#crab mallets

[doodlebugugg]

listen idk jack about hannibal but as a maryland resident the fact that guy lives in maryland is just so silly to me. can’t stop thinking about a cannibal who lightly seasons his victims with old bay. go off queen.

[tagintagout-au]

(You try your best to stay quiet as you follow Nille through the trees.)

(Has she been sneaking off like this every time??)

(Oh, change, why didn't you notice sooner...!?)

(You watch her stop right before a small clearing, gripping her mallet tightly.)

(Soon after you see exactly why she stopped– a large, slightly imposing sadness seems to be wandering around in circles.)

(Is she seriously going to try and fight it alone!?)

(You try to make your way closer, when)

(....Uh oh.)

🔨: BELLE!?

(UH OH.)

🎀: Shh!! It's gonna-

🎀: EEP!

🔨: WAAH-

(CRAB CRAB CRAB IT'S GONNA ATTACK HER MOVE MOVE MOVE-)

🔨: WAIT, BELLE--

(Oh)

(That felt really bad)

(You stumble, before pulling out your weapon to strike back, and-)

🔨: TAKE THIS, YOU- YOU STUPID MONSTER!!

(The damage from both of your weapons severely outweighs whatever strength your opponent had left.)

(She's safe.)

(....Your knee is scraped really bad though... not to mention the pain in your chest..... ouch.)

🔨: .....

(She's staring down at you.)

(....Oh, she's mad....)

[thesiltverses]

I wanted to start off by thanking all of you for this most wonderful crustacean filled story! Having grown up in Maryland (a little US state so defined by its relationship to a giant estuary that the state college gives new students a crab mallet and some Old Bay seasoning), I loved seeing crustaceans get the proper reverence (and dread) they deserve.

My question is in regards to Val and The Last Word (who I love, love, love!!):

In the story, it seems to be implied that The Last Word is not only a newly created god, but also may be mixed up with Val in a way unusual for most god-saint cases (or maybe I’m misreading it, and the only weird one here is Val)

In that case, when Val died, did The Last Word also die with them? Or is it still out there, limping along without any worshippers? Considering its need for an audience to warp realities, would it even be possible for it to influence the world now that Val isn’t around to speak for it anymore?

Part of me thinks that if it survived it might end up a stray god in a similar way to The Watcher In The Wings, laying dormant until some hapless soul manages to draw its prayer marks (would there even be any records for how to summon this highly illegal and secret god?) I feel like the only living person who might be directly aware of it would be Chuck Harm (and now I’m imagining Chuck living his best life with the dogs while The Last Word futilely tries to tempt him into going back to newscasting to spread the word, like a puppy begging for human food)

TLDR, did our beloved walking war-crime take her beloathed god down with her?

Thank you for listening! I adore your thoughts on the Last Word and your story about the Maryland crab mallets is bizarre and horrible in all the best ways.

Personally, I don't see the Last Word as necessarily having an existence outside of Val (and as you mention, we see throughout the season that increasingly Val can lie without calling upon it at all). Which could be either:

1) because Val is right and she has lied her way into being a walking, talking god of lies

2) because a god of lies is necessarily insubstantial and evasive

3) because the Last Word does exist in some form, but it has no need for attention or communication as it's being worshipped far more meaningfully and effectively by characters like Carson and Chuck without even using its name. In this reading, Val is effectively a god-hacker tapping into its usage without having its attention.

[geraldofallon]

Lange Johan Seolfar, the Buccaneering Rattus Faber

They/He

Name: Lange Johan Seolfar

Title: Buccaneering Rattus Faber

Motifs: coral, crabs, fire, chariots, mallets, hyacinths

Music: Vivaldi’s La tempesta di mare

[the-most-humble-blog]

Grimdark Hive City “Seafood” Market:

Where Everything Crawls Before It’s Cooked

“If It’s Moving, It’s Fresh. If It’s Screaming, It’s Special.”

Welcome to the Underhive’s finest seafood market, where the air is thick with rot, the vendors have more missing fingers than full ones, and the ‘catch of the day’ might still be alive and pissed off when it hits your plate.

You didn’t come here for safety, sanitation, or common sense. You came here because your gut is either brave or suicidal.

MENU: Fresh (?) From the Toxic Depths

🐙 WRITHING WRETCH TENTACLES – “You Kill It, You Eat It”

Served raw, twitching, and occasionally venomous

Warning: The suckers WILL latch onto your throat if not chewed thoroughly.

