#definitely made me already feel. way less parasocial by the time everything happened so i ended up having a different lens than i think a

[strandedcrow]

crow the fact that the only time you've posted about dream in the past months was in response to the Kissed a Variety of Men tweet is iconic so I am so glad you're still here (it just made me very happy when I saw that lol)

AKFKSKGK pls it was just rlly profound.. had a rlly thought provoking effect on me.. he knows what he’s abt FR !!

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

Just a small thing that you can definitely ignore if you want and I know this might be bad to say or even selfish but I just.. miss the old Schlatt? not the one who's now doing this content and making hurtful jokes just for money. because every day I'm losing more and more hope that off camera, he's a genuine person?

Or I just want him to improve and become better? I don't know, I know I might be selfish for being like that and I do recognise that parasocial relationships do exist and he is merely a stranger to me but I just want him to become better and to be better. curse me and my heart where I just want the best for everyone, even if I don't know them. c': I think I miss the old Schlatt - because I feel like even this persona he has is not doing him any good?

This might be a thought but you know when you look at someone and you can just see or feel that their mindset is affecting them - especially when it's affecting them negatively? I noticed that with him. Again, I know I'm a mere stranger and I don't know anything about him but even with strangers you can notice this? When he was on a break from that sort of content while he was moving, on the update "I'm Back" video he had a better energy? But when he started to embrace that persona again, his energy is just becoming worse and worse. the only times his energy was better again was when he had the moments with Jambo?

I don't know. I'm just going on a ramble at this point but I just wish he became better?

This is the exact reason I still watch the guy! I completely get where you're coming from, and it can be hard to have these sorts of conversations without speculating about what goes on 'behind the scenes' (something we know Schlatt is uncomfortable with and is possibly one of the reasons he puts on such a contrary persona).

I agree that his content has taken a downturn lately. But I don't think it's the fault of the persona, I think it's the fault of him misusing the persona. Of course he can do whatever he wants, I don't really care cause if he decides he wants to keep being a bastard then that's his problem and I'll stop watching cause that content isn't for me. However, I have some ideas about why the more recent videos have been 'worse':

His heart isn't in it. Jackbox games are fun and all but they aren't the kind of content Schlatt likes to make. In my opinion. His old channel had videoessays, but he's said before that they don't make enough money for him to keep doing that. I think he likes the little slice of life videos more because they're easy and because they're fun. I think the Wii videos were great, well-structured and good examples of well-done satire, but I feel he got a bit bored of it so he tried jackbox, which just isn't the same.

The satire doesn't work with jackbox videos. In the Wii videos it's just him and the game and some props. He plays his character and clearly makes fun of the kind of person he's portraying, or he just makes fun of himself, which is cool too lol. For example in the Wii fishing video, he plays the character of a misogynistic guy who loves fishing and hates his wife. Then proceeds to be terrible at the game and get angry to the point of making himself look like a fool. That's why we laugh! We laugh at the dumbass he's portraying. And obviously this is the same for most of the bits he does. The classic one being the gay Catholic patriot. The unexpected clash of traits makes it funny. With the jackbox vids you don't really get that. It's him and some friends. And yeah, they make fun of themselves and each other, but it has the unwanted side effect of being easy to turn into something that starts to make fun of other people, such as minorities or victims of tragedy, which isn't okay.

Mans is just trying to get a rise out of people. We all know this. The last video was purposefully offensive to try to scare the dream stans away. Which was dumb, and he shouldn't have done it, but I get why he did it. With everything that's happened recently, I'm sure Schlatt doesn't want to be associated with that sort of fanbase. Unfortunately, he went the wrong way about scaring them off.

Moving, the entire thing with lunch club and cmc, getting a cat, and Connor moving in, all while making near-weekly videos, two podcasts, and being on streams. That's a lot to think about, which is probably another reason for the lazier content and falling back on 'easy' jokes that often turn out offensive.

What I'm saying is that I feel he's in a rut. He hit a dead end, tried to fix things, then fell off and made a shitty video as an attempt for controversy. If I'm right, then I feel that he's gonna take a bit of a break (he's already taken a pretty long break if you look at how long it's been since the last video on his main channel) and come back when he's actually ready to do some better content.

The video was bad, and I get why people don't feel comfortable watching him anymore. I've made my peace with it and I'm hoping for some better content soon. But not too soon!

Lots of his friends have spoken about the whole thing, and the general consensus is that yeah, it was bad. I think Connor talked about him and Schlatt seeing a kid watching The Video and Schlatt having this 'oh shit' moment? I might be wrong, if anyone has a link to the clip or stream where Connor talks about this lmk. But regardless, I think mans is taking a break and sorting himself out. There are also rumours he might stream soon but idk idk.

I feel that off-camera he's a completely different person. Minx said she sees it that way, Ty also said he's very respectful and chill off-camera. So I don't think he's a bad person (I don't think he's racist or anti-Semetic, he fucked up but I highly doubt he believes that shit irl and I think claiming that he does is just performative and kinda weird. I understand microagressions are also very bad and can be used by racists/be racist but on their own they do not make you a racist especially if it's poor taste jokes that went too far etc).

You're right though, he definitely wanted to make money. That didn't really work out for him though (if you look at the stats on The Video, it performed terribly) so I doubt it's a mistake he would make again.

For now, if you want to see better content that (I think) reflects Schlatt in a better light (aka he's still doing a bit but he's much more chill and less of a bastard about it) I recommend the chuckle sandwich podcast and sleep deprived podcast. He's on OTK streams a lot too but that sorta thing isn't really for me.

Also stan connoreatspants bringing us Jambo content all the time. 🙌

Idk if that was helpful, but it's more a gesture of solidarity since I agree with and feel everything you're saying. Of course, this is all speculation, please don't spread this as fact because I don't know Schlatt any better than you do. He's just a comfort CC and guy I think is kinda neat when he's not doing dumb shit.

Sorry for the long post. Also, you can disregard the shit I said about racism if you want cause I'm not qualified to talk about it really. There are good points for calling someone a racist for jokes like the ones in the video, but I feel like the rest of the factors should be looked at too since this is a complicated situation. Again, just my opinion, please no hate. If you have a complaint DM me or send an ask. I'm open to hearing other povs.

Have a nice day !

[transsexualhamlet]

sherlock holmes reactions part six (aka me losing my mind over the final problem)

Hi, I am once again reminding you all that I've formed a parasocial relationship with the crackhead detective 👍 This made me overly emotional for the fact that he didnt even die

But like

hhhmmmmmmmm those were certainly an interesting 14 pages

Yeah, I already made a post about how the final problem relates to yuumori's final problem and how incredibly sexy it is but yes now I'd just like to relay to you how absolutely heart brocken i am over this lol I will eventually get to reading the post hiatus stories i just. I haven't emotionally recovered from this yet

Yelling below the cut somehow this reaction feels longer than the story itself. but it's about half cracking jokes and half sobbing so be prepared

I mean, starting off strong with "well yknow since i got married my and sherlock's Very Intimate Relations had to be modified and all but we hadnt seen each other in a while so it was kind of jarring to see him crawling in my second story bedroom window clutching Wounds and closing the shutters absolutely fucking wasted losing his mind over some dude named moriarty"

We've been over this but. Oh my god why are they gay

I just like????? Imagine how fucking bizzare that would be to just see your old homie crawl into your window bleeding on your floor and asking to exit the other way in case he's followed like "hey bro can we Talk i hope you're not busy" WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO, SAY HE IS? Imagine watson just like "no dude I'm fucking busy go get killed"

But legitimately. That's certainly something. And like, I see a lot of books starting like this lmao but. Holmes's stuff usually starts off kind of easily with watson going "yeah so lately ive been Experiencing Sherlock Holmes" and spend 20 minutes on exposition with them having a Conversation but no. mans just fucking escaped a hitman and went directly to his boyfriend's house having apparently Never Before In His Goddamn Life mentioned his actual nemesis to this guy. How the FUCK has watson never heard of him before.

And how sherlock starts talking about it isn't any less funny he's just like "UHHH SO THERE'S THIS GUY. THIS ABSOLUTE MAN. AND HES REALLY IMPRESSIVE I MEAN HES LIKE SUPER FUCKING SMART AND HES LIKE DOING CRIMES????? SO I LIKE. I NOTICED AS I DO BUT HE NOTICED THAT I NOTICED AND I MIGHT HAVE MADE A LITTLE FUCKY WUCKY DUDE CAN YOU HELP ME LIKE. FLEE THE COUNTRY" and watson's like my dear sherlock What The Fuck

Im also loving how he calls moriarty a "mathematical celebrity" awhi;grih;oaewhhta;ioh;iaewh;ii;oewh;eh;rg mans just. ok lol hes a Math Celebrity that had to quit his math teacher job because EVERYONE JUST KNEW HE WAS A CRIME LORD LIKE THEY TOOK ONE LOOK AT HIM AND WENT MANS DEFINITELY HAS BODIES IN HIS BASEMENT I DONT WANT HIM TEACHING HERE

But yeah, it was interesting to see what the big deal about og moriarty was... especially since the deal simply did not deliver. There was not really a big deal. It's like reading the first chapter of a book and immediately skipping to the climax. Everything is so hyped up and clearly having been building for years and you just get like NO CONTEXT. I swear Moriarty wasn't goddamn mentioned any time before this. He's just suddenly the big guy and watson has just never fucking heard shit about this guy.

