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xxisxxisxxis · 4 years

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Gateway Drug | Part Ninety-Four [PT.2]

Words: 2k

Warning(s): explicit language

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VIVIAN

"Who was that?" Mandy asks me as I hang up the phone after talking to Nikki.

"Nikki." I reply, helping her get the straps on her dress adjusted.

She doesn't look like a conventional bride in her satin black dress that reaches just below her thighs.

"Looks pretty." I tell her.

"Thanks." She replies.

I think for a moment before clearing my throat.

"Are you nervous at all?" I ask her and she looks at me.

"No? Should I be?"

"I mean, it's just a big step, you know?"

"Not any bigger than already living together. It's not gonna change much." She says. "It's just a silly piece of paper to me." She admits. "I'm doing this for him, he's always wanted to get married--don't get me wrong, I have, too--but it's never been on my absolutely priority list like it's on his." She explains.

"If it's just a silly piece of paper, why does it take so long to get it annulled, or divorce finalized?" I ask her and she furrows her brows.

"There's a lot that goes into marriage, Mandy, and it does change things to an extent. But it's a good change." I assure her.

"No offense, Vivian, but shouldn't you be worried about your own marriage before you worry about mine?" She asks me, a little aggravated.

I get aggravated right back.

"I didn't mean anything by it, Amanda. I just think you shouldn't marry him because he wants marriage more than you do and you want to make him happy. You marry him because you love him and you want to do it without the pressure of living up to a standard he subconsciously has placed on you. I'm just trying to look out for both of you because I'm his friend and I'm--"

"--Trust me, I'm well aware." She cuts me short.

"Then act like it and don't talk to me like that in my own fucking house." I snap.

She just stares at me and I stare at her.

"You know what? I need to get going. I've gotta run to town. Thanks for your help." She says flatly, getting the dress back off and pulling her clothes on.

When she gets to the door she stops and turns to me.

"I get it. You're carrying his kid and I'm the woman he proposed to when you wouldn't stay with him. I wasn't trying to be a bitch. I'm just trying to fucking adjust to this shit, because it's hard on me, Vivian. This whole clusterfuck is really fucking hard on me."

"Like it's easy for me?" I ask her, scoffing.

"I have to know I'm second to him, Vivian. Do you know how much that fucking hurts? And he swears up and down I'm first, I'm a priority, but I know I'm not. I know if both of us was fucking dying and he could only save one, he'd choose you."

"Well, like you said, I'm the one pregnant with his kid, so…" I blurt it without a thought and immediately regret it.

She just looks hurt--betrayed even--and slams the door shut on her way out before she gets to her car and squeals out of the driveway.

"Shit." I say to myself. "Vivian, you shouldn't have fucking said that...what have you done?"

I figured Duff would call shortly after and scold me. Little did I know the phone call would be skipped altogether.

"What the hell, Vivian?!" Duff says, slamming my door shut and I jump a little, looking at him as he comes to me in the living room.

"I didn't mean to say what I said." I tell him.

"Didn't mean to say it?! You basically told her you were more important because you're knocked up with my baby!"

"Am I not?" I ask him, raising my brows.

"That doesn't mean you're more important to me, Vivian. That doesn't mean Mandy's second place right now. You're both important to me in different ways!"

"Oh, so if I told you Nikki and I were done and I wanted to be with you, you wouldn't leave her within a matter of days and be with me?"

"Not with you acting like this." He declares.

"Like what?"

"Like fucking--" He stops talking before he says something he'll regret, before huffing out a breath of air… "You're jealous, and I get that, but you're not treating Mandy like shit just because you think you have the upper hand, right now."

"I didn't treat her like shit, I just said--"

"--I know what you said. She told me what you said. I love you, but I'm not doing the petty cat-fight drama so cut it out." He states sternly. "And if you wanna play the, 'I'm carrying his baby' card, that's fine. Be the woman I just got pregnant. But she'll always be the one I married."

"She's also the one hammering screwdrivers with you at brunch, I've heard." I tell him, crossing my arms, trying not to be hurt by his words.

"Whatever makes you feel a million miles taller than everybody else, Viv." He gives up, heading to the door before turning to look at me. "You're taking your medication like you're supposed to, right?"

"Go fuck yourself." I snap.

"That's what I thought." He says sharply.

"You can leave now." I say, defensively.

I thought that was that...thought.

"I just missed a dose or two, Nikki, honestly." I tell him the next morning, not necessarily telling the truth but also not lying completely.

"Vivian, we're not doing this shit where you don't take your medication, again." He tells me.

"I'm not doing it, Nikki."

"And I've heard some shit about fucking lithium and you don't need to just miss any doses if you can help it. It can fuck your body up and if it can do that to you it sure as shit can hurt the baby."

"Nikki, I didn't miss any doses on purpose, I just forgot."

"Right, like you forgot to take your Nardil for three months in a row at times."

"Can you hop off, Nikki, I mean, seriously. I'm trying here."

"I'm not trying to get on to you, Viv, I just want you to take this serious."

"I do." I insist.

"Then why is Duff telling me you went off on Mandy and him?"

"Oh, he told you that, too? Along with my lack of taking my medicine on time?"

"He's worried, Vivian."

"He should be. He's fucking his life up by marrying her."

"Vivian." He snaps and I look at him, sighing.

"We broke up. And within a few weeks, he's engaged to her, Nikki. They're getting married in two months, did you know that? Who the hell gets married five months after they have a breakup from someone they were in love with? Not to mention his drinking."

"So what if the guy had a few screwdrivers at breakfast or whatever? I've seen Sharise throw back mimosas at ten in the morning before."

"Champagne and orange juice is a lot different than straight vodka and orange juice, Nikki." I state.

"Alcohol is alcohol." He reminds me. "And besides, he's probably drinking because he's under a lot of pressure with the band right now, and you're catching a lot of shit right now, and he's got a lot on his mind." He adds.

"I do, too, but I'm not rushing into a marriage to try to convince myself I'm making the right decision." I mumble.

"Nah, I think you and I both did enough of that five years ago." He replies and I realize what I said, and look at him pointedly.

"I didn't mean it like that."

"I didn't say you did. I just think maybe you're taking something out on him because you don't want him to me the same mistake we did." He suggests.

"Oh, so you're the therapist now or something?"

He just stares at me with a little smirk, his eyes searching mine.

"I'm gonna blame the exponential amount of bitchiness on the pregnancy." Is all he says before trying to get up.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I say, reaching out and grabbing his wrist, and he looks at me and sits back down. "I'm sorry, Nikki, alright?"

"There's a reason I wanted to talk to you, I didn't just bring you down here so you could start a fight." He raises his brows. "I wanted to talk to you about something important."

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and he rubs his face. "Look, about the whole sex thing…"

My face burns with embarrassment and I let out a breath.

"I don't wanna talk about it, Nikki. Let's just forget it happened." I tell him.

"No, don't do that, Viv, it's not anything to be--"

"--I cried and whined over not getting dick. Yes, it is something to be embarrassed about. So let's just not even acknowledge it happened."

"You were crying and whining because I, your husband, wouldn't be intimate with you. It has nothing to do with sex itself, but the feeling that comes with it--at least that's what Amber told me." He tells me.

I just smile at the fact he's actually paying attention to his therapist instead of blowing off her intel.

"I guess you're right." I reply.

"And I'm sorry for that…it's not like I just found out about the baby. I've known it since you told me. I agreed to work this out with you, you know? So I shouldn't have thrown it in your face that I'm not attracted to you because of the baby thing."

"Well...are you not attracted to me?"

"The first session we had I was trying to get you on Amber's desk, Viv." He reminds me, chuckling.

"That was before you knew I was pregnant, Nikki."

"...It was?"

"I think it was."

"...oh…"

"Look, I'm just as attracted to you now as I was when we first met." He assures me.

"You hated me when we first met."

"Doesn't mean I didn't wanna get you under me." He shrugs.

"Oh, whatever." I roll my eyes and he grins.

"My point is that I'm sorry for making you feel like something's wrong with you or you're undesirable or something. The truth is, Amber suggested that we wait on having sex for a while until we're mentally stable enough to separate sex and intimacy from problem solving and apologies."

"...And you agree with her?" I raise a brow, not believing my ears.

Since when the hell does Nikki Sixx take marriage advice from anybody?

"Yeah, I guess I do." He shrugs.

I just scoff.

"Viv, you said it yourself multiple times the past few years that sex doesn't solve anything."

"I meant using sex as a means to brush things under the rug. Not just happy-go-lucky-'we aren't just doing this to keep our marriage from falling apart'-sex."

"Was there a difference in the two by 1986?" He raises his brows and I'm about to argue some more, but he has a point.

"I'm trying, Viv. You know I am. I haven't tried barely at all, and you know that, too, so please, let's just see if this works." He pleads.

"So, what, we're just not gonna do anything until we get our crap together?"

"That's a good way to put it, yeah." He nods.

Despite it being an inconvenience, it'd be well worth it. Maybe if we aren't so focused on getting each other's bones jumped, it'll give us time to actually grow up, some.

"Okay, Nikki." I agree and he looks relieved.

I made a very deliberate point to stop by Amber's office on the way out.

#nikki sixx #nikki sixx x oc #nikki sixx fanfiction #gateway drug

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thoughtsafter3am · 3 years

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As a plus size woman, I don’t think I can begin to describe what this means. I’m simultaneously happy that for once, I won’t have to go to some dusty corner of a store full of shapeless tents but also kind of frustrated that a simple act of decency of being able to shop like standard size women is getting the response that is currently is from me.

Shopping as a plus size woman is one of the most humiliating and uncomfortable experiences, so much so that I don’t do it. I always buy the same pair of jeans, the same shirts in different colors, and shop at the same three stores as quickly as I possibly can. I spend a longer time grocery shopping for just myself than clothing shopping. There is nothing that makes a person feel shittier and less of a human than being relegated to the corner in the back of the store by the clearance clothes to three racks full of leopard print mumus and bedazzled t-shirts with “empowering” phrases on them. I don’t need my t-shirt to tell me “You go girl!” in cheap pink rhinestones. Shopping in a plus size section really and truly is one of the most demoralizing and dejecting things. I think that if you’ve never felt that, what it’s like to feel like a brand doesn’t really even want you in their store, you don’t truly understand it and how much it makes you think twice before going shopping, especially with other people.

I grew up in the heyday of malls (or at least when the malls were still thriving) and I can count on one hand the number of times I went shopping with friends. Even in high school, I was bigger than my friends and my proportions made finding clothes that fit and I felt comfortable in difficult. If it fit my chest, it was too big on my waist and vice versa, so you had to buy for what was biggest. And so, I was relegated to that small corner of empirically ugly clothing. No one wants to be the fat girl who forces their friends to traverse to the “ladies plus/women’s” section so you get really good at lying and saying that you just weren’t planning on buying anything. Or you do what I did and just spend all your money on books (and create a habit you are still trying to tamp down in your late 20s 🙃). It was simply easier to remove myself from the equation and shop for myself on my own time than to have to worry about burdening my friends by making them take a special trip to the basement of the department store for me and me alone. If I couldn’t physically be small, then I would make myself small in terms of my wants and how I impacted others. I avoided school dances in part because half of the fun was going with friends to get dresses but it’s less than fun when you went to store after store and all that is in your size we’re mother of the bride dresses so you just sit there quietly and add commentary to all that your friends tried on. You start to equate shopping for clothes with an overwhelming sense of shame, so you don’t. I often joked that I was my friends’ packhorse because I got really good at holding copious amounts of clothing while they browsed the racks (and if one thing goes hand in hand with shopping in the plus size section, it’s self-deprecating humor 😉).

To this day, I still have trouble spending money on clothing. I can drop $75 on books without thinking twice but $25 dollars for a blouse? Nope. Walking into a store, whether it be a Target (which, like, thanks for having your Ava and Viv line but do you always have to put it next to the maternity section?) or even a Torrid which caters to plus size women, all I want to do is get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. It doesn’t take a degree in psychology to connect the dots: clothing shopping has zero positive reinforcement for plus sized women and if behaviorism taught us anything, it’s that humans are able to be conditioned. The number of times I have steeled my nerves and forced myself not to cry while clothes shopping has made me avoid it like the plague. Why would I actively participate in something that makes me feel bad and completely separates me from others? So I don’t. And I don’t think that I’m the only person who does this.

While Old Navy being inclusive in their sizing doesn’t fix the particular problem of dress shopping, it hopefully will spark other brands to do the same so more young Melissas won’t develop an abject hatred of shopping for fear of being humiliated. The fact that I (and more importantly my high school self who was very insecure but very good at lying about it) would be able to go into a single store, try on the same clothes as my friends, and pay the same price is honestly making me emotional. But once again, this is simply a brand doing the bare minimum. Treating people like people and not something that you are doing a favor to like “Ugh, fine. Here’s some sparkly blouses. You’re welcome, peasants. But also, that will be $100.” What a novel concept.

(And any of you trolls who are like “well, if you just exercised and lost weight, you wouldn’t have that problem,” to you I say: (1) you don’t know everyone’s circumstances; (2) there’s more to losing weight than just exercising (hint: depression is not something that magically is exercised away); and (3) why do you choose to spend your time being mean?)

#melissa is maudlin on main #wow common decency #but it’s actually got me crying in the club #plus size #shopping #old navy

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wlw-lovestruck-fiction · 4 years

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Xenia (Fluff)

Fluffy ABC (D, J, L, S)

Kisses Prompt 22 (interrupted by a third party)

Anon Request #1: “Cuddling with Xenia headcanons? (Four! Arms!)”

Anon Request #2: “Aftercare cuddling with Xenia? (Four arms means so much gentle stroking and I’m… SOFT)”

Anon Request #3: “don’t get me wrong I’m living for all the Xenia smut but, what about some fluff? Maybe Xenia comforting MC when she’s sad?”

Anon Request #4: “Xenia kissing headcanons?”

Anon Request #5: “Can we get something very soft with Xenia? Just, like, a quiet moment with her, with no distractions?”

Anon Request #6: “Headcanons for mornings with Xenia?”

Anon Request #7: “Xenia first kiss headcanons?”

Anon Request #8: “Okay im sure this has been requested a thousand times now after that one ask but headcanons for snowball fight w xenia that maybe ends w mc getting a cold and xenia taking care of her?”

Anon Request #9: “So yeah I just discovered Xenia is scare of mice and I’d like nothing more but MC to protect her with her life lmao, this could be a fluff fic idea?? promt? I don’t mind, do whatever you like as long as it is cute plss 🥺”

Anon Request #10: “What is Xenia like when she is in love? Headcanons pls”

Anon Request #11: “Is it bad I want an Xenia cuddle fic? Like she secretly wants cuddles and finally gives in to it”

Anon Request #12: “Please may I request something to do with Xenia teaching MC the harp? :)”

Anon Request #13: “🍎👑⚔ I have this HC that the RP MC has seen some shit growing up in The Wilds. Can you write either a fic or more HC’s about Xenia comforting her after a really bad nightmare that had her wake up screaming? 🖤🌌🕷”

Anon Request #14: “Reigning Passions MC crying in her room after Tansy makes fun of her ears and Xenia comforting her/assuring her that they’re beautiful. I miss you guys so much! ❤️”’

Anon Request #15: “Please can I request something fluffy? MC telling Xenia that she’s with child. How would she react and what fluffy-ness might occur afterwards? :3 Thank you in advance 😁”

Anon Request #16: “Okay so what if one of Xenias spiders escapes but when she goes looking for it she finds the spider following MC around like a child?”

Anon Request #17: “XENIA’S MC SOMEHOW BECOMES JUST LIKE THE SLEEPING QUEEN AND XENIA’S KISS WAKES HER UP. KINDA LIKE HOW HELENA GOT HER MEMORIES BACK WHEN HER MC KISSED HER. #TRUELOVESKISS 💋”

Anon Request #18: “Xenia slowly becoming happier and removing her mourning veil. Either HC or fic, whichever you think fits best x”

Anon Request #19: “MC walking in on Xenia working bec she wanted to talk to her about something and when she sees Xenia, she’s so overwhelmed by gay that she just blurts out “You’re beautiful” as soon as Xenia looks at her? (They aren’t together yet.)”

Anon Request #20: “Oh my God the post about MC x Xenia expecting a baby was so cute 😍 Instantly got me thinking- Xenia is pretty protective about MC naturally but imagine how she’d be whilst her partner was carrying their baby? Or after the baby was born? One protective Spider mama! 🖤🕷”

Anon Request #21: “Can you write Xenia finding MC drunk in her room asking to her spiders how to ask Xenia in a date? “

Anon Request #22: “I’d love to see a scene with Xenia and a pregnant MC. Your headcannons are amazing, but your scenes are sublime.”

Anon Request #23: “So apparently Xenia loves “how the stars shine in the dark” and I was wondering if you had any HCs about how a star-gazing date between Xenia x MC would go down? Thanks for all your work!”

Anon Request #24: “can we have some xenia/mc fluff in the early morning, cuddling in bed just after waking?”

Anon Request #25: “ HC or Fic on how Xenia would handle MC’s weird pregnancy cravings in the middle of the night? “

Anon Request #26: “Can you please give us more head canons of how Xenia would treat a pregnant MC? “

Anon Request #27: “Just short and sweet ask Xenia having a rough time dealing with issues related to the kingdom late one night and mc convincing her to come to bed for cuddles”

Anon Request #28: “Ooh I need more fics about Mc and xenia spiders please 😍❤️”

Anon Request #29: Hey ladies! I am a avid fan of your blog and pretty glad that you are here during this time of the coronavirus. It's pretty bad here and on top of that,I haven't been feeling very well lately and with Xenia's season ended and having read through all the wlw stories (Viv, Helena and Vanessa are in my top 5 after Xenia), I was wondering if anyone could write a small head cannon about soft Xenia? Maybe when they visit the Autumn quarter and pass by Val's headstone? Thank you so much!

Anon Request #30: “Can I request MC singing to Xenia and her head is on MCs lap? And it’s just? Soft?”

Anon Request #31: “God, with those asks earlier about Xenia and eggsacs, I need to see some sort of funny fluffy story where Xenia’s pregnant and pranks MC by telling her she’s going to lay a bunch of spider eggs instead of having a regular baby. Bonus points if Gideon and/or Ruelle are in on it.”

Anon Request #32: “MC doing something that Xenia finds so adorable that she starts to blush and the MC being so oblivious that she worries Xenia has a fever.”:

Anon Request #33: “any random Xenia fluff headcanons?”

Anon Request #34: ”Any chance of getting a little story about the very first time Xenia and MC kiss🙈”

Anon Request #35: “Gods, I need 28 from the kissing prompts for Xenia… with Xenia tracing MC’s lips with a fingertip until she can’t resist any longer, tilting her chin towards her for a kiss.”