Chef Special: Served in a spicy rad-lamp broth—if the heat doesn’t kill it, the toxins might.

🦐 NECROTIC CRAWLERS – “If It Glows, It Goes”

Deep-fried mutant shrimp, harvested from sewer runoff and industrial waste pits.

Still moving? That’s the flavor.

Fun Fact: Legally, we can’t call them shrimp anymore. The last guy who tried to classify them turned black, swelled up, and exploded.

🐟 THREE-EYED DEATH TROUT – “The Eye Contact is Part of the Experience”

A feral predator fish, known for eating smaller predators and occasionally fishermen.

Served whole, grilled, and aggressively judgmental.

Best paired with: A stimulant cocktail, because it’s been known to cause hallucinations before digestion fully kicks in.

🦑 “UNIDENTIFIED SWARM CHOWDER” – “Hope You Weren’t Too Attached to Your Stomach Lining”

A bubbling, foul-smelling soup made of whatever washes up near the chem-processing docks.

Guaranteed to contain: At least three species that don’t officially exist.

Tastes like: Pain and bad decisions.

🦀 MUTANT “HELLCRAB” LEGS – “Don’t Let It See Your Face”

Massive sewer-dwelling crabs, known for eating raw meat—usually whatever’s unlucky enough to fall into their nest.

Served with a mallet, a knife, and an apology.

Warning: If it wasn’t cooked thoroughly, it may try to reassemble itself in your stomach.

DRINKS: Because You’ll Need Something to Forget

☢ “TIDEWASH” BREW – “Half Booze, Half Bioweapon”

Distilled from unknown sea sludge, questionable fungi, and desperation.

Side Effects: Mild hallucinations, extreme confidence, and possible short-term brain damage.

Perfect Pairing With: Regret.

🔥 “BURNING BLUE” – “The Only Thing That Can Kill What You Just Ate”

A hyper-fermented concoction served with a fire extinguisher instead of a garnish.

Toxicity Level: Illegal in three districts.

Side Effects: Temporary blindness, involuntary muscle spasms, and extreme philosophical insights.

“IF IT HASN’T KILLED ANYONE RECENTLY, IT’S NOT FRESH”

Our chefs are ex-convicts, our ingredients are banned in most civilized places, and our customers don’t ask questions if they want to leave with their intestines intact.

So come on down to the Hive’s Finest Seafood Market. If you survive, your taste buds will never be the same.

🔥 REBLOG If you want more! 🍳

💬 COMMENT If You Think You Could Survive This Meal. 🚀 FOLLOW For More Degenerate Culinary Experiences.

[fourthage]

04 June 2025

State of the garden check-in for the front. I really need to divide the two tickseeds. They’re starting to swallow nearby plants.

Started adding a divider to help keep my neighbor’s crab grass out. It looks funky in the back half because of all the shallow tree roots. Still have a few feet left in the front, but I must need to work on my grip strength or something because my hand was sore after hammering what you see into the ground. (Rubber mallets are a lot heavier than regular hammers.)

Close-ups of the first (white) astilbe blooming and the fading Lenten rose flowers.

And a few things from the back. The honeysuckle flowers have started and the sunflower seeds have broken ground. And the newest clematis has already sent one runner to the top of the trellis. It’s looking good for vines on the railing itself!

And one of my friends sent me one of those cards with seeds embedded in the paper with my birthday gift, so it’s been torn up and put in two of the empty pots. It’ll be fun to see if anything grows!

[iww-gnv]

Every summer, people flock to Maryland to eat blue crabs. Named for their brilliant sapphire-colored claws, blue crab is one of the most iconic species in the Chesapeake Bay. The scientific name for blue crabs, Callinectes sapidus, means “beautiful savory swimmer.” In restaurants and at home, diners pile steamed and seasoned blue crabs in the middle of a table covered in paper. Then, using small mallets, knives, bare hands and fingers, they break open the hard shells and extract the juicy meat from inside. It is a messy experience, especially with Old Bay seasoning and beer known locally as Natty Bohs, one that is quintessentially Maryland. Though many people know firsthand how difficult it is to pick and clean crab meat, they often don’t realize how crab is processed when it is sold in stores already picked and cleaned. Most people also may not know that crab picking is a livelihood for many, mainly poor, women. For generations, African American women from Maryland’s rural, maritime communities labored for crab houses on the Eastern Shore. Today, fewer than 10 crab houses are left on the Shore. The workforce consists of mainly female migrant workers from Mexico who do the grueling job of picking crab for eight to nine hours a day, from late spring to early fall. They make on average of US$2.50 to $4.00 for every pound of crabmeat they pick. That pay is roughly one-tenth to one-twelfth of the wholesale price of one pound – or about a half of a kilogram – of the seafood they pick, which is $35 to $44. In comparison, the Maryland minimum wage is $13.25 an hour, while the federal minimum wage is $7.25.

