#deaddadsclub

[sineadshinelight]

Excuse the big reaction…sometimes loss is life changing and it’s exhausting Strong and being resilient sometimes looks like a crumpled mess on the floor Normality has been changed for ever, it may take a while to adjust Repost from @untanglegrief • This 💯 @peopleiveloved is so right! “I’m just trying to get through each day at the moment. Sometimes all I can do is lie on the couch and cry.” - Untangle member Do you ever feel like this? Drop a ❤️ #growingaroundgrief #grief #griefsupport #lifeafterloss #griefandloss #griefandlosssupport #compassionatefriends #angelmom #widow #widowlife #widowsofinstagram #goodmourning #goodgrief #deaddadsclub #deadmumsclub #grieve #grieving #loss #wishingyouwerehere #griefawareness #griefart #copingskills #growth #deathanddying https://www.instagram.com/p/Cl80_EcsQVR/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[measuringlife]

I don’t need a Hallmark holiday to remind me that I miss my Dad. I’m hyper aware that it’s been almost 13 years since I last hugged him or talked to him. . Over the last few years I appreciate the social acknowledgment that Mothers Day or Fathers Day can be hard for people for all the reasons listed above, reasons not listed, and combinations of them. . While we have no plans to have children, as an adult in my late 30s I have many friends struggling with fertility. I also have more friends and peers joining the dead parents club. It all sucks. . If today isn’t all rainbows and butterflies for you either, I see you. I hope you do something for yourself today. I’m snuggling with the dog watching 90 Day Fiancé! . #deaddadsclub #parentloss #fatherlessdaughters #grief #fathersday https://www.instagram.com/p/CBs_AqaBn1U/?igshid=d5lus4zvpmzp

[cettefemmenoire]

I miss my dad.

[boycekelly]

Here’s the thing, today is a shitty day for me, but that’s only because I was lucky enough to have a pretty great dad. Now, if you have a dad that doesn’t suck, please tell them something nice, give them a thumbs up, I don’t care, just appreciate them. And know that you’re very lucky to have them. Because honestly, there is nothing I wouldn’t give than be forced to sit down and listen to the entire @markknopfler_official library with my dad. #fathersday #deaddadsclub

[artbypeleegirl]

This one is for my #Dad. If he was still with us he would have wanted to be orchid hunting at this time of year .@thestromboshow @strombo @houseofstrombo . . . . #sketchbooksunday #sundayinthestudio #natureart #wildlifeart #gouachepainting #orchids #deaddadsclub https://www.instagram.com/p/Byy3I5HA5cA/?igshid=1wovase5hllxa

[glitterandgrief]

Life is tough,⠀ But so are you.⠀ ⠀ ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨⠀ I typed “tough” into #Canva and it came up with a series of these badass cats. Like this little guy has seen some shit. ⠀ ⠀ I’ve seen this quote before out here on the IG community... life is tough... but so are you.⠀ ⠀ Just a reminder that even if you aren’t feeling tough right now, you really are. I think the other quote of “I don’t know how you do it” ... “well I wasn’t given a choice” also applies hand in hand here.⠀ ⠀ I don’t think any of us asked life to deal us these hands, but this is what we got. We’re dealing with our emotions, struggles, courage, and strength because life is tough.⠀ ⠀ But so are you. 💪🏻⠀ ⠀ What does that look like for you?⠀ ✨Getting out of bed starting a new day (even if you don’t want to)⠀ ✨trying to keep some consistency in an upside down world⠀ ✨Using the pain as your drive for something else ⠀ ✨I’m not really sure, but that inner strength is all individual ⠀ ⠀ @GlitterAndGrief ⠀ ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨⠀ ⠀ #grief #griefsupport #griefjourney #griefandloss #griefquotes #griefawareness #strongerthanyouthink #strongertogether #mentalhealthmatters #shareyourstory #faithoverfear #lifeisajourney #griefclub #deaddadsclub #sepsisawareness #sepsis #missyoudad #blogger #griefsucks #griefblogger #griefblog #mentalhealthblogger (at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport) https://www.instagram.com/p/BvCSfrdnjKg/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=nnscpp17p0j3