Anon Request #36: “xenia and mc cuddling in bed and just talking to each other after sex. no smut or angst, just fluff please.”

Anon Request #37: “MC giving a back massage to Xenia? I think our lovely Spy Mistress might need one.”

Anon Request #38: “Xenia POV waking up with MC in her arms for the first time. Lotsa fluff please.”

Anon Request #39: “Can I get a small fic on anything involving Xenia? Preferably fluff if that is okay!”

Anon Request #40: “hi there. so I have this hurt/comfort fic idea with Xenia. Tansy's bullying MC again, saying that no one will ever want MC in a sexual way. and it hits too close to home, since MC was rejected a lot in her teens because of her ears. so MC runs away from Tansy and Xenia catches up to her, takes her hands in hers and says that she wants MC. u know, not in a flirting way, she just says it... like a well known fact 🥺”

Anon Request #41: “ I’m sick at home today. Could I get a request for sick MC being taken care of by Xenia?”

Anon Request #42: “The angst request for Xenia where Mc broke up with her basically saying she was faking to get to the throne Broke me! (Kudos to the writer it was Great!) could I request a fluffy continuation where it was a nightmare and Xenia wakes up gasping awaking Mc who is beside her and is like “love are you okay” because yes mc loves her everything is fine I’m not crying mc I yawned but please hug me very tightly now and reassure me of your love- i went off lol but- please? 🥺”

Anon Request #43: 50 types of kisses 12 for Xenia - "Sneaking away to a hidden corner to share a secretive kiss"

Request #1: “FIRST OF ALL I JUST NEED TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOUR PAGE SO MUCH! 😁❤️ CAN I PLEASE PUT A REQUEST IN FOR MC X XENIA? IF I CAN I’M WONDERING HOW A PROPOSAL WOULD GO BETWEEN THEM? IF MC WOULD DO IT OR IF XENIA WOULD AND HOW THEY’D GO ABOUT IT ETC- GOOD GOD I’M A HOPELESS ROMANTIC AND I JUST WANT HER TO BE HAPPY 😅”

Request #2: “Xenia x mc hc wordless ways of i love you. Saw one of the one with vivienne. I’d just had to see it for Xenia”

#reigning passions xenia #xenia x mc #xenia x reader #xenia of the autumn #rp xenia #reigning passions #fluff

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courtofjurdan · 4 years

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Here is my promised part 2 to this request - “What would you do if I didn’t come back?”

part 1

WC:1353

______________________

Jude drove fast, too fast if she had to admit. It started raining outside which made it hard to see. The tears in her eyes didn’t help her see any better. She was on her way to Vivi’s house. She needed to go somewhere and get drunk or something. Just something to erase what she saw. What happened.

All of sudden she heard a loud screeching noise. Horns started to go off then she looked out the side of her widow and saw headlights coming straight at her. She remembers the car hitting her and then the headlights became dark. Her mind fell into oblivion.

oOoOo

Cardan was sitting on the couch, half into his bottle of wine when a call came through his phone. He looked and didn’t recognize the number so he decided to ignore it. But not 3 minutes later, the same number called again. He got aggravated.

“This better be important.”

The nurse on the other hand was confused. “Um, is this Cardan Greenbriar?”

He sobered you a little bit. This sounds important. “Yes, who’s asking?”

“Hello this is Sophie Johnson from Elfhame medical, your wife, Jude Duarte Greenbriar, was in a wreck and has been taken by ambulance. She is in critical condition. We have her in ICU. She has some internal bleeding and she needs to have surgery but we need your consent. She has you down as her health care proxy. So do you give consent?”

Cardan didn’t know what to do. This was his doing. His fault. He caused this. He shouldn’t have let that girl in the house. He should’ve been more considerate. His wife, his queen, his Jude was hurt because of him. Guilt and worry hit him hard.

“Yeah, yes I do. Is she okay?”

“Sir, I can’t give you any more news than what I have told you. The surgeon will tell you when she gets out of surgery.”

“Okay, I will be there shortly.” Cardan hung up the phone.

He couldn’t drive, he has been drinking. He doesn’t want to risk anything so he calls the next person in line to take him to the hospital. Vivienne.

“Hello, this is Vivienne.”

In a rush of words, “Viv, Jude has been in a car accident. I need you to take me to the hospital. It's bad. Really bad. I can’t drive, I’ve been drinking.”

Vivi, though worried, she is still pissed at him. “Oh so now you care about her. When she is literally on her deathbed.”

“I don't have time for this right now. Please take me. It was a misunderstanding. I promise. I wouldn’t lie.”

He hears Vivi take a deep breath. “Fine. I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

He hangs up and goes to get some water in an attempt to sober himself up. He waits and waits for Vivi. The longest wait of his life. His heart is beating out of his chest. What if something happens during surgery? What happens if she doesn’t forgive him? What happens if she doesn’t make it and the last conversation they had was an argument about something stupid he did?

He sees Vivi’s headlights and runs out the door. Locking the door was forgotten. They drove in silence till Vivi asked, “What happened earlier, Cardan? Why was she so upset?”

Vivi wanted to know his side of the story. “I spilt some coffee over some girl in the neighborhood when I went running. I felt bad so I brought her to the house, washed her dress in the sink for her and had her put on Jude’s robe. Well she walked in seeing the girl in her robe sitting on the edge of the bed while I was in the bathroom with the dress in my hand. I know what Jude saw. I know what it looked like, but I promise I did nothing to her.”

Vivi contemplated his story. She didn’t say a thing which made Cardan even more nervous. They pulled up to the hospital and parked, before he could get out Vivi touched his arm, “You’re a good man, Cardan. And Jude loves you more than life itself. I hope to believe your story is true. I hope to believe you love my sister as much as she loves you.”

Cardan looked at her. “I do. Believe me, I do.”

Cardan got out and walked as fast and smoothly as he could. He got to the counter and said, “I’m here for Jude Duarte Greenbriar.”

The nurse typed on her computer. “Yes she is still in surgery. Have a seat in the waiting room and the doctor will come out later to talk with you.”

Cardan sat down and waited. Taryn and Garret ended up coming. Later Liliver and Van came. Jude had her own little fan base in the waiting room. Cardan sat there for five hours before someone called out “Husband of Jude Greenbriar?”

Cardan was up in an instance. “Yes that’s me.”

The doctor greeted him. “Hello I’m Dr. Moren. Jude had some extensive damage to the left side of her body. She has some internal bleeding that we had to go in and fix. She had a couple of pins put in her arm. She broke it pretty good. She has bruises all over her. The left side of her face is pretty bruised which indicates a possibility of her having head trauma. The CT scan of her head came back good though so that’s a good thing.”

“When can I see her?”

“You and only you can go. Other family and friends will have to wait until she is out of ICU.”

Cardan nodded and the doctor led him to a room with a girl that had monitors and tubes on her everywhere. The sight brought tears to Cardan’s eyes. He didn't like the sight of her like this. Didn’t like the sight of her so weak and vulnerable.

The doctor brought him in and left him to process. He went and grabbed Jude’s un-casted arm. He gave a noble, gentle kiss to her forehead. He let the moist tears and quiet sobs rack through him.

About an hour and a half later, Jude began to move. She started to groan, he supposed in pain.

“Hey baby, look at me. Don’t move.”

Jude opened those bright brown eyes. “What happened?”

This is when Cardan’s eyes started to get misty again. “You got in a car wreck when you left the house.” He paused. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I promise I didn’t cheat on you. I know what it looked like. I see your perspective, but I was just helping that girl out, I promise. Please forgive me, Jude.” A sob broke through him. “Please forgive me.”

Jude hasn’t seen Cardan cry from shame, guilt, and fear. Hasn’t seen that distraught face on him. The sincerity in his words struck Jude. He really didn’t do anything wrong.

“No I’m sorry Cardan. I should have let you speak. I should have trusted you. But I didn’t and look where it got me.”

Cardan was quick to answer. He rubbed the top of Jude’s head. “No, no baby. This isn’t your fault at all. Okay? Do not blame this on yourself. Okay?”

Jude just nodded.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Cardan.”

“I’m so happy you're back home. I’m going to take care of you until you get better, okay? Your stubbornness is not going to change that, got it?”

That got a smile and laugh out of Jude and he would do anything to see and hear that over and over again.

“ Gosh, I love you, Jude.”

Soon she was taken out of ICU. She got to leave the hospital a week later. Cardan stuck true to his words, he took care of her until she could do things on her own.

Cardan and her talked about that misunderstanding a little more in depth, and Jude felt terrible but Cardan told her not to worry we all make mistakes. He was just glad to have her back in his safe arms.

_____________________

Tag list:

@ummmcutie @aelin-queen-of-terrasen @afexiss @roseygirl25 @mi-mavencalories @spideygirlstuff @deargreenbriar @b00kworm @thequeenofeveything @munchycow @aesthetics-11 @booksrmee @akaloto @hauntedfreakdeputyhero @hurema @dorkzrul @curlyredqueen06 @tanaquilpriscilla

Let me know if you want to be added or taken off of the tag list.

#jurdan fanfic #jurdan #tfota #tfota fanfic #the queen of nothing #the wicked king #the cruel prince #the folk of the air #cardan x jude #jude x cardan #cardan greenbriar #jude duarte #abigail writes

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takara-kaneko · 4 years

Text

Fluffweek Day 2: Nightmare

To Continue with our Sevian fluff, @deijnar and I present you with our next story, only slightly late for Day 2 of @mmfluffweek

Without further ado, I hope you enjoy it!

Sevian Day 2: the Princess’ Problem

A scream dies in my throat as I startle up from my bed. On my neck there’s a cold layer of sweat, my breathing is ragged and my hands are shaking. To no surprise, I find my cheeks being wet as I touch them.

But the dream, the nightmare, that has shaken me so greatly, is escaping me. Not that I want to remember the pictures that made me cry in my sleep but it feels… kind of worse to not know. Like I am missing something important, like I have to know, like I should know…

I feel terrible. My skin is tingling in an unpleasant way, I am freezing and sweating at the same time. Before I can really think about it, I grab my phone and type a message.

WizardPrincess, 02:47

Are you still up by any chance?

SpaceKnight, 02:47

The Defender of Justice always hears the cries of those in need of him!

WizardPrincess, 02:48

That’s good because I really need you…

SpaceKnight, 02:48

What’s wrong? How can I help?

WizardPrincess, 02:50

Ah, actually I’m not sure, I just had a really bad nightmare I think and I just… really wanted to talk to you, is all ^^;; what is the Defender of Justice doing at this time of night?

SpaceKnight, 02:51

Do you want me to call you?

WizardPrincess, 02:52

That… would be wonderful but I don’t want to stop you from doing whatever you’re up to.

Incoming call…

SpaceKnight

The littlest hint of a smile appears on my face as my phone starts ringing in my hand immediately. “Hey there…”

Hearing his voice already calms down my frantically beating heart. “Hey, cutie. My godly senses tell me that my Wizard Princess had a nightmare tonight.”

A very short, weak chuckle escapes my lips as I slowly lay back down. “As always, your godly senses are perfectly right.”

There are some rummaging and rustling in the background but I only concentrate on his voice and try to calm down my breathing. At least my hands aren’t shaking anymore.

“Just hold on a little bit longer and your knight will be there.”

My eyes widen and I sit up straight again. “What? No! I’m sure you’re doing something important, you really don’t need to drive all the way over here just for this! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you…”

The answer is immediate and it causes my heart to skip a beat. “There’s nothing more important than making sure you’re okay, Viv.”

So much for getting it to beat calmly again…

I need a moment to let his words sink in before I take a deep breath and smile. “Okay. Drive safely.”

“My dear madame, the Defender of Justice always drives with the utmost safety.” The stern tone of his voice makes me laugh and I stifle it with my hand. As always, I decide to play along with his funny and, admittedly very cute, antics.

“But of course, how could I have forgotten this universally-known fact? Hopefully, you can forgive my sloppiness.” I’m so much into the act that I actually do a little bow despite the fact that he can’t see it.

“You are forgiven this time because you are in a compromised condition. It’s not the duty of a princess to know all of her humble servant’s qualities.” Although he is still talking in a playful manner to try to cheer me up, there is a deep, underlying softness in his voice that fills my chest with warmth and makes me feel a bit dizzy. And maybe that dizziness causes me to say something I normally wouldn’t dare to say out loud.

“But you’re not only my favorite servant, you’re my overall favorite person. I want to remember all the little, random facts about you!”

After realizing what I’ve just said, my eyes widen and I purse my lips. For a split second, I consider hanging up, feeling my cheeks heating up like crazy. But if I did, I wouldn’t be able to listen to him anymore… So I’ll just have to bear this awkwardness I’ve just caused.

The soft laugh that echoes through the speaker is more than enough to make it worth living through any kind of awkwardness as it speeds my heartbeat up again in the best possible way.

“Then tell me, what is it you want to know about your loyal knight, my princess?”

As I realize that this is a true chance to get to know something special about him, I take a moment to come up with a good question. So, first, I have to buy some time for myself. “Hmm, let’s start with something easy. When is your birthday and how old are you?” I should probably know these things but it’s 3 a.m. and I really can’t remember right now...

“It was the bright morning of June 11th when I was born. My mother was a simple milkmaid back in the 8th century, but she knew from that moment, I would be a knight.” His voice is giving away how much he dives into his own story and it causes the smile on my lips to grow. Texting him was obviously the best choice I could have possibly made. “Of course, it’s been over a century since then… So, to keep my identity hidden, I just claim to be 21.” Weirdly enough, the mysterious tone of his voice truly makes this silly story kind of intriguing. “But because you ask, I shall tell you the truth. My true age is 1,320! I look surprisingly young, wouldn’t you agree?”

To stay in character, I gasp dramatically. “1,320?? You truly don’t look your age! I can only imagine how many people you have saved in all those years!” As I say this, I make sure to separate the real information from his jokes in my head. I really want to remember this…

“I could tell you about the duke I heroically rescued. But none of my tasks so far have been nearly as important as the one to keep you safe.”

This statement makes me close my eyes and causes me to place a hand over my mouth to not let out the squeal that is trying to let him know how flustered and unique his words make me feel. It’s probably stupid but… I guess I just want to know.

“Have you ever protected a princess like me before?”

As soon as I’ve asked the question, I feel dumb for doing so. Even if he said yes… What exactly would that mean? And what do I expect to gain from this knowledge? Would I seem even more stupid if I took the question back…?

The longer the silence on the other end goes on, despite it being just a few seconds, the more nervous I get. “I’ve never gotten to protect a princess before. You’re my first, my lady.”

My breath hitches in my throat and once again, my cheeks heat up as my heart hammers against my chest. The butterflies in my stomach dance with each other and whirl around, causing an excited tingling in me that I have never felt before. This feeling is exactly like I’ve read so many times in my novels before.

“I’m really glad it was you who first found out I’m a princess so you’re also the first and only one to be my knight.” Hopefully, he can even understand what I’m saying, my voice is barely more than a whisper anymore.

According to the sigh of relief that reaches my ear, he did. “And I’m glad I found you too.” I take in a sharp breath, hoping he overhears it due to the dull noise in the background. “By the way, you want to let me in?”

Prompted by the soft knock on the door that accompanies his question, I jump out of bed so quickly that the room around me starts to spin for a short moment. Impatiently, I hurry to the door and end the call, eager to be able to not only hear his soothing, lighthearted voice but also see his sparkling eyes.

Without a second of hesitation, I tear open the door. But as soon as my eyes lock with his, I freeze in place. There’s nothing I want more at this moment than to wrap my arms around him but… would that be weird?

When his gaze lands on me, he lowers his phone from his ear. “I said I’d always be here for you, Vivian.” And as if these words weren’t enough to fulfill my dearest wish, he also takes the one step forward that is needed to close the distance between us and he embraces me in the most heartfelt, tight hug I have ever had.

Unable to put the simply inexplicable feeling that is surging through me at this moment into words that would even slightly do it justice, I lean into his touch and hide my face in his neck, holding him as close as possible. “Thank you.”

“And if the magical powers of this hug aren’t enough, I also brought you some mochi.” Maybe the light kiss he places on the top of my head would have caused my brain to stop working entirely only hours ago but right now it fills me with nothing but happiness and I fully relish in the sensation of his lips against my skin.

“I doubt I need anything but you right here to feel fine but the mochi is still greatly appreciated.” With a chuckle, I reluctantly let go of him. “Come in, I can’t leave my knight standing in the hallway!”

His chuckle makes me feel even more at peace. “I’ll follow wherever you want me to go. And we can share the mochi!!”

With a grin on my face, I motion for him to step inside. “In that case, I want you to follow me to the living room so we can share the mochi and the couch!”

We enter the room together and he prepares the couch for us, placing and fluffing up the pillows to create a perfect, comfortable nest while I bring my fluffiest blanket. By the time we are seated on the couch, I’ve calmed down completely and my eyes keep falling shut. Too sleepy to be shy about it, I snuggle against him and lean my head against his shoulder as he puts his arm around me. But before I drift off to sleep, I still get to take a little bite of the mochi he offers to me.

“This is really sweet…” I mumble with a content smile, my eyes closing as I wrap my arms around him too.

***

I stroke her hair until she falls back asleep. And while I never have had much good luck, I wish with all the power in me, that her dreams this time around will be pleasant.

Maybe it's because it is so late, or maybe because she's so warm and soothing, sleeping next to me; but I feel comfort that I never have before.

With my eyelids getting heavy, I stop to look at Vivian. Her small body is resting comfortably. It's impossible for me to feel anything but at ease with her, apparently, even in her sleep.

Careful not to stir her, I place my hand over my lips, catching the kiss I want to give her. And with trembling fingers, I gingerly place my hand-caught kiss to her lips. Gliding my hand to stroke her cheek, a sudden wave of exhaustion falls over me.

My eyes fall shut and my mind is being lulled to the rhythmic sounds of her breathing. Maybe sleep like this would be better for both of us.

#mysme #mystic messenger #mystic messenger fanfiction #707 #mysme fanfiction #mystic messenger fanfic #mysme fanfic #mystic messenger 707 #mm 707 #mysme fluff #mmfluffweek2020

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brooklynislandgirl · 3 years

Note

📼 Favorite movie romance? // 💐 Do you think sending flowers is an appropriate gesture? Why, or why not, and if so, when? // 👎 What trait is a deal breaker in a potential partner? // 🌍 What’s your ideal romantic getaway destination?

Love, Love me do... || Accepting

Beth knows that Vivian is doing her level best to be engaging. Making occasional eye-contact, talking to her about things that in the past the other woman had trouble getting her to shut up about. And a part of Beth feels that she owes her friend and mentor nothing but her truths, because it didn’t seem so long ago that Vivian had answered her questions with the same honesty and patience, no matter how awkward the topics were. She’d opened Beth’s eyes to things she’d never really known about, had helped her become the woman she had been until a couple of months ago.

