#cersei is also a pretty solid example but not the best

[thehauntingofharrenhouse]

SIGHING the age difference between margaery and sansa is p big for teenagers! margaery is closer to jon and robb's age than sansa's. margaery and her family actively pursued an interest in elevating her to queen from at least the first book if not longer, tywin was actively trying to arrange a marriage between cersei and rhaegar before the maggy scene, which takes place when cersei was younger than sansa is at the beginning of the series. ned and catelyn had barely discussed sansa's options before joffrey shows up; they might have thought of it later or they might have chosen someone else. the wealthy southern houses are ambitious, but starks rarely send their daughters south to marry. sansa has talent and big dreams, and cat would at least think to take that into account. likely cat was expecting to marry her into another great house, but we know cat wanted her kids to be happy?? and be children?? for as long as they can. she was surprised and a little upset that robb was wearing live steel, even tho he's nearly an adult by westerosi standards and competent enough to manage winterfell when she understandably neglects her duties while bran is in his coma.

this is not a bad thing!! this is reasonable!! and cat did teach sansa how to be a lady the same way ned taught robb and jon to be a lord, through example and demonstration. all highborn girls have lessons with a septa, not least to occupy them while the boys are practicing hitting each other with swords. sansa and arya were also given lessons with maester luwin, which is a significant advantage that not all highborn girls get. and honestly this solid foundation gave sansa and arya the tools they needed to survive thus far!!

catelyn was expecting sansa (and arya!) to continue her education at court, under the supervision of ned and with the help of septa mordane. and cersei did try to educate her in her own terrible way––catelyn could not have known how incompetent cersei was (honestly cersei had robert killed in an incredibly sophisticated way that would still be hard to prove in real court, she is a lot more together in the first book). ned resolved to end the betrothal as soon as he saw what joffrey was like, he definitely believed revealing joffrey's parentage would make this easy.

margaery came to king's landing with an army at her back, knowing there was a possibility, however slim, of the lannisters rejecting an alliance. she knew she was entering a city her family had been starving out for months!! she brought food!!! she was prepared. she knew exactly what she was getting into!! loras had almost definitely been feeding the tyrells information about the court for years, if only so they'd know what was going on lol.

the tyrells are absolutely the lannisters' foils, I think that's pretty clear? margaery is the political powerhouse cersei wants to be, and she has the support and respect cersei craves. loras is the new Best Tourney Knight who mostly lives up to the ideals jaime strives for without really trying, and his relationship actually is unfairly discriminated against instead of just creepy (affectionate). willas is the scholarly heir trusted absolutely, like his claim is so rock solid he is just left with the castle, and he has a more 'socially acceptable' disability (in tyrion's mind especially!). like they are both engaged to sansa even. and olenna is who tywin thinks he is, except she also has the power of being a reasonable adult who would prefer that people (not joffrey) didn't get hurt. then garlan is just a good guy, all the lannisters wish they had a garlan

for the record, also, sansa tried to 'talk up' joffrey because she was terrified. she does not like anything about joffrey at this point and is desperately trying to think of things to say that won't get her killed?? what olenna and margaery do so well, and what is indicative of their strength as politicians and the power of being nice to people, is put sansa at ease enough that she's willing to tell them the truth. like yes sansa was fully deluding herself at one point, accepting joffrey's apology for lady's death, but she starts to hate him as soon as he has ned arrested (and their household killed??). how many of us can say we have not gone a little delusional over a crush in middle school regardless of what our parents taught us. lmao.

cat and ned may not have prepared sansa to be queen but they are the reason alayne is still kind, and that is why she inspires the kind of loyalty littlefinger can't, which will prove to be her greatest weapon.

[pommegranatte]

Nothing is more disappointing than when the main female character is “tough girl who is always mean and straight to the point and also sarcastic!” I’m so bored with that trope. Just...let her be nice...or if she IS gonna be mean don’t make that be her one and only defining feature. What I’m trying to say is: 2B is the perfect mean female lead character.