[dead--dads--club]

Happy Father’s Day to the father that doesn’t deserve it. Happy Father’s Day to the father that picked alcohol over me. Happy Father’s Day to the father who was drunk 24/7 and who couldn’t care less about his kids. Happy Father’s Day to the father who would hit me and scream at me every day after coming home from school. Thank you so much for leaving me with these wonderful memories to keep me awake at night. But most of all, thank you for dying.

[rebelleecharly]

• Today, after years of waiting, I finally received my father’s ashes. • I did not know what to expect. But seeing this small wooden box means more to me than I could have imagined. • Grief is complex. Process is ugly. But this is good. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • #healing #deaddadsclub #jimmy #jimmypens #theduck #bigday #longtimecoming #grateful #processing #hope #loss #grief #carryon https://www.instagram.com/p/BtUQCp3hoGq/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=yfzot2kucxdv

[nambyhamby]

I have two very distinctly different chapters in my life. One where he was alive, and the second after he died. #fathersday #deaddadsclub #lategreat #daddysgirl #tbt

[baker2d]

Happy Father's Day dad. You're still dead. So I'll buy myself something today. You weren't always the perfect dad. But you were a solid one most of the time and probably my best friend. Thanks for showing me music that I hated but secretly loved. And thanks for feeding my horror movie love with late night viewings of anything you thought would scare me. Most of all. Thanks for showing me how to be a good dude and how to look after people. You're a prick. #fathersday #deaddadsclub #baker2d #nobeard #proud

[measuringlife]

This was my comment on a friends Facebook post about losing her Dad one month ago today. She wrote she doesn’t think it will get easier. 
.
Unfortunately I know this pain too well having lost my Dad unexpectedly 12 years ago this November. I find some comfort in helping to usher friends through this grief as best I can. I wish I had more peers who could relate back when I was first dealing with it. Losing a parent is something you can’t fully grasp until you do. 
.
Growing stronger after a loss isn’t much different than growing stronger with exercise. The external variables haven’t changed, but you will over time.
.
#grief #modernloss #deaddadsclub #fatherlessdaughters #resilience 
https://www.instagram.com/p/B219sDgBQj1/?igshid=e1ysnoxjy8w3

[myletterstostrangers]

Fathers Day In The Dead Dad Club

Let’s talk about the Dead Dads club. It’s a thing. You don’t know it’s a thing until it’s your thing, and then you’re very aware that you’re in it.

When you’re in the Dead Dads club, you naturally have some anxiety around Fathers Day. There are so many great dads around you being rightfully honored and showered with praise and love. But members of the Dead Dads club are excruciatingly aware that their father isn’t around to have dinner with anymore. Dad’s not going to laugh and shake his head when you give him a dumb Snoopy card with a lovely message, and he doesn’t need your help to weed the garden anymore. Because he’s dead. Everyone in the Dead Dads club shares this same reality and mourns for their father in their own personal way. 

Now let’s talk about the Dead Dad club for someone who’s father was not a great guy. 

I had a complicated relationship with my Dad. When he died two years ago it all became very final. At the time of his death, our relationship felt broken, and nothing blows your chance at redemption like death. I’ll never make more moments with him, or be able to try to mend our painful relationship, because he’s gone. The finality of his death meant we’d never be fixed. It’s a hard thought that I struggle with, and most days I just try to not think about it. 

My dad was sick and depressed my entire life. He was depressed because he was sick, and got sicker because he didn’t take care of himself, because he was depressed. From what I’ve gathered from other members of Dead Dads club, this is not an uncommon phenomenon. He didn’t participate in a lot of family life, but didn’t go on disability to help us out either. He didn’t do much of anything but watch TV and lash out when challenged. He wasn’t violent, except on a few occasions when he was, and those dark moments were hushed up, justified, and ignored. He was waiting to die. It’s incredibly harsh, but unmistakably, achingly, unfairly true. 

