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occamstfs · 2 months ago

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Evo Bio 101

Annoyed at the prospect of wasting time during his simple lectures, Craig's misplaced ambitions lead to a first hand lesson in (d)evolutionary biology.

Was possessed by the idea and couldn't not write it haha! Here's a story taking hair growth and brutification to the extreme ! Hope you enjoy! -Occam

It’s not that Craig didn’t want to teach the class, he was grateful to have a chance to instruct on anything even remotely close to his research area. Intro to Evolutionary Biology was directly in his wheelhouse and given how cutthroat his department was he was more than happy to jump at the chance.

It’s just- the class was so introductory it’s insulting. The course is required for all students in the university’s tiny biological anthropology program and judging by the recommended syllabus given to him by the department head, there’s not a day where Craig is going to teach his students anything they don’t already know.

Complaining under his breath as he makes his way to the classroom across campus, the doctoral candidate wonders if any of his undergraduates are even going to show up given how remedial the material seems. Kicking the air he wishes to himself that he’ll get the chance to teach them something novel. To show them what their field is all about, how man became man rather than droll lectures on Darwin’s finches and Mendel’s peas.

As soon as he utters the words to no one he shivers and his skin prickles with goosebumps before he fully stumbles over himself just outside the classroom door. There’s a quiet buzzing in the air and he looks around to find its source before noticing the time on an overhead clock and realizing he’s already late. Bumbling into the classroom he adjusts his tie and apologizes as he rushes to get his laptop set up.

“Sorry guys! Always forget these dinky 101 courses are relegated to the middle of nowhere,” there are a few quiet laughs but the lecturer is sure they’re just trying to appease him. He knows because he’s laughed at countless half-jokes from professors over the years. Craig continues to awkwardly mumble to the class as he waits for his equipment to bootup. After getting his introductory powerpoint running he wipes his brow and for the first time turns to look at his small class.

It’s then that he notices how warm it is in the room. Wiping his forehead, his stuffy sleeve wicks sweat from his brow and he assumes it’s just from nerves at standing in front of the bored faces of students who have done nothing today but go over reading lists and play icebreakers. Might as well get this over with. “Welcome all to the intro course on Evolutionary Biology! I’ll be your instructor, Craig Stoll. See a few familiar faces around here from courses I’ve TAed, you guys can just call me Craig. I assume this is no one’s first rodeo-”

Craig opens his mouth to slyly complain about how basic the material is, to mock the university requiring people well on their way to becoming experts in the field to waste time going over the most absolute basics. But before he can speak, it’s like his throat has been zapped free of moisture. He tries to clear his throat a couple times, stretching open his mouth in between doing so as he struggles in front of his few students.

Smiling awkwardly as his forehead sweats even heavier under the bright lights above the lectern he turns and digs through his bag for the water bottle that scarcely leaves his side. Still turned away from the class he forces it to his lips and guzzles for a few seconds straight. After a moment he pauses and breathes heavily for a few seconds, gasping for air just as hungrily as he was gulping for water, and then he gets right back to it. Lifting the bottle perpendicular to the Earth as he drinks like he’s dying of thirst.

All students present eye him apprehensively, most of them had seen him countless times over the years sitting performatively uptight as he graded assignments and aided professors as needed. Never could they imagine him doing something so uncouth. One sophomore whispers to her neighbor, Dawson, concerned at how nervous the researcher seems. He replies mocking Craig, excited to see the meek man who gave him a 79 on a final last semester crash and burn.

Letting his bottle fall away once more there isn’t a thought in his mind questioning how peculiar what just happened was. He was thirsty, and now he no longer is. Simple. Craig turns back with a wide smile at his classroom clearing his throat once more this time successfully. He doesn’t notice how his voice echoes through the lecture hall, decidedly deeper than it should be, “Ahh, that’s better! Sorry again y’all!”

In the front row a student motions for him to wipe his face as water is clearly dripping down his ever-so-slightly shadowed jaw. Craig’s face burns red as he does so, for the first time realizing himself that he’s acting a tad strange. This is only more apparent as he feels a burp begin to rise. He did drink that water awfully fast. Before the thought even occurs to him to silence it he lets it loose, producing the loudest burp he’s ever heard. Stunning the classroom to silence.

Even the student eager to watch Craig fail was shocked enough to grimace in second hand embarrassment as he sees the man’s eyes dull while burping like an animal in front of his class before scrambling back to his senses. “Oh jeez, I don’t know what’s gotten into me today- Let’s just, uhm, get to it.”

Directing his class’ attention to the slides he squirms and adjusts his tie with sweaty palms as he realizes how uncomfortable his clothes feel all of a sudden. Struggling to get the thing loose he grunts and flexes his feet as he suddenly feels confined. Trapped in his shoes. Shaking his head to stay focused he pointedly ignores the feeling of his toes poking the front of his dress shoes and starts lecturing.

Clicking past the introduction his brow furrows as he sees the title of the first slide of substance, ‘What is Evolutionary Biology?’ Grunting once more, Craig scratches his chest as he can’t help but address what he thinks to be the elephant in the room, unaware of the eyes staring at him as his arms seem to be stretching out from their sleeves. Not noticing as his perpetually clean shaven face suddenly begins to sprout stubbly sideburns and a scratchy neckbeard.

No, suddenly the rising anger in his mind can’t help but address how stupid it is that his boss is making him explain to these people essentially majoring in evolutionary biology what those words mean. Clenching his jaw as he yanks the tie from his neck and tosses it to the floor he speaks up, his voice clearly rougher than it was even seconds ago, “This is- You all know what evolutionary biology is, obviously,” his voice cracks deeper as he tries to remove his jacket, ignoring how it gets stuck on arms that have impossibly begun to lengthen. Hanging lower and heavier as he struggles against clothes that suddenly feel like they’re holding him captive. “You all know already!”

He hammers a fist down onto his lectern and hears the sound of his shirt tearing from the back. Students flinch in shock and a few begin to gather their things as Craig stares at his arm. His hand shouldn't be that big. Isn’t that big. Seeing the few thick hairs starting to pepper his bulkier wrists, Craig turns to look down at his chest as it begins to grow, grunting ever deeper he stares as two meaty pecs begin to strain the button-up.

Hairs poke through the straining placket as they start to spread above the neckline. Every movement sends further sounds of tearing garment through the classroom as Craig tries to understand what he’s seeing. His voice sounds even duller, brutish even as he cries out, “What goin- What’s, grgh, happening to me-” Thicker fingers yank off his shirt sending sweat and buttons flying into the classroom, freeing pecs that were not there even a minute ago.

Many students begin to flee the classroom as their instructor begins feeling up his chest with hands growing hairier. The student who was initially concerned dials emergency services as she ditches her laptop and begins to race out the door, terrified as Craig’s thickening brows start to just out further from his forehead. The man who was waiting to watch him awkwardly stumble over his words rather than join his fleeing cohort just watches enthralled. Staring at his widening jaw as it is promptly covered with a thick beard.

Unaware of the small horde of students in flight from his lecture as his newly fat palms cup itching pecs as they grow meatier, Craig groans and apologizes to whoever remains as he leans underneath the small podium to deal with the sharp pain in his shoes. His ass bursts free from his pants, exposing briefs barely holding up and cheeks that are rapidly being decorated by a forest of fur. His wider back bumps into the lectern as he struggles to free his thick feet from shoes that were already a tad too snug.

Speaking accompanied by the sound of his tearing at leather shoes, Craig tries to continue the lecture in between increasingly common grunts, “So me, unh- I think you uhhh- you know this evo- uhh” The one remaining student, Dawson, begins creeping closer, deadset to see this through to the end. Slowly pulling out his phone and setting it to record what is clearly some impossible miracle of science. Some reversion towards a more primal state, a devolution. Dawson smirks as he imagines how far this will set him ahead in the field.

Craig finds himself suddenly much less preoccupied with said science as he frees his newly hairy feet from their binds, leaving sweat steaming off of their wider soles as they continue to crack larger. Instead, mind leaking intelligence, he begins to drool and quietly grunt to himself as his cock begins to throb. Buried in a bush of thick and curled pubes which are themselves haloed by massive burly thighs, his rougher hands easily claw off his briefs to free his bobbing cock. Dripping with pre he sees veins visibly pulsing as what must be a foreskin begins to encroach towards a head almost purple and pre-covered.

Dawson sneaks onward, zooming in to capture how Craig’s beard raises higher on his face to meet with the hair on his head growing wild. His eyes flicker across strange bulging muscles on his instructor’s shoulders as they’re rapidly blanketed by a forest of curls thicker than his own pubes. The student's mouth slightly waters as he adjusts the frame to capture the man’s massive hands as he begins to masturbate in the classroom. And then he drops his phone.

On high alert, the man-no-longer jumps with a start and hits his head on the lectern, guffawing as he rubs the spot he foolishly bumped. Falling to the floor himself, Dawson is torn between fleeing like the rest of his wiser cohort and staring at a living breathing caveman. He can’t resist simply being the first man to witness prehistory.

Beyond that, Dawson can’t help but stare at the exposed pits of a man he assumed was as smooth as marble. He’s almost possessed, staring at the wild jungle of pit hair that flies free from the brute’s raised arm, dripping with sweat. There are almost visible stink lines as body odor that hasn’t been found on the earth for thousands of millenia begins to fill the room. And the longer he stares, the longer he smells, he begins to lose any will to do anything but submit.

Perhaps it’s simply a biological reaction that Dawson finds himself rooted to the spot, taking in heady breaths of the fetid scent. Why else would his mouth fall open as his cock starts to rise at the sight, Craig speaks up seeing his own remaining pupil sitting there in some state between primal lust and fear. Feeling his cock bob against the podium and seeing himself nude in this clinical classroom, some semblance of self returns to the once-doctoral candidate.

“Dawsugh- Need help. Cra-ug ugh- Crag need help, nowugh” His jaw stings with pain as it widens more, his lips struggling to create sounds he knows he should be able to. As he stares down on the male planted on the ground he feels those bizarre instincts begin to return once more. His skin prickles, back cracking as it compacts while his chest grows wider with every heaving breath. Putting on mass as his mind begins to grow foggy once more.

Crag struggles to stay focused, struggles to remember who he is, what he’s doing. What that strange rectangle is at this lesser man’s feet. But with every precious second his twenty-first century concerns begin to evaporate. Worries about the grind of academia, disdain at being shoehorned into reading powerpoints no one cares to hear, the monotony of driving home in rush hour traffic. Everything begins to fade. Everything that is, besides the need to dominate the hairless, beta man staring at him.

Dawson can scarcely make heads or tails of what happens next as he sees the brute pounce on him. He feels the man’s calloused hands tear at his clothes and lies in repose, waiting for whatever Crag, apparently, is to do next. Desperately wanting fulfillment no man has experienced before. His hands clutch the caveman-apparent’s back, feeling the scratch of hair thicker than man can grow and the bulging sticky muscle beneath.

Feeling the man’s river of precum dripping down his abs, Dawson begins to feel the prickle of his treasure trail regrowing as his feverish mind realizes his future far too late. Every inch of skin touching the man begins to change likewise. Arms he was never shy of lengthen just as he saw his least favorite TA’s did minutes ago, decorated with hair and bulging larger with thick muscle.

Even quicker than he witnessed happening to Craig er, Crag, hair begins to engulf him. The concerted efforts towards maintaining his clean-cut appearance is absolutely erased as every inch of his form prickles with thick, dark hair growth. Crag sloppily kisses him and leaves a growing beard in the wake of his tongue. Forearms that have had the lightest coat of blonde peach fuzz erupt with fark jungles of hair before launching even further, coating his increasingly clumsy fingers and biceps twitching stronger with every haphazard movement.

Dawson’s hips reflexively hump into the man dominating him. His changing cock scratches against the man’s essentially fur covered torso which only heightens the student’s rapturous delight and accelerates his transformation. In no time at all the complexities and desires of the life he lived are wiped and replaced by a need to do nothing more than seek sustenance and pleasure. To serve and be served by the Crag who begins to hoist him against a wall and hump.

His handsome face changes, bones restructuring as hands he doesn’t recognize as he clings to Crag who is more monster than man. Feeling his rising cock rubbing against his new alpha’s as it begins to change he knows he is on the fast track to join him. He feels his vocal chords thickening as he cries out in ecstasy, Crag finally claiming what is his. Longer toes burst through tennis shoes, curling on the floor as nails yellow and thicken.

