#cheap effort to get the audience emotionally involved

[saviourkingslut]

finally finished s2 of the alienist... uhmm why was this season abt everyone BUT the alienist. hello. daniel brühl turn on your location i just want to talk

[gaiatheorist]

“50% Feminine.”

I’m going mad again, I’m listing probable reasons, but going mad isn’t reasonable, it’s something that just happens to me from time to time. This is one of the slow, creepy-uppy episodes, not one of the sudden, explosive ones, possibly less dangerous, but incredibly draining. It’ll pass, it always does, it had better do, it’s bloody horrible.

Standard disclaimer, I am at increased risk of harm, but I have no intent or ideation of deliberately harming myself, apart from drinking too much cheap-and-nasty wine, which is my standard maladaptive coping mechanism.

I woke up at 1.30am, and, after a brief discussion with my wonky brain, acknowledged that I was Awake-awake, and there was no chance of going back to sleep. This will have a knock-on effect for a few days, there’s a fair chance I’ll fall asleep in my dinner, but it’s mostly containable. (The madness, as well as the dinner.) Scrolling through Twitter, to see if I’d ‘missed anything’, I found a link to ‘My Gender Coordinates’, and decided to take the quiz, no better or worse use of my time than a Fakebook quiz to tell me what sort of sandwich, or shoe I am.

There are 35 questions, I can’t remember exactly how they’re worded, but it’s along the lines of “I am...” or “I consider myself...” about various character traits, or behaviours, you ‘answer’ on a sliding scale from double-thumbs-up to double-thumbs-down. There’s a ‘middle’ option, which, when I’m going mad, is always a bit tempting, I’m indifferent, I don’t care much about much when I’m in this state.(Until I do, and get all emotionally peaky, HATING an empty shampoo bottle on the bathroom floor, but refusing to move it, because it’s not mine, or finding myself close to tears because I think I’ve offended someone, and not quite knowing how to check.) 

The ‘results’ come out on a quadrant-graph thingy, Masculine/Androgynous/Undifferentiated/Feminine, I deliberately didn’t look at that first, because I would have skewed my answers, aiming for ‘undifferentiated’, I’m awkward like that. My results were that I ‘fall between quadrants’, no big surprise there, my dot was bang on the line between ‘masculine’ and ‘androgynous’, all in the top half of the square, ‘68.3% Masculine, 50% Feminine’, I don’t know how that works, it’s numbers, and maths and stuff, and my brain doesn’t work like that. (Haha, because I’m a girl, and girls are better at biology than physics. Bullshit.) 

What does it mean? In all likelihood, nothing, it does look kind-of scientific, which is why I answered all of the questions, instead of giving up at the first hint of a cartoon dinosaur, or a ‘pick which colour-scheme appeals to you’. (Cartoon dinosaurs are my new pet hate, I’ve recently had to wade back through the clip-art infested worksheets from the last mental health course, and I’m fairly certain I’ve imagined a cartoon dinosaur, but that’s a tangent I’ll try to avoid.) I have strong opinions on the concept of gender, for however-many years I’ve been writing on here, I’ve identified as ‘meat no-one eats’, my biological sex is female, and my uterus is certainly reminding me of that fact this week. My gender? Human. Probably. 

“Identified as”, how very modern, it’s not ‘really’ a new thing, to me, or the world, what I’m trying to do here is type out a safe-release, to vent, I suppose it all boils down to my resentment of being ‘told’. There are vague childhood memories of being told “Ladies do/don’t do...”, and I have a ridiculous rage-bubble of “Yes, and sloths poo once a week, what’s your point?”, too late one thinks of what one might have said. I’m no more a lady than I am a sloth, I’m probably leaning more towards sloth at the moment, I’m overdue a bath.

Working through the statement-ratings, I noticed I was pulling a face at some of them. All of them, to be honest, which surprised me, because, with a diagnosis of autism, there’s the preconception that my response would be binary-linear, black-or-white, always/never. It wasn’t, my response was invariably “That’s a stupid question.”, and they weren’t questions, for every single statement, I decided “Unable to answer without context.”, and had to imagine a scenario to contextualise “I am generous” or “I am decisive”, or whatever. ( I *am* decisive, given sufficient context.) I need to watch that I don’t fall into a psychopath/sociopath rabbit-hole here, my sometimes-linear approach could be viewed as psychopathic, and my bending/masking could fit a sociopathic profile. Too many personality quizzes in my teen-girl magazines, and an on-going desire to name and categorize things.

I was pulling a face at the statements that are usually associated with the concept of femininity, there really isn’t a male-brain/female-brain. (All brains smell horrible, I have smelled my own brain, wasn’t pleasant.) There are some biological differences, most notably the reproductive bits, but not really a great deal else, the ex used to say that humans were evolving to be more androgynous, but I see now that he was trying to justify the societally-imposed feelings of inadequacy that I was as tall as him, with more body-hair. He ascribed to the concept of androgyny when it suited him, lauding Bowie in public, and insisting I was ‘better’ at housework in private. A product of his upbringing, but deeply coercive-toxic. He enjoyed my androgynous-atypical nature up to a point, I was a trophy in more ways than just my long legs and pretty mouth, I confused the hell out of his ‘traditional’ family, though. 

The statements that made me screw up my face could have been coloured pink, they were the ones that ‘ladies do’, some, I consciously, deliberately-don’t, and some are just a natural hard-no, nature vs nurture in evidence. I have learned behaviours, and innate, natural tendencies, there was a bit of a domestic issue the other day when I noted my son being manipulative, and destroyed-devastated myself wondering if he’d learned-observed that from me.  I don’t think so, my avoidance-behaviours are quite different. I was pulling faces at the stereotypical ‘female’ traits, initially an “Ew, no, I don’t do that!” response, but, as I realised I was doing it, I wondered WHY I was repulsed. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with being kind/sensitive/compassionate, they’re human responses, not ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’, but even the quiz itself refers to them as  “Traits commonly found in people of the ... gender.” (Androgynous is referred to as high in male- and female-typical traits, undifferentiated as low in both.) Commonly, not exclusively.

Part of the issue is that I associate femininity with vulnerability and weakness. I choose not to ‘present as’ female most of the time, my sex usually isn’t obvious until people get close, and I don’t let many people get that close. (Even before the virus-distancing.) There are ‘historical and complicating factors’ behind some of that, but there’s also the gender-conditioning I grew up with, girls-should, and boys-should, I didn’t have particularly positive experiences or role-models, but, even aside from that, the general concensus was that male was stronger, better, more important, female was secondary and subservient. To do something ‘like a girl’ was an insult, but, by the same token, I was often criticised for not being ‘girly’, ever the outlier. I’m wondering how much of the non-femininity is reactive-protective, how much could be part of the autism, and how much is just ‘how I am’? 

Girly-females irritate me, vacuous conversations, hair-and-make-up, dependence on others, incessant diets and fads, I don’t ‘get’ any of it, and I don’t buy into it, I don’t see why I should, just because my genitals are in the more difficult-to-kick arrangement. (True to form, my son has more make-up and hair-stuff than I do, I can’t remember how he referred to my presentation a few weeks ago, but it might have involved goblins, and a bin.) Occasionally, people tell me I could be attractive if I made an effort, my go-to response is “What for?”, I do generally look as if I live in a tree, it doesn’t bother me. That’s not wholly a girl-thing or a boy-thing, I do know some very well-presented people of both flavours, but I’ve genuinely never overheard a group of men discussing razor-blades or underpants the way I’ve heard gaggles of women banging on about make-up and such. 

Women who talk in baby-voices, women who giggle and simper around men, women who don’t even try to pick things up themselves, I think what I’m saying is that I don’t like women who ‘act as’ women, and it is an act, my mother’s phone-laugh used to make me want to scream. 

Before I became annoyed at myself for placing more value on the traits more commonly associated with masculinity than femininity, I’d had a mini-argument with myself that it was impossible to rate any of the statements objectively. Am I kind? It depends on the situation, last week I helped a little old lady sort out a mis-delivered parcel, but the week before that, I’d sped up my walking pace, so I could get into the corner shop before the person behind me, it might have been the same little old lady, I wasn’t paying attention. I’d viewed the thumbs-rating as a never-always continuum, so, technically, all of the responses ‘should’ have been middle-option, for ‘sometimes’. (There might have been an explanation in the site somewhere, it was daft o’clock in the morning.) For each behaviour, I was thinking of a situation, which was wrong, I think I should have been rating least-likely to most-likely. The situation has an influence on the behaviour, if I had friends, I’d behave differently with them to the way I’d behave with a doctor, or a manager, or my son, and even that behaviour would depend on multiple external factors, it wouldn’t be static-consistent, it would be dynamic. We all do it, we’re socially conditioned to behave according to audience and environment.