[a-secret-bolton-vampire]

Thinking about the queer characters in ASOIAF. There's a few in the main series, like Loras, Renly, Taena, Nymeria, Lyn, and probably a few others I'm forgetting. I sort of wish there were more queer women in the story. Dany and Cersei have same gender relations but it's ambiguous as to if they are bi or not (I like to headcanon them as bi but that's just me). We have mention of Nymeria being "abed with the Fowler twins".

Fire & Blood had a lot of queer women; Rhaena, Elissa, Tyanna, Jeyne Arryn, Black Aly, Sabitha Vypren. It was pretty refreshing to see more visibility of queer women there, and I hope, even if my hopes for House of the Dragon aren't high, that they do a better job than Game of Thrones in that regard. I especially loved Rhaena and Elissa, they were both incredibly compelling and fascinating characters.

One area I think ASOIAF & GRRM could possibly improve on is trans representation. Of course Brienne, Cersei, and Arya come up as examples of gender non-comformity that could be seen as transgender identity, but they don't reject the concept of womanhood so much as gender roles. When we hear about MtF crossdressers in this universe, it's often not very flattering, and usually some sort of fetish or kink.

We have a Lannister monarch who was mocked as "Queen Lorea" and dressed in his wifes clothes when visiting the sex workers in the docks of Lannisport. Racallio Ryndoon was also said to have dressed in women's clothing, pretending to be a female prostitute, and was sometimes called "Queen Racallio", but given everything else we know about him (having fetishes with pregnant women and having his wives beat him), it seems like it's just another fetish of his.

We also have a sex worker in Braavos Arya reports on in ADWD called Canker Jeyne, who (at least in my mind) probably is trans, but again, it keeps on with this rather unflattering image that MtF people are all doing this as part of some fetish or satisfy other peoples fetishes. And in the case of Racallio, it's made to make them seem more "exotic" and "wild". Meanwhile for FtM crossdressers, it's mostly used as a disguise of sorts or a rejection of traditional femininity, rather than any sort of solid core identity.

We do, however, have the Jogos Nhai, who allow AMAB people to live as women, or AFAB people to live as men, to the point that they will shave their bodies and perform the tasks expected of the gender they are now living as. This is reminiscent to some historical societies, such as the galli priests of Rome, who worshipped Cybele and Attis, who were castrated, whore feminine clothing, and referred to themselves as women.

There are many other societies and cultures that, may not have had the concept of transgender identity, but definitely a less binary view of gender identity that could be seen as transgender. For instance, there is the concept of a third gender role in some Native American peoples, like the Navajo nadleehi and the Zuni lhamana. Regardless of culture, there were some historical figures who were transgender regardless of cultural traditions. The Roman Emperor Elagabalus was said to have delighted in being called a lady, dressed in women's clothing, and apparently went around asking people to perform sex reassignment surgery for a large sum of money. There is also Chevalier d'Eon, an intersex transgender woman who fought in the Seven years War, and lived as a woman for 33 years until her death.

The point of this being; there is a sorry lack of trans representation in ASOIAF, and it is mostly relegated to fetishes or kinks, which, as a trans woman, doesn't leave the best taste in my mouth. It doesn't make me hate the series at all, but it's a little disappointing as someone who would like to see themselves represented in a story they very much like.

This is why I have taken matters into my hands and decided to write an epic fantasy story with the main character being a trans woman partially inspired by Elagabalus.

[miragerules]

I suppose it is a both good and bad that Tumblr had so many fandoms and Shippers on its site. People find other people who love a show, character or a couple as much as they do, and then they can talk, share fan art/fanfiction, and support one another. That is the good part of Tumblr.

However the unfortunate bad part of Tumblr is this rabbid fandom sometimes leads to blind hate if thing don't go your way on a show or in a film. I am not going to get in all the ways fandoms can be bad. You can just look around on Facebook, Twitter and here on Tumblr.

