#crossing everything that he just has an infection and/or his meds need an adjustment

[eastberlin]

Taking Robo to the vet in about an hour and I'm so afraid it's something bad.

[beerecordings]

Wait what about Anti????? Does he not need therapy??????

haha, great minds think alike i guess! i actually got an ask about a softer Anti too, but I’ll talk about a more classic Anti first. cause he DEFINITELY needs therapy, but it’s not going to be easy to get him there.

a classic evil Anti is going to be in a padded room talking to a therapist through glass, institutionalized and imprisoned for whatever he did that was criminal enough to justify him being taken away from society but insane enough he’s not in a traditional prison. and at first the only reason he’d talk to this stupid therapist they keep sending to him is trying to scare him, freak him out, have something to play with while he waits to get back to Jack and the others to torment them instead. the therapist would have to be an expert in criminal therapy - unfazed, unintimidated, “i’ve seen worse and you don’t scare me, you tiny Irish bastard,” just quietly listening and asking a couple questions and adjusting his medication as needed.

and let’s assume this therapist has an effect.

suddenly Anti is getting quieter, getting less cocky, having trouble now, losing his self-confidence as all the dark thoughts he has find themselves in a more stable brain, and suddenly start to look as scary as they are. he’s a little doped up from heavy-duty meds to keep him under control and stop him from hurting himself, and he’s starting to get thin and very pale, sitting on his bed with his knees drawn up to his chest, mumbling about the boy, the boy, the boy, clutching at his throat, sometimes giving off soft cries, asking for somebody to come save him, he doesn’t know what’s happening, he doesn’t know what he is...

and this, this is interesting. this is where the therapist really gets to digging. “What are you, then, Anti? Do you remember your parents? A creator, but not your father? Tell me about him. Why did you try to kill him? What was going through your head in that moment?”

and he starts to realize he’s dealing with HUGE delusions, and not just the narcissism. Anti is paranoid, Anti is self-loathing, Anti is obsessed and convinced that he needs to kill someone to get enough attention to survive, to have revenge on him for creating him as some broken error. He believes he’s some kind of demon, computer virus, copy of a man???

so the therapist starts trying to find distractions.

“You don’t want to be in here anymore, do you, Anti? I know, I know. It’s okay, don’t claw at yourself like that. That’s what we’re working on, right? Well, why don’t we try thinking about something other than the boy with the bloody throat. I want you to try something for me, but you can pick what.”

“Try something?”

“A hobby or something. Not one of the habits the boy had, no drums or video games or anything like that. A hobby you picked.”

“A hobby or something?” snaps Anti, hiding with his face against the wall, rocking himself. “You’ve said a lot of stupid fucking shit, Casper - ” he NEVER calls Casper “Doctor” and they don’t know how he learned his first name - “but that has got to be the stupidest idea yet. I’m going to give you frostbite and make you choose between chewing off your own fingers and let the infection spread. I’m going to pull your ribs out and you’ll still be alive to watch me dissolve them in acid. I’m going to find that cute little wife of yours and next week she’ll be the one sitting here in this bed, and you will scream to see what I have made of her.”

And Casper’s unfazed. Unintimidated. Unafraid.

“I’ll be back next week,” he says. “You have a decision for me by then. I’ll have the nurses remind you, so you can think about it. You tell them if you need anything. You tell them if you need me.”

Anti shoves his forehead against his knees and does not wish him goodbye.

But next week, he has an answer.

“Want to knit,” he croaks.

“You’re not allowed have anything sharp, Anti.”

Anti doesn’t say anything. Fuck, but he looks white today. Fuck, but he’s shaking hard. Casper’s never seen him scared quite like this.

“How are you doing today?” asks Casper.

Anti’s pupils are blown. He stares at the wall, licking at his dry lips. Rubbing at his throat.

“Anti,” says Casper, a little louder. “The nurses said you’re not eating. Do you want to be put on a tube again?”

Anti makes this noise Casper has never heard before.

Almost like a sob.

Casper waits for a long time to see if he can calm down. But today is not a good day and Anti is in pain, replaying memories in his mind, trying to reconcile the two self-images conflicting in his brain, trying to figure out why he did the things he did.

“I can see if there’s a way for you to knit without needles,” says Casper, softly.

At that, a tiny nod, the only response Anti has in him. Yes, please. He wants that. He wants to knit. He’s not doing well. He can’t take this obsession anymore. Can’t keep thinking about what the boy’s doing, what the boy’s eating, what videos he’s made, what it would look like to see him die, what it would feel like to kill him, to end him, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, this used to make him high and now he’s leaning over the bed to choke up bile on an empty stomach, trying to scream but only able to sob, clutching at his throat, grabbing at his throat, squeezing at his throat -

He has to be sedated. by the time next week rolls around, Anti is being fed through a tube, drugged out of his mind, watching with agonized eyes as the one nurse he tolerates comes to take care of him like he’s some weak, broken thing. sometimes she even pushes the hair out of his eyes, her warm hand brushing against his forehead, and he lets himself think about the way the boy used to have people to hold him and hug him and show him affection, and it used to make happy chemicals light up in his brain and smile cross the face they share, and he wasn’t in pain...

The knitting gives him something else to focus on.

Maybe a little too much. He knits obsessively, without pattern, just looping, looping, looping, looping a longer and longer blanket, his eyes fixed on it, only eating when his nurse tells him he has to if he doesn’t want his yarn taken away. for once, he does not mumble to himself, does not try to slam his hands against the wall or tear his throat open, does not speak of the boy.

Until Casper comes back the next week.

A long line of knitted yarn stretches out on Anti’s feet. There’s a little color in his cheeks again. A little light in his eyes. Casper prepares himself for yelling, for insults, for threats to make lesser men weak in the knees.

“How are you doing today, Anti?”

Anti loops, loops, loops.

“Better since last week?”

Loops, loops, loops.

“You know, it’s six months since you came here. Did you know that?”

Stops looping.

And for a second, everything frantic and angry and violent and cruel falls away from his face, and he is just another patient, another young man who’s done terrible things, who needs Casper because nobody else cares to care about him.

And he says, “I hate him because I am not as complete as he is, and I feel like a shattered thing, and I wish he made me whole.”

It’s a breakthrough.

Anti picks up other hobbies. He reads. He draws a little. Once, he’s even allowed out into the mess hall, and he bounces a ball back and forth, quietly, with another inmate.

They start to talk meaningfully. He’s disorganized mentally and hard to follow, yes, and he’s still violent and threatening, still angry and cruel. but sometimes, in a blue moon, he bares his wounds to this quiet, unafraid man, watching him from across clear glass.

They talk about Anti’s hurt. About Anti’s hatred. About life outside of this room, but not outside of the institution.

He’s never getting out, of course. Or he’s not supposed to. But, well. He does. Somehow. He’s the only inmate ever to escape this place.

Casper still thinks of him sometimes.

Hopes he’s doing well.

[zodiacal-dust-and-curls]

Fragile

A/N: No one requested this. It’s almost in celebration of the end of the Mercury retrograde. Thanks to my beta and PSM @mollymarymarie ily 🖤 Enjoy!

Warnings: illness, pregnancy scare, pregnancy, anxiety, depression (This was rough. I’m sorry?)

Word Count: 1.5k

Your flat was spotless. It was always kept neat, but there was usually some telltale sign of life; an open notebook, your ongoing crochet project, or your latest cup of tea. Something. But there was nothing. It was like you hadn't been there in days.

Brian was worried. You were always so good about letting him know if you would deviate from your plans. It was just lunch, but Brian had been gone for 2 weeks and was looking forward to seeing you again.

He rang your best friend to see if they had seen you. “Y/F/N, have you seen Y/N?”

“Brian, thank God you're back.” It came out so quickly. The last few days had been a wreck.

“Why do you sound so stressed? What's going on?” Brian was lost. You were missing. Y/F/N was stressed. Something had to have gone horribly wrong.

“Meet me at Y/N's flat. I'll be there in 5 minutes. There's too much to say over the phone.” There was a click and dial tone before Brian could object. So he waited as patiently as he could for the answers he so desperately needed.

You had been in the hospital for 2 days now. The doctors said that you had an ulcer due to a bacterial infection. Which was the reason you had been sick everyday for the last week and the reason you'd finally collapsed while studying with your best friend. You had terrified the poor dear, but now that you were on the mend, they were doing much better.

The chain of events that lead to this precise moment could probably be traced back to your first year of university. That was when you'd met Brian and you were immediately smitten. He was kind, reserved, and intelligent. You couldn't figure out what an astrophysics student was doing in your conservation biology class, but he had revealed an intense passion for preserving wildlife during syllabus week.

The two of you had been attached at the hip since then, despite very different class schedules. After a few months, he finally admitted that he had feelings for you and asked you to go steady. It was all too easy to accept and adjust to your new routine.

As the band took off, the two of you grew closer together and you learned more about Brian. Now, you knew him like the back of his hand. He was a creature of habit and very easy to predict. He also suffered from severe bouts of melancholy from time to time, you’d learned what would cause them and how to avoid triggering an episode. So although things were touch and go occasionally, you wouldn't trade a day with him for a single moment without.

Avoiding an episode was exactly what had landed you here. Your final set of midterms were upon you and a couple of your classes had the opportunity to end up below “sea level” if you weren't careful. Not to mention, you were late.

Two weeks late and sick constantly. It was nerve wracking to bring it up to the nurse, but you needed to know. She promised to get a test done discreetly and slip you the results when they came in.  

It had barely registered to you that Brian was supposed to return home today until your best friend had called to let you know that they were both on their way. Everything would have to come out. Everything. Hiding it would only be worse.

No one knew about the test except you and the nurse. You weren't sure what you would do if it came back positive. You weren't sure what Brian would do either. You'd had a few calls while he was away, but never brought it up. This could send him spiraling and you couldn't handle that and midterms and being sick. It would be too much.

You'd fallen asleep with the help of pain meds and woke up to Brian by your side. He looked so tired. The trip must have been productive for him not to get much rest. You reached out and took his hand, drawing his attention to you.

“Good morning, Starlight.” He smiled sadly. This must be doing a number on him.

“Good morning to you, too, Sunlight. How was your trip?” You smiled with as much energy as you could muster. The medications had been helping, but you were still so tired.

“It was fine. We can talk about it later.” He was trying to deflect. Clearly, something was pressing on his mind. “Can you tell me what happened? Y/F/N wasn't very clear. They weren't making a lot of sense.”

You took a deep breath and got ready to launch into your story. You gave his hand another squeeze and held on for dear life.

“I'm so sorry for not telling you earlier.” You met his eyes. They were filled with worry.

“I've just been so stressed with school. These are some of my last exams and my classes aren't going as well as they should be.” You were so disappointed with yourself.

“So I've been pushing myself. And I haven't told you because you've been so busy with the band and your doctorate. I just can't bear to overburden you.” Brian looked ready to give you the lecture of your life, so  you continued on. “My reward for being so foolish is an ulcer that's made me sick for the last week from an infection and stress that's compounding all the symptoms. I think I've learned my lesson.”

If anything, Brian only seemed more dead set on that lecture.

“Y/N, I'm not going to break. You don't have to hide bad things from me. We're meant to be partners, after all this time. You need to tell me things.” He wrapped his other hand around your wrist, careful to mind the IV line that was keeping you hydrated, and pressed a kiss to your hand as he raised it to his lips. The worried look hadn't left his eyes yet, but it was starting to lessen.

“I promise I will. I'm so sorry for putting you through this.” You unfurled your hand to caress his cheek. You had missed him so much while he was gone. “There's something else I should tell you, though.”

Before you could get much further than that, the nurse you'd been waiting on showed up. She placed an envelope on your legs and quickly left the room, not wanting to disclose anything that could make you uncomfortable.

Brian grabbed the envelope for you, but held it for just a minute. “I will give this to you, but I need to know what else you have to tell me.”

You took another deep breath. It was now or never, no going back.

“I might be pregnant and the answer is in that envelope.”

Something crossed his eyes and made them look like he was very far away. He handed the envelope over and waited while you opened it.

Highlighted in that oh so familiar neon yellow, there was one line of text that held your fate. “HCG: negative”

You teared up in relief. Kids were something you wanted one day, but not right now. You were too young, life was too unpredictable.

“Starlight?” You'd been so swept up in emotion you almost forgot about Brian.

“I'm not pregnant.” You turned to look at him. He had returned to you, but you couldn't place his emotion.

“One day, Sunlight. One day we can have all the children you want,” you were making a promise you so desperately wanted to keep. “Today is not ours, but we will get there, one day.”