But it’s so hard. She doesn’t want to talk. Doesn’t want her friend seeing her like this, in a white tee-shirt and grey sweat pants, a grey hoodie doing a poor job at hiding the physical changes in her. Where once she’d been sparrow-boned and delicate looking, even Beth doesn’t recognise her gaunt features, almost literal skin and bones. Dull, brittle haired and hollow-eyed {at least the crying had stopped} Beth has literally become a ghost in her own body.

A thing made more stark by the carefully constructed features of the Day Room. Faux leather couches in a bland shade of mauve. Real flowers that only look plastic. Fortunately, the rest of the inmates patients are out back, being carefully observed at the pool lest anyone take it upon themselves to drown.

She picks at a loose thread in the cuff of one sleeve.

📼 Favorite movie romance?

She can’t bring herself to mention the Princess Bride. “Mebbe...Doctah Zhivago. Li’dat one wi’ Omar Shariff. Or...Like Waddah for Chock’lat. But you mebbe prolly prefer some kine like.. Portrait of a Fine Lady, Blue is da Warmest Colour or Da Duke of Burgundy which is about dis entomologist studyin’ about butterflies wit’ dis lady but dey also explorin’ a dom/sub relationship.” She shrugs. “I don’ sleep much any more, an’ dey don’ lock up da remote for da television if you watch it on mute but wi’ subtitles.”

~*~

💐 Do you think sending flowers is an appropriate gesture? Why, or why not, and if so, when?

When Andy stopped coming to see her, he started to send flowers. She started to decline them and instead asked for them to be taken to local hospitals for coma patients and people who didn’t have many visitors. No one else, especially not him, bothered. Beth’s expression remains neutral, blank, but her eyes drift toward one of the windows.

“When ya cut a flower, it begins to die but da waddah an’ plant nutrient or salt added to it keeps it from realising dis. So it continue to bloom in full colour as its life slips away an’ it start to fade at da edges, den shrivel to nothingness.”

She lifts the bottle of water in her lap ~plastic, of course, big named, expensive and murderous to the environment~ and takes a sip of it. “I t’ink sendin’ flowers is cruel. But if ya determine t’ do it...send someone a livin’ plant in good soil, an’ instruction on how f’ care about it.”

~*~

�� What trait is a deal breaker in a potential partner?

Beth goes quiet again. Sinks down into the chair and draws all of her limbs together protectively, trying to make herself as small as possible. She wants to be someone else, somewhere else but she can’t quite make a connection in her mind as it floods and flashes familiar things. Lighthouses and grey-skinned skates, crabs that become endless tracks of virgin timbre. A loon on a misty lake with it’s mournful song echoing softly. Eventually there’s just nothing but blurred colour, and she’s still just herself.

If she says nothing at all, Viv will think she didn’t hear her and repeat the question or she’ll leave. And then Beth will feel new guilt gnawing on her gut and she doesn’t want that. But she also has no answer for the question. There’s no potential to be had.

Beth has finally learned the hardest lesson of all, the one that life has been trying to teach her since as far back as she could remember. That she is a broken, terrible, ugly thing and is undeserving of anything as beautiful and perfect as love. There was a reason her mother hadn’t been allowed to name her.

“Anyt’ing. Everyt’ing. I dunno.”

~*~

🌍 What’s your ideal romantic getaway destination?

“Went to da Maldives, one time. It was beautiful. Reminded me ‘a home. Ocean far as da eye could see. Warm fragrant breeze. Gorgeous sea-sparkle, nactiluca scintillians. Large one-celled dinoflagellates, which mean science don’ know if dey plant or animal but dey no have chlorophyll, so. Yeah. But...I guess... I’m gonna say... Alaska.”

#Mahalo!Zen <333 #Hauloke|Vivian Harrison #Sunshine and Snark|Viv and Beth #Agents of SHIELD|subverse #mental health tw #bi-polar depression tw #negative self image tw #agentharrisonofshield

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alchemist-shizun · 5 years

Text

5 times Logan saved the day + 1 in which ... well that could’ve gone worse!

General taglist: @whizzie72 @sapphire-knight @burningpersonflapsuitcase @softanxiouspatton @royallyanxious

Word Count: 2,716

Characters: Logan, Roman, Deceit, Virgil, Remus and Patton

Pairing(s): Logicality

Warning(s): Misgendering, crying, implied aphobia

Summary: People could say Logan was excellent at saving people in extremis. When it came to him in particular, though … what could he say. He gay panicked.

A/N: Am I not just great at summaries? I had yet to do one of this type of fics so here goes nothing. I also took the opportunity to expand the lgbtq+ rep I have in my writings, hope you don't mind! Idea originated from this post, then @pistachio-lan inspired me so yeah thank you bud you're cool. Pardon me if some scenes are too short and other much longer I can't control my creative flow anymore-- I hope you all enjoy!

1- In which Logan saves Roman's day

Entering class with the widest smile any human muscle could ever bear, Roman practically bounced towards his seat.

A group of students immediately surrounded him, few were the times where one expressed such profound happiness first thing in the morning.

Logan eyed him from his desk right next to Roman's.

People started gathering and asking what was up with him, pushing the boy, who couldn't stop smiling, to confess the reason of such joy.

« I just had the most wonderful time last night. »

Multiple voices overlapped at that, with classmates asking for details, clarifications … who it was.

Only that, Roman had forgotten for a moment that literally none of them knew the only person he could have had a date with was a boy.

That was Logan's cue to act.

« You guys are aware we had to do a quick research for today, right? »

A chaos of “what?” and similar shocked expressions ensued, driving the attention away from Roman.

« The teacher said he was going to ask what we found out about the most recent discovery on Mars. »

« Oh, you've got to be kidding me. » that one kid that, for some reason, was always ahead of the program, hit their head against the backpack they had laid on the surface of the desk. « I literally spent the whole afternoon yesterday looking stuff up and I left it all at home! »

The situation could only worsen, people frantically ran around the room with some friends, competing at who found information first.

The hint of an amused smile crossed Logan's lips.

« You just made that up. » he heard Roman go, who had noticed his behavior.

« Isn't it lovely to watch the whole class go wild with dismay? »

Roman snorted and absorbed their classmates' despair. « You're a mean one, Lo. » he kept looking ahead of himself. « But thank you. »

Neither of their smiles faltered.

2. In which Logan rescues Deceit from a probably very uncomfortable explanation.

Nights out with friends often meant the weirdest stuff was about to happen. The one time they had started to jokingly call one of their group “Deceit” was definitely one of their top moments.

But, especially, the most delirious ones happened when they threw ridiculous YouTube videos or vines in the lot.

« Look at this. » Logan and Deceit leaned on the table towards their two friends. It was an extract from a song Bo Burnham had released years prior.

And, well, when certain comments come to you naturally … there's no way to stop yourself before the deed is done.

« Oh, that's me. » Deceit had said. Or, actually, Deceit had said right upon hearing the lyric “half-boy”.

Promptly forgetting for a single instant his other two friends had no clue of him being a demi-boy.

Not even the hint of a single trait of confusion could paint their friends' faces when Logan intervened.

« I've actually seen one of his shows in person in the past. »

« Oh my goodness, you have? » wide eyes stared at him with deep interest.

As the three engaged a conversation on the comedy skills of the man, Deceit was able to steady his heartbeat and take some deep breaths to release the anxiety that had taken over his chest.

He caught Logan's eyes when the waiter had arrived with their orders; he raised a hand and pressed his fingers to his chin, then moved them slightly outward in Logan's direction.

Thank you.

Logan gave a small nod and, just like that, everything went back to the regular outing.

3- In which Logan is Virgil's coolest cousin.

To say Virgil despised having guests over for the night was an understatement. He was obliged to tidy up his generally messy but comfortable room when all he ever wanted was to sleep for eternity as soon as he touched his pillow.

And, of course, there was always something out of place that his little cousin pointed out. Not that he had allowed her to follow him when he had excused himself upstairs.

He heard Logan's voice echo « Miranda! » around the steps.

The door to Virgil's room opened and Miranda was already jumping on his bed.

« Viv! Your bed sheets are so fluffy! »

Virgil forced himself to smile. “She doesn't know.” he repeated in his mind. “It's just a nickname.”

« Miranda, didn't you hear your parents telling you to stay down? » Logan's reprimanding tone made the kid giggle.

« Maybe. » the two older cousins shared a playful eye roll.

« Come on. » Logan held his hand out towards her.

« But I want to stay in her room to see what she does! »

She doesn't know.

« Have you ever heard of privacy? »

« Nope. » Miranda laughed.

Then she noticed something and her eyes grew with curiosity.

« What's that? »

Virgil's eys followed her gaze and fell upon his binder. Of course, out of all things, she had to notice that.

He went to open his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. What could he make up this time? Whatever he told her, she would have wanted to try it on at all costs.

Were he to say the truth, though ... she'd have probably gone to their relatives talking about how he had a weird piece of clothing and that could only end badly.

« Oh, that must be part of your future cosplay? »

Virgil snapped his head back up only to be met with Logan's quick wink.

Keep it up.

« Oh, yeah. I have to sew some things on. »

Miranda gasped in amazement and clapped her hands together. « Can I try it? »

Damn.

« I'm afraid you should have your cousin's exact size. If not, that particular material would be damaged in the ending result. » did he keep lying only to protect him?

The kid whined but dropped the disappointment right away. « What's the name of the character? »

« Virgil. »

« Who is he? »

« Well, just ... » Virgil narrowed his eyes, looking for the best explanation. « Just a boy. »

« Why him? » Miranda was in that brilliant age where everything needed to be questioned.

Logan checked with a side glance to see if his cousin needed assistance. Instead, he found him smiling to himself.

« It makes me happy. »

The little girl seemed pleased enough with that answer. « Then can I cosplay with you one day? Carnival is near! »

« Of course, I can make whichever costume you prefer. »

She squealed in joy and threw her arms around him, squeezing him tightly.

Then, she started running off towards the stairs. And she said it.

« Thank you, Virgil! » giggling was heard, but, apart from that, complete nothingness.

Until Virgil dropped on the edge of the bed with his hands covering his face, a slight tremble could be seen shaking his body.

Logan was immediately by his side, offering one of his rare hugs that Virgil gladly accepted.

It felt so nice. Achieving a goal prematurely but ultimately feeling the satisfaction melt away with the knowledge that he was never going to experience that ever again.

What an utopic illusion.

« It's fine. You're okay. » Logan tried, as his cousin's body shook with every sob he failed to repress.

« I'm sorry. »

« Don't be. »

Virgil let go of him as he started wiping his cheeks clear of fresh tears of fear and frustration.

When he looked at the other again, there was a hint of a smile dancing on his lips. « You're the best cousin. »

Logan returned it. « Always glad to be of help. »

4- In which Logan prevents Remus from carving his eyes out out of annoyance.

The blissful rest lunch-break gave after hours of mostly a quiet balance between interest and boredom was the most important reward as noon approached.

That wasn't exactly the case all the time.

Logan and Remus were sitting with two of their classmates who just so happened to have lab afterwards with both of them.

It wasn't like the they were particularly irritating people, on the contrary they radiated a calm energy most of the times.

That one day, though. It seemed something had happened in one of their lives and they needed all the time in the world to get every single detail out. They involved every one of them in the conversation and everything would have been fine if they had stopped at simply asking opinions on the matter.

« C'mon Remus, how about you? »

« What? »

« You never talk about this stuff. » one of the two leaned forward. « Spill the beans. There has to be someone you like. »

Remus smiled falsely. Oh, he was so done. They had gone the last fifteen minutes trying to get out of him information that he didn't have.

« Of course! You if you stuffed your mouth with trash bags and finally stopped talking. »

« Aw, stop being weird and evading the question. »

Logan eyed the one who had just spoken.

« I am not, I just don't care. » Also, since I'm aromantic, I'd really appreciate if you stopped before I prohibit your breathing.

« Everybody gets crushes! »

And I'm about to crush your face.

Remus's hands started fidgeting out of stress under the table, which Logan noticed.

He was about to snap.

« I do. »

The two lab partners' eyes widened and focused on Logan all at once.

« You what now? »

Remus's face was painted with a confused expression: he knew his friend would never open up about himself to acquaintances, let alone about his feelings.

It was what happened after that made him understand.

The other two completely concentrated their attention on Logan, started asking questions about the boy he had been referring to, trying to guess who his crush was almost as if it was a game or anything of their business.

It … did feel kind of sad.

As Remus was able to catch his glance for a sole moment, he wore the “you didn't have to do that” expression.

All he saw was Logan shrugging in a “it doesn't matter” way and carrying on with subjecting himself to the pain of their classmates.

He made a mental note to remind him how grateful he was for that funky little nerd's existence.

5- In which Logan is the Patton protector.

Having friends living nearby school sometimes meant hang out invitations. Also, it often times meant free food which was everything that was good in the whole planet.

Logan had internally beamed as Patton had come back to the living room asking him to stay for dinner, while he had pretended not to hear a faint “Would you like to stay forever?” coming from his little sister.

He had tried not to agree right on the spot, but it was difficult to hesitate when being asked to spend even more time than intended with one of his favorite people.

That was how the two of them were now sitting with Patton's lovable family, discussing unimportant things and just all around enjoying their time.

Logan loved being around them, it was a delightful break from the coldness in his own home, he could get along with all the components just fine.

There was a television behind Patton's parents; they hadn't been exactly listening to the news, but it seemed a broadcast about the recent Pride parade in town was being held.

« Oh look! » Patton pointed to the screen with a toothy smile as a pan flag flashed across the TV.

He froze while his parents' expression grew perplexed the more they paid attention to the news.

« You really need to get rid of this habit you have of getting excited when you see dogs. » Logan started, adjusting his glasses as Patton and his parents turned to him.

« Why? » Patton's confused tone was half-real.

« You almost startled me simply because there was a dog on television. »

That was when he understood. « It was an adorable husky, Logan! »

Laughter started to fill the room and the previous disorientation was soon forgotten.

As his guest stood up to get more food, Patton heard a whisper being stealthily delivered to his ear.

« Be careful. »

He couldn't help but smile to himself. Logan was always on the lookout for others and it was a quality that almost came natural to him.

And he needed to thank him for that properly.

6- In which Logan forgets to stop himself.

An echo of “thank you”s rained down on Logan yet again as he and Patton stepped out on the garden of Patton's home.

This time, though, there was none to prevent him from potentially ruining his relationship with his interlocutor. And, ultimately, even everyone else around him.

As his cousin was used to believe the worst outcomes to happen, it did actually affect him at times. But, in that moment, he had gone completely blank and forgot to steady his impulse control.

« I'd do anything for you. » was what aimed fire.

He had meant to only think that.

Yet, he didn't find heartbreak and misery.

Instead, he watched as Patton's expression softened even more. Patton got a few steps closer, so that only Logan could hear his murmur.

« I feel the same. »

Logan's eyebrows arched slightly. Happiness quickly gave way to a clenching feeling in his chest.

« No, wait. » he responded, looking down and then back up. « I don't think that's a good idea. »

Patton's eyes narrowed for a moment. « For me to like you? » that was absurd and maybe his tone was a bit hurt.

Why would he say something like that?

« Lo, you're a wonderful person, and- »

« No- I mean, it's not that. » Logan gesticulated, trying to find the best explanation without actually telling anything.

« Logan, you know whatever you'll tell me, all the good things I think of you won't change. »

The boy took a deep breath, some of the weight relieved already.

« I am asexual. » he looked away immediately. « And I know plenty of people despise that and say it's not real, so if you don't- »

« I think that's wonderful. » when Logan met Patton's gaze, he found one of those smiles Patton only dedicated to him. « And I don't see why I shouldn't like that about you, too. »

A smile slipped on Logan's face, the dreadful feeling leaving space for relief. « Now you're just making it too difficult with your unconditional love. »

Patton let out a quiet snicker. « Well then, » his tone grew bolder. « We could talk this over dinner sometimes soon if you'd like? » he had clapped his hands together, looking up at Logan with a twinkle of hope in his eyes.

« That was too sly for me to refuse. »

« As if you weren't happy I just asked you out! »

All Logan could do was, of course, groan at how flustered that line made him. « I'll concede that to you. »

As the time to part drew nearer, Patton took two steps back, thoughtful.

« Are you okay with hugs right now? »

Despite having told his friends years prior of how he had never fancied physical touch that much, he was always grateful whenever they posed that question.

« I am. »

« Alright. » Patton stepped closer again and wrapped his arms around Logan's neck, who returned the hug rather quickly as he heard a quiet “thank you” being whispered to his ear.

Then, the shorter boy stepped away, but kept his hands on Logan's shoulders.

« You're my hero. »

With that, Patton was gone.

And Logan was left astonished in the middle of a summer's night.

#logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #logicality #fanfiction #sanders sides #read the warnings #purp's writings

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weaselbeaselpants · 5 years

Text

Hazbin Hotel Review part 2: Mistakes were made please don’t kill me

This pilot is polarizing at the moment. In between the two sides of the anti-fanbase (ppl crying “if you like HH you’re homophobic”, or the BWW with it’s cringey politics), you have lots of fans who are falling over themselves about how good this is. If you love Hazbin unconditionally that’s fine, but here’s the thing:

I like it too.

I’m the kind of person who’s naturally critical, pokes harmless fun at what I like, and is always rewriting and reimagining things within the fandoms I like. I want to be a ‘Hazbin’ fan but I don’t know if I’m allowed to since the fanbase can be so staunchly overprotective and Viv herself has said she doesn’t like criticism, no matter how valid or done in good faith.

Tbh, that’s why the drama revolving around @frootrollup1 upsets me: the fandom is fine with lumping all criticism or redesign stuff in the realm of ignorant hate, when redesign, rewrites, revamps and other fan dribble are kind of a labor of love onto itself in other fandoms. Guess that’s a talk for later though.

With all this in mind, let me go over my thoughts:

There’s no PROPER establishment of Hell as a place, setting, world, or proper establishment of the characters.

The armor-piercing question Hazbin needs to be asked is this:

“is this a generic version of Hell we should all be familiar with and need no introduction to, OR is this a unique take that requires it’s own rules?”

^ It feels like the latter but we don’t get a good rundown of said rules. Besides that, characters are one note and serve either no purpose or become flies on the wall to other characters’ purpose.

Things were said and places were shown but we honestly don’t get a good idea of Hell by the end of the pilot. It’s a ritzy(?) place where souls of the damned literally become demons and then get purged. I THINK. I THINK, that’s what the writer’s were going for here. TBH, it feels like they’re skipping ahead and thinking of the show as a finished, fully realized product with developed characters and plots already, and not an introduction to a series/standalone piece.

