#cs discoveries

[writingmochi]

cast: soobin ✗ fem.reader (ft. odd eye circle)

synopsis: as you stood on the crowded train while making eye contact with the boy from the neighboring school, light shines into the dim train car as it becomes empty and filled with sand. approaching you is a humanoid figure, who calls you the king and queen of viliya—the island kingdom that is plagued with nightmares that haunt its people which you and the boy are also not immune to

genre: two lost souls find comfort, silent lovers, magical realism, meet ugly, hurt/comfort, adventure, thriller, coming of age, romance, high school au, late 2010s au, angst, fluff, mature content (phobias, trauma, war, explicit smut)

inspired by: music my bloody valentine's "i only said" (1991), txt's 2019-2020 star seekers music videos ("nap of the star", "magic island", "eternally"), and movies bridge to terabithia (2007) and tigers are not afraid (2017)

word count: 28472 (28.4k)

warning(s): numerous traumas and phobias, war imagery (refugees, weapons, etc), bruises, scars, and blood, suicide and suicide attempt, parental abuse (physical and mental), minor character deaths, parental neglect, sex addiction and its impact on a child, sharp object(s) drug consumption (cigarette, soobin's character is addicted to nicotine) and more mentioned, mention of self-harming, mention of bullying, explicit smut, lost of virginities (m&f), hand job (m&f receiving), oral (m&f receiving), marking, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, creampie (if there is something that i forgot, let me know!)

message of the moon: remember that this story is fiction and do be careful and read the warnings at the top. all the idols mentioned here are not what they are in real life.

hello! it's been nearly a year since i've posted the visualizer and people seemed to dig it. having much more time of my hands, i decide to pick up the pace for this fic to skim my wips, especially those that i have released teasers to~ if you will be reading this, thank you for giving it a chance and hope you enjoy it!

playlist | visualizer part of the loveless anthology | an entry for discovery: 400 and solstice: a comeback story

everything around you is either orange or black.

a hand reaches up and is placed gently on the side of your head, brushing against the throbbing sense as you tilt back to breathe in such suffocating air. the dark scenery lights up as more of the orange comes into sight. that’s when you hear it. voices. fearful voices.

the blurriness went away in an instant as you looked at your surroundings covered only in shadows and silhouettes. screams combined with crashes as you watch humanoid figures running around you. tall dark buildings enveloping from the sides as you noted how their corners are torn away—leaving behind leftover bricks that are awaiting gravity to pull it down and join with the rubble. your body trembles as you view the haunting scene masked in the darkness where the orange decorates the sky alongside a purple-ish hue coming from the silhouettes.

that’s when you feel something cold trailing down your cheek. the side where you put your hand previously.

as the orange light illuminates you, you raise both hands to find the palms covered in darkness. a dark, gooey substance that makes you want to gag as your vision gazes back to the silhouettes. only to be met with their rigid lines becoming more blurry, more wavey. paralleling the outline of the substance on your hands.

your jaw unhinges, yet no voice comes out.

the sound of the announcement startles you as you turn your head to find yourself in the underground station you are standing in. breath ragged as you push your body from the thick column you were leaning against, your heartbeat still going at a fast pace as your breathing calms it down.

looking down at your palms, you find nothing on them except the sticky sweat coming from their pores—making you hastily rub them against your uniform skirt to dry them before straightening the rest of your clothing pieces; your school’s plain navy vest that has its logo and the pin with your name on it. you also repair the black arm sleeves covering both of your forearms as you pick up the rumbling sound of the train coming in on the other side of the glass barriers: finding yourself in the dark reflection before you stand behind the people waiting in line to get in.

tugging your wired earphone buds into both of your ears from your skirt pocket, the train cars stop in front of their assigned doors as they open simultaneously. your eyes glance at the gap between the platform and the train car as you step across it before settling at your usual place by the door of the opposite side where it won’t open. your nimble fingers quickly open the music application as you turn on the playlist you usually listen to when you commute. you find yourself in the reflection of the glass window of the door you stood in front of, seeing your frazzled self as you notice the signature of your dark under-eye area in a half-circle shape. when you hear the train door close and sense the force of the train pushing you along the track, you take a long breath as you put another pin on the daydream that you have envisioned in your memory.

the music chugs along with the train as you ride under the district of gangnam in seoul metro’s line 7; the usual olive green color you encounter every time you commute to and from school from station number 731. your train is filled with mostly working commuters as gangnam is where many businesses reside. schools also litter around the district in the different neighborhoods where you see a few students as young as elementary schoolers to people your age in high school commuting. you didn’t expect to actually feel melancholic about it, but it is expected when this is the last semester you’ll be riding this line before you graduate later this year. but, you also feel melancholic for another thing other than the train ride—that’s why, as you pick up the train wheel screeching from beneath you, you turn around and face the door across that will be open in station 730.

people came into and went out from the train as you looked at the blinking light of the station name above the door, seeing the other unlit dots of your journey with this line as you’ll see them lit up soon. you felt your backpack rest beside the thin glass wall that protects the people sitting from the people standing by the door as you felt the rush of the autumn wind getting sucked up with the door closing. as the train continues its journey, you shift your head to the side, finding the sight that you’ve waited every time you ride this line in this particular time.

on the other side from where you at, across the long line of seats where people rested, stand a few people who got in from the other doors available in this train car. there amongst the crowd stands a tall boy who is dressed in a similar outfit to yours. the autumn uniform’s vest is a light grey color instead—representing his high school. a neighbor of your own school, since it is only blocks away.

ever since you’ve ridden this train car in your 2nd year of high school, you always come across him. every time you ride on the train as you commute to school, you always find him in that very spot as the train comes to pick you up. and you always watch him step out at station 730, tugging onto his backpack as he heads to his classes and leaving you to ride one more stop so you can go to yours. yet, you realized that this was not a one-sided interaction when you caught onto him looking your way. well, looking at you as you catch his eyes following yours while you move to stand nearer to the door of your stop.

yet, neither of you has approached each other. the stretch of seats between both of you and the people sitting on them or standing in the narrow lane separating them becoming the barrier between you two.

you rarely have crushes. but you consider him as one. every time you look at him, you can feel warmth and calmness spreading across your body; making you seem slightly better before facing the other tribulations of life. your lips protruding into a small pout as you see him wearing his headphones, head nodding along with the music he heard when you catch small shadows on his cheeks—dimples as you presumed—before he glances his eyes at you as you let the music entering your ears also entertaining your day; giving you even a small smile, acknowledging your existence. sometimes you stand in the lane where the seats at, halfway closer to where he stood as your usual spot is filled. but something seems to still make you stand apart as you observe his side of the train covered with a crowd.

the realization hits you. that he is something to be admired from afar, to lighten up your day before darkness finds a way to cover it up again.

the train stops as you watch him gently putting on the headphones that were hanging around his neck, pivoting as you lean your head back to find the station where you arrived lit up with a bright red dot. station 729: cheongdam. then, you sense it. your breath hitches and your senses heightened as you can feel your blood rushing in your blood vessels. eyes blinking as you can already sense presence all over you. looming inside and even outside of the train car. when the door closes, the thumb that was caressing your fingertips stops and you balled your hand into a fist. head now straight and mighty as you follow the train’s journey progressing to the part of the line that always haunts you more and more.

you always experience something weird when the train is nearing the cheongdam bridge. it is as if your senses are being attacked in a sweep when goosebumps form in a wave before it calms down. then it starts again as the train approaches the outdoor part of its journey to cross the body of water. the lights inside flicker as you look outside to view the han river from under the bridge, yet sometimes, it’s not a river, but a beach.

the sky is the clear turquoise blue that reflects the seawater. the view of the river bank turns into sand that’s lining the barrier of land and sea. you could sometimes hear crashing waves from it even if you only see the setting sky as it changes from day to night. though now, that turquoise sky is getting darker and darker, even darker than the sunset you usually find when you cross on the hanging tracks from the cheongdam bridge to ttukseom park.

then you see it: the visions.

quick time-lapse of the neon streetlights, crumbling buildings crashing down as their support couldn’t hold on, humanoid beings who can fly as they attacked something dark. only the color orange highlights everything before you see flickers of a woman with long platinum blonde locks and white dress, calling out your name as your eyes are trying to focus on her heterochromia ones.

you’ve always held onto the nearest surface as you glance at the dots turning red between cheongdam and ttukseom park stations, breathing in and out as you felt your palm getting sweatier when you felt the whole compartment seemed to shake more and more as you approached the bridge and let the light from outside coming in. recently, the shakiness is getting rougher and the vision more frequent. but you’ve always tried to comfort yourself and look at the boy across from you if he is okay.

because it seems like you’re not the only one noticing all the things you’ve experienced, especially when you see him mumbling whilst staring at the red dots lighting up on top of the door when the train approaches the bridge.

with your eyes widened with the realization, the train car rattles as you nearly fall. hands up and legs placed wide as you don’t want to fall and nudge someone, you stumble forward as you reach for the handle hanging from the ceiling. your vision glances back at the dots lining the top of the car door. the train on its journey away from cheongdam station clearly with three red dots lighting up. it returns to the boy as you catch him staring at you, eyes communicating with each other with something more to it. the usual shy glances were gone as you stayed in eye contact with him, saying to him ‘yes, i do feel what you felt’.

the light on the train flickers as you hear the screeching noise from the train running along the rail, sensing the train car curve following the underground tracks. and yet, your eyes remain on him before glancing to view the progress of the dots. shivers suddenly rise and send chills to your skin as you remind yourself of the specific dot where the train car will emerge out of the tunnel and into the outside area of the line even under the cheongdam bridge. then, you see it. the visions.

it flickers in your eyes and changes as you blink, showing a few frames. the orange view on top and black on the bottom. the silhouette of winged people and other variants running away. falling debris of buildings crushing on vehicles. shadow figures stand from the edge of your vision as it approaches you closer and closer. the familiar blonde-haired girl showing up in front of you, blinking in and out of existence as you have a close of her different colored eyes. shaking your head, you turn to look at the dots, the red light getting closer to the specific one as the train car shakes around you, yet none of the people seems to be bothered as you only see the boy standing across from you reacting to it discreetly.

he also gazes at the dots as you watch him mumble words you couldn’t decipher. the sound of music you are listening to also glitches out in your ears, making them allowing you to listen to the environmental noises that it makes. the boy catches your eyes staring at him, eyebrows furrowed as he also has the same. yet, he nods his head, only to you. only for you to understand. the train is ever so close to the opening as you hear strange sounds that you shouldn’t hear. the calls of your name, the sound of the waves, the sound of cries. and your eyes remain on his as they also perturbed him. but he continues to nod his head until he closes his eyes, soothing himself as he focuses on the sound he listens to from his headphones. you follow alongside him, focusing on the music entering your eyes that seemed to cut off as the car trembles. your grip on the handle tightens as you stand your ground, spreading your weight so you don’t fling as easily.

from your closed eyelids, you see it. the light level rising as a gush of wind hits you. your hands gripping onto the handle and your backpack strap tight so you don’t fall. the rubber exterior of your wired earphones flapping against your cheek and jaw as the light enters, nearly blinding you. your hair flails around from the quick airflow as you hold on for your dear life for survival. to find yourself arriving at the next station safe and sound. to see the boy with your very eyes once again.

then you smell it. the salt in the air. even sharper than before. the sound of the train moving comes crashing with the wave noise that arrives on the land, even overcoming it. the wind blows yet it doesn’t come the way the train is going, which is northward. it enters and caresses you gently from the sides where the windows are. when you try to balance yourself, you instead felt the ground uneven and one of your feet being sucked by gravity.

something is different.

with courage and curiosity, you open your eyes. the strong sunlight emitting into the car hits you, making you bow your head, examining the gray-colored floor now filled with creme colors and your feet sunken into it. sand.

the sound of seagulls catches your attention as you glance outside of the window, finding a shoreline on the other side. the foam created from the moving wave meeting the sand as its sizzling sound makes your ticklish. looking upwards, the red dots are off alongside the open doors on both sides of the cart. you didn’t realize you were still holding onto the hanging handle until you look straight forward from where you are, finding the boy in the same pose as you; expressing the thought you are currently experiencing.

loosening the grip, you turn to see your palm and find a distinct long rectangle marked on it from the handle, sensing the blood rushing to put back the oxygen you held back from grabbing it too tight. you remain standing there, hearing your music still playing in your ears, even with one earbud off. and your sight remains on him, not wanting to let go. so, you step first. and he follows.

one step at a time, you gaze at the created footsteps from your sneakers’ soles on the sand. the boy was looking at his palm whilst walking towards you. there, in the middle between two lines of seats across from each other, you and he finally stand before each other. your breath is haggard as you focus on your drumming heartbeat, gazing at him who stands before you. jaw lower as you calm your inhales, you pick up another set of footsteps before you even say “hi.”

with both of your heads turn towards the same direction, you notice an approaching figure coming towards the train car. they wear a flowy white dress as the sun reflects on the light hair color, blonde. they approach the car fast whilst having a brown-hued backpack on their back, the soft footsteps getting hard as she steps onto the sand-covered floor. the long flowy blonde hair frames her face as she controls her breath. while she’s doing that, you gaze at her hair and see how her earlobe pokes through the long hair strands. an elven type of ear that you’ve seen illustrations of before. yet, when she lifts her head, both you and the boy gasp together.

there, as she brushes her cheek from specks of sand, is a face you’ve often seen. the long blonde hair and the heterochromia eyes. an odd blue eye.

“thank caelum.” she lets out a gasp before she pauses, a wide smile threatening to show up even with the smile that she has. and she bows down half her body.

“your majesties.”

your majesty?

turning your head, you catch the boy’s face looking at you, catching each other speaking the same thing at the same time.

“yes, king soobin and queen (y/n)...” she mentioned your name as you glanced back at him, looking down to his pin name tag on his vest, reading “choi soobin” before moving your eyes upward to his eyes to find his eyeline on your own name tag, confirming your name to him too.

the blonde girl clears her throat before continuing to speak. “you’ve been slipping in and out of this part of the beach. when i heard a horn and something heavy crashing by the beach, i knew that it was going to be the two of you.”

“how do you know us?” the voice startles you as you return your eyeline to the boy, his voice much deeper than you realized from his face when asking. with the number of things you wanted to learn about him, you’ve always wondered about his voice. and you can feel butterflies flying around in your stomach because of it.

“well...” she steps closer to where you at, “both of you were originally from here. but then, you had to leave and trust us to keep viliya in order. the prophecies, tales, and legends were told in the past 200 years of when both of you will be back, that the people will witness the return of the true leaders of viliya come back in their corporeal form. as you both have only appeared in soul and voice to us.”

“wait...” you sounded, nearly cutting her voice yet she finished hers faster. hearing the way she described how you interacted before—other than seeing a blinking vision of her—reminds you of the many images that are ingrained in your mind. sure, the visions are enough, but this is where it differs. because you have also seen her in your dreams.

the sight of a lush forest in the background of a bustling town where people mostly walk with a few cars moving around. its architectural design looks similar to your usual neighborhood block but with the intricacies of something gothic. the sight of the orange-colored view comes back as the blurriness becomes clearer. you remember looking around the familiar plaza with strung decorations hanging above you. people crowding around you as their silhouettes shaped them in varieties you don’t see in “regular” humans, and you remember turning your head to the side, finding the boy you’ve always seen in the train car looking back at you in a long-sleeved white shirt: opening his palm for you to grasp. and you did.

“the dreams?” he, soobin, takes the word out of your mouth as you return your gaze back at him, finding his eyes looking around as he also seems to remember something. something he has experienced like you also did. shifting back to the elven girl, she gives a stern nod as your suspicions are answered instantly.

your breath hitches, shivers creating goosebumps as it runs all over your body, taking in that the most magical thing you’ve experienced in your life was in fact something of a reality. yet doubt comes back in as you say, “start from the beginning.” your eyes are now fixed on the blonde, “please...”

she gives a small smile and starts.

“my name is jinsoul. i am one of the three keepers of the kingdom trusted by you to take care of this island in your absence. i worked on most of the exterior administration stuff, deals, conflicts, and more. we, viliyans, are... you can see for yourselves.” she pointed the peeking part of her elven ear between the hairs. “though, currently, we are not in the best shape to accommodate your arrival, your majesties.”

“shadows...” soobin said whilst also letting out his breath. her—jinsoul’s—blue heterochromia eye is sparkling as she takes in that he and you seem to know what is going on. that is probably why you’ve been having dreamless sleep for the past week but the increasing vision every time you ride between cheongdam and the ttukseom park station. how the warm hue of the sun-shined beach has become darker. how it relates to the vision you’ve seen in that train station. how you notice your own shadow getting bigger than before.

“correct. we...” she sighs, contemplation moving in her eyes before saying something. “we are currently in an ongoing skirmish. well, war, as lip would say, against these shadow beings. they,” jinsoul nipped her lip, “have been wrecking heavy on the buildings-“

“ruins. crumbling.”

your head stood tall as your words entered hers and the boy’s ears, “many of the buildings are in ruin. some even obscured behind the shadows unseeable to the other side. people running around trying to find shelter.”

“with what the caelum has given us upon your arrival, it is genuinely a blessing. the citizens are in despair, losing hope.” her two different irises glance at you both. “to know that their leaders are here with them now could be a turning point for this war.”

something vibrates as you watch floating music note shapes coming out from jinsoul’s side, the red music note getting more prominent as pull out what looks to be a regular stone, but you can hear mumbles coming from it. that is when you pick up coherent voices talking, followed by another set of floating music notes now in purple.

“is it them?” the red voice calls out.

“yes,” jinsoul said, the corner of her lips raised, “it is them.”

“then don’t let them stay there. come to the forest and let them meet us.” red continues with jinsoul replying, noticing how the stone glows blue every time she talks before she tugs the stone away once again, looking back at the two of you. “well, you’ve heard what lip said. follow me, your majesties.”

turning around, she leads the way as you give a glance at soobin. his eyes looking back at you before signaling with his chin, making you follow behind jinsoul as you caught onto the footsteps behind you from him. stepping out of the capsized train car, you see how the end of it gets hit by the incoming wave that comes and goes. scratches adorned its metal body as it saves you from even feeling that scratches themselves while arriving here. pivoting towards the right from where you are walking, you find the footsteps that were coming towards the car as jinsoul treks back with it, arriving in a small opening of an emerald-colored forest.

the trees create a perfect shield against the sky and sun as only a few openings create sunbeams that light the space closest to it. the leaves create a noisy barrier obscuring everything over them. that is until you see the spacious area in between the trunks where vines hang and colorful flowers bloom by bushes. sounds of rustling create a peaceful atmosphere—contrasting the actual situation this very place is living in. every time your foot steps forward, another follows it as you peek behind you, finding the boy following your path as you follow jinsoul’s white dress that looks so bright compared to the greenery. the little branches of the bushes you have to go past tickle your legs as the opening within the biological shield seems to get wider.

then, you hear it. the rustling of the breeze dissipates as you catch more noise: voices.

behind a few glimmers between the leaves, silhouettes of structures stood out. some look sturdier than others as you see their tippy top leaning from the way the wind blows. walking closer, the silhouette becoming richer as jinsoul peels away a draping vine to let you and soobin stand inside a haven.

a large opening lets the skylight into the ground. the tall trees around create space in between to let people live. inside its area stood shelters made from wood but also tents made of cloth hanging between the sticks that made them stand. few wide areas for commune where there is a campfire placed cooking food, another is a place a tad bit wider where people are training for combat—melee and ranged—and the last one is a commune area with a makeshift table holding onto pieces of paper all with some shapes and sizes of darkness on them.

the people around you are beings you’ve only seen in a fantasy story. people with a pair of horns curling on their heads, wings of various sizes adorning their back, spikes protruding from the spine along with tails, fangs, or talons peeking out from their lips. some people are more animal-esque with a hybrid of their ears or beaks to a full-on humanoid version of said animals. a few of them have scales on their skin to full-on gills that marked their neck. some are centaurs to minotaurs. all various combinations of humanoids all being here, now looking towards you and the boy as they realized your presence.

their stares are intimidating, yet jinsoul still gestures for you to walk onto the path opening from where you stand. every time you walk, the beings closest to you stop what they’re doing and bow down in their various styles. soobin, now standing beside you, also looks around as the more of them see you, they also pause their activities to bow down. the graze of wind against your skin creates shivers as you can only give minuscule nods to them, not knowing what to do with this immense greeting that is much more than your 19 years of life have ever experienced. from the youngest to the oldest-looking one, all know what to do; like they know of your arrival.

your eyes glanced at the boy who showed a thin yet dimpled smile; the people seemed to identify what he was saying, rising from their bows to continue what they were doing as he shifted his head to catch your sight. both of you turning to stare forward as the elven girl brought you towards the place where the table stood full of blotches on top of the light-colored paper.

there in front of you stood another blonde girl with the same elven ears peeking out from between her long locks, yet her outfit was such a contrasting sight to jinsoul’s white dress. she is adorned in what looks to be heavy-looking leather armor and dark pants. her boots have long ties wrapped around both her calves with similar-looking gloves from what you notice from the side. the girl turns around with an expectant smile on her face, knowing of your presence before her.

“your majesties,” she says, your eyes focusing on her face and how she blushes on the skin beneath her eyes. yet, your vision was distracted by the sight of the black stains on the front of her outfit, adorning the armor like specks of dirt and seeping into the cloth of her gloves. the black stain you sensed is too familiar with a certain vision you got at the station.

“your majesties. this is lip,” jinsoul introduces, “one of the three keepers of the throne. she works in the defense and security of viliya and our general in the current war efforts.”

“pleasure to meet you.” lip replies, her laid-back response showing the presence she exudes alongside her clothing style. giving a small smile, you instead glance towards the table she is standing beside. from this closer angle, you can make out a much more prominent shape of these blotches of darkness.

they scan for familiarity with things you’ve seen in your life before. these blotches could look like a regular being with its own variations like the ones you see the citizens of this island have. some look much more wildlife-like with numerous bird and dragon shapes. but there is one—well, two—paper that caught your attention.

on the edge of the table where one of lip’s soldiers is working, coloring another of these beings with the dark pigment, lays two pieces of paper that are put next to each other. connecting it is a drawing of a tall humanoid presence. it has a hunched upper back and a thin neck area where its head looks like it is draping with long hair. two uncolored areas on its head make them look like a pair of eyes.

observing it makes your pulse quicker.

you could see the dark room enveloping you in an instant, sitting with your knees folded upright and tucked towards your chest, eyes staring at the other side of the hallway where you find a slither of light spilling out from behind a room, the noise of haunting scream echos even out of the layer of the wall. there the dark humanoid stood, its white eyes piercing into your young self. the memories flicker quick of the many times you’ve seen this being. as a taller shadow standing behind you, through the even little reflective item that you see yourself from, and it stands in your peripheral vision. it stops flickering as you find yourself in the same position, much older yet still a young girl. now, the being is joined by silhouettes as dark as it slumps on the hallway’s floor. the only breathing sound you hear is yours.

you must’ve turned your head so quick as you found the boy stood beside you with his eyebrows scrunched as he looks at the caricature. his eyes moving rapidly before staying a few seconds on one specific of paper before moving away, letting you observe in the same way as you can identify the same circles in various sizes, shaping these blotches with eyes: making them much more alive.

his breath hitches before you feel lip’s hand on your shoulder, giving a light massage as she is the one that has been observing both of you. and both of you react the same way as she settles in the space between the two of you. that’s when you see the familiar purple music note floating upwards with a voice muffled. turning your head, you watch as lip picks up the speaking stone once again as you can finally catch onto the sound from the other side as the music note continues.

“the palace is all clear. we can bring the refugees into its complex.” the voice spoke, recognizing it as someone who seems young and cheerful.

“will do. thank you, choerry. the majesties are also here with us,” blue music note flowing out as it echoes jinsoul’s voice who is standing nearby.

“welcome back, your majesties!” you can imagine how the owner of the voice—choerry as jinsoul calls her—lifts both corners of her lips as she speaks. then you hear the rummage from the other side before continuous apologies are uttered as choerry seems to tell more people about yours and his arrival in this very place. lip chuckles as she tucks the stone before separating both of your spaces.

“well, we have to tell the people that they can refuge at the palace grounds. your palace grounds,” she said before giving a tight-lip smile. you know what she is implying as you nod your head whilst soobin becomes your voice.

“they can definitely refuge there,” he spoke the words that are also formed in your mind.

“thank you, your majesties.” lip does her bow before approaching other people, sharing the news as you watch it being spread. a smile unconsciously growing when you sense how dry your lips seem to be. but seeing your people all motivated to move to a place more comfortable makes you want to be there with them. at least help them pack up their belongings before moving away.

“i believe you should rest for a bit while we pack up to move.” jinsoul answers your predicament in an instant, reading through your facial expression that is portraying such complex thoughts and emotions. yours and soobin’s who stood ajar from you. “especially with what happened and the information that we give you about all of this. here...”

jinsoul held both of your hands in hers respectively as she brought you to a fallen log, jutting with her chin to it as you sat down on it—the boy does the same. the girl goes to the box beside the fallen log as she grabs something from inside it; a refracted surface holding tight in her palm before she stands in front of you both. opening it, two water orbs rest as they move slightly along with her hand that is balancing both of them.

“take a bit of the water orb and it will hydrate you like regular drinking water.”

the boy reaches first, his hand much larger than jinsoul’s as he gently pinched the orb in between his thumb and forefinger. cupping your hand, jinsoul puts the other one on your palm as she turns away, letting you watch her doing the work that you want to do before she tells you the rest.

well, you need to rest for everything that has happened today. the class you were having, the pain you had to endure again, the tiredness of walking and standing in the train and on the platform, to this new happenstance that you found yourself in with the boy that you’ve been secretly admiring. carefully, you nibble on the orb as you feel the bitten part instantly dissolve into water as it travels down your esophagus, wetting your throat that you didn’t realize was also dried up. you tuck on your uniform skirt so it can rest comfortably on your lap, your shoulder feeling much lighter as your backpack rests on the rest of the log you are sitting on.

you let your eyes peek from the corner, seeing the boy has also taken a bite into a water orb as he watches the things happening around the two of you. from a third-person perspective, you and he are just two teens resting beside each other. but from their perspective, you and he are the queen and king that they’ve been believing in who has come back.

blinking away the feeling, you finish the water orb as you lick your bottom lip to heal it from the dryness. the serenity of the lush forest contrasts against the view of tents being torn down and objects being moved, leaving only the sturdy structure behind as people are moving away from the beach you find yourself at.

“we haven’t introduced ourselves.” you caught someone’s voice beside yours, pivoting to find the boy’s cream-colored vest before your eyes lifted from the ground to see his face.

his black hair was in array as the white headphones still rested on his nape. you caught his eyes that is also darting right on you. tugging your arm sleeve, you give a small pouty smile as you can feel your trembling knee touching his from the nervousness. the way the sun lights him makes his skin glow, casting a shadow that makes his nose much pointier, and the gentle shade on his eyelashes. that is when you trail your sight to his cheek area when you find his blushing skin.

your hand lifts before you know it and lightly cup his warm cheek, wanting to pull away yet his head also seemed to reach instantly, cooling his cheek with your palm before you successfully tug it away to your lap.

“i’m (y/n).” you try to not make your lips quiver whilst pointing to the name tag pinned on your uniform vest. yet, you seemed to be so hyperaware as you still sensed his knee touching yours. that is when something envelops your cool hand, making you let out such a silent hiss as the boy across from you is also catching on to things that are culminating into your first true meeting with him. the boy who stood across from you in the train, only glancing at each other yet it creates such a huge emotion in yourself that you’ve never felt in a long time.

“soobin,” he replied, following you by leaning one side of his body so you could read his name clearly. his hand still gently rests on top of yours when you can sense his pulse pumping in a quick yet steady rhythm.

“metro line 7,” you mumbled and felt his thumb caressing the back of your hand.

“cheongdam and ttukseom park,” he said, threatening to smile as you held it down when your mind kicked in. and as a reply, you slowly flipped your hand as his palm rested on top of yours, gently locking your finger between his as he does the same.

“do you also see them?” your eyes flick upwards to be in contact with his, “the vision when you daydream or dream at night? the vision when our train rides to the bridge when we go back home?”

“yes” you don’t hesitate to answer, nodding to emphasize it more as you lick your lips to continue, “i see you there too.”

“i also see you. there’s one with this orange light all around us, yet the view of the things surrounding us are-“

“blurry.” you complete his sentence. “blurry that it seemed to resemble a shield of some sort.”

“exactly.” soobin replied, his curled fingers curled between yours holding so tight that it made you adapt to his pulse.

“to be a, a monarch is something i didn’t expect from this.” your chuckle is echoed by his as you find a hint of dimples on his cheek as he nods. something you wish you could notice quicker if you want to stand closer in the train covered by people also on their way home after doing their activities for the day.

“yet, it all seems to be true. and they could confirm that it was us too. i’ve seen jinsoul multiple times than i’ve ever expected.” he finishes his thought and you answer by nodding. you let out your breath openly, calming your expression as your fingers twitch from the nerve of holding soobin’s hand—or him holding yours.

“i don’t see a way for us to do other than believing them. being thrust into this position...” you sigh, now realizing just how suffocating the many expectations all of this is, especially with what you have faced in life outside this. and how you can't see a way to get back home in the near future.

“i, i’ll be here with you. i know how you feel.” his voice pierces through your clouded thoughts like a beam of light. his eyes rapidly move as he takes in every information. “and i think we should ask more questions about all of this when we meet all three of the keepers or whatever they call each other.”

you gulped before a small smile quickly shows from his relaxed face while ending part of the sentence. following you, he also shows a small smile that decorates his facial features beautifully. that’s when you lifted your eyes to finally notice the dark presence behind soobin.

the very shadowy being you’ve seen drawn on the paper.

its head is at the tippy top of the body, looking like a pillar that you have to tilt your head backward so much to find its eyes. some part of the shadow that seemed to resemble a dangling set of hair also blows along even with the little breeze. unconsciously, your grip on his hand tightened and curled even further. blinking your eyes and shaking your head seemed to work as you find the shadow gone for this time—you recognize that this spiritual fellow might not leave you at all just like when you see it for the first time back when you were 6.

shaking away from the influence, you stare back at soobin, who also has his eyes looking elsewhere from you and the environment surrounding both of you. his hold competes with your grip as you recognize he might also see another shadow figure. well, the shadow that is behind you.

“hey... hey...” you speak, at least helping him to stay grounded as he blinks quickly before facing you and that’s when you felt a seemingly hard push on your shoulder, instantly relieved as he caught onto your eye contact. you could also see his eyes glistening from whatever he looked at behind you. and with that, you try to compose yourself. giving a small squeeze to the hand holding soobin’s as he follows your breathing exercise. your mind is now clear from the unnecessary information as you and soobin settle in this very part of the woods. the white noise from rustling leaves clears your mind and increases the overall ambient of what you are doing. staring at each other as you breathe in the same calming rhythm.

“your majesties...” the soft voice of jinsoul’s makes both of your heads turn, noticing that most of the people have disappeared and only staggers remain.

“we could go now. we’ll be bringing you to your home,” her soft smile assures you as you take a long breath before standing up, turning your head towards soobin as only the lingering touch of your fingertips connected you to him.

“well, shall we?” you let out a little smile, watching the way your hand sleeve slides down for a bit because of gravity, touching soobin’s hand with a little caress. and your smile widens as said hand adjusts to wrap with yours as the owner stands up. both of you now following the path heading outside of the forest that greets you and the train that you arrived from.

-

with what soobin has seen through the orange-filtered and blurry visions of the place he can’t comprehend to actually be in, he didn’t expect such familiar yet intricate shapes in such a fantastic atmosphere.

he walks upon a road made by bricks, buildings standing tall until the maximum of three floors let the wind flow in between them. their design incorporating much of the familiar architectural design that he had watched from some videos on youtube. but the blocks upon blocks full of buildings remind him more of seoul, especially where he goes to school in gangnam. blue-tinted glass walls replaced with a look that combines natural but also regality, but it also has a traditional-looking shape, especially in the usage of wood as frames and floors to the roof that are still made of tiles—unlike most of seoul’s buildings and apartments.

the path he walks on—though partially destroyed—would still be considered clean. no trash other than rock debris or the black puddles are present. the road is wide enough to carry items, as he also came across vehicles that look like carts. but its walkable paths are the main highlight as he came across dirty war-torn parks and a familiar plaza. the plaza where he sees you beside him and you both hold hands.

well, his hand is still connected to yours as you both walk, following jinsoul’s bright blonde hair. your grip with each other so tight that it makes soobin think that his other thoughts about the whole of this may be true. yet, the sight of the town on this very magical island captivated him more. and because of that, he didn’t see the very place that jinsoul is bringing him and you to.

it is evident by the presence of fences that this is supposed to be his palace. its features blend too well that it doesn’t look like what a palace would appear. yet, the existing yards were big enough to be little parks said otherwise.

stepping through the gate full of many people—some wearing outfits similar to lip and are bowing their bodies to both of you—soobin tilts his head as he gazes upon the palace jinsoul said is home for both of you. makeshift barriers created using wood panels and hay bales as the yard is filled with more of what he had seen in the forest. more humanoids with their unique features litter around the ground as they settle down and continue to... live. he heard sounds of children laughing as it sends shivers down his spine, before he felt a sudden grip on his hand, looking back at you who has turned your head to him, a small pout formed with your lips with a little tilt on your head.

“your majesties!”

both you and he face forward as a figure rushing down the steps from the palace door. she also has blonde hair, though not as light as lip and jinsoul, hers has a brunette shine through it. her outfit looks more like similar to the uniforms he and you are wearing than the dress jinsoul is wearing and the armor lip has worn. then, he sees it: the purple heterochromia eye resembling jinsoul’s blue.

the figure curtsies in front of you, her youthful aura exuding that it can make him believe if she introduces herself as younger than both of you. yet, standing beside jinsoul, he can sense the camaraderie between them and maybe also lip.

“this is choerry-“

“i am choerry.” she cuts jinsoul as she stepped forward, pushing her hand towards you who is also staring at her, making you connect your hand with the covered sleeve with hers as you shake it before she changes to soobin. his eyes were still looking at your hand a few seconds longer before her voice cut in again.

“keeper and usually taking care more on the cleaning, construction, and social side. other than these two, who are more serious.” she points her thumb towards jinsoul and also lip, who has now joined you. soobin lets out a small smile as he sees both the other keepers rolling their eyes at choerry who is cleaning her fallen hair, letting him see the distinct pointed ears of the keepers that he had counted for.

“we have cleaned your bedroom and much of the important areas inside the palace, especially with your arrival. my team and i are also planning to help clean up and prepare for the rest of the viliyans to settle here first, until much more of the town is safe from the umbraes.” choerry spoke in a lengthy speech, getting the right note and rhythm like she has prepared for this moment.

“the umbraes?” yet, you catch something that he didn’t.

“ah- yes.” choerry stopped before turning to jinsoul.

“we have to catch both of you up on the situation here in viliya. so, may we go inside to the meeting room, choerry?” the blue-eyed girl asked.

“certainly. follow me,” choerry turned her body around, and he sees jinsoul and lip following her a few steps behind. he sensed a tug on his hand as he followed your moving body up the flight of stairs to the entrance of the palace. his and yours palace as what choerry implied. the door does blend in with the other doors around, but this one is bigger in height and width.

footsteps echo as he is met with a large room that has spots of colors coming from the glass ceilings above. a long hall greets him as he looks at the end of the room and finds what looks to be two similar-looking chairs. dust and debris scatter around the room, yet it still creates a clear path towards the seats at the end of the corridor. a throne room. a throne room for him and you.

his hand felt lighter as he gazed down to find it empty, before he tilted to find you a few steps in front. your head leaning back as you gaze at the light entering from the glass ceiling, squinting your eyes because of it, yet you continue. seeing how the colors decorate your face, soobin can sense the thumping from his heart and his body getting warm.

ever since he looked across from where he stood on the very train and saw you, he had always felt the same thing. and it grows to his cheek, always getting warm as he takes slight glances at you. you with your recognizable uniform and wired earbuds, unlike his bluetooth headphones, tugging the signature black hand sleeves that cover both of your forearms. soobin always notice a tug showing up every time he stepped inside the train to find you, either when you both are departing to gangnam when his eyes are finding you as you stepped inside the train or on the way home where he had already guessed your position on the door across the set of seats from where he is standing.

he also spots that you felt the tremors that he felt every time the train moves after cheongdam station. his tall stature let him hold on to the handle dangling from the bars connected to the car’s ceiling. your eyes glance at the dots above the door, watching the red dot showing up one by one as it gets nearer and nearer to the bridge, before he peeks at the one closest to him. in that moment, soobin detected there is an electricity between you two. that even if you both only share glances, it seems like you are connected by it. and it happens so many times that when he sees your beautiful figure across from him, he can already feel his stress slipping away.

when you mentioned dreams while you figure out what jinsoul said, soobin put the pieces together for the visions he got. every keyword you spoke pulls out the specific vision of what is mentioned. ruined buildings. shadows seeping and obscured sight. but also of a blurry sight with orange ambience. the only clear thing from it is you, in a flowy white blouse, holding hands with him.

“soobin?”

he blinks his eyes as he looks forward to find you turning your body to face him, hands holding onto your school backpack that is also reflected on him. there is a set of doors opened beside the area with the chairs, where he can see the three keepers gazing at both of you. soobin shakes his head and strides towards you, making a smile lift on your face as you walk beside him towards the door where the keepers are.

soobin didn’t expect such a vast catalogue of books to decorate the walls of this room. its ceiling is high as he views the balcony where more bookshelves are before he landed on the circular table at the center of the room. some of the scribbles and black stains he saw on lip’s table are there. beside them, a stack of books and papers that is approached by jinsoul—he can already guess by the vibe that it must be hers.

two chairs are there side by side as choerry brings a moving board with what looks to be notes and lines connecting pieces of information. all are connected to a thick word, written multiple times on top of each other: umbrae.

“welcome, king soobin and queen (y/n), to viliya.” choerry started as jinsoul and lip sat down on their respective chair. putting his backpack down by his legs like in a classroom, he can feel the weight of his shoulders relax as he moves his body and sits down on the cushioned seat. you also sit on the other chair beside him, choerry’s hum can be picked up.

“let’s get to the chase then,” choerry claps her hands, but the loud ring trembles in the room that soobin can perceive the dusts falling down in front of him, making him look up to view the hole in the room's corner, letting the sun ray in brighter than even the lights coming from the windows. the three also look up, and he can hear them grimace in their own ways.

“as we can see from the destruction, we are in a war against these creatures,” choerry pointed with her finger as she highlights the name. “we call them umbraes as they are shadow creatures. from what lip and her team got from observation, umbrae stay in groups where they don’t allow any light to pass through them. some will separate and mold into various familiar and unfamiliar shapes; creating a quick lapse in judgement from people seeing them before they retreat.”

“yet, what they see differs from what others see. all three of us see different images from them, even from the same blob.” jinsoul added, a grit in her voice like she was holding back from not exploding when saying her thoughts.

“even with these lapses of judgement, not all will retreat. some will stay and stand quietly as the umbrae slithers to them and touching them, usually on their arms, before someone saves them.” lip completed the explanation.

soobin looks down at his hands that are on top of the table, rubbing them as he internalizes the information as best as he can. the blob that changes its shape according to the person who sees it. no person can see the exact same thing. the umbrae create a sudden lapse in judgement of people that make them want to retreat, even some staying because of that.

if it is like that, then why does he see the boy that has been with him since he was little here?

the boy wasn’t supposed to be here in the first place. he always stays back at home—well, wherever home is for soobin now that he is always nomadic, moving to grandpa’s house. the boy was always in the hallway, looking back at him as they both held on to a bunny plushie, its appearance distracting him from the disturbing sounds coming from the living room where his mother was. her shadows tangled with other people as soobin grits his teeth, not letting the unpleasant sound of moans and groans bother him anymore. yet, it stays even until the present time.

when he found the boy showing up again in the environment so weird to what soobin used to see, his eyes wavered. your figure was straying to the tables as you observed the papers when he caught onto the familiar silhouette right across from them. and again as you and he sit together. hands holding onto each other as you give words of reassurance. he saw your eyes lifting, gazing above his head as you both compete to out-grip each other. that’s because he was also doing the same thing, gazing at the familiar shadow boy who is sitting on top of your shoulders. its arms settle lightly on your head, that you seemed to not notice, holding onto something akin to a stuffed toy just like soobin usually sees it with. when he flicks his eyes towards you, your touch overcoming his senses: the shadow disappeared instantly.

“then they affect all of us. the images.” soobin stumbles his words as they turn their head towards him. he rubs his fingers with the palms soothingly. “do you have any more information about them?”

“as of right now, this,” lip points towards the board, “is what we summarize. our people are also researching them this very instant, especially if we want to beat them.”

silence covers the room as soobin lets himself think. leadership isn’t a foreign concept to him. having been class president for most of the time, he feels familiarity with it. but the title of king itself is strange. the title itself can be derived that you are a leader so great, people respect you that way. yet, soobin never sensed that before. his mom is always before him in almost everything. her wants and needs. that makes soobin always retreat to his grandpa’s home, conversing with him even until past midnight even if the next day he still has school. the dad of his mom who seems to be the better parent out of the two, yet he still doesn’t want soobin to stay with him all the time,

“your mom is still here. she still wants you to be there.”

does she? does she even think about him that way when all soobin could see is her being tangled in various limbs of foreign men and women all the time with unknown substances entering her body? he is the one taking care of her more than what she supposed to before he travels back into the safe place that is their shared bedroom he could call his cause mom always has a rotating door system where anyone will step in.

“i would,” his thoughts were cut off as he tilted his head, looking at your beautiful side profile that is shone by the light entering the room.

“i would like to ask,” you nibble on your bottom lip, “every being here on viliya has their own abilities, like, all of you,” you extend your open palm to point towards the three blonde woman, “have your own uniqueness. yet, soobin and i,” he caught your eyes as you give a small glance at him with a small, yet nervous smile, “we are just regular human. but we are monarchs?”

all three of the elven girls all staring at each other as you and soobin watch, his eyes looking at choerry who nods her head to jinsoul before going to lip, doing the exact same thing. jinsoul’s look still seems so steady, as if she is pulling out the speech in her mind cabinet of the right words to say. as she knew she would be asked this very question.

“our kingdom of viliya has various humanoid. us with our elf ears. people with wings, horns, animal hybrids, tails, and more. these traits come to all of us, except for both of you. as far as the history of this world, both of you are the only fully human beings we have known. your ancestors are our ancestors that are still pure. even if we have different abilities with our traits, such as the ability to fly or have more strength, humans are much more capable of everything equally. strength, agility, intelligence, charisma, and wisdom.” jinsoul connects both of her hands on the table, the grip is reassuring about everything she just said. “your capability to be anything is the reason both of you are our monarchs.”

is it?

soobin never seemed to feel special as a regular human, nor even feeling special between the humans themselves. his introverted side makes him much more blend in with the walls of his class rather than with a bunch of people. his eyes gazed at the numerous people with their own stories they are living through while he stayed as a spectator. being human, for him, is painful. he hates how he can feel so much being exposed to such vile things where he has to be numb. he doesn’t even know the idea of love between humans when the only one he got exposed to explicitly is with his mother and her various paramours. being human is to acknowledge everything and nothing on the same path, focusing on a path that will just double down on survival.

being in between humanoids while you are a regular human will be weird. what is it to admire when you are alongside people more capable than you are in various ways?

the boy turned his head to glance at you once again, noticing how you remain silent yet with a bit of your eyebrows furrowed—thinking back on the words the keepers had said to your question. his glance turns down towards your hands, one of them rubbing against the sleeve that covered your forearm. your nails are picking through the woven material when he glimpses a shadowy line peeking from the top near your elbow.

being human is focusing on a path that is doubling down on survival. and that is the core of what you then say next.

“if you don’t know many things about them, maybe i can help?”

creaking chair sounds filled the room as the keepers all turned towards you, shifting their position with their colorful eyes widened.

“we can divide jobs. i’ll be outside with lip to observe the umbraes. while soobin here can help with figuring out what to fix and accommodating the refugees. he is the king.”

and you are the queen, he wanted to say. hoping that by saying that, that you’ll be by his side more. you’re an even more of a leader than he is. he doesn’t want to let you go because this is the first time he had ever stood so close to you, unlike the regular occurrences on the train.

yet, when he looks at how you’re steeling yourself; holding onto your opinion, he seemed to agree. many things have happened to him recently, and he needs a break. maybe taking on a more earth-bounding activity is much better than being on the battlefield in his state of mind.

“be careful,” he whispered out when he turned his head towards you. you mirrored him, beautiful trembling eyes staring at him as you let out a small smile. a familiar warmth enveloped his hand that comes from you once again.