One way upset fandoms try to destroy a show when a show or ship does not govthe way you want is to blame the writers saying the writing is terrible even though the writing was really good, and has been good if not excellent for 8 seasons. That is apparently what is happening inside the Game of Thrones fandom with fans of certain characters or ships. I am a fan and a shipper. I do ship or have shipped Root/Shaw (Person of Interest), Jason/Elizabeth (General Hospital), Katniss/Peeta (Hunger Games), Geralt/Triss (Witcher games), Bruce/Natasha or Matt Murdock/Natasha (Marvel Films/Marvel Comics) to name a few and I love tones of characters like Tyrion, Jamie, Davros, Arya, and Jon on Game of Thrones.

However I don't let that love of a ship or character ruin my love of a show or film just because said film or series does not go the way I want it to especially if show or film is still good if not excellent like Game of Thrones. One example is Bruce/Nat. Bruce and especially Nats story arcs throughout the Marvel films were not handled that well, but that disappointment does not blind me to how pretty good to great Endgame was and the Marvel films were. As for the Game of Thrones fandom I guess people have not truly read the books or have really watched deeply into each episode of Game of Thrones or cetain Game of Thrones fans would not be complaining nearly as much. Of course I am not happy with everything on Game of Thrones. Many times in season 7 and 8 the writing felt rushed like the writers decided how can they end the show as quickly as possible. HBO could have drawn the series out for a 9th or 10th season to make itva fuller fleshed out experience to reach the point we are, but that complaint does not change the fact the producers, directors, and writers still have consistently done a good job with the series. Do not let you fandom and shipper disappointment blind you to that fact.

Wow I talked for a long time when all I wanted to do was share a link/review by the A.V. Club that does an excellent job of getting into last nights episode of Game of Thrones. Still it felt good venting a little bit.

Any way below is the full review of "The Bells" I copy and pasted from the link above. Hopefully the fans who are blindly bashing last nights episode will have a better understanding of the episode and series in general.

-----------------------------------------------

Westeros faces a disastrous final battle on the penultimate Game of Thrones

By Alex McLevy

Yesterday 9:20pm

Well, this all seems...horrible. 

It’s not that Tyrion’s plan worked, exactly. Jaime didn’t make it to Cersei in time, didn’t give the order to ring the bells and surrender the city. But his hopes nevertheless came to fruition; the soldiers of King’s Landing surrendered, throwing down their swords, the bells rang out, and all was won. Or so it seemed. Immediately thereafter, Daenerys Targaryen ignored the sound of supplication and laid waste to the city, burning innocents by the thousands, bringing half the buildings crumbling to the ground, all while Grey Worm led a bloodthirsty slaughter of the populace, far beyond the soldiers forced to abruptly pick their swords back up and defend themselves. It was cruel, capricious, and wholly avoidable. Varys, sad to say, was right.

GAME OF THRONES SEASON 8

A-

"The Bells"

EPISODE

“Ask not for whom the bell tolls,” goes the famous paraphrasing of John Donne’s sermon. “It tolls for thee.” The bitter truth of this aphorism—that the loss of any life is a loss for all—gets a brutal workout in the aptly named “The Bells,” arguably the best representation of George R.R. Martin’s deconstruction of fantasy tropes we’ve seen in several seasons. The bells of King’s Landing, it turns out, don’t toll for the loss of Cersei’s authority. They toll for the loss of everyone in the city, quite literally. This story began as a way to invert the cliched stereotypes of the hero’s journey, to twist the traditional narrative of swords and sorcery in a radical way and rethink how such epics are delivered. This episode brings that philosophy home. There are no good wars; any battle that begins with hearty cheering should end with somber melancholy; it doesn’t matter who the good guys and bad guys are in the face of death; nobody wants to die; the chaos of war makes villains and victims of us all.