Dawson’s sharper and larger teeth bite Crag’s shoulder as they continue to frot and fuck. They continue until their sweat and ancient semen coats much of the room, their new balls having apparently quite the short refractory period. When they finally tire or get bored their snores sound loud enough to break glass as they curl up together somewhere behind the podium. Bonded mates of a world that hasn’t existed for hundreds of thousands of years.

Well before the pair were done with consummating their new forms, the whole building was placed on lockdown. Quarantine crews working hastily to contain whatever impossible pathogen has apparently begun to infect the campus. Scientists across the world wait with bated breath from some update on whatever impossible goings on are hidden behind that yellow quarantine tape. Hearing the horrified testimonies of those students that escape does little to sate their curiosities, though it does invite them to be lab rats as scientists watch each and every one of them hoping to observe their own prehistoric changes.

It’s only a matter of time before some foolhardy explorer or researcher desperate for a discovery breaks the seal and finds something they could never be prepared for. Sooner rather than later the mounting need to know will be insurmountable. Sooner rather than later whatever this plague of the past they tried to keep behind lock and key will spread. And then those foolish enough to remain nearby will get a first hand experience on the nature of evolutionary biology. And to think, Craig Stoll was so concerned that nothing of note would come of the course.

#male tf #mental change #muscle tf #hair growth #reality change #dumber #personality change #musk tf #devolution #male transformation

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silens-oro · 2 months ago

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Well Enough Alone: Part I

Not all fics have adult content, but this blog is 18+. Andrew "Pope" Cody x f!Reader (nicknamed Hawk) Prologue

Masterlist Pope Cody Playlist

General Synopsis: Hawk juggles her life between Julia, Julia's son J, and the Cody family. Slow Burn. Word Count: 5,335 (lmao I'm cooked) Content Warning: No description of the reader, other than the nickname. Warnings will be updated chapter by chapter. Mentions of cps, drugs, overdoses, death & prison. A/N: Thank you to everyone who gave support on the prologue (linked above). This fic is a passion project that I hope you'll enjoy! As always, my inbox is open.

The chatter around Smurf’s dinner table stopped on a dime after Hawk’s question. Has anyone heard from Pope? After a particularly upsetting visit to Julia’s, it got her thinking about him. He had been gone six months and those six months seemed to pass relatively quickly for her. Of course they did. She wasn’t locked in a cell with god knows who, surrounded by people that wanted to beat her ass -or worse. Hawk couldn’t imagine how he survived every second that passed in Folsom.

Baz, Deran, and Craig looked at Smurf, then looked at Hawk. She eyed Hawk carefully and Hawk was the first to break eye contact, knowing how the pecking order went under Smurf's roof.

“Just wondering if anyone has gone to see him is all,” Hawk muttered, going back to the chicken on her plate.

“You know we can’t visit him, baby. He’s got a lawyer, and money on his books -he’s taken care of.” Smurf tried to placate Hawk. “He does call once in a while when he’s up to it, and he’s doing the best that he can. Pope’s strong. He’ll get through this. He always does.” It didn’t sit right with her. Hawk knew why they couldn’t go to the prison to see him, she got it, but it still felt wrong. Pope was their family and they just…left him.

Abandonment when there was no more use seemed like a reoccurring Cody trait if Hawk ever saw one, though she never voiced that opinion out loud.

“Yeah, I understand.” That ended the tense conversation and chatter picked back up around the table.

It took a lot of hyping herself up for the 9 hour drive up to Folsom from Oceanside when Hawk decided to book her visiting slot. When Pope was initially locked up, Smurf had Hawk listed on his approved visitors list for emergency purposes because she was disconnected from any Cody shenanigans and had a clean record. Hawk never really thought she would actually make the trip north -not until she realized just how long Pope was destined to be up there like an animal with zero support on the outside other than a few bucks for commissary.

Hawk also wasn’t confident that Pope would even want to see her to begin with, especially if things were much worse on the inside than he was letting on to Smurf. Folsom had its reputation for a reason.

In a way Hawk always held a torch for the Pope, even as teens, but he never noticed it or chose to ignore it. Either way, the unrequited longing was still present now well into her thirties, and it wigged her out the longer she thought about it. Hawk told herself that if he rejected her visit, her feelings wouldn’t be hurt, but even the thought of that very real possibility was almost enough to make her turn around and tuck tail back home.

Pope needed support, Hawk told herself, letting the endless freeway in front of her distract her enough to keep going. He wasn’t getting it from his family and Hawk knew he didn’t really have friends -none of them did, really- and definitely not anyone who would drive nine hours to see him. It broke her heart a little. Even if he rejected her visit, it wasn’t a mistake. Showing him that she cared would let him know that he’s not alone. That there was someone on the outside who genuinely cared about him and his well-being .

To Hawk’s surprise, Pope accepted the visit. Generally the inmates don’t know who is waiting for them in the visiting room, just that they’re on the approved list, so imagine Pope’s surprise when he saw Hawk sitting on the other side of the cubicle, fidgeting as she waited for him to come out. Pope was an incredibly difficult man to read under normal circumstances, but the confusion was clear as day on his face when Hawk finally looked up from her hands and saw him coming her way. His right eye held remnants of fading bruises and the left corner of his downturned mouth had a mostly healed split.

God knows what happened to him in there, she thought to herself.

Picking up the receiver on Hawk’s end, she held it up to her ear. Pope took his time picking up the phone receiver from the other side of the glass and held it to his own ear.

“Hi,” Hawk said after a few beats. Pope didn’t respond for a few moments, but he kept his eyes locked on Hawk.

“Smurf send you?” His voice was raspy like he hadn’t used it much, and he probably hadn’t.

“No, she doesn’t know I’m here.” Both of his brows raised at this. His eyes, ever observant, were watching Hawk every move from her picking the skin around Hawk finger nails nervously, to the way Hawk’s eyes couldn’t keep contact with him for more than a few seconds at a time. She was nervous, that much he could tell.

“Does anyone know you’re here?” His eyes narrowed. She knew it was a stupid idea to take the nine hour drive by herself, but she couldn’t imagine being stuck in a car with Deran or Craig for that long -if they even wanted to go with her. Baz would’ve told her to go fuck herself for even asking.

“No.” Hawk spoke softly with a sigh, scratching the back of her neck.

“You’re a long way from home, Hawk. You should’ve brought someone.”

“I didn’t want to, and they were too chicken shit to come anyway, otherwise they would’ve already made the trip.” Hawk didn’t mean to answer so rigidly, and it got the most minute reaction out of Pope -a small twitch in his right eye- but Hawk’s anxiety was in overdrive. She hadn’t spoken to Pope and just Pope in years. There was always a buffer whether it was in the shop or at Smurfs and he never spoke to her first.

“If Smurf didn’t send you, then why are you here?” Pope leaned forward towards the scratched plexiglass, his voice lowering even further. If Hawk made the nine hour drive north, something had to have happened at home.

“I…” Hawk hesitated. What could Hawk say to him? “I spoke with Smurf the other night. I asked about you. She more or less said that none of them were coming up here for obvious reasons and it got me thinking…” Pope, ever stoic, stared unblinking as he listened to Hawk ramble. “I’m disconnected from everything and I’m already approved, so I figured I could make the drive to visit you. I’m sorry for not giving you a heads up, but I figured you could do with knowing there is someone on the outside who cares about you. I can’t begin to imagine your situation,” Pope almost laughed -situation. “If you’re fine with it, I wouldn’t mind coming up here every couple of weeks during visiting hours? But if you’re not cool with it that’s fine too. The ball’s in your court. I don’t want to overstep anymore than I have already.”

Pope blinked, studying Hawk with an intensity only he was capable of, and nodded ever so slightly after what seemed like forever. A weight was instantly lifted from Hawk’s shoulders. The timid smile she gave him made the corner of his mouth twitch ever so slightly, but Hawk caught it and she locked it away for a time she needed to think back on it.

That little grin alone made the trip worth it.

Those visits continued every two to three weeks on Saturdays or the occasional Sunday if her schedule didn’t allow it -the prison allotting four hours of visitation a month total if the inmate was on good behavior- and while Pope never really said much, Hawk knew he appreciated her being there even if it was an adjustment for him in the beginning. It was essentially a one sided yap session where Hawk updated him on Julia -only when he asked, and what was going on in her life. He never asked about his brothers or Smurf and Hawk was grateful for it. Their arrangement was separate from the family. It was something that was just theirs and theirs alone, and Pope wouldn’t let it bleed over if he could help it.

Two and a half years later and the calls and visits to Pope had become a routine. Pope knew that every two weeks, Hawk would be on the other side of that plexiglass like clockwork. The routine was good for him. It was something he could look forward to when everything else had gone to shit. He wouldn’t admit it, but Hawk was the sole reason he survived his three year lockup. It was her voice he heard when his cell was silent. It was her face he saw when he closed his eyes at night. He thought about her in every way a man could, especially when he had the cell to himself at certain points of the day. Her visits were something he looked forward to, something constant that made waking up the next day worthwhile.

The yearly parole hearings had become a routine as well, but so was their rejection. Pope didn’t expect to be released with the first hearing, but Hawk could see that he was deeply affected by it when she saw him two days after they rejected him. By the time the second rejection came, he was more settled with the idea that he wasn’t leaving. When his third year rolled around, Hawk could tell he was getting antsy when he called her to talk about the new parole hearing that had been scheduled for two weeks out.

“I don’t know why they waste their time when they already know I’m not going anywhere,” Pope told her. He was agitated before the call even connected -something had to have happened prior to the call that worked him up, and Hawk tried to get him to settle down so he didn’t have a meltdown.

“Don’t give them a reason to say no, Pope.” She warned him. “You’ve kept your head down and stayed out of trouble in there this long. That good behavior has to show for something. I’m with you either way, alright?” Hawk was stirring the contents of the pan she had going on the stove for her and J. A simple pasta with chicken and veggies in a white wine sauce was quick to throw together and her stomach growled just by smelling it.

“Alright.” Pope breathed into the phone. “Listen…maybe you shouldn’t take the trip out to Bakersfield this time.” It was Hawk’s idea to drive halfway to Folsom when Pope had his hearings. She’d book a hotel room in Bakersfield, and she’d wait for his call to hear what the parole board had to say. If he was released, it would be an easier four and a half hour drive to get him and if he wasn’t, then Hawk only had half the distance to drive back home. She made the time in her schedule and she had the means, but Pope still didn’t like her doing it.

“Stop, Pope. Don’t start with this. You still have two weeks before anything happens. I know it’s hard and it sounds cheesy as shit, but you have to stay positive. They can’t keep you in there forever, not with the charges you had. You’ll get out. You just have to hold on til then.”

J walked through the door right on schedule as she turned the burner off. He waved, but bypassed the kitchen and went straight to his room. Hawk pulled the phone away from her face and called out “Five minutes!” to which J yelled back with a ‘K!’ as she pulled some plates down from the overhead cupboard.

“What was that?” Pope asked, curiosity getting the better of him.

“I’m watching a friend’s kid while she’s out of town.” Hawk explained, a little white lie. “Nothing to worry about.”

“She’s not waking up.” J’s voice was oddly calm when Hawk answered her phone from a deep sleep a few days after her call with Pope. She rubbed her eyes, sitting up in bed, and looked down at the clock on her phone before bringing it back up to her ear.

“What?” She yawned, groaning as she sat up. J explained that he went to grab something from Julia’s apartment before school when he found her unresponsive on the sofa, arm extended over the edge and a used syringe on the floor under it.

“What do I -do I call an ambulance? Her lips are blue, Hawk. She’s…stiff.” Hawk jumped out of bed, pulling on the first pair of shoes she saw as she stumbled through her house and out to her car. She and J had close calls with Julia too many times in the past to keep track of, but J’s voice sounded different this time around.

“Is she breathing at all, J? Any sign of life?” The other line was silent, then a whispered “No.”

“Alright. I need you to go outside for me, okay? Stay outside. I’ll be there in five minutes. Just…stay put and stay on the line with me. I’m going to get an ambulance on the way, just hold on.” Tears lined her eyes and her throat started to choke up. Hawk mentally prepared herself over the years for this day that she knew was going to come sooner or later, but for it to actually happen was another thing entirely.

Hawk spoke to the coroner when she got to the complex, and explained Julia’s situation. The scene was quick to process. Overdoses were frequent in this neighborhood, and at this complex in particular. Police, ambulance, CPS -everyone was at the small complex documenting the scene -talking to her and J, separately.