What's so funny about this whole situation is that I just. Cannot objectively know anything about Moriarty at all because sherlock just... does not go into what this dude's alleged crimes even were, other than. The fact that he like. Does them. He's just really involved in crimes. How? Why? For how long? In what way? For what purpose? NO FUCKING CLUE HE JUST. HE JUST DOES. And there's nothing to really suggest that Moriarty was honestly a really evil guy. They're all like trust me he was just. he was just really bad but show absolutely No examples of being such. The most evil thing we saw Moriarty do personally was call sherlock stupid for letting him get into the apartment. And even then he immediately followed it up with complimenting him lol

yeah, my impression of Moriarty was like. I expected him to be worse, honestly. I expected him to be like a cartoon villain because he was kind of made out to be one and then he's just honestly a really polite and refined guy?? Mans strolls the fuck into 221B like hi shawty and it is Not like yuumori obviously man's holding a gun but like. What the fuck they are just. They have never met before but They Clearly Have and it's. its so weird

Like honestly I don't dislike og moriarty. He's really what william tried to be (and fucking failed, but beside the point) but like. Dude's so powerful and for what. He just walks into the apartment with No Pretense like why sherlock holmes is that a revolver or are you just happy to see me oh my goodness you are a dolt why would you hold the gun that way. disgusting. disgraceful. dreadful. Oh my god. I love him I'm sorry

abngnahhghifeah;iewh and Why does sherlock describe him like that hes like "MANS A REALLY REFINED LIZARD /pos" HIEHIFEHW:HGIHOEWFEEW FOR WHAT. FOR W H A T

baaaaaaaaghhhhhh but likeeeee they went STRAIGHT to "you know what I'm here for" "you know how I'm going to respond" "well then" "yeah" "mhm" "damn well it really do be like that sometimes" "ur really smart by the way" "im fucking aware let's kill each other as we both Thought in our Minds" "yes lets" AHDHDHDHDFS WTF THIS IS INSANE

But damn uh. mutual destruction my beloved this is very different from sherliam but im not. im not. opposed to it tucks hair behind ear

I just. Holy shit they really went "if you destroy me I will ensure that we both go down hand in unlovable hand" "I wouldn't mind that"

Annnnd I just noticed that the actual lines for this part kind of. that kind of happened in chapter 31 when sherlock was like i would Gladly die to take down the lord of crime and william was like. hahahah yeahNO NO NO NO

BUT SERIOUSLY THO IM LOSING MY MIND OVER HOW SHERLOCK SAYS THIS WHOLE THING TO WATSON AND HES LIKE DAMN SHAWTY HES LIKE THE REASON FOR HALF THE CRIME IN THIS CITY BUT HES SO NICE THO??? LIKE I EXPECTED HIM TO BE TOUGH AND EVERTHING NO HES JUST SOME POLITE PROPER UNDERSTANDABLE MAN WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE VERY DIABOLICAL shawty is having a Crisis

And then watson is like wowww that was cool you wanna spend the night and sherlock is like "UNFORTUNATELY BESTIE I AM BEING FUCKING TRACKED DOWN ID LIKE YOU TO NOT DIE WITH ME"

This bit gave me a Moment Moment because oh my god. Then watson is like "no shut up i'm coming with you i don't care" and i just had to Take A Minute because THEY SWITCHED PLACES AAH SHERLOCK IS TRYING TO KEEP WATSON SAFE NOW AND WATSON IS NOW MORE RECKLESS BC OF HIM AND. AHHHH

Completely random but. How sherlock still refers to 221B as "our rooms" to watson even though watson hasn't lived their in years........ shawty i am emotional.........

SO THEY GODDAMN FLEE THE COUNTRY TOGETHER BC WATSON SAYS THEY HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER AND SHERLOCK HAS A MOMENT WHERE HE'S LIKE YEAH NEVERMIND PLEASE GO HOME WATSON AND WATSON IS JUST LIKE. NO. AND HSERLOCK IS LIKE. DAMN OK I HAVE NEVER HEARD YOU SAY THAT BEFORE

But. Ok as funny as this is. They have this fucking Conversation on the train to switzerland where sherlock is like "I have not lived in vain" and watson is like "YOURE NOT DYING" and hes like "i have not lived in vain. like i said. this will not be a bad way to die" UHHHHHH DAMN SHAWTY

hhhhhh and it just Gets. it. it. it Gets. These fuckers get to switzerland and they stay in a hotel and then leave for reichenbach but watson gets this goddamn letter telling him that hes needed at the hotel to basically save this lady's life. And he doesn't. Like. he doesn't even want to go he's like FUCK IT SHE CAN DIE IM NOT LEAVING YOU but sherlock convinces him to go fULLY KNOWING THE LETTER WAS FUCKING FAKED BY MORIARTY JUST AS A PLOY TO GET HIM ALONE

AND THEN HE JUST. WENT ANYWAY AND WATSON HAD TO WATCH HIM JUST LIKE GODDAMN WALK OFF INTO THE SUNSET LIKE "LITTLE DID I KNOW THIS WOULD BE THE LAST TIME I WOULD SEE HIM BUT IT JUST. IT HAD THAT VIBE YKNOW"

God I just. Wow sherlock really did that huh. He really went and did that. And I went over it in the post about this compared to yuumori but it just RUINED me how watson just. Never saw what happened and there's just so little information about it that all they have is these assumptions and pieces that just suggest that these guys met up, walked up to the goddamn waterfall having a nice civil conversation about how talented and smart they both were at this and how they revealed their methods to each other and complimented them because of course they did

And they just sat up there talking to each other so long and Moriarty legit waited politely or even possibly was the one that suggested he write a letter to watson in which sherlock just went "damn lol moriarty's pretty nice actually anyway uhhhh sorry watson ily ✌" and just like. left it up there in his damn cigarette box

But just like. damn the insinuation that moriarty just sat there and watched while he wrote that entire goddamn letter, sealed it up, and then got up and went alright buddy let's go but it makes no goddamn sense if they wanted to actually kill each other and assure they themselves would survive I could name like 23 different ways they could have managed it so easily and they Didn't. they were really set on mutual destruction huh. There's no way they were even trying to do anything but Die Together at that point and that's Something huh

It absolutely baffles me how they could say that these guys had plummetted like, holding each other tho. Like. ok lol but How Do You Even Know

It was certainly a ride. But the fact that Watson had to actively try to think like Sherlock to figure out what happened in the scene was just. The cherry on top. Especially after they'd consciously started to switch roles in this i just. Damn.

In conclusion uhhhhhhhh gay people real I suppose

[parasocialpod]

Our Favorite Villains - Transcript

Follow along with the episode here if you’d like to!

Alex: If you haven't heard about Anchor, it's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. It's free, there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or  computer, and Anchor will distribute your podcast for you, so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many more.

You can even make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership. It's everything that you need to make a podcast in one place. So download the free Anchor app, or go to anchor.fm to get started.

Alex: Hi,  I'm Alex

Nick: And I'm Nick.

Alex: And this is Ice Cream Parasocial, a podcast that covers as many different topics as there are flavors of ice cream. Today, we'll be talking about our favorite villains in media.

Nick: I want to start out by apologizing. If I sound like shit, I have a little bit of a cold.

Alex: Yeah, just a little bit.

Nick: We've been putting off recording for a couple of days, because I didn't want to record with a sick voice, but it has not gone away. So.

Alex: Yeah, this is about as good as it's been in a minute.

Nick: I'm sorry. We all have to deal with it. Uh

Alex: Yeah, this was after me putting enough Vick's Vaporub on you to like, drive every animal in the house to like, go away.

Yeah.

Nick: Yeah, if you don't follow me on Twitter, I posted some pictures of the dogs hiding their noses.

Alex: Yeah. They, uh, that was a lie, actually. They didn't leave. They just, um, buried their  whole faces in the blankets. Cause they were just like, "I'm not going to get up. But I'm sure not happy about what's happening right now."

Nick: Yeah. Winston is a rough Collie and he's got his nose-- from the very top of his head all the way to the tip of his nose is 12 inches long, and he buried his nose all the way up to his little eyeballs under a blanket to get away from the Vick's smell, but like, didn't leave the bed that I was laying on.

So, well, he's not he's, you know, he's just really pretty. He's not very smart.

Alex: Yeah. He's just really loyal. He didn't want to leave your side during this trying time.

He's very loyal to a fault.

He'll do whatever it takes.

Nick: I'm pretty sure he's laying down just on the other side of this door to make sure that we're not dying.

Alex: Yeah, he's a good boy. He does his best every day. Oh goodness.

Nick: Uh, but yeah, uh, speaking of social media: on Instagram, by the time this episode is up, there will also be a picture on Instagram and Twitter for the official podcast. That is the best piece of art I have ever made in my life.

Alex: Oh yeah. It's a real delight.

Nick: And it has everything to do with this podcast. It's promotional for this episode and I love it. Please go check it out. I don't care if you follow us on--

Alex: This is a call to action to look at this picture only.

Nick: Yes. And, uh, if you're listening to us on a platform that you don't usually listen to us on because we're not on a whole lot, hopefully soon we'll be on everything.

But as of right now, we're on Anchor, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Breaker, Radio Public, and YouTube. So hopefully we'll be on Apple Podcasts soon, and then we'll start begging you to go and review us there.

Yes.

They have like, weeks to months of a waiting list because so many people are starting podcasts.

Alex: Yeah. Like I know of at least like three or four people that are starting podcasts like right now.

Nick: Yeah. Well, and the information that I had seen was even older about it, you know, taking a long time to get set up on Apple Podcasts, because so many people are starting podcasts and I'm like, I think that information was pre-quarantine. So I can't imagine how long it will take for us to get there, but hopefully it'll be soon. So.

Alex: Like, I'm pretty sure that these microphones that we're recording on were considered like, essential by Amazon as well, because we got them in like 24 hours.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: So podcasting is a very accessible thing to do at the moment.

Nick: Absolutely.

Alex: Oh, goodness. Especially with Anchor--

Nick: Especially with Anchor!

Alex: It's the easiest way to make a podcast!

Nick: Which you already heard our ad for the beginning of this.

Legitimately, lots of love to Anchor. It's made it really easy to do this.

Yeah, no joke. Uh, I love you Anchor.

Alex: Thanks, Anchor.

Nick: I would probably kill for you, but please don't read that in a court of law.

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: Anyways. Uh, talking about villains.

Alex: So, speaking of villains.

Nick: [Laughs]

Speaking of villains, like me, who would kill.