The simplest rejoinder to all of Daenerys’ justifications is that this bloodshed could have been avoided. She was given a moment to choose, and she chose blind vengeance, the kind that eliminates any benevolence she hoped to bring to the seven kingdoms by burning it right out of the minds of anyone who saw her astride Drogon, mowing down men, women, and children with abandon. It gives the lie to her name for this fight, “The Last War.” There will be another, of course—maybe it will be led by the child who watched as her mother’s throat was cut in the streets by the so-called liberators of King’s Landing. Violence begets violence, and the only people still remaining will do the very thing that the living were fighting to preserve during the battle against the Night King: They’ll remember, and keep the memory of this bloodbath alive.

The progression from exhilarating hope to tragic denouement was skillfully executed by director Miguel Sapochnik, demonstrating a much better command of large-scale choreography here than we got to see in “The Long Night.” Honestly, the pivot from “fuck yeah!” (Daenerys laying waste to the Iron Fleet, then blasting the front gate of the city open from the inside, demolishing the lion’s share of the Golden Company in the process) to “Oh, dear god, no” (Dany and Grey Worm laying waste to everything after) was as solid a rug pull as could be hoped for. The build-up to Daenerys’ heel-turn this season hasn’t been as effective as it should have been given the way its foundation was laid during the mess in Meereen in previous seasons, and it was a bit simplistic to see her pin her sole hopes for optimism on the idea that Jon Snow still wanted to get it on with her (really? “Fear it is, then” because your nephew doesn’t have sex with you any more?), but Emilia Clarke sells the desperation. The younger Targaryen feels as though she’s lost any intimacy that tethered her to compassion and humanity, and so all that remains is the imperious need to rule that has driven her all these years, now bereft of the warmth that previously tempered her. When she hands Grey Worm Missandei’s old collar and he tosses it into the fire, Dany’s last thread of empathy burns as well, snuffed out even before Jon rejects her and ends her last-ditch plea for affection.

Varys would hate to have been proven right, but probably not as much as Tyrion hates himself right about now. After the Master Of Whisperers starts composing his written testimony about Jon being the rightful heir to the throne, Tyrion turns on his old friend and offers him up to Dany. It’s unsettling to see the presumable queen’s first assumption be that someone has betrayed her, but it’s even more telling that her first guess as to the betrayer’s identity is Jon. Varys even leans on Jon to assume the Iron Throne, which means he very well knew he wasn’t going to be around much longer, if he’s openly advocating others commit treason as well. But Tyrion can’t let Varys die thinking it was anything but their conversation, admitting to the spymaster that he turned him in. The moment when Tyrion firmly grabs his friend’s arm just before Dany utters the cue for Drogon to burn the eunuch alive is affecting, because it conveys both how much Tyrion cares for his friend, and also how much this is costing him. He’s pinning everything on his new queen, in hopes she’ll do exactly the opposite of what she does. (“I hope I deserve this, I truly do,” Varys even offers.) Whoops. The best of intentions, and all that.

Instead, Tyrion’s last genuine connection turns out to be his final conversation with his brother. Peter Dinklage and Nicolaj Coster-Waldeau have always had good chemistry, and Tyrion springing his brother free in what turns out to be a futile hope of preventing bloodshed and saving his sibling’s life is affecting in a way that Dany and Jon’s exchange lacks. “Cersei once called me the stupidest Lannister,” Jaime admits, and his world-weary resignation pairs well with Tyrion’s frantic hope for keeping his older brother alive. Commanding Jaime to try and escape with Cersei through the underground tunnels in order to escape to Pentos and start a new life—while ringing the bells of surrender on their way out, of course—gives the two one final chance to embrace. Tyrion’s tears contain the symbolic weight of his whole life; he wouldn’t be here if not for Jaime, as he admits, and his last hope is to give the man who risked everything to help him survive the same chance. Tyrion knows it’s a death sentence from Daenerys to betray her in this way, but he no longer cares.