“i’ll get back to you.” you brush your thumb against his hand.

still in both of your school attire with a difference of all the items inside your bag are now held by jinsoul; you let lip put things into your backpack as you tug your forearm sleeves back up as soobin watches on with the other two keepers beside him. glancing back at him before stepping out into the town, you give a small yet endearing smile towards him as he shows up with a tinge of melancholy. the rattling of the gate pushes him out of his trance from looking at your retreating figure, then looking at the other two beside him.

“can i, uh, take a short break first?”

“of course, your majesty.” jinsoul spoke as she looked at choerry, who said, “i’ll be giving you the list of things to do when you are ready.”

“thank you,” he replied, making the other two bow their head before retreating inside. soobin lets out a tremendous sigh as he glances upwards at the sky. seeing the star that this island’s planet is orbiting nearly setting, he walked towards the terrace overlooking the courtyard where the viliyans will stay until it is safe enough for some of them to go back to their homes. he pulls the straps of his backpack as he settles down on the steps leading down to the open space, the star crawling down near the line of forest beyond the space and buildings.

opening the zipper of his front pocket, he grabbed onto the two items he had that would always successfully calm him down. the familiar flicking noise enters his ear as he nears the fire towards the end of the cigarette, inhaling the first smoke to let the fire on before he lets go and the fire dies off, satiating his nicotine needs that he had since he was so young.

soobin didn’t have a perfect upbringing, you see. born without a father there, the little baby was already addicted to nicotine as his mom didn’t stop smoking during her pregnancy—having to be treated by the hospital in more weeks when he learned from his grandpa that he was the one being there while his mom got out as fast as she could after the doctor said “yes, you can go now.” even with that happening still, his mom still doesn’t want him to go back to her father and still lets him stay in the house. that’s when he first heard sounds of monsters at night when he wants to go to sleep, a loud screaming similar to his own, yet more exasperated. it haunts him all the time, and he cried himself to sleep most of the time, his mom doing something in the other room.

when he was a bit older, he noticed more and more faces entering and exiting his house. he stood there with his tiny legs as he peeks from behind the doorframe, seeing how the owner of the face he saw today has his body tangled with his mom, her face lets out a look that he had seen from books to be known as surprised with a rhythmic sound coming from them. and he heard it all the time since then, before even learning that what he is seeing is the act of sex. those glimpses of memory are stuck in his mind as he sees his mom more like that than her in clothes, and bringing him to see his grandpa. because of that, he had to bear it for himself. passing by the group of people in his “living” room to the kitchen where he could eat his dinner. learning about that in fifth grade, he didn’t think that topic was taboo, unlike the many boys around him giggling with themselves as they see an illustration of a female body. yet he understands now what he has been seeing since he was so young and what can result from that.

yet he wonders. his mom never got pregnant again.

soobin got introduced to cigarettes when he slipped out of the fifth-grade class to see a bunch of sixth graders, hiding near the back of the school. he smelled a familiar smell from home as he turned to see the older boys staring at him. expecting them to be annoyed and disgusted if soobin decides to snitch on them, one of them approaches him as he offers the burning stick.

“wanna try?”

tasting the substance for the first time was disgusting, he was coughing up the smoke alongside some phlegm that was stuck there. however, the warmth coming from it surges deep down inside, heating up his inner side that has been cold for a long time. his senses become sharper. every caress on his fingertips is something so detailed. so he started doing more. he made a deal with the older boys by doing all of their homework at that time to get one pack of cigarettes filled with 10 sticks. because of that, soobin never chain smokes. he always savoured every cigarette he had ever burned because he didn’t know when he would get another pack. that is until he decided to grab one from his mom’s drawer, and she didn’t notice it vanished.

when he ran away from home, backpack zippers jingling against each other into the setting sky. he arrived at his grandpa's house to knock on his door. 10 times knocking with no answer. getting cold, he sat down on the entrance patio looking towards the quiet street and pulled out the pack and lighter that the older boys gave him before they graduated, thanking him for the time and for helping them even with such a miniscule thing. the smoke covers the clear sky from his sight as he senses the tingling feeling on the back of his throat, a breeze touching his ankle from his middle school pants that are getting too short because of his growing body. soobin closed his eyes, letting the cigarette and nature’s smells combine for him to inhale, not noticing the sound of the rumbling old sedan parking in the car park.

opening his eyes, he sees the familiar grey-headed man from inside the driver’s seat, looking back at him as soobin immediately pulls the stick and crushes it with the sole of his shoe. but his grandpa was just sitting there, a somewhat smirk on his lips as he shook his head.

with a hot, steaming noodle in front of him replacing the cigarette’s warmth, he sat across his grandpa on the dining table who had his own bowl. soobin bit the inside of his cheek. the expectation of his grandpa being angry at him for smoking at 13 was not fulfilled as he does his usual thing when his grandson comes to visit, his eyes communicating to the younger that he seemed to understand why soobin did it in the first place. the same look on the older’s face still visible as they settle to eat dinner, and so, soobin speaks.

“could i stay with you? i don’t think i can’t live with mom anymore when she is like... that...” the boy’s voice getting quieter in the end. hesitance bubbling inside him spontaneously.

“i would like that...” the older’s gritty voice said, “but your mother will search for you and i don’t want to fight her again.”

soobin furrowed his eyebrows, putting the pin on the word “again” for him to ask next. and with that, his grandpa told him anything soobin could know at that time in straightforward words, a complete contrast with his daughter’s more long-winded words with layers of secret hidden in between their spaces. how she wanted to abort the baby, but the doctor said that it would endanger her more. how choi soobin was conceived with one of the random man his mom got it with. how she realized now she has a child. it gave her an advantage when it comes to taxes and costs. how grandpa choi—mom’s father—wanted to get his grandson under his care, yet his daughter decided to do a temper tantrum, threatening to take her own and the little baby boy’s life if her dad continued.

how his mom decided to sterilize herself, not wanting ever to get pregnant again.

the brain inside the boy goes into overdrive as he disassociates himself, staring at him outside of his body, as he thinks of the implications of what has transpired from his mom and his grandpa. his heart aches without a clear reason, the steam of the noodle broth doesn’t help in calming him down anymore, and he looks straight at his grandpa who has a steady face yet creases in between her eyebrows and the familiar shadow of the little boy standing beside his chair.

starting from that day, soobin spends his time outside of his mom’s house. not wanting to hear her moan that is crushing him more, the sight of needles left there as the living room looks more like a crack house. the sight of the different people entering his home every night after his mom finished her restaurant and bar waiting job for nearly a decade now. his head leaning against the wall on the other side of the living room, where his mom is having sex, his eyes and fists closed as he had to hold on for a bit to grab something from the fridge to snack on while he does his homework. every time he is not at school—both morning and evening, he will go home to stay at his grandpa’s house 15 minutes away from his mom’s, taking care of him with his house chores just like the older one is taking care of his grandson by providing him food. grandpa was the one that gave him his wireless headphones, noticing how his grandson likes to experiment with his collections of vinyl discs that have specks of dust on them.

since that day, he started to dream something. flickers of lush greenery standing in harmony beside buildings. silhouettes of people with horns and wings against an intricate wall. the sight of small waves grazing his feet on the sand. a reflection of seeing him older, taller, seemingly wiser in the reflection of a window overlooking such a beautiful town that is unlike the neighborhood he lives in.

grandpa’s house is the closest place for him to go to the seoul metro to school in the contrasting greater gangnam area. soobin doesn’t even want to know his mom get a connection for him to go there. a school so cold, yet he also knows that they produced outstanding students who will do various things to improve his country. if his grandpa didn’t allow him to eat his meals at his home, he would’ve ridden another seoul metro line instead of the olive green he is riding now. he won’t see the visions in the train that seemed to complete more and more of the dreams he had since he was young. he would’ve not seen you, the girl that starts to make his dream make sense when your blurry self becomes clearer.

the skin of his fingers is hotter as soobin lets out another puff of smoke, glancing down at the stick to see it nearly burning the line of the filter between his mouth and the tobacco. soobin gently throws the butt by his shoes, crushing it on the step of the stair until it is flat before he pinches it with his finger and put it on the side of the step near the bushes. he eyes the settlements that are growing as the orange sky mixed with purple as night comes. his first night here in the town he leads and called home a lifetime ago.

“your majesty?”

soobin tilts his head to see choerry looking down at his sitting figure, her eyes flickering between him and the flat cigarette butt on the edge of the step with a tight lip smile.

“some people have started to make dinner. i would like to cordially invite you to join them. you have eaten nothing since you’ve arrived, and we would wait for the queen, lip, and the others to come then.”

the mention of you makes his breath hitch, gulping the heavy smoky taste inside his mouth cavern. he glances forward once again, seeing the familiar sight of the people he saw in the forest now seemingly happier with the larger space. it much resembles more of a scene in a movie he watched, never seen it with his own eyes. soobin’s stomach suddenly grumbles, making choerry chuckle as the boy’s height standing taller when he finally stands up. using his open palm and gestures towards the courtyard for her to lead the way.

many more people bowed at him as he walked by, their various eyes full of sparkles as they took a glimpse of him. he was still in his school uniform and backpack hanging on his shoulders. soobin’s eyes go to an enormous cauldron heated by a bonfire underneath it, the bubbling boiling of what looks to be vegetable soup looks like a delight, reminding him of his grandpa’s love of stews, soups, and broths. a woman with ears and nose that look more like a doe and her fawn curling up behind her, his head on her shoulder, letting him view the approaching king makes him grin.

“look, mother! the king!” the little doe mentions as his giddiness shakes his mother’s body. with steady hands, she grabs a makeshift bowl made from coconut and pours in a ladle full of delicious soup towards soobin.

“i’ll be giving you another scoop, your majesty. it must have been a journey to finally be here,” the woman says as soobin lets out his dimple smile, earning chuckles from people around him at how sweet he looks.

“thank you. and yes, it has been a long journey,” he replies.

his figure glides towards the bigger space where people are scattered around and sitting on the grass to eat and slurp up the soup he holds in his hands. gulping down his saliva, the people he was looking at turned their heads to see their king approaching closer to the seat. jinsoul and choerry following behind him as they reached one long bench similar to those benches he sees in the cafeteria. raising his long leg up to slot on the other side of the bench, the people all were darting towards him as he settled down the bowl on the table.

pouting his lips, soobin can feel the tension growing within him, reminding him of the times he had to publicly speak in front of people for class and performing on stage for a school talent performance that every student must go through. his hands subconsciously rubbed together as he only took brief looks towards the surrounding people—identifying their uniqueness in comparison to him. yet, as the sun sets and night comes, the color also changes. the dark seems to be more purple, popping out the color from every object visible, creating a rainbow full of colors. the colors get brighter, their tints making them have a white outline, especially with white lights of the street lamps, the fires on the candles, torches, and lanterns, and also the white of his uniform buttoned-up shirt.

beautiful is the word that comes to mind when soobin sees this. it has a calming effect that helps soothe his beating heart even for just a bit. then he lets out a huge sigh and places his hands against the wooden table. turning his head to both sides to see the two keepers expecting him, pushing him to do so.

“viliyans,” the demonym seemed to flow easily out of his mouth like he had said it for a long time now. “i’m soobin or as you might know me as the king of this town.” he taps his feet on the ground.

“island town.” jinsoul added beside him.

“island town.” soobin repeats, nodding his head to thank her, “and, well, i am...” he opens his palms and points toward his body. tracing up and down his body. “i don’t look like your typical royal look right now, as i am learning as much about this, where you all have known about this for a long time. and i...” soobin pauses, yet the words itch in his mouth that he has to continue.

“i have to apologize for not being here in a long time. i know you might find me or (y/n), the queen, as these amazing people, even though i know we might not be them. both of us are high school students who are facing adulthood and we... i don’t know where to go next...”

the gaze of him is heavy as he looks in between the people sitting on the benches, the mother and son standing by the cauldron as they are also in a pause to hear him speak.

“but believe me when i say that i will try my best for these war efforts against the shadows.” soobin glances upwards with a sharp fiery look, pining it to the sight of the people. “the move from the forest to even the castle’s courtyard is revolutionary in a why that we are one step nearer to the enemi’s line. the soldiers and keepers are working to figure out how to beat the umbraes.”

soobin takes a peek down, looking at the steamy bowl of soup, before looking up, “i hope that the people of viliya will support us.” then he closed his eyes, bracing for any reaction that could come from his messy speech.

instead, he picked up multiple claps in the dark room. colors start to bloom as it looks like fireworks behind the lid of his eyes when he heard the sound of cheering, creating a cacophony of harmony. the eyelids are open slowly, the color is familiar as he saw this in a dream before. an orange-ish color of the sky with a tinge of vignette. he eyes the people one by one, trailing through the faces before grabbing his bowl. lifting it up, the people followed as they raised their own bowls or cups. the delicious smell makes soobin tilt the container against his lip, letting him swallow the food that warms his stomach. he hears the slurps coming from around him. following him.

their proof of being loyal.

soobin places the bowl down as he grabs his spoon, spinning the vegetables inside the soup to let it seep the tasty broth. his eyes looked at the other table around him. a few of the people were still queuing up to get their meal before he focused back on the gate that led outside of the castle grounds. it opens slightly, allowing a few people in to take refuge. but that’s when he saw the people near the gate move towards it, crowding it as something, some people, goes inside while holding onto each other.

that’s when he saw you, heaving lip’s body up with her arm behind your shoulders.

he stands up and gets out of the seat as fast as he could, making the people around him turn their heads to see what’s happening. the footsteps on the grassy area make him hear his crunchy footsteps. steps are also following behind him as he took a quick glance on both sides to find both choerry and jinsoul striding towards the other two. soobin notices the dark goo even on your black school uniform vest. the keepers walk faster than him, reaching you and lip as they hold on to her. lip look... empty.

numb.

stepping closer, he can finally hear you as you bowed, hands on your knees as you heaved to breathe in. he can’t help but to stand closer, now standing in front of you as he gently reaches out. he had to hold you. he had to comfort you somehow, like you do him.

yet, when you lift your upper body, leaning your head to let him see the entirety of your face, feeling your hand shaking against his, soobin finally just how glassy your eyes are. their outer corners pointing downward with your furrowed eyebrows. a look that he had worn before many times in his life.

“the umbraes... they,” you gulped, “they feed off of fear.”

-

the night breeze entered through the open window, grazing your skin. yet you stayed there, sitting and looking at the empty wall in front of you. hands gripping onto the soft sheets as you tremble.

the view of vast darkness is imprinted into your mind. remembering every step you put down as you reached the other side of town, saturated colors creeping out from a shadowy, hazy side. your fingers are digging into your palm as you stood beside lip, observing the wall of shadow as the breeze grazes your exposed legs. then, it started.

tendrils started to poke out of the shadow with dots of white on them, landing on the space in front of you as you heard footsteps from the guards that were tasked to keep you safe start to shuffle. the tendrils got cut off from the source as you couldn’t take your eyes off of it. it erects itself as you also see other blobs starting to form as well. shapeshifting into large and small beings.

one depicts a wall of waves incoming, going towards one side of the guards as you turned your head to hear the gasps. moving your body, you look at the rest of the guards getting damp by the slimy texture before surging towards the panicking soldier, cowering on the ground as little tendrils come out of the silhouette and wrap around the soldier’s arm. the horror on their face makes you shiver as you push the blob hard enough for it to scurry into the bigger shadow. the soldier’s eyes were closed as you tried to help them sit up, making the other guards help their mate as you then picked up more screams.

turning your body, you view the harrowing scenery of multiple umbraes approaching each person in different shapes and sizes. one umbrae specific to one person. you keep track of their expressions as the umbrae approaches. depicting wide eyes, flared nostrils, and a sense of flight response you are all too familiar with. a voice penetrates your thoughts as you shift your head once again to where you were standing before, seeing lip being covered by a shadowy blob on her arm as she stood her ground, yet grimacing. approaching as fast as you could, you see the shape of the umbrae as little spiders climbing around her skin.

adrenaline pushes you as you grab the weird texture and throws them on the ground near their shadowy haven. yet, this blob didn’t go back like the other ones. lip was scratching her arms so much that it turned red as you helped to hold her hands. not wanting to make it worse. yet the situation seems to be more dire than ever before. the guards were able to push back, attacking with their weapons as best as they could. but their leader stood behind you, hands gripped tightly on your arm as you turned back to face the wall of darkness, breathing quick because of your pounding heart.

then you see it, the blob transforming right before you into the shadow that haunts you. the figure standing so tall that you have to lean your head back. hair-like tendrils flowing in front of the body as you can see in between them. two white lights at the top making its appearance humanoid, yet you cannot identify what is behind the curtain. you could hear your teeth chatter as it grows bigger before you. specifically for you. yet, you can also hear lip’s whimper from behind you. such a brave girl now cowering and your brain connects the relations to all of it, as it also rattles you.

that they attack by becoming something a certain person is afraid of. that include yours.

you could recognize fear in an instant as it has been on your face in the times so hard that you become numb to it. the exact expression you’ve seen when you look into the towering mirror in your little body. splotches of colors on your arms and legs when you can hear people bickering at the back that rattles along with pots and pans, knowing that you couldn’t do anything because they don’t even think of you seriously. that is when you try to lift your head up high as you see the shadowy figure standing behind you, covering the torn wallpaper with its body, as you could feel a graze of their touch on your back.

even if the umbrae represents fear as it shows up alongside lip’s spiders—which she clarifies she was afraid of—it gives a sense of unease comfort for you. the shadow being has been there, like it is waiting for you, watching along your activities. yet, seeing it still gives a bitter taste in your mouth, especially that sting in your head as flashes of memories of the earliest time you’ve seen it show up. then, it continues as your body also stings, remembering every hit and cut you’ve gotten by the people that have semblance to you. before you see them lifeless as the shadow stood on the other side of the hallway.

you were 13. starting your middle school with a numbness to yourself as the same thing that happened in elementary also happens. one of your teachers nagging you to take your cardigan off because you have to stick to uniformity, sneakily taking it off for a quick moment before your homeroom teacher tells him that you are a sickly child and you are allowed to wear a cardigan; knowing she has done the same and found spots on your arms. your homeroom teacher introduces you to the arm sleeves, saying to you that even if you like wearing the same black cardigan all the time, using it interchangeably will be greater. and it grows until today just as your arms become longer, making you buy a bunch more of arm sleeves that you change weekly. especially when the cause of your spots is not here anymore and it has been replaced by something else, something that elevates the hurt and fear you’ve been facing when you were younger.

the black arm sleeves that cover your forearms are still there, their tightness contrasts the flowy white pajama shirt that choerry gave for you to wear. its color has a tinge of neon to it as jinsoul says about an ultraviolet aspect of the night in villiya as you could see your white school shirt glowing underneath your vest, alongside soobin’s. the moonlight cast through the open ceiling corner of the room, lighting up the space in a glow that creates a dreamy look. your eyes gaze at the spotlight, trailing to the dust floating and highlighted for you to see better.

a soft touch caresses your hand, making you turn your head to the side and take a glimpse of the boy that you’ve always seen across from you. now very close. he hugged you as your body continued to shake, his inner warmth wrapping you like a truly warm blanket, something you don’t recognise. he reaches out towards your side of the bed in the room, a request of yours so that he doesn’t have to sleep on the dusty sofa. soobin wears the same pajama set as you are. he smelled of a combination of a fresh lemon but with a tinge of smoky scent—a familiar scent you’ve heard lingering around the room where your aunt and uncle live.

his reminder makes you move as you let out a huge sigh, lifting your legs as it rests on the soft mattress before tugging them into the comforter, laying your head slowly onto the pillow before looking around the room, finding your school uniform on the sofa alongside the boy’s, creating a symmetry alongside both of your backpacks. looking at the ceiling, the bed ruffles as a tiny breeze hits your hand before being covered by the warmth of both the comforter and soobin. glancing from the corner of your eye, soobin lays down on his side, an arm of his rested in the space between you and him. his head rested on the pillow on one side as he still waits patiently after what you said during dinner. to finish all of that shenanigans before returning to the bedroom where you both can have a talk about this.

“well...” you started, shifting your head to the side to copy soobin. “i piece things up. all the umbraes- they’re...” your eyes cast downwards along the space between yours and his body, “they gather into this gigantic wall of darkness before they come out one by one. a big shape with a dot of white in them before they transformed. it’s, i recognize just by the looks on their faces they are afraid...”

“lip, who was looking so brave when we met her, becomes so... petrified.” you continue after shifting your upper body. your arm lies down underneath your body for a more comfortable position. soobin’s eyes are skittering as it moves all over the place, between your face, your hand, and more. he lets out an understanding hum, and he then questions.

“what did you see?” his eyes instantly widen as he lifts the free hand on the pillow, his facial expression changes to deny and take back what he said, but was stopped as your nearest hand reaches his, connecting your palm with each other as you can sense warmth.

“it’s okay. it is a justified question given we’re in this situation...” another sigh comes out of you after that, a slight moment that allows you to recollect your words to describe the monstrosity that haunts. “i see a figure. like a woman with long hair almost reaching the floor, hunching forward so the hair covers the front of the body. yet...”

you felt the boy’s fingers slide in between yours, giving a gentle grip that soothes you as he heard how your breathing is wavering. “yet, i can see a glimpse of its white dots resembling eyes peeking between the hair strands. but with this one, it is large. larger than i’ve ever seen before when i see on the end of the room or behind me when i look at my own reflection.”

“but you stop it. you successfully flee out of the situation...”

“yet someone got hurt. their face is trauma-inducing that i can’t even imagine feeling it myself. especially with,“ you stopped yourself before you say too much. the boy seemingly did not notice as he continues to calm you, fingers now lock with yours as he uses his thumb to rub soothing patterns on the back of your hand. “yet, i can get rid of the spiders on lip’s arm.”

“you don’t fear spiders?” he asked.

you used to. but when you lived in a house so untidy and unkempt, little critters will live with you. you used to be disgusted by the sight of a spider on the corner of the room, creating their web there to collect other insects to digest and to reproduce. yet, why should you fear spiders who are trying to live their life when you have something more to fear?

“no.” a concise answer comes from you. your eyes view soobin’s face, looking at him as he processes every information you gave in his mind. seeing the boy you had a crush on up close is different. the only smooth edges of his nose bridge when you see from afar now look so pointy and rigid. so real. the unconscious closeness both of you have with each other seems natural. no words needed as you can understand through gestures and expressions. it feels like your body is remembering something, the time when you were with him before. queen of viliya at that time. the connection feels too electric sometimes that it overwhelms you, but it is purely because you find comfort in him—other than being a fellow “normal” human like you are. the warmth you see even when glancing at him is expanding ten to a hundred-fold when you are with him right now, wrapping around your body, protecting you from danger.

the sparkle in soobin’s irises starts to grow, his eyebrows raised as he realized something. the answer and excitement uplift him as he lets out his dimples as he spoke, “if it is fear that they are searching and it is specified for each person, then we have to make the people brave.”

yet doubt comes into you, “could be. but people’s reaction to being afraid is different. i don’t think that forcing them to face tough up and face their fear is a good idea.”

“that’s one side of it, but...” he stops to collect himself, the little droop on his face from your comment is lifted once again, “what if we use something to make them brave other than making them fight their fear. we can maybe empower them by doing something else. distract them of this whole thing and let them have something worth fighting for so they dare to fight back...” soobin comes back with a tangent; pouring his thoughts out, no matter how unorganized it is. but something came into your mind as he said so.

the vision of that yellow-esque blurry background. buildings standing tall beside you as you walk around with soobin beside you, holding onto your hand. pushing yourself to remember, you could see the blurriness becoming more defined. the familiar structure erects around you as a place you’ve been before. the place you walk past to get to the castle grounds from the forest. the empty yet wide space in between the town that you walk on as you, lip, and the others are investigating the umbraes.

“have you dreamt of a vision where you are walking around this huge place where the background was yellow-ish and blurry and-“

“i was on your side? yeah, i’ve seen it too.” you chuckle as he finished your question and answered it right away. “it looks like a gathering of some sort behind that blurriness.”

“we could make that, a gathering of people just being happy and having fun to make them brave. we can do it at the plaza we walked past to go here.” you continued adding more detail of your plan based on soobin’s thought. and by the look on his face, you can see it exuding positivity.

“we definitely could. we have to lift their hopes up. i see so much of them are down and becoming desperate alongside instability,” he remarked.

“we can definitely kick their asses.” your comment makes both of you laughed, pining on top of your head to tell the keepers of your plan. a somewhat childish point of view of looking at it, you noticed. yet, it is a method that seemed so simple yet could be effective in yours as well as soobin’s minds.

the process of creating this gathering is something that the keepers didn’t account for but openly agree to. “the people have been down because of this war. i sure hope that even with the minimal resources, we can make this happen.” jinsoul, representing the rest of the keepers, as both of you give out your ideas to them. after telling them of the assumptions and deductions you and soobin have thought about together, soobin seems to be more at ease as he takes control in the “fighting against fear” aspect of this entire event. while you now work alongside choerry and a few of the viliyans who want to take part as you gaze at the plaza. rubbles and dust are still scattered everywhere as you can see a run-down version of what viliya supposed to look like. hanging signs stand out from the buildings that host them as you can identify what looks like a tram track on the street, its rails embedded within the material to create the busy atmosphere.

you don’t really care that your seemingly new clothes are grimy because of the amount of dust accumulated when you get rid of the rubble with your bare hands. the rocks and bricks you have to remove are so familiar with your touch even with the amount of people that were trying to help you. being independent is something you are used to, especially with the little to no regard to your livelihood at home. you had to manage it all by yourself because, if not, your aunt and uncle would use any valuables to enrich themselves. the brick texture reminds you of the gloomy day as you gaze down at the stone plate that engraves both of your parents’ names. your tense jaw relaxes as you stare at their name before shaping into more of the usual numb expression you have always seen if you think of them. the same numb face that rests on your face all the time since then until you either smile to yourself and for yourself, or when you encounter the boy in the metro.

a large space becomes clear as some viliyans are moving out from the courtyard after soobin gives such a motivational speech to you. his conversation with lip and jinsoul about strategies coming into play right now as he is being as transparent as possible. his honesty of his thoughts and opinions is such a breath of fresh air for you to take in. your hand slowly reaching for his, reassuring him of his speech but also reassuring yourself from what you are feeling, an overwhelming sense of authenticity coming from a background where the people all around you are manipulators in one way or another.

you stare at yourself in the shattered mirror of the room in the castle as you wear a white flared dress that feels too unfamiliar for you. the light from outside coming in lights up the room as you have your hands in front of you, rubbing against each other as you can’t help but to compare yourself to the keepers, especially jinsoul and choerry in their own white dresses. realising just how plain you are. nothing special. you gaze at the black arm sleeves remaining of your original outfit, resting nicely on your skin. lip actually made a custom white arm sleeves that coordinate with your dress. yet, because of its thin material, you cannot wear it as you could see the skin layer beneath it, even if it is pretty obscured. it is the part of you that you are not ready for the world to see, keeping it hidden for nearly 4 years now. maybe that black arm sleeves could be the thing that made you stand out. but why should you? you always like to support more from the back instead of being at the forefront. and with just how “normally human” you look like, you won’t be standing out at all.

subconsciously, you let your vision drop to gaze at the flowy ends of the dress moving around, biting your bottom lip as gently as possible because you didn’t want to break skin. you listen to the sounds from outside, the cheers of excitement coming from the viliyans who are ready there as means to have fun and create a synergy that could, at least, defend the people against umbraes. a shadow approaches your figure, though its color is much more faded. a genuine shadow of someone by your side.

“how are you feeling?” the soft-spoken voice calls to you as you lift your head to glance back in the mirror, finding soobin in a flowy white dress shirt with brown pants. his head tilts so you can see him peeking from behind you. a dimple shows on his cheek as he looks at you, reading you like a book that you can’t push yourself to move away.

“i,” you instantly give up, returning to gaze at the lower part of your body reflected in the mirror. both of your hands are rubbing against each other, and soobin looks at the same reflection. you watch as his hand moves to the front of your figure, soothing down the skin as he grazes the texture of your black arm sleeve, noticing just how thick it feels with the material. thinking about it again, you should’ve actually pushed yourself to put the white arm sleeve on instead. it will be much more cohesive with the rest of your outfit and it will look better with soobin’s too. maybe, you can finally let that patch of skin you covered breathe once again-

“you don’t need to.”

in the reflection, soobin’s hand rested on top of yours that is reaching for the end of the arm sleeve from the inside of your elbow. his fingers intermingled with yours that made you loosen the grip of the material. tilting back, you found soobin’s head resting beside yours on your shoulder. his chin so close to resting on top of the boney foundation of your collar as you caught his eyes, looking downwards at the arms before back to your face.

“you don’t need to remove them. whatever makes you more comfortable.” his reassuring tone lets you let out such a shaky exhale.

“but it wouldn’t match-“

“and so what? it doesn’t have to be matching.” soobin remarked, “everything will be okay, even if you don’t wear matching arm sleeves. the people will still love you. i’ll-“ he paused himself as he then rested his body against you. his body temperature feeling more like a blanket that envelops you. “i’ll still be beside you.”

you nodded your head. your face hardens as it takes shape from your frowning expression. taking a deep breath, you stare back at soobin with a much straighter posture. his hand resting on top of yours on your abdomen. your heartbeat pumping more than ever.

“we have to be brave for them.” your turn to speak as soobin caress gives you the silent agreement.

“they will be.” the boy straightens his body as he allows you to turn around inside his embrace. your arms instantly wrapping around his body as you rested your head on his shoulder.

“thank you.” your muffled voice calls to him as you felt him caressing the back of your body. knocks suddenly come from the door as you pull away.

“are you both ready, your majesties?” you heard the familiar sound of choerry before you looked into soobin’s eyes. his head nods as he signals for you to move first.

the sky is beautiful when you step outside of the palace. the clear blue space has little shades of orange as the sun is setting down as you walk. by the gate, you notice both lip and jinsoul waiting for your arrival. lip still has her outfit together, but with an extra set of a thick vest on her chest. her hands holding onto her speaking stone as she talks to her underlings in the defense force. yet, you still can’t get rid of the petrified expression she has when you get rid of the shadow spider on her arm. as you walk nearer to them, you nod your heads to greet them as soobin stood beside you. your hands are brushing against each other, with jinsoul looking between the two of you.

“doesn’t she look beautiful?” choerry commented, wrapping her arm behind your shoulder, making you appear like friends. you could feel your heart flutter because of it. because you don’t have someone who you can call your friend to do these types of things back in seoul.

“she does.” jinsoul replied, her eyes not looking at your bashful face but at the person beside you, observing him as he stares at you as well.

“well, we don’t want the people to wait. come...” jinsoul gestures with her hand as you all walk past the gate of the castle on the way to the plaza. you had seen little of what the plaza has become, only trusting in choerry’s giddiness to decorate for this impromptu festival. you had watched as she and a few others were bringing out boxes of multiple decorations out of a room in the castle. some looking more botanic than the others. you had only seen blurry images of these decorations from your vision and you can’t wait to see them with your eyes.

approaching the plaza, you could hear the rush and sound of people talking, enjoying this little festival you made in order to entertain them in the danger, to reassure them that happiness can actually battle against the umbrae’s personification of fear. to know that there is a collective who will face all of this war together.

from the nearest crowd of the plaza area, where buildings that host shops and homes were partially destroyed by the war, they all bowed as you walked past. they create a wave as you continue to walk; the sight choking you up as you turn your head to look at soobin, who is also seeing around. the amount of people with their uniqueness, all bowing their heads for both of you. your heartbeat fastens as you capture his hand with yours, feeling his fingers already move to then curl in between yours.

in the middle of the plaza is a destroyed fountain, rubble of its structure pooling in there instead of water. all three of the keepers set aside as you find a little stage beside it, bowing their heads as you both step onto the stage. the crowd that bowed first have gathered closer to the fountain as you stood behind soobin, hands still connected.

“citizen of viliya.” soobin started, your eyes gleaming with adoration as you could see the little rise on the corner of his lips.

“we welcome you to the plaza where we gather to celebrate and entertain ourselves even during the war we are facing. we would like to express our gratitude to the people who contributed to this. the cooking, the games, the music. i know this time is hard for all of us and we aren’t able to fully prepare for this to the fullest. but it is enough for me, and i hope it still will do its job.” soobin spoke like a true king, then turns his head to face you.

“this gathering will not happen without the queen’s idea. so, i would like to invite her to take center stage." he tugs your hand to make you take a few steps to stand beside him. your eyes are fleeting around the crowd as you observe the many variations of people you’ve ever seen.

“uh,” you gulp your saliva, “hello everyone. well, soobin and i got the idea for this gathering after the attack that we had endured a few days ago. i was also scouting with them as we approach the barrier between us and the shadows.” your eyes blink, head lifting to stand tall and straight.

“what i observed is traumatizing to the people who experience and also see it. it’s such a familiar notion soobin and i know about. i conclude that these shadows feed off of our fear. they get stronger when we fear them.” you spoke like how you converse with yourself in your head, calculated and clearly. eyeing the viliyans as much more like-minded people rather than recognizing the position you are in.

“this is the reason we want to gather all of us here. i recognized that you cannot face fear alone and we want to tell the umbraes that we are not alone. we are here together, full of love and care, encouraging us to face each other’s fear and any fears that can tear all of us apart. families, friendships, any types of relationships.” you felt a tug on your hand from soobin’s reassuring grip. his eyes finding yours glowing with a warm smile on his face.

“let’s all have fun and make the umbraes fear us instead. thank you.”

the crowd cheers as you find soobin also lets out a wide grin, bringing you into his grasp as you let out a chuckle full of various emotions. turning your head, you listen as the music continues on. both of you jump down off the stage as you widen your arms wide, taking in the unfamiliar feeling of gratitude and joyfulness that you are scared you might be addicted to. the ends of your dress floating as you playfully twirl with them, letting go just for this moment of the baggage that weighs you down.

your hand grasps inside of soobin’s as he takes you to the area where you can see pots of cooking are standing upright. his eloquent request contrasts the timid soobin you know, creating a much more complete idea of the boy in your head. he hands you the bowl as you say “thank you” and bow your head. the sky is getting much more orange as you both find a seat with a bunch of tweens that looked star-struck when they see you. all of them with their own uniqueness, from deer horns to fluffy bird-like wings.

“you are so cool, your majesties.” one of them says as you sit across from soobin. you share their enthusiasm for the world; how one of them is interested in the pattern of stars shining in the raven sky. soobin and you are not that far in a gap with them in level of maturity, just two teenagers who find themselves on a magic island that can be a playground for both of you if you were just a tad bit younger.

at the end of the row of tables, you see people gathering around before they form into the dance floor. your eyes resting on them as you watch them moving around, even in the most mundane fashion. small taps against your shoulder make you shift your body to meet soobin’s outstretched hand. his chin subtly pointing to the dancing crowd as your smile grew, and you went with him, waving goodbye at the tweens as you looked between your beautiful surroundings and the boy before you.

the music is loud as you see a group of bards playing their instruments in sync, watching the people as they dance the living daylights out in their own fashions. seeing a little space in the crowd, you could hear them cheer as soobin pulled you in. he starts to move his head and arms, wiggling to the beat and melody as it makes you giggle. his movement goes in a pattern that you could mirror and you did, mirroring his movement in front of you and following his lead. your eyes continue to stare at him as he does to you. smiles etched on both of your faces as you can’t help but move forward and hug him tight. his breath brushes against the crook of your neck, resting it behind you as you sway along with the music.

your eyes looked at the orange sky, admiring the atmosphere that is much better than your vision. and yet, you still have doubt inside of you. and when the sky suddenly darkens into a red hue, you know your hunch was correct.

a large silhouette flies and covers the sky, its long body with wide head and expansive middle area, flying along the sky before the once cheer silent and turns into screams. the orange that you see is no longer the sky, but the ball of fire that is going to hit you.

the very vision that you’ve just seen when you waited for your train to arrive

you pushed soobin away, separating you both as he stumbled to the ground and the fire landed where you both were dancing. he is heaving to breathe, pushing himself up off the ground as he looks across the fire to find you. but when he caught onto the numerous people who needed immediate help, he instantly moved to help them to safety by the buildings. soobin looked up to find the shadowy dragon continued to rage the fire against the plaza, destroying more of them as he could also see blobs of shadow slithering on the ground before forming into various things before people. haunting screams bringing him to his own baggage once again. and it reminds him of the sleep talk you say the night before the gathering.

“please don’t burn them. don’t burn viliya again.”

when he looks at you from the reflection of the mirror, he knew you were not in the best mood to face this whole thing. so that’s why he had to get rid of his usual fears and be as nonchalant and confident as ever. the conversation he had with the viliyans makes him see them more as family rather than subjects and that’s how they want to serve them as their king. he had to be your anchor, and he has been so throughout today until this very moment.

the usual anxiety riddles him as he watches more people either run away from the shadows or being taken by them. his feet already move him to a clearing as he watches everything going into shambles. one last turn and his eyes landed on the familiar shadow of the boy—its white eyes staring at him as his heart beats faster. but his mind nudges to somewhere else in the palace of his mind as another fireball flew above him and the one side of the fire dissipates, letting him see someone in a white dress kneeling, cowering their body, and covering their head under the red sky.

“(Y/N)!” soobin yells to you as he surges forward. his eyes landed on your cowering body as he pushed himself to move faster. however, the shadows were faster as they reached you and formed into a humanoid. a flick of its fingers shows a burning fire as it toys with you, pushing the fire closer to your covered face. that’s before soobin catches its attention with a push and a strong snarl, observing it explodes into drops of goo as he reaches for you.

your head slightly lifted when you looked at your hand to see someone grabbing for you. his soothing touch is something you can recognize as you found soobin with the front side of his shirt covered with drops of black liquid. his hand curls around you as you let him pull you up.

soobin rested his arm behind you, dragging you away from the crowd as you stay close to him, feeling your hot tears free falling against him as he has to bring you to safety, because he fears for you being hurt.

-

the blurriness of your vision slowly dissipates as the overwhelming orange shine piercing your sight is now out of sight. your feet are dragging across the ground. one of your arms is around the body of the familiar boy as he half-carried you back towards the palace. your hooded eyelids are lifted open as you meet several silhouettes protecting themselves, commotion everywhere and even out of your sight as your body continues to move along with the boy’s stride. the imposing gate meets you as he pushes open the gate and brings you towards the foyer and into the palace.

and when you stepped into the closed area of the palace, you could already feel the tears brimming by the corner of your eyes before they fell into freefall.

the thought in your head already won the battle: you caused this.

“i’m sor-sorry,” you mumbled, making soobin turn his head to look at you. the cloudiness in your eyes is now gone as it is replaced with such gigantic eyes instead. but you’ve spoken sorry too many times for his liking. his sight is set on the shared bedroom you sleep in starting from a few days ago. letting the constant murmur of sorry flies back passes him as you walk past the vacant throne room.

when you felt a soft material behind your knees, you rubbed it with your hand before you sat down and looked upon your quivering arms resting on your lap. the black sleeves threatening to fall down as soobin now stands beside you. then, the familiar itchiness starts once again. your thumb pushes against one side of your hand, trailing it down one by one, following the trail of itchiness beneath the dark material as a few firm pushes against them help in remedying the pain. a remedy you always do time and time again.

but now it doesn’t stop. the itchiness doesn’t stop, and you continue mumbling apologies with a few gasps of breath.

the edge of your nails rubbing against the sleeves instead of pressing it, putting more and more pressure as the nails hooked into the grooves in between the woven material. your sight becoming more and more blurry as you can’t stop. if you stop, it will hurt more. the sight of something you don’t want people to think about.

and yet, you could see the face of the boy kneeling down beside your legs. his hand putting a stop to yours, widening the space in between each finger. apologies are still mutter out of you as you blink the tears away, looking down on your lap. that is when you felt your lips pause as a warm touch lands softly on your cheek. eyebrows furrowed and raised when you look towards soobin and his outstretched arm.

his eyes darting all across your figure, the other hand now holds onto your hand as he could see how rough it looks from the scratching.

“i’m sorry…” you say one last time, recollecting the numerous happenings all around you, “it’s all my fault-“

“hey, hey, no. (y/n).” soobin’s voice calms you, holding onto your hand and yet, you still shake your head.

“yeah, it is. we were supposed to be brave for them. but i screw up. i let my fear get to me and it became a disaster.” your hands try to pull away from his grasp. the itchiness from your forearms slowly turning hot. just a look at the top of the sleeves lets you see the sliver of the thing that is hiding.

but, you knew deep down and how soobin is looking at you with care. that even though it was wrong, doubt is a normal thing.

“then, the only thing to overcome that fear is to face it,” you answered yourself loudly as the boy looks at how your expression changes along with how you think. his hand still holds onto your own softly as he sits down beside you. the outfit that he is wearing makes him look bare, especially with him voicing out his worries about the plan the night before. how he had put much of his fear and hope on his sleeves, and yet you failed him.

your hand gently moves instead of the shakiness soobin stopped, letting him pull off his hand as carefully as possible. the fingertips reach one end of the black that is nearly exposed. you looked down at it and took a deep breath. in one sweep, you peel away the black sleeves that have been part of your day-to-day life—soobin’s gasp is enough of a reaction you have expected.

fluttering open the lid of your eyes, you peer at the gnashing straight line scars across your forearm. the memories of the bleeding cutter coming back to you as you look at the multiple lines. the healing skin makes the scar much more visible to your skin tone. your hand doesn’t stop, reaching for the other black sleeve as the skin mirrors the other side. you clenched your hands, seeing the muscles on your wrists react as you can see the crimson liquid trailing down until the end of your fingertip. that is before your aunt found you and stopped it—not wanting to let her anchor go.

all you wanted to do was to join your parents. your forsaken parents that left you behind with more scars than these. but the only thing they left behind is the looming shadow that stood at the end of the hallway and behind you everywhere you go.

“these are my attempts.” you push yourself to speak, facing those very memories you wanted to suppress hiding behind the black sleeves. you return to your child self as you look forward to the shadow across the hallway standing tall, facing you who is sitting with your knees close to your chest.

“my parents were not the best. they, they-“ furrowing your eyebrows, the slice of the memories of yourself hitting the ground flickers by the second, “they hit me. hard. i was still a child then and... they, they’ve done it multiple times and i lost count of it.”

“it was hard living in this household. we...” shaking your head, pushing yourself to not defend them like you always do, “they don’t live in the best conditions. shards of glass all around the floor from thrown bottles. screaming matches that lasted all night long. i- i don’t know if they even love each other to stay married until the end when they...”

your breath heaved, eyes still staring down at the scars when you felt a warm touch from beside you. his hand covers one forearm, making you tilt your head as you find soobin’s sparkling eyes staring back at you. his matching furrowed brows contorting his face that exactly show what emotion he is feeling. nodding your head, you let the words on the tip of your tongue.

“after school, i was probably 13. i found them in the hallway, laid there in a pool of their blood. each with a shard of glass in their hand. the house was dark when i entered, yet the sunlight from the living room shines perfectly on their laid bodies. even at that young age, i knew it would happen someday. but not that day.” you flutter your eyes as the images came again, “i just found out that i got into the middle school i wanted. that they wanted to. and i found them lifeless instead, when all i wanted was to give them the envelope showing that i got accepted. so i cried and cried and i only called 119 a few hours later.”

you can’t help but to let out a chuckle. one way for you to cope against these experiences as you reimagined them by looking at the bird's-eye view—taking everything into account. “being a middle schooler, i have to have a guardian who will be there until i’m old enough to inherit their wealth. in comes my aunt and her dead-beat husband, and they start to chew away all of that wealth, leaving me with scrapes that is enough for me to fulfill my primary and secondary needs, but no more. it doesn’t get better at school too when they see vulnerable me as an easy target to be mugged off. so i started cutting myself.”

your free hand moves as you fold your fingers, except your pointer and middle fingers. resembling a cutter, you put it down beside soobin’s hand, doing a slicing motion. “it started with that. a pressure from two fingers. mimicking what it feels like. then when i started high school, i started using a cutter. just a top layer of skin enough to make it hurt. not as hurtful as what i genuinely feel the whole time. but i add more and more pressure until one day, it got deep and broke a blood vessel.”

“in my mind, this is it. this is the moment that i can go meet my parents and berate them for leaving me behind to bear their weight. but my aunt found me, and she stopped it just so that she can still get the cut from the will because it said that if anything happens to me, all the wealth will go to charity instead. and she was having the time of her life mugging me back home, too. so i hide them behind the black forearm sleeves. her eyes were always on me and seeing that sleeve is an assuring thing for her that i will continue my life until high school ends.” your words end with a clear quiver.