Alex: [Laughs]

For anchor.fm.

Both: [Laughing]

Alex: Oh no. Are we going to be the first podcast to ever have an Anchor sponsorship revoked?

Nick: Eh, probably not the first.

Alex: Yeah. That's fair. Just one of them.

Nick: [Laughs]

Yeah. We'll be one of many, I'm sure.

Alex: One of many.

Nick: Um, so villains.

Alex: So villains.

Nick: [laughs] I think we have a lot of crossover in our favorite villains.

Alex: Probably.

Nick: Um, but I guess first let's talk about what makes a good villain.

Alex: Yes.

Nick: Because this is something that we talk about a lot. We'll pause a show in the middle and just be like, "I love them". Just like, "I love how well that scene was written" and like, "all of the meaning behind that".

Alex: Yeah. Oh my God.

Nick: I guess some previous context that may or may not be needed is about how we met and started dating.

Because we met at this, um, youth hangout for queer kids, and we had kind of, we-- we'd been like, kind of hanging out, but not really, um, because we were in the same groups together. And then we started talking about movies and cartoons, and realized that we had both wanted to go to college for film.

Alex: [Chuckles]

Nick: I think at that point I'd already dropped out, but you were still gung-ho to be going to school for film, and we were just like--

Alex: Oh yeah.

Nick: Oh, we're both going to school for film.

Alex: Oh yeah. Like you had dropped out of film school. I was not yet in film school, and I was on the precipice of dropping out of film school.

Both: [Laughing]

Alex: Truly a match made in heaven. I'm pretty sure the way that I picked you up was that I was like, "Oh yeah, I want your phone number, so that maybe we can work on a project sometime."

Nick: Oh yeah, that's right. It was doing this specifically like, oh you know, so we can like talk about movies and stuff.

Alex: So we can talk about movies.

Nick: Like, you know, maybe talk about getting into a project together. And now we've been married for almost two years, and we're finally starting a project, and it's not a movie.

Alex: Yeah.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: We've been in a relationship for five years.

Alex: Yeah.

Nick: Almost.

Alex: Oh, god.

Nick: Yeah, we're like less than a month away from, from that. I'm just like, yeah. That's basically it now.

Alex: Yeah, pretty much.

Nick: Time is an illusion.

Alex: Yeah, pretty much.

Nick: So we like to talk about movies. We like to talk about cartoons. We like to talk about media in general, and we are awful to watch movies and TV shows with, because we will pause, and just talk for a half hour, and then play again, and totally forget where we were.

Alex: Insufferable.

Nick: ADHD is fun.

Alex: Oh yeah, absolutely. Like yesterday I think-- or no, day before yesterday-- we've been watching Korra, and, um, we like paused it like 10 minutes before the end of an episode or something and then just didn't finish it until the following day, during which we watched like seven more minutes of that same episode, paused it and then almost didn't finish it until I was like, "Oh no! We never finished that episode!"

Nick: Yeah, because we were just so into talking about the characters and, um, the villains and the anti heroes and all of that stuff. And I think that that one we're having a lot of trouble watching, just because if you don't know, the legend of Korra is a spinoff series of Avatar: The Last Airbender, and it follows what happens after the characters from Avatar: The Last Airbender have grown up and died off and it's about the whole next generation. So we have a lot to say.

Alex: So much.

Nick: And I think that we also have a lot to say about what other people have to say about it. So we'll just get like five minutes in and like something will happen.

And I'm just like, Oh my God, did you see that article where somebody said, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then we'll just go for like 20 minutes. I was just like, Oh, what were we doing?

Alex: Just shit talking avatar clickbait.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: But what makes a good villain?

Nick: What makes a good villain? I feel like that's a really, really hard question to answer, because depending on the story, I feel different things make a good villain.

Alex: Right.

Nick: You know, I, something, another question that I put for like a-a conversation starter is does a good villain mean that they're are sympathetic villain? In some stories: yes. They need to be sympathetic for that to be brightening, any kind of, you know, without us just blowing them off.

Alex: Right.

Nick: But in other stories, I feel like if they were sympathetic, Then the protagonist would just kind of get blown off because it's like, Oh, well, I don't know. You know?

Alex: Yeah. Yeah, like I feel like it's almost relational to the protagonist in a certain kind of way where it's like, Oh, you know, I definitely have like my pieces of media where it's like the characters themselves aren't super deep.

Um, and like, I can absolutely admit that where it's just like, Oh yeah, like, I liked this villain because they look cool and they have a good time, but the protagonists in those pieces of media also tend to be a little bit flat.

Um, and I think that that's totally fine, but then like the villains that tend to be in the media that I like that is uh, more like complex. That's also how the protagonists are, is like, there's a lot of nuance to them.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Um, so I think you really have it like spot on there. It's just like what, what's the rest of the tone, like?

Nick: Right. You know? 'Cause one of the villains that I have on here is Count Olaf as one of my favorite villains-

Alex: Oooh, yes!

Nick: -Because he's not sympathetic. You want to throat punch him.

Alex: Oh, he sucks.

Nick: And just like move on with your life, you know, but he still has a-a symbolism and he's the main villain of that story. But by no means, is he the only villain in that story, you know, And he just reminds me of such a classic villain that is evil for one reason, and one reason only. And that is his own personal gain.

Alex: Yes.

Nick: You know?

Alex: Yes. And I kind of liked that you put them on there too, because I feel like with Count Olaf, he's definitely like a character with a lot of depth, but not out of like any sort of like a sympathetic or like deep backstory thing, but just because there's so much intrigue around him. And, uh, just that, it's just like, how does he do the shit that he does, you know?

Nick: Right. Well, and I think that he's a really, really great villain too, because of what he means to the story, you know? You've got these brilliant, genius children that are surrounded by idiot adults.

Alex: Oh yeah.

Nick: You know, and having the tragic backstory that I have, you know, I have definitely had it where, when I was a kid, I would try to talk to an adult about another adult doing something bad.

And while they might be able to be like "Oh yeah, like that is bad" after a while of talking.

Alex: Yeah.

Nick: When the person would go through and do it again, they'd be like "Oh no, they're, they're different." Or like "That's not them." And, you know, Count Olaf, shows it in a very goofy way with his different get-ups and like all of this stuff, but watching it, you know, definitely kind of triggered memories, but not in like a, not in the like bad triggered, you know, but it was kind of like, it definitely made me think of like how apt of a-a character that is, you know, for these kids.

I-I am by no means comparing myself to those children who are absolute geniuses, but it's definitely, I can imagine being a kid or being below 18-

Alex: yeah.

Nick: -And watching that and being like, yeah, it's so obvious, you know, and I definitely would love to see what parents watching that think about that. You know? I-I wonder how many conversations it started or how many thoughts it started about believing your kids, even when it doesn't seem super obvious to you that this person is bad or like that this person is finding different ways around things to hurt your kid.

Alex: Right.

Nick: But it's like put it in such a goofy way that's like really entertaining to watch. [laughs] And so I'm just like, that's, I just love Count Olaf as a villain because he starts so many conversations.

Alex: God, yeah. That is such a good point.

Nick: So I guess that's for me, that's what-that's kind of the thread between all of my favorite villains is that they start really good conversations.

Alex: Oh my gosh. I feel like that is such a good way of hitting the nail on the head with this kind of thing. I feel like sometimes a good villain is almost representational. Um, I feel like on the surface Count Olaf is, uh, sort of one of the goofiest, two dimensional villains that you can think of,

Nick: Right.

Alex: But he definitely is like one of the best villains that I can think of for that exact reason, especially for children who do grow up with a lot of like trauma and that kind of nature, and like grow up in like the system, how hard it is for kids in general to bring cases against like adults in their lives.

Um, yeah, God, that is such a good point. I really love that.

Nick: Right. And I really love that, like, until you start thinking of it that way, you probably don't think of him as being that great of a villain, you know, even putting him on here. He was one of the last ones that I added to my list and I quote,

"putting him next to the others it's hard to see him being on the same level and perhaps he's not, but I just, I just have to give love to a villain that is so classic,"

but, you know, actually talking it through beyond the couple of notes that I put down, I'm like, Yeah, no, he is a fucking fantastic villain,

Alex: Right? Like pretty S tier, you know, like not necessarily like a sympathetic villain or something or somebody that you would like want to hang out with, but like very classically, like-

Nick: Just Grade-A bad guy.

Alex: Just good, good, bad guy.

Nick: [laughs] Alright, you want to talk about one of yours?

Alex: Sure thing!

Nick: I feel like we talked about Olaf for three years.

Alex: Absolutely. Cause I would love to follow up on that one with sort of my analog for that: um, another person that I don't find super sympathetic. Uh, but I do find to be a pretty good villain, which is The Handler from The Umbrella Academy.

Which, um, I'm trying to figure out how much to talk about her.

I'm going to try and stay away from plot as much as possible.

Nick: Good luck.

Alex: Um, just for people that haven't watched season two yet.

Right.

But just like, I feel like she's also someone that is so representational of like literal systems.

Nick: Right!

Alex: Um, and also someone that has put so much of herself into the establishment and like so much faith into it that it's kind of like consumed her in this way that she kind of genuinely thinks that she's doing the thing that she's supposed to be doing, that's like better for everyone. Um, and season two it's a little bit, uh, kind of on the fence about that one, but especially in like season one and early season two, I love a good villain that mirrors people that you might meet.

Nick: Right, absolutely.

Alex: Like, Oh, we love a good bad boss [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, she definitely was just kind of in season one, a big stand in for just like the world's shittiest boss that, you know, will actually slit your throat if you don't get things done on time.

But I think that even still in season two, she holds some of that capitalism propaganda kind of thing of she loses her position and, and really loses her identity and is willing to do whatever it takes to not only get her position back, but go even further. And I feel like that's really, I hate to say apt again, but apt for how capitalism kind of makes us all be.

