#constantly asking myself 'why am i still alive' and it's for this

[thatdude-noah]

sometimes i realize im depression posting on here too much and i force myself to regain a love and hope for life. depression sucks because so many of the things that you don't want to do are the things that are actually beneficial to getting better. clean up your room. brush your teeth. take a shower. call your friends. go for a walk. it will not solve your problems, but it can help you feel better. i swear.

[thebirdandhersong]

we are all trying to reach home and belonging because we were made for something beyond this earth but why does it feel like some people have more access to that feeling right now

[littlexfr3ak]

being unlikable dont rlly bother me bc i dont like ppl but being unlovable romantically???? oh yeah thats enough to make me wanna kms ngl

[subbmissivesuccubus]

Rut

Summary: The Hero is in heat thanks to his quirk and you, being a good wife, decide to help him through it. Unfortunately for you, you severely underestimated just how difficult ‘helping’ him would be.

A/N: Another Patreon request! I don't watch MHA but I always loved Hawks design so this was fun to write!

Disclaimer : Hawks X Fem reader. Overstimulation. Marathon sex. Rut.

“Baby- baby wait- fuck- don’t come closer!”

You froze, your hand stilled on the doorknob, about to open said door before you heard your husband call out to you from behind it.

“Keigo, what’s wrong?” you asked, listening to his wishes for the moment, “Did something happen? Are you hurt?!”

You felt your heartbeat fasten a bit, your mind conjuring up a multitude of scenarios. Being a Hero was no joke and you couldn’t count the many nights where you sat glued to the TV, heart pounding as you wondered if your husband was coming home that night alive.

“I- I’m fine baby. I’m not hurt.” He called out, making you sigh with relief, “but really- I can’t explain it but- I- I need to be alone.”

“Keigo, I love you and I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable.” You said, “but I am not leaving until I see you and make sure you’re ok for myself. I’m opening the door!”

“No- wai-“

But before he could get the word out, you pulled the handle and pushed the door open, eyes widening as you walked into…uh…

A huge mess of a room. The sheets were all pulled out and thrown around, the pillows were ripped up with feathers all over the bed. Your closet doors were thrown open and your clothes were all taken out, including your undergarments. On the bed, in the middle of all of the mess, was your husband, seemingly buried under a giant pile of your clothes. His usually styled hair was all over the place, adding onto the crazed look in his eyes and the flushed face. He was sweating profusely, hair matted onto his forehead, his eyebrows furrowed with an expression on his face that looked like he was in pain. His wings were wrapped around himself, feather shivering underneath the clothes.

“Fuck…” he cursed as he saw you, tossing his head back against the pillow made of your clothes.

“…What’s going on?” you asked, truly confused. You husband groaned loudly from under his cocoon, burying his head farther down the pile until you couldn’t even see him anymore, just his wings.

“…I’m in a rut.” He finally said, his voice muffled.

“What was that?”

“A. Rut.” He repeated louder.

“You mean…like…” you said, having heard the phrase before, “Like mating season?”

Hawks growled even louder, “Yes- fuck- my body is on overdrive and my dick is constantly hard. It sucks! I tried to calm myself down by jerking off and nesting with your clothes but- fuck me- it isn’t working.”

“So that’s what this is…” you said, at least getting an answer about the mess, “I’ve never seen you like this before. Is this the first time it’s happening?”

“…No. It happens every year.”

“What?! How have I never noticed it?”

“Because…I send you away. I buy you vacations to g-get you out of the house. S-Speaking of which- why are you back so early?! Your trip should have ended n-next week!”

“My dad fell sick so we had to cut things short.” You explained, wondering why you never questioned Keigo’s generosity in sending you on trips during the same time every year, “I can’t believe you kept this from me!”

“I’m sorry baby but-“ he hissed as his body shivered for no reason, “The rut can be…a lot to handle. My body just wants to fuck and fuck and fuck until my bones give out! It’s not pretty…”

“Then why do you not want me here?” you asked, still keeping your distance as you didn’t want to overwhelm your man, “I could help!”

That finally got him to push his head out of his wings enough for him to give you a look that said ‘you can’t be serious’. “Baby- you pass out after three rounds. There’s no way you can handle me when I’m like this.”

You gasped, an offended hand on your chest, “That’s not true- I mean- yes maybe- but my husband is in pain! What kind of wife would I be if I didn’t even try?”

Before he could even say anything, you grabbed your coat and shrugged it off of you, making him gasp as the fabric fell to the ground. You were just about to pull your dress off when Keigo broke out of his cocoon and surged forward so fast you could barely process it. He gripped you by the collar and pulled you towards him, the man still kneeling on the bed but even so, his face was in line with yours.

“You really- really don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.” He growled, looking more animalistic than you’ve ever seen him. You gulped as you felt his hot breath fan your face, the look in his eyes making you shiver. You sex life was perfectly fine and quite satisfying but even through your years long relationship, you’d never seen him have this look- this ferocity- this…desperation in his eyes.

You felt your pussy quiver already, Keigo hissing as he saw your pupils dilate.

“I’m serious!” he said, grunting as he could smell the heat off of you, trying his best to not jump you and rip your clothes off, “This won’t be normal. I’ll go round after round- constantly fucking you and cumming inside you- You can beg me to stop but once I start- there’s no stopping.”

You gulped, hands going back to your dress to start unravelling it.

“Baby- take this seriously!” Keigo snapped, frustrated, “I know you think it’s all fun and games but- but-“

His thought trailed off as you managed to push your dress off of your shoulders, the fabric falling in a heap on the floor, leaving you clad in your underwear.

“…Fuck it.”

You squealed as your husband grabbed you by the hips, picking you up enough to turn around and throw you onto the bed, making you crash into your pile of clothing. You licked your lips as he all but pounced on you, the man making work of his pants as he pressed his lips against your, stealing your breath away.

This was going to be a long night~

~~~~~

Slurp “Ah baby-“ Mwah schuck shuck “Just like that- fuck me- keep pumping that cock- mmmph~”

You gasped as Keigo latched onto your nipple mercilessly, suckling on you like a baby as he lied down on the bed, torso supported on your lap, wings and all. Your left hand pumped his hard member as he suckled on you, pre-cum dripping down it like a faucet, making his dick so slick- it was like you had lathered it with lube.

His cock was hot and needy, the tip so red you wondered if it hurt. He was panting against you like a dog in heat- but it was rather a bird in heat. Your nipple was slick with saliva, drool dripping down the curve of your tit. He was sucking on your sensitive bud so hard it took your breath away, you bare pussy gushing at his moans.

Both of you were stark naked, clothes tossed all over the place and in definite need of a wash once this was over. Your spine shivered as Keigo moaned against your nipple, biting down on it gently when your hand paid special attention to the tip of his cock.

“Babe- fuck- gonna cum!”

“Wh- already?” you asked, surprised. It wasn’t even five minutes since you got your hands on him. He groaned in frustration against you, giving your nipple another bite before he simply snuggled his face between your tits, sighing happily as he felt the weight of them against him.

“I’ll cum fast but- mmph- I’ll cum a lot- oh fuck- yes- yes- cumming- cumming!”

With a shout, Hawks arched his back as he climaxed, making you gasp as ropes and ropes of cum shot out of his tip. Your eyes widened at the amount, a seemingly never-ending stream of white ejaculated out of his cock and onto your hands, coating your fingers. Some of his cum spurt out with such force it stained his chest and a bit of his chin. He moaned loudly- shamelessly as he shivered from the pleasure, his balls throbbing from each pump of his cum.

Eventually, he relaxed a bit, taking in deep breaths as he snuggled his face harder against your breasts, a happy grin on his face. You blinked as you pulled you hand away from his cock, gulping at the sheer amount of cum on your fingers. Your whole hand was covered, webs of cum created as your spread your fingers apart. It looked like twice- maybe even thrice the amount of semen your husband would usually let out when he came.

“…The tissues are in the bedside drawer.” Keigo said, smirking at your shocked expression and getting off of you long enough for you to get the box of tissues and wipe your hand clean.

“Let’s go again.” He demanded, his hand groping at his still hard cock, looking at you like you were her prey, “I want to taste that pussy.”

~~~~~

“Ah- Ah- fuck- honey- right there!”

Hawks moaned against you, shaking his head from left to right, tongue dragging across every inch of your sopping cunt, “Here? Yeah?”

He gulped down your juices like he was a man dying of thirst, his hand in between his legs as he jerked off. Suckling on your nipples and getting a handjob was amazing- but he could never deny himself the pleasure of lapping at your cunt while he touched himself. It was one of his favourite hobbies.

“God- I love this pussy- love this pussssy so much~” he groaned, eyes rolling to the back of his head as he sealed his slick lips around your clit and gave it a toe-curling suck, your cries tuned out over the sound of him slobbering all over you. It was messy and sloppy but oh so good! You arched your back, your hands tangled in his hair and you wondered if you wanted to push him away or pull him in even more. The sloppy sound of him sucking you up and drinking your juices made your face turn so red, it reached your ears, the noises and moans leaving your mans mouth making your heart rate increase.

Was he in heat or was it you?

Keigo stuck his tongue out lewdly and started flicking at your clit, pumping his cock in time with every movement, your little bud at his mercy. His feathers shook with the force of his hand, the man moaning against your clit and making your ears ring from the sensation. He once again opened his mouth wide before he took your whole pussy in his mouth, making out with her like he does with you.