“even with all this time, i still love my parents for them being my parents. and i feel lost without them around. my perception of love is so messed up that it is hard for me to let go and know that they are truly gone until their funeral. and now, i don’t know how to truly love something.”

you duck your head and cover your forehead with your free hand, sensing just how hot it has become from you talking as you felt the touch on your other arm creeps up and envelops your palm—curling your fingers with his. bare yourself out for him to see. the true you.

the boy turns away as he grabs something from his backpack, his heavy footsteps ring against the room as he walks back to the bed. a familiarly branded cigarette box in hand alongside a lighter. his nimble fingers reach to take out one of the sticks and quickly place it between his lips as he lights it up with fire. a light grey smoke coming from it as he takes an inhale and blows it out. the familiar scent you have smelled on his body, even last night before you slept.

“sorry for surprising you like that. i-“

“it’s okay,” you cut him off, “whatever makes you comfortable.”

soobin lets out a light scoff as you see him moving his tongue across his teeth, tasting the flavor that sticks to the bone before it’s his turn to talk.

“well, i also have a not-so-great upbringing,” he started as you put your full attention to him. the itchiness of your scars is being soothed down by the gentle breeze. “the best way i say of my existence is that i am a mistake. my mom doesn’t want me at all. she’s a single mom and i am made from one of her sexual escapades. she was still smoking when she was growing me, and so, i was born addicted to nicotine. and, that’s why...” he nudges the burning cigarette between his fingers before taking a puff.

“i feel like she hates me all throughout her life. i still don’t know why she birthed me, even when she has the connection to do an abortion, but maybe she made sure she birthed me to remind her of that mistake she made. well, you see...” he leans down, eyeing the cigarette before looking back at you. “she’s a nymphomaniac. i was exposed to that side of her when i was two. just think of a small boy walking around the house after gaining the ability to walk, to then go into the living room to find your mother riding someone’s cock.”

his vulgar words took you aback, but you could feel the raging flame inside of him, similar to the fire burning through that cigarette. “but it doesn’t stop. it continues. one moment, she took care of me by bringing me snacks to eat inside the bedroom. and next, her moans vibrate all across the house. it doesn’t stop. she prefers men, but sometimes women are there as well. it’s an everyday sex party at the house and she even hosted an orgy one time. 20-something people having sex in the living room, and i was in the bedroom, closing my ears as i continue to watch crayon shinchan.” soobin flicks the cigarette away before stomping it beneath his sneakers.

“her dad—my grandpa—sometimes had to take care of me when she hosted a large-scale sex party with alcohol and drugs after the first one. i learned a lot from him, mostly about things in life that my mom doesn’t even care to think to teach me. i wanted to live with him so much, to ask him why he doesn’t act when it comes to her daughter and why she is never pregnant. so, i was in middle school when he gave me the letter from a clinic, a written evidence of my mom’s tubal ligation. sterilizing herself so she would never get pregnant again.” his head turns to you to read your expression, seeing just how wet it is. “when i told my mom i want to live with grandpa, she doesn’t allow it, along with her many reasons like tax cut. but i know she is doing that to torture me, just like having me for her is the consequence of her nymphomaniac lifestyle.”

his hand reaches back for yours, returning to the previous position with his fingers locking with yours, “my only perception of love is the care my grandpa has for me. his willingness to introduce the world he knows, and he has to learn to know for me. but i don’t have an idea of romantic love especially with my perception of lovemaking, which is all gone when you have a mom who is just seeking sex and not romantic love. maybe only a glimpse of it from the episodes grandpa said about grandma, but that is it.”

your eyes lock with his, trailing down his face until you read his moving lips. “until i see you across from me on the train.”

“why me?” you looked down at your connected hands.

“you always caught my eye. the black sleeves on your arms. how you are always there right across from me when i go back into train after school like the way you always see me at the same time every time we go to school.” soobin had to turn down a smile, calming himself down. “you with your uniform and wired earphones compare to me. it’s like seeing your own reflection that has its uniqueness. i just... know that i will connect with you and i love you for that.”

“i- wow...” you lightly exclaimed. “the thing is...” scooting closer to him, letting his knees meet with yours. “i wholeheartedly agree with the reflection thing you said. i... i don’t know. this is just based on the things, but i believe that if we talk, we will talk like we know each other for our whole life. i see myself in you. and i’m glad that we ride that same train.”

“i do too.” he raises his other hand. his eyes asking for permission as you give a small nod when you felt his warm touch now on your cheek. your head leans closer as both of your foreheads meet, closing your eyes to take in just the love that spreads between the two of you. silent. introverted. yet familiar.

that’s when you feel his thick lips against yours, making you move to adapt to it by giving little nibbles. it was innocent—expressing just enough of your emotions to not overwhelm each other. all of that and the discovery you’ve uncovered in viliya of your previous connection.

when you pull away, feeling his breath against your mouth as you rest your forehead against his once again, you then ask.

“what do you see?”

soobin’s eyes also flutter open, meeting yours as he pulls away to take a better look at you. his eyes looking away as he recollects what he had seen.

“a shadow of a boy around 5 to 7 years old. his silhouette looks like mine when i was younger, but he’s different. much more forward and active than i am and holding onto a bunny plushie,” he chuckles. “i think he encompasses my fear perfectly. being an only child of a sterilized nymphomaniac, i can’t help but to think of the numerous times that my mom’s escapades will result in another baby being made. he was one of the lost children that could be my siblings and because of that, i just... i fear in making a connection with people, especially the way my mom does. people see it as superficial, but that’s what i always see. so i don’t know which is the ‘authentic’ way for that..."

you gulp your saliva as you stare at soobin and the familiar shadow behind him. looming tall as its eyes peers down at your seated self. “mine is a tall humanoid. two white eyes covered by long trails of hair in front. it’s like its bending their neck, purposely so that anyone can see the face of the being underneath it but it steel peeks at you.” your thumb plays above his hand, “i also have a fear of connecting with people, but more in a way that... they will be ashamed of me. an orphan who cuts herself while having some attachment issue to her dead parents.”

“you don’t need to be ashamed of yourself. you’re...” he takes a slight glimpse at you from your face to your dress. “you’re pretty.”

your giggles trail towards him before you return to seriousness. “we seem to be each other’s reflections.”

“and that means that to overcome the fear, we can help each other.” soobin remarked, his dimples showing as he held a long smile.

“genuine connection...” you muttered, looking down at your connected hands before going to his plump lips you have felt on your own. soobin seemed to read your mind as he pulls you closer. the end of your dress grazes along your legs as he carefully sits you on his lap.

“the most fully genuine connection i have is with you, (y/n).” he presses his forehead back on yours. “i will be willing to face my fear for this.”

“yet, i don’t want to force you.” you shake your head, but the way his hand moves yours to his nape says otherwise. pulling you close with a tight grip on your waist.

“even so, i don’t want to do this if it is not with you,” he muttered before brushing his lips against your neck, soft caresses across your body. timidness coming along with how soft it feels, letting himself go for you to take care of him.

both of your hands slowly peel each other’s outfit, standing across from each other as you looked at soobin’s unmarked skin compared to yours, which has scars leading all the way from your childhood. yet, with the way he stood there tense, you knew he would not be the one in charge. solidifying his trust in this very connection you made. ignoring the past life you have with him. that even being across from each other on that train, you could still create a genuine connection.

soobin’s face follows your touch, staring back at you with vulnerable eyes that still reflected a dark shine. he leans down, hesitation clear but follows through with your soft grasp on him as he kisses you once again. pushing forward more and more to let you feel him more and more, and all of this has cumulated for you two. his skin is soft until the brush of your hand gives him goosebumps. soobin reach out for you, feeling the scars decorated your love handle to your hips, pressing each of them to replace the painful memories of love instead.

he is the one who drags you to the bed, moving you into a comfortable position for him because he’s the one who is more fragile in this position. looking down at his laid body on the white mattress. his cock is starting to stand straight, more color moving into his shaft as he looks at himself before your hand sitting close to his thigh. peering back to his face who looks at you with expectation, you crawl your fingers across the skin of his thigh and reach his growing member. hisses comes out from soobin’s lips when he felt your soft touch from one side before enveloping altogether. you give him a small stroke, feeling him hardened under your palm.

“you’re doing so well.” your words flow to him, now using both of your hands to stroke him as he gets harder. whines now coming out of him as he focuses back on your face. eyes looking at someone that constantly runs in his mind, who is slowly changing the perspective of action he had seen since he was a young child. his eyes focused on your furrowed brows, looking between his face and his hardening member before you decided to switch position and lean forward. the tip of the head brushes against the tip of your nose as you guide him to your lips. a searing lick makes him jump as you pull away.

“are you alright?”

“i- i am. yeah... just...” soobin looks away, not wanting to look at the concern on your face.

“we’ll go at your pace, soobin.” you sit down on your kneeling position before him, hands slowly letting go of his cock—now standing tall.

“i want to feel you. down there,” he gasps, eyes gazing back at you as you nodded. you lift your hand up to your lips as you spit on the palm, the sense of the cold liquid added to his pleasure while you stroke him in a steady rhythm. your gaze looks between his face and his member, adding more pressure with your grip that makes shivers running down his spine. then, you lean forward and he stayed still, feeling your tongue touching his head, making the shiver spread more.

it turns into warmth as you envelop the top part of his cock, your lips enclosing around it as he hears the slurping noise. his hand that was on his side reaches for you, giving your head a caress that encourages you alongside his moans. soobin’s eyelids are hooded as he stares at you, not believing the idea of such a beautiful person taking care of him—letting everything go his way. and it continues to go his way when he pushed the back of your head unconsciously, making you take him deeper in your cavern as he lets out a loud groan.

the tip of your nose brushes against his skin, taking him deep as your hand assures his when you sensed it tense as he heard you gag. pulling away from the shaft, the area around your lips are covered in your drools and saliva, a string of them hanging onto his cock as you can see just how red his tip has become. soobin’s eyes are enlarged as he admires you, wiping the saliva away with his thumb as you playfully give it a peck before it trails down to your waist.

knowing the signal, you climb up onto his lap as you press your wet lower region against him. you grind yourself on his elongated cock, feeling the ridges of his tense muscle brushing against your clitoris, making you grab his grasp once again as you make his thumb find and rub against your bundle of nerves. hisses coming from you, eyelids dropping as you feel just how good it feels. soobin continues to eye you, rubbing softly against your skin before lifting yourself up. your thighs standing straight as the boy looks at how your hand grab his shaft and rubs the tip against your opening.

“i know that this is going to hurt,” mumbling to him, “but i also want to do it with you.”

“(y/n)...” he sighs, and it slowly gets louder as he felt your warm walls wrapped around him. the boy’s hands that were by your thighs and waist reach up as you lean your head back. sensing the stretch of the muscles down there to adapt to him.

and when you lean forward again—body now sitting upright—you peer down to reassure yourself on soobin. and the sight you see makes your heart that was already beating fast even faster. diamond-like shimmer is present in his eyes, but alongside tears that added more shine. you lean your body much more forward, hands reaching to cup his face and kiss all along his visible skin. yet, you felt his hands caressing your scars instead, especially the one you left behind in your arms.

your eyes flutter shut as you give his lips a kiss that takes your breath away. pecking away from his addicting kisses as you put the rest of them along his face—the shift of your body on him creating more moans coming from the both of you. you sensed his hands moving to your behind, cupping your cheeks as you pulled away from his neck to look back at him.

“you can move.” soobin’s word gives a signal, pushing yourself until your arm is straight as you slowly move on his lap and give him a teasing bounce—something that you found on the internet as a pleasurable way to tackle your position. your hands grip onto his shoulders, eyes on his as you continue your movement. you let him roam his hands around you as you try your best to get him as deep as you can before lifting yourself so that only a sliver of his member is inside you.

soobin’s eyes lock on the way your walls envelop his hardened cock that is standing straight, caressing the skin of yours as he hold you by the waist. you alternate your motion, including some grinding as both of your moans filled the room and night. shame all come across him as he couldn’t believe he left the people of viliya go and fend for themselves. letting fear consume all of them instead of encouraging them to go on. but with a graze of your hand now resting on the pillow beside his head, he could fear the biggest fear he has dissipate away with each fluid movement and the aftermath of emotion.

genuine connection.

the boy’s hips followed your movement, following your action that even made you widen your eyes in surprise. his hands move upwards to your upper back before pulling you down, letting him give light kisses across your breasts and trails up to the column of your neck and meeting your lips as the final destination. one hand holds onto the back of your head as the other still rests above your hips, using his stamina to follow along with you. both of your eyes stay in contact, communicating like the many times you both have done so on that very train. now with much more feelings than a mere silent love.

he wraps his arms around your body when you fully lean down, head beside his. the grip of his hands loosens when he hears soft sobs coming from you, sobs that he understand so well as he also ssensed the same warmth thawing his frozen interior, breaking away the dense walls as it crumbles to allow you in. soobin reaches to cup your cheeks with trails of tears on them, a small smile adorning your face as your gaze at him expresses the very emotion he also feels for you. you both meet at the middle, enrapturing your lips with each other as you both chase your high.

“i’m going to cum.” his lips move against yours when he whispered and your head nods in reply. your walls tighten as you both continue to move. both of your moans meeting each other’s as his eyes are blown wide to see yours, who is peering at him dearly. then, he felt himself choking, his breath caught, and he spurted himself inside your walls. your little whining hum tells him you sense his release, slowing down your motion as soobin can’t help but feel the tears that are threatening to come out now in a free fall.

yet, his hips move again, making you claw your hand against his chest as he exerts to get you to your high as well. your eyes stare back at him, chin leaning against his chest so you could watch him as you chase his fluid movement. your walls clamp, holding onto him as you mentioned “i- i’m cum-“

“cum for me,” he encourages, helping more to chase you as you let out a shriek. your walls are pounding as flashes came about in your eyes and you felt yourself wetter and more aware of soobin’s release inside you. instantly, he brought your body down to his as your faces are leaning close to each other. swollen eyes, swollen lips. both are what you have as he brought you into the last searing kiss. embracing each other with a new booster of encouragement from each of you: readying yourself to face what tomorrow offers.

-

in the dawn of the next day, you both wake up with a determination you both haven’t felt before.

with each other, you both took care of your body, lathering the suds of the soap across both of your bodies as you stayed with soobin. both of your high school uniforms are the only clean outfits you both have as you pull them on. every piece from the socks to the vest. but you left your black sleeves behind drying up, sensing the cool breeze soothing it down as you embrace them as a unique part of you. soobin approaches as he lifts both of your hands, kissing the marred skin as he gazes at you, communicating without words once again as you nod.

as the sun rises across the magical island of viliya, you both emerge from the crumbling room from the palace empty of people. yet, both of your minds are onto something else. soobin pushes open the palace walls, finding many people taking cover and safety across the safe place of the palace walls. some were asleep, and some were awake with numbness in their eyes. yet they all glide to both of your figures as they all gasp.

“your majesties, are you both alright?“ choerry calls as she sees the familiar figures coming out of the palace, not tending after them when she has to take care of more people. but it stopped as she sees the rush in both of your movements, the two leaders of viliya walk to the barracks.

light exuding from them.

choerry runs to get to jinsoul as soon as she realizes it. her dirty white dress flowing as she goes past the number of viliyans all around her as she meets the blonde elven woman who is looking at the papers upon papers of letters that signify the situation of each building destroyed in viliya. her breath turning into heaves when jinsoul turns her head to look at her fellow keeper.

“what again, choerry-“

“the majesties.” she instantly cuts, “they’re glowing- they’re going to the barracks.”

“oh, oh!” jinsoul exclaims before picking up her speaking stone, telling the piece of information to the red music note replying on the other side.

“i’ll come to you. just let me get my things.” choerry looks at jinsoul who is replying to the speaking stone before they set off to the barracks. where lip is located as she just put away the speaking stone to her satchel before jinsoul’s words came true with the appearance of the two leaders coming into the area as she quickly bows down.

“your majesties, we-“

“do you still have any melee weapons?” you’re the one that asked, eyes looking towards the shelves of bows you come across.

“yes! yes, we do. right here, what do you prefer?” lip quickly accommodates the two of you as you both find the shelves full of melee weapons.

“daggers for (y/n). short sword for me,” soobin replies, recollecting the memories of what you both quietly discuss the night before.

lip grabs a short sword and its scabbard before giving it to soobin and walks to grab the daggers for you when her eyes peer down to give you the dagger by the handle. her eyes thought they were deceiving her as she didn’t see the black sleeves associated with you, but instead found scars on where the skin was covered.

“your majesty-“ she raises her head to look at you when you give her a small nod. her eyes seeing a shimmering outline coming from your body as you give her a tight lip smile. she watches as you take a glance at soobin, a small knowing nod shared between you to him as you about to turn your body away,

“your majesty!” jinsoul comes in with choerry trailing behind her, her eyes now looking at the glowing outline the two you had. connected and brighter as you stand side by side. “did you two found out how-“

“yeah, we did.” soobin answered, “i was saving (y/n) from the umbrae attack when one of them morphs in front of me. rather than think otherwise, i just hissed at it and it quickly falters. we both talked about facing our fears and about the situation when we realized that this is a now or never situation. that we have to be the one to move first so the others can get courage to fight back.”

“and we have a new determination flowing through us. that whatever happens and the experience we both have gone through, it will strengthen us rather than weakening us. it’s why we...” you paused as you peek at soobin, “decide to embrace that and face them by ourselves.”

lip steps forward and speaks, “it is only the two of you, your majesties, versus them.”

“then so be it. the umbraes are trained to find the weakest part of each person in viliya. it knows your doubts too, and soobin knows that by straight up being in front of them, confidence that it will work, it will cower away.” the steadiness in your sound shocks the keepers as soobin looks at you with pride. the keepers eyeing their leaders, the glow getting brighter than before as it inspires lip more and more. her furrowed brows loosen as you recognize the fire that is growing in her, and her realization.

“your majesty,” your head turns towards jinsoul who comes to step before you, a smile growing on her face, “your confidence will help us. your glow can help us. can you share them?” her hands reach for yours. whilst looking down, the glow on your hand travels to jinsoul as you search into her eyes and see the hope growing in them. you sense soobin standing close to you, his hand reaches for your own.

“as long as it helps the others to fight,” he answered for you and you both chuckle as you watch the grin on jinsoul’s face. choerry grabs a big glass jar as jinsoul uses her magic to transfer some of the glow into the jar until it is full. her eyes gleaming more as both you and soobin seemed to glow even more when choerry gave the jar to lip.

“jinsoul said the glow can be used to coat the swords and arrows.” choerry reiterates as lip looks down at the glow, a smile on her face.

“i will rally the people to join you along with the other keepers,” the elven girl said as you both nod, turning your head to soobin before pointing to the entrance with your chin. his grip on your hand doesn’t let go as you both fled from the barrack and towards the gate, seeing the eyes of the people watching the two of you as you jog through the gate with confidence.

each step you both take brings you to the plaza where it was attacked by the umbrae. the clean area is now filled with stains of soot and rubble from more collapsing buildings. at the end of the plaza is darkness, trails of them crawling on the ground as the sky above it is as purple as yesterday. your thumb caresses his hand as you face them, a dagger in your other hand as you stood at the being that has threatened so many people. when the doubt comes in, the shadow reacts more, slithering a tendril out to reach for both of you.

yet, you felt soobin raising his hand up to his lips and kiss the back of yours, reassuring you of his confidence as the slithering shadows stopped before them and morphed into a giant snake head. but before it finishes morphing, soobin has already let go of your hand and charged to the shadow with his sword in hand. giving the neck a slice, the snake head crumbles into smithereens and the slimy substance instantly dries out.

a grin grows on your face as you step forward beside him. your dagger swings lightly on your hand as you threw it towards the umbraes. the glow on it making it more visible as it reaches where the umbrae settles. when you first thought that it would have disappeared into the dark, it subverts your thought as you see a cut made of light and the view of the road on the other side. the umbrae reacting as its waves move to the other side and you eyed how it takes over 30 seconds for it to heal itself.

“let’s go!” you exclaimed as soobin follows beside. the slow march turns into confident steps and a charge as you approach the darkness that is getting larger and larger. the shadow reacts, shifting their presence as you watch more tendrils trailing out of the darkness. with soobin’s sword, he slices the nearest one before it shifts into the shape that it wants. your eyes glance beside you as a limping humanoid walks towards you, like the zombies you’ve watched in the movies. reaching for a dagger, you stab it through its head as it shatters and stains your uniform. your hands scrambling to get the other dagger in your hand, double-wielding it as you slice through many of the shapes of umbrae. from humanoid to animal-like to something beyond your imagination.

the smear of black goo sprites to your cheek as you felt it dripping down your face, throwing another dagger to the umbrae that was going to morph into a dragon as it bleeds black gooey substance when it slices across its throat. your eyes look around, staying alert to the nearest umbrae from you, when you heard the shout of someone calling for you.

“soobin?!” you shouted back, looking at the direction where the voice calls you to see a circle of umbraes and a sliver of soobin’s white shirt showing between the gap.

quickly, you push away the approaching umbrae as the graze of the blade is enough for it to crumble. your sight focusing on soobin’s body that is being overwhelmed by the amount surrounding him. his blade is already moving in a circle, yet the barrier is thickening, the claustrophobic situation that you count as the primary tactics of the umbrae to fight: using the most common phobias.

raising your arms up, you slice through the umbraes to create a clear path for you to soobin. cutting off one side of their image and even the middle as it fell and dirtied the ground even more. the boy’s furrowed brows were the first thing you noticed as you approached and sliced through the umbrae so close to his back as he stabbed one in front of him.

“i’m here!” he turns around as he finds you. your vision now sees clearly that he had some tears trickling down his cheek. soobin wraps his arms around you, embracing you to never let go again. seeing how this fighting affects him makes you pause your action, and you feel just how tiring it is facing them. your head instantly searched for the warmth of his shoulders as you wrapped your arms behind his back. not caring if the umbrae will reach for you and consume you whole—you can come back out from this even if you try.

but the barriers of darkness didn’t come closer. instead, it stops.

you open your eyelids to see the familiar blurriness from the many visions you have of viliya. of the old you walking around the plaza. the blurriness that makes the light slightly curved and things far away so distorted that you have to walk closer. the glow that was sticking onto the outline of your body now gone, but the blurriness has the substance of the glow, like it is expanding.

from your vision, you thought the blurriness is the uncertainty of the images you conjured.

instead, it is a shield for both soobin and you.

his sobs stop when he pulls away, finally realizing the familiar blurriness that he had also seen in his vision. he looks at you, a face full of assurance gazing back as you soothe him down with your hand by his arm. he notices that when either of you moves, some of the umbraes shatter as it still gathers to create a barrier that is being stopped by your glowing shield. you eyed him and then to the daggers in both of your hands, nodding your head as a signal for him to continue on. bringing the stained sword back beside him, you lean in and give him a peck on his lips as he answered with a small chuckle.

“CHARGE!”

a war cry sounded from outside of the barrier of umbrae as you gaze upon the large darkness. launches of arrows piercing through the darkness and chips it away. you turn your head when a gap between the barrier opens as you find lip’s determined face, double wielding rapiers in her hands as you both quickly get a grip of your weapons and continue to slice through the shadows.

as the last of it went from you both, you eyed the various citizens of viliya fighting back with their own weapons. horned people using their glow imbued blades to go through the shapes forming before them, to the winged people doing aerial attacks with their bow and arrows. a smile grows on your face as you shift to find soobin who has his own looking back at you. the two of you march as you stand beside the people, fighting away the darkness that has shrouded the island for so much time and many more that have been inside of people.

the large darkness is getting smaller and smaller, tendrils are still going out of it hastily but quickly stopped by the confidently powered viliyans. your figure approaches the source as it’s getting obliterated, chipping away by the ways it tries to fight back from the appearances of skeletons, giant spiders, and to even a mirror version of them. soobin joins you as you watched the darkness that is trying to attack you—block by your glowing shields. when it is only the last fistful of darkness there, soobin instantly stabs it with his sword, staring at it as it shifts around the blade before it drops onto the ground. your heavy breaths are the noises you heard outside of the battle, finishing outside of the barrier.

turning your body to face him, your eyes widen to see the familiar shadowy figure that haunts you behind him. and you stare at his eyes that is looking up, sensing the weight of your back as you learned of what he described of his shadow: a little boy sitting on top of your shoulders. the shadows stopped to look at you, their glowing white eyes glaring with the gaze of something that used to haunt you, but is now just a husk of fear.

dropping your dagger down beside you, you reached for soobin’s warm hands. craving his touch that comforts you through your trials and tribulations here. he doesn’t care that both of your hands are stained with the black goo, meeting his palm with yours as you finally let out the tears that you’ve been holding. and then, you suddenly cough. both of you cough as you still let your hands connect, ready to fight back against what happens to you.

you sensed something emerging from inside you as you continued to cough to let it out. your free hand in front of your lips as you spit something out. it feels heavy on your hand as you blink away the water in your eyes from the pain. the shape is jagged as you look upon a dark crystal. the core of it is a swirling raven but the outline of it is white with a glow—a wall to make the shape sturdy as ever. across from you, soobin’s hand is holding onto the same thing. the swirling substance inside looks like the one the umbrae has.

tilting your head upwards, you watched as the giant shadow behind soobin eyes the crystal in your palm. its eyes emoting for the first time—showing it getting elongated in a familiar look of joyful people as it slowly disappears. with the sound of a gasp from soobin, he finally sees the smile expression of the boy before it disappears as well, your shoulders now so light that the force of gravity tumbles you into his embrace.

the viliyans all cheer around you as you brought your arms around him, hugging him so close as you finally find the comfort of him you long to meet before finishing the war. lip and the rest of the keepers approached you. their white dresses are also stained with black substance. their eyes look at the crystals wrapped in your palm when you both pull away. that is before a white glow forms a circle behind both of you. coming from it is the familiar muffled sound of trains running on the track, people talking as they commute to their destination, and the chime of the doors.

“thank you.” jinsoul first spoke, “for coming back to us, for helping us.” you didn’t realize that there are backpack straps on them as you find yours on choerry’s back.

“it is time for you to go back to your obligations. we know it is a sudden thing for you as you both are still teenagers to face all of this.” lip added, her tight lip smile still feels so genuine as you could sense the tears brimming in your eyes. your hand is still gripping the crystal tight as you open it. soobin follows as he slowly lets the crystal in his palm slide into yours. the three keepers stand before you as well as the rest of the viliyans who looked at their leaders—courageous enough to fight at the front and motivating the rest. the boy’s hand holds onto the back of your waist.

you push your hand forward towards choerry who is looking back at you, a small pout showing on her face, “fear is always going to be here. so no need to destroy these cause fear also motivate us to continue our lives.” choerry has her palm open after you ended your words, placing it gently on it. “take good care of them. those are the fears we have to let go to continue life.”

“we sure do and...” choerry puts the crystals in her pouch before giving you your backpack. “you are always welcome to come here again. this island is yours to lead. it would be better if both of you have an input for them as well.”

“well, i trust all three of you to build viliya back. we...” soobin looks at you as you give him a small smile, “have something to do in our lives first before fully committing to viliya.”

“like graduations and all that...” you jumped in.

the three keepers look at both of you fondly as you give a smile and feel a drop of a tear falling down your cheek. lip seems to reach for her pouch and pull out the familiar pairs of black and white sleeves. “you almost forgot these,” she replies as you give a warm smile and hold the sleeves in your grasp.

with a nod, you pack your things and step closer towards the bright portal. the sight of the rest of viliyans waving their hands towards you makes you coo. even with such a short time here, many of your problems in life are solved when you just have to be brave enough to face them. and to know that there is a safe place to be uniquely you is all enough for you to have a place you can rely on. that even with no matter “normal” you are, you still have a power to change things in the world.

you turned around and faced the bright portal. looking through it, you find a vivid vision of the station where you usually wait for the seoul metro to take you home. a hand grasps into yours and the figure stood beside you, staring back at the portal as the vivid picture becomes clearer and clearer.

“will i be seeing you again?” soobin muttered as you turned your head, seeing him now looking at you.

you reach out and give him a searing kiss on his cheek, “i’m sure we will...”

both of you take a step together into the bright portal, letting the light blind and embrace you.

-

the door of the train car opens along with the familiar chime.

the passengers of seoul metro line 7 are in various outfits. from the shirts of corporate workers to the blazers of uniforms of students, the sight of elderly people who are still walking along the station to get their exercise, to the street style fashion of young adults. they decorate the sight of both the underground stations and the streets above, especially the affluent neighborhood of gangnam. it is also the sight that you see again alongside the ride from hongdae, and often see now as you tug your backpack to head back from your part-time job.

you lift your bluetooth headphones on your neck and place it on your ears, pressing play on the phone as it lets you filter out the outside sound in alongside the background music. your eyes peer up at the display now, instead of the dots have changed into screens that signals the journey along the tracks.

when the train stops at the familiar name of the station—one before cheongdam—your head already turns to the side as you watch people get in and out of the train car. your eyes searching for a specific person.

his black hair is ruffled as well as the white t-shirt he is wearing with his black tie. his hand is holding onto his phone while the other hangs on tight to his backpack. the familiar sight of him after heading back from his internship. and he turns his head to look across the set of chairs.

soobin’s eyes finding yours. and you reciprocate.

a smile adorning your face as you take a step across those seats, crossing the gap to his embrace as you head back to your home together.

taglist: @raeyunshm @leilasmom @evidive @boba-beom @kwiwin @heesw1fe @aloverga @endzii23 @fluffyywoo @camipendragon @hiqhkey @wccycc @cha0thicpisces @y4wnjunz @yeehawnana @beansworldsstuff @kimipxl @blurryriki @amazzwon @sunpov @ineedsomezzz @stayzentiny @rebsmoonn @angelbythewindow @ttyunz @bamtorin @shinrjj @kookthief

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[lochallthedoors]

thinking of what might have been and what the future says rnrs, raw, wfl?, bhn, ss, ltbl, tht, mg, dykwim?, sms, c&a, sa

+1

[asgoodeasgold]

Waiting for Netflix Department Q

📷 My edits from Freud's Last Session (2023), Birthmarked (2018), A Discovery of Witches (2022) s3:04, Downyon Abbey (2015) s6:09

[opbackgrounds]

The Romanticism of One Piece II: Fairy Tales

Part I Part III AO3

“I long to see the blue flower” --Novalis

In 1812, brothers Wihelm and Jacob Grimm published their first volume of fairy tales. The book was not initially meant to be read as purely children’s stories, but as a collection of tales they felt reflected German culture. They weren’t alone in their study of folk culture and stories, as interest revived throughout the Romantic period, particularly in Germany.

Later editions of the Grimm’s fairy tales, however, were changed to be more suitable for younger audiences. There was something about the stories that captured the mind of a child, and the expansion of children as their own demographic to be catered to encouraged publishers to specifically produce works for younger audiences. I feel like CS Lewis said it best while defending his own use of fairy tales, “He [the person reading fairy tales] does not despise real woods because he has read of enchanted woods: the reading makes all real woods a little enchanted”. The Romantics of this era were themselves enchanted by the power of these stories, and utilized them to great effect in their works.

Romanticism gets its name from the medieval ballads that were popular during the time period, themselves written in the romantic languages. Artists drew heavily from a mythologized past for their paintings, and writers such as Goethe and Novalis wrote literary fairy tales of their own inventions, drawing upon allegory and metaphor to express their philosophical ideals. In 1813 Percy Bysshe Shelly wrote a revolutionary and radical tract in the form of a poem and fairy tale, named after and heavily featuring Queen Mab. These men, along with the Brothers Grimm followed a tradition set by the “discovery” of Ossian, an epic poem that presented itself as the Gaelic equivalent of the Iliad or Odyssey, but was largely an invention of the poet James Macpherson.

One Piece is chalk-full of allusions to fairytale and myth. The manga opens with the grand execution of Gold Roger, his final words the sort of promise that you could easily see becoming a campfire story today, a whispered rumor and legend of impossible treasure for any person brave enough to go looking for it. 

Oda starts leaning into real-world myth as early as chapter 23 with Usopp’s introduction, his name in part derived from the Greek storyteller Aesop and the plot a loose retelling of the Boy Who Cried Wolf, with his trademark nose being a clear reference to Pinocchio. 

When looking at One Piece’s use of real-world myth and story, the thing that strikes me is how often Oda will borrow from the iconography of a story without simply rehashing it. Just about every major arc borrows in some way from real world children’s tales, but you’d be hard pressed to call Oda’s usage derivative. Even with the broad pool of references Oda draws from, the manga never would have lasted as long as it has if he’d just copied from the stories we’ve all heard since childhood. 

For example, on Drum Island Chopper is a clear reference to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Much like the Syrup Village before it, it draws directly on the themes of the original work, ostracization and rejection being primary motivators when developing Chopper’s arc. 

But more than that, Hiliruk is introduced entering his unwitting patient’s houses through the chimney, just like Santa Claus, and Chopper’s repeated journeys up and down the mountain using the island’s rope system while pulling a sleigh is clearly borrowing from the iconography of Christmas. But you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who would call Drum Island a Christmas story, even though it’s set on an appropriately wintery environment. 

There are more examples. Laboon eating the Straw Hat’s ship could be seen as a reference to Moby Dick, Pinocchio, or the biblical story of Jonah, yet Reverse Mountain doesn’t share themes with any of those stories outside of the use of a mythical whale. The Skypiea Saga kicks off with the introduction of shadowy “giants”, before moving to a treasure hunt while befriending a young girl who plays a harp, and ends with the felling of a giant beanstalk. But does anyone really think of Skypiea as a retelling of Jack and the Giant Beanstalk?

My favorite of these has to be Alabasta, since I see so few people pick up on it. The entire climax of the arc involves a devilish crocodile, a man with a hook for a hand, a ticking clock, and the imposing presence of a giant clock tower that looks suspiciously like Big Ben in a setting otherwise influenced by Egyptian archeology. Why or how Oda decided to mix Peter Pan with his epic tale of friendship and betrayal amidst a war on a desert island is beyond me, but he did. 

These examples aren’t only found pre-timeskip. I saw people able to guess who would live and die during Wano based solely on how closely Oda was following various Japanese fables, with broad plot elements being based on the famous story of Momotaro.

Of course, Oda doesn’t limit himself to fairy tale and myth. He frequently draws from history and pop culture at large, or, at least, the pop culture of his youth. Sanji’s design is based on Reservoir Dogs. All the Admirals share a face with Japanese actors. Thriller Bark is named after and directly homages—more than once!--Michael Jackson. Somehow you can have music video references sitting next to yokai, Frankenstein, the Invisible Man, and the Island of Dr. Moreau without cognitive dissonance, because that’s just how Oda writes. The Tree of Knowledge (the ‘of good and evil’ is implied) can coexist with Adam and Eve—which here are also trees—which can in turn overlap with Yggdrasil. The biblical ark Noah can exist in the same island as the Flying Dutchman, while the most biblically-coded of all the sagas can have an ark of its own while drawing many of its names and iconography from Eastern religions such as Shinto and Buddhism. That’s not when it’s drawing on Meso- and Native American iconography and religion instead. And somehow…somehow…it all gels together with the stories of El Dorado and Jack and the Giant Beanstalk.

Once one starts going down the rabbit hole of references and homage it becomes hard to stop. The interweaving of so many references, both obvious and not, while still maintaining an original plot boggles the mind. How Oda got the idea to mix Alice and Wonderland, Power Rangers, Aladdin, and fascist iconography while also turning Sanji into a Disney Princess is beyond me, and in my opinion, a large part of his creative genius. 

But the question remains…why? Why reference Santa Claus on Drum, or Jack and the Giant Beanstalk in Skypiea? Some allusions make sense with the surrounding story, but others seem to be placed at random just because Oda could. 

I think the answer falls back to the Romanticism of One Piece. Oda has said in many different interviews that he writes with an audience of children in mind, particularly young boys. By pulling from the stories of childhood he creates a frame of reference, and because Oda draws from a wide pool of sources that frame of reference can have a more universal appeal, fitting with his world-spanning, swashbuckling adventure. I was never told the story of Momotaro, but I know about the Boy who Cried Wolf. My grasp of Norse mythology is shaky at best, but I recognize the image of a reindeer pulling a sleigh through the night sky. 

As I’ll get into later, the Romantics were obsessed with the innocence and experience of childhood. That was one of the reasons they were drawn so much to fairy tales. To them, stories that were spread amongst the common folk were the most pure form of culture, and it was from these stories that they strove to create a shared identity. 

One Piece is a world-spanning tale, and the stories it references reflect that. But for as different as culture can be from country to country, or island to island, there’s a shared humanity in the stories we tell. A fairy tale will always feel like a fairy tale, whether it’s from Japan or Germany. And by immersing itself in these memories of childhood, Oda carves himself a place amongst these ancient stories 

Marking the end of One Piece’s prologue, chapter 100 draws back from the immediate story to call attention to its own internal myth. Utilizing some Oda boxes quoting Gold Roger, the narrator writes, “These things cannot be stopped. An inherited strength of will, one’s dreams, and the ebb and flow of ages. As long as people hunger for freedom, these things will always exist”.

The name of chapter 100? The Legend Begins. 

This isn't a coincidence. The Grand Line in particular is described in-universe as a land of fairy tales. The Little Garden and Elbaf arcs start with quotes from the explorer Louis Arnot. The cover of Brag Men, where these quotes come from, labels the book romantic fiction. Oda revealed in the SBS for volume 42 that the stories within the book are so outrageous and unbelievable to ordinary people that they’re believed to be untrue, much like the story of Noland the Liar. 

And yet, these are the stories that Luffy goes chasing after. 

Now, I could send an age quibbling over the difference between a myth, a legend, and a fairy tale, but in the case of One Piece there’s enough overlap to be irrelevant. One Piece draws upon fairy tales because in many ways it is a fairy tale. It’s easy to imagine the entire story being told from Usopp’s perspective as he sits around the fire, telling his tale to a wide-eyed audience of children. Whether he’s telling the truth or not doesn’t matter, because it feels true, and for the first time the woods start to feel enchanted. And perhaps it’s that spark of magic that’s enough to stir the imagination of the next generation of dreamers to go out on adventures of their own, no matter how absurd and impossible. 

[mostlyghostie]

Book Recs Wanted!

I have recently noticed that I'm drawn to the sub-genre of fantasy books that involve a person, or group of people, who secretly discover a huge magical secret that they do not fully understand and will never fully understand. So yes, fantasy books, but mostly 'other world' books and whatever the opposite of books with 'a good magic system' are. I know some people are into that, but I always avoid books where the magic makes sense, I like it to be confusing and oblique and mysterious. Ditto books with a grizzled anti-hero protagonist, not interested.

Examples of this I've enjoyed include:

The Magician's Nephew by CS Lewis - where Uncle Andrew has learned a few shreds of information from an elderly relative about magic. He then experiments and plots for years and finds the doorway to the wood between the worlds without having any real knowledge of what he has found or what to do with his discovery and gains no benefit from it.

Piranesi by Susanna Clarke - (spoiler), where a group of academics and hangers-on under the thrall of an outsider anthropologist find the way into a world hinted at in pre-historic texts. I love how the implications of this discovery are so huge, but those that can visit this world are incapable of fully exploring or sharing their discovery because of their competitive and sadistic natures. Even further worlds are hinted at but nobody visits them.

[Limited bits of] The Magicians by Lev Grossman - I haven't been able to re-read these books since they came out because I find many of the characters so unbearable, however, those sections where the students who fail to get into the college try to piece together magic on their own, or where the Chatwin children find their way into Fillory, or particularly where Quentin attempts to create his own world at the very end, are very compelling.

[Bits of] Fairy Tale by Stephen King - I found the fantasy world itself fairly irritating, but the way into it was great, and the discussion of how the fantasy world would likely be exploited if the knowledge was spread further was something I hadn't seen before.

Little, Big by John Crowley - I love how the existence of Faerie is taken as a matter of fact by the Drinkwater family, but there's no rhyme or reason to how it 'works'. It's unclear what exactly is going on half the time and all is enjoyably dream-like.

I also intent to give the Gormenghast books and Mordew a go soon, as they seem up my alley, and I think I've read all the Lovecraft stuff in this vein. I always liked the Lovecraftian bits of the Discworld book Moving Pictures too, which was my favourite as a kid- I like when the magical discovery gets too real and everyone just runs away, realising it's better left alone.

Does anyone else enjoy these tropes and have a book or two to recommend?

[childotkw]

Could you please recap what Voldemorts regime is like in CS. I’m just re-reading a bit now and I’m at the first task, (also did Voldemort put Hadrian in the comma for a week till he decided what to do with the whole Harry Potter situation), and I was wondering because Voldemort talks about recruiting James, so is his rule like quite fair? What makes him “dark” in this story?

Voldemort is a Dark Lord in the sense that he is the most powerful practitioner and user of Dark Magic, not necessarily because he’s a murderous psychopath and elitist.

In terms of fairness…his rule is likely more fair than people would expect. The first few years of him in charge were definitely some of the worst. A lot of murder, a lot of destruction, a lot of ‘rebuilding the system’ and other such things. He pushed through a lot of new laws that advanced Dark Magic, made it more acceptable for people to use, and came down hard on the muggleborns and integration of muggle traditions and ideas into Wizarding Britain. Muggleborns are taken from their families immediately upon their discovery and placed with either a magical family or a state-regulated orphanage.

In a lot of ways, he’s a traditionalist and an isolationist.

It’s only been in the last five-ten of years that things mellowed out and returned to a somewhat normal state. People have settled into the new way of life, accepted that this is how things are now, and with some of the more extreme restrictions lessening in recent years, they’re not actually that upset with the way things are run now.

Sure, punishments are harsher - but there’s also rigorous processes in place in the ministry that makes corruption from those in power significantly harder. Voldemort doesn’t want the same rot to infest his regime that infected the previous ministry, so he’s deliberately made the system harder to manipulate.

Onto your other question though - Voldemort didn’t put him in a coma. From what I remember Hadrian was just exhausted magically and physically, so he was bed-bound for a while. But it’s also been like five years since I wrote that scene so I might be wrong 😂

[forged-in-paper]

An introduction to Celestial Solstice, and a preface, to catch up.

So, I'd like to preface this by saying that the content of this blog won't be the same as it has been in the past (didja see the new name??) and I kinda wanna explain why that is. 5e D&D meant a lot to me for a long time, but my design aspiration have grown beyond the bounds of 5e's framework and I don't feel as if I can fully express the character of my design while restrained to its limits. This isn't a disparagement; it's largely a tightly designed system that collects a lot of history into a single fun and functional game. The more I designed for it, however, the more I found myself running up against its walls. There are certain pieces of the game which are kind of intrinsically "D&D", you know? Changing elements such as combat, spellcasting, the ability scores, or the skill system changed the way the game felt and played in weird ways because those are core elements of the design that have been iterated into its bones over a very long time. It's a great playground when you are happy to work within those confines, but its more open design principles fail once its mechanical complexity or game balance are significantly changed with mods. For those looking to really experiment with the possibilities of different combat systems, advancement, and resolution mechanics, I feel like half the work ends up being compromising what you really want to do to make it fit around the rest of the game. Another difficulty I had working with 5e was the community, and not so much the players but the homebrew community. A lot of people are really cool, but everyone has preconceived notions about what the game is supposed to be like, how it's supposed to be played and balanced, and what that play and balance should look like, and honestly I saw a lot of negativity surrounding this point with people fighting because they couldn't agree on those points. It's hard to argue the virtues of your design with people who are working under totally different presumptions about what the end product of a project should look like. Overall, I learned a lot using that framework as a foundation to build on, but its time for me to break ground on my own project and that's what this rebranding represents, a chance for me to see what I can do when I have room to stretch my legs and really let loose.

But ok, with that out of the way, what is Celestial Solstice? First and foremost, Celestial Solstice is a game about world simulation that uses abstractions to avoid becoming bogged down in the details. The biggest illustration of this design principle is the fact that CS is a point crawl game. What is a point crawl, you may or may not ask? Allow me to elaborate.

Essentially, there are places in the world where there are interesting things to do or see or find and there are places where you can't find those things. This design removes focus from the places where there isn't anything to do in favor of focusing on those more interesting places. You adventure where the adventure is and handwave the rest. This is of course a gross oversimplification of how it works in practice, but it gets the point of the design across. In CS, this principle shapes a lot of the ways in which the players will interact with the world. Moving about a city, through the wilderness, or within a dungeon all work within this abstraction.

Having introduced the ideas of point crawls, players will have the opportunity to travel throughout the world and the mechanical tools to make it happen. Wilderness travel was an early focus of CS because I really wanted to make the act of traveling through the wilderness and exploring what it has to offer compelling, fun, and rewarding. The crafting system starts with raw materials which must be found and harvested in the wilderness. Secrets and discoveries can be found in seemingly uninteresting places. Selling maps you make can net a profit! If you've ever been put out by the fact that travel often gets little to no mechanical assistance to make it interesting, you may find something to like in Celestial Solstice.