You were lucky enough to be discharged later that day by your new favorite nurse. She gave you all the facts you needed on your condition and new medications. She also managed to secure a doctor's note that would postpone your midterms by 2 days. She was currently your savior.

Brian was given the task of helping you out for the next couple days as your strength returned. You would be semi-dependant on him while you were studying and confined to your bed or couch. He seemed determined to prove that he wasn't as fragile as you thought he was. He wanted to show you more than anything that you could depend on him.

Flash forward: 2 years.

It had been another 2 weeks of constant nausea and fatigue. You'd been controlling your stress better and keeping Brian in your internal loop. The two of you (read you) had learned how to share the load, without overworking yourselves. You were pretty sure that there was no ulcer this time.

In just 2 short minutes, you’d know.

You walked downstairs to see a mess of curls slumped next to a mug on the kitchen table. Brian had pretty much moved in during midterms your last year of uni and you couldn't find a reason to kick him out.

“Good morning, Sunlight.” It came out in a sing-song voice. A groan that sounded like “Morning, Starlight”.

“You can do better than that.” You poked at the curls and were rewarded with a sleepy smile and an arm wrapped around your waist. “There you are, my Sunlight. I think you'll find that today is our day.”

A/N: I really love these pet names, y’all. Each has been made into the study of the other. Sorry. 

Tag List: @rogers-wristbands @gwilym-may

[lilulo-12fanfiction]

Nothing Breaks Like A Heart- 3

So this took me about 8 years to write. I’m not sure why. But it’s unedited so please ignore the mistakes. The spacing looks off but I’m posting this on mobile so I’ll look at it on my laptop mañana. Likes, comments and reblogs are much appreciated!

Masterlist

Tag List:

@fanfictionjunkie1112 @shreddedparchment

“Uncle Tony! Uncle Tony!” A 6 year old Nora ran to her Uncle and he scooped her up in his arms. “I missed you!” Nora repeatedly kissed her young uncle’s clean shaven face.

“I missed you too baby doll. Why don’t you go over and see Grandpa Obe. I think he has a present for you.” Tony set Nora down and she ran down the hall.

Nora was dreaming. She knew she was. She was standing there watching her memory unfold. It was the strangest dream. She had never had one like this.

“Hello Nora.” Nora slowly turned as her hands trembled. She knew the voice. She took a shaky breath and came face to face with Loki.

“How are you in my dream?” Loki gave Nora a smirk.

“I’m a God Nora Stark. There are many things I can do.”

“Then why are you here?”

“We had so little time together. There is much you don’t know. Things your father hid from you and your Uncle. I’m here to lead you to the truth. Pay attention to this.” Loki turned you back to the scene before you. This couldn’t be your memory. You had left the room.

“Grant- it’s her birthday and every year you leave her here and vanish for days. Eventually she’s not going to be okay with it. You lost your wife. But she lost her mother.”

“Her mother is gone and it’s my job to protect her from what’s to come. I leave to protect her. You don’t understand.”

“Then make me understand.”

“If Nora here infringes on your extra curricular activities, I can get a Nanny.”

“Don’t be stupid. This has nothing to do with her being here. I look forward to this all year. But I’m worried that some day she’s going to resent you and it will be too late.”

“She’s not you. And I’m not our father so just stop. I’ll see you in a week.” Tony stood staring blankly as his brother stormed out. He had no idea what he was hiding. He had left without even saying goodbye to Nora.

“Protect me from what’s to come? What does that mean?!” Nora demanded answers from Loki.

“You have to put it together on your own. I can guide you Nora but you must put the pieces together. “

Before Nora could respond she jolted awake. Her heart was pounding and she couldn’t catch her breath. She felt like she was in a bad version of a Dickens Novel

“That must have been some dream” A deep voice came from her right. She looked over and saw Steve Rogers sitting in the chair next to her bed in the med wing.

“It was intense.” Nora started to regain her bearings.

“Look. I know you don’t want to see me and you think I’m the bad guy. But I had to make that decision. Tony knew what he was doing. I couldn’t risk everything he was willing to sacrifice. I wouldn’t have made that choice if”

“Steve. Steve. I know. I was a bitch. I was emotional and upset and I took it out on you. I’m sorry I spoke to you like that. It was just a lot and I think the poison in my system is making me delirious or something but I know you made the right decision. My uncle wouldn’t able to live with himself if people died to save him.” Steve took Nora’s hand. He could tell she was getting upset again.

“It’s forgotten. It was a difficult day. I’m just glad you and Tony are okay.”

“I think okay is stretch.” Nora laughed.

"Well physically okay." Steve squeezed Nora's hand as the door to her room opened. Bruce walked in, seemingly surprised to see Steve sitting there.

"You ready to get out of here?" Bruce had a strange look on his face.

"I thought you said I'd be here for longer?" Nora furrowed her brow.

"Well, we originally thought you would need IV Antibiotics for longer. It seemed like a nasty infection. But apparently it is healing a lot quicker than anticipated. You aren’t out of the woods but we can switch you to oral antibiotics now. You're still going to be sore and the stitches may give you some trouble but we should be able to take them out soon. There's no reason for you to stay in this bed any longer. But Nora, you need to take it easy for a bit."

“Define take it easy” Bruce looked exasperated as he ran his palm down his face.

“You need to stay in the building for now. We don’t want you exposed to any other bacteria. We don’t know how this will affect your immune system. You’re going to have to keep your leg elevated and the swelling down and crutches to walk.

“So really just like being here but in my own bed or on my ass wheeling around. Bruce I have work to do. The tower is a mess. The city is a mess.”

“It’s not up to you to fix it. You need to take care of yourself.” Nora’s lips were pursed. “Don’t look at me like you’re trying to appease me. You have

to follow instructions.” Bruce was pleading. “Or I’ll call Tony and you’ll stay here.”

“She’ll follow directions Dr. Banner. I’ll make sure of it.” Steve had his arms crossed in front of his chest with authority. Nora’s nostrils flared. Before she could attempt to argue Steve continued talking. “You’re going to need help. Tony needs to recover himself. I, however, am already healed. Let me help you.”

“Must be nice being a Super Soldier, but fine.” Nora threw her hands up. “But don’t even think about trying to treat me like a child.” Nora pointed her finger at Steve with raised eyebrows.

"Wouldn't dream of it."

♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾

Steve wheeled Nora into her apartment. Both he and Bruce insisted on her using it to get to her wing of the tower and use it to go anywhere else in the tower except around her loft.

"Now what?' Nora sighed. Steve could tell she was upset but was trying not to show it.

"Now, I'm going to order some dinner. I don't think you want to be poisoned by my cooking on top of everything else. And then we can watch a movie or whatever you want to do."

"I need to shower, I feel disgusting." Steve nodded and was about to wheel her down to her room. "No, give me the crutches. I'm not an invalid" Steve rolled his eyes and handed her the crutches. He didn't attempt to help her to her feet, he knew she wouldn't let him. He watched her hobble down the hall to her bedroom. He opened a few drawers in her kitchen until he found some menus and pulled them out to decide what to get them for dinner.

Behind the door of her bathroom, Nora let a sob escape from her mouth. She was trying so hard to keep her emotions tucked inside, but after what had just happened she was floored. Aliens, Gods, more aliens. She had no idea what she would have done if she had lost her Uncle. She let her tears flow as she hobbled over to her dresser and pulled out a grey t-shirt and a pair of lavender and grey striped shorts. She struggled for a few moments to figure out how to get changed. She couldn't put any pressure on her leg without horrifying pain. She took a deep breath to center herself and went to the door. "Steve?" she called out. She heard his heavy foot steps and soon he was at her door. "Can you see if you can get Nat or Pepper in here?"

"Nat isn't here, she's at SHEILD. Pepper is doing a press conference right now. Are you okay?" Nora didn't want to open the door for Steve to see her tear stained face.

"I just." She paused. "I can't get changed to get into the shower."

"Do you...do you want my help?" Nora groaned. She didn't want to wait until Pepper would be done. It could be hours. She'd have to swallow her pride and let him help her. She wiped her face as best she could and opened the door. "Nora...you're crying." She clearly she hadn't done a good enough job.

"I'm fine." She stepped back so Steve could walk in. He enveloped her in a hug. She stood there shocked for a moment and then hugged him back and then she felt the damn of tears burst open. He slipped his arm behind her knees and picked her up like she was a feather and walked over to her bed so they could sit. He held her as she cried. "I'm sorry. I don’t know why I’m so damn emotional” She sobbed. "I don't normally break down and cry in front of people. I just..."

"Shhh...don't you dare apologize. And don't hold this all in. I've got you. You're safe with me. These past couple of days have been a lot.” Nora took a deep breath. They sat like that for a while. Nora across Steve’s lap as he had his arms wrapped around her torso and hers around his neck. Finally Nora pulled back.

“I really need to shower but I need help.” Her face turned pink.

“I can help you. I won’t look. It’s okay.” Steve helped her stand up and into her bathroom. She grabbed a towel from her linen cabinet and set it on the counter. Steve opened her shower door and started the water. “How hot do you want it?”

“So hot it almost melts my face off?” Steve laughed.

“I’m not going to turn it that hot. You can adjust it once you get in.” Nora nodded.

“Okay, this is awkward, let’s just power through. I can’t balance to take my pants on or off.” Steve nodded. “I’m going to turn around. I feel like my bare ass is less embarrassing. I mean an ass is ass.”

“However you’re most comfortable “‘Steve laughed. Nora turned around and pulled her t-shirt off and threw it in the hamper. Steve felt his mouth go dry. Nora felt his hands on her hips. “Okay I’m going to slide them off.” Nora nodded. She felt the heat burning on her cheeks. She felt like someone was blowing bubbles in her stomach. She was painfully aware of how firm Steve was holding her waste. His calloused hands were hot against her skin. Suddenly she was painfully aware that she was completely naked. “Can you step in by yourself?” Nora nodded unable to speak. She stepped in and quickly shut the door behind her. “I’m going to go back into your room. The towel is right here. Call me when you’re ready for me.

“Okay. Thanks Steve.” Nora felt her heart pounding.

“Of course. I’ll be right outside”. Steve ran his hands down his face. He spent the entire time thinking of the most non-sexual thoughts he could to avoid being turned on. He was attracted to Nora, she was beautiful, but there was something about her that was magnatizing.

He looked around her room. The walls were a grayish purple. The room wasn’t as big as he thought it would be, but it was still bigger than any room he had ever slept in. There was a slanted ceiling near the bathroom that created a large alcove where an oak roll top desk and chair was located. She had a matching chest of drawers that matched the desk as well as a large bookshelf that was loaded with books. Nora being a bookworm made him smile. Her king sized bed was in the middle of the room with an oak nightstand on one side and on the other was an elaborate lamp. It was built like a tree and was covered with glass flowers that all had tiny light bulbs in the middle. There was a smaller black lamp on the night stand.

Parallel to the wall with the door was a set of glass french doors with trim painted the black. It led out to a substantial balcony. Steve imagined Nora spent a lot of time out there. Her glanced over at her bluish purple bed spread that was a soft chenille. It was simple and loaded with pillows. He wondered how she fit in the bed with that many pillows. He walked over to the bookshelf and took a picture off to study it. It had

to be her parents. Grant was the spitting imagine of Howard Stark, even more than Tony. He knew the woman was her mother, although her hair was blonde it hung in spirals like Nora’s. She also had the same captivating sea green eyes as her daughter. Next to that was a picture of an older Howard and he assumed Maria who was holding a little bundle he was sure was Nora. Steve knew they didn’t live much longer after the picture had been taken. He glanced at a few photos of Nora and Grant. There was one of Nora, maybe 12, with Pepper. There was then an onslaught of photos of Nora and Tony. Ones with a young Tony and a toddler Nora. He saw her grow up in the photos. Her High School graduation, prom, a Christmas photo. Despite all of her loss, Tony has given her the best life possible. Not with his money, but with how much he loved her. The pride in his eyes in each photo jumped out at you. His favorite picture was of her and Tony, she was holding a cello and happiness was radiating from her.

Steve jumped and put the photo with back when he heard the bathroom door open. Nora hobbled out wearing her towel and holding her clothes. “I’m all done.” Her voice was quiet and sheepish.

“Here, sit down on the edge of the bed.” Steve helped her over as she sat. He took the black cotton boy short panties and slid them up to her knees and did The same with her shorts. “If you stand will you be able to pull them up the rest of the way?” Nora nodded. Steve tried to ignore her blazingly red face. “Okay, I’ll help you stand and then you can finish getting dressed. Your crutches are right there on the bed.” Steve helped her stand and then headed towards her door.