“Keigoooo- oh God- s-slow down!” you whined, trembling underneath his merciless actions. He shook his head no against you, once again dragging his tongue all over you. He sucked your pussy lips into his mouth for a second before he said:

“No stopping. No slowing down. Now- cum in my mouth.”

~~~~~

“Fuuuck!” Keigo gasped as he couldn’t control his hips as he started pumping into your mouth, “Take it- take it- take my fucking cock!”

You gagged around your husband’s member, his dick pumping in and out of your throat, fucking it like it was your cunt. Having you lying on your back with your head leaning over the edge, you felt his balls clap against your forehead as Keigo fucked into your face, blood rushing to your head. The position gave you no choice but to take it- saliva and spittle leaving your mouth and dripping upwards. Your pussy quivered from the ghost of your orgasm, the sensation of his tongue on your slit still lingering and the warmth of the semen he splashed over your cunt making you tingle. You were stained with copious amounts of his seed, his second orgasm just as explosive as the first one and your whole pussy was covered in white.

It was only a matter of time before it was pumped inside.

Gawk Gawk gawk- hah- slurp- slurp- gawk

“Fuck baby- I can see my cock- fuuuck- imprint on your throat! It’s so hot!”

You could only imagine the view. Your tits bouncing up and down with the force of his thrusting- your neck stretched to accommodate the position which made it more evident when the bulge of his member showed up. He hissed as his hands went to your chest, squeezing your jugs and using them as leverage to pump faster against you.

“Y-You ok baby?” he asked, mind dizzy from the pleasure, surprised that he was still able to string sentenced together, “You can take it- ah- right?”

You gurgled around his cock, the vibrations making his knees buckle as he picked up the pace. Drool coated his balls, his sack slapping against your face harder as he mercilessly pumped into you, chasing his pleasure. You squealed as he suddenly pushed himself as deep as he could go and stayed there, your nose pressing against his nuts as his hands left your tits to instead reach for your legs. Your back arched off the bed, eyes watering as his cock was pushed impossibly deep, your fingers gripping the sheets below you tightly as he spread your knees apart, baring him your cum stained pussy. You squealed, eyes rolling to the back of your head as his hand slipped between your legs, fingers gliding between your pussy lips as he sought out your dripping hole.

“Ah- fuck baby- let me- mmmph- stretch this cunt out for my cock~”

~~~~~

Plap plap plap plap plap

  Your fingers dug into the skin of Keigos back- well- as much as you could considering the wings sprouting from his back. Said wings were slightly flapping, almost helping him thrust into your cunt with as much force as possible. Legs wrapped around his waist, your moans were swallowed by his tongue down your throat, your husbands’ eyes open and drinking in your fucked out expression even as he pounded you.

His balls clapped against your ass as his fat, throbbing cock pumped in and out of you, the drag of his veiny member against the ribbed texture of your cunt making both of you groan from the pleasure. You gasped as you broke the kiss, turning you head away so you could get a second to catch your breath. You felt him licking your skin to occupy his mouth, grateful that he was giving you a moment to collect yourself even as his tongue dragged over your cheek and upto your ear. You shivered as he ran his tongue along your ear before sticking it inside, the sensation making your whole body shudder.

After swallowing his cum (to the best of your abilities) and cumming around his fingers, Keigo didn’t give you even a second before he changed positions, spreading your legs so he could slide his cock inside your poor, sensitive pussy. His hips moved like a machine, rutting into you like it was the last thing he’d do. You gasped as the curve of his cock constantly hit your special spot each time he thrust in, your eyes rolling to the back of your head at the sensation.

…maybe you did bite off more than you could chew.

~~~~~

“Haa-aa-aawks!” you called out, voice jumping from the force of his thrusting. He simply grunted in response; his cock somehow still rock hard as he took you from behind. The cum he had dumped into your pussy was leaking out and staining the sheets, but he didn’t really care. He was going to pump another load into you afterall.

“B-Break- fuck- I need a b-break!” you pleaded, ass clapping back against his hips, his mouth watering at the ripple of your plush skin.

“No way.” He growled, raising a hand and smacking your ass cheek, loving your squeal as he left a handprint behind, “I warned you. We’re not fucking stopping!”

Your hands couldn’t hold you up anymore, elbows giving in as your torso fell to the mattress, leaving you face down, ass up. You panted against the pillow as the position somehow drove his cock deeper inside you, his cum staining your thighs and his balls. His cock was practically covered in white, Keigo churning up the semen inside of you and it was so filthy, it made your head spin.

“Fuck- gonna cum baby!” he cried out as he felt his balls tighten, the familiar sensation of an oncoming orgasm making his body tingle, “Pump this pussy with my seed- let’s get you pregnant, ok?”

You simply moaned against the pillow; your noises muffled by the fabric as tears left your eyes. Your eyes widened and you shrieked as Keigo leaned over you and slid his hand down to your cunt, his fingers easily finding your clit.

“Ah- ah- Kei- fuck!” you panted against the pillow, your body going into overdrive as he started swiping at your sensitive, swollen bud, “too much- too- ah- fuck!”

The two of you climaxed simultaneously, the familiar sensation of your husband pumping copious amounts of cum inside you pushed you to your orgasm, your pussy squirting and spraying liquid all over the mattress.

You collapsed flat on the bed, eyes rolled to the back of your head as your pussy throbbed, Keigos’ cum seeping out of you like a flood. You didn’t need to look back to know he was still hard and ready to go again.

“…Spread your legs. I need to eat out your asshole.”

“Wh- Keigo- eep!”

You squealed as the man gripped onto your ass cheeks before spreading them apart, exposing your puckered rim to him before he surged forward, planting his face right between your cheeks. You babbled at he started greedily lapping at your hole, shamelessly moaning as he tasted you. You shrieked, body once again getting overstimulated as his ran his tongue over your rim. The two of you dabbled in a bit of anal over the years but never in such a…desperate manner.

He smacked your ass before he shook his head between your cheeks, motorboating you butt as he played with you like a toy, his cock hard and leaking between his legs.

You tried to remember where you kept the lube.

~~~~~

The sun was up.

Fuck.

The sun was rising.

And you two were still having sex.

Well, Hawks was. You passed out during the middle of things and you had given him permission to use you even after you blacked out. Your body really couldn’t take any more orgasms and it shut down at some point.

You awoke with a start, several sensations hitting you all at once, making your head spin. You were lying on top of Keigo, your head nestled against his neck as he pumped his hips up and into you. You gasped as you felt the burn of his cock in your ass, his thick member stretching out your barely used hole. The glide was significantly easier than the first time he fucked your ass tonight thanks to all the cum lubing you up.

“L-Last one baby!” Keigo panted, somehow looking stunning even through the many hours of sex and orgasms, “Ready? Yeah? Want my cum?”

“H-Hurry up…” you groaned, your body still weak and tingly from when you passed out. You had lost count of the number of times you came as well as the number of times Keigo came. You stopped counting after six. Your body was fucked within an inch of its life and you had no more energy and so, you simply lied on top of him like a ragdoll, panting against his neck as he embraced you tightly. His hips bucked up into you, his thighs flexing deliciously as he chased his pleasure.

“Cumming- fuck- cumming!!”

With a final shout, his head tossing back and eyes rolling to the back of his head, Hawks came one more time. You mewled as his seed filled you up but you noted that it was significantly less that what you had endured all night. You felt his chest deflate, like a load was taken off of his shoulders (and his balls), the man finally relaxing.

“Fuuuck…” he said, gently pulling his cock out of you and thankfully, he was now soft, “That was…insane…”.

You nodded against him, grimacing as you finally got a second to note the condition of your body, i.e. covered in sweat and cum and stuffed full of semen that was continuously leaking out of you.

“Y-You ok baby?” Keigo asked and you couldn’t help but smile. He was clearly trying to fight sleep, his rut having left him and rendering him exhausted yet satisfied, no longer tormented by the heat.

“I’ll be ok.” You said, kissing his neck, “…But no sex for a month. I think I almost died.”

You felt his chuckle rumble in his chest, “I warned you, baby bird.”

“Mmmm. You did.”

“Speaking of baby, you’re probably knocked up, right?”

“…Probably.”

“…Nice.”

[amillionkilopascals]

i wish catholics understood that queer people are not welcomed in the church.

the most progressive pope in history still lambasts gender theory and gender-affirming surgery.

yes, there was some semblance of community in that space. but not for me, never for me. i was never whole, in church. the person i was in that space was always an empty shell, because i was forced to cut out my heart and insides and leave them at the door to come in.

now that i have freed myself, i am outside and whole and more joyful than i ever was in that space. can you begin to see how inviting me to subject myself to that again is not love?

i understand that you want the best for your queer ex-catholic friends. but listen to us and our experiences when we tell you about the selves we had to kill just to be accepted, and how we were only able to begin to accept and heal ourselves after leaving. i was told constantly that this desire, this part of myself, my very heart, was sinful, that it had to be culled. can you begin to see why this led me to believe i was better dead than alive?

please understand this, before you ask. that is all i request.

[drdemonprince]

Hi! I remember you talking about doing shadow work (in a reply to an ask, I think); do you have any advice on how to start? Especially for someone who who has a really hard time with consistency/habits? Thanks!

For me it is not an intentional practice separate from my regular life, it is an orientation toward my own most negative thoughts/impulses/reactions. I do not believe that any thought is harmful or morally wrong to have, and so when I experience a thought that is violent, cruel, bitter, pathetic, prejudicial, short-tempered, jealous, whatever else, I accept it, and study it with curiosity rather than self-condemnation.

I notice patterns over time in what I am particularly un-evolved and unenlightened about. What hang ups do I have? What weird bullshit respectability politics or traditional gender norms do I still apply to myself or to others? Who do I fuckin hate and why?