I didn’t go to finishing school, I didn’t even go to university, there were no elocution or deportment classes at my rough-as-arseholes comprehensive school, and most of my childhood meals at home were eaten from a plate on my knee, on the sofa, in front of the TV. There were still expectations, though. Standing up if a teacher came into the classroom, not interrupting an adult speaking, letting elderly or otherwise infirm people on the bus first. I don’t remember my brother being given as many instructions as I was, though, and I think that was more to do with me being a girl than being two and a half years older, he did pretty much as he pleased, and was a ‘rascal’, or a ‘scamp’, whereas I was told to sit down (nicely), be quiet, smile, be helpful etc long before the wear a bra, brush your hair, show a bit of leg nonsense started. 

I’m fairly certain that the gender-specific conditioning is part of the reason my autism wasn’t diagnosed until I was 42. I’d had expectations drummed, and sometimes beaten into me all my life, everything was already an act, a performance, so I just assumed everyone else was ‘faking it’ all the time, over-riding gut-instinct on everything, and acting according to these confusing social scripts. The “What for?” streak in me is problematic for other people, I’m viewed as difficult, challenging, sometimes plain rude, and overly bold ‘for a woman’. I don’t speak much, but, when I do, I make it count, I’m tenacious and determined, and, most of the time, completely exhausted trying to remember and correctly apply rules and boundaries, scripts I don’t understand the reasoning behind, and constantly-consistently assess environments and audiences, to avoid ‘getting it wrong’. 

I am blunt at times. I can be articulate and eloquent, but sometimes a situation demands just-enough information to convey the salient point. I don’t tend to ‘waste words’, and am frustrated when people fanny about with “Does that make sense?” and “This might sound silly, but...” Anecdotally, I hear that from women more than men, we’re discouraged from being too much to-the-point, to go the long way around things, instead of straight at them, and to check for reassurance. I speak ‘like a man’, it’s more efficient. (”Does everyone understand what they are to do?” was my preferred meeting-closing-statement, I’m brutal.) 

I sometimes see the reverse-of-me in my son, he isn’t the least bit blunt or brutal most of the time. (He did shout “Stop it!” at me quite forcefully one day last week when I was having a meltdown after getting bin-juice on my face. He saves his command-voice for emergencies.) He ties himself in knots about communicating with people, and avoids most conversation, although he’ll babble incessantly to himself to process thoughts and ideas. (I have sores inside my ears that won’t heal, because I keep putting my earphones in to drown out his waffling about D&D plots and such.) He’s nervous-anxious where I’m bold, he’s scared of a million things that I’m not in the least bit concerned by, but then, I am an idiot. Biological sex is not gender, but neither of us are really binary-gendered. (I’m not going to suggest he does the quiz, he’s so incredibly indecisive it would melt his brain.) I never conditioned him ‘male’, he’s always just been another human to me, but he has had conflicting messages from his Dad’s side of the family, boys-don’t-cry, come-and-kick-this-ball, look-at-the-tits-on-that, and the girly-girl aunts and cousins. Confusing times, but he has referred to himself as a pan-sexual trans-humanist, and I don’t really know what that is. (He hasn’t asked me to use different pronouns, or a different name, so he’s still ‘him’.) 

I’m rambling. I’ve been pecking away at this for hours, but I do feel a little more settled for doing it. I didn’t go off on as many ranty tangents as I thought I might, which is reassuring, this episode of going mad has been mostly-irritable, and I don’t like it. Catch-22, there, as a female, I’m ‘supposed to’ be all pink and fluffy, and nice, but the lazy stereotype of a woman can also be a nagging old harridan, I’m straddling that line as well as the line between quadrants on the quiz. I bet you 10p that if I did the quiz again, I’d be able to skew the answers to place the dot dead-centre in the grid, but I might blow up the internet if I did that, and imagine the mess that would make.          

[mbti-notes]

(1/8) Yayy, I love Fleabag and I love your blog and everything you write, so I hope you're up for a discussion of your typings (and I hope all the asks come through). Agree about Fleabag, the Godmother and Harry's (his frequent breakups with Fleabag seemed INFJ door slams, but his endgame points to Si) typings. Boo and Fleabag seemed to have been the sort of BFFs who matched because their personalities were quite similar... What made you conclude ESFP rather than ENFP? Same goes for Martin...

Boo’s interests are all concrete, her thinking is always immediate and short-term, Ni grip was apparent in her hasty death.

Same goes for Martin. While I see signs of tertiary Fe in his deliberate manipulation of Claire and pleasure at bringing Fleabag down, and also the overall recklessness of unhealthy EPs, I couldn’t be sure whether he was Se or Ne dom.

I see no evidence of dominant Ne nor inferior Si but many vulgarities and desires that are indicative of unhealthy Se.

What about the Bank Manager? My memory of series one is fuzzy, but he makes an effort to work things out with Fleabag (and women in general) even if he judges too quickly, which could point at aux/tert Te-Fi, I guess.

He is honest and straightforward, no pretension, but severely limited in his perspective. His moral reasoning ability is rather rudimentary, which makes F unlikely. His life is in a deep rut and he is drawn to Fleabag because she is his opposite and helps spark his lower function development. She comes to symbolize the key to understanding his failures and frustrations (both in terms of how he treats women and his lack of function development), therefore, helping her succeed is also helping himself find his own way. He’s reconciling who he is by reckoning with his past mistakes through Fleabag.

The Father clearly struggles with expressing his feelings. He wants to communicate better with Fleabag, but he understands and prefers Claire (a T), so probably IxTx, perhaps Ti-Fe if we consider the main issues presented in the story plus the fact that he quickly fell for Godmother, a Fe dom? I’d like to know your reasoning for him. Anyway, I’d typed Claire and the Priest as ISTJ and ENFJ respectively, and these ones I was sure to have gotten right. xSTJ was clear for Claire, and episode 203 was the one that cemented her as ISTJ for me. She is constantly anxious and full of routines and rituals and micromanages everything, from actions to looks to even jokes, implying a lot of overthinking (I); she clashes with Fleabag because she’s insecure about the possibility of not being as interesting and funny as Fleabag (tertiary Fi). Also, she tries to pretend that she enjoyed the night, that her marriage is going well and that she thinks Fleabag kissed Martin rather than the opposite because of Si’s need to maintain security and stability and not lose what she’s conquered. By accepting her individuality, her feelings and the possibility of something better for herself, she takes action to improve her life, which implied much needed extraverted development. Also, most ESTJs I’ve met, despite being control freaks privately, are more adaptable and relaxed as well, especially in public (higher Te-Ne).

The show centers around Fleabag’s dysfunction. In Si grip, Fleabag tries to pinpoint Boo’s death (and her own hand in causing it) as the “point of origin” but her problems go far deeper than that, all the way back to her family relationships. Everyone in the family is equally messed up despite appearances. The show doesn’t go very far into the historical causes of their collective dysfunction, but it does a good job of illustrating the dysfunctional patterns as they exist in the present. The characters are largely products of old family patterns, therefore, it’s hard to understand each member individually without the context of their collective family dynamic.

A very common family dynamic involves projecting all of the family’s history of dysfunction onto the “weakest link”, aka, the black sheep. The black sheep is usually “chosen” according to their so-called inferiority for failing to live up to the family’s unspoken values, then they are routinely criticized and shamed for being something that is perceived as contrary to the family’s survival and well-being. Over time, this dynamic places an unspoken duty/expectation onto the black sheep, namely that they should always be “the one that ruins everything” whenever the family requires a scapegoat to deflect responsibility for dysfunctional behavior. Fleabag is obviously the black sheep, so everyone uses her as the punchline (for easing tension), the punching bag (for displacing their frustration), and the punch down (for a cheap win during power struggles).

As a defense mechanism, Fleabag believes that she is actually the superior member of the family because she’s “clever” enough to see through people’s fakery or hypocrisy. Despite the concrete proof of her own life being a total mess, she likes to think of herself as being more self-aware than others, i.e., she implicitly blames her life failures on the fact that she can’t fake it or lie to herself like everyone else. However, she doesn’t realize that playing the black sheep role is her form of self-deception. She is deeply caught up in a logical contradiction of knowing she is less than but also believing herself better than, and we see this over and over again in her asides to the audience. By exercising crude power in exposing other people’s fakery, she doesn’t have to look at her own and expose herself, and this plays perfectly into the family pattern that always ends up ricocheting back onto her. Whenever she exposes anything resembling the truth of the family’s dysfunction, regardless of whether she does it kindly or maliciously, she is roundly blamed for “acting out”, being “cruel”, “screwing up”, “ruining everything”, etc etc. The family immediately comes together to activate the scapegoating pattern and, in the end, nothing changes and the pattern repeats the next time they get together. Her twisted way of “caring” for her family is to play the black sheep, and their twisted way of “bonding” is to collectively reinforce their status as not the black sheep.