[thicc-astronaut]

I understand that you would need a tool to help crack open a crab's shell to reach the succulent meat inside, but I think it's hilarious that there would be mallet for crabs specifically

Not like a general-use kitchen mallet. Crab mallet. Fuck crabs in particular. In this kitchen we have a mallet specifically for crabs. Women want me, crabs fear me because I have a mallet specifically for hitting crabs.

[crab-princess]

if ranryu is gonna be court jester then i demand parlay to be your executioner. actually real niceys irl. but im soo ready to be mean & ominous n absolutely devour your enemies ( ◡̀_◡́)ᕤ

in possession of a giant kirby-like mallet that gets bigger the angrier i get. it has a flat surface on one side (for looney-tunes-esque smashing and knocking mfs da fuk outta here!!) & a big coconut crab claw on the other end (primarily for decorative purposes, but also the snipsnip, for your most vile offenders). the mallet is cursed and causes me to be stoic and not easily angered whenever i wield it. 35% damage boost based on the moon cycle and +98 intelligence nerd. also competent in psychological warfare ⚠︎

OF COURSE. BY ALL MEANS, ENJOY UR CURSED RELICS AND KEEP THE JUSTICE AND THE PEACE. DEATH TO ALL ENEMIES AND SLANDERERS OF CRAB.

I love ur item descriptions btw, v gamer moves of u

[professorlizzard]

"Mat Mallet" said the corvid, extending a friendly hand. Mimichelle took it gingerly. "So, you are from Kinship, yeah?" "I am?" replied Mimichelle, voice trembling as if this would have been a faux pas. "Considered going there, a long time ago. Check in a hospital in Bayou maybe, see if I could get my left hand replaced." he clacked his clamp twice to accentuate this. "In the end, I have decided this fits my image more." Mimichelle was kinda speechless. Previously, she only wrote books on cyborg detectives. She never expected to meet a real one! With a real clamp! She absent mindedly turned her left hand into a crab pincer, and clacked twice in response. This might have been a real faux pas anywhere else, but Mat decided to let it slide.

[gayarograce]

It's dangerous to go alone... take this weapon to defend yourself... you will need it...

Defend myself from...? You? It is, of course, a crab mallet, and you, a crab.

[materialsscienceandengineering]

Don't toss that crab shell. A substance found in it could be key to renewable energy, researchers say

At summertime backyard feasts, crab shells are just a barrier between hunger and satisfaction. Marylanders smash the crustaceans' protective casings with wooden mallets, pick out the tasty meat and toss the remnants aside. But what if crab shells could have a bigger impact, playing a vital role in harnessing renewable energy and reducing planet-warming emissions? University of Maryland researchers are changing the way people look at those thin exoskeletons—investigating the feasibility of putting them to work in an innovative battery. "People never thought of that before," said Lin Xu, 31, a postdoctoral researcher in the Department of Materials Science and Engineering at College Park.

Read more.

[compostt]

is that a mallet in your pants or are you just am i just crab

[silverstream2]

For the AU where Abbie sticks around to help Dante raise Nero:

A young Nero (like, 8 or 10) discovering Agni and Rudra and making friends with them, clinging to them like teddy bears. I don't think he'd mind if they talked while he was kicking demon ass, just so long as they didn't do it in public. And they'd make good swords for the boy! Not his usual greatsword (Dante lets him train with Rebellion and Force Edge, until the events of Mallet Island, in which case Nero gets his own greatsword from the Order in Fortuna), but still good, and we all know Nero is good with fire. Dante probably gives him Ifrit, too.

Dante makes sure Agni and Rudra don't do anything to hurt Nero, on purpose or otherwise. The "otherwise" bit takes some flexibility, since Agni and Rudra don't really "get" humans/human society. This means they find Nero's homework very interesting, and sometimes Nero will bounce ideas off of them. Or just watch TV with them (I headcanon him as a TMNT fan), or read books to them. Its kinda sweet.