“I don’t need to go with you. I’m seventeen-” J started to argue with the officer and CPS case worker who were talking to him about thirty feet away from Hawk. All she could see was J shaking his head, pointing in her direction, and his mouth moving a mile a minute.

J pointed to Hawk again and all she could do was stand off to the side and watch as he was escorted to the back of the awaiting CPS van. Her chin dropped to her chest as the tears broke free in a steady stream.

The full body scream Hawk let loose was so intense that she felt her teeth vibrate. Her forehead smashed down on the steering wheel once, twice, then a third time and she ripped at her hair. Anger, frustration, desperation, and grief all swirled together through her like some kind of fucked up cyclone, pulling every bit of sanity she had left out of her.

“That can’t be right,” Hawk insisted, leaning over Sandra the Social Worker’s desk. “Janine wanted nothing to do with Julia or J for the last seventeen years. She can’t be the next of kin.”

“Janine Cody is his legal next of kin per the State of California. I’m sorry, but there is nothing more I can do at this point. She’s already been contacted and she’s willing to take him in. That’s all I can tell you.”

“But I’m his emergency contact for everything. I have been since he was two. He can’t go to those people, Sandra. Janine isn’t fit to care for him, much less any child. J’s never met her and his mother kept it that way for a reason. He already has a room in my house. I am more than equipped to take care of him -I’ve been doing it the last fifteen years.” Hawk was desperate. “I have a business, I can pass a drug test, I’ve never been arrested. I can do…uh I can do home visits as often as you need them done. I-I own a home, I have a college fund for him. I’ll jump through any hoops you need me to because you can’t uproot him to give him to strangers, Sandra. How-how is that supposed to be what’s best for him?” Sandra held her hand out to stop Hawk from continuing.

“I know this is difficult to navigate, but this is the law. Had his mother gone through the proper channels and made you co-guardians, we’d be having a different conversation. That being said, because you have been caring for him for so long, there are routes for you to take that can get you in front of a judge to plead your case if that’s the direction you need to go.” She handed Hawk a pamphlet and told her that was all she could do for her. That entire conversation felt like a punch to the kidney.

Over.

And Over.

Hawk couldn’t take Smurf to court. Financially she could, but Smurf would sooner drown her in a toilet before they even saw the first court date. Hawk couldn’t take on Smurf and win, not while she had her boys to protect her, and that was a hard pill to swallow, but for J’s sake she did. Hawk wasn’t any use to him if she was dead and she’d do anything in her power to protect him. He was legally Smurf’s for less than one year, then he’d be eighteen and off to college as far away from Smurf as he could possibly go.

Hawk held herself together as best as she could as she stood up, thanked Sandra for her time, and beel-ined it out of the CPS office doors to her car so she could meltdown in relative peace.

“I’m so sorry, Julia.” She whispered against the steering wheel as she cried.

Hawk’s house had never felt so empty in the fifteen years she lived in it. It was stifling, uncomfortable. Grabbing a bottle of white wine from her wine fridge, she popped the cork and took it outside to the back porch. Hawk sat on the outdoor sofa, her legs twisted under her, and sipped straight from the bottle as she stared at the endless horizon for the next couple of hours. She was about three quarters of the way through the bottle when her phone rang, breaking the tranquil silence as she watched the sun set.

“Shit,” Wiped at her eyes and took a deep breath. She didn’t want to answer it, but she never missed a single call from Pope. Not once. Her emotions were all over the place and she was teetering over the edge of buzzed, toeing the threshold into the worst drunk night of her life. She couldn’t talk to Pope when she was like this, but she couldn’t just let it ring. With one more deep breath, she swiped on her exhale.

“This is a collect call from Folsom State Prison on behalf of-“ “Andrew Cody” Pope’s voice interrupted the automated message before it continued. “Do you accept the charges to connect the call?”

“Yes.” It rang once, then connected. “Hey, Pope." Hawk’s voice was raspy and airy, her vocal cords damaged from her trip to the CPS offices earlier in the day. He clocked her immediately.

“Are you okay?” His tone was all business. Pope was the first person to ask her that since everything went to ship and she wanted to tell him the truth. No, she wasn’t okay. She was grieving, she was devastated, and there wasn’t a single soul she could talk to about it. Pope asked, but Hawk couldn’t unload on him -especially when it was about his sister. She doubted Smurf clued him in to all that’s happened in the last week and Hawk didn’t want to drop this kind of news on him when he still had another week until his parole hearing.

Her mourning would remain between herself and the wine bottle for now.

“I’m fine, Pope. Just had a…really rough couple of days, but I don’t need to complain to you. You’ve got enough to worry about without me adding anything to it.” Her words had a slight slur and Pope knew she wasn’t a drinker, not anything more than a glass of wine at dinner or a beer here and there. Hawk didn’t get drunk, so to hear her teetering was just alarming enough for Pope to keep her on the line as long as he was allowed to. Hawk tried to hide a small sniffle as she wiped her nose on her sleeve, but nothing got by him. She was crying, or had been at least. Something was very wrong.

“You gotta let me in, Hawk.” His voice rasped, his brain working overtime to figure out the best way to navigate. “I called because I wanted to hear your voice. Talk to me.” He coaxed. “About anything. I just want to hear you.”

Hawk was clicking through the channels on the hotel’s tv when her cell rang. Pressing the mute button on the remote, she was quick to answer her cell.

“This is a collect call from Folsom State Prison on behalf of-“ “Andrew Cody” “Do you accept the charges to connect the call?”

“Yes.” Tossing the remote into the bed, Hawk put the phone on speaker. It rang once and then Hawk could hear noise on the other end as it connected. “Hello?”

“They did it.” Hawk swayed on the bed, blinking as if that would help process what he said.

“They did it? Are you serious?” Of course he was serious. Pope was only serious. Hawk couldn’t believe what she was hearing and needed him to confirm it.

“Three years and nineteen days later, yeah.” She fell back against the mattress in relief. “You in Bakersfield? If not, I can take a bus-”

“-I can be there in four hours, tops.” Hawk cut him off. “Been gnawing off my goddamn fingernails waiting to hear from you. I’m just…really happy it’s good news this time around, Pope”

The remainder of Hawk’s final ride to the prison was filled with jitters and absolute silence.

Pope was getting released.

Pope was free.

The four hours passed by quicker than Hawk would’ve liked, anticipation gnawing so badly at her stomach and chest that she was sure she was developing an ulcer. She sat parked outside of the prison for another hour and a half -waiting, continuing to mindlessly gnaw at her already raw fingertips before a buzzing sound filled the immediate area. Hawk caught movement coming out of a secured gate to the right of where she had parked and within seconds, Pope was walking out, his eyes scoping the lot.

Trying to play it cool, Hawk kept herself seated against the hood of her small SUV, but the reality was that she feared she’d make an absolute fool out of herself if she seemed too eager to go to him.

Seeing Pope for the first time in three years without a sheet of bulletproof Plexiglas between them was jarring. Seeing him not in an orange jumpsuit was also jarring. He had definitely put on muscle in his time locked up. Not that he was beefy, but he was sturdy, strong, immovable. Solid.

Pope didn’t carry anything other than a manila file in his hand. He stopped walking when he spotted Hawk, eyes squinting in the harsh California sunlight. Hawk took that as her que to start walking towards him. They both looked each other up and down, assessing the other before Hawk stopped just before him. Pope’s mind went to their call from the previous week, the call Hawk was definitely drunk for. He could see it on her face, whatever she was going through had taken the spark that she had when she came to visit him. Pope couldn’t see her eyes past her dark sunglasses, but he could tell she was slightly off. Pope didn’t mention it out loud, but he did take a mental note.

Hawk held out her hand, his sunglasses perched in her palm on offer to him. She was mindful to swipe them from Smurf’s when he went up for parole the first time and held onto them with a little pile of his belongings. His head dropped down and he smiled. Not a tilt or a minor lift -a genuine smile, Simple’s on full display, then he looked at Hawk with an emotion that she couldn’t register, but he was happy and that’s all that mattered in that moment. It was a win for her after so many losses. Pope took the shades out of her palm gently and placed them on his face, a small ‘thank you’ leaving him.

“Can I?” Hawk’s question was hesitant as she tested the waters, giving him the opportunity to initiate any contact. Pope raised a brow, but lifted his arms just high enough to let Hawk know he was alright with it. With all the relief and joy in Hawk’s heart, she wrapped her arms around his waist and held him tightly. His body immediately tensed at the contact after going so long without, but when Hawk went to let go he wrapped his arms around her shoulders to pull her back to him. Hawk felt Pope’s chest expand as he nuzzled his face to the crown of her head, breathed in deep, held it and then exhaled.

“It’s good to have you back, Pope.” Hawk spoke softly into his shirt before letting him go. She felt the pinch of tears starting to spring, but willed herself to hold them back. “Come on, let’s get you to the hotel. I have the room for the night anyway and it’s a long drive back. Doubt you’ll want to sit in the car that long.”

“You could drag me behind it the whole way home and it wouldn't hold a candle to being in there.” He nodded to the prison with a grimace.

“Hold onto that thought,” Hawk chuckled, “For now, we’re going to Bakersfield. You hungry?” This brought another grin to his face.

“Starving.”

“Does anyone know you’re out?” Hawk popped a fry in her mouth as Pope savored his second burger, bypassing the fries. The sky was shades of periwinkle and pink as the sun began to set. They were currently sitting at a table outside of an In-N-Out that was halfway to their hotel so Pope could enjoy his first meal out in the fresh air before the sun set for the first time in three years.

“Nope.” Not knowing what to say, Hawk just nodded slowly knowing his unexpected return to the Cody residence in the morning was going to be a shit show.

“Alright.“ They finished their meals in relative peach. Pope would glance over to Hawk behind his sunglasses. He wasn’t trying to hide it. Three years in prison for anyone would do just about anyone in when it came to consensual intimacy.

When they got back to the hotel Hawk could feel Pope’s eyes on her the whole time they were in the elevator and as Hawk led him down the hall until they reached the door. It was familiar, a little unnerving, but otherwise comfortable.

“This extra key is for you,” Hawk handed Pope the duplicate. “Not sure if you’ll get restless and want to wander a bit.” He took it and stowed it away in his front pocket. “Room 426” Hawk said out loud as she tapped the keycard against the mechanism. A burst of air conditioning hit Pope and he closed his eyes at the feeling. When he opened them again Hawk was standing inside, holding the door open for him patiently.

“I haven’t claimed a bed yet, so pick whichever one you want” Hawk offered as he stepped through the threshold. The bed closest to the door was the obvious answer for Pope as he sat on the corner of the mattress. He nearly groaned at the softness of it. His brain went to Hawk’s safety first, not that he was expecting anything to happen. This was one of the nicer hotels in the area, but it was still Bakersfield and he would -without a second thought- put himself in harm's way for her if need be. Of that he was absolutely certain.

“I’ve been collecting some of your things from Smurf’s since you told me about the hearing that was coming up -just in case. I felt good about the odds this time around.” Hawk placed a small duffel on his bed with a gentle smile and sat on her bed opposite of him. “I didn’t go through your stuff or anything, just your clothes and some things I thought you’d want for tonight and tomorrow.” Pope unzipped the bag and poked around in it, checking out what she brought. A change of clothes, underwear and socks, a new razor and shaving cream, stuff for a shower, and a pair of sneakers.

“How’d you get this out without Smurf noticing?” Hawk’s sly grin made the corner of his mouth tilt.

“I’ve been known to have sticky fingers in my youth. While I may be out of practice, I’m unseen when I need to be.”

“You?” Pope didn’t look convinced. “Little Miss Five Finger Discount?”

“I was a troubled youth.” Hawk laughed. “And stupid. Don’t need me to tell you that.”

“Nah,” Pope shook his head, his voice soft. “You were never stupid. Probably the smartest out of all of us.”

“That’s not saying much.” She joked, getting a ghost of a chuckle out of Pope. “I only smartened up before I could get caught.”

“Getting caught was more of Julia’s thing.” Hawk’s stomach sank at the mention of her friend and Pope noticed a change in demeanor, though she tried to mask it. He was more observant than the average person, Hawk had to remind herself, especially watching his own back for three years. Pope could read people and she felt entirely exposed in front of him. He was right about her eyes when they were outside of the prison.

“What happened?” Hawk took a moment to compose her thoughts.