And Jamie’s arc takes him from the heart of our heroes’ campaign to the arms of Cersei Lannister, with a brief stop along the way to put an end to Euron Greyjoy. The gleefully sadistic killer pushes Jaime into a fight, telling him that he slept with Cersei, and after a protracted struggle, even sinks his blade into Jaime’s side. But it turns out that a metal hand can be valuable in battle, after all, and Jaime uses it to help sink his own sword into Euron’s stomach. The irony of the manic Greyjoy’s final thoughts—“I’m the man who killed Jaime Lannister”—isn’t just that no one is around to bear witness. It’s that Jaime doesn’t die by his hand, but rather the crumbling bricks of the Red Keep.

Those final minutes with Cersei and Jaime are strong, mostly for how they upend the expected revelry of seeing one of the show’s true villains get her comeuppance. Stripped of all bravado, Cersei breaks, and shows the very scared, vulnerable woman who has kept her emotions at bay. “I don’t want to die,” she whimpers, “Not like this.” It’s all the more moving for coming from a character who built her identity on steely resolve and contempt for such hoary conceits as fear. The staging of their reunion is superb: Cersei standing on the map she created of Westeros, reeling as the citadel comes falling down around her, while the one man who actually still cares for her helps her sink beneath the surface of the city for a few moments of closeness before death. The odds were never good she was going to survive, but in being buried under the rubble of her failed ambition, she achieves a kind of pathetic grace in her downfall.

But enough pathos. On the opposite end of the emotional spectrum: CLEGANEBOWL! It’s the match the show has been teasing almost from the beginning, and overall, it didn’t disappoint. The Mountain versus the Hound played out entertainingly, with the elder Clegane still outmatching his younger brother pound for pound and blow for blow. Being turned into a walking zombie of sorts didn’t just amplify his strength; it essentially obviated the need to parry blows, as even Sandor sinking his sword deep into his undead brother didn’t seem to slow him down in the slightest. There’s a tense, horrifying moment when it looks like we’re going to get a replay of the Viper’s fate, as the Mountain starts to push his thumbs into Sandor’s eyes, and I cringed, awaiting the head crunch. But Sandor shoves his knife through his brother’s head, and when that doesn’t stop him, he sacrifices himself to kill his sibling, knocking them from the tower and plunging into the blazing fire below. R.I.P., Sandor Clegane and your malevolent brother.

Better still, all that time spent with Arya and Sandor Clegane pays off in an unexpected manner, as the Hound warns the youngest Stark off her single-minded devotion to her kill list. Rather than heading up to kill Cersei, he brings Arya up short with a pointed question: “Do you want to be like me?” In that moment, he reminds her of everything she still has that he doesn’t: Family. Friends. A purpose beyond murderous retribution. He brings her back to a moment akin to her disavowal of the House Of Black And White (“A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell, and I’m going home.”), pushing her to realize she still has reason to live. It’s in keeping with her character: Arya has always been the one to learn lessons where others might stubbornly plunge ahead (and she paid a serious price when she didn’t), employing boldness and caution in equal measure. Clegane gives her one last gift: Cersei is going to die regardless. No reason Arya should die with her.

Besides, Arya had one more, vital role to serve this episode. She becomes the audience stand-in to bear witness to the horrors of war. For those of us who haven’t read A Song Of Ice And Fire, this nonetheless feels like the most vivid display of the philosophy Martin has been playing with since the start. Death, in the early seasons, was always harsh and brutal and often unfair. For the first time in a long time, it was again. Everywhere she turns, Arya sees scared families, dying in awful ways. The woman who helps her survive, pulling her to her feet, dies screaming, holding her daughter as Dany burns them alive. A more evocative demonstration of the cost of the North’s fealty couldn’t be imagined.

Jon, watching the chaos unfold, is in shock. A Stark in spirit if not blood, he comes to the aid of a woman before she’s raped by a fellow soldier, but mostly, he’s struck dumb by the needless violence playing out around him, eventually able to do little more than exhort everyone to fall back and flee the city. Arya, conversely, springs into action on a smaller scale, as she always has. She tries to save people, even if it’s just those who helped her. As the show nicely mirrors the beats of Sandor and Arya’s struggles, cutting between them as if one body, the difference comes in Arya’s moment of aid: the woman’s hand reaching out to pull her up. Arya Stark is saved by a random woman who then dies horribly at the hand of the woman to whom her brother has pledged allegiance.