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: You have to work as hard as you can to get all the way up the ranks. And you know, you slip up once, maybe twice and you're demoted and everything goes downhill and you either find a way to deal with that or you don't. And. You, you know, you spiral. And I think that there's so much, especially in the United States where we are, there's this really intense correlation between your job and your identity?

Alex: Yes!

Nick: I feel like, especially since we got married, whenever I talk about you. Just cause you know, you come up more in conversations because people like to call you my other half. And like, that's one of the first things that comes up after I tell people your name is "what do they do?" And it's really hard to have hobbies outside of a job.

Alex: Exactly.

Nick: Especially, in the generation that we're in. If you do have a hobby outside of a job, you're trying to make it become your job.

Alex: Exactly.

Nick: And I feel like that's a lot kind of how she seemed to be, was just this, her identity was very, very intertwined with her job. And so it, to her, it must've felt like her identity got stripped away.

And then she was like, okay, well, I don't like that powerlessness. So I'm going to flip it around.

Alex: Exactly, exactly. And like, that's something that I think is so interesting with the whole commission and that I love so much that originally that was just kind of like a funny kind of gag about the show during- I'm gonna talk a little bit about season one since it's been out for a minute.

Nick: Yeah, it's been out for over a year.

Alex: And I just think it's so interesting seeing someone like Hazel compared to like the handler, um, when it comes to like when your job starts to turn against you. And just kind of, especially with the handler, what I thought was so interesting about her, especially like hearing you talk about it. Um, the flip in season two makes a lot of sense to me because of the way that capitalism is talked about is like this huge, like meritocracy and just sort of like, Oh, you're supposed to get what you work for.

And like, you know, this like thing happens to her and, uh, she expects to be welcomed back and she made this huge, like sacrifice for the commission and to just kind of deal with what she dealt with. Then it's like, of course, she's going to kind of, have a reaction to it. And it's really interesting seeing the ways that different people react to things like that, because I feel like that's a very much a moment where either it radicalizes you or you like latch on harder ever until the establishment.

And she kind of did both.

Nick: Yeah. Somehow she did both in all of the worst ways,

Alex: Literally.

Nick: And talking about things now, 'cause we hadn't really gotten into this conversation too, too much because we wanted to have this conversation on the podcast.

Alex: Yes.

Nick: And until this conversation, I didn't sympathize with her at all.

I was just like, yeah, I know she's 100% bad. Like, well, nobody is a hundred percent bad. She's like 99% bad. And so I really don't sympathize with her, but thinking of it and talking like this now, I'm like well, you know what, actually,

Alex: right.

Nick: You know, if I had a job and I had to leave for reasons and I came back and they were like, Oh yeah, you're demoted. I would be pissed. I would lose my ever loving mind!

Alex: Oh yeah.

Nick: I wouldn't go to the links that she does, but that's because in, uh, in our universe, jail exists

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: and I don't want to go there!

Alex: Would not like to go to real jail.

Nick: Would not like to go to real jail! [laughs]

Alex: Oh gosh. So that was definitely my, a big one for me was the handler. I have a lot of feelings about her.

Nick: Right? Since we're on the umbrella Academy, do you want to go to your other one?

Alex: Yes. We just finished up watching it. So that's why I have so many from them.

Nick: Yeah, a lot of these favorite villains, uh, I've mentioned in the previous episode that I have a bad memory and I'm probably going to mention it in every episode because I have a bad memory.

Uh, But a lot of these are shows that I just watched so they're my favorite villains right now. In two months, they'll be different. And probably two months ago they were totally different. Um, a lot of these shows are just shows that we recently watched. And if I was able to unlock all of my memory, they would probably be completely different, you know?

So. Don't come at me for my favorite villains. Don't be like, how could you not talk about XYZ villain? They're the best one that was ever made.

Alex: Right? Like, I'm just like, I've consumed so much media in my lifetime. I don't know.

Nick: I've consumed so much media in the last couple of months.

Alex: Yeah.

Nick: What else was I supposed to do?

Alex: Right?

Nick: I'm not going outside.

Alex: [laughs] Right. No. Yeah. I'm absolutely the same. Like so many of mine are things that I've watched recently. So grain of salt, but, um, one of my favorite recent villi-villians, uh, one of my favorite recent villians is Vanya Hargreeves. [laughs]

Oh my God. I live and die for Vanya Hargreeves.

Nick: That one, we really probably shouldn't get too much into what happens in season two, because if we talk about anything about season two, it'll be a spoiler.

Alex: I can and will cry.

Both: [laugh]

Alex: That's a promise and a threat. [laughs]

Nick: But, at this point, if you haven't seen season one, I just I'm so sorry at this point, like that's your bad.

It was one of, it's been in the top 10 on Netflix for forever. Season one came out over a year ago. I'm sorry. Go watch it before we ruin it. Just pause this, leave, come back. We'll be waiting. Okay. Are you back now? Let's talk about Vanya Hargreaves.

Alex: Let's talk about her. She's the best.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Oh my God. I love her so much because like I love a good heel turn so much.

Um, and I think they did it really well with her, um, because I love that they don't pull any fucking punches. Um, like the stuff that she does is pretty heinous, but also I love that they don't shy away from the fact that like, pretty much at every turn when things go wrong with her, the obvious option, and the thing that pretty much all of the siblings and everyone, like, even not the siblings agrees, is like the best intervention is like rehabilitation. Um, and like just fucking talking to her and being nice to her. And I love it when a show. Is willing to not just be like, Oh yeah, this person became a villain, but you're still supposed to like them.

So the most they're going to do is like kind of shove someone a little bit. Like, no, she like. I dunno, she like kills people like multiple people. And like, one of them is like a nice old man, like, you know,

Nick: a nice old monkey

Alex: a nice old monkey, like he's adorable and she just like- Oh, it's brutal. But like, At pretty much every turn, you still sympathize with her because of the way that they play out what she's going through.

I don't know if that's a thing that everyone sympathizes with, but I definitely do.

Nick: Yeah, absolutely. Like for me the first time that I watched it through, when it first came out, I didn't see any of it coming the second time I knew it was coming and I still was like, "Oh my God, that's right!" And even the third time when I finally like watched it with you, I knew! I just watched it like a week before.

Alex: Right.

Nick: And I was just like, Oh, my God. I forgot already.

Alex: That's cold.

Nick: But again, with my personal tragic backstory, I get it, man. If I had those powers, I get it. I would snap. You know again, please don't play this episode in a court of law.

Both: [laugh]

Alex: After I have snapped, please don't-

Nick: After I have snapped. Uh, can somebody please go through and scrub this episode from the internet? [laughs]

Um, but, you know, with having all of her memories erased from her childhood and having them all come rushing back at once and also then, you know, turning around and asking your family for forgiveness, for the bad things that you've done since realizing that, that you didn't have any of these memories as a kid.

And. You know, after having been manipulated and "dealing" with said manipulator, uh, and coming back to like beg for forgiveness and like talk. And having them lock you up because they're scared of you. I would have snapped. I would have snapped so much sooner, probably, you know,

Alex: Oh my God. I ooh that whole scene, I- just like ask Nick. I was dying because like, Oh my God, The whole, like fact that the, um, the little like jail cell thing that she's in is like soundproofed, killed me because it really. I feel like did extra, just in the fact that, uh, like everyone, except for Luther basically was on the side of like, "Hey, no, she's our sister. We need to let her out and talk to her because she's still our sister." And like, she cries at bugs dying. Like, are you kidding me? Like she was going through something, but like, she can't hear any of that. All she sees is people yelling and she's like in a little cage.  

Nick: Right. She can't hear any of that.

And also at the end, all of them decide to side with Luther anyways, you know, they're not happy about it, but they leave her in there. So, you know, she can't understand that they ha- they were arguing for her and that, you know, Luther kind of overpowered them. But I also think that it's really funny because in that scene, that was the most, um, diplomatic argument that they'd had all season, you know, like Diego almost killed Luther in episode one, but if you'll notice he didn't draw a weapon at all in that episode against Luther-

Alex: Rude!

Nick: -Like suddenly they're just talking?

Alex: [scoffs] Bad timing.

Nick: Right. You know? So like, of course she's gonna snap. And so I feel like she is an incredibly sympathetic villain.  And I love her and I just... [chuckles]

Alex: Right, I just feel like it's so masterful that you can make a villain that's like that sympathetic and also like, so distructive.

Nick: Just absolutely brutal.

Alex: Just so brutal. Oh my God. I love her so much. And I feel like this is a good introduction to what. I talk about as my, you know, how some people have like, um, fantasy football leagues?

Nick: Yeah. [laughs]

Alex: I have a uh, fantasy DBT group. Um, because- [laughs] I am a big fan of dialectical behavior therapy. And, um, I'm not going to give like a whole thing on that, but basically like for those who don't know, uh, it's a therapy that's largely geared towards people who have been through like, traumatic situations.

And a lot of the time, uh, when we're watching a piece of media, I'll do the, like, pausing it to talk for like half an hour thing, except I'll like, pause it and I'll turn to Nick and I'll be like, I have a new person that I want to invite to my fantasy DBT group. [both laugh] And Vanya is definitely in the fantasy DBT group.

Nick: Oh yeah. Absolutely.

Alex: Along with several others on this list you will meet soon.

Nick: Yeah. I think a couple on my list too. You're just like, come on, man. Come on.

Alex: You're invited. I believe in you.

Nick: Yeah. I think that a couple that you really want to be in your DBT group... Some that kind of started your fantasy DBT group where Zuko and Azula.

Alex: Yes!

Nick: And I think that it's really funny because on my list I have Azula. And on yours you have Zuko,

Alex: I sure do.

Nick: Uh, just since we've been talking about yours for a minute, I'll I'll go ahead and talk about Azula.

Alex: Hell yeah.

Nick: Uh, she's very arguably a sympathetic villain.

Alex: Yes!