Which of these things can I just kind of shrug at and accept as a feature of my programming and which ones do I see seriously holding back my life? That's probably the hardest part of shadow work for me. I'm very aware of a lot of my flaws and the things i'm irrationally emotionally reactive to and defensive about, but I get attached to my way of seeing things. It can be scary to become more open-minded and uncertain and less spiky. And some things just aren't easy to change even if I want them to. Part of shadow work means allowing oneself to be in an unfinished state.

Another part of it for me is accepting with a dark kind of gratitude that the world would be a pretty terrible place if everyone was like me. There is so much about humanity that I do not understand. I could never be a surgeon. I could never be a good parent. I could never be a social worker. There is so much I am so bad at. Maybe this is the Narcissism and Lack of Empathy talking, but I've had to really humble myself. I used to think I was so much more rational and less of a waster of time and resources than most people around me. Now I realize I have run on self-denial and repressed emotionality for a very long time and demanded that life have some Purpose when it doesn't. So a lot of my shadow work has been acknowledging my ultimate smallness and feebleness and just general uselessness -- i have a lot to be grateful to other people for doing, but also life has no purpose that needs to be fulfilled so i can just exist and suck for every single second that i'm alive if that's what i'm gonna do.

radical acceptance shit is definitely mixed in there, and some DBT kinda strategies. I've finally arrived at a place where I can love my dissatisfaction as a core part of me and accept that life is not meant to be happy and comfortable. we always keep moving, changing our environments to make them a little better, chasing after new passions and then getting disillusioned with them, falling in and out of love, getting lost. we're always lost. we're always making mistakes and being dumb as humans. that's like what we are. silly little freaks that make up lots of pretend games for fun but then get swept up in believing them too much. i kind of feel at peace now with the fact that i'll always be messy and impulsive and have weird beliefs and will change constantly and look back on my past with a cringe reaction every four or five years. i dont expect myself to ever arrive, because what the hell would that look like?? being satisfied and happy sure sounds a lot like being dead.

[youremyheaven]

How does sensuality work? I never understood (probably because I am way too stuck in the head). Sometimes I aspire to be honestly, though it doesn't come naturally unfortunately.

OMGGG I love this question 🤪✨😍

I consider myself very sensual 🥰🤪😜 and I realllyyy enjoy being in that energy 😌🫣🙈

First of all, lets begin by understanding what sensuality is and what it is not.

There is a world of difference between sexuality and sensuality. they're like night and day.

and you can be one without being another. because of the culture we live in, most people are sexual without being sensuous.

Sensual is understood as involving the five senses but also being sexually suggestive.

Sexual means relating to sex

Sensuality is more about enjoying yourself and life than it is about sexually pleasing or being sexually inviting. Sensual people seem more alive and vibrant because they truly enjoy the simple things and fine things, so they dont sweat the small stuff and usually maintain a calm and relaxed demeanour.

Sexual energy is more frantic, more wild, more aggressive. its very in your face and hard to miss. its someone asking you to give it to them, basically.

Sensuality is self-contentment and enjoying pleasure in all its many forms. be it food, music, dance, art, walking, looking at the sunset. A sensual person just enjoys absolutely everything. When you're in the presence of that energy, you feel similarly relaxed and open. They come across as warm, open and welcoming, its comfortable being around them. Someone who is fully alive will always naturally be perceived as "sexy" because they signal that they're open to enjoyment and pleasure.

All of these are subconscious impressions we form of people in nanoseconds, and whether we know it or not, we all pick up on energy and treat people accordingly. Why do we feel like being nicer to some people and standoffish with others??? its all down to the vibe. you can be a "good" person and still feel like you cant be good to some people who havent even done anything to you. its all just vibes.

I suggest reading Uses of the Erotic by Audre Lorde to understand this more. It's an essay and it's only a few pages long and she describes being erotic as a feeling of being alive.

pleasure activism by adrienne maree brown is another book i recommend on this topic.

now onto HOW to be sensual

Sensuality means being fully alive, open and vibrant. So in order to be sensual, you have to embody that.

You correctly said that you're too in your head and feel disconnected to sensuality because in order to be sensual, we have to get out of our head and into our bodies.

Sensuality necessitates forming a deep profound connection with our bodies.

This is why dancing is so sensual. just moving your body can feel so vulnerable but there is nothing as sexy or confident as someone who knows how to move???

there are many dance centered trauma release + "feminine flow" type activities. i know many of you get the ick from hearing things like "feminine flow" and i dont blame you lmao but being feminine, strictly energetically speaking means being relaxed, soft and flowing. thats Yin energy in Daoism.

dating in our era sucks because even men want princess treatment and it shows that Yin energy is def something that can be channelled by people regardless of gender lmfao xD

now many people have adopted a very harsh, aggressive "go-getting" approach to succeeding our toxic capitalist patriarchal world and whilst that might help us make some progress, we're constantly at the risk of burnout. so its in our best interest and for our long term well being to learn how to be chilled out and not sweat the small stuff.

think of Yin energy as the energy of being chilled out.

we can win and gain things by fighting for it but isnt it better to gain the same things in a softer gentler way??? you can work 200 hours a week, suck up to your boss and do all the extra work and someone else who does none of that will get 5 promotions while u get nothing. basically, life is not "fair", i.e, our efforts aren't necessarily going to be compensated for adequately and if you can get better results by doing less and chilling more, then whats the harm????

people who go far in life are often just people who are pleasant and fun to have around. look at any self-made individual and they'll have boat loads of charisma. whereas nepo babies wont even know how to hold a conversation bc they never had to lmao

anyways sorry for getting sidetracked (me everytime i talk lmao)

Do more body-centric activities to feel more connected to your body

this can be dancing, yoga, pilates or any exercise, or other hobbies like pottery, sewing, painting, basically anything you can do with the involvement of your body??? do that

they help you get out of your head and be in the here and now

being more present is like 50% of sensuality

and once you do things you care about more, you'll naturally shift to a place where you cut out things you dont enjoy and people you dont want to be around. youll enjoy life more. its all connected.

When you see someone with that raw earthy sexiness, don't they just seem so wild and free??

It's that. Someone who has that glow ✨

i hope this helped and provided some insights <333 i hope you get glowingggg <333

[v-anrouge]

This is a queued post and it includes talks about transphobia and mentions of self harm and eating disorders

Im here to talk and announce a break, first thing's first j relapsed, in literally like everything sh ed and didn't try to kill myself is because of a few people and the fact my pills ended. For a very long time in this blog u have not been feeling like human, it's like most of you don't even actually like and just come talk to me when im being funny and fun or when i post something rook related that you like, ive really been trying to get rid of that feeling but it keeps on coming back and it's unbearable to be in this blog at this point. this situation with Shiba only really confirmed it for me, I saw about like 4 mutuals referring to this as drama, and complaining about seeing it on dash and while obviously you have all the rights to be displeased with a constant show of negativity in your dash, i beg of you to try and think how i, a trans man, must feel seeing you refer to me and other mutuals calling out transphobia and have to read you refer to this as drama and not as a literal crime. I understand if you got annoyed by me talking about it constantly and to that i ask that you please block me, because i have been literally beaten, bullied, harassed and even doxxed by transphobes, I do not take anything that displays even a bit of prejudice against my trans siblings lightly, hence why i was so "histerical and obsessed" and was being so "stupid and acting like an idiot" as someone people would claim. I do not care what view you have of me i really don't, im used to this shit, ive been trans and alive in the most transphobic country for 20 years, it's no news, but it still hurts. And it hurts even more when I see someone say i was an idiot for blocking someone immediately and calling them out when they side with a transphobe, and it hurts even more when I see a person i thought liked me complain about "drama still going on" rest assured that i won't be "bitching" about it any longer

For soru, who cant possibly process why i have blocked you, your take on that situation and your friend have both brought me terrible flashbacks of my own past as a child dealing with transphobia, of being told people like me are sick and are the seeds of the devil and that we are animals or that there's something wrong with us, like your friend said, their apology is both not genuine and extremely poorly made as they still can't accept the fact that yes, they are transphobic, and you soru, can't imagine how it broke my soul to see your post saying you had given them a chance, but seeing the post you made after, in which you literally agree with your mother you should've stayed away from trans people, that's what broke me the most, and j couldn't even speak about it, because it's "too negative" or im "drama chasing" im sick of this, you can hate and insult me all you want soru rest assured you're not the only one you're not the first nor the last one, maybe this will come off as a surprise to the people that are sure im obsessed with drama and chasing people around but i genuinely did have a lot of respect for you, if the hours ive spent crying over this say anything at all, it's sad that this had to end this way, but not for me, I don't care, this isn't the first or the last time this happens to me, but to my mutuals who i am very sure many are angry that i have made this situation happen, perhaps i should've stayed quiet and keep being funny as people like me best, well it is too late, but i hope that you'll forgive me mutuals, for once again ruining something good.

I don't know how long this break will last or if ill ever even return to this account at all, but i sincerely thank the ones that did treat me like a human, as an equal, that actually saw the person behind v-anrouge. you can't possibly believe how much you mean to me

That's about it, do have a great day

[queen-dahlia]

𝐆𝐢𝐥𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐭 𝐯𝐨𝐧 𝐎𝐛𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐧

𝗠𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗥𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗲 𝗥𝗼𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗰 𝗘𝗽𝗶𝗹𝗼𝗴𝘂𝗲 + 𝗟𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿

🔞🔞🔞

Note: Translation is not 100% accurate. Expect grammatical errors.

// : alternate translation | ⫘⫘ : flashback

It has been a while since I started living in Obsidian, but there is still a lot I don't know about Gilbert.