As she rides a horse out of the city, Game Of Thrones only has one episode remaining, but the hopes of the future ride away with Arya as well. Daenerys has become the person it was believed she wouldn’t be, and both Jon and Arya observe the terrible results of that transformation. By the end, Arya, half-blind and coughing up the dust of the city’s remains (and the remains of the bodies all around her), gets a front row seat to the carnage wrought by Daenerys Targaryen. Riding her dragon and leveling fire at friend and foe alike, regardless of intent, the Mother of Dragons comes across for all the world like a vengeful deity, a god of death reigning down fire upon the world. And what does Arya Stark say to the god of death?

Stray observations

R.I.P. Qyburn. The most loyal confidante of Cersei Lannister receives the ignoble death of being thrown headfirst into rubble by a grouchy Mountain, annoyed at being told to obey his queen.

It’s a gorgeous shot of Tyron entering the city, the camera registering a static image from behind him as he stands in the blown-out rubble of the city wall, watching the devastation unfold.

Again, Sapochnik’s direction was so much more assured and elegant here. His depiction of the spatial geography of King’s Landing was excellent, ably showing the massive distance between where Jon, Davos, and Grey Worm confronted the surrendering soldiers and the Red Keep far in the distance. Touches like that help to convey the scale and layout of the conflict in a more emotionally satisfying manner.

I quite liked Jaime being denied entrance to the Keep as Arya and Sandor passed through just ahead. Forcing him to go all the way around, essentially missing everything and receiving a mortal blow by coincidence from the unexpected appearance of Euron, helped keep a sense of frustrated expectations to the goings-on—sometimes, things just don’t go your way.

Dany’s words to Tyrion turn out to be far too prophetic: “It doesn’t matter now.”

What do you think the favor was that Tyrion asked for from Davos? My first guess was the orchestration of men sneaking into the city to ring the bells, but I’m far from confident about that.

I’m very pleased to report that I have very little clue what’s going to happen in next week’s series finale. I have some guesses about what could happen, but this episode was a refreshing tonic to the sometimes conservative mode of traditional heroics Benioff and Weiss have been dishing up this season.

[billssefton]

coworker’s expensive wedding registry, how can I help my heartbroken boss, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss wants us to buy a colleague expensive gifts from her wedding registry

I generally know your feelings on this, but I’ve got another question about gifts flowing upwards. One of our senior level executives, Sansa, is getting married in a few months. Sansa is a dream to work for, and I have no qualms about her whatsoever.

Our office manager (and my direct boss) Arya has decided to do something nice for Sansa. Arya sent an email to me and all of the admin staff with directions on how to access Sansa’s wedding registry. She instructed us to each pick one item and buy it for Sansa. Then she was going to compile all of the items in a large gift basket, get a cake, and throw Sansa a small wedding shower in the office. I am fine with this idea, except all of Sansa’s items are way out of my price range! Sansa’s salary is much higher than mine, to say the least, and she is used to designer everything. I’d love to do something nice for Sansa, but there’s just no way I can afford this (I suspect the other admin staff can’t either). However, my boss made it pretty clear that this was required. (We had to do something very similar in the past; one of our senior male executives’ wife had a baby, and my boss told us each to get a baby gift that we could put all together and present to him.) My boss is very big on doing these types of things for our head honchos, I think to help win their favor over us.

I could talk to my boss, but I have no idea what to say since I know she already views this as mandatory, and she’s not one to listen to reason when she’s already made up her mind. What do I do from here?

Are you positive she views it as required, as opposed to just thoughtlessly assuming no one will object to it? Sometimes things come across as required when they’re really not — or at least they’re not if someone pushes back.