Secondly, and I think this is an important consideration, is that its a little game-y. Dungeons and Dragons has a bit of this immersion breaking disconnect with the rolling of initiative and the initiation of combat almost feeling like entering a battle in final fantasy, but CS really embraces and revels in the inspiration it takes from different genres of gaming. I've dabbled in a lot of different game design hobbies over the years, and the lessons I've learned from my time spent working on board games and video games went into my work on Celestial Solstice. That isn't to say that playing CS is like playing a video game or a board game more than an TTRPG, but I feel like its important to point out that this game doesn't strive to create a realistic ruleset that accurately models traveling or combat or dungeon delving or economics, but rather aims to create a FUN ruleset with which the players can meaningfully and mechanically interact with the world.

And speaking of inspirations, CS is HEAVILY inspired by the OSR movement, in both the renaissance and revival senses, and takes a lot of lessons from classics like OD&D and B/X/Adv, but also games that are homages in their own right like DCC and BSH. Resource management is important. Dungeons are magical, dangerous places where torches are a must and monsters roam. AND PROCEDURES, oh how I love procedural play. Wilderness travel is a procedure. Dungeon delving is a procedure. City travel is a procedure. Battles are a procedure. A lot of the ideas present in CS came directly from those games, reshaped and repurposed sure but still that DNA is unmistakable.

While we're talking about OSR games, CS is a game with a stable. If you're not familiar with the idea of a stable, it's essentially a pool of characters that are available to be played or utilized by the players in some way. The idea that the players in CS will recruit the NPCs and monsters they meet has been a given since day 1, and the rules not only support creating an army of followers but encourage it. At the beginning of every campaign, the players are granted a home base which acts as the base of operations for their ever-growing ranks of minions and followers. This home base can be upgraded, expanded, and specialized and such expansions and upgrades are what allow for more characters to be recruited. Some of these stable slots will be filled with characters that can be useful in battle, but some will also be filled with non-combat retainers which do things like improve your finances and give your reputation bonuses with factions. For now I've placed the limit at 50 total characters within the stable at full expansion, but who knows what'll happen once I get around to actually testing those limits.

Another important part of the game's design is that the GM is a player, too. They may not be playing in the same way that the players are, but the GM is no less a part of the group playing the game together. A ton of systems are built in such a way that the GM is just as involved as the players, from rolling for random events during dungeon crawls to using dice and tables to determine whether factions in the game are thriving or in decline to determining things like the weather on-the-fly as players travel through the wilderness. All supported from the ground up by the rules so it never becomes a hassle.

Character! Advancement! IS TOTALLY OPEN! All characters start with a basic job and can eventually gain an advanced job and then a master job, but how a character advances is entirely at the whim of their player; if they choose never to get a second or third job, they never have to and it probably won't even make that character unplayable. Characters gain EXP for overcoming challenges and then use that EXP to purchase upgrades to the character. These upgrades include increases to attributes, new ranks in gathering or crafting skills, new features, weapon and armor proficiencies, new jobs, and a whole lot of other things. If you want to play a character that never purchases a single point in any combat attribute, feature, or proficiency and spends all of their EXP buying features that allow them to establish trade routes and play the merchant, then that's technically totally doable. As is the opposite, obviously, but there's a lot of in-between as well, I promise.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright, well I know that's a lot but let me assure you there's even more than that and I'm just sparing you having to read a book. If anyone would like me to elaborate on a point I made here or wants to hear how something specific works within the game then let me know, otherwise I'll be posting regularly to describe each individual aspect of the game in finer detail.

Thanks for reading, and good gaming friends :] - Forge

[lucky-clover-gazette]

prince's gambit highlights & annotations

chapter 12

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

Laurent gave Damen a long, pensive look and said, eventually, ‘Yes, the trap is closing and there is nothing else to be done.’

context: sarcasm. he would never admit this if it was true

An hour put several miles between them and the rest of Laurent’s men, and that was when Laurent pulled on a rein and circled his horse around Damen’s briefly; he was watching Damen as though he was waiting for something. ‘Think I’m going to sell you to the nearest Akielon troop?’ said Damen. Laurent said, ‘I’m quite a good rider.’ Damen looked at the distance that separated his horse from Laurent’s—about three lengths. It was not much of a head start. They were now circling each other.

i can’t tell if they’re genuinely questioning each other, or playfully proposing a race. honestly with them it’s probably both

also, do you think their horses are tired of their bullshit? do you think they’re falling in love too?

Relaxed in the sunlight, Laurent watched him approach, as one expecting an arrival welcome and familiar.

this is such a sweet moment. i hope nothing happens to interrupt it

It would feel so right to rejoin them, to emerge from the grey maze of Veretian politics, and return to something that he understood: the simplicity of knowing his enemy, and facing a fight. He turned. Laurent was watching him. He remembered Laurent sizing up the distance between two balconies and saying, ‘Probably,’ which, once appraised, had been enough for him to jump. He was looking at Damen with the same expression.

moment of truth damen!

He could take Laurent down the hill and deliver him into Akielon captivity. The desire to do that thrummed in his blood. Nothing was standing in his way. Damen pressed his eyes closed briefly. ‘You need to take cover,’ Damen said. ‘We’re inside their scouting lines. I can ride as lookout until they’ve moved on.’ ‘Very well,’ Laurent said, after a heartbeat passed with his eyes watching Damen steadily.

YAYYYYYYYY

He had to be cautious—not only for Laurent’s sake, but also his own. He was wearing Veretian clothing. Under normal circumstances, an encounter with an Akielon outrider would not be a threat to a Veretian. At worst, there would be some unpleasant posturing. But this was Makedon, and among his forces were the men who had destroyed Breteau. To men like that, Laurent would be a prize beyond measure.

wait damen i thought we were talking about your safety, not laurent’s. oh well

Damen returned to his horse, mounted, and picked his way carefully along the wide, rocky stream bank to the shallow cave that, to his searching eyes, appeared empty at first. It was a well chosen spot: the entrance was hidden from most angles, and the danger of discovery was low. An outrider’s job was simply to ensure the terrain was clear of any obstacles that might impede an army. It was not to check every crack and crevasse on the unlikely chance a prince might be squeezed in there. There was the dull rattle of hooves moving on stone; Laurent emerged from the shadows of the cave on horseback, his manner carefully casual.

he knew where to find him <3

Do you think I’d get on well with Nikandros of Delpha?

foreshadowing

The idea of Laurent let loose on the political landscape of northern Akielos did not make for appealing thoughts.

foreshadowing

‘I wouldn’t have to tell them you were a prince to sell you to that troop.’ Laurent held his ground. ‘Not really? I would have thought twenty was a little grown up for that. Is it the blond hair?’ ‘It’s the charming temperament,’ said Damen.

Though the thought existed: If I took him with me to Akielos, he wouldn’t be given as a prisoner to Nikandros. He’d be given to me.

if you’re curious about that scenario, damen, allow me to introduce you to a little website called ao3

(is there a fic about this happening at this specific point of the story? if not, there should be. they’ve built up their relationship so much and, if in character, damen would be mostly concerned with keeping laurent safe. kind of a like a reverse book 1 situation.)

If the tactic didn’t occur to Kastor, it would certainly occur to Jokaste.

i think they should give her an official role in the government. not that i like the akielion government. i just think she deserves a seat with all the other shitty people

Laurent said, ‘To get what you want, you have to know exactly how much you are willing to give up.’ He was regarding Damen steadily. ‘You think your delightful Lady Jokaste doesn’t know that?’

so laurent has totally figured out that jokaste specifically betrayed damen and sent him to vere. this is an underhanded reference to that. also this is a pretty good hint that laurent Knows

There was only one thing he could do. As the spray of water sheared up from under his horse, he hefted his sword, changed his grip, and threw. It was, emphatically, not a throwing weapon. It was six pounds of Veretian steel, forged for a two-handed grip. And he was on a moving horse, and many feet away, and the man was moving too, towards Laurent. The sword drove through the air and took the man in the chest, ramming him into the ground and pinning him there.

not the yeet of death...

‘I saw you fall.’ Damen heard the rough sound of his own voice. ‘Are you hurt?’ ‘No,’ said Laurent. ‘No, you got to him.’ He had pushed himself up into a splayed sitting position. ‘Before.’

i love this reaction. he’s dazed and in shock. he doesn’t elaborate on the “before.” it’s like he’s giving a status report, or at least trying to deliver it as such

Concerned with the possibility of injury, he was only distantly aware of Laurent looking back at him.

laurent might have just fallen a little tiny bit in love with you, damen. also literally fallen. ouch

‘Can you stand? We need to move out. It’s not safe for you here. Too many people want to kill you.’

and that’s a wrap on damen being reluctant to protect laurent! it’s down bad 24/7 pretty much from now on :)

He was staring at Damen.

damen: are you okay?? we've gotta get out of here

laurent:

‘I’m sorry,’ said Laurent. Then he said, ‘We can’t leave him here.’ He wasn’t talking about the horse. Damen said, ‘I’ll do it.’

this is an interesting contrast to the scene in book 1 where laurent remorselessly makes damen hold a guy so he can slit his throat. here, laurent apologizes. here, he says “we.” here, he doesn’t force damen to do it. and here, damen voluntarily does what needs to be done, so the recently-attacked laurent doesn’t have to.

When it was finished, he walked out of the undergrowth and found a place to clean his sword.

craft note: i like how this is written around the central action, instead of just naming the action itself. like it’s not just “so he killed the guy.” pacat tends to do this with sex, too.

It meant sharing a horse.

and there was only one horse…

Laurent’s gelding had a limp, which Laurent, on one knee, drawing a steady hand down its lower leg until it pulled its hoof up sharply, pronounced a sprained ligament. It could follow on a lead carrying the packs, he said. It couldn’t carry a rider.

horse girl laurent! saving this horse to make up for the one his uncle poisoned and forced him to mercy-kill in book 1!

So Damen swung into the saddle. A moment later he felt Laurent’s hand on his thigh. Laurent’s toe nudged into the stirrup. Laurent pushed up behind him, shifting until he was snug in position. His hips fitted unselfconsciously to Damen’s. Once he had settled, he clasped his arms around Damen’s midsection. Damen knew this about riding pillion: closer, it was easier on the horse.

LMAOOOO have fun with that guys

He heard Laurent’s voice from behind him, a little more oddly strapped-down than usual, ‘You have me over the back of your horse.’ ‘It’s not like you to give up the reins,’ Damen couldn’t help saying. ‘Well, I can’t see the way over your shoulders.’ ‘We could try some other arrangement.’ ‘You’re right: it should be me in front and you carrying the horse.’

this is adorable because they’re both very clearly flustered and not even bothering to hide it. they’re just bantering to avoid addressing it. laughing at the absurdity of the shared circumstances and their bodily reactions. it’s cute. they’re cute.

The horse’s rolling gait pushed their bodies together in constant rhythm.

i have never before considered the inherent eroticism of riding a horse with another person.

do you think their sexual tension freaks out the horse? do you think damen’s horse, who i’ve now decided is in love with laurent’s horse, is relieved that its injured partner has been brought along? are the horses qualified to file hr complaints, if damen and laurent get too weird with this? these are important questions.

Damen was aware that Laurent was taking more time with the horses than was necessary or usual. He ignored it.

this might be a strategy thing somehow, but i also think it’s sweet if laurent just takes comfort in the company of animals and is trying to make himself feel less shaken up after his near-death experience and the most sexually tense horse ride in recorded history

He would never know what had provoked that man to attack. Maybe he’d been thinking of the safety of his troop. Maybe whatever he had lived through at Tarasis or Breteau had stirred violence in him. Maybe he had just wanted to steal the horse. A third-rate soldier from a provincial troop; he would not have expected to meet his Prince, a commander of armies, and face him in a fight.

damen really did kill one of his people. damn. and he’s trying to be empathetic, because he’s damen, and that’s what he does.

‘I thought killing was easy for you,’ said Laurent. His voice was rather quiet. ‘I thought you did it without thinking.’

translation: are you okay?

‘I’m a soldier,’ said Damen, ‘and I have been for a long time. I’ve killed on the sawdust. I’ve killed in battle. Is that what you mean by easy?’

translation: i know i should be okay

‘You know it isn’t,’ said Laurent, in that same quiet voice.

translation: but you aren't

‘I know your feelings towards Akielos,’ said Damen. ‘What happened at Breteau . . . it was barbaric. I know it must mean very little to you to hear me say that I’m sorry for it. And I don’t understand you, but I know that war will bring worse, and you are the only person I have seen working to stop it. I couldn’t let him hurt you.’ ‘In my culture, it is customary to reward for good service,’ said Laurent, after a long pause. ‘Is there something you want?’

yeah guys this fireside heart-to-heart is totally all business. 100%

‘You know what I want,’ said Damen. ‘I am not going to release you,’ said Laurent. ‘Ask for something short of that.’ ‘Take off one of the wrist-cuffs?’ said Damen, who was learning—he realised somewhat to his surprise—what Laurent liked. ‘I give you too much leeway,’ said Laurent. ‘I think you give no more or less than you want to give, with anyone,’ said Damen, because Laurent’s voice had not been at all displeased.

what the fuck is wrong with them. i love them so much

(also, laurent not releasing damen is like a safety matter right now, right? for both of them, honestly, and their men. it's not like a flex of power.)

‘There is something I want.’ ‘Go on.’ ‘Don’t try to use me against my own people,’ said Damen. ‘If it comes to—I can’t do this again.’ ‘I would never have asked that of you,’ said Laurent. Then, when Damen looked at him with flat disbelief: ‘Not out of sweetness. There is little sense in pitting a lesser sense of duty against a greater one. No leader could expect loyalty to hold under those circumstances.’

1) i love this little hint of the “laurent is sweet” theme we see later on

2) the immediate certainty of “i’d never make you do that” really shows the real laurent, in a way we’ve rarely seen before. it’s like damen and the reader are finally being let in to the truth of him

3) “There is little sense in pitting a lesser sense of duty against a greater one. No leader could expect loyalty to hold under those circumstances.”

translation: i know that if you had to choose between me (the lesser duty) and your people (the greater one), it would be insane to expect you to choose me.

this reminds me of nicaise and laurent. as much as laurent tries to convince him otherwise, nicaise believes that laurent will always choose something more important than protecting him. neither of them expects anyone to stay by their side, or advocate for what they want and need. so they push people away instead and convince themselves that they’re meant to handle things alone.

‘I’ve never seen a throw like that,’ said Laurent. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it. Every time I see you fight, I wonder how it is Kastor got you in chains and onto a ship to my country.’

his big stupid heart

He had never, in those days, sought to put himself inside the mind of Kastor, of the men around him, their ambitions, their motivations; those who were not openly his enemies, he’d believed, were basically like himself.

NICE VS. GOOD THEME CENTRAL REALIZATION!! “those who were not openly his enemies, he’d believed, were basically like himself.” but here he is, having killed one of his own countrymen to protect the person who should be his worst enemy, reeling with the uncomfortable reality of his nation’s cruelty and forced to confront its victims. knowing, more and more every day, that he shares more values with laurent than he ever has with kastor or jokaste.

‘He poisoned my horse,’ said Laurent. ‘You saw her, the morning of the hunt. She was already feeling it, even before we rode out.’

something about laurent referring to the horse with “her” instead of “it” breaks my heart. he must have loved her.

‘That . . . was your uncle’s doing?’ The silence stretched out. ‘It was my doing,’ Laurent said. ‘I forced his hand when I had Torveld take the slaves to Patras. I knew when I did it . . . it was ten months to my ascension. Time was running out for him to make a definitive move against me. I knew that. I provoked him. I wanted to see what he would do. I just—’ Laurent broke off. His mouth twisted in a small smile that had no humour in it at all. ‘I didn’t think he’d really try to kill me,’ he said. ‘After everything . . . even after everything. So you see I can be surprised.’

what a huge re-contextualization of book 1. laurent hadn’t expected this consequence of his choice to honor damen’s request, but he had suffered it in silence instead of blaming damen or regretting the choice itself.

damen and laurent’s arcs both deal heavily with the idea of suffering alone—who’s doing it better, who deserves to do it, if they even need to suffer alone when they could suffer (and succeed) together instead. i’ll keep pulling at that thread as the reading goes on.

Damen said, ‘It’s not naive to trust your family.’ ‘I promise you, it is,’ said Laurent.

you guys are on opposite sides of a scale here. it’ll be good when you start balancing each other out

But I wonder, is it less naive than the moments when I find myself trusting a stranger, my barbarian enemy, whom I do not treat gently.’ He held Damen’s gaze, as the moment lengthened. ‘I know you’re planning to leave when this border fight is done,’ said Laurent. ‘I wonder if you’re still planning to use the knife.’ ‘No,’ said Damen. ‘We’ll see,’ said Laurent.

that laurent response is soooooo nicaise :’(

also, going from “whom i do not treat gently” to the eventual “i think if i gave you my heart, you would treat it gently” AHHHH

also also, laurent outright admitting that he trusts damen? and then saying that he’s still pretty sure damen is going to kill him with a knife, almost as if laurent deserves it? his brain is so mean to his heart

Damen looked away, his gaze raking the dark beyond the campsite. ‘You really think it’s still possible to stop this war from happening?’ When he looked back, Laurent nodded, a slight but steady and deliberate movement, the answer clear, unmistakable and impossible: Yes.

were you really expecting any other answer from mr. "probably"? or did you just want the reassurance of hearing/seeing him confirm it?

‘Why didn’t you call a halt to the hunt?’ said Damen. ‘Why ride and cover up your uncle’s treachery, if you knew your horse had been poisoned?’ ‘I—assumed it had been made to look as though one of the slaves had done it,’ said Laurent, a little quizzically, as though the answer was so obvious that he wondered if he had misunderstood the question.

again, laurent often seems to view his own suffering as deserved. like it’s a no-brainer. it’s a really interesting quality of his, that somehow exists at the same time as his self-assurance and strong moral conviction. maybe it’s because of that conviction that he’s so easily able to blame himself when he and/or the circumstances fall short of his moral standards.

He thought of Naos, who had been so certain. He wanted to lay the blame for what he felt on Laurent, but what he felt had no easy name, and in the end he said nothing at all, but banked the fire in silence, and when the time came he lay down on his roll to sleep.

he’s rounding a corner with the nice vs. good theme! i wouldn’t say it’s pleasant for damen to develop this kind of mistrust, but at least it makes him less delusional. and a certain amount of skepticism is important to keep yourself safe (said by someone like laurent, who has way more skepticism than a normal well-adjusted person)

He woke with a crossbow bolt in his face.

not a great way to wake up after a mini-crisis about trust issues

Damen now knew the precise number of arrows Laurent needed to have trained on him in order to shut him up. It was six.

He didn’t resist the gag either, though it came as a surprise; Damen saw his head jerk back a little, reflexively, as a cloth was shoved into his mouth.

gagging laurent is worse than taking his sword. his voice is his #1 weapon!

[writingmochi]

cast: heeseung ✗ fem.reader (ft. red velvet's seulgi, exo's kai, and original characters)

synopsis: a teenager with tormenting demons following behind her moves to a new school when she encounters a boy who has his own set of demons. together, they confide with one another's similarities as well as through music when the boy introduces the teen to his current obsession: the dreamy pop soundscape of moonstruck.

genre: coming of age, realistic fiction, bildungsroman, slice of life, drama, romance, high school au, early 2000s au, angst, fluff, mature content (bullying, harassment, explicit smut)

inspired by: music radiohead's "motion picture soundtrack" (2000), movie all about lily chou-chou (2001) and literature “heaven” by mieko kawakami (2009)

word count: 46372 (46.3k)

warning(s): physical and verbal bullying, sexual harassment and assault, suicide attempt, murder (please don't read if you can get triggered), familial neglect, descriptions of blood, bruises, wounds, and scars, drug consumption (cigarette, mentions for alcohol, marijuana, and other hard drugs), piercing(s) and sharp objects, crowd crush, mention of parent infidelity, mention of sugar dating/enjo-kōsai, mention of debt and being hunted by debt collectors, two smut scenes (soft sex and rough sex), loss of virginities (m&f), hand job (m&f receiving), oral (m&f receiving), overstimulation, multiple orgasms, creampie, manhandling, spanking, marking, breath play (choking), subspace

message of the moon: remember that this story is fiction and do be careful and read the warnings at the top. all the idols mentioned here are not what they are in real life.

this is my first fic since april 2024 my god! genuinely sorry. turns out my exchange program is much more overwhelming that i just can't seem to have the motivation to write and finish drafts. it is also a birthday fic from me to you guys! if you plan to read this, thank you for giving it a chance and hope you enjoy it!

motion picture soundtrack | trailer part of the frequency modulation anthology | an entry for discovery: 400

moonstruck: a solo female korean singer-songwriter known for the genres of dream pop, folk, new age, neo-psychedelia, ambient. inspirations: lily chou-chou, meaningful stone, ichiko aoba releases mentioned: windswept / breathe / angels

a sterile hum filled the space. clicks and clacks are followed in a chaotic rhythm.

pausing. clicks. pausing. clacks.

《hello》 《i didn’t know that there is a place like this before》 《from: bambi

the shine of the monitors reflects onto the iris. the blueish screen that lit up the room, letting the moon’s image show up on the edges of his sight before returning to focus on the incoming messages.

《a newcomer!》 《welcome to the space station》 《where people gather to talk about moonstruck》 《from: pearl

he gazes at the poster hanging behind his thick monitor: the printed moon seemingly glowing for him, yet it is because of the beam that is hitting the image on the correct spot. he follows the light beam from outside to then meet the sight of the real moon painting the outdoor sky. the guitar chords continue to play as the noise of the whirling cd is gone and covered by the beautiful masterpiece. his vision returns towards the screen as he scrolled upwards with his mouse. the boy skim-reads multiple conversations that have taken place in this virtual room.

《listening to moonstruck just feels... different》 《it is like you are floating》 《from: silver

《truly the greatest musician to have ever lived on this earth》 《from: 1004

《moonstruck is not even an earthling》 《she is just the moon personified》 《both its calmness and chaoticness. blessing us to the greatest music ever made》 《from: pearl

the boy glances back to see the familiar name, a smirk forming on his face. maybe this is the perfect place for him to go to. a perfect place to not think about everything and to just fully embrace what moonstruck has shaken within his soul. that is when he heard the piercing sound of the ringtone plays as he turns around.

gulping down his saliva, he lets out a huge sigh before pressing the button and pressing it against his ear. the voice that lingers in his mind calls to him as he stays quiet—letting the spoken message enter his ear and capture every detail as possible. the call ends not even a minute later. he lets out an exhale before returning to the keyboard, typing back his response.

《thank you, pearl》 《i will try to be active more here》 《from: bambi

he grabs his light backpack and stands up from his wheeled desk chair, seeing the box that forms the webpage become blurry as the colours melt together. brushing his hair for the last time, he stepped outside to do what he needed to do under the navy sky. the moon protecting him once more.

-

black shoes coming into vision as they both take steps in succession. the breeze of the spring weather blows, letting the new school uniform shake and move against the body that wears it. the third uniform in the past two years, and a new school logo every semester.

the socks cover right above your ankles enough that it won’t make you shiver as you continue striding towards the school you will be attending. your eyes gaze at the stores still with their entrances covered either by metal doors or wooden panels. a few of them being unlocked and uncovered as you went past them; a new day of business for this side of town. though, this is your first time seeing them with your eyes.

the steady drum rhythm enters your ears as you hold on to your cd walkman, decorating your morning in this unfamiliar place you only just arrived in a mere two days ago. then, you hear the other footsteps around you getting louder. looking ahead, you gaze at the girls wearing the same uniform outfit as yours. most with their alterations, such as the unbuttoned-up shirt all throughout and the little amount of shirt untucked from inside the skirt. your eyes continue to look downwards and forward, continue your journey to the class and, at least, meet up with your homeroom teacher first.

entering the gates, you gaze at the enormous field for football practice as you notice the goalposts on both ends. some students are playing there while others watch, waiting for the bell to ring as they sometimes glance at the large clock placed above the gate. the sound of guitar wailing in your ears creating a shield for you and the words spoken by students you passed by. nevertheless, few words come to seep through the barrier as you continue to walk.

“that’s the new student in year 2.”

“i heard that she was number one in her previous school.”

“but isn’t her school not that good though, especially compared to us?”

“yeah, well. i heard that she’s filthy rich.”

“really? nothing of her look speaks rich.”

“maybe it’s intentional?”

you continue to walk as you let your face rest in its default state, taking a deep breath in as you stop yourself to shake your head; to not let them show that this affects you.

not again.

but, deep down, you know it will. word spreads between people fast as you have recognised from time to time.

the talk of a new family renting such a dilapidated, out-of-place large house with a large courtyard area outside of the known residential area. the couple’s appearance has the looks that could compare to the celebrities seen on magazines. there is also a rumour on how the matriarch of the new family slept with the vice principal so her daughter could get into the good high school of the town—something you wish you could actually forget about as you can still hear the moaning sound from the other room when you’re setting up your personal computer set. the patriarch is nonchalant about it in the dining room whilst reading the newspaper as the voices reverberate throughout the house, knowing that he will and is doing the same with other women for the sake of his, his wife, and his family’s status. to uphold it and keep that image going on.

well, you aren’t even going to be surprised if the rumours you left behind from the other town come to chase you here too. especially with the many acquaintances you have from school only to be left stunned by the sudden announcement of your departure, but also the people who have tormented said family smiling widely on their faces as they see you all go away in a hurry.

knocking on the door gently, the voice inside signals you to slide the door as you enter the room full of teachers. your eyes gaze at the many adults sitting at their desks, opening and checking their files, preparing their books and notes for the upcoming classes of today.

“ah, new kid.” you turn your head towards the side to find a male teacher in a jumpsuit. one of the teachers mom and dad sit across from as they talk about you entering this new school alongside that vice principal mom hooks up with to get you a seat here. coach kim as you remember what he likes to be called because you sat closest to him in the whole discussion.

“what class did you get?”

“uh...” you press the stop button on your cd walkman before speaking, “2-2.”

“ah, seulgi’s class.” coach kim pushes his legs on the ground, his chair moving towards the front of your pathway from the half-wall maze-like desks as he gazes at the female teacher by the window. her hair tied into a lousy ponytail with her head tilted to gaze at the desk.

“seulgi-nim.” her head turns to follow the call of her name, looking annoyed at coach kim before lifting her eyes to look at you standing by coach kim’s desk.

“oh, (y/n). come, come.” she gestures with her hand as you turn your body towards the coach, bowing your body with a quick spoken “thank you” as you walk towards who you assume is your homeroom teacher. by the looks of it, miss kang—as you read from the document in the mail you’ve gotten—seems to be pretty young. maybe in her early 30s with a youthful presence that can make her blend in with the students here.

“g-good morning.” you bow your head as soon as you arrive by her table. miss kang lets out a smile that also makes her eyes smile. something that warms your heart because you never meet someone that excited to see you. yes, not even your parents who are particularly too focused on themselves.

“(y/f/n), yes? or (y/n) is fine?” she glances at your nametag that you handsewn into your school blazer.

“(y/n) is fine.” you echo back. your voice meek to follow her gentle voice. the sight of the wind brushing against the growing leaves makes it much more magical to peer at. you glance down as you catch sight of a folder with your name opened up, transcripts of your scores from your previous two schools displayed there in handwriting.

“welcome to woonmyung high school. i suppose you have gotten your class schedules?” you nodded to her answer, looking back to gaze at her eyes as you ignored the scarily bad score you’d gotten on the paper she was definitely observing. the history of the multiple times you’ve been mugged of your homework before resulting in them being that bad. it’s a miracle that you still do your tests well even with the many sabotages you’ve endured.

“i will bring you to class as we also announce things that will be happening in the new semester.” the chair is pushed back as she stands up, organising the messy paper and folders back onto the shelf beside her desk.

“ok,” you replied with an exhale, tucking the headset wrapped around your neck as you carefully put it alongside your walkman inside your backpack. you could see the tears it has near the seams: your trustee backpack that has been by your side since a long time ago. it has stains of dirt and other condiments on it that you could not count because of the multiple times it was thrown around and things thrown onto it. zipping it up, the sound of the bell ringing makes you jump as you turn your head towards the corridor—staring through the window as you watch multiple students walk into their classes in a hurry and even in calm.

you step into the corridor when it is empty—trying to take in the path to your classroom but get distracted by the view you peek through from the many classroom windows. you catch the various sounds of teachers talking about this week’s homeroom things with the students settled in their individual chairs and tables. some of them put the information on the board and the other thinks speaking about it is enough for the students to take in. your path follows that of miss kang as her walk seems much more like a glide even though she wore such a tight skirt. her walking pace slows down as you tidy your uniform once again, tugging your skirt down so that you won’t get any wardrobe malfunctions before the familiar sound enters your ear as you look forward to finding the class door labelled 2-2 opens to the side with the woman now out of your sight.

the commotion becomes quiet as miss kang steps inside first. the students looking at her as she speaks her greeting before they turn their heads towards the door that she didn’t close. they peek to the door to find your static figure as you pause yourself like you are being spotlighted.

then it started.

snickers. giggles. whispers.

the familiar sounds you’ve heard all the time settling onto some of them as you shift your head to catch miss kang looking at you. gulping down your saliva, you step inside the classroom and carefully slide the door closed.

taking in the classroom clearly, your eyes landed on the empty table two rows from the cupboard at the back of it where students put their belongings. the lights from the sun coming in from the windows in rays that lighted some people while shrouding others. but you can still feel eyes on you as you walk the walk you’ve experienced multiple times in your young life once again.

“we have a new student, everyone.” miss kang said before her hand rested on your lower back, signalling you to continue the usual steps.

“g-good morning. my name is (y/n). i do hope you will treat me well.” you bowed your body near a 90-degree angle, lasting for around three seconds as you slowly blinked and lifted your body upright. hoping that, yes, they do they will treat you well this time. even though you know it won’t by the looks on some faces as they are holding back on expressing something.

“thank you, (y/n). please, take your seat.”

you exhale a breath you didn’t realize you were holding, feeling your cheeks getting warm as the usual tingling caresses your skin once again from the gazes of your new classmates. eyes gazing at the empty table, they trail to the familiar item on the table behind it. shifting quickly, you glance to find a similar cd walkman to the one you own resting on the table. trailing further upwards, you found the owner.

he is wearing the school’s navy blazer but minus the vest you’re wearing. the first two buttons of his uniform shirt open where you could see the inner light grey t-shirt peeking out. his eyes are wide and his hair is styled so that a few strands at the front frame his forehead well. his full lips are a bit chapped before you take a quick glance at the eyebags underneath his wide brown eyes. you reach your desk too fast to gather any information about a name, turning your body towards the front to avoid suspicions but you could hear the movement behind you. the sound of something moving on the wooden table as you gaze at the desk with a drawer underneath it. the number on the desk’s corner telling you of the cupboard you can put your belongings into. textbooks, notebooks, stationery, and more.

putting the backpack down inside the desk’s legs, you tidy up the skirt’s fabric against your thighs as you settle down on the chair where you will sit the rest of the semester. miss kang continues to talk about what is usually talked about in the homeroom session as you rummage to get your things out for the lesson after this. ignoring the many glances and whispers you know are targeting you.

the class has gone well for most of the part because you ignored them, well, nearly all. you just move your head and body enough for you to be able to read what is written on the blackboard with the chalk’s unstable clarity. the snickers continue as you focus on the board at the front. that is when you catch a folded paper coming into your vision from your right side and landing on your table.

twisting your head to glance at where it comes from, you find a boy sitting beside you only with his unkempt uniform on. his eyes gazing at you with a squint in it. the corners of his eyes becoming more of a straight line as you watch him smirk. eyes moving from your bewildered face to the note on your table. focusing out of him; you notice other boys in seats around him doing the same thing. looking at you like predators.

quickly, you pick up the note as you place it on your lap, thumbs on either side of the fold and push it open.

hey newbie. you definitely look better without the uniform on.

heat rises once again to your cheeks as you take a small glance at them before you hear another snicker coming from near the corner of the room by the door. a group of girls who are also looking at you with looks that seem so distinct from the boys. yes, you received notes like this with such disgusting words. but never one that seemed to imply something sexual. swallowing the saliva gathered on your tongue, your fingertips rub against the paper. to rip it up like you should do, to hide it like you would always do before, or to leave it be so that the teacher could see it.

your hands quickly move as you finish taking in all options: folding it back and tucking it into the drawer underneath. it earns you more chuckling from the boys and girls as you just want to hide away in the darkest corner of this school you could ever find. instead of wanting more attention to you, you cower into your seat and grab your pencil once again. tucking your head near your chest so that nobody could see just how flustered and shameful you are.

the snicker also comes from the boy sitting behind you, taking a small peek at him with his messy desk before his eyes move towards the boy seated beside you. observing their interaction, one glance from the boy beside you quiets the snicker of the boy behind you, adding the description of this boy’s power dynamic upon people. the boy behind you has the corner of his lips falling down, his head hanging low as his bangs covered the top half of his face. returning your sight back to the front of the class, you continue to make yourself small, taking as little space as possible for movement, until the class is finished.

as the teacher said his farewell, students flocked towards the door as they headed towards somewhere for the lunch break. you went back to the cupboard to put the books inside before you pulled out something from your backpack: the lunch box filled with food you created for yourself this morning. feeling the condensation of the hot meal against the lid, you lifted it open to smell the tasty aroma of kimchi fried rice that makes you drool. resting your backpack on the cupboard so you can settle back to your seat, you lifted your lunch box and turned your body, slamming onto another hard surface as you picked up gasps coming from around you.

the sound of your utensils landing on the floor follows with a big splat from your lunch box as you see the red of the kimchi staining the tile floor. your head lifted to see someone in a similar outfit to you but with a big red stain and grains of rice on her blazer. your vision landed on the nametag of jung seona.

“what the fuck, bitch?” her voice makes you look at the face it is from. eyes widening to recognize her as one of the girls who were also looking at you and snickering with the boys. and so are the three girls around her and you, caging you in. you knew that this would eventually happen. that they would accidentally slam onto you to spill your food on them. but not on your first day being here.

“i, i’m so sor-“

“sorry doesn’t cut it,” seona says, her grimace combined with a hidden grin you could recognize as you know you can’t do anything when you are being surrounded. her finger points at you, “you have to pay for this. for the laundry, at least.”

you wanted to open your mouth when one girl beat you to it, lifting your backpack as she shook it so the contents fell down. your hair clip, your cd walkman, your wallet, and your phone with silver strap and star decorations on it. you wanted to grab onto the walkman when hands grab onto your own arms and shoulders as they held you still. hearing the click of the tongue, you watch another girl—risoo from her nametag—giggling as she pulls out the cash you only have in your wallet. a 1000 won banknote in her hand as she gave it seona standing behind you.

“that should be enough,” she said.

“enough and more.” seona replied and giggled.

“also fucking disgusting of you to drop food like that,” another girl said as she lets go of you, making you tumble and fall down beside your leftover food.

“come on, bitch. eat it,” one other girl said as you tried to stay strong, yet your eyes were trembling as you could sense the tears forming up. you wanted to stay strong, but you could hear how your stomach was rumbling at the wrong time.

“oh, girly is hungry. such a shame that her only food is the one on that disgusting floor.” the girl who held onto you says from beside you.

“yeah, and she should definitely clean it up,” another girl echoes as they all snicker.

“you know, there is a two bird one stone solution for this...” risoo said as her steps sounded closer to you. then, a grip on your hair pushes you towards the fallen kimchi fried rice. your face hitting the rice as it stains all over your skin. your head still pushes back before more weight is added with the force, making you have to open your mouth so oxygen can enter you because of your blocked nose.

“come on, doggy. eat your lunch.” risoo voices behind you as you can’t help but actually swallow the rice or else you might choke. that is when you discover the clicking and sound of a digital camera that you stop to fight back. shame clouding you once again as you don’t want to show your face.

with hair covering your eyesight, you lift your head as you pick up the clicking sounds on a phone that has a silver strap and stars. your phone being messed with as you see the dexterous fingers pressing against buttons multiple times. spelling out a name or message or something when you heard a ringtone on another phone that comes from seona’s shirt pocket.

“if i call, answer, alright?” said girl commands, dropping the phone down as it landed on top of your hand on the floor. softening its hit, but you could feel your flesh breaking on the impact as blood flowed through them and warmed the area up. the girls moved away from you. messy hair covering your face as you can only glimpse through them and your blurry sight.

“come, girls. we have a much more decent lunch to get to.” seona taunts as the girls stepped away from the class and closes the back door of the class. leaving you alone to wallow in the condition you find yourself in once again. the chirping of the bird helps you to think your next best action as you just... be. wanting even more to search for that darkest corner so you would not be found.

your hands move to scoop the fallen kimchi fried rice into the container and grab tissues from your backpack to wipe the stains away alongside the water from your water bottle until it is as clean as possible. you also took your pocket mirror and opened it, seeing the cracked mirror on it as you rubbed away the stains that rested on your skin before it dried up. your hair is messy as you stare at yourself and your eyes are swollen with a teardrop actually falling down, making you quickly brush it away with your hand.

the grumbling stomach reminds you of the food you made as you drop it into the bin alongside the whites of the tissue. you glance at the open wallet leftover from what happened to find nothing in it, feeling so angry at yourself for not committing to the idea of putting emergency money in another pocket if this thing happens again. you have gotten personal items stolen from this exact wallet and you are smart enough to not include them in it, but you have to remind yourself you should put emergency money either inside the cardholder of the wallet or even other pockets of your bag. with nothing to do for this lunch and no money to even buy lunch, you tuck your phone into your blazer pocket and grab onto the walkman that they seemed to leave alone.

after putting the backpack away into your cupboard, you step outside the class to notice a much emptier corridor than you expect because most of the students are at the cafeteria, field, or other hang-out places in the school. you walk towards the sets of stairs as you look upwards. maybe you’ll find the deepest corner you were searching for on the floor upstairs.

the climb up doesn’t feel as tiring as you thought when it is combined with the little gush of wind blowing. on the floor landing, you look to both sides to find more classes and the half wall before you that overlooks the front of the school and field. sounds coming from meters below you as you try to observe as best as you can on things on the floor. that’s when you see a corner between classes with the one nearest to the light showing you another set of stairs.

your feet striding again towards the shrouded space as you see the stairs leading up and you smirked. you know of your fair share of rooftops as a hangout place. and you don’t care about how windy, rainy, or sunny it is. you will be on the rooftop nearly all the time in your previous schools and no one seemed to know about it the school’s staff who have to do maintenance there. hopefully, it’s the same thing here.

the green exit sign shines above you as you push open the door to the rooftop. another gush of wind, albeit harder, blows against your face and body as you carefully let go of the door so it doesn’t slam into the frame. you could see the view you saw from the lower floor, but it was much, much smaller and blurry. stepping more onto the open space and underneath the noon sun, you walked towards the edge of the rooftop fenced with fences even taller than you, much different from the half walls you see on your previous schools’ rooftop. your hand reaches for the fence, feeling your fingers wrapping around one of its holes as you can visualize the cage changing into the sight of the skirt-wearing girls’ legs that were also caging you as you don’t want to look up. memories that seemed so long ago, even though it was from months before today.

sighing, you turn your head to walk towards the side of the door so that no one can see you when they arrive at the rooftop. pressing your hand against the walkman that is between your armpit, you put on the headset and cover your ears as you walk towards a wall: a barrier from the box containing the staircase down. turning around, you glance down and hold onto your walkman as you slowly slide down against the wall. your finger pressing the power button as you see the light turning on alongside the whirling of the cd inside. you press the rewind button as the cd rapidly spins before a sudden stop, and then you are met with the sound of a subdued synth piano coming.

you rested your head against the wall, closing your eyes as you let the breeze blow against you as you breathed in and out the clear air. the beautiful sound going on in your ear captures the moment so well that you can sense the weight of rest landed on you, making your body calmer as you capture the notion of sleepiness once again from the hard nights of not even getting a minute of sleep. your legs stretched in front of you, feeling your muscles relaxing as your body releases the tension it endures on nearly every muscle.

letting out an enormous sigh, you open your eyes to find a silhouette right across from you. blinking away the blurriness, you tuck your legs closer to your chest as you stare at the figure. a figure you recognize.

a boy with his own pair of earbuds inserted into his ears, connected to the cd walkman he has lying beside his body. the school blazer opens more with the gust as you find more of his broad shoulders. the hair fallen by his forehead blows along with the wind as he watches you. his wide eyes on you.

here you two are, sitting on the walled area beside the rooftop entrance where the rest of the roof is barricaded by the fences. music enters each of your ears with both your headset and his earbuds on. you wanted to stand up and walk away to find another place, but you stayed as you eyed him. his gaze looks between your face before towards your blazer, scanning your name etched there. and you do the same.

the boy sitting on the desk behind you: lee heeseung.

-

《do all of you know mazzy star?》 《i heard that she inspired moonstruck to create her songs》 《from: cosmiccomet

《hope sandoval specifically》 《psychedelic sound that》 《if you listen to it》 《will actually make you float》 《both moonstruck and hope sandoval has this aura to them》 《what the station calls the celeste》 《something out of this world》 《only those who possess this can be assigned as the greatest musicians of all time》 《from: pearl

《started by the weird band out there》 《the velvet underground》 《its popularity can be compared to the beatles if they’re not so underground》 《from: walker0

《and it culminated into moonstruck》 《all its influences?》 《from: bambi

《sure thing》 《from: pearl

the boy sits down on the path between growing fields. the greenery overtook his sight and expanded into the horizon he could see. the moonstruck album, breathe, played in through his ears as he holds onto the walkman with both hands. pushing himself up from the asphalt road, he steps down and walks towards the dirt path visible from the growing grass nearly as tall as his thighs. the wind blows the pollen as it helps the plants grow. the edges of the flourishing leaves caressing his skin as he continues to walk, grazing his hand as it combines with the touch of the music player.

heeseung takes in the ethereal sound of moonstruck’s songs. something that always helps him to calm down his nerves. a remedy he had been obsessed with recently and to think that he wouldn’t find it if he walked away from that cd store too fast to hear the song playing over the speakers.

since he got his cd walkman on his 14th birthday, he had moved from listening to music on the radio to buying cheap on-sale cds in the store near school. songs like trot that he had heard in nearly every mom-and-pop shop he went to and the pop songs airing on tv made him tired of hearing them. and his introduction to more rock-sounding songs added colour to his otherwise colourless life, albeit only a bit of tone. on one of those trips, when he had to generate some money for eunho most easily, he discovered moonstruck.

the other boys didn’t search for him that day as the store clerk lets him listen to one song with the expensive headphones music people usually have. hearing the drum starting on time, not brash like the rock songs he listened to. much more relatable to his situation as he found his way to not think of what the others might have thought—they didn’t even realize he disappeared.

bruises and scars, inflicted by multiple people under one control, frequently decorate heeseung’s forearms. eunho was, is, and still a friend of his since middle school. but the domino of one after another changed him and his life, taking control of most if not all aspects of his old friends into his hands as he became the king of woonmyung high school. heeseung has to if he wants to survive. he had been on the opposite side of it once in the first year of high school and he swore he would never do it again.

two days ago, his dad had given him extra cash for his pocket money that he hid fast so that he couldn’t get mugged off. he ran towards the cd store by the school to see two discounted albums of moonstruck, windswept, and the latest, breathe. quickly, he grabbed them and stuffed them into his backpack. he had never left the house without his backpack housing his cd walkman, riding around on his bicycle into the days and nights where he had errands to do alongside his two other friends. chores he had to fulfil and if he succeeded, he would get a bigger cut. field trips to the grassy patches of greenery were when he had finished doing those errands; his usual bandage wrapped around his palm and only 500 won in coins given enough for him to eat a pack of the 500 won ramyeon.

coming home from the fields, the wailing cries of a newborn baby make heeseung realize his reality. when looking into the living room, he sees the scrunched eyes of his baby brother as tears fall down his cheeks.

“heeseung, is that you?” a voice comes from the kitchen.

“yes.”

“take care of heechan for me.”

the boy looks down at the crying baby. a sigh coming out of his open lips as he crouched down beside the blanket where his baby brother was resting. pushing his hand out, he cradles the head and little body and lifts it up before adjusting his holding position. the cry continues as heeseung gently moves heechan so that his little head can rest on his older brother’s shoulder. heeseung coos, seeing the drool staining his unbuttoned shirt alongside the dirt from the field. calming him down, heeseung eyes look between his brother and the living room filled with the remnants of his baby brother. new clothes and a new stroller, all seem to blend in alongside the wooden wall and his parents’ belongings. but he doesn’t see his own until he enters his room. glaring at the baby one last time, he sits kneeled down, hearing his brother’s cry calming down as the boy continues soothing his little backside. he wanted to scream at the baby with all that was happening to him ever since he was born, but he knew it was not the baby’s fault he was here.

his parents had heeseung when they were young. nearly the end of their last year of high school as his mom couldn’t even come to her graduation ceremony cause she had to give birth. having a younger set of parents is a turmoil in at of itself. children will grow up alongside their parents with this and he felt himself. he still remembered how sometimes his parents came home drunk, taking care of themselves more than his 5-year-old self. sometimes, they only remember him such as when he fell off the tree when he was 10, making them have to pay for his stitches and the leftover scar on his collarbone. and with his parents now in their mid-30s having a baby once again, their attention is on him more. making heeseung have to fend for himself until his parents gave him his allowance again.

mom approaches heeseung as she kneels down behind him. the boy hears how mom coos for his brother as he turns his head once again, being face to face with the wide brown eyes that he also has.