“Steve?” He heard her say in almost a whisper. “Thank you.” He nodded at her with a smile and headed back out to the living room.

♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾♾

Nora used her crutches to get back out to the main area. Her large apartment started with an open floor plan. The substantial kitchen and living room were what you saw when you walked in. Dark hardwood floors throughout. Parallel to her door was a long hallway with 5 doors. On the right hand side was first the guest bedroom and the master bedroom at the end of the hall. On the other side there were two more doors with a half bath in the middle. Each bedroom had its own bathroom.

“So I ordered some pizza and wings. I figured it was a safe bet.”

“That’s fine, but I’m not really hungry to be honest.”

“You definitely have to eat Nora. All of that medicine will kill your stomach.” She nodded and hobbled over to the living room. She had a large taupe microfiber couch with ottoman at each end and two over sized chairs on each side. There was an antique looking entertainment center and above it, mounted to the wall was a large flat screen TV. About 6 feet back from the couch was a large wooden table with a marble top. It had a long bench on the side closest to the wall with 3 large chairs Across from it and 2 on each end. There was a wall of floor to ceiling windows. Across from the large table right next to the windows was a baby grand piano. Nora sat on the couch propping her leg up on the ottoman.

“You really don’t have to stay Steve. I’ll be fine.” Nora finally said. Steve had been studying her profile after she sat down. She looked overwhelmed and slightly sad.

“I know you’d be fine but you really shouldn’t be alone. Something could happen and you’re not at 100%. Unless you don’t want me here, I could call Nat.”

“No that’s not it. I just feel bad that I’m hijacking your life.” Steve walked over and sat next to Nora and faced her.

“You’re not hijacking anything. There’s no place else I’d rather be.” His warm smile set her at ease. His hand was next to hers and she linked her pinky with his. Steve was amazed that a tiny little touch could send his heart racing. Before either of them could say or do anything else there was a knock on the door. Steve jumped up to open it and was greeted by Tony’s confused face. He walked past Steve into the apartment. Steve could tell he was trying to appear uninjured but his movements said otherwise. Even after a few days since the battle his face was bruised up.

“Wasn’t expecting to see you here Cap.” Tony glanced over his shoulder with a knowing look at Steve. He looked guilty and Nora looked flustered.

“Uh Dr. Banner had some stipulations on letting Nora out of the med bay so I told him I’d stick around to help.”

“Jarvis- have some clothes sent over for the Captain if he’s staying here. Don’t need him smelling up the place.” Tony ordered his A.I. He smiled at Nora and kissed her on the cheek and sat down next to her. “Hi babydoll, how’s my girl?” Steve stepped into the kitchen to give them some privacy. He sat at the large island on one of the stools. The marble top on the island and the rest of the counters matched the table. The color of the cabinets matched the color of her furniture. Her french door refrigerator and 6 burner stove as well as the dish washer were black. He looked at the walls of the entire area. The color was a very pale turquoise. Almost so pale it was white. One wall on the living room side behind the table and piano was exposed brick. Her tastes were simple and clean.

“I’m okay. Really tired still. How are you? Shouldn’t you be resting?”

“Oh honey I’m fine. I’ve had worse than this.”

Nora gave him a skeptical look. “I came over once I heard you were back over here to see if you wanted to stay on my floor so you weren’t alone, but I see you aren’t.”

“You need to take care of yourself and not worry about me. You fell out of the sky!”

“Banner broke my fall.” Tony gave his signature smirk. “But I see you’re in good hands here so I’m going to head back over before Pepper comes hunting for me. Call me if you need anything.” Tony kissed her forehead. “Love you Nori. Keep that leg up and don’t try to over do it.”

“Ditto, on all accounts.” She smiled adoringly up at her Uncle. He gave her a shrug.

“My legs are fine.” He turned to Steve and nodded “Captain.” After a second glance, he headed out the door.

Steve managed to get Nora to eat a piece of pizza and a couple of wings. He took it as a victory. He walked back over to the couch and handed Nora her antibiotics and some of her pain medication. She swallowed it quickly with her water. Steve sat down next to her as she picked another movie.

“You look exhausted. Why don’t we call it a night.”

“I don’t want to sleep” Nora confessed.

“You need some rest. It’ll help you heal.”

“If I sleep, I’ll dream and I’d like to avoid that.” Concern was draped over Steve’s face.

“Nightmares?”

“Among other things.”

“Here lean forward.” As Nora moved he slid behind her so she could rest her torso on his and stretch her legs out across the couch. It took Nora a moment to settle back, taken by surprise. Once she was resting against him Steve covered them with the large blanket that was on the back of the couch. “Rest, go to sleep. If you start having a nightmare I’ll wake you up.” Nora nodded and then started the movie. About 15 minutes after the movie started her head fell back against Steve’s shoulder. Steve leaned his head back and closed his eyes, the sweet smell of Nora’s shampoo helping him drift off to sleep.

[reverseblackholeofwords]

Day 13.

One day away from two full weeks.

The unluckiest of days.

The last day Anti wanted to get out of his pillow fort, but he rolled over, back and muscles stiff, and dragged himself to the entrance. Flopping himself onto the floor, he twitched in small bits, byte by byte exploring his body and trying to ease into the sore muscles and aching body that had been so savagely abused lately. Inch by inch, his eyes climbed upwards, blinking up at a yellow-shirted droid. A familiar hole of dread punched its way through his gut, and Anti sighed, climbing upwards and onto his haunches, kicking his legs out and avoiding the Google’s gaze.

“I-it’s Daay 13,” Oliver stammered, and Anti nodded. “Google Blue h-as been mi-issing for - it’s b-been 13 days!”

“Not yet, Ollie,” Anti sighed, forcing himself to his feet and staggering slightly as he core locked up against his wishes. “He’s been gone for 12 days… today is the 13th day since then.”

“I KN-OOW THAT!!” the droid cried suddenly, and Anti flinched, half a glitch ripping through him as he recoiled, the spasm nearly knocking him off his feet. “I-I KNOW T-THAT! I KNOW THA-AT! I KNO-OW THAT-T!!”

“Okeh, Google,” Anti said shortly, head still bowed and arm gripped loosely around his middle. Oliver froze and snapped straight, his eyes copying the “G” on his chest as they both flashed yellow. Digging into his scalp past a yawn, Anti knocked his hand against his temple to rattle a question up in his sleepy mind. “How - uh, how many … emperor penguins are there in the world?”

“According to a study performed by National Geographic in 2017, there are approximately 95,000 emperor penguins in the world right now.”

“Cool, cool,” the glitch muttered as he shuffled his way across the room to where Green was on his recharging bed. “Uh, okeh Google…”

Oliver chirped from behind him again, Anti addressing him as he surveyed Green with his eyes.

“Who started National Geographic?”

As Oliver launched into the explanation, Anti took a deep breath and glitched into Green’s systems, searching and scrubbing around in case any more viruses had sprung up over night. Of course, there was nothing, and he tumbled out of the droid and into a nearby chest with a sharp gasp.

“State your directive!” Google Red hissed, and Anti, rubbing his head and bumping back into Green, frowned up at him.

“I’m searching for any more viruses,” he spat, coughing at the blood that sputtered into his neck. “Damn…” One hand cupped the cut as he stumbled to the counter, grappling clumsily for the bandages Doc had given him. “Red, come help me,” he turned to the droid, who frowned, but moved towards him none the less. As Red took the bandages, Anti holding them in place as they wrapped them around his neck, he kept one ear cocked for the end of Oliver’s rant. “We’ve got to set up a new - uh, perimeter to search for Blue. I’ve already hit - hit downtown, and along the highway for, what, 15 miles?”

“Yes,” Red nodded. “As well as the quarry and old factory district 31 miles out of town on the north-northeast side. That was where you got this,” he picked up Anti’s arm to reveal the concrete burn on it.

“It’s fine,” grumbled the glitch, handing Red the bandages over his shoulder. “But we have to keep looking. O-okeh, Google, who was Alexandeh Graham Bell?”

“Are you - do - you require med-medical attention?” Red stammered, passing the wrap to Anti who passed it back over his other shoulder.

“’M fine,” Anti muttered, a half-glitch ripping through him and hurtling him onto the table with a loud cry. Red, stepping back, dropped his hands to his sides.

“O-okeh, Red, uh-” he pushed from the table, but Red stepped before him, cornering him.

“You are not fine,” he snarled, the glitch’s eyes flashing black and meeting his glare.

“’M fine,” he hissed, holding the bandage against this neck and coughing up some more specks of blood.

“Day 13!” Oliver suddenly shrieked, and Anti swore loudly, crossing to the other -

“Gah! Red-!” he chocked, spinning around and yanking on the bandage Red had snagged. The droid’s eyes flashed, and he yanked backwards, Anti stumbled to him.

“Let go of me!” Anti spat, gripping the leash in one fist, the other gripping his neck. “I need to go calm Ollie back down-!”

“Google Yellow has been attacked by a virus,” Red said, a mechanical edge in his voice. It gave Anti pause, feeling himself bristle, and he slowly straightened.

“Yeah, I know that, bro, which is why I gotta - gaah! Let go of me!”

“Primary objective is to protect the other Google IRL units,” growled the droid, yanking Anti closer.

“R-Red?” he whimpered, standing only inches away.

Suddenly, Red screamed, shoved Anti away from him, and collapsed, grabbing his head.

“Red!” Anti cried, stumbling to his side and shaking the droid’s shoulder. “Fight it, Red! Damnit, you’re the only one left! Fight it!”

“Day 13!”

“Not now, Ollie!”

“GET OUT O-OF ME!” Red shrieked, glitches spreading over his skin, which was rapidly growing hot as his systems kicked into overdrive to combat the infection.

“Hang on, Red,” Anti instructed, sucking in a breath and trying to glitch into his brother’s systems, but something like a blast of heat and razor blades hit him, propelling him out of the android’s system and across the room. “Damn-!” he cried, rolling to a stop and dragging himself onto his stomach as pain radiated through him.

Heavy footsteps, thundering and rhythmic, approached him, and Anti pulled himself to his hands and knees with a few more swears.

“Okeh Google! Okeh Google!” he repeated, hearing Oliver from the far corner of the room buzz in response. Red, however, continued to stomp towards him. “NO! NOT YOU, OLLIE!” Glitching, Anti stumbled to his feet behind Red, and spun around. Ollie continued to stare at him blankly, waiting for a command, and Green remained unresponsive in his charging dock. The other Egos had made plans in case Red was also taken by the virus, but he - he couldn’t just let them - Red was still his brother! He had to protect him from - he was  - 

Locking his arms around his brother when Red swung for him, Anti ground his teeth together and glitched them both to the roof, landing in a heap that Red happily kicked over.

“Ow! Dude!” Anti hissed, trying to stand as Red kicked him again. “Sta-stap, Red! It’s me - gah! It’s me, dude! It’s An- ah! Anti!”

Unable to stop the onslaught, Anti glitched back for the entrance to the roof, collapsing against it with another pained cry. He had been doing that too much, lately, and he snarled, only flopping himself further to the ground when he tried to wrestle back control of his spasming muscles. Suddenly, Red was on top of him again, pinning the glitch against the wall by his throat and driving his fists into his sides and middle repeatedly.

When it finally stopped once something ripped Red off him, Anti slid to the roof. Everything trembled and little glitches broke out all over his skin, the glitch curling into a tight ball and whimpering at the waves of pain that kicked his insides around. 

“Anti?” a soft voice greeted, and Anti glitched to his feet in fright, immediately sinking to his knees again and coughing up the blood that gurgling into his throat. “Anti,” the voice repeated, a few feet away now, but just as soft. His vision swam, but Anti raised his eyes with a hiss, seeing a familiar dull coat drift in and out of his surroundings. Something pink stood over the red stain that was Red’s shirt, and the roof dug into his elbows as the glitch collapsed.

“Hosty,” he breathed, the blind man hurrying to his side and patting Anti’s wild, messy hair when he knelt at his side. “Easy, Anti, I’ll take you to Edward-”

“Red-?”

“Wilford will take him to the panic room,” muttered the Host, head inclining slightly in the pink ego’s direction.

“Don’t - ‘urt 'em,” Anti breathed, teeth clenching tight as another wave of pain passed over him.

“Now why would I do something silly like that, you rapscallion?” Wilford wiggled, dropping his gun and putting his hands on his hips. Anti peaked one eye open, and scraped together a glare in the glittery man’s direction. “No hurting him,” Wilford nodded, adjusting the gun in his hands again. “Got it.”