When I was a kid, I didn’t know. I felt sorry for my father for being so sick. I felt sorry that he couldn’t work, or make friends, or participate in our family. I felt sorry that his illness made him sit alone in the den watching TV 24/7, sleeping on and off all day. I thought that was normal because I didn’t know anything else.

As I got older and came to see other people in worse health be more involved parents, I started to resent him for not being able to rise above his struggles. It was a hard moment when I realized it wasn’t his diabetes or heart condition or hearing loss that stopped him from being involved in our lives - it was him. I resented him for not fighting harder to be a better father to my brother and I, and for not trying to be a better partner to my mother. Eventually, that resentment turned to anger when it seemed like he just didn’t care about us enough to try. 

After his death, all of my angry feelings were mixed with sorrow of his passing, the trauma of his last few months and days, and the guilt that I didn’t do more. Replaying in my head the trips I didn’t take, the phone calls I missed, how he’ll never meet my future husband or his grandchildren (but would he care to be in their lives anyways?) It’s a lot of feelings that I try to turn off - ‘Don’t go there’ is the family motto. But covering something up doesn’t make it go away, it only makes it more scary to eventually lift back the covers and deal with. When Father’s Day rolls around, it’s impossible not to go there. So, today on Father’s Day, we go there.

One truth that I have learned in my adult life is that you don’t get anywhere without being grateful. It’s not just the bullshit of self help books and woke millennialism - it’s true. Being grateful makes you happy - not the other way around. Fathers Day and Mothers Day are about honoring the people who made you. This day has made me face my biggest elephant in my darkest room - I have never really felt grateful for this person who made me.

That’s messed up.

I can’t walk around carrying the sadness of a failed relationship with my father for the rest of my life. If I can’t have empathy and compassion for my own father, the person who made me, then no amount of self care and great friendships are going to make me happy. I’ve trudged through life so far with a big bundle of emotions in the middle of my heart room that I pretend isn’t there - I cover it up with smiles and comedy and boyfriends and food. But, it’s there. Girl, it’s always there! It’s Dad! I know that feeling empathy, compassion, and gratitude instead of negativity towards my bundle will make it less oppressing. I’ve heard the phrase - if you want to change your mind, think different thoughts. It sounds so easy, but it’s actually very hard. It’s actually wicked fucking hard.

But, I’m getting too old for this. All this sadness and drama is too much weight to carry around all the time. And most importantly, to only feel the weight of the bad feelings is not fair to him. It’s wrong to ignore all the good things that he brought into my life, and for the gifts that he did give me to go unrecognized. He’s not here anymore, so I must consciously and intentionally make space in my head and my heart to feel gratitude, empathy, and compassion for someone I’ve largely felt negative emotions towards. Because ultimately, I get to choose how I live my life, and I want to live with love and gratitude so that I can be happy. So today, I will focus on all the things for which I’m truly grateful for my father.

I’m grateful for when he’d take me and my brother every weekend to McDonalds to play the Monopoly game and we’d eat french fries in the car. We’d sit in the parking lot with the windows rolled down and towels in our lap to wipe the grease on. It was warm, cozy, and safe. 

I’m grateful for him showing me how to drive (terribly) with my knees. 

I’m grateful for him teaching me about rocks and crystals and leaving me with some of his rock collection, which is very cool and very heavy.

I’m thankful for the way he encouraged me to be into the sciences, and taught me all about the stars and outer space.

I’m grateful for all the times we lit fireworks - I love a good explosion because of him. 

I’m grateful for every meal he perfectly grilled for my family. 

I’m grateful for the silly swear words that he would use in replace of real swears, like nincompoop and ralph.

I’m grateful for the hours we spent in the car together listening to Motown, which gave me a rich taste in music. 