If I didn’t have some inkling or the lore prior to watching it, I wouldn’t have known that the demons sans-Charlie were once human. Angel says in passing in the car that he’s already dead, but really references to the fact that they were once human are rare.

Now I’m a simple woman - I ain’t picky with mah demonology - But, call me crazy, when I think Hell I don’t think of the people who end up there turning into demons, I think of people going there to be tortured. That’s the hell I’m used to seeing and is prevelant in like every religion that has a hell. Taking a spin on that and making demons the souls of sinners trapped in hell? A-okay, but I NEED MORE. Instead of talking in a car or spending time on this lolsofuny demon turf war, we really needed more time given to the fact that Vaggie, Angel, and others were once human. No, I don’t want a full flashback, but it would give us a better grasp of the mechanics of sin in this world if these two characters told a little bit more themselves than just having some lines offhandedly explaining how everything works.

EX- How to do revamp of a familiar setting right while still leaving certain details vague? One Word: Hadestown.

Hadestown doesn’t need to give you all the details of it’s setting cause that’s not the point. You don’t need to know if the workers of Hadestown are literally dead, metaphorically dead, or both or where other gods live. Those aren’t the things we need to know for the musical to progress. What we need to know is Hades’ underworld is a mining colony of doom, that Hades buys peoples souls so the workers can never leave, that Persephone and Hades are on the rocks which is messing up the seasons, and that oop! Eurydice had to go back. Between the commonplace to complex knowledge westerners have of Greek mythology and the revamped Prohibition-era setting, all is explained that we the audience need explained.

I have the feeling Hazbin Hotel wanted the same thing: explain what needs to be explained for the currant plot and leave bits and pieces in the dark. It just didn’t really work.

The flow of the narrative was bad.

So apparently on the PizzaPartyPodcast Vivziepop admitted there were things that were moved around or turned out rushed.

Fair enough but even with that excuse can someone please tell me why they thought it was a good idea to start the story after Angel has already been made a patron of the hotel?

Getting to know not only how the world works first and foremost, but who our main character (Charlie) is and what she is doing (the hotel), would be the easiest way to drop us into the action of the story and get the ball rolling. But instead we start off with an intro song that sort of shows us what this world is like but doesn’t explain anything about who or what we’re seeing until the newscasters come in. Angel’s introduced in this time and the build up and execution of this character is poor, rushed, and feels more like writers fudging around with a character they like than giving us, the audience, a proper introduction*.

After that, I’m sorry to say the spots where the story picks up, drifts off, lulls about, or comes around all kind of melt into this big slurry the characters are drowning in, without any real care for telling a story. BUT THIS IS A STORY!!!

This is not a little menagerie of random characters ala the Pastoral Symphony from Fantasia. This is not a collection of little things just for the fun of it to get to to know these people (it does a bad job at getting you to know these guys). This is a three act structure. I can tell where the intro, rising action, climax, and falling action are SUPPOSED to be, but they don’t stand out, don’t do their job, and melt into the fluff in a way that makes the emotional impact we’re supposed to feel null somehow...

The pacing was bad.

While some scenes go by far too quickly others go on for faaaaaaar too long. These are the bits that don’t surprise me when I hear this pilot was changed around, cut down, or fudged with a bit.

Scenes like this include Charlie’s back and forth with Katie Killjoy before and after her song, Charlie and Vaggie’s fight in the car, Alastor explaining himself to Charlie and Vaggie trying to talk him out of it, ALL of the Ser Pentious/Cherry Bomb terf fight bits.

Oddly, it feels like these parts are trying REALLY hard to get a point across but they end up being more of a hindrance to this otherwise snappy dialogue and supposedly simple set up. This pilot is 20+ minutes, but the bits we need to endear ourselves to our main cast are squandered on what the writers thought was “fun to write” at the time.

Too many characters, even in a 20 minute pilot.

Instead of getting a good idea of our leads, everyone is treated with the same level of importance or interest in a world that hasn’t even been fully introduced yet.

The truly important supporting characters to Charlie, Vaggie, Angel, and Alastor are Husk, Katie, and Nifty. Katie provides conflict to the first half of Charlie’s story, while Husk and Nifty are hires by Alastor for the hotel; they establish his power over other demons and his influence on the hotel and it’s success. Sir Pentious and Cherry Bomb needed to be cameos. Their characters should be glorified plot contrivances/resolutions, No More. I ain’t gonna care about a cast of billions from the start. We gotta start small first. Not only do we have four mains, we also have a bunch of little guys who need to eat up screen time...except they absolutely don’t need to and should be simple background cameos for now.

Sir Pentious and Cherry Bomb get as much character time as the four mains even though Angel is underdeveloped and Alastor is overdeveloped. When it comes to storytelling - unconventional or otherwise - priorities, is what this pilot needs.

Angel basically does nothing after Alastor is introduced.

Of all the characters in Hazbin to get left in the dust (lol) and be underdeveloped, Angel Dust would be my last guess. He’s popular with his creator and with the fandom but because of how the pilot is set up, his character falls to the back-burners and is kind of unnecessary: (Charlie uses him as an experiment to see if she can reform a sinner but he doesn’t hold up, so when Alastor comes into play the focus of Charlie’s plan switches almost entirely to Alastor and Angel is unneeded). If this were two episodes of a series; one about Charlie getting to know and trying to “fix” Angel, and another about Alastor coming in and taking over, that’d be fine. But this is a pilot so the plot and character development is kinda crushed in and neither Angel nor his existence amounts to much of anything.

I honestly forgot Angel was even in the latter half of the pilot. The poor demon-spider whore dies on the way to his home planet.

Not to fan-blurb here but I think it’d be more interesting if the conflict in the latter half wasn’t Vaggie trying to warn Charlie away from Alastor but Angel feeling shown up by Alastor and him being the one protesting to Alastor’s take-over of the hotel. It would have given Angel more to do and would cement him as one of our four leads.

Alastor gets a backstory because he is A) not the character I thought they were going for, or B), they’re jumping the gun on him. Alastor is a maddening character in my book because if he’s the character I thought he was supposed to be - our main villain - then they royally messed up a good villain by explaining his story. If he ISN’T the main villain, than color me confused on what he’s supposed to be.

It goes without saying that a good villain should remain somewhat mysterious throughout the rising action, which is what the pilot is building up to (I think?). Alastor’s personality makes him an absolutely wonderful villain and probably the most outwardly “demon”-like of anyone in Hell. Him being a rogue demon that scares the inhabitants of Hell should be alluded to, not stated.

Vaggie and Angel get passing “we dead” bg but our villain gets a backstory dumped on him? For the standalone pilot this episode is, his backstory doesn’t do anything for the plot. For the rest of the series, this feels like a big waste to reveal this guy’s history over anyone else. The rest of the HH cast are sorta small stereotypes and cliches that the writers want to endear to us because of what they do and what they go through, though since there’s too many of them they end up just being there. Alastor, on the other hand, is where they hit gold and really have a character who oozes personality and the feel of their show...but they kind of taint him by giving him an unneeded (at this point) history.

Big problem with him not only being explained but him outright stating his intentions with the hotel.

Maybe I’m wrong and Alastor is not the bigbadvillain in a cast of villains...in which case I don’t know what the pilot wants us to think of him or where the show’s going with him. Is he a demonic version of Harold Hill who learns to care about ppl and gets redeemed? Maybe that will change with future episodes....

Hazbin is confusing as a person not privy to the franchise/development prior ,and feels disappointing from the pov of someone getting hyped for these characters. As a follower of the project it feels like a let down to the respective characters and plots we’ve been anticipating. While, as newcomer, it’s hard to care about anyone. My sister, who had far less info on the pilot than me, was watching it the whole time going “who are you?” and by the end said “why should I care?” Really good summary from this IMDB review here:

Little harsh but my thoughts exactly.

TL;DR: The writers need to really rethink how to introduce their world to newcomers AND fans alike. -

There’s so much passion in Hazbin Hotel but I feel it’s misaimed and a prime example of why “write/draw what you like and what sounds ‘fun’!!!!” isn’t a good idea for storytelling.

There’s technically a story in Hazbin Hotel, but because of the bad pacing and lackluster approach to world and character development, for the kind of project that it is, it’s not very good.

Again, for the people in the back: if you think I’m a bully because I happen to be harsh with my criticism, sorry but harsh critique isn’t the same thing as bad faith criticism (CinemaSins, NC, Bad Webcomics Wiki) and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t lump me in with those turds because I don’t love every second of this. I may not be the best writer, but storytelling is my passion and I think this dropped the ball. IT DOESN’T MEAN I HATE IT. - Alternatively, if you love Hazbin unconditionally or disagree with me on these things: great! Like what you like as long as everything’s safe, which it is. Stuff is problematic but hey so is everything look at the stuff I like. Also, if you’re one of those people who unironically says “if you like HH than I’m blocking you teehee unfollow me”, you fittingly have a very special seat in hell set up for you. Don’t threaten my friends cause you don’t like something they like. =)

#hazbin hotel critique #vivziepop #hazbin hotel

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fallout4treasures · 5 years

Text

What’s Worth Fighting For - Ch 1

“Then why are you going?” Ellie asked, standing and following me as I headed towards the door.

“I need his help. And he’s not doing anyone any good gone.”

“You must be pretty desperate. It’s not often Nick can’t save himself.”

“As a matter of fact, I am.”

Wayfaring Stranger - Johnny Cash

You’re looking for a man. He can help you. But he ain’t gonna be the man you expect. I’m ashamed to say my fear and rage was leading me back then. Giving an old lady chems seemed so small compared to what I was looking for. Her visions were all I had to go on, and nothing was more important than finding Shaun. I’ve tried to make myself regret it, to let the guilt weigh on me, but I can’t. It led me to the truth. More importantly, it led me to Nick.

I always thought this story started in the Vault. With the death of my old self, and everything I knew. Watching my world, along with the people in it, disappear in a blink of an eye had sparked enough vengeance in me to fuel a war. It should have been enough to be the main plot. Not that it was small, but I guess I’m a sucker for a nice guy with a broken soul. Either way, it turns out this story actually starts at the ballpark. But you should know before you start, in case you hadn't picked up on it already, this was never supposed to be a love story.

The crash of glass filled my ears, pulling me from my deep sleep and sending me sitting straight up. I grabbed my gun from the nightstand and had it readied on the door, taking short and shallow breaths as my brain caught up to my actions. My heart thumped in my ears, with sweat already building at my brow. The shatter was followed by boisterous yelling coated in accents too thick and angry for me to decipher through the wall, but from what I could tell it was only the innkeeper brothers quarrelling.

The air I was holding in my lungs released as did the tension in myself. I let the firearm lay in my lap as I held my face in my hands, counting the seconds as my breathing brought my pulse back down to a regular rate.

I was still grateful the shock woke me. The images from my nightmares were quickly blurring together to the point that they were unrecognizable. If I had to experience them while I slept, at least I couldn’t remember them when I woke up.

My shoulders refused to relax as I rolled out of bed. In fact, my whole body ached from my journey the night before. I should have taken the nearly day’s walk from Sanctuary to Boston more seriously. But it wasn’t the first time I did something stupidly impulsive for the sake of the mission. Certainly wouldn’t be the last.

Ready to leave the musty smell of my rented room behind me, I hoisted my leather armor over my shoulders and fumbled with the buckles as my sweaty fingers continued to tremble. It must have taken me five full minutes to get everything strapped on. And once it was I started to sweat even more, the leather feeling as if it was constricting around me.

Everything about this world, and the anxieties it stirred in me, felt so foreign. It had only been a handful of days since I had unfroze, yet it felt like I had lived weeks in this wasteland already. Time had its own mind here, with every moment full of either danger or needed rest. There was no telling how it would move next.

My days used to start so slow and sweet. Usually with Nate’s warm voice telling me that Shaun was crying. He’d bring him in from the nursery and we’d snuggle around him in bed. Just staring as our son babbled and cooed at us. Listening to the radio, sipping at the coffee on the nightstand. The sun would start to rise and we’d get up with it.

I wish I had wanted it more then. I wish we had begged the sun to stay low just a bit longer. To keep the moment stretched on, and our son beside us. Even if just for a little while. Safe, warm, perfect.

The bittersweet memories stung my chest, causing tears to well up. I quickly pushed them out of my head, but was still left a tired, jittery mess. Unfortunately, this was my morning routine. Battling the visions mixed from the past, present, and my nightmares. At this point, it seemed only one thing could calm my nerves.

“Ah, Viv! Our newest patron. You finally woke up.” The bartender bellowed out with a laugh the moment he saw me dragging myself from the hall of rooms to the bar.

“Good morning, Vadim.” I offered him half a smile as my arms fell to the counter.

“I am sorry about the fighting. My brother and I don’t always see eye to eye… Eh, are you okay? You're as white as a sheet.”

“I’m fine.” I waved him off before pressing my eyes into my palms. “Just looking for something strong.”

“No problem, what’s your drink?”

“Bourbon.” With a stiff nod he grabbed the shot glass from underneath the bar and the liquor with it. The quiet splash of brown liquid made crave the drink even more. I snatched it from its surface and threw it back without bothering to taste it. My face twisted as it burned the whole way down, but the warmth quickly took over and calmed my nerves. “Thanks.” I pulled out the small bunch of caps I had in my front pocket and counted out the payment, plus a couple extra for him.

“Will you be back tonight?” Vadim asked, pocketing the caps.

“Depends on how my day goes.” I gave him a short wave before leaving the grimey, makeshift inn.

The Diamond City I was walking through that morning was much different than the night before. It reminded me of the last ball game we went to. It was right before Shaun was born and Nate surprised me with tickets right behind home plate. Not too far from where I was standing actually, just two hundred years earlier. Who knew a baseball field was big enough for a whole city? If you could call it a city. Smashing a few dozen or so metal shacks inside a ballpark wouldn’t have fit my qualifications before we went under. But so far this was the closest thing I had seen that felt like home. The houses and businesses formed a bull’s eye around the stadium with the Power Noodles bar dotting the center. The Dugout Inn where I was staying was tucked away in an alley towards the city gates and to start exploring I ventured back toward where I had started last night.

“Read all about it! Institute replaces people with machines! Are you next?” A young girl with short, wriley, dark hair announced from her podium. “Hey lady!" Her short arms wildly waved me over, her long skirt flouncing a bit around her pants as she bounced. "You're new, right? All newcomers get their first issue free." She extended the flyer out to me.

"How could you tell?"

"My sister told me to look out for a doe eyed misfit.”

“I am not doe eyed.” I huffed, taking the flyer. I made a face at the girl as she smirked at me. “I’m guessing you’re Piper’s little sister?”

“Most people call me Nat.”

"Most people call me Viv…” I let my eyes fall to the paper, wandering the article aimlessly. It started to catch my attention when a name stuck out to me. “What's the Institute?” I asked her.

“You don’t know about the Institute? Oh, man... ” She rolled her eyes at me. I narrowed mine in return at her. “They snatch people up and replace you with robots." She sighed.

“Do people disappear a lot?”

“How would I know? They look just like us.” She retorted with an eyeroll. I let out a breath, trying to keep my patience.

“You’re a smart kid. I’m sure you know someone who does know.” She pondered this for a moment before shrugging her shoulders.

“I guess, you’d have to ask the detective, Mr. Valentine. He’s the only one to go to if someone’s gone missing."

“Oh yeah? Where’s he at?”

“Probably his office. It’s down that alley. There’s a sign at the end that shows the way.”

“Hey, thanks kid.”

“Remember what I said about the Institute! You can’t trust anyone.” She called after me as I walked. I waved goodbye and heard Nat muttering under her breath as I walked away. “Give her ten days… max.” I couldn’t help but laugh at this. She gave me three more days than I had given myself.

I followed her directions to the agency, quickly finding the glowing detective sign pointing me to the covered alleyway. Even in the daylight the pink neon ‘Valentine Detective Agency’ sign seemed like it was the only thing lighting the way. A heart shot by an arrow glowed behind the lettering with another arrow pointing towards the dark and narrow corridor leading towards the entrance. Passing the light, I couldn’t help but hear the fortune teller’s words in my mind.

You find that heart that's gonna lead you to your boy. Oh, it's... it's bright. So bright against the dark alleys it walks. Maybe feeding that crazy old lady drugs was worth it after all. I should have written everything she said down, I thought to myself.

The metal door creaked open, and I was sure I would have alerted anyone inside. It was a simple box-y metal and concrete office, but was filled completely with files, papers, and other miscellaneous items that I could only guess were clues to cases. Off to the right, behind me, was a short hall that led to what I assumed were living quarters. Despite the cold look it gave, the agency felt warm and inviting. Across the room young lady in a flowy dress and dark jacket was rifling through files, completely oblivious to me intruding.

“The bills… Oh, forget the bills.” She sighed, mournfully muttering to herself. I decided to make my presence known, and finished walking inside, closing the door with a light slam. I figured I would have startled her but she kept her back towards me, continuing away with her work.

“Hello?” I finally spoke up.

“We're closed.” She told me over her shoulder. My eyebrows knitted together in frustration.

"I don't want to be rude but is Mr. Valentine here? It’s important."

"I’m sorry, the detective's gone." My heart felt like it missed a beat. I couldn’t have gone all this way to be led to a dead end.

"Gone? Gone where?" I asked. She turned to face me, her dress flouncing around her legs. "He was working a case. Skinny Malone's gang kidnapped a young woman and he tracked them down to an old subway station. I told him that it didn't feel right. But he just smiled and walked out like he always does… always did.” As sad as she sounded I couldn’t help but let out a silent sigh of relief. As long as he was alive he could help me find Shaun. It was just a matter of getting to him.

“Couldn’t he still come back?”

“He’s gotten himself into trouble before, but he’s never been gone this long. I never thought the day would actually come where he didn’t come back.”

“No one’s tried to get him?” I asked.

“Who do you send to find the man who finds everyone else?” She walked over to the desk in front of me and sat down in the armchair. Her face was fallen with defeat. I let out a long sigh, realizing I was about to make another stupid, and possibly fatal, decision.

“What’s your name?” I asked her, pulling the bag off my back. I dug around, counting my ammo boxes. After a quick stop at the gun stand in the market I would be set.

“Ellie.” She dried her tears, quickly composing herself.

“Where did you say he went, Ellie?”

“Park Street Station, it’s an old pre-war ruin. Skinny and his gang took it over.”

“Okay, great. I actually remember where that is.” I flung the bag back on my shoulder.

“You’re not actually going after him.”

“Do you have a better idea?”

“No, you just... you don’t strike me as the fighting type.”

“I’m not really.”

“Then why are you going?” Ellie asked, standing and following me as I headed towards the door.