Nick: And I think that following up after Vanya, I can't say that Vanya is simpathetic, and Azula's not, you know, you know, she has some very serious, very obvious mental health issues, you know, in the last couple of episodes, there's a point where even Zuko kind of is like, Oh, she's kind of lost it. And, I love that because he acts like it's so minimal how much she's lost it. And meanwhile, she's like over there, like sweating and panting and she's got the most fucked up haircut. Cause she gave herself- [laughs]

Alex: She has like the full like breakdown bangs and everything. Like we've all been there.

Nick: [laughs] Right, um, and I feel like with those two, it brings up a very intense conversation about nature versus nurture because they're siblings, they were raised by the same parents, you know, they both had the same mom, the same dad.

And so I feel like it's easy to say, Oh, well, Zukos nature is to be a good guy. And that's why he ended up a good guy. And Azula his nature is just to be uh, crazy, I guess, but. I feel like it's still a lot: nurture because Zuko had such a more intense, close relationship with his mother who was the nice one.  And it seemed like Azula had a lot more of a relationship with her father who was an asshole.

Alex: Right.

Nick: And, you know, that's not saying that, Oh, well, if you have a mother figure in your life, then you're just going to turn out to be a good guy. And you know, if you more only have a father figure, then you're just going to be a little asshole. That's not it. The characters were-

Alex: Yeah. Absolutely.

Nick: You know, down to the point of like Zuko and Azula's grandpa on their mom's side-or their great grandpa on their mom's side was avatar Roku. So like she was meant to be their good half and the dad was meant to come from the bad half: big, huge air quotes on good and bad, but, you know, uh, And something else with Azula that I definitely can kind of relate to is that she was born a prodigy.

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: And that's something that got mentioned is, you know, at first, when she was young, she didn't have to work for her fire bending skills, she just had them. And, you know, as someone who was the smart kid, when I was younger and like got put into all of these like big, smart kid classes and saw the other kids that got put into the big smart kid classes, you kind of go one of two ways where either like you start pushing yourself to insanity, to continue being the smart kid and the prodigy, and like still be seen as perfect because you've been kind of bestowed with this perfect-ness and, you know, everybody sees from you and you feel you have to keep up; or you get totally overloaded and give up, I got totally overloaded and gave up. Azula got obsessed with that perfection because she was so young.

Alex: Yeah.

Nick: When she got, uh, You know, when she was already being told, Oh, you're a prodigy. You did it perfectly like you're so much better than your older brother. And, you know, so I think that following that path of perfection definitely led her to having that breakdown, you know, and not being able to have genuine friends.

Because she was so obsessed with being seen as like the most perfect and the most powerful, you know, especially with her dad being, being in, wanting to be the most powerful man in the world. How do you follow that up?

Alex: Exactly.

Nick: Especially with your brother being an outcast and totally banished and like, you know, seen as a loser, you have to work so hard for people to not think that you're going down that same path as your stinky little brother, you know?

Both: [laugh]

Alex: Exactly. Yeah. And I feel like even like, from the perspective of like, you know, when she kind of goes off the rails as well, and just kind of thinking about the things that sorta lead up to that and like the family dynamics and all of that, and just like. How much- I don't know. I found a lot of like sympathy with her and like her family dynamics, especially with Zuko where like in their own way- like, you can very much tell that, like, she just kinda wants to have like a family, but she doesn't totally know what that is supposed to look like in a lot of ways. Like, not like she just wants that, but like, I feel like in a lot of ways she does want that. It was just like, "you should come back and live with us."

But like she doesn't, she's a really classic example, I feel like, of people use the tools that they have in order to navigate their lives and like the things that she's been shown her whole life have been, you know, like manipulation and just like shows of force and things. So it's like in order to get like love, which is something and like, Being able to be around like her brother again, like she does all these things that like, as we're watching it for the first time, we're just like, Oh God, like that's so shitty.

And it is shitty, but it's like, kind of thinking about it again. And like seeing her, especially in like season three, like ah, damn , this is just sort of what she knows how to do. And she might not even totally know she's doing it.

Nick: Right. You know, because, with the adults that she had in her life, especially with her and Zuko's mom leaving when she did, I mean, not that she had a choice. Zuko had a lot more time with their mom who was the good one, but then Azula was so much younger. I think that there, I think there's a point where she talks about like, not even remembering what their mom looks like.

Alex: I want to say so.

Nick: You know, so of course, like all she knows is her crazy ass dad and her crazy ass grandpa.

And she knows that her dad killed her grandpa to get power, you know, and seeing him get that power through brute force and through manipulation. How else is she supposed to, you know, go about? And I think that Zuko then in the beginning definitely shows that same, but he's so blessed with having his uncle Iroh to guide him and show him that that's not how it's done, but Azula doesn't get that.

And it's, it's really easy to sympathize her thinking sympathize with her. Thinking about those specific things, but I feel like it's also really hard because she did have opportunities to, fix that and-and be able to think critically about things. And she just chose not to. And I, and I don't know, i-it's one of those things where like, it's just hard, you know,

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Like I understand why she did everything that she did. But then there's just so much to me, that's like, come on you could've just...

Alex: Right. Like, come on, man.

Nick: You know, like your friends turned against you to join the other side. Like that could have been your opportunity, man. And it's like for the show, I'm so glad that they didn't then have her turn around and be the good guy because that would have been so annoying if every single bad guy who was like, Oh, actually it's time for my redemption arc now.

Alex: I'm radio rebel! [ laughs]

Nick: I'm radio rebel! I'm lemonade mouth! [laughs] But just thinking about like, if she were a real person, I'm like, come on, man. You could have.

Alex: Right. Absolutely.

Nick: I'm just like, you're going to continue to be on the side that everyone that it seems like you do love and care about in your own way is against?

Alex: Like, I feel like she reminds me a lot in that very same way of, um, like kind of what we're talking about with the handler of just like, what happens when the thing that, you know, Kind of turns against you and is like destabilized and it's just like, do you like cling on for dear life or do you like jump ship?

And it's just like, God does she cling on for dear life!

Nick: Oh, she clings on for dear life. Meanwhile, Zuko, you know, jumped ship and realizes that, uh, there's better things for him to do then try to please his father and family, and like,

Alex: yeah,

Nick: the sweet, awkward boy,

Alex: My sweet, sweet boy, God, I love him so much. [Nick laughs]

Oh my goodness. Like it's so funny because I'm just like, do all of the villains that I like come in twos and like follow a pattern because now I'm just like, yeah. So I like the handler and Vanya and then it was just like, yeah. And then Azula and Zuko. And I'm just like, yeah. So then you have the one that's like very establishment and kind of like loses it.

And then you have the one that like, kind of, uh, [laughs] Is that is like very sympathetic and, um, I'm very proud of them for going as hard as they did. Uh, but it still manages to remain sympathetic [both laugh] like that's something that I also really appreciate with them writing Zuko is that like, he didn't really go to being like on Aang's side until ,  like way towards the end. Um, despite the amount of times during the show that you're like, okay, this is the time I'm so ready. It's all happening. It's gonna happen. Um, but it doesn't, and it's always so frustrating, but again, it's one of those things where I'm kinda like glad that they waited until it made the most sense, because again, it's like you live your whole life, just kind of knowing this one thing and just kind of in pursuit of this singular goal, that your brain is just kind of structured around it.

And like, that's another thing that I love so much that like, while I was watching it, I was like, Oh, that's kind of like, Interesting that they did that, but the more I think about it, um, the more I appreciate it is like the whole like, breakdown that he has.

Nick: right where he like gets really sick?

Alex: Yeah, where he gets really sick and just kind of is like- I think he's like passed out even, or just like dang near for like several days, because of just like this moral decision.

Like, you know, I feel like that's something that I'm really glad that they gave him credit for. Um, and I feel like also kind of speaks to maybe some of why Azula didn't like defect or like why things like hit her as hard as they did. It was just sort of like how much this family has like told them that the things that they are doing is like the right way to be, that it's just like being physically ill, you know?

Nick: Right, absolutely.

Alex: And I'm just like, man, I love this 'lil guy so much and just kind of like watching him learn to navigate the world is so fascinating. And he's just such a teen.

Nick: Right?

Alex: I love villains that you can just very much see the aspects of them beyond, um, like what makes them like a villain. He's very much a teen boy. I love that about him so much.

Nick: Yeah. I think that that's something else that makes him a really, really good villain, and then hero, is that being young adults, I feel like- being young adults that have done not great things ourselves, like not as bad as them,

Alex: [chuckles] yeah

Nick: But you know, like, being a teenager and just wanting to be accepted and just wanting love and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And being willing to do whatever that takes and just following what your parents and like older people have told you is like how things are, and then starting to get older and realizing that that's not how it has to be, you know. And I feel like it really strikes a chord, you know, thinking about Zuko and then thinking about growing through your teens and like young adult stages of like everything that you do and everything that you think and say is dictated by authority figures in your life. And then kind of moving on to having less and less of those authority figures being authority figures, you know, even if they're still there. Kind of starting to be able to think for yourself and realize things and it really can make you physically sick to kind of make that change, you know? And for real humans, that change is really, really slow. For him, that kind of like s- that switch flipped really fast.

And so that sickness really got him.

Alex: Absolutely.

Nick: Yeah. I think that it's really incredible to watch it and see this like thing that I know that I've gone through. And I feel like a lot of people have gone through with, you know, growing up and getting a little bit older. I say that like, I'm super old, but like-

Alex: Ancient.

Nick: -Getting into the more, like getting into your early twenties and like. Really finally becoming an adult, even though there's never a point where you like really are an adult.

Alex: Yes.

Nick: I keep thinking every year, like this is the year somebody that like, people are gonna see me as an adult, but then everybody else also gets a year older and they're like, Oh no, no, no, no, no, honey, you're still a baby, and I'm like, shit!  [laughs]

Alex: Oh my god [laughs]

Nick: But,you know, I don't know. [laughs]

Alex: That is so real. Like the only people that see you as an adult are like teenagers.

Nick: Right.

Alex: And it's just like "oh man, still?"