For example—

Gilbert: "… And then, what did you just say?"

Obsidian nobleman: "I'm... sorry... sir."

Gilbert: "Forget the apology, just say it again… okay?"

(... I didn't know...)

A bullet pierces the wall of the castle.

It passed by a nobleman who had been summoned by Gilbert to make a report,

It was emitted from the pitch-black cane that he usually carried around.

(I knew it wasn't a normal cane because it was strangely heavy, but I didn't realize it was a gun.)

The end of the cane was a cap, and when the cap was removed, the barrel of the gun was revealed.

The handle has been replaced by a trigger, and you can put your finger on it.

Gilbert: "You've got to tell me something soon, I'm not that patient myself."

Obsidian nobleman: "… We have been… illegally exploiting… the collection of… taxes."

Gilbert: "I agree. That's what the report says."

Gilbert: "It looks like you were collecting three times the normal tax and putting a lot of money in your pocket."

Gilbert: "Did you think I couldn't see you just because you're in a rural area? Ahaha, you're so naïve."

Gilbert: "The spies I raised are scattered everywhere. We are constantly doing spot checks."

Gilbert: "You let your guard down, didn't you?"

Obsidian nobleman: "I'm sorry... I'm sorry."

(Obsidian is a land of deceit and corruption... The center seems to be mitigating that, but not the provinces.)

Not all of the vast Obsidian territory is healthy, according to Gilbert,

The further away from the center, the deeper the corruption remains.

(… Gilbert had arranged for weapons to reach all exploited people in anticipation of his death.)

(But now that the Emperor is alive, there is no need for that yet.)

(… This is how Gilbert had to become a "Trampling Beast".)

Gilbert: "That's just it, little rabbit. What's the one thing I hate the most?"

Suddenly, I am asked to speak, and I straighten my back.

Emma: "… Lies."   //   "… A liar."

Gilbert: "Yes, I hate liars. I'll tell you how much I hate it—"

Gilbert changed his bloodlust into a smile, putting strength at his fingertips…

Emma: "Please wait!"

Without hesitation, I grabbed his hand tightly.

Gilbert: "What's wrong?"

Emma: "… The Earl seems to be very sorry for what he did."

Emma: "Isn't it an act of excessive authority to even take a life?"

Gilbert: "You're so naïve. This kind of person who can only think of himself will do the same thing over and over again."

Emma: "Then why not punish him in a way that he won't repeat it?"

Emma: "It's too short-sighted to take life for anything."

Gilbert: "Hmmm...?"

Gilbert's red eye does not smile, and I gasp.

The Emperor has no mercy on me, even though I am his lover.

(I feel like I'm being tested every time.)

Gilbert: "Then will you take responsibility for his rectification?"

Emma: "Rectification…?"

Gilbert: "I'll throw him in jail for a while, and if you reform him during that time, I'll consider letting him live."

Emma: "Please do so!"

(… Maybe he was planning to do this all along.)

Otherwise, he would not have dared to have me, who hates killing people, in his presence.

Lately, Gilbert has been trying to trust me to do things my way.

It may be a convenient interpretation, though,

As a matter of fact, I was glad to see that people were listening to me more than before.

Gilbert: "… I don't like it."

For some reason, however, his neat face is distorted into a grim expression.

Emma: "Gilbert, you suggested..."

Gilbert: "Yes, but I can't believe you would willingly take the opportunity to talk to a man other than me."

Emma: "… I can't talk to anyone when you say that."

Gilbert: "That's a good idea."   //   "That would be nice."

(Not good, not good...)

Emma: "Gilbert, you are different from the rest of them."

Gilbert: "I can say as many words as I want."

(... It's getting troublesome again.)

Gilbert approaches me while ignoring the frightened and trembling nobleman.

He was no longer interested in the Earl, and his target was narrowed down to me.

He lifts his chin and gives me a big smile.

Now that we have been together longer, I know what he wants from me.

(... I don't have a choice. People's lives are at stake.)

I close my eyes in the shame of being in front of others and kiss his cold lips.

Emma: "… I only do this to you, Gilbert."

Gilbert: "Hehe… Well done."

(Ah... the bloodlust has disappeared.)

Gilbert, smiling with satisfaction, kisses me back as well.

He then put his gun away in his cane in front of the nobleman who had been left behind.

Gilbert: "Good for you. She saved your life."

Obsidian nobleman: "… Thank you very much. Thank you."

Gilbert: "Yeah, yeah. Don't ever forget that gratitude, okay? Your life is in the palm of her hand."

(Sometimes… I wonder if Gilbert is threatening me to win over my allies.)

(… You may not like me, but you don't let me be…)

The kind of malice had changed from when I was at Rhodolite, and that was somewhat sad.

Gilbert: "Take him away."

Roderich: "… Yes sir."

Roderich, who had been waiting by the wall, drags the staggering man, gasping for breath, out of the room.

The tension that had dominated the room finally dissipated into a mist.

Emma: "… You can't be that mean."

Gilbert: "It's love, love."

(I feel like I should protest...)

Whenever I see Gilbert looking so happy with just one kiss, I can't say anything.

(... I'm pretty much the same way.)

I cleared my throat and blew away the embarrassment that was clearly out of place.

Emma: "And by the way, that cane... it was a gun."

Gilbert: "Do you want me to make one for you?"

Emma: "No, I don't need it."

Gilbert: "Eh, you're cold..."

Emma: "I don't need a gun, but... like that cane, there's still a lot I don't know about you."

(… And the best example of that is, of course—)

I stare at Gilbert's face.

Although I have lived at Obsidian for a fair amount of time now, I have yet to see beneath Gilbert's eye patch even once.

I wonder if there is a scar under the black eye patch or if there is another reason.

I had avoided asking until now, thinking it might be a topic I shouldn't touch, but Gilbert seemed to see right through my thoughts.

Gilbert: "… Are you curious?"

Emma: "Very..."

Gilbert: "I can tell you."

Emma: "Are you sure?"

(That’s surprisingly easy—)

Gilbert: "However..."

Gilbert hugs my waist and puts a bewitching smile on his lips.

Gilbert: "At night, on the bed...?"

══════════════════

After Walter diagnosed that Gilbert was doing well after the surgery, he began to bring me into his bed more often.

At first it was just light kissing and sleeping, but then the clouds began to lift...

Gilbert: "Well, what do you do when you get in bed?"

Now there are more days when a kiss is not enough to get him to forgive me.

Emma: "… I'm embarrassed every time."   //   "… It's embarrassing every time."

Gilbert: "I just want to see you embarrassed."

(Really, I've never seen anyone as bad as Gilbert.)

Smiling, Gilbert sits on the bed and looks at me.

I wanted to cry at the look that was not going to be turned away at all, but I emptied my mind and dropped my negligee on the floor.

Gilbert shakes his head as I am reduced to a thin piece of cloth.

Apparently, I have to take it all off to get under the eye patch.

Gilbert: "Take it off, or I will take it off anyway, right?"

Emma: "… It might be less embarrassing if you took off your clothes."

Gilbert: "I doubt that."

(…?)

I was beckoned to come closer, and Gilbert stood up and mercilessly stripped me down to my underwear.

(Uwaaa!)

I quickly crouch down on the ground to cover my body.

My whole body was burning because I was not prepared for it.

Gilbert: "You're embarrassed when I undress you."

Emma: "… It was so sudden…"

Emma: "Anyway… Why am I always the only one naked—"

Gilbert: "What, you want to see me naked? No, Little Bunny, you're shameless."

Emma: "Which one of us is the shameless one!?"

Gilbert: "Ahaha, I'm only going to make love to you, okay?"   //   "Ahaha, I'm only naughty for you, okay?"

(… I am not pleased. This is exactly what Gilbert wants.)

Laughing, Gilbert picks me up and rolls me onto the bed.

When I got down on my back and hid my body, his tongue crawled on my back.

Gilbert: "Turn around, Emma."   //   "Look at me, Emma."

Emma: "… I don't want to."

Gilbert: "Then I won't take off my eye patch either."

Emma: ". . . . . ."

Gilbert: "In the first place, if you look that way, you won't be able to see me, right?"

(It's all about the end result…)

I was kissed repeatedly on the back and occasionally bitten sweetly.

The frustration gradually outweighs the embarrassment of being naked.

(… I want to see what's under his eye patch…)

(I want to know the Gilbert I don't know.)

When the rain of kisses stopped, I made up my mind and turned my body up...

Gilbert: "Ah, finally our eyes met."

Emma: ". . . . . ."

He has a beautiful ultramarine eye that I cannot help but admire.

Emma: "… It’s blue…"

Gilbert: "I was born with it. It's my complex."

Emma: "Why? It's so beautiful."

(Red and blue... I've never seen one with such a distinctly different eye color.)

Unlike red, the color of blood that seems to destroy everything, blue is gentle and full of affection.

My impression of Gilbert changed drastically from the right side to the left side.

Emma: "I love it."

Gilbert: "You may love it, but I will never love it."

(If you're going to go that far, there's something traumatic—)

Gilbert: "I mean, don't I look like a baby?"   //   "I mean, don't I look like a child?"   //   "I mean, don't I have a baby face?"

Emma: "…… Huh?"

I just couldn't keep my voice straight.

Emma: "It kind of… makes you look younger when you have both eyes showing…"

Gilbert: "I feel like it's more appropriate for my age if I hide it with an eye patch. I don't know."

(Oh, the reason is more than I thought.)

(… It’s sincere...)

I instantly turned my face away, but it was too late.

Gilbert: "… You smiled just now."