Other different things:

-Abbie is in charge of finances, which means Dante takes more mercenary jobs, bitch tho Dante might. Abbie tries to have Morrison and Enzo make sure its just bodyguard work, no assassinations or unnecessary killings. Dante needs to take care of Nero, and kids are expensive, so he does it anyway, even if he doesn't like it.

-Abbie also does the cleaning. And the, as she sees it, "easy stuff". Filing, planning appointments, getting groceries, cooking, picking Nero up and dropping him off at places. Because all that is just paperwork and running around- that's easy. Actually parenting is harder. And Dante is better at it with Nero than she is.

-Nero has a few new moves: Summoned Swords, like the ones Vergil uses, but also a stunning move, where Nero basically summons a ball of light and sound and concussive force to stun and confuse opponents. He can also control his Summoned Swords to go behind an enemy and then attack them from behind. Get inside their guard, kind of thing. He got the idea from Abbie telling him how to (have a better chance of) win(ning) at those dart games at carnivals: You throw the dart up at an angle, so that way it has more force when it hits the balloon. It still might not work, since carnival games are rigged all to shit, and Abbie would be very upfront with Nero and Dante about that. In that case, just go ahead and cheat/use demonic strength to throw the darts or whatever better than you would normally be able to. Abbie doesn't really see it as cheating, since the games are rigged in the first place.

-Nevan is in no way allowed around Nero, ever. Abbie threatened to stick Nevan in a trash can full of Holy Water and then stick said trash can in a walk-in freezer, encasing Nevan in Holy Ice if Nevan ever tried anything. Not that Dante would ever let her, but still.

-Assuming Dante and Nero move to Fortuna, Abbie would go with them and work as a bookshop keeper there, or a librarian. She basically gave up on going to college to learn devil hunting and help Dante protect/raise Nero. I'm not sure if Dante would move to Fortuna- the whole Order of the Sword thing makes his skin... not exactly crawl, but itch. All that worshipping of Sparda is just bizarre to him. And he doesn't want Nero getting a big head about his heritage. Yeah, Sparda was a great guy, and the power Nero inherited is immense, but still. Dante doesn't want Nero to end up being a dick about it. That, and the whole town is too much of a crab bucket for Dante yo really like living in. Abbie would probably hate it, too, but with the intent of trying to convince the crabs to get out of the bucket, as it were. Especially anyone Nero made friends with, like Kyrie or Credo.

If they don't move to Fortuna and Abbie still tries to stick around Dante to help out with Nero, I could see her, Dante, and Nero taking a trip to Fortuna when Nero is about 15 or so. Just so Nero can see the city, and know about the Order of the Sword. Dante hates the place, and none of them really trust the Order of the Sword, but Nero meets Kyrie there, and immediately becomes friends with her, so they all tolerate it. Abbie tries to get Kyrie out of Fortuna on trips with Nero. Something fun, like Nero taking Kyrie to a carnival and showing her around, or to Dumary Island to meet Lucia, or even just letting Kyrie hang out with Nero at Devil May Cry. Maybe Trish, Lady, and Patty could take her out for a girl's night out or something. God knows the girl could use it. Just. Something to try and show Kyrie that life outside her little cult town is actually fun and safe and worth living in, that she has other options if she wants to leave the Order. Things like that.

I'd write the same stuff for Credo, because I could see Abbie trying to get him out, too, given that he's Kyrie's older brother and all, I just don't know what age Credo is in DMC4, or how much older he was than Kyrie. So I'm not really sure what to do with him.

-Trying to figure out a way for Modius and Baul to still be alive, just because I could see Abbie trying to talk them all down from having a big fight to the death. I could also see Abbie putting a bullet in Sid's head the second she noticed Sid snooping around Dante and trying to use him for whatever weird shit Sid was doing that week. Because Abbie's not merciful as Dante. Especially if Sid threatens Nero. She's more... ruthless.

Which, y'know. Is kinda a big red flag.

"People don't understand the word 'ruthless'. They think it means 'mean'. It's not about being mean. It's not about being mean. It's about seeing the bright, clear line that leads from A to B. The line that goes from motive to means. Beginning to end. It's about seeing that bright, clear line and not caring about anything but the beautiful fact that you can see the solution. Not caring about anything else but the perfection of it."