When people treat you like a black sheep long enough, you believe it and it becomes your identity, and playing this role so well leads her to blow up all of her relationships outside of the family. In accumulating many failed relationships, it’s very easy to slide into settling for less or settling for what you think you deserve, and she has been trained over a lifetime to feel less than deserving. As a defense mechanism, she’s romantically attracted to people who aren’t capable of knowing who she really is, which in turn gives her justification for blowing up each relationship as they are always shallow and meaningless anyway. But this automatic and destructive pattern hits rock bottom when she destroys the only person who’s managed to really know her. She then gradually becomes more aware that she’s repeating unconscious conditioning and could perhaps choose otherwise, but ingrained patterns are hard to change without help and guidance, which eventually invites the influence of the priest.

You might think that their father bears the brunt of the blame for the family being so dysfunctional, but he has plenty of his own unresolved issues that make him more like a child than a parent. The show does not offer any explanation for him but everyone has a history. It seems that he has always been emotionally absent and socially inept in that he allowed their mother to do all of the parenting and caregiving. He is not aggressive, obsessive, or controlling as you would expect for unhealthy TJs, rather, he is detached, distant, avoidant, and indifferent. When you talk to him face-to-face, there is some natural warmth there, but once you are out of his sight, you are out of his mind. You know that he loves you in his way, you know that he tries to empathize, but you also know that he utterly fails to understand anything about you no matter how hard either side tries to bridge the gap. It’s hard to fault him for what is clearly a “disability”? Because of his ineptitude, he traps himself in a codependent relationship with his shadow opposite type, a narcissistic person who calls all the shots in the relationship so that he never has to lift a finger, i.e., he never ever has to bear moral responsibility for anything, and taken to an absurd conclusion, he lives in a pitiful state of learned helplessness. You never have to feel bad if you never do anything, right? Wrong, he is still guilty of sins of omission, and for that he’s never able to truly be at ease no matter what he does to shed away every difficulty. Ideally, a good stepmom takes care of the step-kids, but he was not lucky enough to snag one, so he must accede to the bad stepmom’s judgment or else, heaven forbid, he loses his easy life by having to take responsibility for the girls on his own.

Unhealthy TPs need uptight Js to help them keep life in order, but they often prefer Ps for their amusing company. The father does not “prefer” Claire for what/who she is, rather, he merely appreciates that she doesn’t make any trouble for him, which he wants to believe absolves him of blame. He can say, “See, I have one good daughter, so it’s not my fault that the other one is bad”. There are many parallels between Claire and her father in how they approach relationships very passively and helplessly. Deep down, his heart actually prefers Fleabag for the fact that she more closely resembles her mother and the fact that she is braver than him and challenges him (to be better). He wishes to have a better relationship with her, similar to what he must’ve had with her mother, but he’s unfortunately incapable of containing the dysfunction that bad parenting and unresolved grief has wrought upon her.

You say that Claire should be more flexible if tertiary Ne, but why would you expect her to have any healthy functions? She clearly suffers inferior grip quite often and thus cannot use any of her functions optimally. Every SJ with unhealthy Si-Ne uses micromanagement of routines/rituals as a crutch, so this is true for both dominant and auxiliary Si - your claim here only proves SJ. She’s just as fucked up as Fleabag is, only she is better at repressing her feelings, and for this alone, ISTJ is very unlikely. ISTJs are introverts and they prefer to give up and be at peace rather than double and triple down on stupid behavior in the manner that Claire often does. Her main problem in life is that everything she does to “manage” situations results in her betraying herself in some way, which is strongly indicative of infantile Fi. I disagree that stubbornness is her fatal flaw ala Si-Fi loop; if that were the case, she’d be more than happy to give up everything to Fi loop and disappear into the background. She would also never ever go near Fleabag nor trust her with anything due to the fact that she has already encountered countless past experiences of Fleabag blowing up situations in awful and unpredictable ways. ISTJs are at their least forgiving and never forget whenever it comes to delegating important tasks.

I argue that what gets Claire truly upset is not being unprepared for “all negative possibilities in the abstract” but rather the possibility of LOSING FACE, i.e., being publicly humiliated and exposed as the uncool simpering hypocrite that she is, which is indicative of deep-seated fear of Fi (she envies Fleabag for her “cool” factor for this reason). Unhealthy Te doms, falling apart internally, are still capable of maintaining functionality in external life far longer than other types. She suffers from serious grip problems but still manages to perform her duties at home and at work, which simply wouldn’t be possible for Ne grip. With Fi grip, she instantly switches to very ugly self-pity and irrationally self-protective behavior when threatened by anything. Her instinct upon feeling the vulnerability of exposure is to go on and on and on about how “successful” she is, which usually includes a few rounds of punching down at everyone in an attempt to disown her bad decision making. ISTJs are rarely capable of bullshitting themselves to that extreme; they are more likely to react with humility and even resignation when presented with incontrovertible proof of their failures (see: Bank Manager).

Claire was probably expected to be “the responsible one” (aka elder/caregiver sibling archetype) because there was no one else to take responsibility. However, at this point in her life, she has achieved enough career success to be independent from the family. The fact that she can’t help herself from enacting her old role speaks to the lack of self-insight that is characteristic of inferior Fi, i.e., as much as she complains about hating the pressures and headaches of being “the responsible one”, she unconsciously LOVES it because it grants her a superior position in the family. She’s not willing to give up the pain because she’s not willing to give up the payoff, and this internal love-hate contradiction is what makes her relationship with Fleabag dysfunctional despite the love and affection they have for each other. I don’t think ISTJs are able to bear such obvious internal contradiction and still manage to claim integrity. ISTJs find it much more painful, if not impossible, to pretend and posture for the sake of appearances, because they are supremely stubborn people when it comes to preserving their subjective sense of integrity. By contrast, inferior Fi makes it very easy to ignore subjective integrity and choose destructive methods of obtaining feelings of power and superiority, hence she ends up betraying her own well-being all the time.

As for the Priest, we both agree on him being a Fe dom. What made me choose Ni rather than Si is that he admitted to have been quite a different person in the past by alluding to his many sexual experiences, probably a hint of Se as well. But then he met God and everything took a 180 for him (N, not S), implying that he was uncomfortably adrift for a while and needed a sense of meaning and a clear vision of his path ahead to feel whole (Ni). Also, PWB has said that Fleabag was drawn to the Priest because he has an established sense of purpose, which she’s been looking for, which highlights their P vs J and Ne vs Ni differences. You could argue that he was drawn to her because of tertiary Ne, but I don’t see signs of Si’s typical grounded outlook (he uses a lot of abstractions to explain his ideas) or typical adherence to traditions (the path to his faith wasn’t primarily through this motivation as it happens to many) or typical narrow-mindedness (quite the opposite, he used to be quite open to experiences due to Fe+Se). Oh, and I forgot to mention, the Priest can read and understand Fleabag so well that he even gets to enter her internal world and listen to her personal thoughts. To be able to understand people with this level of depth is, of course, more natural for xNFJs rather than xSFJs, who help people on a more practical level (Fe+Ni v Fe+Si).

I think your understanding of Si is still quite stereotypical. ESFJs have a common pattern of using Ne to “find themselves” only to end up lost because what they’re really doing is Ne loop. ESFJs tend to grow up feeling very pressured to be rule abiders and it is common for them to go through a rebellious stage a bit later in life compared to other types, once the pressure finally reaches a breaking point. After swinging from the painful oppression of “rule observant” behavior in youth to the painful failures of “rule breaking” behavior in young adulthood, they eventually boomerang back to old touchstones, i.e., they ground themselves by rediscovering comfort in the known. IIRC, the priest felt lost and eventually revisited religion for guidance, he made the beliefs his own rather than blindly following dogma, and he chose to commit his life to doing good because HE genuinely wanted to, not because family/society told him to. A healthy ESFJ establishes a stronger sense of self once they reconcile with the past and make “rule following” more palatable by turning it into a personal choice (rather than feeling obligated to constantly self-sacrifice). I disagree that he “transformed” from one person into a completely different one, I think it’s more accurate to say that he had no idea who he was and got increasingly lost until he discovered himself by looking backward and making sense of his past experience. 

Religion is an abstract concept, there’s no avoiding abstract discussions about religious beliefs when you’re debating a non-believer, especially when that non-believer is Ne dom. Ne is tertiary and people often use tertiary functions for relief, therefore, ESFJs tend to enjoy abstract discussions, especially of the Ne variety that is full of humor and playfulness, exactly like the kind that he gets with Fleabag. I dare you to try joking around with a “true believer” ENFJ. Their beliefs are deadly serious to them, so they show far less patience for sacrilegious play (unless, for some reason, they have developed an irrational fear of being criticized as dogmatic and pretend to be open-minded). Also, why would an *N*FJ be shocked and alarmed or seem resistant to using intuition to “read” people? Why would their intuition seem so painfully accidental? NFJs generally LIKE using intuition and do it naturally as part of who they are, they embrace it and feel more confident the more they are in touch with it.