Emma: "N-No… I'm not smiling."

Gilbert: "I hate lies."

Emma: "Ah... nnh—"

Gilbert puts his fingers in between my legs with a look that makes me wonder if he's disapproving or amused.

Emma: "Don't…"

The cold fingers caressed my sensitive spot, and gradually, an obscene sound of whimpering and moaning assaulted my eardrums.

Gilbert: "Oh, I haven't even touched you that much yet—"

Emma: "… I-Is that really the only reason… for the eye patch?"

I forcibly interrupt the words that incite shame and then go further.   //   I forcibly interrupt the words that incite shame, and he goes more deeply. **

Gilbert: "No? There are other reasons, but you don't need to know them."

Gilbert: "Because it's no longer necessary."

(What does that mean—…)

Emma: "Ahh… mmm…"

Fingers penetrate deep into my body, and my hips lift.

I didn't have the time to ask the questions that came to mind.

Gilbert: "Hehe… Since I told you a secret, I deserve something in return."

Emma: "… W-wait—"

Gilbert: "Hey, you're not going to try to run away from me, are you...?"

I tried to escape, but Gilbert was expertly holding me down,

Without a moment to catch my breath, I had no choice but to take the stimulation given to me in stride.

(… I feel like… I'm being trampled…)

Eventually, his cold fingers and the heat in my body assimilate and become one.

No matter how many times I shuddered, he wouldn't let go, and the feeling of wetness was uncomfortable.

(A heat... in my belly...)

When I grabbed the black shirt, saying I couldn't do it anymore, the eyes of different colors responded in different ways.

It is really strange because the red one looks mean and the blue one looks like it is smiling gently.

Gilbert: "By the way, there's a lot more I haven't told you."

Gilbert: "I'm actually writing a book…"

(… Huh.)

Gilbert: "I've been drawing designs for the dress I gave you…"

(Eh…)

Gilbert: "Oh, and then..."

Gilbert suddenly remembers and pulls something shiny out of his pants pocket.

It was an insignia of King Chevalier with a white tiger emblem.

(When did you...!)

Gilbert: "This is terrible."

Gilbert: "I can't believe you have a man like me and yet you have something that belongs to another man."

Emma: "It doesn't mean anything strange!?"

Gilbert: "For you, maybe."

Gilbert: "But it's Chevalier's way of harassing me."

Emma: "I don't think—"

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Chevalier: "There will come a day when you can use it if you want to establish a friendly relationship with Rhodolite."

Chevalier: "… Besides, I want to get revenge for being pushed around by Eyepatch, too."

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

(… It might have, it might happen.)

Gilbert: "I'm jealous."

The moment the villain turned up the corner of his mouth with a smirk, my body was penetrated all of a sudden.

Emma: "Ahh—ahhhh…"

Without a shred of gentleness, he roughly gouges the heat out of my stomach.   //   Without a shred of gentleness, he roughly and violently hollows out the heat in my stomach.

My vision flashed, and my breathing became violently erratic.

Gilbert: "All you need to worry about is me…"

Gilbert: "The mere sight of another man makes me want to kill him, okay?"

(… It's more of… a threat than jealousy…)

Gilbert's "like" is dominance.   //   Gilbert's "love" is dominance.

Domination was an expression of his affection, and perhaps that has not changed.

(But... he doesn't take away my freedom, and he respects my heart.)

The occasional contradiction between what he says and what he does is evidence that he is wavering between beast and man.

My nails dig into Gilbert's perilously unstable back.   //   I dig my nails dangerously into Gilbert's back. **

My body heaved more, and I felt a tingle in the pit of my stomach.

(Gilbert now has… a human side as well…)

(So, I—...)

I let go of the violent pleasure with my breath, so much so that it almost took away my sense of consciousness.

Emma: "Just a little bit more... Please trust me."

Emma: "… I will never, ever betray you."

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Emma: "… What is this "betrayal" you speak of, Prince Gilbert?"

Gilbert: "Well…"

Gilbert: "That you are no longer you."

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

(I'm… staying me.)

No matter how many more secrets about Gilbert I learn in the future,

I know that his underlying wounded heart is filled with love for others.

Gilbert: "I see..."

A pair of flickering eyes covered my vision, and my lips were sealed.

His lips, which are usually cold, are now so hot that they almost burn.

Gilbert: "I'm troublesome, difficult, and tough, but do your best...?"

The reply was charmingly lost.

(—I wonder if he's aware of that.)

Just as there are things I don't know about Gilbert, there are things he seems unaware of as well.

(Someday, I'd love to teach you.)   //   (Someday, I want to tell you.)

(Why I love you, even if you're mean, even if you threaten me…)

Gilbert, who does evil things to me without seeming to take offense...

He always had sincere love in his eyes——

𝗟𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿:

To my beloved Little Bunny   //   To my darling little rabbit

I thought it was a good idea to lock up the little rabbit, but I guess not. I need to think of other ways to love you… If you have any good ideas, could you write me a letter? I will seek a compromise with your input as well.

Come to think of it, there's been a lot of talk about letters since I came to Obsidian. Before, I couldn't write anything without a question from you, but now it seems that's not the case. I have so much I want to tell you and share with you. I wonder... I haven't wanted to write a letter to someone like this since I was a child.

I used to love to write letters. Since I am frail and have spent most of my life in bed, letters are the only thing that connect me to the outside world. There were also a few friends who I never met face-to-face, only through our exchange of letters… My brothers, mother, and friends all taught me so much, and it was something I looked forward to every day.

I stopped doing any of those things when I became a beast… Hey, Emma. Write to me when you have time again. I'll keep writing to you too.

Oh, and by the way, you have no right to refuse this. Write a letter, or be forced to write one. You have a choice between those two options...?

Gilbert von Obsidian

[hum-suffer]

I wish to share this on my own blog but I know I will get a ton of hate from people I call 'friends'. You can ignore this rant and all, I am just leaving this in your inbox because one of your post was so crucial in my disillusion process. It was that one post about how many people lost their lives for chanting "Jai Siya Ram" The whole RJB thing, I was always on the fence about it. Leaning slightly towards the "Why cant we build schools and hospitals there instead!" team. While even with my biased views I still accepted that the Hindu side had a right to grieve over the temple that was razed all those years back- despite acknowledging that it was an injustice, I still felt they shouldnt raze down mosques and that the whole RJB grandeur should have been muted etc. My own parents constantly fed me one sided views. That it was all a Brahmin supremacist movement. That it was a movement to oppress the minorities. That it was never even a real issue but instead artificially manufactured for political reasons. Like any other kid I felt my parents can never be wrong. Unfortunately, in that perception I was the one in wrong. Sorry this is turning lengthy but it is weighing heavy on me. The whole excitement that was built around 22nd Jan- it appeared to be an overhyped media gimmick to me. However as the date neared, I saw the saffron flags adorning every street, almost every flat in my society and every shop in my area. The strangest part of all this, I live in a non Hindi state. We were always told this whole RJB movement was a movement of 'illiterate Northies'- that was the language I had grown up hearing. However what I saw was the opposite. Every street temple was adorned. I had never seen this level of festivities even in peak festivals like Diwali. Forget that, even the street hawkers had decorated their cart thingies. Poorest of the poor slums had saffron flags. How could it be if the whole thing was artificially created? Our house maid asked for a day off for that day so that she can watch pran pratishtha event. These arent 'illiterate northies' The highest residential towers here had diwali lightings. Fanciest of the malls in my city, Brand shops, cars- everything your eye could see had some symbolism of RJB festivities. Almost like everyone was under Ram's spell. On tumblr, while scrolling I then came across that post of your which I mentioned earlier. And I couldnt scroll past it. I decided to read on it. Why were people killed for chanting that one name? Was it really that deep? Are Hindus still carrying scars of that event that many have said didnt even happen? Is Ram really that relevant? Is he even real? So many temples for him and yet why are they fighting for that one? Cant they just pray in the other temples? And when I digged, the amount of skeletons that jumped out were the worst reality check I have had so far in life. I was a mess, I still am. It is atrociously horrific. The more I read the truth of all the events, of our past, of our present struggles- it is so unbearable.

Its been two months since the event and I could only bring myself to send this to you today. I am beyond horrified with the reality. I went to the temple near my society on the 22nd. The crowd there was spellbound. When Ram Lalla's face was shown on the projector, I expected everyone to raise Jai Shree Ram slogans but everyone was so quiet. Crying. Sobbing. It was bizarre to witness it in real time. I teared up watching all of the people sob around me. I didnt even care for him then, in fact Shri Ram's character as I had known of him until then was one of "that misogynist king who wronged his wife". I was fairly negative to him and yet I too couldn't help but sob on that day while looking at him. He appeared so real, so adorable-so alive! I had always seen the gods as just stone but on that day his eyes- I swear they looked alive. I tried hard to see the stone but i couldnt overlook the god. The smile, the eyes, the cheeks- so sober, so lovable.

That was the day I witnessed in real time who he really is. He is the king that united everyone across the country behind one cause. Poorest of the poor and Richest of the rich- they all stood side by side that day. Everyone celebrated, everyone cried. Thats who Ram is to the people of this country. Ayodhya is hundreds of miles away from where I live and yet on that day it felt like we were all standing right there in this court. I couldnt even decide what i felt about it for many days after that but on the 22nd I found myself healing from some wound that I didnt even know I needed to heal from. Hearing about that one scrap-collector lady that donated a measly 20 rupees for the Ram temple; about that one gold merchant who spent a fortune on the golden gates of the temple- it was extremely eye opening. People of this country are so mad in love with him. Rightly so. He accepts them all. As the story goes, he doesnt differentiate between a little squirrel or the mighty vaanars. Two months later, I am now desperately seeking his refuge too. I dont know if I would ever be able to live the euphoria of that again however the very fact that I could feel his presence despite all of my reservations against him for all of my life means that he doesnt hold a grudge against me. He included me in the celebrations and now I wish someday I can feel attached to him the way all those people who laid their lives for his cause did. Jai Siya Ram

First of all, my dear, never be sorry to contact me in any way. I encourage it, i promise, and you will never find judgement with me for any reason, provided that you are respectable, which, you are. And as someone who has also been through some serious disillusionment, I would never ignore this.