“I really don’t know if it’s my place to say or if this is where I should say it.” Hawk’s eyes didn’t meet his.

“Did something happen to Julia?” Pope’s feelings about his sister were complicated and conflicting. She was a junkie and she betrayed the family -abandoned Pope. He cut contact with her the day she bailed out of Smurf’s house and only got updates through Hawk when Hawk wanted to give them. Hawk only spoke about Julia, never her son. They knew of J’s existence, but not his name, and J didn’t know about their’s -other than that they were out in the world. J didn’t know their names, how old they were, what they looked like. Well, he did, but he didn’t know that they were related to him. Even at her worst, Julia stressed to Hawk that he couldn’t be a part of their world and Hawk had failed her miserably.

Hawk leaned her elbows on her thighs and dropped her face into her hands for a moment before sitting up straight.

“She’s gone, Pope.” Hawk’s voice was just above a whisper, so soft he almost didn’t hear it. Pope’s expression didn’t change, but Hawk saw a shift in his eyes.

“OD?” Hawk nodded. It was always a matter of when with Julia, not if, and it hurt Hawk’s heart to think that even if it was true. Pope blinked a few times, his jaw clenching and unclenching. “When?”

“About a week ago. Funeral’s in two days. I didn’t want to tell you before the hearing in case it went south and I didn’t want you to focus on anything other than possibly getting out, ya know?” He nodded, jaw clenching harder, and stood with the duffel bag. He looked down at Hawk, the space between his brows pinched like he wanted to say something, but took the bag and made his way over to the bathroom. “Pope?” He stopped, but didn’t turn around. “I’m really sorry.” He ultimately stepped forward without another word, without acknowledging Hawk, and locked himself in the bathroom.

Hawk’s head dropped back down into her hands. Pope didn’t know the situation with J -yet, and Hawk had no idea what he was going to do when he did.

Please like, comment & reblog :)

#pope cody x reader #animal kingdom imagine #andrew pope cody #pope cody #animal kingdom tnt #shawn hatosy #well enough alone universe

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gothghostiie · 4 months ago

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being friends with someone from a different wealth class is so weird because. why are you genuinely shocked and amazed as you tell me that your weekly grocery cost is just a third of what it used to be now that you're shopping at a discounter without brand names - and why do you expect me to be as shocked and amazed??

anyways this makes me think of graves so much. that fucker grew up wealthy - not even necessarily rich, but very comfortable. upper middle class and above. it has been this way all his life and still is, he earns good money. house is decently big (far too big for one person), he drives a nice, new car, has a new phone, goes on vacations, shops brand names; whether it be clothes or food or god knows what. he doesn't think twice when he needs something, things that break or need replacement out of nowhere wont leave him with no food for the rest of the month. this is normal, his normal. the people around him are the same, so he doesn't know anything else.

that is until he meets you. you didn't grow up nearly as wealthy as he did. you wouldn't necessarily call yourself poor either, but money was always an issue, you never really went on vacations, never had the newest phone, the newest car, trendy clothes or furniture. brand names are out of question unless they're at the thrift shop for cheap, sudden expenses meant a lot of stress, money almost never went into savings and if it did it got taken out rather quick out of necessity. shopping at the thrift, at discounters, couponing, shopping for specials, planning meals after what's on sale this week. you barely got to get treats or anything out of the regular budget really, no matter how little or big it was.

now imagine graves surprised when you start dating and he sees the cracked phone screen on the rather old model, the old car that's not even second hand anymore, more like 4th hand at this point. the small apartment you live in, the furniture you mostly thrifted or took from your childhood room, the very loud washing machine that seems to be at the risk of falling apart if you look at it wrong. the clothes that are thrifted, hand me downs or even handmade, the shoes that have seen better days. he's shocked and genuinely a bit concerned, because what is this? why and how do you live like this? fridge stocked with a bit more than the necessities, panty full of generic food brands. When he goes shopping with you he's surprised by you not pulling into the same stores he frequents, surprised at how you compare prices, how you seem to only get what you wrote on your list, nothing more. his baffled when your total comes out to be not even a third of what he usually pays - and even more when you take off around 25% more by coupons.

it also breaks his heart when you call him crying about how your fridge broke, sobbing into the phone as he's just stunned - what do you mean you can't afford a new fridge? something you need? he's shocked when you tell him that you found a cheap one on Craig's List but that it's still so much, but you need it and it frustrates you badly - he can barely even comfort you because he's so genuinely shocked. it's only then when it sinks in just how differently you live. how wealthy and well off he actually is. and how you didn't even think to ask him to lend you money for a new fridge, almost cussing him out for even suggesting it because there's no way you can ever pay that back.

the delivery men still knock at your door the same afternoon and graves is getting another equally tearful call, being cussed out and thanked over and over again.

#gothghostiie #graves #Phillip graves #graves x reader #Phillip graves x reader #graves cod #cod graves #Commander graves #Commander graves x reader #Commander Phillip graves #Commander Phillip graves x reader #cod mw #cod mw2 #cod mwii #call of duty #cod #cod mw3 #cod mwiii

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gayerthanevertbh · 11 months ago

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widow behind closed doors pt. 1 | n.r

summary: You moved into a Craig's list apartment and met a woman through an online chat. Despite issues with your parents, you felt seen by the woman, the fleeting excitement rushing through your heart as she continues to develop a relationship with you online. However, the owner of the building, Steve Rogers, warns you to avoid the upper floor. You followed his orders, but wonder who lives behind closed doors and most of all, who is the woman behind the phone?

warnings: online dating, slight dark!natasha romanoff, age difference (natasha is 40 while reader is 20,) g!p natasha, manipulative behavior, and smut - 18+ minors dni

notes: not sure if i want to make this a story but this is just in case if i do. this is just the start of the series, this will also be posted on ao3 so let's see how it goes! let me know if you want me to continue it. don't worry, training season chapter two will be posted soon :)

Last month, as you turned nineteen, your mother kicked you out. Naturally, you lived at a friend's house for a short while until you had enough money to rent a new apartment close to your university. The fact is, out of all the websites, Craig's List was the one you used when looking for this apartment complex.

Fairly speaking, the apartment building looked normal—at least from your own vantage point—and had the required utility. Mail from the outside, a laundry facility, and a smoking section. Though you occasionally light one, you do not smoke. Conversely, your friend Julie smoked as if her lungs were not burning. She never listened to your advice about not smoking three times a day.

With a big huff from your lungs, you toppled the last box outside of your chamber. Steve and Wanda were two people who assisted you in getting settled. Grading them for helping you arrange things in your new room, you turned around with a friendly smile.

“Thank you again, Mr. Rogers,” you said as you shook his hand. “This room is pretty big.”

“No one really rents here,” the man replied with a small smile on his face. “It’s the least I can do. You know, especially that you’re a student.”

You chuckled, turning your head away. “Please, I don’t even want to hear about that.”

“How old are you?” Wanda asked with a curious look on her face.

“I just turned 20 last month,” you said with a pained groan. It is not so ridiculous given your connection with your mother; you did not forget the time she kicked you out of the house. “How about you?”

She smiles. “We’re the same age! If you have time, maybe you could stop by my room. It’s just on the left corner of the building.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

You both fell into silence until Steve held his hands together, staring at Wanda and then back at you. “Well, you should settle in. If you need anything, I’m just downstairs. You know the number of my apartment, you can just knock at anytime.”

“Steve, should we tell her about N—”

“We also want to inform you not to go to the upper floor,” Steve interrupts Wanda and says Your eyebrows wrinkled as you looked at the girl and saw her covering her face on her shoulder. “We have a friend who can be very... mean. She doesn’t like anyone going to her floor and she’s technically also the owner of this building.”

“Really? Oh,” you huffed, wondering who they were talking about. “Don’t worry, I will not go up there.”

Steve put his hand on your biceps and patted. “Thanks, kiddo. Anyway, just knock on our doors if you need any help.”

You closed the door and sighed longingly as soon as they left your room. Today was going to be a long day of you sorting every box you had in this room; you would most likely desire take-out after all this chaos. You considered the woman living on the top floor as you were making your bed. What did she look like? When they claimed the woman was peculiar, what did they mean? So many thoughts crossed your head, trying to figure out who the woman was they were talking about. You shrugged, minded your own business, and soon nodded off.

———

Late at night, you placed an order for a pizza, tried to watch a movie on your laptop, and visited a website none of your friends knew you were first visiting. Almost as if it were Omegle, the service allowed users to communicate with total strangers—and you could add them as friends via chat. Alone, you were eating a slice of pizza and texting a few people from the website. Carl, a male, asked whether he might have coffee with you tomorrow afternoon, but you gently turned him down since you just moved in. When, really, you have no interest in men. You consider them not as a lover but rather as a need.

Though it sounds horrible, that is reality. Men are often cruel, while women can communicate with you through their elegant, luxurious words. You enjoyed the sensation when a woman complements you for not just your appearance but also for the way you talk from your mind. It was not surprising that they adored you for your beauty; sometimes it can feel fantastic, but you wanted to be really understood—not only by appearance. And so, after some time, you were ready to shut your laptop until you noticed an email sign on top left.

Someone has left you a message.

You boldly opened the message and found a woman called Natalia messaged. As you went over her message, you grinned.

Natalia: Hey there! Are you new here?

You: no not really lol xD i’ve been using this website since a year ago.

Natalia: Strange :P I never saw you on my suggestions. Do you have an age limit to 40 plus?

You: yeah! i wanted to try something new

Natalia: Hm. Maybe that’s why I’ve never seen you here. Your name is Y/n? Or is that just a nickname? Haha.

You: nope, that’s definitely my name! And is your name not a nickname?

Natalia: Definitely not a nickname :))

As you spoke with this woman you could feel your heart beating and your body heating up like it was an oven. Since many people do this, you are simply hoping the conversation stays normal. Otherwise, things could go strange. They only pursue nudes, and you're honestly bored of that. You bit on your lower lip as you considered your response, but she slammed it right into you.

Natalia: How old are you? Are you really 20? ;((

You: yeah... heh. and are you really 40?

Natalia: Yup. It's weird, isn’t it?

You: are u looking for a sugar baby lol

You let out a quiet laugh as you waited for her response.

Natalia: HAH! No, I’m not. I just really want to talk to someone. Is that bad these days?

You: not really. i’m just a little traumatized by this website. everyone keeps asking me to send nudes.

Natalia: I understand; sometimes young women ask me to send some too. So I understand how you feel :)

By the way, are you currently studying?

You: yessss! i study at NYU. :DD

Natalia: Really?! That’s great! You know, when I was in my 20s, I tried to study there, but I lost all interest. It’s good that you still want to study :)))

Where do you live?

Given that you only connected with this woman online, it's best that you remain mum about your exact location; unfortunately, there are many predators in the world today. Even though it pains you deeply to lie to this woman, you couldn't help but chew on your lower lip as you considered telling a lie. Before you could mention that you lived at this new apartment, a thud on the floor interrupted you. With a quick turn of your head, you strode over to the door and opened it.

From over her shoulder, a woman shot you a lifeless stare, and you felt inadequate. You stepped outside and asked, “A-Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Grumbling under her breath, the woman made her way to the staircase. She picked up the paper bag and proclaimed, “Who are you supposed to be?”

You gulped down your saliva and muttered, “I’m new here.”

Turning her head away from you, the mysterious woman—who seemed like the most stunning woman you'd ever seen—muttered something in Russian that you couldn't quite decipher. Her boots thudded loudly as she walked upstairs, shaking her head dismissively. The door slams shut, and your body twitches in response.

The woman was, in fact, very intimidating.

And strange.

And mean.

As you shut the door, you sigh and try to comprehend that the woman might have been going through a difficult time. Steve was spot-on from the start: the second floor is not a good place to be. Reason being, you might get booted out if you indulged your curiosity. You sat back down on the bed and swiftly typed back to Natalia, who was waiting for your response; the once-bustling city of New York was now peaceful. You shut the curtains. Somehow, you wish she had been waiting for you.

You: sorry... some mean neighbor was at my door. Lollll

Natalia: It’s okay :)) It’s late there, darling. Aren’t you supposed to be asleep?

She referred to you as "darling" and tossed your head back onto the pillow. You struggle to suppress your scream. As you let out a heavy sigh while you mentally resorted to thoughts of Natalia, completely disregarding the brief encounter you had with the unfamiliar woman just moments before. Having an attraction to older women was undeniable; it was just your personality. With a hint of excitement building inside of you, you snatched your laptop from the foot of the bed and began typing away, taking matters into your own hands.