-Animorphs, Book #30: The Reunion, pg. 71, by K.A. Applegate.

[puddlesl1me]

Silly Game Time: WEIRD GLADIATOR FIGHTS! Michelangelo, a renaissance sculptor who worked in marble to produce human-sized statues, and illegally disected corpses to teach himself human anatomy. He's armed with two mallets, a sharp chisel in his belt, and so much murderous rage because the Pope keeps insisting *he paint stuff* even though *he's a sculptor*, damn it! VS Caravaggio, a renaissance painter who liked to brawl (or maybe a brawler who liked to paint?) and probably murdered 3 people (at minimum). He's armed with a walking stick, a dagger, and a plate or artichokes. Also, he's fighting for another pardon for murder from the Pope.

You have $5 to wager on the winner (no split wagers). Place your bets!

caravaggio. murderous rage cant do crab against a knife and an actual brawler who's killed people. the mallets are useless and so is the chisel

[elmalo8291]

Let’s GO full throttle into the next course of dimensional, magical science cuisine! We’re taking the chaotic brilliance of Professor Fizzlewick and the precision-madness of The Professor, fusing them together, and dialing up the culinary alchemy.

🧠🦀 Dish #X: “Crab Claws of Chronoflame”

A reality-shifting seafood plate where time-baked claws are steamed, flash-frozen, pressure-cracked, and candy-coated… then served in reverse.

🦀 Real World Ingredient List:

Crab:

2 lbs snow crab clusters or king crab legs

1 tbsp black garlic paste

2 tbsp butter

Zest of 1 calamansi or lime

1 tsp maple syrup

Pinch of smoked paprika

Tiny pinch of citric acid

Candied Shell Crust:

1/2 cup sugar

1/4 cup fish sauce

1 tbsp white miso

1 tsp rice vinegar

1 tbsp mirin

1/2 tsp agar agar or cornstarch

“Time Reverse” Gel (Optional):

1 cup hibiscus tea

1 tsp edible gold shimmer

1/2 tsp xanthan gum or gelatin

1 drop chili oil for backheat

🧪 Science Techniques Used:

Technique Result Pressure cracking Separates shell from meat cleanly without smashing Candy shell crust Sugar + umami creates edible shell with caramel crunch Flash-freeze then torch Snap freeze crab after steaming, then torch caramel coat Hibiscus gel Adds tart floral counterbalance, optional shimmer for “time swirl” effect Reverse plating Serve in a spiral backwards-to-forwards arrangement: sauce first, claw last

🔥 Cooking Method:

Steam & Infuse: Steam crab until meat is just done, toss in black garlic butter with citrus zest, syrup, paprika, and a touch of acid. Let rest.

Pressure Crack: Use a vacuum-sealed bag and instant pressure (with a clean mallet or sous vide hack) to loosen the meat from the shell without shredding.

Make Candy Shell Glaze: Reduce sugar, fish sauce, miso, vinegar, mirin, and thickener until syrupy. Glaze over the crab meat and torch until crackly.

Prepare the Time-Reverse Gel: Steep hibiscus tea strong. Mix in gold shimmer, xanthan or gelatin, and set into a spiral mold. A drop of chili oil at the end activates heat as it melts.

✨ Plating:

Swirl the gel spiral on a cold plate (reverse timeline).

Add crab claws arranged from broken bite to whole candy-crusted claw.

Shatter the glaze at the table with the back of a silver spoon.

Serve with activated charcoal lemon mist (magic puff or dry ice steam for drama).

📓 Fizzlewick’s Notebook Margin:

“Chronoflame crust isn’t just tasty—it wards off minor time anomalies. DO NOT reheat these claws more than once or you may relive the 3rd grade.”

🧙‍♂️ Want Variants?

Chaos Variant – Add popping candy to the gel + citric fizz powder. Dangerous Flavor Variant – Infuse the miso glaze with scorpion chili and use high-proof alcohol to flambé the claws table-side. (🔥🔥🔥)

Substitutions: If you can’t get crab legs:

Use langoustines, prawns, or lobster medallions.

For the shell-crack illusion: wrap chicken tenders in nori, candy-glaze them, and finish under a broiler.

Would you like to follow this with a dimensional dessert, or shall we keep riding the savory chaos wave? I can also introduce multiverse meatballs, astral ribs, or a beastly stew cooked in an alchemical sphere.

Say the word—we GO. @comcastsuggestions