I absolutely understand the apprehension in sharing your new views in your blog due to the response from others and i would not pressure you at all to do that. You can take your time and until then, my ask box and dms are always open for you.

As far as Ram Janmbhoomi goes, I was unaware of it as well, for almost all my life. I was raised to turn my head the other way, should I notice things that might be controversial. My father was the first one in my family to break out of the mold and search up the atrocities that have happened in our country, especially against Hindus, as those are the ones that the general media seems eager to push under the rug. From him, i started learning more and later it became my own idea to never be unaware of what has been and is being inflicted on Hindus.

Personally, when I was younger, I felt similar about Shri Ram. Why did he abandon his wife? If he abandoned her on the word of a washerman, what does it mean for us, mere humans?

It is only when I got older that i understood that this part was not in the original Ramayan, at all. This is from Tulsidas Ji's Ramcharitmanas. And it has been popularised extremely to the stretch that it lost the meaning. Tulsidas Ji's narration of Shri Ram abandoning his wife is, in a way, to show that Shri Ram was the epitome of control and law and abided by the law as well as the wishes of his citizens even when it was not beneficial to him. Agnipariksha, in the Ramayan, was to exchange a illusion of Mata Sita with the real Mata Sita. This, in my idea, is because Mata Sita is Lakshmi herself. She would not stay in a place where women are not respected.

What I mean is, our texts are large and elaborated with metaphors. Sometimes, interpolation as well as local folk tales also become a part of our interpretation of such texts. I am not giving you excuses, but reasons for your misinterpretation of Shri Ram.

I'm so very proud of you for taking initiative for yourself and trying to see the situation happening around yourself without bias. It is extremely amazing that you took up a search of your own in answers and decided to find the truth, despite any previous reservations you had.

Shri Ram protects and nurtures us, my dear. He will not hold a grudge against you, ever. Trust your instincts and give into him, connect with him in any way that you feel is best. For example, visit a temple some day. Read up about him sometimes. Talk with him, like you would with an elder brother. Understanding Ram, in a way, means understanding yourself.

I'm honoured that a post of mine could help you question the bias views you previously held. Thank you so much for coming to me, my dear. And my ask box as well as my DMs are always open, you ever want to talk.

Jai Siya Ram.

[beabnormal24]

Hi! For the shipping asks: 👅 💖 💔 (if you want to!)

Oooh, good one. i love answering asks.

1. 👅 (ship that you find most sexy)

I mean, Charlos, of course. I guess I don’t even need to explain myself on this one, but I guess I’ll do it anyway. I will say that in my personal opinion Carlos is the sexiest, in the sense that he has that sinuosity in his movements and that elegance and finesse in his gestures that just makes him incredibily sexy.

If you want to look at it in a figurative way, I see Carlos like Matthew Macfadyen in Pride and Prejudice, so hot in his austerity.

And Charles? Prettiest boy ever, so delicate but also clumsy and silly and sexy in that completely self conscious and self confident and effortless way that attractive people who are constantly giggling their asses off are. He’s the epitome of babygirlism and sassiness, but you should not doubt him - which is exactly what Carlos never does.

Figurative example? Jonathan Bailey as Tim Laughlin in Fellow Travelers during the ‘50-‘60s episodes.

Together? Sexiest ship alive.

2. 💖 (Ship that needs more love)

Since I am deeply undecided, I’ll offer two options.

First one, George Russell and Max Verstappen, also known as Gax. Why, do you say?

Their dynamics would be incredible, apart from the entire obvious enemies to lovers mechanism, let’s spend some time talking about their characterisation - because you all know how much I like that.

George, your next door British boy, curses in lower case and says Blimey and Crikey like it’s normal. He cares about his looks and his appearance. He’s thirsty for competition, neat, honest, proper, terribly impatient although he tries his very best to not let it show.

Now, Max? Curses in bold, replaces Hello and Hi with Shit and Fuck. Doesn’t care about his appearance as much as he cares about his own cats. He’s thirsty for competition, neat, honest, proper, terribly impatient and he lets it show.

Conclusion: they’re basically the same person, just in different fonts, similar in their dissimilarities.

One is Calibra Light, the other is Calibra Bold, and they’ll clash their horns against each other like angry deers, but then they’ll notice how good they actually look together, how good they work together, how good they match and boom…

No chances for anyone else, two puzzle pieces completing each other.

Uh, I might write something about that.

Anyway, second one? Alexander Albon and Logan Sargeant. And tell me if I even need to explain myself on this one.

They are the ship, they have everything!

Logan blushing furiously and falling for Alex’s teasing and looking at him longingly and smiling like a lovesick fool whenever Alex gives him attention or jokes about his obsession with America. He’s so enamoured with Alex that he even started copying some of his attitudes, because he’s that in love.

But let’s be clear, Alex is falling just as hard, because Logan is so cute and he likes the way there’s someone who actually looks up at him - not only figuratively, lol, because Nicholas is tall - and he blushes in such a cute shade of red when he calls him Logie Bear.

Alex might be a little bit obsessed with him.

I need to write about them.

3. 💔 (ship that makes you sad)

I honestly don’t know how to answer this one, I guess it is based on personal interpretation.

I would probably say that the one that makes me a little bit sad is Dando.

Ironic, you may say, but let’s think about it for a second.

They started to bloom a little late, because Lando was still attached to Carlos and Daniel isn’t as careful around boundaries as he should be in certain situations, and although Lando has clearly grown into an overconfident young man that we love to see thriving, he does initially still need some limits - like Carlos and Oscar had religiously respected.

But then they had bloomed, they started getting along like a house on fire. People do not realise how hard it actually is to become so close in such contexts without having any strings from before - like Alex and George or Charles and Pierre or Oscar and Logan and so on.

Lando went to his house in Perth, voluntarily, just to spend time with him and do crazy stuff on his farm and have the time of his life with someone that is ten years older than him.

But they get along so well that who does even care about age differences?

But just as they started to really develop through their relationship, shit happened and they got separated.

I’m really glad they still bloomed - sharing clothes like in Monaco and sharing jet rides and visiting each other and going to dinners together and stuff - but it does make me a little sad the thought that, in some twisted way, things still tried to put themselves through their building affection.

It also makes me sad the fact that, because of all of that, they didn’t get to shine as bright as they deserved.

That’s it, hope you liked my answers and please Ant let me know about yours, too! 🩷🩷

[mulderscully]

okay whatever i'm high and oversharing, so i am once again thinking about whether closure is something worth pursuing with my ex best friend.

brief summary. ex bestie was always prettier and more popular than me. she is a huge extrovert while i'm an introvert, you know the deal whatever. so somehow we're best friends in 6th grade. like idk in a few months i would've walked over hot coals for this girl. did i have a gay crush on her? i truly do not know. i think abt is constantly and i have no idea! but her love and approval was like... i NEEDED it.

then after a while she would get annoyed with me and drop me as a friend entirely. for months. no contact, nothing. then she'd tell people i was up her ass etc while we weren't friends.

then, she'd come back. she'd start talking to me like nothing happened and i'd come crawling back to her with open arms every damn time.

this went on for YEARS. months of promises to be maids of honor and friends til we die and sleepovers and laughing til we couldn't breathe. then she'd drop me. suddenly and entirely. this went on til the summer my mom died sophmore year.

those last 3 months my mom was alive we were not talking because she was mad at me for god knows what knowing my mom is ACTIVELY DYING. then the night my mom died she was the first person i called and she just immediately knew and RAN over to my house for like the first time ever. and she stayed with me all night and we became friends again.

then she never dropped me again. she went off to college and i stayed at home working and she'd call me every night, she'd come visit me, i would visit her. FOR FOUR YEARS. the longest we ever went.

then she went to grad school in miami and i cried the entire day she moved bc i knew she would never come back. this was her dream and she got it. and she asked me to come with her. for free. i said no, okay. i said no.

then we stopped talking. not a dropped thing just. she got a girlfriend and a busy job and it was just natural. but it hurt to call her and feel like i didn't know this person anymore, esp with how our friendship started and i started getting freaked out tbh.

so one december. i think 2018? i can't even remember! she comes to visit for christmas. we make plans for dinner and i made reservations and like. i'm literally at the restaurant when she texts me that she can't come bc she's too exhausted. and i just immediately started crying and left and decided i would never talk to her again.

and i only really believed that when i checked insta that night and she was out partying instead of with me.

and i was like i'm never talking to her again.

and i never have.

she texts me. says happy birthday. tells me she misses me.

but... i can't talk to her now. because i miss her so much and i hate her so much and i hate that she doesn't even KNOW i'm mad and i'm mad because i feel like she SHOULD KNOW. she should be sorry for EVERYTHING and she just is completely unaware and i don't know if that's unfair or not.

she invited me to her 30th bash in miami this december and i'm like so you still know i exist. what am i to you? did i ever matter to you as you did to me? why did you walk all over me and why did i LET you?

i just so badly want to ask her these things and still never talk to her. but i know... idk she makes me weak in a way i can't even explain to myself so idk if closure is possible or worth pursuing. but if i truly never talk to her again, it'll plague me til the end of my days that i didn't try? god i don't know.

broken hearts on christmas are 0/10 bc it comes back every year

[whomstress]

What it Takes to Feel Real (Part 2)

[Part 1] So this was only supposed to have 2 chapters but I can't help myself and took advantage of my chronic insomnia and wrote until 5 am to finish this chapter. The next next fic I write after this will be very wholesome promise, but this ones a major angst if you couldn't tell from the last chap lol. SO anyway next chapters last one! Oh and it's a doozie.