God, you were such a fool.

You: yeah but i have to finish my pizza before i go to bed!

how about you?

Natalia: Can’t. I have work ;((

Talk to me tomorrow, okay? I like this conversation that we are having. ;))

Even though you were unhappy that she had to leave, you couldn't help but notice that it was getting close to two in the morning. You wanted to stay up all night, so you sigh and type on your keyboard.

You: okay! :D gnnn x

Natalia: Goodnight, darling.

Your mind was at peace with Natalia while you slept, which hasn't happened in a long time. What does she look like when you meet her face to face? Was she attractive? Even though you hadn't laid eyes on her face, you were certain that she was. Despite this, you were hoping to ask about sneak peeks so that you could avoid sleepless nights in the future. However, you recalled that you had met an unknown woman on the internet—a self-assured person. You definitely wouldn't cross paths with her in person.

Right?

yes ik a repost eugh

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you

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cringefailkralie · 1 year ago

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ridiculously long list of things i’ve noticed about thomas grant and adam wadsworth’s portrayals of albus and scorpius

sorry in advance if this is messy, i wrote this at like 4am

albus flinches away when james steps too close to him!!!

when scorpius asks albus whether he prefers albus or al, he doesn’t have to think about his answer. instead he just looks shocked that someone was actually asking that, like nobody’s ever considered his feelings before. makes me feel like he’d been waiting his entire life for someone to actually ask him that.

tom’s albus doesn’t cry during the fight with harry like i’ve seen a lot of the other actors do. he just stares blankly ahead of him and completely shuts down. i’m head over heels in love with this choice because it really hammers home how hard it is for albus to express his feelings or communicate with anyone.

albus’s reaction to the love potion really really makes me believe that ron intended it to be a mean gay joke. even if ron didn’t intend for it to come across that way, that’s definitely what albus takes it as.

scorpius is just staring vacantly at a wall before he spots albus on the train in their 4th year. not sure if this is a specific acting choice or if i’m just reading into it too much?

they hold hands for a second and stand with their faces an inch away from each other as soon as they duck into their train compartment. their body language in private is so different from their body language in public.

albus squeezes his eyes closed when they hug. he really needed that physical affection but he hates anyone but scorpius being near him.

scorpius puts his hand on albus’s chest when the train starts moving. nothing to say about that its just really gay.

my favorite delivery of “oooo a quiz… WIZZO!!!” i fucking love how he does jazz hands when he says it, especially because it’s the second time he does jazz hands in that scene. he’s so me.

albus does so many little hand gestures in this scene, he’s way more comfortable being expressive around scorpius. he almost mirrors scorpius’s stupid little mannerisms.

bonus- not scorbus related but craig is first seen wearing his beanie on the train during the this sequence (where albus and scorpius decide to run away)!! idk if they don’t do this in other productions or if i just hadn’t ever picked up on it before, but it’s a really cute detail. does anyone know if he canonically got it when he became head boy?

when amos first tells them to leave, scorpius grabs onto albus’s sleeve

not even technically them but the ron and harry actors grab onto each other sooooo much (as albus and scorpius)

in love with how long scorpius hold out his “WIIIIIIIZZZOOOO” and how albus tries to match his energy with the “DOUBLE WIZZO”

delphi steals scorp’s little phrases and his awkward way of speaking and his mannerisms to try and appeal to albus because she knows that he reeeeally likes him- and i hate hate HATEEEE how she makes him feel like a freak for being himself when all the while she’s stealing his personality. scorpius plays with the fabric of his sweater and then fidgets with his hands after she tries to make him feel left out in the forbidden forest and i can FEEL what he’s feeling through the screen.

scorpius is JEALOUS jealous of delphi and when he talks to her his voice is quiet and monotone, which is the most un-scorpius thing ever. i love it. you can feel how much he hates her. i hate her too, this delphi is despicable. (very talented actress!!)

when scorpius tears his eyes away from the beautiful sight in front of them to look at albus and say “you’re my best friend” (which is crazy enough on its own) he talks in a really sweet, low voice before returning really quickly to his normal scorp-voice, as if he was afraid to let albus think about what had just happened

albus jumps up and down with excitement when they announce the triwizard tournament. he starts and then has to stop himself from cheering for hogwarts. funny that a guy who was just saying how much he hates hogwarts would do a thing like that.

everyone around scorpius gets startled when he starts cheering for krum because his screaming is so weird lmao

at the end of the scene where albus tells scorpius they’ll be better off without each other, scorpius just slumps over on the steps and stays there for the ENTIRETY of the next scene until he eventually gets wheeled off with the stairs. it looks like he’s fiddling with something? maybe his wand? maybe just his hands?

obviously the staircase ballet is the staircase ballet, but the way they look at each other is just AAAAUUUUGHHHHHHH

at the end of the ballet scorpius steps towards albus first, but albus is the one who reaches his hand out and slinks down onto the steps

obsessed with that gay little purse scorpius carries the time turner in

delphi gets scorpius to let his guard down during their conversation and scorpius starts talking like himself in front of her again!!!

albus does the little puke-gag-joke-thing in the library to try and make scorpius feel better </3

they’re both fidgeting with their hands throughout their whole conversation :(

ALBUS’S LITTLE GIGGLE WHEN SCORPIUS AGREES TO COME WITH HIM TO FIX TIME

this isn’t specific to this production but scorpius’s shoes are one of my favorite details. in the normal world, he wears big clunky shoes to showcase his awkwardness, whereas in the dark dimension he wears running shoes!! evil scorp is athletic!!!

the second “im fighting for albus” that comes out of scorpius’s mouth is said almost entirely to himself

their little hug in the water :,)

i LOVE LOVE LOVE that scorpius tries to hug draco and he pushes him away and throws his jacket at him in such a cold manner. it makes their hug near the end feel so much more important to their relationship. as soon as we meet scorpius he immediately refers to himself as having daddy issues and we don’t see nearly enough of that in this play.

bonus p2- one of my favorite parts of this show is the in trouble again number!!! i love the background gang and all of their little scenes like this. craig being a little gossip monger is funny as shit!!!! it gives him so much personality and makes his death that much sadder :(

the delivery of “scorpius….. he matters to me…. you know that don’t you?” is INSANE. tom grant delivers all of the coming out adjacent lines so perfectly.

i love how scorpius moves his body. he waves his arms around in the air so often.

scorpius tickled albus lmao they’re so weird

when scorpius talks about hating the other world, albus throws in “apart from polly chapman fancying you” quite bitterly and scorpius almost completely cuts him off. he doesn’t acknowledge what he said in any way shape or form and albus seems to notice that he’s not interested in polly.

scorpius rubs his socks on the floor while he talks :3

the choice to have scorpius move from his bed to albus’s bed and pull albus’s blanket into his lap when he tells him that he changed himself back for him is so AAAUGHHH

AND SCORPIUS DOES THE SAME THING THAT HE DID EARLIER AGAIN!!! he gets all quiet and sweet when he’s sort of admitting his feelings to albus and then all of a sudden he stands up and goes back to his normal loud voice

“MALFOY THE UNANXIOUS IS A PRRRRRETTY GOOD LIIIIAAAR”

delphi mocking scorpius and him immediately tensing up oh he hates her ass so much

scorpius reaches out to try and intercept albus handing delphi the time turner and albus giggles at scorpius because he’s happy she’s not extremely pissed at them

scorpius holds onto the railing right up until he gets his hands bound together because he’s afraid of heights. thought it was cute that adam chose to do this even though his fear of heights isn’t mentioned anywhere in this version.

i LOVE the torture scene in this version. albus is stone faced when delphi is threatening to torture him and then he IMMEDIATELY falls to his knees begging and pleading when she turns toward scorpius.

delphi is quite literally outing albus in this scene. the silence after she says that love is his weakness and points to scorpius is SO long and SO loud omg. it’s quite literally ten whole seconds (i counted) of albus and scorpius just looking at each other. it genuinely feels like she just spilled out what he’s been keeping inside of himself for so long, it’s gutwrenching. i guess they did just watch craig die so they do in fact have bigger problems, but you can see albus’s heart stop beating and its so terrible.

i love how albus turns to scorpius when the stationmaster starts unintelligibly talking to them like “hey, you’re doing the talking rn just so you know”

i’m obsessed with how excited scorpius is to tell albus all about the history of the place they’re in. in love with his little gasps at everything he sees and his jump when he says “SQUEAK!”

albus motioning for scorpius to stop when he’s demonstrating how to scream for help lmaoooo

albus pointing with both hands at scorpius while they try to come up with a plan is so cute. albus believes in him so much.

i love how scorpius keeps hugging draco even as he’s talking

their foreheads are literally brushing against each other my god these bitches gay

albus asks “and thats who you want in your palace?” in an almost panicked way like he’s afraid scorpius doesn’t feel the same way about him.

albus holds onto scorpius’s shoulders while rose tries to reassure them that they didn’t just get walked in on lmao

3rd and final instance of scorpius trying to change the subject- asking immediately about quidditch so albus doesn’t get the chance to say anything related to what just happened

scorpius says “come on” like he’s trying to get albus to come cut a rug with him at a middle school dance

obsessed with their little gagging and puking bit and how they made it a callback to what albus does in the library

maybe my favorite hug moment from any scorbus duo. i love how albus initially reacts with shock but then melts into it and closes his eyes, only pulling away to make sure he’s not reading the situation entirely wrong (he’s not)

my favorite ending scene by far. the coming out hits SO hard. the way albus fiddles with his zipper and scrunches up his sleeve in his hand, you can tell how absolutely terrified he is of saying this to his dad. the line delivery is genuinely fantastic. the more he pauses the longer you have to take it all in- and he pauses a LOT.

okie thanks for reading!!!!!

#hpcc #scorbus #the cursed child #scorpius malfoy #albus potter #albus severus potter #harry potter and the cursed child #harry potter #albus x scorpius #cursed child #scorpius hyperion malfoy #craig bowker jr #james sirius potter #lily luna potter #rose granger weasley #yann fredericks #polly chapman #karl jenkins

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bunnelbaby · 6 months ago

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Here’s a list of shows for boy regressors/dreamers to enjoy!

(Disclaimer: Anyone is free to enjoy these shows regardless of identity/what labels they use! I’m simply sharing recommendations for the boyregs/boydres out there!)

𐐪𐑂 Craig of the Creek

𐐪𐑂 Go Diego Go!

𐐪𐑂 Static Shock

𐐪𐑂 Spidey and His Amazing Friends

𐐪𐑂 Kid Cosmic

𐐪𐑂 El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera

𐐪𐑂 The Little Prince (2010)

𐐪𐑂 Wolfboy and the Everything Factory

𐐪𐑂 Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous

𐐪𐑂 Harvey Beaks

𐐪𐑂 Santiago of the Seas

𐐪𐑂 Jake and the Never Land Pirates

𐐪𐑂 Tumble Leaf

𐐪𐑂 Handy Mandy

𐐪𐑂 Trollhunters: Tales of Arcadia

𐐪𐑂 Lunar Jim

𐐪𐑂 American Dragon: Jake Long

𐐪𐑂 Max and Ruby

𐐪𐑂 Samurai Rabbit: The Usagi Chronicles

𐐪𐑂 Wild Kratts

𐐪𐑂 Ducktales

𐐪𐑂 Sam & Max

𐐪𐑂 Transformers

𐐪𐑂 Skylanders Academy

𐐪𐑂 Generator Rex

𐐪𐑂 Pokémon

𐐪𐑂 Yo-kai Watch

𐐪𐑂 Digimon

𐐪𐑂 Bakugan

𐐪𐑂 Yu-Gi-Oh!

𐐪𐑂 Sharkdog

𐐪𐑂 The Koala Brothers

𐐪𐑂 Harold and the Purple Crayon

𐐪𐑂 Adventure Time

𐐪𐑂 The Aquabats! Super Show!

𐐪𐑂 Sonic the Hedgehog

𐐪𐑂 Fantastic Max

𐐪𐑂 Ben 10

𐐪𐑂 Lego Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu

𐐪𐑂 The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin

𐐪𐑂 Paddington Bear

𐐪𐑂 Rupert

𐐪𐑂 Trash Truck

𐐪𐑂 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

𐐪𐑂 ToddWorld

𐐪𐑂 Dino Dan

𐐪𐑂 Harry and His Bucket Full of Dinosaurs

𐐪𐑂 Wallykazam

𐐪𐑂 Codename: Kids Next Door

𐐪𐑂 Clarence

𐐪𐑂 Buzz Lightyear of Star Command

𐐪𐑂 Phineas & Ferb

𐐪𐑂 Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go!

