in LA, I could never feel safe. Just because of the sentiment I knew that was growing. And then there were a lot of fights over toilet paper right outside of my apartment where there was a small supermarket. And that’s when I was like, ah, Americans are crazy.

C: I think that was happening here as well [laughs].

S: That’s true! I did see the news eventually. That’s when I was like, people aren’t really taking this seriously in the right way. The sentiment was a lot of denial and then a lot of hysteria.

C: There was a lot of talk of people, like yourself, who were in the news about the hotel quarantine, complaining too much.

S: Oh, I could talk about this for ages! So I’ll just start off by saying that I got a couple of death threats.

C: Really?

S: Yeah, just a couple. A lot of very direct messages which were pretty much harassment. And oh, so many Facebook comments on the public posts that Channel Nine put up of the news stories. I felt like I kind of became ground zero for, you know, Zoomers and Millennials complaining about quarantine. Just to defend myself, I didn’t really complain myself, at all. I laughed at how small the hotel room was, and I did say I’d rather be with my family, but if this is what is the safest option then I’m happy to do that. But oh my goodness, do Boomers love to take young people that aren’t completely happy with a situation and blow it up out of proportion. The only people I actually saw complaining myself were older people, which is kind of ironic. I do think there were some elements that were worth, I guess, complaining about. Them being the way it was organised. I didn’t have anything against the forced quarantine itself. I thought that it was actually a very good measure to keep things under control, especially internationally, and I was happy to do it. Except that it wasn’t exactly experts running it or making decisions on a day-to-day – medical experts, I mean. It was whatever police officer was in charge at that hotel on that day. So it was different at every hotel. It was different every day for at least three-quarters of the two weeks I was there. I think by the time I was ending my time there, they had started to formalise rules or something. But you could tell it was extremely rushed, they hadn’t talked to me. And yeah, I wasn’t a big fan of the police officers that were running the joint either. It wasn’t a great time. But the idea of forced quarantine I have nothing against. Nothing against. Other things – I mean, I’m happy to complain about how small that hotel room was, because it’s not made for two-week stays. I mean, they had to use that hotel and I completely understand that, but it’s mainly made for – the Ibis hotel is made for one-night business stays and men cheating on their wives, usually. That’s what it’s built for. And it’s not made for, you know, some twenty-three year old person living in there for two weeks, with no human contact. But once the comments started, they got a little heavy. I laughed at all the ones – there were hundreds as well – on Facebook, on the actual news story itself, because it was all country bogans that were like, the kids don’t know how well they have it, they’re in five-star hotels and they still find time to complain, and blah blah blah. But then there were a few people who tracked down my Instagram and found my Facebook as well. And those messages I didn’t really appreciate. Especially the ones that were just straight up death threats. One of the death threats I was actually a little impressed with because it was very succinct. It was just a GIF of a noose. That was pretty straightforward. But I was told to report – tell the police officers at the hotel that people were sending me death threats. But of course they did not help at all.

C: They didn’t do anything?

S: Of course they didn’t. ACAB [laughs]. But I was told by the newsroom to report that. But I thought the comments were quite funny, in general, because Boomers do love to target young people. Though, my family took it as a personal attack, and started defending me in the comments! Old 2010 keyboard warrior style. It was fun to watch. Kept me entertained for a little while in that hotel room.

C: How were you mentally throughout that? Do you feel like you’ve bounced back from it now?

S: Yeah. At first, especially once I got to leave and start dealing with the emotions of what had happened – not being able to do this really huge thing that I’d planned to do. Moving overseas and starting a new life and pursuing a career overseas was a pretty big thing that I’d had to plan for quite a while. And having that cut short by something that isn’t your fault – it’s a very confusing feeling. For a long time, I was so fucking sad. I spent a long time just lying in my parents’ living room on the makeshift bedroom that they made for me. Just wallowing for a while before considering what the future would look like. Because at the time I wasn’t certain if I could go back in a couple of months, and slowly things looked like that wouldn’t be happening, and I’d be home for the foreseeable future. Coming to terms with that was extremely hard. I’m very lucky because I’ve had access to therapy for years, so once I was able to start seeing my psychologist again, things started getting better mentally for me. But also being home when a time is so quiet as well, when no one is really able to do anything – it can make things worse and better in some ways. The things that did make it better, when it came to coming to terms with what this year would now look like, was being able to see people that I really cared about. Like Nicola, for example. We ended up spending a lot of time together in those first few months of me being home, and that made me feel really grounded. Which she does just in general. And being able to see friends who I didn’t think I’d be able to see for an entire year, eventually when that was possible. It helped me feel really comfortable with being home again. Also the fact that America seems to not be dealing with this well in the slightest, does make me feel very confident in my decision to come home. And all those elements combined, I feel like now, just in the last month or so, I feel like I really have bounced back. Now that I can start thinking about my life and my future again, in not so much certain terms, but not wondering if I’m going to be bouncing between countries again. That was the hardest part. Not knowing if I was going to be back in America. But I’m happy to be in Australia forever at this point. And I’m not so much planning for the future, but I do feel comfortable with whatever that future’s going to be at this point.