It’s been a year of being on and off, and eventually a fully fledged couple, to get him to really open up to her. She was his confidant, and he was hers. But it was different with him. Ragatha, though really not liking to bother anyone in the slightest, did occasionally let someone know if she was a little bit down or worried about something if someone had caught on. She’d gotten better at it since being with Jax, but she's still a people-pleaser at heart, rarely wanting anyone to worry for her.

Jax, on the other hand, never gave the slightest clue to his being in a bad place. Sure, he didn’t hide it when he was annoyed or angry, but anything deeper than that, and if someone even mentioned it to him, he’d find a way to make them back off as quick as he could.

Ragatha had always been different about it, though. As much as he wanted her to back off, especially when they were not as close, she may have stopped asking verbally but made sure to be watching him from the corner of her eye, and if things got worse, she made sure to check on him even if he hated it. He appreciated it.

Well, for the most part, when she finally got through to him, he would “allow” her to comfort him. He’d let her into his room or come into hers, most of the time at some hideous time in the middle of the night, where not a soul could see them, and sit silently in his presence. Every time he wouldn’t say a word and wouldn’t let her touch him, besides once or twice, they would stay as completely still as possible. But he would let her lay on the bed, not too far from her, sitting on the floor against it, and slowly let his tense body relax in her company. He’d sometimes allow her to sing soothing songs, all as he stared blankly at the wall, like he was looking beyond all this and nowhere at all. She appreciated when he did because he would relax faster, and depending on how bad his mood was, he would too.

She eventually realized that what had really comforted him the most was that he just didn’t want to be alone. She had no idea what he was thinking about the long, mostly silent nights. She was there, relaxing barely an inch at a time, but she was happy she could help him. Helping people and helping him made her feel useful. As if she was needed, and it made her alive and made her feel human again.

At times, Ragatha truly didn’t like him, and she was sure his feelings were mutual. Still, they understood each other like no one else.

They were two sides of the same coin. Even if it was for the opposite reasons, neither wanted others to worry about them. Both engaged with the fellow characters more than anyone else because focusing on other people allowed them to ignore what was going on with themselves. Keeping other people at arms length while refusing to live alone. Because of this, they saw through each other like a window. They both constantly needed to be reminded of what was real and what was fake.

When no one else had a single clue, they only needed to see the slightest crack in each other's mask to know something was wrong. They were so different and yet so similar. She supposed that’s why they got together; opposites attract.

Finally, when they were together, she allowed him to comfort her. She knew it had always been a surprise to him how the girl, who couldn’t go a single day without checking in on someone, pushed people away from herself so far when she was down. So, when she finally came to him for a change, he made a joke if she was sure, and she almost left, causing him to roll his eyes and literally drag her back in.

Unlike him, she needed touch, warmth, and something to hug; even when she was alone, she’d hold a pillow of plushie for dear life. He was definitely uncomfortable with this, never being one to like this sort of touch, but sooner or later they fell into a familiar pattern. She started spending more nights than not, sleeping in his room wrapped in his arms. It even became a favorite pastime. Not needing to sleep, they really never felt physically tired before, so the deep desire to be drifted to sleep by the comfort of his warmth was one of the few luxuries she’s had since she’s been here. She’d occasionally wake up to find him blankly staring at her with a relaxed expression, studying her face. Which was kind of weird but also endearing if she was being honest.

However, as wholesome as that was, they were still adults. Adults with needs and wants that would be highlighted when their bodies were intwined and their kisses turned from soft to passionate. Ragatha knew Jax had always made crude jokes, but she tried to never acknowledge them before. Not until she knew they weren’t quite jokes anymore, from the way his eyes bored into her when he made them. He was testing the waters and asking if she would let him swim. Without going into detail because, well, she doesn’t think that’s possible from how she turns into a blushing, bumbling mess at even the mention of the stuff. Things between them escalated.

It was after three months of them. Ahem, as they were getting “busier.” Before the news of her lifetime came.

She wanted to tell Jax the second she found out, hop into his arms with what she believed to be great news, and have him spin her around and kiss her senseless in joy. But that wasn’t Jax; it never was, so she’s not surprised by his reaction.

“How was this even possible? This isn’t real.”’ That was the first thing Jax said to her when she told him the news Caine confirmed the day before.

Yes, not surprised, but still disappointed.

He’d finally told her what it was that helped him stay sane. He said none of this was real, and as long as he knew that, he’d be okay. She did have to admit it hurt when he said it, especially when he’d sat and “wished” it was after an intimate moment between them. Because in those moments, that was exactly what made her feel the realist. Though she did not agree and they had small spiffs about it, she let it slide because if that’s what kept him here, she really didn’t mind. Until now.

“How can this happen?” He added instantly.

Ragatha tried to laugh it off, saying, “I’m pretty sure of all people you know how this happened.”

He didn’t laugh—not even a smirk—just stare at her with a slight furrowed eyebrow and a blank expression. She frowned; she didn’t like that look, which never meant anything good. She couldn’t stand it anymore and looked away, but he didn’t. The silence got to her after a while, and she held a hand over her abdomen and said, “Caine says it's a girl.” She looks up at him to see him studying her face, like he was trying to figure out a calculus problem in his head. She looks back down at her hand and smiles softly. “I’ve always wanted a girl, you know.”

It’s silent a long time again before she hears him thump his foot hard on the ground, causing her to look up at his angry expression. She’s so shocked she couldn’t even get a word out before he marches out, saying, “I’m going to kill the mother!#$@%!" This isn’t right! How dare he do this to you!"

It takes her another moment to realize he’s not angry at her; he’s angry for her. Like Caine, had heard her dreams and took advantage of them for his entertainment. As if he did her wrong. She couldn’t see how he would think that. Ragatha was ecstatic about the news. Call her cliche, but one of her dreams since she was a child was to have a baby with the love of her life, and she did. That and to own a candy shop, but that wasn’t important at the moment.

She didn’t care about the circumstances, and she told them that eventually he was locked back in his room in a “time-out” after apparently somehow getting Caine to open the basement and pushing him in. It took her a long time, but after he accepted, she really wasn’t upset and saw how genuinely happy he was about everything. Looking forward to their baby more and more every day. He calmed down. And they mostly stopped trying to murder Caine.

No matter how much he helped or was careful with her, she knew his feelings were all messed up about everything. She had to ask him to stop saying out loud how strange all her symptoms were if she wasn’t even “really” pregnant. She knew it helped him, and maybe it was her hormones, but she really couldn’t put up with things like she used to. Especially when the father of her child keeps telling her that the aches, pains, and literal kicks growing inside her every day aren't “real.” Not a single soul couldn't tell her this was real. She knew what she felt; she was going to be a mother. No one could deny that.

As much as Jax was grossed out, he was there for the whole birth, allowing Ragatha to practically crush his gloved hand into cartoon silt. He joked more than usual, she supposed, because he was nervous. It was comforting to see that the only other people in the room were medical staff. Ai’s Caine had no faces and could somehow still talk. It was beyond creepy, but Ragatha barely had time to complain. She tried to have Pomni and Gangle come as her best friends, but Ponmi instantly fainted the moment the doctor went to check on her. Jax rolled his eyes, calling her a surprisingly bigger wimp than Gangle, who had to physically drag the other girl out. Ragatha was still happy; she tried her best when she warned that this might happen.

Their daughter was finally born, and Ragatha happily cried at how beautiful she was holding the newborn to herself, like she was the most precious thing in the world. Which she was.

As ironic as it was, they named her Marionette when they finally got to see her for the first time. They had other names planned, but for the little purple pastel rabbit girl with the sweetest curls on her head, who looked like a custom doll, the name was all too fitting.

She was everything Ragatha wanted and more. Her pupils were the cutest little blue buttons; she had no nose, but still, her face was mostly human-looking. Her fur was as soft as a real rabbit, like Jax, and the itty-bitty curls on her head matched Ragatha. She hushed her baby as she cried until she calmed down. Fianlly was able to kiss her head and feel her warmth and breath against her. She was finally able to hold her beautiful baby, which had been growing inside her for the last nine months. She was a mother; this was her baby, she had made out of love. Nothing could ever change that.

Jax, though looking fondly at them, snapped her out of her thought, saying, “Jesus, Ragatha. How are you crying louder than a literal baby? That’s the only thing she knows how to do.”

She laughs at that. “Okay, okay, that’s fair. But, just look at her, Jax!”

“I am,” he said, but there was something about him she only noticed now. He may have had a lazy smile on his face, but his whole body was tense as a slab of stone, and he was standing only as close to her as possible to not cause suspicion. His arms were tightly crossed at his chest, like he was scared to touch anything.

A frown slowly went to her lips, devastation coming over her. “What’s wrong?”

He looks like he desperately wants to say something, but still looking at Marionette with an unreadable expression, he says, “Nothing you’d want to hear in the moment.” When he looks up at Ragatha and lets out a sigh, forcing himself to calm down by reading her mind, he says, “I’ll tell you later. I promise… It has nothing to do with you two. It’s me.”