𐐪𐑂 The Last Kids on Earth

𐐪𐑂 Blaze and the Monster Machines

(Divider Credit)

#age regression #sfw agere #agere #agere resources #boyreg #boy agere #boy regressor #boy regression #again anyone can watch these shows! just wanted to share some recommendations for the boyregs/boydres out there

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toki-is-the-king · 2 years ago

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THIS IS GOLD

u guys toki headcanon he’s the type of person to believe the fake computer scams that say “Click here to redeem iPhone!” And he calls Skwisgaar over and says “Looks Skwisgaar I won the news iphones.” And Skwisgaar gets pissed because he’s the Guitar God he wants to win something so he pushes Toki out of the way and says “Here’s let’s me try, I bet I could vins something better than crappy olds iphone,” And they end up downloading 100+ viruses and they beg Charles to fix Tokis laptop and there’s just a bunch of noises coming from the laptop that Charles is 100% sure it’s gonna explode.

#Toki gets scammed on Craigs list #he tries to get free cats #but they steal his credit card info #dethklok #metalacolypse #charles offdensen #toki wartooth #skwisgaar skwigelf

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halfbaked00q · 6 days ago

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.... 'ang on, now

On these things he spent all his money and it was his ambition to have as little as possible in his banking account when he was killed, as, when he was depressed, he knew he would be, before the statutory age of forty-five. Eight years to go before he was automatically taken off the 00 list and given a staff job at Headquarters. At least eight tough assignments. Probably sixteen. Perhaps twenty-four. Too many.

"too many." "too many"?? Ooouuuggh, James Bond hates his job NOT an exclusively Craig!Bond thing, it literallyyy comes from Fleming Moonraker?? Book 3??

Like, not surprising to me that Bond is depressed/has depression moments - Fleming writes out Bond's penchant for catastrophizing in the last book - but ough that Fleming literally spells it right, right there. "when he was killed, as he KNEW he would be, before the statutory age of 45."

and then continuing the thing about how there are rly only 2 or 3 missions a year that call for his abilities. the grim, "at least 8. probably 16. perhaps 24. too many."

He, like Loelia Ponsonby, is trapped within the "perpetual concubinage to your King and Country" and, along with Loelia Ponsonby and the other girls, has been locked in his own version of a Cavell-Nightingale world "more securely into the company of the other girls at Headquarters and every day it seemed more difficult to betray by resignation the father-figure which The Service had become."

Unlike Loelia, who actually does think about but dismisses the idea of resigning, Bond doesn't even THINK of it. He just assumes it's inevitable that he will keep running on the job until his time runs out, one of the ways or the other.

like. dang, okayyy. and also. bruh appeals to patriotism whomst?? only if u can't read, perhaps?? lmao

(from Moonraker)

#MR posting #back to basics #...okay yes I don't regret starting this book lmao #already we get even MORE delving into the depths of Bond's psyche #and also a sort of. marked cynicism from Fleming on the whole intelligence machine lmao??#or at least like. the whole machine of dedicating one's life to service of K&C #like. he expects to die. rarely has work but also little by means of meaningful hobbies. and like okay perhaps you can #spin the oh he just wants the leisure and no work- that's living the life! but literally before this Fleming is careful to let us know that #008 managed to make it out! but is resting in Berlin. and Bond reflects that that sounds bad- must be in bad shape then #and what abt 0011? the third member of the 00 section? No news on him for 2 months #so like. cmon. it's a hard spin when clearly he's basically on call but on call for EXTREME danger

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blushweddinggowns · 5 months ago

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Eddie guessed that it was his own fault for waiting the last second to get a new one. He thought that he’d be able to wait it out. He was on the edge of graduating from his apprenticeship at the shop, so, so close to being able to afford the apartment completely on his own. But then his boss had to go and make it clear that nothing was happening until the New Year, a solid three months away.

His paycheck to paycheck life style wasn’t gonna cut it for that long. And that's how we found himself desperate enough to post a Craig’s list ad. What did he think was going to happen? That he’d get the creme of the crop? No. The only applicants he’d had were a chronic cigarette smoker who couldn’t wait to light up until after the apartment tour, a middle-aged guy who immediately told him that his ferrets free-roaming around the house was a non-negotiable, and some dude who wore polo shirts and looked like he fell out of a highschool rom-com.

He should have chosen the smoker. But no, he had to go with the eye-candy. Despite the fact that he knew Steve would never look twice his way, even with the low odds that he even liked men.

But he couldn’t help it.

Eddie had been a failure when it came to romance ever since he moved out of his uncle’s place. Twenty-four years of conservative small town bullshit, all culminating into a completely lack of ability when it came to getting laid. Three more completely dedicated to making something of himself out in the city. He hadn’t been prepared to ward-off the model with the puppy dog eyes and the sob story of his last place flooding.

Though in his defense, it wasn’t just from his extremely horny mind. Steve seemed polite enough when they first met. He was surprisingly sweet for someone openly wearing Ralph Lauren. So when he said that he could move in immediately, Eddie was sold. He didn’t even think to question Steve paying his first month of rent in cash. He was just relieved the worry about getting kicked out was officially gone.

The first week had been fine enough. Eddie met a few of his friends who were helping him move in. It was a gaggle of twenty-one year olds, oddly enough.

“I was their babysitter,” Steve had sighed when Eddie asked about it, his eyes fond, “They got a little too attached. Now I’m an underage uncle for life.”

It was cute, another point towards Eddie’s slight pining. But then, Steve went back to work.

Eddie didn’t care that he worked a night shift. He could understand that, tip-based work was pretty lucrative. He was pretty sure Steve was a bartender or something considering the crazy hours. He could handle a few bumps in the night while he got situated.

What Eddie couldn’t handle was Steve’s multi-hour long, middle of the night routine. He’d get home at three a.m.

And yeah, maybe Eddie hadn’t been totally upfront about the downsides of this place when he got Steve to sign the sublet. Despite the price, their walls were paper thin. The advertised “soundproofing” of the place had only applied to hearing the neighbors. You could hear everything in this place, from the front door to their insanely loud showerhead. A fact that he assumed Steve would catch up on without Eddie having to act like an RA.

With him and Gareth having basically the same schedule, Eddie had forgotten just how loud things could be. But Steve quickly gave him a reminder. Without fail, he’d hop into the shower first thing, the sound of the water pounding against the ceramic more than enough to wake Eddie up. Not to mention the singing. The good quality of his voice did not make up for the fact that it was tortuous at night.

But it didn’t stop there. No, then he’d go to his room and talk for hours. Eddie had no fucking idea what kind of freak was sharing a five a.m. time table, but it was killing him. Whoever it was knew how to rile Steve up like no other, his laughter so clear through out the night that Eddie couldn’t focus on anything else. It was a lot, it was intense, and Eddie was losing his fucking mind. He tried to find time to talk to him about it, be civil about the whole thing. But when Eddie woke up Steve was dead to the world. When Eddie got home from work, Steve was already gone for his own.

That’s how he found himself here. Wide awake for the fourth night in a row while Steve’s voice streamed through the walls. Every passing second had his pathetic crush on the man dissolving more and more. The last bastion between Steve and Eddie telling him to fuck off.

an excerpt from my soon to be exchange fic. Of course I'm an extension needing bitch 😩😩😩

#steddie #steddie fic #coming soon #omg they were roommates #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie ficlet #fic preview #how do they always get so long......

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kitchen-spoon · 2 years ago

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90’s au where Eddie is a porn star who hires Steve to be his child’s nanny to watch them while he works or has to fly away for a few days for work.

Eddie is popular because of his dark aesthetic, people are really into all the black clothes, the rings, crazy long hair, tattoos and piercings. He is also popular because he works with women and men and is know for it.

Steve and Robin had just moved to New York for Robin’s college and because Steve goes wherever she goes. They apply for jobs and are desperate so they even go to the library and reply to ads on Craigs list. That is when Steve sees a posting for someone looking for a nanny for their 2 year old daughter. It was basically a 9-5 almost everyday with extra pay for overnight weekend stays too. It seemed to good to be true but Steve applied anyway, what could the harm be?

That ad is how Steve met Eddie, the sexiest most confident man he’d ever met. He was so smooth and flirty and open about his job away from the small ears of his daughter who just knew daddy was a model. He’d toy with Steve, batting his big brown eyes, biting his lip and smirking at him during the small moments where their schedules would cross over and they’d see each other.

Eddie couldn’t help himself, he got bolder with time moving to leaning into Steve’s space to catch a whiff of his Cologne, fleeting touches just so he could feel the firmness of Steve’s muscles under his fingertips. Steve was exactly Eddie’s type, shorter than him and built with the sass and attitude of someone twice his size. He was a tan hairy Italian dream, and Eddie would do anything to taste that cross Steve wore around his neck. He couldn’t help but imagine the brunette oiled up, laying in the sun in the tinest little speedo, his perfect brown hair glowing.

The tension grows between them with each passing month, not helped by how much Eddie’s daughter loves Steve and how much it melts Eddie’s heart to see how gentle and sweet Steve is with her. It all comes to a head one night 5 months after Steve is hired. Steve does his usual stalling so he can stick around and flirt with Eddie before he leaves, relishing in the touches Eddie will give him. He gives in that night and agrees to stay for a glass of wine. They sit on Eddie’s couch, closer than anything that could pass as casual. Their knees were touching and Steve was leaned right in Eddie’s space, arm resting against the back of the couch as he looked up through his lashes while Eddie spoke. He was so distracted that he didn’t notice his wineglass slowly tipping over in his hand until it spilled all over his and Eddie’s laps.

They cleaned up in the kitchen, Steve blushing as Eddie called him sweetheart and hoisted him up on to the counter like he weighed nothing. Eddie dabbed at Steve’s pants, slowly moving up until he was pressing directly over the growing bulge in Steve’s pants. And then Steve couldn’t take it anymore. He shoved Eddie’s hands away and slid his own into Eddie’s hair, yanking him forward so he could finally know what that tongue piercing felt like. Eddie didn’t let Steve have control for long, and they ended the night with Steve bent over the marble counter tops Eddie’s fingers shoved in his mouth to shut him up.

#eddie munson #steve harrington #steddie #stranger things ships #steve x eddie #stranger things #stranger things one shot #robin buckley #famous eddie munson #steddie drabble #steddie prompt

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thefrogman · 30 days ago

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Late Night Hosts: A Retrospective.

After the success of this post...

I noticed people seemed interested in the history and personalities of late night comedians. Especially all the youngins who weren't around yet. These hosts were a big part of my comedy training. So I thought I'd share with you what I remember of my comedy analysis and some personal context showing what made them tick.

I will be covering Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, David Letterman, and Conan O'Brien.

And if this post is successful, I will do Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and all of the newest hosts.

Almost all of this is from memory, so a few details could be inaccurate. But I used to set up 2 VCRs so I could record Jay, Dave, and Conan each night. I watched Conan from show #1. That was 1993 (I was 12 then) and I did this for several years.

I would also get a bit of Carson Daly on the tape and just be flabbergasted someone gave him a television show.

Even Kermit was like, "How is this guy more of a fucking muppet than I am?"

I would watch my tapes and study them and take notes. I would do little comedy exercises. I tried to write a Letterman Top 10 List (I called it a "top 7½ list" because I feared the copyright police). I wrote monologue jokes about celebrities. And I tried creating silly characters like on Conan.

I was a big comedy nerd as a teenager, what can I say?

I even created an alter ego called "Bob the Frog" who was basically a ripoff of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Don Rickles. "Bob" wrote a comedy newsletter (I still have it somewhere) that I passed around to my classmates in junior high. This frog alter ego was my first attempt at comedy writing. (If you've ever wondered why I am "The Frogman", now you know.)

The first few were really bad. Then I got better and my friends started asking if I had written anything new. It was my first taste of making people laugh and I was hooked. I knew comedy would be a part of my life from then on.

I learned that I hated insult comedy. I felt too guilty. The only person I felt comfortable saying bad things about was myself. So "Bob" would say I was a lame dorktopus.

Eventually, I did stand-up until I was too sick to perform (1999-2003). I was just getting good so that was a very difficult period of my life. It felt like my dream was snatched away by my poor health.