Ns tend to speak in abstractions but not everyone who speaks in abstractions is N, similarly, every NJ needs a sense of purpose but not everyone who seeks a purpose is NJ -> beware this logical fallacy: “every cat has four legs but not every four-legged creature is a cat”. NJs need a purpose for materializing their personal potential, SJs seek a purpose for the sake of grounding themselves in something unshakable within - you point out the behavior without grasping the true motivation. When ESFJs develop Si well, they recognize that what makes them happy is to be of service, to be a positive contributor to their community, to be a reliable source of help and comfort to those in need. He is not a charismatic and boastful preacher of the ENFJ sort, rather, he sees himself as a humble servant who uses reliable traditional beliefs to help ground people who feel lost in hectic modern life, using his own past experience as the starting point. The fact that he has the strength to end the relationship with Fleabag before it becomes negative and destructive is a testament to Si steadfastness and how strongly the rules matter to him (Ns are very masterful at rationalizing that the rules don’t apply to them, and that’s often how they end up in bad places). Why would you expect him to display all sorts of negative signs of Si if he is meant to be the positive moral guidance for the show? And wouldn’t it make sense for him to use his well-developed Si to reveal to Fleabag the true extent of her dysfunctional Si? Would an ENFJ instinctively know better than an ESFJ how to remedy Si specific identity dysfunction?

Can you please allow us to submit things to you? In the case of long asks like mine, it helps to avoid any part not getting sent.

I have considered this before but I’m not sure I want to do that.

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[nevospitanniy]

Rambly Teen Wolf/Big Wolf On Campus meta

Preface this by saying I didn’t expect to actually get into TW. This show kicked me in the teeth, balls and every organ I do and do not possess. If I’m going to be any degree of helpful, I need some structure up in here. Fair warning, it’s just like my opinion man.

1. Characters

Tommy is Scott. A werewolf with a heart of gold that cares deeply about people around him. It’s explored much more in depth with TW, duh - they had more seasons, more money and a higher age rating, using more drama and angst. But the outline is definitely there: they are both introduced to the fantastic world of lycanthropy by their extremely knowledgeable and helpful buddies (Merton/Stiles respectively), can be shitty to their best friends (Tommy throwing Merton under the bus to save his popularity/Scott abandoning Stiles for Allison multiple times), take on the role of the designated savior of the town from supernatural threats, prefer non-lethal methods, are Alphas (Tommy’s status could be contested, I guess, but the show never put an actual emphasis on pack dynamics, probably they thought it was too odd of a concept to start explaining because then you have to get to the whole omega part and that is c o m p l i c a t e d), fight organized evil!werewolves, had two main love interests, none of which held up (yeah, weaksauce, but I thought I’d still put it out there), kinda subpar in academics but good athletes. Scott gets so much more actual character development it’s not even funny, while Tommy just sort of meanders in what he has and gets dumbed down a lot for seasons 2/3.

Merton is Stiles, no shit. A nerd best friend, a friend in need more importantly, a loyal (mostly) spastic (very) companion. Dynamic between sciles and tommerton (platonically) is quite different because of how their backstories differ - after all, Scott and Stiles have known each other since forever, while Tommy pays attention to Merton only after being bitten, when they become friends almost out of necessity. But there is no denying that all four of them, in their respective duos, are joined at the hip, oftentimes with an inclusion of a girl to break up their awesome bromance (Allison/Lori and Stacy). Merton/Stiles go unappreciated for their efforts a lot, especially if you consider they are human and yet get into the same exact shit as fast and durable werewolves, surviving by wits, last ditch effort loyalty change (Merton) or a fear override (Stiles) and saving the day half of the time because they actually do research. Both seem to have a penchant for magic (unsubtly implied but never expanded upon for Stiles), both are comedic reliefs, even if in slightly different ways as commanded by the genre, both are excellent students, both are mostly unsuccessful with women and ambiguously bi/pan/omni, if you consider the technically non-human options. Complicated family relationships. Both have abandonment/commitment issues, both room (jury is still out there for sciles because of 6b) with their best friends in college. As for notable differences, Stiles undergoes a massive character transformation, a monumental shift, I’d say - not exactly doing a 180, but inching closer than any other character to actual plot relevant growth, and not for better, which is a rarity. Merton’s personality also changes for the worse, but it’s a result of clumsy writing and forced female presence in the shows plot as a romantic crutch. It would be interesting if fan meta on Merton’s less ehh flattering moments was expanded upon and explained in the series; what I wouldn’t give for an actual quality heart to heart between Tommy and Merton Ike every show nowadays seems to have in abundance, where they call each other out on their issues.

Women are more complicated. There are no exact parallels, barring the very basic archetypes, which would do no justice to any of the four, namely Allison and Lydia for TW and Lori and Stacy for BWOC. But yes, Allison is close to Lori - a fighter, someone who can take it and dish it out. Problem with Lydia/Stacy comparison is that it breaks down as soon as Lydia gets a sliver of character development, because at first, her queen bee status definitely resonated with Stacy, but while she was put on a bus without any real involvement in the show’s plot, Lydia becomes downright plot essential.

2. Writing

BWOC had an incredible season 1, with select episodes of season 2 being very good and, well, we don’t talk about season 3. Point being, even with the constraints of a cheap Canadian show for kids it managed some genuine brilliance, I’m sure in a big way thanks to the chemistry between cast members (specifically the two of consequence). Monster Of The Week format certainly seemed to work well for them, and I will forever mourn the loss of all the potential arcs and plot twists that never saw the light of day. TW had the privilege of, despite a mediocre display in season 1, becoming popular enough to spawn 5 more seasons, and I think they definitely had very strong moments, most of them carried on the back of Dylan O'Brien, like void!Stiles, relationship between him and his dad, and yes, his relationship with Derek, which turned out to be largely inconsequential to the plot (writers queerbaited the f u c k out of its audience and then just did nothing of worth with the pairing, BUT THATS HARDLY RELEVANT). I don’t know whether Peter Knight is just that good or the innocent nature of BWOC lends itself to less complicated plots and finished stories, but most BW episodes were microcosms, closed systems that had little bearing on any overarching storylines. They provided closure, well-defined villains and good guys, which is a very appealing quality, if a touch simplistic. I admit, I would’ve liked to see something with more “depth” and conflict, but the restrictions of the channel/network/rating are nothing to sneeze at. TW on the other hand ties almost every episode into another, weaving a continuous storyline. Personally, I think they should’ve done more one off episodes to break up the monotony of waiting for action set pieces. You need some hella witty dialogue to keep people watching while fuck all is happening and they sort of failed at that (again, Stiles carried most of the comedy). Almost everyone in BWOC is uniquely likable; TW has a much bigger cast so they definitely had ups and down as far as character writing was concerned.

Main problem with this whole disjointed comparison is how you can’t compare things that aren’t on the same level. It’s not a dig at quality or anything, but TW had 6 seasons and a huge budget, while BW barely got 3. TW and BWOC kinda started in a similar vein, but boy do they differ. That being said, I have an inkling that BW may have ended up looking a lot like TW in different circumstances - if it was made at a later date, on another channel, with a different rating/audience in mind. But then again, a lot of good things BW is liked for are a direct result of these aforementioned “hurdles” - all the double entendres would never fly for a tv-14 rated show, its generally cheerful and uplifting tone was probably required by the network and being a child of the 90s it carried a lot of charm that would be borderline impossible to fabricate now if they wanted to keep the ~aesthetic. So I can only compare real TW with hypothetical BWOC that got a bigger budget and more screentime. But doing that makes NO SENSE, so imma just finish with some general thoughts about the direction show might’ve gone.

I genuinely think that in different circumstances, Merton could’ve had a wonderfully dark character development. He’s a non-violent character, but does have this morbid curiosity that could’ve put him eventually in a position to cause grievous bodily harm to someone. He seems to get off on power play (both having power over someone and surrendering it), and that’s a slippery slope for an emotionally tender and damaged character. Tommy is his rock in a number of ways, his human connection outlet, a more teen oriented show would, of course, use his ‘scars’ to carry the narrative of overcoming tragedy. Merton does the same for Tommy, being his emotional support, because how liberating it must be to not hide his werewolf side and he could do it literally with 1 (one) person before Lori came into focus. Queerbait aside, their relationship was great, a deep involved friendship, and with Tommy being so resistant to evilness and Merton being so easily corruptible, they could’ve played off this contrast in a way more interesting than what we saw in s3.  

I also would’ve loved to see some female characters that aren’t barely two-dimensional; Stacy was, in one word, confused - we know very little of her actual personality, aside from her feminism rhetoric and an allergy to committed relationships. Lori was ‘the action girl’, and she got a slightly bigger piece of pie, but still not nearly enough. Fuck, I don’t even know if the show passes a Bechdel test. TW showed us actual fleshed out female friendships that weren’t toxic or competitive, would’ve been nice to see something of the sort in BWOC.

[otsucottage]

GMP Action Pillar Analysis: Live Action Himura Kenshin vs. Shishio Makoto 

Note: the purpose of this analysis is to describe what it takes for an action scene to contribute to the overarching narrative of the story of which it is a part. Ideally, the action scene should tell a story works on its own, while doing something to move the rest of the story forward and contribute to the characterization of the combatants involved.