C: Seeing America’s response to the pandemic – does that change how you feel about possibly moving there one day?

S: That’s a big question! My relationship with the United States is more about – I’ve loved the idea of it and I’ve always loved living there because of mainly the people. I’ve always meshed well with the locals of whatever city I’ve moved to. I loved living in the Midwest in Chicago, and I loved living in California, in Los Angeles, mainly because of the people and the friends that I met. America is such an eclectic mix of people. I don’t have so much faith in their government when it comes to helping their people, though. I still love the idea of moving there when it comes to a future career and developing that further. And I don’t ever want to strike that down just because of a terrible government’s terrible response to a terrible pandemic. But it definitely has made me feel better about being home right now and not living there at this moment. If I could go back in time a couple of months and tell myself anything, it would be, you’re going to be happier if you move back home. Because I can probably guarantee that to a different version of myself that’s still there, that I’d be extremely depressed and worried. I mean, financially as well, it kind of became a necessity for me to come home. Without being able to work, and with the Australia Dollar just nose-diving, eventually I’d have to come home anyway. I’m not a big fan of their response to this pandemic. It’s been atrocious and terrifying. I’m every day scared for my friends that are still there, and every day the people that I met in the city have slowly moved out of Los Angeles back to their original homes if they had that, or back to wherever their parents live in the suburbs, or to other states. It scares me.

C: There is a real danger just living under a government that doesn’t care about you. Compared to here, I feel like we haven’t reached the point where we feel unsafe because, you know, the lockdown in Melbourne shows that they do care about their people in a way that Trump doesn’t.

S: Yes, exactly. The American federal government especially, and a lot of state governments, are very translucent in how much they really don’t care how many people die. To the fact where getting the disease has become slightly normal? At least with the circles that I fell into and have kept in touch with. A lot of the people that are amongst that have normalised the fact that you just might get the disease. That’s just how it is now. And having that normalised, I think, is very much a reflection of the fact that the government does not give a shit if you die, or if you get this disease or not. They just need the wheels to keep turning. God, I wish people like Jacinda Ardern could just rule the world instead, but unfortunately not. It is extremely, just, terrifying because of how normal it is for the American people to understand that their government really doesn’t care about them.

C: Yeah. And it seems like a lot of people don’t understand how restrictions could have prevented the spread.

S: A hundred percent. No, I completely agree. And in all honesty, I never really had a chance to have that kind of discussion with Americans when I was there because I was in the process of leaving at the time. But I feel like something that’s very similar to that, is the fact that they’ve been taught that things that could be good for them are not good for them. Such as restrictions and social distancing, safe measures. And I actually did get into a discussion when I was there before things starting going into lockdown, during the primary elections. Someone at a bar was just saying, having a government subsidise for university, getting Medicare, no one can do that! And I just put my hand up and was like, yeah, I come from a country where we have those exact things! And it gobsmacked that person for a minute. They were like, wait, really? You’re kidding! And I feel like if I got the chance to have that discussion with Covid restrictions, it would be the same result. But to be fair, it is a country of over 300 million people, so there’s always going to be so many differing viewpoints there, but it is so worrying how many of them are adverse to things that are good for them in the long run.

C: And how political that becomes.