On a whim, my best friend Tru McGowan convinced me to start a comedy Tumblr in 2009. At first I was really bad. I was used to stand-up where you had a new crowd each time and you could polish jokes until they were perfect. The hardest thing about internet comedy (much like late night comedy) is that everything is your *first* draft.

I'm not sure if people realize how difficult first draft comedy truly is. You can get decent at predicting what an audience will laugh at. But it is *never* a sure thing. Things you work on for days and are positive people will love... they will bomb horrifically. Things you write in 20 seconds and post on a lark... they go viral to a few million people.

But the greatest tragedy of all is when you post something with potential and it bombs. You know if you could workshop it with a proper crowd over a week or a month, you could make something amazing.

But it is already out there.

Your entire following saw it.

It is what it is.

That is some genuine 2009 Froggie comedy right there.

I just put text on a picture. I mean, this dude definitely wanted to bang that rancor and his dream was crushed just like its head. There is a joke there. And lolcat style text-on-a-picture was the comedy fad.

But "Gay for Rancors" got 15 pity notes and that was the end of my exploration of rancor fetish jokes.

Soon I started putting a little more effort into my originals. Somehow Photoshopping this bacon on a string got me 50 notes.

And I was never one to shy away from capitalizing on a current meme, so this accrued 143 notes (viral for Tumblr in 2009).

I got to know my audience. I started understanding what worked and what didn't. I did a lot of experimenting and eventually I started understanding this new comedy medium. If you are weird and put forth enough effort, people will reward you.

As an internet "first draft" comedian, I feel a spiritual connection to late night comedians. They have one day to write 15-20 minutes of material and once they send it out into the world... that's it. No second chance.

I think studying Conan and Dave helped prepare me for my blog. I still prefer polishing material over time, but I'm so glad I could rise to the occasion when circumstances demanded I "first draft" my entire comedy career.

So...

Let's get started.

Heeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

Johnny Carson

I missed out on peak Johnny. But I have watched a bunch of those compilation videos with highlights from the show. I mean, I used to watch the 3am infomercial for those compilation videos. So I feel like I am still qualified to analyze him as a long-time student of comedy.

I started becoming aware of comedy right as Johnny was retiring. I literally studied it like a subject at school while not studying actual subjects at school. And the late night shows were some of the best learning tools available (aside from getting stand-up specials from Blockbuster). You got to see comedy every night and a variety of comedians with different styles.

Johnny was the best at the traditional late-night monologue. It's not that the jokes were funnier. Honestly, it is impossible to write 5 minutes of stand-up in a day that can give you anything more than a chuckle. But the audience knows that and it causes something I call "forgiveness comedy." People will adjust what they think is funny depending on the circumstances. If they know you had a day to write something, the audience will consider that and be primed to laugh more at less funny material. Especially if they like the comic.

The best example is improv. An audience will forgive the joke quality just because they are amazed it is coming straight off the dome (that isn't always true, improv is more magic trick than spontaneity, but that is another post). But if you tried to perform that same improv as a polished stand-up act, it would likely bomb. The brain adjusts to context.

Johnny took advantage of this and where he really shined was in between the written jokes. His bombs were opportunities. He would react with some self-deprecating remark and get a bigger laugh for making fun of his shitty joke. Basically, when Johnny was in trouble he was at his best. His reactions were what made him so loved.

His most famous reaction-style comedy was probably the tomahawk demonstration. I think this was one of the longest sustained audience laughs in history—which, sadly, the video cuts off. I think it was 4 minutes total.

youtube

Johnny was also a very good interviewer in the sense that he knew when to give people space. He didn't try to compete with all the funny people he invited on. He was a comedy support system and only stepped in when things went off the rails.

There were also his masterful softballs. (Sorry, I should explain I came up with my own comedy terms. They may or may not be actual comedy parlance.)

A softball is an easy setup for a joke (large balls are easier to hit). A conversational premise without a punchline. If you are riffing with another comedian and you know their strengths, you can set them up for a joke and let them take the punchline. This is a thankless comedy skill because you are giving away the glory to someone else. But being good at softballs often takes more creativity and skill than coming up with the punchline. Johnny knew he was speaking with some of the funniest people on the planet. And their success was his success. So he was always happy to set people up for hilarity.

Johnny was also a good sport. His friends would come on and make fun of him and he often laughed the loudest of anyone. Or pretended to be hurt for extra laughs. Rich Little and Tom Smothers would do impressions of Johnny in front of Johnny. I think this helped popularize the Friar's Club roasts around that time, of which Johnny was a roastee.

Johnny got along with everyone. I think the most endearing thing about his Tonight Show was that he was just trying to make sure everyone had a good time. It was fun. It was chill. It was comfort after a long day, like a television version of a warm hug. Many people would joke that is how they fell asleep each night.

There was one aspect of his show I have mixed feelings about. Johnny started the career of almost every comedian performing in the 80s. He would invite the new comics on the scene to do their "tight 5" toward the end of the show. It was a poorly kept secret that if he invited them to "the couch" for an interview, they were in. He was christening them a comedy star. Robin Williams, Ellen DeGeneres, Louie Anderson, Roseanne Barr, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Steven Wright, David Brenner, Drew Carey, Garry Shandling, Eddie Murphy.

And we can't forget Yakov Smirnoff.

Johnny was basically the all-powerful comedy judge. It was seen as a huge honor to be invited to the couch. But if you had a bad night or a bad audience or just weren't ready, that could end or set back your career in a huge way.

You either got a sitcom or a job at McDonald's.

Jay Leno

Jay was known as a very good road comedian. He was a very hard worker who would perform *anywhere* just to get experience. He performed at strip clubs and crappy hotel bars and those weird corporate events where you have to come up with jokes for vacuum salesman or mortgage analysts. You have to use hyperspecific industry terms and include employees in the audience. John Mulaney recently made the news for one of these gigs.

Actually, let me give corporate comedy writing a try...

"Vacuum salesmen are the only ones who can start their pitch with how much their product sucks.

Suction, am I right, fellas? Good suction sells itself. Bob's wife knows what I'm talking about. She can hit 20 kPa, easy. Heyoooo!

She's still no Miele C3 canister vacuum with included HEPA filtration. That thing has more new attachments than the CEO's hair.

Your plugs aren't fooling anyone, Steve!"

Though Jay started out working mostly clean, so I'm not sure he would have rated the suction of Bob's wife in kilopascals. Working clean meant he could do his act just about anywhere. But don't confuse him with a "clean" comedian.

Froggie Comedy Tangent

A comedian who happens to work clean can be funny. But a "clean comedian" will make you wonder how you are suddenly in Branson sitting next to a youth pastor and his flock. If they specifically brand themselves as "clean," you're just going to get thinly veiled (or blatant) conservative comedy. It will technically be apolitical, but all the subtext is MAGA.

I call it "I remember that" comedy. Because every laugh is derived from "Hey, that's that thing I know! I remember that!"

There is a thing called "Dry Bar Comedy" and their entire deal is inviting clean comedians to do shows. The non-drunk audiences (Get it? DRY bar) are laughing their heads off and it is so confusing.

I keep going "Wait, when did he tell a joke?"

They don't have to tell jokes!

They just have to talk about the "good old days" and people will be like, "I remember Cabbage Patch Kids!" and laugh at something resembling a punchline. Or sometimes there isn't a punchline—just a declarative statement that sort of goes up at the end.

I could have a lucrative comedy career just saying things like, "Do you remember G.I. Joe? I sure do miss when toys didn't have pronouns."

*uproarious laughter*

Almost every comedian that performs at the Dry Bar has a bit about spanking and ADHD.

"Kids these days have it easy. If you talk back to your daddy, you get a time out. Can you believe that? When I talked back to my dad, he made me pick out my own switch!"

*uproarious laughter*

"We didn't have ADD back then. We just had misbehaving children and a belt."

*uproarious laughter*

Comedians like Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno worked clean but it wasn't a moral thing. It just wasn't necessary for their material and was more marketable for gigs. They told real jokes with a premise and a punchline. They did the work and earned their laughs.

END OF TANGENT

It's weird to think Jay was once a respected and talented stand-up. Looking back, his material was... jokes for your dad. That's the best I can describe it. Not dad jokes, but jokes dads liked. Clever observations that would make dads go, "It do be like that!" Not really my thing, but he was good at it and he still draws decent crowds to this day. I mean, they all need walkers to get into the theater, but he packs the place with geriatrics wanting to laugh at Monica Lewinsky and OJ Simpson like the old days. Spoiler, Monica was a slut and Jay thinks OJ did it.

Jay did an adequate job on The Tonight Show. He was an okay interviewer and guests felt safe going on. They knew he wasn't going to talk about anything too embarrassing (with one major exception being Hugh Grant after he was caught with a sex worker).

Jay relied on bits that he knew worked and never really strayed once he had a working formula. He would read funny headlines. He would do his "Jaywalking" remotes where he found stupid people and used deceptive editing to make it seem like everyone he talked to was that stupid. Jay is really into things showing the decline of America in relation to the WWII generation.

Jay was the status quo comedian. He never really had "moments" that stood out and became legendary. Johnny had an entire DVD business just selling old clips from his Tonight Show. They were filled with moments that were so spontaneously and authentically hilarious that they stood the test of time. But trying to find a "greatest hits" compilation of Jay Leno's run will just leave you bored.

If you search YouTube for Jay's best moments, you just get a bunch of his "Headlines" segments. He's literally just reading clips from the newspaper.

As I mentioned in my other post, when he isn't in comedian mode, Jay Leno seems like a decent guy. He treated his staff very well and his work as a car historian is near academic level. When you hear him talk about old cars you feel like you are spending a weekend with your grandpa. So Jay's mean spirited monologues just seemed out of place and I think looking back, they ruined any chance he had at a legacy.

He just took cheap shots at celebrities and politicians and people in the news. And he did it relentlessly whether people deserved it or not.

Yes, every host at the time did this. But Dave felt like he was going through the motions and doing the monologue just because it was part of the format. His heart wasn't in it and he much preferred bantering with Paul Schaffer in the band than telling jokes about celebrities he doesn't actually care about. He was more interested in getting to the desk and doing his "real" comedy.

And Conan's jokes about celebrities were more silly than mean. He'd make fun of Tom Cruise or someone and then do the string dance.

But Jay would go dark. He had a smile on his face and it sounded like he was "just joking" but after hearing about Monica Lewinsky's story, Jay Leno's "just joking" was different. I remember Jay Leno making fun of that poor woman who had McDonald's coffee burn her vagina off. He probably got a few months of jokes out of that. He was such a nice guy outside of his comedy and looking back it seemed so out of place. But I think he did cheap shots because it was an easy laugh and he figured the famous weren't "real people."

If Jay was in head-to-toe denim, he was a solid dude.

If he was in a suit, he was an asshole.

Jay never stopped doing stand-up. You can catch a show this weekend if you want. Jay really likes to pepper in some classic 90s jokes about celebrities we have mostly forgotten. As I mentioned in my other post, I've heard him do Monica Lewinsky jokes as recent as 2019. They aren't part of his written material. They are usually ad-libs and callbacks. Like if Jay was fixing a car and someone said, "We need to suck the air out of these tires." There is a 90% chance Jay would respond, "Boy, where's Monica when you need her?"

He still does the "jokes your dad would like" material in his personal act. But they are much more like his Tonight Show monologues than his old stand-up. Easy jokes without much thought. Instead of his classic clever observations, he mostly complains about modernity, ad nauseam.

Actual joke...

"Have you seen these phones on your wrist? And you thought BUTT DIALING was bad!"

Get it? He's saying people are masturbating and accidentally calling people. Which completely misunderstands... no one talks on the phone, Jay. It's 2025 and we all have anxiety. Maybe you could do wank texting?

Okay, Jay. How about this as a joke, complete with a 90s reference...

"Have you seen these people wearing phones on their wrists? I guess they finally solved butt dialing!

But after they see a sexy picture of Cindy Crawford, Apple tells them they have 30,000 steps for the day!"

A famous fun fact is that he never spent any of his Tonight Show money. He lives off the interest and income doing stand-up. While he was host of The Tonight Show he still did stand-up just about every weekend. *I* think that *he* thinks that gives him working class cred despite his enormous wealth and caravan of supercars.

I'm glad his money allowed him to become the world's greatest car historian. I'm happy there is someone like him doing proper car conservation. His restoration of the Chrysler turbine car was fantastic. That is a neat piece of engineering and car history.