“dinner’s ready,” she tells him as the older boy hums, giving the baby to his mother as the coos continues and he walks towards the dining room. the steamy rice caught his attention as he grabbed his plate to scoop some up and the other dishes. he usually waited for the rest of the family to gather at the dining table. but, with the sound of the tv turning on and no hint of dad’s car coming, he has to be by himself again today.

laying down on his bed, his view of the whirring sound of the personal computer in the corner of his room is upside down. the tall cpu settles beside the desk that houses his desktop which looks so similar to the tv outside, the mechanical keyboard, and the mouse wired to the processing unit. beside it, a picture of a monochromatic spherical object looks like it is rising into his view. he turns his body to view it upright, reading the upside-down jumbled words of moonstruck. he got lucky when he was heading home from doing his errands, finding a store putting a poster of moonstruck’s first album’s promotional on sale by the window front—“i wanted to throw it away anyway since nobody listen to them” said the owner. the rope hugging his waist holds on the poster behind him as he rides his bicycle back home.

heeseung’s eyes gaze at the black-and-white picture when his ringtone fills the air as his hands crawl across the mattress and rest on the vibrating item.

“hello?” he calls.

“come to the usual place. now.”

the call disconnected as he wants to reply. his hold on the phone weakens as he drops his lifted arm to the mattress. he eyes the desk and poster of moonstruck once more and sighs, lifting his backpack up as he approaches his room’s door. opening it lightly, he hears the whines of his baby brother and the tv playing in the background. the bedroom on the other side of the house has its door closed as he catches the sound of running water flowing to the en suite bathroom his parents have in their room. stepping out of the front door, the gravel front is still empty of dad’s existence as he grabs onto the bicycle and sits on it, pushing with his foot as he balances himself before going into the familiar rhythm.

the raven colour masks the sky as heeseung’s bicycle headlights and a few street lamps light up the road. dark and obscured fields become the dominant space as he continues to pedal into the place he has been called to. he can see it in the distance. the moonlight created a backlit to the junkyard where he spend most of his time after school, especially when he has to do errands.

arriving on the rocky path, heeseung is enclosed by the junkyard of old vehicles that have been left to rot into pieces for years. no one greets him as he looks at the spotlighted area from his bike’s headlights. yet, he could hear the additional sound other than the gust of wind hitting the rusty metals. the laughter of boys that seemed more similar to hyenas—and it is approaching closer.

“there he is.” heeseung peers more into the darkness. four figures approaching the headlights as they all stand tall and mighty. one has his hood on as smoke comes out from his mouth.

“step off the bike and come here,” the familiar voice commands. heeseung’s hands hold on the handle tight before it loosens. the piercing gaze punctures something in him that hurts more and more if he continues to hold.

he lifts one of his legs and steps off the bicycle, letting it fall against the rocky road as the headlight still continues to turn on. the hooded boy steps closer to him. his facial features becoming more and more prominent as heeseung adjusts his eyes to darkness. a smirk adorning his face that he is all too familiar with. now towards him instead of someone else.

“a flock of birds told me you had extra money and didn’t give it to me.” eunho’s tone is mocking with a little gruff from his cigarette smoking. the light from the end of his blunt shines a bit of his mouth and nose before he blows the hot smoke towards heeseung, making him inhale it not like he had inhaled some of his own before.

“you remember the rule, right heeseung?” the boy chuckles, wiping his face with his clear hand. “of course, you do. you’ve been here since the first day.”

“and you should know your punishment for that.” heeseung stood there idle as the words got to him. yes, he knows the rule. yes, he has been with eunho since the start of all of this. he had kept heeseung at bay with this while many other boys changed. yes, he knew he had to give up on his money because eunho said so. because without him, heeseung would let go of one of the last anchors he had attached to this earth.

eunho steps backwards as heeseung stands there quietly. he watches the guy’s hand flicking towards the other three as they approach him. yet, heeseung still has his eyes on the pebbles by his shoes and that’s what he last saw before the force hits him hard; the darkness he sees is darker than the night.

one boy pulls the backpack strap holding onto heeseung’s shoulders as he can’t help to let out a groan, trying with his might to pull his arm close to his chest yet failing as the other two hold them open. his face buried against the rocks as someone puts pressure on his shoulder blades. he felt the end of this backpack strap slip from his fingers as he looked up, seeing youngbin—the new number 2—zip open his school backpack and turn it upside down. items upon items fell down as he watched his walkman fall to be cushioned by his notebook.

“not the walkman.” heeseung groaned before another boy pushed down again against his back. youngbin seems to take that in mind as he looks between the device and the boy who owns it.

“not the walkman.” youngbin echoes, yet his action says otherwise. he grabs the device in his hand. his finger pushes the button, and the lid opens as he looks at the disc. “but, yes to the cd.”

heeseung continues to be held back before a hit to his stomach pushes his breath away. his eyes becoming blurry as he watches youngbin takes the cd from the walkman and drop it back on the pile of notebooks. the boy looks at the disc, a grin threatening to show up as eunho looks on from behind him.

“moonstruck? who the fuck is moonstruck?” youngbin commented as he lets out a hearty laugh and look back at eunho who gives a look with a neutral expression on his face. heeseung heaves as the pain continues to build with another kick to the stomach. eyes focus on the disc that reflects the light from his bike’s headlights. he never thinks he feels such a big pain before this. the sound of a blitz crack pierces the air as heeseung’s quiet stun gazes as the cd falls onto the ground beside.

split in two.

heeseung arrived home that day, stepping inside the corridor as quietly as possible towards the bathroom. switching the lights on, he turns his head to look in the mirror. the scars creating blood red on his face. one of his eyes is swollen and he can see the area near the apple of his cheek becoming purple. lifting his t-shirt, he met the view of the bruising abdomen as it became harder for him to exhale. the breathe cd rupture into two haunting him as he placed them on the sink, continuing to gaze at it as he aided himself as best as he could.

the errands continue as if the boys forgot what they did to one of them a few days prior. heeseung had the windswept cd close to his chest, always bringing the case around so he could keep it safe. the sound of the calmness of moonstruck’s music playing as he leans his head back against the wall, letting the wind blow on the rooftop. both sounds create a synergy in his head before the sight of an open door halts it alongside the sound it makes. a girl turning her body towards the area beside the tall wall that houses the staircase going to the school building, the area where he sits and the area that he shares with the girl. the area that he shares with you.

sitting down across from him, he gazes at you who is also wearing your own headset connected to the cd walkman that is the same colour as his. you pull out your lunch box and eat it up, body still heaving to take enough breath as if you are running away from someone. he sometimes has his eyes on you, but most of the time, he actually takes a nap there. the spring weather having the right combination to lull him to sleep—him being outside until late at night doesn’t help. and so he rested, even for just a moment.

after giving the money to eunho and stepping away from that, heeseung is still haunted by the broken cd of breathe that he had walked himself to the store. being one of the newest cds out, he couldn’t find any breathe disc in the smaller store. but, just the atmosphere of the display captures his sight so badly. the promotional poster of moonstruck—a woman in a long, flowy white dress with the moon covering her face—stuns him. he eyes the stacks upon stacks of copies of breathe at the lower price that he had bought it a couple of days ago. but, with his hands rubbing inside the pockets he could reach, he knew he didn’t have the money.

yet, he takes one.

and he stares at it sitting on the desk. his head tilts down from where he sits. the bitter tone of the room sending chills down his neck as he sees a figure standing beside him, looking down at the cd and him. his fingers rub against each other on his lap as only the light coming from the window on the door is making the space much more visible. that is until shadows cover the light, twisting the knob and pushing the door open.

“the teacher is here, boss,” an employee says as the clicking of high heels becomes more prominent. he doesn’t want it to rattle him more, and that’s why he has his eyes closed, letting the words hit him more.

“good afternoon, sir-“

“is this your student?” the man standing by him asks after the familiar voice greets him. when he recognized the face, his eyes came to flutter open. indeed, he is the one who called miss kang here.

“yes, he is,” she replied. steadiness in her voice.

“miss, your student here has been caught shoplifting,” the man says, opening his palm to refer to the moonstruck cd. heeseung’s head tilts lower, shame bubbling in himself. he could pick up the ruffling of clothes moving behind him, voices that were loud becoming only whispers as tinnitus overwhelmed him more and more. vision becomes blurry not because of tears: like a vignette frames his eyesight as he only stares at the cd he had held in his hands.

“you sure?”

he continues to look at the cd before a hand grabs it, lifting his head up to see the cashier scan the item as someone puts cash on the counter. peeking from the corner, he finds miss kang standing there, looking at the employee who gives the change that she picks up. miss kang picks up the cd, holding it to her body as she reads the cover and track lists on the back. her footsteps left the counter as heeseung followed behind her.

they now stood by the side of the entrance, still staring at the cd casing with information that is relevant for the people interested in buying. but for heeseung, the information tells him what this album is supposed. windswept is more of a creamy sandy colour. while breathe is very green. the aura of celeste he learned about envelops him both visually and aurally to identify this clearer.

the cd appears in front of his upper body. he looks back to see miss kang with a tight-lipped smile. “for you.”

heeseung’s fingers wrapped onto the cd casing as he held it close against his chest, hearing her clearing her throat before speaking, “we still have to inform your parents of this. of your behaviour.”

the sentence makes heeseung turn his head back down, looking at the cd as he sighs, nodding his head. knowing that he has nothing to refute that.

arabesque plays in his ear as he stares at the yellowish-brown coloured wooden sliding door of his homeroom class. the bud sits snugly in his ear as he stares forward, not minding anyone who goes past him. then, two shadows stood in front of him in a prolonged manner that he lifted his head, seeing both miss kang and coach kim standing side by side. heeseung slowly let out a sigh even with the minuscule size of his parted lips. he pushes himself up, already knowing what their request is.

he walked behind the two teachers, folding the wire around the cd walkman as they brought him to the other wing of the school buildings mostly filled with laboratories. looking straight, he recognized the appearance of some rooms from outside: the infirmary that holds sick kids and the consulting room.

heeseung could pick up the commotion behind him as he walked—either some talking about him or they just don’t give a flying fuck. it is still recess time after all. his body is tall enough to let him see into the room from the window; seeing how a student is being treated in the infirmary. they arrive in front of the counselling office. coach kim opens the door to let miss kang in and he follows. his eyes on his mom’s figure already sitting on one of the sofas.

gently, he took steps to reach the sofa and sat next to his mom in a flowy dress and the stroller on her other side.

“good afternoon. i didn’t realize that you had company. heeseung hasn’t told us you have given birth,” coach kim says, breaking the ice as heeseung hears his mom chuckling. heechan is sleeping inside his carriage peacefully and all heeseung can do is give a small glance before looking forward at the glass coffee table.

“yes, coach kim and miss kang, right?” they nodded in reply as she continued, “is something happening to heeseung? is everything okay?”

heeseung’s eyes continue to stare downwards feeling something piercing through the side of his head just with a small glance from his mom. the boy’s hands clench and fidgets on his lap, staying quiet even with a minuscule time to peek to see that his mom is looking towards him.

“well... we cannot sugarcoat this predicament your son has gotten himself into,” coach kim replied. his angular face creates a stoic expression that make heeseung have chills running down his spine. his mom turns her head forward, staring between the two teachers with furrowed eyebrows.

“heeseung got into trouble. he got caught shoplifting a cd,” miss kang says in a soft voice as said boy lets out a long exhale alongside it.

then, it hits him. a thud against his side and a sharp hit against his cheek.

multiple hits as he had to gaze towards the door of the room, mom hitting him with her clenched fist. the baby’s cry adding to the tension. his eyes look at the window beside the door. eyes from multiple people staring at him as one of them has a smirk on their face. eunho’s face.

the hitting stops as coach kim creates a barrier between the woman and her son’s body. the boy twisting his body so that he could get a grip on the baby’s stroller. his hands reaching inside to grab onto the baby’s side and lift him out of his resting place. heeseung lets the baby’s snot and tears stain his uniform, helping to calm him down as heechan’s cry is something that he has been doing inside his soul. to just let out such an agonizing scream, hopeful that someone wanted to check out and tell him it was okay to feel that way.

a liquid trails down his cheek as he stops it right before it hits his brother’s head. looking at the side of the finger, he found a smear of crimson as the little breeze pushed on his skin, feeling the icy pain against the cut of his cheek. his mom has seated down once again. heeseung’s eyes focus on her fingers to see that she is wearing the wedding ring on her designated finger. a drop of blood on the corner of the gemstone.

“it’s only one cd. i have come and clear his name. he does...” miss kang pauses, gazing at her student, who has droplets of blood forming from a cut and is on its way downward, calming down his baby brother at the same time.

“still...” mom replied with a just voice, “stealing is stealing.”

the words hit him so much. having money taken away from him, milking him of his allowance to benefit others: it is so messed up that for him to survive the day, he has to resort to stealing. if not, he might not eat. dad has sometimes given him more allowance than usual yet, even that was taken. is it not his right to do whatever with his money can do? why don’t they understand him?

why won’t everyone just leave him alone? leave him to actually be responsible for himself?

yet, why does he feel so lonely, even with a little brother in his hand?

air grazes the open wound on his cheek as he plays said disc, letting the music fill up his mind as he can receive the little grumbles of his stomach. stepping into the class alone, heeseung laid his backpack on top of the cupboard. he glances at his fingertips that were holding onto heechan before mom picks him up from him. he is reminded of when his baby brother was born: his little palm and fingers gripping onto his fingertip so tight. chirping of birds also decorated the entire atmosphere, where he rummaged to put unneeded items back into his cupboard.

the sound of the door opening doesn’t bother him, yet the giggles are; sending goosebumps along his skin.

“ah, heeseung...” one of them calls, a tinge of raspiness in his voice making his imagination spiral. then more steps are heard. a large shadow overcasts before him. turning his head, he comes face to face with the boys he calls his friends—whatever “friend” means...

heeseung saw one boy pointing at the hurting scar on his cheek, the face tissue he wiped the blood from still tucked in his pocket. that and their snickers reminded him of the very night when the incident that started this whole chain reaction happened. if he just gave them the money, this would not happen. if he just held back from buying a moonstruck cd, he would not be feeling pain and just... continued doing his other things with this group of boys.

“you’re so stupid, huh?” eunho started, “you think because you shoplift much stuff that you can do it by yourself without the others by you?”

“i see it more as a skill issue.” youngbin added, making the other two laugh alongside him.

“ah, please. and a cd too? don’t tell me it’s that moonstruck singer again?” one boy continued, the other three looking at heeseung sheepishly as he said nothing. his silence is him telling the truth of this very question. and it makes them laugh out loud, too loud that it makes heeseung scrunch his face.

“gosh, you think you’re tough, huh? well, look at you. even got a slap from your mom, for fuck’s sake,” eunho remarks before youngbin gives him a nudge. “his mom looks hot though. i think she is still pretty young.”

“fuckable i might say,” the other boy said as heeseung balled his hand into his fist. sure, he knows of the age difference between him and his parents are 18 years. yet, that is his mom that they’re talking about. the same mom that scarred his skin and startled her other son awake from his slumber. the boys continue to giggle, adding to the cacophony of the sounds and voices in his head as his breathing is rapid. and that’s when he heard the school bell ringing, ending lunchtime. he looked behind the boys towards the door to the back of the class door.

your hand slides the door as he meets your face. your cupid’s bow is curving downwards as he can see a plaster also adorning the bridge of your nose. a slight frown added to the whole appearance of you as you take quick glances at every boy surrounding him before giving a look few seconds to heeseung. other footsteps emerge from behind you as the boys turn towards their chair and he turns back towards the cupboard. he takes many more peeks behind his back: the boys sitting down in their seats, the popular girls being loud as they enter the classroom. and you who have put down your backpack and are ready to face the class.

heeseung fidgets with his pen as the teacher comes into the room. soft noises of turning pages and clicking emerge as the teacher writes keywords onto the chalkboard. he opens his notebook and lets the teacher’s words make sense in his head first before he writes it down. his pen moving along to the way heeseung moves his fingers. he picks up the pan and plays along on his lap, not wanting the teacher to notice that it can disturb the class.

the pen was hitting air molecules before a distinct noise came out instead. looking down, he found a folded note on the verge of falling down from its confine. taking a scope around the class, he picks up the note and folds it open. a handwriting that is written clearly for him to read.

“i know what you feel. meet me at the rooftop after school.”

-

leaning your head back against the wall, you could still feel the pain surging down your body.

you tucked your knees to your chest as the blow of the breeze lets the ends of your skirt grazes against your legs. the backpack lies beside you as you eyed the bandage wrapped around your wrist. your walkman rests on your thigh as you gaze upwards at the blue sky that is turning orange. birds are flying in flocks from one end of your vision to another as you follow them. the way they spread their wings so wide and glide through the air molecules. being in tandem with each other. no one left behind.

a week has passed since you’ve been here and you are left behind once again. the rumours about you don’t help, how they still believe you are this rich kid disguising yourself. the lunch box doesn’t help either, resorting to you just buying some cheap kimbap that you know other people are also eating for their lunch—hiding the lunch box deep inside your backpack and eating it before you go home. the lunch box is now empty as you settle into your usual place. bandages litter your arm, hand, and one across your nose bridge.

it happened in the first recess. just a small 30-minute window of time is enough for seona and her girls to get you and do whatever they do to you. all you can do is grit your teeth as you hold on, not wanting to let go of the allowance money you told them you didn’t get. taking the brunt of the hit from risoo that cuts the skin on your nose and could be a worse bruising if you don’t compress it with ice quickly. it results in you going to the infirmary, letting nurse park treat you once again other than the bruising you got on your shin a few days prior.

you remember resting your head on the bed as the nurse walked away, telling you to stay back until you were ready enough to go back to class after lunch. straightening your body, you put the pillow upright on the wall behind you so that you could sit comfortably. the jingling keychain on your phone rings as you pick it up, see the sms notification that you open to see the message of dad telling you that both he and mom are not gonna be home tonight. sighing seems to be a routine for you as you click away and open the game folder, finding the snake game and you press it with the middle button. the screen changes as a line forms alongside a random dot on the screen. your nimble and bandaged thumb presses the arrow button as the snake moves around for you to collect its snack.

one snack and the snake will be longer, trying your best to not hit the border. it continues as the constant movement of your fingers keeps you in focus. the clicking from the keyboard mechanism of the phone creates a steady note in the infirmary. the sound of the other students having their recess while you are here, playing snake into recovery. but giggles caught your attention.

lifting your head from the phone screen lets you see the window of the infirmary towards the hallway. high school students and their ability to be seen from said windows makes it easier for teachers to know which students are running late or a student searching for their friend if they are coming to class or not. instead, you found the head of a bunch of boys huddled on one side of the window. the side where-

the door slams open as you turn your head to the left. a light shadow cast on the floor of the angular shape as you watched a figure stepping from it and turning its head to gaze at the rooftop. his eyes are observing the empty rooftop you’ve been staying on for the past few minutes. that is before he turns his body to head towards his usual seat on the rooftop: right across from you.

sitting down there is heeseung. the boy who sits behind you as he has his shirt uniform opened, exposing a grey t-shirt underneath. in his hand is a folded paper as he lets go of the backpack and lets it rest beside his figure. prominent scarring shows on his cheek, a straight line from one side of the cheek to the other. it’s strange to not see him with his earbuds on. but with the frantic flick of his eyes, looking around the rooftop before the sound of the people leaving the premises of the school campus, he seemed to think of something differently.

then, he met your eyes. they trail down to peer the rest of your face before going down more to your bandaged hand. your eyes still continue to stare at his scar before you glimpse at the note in his hand. your lip twitches before meeting his eyes once again, a look of recognition in his eyes.

it didn’t take him long to stand up and grab his backpack by the handle on top. his footsteps getting closer and he now stands beside you. dropping his backpack carefully, he lets his back lean against the wall before sliding down. the song continue to play in your headset as you push the pause button, expecting something when he also turns his head. his face reflects of yours, in a state of wounded as he pouted his lips; calculating the words he would like to speak about.

“i-“ he paused as he put his hand in his pant pocket, pulling out a folded piece of paper before opening it, showing the inside to him before he pushes his hand so you can see it.

“did you write this?” he asked in a mumble, yet still loud enough for you to catch on. you glance down at the writing in the note, the handwritten style reflects your own.

“yeah.” you exhaled. your fingers moving on their own as you rub the bandage on your fingers. soothing yourself with the unexpected nerve as you caught onto heeseung’s light gasp? awe? you can’t describe it. then, the chuckles came. the same chuckle you heard on your first day in class. yet, it’s more carefree. authentic compared to the one in class when it seemed so forced. a chuckle that came out freely instead of fear and obedience.

“i, i thought that they knew about this place...” heeseung replied, rubbing his face with his hand before soothing himself, massaging his creased forehead before lifting his head once again. he turned to you, the corner of his lips falling down as the emotion changed in a flicker of his blinking eyes.

“how do you know about...?” the boy tidies himself up, putting the note alongside his own walkman on his stretched thighs.

“i just felt it, you know? though they aren’t as prevalent as what i endure in school.” you started. you lean your chest to your folded legs, arms around the front of your feet as you hug yourself, head turning towards heeseung. “i, uh, also heard what happened to you today. the consulting room.”

you picked up the smack of skin and a woman screaming from the room beside yours. you’ve been in that room before, mostly talking about how you were adapting to the new environment and how the school explained converting your scores from your previous high school. points are connecting in your head: the side profiles of the boys you’ve seen and what happened, noticing that one of them was not with them. and you conclude it.

the boy nibbles on his bottom lip, gnawing on the skin as he shifts his head to look towards you. “i’m sorry you hear that.” your eyes widen at his answer but you didn’t account for the next words out too.

“and i’m sorry that i didn’t stop what happened to you this morning.”

the memories of today seem more like the past. the endurance you have to exert on yourself, knowing deep down that no one can’t even sympathize with you. but his words tell you that someone saw you being beaten by them. well, you aren’t surprised that heeseung can’t intervene. fighting against seona will be as bad as fighting back against eunho for him. they are linked somehow. you don’t know how. romantically? emotion-wise? ideology?

you let out a small scoff as you sensed your headset fallen down to your nape. your hands reaching it to adjust it better, but you can still see the number changing on the little screen on heeseung’s own walkman. the words are nudging you again and again, especially as you turn back to examine your own numbers against the afternoon sun.

“what music are you listening to?”

it’s heeseung’s turn now with his eyebrows raised. pressing the pause button and a rewind, he pulls out one bud of his earbuds before pushing the button down. the lid opens up as you peer down at him stretching his hand with the walkman. inside is a gleaming green tint cd, a picture of what looks like a lone tree with the moon behind it. the white outline of it is right at the centre of the cd. you read the words etched onto the cd.

“moonstruck,” he said, reading the word to you. you take a peek at him, looking down at the cd with the corner of his mouth lifting before widens into both corners.

“it’s the cd that made me get caught. that made all of this happen,” he says with a tense grit on his jaw before it loosens as he slowly caresses the cd with his thumb. his fingertip brushes against the name. “i still don’t know why miss kang just bought it for me at the end.”

you know, he was mumbling at this point. but you didn’t care. heeseung has always seemed to be someone a bit more timid in his rambunctious gang of boys. reluctant to do things, but you still see a shine in his eyes on something he enjoyed. one of them was in the first physical education class you have in woonmyung high school. he had a liking towards the half-court basketball, though his build isn’t in the optimal shape for it. the same class you were cornered by seona, risoo, and the girls for the first time in the bleachers of the gymnasium. coach kim disappears for that little window of time just enough for them to do their thing to you.

“can i listen to it?” you mutter.

heeseung’s hand seemed to give an answer before he spoke it. he pinches the cable of the bud towards you as you grab it with your own fingers. pulling the bud and pushing it into your ear-hole, you notice the other end of the bud still in his ear. he closes the lid as the cd whirls on. the little screen shows the track playing back from track number 1. the sound of a synth yet it resembles a woodwind instrument comes to your mind. the steady percussion creates the anchor for you to relax. then the music expands: introducing a whirling sound that contrasts the soft instruments and vocals, creating a whimsy and relaxing mood.

looking back at the boy, you find him already looking at you. a small smile etched on his face as his eyes flutter shut with how magical the song sounds. the voice coming from the various instruments creates colours in each of your ears. colours that form together as it continues. its colours combined with the light of the sky shining down on both of you. serenity achieved in such a simple way: to find the right moment or material that reflects it. the song continues as it familiarizes with your own mind, feeling your heartbeat slowing down as it counts along the beats of the track.

“this is her second album. breathe. her fans on the space station identify this album to have a green celeste. her previous one, windswept, is more creamy.” heeseung started, saying words that seemed so out of context for you if you don’t listen to the whole context of it.

“what is celeste?” you caught on.

the boy chuckles as he strokes his hair gently, “the station or what i can call the forum for moonstruck fans doesn’t define it. but i interpret it more as a feeling where art makes you feel like you're in another realm of reality. a realm where you can just... be you. getting away just for a moment of whatever you define your reality as.” his reply makes you shift your head, eyebrows raised as you subconsciously pout with his profound answer.

“i could say that that’s the reason i listen to music so much.” you lift your walkman to show to heeseung. “a form of therapy through letting your senses be overwhelmed by one thing before it spreads into your mind. from the lyrics to the melody, and all that.”

heeseung continues to chuckle, yet it still has the same earnest tone you’ve heard of today. as the track changes many times, you and heeseung stay quiet and take in the day as it is nearing its end. sun approaching closer to the horizon before sinking past it. your upper body rests against the wall with your knees still tucked to your sitting figure, hugging yourself as you lean your head back and let the songs come in. in your imagination, you could see a full moon with a glowing green colour. the green colour that resembles more on vitality, health, and a path to safety.

glancing beside you, heeseung is also doing the same thing. his black hair swept against the little gush of wind. its sound creates a more authentic listening experience with the music playing in one ear and nature’s music in the other. combining all the colours together in creating, not an explosion, but more of a blend that still shows each strand of colour yet it's still intact. its colours appear before you and heeseung, floating into the sky as it dances around you.

for the first time in a long time, you have felt less lonely.

but the ringtone of the phone ruins everything.

heeseung pulls out his phone, seeing and hearing it vibrate against his palm. its piercing and different melody clashes with the ones that are formed from what you both heard. yet, as you turn your head to see him, you find him looking down at the vibrating device before taking a long, deep breath. reaching out, you press the pause button on the walkman as the sound of the ringtone fills the surrounding air. his finger reaches for the button that is going to answer the clock. however, he flicks his eyes and meets yours. all you could do is pout. you were having a good time getting into the fourth track before it rang, shattering the atmosphere.

you wanted to grab the phone and hold it back, not letting him succumb to answer it. but, finding the name “eunho” on the screen makes chills run down your spine. the realization that even with this boy beside you were also being tormented—from the boys gathering as they listened to heeseung’s consultation to the harsh words you gathered outside of the classroom door that makes you hesitate to step inside—he is still a bully somehow. he is still responsible for making someone’s life harder, taking into account the story of this very cd that was once stolen but is now bought.

the boy presses the button and puts the phone by his ear.

“hello?” his voice turns monotone. much more different from when he was telling you about moonstruck. “ok.” he exhales. “i’ll be there.”

the call ends as you already grab the bud out of your ear. you push your hands on the floor as you stand up alongside heeseung. grabbing each of your backpacks respectively before tugging the strap to your back, you face against him. both of your hands holding onto your walkman as he wrapped his earbuds wire along the outside of his own music player.

after putting both straps on your shoulder, you catch a short ringtone playing from your own phone. looking at it as you tuck it out from the pocket, you see the familiar name of seona written on the screen. heeseung seems to notice it too and the way your eyebrows furrowed.

yet you still give him a small smile.

“bring her other releases too. i am very interested,” you replied, stepping away from him backwards before you give him a small wave before disappearing into the door to the school floors, leaving heeseung behind, who is also growing a small smile on his face.

-

《do any of you ever wonder how powerful moonstruck’s creations are?》 《it helps me get through tough times》 《from: bambi

《i relate to whatever you say, bambi》 《because it helps me too》 《from: silver

《ever since i discovered her》 《her celeste got me to go through many things in life》 《even hard times》 《from: pearl

《can you elaborate more on that aspect, pearl?》 《from: bambi

《well, i think it is pretty common nowadays》 《when people are pointing out how wrong you are living your life when you are just... be》 《that no matter what you go through, you’ll always find someone who will make your life harder in whatever way》 《moonstruck’s songs help me escape from that and i heal myself through hearing her》 《that there is someone there who can relate to whatever thoughts and emotions i’m having》 《i want to have that》 《that celeste》 《as a shield to protect myself even tougher》 《from: pearl

《well, as the owner, you have been doing well, pearl!》 《from: 1004

《agree》 《i could sense celeste exuding from even this small space in this forum alone》 《from: silver

《thank you for that 1004 and silver》 《from: pearl

《well, thank you for telling your story, pearl》 《i haven’t known someone who is facing the same thing as i do》 《from: bambi

《thank you so much, bambi :) 》 《i believe that we are not truly alone》 《from: pearl

the world gets lonely. the presence that was imprinted in his life ever since he was little is shedding away with the lack of enthusiasm helping to push it out of the other reasons. with every step he takes when going to school named after the word “fate”, it feels like a droplet of himself seeps out from his soles and blanks him more. every drag of the cigarette he takes now that he has to search for more things to cope with, literally and figuratively, sucks a section of your lifetime away.

yet, as of now, heeseung felt less lonely. his backpack is heavier than last week’s as the sound of the plastic hits one another with a mini clank sound he could hear. he uses his long legs to skip two stairs at a time, wanting to flee from the boys’ presence as fast as he can—especially with the little meeting they have in the first recess that is making everything much more complicated. all he needs is his now newly injected dose of serenity: the one hour at lunchtime which has passed the entire week. and the company he has that elevates the entire experience.

his hand pushes open the door to the rooftop, being met with the gusts of wind that make him a tad shivering. yet, taking a few steps in front, he turns his body to the side of his little spot on the rooftop. you’re already there with your legs stretched out, your skirt covered enough of your limbs as you have your headset on while putting the spoon in your lunch box. lifting your head up, his figure obscured you from the sunlight and yet you still give him a smile. the scar on your nose is all gone but he now sees a leftover of a bruised shin, a similar occurrence that he also has with his bruised knees that nearly rips the cloth of his pants.

crouching down even with the pain, he settles down on the spot he called his now beside you. your hands already lifting your headset off as you wait while heeseung untangled the wires from his earbud. placing it gently on your open palm, heeseung then turns to his backpack as he unzips it to reach for one of the cd case inside. pulling the item he grab, he finds the windswept word written in front with the cover of the moon that stand behind a woman reflected on a body of water. pressing the eject button, the lid opens as he carefully put cd inside, not wanting to scratch it. the boy felt the tug from the earbud he already insert into his own ear as the scrapping noise continues, making him press the play as to not make you wait any longer. the familiar sound of synth combines with waves enter both of your ears at the same time as heeseung leans back against the wall.

this is the serenity that he has been craving. listening to his favourite musician in a quiet location with someone who won’t judge him. the backpack rests beside his outstretched legs that rest beside yours. his eyes find the moon showing up in the afternoon sun. the half moon shape is split right down the middle. that’s when he felt the slight icy touch on his forearm to shift and saw you pushing out your lunch box, rubbing your tummy with your other hand. you have been making heeseung finished your lunch recently and as someone who always got his lunch money stolen; he is satisfied with how his stomach could be satisfied even with just a few spoonfuls of food.

and that is all that he has done for the past week. sitting beside you while hearing moonstruck’s song from her time in her former band, nexus, until the recent ones as he shares with you the moonstruck trivia you always asked about: “what is this song about?” “interesting use of synths there, what does that imply?” after eating lunch, he pulled out a cigarette box and a box of matches. pulling through the filter, he inhales as the fire lights the end of the blunt and the familiar smoke pushes out of his lips. he didn’t expect for you to snatch the cigarette and take an inhale yourself. and now it has become another thing that you both share with each other.

heeseung swallowed the last of your food before he cleared it with his water. words forming in his mind like it is a normal occurrence from the week you have. yet, because he had known you for a week, he felt like he could be more truthful about things to talk about. clearing his throat, he pushes himself to speak.

“i’m glad that i’m here with you.”

“hmm?” you turned your head to face him, eyes squarely on him as he flicks his to see you.

“you don’t... make fun of me for sharing about moonstruck.” his usual steady tone shrinks in volume as he finishes his sentence. your hand reaches for the lunch box. his movement paused when he looked back at you. yet you never step away. you stayed beside him, even scooting closer to him as if to tell him that, yes, you are here to listen. you’re glad you are here too...

“where do we start...” heeseung said after the sigh, recollecting all the similar scars adorning both of your visible limbs and how he remembers how got nearly all of it on him. “i treat music as an escapism from everything that happened, you know?”

you hummed along.

“my life is... jumbled. if i have to describe it in one sentence. most of the actions i do are for my survival.” he glances at you from the corners of his eyes. “you must be thinking that i’m crazy for even being friends with the people that make me grit my teeth in pain all the time. but that is survival.” the boy doesn’t want to spill everything about himself, just the minor part of his that he assumes you might relate with.

“if i don’t stick with them, it’ll be harsher. many other students were also threatened by them and-“

“and yet, you’re still the one hurting more.”

heeseung pauses himself as you cut through. the words already formed on his tongue dissipate in an instant with the utmost authentic response. you sigh and blink rapidly before you open your lips, “i’ve seen how they treat you. the lowest among them.”

his eyebrows furrowed, making him think back on the various memories and bruises on his body. “well, you’re wr-“

“they asked you for your money. eunho and his cronies. that’s why you bring no lunch. that’s why they tease you so much and even bring your family into it. that’s why you have to shoplift a moonstruck cd.”

“how in the hell did you know they mentioned my family?” it’s his turn to interject, making you turn your head as your foot touches his right beside it.

“i heard it. last week. that day you received my note.”

he remembers how you were the first person he saw when the class’s back door opened by the cupboard lockers. the rush as the boys seemed to stop whatever they were doing and leave heeseung be with his backpack.

“i was in the infirmary when you were called to the consulting room. the wall is so thin that i could hear what you’re discussing. i noticed your boys standing by the door of the room. and i watched them watch you.”

the boy’s nose flared as he looked down at his lap and yet the music continued with soft, repeating notes from the guitar. added more to the atmosphere of the talk.

“i’ve seen how they treat you. i experienced the same thing, and it is...” your voice trembles as you blink another set rapidly, catching on that your eyes seemed to glisten and reflect the sunlight more.

“it’s such an overwhelming feeling to find someone who you can relate to, especially since i’m always been more of the black sheep in any of the schools i went to.” you rub your hand against your skirt-covered thigh. “the rumours and all and i got the brunt of it. it’s why i wear such an old and dirty backpack. my parents look like they’re rich but never even make a room for that rich look for me. i feel both visible and invisible at the same time.”

“i felt that too. i can say that my parents are more focused on themselves and my baby brother now and not me. i know that they had me young but i just felt much and much more invisible when i came back home,” heeseung added, scooting himself closer as his words covered the incoming groan from when he noticed the ache again.

“yet, here we are...” you conclude. he hums to reply, earning a small smile from you as the music continues. minutes left before the bell rings that is interrupted by the sms jingle ringing. your phone was not trembling but heeseung’s was. he looks down to read the text and adorns the neutral facial expression once again. his resting face has a little frown on it.

“duty calls...” heeseung says exasperatedly, making you give a thin-lipped smile as you hear the groan coming from him as he tugs his backpack on one shoulder. he pushes his hand on the floor before pushing himself with the force and against the wall behind him. that’s when he sensed something touching his waist before he looked down, finding a pair of arms from beside him to see you pressing too tightly but effective in making him stand up. he gasped in pain, making you take your hands off of him as he stood up. yet, you still clutch the walkman in your hand. the earbuds still connecting as you stood face to face with him.

you still have your own walkman left on the floor by your backpack. yet, you didn’t make any remark about the wires connecting both of you as you say hastily.

“leave them be.” your eyebrows furrowed. the music continues to play as the boy looks at you and at the walkman in your hands. the both of you were only near the first half of the album and with the little tap on the flowy skirt, he could see how much you’re enjoying it.

but, more things come to heeseung all at once. if he stayed here until the bell rang, they would hunt him down. then they will find you, and he doesn’t want to ruin that. he doesn’t want to ruin this blossoming friendship. this sanctuary aura of this rooftop for both you and him. escaping even for a few minutes to collect yourself physically and mentally. the sanctity that is your presence and the connection.

he has to set boundaries about all of this.

“i got to go,” he mumbled before meeting your eyes, searching for any sincerity in it. and with that, you pull the earbud and give it back to him. you nodded your head before crouching down to gather all your items into your backpack quickly. and then you give him another small smile before you take the steps to leave the premises of your area. turning your body and noticing how it is gone from the walls. leaving him alone instead, yet with a warmth that even helps with his abdomen injury.

-

sliding down onto the rooftop’s floor, you look across from yourself to find no one. the gush of wind sent shivers down your spine as you sighed, continuing to listen to the music blasting in your ears as you unzip your backpack to pull out your lunch box. the familiar loneliness blankets you once again.

for the past few days, you were alone here. the silhouette of heeseung’s recognizable body didn’t anchor on this very place for the seventh day. at first, your eyes widen and flicker at the empty concrete floor by the half wall. maybe he had been late because of something. a meeting with miss kang about his scores or eunho getting on to him once again. yet, as time goes by and you look down at the clock by the school gate with its long hand nearing the 12th number, the bell ring startles you as you hurry to pack up your belongings. the wire of the headset dangling as you continue to walk downstairs; hoping the heeseung would come to the rooftop on the next day.

yet, as the next day comes by, he isn’t on the rooftop. it repeats all over for the next week, the way your heart aches as you don’t know what happened to him. you haven’t shared your phone number with him even though having the innovation of sms on your beck and call, yet your stupid mind didn’t think about it. once again, you sat alone as you opened the lid of the box. the aroma of spicy ddeok hits you as it clears your sinuses. a shelter against the winds of spring.

then, you turn your head.

the shadow of the rooftop door opens as you catch the scratches of someone stepping onto the concrete. eyes enlarged. you meet the boy’s face. his expression neutral borderline fury with his squinting eyes, those eyes that relaxed as he saw you as the wrinkle between his eyebrows contracted.

your heartbeat marches the way he takes his step, his hand holding onto one strap of the backpack on his shoulder. the top three buttons of his uniform make the white undershirt peek out. he steps in front of your sitting body as your head follows, each step he takes mimics yours as if he has learned about it when you come to the rooftop right after him. the rustling increases as he stands at his designated place, pulling off the backpack before sliding down against the wall. the boy turns his head, finding you with your lips in a straight line. eyes flicker to gaze around his face, reading what he wants to say. though, instead of speaking out about why he had disappeared for the last week, worrying more if he had received a fresh wound that you also have at your extremities. he let out a huge exhale and spoke.

“we should stop meeting up here.”

“what?” you interject, “why?”

heeseung’s eyes glance at his fingers playing with each other before speaking, “i’m worried about all of this. how we meet up. how-“

“you’re tumbling over your words, heeseung.” your eyebrows furrowed. before you are the sight of something familiar. something your parents have every time they announce that the family will move once again—making you reset everything that you had done to survive school. deceitfulness flickers in his eyes before it is outshined by a sparkle, gritting his teeth. “tell me the truth-“

“eunho found out about this whole thing. how i escape going from him to go to the rooftop instead of being by his side and tormenting other people.” his voice is a little hoarse as he takes a deep breath. the boy’s head droops towards his chest. “if eunho comes here and you’re here also, you will be the target of the day and, and i just can’t see you being tormented for me with your,” he opens his palm, pointing towards you with the fading scars on your arms and legs to how you have a bandage on your kneecap, the blood wanting to seep through the cotton.

“i can’t...” he looks forward once again, “i don’t want you to get hurt because of me.”

the silence after his revelation startles you into being a statue. the music continues to blare in your ears as it is a mishmash of instruments playing above and below each other. you nodded your head, hearing heeseung’s breath as you continued to trail down his body. the blazer tied around his waist enables you to see the scars littering his forearm. faded yet will be another mark on his skin that he will have to get used to.

but, you shake your head. it starts slow. one cycle of shaking from left to right. then it gets more and more, quicker, and heeseung can’t help but notice before you stop yourself. the muscles around your neck straining from the movement that had you close your eyes, slowly opening the lids as the blurriness meets the sunshine.

“you don’t have to obey them.” your gut pushes you to say, eyes flicking to his side. not wanting to face his features overall. “but, if it means that today will be the last time we will hang out with each other, then grant me one last wish, heeseung.”

your right hand curls into a fist before straightening once again. you gaze at your lunch box. the food is only eaten halfway before you get interrupted. well, you never finished your lunch anyway these days. it was only cleanly empty when heeseung helped to finish it.

“after school, let’s go to seoul. just the two of us. away from here. away from...” you gulped down your saliva before opening your arms wide, capturing the wholeness of the situation you and he are both in. dropping them instantly, you brace yourself and shift your head to meet his. you guessed that you’ll meet disgust.

why are you suggesting that when i’m staying away from you for your own safety?

yet you can see the glint in his eyes. his neutral face has his cupid’s bow lifted even slightly before he chuckled and looked down on his lap.

“after school. meet me near the corner shop.”

“good.” you lifted your lunch box and handed it to him, “eat it up. you got to have energy for any activities that we want to do.”

giggles ring out from both him and you as you continue to listen to your music, looking at heeseung, who picks up the chopsticks before pausing. he looks straight at your walkman for a few seconds before he picks up the food and eats it. picking up your belongings, heeseung gazes upwards at your now-standing body, hugging your cd walkman close to your chest.

“bring the lunch box back to me when we meet up.” you remind him as he hums, savouring the lunch as he still watches you. chuckles come out of you as you step backwards to turn your body when it is in line with the door of the rooftop. the echoes of your footsteps are loud enough for heeseung to hear until it is far enough to disappear.

the rest of the class in the afternoon, you fidget with your pencil as you feel the familiar soft hit on your body. the crumpled paper falls down onto the floor as you let out a silent exhale, picking the ball of paper in your fist as you tuck it into your desk drawer. letting it join the rest of the crumpled ball of paper that you got more times than you could imagine. curiously, you shift your head as if looking for something or maybe someone who threw you the ball—which you already know is seona, risoo, or the other two girls. but you do that to take a glimpse of heeseung. his eyebrows slightly furrowed as he had both his forearms and elbows on the table. his eyes catch yours as you see the look on his face you awfully recognise.

the same emotion you always let out when you gaze at his fresh wounds.

walking out of the school gate as fast as you can after the last class ends, you blend in with the rest of the students that are flowing out from the school grounds. yet, instead of the usual walk towards your house, you turn to the corner shop from the first junction you meet. tugging your blazer off, you felt shivers on your exposed skin making you hiss. the bruises that you had there are still visible as you press your skin with two of your fingers. you’ve experienced itchiness so much when you are wounded and you found a remedy for that instead of scratching your skin until it bruises up again. you slowly tap on it, letting the blood flow through the veins and arteries and soothe your skin from the itchiness.

folding your blazer and put on the outdoor table alongside your backpack, you untucked your shirt out from beneath your clothes, creating a much more baggy look you like more on yourself. zipping the backpack up after putting on your blazer instead, you see the recognizable silhouette approaching closer and closer. the corner of your lips lifted as the shadow recedes to let you recognize the person.

“hey,” heeseung greets as he joins you and puts his backpack on the table beside yours. zipping open the backpack, he pulls out the lunch box before giving it to you and replaces it with his blazer, making you have to arrange your belongings once again as you take a peek at him unbuttoning the rest of his uniform shirt, the undershirt becoming more prominent with its area size and contrasting colour.