~ ~ ~

When Anti dragged himself back towards the pillow fort, Doc at his elbow, he nearly collapsed inside, half asleep by the time his dad caught up. Doc tried to make him comfortable with the flat pillows and wrinkled blankets, told him something about taking it easy, maybe something about pizza, and left. As Anti finally drifted asleep, he heard a voice, quiet and mechanical, pace back and forth across the otherwise dead silent room.

“Day 13,” Oliver muttered. “Day 13… Day 13… Day 13…”

Submitted by: @rubbersoles19

You’re too good at thiiiiss!!

[jaimistoryteller]

Sota’s GoFundMe Update Chronicles

I realize that some might wish to be able to read all the updates together, but I don’t want to add them to the previous GoFundMe Post because then it gets to be a bit huge. So I am making this masterpost to keep copies of all his updates beneath the cut. 

Sota’s GoFundMe Link

8/20/18

Hello Folks,

I hate to have to ask for help again, but my precious boy is sick and needs to see the vet for a series of tests to see if the medication and special diet he’s been put on to help him is working or not. Any and all help, whether sharing or financial, is appreciated.

For those on twitter, I have a pinned post if you would be kind enough to share, that would be appreciated.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this,

Jaimi

8/21/18 Update

Thank you so much to the people who shared this or have given money towards his medical bills. Currently at 30 dollars. I know at a minimum I will need 450 dollars.

Sota is eating his canned food from the special diet the way the vet was hoping he would. He’s also taking his meds without fighting too much.  Both of which are positive signs.

Another positive sign is it is taking his body longer to process water. He’s not just drinking, peeing, drinking more. He seems to be retaining part of it. *fingers crossed*

After realizing the water at my house could be part of the problem, because we live near one of the military bases that is being tested currently, I got some gallon water for my pets, and Sota seems to like it more.

8/22/18

Today’s been a good day for Sota, he’s eaten a can and a half of food, and taken his meds. He was sparky when I tried giving him his shot, and didn’t want to hold still for it.

I am at 60 of the 450 minimum for the next vet appointment, all help is vastly welcome and appreciated!

8/23/18 

Thank you so much to all you wonderful people for helping me get to 105 dollars. I know without you all giving and sharing, it never would have happened! Sota is being very feisty today! I am excited to report that he is drinking, eating and litter boxing properly.   He spent almost an hour playing for the first time in weeks! Of course, he spent four hours napping afterwards, but I still count it as a win. Thank you all so much. I am hopeful the blood work will show positive results.

8/26/18 Update

There’s been no new improvements today, but he’s stable, for which I am thankful, and he took his meds with very little fighting, only some cat glaring.

Still trying to get to the 450, right now at 105 on here, 20 on paypal, and 20 cash from an craft fair. That puts me at 145 of the 450.  There’s still a few weeks left, but I’d like to have the money at least four days a head of time, so I can transfer it over and know it will be available when I go to the vet.

Thank you once more to everyone who has shared or donated, it means more than words can express.

8/28/18 Update

Sorry I didn’t update yesterday, I wasn’t feeling good and wasn’t online much. 

For the most part Sota seems to have stabilized. He’s not a fan of meds but takes them without arguing, his special diet is hit or miss however. Sometimes he eats it no problems, other times he argues with me about it.  

Thank you to everyone who has shared in some form or donated. I am still working on building up the funds for his appointment on September 19th, so if you could keep sharing that is greatly appreciated. 

8/30/18 Update

I hope you are well.

Sota is eating and drinking properly but doesn’t want to take his shot, which is tricky. He needs the shot but is being stubborn. At least he takes his daily meds without arguing!

There has been no changes in how much I have raised. Any and all reblogs, shares on twitter or facebook, are vastly appreciated!

9/3/18 Update

Yesterday I did the craft fair, which ended up only adding five dollars to my over all amount of money for Sota cause I had to get ink to print some new business cards. Hopefully those cards will help people come my way.

That said, he’s still responding to medication. Today’s been a stubborn day, where he doesn’t want to take it, but he needs to.  Thankfully, he’s at least not being stubborn with his food today.

Please continue sharing so the chances of hitting the 450 needed for his vet visit on the 17th.

9/4/18 update

Besides saying that Sota ate his food without argument and took his meds without arguing, I don’t really have anything to update.

Still at the same point for the GoFundMe, please continue to share. If you could also share it on twitter and Facebook that’d be vastly welcome and I would be massively grateful.

9/10/18 update

Sorry it’s been a few days since I last updated. I’ve been sick, so I went to the doctor who put me on antibiotics that just happen to make me sleep. A lot.

Sota’s doing well on the meds and special food, he even seems to have put some of the weight he lost back on.

A wonderful anon donated 500 dollars, which pays for the visit on the 17th and starts towards his October visit. I am grateful beyond words to said anon, as I was fretting about how I was going to raise the rest of the money since it had been a few days since anyone had donated.

I am thankful to all of you, those who have donated or shared in some form. You are all amazing.

I politely request that you all continue to share, since I know he will need an appointment in October as well.

9/12/18 Update

Sota’s doing better it seems. He ate an entire can of cat food and let me give him his meds with no arguing.

It’s less then a week before his next appointment. I am hoping that it goes well. That the improvements I am noticing are real and not just the meds controlling the symptoms.

Thank you all to everyone who has shared this in some form, donated, or wished Sota well. I ask that you continue to do so. Take care,

9/15/18 Update

Thank you for all of the support, life went insane on me again, because apparently that’s a thing.

Sota has done well for the most part today, he had an upset stomach earlier, but I think that’s cause he was eating the wrong food, and it didn’t settle well. He took his meds well, for which I am thankful.

Monday is his vet appointment to check whether the meds and food change are actually helping or not. I am hoping they really are and will post an update then.

Please continue to share, thank you for everything,

9/17/18 Update

I was going to update earlier but ended up napping with Sota after my nerves stopped jittering. Today was his vet appointment. I am happy to report that it went well.

He hasn’t improved, which wasn’t surprising, but he hasn’t got worse, and that’s the important part. He’s stable.

There was a small adjustment to his medication and diet based on the tests we got today.  

He gets to go back in October for another round of tests. Hopefully after that I will be able to switch to every three months instead.

As of this moment his food and medication will be 50 dollars a month plus tax, for the rest of his life, but he will be a healthy, happy, and pain free cat.

Thank you to everyone who has shared or donated, if you could continue to do so, that’d be appreciated, just in case something surprise comes up. I will be adjusting the amount to include his medication for the rest of the year.

9/21/18

The last test results from the last round of testing just came back, while the first three were good/neutral, the fourth test was bad. So there will be another medication added to his diet.

As such, I will be adjusting the total to add the new meds and the testing needed to make sure that it is working.

Please continue to share. Thank you to everyone who has helped in some manner.

9/24/18 

I had intended to do an update yesterday, but ended up pain sleeping instead, the joys of chronic pain.

I got Sota's new medication, he is not thrilled to have to take a pill every day, but I think I got a system worked out for it.

He' still eating his special food, though he's becoming a bit of a social eater, and refuses to eat if I am not. I almost think this is his way of making sure I keep eating, since I keep forgetting.

Please continue to share this across the different social networks, all help is appreciated. You peeps are wonderful.

9/26/18

Sota's been on a new medication for the last five days.  Since starting it, he seems to want more food, which is an excellent sign. He's also retaining fluids  bit better, another excellent sign.

Unfortunately, I had some company the other day, and they introduced fleas to my house. As I would like to keep them from infecting all the cats, and Sota in particular as they drink blood and kidney problems cause a reduced blood making ability, I am going to be adding the cost of getting rid of them to the overall amount trying to raise.

9/29/18 

Sota has now been on his new meds a complete week. They appear to be helping. While he is not hungry for the first hour after he takes them, he does get hungry after that.

At this minute I have 180 of the 450 needed for the next vet visit on October 15th. I don’t have any of the money for the flea medication and house cleaning supplies to kill eggs.

It’s been suggested I make an amazon list, so here it is: Amazon List: Sota

Please keep sharing this across the various social medias as a way to raise awareness and get it to people who can help further. Thank you so much!

10/1/18

Sota’s seems to still be stable, thankfully. Sometimes he eats his cat food without arguing with me, other times I have to mix baby food with it, to encourage him to eat it. He’s taking his meds without problems, for which I am thankful.

As a wonderful peep bought several of the flea killing items off the amazon list, I was going to take that part off the over all amount to raise. Unfortunately, one of the tires on the car I take to the vet popped today, so it’s staying on there, because now I have to get the tire fixed before I go to the vet on the 15th.

I wish to say thank you to all the wonderful people who have helped fund his vet appointments and to those who keep sharing so peeps can do so.

10/5/18

I don’t have too much to say today. Sota’s been taking his meds, mostly without argument, though he’s not a fan of his shots. He’s eating his special food without argument, even asking for it now!

There hasn’t been any donations in the last few days. So I am still at 180 dollars of the 450 needed for the next round.

Please, please, please keep sharing this. There is only ten days until the next vet appointment, which means 8 days for the money to process so I have it when I get there.

10/10/18

Sota's been eating, though sometimes not as easily as I'd like, we play the 'what flavor food do you want today?' game quite often and he sometimes switches mid-meal to a different flavor.

He takes his meds without issues, and we've gotten to the point where he is no longer trying to run away as I give him the sub-q into his shoulders thankfully enough.

Right this moment I am 200 shy of what's needed for his next appointment.  I realize this is going on the third month of asking for help, it's still desperately needed, please share this across the various platforms so new individuals may see it and the chances of hitting the goal.

10/12/18

Not a lot of major changes to report.

 I got Sota and my other cats some new hard food, one that will be better for Sota for the days when he wants to eat it instead of his special food. He's rather pleased by this, thankfully it was the same price as the food they were on, so that helps the budget.

 Due to things outside my control, I am still 200 dollars short, and the appointment is Monday. Please, please, please, share this on the various social medias. I know he's a cat, but he helps me cope with my depression, comforts me when my pains really high, and reminds me of how to function.

 Thank you to each who have donated or shared it already, any more sharing is appreciated more then words can express.

[coeurdastronaute]

Essays in Existentialism: FtWD IX

All through the town, the silence of the new world slunk, filling streets somberly, rolling around with the faded trash and debris, prowling on fences and painting windows with dust and decay. The entire world was brown, clumps of dead lawns, upturned dirt, dead branches-- it all blurred into the same shade inevitably.

The chain linked fence clanged for a moment after it was jumped, echoing in the alley and making the silence arch its back and hiss before hiding under a dumpster. Elyza picked up the machete once again as she righted herself after the jump.

Amidst the empty streets, as the winter sun blinded everything, she walked back towards her bike and allowed herself to be alone. As she adjusted the backpack and squinted at the sun, she made sure the coast was clear before running her hand over the bump in her pocket. Slowing her pace, Elyza pulled out the handkerchief out before putting the machete between her teeth and unwrapping the precious bobble inside. The silver glimmered, and over the blade she smiled and took a breath for the first time in what felt like hours, as if she had to allow herself to do it or else it didn’t count.

The past week felt as if it were an ocean of which she was drowning, incapable of getting her head above the water. Get to land. Find a doctor. Go to the Cabin. Find her. That was the rhythm at which she took her strokes and treaded water. It did not allow for much breathing.

Jammed back in her pocket, the necklace waits for its intended owner, weighing down Elyza’s mood and heart as much as the facts of the day. By the time she makes it to the bike, she’s back to floundering, and the chase is one once again.

The trip back to the cabin is easy, almost normal, as if it were just a supply run, and they would get back on the boat and head for a home that no longer existed, a home that Elyza was carefully bottling all of her wrath to avenge.

“That took too long,” Raven scolds as she takes of her helmet back at the tiny compound. “I was ready to send out a search party.”

“I said it’d probably take a few hours. You worried?”

“Teams of armed men blew up our home and kidnapped our people. I think it’s safe to say I’m going to worry.”

“Where is everyone?” Elyza sighed, ignoring the facts.

“Travis took some scouting east to the river.”

“Anything new?” she asked as she made her way up the steps and into the cabin, now overrun with people on most days.

“I’ve been working on the scanner. I can’t crack the code that’s out there,” the engineer shook her head as her leg hobbled in its brace against the hollow deck. Her friend paused before turning to her, closer than ever before, her voice low so the inhabitants didn’t hear.

“I need you to figure out where they are, where it’s coming from,” she whispered, her voice betraying the necessity. “We need that more than anything else.”

“I know. I don’t have the best equipment--”

“Tell me what you need and I’ll find it.”

“It’s not that simpl--”

“Make it that simple,” she murmured, jaw flexing before her scared eyes plead and looked away, ashamed at themselves.