I’m grateful for him taping Dragon Ball Z for me every afternoon for two years when I went to Catholic school and got home too late to watch it live. I am not grateful for him sending me to Catholic school. But that’s ok. 

I’m grateful for all the mornings he made pancakes.

I’m grateful for him taking me to the ice cream shop for strawberry ice cream sundaes. 

I’m grateful for how he’d come to every youth soccer game I ever played, and how he'd stand by himself almost incognito in his old worn cap, aviator sunglasses, and an oversized blue hoodie. 

I’m grateful for the excruciatingly annoying way he’d eat so fucking slow.  

I’m grateful all the dumb baby animal calendars he’d get me every year for Christmas.

I’m grateful for when he said I love you.

I’m grateful for the ways he showed he cared.

I empathize with the depression he felt as a result from his illness. I didn’t realize until recently that he was deeply depressed and never sought or accepted help. I don’t think it was in his capacity to admit he had a problem, and I can empathize with that too. This same illness killed his mother right after he was diagnosed with it - I’m sure that was terrifying, and I don’t think that she took care of herself or her illness either. Giving up and sinking into the depression was easier. 

Sometimes, I too feel a creeping sadness from the center of my being that makes me feel useless, stupid, and sick - a paralyzing dull weight that aches in my bones and whispers “retreat to the couch and watch reruns all day! Forget this life, it’s too hard!”. In a way, my father taught me what not to do. He is an example of why not to let that feeling linger, and why it’s so important to get up off the couch and live your best life even when you feel overwhelmed with fear and sadness. He showed me why it’s so important to get up, reach out, and get help. Because you can get stuck there. You can die there. Maybe this will be the most important thing he’ll ever teach me.

I have compassion for his struggle. Yes, he couldn’t slay his own monsters. Yes, they got bigger and badder than his will to try for his family. And that’s ok. Not everyone has a hero’s journey. I still love him. 

 In Dead Dads club, we can still mold our relationship with the memories of out fathers. We can grow to honor them. And I will try to do that for now on.

Daddy, thank you for doing what you could. I know you did your best. I know you loved us. The good things were not unnoticed. I really wish I could sit down and share another excruciatingly slow meal at a terrible restaurant with you. I love you, Dad, and I honor you. Happy Father’s Day.  

[artbypeleegirl]

I’ve got a tray full of gouache and a rough sketch and lots of memories of my #dad we’ll see where things go from here .@thestromboshow @strombo @houseofstrombo . . . . . #sketchbooksunday #sundayinthestudio #natureart #wildlifeart #artezagouache #fathersday #deaddadsclub https://www.instagram.com/p/ByyxmnVAD2b/?igshid=w9nta59198sd

[dead--dads--club]

It’s weird… When you get to know someone they usually ask you what your parents do for a living. Especially when you’re only 16. They don’t expect you to say that your dad is dead. But that’s my answer and it will be my answer for the rest of my life.

[chantelle]

In 1975 toddlers played with cigarettes. This is a picture my dad took. I like to look at it to imagine what he saw. #deaddadsclub ##apocalypsethememoir #2041 #hockleyvalley #hippiestyle (at Orangeville, Ontario) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bok2ehqlmD9/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=16p6qyzje7sd6

[bak3dbrohemian]

I tried to make this post this morning but couldn’t do it. I took this specific trip this specific weekend so I wouldn’t lay in the bath and cry all weekend, & I’m glad I did. Being with 2 of my favorite people at the beach helped me keep my head focused on the happy memories. I cleansed my crystals, found some shells, and did more journaling than I have in a month. Dad, I miss you everyday. I know you’re in a better place now and I know this is all part of the circle of life. But it doesn’t make me miss you any less. I wish we had more time. Thank you for continuing to provide to me what’s important even when we’re not on the same plane anymore. I love you and I’ll always be daddy’s little girl. ✨ #ripdaddy💔 #fatherlessfathersday #deaddadsclub