“let’s go before anyone catches us,” you reminded him as both of you put your backpacks on your backs respectively. you tug your phone inside your skirt’s pocket alongside the smart card you still hold on to, especially after living in the seoul area even with the many times you have to move.

the walk to the commuter train station heading to seoul isn’t that far. both of you stand by on the platform as you wait for the train to approach. you and heeseung stand side by side. your appearance with your untidy uniforms makes you both unrecognisable from which high school you two are from compared to the other students who still have their uniforms on them tidy. the rumble on the ground followed by the gush comes along with the train that now stops in front of you. many of the seats on the train are empty as you suspect that the train heading the opposite direction into your town and beyond is much busier with people getting back home to their families. yet, well, for you, you planned to stay as long as possible outside, maybe until the sun sets for another day.

sitting down on the seat, the door closes as the train moves on the track. heeseung sat right beside you as you gazed at the window behind the empty seat across from you. the sight of the fields shining green alongside the spring weather calms your eyesight. the constant sound of the wheels on the tracks creates a steady noise from you that even makes you relax enough to go into a meditative state. eyes open yet hooded to not let the muscles strain, darting to an ever-changing view of the clear weather.

the view changes from the fields to the buildings, before the tracks get covered by walls as the train goes underground. the light inside the car that was on before becomes more prominent. from the few stations the train has gone past, many people have come and gone. yet a small amount of them were sitting near where you and heeseung sit, both beside the two of you and on opposite seats. with the train moving around from side to side and all, one side of you is now stuck beside heeseung. skin on skin touch as you looked down to check on your backpack. lifting your head to the window now with the wall behind it, you find your reflection instead under the interior light. heeseung nods a little of his head alongside the music he is playing. behind the clear plastic part of the walkman, you recognized the breathe album of moonstruck. yet, you didn’t want to ask him about it like you used to.

after all, this is the last time you’ll be with him.

the train announces its arrival at the next station and you hear a stomach roaring. shifting your head, you looked down at heeseung, who had a hand on his abdomen. the rumbling sound still can pierce through the noisy train. his adam’s apple gulps when you raise your sight to meet his. a look of indifference meets with sheepishness that only he communicated with his eyes. you heard the next station announced once again as you felt the train slow down. your arm that was resting on your thigh grabs onto the nearest one of his as you pull his hand and backpack at the same time.

“getting off here?” he asks an obvious question as you tug one of the backpack straps on your shoulder. both of you now standing in front of the door.

“i know a place,” you replied as the door opened and both of you walked out of the train car.

the steps of the stairs added more to heeseung’s hunger as its sound echoed against the winding hallway towards the road. arriving there, you scan the surroundings that you are familiar with. one of the neighbourhoods near your old house from your last year of middle school that has everything. it has changed little from what you remember, only the appearances of fresh signs you haven’t seen to signs that were there that have vanished. the right amount of modern and traditional living at the same time with the lack of franchises. the sound of the zipper catches your attention as heeseung only holds his backpack before he places his hand back in yours like when you both traverse the way to the exit. scanning for the last time, you find a familiar street with a few of your favourite eateries as you gently pull him.

the shops you went by are mostly restaurants that have a bigger portion or price. knowing heeseung and your situation with how you both share foods, you can’t pick something too expensive even if it is making you both full. that is when you heard a small gasp coming from heeseung as you both arrived at your destination. it is filled with people but still has some seating room, especially a table that overlooks the street it is on. but when you turn your head, you catch heeseung’s wide eyes looking at the colourful packages inside on the shelves—predominantly red.

numerous packages of ramyeon from different brands. heeseung’s jaw dropped clear with the small gap between his lips as you could also feel your saliva gathering from the delicious food. you eyed a package of neoguri inside as an older woman helped to pick it up for the customer inside before said customer paid and went to the counter beside it with kitchenware from stove to knives.

you knew this place because you had walked past it before. but the reason you visited this place is the affinity the boy beside you has for ramyeon. you have caught on to the way he ate half of your lunch when it is ramyeon. how concentrated he is when he is eating it and how he drinks all the broth until it is spotless. with seoul and its modern antics, you knew that this would be a perfect place for heeseung to fill his appetite. and by his reaction, you’re right.

ringing comes from above the open door that heeseung pushed as you trail behind in to step into the store. the various smells of different brands of ramyeon waft the air inside the interior as steam can escape through the opening above the door and large window. the old woman behind the counter greets you as heeseung still looks behind at the shelves with any ramyeon he could ask for.

“um, can i get one shin ramyeon and one egg, please?” heeseung uttered his order first as the woman picked up said ramyeon and the egg in one swoop before placing it before heeseung.

“you’re both together?” the woman asks, picking up two pots and two sets of chopsticks. your eyes widened when you realized she referred to you, even though you stood behind heeseung. said boy turning his head as he points with his head movement.

“uh yes, ahjumeo-nim. um...” you marked the piece of neoguri that you’d been eyeing when you both stood behind the window, outside looking in.

“can i get the neoguri, please?”

“of course,” the woman says as she picks up the exact neoguri package and puts it inside the pot before you, right beside heeseung's. “any drinks you both want?”

“i would like a cider,” the boy replies.

“me too,” you added as the woman grabbed the two sprite cans and placed them alongside both of you. she eyed your order and told you the price. you looked at heeseung as you just remembered you didn’t bring your wallet—the fear of your money being picked up by seona and the others bubbling inside as you have experienced it before your second day in woonmyung high school. shifting your head, you instead found heeseung crouching down on the floor, opening his backpack as all you can see is the void before he pulls out 1000 won for both of your orders.

“thank you, young man. you cook your ramyeon on that side where we have the water jug and stoves for both of you. after finishing, move from the stove so that other customers can cook theirs too.”

“thank you, ahjumeo-nim,” both of you said together as you picked up the pan with the handles on each side. carrying it to the vacant stove right beside heeseung’s. setting it down on the stove, you pick up the jug to fill the pot according to your liking when you cook neoguri. the sound of the stove turning rings before you as you see the blueish-orange fire heating the water. turning your head, you find heeseung pouring the water into the jug carefully; measuring it with his eyes.

the boy then goes away for a bit as you observe the two boiling waters for cooking the noodles. then, heeseung returns with a bowl before placing it on the counter and cracking the egg in it. using his chopsticks in each hand, he breaks the egg yolk and mixes it up with both chopsticks twisting around in different paths.

“you’re making egg ramyeon?” his ear seemed to twitch as you could see that he was looking at it from the corner of his eyes.

“yeah. it’s my recipe for egg ramyeon- shit, almost forgot.” he drops the chopsticks as it leans against the bowl before he picks up the packet for the ramyeon seasoning and shakes it. his action makes you let out a pout as you did the same while ripping the packet and pouring your neoguri seasoning into the boiling water. heeseung follows before putting the empty packet on the ramyeon packaging beside the noodles waiting to be dumped in.

glancing at heeseung—who is still continuing to break his ramyeon—you dump your noodles inside your pot before stepping sideways so that you can step behind heeseung. grabbing the noodle on top of the package, you carefully put it inside the heeseung’s pot as you can’t help but touch his back because of it. his shoulders feel warm and comfortable even with that slide graze as you slip away as fast as you can because you have to stir your ramyeon so the noodles separate and cook evenly.

stirring the pot with your chopsticks, you glance at heeseung’s side to find him pausing for a few bits from stirring before he continues gently, stunned by your action that makes you a tad giddy inside.

“thanks,” he asks.

“no problem.” you eyed him and gave a small smile as you looked at his pot. one of his hands holding onto the chopstick as the other held the beaten egg-filled bowl.

“this makes it delicious.” heeseung declared as he felt you leaning in from your side. both of you looking at him gently flipping the bowl as the egg pours into the boiling soup. you eyed as the egg disappeared before, one by one, they all floated back to the surface. like clouds surrounding one side of the pot. you can’t help to look at heeseung’s face, finding the familiar determined expression alongside a little smirk on his lips, eyeing the noodles that he will devour when it is done cooking. you could hear your own stomach rumbling now as you looked at the mouth-watering sight of both of ramyeon getting cooked.

turning the knob for the stove, you picked up the handle so you don’t touch the hot wall of the pot before placing your ramyeon on the table overlooking the window. it snugs in the small part of the window where only two seats are available as you pick the seat that overlooks the street outside. the sound of the thud of your backpack hits the floor as you sit down, waiting for heeseung to settle down with his own belongings. the steam flies up from both of your pots as you mix the noodles and broth when a topic propels you to speak.

“can i try a bit of your ramyeon?”

the boy turns his head, a small smile growing on his face as he drops his backpack, “if i could also try yours.”

“deal.”

with your chopsticks, you pick up some of his noodles as he nudges the egg for you, making sure you pick it up. gently, you brought the ramyeon into your mouth as the hot temperature seems to be the right recipe to combat the wind that has been blowing you up. then, the spices came with the cooked egg neutralizing it.

“hmm!” you reacted, peeking at the boy who still had his smile as he picked up some neoguri noodles from your pot. nodding your head, you react to how perfectly the way the shin ramyeon melted on your tongue.

“it’s not overcooked. the noodle.”

“yeah, that’s why i have to get the right amount for the water,” he replies before slurping the neoguri like you do. carefully pushing the kelp slice in as he chewed and let out a groan. “yours are good too,” he replied whilst covering his lips, not wanting his saliva to fly everywhere.

“yours is better.” you answered as you opened your can of cider before taking a gulp down. “you cooked ramyeon often?”

he wipes his lips with a napkin provided on the table as he opens his mouth and closes it again, hesitating.

“i, uh...” he tried to stop himself from chuckling before continuing, “i had to, honestly.”

“oh?” your eyebrows furrowed.

“yeah...” heeseung closes his eyes, giving a push so that it covers tightly before opening, “i don’t have that much pocket money with all with eunho but...” he lets out a silent sigh, “also with my parents as well.”

a pout forms on your lips as you both devour your ramyeons respectively, you’re facing the window as you observe people living their lives, still reserving your hearing for heeseung’s story which you remain quiet so he can speak at his own pace. because you understand that. no one has ever stopped to listen to you before, so you want to do that to others as well. hopefully.

“my parents are still together, but it’s just, they had me young. like our age.” heeseung uses his pointer finger to move to point between himself and you, “and they’re in their 30s and i’m a teenager, and i have a newborn little brother. and they...”

the boy slurps up a few noodles before using the spoon to drink the broth, letting out a satisfying sigh before his expression returns, “well, the consequence of having young parents is that they aren’t fully ‘grown up’ when they have me.” he drops his hand from making the air quotes. “so i grew up with parents who had fun. so much fun. i was five when i stumbled upon them arriving home as i was getting a drink from the kitchen. they had this wretched scent on them that when i grew up, i realized it was alcohol and weed smell.”

you glimpse at him, your head twisted towards him to let you know that you’ve been listening the whole time. “so, i don’t grow up with much care from them. had to resort to ramyeon to satisfy my need. but i grew up, and they also grew up. their jobs become even more stable. and then my mom got pregnant again last year. and so, heechan was born. my little brother.”

taking a breather for himself as he eats. you rub your hand on your head—feeling along with the frustration that you can assume will get worse as he continues.

“they have a stable income now and my baby brother was born and i just can notice the difference. heechan got new things and is coddled because he is that young which i acknowledge. but, my parents took care of him, and seemed to, i guess, forget about me. like they are a trio of family, the real family, and i was just there. like a fucking mistake they had no choice but to give money to so that at least i don’t fucking die in their care.” he lets out a scoff and shakes his head, thinking of how ridiculous it must be to be jealous of a fucking baby.

“so, i had no choice but to resort to ramyeon almost all the time until someone back home made enough homemade food. parents give me a good amount of pocket money but...” his eyes move to capture yours in contact, “you know who i am friends with.”

you nod your head, continuing to eat as your creased eyebrows area still hasn’t gone relaxing once again. the way the boy seemed to let go of a bit of control in the middle makes another squeeze of your heart clear. neglection is the topic that bruises you as you have your fair share of neglection as well.

“well, you made killer ramyeons though, heeseung. and you should know about that.” he giggles at your statement, before letting out a small ‘thank you’ as you both continue to eat.

his words stuck in your mind as it is such a familiar story, albeit with the different details of yours; you noted that both of you are different sides of the same coin. yet, the awkward silence lingers between the two of you as you finish both of your meals—knowing just how bleak your situation is because you don’t know how to reply to his words. in pity? empathic? you don’t know. as you take another sip of your neoguri broth, only a few millimetres are left inside the pot as you can see the bottom of its surface. you glance at heeseung’s pot to find it also emptied before looking up to meet his face. even with a slight gesture with your head nodding to the door, he catches your thinking and nods his head.

you stack up his pot onto yours and help clean the table where you both eat as the boy stands beside you waiting, but you feel his gaze on you as you finish up. the breeze of the open air hits you as you step outside the restaurant, your mind determining the way to go as you catch the footsteps of heeseung following right behind you. it takes a few strides before heeseung can keep up with your pace, both of you walking side by side with nowhere to go except the direction you picked. but, the silence lets you enjoy more of what this part of seoul has. even if you aren’t here that much when you move in near the neighbourhood, it is still the most peaceful neighbourhood you’ve been to.

turning your head side by side randomly, your eyes caught onto one store as your movement paused. heeseung, who was still walking, had turned his head to see your stopped figure, before returning to stand beside you. then, he realizes what stopped you.

you strolled forward one foot at a time before stepping onto the step that houses the door that you had to push open. a smooth jazz song plays as you step into the room. the walls are a mix of plain painted alongside one that is just collages of musician posters. racks stand at the centre of the room, housing pressed vinyl discs covered with sleeves of colourful pictures. it’s different from those large cd stores you visited when you searched for the next disc to play on your walkman. smaller, intimate. yet, the aura is still familiar to you.

the people who are walking are mostly older than you, showing the generation and technology differences between you and them. most of the sleeves you’ve seen are of genres you rarely listened to. jazz, soul, funk. and then you approached the rock and alternative section and you found artists you’ve recognized. it is ordered in the alphabet but certain musicians have a section based on them, even based on one of their releases. a certain album caught your eye, bigger than what you used to see.

“hmm...” you chuckle as you pick up the sleeve from the rack, letting you observe the people sitting down on the sofa with the black background.

“the cranberries?” heeseung reads the name, now standing beside you, leaning to look at the album you are holding. you turned the sleeve around to read the recognizable tracklist.

“i own the cd for this album. i maybe played it so much that if i don’t take care of it, it might have scratches.” you chuckle as you trace the list of songs with your fingertip, stopping on each song as you can hear the certain tune playing from your memory.

“music has been the only thing that kept me grounded throughout all of this.” you blink away when you feel the strain from staying eye contact for a long time, finding the boy beside you from the corner of your eyes. “you know, from moving around so much and with the situation i am in.”

“how many times have you moved?” heeseung questioned, his hands also reaching out to study the rack in front of him.

“much more than you can imagine. it started in fourth grade and every year since then, i moved around. mostly throughout seoul and the towns near it. that is before we had to get farther out and that is why i moved to woonmyung for my second year of high school.” you mentioned the name of your high school; your mind too tired to even add the high school at the end because you have too many schools to be added into your catalogue.

“the thing is the reason i move around is very unconventional. my parents aren’t part of law enforcement or military where they have to move. they’re just... i don’t know. a corporate employee? con people? i can’t pinpoint.” you sighed as you felt your shoulders relaxing.

“is your family the one who moved to that big house near the field?”

you put the cranberries vinyl back into the rack as you hummed whilst nodding your head. slowly, a smile grows on your face as you turn your head to heeseung, “what, what other things have you discovered?”

heeseung scratches his nape before replying, “that that family- well, your family was running away from something. that your family was filthy rich and that people wanted to get a piece of something. like people our age too, greedy for more money and all. that you are a genius.”

you chuckle, taking in the rumours of your family in clarity and succinct manner other than the many whispers you always received as no one ever dared to even confront you about. to challenge the truth when a reliable witness is there all along.

“well, to clarify, if i may,” you turn your whole body towards heeseung, “i’m not a genius. i don’t know how it came to be of the rumour. i’ve overheard people talk about me being ranked first in my school or whatnot and it’s just plain false. my scores are shitty until now because of the multiple people stealing my homework to claim it as theirs. i realized that people mentioning me for having the first rank would then put more targets behind me. and so... well it does alongside everything else.” you nip your bottom lip after finishing your monologue as you walk around the section where you did. finding more of the alternative artists you usually listen to before caressing your hand to move the vinyl around so you could see the familiar and unfamiliar album covers.

“and, with my family, there is truth in there.” you started, peeking from the corner of your eyes to watch heeseung’s eyebrows lift with a slight pout on his lips. “the reason we moved around so much is the people my parents owe to. when we moved around a lot, we had to work in tandem to move important items and all of that. so, it’s not a surprise when i found out my parents’ collection of letters from banks, debt collectors, and all that. so, i choose and read them cause i realize that they’re not opened for a reason.”

you chuckled, “i heard the stories of their glory days when dad had this stable high-paying corporate job. i was so young back then that only vivid memories played in my head when i remembered it. but they can’t keep up with it after dad was fired and ended up splurging with their money, trying to keep up with their socialite lifestyle. when i found some random men on the living room couch after getting back home from school, i realized how much greed had gotten into them. we had to move the next day and i can assume it’s because of the men who visited the other day.”

eyes moving around the shelf, you landed on the rack that had the label m on it as you approached. you pushed the vinyl back to the rack when you looked down to see the ever-so-familiar name of mazzy star. “it’s the reason i don’t show any of that side about my family even if they want to. that wealth which then can be referred to as their con lifestyle. but, i usually got the brunt of it, anyway. how could i not when i have to get out almost every time? not because of school, but also how suffocating living with them is. that’s why i settle with music playing and eyes on the computer and living my day like that.” you shift your head towards heeseung as the last of your words.

his figure approaches you as he leans in, eyeing the album cover before noticing the band name that is etched on the cover. “oh mazzy star! i just gotten to know them, from the space station.”

“space station?” you asked back.

“the moonstruck fan i mentioned to you before. there’s been discussion of the music inspirations or people that are in the same realm as moonstruck. mazzy star is one of them. we called it the celeste aura. the music is magical enough it transcends space, otherworldly.” heeseung explains as he pulls out the mazzy star album.

“because of that, i got into mazzy star. though you can feel the difference between them being a bit more folk than moonstruck’s rock. but, i like it.”

your eyes blinked as you looked down at the album in his hand, a smile growing on your lips as your mind whirled about the information and what to say next when it came back to you, “well if i want to add to the list of artists that has the same aura, i would say the cranberries. it’s the right combination of dreamy but also grounded, and then it is a gateway to other bands similar to them like slowdive. though, i agree with what you say that moonstruck seems to be much more elevated.”

heeseung chuckles after flipping the sleeve to the back side, scanning the track list before looking upwards to the window to see how the sky has become the orange of twilight. you heard the short ringtone playing from his phone as he picked it up and observed the message. typing back, you pick up the familiar clicking noise of the phone’s keyboard as heeseung spells out his answer.

“my mom asked me if i could take care of heechan for a bit. i, uh, agree but said to her i was playing pretty far from home so-“

“we should head back then.” your eyebrows furrowed as you looked at the text from the small screen.

“yeah. i’m sorry that i cut this part short-“

“no, no, that’s okay.” you reached out to him, feeling your hand landed on his upper arm as if to stop him from looking away. you felt the warmth travelling to your palm as you let go of him. that’s when you sensed a sigh on your face as you continued to peer at him. blinking away, you let out a small smile as you shifted your head towards the entrance and heeseung followed with a nod.

walking towards the train station, you and heeseung stood side by side as even a graze of you against each other made you both giggle. then, you use your power to nudge him harder and he has an offended look on his face as you take a few strides away from him before he catches your hand and pulls you back beside him. you give him a side eye as it’s his turn to push you around playfully across the empty street. the walk continues as you recognized the familiar sight of stores nearby the station. but you paused your body once again as you read the signage in front of you.

“body piercings and tattoos. walk-ins welcome.”

it is a desire of yours to want piercings. you’ve seen girls who wear beautiful earrings on their earlobes and you used to have those but the holes close in on themselves when it has been a long time of not using a pair. you wanted a familiar ear piercing but also a different one, but either the time or place didn’t match up with you so you haven’t gotten time to actually do it.

that is when a shadowy figure goes past in front of you and approaches the open door to the establishment. following it, you watch the familiar backside with the light blue shirt stepping into the shadows as you can’t help but follow him, going up the stairs before he grazes open the frail curtain that lets you see the place. it has many drawings stuck onto the walls and a leaning chair by the window before it stretches back to the other side of the room where a hallway leads to other rooms.

“hi guys,” a young man spoke up from behind the desk. his arm has tattoos all over it and a few piercings on his face and ears. your eyes focused on the miniature ear on top of the reception counter, seeing the many piercings on it of all variations.

“you have booked an appointment?”

“no, i’ve seen that you accept walk-ins,” heeseung replied on your behalf before looking at your side who is staring at the pierced ear displayed.

“i would like to get a piercing,” he replies, making you lift your eyebrows as you turn your head towards him.

“and her?”

“oh,” you felt an arm warped around your shoulder bringing you closer. “she’s with me.”

“y-yeah. i would like a piercing too,” you replied.

“great!” the man said as he wrote something before standing up and leading you towards the area by the window. you and heeseung sat beside each other as he asked, “what piercing do you want?”

“um, can i get one right here?” you ask as you pinch your left ear on the place that you want. having seen people having this specific piercing makes you want to have one for yourself.

“a helix piercing. what about you, man?”

“i’ll get the same one but on my right ear.” you turned your head towards heeseung as he continued to look forward.

“nice. well, do you both want to have the same piercing?” the man stands up and he picks up the piercing gun and alcohol wipes.

“yeah, if you want to.” you realise he was referring to you as you face him and nod your head.

looking at the catalogue of ear piercings available, your eyes landed on one with a star on the front. pointing towards the pair, heeseung nods his head as you show it to the man. that’s when he also asks, “how long does it take for it to heal? i’ll probably want to change piercing to a hoop one right after.”

“well, helix piercings usually take pretty long for it to heal around 6 to 9 months. i’ll give you two an ointment that will help with soothing the skin from the pain,” the man replies as you nod your head. he then drags a rolling chair to the seat in front of you both.

“who wants to go first?”

you and heeseung looked at each other with small smiles on your faces before heeseung spoke up, “i can go first.”

the rolling chair moves in front of heeseung as you notice something on your hand. looking down, you could feel his fingers slotting in between yours as you turned your head to see heeseung moving his head. his eyes looking right at you as he blinks, perceiving the alcohol wipe on the helix part of his right ear.

“take a deep breath,” the man says as heeseung curls his fingers into your hand, making you do the same as you try to distract him. the sudden hard grip on your head combines with a slight hiss coming from him as the man goes to the back of heeseung’s ear to screw the piercing up.

“you didn’t bleed, but you might feel your ear getting warmer. let me move to your girl.” the man spoke out so nonchalantly that you can’t help your cheeks warming up by the words. your ears were already heated, so when you felt the cold alcohol wipe, you nearly jumped out of your seat. but heeseung held you down as you turned your head to face him once again.

“you’re gonna be okay,” he mumbled, your grip on his hand tightening as you sensed heeseung brushing the back of your hand, soothing you as you looked at him.

“take deep a breath,” and a quick pierce on the skin follows it. your hands gripping onto him as you breathe out.

the interlocking hands didn’t let go as heeseung paid for the piercings to the man. it doesn’t let go as you meet the purple sky of the outside world, walking down the pavement. it doesn’t let go as you find yourselves on the train station’s platform, both of your heads looking at the track where the next set of trains will come and pick you up. and it doesn’t let go as you hear the beautiful vocalization by moonstruck. both of your bodies remain in mercy to the moving train as you have your head leaning against him.

he offered it, actually. heeseung knows that with your headset, it will be uncomfortable for you to wear it and listen to your cd. even with the littlest amount of moments that still feel so large, you would not take this opportunity for granted. but truthfully, you hoped that this little trip would change his mind. that all you had to do to complete it is to tell him you’re going to be more careful, more aware, for his and your own sake in the eyes of his “friends”, to not let them see you both associating with each other.

heeseung rested his head on the window behind him, making both he and you watch the sunset around the field outside. moonstruck’s music becomes the perfect background as you are in a meditative state. the grip of the interlocking fingers is a little loose to let both of your hands breathe, but still with both curled fingers for both of you.

“(y/n)?”

“yes?” you lifted your head, turning to face him.

“do you want to go to my place? just so that i have someone to look out for heechan? i can bring you home too right after.” his voice was gentler with a little raspiness to it.

you try to not the corner of your lips lift too high as you stare at him, nodding your head as he replies with his own smile before he brings his arm behind your shoulders and lets you lay your head back on his shoulder—lasting until you arrived at the train station for your town.

shadows cast from both of you because of the streetlights above, walking in the dark towards heeseung’s home with your interlocked hands and shared earbuds. heeseung seems to bring you through alternative routes to avoid the busier places where he and you both know that they will be there eating or just hanging out. so you breathe out in relief when you sense your walking pace slowing down.

in front of you is a quaint house with an open gravelled parkway for a car to park. you instead only found a bicycle with a manageable look, crooked on the front part but still is rideable. heeseung guides you to the front door as he slowly opens the door. the sound of the running tap water rings from another part of the house whilst you take your shoes off. he then guides you towards a partly open door and pushes it, letting you look at the dimly lit room and the screensaver from a computer set adding colour.

“heeseung?” someone calls for him as far as the running tap.

“stay here. i’ll be right back,” the boy answers as he steps out to meet with the person who called him. because of that, this is a perfect opportunity for you to observe his room. the first thing you notice is the large moonstruck poster beside his desk. an image you have seen before sticking onto the sides of the building back when you lived in seoul. you can definitely feel the eagerness that you received from heeseung when he talks about moonstruck reflected in this very space. a shelf stands tall as a familiar case shows its image to you, letting you see the moonstruck and nexus’ cds he has, but also the cd of artists you’ve spotted have similarities to them, evidently with the mazzy star cd.

you turned your head when you picked up the sound of a closed door and a shadow by the room’s window of a woman stepping away in heels and what you can assume as going out clothes. you turned your head once again and saw heeseung’s head peeking inside the room from the door which startled you.

“he’s ready.”

nipping your lip; you carefully walked towards the living room as you heard a sigh, then a little exclamation. sitting in front of the couch and on top of a blanket rested a baby boy. his limbs wide stretch as his gigantic eyes stare at you and at heeseung, who sits beside you. with a baby bottle ready, heeseung lifts the baby up and holds it comfortably with his hands on the baby’s waist and resting him on his thigh.

“this is heechan.” heeseung says with a much brighter tone like the one that you only caught when he laughs. “and this is (y/n). you can call her noona when you’re a little older. hi noona!” heeseung lifts baby heechan’s arms to create a wave, making you approach closer to the kid.

slowly, you kneeled down in front of the two. your eyes staring at the little hand with a pout formed on your lips. “hi heechan.” you replied while waving your hand in rhythm with the baby. then, you push your open palm forward, making heeseung put his brother’s hand onto your palm. the size difference makes you silently coo, your eyes watering and your vision blurry. taking a sharp breath, you blink it away and give a gentle smile as you also catch the baby giggling. you looked up to be in eye contact with the older brother, a smile etched on his face as he let go of the baby’s hand; letting him drag his hand on your palm until it came in contact with your finger, wrapping it around it tightly.

chuckles come from both of you as you turn your body so you can comfortably look at your phone without bothering them. the time is nearly 7 at night and you know you can’t stay here longer.

“i have to go.” you looked at heeseung and your finger wrapped around heechan’s hand.

“let us bring you back then.”

“are you sure? didn’t your mom give you some tasks to do with heechan?”

heeseung scoffs before answering, “just taking care of him. she’s heading out to meet her friends. it’s what she always asks me to do when she wants to go out. i’ll let her and dad too, of course. i’ll let them have fun and enjoy their life too.”

your shoulders sag as you take in his answer, looking away as you recalibrate all of this. he did promise to bring you back—and you also see heechan’s eye smile as if he knows he will go outside. you nodded for the answer.

the streetlights line up the empty streets that encompass heeseung’s neighborhood. you with your school backpack tug behind while heeseung’s upper body is wrapped around with a cloth long enough to carry heechan against him—as if it is a thing his mom asked him to learn too. looking downwards, you see how heechan’s legs wiggle in excitement as his head is tilted back. eyes shining on both the lit lights but also the moon that decorates the raven sky.

“heechan seems happy,” you commented as heeseung chuckled.

“he’s always happy when he gets a chance to go out of the house.”

“he doesn’t?” heeseung turns his head to face you, walking in tandem as he thinks about the answer to your query.

“only when he has to go to check-ups. mom and dad also don’t have that much time to bring him outside. so i’m usually the one to do so. we hang around by the fields, mostly. this is the first one he goes out at night. usually, he gets sleepy after i give him his food.”

his answer seeps down into your mind as you nod. you let out an enormous sigh as you continue to walk in silence. the step and little drag of footsteps decorating the atmosphere alongside the busy lit-up signs coming from the different blocks that still have their shops open. yet you both walk farther from it, heading to your house that is near the outskirts of where civilisation dimmers. a house with hedges surrounded by fields and a view of a transmission tower a little farther down the road.

“i’m glad that none of us gets called today.” your lips pour out the thoughts that have been clouding your mind.

“what?”

“you too, right? eunho calls you to come to him anytime?” you ask, testing your hypothesis. but when he seems reluctant to answer. you decide to open up about your side.

“seona too. she usually calls around 4 to 5 near the sunset. i had to go to her, with my bags full of paper filled with the homework for next week so she and the rest could copy that. or even stealing them, for that matter. then, i-“ heeseung gazes as you paused, a slow blink coming from you before you continue, “they usually forced me to do something for them. cleaning their shoes mostly. treating them food while i will stand aside and watch them eat.”

“and you don’t deny them?” heeseung asks back, a question that seemed to affect him with the way his eyebrows furrowed and his nostrils flared just a bit.

“i, well, truthfully, i can’t.” you force yourself to say the truth that you want to cover up with some obnoxious reply. but, heeseung just gives off the right aura to make you tell him. maybe because he is also experiencing the same thing.

“you have to know, people are not really keen on me. even those in my previous schools. it’s a cycle, if i can define it. the same thing happens every time i move schools even with different flavours from each of them.” you scratch your head, wanting to feel the invading thoughts go away. a huge exhale comes out of you once again as you both take the walk approaching a street that goes to the outskirts of the neighborhood. standing alone in the middle of the fields is a house lit up behind hedges of leaves.

you both step into the darkness as heechan’s face is covered with shadows; letting him see more of the stars shine bright, taking dominance from the artificial lights.

“i’m glad that they seem to not want us to go to them today. it’s nice to not think about her and all the things i haven’t done to please her,” you concluded, pouting your lips as you also looked upwards like heechan, finding the sprinkles of stars adding to the majestic sight of the moon and the night sky. heeseung seemed to not reply to the answer that you wanted, and so, you just let him walk with you—side by side—until you arrived at the front of your carpool that still goes deeper into where your house stands.

the lone streetlight perfectly shows people is living here. you turn your body to face heeseung as you slowly step back before pausing.

“thanks...” you remarked.

“what for?” his eyebrows lifted.

“granting that wish of mine. I know you might go to the rooftop less because i understand your situation. it’s better if we go our separate ways rather than make these whole things happening to each of us worse.” you replied with a steady voice, hoping that it was stable enough that he couldn’t hear the little trembles on some words you’ve spoken.

heeseung replied with a small smile on his face as you also etched yours on your face before fixing your hair, letting the light refract on the piercing on your ear like he has on his own. so you turned your body around to head down the path to your front door.

“hey, (y/n)!”

you paused, turning your head to peer behind your shoulder.

“i’m not going anywhere. you still have to put the ointment that i’m holding for your piercing.”

you giggled at his proposition. turning around to face him again as heechan is also looking at you with a little pout of his own.

“okay,” you replied before turning your head as heeseung stopped you once again.

“and we haven’t shared our phone contacts yet.”

“oh yeah!” you approach him as you tug your phone out of the skirt pocket. the silver strap shining as it reflects the light from the streetlamp. you step to stand beside heeseung as you open the new contact. the boy said his numbers one by one as you pressed the key of the keyboard, heechan’s eyes staring at your nimble fingers before he let out a small shriek to see them move.

“done and i’m sending you a text.” a chime came from heeseung’s pocket after what you said while stepping back.

“thank you. and one last thing?” heeseung cuts your movement once again.

“yes?” you pushed your tongue to the wall of your cheek, holding back a cheeky laugh at his action.

“you want to go to the fields with me?”

eyebrows raised, you take in his request as you remember he mentioned it as the place he usually goes out with heechan.

“you shared your side of seoul with me. so i think you might want to know what i do with my pastime,” the boy added, his adam’s apple moving as he gulped. you let out a tight-lip smile whilst thinking back to what occurred between the two of you today. your eyes looking down at the hand that was holding yours almost all the time when you both head back to your town. the connection between you two feels more and more like a chemical reaction that can be bombastic.

“let me know when through sms,” you replied and watched as his smile widened. his eyes are also smiling, just like his little brother does before he stops himself and glances back at you with a sheepish smile on his face.

“alright.”

“okay.” you answered his answer, tilting your head to signal to your house. “good night, heeseung.” your farewell reaches him even as you step backwards. your eyes staring one last time at the brothers who are staring at you. little heechan waved his hand as heeseung looked at you before you turned around to head into your house.

you beeline straight to your room, putting your backpack on the bed as you look at your minimalist room with only a few posters that survived on every move of your interests. eyeing the computer on the desk, you grab your headset from the walkman and go to the desk, putting it gently so that it doesn’t press onto your pierced helix, plugging it into the cpu before you open the music player.

as you press play, the sound of a familiar dreamy song reminds you of the boy with his own ear piercing showing up in your head, letting you let out a small smile as you open the browser of the world wide web.

-

《this is not a drill》 《this is real》 《moonstruck is releasing a new album in a couple of days》 《from: silver

《oh my gosh! oh my gosh! oh my gosh!》 《from: 1004

《i will make a new thread on the forum to discuss the new album》 《so that it doesn’t crowd this side where we talked about general things》 《from: pearl

《thanks, pearl!》 《from: silver

《thank you once again, pearl!》 《i will discuss anything about this album as new information comes out》 《from: 1004

heeseung eyes the texts between the three users as he can’t help the giddiness flowing inside him. it’s not the first time he had ever been there since the beginning of a moonstruck release. he was there when breathe was released, but a surprise release like this sends his expectations high. yet, he knows that moonstruck will not disappoint. and he knows he can now share his giddiness with like-minded people.

he knows he had to share this information with you as soon as possible. yet, something about you is also pressing into his mind. something that he needed someone to help untangle. someone who won’t make fun of him for expressing his feelings unlike eunho, youngbin, and the others.

《i’ve been having a predicament》 《someone in my life has been opening up about their life to me》 《it is very personal and i notice we have similarities in how the world treated us》 《i introduced moonstruck to them and they seemed so happy with it》 《whenever we listen to her together》 《but》 《i am hesitating if i should reciprocate》 《from: bambi

heeseung sighs as he awaited for a reply. but when a minute passed, he knew it wouldn’t come. everybody seems to move to the other thread to discuss the new moonstruck album. he wanted to move there too, of course. but then he won’t see if anyone replied to him.

then his eyes flick to the chat portion of the screen when a line of text shows up underneath his lines.

《that’s a dilemma for sure》 《have you opened up to them as well?》 《from: silver

《yeah, i did》 《i mostly talked about the reasoning why i could make a great ramyeon》 《from: bambi

《ramyeon seems so good for a late-night snack》 《and that’s good on your part》 《you have opened up to them》 《why still hesitating?》 《from: silver

heeseung stared at the last sentence silver gave to him. words clouding his mind as he tried to piece them up to create cohesion.

《i guess i don’t want them to rid of the persona of me they see because of it》 《they’re so nice and gentle》 《from: bambi

《seems to me they see you as a companion, bambi》 《from: pearl

《i agree with pearl》 《you have opened up to them and they have opened wider to you》 《why not go all the way?》 《from: silver

《if it does well》 《from: bambi

《i feel that it will do well based on what i’ve read》 《maybe introduce them to something that you usually do》 《maybe you can tell them about the new moonstruck album since they seemed to enjoy her as well》 《make a space for both of you to talk about anything》 《from: pearl

that could work. heeseung remembers his promise to you for that field. he wants to share that side of him with you. the side of him which encompasses all of his feelings into one activity of the day as he refreshes his mind while listening to moonstruck. maybe he could invite you to do the same.

《i will plan for that》 《thank you to both silver and pearl》 《from: bambi

《of course, bambi :)》 《from: pearl

《you’re welcome, bambi》 《hope it goes well between the two of you》 《from: silver

the next day at school, all heeseung can focus on is the back of your head. it is leaning down, writing both the written and verbal explanations given by your teacher in front of the class. in small glances, he could catch eunho sometimes looking at you, but also seona a few seats at the front. when he had done his task, heeseung had no other activity but to “hang out” with the boys—usually sitting in silence as he let the vulgar conversation bounce between the other boys in the background of the waste dumping site.

there he caught onto a few other things that eunho has the boys do for financial gain. sometimes, girls will come to their hideout alongside youngbin. they all are in the same shirt uniform as the one he usually wears, but creases form in them like they do in the frowns on their faces. youngbin then gave them a thick envelope for eunho to open and find a stack of money. said boy split it up, giving little to the girls before they stepped aside. with the pattern forming the conclusion itself and the time that he had seen one girl he recognizes out and about with a man much older than her and himself, he realizes these girls were doing so to get paid under eunho’s command.

but the same vulgar words were sometimes related to you. he had read the letter that eunho gave to you back on your first day when he saw it peeking from your desk’s doorless drawer. his eyes scanned the words written in familiar handwriting, making him clench his hand to close them against this palm, tearing the paper. it reminds him of how eunho usually refers to “the girl”. there are so many girls that he can talk about using that phrase, but eunho knew of these girls’ names when they came to give him the money. and so, he had associated that eunho was talking about you; and heeseung is forced to listen to it.

it’s the reason he is hesitating to tell you. to want to avoid you as best as possible. yet, it only lessens. the rooftop is still a sacred place for the two of you. sharing the ointment that could help with both of your ear piercings, head nodding to the song playing on heeseung’s walkman of your cd collection you brought home. cds that remind him of moonstruck such as the cranberries and mazzy star. and, sometimes, you place your head on his shoulder like two connecting puzzle pieces while cigarette smoke rises in front of the two of you and your fingers give him the cigarette stick for him to hold between his lips.

it’s the same thing as today. he peeks from the corners of his eyes to watch you drag another smoke. the fire on the blunt flares up as it burns more and more of the outside layer.

“hey,” heeseung cuts off the silence.

“hmm?” you peek from the corner of your eyes just like him.

“i still want to bring you to the field, you know? do you have time today?”

looking elsewhere, your eyes flicker back to him as you flick the ash from the burning cigarette, a small smile on your face. “i have nothing to do after this. so yeah.”

“great. i’ll see you by the gate after the class finishes?”

“always.” you give him a thin smile. his eyes examining how your own are looking downwards. the way you had to hold your face from smiling wider made him smile instead, nudging his shoulder against yours as you both burst into giggles.

heeseung stepped aside by the main gate as he looked back to the class building, eyes scanning every person who went in front of him until his eyes landed on the girl that had been running around his mind for a month now. you who walked with a sense of timidness, your eyes looking around the people around you as you had this neutral face that did not allow people to read. yet, heeseung can read it. he walked like that before, anxiety coursing through his veins, as he had to stay aware. and when you catch his eyes, a small smile grows as you quicken your step to reach him.

watching you make his heartache as he looked at your bandaged limbs and reality hits. how could someone hurt a person this innocent? you don’t even try to bother other people with the stories you told him, but they still see you as inconvenient. someone that could be ruled over. that and the stories you’ve told before on how you moved around, not able to create a stable support system outside of your forsaken family. it’s also how you opened up to him, recognizing the similar agony that washed over the two of you.

heeseung had to scramble his mind once again, repeating every sentence that he had practised by himself, every scenario that could happen after he told you. he used to seek help, seek comfort in other people such as eunho back when they were still “friends” and civil. he remembered a trip he, eunho, youngbin, and the boys had when they were having their summer break back in middle school. using their saved money to actually head to jeju island. no parents are involved. just a bunch of boys having fun and forgetting every single problem they have here. torments that clouded every single one until it succumbed to eunho too at the end of the trip, changing him into the best friend heeseung ever had to his primary tormentor instead. because of that, he never seeks help again. until you reach out with your story to him.

“where to go?” you stood in front of him, making him startled as you let out a chuckle reserved only for him. instead of pointing and saying the direction of his usual resting place, he holds onto your hand and tangles them in each other, pulling you to walk beside him as he throws away the worries even for just a moment.

a few roads taken, he brought you to the beginning of the fields. the tall emerald green grass blown by the breeze that also reaches him. he brought the steps to a stop, observing the way the grasses moved about following where the wind came from. heeseung senses the heaviness in his lungs washes away as he takes a deep breath and exhales. a gentle brush against his pierced ear makes him focus on his hearing—catching a large exhale coming from beside him as well.

“this is breathtaking,” you mumble to yourself. his head turns as look at your face. the timidness is long gone as you let yourself relax. your hands wrapped with each other still as he guides you on the narrow asphalt road before heading to the side, the grassy patch that slopes down towards the field.

letting your hand go, you followed his movement as he sat down on the patch—legs curled as he rested the soles of his feet on the slope, allowing him to rest his hands on his thighs. you let your legs outstretched as if you’re a child waiting to be pushed down on the playground slide. your eyes follow heeseung’s hands who reach for his backpack and pull out his trusty cd walkman, giving one wired bud to you as he puts one for himself. his thumbs press against the rewind button. the sound of the cd spinning before it stops: signalling him to press play.

taking in the music, you both stayed quiet as heeseung took in the familiar view. the clear blue sky is decorated with thin clouds. kites flying at the back of his view near the large electrical tower that reaches to touch the space above. its large wires holding onto the other towers stretched further away from both of you. when he shifted his vision, you already had your eyes closed, a sway from your head before you opened your eyelid slowly, blinking twice before turning your head to meet him.

“this is what i usually do when i have no other things to do. moonstruck and the fields,” he mumbles. his hands holding each other as the walkman rested against his thigh.

“it’s genuinely nice. i can see why heechan seems to like it so much.” he chuckled as you remembered the brief mention of when he usually brought heechan here with him.

and it goes quiet once again. you both letting the ends of your outfit flutter against your skin, not minding that your bottoms will be grimy from the dirt.

“eunho and i are, well, were friends.” heeseung pushes out the first sentence he has to make you know, eyes slightly tilted so he can read your reaction. “we’re friends from middle school. we joined taekwondo together and met the rest of our friends there. he was actually a smart kid, ranked top 5 back in his elementary school and he also got bullied for that.”

“he was there for me and i was there for him.” the boy spoke, his face continuing to grimace as he recalled how everything was wonderful for younger him. “that is until this trip we had when we all went to jeju island. eunho was richer than all of us. his parents owned a manufacturing company operating in this very town. on that trip, he learned his mom was cheating with his dad’s best friend when his dad called him about their divorce proceedings. after that call, he swims in the ocean alone in front of where we and the guide were hanging about.”

heeseung closes his eyes and tightens them until he can only see the darkness before he opens them again, “the waves were crashing hard and he was pushed to the shore, unconscious. the guide gave him cpr as i stood aside, worrying for the first person i ever labelled as my friend. he coughed up the salt water and i noticed how his eyes were tearing up. it is because of pain, but there is also something else. that accident happened one day before we went back and on our last night there, he isolated himself. the next morning, he became reckless. like something stretches his self-control, and then it snapped. and it escalates.”

the boy wiggles his thumbs with each other, licking his drying lips. “the first day of school after that trip, he tackled our school bully, who has been insulting me, him, and the others since our first year. i stood beside him as eunho was looking at the field that was just mud from the rain last night. the bully stands there naked and covered with mud. ‘he has to act like a pig for being the pig he is’ he said. that’s when I realized eunho was not the friend i once knew. and i stay by him until now.” he peeks at you as you nibble on your bottom lip.

“then why didn’t you stay away from him?” your soft voice speaks out with your eyebrows furrowed.

heeseung can only sigh after he picked the sentences that he knew you might ask. after asking the people on the space station forum, he had to reflect on himself. he knew that staying by eunho’s side hurt him much more than when he realized he changed three years ago, and it escalated more and more. but he realized the reasons were simple for a situation so complex.