The “GMP” abbreviation stands for the attributes I will be analyzing below:

Geography:  placement and location of combatants

Motion:  techniques used to engage the audience in the conflict of the combatants

Psychology: the individual stories that are being told in the the context of the fight

Geography

Every fight scene in this movie trilogy excels at using geography properly to draw the audience in and give us a sense of how the environment affects the fight on screen. Kenshin is intent on being the one to strike, but of course, he’s going to wait until Shishio is finished descending from the stairway to avoid wasting energy on striking at an opponent who's more able to defend himself by utilizing the higher ground.

Note that the scene is taking place in a cluttered cargo area of a ship. Nothing in the immediate area is allowed to go to waste. Shishio is able to use the boxes themselves as disposable weapons to bludgeon Kenshin to the point that he completely loses his bearings for the first time in the trilogy. Both combatants pause slightly when sawdust obscures their vision - none of this Dragonball Z/Loony Toons flailing around in a cloud nonsense with these two.

Lastly, I’d like to highlight the way Kenshin tries (and fails) to use the environment around him. He’s usually able to make use of cramped spaces for the purposes of evasion and quick strikes. It quickly becomes clear that this strategy won’t work as Shishio is used to fighting in the same narrow trenches as Kenshin in the Boshin War. Terrain is something that both men regard as weapons to be wielded against one’s opponent, and Shishio’s “terrain-no-jutsu” is in a class of its own.

Motion

This film series consistently performs so well in this area that it’s almost not worth including this section in any given analysis of the scene. The filmmakers made a very wise decision when they eschewed the use of doubles, shaky camera effects, or CGI enhancements to make the fight scenes look more impressive. The scene always shows what is happening to both combatants at any given time. The director chose to switch between narrow and wide shots not to “keep things from being boring,” but to ensure the audience had a sense of where Shishio and Kenshin are within the environment. They don’t use visual tricks to convey Kenshin’s disorientation or Shishio’s joyful savagery: they leave that up to the actors. The cameras are simply assigned the role of making sure the audience can follow what’s happening through a very fast-paced scene in a cluttered environment.  

Psychology

In case the asterisks I used at the beginning of this post didn’t make it clear, the psychology of the scene is the most important pillar from a storytelling perspective. As Ninouh aptly describes it, “psychology” is shorthand for the story that’s being told. No matter how well choreographed a fight scene is, it’s boring filler if it doesn’t tell a story on it’s own and contribute to the larger story. I freely admit to having skipped entire episodes of anime I was watching because it looked like the episode itself was just an excuse to stall for time by trying to distract me with displays of the characters’ fighting prowess. It’s such a pet peeve that  I’ve been overzealous about it a few times. I would happen upon some interesting moment later on in a show and realize that it was an important snippet slipped into a fruitless battle episode I skipped.

I think it’s worth bearing in mind that the term “fanservice” doesn’t refer to sexual content alone. “Fanservice” is a term that refers to tropes that are not strictly necessary for the story being told, but used as an enhancement to keep the audience engaged when the creator(s) worry that the audience might be losing interest, or simply  a popular catch phrase that isn’t necessary but the artist(s) know the audience enjoys. In truth, Kenshin’s “Oro?” catchphrase is fanservice on par with the teeny weeny metal bikinis in the Magi franchise, or the 4th season of Arrested Development’s frequent references to jokes and memes from the first three seasons of the show everyone had been quoting for years while they waited for a reboot.  (－‸ლ)

Of course, fanservice isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It works to varying degrees. Watsuki Nobihuro’s decision to run with “Oro,” as a catch phrase when he noticed readers liked it is a prime example of how to properly use fanservice as icing on what’s already a very delicious cake.

But I digress...

What makes this scene truly brilliant is the story that’s being told. One could stumble upon this clip having no idea what franchise the movie is from and understand what’s going on. It’s like a well-composed ballet.

Kenshin is fuming with anger and eager to cut the bloodthirsty monster in front of him that must be stopped at all costs. However, he’s a seasoned swordsman who knows how to balance his emotional motivations with strategy, and never lose sight of his true objective. With that in mind, he waits until Shishio is on even ground and in a neutral stance. He knows that Shishio is an experienced, strategic opponent who won’t go down easily. He knows that if Shishio is still talking, he’s on his guard. There is no “sucker punching” your way through Makoto Shishio.

With that in mind, Shishio assumes his neutral stance, taking the opportunity to read Kenshin in a way that borders on being a trap. Of course, it’s not a true trap: it’s just his best course of action as he has not had a chance to learn his secrets or see him fight (unlike the  anime & manga, in which most fights with Shishio’s subordinates are set up as recognizance missions rather than real attempts at taking Kenshin down.)

Shishio fights like a literal demon plucked out of a dark tale from ancient Japanese lore. Once he engages Kenshin, he is fighting as much for his survival/original objective as the thrill of testing a man whose said to be his equal. He relishes every moment of the fight: he smiles with glee and becomes more enthusiastic with each blow that connects with is target. He laughs out loud once he realizes he has Kenshin on the defenses, making half-hearted attempts at grabbing Kenshin to further unsettle his opponent and prolong his moment of amusement around the 0:35 timepoint. Houji’s praise for Shishio underscores the amount of trouble that Kenshin is in.

When you combine that with the amount of effort and wary expression on Kenshin’s face throughout the first volley, it’s clear that Kenshin doesn’t stand a chance at defeating Shishio alone, but there’s no turning back. If anything, he seems more disgusted with Shishio than ever and even more determined to find a way to do the impossible.

Kenshin lunges again at Shishio, giving it his a few different tactics he wasn’t using before. Shishio quickly has him on the defensive yet again, but Kenshin keeps plowing ahead as best he can. Shishio has the upper hand to such an overwhelming degree that he literally has Kenshin’s back to the wall twice. Kenshin is emotionally panicked but maintains technical form, which only excited Shishio even more. Long before the 1:21 timepoint, it’s clear that Kenshin’s on a sort survival mode autopilot. He’s having to put all of his effort into surviving. He doesn't’ have time to look for openings that this “High Heavenly Dragon” style of swordsmanship is designed to exploit. There are no openings - only strikes to doge to prolong his own life.

We don’t need a shaky cam effect to understand that Kenshin is disoriented. Shishio is literally bashing his head against walls of cargo with glee. He’s no longer fighting a man, but an Oni trying to maul him to death. That’s why a literal roaring sound effect is introduced in the moment that Kenshin dodges another blow while he’s pinned at the 1:22 timepoint. For a few moments, Kenshin is just curled up in a defensive position, hoping it will minimize the damage that’s being done until he can find a way out of the the cage of crates around him.

Once he’s in the open again, Kenshin puts all of his energy into offensive attacks, desperately looking for some sort of strike he can land that will affect Shishio. When he does manage to connect, Shishio laughs with joy and amusement when Kenshin lands a few strikes at 1:28, because he’s delighted that his prey is still worth toying with.

From there on out, Kenshin just gets spanked. There’s a moment where Kenshin is being dragged by his legs after attempting one of his signature acrobatic moves, and Shishio literally spanks him like a child with his sword. He doesn’t want the fight to end yet, but this “childish fool” who sullied their fight with a “cheap trick” must be punished somehow before they return to the real fight.

Once Shishio is bored with him, he burns Kenshin on the back when he’s reeling from a previous attack and bites a chunk out of Kenshin’s shoulder as a sign of contempt. He just curbstomped a man everyone praised as his equal, much to his disappointment. At the end of the scene we’re reminded that his plans for “strengthening Japan” have as much to do with his genuine belief in Social Darwinism as it does with the delight he takes in toying with prey.

That’s one hell of a narrative to pack into under two and a half minutes. In sum, Rurouni Kenshin: The Legend Ends manages to a complete story of a Samurai losing a valiant battle against an Oni that could stand on its own in an anthology of Shinto lore with body language and the tone of the actors’ voice alone. This is good universal storytelling. This is a fight scene doing everything a fight scene is supposed to do.

[bonesandpoemsandflowers]

So a while ago, some dude on the internet saw me post some Punisher comics and offered to send me a few more to round out my collection. And I said yes, because I friggin love Frank Castle, and also I couldn’t find the trade paperback for Born anywhere for cheap. And said dude on the internet checked out to not be an obvious creeper and also I added his name and address and place of work to my favorite file, READ_THIS_IF_I_HAVE_BEEN_MURDERED_OR_KIDNAPPED.txt (/desktop). Also, like, at this stage of my life, you would have to clear so many security measures before making it to the final stage/level of my bedroom, vs. me, a baseball bat, a knife, and a shotgun. That’s after clearing the 70 pound over protective man eater demon baby dog in the living room. Like, I feel pretty decently sure that this is one of the physically safest times of my life ever.