Searching him like she figures out everything with a blink of his eyes, she accepts that whatever it is, he means it. It’s not about them. “Would you like to hold her?" Ragatha asks without thinking.

Jax's eyes widen, but he looks at the little girl again, and then at Ragatha, with a shit-eating grin stretching back on his face. “I mean, I think I deserve it after all the pain I went through today. Seriously, sitting in that chair so long with my hand, ooh, aaah, that's got to be the worst pain I’ve ever felt. They should really do something to make things more comfortable for the people doing the hard work."

Her face is deadpan before he even finishes, and though she’s happy he’s joking, she is too tired to deal with his nonsense right now. “Will you please just hold your damn child and shut up?"

Jax laughs; she uses one of the few words that passes the censors and moves over to grab the half-sleeping baby. "Yeah, yeah, lemmie, finally see this twerpet up close.”

"I’m going to hurt you. I mean it.” She says holding on to the baby a little longer before he coaxes her to hand her over.

"Alright, let’s take a look at you,” he says as the baby shifts a little, opening her eyes a bit more. He looks over her a little intensely, but still with a softer expression than before. He comments and jokes every once in a while about which features are his and which are Ragatha's, but for the most part, he stays silent. As much as she wants to hold her baby again, she is more tired than she’s ever been in her life and decides to let her eyes drift shut as she watches him be more soft with her than she’s ever seen.

She’s a second away from sleep when she sees her baby's tiniest little hand wrap around his finger, and the saddest look fills his face as a tear falls down. She was unable to keep her eyes open any longer. But there is one last moment before her world turns to black; she unmistakably hears him. A whisper of desperation: “Why can’t you be real?”

[ioannemos]

it's not exactly that i don't wanna be alive, it's that i don't wanna be alive like this, y'know?

brain damaged into stupidity but likely not enough to qualify as disabled, probably gonna have brain fog of some sort the rest of my life bc of the medication i have to be on, always tired, freezes as a stress reaction and thus bad at handling important things in a timely manner, exhausted by doing anything adult life needs like phone calls and paperwork and just even talking to people, terrified of driving, no guarantee i'd be able to drive anyway if i keep having seizures, petrified of living alone but too much work to be a roommate, bad at making friends, bad at asking for help, can't remember the past consistently and no good at planning for the future, the things that i enjoy doing don't make money and if they do i stop enjoying doing them, constantly aware that i'm taking up space and time and money and thinking that i don't deserve it...

ten years (more or less) (probably more) of wanting to kill myself and literally half my life spent being scared of practically everything. there are so many people younger than me doing more and making progress and knowing who they are and what they want. i still don't know who i am except the seventeen-year-old who realized it was a big world out there and didn't know where she fit except as her mom's helper so that's what she decided to be. and now that's not enough, bc her mom died and she's over thirty. she's over thirty. she is OVER THIRTY YEARS OLD and cries on the floor after stressful phone calls and has never been to college and doesn't have a driver's license and doesn't know how to live alone. her history is a hazy blur and her future is a big black hole

i want to be DONE. i'm no USE on this earth i want to be DONE i want to go HOME to the home i've dreamed of since the first time i read the last battle (not a physical home bc i'm not convinced anymore that there's ever really been one)

God why aren't i done??? what else can i possible DO??? what do you WANT from me? WHY do you want ANYTHING from me i am currently throwing a TANTRUM bc i hate this and it sucks! i don't wanna BE HERE I WANNA GO HOME!

i miss my mom. i miss when every day didn't feel like just trying to keep myself barely afloat, let alone making progress... somewhere. i miss not being scared and not feeling useless and not feeling wanted. i miss when not being noticed was okay. i don't want to be noticed i don't want to be seen i don't want things to be expected of me bc i don't know how to do that. i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i don't know what i want, i don't know what to do, i don't know how to live and i don't want to bc what if i do it wrong? like it feels i've done everything else?

i don't want this life. why can't you take it back?

[aftermathing]

I'm like. spiraling.

My body hurts and it's falling apart and there's nothing wrong with it and there's no way to fix it. I'll never be able to have a normal job again. I can barely stand how am I supposed to finish college. I need help and I keep asking people to help me and that makes them uncomfortable and I'm asking too much of them. I say there is no food in my house. They say why don't you go buy food. I say I'm too disabled to drive. They say oof lol. How does oof help me. How are you not worried about me. How when I say I haven't bought food in a week or washed my clothes in a year people respond omg lol and not holy shit are you okay do you need help how are you alive. Not to be lazy or anything but I would actually literally kill for someone to hold me and say it's okay you don't have to do this alone anymore I'm going to help you. I would commit unspeakable acts of violence for someone to offer to drive me to the store. Once you're disabled you're trash you can't contribute to society just let yourself decay. I make everyone uncomfortable by just existing as myself and I ruin every event by either being visibly in pain and pulling an ugly face because my legs are about to give out or by not going because my spine is broken and I can't leave my bed. My family won't help me they don't believe me I'm not allowed to flinch or look like I'm in pain because my face is ugly when I'm in pain and I'm just faking it to get out of doing anything at all. I don't have a single support system or way to survive this shit. I'm in so much pain constantly there's not even a word for it because I can't just say it hurts nobody takes me seriously or understands just how bad it hurts. I can't say it's like a knife in my spine that sounds so fucking fake. It's like a knife in my spine and every tiny cell that moves hurts it because it's a fucking blade stuck between my bones. It's cutting and mangling my skin and muscles and everyone is like why don't you just stop having a knife in your back and the doctors say you do not have avknifevin your back and my parents say everyone has a knife in their back and you're just pretending it hurts and being lazy because you hate me. How am I still alive why am I still alive why does it just keep getting worse

[ravens-words]

Untitled

Eddie asks Buck about the coma dream.

"So tell me about this other life," Eddie whispers quietly, watching Buck absentmindedly run his fingers through Christopher's hair. He’s heard about it from Bobby, a little bit, and he can’t say he’s not curious about it.

Buck looks up, startled. "Huh?"

"Your other life," he repeats patiently, "tell me about it."

Buck hesitates, looks away, and Eddie frowns. "Come on, it can't be that bad," he prods jokingly.

The look on Buck's face says otherwise, so Eddie waits him out, doesn't pressure him.

"I was a teacher," he tells him, and Eddie finds himself smiling. "What?" Buck asks.

"What?"

"Why are you smiling like that?"

Eddie quirks an eyebrow. "I'm not allowed to smile now?"

"Not without telling me why you're smiling like that, you're not."

He shakes his head. "Just- I can see it. You being a teacher."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah," he nodded, "you're good with kids, you're patient, you're kind," Eddie realizes when Buck blushes that he may have gone overboard, so he overcorrects, "-and you're practically a kid yourself, so you must've fit right in."

Buck huffs, rolls his eyes. Then, he sobers up and clears his throat. "Daniel was alive," he tells him, "and he was a doctor.” He sounds devastated, but in a hushed type of way that feels somehow different than before. Buck may not talk about his brother much, or at all really, considering the fact that he hadn't gotten to know him, but whenever Buck did talk about him, it was like he was an open wound that refused to mend. Now, it was different, not an open, gaping wound, but a scar, tender and fresh, but healed.

"Buck-"

He doesn't seem to hear him, though, because he continues. "Maddie was still with Doug, and she was- not okay. Chimney- he didn't know Maddie. Jee wasn't there anymore. Hen was pretty much the same, though."

Eddie's quiet for a minute, then, "and me?" He asks, curious, "where am I?"

"I don't know," he confesses. Buck shudders, closes his eyes like it pains him, and Eddie scoots his chair closer, grabs the free hand that's not stroking Christopher's back.

"Hey, where'd you go?"

"You weren't there," Buck tells him, "you- you lost Christopher."

He freezes, body tense and ice cold, as he processes the words and puts it together. "Because you weren't there," he says softly, awed.

Buck laughs it off, "I was just making everything about myself, again."

"No," he tells him, "no, you- when I came to LA, Buck, I had no idea how hard being on my own would be. I was drowning, and you- you helped. More than you'll ever know."

"Eddie, I just introduced you to Carla, you did the rest all on your own."

Eddie's shaking his head before Buck can finish talking. "You were there constantly, whenever I needed you. You were my rock, and you still are. So, trust me when I tell you, I wouldn't have survived, let alone gotten to a place where I'm actually okay, without you."

Buck's eyes are rimmed red at this point, and Eddie's must be too, because he feels the itch of tears burn his eyes.

"You're giving me too much credit," he laughs wetly, sniffling.

Eddie smiles. "I don't think you’re giving yourself enough." He squeezes his hand again- only then realizing he's been holding it the entire time. "I don't say it enough, but thank you for everything, Buck."

He opens his mouth to say something, probably a denial, but then he just- nods, accepts it.

There's a knock on the door frame, and Buck's doctor pokes her head in. "Visiting hours are over, I'm afraid."

Eddie nods at her, and pulls himself up. Waking Christopher takes a good minute, and Buck just looks at them instead of offering any help. Christopher eventually opens his eyes, then climbs down, but not before hugging Buck tightly. "I'm glad you're okay now."

"Thank you, bud."

Eddie hesitates for a moment before he throws caution to the wind and leans down, pressing his lips to Buck's hair and lingering there for a few seconds, just breathing him in. "Hey, Buck?"

"Yeah?" Cautious, hopeful, afraid.

"I'm glad you picked us."

Buck looks up at him, and Eddie tries not to let all the love and fondness he feels for him show, and most likely fails.

Buck smiles, bright and beautiful. "I am, too."