“I need his help. And he’s not doing anyone any good gone.”

“You must be pretty desperate. It’s not often Nick can’t save himself.”

“As a matter of fact, I am.”

My legs were on fire by the time I had reached the Boston common. I had been able to get away with only running across some ghouls and a few rogue raiders before reaching this point, but I was still high on my guard.

Plywood signs along the metal fencing warned me not to wander inside the common’s park. Lucky for me, the hub was just on the edge and no where near the center. The buzz of anxiety kept me on my toes as I made one last mad dash for the station’s doors. The pops and cracks of battle echoed in the distance before they were muted by the heavy metal door shutting behind me. I would usually find this comforting, but there was plenty of danger waiting for me deeper underground.

The temperature fell as I descended down the broken escalator. I could hear talking coming from the next room. I hid behind the doorway, listening in and trying to get an idea of what I was dealing with.

“He’s weak, I’m tellin’ ya. That detective comes snooping around, and what does he do? Just keeps him locked up. He don’t even got the balls to ice some nobody.”

“Keep that shit to yourself. His new girl hears ya and she’ll start swinging that bat of hers until we don’t have no face left.” I could hear them walking and talking through the nearly empty lobby. A few more were lingering around. I didn’t think I would be able to shoot it out. I figured it was time to improvise.

I pulled my pack around to rifle through the junk I had collected until I found a ragged stuffed bunny that I had found in Concord. It was hardly big enough, but it would work. I pulled the seam that ran down its back apart and tossed the stuffing onto the aged tile until it’s torso was hollow. The empty cavity ended up being the perfect bed for a grenade. There was barely enough room to cover the explosive with some of the fluff to seal it in with only the pin being visible. I gave myself a nod of satisfaction. It would do.

I grabbed a couple of caps from my pocket and took a short peak around the corner to get a look. Most of the men were dressed in sharp suits, and some even completed the ensemble with a worn fedora. Most of them carried guns longer than my arm, and probably a lot more experience than I did.

The first cap was grasped in my hand, ready to fly. The metal clanged against the tile. I patiently listened as footsteps approached it. Another toss and the other cap rattle nearby the other.

“H-hey, check this out! Caps keep falling from the ceiling.” One of them called to the others. I was relieved to hear the other footsteps lumber over to the commotion.

“What the hell are you talking about?” My heart raced as they babbled on. My fingers sweated over the circle pin, waiting for the right moment to pull.

“They keep dropping down! Two of them! Look!”

“You’re hitting the chems too hard, bud.” A different voice chimed in.

“I haven’t even had that much! I’m serious!” The grenade clicked after losing its pin. One last good toss and I heard the soft thud of the toy. I covered my ears and braced myself behind the wall.

“What the-” BOOM!

It felt like minutes before I moved. I waited and waited for some sort of response or movement but nothing came. Slowly I stood and entered the now destroyed terminal. The air was heavy with the smell of blood and explosives. Like some sort of crude firework. There wasn’t much that could be recognized, other than the occasional burned cap. I figured it would still spend as I went around collecting them. I came upon the blue scrap of the bunny’s ear, left charred and frayed as I finished up.

“Thanks for your sacrifice, little buddy.” I gave it a small solute before moving deeper into the station.

I wasn’t nearly as lucky down by the tracks. I had to carefully sidestep a few mines as I made my way down. I stopped once the open area became visible. There were around a dozen or so triggermen. I had to be fast, precise, and alert. All things I did not feel confident in. My desperation had led me this far, though. Who’s to say it would fail me now?

I pulled out my pistol, checking the ammo before aiming directly at the back of their head. My finger trembled over the trigger, unable to let go of the fact that this would be the first gunfight that was initiated by me. I gave myself a moment to focus, taking slow breaths to balance my hand. Finally, I pulled the trigger. The first man flopped to the floor with the bang of my gun. Before someone had time to react I quickly aimed at the next one. My arm cuff was grazed as the other mobsters started to react. I ducked my head down as a swarm of bullets flew towards me. A break in the assault let me grab another glimpse of the tracks, and another head shot. It went on like that for awhile until the room finally fell quiet. The air held an unsettling feeling, keeping me frozen in my spot. I shut my eyes and waited for a noise. After several seconds there was a soft shuffle and footsteps. Just one set, but I could hear him closing in on me. He was creeping closer to the wall that protected me. I counted to three, held my breath, and popped up from behind the barrier. Before he could lift up his own gun my bullet flew through his chest.

I tried not to count the bodies as I passed them. I wasn’t close to ready to start processing the amount of damage I had caused. I followed the tracks, and was pleasantly surprised with the lack of security. I was able to stroll through the tunnels, their echoing silence bringing me some peace. Until I reached the last stop anyhow. I could see the tunnels had collapsed on the other side of the room. I slowed my pace and peaked around the tunnel opening. The coast seemed clear enough so I decided to continue on. I thought I was moving silently as I tried to sneak onto the platform.

“Hey! There’s someone here!” I heard a man call out from behind a pillar.

“Shit.” I muttered to myself.

“She’s here for the detective! Don’t let her-” With the pop of my gun I silenced the first goon, and the other dropped shortly after as he stumbled after him.

After a couple more skirmishes I found myself in an unfinished part of the station. Dirt and rock made up the floors, walls, and ceilings. The room was cluttered with boxes and construction equipment. As I ventured in a vault entrance came into view, sitting high on the wall with metal stairs leading up to it.

“A vault. Of course, he ended up in a vault.” Grumbling to myself I hooked my pip boy up to the panel, and pushed the button to open the door. The yellow lights circled as the vault hissed and groaned. The large gear shaped door sunk deeper into the earth before rolling off to the side. The metal bridge stretched out to meet the platform I was on. The familiar hollow step of my boot against the steel echoed as made my first steps in. It opened up to a small room, filled with storage containers. Off to the left was a small hallway, leading deeper inside the vault.

“Who the hell keeps opening the damn vault? Can’t hear myself think.” Someone called from the hall. “Skinny? Darla? S’that you?” The moment he came into view I fired. He cried out and with a limp arm he still attempted to aim his gun at me. Another shot and he was on the ground.

“Are you all this stupid?” I asked his body as I stepped over it.

The further I went into the vault the more the rooms started to blur together. I lost track of how many levels I had gone down, and of how many triggerman I had to put down. I was already desperate to get out of that stupid maze.

The last door opened to the second floor of the atrium. Below tables were sprawled out like a cafeteria. On the other side of the room, on the third level, a balcony overlooked the hall with a large circle window showing the office behind it. Yet another gangster stood in front of it, looking and talking to someone through the glass.

“How ya doin’, Valentine? Ya hungry, wanna snack?” He teased his prisoner. I let out a quiet sigh of relief. I found him. At least I could say I got this far. I could hardly hear the murmur behind the glass, but the words became more clear as I lurked closer to the stairs leading to the upper floor.

“...gives Malone more time to figure out how he’s going to bump you off.” The detective’s voice finally became clear as I reached the stairs, taking each step slowly enough to keep my boots from rattling against the metal.

“Don’t give me that crap. You don’t know nothing.”

“Oh really? I saw him write your name in that black book of his. Mumbling something about a ‘no-good, lousy, card shark’. Then he struck it off three times.”

“Three times? That’s not funny.” The guard itched around where he stood, obviously troubled by what the other man was saying. Once on the higher platform I hid before the doorway leading to the balcony.

“Gotta guilty conscious, Dino?”

“Shit… I gotta fix this, fast!” Dino was in such a rush that he blew right passed me squatting in the corner without noticing me. Another shot rang out through the atrium, as did the thud of his body.

“What was that? Who’s there?” The detective called out once the echo finished. I followed the voice to the window, only seeing a shadowy figure inside the office. “It’s not going to take long for them to realize he’s not coming back. Get that door open.” He gestured towards the terminal at the end of the balcony. It all seemed to happen so fast then, so meaningless. Even with Mama Murphy’s visions I had no idea I would be walking into a moment that had been written into fate a long time before then.

The door opened and I strolled inside the dark office, ready to grab him and bolt. The glow of his yellow eyes pierced through my thoughts, leaving all of my previous thoughts behind.

“Gotta love the irony of the reverse damsel-in-distress scenario.” He commented. With a flick of his metal wrist he fired up a match to light the cigarette hanging from his mouth. The flame that was brought to his face gave the first glimpse of the exposed framing beneath his cheek. “Question is, why did our heroine risk life and limb for an old private eye?” His voice struck a chord in me, somewhere that I thought was dead.

“Would you rather stay here?” I asked. He raised an eyebrow at me. Taking a drag of his cigarette he stepped forward into the light, giving me a better look at him. His synthetic grey skin had definitely been through plenty through his years in the Commonwealth. Despite his experience even his subtle smile felt warm to me.

“No, but you’ll have to forgive me if I’m wary of walking into another trap.” He retorted. I conceited with a nod.

“I need your help. But, I’m a lot better at explaining when I’m not in an old vault surrounded by blood-lusted mobsters.”

“Fair enough.” He pulled his pistol from his holster and readied it. “Well, what’s your name?”

“Viv.”

“Just Viv?”

“Vivian-...” I hesitated, suddenly unsure if surnames were even used anymore. Judging by his inquisitive stare he was waiting to hear mine. “Becker.”

“Great, I’m Nick… Valentine.” His lips curled into a cheeky smile behind his cigarette. “I’m actually able to say I’m pleased to meet you. Although, I probably would have been pleased with anyone who rescued me from this place.”

“I’m flattered.”

“You should be. Not many people would have been able to get to me. I’ve been stuck

down here for weeks. Turns out the kidnapped girl I was trying to rescue wasn’t kidnapped at all. She’s Skinny’s new flame, and she’s got a mean streak.” He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

I let him lead us back out into the atrium. He seemed to know his way, and I was done figuring this maze out. I was happy to mindlessly follow after days of strategically planned movements.

I never imagined how much easier getting through a small army of mobsters would be with a partner. We blew through rooms as if we had trained together before. I could almost let my guard down. Even so, the vault went on for ages. We would think we were close, only to find another staircase leading up closer to the surface. Finally, after what felt like dozens of goons and staircases we finally made it to the final locked door.

“Do you think he’s in there?” I asked him as he went to work the terminal that held the door shut. “He could have run off.”

“No, he’s there. I can hear his fat footsteps from here” Nick murmured as he typed away. I was fascinated with the way his fingers moved, specifically the exposed metal ones, moved. Fluidly, and with intention, despite the fact that they were controlled by a computer themselves. “I’m not really sure where Skinny’s temper is these days. Stay alert in there.” He broke me from my thoughts. My heart thunked in my chest so loud I could feel the ripple in my entire body, the beat hammering in my ears. It was moments like these that I completely forgot why I was there. I wasn’t a soldier, that was my husband’s job.

“Ready?” He asked, cocking his gun.

“Ready.” I lied.

The door opened with a hiss. The next room’s light only illuminated Nick’s captors and what was left of their crew.

“Nicky, what do you think you’re doing?” A portly man in a sharp, black tuxedo called from inside the room.“You just come in to my home and start killing my guys? How could you do this to me?” Next to him a tiny porcelain doll of a woman with a shimmering, cool colored, dress wielded a baseball bat. They both watched with a smirk as the remaining triggerman aimed their weapons at us when we approached.

“You should tell that dame of yours to write home more often. I wouldn’t be here if her parents weren’t looking for her.” Nick said. I could see the detective nervously eyeing the room after he spoke. We were surrounded, and I was suddenly very aware of the large amount of sweat I was producing.

“What’s the matter, Valentine? Ashamed you got beat up by a girl? That why you needed your lady friend to come save you?” The woman cackled, her bright red lips stretching across her face. Her nearly flawless features should have stunned me, but I couldn’t get over the crazed look in her eyes. Even when she wasn’t looking at me I could feel her stare. “I told you, we should have just killed him! Now he’s sent this one to rub us all out.” She hissed. “Darla, I’m handling this!” Skinny scolded. She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, tucking the bat into the crook of her elbow.

“Sure, you’re handling it. Look how that turned out. You got all sentimental. All that stupid crap about the ‘old times’.”

“Darla, please!”

There’s… an echo. I found Mama Murphy’s words rolling around in my head again. I tried to push them away, staying on alert, but they forced their way in. Something in the past that can help you. When you meet the fat man and the angry woman… It finally clicked with me. I couldn’t believe that drug addicted, old, broad really wasn’t crazy.

“W-wait!” I was only half-expecting anyone to hear me, but as I spoke everyone’s eyes turned to me at once. My heart kicked into a new level of overdrive that I didn’t even think was possible. “Skinny… remember- remember the Quarry, a-and Lilly June on the rocks.” I couldn’t even hear myself speak. Everyone, including Nick, just stared in silence. Did I screw it up? Did I even say anything? Was I already dead?

“What?” The mob boss finally spoke, dumbfounded as his arms, and his weapon, dropped to his side.

“Um… remember the-”

“Shut up, I heard you.” He stopped me with a wave of his fat hand. His brow furrowed in thought, scratching at his face as the two brain cells he had bickered back and forth inside his head. Nick shot a look at me, silently asking what the hell I was thinking. I gave him a short shrug, not letting my eyes leave Skinny’s hands. The second they even twitch towards his gun and I would be ready. “Alright. Alright, fine. I’m going to give you ‘til the count of ten. After that then the old days are dead, and I see your faces again then you will be too.”

“Skinny, what are you doing? Kill them!” Darla shrilled, stomping her feet around like a spoiled child.

“No, Darla. Skinny Malone is putting his foot down. They get one chance to leave.” Darla’s face twisted with disgust. Her wooden bat clamored on the tile as she tossed it aside.

“My mother was right. You mobsters are all talk.” Without missing a beat, she turned on her heel and started walking into the shadows behind them.

“Babe, where you goin’?”

“Home. I don’t need you and your fat ass weighing me down anymore.” She called behind her shoulder as she sauntered out the back. The boss watched with his jaw left open, his head following her until she disappeared. He whipped around to face us, his eyes wide with pain and frustration.

“ONE.” Skinny growled through clenched teeth. His sausage fingers gripping his gun as he aimed it at us.

“Time to go.” Nick grabbed my hand and pulled me passed the small crowd to the back.

“TWO.” Once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could see how the far side of the room was cluttered with totes and boxes. It led to a wide hallway that led us further away from the scene but you could still hear the mobster’s voice booming behind us.

“THREE… FOUR… FIVE.” I could tell the boss was getting impatient as he sped up the countdown. “SIX.”

“This way, there’s a tunnel. It’s how I got in.” Sure enough, almost tucked away in the corner, was a ladder heading straight for the surface.

“SEVEN.” The stomps of boots started to approach as we clamored up the metal rods. At the top was a stone sewer cap. I struggled to push it open, hooking my leg around the ladder for balance as I used my whole upper body to shove the thing open.

“EIGHT.” Fresh air cascaded from above as the cap moved aside. I crawled out from the sewer hole and simply rolled aside so the detective could follow.

‘NINE.” I heard the last of Skinny Malone’s voice as Nick sealed the cap once again.

“Jeez, you’d think an old-school mobster who just got his heart stomped on would be more forgiving.” I chortled, staring up at the night’s sky. Nick gave a surprised chuckle. I could feel his eyes on me but it was easy to tune it out this time. Laying on the asphalt I let the crisp breeze relieve my body of its sticky sweat. I focused on my breathing, the rise and fall of my stomach. I was actually alive. “That was quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”

“Saving me?” I nodded, and he laughed again. “You mind telling me why you did? Or who you are?”

“I told you who I am.”

“Oh, c’mon.” I couldn’t help but giggle again at his frustration. I finally sat up, leaning back onto the palms of my hands.

“I went to your agency and your secretary said you were missing. You weren’t around to save yourself so I told her I would.”

“Okay, but why?” I curled my legs in to sit criss-cross, struggling to find the right words.

“I need your help… I’m looking for someone.” I picked at the skin around my finger nails, but kept eye contact with him as I spoke. He extended his metal hand out to help me up.

“Well, I’d say you’ve earned the right to tell your story.” Once I was back on my feet I brushed some of the dirt of pebbles off of my hands and jeans. “Let’s head back to my office. You can get a chance to unload your mind.” He said it like it was a good thing. The idea of voluntarily remembering what happened sent a spike of anxiety through my whole body. We had a decent walk back though. Plenty of time to think of ways to put it off.

It turns out Nick was an excellent travelling companion. Usually I enjoyed the still silence but listening to his stories of ‘the old days’ was both intriguing and hilarious. He talked about the cat and mouse chase that ensued between him and his old friend, Skinny Malone. There was something familiar about listening to him. Somehow it felt like a little window to before the blast. Even though he was recalling memories that had only happened some years before then, it felt like he was talking about the streets of Boston as it was two-hundred years ago.

The strangest mixture of dread and relief washed over me once we made it back to Diamond City. I almost got myself killed trying to get to this point, and yet part of me wished it had killed me. It sounded better than reliving what happened.

The town was silent under the midnight stars, so different from how I had left it. The occasional guard popping out from the shadows to patrol the market. Walking through, we would grab their attention but I noticed once they saw Nick they weren’t bothered with us anymore.

Back at the agency, the detective stepped in tentatively, I’m sure not to startle his secretary who was most likely sleeping.

“El, you here?”

“Nick?” I watched him smile as there was a sudden shuffle of footsteps from the private quarters. He silently invited me in, shutting the door behind us. Ellie came running in from the hall, her eyes obviously sleepless. “Oh my god, you’re alive. You’re actually here.”

“Try not to be too disappointed.” Nick said with a smirk. She ran over and embraced him, and he accepted it warmly. He gave her head a fond pat after breaking their hug. I noticed the tiny tears that had formed in her eyes. She wiped them away before they had the chance to fall. Suddenly her face turned into a scowl as she crossly set her hands on her hips.

“I told you it was a trap. You could have died.”

“A trap would mean they knew I was coming. They just got a lucky shot.” They bickered like that for awhile. In the meantime I let my bag fall off my back and onto the ground. I plopped onto a nearby chair, that had definitely seen better days. It was still a relief for the throbbing soles of my feet.

At first I tried to follow their conversation, but my brain would start to phase the sound away and replace it with emptiness. A quiet nothing feeling embraced me, where the only thing that was being processed was the sight of the robot moving from one paper stack to the next.

At some point Ellie stopped and pulled me from my trance to thank me and I believe I responded politely. She disappeared to bed some time after that, but I didn’t notice. I was back in my disassociation, my eyes only tracking the little movement in the room.

The flow of Nick’s patched trench coat. A scratch on the back of his neck. I wasn’t sure if I was even awake anymore. It was oddly satisfying, like meditating specifically on the moment.