(granted, given that my early childhood involved drug dealers vowing to kill my dad and his entire family: not too hard of a bar to reach.)

But of course, this dude finds out that it was just my birthday, so instead of an envelop with a few comics in it, I got a HUGE FUCKING BOX with so many comics in it that I could not hold them all at once in my arms and take a selfie to include in this post. And not just comics! Some of those sturdy handkerchiefs that are popular. A resin figurine. A batmobile. A coin he stamped himself. Etc. etc. 

I am clear with people who send me gifts: I love getting stuff, but I will not accept stuff with any obligations attached, and if that upsets you, too bad, because I’m keeping your shit. Or I’m selling your shit. Or giving it away. Once it’s a gift, it’s mine. Good bye.

Which is bitchy, but also, you cannot let people (mostly men, sorry not sorry, dudes in the audience who are like, but #NOTALLMEN, because of course not all men, I just told you I accept gifts) give you gifts and then leverage that over you, or else it never stops.

So anyway.

My point is:

This is the third big ass box of surprise stuff I’ve gotten from internet dudes in the past two months.

Not people I’m close to. Not people I spend effort and energy on. Just dudes who think I’m pretty great. Not even dudes who demand my attention after sending me things. Just dudes. Normal dudes.

And I look at this pile of stuff today, and I think about how much stuff it is, and how little I did for it (nothing, besides run a quick security check and give my address)

vs how very, very much I did, for 1.5 years, every day, extremely emotionally so much, so much investment and feverish hope and nearly 24/7 availability to field any potential crisis, even being constantly available while I was out of the country, literally except for the times there were island wide wi fi shortages

all of that

and not even a post card.

Many years ago, my protegee told me: “you are vulnerable to vulnerable people.” And she was right. I have so, so much sympathy for mental health issues, depression, addictions even (until recently), etc, etc. I will give people chances. I will give people my time, my effort, my energy, what help I think I can. I will make excuses for them and happily err on the side of being indulgent and assuming they are doing their best even if it doesn’t obviously look like it.

But it’s also possible for someone to be simultaneously struggling in general

and not actually trying specifically 

because they don’t give a fuck about you, even casually.

So for the first time, instead of looking at a pile of stuff and contemplating my lack of post card and then bursting out into hysterical or brooding tears, I laughed.

I laughed.

Because it’s fucking, fucking hilarious how obvious some things can be, once you actually look.

[jayne-hecate-writer]

More Opera, not enough Death!

Thursday 25th October, 2018. La Traviata by Verdi.

Friday 26th October, 2018. La Cenerentola, Cinderella by Rossini.

Bristol Hippodrome

La Traviata

This is now my third or fourth opera, but who is counting? Because by now I am a seasoned opera goer! I know enough to make sure that I don't drink too much water before going in, thus avoiding the kidney punching dance for a wee during the first act! I know enough to make sure that I am dressed comfortably in thin layers of clothing that I can strip off as the auditorium heats up during the performance. I also know enough to make sure that I read the synopsis before hand, so that when the story unfolds on stage, I can sink into it, allowing the beauty to flow over me without effort and tonight's opera was yet another exercise in beauty of sound layered upon beauty of visuals.

The stage was minimally decorated with drapes and almost translucent windows and just enough furniture to give the hard working cast somewhere to sit or lean against as they performed. Prior to the first curtain raise, three gentlemen in brown jackets could be seen checking the stage, but the way they moved implied that they were more dancers than mere safety officers. When the curtain rose from the floor, it was a luxuriant black drape that seemed to rise up from within the depths of the earth itself and when the stage was revealed once again, it had changed in an instant! With every subsequent stage change, it was revealed to be yet another simple if exquisite set. It is hard not to admire the effort that goes into such elegant stage design.

When the cast are introduced, it is en-mass and the singing was explosive and instantly recognisable. The costumes were heart-rendingly beautiful and straight away were introduced to our main cast, as they sang, while they drank and made merry. The atmosphere was so welcoming on stage that it felt like we the audience were also a part of the party. But as the crowd wandered out of the main party room and into the next, carefully arranged just out of view at the back of the stage, we are able to see them chatting, kissing and playfully flirting through the windows. It was here that the main story arc is laid out, the love between Alfredo and Violetta, sang by Kang Wang and Lynda Richardson respectively. Their voices were a mixture of gentle melodies with sudden energetic supernovae of power and I sat on the front edge of my seat in rapture, this was a moment that will stay with me, as Alfredo declared his love for Violetta, a love that had lasted for a year or more. At first she is dismissive of his affections, she shuns him demurely becoming more forceful, but as he leaves, she ponders the feelings that she has, asking herself has she finally met the man who can win her heart, despite her illness? Oh yeah, she is ill, but more of that later.

Act two see the two lovers waking and once again, the movements on stage are barely visible, but each step taken is urgent and leads quickly to Alfredo discovering that his beloved is almost bankrupt. His shame at having living off of her rises in him and he departs for Paris to reclaim her money so that she can stop selling her worldly possessions. While he is gone, Alfredo's father performed by Roland Wood enters and tasks Violetta with leaving his son so that he can return to his family who miss him terribly. Reluctantly she does as she is asked despite the emotional pain that it causes her. But there is the dark cloud of her illness hanging over her and so she lets him go so that he can lead a long and happy life.

Alfredo is devastated when he discovers that Violetta has left him and when he turns up at a party thrown by their mutual friend and sees that Violetta is on the arm of Baron Douphol he gets drunk, wins several rounds of cards and then in disgust throws his winnings at Violetta, claiming that she has betrayed him. Alfredo's father witnesses his son's outburst and chides him for his poor manners and shocking conduct, which leads the Baron challenging Alfredo to a duel. The party is then crashed by several Gypsy dancers who offer fortune telling and lascivious fun to the revellers. One of the leading Gypsy dancers is revealed to be a drag queen, and despite the gentle clues from the dancer that this is the case, it still comes as a surprise. Quite frankly, the Gypsy dancers was one of my most favourite parts of the show, the dancing is frenetic, the costumes are utterly beautiful and quite frankly I would sell a kidney just to buy the cerise dress worn by one of them!

The final act sees Violetta living in poverty with her only companion being her long standing friend and servant Annina, performed exquisitely by Sian Meinir. It is very clear that Violetta is dying of Tuberculosis, her blood splattered night dress, her hacking and coughing into her chamber pot after which she is left wiping the blood from her mouth. I can honestly say that it was then that I was sat with tears in my eyes. At this point in her performance, Lynda Richardson was came across as fragile, incredibly vulnerable and utterly believable as she coughed up her last remaining breaths, despite the sheer power and devastating beauty of her voice. However, I found that my tears suddenly turned to evil black humour and I was appalled with myself for laughing albeit silently. While a heart broken Violetta dies on stage from the awful disease Tuberculosis, it became apparent that quite a few people in the audience around me had come along while suffering with coughs and colds. In a strange dark way, this added an extra if rather distracting layer to the show. However, I seemed alone in noticing this and was soon engaged back into the story and was once again on the verge of tears as Alfredo bursts in the decrepit room and discovers his lost love on her deathbed, where upon she dies in his arms.

This show is a tragedy, it starts with such promise of fun and it slowly and gently winds down into heart break, I would quite honestly be surprised if during this performance I was the only person in that auditorium who was so emotionally involved in the story that I shed actual tears. The Welsh National Opera are an experience that every music lover should have at least once, the power of their shows cannot be underestimated, from the more fun shows such as Die Fledermaus to the tragedies of La Traviata and I have sat rapt through every show. Now bare in mind that I am more well known for my love of extreme metal, in particularly the genre of Black Metal, with bands such as Marduk, Voices and Enslaved being my most recent concerts. In a strange kind of way, opera gives me a similar feeling, the music bites into my soul and takes hold. There is no mosh pit here and opera goers do not violently slam dance into each other, but the sensation of a live orchestra is the same, the power of it is the same and the experience is the same as seeing a Black Metal band at the height of their rage and power, utterly devastating beauty.

Cinderella

In complete contrast to La Traviata's darkness, the second show I was able to see, Rossini's La Cenerentola, more commonly known as Cinderella, is a sugar coated technicolour fairy tale. Where La Traviata is darkness and death and misery, Cinderella is laughter, joy and forgiveness. It is only when one sees the production that we realise that actually, Cinderella is an abused, neglected and despised first child of a remarried and then deceased Mother. Her step sisters and her step father have her pretty much imprisoned in the house, where she is used as a source of cheap labour, bordering on slavery, as such her life is really an unending cruelty of beatings and berating. We all know the story and we all know that it has a happy ending, although to my mind, a happier ending would have seen Cinderella laying waste to her family with the ferocity and vengeance of an executioner! However, this is a fairy tale and as such we have to be nice, so she forgives her family and tells them that her revenge against them for all of their cruelties is for her to love them and be happy. Am I alone in thinking that this is some form of PTSD or survivor guilt?