Raven stood a little taller and swallowed as she watched the blonde disappear into the cabin. For a moment she let her shoulders slump with the realization of her failure before steadfastly making her way back to the barn to work on cracking the transmissions once more.

The cabin felt a long way off from the first day she met Alicia, so much so that at times she almost thought she could have made it all up, that maybe this all was more of a dream than she knew, that she would wake up at any moment.

“How’s she doing?” she asked her doctor as he checked over the girl in the bed who slept without noticing much, her leg casted and elevated on the bed.

“I was worried about her blood pressure,” he mumbled, poking around the leg a bit more. “Did you find the pills?”

“You said you fixed her.”

“Luckily the bone broke well, and the bar that pierced her calf came out clean enough, but the risk of infection, of healing properly… It’s going to be rough. She can’t be moved.”

“What else do you need?” Elyza asked, pursing her lips as she looked at Ofelia. “Name it. I’ll find it. You know I can find anything.”

“I know you can find anything. Hell, you found me after not seeing me for over a year. There’s nothing else I can do. We just have to wait and monitor.” With a small movement, he pulled her aside even further from the few lingering ears in the living room. “What about you? You’re a mess.”

The time she was alone, when she had a singular goal to save the world, she came across Peter. Stuck behind a fence and with nowhere else to go, she saw him try to take them down and only accumulate more. After passing once, she sighed and saved him. From time to time their paths would cross, or she would make sure they did. A med student in his residency who wanted nothing more than to help, he was a hot commodity. She just liked how he spoke, the softness to his voice.

“I’m fine,” she protested. “Just ran into a few.”

“How many is a few?” he grinned when she refused to say, her look not lifting with his joke. “We’re doing all we can to find your people.”

“Thanks for staying, Pete,” she nodded. “I know you must want to get back out there, saving the world one broken bone at a time.”

“A roof and steady food isn’t terrible. Plus, I don’t think she’s finished healing yet, and I like to see it through.”

For a moment, Elyza paused and looked once more at Ofelia. It was no secret that she was not exactly the Aussie’s biggest fan, and even know, it wasn’t warmer between them, but it was something different, something of an understanding, and, if she were to be so bold, Elyza might have mistaken it for something like family obligation to get along.

“Just sugar coat it when you talk to Daniel, okay?”

“He scares me almost more than you. I’m pretty sure he can hand--”

“Just because someone can handle something, doesn’t mean they always should.”

“I supposed gentleness isn’t a trait I would have expected from you,” Peter smiled fondly at the girl who once rescued him, who sent stragglers who needed medical attention his way.

“Don’t go telling anyone.”

The rest of the clan went about their day. Elyza nodded at their doctor and set out to the back porch to try to think and stare at the map a little longer.

On that exact porch, she spent hours with Alicia. Next to their boat, it was her favorite place in the world. Pitted high above the waves and the expanse of sea, many nights they went on supply runs were spent hiding on the bench where Elyza first fell for for the broody princess. The last time they were there alone, Elyza remembered sitting there and when she looked back at the door, Alicia toweled her hair and gazed out at the world.

Now, she stared at the map and refused to look at the door. Looking back would be catastrophic, and looking at the map was terrifying. It reminded her that she had no idea where to look. From the rumblings of her own travelling and calling in favors, there was a group that controlled the valley, they were ruthless but fair, kept to themselves. The South was a warzone. The north was wide open with only reports.

“I didn’t find anything new,” she grumbled.

“What’s the plan?” Travis asked, leaning against the door as he watched her stare at the map and not move.

“I’m going to have to make some noise.”

“Every time I went hunting with my father, he taught me something new. Most importantly, was that patience and quiet, and counting on something else to be less patient and quiet than you, was most effective.”

“They can count on me to be less patient and quiet.”

“My person is in those walls, too,” he murmured, eyes piercing hers. “You don’t get to jeopardize that.”

Elyza met his look and held it as long as she could. It killed her, and she wanted to fight, but they were the same on this. She turned to the sea and threw the firs the she could grab towards it.

The camp that acted as processing, just outside of the main walls of the community was little more than a dusty soccer field and tattered field barracks lined with even more tattered cots.The sun beats down on them with little shade, with little salvation from the rays, while the winter winds shield them so that the bright is merely that, and not enough to wear out their muscles. It was not a promising look for whatever lived beyond the walls in the community.

The first three days are bureaucratic and semantics. Alicia spends her days watching, listening, keeping Aden distracted, figuring. She walks the perimeter of their prison multiple times, varying her route, attempting to blend in as best she can.

Before she even gets selected for her interview and physical, Alicia has already learned a lot about their captors. Aden’s ears to the ground, as well as their new associate who was picked up on the same run as her family, Anya’s intel from land help build a composite of their situation.

The pep talk she gives Aden before he goes into the shadows of the corridor for processing is optimistic, but the same words said to herself don’t offer the same kind of confidence. Even though she knew what was coming after hearing everyone else's stories, shedding her clothes for the doctor, the rigorous inspection, the shot, the fingers along her gums, over her bones with the harsh medical light-- it’s all enough to make her so angry she seethes with it in every ounce of breath.

By the time Alicia finds herself sitting behind a table, her rage has manifested itself in the all-encompassing kind that knows no bounds. The world went to hell and she managed to eek out a semblance of a happy life. Curveball after slider was thrown her way, and yet they thrived, built a life, a network, a family. She thought she was ready to die, and then a girl saved her life and now it felt as if the world went wrong just to bring them together. And it was ripped from her hands by saviors who had no right.

It was a dangerous kind of rage in her whole heart and soul that manifested itself in a blank stare when a new face finally opened the door. Not one of the soldiers she was accustomed to seeing along the patrol or even in any of the tests or processing events thus far, the older man, with silver crew-cut hair and icy blue eyes sat down across from her.

Neither said anything for a few moments. Alicia watched him open a file and flip through a few pages, eyes darting across as much of it as they could.

“We haven’t met yet,” he finally said, his voice commanding and precise as he lingered over the last few tidbits. His hands were large, his shoulders broad, while his all around shape was definitively square. “I’m Major Wilson McKillen, United States Marine Corps, First Battalion, Eleventh Marines, commander of Task Force Flintlock whose primary objective is to hold the Western coast against a crumbling infrastructure while providing aid to those affected by the predominant state of emergency. Is that clear for you?”

“Yes.”

“I run this post, and I run it tight, in conjecture with Mayor Hurt,” he finished the well-rehearsed spiel as he closed the folder and tied his hands together at the fingers, finally looking at the girl across from him. “You are currently undergoing standard testing to see if and how you will fit within our community.”

“I’m being held against my will,” she corrected.

“It’s for your own safety, and the safety of this community.”

Alicia clenched her jaw and met the hard stare of the Major, holding it as long as she could. Stuck staring at each other, sizing, waiting, fighting, the air turned heavy.

“Many of our operatives have ended up dead, our supplies missing, and all signs point to a rogue agent in your community.”

“I don’t know anything about that.”

“See, these attacks were happening a lot and then they tapered off,” the Major said, leaning back in his seat slightly, eyeing the girl across from him with a soft smile on his face. “We are simply trying to help the world find order and survive again, and yet some have taken this time to breathe chaos into the world.”

“I don’t know anything about that.”

“No, I suppose you wouldn’t. Being the upstanding citizen that you are.”

“Well, if I can’t help you, I guess I’m free to go.”

“Unfortunately, that’s not possible at this time,” McKillen stood and adjusted his shirt. “I’m not the one who wants to meet you. I already know everything I need to know about you, that you’re not as innocent as you sound. That you know exactly what what I’m talking about.”

“I survived, and if you’re going to hold that against every person you meet, you’re not going to have many more people to add to your little community,” Alicia shrugged as she stayed in the chair when he stood. “Did I pass your little test?”

The burly general didn’t say anything, just left the folder on the table and nodded to the window before she heard the door click open.

Left alone in the room, Alicia looked around and grit her teeth. She knew more, now, and that was what mattered. Knowledge was the only thing that gave her hope of figuring out weakness to escape. That was the goal.

She wasn’t sure how long passed before the door opened again. The woman wasn’t old, wasn’t too old, though he was older than her mother, perhaps younger than her grandmother would have been. Her hair was short, her sleeves rolled up, her khakis pressed to sharp points.

“My men tell me that your group murdered eight,” she stated, joining her hands as she took a seat. “I am not here to put down a death sentence. I’m here to see if you can be trust to live within our walls, and abide by the common decency that separates us from animals. So which is it? Can you be members of society again?”

Alicia eyed her for a moment, weighed her words.

“We never stopped, Mayor.”

“I’m sure Major McKillen told you that we’re the last semblance of government. It is a tenuous peace we have formed,” she smiled softly to herself. “You could tell us where the rest of your group is. We’ll call it an act of faith.”

“You can check at the bottom of the ocean, where your men left them to rot.”

“Our men are waging a war against combatants of the state. It’s Alicia, isn’t it?” the Mayor asked, quickly looking at the folder that remained on the table. “Says here you are about to turn twenty. That leaves you a lot of life left. Are you going to do something worthwhile?”

“I think so,” she nodded.

“What would you like to do?”

Kill Major McKillen and anyone else who attacked my home. The words are on the tip of her tongue, Alicia feels them, heavy and proud there.

“Survive.”

The group was sent out to gather supplies. Elyza followed them for miles, hunting them as best they could, recognizing the symbol of a large cog stamped on the back of the truck. It might not have been the group that took her people, but it was a group, and they were not afraid.

As much as she wanted to believe Travis, about slow and quiet and patient, she knew she was not that person, and so she picked off a loner from their camp that night as he went to the bathroom in the treeline. She knocked him up and tied him up in an old mechanic’s shop two miles away, and from her position, watched the truck through the night to be sure it did not move.

“Morning, darling,” she cooed before slapping the soldier’s cheek to wake him quicker than he felt necessary.

“What the fuck?” he yelped, furrowing and looking around to see what was happening. He saw a gun barrel and backed up as best he could tied to a chair. “What do you want?”

“You work for the Colony.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I don’t want to play the semantics game, mate,” she sighed, annoyed already. “I know the symbol. I learned it from…” Elyza tucked the gun under her arm before thumbing through a notebook she kept in her back pocket. “Someone named Jerry. Said he was just a banker when everything went to hell. Now he is needed, now he has power. Had,” she corrected herself before shoving the notebook back in her pocket.

From his chair, he swallowed and watched her nod to herself as she scratched her head with the gun barrel.

“Had power. He thought he did. Thought he could levy taxes on the western groups who were just trying to survive the winter. Don’t struggle,” she sighed and adjusted his ropes as he tried to pull away. “Do you want to know what I did to Jerry?”

“What do you want?”

“I learned a few things from a friend of mine. I did some bad, bad things to Jer,” Elyza continued. “Have you ever seen a grown man cry? I mean genuinely cry? Sob, even.”

“I don’t--”

“My friend taught me a few things. When I met him, he strung me up and beat me with the butt of a rifle. Now we’re best friends. We could be best friends, you and me. What’s your name?”

“Robert.”

“Robert… Robert. Robbie. Bobby, Bpb,” she reasoned as she walked across the shop to the wall of tools by a work desk. “Can I call you Bobby?” He nodded. “I want to be friends, Bobby.”

“What do you want?” he swallowed as she began to pick up tools.

“There is a well-hidden compound that has been causing havoc  up and down the coast. Abducting people, killing people, taxing people, murdering innocent people,” she listed, measuring a hammer in her hand before putting it back. “I had no problem with this myth. I didn’t care, I was just living my life, killing those things. But do you know what happened, Bob?”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“I was walking down the street one day, and this girl appears, and I saved her life,” Elyza remembers with a smile, turning to the man in her chair. “I hated her. That’s not true. I fell for her the moment she opened her mouth, but I hated myself for that.”

“I swear, I don’t know anything. I didn’t do anything,” he squirmed.

“The thing is, I believe you,” she frowned slightly and cocked her head as she looked at the prisoner. “But I’m a desperate woman, Bobby. I know, I know, that’s unflattering to say, but it’s true.” Elyza ran the flat end of the screwdriver up his cheek and back down over his lips. “So we can do this two ways. Do you know what they are?”

“Please. I just drive for them. I have to survive, and they--”

“Shh, shh, shh,” Elyza tutted, pulling a chair so that she was seated right across from him. “I know the drill. You were just doing what you had to do to survive. We all are. That’s not a crime. I don’t want to hurt you, Robert. I don’t enjoy it. Now I love killing those dead things, but I think it’s a shame to kill people who are living. Don’t ask me why, but that damn girl who I hated and didn’t hate and actually loved, she gave me a conscious, as much as I hate it.”