You could reply-all to the email and say, “I can’t afford a registry gift on my own, and I suspect others might be in the same boat. Does anyone want to go in on an item as a group?” (To ward off your boss then suggesting a very expensive item as the group gift, you could suggest a couple of specific options or even say, “my upper limit right now for a contribution is $15 — if we all did that, we could get the silver carafe.”) In other words, rearrange Arya’s plan so that it’s actually affordable for you and others.

If your boss pushes back, be straightforward: “I can’t afford this.” / “It’s not in my budget.”

It’s truly okay to set these limits, and it’s very likely that your boss won’t keep pushing after you’re that explicit about it (and that’s doubly true if you can get other coworkers to say the same thing).

2. How can I help my heartbroken boss?

I work for a small, family-owned company, I have worked here for four years, and although a lot of people have had their ups and downs, I really love my job and have always had a consistently positive experience. Because it is family-owned, the family dynamic carries over into our small office (in both good and bad ways). This is where things get a little tough.

My big boss, the owner and founder of our company, is going through an absolute heartbreaking time right now. His wife of almost 20 years has left him completely, because of his habits of completely overworking and inattention to her, and moreover, because of his horrible temper. (We all love her and understand that she needs to do what’s best for herself, and this is the right choice for her.) He’s devastated and refusing to seek any help. He is literally working himself to death. It’s affecting our business, our client and vendor relationships, and the morale of the company. He has put himself in a position where he is completely self-made and does not delegate properly, and everyone here, including his children, employees, and vendors, is completely dependent on him financially. But we are drowning without any direction or clear communication from him.

What can I do? What can we do for him? He refuses to exercise or seek therapy, and I think he is just so overwhelmed with sadness. How can I support him both professionally and personally, by maintaining boundaries, but also in a way that expresses “I’m here for you, how can I help to move things forward?”

This may not be yours to solve.

If you’re in a position where you work very closely with him and have strong rapport, you can certainly name what you’re seeing and tell him that you’re concerned both for him and the business. Depending on your role, you also might be able to offer to take specific things off his plate temporarily. And depending on the dynamics there, you might be more effective if you approach him along with some colleagues to all deliver the same message.

But do be really clear on the boundaries of what you can and can’t solve, and where it is and isn’t appropriate for you to intervene. For example, his family can certainly talk to him about exercise and therapy (and even then, they’re limited in how much it’s appropriate to push either of those), but it’s not really your role as an employee, although you can certainly express concern for him as a person. And ultimately, even family may not be able to get through to him. You’re going to be better able to navigate this — and to spot when it would be healthier for you to move on — if you go in knowing that there are some things you can try (see above) but that your ability to change the situation is inherently limited by the fact that he’s your boss (and that even totally aside from that, our ability to make other people help themselves is limited).

3. Should I tell my boss how much our new hire slacks off?

I am fairly close with my boss (CEO, we will call her Nancy). She has another full-time job, as this company is a start-up and not in a place yet to support her financially, so she is never present in person but always available via Slack. Our newest hire, our marketing director (we will call him Andy), is not very productive. He is on Facebook a lot, is messaging his friends back and forth on iMessage, and takes care of personal stuff like banking and taxes. He is part-time and we pay him by the hour.

Andy recently submitted a large project (that he only spent 30 minutes on), and when I asked what Nancy thought of it, she said there wasn’t enough detail and that she isn’t sure what he does all day. She has said this phrase to me numerous times in reference to Andy. I’m not sure if I should say something or if I should keep my mouth shut. If I say something, it will be clear that I said something, as I am the only one who shares an office with him (I also have a clear view of his computer screen all day). His position is very important and he wants to be full-time, but I don’t want us to waste money on his salary if he isn’t being productive. I can’t tell if Nancy is vaguely asking me for insight or not. If I should broach the subject, how should I do so, without coming off as a tattletale or power hungry?

If Nancy knows you to be a solid, reasonable employee, you’re not going to come off as power hungry or a tattletale. And this isn’t “tattling” — tattling would be something petty like “I saw Andy walk to the printer barefoot,” not something substantive and important to his work and your employer. In fact, Nancy will probably be grateful if you discreetly fill her in on what’s you’ve seen since she’s not there to witness it and seems to be confused about what’s going on with him.