Now before we get ahead of ourselves, let's get the introductions over with. Angelina (Cinderella's real name), is preparing the house for the waking of her stepsisters and step father, she lights the fire and sweeps the floors and snuggles with the rats, while singing softly to herself a folk song about a King who marries a faithful and lovely girl, dragging her from her poverty. The sisters when the emerge from their beds in their underwear react badly to this and start hurling their shoes at her, until the rumpus wakes their father from his dreams. Annoyed and unshaven, Don Magnifico explains that the girls have woken him his happy dreams of wealth and power.

Following this, a beggar comes to the house seeking sustenance and Angelina gives him food and coffee, much to the disgust of her family. Seeing her in such poverty, the beggar reveals himself to be the tutor to the ruling Prince Ramiro who will shortly be looking for a wife. Angelina's kindness makes her the perfect choice! Now I am going to pause here for a moment because the treacle is being firmly sloshed about and yes, I know that this is a fairy story and there is not much time to tell it all and still make it coherent, but one has to ask, where is the young woman's autonomy? Why the subterfuge from the Royal household? Also, why is the misogynistic prick of a prince allowed to choose the prettiest girl from the local aristocracy? After all, we all know that the lifestyles of these people leads to bankruptcy and then a painful and miserable death from TB! Ahhh, I must put La Traviata out of my mind, this is a happy story with a happy ending. But a girl can dream...

When the prince arrives, he is disguised and is seen creeping, pervert like, around the house of Don Magnifico so that he can spy on the Don's daughters. He instantly falls in love with Angelina and she too falls for him, believing him to be a simple page to the Prince. It is all so bloody nice... With the arrival of the fake prince, the Prince's actual servant Dandini dressed up in finery and acting with the pomp and arrogance of the prince, we see the stepsisters and their father begin to worm their way towards power and wealth. Angelina is not nearly so coarse and it is her innocence which attracts the prince to her, because he clearly has his own despicable agenda! Oops, must not forget, this is a happy story, evil does not dwell in its telling!

So the girls are invited to the Prince's ball at which he will choose a wife or risk losing his inheritance. Don Magnifico informs Angelina that she is not going anywhere near it and it is revealed that whoever her Mother was, she left Angelina a significant fortune, which her step father has spent. So we can add financial abuse to the list of crimes that her family has committed against her! The Princes tutor tells Angelina that she will attend the ball and that her life will change from one of misery and hard labour to one of love and joy. Well as much joy as being the wife of a Prince in seventeenth century Italy can bring, with no proper medicine, unhealthy food and a complete lack of internet!

On the night of the ball, Angelina's family are doing their very best to win favour with who they think is the Prince, while showing themselves to be the vain and unkind monsters that they are. The Prince's valet can see right through their act and merely gives them enough rope to hang themselves with. Although Don Magnifico is seemingly able to almost drink the wine cellar dry without collapsing, meaning that we can add alcoholism to his character failings. Angelina arrives at the ball in a veil and almost no one recognises her. The real prince is awestruck and his valet attempts to seduce her, but she states that her heart is sworn to another, the prince's servant, who we all know is really the prince in disguise. When the subterfuge is revealed, she warns him that he has no idea who she is and that he may not want her when he finds out that she is effectively a servant and she gives him a bracelet, one of a matched pair so that he can track her down.

Sure enough he finds her, all is revealed and the stepsisters and their father are revealed to be insincere and vile. The Prince marries Angelina and she is taken away from her life of misery and married, to live happily ever after, after magnanimously forgiving her family for their abuse.

Where La Traviata was black metal, this is sickly sweet pop music. There is very little depth to the story, it is a crowd pleaser, a happy little fairy tale and sadly for me, I just did not engage with it to the same depth. I cannot in all honesty say that this was due to bad performances because each performer was wonderful. The stepsisters sang beautifully, their father although a cad was perfectly portrayed, the prince's servant was a delight and although to my mind the prince was a drip, he was played beautifully. Angelina was performed wonderfully by Tara Erraught, her voice a perfect mix of power and beauty and I am sure that in other productions I would have sat in rapture just to hear her sing. The costumes were fabulously fun, reminding me in style of those wonderful old films such as The Wizard of Oz or even Labyrinth.

But despite all of this, I just really struggled to engage with the show. I cannot in good conscience tell you that this was it was badly performed because it absolutely wasn't, but for me it was too light, too happy, too... er, fairy tale! The reason I listen to Black Metal is because I love the power of something so brutal, so visceral, so dark. In contrast, this show is a chocolate box filled to the brim with soft centred, two dimensional characters, some of whom are shown to be villains but without any actual evil to their substance. Yet it seems I need that evil, I crave the darkness and brutality in the substance. When I see a child being beaten and disowned by her family, I want to see the perpetrators leaving the stage in irons, on their way to the gallows, weeping their last tears in shame and fear. I want the desolation and the horror. This I think says more about me than it does the show because I am clearly a very bad person and I know this to be true because even at La Traviata, I found myself laughing during the terribly sad death scene of Violetta!

Both of these operas are wonderfully performed by a cast that truly give it their absolute best, the live music played a professional orchestra is worth the ticket price alone and to be honest I am just being a spoilt brat by saying that I preferred one show over another because they are both wonderful. Thursday evenings performance was thoroughly enjoyable to hear and completely mesmerising to view. The surtitles on the screen above the stage for both shows were intermittent, but whether this is through design or accidental failure, I couldn't say. The story of each was easy enough to follow anyway even without the words above. It has never struck me as a problem that even though I do not speak Italian, the operas are performed in this language. Also La Traviata may be a little dark for the first time opera goer who wants the brighter and more vibrant if ultimately slightly more shallow experience of Cinderella. For me, this was as Goth and dark as any Black Metal gig, it had the heart break, it had the despair, the only real difference is that in this opera, religion is seen as a good thing and God is praised by the characters, rather than derided. With an open mind and a desire to feel the music, not just listen to it, operas such as these are both soul enhancing and in some instances heart breaking and I cannot recommend a visit to the Welsh National Opera enough. Do check them out through November in the Bristol hippodrome, because just like me, you will not regret it.

[njawaidofficial]

'Game of Thrones' Recap: Is Jaime Lannister Dead?

http://styleveryday.com/2017/08/07/game-of-thrones-recap-is-jaime-lannister-dead/

'Game of Thrones' Recap: Is Jaime Lannister Dead?

[Warning: this story contains spoilers for the fourth episode of Game of Thrones‘ seventh season, “The Spoils of War.”]

With the fourth hour of its seventh season, Game of Thrones delivered on yet another one of its longest held promises: dragons have returned to Westeros proper, with a vengeance — and it’s potentially very bad news for one character in particular.

The final act of the hour, called “The Spoils of War,” took a hard turn for “Battle of the Bastards” territory in the form of a massive battle between the Lannister and Targaryen forces. In one corner: Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), Bronn of the Blackwater (Jerome Flynn), the curiously named Dickon Tarly (Tom Hopper) and his cruel father Randyll (James Faulkner), and countless other soldiers. On the other side of the battlefield: Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) and Drogon, unleashing holy hellfire upon everyone they cross, with a huge Dothraki contingent as well. 

It’s the fulfillment of one of the show’s oldest oaths, stemming as early as the first episode of the series, when Viserys (Harry Lloyd) married Daenerys to Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa) in an effort to recruit his army and win back Westeros. Both Viserys and Drogo are long gone, but the desired results of the marriage pact have finally played out, and very much in House Targaryen’s favor.

Of course, as has happened frequently this season, the battle wasn’t without at least one win for the Lannisters. In the second episode of season seven, Maester Qyburn (Anton Lesser) unveiled a new secret weapon in the campaign against Dany’s dragons: a huge crossbow, packing heat so powerful it could theoretically kill one of the fire-breathing beasts. The theory was put into practice at the end of this week’s dragon battle, as Bronn pierced Drogon’s shoulder with a well-placed arrow. The ferocious creature, up until then thoroughly ravaging the Lannister forces, howled in pain and virtually crash landed on a somewhat safe corner of the battlefield. It wasn’t enough to kill Drogon, but that’s more a matter of Bronn’s aim than the effectiveness of the weapon. As much as one hates to admit it, the giant crossbow looks likely to take out at least one of Dany’s dragons before the whole show is over.

Harming the dragon wasn’t enough of a victory for the Lannisters, however, as the battle culminated in one very foolish decision: Jaime grabbing a spear and charging straight for the wounded Drogon and the subsequently weakened Daenerys. From a distance, Jaime’s brother Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) watched on, shocked at his older sibling’s foolhardy decision to charge directly at a dragon, no matter how much pain it was in. But Jaime saw an opening to kill Daenerys and end the war in his sister and lover’s favor, and he seized it. Tyrion’s concerns were instantly validated, as Drogon reared his head up in the last few seconds before Jaime could reach Daenerys, and spewed forth a mouthful of fire.