“You’re staring.” The detective’s voice rang in my head before I realized he was actually speaking to me. He had sat down at the desk in front of me, and pulled a screwdriver from one of the drawers. “Have you ever met a synth before?” He asked as he started fiddling with some of the screws in his exposed hand.

"Oh, uh… no, but that’s not- uh…” I attempted to rub the sand out of my eyes but it was useless. I dropped my hands into my lap and sighed as I looked back at him. “Sorry. I'm just tired. I should head over to the Dugout and let you settle in. We can meet up in the morning." When I rose from the chair it felt as if I had spent all day there. Every joint in my body ached, begging for a proper rest.

"You could. Or you could use my bed tonight if you want." His statement actually woke me a bit from my state.

"You want me to sleep in your bed?" I raised an eyebrow at him.

"You don't have to. I don’t sleep so it’s not like I use it. I figured it would save you a few caps, and I thought I'd offer since you saved my life and all." I gave a soft laugh. The idea of walking just a few steps to a bed, as opposed to across the diamond, did sound appealing to me.

"You don't even know me. I could be some sort of con artist."

"I'll have to keep a close eye on you then, won't I?"

His bed, bedroom area, was up on a loft above Ellie’s. I climbed up the ladder quietly as she slept. My leather armor was shed to the floor, along with my blue flannel overshirt and heavy brown boots. I crawled onto the mattress and curled up happily under the light blanket. I don’t even remember closing my eyes. My mind just drifted back into the peaceful blackness.

#fallout 4 #fanfiction #fanfic #fallout #fallout4 #falloutfic #falloutfiction #fo4 #fo #fo4fiction #fo4fic #nick valentine #nickvalentine #oc #original character #sole #solesurvivor #WWFF

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mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune · 3 years

Text

I Can NOT Believe This Youtuber....

okay I’m on the Xbox One, and I was playing a video game.

but then after saving, I decided to take a break.

and check out the Xbox One’s Youtube.

(which I am still wondering if the computer’s Youtube, has that setting where you can hide inappropriate stuff.)

anyway guess what I find...?

Helluva Boss Episode 4, BUT someone a certain Youtuber....

had uploaded it, not a clip, but the FULL episode.

that episode with the other episodes and pilot,

should only be on it’s Home Channel.

that is a property of Vivziepop.

the Youtuber who did such a thing, has about 226 subscribers.

the time they had uploaded March 23, 2021.

and by the looks of it, they did it to Episode 5 of Helluva Boss too.

on May 1, 2021.

even if I tell them what they are doing is wrong,

and there is somethings you can and can’t do with clips of Youtube Original Series made by it’s creators.

there is a possibility they wont listen.

and their actions, will cause someone to think the original episodes

came from them, if they didn’t check out the link below,

which is lucky in view and isn’t in the hidden where you will have to press “show more” button.

in the description part, in the copy of episode 4,

they tell those who are viewing

they wrote “Made By Viviziepop go sub to him or her“

and in the copy of episode 5,

they wrote "Made By Vivziepop go sub to him"

Youtube really REALLY needs to do better,

I’m not sure if [REDACTED] knows that there can be bad side effects to that.

I don’t have to worry about Camp Camp, Red Vs Blue, RWBY or Death Battle

too much, yeah they are still on Youtube, but at least they are safe on the official Rooster Teeth Site.

which is here --> https://roosterteeth.com/

and they should not call her “Him”

so unless that is her gender identity and she goes by the him/he pronouns,

they should either call her she/her or the neutral pronouns that is for everyone.

it’s not just what that person did, which I just found out today.

but EVERY Youtuber, who does the same thing that they are doing,

I don’t even think they even got permission,

which even if they asked, I don’t believe they would of been given the okay to do so.

there is some stuff you can do on Youtube, and some stuff you can’t.

I think if possible, maybe they can be reason with.

yes there is a chance they might say that nothing is wrong with what they are doing, but sorry to say that isn’t so.

like I said, some people will still do false reports and might not bother to read below.

if they end up seeing [REDACTED]’s copy of the episodes on their channel,

without even bothering to read the bottom of where the video came from.

and they end up seeing the episodes from their home channel,

they might do a false report.

and I am NOT letting that happen again to another person.

sure the Undertale amv is still up, but only the sub version

that the person who put the subs on there, but at least they got permission.

I did surprisingly found the original at another place, and I can only hope it was place by the original owner.

maybe nothing will happen for now,

but just in case, I believe that there needs to be a way to stop the many youtubers who keep doing that, and think they are not harming her and every other youtuber.

what some youtubers keep doing, by stealing other youtubers videos,

by placing a copy of the full videos on to their channels,

without permission, it can end up getting others mad.

at first I was going to write that episode stealing jerk on here,

but I rather not, so I edited the name out and put Redacted instead.

if I’m going to say who they are, then I will say this...

they are just like every youtuber who doesn’t do the fair use,

and just take a full copy of the episodes and then upload them on their channel.

and the one who did it, is from Canada.

at least not everyone from Canada is like that,

nor is the ones from here and the other places in the world.

I wonder if I might have distant cousins from Canada...?

maybe not but it is still possible I do and don’t know it,

there is a possibility I could have distant cousins from around the world, because of my different ancestors and heritages.

it isn’t just that youtuber that is the problem,

it’s every youtuber that keeps doing it.

I know there are others who feel the same way, and wish youtubers like them would stop.

yes Youtube still has some problems.

I would suggest Vimeo, but I'm not sure if that is for the best, yeah there does seem to have Helluva Boss episodes on the Vimeo.

but I don’t know if half of the people who had put them on Vimeo,

are part of the team that worked on Helluva Boss.

I wanted to try to check Vimeo, to see if Viv has a channel their,

and maybe see that as a alternative place to watch the episodes.

it doesn’t seem likely, which I guess is fine.

I’m still fine with watching the episodes and even other videos of theirs on youtube.

I’m not sure if I will watch stuff on Vimeo very much.

it kind of sucks that how this day was going so well,

until find another one of Those Youtubers, once again doing that...

and they better not touch the Arackniss Audio Series,

I’m will not be happy if AxelGear becomes another target for those jerks.

maybe I should just try to relax, and hope karma will deal with those jerks.

I think after I check out Xbox One’s Youtube,

I will watch Panty & Stocking, well maybe before that,

I could watch My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic, no wait maybe I will watch a movie first.

maybe Deadpool, yeah I think I will watch Deadpool first.

then later I will watch the Arackniss Audio Series from the beginning.

also now that I know from a confirmation sign (ain’t saying what sign.)

that my soul name is Small Lilith, maybe I can try to see if I can have it changed....even if the name Lilith is a normal name now a days.

it doesn’t really help that my spiritual heritage is both a Earth Angel

and Succubus, and I have to protect myself dream walking, by the use of the dream catcher I got now, which is bigger than dream catchers I had before I think.

of course when I did sleep with dream catchers when I was little,

it was for different reasons.

plus I sleep with gems under my pillow, some which are gems shaped like angels.

I don’t think I use to sleep with bracelets on,

at least not until I had that one dream where I was still sleeping but it was like being awake at the same time, and all I could see was dark,

I was laying on my back, and then I felt something that felt way too real

and as soon as it happen, it scared me awake.

I think it might of been a incubus.

it’s fine that no one believes that or thinks that I’m worrying over nothing

and it was just a scary dream and nothing more.

but no matter if it was just a scary dream and it just felt too real,

I want to play it safe.

if someone like me, were to accidentally dream walk into another person’s dream, it will be because of the sexual energy and it will put me or anyone else like me, into a trance.

which of course if it was like the normal type succubus,

they would be the one doing the placing a trance on the dreamer that they walk into the dream of.

but for the hybrid souls, they will be the ones place in the trance,

the only way to keep anything happening, is to be fully aware and then not get close to the dreamer that you accidentally walked into the dream of,

and then hope you end up back into your own dream.

at least I know now that the reason why I never truly figured out I was Aceflux,

was because of the sexual energy of others.

I kind of want to flip Matron Lilith and Lesser Lilith, the birdies....

I might not agree with what Adam did to Lilith,

and she would of end up being fully healed thanks to the Earth-Heavenly Mother, if it weren’t for what happen.

of course when the Goddess took a piece of Lilith’s soul,

of course it will have traces of “succubus” in it and possibly along with Lilith’s still human soul, and that soul was mixed with the angel soul that Lilith was having romantic relationship with, and it created a Earth Angel Baby.

my soul isn’t very old, surprisingly it hasn’t done that much reincarnating.

so lucky me I was never the ones who I thought I was in a past life.

I’m just fragmented from their soul.

anyway I have my reasons as to why I can’t help but think of wanting to flip those two Lilith’s off, I mean someone who wouldn’t normally do that,

might end up be doing it because of stuff like what jerk youtubers are doing to other youtubers.

I will understand that many will agree about well the whole how a human can end up being a mix of a Earth Angel and Succubus.

or that they have energy wings that can go into flame mode when upset,

or the wings hug around them when they are upset or nervous or any form of mad or sad emotion.

I’m still human, even though my species identity is Demi-Human.

yes biologically I’m human, and my bio-sex is female.

but my gender identity is binary & nonbinary, which is a bigender identity.

I think it might be possible that my Gyno-Agender identity,

might become Feminine-Nonbinary, but it might stay Gyno-Agender.

plus it might be stereotyping to assume that Heaven will just look like,

well the sky and clouds.

that can be just one version, the other being that it looks like earth,

with trees, flowers and who knows what else.

I mean not everyone has to agree about my new views about it,

and you can respect my different view, just don’t call it blasphemy.

also I want to make sure there is no misunderstandings,

plus I want to only talk about this kind of stuff, maybe only once in a while.

I also want to make sure there is no really bad misunderstandings

that can go past the limit of being understanding to end up hurting others.

most of the time whenever I do say something,

it gets taken the wrong way in the worse way, and I end up having my feelings hurt to the point of crying.

I want to make sure to be more careful and try to make it so that my words are not misunderstood in the wrong way.

misunderstandings can be okay, so long as they are small and things can still be worked out the right way.

also maybe I will wait to watch the stuff that I said I would watch,

I mean I can pick something else to watch later.

I still need to color that Bendy drawing and then post it here,

I would of did it yesterday but I wasn’t able to.

so I plan to color it today and then post it on here later.

I think it is best that I try to see about trying to get my soul name changed, maybe in a few months or next year.

but I guess for now I just have to put up with it.

I think I will watch Hotel Transylvania, I can’t wait until the Hotel Transylvania 4.

it be nice if I could find my own zing one day,

and well I’m fine right now, plus if I ever do find my own zing one day,

they will need to respect my personal space when I need it,

be nice to my baby, aka my cat.

they would also need to understand that I need to go to my bedroom half the time, to protect myself as it is my safe zone.

also they would need to understand my different view of romance,

that romance between two people who love each other,

don’t always have to be all kissing all the time or the snu-snu.

it can also just have them hanging out and playing video games and watching movies or reading comic books or any type of book really.

I think I should only try to find my “zing” when I feel ready to.

and I don’t think I am.

love takes time, even to a heart that has been broken before.

ya can’t force it.

so I’m fine with having crushes on real people and not doing anything about it,

or even having crushes on characters from shows or movies.

and well there is a reason why I use “redacted” for the youtuber that stole those episodes...

it might be a bit sensitive, something that concerns and worries me.

maybe I can explain another time about it, like why I had decided to edit out their Youtuber name before posting this up.

I can be sensitive I know, my most dominant expression now

is what you will see on Frisk from the Undertale game.

I do smile and feel happy too, but I rather not smile unless I feel like it.

like if I think of a really funny joke, which I had the other day.

I couldn’t help but laugh.

I think I will wait until much later or tonight to watch Hotel Transylvania and the other stuff I plan to watch.

I think I will watch Arackniss Episode 1 to the other episodes, I mostly watch them not signed into Youtube.

also I have to say if I had to pick

who I would trust more, either my older cousin (who is in jail now, and is most likely a prison-wife possibly.)

or Valentino and Vox....

I’m gonna go with the two Overlords.

as dangerous as they might be, I don’t think they would cross a very dangerous line that my much older cousin did that got them thrown in jail in the first place.

I’m making sure to pray every once in a while

to both God and Goddess that he stays there for life.

I still think it is possible if I was listen to, about what I remembered from my childhood, which might of been a warning dream,

and if it was then I need to try to find out which Angel gave me that warning dream, and make sure they do NOT do that kind of warning dream again,

if they are gonna do that, make sure just say it and not let it be a kiss that ends up traumatizing and causing bad feelings where the child doesn’t talk about it to their family.

it is possible when we get traumatize as children,

we will bury the memories deep in our minds

and we wont remember until years later.

my older cousin wasn’t even in jail yet or did the crime yet,

my trying to tell my concern about them, came first.

and then some time later when we no longer had to worry about him,

we find out he did something really bad.

I don’t think it was a coincidence.

I don’t even think I was truly safe with half of my family.

maybe some of them, but not all of them.

I was just too oblivious and too trusting.

I’m gonna write one more thing up, so I will just post this up first...

and I hope that that youtuber that I had just found out about today,

who is stealing Vivziepop’s stuff, gets stop for good, and others like them.

and if I feel like explaining why I decided to put their name in Redacted, I will.

but right now I can’t.

and I’m sure if there has been anyone who has been hurt past the breaking point before, they might do the same thing as me and try to be cautious.

#vivziepop #stop stealing from vivziepop #stop youtubers from stealing from each other #talking about feelings

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xxisxxisxxis · 4 years

Text

Gateway Drug | Part Seventy-Eight

Words: 3k

Warning(s): explicit language, violence, substance abuse

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"H-Hi." Deana tries to keep her composure upon the sight of Nikki freshly off-stage.

He looks more pale than he was before heading to play, his sweat cloaked body shaking slightly.

His mother, her dark hair curled and bright red lips tugging into a sappy smile as tears bubble in her eyes.

Even without probably knowing the whole story, Axl and the guys know Nikki doesn't have a relationship with his mom, and the nightmare about to take place has them slowly leaning against the wall of the hallway, quietly looking down, uncomfortable with getting caught in the middle of this.

"What are you doing here?" Nikki asks, confused, more than likely questioning if its a hallucination from mixing too many drugs or not.

"I made the arrangement." Doc states chipperly, stupidly thinking Nikki would be happy. "An early Christmas present." He adds.

"I wanted to see you," She tells her son, taking a few steps closer, "I wanted to see both of you...I've already missed out on so much." She explains, looking at me. "I-I know the timing is off, but I really wanted to talk to you."

"No, the timing isn't off--" I try to assure her.

"--Don't waste your breath, Viv, she's just gonna ask for money and then disappear for another ten years." Nikki scoffs, brushing past her.

"Frank--"

"--That's not my name." He snaps to her.

"It's the name on your birth certificate, Frankie. Frank Ferana. It might not be as glamorous as 'Nikki Sixx' but--"

"--It's Nikki. Legally. It's Sixx. Legally. It's her last name. Legally." He refers to me and she clenches her jaw. "And any kids I have are gonna have that last name. Legally. I'm not 'Frank', or 'Frankie', and I'm certainly not a fucking 'Ferana' so don't even start that shit."

"You're still my baby." She tells him, trying not to cry. "I came all this way to see you." She adds, wrapping her arms around him.

I see the glimmer of a little boy in his eyes, for a split second, then it's quickly pushed aside and replaced with that of an angry, abused, hurt, scorned, abandoned dog.

And he's going for the throat in a moment the second she says:

"Oh, my Frankie."

He's shoving her off of him so hard she nearly goes to the floor.

"That's not my fucking name!" He screams at her, throwing his bottle of Jack at the ground at her heeled-boot covered feet.

He's storming off, Doc following after him, and Fred takes a breath and goes to Deana, to politely usher her out.

"That's fucked." Izzy mumbles, shaking his head slightly, going to their dressing room and I walk behind them.

"Nikki--"

"--Who the fuck do you think you are?! Huh?! Who the hell are you to bring my personal life front and center for every God damn body to see?!"

"I didn't realize you and your mother weren't on good terms." Doc tells him, honestly.

"You think I'm this fucked up for the hell of it?! You think I'm this way after growing up with parents who gave a shit?! Really?!" Nikki laughs humorlessly.

"Nikki, I'm sorry, alright?"

"No, you're not, you don't give a shit and you never have, you're just another greedy fuck getting his rocks off from the money in my pocket but I'm done!" He yells, turning to walk away. "You don't know what's fucking best for me, you don't care about me, you don't care about the band, you're not my fucking father and you sure as shit aren't my manager anymore so just go get fucked, Doc, you're fucking fired!" He calls.

"You're not fired." I assure Doc, wanting to go after him, but not able to bring myself to.

He doesn't want to talk to me about it.

I am surprised to see Axl rub his forehead and roll his jaw before stalking past me, Nikki's way.

"Where you going?" I ask him.

"I fucking hate my mom." Is all he says as he goes by.

I didn't know what exact issue Axl had with his own mother, but I'd later find out it was because her horrible judgment in men and what abuse she'd allow him and his siblings to endure from those men, along with her forceful hand in religion that she and Axl's stepfather enforced brutally on their kids.

"Did Doc really not mean to set that up?" Steven asks me when I get into their dressing room.

"No, he didn't." I reply.

"Is Nikki gonna be okay?" Tansy asks quietly.

"I don't know, Tansy." I roll my eyes and she furrows her brows, slightly.

"Do you even care?" She asks me and I look at her.

"Tans--" Duff starts.

"--No, I mean, really, Vivian. Do you even care?" She cuts him off.

"Excuse me?" I ask, practically seeing the dullness in her eyes of a mixed-drug high.

Without a doubt coke and smack.

"Of course I care, Tansy. Just because he and I are separated doesn't mean I want him to suffer."

"Way to take one for the team by sleeping with Duff, then, because surely that is the one thing that has to be done to prevent Nikki's suffering." She states.

"What I do and who I do it with is my business, Tansy." I tell her, crossing my arms.

"Sure doesn't sound that way when everybody on the same floor as you can hear nothing but, 'ahh, ahh, Duff, ahh!'" She mimics moaning.

"Maybe I'm staying under Duff so much because if I don't, you'll take it as an open invitation, and there really are some people you don't have to try to sleep with mandatorily based on their wallet size, Tansy."

"Just like there are some people you don't have to sleep with based on whether or not they're gonna be big rockstars or not." She shoots back.

"Wanna be the pot or the kettle?" I ask.

"I want you to stop adding fuel to the fire and then acting like your hands are clean while smiting all of us." She outbursts.

"Smite you for adding to his problems? Offering him drugs when he's already going down hill? Letting him think screwing another woman is okay--not even screwing her, having an entire relationship with her." I correct myself.

"Given the circumstances of your marriage, he needed an escape." She says next.

"Given the circumstances of your new-found smack-induced courage, you act like you need my fist to knock your teeth out."