So yes, say something. Don’t dance around it either; be direct and straightforward so she has the information she needs. You can add something like, “Since I have to share an office with him, ideally you’d leave my name out of this so there’s not tension in our workspace, but I understand you might not be able to.” Really, though, once you tip Nancy off, she should be able to just use this on background without getting into “Celeste told me…” Ideally, she’d use this as impetus to really focus in on his work and productivity and lack of output — which are all things she can see on her on and is what the real issue is anyway.

There’s a school of thought that you shouldn’t relay this kind of thing if it doesn’t impact you, but when something is significantly impacting the the organization’s work, good managers appreciate a discreet, one-time heads-up delivered in a professional way. (Plus, this may end up affecting you if it affects the organization’s finances over time.)

4. Can I take back an introduction?

I have this colleague who I’ve worked with for about a year. She told me she was job searching and the geographical areas she was looking at. One of the areas, I happen to know someone at that institution so I said, “Well if you’re looking there, I graduated with someone who already works there. I could introduce you in an email if you have any questions.” So I did. I didn’t make a straight up recommendation of this person, but I did say we worked on a project together, I appreciated her energy, and I hoped he didn’t mind about the email intro. He wrote back a very friendly email saying nice things and that he was happy to answer any questions she had.

It’s now a few weeks later and I’m concerned I made a mistake. He wrote in his email that “Clearly Cersei thinks highly of you!” and invited her to ask questions via email. But I don’t think highly of her anymore. This employee has really, really checked out and I’ve seen a significant decrease in her productivity and dedication to her job since I sent the email, and even some difficulty and lack of total follow-through on two things we collaborate on between our two departments. So it does actually affect my work in a minor way. I heard through the grapevine her review didn’t go well recently, and that her boss knows she is looking and is frustrated she now has a checked-out employee. It’s difficult and long to fire someone, so it’s unlikely that will happen here.

My question is, I want to take back my introduction! I am concerned that any connection with someone whose work quality goes down hill so quickly like this is bad for my name. I don’t plan in staying in this field forever, but my name is important. Can I or should I write back to my friend at the other institution and say something? Also should I tell her that I understand she’s looking but she still needs to finish strong here and I have seen a noticeable drop off? I’m not her boss, but I don’t know if she knows or it’s my place to say something to her as well.

How close are you to her? If you’re not pretty close to her or senior enough to be in a position to give her feedback, then I wouldn’t say anything directly to her. (If you are close to her, though, you could frame it as, “Hey, people are really noticing the drop-off in your work and it’s affecting your reputation — more of a nudge for her benefit than a professional scolding.)

But you could certainly send a discreet email to your contact saying something like, “Between you and me, due to some developments here in the last few weeks, I no longer feel comfortable recommending Jane for a job. If y’all are seriously considering her at any point, I can give you more information, but for now just wanted to clarify that she’s not someone I can vouch for.”

5. References when you work for a family member

I work for a family member (my uncle) at his small business. While I am currently happy with my job, I’ve wondered how it should be handled if I did have a job search in the future. The owner/family member is my direct boss, and I don’t really have a peer who could stand in for a reference here. So I suppose hypothetically, how would one navigate this situation?

All you can really do is be up-front about it: “I should note that my boss at this job is my uncle. While I don’t think that will bias him, I wanted to disclose it.” And then make sure you’re offering other references to choose from (from previous jobs if there aren’t any to use from this one) so that they can either skip the uncle altogether if they want or balance it against other references.

You may also like:

my friend tried to strong-arm her way into a promotion

am I patronizing the admin?

my coworker keeps asking everyone for loans

coworker’s expensive wedding registry, how can I help my heartbroken boss, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://www.askamanager.org/2018/03/coworkers-expensive-wedding-registry-how-can-i-help-my-heartbroken-boss-and-more.html