“eunho still looks at me as a “friend”, well, crony. he gives the other task to get him money that will also help with our meals and he needs it fast. that’s why he makes us to do some shit. mostly porch stealing and shoplifting. but he also had girls under his grasp, working after school to meet with older guys to give him money." heeseung shakes his head, reacting to the words he uttered himself and how ridiculous it sounds, “other than that, it’s better to side with him rather than being solo. the other students already refer to me as eunho’s friend and they can’t let that nickname go no matter how much i’ve been avoiding him. more bullies exist in our school, even the year above us and under us. if i’m alone, i’m more prone to being bullied further. it’s just that the bullies who bullied us are the top of the top in woonmyung high school.”

moonstruck’s voice continues on in the background of the conversation. the worry on your face changed into sorrow as your chest takes in the air rapidly. the shining sun reflects its light into your pupil, letting him watch the way your eyes glisten. heeseung raises his arms to wrap around your shoulders as he brings you closer to him. your head tilted as it rests against his shoulder before you turn your head to the sleeve of his shirt. sniffles come from you as he can’t help to feel it as well. his eyes looking somewhere else as he tried to balance out the explosion of emotion he is feeling.

“i feel so sorry for you,” you mumbled before leaning back so you could glance at him. a small smile formed on his face.

“i feel so sorry for you, too.” heeseung replied, “but when you told me about your situation, it made me want to open up too. i just can’t let you bear that burden on me when you open yourself to me so easily.”

“it’s not easy for me at all,” you nip your bottom lip, “i- i find you comfortable to talk about this because i saw myself in you. the similarities of our situation and all that. i know i can see myself as a friend of yours, bonding about our suffering.”

the boy gives such a face that makes you cower away. that is when he cups your jaw and makes you return to him once again.

“thank you for trusting me,” he said, his thumb caressing the apple of your cheek.

“thank you for also letting me hear your story.”

heeseung’s smile grows as he continues to stare at the beautiful view, the lingering heaviness still evident and how it crawls towards you as well. “you know? there’s something that i usually do to get rid of this feeling.”

“yeah?”

he hums to answer, nibbling his lip as he turns to you. “cover your ear for this.”

squinting your eyes, you let your hand reach up to cover your other ear, amplifying moonstruck’s voice instead as you looked at heeseung. that is when his next action startles you into chuckles.

“AHHHHHHHH!!!!”

heeseung squeezes his eyes shut and forms his hands into fists as he lets out a loud yell that vibrates against the atmospheric field. the sound wave disperses alongside his worries, opening his eyes, he calms his hyperventilating self, much more aware of his beating heart as he tilts to find your baffled face that lets out little chuckles. he follows, scanning your guffawed self before you give him a smile.

“you look better,” you stated, earning you a smile from him as well.

“it’s nice. screaming is nice cause it lets out all the pain you have in you in one swoop,” he echoes.

“cathartic...” you mumbled out and heeseung replied with nods.

“being the one without a voice, screaming out just helps me realise how big of a voice i am. that i still have myself to rely on,” the boy continued, adding more to his usual doing by the fields. that’s when he sensed your palm pushing him backwards. his eyes widen as he watches you.

“FUCK YOU!” you let out a loud and elongated yell until nearly all the breath in your lungs is out. your hyperventilation follows his as you glance back at him, a grin on his face as he can’t help to brush your cheeks. his thumb caresses near the corner of your mouth, pushing it outwards to make you let out a smile.

“you looked much more relaxed,” he commented. the creases on your face are smooth out, letting go of certain burdens you must have held back for a while now. he enjoys seeing you like this.

“thanks to you,” you replied, your hand not even reaching up to move heeseung’s hand on your cheek. instead, he watches as your eyes flick upward and downward on his face, lasting a few more seconds than usual before going back to his eyes. to answer, he scoots himself closer to your body—skin-to-skin contact. his eyes observe your facial structure, how all of them culminate into the beautiful face that is yours as he leaned in. your eyes flutter close as the boy watches, his forehead resting against yours as well as his pointy nose grazing yours.

push through and push through he did, tilting his head to one side as he slots his lips on yours. his thumb caressed your cheek before the other hand reached up, grazing against the rubbery skin of the wired buds on each of your ears as he cradled your face. your eyelashes rest against your cheeks when he leans back, finding how your lips are parted as you open your eyelids. your eyes staring back at him, cloudy before it dissipates as your hand reaches for his face.

heeseung held back his breath as you caressed his prominent cheekbone. every caress seems more like you want to remember every touch of his face. the boy leans forward once again, feeling the graze of your breath against his skin as he lets you take a turn and steady the pace. your fingers walk along his shoulder to his nape one by one. hooded eyes staring back at him as he nudges his nose back against yours, letting you take the lead as you tilt your head and place your lips back onto his. your hand that is on his nape pushes his head forward.

fireworks and butterflies all flutter inside heeseung. his limbs taking control to hold you close as you raise your other arm up and place on his back. his hands slide down your body as he holds onto your blazer-covered waist. both of your lips are moving in tandem with a tinge of chaos that he doesn’t mind. little clashes of teeth show the eagerness alongside your parted lips that makes him try to poke his tongue through. instead of being disgusted by it, you accept with how your mouth wide and take his tongue in. hums come from both of you as his grasp on your waist brings you closer, lifting you slightly onto him when he senses the circular music player pressing against you two.

he pulls away, looking downward to observe the connecting string between the two of you that got instantly cut as you approached him and sat across his thighs. your skirt overflowing, creating a circle on top of heeseung’s lap as he continued to kiss you, holding you close like you are the only person who could make him this sane after a long time. sunlight is blocked by your figure as you continue to kiss him, returning your hands back behind him as he wraps his around your waist tight. the warmth coming from you thawing the coldness in his heart that has remained frozen for a long, long time. you rest your forehead against him, brows furrowed as heeseung is still taking in the whole emotion and senses that overwhelms him.

slowly, he lifts his eyelids and lets his eyes take in your face, especially your swollen lips. he kissed your jaw before loosening his grip on you so he could admire more of you. the connection between the two of you that are increasing in chemistry as he felt ever more connected with you. and the connection that compels him to ask this.

“moonstruck has a new album coming out in a few days. my parents will not be home then and they will bring heechan too.” his words slowed down as he sensed your hand cupping his cheek, brushing gently against his skin. “do you want to listen to it together and maybe we can... you know...”

“make out?” you guessed and heeseung shakes his head.

“more than that,” he replied, resulting in you raising your eyebrows.

“are you sure?” you then cupped his face with both of your hands.

“with you, i am sure.” he pecked a bit of your palm that he could reach, resulting in you leaning in and pecking his pouty lips.

“okay. i do.”

-

with both of your hands holding something, you looked back at the decorated shelves with their intricate feather ornaments and light-blue colouring. a large poster that reflects the colour of the pink moon in front of the blue sky background. the appearance of the familiar female artist standing at the front looking at the camera; the silhouette of a pair of wings behind her.

angels. the name of moonstruck’s latest album.

placing the cd case on the counter, you let the cashier employee take in your item as you follow your other hand which is still holding something, trailing up the arm to see heeseung who was already peeking at you. his vision returns forward, gazing at the many posters of music events around the wall as you watch him. he had told you that this very store is the one that he shoplifted and then caught, with a tremble in his voice as he spoke those meaningful words even if it is a tad bit different. but you curled your hand against his tight.

“you have me now. we can buy the new album together.”

and indeed you did as heeseung put the amount of cash half of the price before you pushed your hands to the counter and finished the other half. the cashier glances between the two of you, a few seconds longer staying at heeseung before he picks up the money put on the little tray, counting down. you both are still hand in hand, facing forward with your heads following the cd on top of the counter. a sigh of relief coming from heeseung as you both heard the familiar ding of the cash register.

“here you go.” he pushes the cd as you reach to grab it.

“thank you!” you remarked.

“thank you so much.” heeseung follows.

zipping up your backpack and placing the straps back on your shoulders—sensing how safe the newly bought cd is between your own stuff—both of you stride out of the music store as heeseung pushes the glass door wide. the sun is still in the sky, albeit getting lower and lower towards the horizon. you both turn at the intersections and all towards heeseung’s home, towards the commitment you both agreed with when you found out about the new album release.

after that day on the fields, kissing heeseung is slipping into being a part of your nature. sitting down beside each other, having a few talks about today and other things that aren’t mentioned in your text thread, a puff of smoke comes from heeseung’s agape lips as you shared the earbuds of his walkman—the area where you got pierced has a little throbbing feel to it. when you tilt your head and let heeseung meet the gap between his and your lips, the wind brushes your skin alongside the butterfly in your stomach. you could taste the tobacco and menthol flavour you recognised before he pulled away and gave the burning cigarette to you. hooded eyes looking back at you before the eyelids open up once again.

both you and heeseung walked beside each other as you walked the empty road where one to two cars parked alongside bicycles. the intrusive thoughts in your head win as you give heeseung a huge push with your shoulders before you jog away down the road. your giggles ringing throughout the street as heeseung chases you down with a bigger stride and faster pace, nudging you off your momentum as you look back at him. stomping towards the boy before you give another nudge as he retaliates and you move away at the right time, making him miss his target. giggles turned into laughter as you could see heeseung’s pout forming, making you return in front of him as you gave him a little peck on his lips. no words uttered between the two of you, yet you can still communicate with each other.

however, stepping out of your shoes as you enter the front door of the lee household brings you back to reality. your eyes scanning the corridor as heeseung takes the lead—focusing on his room as he seems much more eager than you. not that you are not eager to listen to moonstruck’s new release, but the activity that you’ll be doing whilst doing it. maybe it is because of heeseung’s “friend group” that he is much more brash, but you had to prepare for this too. it is the first time you’re doing it and you're nervous about how will it last and how you will satisfy heeseung. you have little knowledge regarding sex after all even from the reading you did.

yet you trust yourself. that what you both agree to is something you both have trust in each other. something that can elevate your blooming relationship with him. by doing it, heeseung does trust and goes through so much more emotions towards you.

heeseung slides the door to his room to a close. the window that overlooks the front of the house is close nearly shut as you can still see the light coming from the sliver right down the middle. he switches on his lamps to let the room be illuminated enough. placing down your backpack on the chair of his desk, you open the main pocket where you store your stuff. notebook, your stationary case, your own walkman you had to use one side of the headset because of your healing ear, and the cd that is refracting the light in the room. you felt warmth enveloping one side of your from behind, a slight breathing that then is replaced by a searing kiss to your shirt-covered shoulder to then the juncture between it and your neck. angle you to one side, your chilly hand holds onto the casing as heeseung overwhelms you with his touch that you also hold with your other hand.

turning yourself around inside his embrace, you wrapped your arms behind his shoulder as you returned his kiss with your own. holding onto the casing as both of your bodies twist to meet each other and the tingling sensation. heeseung pushes his tongue into your opened lips, making you let out a muffled moan as he holds you tight against him by your waist. pulling away to breathe, he trails his kisses from the corner of your lips to the front of your neck as you open the first few buttons of your uniform shirt.

the boy notices it instantly, reaching his hands to continue unbuttoning your shirt as you reach for his own. with a few of the buttons undone from his side, he nuzzles away the ends of the shirts as he sees the hint of your torso. you let out a shaky breath as heeseung kisses the area by your sternum before he raises his head to look at you. his eyes questioning before it changes as you give him nods. heeseung caresses one side of the shirt away as he meets half of your body. you expected him to be in shock, especially with the numerous times you have said to him of the pain you endured. your body is the canvas that is marred with these proofs of pain, most inflicted on you by others. yet, heeseung’s action said otherwise.

every little blemish on your skin, he will kiss it. these scars that have littered your body, from the most prominent to the most obscured. he traces them one by one with his lips before giving a small yet long kiss. he takes off the sleeve and twists your arm so he can reach every single patch of skin that will always heal until your time is up. your head follows his, trying to stay as static as possible. but the actions he did dig deeper into your gut than you expected. as the small breeze brushes the other side, he peels it off from you, letting him see you breathing through your diaphragm, he continues to trail your skin with his lips when he sensed your chest shaking.

tilting his head back, the view of you squeezing your eyes shut as tears flow down the corner of your eyes makes him pause. “are you alright? did i go too fast-“

you whiffled your head, hands lifted to his shoulders as you opened your eyes and the blurriness faded away as you were met with heeseung’s concerned face. you let out a smile that turns into a small chuckle. heeseung brushes the fallen tear away as he cups your cheek.

“no, i’m alright. i, i haven’t felt this feeling in a long time.” you gulp down your saliva. “i’ve never felt this loved before.”

“aw,” he exclaimed, furrowed brows showing on his face as he leaned his forehead against yours, giving a quick kiss. “you deserve it. so much, (y/n).”

you nodded your head in his hold as your hands reached up to his uniform shirt, unbuttoning them one by one as you felt the cotton material of his inner t-shirt. heeseung reaches for his opened shirt and removes it in an instant before he continues his path down to your torso.

“let me take care of you first,” he remarked, pulling the other sleeve down as he continued doing the same thing from the side before this. he trails his lips to your arms where scars from scabs remain before he went back to your torso, tracing the simple white bra as he teasingly sucks on the material. his warmth seeps into the fabric and reaches your skin, goosebumps showing on your arms.

“can i?” his hands trail to the back of your body as you beat him first, reaching for the clasp as you take them off from the hook. the fabric of the cup falls as you look at him, nodding your head as he tugs the straps of your shoulders, letting him see how your nipples are already erected both from the breeze and the actions he had done. his hand reaches up to cup your right breast, a sharp gasp coming from you as he follows along with kisses around the left areola before he gives the nipple a suck. the hands that were rested beside your body reach up to heeseung’s head, rubbing it as an encouragement for him but also to guide him. his grip on your love handles tightened as he could hear your little whimpers when he brought you closer and changed to also treat the other side the same. it continues as he trails down to your abdomen, his furrowed eyebrows showing again as he kisses it all over when he finds the scarring there from the many times you know you’ve been hurt from the abdomen.

his hands reach for the clasp of your plain uniform skirt as he pulls it off alongside the zipper, tugging it downwards as his nimble fingers also pull down your socks alongside it, guiding you to step one foot at a time so he can pick it up and throw it somewhere where he had also thrown away your uniform shirt. his kisses focus on your calves and shins where the blemishes are prominent there, especially the prolonged kisses on your kneecaps that have to withstand the abuse you’ve endured. his hands reach behind your thighs and trail to your buttcheeks, giving them a squeeze as he met the sight of your pastel underwear.

a small kiss there makes you let out a gasp, his finger trailing the patch of fabric that is wet from your arousal. that’s when you felt his wet appendage taking in a taste, a hum coming from him as he tugs the band of the pair down your legs and you let him with how he easily tugs them away from you as soon as you step out from it. heeseung reaches back to your butt as he continues, finally tasting your leaking arousal as your hands continue to rub his hair and grip the back covered by his t-shirt.

he laps around your lower lips before he finds your opening and licks a strip there. and again, and again, as you moan in response.

“hee-“ you moaned as he let his tongue lick up the excrement.

one of your hands reaches down to your private parts, trailing your finger between your lower lips as you found the clit that brushes against heeseung’s nose bridge, pressing down and rubbing against it as to show him the other ways you felt more pleasure down there. his hand reaches for your calves as he picked one up and put it behind his shoulder letting him see the slit’s opening and the nub clearer as he uses his thumb there to rub it, letting him continue to lick up the area before plunging his tongue into the wider opening.

“fuck...” you gasped and continue to let out breathy moans, not wanting to be too loud so his neighbours won’t be alerted. your eyes looked down, brushing away the bangs that covered his forehead so you could observe how heeseung’s hooded eyes focused on pleasuring you. a moment later, he switched around as his tongue is the one that licked up your clitoris while he pushed his forefinger up your opening. you brace against him with your hand on his head so you can watch him and a claw against his back. your body is quivering as you feel something has risen down at your abdomen with how the muscles contract.

“you’re getting tighter,” he mumbled his observation.

“i’m- i’m gonna-“

“cum for me.” he pushes in another finger as they stretch your muscles alongside continuing to the pace of the thrust. he gives a gentle suck to your clit as he chases after your release. your head tilted back, vision blackens from how your eyes went back from your lid as you felt the liquid squeezed out onto his two fingers. a whine comes from you as they pull out before heeseung’s tongue returns and taste what you produced. your grip on him tightens as he continues to arouse you.

when he leans away, you can breathe steadily as he carefully pulls your leg off his shoulder and stands before you, hands returning to your love handles as he kisses your breath away, making you savour your arousal from his tongue as you continue to grip onto him, the t-shirt lifted from the clench from your hold as he leans away to cross his arms in front of him, lifting the hem of the shirt as you could finally observe his torso. you figured out his build as the right amount of muscles, fat, and bones, creating the prominent muscles cluster around his upper arms, pectorals, and abdomens with how the fat creates a softer look. the bones on his forearm and collarbone become more prominent alongside some protruding from this ribcage.

he looks beautiful. and he also had scars littered around his body.

the first scar you notice line across his collarbone. it doesn’t seem like something his bullies would do as the skin colour is so different between one and the other, creating an obvious shape for the keen people. you trace it with your thumb as heeseung watches how you observe the particular scar.

“it’s stitches that i got when i was 10,” he answers your curiosity.

“it’s beautiful,” you replied as you leaned closer and gave every trace of the stitches kisses.

you followed what heeseung had done, trailing the prominent scars on his skin with your kisses even with the slight difference in skin color. your hand reaches for his back and you can feel his muscles move and contract. you kneel down, your head resting on his abdomen as you trace every patch of the large scar on there. your hands move the waistband of the uniform pants as you lean your head against his thighs and look upwards.

“can i?” you echoed his request earlier.

“please...” he answers.

your fingers reach for the button and zipper to take them off before you tug the pants down, following the scars that are exposed on the skin that were covered by the material. your head tilts up as you find the prominent bulge from his boxer briefs. leaning in closer to it, heeseung’s grip on your shoulder tightens as you breathe on it. you could see a bit of the head side peeking out from the waistband and you don’t want to make him wait any longer.

pulling the fabric down, his member springs up as you touch it. the muscles contracting creating a sturdy cock to touch. the tip of the head leaking drops from the slit as you push out your tongue, looking down at the tip of your tongue and gently licking up the drop. heeseung’s sudden movement pauses you as he steps out of his bottoms before bringing them to pile up by your knees.

“you can kneel on them so that it won’t hurt you more,” he spoke as you looked up at him, your hand reaching for his as he helped you to find your position. the tip of his cock nudging against the bridge of your nose as your other hand reaches up and gives an experimental stroke. the boy hisses as he grips your hand before removing it to cup your cheek. your eyes looking up to meet his, his bangs hanging by his forehead with his mouth open. his chest rises and falls steadily as you follow with your own. you move your head, letting the tip slide along your face as you open your lips and give it a suck. your hand holding onto the cock so it won’t move anywhere. you hummed, the vibration sending chills to heeseung as he let out a breathy noise. tilting your head, you let him see just how well you suck him, wide up your cavern so that he won’t feel your teeth dragging against his skin.

“just like that,” he commented as you felt his hand reach the back of your head. the tip nearly reaching the back of your mouth as your saliva coats the area you suck. pulling away, you reach the layer of it and spread it against the rest of his member, feeling it getting longer and sturdier as you perceive the ridges of blood veins on them getting more prominent. your head moves without question as you push your tongue to lick one vein across the ridges towards his bulbous head. pushing your head to let more of him inside, you surprised yourself and him with your gagging, making him pull your head back as you let out a groan.

“you okay?” and you reply with your nodding head as you clear your throat.

“i am. just want to make you feel good.” your hands clutching against his thighs as his grip loosens to let you move on your own accord. his cock enters your mouth once again, bracing yourself as it hits the back of it as heeseung’s hand holds onto your head. your hand continues to stroke the rest that isn’t inside of your mouth while the other holds onto his body, his other hand on top of yours. his breathy gasps turn into low-note moans as you continue, sliding your saliva-covered fingers upwards to his abdomen and resting beneath his belly button. you can sense him chasing his high, his hips moving a bit to chase after you.

his moans become erratic and unsteady as you continue to stare at his expression. his teeth biting his bottom lip with the scrunch on his face, making him look much more delicious. “i’m cumming,” he exclaims. but you don’t stop sucking him as you move both of your hands towards his parts, one stroking his cock, the other stimulating his balls.

your breath was taken away as he pushed your head towards his hips, eyes wide as you could feel the warmth bursting in your mouth. a bit of saltiness that you push around inside your cavern as he pulls his cock out. your lips continue to pucker until the last of him is out, swollen and glistens as you push his cum down alongside your saliva.

“fuck...” heeseung exclaims as he moves his hand back to your jaw before guiding you to stand up. your hands enrapturing him as he kisses you, licking your agape mouth to let both of you taste each other’s cum. his hard cock pushes against your skin as you trail your hands down his back while he has his on your waist. your forehead resting against each other as you take deep breaths.

“i can’t wait anymore.” he shakes his head as his lips trail down your neck, making you push him back as you walk to grab the angels and his cd walkman before you sit on his bed. opening the lid, the sight of windswept’s cd shines on you as you pull it away before placing it on your lap. you gently rip the plastic sheet covering the cd, its sleek material glides against your fingertip as you push the lid open to be met with the booklet and the shining disc. the colour of the moon reflects its blue design unlike windswept’s cream and breathe’s green. heeseung’s hand touches your thigh as you look at him, signalling with his head for you to lie down on the bed. you pull the cd out and place it in its place.

with your position, you can see heeseung’s full figure perfectly as he stands beside the bed. his hand reaches for the cd casing as he looks at the track list. “48 minutes. 12 tracks.”

“as long as windswept,” you remarked. his eyes move to you as they trail down your exposed body from the light of his bedside lamp. placing the other cd inside of the casing for safe-keeping before returning it back to his table.

heeseung straddles you as you widen your legs to let him know his place. your eyes focus on your fingers as you untangle the wires of the earbuds. your giggles float in the room as he moves to adjust himself and you, the head of his cock resting against the skin above your lower lips. he gently lowers the head down, tapping it against your clit as it makes your body quiver, your knees already folding up as it rests right beside his hips. you grab onto of of the buds as you push your arms upwards, making heeseung lean down as he lets you push the bud into his ear, brushing against his piercing before you return to place the other bud into your own pierced ear.

“it will hurt,” he spoke above you.

“yeah...” you reply, your other hand already grabbing onto his tricep as you both look at how heeseung helps you get ready—how he also is getting himself to take you to the next level. he pushes his cock more, letting the tip caresses your clit and lower it as it widens your inner lip. you lean back more, letting your hip push up to let him see the hole.

“ah!” you gasped when you felt the head nudged at the entrance, shivers and sweat running down your spine as he pushes the rim of the hole so it got wider. your wetness makes the stretch easier when you can feel his head enter, from the narrow tip to the middle until the rest of his head is inside of you. your body is quivering, eyes stuck on his shaft entering you as a cacophony of moans and groans coming from both of you. hands held onto his arm and the walkman respectively as his hands on the pillow beside your head tighten up.

“fuck!” heeseung leans his head back, letting you admire his throat that has little blemishes from your kiss. you feel your walls closing in on him even just the little bit that he had entered. but it makes you shake your head.

“keep going,” you mumbled to him as he looked down to meet your breathtaking face. your nipples are perky as you reach his hand with your own. “i can handle it.”

“you’ll be the death of me,” he said under his breath as heeseung pushed himself deeper. more of your walls open up to encompass him as you keep your fingers locked in between his. the expression of your pain dissipates as you familiarize yourself, feeling yourself getting fuller as he pushes more of himself in.

the brush of his tip against your cervix widens your eyes as you feel his hips against yours. his body is still on top of you as you raise your legs up. his heavy breathing against your ear with the wires searing your warm skin with the cold material. heeseung’s lip trail kisses from your ear to the corner of your lips, his other hand holding onto your waist so that he can’t crush you. you embrace him by kissing him, a blissful smile spreading against your face, calming the boy.

“does it feel good?”

“very,” you respond, lifting your head to give a kiss as a seal. he looks to the side, glancing at your hand that's holding onto his walkman as you follow. your thumb reaches for the play button and pushes it down. the cd whirls inside as the sound of guitar strumming plays with the first song. your eyes staring into each other, overwhelming more of your senses from the touch to the hearing.

supernova, as you remember the title to be. a supernova also bursts inside of you, from the beautiful sound along to heeseung who invites you to join in on this intimate moment. and as the song continues, hearing moonstruck sings, the boy moves his hips, sliding his cock nearly out before pushing it back in.

his movement continues as the song continues, taking things slowly as you both take both sensations. your hands wrapped around his back alongside your legs on his waist. the feeling of the walkman resting on his back as you both look between each other and the place where your bodies conjoined. his kiss lingers as you stay in eye contact with him, yet sometimes it rolls back when you feel him hitting some spots within you. your eyes resting on his expressions as he looks down at you, sparkles in his eyes resembling supernova as you brought him down to kiss him with your hand on his cheek. gently, you brush his bangs resting on his forehead as both of your moans get louder in time with the rhythm he said. heeseung’s grip on you tightens as you can sense the fluidity of his hips moving faster, making more of your eyes roll back.

“hee, hee-“ you moan as you stare at him who is gritting his teeth, holding onto something you could assume is his release. you both come from the same position after all and it admires you more that he manages to hold on.

“let go,” your whisper reaches heeseung’s ears as his doe-like eyes enlarge, nodding your head to justify what you imply.

“cum for me,” you continue. your free hand reaches to play with your breast as your gleaming eyes silently plead to him, “cum in me.”

heeseung’s groan continues as his movement gets faster, chasing after his release and—with his thumb rubbing against your nub—making you chase after yours. he moans out deliciously as he collapses, his head returning to nudge into your juncture. as the fourth song plays, you can feel his liquid warming you up. yet he continues to rub his thumb against your clitoris as he turns his head to look at your side profile. the walkman still resting on his back as you push against it with your hand.

“my... angel...” he kisses your cheekbone as your loud moan comes out from your lips before he muffles it with his deep kiss. you could feel his outstretched smirk as your orgasm gushed out to your walls and his member. you breathe heavily as heeseung calms you down, his usual cockiness seeping out of its shell as he touches the area where you and him connected, making your body jitter.

“angel...” he mumbled against your skin as the fourth song finished and continued on with the fifth one.

“baby...” you replied with an airy voice, bringing him down back onto you as you felt his hand on your breasts and play with them. the sound of wetness coming from the bottom of your body as he continues to playfully nudge his hips, the coldness of both of your cum spreading across your warm skin.

“you want more?” you mumbled, eyes catching his as the corner of his lips wide, matching your own bliss expression.

“just one more.” his words come to you as he holds on to your waist and turns both of your bodies around. you nip on your bottom lip as both of your cums flow downwards. hands reaching for heeseung’s torso as your grip is still on the walkman. that’s when you felt a little tug on it as heeseung held it in his hand. you straighten your back, holding yourself up as trickles of your releases seep in between your walls and his shaft. and more of them as you push yourself down.

leaning your head back, you let out a satisfying moan as you push heeseung deeper into you, already feeling his tip right against your cervix as you push a bit more. the boy hisses underneath you, his hands holding onto your hips as the cold, slippery touch of the walkman adds to the sensation. the music continues to play, the dreamy synth sound that is being overdriven by the noisy guitar. you slowly lift yourself, groans coming from both of you as you sink once again at the same pace.

“angel...” he whispers, making you lean forward as you continue the pace with heeseung’s own following behind. your lips open wide, eyes on his as both of your lips graze each other’s. he puckers his lips, capturing yours as you hold your up still with your hands across his torso. heeseung’s lips continue to move down and meet your collar; giving it a hard suck that you know will create a mark.

“heeseung-“

“you feel so fucking good. you’re doing so well.” his words encourage you more and more, changing between bouncing and grinding above him. your crotch sticking to his as you look down to see where you both are connected: strings of the sticky liquid joining both of you as you experimentally slow down, listening in to the moisture created by both of you. your muffled moan comes along with a smile as heeseung’s lips contorted to it as well, rolling on him as you lean your body back. heeseung’s free hand graces your front, brushing against your nipples and your tummy; creating goosebumps on your arms.

one of your hands reaches for his as you bring it to your clitoris, his finger moving once again as you can’t help to let out a loud gasp, quickening your pace.

“i, hah, i love-“ you bite your lip tight, hands pushing against heeseung’s body as you have to lift yourself up as your legs become tired from the folding and floating from before as well. “I’m gonna cum.”

the boy’s hand reaches for your upper back and pushes you down as you follow the pace of the rock-sounding song, reacting accordingly as you hear the chorus melody by rolling your hips before changing back to bouncing. heeseung brought your lips close to him, feeding each other’s moan when you felt your knees buckle and hands shaking. your neck is outstretched as you take in to breathe from your orgasm.

and the beats quicken, turning from heavy bass to heavy drums, and heeseung doesn’t stop the pace. hands holding onto your hips to push it down as he chases for his release.

“fuck!” your arms buckle as you sigh heavily against heeseung, hiding your face in the crook of his neck as he breathes into your ear. your lips leave a little mark on him as you focus on the atmospheric sounds. skins slapping, moist, heavy breathing, your whimpers, his praises mumbled under his breath, the droning music in your ear.

he doesn’t need to say it when he pushes your hips down on him with a loud moan. warm liquid shoots inside of you as you already lift your head to watch his blissful face. heeseung’s eyes also rolled back—his adam’s apple bopping as he took huge breaths—before returning to his hooded state. the track ends with the chirping of birds and it fades to a stop.

only your exhales are heard as you stay in eye contact with him before you kiss him, signalling the end of your listening party with a full mind and heart.

-

everything seems to go back to normal, whatever normalcy is for you, but with a constant of heeseung in it.

he returns to his careful self—staying away or outright “making fun” of you—following eunho and the others. yet, lunch is always the time for you and him, resting your head against each other’s shoulder and then head, telling stories about each other as you expand about everything you know about heeseung and especially his love of moonstruck. angels dominate the conversation of the rest of the week, from the calm start to the sudden yet exciting dark yet upbeat songs. and because of that album, he interchanges in calling your name and angel.

your normalcy also includes your still existing “connection” with seona and the rest of the girls. the constant barraging, stealing of homework, and mockery are the ones that you still have to endure. you also had to realize that you’re not the only one being tormented by them—the result of a sudden encounter when you see a girl from another class curling on the floor, her glasses strewn away that you can’t help yourself but to interject before someone breaks it. and it results in you taking a beating right as they push the poor girl away in pain. but these days, you have a hunch that it’s getting harder. their punches have more force, resulting in your inner bleeding bruise actually turning very dark; the papers thrown or landed on your desk much more frequently, the girls encouraging eunho and the rest of the boys to add much more overt sexual sayings to you as you can’t help to peek behind you, finding heeseung’s mortified expression masked by an insincere smirk.

the phone buzzes inside your pocket as you pull it gently with the chains brushing against your hand. your eyes skim-read the message full of abbreviations as you hold on to your resting face, already knowing what to expect as you head to the side of your school building. a place where you had only seen the school gardener tend to the bushes there, a little alleyway in between the school building and the wall marking the school’s parameters. the usual place where you get more markings on your skin that you had to pull your socks higher to cover them up—always checking up on your blazer’s sleeves.

yet, even with such a predicament, something still feels off as you arrive at the narrow path: the smell of smoke.

even if it is familiar to you, you haven’t caught the girls smoking until now. they each have their own stick, holding it by pinching with their thumb and forefinger even with the stick still nearly as long as the one unburned. the way they smoke seems so unnatural to you it raises your awareness. and you can see it, behind the floating smoke, the appearance of seona and her agonizing smirk.

bracing yourself against the brick wall, you can sense your head pulsing and immediate dizziness coming in. risoo holds onto your blazer and you then realize that there is a torn in between the seams of the right arm sleeve and the shoulder area. your hearing turns into an automatic muffled option—letting their words enter from one ear and exit the other ear—as you brace yourself to toughen up your body and hold on to the pain once again. but the introduction of fire held by them is something that you don’t want anyone to experience. hopefully, it’s you and only you who will endure this.

because you had to look down at the newly formed round scars. you can already imagine the pain it is to heal and hide. the cigarettes were left on the floor to burn until the filter parts as you cower down, wiping away the tears of pain before you stomp them until they die. leaving only ashes and scars on your forearms. the heavy weight of the blazer burns against your open wounds, but you just can’t bring yourself to the nursery. as much as the school nurse will be there to treat you, you have been there so much that you feel ashamed about it. because you don’t deserve to be treated so much, knowing that there might be other people who need faster treatment than you.

you grind down on your teeth as you head back to class for the short break, walking past the unknowing people as you try to bear the pain by curling up your hand, the tense muscles making them more painful. a detour to the restroom makes you face yourself. you can see how pink your eyeballs are from the dried tear marks near your eyes. hisses coming from you as you hold yourself down from letting out such an agonizing scream when you feel the cold water brushing against the wounds, more tears forming from the corner of your eyes. your swollen nose is such an obvious appearance of your tearful self, so you clean your face too with the cold water, shocking yourself as you brace for the rest of the day.

as lunch comes and goes by, you hide it from heeseung—holding onto his hand as you snuggle up to his side while he eats the rest of your food from the lunch box. fingers curl in between his as sometimes you give a little pressure to dissipate the pain in your arm. but there is still someone that you can’t seem to hide as miss kang’s appearance startled your class by the end of the day. her eyes looking around the class as she talks about the dates for your final exams for the end of the semester, yet she seemed to land her eyes a little longer on you and especially at your hand that curled around the edge of your table, pressing it down with your grip to subside the pulsing pain.

that’s the only time that they play with fire. but, you might think that it might just be the beginning, especially with the increase in cat calls that many of the boys similar to eunho and heeseung’s group have been throwing at you even when you walked past them with your headset on and the cranberries cd playing in your walkman. and then, it started: heeseung didn’t show up to the rooftop for three days straight without even giving you an sms.

the rolling bandage wrapped around your forearms has covered the burned scars, hiding it still underneath your blazer even with the rising temperature as the season approaches summer. when you entered the class and approached your seat, you saw heeseung with his head laid on his table. slowly, you knock your knuckles gently against his table.

his head lifts as you meet his eyes as you observe him. a bandaid across the tall bridge of his nose, a faded bruise on his cheekbone, a clear sign of a black eye on the other, and a cut on the corner of his thick lips. your mouth opens, ready to let out whatever reassuring words that come to mind when his piercing glare stops you, he mouths a simple word.

“don’t.”

the back door of the class opens up with a loud bang as you take a glimpse at the boys coming in. heeseung gives a brief look before he pushes himself upright. recognizing the faces, you instantly move to sit on your chair, unpacking your bags to get out your stationary case and notebook. your ears revert to its “natural” phase of pushing people’s conversation out of your mind, especially if they are talking about you. the girls also arrived, but you see risoo is playing with her digital camera that has been there alongside your suffering.

as the morning class started and continue on, you felt a slight buzz in your skirt pocket. your eyes are focusing on the blackboard as you try to find the opening and drag your phone out by the strap. pressing the middle button, a notification appears on your screen that makes you want to let out a smile.

“hey, wanna meet up at the back of the school?”

you turn your head around as you meet the crown of heeseung’s head before he raises to meet you. yet, you were met with the same poker face you’ve always seen him wear to blend in. but you give him a small smile, hopefully that is enough of an answer for him, that, sure, a change of scenery will hurt no one, especially since you never interacted with him on school outside of the lunch break window of time. the first thing that you want to do when you meet him is to ask what happened to his beautiful face.

the constant happenings in your home make you succumb to tiredness, having a perfect quick nap in the middle of the class until you hear the rummaging and slides of chairs around you. pushing yourself up, you find a few students staying back in class. that’s when you remembered the meeting with heeseung at the back of the school. you’ve been there before and it is beautiful even with the small land as it looks like you stepped into a terrarium.

the leaves and branches from the tree separate the sunlight into beams, creating a perfect shade to the clear sky. your feet move with a mix of enthusiasm and hesitation, dragging them as you can still feel the bandage wrapped around your ankle. you abandoned the blazer, reminding of your trust in heeseung as he doesn’t even cover the bruises on his face. they drag across the gravelled path, as you turn your head around the corner to find the familiar sight.

the sight of his wide shoulders, ruffled black hair, with a brief glimmer in his eyes. but when you found him, he had his head hung low and hands behind his back.

“heeseung?” you called out. but when you want to step closer, ruffles are heard behind you with a sudden grip on your shoulders. the boy before you stood still, eyes on the ground and maybe just peeking to see the ends of your shoes.

dread fills you as you hear the person speak.

“well, isn’t it lovely? seeing you both here instead of the usual rooftop you both hang out on.”

eunho.

two forces gripped your hands at the same time as you could recognize the chuckles from the boys that stood there. youngbin approaches heeseung before standing behind him, taking hold of his hair before forcefully tilting it back. your eyes scan his appearance, how dim his usual shine is, and you shift your gaze beside him to discover the familiar girls standing aside, camera ready in risoo’s hand with seona standing by her with folded arms.

“you think we don’t know?” eunho added, feeling his head nodding as seona replied with a nod. “you think we don’t know the connection that you both have, huh newbie?”

“we can see them in class and don’t you think we didn’t catch you when both went out together?” youngbin said loudly from behind heeseung, hand holding his head still as you feel eunho’s breath brushing against your pierced earlobe.

“i knew that you were like your mother, but him, huh?” the boy behind you chuckles as his words plunge more to the acid in your stomach, making your gut react more than the sunken feeling it has felt as it lands on the bottom of the pit. you sense his hand moves from your shoulder to the side of your body, the uniform shirt clinging against your torso as you squirm when the fingers trailing down beneath your bosom. teeth grinding before you let out a cry that was muffled easily with eunho’s other hand.

“is heeseung really that good of a fuck?” youngbin speaks, taunting heeseung as he looks across at you and the way your body tense as eunho’s hand untucked your shirt from your skirt. fingers unbuttoning from the bottom of the shirt. your eyes shift to the chuckling girls as risoo has the camera right on you. yet, heeseung stayed still; you can’t read what he wants with this. why did he agree to this? you knew of the predicament you were in. being the lowest of the lowest in this very school.

eunho’s fingertips brush against your exposed skin as you hold on to your cry. “look how sensitive (y/n) is. well, all we want for you two is to entertain us.” the fingers continue to unbutton the shirt until the collar, exposing your bra to them. “you are our entertainment. so...” your eyelids widen as you see the furrow on heeseung’s brows. yet he stayed quiet. both eunho and youngbin lean in close to your ears as you hear their command at the same time.

“fuck him.”

“fuck her.”

your body is pushed to the front as your shirt flails, exposing more of your skin as you brace against heeseung’s body. lifting your head to glance at him, you take a peek around you before you whisper, “please.”

but when you felt heeseung’s arms wrapped around you, you knew that his familiar warmth was telling you something. something that makes your heart broken into smithereens.

“close your eyes. just feel me,” he whispers back.

he was coerced. he dangers himself to be with you and got caught. and now you are the collateral of his punishment.

heeseung’s kisses to the crook of your neck that is warmer as you close your eyes. focusing on his touch and shakes of the leaves that cover the rest of the people’s snickers. his grip begs you to let go of this world just for a moment, block out this memory so that it doesn’t traumatise you more. hopefully, it’s he and only he that will endure this.

you felt your body lying down on the gravel, the prickling little stone brushing against your skin as every rushed movement would caused another scratch on your body. heeseung’s hands brush against your bandaged forearms, a quick swipe as if he had to punish himself for not knowing these on your body. behind your eyelids, you see heeseung’s silhouette and focus on it. his hand brushes against your thigh as you are at the precipice of letting go. disassociate from your body for a second.

the boy leans down to cover your body with his as he plays with you as their entertainment but still covers you up for your dignity. you held down your lips as whimpers came out of you—you don’t know how long this will last, but you let yourself go to heeseung as your bandaged arms wrapped around his back. the sensation felt from your lower parts continue as the gravel movement increases around the both of you. heeseung’s head resting in the crook of your neck, wetting them up with the tears he can finally let go in a freefall-

“WHAT IS THIS?”

your eyes open wide as the piercing sun hurts them more. the legs of your bullies stood still as you looked from the gaps to discover two figures.

“we’re-“

“move out of the way.” the harsh voice sounds familiar as the legs are moved away alongside its bodies with the two figures approaching.

“oh, (y/n).” you looked up to find the worried face of miss kang, your homeroom teacher, and coach kim who was assessing the situation. and you had to wrap your arms around him more. the boy sobs muffled into your collarbone.

“p-please don’t punish heeseung.” you spoke up in a gravelly voice, “he’s with me. we’re-“

coach kim calls for someone as they turned the corner to find the school’s security guards surrounding the rest of the boys and girls. miss kang crouches down as she finally looks at your wrapped hands and the single bruise on heeseung’s face.

“oh...” her calm voice embraces the two of you as coach kim and the guards round up the people that were being entertained by you. yet you don’t want to let go of heeseung, scared for him more than he will face wrath from the teachers for your case. that you will defend him to be treated just like you are, because he had to endure it longer and he deserves them better than you.

-

《you know》

someone stands at the side of a large patch of grass. its emerald green piercing the eyes with some semblance of freshness. but also something dangerous.

《when you have stayed for so long in the space station》 《do you feel like you are able to reach for the moon itself?》

the figure walks forward, immersing themselves in the sea of grass as they approach one of the many steel towers that looked like dormant giants awaiting to be wakened up.

《yet space itself is a vacuum》 《and i heard that being in space with proper protection is like feeling the same pressure as when you are under the water》

much far away, a group of kids are flying colourful kites above the sky. the figure blinks, eyes following along with one of the kites that have tails trailing behind them. a small smile emerges on their face.

《and i feel like i am at the bottom of the ocean now》 《while all i want is to reach for the sky》

bandages adorned their arms as they dropped their backpack. some items spill out from the unzipped main pocket. a sight of the peeking walkman reflecting the sun.

《why does it hurt so much to emerge from the depths?》 《why does it hurt so much to even breathe the fresh air?》

their sweaty hands reach for one of the steel legs holding the transmission tower upright. with a huff, they pull their body up. it reminds them of when they used to climb up to the roof of the house when they were 5 years old. looking down at the streets of the neighbourhood with the house all empty of familial presence and love.

《why does it hurt so much when you can not reach the moon?》

step. step. step.

《and so》 《i decide to take it into my own hand》 《i will reach for the sky》 《climb the tallest structure i could underneath the clear sky》

they turned their body around, looking down at the plunge to assess it. one drop and a quick death for them. to end them all.

《i will reach for the moon》 《from: pearl

“(y/n)!”

the wispy wind blows against your wind when you look at the approaching figure running. you continue to hold on to the steel as the figure approaches, looking up with his face full of bandages as well.

《i want to reach the moon too》 《but moonstruck is enough for me to be able to reach there》 《you can get the taste of celeste here too》 《stay with us》 《stay with me》 《people admire you so much for what you have contributed to the space station》 《stay for them》 《stay for yourself》 《from: bambi

heeseung looks up with furrowed brows. his eyes landed on both of your hands that were holding the steel forming an angle. he sees your body trembling, a quiet sob reaches his ears.

《i will try》 《from: pearl

the boy stands near the leg as he sees your body turning, bringing you to take the step down the same way you went up. but its slippery angle makes you have to look down at the ground as well. you meet heeseung’s eyes as he stands right below you even with your blurry eyes.

“i’ll catch you,” he says with a pout on his face. you nodded your head, stepping down until he could reach for your waist before he lifted you off the steel beam and into his embrace. he looks down as you curl up against his chest, crying your eyes out and wetting his uniform shirt.

slowly he pulls away as he brings his hands to cup your face, your eyes still tilted downwards as he gives you a peck on the lips before it moves to your forehead and temple and he makes you rest your head against him once again. you focus on the sound of nature, how the chirping birds and the excited kids with their kites create a choir as they fly near each other in the sky.

days have gone by since that very incident. you still remembered how you told most of everything that transpired for you, prompting their conversation by pointing out the visible bruises and how they scarred your body. you also describe witnessing other people being bullied by them, how it affects your scores as well, and to also go to heeseung because he had felt the same thing. for the past years or so, you didn’t need to actually report to the school about this. because most of them don’t care, anyway. none of the adults care about people your age.

but when you heard the bullies were suspended for two weeks, you find that as a little victory when you came into the classroom to find their tables, alongside heeseung’s for the past three days because of his association. you let yourself talk to the other victims—most are the girls that were coerced by eunho to get them money as you learn their hardships as well. that with this punishment, at least he and the rest of the boys wake up from their trance. and yet, you still feel undeserving of treatment when there are people who need more. the survivor’s guilt ate you up from the inside until all you sense is the husk of yourself. none of your parents came to the school when coach kim told them to come, and you had to revert to your music once again until you felt that even it didn’t fill you up anymore.

your eyes landed on heeseung’s when you came into the class today. the guilt building up once again when you see him with his bandaged face. his stare pierces into the back of your head as you continue with class, your body cowering so much that you want to hide yourself from the glance of your fellow students and teachers. and during lunch, the first time you were supposed to have lunch with heeseung after three days by yourself, you grabbed your bag and left the school, citing the doctor’s appointment to the guard knowing just how bruised and in pain you were that day he found alongside coach kim and miss kang.

you didn’t realise heeseung had followed you until you met him and your rose-coloured glasses disappeared in an instant. that with you being gone doesn’t actually solve everything, especially with the people that you have connected with and your responsibility to them.

it’s too late for you both to go back to school now as the sun has gone its way down to the western horizon. your eyes focusing on the flying kites as its wonderful colours represent the various inner turmoils inside you. you felt him move to the side, letting you turn your body to sightsee as heeseung stood with his arm wrapped around you. his sigh catches you off guard as you peek towards him. his eyes darting with the recognizable expression of when he is thinking about an idea.