“You don’t have to hurt me. I have a daughter. She’s seven--”

“What’s her name?”

“Emily.”

“That’s a cute name. I’m sure she’s a cute kid who just wants her daddy to come home.”

“I’m all she has left,” he swallowed again. “I didn’t hurt anyone. I just drive the trucks. That’s all. I swear.”

“See,” Elyza smiled and tapped his leg with the screwdriver. “I knew I liked you better than Jerry. Did you know Jerry? Tall fellow with dark red hair? Missing a side tooth, right here,” she pointed in her mouth until he nodded. “Bit of a prick, wasn’t he?” The prisoner nodded again. “I once read somewhere that information gained through torture is almost always inaccurate, and people will just say anything to make the pain stop.”

“I heard that too,” he offered quickly.

“Great! So then the two ways we can do this, are you tell me everything, and I don’t hurt you, or you don’t tell me everything, and then I get to hurt you. Of course, if I don’t hurt you and I get wrong information, I’ll be very upset, and I’ll probably kill you. How does that sound?”

“What about my daughter? I jus--”

“Nothing is going to happen to your daughter. I want nothing more than to get my people and set you free, Bobby. I’m rooting for you, for us. I told you. I want us to be friends, and you’re a smart guy. You know I’m just out here surviving, just like you.”

“What do you need to know?”

“I knew I liked you. I just knew it. You’re a smart one, Bob.”

Elyza patted his cheek and leaned back in her chair, surveying his worried eyes. He pursed his lips and his nostrils trembled slightly.

“Now, I need you to tell me about some newcomers to your community. Two women and a teenage boy.” 

It took another four days for the clearances to go through. The Mayor meets with Alicia twice more, and the girl plays her part, strong and polite, penitent and looking for redemption, unassuming and naive. The only thing that goes through her mind is that she has to get out of the high security section and into the general population, because hopefully, just beyond the wall, once properly inside, she could escape.

Aden sticks to her side. Her mother keeps her eyes open as well, playing the game as best she could, and probably most effectively out of there group.

“Heard you passed,” a shadow asks, leaning against the fence that Alicia sat beside, watching patrols come in and out.

“Heard you’ve escaped from here three times,” she says, squinting and looking up at the woman who blocked her sun. “McKillen.”

“Don’t you dare call me that,” she snaps before resuming her cool, crossing her arms and taking a deep breath.

“What, are you some spy? Going to tell Daddy that all we want to do is leave?” Alicia accused, standing and wiping her hands on her pants.

“That’s not my father,” she said, looking at the scaffold that held the soldiers tasked with overseeing the camp. “Not anymore.”

“Why didn’t you say something, Anya?”

“Because, you’re the only group I’ve seen come in here who knows something isn’t right, who wants to leave, and I want to be part of it. Whatever gets me out of here quickest.”

“Hurt doesn’t seem to know what your father and the soldiers do when they’re out there.”

“She doesn’t want to ask questions.”

“Why?”

“They have running water, a well, housing, walls, food, guns, ammo, protection, security, hope,” Anya explained, looking at the high walls. “Why would anyone believe that it all came at a cost?”

“How many people are here?”

“Last time I was inside, there was just over three hundred.”

“Fuck,” Alicia growled and let her head rest against the chainlink fence.

“What?”

“I have to get out of here before Elyza finds me,” she realized. “She won’t think twice about blowing a hole in the wall and killing them all.”

“Sounds like a real catch,” Anya snorted.

“Not on purpose. But your father could get everyone killed.”

“Good.”

“They don’t deserve it.”

“You think  highly of your girlfriend. We’ve had attacks here before, and repelled every single one of them.”

With another wary eye to the horizon, as their names were called to collect their items and enter the compound, Alicia smiled, chuckled even.

“You haven’t met Elyza.”

Two months, and nothing changed. Not one thing was concrete or looked good or changed anything. She was losing her mind with the quiet and the stillness. From atop the hill, she  starred in the binoculars and watched the happenings of the Colony, just as she had for the past week, marking up a map with times and routes.

“Looks like Bob was right,” Elyza whispered into her radio. “Morning caravan is on its way out. Travis and Emma, you’re up, heading west, two humvees and a truck. Keep your distance.”

“Copy. They’re driving up on us now.”

“See how far they go, what they do. We have to find a way in.”

The intel they gathered from a few captives was invaluable. The Jerry’s of the group, the ones who took their oath too seriously and refused to talk, they didn’t make it home. Elyza liked the Roberts better, the ones who were just like her, only out to survive. They understood it was easier that way. They understood what it felt like to just want their families back.

Down below, in the compound, life happened, or at least seemed to happen. Elyza watched it, wondering if Alicia was there. She had to be there. This is where all of the trucks and people and roads met. This was the end of the line.

“They’re doing recon work toward the harbor,” Raven radioed, finally able to decode their signal. “Not much chatter today.”

“I’m coming home. Keep listening.”

It took almost two hours to get back, and the entire way, Elyza focused on working the situation over in her head. The compound itself had twenty-five foot walls. It had round-the-clock security.patrolling every inch, both from the wall itself, guard posts at the four corners and two entrances, as well as roving patrol in front, surveilling the few acres around the property. There was no real cover, the fields around it flat with just some crops and no towns for the five miles. It was alone, it was fortified, it had its own irrigation, communication, and ammunition.

It was everything she hoped her own home could have been before it was sunk, and that pain made Elyza wanted to inflict it herself, to make them know how it felt to lose their security.

She just wanted to see that girl that made her feel like sunshine was on her skin and the world wasn’t a cold, terrible place that she knew it to be. Find a girl like that, and you chase her forever, to the ends of the earth… or into a fortress.

Halfway home, Elyza pulls over and tries to catch her breath. It’s long gone, and her heart races and thumps so loud she can’t hear anything other than the deep doldrum that has parked itself in her head. She tosses her helmet to the ground before bending over and holding her knees, trying to catch her breath.

It takes a little effort, but she gradually calms herself, standing up and rocking her neck from side to side to crack it. She rotates her shoulders, hoping to roll away any tension that grips her violently.

All too grateful, Elyza smiled when she sees the small horde of dead walking toward her. Catching her breath, she pulled the knife from her thigh and sprinted at the closest one before tackling it and putting it down.

In no time at all, her detour panic attack and bloodbath effectively calming her once she allowed herself to think of Alicia for too long. Elyza left the pile of bodies by the road so that whenever the patrol went by, they would know.

Someone was there. Something was coming.

It wasn’t explicitly a lie, but Alicia regurgitated the things Elyza told her to say in this situation, to make herself invaluable. Wanted to study biology, volunteered at hospitals. There were only a few jobs at the end of the world, that were completely necessary despite all else. Certain skills were indispensable, and in any situation, that was the best thing to be.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Alicia smiled and waved at the other nurse as her shift ended in the medical building.

The sun greeted her outside without a cloud on the horizon. On any other day, in any other life, she would imagine climbing into her boat, lazing on the couch while the salt tickled her ears and she waited for Elyza to appear and wipe the dirt from her forehead. On any other day, in any other life, she was allowed to have nice things.

But she was here, and she gave herself a mission.

Blending in was difficult, but she did everything she could to seem as if she belonged. The secret was slow. Travis’ stupid stories replayed in her head, to let them show their weakness first, to be methodical, not to rush.

Part of her believed that perhaps Elyza heard that story as well.

“Aden?” she called as she made her way into their little slice of barrack, carefully closing the door behind her. “Is my mom here?”

“Hey come in here,” Anya called as Alicia dropped off a bag of their rations.

“I appreciate the offer, but I really can’t sleep with you, An-- What is that?” she pauses, staring at the two in the living room.

“Are you impressed?” Aden beamed in front of the little black box that sat on the small desk in the corner. “I stole it from the mechanic’s shop.”

“You did what?”

“Stole it,” he grinned, proud of himself. “Just like Elyza showed me.”

“But… what? They’ll notice…”

“Calm down, Alicia,” Anya offered, fiddling with the knobs as she held up a headphone to her ear. “Now we have ears on the whole base.”

“You shouldn’t have blown your cover.”

“I didn’t. No one saw.”

“You can’t… Why? How could--” she shakes her head and flails slightly, unable to take her eyes from the little box that would let her contact her family on the outside if they were listening. “You just let him? Do you know how hard your dad is watching you, and us!”

“We don’t get out of here unless we make some moves,” Anya argues. “Aden did what I told him--”

“What you told him!”

“Hey! What is going on in here!” Madison called as she entered their little apartment as well.

The rest of their group was out at their assignments, were told to keep their eyes open. Every night they went over everything at dinner, they went to community events, the blended, they became part of it. Some argued over the idea of leaving, after surviving the attack. Alicia was more than happy to fight the world for Elyza, yet she understood the allure of safety.

“Anya recruited Aden to steal a radio,” Alicia accused. “I’m making headway with Mayor Hurt. She’s listening to me--”

“Hurt doesn’t give a fuck. She does whatever my father tells her. She’s a figurehead!” Anya retorted.

“I promised her we’d leave and never look back, but if she wanted to start a new government, it couldn’t be founded on military control and imprisoning citizens.”

“You. Are. A. Threat.” The words came out precise as Anya stood closer to Alicia, towering over her. “You are a threat to the Major’s grip. The mayor only needs to know two things: that things are not safe out there and that supplies keep arriving regularly. Those two facts make the world go round now.”

“Okay, okay, let’s stop fighting,” Madison held her hands up between the two.

“We’re on our own here. The rest of your group is dumb and happy here. What is there to go to out there for them?” Anya accused, stalking across the room while Alicia did the same the opposite direction. “They don’t care about what my father does. In here, they’re safe from him.”

“Can we use it?” the mother asked, staring at the teenager who sat at the desk. “I mean. Without being discovered?”

“It should be,” Aden promised. “Unless they have any old, old signal detection equipment. Most modern military tech uses GPS, not frequency detection.”

“He’s right,” Anya nodded.

“Okay, alright,” Madison furrowed and ran her hand over her cheek while Alicia crossed her arms and thought.

Anya’s method of trying to sneak onto a supply truck wasn’t coming together, not to get them all out at once, and when one person did it, that method would undoubtedly be shot down. The hole she worked on when she first escaped was also a no go. They were running out of options.

“Do you know what they do to people who don’t make it through the vetting?” Anya stared hard at Alicia. “They get sold to the new plantations in the valley. They get traded for supplies. The new world order is suspiciously like a world we already lived in, and we can’t sit around anymore--”

“Okay, I get it. Just… stop,” Alicia shook her head and held her forehead, the news swirling around.

“We can’t just talk on there.”

“We can use a signal,” Alicia smiled. “Maybe not communication yet, but there has to be a way to signal.”

“Morse code?”

“We’re in a military base surrounded by soldiers. One of them knows Morse Code.”

“What about a--”

Alicia sat down in the chair and looked at the radio, so desperate to just pick it up and call out. There was no promise that anyone was listening, but deep down she knew that Elyza had to be close. Something just told her. It might have been faith. It might have just been fear. But with the same conviction that she worked, she knew someone outside was doing it as well.

“What about a song?” she finally offered, sitting up a little straighter. “What if we play a song over it.”

“What kind of message will that get out?” Anya shook her head.

“That we’re here. How good are you at stealing?” she smiled at Aden who just shrugged and gestured toward the radio unit. “Go to the library and check out a book. Steal this CD or tape,” she instructed, jotting a few words down. “If they don’t have the first one, then the second. But don’t get caught in the section too long.”

The three women watched him disappear through the door at a sprint.

“But how do we get a message to them, if they’re even listening?” Madison fret.

“Let me work on that,” Anya decided, grabbing her coat and walking with purpose through the door herself.

“We can’t,” Travis pointed at the map laid out on the kitchen table. “19 is blocked up.”

“Why not come in from the East then?” Daniel wagered.

“Make the swarm go the entire way around? That’s a lot of bodies over a long distance,” he argued, rubbing  his hand along the scruff that grew there now.

The group hovered around the table, glaring at all of the routes, the culmination of research and intel and travel for the past few weeks. It was all up for debate, it was all important.

Elyza was ready to storm the place herself. Mug a group of guys on a supply run and take their stuff back, as far as they could go. Risk it all once they made it into the walls. It was suicide. She spent weeks finding them, and now that she did, Elyza didn’t even know how to live like that, so close and not knowing.

“We distract them, here. This is the main gate as far as I can tell,” Javi ran his finger along a road up to the square designated as the compound. “We distract them enough there, they pull the guards from this smaller, back gate.”

“From this drainage ditch, a team can take down however is left. We time this right, and in the dark we can get a truck right up to the gate,” Daniel continues.