"Viv--"

"--Then you'll really be laying on your back to get work."

"But at least I do work. What do you do? Aside from spend Nikki's money and sleep with his friends?"

"I'm not killing him like you and Sparkie have been with your junkie bullshit." I manage to keep myself from having an outburst, more concerned with Nikki's crisis with his mom.

"Not yet, at least." She mumbles as I'm walking out.

"Where you guys going?" Tommy asks as we head to leave for the bus.

"Um… about to pack our stuff up and head out?" Izzy replies.

"No, no, no, just because Nikki's parade's been pissed on doesn't mean ours has to be." Tommy suggests to them.

"Yeah, c'mon it's our last night hangin' out for a while." Vince points out, two groupies already under each arm.

"I was gonna check on Sixx." Slash explains.

"I'm fine." Nikki shows up, his hands on Slash's shoulders, tightly in an aggravating manner, making Slash chuckle as he twists away from him.

Axl isn't far behind, he and Izzy looking at the invitation to hangout with the guys one last time on this tour, hesitantly.

"What the hell," Izzy shrugs.

"So glad you said that, man, because we have a special surprise." Nikki grins, beckoning them with his finger.

"Stevie, c'mon!" Duff exclaims from behind me, Steven exiting their dressing room with Tansy behind him.

"You good?" He asks Nikki.

"Yeah." Nikki assures him. "I have a present." He adds, leading the guys to the double doors of what I assume is a bigger room.

Sure enough, he opens the door, and at least ten girls are lined up, naked, asses up, thick lines of coke down their spines.

Nausea nestles it's way into my stomach, but Tommy, Vince and Nikki look as if this is their promised land.

Even Steven looks slightly off-put by the brazen display.

Complete disinterest cascades off of Duff, a heavy puff of cigarette smoke leaving his nostrils with the huff of his unamused breath.

"Who's first?" Nikki asks.

Naturally, the guys look to their "leader," and Axl reluctantly rolls his eyes and walks over to the first girl.

It's like he refuses to acknowledge she's naked, his main focus is the line of coke on her back.

He snorts one-eighth of the line before deciding that's enough.

I don't blame him--the way his fingers hold at the bridge of his nose makes me wince because I know it probably burns like a bitch.

"Boo!" Tommy disappointedly calls to Axl as he walks out.

He's had his party.

Izzy follows.

"More for us." Nikki shrugs, smirking.

He looks at me directly in the eyes, heavy black liner sharpening the contrast of his hazel eyes as he keeps my gaze, spitefully unbuckling his belt and he starts unlacing his pants, making his way to the girl Axl was at earlier.

He is not…

Duff's snatching me out of the room only milliseconds before Nikki enters the girl in sync with snorting the line up her skin.

That was that.

It's a bittersweet draw to an end, "thank you" and "damn, I'm gonna miss you" seeming to be on everyone's lips as hugs and high-fives go around between all the boys once we get back to L.A.

I rub my lips together and smile softly as I hand Fred my purse to put in the car, sighing softly, smiling when he looks down at me.

"See ya later, kid." He tells me and tears swell in my eyes as I wrap hug him tightly, taking him off guard a little. "Don't kill each other...not even over that dumb shit he pulled tonight." He says, referring to the groupie cocaine platter.

"I'll try." I mumble, wiping my eyes quickly before stepping up to say bye to the guys.

Steven and Slash are pretty easy, but Axl just stares at me for a moment before reluctantly wrapping his arms around me and hugging me tightly.

"I'm sorry I was an asshole this entire trip." He mumbles lowly in my ear.

"I'm sorry I almost got you kicked off." I reply in the same low tone.

"You're one of the reasons they took us in the first place." He states, pulling away to look at me, cupping my face in his hands, grinning. "You're gonna keep up my lie that we're siblings, right?" He asks and I chuckle.

"You guys are gonna make it big and I need a meal ticket so of course." I shrug and his smile grows wider. "I love you." I tell him.

"I love you, too." He assures me, kissing me on the cheek, giving me one last squeezing hug before heading to their bus.

Izzy looks at me for a moment.

"Izzy." I say to him.

"Viv." He acknowledges me and steps to the bus.

Just before Duff can tell me 'bye', arms are locking around my waist, and pulling me against the person they belong to.

"Izzy?" I ask after a moment.

"We're not friends." He says, pulling away to leave, leaving me and Duff.

"Um, I'll see you later?" I offer and he rubs his lips together, his eyes over my shoulder, and I look to see Nikki and a woman that we'd picked up from the airport, getting into the car.

I turn back to face Duff, biting my tongue to keep my tears back.

"You can stay with me tonight." Duff offers.

"Really?"

He just smiles down at me.

I inhale the familiarly comforting scent of cigarette smoke as we walk into Duff's apartment, dropping my bags and running to the bedroom, face planting into the mattress, exhausted.

The weight of Duff's body laying on top of me making me laugh, his own chuckle further making me grin.

"I'm so tired." I tell him.

"Me too." He replies, and I turn over underneath him, wrinkling my nose.

"You stink." I say.

"I think I smell pretty sexy." He grins, teasingly.

"No." I shake my head a little, scrunching my face to my shoulder when he tries to kiss my neck. "Go shower." I giggle when he tries again.

"Come shower with me." He counters.

"I don't feel like it and I don't stink, so--ew, Duff!" I squeal as he takes his shirt off that reeks of sweat and rubs it all over my face and hair.

"What about now?" He asks and I pick up the pillow above my head and start hitting at him with it.

After a few hits are gotten in, he's getting off the bed, stretching.

"You coming?" He asks when he walks to the bathroom.

"I guess." I reply, following after him.

Once I get out and have one of Duff's shirts on, I go to the kitchen to grab some water before bed, the quietness of the apartment allowing different thoughts to invade my mind.

I can't help but wonder what Nikki's doing. Is he high? Is he drunk? Is he even still alive? They leave in a few days for Japan but I honestly don't believe they should go. They need help.

I think at this moment everyone's just trying to see if they can get away with pressing at them a little more without anybody snapping.

But by the looks of it, Nikki is pretty damn close to snapping, and Tommy anf Vince and Mick aren't far behind at all.

Nikki.

My heart tightens in my chest, remembering last Christmas, how he sat curled under our tree, shooting up.

He'd get strung out, then lay underneath the tree and stare up at the lights for hours.

"Are we gonna buy a Christmas tree?" I ask, looking at the empty living area.

"If you want to." He calls to me from the bedroom.

"I want to." I reply, going into the room and getting in bed while he follows.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. You know, homey-ness and stuff." I add. "Especially if I'm gonna be here longer." I add and he falls beside me.

"I'll get a tree tomorrow." He assures me, kissing me chastely before yawning and getting comfortable, and I turn off the lamp and lay down, too.

He goes to sleep in no time, but two hours later, in the early hours of morning, I smile to myself in the dark room, Christmas lights from the street shining into the window, lighting up the room and cascading a comforting dim light over Duff's sleeping body next to me.

Reaching over, I run my fingertips softly against his cheek, pushing blonde strands of his hair out of the way, his eyes slowly blinking open slightly before a small tug of a smile pulls his lips slightly.

"Sorry." I whisper, not meaning to have woken him up.

"It's okay." He says quietly, closing his eyes again. "I love you, Vivian." He adds, his eyes staying closed, but he grabs my hand that's on his cheek, and presses a kiss to my palm, holding my hand when he's done.

I snuggle closer to him, laying still and closing my eyes, too, while I reply, "I love you, too," the way I wish I would have done to Nikki all these years.

Years later, while on what I presumed to be his deathbed, he told me that simple moment was what made him feel sure that I was the one. I took everything he had done up to that point with stride. But thinking he was going to die, reflecting on everything that could have been between us but never got to be, and hearing him tell me, "there's a ring I got you years ago when we thought we were gonna be together, but I never gave it to you. Mandy never knew about it. Linda doesn't know about it, but it's on my closet shelf and I don't want to go without giving it to you," broke my heart more than anything he could've done up to that point.

NIKKI

I turn over, seeing the silhouette of the brunette I picked up at the airport, her sheet-covered chest rising and falling with each breath.

A part of me feels irritated because her perfume is contaminating Vivian's side of the bed that still smells like her.

I've been reduced to plucking Viv's clothing from drawers or from in the closet and smelling it. That makes me sound like a fucking stalking creep, but it's the truth.

How the fuck did we get here, again?

Oh, right, me not able to keep my dick in my pants, and the woman I didn't keep my dick in my pants for, didn't keep her mouth shut.

I sit up, walking to the bathroom to piss. When I'm done I look at myself in the mirror and feel a little impressed.

I don't look as bad as I thought.

Well, kinda.

I splash water on my face, wincing at the dark circles under my eyes.

I end up staring at myself for God knows how long, remembering how Vivian would wake up and come in here to get me back in bed if I left her for too long because she didn't like sleeping by herself.

I smile a little, slowly closing my eyes, feeling her touch across my back, the softness of her lips pressing to the skin of my spine before her cheek presses to the same place before she sleepily mumbles out, "come back to bed."

Opening my eyes, for a split second, I see her. Standing behind me, green eyes peering at me over my shoulder, the feeling of her holding me...it's gone in a flash. She's gone in a flash.

My nose burns with the oncoming tears cooking up in my eyes, and I erase them quickly with another splash of water to thr face.

#nikki sixx #nikki sixx x oc #nikki sixx fanfiction #gateway drug #mötley crüe

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crissle · 7 years

Text

transcript of the speech i gave at Vassar’s black baccalaureate service

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, and the Vassar class of 2017. Just saying that aloud made me feel old. Class of 2017? Most of y'all were born after dark-skinned Aunt Viv left the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That’s wild.

I want to first thank you for allowing me to be a part of such a special moment in your lives. I am honored, privileged, and a bit in disbelief that you asked me of all people to give this address. I try not to have feelings, and I’m going to do my best not to cry today, but no promises.

I’m here to stand in the gap between you and your parents and guardians and any other elders in your lives that you stopped listening to because you thought they were wack and out of touch. I remember being in your shoes not TOO long ago, and it is my fervent prayer that something that I say here today will help you avoid some of the mess I went through. To be honest I’m a little nervous, but I figured there was no way could this be worse than when Betsy DeVos went down to Bethune-Cookman, so let’s get started. As you transition to life after Vassar the changes will be both inevitable and swift, so I’d like to begin by giving you some well-intentioned advice and warning you about the continued process of becoming an adult.

It means I frequently feel simultaneously overwhelmed and very bored. It means forcing myself to go to work even when I’m depressed or my anxiety is through the roof because I’m the grown up now, and the bills don’t get paid unless I do it.

It means sometimes sitting in my room alone and feeling like I’ve done nothing significant with myself.

It means going through bouts of just being unhappy and not having any option but deal with it.

So no, adulthood is not the “I can do what I want” paradise that it may have appeared to be when we were young, and I’m sure you can all see that clearly now, but there is even more growth ahead. Sorry if you thought the hard parts were over.

Many of you have likely never worked a full time job or completely supported yourselves before, so as you prepare to enter the professional workforce please understand that as a young person of color your biggest asset will likely not be your intelligence, work ethic, or creativity. It will be your ability to make the white people around you feel at ease. You’ve probably already been honing this skill during your time at Vassar. No shade. Lord knows my years in college in Oklahoma prepared me in the same way to deal with my bosses and coworkers. You will be tested the first time a colleague complains to your supervisor about your “unfriendliness”, when really you were just trying to meet a deadline and didn’t care to hear about Susan’s cat and its vomit. Or the time you collaborate with a group and when the work is presented to your boss, your contributions have been conveniently erased or “mistakenly” attributed to someone else.

There have been many times that I had to sit back at work and bite my tongue while a white male coworker skated by with few responsibilities and even fewer repercussions. This is what it’s like for most of us playing the corporate game. Keep the white people at work comfortable in your presence, and things are magically easier. Force them to see the blackness in your humanity, and watch the complaints to HR pile up.

If you feel like you are being unfairly targeted or punished at work, put those in feelings in writing and back it up with some proof before emailing it to the people who need to know. That’s right - I’m telling you to go full White Woman in the workplace. Learn now to trust your gut. Know that if something FEELS off, it probably IS off.

When things were getting rough at a previous job of mine and I suspected something shady was going on, I started carrying my iPhone all over the office and using the Voice Memo app to record what was being said when I wasn’t in the room.

I kept my own meticulous records of what was going on and those files ended up saving me in a major way. I’m thankful every day that I didn’t ignore my intuition about that job. Sometimes we get those sneaky feelings and think we’re being paranoid when it’s really God (or the universe, or your personal higher power, whatever you believe in) trying to warn us about the dangers ahead. There have also been plenty of times that I didn’t listen to that intuition at all and paid the price dearly. Please learn from my mistakes.

I dated a girl back in 2008 or 2009 (the years all start to run together after a certain point) that we’ll call Ashley. Ashley was fine, played basketball, had a nice car, great job, and most importantly - was taller than me. But there were lots of things about her that didn’t add up. Like how she claimed to be an engineer for Apple, but we lived in Oklahoma City which had only just gotten an Apple retail store at all the year before. Or how she claimed to be my age, but her driver’s license said she was born three years before I was. (She claimed it was a mistake at the DMV that she never got fixed). Or how she constantly gave away fancy things like Louis Vuitton purses and Gucci and bought an SUV back when gas was like $5.32/gallon and not even rich white people were buying SUVs. The list goes on and on.

There was a lot about Ashley that should have been a red flag, but I didn’t care. She was fine! She took me out all the time and seemed head over heels for me and opened doors and held my umbrella so I looked past the sketchy job thing and the fact that she was blatantly lying about her age and everything else. The universe gave me so many chances to walk away from that situation, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. If I am honest with you now, it’s because I never thought someone who looked that good could be attracted to me. If I lost her, I’d never get anybody that fine again. When she got a new job as an “engineer” at a bank, she asked me to come there one day and open an account so she could deposit a check into it. Now don’t get me wrong, I was definitely a fool back then, but that just felt like it should be a no. And so for the first time in our relationship, I told her no.

She let it drop, and I pretended that nothing was wrong and kept dating Ashley despite the millions of warnings the universe was tossing in my direction until I couldn’t ignore them anymore.

A few weeks later, I was home asleep when she pulled up at my house at 3 AM (problem number one) and told me she’d been arrested for embezzlement and her dad had just bailed her out. She claimed that it was all a big misunderstanding, but when I put two and two together I realized that she’d asked me to come to the bank that day so that she could pull off her little stunt and blame me if she ever got caught. To say that I was hurt by that betrayal would be a massive understatement. I couldn’t believe someone I loved and trusted so much could have treated me that way. Had I been even just 2% dumber I’d probably have a record right now because of that girl. I let the idea of loneliness and solitude keep me in a situation that I should have left months earlier, and it almost ruined me in a permanent way.

I tell you that story because my friend Kid Fury and I give out a lot of advice on our podcast, The Read. Most of it is about relationships and I get a lot of feedback from younger women who say things like “Wow, I wish I was as reasonable as you are about relationships” or “I wish I was okay with being single like you guys seem to be”. But I didn’t always make smart decisions when it came to love. I wasn’t always okay with being by myself and I didn’t get to this place overnight.

What I DID do was learn from all the ways that I messed up and spent time alone after every relationship to work on myself. From Ashley in particular I learned to always trust my instincts, and these days I spend a lot more time vetting people before I decide to date them. That’s not foolproof either, because love is always a gamble. You never know how things will turn out. The difference now is that I listen to the warnings the first time I hear them.

Since we’re already on the subject of relationships, I want you to know that sometimes you will have to un-break your own heart. Sometimes what you thought was the perfect relationship ends and you don’t get any real answers or resolution or closure. Sometimes you will have to sit alone in your heartbreak and just feel every bit of that misery. Sometimes you will have to know when it’s over and be brave enough to end things before they can get worse.

I want you to know that because if you decide to not feel those feelings… if you decide to throw yourself into sex or dating or selling laxatives on Instagram instead of processing the entirety of what you are going through… all you are doing is delaying the inevitable. Your future relationships will crumble under the weight of your unresolved emotions. You are not doing yourself a favor by pretending that you aren’t bleeding. It is fine and good to develop hobbies to distract yourself from the pain and loneliness of a relationship ending, but make sure you take the time to really get through your breakup.

Remember that never getting married isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you, but marrying the wrong person could be.

For young women in particular, I want you to learn to put yourselves first. Learn to prioritize your needs. There is so much to be accomplished in your personal life when you are happy with yourself alone. As a wise woman once said, there is an essential part of who you are that only becomes alive in the place where romance ends. Women are so conditioned in this society to take care of others that choosing yourself can feel unnatural. It can be isolating, because believe it or not lots of people don’t think women have the right to see themselves as truly equal to men. Weak partners will not know how to handle a woman who puts her happiness above anyone else’s but choose yourself anyway, and never compromise just for the sake of not being single.

When I was around your age, LiveJournal was a big deal on the internet. If you aren’t familiar, LiveJournal was a site for keeping personal blogs and participating in communities with like-minded people and I loved it. I blogged on LJ for years and made internet friends that I still keep up with on Twitter today, and when I take the time to go back and read what I was going through in my mid-twenties I am always blown away.

An excerpt from September 6, 2004: “I figure, why break up with him for being a liar (and probably a cheater) when everyone I’ve EVER dated has been a liar/cheater. Obviously I am destined to be either alone or with a liar/cheater. No sense in breaking up with this one when all I’ll be doing is waiting for the next one to come around.”

YIKES! I read that now and see a person whose self-esteem was so low that she should’ve been single and in therapy. It’s hard for me to reconcile that girl with who I am today, but I got here. The things that felt fresh and dangerous and new back then are old roads to me now. You will get there too. But you gotta keep going.

Another quote from my journal, this one dated November 5, 2008: “I don’t even try, anymore, even though I want things to be better. I want to do and be better. But I don’t put forth the effort that I know is required of me and I don’t know why. I just let things get worse and worse and worse and one of two things happen: It’ll get so bad that I’m forced to do something to change it or it’ll blow up completely in my face. If I do eventually change, I never manage to keep it up so either way it goes my life is a constant cycle of fail. I wish I knew why I couldn’t be one of those people who learns to make it right.

P.S. What is up with Rihanna having all these good songs lately?”

I remember feeling that way A LOT - sometimes for days and weeks at time. But it’s funny to me now that I remember those feelings but not the daily work it took to get out of it. I just know that I kept moving. I talked to my friends about what was going on and faithfully asked the church to pray for me every Sunday and Wednesday. When that didn’t fix it alone, I broke down and found a psychiatrist. (Which I highly recommend, by the way. Mine have saved my life twice. #NoShame.) If you’ve never been in therapy before, it might surprise you how helpful a stranger can be when you feel stuck dealing with life. And of course, I kept my journal. I kept writing. When my depression drove me to the point of feeling suicidal, I wrote my way out. But my journal wasn’t all tears and desperation and sadness. I laugh a lot too when I look back at who I used to be and what the world was like then.