S: Exactly. The fact that it’s all politicised is so strange. Like I’m not a big fan of our governments either, but at the very least, restrictions and safe measures weren’t exactly politicised the way that they are in America, which also terrifies me. These were kind of the wild things in America though, having the discussions with people and realising that a lot of them really just don’t –

C: Understand the context outside their own little – huge country, but…

S: But if they don’t have it, then other people must not, right? I feel like that’s the kind of mindset a majority of the people there must be in. To think that Medicare is this extreme version of socialism, like, I don’t understand. Oh well. America was fun though.

C: Did you have fun there while you were there?

S: I did! I really did. I’ve lived in, and I’ve visited America, many many times. This was my first time living in California, though. And I only got to spend two months there, but my God, it was a wild ride. The LA you live in, as opposed to the LA you visit as a tourist, is extremely different. And especially Hollywood the actual place compared to Hollywood the idea, extremely different. I just had a really fun time. I met a bunch of people, and I didn’t think I would be making friends with so many celebrities too.

C: Really? Who did you meet?

S: So probably the closest friend I made there was Grant Imahara from Mythbusters. He recently passed away which was very very sad. But he was extremely nice to me and was kind of the one who introduced me to so many of the other regular people and celebrities around Hollywood. Got me very involved. He was a very nice man. We met while doing karaoke at a Star Wars themed bar. Hollywood’s wild [laughs].

C: How’s your life been since coming back? Have you enjoyed the quietness of it?

S: At first, the quietness drove me a little crazy. It was definitely what I needed for a while, but eventually I did enjoy it. Like I said before, I spent a lot of that time spending more quality time with people I cared about. I feel like a lot of my close friendships grew a lot closer as well. And I got to do some things that I couldn’t really do before. Like one day, Nicola and I went to Centennial Park while it was empty, and basically had the whole park to ourselves. And I don’t think that’s ever going to be replicated. The quietness definitely grew on me after a while. And I’ve definitely grown with being okay being home in the last few months.

C: And now you’re about to start full-time work?

S: Yeah, that’s true. I’ve never had a full-time job. My last job was a meet-and-greet producer on the Today Show. Super duper fun, but at the moment we can only have five people in the studio at one time. My job revolved around our guests that we had on the show. We don’t physically have any guests on the show, which means for the most part, my role is now defunct for the foreseeable future. However, I’m still on the payroll, so as soon as I can go back, the possibility’s there. But waiting around, on JobSeeker as well, which I’m grateful for, but waiting around for so long was very tiring. It did give me a lot of time to spend time with my friends like I said, but the idea of going into full-time work is kind of nice. Having something to do now. I’ve never had a full-time job before, it’s all been freelance and casual. So having basically 9-5 weekdays for a little while, I feel like is going to be some structure that I’ve needed since even before I left for the States. Because even when I was there, I didn’t exactly have a structure at the time. It was very go go go, let’s find a place to live, let’s find some jobs, let’s meet some people. And coming home was just, let’s do nothing! So now that I get to have a very regular routine, I feel like it’s going to ground me a little bit. Something I’ve needed.

C: I think that was the case for Nicki as well, getting her two jobs. And having a period away from the freelancing lifestyle.

S: Like I said before, being able to spend with people like Nicola helped a lot because we could talk through things like that, like how can we help ourselves feel a little better during this time. What do we need? Seeing Nicola stress over jobs and work and it all kind of paying off has been great too. Hopefully I get a taste of the payoff as well [laughs]. Speaking of, on that note as well, not just about Nicola, but also the way that this has felt kind of comes down to some lyrics from a song that she showed me by the Mountain Goats called “This Year”. The lyrics are, I’m going to make it through this year if it kills me. And those goes through my head all the time. Ever since coming home, and the only time I feel like it’s finally stopped has now been the idea of having this full-time job and having a routine. Because now I feel like I really am going to get through this year.

C: Yeah, just a distraction from what this year represents.

S: Honestly, I’ve never been a huge fan of personifying years and saying, this one was the worst ever! Like, I remember going through 2016 and everyone was like, this year’s the worst, everyone’s dying this year and blah blah blah. I was just never a big fan of the idea of like this year’s bad. Until this year. This year’s bad [laughs].

C: Globally. Historically 2020 will be known as one of the worst years.

S: Exactly. I will happily personify this year. Very bad no good.

C: At least you’re not in America.

S: At least I’m not in America. At the very least, I’m in a country where I feel safer and more comfortable in, around people that care about me. Not new friends, but close, old friends too.