Jay never had a sex scandal and seems to love his wife. He's taking care of her as she battles dementia. I do feel sorry he is going through that.

Those are the nice things I can say about him.

But I think Monica Lewinsky and Conan O'Brien should be allowed one giant kick in the nuts.

David Letterman

Conan O'Brien wasn't the first person Jay Leno screwed over with The Tonight Show. David Letterman was actually Johnny Carson's favorite guest host. But he was quirky and experimental. The network liked Jay Leno's safer style.

It was a big controversy at the time and they even made a weird movie about it called The Late Shift. Pretty much every person portrayed claims it is horribly inaccurate. The actors they cast looked like when you draw from memory.

The big joke at the time was about the ridiculous chin prosthetic. Did you know Jay has a sizeable chin? Let's get Stan Winston away from Terminator 2 to make this bigass chin.

Dave started out as a TV weatherman. But once he got popular doing stand-up, they gave him a morning show. They tried to make him Regis Philbin. But he sucked at being Regis. Only Regis could be that excitable in the morning. Dave wasn't really a "morning" comedy guy so that was quickly cancelled.

In 1982, he got the Late Night show at 12:30am after Carson on NBC. No one paid much attention to him and he realized that. I think that excited him and he was just like...

Dave and his team created some of the most experimental comedy on broadcast TV up until that point. He was basically unsupervised in a comedy laboratory for over a decade.

He wore an Alka Seltzer suit and dunked himself in water.

He wore a Velcro suit and hurled himself against a wall.

Looking back I'm realizing he did a lot of suit based humor.

He had a very long running gag with character actor Calvert DeForest who Dave called Larry "Bud" Melman. He was a bit like a sidekick.

Calvert was this cute old man and would literally do *anything* Dave and the writers asked. He had no fear. He had no shame. He would often go to random places and interview people. But he was really bad at following the scripted material and would get confused and forget the jokes. He didn't understand how microphones worked. Any segment with him would go off the rails because he never quite understood the premise. Dave loved this tiny, elderly ball of chaos. The trainwreck was the joke.

Dave helped Super Dave Osbourne get his incompetent daredevil schtick out there. He let Andy Kaufman get in a fight with someone and no one could tell if it was a bit. (10:30)

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Johnny and Jay's Tonight Show was where all the normie comedians went to get their big break. Dave was where the weirdos flocked to. And some of them were terrible, but they were *always* fascinating. I don't think Frank Zappa would have his cult following without Dave.

Dave was the first to regularly do "remote" humor where he'd just go out into the world and get into trouble with real people. The segments were great but Dave struggled with social anxiety. So that eventually evolved into Dave hiding in a van and making a Chinese-American deli owner named Rupert Jee repeat awkward things said in a hidden earpiece.

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Dave's interview style was erratic. He was a very good host as long as he liked his guest. He loved having a real conversation with a fascinating person. He rivaled Craig Ferguson when those conditions were present. But if he didn't care for them, things would either get very awkward or very boring.

He didn't like pop celebrities who didn't have genuine talent. Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian would have driven him nuts and he would purposely seem bored when interviewing someone like that. Dave had trouble "faking it." And instead of Jimmy Fallon's cringe fake laughter, Dave would just appear utterly uninterested.

But if he didn't like someone and chose awkward over boring... hoo boy... it was *really* awkward. And Dave relished in the discomfort.

Madonna (who Dave acknowledged as genuinely talented) was unhappy about his monologue jokes. Essentially he alluded to her being a bit of a slut. It was typical Late Night comedy fodder at the time. I'm not endorsing it, I'm just saying everyone did it and society didn't have a problem with it at the time. She released a book about sex called... "Sex." Then she released an artistic softcore black and white erotic music video that most people felt was... more strange than sexy. She just kinda talk-singed to the same loop and made out with a dude while clips of a dancer in full body spandex came out of nowhere.

The Wayne's World parody was much better and somehow less weird.

Needless to say, people made fun of this pivot to weird erotic art.

In any case, Dave had Madonna on and she turned the weird up to 11. I think she was trying to get back at Dave, but it had the opposite effect. He saw where things were going and he just kinda... "let her cook."

He was delighted to watch the train wreck unfold.

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I mean, she was right. She was being slut shamed—by everyone, not just Dave. But she was so overtly odd that it was hard for people to hear that conversation within the chaos. And the only thing the mainstream news cared about was her potty mouth.

On the other hand, he liked Drew Barrymore a lot. Drew was a very good actress and she was charming and funny. She was just as weird as Madonna, but it was not oppressively weird.

I think Dave saw her more as a daughter figure. Or maybe he wanted to and was ashamed he wasn't successful? Or she made it difficult for him to be a father figure? Because she saw him as a... umm... daddy figure? He enjoyed her company but was uncomfortable with her affection, so her interview was awkward in a different way. This was especially famous because she ended up flashing him for his birthday.

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Dave was complicated. He was a former alcoholic. He suffered from social anxiety while having the world's most social job. He was the most private public figure you could imagine. He managed to have a sex scandal that no one seems to know about or talk about. He was involved with his personal assistant who regularly appeared on the show. Then her roommate tried to blackmail Dave for two million dollars by threatening to expose the affair. Dave decided to just fess up and helped the authorities with a sting operation to catch the extortionist.

Dave was self-conscious and neurotic. I don't think he liked himself for a very long time. Which is probably why he tried to blow up his life and family. But he loved his son and once that love took hold he seemed to get his shit together. He seemed like a different person. I liked Dave's comedy much more when his life was a hot mess. But I liked Dave as a person much more when he started choosing good behaviors. Much like Jimmy Kimmel, family seemed to make him a better person.

Dave pushed the late night format to the limit and inspired an entire generation of comedians. He encouraged them to try risky things and experiment and became the comedy mentor that Jay Leno wishes he was.

Also he loved his mom and sent her to the Olympics and it was the cutest thing ever.

I'm a sucker for people who love their moms.

Conan O'Brien

Conan was my comedy idol. If you have followed my comedy over the years, you might have noticed a similar embrace of... intelligent silliness.

Stupid smart?

He was a magna cum laude Harvard graduate and a clown without the makeup. He was originally a comedy writer and head of the famous Harvard Lampoon humor magazine. He went on to write for The Simpsons and SNL.

He wrote that monorail episode.

Every Conan fan who wants to share a fun fact will make sure you know he wrote the monorail episode. Kumail Nanjiani did a great bit about this during Conan's Mark Twain Prize ceremony (it's on Netflix).

After Jay took over The Tonight Show and Dave gave NBC the finger and left for CBS, the "Late Night" slot needed a new host. And Lorne Michaels decided this pale redheaded giant from the SNL writing staff might be a good choice. No one had any clue who he was. No one had any confidence in his success—including Conan.

And the only person who saw a spark of genius was... David Letterman. (2:20)

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Conan just started cranking out as much weird comedy as he could. The Masturbating Bear, Pimpbot 5000, FedEx Pope. There was a pooping robot at some point.

They had a sizeable robot budget.

He was the true spiritual successor to Dave's 80s Late Night show. By this time Dave mellowed out and didn't have the motivation and hunger to innovate like he used to. So Conan filled that role.

I think the reason Conan appealed to me specifically was because I saw a lot of myself in him. I was good at a lot of different styles of comedy—I had this almost shapeshifting ability to customize my humor to the person or audience I was entertaining. But eventually I decided I just wanted to make people feel good. I had to pick a style and stick with it. I wanted to make comedy comfort food that wasn't dumbed down or patronizing. It could be stupid and corny but I didn't want my audience to feel like they were stupid for liking it.

I don't know if I'm making any sense.

Conan was a genuinely nice guy and a constant people pleaser. He didn't have an edge and he didn't need one. He could do innovative comedy without punching down, without trying to push any offensive lines, without saying fucked up shit just to see if he could get away with it.

I'm not even knocking comedians who are skilled at dancing on the line. Some of my favorites of all time played with the line. Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Chris Rock.

Louis CK and Dave Chappelle before they...

*heavy sigh*

But so many comedians at the time thought that was an easy path to success. They didn't realize you had to be incredibly funny in order to stand next to or jump over the line. You had to compensate with amazing jokes to get away with it. But that takes effort and talent and finesse. They preferred laziness and brute forcing edgelord material.

And that is how we got a gaggle of Joe Rogans.

Hmm, we need a better collective noun.

That is how we got an ivermectin of Joe Rogans.

Conan was unapologetically silly. But it had this foundation of intelligence in the subtext. And every once in a while, he'd let an Abe Lincoln fun fact slip out (he could be a legit Lincoln historian if he wanted to). He made comedy for smart people who needed to turn down the volume of their brain for a bit.

Thinking is exhausting sometimes, but you can't shut it off completely.

Conan struggled for several years to find an audience. I think he was on the verge of cancellation every few weeks. I watched him every night from the first show. I started to see what Letterman saw. It was really neat to watch him learn and grow. He taught me that comedy was a journey. And eventually people found him and loved him and the rest is history.

My favorite running gag was definitely the Walker Texas Ranger lever. He'd randomly pull a big red lever and all it did was play a clip from the show. Everyone knows the Haley Joel Osment AIDS clip, but that was not my favorite. (2:40)

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Walker was an egalitarian karate pugilist.

It was such a brilliant bit that relied on Conan's setup and reaction. If he just played the clip without the antics, it would not hit as hard. It would be Jay Leno reading the newspaper.

And... I don't have the energy to fully explain Jordan Schlansky.

I wouldn't even know where to start.

The short version is... Conan doesn't quite know how to handle intense nerdy metrosexual autism and hilarity ensues.

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I encourage you to go down the Jordan Schlansky rabbit hole. I promise you will start watching and suddenly it will be tomorrow and you'll look at the clock and not be sure if it is AM or PM. If you are wondering, yes, he is really like that. But he pretends not to be self aware to make it funnier.

And then there is Sona. Conan's Armenian assistant who doesn't do a lot of assisting. They are basically siblings. You can tell she became part of his emotional support system. At times she matched Conan's comedic brilliance without any experience or training. She has perfect timing and can hilariously devastate his self esteem like an emotional assassin. (2:45)

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There is so much more, but you get the idea.

Conan is a brilliant, silly comedian. And he is a solid dude. Just like Leno, his staff stuck with him. He was a great boss that inspired fierce loyalty. They even moved from New York to Los Angeles for him. And when he lost The Tonight Show he started his own company just so he could keep everyone employed and paid. That eventually evolved into his successful Team Coco podcast network.

Before his TBS show, Conan was contractually obligated to not appear on television for a year. He went on a grueling tour across the country performing a live comedy musical variety show. This was mostly to maintain his staff until they could find a new TV home.

They made a documentary "Conan O'Brien Can't Stop" about this live variety show. Some people thought this revealed Conan to be a bit of a dick. But he just lost his dream job, his entire staff had no source of income, and he was going from city to city working 18 hour days, including a 2 hour, high energy stage show—all while trying to stave off his deep depression. (Also Jack McBrayer was an old friend, and that was an ongoing bit between them.)

I don't think I've seen Conan that vulnerable and that human and you could see his staff doing their best to keep him from imploding. He felt responsible for the livelihoods of hundreds of people. They loved him and knew he was doing it for them.

(And because he needs constant attention and validation, but what comedian doesn't?)

To end things I think I'd like to try one of my comedy exercises.

I'm going to do a Top 7½ list in the style of David Letterman Bob the Frog. I can only promise junior high level comedy.

(Also, if you have never seen Dave do one of these, number 1 always has a drumroll and is purposely bad.)

Top 7½ signs you are in a "clean" comedy club.

7½. The headlining comedian was cancelled for...

7. You ask for the drink specials and the waitress says they might have Diet Sprite in the back.

6. The comic was once ratio'd on Twitter after being called "Temu Jeff Foxworthy."

5. "Back in my day we had Transformers not transgenders. The Autobots' pronouns were roll/out."

4. The comic takes off his belt, holds it up to the crowd and says, "This was what we called Ritalin in the 80s."

3. Your seat has a gun holster next to the cup holder.

2. The comic assures everyone that he "found God" so there is no reason to google his name and "me too."

*drumroll*

Annnnd, the number 1 sign you may be in a clean comedy club is...

1. Thursday is "Free Tennis Balls for Your Walker Night!"

#long post #comedy #late night comedy #conan o'brien #jay leno #david letterman #johnny carson #the tonight show #late night #Youtube

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