“do you want to go back to your house? i’ll be here with you.” his reassuring hand moves to hold you firm. lifting your head to read his face, your quiet reply with a nod of your head is enough for an answer as he tracks to grab your backpack and tidy it up. you can still feel how your legs are trembling as heeseung emerges from beside you with your backpack strap onto one side of his shoulders, arm behind your back as he leads the walk back to your house.

as you looked around the road you walked by, you could see the glances of the people working or resting. yet their gaze feels different now. none of the hostility you had experienced are there. the townspeople talk of the sexual harassment you endure and when they finally see you in your wounded galore; they finally understand. yet, they don’t want to act, at least make their children notice these things. the hardships their peers have experienced with the turn of the century and how scary it is to grow up at that window of time.

the walk down the road helps in calming the voices in your head. the reassurance that innocence still prevails comes from the elementary school kids who are now out of their schools, walking around and about as they have their snacks together before their parents search for them to come back home. you’ve never experienced it before, but you feel a tug on the corner of your lips as you watch them—to know that their innocence is still intact, unlike what you have experienced.

coming out of the last set of buildings, your house stood tall meters away from them—the sight of the transmission tower in the background reminds you just how close the place you wanted to end things from your abode. the hedges are now too overgrown that if it’s not because the exterior lights are on every night, it will look abandoned like it did months ago. you remembered heechan’s innocent gaze from the last time heeseung brought you back—the only time he brought you back here because you rather go alone back, much more discreet. and the house continues to stand tall, greeting the tenant who lives there—well, the one who consistently is there.

heeseung stops his tracks as he looks at the path down the carpark to where the entrance of the house is, his arm reluctant to let you go when you turn your head and ask, “do you want to go inside?” in your hushed voice.

one glance at the house and then at you; he gives the reins to you as you pull him with you down the empty path. you let out a sigh as he watches how your eyes are trailing around the face of the house. some windows are open as he sees floating ends of the sheer curtain spill out of the shadowy background. your hand reaches for his upper arm as you walk around him, opening up the front pocket of your backpack as you pull out the house key: the main house key.

pushing the key into the hole, you turned it as you heard the few clicks before you pushed down the handle and opened the door, tucking your shoes off by the door as you nudged your head for him to follow. stepping inside the house, his sock-covered feet walk across the wooden boarded floor as he is greeted with the sight of boxes stacking behind the sofa. most of these boxes are the usual brown boxes with labels written on the side. some were open, some were supposed to when he caught the sight of a pocket knife on one of them. but the others are boxes of various luxury brands that he can only imagine his parents only have one or two of their products. the room is dark as only the sunlight goes in from the open window.

it looks more like a storage than a home.

heeseung follows your moving figure as you approach what looks to be the kitchen and dining area. it is clean with only leftovers of unwashed pans available, stacks of recognizable lunch boxes resting on the counter beside the stove before he glances at the dining table where there is only a single plate on it even with the three chairs surrounding the table. the only signs of living and it comes with the semblance of you as you place your lunch box on the counter, waiting for it to be reheated when you are actually hungry. looking up from the box, you had turned your body to look at him.

“come, let me show you my room.” you trail back down the path you have taken, dragging your sock-covered feet against the floor as he walks behind you, the question already at the tip of his tongue as he pushes to ask.

“you’re alone here?” his voice lifted in intonation as you replied with a hum before adding more.

“they haven’t been home for a few days now. probably doing their usual thing.”

his steps stopped as you stood in front of the door which he could read from your action is yours. your hand reaches for the handle, hearing you take a breath, as you push the handle and open the door for him to be met with a surprising view.

across from him is a large familiar poster. it shows a nighttime landscape. a girl stood in front of a clear sky with the white shiny moon behind it. but the writing underneath the moon is the one that struck him.

moonstruck.

stepping forward, he lets out a small gasp.

around the room, he notices familiar images that he had seen both online and offline. some are the ones he had seen when he was thinking of buying merchandise, but he couldn’t. posters of bands that heeseung knows also have celeste aura collected on one side of the room. mazzy star, the cranberries, the velvet underground, all stood next to the calendar of the year 2000 and the map of south korea with a few pins sticking to them. but its space is compact compared to the moon imagery throughout the rest two sides of the room as the other is where the large window is, opening to the backyard with the sky turning purple. shifting his head once again, he finds a familiar site of a computer set sitting in the room's corner. the desk where the desktop screen stands has a stack of cds by moonstruck but also by her old band, nexus, but there alongside them rests a set of accessories of bracelet and necklace made of silver chain and white pearls.

yet, his eyes caught onto the lit-up screen of the desktop, they shifted at the familiar formatting of the screen he had many times visited. the black background and white-coloured text, the little emoticons of stars and moons,and the side of the screen where you can see the username of the owner of the account. and on top of the page is the recognizable banner of the moon and the typography spelling “space station.”

“you’re-“

“yes.” he turns his head as you approach the desk; opening your files folder so he could see the specific titles of the files. you click twice using your mouse, clicking the shuffle symbol as the familiar guitar of erotic plays from the computer’s speaker.

“i’m pearl. and you’re bambi.” you turn around your body and stand your ground, observing his face.

the pearl that was there when he had first entered the space station—the moderator and owner. the pearl that introduces him to more musicians similar to moonstruck. the pearl that was there assuring him everything was going to be okay. the pearl that he had convinced to not end it all.

it’s you.

“how’d you know-“

“i’ve recognised some details you have written about in the space station. but especially when bambi mentioned someone opening up to them and how they need convincing for bambi to also open up, and that day by field is the day after it. it’s too much of a coincidence.” you stepped forward and every step was full of hesitation as you arrived in front of him.

“i have. i’ve never met a moonstruck fan before other than myself and the first thing i do when i go to a new place is to not let people know that i love this artist who doesn’t know me so much. to not seem so fanatic about it and to wallow in it by myself. but when i met and you introduced me to moonstruck.” you gulped your saliva, “i just had to pretend that i didn’t know her when i know her so much, so that you can continue to talk to me about it, and i will not be as lonely as i am all the time.”

heeseung watches how pearly tears fall from the corner of your eyes. your facade breaks right in front of him along with the action that you were doing to hurt yourself before. he understands you so much, hiding a part of yourself that you know will be embarrassing to people and letting only the closest people learn about them. the memory of his moonstruck cd break under youngbin’s touch came into mind—the only thing that mattered to him at that time. your eyes were always gleaming with a sense of excitement when he put on moonstruck songs for you. he thought that it was because you were excited to hear new music, but he now realizes that it is because he makes you listen to his and your favourite artist.

when he read pearl’s message on the forum chat, he can’t help but think about the predicament himself alongside the experiences he had endured. yet, he had the time to speak to pearl just like how pearl speaks to him, a sense of companionship growing, knowing that people are thankful for pearl for moderating and sharing the latest pieces of information about moonstruck, but also for being there for the people no matter how empty the forum sometimes is like you only speak with the void.

he had saved you twice.

heeseung wraps his arms around you and gives you a tight hug, both of your backpacks fall down his shoulders as you feel even calmer than before. an enormous weight just also dropped from your shoulders as he puts the context of the times when he chats with pearl now with the face of you there. moving your head gently, he wiped the corner of the doe-like eyes looking at him as he let out a small pout.

“thank you. for creating space station. for connecting me more with moonstruck. for being there for me and giving me advice.”

“ditto,” you replied with a pout on your lips as well. yet your eyes still have cracks in them. cracks coming from the memories and experiences you have had and shared with him verbally or together, all culminating to today that he will always be thankful to go after you.

you had been his anchor for the semester. you had shown him that the life he is living is problematic in many ways. the friends he hangs out with regard him as the lowest in their group—not treated as a friend should be. but with you, he had felt more feelings he didn’t know existed for all his young life. and when he sensed your lips, he could sense your contemplation: all the turmoil you experiencing.

heeseung stumbled back when he felt the mattress hit behind his knees, making him sit down as you straddled his lap. his hands holding on to yours as you pulled away from the feverish kiss. your brows folded as you stared at his agape lips, the way his bangs framed him perfectly so that you could see his little freckle on his forehead. but he can see how you shook your head slightly. your hands move as you grab his wrist, pulling his hand so that it curves around your neck—reaching for his fingers to close it. his eyes flicker to look at his hand and your face, watching it tense as you put pressure on his fingers against the column.

“i want you... to fuck my pain away, heeseung.” your eyes shifted from his outstretched arm to his face.

“you’re going to get hurt more-“

“i trust you.” you slowly lower your hand and let him control the pressure yourself. “i give you my consent. i just, i don’t want to feel anything other than you.”

you lean in, resting your forehead against his as heeseung looks at your eyes closing. his hand still holding onto the curve of your neck. he can’t help but share the rage you felt. he knew he deserved it—the three-day suspension. but for the rest to only be given two weeks when their action culminated in bringing someone to the brink of death is unjustifiable. teenagers and their lack of consequences, and the adults who also don’t punish them hard enough. he could feel the contempt exuding from you and with the way you seem to let go of control, you truly trust him that you won’t get hurt under his care. no matter how hard he is going to be.

heeseung kisses your lips; they move around yours to create a sloppy mess as he holds your neck so you won’t move, earning a low moan from you as he pushes his tongue in between the gap. the muscles poke against your cheeks before battling with yours, his hand reaches for your uniform shirt as he unbuttons them one by one, exposing your bra to him as he gives one of your breasts pressure with his free hand. you groan against his mouth, making him pull away as you look at him with your hooded eyes and breathless face. he pulls your hands to his chest as they unbutton his shirt while he attacks your exposed collar, marking your skin with his touch and bite as he could feel your body trembling.

he hadn’t worn any t-shirt under the uniform today when you trace your fingertips against his muscles, teasing him like it is intentional as he groaned before he held you and positioned you off of his lap. your body is flailing like a doll as you let him move you into any position he wants: on your hands and knees. he kneels behind your bent-over body, lifting the uniform skirt as he is met with the sight of your underwear—a little wet patch already there.

“you’re that wet for me?” he says with a smirk on his face and you reply with a mumbled “yes” from your face against the pillow. he watches as you turned your head so you could catch what he is going to do. his cock hardens underneath his pants as he wipes his thumb against the wet patch, feeling your folds separating because of it. you take a sharp breath when he pulls your underwear down your thigh and pulls it off your legs and you let out a moan when you felt his wet tongue giving the slit a lick.

“hee-“ you shifted your body so you could watch him as the vibration of his hums added more to the sensation. continuing to moan, you let them out as loud as possible. nobody lives near you and nobody seems to live here other than you.

“ack!” your body moves forward with the force of his slap against your butt cheek, feeling your lower region shaking as your grip against your pillow tightens, making you see your bone knuckles against your skin. drool comes out of your lips and pools on the pillows as you hear a zipper opening when you tilt your head once again.

“more-“

“you want more?” heeseung gives another spank as you reply with a moan but also nods. when you felt the familiar hard blunt tip against your entrance, you had already braced yourself. but you didn’t expect him to push nearly half of his shaft into your wet cavern. your walls deliciously adapt to his cock with such muscle memory.

“i’m giving you more.” his hand reaches for yours and brings them behind. his hip starts to thrust at a steady pace as your muffled moan vibrates in the room alongside the magical sound of moonstruck from the corner of your room. playing the songs in a shuffle that also represents the various emotions that are hard to define as it is ever-changing. heeseung bent forward and traced his lips down your spine covered by the uniform, his own threatening to fall down his shoulder as he continued to push the skirt upwards above your bottom.

when he reaches around for your neck, you let him pull you up as your back arch with your head resting on his shoulder. his face rested beside your ear as you both in sync.

“fuck, angel. you feel so good squeezing me.”

“s-so full- ah!” you continue to move your hips in tandem with his thrust, feeling his tip kissing your cervix as he traces his lips across your exposed collarbone to your bra strap. heeseung trails his hand downwards—pressing against the area above your mound—he could sense the faint movement of him inside you.

“cum for me, angel,” he seductively whispers as you clawed against his skin when he hugs your shaking body. the gush falls down and seeps out from between your connected areas as you whine when you feel him pulled out. that is when he turned your body so that you lay down under him, letting him kiss your lips once again with as hard of a force as when he fucks you.

you moaned against his lips when he slips inside you once again, your hand brushing the shirt away as you trace his stitches scar on the collarbone before he distracts you when he flips the cup of your bra upwards as he leans down to give your nipple a suck. another hand of yours curl up in his hair, curling your legs too with how great it is as you feel like you are floating from the sensation you felt. you glance downwards to watch heeseung marking you across your chest while still moving at a pace that allows him to chase your orgasm once again. but you knew it is his turn to cum.

lifting his head up, you stare him in the eye as you let your trance mind jumble up the words that could entice him more.

“use me. fuck, baby. please.” coherent mumbles come out of you with a price as he lifts your legs and pushes them against your chest. your eyes are rolling backwards as you let him drop his moan against yours, chasing down the high that he wants to experience once again with you. sweat trailing down your skin as you can feel him buckle. eyes pleading with him to give you his all.

“i’m cumming,” he mentioned as he let out beautiful moans alongside the warm liquid bursting and spreading inside you. both of you breathe hard, taking in each other’s pace as you look outside the window to only notice that the light outside is from the exterior lamps you turned on while in the kitchen and the moon shining brightly into your room. moonstruck’s music continues as your computer plays one of her singles.

your arms reach for him as heeseung lies down against your body. your orgasm coming in late, but you still felt yourself clamping down on him. not wanting to let go. your mind has finally felt much clearer from the worries of the world that you could mostly ignore.

the bed covering and duvet continue to flood in both of your sweat as you pull off the rest of his and your uniforms. he helps you straddle him and places his cock to plunge inside you when you push down. round after round were done with no words of command spoken. only a look from each other’s eyes after a five-minute break was enough for him to lay you down and fuck you into oblivion. the songs are never ending as you continue to be enraptured by each other in different positions and location on the bed. and when you looked at the clock, ticking its hands as the time went, you could understand that it had been hours you’d spent in this whole thing when you arrived here.

your head rests on his pectorals, kissing the collarbone stitch on his shoulder, as you both stare at the plain ceiling where the moonlight meets the warm orange light from the bedside lamp. heeseung’s arm wraps around the middle, soothing you with his palm on your back as you both shared chuckles at what happened hours before. how it goes from one end of the spectrum to the other in a plunge and how you both reciprocate it. yet, there are still some nagging questions after he had uncovered many things about you, from the obvious to the minute details.

“so, you’re the one that created space station?” his soft voice calls for you as he hears you hum.

“i see it as a good opportunity to connect with like-minded people; the internet. and so, i learned how to be a webmaster and create this where i can talk about moonstruck. it used to be more of a personal website but because there are many frequent guests, i decided to make it more of a forum for discussion.” your soft sigh caught his attention as he looked to see you already looking at him.

“it helps me cope with my loneliness from moving around. like i have a purpose to do in life, but even that is not enough when everything becomes too overwhelming and i... you know...” you tilted your head, making him think of the catalyst that brought him to your house and realize who you also are.

“the map of korea with the pins and the boxes...” heeseung builds up his sentence, “are you moving again?”

“ah...” you chuckle as your eyes shift to the faint map on the other side of the room. “i don’t know. depends on how much trouble my parents are with their spending, evading, and gaslighting. they don’t put away their stuff out of the box thinking that the people who chase them will come after them again and we have to move. but honestly, i just want a place to stay for even one year. let me finish high school and i can step aside from troubling them with their lifestyle... like a burden.” your eyes blink, their puffy from the tears of pain before and pleasure recently, but he can see the slight shimmer in your eyes coming back once again.

“the map is the places that i want to visit in the country. just stepping aside from seoul and its surrounding areas to visit the southern coast. i mostly want to visit yeosu. it is a small city unlike busan but it's on an island but smaller than jeju island. i also haven’t visited jeju. people said it is so much different compared to seoul.”

heeseung continues to rub your bare back as he takes in your thoughts, yet his mind pins the mention of the place that changed everything for him.

“i have been to jeju. the trip that i mentioned to you with that whole thing that changed eunho.”

your head rose as you held your hands against the mattress and his chest, looking at him as the boy had to close his eyes. remembering the events that transpired at that time.

“the tour guide there said to me a person died three times. first, the body dies, and then the heart, and lastly, the soul.” he brought one hand of his to cup your cheek. “eunho’s body died when we were bullied in middle school when he dared to defy the bullies and gotten punch so hard he had a concussion. his heart died when he discovered his parents were divorcing on that very trip. and his soul died that day, getting ripped away by the riptide on the coast of jeju island.”

heeseung looked aside before flicking his eyes back to you, “well...” he gulped, “he is the one that introduced me to moonstruck. when i was doing his errands. i think it’s also a reason i stick by him other than being his friend way back then.”

a bell rings in your mind with the new information, your cheek leaning closer to him as you now understand why he sticks so long with eunho. he was the anchor of heeseung’s life: revolving his life to accommodate eunho and how without the boy, heeseung would’ve not found out about moonstruck. the words he has spoken tell more of a story of gratitude wrapped in melancholy. a story of friendship tainted by the harshness of life, but instead of cowering in loneliness like you do, he held himself up to hang out with the “wrong crowd” instead.

“i think i’m stepping into that cycle of death myself. my body died when he controlled me to give him money and beat me up if i refused to do so. and... my heart nearly died when i thought i would never see you again.” his thumb brushed underneath your eye and he saw the tears clouding his sight.

“i am so, so sorry for making you go to the back of the school. i-“

“you were coerced, heeseung. it’s an all-or-nothing situation for you. and i just feel like that’s the best option you have in comparison to other options. i’m sorry as well for not stepping away from you when you had mentioned to do so. i, well, knowing just how similar our interests are does not make me want to let you go.”

“and that is very normal, (y/n).” he replies back to you. “i just hated that he and the others, including the girls, are only given two weeks knowing how many victims they have in this very school.” heeseung pushed his head back into the pillow and letting out an exhale.

“he won’t stop. people like him won’t stop. their reasoning for their bullying is too superficial that it changes over time. jealousy mostly. but it will still happen even after school.” you added to his mind palace, letting your head rest against his chest once again.

“let him go so you can move on.”

the words seep into heeseung’s mind as they echo. turning his head, he gives you a short lovely kiss with a small smile growing on his face.

“i have to.”

-

《moonstruck concert!!!》 《this saturday in seoul》 《from: 1004

《hey everyone!》 《i’ll be going to the concert tomorrow》 《if you ever see someone holding a green apple》 《it’s going to be me》 《let’s link up!》 《from: silver

the screeching noise of the rails vibrates along with the shake of the cart. you are wearing an all-white outfit from top to bottom. both of your knees were covered with knee pads as you looked down to examine the cigarette burns fading and blending in with the rest of the skin of your forearms. trailing your sight following the hand lands on fingers wrapping beside yours, heeseung’s head tilting back as he watches the lights of the train car light up with every movement towards the venue of the sports stadium. both of your tickets were in one side of his pockets as he had the other one inside the other where he stores his needed stuff.

both of you blend in the crowd as you walk out of the train and arrive at the station. as you climb the stairs up towards the roads, you both step aside from the bigger crowd to join the smaller crowd that is leading the path towards the venue. on the way there, you observe people in various shapes and sizes with their outfits approaching the enormous stadium that you can see across from where you are. you don’t let go of heeseung’s hand as you turn to the side, booths upon booths of food and beverages stand along with a merchandise booth beside the large jumbotron showing moonstruck’s promotional videos for angels, stopping both him and you on your tracks. but you also follow him to look towards the queue to get into the stadium—both of you holding the tickets for the best spots in the stadium.

“let’s divide and conquer. what merch do you want?” he stands close so he can whisper to you, the hand with both of your tickets still beside yours as you grab them tight.

“a small one that we can share. postcards maybe?”

“hmm... i’ll surprise you, angel.” he kisses your temple before pushing aside, “stand in the line for us.”

you smile back as he moves to cut the line of crowds towards the merchandise booth, seeing him blending in with his unbuttoned black shirt and white t-shirt combo. turning around, you head towards the line to stand by the stadium premises. the sky is approaching the evening as you gaze at half of the sun nearly covered by the large stadium. you take every step forward, looking around at the people that come here. in your imagination, you might have seen only a bunch of young people—teenagers to college age—who come to moonstruck’s concert. but you don’t expect many working-age adults and even those approaching middle age also be here. a smile emerges from your lips; moonstruck’s music transcends age and generations.

from your hearing, you caught a few mentions of your community of space station. how a few of the people hug as they seem to get to know each other from there. the sound of shrieking excitement sounded from a bunch of girls who wear outfits uniformed to the moon colours of the three albums of moonstruck. yet, your eyes are searching for two things: green apple of silver and heeseung.

having been the most active person when you are also online, silver is someone very knowledgeable about moonstruck. your opinions agree with each other and they also follow through with your celeste aura theory—making it spread to the online moonstruck fandom that you can feel your heart flutter from hearing some people mentioning it, especially the older ones. because of that connection, you really want to meet up with them and share your love of moonstruck with them. silver seems to be close to bambi especially when giving him the opinion so that heeseung could open up to you, so you hope those two could close online as well as offline.

your head turns to peer at the start of the queue, searching for heeseung as you stand as close to the edge of the lines as possible so that he can step inside and stand beside you. instead, you heard commotion coming from behind the cue.

“hey, brother. line the fuck up.”

“young boys and their little capacity for awareness.”

shifting back, you find the person who is making this ruckus, but when you look down to meet the green apple in his hand and the face of the owner, you can feel how your heart plummets down into the depths of earth.

“(y/n)!”

“eunho...”

you wanted to puke out the meal you and heeseung had before coming here as your eyes still looked at the green apple, not wanting it to be true until you could read the name “silver” on it written with a black marker. his arm drapes behind you. the sight of the green apple on your shoulder taunts you as you feel him holding you close.

“are you here alone?”

“no, i’m with-“

“ah,” he gasps inauthentically, “oh yeah, with heeseung, where is he anyway? that is so bad of him to leave you alone like that.”

your body reacted to move away from him and go back to heeseung’s embrace. but you looked down to see the hand that was holding your tickets was replaced with the green apple. the person before you had her ticket checked and cut through with a paper puncher and skips happily after she passes, resulting in both of you now standing together. eunho holds three tickets: one of his from the seating section and two of yours from your standing section near the stage. his nimble fingers quickly move to tuck the seating ticket away as the security punches the hole for the rest of the tickets and pushes you forward, stopping you from moving away as you remember the terms and conditions.

tickets with the punched holes aren’t able to enter the premises again.

your eyes watch in horror as you feel your nails pierce into the apple’s skin as you turn your body around, tip-toeing to search for heeseung’s familiar face in the crowd.

“heeseung!” you called out to him as you saw someone raising an arm up.

“(y/n)!” the voice calls you back as you find him in the line you were just in. you want to run to him, but eunho’s hand is too fast as he brings you back and slams you against his front. his arm wrapped around you as he pulls out the last ticket in his grasp, showing heeseung how it looks intact with no holes. his tight push against your chest and upper arms can’t make you raise them as the sound of the paper ripping makes you hiss and your eyes tremble with rageful tears. the ripped paper falls onto your chest as you collect it and push him away with all your might.

“FUCK YOU!” you run towards the security as heeseung is approaching close to the barricade. tears threatening to fall down your face as you approach one of the guards by the place.

“please let me out!” you plead as you find heeseung’s figure, his smile has fallen.

“you know you can’t step back inside-“

“i know. please, it’s an emergency,” you replied with a lie as the guard looked back at you before moving aside to let you walk away from the premises. you run towards heeseung as he looks at you with a panic in his face before his eyebrows furrowed.

“what is happening?” you cut him as you grab his arm and pull him away from the line, as far from the crowd approaching to enter the stadium, before you hug him tight.

“i’m so, so sorry.” he hears your mumbled voice as you cry into his chest. you felt the paper bag of the merchandise behind you as you pulled your head away for you to talk.

“what’s wrong, angel?”

you show him the green apple, nearly mushed from your grip as the writing on it is still readable, “it’s him.”

“silver, you met them?”

“yeah,” you take a deep breath, “it’s eunho.”

heeseung’s furrowed brows deepen, looking into your eyes to determine if you are actually telling the truth or not. but when he sees just how heartbroken you are inside, he knows it is true.

“he, he got our tickets and pushed me inside with them.” you pushed the crushed bits of paper in your other fist as you opened the palm and showed it. “this one is his. he tore it up so that you couldn’t get in.” you finished speaking as another gush of tears comes out of you, looking at his expression as you brace yourself to cower when you see the familiar spark of flame in his eyes lights up again.

instead, you felt him enveloped his hands around you. the sound of the screaming from inside is thrown away as the sky continues to darken. the mix of many emotions enveloped both of you as you felt him whisper in your ears.

“we’re going to be okay. we can sit down here and look at the jumbotron. everything will be fine.”

you hummed, every turmoil inside you move to his assuring words; mending both of your heart that is shattered into smithereens. when you hear the bass vibrating, you shift to the side as you stare at the stadium with the purple sky in the background. both of you stare at the concert venue full of “what should be”s as he brings you to sit aside on the warm pavement.

wiping your tears away, you look down at the paper bag heeseung bought from the merchandise booth as he pulls out the postcard set, but also a pair of small hoop earrings with crescent moons motive for you both to share with your pierced ears. your eyes gleamed as observed them before giving him a hug. you both listen along to the songs played even with the distance, recognisable to your ears as both of you compete to whisper the title as fast as possible. the light of the jumbotron competes with the one from inside the stadium, the city of seoul, and the beautiful nighttime sky. you see many visitors who are also eavesdropping on the concert, some buying the merch as you discussed if you have enough money to buy the remaining t-shirts.

hours pass as you both lay down on the pavement, listening to moonstruck like you always do on the rooftop, by the fields, and in each other’s bedroom as you see the little white dots in the sky. that is when you see the jumbotron changed, showing a new video you have never watched for the amount of cycle that has happened.

pushing your body upright, you walked to the front of the jumbotron screen that is much more massive than you: live footage from inside the venue.

moonstruck, her figure with her identifiable flowing long hair now as short until it reaches her shoulders. a guitar hanging by the strap across her body, strummed by her hands as you also noticed how the video behind her shows the beautiful supernova—hearing the song with the title playing.

your eyes looking between the girl and the picturesque video of the moon, remembering the moment when you wrapped so close to heeseung when you listened to this song for the first time. eyebrows furrowed as you felt the nerves around your eyes reacting. the shine of the screen reflects on you as even with the minimal colour, the prominent neon captures and swallows you into the colour that it reaches you deep. you take many sharp breaths, pushing yourself down as you don’t want to cry again.

the song continues as you look at the moon behind moonstruck. pink colour from the angels cover art captures your attention as you let out a pout, peeking from the corner of your eyes at the figure of the familiar boy who has his head turned to you. the ringing of her voice lingers as instruments disappear one by one. the screen shows the entire moon video, the pink and now purple shining right before you as you look down to see the text.

wanna fly towards the moon?

your fingers curl as you turn your palms to meet his; his own already moving instinctively and locking them with yours, agreeing to do what is written if it is with you.

the crowd from the concerts steps out into crowds of different sizes. there, left astray, walks eunho as he steps out by himself, his eyes glaring around to find a familiar face he has seen before the concert or the familiar face of the boy who had been by his side for the past 5 years. he found the former.

you still hold on to his green apple, feeling the brushes of shoulders walking past you as you continue to look at the dispersing crowd. your free hand is in a fist as you are met with the smile that haunts you and also heeseung. eunho takes his time, whisking around and about like nobody is watching him as he meets his eyes with you.

but then he heard a scream of a boy, a recognizable voice.

“there’s moonstruck.”

one.

“moonstruck is here.”

two.

the people that were walking past you turned around as eunho did and your eyes continued to stick to him. then, the gush of wind came as people behind you walked past forward and back towards the stadium. screams of moonstruck being sighted echo to the night as you felt eunho’s eyes back on you, lifting the hand that was holding his green apple as you take a bite of it before you are being covered by the rushing crowd. all coming near to where eunho stands.

his eyes continue to look towards the back, wanting to find the appearance of the musician who helped him through the trials of life as he felt himself going back into the crowd. hands pushing each other to move forward to return to the stadium. but one push felt so painful that he had to glance down: a trail of blood coming out beneath his t-shirt. his vision is full of rage that slowly dissipates as he looks behind to find the eyes of the person who had been with him: heeseung. eunho expected his friend could help him, but as his vision darkens, the sight of the boy escapes as he pushes past the crowd and goes towards the city.

heeseung emerges from the crowd as you let out a tremendous relief, hearing the loud cheers turn to panic.

“stand up! someone fell.” one of them travels to your ears as you watch heeseung jog back to you, wiping the bloodied pocket knife you let him borrow across his black shirt before flipping it back and putting it in his jean pocket where his tickets were supposed to be.

your footsteps quicken as you both walk away as far from the crowd as possible, hearing the scream of medics calling to the crowd as you both walk away. handing out the bitten apple, he takes a bite of it himself before he reaches for your hand and wraps them in his on the way back to your town.

to go back to a place where everything will be much more than normal as you both close this cycle of madness: beginning your lives again.

-

《the death of the boy at moonstruck’s seoul concert is haunting》 《from asphyxiation by the crowd crush to a stab to his back》 《someone was out for him》 《from: d1sc0rd

《that day changes the whole of space station and the rest of moonstruck’s fandom outside of it》 《was moonstruck actually there?》 《from: toro82

《she is...》 《i don’t know》 《seems like it》 《i was there too》 《also》 《it’s weird that pearl is not here》 《i hope they’re okay with the talk of the dead boy》 《from: 1004

《it’s creepy knowing that someone's last song to hear is moonstruck’s》 《from: walker0

《let’s hope pearl is okay》 《maybe they’re taking a rest because of this incident》 《we all should》 《from: cosmiccomet

-

the appearance of the flower vase on the seat beside you makes you harden as you listen to miss kang’s last remark before summer vacation starts.

your eyes look towards the corner of the room as you also see empty tables that belonged to your bullies, now vacant as the two girls are frazzled with the recorded evidence that landed them on hot waters alongside the boys with their punishments and the death of eunho. turning around, you checked out heeseung who has let the hair by his nape get long. his bangs framing his forehead as he looks at you with a smirk on his face.

drastic changes happen to heeseung after he closes the cycle with you, his words ringing into your head as you remember laying down beside him and watching the moon by the stadium.

“he won’t hurt more people again.”

and when he did the deed and waited at the station that would bring you home, he gave you a very hard kiss that took your breath away before giving the pocket knife back to you.

you walk past the entrance of the school building for the last time this semester as you peer down the road to find heeseung waiting for you by the gate.

“ready to get your bag?” he playfully asks as you nudge him with your shoulder.

“of course i do. the train ticket is right there and we won’t be able to go if i didn’t grab them.”

his giggle fluttering across from the two of you as you walked, remembering the plan of getting your bag from your house before going to heeseung’s to pick up his bag and greet heechan one last time—you know many things will change for the month his older brother will be away.

heeseung’s arm wrapped around your shoulders as you both walk down the road together, bringing you close to him as you feel his kiss linger on your temple before he whispers in your pierced ear, the crescent moon earring mirrored with his own.

“we see how we will settle there at yeosu. create connections and all.” you blinked your eyes as you shifted your head to look at him.

“one more year and we will live there...” his words echo the promise you both make.

“one more year and we will leave this place behind...” you continue the promise as you grab his hand and give the back of it a kiss, continuing to walk to your destination.

one more year and you will be with each other in your next lives.

taglist: @raeyunshm @leilasmom @evidive @boba-beom @kwiwin @heesw1fe @aloverga @endzii23 @fluffyywoo @camipendragon @hiqhkey @wccycc @cha0thicpisces @y4wnjunz @yeehawnana @beansworldsstuff @kimipxl @blurryriki @amazzwon @sunpov @ineedsomezzz @reallysmolrenjun @stealanity @deobitifull @mheretoreadff @gandaengene @amaraeofsunshine @nyxtwixx @heekirei

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[asgoodeasgold]

I just love this recent pic of Matthew.

✅️ Bespectacled

✅️ Silver fox 🩶🦊

✅️ Trademark goode smirk

✅️ Beautiful direct green gaze 💚

Perfection!

📷 Matthew Goode at the special screening of Freud's Last Session hosted by Sony Pictures Classics & The Cinema Society, New York City, 12 December 2023. My edit from photograph by John Nacion

[matricejacobine]

I know you're joking about "rationalist fundamentalism" as the antidote to post-rationalism but do you think it would have prevented cultish offshoots like the Zizians from appearing?

Collectively, probably?

Individually... you know how I have basically all the Zizian risk factors (trans woman, vegan, math student v into decision theory stuff, lefty politics, anti-authoritarian personality, slight schizophrenic tendencies)? To the point that is**cs*pph*r* was insinuating inferring I was pro-Zizian for making my post about Silver? (And, tbf, there are still quite a few people with Zizian sympathies here, if only for personal reasons, and I kinda did wrote the post in a way to not pick a fight with anyone, the second paragraph in particular.)

I... really hoped that my general hostility to mystical/postrat bullshit in rationalist spaces could have insulated me. But, well, then the news about Silver came out and... Silver is really someone I considered my moral better. Again, I owe him a lot in term of gender identity discovery (which is of course in itself a reason for the news to hit hard, and I am generally someone prone to loyalty to people I owe a lot).

If they could just rope in Silver like that... I... do not know how I could have done otherwise had I been in the Bay in 2019-2021. And that terrifies me, knowing how easily and quickly one could be brainwashed, and btw if it wasn't clear that was what I was vagueblogging about with that Burning Country quote.

[sofiatarot]

hi my initials is cs and my questions are:

will I get a job this year that will help put me on my path to becoming famous or at least the successful person I was meant to be?☺️🙂

when/where would I meet my future spouse?😆😁

Q1: Yes, but it won’t come easily. The chariot suggests that you have the drive and determination to push forward, but the 7 of pentacles warns that this journey requires patience. Success won’t be overnight—it’s going to take consistent effort, and there may be moments of doubt along the way.

The 8 of cups suggests that in order to get on the right path, you might have to walk away from something—whether that’s a current job, a mindset, or even people who aren’t supporting your vision. The 10 of swords (reversed) indicates that you’re overcoming setbacks and moving toward a fresh start, but you’ll need to be strategic (4 of pentacles) and avoid distractions (7 of cups).

The potential for success is there, but it depends on how focused and disciplined you are. The path isn’t clear-cut, but if you keep moving forward with intention, opportunities will open up.

Q2: Judgment suggests that meeting your future spouse will come at a moment of personal awakening—perhaps after a major life shift, career breakthrough, or self-discovery phase. The knight of wands and ace of swords indicate a fast-moving, exciting encounter, possibly through work, travel, or a competitive environment.

However, the 5 of pentacles suggests that this person may enter your life when you least expect it—perhaps during a period of difficulty or transition. The 3 of cups hints at a social setting, so it’s possible you’ll meet them through friends, a celebration, or a shared community.

-xoxo💗

[goatnpc]

💗 || Hi, I'm Cess, a proud scholar! In this blog, I'm excited to share my journey through Math 3 Second Quarter that's filled with challenges, discoveries, and personal growth. From problems and hurdles to breakthroughs and learnings, I'll be reflecting on the experiences that have shaped my understanding and appreciation for Math. Join me as I go over my learning experiences! :))

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚

MATH 3 JOURNEY

>>2nd quarter

a. How would I describe my Math 3 second quarter learning journey?

Personally, the second quarter of Math 3 was a nightmare.😵 Why? because its level of difficulty began to increase. Plus, there were a ton of distractions throughout the second quarter, particularly the numerous vacation days and days off from school. Because of the suspensions and vacations, I find it to be a significant barrier to my academic progress; all subjects' lectures had to be rushed, with a ton of workloads that left us with little time to complete. This was really exhausting and difficult because, in my opinion, hurried lessons are equivalent to lessons that students would easily forget.

b. Which topic did I find most enjoyable? What made it enjoyable for me?

Since they were simple and I had already studied them, 😎 the subjects that I liked the most were those covered during class suspensions. To be honest, I only like lessons that I can understand, and I find it even more enjoyable when my classmates are the ones who are confused, which I know is odd. But it's simply because I can help them if they don't understand, and I like to help my classmates understand subjects that they don't fully grasp.

c. What concepts did I find easy to learn?

Piecewise functions were the easiest concept for me to understand because they were similar to what we had already learned in CS 2. It reminded me of the if conditions in C++, which gave me flashblacks of the struggles I had with my codes.

d. What concepts did I find most interesting/inspiring? Why do I think so?

Signum functions struck me as the most intriguing concept since it made me think of the word 'sigma', which many Gen Zs and Alphas find oddly funny.

e. What concepts have I mastered most? Why do I think so?

Probably inverse functions because it is the topic that was kind of fun for me. It was fun for me because all I had to do was switch the x and y. (but of course, the basics are also very important here)

f. What concepts have I mastered the least?

The concept I mastered the least was definitely transformations. It was difficult for me to visualize what was happening to the graph. I found it also difficult to analyze equations and relate it to graphs. This confusion had me wondering who on Earth even came up with the idea that numbers and letters can represent lines and stuff.

g. Notes I have for:

i. my teacher;

Sir Joseph is a really caring teacher. He genuinely cares for his students—not just about their grades but also their health. I remember the time when I was frequently sick, which made me unable to attend classes. This caused me to fall behind and struggle to catch up when I finally returned to school.

When I went to the faculty room to accomplish my admission slip and have Sir Joseph sign it, he talked to me about health and fitness. Until now, I still remember that conversation, and I’m currently trying to apply what he taught me. I run during weekends whenever I have the time, which has really helped me stay alert throughout the day. Running allows me to forget my stressors and focus on the track ahead of me. After my runs, I feel accomplished and complete. It has significantly improved both my physical and mental health.

Plus, I get to spend quality time with my friends. I really enjoy running with them while we listen to our playlists and talk about what’s happening in our everyday lives.

Second, he is a great and funny teacher. I find his lessons enjoyable and engaging because he inserts jokes randomly into his discussions. This not only makes the lessons more relatable but also helps form a bond between the teacher and students, improving the students' focus and involvement during discussions.

ii. my classmates;

Regarding my classmates, they are really smart and helpful. Whenever I'm unsure about my answers, I ask them for clarification, and they are always willing to help me. In this section, we genuinely put effort into helping each other, especially through board work and demonstrating how to solve problems. This collaboration also helps us prepare for long tests.

iii. myself

One wish I have for myself is to stop getting sick because it really hinders my learning. Taking medications often makes me feel drowsy and sleepy during classes, which prevents me from fully grasping the lessons. I feel bad when it’s evident that I’m struggling to stay awake in my teachers' classes.

💗 || That marks the end of this blog. Thank you for joining me as I reflect on these wonderful experiences. Math 3 Second Quarter was definitely challenging, but in these struggles, I found growth and inspiration to do better and keep on improving.

[laurelnose]

I agree that the lore and character development in House of Light are top tier, but imo the cooking system is like pulling teeth, salons are so nice but between planning out what food to cook to match aspects, ordering and collecting ingredients, and juggling two spicing sources and three ranges, I mostly can't be bothered. Like the lessons earned are nice? I guess? But by the time you get set up enough to host half your skills are up to 9 already so I just do em for the funny magic ppl stories

I 100% agree that salons are worth it just for lore and characters. the rest of it ... I don’t wanna say “skill issue,” but ... multiple level 9 skills?? I was hosting before I had a level 6, and I was dragging my feet about it. I could have started once I’d unlocked spices and the pantry, if I’d been willing to divert funds from unlocking the rest of the house. You might be making this harder on yourself than you need to. Some misconceptions we’ve been correcting on the WF subreddit:

You don’t need to match each guest’s aspects separately. One course of Roast Pheasant will fulfill aspect matching for five Sky, Rose, Forge, Heart, or Scale guests. You can then fill in with cheaper courses. Stuffed marrows for everyone.

For Lunch/Supper you also don’t need one of each course per guest, just one of each course total.

Guests only need one cup of a drink. Don’t add full bottles of anything.

I haven’t had any trouble with the ranges ... AFAIK there aren’t limits on what ingredients you can cook in each range, so I only need to switch around if I’m out of the right elements of soul. I'm not exactly cooking in bulk every season. I agree it’s convoluted but I don’t think it’s more convoluted than the regular crafting system — it basically trades the Skill / Workstation juggling for ingredient juggling. Ingredient storage is a logistical puzzle of its own, sure, but not as annoying as the workstation principles (especially the workstation principles pre-Evolve Via memories).

As for lessons, I could not for the life of me get an Ericapaean speaker to the house so I could read Coseley’s two fucking numina, but I scored the language by inviting Arthur and Corso to a salon together, neither of whom provide Ericapaean the regular way. So I found salons to be quite mechanically profitable.

Then again, both CS and BoH have mechanics that are not required for victory and aren’t particularly optimized/efficient/ideal, existing mostly to round out the world, trap newbies, and offer more paths for discovery and trickles of lore. I don’t mind too much. Obnoxiously complex British cooking / hosting minigame in exchange for lore tidbits is so on-brand it hurts.

[dailydeathinparadise]

Beyond Paradise 2023 Christmas Special

FOLLOWING THE HUGE SUCCESS OF THE FIRST SERIES OF BEYOND PARADISE, WHICH BECAME THE UK’S MOST SUCCESSFUL NEW DRAMA LAUNCH OF 2023 SO FAR, AUDIENCES WILL BE GIFTED A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL THIS DECEMBER ON BBC ONE AND BBC IPLAYER.

Kris Marshall (DI Humphrey Goodman), Sally Bretton (Martha Lloyd), Zahra Ahmadi (DS Esther Williams), Dylan Llewellyn (PC Kelby Hartford), Barbara Flynn (Anne Lloyd) and Felicity Montagu (Margo Martins) all return to Shipton Abbott alongside an exciting guest cast.

Starring in this festive episode are actors James Fleet (The Vicar of Dibley), Isaac Vincent-Norgate (Sanditon), Amalia Vitale (Endeavour), Kulvinder Ghir (Still Open All Hours), Sheila Reid (Benidorm) and Bellowhead. Chris Jenks also returns to play Josh Woods, with Jade Harrison as CS Charlie Woods and Eva Feiler as Lucy.

As the residents of Shipton Abbott gear up for Christmas, Humphrey and the team are baffled by a series of bizarre burglaries which aren’t quite what they seem. However, when the team make a breakthrough with an unexpected connection, it’s a bittersweet discovery that makes them reconsider the true meaning of Christmas. Back at the station, Kelby is forced to babysit a cheeky young shoplifter and Humphrey feels the pressure when CS Charlie Woods continues to question why their beloved local police station should remain open. Meanwhile, navigating the trials and tribulations of family life, Esther’s teenage daughter, Zoe (Melina Sinadinou), is less than impressed when she is made to work in Santa’s Grotto. And a chance encounter gives Martha food for thought about the future...

[mie779]

Hello!

I am your secret 🎅🏻 this year! I want to write a Captain Swan story for you and possibly do a pic set. Please answer these questions and more in the next couple of weeks so I can make your story something you will enjoy.

1. Who are some of your favorite/least favorite side characters?

2. Do you prefer canon divergent, canon compliant or AU? If AU, do you prefer modern or set in a different time period?

3. What is your favorite trope?

As soon as I get your answers, I will begin planning and plotting!

Hello

So happy to hear from you... now let me answer your questions

Favorite side characters: Ruby, Graham (I do often ship those two together when canon of my story permits it :P ), Henry, Granny, MM and David. Least favorite: August, Belle to some extent (I sometimes use her in AU setting when needing a bookworm ;) but in OUAT canon, not so much) I could add a few of the bad guys but there are none of them I really dislike, (aside from them being evil and all.... but that can work in a story too ;) )

For some reason my preference has shifted from canon to AU. When I first started to read CS fics I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that Emma and Killian could be in our modern world with NO magic etc... but that have changed.... so while I do enjoy canon/canon divergent stories I much prefer the AU, and that is both modern setting and historical.

Friends to lovers, fake dating, grumpy/sunshine, single parent, misunderstandings leading to new discoveries/love. (<--- don't know if that is a trope :D LOL )

Hope that answers your questions?? Looking forward hearing from you again. (FYI: don't feel as if you need to cram all of this into one story, I'm going to enjoy it no matter what.