Nick: Right and I'm just like your babies though! [both laugh]  Um, but just watching that and it feels very real that he got sick and it, it I'm really glad that that was there. [chuckles]

Alex: Mhmm. Big, agree.

Nick: You know, it's really almost frustrating when villains don't have that kind of like big averse reaction when they have a redemption arc where they're just like, "I'm cool now!"

Alex: No, it's cool now though.

Nick: Oh, no, we're good. We're good, actually,

Alex: actually I'm cool now.

Nick: [laughs] So speaking of villains that turn around-that just kind of like all of a sudden they're like fine now.

Alex: Surprise!

Nick: Surprise! I would love to talk about the diamonds from Steven universe. I, they are some of the most controversial villains.

Alex: Yeah.

Nick: But I love them all four of them [Alex chuckles] because, the reason that they're so controversial is because it's so easy to make them a stand-in for whatever you want them to be.

Alex: It really is.

Nick: And that's why I love them, you know, and for me, they always represented family. And to me that meant that always like meant something really deep because. [chuckles] Having my tragic backstory [Alex laughs] and having like, I didn't have great parents and they reminded me so much of that kind of thing of, you know, the pivotal episode when white diamond tries to pull pink diamond out of Steven, you know, and is like screaming and crying about how his name isn't Steven, it's Pink. He'll always be Pink, no matter what he tries to do. And like talking about how he's being silly for acting like this and talking about, uh, how he's acting like a spoiled child and like how she's so over all of his tantrums while she's throwing a huge tantrum.

Alex: Literal tantrum,

Nick: A literal tantrum. And I, I, I know that he has like that perfect line that I can't remember now, and I should have looked it up, but of just like "Oh, well, If I'm a spoiled little brat, that's throwing a tantrum then, uh, what are you?" I think that it is really frustrating that their redemption just kind of flipped like that really fast, but also it was very obvious that the show was coming to a close.

Alex: [chuckles] Yeah...

Nick: So I don't know that they could have done it any slower, but I think that it's also one of those things where. They realized all of the harm that they'd done. And so I think that making that flip was really still pretty realistic. And really necessary that it had to, it had to happen. And I think that it's also really easy to say that it happened super, super fast because we ha- we got that time skip and I don't know, it's just... and I, I love them as villains, even because after their redemption, they're still fucking awful, but they're trying, and they have to be reminded because I know you haven't seen the last, er-because  I know that you watched the movie, but I don't, you haven't seen any of Steven universe future. Um, right?

Alex: I don't believe so, no.

Nick: Yeah. Uh, in the, or I can't remember if it's a movie or if it's Steven universe future, but they're still like slipping up and like calling him Pink and like, you know, and, calling other gems "lower life forms" still. And, but  I think that it was really important to show that because they needed to grow.

And I think that that was some criticism that they got was that they flipped so fast that they didn't actually like grow. And then the show writers were just like, Oh, well just, just fucking wait a second. [both laugh] I love that they were able to make up and kind of fix things, but still show that they were growing and changing and they were still learning.

I also really love what they did with their redemption and forgiveness arc, where they let Steven still, you know, kind of talk to them and teach them and be civil with them without just kind of giving into their every whim and, you know, being overly nice to them in the name of forgiveness, because that is definitely something that I've seen in like different villain redemption tropes before is like, " Oh, well all is forgiven. We're good." And it's like, uh, all might be forgiven, but we are not good.

Alex: We are certainly not good.

Nick: And the diamonds having this idea of like, "Oh, we're forgiven and everything's good." And having Steven say "no, you're mostly forgiven. But we're not good. You still have a lot to learn and a lot to work on." And I think that that's really, really important to have a kid's show.

Alex: Yes, especially in the context of like, kind of talking about those sorts of relationships is like, I think a lot of the time where like inclined to give people a pass  just for trying. [chuckles]

Nick: Right.

Alex: When it's like, you know, people should still be held accountable, even if it's like also being gentle. You know, even if it's like, I do care about you and I want you to do better. And that's why I am challenging you instead of just being like, Oh yeah, that's just how it is sometimes anyways, the past is the past, that's water under the bridge, goodbye! You know?

Nick: Right. Just like. Ah yeah, like you're still saying kind of crappy stuff, but like, you know, you're not like actually killing people anymore, so it's fine.

Alex: So I'm pretty sure we're good actually. [both laugh]

Nick: But yeah, I, I love them because they can stand in for so much because like, you know, for the people where it, they don't see them as like being stand-ins for fam- for shitty family members, they do see them as like politicians or capitalism or society at large. And I think that that's what makes them so great is that no matter what you see them as they still piss you off.

Alex: [laughs] That is so real.

Nick: Y'know, and even with pink diamond, like so far, we've only really talked about the other three, but like pink diamond is an incredible villain, because you, even after you learn about her being a villain, there's still so much of you that loves her because you've known her as this - as Rose this whole time. And this, this idealized different version of her that had changed.

So it's really easy to be like, Oh no, but like, That's Rose she's changed. She's different, but like there's still all of these moments and full episodes that show that like, even though she had grown and changed, there was so much that she still needed to do to grow and change into like being the best version of herself that she could be.

Alex: Right.

Nick: Which was Steven, you know, and I saw a theory a while back about it that was talking about that, about how her realizing that she needed to grow and change made her Rose, and then realizing that she had grown and changed as much as she could as Rose is what made her decide to have Steven and like become part of Steven because she'd done all that she could as, you know, what she was.

And that is such an incredible redemption, you know, for her, while also still being able to understand that there was never really a point where she was the good guy.

Alex: Right. Exactly.

Nick: You know, and they go into it in Steven Universe Future, where Steven has to deal with a lot of that stuff where it's like, he spent his whole life thinking that he was the good guy and being the good guy that it kind of came back to bite him in the ass, you know, as he got older and like starting to actually have to deal with things and kind of becoming the villain in his own story. And I just, ah I love it so much. [laughs]

Alex: Oh my Gosh.

Nick: Even though people wanna like, not love it. I'm just, I do. [both laugh]

Alex: Oh man, I really need to watch Steven Universe Future now cause that sounds really good.

Nick: I think that everybody should watch it, but yeah, like all of the Diamonds are such good villains because even with Pink, you know, just like with Azula you can understand where a lot of her anger and issues stemmed from. And even though you wish over and over again, that she would just fucking learn and do better, you can see where she just can't.

Alex: Right, where it's just like ingrained.

Nick: Right, where it's just so ingrained that like, pretty much the only thing that she can do is  completely change into a different person, you know? And it's just, I love it. I love it. I love it. [both laugh]

Alex: Hell yeah.

Nick: I think that that's about all I can say about the diamonds right now.

Alex: That's so good.

Nick: Cause it's been, it's been a while since I've seen Steven Universe, so it's not fresh on my mind, but I know that I love them as villains.

Alex: Exactly, yeah. Just like one of those things where it's just like, "I don't know exactly how I feel, but I know that it's positive." [laughs]

Nick: Right, I absolutely should have used this episode as a reason to go back and binge watch everything.

Alex: [laughs] I'm doing research for the podcast.

Nick: Right. And I definitely did go back and kind of like do quote unquote "research" for this, uh, for some stuff but I thought that I would just kind of, for some reason, I thought that I would just kind of like remember more stuff as I went and I just didn't.

Alex: Imagine having a working memory.

Nick: Imagine.  

Alex: Oh, gosh.

Nick: But yeah, you've got two that I am very excited to talk about.

Alex: Oh yeah, I sure do. Because I have, um, everyone's favorite icy boy. [laughs]

Nick: Everyone's favorite villain that is awful at being a villain.

Alex: He's real bad at it. Like I-- [laughs]-- um, the Ice Cream-- "Ice Cream"...?

Nick: The Ice Cream!

Alex: The Ice Cream Parasocial.

Nick: Welcome to our podcast, The Ice Cream, and--

Alex: The Ice Cream-- Ice Cream Parasocial is very bad at being a villain. [laughs]

I started to say at being a podcast. I hope we're not that bad at being a podcast yet.

Nick: I mean, we're only at episode two, so we're kind of bad at being a podcast.

Alex: Yeah. Like it hasn't happened.

Nick: Episode two is always bad at being a podcast.

Alex: But, uh, but yeah, no, the Ice King ,  from Adventure Time, Simon Petrikov. I love, I love him so much. Cause like, talk about a fucking 2D villain that ended up becoming extremely 3D while also still managing to be extremely 2D.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Oh my gosh. Um, like the first few episodes where you start to kind of figure out like who he is. And like, his backstory are so interesting because I feel like a lot of the things that I think are so fascinating about him are sort of like, I don't know. It like really makes you think a lot about like personality, I guess, and just brains and what makes us... us.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: And just like the amount of times that people will have interactions with him , who  know him as Simon and like knew him, before he was the Ice King, who kind of like want that from him. And like, he can't really give that to them. And it's like frustrating for everyone involved.

Nick: Right.

Alex: And it's just so like interesting to kind of see those interactions happen. And just kind of like... when I was watching through Adventure Time and a lot of these episodes, uh, for the first time, going into my tragic backstory ever so slightly--

Both: [Laughing]

Alex: Uh, just dealing with a lot of mental health stuff, for myself and for just like some people in my life, it really was like cathartic, I guess, uh, to just sort of see a character that felt so representational of just the sort of like, not knowing who  someone very familiar is.  And almost then coming back around to like, love the new person anyways.

Nick: Absolutely.

Alex: Which I think is something that I do really appreciate a lot about adventure time. Is that in the end, like, you know, it doesn't really end up with him, like going back and like becoming Simon, like it's just like, no, I, one of my favorite quotes that I wish I knew off the top of my head, but.

Towards the end of adventure time, one of the later like ice King episodes, there's something in there that's something like, "I'm the ice King and I'm worthy of love too."  and it just really like hit because it's just like, you know, when I was watching through the first few episodes, where you like, kind of figure out his backstory, I remember having a lot of like, emotions about it and just the sort of like, Oh man, you know, like dealing with mental health and like kind of this loss of a sense of self, or like sense of like other people that I knew in my life.