“There are about six floodlights,” Emma reminds them, drawing them on the map. “All power is wired from inside, so we have to shoot them out.”

The plan relied on gathering up a huge storm of dead and marching them right at the colony. They’d be fine, but they’d be distracted. It would take more planning, it would take more waiting, and after losing their home nearly three months ago.

“Where are you going?” Nick called as Elyza left, unable to stomach anymore.

“Check on Raven.”

The night air was warm, lingered with the promise of spring and summer. Elyza took a deep breath and tried to remember the first night she brought home the girl that got her into all this trouble. Gently, she ran her hand along the motorcycle that remained park in the barn.

Some stalls were used as rooms, cots and sleeping bags spread out in the hay. It was a nice enough home. They already picked up a few more stragglers, and they were already running out of space.

Upstairs in the loft, Raven rarely moved, listening to radio signals and deciphering what she could to get the edge. It was slow going and fruitless.

“How's it going?” Elyza asked, toying with a bit of wire. With a huff, the mechanic tossed off her headphones and rubbed her face.

“Patrols and checks. Everything is the same, except now I have this,” Raven pulled the cord out of the socket and adjusted the channel. “Stuck in my head.”

Right in the middle of it, a song played quietly, faintly, full of static and such, over the radio. Elyza smiled to herself after a moment of listening before her friend went to turn it off. She pushed her hand away and smiled wider.

“Is that the radio, like AM or something?”

“No. It’s on our old channel,” Raven yawned. “It’s been playing on a loop since nine. A few minute break after.”

“That’s our song.”

“What?”

“We were supplying the first trip, the first week I met her, and I found a tape in a gas station. Springsteen’s Greatest Hits on cassette. We listened to it nonstop. I’d sing this song to her,” Elyza remembered, her eyes far away as the music stopped, bringing her back to real life. “This is our song.”

“It’s a message?”

“It’s something,” Elyza breathed.

NEXT

[ronaldmorton]

Help for Dogs Fighting IMT Immune Mediated Thrombocytopenia

This is the blog post I dread writing. I always knew that Cocker Spaniels, more so than most other breeds, are extra prone to IMT, immune mediated thrombocytopenia. This blog post will serve as a journal of my dog’s battle to fight IMT, what we are experiencing, his journey, and hopefully this diary-style blog post will help answer questions about this disease and how it may affect your dog, no matter if the dog is purebred or mixed.

Saturday, October 7th, 2017

Immune Mediated Thrombocytopenia Day One

My dog is living a natural, more organic, less chemical life. He consumes an amazing diet, does not get vaccines any longer except for rabies required by law, and he never gets any sort of chemical put onto his coat or skin.

On Saturday, October 7th, my wife and I packed up the car and headed out of town for a day of fun on the beach with the dog in New Jersey. There, the dog played, ran, showed tons of energy, had snacks, and an overall amazing day was had by all.

Upon arrival back home about 11:30 pm, I decided to check my dog’s ear, as I thought he may be battling an ear infection, common in Cockers but only the second time ever for Dexter. I noticed he had some lumpy looking reddish marks on his inner ear flap. I immediately checked Dexter’s gums. They were normal in color and capillary refill was good, but he had some bleeding along the gum line, and in particular between two teeth on the right side rear portion of his mouth. I noticed splotchy red marks on the inside of his upper lip flaps, too.

My spouse and I rushed our dog to the emergency vet/hospital located about 10 minutes from our house.

He looked like this when we rushed him to the vet:

Panic and Diagnosis

We met with the emergency vet on call and went through the gamut: Discussions, tests, and more. Dexter had a platelet count of zero. Yes, zero. None. His own body’s immune system attacked platelets as if they are threat and thus, he was starting to bleed. The tentative diagnosis of IMT was made.

They did a chest x-ray and abdominal x-rays. Both normal. They do not do transfusions. We were told he would need to be hospitalized for 3 to 10 days and will be getting steroids and a chemotherapy drug to boost his platelets, among other things.

This came out of nowhere. All his other levels are fine. As of this writing, he is not anemic. When a dog is anemic in this situation, a diagnosis of IMHA (immune-mediated hemolytic anemia) is made. When IMT and IMHA are both present, the diagnosis of Evans Syndrome is made.

As of this writing, we are dealing with immune mediated thrombocytopenia (IMT).

IN A NUTSHELL: I DON’T WANT TO READ FURTHER BUT WHAT HAPPENED?

My dog, Dexter, survived. You can read through everything, but as of 10/12/17 he is home with us, a long road ahead, followup appointments, and blood draws, watching for relapse, but this can be managed. You can read through all of this to see what happened.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Day Two

We cannot bring him home until platelets stabilize. They generally check platelets when they first see the dog and then not again for 48 to 72 hours. The reason for this we are told is that whether the platelets read 0 or 7,000 that is still low. You want them in the 40,000 and up range and eventually over 200,000. Just as a side note, Dexter’s platelets at the end of June of this year were 459,000. This happened that fast.

Dexter’s red blood cells are good and so far, and praying it stays that way, no signs of anemia. That is a good thing. They are picking him for a small blood amount for in house smears. I checked his gums while there and they are good, but yes, they are bleeding. We are told that is to be expected.

No rectal or urinary blood.

We were allowed to visit twice today.

Dexter ate his food for us, had treats, showed a wagging tail, peed and pooped for Dar outside, and then he lay by me. He literally lay across me. I curled up with him and sobbed til my eyes felt like they may fall out, for an hour at least. I couldn’t help it. He had no idea. He fell asleep, and he definitely is feeling the effects of what they are giving him.

The vet is concerned about watching him over these next 3-4 days, she calls critical, so that there is no bleed into his brain or heart. He has to stay in house to be watched.

He is getting IV fluids, injectable prednisone, got one vincristine injection, doxycycline in case tick related and they don’t think it is, Baytril for infection including in ear, melatonin and Tresaderm for his ear infection.

She did a quick standing up abdominal ultrasound of him today and that was normal. The more in depth one will take place Tuesday with the internist.

His vitals were normal.

They see at least one diagnosis a day of IMT (immune mediated thrombocytopenia). The internist apparently is well versed in this. If we feel good about that, we will keep his care for this disease at that vet and then our regular vet for everything else.

At some point, if none of this works, he can be transferred to a vet hospital for immunoglobulin infusions – but we do this first and see what helps.

This will need to be treated aggressively and with frequent blood work, so I prefer this hospital that is within 10 minutes of our home. They do both emergencies and hospital care plus have specialists on staff.

The vet also said she sees dogs come in with this diagnosis and they are so much sicker outwardly, but Dexter is still guarded.

He had no vaccinations, nothing unusual, and chest x-ray and abdominal x-ray are normal, all of his bloodwork is normal except he had zero platelets. No tick borne diseases. He’s been bright alert and responsive and played yesterday, has a great appetite and drinks water.

Medications as of Day Two

Tresaderm for ear infection

Dexamethasone injectable steroid once daily

Baytril

Doxycycline in case tick mediated disease, but everything coming back negative on that end

Melatonin: Something to do with helping boost platelets

Omeprazole: Gastric care

Vincristine: One time shot

Articles of Interest on IMT in Dogs

I am keeping these articles bookmarked. I’ve learned that sometimes well-intended advice is not helpful. Every dog is different and every treatment route is different. If you read articles online, be sure the medical information is sourced and valid.

IMT Article

IMT Thorough Article

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Day 2-1/2

DEXTER UPDATE, 8 AM EST, 10/09: Dexter’s vitals are stable. He ate some food overnight. His red cell count is stable. He cant come home til his platelets are stable. Normal low end is 200,000. They want him to have at least 40,000 before he is “out of the woods.” As of this morning, he has a grand total of 4 (yes, only 4) platelets on his smear. It can take 3-7 days before effects of the meds they are giving him take effect.There is so much that has happened in the course of 48 hours, that words fail me. Me, of all people: Failed by words. I have decided to arm myself with as much information as humanly possible and stop listening to the negativity and sad/bad stories. Every dog is different. Every treatment plan is different. This is the one thing I have learned. I am really feeling like millions of shards of broken glass. We got permission to come see Dex at noon today and feed him there. He will be in the hospital at least a week, maybe more. Let’s pray he shows improvement sooner and we can bring him home to recover once platelets are stable.

Why is he not getting a transfusion? This is the most asked question I am receiving. Why is he not getting platelets? We found this on a reputable veterinary website on the topic: “Whole blood transfusion (and platelet-rich plasma) Most dogs with primary ITP usually present with peripheral platelet counts less than 20,000, and often less than 10,000. Although these dogs are theoretically at risk for spontaneous bleeding, in truth this is rarely noted. As mentioned above petechiae or ecchymoses or epistaxis are not uncommon, but bleeding into the lungs, pleural space, or CNS is very rare without concurrent trauma. Routine transfusion of ITP dogs with ultralow platelet counts is not recommended for several reasons. First, the amount of blood which would be required to increase a patient’s peripheral platelet count is huge, and unrealistic. Second, transfused platelets are likely destroyed more rapidly than the patient’s own cells because in addition to being targeted by the anti-platelet antibodies causing the ITP, they are also inherently more antigenic (we do not cross-match for platelet compatibility). Finally, platelets have a relatively short half-life, and repeated transfusions would be necessary to maintain the peripheral platelet count above 20,000. Despite these limitations, transfusions are definitely indicated in those rare patients with ITP that present with or develop life-threatening hemorrhage. Whole blood or platelet-rich plasma is required in these cases.”

His care will remain local at the veterinary emergency and referral hospital unless he needs to be transferred elsewhere and/or if we feel his care is compromised or they aren’t able to best serve his needs. We have access to Philadelphia, New York, etc but they are several hours from us. I’d really like a local internal medicine vet to provide care, direction, med adjustments, and the frequent blood draws we faced once Dex is discharged. I will know more by Tuesday evening to that end.

  DEXTER UPDATE, 3 PM, 10/09

We visited Dexter in the hospital, spent a half hour talking to the Critical Care Doctor who is overseeing his case, and we also talked on the phone to his regular veterinarian, who is apprised and up to date on Dexter’s records, as they were faxed and emailed to him.

Overall Dexter looks great, he drank a bunch, ate for us but spit the veggies, and he ate soft treats. He peed and pooped, and this time the poop was black. We are told it is not internal bleeding, but rather, blood he is swallowing from gums bleeding. He has no internal bleeding and his urinary system is good.

Specialized tick borne disease testing was sent out (blood) and that will be back in a week. In house stuff was negative.

His platelets have not changed, still a total of 4. His red blood cells are low normal at around 35 (41 on admit) but he is not destroying red blood cells: He IS on IV and the red cell slight drop is probably from loss and not destruction. So that’s good news.

The vet called his gums “rosy pink.” The petechiae is still there but not as prominent. I did not see heavy bleeding in gums.

They are testing his blood on a smear twice a day, but they may do a full draw tomorrow with IDEXX machine in house.

He will see an internal medicine specialist at some point tomorrow, Tuesday, whose protocol for treatment that Dex is on was designed specifically for Dex.

No transfusions yet of anything but time will tell. Again, it takes 3-7 days to see any sort of platelet increase and we have every prayer coming out.

His vitals are good. Our vet said this is a great protocol, stay with it, and he manages a lot of patients with ITP.

We are going back at around 9 tonight to feed him. I don’t think they are taking him out to pee often.

So things are steady, and the one thing the vet said today is she is surprised that he does not have petechiae on his abdomen or on his skin elsewhere. The fact he doesn’t is good.

Our vet said we acted fast, so we did the right thing.

Every prayer, hug, email, phone call, text, and DM are so appreciated. That is about the only thing holding us up.

Love and hugs and major wigglebutt wags from Dexter and his moms.

Here is a pic from today’s visit and the critical care vet talking to us while Dex just chills. He is disoriented a bit and I know he wants out. He has to get these platelets up.

Tuesday, October 10th, 2017

Immune Mediated Thrombocytopenia Day Three

DEXTER UPDATE, 10:30 am, 10/10:

The hospital called and I talked to a vet tech. The internist wants to see me at 11:30 to go over everything. She says Dex is stable but that the doctor would go over everything. She wouldnt answer any questions and I understand. So yes, my heart is in my throat. In the meantime….

I have a theory. Cockers have long floppy ears and are notorious for ear infections. Dex only had one ear infection in his entire life and it was caused by meds during his kennel cough bout years ago. I keep them free of debris, flushed weekly, and properly groomed for air circulation. We have been fortunate.

So Dex had this junky stuff for weeks in his ear. I figured an infection was starting to come up, because his right ear canal is super narrow and the vet told us that and recommended curettage to open the canal more at some point. Dex always gets things on the right side of his body it seems. I digress.