Like this post from September 3, 2005: “Kanye West just got on TV and said ‘George Bush doesn’t care about black people’. Kanye West is officially my baby daddy.”

Or this one, from August of that same year: “I bought two fish, one male and one female. I named them Brad and Angelina. And I don’t think it’s any coincidence that they hump constantly.”

I encourage you to keep a journal and write in it as much as possible. I read a story on Humans of New York last year about a woman who has kept a journal every day since she started it as a class assignment in elementary school. Y’all, I would spend Beyoncé ticket money to be able to go back to 1996 and read my thoughts on being in 7th grade and what the Oklahoma City bombing was like for us living 90 miles away. I would spend VIP Beyoncé ticket money to be able to go back to high school and read the daily thoughts of a girl who was struggling with bisexuality and living with a very religious family in the middle of the Bible belt. So yes, please keep a written record of your life. One day it will be invaluable to you.

Take a lot of pictures of yourself and of everything around you, even when you think you look terrible. I don’t mean that you have to post them on Instagram or Tumblr every day, but no one ever grew older and thought “Damn, there’s too many photos of me lying around from when I was young.” The moments you are experiencing now will layer themselves into the person you grow to be. It’s a lot of fun to look back on trips that my best friends and I took in our mid-twenties and cackle together over the memories. When I was your age, camera phones were only just starting to become mainstream and it was a bit of a pain to hold onto lots of photos. So take advantage of the times we are in now. Save all those snaps to your camera roll. Record videos when you and your friends are just hanging out being goofy. Take those selfies, even if you think they’re ugly, and know that one day you’ll look back and touch the pixels of your 23 year old face and wonder where the time went.

One day, if it hasn’t come already, it will really hit you that you’re not one of the kids anymore. One day you will look around at your family and you will now be in the position that was always previously occupied by your parents, aunts, and uncles. Those kids that your siblings and cousins have? They get old fast! It is a cruel trick of life that childhood seems to drag on forever while adulthood flies past. Nothing prepares you for the realization that your parents are whole, complete people who had entire lives that existed before you were ever considered.

You will know in a way that young people are not capable of knowing that time continues to move and the world keeps turning no matter what. Children cannot quite understand that the games and technology and places and people they build their memories out of will all change one day. When I was your age, MySpace and BlackPlanet were more popular than Facebook and George W. Bush was the dumbest president America ever had. So yeah, the world will change in ways you cannot begin to imagine. You will realize that if you are fortunate you will be old one day, but also that growing older means learning different ways to say goodbye. One day it will be you turning up the brightness on your phone and increasing the font size on your MacBook and looking confused at whatever new app or machine the children of the future have invented.

Everyone won’t leave Vassar this weekend with a great job lined up in the career they’ve always dreamed of and go on to live happily ever after. If you’re like most of us, you will spend a significant amount of time being overworked, undervalued, underpaid, stressed, and tired. I want to encourage you today to hold on through the times when life will frustrate you the most. Understand that you WILL mess up, and the way you respond to making mistakes shows your true maturity. Hold on to the friendships you’ve had for years. Take the time to figure out who you are and how that person is different from who you want to be. Learn when to cut people off and how to genuinely apologize.

Ages 22 to 32 were by far the hardest I’ve gone through in my life. Imma just be real with y’all about that. I had a lot of terrible relationships. I had knockdown drag-out fights with roommates and best friends. I had terrible jobs and even worse bosses. My health wasn’t always great and I stopped trying to take care of myself. Depression and anxiety seemed to rule my days more often than not.

But if I hadn’t held on, I never would have worked up the nerve to move from Oklahoma to Harlem. I never would have started doing The Read with Kid Fury, which changed my life completely. I never would have been able to travel the world doing the work I love. I never would have found the real happiness and true peace that come with both loving and liking yourself.

Understand that your next steps into adulthood begin now, and that you cannot get to the rewards life has in store for you without walking the journey. (Unless you were born a cis-straight white man, and then the world is your oyster.) When I look back over the past decade of my life, I see a lot of struggle and heartache and days that I had to collect coins from the bottom of my glove compartment to scrape up enough money to find dinner. And now that I’m on the other side of that mountain I see how every last one of those days I spent hurting and miserable led me to being right here. I had to learn to trust the process laid out for me. I had to learn to let my dreams shift into my destiny. Like Oprah says, I learned to lean in with the universe instead of fighting it. So as you prepare to tackle the changes heading your way, do your best to hold your head high and remain true to yourself. Remember to hold onto your values, your ethics, and your purpose. It is these qualities that will successfully guide you through life.

I’ll leave you with one last excerpt from my journal, dated January 20, 2007: “My ex-boyfriend just moved to Harlem and he gets on my nerves talking about how great the east coast is. I really don’t give a damn about the east coast. I would never move to NYC, but maybe that’s just me.”10 years later, I can tell you that 24 year old me couldn’t have been more wrong about what she would or would not do and how her life was going to turn out. So have your dreams and goals, but don’t be so attached to them that you miss out on your purpose.

Congratulations to you, the Vassar class of 2017, and to the parents, family and friends who have helped you arrive. Good luck to you and thank you for listening.

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xxisxxisxxis · 4 years

Text

Gateway Drug | Part Seventy-Two--Part 2

Part Seventy-Two--Part 1

"Good girl." Nikki praises me when I move up and down on his cock, my back arched while he stands on his knees, fucking me from behind--well, technically I'm fucking him, he's at a standstill watching in awe.

I look back at him, tugging my lip into my mouth to keep from screaming when he grabs at my hips and goes back to pounding into me, evidence of me already coming twice, running down my thighs.

He continues to hit that spot in me that makes my eyes roll back and my hands ball up in the sheets.

"Nikki, I--" I can't finish, a tear rolling down my cheek because of how good I feel right now.

His hand reaches down and his fingers brush against my clit, making me tighten around him even more, my face burying in the sheets as I cry out in ecstacy.

"Are you gonna come?" He asks me and I nod, spreading my legs as wide as I can, my soaked pussy hungry for every inch.

He chuckles to himself before he pulls out of me, making me whine.

Before I can ask what's wrong, he's pushing me over to face me, holding my thighs apart as he goes back to fucking me, picking up where he left off, making sure he's hitting that same spot.

I dig my nails into his wrists, looking at him as he smirks down at me, sweat rolling down his chest, hotly.

"I had to watch you when you did it." He tells me in reference to watching me come.

I don't say anything, instead, grabbing one of his hands and guiding it to my clit.

He catches on and his other hand suddenly grabs my throat making me grin as more liquid coats him in my pussy.

"It's mine, isn't it?" He asks me, calloused fingers beginning to rub at my sensitive nerves, making me moan out, my lids half shut as I nod.

"All yours, daddy." I purr out, and he goes even harder into me, keeping his fingers on my clit before I tighten around him so hard he groans, my cum running out of me, and he leans over me, continuing the beating between my legs, his tongue meeting mine hotly as he starts to near his end, too.

"Face, tits, or mouth?" He asks me.

"Surprise me." I reply, my chest heaving.

"I know what my dirty little slut wants." He tells me and I read his mind, nodding.

Within a couple minutes, he's burying himself in me and finishing, making my eyes close as a satisfied moan leaves my throat.

He collapses beside me, taking deep breaths until he calms down, while I immediately feel sleepy.

"Will you quit it?" I grumble in a few minutes, half asleep, unable to feel my legs as Nikki let's out yet another loud breath, obviously not tired...and obviously not wanting me to leave him awake by himself.

"Don't go to sleep yet." He tells me and I groan, turning to face him.

"You just screwed me into next week, Nikki, I'm going to bed." I reply and he looks at me, unamused.

"Vivian, I'm not tired."

"Because you were snorting lines off of me earlier tonight after I told you not to."

"I think a blowjob will put me to sleep." He informs me when I close my eyes again and I scoff.

"Better learn to suck your own dick, then, because I'm not giving you a blowjob right now. I just gave you one during foreplay."

"Okay, then let me eat you--"

"--I'm about to go get in the guest bedroom." I state.

"Fine, fine." He sighs out...before he starts moving his legs constantly, which in turn makes me squeeze my eyes shut for a moment.

"Nikki." I grit out.

"I'm trying to get comfortable, Viv!" He says innocently and I groan out in frustration. "Alright, sorry." He mumbles getting still again.

Right before I'm dozing off, he says:

"Why do you always get to be the little spoon?"

I huff out a breath and sit up, shoving him so hard he rolls over onto his other side.

"Hey, hey, don't be so rough or I'm gonna get turned on again and you'll be in a coma by the time I'm done with you." He tells me.

"At least I'd be asleep!" I reply before laying back down, wrapping my arm around his bare waist, my forehead to his back.

We lay still for a moment, the noise of nothing but people talking in the street, filling the room as the street lights cast a relaxing glow through the window.

"Vivian." He says quietly.

"What?"

"I haven't hooked up with any other chicks in a while...ya know." He informs me.

"I'm having to keep up with your unspent libido. Trust me, I know you haven't." I hum, welcoming the incoming sleep.

"It's not that it's unspent, it's just that I'm always in the mood when you're around." He tells me.

"You are so full of it, Nikki."

"You play all innocent and then BAM! You're in a split on m--"

"--I'm not having this conversation." I pinch at his back to get him to hush.

"Okay, then we can talk about the period sex because that was--"

"--Completely your idea because 'it's just blood, it's no big deal'." I quote him.

"You seemed way too into it, though. Makes me wonder, really." He smartly replies.

"Because it felt good, now go to sleep." I mumble.

"Is that not weird, though?"

"Nikki, you wanted to do it--"

"--No, I mean, we're polar opposites but then when it comes to sex we like the same stuff."

"Need I remind you I was a virgin who never even got friendly with herself before so I had no idea what I liked until I met you, so technically we aren't into the same stuff, I just go along with whatever you're into because you're the only thing I know."

"Okay well what don't you like that we've done and we won't do it again." He suggests.

I think for a moment, deciding I really like the odd stuff he gets off on.

"Nothing, yet." I tell him.

"You just said--"

"--Go to sleep, I have to get up early for church tomorrow." I tell him.

"You're really gonna pray with the same tongue you were just drinking my cum down with earlier?"

"Christianity is a spectrum. Goodnight." I let out with a yawn.

He turns back over to face me and I blink my eyes open a little when his knuckles brush against my cheek, a little smirk on his lips.

"Go to sleep." I whine, nudging at him before he's pressing his lips to mine for a second.

He pulls away and I bite my lip between my teeth before leaning in and kissing him again.

He chuckles when I trace his bottom lip with my tongue, my leg hooking over his hip as I move to straddle him, feeling his cum start to leak out of me, but I don't care, and he doesn't seem to either.

"What happened to getting up early for church?" He teases, amused when my nails bite into the skin of his shoulders, his arms wrapping around my waist when he sits up, pulling my naked chest against his.

"I can drink a lot of coffee before I go." I suggest, kissing him again.

"Whatever you say." He replies when he pulls away, not arguing, before kissing my cheek, then my jaw, then my neck.

"Yeah, it is whatever I say, and whatever I want." I add.

"And what exactly do you want?" He asks me suggestively, his hands resting at my hips, his lips brushing against mine.

"Just you." I assure him in a whisper.

"Oh, bullshit." He scoffs a little. "I'm sure the thought of me making it big and racking in money makes me all the more worth the trouble, right?"

"You're an idiot if you think I'm with you for the possible-maybe money and fame." I pinch at his shoulder, scoldingly, and he winces. "I'm with you because I like you, jackass. I like being with you...I could give a damn about money--obviously." I motion around the shitty apartment bedroom and he blinks at me, slowly, smiling contently before bringing my lips down to his once more.

"I like being with you…"

"Go fuck yourself, Nikki, you're fucked up!" I scream at him, throwing Slash's Jack bottle at him as everyone in the room--Tommy, Slash, Steven, and Sparkie--all duck as it collides with Nikki, spraying him with whiskey, but not hurting him as bad as I hoped...then he throws it back, shouting:

"You fucking psycho cunt!"

The bottle misses me by an inch and breaks on the wall behind me, glass cutting at the back of my leg.

Nikki--well, Sikki--had "accidentally" spilt his drink on me when entering the room, and didn't appreciate it when I told him he was being messy.

"You wanna jump down my goddamn throat for being 'messy' and then you start raising fucking hell when someone looks at you the wrong fucking way!" He accuses me.

"Guys, c'mon." Tommy tries to get us to calm down.

"You want some more of what I gave you earlier?!" I snap at Tommy, referring to his bloodied nosy I gave him a few days ago.

"Vivian, you're being fucking ridiculous, all Nikki did was--"

"--Lie to me, cheat on me, choose drugs over me, make a mockery of my beliefs, humiliate me, shoot me, the list goes on, Tommy, if I haven't given you enough reasons as to why how I'm fucking acting right now is fucking justified!"

"I'm about to fucking kick your ass, too!" Nikki threatens.

"Like you did to Vanity?! Might as well, seems like the only thing going for you in our relationship is the fact you haven't outright punched me!" I point my finger in his face and he takes a step to me, and Tommy tries to get between us to separate us.

"I can fucking hit you, if you really want me to, Vivian, God knows I've tried my fucking hardest not to beat the ever loving life out of you, at least once, the past six fucking years living with your fucking witchy, vindictive, manipulative, victim narrative of an attitude!"

"Then go ahead and see what the fuck happens!" I bark back.

He pushes Tommy out of the way and raises his fist, and I'm ready for him to knock the piss out of me before Steven's suddenly grabbing at his wrist, getting me behind him.

"Hey, hey, stop it!" Steven snaps, shoving Nikki back a few feet. "Both of you are being fucking stupid!"

"Get the fuck outta my way so I can finally set this bitch fucking straight!" Nikki struggles against him.

"So you can go down as a fucking 'woman beater' if it gets out?!" He makes his point. "I know you're pissed, I know you're tired, but you're fucked up right now and you'd feel like shit if you woke up tomorrow and realized you'd hit her, Nikki, and you know it."

Nikki looks at me, shooting daggers my way, before letting out a huff of breath, backing off of Steven.

"Fine. Just get the rest of your band in here to collect you guys' bitch and get the fuck out." He sneers, more so at me…

My cheek stings when Nikki hits me as a result of me snatching Slash's lit cigarette from his mouth, lunging past Stevie and pressing the lit end to Nikki's jaw.

Then, of course, I have to get the last hit in, grabbing a handful of Nikki's hair, my balled fist hurtling into his eye.

The breath leaves my body when Tommy slams me down onto the floor to keep me from getting the shit beat out of me when Nikki comes for me, Steven and Tommy blocking him, screaming for Fred.

"What the fuck is going on?!" Fred's hollering when he comes in.

"Send her the fuck home! I want a fucking divorce and I'm fucking pressing charges!" Nikki seethes still fighting against Tommy and Steven.

"Aww, how sad for you, Nikki, I feel so bad!" I sarcastically hiss back when I stand up, feeling Fred's arm wrapping around my waist to pull me out of the room.

"Go fucking kill yourself you fucking bitch!" Nikki yells at me.

"You'll be fine, Nikki...once you use this as an excuse to shoot up again, you'll forget all about it!" I argue.

"Duff!" Fred yells down the hall as he tugs me out of the room.

Duff's drinking from a solo cup on the other end of the hall, talking to Izzy, concern on his face when he looks over.

I don't quit struggling against Fred until Duff gets to us.

"What the hell is going on?" He asks me, concern all over his face. "What happened?" He asks next as Fred hands me off to him.

"Nothing, I'm fine." I tell him and he furrows his brows, his fingers going over the welt left on my cheek from Nikki slapping me.

"Who did that?" He asks me next and I shake my head.

"Nobody, alright, let's just get the hell outta here." I nudge at him and he looks at Fred.

"Who the fuck hit her?" He asks him.

"Duff, c'mon, it's fine. Let's go." I urge, but he's not moving. "Duff--"

"--Who hit you, Vivian?"

"I'll explain it later, alright?" I tug at his arm.

"I'm not leaving until someone tells me what the fuck happened and who the fuck hit you." He states and I look at him, my eyes starting to water.

The last thing I need is for him and Nikki to get into a fight.

"Baby, please?" I mouth, giving my best helpless puppy look, hoping to persuade him to drop it for now and just leave with me.

He relents, letting out a sigh.

"We get back to the hotel, you're telling me." He tells me and I nod in agreeance.

I wasn't mad at Nikki for hitting me, I would've hit me, too. It was like I was losing control over every aspect of my life, but what little control I had over people around me to make them lose their shit for a moment--even if I got hit in the process--gave me a sick sense of security.

Duff, however, did care if my mouth got me hurt…

"You start shit, Viv." Duff scolds me as he paces, while I sit on the bed, brushing my wet hair out in nothing but his tshirt. We haven't really talked since before rehearsal yesterday, he stayed out all night with Steven and Slash. "I don't understand how you go from being the sweetest girl ever to being so mean to people."

"Because they deserve it." I say to him.

"They aren't worth the energy it takes trying to stir the pot, Viv. They're not." He adds, frustrated.

"Duff," I start, softly.

"I'm not--I can't--I-I'm not happy with you, Viv, alright? I just need a few minutes to chill out because I don't want to argue with you, at all."

"Baby," I say next, "please c'mere." I stand on my knees on the foot of the bed and he looks at me and let's out a heavy breath before trudging to me, my hands running up his chest. "I'm sorry, okay? What I did was stupid and childish and I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry."

"First it was the band rehearsal, now it's this...Viv, you can't keep…" he trails off, rubbing his eyes and I wrap my arms around him.

"I know, and I'm sorry." I apologize again and he exhales. "What can I do to make it all better?" I ask, next, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth.

"Not scream people's heads off anytime they make you upset." He replies.

"Okay, what else?" I ask again, pressing a kiss to his neck.

"Viv, I'm really not in the mood…" he tells me and look at him, trying not to pout.

He must be really pissed to blow off sex.

"Duff, I said I was sorry." I tell him.

"And I said I'm not really in the mood."

I give up, moving off the bed to brush my teeth and when I get back to the bed, he's laying down.

"Who hit you earlier?" He asks, and I thought he would forget to ask, but he didn't.

"Doc meant to hit Nikki, but he got me instead." I lie, turning my back to him, accepting the fact he's upset with me and probably will be until tomorrow.

"Oh." He says lowly, and I can feel him looking at me for a moment before he turns the lamp off, turning his back to me, too.

Sparkie's departing words come back to my mind:

"You have until the end of this leg of the tour to give me a turn, or I'm telling Nikki about you and Duff."

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