Um, And just kind of being like, man, I really want to get that back. Like, it really sucks that that's gone forever. And then like kind of going through a bunch of emotional acts in my own personal tragic backstory TM, um, and then ending up as an adult watching like some of the finale episodes of adventure time and like seeing this little moment happen where he kind of gets away from this, like, you know, sort of like two dimensional, silly villain kind of thing that he does to just be like, Hey, no, like I'm a person also. And you can also like me, you know?

Nick: Right, absolutely.

Alex: I'm my own guy. [laughs]

It's something about that just really hit was just like, no, there's things to love about this too. I also just love on the surface, um, just with him, how much he just, wants affection and like how much that changed over the course of the series and how at the beginning it was very much like, Oh, it was like this creepy old man towards-

Nick: just stealing princesses.

Alex: [laughing] Yeah. Like just stealing princesses and then over the course of the series, just sort of becoming just like, he just wants some pals. He just wants friends.

Nick: Right, and

Alex: just

Nick: kind of figuring out that the companionship that he thought that he wanted with the princesses, he was able to find it in other places with just having friends.

Alex: Right.

Nick: I feel like that's something that people genuinely go through, is you know, thinking that they, really want this relationship, this romantic relationship with people, but, in reality, all they really want and need is like a couple of good friends, a couple of good pals.

Alex: [laughs] Right. And like, that's one of the things that I love a lot about adventure time too, is that I feel like it's a show that very much kind of grew with its audience. Um, and just kind of even using that as an example, and thinking about like, you know, when you're growing up and you're a preteen to like a young teenager and everything is about like, Oh, you gotta date.

And like, you have to find a partner, or something, um, partner feels like a weird term. Cause I started to say like boyfriend or girlfriend, but like, you know, gender neutral something, find someone to date, I guess. Um, and that's like the whole thing that you do, and then just kind of like growing up and being like, Oh, I can get this from other places. I feel like that's so much, like a lot of the tone in the show is just sort of like, just kind of growing up with the people that grew up with it, um, until I kinda came to a close and they did so many satisfying things, with the ice King in like the final season.

And I'm just like, man, if you haven't finished adventure time, then you should really finish adventure time. Cause it's amazing.

Nick: Right, I really want to go through and rewatch it now because-

Alex: Same!

Nick: I vaguely like, I, I know what you're saying and I know that I've like, I know that I've seen it and I know that I know the story, but like I don't have a whole lot to add because I it's been so long since I've seen it like to the point that I believe that if I watched it, it would be like the first time again,

Alex: No, yeah, same.

Nick: So I'm just like-

Alex: It's been a few years.

Nick: Yeah. I'm was just like, I should definitely rewatch that.

Alex: Yeah, like, I feel like that honestly just speaks to how much it hit me uh that this is like my one memory, like the one, my one brain cell is just clinging desperately to the ice King from like, I don't know, 2018 or whatever.

Nick: Absolutely.

Alex: [laughs]  But yeah, that was one of my big boys that I really wanted to get to one of my cartoon boys. I'm realizing now how many of mine are very mental health oriented. [laughs]

Nick: Well, I mean, that makes sense. Like, I know that I kind of talked shit about people being defined by their jobs in the beginning, but your job is in mental health and like, [ laughs]

Alex: Yeah, like it's something that I'm passionate about and I feel like I would be passionate about, even if it weren't my job. Um, but yeah, and like, that's definitely a part of the lens that I used to look at media and it shows.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Because my other big boy that I really wanted to talk about today is, from a little show that I feel like doesn't get enough love, and it should get more

Nick: Nowhere near enough love.

Alex: It's amazing. Um, if you haven't watched Kipo on Netflix. I forget what the full title is. I always just call it Kipo

Nick: uh, Kipo and the age of wonder beasts?

Alex: I believe so. Yeah.

Nick: Something like that, but I mean, you can find it just by looking up Kipo. Nothing else is called Kipo.

Alex: Yeah. Like, um, it's a really, really, really good show, and it has a villain that actively made me mad when I started to like him.

Nick: Oh yeah. Same, and I knew, cause I watched it before you watched it. And then we were watching it together and I knew it was going to piss you off when you started to like him, because in the first, like half of the season, it was just very much like, yeah, fuck this guy. I want nothing to do with this guy. Get him off the show. I hate him so much, but I knew the twist that was coming and I was like, you are going to be so mad.

Alex: Get them out of my fucking sight.

Nick: Right. They're just like, Oh, this guy sucks. And I'm like little do you know, he sucks AND he has a tragic backstory.

Alex: Yes. And you're going to love him. [laughs]

Oh my gosh. Scarlemagne, I- oh my God. He also very much follows my theme of villains that I adore when they frustrate me, because they don't, um, know, how to be good. Or like when you, think that they're going to, uh, I know that there's like a term. A term for like, whatever the opposite of a heel turn is, but I don't, I guess like redemption arc.

But like, when you think they're going to have a redemption arc and then they kind of like psych you out with it.

Nick: Right. Because they just don't, you can like, see that they just don't comprehend.

Alex: Right. Like they're just not quite there yet. And like, that's something that they do with Zuko, I feel-

that's something they do with Zuko a few times that made me real mad every time, but I'm also glad that they did it. And it's something that they did with Scarlamagne that I was like, Oh my God, I can't believe that they're doing this. That's amazing. And then they [laughs]  and then they faked us out and I was like, Yeah, that's fair. [laughs]

Nick: Right.

Alex: That makes sense, because it makes so much sense for his character. Um, just because so much of what goes on with him is very, again, like the tools that you're given to navigate the world are the ones that you use to navigate the world.

Nick: Absolutely. You know, and when it starts to get into his tragic backstory and right before it kind of shows why he starts thinking the way that he does it's so just, it's so sad because you get to watch him kind of have that mental break and that kind of mental shift of, you know, being really trusting of everything around him, to realizing that the only way that he's going to be able to survive in this world is by being a villain and by being a total asshole and, you know, and the way that the show does it by showing him years after being said asshole, it's just like, ah, man, like, why is he like that?

And then they show you why he's like that. And you're like, I mean-

[both laugh]

-fair that's fair, but I don't like it

Alex: [laughs] That is so true. Like, honestly, just the fact that like walking away from like the episode where you start to figure everything out and I'm just like, you know, a lot of the time I keep coming at things from, uh,

I really like going on the like, am I the asshole? subreddit and I just keep being like, everyone sucks here [laughs] you know, um, and it's just so wild with him, like how he was very much another person where it's like, he does a lot of really awful shit, but like, while he's doing it, you're still just like, no, yeah that's fair. [laughs]

Nick: Right. You know, I feel like it's not too much of a spoiler to say that, you know, he does start to really care for Kipo. She's the main character. And everybody loves her. Like, you know, he starts to really care for her and there's things that she asks of him that he genuinely tries to do. But he's been in this mindset for so long that he just can't.

Really, uh, he thinks that what he's doing is good and to us and, you know, to the other characters, it's so obvious that what he's doing is not good, but he genuinely thinks that he's showing affection at this point, because that's all the affection that he's known for the last like half or more of his life, you know?

Alex: Yeah. And like, it's so interesting with their relationship too, because it reminds me a lot of like the, um, uh, concept in like, Learning in psychology of have like assimilation and accommodation, um, well, where it's basically just like adapting the world around you to like fit your existing worldview when you get new information, versus adapting your worldview when given new information.

And I think that's so much of what makes the bait and switch like really like hit with that whole sequence is that you. I think that it's like, Oh yeah, you see the, you know, he knows that Kipo is good. And like, that means that he's like learned in that his worldview is changing and you know, it doesn't necessarily work like that off the bat, especially when you're dealing with somebody that has that much going on and has had to navigate the world that much with just like so much going against him, I guess, um, that then to see that it was more of a situation of just like, Oh no, this one person is good.

Nick: Right?

Alex: No, everyone else still sucks. But this one person is good.  My love language is murder.

Both: [laugh]

Nick: God. I know that we are not popular enough to get somebody to animate a bit, but all I want is for somebodyto animate my love language is murder.

Alex: My love language is murder!

Nick: Like, somebody who's got like little heart eyes and then like they say murder, like a knife shows up. [both laugh]  Oh, that would be so funny.

Alex: Oh my God. Just like, add that to like the five love languages.

Um, in order I'd say that I'm usually kind of a gift giver, but outside of that, I do, I do really like murder. [laughs]

Nick: Oh my God.

Alex: Oh, God. [ laughs]

Nick: All right. And this has been Ice Cream Parasocial! [laughs]

Alex: Do not read this in a court of law [laughs]

Nick: but do follow us on Twitter and Instagram @parasocialpod and on, and subscribe to our YouTube channel, uh, Ice Cream Parasocial, and hopefully soon I'll be able to tell you to give us a good rating on iTunes.

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: We'll see ya next week!

Alex: Please. Apple podcasts. Notice us. [both laugh] I'm begging you.

Nick: apple senpai notice me. [laughter, followed by outro song]

[maximelebled]

2017

Howdy! Time for the yearly blog post! There's enough depressing stuff that happened this year, so I want to try and not focus too much on that; talk more about the positive and the personal. (I am looking back on this opening paragraph after writing everything else, and I don’t think that ended up true.)

I find it increasingly harder to just straight up talk about things, especially in a direct manner. I think it comes from continuing to realize that so many things are extremely subjective and everything has so much nuance to it that I feel really uncomfortable saying a straight "yes" or a straight "no" to a lot of questions ("Nazis are bad" is not one, though). Or even just a straight answer.

I always end up wanting to go into tangents, and I inevitably run into not being able to phrase that nuance. You know that feeling, when you know something, you have the thought in your head; it is so clear, right there in your head, it is crystal-clear to your soul, yet you have no idea how to word it, let alone doing so in 140/280/500 characters. Frustrating!