In any case, I was flushing it with stuff from the vet twice a week for weeks.

The vet looked in Dexter’s ear 09/22 and said waxy but not infection. At that time, he didnt examine the wax under microscope.

Then on Saturday morning, 10/07, I looked at Dexter’s ear before we left for the beach and it was disgusting so I started his ear antibiotic. I now believe that was dried blood and wax coming out. It was gross. I was going to call his vet Monday and felt comfortable with that at the time because I had ear antibiotic to put in. I thought the red bumps on Saturday morning were bug bites or infection related on his inner right ear flat. It was petechiae I have since learned from IMT.

I wrote to the famed veterinarian, Dr. Jean Dodds, and paid $150 for an email consultation. She got back to me today. She gave me some recommendations I will discuss with the internist today but also said that stress or infection can cause IMT in dogs. So I went looking for more on that note. A bell went off. This bell may mean nothing, but it’s the first bell that went off since this nightmare began.

Again, remember one cause of IMT is bacterial infection. This is what petMD says, “Otitis media refers to an inflammation of the dog’s middle ear, while otitis interna refers to an inflammation of the inner ear, both of which are commonly caused by BACTERIAL infection.”

Now, are any bells going off? Was this brewing from the ear infection? And yes, Dex is on Tresaderm for ear infection and I think they are doing in both ears, even though one is only affected, and he is on antibiotics.

This could be something or nothing, I don’t know. But I know that he had this before the beach now.

More later.

DEXTER UPDATE, 1 pm, 10/10: (long, but trying to share as much as I can)

I met with the internal medicine doctor at the veterinary hospital today. They brought Dexter in to be with me, I fed him, walked him, and then we hung out together for a while before he internist came in. I really like him for starters.

Platelets today 98,000 and his platelet count is on the way up. They were zero on intake. 98,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This second and complete abdominal ultrasound today was normal.

He ate organic ground meat for me and was major thirsty: He drank nearly a whole bottle of water, thank you steroids. He is on an IV fluids line. He peed and pooped for me and the poop a bit loose but brown. No black!

The internist had me review what brought Dexter to this point.

Doctor says he responded and very quickly. Many dogs don’t and he said we are very lucky. He has had dogs in the hospital for 2 weeks and 8 blood transfusions in house, not a Cocker. He treats a lot of dogs for this. He said this could be way worse.

In most cases, they present because a groomer or pet parent sees a change. Bruising, bloody nose or ears, bloody gums, or bloody diarrhea because the dog is bleeding from their intestinal tract. Basically, anywhere the body can bleed from minimal trauma is where they are going to start bruising.

Belly, ears, gums most likely parts to bleed. Dex had bleeding from ear and gums.

What causes it? Most of the time we never find out.

Anything can do it, including an ear infection.

Anything that stimulates a dog’s immune system can cause this.

The typical culprits are tick borne diseases, and he added more things on the panel to be sent out to screen, or it can be UTI, antibiotics like sulfa drugs and maybe vaccines.

They can respond rapidly which Dex has done so far. Vincristine is the chemo drug and Dex had one shot of that. Some dogs he has seen have had to get 2 doses.

Steroids: Doxycycline and other immunosuppressants depending on how the dog responds.

He has responded better than most dogs. That is a direct quote and my favorite quote of the day!

The last dog he saw in house for this became anemic he bled so much. Would not stop. Another one belonged to a doctor and was rescued. Dog is okay now but lots of transfusions – he was bleeding into intestinal tract and no outward signs but that.

Dexter’s blood panel: On the 8th all was good, the alk phos was a little high but that was up since he was 2 years old. Vet says that’s weird but maybe a liver biopsy down the road to know what’s that about if we want.

He asked me what meds Dex was on at the time and I reiterated. Don’t give any of the meds any more. Stop them. He says try another drug, so another form of glucosamine for example.

Heartworm preventative – don’t use that one again. Try another one. Don’t give anything. It’s unlikely but it’s possible. No fish oil. Stop anything for now.

Most of the time we will never know what caused this.

We can treat this and it can come back, it can happen again. He had one dog, every time he got a UTI he had IMT flare up. His platelets would go down every time. I will be finding out about things like immune strengtheners and milk thistle. But I cant add anything in that could make his tender immune system tank again.

He says this is like when we get the flu vaccine…it stimulates the immune system and you may get a fever. The vaccine stimulates the immune system and the immune system does things it is not supposed to do. Other pathways get stimulated and they start doing things like killing the platelets or kill red blood cells.

If cancer were causing this, usually the dog is very sick. Dex is not and no evidence of cancer on scans and xrays.(bone marrow cancer, leukemia); it’s rare he finds cancer.

He looked up Dexter’s blood panels to date: He has responded quickly and he doesn’t see that often. #GoDex

RCC is a little low and that is okay. His white cell count is high and that is because his body is responding to the low platelets and saying “hey I have no platelets, the bone marrow needs to be active” so they start shooting out white cells at the same time.

His red cell count is 29.9, and when Dex came in it was 47. It has come down quite a bit. He says when dogs have immune mediated disease to one cell line, it can also go to the other.

He says IMHA can happen. I told him I don’t want to hear it (laughing, but I don’t want to hear that).

He says the same treatment and can’t really separate it sometimes. He says Dex has not bled enough through his gums for his red blood cells to have gone so low. So it could be IMHA. He would not be surprised. It will be watched. He is just seeing Dex for the first time today so he said we will monitor this. So now, the platelets need to keep rising and the red blood cells need to stay steady and not drop!

For IMHA, if that is what it ends up as, and with IMT that is called Evans syndrome. We aren’t going there yet. You give vitamins, iron and couple other things. He would handle it. Right now he is adding B12 and folic acid for Dex.

He has to be on steroids and if he becomes too anemic, they have to transfuse him and he is not at that point.

The meds are making him tired and they are watching his red cell count close. He is sending out a blood smear to a lab so they can look under a microscope and he will look to see if evidence of IMHA.

In terms of discharge, if his platelets keeping rising and he wants his red cell count to be stable and not dropping. If he gets to 15, they are going to transfuse him with whole blood.

When the critical care doctor saw Dex over the weekend and Monday, she felt the red cell count was dropping from loss and not from destruction, so I am hanging onto that.

The internist will be in the rest of the week every day and will see Dexter. I will go back tonight at around 9 pm to feed him and see him.

Tomorrow we see how things are going. Maybe discharge depending on how things progress.

Oh and while there, he had a sneezing fit. He sneezed like 20 times. Not sure what that was about.

I firmly believe the power of prayer and love is working. Whatever this is, we have to manage it. He said it will be a roller coaster, he can end up with more episodes and anything can trigger it. We have to be diligent and have blood draws and watch him. We shall.

In all honestly, it is you, the ones who care and are praying and sending love who are watching him. Thank you a million times over.

More to follow tonight.

Oh and on the way out, I stopped at the reception area to tell them I’d be back later. The gal says to me, “I see Sexy Dexy is back.” I started laughing; she loved him and remembered him from the ACL surgeries performed there. She shared that this is a roller coaster of a disease but can be handled. I love her.

And Then

I received a note from Dr. Laurie Coger who asked, “Is he autoagglutinating?”

Auto what?

You can see the red cells clumping together, she explained, with the naked eye. Here’s a pic of a slide agglutination test — see how the red cells look grainy and clumped:

Photo courtesy Dr. Laurie Coger

Dr. Coger says treatment is very similar for both IMHA and IMT. She suspects the drop in Dexter’s red blood count is fluids and some blood loss. Plus, he’s shifted to making platelets and WBC — his body can only churn out so many. The pathologist’s review of the slides will be a good way to see what cells he’s making.

Wednesday, October 11th, 2017

Immune Mediated Thrombocytopenia Day Three

Dexter is discharged today. His platelets at 6 am came in at 197,000! He was at zero on Saturday the 7th of October. YAY and hallejuah. We spoke with the Internist on discharge today. He said that Dexter was doing great. He was sent home with multiple meds. One of them is melatonin, a nutriceutical, and he will keep him on it for a long time, even after this crisis has passed down the road. It helps the platelet production. He is also taking the steroid, prednisolone; doxycycline, an antibiotic; and Baytril, an antibiotic in case he has something called bartonella, for which the blood test is pending. He is taking omeprazole, which is for his stomach on the sterioids. He is also sent home on Liqui-Tinic, which is a vitamin and iron supplement for mild anemia. His red cell count is in the low 30s, which is fine.

At some point he had some blood (melena) in his stool while there. The steroid will make him eat, drink, and pant more. Not all dogs experience the symptoms, but many do. He can be lethargic from it.

Activity wise, he is not allowed long walks or anything extreme for a while. He expects things to continue to improve. Back to his regular diet. He will be seen on Friday, 10/13, with a CBC check, too.

Dexter came in with an ear infection and is going home on Tresaderm, which was used in the hospital.

I can continue teeth brushing. If he bleeds, we need to know.

Diagnosis is for sure IMT.

Sidebark

My ear theory on this is above. I am still really getting a strong vibe on that, but I will wait to see if any of the obscure tests and tick-borne diseases mitigated this.

DEXTER UPDATE, 10/11: 9 pm:  Dexter is home, where he belongs. He rested, buried his bone, ate a bit, is now having a treat. We have to give him a bunch of meds and my spouse made a chart. Next internist visit is Friday morning and a blood draw. In the meantime, my Cocker friend Ellen Toomey, sent me these keep-track-of sheets she uses for her dog’s eye medications. Feel free to download and print for your own dogs if they receive multiple medications.

Dexter was discharged with platelets around 197,000. Mild anemia but not IMHA. He has IMT. We found out he started bleeding internally day two but we had him in the hospital so meds caught that. His poop was black. Thank God we got him to the hospital when we did.

I’m encouraging all of you to know what is normal in your dog, look now. Take photos. Pink gums. Ear flaps. Eyes. Then if abnormal happens, you act. Know that any change in urine or bowel movements Should be checked. Don’t wait. Moments matter. Don’t judge someone else’s dog’s illness with your own dog’s issues. Every dog and every treatment plan is different. Trust your gut. Don’t wait. I share to help others and so you feel better prepared as a pet parent and questions to ask, things to watch for.

On another note, today is the day our previous Cocker Spaniel, Brandy Noel, left this earth and crossed over the rainbow bridge on October 11, 2008. I do not think this is a coincidence And I truly feel she watched over her brother.

DEXTER UPDATE, 10/12: 1 pm: Dex is holding steady, had a good night, and a long road ahead, but day by day. He sees the internal medicine specialist tomorrow and has a blood panel done at that time. We are waiting for some special blood tests to come back on him, too. Bad gas and not too thrilled to eat so I tried to put some plain cooked turkey atop his food. It worked! He ate lunch and then a treat.  His tracheal scarring cough has flared big time. I will talk to the internist about that tomorrow. I was up 6 times last night – just bolted up out of bed to check him and his gums, etc. He is on nine meds and several things a day.

As fellow pet parents, I feel I can be frank and say this without causing eye rolls, and oh well if I do. He has some bad gas and loose poops, but to be expected with the meds he is on. The dog mom in me gets flashbacks to my previous Cocker’s IBD struggles, but I know that this is different. At least his bowel movements are brown and not black.

Dr. Jean Dodds: Amazing Veterinarian of the Highest Order: Consultation

For a fee, Dr. Dodds would do an email consultation. I wrote to ask her a ton of things about IMT. She is the founder of Hemopet and one of the best veterinarians in the world for me and millions of others. I am excerpting a few items of interest in her reply to me:

Q: Any thoughts on reasons for ITP?

A:  Any thoughts on reasons for ITP? Does he have bad gingivitis or dental disease? One of the most common causes of ITP is bacterial gingivitis and tartar – as platelets end up being mopped up as so-called “innocent bystanders” in the bacteria + cell based immune response.   Recent stress ?  Any physical, physiological or emotional stress event can trigger an episode of ITP in genetically susceptible animals or breeds. Is he a parti-color  or buff?

Q: What is a typical post emergency protocol to treat this?

A: See attached. BUT, importantly , he needs a complete thyroid antibody profile run to be sure as a cocker that he doesn’t have underlying autoimmune thyroiditis of familial hypothyroidism.

Note: Dexter can’t have this tested right away because he is on steroids and that would affect the test results.

There is much more, but I highly recommend you look up Dr. Dodds for email consultation. She is in California. Her fee is worth it and is a donation to the blood bank she runs for dogs, I believe.

Note

This blog post will be updated regularly through our journey in diary style. Stay tuned and any prayers are needed and appreciated.

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