Jaime would certainly be toast, if not for Bronn, who rode in at the eleventh hour and pushed the Lannister army’s leader into the nearby river. Both men narrowly avoided certain death by dragon fire, but for Jaime at least, the danger isn’t over. The episode ends as Jaime, weighed down by his heavy armor, slowly and helplessly sinks toward the bottom of the river. Viewers are left to wonder if the sole surviving son of Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) — or at least the only one who counts, as Cersei (Lena Headey) would tell you — is about to meet his father in the great beyond.

Of course, viewers haven’t really seen the last of Jaime Lannister. There’s no way Game of Thrones removes one of its longest-standing characters from the board without one final scene with Tyrion, especially with the estranged brothers in such close proximity on the battlefield. What’s more, would Thrones really kill off Jaime in an episode in which he lacks a single scene with Cersei? (And flipping the question, it doesn’t seem likely that Thrones would kill Cersei without one final scene with Jaime. In fact, many fans believe the two twins will ultimately die together, or one at the other’s hands.)

With that said, this is quite likely a preview of how Jaime will die eventually: foolishly rushing into a dangerous situation with no regard for anything other than his sister’s satisfaction. It’s a testament to the sad state of Jaime Lannister, as Nikolaj Coster-Waldau previously told The Hollywood Reporter before the season began: “He’s addicted to this relationship.” That addiction will very likely get him killed eventually, just not today.

Looking at the events of “The Spoils of War” from another perspective, this battle appears to be a major victory for Daenerys and her forces. Drogon and the Dothraki utterly decimated a huge swath of the Lannister army, even if they sustained some losses of their own, including the failed attempt on Drogon’s life. But in her own way, Daenerys suffered a moral defeat. The battle only came as a result of Dany feeling the heat of constantly losing against the Lannisters, a development that caused her to publicly blame Tyrion for the defeats. Hotheaded and furious, Dany wanted to charge right into Westeros, but first attempted to consult on the matter with Jon Snow (Kit Harington). 

“I never thought dragons would exist again,” says Lord Snow (or is it King Snow?) when Dany asks for his counsel. “No one did. The people who follow you know you made something impossible happen. Maybe that helps them believe you can make other impossible things happen, to build a world that’s different from the shit one they’ve always known. But if you use them to melt castles and burn cities, you’re not different. You’re just more of the same.”

Consider Jon’s advice roundly ignored, as Dany is next seen charging into battle on Drogon. The horrific carnage and haunting images of war make it clear that Dany’s actions, while effective, had terrible consequences. Pair those brutal images with the scene from earlier in the season in which Arya (Maisie Williams) befriends some kind-hearted Lannister loyalists (including Ed Sheeran), and you’re left to wonder just how far the apple has fallen from the tree where Daenerys and the Mad King are concerned. If there’s a silver lining, it’s Dany’s legitimate look of terror and concern for Drogon toward the end of the battle, perhaps a sign that she understands the scope of her devastating actions.

Returning to the subject of Jon and Daenerys, the King in the North and the Mother of Dragons inched closer together during their scenes in “The Spoils of War.” The chemistry between them is palpable when they stand together in a torchlit cave on Dragonstone, staring at the valuable dragonglass, along with ancient illustrations of the Children of the Forest fighting alongside humans against the White Walkers. (In an alternate universe in which Thrones is a comedy, Jon Snow totally mocked up those carvings on the quick and cheap to get Dany on his side.) 

Later in the episode, Davos Seaworth (Liam Cunningham) explicitly calls out Jon’s attraction to the Mother of Dragons. Jon quickly denies it like a school kid who has been rightfully called out on his secret crush, claiming his quest to kill the Night King is the only thing that matters now. The scene is quickly followed by one in which Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel) sings Daenerys’ praises, with a sales pitch so effective that even Davos (whose friendly fondness for Missandei is quickly becoming one of the show’s quietest delights) jokes to Jon: “Would you forgive me if I switch sides?”

Clearly, Game of Thrones is building up toward some kind of romantic collision between Jon Snow and Daenerys. It’s not a shock, given the HBO series is based on a series of novels called A Song of Ice and Fire, a title that directly points toward some sort of union between Houses Stark and Targaryen. Then again, at the same time, the show is building up hype toward a reveal the audience already largely knows, even if the characters most directly involved are still in the dark: Jon Snow is secretly the son of Rhaegar Targaryen, Daenerys’ deceased brother who died at the height of Robert’s Rebellion. 

Is the show truly voyaging into territory where an aunt and her nephew are about to become the new “it” couple? There’s an awkwardly proud tradition of incest within the Targaryen family, so Jon and Dany coming together wouldn’t be out of line with their ancestors’ actions. Still, as the show positions these two as a potential romantic pair, it should come with some measure of squeamishness. 

Between Jon and Dany’s growing closeness and Tyrion’s proximity to Jaime on the battlefield, “The Spoils of War” was already rich with familial interactions. But the most explicit and satisfying family reunion occurred much further north, as Arya finally returned to Winterfell. After a scene that mirrors a moment from season one in which she tried to convince two King’s Landing guards of her identity, Arya finally infiltrates Winterfell and reunites with Sansa in the crypts of Winterfell. The two share a tender moment in which they reflect on how the statue of their late father Ned (Sean Bean) doesn’t look like him at all.

“Everybody who knew his face is dead,” Arya quietly mourns.

“We’re not,” Sansa reminds her younger sister.

The joyful reunion takes on a more somber tone as Sansa takes Arya to Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright), who remains emotionally detached due to his status as the Three-Eyed Raven. Indeed, the episode’s most non-violently devastating moment comes when Bran completely dismisses Meera (Ellie Kendrick) as she leaves Winterfell to return home to her family. In that scene, Bran tells Meera that he’s not even really Bran anymore: “I remember what it felt like to be Brandon Stark, but I remember so much else now.” The tearful Meera responds: “You died in that cave.” It’s yet another sign that the all-powerful Bran is becoming more tree than man by the day, and hopefully the start of Meera finally bringing her legendary father Howland Reed (one of the most widely anticipated, if never seen, characters from the books) into the story — though sadly, we’re not counting on it.

Speaking of trees, Bran finally meets up with Arya again beside the heart tree in the godswood of Winterfell. He proves his irrefutable power when he brings up Arya Stark’s list of enemies without her provocation. Bran offers another gift: the Valyrian dagger that was once used in an attempt on his life. Earlier in the episode, Littlefinger (Aidan Gillen) presents the weapon to Bran as a sign of his loyalty to House Stark. But the mischievous manipulator is taken aback when Bran replies not with gratitude, but eerie insight into Lord Baelish’s past words: “Chaos is a ladder.” 

It’s the first meeting between two people who purportedly see everything all at once, albeit literally in the case of the young Three-Eyed Raven. Even with his extensive planning, it’s not likely Littlefinger ever imagined having to contend with someone who can actually see everything all at once, thanks to his ability to access the truth through magic. Indeed, as Littlefinger watches Arya use the Valyrian dagger in a wonderfully choreographed sparring match against Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie), you get the sense that the Lord of the Vale has bitten off more than he can chew with Sansa’s siblings. Arya’s own suspicion of Littlefinger is noticeable as well, leading one to wonder if it’s just a matter of time before the Valyrian dagger finds its way back to Littlefinger, one bloody way or another.

Two final notes:

• Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) has returned to Dragonstone. The only reason he’s alive, according to Jon Snow, is that he saved Sansa from the Boltons. Otherwise, there’s no love lost between these two, who both grew up as black sheep within House Stark. Could that shared history, plus Theon redeeming himself further by saving Yara (Gemma Whelan) or serving the Starks in some other capacity, bring them closer together? In a happily ever after version of Game of Thrones, Theon and Jon would forge the same brotherly bond with one another they both had with the late Robb Stark (Richard Madden). Then again, Game of Thrones rarely if ever trades in happily ever after. Theon’s future remains one of the murkiest prospects on the board, then.

• In her scenes with Tycho Nestoris (Mark Gattis) of the Iron Bank, Cersei Lannister reveals her intention to hire an infamous group of sellswords known as the Golden Company. This should set off alarms for fans of the books: the Golden Company, founded long ago by a Targaryen bastard named Aegor “Bittersteel” Rivers, head to Westeros in George R.R. Martin’s “A Dance with Dragons,” serving a man who claims to be Aegon Targaryen, the murdered infant son of the late Rhaegar; according to his tale, the butchered baby was a double, while the real Aegon was raised in exile, as part of an eventual Targaryen resurgence. Almost nobody who reads the books actually believes this to be the real Aegon, and the show has shied away from the storyline altogether. Even if “FAegon” is unlikely to suddenly appear with only nine episodes remaining in the series, it’s starting to look likely that we’re going to see his vicious soldiers, the Golden Company, on the show, albeit working on Cersei’s behalf. It’s just the latest bit of bad news for anyone rooting against House Lannister.

Watch the video below for the Game of Thrones cast’s preview of season seven’s battles.

Follow THR.com/GameOfThrones all season long for news, interviews, theories and more.

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