I guess I could just put a big disclaimer here, "I am not a paragon of absolute truth and don't start interpreting my words as 'Max thinks he is the authority on XYZ' because you'd be quite foolish to do so"; but that doesn't help that much. Online discourse, let alone presence, can be so tiresome these days; not to be too Captain Obvious, but, there are quite a lot of people that delight in engaging those they see as their "opponents" in bad faith.

As a white man, I don't have it that bad, but still, I'll continue to tell you one thing: the block button is extremely good and you should feel no shame in using it. It drastically improves your online experience. (There are some very clear signs that make me instantly slam the button. I’m sure you know which ones too.)

Anyway, regardless, it's hard to get rid of a habit, especially one you've unwillingly taken on yourself, so I apologize in advance for constantly writing all those "most likely", "probably", "maybe" words, and writing in a style that can come off as annoyingly hesitant sometimes.

I started watching Star Trek this year. My Netflix history tells me: January 29th for TOS/TAS, March 26th for TNG, June 3rd for DS9, November 9th for Voyager.

TOS was really interesting to watch. A lot of things stood out: the (relative) minimalism of the sets and the directing was reminiscent of theater, and even though that was, generally speaking, because that's how TV shows used to be made, it was still striking. From a historical perspective, "fascinating" would still be an ill-suited word to describe it. Seeing that this is where a lot of sci-fi concepts came from, suddenly understanding all the references and nods made everywhere else... it was also soothing to watch a show about mankind having finally united, having exploration and discovery as its sole goal. I feel like it wouldn't have made as big of an impact on me, had I watched it a year prior.

I've always thought of myself as rejecting cynicism, abhorring it, but it's harder and harder to hold on to that as time goes on. I still want to believe in the inner good of mankind, of people in general, but man, it's hard sometimes. I think what really gnaws at me most of the time is how so many of the little bits of good that we can, and are doing, individually, and which do add up... can get struck down or "wasted away" so quickly. The two examples that I have in mind: Bitcoin, this gigantic mess, the least efficient system ever designed by mankind, has already nullified a decade's worth of power savings from the European Union's regulations on energy-efficient light bulbs. And then there's stuff like big prominent YouTubers being, to stay polite, huge irresponsible fools despite the responsibility they have in front of a massive audience of very young people. It can be really depressing to think about the sheer scale of this kind of stuff.

What we can all do on an individual level still matters, of course! I try my best not to use my car, to buy local, reduce my use of plastic, optimize my power usage, etc.; speaking of that, I've often thought about making a small website about teaching the gamer demographic in general quick easy ways to save energy. There is so much misinformation out there, gamers who disable all the power-saving features of their hardware just to get 2 more frames per second in their games, people who overclock so much that they consume 60% more power for 10% more performance, the list goes on. Maybe I'll get around to it some day.

All this stuff going on makes it hard to want to project yourself far ahead in the future. Why plan ahead your retirement in 40 years when it feels like there's a significant chance the world will go to shit by then? It's grim... but it definitely makes me understand the saying "live like there's no tomorrow". Not that I'm gonna become an irresponsible person who burns all their savings on stupid stuff, but for the time being... I don't feel like betting on a better tomorrow, so I might as well save a little bit less for the far future and have a nicer present. You know the stories of American workers who got scammed out of their own 401k? That's, in essence, the kind of stuff I wish to avoid. If that makes sense.

Anyway, going off that long depressing tangent: something I liked a lot across The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager, was how consistent they were. The style of directing, framing, camera movement, etc. was always very similar. Now, you can argue that's just how 80s and 90s TV shows on a budget, a 4:3 aspect ratio, and smaller SD screens worked, yes, but I do believe there is a special consistency that stuck out to me. I jumped into the newest series, Discovery, right after finishing Voyager (I don't plan on watching Enterprise) and the first two episodes were confusing to watch... shaky cam, a lot of traveling shots, shallow depth-of-field, and the tendency to put two characters at the extreme left and right of the frame.It’s a hell of a leap forwards in directing trends. It all gets better after the first two episodes, though.

I remember alluding to the King of Pain project in my last yearly post. I'm glad I managed to finally do it. I'd talk about it here, but why do it when I've made 70 minutes of video about it? (And unlike my previous behind-the-scenes videos, it's a lot more condensed, and hopefully entertaining.) Unfortunately for me, I completed the video in late June, with only a month left to the TI7 Short Film Contest deadline. So I ended up making two videos back-to-back. I had to buy a new laptop in order to finish the video during my yearly pilgrimage to Seattle. It was intense! And thankfully, I managed to pull off the Hat Trick: winning the contest three years in a row. I would like to think it's a pretty good achievement, but you know how us artists are in general; as soon as we achieve something, we start thinking "eh, it wasn't that good anyway" and we raise our bar higher still.

While I do intend to participate in the contest again next year, I know I'll most likely do something more personal, that would probably be less of a safe bet, now that the pressure of winning 3 in a row is gone. I already have a few ideas lined up...

... and I do have a very interesting project going on right now! If it goes through and I don't miserably land flat on my face (which, unfortunately, has a non-zero chance of happening), you'll see it in about a month from now.

I'm pretty happy to have reached a million views on all three of my shorts; a million and a half on the TI7 one, too... it might reach two million within six months if it keeps getting views at the current rate. It surprises me a bit that this might end up being my first "big" video, one that keeps getting put on people's sidebar by the all-mighty YouTube™ Algorithm™. There's often a disconnect between what you consider to be your best work, and what ends up being the most popular.

This reminds me that, a lot of the time, I get people who ask me if I'm a streamer or a "YouTuber". My usual answer is that I'm on YouTube, but I'm not a "YouTuber". I wholeheartedly reject that subculture, the cult of personalities, the attempts at parasocial relationships, and all that stuff. It's just not for me. Now, that said, I do hope to achieve 100k subscribers one day... I'm getting closer and closer every day! The little silver trophy for bragging rights would be neat.

My office was renovated by my dad while I was gone. It's much nicer now, and I finally have a place to put most of my Dota memorabilia. He actually sent me this picture I didn't know he'd taken, behind my back, in 2014; the difference is striking... (I think that game I'm playing is Dragon Age: Inquisition.)

Tinnitus. I first noticed my tinnitus when I was 20. I vividly remember the "hold on a second" moment I had in bed... man, if I'd known back then how worse it'd get. Then again, the game was rigged from the start; as a kid, I had frequent ear infections because my canals are weird and small. What didn't help either was the itching; back then, they thought it was mycosis... and treatment for that didn't help at all. Turns out it was psoriasis! Which I also started getting on my right arm that year. (It's eczema, it's itchy, it's chronic, and the treatment steroid cream. Or steroids.) Both conditions got worse since then, too.

Tinnitus becomes truly horrible when you start the doubt the noises you're hearing. When all you have is the impossible-to-describe high-pitched whine, things are, relatively speaking, fine. You know what the noise is, and you learn, you know not to focus on it. But with my tinnitus evolving, new "frequencies", I have, on occasion, started doubting whether I was hearing an actual noise or if it was just my inner ear and brain working in concert to make it up. So I end up thinking about it, actively, and that makes it come back. I had a truly awful week when, during an inner ear infection, the noise got so shrill, so overwhelming, I lost so much sleep over it. I couldn't tune it out anymore. It was like it was at the center of my head and not in my ears anymore. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I'm not even sure that I'm in the clear yet regarding that. But, like I said, it's best if I don't dwell on it. Thinking of the noise is no bueno.

Really, the human body is bullshit. Here's another example. A couple months ago, I managed to bite the inside of my mouth three separate times. I hate when it happens, not because of the immediate pain, but because I already dread the mouth ulcer / canker sore (not sure which is the appropriate medical translation; the French word is "apthe"). Well, guess what: none of these three incidents had the bite degenerate into an ulcer... but one appeared out of nowhere, in a different spot, two weeks later. And while mouthwash works in the moment, it feels like it never actually helps... it's like I have to wait for my body to realize, after at least ten days, oh yeah, you know what, maybe I should take care of this wound in my mouth over here. And it always waits until it gets quite big. There's no way to nip these goddamn things in the bud when they're just starting.

But really, I feel like I shouldn't really complain? All in all, it could be much worse, so so so much worse. I could have Crohn's disease. I could have cancer. I could have some other horrible rare disease. Localized psoriasis and tinnitus isn't that bad, as far as the life lottery goes. As far as I'm aware, there's nothing hereditary in my family, besides the psoriasis, and the male pattern baldness. I wonder how I'll deal with that one ten, fifteen years down the line...

Just as I'm finishing writing this, the Meltdown & Spectre security flaws have been revealed... spooky stuff, and it makes me glad I still haven't upgraded my desktop PC after five years. I've been meaning to do it because my i7 4770 (non-K) has started being a bit of a bottleneck, that and my motherboard has been a bit defective the whole time (only two RAM slots working). But thankfully I didn't go for it! I guess I will once they fix the fundamental architectural flaws.

The Y2K bug was 18 years late after all.

Here's a non-exhaustive list (because I’m trying to skip most of the very obvious stuff, but also because I forget stuff) of media I enjoyed this year:

Series & movies:

Star Trek (see above)

Travelers

The Expanse

Predestination (2014)

ARQ

Swiss Army Man

Video games:

Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice

Horizon: Zero Dawn

What remains of Edith Finch

Uncharted: Lost Legacy

Wolfenstein II

Super Mario Odyssey

Metroid: Samus Returns

OneShot

Prey

Music:

Cheetah EP by James Hunter USA

VESPERS by Thomas Ferkol

Some older stuff from Demis Roussos and Boney M.... and, I'll admit reluctantly, still the same stuff: Solar Fields, the CBS/Sony Sound Image Series, Himiko Kikuchi, jazz fusion, etc. I'm still just as big a sucker for songs that ooze with atmosphere. (I've been meaning to write some sort of essay on Solar Fields... it's there, floating in my head... but it's that thing I wrote earlier: you know the idea, intimately, but you're not sure how to put it into words. Maybe one day!)

I think that's about it this year. I hope to write about 2018 in better terms!

See you next year.